darlinggally

[darlinggally]

friday february 24th, 2023

the law of free will operates in 3 ways

1. although many of major events in life are astrologically pre-destined, i always have free will to mitigate the impact of the event or to transcend it entirely.  i recognize that i am intense; inside my head there is a dangerous, rushing river of thoughts that pass before i can even make sense of all of them. not only do i easily feel swayed by the emotions and behaviors of those around me, but i also seem to have that impact on those closest to me (which isn’t many these days). it scares me to be authentic; the lack of understanding from others of what a day in my head is like only seems to cause frustration and animosity in my family. today i feel deeply guilty-- not only about only having 5 days sober right now but it’s a guilt i put on myself. last night, as i lay in bed, i had a pre-determined idea in mind of what today was going to look like for me. it was going to include structure... an almost hour by hour break down of productivity and endorphin releasing, organized tasking. as i write this entry at 1740, i feel i failed on that front. i would like to start my days off reading so i’m going to focus on that task due to it’s shear simplicity. i have the free will to read a novel, manga, magazine, etc., when i wake up and i have the free will to do something different instead. i obviously subconsciously have been beating myself up all day because i didn’t “accomplish my task”. i blame not having the book i’ve already started here right now (it’s still in Killeen- along with most of my belongings). in reality, i could have chosen to read something different... the book i’m in the middle of reading didn’t make it home but i have loads of books. i LOVE books! so why did i allow this seemingly small event transcend the rest of my day? i feel as if because that initial goal wasn’t met that the rest of the day just spiraled out from there. 

i spend so much time getting lost in thought and i struggle to find an outlet for that. when i research overthinking online i see that there is a clear link between my obsessive thinking and behavior and my mental health diagnosis's. jason, my mom and my dad all said to me today alone “get out of your head”. every single day someone tells me that! it’s so redundant and frustrating not to know how to begin that process or rationalize why i think the way that i do. 

all of this to say this was not a major event. this was a minor choice of free will not to do something i told myself i would. and yet these type of thinking errors are furthering my negative mental and physical health. “not” doing something rather than “choosing to do something different” makes me feel guilty, lazy, worthless, untrusting of myself, like i’ve failed. and i beat myself up ALL day about this.. to the point where it’s almost like I can see my hair graying right before my eyes. i showered today and lost so much more hair. my acne looks like that of a high school girl from hormones and cortisol raging. 

what would a KIND person do?  a kind person could recognize it’s alright to be intense; it sets me apart.  i could give more grace to myself for being an over-thinker and for my family for not understanding yet i did different actions then i thought i’d do today, however i chose to be sober, to be present.  i could realize through playing the tape through that in the big world we live in, that having the book i thought i needed to have a good day is not relevant, important or something to stew on- its okay.  i haven’t found an outlet for my thinking yet; there is still inspiration out there to draw from though. struggling with mental health disorders and physical ailments is hard; working toward focusing on just taking the next little step and being more proud of myself is something i can be proud of.  i could work harder to challenge my negative self talk.  i could do something for my self-care to boost my physical confidence.  AND IF I DON’T, IT IS ALRIGHT. BREATHE.

small goals: 1. go for a walk this week. 2. cook something for lunch.  3. speak kinder to myself.

[darlinggally]

acceptance

acceptance is the way to serenity and peace of mind. 

i guess the sooner i can come to peace with the things i must accept the sooner i will be truly happy. if there are things that are making me unhappy, things i cannot accept, than i will pray for the strength to change them. a lot of this is summed up in the serenity prayer. 

i must accept: i am an alcoholic, i suffer from MDD, OCD, GAD and PTSD, i have the best car i can have for the time being, i have the best living arrangement i can have for the time being, the damage i have done in the past to the people i care about. i want to change: my weight, my hair, my teeth, my financial status, my style

in active addiction a lot of aspects of my life seemed too big to cope with; at the slightest bit a negativity my brain immediately tells me that drinking will make me feel better. drinking does make me feel better initially, but i’ve come to learn there’s no problem that drinking won't make worse. somewhere along the way i seem to have lost my ability to cope with life like a “normal” person. i either delve straight into a panic attack, go into an emotional outburst of anger or depression, or i self-medicate. 

there are people out there that are in much much worse situations than i. people struggling from suicidal thoughts on a daily basis, heroin and crack addiction, homelessness, abuse, deformity... i really need to start taking note of the things in my life that i AM grateful for. life is never really too much for me, it just seems that way at times. it’s time for me to put my life back in focus... i have lost perspective.

i feel old, but i guess 28 is pretty young. i can still accomplish things career-wise even though i didn’t go straight to college from high school. yeah i live with my parents, but i’m not paying any bills, and now that i have a job again i should really be able to catch up on my debt and start saving money. who knows, maybe this time next year i will have a cute little place of my own. i’m judgmental about my weight, but i’m sure there are people out there that would kill for the body i have. perspective perspective perspective. 

the world in unbelievably vast-- 25,000 miles around, then there’s outer space full of unknown worlds. it’s all too easy to get caught up in obsessing about the perfect appearance, the perfect car, the perfect job, the nicest home, the most money, the ideal life... but there is so much life out there. my mind becomes overwhelmed so easily by the whole thing... stay in the now. i probably need to write those 4 words on my mirror so i see them every morning and every night. it’s about time that i start being practical... yeah the world is crazy-huge, but practically it’s limited to my house, my job, my city, my family. even if i hopped on a plane right now to india, my world would be no bigger than the inside of that airplane or no further away than the next airport. 

this is a lot of rambling, but it feels good to get it out of my brain. accept where i am at, change the things i am able to that i don’t like, and be alright with being sober... it’s better than the alternative.

god and goddess grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change the courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference

[darlinggally]

December 28, 2018

Physical dependence: addiction happens on a cellular level. I know from a scientific point of view that once you create a neural pathway that brings satisfaction every time it’s activated that behavior becomes addicting. I have been sober for 12 days today, but I still have cravings. I don’t know what it is about alcohol that I miss. It’s definitely not the throwing up, hangovers, bad breath, excessive chain smoking, spending money on multiple trips to the store, or having to pee every hour... what is it? I wish I knew and could see things more clearly so that I may be able to supplement that pathway with something else. I’ve been playing video games a lot lately, mostly the Sims 4 and Nancy Drew.. but I’m starting to become stagnant and I hate it. It’s like my brain is obsessing about the one thing that I know will ruin my life. My mind enjoys being altered and I don’t see a way of doing that without drinking/drugging. I know total abstinence is necessary, but it’s proving to be so difficult to avoid temptation.

I try to focus on what the first thing that happens to me after I start drinking is. I guess the initial sip brings with it a sense of relaxation. The fact that I know there is a full can or bottle of beer in my hand and that I’ve only taken the first sip is comforting. I know that by the time I finish that first drink, the edge of whatever has been gnawing at me will have worn off and I will feel more at ease. By the end of the second drink I’m even laughing, suddenly finding myself to be talkative and silly. By the end of the third drink I’m approaching the danger zone, where if I don’t stop there, I probably won’t. I know myself... and if I don’t stop there I know what follows-- anxiety and depression. My tolerance for alcohol is so high, but at the same time the effects are quite rapid. I think it goes back to those neural pathways... when I put alcohol in my body, my brain knows exactly what to do with it and wastes no time at all doing so. 

I have an opportunity to go out with friends this Sunday, but I don’t trust myself enough to do so. The last two times I have gone out have ended with me drunk... both times I could have been responsible, but I found myself in that all too familiar position of hitting the “fuck it” button. I know that if I put myself in that position, I will most likely succumb to the pressure and drink. Monday, December 31st, I have a job interview on the phone at 11 AM with Dell Seton Medical Center on Red River. It would be so amazing if I get that job. Right now I just have to keep my mind focused on that. Having a job will help everything I want fall in to place. Namely, my independence, credit, debt, relationships, and security. 

Withdrawal is a mother fucker. This last time around was the worst I’ve ever experienced-- vomiting, shaking, DTs, nightmares, nausea, depression, anxiety, fear, headaches, body aches, diarrhea. I know that I’m beginning to develop a “reverse tolerance”. It’s as if my body knows that I am poisoning it every time I begin a binge, so now at the first sip my body becomes hyper vigilant. It’s as if I’m experiencing an allergic reaction of sorts. If only I could balance my neurotransmitters sober-- I mean, isn’t that why I have to take 4 prescribed medications daily? I’ve been reading that it can take up to 5 years for things upstairs to get back in sync. That idea is incredibly daunting to me; I have to remind myself of that AA cliche “one day at a time”.  

[darlinggally]

the “don’t text and drive” signs on the highway are probably not seen often by their target demographic.

[darlinggally]

it’s been 3 years since i’ve updated this tumblr... and i’m thinking i may want to get back into this. looking back on 3 years worth of posts has been humbling. 1 week ago today i was discharged from CFTH for a 60 day rehab stint. today i feel well.. i feel motivated and blessed, and also nervous. tomorrow night i am going on a date for the first time in a long time... and i will be sober. i need to work on not overthinking or worrying so much. everything will be fine.

[darlinggally]

i feel like a grinch, i don't want to see anymore christmas lights, i don't want to put up my christmas tree. i feel empty. i can barely get out of bed in the mornings... i have to pretend i'm not miserable to make money. i don't want to feel this pain anymore. i am writing you a letter, i have been working on it for days. i'm afraid you may never read it.. but you need to know how much i fucking love you. you're the love of my life.. and always will be.

[darlinggally]

[darlinggally]

I have a friend who's an artist and has sometimes taken a view which I don't agree with very well. He'll hold up a flower and say "look how beautiful it is," and I'll agree. Then he says "I as an artist can see how beautiful this is but you as a scientist take this all apart and it becomes a dull thing," and I think that he's kind of nutty. First of all, the beauty that he sees is available to other people and to me too, I believe. Although I may not be quite as refined aesthetically as he is ... I can appreciate the beauty of a flower. At the same time, I see much more about the flower than he sees. I could imagine the cells in there, the complicated actions inside, which also have a beauty. I mean it's not just beauty at this dimension, at one centimeter; there's also beauty at smaller dimensions, the inner structure, also the processes. The fact that the colors in the flower evolved in order to attract insects to pollinate it is interesting; it means that insects can see the color. It adds a question: does this aesthetic sense also exist in the lower forms? Why is it aesthetic? All kinds of interesting questions which the science knowledge only adds to the excitement, the mystery and the awe of a flower. It only adds. I don't understand how it subtracts.

[darlinggally]

trying to figure out how to live my life as carefree i used to; so far i'm coming up empty. i'm not letting myself become discouraged just yet.

[darlinggally]

i haven't wrote in here in awhile but considering that world of warcraft is down for maintenance on tuesday mornings i found myself with a bit of free time (:

a lot of exciting things have been happening lately while at the same time a lot of things are changing.

i want to talk about my sister for a minute. my sister and i didn't always get along as well as we do now. in fact, when we lived in new york my mom used to pay us daily to not fight or hurt each other. now that we've grown up a little and saw what it was like to live without each other for awhile we have grown to appreciate each other as a best friend and someone that is actually fun to spend time with. lately however i have been kind of sad with the choices claire is making. needless to say i've definitely had my fair share of times with marijuana, my times were when i was much older than fourteen and usually took place in an environment where i knew i was safe. for over the past year of my life i have been fighting to keep my relationship with travis away from marijuana, it destroyed the bigger part of our time together. it stopped being fun and started being scary, offensive, and a burden. after a year of tears, lies, and hurt travis and i have never been at a better place in our relationship or probably our lives in general. yesterday my parents started catching on to how out of control with this claire is really getting. one of her friends dads showed up on the porch with a bag of bongs and told us then when he confronted his daughter about it she ran away. he wanted to know if she was here (which unfortunately she wasn't). out of curiosity my parents rushed off to walgreens to buy a drug test and find out what is really going on with claire. they asked me to be in the bathroom with her while she took the test to make sure she wasn't going to try anything stupid. while we were in the bathroom together she broke down into tears, begging me to take the test for her. she knew if she was caught doing this for the second time she would be grounded all summer and not get to do any of the things she had been planning with her friends. as many times as claire has covered for me and helped me out i couldn't do this one for her. i felt awful seeing her in the bathroom panicking and watching her summer go up in smoke but in reality it is not my fault. after going through a year of this type of problem i just couldn't go through it again with claire... so i let her suffer the consequences. of course she failed the test, and now risks loosing her summer trip, phone, and computer among other things. i know she isn't speaking to me right now but i hope that she can find it in her heart to understand where i am coming from and we can trust each other again one day.

on a bit happier note... travis is officially living in the bressette house again! WOO WOO! (: i love having him here and it's even better this time than the last time. we are both over two months sober and looking for new jobs. i'm still at pho viet for the time being but if a better job comes along i am definitely interested (: tomorrow i'm going to ACC to talk to the adviser about registering for my classes at the fall for nursing. i finally feel like everything is falling into place for my future and i couldn't be any happier or any more in love. (: speaking of which i have to leave for work in thirty minutes so it's time to wake travis up for a smoke and kiss <3333

[darlinggally]

forget regret or life is yours to miss.

[darlinggally]

tonight

is my last friday night shift at pho viet :D bring it on.

[darlinggally]

you sounded so good on the phone.

[darlinggally]

snow patrol- set the fire to the third bar

"i'm miles from where you are, i lay down on the cold ground i pray that something picks me up and sets me down in your warm arms"

[darlinggally]

what about taking this empty cup and filling it up with a little bit more of innocence.

[darlinggally]

just because i'm happy doesn't mean i have to smile. and just because i smile doesn't mean i'm happy.

[darlinggally]