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darlinggally · 2 years ago

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friday february 24th, 2023

the law of free will operates in 3 ways

1. although many of major events in life are astrologically pre-destined, i always have free will to mitigate the impact of the event or to transcend it entirely. i recognize that i am intense; inside my head there is a dangerous, rushing river of thoughts that pass before i can even make sense of all of them. not only do i easily feel swayed by the emotions and behaviors of those around me, but i also seem to have that impact on those closest to me (which isn’t many these days). it scares me to be authentic; the lack of understanding from others of what a day in my head is like only seems to cause frustration and animosity in my family. today i feel deeply guilty-- not only about only having 5 days sober right now but it’s a guilt i put on myself. last night, as i lay in bed, i had a pre-determined idea in mind of what today was going to look like for me. it was going to include structure... an almost hour by hour break down of productivity and endorphin releasing, organized tasking. as i write this entry at 1740, i feel i failed on that front. i would like to start my days off reading so i’m going to focus on that task due to it’s shear simplicity. i have the free will to read a novel, manga, magazine, etc., when i wake up and i have the free will to do something different instead. i obviously subconsciously have been beating myself up all day because i didn’t “accomplish my task”. i blame not having the book i’ve already started here right now (it’s still in Killeen- along with most of my belongings). in reality, i could have chosen to read something different... the book i’m in the middle of reading didn’t make it home but i have loads of books. i LOVE books! so why did i allow this seemingly small event transcend the rest of my day? i feel as if because that initial goal wasn’t met that the rest of the day just spiraled out from there.

i spend so much time getting lost in thought and i struggle to find an outlet for that. when i research overthinking online i see that there is a clear link between my obsessive thinking and behavior and my mental health diagnosis's. jason, my mom and my dad all said to me today alone “get out of your head”. every single day someone tells me that! it’s so redundant and frustrating not to know how to begin that process or rationalize why i think the way that i do.

all of this to say this was not a major event. this was a minor choice of free will not to do something i told myself i would. and yet these type of thinking errors are furthering my negative mental and physical health. “not” doing something rather than “choosing to do something different” makes me feel guilty, lazy, worthless, untrusting of myself, like i’ve failed. and i beat myself up ALL day about this.. to the point where it’s almost like I can see my hair graying right before my eyes. i showered today and lost so much more hair. my acne looks like that of a high school girl from hormones and cortisol raging.

what would a KIND person do? a kind person could recognize it’s alright to be intense; it sets me apart. i could give more grace to myself for being an over-thinker and for my family for not understanding yet i did different actions then i thought i’d do today, however i chose to be sober, to be present. i could realize through playing the tape through that in the big world we live in, that having the book i thought i needed to have a good day is not relevant, important or something to stew on- its okay. i haven’t found an outlet for my thinking yet; there is still inspiration out there to draw from though. struggling with mental health disorders and physical ailments is hard; working toward focusing on just taking the next little step and being more proud of myself is something i can be proud of. i could work harder to challenge my negative self talk. i could do something for my self-care to boost my physical confidence. AND IF I DON’T, IT IS ALRIGHT. BREATHE.

small goals: 1. go for a walk this week. 2. cook something for lunch. 3. speak kinder to myself.

#lessthan30

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