#lately ive been getting angry as fuck in the last hour or so of my shifts and i cant tell if im just overstimulated or in need of a break

[ohmeowmy]

.

[elibeeline]

Im so tired!!!!! I dont want to work anymore!!!!!! I hate customers glaring at me and talking over me and demanding things and snapping at me watching my every movement!!!!!!!! I hate my coworkers not liking me!!!!!!!! I hate it i hate it i hate it!!!!!!!!!

[evie-sturns]

𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 - 𝘊𝘩𝘳𝘪𝘴 𝘚𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘰𝘭𝘰

summary: you've been pissing chris off all day, accidentally knocking his stuff over, purposely teasing him in public, to the point where he starts to get seriously mad at you to the point where he has to put you in your place.

warnings: smut, rough!chris, use of safe word, argument, swearing.

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I didn't know that what i was doing was affecting chris this much, I mean, today has just been like any other. I hung out with my boyfriend of 2 months, chris, the whole day with his brothers and friends.

he seem's to be extra on edge today, ever since i broke one of his cologne bottles.

(flashback)

hey chris, im just gonna head downstairs- SMASH

"oh fuck i'm so sorry i'll clean that up now-" i said, getting on my hands and knees and collecting the shards of black glass. "y/n just go downstairs, get out of my room please." chris spoke, glaring down at me. "i'm so sorry chris, i can buy you anothe-" i was cut off by him picking me up and placing me outside of his bedroom.

(present)

me, chris, nathan, nick and matt are sitting on the sturniolos couch as the sun sets through the window to our right, a dim light fills the living room as matt and nick have an argument, god knows what its about.

im cudding up to chris's side, my leg resting over his thigh as he scrolls on his phone aimlessly. ive been sitting here for about an hour, i think chris is still pissed about the cologne bottle incident. i hate to admit it, but chris when hes mad is the hottest version of him.

i move my leg from his thigh up to his lap, using my leg to rub him very softly through his sweatpants. he grabs my leg, pushing it off him "stop that." he whispers, shaking his head at me. "stop what?" i ask, a guilty smile tugging at the corners of my lips as i move my leg back to its original position, applying more pressure on his crotch.

right before he's about to grab my leg again nathan starts - "whos up for top golf!" he says, looking around the room with a smile on his face. "nate its late." matt speaks, leaning back against the couch.

"so you're boring?" nate tuts.

"fine, only if the others go though." nick says, standing up off the couch. "chris, y/n?" he says, looking at us.

im about to agree but chris answers for me "were staying here." he says, his tone angry.

i look at chris with a confused look, but hes back to scrolling on his phone. "well me, matt and nate are going, we'll be a few hours." nick says, grabbing his coat and phone.

matt and nathan follow nick out the door, giving me and chris a small wave before slamming the front door shut.

chris stands up, leaving me on the couch, he faces me "what the fuck is wrong with you!" he yells. "what?" i say defensively, moving back against the couch, my eyes widening from the sudden raise of his voice.

"what!!??" he mocks, before starting

"this whole day you've been on my last nerve, and I'm sick of it. You've ruined half the shit in my room then you start touching up on my dick in front of my brothers?"

my jaw is slack, in pure shock as he flames me, i can't help my attitude start to build up, i scoff "not my fault you've been sensitive and pissy all day, sorry that im clumsy today?" i bite back, rolling my eyes.

chris stares at me "you have no respect for any of my shit, youve gone and shattered my $450 cologne that nick got me and you expect me to be happy? pathetic." he yells.

a few tears drop from my eyes, i don't know why. his words aren't hurting me but he knows i can't deal with people yelling at me. my attitude keeps up though "if you're gonna be so sensitive go cry in your room christopher." i fold my arms.

chris storms out of the living room, slamming the door to the bathroom shut.

i wipe my eyes before standing up, running upstairs into chris's room. its already been decided that im staying the night here by nick, so i decide to get into my pyjamas.

i pull my shirt off over my head, revealing my white lacy bra which i especially wore for chris, i was expecting a different evening with us.

suddenly i hear the bedroom door open behind me, chris storms in before walking up to me, i swing my body around to look at him. he grabs me by my throat, i gasp loudly as he grabs me, throwing me down on the mattress.

i sink my teeth into my bottom lip as i look up at him, before pulling him down into an angry kiss. he pulls away, ripping off his shirt. "built up a bit of an attitude today haven't you?" he mumbles, yanking my shorts and panties off in one motion.

he reaches a hand under me onto my back, flipping me over onto my stomach.

he grabs my ankles, forcing me onto all fours. i whine, desperatly. "so needy aren't you." he says, yanking down his sweatpants. i look over my shoulder at him.

"hand behind your back." he demands, putting his hand out. i put my hands behind my back, chris grabs both of my wrists with one hand. holding them, forcing me to arch.

"chirs.." i groan, squirming slightly, his hand collides with my clit. "fuck!" i yelp, chris shushes me "why do you think you deserve my dick after giving me such an attitude today hm?"

he lines himself up with me, pulling my wrists closer to him, my chest and head are fully off the bed as my back arches more then i knew it ever could.

without warning her slams into me, i let out a loud cry from the sudden stretch. "dont. make. a noise." he says, slamming into me at a brutal pace. i let out pathetic whimpers as i'm held in place by him.

he reaches his spare hand round, shoving two fingers in my mouth.

chris has never been like this in bed, im in total shock as he fucks the attitude out of me.

without warning i clench around him, releasing the knot in my stomach. his thrusts don't slow, i wouldn't be wrong if i said they quickened.

im so sensitive, my vision blurry as he takes what he needs from me.

we've had a safe word established for a while, we made it while we were in a stupid mood, so it has a stupid name. 'dinosaur' , but ive never even thought about using it until now.

"chris.. chris chris." i groan, tears streaming down my face from the intensity. "fuck- d-dinosaur" i cry out, chris stops thrusting instantly, checking to see if he heard right.

"dinosaur.." i whisper.

chris pulls out instantly, he gently releases the painful grip on my wrists, as he collapses down next to me, sitting on the bed, pulling me onto his lap in a cradling me.

"hey hey.. don't cry sweetheart." he whispers into my hair, grabbing his shirt and pulling it onto me. "are you alright baby? too much?" he coos, rubbing my arms. "please speak to me gorgeous."

i nod into his chest, "im fine, just sensitive.." i stammer.

"oh okay i'm so sorry" he says, pure guilt in his voice as he stands up, holding me like a bride.

suddenly i let out a small laugh, he looks down, confusion painted across his face.

"wait.. whats funny?" he questions

"what were we thinking when we came up with that safeword." i laugh into his chest.

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this might be my last fic for a few days cause school is starting up tomorrow.

[erwinsvow]

ive been rereading ur bitchy reader stuffs n pleek do more of the pope cameo.. HER SAYING DICK APPT WHEN RAFE COMPLAINED ABT HER HAVING POPES NUMBER MADE ME GIGGLE OUT LOUD pretty please give us more of them 🤲

i imagine her being pissed off at rafe so she keeps giving him the cold shoulder and when he asks something she’d just go “maybe i should’ve gone to heywards instead he wont treat me like this 🙄” BUT ITS SO FUNNY KNOWING SHE DOESNT LIKE POGUES !!!!

LMFAOOO THIS IS KILLING ME!! one thing about my readers, their secret pogue crush is always gonna be pope <3

one thing you had in common with rafe—despite the glaring differences that were so hard to ignore—was that you both didn't care much for pogues.

that was putting it lightly, rafe despised them and you just didn't like them. but some were more tolerable than others—for example, the maybank boy who seemed to you the equivalent of a toddler with sticky hands versus pope heyward, who used to tutor in math. you don't know why or how they're friends, just that you like pope enough to be friendly, or rather polite, and you definitely don't like maybank enough to even think about him.

rafe didn't like any of them, and you didn't really care. you weren't in the habit of defending pogues, and certainly not when you were constantly trying to remind sarah to stay away from them, even though she never listened.

but seeing how angry rafe seemed to get at the mere mention was enough to give you some ideas. when you had jokingly—although now you remember you hadn't really ever clarified—said that you had pope's number because of dick appointments, rafe had gotten so angry it had resulted in the best sex of your life.

you were curious to know what else you could get out of it. unfortunately, your curiosity didn't last for very long. rafe pissed you off just as much as you pissed him off, and though these thoughts were often in one ear and out the other for you.

like today. you had been waiting for twenty whole minutes at the club for rafe, who had insisted he would be on time even though you knew he would probably run late since he was coming from barry's—all the way across town.

all he had to do was admit it, and you would have come later, but instead he had told you to show up at noon and that he wasn't going to be late.

normally you would show up at half past and just tell him to fuck off, but if he really was on time you would never hear the end of it. so you showed up on time and waited... and waited.

rafe finally shows up about forty minutes later, and you stare at him with your signature look—eyes rolling back, an i-told-you-so expression with arms crossed. you could make it more withering if you wanted, but right now you just wanted to hear rafe admit he was wrong.

"shut the fuck up," he says, taking a seat the table. your half drunken diet coke has left a ring of condensation, and you move the cup towards you, wondering how you'd become the kind of girl that waits forty minutes for a guy to show up.

"first of all, i didn't even say anything. second of all, you shut the fuck up. i'm the one who was forty-fucking-minutes late."

"it took longer-"

"longer than you thought? yeah, i said that. yesteday."

"well m'here now, so just order."

you huff, scanning the menu and not sure exactly what retort to use. instead you settle for shutting up entirely, not speaking to rafe the entire time. the waitress comes and goes, the food comes and goes, and you look up when rafe speaks but don't say anything back.

rafe thinks you'll give it up once lunch is over, but you grew up in a household where an hour of silent treatment is child's play. so the car ride to tannyhill, throughout the movie you put on and when you walk away to make popcorn, you haven't said a word.

while the movie credits roll, you look down at your phone, waiting for your apology and deciding when to leave if you don't get it.

"are you seriously gonna ignore me the entire day?"

you stare at rafe, not answering. this is your withering look.

"fine, princess. your choice," rafe shrugs. "finally got you to shut up for once."

you take a moment for his words to really hit you. like any other girl in the world, that comment from your boyfriend hurts a little. it even stings. you don't like the words in the air and you can even tell it left a bitter taste in rafe's mouth. he looks like he's just realizing he overstepped a little. then, for the first time since you saw rafe that day, you speak.

"you know, it's a good thing i didn't delete heyward's number from my phone. times like this i realize how handy it can be."

"what the fuck is th-"

"i mean, really, rafe. even these pogues you hate so much would treat me better than you do. i should go call him up now-"

"okay, princess i get it-"

"bet he'd probably fuck me better than-"

"okay, enough. jesus, i get it. m'sorry, okay? can you knock it off now?"

"i'm not knocking anything off. and you can go fuck yourself if you can't apologize for a little thing like being late-"

"i'm sorry, okay? now can you stop talking about pope fuckin' heyward?" you huff, finally a little pleased he apologized.

"thank you. was that so hard?"

"oh shut up-"

"you shut up. and don't be late again. or i'll show you fuckin' heyward-"

"enough!"

[superaznchick]

im usually on this website for a goofy silly time but im being stalked and harassed by my birth mother

it's scary and i dont know what to do, i made it very clear that i never wanted to see her again and she keeps showing up at my house and ringing the doorbell over and over again and standing waiting around

she waited for 2+ hours for me to come home on Sunday and when we got home she waited around for another hour constantly ringing the doorbell and then she mumbled stuff at me into our doorbell (which as a camera) and claiming that she'll never come back again and told me to go have a good life

but she came back again today during the workday today and was just standing there ringing the doorbell again and again

i called her and told her to never come back that i never wanted to see her again

i already called the non-emergency police line on sunday but they came too late they didnt come until over an hour after i called because she wasn't actively breaking in or doing anything that would require me to call 911 so instead i got the slower response from the officers

i dont know what to do but i know for a FACT that that woman does not respect me as a human. she does not see me as human, she belives she has righteous ownership over me as her property

i know she is stubborn and i know she will never respect my space

if she comes back again im going to need to file a restraining order and press charges for trespassing

this is actually insane i dont know if anyone out there understands this feeling or is even willing to imagine but my anxiety has been through the roof the last few days i feel like nobody cares or wants to care because it's "not so bad" but ive had a lifetime of this woman acting this way

acting entitled to me, treating me as sub-human, not listening to anything i say and feeling like she has a god-given right to access me in any way she wants and throwing a tantrum when i say no

she's a monster to me it makes me feel insane and crazy that i can't get a simple "no" respected. she would never treat any other person this way, she treats me this way because she believes she can. it's sick, it's twisted, it's evil

luckily my husband is on my side and it's so unfair to him because it affects him too, she was here in the middle of a workday and it's disruptive to his work, he has a high pressure job and it's not fair to him that he has to deal with this and i feel so bad

im just so angry, im so infuriated. im fucking 30 years old and i still have to deal with this shit, it's insane. no matter what i do no matter how i do it i'll never be more than her little plaything that she can come throw around whenever she feels like

i hate her and i never want to see her again. my house doesn't even feel safe anymore my walks dont feel safe she literally followed me today

i came home from a walk and she rang the doorbell LITERALLY less than 30 seconds later because she STALKED me and FOLLOWED me and kept violating my boundaries despite there being CLEAR indication that I DONT WANT TO SEE HER

she's literally evil. she knows that she's doing. she parked her car blocks away because she KNOWS. she KNOWS that we'd recognize her car and she PURPOSELY PARKED IT far away enough so we wont see it.

she's not some harmless old lady she's smart and conniving. and that's why im exasperated. i feel like no one will believe me because "oh that's your mom" "how can you say that about your mom" but my soul has been screaming for the last 3 decades. my subconscious remembers everything my nervous system explodes when she's here even when she sends me a text it spikes my cortisol. all the evidence is there but people just dont understand

please if you're reading this please beg the universe that she'll leave me alone. that's all i want, i swear, i'd seriously want for nothing more, i dont want money i dont want fame i dont want success i dont care!!!! i just want to be left in peace, i want to live out the rest of my life in peace away from this monster, please tell the universe, tell the algorithm, tell god, tell the divine, please help me manifest her absence from my life. please tell whoever's running the server to keep that woman away from me im begging. please please please

[pineappleparfaitie]

Regarding recent events

Alright im in a better mental state so i want to clear some things up

1. My "callout" posts ir whatever the fuck  had sfw vore community tags on it I never should have  put on there . Im genuinely sorry to everyone ive hurt with that decision for causing anything triggering or anything along those lines. I was 100% in the wrong and i may have even caused some people to do bad stuff to themselves. I am sorry.I am so sorry.

2.I am in contact with someone trying to clear this up, i saw this person make a post trying to prove i sentthrm BOMB threats. I want a vide recording of this proof sent to me as this is a) a lie on the part of their friend b) i have hd to provide video evidence so i believe it's only fair. If this person is reading this I want your friend to record them doing that as i feel its the best way for us to see the truth.

3.I am most likely leaving the community due to this. Never in my 16 and a half years that I have walked this planet have i been called a neo-n@zi, have i been called a straight up nazi, have i bee called scum and have i had someone so publicly wish harm upon me. I have been threw hell in the last 12+ hours ,i havent slept, my heart aches and I am unable to breath normally.My menstrual cycle wil probably be late due to stress alone even though i should have gotten it a few days ago.

I have RUINED,TAINTED and DESTROYEE discourse around this topic in the community and im so sorry.Im sorry people will wat to speak up on this and fewr theyll be a moron like me.Im sorry people will look at me and never want to bring this issue up because they dont want to end up like me-pathetic and unable to talk without bring so confusing people cant even understand what Im saying.So bad at emphasazing a point I have peple thinking im a nazi or even nazj SYMPATHISER God forbid.

Im sorry to anyone and everyone ive hurt , to anyone and everyone who saw my posts and felt hurt because they had every right to be.

Im so sorry.Im sorry.

4.

This mext bit is directed at this individual.

Read if you wish but if I see or hear people sending threats to this person,sending insults,sending death threats or anything under thr Sun along those lines you are DIRT to me.

.

.

. Im sorry. I have tried apologising where I went wrong. I apologised to you when we cut ties and I reiterated stuff wasnt your fault. You have called me names,misgendered me ,claimed it wasnt a gendered term and later said you thought jt said she/her in my bio when it wasone of the first things on my blog.But i can forgive that. It makes me salty but its a simple mistake .

However

Im sorry. I am so sorry I hurt you. I am sorry you think id even IMAGINE makin bomb threats to you, had you told me to the extent these people were going I would have tried tracking them down myself.  I thought all they did was call you a Zio which I dont even believe you to be. Im sorry if you ever felt belittled ,hurt  ect and weather or not anything comes to light You have the right to FEEL hurt. To FEEL that i wronged you in every way. No one should insult your feelings over this tyoe of stuff. But all I ask is a GRAIN,  not even an ounce, a GRAIN of sympathy after being told to get hit by a train ,then publicly being called a nazi with no proof. The things you listed by definition wouldnt make me a nzi. You have misinterpreted and misunderstood my words and I am SORRY I couldnt be more understanble and word myself better.it was MY FAULT. not you It was ME But I have never insulted you ,called you what you have called me, called you a bitch ,said you were yapping whe you wanted to disprove anything,  gave you desth threats. I am angry amd I am devestated but I will never even call you a zionist. The only issue I ever had after we cut dtuff off was you calling me a neo nazi publicly via vauge post. You could have hated my GUTS and it wouldn't have bothered me cause you have the right to feel hurt

Please. Send me video evidence. Because you andyour friend are making me out to be a antisemitic nazi monster who sends bomb and starvation threats to random 16 year old online. Im the same age as you. I am leaving a community i adored because of this if not 100% then considering I hope you can be happy when or if im gone.Maybe it would bring you closure cause you said everyone agrees im wrong. I may have misread your words here - but I believe you said it would be better if i left. The post isfone now tough.

Im not claiming you did i may have misremembered. But if so I hope you can finnaly get closure and be happy when im gone.

I hope you can finnaly be happy .All i ask is ehen I leave to not do this to anyone else. You have destroyedme from the inside out.

Im sorry I wasnt better , im sorry i made you feel like shit, im sorry me not thinking may have or HAS caused you mental or even physical pain.

Im sorry. Im not asking for forgiveness, because no one decides that but you. Amd you habe every right to not even think about it

I want you to know Im sorry

-Pine

[aew-regression-cove]

!!! talk about sum general venty stuff an some heavier topics too such as sh, pls just a heads up !!! — and as specified in the tags I don't believe I'm at a dangerous place yet, I'm safe. I'm just concerned if this keeps up.

mama angry at me 😭 my cold s makin me feel nauseous more often than was before so really needs to go away but I was supposed to do somethin today an I did it but then mum asked me to do something else (both times revolved around going out) an I last minute felt like was gonna be sick an told her I couldn't so she got angry cos she was late 😭 couldn't help it :(( feel sick an sad an just want cuddle and reassurance that everything s okay because this nausea bullshit has completely ruined a whole year of my life and it's really starting to affect me now- genuinely worried all this could cause me to relapse and I really don't fucking want that 😭 im sure within like an hour I'll probably get over all of this i just have big feeling rn an needed to get them out- i will be so pissed if i relapse- ive been clean for at least a year and a bit

[ciderjacks]

please tell me about cal, love that little bastard

oHHHHHHOHOHOOHHO YES. OK. I WILL. IVE BEEN WAITING 10 YEARSTO BE ASKED THIS VERY QUESTION.

so ok so. Uh heavy Heavy TW for like themes of suicide and mental illness and stuff ahead. I’m sorry I would avoid it but it is genuinely impossible to talk about this story without them, bc that’s literally the central theme of it. But. Okok.

Sso Cal is one of my fav characters ever, he was originally created as like, a tragic backstory for Kimu-

(Kimu is this guy)

-so like, literally created to die. And he’s always been sort of a sad character. I made him when I was like 11 and edgy so he was an emo childhood friend of Kimu’s who takes his life, sending Kimu on a downward spiral. Like that was the original story basically.

Then as time passed I started developing the story, added more character and Cal got to have a personality, but he still dies. More time passes and I start to really like Cal, and bc his death is like, the most important part of the story, he sort of becomes the “main character”. Then in like 2023 I decided I actually didn’t want him to die, partially because I felt bad and partially bc at the time I really didn’t like the idea of having a character like him ending that way. like. Thematically I just didn’t like it.

So now he’s alive, the meta narrative has decided that he should live. I change it up so he has a suicide attempt, but survives it and gets his shit together after bc he’s now realized he likes being alive even though it sucks sometimes.

There’s a lot of like, actually in narrative drama happening in this version of the story. He’s got a crappy home life, he’s got gender dysphoria, he’s in a weird love triangle with like three of his friends. Usual stuff. Up to this point it’s sort of been a sad version of a slice of life, like. Sort of similar to bojack horseman I’d say, if I was to compare it to anything. I like stories like that but tbh they’re sort of uninteresting to describe.

ANYWAY HERES WHERE THE TIME LOOP IS INTRODUCED.

so at some point I was thinking about how Cal was a doomed character for so long, then got like. a second chance to live. Bc I felt bad about killing him. And then because I love Groundhog Day more than any normal person should, I went “omg what if there was a time loop type thing. Or like a time reset. Or something. Like a single time loop.” And then I was like omg bc now there’s more to the story than just a straight linear narrative.

So now there’s two stories for the price of one. Cal’s first chance, and Cal’s second chance.

So first chance is way more similar to the earlier one I described, before he gets his fate changed. His life in his first chance sucks. He’s being treated badly at home, he’s being treated badly at school, he’s an asshole so all his friends sort of hate him, he’s ruined several peoples lives just sort of by existing in them. Terrible. A lot of the bad stuff that he goes through is also entirely his fault like he really really sucks here. He drives all his friends away besides Kimu, who is extremely patient and also Cal is his best friend.

Kimu is the one to confront Cal #1 (I’m just gonna call this Cal, Cal #1 now. So it’s easier to understand what I’m talking about bc time stuff is weird and confusing.) and Cal #1, worlds worst guy, just completely loses it on him. He pushes him into a shelf, which causes Kimu to actually get hurt, and Kimu is obviously shocked and angry, so he storms out and tells Cal they’re done. Cal #1, realizing he’s fucked up, is like “well I’ve hurt literally everyone in my life irreparably. Guess I’ll die.”

Ofc old pal Kimu, feeling off about the argument like an hour later, comes back to apologize. Unfortunately this is change #1, so it’s too late. Last thing Cal #1 processes is Kimu freaking tf out. He ends up dying at 19, like days before he turned 20.

So on that cheery ending, Cal wakes up. This time it’s Cal #2 though. He wakes up and realizes that he is a baby, he’s back at his old house, and he is a baby. The thing is though, he has all his memories from his first life. This makes him, first of all, and incredibly intelligent baby. (He still has baby brain though, not the brain of a 19 year old. That would be a whole different world of problems.) But second of all, he is REALLY REALLY weirded out and uncomfortable.

He freaks out for the first couple years of his new life, which is the exact same as his old life except now he has cheat codes. Then around the age of like, 5, he has the realization that he has cheat codes, and if he can map everything that went wrong in his first life, he might actually be able to change his outcomes. so he does that, he does that for awhile. At this point most of the external things are the same. He’s best friends with Alex, he becomes friends with Kimu via Alex, it’s all the same.

Kimu, Alex, and Cal in that order ^^^ (It’s also worth noting that while he overtime is able to address a lot of his shittiness as being shitty, and him being to blame for most of it. he can’t seem to see Kimu as a victim of his crappy behaviour. He even still sort of resents him for how things went, bc first life Kimu was sort of a dick too.)

so anyway things are normal the first like maybe 6 years after that too. He changes some of the big things that went wrong in his early life, he avoids some people he knows are bad news now, which also stops his mom from going criminal (long story. She’s a shit mom most of the time but she’s still protective, and will still do anything for her kid.) he thinks this might save her from dying, he actually does everything he can to prevent her death. It doesn’t. None of it works. She dies differently, this time of a sickness rather than suicide. She also dies later on in the story this time. We’ll come back to this.

anyways, it’s around this point Yami and Amelia get introduced. Amelia is Cal #1’s greatest sin, she’s the person he really fucked over, and it’s to the point where Cal #2 doesn’t even think he should talk to her. Yami is Amelia’s cousin and Kimu’s childhood best friend, though they had a falling out.

(Yami and Amelia. Yami is the husky, Amelia is the spaniel.)

In the first life, Yami also dies. Completely unrelated to Cal, like they barely even knew each other. Yami died because of a prank gone wrong, done by some bullies.

However this really started off Cal #1’s downward turn, because this incident totally fucked up both Kimu and Amelia, and Kimu being all fucked up is partially what drove Alex away. (The other part was Cal’s fault LOL). Kimu got really withdrawn and aggressive, wanting revenge for what happened. Amelia got weird and withdrawn, and starts focusing on getting into this prestigious arts college way harder than before, and Cal, who doesn’t fully understand grief or why people feel it, figures maybe it’s because her parents are awful and controlling (and like. Ok they are. But. They don’t gaf about her grades or studies. He just totally misread the situation.)

He’s also mad that she’s not hanging out with him, or doing the weird chaotic stuff that they used to do all the time. He tells her she just needs to unwind, and let go of the expectations put upon her. Amelia is reluctant at first, but then as she unwinds, she starts to get way more crazy than she ever was before bc of all the shit she’s been bottling up. They do some extremely dangerous shit, on what is basically a bender, and then he ends up crashing the car bc he wasn’t watching the road. They get arrested, she’s now disabled, her parents disown her, she loses her scholarship, and it’s all mostly his fault. He’s too emotionally stunted to even properly apologize.

(Illustration of about how he responded to all this)

She tells him she’ll kill him if she sees him again, and that’s the end of their relationship in the first life.

Back to the second life. Cal peer pressures Yami into letting him come to hang out with him and his bullies (the ones who ended up accidentally slashing him). Yami relents, but is really uncomfortable because he doesn’t know this guy. Flash forward a few hours, the bullies do the prank, but this time because Cal is there, Yami doesn’t die. This incident leads to two things happening. 1) Yami connecting enough dots to vaguely remember his first life. Not as clearly as Cal, but now he’s suspicious. 2) Cal and Yami becoming friends.

Yami ends up later introducing Cal and Amelia, and they end up becoming friends, though for a long time Cal tries to keep her at arms length. This is hard bc they get along really well.

eventually he gives in and they become besties again, but without all the trauma and horrors. This is great, and this is around when Cal starts to think he’s actually done well. He’s 19, he’s sort of awkwardly repaired his relationship with his mom, all his friends are happy and alive, everyone’s closer than ever. Like things are going REALLY well.

Anyway remember earlier when I mention his mom dies in both lives? Yeah so. When he’s 19, she dies of a sickness that he thought was improving. It’s really sudden, and it really trips him out. Not only is he just actually devastated, but now he starts wondering if some things are just bound to happen. He worked so hard to change her fate, and she still died relatively young and unexpectedly.

Then he finds out it technically wasn’t the sickness that killed her. She did it to herself because she realized it was getting worse, and she would probably die from it, and decided she’d rather die in a way she self was dignified. She didn’t tell him any of that.

Now he’s really like. “Oh god maybe things are just meant to happen.” this undoes a lot of the work he did on himself throughout this life, and he reverts back into a similar weird jerk that he was before. Less destructive obviously, but he withdraws, he starts ghosting everyone, he doesn’t leave his apartment. Eventually Kimu rolls up to confront him, and remember when I said Cal never grappled with how his actions affected Kimu, and how he still sort of resents him? Yeah.

So this happens.

It’s at this point he Finally, after nearly 20 years, realizes the one person who stuck by him at all times in both his lives, and the person he arguably hurt most, even more than Amelia.

And then he realizes that no matter how much he tried to change, it ended up like this.

And he thinks back to his mom, and how some things just seem doomed. Kimu storms out in tears, just like how he did during Cal’s first chance, and Cal decides that he and his mom must share the same fate.

This is one day before the anniversary of his death. Fortunately this time Kimu didn’t actually leave. He waited outside Cal’s door for a few minutes, thinking about what just happened, and then decides something is off and comes back in to talk things out.

He catches Cal this time, right before he attempts, and stops him from doing anything. Ofc Kimu starts yelling at him, asking him what the hell he’s doing, but all Cal can think about is that for whatever reason: Kimu came back early. And more importantly, that before Kimu came back, he hesitated.

this is about when he has a realization that nothing is actually doomed, and that this whole he’s wanted nothing more than to live. He realizes he wanted to live so much it created a tear in time and space.

So then he gets therapy and starts actually properly living his life to the fullest.

[cicadangel]

erm.! diary 12/4

hi i havent been online in a bit or written any diary entries recently bc well i was really depressed and then i just like forgot or whatever. but uhmmm life updates sorta/just how im doing right now.

i will start with the good news :-) i am not depressed! ive been feeling good pretty consistently for the past 2 weeks i think? ive been happy enough to be able to function normally and do all the stuff i need to do. also school swim started so i got to see my crush (the one i talked abt a bunch last year) and i actually need him so bad he's so fine i need him. not much has happened w him (in terms of moments or whatever) but it will soon trust!!!!!! also ive been feeling a bit more confident lately in terms of how i think guys percieve me so i hope maybe that will inspire me to make a move but probably not. oh well.

as for everything else. well. i have been having issues with that one bitch "friend" ofc hoping to hit her with a car sometime soon. but thats not rly new ig. i am kind of having issues too tho with one of my other friends bc he's being weird and annoying. recently hes been extremely sensitive abt just everything which is whatever except he won't tell me, he'll just get upset and try to get me to ask him if he's upset except i won't play that game ugghhhhh if u have a problem with me tell me bc i wont understand otherwise!!! i cannot possibly fathom what he's got wrong with him about me so im not even gonna try. if he wants to fix it he can use his words otherwise no bueno it is not happening!!!!

he's also been like. weird to me recently. we're in psychology class together and we're gonna be at the "abnormal behavior" unit soon (which is mental illnesses) and he keeps saying ohhhh we're almost at your unit we're almost there when it's like stop thats actually so annoying. i am abnormal and crazy but that's not ur place to say? i dont talk to my friends abt my mental illness struggles but i guess it is obvious there's smth wrong with me or whatever but it's just annoying. i will talk abt how im against involuntary commitment to psych wards and how sooooo many therapists only end up doing more harm than good and my problems with the whole mental health industry and the modern understanding of it bc it's smth im rly passionate abt, but he just brushes me off as if i dont have first hand experience with all of the terrible ways psychiatry and the mental health industry can fuck people up???? i also feel weird talking to him in general sometimes bc i know he'll bring me up to his therapist (because he constantly mentions it) and i feel like i cant talk to him bc he's gonna tell her and that just puts a weird strain on the relationship. like his therapist knows me, but just from his pov and that kinda weirds me out im ngl.

oh i also got in a fight w my mom today. actually we're still fighting. it was over something soooo insignificant but i got so overly angry like i always do and now im going to make it ruin the rest of my day because i am insufferable. she's just been really angering me lately also ive been feeling destructive which is complicated. i dont rly like the term "splitting" but it's def what ive been doing a lot lately. ugh. also i like dont know what to do with my bpd "diagnosis" it makes me angry and like i just have so many problems with it in so many ways REGARDLESS if i actually have it or whatever which i could talk abt for hours. in some ways it's nice to have a label for what ive been going through my whole life but in most ways i am like not too happy with the fact that ive been handed a disqualification from ever being upset again. if i am, it'll just be because im a crazy borderline! ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyway. more on that whole mess later sorry

[just-some-random-blogger]

[laughs in annoying] IVE BEEN SET OUT OF A CAGE FAMS IVE BEEN SET FREE FROM MY ACADEMIC BURDENS TODAY MARKS DAY 1 OF MY SPAM REBLOG SPREE BWAAHAHAHA not that school has ever stopped me from being annoying or a spam reblogger HAHAHAHAH

Chile anyways

She knows that Aemond always joins her eventually; even in sleep her subconscious mind registers the dip in the mattress as he climbs in beside her at whatever godforsaken hour he has finally finished his crown duties. But then when she wakes in the morning he is gone again, rising before her to get a head start on the day. All that lingers of him is his scent and the subtle warmth of his body on the sheets. Both are long gone by the time night falls again. She misses her husband.

.....,.. I don't remember what my train if thought was when i read this???? Probably that it was well written??? but you already knew that. Uhhhhh maybe it was sad??? HAHAHAHAHAAHHH HELP ME AND MY SHORT TERM MEMORY--- ok to be fair i have way more emotions about the ending than the beninging (beginning but intentional typo)

Deciding that she can take no more of her and Aemond being passing ships in the night, she slips out of bed and pads barefoot to the library, the space she knows he is now spending all of his evenings, evenings he used to spend with her. Her hair is loose and she is dressed only in her nightgown but she doesn't care; the hour is late and there is no one around to see her.

Also i just know that nightgowns gonna be a problem 😗🫤

“Aemond…” she whispers, causing his head to finally rise from his note taking as he looks towards her, his brow furrowing with concern.

OH NO WAIT I REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT AFTER READING THIS OR RATHER HOW I VIVIDLY IMAGINED AEMOND IN THIS MOMENT AND [FERAL SHAKING] HOW I WENT 😫😫😫💢💢💢💢 HOW ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING IT IS FOR THIS MAN TO LOOK SO FINE IN MY HEAD AND A) NOT BE REAL & B) NOT BE MINE FUCK THAT SHHHHIIIITTT

“I have no taste for your depravity.” His voice is cool, but his tone is spiteful. “If you wish to parade around the Keep like a common whore, and believe yourself more important than the Crown, then I believe you’ve married the wrong brother.”

Men are so predictable. Im not even angry im just disappointed. I see that when i dont get angry i get really sad so i say very calmly fuck you aemond

Aemond’s face immediately softens, rising from his seat to reach for her but she backs away, a soft whimper escaping her with the force of which she is holding back her tears. She runs from him, throwing open the library doors and hurrying down the hallway.

Her not blowing up at him is so much more delicious cause it hurts more. I hope you suffer (((((((:

He looks up as she enters. It looks as though he has been crying. They stare at each other in silence for a few moments, neither one of them knowing quite what to say. Usually he is in council meetings at this hour of the day, she was not expecting to see him.

A minute i-feel-bad-for-you, cause yeah youre valid for being stressed but not valid for calling your wife a whore 😘🫴

Aemond’s face twists in anguish at the last part of her statement. He rises from the bed, taking her hands in his. “Here is where they should stay. I am so very sorry, my love.”

)))))))): ok but this hurts so i want to hurt you back. Is it wrong yeah but idc idc

“Every night. Except last night. When I returned you weren’t here...”

She glances over his shoulder to see that her pillows have been heaped onto Aemond’s side of the bed.

I feel sad but mostly cos youre an idiot )))):

Hello how are you?

you could write Aemond offending Y/n in a moment of rage but he regrets it and asks for forgiveness

HELLO, I AM WELL, THANK YOU FOR ASKING.

YOU GOT IT, DUDE.

Warnings: Angst, eventual fluff. Word count: ~1700

She breathes a withering sigh as her hand strokes the cold, empty space in the bed next to her. It is now the eighth night in a row that Aemond has not come to bed when she has. Sad as it is to admit, she is becoming used to falling asleep alone. 

She knows that Aemond always joins her eventually; even in sleep her subconscious mind registers the dip in the mattress as he climbs in beside her at whatever godforsaken hour he has finally finished his crown duties. But then when she wakes in the morning he is gone again, rising before her to get a head start on the day. All that lingers of him is his scent and the subtle warmth of his body on the sheets. Both are long gone by the time night falls again. She misses her husband.

Deciding that she can take no more of her and Aemond being passing ships in the night, she slips out of bed and pads barefoot to the library, the space she knows he is now spending all of his evenings, evenings he used to spend with her. Her hair is loose and she is dressed only in her nightgown but she doesn't care; the hour is late and there is no one around to see her.

She pushes the heavy wooden doors open - not all the way - just enough for her to slip through the gap without causing too much of a draught or a disturbance. There he sits, her husband Aemond. His eyepatch is discarded on the table next to him, his hair though still in its usual half up, half down style is disheveled - the likely result of how many times he has run his hand over it in exasperation. He is hunched over a table littered with scrolls, furiously scribbling notes as his good eye occasionally flickers towards the papers spread out around him. He does not even register her presence.

“Aemond…” she whispers, causing his head to finally rise from his note taking as he looks towards her, his brow furrowing with concern.

“What is the matter, my love?” He asks. “You ought to be asleep by now.”

“I am missing my husband.” She purrs, stepping behind him to rub his shoulders.

“Mmm. And the realm will miss its Prince Regent and Protector, while Aegon recovers, if I neglect my duties.” He says matter of factly.

“What about your husbandly duties?” She asks, rounding his chair to face him. “I have barely seen you in over a week. You are neglecting me.”

She can sense the irritation in the flare of his nostrils and the furrow of his brow as he looks upon her, but she hopes that she can win him around. She has always managed to in the past.

She moves to sit in Aemond’s lap, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and leaning in to whisper to him. “Can your wife not provide a welcome distraction, even for a moment?”

The force with which Aemond shoves her off of his lap plants her bottom firmly onto the cold flagstone floor. She stares up at him wide-eyed. If she had thought that action cruel then the words that tumble from her husband’s lips next are a death blow.

“I have no taste for your depravity.” His voice is cool, but his tone is spiteful. “If you wish to parade around the Keep like a common whore, and believe yourself more important than the Crown, then I believe you’ve married the wrong brother.”

She flinches, her heart constricting painfully as she scrambles to her feet.

Aemond’s face immediately softens, rising from his seat to reach for her but she backs away, a soft whimper escaping her with the force of which she is holding back her tears. She runs from him, throwing open the library doors and hurrying down the hallway.

She does not return to their shared marital bedchamber, choosing instead to retreat to her own. It is a room she has not entered since her and Aemond were wed. Neither of them ever felt the need to make use of their separate rooms following their wedding night, preferring to sleep together.

There is a coldness and an overbearing sense of emptiness in the air that serves only to deepen the ache in her chest. As she lays upon the now unfamiliar feeling bed the tears finally come; hot, salty and relentless.

There is a rational part of her that knows that Aemond does not mean what he said. He is under immense pressure at the moment and is struggling to juggle the responsibilities of being both a husband and a Prince Regent. His reaction was one of frustration at feeling backed into a corner. Duty has always weighed heavily upon his shoulders.

However, knowing all of this does little to remove the sting from his words or the pain in her heart. Perhaps she should have gotten dressed before seeking him out. Maybe he really doesn’t think they are suited for each other.

The thoughts swirl continuously around in her mind as her cries turn to sniffles, before she falls into a fitful, dreamless sleep.

For a few brief moments upon awakening the next day, she forgets, and all feels right in the world. Then the room swims into focus as she drifts fully into consciousness and she takes in her foreign surroundings. It is as though a large weight has suddenly been placed upon her chest and she groans, pulling the blankets up over her head as she curls in on herself. She cannot face the day today.

When her handmaidens enter her bedchamber, offering to help ready her for the day, she dismisses them. She claims she is not hungry when she is told that breakfast is being served. She remains curled in a ball, miserable thoughts consuming her mind and breaking her own heart. She wonders if Aemond feels as broken as she does. Somehow she doubts it.

As morning bleeds into afternoon, she finally rouses herself from her bed. The ceaseless rumbles of hunger in her stomach making it impossible for her to wallow any longer.

Taking in the lack of possessions in the room - she has moved almost everything to her marital chambers - she silently curses herself and wishes she hadn’t spent all morning sending away the various servants that had attempted to tend to her.

In only her nightgown, she makes the inelegant, but thankfully short, walk from her own rooms back to the ones she shares with Aemond, seeking clothing and perhaps a bath.

She freezes at the sight that meets her as she opens the door, her heart feels as though it has leapt into her throat. Aemond sits on the bed in a sorry state. His hair is untied and he is wearing only his undershirt and breeches. 

He looks up as she enters. It looks as though he has been crying. They stare at each other in silence for a few moments, neither one of them knowing quite what to say. Usually he is in council meetings at this hour of the day, she was not expecting to see him.

“I- I didn’t think you’d be here…” She finally confesses.

Aemond gives a small nod. “I have asked Grandsire to lead in my stead today. I said I was unwell.”

She has never felt so awkward or uncomfortable in her own husband’s presence before. She shifts from one foot to the other, keeping her hands clasped in front of her. “I…um…just came back to get something to wear. All of my clothes are here…at the moment.”

Aemond’s face twists in anguish at the last part of her statement. He rises from the bed, taking her hands in his. “Here is where they should stay. I am so very sorry, my love.”

Considering the heartache she has felt since leaving the library the previous night, she surprises herself when she doesn’t melt at Aemond’s words, instead she bristles with anger, yanking her hands away. “What you said, what you did to me, was terrible.”

Aemond bows his head slightly. “I know…I should never have said it. I did not mean it.”

“Then why did you say it?” She folds her arms across her chest, looking at him defiantly.

He sighs, scrubbing a hand over his face. “It has not been easy for me these past few weeks. There is so much pressure on me, acting as Protector of the Realm. My duties pull me away from you. I am only able to hold you when you are sleeping. I feel like I am failing as a husband and when you confirmed that I am…I lost my temper. I am sorry, my love.”

“You aren’t failing as a husband, Aemond, you are just busy. All I wanted was a little of your attention.”

“I am trying. Everything I do is to make you proud. The thought of holding you when I return each night is what gets me through every tedious Council meeting.”

“You hold me?” She asks, a ghost of a smile tugging at her lips.

“Every night. Except last night. When I returned you weren’t here...” She glances over his shoulder to see that her pillows have been heaped onto Aemond’s side of the bed.

He follows her line of sight before turning back to her sheepishly. “They smelled like you…”

She huffs a small laugh and he looks at her hopefully.

“Do you forgive me?”

“I will work on it.” She says honestly. “You really hurt me, Aemond. I need you to remember I am your wife. Don’t treat me like an enemy. I am on your side.”

“I know. I never meant to make you feel like I thought otherwise. And I will spend every day proving to you that I am worthy of having you on my side.”

He steps forward cupping her cheeks and gently pressing his forehead to hers.

“We should get dressed, people will be wondering where we are.” she whispers. 

“No”, Aemond murmurs, “The realm has all of me every day, but today they will not have us.”

[missmoondalorian]

Chapter Three - Return of the King

    You hadn't slept so deeply in a long time. Though you stayed up very late with the crewmen, you woke up feeling well rested and... happy? Optimistic? You weren't sure of the feeling since it had become unfamiliar to you, but it was a nice one. You look over to the bed to your right, where you sister was still sound asleep. As silently as possible, you slip out of bed, throw on your robe, and sneak out of the room. 

    Standing outside the door you instinctively look to the right, down the hall to your parents' room. You can't even remember the last time you could bring yourself to open the door. A few times you considered moving out of your shared room into theirs, so you and Sis could each have your own, but doing so would mean admitting that they aren't coming back. Besides, what do you need extra space for?

    You make your way down the other side of the hall, into the kitchen, reminding yourself that you need to prepare coffee and tea for more than just two today.     Once it's finished, you pour yourself a cup, and head into the common room to enjoy the silence before everyone wakes up.

    The big front window looks out across the street towards the docks, and the sun rising over the horizon of the ocean makes for a beautiful view. It was one of the reasons your parents chose this building for the inn. Little by little you see the fishermen emerging from their homes, loading their boats, and casting off for the day, signifying the start of the work day. 

A creak on the stairs makes you jump. 

You turn your head, to see Sir Tavros coming down, looking more awake than he has any right to at this hour. 

"Good morning," you greet him "did you sleep alright?"

"Like a bear in the winter." He responds, "It has been months since any of us had slept in a real bed. I almost didn't want to get up!" He laughed.

"Well, after breakfast you are more than welcome to go back to bed." You smile. "Coffee or tea?"

"Tea please, if it's not too much trouble. And I cannot allow us that luxury miss, we have much work to do in the village today. " 

"Oh I was only joking. I can imagine there is a lot of mess to undo after the damage from the Slavers. "

"Oh yes, of course, my apologies. We Minotaurs are very literal beings, I forget sometimes man's sense of humor!

His Majesty constantly pokes fun at my expense because of it." 

You smile at him as he sat in the chair across from you. " You and your crew seem to be very close with him. He must be a good man. "

You poured a cup of tea and handed it to him. 

"Very much so. He is young, but wise beyond his years." Tavros drops some sugar into his cup.

" Young?" You asked confused. "Forgive me but, surely his Majesty must be in his 60's by now?"

Tavros looked at you as if you grew an elephant trunk.

" Lass, you don't think we have been speaking about King Caspian the IV this whole time?"

" What.... What other King Caspian is there?... " You felt like an absolute fucking idiot. 

Tavros laughed the most booming, hearty laugh you have ever heard. 

" His SON!! King Caspian X!" 

You turned beet red.

" Oh forgive me young lass," he said between laughing, " it is completely my fault for not clarifying. Of course you would think we were speaking of his father! He was the last King you knew! "

" Wait.. so.. when did he have a son? When did he become king? "

    Tavros then regailed an amazing tale of murder and war. Of kings and queens of ancient times. Of how Caspian X, an orphan by his uncle's hand, brought together two kingdoms and is correcting all the wrong his uncle did. 

"But to your initial comment, " he ended his story, " yes, we love him dearly. Aside from his wisdom he is also very kind hearted, and gentle by nature, which makes him beloved by his people. I cannot express to you how saddened and angry he was that your Islands were in the state that they were. He felt personally responsible for it. "

" But he didn't know, he couldn't have. " You respond as he took a sip of tea.

" King Caspian... meaning his father...left us in good hands until the Slavers came back, and they ensured our isolation.

What's more is now I understand why we were left to fend for ourselves all these years. Lord Miraz wasn't about to give us any resources, was he? Poor Lorn Bern."

"Yes. We told him the same." Tavros explained. "But he holds his people so dear to him, he felt as if he let you down." 

"Well. I can't speak for others but, I can say that his actions yesterday spoke volumes for me. He, and your crew, freed us. That is something Sis has never known in her life. To not have to wake up every morning in fear of today being the day they take her away is... well... foreign to us. Furthermore I will make sure the rest of the town knows the whole story. He can be sure no one will blame him."

"I am sorry for the years of suffering you and your sister endured." Tavros responded sincerely. " This is why we stayed behind. To get the Lone Islands into the same condition as the mainland. To assure everyone that they are safe, and well looked after again." 

" Thank you. Truly. " you smiled, " your presence means more than you know. "

* * * * *

    The next several months went by like a whirlwind. The old castle was in such disrepair that it was deemed unsalvageable, and construction has begun on a new one. Though it would be several more months before it was completed. As such the crew of the Dawn Treader stayed at your inn. Taking care of a full inn was fucking exhausting. Though after living together for all this time they felt like family, so you really didn't mind.

    The kitchen had now been fully stocked consistently for the first time since you were a child, the wood was always chopped, and what's more is you didn't have to make a single item of clothing to sell in months. 

    One of the crew members, the Dwarf, was a banker back in Narnia, and he offered to help you set up a new business plan for the inn. Sir Tavros was more than gracious with his pay for their stay, and assured you that with the trade routes to the island back open, business would be consistent.

    One day, you decided that you finally had enough saved up for some new fabrics. You and Sis desperately needed some new clothes. She went off to play with her new friends, (the townsfolk were now allowing the children to play outside together again), and the men were off patrolling. So you took the opportunity to go shopping.

    It felt very strange, knowing this fabric was to be for clothes for you. You allowed yourself to pick things you liked, rather than what you knew others would. As you walked, you began to notice how many people actually lived on the island. You wondered how many more there would be if no one had been taken...

    You suddenly realized that there only seemed like more people because everyone was crowding in the same direction. You looked around, and they were all hurrying towards the docks. You heard "ship" and "boats" mentioned as people rushed past you.

"What's going on?" You asked an elderly woman you recognized as one of the fishermans' wives. 

"A big ship with purple sails was seen headed this way." She answered. 

"Purple sails? " you repeat back.

" Yes! Which can only mean the King has returned to the Lone Islands! "

[bubsub69]

Entry 18

6/7/2023 14:53

I've been wiritng less in the diary lately, maybe because now not only is college over but i also finished my stupid report so im less stressed but also because i've written what ive wanted to and i guess theres really no point in repeating myself, but whatever in like an hour im gonna present the project and hopefully graduate since this is the only subject whos grade i dont know and hopefully those fucks dont just fail me because they didnt like my report and presentation or something but aside that this is like the last thing to do for this school year.

I've invited my cousin so she could help me demonstrate the game but i guess she doesnt care. i asked her last night hey you free tomorrow at 5 wanna help? and she said lemme check my schedule and never came back to me. then i asked her again this morning and she apparantly forgot the time and wheter she was free or not and hasnt replied again, so i guess thats her way of telling me to fuck off, you know the person who im pretty much always on call to help her telling me to get lost when i need her for a slight favor, its not like it was gonna be that boring she could just ignore my presentation and then just play the fucking game i made for like 5 minutes but i guess thats asking too much, she also didnt want to do me the simple favor of playtesting it for me which is now making me question my relationship with her, cause who knows maybe my mom was right, maybe shes just using me and doesnt care about me. I already knew she wasnt that great of a person but i guess i wasnt expecting her to be like this to me but i guess all the signs were there, we always do what she wants, she doesnt care about my stuff but i have to care about hers. i guess i was just desperate as well since shes kind of my only friend but screw it im cutting her off unless she changes or something.

This thing really reinforced the ideia that no one cares about me, especially as a person, to my cousin im just errand boy and backup friend in case im angry at my boyfriend, to my parents im just dumb child that cares about the 'puter and is student, like when was the last time someone asked my about something i cared about, when was the last time someone asked me "hey played anything interesting lately" or something like that no one gives a fuck about what me as a human being but i guess thats on me for not being able to make friends. i just.. i dont even know what i want, a friend a girlfriend, someone to cuddle, i just wish i had some company that actually cared about all of me and not just my fucking school life or something.

but enough complaining i have a presentation to get ready for

17:21

Writing from my phone cause yikes that presentation kinda sucked .Im waiting outside the room rn waiting for them to give me my grade. But while my part of the presentation I think went decent enough the next part was awful like 10 minutes of just "jesus H. Christ your report sucks so much it was an awful experience to read, your Portuguese sucks you're writing sucks..."

Ok I went back and the dude said I failed.. then he said jk I had a 17. I was about to throw hands on that man holy shit. So after days of being told the report was the most important thing he gave me one of my highest grades ever and said "it could be higher if it wasn't for the report"

So thus concludes the chase game chapter I guess, from doing the game is fun to doing the report is fun to being angry at people

[loversdomain]

its pretty good!! way better compared to my other job i had last year, i was a waitress/front of house staff in a hotel for minimum wage and it was a fancy one too see the customers were horrible and chefs creepy (creepy john is what i called the weirdest one) but the people who own it are actually nice which is a bonus!!!

yeah thats what im slightly worried about, originally i was gonna work tuesdays, fridays AND weekends but decided to not work fridays so that i could have alot least one entire free day in college. and tomorrow is gonna be great bc since my tutor period was cancelled bc of the fire i have 6 hours of free periods which ill use to do most of my work if not all!! bc i have work early on saturday and im going to see a taylor swift string quartet tribute so ill be getting home late since its far from me :)) but im excited nonetheless!!

OH MY GOD. right so i have this "friend" el, and she was one of my closest friends since abt 2019/2020?? she literally helped me out of one of the worst friend groups ive been in ever and introduced me to friends i still have today. like literally my bestfriend for years- then when the second quarantine hit and we were starting year 11 mocks, she got ill and missed alot of school and when she came back she started being quite distant with us. THEN its the last exam and me and the 3 other friends in the friend group (there was me, el, 2 other girls and one who was slowly joining our group) were going for a picnic- and she declined coming bc she was busy (we then saw her in morrisons afterwards bc she told a little fib) THEN over summer she doesnt talk to us once, deactivates the socials, unfriends us on EVERYTHING and leaves all the groupchats (even the inactive ones). so we're all confused (and i was upset and a little angry) abt why she'd drop us out of nowhere.

but a few months have gone by now and i get a notif from snapchat that someone in my contacts has recently joined snapchat... ITS EL. omg what is going on. so i still missed so i added her not expecting an add back but she did the other day. NOW this is embarassing for me bc its so annoying but basically we start talking abt school and whatever and she says she basically just stopped speaking to everyone from school except this one girl called abi (i sat there in shock bc ik u wont get it but it is just so random) but anyways idc happy for her (not really) BUT THEN she says "its crazy how much everything has changed" and i go "yeah omg ikr, like i missed talking to you"

this is my embarrassing downfall like wtf. you would think she'd reply (even if she didnt mean it) "yeah i missed speaking to you to!!". no. that is not what was said. INSTEAD SHE GOES "awwww thats so sweet!" i want to kms. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK 😭😭 this close to deleting the message, like that is so????

p.s !!!!! OH MY GOD MY MUM AND FAD CALLE FME AND MY SISTER TO THE LIVING ROOM AND WERE SEEING RUPAUL WERQ THE WORLD TPUR IN OVTOBER OMGGD (okay bye now)

omg u just posted omg omg omg ALSO I FINALLY GOT A JOB!!!!! WOOOOO!!!! okay okay im going to read it in a sec AH

AAAAAHHH!!! CONGRATS MJ!!! that’s amazing omg :’) gathering that your trial shift went well then??!!

[kirishwima]

lmaooo what a bitch

[vampyroteuthid]

math teachers do your fucking job challenge!!!

[amoristt]

Grazing the Fire | IV

well hello. here i am, four years later, once again enamored with nathan enough to finally dust this baby off and pick up where i left it. im a little rusty so bear with me this chapter! much more to come <3

reblogs + tags and replies will make my entire day as i put a lot of effort into this :)! it also helps motivate me!

story continues beneath the read more. let me know if you can’t access it!

Warning: language, very vague s/a mentions

want to support me? heres my kofi!

__________________________

“Alright class, who can tell me,” A board stick clacks against the chalkboard. “Who can answer problem four?” 

A few hands raise in the corners of your eye, but yours remains atop your desk. Eyes far away, mind in a murky haze and almost completely unaware. All you could focus on were the memories playing on repeat within the confines of your tired, tired brain. Hours ago, you were warm, you were comfortable. Safe.

Cheeks heated to a dusting blush when you remind yourself just how you had awoken that morning. At some point in the night, an angel had blessed you. Allowed you to wake up wrapped around none other than big, bad, Nathan Prescott. Your face nuzzled into his chest, broad but wiry hands pressed firmly over your shoulder and his arm slung over your waist to keep you against him. Thankfully you had been the first to wake up, blinking away the morning sun blazing through his blinds and painting the room stripes of gold. At that moment, before your headache came crashing down onto your skull, you were astounded by him. 

Eye lashes brushing the top of his cheeks, his lips parted ever so slightly, chest rising and falling rhythmically. In that moment, there was no anger, no bitterness. Just a soft and peaceful slumber. It was like being the sole viewer of a magnificent painting- each stroke and detail placed just there just for you to pick out, to remember the curves and sharp edges down to the very foundation. From his unkempt hair down to the way his hand flattened onto the mattress where your indent still lived. Nathan was so beautiful like this. 

For a long time you stayed there. It was as though you were afraid to move- you couldn’t bear to disturb him. You had wondered, if he was always like this, so at peace, what would he be like? Likely soft voiced, mild mannered. He’d do his school assignments without hassle and donate to the charity board. He would wander the town with his friends and listen to music in a beat up truck flying down the stretch of highway overlooking the bold, blue, and beautiful ocean. An entirely different version of himself- carefree, and a fair blue as opposed to a burning flame of red. 

But, if that were the case, you’d never have gotten here. You’d never been both the outsider, and the only seeing eye. A lucky, albeit firstly unwilling witness to the display of depth before you. 

It never hit you like it had quite in that moment how lucky you were.

But- just then- an alarm disturbed what serendipity existed. You nearly leapt out of your skin, clutched your hands to your chest at the sudden sound. A headache wove its way into your once untouched temples. Nathan groaned, mumbled, ‘god damn it’, under his breath, and thus his body was reanimated into life. He rubbed his eyes and he stretched, that familiar scowl coming over his eyes and lips as he took in the sunlight damn near blinding him. A polar opposite to the being you’d appreciated just moments earlier.

“Ugh, fuck, how the fuck is it seven already.” He groaned. “I feel like shit.”

“Well good morning to you too,” You started, welcoming Nathan into the world. “‘I’m feeling pretty shitty as well.” 

You said that, but really… You were more than alright. Your head had hurt, slight nausea crept into the wells of your stomach, but other than that you’re sure you were phenomenally better than you’d have been waking up whereverTate would have left your ass.

“You need to get outta here, before everyone gets up.” Nathan drawled, but he didn’t sound as urgent as you expected him to be. You’d expected him to be angry that you were still in his room, but instead he just… accepted it. 

You snickered, climbing out of his throne of a bed. “Wow, you’re giving me the morning after treatment?” 

“Sure am. Get outta here, whore.”

“Oh fuck you.” 

You located your heels from last night, resting upright near his dorm room door. Heels didn’t sound like the most  practical to sneak out of a dorm with, so you instead opted to grappling them by the straps and carrying them at your side. Hair a mess, outfit riddled with wrinkles and makeup smudged under your eyes, you stood before Nathan in all your glory. He stared at you for a long, odd moment- and you for some reason felt exposed, or even, shy. 

“What?” You ask expectantly, placing a hand on your hip. 

His eyes trail to your line of vision. He shakes his head. “Just thinking about how now you really do look like my morning after.”

“Yeah?” You hummed. “Find it hard to believe you get a lot of those.”

Nathan shoots you a suggestive glance. “You’d be surprised. Everyone wants a piece of Prescott.”

Surely, he was joking, or maybe he wasn’t, but you… Didn’t like hearing that. It made your stomach feel odd, uncomfortably heavy.  As he stood up, reminding you how many inches he had over your size, you swallowed and cleared your throat to flush out that crappy feeling. “Well,” you started, mood having dropped. “I’m gonna go, then.” 

“What got your panties in a twist all the sudden?” He asked, raising a brow and pulling some clothes from his closet, tossing them onto the bed.

The bed you two had shared.

You hated the idea of his morning afters- whoever they may be. 

“Not feeling great. Probably a side effect of the roofies.” You mumbled.

Nathan breathed a laugh. “Probably.”

He seemed so calm, right now. Perhaps due to it being so early, before the outside world had a chance to remind him just why he was so uptight all the tight. Before he needed to be so uptight all the time. He really did have so many versions of himself- all of whom you were slowly becoming familiar with. Compared to the person you’d believed him to be before your run ins, you’d never have assumed someone so dangerous could be so soft as last night, as this morning. In the beginning, you’d feared him. Avoided him like a plague, or a wild animal. Even when you were enraptured in the existence of him, you still wanted to keep away. You’d never have believed someone like you could wake up clutched to his chest, as though he were afraid if he released you, you’d be gone long before he woke. 

Then, a sudden thought struck your mind. 

He’d held you so tight. He’d welcomed you in the morning. No anger, no annoyance. His soft laugh at your banter and taunts. How your heels were standing upright instead of tossed haphazardly into some random corner, where he’d watch your struggle to find. 

How he’d stayed awake to ensure your sleep.

“So are you just gonna stand there?” Nathan called you back to reality, hands gripping the hems of his shirt. “I gotta get ready and you need to wash up so you don’t look like a five dollar stripper.” Cruel words, but with absolutely no bite. You rolled your eyes.

“Yeah. But, hey,” You started. “Thank you for last night.” 

“Yeah, yeah. You gotta start learning to watch your own back.” He says. “There’s gonna be times I won’t be there to drag your ass out of the fire.”

If you’d been charged, if you’d been stricken with a strange defensiveness, you’d have retorted, ‘than stop helping me’, but… Instead you allowed yourself the comfort of protection. You allowed Nathan Prescott to watch you.  

“I know,” You reached for the door. “Thank you.”

With that, you bounded out of the dorm silent as a mouse. 

-----------

In hindsight, you should have left earlier. Class was merely 15 minutes away when you slipped out of Nathan's room and bounded towards the women's dorm. Albeit not exactly a long walk, by the time you discreetly snuck back into your own dorm, you had roughly twenty minutes to somehow pick an outfit from your countless unopened boxes and make yourself even slightly presentable. 

Wiping off whatever make-up you could get and reapplying it, brushing out the tangles of your hair and nearly tearing off your scalp in the process, scattering your nightclothes over your floor and managing to scrounge out a semi-decent outfit for the day… You still looked a mess. If the mirror could laugh, it would have. Black mascara smudges under your eyes and frizzy untreated hair. What a lovely look. 

You’d made it to class just five minutes late, but those five minutes were all it took for all eyes to be on you as you tried to slide into the classroom unnoticed. A couple classmates whispered to their table mates as you passed by, smelling of oversaturated cherry blossom perfume to hopefully cover the scent of alcohol. You sauntered to your seat and sank down with all your weight, suddenly exhausted. You’d made it with just five minutes tainting your record of attendance. The teacher greeted you with a disappointed sigh, and thus, the day began. 

But, it was so hard to focus. All you could think about was Nathan. 

“Alright class, who can tell me,” A board stick clacks against the chalkboard. “Who can answer problem four?” 

You lowered your head. 

“Ah, how about, ___?”

You snaked back into reality, blinking up at the chalk board that was somehow already riddled with math equations. Since you hadn’t been paying attention even in the slightest, your mouth gaped wide open, eyes scanning for something you understood even slightly so you didn’t look like a total idiot. 

Sadly, you were out of luck. The teacher shook his head. “I’m shocked,” He said. “You're normally so on top of things. Oh well.”

“Oh, I’m sure she was on top of things,” A female voice sniggered behind you “Last night.”

Your face flushed a red, hot, ruby. What the hell was she talking about? How had they found out you were with Nathan? You were so sure of being sneaky, there was no way-

“Her and Tate totally got it on last night.”

You whipped around in your seat, facing girls who looked to be clones of some sort. Both with the same dark eyes, short brown hair, and freckles. “What?”

“Alright-” Your teacher blurted. “That's enough. April, May, enough. Let’s not discuss things outside of the classroom.”

The two girls batted their eyes. “Sorry sir.” One spoke, twirling a hand through her hair. Her sister's wide toothy grin never fumbled. 

“Back to it then. Kate, can you help out __ with number four?” 

The small, blonde girl nodded quickly, brushing a lock of hair behind her eyes and offering an empathic nod. 

As you turned around in your seat, her answer fell on deaf ears. Your heart was racing in your chest, hands balled into fists while you stared ahead blankly.  

They couldn’t seriously think that you chose to leave with Tate, could they? Surely someone must have seen the state you were in. Someone other than Nathan.

The clock ticks forward but time feels like it's passing almost unnaturally slow. With just 10 minutes left, you feel your phone vibrate in your pocket.

‘Nathan: consider ur favor officially returned 

Your tongue poked from your lips, the tiniest of smiles taking over your once sullen features. Terrible thoughts and worries flew out the window while you type back, ‘damn. here i was gonna to ask you to do a backflip off the roof with me. there goes my plans.’

Nathan types for a moment. Typing, stopping, typing again. 

‘Nathan: soundz like a blast. where and when?’

A small blush heats your cheeks. ‘very funny. thanks to last night i have an entire 24 hour session of studying to catch up with.’

His response is almost instant. ‘Nathan: boringgg. txt me when ur fun.’

Rolling your eyes, you shove your phone back into your pocket. It seems you’ve been able to secure enough of a friendship with him for some mindless banter even outside your little visits. You smile. He’s… Fun to talk to. Surprisingly. 

Class comes to an end and you start to pack up the books and papers you’d hardly even glanced at the whole period. Whatever had been upsetting you before is lost in your mind while you think of the morning, the night before. All the things in-between. But, your happiness doesn’t last long. As you get up, you’re almost forced right back into your seat as a weight shoves into your shoulder. Your books scatter to the floor. April, the one who’d remarked about you earlier, glares at you in what looks to be disgust. 

“Careful April,” Her sister hums as she saunters past you, keeping distance and raising her already shrill tone of voice. “Might wanna watch where you’re walking- I’d hate for you to catch something from this slut.”

You absolutely gawk at her. “What the fuck did you just say to me?”

April scoffs. “Oh come on, like everyone doesn’t know what you were up to last night.”

“Sleeping around isn’t a good color on you.” May hikes her bag over her shoulder and snickers at you. They both leave the class together, sickeningly in sync. You’re left stunned where you stand, unsure how the hell your life came to this so quickly. How you’ve stooped so low that the daughters of the world's most uncreative parents are able to bully you based on something that didn’t even happen.

Next class goes no better. The person to your right, a jockey looking brunette guy, asks, ‘have you ever heard of a Tate?’. You say no, that that’s the dumbest name you’ve ever heard. The idiot grins and goes back to marking down likely wrong answers on his test sheet and you debate kicking the leg of his chair out- but you don’t to avoid even more eyes on you. It makes you sick to your stomach- even more than recovering from the roofies does. How can everyone believe it? You barely even knew the guy and you were clearly uncomfortable with his advances. No one saw that? 

After everything you’d worked for to build a reputation, trying so hard to not call out peoples shit for the sake of seeming friendly, tainted over something that didn’t even happen? And the kicker was that it hadn’t even been your fault! He’d drugged you, he’d have taken advantage of you! Yet you were the bad person? 

Class came and went in the blink of an eye this time. Your mind wrapped up in the situation, your stomach churning. You wanted the day to be over with but you still had 4 more classes to suffer through. Why was this happening to you? Was Tate being treated just as horribly, or was he getting pats on the backs of his unaware friends?

Wandering down the halls to your locker, you noticed Lance and Kaz hanging around one of the drinking fountains. Your nerves quelled- your friends would surely make you feel much better. Especially since they had witnessed how awful you were feeling as you left. You approach with a relieved smile, ready to say your truth and finally have someone on your side.

“Hey guys.” You smile, but Lance looks down at his feet while Kaz places her hands to his hips. Your smile fades.

“You could have told us you were gonna spend the night with Tate,” Kaz snaps. “You didn’t need to lie like that just to leave. We were all worried about you and it was for nothing.”

“What?” You feel like you could cry. “No, Kaz, I really did try to leave. Tate tried to drug me and take me home, and-”

“He wouldn’t do that.” Lance interrupts, with a frown. He looks back down at the floor with knitted brows. “I’ve known Tate since before time. He wouldn't do something like that, especially not to one of my best friends. Plus he told me he was really into you. Why would he even try?”

“Are you serious?” You sputter. “You think I’d lie about something like that?”

“You’ve been lying about all sorts of things!” Kaz huffs. “What’s going on with you lately? You’ve been so distant, and secretive. What are you hiding that’s making you lie like this? We’re supposed to be your friends and then you lie to our faces just to go and fuck the first guy that shows you attention.”

“What…?” It was like acid. It was like the rug had been pulled from your feet sending you spiraling down the unending cliff. Kaz, your best friend, all that venom. How could they turn against you like this? What the hell is going on? You felt your throat tighten. “Look, I’m sorry if I’ve been distant, but I’m not lying to you, I-”

“We gotta go.” Lance isn’t in the mood to hear it. “We’ll catch up to you.. Some other time.”

Kaz says nothing as she pushes past you. Lance, at least, spares a short glance over his shoulder. You stood there alone in the hallway, your bag falling off your shoulder and clattering onto the floor with a thud echoing off the walls. Everything you had, all gone at once. 

No one believed you.

---------

With nowhere to go where you felt like you could truly allow yourself to process the day's events, you went to the only place you knew. 

Just outside of campus, where rocks lined the edge of the boundary, overlooking the outskirts of the town and the ocean stretching as far as the eye could see. You settled yourself there, staring at the vast waters and wondering how this had all happened. Unlucky didn’t even begin to cover how it felt. Not only did you feel violated with Tate attempting to do unthinkable things with your unconscious body, but you also felt alone, and walked on. Your best friends hadn’t believed you. While Lance seemed saddened, Kaz was so… Angry. Her words cut like knives into your skin. 

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair. You didn’t deserve this.

You want to talk to Nathan, but knowing him, he’d see your state and bounce instantly. After all, this isn’t exactly very fun of you.

As the sun began to fall, splaying orange and blues over the wide open sky, behind you, you could hear voices. A group of them, some male, some female. Memories of when your notebook had gotten snatched by those two horsed face assholes came flooding back and with all your alertness, you stood up, and decided that this sitting place was no longer safe. Nothing was.

Before you even made it ten feet away, the group had found their way to your spot and gotten comfortable, one of the girls cheering, ‘this’ll be our hangout! look at how pretty the view is!’

You took a short drive down the stretches of road and decided that if you were going to lament in your own sadness, you were at least going to do so in a place that had something to cover the sound of your tears. Plus a nice view.

The beach, littered with its picnic tables and the sounds of crashing waves would suffice just fine. So, you pulled in the desolate parking lot and wandered down the sandy shores until you stumbled upon a picnic table shaded by a large willow cascading lushious branches to block out the sun- a perfect canopy for you to wallow under. 

You had nothing at that moment. No friends, no reputation, no one to believe your tragic tale. And now, you’d just lost the one spot that made you feel comfortable when stress was building into your body like concrete. Tears pricked into the corners of your eyes and you bit your lip, dreading that feeling of a lump in your throat. Why you? Everything had been going so well. How could not even a single person believe that Tate had tried to hurt you?

Well, actually, there was one person.

Of course Nathan believed you. He’d been the one to rescue you, after all. Time and time again it seemed.  How was it that even the ones closest to you would turn their back so fast, yet Nathan seemed to be there even when you didn’t want him to be? Even when you yelled at him, and he yelled right back, fire and sparks falling into embers around the two of you. 

In that moment, you almost felt like you could finally relate to him. A reputation based on lies and things out of your control, paired with a hardheaded attitude to try and combat all the assumptions. 

No wonder he was so angry. 

“Hey bitch,” A voice suddenly called, and you had a split second moment where you were terrified of once again being the victim of a cruel prank or some classmates boredom. “How about next time you have a pity party you don’t fucking call me in the middle of it.”

You blinked away your tears and through the blurriness saw a figure coming towards you. All that sass, the tone...

“Nathan?” You breathed. It only takes moments before he’s in front of you, holding his phone in view, seeing that the call that had been running for nearly ten minute. You flush in embarrassment, pulling your phone from your back pocket. “How did that happen?”

“Well, can your ass dial numbers?” He taunts, ending the call. 

“Damn it, dumb phone must have butt-dialed you. I knew I should’ve gotten a different one.” You mentally kick yourself. “It must have unlocked in my pocket.”

“You don’t have a password on your phone?” He taunts. When you shake your head, he whistles. “You are just begging for a robbery. I’ll keep that in mind when I’m in the mood to send random messages to all your buddies.” 

“Fuck off.” You scowl, and he grins, hopping up on the picnic table next to you. The sun flatters his skin. He’s almost glowing. 

“Speaking of buddies, how the hell did it pick my number out of your sea of friends?”

You shrug. “Probably cuz’ it’s a priority contact.” 

“Oh lala, I’ve been upgraded to priority huh? Does it display a superman logo whenever you give it a ring?”

“Nope. When I press call it rings the nearest asshole in my vicinity. The fact that it’s you is your own problem.”

“Haha, fucking ha.” He leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees. He stares out at the water, watching waves pull and crash onto the beach. It’s almost beautiful, until he ruins it. “Yknow, you’re a really ugly crier.”

“Wow, thanks.” You shake your head. “That's exactly what I needed to hear right now. Why did you even stay on the line?.” Wiping your eyes, you start to forget your tears. “Couldn’t have been that wild of a conversation.”

Nathan shrugs. “Between the crying and the sound of the waves it was pretty nice.” He grins. “Very educational.” 

“Awesome. Glad I was able to make your day.” It doesn’t feel like your usual bitey remarks. You’re tired, you’re still a little hurt and you can’t stop thinking about how such an amazing morning had turned into such a horrible day.

“So what’s got you all fucked up? Never seen you act like this big of a baby before.”

“Nothing. You already paid off your debt to me per this morning, so feel free to resume our regularly scheduled mutual hatred.” You say, lying through your teeth. You know you’re both past the point of hatred, but you’re feeling jaded, you can’t help it. 

“Oh shut the fuck up,” He groans. “I didn’t drag my ass all the fucking way out to this shit hole of a beach just for you to give me that bullshit. What, did you fail a test? No one matched you on tinder?”

“Everyone thinks me and Tate slept together last night.” You blurt. “I think he’s telling people me and him had sex.”

Nathan tenses his shoulders and grimaces. “Fucking werido.”

“I told my best friends that he tried to take advantage of me and they don’t believe me. One of em’ even said he wouldn’t do something like that.”

“Fuck em’. Who needs best friends.”

“And to make everything so much better, these two bitches that I share four of my classes with harassed me all goddamn day. I mean, fucks sake, how the hell are girls named April and May of all things able to get to me. It’s bullshit. And to make matters worse, Tate is just… Getting away with it.”

“Yeah well, something tells me that Tate’s gonna get a real nice fucking taste of medicine eventually. I just gotta find him first. He’s got a lot of nerve spreading shit around given I knocked his ass onto the pavement.” Nathan brows knit at the memory.

You test the waters. “Why would you do that for me?”

He seems caught off guard, or maybe, surprised that you’d ask. Maybe he thinks you’re both beyond that point. He grumbles, “Why does it matter.”

“I’m just curious. We don’t owe each other anything, remember?”

“Yeah, well,” He huffs. “Don’t ask me questions to shit I don’t know the answer to.”

“You say that an awful lot.” You tease.

“Yeah well you ask dumbass questions an awful lot. Not everything I do has to have some weird ass motives behind it, ___. Maybe I’ve got beef with Tate that’s outside of you.”

“Uhuh. Sure.” You’re about to say something else, when your phone lights up with a text. The display makes your heart fall all over again. 

Unknown Number: you should just pack up and go somewhere else. no one wants std’s from breathing your air xoxo

You don’t even know who that is. Now absolute strangers are on your case. You want to throw your phone into the ocean and leave.

Nathan scoffs. “Don’t even bat a fucking eye for that bitch, whoever the hell they are. Half the hoes you’ve mentioned have slept with half the football team,” he pinches his jacket, “and I would know.”

“Ew, Nathan,” You grimace, that same feeling from the morning returning. It feels, oddly, like jealousy.  He nudges your arm with his elbow and grins playfully. It’s cute.

“Chill, I’m just fucking with you. You gotta know even I wouldn’t fuck girls that desperate. I’m a man of class.”

That last comment actually forces a laugh from you. It’s soft, but it’s real. The first laugh you’ve genuinely had all day. “That’s horrible.” You remark, giggling again.

It's almost like the slight restoration of your mood puts him at ease as well. He leans back on his hands and stares off into the ocean, those sparkling waters under the setting, orange sun. “I’m for real though. Those hoes aren’t worth your time. One day when we blow this shithole of a town they’re not even gonna matter.”

Your brows knit, eyes blinking up at him. Had you heard that right? 

“We?” You ask, perplexed, albeit a little… Hopeful.

Nathan sputters. “Well- Like, when everyone’s older and-”

“You know what, it's fine.” You interrupt. “Fuck it. You’re right. We’re gonna blow this town and they’re just gonna be some shitty memories.”

He sucks in a shaky breath. You’ve never heard him scramble like that, like he’s been unmasked. The look he casts you when you agree, when you don’t tease or patronize and finally hop on the idea that yeah, what if the two of you really didn’t have to deal with it anymore.

What if the two of you could just exist, without the anger. 

You look up at him. “Would you actually do that though?” You start. “With me, of all people?”

He swallows. His expression is tense, but he’s not upset. He appears nervous, caught off guard. Nathan tries, “I-”

Your phone rings. Shrill, piercing. Mood destroying. 

“Jesus Christ, it’s my mom.” You grab your phone and Nathan looks forward, stone faced and silent as you hop off the table and answer. It’s your mother, who all but shouts into the phone that her and your father are taking a surprising visit to Arcadia Bay while they’re traveling by on their vacation. She insists that you be ready in about an hour for dinner, and likely there will be family photos. 

Which means if you still look as wrecked as you did this morning, you’re gonna have a lot of washing up to do. With a quick goodbye, a short and sweet, ‘love you’, you hang up and sigh. 

“You still tell your mom you love her?” He teases. “What are you, five?”

You frown. “You don’t tell your parents you love them?”

Nathan side eyes you, and just shrugs. It is all the answer you need, really, and for his sake you decide it wouldn’t be best to press the issue. Not now. But- it still makes your heart hurt just a little. You wished that he’d had it better growing up. 

“Right… Do you want a ride home?”

“Fuck no, what am I,” He shoves his hands into his pockets. “a fucking girl scout?” 

“I was just offering, weirdo.” When he doesn't get up, you feel like you’re missing out. Like if you stayed, maybe, just maybe, you’d get to know him a little better. “Hey, if you want, I can stay for a bit longer.”

He rolls his eyes. “You’re needed elsewhere. But,” he shrugs. “I don’t know. Fuckin’... Text me or something. Or not, I don’t care either way.”

There’s a small warmth in your chest that rises to your cheeks. He wants you to text him. “Yeah,” You say. “If I’m feeling fun.”

And with that, you bid him farewell, beginning your descent to the parking lot. 

“Hey,” He calls, and you turn just in time to catch a small item he’s tossed right at you. A tiny key resides in the palm of your hand. “Spare. If shit hits the fan again-...” He shrugs, and actually looks away. “Just don’t be too fucking loud of I’ll kick your ass out myself. No Madison needed.”

The widest grin plays over your lips. “I’m gonna re-decorate your room while you’re gone.”

“Ah, you fucking better not.” He shouts. “Actually- you know what, give it back.” 

“No, no! I’m sorry.” You play with the key between your fingers. “Thanks for this.”

“Yeah, whatever. Don’t lose it and remember- emergencies only. I don’t need you watching me sleep like fucking freak. We’re past that stage.” 

“How many times will I have to say I was never watching you. Christ… But, alright. See ya, then.” The key is heavy in your palm. 

You place it into your pocket and give him one last glance before you take off, leaving him to enjoy the sound of waves, birds, and the absence of your tears.