#left the exact relationship up to interpretation ._.

[auspicioustidings]

Firewatch Part 14

Summary: You visit a grave as our story comes to an end.

Words: 1.9k

You wondered if Johnny had snuck into bed with you. He had done it the last time Simon was on watch and it had been admittedly sort of nice waking up bundled in him. He was pretty cute when he was sleepy. 

He hadn't, the warmth was from Dosia which was strange because these days she usually was either outside or cuddled up with Price if Simon wasn't around like the little traitor she was.

This was not Simon's bed.

–

“You've been through quite the ordeal! Can't believe you were in the forest all this time. Surprised you never came across our Firewatch, they live out there. Or they did I suppose.”

“I- sorry, what do you mean?”

“Didn't you ever notice that tower from your old place? It was a watchtower for wildfires, the men who ran it had a cabin out there as well. Shame about what happened.”

“The fire…”

“Ah last I heard between air support and the trucks coming in to help from all over it's looking like they have it contained, but these things tend to burn for days or weeks before we can really relax.”

“What about the men in the forest? What happened to them?”

The sheriff blinked at you.

“How exactly did you survive out there all this time?”

–

It wasn't as bad as it could have been was what people kept saying. The tower was gone, but the fire had never ripped through the town thanks to quick detection and action to contain it. 

In the span of six months you had lost your home to fire twice over. You were living out of the little bed and breakfast while paperwork was sorted. There was a lot of red tape involved in bringing someone back from the dead, although it was curious how much easier it was made by the sheriff having not properly filed the death certificate in the first place. You weren't as officially dead as you should have been. 

Everything would be wrapped up soon and then you didn't really know what you would do. You had money from the Insurance claim on your cottage (that had been a wild series of phone calls to increasingly senior people as you tried to explain that you were the owner who had perished in the fire), but you had no clue what to do with it. 

You knew you had been putting it off, but it was time to go visit the grave. Maybe then you'd figure it out.

–

It wasn't anything fancy, just a rustic headstone set in the ashes. Dosia wasn't super interested, instead going to rub up against your visitor. Wonders never ceased.

“Knew she'd come around eventually.”

“They do say absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

“Does it?”

You glanced over at Kyle and your heart thumped. The last time you had seen him had been weeks ago when he was disappearing into smoke and embers.

“Yeah, yeah I think it does.”

You both stood and stared at the gravestone, Dosia's ears pricking before she took off towards the treeline. You weren't worried, you were pretty sure you knew who she was in a rush to see. She completely ignored the man walking towards you and Kyle on her way. 

“Ouch.”

“She still hasn't forgiven you for saying I should've got a dog you know.”

“Still think ye should swap her for one.”

“He cried when we thought she didn't make it out.”

“Away and biel yer heid Gaz.”

You had missed them. You had really, truly missed them. It was overwhelming being on your own after always having them around. You were angry a lot at little things like how difficult you found a busy shop now. They had done that to you. It didn't make your stupid feelings any less complicated. It didn't make you feel any less like kissing the new scar on Johnny's arm or the bruises healing on Gaz.

“So you buried your girl in the end huh?”

“A few weeks before the fire. We were planning on bringing you to see it.”

“This close to town? Bit risky no?”

“Aye, reckoned ye were worth the risk.”

You took a deep breath to calm yourself. It was a strange thing looking at your own grave. Why put it here to bring you to see it? To prove that they weren't holding you to some impossible dream girl standard anymore?

“Was supposed to be a birthday present, but we're a bit late now aren't we little bird?”

Price looked tired as he emerged from the treeline. It must have been an awful few weeks for him. There was still the remnants of the fire to be looked after incase it blazed up again. It had taken out the cabin and the tower, nothing left but smouldering wrecks and a nasty looking burn creeping up his neck. All of those drawings in Simon's room gone. You don't know why that was one of the things that made you the saddest.

“Didn't feel much like celebrating anyway” you answered truthfully. 

Your birthday had been 5 days after the fire and you had spent it for the most part staring into the void and napping. You hadn't felt like celebrating your new found freedom at all. 

“We did actually get you something. Still have it, if you'd like.”

You wondered what it was. As far as you knew nothing survived the fire. But they were just things and things didn't seem all that important anymore. Not when Simon finally joined you, a purring Dosia in his arms. He was slow due to a bad left leg it seemed like. 

“OK.”

Simon let Dosia down even though she was very reluctant to go so he could take something from around his neck. He handed you the corded necklace. It had a key on the end.

“Happy birthday sweetheart.”

“What's it for?”

“Havnae given it a name yet, thought we'd leave that for you tae do.”

“It's a 20 minute drive out the other side of town, just on the treeline.”

You stared at them. You knew what they were talking about. There was a crumbling cottage out there, you knew because you had considered buying it when you had first moved here but it was more expensive than the one you had went with and you couldn't afford it. You had completely forgotten it was there.

“Hope you don't mind sweetheart, but we took the liberty of getting the electrical work done.”

“And the roof, sorry luv I know you're a good roofer but my heart cannot take watching you do that again.”

“Tae be fully honest the whole thing is already done. Got a wee bit carried away.”

All those trips into town. The way they'd come back looking tired. They had been building you a home. 

“But… no wait, that's not… you were going to let me go?”

“Couldn't keep you in a cage forever little bird.”

“You'd have gotten arrested!”

“Would we aye? For what?”

“For kidnapping me!”

“Funny thing sweetheart, nobody in town is talking about the fire because they're too busy talking about the miracle girl. Apparently survived months in the forest on her own, told the sheriff she was quite the survivalist.”

“Yeah well! You! I!” you huffed, trying to come up with any reason that you had lied that didn't sound like “I love you”. “It was a cooler story.”

They laughed and it made you smile. You couldn't do it in the end. They were not bad men, you couldn't tell the truth knowing it would see them punished and put away. When you didn't know if they were dead or alive it had brought your feelings a stunning clarity. You had fallen stupidly in love with them. 

“So what's next?”

“Don't know honestly. We're camping out and keeping an eye on things. Once the danger has passed we rebuild” Price said, hand massaging at his shoulder.

“I'm pretty handy with a hammer.”

“Yeah?”

“Suppose I could help out” you offered, fighting to keep the stupid grin off of your face as you held up the key  “after all my cottage is pretty nearby right? And this guy is going to be useless with that leg.”

“Watch it sweetheart, my teeth are still intact.”

–

John liked to joke that you would combust if you didn't have a project. Once the cabin was rebuilt (5 bedrooms, incase they had visitors obviously) you helped where you could with the tower, once that was done you wanted to redo the kitchen in the cottage, after that you talked him into taking in an abandoned dog (honestly very easy what with you and Kyle both giving your best puppy dog eyes). Dosia surprisingly seemed to enjoy the new addition, bullying the german shepherd into doing whatever she wanted. The pair of them mostly came and went as they wanted between the cottage and the cabin, thriving running wild in the forest in between. 

Simon tried to get you into football which you sort of did. You had no interest in the big games, but you'd both go and cheer on the local team when they had home games. Inevitably you both looked a mess having gotten into a bit of a paint fight when you had insisted Simon have a little flag on his cheek. You threatened to de-fang him at least once a week. Both Dosia and Riley were absolutely in love with him which both you and Johnny sulked about. You thought maybe, for Riley at least, that Simon felt safe. His leg never quite healed right so he was more cautious and slow moving now, something you thought she might find comforting. 

When Johnny wasn’t grumbling about the animals wanting nothing to do with him, he was whining at you to not get out of bed. You had never met a lazier creature than John MacTavish on a duvet day, he just wanted to cuddle and watch movies. When he was on a hyper day he wanted to redecorate which almost always ended in a fight because you disagreed on what would look good. Everytime a big video game release rolled around the two of you (and sometimes Gaz depending on the game) would just hole up for a weekend and do nothing but play. Luckily Price indulged you and usually kept you fed and watered. 

Kyle had only been half kidding about making a fire fighter out of you. It started as therapy really, a way to try and control the nightmares. He took the lead in teaching you about all the equipment, letting you observe drills and even buying you custom fitted kit. While you never did want to be near a fire again, you learned to be less scared of the idea, you learned to believe that you would know what to do if anything happened. When you hadn't panicked at a little bin fire in your cottage and instead had just dealt with it, you had showed up at the cabin bursting with excitement to tell them. 

The Firewatch went from 4 to 5. You enjoyed it, the peace and quiet and the stars as you sipped hot chocolate and looked out onto the forest. You didn’t really know what the future held for you, but against all odds you had found a family and you were well and truly happy. And if sometimes you found yourself looking through the binoculars just to check on said family, you figured that was just karma.

[carnelianwings]

I watched the entire AsuCaga Archangel med bay scene again in Seed Destiny, and I'm just gonna break it down because quite honestly, I actually think there's a lot of explicit understanding between Athrun and Cagalli on everything that happened before this moment in Seed Destiny, and an equal amount of implicit forgiveness on both sides to reconcile, take a step back (and let other things take priority over their relationship), and start over (where we ultimately end up with the Archangel departure hug and Athrun saying there's no need for them to rush). This feels especially true when you take Seed Freedom into account as well.

(This is, in fact, very much brought on by the recent drama on AsuCaga twitter over how Fukuda said Athrun never said he forgave Cagalli and still hasn't, and me sitting there going "... okay Mr. Director let me just go watch that again, in the HD remaster edition, because that scene sure as hell didn't read that way to me in both versions of that scene.)

TL;DR - Fukuda might be the director, but I think in this case, he might want to refresh his own memory because the dialogue and the way everything happens between them from that moment sure doesn't feel like there's any true grudges/lack of forgiveness on either side.

Long version behind the cut.

Scene opens, Cagalli and Athrun talk about Meyrin, Cagalli assures Athrun she'll see to it Meyrin's well taken care of, alongside Cagalli (correctly) guessing that Meyrin liked Athrun all along despite him never having said more than 2 words to her (on screen) before he runs into her room to hide at Gibraltar.

This is then followed by Cagalli hesitantly asking if Athrun will forgive her, to which he says, and I quote, "That's what I should be asking you. I should be apologizing." And it's said in this soft and regretful tone of voice on his part (thank you Ishida-san). When Cagalli then very specifically brings up the fact she tried to get married (to someone else), Athrun doesn't even sound angry over it like he did at Crete - he just responds with "You wanted to protect Orb", because in the time in-between, he finally understood why she did it. And he then explains himself, that essentially he couldn't stand being the "powerless" Alex Dino any longer, that he wanted (needed) power as Athrun Zala to help the people he cares most about, especially when Cagalli's the one shouldering everything herself. He then further explains after the Break the World incident he really just wanted to stop the war from happening and that's why he did what he did and Cagalli agrees, adding "But it's hard. Everyone wants to stop it, and everyone says so. So why won't it happen? ... Is there really nothing we can do about it?" And Athrun disagrees, convinced they can stop the war (and they eventually do), before the scene changes to Lacus on the Eternal.

Everything in this scene between them is spoken very calmly and warmly - there's no anger coming from either of them, there's a sense of helplessness on Cagalli's part when the conversation shifts towards what can be done to stop the war, but it's otherwise a conversation where they're both reaching an understanding with each other for why each of them did what they did that ended up hurting the other. And in that sense, there's a feeling of reconciliation here, that they've both matured from the previous (checks notes) 38 episodes of events and Athrun, in particular, understands now what she was trying to do, and has had enough time to process all of that to be able to talk to her about it, without any anger (that burned itself out, in my opinion, after Crete - but the conversation at Crete was also muddied by what happened during the Battle of Dardanelles). There's no lingering resentment from either side with how the conversation flows and how they talk to each other either - had Athrun truly not forgiven Cagalli, he wouldn't be able to meet her in the middle like this and respond to her request for forgiveness with what's essentially a "That's my line, I messed up too".

Is it a direct apology? No. That said, it's not like Cagalli outright said she's forgiven Athrun either, but the way they both talk and relate to each other in that moment in Archangel's med bay definitely feels like they've mutually forgiven each other implicitly and reconciled with each other for what happened during their time apart. Followed by Cagalli taking his ring off (to focus on being Orb's head of state), Athrun recognizing that Cagalli's top priority isn't "being his girlfriend" when this is her chance to reclaim the power she should've had all along, and Athrun (to a degree) recognizing he can be patient and wait for her (while working on himself and have power of his own - which he does by the end, when he chooses to live as Athrun Zala again instead of incognito as Alex Dino).

And by Seed Freedom, they've both gotten themselves into positions where they won't make those same mistakes again - in my opinion Cagalli was working with better intel than Lacus was during the entire Foundation Conflict thanks to Athrun (the only reason Cagalli wasn't able to get ahead of Foundation more is because Aura and Orphee kept just enough under wraps to get the jump on them, but once Requiem entered the picture Cagalli was ready), and Cagalli gave Athrun the Infinite Justice Type II complete with a new flight pack (based on Strike Rouge's Ootori Striker pack no less) disguised as a Z'Gok so he'd have the power to follow through with his decisions in the field.

(As for the Cavalier Aifrid units - I'm of the mindset it's Athrun who came up with them. The design looks like it has more in common with ZAFT-based tech like the Guul and both Fatum sub-lifters used by the previous two incarnations of the Justice, plus the remote control system feels like something Athrun would come up just for Cagalli so she could fight without ever having to leave Orb. I guess we'll see what official supplemental materials say on that, if they ever decide to say one way or the other.)

[bixels]

Learning that fans hated Applejack and called her "boring" is crazyyy to me because I genuinely, unironically believe AJ's the most complex character in the main six.

Backstory-wise, she was born into a family of famers/blue collar workers who helped found the town she lives in. She grew up a habitual liar until she had the bad habit traumatized outta her. She lost both her parents and was orphaned at a young age, having to step up as her baby sister's mother figure. She's the only person in the main gang who's experienced this level of loss and grief (A Royal Problem reveals that AJ dreams about memories of being held by her parents as a baby). She moved to Manhattan to live with her wealthy family members, only to realize she'll never fit in or be accepted, even amongst her own family. The earlier seasons imply she and her family had money problems too (In The Ticket Master, AJ wants to go to the gala to earn money to buy new farm equipment and afford hip surgery for her grandma).

Personality-wise, she's a total people-pleaser/steamroller (with an occasional savior complex) who places her self worth on her independence and usefulness for other people, causing her to become a complete workaholic. In Applebuck Season, AJ stops taking care of herself because of her obsessive responsibilities for others and becomes completely dysfunctional. In Apple Family Reunion, AJ has a tearful breakdown because in she thinks she dishonored her family and tarnished her reputation as a potential leader –– an expectation and anxiety that's directly tied to her deceased parents, as shown in the episode's ending scene. In The Last Roundup, AJ abandons her family and friends out of shame because believes she failed them by not earning 1st place in a rodeo competition. She completely spirals emotionally when she isn't able to fulfill her duties toward others. Her need to be the best manifests in intense pride and competitiveness when others challenge her. And when her pride's broken, she cowers and physically hides herself.

Moreover, it's strongly implied that AJ has a deep-seated anger. The comics explore her ranting outbursts more. EQG also obviously has AJ yelling at and insulting Rarity in a jealous fit just to hurt her feelings (with a line that I could write a whole dissection on). And I'm certain I read in a post somewhere that in a Gameloft event, AJ's negative traits are listed as anger.

Subtextually, a lot of these flaws and anxieties can be (retroactively) linked to her parents' death, forcing her to grow up too quickly to become the adult/caregiver of the family (especially after her big brother becomes semiverbal). Notice how throughout the series, she's constantly acting as the "mom friend" of the group (despite everything, she manages to be the most emotionally mature of the bunch). Notice how AJ'll switch to a quieter, calmer tone when her friends are panicking and use soothing prompts and questions to talk them through their emotions/problems; something she'd definitely pick up while raising a child. Same with her stoicism and reluctance at crying or releasing emotions (something Pinkie explicitly points out). She also had a childhood relationship with Rara (which, if you were to give a queer reading, could easy be interpreted as her first 'aha' crush), who eventually left her life. (Interestingly enough, AJ also has an angry outburst with Rara for the same exact reasons as with EQG Rarity; jealous, upset that someone else is using and changing her). It's not hard to imagine an AJ with separation anxiety stemming from her mother and childhood friend/crush leaving. I'm also not above reading into AJ's relationship with her little sister (Y'all ever think about how AB never got to know her parents, even though she shares her father's colors and her mother's curly hair?).

AJ's stubbornness is a symptom of growing up too quickly as well. Who else to play with your baby sister when your brother goes nonverbal (not to discount Big Mac's role in raising AB)? Who else to wake up in the middle of the night to care for your crying baby sister when your grandma needs her rest? When you need to be 100% all the time for your family, you tend to become hard-stuck with a sense of moral superiority. You know what's best because you have to be your best because if you're aren't your best, then everything'll inevitably fall apart and it'll be your fault. And if you don't know what's best –– if you've been wrong the whole time –– that means you haven't been your best, which means you've failed the people who rely on you, which means you can't fulfill your role in the family/society, which makes you worthless . We've seen time and time again how this compulsive need to be right for the sake of others becomes self-destructive (Apple Family Reunion, Sound of Silence, all competitions against RD). We've seen in The Last Roundup how, when no longer at her best, AJ would rather remove herself from her community than confront them because she no longer feels of use to them.

But I guess it is kinda weird that AJ has "masculine" traits and isn't interested in men at all. It's totally justified that an aggressively straight, misogynistic male fandom would characterize her as a "boring background character." /s

At the time of writing this, it's 4:46AM.

[dottyistired]

The missing Journal 3 pages in TBOB are so interesting to me in further contextualizing Ford's mindset of shame regarding Bill. We'd gotten a snippet of it in the original J3 release:

But Bill shows us the less pragmatic motivations behind his actions, the mushy feely stuff he was too embarrassed to properly journal, putting certain series events into new context. Particularly this scene where after a whole episode of dancing around it, he finally opens up to Dipper about the nature of their relationship:

"Bill wasn't always my enemy, Dipper. I used to think he was my friend, long long ago..."

But does he really tell the full truth here? The cat's out of the bag, Dipper knows they had a deal, there's no reason not to tell everything. But Ford proceeds to explain his reasoning for summoning Bill as a purely practical, scientifically-driven one.

"I had hit a roadblock on my investigation of Gravity Falls. Until I found some mysterious writing in a cave. Ancient incantations about a being with answers. It warned me not to read them, but I was desperate."

Desperate...for what? Ford would have us believe it was for the sake of knowledge. Yet TBOB shows us that this is the entry immediately preceding his and Bill's first meeting.

Ford isn't some unfeeling robot powered solely by knowledge, he has human needs. He was lonely, lonely enough to summon a demon for companionship. A companionship so intimate, he describes his meeting Bill as the best day of his life, and laments the periods of absence from him.

That desire for intimacy is ultimately what drove him, and even with all his dirty laundry laid out he can't admit that part to Dipper. Maybe he doesn't even realize it himself, at least not until the post-Weirdmaggedon sections of TBOB:

Under the shame of unleashing Bill Cipher's destruction on the world, there's a much deeper shame: that Stanford Pines is not a lone-wolf, unfeeling sci-fi hero, but a fallible human being, capable of illogical sentimentality and longing for approval and (in)human connection. The exact nature of this sentimentality and longing is left to interpretation, but the efforts he goes to to conceal it make me lean towards something beyond platonic. Alex Hirsch seems to agree:

"I think he is deeply, deeply hiding from his real feelings about things, because at some point early on, he decided that he could run from hurt by achievement and by creation, and has dug that hole so deep that he has no relationships. He doesn't have friendships, he doesn't have romantic relationships, he is someone trapped in a tower of his own mind and estranged. Ford shows none of that. He has sublimated himself romantically so, so deeply. (…) I really thought of Ford kind of like Tesla in that realm.”

TL;DR Ford is up in his feelings about Bill and repressing hard. This is also eerily reminiscent of the self-blame abuse survivors engage in, the hesitance to tell others, and shame over persisting feelings for their abuser.

[obbystars]

Drown in the Deep

Synopsis: Drown your sorrows away into the deep dark ocean where it can’t be found. Feel its cold embrace and let the water in. Maybe then, you’ll see him again when you no longer feel anything.

CONTENT WARNING: The reader very much intends to die/get themself killed, detailing how they’d love to drown in the abyss.

Notes: Sebastian Solace x GN!Reader / Spoilers for Sebastian’s backstory / Possibly OOC / Established relationship, can be interpreted as either married or not but they are living together / Angst (Hurt w/ eventual comfort) / Death + blood (not the reader despite the synopsis and content warning) / Not really a happy ending honestly

(This is VERY self-indulgent I love hate Sebastian. Also a bit of experimentation and playing around with his character. I’m not so good on romance stuff, so I hope what’s here is to your liking. Also rewrote some parts A LOT due to idea change/read up on lore and realized things didn’t add up here. I think I’ve got most of it covered though. Anyway I love how a few runs of playing Pressure for the first time, I died to A-60 HAHAAAAA kill me.)

Credits: Dividers by @cafekitsune

A chance to be freed from your criminal record, and a reward worth to last for a very, very long time. As they always say, “High risk, high reward,” and the risks were certainly high. You could very much die. It was a chance anyone crazy enough would take.

But you didn’t sign up for this for the reward. You didn’t care about it in the slightest. To you, this would be an easy way out. An escape from this dreadful life fate had decided for you. So here you are, sitting in a submarine with three others in silence. There’s no telling on how deep you’re going, they never bothered to tell you how exactly far it was nor the possible dangers you’ll be facing. You’ll welcome anything if it means you won’t wake up again.

Still, you wondered why things went the way it did. Everything was fine until your partner was framed for a murder he didn’t commit. Nine murders, to be exact. You were there for the trial. You saw and heard everything. You kept your cool throughout all of it. You were hoping, praying to whatever god is out there to show them he was innocent. None of it mattered in the end.

After the trial, you went straight home, not even bothering to listen to your family who was also there. By the time you entered your shared home and locked the door behind you, you stood in silence for a while. You didn’t know what you were feeling at that very moment. You felt hot tears beginning to swell up, and your vision beginning to blur. Your legs eventually give out and you fell to your knees. You muffled your sobs with your hand as you curled up on the floor.

You couldn’t get yourself to calm down for a while. You don’t even know how long you were laying there once you feel your tears dry up and the sound of your heart beating rapidly leaves your ears. You don’t know what to do.

He was imprisoned and sentenced for execution for the nine murders you know he didn’t cause, but that didn’t matter. You weren’t there when it supposedly happened. You couldn’t prove anything. You were powerless to do anything.

Many early mornings were spent struggling to even leave the house, let alone the bed itself if you even managed to drag yourself to bed. You were too exhausted to even try for most. When you did manage to begin your day, you quickly became aware that everything is so much more irritating. People talking to you, certain noises you hear, how your food tastes… You just wanted to go back home and waste away.

As for majority of your nights, they have been spent just curled up in bed and crying until you eventually exhausted yourself. Gripping anything that resembled or had traces left of him and holding it close, hoping just the mere fleeting scent of him lulls you to sleep. Feeling the cold and empty space beside you and being reminded he’s gone, as if the reminders from your family weren’t already enough.

You know your family has been trying to contact you, sometimes even coming to the house, but you’ve ignored them every time. You don’t want to see them. You don’t want to talk, to hear, or to even think about them. You just wanted to be left alone.

A few years had gone by since then but you didn’t feel any better than before. You weren’t sure if you felt worse. Maybe it was because you felt numb nowadays.

Before you knew it, you soon find yourself behind bars. What you did, you don’t know. If you really did it, you didn’t care. You don’t know how long your sentence is, but you don’t care. You don’t know if whatever you did caused any deaths, but you don’t care. You don’t care anymore. You just wanted to drown in your despair, and this… “job offer” seemed promising. Retrieve a crystal deep inside a facility hidden in the deepest parts of the ocean.

To be so deep underwater to where the sun does not shine, to drift endlessly as water fills your lungs and it becomes so unbearably cold. To where you can’t feel anything anymore, not your body nor your emotions. To just feel the cold water and see nothing but darkness as the water pulls your body to wherever it so desires. Perhaps your remains could become the next meal for whatever lurks in the ocean’s abyss. Your body would never be found. You’d be gone without a trace.

So you signed up, knowing they don’t expect you to return. You don’t either. You don’t plan on getting that crystal, and you don’t plan on returning alive.

The shotgun shell directed at your neck on the diving gear given to you seemed promising as well.

If there is an afterlife, maybe you can see him again there. That sounded nice. You just wish you weren’t sent down with three other people. You never thought it’d be so hard to die in a place where risks of death were incredibly high. Perhaps it was because they wanted to use each other to get the reward for themselves, so they kept each other alive as long as possible. Covering each other’s eyes when the shark was outside the window, turning off another’s flashlight when an odd black figure appeared in the dark, saving each other from the creature inside the lockers… They weren’t going to let such easy bait be killed so easily, not this early.

Still, you strayed close behind as they often checked if you were still there. You kept your head low, until you heard another pair of footsteps from behind you.

Strange… The other three are already in front of you… And they’re just looking through drawers for anything useful.

The footsteps are getting louder and faster. You turned around just in time to see a strangely humanoid, armless figure running at you. It yelped the moment you locked eyes on it, immediately turning tail and running away.

“What the hell was that?!” One of the other expendables exclaimed.

Both of you walked back into the previous room to see where it possibly came from. There was a hole in the wall, shaped exactly like the creature they just saw.

“So they’re really in the walls, huh…” they then lightly punch your shoulder, “Hey, good job. I didn’t even hear it until it made that weird sound before it ran off,”

You say nothing.

“Come on, let’s keep going,”

You looked at them as they rejoined the others then back at the hole. You wished you didn’t turn around.

After a few more doors, the lights suddenly flickered. The one closest to you grabbed you and had you hide in a locker. Maybe they picked up on what you’ve been trying to do. You did willingly look into the eyes of the shark just outside the window, and they had to cover your eyes and drag you along with them. You also opened a locker that was already occupied by a strange creature coated in black and, what you assumed were, purple eyes. You hoped they’d leave you behind to be devoured by it, but you were pulled out and was patched up as best as they could do it. The damage wasn’t too severe, but still. There just had to be a spare medical kit in the room.

Maybe you weren’t being so discreet about it.

There were only three lockers in the room you were currently in and none in the room prior. They pressed on to the next door ahead. You were about to open your locker to step out into the path of the oncoming creature, but it zipped by you in an instant. It was much faster than what you’ve been dealing with.

You hear the others leave their locker followed with a quick flash of the flash beacon. You slowly step out of your locker and follow them into the next room to meet up with the other person. The one in front of you pulled out their flashlight, but ended up tripping over something. You stopped walking as they shine their light over what made them trip.

It was the one who ran ahead to find a spare locker. There was no blood or any signs of injury, but they weren’t moving and their eyes were still wide open. The other two tried to get them to respond, even shaking them, but they remained unresponsive. It was almost like they were just left an empty shell.

You restrain yourself from speaking as you would’ve called them an idiot for giving up a hiding spot in favor to make sure their bait stayed alive for a little longer, only to get killed in the process. Only 27 doors have been opened. Surely not all of you can survive much longer.

By the 35th door, one of them had used a code breacher to open a door without the keycard. Once the door slid open, a large creature with a smiling grey mask was seen on the other side of the door. Before they could react, it lunged towards them and instantly killed them on the spot before retracting their hand as it gets caught in the door while it was sliding shut. The blood splattered all over the floor and even reached you and the other expendable beside you.

By the 47th door, the lights flickered as you searched through a room off to the side. You can hear what you can describe as a distorted chorus faintly echoing down the hall, and soon a loud scream followed with multiple banging against a locker. The noise stopped as you walked to the door leading back to the path you’re supposed to take and you only see the aftermath. A fresh pool of blood and a destroyed locker. There was no body. The creature responsible is no where to be found.

You were alone now. Finally.

You kept your head low as you continued on, not bothering to search through the drawers for anything. Your body is starting to ache at this point. You opened the 50th door leading into a dimly lit corridor.

“Need to stock up?”

You looked up as you see the vent’s cover fall over. You turned around, then back towards the vent. You can see the next door ahead that requires a keycard, but you can’t find it from out here. You didn’t have a code breacher either as the others you were previously with had used them up.

“Come on, I won’t bite,” the strangely familiar voice beckons.

Had he not spoken twice, you would’ve thought you were hallucinating. Or maybe you are right now. A sort of “false hope,” so to speak. Not to mention how you can just barely recognize the voice. You’re having a hard time processing it after everything.

With no where else to turn, you walk to the vent and slowly crawl through. The room was dark, but lit up as you made it to the other side. You managed to get a good look at him, not exactly expecting some sort of fish-human hybrid.

“Ah, there you-” you see how his smile quickly disappears and his eyes widened once he sees you.

You only stare at him, tilting your head slightly to the side. He looked like he had just seen a ghost which wouldn’t be so far off considering what you had to witness for the past 49 doors, but why was he looking at you like that? He cautiously lowered himself down, close enough to your height but still far enough for some space.

You instinctively, though slightly, moved away as his hand moved closer to your face. That was until he finally spoke.

“[Name]..?”

You stepped back upon hearing your name leave his mouth. You narrow your eyes at him, “How do you…?”

Then it finally registered in your head. You’re not just hearing things, that voice was his.

Your eyes widened, now feeling his cold hand against your cheek, “S-Sebastian?“

“Yes…! Yes!” He nods, smiling widely, “It’s me!”

You couldn’t hold back your tears at all. The moment he confirmed it was really him was what finally broke down your walls. The last time you had cried this much was when he was to be executed. You had to hold onto his hand to keep yourself standing. He seemed to sense that as his third limb pulled you closer to him and held you in a tight embrace. You buried your face into his shoulder and sobbed until his grip on you got a bit too tight.

“W-Wait, Sebastian-!” You cried, “Let go!”

He gasps, immediately pulling away. You winced as you gently rubbed your arm. You looked up at Sebastian again and smiled.

“You have no idea how happy I am to see you’re still alive. I have so many questions. Can I-?”

Sebastian stops you there, “Hang on. Before I get to answering your questions, I have one tiny question for you,” he suddenly towers over you as he yells, “How the hell did you get here?! And why the hell did you sign up for this?! Didn’t they tell you the risks? That you could very much die?”

You jumped at his sudden change in tone and almost fell back. His tail had went to cover the opening of the vent in case you ultimately decided to make a run for it. What do you even tell him? That you signed up just to die? No other reason. How could you tell him that?

“I-I… Well, yes, they did. I just- It’s because…” you don’t know what to say.

“Tell me the truth,” he demands. You swear you heard a hiss in his voice, “Of all people, why did you have to end up here?”

“I signed up for this because…” you paused, “Specifically because I wanted to die. I knew what I was getting myself into, Sebastian. They didn’t tell me anything specific,”

“Of course those idiots didn’t…” He scoffed, “They don’t expect you or the others to return,”

“I never planned to. I couldn’t care less about this so called crystal they told me I was supposed to retrieve,” you looked away, “Honestly, I don’t even remember what I did to end up here… Maybe I did something that killed a few people, or maybe I was framed like you,”

Sebastian calmed down a little and had moved back as you spoke. He repositions himself so that his back was against the wall and his tail would nudge you towards him.

“You said you signed up with the intention to die here,” he then says, “Why?”

You sit beside him as his tail slightly curls around you, “You were sent for execution and confirmed to be dead. I just couldn’t live with the fact that I couldn’t see you,”

His looks at your bloodied clothes and noticed bandages through some of the holes in your uniform. He points to it, “Are those..?”

“It’s from this weird black tentacle creature in a locker. It’s nothing too serious, if that’s what you’re wondering,”

He muttered a name you didn’t quite catch and he quickly moves on, “And the blood?”

You shake your head, “It’s not mine,”

He lets out a sigh of relief at that. It was finally your turn to ask questions.

“Sebastian, how did you survive?”

“Was picked up by Urbanshade before I was supposed executed. Guess they decided it’d be better if I was officially declared dead,”

“And you became this during that time?”

“You could say that. It’s, uh… It’s a long story,”

He doesn’t want to discuss it and you knew that was the case. So, you didn’t question it further. You have a good feeling you may have an idea now that you noticed a document on the table. Whatever was in there might have the answers to most of your questions, but you’re not sure if you even want to read it if he lets you. The mere thought of what could be mentioned in there makes you sick.

There’s still one other that you desperately want an answer for.

“We’re… not leaving this place, are we?” You questioned, not looking at him, “At least, I’m probably not thanks to this diving gear… One shotgun shell pointed directly at my neck, and if I even try to take it off, tamper with it, or leave this place,”

You stopped there. Both of you knew. Sebastian didn’t say anything for a moment, “I can get both of us out of here. I just need more time,”

More time. How much more time before your body can no longer keep going? You want to believe him, you really do, but you really might actually die here.

How ironic. You came here because you wanted to die. You watched the others die before your very eyes without much of a reaction. All of a sudden, you feel your stomach drop.

You’re afraid to die.

[helslastangel]

Random Astro Placement Observations

Original individual posts combined into this single post. Based on personal interpretation. If it doesn't apply, LET IT FLY. Enjoy.

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Uranus in Aquarius in 1H

-Free-spirited and eccentric with a unique way of thinking and inspiring change

-Does not care to conform to societal norms; wants to carve their own path

-Others associate their unconventional approach with leadership potential

-Highly innovative and good at communicating their ideas to others

-May endure setbacks and unforeseen changes in their life; unpleasant surprises

-Can fall into a rut if their progress is interrupted too drastically and too often

-Can appear to be attention-seeking at times, especially in dress and mannerisms

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Jupiter Sextile Neptune in Synastry

-These two dream together so well that they might as well be lost in Wonderland.

-The Jupiter person hates stagnancy and always wants to be growing, expanding outwards into who-knows-where.

-The Neptune person has a huge imagination and enjoys venturing into the unknown, even if only through the mind.

-When the Jupiter person gets stuck in a rut, unable to think of a path forward, the Neptune person floats in to whisper a little random something in their ear that revives the spark and saves the day.

-The benefits don't only go one way either, when the Neptune person gets lost in all the mist in their head, unable to act on anything, the Jupiter person can gallop in to hoist them up above the fog and carry them forward to a real destination.

-That is, assuming they both don't start having too much fun poking holes in the clouds instead.

-A risk with this aspect is that both people could end up enabling each other's inaction and being too content to build castles in the sky if they're not careful. But if they keep an eye on that, this can be an incredibly creative pair who will never grow bored with each other.

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Natal Pluto Trine Ascendant

-Projects a strong outer appearance even when feeling the exact opposite inside

-Charismatic people who others find attractive or at least intriguing

-Can be blunt but are perceived by others as charming and "just being honest"

-Shares what they want to; hides their life from the public eye without trying

-Can leave others feeling left in the dark or excluded from their inner circle.

-May be the subject of many rumors; some true, some false

-Others assume this person is healthier, wealthier, or more popular than they are

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Natal Sun Sextile Mars

-With Sun Sextile Mars in your natal chart, you are brave, full of energy and often look young for your age. Some of you might be into sports or some kind of intense activities (dancing, martial arts, rock climbing, HIIT, etc.).

-If you’re more of a homebody, you could be the type to engage in causes online, standing up for endangered or marginalized beings.

-People might hit on you often or even if not, you might have a little trouble with the people who DO show interest in you mainly being interested in sex. At least, at first. Depending on your personal preferences and other placements, this may or may not be a problem.

- You’re the type of person who can work equally well alone or in a group, though you may prefer solo work if the groups you end up in can’t keep up with your energy.

-You’re usually popular and make friends very easily, though your direct way of speaking can rub some people the wrong way. However, people get used to you and quickly overlook this, as your honest nature and authenticity is very refreshing for most.

-The dynamic between you and your father/father-figure may be unique or just noticeably strong in some way. Others may often describe you as a “chip off the old block,” “Daddy’s girl” or some other phrase that highlights this connection.

-This can also go either way - You may have a positive or negative relationship with the masculine parent, it will just be a strong one regardless.

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Natal Neptune Trine Lilith

-Unafraid of things others find controversial, extreme or taboo

-Tend to be open (or at least comfortable) with their sexuality

-Highly expressive and does not bend to societal expectations

-Refuses to be controlled or held back by anyone but themselves

-Surprises others with their unconventional, free-spirited approach to spirituality

-Met with curiosity and acceptance rather than scorn for their views

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Natal Mercury in Libra

-You're diplomatic and fair, but also take forever to make up your mind.

-People love you for the way you consider everyone's point of view, but it's okay to have your own opinion and stand on it too.

-Your partners love you because you'll never embarrass them in public.

-You believe in a united front and will stand by those you love in public and correct them in private.

-Somehow you have the best advice. Even if you don't always take it yourself.

-One thing about you, you're gonna make a list of pros and cons.

-Your voice is so smooth and sexy. People fall in love with the way you sound and you don't even know it.

-Your friends call you when they can't sleep, and not in a bad way. You're just so calming to listen to that it takes their stress away.

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Natal Sun Trine Moon

-You are popular and generally likable, but may be somewhat private or secretive.

-Others see you as someone who has mastered the balance between showing humility and displaying confidence. This fact alone makes you so much more attractive to others.

-Speaking of attraction, people are often attracted to the sense of security they feel around you. You're generally easygoing, or at least you try to appear that way.

-Harmony is important to you and you'll go lengths to maintain it. It can be difficult for you to understand people who seem to be at war with themselves, because your own ideals and feelings are rarely at odds.

-If there aren't enough challenging aspects in your chart to make you more familiar with inner conflict, you could find yourself becoming avoidant and sweeping things under the rug or delaying tough conversations with others.

-People think you know what you’re talking about, even if you don’t. There’s an aura of “knowing” about you and may often be picked to lead teams or call the shots in some way. This can be either flattering or annoying, depending on whether you enjoy being in charge.

-You’re a friendly person and avoid conflict, but you can certainly defend yourself if necessary and others are sometimes surprised when a more firm side of your personality comes out. Overall though, you're most likely to live and let live whenever possible.

-You can be extremely accepting of others and yourself, but sometimes to a fault. It's a good idea to get in the habit of questioning things or seeking out perspectives on life that are different from your own.

-Family can be your Achille's heel as you’ll put up with things from loved ones that you’d never tolerate from anyone else.

-There are many things you’re good at, but you’re unlikely to brag. Your efforts may go unnoticed for a short time simply because you never bring them up and don’t point out anything you’ve done to anyone.

-You may embody the sentiment of “if it doesn’t affect me, then it doesn’t bother me." Can have an easier time achieving goals since emotions won't get in the way.

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Sagittarius Sun in 11H

-Optimistic and freedom-loving; constantly seeking adventure

-May be a strong presence in their social circle, if not the leader

-Values friendship highly and wants to work/live/travel with friends

-Can be idealistic but surrounds themselves with people who think differently and can offer varying perspectives

-Could be involved in social justice matters and be a voice for change

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Sun Sextile Mercury in Synastry

-Conversations between the Sun person and the Mercury person are lively and extremely enjoyable for both of them.

-These are the friends or partners who can easily spend hours on the phone or facetime, talking about anything and everything under the sun from why humans speak so many different languages to what color socks goes with what outfit.

-The Sun person brings new concepts and raw perspectives to the conversation, which the Mercury person is all too happy to process and put into the best combination of words.

-This aspect is especially sweet for pairs who have compatible hobbies or skills/professions, e.g. a singer/musician and a writer/poet, or a web/software developer and a copywriter.

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Natal Ascendant Conjunct Uranus

-Original thinkers who can usually back up their ideas with actions

-Like to be around open-minded, progressive types of people

-Love to play the devil's advocate; can rebel or argue for the sake of it

-Others view them confident and creative, yet also eccentric

May sabotage themselves by constantly trying to shock people

-Looks for partners who need freedom and personal space, like them

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Natal Moon Conjunct Neptune

-You are highly imaginative and creative. Possibly a great storyteller who can take the most mundane experience and recast it in an interesting and theatrical light. This can make you popular and very well-liked by others.

-You might make an exceptional actor, whether professionally or in everyday life. Though if overdone, this trait can backfire and lead to you being loved for who you are not.

-This is rarely malicious on others' part: Neptune's misty illusions, combined with the changeable nature of the moon cause you to unintentionally fool others and sometimes yourself.

-Internally, you could be quite sensitive, but whether you wear this on your sleeve or conceal it depends on your moon sign and other aspects. Regardless, you often absorb all the energies in a room and constantly process everything you see and feel.

-Sometimes, it could feel like you have no idea where you end and others begin. Struggling with emotional boundaries can be a negative theme in your life if not balanced out by other aspects.

-People who do not this (or similar) placements can find it difficult to empathize with you and might spread rumors or make your personality a frequent topic of their conversations.

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Natal Venus Trine Saturn

-Extremely loyal; can be reserved and controlled in social settings

-Not obviously introverted or extroverted; quiet but not shy

-Usually attracted to older partners or people with mature energy

-Afraid of rejection but will try to hide this from others at all costs

-Highly determined when their mind is set to achieve something

-Can be creative and will usually finish the projects they start

-Blends structures with aesthetics well; may enjoy interior design

-Extremely responsible people who others look up to and rely on

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Natal Juno in Scorpio

-While Venus may show how we fall in love and what traits attract us most, Juno shows what we truly need to feel safe and secure in a marriage or long-term partnership, regardless of what we're attracted to.

-In my case, I have both Venus and Juno in Scorpio, so there isn't much difference between what I need and what I desire in a partner. But some may not be so fortunate and experience a war with themselves.

-Juno in Scorpio natives like an element of mystery around their relationships. The allure of having a whole other side to their lives behind closed doors that the public knows nothing about.

-Traditionally ruled by Mars, Scorpio approaches emotion with a lot of passion and a sense of urgency. When Juno is placed in this sign, the natives can experience intense power dynamics with the object of their affection. A fear of betrayal and obsession with loyalty is also present.

-Scorpio Juno people NEED depth in their relationship, otherwise they will fall out of love. If they cannot connect deeply with their lover for any reason, they will do everything possible to reestablish the bond.

-However, if their partner makes no effort to restore the connection, they can often grow to hate their partner just as deeply as they once loved them. Depending on the rest of their chart, they may either stay in the relationship out of obligation, but entertain secret affairs, or they may sever the relationship entirely and seek another, or become celibate and closed off to relationships entirely.

-Scorpio Juno people will not be happy with anything less than a true soulmate relationship. Despite being slow to open up themselves, they desire partners who are trusting, loyal and unafraid to show vulnerability.

-The ride or die type of relationship is usually the only kind of relationship these natives feel truly satisfied in. They can often find this kind of connection in people with whom they have Juno-Mars, Juno-Venus, Juno-Sun, or Juno-Sun synastry, or people with significant/many planets in Scorpio.

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Natal Ascendant Conjunct Mars

-Cares about others but does not over-identify with their emotions.

-Can spend hours trying to figure out why everyone else is so upset.

-Joyful (unless depressed) but also impulsive and easily angered

-Comes on strong, which thrills some and overwhelms others.

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Natal Venus Conjunct Jupiter

-You’re a gentle peacemaker. Aggression and conflict grieve your spirit in ways that words can’t express.

-Harsh personalities can drive you to step out of character yourself, so you tend to seek out agreeable people to be friends with. This isn’t difficult as you’re generally popular in your social circles unless other placements in your chart suggest otherwise.

-Anytime there is a dispute, you’re likely to walk away or try to delay getting into the argument.

-You may be physically attractive, but the brightest aspect of your appeal is how affectionate you are to those you care for. Unless depressed or otherwise weighed down by circumstance, your presence is naturally cozy and very soothing to others, even if you don’t quite understand why.

-Others can see and feel the warm aura that surrounds you and makes them feel like anywhere with you is a safe space.

-Another thing you may notice is that people open up to you very easily, telling you all about their dreams, hopes, aspirations and other things that you wouldn’t normally discuss with a stranger.

-You also may be extremely creative, whether in the way that you think and dream, or in the things that you do (music, design, writing, dance, poetry, etc). This is one of the more promising aspects for love and relationships, and these may come relatively easily without too much effort on your part.

-Of course, for every dawn there is dusk: you may be rather lazy, self-indulgent, and greedy, if not careful to keep your desires under control. However, with a bit of self-reflection and determination to improve, you will get along in life just fine.

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Moon Trine Venus in Synastry

-If your Moon trines someone's Venus (or the other way around), you could have more compassion for each other than for other people.

-There will be a strong emotional connection between you.

-Others might complain that you let each other get away with everything, lol.

-There's an unspoken "handle with care" vibe between you that's very sweet.

-It can be hard to suppress this vibe if being close with that person is wrong or taboo in some way (e.g. coworkers, boss, etc.).

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Natal Mars Opposite Neptune

-May try to present an image that fits the social expectations of their environment instead of their current reality (esp. with 1H Mars).

-Tends to hide internal insecurities with external confidence that may seem unnatural or "fake"

-Depending on where Neptune is placed, certain people or places will appear to be safe, leading the native to reveal themselves more clearly, only to find out it was a trick.

-People who can see past their brave façade will either try to be safe space for then, or will study their insecurities to take advantage of them

-Can be a prime target for energy vampires, narcissists, etc., if unhealthy/unevolved

-They are a frequent topic of discussion in their social groups; can be positive in some cases or if other aspects outweigh this one, but with mars opposing neptune, these natives are usually gossiped about/slandered more than anything else

-Their morals/ethics can appear questionable to others due to Neptune's influence clouding the native's good intentions and honest motivations behind their actions.

-They may notice that people often accuse them of being sneaky or seeming "sus" without being able to give any real reason.

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Natal Venus Square Jupiter

-Highly motivated to create things, but often lacks the right skill set to do so

-May try to sooth their frustration by spending large sums to own luxury goods

-Draws others in with their playful, mildly risky sense of humor

-Makes friends easily but can lose them all to long periods without contact, irreconcilable differences in religion or politics, or generally drifting apart

-Charming and fun to be around, but can be extremely selfish in connections

-Often has lonely spells because their loved ones find them too demanding

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Natal Saturn in Pisces

-You may be hard on yourself and not see your talents and abilities for what they truly are. Learning to trust your intuition and nurture self-confidence will help a lot.

-You could tend to hold on to the past and have trouble letting pain go. Often paranoid or defensive as a means of self-protection

-Highly compassionate and may be extremely practical too, Can struggle to draw the line where you end and others begin.

-You are patient and will often forgo your own comfort in the present to help others or to achieve a greater good in the future

-Usually artistic, or highly appreciative of artistic traits and creations from others

-Might turn to religion or some other kind of spirituality for structure and faith in life

-Your feet can give trouble, perhaps pain in the bones or issues with walking/gait

-You're sensitive and feel vulnerable or unprotected in life, even if you don't admit it.

-Victim or martyr complexes are common if not avoided through self-reflection and overcoming negative thoughts and emotions

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Mercury in Leo in 12H

-Can have a dramatic or over-confident way of speaking

-Very charismatic, enthusiastic; impossible for others to ignore

-Wants to be noticed and admired for the things they choose to say- May share their thoughts and opinions often hoping for feedback

-Sometimes aloof, reserved; struggles to express certain emotions

-Might keep part of themselves locked away from others at all times

-Tends to explore their environment more than their inner world

-Could have sporadic issues with short-term memory or comprehension

-Too much overthinking can lead to depression and self-imposed isolation

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Natal Neptune Opposite Ascendant

-You might not have a set persona and will appear one way today and completely different tomorrow.

-It's possible that your appearance, mannerisms, and speech change drastically from one day to the next.

-Others may see you as a shapeshifter or even deceptive in some way. At best, you're generally unpredictable and confusing to those around you.

-Only a few can see clearly through the fog without you having to explain yourself. These people often become your best friends or even romantic partners.

-You give off varying auras at different times to different people so it's not uncommon people with this aspect to have one set of friends who know them to be one way, and others who know them to completely different.

-E.g. seeming reserved or shy in one friend group, naïve and innocent in another, mysterious and dark with a 3rd, outgoing and free-spirited with others, etc.).

-Depending on your personal tolerance for chaos, you may spend an enormous amount of time and energy keeping your friends/friend groups from ever meeting each other.

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Natal Sun Conjunction Mercury

-The self is expressed in a natural, flowing way; charismatic and a great talker

-May enjoy intellectual topics but struggle to be objective about them

-Connects well with other as they easily & quickly adjust their tone and delivery

-Talks more than listens, easily distracted unless others are equally engaging

-Great public speakers, writers, etc., but can be unreliable and procrastinating

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Jupiter Opposite Sun in Synastry

-This can signal a difference of opinion between you and your partner on key topics, such as religion, philosophy, politics, etc.

-This does not have to be a bad thing, but it can cause conflict between partners with strong egos who aren't so invested in making things work.

-But if both are committed to going the distance with each other, they should hear each other out and see their differences as opportunities to learn and grow together.

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Natal Mars Trine Neptune

-Highly creative; can bring fantasies to life in some shape or form

-Usually cultured and can hold their own in a variety of environments

-Action-oriented, yet charming and persuasive; liked by others

-Quick to defend those who cannot defend themselves

-Has knowledge of theoretical things, but struggles in day-to-day life

-Could easily become a starving artist due to their impracticality

-May seek partnerships with people who possess life skills they lack

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Natal Moon Conjunct Uranus

-Requires a lot of personal space and almost total freedom. Highly independent and hates relying on others for anything or being misjudged.

-Has a busy aura or a buzzing kind of underlying energy, even at rest, but is easily drained emotionally. People view them as unpredictable and hard to pin down.

-May be called energizer bunny or simply get lots of comments from people telling them to relax/slow down, even when they're not doing anything.

-Can inspire others easily, from the small things like getting chores/assignments done, to the big things like career changes, moving overseas, starting a business or relationship, etc.

-Lives life completely on their own terms; very unhappy if forced to submit to anyone else's agenda

-Has strong words for those who try to control or "fix" them; will only befriend the most open-minded people.

-May seem open and like the type to wear their heart on their sleeve, but are quite detached and show only what they want others to see

-Prone to conceal their true emotional state and convince themselves and others that they've said how they felt when they have. Hold things in until they inevitably explode.

-Can be stubborn or not like being told what to do, but makes up for it with their conversational charm and quick-thinking/problem-solving abilities

-Wants to be included and important to the family (biological or otherwise) but does not want to held hostage or smothered by others' emotional demands

-Can become very restless if life becomes too dull/stagnant. Needs constant stimulation and may spend a lot of time consuming media on the Internet.

-Might feel differently about things from one moment to the next. Highly impulsive

-Starts new friendships/relationships with a lot of passion and attentiveness; struggles to keep this up long-term; often accused of becoming nonchalant

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Natal Mercury Conjunct Pluto

-Seeks challenges; does not like to deal with anything that is too easy

-Persuasive speakers who convince others with flawless arguments

-Can be extremely stubborn and believe that they are alright right

-May study psychology or be more interested in the topic than most

-Highly diplomatic; they would rather sway than slay their opponent

-Quick, but chaotic thinkers. Others find it hard to keep up with them

-Naturally inclined to the sciences; easily notices causes and effects

-Leaves no stone unturned; will not try to escape their problems

-Can be somewhat overzealous in communication and alienate friend

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Natal Chiron in 3H

-Might talk a little too much at all the wrong times. Even if the quieter type, they can end up oversharing without realizing it, which might not be the worst thing in the world if they are generally popular and well-liked, but it can be devastating if people already don't like them before they even open their mouths.

-Regardless of social standing, they can have problems in the workplace if they reveal the wrong things to the wrong people. Either getting into hot water with HR because of the way someone interpreted the things they said, or losing opportunities for promotion because something got back to a manager and ruined their reputation.

-Often, these people had social problems in childhood that never got resolved and continue to follow them into adulthood. A lot of it has to do with not being listened to and feeling ignored or like they had to outdo themselves constantly to be noticed. This often leads to people pleasing or becoming clingy with anyone who shows (or appears to show) genuine interest in them as a person.

-People with this placement can go from being the chatterbox or trauma dumping friend to being THAT person who everyone goes to for advice or even just to listen to because of the interesting stories and thoughts you have to share.

-People with Chiron in the 3rd house can overcome the negative aspects of this placement by becoming more mindful of how quickly one gets comfortable with others. That's not to say you have to be standoffish or aloof, but just consider whether something really needs to be said before saying it. With time and practice, you can become an excellent and highly empathetic communicator who knows what to say and when to say it.

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

Natal Lilith Sextile Ascendant

-Often appears confident no matter how they really feel about themselves-Usually gains genuine confidence and increased self-esteem with age

- Can physically manifest in the native being extremely tall or short

-Might enjoy saying or doing things that shock or surprise others

-Attracts sexual attention without intending to, or realizing others feel this way

-Can trigger very strong reactions in other people, especially if female/feminine

-May be shunned by the majority of women, or the topic of their conversations

-Misjudged by people who have no intention of getting to know them or the truth

˖°.🪐.ೃ࿔*:･

‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚.

↤ go back to the masterlist

↦ check out these other posts

How you relieve stress according to Mars

Sun and moon observations

[fairene]

good for you / ln4, part one

lando norris x fem!reader

no use of y/n, as always.

in which you and lando have parted ways, but on what terms? at what cost is he willing to get you back, and how far down are you finished with him? what lengths with the two of you go, battling with your hearts, before you can be together once more? he knows that no one is good for you, except him.

a/n⋯ a collaborative piece between myself and the lovely @jamminvroomvroom. she will be writing the next chapter, so keep your eyes out! we don't have a total idea of how long this'll be, but we are so thrilled to have it ready for you all. jas is an amazing writer, and i am so, so lucky that she wanted to do this with me. shower her with all the love, and i hope you enjoy this. as usual, reader's clothes are left up to interpretation. this is for you afterall;)!

warnings⋯ smut, MINORS DNI 18++. language, drinking, choking, p in v sex (wrap before you tap!), insecurity, arguments, exes to lovers(?(we shall see!)) possession, jealousy. if i forgot any warnings, feel free to let me know.

wc⋯ 5.2k (unedited.)

the night began well. the boy you were with was well. you were well. that was the most important thing, wasn’t it? it must be. it had to be, you convinced yourself of that very fact. truly, you had no reason to complain. your friends supported you, loved you, were obsessed with you. and you had a man on your arm who felt the exact same way, and would kiss the ground you walked on.

but others, another, would worship you. used to. but now you were alone, a goddess left untouched, brazen in this world of antagonists. yet, it was a change. it was a change that you needed. this relationship you had with damian was one of new blood. a shift from your tumultuous routine that felt liberating over a life you once mourned. 

damian was a man of respectful nature, good upbringings, and he was a good chat. he was fit, treated you with a sweet tenderness that you adored him for, and didn’t devolve into a flaming lair of toxicity to keep you trapped. 

and, he was a football player, which was a bonus. he played for barcelona’s team, and you couldn’t be more proud of him. after your previous relationship concluded, the pair of you were introduced by mutual friends, namely the ferrari driver, carlos. you were apathetic at first, unsure of if this was the right move. if it was too soon to want to jump into something. 

but damian was kind. he adored you. what else did you want? 

more. 

you danced with him. in the night life of monaco, you were showered with his attention. the attention of your friends. it was a weekend off for the drivers, so you were able to meet up with the other girls you knew. kika and alexandra in particular, who’ve been entirely supportive of you these past few months. 

they danced with one another, cheering you and your now boyfriend on, shouting pleasantries of how good you looked at his side. 

damian’s hands around your hips felt good. it felt right. when the bass dropped, so did you. he caught your seductive actions and his eyes widened. there were no words to describe his expression besides admiration. you loved his eyes the most about him— his dark hair, tanned skin, muscular physique— 

shit,

maybe you did have a type.

you spun back around, latching your arms around his neck, and he cradled your lower back with his palms. “what?” you questioned his stare that was unrelenting. 

“nothin’,” he scoffed. “you’re just absolutely beautiful, innit?” 

your head fell back with a laugh, patting his chest as a means to quiet him, but he kept going. 

“‘m serious,” your name was low on his tongue. “you’re practically glowin’, love.” 

you peppered a kiss on his lips. he met you halfway, swallowing your mouth whole. his tongue entered your mouth, and you could only respond with a noise deep within your throat. he felt the vibration against his lips, and continued his movements. 

the pair of you were swaying against each other’s bodies, tongue down one another’s throats, and for a moment the world washed away. something that hasn’t happened in ages, you felt like a makeshift paradise was born between the both of you. a hideaway. 

but mirages only serve their purpose for a short time before they fade away into nothingness. 

you broke away from his kiss. he looked surprised, offended, but you said nothing of his expression. you brought your lips to his ear for a brief kiss, “i’ll get us drinks?” 

he nodded, letting you go. 

you brushed past him, trailing your hand up kika’s arm. she immediately spun towards you, alexandra’s attention drawing as well. they beamed when they saw you, following you right over to the bar. the triad of you loitered there, swirling the drinks you ordered in hand. 

“so?” kika asked you, as if she’s been dying to hear this story the whole night. alexandra glowered at her, pestering her to be quiet, but you’d answer her regardless.

“it’s good.” 

the girls looked at one another. 

“that’s it? good?” kika looked baffled. 

“what? what else do you wanna know?” you took a sip of your drink, feet hanging from the barstool that you were sat upon. 

“anything!” alexandra exclaimed. “haven’t seen you this happy in months.” kika made a face at her, telltale of not to bring up what happened. ah, you thought, what happened. none of you discussed in great details of what happened that night, but they knew it was intense. intense enough for you to lock yourself away for a week with no contact. it was a horrid sight, and they were terrified for you. 

“well,” you shrugged. “i am. really. damian’s a great guy.” 

the girls squealed, grabbing your free hand. “he seems lovely, doesn’t he? ugh! you look so good together, too!” kika was more excited than you expected her to be, but her support meant the world. along with alexandra’s approval, you felt like you were taking the great steps that were needed to…move on. a dreadful phrase that has been bouncing back and forth in your mind. 

“you really do. and he’s an excellent photographer. i mean, look at these pictures he took of you—” alexandra passed you her phone, damian’s instagram story open. it was of you, looking divine beneath the yellow-hues of the club. you’d give him credit where credit is due— you looked fantastic. 

your hand flew to your mouth, covering your smile. that only had the girls squealing out more, finding your bashful attitude enough to answer their wearisome concerns. they were so worried about your state after the breakup that they would hound you. would stay as invested as they could in your life, until they were rather annoying. but you were grateful for them nonetheless. without them, you would’ve never met damian. without them, you may not have ever found happiness. however temporary it may be, it was what you felt at the moment. 

when damian’s drink arrived in front of you, you swung off the stool and bid them a sweet goodbye with a kiss in your palm, blowing it in your direction. you sashayed through the crowd, slithering through the stalks of grass, and made your way into his arms. he reacted instantaneously, holding you close to his chest. his chin rubbed against your shoulder, clean-shaven, and whispered to you.

“thought you ran away on me.” he said with a hushed tone. you swiveled to hand him his drink, which he took, but not before pressing a kiss to the palm of your hand. 

“me?” you made a ‘pfft’ motion with your lips. “never.” 

but oh,

how right he was. 

damian let out a soft laugh before the two of you made a ‘cheers’ motion with your glasses, and danced the rest of the night away. it was a beautiful evening, truly, and you shouldn’t be feeling the way you were. devoid. 

you pushed down the feeling as much as you could. 

when you and damian left the club that night, you were happy. glittering with the sparkles of what young love was meant to be. you’d only been dating for two months, but it had you on the edge of your seat. fantasizing about what a life you could have with him. 

but some things just stay fantasies, don’t they?

“you sure you’ll be alright?” damian asked you when you unlocked the door to your flat. you hummed with appreciation, feeling the buzz of alcohol through your system. 

“i’m sure, my knight.” you said with dramatics. he smiled, appreciating your small antics. they kept him on his toes. 

“whatever you say, babe.” he shook his head, holding the door open for you. you stepped inside, gripping the wood, and turned to face him.

you kissed him once good night on the lips, “i’ll text you in the morning.” he nodded against your lips, unwilling to let go, but did when you laughed against him. he was sweet. a sweet, sweet boy.\

“goodnight.” you cooed. he returned the phrase, and you shut your door and locked it. 

now alone in your apartment, you threw your bag to the empty countertop and sauntered over to your room. fuck taking a shower tonight, you were just too tired for all of that. you stripped of your dress and threw on an old tee shirt that you had, unknowing of its origins, and laid in your bed.

on your phone you scrolled briefly on instagram, but froze on a singular post.

it was a suggested post. you were instantly gripped. the man draped over this girls body was instantly recognizable. his tanned skin. the stubble on his chin. the curls atop his head. the curls that you used to be obsessed with, running your fingers along his scalp.

you stared at the description:

paradise!

paradise. you scoffed to yourself. 

tagged in the photo was the man himself. you clicked on his profile, curious, though you promised yourself you wouldn’t. once wouldn’t hurt, would it? too late, anyways, as you were down the rabbit hole of his feed. 

the first post was a feature of him at his races. then, the second slide was a picture of him and her. what was this feeling? how could you find the audacity to let your stomach churn, your heart race? it wasn’t your place anymore. your place, albeit fought for, was not at his side. 

he looked happy.

but so were you.

you were.

you are.

but the suggested post of his new girl had you hooked. it had you seething. biting your thumb nail with your front teeth, you made an impulsive decision.

you liked the post. 

the night was just beginning for lando when you were in your bed. in the club with his mates, he was bumping to the rap mixes they played on the speakers. drenched in the mix of sweat and alcohol, he was living the life he dreamed of having. it was everything to him, picture perfect that no one could argue. 

but there was something missing.

the girl at his front, his girlfriend, grinded against him with radical intentions. she was beautiful, of course, but that was all the words that lando had for her. she accessorized well, was in the media spotlight, and that’s all the boxes it took for him to swoop her off her feet. it was easy, truthfully, and their relationship has been a breeze.

but lando didn’t want a breeze, he wanted a storm. you were the eye of the hurricane that he yearned for. nothing about that has changed– and he feared, deeply, that nothing will ever turn his head. he’d been fixated on you since he laid eyes on you, your attitude. you kept him on his toes, not laid down and bored. 

the girl, samantha, spun around to wrap her arms around lando’s neck. his hand traveled to her lower back, holding her close to him. she shouted and cheered with her girlfriends, lando’s own doing the same. but he said nothing, and brought his cocktail to his lips, gurgling a deep swallow of the bitter liquid that heated his throat. 

with his bloodshot eyes and weary smiles, he’d attempt to be picturesque for the media. media, media, media. everything returned to the circulation of photos that’d come out with him and his girlfriend. girlfriends. you. he’d never felt so protective of you, of anyone, than the relationship that you had with him.  nothing could compare, especially how samantha boasted in every post that he was with her. 

her following count jumped well over five hundred thousand since he came in the picture. of course she never said anything, made it a point to speak about, but he knew. lando watched. scrolled endlessly through his phone in the middle of night, drinking up every word that his fan spewed out. a folly of comments asking where you were. what happened between the two of you. but he never made a post about it. it had been radio silence on his end, just as it was the same for you.

but it’d end with him throwing his phone to the side, and promising himself that he didn’t care. he couldn’t care. not when you weren’t his anymore, and that you walked out on him that night with valid purpose. he failed you, and that was on him.

in the meantime of your absence, samantha was there to fill the gaps. to soothe his broken heart with her painfully long acrylics that dug into the back of his neck, her pathetic moans of pleasure when he fucked her better than anyone ever could, and the rocking of his hips against her own in the darkness of the night club. 

for now, it was enough. just barely, as it scraped the surface, but lando would down cup after cup to glue the pieces of his heart that you shattered. 

samantha continued her movements. lando didn’t relent either, finishing off his drink, slapping his palm against her ass. the crowd around them erupted in cheers, and lando plastered a bolstered smile across his face. this is what they wanted. the surface level teasing, the sultry nature of grotesque actions. but it is not what he wanted. he craved the solitude, the comfort you brought him in the hours of the night before his races. he’d been a phantom crawling through this season, a ghost in the shell of a formula one driver. 

“you alright?” samantha asked him. apparently he hadn’t been good at hiding the turmoil from his expressive face. her puckered lips had his eyes shifting downward. her bare chest, barely covered tits. 

he’d say nothing in response and simply go in for a kiss. a deep one, aggressive, filling her mouth to the brim with his tongue. maybe this could erase the memories of you, however stubborn they were on placating in his mind as permanent fixtures. 

his hand came around the back of her neck, angling her head better for him to swallow her whole. the bracelet, silver imbued with his logo, clanged against her large golden hoops. it was a loud noise that samantha pulled their lips apart. she turned her head to glance at the jewelry, and her lip curled with disgust. 

the bracelet. the bracelet you gave him. 

she scoffed and he could hear it, but he opted to say nothing in rebuttal. instead, she stalked away from him, looming large near the bar. he followed her tail, knowing that this spat between them wouldn’t last long. 

she ordered a drink. lando’s head spun as is. 

samantha pulled out her phone, bringing her drink to her lips, and damn near spit out the liquid. she covered her mouth from it spilling, and lando watched with a raised brow. 

“what?” he asked of her. 

“she liked it.” she. who’s she? who is she?

“what? who?” lando begged for clarification. samantha spun her phone around to shove it in his face. the screen illuminated him beneath the barely visible hues of light, and his eyes nearly popped out of his skill. 

you liked her post with him. 

you who swore you wanted nothing to do with him ever again. you who snapped the chain of the necklace he got from you, though made of the toughest silver, the metal was nothing beneath your furious fingertips. 

lando swallowed, though it did little to stifle his salivating mouth, his racing heart. he clutched the back of the bar with one hand, feeling the world collapse in on him in that moment. a singular like on a photo he didn’t even want to be posted. all it took to have him breaking out into a cold sweat, feeling nausea tug on his stomach, was a like on instagram. 

fucking pathetic, wasn’t he? 

his thumb came to spin the bracelet around his wrist, twirling it in front of him. samantha hadn’t noticed, too hyper focused on your account. she uttered words that he couldn’t make out. things along the lines of, ‘weird,’ ‘she’s obsessed, ‘innshe?’ but they never made sense to his ears. if anything, you were obsessed with staying away. obsessed with anything but him, contrary to his own feelings. he wasn’t even sure if they mattered to you— did they?

in retaliation, he knew only one thing to steady his heart. he took samantha by her wrist to the nearest restroom, a single stall, and banged on the locked door.

she stood there, speechless, but had a feeling how this night would end. it brought a cruel smile to her lips, but she covered it with her phone in hand. she knew this is how she’d get some of the best sex of her life, when he was riled about his ex, brimming with fury. she didn’t care that she was being used as an outlet, for she was using him for the same. 

so she didn’t care.

the man in the bathroom left with a curse but lando didn’t seem to give a fuck. he pulled the girl inside and slammed the door behind him, locking it without a care in the world. against the wall she was pushed, ravished by the company of his lips. he sucked and tugged at her lower lip, becoming so bold as to bite the flesh with his top teeth. she smacked his arm and he relented, knowing damn well that you would’ve been moaning with pleasure. 

his lips left no surface untouched as he trailed down the surface of her body. along her collarbones, her bare chest, but he left no marks. he never did, much to her dismay, as if he were saying that she was never really his. because she wasn’t, his thoughts were rampant. this should be you. 

lando hiked up the fabric around her cunt, scrunching the dress in his hand. his other made work around his pants, shuffling them down so his blistering cock could spring to life. it did, but with the work of you in his memories, and not the girl who was spilling her breasts for him in face. 

he didn’t spend long serenading her with his tongue, though it would be a different story if it was you beneath him. he spared no effort where his lips rejected, the only way he found himself happy would be with your own against his. they were claimed for you and you alone. 

it would be a fair assumption to say that you utterly ruined him. 

his dick slid into her with ease with the help of his spit across his hand. he had slipped a condom on, too, tearing open the packaging and threw it to the ground. samantha’s hands came to wrap around the back of his neck, her claw-like nails digging into his skin. it had him curl his lip, not finding the sensation enjoyable, but he didn’t care. not when you were thundering on his mind. his storm, his sunshine. 

she moaned deeply at the contact, finding her g-spot with no effort whatsoever. she was already a mess beneath him as he solidified a pace, grunting in the wake of his thrusts. 

but he wasn’t thinking of her. ‘course he wasn’t. he was thinking of the first time he had you. you in your light-toned dress, you with your big, sparkling eyes. it would be there, beneath the moonlight of his monaco apartment, that he’d taken you to his bed for the first time. and that was the first time you’d ever came at a man’s touch, and lando wouldn’t forget that he was the first you spilled a name on your tongue. 

how you voice was so iridescently sweet. how it curdled his heart into a bow, tying it off with a kiss. your scent had him stirring with craze, frenzied as he ate you out that first time, and nothing ever compared. your cunt was the nectar of his life, fueling him day to day whilst he could have you. when you were his. now he was a man running on fumes, on the oils you’d left behind in his apartment. there wasn’t much he could spare, but that fucking liked photo seemed to do the trick. 

it’s enough to hold him over for the time being. the pace at which hips were thrusting increased, sporadic. his hand came to clutch the base of her throat, but samantha slapped his hand away. the wall would suffice, but knew you’d beg him to hold you. clutch you with your life in his hands, bestowing him the greatest trust he could ever earn. he’d have you tearing up, whining, mewling with pleasure from his hands alone. now, the sex was black and white, when you were the whole world. ripped away from his clutch, he’d be empty handed. 

she shouted his name, “lando–!” while she came over his cock, tightening around him. he’d groan, forehead flush against the concrete of the wall. 

he was reaching his own. those photos of you on your instagram. the feed of your soft launch with that fucking football player. how your friends posted the pair of you— how you were glowing in every light that caught your face. you were so fucking beautiful, so perfect, that he couldn’t help but cum at the thought of you.

but this time, he made a mistake. 

it had been your name that flew past his lips when he filled the condom to the brim. it was your name that he grunted in her ear. not samantha’s.

she was furious. disgusted. she shimmied out of lando’s hold, tugging her underwear up and her dress down. 

lando knew he fucked up. this wouldn’t be the first time, and ultimately, not the last. 

before she left with tears streaming down her face, she had words. “you’re pathetic,” she spat. “take off that fucking bracelet. you know she won’t want you back.” 

and then she was gone. 

lando was left in the empty stall of the bathroom with his head draped against the wall. his breaths were rampant, coming down from the high of his orgasm, but there was no regret in his mind. there was nothing there except the distress of his memories, the titration of you that fumigated him, held him in a chokehold. 

he fixed his pants, washed his hands, and glanced at himself in the mirror. sweaty, bloodshot, exhausted, he didn’t recognize himself. he didn’t recognize the man that was there; unshaved, overgrown hair, sloppy dress attire. this wasn’t him. he was nothing without you, it seemed, and it would drive him into the fucking ground sooner, rather than later. but he was betting on the latter. 

aggravated, he let out a curse, “fuck.” before he left the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him. 

when the both of you were in your beds that night, you tossed and turned. a whirlwind of emotions swaddling the both of your beneath the comforters, you kept checking your phone to see if he texted you. you wouldn’t ever say it, but you’d unblocked him a week after you broke up. you wanted to see if he’d chase you. but he didn’t. he didn’t. 

he was on his phone, too, fresh out of the shower. waiting. looming on instagram to see if you’d like any of his posts, but he saw no activity. but he did see that his fans caught wind of your liked post. confusion was stirred, wondering if the pair of you were friends again. he couldn’t help but chuckle at that insinuation, because he was wondering the same fucking thing. 

but when you both put your phones down and settled in for the night, you were consumed by your memories, and so was he. 

you’d dragged him from the event that night back to his flat. when you opened it with the copy of his key he gave to you, you threw your bag on the sofa without a word. you made move to run right to your shared bedroom, but lando wasn’t far behind, and grabbed your elbow. 

“what is it?” he asked, confused, and that only angered you more. 

“you’re serious?” you said, mouth agape. you couldn’t believe he claimed to not have a single clue what he’d done. what this mess had been amounting to for quite some time. 

“clearly, otherwise i wouldn’t be asking,” he said with a bite. “would i?” 

you rolled your eyes, attempting to pull your arm out from his hold. but he didn’t relent. he kept his hands firm on you, keeping you settled. 

“don’t be daft,” you hissed. he simply raised a brow, shrugged his shoulders. “how you treated me.” 

he was still clearly at a loss, free hand coming to rub the back of his neck with a scoff. “and how did i treat you, then?” 

your hands flew up with contempt, finally loosening his grip. “this! like this!” your voice raised. “first you hate to post us, and then you say ‘we’re not that serious’?” 

that night you’d been standing beside lando, keeping him company with his mates, when they popped the question about the sincerity of your relationship together. you’d expect him to answer with a smile, saying that you were very much in love— because he’s told you that numerous times— but he simply batted the question off with a ‘not too serious, innit? here for a good time.’ 

“you know i didn’t mean it that—” 

“oh…! here we fucking go.” you turned your back on him, head falling into your hands. you ran them over your face, “you say that. you always say that. ‘it doesn’t matter,’ ‘they don’t know the truth,’ then why don’t you tell them?” 

he couldn’t believe what you were saying. that you didn’t trust him, didn’t have faith in the words he spoke to you in the peacefulness of your bedroom. 

“we don’t owe them shit,” he spoke your name in a controlled tone, gritting his teeth against one another. 

“and when i get flamed on instagram? twitter? for taking you away from them?” the fanbase that lando acquired was some of the most valiant people you’ve ever witnessed, but could also be the most brutal. 

“you know how they are—” 

“i didn’t sign up for that.” you retorted quick, shouting this time, which had his face going a ghastly white. “i’ve done nothing but love you. cherish you. and you can’t owe me the decency to speak kindly on my name. defend the ‘love of your life,’ — as you’ve so called me before!” 

lando was stunned to silence. 

“and what do you have to say to her now? while i get numerous death threats, how they’ll kill my family, tarnish my work.” you waited for an answer, turning back to him with your hands up. 

he said your name again, stepping closer to you. but you threw your hand up in front of him, halting his steps. 

“no. no. what would you say?” 

lando swallowed the thick, anguished lump in his throat. 

“i’d tell her i was sorry.” he took a step closer, letting your hand rest on his heart as he bumped into it. your lip quivered, finally coming to terms with how emotional you’d gotten. “i’d tell her that she means the world to me, and that i’m the biggest fucking mug she’s ever met.” 

your breath stifled. arm relaxing, he closed the distance. 

you began to believe him. 

“and i’d tell her she’s more than what the internet says.” that had you flickering your eyes up. was he still not going to make a statement? “and that their words are meaningless.” 

you raised a brow at his indecency. 

“threats that they’ll find my parents? dox them, send feds to their house?” you backed away from him. he realized that he fucked up again, and that it could cost him everything. 

“you know that won’t happen—” 

“and if it does?” you were still firm with your statements, however desperate he looked in his eyes. “what then, when i get a call that my parents house was ransacked? what would you do, oh lord of fame?”

he took a step back from you as if your words pierced through the thick flesh of his heart. he didn’t see it that way, didn’t see how you saw it. the words of hate he received online were toilsome, ignorable, but it was different from you. you didn’t ask for any of this, and he knew it more than true that you didn’t deserve it. 

but he made the discovery too late. 

“that’s what i thought.” 

you moved to grab your bag, your phone, brushing past him whilst he was locked in place. his heart was bursting out of the cage of his chest, his mind pushing him forward, but he was terrified. terrified that if the next words he’d say, you’d be gone. 

“don’t fucking call me until you figure your shit out. i’m not playing—” 

you were stopped when you were pulled against lando’s chest. his stubble grazing your shoulder, bringing you a greater comfort than you’d sooner die than admit. you felt his heart against him, racing with a speed greater than his car, and let the tears slip from your eyes.

“stop,” you shook your head, begging him to let you go.

“don’t,” he begged, not even sure what he was truly begging for. “don’t go, baby, don’t leave.” 

but your mind was already made up. though his begging could suffice if the circumstances were different, but he’d already made his mind up, too. he embarrassed you, threw you under the bus, and allowed you to be tormented in the eyes of the media. you knew it wouldn’t be easy, but you also thought he’d defend you. 

yet, you were met with radio silence on his account. 

and nothing but an endless stream of apologies, but no solution. 

“let me go.” you said. metaphorically, physically. your hand went to the necklace around your neck, picking at the chain. 

he shook his head, refusing. 

“lando…” you hissed, trying to weave out of his grip. you finally turned to face him, seeing the tears falling from his eyes. 

you were crying, too. it felt like something was ending, though you didn’t wish it to be true. but you couldn’t let this media abuse continue any further, and needed to protect yourself, your family, when he failed as its guardian. 

“don’t go. please.” he begged, forehead coming to connect with yours. you sucked in a tight breath, wishing to relieve him of his sadness, but your own was overpowering. 

“i have to,” you said, holding back a sob. “i’ll be back once you find a way to fix it.”

it was enough to bring the formula one driver to his knees, falling to the carpeted floor. he shriveled beneath your disappointment, unable to keep himself afloat with your wishes. 

“get up.” you hissed, wiping away the tears from your own face. 

but he didn’t, and laid his head on your stomach, pushing his face into you as hard as he could. you could feel the indent of his nose, his lips. the quivering of his jaw, the shaking sensation of his fingertips as he wrapped around your waist. 

“don’t leave me.” 

to be continued

tags ; @landoslutmeout @basicallyric @mybluesoul1 @toriiez @customsbyjcg-blog @sofs16 @strengthandstay @mybluesoul1 @f1fantasys @cmleitora @idgasb @amalialeclerc @laneyspaulding19 @staurdvst @oreosareara @sideboobrry11 @mortallyblueninja @fionamiller123 @2pagenumb @marvelfangirl04 @brune77e @allabouthappiness @tellybearryyyy @ringdingdingdingx @tillyt04 @danywonderland @rosebud224 @simpfortoomanymen @nataliambc @forcesensitivesoulmate @sweate-r-weathe-r @norlestappen @madszoca @milkandcookhot @fionamiller123 @16f1lc @jwiltsz @plotpal @inevesgf @theonottsbxtch

[theshy1sout]

Okay, so

I finally got my bf into reading Homestuck. I was on a phone call with him as he read it at loud, voice-acting and stuff, while I was drawing. Today he reached the Dave first appearance and he discovered Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff.

You have to understand that I always thought that this comics was just a stupid joke that only Hussie understands and finds funny. Bc the moment I saw the page with the dog (you know which one) I left the comics and never looked at it again. Until today.

My boyfriend read every single page of Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff in complete silence. I asked him what's wrong, and he said "This is extremely sad". I was confused so he started explaining to me how this comics is a way little Dave was coping with trauma of living with his abusive brother. I didn't believe that, so I started reading the comics again and you know what?

Imagine adult Dirk, being completely under Lord English control, going shopping with little Dave and destroying supermarket in frustration of not finding anything that Calliborn would recognize as a food, being arrested by police in process and leaving little Dave alone hidden somewhere in the shop.

Imagine little Dave being pushed from the stairs so many times by his bro, he drew a caricature of himself pushing his bro off the stairs in revenge. Or being regularly beaten so hard and often, so he drew comics in which his brother got beaten up, shitted on and even brutally killed.

Imagine little Dave being so hungry (bc of course brother didnt give him proper food) he literally threw himself at a Subway sandwich machine during idk a walk with his bro (probably) and tried to steal some food or even just smell the actual normal food and while doing so got abandoned by his brother. Again.

Of course we can't interpret this way every single page of Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff, but come on, if you start seeing it, you cant stop sensing that every single page is either a way Dave coped with a traumatic experience or a way he kind of got revenge on his brother in a way his brother wouldn't understand and notice and beat him up for doing so.

I searched internet for so long and can't find a single person who would interpret it this way. Am I wrong though??

It gets better. As we know, Dave from universe B also drew this comic. And we even got a directly explained to us interpretation: he started drawing it as a simple comic (probably to cope with the loneliness). Then when Batterwitch became a real danger and he saw that but couldn't react directly, he started using his comics as a way to show what Betty Crocker was really like. So we also had this two characters, one represented Betty Crocker and the second one represented society, and they had this very abusive relationship that had references to situations in real life in Universe B.

So my theory (or more like my bfs theory) is that Dave from universe A was using his comics for the same exact thing. He drew situations from his life in a unreadable for others way (and also no one taught him how to draw or write, and maybe later he kept the shitty format so it's unreadable and too shitty for his brother to read) to cope with trauma. We see in this comics that Sweet Bro is shaving himself above Jeffs face while he sleeps, a thing that Dave's bro could definitely do. We see some pages of Dave trying to understand sport, economy and politics in his own way, bc his brother of course didn't teach him shit. And we even got a page that might suggest that Dave was sexually molested by his bro. There are many scenes of Bro being abusive to Jeff or Jeff getting his revenge. We also have Geromy, a possible interpretation of John, and on one page Jeff (Dave) tries to come to Geromy's (John's) place to visit him, but he can't and he drowns instead (which is so sad???).

I could go through every single page with this interpretation. I think some pages being a foreshadowings for what is happening later in Homestuck is just an additional joke, Hussie loves having layers of meta twists and many unrelated things relating or referencing each other for no reason. I don't think the comics is Dave's unconscious traveling through time and revealing the future, bc if so then we would see every single page of Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff being a foreshadowing, and they are not. I also think that the huge wink to the audience was the scene of Dave being pushed by his bro down the stairs and we see him falling with accompaniment of a little panel of Jeff saying "I warned you about the stairs, bro". For me this is a visible hint that this is what this page of the comics was about, it was a way of coping with trauma, it was Dave drawing his brother falling down the stairs and himself saying probably a line that his brother irl was saying to him a lot.

Dave drew his life. His own horror of a life and it was probably more terrifying than he revealed in act 6.

Do you remember the iconic "bro hug" from Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff? A hug from his bro, sth that Dave really needed and wanted, a simple hug that he was very nervous to asked for, he literally drew himself hugging his brother in his second comic, and then we have the very same scene of Davepeta and Arquius hugging (part of them was Dave hugging Dirk, even if artificial), and then we have the exactly opposite of the scene between actual Dave and Dirk, when instead of enthusiastic "we're doing it bro, its happening, were making it" it's Dave saying "fuck forgive me for what I'm doing, this is so messed up fuck" and it's not even full embrace like in his comic, it's awkwardly side by side hug when they didn't even sit on the same level (like in the comic or with sprites), no, Dave is lower, he's smaller, he's scared, he cant face his brother, he wants to but he can't and this is just aaaansnanbska dmnsksnsdkydykdky

Can someone talk about this comic more? This flashy shitty documentary of Dave's life drawn by idk maybe 8 years old Dave ? The more I read Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff, the more depressed I am, cause this is so sad if I'm right about it. I really wish it was just stupid colorful comic without any deeper meaning, just faking to have one or sth....

Also I think Geromy is black bc either Dave didn't know how John looks like so he imagined him being somewhat similar to his fav president Obama or maybe he was just trying to make John's character as unlike John as possible so no one would suspect a thing. Or maybe he just imagine himself being friends with young Obama, who knows.

After editing this chaotic rambling I have two more things as a prove for my theory. One is picture above, and second is what Hussie said about Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff:

“SBaHJ is absolutely inseparable from HS, and has been almost from the start. If you don't understand this, then you don't understand HS very well. SBaHJ is like the mentally handicapped step brother of MSPA, requiring special attention, but no less cherished as a part of the family. It was originally intended as the chief source of in-house memes for dialogue, but this is ultimately a superficial purpose. Though it only has 20+ strips, it contains a pretty dense and internally consistent language of recurring symbols and typo-driven grammars, applicable as a rich sub-cognitive lexicon for highlighting elusive elements woven into the mythology of the story which tend to be shrouded in the unconscious.”

[coralinnii]

I love the villain scorned by the world feat: Leona genre: budding romance note: continuation of the sequel to Villain/ess au Leona’s ver., not gender-specific reader, no pronouns used, established political relationship, Leona and reader are adults, roughly 1.5k word count, reader is interpreted as extremely ticklish,

Series masterlist

The Royal couple is in trouble!

No, not the King and Queen. And you and Leona are not really in danger, nor are you breaking up or anything…ok no one is really in trouble.

But there’s definitely some tension between the newlywed couple as the servants fear the honeymoon phase has finally fizzled (though you wanted to argue that there never was such a phase to begin with).

First, it started with the lover’s quarrel (the lovers part is also debatable, you muttered) the day Leona revealed fresh scratch marks on his shoulders and chest. The knights recalled the frustration and embarrassment on your face when you verbally tore into Leona over the marks, yelling at the young prince how humiliating it was that King Farena himself had to mention it.

Leona’s words didn’t help your ire, casually replying, “I couldn’t care less what my brother or anybody says about me or our relationship, and neither should you”

Unfortunately for him, you don’t agree with that as you left the training grounds right after calling him a “tactless housecat”. The knights kept their awe for you internally so as to not get caught by the stunned prince. No one but you could ever call Leona Kingscholar that and leave unscathed. Kudos to you

Since then, you have avoided your shared bedroom with your husband, making excuses of obligations and signs of illness (a huge migraine counts, right?). but no one knew you were actually just fearful that Leona would exact his revenge on you through tickling. You don’t regret pissing off the great Leona, you just regret showing a vindictive beastman your weak spots.

Leona was pissed but not because you called him a housecat (ok, maybe a little), it was mostly because your absence has disrupted his naps.

Since your union, you two were obligated to share a bed frequently to maintain your relationship despite having your own personal rooms. At first, it was a pain for Leona to share his peace and quiet with someone but he has grown accustomed to you as the two of you come together to sleep.

The warmth of your body that radiates that perfect amount of heat beside him, the pleasant waft of your scent that sticks to the sheets and pillows that doesn’t overwhelm his senses unlike the obnoxious perfumes of those gold-diggers, your soft breathing that lulls him to sleep as he unconsciously inches closer to you to hear and feel you better. He finds himself waking up in a much better mood and more well rested after your shared nights. You can’t just take that away from him after getting so comfortable.

You ruined his napping routine so you gotta fix it now.

Leona came up to you, calling a truce to “that incident” and promising not to tickle you as revenge for your yelling and insults. You immediately picked up his wording, noting he didn’t say he’ll stop tickling for good, but you figured that’s fine for now.

Ironically though, you really did have obligations that required you to stay in your personal bedroom. You have been exchanging letters with someone from a neighbouring kingdom who was planning a visit soon. So, you were now avoiding sharing a bed with Leona since you didn’t want to disturb his sleep as you stayed up to make preparations for the visiting Royal.

With your prolonged avoidance and Leona’s growing grumpiness, the castle has been tense with worry that the peaceful alliance may be at risk. Everyone was on edge and nearly in tears, especially one young lion cub.

“The kingdom’s in danger!” Cheka bawled as he buried himself into your arms, clutching to your clothes. He had walked into your bedroom with tears in his eyes, towards your seated position by your work desk and climbed into your lap.

You were at a loss at the young cub’s sudden proclamation. You turned to Leona who was lying on your large bed, spreading himself across the mattress like he owned it. He only shrugged his shoulders, confused as you are (though clearly not as worried).

“Cheka honey, what do you mean? Did your father say something today?” You asked worriedly, wondering what news could lead to such a statement.

But Cheka shook his head, still holding onto your shirt. If you weren’t so concerned with his words, you would have joked about how the young heir acts more like a koala than a mighty lion right now.

“Then spit it out, you brat” Leona irritably said, earning a side glare from you which he ignored, “What do you mean the kingdom’s in danger?”

“Hic…everyone is saying you two are gonna b-break up” Cheka choked out, tears filling his eyes again, “Then the union is gonna fail and everyone might go to war”

…

There was now silence as you and Leona processed the child’s words. That was one hell of a stretch of a scenario. Sure, your union with Leona was one of political benefits, but you weren’t crazy enough to start a war with an entire kingdom over a bad break up.

“We ain’t breaking up”

“Oh right, that too” you thought, realizing the obvious that Leona pointed out with an angry growl in his throat, his tail thumping down against your bed in visible annoyance.

“You and Unca aren’t?” Cheka asked, finally lifting his head to look up at you with hopeful eyes. You smiled at the cute cub beastman, weaving your hand through his fluffy hair.

“No, your uncle and I are perfectly happy. We’re not breaking up anytime soon” you reassured your nephew, too distracted to notice the way the aggressive thumping on your bed had stopped.

“Happy? Like mommy and daddy?” Cheka asked with a quizzical look, leaving you to gush internally over such cuteness.

You absentmindedly nodded your head. “Yes, just like your mommy and daddy”

“Then how come Unca and you don’t kiss?”

Oh, the silence is back.

“Mommy and daddy are always happy with each other, and they kiss all the time” Cheka continued, tapping his mouth to show where he sees his parents leave kisses, “If you’re happy, don’t you kiss each other?”

You’re cursing to yourself a mile a minute in your head, a rush of emotional stress going through your body. You didn’t want to explain the complexity of your relationship with Leona to the young Cheka, especially when you didn’t want to destroy his views of love and romance.

“How dare King Farena call me out on my PDA with Leona when he goes ahead and does this?” You frustratingly thought as you looked to Leona who has been unhelpfully laying on your bed, suspiciously quiet for a while. You glared at him while tilting your head to his nephew, wordlessly demanding help from your husband.

Surprisingly, it looked like Leona was willing to help you afterall. He finally got off your comfy bed and walked towards you and Cheka, settling to place his hand atop the backrest of your chair and leaned down towards your head.

“Yea, why don’t we kiss?”

You take back everything you thought. Leona Kingscholar is never helpful and you’re a fool to ever think that. You hoped your glare would eventually burn Leona, but sadly he still stood proudly over you with a smug look on his handsome face. Damn his handsome face.

“It’s your move, herbivore” Leona said, purposely baiting you by calling you a herbivore. He took the teasing further by leaning further down towards you, eager to see your next move.

He’s calling you out, waiting to see if you’ll chicken out and make an excuse to Cheka as he was watching you with anticipation. Fine, you’ll make the great Leona Kingscholar think twice before testing you.

You made the first move, boldly capturing the cocky prince’s lips with your own.

It shouldn’t be a big deal. The two of you have done it before on your wedding day. It should mean nothing to you as it did that day, just a formality to show your dedication to this alliance. Just a meaningless skinship between adults, right?

But why did it feel so good?

Why did you enjoy the surprising softness of Leona’s lips, or the way he didn’t seem shocked by your sudden attack but instead pressed his lips further onto yours. Why did it feel so nice to feel the Leona’s warmth on you, his natural scent strangely attractive to you. Even the stray locks of his dark mane felt nice as it lightly tickled your cheeks. You rather perish than to verbally admit, but your prideful husband was a good kisser. Firm and confident, if a little strong.

Actually really strong, why is he getting more aggressive?!

You had to fervently whack the tall prince on his shoulder to signal him to get off, to which he very slowly did. He backed away from you slightly, a little annoyed but still satisfied according to his little smirk. He certainly enjoyed the flustered mess of your face.

“Yay! No break up!” Cheka’s chirpy voice broke your daze and he cheered over your apparent “happy” relationship.

You sighed, but at least you were thankful to settle this weird confusion. You should probably speak with the servants to clear the misunderstanding around the castle.

But Cheka once again surprised both you and Leona

“Now, you and Unca can sleep together again!”

The life of royalty is not easy.

[kentopedia]

carefully, i was going to live

FEATURING. past nanami kento x f!reader, gojo satoru x reader — wc: 2.9k

SUMMARY: you and gojo realize you share the same kind of pain.

CONTENTS: shibuya arc / jjk s2 spoilers, death, grief, depression, suicidal thoughts, references to disordered eating, implied satosugu, platonic gojo x reader, anger, angst, gojo isn’t sealed

note: reader & gojo’s relationship for the future is up to your interpretation. title is from a mitski song <3

The world was bleak outside your window.

With November came the death of all things beautiful. The trees grew barren, flowers wilted into dreary puddles, the sky turned a muddy shade of grey, and your house transformed into a tomb.

It was almost evening now. The streets were busy with people commuting home from work, children skipping along sidewalks after a tedious day at school. Each expression became the epitome of human nature, and through all their ups and downs, there they stood, alive.

You blinked at the scene, just enough to wet your eyes, trying to ignore the spiteful hatred that bubbled up in you against cheerful strangers.

When the women had a smile on their faces, your mind easily morphed them into miserable frowns, weaved a story of how their partners treated them terribly. Children’s loud giggles turned into wretched cries, sobs from spoiled complaints of not getting their way. Men’s casual conversations on their cell phones became a long-winded rant of how their job was slowly destroying them.

There wasn’t anything left for you in the world but misery. It should only be fair that other people received the same.

Perhaps that was an evil thought, but you didn’t care. The bed was cold, and it had started to smell of something awful from the sheets that housed your own grime and sweat. You shivered, bundling yourself up in the blankets more.

An ache increased in your stomach before it grumbled, breaking the silence. Though, it suppressed its own pleas, knowing better than to suspect sustenance after so many evenings of emptiness. Over and over, you ignored your hunger, a part of you hoping that your body would begin to devour itself from the inside out.

Perhaps, then, you’d finally achieve the peace that you’d been longing for.

From the world inside your mind, Kento scolded you, begged you to pull yourself out of the darkness that you’d crawled into. He’d be unhappy, that much was certain. One look at your unkempt hair would put a crease between his eyebrows. He’d recoil at the piled trash that you’d been too exhausted to take out.

Still, you knew better than to believe he’d be anything but kind about it. Stern, maybe, but uncompromising words would never leave his lips without soft eyes and a sad smile.

You swallowed down the nausea that erupted from within you, and buried yourself deeper into the pillow, wishing the couple in the distance would cease their affectionate embrace.

A tear collected on your lash line.

For a moment, you let yourself fall into the painful peace of delusion. A phantom touch rested on your skin, comforting fingertips dancing along your hip. Kento Nanami’s love pressed into every subtle graze. Please. Let me help you.

His voice was raspy, unfamiliar, and you wondered if you were starting to forget the sound of it, the exact inflection of his words, even though you listened to his painfully short inbox message every day, replayed the voicemails he left you more often than music.

A dry sob forced its way up, though no sound released as you squeezed Kento’s pillow tighter, digging your nose into the cotton. You were desperate for his lingering scent, but it had been two weeks since he’d been killed, and there was nothing left of him.

Still, you sprayed his old cologne on every surface, left everything as he had, and pretended that he was still around.

Grief hugged you tight, trying to embody the embrace that Kento had once given you. You didn’t hear the knock at your front door, muffled from two rooms away and the constant swirl of your heartbroken musings.

No one had visited you in two weeks. Itadori had tried, but you’d screamed far too cruelly at him, even though he was just a kid, and none of this was his fault. The list of guests had been shortened since then.

You didn’t blame them.

Someone said your name, though it was distant, and it was easy to chalk it up to your imagination. Though, the plea became a whisper through a grisly storm, then a scream over the fierce winds in an attempt to reach you.

You opened your eyes, shifting to face the noise. 

Satoru Gojo stood at the edge of your bed, his large frame towering over you with every ounce of power he’d been born with, his slack jaw unable to hide his horror at the mess you’d made of yourself. Blindfolded eyes flicked across the room, then, his lips curled into a grimace.

“You’ve been ignoring my calls,” he said. Another sound but your own breath was so unnatural in the stale room. It took you far too long to understand him.  

You blinked back once, before rolling over to return your attention to the window once more, the scene beyond it still playing like a television series. Kento had always hated that your bedroom had a view of the city, some illusion of privacy gone now that he could see the world outside. Though, it was the only thing you could be grateful for now, as that square panel of glass became your salvation.  

“Sorry.” Your voice was hoarse, raspy. You weren’t sure when you’d used it last. “Phone’s dead.” It had been for days. The slender device rested useless on your nightstand, and you wondered how many people had died since Kento; jujutsu sorcerers didn’t stop fighting just because you had.

Gojo shuffled around the room. You peered over your shoulder to see him sliding the charger into your phone, the screen lighting up later with a bright logo and a ding.

“Everyone’s been calling.” His back was to you, muscles taut with exhaustion and strain. “There aren’t enough sorcerers. We’ve lost so many people.”

You tensed and considered blocking your ears, humming a song like a petulant child. No part of you wanted to hear about Jujutsu. Satoru Gojo could manage on his own, and you didn’t give a damn about saving the world anymore.

“I can’t help you,” you said, realizing just how true that was. There wasn’t an ounce of energy within your body.

Though you had let yourself rot, you had grand plans of finding a curse you could never defeat. You would never be strong enough in your current state, and that was alright. You just wanted to go out with some semblance of a purpose, as Kento had. Maybe that way, it wouldn’t feel so much like a suicide.

“I know,” Gojo sighed, and you waited a minute before he spoke again. “That’s not why I came.”

You breathed; the process was no longer subconscious. “Then why are you here?”

Gojo came around the bed to stand in front of you once more, so close that he blocked your view of the window. His icy irises had been revealed, somehow warning you just how serious he was about this intervention.

The laugh you couldn’t muster up came out in a shaky exhale. You weren’t scared of Gojo, and you certainly weren’t impressed by him enough to listen to whatever wisdom he wanted to bestow upon you.

“I just want to help my old friend.” A twinge of pity in his voice irritated you, even though it was warranted. The scene before him couldn’t evoke any sort of emotion except for pathetic despair. “Is that so hard to believe?”

“No.” Your muscles were weak as you maneuvered your shoulder in a half-hearted shrug. “I just don’t care. Not even Satoru Gojo can fix everything. I thought you’ve learned that by now.” It was cruel, you knew that, but you spat the words without regret, rolling onto your back.

The stiffness in your hips alleviated, and finally, he couldn’t pin you with his gaze. You could only imagine the way he’d flinched at your comment, wondering when the shy, sweet girl from his youth had become such a bitter woman.  

Your eyes glued to the ceiling, and you imagined Kento there beside you, staring at you with a wistful smile while you merely blinked up at the white walls.

Gojo said your name again. Then he was tugging on your arm, and the clench around your heart unfurled, bringing you away from the desperate fantasy.

“Look at me,” Gojo said, and his words were harsher, exasperated, and you realized he’d been talking this entire time, minutes of one-sided conversation flowing in one ear and out the other.

“No, Satoru,” you growled, trying to resist, even though you didn’t have the strength. He pulled you to a seated position easily, forcing you to look at him once more, and never let go of your wrist. “Get out of my house.”

“Not until you talk to me.”

“Get out.”

“No.” Satoru stared at you, his eyes cold and unflinching, and for a moment, you realized just how fearsome he could be, why so many curses looked him in the eye and remembered that they didn’t stand a chance. Then, he blinked, and that image was gone, left with the picture of a broken man who had lost too many friends, and was trying not to lose you too. “You won’t talk to anyone; you won’t see anyone. You’re destroying yourself like this. I won’t let it go on any longer.”

The sympathy and disappointment in his voice disgusted you, and you recoiled with a renewed strength, slapping his hand away. “I don’t care if you want to be a hero now. You couldn’t help Kento, and you can’t help me. What good is being the strongest if you can’t even save the people that you care about?”

Gojo tensed, his jaw clenching like you’d slapped him across the face. That, at least, gave you some sort of satisfaction, even if it only lasted for a moment. A twinge of regret started, burning brighter and brighter until the weight of your comment came down on you.

There was a point to being angry at the world, to projecting your suffering onto strangers. They would never bear witness to every ounce of your misery. But Gojo had known you since you were a child, had cared about Kento too, and you were treating him no better than the curses that had killed the man you loved.

“Fine,” Gojo said more tersely. “I can’t help you. You have to want to help yourself, too.” He raked a hand across his face, revealing dark, purple circles, and sallow skin. The two of you were an ugly picture—the perfect personification of every struggle a jujutsu sorcerer could experience. “I just thought you’d want to know you still have a friend. Nanami and Haibara may be gone, and…” He looked away, mouth pulling down further. “Suguru, but I’m still here, you know?”

You swallowed, even though your lips were too parched to produce any saliva. They were cottony and stuck together as you spoke. “Don’t come back here, Gojo.” Though you swayed, lightheaded, you didn’t lay back down, only curled your knees into your chest, feeling small. “I don’t want to be a sorcerer anymore. I don’t want to remember any of it.”

Gojo hesitated, disappointed that his previous comment hadn’t hit as hard as he’d intended.

“What will you do, then?” he asked, his hands helplessly dangling by his side before he moved to sit beside you.

“Nothing.” The word felt like a punishment to say, even when that’s all you’d been doing, for days. Your life meant nothing anymore, so there was no point in trying. “I’ll forget I ever loved Kento Nanami and then I’ll disappear.”

Gojo’s face turned, his eyes narrowing, lips curling down. “No, you won’t.”

You almost came back with a childish retort—but it no longer seemed worth it. You turned back towards the window, wondering if it would rain soon. The sky looked like it might.

“Why not?”

“Because you’re the only person still alive who knew Nanami exactly as he was. There are people out there who cared enough about the both of you to not let you throw that all away.”

Guilt gnawed at you. Kento may not have ever respected Gojo for his decisions as a sorcerer, but deep down, he’d always known that he was a good man who tried to do right by everyone.

“What am I supposed to do, then?” you said, quietly at first, swallowing back the heavy emotions that weighed on you. Satoru watched you, never interrupting, though your pause was long and burdened. “I just want it to stop. It hurts so much, Satoru.”

“I know.”

“Everyone moved on like Shibuya never happened.” You twirled the ring around your finger as the heavy tears returned, ones that you’d thought had long been expelled. It seemed impossible that someone should be able to cry without end, yet, your grief was unrelenting, and your cheeks grew wet once more. “Everyone kept going, and I can’t do that. I can’t pretend like I didn’t lose my entire future. I’m never going to get married, Satoru. I’ll never be able to—”

You stopped, choked by your own emotions as a lump rose in your throat, sour like bile. It was the first time you’d said the words out loud. They tasted worse than they felt in your mind. You’d never be able to call Kento Nanami your husband.

Gojo’s eyes softened, and though he reached for you, you flinched away, swallowing over and over to bury your tears. Heaving breaths came, unsteady.

“Nanami wouldn’t want this for you.” It was cruel, too close to mockery to make you feel anything but anger.

You already knew that you were disappointing the man who loved you with every fiber of his being. The sight of you so weakened would wreck Kento, but you couldn’t get yourself to move out of the house. Not even when your skin yearned for a ray of sunlight, or your body screamed for something other than the stale convenience store snacks.

“Don’t say that. Kento’s not here anymore.” His name came out choked on your lips, the first time you’d said it since screaming it in misery. The word didn’t feel so much like love anymore. It was sorrow, wrapped into two tiny syllables. “What he’d want doesn’t matter.”

Satoru lowered his voice, treating you as fragile as you’d become, uncertain how to speak to someone who would never want to listen. “It does matter. He loved you so much.”

You covered your ears, squeezed your eyes shut. “Satoru, please. Stop it.”

“He’d want you to be happy—”

“I don’t care.” You spoke over his ramblings and pushed him away until you were certain he’d fall off the bed. Though, it did nothing to move him, strong and steadfast Satoru Gojo who would never be toppled. “You just don’t understand. I replay it over and over in my head, wondering why I wasn’t there, why you weren’t there.” You dropped your head in your hands, breathing into your palms like a paper bag. “It’s not fair.”

“Nothing’s fair.” Satoru said, the age-old cliché, a hand hesitant on your wrist. He was quiet when he said your name again. “I know how you feel.”

“No you don’t.” You slapped him away, even when he held strong, even when he let you see the anguish he usually hid away, let it erase the warmth from his expression.

You remembered dark long hair, kind brown eyes, a young man who had once held such a promising future. Two best friends that perhaps had been more, never sharing the secrets of their ill-fated bond.

“No, you don’t.”

Gojo was scooting closer, pulling you into his arms, the embrace tight, protective.

He was serious and sullen in a way that you hadn’t seen since Geto died. Gojo was a master at veiling his emotions in laughter, but it seemed now that your own emptiness was reflected back at you, the sheer desire to stop existing all at once.

“I know it better than anyone.” Nothing more than a whisper. The tears were too heavy and hot; there was nothing you could do to stop them. “You’re not alone.”

You were quiet for a moment, then another, before everything that you’d been feeling for the past two weeks crashed upon you like a wave, drowning you, and you were unable to breathe, clinging to Gojo like he was the only thing holding you above water.

You’d known Kento for ten years. You’d been strangers, friends, lovers parted by death before either of you had turned thirty, and though you weren’t the only person who had lost someone in Shibuya, you felt like the only one who was too weak to recover from it.

“Satoru.” Your voice broke. “I don’t know how to live without him.”

Gojo smiled. “You find a way.” Said so confidently, a man who’d been through it all before, and your heart shattered with sobs that came out uncontrollably, soaking Satoru’s shoulder.

Desperately, you clawed at his back, wishing you could wear his skin as a protective shield, could tear his heart out of his chest and trade it for your own, if only to gain an ounce of his strength. He held you tight in his arms, but nothing about him was the same, right down to the very blue eyes that had lost all their arrogance. Both had dimmed, and even the infinity within them seemed to end.

He didn’t smell like Kento, didn’t feel like Kento—but no one else had comforted you since he’d died, so you let him. Satoru kissed your forehead with an affection you’d already forgotten, reminding you to move on.

You never would.

[ddarker-dreams]

The Good Ol' Days.

Yan Alhaitham x F Reader x Yan Kaveh.

Warnings: Yandere themes, unhealthy relationships and implied kidnapping. Word count: 2.1k.

The sweeter the past, the more bitter the present.

“Seriously, this isn’t fair! Let her roll again!”

“I’m not sure what you expected from a game that revolves around chance.”

You've heard this before, you think. Not the exact verbiage, no, but the sentiment strikes a chord. Plucks at your heartstrings in a familiar melody. 

“Well, fine, let me lend her some of my money then.” 

“First, we both know that’s against the rules; and second, even if you sold your single Mondstadt property, you wouldn’t have enough to cover the charge. Your strategy of holding out in case you land on a Waypoint is as brilliant as ever.” 

The hot passion met by cool indifference that leaves you forces you into the mediator role. This position was specially formed for you, shaped in such a way that no one else could ever fit. Consequently, it adheres to your person too well, you can’t go forward or backward. You’re stuck. The more you struggle, the tighter your restraints become. 

“You…! I won once, when I got all four Waypoints. It’s a viable tactic. Right, [First]? Don’t you remember how huffy he was the night he came in last? … [First]?”

When opposing temperatures meet, condensation forms. 

“... You’re crying,” Kaveh sounds as if he’s seen a ghost, but it’s only you. “Is something wrong?” 

The better question would be what isn’t wrong. He won’t ask that, though, so you’ll never get to properly answer. You sit as still as a statue on the couch. From your display stand, you sense you’re being stared at by two sets of eyes, one distraught, the other scrutinizing. The former comes from your left and the latter from across the table. 

Kaveh’s hands cup both sides of your face. He wipes away the few wayward tears with the pad of this thumb, his eyebrows pinching together. Wordlessly, Alhaitham gets up from his cushion on the floor and takes his place by your right side. Their towering forms seal you in place. 

“You made her cry,” Kaveh accuses, his eyes narrowing. “You should’ve just let me go bankrupt for her.” 

“For someone who claims I have the emotional intelligence of a rock, you can be rather dense yourself. I sincerely doubt that has anything to do with this.” 

“Then why is she—” 

“I remember,” you somehow manage to squeeze the words out of your tight throat. Their attention returns to you. Your next words come out quietly. “That game, I mean. When you won. You had another glass of wine to celebrate, and… kept drunkenly throwing your victory in Alhaitham’s face. You slept through your alarm the next morning and missed a meeting with a high-profile client.” 

“Oh, yeah, that’s right,” Kaveh nods along slowly. He’s using that gentle, soothing tone from when this nightmare began and he didn’t want to upset you further. You can tell he’s trying desperately to follow along despite not having the directions necessary.

“After that, you started a campaign to not speak to Alhaitham until he apologized, but he didn’t even realize you were ignoring him,” the sound you let out is in between a choked sob and laugh. Kaveh’s arms fall limp as if they’ve lost all strength. “He told me… ‘Lately, Kaveh is more tolerable to be around’, or something like that.” 

You hug your knees to your chest. “Since you weren’t willing to talk to Alhaitham, you’d have me relay messages. It was silly. Eventually, I got you guys to make amends. It was like pulling teeth though. Heh. Thinking about it now, I can’t help wondering how many times I dug my own grave.” 

Kaveh softly speaks your name, but Alhaitham finds words before he can.

“So that’s what this is about,” Alhaitham notes. When you first met the brilliant Scribe, you mistakenly interpreted his rationality for apathy. You know better now. If he were truly disinterested, he wouldn’t bother stringing words together, curt as they may be. “Dwelling on the past only leads to unnecessary grief.” 

Kaveh sends a halfhearted glare in Alhaitham’s direction. “What he means to say is that you shouldn’t blame yourself.” 

“Because it wouldn’t have changed anything?” You question, staring deep into Kaveh’s eyes, their color reminiscent of the burning sun setting over the desert. 

He averts his gaze and swallows thickly. “Well…” 

“What he wants to say is that yes, it wouldn’t have mattered,” Alhaitham chimes in where Kaveh is hesitant to. Such is the nature of their dynamic when you’re involved — barbed truths or coddling lies. “The future we were envisioning had already been decided.” 

“The condemned can’t condemn themselves, huh?” You chuckle mirthlessly. 

They both frown. 

“You aren’t condemned, you’re— you’re free from having to worry about those things you used to stress over. Rent, bills, deadlines, you know. The worst parts of life. You can focus on your passions without any restraints now,” Kaveh reasons. Or so he tries. 

You gnaw on your lower lip. It’s been a while since you’ve bothered arguing with either of them on the subjects that truly matter, those topics have been deemed taboo. You can complain about Kaveh’s clinginess when he’s drunk or how tight Alhaitham holds you at night, but should you try to steer the conversation toward your captivity, it’s shut down. Kaveh makes you wish you never brought it up whereas Alhaitham instills regret that you dared to try. 

They’re both bracing themselves, you can feel it in the air. Sitting and awaiting a tempest of emotions that one will try to soothe and the other wave away. 

You think about fighting then remember why you stopped, falling into this limbo of existing without living. 

You could challenge Kaveh’s weak point. Demand to know why he doesn’t do the same then, never leaving the four walls of Alhaitham’s house, committing himself wholly to drawing up blueprints. Alhaitham might make some dry comment that he wouldn’t allow Kaveh to leech off him, or maybe Kaveh would apologize, and say that he didn’t intend to upset you. He would mean it too. You’d cry, beg, scream until your throat was raw and your voice scratchy, but in Alhaitham’s own words, it wouldn’t have mattered. 

Their minds are made up. Their resolve is an unshakable foundation upon which your gaol is built. In the same way they soundproofed the house, so too are their hearts insulated from any argument that’d champion your cause. You tried and failed and tried and failed again. 

At least if you don’t try, you won’t experience failure. 

“... Alright.” 

They exchange brief looks. 

“Alright?” Kaveh parrots the word, but without matching your listless tone. “That’s— oh. Huh. Okay.” 

He mumbles the last few words to himself, as if trying to process them aloud. You can’t fault him for his confusion. 

It’s silent then, the kind that holds weight. You uncurl yourself from your protective shell. You feel like a specimen being subjected to naturalistic observation, neither researcher willing to interfere, lest it negatively influence their data’s results. There’s a lot you can get used to — you had no other choice, really — yet that never fails to make you uncomfortable in your own skin. Unwilling to endure it any longer, you quickly form an escape plan. 

“Well,” you start, earning their rapt attention, “I think I’m going to, uh, call it a night.” 

You stand up as you say this. There’s a light pressure on your wrist, chaining you in place. 

“Stay,” Alhaitham’s voice urges. Your muscles go taut, then you hear a subdued sigh. “If you don't mind.” 

Kaveh must’ve given him quite the nasty look for Alhaitham to get that close to saying please. You sit back down, almost in a trance, as if the Scribe had cast a spell. Glancing down, you realize it’s Alhaitham who grabbed your wrist. He doesn't let go when you situate yourself back into place. 

Kaveh takes his chance to tether you as well. Lithe arms encircle you, gently pulling you into him. The side of your face presses against his chest, his bare skin exuding copious amounts of heat. He smells familiar, for this scene is familiar. Desperation with a hint of citrus and spice. He cradled you a lot in the beginning, shushing your sobs and drying your tears. At first, you’d resist, flailing your limbs wildly like you were a feral cat. Inevitably, his strength and stamina outlasted yours. 

His nose brushes against the crown of your head. “I care about you more than I could ever properly convey. Whatever you’re thinking, I can take it. Er, we can take it. I’d prefer that over you blaming yourself for anything.” 

Dazedly, you nod. He goes quiet, then, preparing himself for an onslaught you can bring yourself to unleash. Seconds bleed into one after another. You hear the furious pounding of Kaveh’s heartbeat. How if you twist your body, his breath hitches in his throat. It’s nice to know that at least his body will always be honest with you where his well-meaning words fall short. 

“You’re trying to regain a semblance of control by thinking ‘had I done this, or had I not done that, it wouldn’t have ended up this way.’” 

Kaveh exhales sharply through his nose. “Alhaitham, that’s enough.” 

“Let me finish,” he continues. His fingers creep onto your chin and take your face captive. He peels you away from your position against Kaveh, who stubbornly refuses to relinquish his grasp on your torso. Alhaitham’s countenance is close to yours so as not to leave any room for you to cower away. Those analytical eyes that can pick apart the world have you in their sights. “Do you know why you’re here, [First]?” 

In the past, when you struggled with an assignment or class, the infamously disinterested Alhaitham would take it upon himself to tutor you. He was a fair yet strict teacher. On those long nights spent hunched over a messy desk, he’d have a different air about him. He stretched you. In the moment, it felt like he was demanding more than what you could provide, but upon further reflection, he just knew what limits you could be pushed to better. 

“I’d like an answer.” 

You take a deep, shaky breath. “Because you both claim to hold some sort of affection for me.” 

Kaveh would look like a kicked puppy if you said this to him. It’s Alhaitham, though, and his composure is infallible. 

“Word it however spitefully you want, you get the gist of things,” he drawls. The intensity behind his gaze is enough to make you shiver. “If nothing you’ve been able to say or do has changed our mind now, why would it have back then? It might feel good to sulk, but your logic is erroneous. You’re making yourself miserable only to see if this wallowing is more palatable than the kind you’re used to.” 

You hate when Alhaitham’s right. It’s a shame he so frequently is. 

“Can you blame me?” 

“... No,” he admits. “But this proto-nihilism is worse for your mental well-being than anything else you’ve tried so far. I’d like to nip it in the bud.” 

Your smile is thin and far from kind. “Because it makes you uncomfortable?” 

“I’ll leave that to your overactive imagination to decide.” 

He relinquishes his grip on you, leans back into the couch, and crosses his legs. That posture positively irks you. Sparks from kindling flitter throughout your being like confetti. 

“Seriously, you have no tact,” Kaveh rests his chin atop your head. “They should study you in a lab somewhere.” 

“Says the one who’s taking advantage of [First]'s emotional vulnerability to cling to her like a parasite.” 

“Hey! Don’t listen to him, [First]. He’s just being a grump. You don’t think that’s what I’m doing, right?”

“I’d like to roll again,” you adopt a sickeningly sweet tone while addressing Alhaitham. “Please.” 

“... Right? [First]?” Kaveh tries again.

Alhaitham speaks up before you can even consider entertaining the whining male behind you. “And why should I bend the rules for you?” 

You lean forward with enough momentum that you’re able to break free from Kaveh’s grasp. Newfound vigor burns inside you. Perhaps a day will come when it extinguishes, but as for now, the flame ignites anew. Hot and ready to burn. 

Your lips brush against Alhaitham’s ear. “Are you afraid of losing?” 

He looks at you from the corner of his eyes, bemusement evident. The start of a smirk dances on his lips. 

“Not at all. Roll as many times as you please.” 

And so you cast the die again. 

Come what may — an unlikely win, tense truce, or total loss — you refuse to capitulate without trying.

[howlsofbloodhounds]

Hellooo! Can you tell more about Color Sans? I always see stuff about him, but I know nothing??? Like, I know that he has some connection to Killer, but I never undertand it :(

Gladly! I am actually working on a Google Doc for Color and his AU, Othertale, at the moment. It is not complete, but here is a link to the Doc if you’d like to give it a look. Not everything is on there yet and it’s not very organized I don’t think, but there’s some links, pictures, and the creator’s socials.

If you’d like to look up the creator, you can give superyoumna and othertale-blog here on Tumblr a look, or superyoumna over on YouTube.

Now Color’s connection to Killer is that they’re friends, and Color is trying to help Killer leave Nightmare and potentially fix his soul—as Killer has asked him to.

The exact nature of their meeting is left up to interpretation according to Killer’s creator, rahafwabas, and the exact nature of their relationship—platonic, romantic, queer platonic, etc—is also left to interpretation, although Killer’s creator has stated they see it more like bromantic than romantic.

Both Killer and Color’s creators, who were and still seem to be good friends (killer’s creator even helped design backgrounds for Othertale), also were very supportive of shipping them.

Color, according to Killer, is someone who gives him hope. He brings light to Killer’s grey, lifeless world; and Killer feels safe with him. Color makes him feel seen, heard, respected. And Color just really wants to do right by Killer, and help him to the best of his abilities.

Now, on to Color’s AU—Othertale. It’s probably more accurate to say that Othertale was an alternate timeline that, due to a choice, became an AU.

After going through his own sets of Genocides and Resets, Sans made a hasty choice in a moment of desperation—absorb the six human souls. This gave him new, very strong abilities—as you can see in the links in the Google Doc—yet his body is very fragile. Overusing his abilities can and will kill him.

So Sans manages to finally permanently kill the human, but this causes a Reset. Sans is sent to the Void with Gaster where he is forgotten by everyone, Frisk and Chara are erased and forgotten as well. So the world attempts to adapt to the absence of the six human souls and its major players.

This results in Othertale, in which Undyne is actually the main character. In this AU, Undyne encounters a young Papyrus in the garbage dump—dealing with bullying, appearing to be alone and homeless without anyone to take care of him, and only coming to Undyne for help from bullies since they met after “the explosion”—and proceeds to take him under her wings as her baby brother. She finds a passion for playing the piano, and often uses her abilities to entertain the Underground.

Because she was too concerned with raising Papyrus, she never attempts to join the Royal Guard; and so Gerson remains its Captain. As a further result, Papyrus has no interest in fighting or joining the Royal Guard either; instead becoming a math teacher.

The promise to Toriel never happens because Sans was not there to give it, although Color remembers it.

The amalgamates do not exist in Othertale, and so Alphys is a lot more sure of herself and confident. There is no way to break the barrier, although admittedly monsters in Othertale seem a lot more content in the Underground, although they still maintain hope. Mettaton was given his body a lot earlier, and seems more like a weapon than an Underground star.

However, trouble arises when an error suddenly reveals itself—going by the name of corrupted chara, although it seems pretty obvious that it is the Player, here to keep playing by taking other vessels now that Frisk is gone. In an attempt to stop this, Color and Gaster elect Undyne’s help—despite how she has no idea what’s happening.

And that’s the general premise of the AU. I am unsure if it is discontinued or if there’s still plans to continue, but it’s just delayed.

As for Color’s character on its own, we unfortunately don’t get much on him canonically due to him not being the main character and the AU not being finished.

He still has a lot of characteristics that Classic Sans does, however the traits and influence/compulsions of the six human souls he absorbed—kindness, patience, perseverance, justice, bravery, integrity—have an immense effect on him and his life, even to the point potentially being dangerous for him.

He is said to not make jokes as much as anymore, although he still does, and he often is quicker to emotional outbursts or anger. He has an intense fear of being alone or forgotten again, to the point he’d get involved in things that are harmful for himself or stick around groups to avoid being lonely—although his creator said he’s often likely to take on a “voice of reason” role in any group he’s in.

If you look of the effects of prolonged solitary confinement and isolation, it is understandable why he has a harder time controlling his emotions and doesn’t wish to feel that sense of being alone again.

A common interpretation in parts of the fandom is that, not only due to his isolation, but due to a hc that he is Autistic, he is often prone to overwhelm and overstimulation—often needing his alone time anyway, even if he’s likely to deny himself what he needs.

A common HC is that he is a nomad, full of wanderlust, not wanting to feel trapped or stuck in the same place again—having developed perhaps some special interests in traveling and keeping track of the lores of AUs he encounters.

It is due to his nature and being Autistic, but also the fact of wanting to stay near Killer wherever he happens to currently be, that it’s headcanoned that Color takes seasonal or part time jobs.

Enough to stay afloat without having to be tied down to one spot or burn himself out trying to keep up with 9 to 5 jobs.

It is also headcanoned that, due to his fear of being forgotten, that Color develops a special interest in photography. Keeping a camera with him, filling up scrapbooks and walls, and journaling.

Maybe he even takes up baking and gardening sometimes. Color’s creator is also Egyptian I believe, so both he and Killer could likely speak Arabic, and it’s possible to implement parts of the culture and beliefs into his character. And also elements of his physical disability, given one of his eyes are gone and his skull is busted open.

Color is also said to be friends with Delta!Sans and Epic!Sans, forming a group known as the Epic Sanses, and I HC’d that when Color first accepted Core!Frisk’s offer to live in the Omega Timeline, that he and Delta were roommates.

Color also hates Nightmare. For how he treats AUs, innocent people, Color’s friends, and especially how he hurts Killer “the most.” Due to the fact that Nightmare canonically replaces Killer with other versions of himself, it is often accepted by Color!Sans lovers that Color’s PTSD worsens, he develops separation anxiety, survivor’s guilt, and compassion fatigue due to the many times he has tried and failed to save and protect all the Killers that Nightmare replaces.

Color struggles to give up on Killer, he can’t do it, and it very likely comes close to killing him more and more every time. Leaving Color to have to rely on the support of his friends Epic and Delta. Color’s opinion of Nightmare is formed by the absolute cruelty Color has consistently witnessed first hand from him, but also the cruelty he’s been on the receiving end of.

Color is often seen as that burnt out therapist friend, the one who everyone wants to go to in order to talk about their problems and ask for advice, and Color struggles to set boundaries in these areas—not only because he doesn’t want to run the risk of pushing people away and being alone again, but because kindness and justice often struggle to let him to.

Essentially, Color has been completely forgotten by the world he only ever tried to protect. For his attempts to save and protect the people he cares about more than anything, the world seems to just consistently punish him for even trying.

He’s forgotten, he’s alone, he’s pushed aside, he fails. He’s forced to watch everyone go on without him, and when Killer becomes his world, he’s forced to watch as he’s constantly destroyed over and over and despite everything Color somehow still survives.

Yet he refuses to give up. Doing so would go against everything he believes in, everything he is.

(. @qin-qin16 ).

[canonizzyhours]

The thing that really upsets me about the canyon is - look, they're always claiming their opponents are committing the sin of Character Hate, right? Character Hate is supposedly always bad faith and always wrong. But the only takes on Izzy that they'll accept as not qualifying as "hate" are ones that require incredibly bad faith uncharitable interpretations of other characters.

Season 1 left a lot of stuff about Izzy open to interpretation. But one thing was clear: what Izzy said to Ed in the "namby-pamby" scene was not just cruel in the usual way it's cruel to tell someone who's heartbroken to just man up because he'd be better off dead than acting like this (which would be bad enough honestly), it was the absolute most hurtful thing Ed Teach specifically could hear at that moment because it was stabbing him directly in the core trauma he'd carried for his entire life. Ed's absolute worst fear in the whole world is that the violence he's capable of, as exemplified by having killed his dad, proves he is a monster instead of an actual human person capable of love or friendship. So Izzy tells him he's just embarrassing himself trying to reach out to others, says his real self is a violent monster, then goads him till he does something violent and says see, this is the real you. That's insanely targeted. If you sat down and tried to think of the single most most incredibly harmful and triggering thing you could say or do to Ed you couldn't have done any better.

So that means the viewer has two options for how to interpret Izzy:

1) Izzy does not really know Ed very well at all when you get down to it, despite how long they've worked together. He doesn't get what Ed's trauma is all about or how it affects him and the fact that what he said is Ed's absolute deepest fear is just a coincidence. So he truly does not understand just how hurtful he's being and would never have said that stuff if he'd known.

or

2) Izzy does understand Ed pretty accurately and therefore he is being incredibly viciously cruel on purpose by deliberately reinforcing his most painful and unhealthy beliefs about himself, knowing how it's going to affect him.

Those are the only two possibilities! You could have an Izzy whose relationship with Ed was close enough to deeply understand him, or you could have an Izzy who actually cared about Ed and didn't want to hurt him. But you could not have both. The closer you assumed Ed and Izzy were, and the more actual trust and intimacy and understanding you thought existed between them, then the crueler you had to assume Izzy was being.

But the canyon didn't want to accept that! They want to insist that Ed and Izzy had a really close relationship involving trust and intimacy and understanding AND that Izzy cares deeply about Ed's well-being and only ever wants to act in his best interests. So they found a third option, which was to just throw out Ed's entire character arc.

If you refused to believe Ed's arc was what it very obviously was, then you could deny that Izzy was actually being all that hurtful. You just deny that Ed's arc is about fearing the exact things Izzy told him were true about himself. Instead they said...well, a lot of them just didn't seem to really care that they didn't have a clear sense of what Ed's arc was at all, but those who did seem to care about Ed settled on: Ed's problem is that he actually DOES have something deeply wrong with him that makes him uncontrollably violent and he's simply trying to run away from that, which is unhealthy, so Izzy is looking out for him by trying to force him to confront these hard truths, which he needs to do before he can grow. But unfortunately Ed completely overreacted to Izzy's harsh truth-telling.

Now I mean think about the narrative this implies. This means OFMD is a romcom centered around the idea that the indigenous lead's deep seated belief that he's an uncontrollably violent monster is ACTUALLY TRUE and the white man who tells him so is just trying to help him. That would be a narrative that was (a) incredibly mean-spirited, (b) intensely racist, and (c) made no sense at all as a love story centered on this character. Which is how you should be able to tell it's an absurd read! And it's supposed to be the people who say "no, Ed's arc is what it looks like, which means Izzy either isn't especially close to him or is emotionally abusing him on purpose" who are spreading character hate.

This is why we're always pointing out that you have to understand Ed is a lead character and Izzy is a supporting one. I know the canyon thinks that's some sort of pedantry but it matters here, because if an interpretation you like because of what it does for a supporting character's arc comes at the cost of making the lead character's arc totally nonsensical, that's a pretty basic way you can tell it's reading against the text!

So now we're post season 2. And season 2 not only unsurprisingly followed up on the character arc Ed actually did have in season 1, but it managed to go with the canyon worst case scenario of repeatedly reinforcing that Izzy really does not understand Ed very well in many ways AND ALSO AT THE SAME TIME specifying in his final scene that Izzy DID understand JUST enough to realize the whole time that he was being terrible to Ed and did it anyway on purpose for years. Super embarrassing for those guys. I guess the massive tantrums they threw about season 2 aren't really a surprise.

#406.

[theunsinkableship1]

A very mindful deep dive into Nicola's posts.

DISCLAIMER: This is LUKOLALAND only. Do not read if you're not a shipper. This is PURE SPECULATION. No harm intended.

Recently, the ever-graceful and thoughtful Nicola has been quite active on Instagram, treating us to regular posts. True to her style, each post is carefully considered, and as always, she's been incredibly mindful of her audience. With every update, she's sent Lukolaland into a whirlwind of excitement or total chaos, as fans eagerly dissect each post in search of hidden meanings. Even when we're unsure of the exact message, the theories continue to swirl.

 Theory 1 The scrabble game is a message for the Adjacent.

N likes scrabble and she has a degree in English, take that in account.The words on the board appear to be randomly placed without an immediately obvious hidden message. However, we could interpret or connect the words in various ways to find underlying messages based on the context, a complex and layered message, potentially from N to someone possibly "A".  Here’s my interpretation using literal meanings, slang and abbreviations.

DAD: Might refer to L (N and L are referred to as Mom and Dad), bringing in a personal element to the message.

DIRT: Refers to something unethical or malicious, indicating wrongdoing.

DEAD: N might be signaling that something is irrevocably over.

FATE: suggesting that no matter the actions taken, some outcomes are destined.

LIED: Suggests that someone has been dishonest. N might be accusing "A" of lying or referring to a broader context where lies have played a significant role.

LAG: Could suggest that someone has been slow to act, respond, or understand the situation. It might imply that someone has been too slow to realize the consequences of their actions or has been dragging their feet in addressing something important. Could refer to L

HUG: Could signify a need for her to comfort L, showing that despite everything, there’s still a longing for connection.

HEY A: a greeting or attention-grabber, setting up the following points.

WATCH: A warning to "A" to be cautious, as something is about to unfold.

HIL: Indicates that "he is leaving," possibly confirming that L is departing or has already decided to leave.

WOO: Implies attempts to win someone over, possibly through romantic gestures.

RIB:(slang) Implies teasing or provocation, possibly indicating a tense or challenging dynamic.

GIZMOS: Represents unknown factors or tools that are in play, adding complexity to the situation.

OOMS: One of my subscribers Refers to A or an unspecified party involved in the situation who monitors N’s activity on social networks

WERE: Suggesting it’s in the past now.

FLED: Suggests that someone may have run away or is trying to escape the situation.

FEAR: Indicates that fear might have motivated A’s actions or warns her of the consequences that should be feared.

RIV: Conveys feistiness and readiness to the fight.

PRUNE:(slang) Refers to someone being foolish, which could be an insult or critique directed at "A."

PRINT: Suggests that something may have been a scandal or will become public knowledge, hinting at exposure.

MINT: Could refer to money, possibly hinting at financial motivations or consequences.

SEX: Implies that intimacy or sexual manipulation was used, perhaps as a diversion or as a key factor in the situation.

STONE: (slang) testicles symbolizes courage or resilience, possibly suggesting that someone needs to be strong in the face of adversity.

JET: Suggests leaving quickly, possibly advising "A" to be prepared to depart or implying that someone has already left.

The combination of these words suggests an undercurrent of tension, with themes of trust, control, exposure, and perhaps an attempt to seek comfort or truth in a challenging situation. It might be a reflection possibly relating to a complex relationship or public scrutiny. The mix of positive and negative words could imply that N feels wronged, is seeking validation, or is trying to navigate a challenging situation.

Theory 2 Her post for her best friend birthday, a jab at N’s friends.

N knows how to kill two birds with one stone. She posted pictures of her with her best friend C with the following caption:

“Happy Birthday @C I love you so much that I could never imagine my life without you!!! Remember the time paparazzi took a picture of us and to protect me you grabbed my face?”

This seems a little bit random but it’s not. It’s actually quite relevant. During that time, Luke’s friends faced a lot of backlash for revealing his whereabouts and private activities supposedly without his consent or knowledge, with some even speculating they were in cahoots with the paparazzi. In contrast, Nicola’s post demonstrated how a true friend should act in such situations, and C perfectly exemplifies what genuine friendship looks like. They should take notes and thank those ladies for this masterclass.

Theory 3: Bless the telephone is for L

Bless the Telephone" is a soulful, gentle song by Labi Siffre The song's theme revolves around the significance of hearing the voice of a loved one through the telephone. It's a reflection on how such a small and ordinary act receiving a phone call can bring immense happiness and a sense of closeness, even when physically apart.

The lyrics express gratitude for the ability to connect with someone dear, emphasizing the warmth and reassurance that a simple phone call can bring.

“It's nice to hear your voice again I've waited all day long Even wrote a song for you It's strange, the way you make me feel With just a word or two I'd like to do the same for you

It's nice to hear you say "hello" And "how are things with you? I love you" But very soon it's time to go An office job to do While I'm here writing songs for you

Strange How a phone call can change your day Take you away Away The lyrics express the joy and comfort found in hearing someone's voice,This could relate to Nicola's feelings towards Luke, where she yearns for a connection that might have been strained or weakened these past months.

The line, "I've waited all day long, even wrote a song for you," suggests one person putting in a lot of effort to maintain or reignite the connection, while the other person is busy. This could symbolize an imbalance in their relationship, where N feels she is investing more emotionally while L may be preoccupied with other aspects of his life.

This could reflect how N might feel that despite the challenges in their relationship, small gestures from L still have the power to bring her joy and remind her of their connection.

N perceives L's words or actions as powerful enough to change her day or mood, highlighting the sensitivity and emotional investment she has in their relationship.

This song could be N's way of communicating that she values the connection they share and is thankful for it, no matter how small or brief their interactions might be.

The song captures the bittersweet reality of how something as simple as a phone call can momentarily lift someone's spirits, even when the underlying issues in the relationship remain unresolved.

Theory 4 Juna is about L

“Come to me slowly

It's when you talk close enough That I feel it on my skin, breathe it in Most of these days (most of these days) I don't get too intimate Why would I let you in? (Why would I let you in?) But I think again

I don't even try I don't have to think With you, there's no pretending

You know me, you know me And I just might know you too, know you Come to me ready”

The song "Juna" by Clairo revolves around themes of intimacy, vulnerability, and authenticity in relationships. It conveys the idea of gradually opening up to someone special, letting down emotional barriers, and allowing yourself to be truly seen and understood by another person.

Clairo's lyrics suggest that being with someone who knows you deeply brings out the best in you, inspiring you to explore new facets of your identity and live life more fully. Overall, "Juna" is a celebration of genuine human connection and the beauty of sharing meaningful experiences with someone who truly understands you.

N could be sharing a part of her emotional world, inviting L to understand her feelings on a deeper level.

The lyrics express a hesitation to become too intimate or let someone in easily ("Most of these days I don't get too intimate"). This could symbolize N's cautious approach towards deepening her emotional connection with L, possibly due to past experiences or fear of getting hurt. N said that she hasn’t been in love since she was 9.

Despite the caution, there is an acknowledgment that with this person, there's no need for pretense ("With you, there's no pretending"). This line could reflect how N feels a genuine and effortless connection with L where she can be her true self without having to put up any walls. She has always stated that L is a special relationship in her life like no other.

The lyrics suggest a mutual understanding and recognition between the two ("You know me, you know me, And I just might know you too"). This could indicate that N feels that L understands her on a deep level, and she believes she understands him as well, that there is a strong bond between them.

The invitation to "Come to me slowly" and "Come to me ready" implies a desire for the relationship to progress at a pace that allows both to be fully prepared and present. This could signify N's hope that their relationship will continue to grow, but at a pace where both she and L are emotionally ready to embrace it fully.

These lyrics reflect the delicate balance of vulnerability, caution, and deep connection. N may be grappling with the tension between her natural inclination to protect herself and the undeniable bond she feels with Luke. The song captures the idea that true intimacy takes time and readiness, and it suggests a hopeful anticipation of deepening that connection when both are fully prepared.

Conclusion on both songs: I I believe both songs are directed towards L because N is a very private person, and she’s fully aware of what Lukolaland thinks and hopes for. I don’t see her intentionally misleading a large part of her audience. I also think she was in love with L during the PR tour, and the distance and awkwardness we’ve seen between them wouldn’t exist if those kinds of feelings weren’t involved. The feelings seem mutual, and there’s an undeniable strong bond between them, as many in the fandom believe. It’s rare to have that with someone, let alone multiple people.

She isn’t missing EF or JD, as she’s been seen with them recently, and it’s safe to assume they’ve been in touch. If she were dating one of them, they’d already be together, and she wouldn’t be waiting for him to be ready. There are countless love songs she could have chosen, yet she picked these specific ones.

For those who doubted her intentions, she responded beautifully with a framed picture captioned: “Very demure, very mindful.” She loves a double entendre.

Final thoughts:

I believe that Nicola is very deliberate and thoughtful in how, when, and why she engages with her audience. She’s incredibly smart and aware, and while she might have a busy life, this kind of interaction is a meaningful part of it. Despite her being very demure, she’s also very human and very mindful and not above sending subtle messages. This is one of the reasons we admire her so much. While we might tend to overanalyze her every move, there’s often an underlying message in what she shares. These messages are usually intended for everyone because she chooses to make them public, rather than keeping them private or posting them only on her personal Instagram. She considers her fans and communicates with them in this way. I think she enjoys being playful and giving us little challenges. For me, it’s: Message received, challenge accepted.

*Correction: I've come to realize that I made a mistake. When Nicola said she hasn't been in love since she was 9, she was actually making a comparison with Penelope.

[9w1ft]

I'm a gaylor myself so this isn't coming from a place of hate but I really don't think karlie and taylor are still together, I think taylor still references her in her art and probably will for quite some time because that relationship -- whatever the nature of it was -- left such a deep impact on her. but I really can't see them still being together, I think she's forced herself to move on from karlie and has since dated a lot of other women. that doesn't mean her feelings for karlie have faded, just that they will probably always be there but they broke up for sure before 2019, I think. folklore and evermore, midnights even, are all breakup albums, I just can't see how they could still be together. especially all her anger and sadness in those songs that are thought of to be for karlie (like my tears ricochet or exile or mad woman) also the cover art being shoot in bedfords, new york, the exact same place where karlie got married feels more like taylor revisiting this place to really say goodbye and mourn her for one last final time so she can move on

sorry, this got a bit long, I just don't understand the appeal or the reasoning for lsk's because taylor has indicated so many times that they are over, she's been mourning her relationship with karlie quite publicly since 2019 (wearing all black during the lover era) so yeah

hi! i don’t usually respond to these but i’m not sensing any ill will so i’ve decided to give a reply a go.

first off, for me, i kinda just interpret her wearing black in the back end of lover era because her masters had gotten bought by scooter. and maybe the fact that she decided to not come out. there can be other reasons, but i really do not think that her breaking up with karlie has to be one of them.

another thing i can’t shake is the fact that it was a very notorious troll/manipulative person on tumblr who spread the first rumor that they broke up in 2019, a fact that is well understood by a lot of OG’s, and this troll got in the head of a few popular kaylor and gaylor swift accounts at the time and in doing so she got a lot of people to fold. she then went on to write all this progressively unhinged fanfiction about taylor and karlie trying to make one another jealous and sleeping with all these women, presented with the same level of seriousness with which she pushed the breakup agenda. even to this day, i see present day gaylors talk about stuff that stems from narratives this account and a few other power hungry accounts spread around many years ago and it honestly just goes to show how a lot of well known gaylors may be platformmed up but that don’t really know what they’re talking about.. i only write this because the troll deactivated about a year ago (maybe they’re lurking on platforms with more malleable minds—once a troll always a troll—but at least they’ve left here), they were a really dangerous person.. and several have wild receipts to prove it.

anyways sorry i recognize that’s a tangent, i guess what i mean to say by it is, a lot of the sentiment surrounding the idea of a 2019 breakup and the reinforcement of the narrative by a gaylor community none the wiser stems from the work of someone with disingenuous intentions. a lot of “masterposts” or “realistic timelines” draw from what this person made up and it’s gone through enough filters for it to seem like credible sentiment but like, if you were there and you read all of what she wrote you know how silly it all sounded and how incoherently it was all written.

okay so to circle back to more of a content-centric angle, in my interpretation of the events that gave us folklore, evermore, and midnights, taylor had so much to be sad about. her mom had been very sick, the pandemic arrived and she had to cancel lover fest, she had to come to terms with scott b having sold her work to her sworn enemy… songs on midnights and folklore, and on her lover era apple music playlist allude to certain other things that may have had her in a mournful mood. things were bad! and i don’t doubt that her and karlie have been through a lot. but for me, when you’ve got a ride or die love, you don’t just break up. this has been something frustrating for me and others, i think, to see so many people treat a relationship as either being all systems go or broken up, as if long term partners can’t experience sadness together, difficulty together, even heartbreak together.

i don’t like getting in to touchy subjects so much but there’s just been too much pointing towards what i consider to be a rather simple narrative that is a natural progression for people committed and in love. how did the lover music video begin and end? whats a randomly specific word in a song she performed at the grammys minutes after someone was announced to the world? what about taylor’s envisioned future stands out about the anti hero music video? i think i’ll stop here but idk man 😆 poke around my archive if you feel like wasting a few days of your life… there’s just been a consistent flow of the same kind of hijinks that we’ve seen from them for years, and i’d say that there are many songs that back up everything i’d want in order to stay invested in seeing if what i believe is true.

now, i know i just wrote what reads like a bunch of mumbo jumbo to people not following kaylor. but im okay with that. i’ve accepted that. and i know that the whole patterns and koincidences and twinning and symbolism beat isn’t for everyone and so i respect people’s decisions to believe they aren’t together, but in closing i’ll just say im sometimes at a loss to see time and time again people suggest that kaylors believe in kaylor because they find it appealing or because they want to ship it. when it’s literally not that— it just makes the most sense to a lot of us!

also, does this look like the face of someone mourning?

[snowy-equinox]

Revisiting Rahdue's Wheel

Rahdue’s Wheel is a much-larger-than-average tarot spread that originated from Eileen Connolly’s 1987 book, Tarot: The Handbook for the Journeyman. It’s difficult to find detailed information outside of the book, as its size makes it unpopular among most tarot readers. Hell, Connolly herself needs 28 pages to explain it all. Rahdue’s Wheel shows up occasionally on Tumblr or Reddit, but its reputation has mostly become a kind of “Eat the Pig Trough and Get Your Picture on the Wall” for diviners. 

It’s when you get past the size that you start to realize the spread itself has some problems. 

Tackling the ‘Size’ Premise

Let’s get the premise out of the way: Rahdue’s Wheel does not use all 78 cards. When you look at the spread in detail, it’s broken down into 7 sections: 

Inner Wheel - Present

Center Wheel - Future

Outer Wheel - Past

Dagim Block - Past life

Taleh Pillar (right side) - Past life relationships

Shor Pillar (left side) - Past life memories/experiences

Malkuth Block - Answers the 9 questions you are supposed to have asked before the reading

The last section, the Malkuth Block, is optional. Even if you choose to use it, you may not pull the rest of your deck. Connolly says “Any cards that have not been used are left face down and are not to be read. They do not pertain to the reading and leaving them face down retains the original energy of the spread. If you turn them over, you break the esoteric structure of the entire spread.” At most, this spread requires 69 cards, not 78. 

The Popular Criticisms

While its gimmick is an exaggeration, it is still a behemoth of a spread. Many believe it is unwieldy and bogged down with too much information. This is a common criticism of larger spreads; the more information you pull, the easier it is to get lost. The continual energy drain of pulling, followed by the mental drain of interpreting, can leave you with inaccurate results.

However, this is assuming that you have to do your tarot readings in one sitting. I don’t hold with that idea. You can take on the Wheel in parts, doing a section a day for a week. Or, you can pull all the cards one day, write down what you got, and then do the interpreting the next day. Personally, I think if you have the time, dedication, and skill to parse through all the information, you should be able to get good information out of a large reading. 

The Information

In my opinion, Rahdue’s Wheel’s failure is not due to its size, but the quality of information it gives you.

While I approached this spread with the assumption that most people will read it for themselves, Connolly goes back and forth on the role of her readers. In most of the section dedicated to Rahdue’s Wheel, she talks exclusively about “the client”, implying she is writing for a professional tarot reader and the reading is meant to be between two people (reader & querent). However, at one point, she advises the reader to do the Rahdue’s Wheel for themself four times a year, and there are a couple of “for yourself or the client”’s sprinkled throughout the section. 

I bring this up because this spread is not very good if you’re reading for yourself. The three wheels are the exact same questions; the only thing that changes is the tense. I know what my current health concerns are, and likely I know what my past ones were. The entire past wheel is redundant, as you’re just reliving everything without added context or commentary. Pulling a Three of Swords for past relationships tells me a break-up really hurt me, but it doesn’t tell me how that’s still affecting me. There’s no new information given to the querent beyond “this is how your life and philosophies have changed”. 

The redundancy cuts both ways in the reader/querent question. If you read for yourself, you’re wasting time and energy on things you already know. On the other hand, if you’re reading for someone else, you’re not giving the querent new information that can solve their problems. If anything, it’s spiritual junk food; the reader gets to come off as intuitive and knowledgeable (assuming the cards are all accurate), while not giving any real advice. The querent will leave feeling fulfilled from their amazing connection with the reader without any new ideas on how to fix their situation. 

The Past Life Issue

The other issue that becomes apparent right away is the focus on past lives. The wheels total 39 cards, while the past life sections total 30. This makes the past lives sections nearly half of the spread. Connolly believes that our actions and mindsets are influenced by the hidden memories and traumas of our past lives. She rationalizes that knowing about these lives is a good way to look deeper into the querent’s psychology. This gives us context for the previous problem: The reason we’re looking at every aspect of a person’s life is to find patterns stemming from the past lives. If we find your past life was betrayed by a lover, we know the root cause of your commitment issues. The wheels and the past lives sections work together to illuminate the overarching themes of the querent’s karmic life. 

This creates multiple barriers in order to make this spread work: 

You must believe in past lives as a concept

You must believe you personally have at least one past life

You must believe that issues from your past life can affect your current life

If you have all three beliefs, then this spread can do amazing things for you! But many people don’t have all three. I can’t get past the third one myself; I think it’s possible to connect with and learn from your past lives, but I don’t think their traumas become ours. For many, they don’t have the necessary beliefs to bridge the gap between the two halves of the spread. 

Even if you do believe past lives can affect our current lives, this spread still runs into the problem we discussed earlier: there is no advice given. At best, the reader will probably say to do “past life work” before sending you on your way. Knowing where your issues stem from can be helpful, but the knowledge itself won’t change anything. Ultimately, to see change you need a direction to go in. This spread will not give that to you. 

Finally Answering the Questions

Let’s revisit the Malkuth Block, the tarot reading within the tarot reading. Once the diviner has exhausted themselves sorting through every facet of your lives (present and past), it’s time to actually answer those questions you had that brought you to a reader in the first place. Connolly leaves it up to the reader to determine how many cards should be pulled per question. As I mentioned earlier, she says not every card will be flipped over and read, but then she goes on to say that if the querent only has one question, you must read all 9 cards in the Block. She does not give an explanation for this; I assume something to do with the “esoteric structure” but who knows. 

At this point, you’re doing a basic tarot reading. Surprisingly, many tarot readers are able to do “here’s the answer to your question” readings without knowing every single thing about you. If you’re just trying to get questions answered, the majority of this spread is unnecessary. It’s also incredibly damaging; by putting the questions at the end of the marathon spread, you get to the important part of the reading when the diviner is exhausted. 

Conclusion

Rahdue’s Wheel works well for very specific situations, like when you want to do past life work and don’t know what to focus on. But for the average reader this spread is too bloated. Not only is the size too large for most people to read accurately in one sitting, but the information it gives you is useless. You’re better off finding a smaller spread. 

While some use Rahdue’s Wheel as practice, I think most people bookmark it purely as a challenge spread to do “some day”. But this spread does work if you use it within the beliefs and framework Connolly created it for. I would bet there are a lot of people out there looking for just this kind of spread to help them with their past lives. They’ve probably heard the name before, but pass over it because no one talks about it as a past life spread or a karmic spread. They only talk about it as “The Ultimate Spread”. It’s become clickbait, in tarot form.