#leave all this bullshit behind
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#I'm in one of those depressed state fatigues#irl is bearing down on me in a way that#just want to cry all the time#but my emotional regulators are saying no fucking tears#I just want to run away#leave all this bullshit behind#run a way n go look for you#I don't know where you are exactly#but that is no deterrent to my current emotional state#because nothing feels the way I feel about talking to you#and I always come back to the one fucking thing#if I were to abandon my responsibilities just to be with you#you would fucking hate me for it#and so I keep doing this same fucked up shit#trying to figure out a way to get out from underneath all of this#without just walking away#you're the one thing I want#everything else really is just a distraction from not being able to have it#best beloved
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it's so damn sad that i have 500+ of you and no one gives a shit that i am curled up on the floor crying holding my old stuffed cat because it's the only thing that hasn't left me and trying not to have a full on break down and jump out a window, but you will just at the chances to correct my shitty behaviors the moment i even momentarily fuck up. suck my dick/not a threat. jesus christ
i am tired. take what i say tonight with a grain of salt. i can't type due to the fact every ounce of liquid in my body is pouring out through my eyes while i try to convince myself life is worth living.
#kairying in here#im so tired#im so exhausted#i feel like im gonna pass out but my body keeps shaking#i feel like everything i do gets criticized and im so sick of it#let me be a person. let me say shit and regret it on my own god damn terms#do not point it out yes i know what i said what fucked up but i do not care#i am angry. i am tired. i am hurt. and if i hurt you well then maybe you deserve it#because you probably hurt me#you people hurt me so damn much#not all of you#but the ones who know who they are know who they are#of course they're all pussys and have me blocked#dumb fucks#deciding to ghost me and leave me for dead after multiple exhausted work nights telling them how much they matter#bullshit. absolute bullshit. you can't care about anyone without them giving you the finger and leaving you#why do i always need to be left behind?#why am i so undesirable that everyone fucking leaves me?#fuck you. fuck all of this shit#fuck this fuck you tumblr#i give up#im done#i quit. i give up. you win. i am a bad person#i am egotistical and rude and i do not take accountability for my actions#are for you fucking happy?#are you glad that ill be dead by tomorrow? that you'll never need to see my fucking face again?#you win. congrats. you get the honor of seeing me bitch for no one to hear#im sick of this. of all of it#my friends are gone. im “too negative”. fuck that#fuck that and fuck you. go eat shit
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i may be slightly ahead because of timezones, but it's officially midnight/new years for me, so WELCOME TO 2025 EVERYBODY!!!
this year has been one of my best in terms of being on tumblr. i've met so many amazing people, cemented myself in different rpcs and communities with said friends, and it's really made me feel connected and welcomed into a large, loving family. i'm blowing kisses to every single one of you.
to all who read this, if we're mutuals or not, heck even if we've spoken yet or not. i'm wishing you all a happy new year, may we leave our troubles and strife behind in 2024 and welcome this new year with open arms <333
#・ ˖ ✦ ⋄ . AUTHOR OF THE STARS ❝ ooc. ❞#I LOVE Y'ALL SO MUCH <3333#here's to the new year!!!#let's leave all of our bullshit behind and start anew this year
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Swag system mental health update turns out whatever the fuck is going on with me rn is at the very least extremely similar to mania.
#mal speaks#me after telling my therapist my recent bullshit n being asked if i have a history of manic episodes .................#im so cooked#as it turns out the stress of having extremely high medical bills and no job and my parents are trying to move to mexico and leave me behind#at which point i wont have anywhere to stay bcs i dont have any friends in america so ill prolly be living out of my car for a while#turns out the stress of all of that is causing some pretty extteme symptoms!! wow!!!!#its kinda funny that i have 0 american friends... girl this is the country i fucking LIVE IN!!!!!!#WHY DO I ONLY HAVE CANADIAN FRIENDS?? I FUCKING LIVE HERE#but yeah i might be straight up homeless sometime in the future 😭😭#i am able to work but good loord it has been a struggle to dp ANYTHING rn especially get a job LOL#kinda hard to focus on getting a job when the daily life stress is this bad#whatever its fine. its fine im chill. if i have to live in my car bcs my parents run off to mexico without me then whatever. whatever. idc
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the past couple weeks i keep getting "convinced" theres something crawling in my ears and i would just. like it to stop. please
#i KNOW its not happening but every time the sensation starts its all i can think and its so fucking annoying#i know i wont be able to convince my brain to chill out until i check but its just. argh please leave me alone#tw intrusive thoughts#< i think? sorta?#ive had bullshit ass thoughts like this before (though not exactly like these ones) but once i acknowledge them it usually stops#or at least feels unreal(both not feeling real & not feeling like an uncontrolled thought. feels intentional bc im aware it happened before)#anyway this one wont cut out and because theres a fucking. feeling behind it it. feels more real and. is so annoying#nyxtalks#vent#ill delete this one in a bit i think lol
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#that army fan club questionnaire floating around today#not going to reblog it because#i’m kind of over getting blocked for having spicy tags#but#man it blows my mind the toxic shit that makes it into official content sometimes#it’s one thing to leave in some of their off hand comments#from behind the scene footage but#literally the FIRST question#‘your pants don’t fit but you’re hungry- just drink water instead right?’#like who is that for#who is feeling better about anything reading that#do you ever think about all the things they’ve been told by their teams over the years#if this is what is being put out on public display#i know i know Korea is different idols have different standards whatever#eat a fucking banana then a glass of water is not a meal#you can look hot and be fit and still consume food#hybe is well aware the fandom is made up of people#who hang on their every word#a lot of whom at least FIND bts whilst Going Through A Thing#do better man#shout out to jin for being the only one who chose food#he never gives into the not eating bullshit and I love that about him#anyway that’s my two cents#just a girl having thoughts#here on my own blog in my own lane
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we don't want to get up and go to work tomorrow. we do not want to go to work
#getting texts that set off that Manipulative Bullshit sense. detecting some bullshit behind the scenes.#would love to leave but haven't found another job#everything pays like shit around here#hhhhmmmmmmm#whatever it's. fine.#we are at least recovering from an ear infection instead of debilitated by an ear infection.#and our phone is restarting for no reason constantly. which kills its battery.#and we just#do not#want#to go to work#whatever whatever whatever#filled with hate. four hours of sleep incoming. have been dreading going back all week.#fuck having a job we all hate having a job
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being friends with byan is so weird bc they say they want you to have the balls to be bluntly honest with them, but then the very moment you're honest about something they don't like, they're peacing out, all "lmao ok friendship ended byeeeee"
#honesty is great until you're addressing their insecurities or anything they're currently in denial over#they have a... weird relationship with honesty lmao#they'll be harshly honest about almost anything and not pull a single damn punch#they will tell you easily that their biological mother didn't want them and that they've lived on the street#they'll tell you that they haven't had a foster home last more than 10 months & that one of their foster parents almost killed them#but they won't tell you about the misery these events caused & how its shaped them as a person#and then there's the way they can dish it but can't take it#they'll tell you to your face everything that's wrong with you (in their opinion)#but the moment you do the same back.... lmao fuck you what the hell kinda bullshit#they're so SO sensitive. so much more so than they let on. and they don't tolerate being called on their shit well.#but I think part of that is bc they spent a lot of their life being belittled rather than built up#and they ended up feeling like every time they were abandoned it was bc of their flaws#so if ur pointing them out........ it's only a matter of time before ur leaving too. so they better leave first.#but also they just hate being Seen. they hate when someone can see behind their facade.#if someone else can see ur pain that means it's really there or something :)#idk I have way more thoughts about this than I realized when I started typing and now the tags are gonna be longer than the post oops#might....... have to make a note to get into all this in a more in depth headcanon at some point#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ OOC ⋮ DON’T @ ME.
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...do we really need to go over how telling people to kill themselves is a fucking horrid thing to do again? i don't fucking care who you're telling to do it, just use one of the ten billion other goddamn ways to tell someone to fuck off!
#ni blabs#suicide bait mention#ask to tag#weren't we supposed to leave this bullshit behind years ago#there was a moment of time there when i stopped seeing it all over the place#and now people are just. starting up doing it so casually again.#do you fucking understand what that shit can DO to people??? b/c i don't think some people quite grasp what that does to the psyche.#i usually keep my mouth shut about shit that really depresses me about the modern internet but I'm Too Old And Tired to do this again
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Can't wait for Christmas fever to be over it's too exhausting
#Personal#Nothing ever good happens during Christmas#You have your catholic parents and relatives spewing the most atrocious bullshit and u have sit there like 🙎🏻♀️#SHUTUP#I am glad they aren't so uptight abt church & all now at least.#The fact they are converted Christians is hilarious and sad like#Christian missionaries are EVIL and I will never stop yelling about it. If something has to convince you or worse prey when you are the mos#Vulnerable then that's not a religion that's a cult. Especially led by 1 (one) person????#When that church can only ever talk abt Jesus being killed by the blood thirsty jews. Flat Earth.#or whatever bs u try to cook up. This group of missionaries have been busted on news a lot for being. funded by outside aid to#Convert more people.#I can't believe how brainwashing will have you believe the most weirdest shit.#Altho I'm thankful they weren't converted to Islam because then i wouldn't have the freedom I do now plus the horrible stories I've heard#From ex muslims#What other religion is there anyway who is so bent on converting as many people as they possibly could#To all my friends who have succeeded in leaving behind their families of both these cult-ish religions I love you and I'm glad you're safe.#It still affects me. I can't wait to finally start earning enough to leave this whole chapter behind. I've had enough.#Anyway if you can't tell or simply lack basic comprehension it's not a attack on YOU. It's a world wide phenomenon of conversion and brain#You can't deny that and I'm again NOT blaming you for it. Religious trauma is real.#The gangs or worse family members who will kill you for leaving religions is not something unknown. It's real it's true it's happening.#Anyway
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golden anime hateboard
#kommento#// there's a punchline here you have to wait for it <- I'll forget about this#// back at it with having so much beef with this thing but has marie and that's its only redeemable feature#// everything else is like. grits teeth really hard.#// now the art direction hurts me so much on a personal level now. my dearest okyakusan it's okay if you laugh at me I am a clown anyway#// sorry. pops my head out every two or three days and says bullshit and leaves. roleplaywise I am in yokohama right now.#// sending a post card. from yokohama. the sea is exploding behind me. good god I love you all.
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There's a stream up on Twitch right now that's playing episodes of Naruto Shippuden, and earlier it was showing the mini arc of how Hashirama and Madara met, and how Izuna's death drove Madara to forsake his dream of peace twice over.
There's the moment where Tobirama runs Izuna through with the Flying Raijin Slice, and Madara getting ready to book it with Izuna in tow to try to heal the wound, only for Hashirama to stop and tell him the rest of the Uchiha that didn't defect over to the Senju should stop fighting or the war is just going to continue.
And I'm over here like...His little brother is bleeding out, dude. Wouldn't it be better to. You know. Lay him down on the ground and heal him right there and then. And end up convincing Madara that there can be peace. And then go on with the speech? Like, don't get me wrong, it's cute, and I like that Hashirama fought for his idealism and his dream, but I think if he had just saved the talking for, like, five minutes later, Izuna would still be alive.
#like. just watching it all play out threw me for a loop#they're in a period that's reminiscent of the real life warring states era#and yet in that same time frame they also have electricity#if they can have electricity OF ALL THINGS then it's not too far off the mark#for something like medical science to be that far behind#like maybe the industrialization made it more advanced#but hashirama was like the second coming of ninja jesus#i'm pretty sure the mokuton healing jutsu could've sealed up izuna's wound??#dude couldn't have stopped madara from leaving w/ a jutsu and just tried?? healing his little brother??#he could've done all that instead of talking it out while IZUNA IS BLEEDING TO DEATH??#i'm sorry i don't really go here but that was just straight bullshit lol#hashirama!! you're smarter than this!!#don't just stand there! help another brother out!#but no let's have the plot make you talk INSTEAD of taking action!!#naruto
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#sobbing about a water bottle we’re doing GREAT tonight folks#silv.txt#it’s not the water bottle. it’s just. the same old bullshit#the same old bullshit that I *had* a cute water bottle with peaches all over it and I just had to leave it behind#like I’ve had to leave behind everything I’ve ever owned#because the moment I start getting comfortable and think maybe I can have some things that are mine#it’s the same fucking bullshit again and I’m so tired so damn tired#so tired of feeling like I have to keep restarting every few years#so tired of feeling like I might be building something and then like a failure because it doesn’t last#I miss all the cute little things I bought for my last apartment#because like an idiot I thought I would be able to keep them#it’s been over two years and im still not over it#I was so happy#I was so damn happy at the start of 2020#I just want to live somewhere I don’t have to leave.#I want my life to be bigger than what can fit in a suitcase#praying to all the gods that the good news I’m hoping for actually come y through#bc I really don’t think I can make myself go through it again#it feels like there is less and less left of me every time
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me when i have 4 hours to finish a project before submission
#watching the widows' war finale. sighing every 20 seconds#well :/ idk what else to say. wasted potential. rushed. cheap. i mean come on the green screen...did the writers forget that earth exists#like girl this isn't the mcu. drive to a nearby lake or whatever. acting like all of our bodies of water r getting seized by china#it's soooo bad omg they couldn't even take the time to edit it nicely tanginaaaaaaa HAGHAGHAGHGSHAGSHA#they el fili'd the shit w/cairo & rico. the reveal was already lacking & now they just..killed them off. easy. the thing is that the reveal#doesn't feel like. a reveal only. it felt like a build up; this is the start. this is when they're about to get to the depths of it#because the stories that lead up to it - the stories of the miners & the families - felt scattered throughout the show. as if they're-#planning to someday give the full picture. explain all of it in a bigger context. like there is Going To Be Something Else.#but now it's just....that. the killers dumping their stories. which btw i thought was so stupid bc couldn't u all have at least moved to ur#hideout or whatever b4 doing that. like why r u still hanging out in there hello??? move!!!1!!!!11!#also how tf did they retrieve amando from the hospital???? and when????????????????????#they're shit at making poison bc what did they put in there that only killed the palacios siblings & had everyone else survive it#& if jericho was so serious about killing everyone off couldn't he have shot them also?? just to be sure?? have it trace back to amando#like r u even interested :/ in ur own plan. :/ how sure was he that the poison was gonna work. bc u're bad at math dude everybody lived#rico didn't deserve that ending tbh :( like all of that just to get shot and die in 5 seconds#they had the chance to tell the most interesting story with what they had but they just resorted to 'hey revenge is not nice :('#did they learn nothing from luigi. or the edsa rev '86 /hj but seriously omg that can't just be it#i also wonder wht zig dulay feels bc dang. i feel like he'd b frustrated af w.his creative perfectionist self#& the actors as well i know they're so PR and so clean and they have to be. but i wish they'd have the chance to speak about it candidly#i feel so bad for the writers behind it too tbh i really reallyyy really feel like this isn't how they wanted it to be#I'M STILL CRYING OVER THE GREEN SCREEN ASHAGHAGSA maaaan if i had the free time to create gifsets. bc come onnnn compare this bullshit#to the iconic cinematography it was known for at first. summarizes the downfall of this show so well#filipino high school students are out here creating the best short films/film trailers for their school projects with the best film editing#u've ever seen in ur entire life. & then a tv show w a million peso budget just offered us this#i am sooo gonna do the gifset as soon as i have the free time to edit again lmfaoooooo#okay beyond the green screen thing. i don't think sam's death did anything to the narrative#ik it's like the series' trademark to leave a mystery by the end to signal a sequel but. idk. maybe i'm too fatigued by the shitty#execution of literally everything in the show but it's really just unnecessary#they rlly could've just killed everyone off like that's the only actually fitting ending i fear 💔#widows' war
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I fucking hate driving
#It’s literally the fucking worst#Every time I step out of the drivers seat I literally never want to leave my house again#Because it’s the fucking worst#Because everyone is such a dick#Not in the way they drive even but people INSTANTLY get so fucking mean on the road#Heaven fucking forbid you’re going 30 in a 30 zone or heaven forbid you take a turn slowly#Hey buddy notice how I DIDN’T hit you on that roundabout? Notice how you DIDN’T have to touch your brakes??#I’m sorry you felt like I pulled out in front of you and are this gesturing to your daughter about how I’m the worst#I honestly feel bad I know to always yield in the roundabout which is why I did in fact yield#But you don’t have to be such an asshole#Because I reiterate: I could pull in at a normal speed and you did not have to change your speed in any way to avoid hitting me#Which means yes. I did fit. But I already was going to feel like shit about not just waiting until it was clear you don’t have to#You don’t have to look at me like I’m scum of the earth#I hate this made up fucking game#Nobody actually follows the fucking rules and you have to rely on bullshit social cues because again nobody follows the damn rules#“This is the speed limit but you should go faster here” why is it the fucking limit then#“Stop fully here” well the guy in the giant truck behind me doesn’t think I should#This is such fucking bullshit#People are genuinely just fucking mean when they get in a car and I’m sick of it and there’s no other option#I hate it because it’s just the way the country works and it’s normal stuff and I shouldn’t care#But I come home from every single solo drive crying it’s like I’m six years old again#I’m so damn lonely and I’m so damn tired and I’m so fed up with all this shit
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There's something in finally being out of a situation and realizing WOW I WAS GROOMED FROM THE TIME I WAS 15 BY THEM AND THEY'RE STILL MAKING THEMSELF OUT TO BE A VICTIM that really sucks. Like, thanks for the fun stories, I guess.
#dean talks#Part of me wants to send every mean thing they ever said behind the people they're currently using's backs to the people they said it about#That goes back years and years. but what's the point? That just makes my former friends feel bad.#providing years long proof someone they love has been calling you pathetic isnt going to help anyone#y'know... The 'i wont date anyone younger than my sister' thing was probably a red flag#sure she moved in with a 16 year old boyfriend at 19 with the threat of killing herself over his head but whatever#sure she forcefemmed me—a trans guy who very much did not want that—from the time i was 17 on but thats Fine#sure she made me do a join bank account so I couldn't leave her and made me marry her so i couldn't leave her that's not awful at all!#she fed me food I'm allergic to for months and kept triggering me using trauma she personally knows about but yeah im the asshole#i was told over and over that i was the only reason she was alive from 15 years old until she dropped me for a younger model lmao#she did that TWICE too#whatever#i just want the fucking nightmare to be over#i don't need them to get what they deserve because they never will. i just want to be done with them#btw gotta love love love them saying they're paycheck to paycheck while ordering hundreds of dollars of bullshit off amazon and a $70 skirt#wife tag
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