#leave me alone i think it's trust issues
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I'm convinced that my friend is fed up with hearing me talk about what I like. "You, the least fan of him🙄" "Ok, I don't care" "You and L have me fed up with Sherlock" ??? What do you mean? I hear you talk about the lore of Genshin Impact and FNAF every day, I let you show me memes that I don't understand, i ask you for more info even if it doesn't enters my mind, and I never complain because I like to see you happy. At least don't pretend. Tell me you're not in the mood and I'll understand.
#rant#shes not a bad person#but I think he has trouble realizing that what he says can make people feel bad#should I tell him instead of uploading it here? of course yes#but it's not that easy for me#besides I'm a coward#and I don't want her to get angry and stop being my friend#leave me alone i think it's trust issues#also my two best friends aren't talking to me#and if they send me a message it's not related to the one I sent them before#I asked you what you said in the audio that I didn't hear you and you answer me after hours and it's not even about what we were talking#and I reply to the new topic and you leave me on read until the next day when you change the subject again#I don't mind being left on read but. you're literally ignoring me.#I think that's enough for today#maybe i'll delete this later#what the fuck im doing wrong
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2019 was one of the hardest years of my life but woah I'm just remembering that I had a therapist who was insistent that I didn't transition and that I follow a one year program of proving to her that I was trans.
that wasn't even why I was going to see her in the first place, but the moment she found out she wanted me to stop hrt immediately so she could 'properly' diagnose me with gender dysphoria. she went on this long rant about how back in her day people had to spend years talking to doctors before they were allowed to transition and she has trans clients from the 80s and 90s who were made to prove to her that they were trans for a whole year before she would prescribe them anything.
#[static]#it was wild too cuz i used to go to her when i was in my late teens early 20s and I went back to her because i trusted her insight#but the moment she found out i was transitioning she no longer wanted to talk about the horrifying trauma I'd just gone through#like .... being transgender and transitioning after years and years of being in the closet was such a big step for me and my healing#it was (and still is) one of the best things i could have ever done for my health and happiness and its wild to me that#because i used to be a woman so many ppl were like 'are you just doing this to get out of your shitty marriage?' like .......... wtf??#she basically believed that none of the decades worth of gender dysphoria and trans issues were related to me just being transgender ...#and instead it was a way to get my abusive and clinging ex husband to leave me alone fdkjghf#i transitioned late because he was one of the ppl who trashed my self esteem and would spend days screaming at me if i mentioned dysphoria#i get shivers just thinking about how awful that was lfkghfd but me finally transitioning was a way for me to finally be myself#despite other ppls ideas or wishes of me and boy howdy im so glad that i finally stuck up for myself despite the fallout of all my relation#if you read this you get a kiss on the cheek ... just ranting because wow i forgot about that! so much shit had happened all at once lmao
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pretty cringe of me to be freaking out over not meeting a requirement that I knew I was being lax about but didn't know was an actual hard and fast Rule
#it's the guilt (not working as hard as i should be) mixed with the fear (consequences looming but not certain)#mixed with the utter mortification (getting caught objectively and provably slacking)#truly the catholic guilt does not leave you alone even when you know that there was a well intentioned mistake in with the bad decision#like yes i Did let the response time go too long and i knew that as i was doing it but if i knew it was going to reflect on the team and not#just me i would have been more conscientious#and i Was depressed for a bunch of last year so like. my numbers are demonstrably a little bit shit across the board. but still#i do care and i don't want to do badly#i'm just falling prey to my old enemy thinking i could put things off until i was feeling capable#exactly as i'm doing right now#it's embarrassing to have my new boss' scrutiny on me too#she's a much shrewder boss than any i have previously had and she's kind of a hardass for someone so personable#my previous boss was very chill and when she's not happy she tends to issue a directive and leave us to achieve it w/o making it personal#and the one before that was a new manager who cut me a lot of slack bc she had a lot on her plate and not much experience#whereas my current one if she gets a suspicion about your work i get the impression she starts to audit you#and you'd better keep your work squeaky clean and keep your receipts#not an easy person to win back lost trust with#an uncomfortable position to be in for someone like me who's never been good at maintaining a steady and impeccable workflow#i've always had a surge -> crash kind of productivity cycle#but i've never been in a spot before where i feel like that is a genuine risk to my job and i do not love it#ugh#so deeply deeply anxious#nothing i can do but catchup overtime and try to do better
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real
#this is so mind numbingly exhausting i don't understand how everyone else seems to just do it?#it was such a weird day#started out in a good mood but then boss scolded these two interns cause of a mistake#and like he wasn't shouting exactly but he raised his voice and said so many things like you are so careless im suffering so many losses bc#bc of you outsiders are going to think i don't have a good team and i don't have control over my team#and how we should always note things down because we're so distracted and not serious#and how before going home everyday we should report to him what work we did today#i understand that he's being reasonable (maybe? idk) but it sounded so eerily horribly like my dad i couldn't function properly for an hour#why are men so similar everywhere#why am i SO scared i could feel the disappointment radiating off him and he wasn't even mad at me and i felt like a failure#which is so embarrassing like girl stop you are a 20 year old adult woman you will not cry at your workplace because an angry man triggered#your dad issues#and upar se there was a new intern at work one year younger than me and oh my god he was so annoying#like i talked to him first bc i pitied him like what if he felt alone it was only his second day but boy literally could not stop talking😭#like ok it's kinda cool that this senior di she trusted me enough to be like you teach him this project report this when ive only been#here for 3 weeks but bhai😭 he's so annoying 😭 i have newfound respect for the di how does she handle all 7-8 of us interns i would go#crazy and shout at everyone and tell them to leave me alone 😭 but she's so patient and kind and answers dumb questions 100 times#but she's leaving this office permanently from next month bc of her ca final :( i mean very good for her she deserves better more money#better work hours better office etc. but :(( she's leaving :((#as you can see i have both dad issues and abandonment issues so fun lol
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aouuugh my uterus......
#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain#and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it#like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works#so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time#i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone#just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all#but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want#but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability#which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need#but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a#break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man#sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 🫠#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things#and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable#factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most#and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset#man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower#and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore#maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work#all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think#.diaries#oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr 😭
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final input before I fall asleep I think it is so so so funny that like. watching this playthrough seeing they kept the sh4 references in I did have a moment where I was like. tbh I hope that by remaking this game instead of starting with the first one, that implies they aren't going to remake 3 either. I think they should ignore 3 completely. but I think a sh4 remake would actually go hard as hell
#chatty!#im one of the tiny handful of ppl that actually liked 4 and if they remade that one i would actually play it#something about 2 is just wrong and ive been so put off by it ever since the reveal trailer. the tone is very specific yk#but i feel like if they had done 4 instead it wouldve been such a different impression#4 of course is the bastard child and i dont expect them to actually do that one. but imagine#thatd make most sense to me personally. and i do genuinely think they could pull it off#bc my biggest issue rn i think literally is the tone of the game. combat looks bad too but its not supposed to be good#that said it wasnt *before*. remake seems extremely combat reliant/heavy so idk why they kept the awkward clunkiness too#its the fact that its a remake of a game that was Very Specific and theyre going a complete other way thats killing it for me#and i feel like what theyre doing wouldve worked better with a game that was Not so so connected to its original specific mood#u know what i mean. like i prommy im not opposed to the idea of remakes this one just was certainly a. choice#i also dont trust them to remake 3 thats why i do not want to see it <3 leave her alone
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can't tell if i'm like... starting to dislike these girls because im pmsing and that's pretty typical for me to suddenly not like certain people, or if it's genuinely because they've been giving me weird fucking vibes and did smth i think was shitty :/
#they left one dude in the club blackout drunk bc he said he didnt want to leave yet#and his phone died and he slept in the street. woke up with no memory of what happened#and a bachelorette party at the club had ripped his shirt off in shreds apparently#and its like. yeah ik those girls that left him aren't responsible for him that's not their job but like. he couldnt b responsible for hims#--himself in that state#we're in a foreign country and he was visibly fucking blackout wasted#and they left him there by himself#and then in the morning when it was like oh fuck we dont know where jake is? they were insistent that we didnt tell the profs and would#instead wait FOUR HOURS for him to contact us (WTF) before going to the spanish police Ourselves#like what the fuck do you think WE can accomplish??#whatever it turned out okay (or as ok as it could be) bc he managed to buy a charger and picked up when i tried calling again within that 1#hour that we discovered he never made it to his hotel that night#so like. it was fine we didnt need to get the professors or cops involved and nobody had to get sent back home to the US#but like. the fact that they STILL are treating it like no big deal is really giving me rancid vibes#he could have been robbed or assaulted or kidnapped or killed. and what would we have done#like. idk. it seems like theyre just trying to sweep it under the rug bc it was THEM who saw him last#it was THEM who abandoned him while he was in no state to be on his own#and it's especially jarring bc some of those girls i'd considered to be really great people that i really liked!!#and then for one of them especially to be LAUGHING when jake was telling her in person what had happened#like zero concern whatsoever#and its so offputting like... genuinely was this no issue in your eyes.#and it's scary bc it really is a double standard bc if this was a girl then everyone would have been flipping the fuck out#the profs and cops would be called ASAP even if it meant that people got sent home early from the study abroad. bc safety is more important#but bc 'hes a grown man he can handle himself' nobody was in any sort of rush to try and make sure he was okay#its just. i dont feel like i can trust half of them anymore when that was how they reacted to the situation#and when one girl today got lowkey pissed at me for being like yeah that was scary how jake was left all alone and slept in the streets#she was like 'well its not our problem. hes the one who didnt want to leave so its his own fault. he should be able to handle himself'#WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. WHAT THE FUCK.
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Why Fenris could Never Cameo in Dragon Age: The Veilguard
In the run up to Dragon age: The Veilguard, I was almost certain that Fenris would be our main legacy character from previous games. Not only has he been central in the comics released between DAI and DATV, he is an escaped Tevinter slave who's plot revolved around magisters, magic and the structural prejudices surrounding elves in Thedas. Not only that, but he's canonically in Tevinter killing slavers currently so he's geographically in the right place for us to meet him.
About halfway through the game though, it was clear to me: Fenris could never cameo in The Veilguard. Because he'd break it.
How the Veilguard treats Thedas is...odd to me, to say the least. I will be writing another post about how much I adored the expanded big lore in this game (the titans, ancient elves were spirits, where the blight came from etc.) and yet while these large lore expansions worked for me, the actual culture of modern Thedas is entirely softened, its sharp edges filed down until it's a sanitised fantasy world devoid of what made the franchise so vibrant and compelling in the first place.
So let's start with Fenris and slavery. In all three games, the reality of slavery is pushing at the corners of the world. In DAO Loghain allows Tevinter Magisters to enslave elves in order to raise money for his war effort. In DA2 Fenris is fighting to be free from slavers who will not leave him be, let alone the reminders that the city was built by slaves which are everywhere. In DAI one of the two possible mini-bosses is Calpurnia who was a slave, and characters such as Gatt and Dorian both show us how much slavery is tied into Tevinters culture and success.
But DATV the first game actually set in Tevinter where we get to see the famed Minrathous...it's like the game purposefully wants to avoid the issue. I can feel it tilting the camera away to not allow me to see. Slavery is mentioned, but never talked about in depth or as a specifically ELVEN problem in Tevinter. This might have been done to be less problematic, it feels ignored.
We are in DOCK TOWN. We are at the DOCKS. You would think that slaves from all over Thedas who are being smuggled and bought by various groups would be everywhere. You would think that the injustice in dock town would be partly built on the back of ships we've seen in the comics crammed with elves in chains. This is the world Dragon age set up for us. And yet...nothing. zilch. A tiny easily skippable side quest where we free a couple of venatori slaves, but only one of whom is an elf.
None of our Tevinter characters seem to have been influenced by their culture even a little bit when it comes to how they view elves; there is no moment when Neve fucks up and says something prejudiced, no moment when Bellara or Davrin are distrustful of her for being a Tevinter mage.
The same goes for Zevran; a character who epitomised the issues with the crows. The crows have consistently been characterised as very morally dubious assassins who kill for the highest bidder and who buy children on the slave market and torture them as they grow in order to assure that they reach maturity able to withstand torture without giving away a client's name. Zevran is very explicit about the fact that if you fail a contract your life is forefit.
Nobody responds particularly to you if you're an elf. Nobody trusts rook less for it in Tevinter. Nobody treats Rook any differently. Even DAI had better mechanics for this; with nobles in Orlais less likely to trust you as an elf.
Considering one of the main plot points of this game and what makes Solas sympathetic is the fact that he was fighting against the slavery of ancient elves...you'd think the game might want to mirror that in modern Thedas. It might want to show us how characters fighting to end slavery in Tevinter are similar to Solas and how the society Solas fought against was similar to the one that characters we love such as Fenris have fought against in modern Thedas. Maybe we'd want to explore how in a world of slavery like this, how could the answer NOT be to tear it all down? Maybe we should have that option at the end of the game so it really can chose whether we agree with Solas and his plans or not.
Adding Fenris to this game would entirely break the game because Fenris refuses to allow you to look away from this horror. He is a sympathetic character who had to learn to trust mages again because of course he didn't trust them. Of course he didn't. Fenris wouldn't allow the camera to shift focus because he's literally covered in the lyrium scars that show how slaves are used as experiments in Tevinter. Fenris WOULD question Neve on how she feels about elves and slaves. Fenris WOULD have things to say about Lucanis and the crows (let alone the fact Lucanis is an abomonation). So he could never be in this game; he'd drop a bomb on it's carefully constructed blinders to the very society its supposed to be set in.
And yet, in DATV, the crows are presented as...a found family of misfits and orphans? The politician who opposes the crows having absolute power in Antiva is framed as a comically evil idiot who doesn't understand that the crows are ontologically good. Yet...they're NOT. Crows in this game act more like a secret rebel group than an assassin organisation. We see no crow taking contracts with the VERY RICH venatori magisters despite being hired killers. We see crows just refuse to kill people despite having a contract because 'its crueler to leave them alive'. The crows don't feel like the crows here, they feel like a softened version of a cool assassin group who are cool because they wear black and purple.
Our pirate group are also sanitised; the Lords of Fortune are good pirates who only steal treasure that's not culturally significant. Theyve clearly read the modern critiques of the British Museum and have decided to explicitly stop anyone levelling similar critiques at them. There is no faction of the Lords of Fortune who aren't like this, no internal arguments about it. Everyone just. Agrees. And is able to accurately tell what a cultural artifact is vs. what treasure that you can have yourself is. Rather than showing us why a pirate stealing cultural artifacts might be bad (like in da2 where such a situation literally causes a coup and a war) it just tells us it's bad. But also pirates are cool so we still want them in our world.
This issue seaps into Thedas and drains it of any of the interesting complexity and ability to SAY anything that this franchise had before this game. It becomes a game about telling and not showing rather than the other way around. The games have ALWAYS asked questions about oppressive structural systems and their interplay with society, religion and culture and how these things can affect even the most well meaning character. Dragon age at its best IS a game about society and how society functions both for and against it's characters and what happens to societies built on cruelty and indifference. The best bad guys dragon age has given us are those who are bad because they embody these systems or have been shaped by them. Our main characters have had to wrestle with questions surrounding how to exist in these systems, fight against them, learn and grow.
Yet every group you come across in DATV is sanitised and cleaned up to the point of being as non problematic as humanly possible. None of our cast of characters have to wrestle with where they came from or the world that shaped them. None of them have to confront their own biases. They start the game perfectly non-problematic and end it that way too.
And this just...isn't what Dragon Age has been in the past. It isn't why I love the franchise. The whole game just felt, in a way, hollow. And this was a CHOICE and it is why the legacy characters are few and far between. Too many dragon age characters are just too...angry and complex for this game. You can feel them pulling their punches on this one. I have to imagine they did this because they didn't want to be criticised or have too much controversy? But I think it honestly goes far too much in the other direction and just makes it bland.
I can't imagine what I say here will be unique, but it is the basis for a LOT of my other thoughts on this game so I wanted to get it out of the way first. The softened Thedas and characters make this game by far the weakest in the franchise.
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🦑.
#anyway ive been angry about this all day but I really don’t think I will ever be in a long term relationship because of my trust issues#which doesn’t bother me now but growing up i always fantasized being married with children and still sometimes still want that#but it’s very rare#not just romantic relationships even with family and friends#i moved halfway across the country to get away from all of them and also because i was bored and fell for duluth#it does bother me a little but i don’t really want to change im just coming to terms with it#i don’t feel lonely at all in fact for some reason i want people to leave me alone#why do i always get irritated and fed up with the person im dating after three months. he didn’t do anything wrong#it’s even worse now because im with the guy i had a crush on in high school. like I still like him so why do i want him to leave me alone???
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What about a princess bunny-hybrid! reader (chubby like always) that has a secret romantic affair with a wolf-hybrid knight?
Nothing too original lmao but.... Maybe NSFW involved, please?
NSFW
warning: dubcon, somno, breeding, pregnancy
You had always been taken care of with a tender hand, your wolf!hybrid knight never letting you feel alone or afraid for even a second.
He absolutely adored you, that was clear to anyone that watched him interact with you for more than a minute… but unfortunately for your poor knight, you were oblivious to his romantic affections.
That was until the day your knight went into rut. Usually, he locked himself away from the world, not wanting to harm anyone… especially you.
But this time he had been on guard duty, staying by your side constantly due to a recent assassination attempt.
So when he watched over you sleeping, defenseless body as he stroked his fat cock, knotting his hand, he couldn’t help but gently press his tip to your tongue that poked out of you mouth.
It was straight up sinful. Knights were supposed to protect the purity of their princess and make sure they remained untainted… but here he was, using your thighs to get off as you snoozed peacefully.
It wasn’t long before that wasn’t enough. Your knight watched you like a predator watched its prey.
But you weren’t afraid. Your fluffy bunny ears twitched happily every time you saw him. After all, the two of you had been close since childhood.
“H-hey, you sure this is okay?”
Your knight licked your neck, your bottom lifted in the air and cotton tail wagging furiously as his cock rubbed against your bunny cunt.
“Of course it is, princess… just… trust me okay..?”
He panted, his tail swaying as he pressed against your tight hole. “Be a good girl for me, I always take care of you, don’t I?”
That was the first time he sunk his cock into your pretty pussy, starting off your love affair.
You’d think as a knight he would already be protective enough, but it only increased tenfold now that the two of you were mates.
He was able to keep it a secret for a while, excusing the issue of scenting you by saying it was for protection, and mating you in secret.
It got a bit harder when your belly started to swell with his pups and all you wanted to do was nest and be mated.
“Mmm!!”
He sighed as you tugged on his shirt, your chubby cheeks puffed out. His hand immediately moved to rest on your swollen belly as he began to groom you.
“What is it, my princess?”
You only whined at him some more, pulling him to your nest. These days he had been spoiling you rotten, unable to leave his precious mate upset in the slightest.
“Wanna mate…”
Your fluffy bunny ears twitches as you tried to get into a position so he could mount you, but lying on your belly wasn’t an option.
He quickly grabbed you by the hips, laying you on your side. “Shh, shh, careful now, my princess… you’re carrying our pups, okay?”
The feeling of his fingers slipping into your fat cunt made your cotton tail wag furiously, and his own tail began to thump against the bed.
“That feels good, princess? Sweet girl getting all wet got me, huh?”
Being stretched out just enough for his cock to slip into you made your body shudder. If he could, your mate would keep you on his knot all day…
Soft whimpers left your lips as he tried to be gentle with you, the tight grip on his hips telling you how much he was restraining himself from pounding into your sweet pussy.
Your scent was so intense now that you were pregnant, he couldn’t help knotting you within minutes. If anyone knew how often he had the princess of their kingdom blubbering in pleasure as he bounces you on his knot, they’d be shocked.
His claw circled your swollen belly. In reality, he feared his pups may be persecuted once they were born due to him not being of royal blood…
“My princess… I love you more than anything, you know… but some people wouldn’t want us to be together.”
The fog keeping your mind fuzzy cleared at his words, and your eyes twitched nervously. “Why? I love you, you’re my mate…”
You were too innocent, unaware of the implications of being impregnated by a commoner like him.
“I am, my princess… but they want to take you away from me. They are beginning to become suspicious of your growing belly and our close relationship…”
When tears began to fall down your chubby cheeks, he cursed under his breath. He felt terrible for being so selfish, putting you in harms way because he wanted something he wasn’t supposed to have… you.
“N-no, I wanna stay with you! You’re all I know…”
As you cried and sniffled, he licked your cheek before pulling you closer to him.
“Shh, shh… oh my love, don’t you know I am your knight? No need for years, they can never take you away from me. I will fight for our love until my body gives out.”
He sat up, causing you to whine and reach for him. “My love, if you want us to stay together, we must leave before your pregnancy is uncovered.”
Your bunny ears flicked, and you looked up at him with your teary eyes. “Are you asking me to run away with you?”
He pulled you to your feet, helping you stand on your wobbly, post breeding session legs.
“Will you?”
You answered by clinging to him and butting your head against him affectionately. After scooping you up, he covered your soft cheeks in kisses before setting you on your bed.
“Sleep, my dear. I’ll take care of all of the preparations.”
With that, he tucked you in, leaving the room to prepare for your future together.
He would have you, and no one would get in the way of his love for his princess.
After all, a knight was supposed to protect his princess and make sure they remained happy.
And you were happy in his arms…
Part 2?
———————
NSFW TAGLIST: @sunset-214 @strawberrypoundtown @avalordream @icommitwarcrimes @bazpire @im-eating-rn @anglingforlevels @kinshenewa @pasteldaze @unforgettablewhvre @yoongiigolden @peachesdabunny @murder-hobo @leiselotte @misswonderfrojustice @dij-ology @i8kaeya @lollboogurl @h3110-dar1in9 @keikokashi @aliceattheart @mssmil3y @spicyspicyliving @namjoons-t1ddies @izarosf1833 @healanette @lem-hhn @spufflepuff @honey-crypt @karljra @zyettemoon1800 @exodiam @vexillum-moeru @imperfectlyperfectprincess1 @buckoothecow @binnieonabike @enchantedsylveon @mysticranger575 @readeryn68 @danielle143 @kittenlover614 @filthybunny420 @annavittoria-mm @makimamybelovedwife @blubearxy @omglovelylaila @midromiell @toocollectionchaos-universe-blog @fruk-you-usuk-fans @wil10wthetree
#5k event#cw dubcon#cw breeding#wolf hybrid bf#wolf hybrid smut#wolf x bunny#wolf hybrid#monster fucker#monster lover#monster fudger#monster boyfriend#monster fic#chubby!reader#chubby reader#x reader#fem reader#female reader#monster bf#monster x human#monster smut#monster fucking#plus size reader#teraphilia#terat0philliac#teratophillia#terato#exophelia#fat reader#bunny hybrid!reader#hybrid bunny
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cost of betrayal
masterlist
summary: after Rafe finds out the truth about you and Hollis, he comes back from Morocco, expecting you to be gone, but you refuse to leave without trying to work things out first
word count: 1.7k.
warnings: part 2 spoilers, angst and fluff, pogue reader, arguments, trust issues
a/n: i stand Sofia and Rafe, guys. need them together asap 🙏
“I think I told you to get the fuck out of my house, Y/N?” It’s the first thing you hear when Rafe walks through the front door of his house, throwing his bag on the floor and walking right past you, not even looking in your direction. You get up from the couch, wiping your sweaty hands on your pants.
Your chest feels tight, and your eyes are still swollen and red from the amount of crying as you silently follow him to the kitchen. That one stupid decision can cost you everything, including the man you love, and for the past few days, all you have been able to do is cry and curse yourself for being so stupid.
You stop when Rafe leans forward with his hands on the counter, his back is unusually tense, you feel anger radiating from him even from a distance and it’s all your fault, you know that.
“We need to talk.” You whisper, coming closer and hugging yourself with your arms.
“I have nothing to talk to you about.”
“Rafe, please. I need to explain.” He turns around suddenly, blue eyes colder than you have ever seen. You almost step back from Rafe’s intense gaze, because never before were you at the receiving end of that look. He was nothing but sweet and kind to you during your entire relationship, so losing that privilege hurts you even more.
He tries to hold back, tries to calm himself down at the image of your looking at him so sadly, with regret written all over your face. Rafe breathes heavily, trying to hide the pain of feeling played by you—the only person he thought he could trust wholeheartedly. He hates that even now, even with the anger raging inside him, he still feels that instinct to protect you, to calm you.
Hurts at the realisation that he doesn't want to lose you, that a part of him feels like he cannot survive without you, that even after what you’ve done he can’t let you go. He doesn’t want you to actually leave him alone.
“The fuck you need to explain? The way you betrayed me, huh?” He takes slow steps towards you, intimidating, almost threatening, but his voice shakes with emotions. “The way you went behind my back with that bitch Hollis to screw me up and make me lose my money? I fucking trusted you, I gave you everything and you still did that to me.” Rafe’s face was just inches from yours and you were unable to take your eyes from his, unable to even deny it, because he was not wrong.
“I know, Rafe, I know!” You sob, unable to hold back your tears. “I never wanted to hurt you, I never meant to set you up like that. I was angry at you and she appeared at that exact moment, and...
“She was fucking angry!” He yells, throwing his hands up in the air. You flinch but still stay your ground.
“Because you hurt me, Rafe!”
“Bullshit. I did nothing but take care of you.”
“I heard what you told your friends.” You yell back, not caring about trying to communicate properly anymore. You were wrong for doing that, yes, but the way his words made you feel at that moment was probably the worst pain you’ve ever experienced, so it wasn’t like you were the only one to blame. “That you’re not living with a pogue, that you have standards, that we’re just hooking up... I heard it all, Rafe. How did you expect me to react to that, huh?”
You see a slight shift of recognition or even regret in his eyes, but he quickly goes back to his previous coldness.
“So you made me lose my money because of this shit?”
“I know that it was wrong, okay? But... but do you understand what I felt at that moment? Do you understand how much it hurt me to hear it?” You sob again, desperately trying to wise away all of the tears that were streaming down your face. You’re barely able to speak properly with the lump in your throat, but you push it away because you feel there’s only one chance for you to get things straight with Rafe.
He stays silent, his brows are knitted, whether in still-lingering anger or in a hint of regret and frustration because of the way you were feeling. Rafe always hated seeing you cry, seeing you hurt in any type of way, even if he hasn’t always been able to admit or express it, and now part of him is more angry at himself than at you. Your trembling frame, the way your shoulders shake with each sob, chips away at his anger, leaving only the fear of losing you.
“We’ve been together for more than a year, Rafe. I— I thought that it meant something to you. That I mean something to you. I was hoping that maybe all of your kook and pogue bullshit was long forgotten, but you didn’t even hesitate to say that to Topper.” Your voice is filled with sadness and despair, and you are aware that you are probably looking a mess right now. All you can do is just wipe your face with the loose sleeves of your shirt, sniffing in between your words and trying to make your voice less shaky.
"How was I supposed to feel?" How would you feel if you were in my situation, Rafe? If I said you did not mean anything to me and I was just having a good time?" You ask, but don’t get an answer. Instead, he just looks at you silently, with a blank expression, because he knows that he would’ve gone absolutely crazy. “I love you. I did for a long time, but you made me feel as if I was nothing to you. Just another pogue that you despise, that you keep around for fun until you find someone better and just dump!” Placing a hand on your violently beating heart, you take a deep breath before continuing.
“It was stupid. I regretted it as soon as I did it and I wanted to tell you, but you had already signed the contract. I know I hurt you with what I did. But can you really say you didn’t hurt me first?”
“Maybe I shouldn’t have said it. I didn’t… I didn’t mean it like that. He finally mutters, his voice quieter now. “But you don’t get it, Y/N. All my life, everyone’s expected me to be a certain way, to follow the same fucking rules I don’t even believe in. I thought… I thought if I kept us under the radar, I’d protect you from that. And you know how hard it is for me to open up—that I don’t want to let people in because everyone ends up leaving me.”
“I never meant to betray you, I never wanted to be another person who hurts you, Rafe.” You feel like you are about to collapse, burying your face in your hands and crying.
It feels like a joke of your spiraling mind at first, but when your body suddenly gets embraced in a familiar warmth and scent, you break down completely. Rafe hugs you around your shoulders and you wrap your hands around his waist, gripping the back of his shirt and hiding your face in his chest. You’re sniffing and trembling, unable to breathe properly, until you feel his hand at the back of your head and his low voice shushing you.
“Breathe, baby. Just breathe. ‘S okay.” He rocks both of you from side to side until your breathing straightens. The steady beating of his heart soothes you quickly, until your tears get dry on your face. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry. I was an idiot for not protecting you the way I should’ve.” You feel him slightly leaning down. Slow, delicate kisses being left on your temple, on your cheek, and with a slight movement of your head, Rafe’s able to capture your lips.
Your face is still sticky with tears, and your lips are swollen, but neither of you care as you start to melt against him. It’s been way to long since he left for Morocco. The stress that you’ve experienced from your fight and from the fact that you were going crazy about his safety was overwhelming.
While he was kissing you slowly, you both realized how hard it was to stay apart for that long, not sure of what was happening between you two.
“I’m sorry that you lost so much money because of me.” You mumbled when he pulled away, resting his forehead on yours.
“You know it’s not the damn money I actually care about. I thought that I was wrong about you, that I lost you, Y/N.” You shake your head against his, caressing the sides of his face with your hands.
Rafe lifts his free hand that was not holding your waist, placing it on top of your hand and you see the way his tense shoulders immediately relax at the feeling of his mother’s ring still on your finger.
“We’re making it official. I don’t care about this pogue bullshit, don’t care about whatever Topper with his crazy bitch or other kooks think about it. I’m not wasting my time anymore.” You smile through happy tears now, looking Rafe in the eyes, seeing that familiar warmth that you were afraid to never experience again. He smirks back at you, holding you tighter against his chest. “No more hiding and lying, yeah, baby? I love you.”
“Y-yes. No more of that stuff. I love you too, Ray.” You giggle before he drags you even closer to kiss you again.
#rafe cameron x reader#rafe cameron x you#rafe x reader#rafe cameron fanfiction#rafe cameron imagine#rafe fic#rafe imagine#rafe outer banks#rafe obx#outerbanks rafe#rafe cameron#rafe cameron x female reader#outer banks fanfiction#rafe cameron x y/n#obx x reader#obx fanfiction#obx fic#obx
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The Hulk! (1978) #24
#it’s intriguing to me that the Hulk recognizes that ‘Friend knows how to talk to the Hulk. Doesn’t tell… asks instead.’#he’s not just reacting#i.e. reacting negatively to being told what to do or reacting positively to being asked#but analyzing the conversation and recognizing what this person is getting right that others get wrong#it’s not necessarily surprising in that I wouldn’t think that the Hulk would understand the conditions he functions best in#but I’m just thinking about the last issue of the main The Incredible Hulk book that I read#where the Hulk makes an argument against Samson thinking that he’s a monster#and Samson is impressed that the Hulk could use that kind of reasoning#I think that he thinks of understanding the Hulk in terms of analyzing him#which is a process that’s hindered by Samson’s own biases#and doesn’t really consider asking the Hulk directly about his perspective with the intention of taking it at face value#a similar thread is that the Hulk is direct and blunt and has no social filter and doesn’t seem to ever really consider lying#and is always shouting his emotions and understanding and intentions at people#but stories are written as though the characters just aren’t hearing him and so aren’t reacting to what he’s specifically saying#and that could be attributed to people not trusting his intentions and so not considering that he’s telling the truth#when he says he just wants to be left alone#or not trusting the Hulk’s judgement when he says he won’t hurt them if they leave him alone#because they think he’s too emotionally unstable#which isn’t completely unreasonable because the Hulk does not solely lash out in situations in which he has been genuinely wronged#but it’s obviously complicated because the reason he’s so paranoid is because of how often he’s been genuinely wronged#marvel#bruce banner#my posts#comic panels
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summary: after the scene where ward drops rafe at barry’s and tells him to not come home but barry’s sister pogue!reader tries to comfort him even though rafe is soo mean to her like woah but it’s a happy ending
tw: mention of drugs, idk rafe cries a lot, parental issues, rafe calls reader kid and bitch once
word count: 762
“don’t come home, son,” ward says, his voice cold and final, as he walks away from his only son.
“where do you want me to go?”
“dad! dad!” rafe’s desperate calls echo into the night, but ward doesn’t look back, leaving rafe alone in the darkness in front of barry’s and your house.
“hey, barry, open the fuckin door! i know you got the coke, dude, come on. please just open up!” he’s begging on the verge of tears. “barry, if you don’t open this god damn door, i’ll fucking smash it down myself. i need coke, man!”
you slowly open the door, and before he even sees you, rafe shoves his way inside, causing you to stumble back slightly. he collapses onto the couch, his movements frantic and erratic. “barry, what took you so long? christ, give me your best coke. i need that shit now, dude” he demands, his voice thick with barely-contained emotion. when he finally looks up and sees you instead of barry, he quickly swipes at the tears streaming down his face, trying to hide his vulnerability.
“oh, hi, rafe! sorry, i had my headphones on. wanna listen? oh my god, are you crying?” you ask, your voice laced with genuine concern.
“no, jesus fuck, y/n, where’s your brother?”
“oh, um, i think he’s down by the shipyards doing a deal. sorry, rafey,” you say, offering a gentle smile.
rafe pulls himself up quickly, furiously searching for the drugs he so desperately craves. “where’s his coke? i know you know where he keeps it. go find it. don’t just stand there helplessly. you’re so goddamn stupid! fuck!”
“why are you being mean to me? you’re never mean to me… i don’t know where barry keeps the coke, rafe.”
he yells at the top of his lungs, “it’s like you have no fuckin brain. you’re just a useless dumb blonde.” (sorry i’m blonde)
the harsh words cut through you, and you can’t bear his anger. you turn and flee to your room, tears pricking your waterline, blurring your vision as you go.
your whole teenage years, you knew rafe as your older brother’s richest client, who he secretly would rip off. but as the years went by, he started buying barry’s more hardcore drugs, not just weed. you got to know rafe more as barry’s regular client. he would constantly stick around, always flirting with you and bringing you gifts when barry wasn’t looking.
“y/n, don’t shut me out. don’t be a bitch, come on, open the door. i need the coke. you don’t understand, help me here, okay,” he pleads.
you’re scared. you’ve never seen him like this; he’s always treated you like a princess. you yell as he bangs at your thin bedroom door, pushing the wood so hard it starts to crack. “go home, rafe!” your voice shaky and filled with fear.
the banging stops suddenly, your words echoing in the sudden silence. the quiet stretches on, each second feeling like an eternity. cautiously, you peek out of your bedroom door thinking maybe he finally listened to your advice. “rafe, you there?” you call out.
he’s sitting on your couch, tears running down his face, hyperventilating. “i can’t go home. i’m a liar, an addict, a thief, and i can’t be trusted, so my dad said he can’t have me in his house. i have nowhere to go.”
you slowly approach the couch where rafe sits, his face hidden in his hands. his body is shaking, and the room is filled with the sound of his ragged breaths. “rafe…” you say softly, your voice trembling as you try to offer some comfort. “you, um, can stay here tonight.”
he looks up at you, his eyes red and desperate, filled with a depth of pain you’ve never seen in him before. “i don’t deserve you, kid. fuck, i’m so sorry. i never wanted you to see me like this. i thought i had everything under control, but now you probably hate me or some shit…”
you sit beside him, offering a soft, reassuring smile. you put your hand in his. “it’s okay rafey. i could never hate you. we all have moments when shit falls apart. it doesn’t change how i see you. you’re tired. i’ll set up the couch for you.”
rafe’s eyes search yours, a flicker of regret softening his expression. “i didn’t mean to take it out on you,” he says, his voice low and raw. “i just… i don’t want to be alone. y’know, on the couch. not tonight.” the words hang in the air, heavy with his unspoken need to hold you tonight.
#rafe cameron#drew starkey#outer banks#rafe x reader#amandabthinks#rafe cameron x pogue!reader#rafe fanfiction#outer banks pogues#rafe obx#rafe imagine#rafe x you#rafe drabble#rafe cameron drabble#rafe cameron x y/n#rafe cameron fluff#rafe cameron angst#rafe cameron x reader#rafe cameron imagine#rafe cameron and reader#rafe fluff#drew starkey fanfiction#rafe cameron concepts#rafe headcanons#rafe cameron coded#rafe cameron x kook!reader#rafe cameron thoughts#rafe cameron fanfiction#rafe fic#outerbanks rafe#rafe cameron x oc
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invaders
[ID: Thirteen panel comic with crudely drawn stick people divided across four images.
Panel 1: A blue person with pointy ears on top of their square head watches two grayscale stick people argue.
Grayscale 1: "Hah, you fool! Nobody actually thinks they're blue, we're just being polite because they look blue enough!"
Grayscale 2: "You admit it openly! You admit the lies of chroma ideology, greenie!"
Grayscale 1: "Owned again! I am not green!"
Panel 2: A reddish-orange person talks to another grayscale person while Blue watches dejectedly.
Reddish-orange: "I mean back in my day we were content with just getting to be primary colors, but now that they're also asking for us to be treated like fully worthwhile people rather than freaks? I think the chromatic movement's gone too far."
Grayscale: "Wow! A reasonable one!"
R.O.: "Yeah I'm one of the good ones. Will you respect me for it?"
Grayscale: "Haha no, but I'll exploit you as long as you're useful to me!"
Panel 3: A grayscale person approaches blue from behind.
Grayscale: "Hey why do you have to go all the way to being an entire blue dog person? Can't you just be a normal person who pees outside?"
Blue, in narration: "And so, on that day, I finally accepted that it was time to leave."
Panel 4: The blue dogperson is now in a more deliberately rendered room with beige walls, kneeling and wearing sunglasses. An orange dogperson is laying on the floor next to them.
Blue: "I… We only wanted to be left alone. But even this place isn't safe from them anymore."
Orange: "Why is it so bad to have to deal with people who disagree with us?"
Panel 5: Blue looks dejectedly, with dramatic shadows across their face.
Blue: "This is why you've yet to earn our trust, Orangepup Dogsaturated. You fail to distinguish between legitimate debate and thinly veiled harassment."
Panel 6: The Most Illiterate Person Alive, a grayscale stick person riddled with still-bleeding bullet wounds, looms ominously at the outskirts of a nearby forest.
Blue, narrating: "As for that thing… Far from a person with legitimate views to debate, I have doubts regarding whether it is even a person."
Illiterate: "I am… the most… ill…itt…er…ate….. person…. alive….."
Panel 7: The most illiterate person alive leans down, breathing heavily. The dialogue is just "h" over and over.
Panel 8: Indoors, a hot pink person with fluffy fur is talking into a walkie-talkie, and an onyx-colored person is aiming a sniper rifle out the window.
Hot Pink: "Comrades! There's movement again! They're up to something!"
Panel 9: The most illiterate person alive leans back, screaming: "Holy fucking shitfuck"
Panel 10: A dramatic zoom out shows more of the forest as the most illiterate person alive screams: "I can't fucking believe these dogpeople want to make everywhere a public bathroom!"
Panel 11: A view of the dog people's barn from within the dark depths of the woods, where grayscale people are lurking. The most illiterate person alive is continuing to scream: "They hate supply chains for lifesaving medicine! They want to force everyone to be green and worship Barxism!"
Panel 12: A view of the sky with a mountain in the distance. A large number of voices with increasing frequency and intensity say "Holy shit" over and over.
Panel 13: Out of the woods a swarm of grayscale people emerge, using a variety of creative approaches to movement, screaming:
"I have some concerns!" "Would you like to debate this issue?" "You need a healthy debate climate!" "You should hear out opposing viewpoints!" "Stop censoring me"
The comic ends at this and you are left questioning what the fuck that was.
End ID.]
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( feelings of uselessness and not being needed or wanted are strong today. )
#noah rambles. >>> 𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑#tw: negative#( both irl and online )#( usually it's online but bc it's both this time it's like being struck over the head by TWO baseball bats instead of one )#( and i don't even know why. it's the most irrational fucking shit thinking i'm not respected or wanted )#( if i say this anywhere else i'm just overreacting or not venting appropriately. )#( there's this massive amount of anxiety i have about my studio not thinking i'm a great section leader )#( and also not really having many places on campus to turn to because i'm a. a social recluse and b. have trust issues )#( and it sucks so fucking much and i don't know where to turn or what to do. )#( & it's like. i'm someone who HAS to be communicated to clearly in order to fix things if u got a problem!!!! )#( do NOT hide behind the bush bc my nd ass CANNOT decipher things by itself!!!!! )#( i!! need!! your!! help!!!! you need to TELL ME THINGS!!! )#( if you have a fucking problem JUST TELL ME !!!!!!!! )#( DO NOT LEAVE ME TO TRY AND WORK THROUGH THIS ALONE )#( CUZ GOD KNOWS SHIT WILL NOT BE DONE IF U DO THAT )#( AND I'LL BE THE SAME SHITTY PERSON U ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS WITHOUT ME FIXING SHIT )#( AND IT BECOMES A NEVERENDING CYCLE SO PLEASE I'M BEGGING U GOD PLEASE TELL ME IF YOU HAVE AN ISSUE !!!!!!! )
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I love to talk but I rly do feel like we have to be talking for a minimum of 8 hours straight before I feel like I can even begin to rly broach things on my mind or that have been bothering me a lot that I actually want to talk abt without being vague or deflecting or omitting or lying and if the conversation takes a break at any point it resets back to 0 and its still nice regardless but.
#we're all just desperately chasing each other around for a semblance of connection in this cold bleak world#but unfortunately due to the relentless crushing pressures of capitalism we also have to work so no time for that#man. sorry just frustrated n miserable now. wish i was capable of feeling close to other ppl wish i could give other ppl that connection#but instead we're just ships in the night passing by or whatever#and i have to settle with not rly being known or wanted or important in other ppls lives and its forever. btw#bc even if ppl do think they know me or do want me around or i am important to them in some way.. the specific torture labyrinth i call#home is constructed in the most elegant and precise way that im incapable of believing them to be sincere anyway#so thats all on me! if I tried harder and made more of an effort to communicate with or trust ppl i wouldnt feel this way!#but i dont so better luck in the next life i guess! this is why i dont think abt this shit bc it makes me want to kms#whats even the point man#dont even worry abt me im fine just need to fucking vent bc i dont have time to allow myself to feel anything bc i have plans tmr#so i need to go to bed early. and ill just try my best to keep distracted forever so ill never need to face how pathetically desperate#i am for any kind of emotional intimacy whatsoever and also physical contact but im not normal enough to fulfil any of my own needs#yeah well. its my life that i have to live and im the one making it this way. digging my grave and lying in it innit#its fine tho bc they make repressed fictional characters that i can project onto instead of confronting any of my issues#so ill just be here in my labyrinth doing that. while everyone else gets to see sunlight and grass and whatever#im just so tired i dont want to do this i want to pretend i dont care and dont need it and maybe itll become true. its too much for me#let me know when they need me to pilot the jaeger and drift with someone and thru our mindmelding i can finally achieve intimacy and trust#well anyway. that was embarrassing. hope it works out for everyone else#hope my flatmate gets her ideal life w our other old flatmates and finds a convenient way of discarding me from that like they want#except im going to make it as difficult as possible for as long as i can for them to get rid of me bc im selfish and want what i want so.#my obligate parasite ass. or whatever. im going to throw up if i keep thinking so thats a good place to stop and go to sleep probably#.vent#dont interact im being stupid as fuck and dont care just leave me alone thanks
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