#let her be messy and awful and flawed and terrible with them

[quillkiller]

petition to remove lily from the marauders friend group and let the slytherin skittles have her instead…………………

[bigdsgirl]

Love Next Door, Episode 14 thoughts

It's sunday, I have thoughts on this damn show

NO I DONT WANNA RE LIVE THIS! AND SHE IS ALL HE THINKS ABOUT?? I will combust.

a CONTEST????? WHAT???

i think Seok-ryu should work at this guy's restaurant or help at her dads!

the faith he has in her to win! i love that about each other, they are each others biggest champions!

As someone who works in public health, i freaking love that the Korean Vegetable Association held this! LETS GOOOO!!!

Mom standing there with popcorn! Girl, gimme some that bag is huge.

I hope this episode is the Dan-ho and Mo-eum show! I love my babies! <3

Tell me the truth, why in the heck are you so against this??explain?? i need to know unless i am dumb and missed it. WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN TO MY YEON-DU?? WHY!!!

he said i can't quit you! (southern drawl)

oh, so we are fighting her mom now? oh wtf, this is uncalled for! we do not call my girl Yeon-du pitiful!!

decrease your work load? pray tell? GETTING MARRIED????? OH LORD. i just know this is gonna get messy.

the ta-da has me rolling, seung-hyo, the comedian you are

okay the advice she is giving is actually solid..... hmm, i have reservations. okay she is apologizing i think? whew.

BESTIE TIME!! HELL YEAH!!

"why does your story have so many twists and turns?" pot meet kettle. not the SPIT TAKE!!

seung-hyo looks soooooooooooo good in that blue striped shirt. blue is your color sir!

oh yes! dan-ho and seung-hyo guy time! now tell him you love mo-eum! right now! ugh they are talking about house improvements for the community, i'll let it slide.

oh fuck yes, getting to the good bits. i love meddling and matchmaking (when it's fun) - the acting of 'surprise' this is fucking hilarious.

"Im not an entertainment reporter but that was terrible" TELL THEM!

OH MY GOD THIS KISS !! SCREAMING!! not the getting up because he cant take it. "why did you stop?" LMFAO. these two. i will die.

okay that confession was so sweet 😭😭

reconnaissance on the snack shop, i love it - omfg wait mom is there? they are staking the place out! that's right queen, know thy enemy! awh shit, it's good.

aw, he is so down. this is breaking my heart. the reality of it all.

oh yes i love this! support her to get NerTube famous 😎

not the most beautiful person comments. BYE

i s2g he better be recording this because that was fucking cute

damn it he wasn't - a crime. 😤

not the brother hitting her with the "don't fall for me" - lmfao

not her buying mom bread since she is gonna continue seeing dan-ho!! damn right!

i get she is saying its going to be a heavy load taking on a child... but jfc can we have a normal conversation about this?

everything she wants Mo-eum to have? why in the fuck can't she do that with Dan-ho? and Yeon-du? AM I MISSING SOMETHING?

huge compliments to the writer for seok-ryu's parents arc. it's so real and i really do like their marriage, especially with the flaws they have as humans. 💗and the CUT TO THEIR WEDDING PHOTO?

me when i realize it's proposal day:

will it go well? lmfao absolutely not. it's only episode 14!

bahahah everything going wrong today, oh this is gonna be good. we got shower not working, burning with the iron! oh is this perhaps a sign? SIR?

ugh the cost of trips like these -- we gotta be firm about the budget friends! <3

my boys getting drunk again! uh oh!

ooooo fancy flowers! I do love those blooms <3 oh girl is not read for this at all.

PRO TIP FOR ANYONE PROPOSING TO SOMEONE THEY LOVE: the moment of a proposal can be a surprise, but the proposal itself should not be!

the CAR ACCIDENT LMFAOOOO - i do love that hes like we can fuck off and go to the hospital.

aw bringing her to the building he designed is so cute! oh this man is trying to drop fucking HINTS.

THIS MANS WIFE IS IN LABOR? AND HES HERE? OMFG WTF.

"I still have a chance" - brother no please cut your losses now. the universe is sending hints for a REASON.

and he trips. phenomenal.

oh she's offering to pay for the cruise? I know she is gonna do the 'noble thing', but queen. take the free trip. TAKE IT. of fucking course she is gonna lash out. please stop, right now. SToP FiGhTING!

oh fantastic lol, right when seok-ryu and seung-hyo's relationship is going up, their parents start fighting.

literally sobbing over the comment. fuck man that is so sweet.

i love seok-ryu's heart and desire for cooking and making videos. gosh its beautiful.

wait what the fuck im dying the proposal is actually sweet. andshe is gonna say..... no.... oh a fancy bracelet?? WHAT?

"I can't marry you" wait why can't? ma'am! but also sir did need to come down from reality.

"REJECTED SAYS WHO?" ME BITCH LOL.

I love how sad his voice when he said Dan-ho's name. besties 4ever!

alright Dan-ho, it's your time to give advice. knock him down a peg, he needs it. damn it, no Dan-ho don't do the hungry bit. you dumb dumb.

now the men are meddling, this is fucking everything to me. i love this friendship.

my little FAMILY WALKING TOGETHER!!! gosh i love the three of them. oh the flashback for the shoe laces, aw <3

i am going to combust, my gif queens someone please do the scene of the three of them walking <3

oh that god she got over it! yay! family dinner!

the way he slinks in to the snack shop LMFAO

lol the way they are both so PEEVED!!! HAHAH "this is betrayal!"

my man is drunk again at the stand and she is calling him out for it!! i like this stand owner!

we back at the bench. where he said his parents dont think of him. and now we are here due to the rejection! oh goodie!

well at least we are asking directly. because i want to know too!

NOT THE COOKING ROMANCE REFERENCES!

"you are my sesame oil" this lil drunkard

the housing references now omg ow.....

"why do you think we would live long lives" -> awe fuck girl, not because you are scared about getting sick again!!! wtf!!!

"Life is finite and death is inevitable" thanks seung-hyo, i already cried today

"there is one thing I can tell you for certain. I want to spend my life with you" alright okay these people

OH THANK GOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!! <3

the "one hundred years, ten years, one day, it has to be with you"

OH FUCK SHIT THEY ARE FOUND OUT aJGLDFAGKJADFG

the thunderclap BAHAHAH

oh we in it now friends

LOL it's gonna get feisty. But I must know now, will Mo-eum go to Antarctica??? HELLO?? I'll wait, it's fine.

[humanoidtyphoons]

mmkay, to try and break it down, both imahana (knb) and shinyori (bleach) occupy this space in my brain where it’s like:

- history

- i don’t like you very much, but i understand you, and likewise you me

- affection slips through, something always brings me back to you, love is why i cling to you

- there’s no need for niceties bc we’re both assholes here, it’s messy, it’s ugly, it’s flawed, at no point are pretending that we’re not that.

- the world’s kind of empty without you here, bc no one else will get what i mean except you

- gosh, you irritate the hell out of me, but i can’t let you go either

- the awfulness... prolly veers into abusive, but i’m not 100% certain it stays there? it is, however, unhealthy 100%.

- gratefulness and comfort at being known? despite how sometimes it is uncomfortable all the same?

- the quieter moments of just being

like in some ways i think book!howl and sophie fit this, bc howl annoys sophie so much it exasperates her, but i actually think... it’s cute tho. it is! i’d also say that they’re actually a lot healthier as a functioning ship.

to some degree, maybe ed/oswald from gotham fits too... even tho i think the show waffled on them and dropped the ball terribly..

the best second chance romances are prolly this, idk. they tend to dig themselves out of the unhealthiness tho, even if they’re petty enough to do some mud slinging in the meantime.

[rocorambles]

Perfect

Pairing: Akaashi x Reader

Genre/Warnings: NSFW, Yandere, Toxic Relationships, Manipulation, Non-Con/Dub-Con, Forced Impregnation

Prompt: “I told you to stay still”

Summary: The perfect couple always has children. Multiple children. A full family. A house full of laughter and home-cooked meals. And you two are the epitome of a perfect couple. So why are you still so hesitant about taking the next big step?

Author’s Note: This is my contribution for my HQ Discord Server’s NSFW collaboration. There are so many talented writers on the server and I highly encourage you to check out the collaboration masterlist here to see how everyone decided to run with this spicy prompt. (Masterlist goes live Tuesday 6th October 11:00pm U.K. time!) 

Akaashi’s always been an overthinker. He can admit that. He knows it’s a flaw he’s always had and could never seem to shake off. But just because he realizes it doesn’t mean he does anything about it. And the overwhelming pressure he places on himself in everything he does only fuels the suffocating thoughts until they’re screaming in his head. Unfortunately for you, his sweet darling wife, that only means terrible things for you and suddenly every move you make is alarming, every word you say is suspicious, every breath you take painstakingly monitored. 

Akaashi just wants to be the perfect husband, the perfect lover, the perfect provider. He wants the two of you to be the perfect happily married couple, to live the perfect domestic life. So after years of playing house, of devoting all his attention and love on you, of spoiling you rotten with everything you could possibly want, when you tell him you aren’t ready to have children yet, he feels his cool facade slip and the incessant thoughts begin to drown him. 

The perfect couple always has children. Multiple children. A full family. A house full of laughter and home-cooked meals. And you two are the epitome of a perfect couple. So why are you still so hesitant about taking the next big step? Are you tired of him? Do you not want to have kids with him? Are you planning on leaving him? 

You nervously shift from foot to foot, intimidated by the chaos you see in blue eyes and you tentatively reach out to your husband, trying to understand what’s wrong, but you sigh in relief as he jolts at your touch, staring blankly at you before setting his face back to its usual serene countenance, slightly smiling at you as he nods in understanding and affectionately kisses your forehead. This is the Akaashi you’d fallen in love with and you happily sigh as you wrap your arms around his waist, letting yourself be rocked in his arms in a warm embrace, ignorant of how his face hardens as soon as his chin is tucked above your head, eyes thoughtful, mind scheming. 

It takes some coaxing, some patient conversations during your most vulnerable moments when you were still groggily rubbing the sleep out of your eyes or yawning as you lay your head on the pillow to sleep at night, but he finally gets his answers and he smiles in endearment as you worry about whether or not you’re ready to be a mom. Would you even be a good mom? Oh. He’s sure you’re going to be the perfect mother and he makes a mental note to prove that to you until you see it for yourself, but he’s grateful for the darkness that hides his grimace when you go on to talk about how you also want to focus on your career for now. It’s not that Akaashi is against women working. He doesn’t hate how happy and fulfilled you feel as you ramble on and on about work, about your coworkers, about your salary and title. He just thinks you’d be even more perfect as his pretty little housewife and he quietly plans and strategizes as your breathing gets heavier and heavier until you’re fast asleep besides him on your shared bed. 

He waits until your chest rises and falls in even rhythms before reaching over for your phone. You’ve always been so trusting, probably too trusting of him, but that works in his favor now as he flawlessly types in your password and dives into your alarms and work emails. A swipe there, a deletion here. He meticulously combs through your phone turning off your alarms, deleting important meetings, getting rid of urgent emails waiting for your response before he quietly places your phone on the nightside table by you, pleased with his work and he closes his own eyes, a small smile on his face as he peacefully sleeps. 

Luckily, he leaves for work much earlier than you, so he’s out the door before you can even realize the messy day you’re about to have and he can’t be blamed for not waking you up when your alarm doesn’t go off. He patiently waits and waits, glancing at his phone every now and then, waiting for the onslaught of panicked and distressing texts he knows you’ll send his way as your day gets progressively worse and worse. And sure enough, his phone vibrates over and over again as you send a flurry of texts steeped in negative emotions and like the perfect husband he is, he sends the consoling and comforting notes you need. And when you call, crying and sobbing about being yelled at, about how awful at your job you are, he’s there to soothe you. 

“Don’t cry, love. It’s not your fault. You’re an amazing woman. Maybe this just isn’t the right job for you or the right company for you.” 

He plants the seeds of doubt in your mind and you let them be watered by the sweet suggestions he sprinkles on you. And with just a few more flicks of his wrist in the middle of the night when you’re asleep, ignorant of your phone being used without your knowledge, and a little bit of time, you’re finally fired and he’s there, rushing back home to wrap you in his arms. But he smiles when instead of being distraught, you merely sit there quietly as you tuck yourself against him. 

“Maybe this just wasn’t the right job for me, Keiji.”

He encourages you to take some time off from the workforce. You had worked so hard for so long. You deserve a break. And you mindlessly nod along to his silky voice. Relaxing does sound nice. You had thrown yourself into your job so much that you’d forgotten what it was like to have so much free time and you begin to excitedly ponder what hobbies you could pick up to fill the days, what projects around the house you could finally get done.    

Akaashi sighs when his alarm goes off the next morning, but he sits up in confusion when the smell of freshly brewed coffee wafts through the air and he blearily turns to your side of the bed, freezing when he finds it empty. But his groggy mind begins to put two and two together and he rushes towards the kitchen where he feels like his heart might burst at the sight of you humming, an apron daintily wrapped around you as you pour a generous amount of dark caffeine in his favorite mug. And he can’t stop himself from closing the distance between you as he tenderly wraps you in his arms, turning you around until you’re face to face as he captures your lips in a good morning kiss. He wants every morning to be like this, he thinks, as he mentally captures the image of you smiling and waving goodbye to him from the apartment door. The perfect loving wife seeing her husband off.

You spend your long days at home tidying up the house, decorating spaces in the house you’d always wanted to spruce up but never had time to before, spending hours in the kitchen cooking and baking everything you’d always wanted to try. It’s nice to fall into a domestic rhythm with Akaashi and work is far from your mind as you cheerily greet your husband when he comes home, as the two of you pleasantly chat while he eats the piping hot delicious meal you’ve prepared for him, as he hand feeds you the brownies you had made as the two of you sit on the couch and watch a show together.

But as time goes on, you find yourself twiddling your thumbs a bit with just a little too much idle time on your hand now that the interior of the apartment is exactly up to your dream standards of cleanliness and decor. And you can’t help but wonder how nice it would be to have a small child running about the place, keeping you company while Akaashi is away at work. You freeze when the thought crosses your mind and your brows furrow in confusion. Where had that thought come from? You’d never wanted kids before. And yet...You quickly shove that fleeting idea to the back of your mind as you refold laundry that had already been handled, throwing yourself into anything that could distract you from the strange desires plaguing your mind. 

Little do you know how much Akaashi has influenced you in the time you’ve been stuck at home. Little do you know that the daily evening walks he takes you on after dinner are always purposefully done around the nearby children parks. Little do you know that the little comments and remarks he makes about how adorable that child is, how silly this child is aren’t as offhand as you think. They’re strategically strung together words just for you and he slightly smiles when he sees them weaving through your mind as your eyes soften and a longing smile begins to tug at your lips when you turn to look at what he’s talking about. Little do you know that it’s no accident when the two of you go shopping and find yourselves passing aisles of children’s toys and clothing. And Akaashi feels his chest tighten with affection when you unconsciously skim your fingers over the tiny shoes and onesies, asking him for his opinions. 

“Aren’t these cute, Keiji?” 

And he nods his head as he reaches down to hold your hand, interlacing his fingers with yours as you continue perusing. 

He knows he almost has you right where he wants you. He can almost see the cogs turning in your head, see you imagining a life with him and a family...your own little family. It’s time for the final step and he secretly keeps tabs on the convenient period tracking app you have on your phone waiting and waiting until your next ovulation period and when it comes, you squeal in surprise when he impatiently whisks you off to your shared bedroom and presses you down onto the bed as soon as he steps into the house after work. 

His movements are so hurried, so rough, so unlike how Akaashi normally is, but you eagerly reciprocate, excited to see this side of your husband and you’re a moaning, writhing mess as he bites and sucks every inch of your skin, a trail of red skin following in his wake as he marks up your neck, collarbones, and breasts. You’re already dripping wet by the time he finally reaches down to rub your clit and slip his fingers inside of you and your hips buck up into his touch, urging him for more. Your head is swirling with lust and you whine when he briefly slips away to guide the tip of his cock against your leaking hole and you shudder in desire when you feel him running his tip along your slit. But even in your dazed state, you feel yourself hesitate a bit when you see that he isn’t using a condom. 

“Keiji, I’m ovulating. You need to use a cond- AH!”

You’re cut off as he slides his cock inside of you, your slick walls greedily sucking him in with little resistance and you try to muster up the words to repeat yourself, but you can’t articulate anything as he leans down to suck a perky nipple as he begins to thrust in and out of you in a sensual, but thorough pattern, making sure you can feel every inch of him rubbing against your clenching walls, making sure you can feel him sink balls deep inside of him, making sure you can feel him stimulate the spongy spot inside of you that has you seeing stars. And you give up, trusting that he’d at least pull out before he cums, and you lose yourself to the feeling of being so used and filled, feeling the coil in your stomach grow tighter and tighter, and when blue eyes gaze down at you and he hungrily leans down to capture your lips in a searing kiss, you fall over the edge, your pleasured wails swallowed by your husband’s lips as he chases his own end. 

You lay there in mind numbing bliss as he continues to sink in and out of your tight heat, letting out little mewls of overstimulation, but when you feel the erratic rhythm of his thrusts and you see the telltale look on his face as he closes his eyes that indicate he’s close and he makes no attempt to pull out, you weakly shake his shoulders, squirming and wriggling your body from underneath him as you try to pull away. 

“K-Keiji, NGH you can cum on me. Okay? AH B-but, you can’t cum inside me.” 

You scream when large hands roughly grab your waist in a bruising grip and forcefully pull you down until he’s fully inside you once again. 

“Stay still.” 

You whimper, trying to be good for him, but anxiety is beginning to cloud your pleasure and you struggle once again, pleading with him and telling him you don’t want to get pregnant. But you keen when that only spurs him on to fuck you rougher, harder, deeper and your eyes roll back as you try to register the almost painful overstimulation you’re going through. 

“I told you to stay still.” 

And this time you do stay still, unable to do anything else but lay there like a good obedient wife as he pistons in and out of you, your mouth open in a persistent silent scream as your hands desperately scramble to find purchase in the rumpled bed sheets and you brokenly moan when he finally shoves inside of you with one final thrust and your stomach feels hot as spurts of liquid spill inside of you.

You’re in shock as he stays buried inside of you, trapping your body with his as he lays down on top of you, nuzzling and kissing the crook of your neck as he keeps his cum inside of you and you’re not sure how much time passes as you just lay there, mind blank as you try to come to terms with what had just happened. But when you feel his cock begin to twitch and harden inside of you once more, you frantically try to push him away from you, try to separate yourself from him. 

“Keiji, stop it! I need to go get Plan B or something. I-” 

Your mind is a chaotic swirl as you try to figure out next steps to avoid this unwanted pregnancy and you think you might throw up at the idea of being pregnant, having a child, all so suddenly, so fast. 

You’re not ready. You’re not ready. You’re not ready. 

Your thoughts are shattered to pieces when you’re shoved back down onto the mattress and you loudly wail when Akaashi begins an unforgiving pace once again, brutally slamming his hips into yours, his cum acting as lubrication, making it easier for him to plow into you and take you over and over again. And the last coherent thought you have is that you were such a fool to not realize just how much stronger, how much larger Akaashi is compared to you as your attempts to shake him off are easily ignored by the man above you. 

You don’t know how much time has passed. It feels like an eternity and you’re not sure how you’re still conscious as Akaashi breeds you over and over again. Your mouth is open in a persistent silent scream, your eyes are rolled so far back in your head you can barely see, tears and drool mar your face. Everything feels so good, too good, and you can’t stop sobbing from the overwhelming pleasure you feel as Akaashi keeps on spilling load after load of sticky white liquid inside of you and you curl into Akaashi’s body instinctively for comfort when he sinks down on top of you, exhaustion finally catching up with him. And the two of you just lay there, chests heaving as you both heavily pant, his flaccid cock still buried inside of you, plugging his cum inside of you. And even though you want to yell at him, to be angry at him for forcing this on you, you’re so spent, head empty of anything except for Akaashi that you let yourself be maneuvered until you’re both on your sides, facing each other, your lower bodies still intimately connected. 

You let out a little whimper when you feel a large hand gently stroke your cum-filled stomach, but you can feel your face and body grow hot when his other hand gently nudges your chin up to look at him and you see the look of pure love and adoration in his eyes. 

“You’re going to look so beautiful with your belly bulging with my children, our children.” 

You let out a breathy gasp when he teasingly fondles one of your pebbled nipples and palms your fleshy mound. 

“You’re going to look so beautiful when these swell up with milk. I wonder if our children would be willing to share some with their father.” 

Sweet word after word spills from his lips and you listlessly lay there listening to him go on and on, painting a picture of what your future lives together would look like, and before you can catch yourself from falling deeper into his trap, your mind betrays you and images flash across your vision and you unconsciously draw even nearer to Akaashi, cuddling into his body affectionately as picture perfect scenes of you braiding a little girl’s hair while Akaashi teaches a little boy how to play volleyball flicker across your imagination. And when Akaashi feels you gently place your hand on top of his hand that’s still cradling your stomach practically sloshing with the amount of liquid he’s gifted you with tonight, he knows he’s got you hook, line, and sinker. 

That night the two of you fall asleep, dreaming about the perfect life you’re going to have together.

[spectrumed]

3. sadness

Don’t be like that. Be like this, or be that other thing. Be unique, but don’t be too unique. Fit in, but try to be a rebel. Be a renegade, but don’t rock the boat. Don’t know what you are supposed to be? What? Do you have imposter syndrome or something? Just be yourself, but, y’know, sand down the edges a little bit. Be friendlier. Be the kind of person everyone likes. Be the life of the party! Don’t be some shut-in, some crazy cat-lady with absolutely zero social life. Don’t be sad. Don’t burden others with your sadness. Work to maximise the total happiness of your community. A smile goes a long way. Can’t smile? You really can’t help but being a sourpuss all the time? Well, I guess maybe that if you can’t help but stay in a perpetual bad mood bringing everyone else down… then maybe you should just stay isolated? Better stay alone, away from others. You’re toxic. You’re just so damned sad. You really must be quarantined.

I am sad, a lot of the time. Are you? But, no, you can’t just admit that you are sad. Don’t be a buzzkill, try to inject a little humour into the things you say. You can admit you’re depressed, if you do so with a joke. Don’t let others know you’re being sincere. Ironic jokes work the best, don’t they? They let you confess your secret gloom to everyone around, but they’ll never know just how serious you’re being. With a wink of the eye, any candid expression of your inner turmoil can become a hilarious post-modern gag. Are they or are they not telling the truth? Oh, I’ll never tell! And it will all work out excellent, up until the day you commit suicide. But every comedian’s time in the limelight has to end at some point, right?

This blog is supposed to be about autism spectrum disorder, why am I suddenly discussing depression? Well, I suppose that it is time we bring to the table this little thing called comorbidity. Psychology is messy. Some would argue that it is barely even a real scientific field (I tend to think that it is the best thing we have, but I acknowledge that in places, psychology is fundamentally flawed.) You may have thought that you’d get just one diagnosis. One simple label that you can work through and overcome. You’re bipolar, now go deal with it! But instead, you find yourself with a whole fistful of diagnoses. What to hear my proud list of diagnoses? Oh, please, don’t think because I am listing them this one certain way, I put them in order of relevancy to me. I love all of my diagnoses equally.

My diagnoses are:

Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD)

Agoraphobia

Possible Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Asperger syndrome (AS)

No, I was never officially diagnosed with depression, but largely because, at the time I received these diagnoses, my depression was so blatant that it felt as if I was walking around with a cloud of miasma surrounding at all times. Imagine me as Pig-Pen from Peanuts, but instead of being covered in dirt, I was covered in the funk of melancholy. And whatever treatment I would eventually go on to receive (and still am receiving to this day,) would go about treating my anxiety first, and hopefully, the depression would give in alongside the anxiety. It has, for the most part, though, I still feel the presence of that black dog from time to time. I also got only a half-hearted potential diagnosis of OCD, but later, during a trial of an antidepressant that had a freakishly negative impact on my psyche, it blossomed into a fully-grown attention-craving condition. Turns out that OCD can be a real hog for the spotlight, really not allowing any of the other diagnoses to take their turn on stage. Thankfully, when I got off that particular antidepressant, those symptoms stopped, but it has led me to be far more aware of my internal obsessive-compulsive thought patterns. For me, OCD largely lacks physical compulsions, but my mind is ablaze with intrusive thoughts, and I will routinely force myself to repeat certain phrases in my head to make them go away. The funny thing is, I never realised that wasn’t normal.

Diagnoses are an attempt to map out a spiders’ web of problems. Things come hand in hand. While I’m no psychologist, I can speak from the perspective of someone who has been through the psychiatric process, which I suppose, lends me a certain kind of expertise, doesn’t it? Maybe it really doesn’t. Maybe I’m just throwing words out there, thinking that I could serve a good purpose, but instead all I am doing is contributing to this great onslaught of digital disinformation we’re all suffering under. But I’m probably just too doubtful of myself. I am speaking about myself, after all. I’ve got first-hand experience in being myself. I know exactly what it feels like to own this skin, these bones, this heart, and this mushy brain of mine. I’m not claiming to know everything. I’m just claiming to know about this one sad individual writing this hoping it might allow someone to reblog my posts with the hashtag “relatable” one day.

Anxiety runs in my family. The neurosis demon gets passed down from generation to generation, only occasionally skipping a beat. My mother and I share many of the same neurotic quirks, though, she has for the most part of her life not had it to quite the excessive degree that I have it. I really took that genetic predisposition for anxiety and ran with it. And while I’m the only person in my family to have gotten diagnosed as being “on the spectrum,” there are a few members that I kinda sort of in a way actually quite seriously suspect might also be here somewhere on the spectrum. Still, as always goes with diagnosing, there’s no point in doing it unless the person is in need of some kind of treatment. I wholeheartedly believe that most people on the planet belong to one spectrum, be it an autism spectrum, a bipolar spectrum, a narcissism spectrum, even a schizophrenic spectrum, but diagnoses should be exclusively reserved for those who need psychiatric care. The world is a spectrum, and it’s worth noting that the terms “sane” and “insane” do not alone capture the complexity of the human psyche. A person can appear perfectly sensible, yet at some point in their life, they may have been a real silly little bugger who thought that their pet hamster was the reincarnation of the Buddha. Just as with physical health, one can struggle with one's mental health for one period in their life, only to later on in life feel utterly and entirely mentally healthy. Or, well, sadly in a lot of cases, people who were perfectly mentally healthy may suddenly become diagnosed with dementia. But that’s really sad, so let’s not talk about that.

Is it all genetic? Well, no. Or well, maybe? In regards to autism, I am pretty sure that, yes, it is genetic. While, yes, I do admit that I’m just a dummy on the internet, so what do I really know? And the brain is such a complex bit of mushy meat, so I could always be proven wrong. Though, I tend towards thinking that there most likely is principally a genetic factor to conditions like autism, or attention deficit disorder (and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder,) or things like bipolar disorder. But with anxiety, quite frankly, I can’t say how much of it is nurture and how much of it is nature. I mentioned that my mother and I share many of the same neurotic quirks, so that would imply that there is something in one's genes that can make some more prone to anxiety than others, but my mother does not struggle with agoraphobia, nor does she seem to have any obsessive-compulsive tendencies. In fact, in my family, even those that exhibit some element of heightened anxiety, they don’t seem to show any milder symptoms of this kind. I can’t help but feel as if these conditions I gained through that tortuous period of every boy’s and girl’s (and boy-girl’s) life is called puberty. I hate to conform to stereotypes but I did indeed hate being a teenager. Believe it or not, I wasn’t a jock, and no, I didn’t go to parties. I mostly spent my time crying.

The question that no doubt plagues every movie psychiatrist to no end is what kind of trauma must a person undergo to make them go mad? Abusive parents? Abusive uncles? Abusive teachers? Abusive dogs? Honestly, to be an adult raising a child must be rough, considering how any mistake you make might suddenly turn your little babe into a future serial killer. Now, there’s no doubt that there are some seriously terrible parents out there, and that a lot of people have mental woes that definitely came about due to their parents and their abysmal lack of parental care. But generally, how much can you actually blame on your parents? We know the cliché, let’s go sit down on the sofa and complain to our Freudian hack-shrink all about those times as a kid our dad missed the big game, or that time our mother embarrassed us in front of all of our friends. I have plenty of things to complain about my parents, like I believe we all have. Our parents are flawed, messy human beings, of course they occasionally made mistakes throughout our upbringings. But is that nearly enough to turn a person mentally ill? Putting up with an at times really embarrassing mom? No, I don’t think so. And of course, there are some real awful parents out there, I’m not doubting that. Trust me, I’m a fan of true crime, so I’ve heard some real grizzly stories of what some kids are forced to grow up with. But I am thinking that those instances are more rare than they are common. Most people with mental illnesses can most likely not blame their parents.

How ‘bout bullies? Yes, them bullies. Them awful mean bullies that made all of our lives so painful. It’s funny, it seems like every school had their own fair share of bullies, and yet no-one as an adult ever comes forward to admit that they themselves were the bullies. It’s almost like as if no-one ever thinks of themselves as being a bully, even when they are throwing rocks at that weird chubby kid with blonde hair who happens to be named Fredrik and who just wants to be left alone. Was I bullied? Well… yes. But I can’t say I got the brunt of it. I got bullied, but overall I’d say I only ever had it slightly worse than most people. I was still quite tall, typically taller than my classmates growing up, and for the most part I could roll with the punches. If you really want to talk about a kid I knew growing up that got bullied, let me tell you about this kid who knew all the right dances for all the right Britney Spears songs. He was gay, I think. Not quite old enough to have come out, I suspect, but, well... He liked all the female pop stars, but not in that way of wanting to kiss them and fondle their boobies, but in the “I want to sound just like them when I grow up” sort of way. I don’t know what happened to him (or them, or her, depending on how they identify now,) but that was real bullying. Like most folks, I found myself stuck in that limbo of seeing others get bullied far worse than me and being too cowardly to intervene, in fears that I’d end up taking their place. Yes, isn’t school just a marvellous place? It’s a wonder any of us turn out okay.

No, I think that, fundamentally, the problems I have arose with myself. This, blaming myself, is not something that I am unused to doing. I have a long history of blaming myself, that’s really the problem. As a teenager I knew that I was different, and I was frightened and scared of being exposed. I didn’t even really know what it was that was different about me, I just knew that I didn’t fit in. I felt as if I didn’t deserve to fit in. The older I got, the more intense these feelings got. And I started taking it out on myself. I started hating myself. And I really mean furiously hating myself. It wasn’t some casual self-loathing, it was searing self-hatred. I did not physically hurt myself, but I did engage with self-harm. I kept repeating the mantras of “I hate myself,” and “I am pathetic,” over and over again, with the ultimate goal of making myself cry. For a period, I couldn’t go to bed without making myself cry first. I began taking days off from school, pretending to be sick. Well, I suppose I was ill, but not physically. I began failing most of my classes, I only ended up doing well in art. I stayed away from school for whole weeks at the time. Once, when I shame-facedly returned to school some of the meaner boys came up to me and said that they were surprised to learn that I was still alive. They were surprised, but also a little disappointed.

This was a time in my life when I really needed psychiatric care. This became increasingly obvious to my parents, and my teachers. I was clearly suffering from depression. Not just some teenaged angst, but full-blown, wholly insidious, depression. But, well, I didn’t get the care that I needed. Oh, I did go to see a psychologist a couple of times, but she saw no reason for me to continue seeing her. I don’t know why she felt as if I wasn’t in need of help, frankly, I can’t fathom why she felt as if I wasn’t in need of help. I suppose I avoided telling her the truth of what went on inside of my head, but I feel like as if any good psychologist would have been able to tell that the kid sitting across from them was clearly suffering from something a tad more intense than just some common concerns about puberty. At most I was able to confess was that I was feeling ashamed over myself for getting so fat, but it should have been clear to anybody that I was only using that as a hook to hang my self-hatred on. There very clearly was some underlying condition that I had that should have gotten addressed. But it went ignored.

At most I can think to explain this is the fact that I wasn’t “problematic.” Not in the way some kids are, when they’re struggling with their mental health. I did not act out, I did not take drugs, and I was certainly not violent. Even to this day, though I have at many times suffered from suicidal ideation, I am a real low-risk for actual suicide considering my intense fear of dying (yes, that’s an odd combo to have.) So, I’ve come to realise that the only way I am getting treatment is if I actually seek out treatment. And back then, I was just as placid as I had previously always been. I was quiet and introverted, just desperate to get back home so I could go and hide in my room. Many teenagers are like that. And it is easy to ignore them, because they want to be ignored. They just don’t want to exist. When you are desperate to be left alone, eventually people will leave you alone. I would go on to receive psychiatric care later on my life, but only after several years passed. I did have a better time living in my later teenage years, but like with a bone that heals wrong, I needed someone to come in and sort me out. I was sad as a teenager, but I would become really sad as a twenty-something. Hopefully my thirties will be jolly.

[padme-amitabha]

I just watched a video countering a couple of Prequel bashers and, my god, the things the haters said should happen to Jake Lloyd! It's an abhorrent injustice that these disgusting people were catered to by the 2008 CW series. You know, however terrible they are, I'm almost glad for the sequels, because if there's one good thing that came from them, it was watching the Prequel hate coming back to bite these people hard.

Tell me about it. The people who bullied Jake Llyod are despicable. I think the actors in the sequel trilogy sometimes overacted and it came out as too forceful at times and I wasn’t a fan of Daisey Ridley’s wooden acting but that’s no excuse to bully the actors! Jake tried his best and did exactly what George instructed him to do i.e. play a simple good-natured kid. The sequels have been criticized but I think the acting is rarely brought up while prequel actors like Ahmed Best, Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman had to deal with this nonsense because people didn’t agree with their characters’ actions, how they were written and/or couldn’t handle character flaws.

Still Jake Lloyd showed more emotional range than the adult sequel trilogy actors (I mean is Rey even capable of other expressions than being wide eyed or smiling in inappropriate situations or looking like she’s trying too hard?). I understand getting teased at school because let’s face it kids are immature and they were probably just jealous he got the role in such a highly anticipated movie but what angers me is when grown men picked on him and bullied him like the man-babies they were AND had the nerve to blame it on George (who still defends the prequels and it’s characters). I know it’s hard for them to swallow this but Star Wars is George’s creation and doesn’t exist solely to fulfill their male power fantasies. I have seen their version of “fix-it” videos where they are like Anakin should have been born with the suit and basically making him a psychopathic soulless monster and also a demon child. The atrocious Darth Vader Marvel comics are still trying to please said man-babies but TCW started that trend. These days actors can gain sympathy and support from fans on social media but back then people rarely stood up for little Jake and Ahmed Best. What’s worse is some reporters continued to harass and insult Jake in interviews to the point it permanently damaged his mental health. They even harassed his mom and continued to make those awful podracing jokes after the car-chase incident. He didn’t deserve any of this. And people still continue to ridicule him. I have seen people joke about him being unattractive compared to Hayden Christensen which is just so shallow and mean. Anakin is a fictional character - he can be played by any actor as long as it is convincing. 

You’re right about TCW, that’s one of the reasons why I can never accept it (no matter how much I overlook the other terrible retcons). They were made to “fix” the prequels and even George was forced to change his characters a little because of the intense backlash. TCW caters to those horrible bullies and introducing that Ahsoka character wasn’t the best decision. You know, I once saw a video where fans voted for their favorite Jedi and she came in no. 2 and one of the common reasons they provided was because they found her attractive. Now female characters in a male dominated fandom have always been sexualized but the number of times TCW sexualized a minor is disturbing. And of course, Filoni’s blatant bias for his OC is extremely annoying. TCW caters to the fanboys’ ideals of toxic masculinity and are indirectly supporting these bullies. It started this trend of changing the prequel characters to make them more “acceptable” and “stereotypical” because fans can’t grasp the concept of complex and emotional characters and changing the “cheesy” romance to an abusive/unhealthy one to make it more “realistic”. Star Wars is more like a fairytale, even George said it’s a space opera. It’s meant to be dramatic and have mythical themes. But fanboys absolutely love these changes because now the prequels have been “improved” like this show was made specifically to please them and apologize for the prequels. They complain about how prequels ruined characters like Darth Vader because sometimes you should be able to use your imagination to fill in the gaps but TCW was that gap. The originals left so many valid unanswered questions like who was the Emperor (and how could he use force lightning), what was the clone wars, how exactly did Anakin fall from grace and who was Luke and Leia’s mother? The prequels answered them all and did a fantastic job at world-building. TCW is the unnecessary extension, we didn’t need to see their everyday lives and still if anyone was curious the 2003 CW was there to bridge the gap perfectly while staying true to the characters and keeping the tone consistent.

I agree with you on the sequels. I have never been invested in them in the first place to be outraged. I was bored watching TFA and its unoriginal plot, mildly amused at how ridiculous the TLJ was and just confused at how pointless and messy TROS was. So yeah the trilogy served those people right who thought a shallow unoriginal remake of ANH “revived” Star Wars after its creator “ruined” it and thought a director (whose other films are not very original either) could do better than one of the most creative and intelligent men in Hollywood.

Star Wars is so much more than these pointless action movies with stereotypical action heroes. George had combined elements from mythology, history, literature, science fiction, fantasy to create a beautiful story with symbolism, depth and a great message. The prequel trilogy and the original trilogy are two halves of that story and both are needed to complete the saga. Hollywood and these fans don’t deserve George Lucas. They disrespected him and his work.

[linkspooky]

Ten Favorite Female Characters

I was tagged by @midnight-in-town​, so now I have to show them how much I love my favorite women. 

Name your favorite female characters from 10 different Fandoms and tag 10/or the amount you wish people

Tagging: @hamliet​ @amonmahboi​ @inumaqi​ @thyandrawrites​ @kaibutsushidousha​  @harostar​.. yeah, I don’t know ten people. 

Enoshima Junko 

“Hope is harmony. A just heart, moving toward the light. That is all. Despair is hope's polar opposite. It is messy and confusing. It swallows up love, hatred, and everything else.”

Junko wishes she was a psychopath. She’s spent her entire life pretending to be a crazy psychopath, because living that life is just so much more interesting than the one she’s stuck in. Enoshima Junko is just too smart for the world, and everything is too easy for her, and rather than try to dumb herself down a little bit she’s decided to knock everything else down. She’s a girl kicking down sandcastles because building them out of sand all alone is no longer doing it for her. 

Junko’s interesting because of the weird logic and loops she runs her brain into. There’s a complex character behind the whole “I exist only to spread despair” thing. She’s perfectly capable of forming emotional attachments to people, and genuinely caring. But the people she likes are generally far worse off than the ones she doesn’t care about. 

Junko wants so badly to, just not be human. She does the most inhuman things possible to prove that she’s not human. What really made me love her is the lengths she’s willing to go, to the point in Dangan Ronpa Zero where she basically took a screw to her own brain and started acting like a normal girl only when all of her memories were removed. 

Junkos relationship with Matsuda shows two conflicting sides of her character. How much she's humanized by her love of him,  and also how much she wants to completely destroy that part of herself. It's like she physically can't be a normal girl. Or rather she doesn’t want to be to such extremes she’ll break everything and then herself. 

And if she can’t be normal than Junko decided that self destruction is her next best bet. There’s just nothing that will satisfy Junko, and it’s interesting to watch someone that empty decide the world is going to end, or she’s going to end herself and she doesn’t really care which. 

Ajimu Najimi

“Call to me with affection, Anshin’in-san. Well, I don’t really care what manga characters call me.” 

Hey, I put Junko on this list twice. Both Ajimu and Junko live in a world that is too easy for them, and therefore they have no reason to get emotionally invested in others or try to attach themselves to anything. Which is why it’s fun to see Ajimu attempt the same thing as Junko to kill herself in style and eventually get saved from herself.

Medaka Box is such a meaningful manga to me because they take the weirdest characters and no matter how deranged they are they find the parts of them that are relatable and go, well guess what you’re human too. Ajimu literally calls herself a non-human and she’s just as human as all the rest in the end. 

The best part is it’s not her good points that make her human, it’s all her flaws. It’s easy to feel like the world isn’t real, that nothing in the world is worth living for, to feel no emotional attachment. Those are all human emotions. Not because they’re good and shining, but because they’re petty and terrible. Ajimu is this brilliant character, but she’s also kind of just a petty little girl using a ‘fiction is reality’ lens to cope. She’s not that special actually, she’s just suicidal, and kind of awful in general. It’s nice to see that human side behind the mastermind character. 

Azula

“My own mother thought I was a monster. She was right of course but it still hurts.” 

Azula is someone thoroughly dehumanized by everyone even the “good” members of her family (Uncle Iroh, Zuko, her Mother). I like how Azula in some part seems to be aware that both her brother, and mother seem to kind of consider her the “bad sibling” and she just decides to embrace it. Like it’s... not emotionally healthy in any way and it’s terribly tragic but there’s something about characters who actively make the decision to be a monster that gets me. 

There’s something about Azula’s writing that makes me uncomfortable, and it makes me sad that Zuko like... continually associates her with his father’s abuse, and demonizes her like she wasn’t also a kid going through the exact same situation, but Azula getting increasingly unstable is at least an appropriate response to that. 

Even if her brother, her mother, or her father won’t see her as her own person and they all see her as an extension of her father’s abuse on her, Azula is just so determined to be her own person even if it means burning the world, or herself A common theme I guess, but a lot of these characters have narratives about not being allowed to be their own person or shown any kind of humanity or normalcy. 

Morrigan

“Well, well, well what do we have here?”

Morrigan is mean, and nasty, and grumpy and bitchy and witchy. She’s allowed to be unlikable, because Morrigan never bends to anyone. Her survival, and freedom will become first before anything else. 

It feels like Morrigan is the main character in her own story, and you just happen to be a part of it for a short while. You may even be an important character to her, she may be attached, but ultimately you’ll never be more than support to her. 

Morrigan is such an ambitious an singular entity that her character development is letting you be a part of her life and not the other way around. She'll always survive on her own.  Morrigan is irrevocably shaped by her environemnt, and yet she craves freedom in that too because she doesn’t want to be bound by her past or shaped by her mother. So much of herself is dedicated to being better than the environment that she was raised in that she defeats her mother not by killing her, or freeing herself, but rather by being a better mother than her. 

Raven / Rachel Roth

“Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos...” 

Raven is fun, because a bunch of monks thought the best way to teach her to handle her emotions was to never allow her to feel any emotion ever. So, Raven is eternally running on a zero. She’s terrified even a small amount of happiness will end the world. She’s not allowed to be her own person, neither her bastard father, nor the monks treat her like one.

Raven is so gentle, and selfless, and emotionally perceptive and sensitive to others needs but she can’t ever display almost any of these good traits because she’s internalized the idea that she’s such a bad person. She always believes all the time that she exists to hurt others and that makes it so difficult for her to connect to others. 

Which is why her true friends bond with the Teen Titans is so meaningful, because Rachel found a family in spite of all of that. She has friends who think she’s a good person unconditionally despite the fact that Raven continually tells herself she isn’t. There are people in the world willing to navigate the maze of walls that Raven has built around herself, and that her environment forced her to build and closed up, and she’s so happy to have them. 

Midna

“Some call our realm a world of shadows, but that makes it sound so unpleasant... The twilight there holds a serene beauty... You have seen it yourself as the sun sets on this world. Bathed in that light, all the people were pure and gentle...” 

Midna just steals the show. Her story now. The game’s not called Legend of Zelda anymore now it’s Legend of Midna. Not only is she the most important character in the game she appears in, but she’s also in character someone so selfish she’ll always prioritize herself over everyone else. However, only because she feels that she can’t exist as anything other than the princess of the twilight and has to prioritize her survival for the sake of her people. Midna even says so at the start of the game, she can’t be kind because she wasn’t spoiled like princess Zelda in the bountiful kingdom of the light. 

Midna is so selfish and yet doesn’t really have her own wants and needs as a person outside of the role she has to play for her people, which is why she’s so terribly lost without it and just because this terrible selfish little gremlin. Link and Zelda affect Midna so much because they humanize her. They both sacrifice themselves to save Midna the person and she doesn’t get why. She doesn’t get why two people would help someone who has been so unkind to them and who has failed them this much so far. 

That act of selflessness moves her, and also freaks her out. She even says she didn’t want to be saved by either of them. Which is what makes her redemption in the second half of the game so interesting, because Midna really improves herself so she can become someone worth their kindness. She doesn’t want the selflessness of people like Zelda and Link to go to waste, and because of that begins to care about things outside of her kingdom and her role as princess 

Vriska Serket

“After all of this is over. Do you want to go on a d8?”

Unfortunately one of my top 3 favorite characters of all time comes from a really terrible source material. Vriska is everything I like in a character.  She's a mess. She's really hard to swallow. She's a character that's not meant to be liked.

Nobody really likes Vriska and it's all her fault for being such a horrible person, nobody wants her damage. Which is so interesting because usually main characters get forgiven over and over again. Everyone leaves and if they don't Vriska will burn those bridges herself. No character better embodies what it's like to be stuck in a self harming cycle

Authors are always so obsessed with making characters look good or showing what a good person they are few characters are allowed to be just plain unlikely in ugly ways. It’s what lets Vriskas genuine desire to be better actually seem like a struggle. 

Kocho Shinobu

“Are you angry? Yes, I’m angry Tanjiro. I’ve always been angry.” 

Shinobu is just all pleasantries on the surface, but so full of negative emotions in ways women aren't allowed to be. I love the medicine / poison dynamic to her character and how it rots her to the core. Too much medicine is a poison, while poison can be a medicine when applied to the right situation.

Shinobu is, two faced. She’s beautiful and kind, and full of ugly emotions and empty. She nurses people back from the dead, she sees no point in living herself and purposefully throws herself into a suicide in her plan against Doma. There’s just such a destructive dance between extremes for her because Shinobu is such a unique individual, trying to deal with all of these emotions she just can’t deal with. She can’t be noble, or better than her trauma, she just pretends to be a good person while she slowly rots away inside.  

Shinobu can put on smiles all day -

But she can't be like her sister.  She can't love people like her sister can. Maybe she could once but all that's left now is anger. Bitter, unpleasant, and completely in denial of it and still masquerading as a good person. The most beautiful kind of poison of all.

She’s not her sister, but she’s also not really her own person. She doesn’t know who Shinobu is, doesn’t know who Kocho Shinobu lives for. She just doesn’t imagine herself living past her revenge, and even though she’s surrounded by love she’s just so cracked it all pours out of her and absolutely nothing could be worth prolonging her life after everything she’s lost. 

Toga Himiko

“What exactly is a normal life? I also live a normal life, you know.” 

Himiko Toga is a girl who lives entirely on her own terms. Which is just so rare for a female character, you know? It’s so genuinely subversive to know that Himiko was once a nice girl, who always smiled, always put other people’s feelings first, and that sort of ‘good girl’ behavior drove her completely insane.

Toga deciding to be true to herself is an act of rebellion against the world. 

For Himiko everything is flipped. What others regard as psycho behavior is her normal. She doesn’t let other people define her story as a tragedy, and even murders the one person who tries to control her story. In a story where female characters constantly downplay their own importance to support the male characters Himiko is the only character important enough to be the center of her own story. Himiko’s story is so subversive as well, both of how society treats her, and how the story treats characters like her. 

Himiko is such an excellent yandere, all yanderes wish they were himiko. She comes off as this batshit stabby girl,  but then you find out that shes actually emotionally perceptive. She first comes off selfish, bratty, and self-centered but she turns into one of the most sensitive characters in the manga. She eschews the ideals of being a good girl that was forced down her throat, but that doesn’t mean she’s not empathic, or that she’s not capable of goodness. She’s good to twice. She’s good to the people who accept her. 

Himiko no matter what will always be a deviant. Always be an outsider. Instead of trying to make room for her her parents forced her to lie and wear a mask until her identity became completely shattered. I like Toga because under the knife wielding psycho she's a normal girl. Then under that normal girl there’s also a knife wielding psycho ready to fight back, and both of them are the real her. 

Ihei Hairu

“I saw the reaper, he was very beautiful.” 

Every character from the garden is just fundamentally broken.  Hairu and Rize are interesting foils, because if you think of about it a loveless childhood turned them both into ruthless killers. It’s just they decided to live for different things, Rize lived rejecting love and Hairu lived chasing after love. However, fundamentally they are the same. They are children starved for any kind of love or nurturing.  Hairu is so desperate she devotes her entire life to the first person who acknowledged her. However, the same sort of desperation to live, that tragic need to make the most out of the few short years they have exists in all garden children.

Hairu wants so badly to be a person, but she’s not a person. She’s half ghoul. 

There's just something about a girl who was never meant to be born and never meant to live, still trying.  There's a dark side to her character, she's violent and inhuman exactly like the environment she was raised in but she was also still a child at heart seeking love.

Which is why though her narrative is a thoroughly unhappy one, it does make me happy that there was someone who loved her in the form of Koori Ui. There is someone who wanted her to live longer. Her life was short, but she did live, and it’s that struggle to connect to others that made her truly alive. 

[zuzuslastbraincell]

Give me a character and I will answer: Azula

here we go

why I like them

absolute queen and absolute loser at the same time. the intimidating, confident #girlking persona she projects is extremely compelling to watch, the lines she makes e.g. "you were never really a player" are just so cutting, she's clearly having fun trouncing everyone and seeing the gaang struggle against that is a good challenge, she's just good *fun* as a screen presence and just immensely entertaining to watch. she's also just extremely fucking funny. like as much as I felt the writers over-leant into '14 year old girl is the most terrifying creature on the planet' as humour, to the extent that Ursa and Iroh end up saying some very fucked-up lines (which the series compensates for by taking seriously and exploring the consequences for Azula's psyche in S3), I do think the joke *is* genuinely pretty funny. Seeing Azula make grown men, soliders, leading officials, just panic and lose it is *funny* on some level cause she's just a 14 year old kid. Like she's a very good second season villain that ups the stakes.

but like, she's more than who she pretends to be, they give her a lot of depth in s3, you really very much see that at the core of it she's a dsyfunctional 14 year old who has been abused by her father, trapped in a toxic competition with her brother for the crown, and taught that weakness of any kind is utterly unacceptable. The show doesn't ask you to forgive her for who terribly she's treated others but it does present her as worthy of sympathy, as someone complex, made who she was by the conditions of her upbringing.

she's absolutely terrible but she's tremendous fun and you really do feel for her.

why i don't

she was just utterly awful to zuko, ty lee, and mai. she does just manipulate people. she is just unapologetically pro-fire nation and never questions that or has the chance to question it. But arguably these are things, weirdly, that I also like about her because she's just such a compelling example of a deeply flawed character - flaws make characters interesting. (really do wish she'd give zuko a break though.)

favourite episode

I thought about this for a moment but it's the beach. of course it's the beach. the volleyball scene. the petty jealousy. her inability to flirt. 'that's a sharp outfit chan'. the whole campfire scene from 'here we go again' to 'my mother thought i was a monster'. Finally burning chan's house down? Like ugh. Really showed Azula both at her most fun, her funniest, and her most vulnerable at the same time. Really made it clear how she's really lacking social skills from how she's been brought up as a little soldier - like it's made interacting with peers as equals just impossible for her and she really *struggles* outside of the hypercpmpetitive environment that her father brought her up to dominate.

favourite season

don't ask me this. I love s2 hyper-competant azula and s3 disaster azula equally.

favourite line

'Isn't it obvious? I'm about to celebrate becoming an only child!' always fucking cracks me up but it's like HOW dramatic can you be, and the ruthlessness here I think indicates some kind of desperation really. southern raiders azula is a really interesting azula imo (as we have discussed a lot recently)

favourite outfit

oh definitely the earth kingdom outfit in crossroads of destiny. she looks great in green!

OTP

azula/therapy azula/meaningful amends and redemption azula/working through her shit in order to become a better-adjusted adult

but azula/katara is good in an AU where it’s less messy and there’s less intergenerational trauma. 

brotp

azula & any kind of genuine parental affection PLEASE can iroh or ursa step up thanks or just ANYONE please adopt this child

but also i am very fond as sokka & azula as pai sho rivals in their early 20s who snipe at each other but eventually over time become almost-friends, and i like toph & azula having chaotic life-changing adventures together

a headcanon

azula is equally as knowledgeable about the theatre as zuko, she just hides her interest. I think artistically she's also quite skilled - though it's downplayed. I can see her being a great singer (in the same way zuko is apparently a good musician) or potentially very good with inks, as it requires a great degree of precision. post-redemption i imagine though she lets her work become more messy, more abstract, less precise. she sings off tune. she joins an amateur players group and lets herself be a hammy actor. she learns to dance and isnt perfect at it first try. I can see the arts as being really fundamental to her recovery quite honestly.

unpopular opinion

honestly don’t think i have any, unless 'an abused 14 year old child soldier is NOT irredeemable' still counts as unpopular. I think opinion has softened towards azula over time though and i think more people nowadays recognise she needs help & can better herself with the right support network.

I suppose what could be counted as unpopular is that, while azula may love zuko 'deep down', the olive branch she offers him in s2/s3 to return home is also a self-interested move that puts the harsh light of scrutiny on him and ensures he'll be blamed if the avatar is rediscovered (see their convo in s3e1), and zuko is well within his rights to reject and want better than azula's 'love' when it is clearly also a self-interested and manipulative ploy. Love isn’t and shouldn't be manipulative and it's tragic that Azula can't open herself enough to build something based on trust and instead has to manipulate the people she cares for in position.

OH wait - actual unpopular opinion 'do the tides command the ship?' never landed as a line for me, the whole time i was just thinking about how ignorant she appeared to be of like, how boats work... how the sea works..., and her confidence just came off as arrogant stupidity. azula you cant argue with the dudes they’ll just wreck your boat dude.

a wish

wrote a post about this which I'll link but azula joining the ember island players is really my favourite recovery arc for her:

read here

oh I would also just azula, as part of her recovery-redemption process, to just go full anarchist on us, i’d really love to see a dramatic political shift in a moment of “fine! i’ll be everything my dad doesn’t want to be!” spiralling that ends up with her genuinely adopting that position.

an oh-god-please-don't-ever-happen

become the fire lord. azula needs a life outside of politics. she clearly cares for her country on some level and wants to do it right but there are other ways to fulfil that need. imo she needs to give up the crown, because, as with zuko (who travelled as a refugee in the earth kingdom and grew because of it), the elevated sense of superiority she has due to being royal prevents her from extending her sense of compassion, prevents her from seeing the cost that imperialism and monarchy has caused, she needs a new perspective, and that will require stepping away from the crown. like becoming the fire lord would create more distance rather than reduce it and she very much sees becoming the fire lord as a continuity of old practices - in contrast to zuko who breaks from them.

five words to describe her

precise, deadly, hard-working, theatrical, and dearly in need of a hug from her mother

[skamamoroma]

“I Told Sunset About You” - Review/Recap/Whole Bunch of Nonsense Rambling about my Love!

Every now and then a show comes along that I get absolutely knocked off my feet by and I can’t stop thinking about it until I write a whole bunch of nonsense because it’s THAT GOOD and this damn show. I’ve thought about it all week. Outside of the SCU and other longer running stuff, the last time a show sidetracked me like this was San Junipero and I dreamed about that episode for weeks! This show got to me so much that I knew I had to write that whole bunch of nonsense for real and I decided to write a bit of a review and then some specific posts about some of the themes, metaphors, ideas and shots etc that I adore. So if this is not your thing, I tag religiously!

So if you haven’t seen it, the show is about two young boys, Teh and Oh-aew, living in Phuket in Thailand about to take their entry exams/go through the Uni acceptance process. They were childhood best friends until they had an argument which caused them to stop speaking to one another for many years until they meet again at a Chinese class. The story is about friendship, identity, love, rivalry, family, authenticity, ambition and growing up. It’s sweet, funny, painful, warm, difficult, romantic, hopeful, honest and insightful. I hope you don’t fall asleep reading... !

My friend in Japan recommended this show to me. I watch a lot of movies/tv from different parts of the world but rarely from this part of the world not because I don’t want to - I DO! - I just don’t know what’s good and I tend to rely on recommendations from friends or coming across things by chance. If you’ve followed me for even a while, you know my JAM is character driven, nuanced, beautiful shows that go heavy on authentic emotion but use cinematography/music/sound/colour and other creative tricks to further the story. Nothing makes me go starry eyed more than a show SHOWING without a single moment of TELLING where it isn’t necessary and this show hit every single one of those things and more to the point that I was completely swooning at how much of a masterpiece it is. I swear some tiny moments in this show have me floored with how effective and meaningful they are. ARGH. 

As icing on the cake, it’s beautifully LGBT+ themed (written in part and, I believe, directed by LGBT+ folks - if I’ve got that wrong from translations, let me know). These themes are created with care and love, felt refreshing with characters I don’t feel I’ve really seen before. I know that there is info to suggest that they wanted to create this show much more FOR LGBT+ folks and to differentiate it from a style of show that is perhaps more popular for a mainstream audience or a certain audience that wants a certain thing from some Thai dramas (I’m personally not into BL - I think that’s what the genre is called as I kinda don’t know how to feel about that stuff being hella tropey and made for a specifically straight female audience)… and you can tell. They apparently didn’t promote this as that genre. Some of the other themes were so interesting and explored so beautifully. The idea of rivalry and competition was handled with so much insight and depth that it really did stun me at time’s how skilled the writing is. 

The acting… oh the acting. I know Billkin and PP have apparently been close friends for many years but even that sometimes doesn’t guarantee to equal this level of chemistry. They are stunning actors, genuinely nuanced, so charismatic and loveable. I love that even the sad anguished moments are messy as hell (and a couple so delightfully dramatic), the gentle sweeping romantic moments are swoon worthy and allowed to linger or exist in silence, the tension they create is often feels a little too intrusive to watch and the nuance - so much is said without saying anything at all. Some specific moments are handled with so much care when dealing with really complex emotion and I’m floored to see such young actors achieve some of the moments they do because some of the emotion is genuinely complex. There’s a lot of Teh who is terribly complex and to achieve that balance between difficult to work out and yet still feeling like you understand him is a very tricky thing and yet, that’s what I felt when I watched his character. I am in awe of their abilities to be honest and just found them completely mesmerising from start to finish. I love that a lot of their character traits are established so strongly through acting choices that by the end, when both have come kinda full circle and have learned from the other, you can see the OTHER in the OTHER, if that makes sense! Teh in the final few scenes takes on some of Oh’s characteristics. It’s so noticeable but never oversold. Perfect.I can’t overstate this enough! Some moments left me breathless for so many reasons. 

My mum lived in Thailand for a while and in Phuket where the show is set and I loved seeing stuff I recognised from a few of her photographs. I felt I learned a lot about Thai culture too, stuff my mum would have learned and I adored the world surrounding these characters! Btw, if I get anything incorrect re: the culture - come shout at me! :)

The music. Knowing that the soundtrack was written for the show and sung mostly by the two leads was such a surprise because they are beautiful songs. The score is, and I cannot emphasise this enough, bloody gorgeous. There are parts where they play the most gentle soft piano music that kinda breaks my heart and others when they perfectly place the most uplifting soaring sounds that enhance some simple scenes so much that they felt so impactful. There’s a song on the score called Skyline Minimal which is used in a specific scene and in the documentary the director talks about how just the sound of it, you don’t need the lyrics, it just makes you miss someone and makes you cry and he’s absolutely spot on so that when you hear it, what happens on screen just shatters your heart. The soundtrack is woven into the storyline so deeply that the lyrics are used, the melody is used to trigger Oh-aew’s memories at one point and the pretend source of the main song, Skyline, is directly linked to not only the idea of learning Chinese and what that means for them both as characters and as a pair but two of the main themes of the season, ambition and identity! 

The cinematography. Christ on a bike. I could write essays. I am a sucker for meaningful camera work, stuff that does half of the storytelling for you and I cannot praise this more highly other than to say it’s close to perfect. Some moments are so absolutely mesmerising and meaningful that a simple movement or a simple peek at something means a LOT. I’m going to have to write a whole damn post on some of my favourite moments because I can count on one hand the shows/movies of late that I’ve seen that achieve what this show does with camera work, directorial choices and general approach to non-verbal story telling. The level of thought and detail and using a camera in a creative and loving way... I found it so moving and so beautiful the way you could feel the level of consideration that went into the smallest moments, how entire moments of character development were done silently…

The use of metaphor. Anyone who knows me knows I am absolutely WEAK for this stuff. If a good complex emotion or concept can be developed in a way other than with words then I am yours… I will read into everything, enjoy every clever reference and revel in the use of colour or light or sound or motif. This show was a gift in that sense. I’m going to end up writing posts about stuff like the use of colour and the hibiscus flower and coconuts and the use of Chinese words. Again, some moments were so genuinely beautifully done and unexpected that I was like a kid in a sweetshop and was a little swoony over them. There are some moments when the Chinese phrases/words are used through their tutoring in a way to sum up the character’s feelings, moments are built up to by establishing motifs that, when used to their conclusion make for the most BEAUTIFUL or gut wrenching moments. The hibiscus flower scene/colouring in may  be one of my most favourite scenes in the whole show and I just smile thinking of how wonderfully it was developed.

Another thing I truly adored was how I genuinely loved every single character. There’s no demonisation, no discarding of characters at the expense of others (especially as I hate when women in movies are treated this way when there’s no reason to), no characters who are used as scapegoats. If anything, you come out adoring the characters who traditionally “get in the way” of a pairing because, well, they don’t. They don’t feel in the way or an annoyance. They feel genuine and lovely and you root for them. That’s a really really kind way to treat your characters but, above anything, it’s just lovely to see that much consideration given to characters to treat them all as humans. I get a little sick of seeing ‘bad guys’, you know? I like flawed, messy but human people. Hoon as a big brother is so understated but when he appears and when it matters, some of his moments are so genuinely emotional it’s amazing how they allow him to be a typical brother, kinda dismissive and teasing his younger sibling but then he’s THERE and really fully there for his brother in some truly significant moments. It felt so earned for me and goodness, one moment kills me when Teh is full on in the middle of a family fight, sobbing and confused and in a room of them all, Hoon goes directly to his brother and the simple way it happens had me in bits. Apparently, that was an improvised scene too so it makes it a little special.

The ending. Any LGBT+ soul out there knows the pain of watching another miserable ending and, don’t get me wrong, I’m ALL FOR endings where you don’t necessarily get what you WANT but only ones that make sense and are earned so they make you think or realise you don’t NEED what you want etc. BUT also want happiness and hope and love and watching LGBT+ characters thrive. Not to spoil, but they treat these two very well by the end… you just have to make your way through a box of tissues first!

So yeah, it was alright. Hahahaha. I genuinely think it’s a masterpiece. I feel the love and care that went into it, the time taken to consider and think and find ways to say a LOT by saying very LITTLE. I feel the commitment to LGBT+ media, little nods to other shows/moments… I feel their wish to be original and to try to make new characters feel fresh and unseen. I just adored it and I’m so grateful it exists because as a piece of art, when you finish it and can write legit essays (and I’ve seen posts other people have written and I’m in NO WAY the only one here) then you know you’ve done something kinda special! So that’s me, getting my whole bunch of nonsense down… and now I can make specific posts and ramble a whole bunch more! Mwahaha.

[nettlestonenell]

Armie Hammer wants a sequel to The Man From U.N.C.L.E.—shouldn’t you?

This post is a long time in coming, Gentle Readers and @jammeke​, but now, though it might be here, before your very eyes, to think it will be well-laid out would be a mistake. It’s set to be just about as messy as Ilya’s misplaced loyalties and murky motivations.

How dare!

I probably first watched this film well over a year ago (courtesy @jammeke​ posting things about it). I used Sling OnDemand (I think on TNT). In the ensuing viewings I also watched it in that way, but as I was sitting down for a fourth(?) viewing, it kept coming to me that I was tired of watching it with commercials I couldn’t skip, and I had a sneaking suspicion that it had been edited for time and I was missing out on scenes. [pointless aside: I was also watching the film in chunks, and never as a whole]

Where is she now? What’s the time stamp? How far along did she get? Are you shagging the hotel hostess yet?

So, I, uh, set out to buy it on DVD—without any luck! In the sense that copies I could find cost more (w/ shipping) than buying it to stream. So, I bought it to stream on Amazon. Do I regret my choice, Gentle Readers? No, no I don’t. I do regret burden of knowledge in learning that TNT was already playing the entirety of the film. That was a hard pill to swallow.

Nope, I’ve looked. That’s absolutely everything. Nothing additional lurking around here...

So here it is, as it is, @jammeke, “My Notes on The Man from U.N.C.L.E.”

Look, I don’t know what this film is. I probably can’t fully articulate its appeal. Or maybe I can--certainly after transcribing four page I’ve tried. Number One thing to know about me and fiction/films is that a top draw for me is seeing something out of the ordinary, such as beautiful locations, a historical era, delicious costumes. There are times, frankly, this can trump weak story and undefined character for me. (The best films, of course, combine all three) Certainly, The Man... delivers in the delight of the eyes. Additionally, I must confess that growing up as a person older than @reblogginhood​ but younger than Miss Fisher, so much of what was on TV was essentially reruns of this film’s iconic Look(tm). So, when I see women dressed like Gaby I am just another three-to-seven-year-old overcome with the drop dead glamour of it all.

Darling, tell me how you really feel...

Some questions I have:

·         IS Armie Hammer a hulk of a man? Everyone in this film seems to think so, yet he always tracks to me as trim (rather than hulking)

·         Why translate via captions some Russian speaking, but not all?

·         IS Napoleon’s backstory directly cribbed from USA’s White Collar?

·         DOES Gaby have a German accent?

·         Does Ilya get preternaturally attached to all the people he’s ordered to look after? Also, what is his bonding rate with kittens?

Sorry, wrong iteration. 

 ·         If Lady Villain knows the lens is wrong—if her technical understanding is that in-depth--does she really need Gaby’s dad to make the bomb?

·         How old was Gaby during the war?

·         What happens when Ilya gets a NEW puppy assigned to him? (please let this be addressed in film #2)

Hooray for:

·         That bathroom fight! *all the Burn Notice feels!

·         Gaby is her own lady, and chooses sides as necessary—not always unilateral in her support for either male character. Case in point: she sides with Ilya over the clothes, and Napoleon over the incident of the wallet.

·         That delicious (speaking as Rusty, here) Ocean’s 11-stylized action. It’s pretty, so I’m not bored with it. Sometimes a sandwiched montage gets shown, so I’m REALLY not bored. I’ve got 18 tiny moving boxes of things to look at!

·         Pinkie rings. There, you’ve told me everything I need to know about that character.

·         Solo in a beret. English has not yet found a word for the feeling it evoked in this viewer. Somewhere between ‘precious’ and ‘oh, no’.

See, there? Now you’ve felt it too.

·         Goggles! All the accessories! Dune Buggies! (I mean, that’s what I’m calling Napoleon’s chase-scene ride)

Things I adore:

·         It seems (after some research) that more than a few folks view Gaby as a third wheel, and though she’s not exactly a Princess Leia commandeering her own rescue and exuding competence and a deserved take-charge-attitude at every corner, she IS a foci for both male characters (though romantically it would seem only for one), just as Ilya is a foci for both her and Napoleon [no one seems to worry about Napoleon, though they should--film #2, anyone?]

·         Mechanic Gaby not needing a beauty makeover, or being dragged into one. She gets some nice clothes, but it’s never suggested that she’s not attractive or acceptable before putting them on, and I respect, nay, embrace it.

Oh, my heart. She’s still not as tall as them!

·         Ilya, drab pigeon Ilya, knowing fashion

·         Oh man, don’t even get me started on the power of the statement, “it doesn’t have to match”

·         You knew it was coming on this sublist: the wrestle-fight. I mean, c’mon. Poor little Gaby, locked behind the Iron Curtain, living a life of always being watched. She’s in the swankest hotel (I mean, Napoleon chose it, so we can be sure it’s swank with an E). She’s trying to celebrate her freedom, her liberation. She’s playing verboten music, she’s drinking to excess. Girl wants—and deserves—a party. And Ilya is…not built for that (that he knows of). For some fun, just imagine if she had been given Napoleon to room with instead.

                            o   I will say that this scene, and some of their other interactions have what I would call early (non-sibling) Luke and Leia energy. Ilya seems to have moments of being struck by Gaby in a way Luke is struck by Leia in the early part of the trilogy. When Leia takes charge, and Luke accepts it. When Leia does something incredible, and Luke is left open-mouthed. *no, I don’t see OT Star Wars in everything. Shut up.

·         “He fixed the glitch.”

·         Again, shout-out to the non-action action.

·         “I left my jacket in there.”

·         The whole race to rescue Gaby I am in love with beyond words. [I have noted it as “Crazy Jeep Drive with Warhead!”] Probably b/c it comes across as totally egalitarian. Both men want her rescued. They’re no longer in competition. It’s just as important to Napoleon as it is to Ilya to catch up to her. Also, it is bonkers, like some sort of X-games version of a commercial for the vehicles they’re driving. And screaming Willie Scott does not make an appearance.

         Someone says “winkle” out.

·         Look! Another note about the screen divisions and how I love it, shout-outs to the original Steve McQueen The Thomas Crown Affair (a contemporary of when this movie is meant to be set), and TV’s 24.

Things that get a great, big NOPE:

·         Jerrod Harris: you’ve been in so much streamable content in the last decade I can’t hate you, but frankly, you’re terrible here—unless you’re supposed to be giving a mannered, not-campy-enough-to-be-enjoyable performance here. Your American English puts me in the mind of Alex Hawaii 5-0′Loughlin where it feels you’re concentrating so hard on your accent that you fail to convince anyone that you’re a harried, over-worked and exasperated spy handler. Your performance is at odds with every bit of dialogue you’re given to say.

·         That awful, mishandled title that doesn’t even connect to the film until the final moments (a sequel set-up, for sure)

·         Look, you don’t introduce Hugh Grant casually mid-way through your film in a throwaway appearance. I mean, he’s HUGH GRANT we all know something’s up now.

·         This is not exactly a great big NOPE, b/c I love a flat cap, Tommy Shelby—but I feel like a less tall man with a far rounder face in a flat cap would track more as Russian to me that AH does. To me, he just looks like he’s about to go golfing.

Over par? Unacceptable!

·         Is Victoria a British-accented Italian? A British woman who married—what? Gaby’s uncle isn’t Italian!? An Italian who went to school in Britain? My head hurts. Also, is her hair meant to be unconvincingly bleached?

Other commentary:

·         Napoleon’s adult ne’er-do-well backstory is so far from being emotionally equivalent to Ilya’s childhood trauma [and his enslavement to the USSR] it seems bestial when he calls it out on multiple occasions. Badly done, Solo.

·         Gaby is the film’s key (sorry, Buffy fans). Everyone is connected to her. Yes, she could have been given a bit more on the character front, but I don’t see her as as much of a flaw in the film as some others/reviewers seem to.

·         Look, essentially (and not very nuanced-ly), Ilya is a stalker. I think the film goes a certain distance in establishing that his early behavior toward Gaby is not normal, but concurrently it does not truly call him out on it. He’s essentially viewed as an odd-duck, sure, but not a true threat to her (should she not reciprocate or tolerate his intensity toward her). I think I might be able to cite his behavior when Gaby comes on to him (that he doesn’t jump at a chance with her) that maybe he’s given a little more nuance than a straight-on stalker, and it helps that he and Napoleon never get into a pissing match over Gaby’s person, only over her new clothes. But overall the film has to walk a fine line (and the jury is still out on how successful it is, I’d say) between playing Ilya’s laser-like attention to Gaby for its humor, and calling it out for the unsettling, threatening behavior it is.

·         Honestly, it wasn’t until I engaged the Closed Captioning that I understood Napoleon was calling Ilya the ‘Red Peril’. So, that was nearly three viewings in.

·         I give the screen credits A+, on both ends. Not to mention the end credits are actually INTERESTING with lots to see and learn! (Certainly we learn more about HG in them than we do at any time during the film)

Things I would have liked:

·         More of fish-out-of-the-Iron-Curtain Gaby moments

·         A better dichotomy shown of East vs. West Berlin/Germany. There’s nothing easy either visually or otherwise to distinguish the two.

·         HC being given a more specific American accent (from an actual locality). This, for an American viewer, works better than the flat, unlocated American accent many a British actor will bust out. *Mind you, HC does a generally good job, but he fails utterly on both “Immediate” which he pronounces at least twice as “immeedeejt” [rather than imm-E-deeot] and “Nazi” as “NAHT-zee” [rather than “NOT-zee”]. And let’s not get started on that late in the film use of ‘earnt’, a word that—well, it’s just not in the American English twentieth century lexicon.

·         C’mon. You gotta tease the Hugh Grant more.

·         Solo is a blank before the war. I’ve read thoughts on the film calling out Gaby as the blank character, but they’re wrong. Solo is the blank. He’s the ‘made’ man, his identity seemingly assembled during the war and after. For example, he doesn’t go into the war a thief, nor (it would seem) a particularly educated or urbane individual. Now THAT’s a juicy backstory I’d love to learn about, perhaps in film #2--or #3? What creates a Napoleon Solo? What would he be doing if he weren’t on the government’s leash/incarcerated? Is anyone left caring about him back wherever he calls home? I mean, who doesn’t love a gender-flipped 60s-era Holly Golightly backstory? [And yes, I would love there to be an ex-wife or even a current wife mixed up in his origins as well—Guy Ritchie, call me!]

Notes I have that I’m not sure if they still make sense to me:

·         Only mom calls me Napoleon (do he say it ‘mum’?) Is he a secret Canadian?

·         Solo’s torture, 1st view recall Napoleon’s childhood? *I think this means that after watching the first time I somehow erroneously believed that during the torture Napoleon’s childhood was a topic gone over. This was wrong. HOWEVER, this would have made far more story-sense than the backstory we’re given on an easily disposeable villain.

·         “Even the average Russian agent. You’re special.” ?

·         Uncle is Baddie (*so glad I made this note to myself)

·         Ilya’s dad IS an embarrassment. I’m not sure what genius commentary I had in my mind, here. Perhaps that Ilya himself is embarrassed of him? Not just Ilya’s handler’s? [Also, aside: Napoleon totally slut-shames Ilya’s mom, which is the doublest of double standards from ‘I got myself the biggest and most ornate suite b/c I-wanted-plenty-of-space-for-my-random-seductions’ and I really wish Ilya had thrown that back in his face] *yes, of course I know that Ilya and Napoleon would not likely equate a wife/mother’s sexual exploits with that of Solo’s, but let’s be honest, this film tweaks the nose of (I won’t say reverses, it doesn’t go that far) plenty of tropes and gender expectations, and this certainly seems like a missed opportunity to call Solo on the carpet (which I hope film #2 does far more)

Things I wrote down so long ago I don’t recall what they mean:

·         CC-save

In conclusion:

What does film #2 look like? What title does it get? Will the Peter/Neil White Collar dynamic continue to grow? *note that I have no confidence a second film will ever come to pass...

In the end, all I know is, “It didn't help when American Tom Cruise, who was slated to play U.S. spy Napoleon Solo, dropped out, prompting the casting of Cavill (who had previously read for the Russian role).“ I would not have watched that film.

[kittycataes]

Tier Ranking “Friends” Characters (Part 1/3)

This is going to be an extremely long post haha

Let’s start at the bottom- 

“Whomst”: is characters that I couldn’t really recognize right away. Like maybe I remember that character’s story arc, but that doesn’t mean I feel any certain way about them. FORGETTABLE. WHOMST? NEXT!

“i hate you”: these are characters I have such negative feels for, they deserve something worse than an F.  -  Starting off with Dr. Geller himself. There’s so much misogyny in this man... if it weren’t for David Schwimmer’s excellent facial expressions and hilarious slapstick comedy, I would’ve made a separate row for him to be exiled forever. However David Schwimmer is a great actor and we stan his acting choices. -  Next is Dr. Greene, Rachel’s dad. I hate men who force their power over others through loud, aggressive, intimidation that reeks with the threat of violence. And this mother fucker does all those things on top of openly ridiculing his daughter.  -  Barry the orthodonist. He’s a snake for cheating on Rachel with Mindy. And he’s a snake squared for then cheating on Mindy with Rachel.  -  Cop character... Whose name I forget. ACAB, you creep. Stop using your access of information as a tool for strong-arming women into dating you. -  Rachel’s sister. She’s just stupid and vain and annoying, and extremely disrespectful.  - That Angry Guy. *See Dr. Greene notes* - Kip. This guy is creepy too... He like stalks Joey and is just overall very weird. - Ben. I love the Sprouse twins. But I did not care for Ben becoming a character on the show.  - Alec Baldwin/Positive Guy. I hate him becuase I think he was a stupid character but I don’t hate him as much as I hate the angry characters for sure, he’s just a dude high on life. - Chandler’s boss. I don’t like that he slaps his employees on the butt. I don’t care if they like it. It’s weird. I wish we could all just hi-five or hug normally 😂

“i wish we saw more of u”: these are characters I thought were really interesting and maybe they were in a few episodes, but they didn’t really get their own story arc with the gang. And while I do like them, there’s nothing spectacular about them.  -  Hot but messy bug Lady. I loved this character and I wish she had an arc with Ross about teaching him how to compromise more and grow together a bit. She was so pretty and funny, I wish they let her stick around. - Rachel’s mom. I loved this lady. I love that she divorced Rachel’s awful dad, and she seems like a fun-loving gal! I wish the best for her. And I wish we got a few more episodes of her, so we could see her living her best single life.

“LIFE CHANGING”: these characters are recurring/one-off characters who really buttered my breadroll. I feel like each of these characters helped shape me in someway, even if it’s just a little! -  Joanna, Rachel’s boss at Bloomingdales. This is the only character from my childhood/adolescence that I remeber being a Boss Lady who was independent, but still flawed and silly and goofy and sexy. This was my first view of what kinky sex could look like and it intrigued me and aroused me terribly. To this day I love office and bondage scenes! -  Susan, Carol’s Lesbian lover and hot-wife extradornaire. When I was younger and still believed Ross was a redeemable character (read: my critical thinking skills hadn’t start yet developing) I didn’t like Susan and her condescending tone. Now, I love her for making fun of Ross in a way that still manages to be respectful to her son’s Father, but points out his obvious prejudice. You could say she puts Ross in his place, and is kind of a ball-buster. I love that attitude and I find her extremely attractive <3  - Kathy, Joey and Chandler’s ex-girlfriend. From the moment I laid eyes on Paget Brewster, I knew I wasn’t 100% straight. I deeply deeply sympathized with Chandler falling in love with her, and the scene where she cuts his hair is so iconic- the actors’ chemistry is palpable!  - Julie, Ross’s ex-girlfriend. I love Julie first and foremost for existing. A pretty, smart, and likeable Asian American girl. I felt she had such strong big-sister energy when I was little, and I liked that even though Rachel didn’t like her (and she kinda knew) it didn’t shake her confidence. She had that difficult convo with such grace and maturity, it ws refreshing to see after so many episodes of immature Ross/Rachel shenanigans. - Janine, Joey’s ex-roommate. Janine was cool and nice, and she was so effortlessly glamorous. I liked that she was a kind character, who never judged Joey or belittled him. And through Joey I felt I was able to have an outlet for my growing realization that I wasn’t straight. - Chandler’s dad, the drag queen. This was one of my first exposures to drag, and I loved how composed/poised Chandler’s dad was even when it was clear his son and ex-wife disproved of her life choices. Also Chandler’s dad was played by a woman and therefore I headcanon her to be trans :3c -  Dr. Richard Burke. Tom Selleck is arguably one of, if not, the most beautiful man in the world. That plus his character was so sweet and silly and loving, and he treated Monica right and respected her relationship with Chandler. And I just loved their story arc, especially when they try to get back together the second time. I LIVE for the YEARNING in that arc. Great performances from Selleck and Cox ❤️ - Paul Stevens, the love machine. God. This character/arc is so stupid haha. I feel like you can tell Friends as a show has been going off the rails and at this point, it’s very clear. Like Ross fucking a student who also happens to be Rachel’s boyfriend’s daughter? Crazy. He’s mainly up here because of the silly mirror dance he does, I just love that. - Pete Becker, Iron-man in training. Before all the UFC stuff made him kinda go nuts, I really liked Pete. I liked how he was successful, impressive, focused, determined, etc. etc. I kinda wanted to be him when I grew up- just a laid-back baller travelling overseas on a whim and following his wildest dream. A more modern look on Pete reveals more problematic issues, but name one Friends character that isn’t problematic haha.

[hazzabeeforlou]

Digging Deeper

Thanks @alienfuckeronmain for the tag, this I’ve loved reading everyone’s, and I tag @taintedlav @rahashirley @raisemybody @twopoppies @cuethetommo @metal-eye and @seasurfacefullofclouds1 if anyone wants to play!! 

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or blue pen? ink color matters less than ball-point-ness... 

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or city? I want a witch’s cottage with a giant messy garden on the edge of the moors and a forest a million miles away from everyone. So country. 

3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? I’ve actually stretched myself this summer! Am learning French and guitar, and idk if it counts but learning my new job which I NEVER thought I could handle lol since I’ve never worked retail 

4. Do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? Honey ;)

5. What was your favourite book as a child? Well I have to say Narnia and Redwall, but when I was very tiny I loved this book about a girls who could whistle and speak to animals (named Mable) and the Velveteen Rabbit, and a book called “The Lost Princess” which is fucking amazing, by the precursor to CS Lewis, George MacDonald

6. Do you prefer baths or showers? I usually take showers because baths take too much time. Also baths are romantic and that makes me sad, and also I have to look at my body which, ug, not prepared to do that all the time rip

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would it be? Mer. Fucking. Maid. Though I’ve always wanted to fly too, I used to spend HOURS in the water just underwater swimming with my legs stuck together just pretending to be on ocean adventures

8. Paper or electronic books? I usually much prefer paper, but since I got these blue light blocking glasses I am finding i’m fine either way physically. Soul-wise though, yeah, paper

9. What is your favourite item of clothing? Probably my mango colored crop hoodie that I once smashed melting frozen blueberries on and then spent hours and days getting the stains out...

10. Do you like your name or would you like to change it? My real name is super boring and typical, though I do like it. I enjoy my tumblr name a lot, Toni, and it feels more genderless and constrictive than my actual name lol

11. Who is a mentor to you? I’ve had so many great teachers, but the biggest lesson I’ve learned in life is that so many you admire can be deeply flawed. I have lots of trust issues. I only take advice from a select few people, and they don’t include anyone ‘old and wise’ lol 

12. Would you like to be famous and if so, what for? Oh for sure, I used to want to be an actress or a rock star or whatever. Famous author. I would fucking LOVE to have a platform and help people and cheer people up and see people grocery shopping and have instant friends. I know that sounds terribly naive but I’ve said before I share a lot of Harry’s personality, and I just love flirting with people and smiling with them and giving hugs. Now, I would want to be famous as TONI me and not real me, because then I could never be myself because my fam would find out rip

13. Are you a restless sleeper? Depends on my mattress. Currently, yes, ugg. I wake up in an omega nesting scene from a fic every morning

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic person? Unfortunately yes. 

15. Which element best represents you? idk I usually say fire but I’m feeling more water lately 

16. Who do you want to be closer to? I’m working on getting to know my amazing sister better, and that’s been lovely.  

17. Do you miss someone at the moment? All my friends have been long distance for actual years, so i don’t miss anymore more than normal. I am missing just... the POTENTIAL for someone. This indefinite distancing is wearing on me. 

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. I was like two or three, and we were out on a full moon walk and I was in my stroller in the red sheepskin bundled up, and I remember coming up our sidewalk and looking at the world and moon and thinking, “remember this moment, or you’re going to grow up and forget how wonderful it was.” Also when I was five I had a breakdown on my mom’s lap because “I’m going to grow up and be too big to be sung lullabies to!” and I didn’t want anything to change EVER  

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? I used to make a concoction of rye crackers, mustard, and pickles. Don’t ask

20. What are you most thankful for? all the opportunities I’ve had in life. I’m so massively privileged 

21. Do you like spicy food? depends on how hot

22. Have you ever met someone famous? I saw a few celebs in NYC, Shosh from Girls, the guy from Monk, Tim Gun, John Oliver (and his golden retriever) and I passed a drunk as a skin Alec Baldwin outside Lincoln Center one day. Probably other people I didn’t recognize. Oh and S**** M***** rented my instrument right before covid hit here, and drunk him (or high him) couldn’t believe he had a h*** to play around on, and then I saw him staring at mountains being the most stereotypical rich white boy ever, also he did not send out gay vibes but don’t let that stop your Shiall, please don’t let it  

23. Do you do you keep a diary or journal? I almost always start with the new year and do like. A day. And then forget. 

24. Do you prefer to use a pen or a pencil? PEN

25. What is your star sign? Aries sun, Aquarius moon, Pisces rising

26. Do you like your cereal soggy or crunchy? Depends on the cereal, those golden grams were BEST thoroughly soaked in milk fight me 

27. What would you want your legacy to be? make the world a little better 

28. Do you like reading, what was the last book you read? Yes but you know, i’m the worst at making time for it. Still getting through that Brief Interviews with Hideous Men or whatever it is

29. How do you show someone you love them? Just thinking of them and doing little things to surprise them, I think

30. Do you like ice in your drinks? Yep the smaller and more crush friendly the better 

31. What are you afraid of? I really do not. like. limb loss. no horror movies for me EVER

32. What is your favourite scent? wet Labrador because it means there’s a WET LABRADOR

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname? surname always unless I’ve always known them by firsts. Religion, man

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? I have this dream of buying up all the land shitty developers snatch up in this country and ceding it back to its rightful owners. I’ve legit cried over little forests turned into parking lots, thanks Joni Mitchell 

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? pools are so clean and have no sharks or jellyfish. that said, they also have no waves... 

36. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground? turn it into the store it was closest to. I’m the lawful good box and yes I hate it

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? YES in Breckenridge one year I saw a fucking meteor shower! I’ve wished on some, they’ve never come true I don’t think. 

38. What is the one thing you would want to teach your children? I’m too scared to have children even if I could (I can’t) because of the pressure of what would fuck them up and what wouldn’t 

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? I love my baby tat @alienfuckeronmain gave me, idk if I’d want another one someday, maybe a sister tat with my sis

40. What can you hear now? The fan, my typing, my parents watching old TV shows

41. Where do you feel the safest? With a pet outside in nature somewhere

42. What is the one thing you want to overcome/conquer? putting limits on things /myself/people

43. Of you could travel back to any era, what would it be? You know I used to really DREAM about this shit, but since I realized I would have genetically DIED in any other era, and that my dreaming was a literal result of white privilege since it would fucking SUCK to be anyone else (I mean even now it’s awful wtf) I just. Stick with the present. 

44. What is your most used emoji? the laughing face. oops. 

45. Describe yourself using one word. Supercalifragelisticexpialidocious

46. What do you regret the most? I have so many. social. anxiety. nightmares from my 28 years of life that haunt me

47. Last movie you saw? l think it was the Downton Abbey movie? 

48. Last tv show you watched? Monk 

49. Invent a word and it’s meaning. Surplumn. a really divinely wonderful thing, like ‘oh her lips are surplumn’ like a juicy chocolate mousse and perky breasts idk 

[dyadsaber]

A New Reylo Shipper Reads the TFA Novelization Part 4: In Which I Refuse to Believe that the Han and Leia I’ve Known Since I was Eight are That Awful at Parenting or Relationships, and I Have Feelings About a Scene With Rey in a Chair

Full disclosure: I am an old fan.  I saw Star Wars for the first time in 1989 because my mom took me to see Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade in theaters, I thought Indy was the Best Thing Ever, and mom decided I was old enough for Star Wars, too. I was 8.  I saw Phantom Menace in theaters the month before I graduated from high school. So I’ve had ideas about what Han and Leia are like as people for the vast majority of my life. 

I have spent a lot of time and mental energy trying to wrap my brain around the way that Han and Leia and Luke act and make choices in the sequel trilogy so that I can enjoy the things that I actually LIKE about the sequels. (And I like a lot, or I wouldn’t have a Reylo blog or be writing about this novelization.) Some of it, I can come up with explanations for.  They are sad explanations, but I can get my brain to buy them instead of screaming THIS PERSON WOULD NOT DO THAT. But the way that this novelization was going to have Han and Leia talk about Ben’s fall to the Dark Side in the scene where they meet up again is NOT ONE OF THEM. 

OH YE GODS THIS MAKES ME SO ANGRY. (I’m going to swear a lot below…) 

When Han and Leia see each other again, we find out how long it’s been since they’ve seen each other… 

Husband and wife stood regarding each other for the first time in years.

YEARS? Really? My first question when I read this was, how many years? Apparently, various supplemental timelines reveal it has supposedly only been seven years since Ben turned to the Dark Side and Luke’s temple was destroyed, which means Ben was, what, twenty three when shit went down? I have issues with this as well. All of the other clues we’re given point to him being younger. This is a glaring example of “no one cared about these characters as much as the fans did and so people weren’t careful with the timeline.” 

Getting back to the issue of Han and Leia not seeing each other for… an unspecified at this point number of years, I get that what happened was traumatic. I get that it probably took a toll on their relationship, but having Han just say “screw it” and fuck off with Chewie, and Leia just… keep on keeping on has always smacked of lazy writing to me. It feels like Abrams didn’t want to have to DEAL with the messy questions about how Han and Leia would be with each other if they had STAYED TOGETHER and dealt, sometimes well, sometimes poorly, with the loss of their son.  So he was just like, “NOPE THEY SPLIT UP ISN’T IT SAD?” And it IS SAD, but the Han who CAME BACK even when there was no reward in it for him, whose last words before being FROZEN IN CARBONITE were “I LOVE YOU,” and the Leia who WALKED INTO JABBA’S PALACE TO GET HIM BACK would not be like this.  I can see them trying to work through their grief together, and then Han just needing to get away for a while, or them agreeing to focus their efforts on finding their son and turn him back in the areas where they each most likely to have an effect, BUT NO. They just… split, and we don’t even get a lot of backstory about exactly how that went so we can understand the emotional arc for these characters. DUMB. I CALL BULLSHIT. 

And speaking of HORSESHIT CHARACTER ASSASSINATIONS…. Here’s some extra stuff Han says that wasn’t on screen. 

“He’s gone, Leia. He was always drawn to the dark side. There was nothing we could’ve done to stop it, no matter how hard we tried.”

This is longer than what he says on screen. His line here in the film is “We lost our son. Forever.” And the longer version pisses me off SO MUCH. How would HAN know he was always drawn to the Dark Side, unless Luke and Leia were TELLING HIM that’s what was happening? (Possible, but this doesn’t read like Han reminding Leia of things she told him already, and I don’t like what that theory says about Luke and Leia making Han afraid of his own kid.) 

I know on-screen Han says something about “even Luke couldn’t help him,” the stuff about THERE IS NOTHING WE COULD HAVE DONE just makes me FURIOUS. Is this supposed to be COMFORTING to Leia? Like, “Well, we did our best and it’s not our fault he turned because that was always gonna happen”?  WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK. Han is not that much of a fatalist.  He tries to tell himself that Ben is gone for good NOW, which is understandable, but “there’s NOTHING WE COULD HAVE DONE IT WAS ALWAYS HOPELESS?” No. Get out of my house if you’re talking that level of shit about Han. 

And then there’s THIS CRAP ABOUT LEIA, AND I’M GONNA BLOW A GASKET LOOKING AT ALL OF THIS AGAIN. 

So, when Leia says “it was Snoke” in the film, Han doesn’t react much, and to me, that scene on screen reads like Leia is reminding Han of something they both already know, but in the novel, she apparently… just… never mentioned Snoke to Han, and she KNEW ABOUT HIM ALL ALONG? 

“Snoke?” She nodded. “He knew our child would be strong with the Force. That he was born with equal potential for good or evil.” “You knew this from the beginning? Why didn’t you tell me?” She sighed. “Many reasons. I was hoping that I was wrong, that it wasn’t true. I hoped I could sway him, turn him away from the dark side, without having to involve you.” A small smile appeared. “You had—you have—wonderful qualities, Han, but patience and understanding were never among them. I was afraid that your reactions would only drive him farther to the dark side. I thought I could shield him from Snoke’s influence and you from what was happening.” Her voice dropped. “It’s clear now that I was wrong. Whether your involvement would have made a difference, we’ll never know.”

So you are telling me that LEIA FUCKING ORGANA had a CHILD with a man (and married him? Are the new canon ones even married? Does it even matter? IT DOES TO ME.) and then hid a REALLY IMPORTANT FACT ABOUT THEIR SON from that man because she thought… Han was too impatient? And she thought he wouldn’t be able to handle it and would make it worse? And so she just… hid it from both of them and tried to deal with it on her own? The more I think about this, the angrier it makes me.  

One of the things I love about Star Wars is how much we get to see characters leaning on each other, both physically and metaphorically, and being part of a team that supports each other.  It’s one of the reasons I hate the way that the sequels separate people and have characters that have spent their whole arcs looking for connection ending up on screen alone at the end. (I know Rey’s not staying on Tattooine, but the fact that the last time we see her, she’s by herself was a choice that makes me mad.) ANYWAY… The idea of Leia deciding she has to struggle with this BY HERSELF (and maybe with Luke? Who even knows?) and ON PURPOSE cutting Han out of the loop entirely is just… stunningly out of character. It’s another one of those writing decisions that makes for good angst and terrible characterization if you know ANYTHING about Leia, in my opinion. 

And I refuse to believe that this next line is anything other than a need for this information to be gotten across to the audience in an extra clear way.  This is Han’s response to all of the above, I think. 

He had trouble believing what he was hearing. “So Snoke was watching our son.”

So this confirms it. THIS is DEFINITELY the first time Leia even MENTIONS Snoke manipulating their kid to Han. The implication here is that after Ben turned, Leia let Han roam around the galaxy for seven years,  BY HIMSELF, NOT KNOWING THAT THEIR KID HAD BEEN FUCKED WITH BY AN EVIL DESSICATED PICKLE? SHE LET HIM KEEP THINKING THAT BEN’S TURN WAS JUST BECAUSE THERE WAS SOMETHING INNATELY WRONG WITH BEN AND NOTHING MORE? DUMB. Canon not accepted.

I need to go watch this scene in TFA, with all of its flaws, to cleanse my brain of this stupidity. 

Oh… one last thing that is not nearly so rage inducing, but gets to one of the things that annoys me about the prequels. (This is a little later when Han is leaving.) 

He put his hands on her shoulders, and thirty years fell away in an instant. “Leia, there’s something I’ve been wanting to say to you for a long time.” Fighting to hold back tears, she put a finger to his lips. “Tell me when you get back.”

On the one hand this is kind of sweet, but on the other LET HAN SAY I LOVE YOU, ABRAMS YOU TEASE.  Let Leia say “I know.”  You LOVE cheap callbacks to the original trilogy, and this wouldn’t have even been a cheap callback because it would have made sense for the moment and the characters. I would have bought it. I would have paid a high price for it.  I’m tired of characters not telling each other things (FINN IN THE LAST MOVIE OMG).  I know it’s a way to up the tension, but it just reads as lazy writing here to me, especially now that I know that this is the last time we get to see them speak to each other, and there’s really no REASON she shouldn’t let him say it. 

And now… some feelings about Rey in a chair. 

First, let’s get this out of the way… What Kylo Ren does here is NOT GOOD. Like, “this made me remember all the reasons I was so resistant to shipping them” levels of not good. But then I remembered that I’ve been fangirling over REALLY TERRIBLE PEOPLE since Jason Isaacs stepped on screen in The Patriot in theaters (Go look it up. I’m really old, ok?), and I ship pairings that hurt each other WAY more permanently than Rey and Ben do, and I got over my misgivings.  (Half of one of my OTPs canonically killed the other half in a fit of anger, and she STAYED DEAD. I still ship them because this was a stupid writing decision.)

What I think is so eerily fascinating about this whole scene, both on the page and on screen, is how… weirdly direct and honest Kylo is the whole time. And it’s not just honesty (but I’m going to scream about that a lot), it’s… how careful (for him) he is with her. 

So I knew this was going to be a ride of a scene when the very first time he talks from Rey’s PoV, we get… 

“In Kylo Ren’s voice there was unexpected gentleness.”

Was it also understanding and tall? (That will never stop being funny to me… sorry.) 

And THEN, when she asks about her friends, he’s like (paraphrasing here) “Well I COULD tell you they all died…” 

“But I would prefer to be honest with you from the beginning. You will be relieved to hear that as far as their current status and well-being is concerned—I have no idea.”

This matters a lot to me.  And it solidified my belief that he THOUGHT he was telling her the truth about her parents in TLJ when he said they were “nothing” and that they abandoned her.  He MUST have been acting on an incorrect assumption that he arrogantly assumed was true because, that this is the important bit, he never knowingly lies to her...  I really wish that honesty line had made it into the film. 

And the fact that he thinks RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING that this is going to be the beginning of an ongoing relationship where he would even CARE about establishing trust… just makes me laugh at the presumption on his part, but also makes me want to be like, “Ok, so you’re kind of right but also hilariously wrong because this is NOT GOING TO GO HOW YOU THINK.” Mostly I just enjoy simmering in the dramatic irony of it all. 

And then he takes his mask off because Rey called him a creature in a mask, and that probably hurt his feelings or something.

 “In itself the narrow face that looked back at her was not remarkable. It was almost sensitive.”

And this is where I became even more convinced that… maybe casting hadn’t happened for all the parts yet?  But ADF had descriptions of types they were looking for? Because if there’s one thing that Adam’s face is pretty much ALL THE TIME, it’s sensitive (and holy crud expressive).  No almost. 

Also, if Adam had been cast, this bit: 

“If not for the intensity of his gaze, Ren could have passed for someone she might have met on the dust streets of Niima Outpost.” 

Would have read more like: “If not for the intensity of his gaze, his ridiculously good looking hair that probably took a whole team of stylist droids to maintain, and the fact that he was tall as a tauntaun, he might have passed for someone on the street.” But I digress. 

So this next line of his is from a really awful moment that should not have made me smile.  But… he’s not even angry, here. He’s just exasperated, and that fight on the Death Star they have in TRoS made this extra amusing. (Not that anyone who’s read this far is going to be on my case about this, but I know how problematic that line is! I know how problematic this whole scene is! Not an uncritical consumer of media here, just having fun reading with a shippy lens!) 

When she maintained her silence, he almost sighed. “I can take whatever I want.”

The old " Well, I guess we're doing this the hard way" sigh. I can SEE IT. 

And then, one of those unique to the novel lines that I somehow didn’t know about before reading the book that just STOPPED ME IN MY TRACKS when I got to it. 

“I would have preferred to avoid this. Despite what you may believe, it gives me no pleasure. I will go as easily as possible—but I will take what I need.”

HOW DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS. I mean on the one hand, have a “not as much of a jerk as you could have been” gold star, but on the other hand, for KYLO “I HAVE A TEMPER AND GET WHAT I WANT REN” to have the intention to tread carefully with her and to CARE enough about what she thinks about him that he SAYS IT? WOW.

Thank you for coming to my talk, “Kylo Ren ALWAYS Cares What Rey Thinks of Him: A Thesis Presentation by Me” 

So he tries to get into her brain again, and we get this: (I can’t tell whose PoV this supposed to be from. It’s Rey all around this point, but it doesn’t make sense that it would be her here, and ADF can’t hold a consistent point of view in this novel to save his life, so… it makes more sense to me that it’s Kylo’s PoV.)

“And hesitated. What was that? Something there. Something unexpected.”

Loneliness would not be unexpected. He wouldn’t be surprised by that. It makes sense that the original intent was this is Kylo sensing her ability to use the Force, but if there was ANY pre-planning of the bond at all, this would have been a moment where he’d be able to sense it.  (I now want to be directed to any and all articles of behind the scenes discussion of the bond and who first decided it was going to be A Thing.  Was that just Rian Johnson?) No matter what happened from a Doylist perspective here, what happened from the Watsonian perspective is that Kylo went fishing in his other half’s mind and stepped right into their one-in-a-million connection in the Force and was like, “WHAT IS THIS???”

So we’re going to skip over the part of Rey crying because that does terrible things to my soul that I don’t have words for. (I may ship Reylo now, but I loved Rey on her own from the second she stepped on screen in theaters.) 

This moment, though… this is so telling. 

“Rey—you’ve seen the map. It’s in there. And I am going to take it. Don’t be afraid.”

Geez this is so him. Frustratingly so. I see why they cut it for the flow of the scene and to make him scarier but WOW. “I’m going to do what I want, but YOU DON’T NEED TO BE AFRAID. Here let me comb through all of your insecurities and worst memories AGAINST YOUR WILL while you’re strapped to a table, ok? WHY ARE YOU SCARED?” 

Honestly, the fact that he even thinks for a second that “don’t be afraid” is going to be AT ALL HELPFUL OR EFFECTIVE in this situation just goes to show how… weirdly out touch with normal people he is. (“Ben Solo Learns How to Be a Person and Not Something Out of Nightmare” is a fic trope I will read and write forever.) 

Then there’s that “SOMETHING” again…

‘Ah, he thought to himself. Something there, of interest. Not the image of the map. That would take another moment. But definitely something worth investigating.”

WHAT IS THIS? It would be easy to say, “He’s just sensing her Force capabilities, or the bond,” again, but we’ve already seen him have that reaction.  This reads like he’s specifically sensing another MEMORY, but we don’t ever get what it WAS before she pushes back. (Probably reading too much into this, but OF COURSE I AM. I’ve written seventeen pages of reaction to this nonsense so far, and I show no signs of stopping.) Anyone want to put forward wildly speculative theories as to what it was? I’ll start: He’s very specifically sensing her memory of Ben falling to the Dark from TRoKR, and it’s drawing his attention because it’s a memory of HIM. 

And now for Round 1 of “Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better.”  Rey pushes back and finds herself in Kylo’s mind. 

A look of amazement replaced the fear on Rey’s face as she discovered herself inside his mind. Stunned at the realization, she found herself inexorably drawn to—to… “You,” she heard herself saying clearly, “you’re afraid.”

DRAWN TO WHAT, ADF? To his vulnerabilities? To the place in his mind that correlates to the place in hers that he went poking at? I mean, that makes sense, an it would be instance #1 of Rey replicating what Kylo did because… he’s the example of Force use she’s GOT at this point, and it makes sense that she would be unconsciously doing what he did.  (So really… he accidentally taught her a lot… just saying.) 

And finally,  just kind of love this description of caught-flat-footed Kylo Ren: 

“In the corridor, a stunned Ren found that he was breathing hard. That in itself was unsettling. He did not know what had just transpired in the holding cell and, not knowing, was left uncertain how to proceed.” 

She… raised my breathing rate? I’m???? Having??? A??? Feeling????? Or wait have I been having a feeling this WHOLE TIME AND SHE JUST POKED IT???? WHAT IS GOING ON??? What do I DOOOOOO????? Oh good a stormtrooper needs to talk to me. Time to NOT THINK ABOUT ANY OF WHAT JUST HAPPENED FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.  

Rey clearly had the one brain cell the dyad shares between them for this scene, and for a long time after. 

That was WAY longer than I meant it to be, but… thanks for reading! I’d love to know what people think.  I feel like I walked into a party late and want to talk about ALL THE THINGS people were screaming at five years ago. 

[tacittherapist]

((HS2 Spoilers under the cut!))

((For all the shit I give the epilogues, it does have its moments. Specifically highlighting this bit of dialogue here: ROXY: you think you choice mattered so much that no one elses could measure up? ROXY: n then what ROXY: did u get what u wanted? ROXY: did your life end and the points got tallied and you came out on top or like what? ROXY: still p much seems like were movin to me ROXY: and you sure dont seem like ur winnin so wheres all this good shit you got that you gotta go around handin out apologies for? ROXY: also damn dude while were at it!! ROXY: u forgot to actually say sorry in that apology! JOHN: no, i didn’t — i just meant... JOHN: i’m sorry for fucking up your life, or making it not— ROXY: i like my life!!! ROXY: i mean it aint perf and i got my share of fuckups n mistakes in there but you dont get to tell me its fucked up ROXY: or that it isnt real or somethin ROXY: its mine!

First: criticism. The writers wield this little section like a crude cudgel. They use it to underscore the weight of ‘canon’. This is the ‘candy’ timeline, so it supposedly ‘weighs less’ than the ‘meat’ timeline, but its characters still have meaningful thoughts and emotions. Here, John supposedly makes a choice that supposedly invalidates a bunch of supposedly important events, and Roxy here blows it all out of the water by claiming she made these choices too and that part of the blame rests with her in the direction her life has taken... which is total dogshit used to justify a bunch of really overt swings in character thematic. Continued here: ROXY: you wished i was one way the whole time we were married ROXY: but i wasnt ROXY: but now that youre all convinced ur the only real boy in a crowd o puppets ROXY: here i am bein me just like you ordered only i did it without your help ROXY: widen ur zoom my man!! ROXY: im not actin like this now because you want me to or bc you dont want me to ROXY: i was bad at standin up for myself then and im learnin to be good at it now ROXY: ive got my own self actualization train ROXY: ur just pullin in to one of my many roxy figures some shit out stations right as i built it JOHN: but... JOHN: you were never like that before i... ROXY: dude ROXY: where tf do u get off trying to decide what is or isnt me being “like me” enuff ROXY: do u think ppl stay the same their whole damn lives or what JOHN: you’ve really never felt like anything about our lives here was... off? ROXY: off from what exactly?? JOHN: the way things should be? ROXY: what does that mean???

Roxy here argues that there is no ‘one right way to be’ as a half-baked wink to the audience that all this gross mischaracterization is intentional and that it diverges so grossly from the established character arcs in order to demonstrate that nothing is set in stone. While technically true, this also makes for some pretty terrible writing.

Roxy was a caring, almost too involved individual before the epilogues. Her ditching Calliope for John and this messy marriage business and just letting Jane warp into a full-blown dictator makes no sense, even couched within the idea that ‘characters change.’ Yes, characters change, but there’s generally a reason for it! And not a shitty deus ex machina reason such as ‘John makes a choice!’ What even fucking happened to Candy Calliope anyway? She just fucked off somewhere? How do you sincerely throw a character away like that and then have the gall to wink at the audience as if what you’ve done makes sense? Changes in character are generally brought on by catalysts in their life! Trauma, joy, death, new settings, new ideas, events! Not... John deciding to eat a plate full of candy. If we had insight into Roxy’s thought process behind ditching Calliope and marrying John and having a kid on a whim, this might be saved. But we don’t even get a glimpse. Instead we’re pawned this shitty excuse for a very glaring departure from what we knew about Roxy. Character development is just that -- development! As in to become more complex or advanced! Roxy has made wrong choices in the past, yes, but her reasoning was laid bare in such a way that those wrong choices made sense for her to make. She then makes different decisions later because she learned from her wrong decisions. This is development! Her character is learning and changing behavior because of the things they’ve been through! Her reasoning for this awful series of bad choices is just... not explained, despite going against a ton of shit Roxy has learned. It’s slipshod. It’s careless. It’s sacrificing the tree to showcase the topper. The audience isn’t vested in this Roxy because she’s seemingly robbed of her agency, and then they’re trying to foist this idea that she somehow still has agency on us as if they didn’t preface the entire timeline with ‘well, all this shit is going to happen because we decided it and no other reason!’

Now: the praise. This bit of dialogue has huge implications for ‘non-canon’ dynamic. No, not ‘non-canon’ in the cheeky way the epilogues and HS2 claim to be ‘non-canon.’ I mean ‘non-canon’ as in this blog that I run and all the blogs that you, the reader, are writing and reading as well. Roxy’s insistence that characters change can swing the other way, too. Characters can develop in bad ways as well! Not bad as in bad writing, but bad as in flawed character reasoning! Suppose what Roxy learned from her time in HS1 was that most things can be solved by unvoiding fix-all solutions into existence? Then we might be able to see her trying to fix the human-troll-population issue by just... making more planets! Or unvoiding some sort of device trolls could wear that inhibits hivemind tendencies! That would be interesting and perhaps morbid to write about!! It would at least track with her past experiences!!! Or better yet: perhaps she actually takes a side against Jane (as she has done in the past) but instead of using their friendship as the moral plating, she went right into sarcastic arguments FOR eugenics to demonstrate how bigoted Jane was being? That’s a very Roxy thing to do!! She could have made the argument that if trolls need eugenics to suppress their violent tendencies, then so should humans! Having read about the Condesce’s eugenic practices during her formative years, this should have been fairly obvious to Roxy that what Jane was suggesting was from the same playbook, at least.

But I digress. What this bit of dialogue really does is give credence to us, the audience, in exploring these stories we’re currently writing for these pre-established characters. YES, canon Rose likely didn’t dabble so thoroughly in game magics, and she likely didn’t have as much anxiety as my Rose. BUT I prefaced my Rose’s current state with a bunch of events that make sense! She missed her rendezvous with the others! She had to float adrift, alone in a broadcast satellite, for nigh on a decade! She’s had a long fucking time to develop all these anxieties and mental illness because that’s what happens when you’re isolated for years! It is a tool I use to express my own anxieties and explore how someone might somehow overcome them! And most importantly: she’s still Rose. She has unprocessed mother issues. She cherishes her friends. She’s more than a bit gay. And she knows when the meta is using her and when it’s not, because she’s had a traumatic experience being used by Doc Scratch as a plot device. And that trauma isn’t going away (well, unless she gets therapy, but given the setting we’re writing... not likely), so she’s going to be overly cautious when it comes to big decisions involving her friends. What she’s not going to do is suddenly abandon everyone she’s departed from because uhhh Jade ate some bread the wrong way or whatever.

tl;dr: What this section of the epilogues/HS2 (well, really just this bit with Harry Andersen, Tavros, and Vrissy that is somehow more interesting than virtually EVERY OTHER PART of HS2) is telling us, the audience, is that it is good to diverge from canon. Non-canon characters will still have very real feelings and face very real consequences for their actions. Just... don’t do it like they did it. All these characters we’re writing for and all these events we’re writing around them... they’re valid! They matter! Just because they’re not canon doesn’t mean others are willing and wanting to read them, and that makes them important! Unfortunately, this also means the epilogues/HS2 are important, but let’s ignore that for now. What I’m trying to say is: be indulgent! Write the things you want to write! As long as they’re well-reasoned, they’re good writing! Characters can be overpowered! They can be cliche! They can have teenage problems as an adult! Just... give them a good reason.))

[ohtheseboysilove]

The sunflower always finds its sunlight VII [Roger Taylor x F!Reader]

Words : 4, 100 K +

Warnings : language, mention of deppression, angst, eating disorders, 

Summary :  Roger likes Reader since forever but the timing seems to just never be right for them. Reader is still haunted by her past relationship and kept rejecting Roger who know nothing about the abuses she had been victim of. After being rejected for the sixth time,  Roger thinks it’s time for him to move on…

Note : sorry it took me forever to post this chapter, this one is pretty hard but it’s important, hope you like it anyway my love !

☀ Masterlist ☀

You fell on your knees as soon as you passed the door of your bathroom, emptying the inside of your stomach, your cheeks soaking wet and your throat burning.

Donovan. You couldn’t forget the last time you saw him before he leaves for America, how mad he was when you refused to follow him. You could still feel the throbbing pain in your wrist when he twisted violently, trying to make you cave and come with him. The way he knocked out the air from your lungs when he threw you on the ground and kicked you in the ribs, shouting how much a pathetic person you were. Every of this touches, his punches, his slaps, his words which hurt as hard as he could hit...everything. Seeing him tonight just brought you six years in the past when things went down with Donovan, when you were feeling awful and vulnerable, completely lost and hopeless to get away from him.

All these efforts, sleepless nights, trying to get over him and these traumatises, everything to be swiped away in a glance in his direction. You hated the hold he still had on you.

**

It had been two months and half, seventy-five awful days of basically hiding. You were avoiding everyone, again. This was your very mature plan until Donovan go back to New York. He was here for a little over three month for meetings and stuffs for work, well that was Freddie told you over the phone. Roger called too, several times. You answered two times, telling him you were okay but needed some time alone, he was hurt, of course he was, but he didn’t push you, just accepting the fact that you and him would probably never end together. Everything in the universe was against your couple apparently.

You had spend most of your days in bed, alternating between crying and staring at the celling. Your psychologist gave you multiple sick leaves for depression. You were supposed to take medication to help you and you did it. But every time you ate something, you would go to the toilet to vomit in the same half and hour, forcing yourself to empting your stomach and all the calories your just put in you. Including these pills too. It was a vicious circle, you were feeling horrible after eating, fat and awful so you go in the toilet then regretted it deeply, knowing how bad it was for yourself and how Roger, Fred and Mary would be disappointing to see you doing that. You were suppose to be stronger than that but the presence of Donovan was making nothing but weak. The other day, you had to go to do some groceries shopping and you saw him, walking out of his hotel, just few blocks away from your place. He saw you too and smirked at you, making his way too you but you jumped in the first bus you saw, completely paranoiac about him following you to your flat. After that you didn’t put a foot out. His sick smile haunting your thoughts.

“(Y/N)!” You jumped at the sound of a yelling. You dragged yourself in the living-room, blanket around your body, even if it was the middle of summer. The noise of ferocious knocks on your front door made you shivered. Did Donovan found your place ? Was he here to pass his nerves on you like he had the habit to do before? “Please, love, open the door !”

Roger. It was just Roger. But Roger couldn’t see you right now, not in your state. You were so thin it was pretty terrifying. You looked so pale and sick, he would know right away what was going on. You had avoid him as he went in tour with the boys for two months and literally came back the week before but you always had find an excuse for not seeing him.

“Rog, I...I’m not feeling great today” You replied weakly, standing in front the door, hearing him sighing impatiently.

“The girls told me they didn’t see you for weeks, please open the door. I’m worried about you. I don’t care if you still in love with Donovan, okay ? I just want to make sure my best friend is okay” Tears gathered in your eyes at his words and you truly didn’t know what you did to deserved this man in your life.

“Please, just go” You couldn’t stand the thought of Roger seeing you so...weak. That wasn’t the person he had fallen in love with. It wasn’t you anymore.

“I’m not leaving without seeing you, (Y/N)” You stayed silent and he sighed again. “Well, you don’t leave me any choice, move away from the door” He instructed you and you furrowed your brows, lost.

“What are you going to do ?” You heard him walked away. “Rog ?”

Then suddenly a loud collision echoed across the hall of your building, making your door shake. Then followed by a yelp of pain and a stream of cursing.

“Shit! Shit! Shit! This shit hurt!” You didn’t think twice and opened the door, finding Rog with a grimace, a hand resting on his shoulder.

“Did you just try to break the door ?” You asked incredulously. “Are you okay ?”

“I’m fine” He grunted and immediately made his way inside your flat, making you swear loudly. “It always work in the movies” The drummer complained as he looked as his shoulder which was red and a bit swollen. “Idiot”

You picked up ice in the freezer and wrapped it in a dish towel before pressing it to Roger’s arm.

“It should be okay, Rocky Balboa” You teased with a soft smile, forgetting for a second your messy life. Roger tended to have this effect on you, making you forget your problems with his silliness and endless happiness, totally contagious.

The drummer chuckled slightly at your terrible joke and glanced at you, his eyes detailing every inch of your face and appearance. His smile fell at the sight of your hollow cheeks, the way your collarbones was popping out from your thin frame. You gaze fell on the floor. Weak. You felt so weak. Once again you caved to your demons, after promising your friends and yourself you wouldn’t do it again. Roger’s hands slowly pushed the blanket from your shoulders to the ground, you didn’t move in protest, letting him discover your fragile frame. You were wearing a top and a short, an old pyjama, and you felt so exposed at this moment. The blond’s gaze wasn’t invading, neither was disgusted by what he saw. It was Roger, after all, he wouldn’t make you feel like this. His large palm grabbed one of your hand, his fingers caressing your wrist, thin and looking ridiculously small in his grip. The bracelet you had on since you were a teenager was hanging too loosely on your wrist, falling until the middle of your hand. The drummer saw you in these short a good thousand of time, they would normally hugged your thighs but right now you were floating in them, they were falling on your waist and you were pulling them up in absent-mindedly gesture. They looked like they were two size bigger than what you usually wear. It broke Roger’s heart to see you like this. Again. You looked back at him, shame and guilt shinning in your eyes and Roger’s heart squeezed at your distress gaze. Like you were almost afraid of his reaction.

“Oh love...” He breathed out before wrapping you in a careful but loving embrace as you melted against him, finding yourself incredibly relieved by his reaction. You couldn’t bare any more negative emotion in your life.

“Don’t be mad, please” You whispered against his shoulder, feeling even smaller between his arms. “I know I promised you it wouldn’t happen again but I don’t know, I’m just feeling so bad these past weeks, I don’t know what is wrong with me–“

“Hey, hey, look at me” His digits gently cupped your chin, your gaze falling in his as he softly shook his head. “I’m not mad at you, never. And nothing is wrong with you. I know it’s not your fault, love but you need help, okay ? I won’t stay there and look at you destroying yourself like the other time. I never want to see you in a hospital bed again, it killed me” His voice was firm but still sweet. “Never again, (Y/N)”

“I’m so sorry” You sobbed, guilt eating you alive. You felt like you betrayed Roger, you were making him sad and worry about you again. And you were selfishly relieved to have him with you, years after years, still by your side. “I’m gonna do better, I swear”

The drummer gently walked you to the sofa, immediately pushing you back in arms when you both sat.

“I care so much about you my love, so much. I just want to be healthy and happy, that all I always wanted for you” He murmured against your head, arms wrapped back around you and you never felt so intimate with Roger than right now.

He had and could see everything in you. Every little flaws. He saw you at your best and worst like no one ever did. He was the closest person to you. Ever. He knew everything thing about you. Stupid thing like your menu at McDonald. The way you took your tea, never without honey and a drop of milk. Other stuffs only people very close to you knew. How hard the divorce of your parents affected you. How heartbroken you had been when you lost your cat after more than a decade of love. He saw you in every drunk state possible and shared most of the moment when it had happened. He held your hairs when you puked. More time than the other way. You were always the first to hear about new rhythm or songs for album. Or you had been for a while. Roger was the person who knew you the best. Except the darkest and most traumatic part of your life. He would go crazy if he knew what you hid from him for years. You felt guilty to keep that for you when you knew he practically told you everything about himself.

Roger held you for what it felt like hours. You were hanged on him like a koala to a tree, he was your safe place. His lips softly pressed a kiss on the top of your hairs, his fingers absent-mindedly brushing your upper arm. You couldn’t stop yourself to think about how everything could have been different if you would have go out with Roger rather Donovan. You wouldn’t have been so destroyed but Roger would have probably broke your heart and he would be out of your life for sure. It wouldn’t have been a good idea. The thing you regretted instead was to had run away during your and Roger’s first date. Almost three months ago. And Roger still thought you were in love with Donovan. And even with that, he was here with you, caring about you. Sometime you really hated yourself for the way you treated him.

“About last time Rog, when we saw hum Donovan, I’m sorry I ran away, I’m a horrible person–“

“No love, don’t apologise okay ? You can’t control feelings” He gave you a little smile. Sad but not bitter. He made peace with himself about your feelings. He loved you. You loved Donovan. That wasn’t the ideal for him, at all, but the only thing that matter right now for him was for you to be in his life. Even if it was just as a friend. He loved you too much to lost you over stupid feelings. And seeing you in this distress state today, it only motivated him more. You needed a supportive friend, someone to help you go through, you didn’t need drama or distraction. You needed to focus on yourself.

“Of course I need to apologise Roger, I keep breaking your heart again and again and I hate myself for that–“

“Don’t say things like that. You’re the most wonderful person I ever met, you just make mistake like everyone but please, don’t hate yourself. Not because of me or nothing else” You opened your mouth to replied but Roger gently shushed you. “I love you, more than everything. You’re my whole world and even if you don’t love me back, not like I want too, our friendship is enough to me. Whatever you give me, I’m taking it” A large lump was obstructing your throat as emotions were overwhelming you, his eyes were screaming all the love he had for you, it was almost too much. Why you ? He could do so much better. “Please, don’t cry” He joked when your eyes became teary. “No need to okay ? I don’t care if you still love Donovan, I’m still gonna be around for you, as long as you want me too. The most important thing now it your health, don’t torture yourself about feelings. Just think about you, for once”

You nodded, knowing he was true.

“Roger, I just need you to know that I don’t have any more feelings for Donovan” You weakly replied. You needed to tell him at least that. “But I really have feelings for you, I’m still confused about them...but, Donovan and I, it’s over. For good” You added with a shaky breath, curling your fingers around Roger’s. A huge weight left your shoulders after your confession. It was probably the best you could do for now.

The drummer scratched his chin, keeping a straight face. He shifted a bit in his seat but his fingers pressed back your hand. A light squeeze, meaning I understand.

“Remember what I just say ?” He chuckled. “The next months will going to be only about you and your health, nothing else. I’m not doing this because I except something from you in return, I just want you to be better. We could...talk about whatever this is between us later, okay ? Not now. Not in your state” His lips curled into a light smile, matching yours. “I just need you to get better”

“I can do that” You answered with relief. “I will get better”

“And I will help you”

**

Two months later,

Roger closed his eyes, the sound coming from the bathroom making him winced. You did it again. For the third time in two weeks he walked in your flat, finding you make yourself puke in the toilet. He tried his best to help you during the past two months but it was harder than he thought. He wasn’t qualified to help you. He couldn’t have an eye on you at every minute of every day. You weren’t doing better. In fact you were doing worse. The guilt of betraying Roger every time you caved making the whole process harder than anything else. You felt pressured to do better. And you weren’t good at it.

The blond sighed, a strong feeling of desperation drowning him. What could he do to help ? You were seeing your psychologist more than usual and you said it was really helping but it wasn’t enough. Roger told Freddie about the situation and convinced all of your and Roger’s friends to pretend everything was okay, the last thing you needed was judgmental glances. You weren’t going out a lot anyway. Barely leaving your house and never without Roger either. Freddie was furious. He wanted to help you but the drummer was afraid it would make the situation even worse, more people to please would only scare you off.

But Roger could see the situation slipping from between his fingers. You frame seemed to be thinner every time he saw you. He felt helpless. Maybe because of his feelings he was too tender with you. Maybe it could be even worse. But he tried so hard to be comprehensive, reassuring you every time you weren’t doing good. You needed support but he was perhaps not firm enough. The situation was becoming threatening for your own safety. The sound of the flush made him raise his head to see you walked out, your hands stabilising yourself on the wall because of weak was your body. Head spinning all the time. Dizziness when you stood up. You were so drained of your energy, looking less alive every day. You had troubles to sleep but your pills for the depression was making you sleepy most of the time. The exhaustion was killing you.

“We need to talk” Your heart jumped at the sudden voice breaking the quietness of your flat. Your stomach churning at the sight of Roger, shoulders down and features covered in worries. “Come here” He helped you sat on the sofa, your body shaking a bit.

“I’m sorry” You murmured. “I did it again, I’m so sorry”

“I know you are, love” Roger took a deep breath. “But we can’t continue like that. It’s not working. You’re digging your own grave and I’m fucking useless” You shook your head, refusing to accept the truth.

“I’m going to do better, I promise Roger. I just need more time” You sniffled, hating to make him feel not helpful. It wasn’t true.

“You need help. Real help my love.” The drummer murmured softly, he sounded sorry and it scared you. “I did some research and I found some places where they helped people who have trouble like yours” The blond avoided your gaze and the fear in it as you processed his words. He took off from his jacket’s pocket three different flyers and put them on the coffee table. “All of these establishment have available rooms, individual one if you don’t want to share it with someone. They’re all in London, I could come seeing you every day, they have gardens and the third one have even medical dogs ! They’re here to help you feeling better and I know you love–“

“No, I don’t want to go Roger, please don’t make me” You breathed loudly. “I’m not sick, I don’t need to go there, I want to stay at my home” You pushed away Roger’s hand when he tried to put it on your forearm, this wasn’t an option.

“I can’t force you to go there (Y/N) but I really think you should. Freddie agree with me” He pinched his lips and forced himself to stay unaffected by your teary eyes, knowing it was the last solution for you.

“No” You shook your head. “I won’t go there or any of these places, never” Roger’s answer didn’t reach your ears, you were completely ignoring him, anxiety raising thought your chest at the thought of being placed in one of these health center with strangers. “I’m fine, I’m going to do better, I know I will”

“But you’re not (Y/N) ! You’re killing yourself ! Slowly but you’re fucking are ! You’re not doing better, you need help ! ” You blinked a bit at Roger’ sudden outburst. His jaw clenching hard, he was nervous and worried for you, thinking about it every second of each day and it was affecting his sleeping schedule. He couldn’t focus on the new album because you’re the only thing in his mind. Doing his best to find a way to help you. And that was his last shot. Well, almost. But he was certain that was the best option. “Please, (Y/N), do it for me. I can’t see the woman I love starving herself to death, don’t ask me to do that” His tone was soft again, his hands wrapping yours, eyes begging you.

Your bottom lip was quivering, tears threatening to spill from your eyes and Roger felt his determination weakening, he hated when you cried. Especially when he was the one to make you cry.

“Roger, please no. Let me another chance, I’m gonna stop, I will do whatever you want but please don’t send me in one of these place, please !” Panic was flowing through your veins, if Roger gave up on you, how could you believe in yourself to heal ? This wasn’t a good solution for it. “I can’t go there, please don’t make me ! Please Roger !”

You begged and cried and pleaded your cause for a solid five minutes before the drummer caved in. You were going hysterical, completely panicked about Roger forcing you to go. He couldn’t witness you torturing yourself about it. This was suppose to be your decision in the end.

“Shush, love, that’s alright. If you don’t want to go, you won’t. I would never force you into anything you don’t want” You breathed a little better when he said that. He made you put his head on his lap, fingers brushing gently your hairs. He hummed softly, waiting patiently for you to calm down. “You’re feeling better ?”

“I’m okay” You replied, your cheeks soaked with salty tears but your breathed was slower.

“Listen, love...I was serious when I say we need to do something about your health” You sat up next him, nodding in agreement. “I thought about something...if you don’t want to go in one of these health center then I want you to come and live with me” Your eyes went round like Roger expected. “I need to have an eye on you most of the time, love, that the only way for now. I can’t trust yourself all alone, I know you understand it”

“I know” It was true, you dove right back every time Roger left you all by yourself, didn’t matter how hard you tried. You were weak and needed a constant support. “But Roger...living at your place, it’s a lot. I don’t want to invade your space, I’m going to be a burden all the time” You explained, the idea was good but what if he get bored of you ? Having you all the time around was going to annoying him.

“Jesus (Y/N), I want you to invade my space ! I fucking love you !” He closed his eyes for a second, cursing under his breath. He promised himself to stop talking his feelings for you, that wasn’t important at the moment. “It’s not negotiable (Y/N)” He added, brushing away his past words. “You move in with me and I’m gonna take care of you, at my conditions” You could read on his face how bloody serious he was. “Your way didn’t work so now, we’re gonna try under my conditions. I’m gonna make sure you’re eat, take your pills and sleep properly. You’re gonna hate me at the end but if it the price for you to go better, I’m okay with it. What about you ?”

You observed him for a minute. Dark rings under his eyes, paler skin than usual, nails bitten until blood. You knew he was worrying too much about you and it was affecting his own health. As well as his personal and professional life. You owned him a lot and if he wanted to watch you twenty-four hours, you would let him.

“I...I can do that. If you’re sure, I will move in with you and do whatever you think could help me” The blond relaxed a bit at yours words.

“Good. One more thing (Y/N)” He swallowed as you looked at him, encouraging him to continue. “If my way not work, if in few weeks nothing changed...you need to promise me you will go in one of these health center. If I can’t help you more, you need to let professional help you” He added in breath, his baby blue eyes looking firmly at you.

You chewed your lips nervously. Your fingers rubbing slowly your shoulders, thinking about every reasonable answer to this. The shape of your collarbone was too prominent under your shaky fingers, you hated it. You didn’t like either the little black dot which was dancing in your vision most of the day. Or how every movements required much more energy you had. You wanted to go better, you needed to.

“If I’m not doing better at your place...I will go to the health center with the dogs” Roger smiled softly at your involuntary grin at the word dogs.

“Pinky promise ?” The drummer hanged his smaller finger in the air, wiggling it in front of your gaze.

You giggled quietly at the childish gesture.

“Pinky promise” You repeated, your own little pinky wrapping around Roger’s, sealing the promise.

**

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[storycharacter]

Ao3, First two chaps, Three, Four, Five

//

CHAPTER 6: Hope

//

Jess closes her eyes and breathes deep, the salty air full of memories. It grounds her- the familiar scents and sounds- the shush of water breaking upon land, the piercing cry of gulls overhead.

Leaning against the crumbling stone wall tracing the top of the cliff, she almost expects to see the day’s first light breaking out along the horizon, accompanied by Grandmama’s gentle directive to close her eyes, to breathe, to greet the day.

But this is the wrong coast for that, and so she stares out at the glassy surface stretching to the horizon as the morning sky shifts from dusky grey to smoldering orange.

Jess’s ears perk at the sound of an engine, and a lone rider on a motorcycle appears in the distance, on the last visible curve of the highway. From her perch, Jess follows the rider’s progress as they climb, winding along the quiet coastal road. They disappear for a moment, hidden by the final curve, before emerging at last, slowing to pull into the dirt lot.

The rider brings the bike to a stop next to Jess’s car, one booted foot catching the ground while the other flicks the kickstand into place. They give a small wave, then pull their helmet off, gorgeous blonde tresses shaking free as they run practiced hands through it.

The leather jacket is unzipped and draped across the seat. There’s a confidence and grace to every motion, and Jess watches with no small amount of awe and interest as- not Kara Danvers, reporter, but some dizzying combination of Kara Danvers and the Girl of Steel- twists her hair into a low messy bun, the muscles of her toned arms clearly visible in the casual white tee she’s wearing.

Kara turns to retrieve some items from the saddlebag before making her way over.

Jess watches Kara approach and feels something loosen in her chest as she notes that Kara’s steps are sure, her gait normal, as if just two weeks ago Jess hadn’t watched her get shot.

“Morning.” Kara tips the thermos in her hand toward Jess in greeting, her smile soft and reassuring.

“Thanks for coming,” Jess offers as she reels her thoughts back in, focusing on the reason for the meeting.

“Of course,” Kara takes up a spot beside Jess on the wall, hip leaning into the stone as she unscrews the thermos and doles out equal portions of steaming liquid into the hand-made mugs held in her other hand.

Jess accepts the offered mug, and as she wraps her hands around the warm ceramic the comforting texture of the subtle grooves is not lost on her. When she brings the mug to her lips, she’s only half surprised to taste her favorite brew.

Thoughtful, as always.

Kara has turned to look out over the ocean and Jess joins her, elbows propped on the wall. From the corner of her eye she watches Kara drink, thumb running absently along her mug’s broad lip.

Maybe Jess isn’t the only one in need of small comforts this morning.

They stay that way for several minutes, Jess gathering her thoughts and Kara seemingly content to let Jess set the pace.

Which Jess is grateful for, given the churning inside her.

How do you ask the most powerful woman in the world if she’s the right person for Lena Luthor?

...

Being direct has gotten her this far.

“I know- I know this is probably not my place.” Jess begins with a shake of her head, again trying to dislodge some semblance of a clear, concise thought.  She tries again. “You’re an amazing person, and Lena clearly adores you, and I- I owe you my life, so I feel like an ass even asking this, but-”

Jess heaves a sigh before turning to look at Kara head-on. “Lena is not just anyone. She’s changing the world- will probably save it several times over.”

Kara’s proud smile peeks around her mug as she nods in agreement, and for Jess to continue.

“She’s also the most incredible person I’ve ever met, and some of the only family I have left.”

Jess tries to ignore the empathy and understanding reflected in Kara’s eyes.

She pushes on. “And you may have superpowers, but how are you going to keep her safe? Not just from Lex and stuff like London, but from everything that comes with, well...“

“Proximity to a superhero?” Kara supplies.

Jess nods, hoping she is making some sense. “How can you take care of one person when the whole world relies on you?”

Kara’s brow furrows as she looks back toward the water, considering.

Because in the end, that’s the crux of it- as much as Jess has come to care for Kara, as much as much as she yearns to see Lena happy- to see them both defy the odds and find some way to make it work-

Neither of their lives is ordinary, and Jess is all too familiar with the danger that finds them at shocking frequency.

She flashes back to that moment in the boardroom in London, hearing Lena’s voice. The ping of the elevator and the horror of seeing the last shooter draw his gun on Lena. Those split-seconds when she thought for sure she was about to watch Lena die.

No amount of loving someone can bring them back from the dead.

“I never intended to be a hero.” Kara’s statement breaks the quiet, pulls Jess back. “That first save- the plane- it was to save Alex.“

Kara swallows hard against some memory. “I thought about it giving it up- the time that Alex-“ She stops again, lips pressing tight.

Jess thinks of the tall agent who had swept into the lobby after the last attack, who had dropped to her knees beside Lena and so tenderly reassured Kara, who had all but ordered her sister to stay alive, all while commanding the hurried efforts to save her life. The clear devotion and love and a bond unlike Jess has ever seen.

Kara finds her voice, gaze still fixed on the horizon. “I thought about giving it up, once. A while ago. To protect her.”

She turns to look at Jess with eyes darkened by turmoil. “I know exactly how dangerous it is for someone to know who I am, to be associated with Supergirl. Believe me, I know.”

And Jess does.

She watches Kara’s jaw tick and wonders how many times Kara and Alex have had to save each other.

How many close calls there have been.

How many times Kara has shouldered that weight- knowing that what she does- the lives she saves, the impact she makes- comes at a terrible price.

One she doesn’t pay alone.

“It’s part of why I waited so long to tell Lena. Why the ruse is necessary, why I have to be so careful.” A sort of sorrow tints her gaze. “Why you’ll have to be too.”

A thought trips across Jess’s lips before she can stop it.

“How do you do it?”

Kara raises a brow at the abrupt question.

Jess rushes to clarify. “The dual identity- the pretending, switching from one to the other,” she decides to be brave. “The lying?”

Kara nods in understanding, forehead furrowing again as she thinks. “I don’t actually think of it as dual identities- both are me. I’m all of it- I just try to keep certain parts of who I am mostly contained to one side or the other.”

She glances over and it’s Jess’s turn to raise an eyebrow in question.

Kara gives a half-smile that holds no joy. “Take Supergirl, for example. She doesn’t get to be vulnerable- not the way other people are.” She shrugs a shoulder and looks back out over the water. “But Kara Danvers can be- she can have bad days, can decide to just stay in and curl up on the couch. She can be flawed and scared and ordinary. So I kind of just… split things. It helps sell the ruse, and helps me keep my sanity.”

She says it so casually. But Jess has always been good at reading people, and all the pieces are coming together, the things she’s read about Supergirl, the things she knows about Kara.

Of course she is both Kara and Supergirl- gentle and fierce, quiet and bold, strong and unassuming. The duality that exists in all people.

And of course she would need her identity as Kara Danvers- not just for the safety of her friends and family, but for her own well-being.

Supergirl is the last daughter of a lost planet, the champion of earth. A hero, a warrior, a refugee.

Kara Danvers gets lunch with friends, has a home address, can walk into a room without immediately garnering the expectation of everyone in it.

And maybe... maybe it’s easier for Kara Danvers to pretend she hasn’t lost her whole world, doesn’t also carry the weight of this one.

Kara breathes in deep, drawing Jess’s attention again. “I thought again about giving it up- being Supergirl. For Lena.” A slight nod, determination flickering. “I would, to keep her safe. To have a life together.” A soft smile graces her face, smoothing some of the tension that had taken up residence there. “She told me it was ‘quantifiably the dumbest idea’ she’s ever heard.”

Kara’s smile grows as she studies the cup in her hands, balancing it against the stones.

“That sounds like Lena.” Jess finds herself grinning as well, imagining the look on Lena’s face.

Kara sobers again, shoulders pulled forward. “But like you said, doing this…” she shakes her head. “There’s a cost.”

She holds her hand out, flexing. “I know it would be selfish, to give it up, but- I never expected to have these powers. And there are days- there are days I wish I were normal. Human.”

Kara drops her hand and her gaze, lost in that contemplation.

What goes unsaid in Jess’s mind is that Kara doesn’t owe this world anything- and she doesn’t.

Jess remembers the times Supergirl- Kara- nearly sacrificed everything, to save them all. And that’s just the ones Jess knows about.

How many times would they- the rest of the world- ask Kara to make that sacrifice? To put herself on the line, to break her body, to bear the mental and emotional toll- so they don’t have to? This woman who has already given so much.

And for a moment, Jess imagines it- a quiet life for Kara, with the woman she loves. One free of all of the rest of it.

The world would survive, surely.

Life would go on without Supergirl.

But Jess looks at Kara- Kara, who risks so much every day to bring hope and help and compassion to the world.

And Jess knows Kara would not be content, could not sit by when she had the capacity to help, to make a difference.

Just as Lena could never stop using her mind, her wealth, and her influence for good. No matter the risk, the sacrifices required.

It’s who they are, and Jess suspects neither of them would let the other give that up.

God, they really are meant for each other.

And with that pop of exasperated, snark-filled affection, Jess realizes she’s narrowing in on her answer.

We’re all just doing the best we can, with what we’ve been given.

Kara redirects, coming back to Jess’s main question as if following Jess’s train of thought. “In the end, I can’t guarantee anything. None of us can.”

She faces Jess head-on, earnest and honest. “But I know this: I don’t want to live a life driven by fear.

I love Lena. And choosing to forsake that in an attempt to keep her safe would be a decision made from fear. But fear makes you brittle, and eventually shatters any relationship.”

Kara smiles then, warm and full of hard-won wisdom.

“I have to believe there’s hope- hope for a life together, one where joy and love outweigh the darkness.”

She looks toward the hills and the streaks of gold painting the tips of the grasses along their crowns. “If we aren’t fighting for that light, what else is there?”

Jess follows her gaze as those words sink deep.

Kara is right.

About hope.

It’s a choice. Each day, each moment- something to be cherished and fought for.

Despite everything that seems to stand against it, hope shines through.

It is powerful, and life-giving, and worth fighting for.

And as the sun finally emerges from behind the hills, golden light chasing away the last of the night, Jess feels the last of her doubts slip away with the receding tide, replaced by the warm promise of the coming day.

Hope, indeed.

///

Six weeks later, Kara Danvers arrives at L-Corp fifteen minutes early for her lunch with Lena.

With just enough time to run a few designs by Jess.

Designs for a ring.

And as Jess watches Lena’s face alight as she finally steps out of the office, her fingers extending to twine with Kara’s as they head for the elevator- as Kara mouths an exaggerated thank you, complete with thumbs-up and a wink thrown from behind Lena’s back as the doors slide open-

As Jess watches two incredible people with impossible lives, chasing hope despite outlandish odds, she thinks to herself,

Maybe Mondays aren’t so bad after all.