#let's see what else is relevant to my thought process on this

[spiderhungry]

Hmm yeah okay I've decided. I'm anti-Zionism, and pro-one, secular state. I think this aligns with my general philosophy.

[jyuanka]

"his lips tasted like ice and sin"

[abnomi]

EVERY REASON (that i can think of) AS TO WHY TURBO/KING CANDY IS NEURODIVERGENT 💥💥

i would like to make a disclaimer first and foremost about the obvious, being that Turbo/King Candy is heavily implied to have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). Very often, characters with these disorders are portrayed as villains, and Turbo is no exception to this. There's nothing wrong with antagonistic characters having said disorders, per se, but when the only representation available for people with these conditions are found in characters you're not supposed to root for, it can be really disheartening. i won't be erasing these parts of him because i feel it would be in poor taste to gloss over those core elements of who he is, but plz keep in mind that having any kind of personality disorder doesn't make anyone inherently evil!!!🌞 your ACTIONS make you, not your brain

Also if anyone has any suggestions or other ideas for his neurodiversity, i would love to hear them! please do share!! I LOVE PSYCHOANALYZING CHARACTERS AND HEARING OTHER PEOPLE PSYCHOANALYZE THEM !!!! YAY🎉 if u agree or disagree with any of my points I'd love to discuss them further :-]

without further ado... click read more to find out…😈 be ready for a lot of reaches

💥 ADHD 💥

STIMMING

Turbo's constantly moving around in some way; he's a very expressive character! even as King Candy, he can't seem to conceal his frequent giggling. it's a big habit of his; he seems to do it involuntarily to regulate himself, including when he's nervous or uncomfortable.

he seems to display other repetitive behaviors as well, like doing his iconic thumbs-up pose, sticking out his tongue, or hopping around gleefully. he is but a jovial court jester..

i personally like to think that his phrases, "Turbo-tastic!" and "Have some candy!" are vocal stims of his, although i equally really love the interpretation that these (and the aforementioned stims) are tics :-]

another headcanon; i think it would make a lot of sense for him to have an oral fixation of some sort (ignoring the whole sigmund freud part of the term ermm...); just lots of biting, chewing, needing to have something in his mouth. It would align with the whole idea that he smokes, too

HYPERACTIVITY

we can clearly see throughout the film that Turbo has a lot of energy, made abundantly clear by his mannerisms and general behavior. he's constantly moving, using exaggerated expressions and gestures to communicate + express himself. He's one of the most animated and bouncy characters in the movie, next to Vanellope! it's silly how a character not very grounded in reality is such a threat, but i suppose that's what makes him so threatening in the first place...

another factor in this is how he is very adrenaline-seeking, craving activities that give him a rush (sugar rush...😂😂). more on that in a bit!!

HYPERFIXATION

Turbo's fixation with winning is all-consuming for him; it's an obsession. he doesn't appear to care about much else, if anything besides it. this could be interpreted as a hyperfixation for him (or special interest if ur all about that autism lifestyle), as it overtakes all of his focus and impedes every process of his mind.

it's clear that racing is much more than a passion for him, and while that fact is due to how he was programmed, it's a major character trait of his regardless that could be correlated to neurodivergence.

HYPERFOCUS

There seems to be a big theme of "all or nothing" when it comes to Turbo. he will either be fully dedicated to something or brush it aside without a second thought. it can't be denied that he fully wraps himself up in what he wants, whether it's a conflict he can't let go of or a new pursuit he's hungrily chasing after. 

ultimately, his dedication varies depending on if it is relevant to him and his interests or not, but this aspect of him still shares patterns with neurodivergent thought processes.

INSTANT GRATIFICATION

Seeing as he has a tendency to cheat in his use of code to spawn in whatever his heart desires, it can be assumed that this could do with Turbo wanting instant gratification to fill that bitter, empty void inside of him. while this could simply be brushed aside as greed and his belief that he is obligated to have access to whatever he wants, this trait is consistent with his generally dopamine-seeking behavior and wanting to be instantly rewarded by his actions. His obsession with needing to feel good directly relates to his need for another buzz, constantly after the next rush. (a sugar rush if you will☺☺☺)

ADRENALINE-SEEKING

Closely related to the previous speculation, Turbo always seems to be chasing his next high. he loves the thrill of action and being surrounded by crowds of people below him. it's why his big thing is racing! people cheer him on, he can do whatever he wants, he can go really fast and look cool..

it's possible that a big aspect of why he does this is to distract himself from any kind of pain, because pain = vulnerability. bro does NOT know how to independently cope with his own problems.. HE MAD AS HELLLLL!!! 😂😂

STRUGGLE WITH SELF CARE

(i know this is reaching but bear with me... 🐻) going off of his appearance and tendency to make poor decisions, it can be gathered that this man lacks skill in the self care department. his yellowing teeth and sunken eyes not only serve to complement his design, but also give way to the idea that he neglects himself in favor for whatever weird scheme he's up to.

of course, Turbo does prioritize himself above everyone else, but he doesn't strike me as the type to care much about how others think he smells. him being a bother to anyone isn't a concern of his. he cares about whatever gets him the most praise and attention from as many people as possible, which is winning and racing. Who cares about how clean he is when he's up on a podium holding a shiny, golden trophy, anyway?

It's likely that he had to step his game up when he went under disguise as king candy, which is why he looks well-groomed in comparison to his more corpse-like appearance. Ugly hoe. it can also be assumed that he's had more time to focus on himself because everyone loves him without question... Well, except for Vanellope, but who cares about her, right?

also, i know he makes a condescending comment to Ralph about how bad his breath smells, but it's made abundantly clear that Turbo is a massive hypocrite. his comment doesn't erase the possibility that he has suffered from such "halitosis" as well.

💥 ANXIETY 💥

GENERAL ANXIOUS BEHAVIOR

i know, i know, this could technically be chalked up to be "Turbo is nervously giggling and shit because he's scared of getting caught," but guys. g

even in the flashback scene, we can see how easily stressed he can become in an alarmingly short period of time. he is extremely insecure, therefore i am led to believe he is not only emotionally dysregulated, but also by extension, anxiety ridden.

yes, this is purely speculative, but who's to say that he wasn't like this before? being high-strung and intense are significant facets of his personality consistently portrayed throughout the film. as long as he is getting exactly what he wants, he is happy; the moment he loses even a blip of control, however, he immediately grows extremely tense.

if Turbo wasn't anxious about his disguise as King Candy before, he was anxious about how much attention he was receiving on a given day. if not that, then he'd be anxious over how he presents himself. He hates how he can't control how other people perceive him, which is why he is constantly trying to act like he's better than he is.

its why he justifies his behavior to himself, proudly making others refer to him as the "rightful ruler" of sugar rush and relishing in the attention of his countless underlings. Any secure and stable person would NOT ACT LIKE THIS!!!!😭😭😭

FIGHT OR FLIGHT

As we can see a handful of times on screen, Turbo's instinct to protect himself is very easily activated.

 his fear manifests in anger and aggression. we can see at multiple points how easy it is to upset him or fluster him; his anger is one side of the same coin, the opposite end being his fear and paranoia.

Going off of this point, have you noticed that Turbo is either satisfied or furious without much of an in-between? how the second something isn't under his manipulation, he lashes out and fights back? I'm led to believe that this is how he responds to fear (AAUAAYAUUUUGGHHH 🐡🐡🐡🐡🐡🐡🐡). This guy is so against the idea of being vulnerable, that even when afraid, he will utilize violence to regain his dominance over the situation at hand.

CONTROL + PARANOIA

Turbo's always trying to writhe or fight his way out of uncomfortable situations, unable to exist outside of his comfort zone for seconds at a time.

his defensive, paranoid, and controlling behavior are all reflections of how deeply insecure this man is. He feels such an intense need for everything to go exactly how he expects it to go that the moment he senses any kind of threat, he instantly jumps to defend himself and what he feels that he has "earned," regardless of whether there truly is a threat or not.

this could potentially be a coping mechanism for his anxiety and sense of stability; can't forget to mention how territorial he is!! he jumps to conclusions about what others' intentions are before they even get a chance to reply, as seen with his first encounter with Ralph in the movie. 

the racer is so internally discombobulated that he seeks any sense of stability on his environment, including on those around him. his sense of self is so warped that he copes with constant distraction; being under the spotlight, being actively racing, having to be showered with attention, having others make him feel good because he doesn't know how to do it for himself. he needs to feel like everything is under control, lest everything falls apart.

"...if there's ONE thing I can't abide, it's ANYTHING out of order!"

💥 NPD 💥

INFLATED SENSE OF SELF IMPORTANCE

Turbo's most in-your-face trait above all else. It's made more than crystal clear in every scene he's in that his arrogance is a determining factor in how he interacts with others. This is exactly what drives him to desperately crave admiration, to chase after others he's envious of because he thinks he is obligated to take what they have.

he seems to genuinely think he is entitled to get whatever he wants, just because he is inherently "special" or "better" than everyone else. Why else would he have made himself a king, a step above princess?

EXCESSIVE NEED FOR ADMIRATION

Turbo's self worth is COMPLETELY dependent on the opinions of children and teenagers. I think i don't need to say any more than that, but i will. (Evil).

As cartoonishly massive as his ego is, i think that it's fair to assume that Turbo has a very unstable sense of self, distorting his perception of his own worth down with it. his near-constant flaunting and need to be the best is a dead giveaway to his deeply-ridden self-doubt. The foundation of his stability is built around how "good" he is (at racing and winning), how powerful he is, whether or not he is being prioritized above everyone else, whether or not he is the absolute best, etc. etc.

The racer outright manipulates others to shower him with admiration and undeserved appreciation. He is incapable of forming a true sense of internal value, instead heavily and codependently relying on others to form it for him. if he isn't the best, he may as well just be nothing.

INTENSE JEALOUSY

He reacts so severely to what he perceives as others taking away what is rightfully his that it only goes to solidify my previous points even further. the second someone else is getting more attention than him, Turbo will bend over backwards to rip back the praise he believes he so rightly deserves.

being extremely competitive, he will one-up against anyone he thinks of as a threat, dedicating himself to taking them down to the best of his ability, and making sure they STAY down to top it all off.

INABILITY TO HANDLE CRITICISM

if we really dissect the entire one-off joke with Turbo insisting that his stolen pink castle is actually "salmon," along with all of his other domineering behaviors, we can garner that he is very persistent in how he wants others to view him. i wholeheartedly believe that this would translate into him not only being defensive over his supposed "ownership" of Sugar Rush, but also over himself and his own insecurities.

He needs to feel good about himself or else he will die and quite literally try to kill everyone.

LACK OF EMPATHY

He appears to have a fondness for making jokes in very poor taste. Turbo has a big sense of humor, but it's always at the expense of others. Be it a pun about a "fungeon," or jumping to protect himself with a joke about "hitting a guy with glasses," he has a tendency to take serious situations very lightly. It's not that he's unaware of the weight of it; he simply doesn't take it Seriously.

its admittedly impressive how he was able to feign empathy so well for Ralph; it goes to show how he is very capable of understanding that what he's doing is wrong, but ultimately does nothing to change his behavior because it doesn't impact him personally. 

i would like to honor this part of him, because even in the possible alternate path of a redemption arc, his struggle with empathy can be explored in a variety of interesting ways :-] he can understand complicated emotions and situations on an analytical level, but he doesn't feel for them unless it has to do with him specifically. (this obviously doesn't make him inherently evil, his ACTIONS make him evil)

💥 ASPD 💥

LACK OF REMORSE/GUILT

One of Turbo's core characteristics is just how far he is willing to go for his own self-interest with lack of regard for how it impacts everyone else. he has absolutely no concern for how anyone else feels besides himself, willing to go so far as to attempt to mutilate a 9-year-old to achieve his petty goals.

Turbo is shameless when it comes to how he goes about getting his way. While I'd like to believe he isn't fully incapable of feeling regret, he doesn't showcase feeling it in the movie itself. The most regret he'll feel is when he slips up and exposes himself. anything else is the fault of everyone else; he is untouchable in his eyes.

DECEITFUL TENDENCIES + LYING

Where do i even start with this one.

well, first of all, let's acknowledge the... erm, horse? in the room? 🐎😅(Please someone help me there is a horse in my room help helphel) being that Turbo went under disguise as King Candy for at least a decade. Even before this, there's a good chance that he's already had plenty of experience with lies and manipulation. i'd be willing to bet on this!!

one of his specialties is being proficient in manipulation, be it the code of games or the minds of people. theyre basically the same thing to him, anyway... I'm sure you all know the scene where he uses 16 manipulation tactics against Ralph and wins. this was Obviously not the first time he'd done this.

REPETITION OF HARMFUL BEHAVIORS

Time and time again, Turbo can't seem to help himself when it comes to poor decision-making. he never internalizes that his bad choices aren't JUST bad for others, but also for himself, continuing to escalate further and further into very dangerous behaviors until he literally dies.

Here's a list of bad decisions he has made! (at least, that we know of)

Pinning himself above his peers

Harassment + stalking

Carelessly charging through GCS with his car, endangering countless civilians

Attempting to take over a game that isn't his x2

Vehicular manslaughter

Implied mass murder + attempted murder, attempted mutilation

Mass endangerment

Breaking and entering, theft, usurpation, plagiarism

and more!!!!!!!

AND HE LEARNS FROM ABSOLUTELY NONE OF THIS!!! with some of the items listed here, he's attempted to do multiple times! Absolute buffoon.

RECKLESS DISREGARD FOR SAFETY OF SELF AND OTHERS

Considering how he was willing to charge into a game that wasn't his own with the awareness that it could permanently kill him, going as far as to recklessly crash into another car (albeit it's possible this was unintentional), it's easy to gather that he doesn't seem to consider anyone's safety at all in the spur of the moment.

IMPULSITIVITY

his impulsivity and disregard for safety both go hand-in-hand. When it gets to a certain point, Turbo's emotions will boil over and blow up in a cold rage, thus causing him to spiral and act on impulse, becoming a detrimental force to himself as well as everyone around him.

What's interesting is how much restraint he is capable of; he typically is very strategic in how he orchestrates his plans! but once he reaches his breaking point, he snaps and leaves all of his hard work behind in favor of something that calls for his immediate attention.

💥 ETC. 💥

extra tidbits i didnt have enough energy to fully delve into :-]

BPD

Fear of abandonment

Blurry sense of identity

Feelings of emptiness

Self destructive tendencies

Emotional instability

Explosive anger

ODD (oppositional defiant disorder)

He seems so infatuated with his own autonomy that he gets to the point of being resistant and defiant

Resisting against the rules of the world that he directly caused as a result of his own actions, being that one shouldn't "go Turbo."

Enjoys upsetting/getting a rise out of others. this is more speculative as i am going off of the assumption that he thinks pissing people off is funny, based on his other behavioral patterns. (cruel sense of humor, wanting to feel above others via control & manipulation, enjoyment of inflicting pain onto others)

Forcefully defends himself and refuses any kind of criticism

Lashes out when he feels slighted

Excessive persistence despite all odds, whether it's beneficial to him or not

ok bye!! thank you if you managed to read this far ^^ peace and love take care of yourself! all in all turbo is so neurodivergent ok please Okay <3 get this thing his meds

[electricbathsalt]

Things I want to talk about/touch upon/see people mention more but cannot compile individual coherent posts about:

1. The fact Pops’ daughter apparently had a “falling out” with Pops (over her marriage??) that caused her to completely abandon the yakuza and maybe also cut contact with Pops (the dude is suspicious guys)

2. The fact that in the Overhaul-LOV initial meeting, Chisaki had to have intentionally chosen not to kill Mr. Compress.

3. The idea that many of Chisaki’s thought processes at least partially stem from his time in AFO’s facility. And of course, Pops.

4. How much Chisaki seems to lack a proper reaction to any sort of pain (He was beat to a pulp by Mirio & Midoriya, exploded himself, & got his arms cut off and I’ve never heard him so much as yelp) while still complaining about how overhauling himself hurts?? Yet he doesn’t show it.

5. (Highway scene) How Chisaki only screamed once the realization he wouldn’t be able to ever wake up Pops sunk in (isn’t confirmed but. I’m convinced).

6. The fact that there’s absolutely no way Chisaki wasn’t negatively impacted by being raised in the Yakuza. It’s simply inherent.

7. The blatant disregard Pops had to have had for both Chisaki and Eri’s well-beings to have designated Chisaki as her caretaker.

8. The endless amounts of potential for Chisaki & Dabi/Touya dynamics post-war, platonic or otherwise. (Multiple fics with this premise in my WIPs, lol)

9. The fact Chisaki seems practically incapable of holding a grudge. Like, think about it; is there a character you can say Chisaki genuinely, wholeheartedly hates and wishes the worst upon. You know what—what IS his opinion on Shigaraki/the LOV these days??

10. Realizing that in the initial Overhaul-LOV meeting, Chisaki literally just tone-matched them. Look:

Mr Compress says all that, and then Chisaki later explains:

Which, once you break down what Mr Compress said/how he said it, and what Chisaki said/how he said it… blunt statement of facts. Mr Compress told Toga how faded out the Yakuza have become with no sugarcoating, and Chisaki took that and said. “Well. Yeah.” But then when Chisaki did the same thing (blunt but true & valid criticisms of the LOV/Shigaraki’s leading skills (bc let’s be real, he was an ass leader at the time in terms of actual planning and execution)), the LOV got pissed. He pointed out all the relevant flaws and mistakes in Shigaraki’s leadership and then said it’d be better if he was the leader because he actually has a plan, and they got pissed at the mere prospect of serving under somebody else. Do you realize how much the story would’ve been altered if the LOV didn’t decide to just start attacking Chisaki here?? 💀 Sorry I’m exceptionally passionate about this bc the fandom gaslit me for a while into believing Chisaki was the one starting shit here 😔 but then I read it (a long time after I'd watched it in the anime) and was like. "what. he didn't initiate literally any of this shit. and everything he's saying is true??"

There’s probably more I could add to this but it’s getting long enough lol.

[asirensrage]

A Simple Bite

Title: A Simple Bite Rating: Teen Fandom: Tokyo Revengers Pairing: Baji Keisuke x Undescribed!Female!Reader Warnings: Biting. Confessions. Kissing. Not sure what else... Reader has their nails done which isn't a warning but it is relevant. Word count: ~1095 Summary: You're just trying to tutor him as usual. Jealousy derails it completely.

Notes: This was born from the urge to bite someone and Baji is the best choice of them all because he'll definitely bite back. I had fun writing it, even if it didn't go the way I initially planned lol. It's definitely cuter than I usually write. Another shoutout to @awkwardchick87 for the help in this!

It starts with a bite.

Baji had been distracted this time, displaying none of his usual concentration on the work and instead, he focused on your hands. Specifically, your nails. You just got them recently done, a spa day with your friends that led to all of you being pampered. They were a simple shade of black but he couldn't seem to tear his eyes away. No matter how often you tried to reroute his attention back on the assignment, his fingers traced yours, looping together and dragging your nails across his palm. It was enough to fluster you. He shouldn't be touching you like this, not so casually.

"Knock it off," you demand.

But he doesn't, holding your hands tighter and teasingly asking you "What if I don't?"

You were simply using what you had available to you. He held your hands, restricting them as he carefully traced over the dips and curves of them to the point of each nail. So you used your teeth.

You bite Baji on the arm, scowling at him in demand to release you.

Something in his eyes flashes and before you're even aware that you're moving, you're pinned down, back against the floor and Baji above you. "Ba-"

His lips meet yours, kissing you in what feels like desperation. You yelp in surprise at the sensation and he pulls back instantly, eye meeting yours as he's searching for something you're not sure is there.

“Wha-what are you doing?” 

“You drive me so fucking crazy,” he says, throwing his glasses to the side so you can actually see his eyes. Your breath hitches. His stare is intense, bronze looking at you as if he’s going to bite you back. You rarely see him without his glasses, without his hair tied back. Strands fall now, brushing your cheeks and curtaining you both from the rest of the world. 

“What?”

“The way you snap at me to focus, the fucking praise when I get something right…you’re so beautiful and now…your nails. Who the fuck did you get them done for?”

You stare at him in surprise. “My…my nails?”

His eyes narrow slightly. “Girls only get their nails done when they’re going out, so where you going? You paint them in my colour and you going around to meet someone else?”

You stare at him, trying desperately not to laugh. You don’t know where he got this idea from, probably one of his friends. “I got them done with my friends. And they’re not in your colour! I chose black because it’s simple and I like it!” 

“Like me.”

“What?” you ask, trying to follow his thought process. Sometimes he thought of things in ways you would have never connected. 

He weaves his fingers between yours before pressing your hand down against the floor next to your head. “Black like my hair, like my Toman uniform…simple like me.”

“You’re not simple, Baji.”

“Keisuke.”

“What?”

“My name’s Keisuke. Think my girlfriend should call me it, don’t you?”

“Girlfriend!?” You look up at him in shock. “I didn’t agree to be your girlfriend!” 

“Sure ya did,” he says, grinning at you. “You bit me. That’s a declaration of love in my books.” 

Your face heats in embarrassment. “I didn’t mean it like that! I was trying to get you to let go!”

“You…” He frowns slightly. “Do you want me to stop? I will. Ain't gonna force you or nothing. I just…I really fucking like you.”

“What?” You blink up at him. “You do?”

He huffs a small laugh, looking down at you in amusement. “Course I do. Why else would I sit through this shit?”

“Because your mother threatened you?” you say dryly. 

His laugh is louder this time, fangs flashing as his head leans back. “Nah, she’s the reason I asked for help but you’re why I stayed. Why I keep coming back.”

“Ba–Keisuke,” you correct yourself when he looks down at you. “This is…it’s sudden, don’t you think?”

“Nah, been waiting too long for this. Unless you don’t want me.” He leans closer, pressing his chest against yours. “What’s it gonna be? You gonna let me kiss you?” 

“You already did,” you point out. 

“Yeah, but I want one from you. If I kiss you again, will you kiss me back?”

You stare up at him. His gaze is soft but there’s hesitation there, as if he’s worried he’s gone too far. “Are…are you sure?” you can’t help but ask. You’ve never been confessed to before, especially not like this. 

He grins, but it’s softer than last time. “Yeah. Did you not hear me? You drive me crazy.”

“Kei-” 

He kisses you again. He bites at your lip, tugging it between his teeth in an effort to get you to open up more to him. You move slowly, parting your mouth to deepen the kiss. Keisuke groans into it, pressing closer and trying to shift closer between your legs. 

You gasp, overwhelmed by the feeling, by the taste of the soda that lingers in his mouth. Baji surrounds you like this until the only thing you can focus on is him and the feelings he’s creating in you. 

He pulls back, both of you panting as you try to catch your breath. “Be mine.” 

You swallow tightly. “What…what about Chifuyu? Kazutora?”

Baji snorts. “What about them? They’re just gonna be jealous I got you first.”

“What!?” You look at him in surprise. 

He grins, a little sharper. “You didn’t bite them though, did you?” 

“That was an accident!”

“Nah, you like me too,” he says, completely full of confidence. 

You put your hands on his chest, pushing him back. He moves with ease, following your direction. He moves to sit back on his heels as he watches you. “Keisuke, I…” you swallow tightly, suddenly nervous. “I don’t know how to be someone’s…”

He shrugs. “Shit, me either. We’ll figure it out. Just accept me.” 

“Okay,” you nod, trying not to smile. 

He grins sharply. “Good. It’s my turn to bite you back,” he lunges forward, teeth moving to your neck. You fall back laughing as he playfully nips at you.

“Baji!”

“Not my name!” he says again, pinning you down in place. 

“Keisuke!”

“There you go,” he leans forward, kissing you again. It’s slow and sweet and he pulls back just enough to look at you. 

You stare back, breath catching at the look in his eyes. “Kei-?”

“Perfect.” He grins at you before lunging forward again. You laugh wildly, hearing him join in before he claims your lips again. 

everything tag: @raith-way @zeleniafic @veetlegeuse  @chickensarentcheap @residentdormouse

@themaradwrites @kingsmakers @thatmagickjuju @awkwardchick87

tr tag: @mitsuwuyaa @blackfire2013 @bleach-your-panties

[neon-virus]

Now ramble shall be under the cut since this also touches on stuff that will be relevant for my fic so, spoilers maybe?? (Also i am no expert in making stuff sensical, so this is mostly shiet ive slapped together thats sitting in my brain)

also excuse any errors, english is hard :D

SO! the crowns.

I've made a lil sketch comic about Shamura and Nari talking briefly and Shamura referring to them as 'beasts'. I like to think that's what they are, parasitic like beasts.

They require strong willpower to withstand their influence. The crowns cannot do anything without someone to wield them, but if that person cannot resist the influence the crowns exert, then they will start to lose themselves to the crown.

The process depends. If the person is of weak mind, then they could become instantly consumed by it the moment it touches their brow. They would no longer be who they once were as the crown infects them in entirety and claims them for its own, eating their essence and making them effectively a shell for its own control.

Of course, these 'bodies' can still die, and once the crown no longer has its host, it becomes inactive.

But if you have a strong will, it comes down to a fierce endurance match, where the crown will try its damnest to break past your mental walls, to weasel its way in until you either give up or the crown submits.

Once submitted, it will effectively be 'inactive' in trying to influence the host, becoming a tool to be used and melded to its host's will. However, suppose that the host falls into a low point or has a grave vulnerability. In that case, the crowns will become active again, seeing their host is becoming weak and thus a perfect opportunity to influence and gain control.

For the bishops, this wasn't much of a problem outside of the initial wearing, at least until Nari started to question. Although Narinder is a very strong-willed person, the red crown still whispers to him, influencing his thoughts in the background and encouraging him until he ends up in his predicament of being imprisoned and leaving the bishops injured and vulnerable themselves.

Though the crowns can be given to others in smaller capacities or abilities granted to others, such as appointing them a vessel, they typically gain access to what is deemed necessary for use and not much else after that.

However, lamb was a bit different. Due to Nari knowing about the prophecy and the lamb showing absolute devotion, he gave her more access than she should have had and gave the crown room to sink its teeth in.

Granted, the crown quite likes lamb, almost imprinting onto her from her sheer strength of will and determination for revenge. It sought no reason to take control or try to as she did what it would have wanted her to do most of the time anyway.

So much so that it gave her a bit of help after Nari 'promised' her the prize she wanted, and the crown placed them into a pact. (That will be its own ramble later.)

and if she hadn't rejected Nari herself, the crown would have tried to make her reject him in her vulnerable state.

Now that he resides in the cult, the crown more or less is her's 100%, no shared control. And now that it has a new host, it no longer needs its old one, for what use is a gross chewed up toy to a beast when there's a fresh one to bite?

It still wants control—it's still a beast in a cage—but it's more willing to let her do as she pleases. It waited with Nari for over a thousand years, and it's waiting who knows how long more for the new host to eventually give in. It's very patient.

Also, when a host becomes infected with the crown's influence, their behavior tends to become strange.

Bursts of anger, erratic behavior, thoughts being replaced with what the crown wants you to think, and hallucinations, both visual and auditorial, are the general baseline for the start of an infection of the host, with other symptoms varying from host to host

[shimmershy]

There's Only One Thing Left to Say, This Time (Undertale Fanfic)

New fanfic time! When I started writing this, I got the idea mostly because 1. I've been having trouble "moving on" from things in my own life recently and wanted to try processing it through fic and 2. it was the end of the school year for me and I had been saying a lot of goodbyes, so it felt thematically relevant. I wrote almost the entire thing impulsively at like three am a couple weeks ago and really impressed myself lol.

Chara Week Day 7: Free (I know it's over, but shhhh it still counts)

Summary:

You're having trouble saying goodbye, but the thing is that you don't have to! If you keep Resetting just before it's all over, you'll never have to be by yourself again. Right? You haven't known them long, and maybe they weren't super nice at the start, but they were there for you every step of the way. They listened to you and helped you when no one else would. You can't just let them disappear… You can't. ...But you can't keep doing this forever, Frisk. You have to let me go.

Characters: Chara and Frisk

Word count: 4,763 words

(Ao3 link in reblog!)

There's only one thing left to say this time,

I hope you're fine, goodbye.

– “Goodbye” by The Altogether

It isn’t until the third True Reset that I realize what this is all about, and when I do, I feel silly for not realizing it before.

I can still feel the way the bitterness worked its way under my skin the first time you brought everyone back. Which, is actually quite impressive on your part! Seeing as I don’t have skin anymore. I suppose it worked its way under your skin, then, because you wouldn’t stop apologizing to me in your head as you made your way through the Ruins. I should have been the one apologizing to you, Frisk. It’s no business of mine what you do with your own life, and you have no business feeling my emotions for me. This connection we have can be troubling, at times.

Still, it felt like a betrayal, and you offered me no explanation, so I could not understand.

I understood a little better when you decided to stay with Toriel for a while. Despite my obvious frustration and impatience, you sat and listened to her snail facts. You let her show you that bug-hunting spot she mentioned, and you spent time helping her run errands and letting her teach you how to cook. You even got to the point where she started giving you classes, as if you planned on staying. I assumed it was sentimentality, then. Perhaps there was something about the Underground that you didn’t want to leave behind. Maybe you weren’t ready to go back to living on the surface just yet. It’s not as if I could blame you for that one.

What I didn’t notice (and what I am noticing now), was how much attention you were giving me. And well, it’s not that I didn’t notice. I was just too busy being annoyed about it, and rightfully so. Can’t the narrator of your life narrate in peace? I do not care for superfluous conversation. And that’s not even the worst of it. Frisk, you should not be so casual about sharing control of your body, That’s like, the one thing you should never have to share. Sure, it happened one time, but I only stepped in because you were so afraid, and I didn’t even realize it was happening until it was me that the spears were getting shot at. That’s different. I will not take control of your body just to eat a slice of pie. Your pity for me is insulting.

What’s troubling is that it doesn't seem to be going away.

You take your first shivering step into Snowdin (for the fourth time, I can’t help but note) without so much as a glance behind you. This time, you left Toriel with no hesitation, and I know it’s because you know I didn’t want to stay. You’re not even trying to hide it. This is when I finally decide it’s time to confront you.

What are you doing? I ask.

“I’m…walking?” you respond, confused, through thoughts. Your boots crunch satisfyingly through the snow to prove your point. Crunch, crunch, crunch. I huff in frustration.

Frisk. Why do you keep Resetting?

This stops you (and your crunchy boots) in your tracks, and suddenly I can feel anxiety radiating off of you. You weren’t expecting me to ask you this directly.

When you don’t respond, I continue, a little bit of venom coating my words despite my best efforts. For the third time now, you have made it to the end, broken the barrier, only to start all over again. Do you not feel even the slightest bit of remorse?

“Of course I feel bad!” you’re quick to say, as if you’re surprised I would assume otherwise. “But…we’ll still get there again in the end; it’s not that big a deal.”

That’s a horrible excuse.

“Why’re you so angry about it?” Your voice comes out sharp in the frigid air.

Why are you so stubborn?

“What’re you even talking about?!”

You’re trying to delay the inevitable.

You’re about to debate me on that, too, in a defensive way rather than a genuinely angry way. But you stop, because you suddenly understand that I understand, and the anxiety returns. You continue walking after a brief hesitation.

Goodbyes are never easy, I say, as gently as I can. (It ends up sounding forced anyway.)

You ignore me, and I allow you to.

~~~

What are you going to do once you get back to the surface? Once you decide to stay?

You’ve made it to Waterfall at this point, having made it through Snowdin without much event. You’re getting a little tired of doing the same thing every time; I can tell, but you would never admit to it.

You kick a stone on the ground, watching as it disappears into the dark grass. “I dunno.” (“I dunno-”) (“-dunno-”)

Your own voice travels around you in echoes and fragments. You really shouldn’t talk out loud like this in the middle of all these echo flowers. Number one, it’s annoying, and that should be reason enough, but number two, you shouldn’t make a habit of talking out loud to the voice in your head at all. People are going to think you’re weird. And I mean, you’re already pretty weird, but do you really want the reputation of “the weird kid who talks to themself” stuck to you even after I’m gone?

I didn’t even realize you were listening to all that, but you flinch at that last part, not only mentally but physically too, and I try to ignore the fact that you’re proving my point.

I hum thoughtfully. You “don’t know”? That’s certainly an issue then, isn’t it?

You start to fidget with the hem of your sweater and return to talking to me through thoughts, much to my relief. “I just haven’t thought much about it.”

This is a lie. But I don’t point that out to you.

You’re in a part of Waterfall that you’ve never seen before. Admittedly, it’s not much different to the parts you have seen before, but the fact that it’s new at all is good enough for you. You’re trying to explore the area as much as you can this time around, because you’ve realized just how expansive Waterfall really is and the curiosity you came here with the first time still hasn’t left you. You’ve barely seen a fraction of the place, and you definitely won’t manage to see all of it, but you’re certainly going to try.

I might take this time to remind you that no matter how many times you’ve befriended her in the past, Undyne is still hunting you down in this timeline. So maybe taking the time to look at every blade of grass there is to look at isn’t the best idea. But whatever.

There are quite a few echo flowers growing in this area, as I mentioned before. It seems more secluded than the rest of the caverns that make up Waterfall, if that’s even possible. You can see the main path you usually walk from where you’re standing, separated from you by a large expanse of luminescent cyan water, and an overwhelming sense of calm washes over you. It’s like this is a little cove carved out just for you, safe from everything that may hurt you. It’s hard for me not to feel the same sense of calm. Whether it’s just the spilling over of your emotions or completely and entirely mine is hard to tell, but it doesn’t really matter.

Why don’t we sit here for a minute? I ask. You let out a breath and descend to the ground, hugging your knees and resting your head against the rough cavern walls without hesitation, as if you were waiting for me to say just that.

It’s nice to just be here, for me, with you, like this. Together. Your hands are intertwined in the way that I know means you’re trying to hold my hand, in whatever way you can. We look out at the stillness of the water, listening to the sound of rushing waterfalls in the distance. We both must be thinking about the same thing, now, because although I don’t agree with the Resets, I understand why you don’t want to leave, to some extent. Have you convinced me that you’re right? Have I felt this way the entire time and simply didn’t realize until now? I can’t say for certain. But I’m becoming increasingly aware of my own fear of reaching the end.

“Chara?” you say, voice cracking a little. The sound of my name spoken aloud and echoed around by the echo flowers startles me. “It’s just that…I really, really don’t wanna be by myself again.”

I feel tears pricking at your eyes. The honesty in your voice stings.

You won’t be by yourself, I try halfheartedly. Everyone will be up there with you.

You reposition to rest your head on your knees. “You know what I mean,” you whisper, and after a moment you say. “You’re not gonna be there.”

…Right. Of course.

That is the funny thing about good things, see. About journeys and stories. And lives. They end. Sometimes (always) too soon.

I do not know what I was expecting the first time you made it to the surface. What, was I just going to live inside your head forever? Would you want that? Would I? The strangest thing happened when you stepped over that threshold where the barrier once stood, when everyone else followed you out. I felt you pull away from me, and then I watched the back of your head as you walked out into the sun. It was a bit disorienting. I wasn’t seeing through your eyes anymore, I was just…there. Watching. Barely even there, because I couldn't feel you there justifying my existence anymore.

I don’t think there was a doubt in either of our minds about what that meant. As everyone else chatted in awe of how beautiful the sun was, you looked back at me (although I don’t think you really saw me, just the empty opening of the cave). There was confusion, or sadness, or panic on your face. I’ve never had to read your face from the outside before, what a funny thing to realize. Whatever emotion it was, it was enough to make you Reset. And then again, and again. It really was for my sake, then.

This makes me feel a strange mixture of things, but the feeling of guilt sticks out like a sore thumb. Frisk, I don’t want you to feel any sort of…obligation? Or anything? To keep me alive. I’ve been wanting to be dead for a long time.

It’s a lame attempt at humor to lighten the mood, but as soon as I think it, I realize how unfunny it sounds. It kind of stops being a joke when it’s true.

Still, you reply, “It’s not like that. You know that.”

You are making some awfully bold assumptions here, though they’re not entirely false. I’m inclined to ask, what is it like then? Would moving on with your life not be the best option here? Everything is going to work out for you. And, hey, you won’t even have to put up with an annoying ghost in your head anymore.

“What if I like the annoying ghost in my head?”

Well, then you’re weird. But we’ve already established that.

That gets a smile out of you. “See? You always make me feel better,” you think, and I want to roll my eyes at that. I want to remind you of all the times I made you feel worse rather than better, but I stay quiet for now.

“…Before I came here,” you start, eyes trained on the ground as you fidget with the grass there, “I was alone a lot. It wasn’t so bad, but…it wasn’t so good either.” You shrug one of your shoulders. “I dunno. I didn’t think about it much. I had to take care of myself, and there was never anyone there…to say it’d be okay, or to tell me dumb jokes, or just be there…y’know?”

Yeah. I do know.

…

“I kinda panicked when I left the Underground and you weren’t there. You were just…gone, and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t even really mean to Reset, I just didn’t think, and I-“

You sigh.

“I just really care about you. You’re like my best friend, Chara- ‘N that’s what it’s like. It’s like saying goodbye to your best friend.”

Oh.

Ha ha. Yes, I really do know that, don’t I?

“Wait, augh. I-I probably shouldn’t’ve said it like that, I’m sorry-“

No, Frisk, there is no need to apologize. It is fine. It’s fine.

Your fingernails claw into the grass and the dirt beneath.

I know. I know what you mean. I really do.

I try not to think of my brother. I fail.

I did not think you would care so much. It’s- (stupid), I want to say, but you are not stupid. (See, caring about me always gets people hurt), I want to say, but that’s not your fault. (What did you expect?), I want to say. (I don’t believe you), I want to say. (I don’t understand you), I want to say. I can’t- I can’t say any of that. I can’t say anything to you, right now.

You- you nod, a little concerned, but you give me space. You bring your hands together again and gaze out at the water again for a minute. Then, finally, you decide to continue onwards. You have a fish monster to face.

~~~

Being here doesn’t get easier, no matter how prepared I am after each Reset. The grey, achromatic walls and floors. The feeling of despair in the air. The stillness. It directly contrasts my memories of warmth and color and love in this home. It reminds me too much of dust.

I stay quiet as you kneel in front of the save star. It glows in a steady, consistent way, light flowing out from the center and disintegrating at the edges. A comforting feeling washes over you, as it always does, and you step into the house.

It’s as lonely as ever. You should just get this over with. The monsters that are always here to greet you at this phase of your journey stop you on your way to the kitchen.

“A long time ago, a human fell into the Ruins,” one of the Froggits begins. You stand there with your hands clasped together and listen politely, as you always do. I put up a mental barrier between myself and the world and try not to listen, as I always do.

The key on the kitchen countertop glints in the other room. You wait for the Froggits to finish speaking before grabbing it and returning to the hallway. You make your way to the far end of the hall to grab the second key, too, before entering my old room.

You open the gift boxes and take the locket and dagger out without a word. I relish the familiar weight around your neck as you reach back to fasten the locket’s clasp. It helps me find the words I want to say.

Frisk. I don’t want to keep doing this.

You’re surprised to hear me speak, but you listen.

What we talked about earlier… It’s not that I don’t want to stay. I think…you’ve helped me a lot too. And I’m really glad I met you. I’m just tired of feeling stuck in the past. A part of me…wants that, but. It hurts, being here but not being able to do anything. To fix anything.

Plus, I mean. You!! The barrier’s broken thanks to you! You and…Asriel, of course. At least, it will be. Again. It’s… I’m glad it worked out in the end. Even if it took a really long time.

I wish things could be different. I wish I could stay, at least a little longer, but I don’t want to take this away from them. Or from you. I made my choice a long time ago, and this is already more than I deserve.

…

Are you…crying?

You’re holding your arms around yourself, as well. What is this???

“A hug,” you say through thoughts, sniffling.

Oh.

“I’m sorry for making you feel like that.”

It’s not your fault.

“I shouldn’t’ve kept Resetting, though. I knew it upset you the first time…”

I understand why you did it now, though. It’s okay, really.

“Okay…”

You rub your eyes with your sleeve and stand up, giving yourself a self-assured nod.

“Don’t worry. This will be the last time.”

~~~

When it’s time to fight Asriel, we’re both filled with determination. The nothingness surrounding us erupts in color and light, illuminated by kaleidoscopic starbeams and glimmering stardust. Attacks rain down on you from above, and you weave your body between them masterfully. You can’t evade them all, but I’m there cheering you on. A blast from Shocker Breaker shatters your soul; I reach out to press the pieces back together. But it refused!

Asriel floats above you, smirking with confidence in his power. You aren’t afraid of him anymore. You know all too well what he’s capable of, but you know him better now than you did when you first encountered him, just a human and a flower with a million untold secrets between them. He’d laid all his puzzle pieces out before you, and you can’t help but see the whole painful picture before you now. He’s stuck in a cycle, much like you but nothing like you at all. You’re going to help him bring it to an end. (Once and for all.)

The attacks keep coming, but you persist. You reach out to your friends within Asriel’s soul and remind them of who they are. Undyne, whom you admire for her enthusiasm and sense of justice. Alphys, whose intelligence and desire to do better inspire you. Papyrus, whom you enjoy hanging out with for his optimism and dedication. Sans, who tells you jokes that make you laugh and whose laid-back attitude puts you at ease. Toriel, who cares for you as her own child and made you feel safe when you first found yourself in this unfamiliar place. Asgore, whose presence is both comforting and sad, knowing of the difficult decisions he’s had to make in his life. Once you’ve reached out to all your friends, there’s only one thing left to do.

It seems that there’s still one last person that needs to be saved.

So you reach out to Asriel. And I do, too. He’s not the same as he was all those years ago, when we were just two kids playing in a muddy flower garden, and neither am I. But it’s still him, despite everything. He resists…and he’s still crying out to you as if you’re me. It hurts. I watch him do this every time, desperately latch on to the belief that I’m not really gone, and the ironic thing is that I have been here the whole time.

“I’m not ready for this to end,” he says, confident façade cracking.

It ended a long time ago.

“I’m not ready for you to leave,” he says.

I know.

“I’m not ready to say goodbye to someone like you again…”

…

“So, please…” His voice shakes, laced with despair. “Stop doing this… And just let me win!!!”

He raises his arms and summons all his magic for one final attack. Your vision is overwhelmed with color as the blast hits you, and you barely register the way he screams at you to stop holding on as your HP drops, with each passing second, to an impossibly low number. But it never reaches zero. You don’t die; your soul doesn’t shatter, because you’ve made it this far and you’re not about to give up now.

Finally, the world grows silent as the sound of magic rushing past your ears subsides. You’re exhausted, though Asriel is barely even paying attention to you anymore. He closes his eyes. Suddenly he seems so small inside his godlike form, too small to really be the Absolute God of HYPERDEATH.

“I’m so alone, Chara…” he says. “I’m so afraid…” They’re echoes of words I’ve already heard him say three times before, but they feel like acid nonetheless because it’s my fault and I’m the reason he’s like this, but you firmly tell me that it’s not. I don’t know if I can believe you, but I lean into you and try not to say anything more.

…

The world fades to black, and Asriel stands before you, looking the way I remember him once again. He’s covering his face, wiping away his tears and probably trying to hide the fact that he’s crying, too. He always was a crybaby, wasn’t he?

“I always was a crybaby, wasn’t I, Chara?”

Ha. Indeed.

He pauses for a moment, a thoughtful expression on his face. “…I know. You’re not actually Chara, are you? Chara’s been gone for a long time.”

You open your mouth to protest, but… Come on, Frisk, I can’t do that to him. Not after all that.

“But… Are you sure?”

I’m not… I am not here to stay. It would be a mistake to get his hopes up.

You twist your fingers together, disappointed, but you close your mouth anyway.

I’m only half-listening as he continues, asking for your name (which you have given him three times already) and apologizing for his actions. This is the last time I’m going to see him, is it not? He will break the barrier, and then you will go to the surface with everyone else. And I… Well, I don’t actually know what will happen to me. I won’t be able to come with you. I know that, at the very least. It looks like it might really be the end for me. I don’t know how to feel about that.

You tell him you forgive him, as you do every time. It seems only fair to you, after everything he’s gone through. A part of you understands him, even though most of you doesn’t, and you hope the knowledge that somebody in the universe forgives him gives him some solace. He smiles at you sadly.

He can’t stay, he tells you. With a deep breath, he closes his eyes in concentration. The human souls gather around him as he rises into the air, hovering around him in a circle, and the monster souls follow suit, glowing in the darkness. With the combined power of the human souls and every monster soul in the Underground, each pulsing with the same desire…the barrier is finally broken.

It’s over. There’s a weighty sense of resolution to it now. I don’t want you to Reset again. I know you won’t.

I stare at Asriel through your eyes as he lowers to the ground again, head tilted down, eyes closed. He looks so tired. He tells you that he needs to go, that you should go be with the people that care about you. You should just forget about him, he says. As if that would be possible.

Every word feels like a countdown, and I want to do something, but I can’t move. I need him to forget about me. I can’t be here messing everything up. I don’t…want him to forget me. But I don’t want him to hurt remembering me. I don’t want to stay here… I don’t want to go.

You hug Asriel. To my surprise, your arms tighten around him as you allow me to slip into control. “Just for a minute,” you think. The feeling of warmth and his sweater under my fingers and my chin on his shoulder hits me so suddenly that I can’t stop my tears from running down your face. I relax into the hug, though. I close my eyes and try to forget where we are and what we’ve been through. I don’t want to let go…

When he finally pulls away, he gives me a weird look, but it’s gone in a moment.

“I’ll miss you,” I say without thinking.

He laughs. “Please don’t.”

And just like that, he’s gone again.

“You okay?” you ask as you slip back into control. Your presence is comforting beside mine in your mind.

I am, I say. Yeah.

~~~

Outside, clouds drift lazily across the sky, a beautiful gradient from lilac to yellow to frame the setting sun. Over the edge of the mountainside, you can just barely see the tops of trees stretching out into the distance, leaves tousling gently in the breeze. Tall buildings silhouette the sky on one side, and on the other, more mountains.

The light streams in through the exit to the Underground, of which you stand behind. One of your hands is cupped over the other in front of you, and you run your fingertips over the knuckles absently. You have been standing here for a while, hesitant.

Congratulations, partner, I start in an attempt to ease the tension, you’ve saved everyone once again.

“We did,” you correct. “And Asriel.”

Of course. And now, think about it. Everyone is free for real. They can see the sun, the sky, the stars… There’s a whole future ahead of them. And you get to be a part of it. That’s amazing, is it not?

“Mhm…”

You could stay with Mom. She would make you breakfast in the morning, read you bedtime stories at night. I bet Undyne would be willing to teach you some sick fighting moves. Anime nights with Alphys.

“I could hang out with Sans and Papyrus.”

Yeah! You could learn how to make music with Napstablook. That might be fun. And Mettaton might need some help becoming a star on the surface, too.

You giggle. “I think he’s got that covered.”

Maybe. I smile along with you. But, aren’t you excited? Not everything will be easy, but you have so many people supporting you.

“I know…” You sigh through your nose. “You deserve all that too, though; it’s not fair.”

Hey. The lilac is disintegrating from the sky, fading into a deep orange. Some of the wind makes it into the cave, crisp air whistling through the doorway and cooling your skin. Hey, you know what? It’s worth it. It’s okay.

I think there are tears in your eyes again. Come on, please don’t cry.

I can’t stay here forever. I’m already overstaying my welcome, being dead and all. I was supposed to be gone a long time ago, but…I got to meet you by some miracle, and that makes it all worth it, I think. Even if I can’t stay.

“Charaaa…”

I laugh a little. Don’t worry about me, Frisk. Really. I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

You hug yourself- “Hug you,” you correct. Oh. Okay. You hug me, and I, try to hug you back? It’s a little bit awkward, but I appreciate it all the same. The emotional vulnerability is starting to make me uncomfortable, but I need you to know I care about you. I know you’ll be okay.

Ha ha, this goodbye stuff is pretty hard, huh?

“Goodbye,” you say simply, with a teasing smile.

Oh, not so hard for you, it seems. Well then, “goodbye” to you, too.

I pause. …And good luck out there, partner. I think Asriel said it best: take care of everyone for me, okay? Even him.

You nod and give me a shaky little thumbs up. That’s the spirit! (Pun always intended.)

With a glance over to the others, who are in the other room, chatting amongst themselves and waiting for you, you decide you’re finally ready to go. You let everyone know, and the excitement in the room is palpable as you all make your way to the exit. They make a fuss out of you, ruffling your hair and smiling back at you. You let them leave first, and then at last, you step over the threshold yourself. I feel our connection sever.

And then I’m watching the back of your head as you walk away again. Before you reach the others though, you turn around to give me a small wave.

That’s it, I guess… I can’t exactly wave back, but I wish you well and thank you for everything. Together, you and I allow time to continue on.

[avoidantrecovery]

my thoughts on rejection sensitivity, fawning, criticism and how i want to get better about them

these are just some notes/me thinking aloud/me writing notes to myself and putting things into perspective/connecting some dots. maybe others can relate.

✦ abandonment/rejection based trauma leads to... ✦ needing to be accepted and liked by any- and everyone (fawning) to restore safety/ensure feeling safe which leads to... ✦ due to being stuck in trauma response/having a trauma rewired brain: strong sensitivity and fear of any kind of rejection or criticism, which leads to... ✦ responsibility for your emotions and self-perceptions are outsourced (for the lack of a better word) to (random) third persons (who are not even aware of this). which leads to... ✦ difficulty to interact and communicate with people without crushing hypervigilance, anxiety, numbing, strong emotional reactions... leads to... ✦ random third parties and their reaction to us (be it via facial expressions, tone, conversation, action or inaction, etc...) now makes or breaks our emotional state ✦ a positive reaction gives us (if we're lucky) positive emotions (dopamine, safety, elation) a negative reaction however leads to the exact opposite -> we are at the whims of random people ✦ inevitable negative feedback then leads to severe negative emotions including anxiety, shame, self-devaluing and self-abuse ✦ this becomes a cycle of wanting others to reflect that "we are good" back to us in places where it's not relevant and will lead to negative feedback and rejection, isolating and then doing it all over again.

what to do instead?

✸ realize that this is a cycle that is happening and why (trauma) ✸ be mindful and have self-compassion for your past (fawning) behaviour to avoid shame and self-hate (you were stuck in a trauma response, not doing it on purpose) ✸ realize that minute reactions of all people doesn't have to matter to you. this is something you have to practise day in day out, because your brain is stuck in this mode. ✸ it's fucked up that we often have to deal with people who are outright hostile and having a negative reaction to that is normal and healthy. however, everyone who has ever felt the overwhelming crushing sensation of rejection sensitivity knows there is a difference between that and "a healthy negative reaction". ✸ we shouldn't have to internalize and emotionally tattoo every minute thing someone else says or does to us, esp. if they are hostile ✸ it shouldn't control us for the rest of the day, week, month or even longer ✸ there is nothing we can do to control others behaviour (even by prostrating and fawning to the max), it is not even our responsibility, but we can try to better manage and process our own emotions to ensure we are not constantly dysregulated. ✸ use "the levels method" to sort to what degree someone's feedback matters to you ✸ realize that you will probably fall back into old behaviour patterns because "nerves that fire together, wire together". meaning it is through repetition that we form new habits and it's by reducing "firing" old behaviour patterns that we are able to eventually let them go.

the levels method

✸ level 1: random strangers on the street: 0.5/5 ✸ level 2: random people you see daily (neighbors, barista, etc...): 1/5 ✸ level 3: work/school people 2/5 (only professional/educational stuff matters, do not take things personal or internalize professional critic as personal critic, i know this is hard and often unfair) ✸level 4: acquaintances and friends: 3/5 ✸ level 5: family and good friends: 4/5 ✸ level 6: your own selected loved ones 5/5

☞ i just came up with this little method that i will try to use to weigh my emotions and how seriously i have to take people's reactions to me. again, it's not easy and it's something that has to be practised to get right. however, the idea is to get away from processing the random reaction of a stranger, or even of a co-worker or client, with the same intensity and seriousness of selected loved one whose feedback i obviously care about a lot.

what if i don't have loved ones?

✸ this is one thing that has been bothering me ✸ i think for some people the "outsourcing" of emotions onto other people and that whole cycle, is intensified by not having any selected loved ones due to isolation etc... ✸ it's likely that you will, perhaps without being aware of it, begin to look for emotional feedback (to feel safe due to trauma brain) from people who fall within level 1-level 3 or 4. ✸ people need social contact and if there is nobody else around we might look to have our emotional needs met by people who aren't even aware or responsible for that ✸ i am currently in this situation and all i can do for now, until i do find new selected loved ones, is to be aware when i do it and steer away from it when it happens. ✸ if you are in contact with family or friends, this can be a better outlet as random strangers or classmates/co-workers

(not medical advice, just thinking out loud)

[safe-from-sharp-teeth]

Ayo! I haven't answered asks in FOREVER, so it's time for some spring cleaning :) Also answering other stuff, like what I've been up to.

If you sent an ask and it's not here, sorry! I may have deleted it because the prompt required too much work of me and I wasn't feeling it, or I was uncomfortable.

Let's gooooo !

Firstly - where have I been? Work REALLY picked up in a way I wasn't expecting over the last...4 months? I was working double and often triple the hours I was used to. With work, vacations, random illnesses, and many video games I got a bit too obsessed with, this blog took a backseat. Plus, sometimes I get disinterested in vore when obsessed with something else. Sometimes, that lasts months, and it did this time.

But now I can confirm that work will FINALLY chill for a long period of time. I'm free! And more motivated than ever! Wahoo! Thanks for your support ALWAYS.

Next big question - when am I going to do more of my story? The one with Asyr? AHHHHHGHHGHH this story has consumed my life. I think about it daily. I dream about it. And yet I'm not as comfortable writing as I am drawing, so writing is a slow process that my perfectionist ass struggles with. I can assure you that there is a story in the works - and I am working on it at a snail's pace.

Okay, ask time...

@ponyluvesonic09 AYO maybe I'll make a full ghost pred pros/con list for you, because that sounds awesome! Kir//by is one of the silliest canon preds out there. Honestly getting eaten by him would be like getting vored by a vacuum, LOL. Galaxy tummy!! Imagine a prey floating around in one of those item bubbles all grumpy. Thank u for the ask, this is good stuff.

no. ( /・・)ノ

UWAGHHHHH I LIKE HER!!! Never played O/verwat/ch but what a gem!! I have a random fondness for centaur-like preds nowadays. She looks so cozy. THANK U I LOVE HER!!!

@tiger9o0 I have not played r//ain w//orld or know what it's about, LOL. Looks like a platformer? Man, I'm terrrriiiiibblleee at those. But whoever this is on the cover, I LIKE EM. A+. (That might not answer ur question shdjbghkjg SORRY)

@heimkoheimkofan LOVE THAT I GOT THE ROBOT ENJOYERS AFTER THAT ONE POST....YES yall are so right and I'm so wrong for just hard metal robot tums. I will rectify my mistake soon I PROMISE. Also oh! You were the one asking about stomachs other than elemental ones! IVE HAD THAT IN MY DRAFTS FOREVER IM SORRY AHHHH. I REALLY love your imagination with tums and you've inspired me to think of some awesome environments! THANKS

@fastfur07 BWAH?? Ugh I'm all over the place when it comes to art. Some pieces take 30 min (like the zangooc I drew at the top of this post), most take 2 days. Some really hard drawings like my wolf bat creechur from a few months ago and my shrimp from last year took a month. THANK U??

We're going back so far that I think this is about my naga oc (which I'm in the midst of redesigning cough cough). For him, he would never tolerate being prey, extremely unwilling bahaha. In general, I haven't thought much about naga or snake prey! I get the appeal of slurping up a noodle, but I just prefer human prey :)

@fastfur07 you fiend, you always give me the best drawing ideas. UNFORTUNATELY, I didn't have time to draw something for this one. BUTTTT....

(i've had this next one in my drafts for forever)

then i had a silly comic. I'll post the wip here because I won't finish it, so enjoy bahaha.

@blizzaria123-blog THANK U im rapidly melting into a puddle from ur words

@mrpotatomanversionsix relevant. i will continue drawing them 4 u

?!??!!??!?!??!?!?!??!?!? how dare u enter my ask box with this blasphemy

@sfwsillynoms WAH!!! you!!! I'm currently redesigning my naga oc but when I finish I'll tag you, if you're still around! And he can 100% be drawn with ur preysona :)

@mystorl i am SO late to this, but SMART. I like it. I shall give my lil guy this friend. I just want to let u know that I see this and it's wonderful and I will do something abt it.

I remember this ask made me laugh a ton when I first got it. thank u. idk why I find this so funny

@sillylilprey IM CRYING RIGHT BACK AHHHH this is an ancient ask, but thank u! hope you're still enjoying!

@terrytheinsane finally, the last ask in my askbox. I love it. You have been wronged with how long it took me to answer you. I have gained knowledge from your ask. THANKS

AND THAT'S IT!! Thanks guys, I hope to make you proud! Feel free to send more asks, and hopefully I will answer in a TIMELY manner.

Goodnight! And remember: Nice Vore ᕕ༼⌐■-■༽ᕗ

[humbledragon669]

S1E3 – Hard Times Write Up P5 - Friday (One day to the end of the World) up to "the break up"

So, here we are, more than halfway through the episode yet only just getting to the credits. That really threw me the first time I watched this episode! I do think it’s a very clever way to handle the format of this episode though – you couldn’t exactly break the flow of the historical scenes to make way for the credits, and those scenes definitely don’t belong nestled in amongst the main storyline, particularly as all of those scenes were additional material written specifically for the show (as described by Neil in the introduction to the Script Book – this was do with ensuring consistency for seeing Crowley and Aziraphale in every episode of the season). Despite the fact that the storyline covered in these scenes is newly created, the information we learn from them is crucial to understanding the motives, emotions, and thought processes that the angel and demon show throughout the show, and I genuinely don’t think the rest of the episodes, or our relationship with the two main characters, would have been the same without them.

I also think the crazy-fast montage of scenes that we see immediately following the credits is a great way of bringing us back to the main storyline of the show, picking up right where we left off at the end of episode 2, which in fairness does seem like an awfully long time ago – after all, we’ve just been through a whistle-stop tour of 6000 years of history.

The entire sequence takes 5 seconds and appears to use a different image for every frame of film, which means it consists of approximately 130 different tableaus, in chronological order of their appearance in the season. Some editor had fun doing that I’m sure.

Knowing that I should be looking at any instances of writing whenever it’s used, I paused my rewatch of this episode at the point where we’re shown Aziraphale’s little planning board. Whilst most of it makes perfect sense (a map, notes about Adam’s name, relevant prophecy numbers), there is also a sheet of paper covered in writing that, to me at least is completely ineligible:

If anybody knows what this writing is, or even if it’s just made-up scribblings to look cool, I’d love to know the answer.

The conversation between Adam and Anathema has always struck me as slightly odd. I mean, it’s nice that Adam stops to ask if she’s OK (when she clearly is not), but there doesn’t appear to be any recognition from either party that they actually met just the day before. And forgive me for imposing modern-day suppositions on to work that was written a few decades previously, but a fully grown adult inviting a kid into their house for something to drink just feels creepy to me. We know she’s perfectly fine to be around though so we’ll let it go. What I do like about the conversation is that there’s an echoing of the exchange that Crowley and Aziraphale shared as they were leaving Tadfield Manor (about angels not being occult but ethereal) but this time the labels in contention are “witch” and “occultist”.

ADAM: Are you a witch? ANATHEMA: No, I’m an occultist.

It’s a nice nod to the notion that words have power. Both parties are describing the same idea but choosing what connotations they want to associate with it. And what’s really important to note on that matter is that changing Anathema’s label completely changes Adam’s opinion of her immediately.

Side note: anybody else find the juxtaposition of some manky old thumbscrews right next to a colourful birthday candle to be a beautifully accurate summation for what an oblivious shitshow the Witchfinder’s Army really is?

I find the choice of location for Crowley’s meeting with Shadwell to be an interesting one. The café they meet in proudly declares itself to be the “Best Café in Wandsworth”. Wandsworth is a long way from Crouch End, where we know Shadwell lives, and Mayfair, which is where the book states Crowley’s flat is located. And just so we’re covering some of the other possibilities, it’s nowhere near Soho and Aziraphale hasn’t set up the meeting at the 3rd rendezvous point yet for it to be a precursor location for the meeting on the bandstand. Why Wandsworth?

There are a couple of Easter Eggs in Crowley’s newspaper here, and perhaps one on the TV playing in the background. Let’s start with the newspaper. It’s no surprise that Crowley would be reading the Infernal Times, but who knew that demons would consider a bit of hiking for their holidays:

It’s a bit hard to make out, but I’m pretty sure that the headline reads something about walking trails. And it’s a pretty pathetic sounding front page headline:

In case you can’t read it (again, it difficult to make out), it says “SOUL MUSIC: Catalogue your collection of Souls?”. As a headline it doesn’t make a great deal of sense, but I think this is probably a reference to Crowley’s soul music collection mentioned in the book.

He was very proud of his collection. It had taken him ages to put together. This was real Soul Music. James Brown wasn’t in it.

The last of the headlines I can actually make out is the following:

Again, if you can’t quite make it out, this one describes some latest research that suggests exorcisms are on the rise in Wales. Just who has done the research, and why specifically concentrating on Wales, remains a mystery. Now let’s have a look at that TV in the corner of the room:

This was really tricky to get a clipping of something that made sense but the footage on the screen looks like it’s set in Puritan times. The guy on the right in this image is even wearing a costume reminiscent of Adultery Pulsifer’s clothes in the previous episode, so perhaps this a witchfinder? I couldn’t get anything concrete, but I think it’s probably a little Easter Egg nonetheless.

It’s nice that we have an acknowledgement of Shadwell’s involvement with Crowley going back decades during the conversation where we discover the demon is sponsoring the Witchfinder’s Army. We know, from the 1967 historical scene, that Crowley has been dealing with this dense oaf for 50 years by this point. I suppose in a show where character recognition, or rather the lack of it (see previous scene with Adam and Anathema, or even the use of the same actors to play different characters as we see in season 2) happens regularly, it was probably necessary to script something that explicitly states that these two characters are aware of the “resemblance” that Crowley bears to someone Shadwell knew many years previously.

Moving back to Anathema and Adam now (this episode does fair rattle through the sub-plot development doesn’t it?!). What’s with the whale obsession please? This isn’t the first time we hear about how whales have big brains (Crowley already raised this point when he was very drunk in episode 1), and it won’t be the last. I mean, I’m not denying that they do have huge brains, I just didn’t realise it was a thing that so many people thought about. I wonder if it’s one of those questions you supposedly can ask men about to get an unexpected response, like how often they think about ancient Rome? Regardless, the whale comment is just one of a bunch of foreshadowing Clues in this scene for later on.

They’ve got it all covered – ley lines, nuclear power stations, the Kraken, Atlantis, and Tibet, all mentioned or seen in a very short space of time. There’s even mention of the destruction of the Brazilian rainforests, something Adam tries to resolve in the book.

Up in Heaven, which looks like an incredibly boring place in my opinion, Aziraphale is busy telling his superiors things they’re either not interested in or already know. I don’t know whether Uriel’s line “what’s happening” is a little reference to Jesus Christ Superstar (the song “What’s the Buzz” uses this phrase repeatedly throughout), but if it is it would effectively put Aziraphale in the role of Jesus, with the archangels being disciples. Not exactly fitting with canon, so maybe this is a little Easter Egg. Or maybe it’s nothing at all.

Whilst I was doing this write up, I noticed that Aziraphale is the only one of the angels to be wearing a patterned garment – his trademark tartan. It’s a nice way to subtly distinguish him, or more precisely his relationship with the concept of free will, from the other angels, and whilst we know he has been exercising his own free will for centuries, his addition of a non-standard item of clothing to angelic attire would suggest he is becoming more comfortable with his stance. Looking back through the historical scenes (including the ones from season 2 we are yet to see), I think the tartan first makes it appearance in 1862, but I’m happy to be corrected on that.

It's a good job that the archangels are a somewhat dense bunch because Aziraphale does not do a good job of hiding when he’s hiding something here. He has a tendency to overact when it comes to the discussion around Crowley, and the pause he puts in before his non-committal answer to Gabriel’s questioning is almost painful.

It should be obvious to them that he’s covering something up but luckily they’re totally oblivious and Aziraphale actually manages to buy himself some time. Credit to him here – he went to Heaven with preconceived ideas of how this conversation was going and he not only manages to adapt to the deviation from his expectations, he also considers what this means, how it changes his plans, comes up with a plan for how to achieve his new objective, and executes that plan very convincingly. There’s a lot of talk about how Aziraphale can often be pretty dense at times, but this little scene should tell you that that’s only really true when it comes to Crowley – outside of the blinkers of friendship and love, this is one quick-thinking and intelligent angel.

We’ve had a couple of mentions of Crowley being “fallen” before now in the show, but I think this is the first time we get any clues as to why that might have been. And surprisingly for such an important piece of information, it’s delivered in an almost nonchalant way.

There was war in Heaven, long before the Earth was created. Crowley and the rest were cast out. Not nothing was ever really settled.

We already knew that Crowley wasn’t the only fallen angel (see Hastur’s comments in episode 2) but this is the first mention of him being involved in all-out war against Heaven. Hastur talks about rebelling in the previous episode, so we can only assume that these are two puzzle pieces that fit together. I don’t know whether season 3 will bring us a fuller answer for Crowley’s fall, but I hope so. I feel like it’s a huge part of his history and who he is; as a fan it would be nice to be able to put it all together for an even better understanding of his character.

Gabriel’s comments about the war and Armageddon make for some interesting discussion points. He says that even though the fallen angels were cast out of Heaven, nothing was settled. What exactly were they hoping would be the outcome of that war? If it was the destruction of those who rebelled, why only cast them out? Why not destroy them at that point? And why exactly does Earth have to get tied up in all of this? His parting line about Earth’s destruction offers little to the debate about what Earth’s role is in the whole Heaven/Hell war, only that Heaven is determined to destroy it, regardless.

The Earth isn’t going to just end itself, you know.

Charming. And unfortunately for Aziraphale, his lack of enthusiasm for another war has triggered the suspicion of the archangels – it’s interesting that he was able to cover his intentions through his talk of Crowley and poorly disguised buying for time but what really makes them think he can’t be trusted is that he clearly isn’t fully on their side when it comes to war.

There is a line in the book about anybody who meets Aziraphale believing him to be “gayer than a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide”. I can see how this might have been a little difficult to get into a TV show, but I think the double entendre delivered by the following exchange probably serves as a suitable alternative:

AZIRAPHALE: Do you have any men free? I need them to poke about a bit. SHADWELL: Poke, eh? And where exactly do you want them poking?

And if it wasn’t clear what Shadwell’s thoughts on Aziraphale were, calling him a “great southern pansy can probably fill in the blanks for you.

Remember what I was saying about Aziraphale not being dense earlier? Well this is one of those moments when he proves the exact opposite. He genuinely appears to believe all the stories Shadwell has fed him about the soldiers of the Witchfinder’s Army. I suspect he simply can’t bear to think that somebody would lie to him for financial gain, something which Crowley appeared to be fully conscious of when he dismissed Shadwell’s presentation of the ledger in the café earlier on. Whatever the angel’s reasons for this gullibility, we as the audience can now see that both of our hero pair are not only funding the Witchfinder Army (for the paltry combined sum of £500 per year according to the Script Book) but making use of their services, and hiding the organisation from the other for fear of reprimand. How very Shakespearian.

There are a few little things I’d like to show appreciation for in the Famine scene. First off, and I did have to look this up, but the word “sable” can be defined as “black”. So Famine’s chosen name consists of 2 words that describe black. Given that one of War’s alternative names is Red (or Carmine, which means crimson, as well as her chosen surname of Zingiber, which is another name for ginger – a word you might use to describe a red-headed person), this is hardly surprising. Next up. I love how beautiful the plate of non-existent food in the fine dining restaurant is. I have eaten at a Michelin starred restaurant and I can assure you, that isn’t far off the mark at all.

Next little Easter Egg – there’s a picture of the Bentley, albeit in red, on the wall of the burger joint that Famine and his assistant go to:

And how many times have we heard/read terms and conditions that sound very similar (scratch that, there are some phrases that are word-for-word perfect) to the ones for Chow for any/all new health product that comes to market with the sole purpose of making money out of gullible/vulnerable people. Neil really nailed the wording and delivery in the script there. Elvis’s presence in the restaurant is a cute bit of humour too, and halfway makes up for one of the lines in the script that didn’t make it to the final cut but made me guffaw like a loon – it’s Death’s response to a question about the year of Elvis’s death from the quiz machine:

I DON’T CARE WHAT IT SAYS. I NEVER LAID A FINGER ON HIM.

Lastly, I’d like to think there’s another instance of script mirroring in the use of the word Chow here. Cast your mind back, all the way to episode 1…

LIGUR: Wassat mean, “Ciao”? HASTUR: It’s Italian. It means “food”.

Except to anyone actually eating Sable’s prized invention Chow isn’t food at all, but eating it might result in you having to say “goodbye” to a lot of things like “hair. And skin tone. And, if you ate enough of it long enough, vital signs.” Beautiful word play.

Side note for the next scene: the Witchfinder Manual actually has a price on the cover (I can’t quite make out what it is, but it’s “old” money), which means at some point that sack of crap was actually sold to people.

One last tiny note: Crowley tells Aziraphale to meet him at the 3rd alternative rendezvous. Not the 3rd rendezvous or the alternative rendezvous. And Aziraphale can’t remember which location it maps to, though he can list off three possibilities, much to Crowley’s annoyance. I’d quite like to know how many formally named rendezvous locations they have, and why they think that referring to them in “code” prevents their respective superiors from knowing they’re meeting in the first place.

I am going to call it on this part of the write up at this point. I had intended for this part to be the last one for this episode, but I’m already at nearly 3000 words and I haven’t covered the “break-up” scene yet. I think I’m partly just putting off the inevitable by not including it here because I find the last scene of this episode very difficult to watch. Nevertheless, I hope you’ll forgive me. I’d hope I can give that scene the attention it deserves if I split it out into its own write up. So for now… comments, questions, discussion, all welcome, as always.

[its-in-the-woods]

The Woman Who Couldn’t Die Part 10

master list

Part 1 , Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9,

Pairing: The Ghoul/Cooper Howard x Original Character

Synopsis: An eerily familiar call rang into the woods. Her whole body stiffened at the call, the missing digit on her left hand screaming like they were fresh.

MINOR GET OUT. Rating/Warning: This is based on Fallout expect typical horror as well as: Blo0d, G0re, Death, Bodily injury, mentions of SH, death, drugs use, soft!cooper, angst, slow burn, hurt/comfort, Dead dove,

Note: that I will not be spoiling any of the reading. I will keep my tags relevant without spoiling what is happening in the story.

*here we are ten chapters in, think we've hit our halfway point.

*lots of angst, can't say there won't be more

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

By the time they found the small shack to hole up in the sun was nearly gone, the Ghoul kept himself busy making a fire. Trying his best not to think too hard about his breakdown with Jade, avoiding the emotional turmoil that had been ringing in his ears. No amount of chem was going to take the edge off of that. Jade hadn’t said much, just walking beside him, heading west. Her words banging around his head, ringing the bell over and over. 

It had been too many years since he had let someone in, too many years of walking this place alone. All for it to be turned upside down by this tiny killing machine, who liked to hold his hand, and lean into his side. Who refused to back down from just about anything put in front of her. He had half a mind to try and knock her out, and leave. The thought of leaving her here was worse. How do you leave someone? How had he ever left anyone? He was getting too old for this bullshit. At least the fire was going, maybe some warmth and light would make the future look less bleak.  

Turning to look at Jade he saw that she had dug out a sewing kit, a small knife, and metal tweezers on a somewhat clean piece of cloth. His brows furrowed at the sight, wondering what the heck she had planned for the evening. He’d never been much of a masochist, even in this world.

“What’s that for?” The Ghoul gestures at the layout of implements. Jade looking back at him confusion written in the lines of her face. 

“You got shot several times, I figured I could dig them out for you,” Jade said, moving over so he could sit beside her. “It’s got to hurt.”

He stood for a moment longer, before looking down at his chest, there were, in fact, a dozen new holes. He had felt it when the bullets had impacted him, but after that, it was just numbed by the chems like everything else. 

“Ahh-” He sighs, sitting beside her, the fire providing enough light for her to see what needed doing. “Usually the bullets come out on their own. Or I dig them out when they get itchy.” 

Jade’s mouth fell open, eyes narrowing at him.“They just come out on their own?” 

The Ghoul shrugs, pushing his jacket off, dropping the bandoleer on the ground beside him. Noticing how her eyes followed the movement of each piece, trying not to think too much about how it made his teeth clench. “Yah, the Ghoulification process speeds up regeneration. So the shrapnel comes out eventually.”

Her brows scrunch, her eyes going to his vest that was dotted with holes. “Would it heal faster if they were taken out?”

She wasn’t going to let it go, Cooper sighing as he nods, if the shrapnel was out they'd be healed by morning. He still didn't move to remove any clothes, he doesn’t have to. Jade is moving watching him with those brown eyes. Her hands work surprisingly well considering she is missing two on one side. He’d needed to return the favor and check the stitches on her hand. Stim-pak worked incredibly well, but she had still lost two fingers. His stitch job was good, and they should heal fine, but it didn't hurt to check.

“There is nothing pretty under there,” The Ghoul swallows, his heart pounding in his chest as she pushes the vest open, moving to work on the button on the worn blue shirt underneath.

“I would be sorely disappointed if there was,” Jade jested, the firelight making the yellow in her eyes sparkle. The Ghoul’s skin itches to get up and walk away from this situation, to ignore the way his stomach got hot as she moved the clothes off of him.  

The Ghoul stops her on the third button, “I mean it Jade, I’ve been walking around this world for a long time.”

Jade carefully grabs his hand, moving it away from the other buttons, and placing them on the dirt beside him. Continuing to undo the rest, she doesn’t flinch when she peels it open. He’d expected some kind of reaction, something that would make it easier for him to push her away. Instead, she looked more curious than not, his skin underneath isn’t as red, more a marbled mix of tans, pink, and deep red streaks. A patchwork of scars covers his chest, dotted with many new holes. Her fingers run over each, eyes never straying from the work ahead of her. 

His mind wandered to that night she had crawled onto his lap to dig radroach guts out of his nose hole. How she had pressed her body against his, the way she had looked down at him before kissing him. How he’d taken off like a bat out of hell, leaving her there in the dirt. Yet she was still there, reaching for tweezers to work out the shrapnel. 

Cooper dug into his bag and pulled out a small flask of moonshine he kept for occasions like this. Taking a swig he offered some to Jade. She took a small sip, looking directly at him without flinching, before going to work. 

It hurt like a son of s bitch, Jade was careful doing minimal cuts, mostly using the tweezers to grab metal and fabric out of the holes. The Ghoul had less nerves, skin hard and calloused, but the cutting still hurt. Her hands worked steadily as if this was a nightly ritual. He wondered how many times she’d sewn herself up over the year. The Waste is awful, but most still squirm at the sight of bleeding wounds, not Jade. Jade never seemed bothered by anything, wise and hardened well beyond her years. 

Each wound would bleed, Jade instructing him to hold a clean piece of cloth against the hole, before going to the next one. The Ghoul does as she asks, even if it wasn’t necessary. She was bound and determined to care for him, and at the end of the day, he really didn’t mind. He couldn't remember the last time someone took the time to make sure he was okay. As she pulled out the final piece, Jade reached for the sewing kit. 

“No need for stitches, it’ll be closed by mornin’.” The Ghoul states, tossing the cloth onto the fire, before starting to button up his shirt. 

Jade stops him, her hand firmly on his chest. Eyes glancing up at him, he can’t help how he licks his lip, she is pushing him back down. He ain't stopping her, watching as Jade crawls onto his lap, looking down at him. Feeling the weight of her thighs on either side of his hips, the flush of her face made his whole body heat up. Could feel the heat radiate from the center of his body, making him yearn to feel just how hot she was. His hands go to rest on her covered thighs, as her fingers push the material further off his chest. Trying not to move, to not take her the way he wanted to.

The tiny shack they were in wasn't being heated by the fire anymore. Jade leaned down to kiss him again, her lips pressed against him as her fingers moved over the wreckage of his body. Cooper opened his mouth just enough to suck her lip into his, Jade keening, her hips rolling as he licked at it. He tried not to react, letting her set the pace for whatever the hell they were doing. Could feel the way he was reacting, her hips grinding down as she felt him underneath her. Her tongue teases inside his mouth, it felt so good, too good.

The Ghoul pulls away, chest heaving from the sweet taste of her on his tongue. “Jade,” He tries to warn her, but she is more than a little persistent. “Stop.”

He can’t do this, it’s too much, despite the fire brewing in his stomach, he couldn’t let her continue. Being what he was, who he was, they were already in a dangerous spot. There wasn't even a proper bed for either of them. He’d drawn a line, kissing, cuddling, holding hands. Sure. But being intimate, he wasn’t going to cross that. Not here, not in this shitty little shack. Jade might have been made in this land, but she deserved something a little nicer than this. 

“I told you,” Jade said quietly, “I am not a child, you don’t get to make choices for me.” 

Cooper looks away, his hands still lying on her thighs, her hands still warm on his chest. His words were lost somewhere under her fingertips. 

Jade nods, lips tight as she looks away, moving off him. To lean her back against the wall. She looks defeated, bags under her eyes prominent in this lighting. She looked both older and younger at the same time. The Ghoul immediately regretted pushing her away, but at the same time, he didn’t. Whatever was going on between them, now was not the time to move that forward.

“It's okay.” She says quietly, fingers rubbing over the bandage of her hand. “Probably safer not to.”  

He sits up, feeling strangely empty without her at his side. He wants to button up his shirt but doesn’t. Jade had pulled out a sweater making a makeshift pillow from it, before rolling away from him. Her back turned to him feeling like a slap to the face. A slap would have been better than this. Cooper wants to touch her desperately, to pull her back against him, to say he was sorry. That he just needed more time or something. 

Instead, he kicks the fire out. His hand moves to grab his inhaler, they falter and he drops them. Rather he reaches for his jacket instead and covers Jade. She thankfully grabs it and pulls it around her, as he sits beside Jade staring into the black void of the space. 

***

Jade wakes to the early morning light, her sleep having been restless without the comforting heat of the Ghoul. She rolls onto her back, staring at the hole-filled ceiling, at least it hadn't rained on them.  She pushes herself up, doing her usual stretches checking that all her bones and joints are still moved. It's just light enough for her to see what she was doing, the sun’s red rays cutting through the green leaves outside the building. 

Satisfied, she lets herself look around the space more. It was empty of any sign of the Ghoul, beside his jacket that had covered her. Letting out a huff she shoves her sweater into her overflowing pack. Before taking a swig of water as breakfast, pushing herself onto her feet. Jade draping the jacket over her arm to give back to the scar-covered asshole that was her companion. 

Slowly moving herself outside, joints still aching from the ordeal and endless walking. Jade figured that the Ghoul was probably outside sucking chem or checking the path for any activity. Rounding the corner of the shack she checks the narrow pathway, the outside is just as empty as the inside was, Jade looks around the whole building twice just to be sure. He isn't there. Looking left and right trying to see if he is off in the distance somewhere. Nothing. Her heart twists as if she has been stabbed. Mind reeling at the realization that she was alone, the Ghoul was gone. 

Jade is paralyzed with fear, heart trying to bang its way out of her chest. She’s paced up and down the walkway a dozen times now. Nothing. No signs of him, the ground too hard to leave tracks. The birds were too loud to hear footsteps. It all felt so wrong. The morning light is now bright enough to see everything around her.

“Okay Jade, got to pull yourself together,” She says to no one, “How far could he have gone?”

Pacing twice more Jade is torn as to which direction she should be heading. Go back to the crossroads and go south? Would he have gone back that way? She had no idea how far she was from anywhere. This was the furthest she'd ever traveled, it wasn't like she could pull a map out of thin air. The Ghoul had always known these things, he had probably walked these paths hundreds of times considering how old he was. 

A panicked voice in the back of her head screamed that she was being dumped on the side of the road. Jade forced herself to stop moving and really think. Had she been duped? Even after traveling together for two weeks, would he dump her on the side of the road?

“So do I go that way? Do I hole up here? Go back?” None of the ideas appealed to her, none of them made a lot of sense either. 

Why would he leave her here after everything they'd been through? He had ample opportunity to ditch her. The Ghoul could have left her for dead a dozen times, there was no good reason for him to disappear. 

Jade’s mind wandered to the bounty, she'd seen how upset he was last night. The way he'd pinned her and kissed her like he'd never get to again. Tears pricked at her eyes, she wiped at them angrily. Hoping that he hadn't left her out of some form of chivalry, trying to put her out of danger. Which sounded just like something that stupid asshole would do.

An eerily familiar call rang into the woods. Her whole body stiffened at the call, the missing digit on her left hand screaming like they were fresh. The woods silence had her hair standing on end, as gooseflesh rippled over. The creature. Another call, the ringing echoing in her ears. It was coming from southeast of where she stood. Looking ahead of her, Jade realized with a twisting stomach that she needed to head west. She could not risk running into it again, Jade needs to leave. Now. 

Jade stood unsure of what to do or where to go. Her whole body screaming at her to stay. Even though she knew she didn't have a choice. So she heads in the opposite direction of the sun and the scream. West. Their body protested as Jade started to move as fast as she could away from whatever it was. 

***

The Ghoul stood in the doorway staring at the empty space confused. Jade was gone, he’d searched the area, and called out her name several times. There were no signs of struggle, but that didn’t mean shit. She’d taken her stuff and took off, or worse someone had taken her. He kicked some rocks at the thought, feeling stupid that he’d left her here alone.

“Fuck.” The Ghoul breathes out, “No, she’d have fought back. Woulda put up a struggle.”

Rubbing his gloved hands over his face he sighs, realizing that she probably left when she woke up and heard that damn thing shrilling out its call. Or maybe she was just fed up with being turned down by him and took off. He grits his teeth, despite everything he knows, somewhere in the hollowness that is his body, Jade won’t have just left. Staying wouldn’t have been wise either, moving was the best choice. Jade was smart, he just now needed to catch up to her. 

***

The Ghoul had left hours before the sun had come up, after Jade had sat on top of his lap he hadn’t been able to sleep. He also refused to wake her just because he couldn’t shut his eyes for more than five minutes. So he had left, deciding to go back to the crossroad to see if his instincts were tingling in that direction; it had bothered him that Jade hadn’t sensed it when he did. She wasn’t a Ghoul, but she often felt the same things he did. Maybe it was medication, even if it had been a few days since she’d had any. 

As he stood there looking south, the sun starting to light up the endless sea of green, the Ghoul wasn’t feeling much of anything. He was about to turn and go back to tell Jade that he was wrong. When everything went silent. The long eerie call of the creature shook the earth underneath his feet, the distinct sound of trees parting ringing out along the sun's rays. He stayed long enough to try and see if it was close, when he saw nothing he’d turn and go back. Determined to keep putting a large space of distance between him and whatever that thing was. The Ghoul desperately needed to get him and Jade out of this forsaken place. 

***

Jade had started to cry, she wasn’t sure exactly when, but at some point walking along this dust-barren dirt road a damn had broken, She rubs at her eyes feeling ridiculous for the tears that fall. It wasn’t just because she’d left without the Ghoul, it was tears for everything that had happened over the last two years. She missed her Mom, her Dad, her Brahmin, she even missed the old drafty house. Swallowing she did her best not to make too much noise, the last thing she needed was to draw attention to herself. So they rolled down her face, into the dirt and grim from travel making her eyes sting. 

She felt stupid, but Jade couldn’t stay and she couldn’t go towards it either. Instead, she just had to walk away. Maybe she’d stumble across a town, do bar work, or maybe grow things. She rolls her eyes at the thoughts like she’d last a season growing anything. What Jade wanted was the Ghoul, to have him show up, and catch up. To keep being her companion, and teaching her how to bounty hunt.

Pushing her finger against the side of her nose she shot snot onto the ground, it was a gross habit but at least she could breathe now. She wiped at her eyes, pushing down the rest of the sorrow, nothing good would come from the tears. Adjusting her bag she kept moving, even if her footsteps frustrated her. They were loud and uncomfortable. Her mind wandered to the first few days with the Ghoul, and how grumpy he was about everything. How she was sure he’d have left her once they hit the town. Her heart ached at the thought, that crooked grin, the way his eyes shone first thing in the morning. Or during the night as the fire cracked, leaning against his warmth.

She clenched her fist against the straps of her bag. Cursing her own sappy nature feeling like she had made another bad choice in a string of bad choices. Jade’s head is too muddled to make sense of any of it. She kicks at some rocks watching them fly down the road. Listening to it clatter, the noise bouncing off the trees. Almost stopping when she thought she heard her name. Jade kicks another stone down the road, maybe a creature would jump out and eat’er least she won’t be alone anymore.

Jade

This time she did stop, feeling her pulse speed up. It couldn’t be, right? Turning she initially saw nothing, then far off through the filtered light of the trees she saw the unmistakable outline of the Ghoul. The unmistakable outline of that stupid hat and long jacket.

“Jade,” He hollered at her, Jade freezing in place as she heard her name for the third time.  Wondering if maybe this was all a messed-up dream.

He was moving quickly, stride nearly kicking up dirt as he moved towards her. Jade finally found her feet and started to move back towards him. Briefly, wondering if she should draw her weapon and shoot his ass. Not that it would do much, she’d witnessed his regeneration abilities firsthand. The shot would probably piss him off more than anything. Maybe she wanted to piss off, wanted him to snap a little, instead of being this unemotional mass of stone

He was in front of her before she had a chance to pull out a weapon. He stops a few feet away from her, chest heaving under the many layers of clothing. She could make out his eyes, the stupid hat in the way of his face as always. 

“Jade,” He said again, voice fused with warmth around her name as he moved forward, Jade’s body shaking as his arms caught her. Dragging her against his chest. “Fuck, why'd you run off on me.”

Jade pushed back tears burning her eyes, “Me? You’re the one that was gone this morning.”

The Ghoul’s eyes narrowed, “I went t'check on the southern path. To see if we could go thatta'way.”

“So you just left me in the shack? That thing started howling again.” Jade cusses out getting right up into his face. She was pissed, this whole ring around the rosy bullshit was getting old. 

“T'was in the middle of the night,” The Ghoul huffs back, not backing away from her advances. “You can’t see in the dark.”

“So you tell me you’re leaving!” Jade hollered back, not caring what came out of the woods, "You don’t just walk away, what was I s’pposed to do wait to get eaten?”

The Ghoul threw his hands up, “I don't know, maybe the dude who dragged you across a goddamn hallucination-inducing forest would come back for you?”

Jade folds her arms over her chest, still glaring back at him, “This isn’t the first time you ditched me.”

Letting out a breathe, looking away from her, the Ghoul's face tightened with anger at her dismissive, but true, words, "Fuckin christ Jade,” 

“I don’t know who the fuck Christ is, but I am not fuckin'im,” Jade was nearly vibrating with anger at this point. He could make up all the excuses he wanted to, but he had still left there alone.

The Ghoul’s head tipped back, a real laugh rolling out of his chest at her comment. Jade was taken aback by the laughter, her anger breaking at the genuine noise. 

“What the fuck you think is funny,” Jade tries to glare at him, but fails, a smile touching the corners of her lips. 

“That’d think Christ would fuck you, I hope some preacher is rollin; in his grave,” The Ghouls smiles, his shoulders relaxing, before he places a finger under her chin and looks right at her. “I am sorry.”

Jade is surprised by the words, looking at him, and feeling like he is being truthful to her. He was sorry, the pain flickering at the corner of his eyes as he watches her. She leans against the leather gloves, soft against her face, the feel softening her even further. 

“You’re right,” He whispers, “Should have woke you, told you I was going.”

“Promise me you will tell me next time,” Jade says equally as quiet, her hand touching against the wrist of his hand that was cupping her face.

He nods, “I promise. Also. Don’t leave me. Kay?”

Jade nods, before wrapping herself around him, not caring anymore that she was now sobbing into his chest. The last two weeks had tested every bit of her, and right now she needs to let it out. The Ghoul hesitated, for a moment, before holding her against him. His hand rubs at the back of her head. She is not sure how long they stay there, but the Ghoul’s shirt is soaking wet, and her face is covered in fluids.

The Ghoul pulls out a mostly clean rag and carefully cleans her face. His brows furrowed as he does so. She sniffles a little, feeling better now that it's out of her system. He tucks the rag away, Jade tries not to think about when the last time it was cleaned. 

He leans down cupping her face with his hands, before leaning down to kiss her, Jade is taken back but doesn’t pull away. If this was the way he said sorry she wasn’t going to complain. He broke away, leaning his forward against hers. 

“Thought I’d lost you,” He whispers against her, eyes closing before he moves away. 

Jade hates him a little for moving, but she lets it go, following behind him, never more happy to see that stupid coat billowing behind him. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Chapter Eleven

*likes, reblogs, and comments are greatly appreciated. It helps more people find me <3

@pixelatedprofilepic @hiddlebatchedloki @toogaytofunctiondangit @dionneroyal49 @dichromaniac

@whatsorceressisthis

[eldragon-x]

Since I wrote an analysis looking into Bill's view of and relationship with Ford a while ago, I thought I'd do the same with Bill and Mabel, especially since the other analysis is partially supported with points about those two.

Comparing these posts, while the one about Bill and Ford is like "I believe Ford is very important to Bill and here's why", this one's more the reverse, as in "it's confirmed that Bill is fond of Mabel and I'm gonna look at their interactions and relevant episodes through that lense"

Bringing up the points of confirmation first, "Dipper's and Mabel's Guide to Mystery and Nonstop Fun" has Bill bringing up that he likes Mabel

and in the DVD commentary for Sock Opera, Alex Hirsch says the following:

“Bill genuinely believes that Mabel’s kinda like him. He sees Mabel as a chaos agent. Like, Mabel has got a little bit of a seed of anarchy in her, she’s a little bit selfish, she likes to have fun at whatever cost. And Bill is all those things times a billion. So he thinks when he lays it all out for her like: ‘How about instead of being lame, you do something fun! And crush whoever you want in the process!’. He thinks that’s gonna go over. And he’s not wrong in seeing that side in Mabel but Mabel is a better person than Bill Cipher.”

Which are just really interesting to me, especially since the show doesn't make it very obvious that Bill has this view on Mabel. But it certainly does put their dynamic into a new perspective.

For instance, there's the scene in Sock Opera where Bill tries to convince Dipper to make a deal with him by "calling out" Mabel:

which I'm tempted to compare to the bit in Journal 3 where Ford mentions that Bill "warned" him that Fiddleford may not be dedicated to the portal project.

To be exact there's two ways I'd compare these interactions. For one, in both cases Bill is putting a wedge between two people via manipulation to further his own goals. Second, you could argue that Bill himself genuinely believes what he's saying here.

I mean, this is the episode with the commentary basically telling us that Bill believes Mabel to be as selfish as himself. The examples he gives Dipper of the so-called sacrifices he made for Mabel aren't even that strong? One is Dipper just rescuing Mabel, one is Dipper fixing a situation that he messed with in the first place and caused Mabel to loose something, and the one where he did make a sacrifice but just so Mabel can help a third party, rather than for her own personal interest.

But of course Bill would view these as sacrifices that Mabel would owe Dipper for. Bill wouldn't give anything up for someone else if he's not getting something out of it.

As for the Ford and Fiddleford situation, if you haven't read my other post my thoughts on Bill's views on Ford basically boil down to "Bill defenetly started out bullshitting Ford when he told him he was special and they were friends, but these feelings became genuine".

And while you can make a strong case that it hasn't gotten to that point until shortly after the betrayal, considering Bill was gloating when Ford confronted him, I still want to put the idea out there that Bill started to believe Ford was actually outstanding and Bill may be able to let him in on his full intentions eventually while Fiddleford had far less potential to go through with everything.

But anyway all this really goes back to Bill possibly genuinely thinking Mabel "owed" Dipper something (because helping someone and expecting something in return is something he would do) and using that to manipulate Dipper, and him also thinking Mabel was seizing the opportunity all those times without ever returning anything to Dipper and as a result starting to see himself in her because that is something he would do.

But the reality is that while every party has to put effort into a relationship, relationships aren't transactional and Mabel wouldn't leave Dipper in the dust when it comes down to it, which this episode builds up to.

Now, I do want to say here that Sock Opera is about addressing Mabel's selfishness and that she was in the wrong here, but do not take this as me hating her or anything. Mabel is a twelve and will make poor choices in her own interest sometimes. And the point of comparing her selfishness to Bill's is that she's willing to own up to it and clearly has her limits because she cares about other people whereas Bill doesn't own up to anything and has no concern about how his actions affect anyone else.

Also, assuming Bill did take a liking to Mabel at this point, I think it's intruiging to think about the above dialouge as Bill wanting to "help" Mabel. To convince her to ditch Dipper in favor of her own self-interest because it'll be freeing. Because Bill's own reckless, selfish choices have only made him feel less restricted and absolutely never ever caused him any regret at all.

Well anyway let's skip forwards to Weirdmageddon.

The build-up towards Weirdmageddon concerning Mabel comes with her gaining more and more reason to be afraid of the future and the struggles that she expects to come with it until everything just boils over and Bill manipulates her into handing him the rift by posing as Blendin and promising to let her have a bit more time in Gravity Falls. And, in a way, he keeps that promise.

Despite Mabel and Bill not at all interacting between the rift breaking and the climax of the finale, I think the whole Mabel Land situation is sooo interesting in terms of showcasing the ways Mabel and Bill are similar but yet so different.

Now, the section of the Axolotl poem I put just a bit above in this post carries some very intruiging implications with it. Like you're telling me Bill regrets burning his dimension yet frames it as a positive thing and even plans to do it again with another dimension? And despite his silly jokester demeanor he's actually unhappy?

Perhaps being afraid of acknowledging his mistake and growing past it and accepting that life will always come with difficulties?

being so very deep in denial about it and his own feelings about it?

and drowning all that out by reveling in the chaos of the Nightmare Realm and throwing parties even though none of that will really be fulfilling?

You can also probably say something about how both Mabel Land and the Nightmare Realm are pictured as literal bubbles.

and how Bill thought it was basically impossible to escape Mabel Land and was pretty confident in that to the point where he seemed to just stop paying attention to it and not notice it bursting despite it being placed in the most notable location in the town, near the Fearamid.

And to go back to "despite their similarities, Mabel and Bill are very different", part of the reason Mabel escapes her literal and metaphorical bubble and Bill doesn't is because she has a support system. Mabel has people who look out and care for her because she has looked out and cared for them.

Bill on the other hand? His relationship with the Henchmaniacs doesn't go much deeper than party buddies who are also his lackeys who are also his punching bags if he's upset.

And while he's shown to be willing to be vulnerable with Ford, he's still way too deep in his own denial to open up a wound that deep, on top of Ford having every reason in the world to want to have nothing to do with Bill. The man has tried to kill him several times and was entirely justified in that.

-

Moving on to a point that's more about Bill being fond of Mabel rather than similarities and that I also brought up about Ford, the fact that Bill spares their lives during Weirdmageddon.

Like, the Bipper note and Bill telling his henchmen they can go eat Dipper tells me he's very much down to kill anyone who's a threat to him. And once you take the Quantum Destabilizer out of the picture, the only apparent threat is the zodiac wheel. Meaning every member of the zodiac has a target on their back.

Note that the only zodiacs Bill has contact with during Weirdmageddon, prior to the climax, are Dipper, Ford, Mabel and Gideon.

Dipper, again, he attempted to get killed even before Weirdmageddon. Gideon temporarily served as his henchman as part of a deal and was possibly only kept alive afterwards for the sake of being punshed.

Mabel and Ford meanwhile? Got their lives spared for no apparent reason other than Bill simply wanted to.

I guess you can argue that the whole Mabel Land business was part of the deal with Gideon but I always assumed the deal was just for Bill to break him out and put him in a good place during the apocalypse, plus Gideon didn't seem to care much about Mabel's well-being at this point. Still, it does help Bill if he can hold Mabel in front of Gideon but I do like to think he also spared her just out of having grown a liking to her.

The more it strikes me then that the scene at the start of Weirdmageddon where Bill could've easily taken out Mabel but just snapped her unconscious instead,

seems to mirror the scene near the end of Weirdmageddon where he's about to snap out her life.

This and Bill seemingly being done with Ford at this point as well almost feels like Bill is dissapointed by the fact that Mabel and Ford both proved to be more different from him than he thought - Mabel by getting out of the manifestation of escapism and Ford by refusing to accept Bill's offer no matter what - and lashed out at them for it.

[thinkin-bout-milgram]

Triage: Initial Thoughts

Hello! Venus back at it again with the 4-5 AM theory time! This time we’re looking at Shidou’s second MV, Triage! 

I’m going to be going through my various thoughts on everything as usual, going point by point to analyze each thing. I’ll be referencing Triage, his first MV Throwdown, and the always-fast audio drama translation by @onigiriico​! 

Alright, let’s do this!

Shidou’s kids died immediately, but his wife had a chance to live.

I’m basically just going to give a quick play by play of what I think happened in the video.

Surprise, Shidou has kids! And a wife, but we figured that already. They’re all very cute and all until they fade out like ghosts pretty early on. Before that happens, though, I think that, chronologically, the opening sequence of Shidou walking with some groceries happens first.

He’s just going about his day, walking around, having a great time. He’s intending to take stuff back to his family and cook dinner or whatever he usually does that we see in the cute scenes.

Then, though, he gets a phone call. He answers it (this is the untranslated “Kirisaki desu” part; please let us know if you find a full translation of what he says on the call there!) and we move on to the next scene. However, later, at 1:57, we hear the line die. I think that this is probably Shidou getting a phone call from the hospital. He sounds casual in his initial response because he probably assumes it’s work related, but once he hears what happened, he drops the line and immediately heads over.

I think Shidou’s kids must have died immediately because of Throwdown. Throwdown has absolutely no references to his kids (though he does mention liking children and stuff like that in his first audio drama, which now kinda stings) and, were he also trying to save them, I’m sure there would’ve been at least some references. 

I think it’s far more likely that, whatever happened, both his kids died immediately, but his wife was in a condition where he could still try to save her. That’s when Throwdown occurs. Shidou probably focused intensely on trying to save his wife as a way to cope with the death of his children. Then, after his wife officially died, it really hit him that he had nothing left, and he was forced to process it. That’s when he started feeling all the guilt and wishing for death. 

This isn’t really relevant, but my best bet is a car crash. It seems like a likely and viable way that his kids could’ve died instantly while the wife could’ve kept living. As a minor note on that, he’s also walking back with groceries, which could indicate that someone else (the rest of his family) might’ve had a car. I don’t remember if Shidou mentions anything about driving or anything like that at any time, but if I had to call a method of death right now, that’s what I’d go for.

NOTE: I do want to disclaim this by saying it’s also possible that one of his kids was the flower person in Throwdown. He gives a receipt to one of his kids, so that could make some sense. I need to go back and compare the flower person in Throwdown with the people in Shidou’s family now that they have appearances. I also need to reread his first audio drama; he says something about it being fitting that Es is judging him, which could check out if his crime relates to trying to save his kid instead. If I am wrong and it was one of his kids that he was trying to save, then everything about what I’m saying still checks out; just swap everything I say about his wife with one of the kids.

Shidou purposefully showed us the least forgivable parts of his crime in Throwdown.

Looking back on it, Shidou painted himself in an awful light in Throwdown, and I’m sure it was intentional. After all, he was trying to get us to give him a guilty verdict. If you say that a prisoner like Muu might have been altering what part of her story we received in order to get her desired verdict in the first round (innocent), Shidou could absolutely do the same thing with a guilty verdict.

He doesn’t show us any of the context of his loved ones and how much he loved them; that was all stuff we had to read between the lines of. We see him butchering plant after plant only to end in horrific failure without ever seeing him succeed at anything surgical. (He still should’ve hypothetically been saving lives while doing all of this; it’s not like he was ONLY killing people.) 

He even shows us the horrified reactions of the loved ones of patients he killed. I can only imagine that he would do that if he was trying to spark a negative reaction in us.

In contrast, this MV is very straightforwardly showing how the day he lost his family went for Shidou and directly examines what verdict Shidou wants (more on this later). I think, therefore, that this is probably a much more honest view of the situation than Throwdown, at least in terms of how Shidou perceives the truth. 

Shidou is constantly plagued by the guilt of what happened.

The simplest way to explain this is with this image: 

When showing Shidou’s family turning to ghosts, he views the man that he used to be as dying with them. Shidou, as he was, is dead. Still, what happened clearly still impacts him. That’s pretty obvious, but I’m talking down to the details. He mentions kids and liking them in both of his audio dramas. Further, take this lovely image: 

Pancakes. Shidou made pancakes for his kids. In BOTH Minigrams 3 (Pancake) and 24 (Pancake: a Second Trial) Shidou is directly shown talking about pancakes and their relation to children. He really wants Amane, the young child, to try some. It seems like he used to make pancakes for his kids before they died. He’s very clearly not recovered in any sense. That’s not surprising, but it’s still something to point out.

Triage takes place almost entirely before and after Throwdown.

That sounds a little confusing, but all I mean is that Throwdown is completely isolated from this MV. Some parts of this MV happen before the events of Throwdown; those are the ones featuring Shidou’s wife and kids, as well as the ones where he simply looks younger. The other parts are clearly looking back at the same time frame, but are from Shidou’s present perspective, here in Milgram. Those are the ones where he reflects on his verdict or directly addresses what verdict he wants.

Most directly, I think the part at 2:14 indicates this. Shidou, looking back on the death he caused (knives in the pomegranates and other food, dead flowers, receipts from the surgeries that we also saw in Throwdown), says “I want to be INNOCENT / I want to live.” That’s him, in the Milgram prison, right now, coming to terms with the fact that he actually, genuinely wants to live right now.

In the audio drama, he’s clearly conflicted. He still says that he wants to die, that he wants to atone for his sins and that dying is the only way he can make it up to the people he killed. He also, though, says that, at least for right now, he wants to live. Futa and especially Mahiru are on death’s door, and there’s no telling what other injury might occur. He believes he’s essential to saving lives within the Milgram prison (and I think he’s 100% right).

He even directly references this in the song lyrics, talking about “extracting the fang.” The fang is clearly Kotoko, given that Milgram has referred to the damage Kotoko does with fang imagery before and given that that’s what he’s currently healing. He has to be the one to save them because he’s the only one who can; as a result, to save lives, he has to care about his life right now. While he’s still unsure of what final verdict he wants, he knows that he needs to stay alive, at least going into trial 3.

VOTE: INNOCENT

Personally, this one’s a no-brainer. Es theorizes in the audio drama that Shidou only harvested organs from braindead patients, and though he never outright confirms it, based on his responses, it seems to me like that’s true. That means his crime isn’t as severe as we initially thought it was.

Additionally, he’s right; he is indispensable to us right now. He outright says in the audio drama that if he stops giving Mahiru care, she’ll die, whether or not anything else happens to her. That basically tells us that voting Shidou guilty means Mahiru dies. That’s not good, and I’d rather avoid prisoner death when we think it’s possible.

I also just don’t think it’s smart to change verdicts on him here. If we decide that, after all is said and done, we can’t forgive Shidou, we should do that with the third verdict. Here, we want to leave both options open. Right now, Shidou is torn between wanting to live and wanting to die. If we switch to guilty, we’ll ruin any chance he has at recovering a will to live and a will to atone through any means other than death. If we want to preserve the option of forgiving him in the end, I think we have to forgive him here. We can debate whether his actions were forgivable or not in the last round.

[clotpolesonly]

i haven't seen anyone else talking about this so i guess i have to do it. i was gonna make a gifset (or 2, or 5) but i'm out of storage on my laptop and photoshop keeps crashing, sooooo a meta post it is!!

tvTRC is paralleling Helen Gansey and Kavinsky

now, there are a plethora of critiques to be made about the handling of Helen Gansey in this adaptation, first and foremost being the fact that she's pretty much unrecognizable compared to her book counterpart.

(also on the list: the buckwild stupid decision to turn aglionby co-ed, as if it being an all-boys school wasn't relevant to any of the gender politics already present in the books; aging her down JUST so that Blue had a girl character to interact with that she wasn't related to instead of expanding the female cast; the Ganseys being latinx + Helen's promiscuity meaning that she now falls into the hypersexualized spicy latina stereotype.)

BUT i'm going to set all that aside for now and focus on specifically tvTRC's Helen as, essentially, a new character within her context. and what's being done with her is actually pretty interesting.

so first we need to talk about Helen/Blue.

as WILD as it is for the show to have swerved away from Blue having kept to herself and not engaged romantically or sexually with anyone for fear of, ya know, killing them with her true love curse, it was an even wilder choice for them to choose Helen Gansey for Blue's only pre-canon entanglement. both just because that's her endgame love interest's SISTER, and also because she's a woman.

one of Blue's most prominent arcs in this season is about her recognizing and coming to terms with her bisexuality. so for her to have already had sex with a woman pre-canon introduces a whooooole host of repression and denial in Blue that she apparently only begins to process in herself when she starts playing voyeur to Adam on his bisexual identity crisis arc through her and Gansey.

i'm circling back around to Kavinsky, i promise.

let me draw your attention to a bit of dialogue that i'm SHOCKED i haven't seen talked about more because it's actually so huge:

Helen: "Hey, Queenie." Blue: "Helen! I didn't expect you to be here." Helen: "Well, here I am. Do I get a kiss hello? For old time's sake?" Blue: "I thought you weren't coming to these parties anymore. You said you were going to stop." Helen: "I said I couldn't be seen at parties anymore." Blue: "I'm seeing you." Helen: "Thought that didn't count." Blue: "You're drunk."

most people seem to have interpreted this as just flirtation, not something to take seriously, but Blue does not correct Helen! several times in conversation with others, we see Blue set the record straight, she's consistently very firm on not letting people get away with accusing her of shit she didn't do, even in jest. if Helen was exaggerating, Blue would have said so, but instead she skirts past this without any acknowledgement at all. imo that's as good as confirmation that Blue and Helen did kiss during their pre-canon tryst(s), and with no indication of other relationships i am left to assume that this was likely Blue's first kiss.

Blue, who is cursed to kill her true love with a kiss, chose to take the risk of kissing someone anyway, and that someone was a girl. a girl who, according to Helen, didn't count.

considering it takes nearly 8 episodes for Blue to come to terms with her sexuality and acknowledge, both to Adam and to herself, that she is bisexual, what this amounts to is a scenario in which Blue, closeted and repressed, convinced herself that Helen was a safe person to experiment with because, as a ""straight"" girl, Blue did not have to worry about falling in love with her.

as many closeted queer kids do, Blue found a way to rationalize away her attraction to Helen and convince herself that it "didn't count" and she was only doing it for XYZ reason and it didn't mean anything. she just wanted to kiss someone because she couldn't kiss who she REALLY wanted to kiss (boys, obviously) and Helen was conveniently there and willing to be experimented with, no strings attached.

only, in this exchange and in others in later episodes, we kinda get the feeling that there were some strings attached for Helen. there's an undeniable bitterness to the delivery of "thought that didn't count" and she's clearly stung when Blue deflects and points out her intoxication.

for Blue, their relationship may have been a pure friends-with-benefits kind of thing, but Helen is clearly more invested. her eyes are always on Blue, she's leaning in towards her, she spends half the party alternately flirting with Blue and being uncharacteristically snide. she likes Blue, and Blue, for all intents and purposes, used her and then dropped her to go back to playing at being straight.

do you see where i'm going with this now? do you see the parallel??

what other character do we know that 1) is openly queer, 2) has a persistent crush on a closeted main character, 3) develops some kind of homoerotic relationship with that character, and 4) is then spurned by that character who refuses to admit that they're queer?

Joseph motherfucking Kavinsky

Ronan and Kavinsky don't outright sleep together in the literal sense, but the show is JUST as obvious as the books are in the whole This Activity Is Gay Sex Without Being Gay Sex department, if not more so.

Kavinsky pursues Ronan, openly flirts with him (he also asks Ronan for a kiss hello, ep 5, and is ignored instead of denied), is both jealous of and spiteful about Ronan's relationships with Gansey and Adam, and is genuinely upset when Ronan finally outright rejects him and elects to go back to being Gansey's "friend".

Ronan, like Blue does with Helen, uses Kavinsky to explore a part of himself that he's not ready to fully acknowledge or accept. and both of them do this without any real regard for the feelings of the person they're fucking around with. Ronan is more of a shithead about it, which makes sense because Kavinsky is so much more abrasive and their entire relationship is a toxic clusterfuck in both directions, whereas Blue and Helen maintain at least a loose friendship in the aftermath of their encounter

but it's clear that Blue and Ronan have both been callous and selfish, and it's Helen and Kavinsky who end up with their hearts (such as they are) broken. this much of their story is a very close mirror and we see it in the visual framing too! (hence the gifsets i was gonna make, come on photoshop, work with me here adklfjgh)

the primary color palette used for Kavinsky's scenes is a rather lurid neon purple and green, and Helen's dorm room is done up in lilac and sage (same colors, just different saturation). Helen is the only character besides Kavinsky or his cronies to be seen on screen with drug paraphernalia (Gansey never finds out about her casual use, i hope there's an arc about it and the respective ways they're cracking under the pressure in season 2 😭 Blue and Ronan both know, though). there are multiple dialogue parallels like the asking for a kiss bit ^^ and we even get perfectly paralleled shots of Helen/Blue and Kavinsky/Ronan in the same episode!!!

this is so clearly a deliberate choice, they put WORK into setting up these shots so they would hit just the same!! they put Helen in fucking sunglasses (raybans, of course), like K is always wearing, to symbolize that she's hiding something!!! cinnamon topography, lemme tell you

anyway, there's another thing that i want to address, cuz Helen and Kavinsky's similarities aren't actually confined to their queer relationships, and this is something that i reeeaaally find interesting.

we didn't get much of anything about Helen's actual personality in the books aside from her being a good big sister to Gansey, which i loved don't get me wrong, but it's really great to get to examine the other ways in which the pressure of being A Gansey™ presents itself. we get plenty about how much Gansey-boy struggles with being constantly on display as an object within the panopticon that is the political landscape and the social scene of the wealthy elite. there's sooooo much pressure that comes with upholding the family's good name and image.

in Gansey, this stress manifests in epic levels of repression, dissociative episodes, panic attacks, and The Ever-Growing Hole Inside Him. he is, as we know from the books but hasn't quiiiite been really delved into yet on screen (it will come, i'm sure, it gets more obvious as the books go on), passively suicidal as well. he does not take the kind of precautions he should in his situation and is content (for a given value) to let himself simply die if that's how the chips fall. he's not gonna stop them. in most areas, he comes across reasonable and deliberate in his actions, but when it comes to his own life, he is shockingly cavalier and careless.

and then we have Helen. as the eldest Gansey child, she faces just as much pressure as Gansey if not more so (there's something to be unpacked in the gender politics of this royalty-coded family, but that's for another post), and we see her cope in a number of unhealthy ways (ways that Gansey himself is not privy to). on the surface, like her brother, she is always prepared to put forth a pretty polished sophisticated facade, because that is what's expected and required of her. she needs to be Presentable™ and anything that isn't gets kicked under the rug where the neighbors and the paps can't see it. but she's also a party girl, she has a substance abuse problem, she is implied to have a lot of sex with a lot of people, and she struggles to form healthy relationships.

there's another bit of dialogue that's relevant here and ties us back into the Kavinsky parallel:

Gansey: "You can't play with Adam's feelings like this, Helen, and not just because he's my friend. Because it's a shitty thing to do to someone. This isn't a game." Helen: "Life is a game, little brother. Just because you haven't learned how to play it yet doesn't make it any less true."

they were brought up in a deeply performative society full of backstabbing and politics, where relationships of all kinds were used primarily for social climbing and clout. add on top of that the pressure to stay pretty for the cameras, which translated to a very low tolerance for messy emotions or displays of vulnerability (see: Gansey removing himself from the fucking country because his post traumatic episodes were embarrassing for the family), and Helen has adopted a very removed and nihilistic worldview.

Gansey, popular as he is, isn't exactly a social butterfly -- he's always kept mostly to himself -- but Helen tried to make friends as a kid, she talks about it some in ep 3. none of the relationships in her life have lasted so she's stopped trying to form new ones.

life is a game. nothing and no one truly matters. you don't have to feel that way, you don't have to let anything hurt you, and you don't have to risk investing in other people when they're only going to turn on you in the end.

compare this to Kavinsky's last words:

Ronan: "Get down! Damn it, K, get down!" Kavinsky: "The world's a nightmare, baby. All the world's a nightmare."

Kavinsky too has retreated from viewing the world as something he can participate in genuinely. he's got the same kind of nihilism underpinning his whole tough guy act, and it stems from a similar place of damage. we see from his fixation on Ronan that he does crave a real connection, but he can't bring himself to be vulnerable enough to actually make it. all he knows how to do is posture and manipulate from a distance while he keeps his walls up to protect himself from being hurt any further.

to Kavinsky, everything is a dream and reality is what he makes it. to Helen, everything is a game and she can win if she plays her hand right. the only thing that matters is being in control because that is how they feel powerful and being powerful is how they feel safe.

the only difference is that Kavinsky takes this a step further by imposing his control on other people, which is a line Helen never crosses. we can attribute this to Helen having some genuine connections in her life. Kavinsky's life really is a nightmare lol, he was truly alone and on his own from a very early age, while Helen has a family that, while deeply flawed, loves and does its dysfunctional best to support her when it can.

my last discussion point here is circling back to the suicidality. the nightmare quote from Kavinsky ^^ is from his very last scene. it's the last thing he says before he allows his own night horror to kill him. in the wake of Ronan's rejection, with that last chance for connection denied and having no other reason to live, he commits suicide.

now, obviously, Helen does not do this. she lives on to grace our screens for season 2! but there's a moment in the final episode between her and Blue that needs addressing. it's the scene after Blue acknowledges out loud, both to Adam and to herself, that she is bisexual. she's spent the whole season wrestling with her identity and coming to terms with what it means to her and she's finally come to a place where she can say it and mean it and know it's true.

and then she sees Helen again. Helen, whom Blue kissed under the false repression-fueled assumption that she could not fall in love with because she was straight and not attracted to women. it was supposed to be safe in its impossibility. it was supposed to mean nothing.

but Blue is attracted to women. she is not straight and she could have loved Helen. there was nothing safe about this, and we get to really see on Blue's face that she's processing the gamble she took with Helen's life (i'm not blaming Blue for not realizing she was queer sooner, for the record, just acknowledging the guilt that Blue canonically feels in this rather unique circumstance of hers).

we see Helen process it too, but Helen doesn't react in the way that Blue (or the audience, probably) expects her to. she's not upset or retroactively scared or angry at the risk Blue took with her. instead we get this:

Helen: "So it was me, then?" Blue: "What do you mean?" Helen: "You said kissing would kill your true love, and here I am, alive and all. You thought it was because I'm a girl. But it's not. You just...didn't love me." Blue: "Helen." Helen: "It's okay. I didn't really expect you to. That's not what we were. [Pause.] Was there ever a chance?" Blue: "A chance for what?" Helen: "That it might take me out. [Laughs.]" Blue: "I'm really glad it didn't."

Helen asks this question jokingly, like it's no big deal, like it's something funny and a little scandalous. but it's not funny and Blue doesn't laugh. the audience isn't invited to laugh. this is a lonely girl with a lot of damage joking about her own death, wondering if it might have been worth it if it meant that Blue could've loved her.

we really need to give props to the actress because she infused the questions with so much fragile hope and vulnerability with just an edge of defensive posturing to cover it up. on some level, Helen wants Blue to tell her that she might've died. there's romance in that idea, of dying for love, of being loved to death. when she asks if Blue has found her real love, there's jealousy in it.

(i'm not prepared for when she finds out it's her little brother. it's gonna break me, i can already tell.)

but it's such an interesting juxtaposition with Kavinsky's end to the season. Kavinsky welcomed death because there was no love for him, and we have Helen almost longing for death if it could mean that there was love for her. instead, she has to keep living. she makes the choice that Kavinsky doesn't, to move on from rejection and look somewhere else in hopes of finding something more to live for. her apologizing to Adam is a step off the path to destruction, an acknowledgement that life is not, in fact, a game and that she can't win anything until she opens the door to all those messy unpleasant feelings again and begins to really heal.

i don't think it's any coincidence that the last shot we get of Helen is of her removing her purple nail polish and repainting her nails yellow -- the color most strongly associated with Gansey, her brother, the strongest and most genuine relationship that she has in the show.

Kavinsky had no one, but Helen at least has him. and in the end, that makes all the difference in the world.

thanks for coming to my ted talk.

[lornaka]

Thoughts on TBB s2 finale

Spoilers under the cut. Most of this is a compilation of thoughts I’ve previously expressed on twitter and discord so nothing new to some of you perhaps! Disclaimer: I still love the show with my whole heart and greatly respect the hard work of everyone who worked on it, so please don’t hate on the show in replies and comments to this post. Either keep it to relevant constructive criticism of the narrative and thoughtful analysis/discussion, or make your own posts, thanks

Idk I was just left.. hollow after s2 finale of tbb, like, there were no upsides/positive stimulating moments? It didn't leave me with an excited feeling for what's to come, more like "this is very bleak and miserable, I want s3 purely in the hope of it getting better somehow". I really was expecting some sort of catharsis from tbb s2 finale but got the complete opposite. It's a tell that something didn't work for me when I got no inspiration to draw anything tbh. S1 finale was confusing and not all that happy too but it left.. idk, something to be hopeful about, something affirming to it, amidst all destruction and separation.  I wonder what s3 will look like with this sort of a cliffhanger. Unless they somehow resolve it in the first few episodes of the next season, the whole format would have to be changed, no more one-off adventures between the main plot heavy episodes etc. Regarding Hunter and his complete lack of emotionality and motivation outside of his relationship with Omega, at this point I seriously can’t tell if the writers are purposefully writing Hunter in a way that makes him come off as, well, failing as a brother and a leader. All I know is that after each finale, s1 and s2, I’m left with a desire for him to own up to his mistakes to grow. I love Hunter a lot and I enjoy flawed characters with good hearts. But when they mess up, I want the narrative to frame it such, and for them to grow from there. Otherwise it’s just inconsistent writing. At this moment, I feel like Hunter needs a “redemption” arc as much as Crosshair, as far as family drama and letting each other down goes. This is why I was so happy when it seemed like they’d finally go to rescue Crosshair specifically (welp.) They needed to do that imo, Hunter most of all, he needs to own up to leaving his brother behind once and for all and actually *do* smth about it. Was it understandable when they had to flee and couldn’t come back for Cross before they knew about the chips and arguably after? Absolutely. Doesn’t change the fact that Cross was left behind and got hurt, doesn’t make it better. So even if Hunter’s decision is justified, his lack of regret over his brother getting hurt in the process is not. I can see him repressing it all bc that’s Hunter, he is the king of repressing his emotions for the sake of moving forward, but his issues do not excuse him, and I want him to gain awareness and grow past these issues.  And speaking of Crosshair. It’s so weird, structurally if nothing else, how the previous few episodes built up all these emotional stakes over Crosshair, specifically his withstanding intense torture from Hemlock meant to break him just to protect his siblings, only for the finale to completely drop the ball on it. Tech sacrifices himself on a mission he specifically urged Hunter to go on because “Crosshair is still our brother” and then Hunter is like “yeah let’s not waste Tech’s sacrifice and forget all about Crosshair, okay?”. It made no freaking sense.  S1 finale left me confused & unsatisfied with the way characters reactions didn’t fit some of their previously stablished experiences and narrative arcs. S2 put things in perspective for me somewhat, so my best hope is that s3 does the same to resolve my confusion over s2 finale.  When it comes down to basic story break down, the core theme of TBB gotta be either about a family coming together, or it is about a family separating, one way or another. Until s2 finale I was convinced it was about coming together but now.. “We don’t leave our own behind” seemed like a clear set up for the coming together theme. Now it feels almost like a misdirection, an ironic twist to subvert our expectations or mb to explore how old convictions/priorities of these characters crashed against new realities of life.  And now that they’ll never truly be able to be a whole family again (allegedly), my hope for the main theme to circle back to a family coming together in a satisfying way has been critically diminished tbh. I think it could still work with someone dying, but def not like this. Even if everyone else survives and sticks together and Cross comes back, he’ll never have closure over Tech’s absence, for example. There will be no satisfaction for us as the audience in his brother’s sacrifice on a mission to save him, no pay-off. Then what is the point?  A character death is a very powerful tool within the story, so when it happens, it needs to be done extremely right to hit the right emotional chords and not just cause frustration. What frustrates me, personally, is not the factual death of a character in the canon version of the events, but when the presentation and use of it makes no sense to me in the story but the writers are trying to sell it to me as if it should. Then I feel like I’m being emotionally manipulated and nothing makes me feel more betrayed tbh. I can come up with an infinite number of explanations for Tech’s survival. It’s incredibly easy to suspend my disbelief and just say “somehow he survived”. But if the creators themselves actively try to beat me over the head with their insistence that no, it happened and I should be sad over it, nope. That’s telling, not showing. If you want me to feel strong emotion, make me, don’t tell me that I’m supposed to be sad over a character dying just because you decided to kill them to make me sad. As for Tech’s status, the whole Schrodinger Tech situation is exactly the same as Cross’s chip in s1 finale. Everything in the narrative (Hemlock bringing his goggles is sus as hell, 100% reads as hints at him recovering Tech and then lying to Hunter to manipulate him) points to it being one way (Cross’s chip still affecting him, Tech surviving) but knowing the writers, my gut tells me it’s exactly what they say on the surface with their words and he’s gone. I hope I’m wrong because the way this death was handled is meaningless and closes so many possibilities, like I mentioned above with the family coming together in a satisfying way etc. It just doesn’t work for the story beyond cheap emotional shock value imo.  So here we are. I decided to chill until s3 and hope things will make sense as the story progresses and the intentions of the writers become clear. Right now they sure as hell aren’t. 

[dalennaugw]

Really appreciate my partner being willing to listen to me while I vented things out about the recent drama here and then provide his own perspective, as a Latino (he's expressed he doesn't like POC as a term - too monolithic) looking in from the outside. Among other things, it reassured me that 1) it indeed wasn't worth getting into the weeds of it from where I've been standing, and 2) I'm nonetheless not being crazy or unreasonable for feeling what I do about this mess and the effect it's having on what should be safe spaces for all of us.

I'm gonna put some of those thoughts under a cut. And I'm considering turning off reactions for this post because while I hope it gets seen, I don't want to restart the discourse if it's dying down like I think (hope?) it is here.

At the end of the day, no one should be alienated for thoughtless mistakes (let alone personal preferences). But, those mistakes still need to be corrected, not just forgotten in the process of defending the one making them against harrassment.

And, by the same token, no one else should be alienated, either, for expressing that someone's stupid mistake is still hurtful. Nor should they be if they point out a lopsided amount of support to the other party involved, despite BOTH having been made to feel unsafe. This applies ESPECIALLY when all the facts of the situation aren't clear or present to everyone.

One person being threatened, and then feeling alienated enough to try to leave, has led to multiple other people then getting harassed, put down, dismissed, and/or alienated enough to also start leaving WHO HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE THREATS MADE AGAINST THE FIRST PERSON. And this is at least partially because all the relevant details surrounding the issue weren't put out at the same time, nor in the same places, and many people not even involved kept piping up in reaction only to what they DID see, rather than looking further into it, or even just waiting and listening first.

And to be just a little less abstract - guys - and by that, I mean to primarily address the other white people for this part - there's something to be said about white fragility here. Even without having spoken with the girl who accidentally kickstarted all of this, even though I can't confirm or deny it's actually the case, I'm still willing to bet money that that fragility had something to do with her initial reactions here being as strong as they were. I'm also willing to bet money that some of the people quickly jumping to her defense might have been feeling it, too.

When you take the anxiety already present from her prior harrassment, add in the pushback she got at the march for her mistake, and add whatever ??? negative messages she might have gotten privately during and after, if she did, that's already a bomb you've got there... and with white fragility on top of that, that magnifies the reaction by a lot.

The thing about that fragility is that it's often bad enough, and results in a strong-enough reaction, that it shuts down any and all conversation related to whatever triggered it. It's that cognitive dissonance that happens when you unwittingly do or say something racist, realize or (more commonly) get called out for it, and can't reconcile those facts with your beliefs that racism is not something good people do and that you can't be a racist, that's not what you're about - and it can lead to shutting down, tears, rage, denial, etc. And if you're engaging in any of those responses, 1) you're already stopping a needed conversation from happening, 2) you're making the other people involved feel unsafe and unimportant to you, and 3) you're encouraging others to come in to defend you and close ranks, allowing you to lick your emotional wounds while making those first two effects even worse.

It's not necessarily intentionally malicious? Given her behavior later, especially her apology... and her apparent disappearance right afterward... I don't think it was intentional on her part. It can certainly be weaponized, but it's also often a subconscious reaction (and that makes it even harder to address). But even though it wasn't intentional - it still caused a lot of damage! You can see that just from looking back through all the discourse and at how many other people are now disappearing or going on hiatus.

Again, not having talked to her personally, I can't confirm if that was also a factor. But it wouldn't surprise me at all. And none of us white folks are immune to it. None of us. If you had a strong reaction to the mention of racism in this discourse, and/or if you had one at the idea of your friend engaging in it... it was affecting you, too.

To step back from that part now.

Look.

Making sure that everyone involved in a community (or watching it) feels safe and welcome and heard is a balancing act, especially when anyone slips up. And guys, we borked that act up big-time.