Maverick is small and has large eyes like a girl, Jack thinks, but then it's been a while since he's seen a girl really, so maybe he's grasping at straws. He thinks about girls, tries to imagine soft hair and thin waists without just looking across the room. He closes his eyes in the shower and thinks only about lithe frames, shorter than him, looking up -- not Spanish, not low-voiced and creeping away, no, no, and then he has to hold his face under the water until he's not thinking of anything at all. It's not gay, not like this. It's like prison, which is almost a comfort, except that he knows their proximity is optional. He keeps on choosing Maverick. Jack continues to believe the story anyway; that he's got a couple wires crossed in his brain and is treating his roommate-turned-awkwardly-intimate-guy-friend like some kind of... like a girl.
Like, he doesn't think about it anymore, when they're sitting on the narrow couch of the motorhome, and someone's arm is around someone else's shoulder. They don't even need to be talking about anything, but when they are, it moves quickly from oh good race to and that's why I'm worried I'll never be enough in a way that reminds Jack how alone he is, was, how much he needs connection. He tells Maverick about the years in CEV, living in a trailer, lost in a whirlwind of speed, countries and names flickering by too fast to count. He tells Maverick about living in Spain even though Maverick knows what that's like, has lived there his whole life. He thinks maybe they could have been friends, if they grew up together. If they spoke each others' languages.
They're staring at the ceiling with the lights out. This is normal now, Jack thinks, both of them stretched out on the twin couches that line the minuscule living room of the motorhome. They won't sneak back to their bedrooms til midnight, and 11:30 is blinking on the analog clock on the counter when Maverick asks, "What are you thinking about, you know, after?"
"After?"
"For Moto3, will you stay, or...?"
Jack looks at Maverick. His pale skin looks blue in the dark, not fluorescent, but the greyish blue of a rough sea. Jack thinks that he hasn't seen the sea for a long while.
"No, I won't," is what Jack settles on. He's trying not to sit up, start moving his hands. "I want to move up. I thought -- I mean, KTM is so good, so I'd work with them in Moto2, and Aki said it was a good idea, but," he drags off there, unintentionally.
"But what?"
"Well you know I said I talked to VDS, and they said I'd be a good fit, they believe in me. In MotoGP."
"In MotoGP," Maverick repeats, and it sounds small, the way he says it. His voice is like that, too gentle for the rest of him.
"Yeah,"
"With me?"
"Yeah,"
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i really get this feeling you’re in - i’m in a similar place with my name, i’ve changed it with the people i trust but now it’s showing up in ways others will see and i didn’t really want to have that conversation with my mom, my boss, etc. so idk what to do it’s feeling scary and also i don’t want to keep using my old name so maybe i have to just do the scary thing uuuuugh good luck to you im proud of you i know you can do it. also, sounds hot. t is so hot. love you ok bye - ☀️
i know it's scary that's part of it UGH ok anon we are holding hands!!!! it is such a weird mix of like... I like my new voice!! I like listening to recordings of my voice (for the first time ever!), I like singing hozier songs in their original register (something i have always wanted to do!), I DO think I sound Hot (WHOAH!), but the whole social component of it all is scary and stressful.
i know it's scary that's part of it, everything you have ever wanted is on the other side of fear. etc.
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Letters to MBTI: ENTP
Dear ENTPs,
Man, oh, man, if I could choose to be another type, you better believe it would be you guys! It's not much of a stretch with me being an INTP, but still, your Ne-Ti combo packs quite the punch that I've always admired.
So quick to think on your feet, you come up with novel ideas like you just happened to find them in your back pocket like a lost dollar, or something. Not to mention that they aren't just nonsense ideas, most of the time, they work and make so much sense right off the bat. Sure, they might need a little tweaking to optimize them, but for flying by the seat of your pants 24/7, your unique ideas/solutions to problems never cease to amaze me with how functional they are, even in their infancy.
Not to mention that when you find your confidence, you really wear your thoughts and ideas on your sleeve for the world to see, and you're so unbothered by criticisms. If they're valid criticisms, you'll acknowledge and address them, but you don't take it personally or let it get you down, and it's such an admirable trait of yours! You can be so good at being unequivocally yourself, even if you tend to go against the grain. Sometimes especially if you go against the grain.
You're one of my favorite types to joke with, since you're almost always down the play. Anything random or zany I can think of, you can match my energy instantly and the synergy of our combined humor always leaves me feeling more uplifted than I was before.
Your tertiary Fe makes an appearance every now and then when you find little ways to show that you pay attention to your friends' wants/needs. You are considerate and care about other people more than everyone else thinks you do, partially because your reputation of being a jokester sometimes precedes you, and also partially because you seem just a little reluctant to let that side of you show too much.
I've seen you do or say something very thoughtful and sweet, but play it off as not a big deal, or like you didn't really even mean it to be emotional or mushy, and try to move on from it quickly until its forgotten by everyone. I'm not sure if it's because you're embarrassed, uncomfortable with deep feelings, or you genuinely don't recognize the emotional depth you possess, or all of that and more, but let me say this:
Your hidden sensitivity and discretion for others is a welcome facet of your personality. It balances out your witty, untouchable persona that you can sometimes assume because it shows that ultimately, underneath the jokes, the brain-storming/think-tanking, the never-ending debating and problem-solving, you do it all with a kind heart and good intentions for all the people around you.
Personally, I wouldn't mind seeing more of that side of you, but I also realize that it's not your preferred way of interacting with the world around you. If it was, then you wouldn't be an ENTP, would you?
I'd give you advice like "clean your room", or "finish the project you're working on before moving on to the next one", but I don't really think that's necessary. Your mind covers so much ground from day-to-day, that I'm sure you've already considered that stuff. You might have concluded that you could do those things, but you don't need to because you're already functioning well enough with your own methods to your madness. And you'd probably be right! I mean, hey, I'm an INTP, I can relate, you're preaching to the choir. Why fix something that isn't broken, right?
Well, from one xNTP to another, nothing might be broken, but maybe what we really need is the push to acknowledge that while we are doing fine the way we are... we haven't completely reached our maximum potential either, have we? Coming up with new ideas, and switching gears at a moments notice to solve the problems and fit the needs of the current situation is such a gift, but I think we both know that it can be a curse, too. We both can make waves, for sure, but I think we could both learn to move mountains if we made more conscious efforts to finish the things we start and not get bored of them halfway through, or get distracted by a fun, new idea.
You'll never stop thinking of new ideas! Especially in the middle of working on your current project. Write down the new idea so you don't forget it (in as much detail as you need!), then go right back to working on your current project. The new idea will still be there when you're done. You just wrote it down, after all!
Sometimes you might not get the chance to write it down, and you end up losing the new idea forever and you never remember it. And that's a bummer! But even if that does happen, who cares? You're already well underway making progress on your current awesome idea and that needs your attention now more than anything else. And also, you'll think of even more new ideas later that might just be even better than the idea you forgot about. So why waste time fretting about getting started on that next thing before it's too late? We all know you'll come up with something even better later on, anyway. :)
With love, understanding, and appreciation,
Your kindred spirit, INTP.
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