#last year i said i'd finish it before december. and i stand by that!

[faggot-friday]

Good news, I am just over halfway through the ginasfs fic

[stuffnonsenseandotherthings]

In my spare time, when I'm not watching dramas I'm either reading books or watching people talking about books on YouTube. One tradition I've always really enjoyed is their "Mid-Year Freak Out" tag, especially because I like the idea of getting a chance to reflect on the year so far as well as look to the year ahead.

This year I thought I'd combine my two passions and use (and in some cases alter) the prompts for my own use, i.e. so that I can talk about dramas rather than books.

The only rule: answer the questions (and go wild I guess).

And we start the list with the biggest risk! No The Trainee is nowhere near finished and, no I have no idea how it's going to finish (it's GMMTV it could drop the ball through the floor and into the earth's core for all I know) but, if it manages to keep going the way it's going, I'm going to absolutely love it. I've mentioned before that The Trainee reminds me a lot of Misaeng, what I haven't said is that Misaeng is my (tied) favourite drama of all time and if The Trainee can get anywhere close to making me feel like I did the first time I watched Misaeng (which it is so far) then it's on to a winning formula.

So far it's got everything I look for in a drama: a solid cast with excellent chemistry, a plot that focuses on the little battles of everyday life, and an excellent mix of fast friendship and slow burn romance with plenty of character development along the way. It also doesn't hurt that it's got the balance between slapstick-funny and emotional tension pretty much bang on either.

I can't get this drama or it's characters out of my head and I am deeply, deeply, invested in where things are going next so, as a nod to the hold it has on me and my hope that I've found a new all-time fave, The Trainee is my favourite drama so far so GMMTV DO NOT LET ME DOWN.

Thai BL opening themes can be very hit or miss for me (I won't lie, I have skipped many an opening sequence because I can't stand the song) but Wandee Goodday's "Fan With Benefit" caught my ear the first time I heard it and refused to leave me alone after that. I think I listened to it on repeat for at least 2 weeks and then at least once a day after that.

It's fun, it's flirty, it's got a chorus I like to dance to and it has now found itself on my "Songs to Cook Dinner To" playlist (I don't know if that says more about the song or how I cook dinner).

Now if only the drama lived up to its theme song...

Last Twilight would have been on this list had I not dropped it in December and, as a result, rendered it ineligible for a 2024 drama. I'm still absolutely fuming about how badly it let its audience down and how terribly it handled an extremely nuisanced topic to the point its final messaging was almost harmful.

I'm not going to get into this in too much detail because my frustrations have been voiced much more eloquently by people @lurkingshan and @twig-tea. I will say, however, that I loved the first 6(?) episodes of Wandee Goodday and I'm really sad about how much I didn't enjoy the rest of the drama.

There were a lot of things to like (and a lot of potential) right from the start: two couples with great chemistry, an ace character with actual depth and dimension, really sweet relationships (both familial and friendships), and the foundations for some interesting explorations of various interpersonal dynamics. Unfortunately none of these things really got followed through on and instead Wandee decided to go dark (with topics like mental health, sexual assault, loss and grief, parental neglect and abandonment to name a few) and do it badly. I don't mind if a show wants to explore difficult topics, in fact I really appreciate it, but what I won't tolerate is a drama introducing those topics as central plot points and then skimming over them in the most superficial way possible.

If you can't be bothered to put in the effort to properly research/explore difficult topics, do not include them in your drama.

I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS SHOW SINCE IT FIRST GOT ANNOUNCED. Which unfortunate because I was so excited for it I got stressed about it living up to my expectations (or not) and then couldn't watch it when it came out. It's annoying, it happens, I know how to fix it.

Anyway, I've given it some space, I've dealt with the other things that were making me stressed and I am now ready to devour it give it a go.

I have long been a fan of Ahn Pan Seok's works and I really appreciate his directorial style, the themes he chooses to tackle, and the way in which he explores his topics of choice. I will fully acknowledge his work is not for everyone; he favours slow (extremely slow) stories with characters and plots who are realistic to a frustrating (and sometimes infuriating) degree. You also need to have a pretty in depth understanding of Korean society and its problems, taboos and concerns to fully understand the underlying messages of his dramas and the structures/beliefs/views he's critiquing. That being said, for me that is the perfect recipe for a drama that's going to claw itself into my brain and stay there.

Secret Love Affair, One Spring Night, and Something in the Rain all had a lasting impact on me and, thanks to @lurkingshan's posts, I'm pretty sure Midnight Romance in Hagwon will join them.

It may come as a surprise after the last entry but I actually try quite hard to not get hyped about upcoming releases, mainly to avoid creating any expectations which can then be disappointed. I like to go in with as open a mind as possible.

As a result, there are a few upcoming releases I'm keeping an eye on but none I'd say I'm properly "anticipating" (á la Midnight Romance in Hagwon). The closest I can get is Monster Next Door which I am genuinely excited for and which I plan to watch from day 1.

I'm not completely sure why I'm looking forward to it so much, I think it's because I do love a good opposites attract, foes-to-hoes dynamic and Monster Next Door seems like it's going to offer that to me in spades alongside a serving of comedy and a sprinkling of heat. Bring the introvert-extrovert pairing and let me watch them be stupidly whipped for each other, it's all I need for now.

Technically all of the dramas on my Want to Watch list because I want to clear it but I'm aware that that's a bit of a reach.... If anyone can spot any dramas on here that you think I should prioritize (or dramas you think I should scrap), recommendations would be appreciated.

I also want to watch more Japanese BLs. The few I've got through, I've enjoyed and, for a lot of them, I've already read and loved the source manga so I know I'll enjoy the plot. Unfortunately I really struggle with the short episodes (30 minutes is not long enough for me to get invested) and that I have to commit to binging them and can't watch them while they're airing, which is a whole other issue. I'm thinking of focussing on Japanese GL for now as a hook (I'm not enjoying the current Thai GL line up and I'm running out of Korean GL I can find online) so I guess the dramas I "need" to watch are She Loves to Cook and She Loves to Eat and Ayaka is in Love with Hiroko.

* Biggest surprise

* Newest favourite actor/director/writer/producer

* Most beautiful drama

* Newest fictional crush

* Newest favourite character

* A drama that made you cry

* A drama that made you happy

And there you have it! Lightly tagging @lurkingshan @twig-tea and @italianpersonwithashippersheart but no pressure! Anyone else who wants to do this, feel free! Just tag me so I can gather more recs to make my To Watch list even longer.

[lawbyrhys]

The Logan Paul v. Coffeezilla Lawsuit: Part Two

Here's a situation I never thought I'd be talking about, but here we are! Let's dive on in to Logan Paul's huge defamation suit against Coffeezilla.

Finally, the lawsuit itself! Let's get into all the details of what exactly is going on in this wild case between these two YouTube juggernauts.

By the way, I'll be referring to Coffeezilla as Findeisen in my work about this case because that's his legal last name, and I didn't pass the bar and get a BigLaw job to spend my free time dictating the word "Coffeezilla" into my iPhone as I'm stuck in LA traffic. I'm gonna do it the legit way. Sue me, or don't—you know I'll win. ;)

Check back for updates as the case goes on; I will publish them when I have time to work on them. Let's get into the lawsuit as it stands now.

Logan Paul is the plaintiff in this lawsuit, and he filed the case in the US District Court of the Western District of Texas—Federal Court. Findeisen is based in Texas, while Paul resides in Puerto Rico. The latter made an interesting choice by filing in federal court, as Findeisen can't use the anti-SLAPP laws afforded in Texas and applicable in Texas state court. A SLAPP suit—meaning Strategic Lawsuit Against Public Participation—essentially means you can't sue your critics into silence or otherwise use your power combined with that of the justice system to intimidate or censor them. This also means the Texas Citizens Participation Act, an act that allows defendants to file to dismiss such a suit that infringes their free speech. Both of these statutes save time and money for the defendant, especially the latter, which would halt the suit before it even enters discovery, but why would Paul want to spare Findeisen any expenses? He doesn't, so he didn't. We can thank the 5th Circuit determined these laws don't apply in federal court; Paul's counsel appears to know the law, so that's something.

Now to the actual lawsuit; like, really this time.

Paul alleges that Findeisen's comments about his CryptoZoo debacle "perpetuates a false narrative that CryptoZoo was a scam orchestrated by Paul," continuing that Findeisen, "knew he was making false statements when he published the videos." All of this started as soon as Findeisen started publishing his commentary content to YouTube in December of 2022. Paul commented at the time, "You led the charge to drive and monetize a narrative telling millions of people that I'm a fraud or I tried to scam my audience. That is patently false." At the time, Paul said Findeisen didn't reach out until December 24th for "the facts," but the latter claims he reached out in October of 2022, ultimately getting no reply. This was enough to get Paul off his back for the timing being, even prompting the would-be crypto mogul to praise the commentator for "bringing [the situation] to light." This wasn't enough of a white flag for Findeisen, though, and he told Paul he'd continue to watch the story and advised the latter that, "the right thing to do here is file refunds; that's what this has always been about."

Since Paul confirmed Findeisen was being truthful, where's the defamation? Besides, Texas has a one-year statute of limitations on libel claims; it's been nearly two years. So, what now?

Shortly thereafter, Paul announced his new "three-step plan" to fix things, and it goes as follows: he would burn his coins so he had no financial interest, offer a rewards program worth $1.5M for disappointed players so they cash in and get out, and finish and deliver the game. Some of his fans weren't happy with that, though, and so they sued him, going into arbitration and being represented by none other than AttorneyTom himself, Tom Kherkher.

Six months after all of this went down, Findeisen tweeted that Paul had blocked him, writing that "Paul is the type of dude to thank you when you expose his scam, then block you when you remind him to pay up." This tweet is the first real example of defamation given by Paul, alleging it as libel per se, or a statement so damaging on its face the plaintiff doesn't need to prove special damages; essentially, it's damaging enough as is.

Understanding what actual defamation means in a court of law—I have made a post about it as a general referential educational tool already—Paul claims that the above statement was damaging to his reputation, saying that "the accusation that Paul operated a financial scam is one that tends to harm his reputation, so as to lower him in the estimation of the community, or deter third persons from associating or dealing with him. The June 29, 2023 X post is libelous per se as it tends to affect Paul and his profession or occupation and accuses Paul of engaging in illegal conduct."

Interesting, though, as Paul's profession does not fall within the realms of development, finance or business, and rather within the social media space, the allegations of libel per se are applied narrowly at best in this situation. Regardless, though, Paul claims Findeisen knew CryptoZoo wasn't a scam, and posting otherwise would lead others to believe differently. Essentially, Paul is casting the blame onto his various business partners in the endeavor while claiming Findeisen's prior research and documentation validates the former in his role as a mere "hoodwinked" victim in all of this, too, but took it too far as the research swung out of Paul's favor and crept into territory that would "intentionally defraud people in order to increase [Findeisen's] own profile by continuing to attack a well-known celebrity."

A glaring issue with this, though, is not only would Paul have a hard time proving concrete damages as a result of Findeisen's claims, but he'd be hard-pressed to prove the latter's characterizations of him untrue, as everything stated by Findeisen was factually based in the reality Paul and his team had created. It's funny that everybody agrees CryptoZoo was a scam, and there's fault to be assumed; the question flying around is, who is actually liable to assume that fault? There's a lot of pointing fingers here.

On June 30, 2023, Findeisen released another video to YouTube, "Logan Paul's Scam Isn't Over," and Paul hit him with a libel per se allegation once again. This is essentially the same as above, with updated claims such as Findeisen's naming of CryptoZoo users as "Paul's victims," and the insinuation of Paul's guilt throughout the June 30 video expose.

Again, the plaintiff's claims here are essentially a reiteration of what is stated above, with Paul claiming Findeisen knew he was promoting false claims in his videos and the latter pointing out that despite Prime's multimillion dollar success, none of Paul's fans had been reimbursed thus far. Paul claims the beef could be squashed if Findeisen reached out to him instead of getting with his manager, while Findeisen says he tried and was met with Paul's criminal defense counsel instead.

The next post will be a continued explanation of this suit, starting with a total breakdown of what Paul's lawyer, Jeffrey Neiman, had to say in response to Findeisen's attempted contact. Important to not here, though, is Neiman "regularly defends individuals and corporations in white collar criminal litigations."

Check back for part three soon. What do you think of this case so far, though? Do you think the defamation allegations are accurate? Whose side are you on? Let me know all your thoughts!

[shiningdesignersreflections]

Chapter 5: Prophecies and Expectations

Narrated by Erinka.

Narrator: That ball with the falling snow and the hymns was actually a very long time ago. It was the last December Ball, after all.

Narrator: The next year, the magic stones were lost, Erika and I had a big fight, and the two castles were separated.

Narrator: I issued a ban that anyone from White Castle be thrown into the river, and anything with "White" in its name under scrutiny.

Narrator: Seems that the head of the White Hosiery had come many times, but my loyal soldiers stopped him every time.

Narrator: Luckily, I'd arrived at the qualifier early to prevent this trustworthy leader from being wronged again.

Narrator: He is still fighting the deer for the program. The deer deftly turns to avoid him, leans to my side, and touches my hand.

Narrator: There is an extra crescent hoof print on the list it holds which means that it likes the song.

Narrator: I glance it it. "Serenade of Two Castles," "Moonlight Under a Poem," "Before the Snow Melts"... They are all elegant songs.

Narrator: After all, back then, I planned to open with a special performance for Erika each Starsnow and let her dance with me.

Narrator: With my signal, the troupe begins dancing. Music plays, and they slide onto the dance floor one by one, following the music.

Narrator: Their skirts move up and down like fluttering snow. They slowly blur into the Starsnow Eve in my memory.

Erinka: Why do I always spend Starsnow this way? She hasn't replied to my letters for so long. Does she even remember what I said?

Narrator: The first piece is finished before I know it, and the head of the White Hosiery stands aside, nervously watching my expression.

Erinka: Who allowed them to perform in white costumes? Is this supposed to remind me of that annoying Erika?

Narrator: But...

Narrator: I raise my hand and snap my fingers. The servant of the void takes the list from me and opens it in front of everyone.

Narrator: The opening of any great ball can't be set in stone. After many years of passionate dance music, it is time for a change.

Erinka: Subjects, the winners of December Ball qualifier number 1224 are here. This year, the White Hosiery Dance Troupe will perform our opening number!

White Hosiery Troupe Leader: Thank you, thank you, Your Majesty! We must...

Erinka: But now! Go change your costumes right away!

Erinka: White may be in your name, but that doesn't mean you can wear white in Red Castle. Actually, you must change your name.

Erinka: Until the Queen officially gives you a new name, you will henceforth be called, the Beard Troupe!

Narrator: The head of the White Hosiery... No, the Beard. I snap my fingers, and the servant of the void pours two glasses of wine for me and the head.

Narrator: I take the lead and raise my glass.

Erinka: I hope their performance this Starsnow Eve will be just as good as it was at the last December Ball!

Choose "Are you thinking about Erika?"

You: Do you miss the ball you attended with Erika before you announced their victory?

Narrator: What could I miss about my annoying little sister? I'm just tired of watching the same dances over and over!

Narrator: But if she were willing to apologize, I wouldn't mind letting her visit me like she did last time.

Narrator: The qualifier is over, but the dancers are still excited. Cheerful music blares again, and the dancers and the head of the Beard Troupe crowd on the dance floor.

Narrator: Finally, it is all over. I walk through the dancers and return to my chamber. The servant of the void follows closely with the program.

Narrator: A half-finished letter is out on the table. I sign and fold it, put it in an envelope before placing it in the deer's bag.

Narrator: The deer obediently places its head in my palm, lightly nuzzles it, turns, and walks out onto the terrace...

Erinka: Why are you still here, my lovely little deer? Why are you still looking at the list my servant of the void is holding?

Erinka: I see. You wish to bring the list to that snotty Erika? Well, the generous Queen of Red Castle can grant your wish.

Choose either "Don't think that's what the deer meant" or "The deer seems to like the White Queen very much, too."

If "don't think," ...

You: Why do I get the feeling that the deer clearly didn't mean that, and you're the one who wants that?

Narrator: Although the deer doesn't show it, the Queen of Red Castle is an empath, and she understands what it was thinking.

If "seems like," ...

You: The deer also seems to like the White Queen a lot, and it must have wanted her to join the ball, too.

Narrator: Huh, who let Erika tempt it with cookies all the time? Wait. What do you mean, "too"?

--

Narrator: The deer turns and blinks suspiciously. I snap my fingers and the servant of the void stuffs the list into the deer's bag.

Erinka: Okay, go ahead and let her see how wonderfully arranged the December Ball will be!

Narrator: The deer wags its tail and flies away. I walk onto the terrace and sigh as I watch its shadow grow smaller in the sky.

Narrator: After last year's ball, Erika and I went to watch the colorful lights for a while. She looked very gentle beneath those lights.

Narrator: She wasn't like how she is now... never replying or apologizing. She's petty!

Narrator: What is she thinking? Even though I've always forgiven her every time we fight, I can only be tolerant of this for so long!

Narrator: She likes to waltz. And she's my sister, so I've chosen a waltz for the opening song. As long as she comes and apologizes...

Narrator: Wait, I didn't mention an apology in the letter I just sent! And I was too casual. I have to let her know how serious this is!

Narrator: I anxiously walk across the terrace, snap my red dancing fan closed, return to my desk, and begin to write...

Narrator: "To Erika, who fails to appreciate my kindness..."

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

[elizabethplaid]

daily notes - overview of oct 5, 2023

omfg, I'm so tired. Like, we got home before 4pm, and I've been resting these last few hours. It was cool but humid, and I was just a sweaty mess when I got home. Hopped in the shower, then laid on my bed in front of the fan, and caught up on my web comic reading.

This will be the text overview of everything we did. When I get other posts up with images, I will edit and link to those.

First, we stopped by the local bakery I had mentioned on Monday. They probably had less-than-half of their inventory left. I got the very last blueberry-almond "scone", a couple other cookies for me, and some bits for LL-K. (K couldn't make the trip today, because she's busy with work.)

Second, we visited Rooster Brother, a store for cooks and those who love them, as they say. Lots of fun kitchen items, though they were more pricey than I'd prefer. Fun things, but nothing that screamed "must buy!". I did browse some chopsticks, though I was torn between using them as hair sticks or as chopsticks. (One was more decorative, but the other was cute enough for either use.)

There was a whole display of mushroom-themed items, too. The opposite side of that display had other woodland creatures, including deer and owls. They had the very same glass xmas ornament that @vintage-tech once sent me, several years ago - a little fawn, curled up and sleeping.

Next, we visited Riverside Cafe in Ellsworth for lunch. Very tasty, but neither of us could finish everything. (I only had fries left, but LL-J had 1-4th of her sandwich and fries leftover.) The music playlist was very good, though slightly biased towards my high school years. I can only remember 5 of the songs

Jack Johnson - "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing"

Weezer - "Island in the Sun"

Counting Crows - "Long December"

Blues Traveler - "Runaround"

Counting Crows - "Round Here" (I think? It was another CC song, at least)

It was tough to hear the music, so I'm sure there were other songs playing, and I just didn't catch them.

We walked down the road, ducking in The Dream Catcher antique shop next. Lots of pretty visuals, though the aisles were crowded and some display cases didn't show prices well. (There was such cool jewelry!) Because it was a cold and humid day, and they left the doors open, we felt very uncomfortable in that stuffy place. Both of us were tired, so we decided to call it quits when we saw there were another 2 floors to the place.

I bought 3 small dolls and a snake-shaped pendant. They're all cheaply made items, with discoloring and no easy way to remove the clothes. One is an Irish (I assume) souveneir doll, who came with a stand - $12. Then I found a dandy, dapper Rococo man. A little more digging, and I found his lady. Both have sleep eyes and painted feet/legs. They didn't have tags, so the clerk said $10 for the pair. Fine by me!

The snake pendant was $1. It's shape to curl around a marble or gem stone, and even has prongs to help hold it in place. It was empty, found in a dish of tiny pewter figures glued to flattened marbles. So so soooo tiny!

When we left, we both felt awful and tired. We visited a kids' book-and-toy store very quickly, didn't buy anything, then browsed the store windows of some other shops. The two I liked both looked very elaborate and fun. We'll hit one of those first on our next trip, when I have more energy again.

From there, we went to LL Bean's outlet store. They had a big sale on women's pants, so I grabbed a couple pairs. One's like... lounge or athletic wear? The other seemed like casual drawstring pants. I can't describe the texture. Omg, the textures for most of the pants were so bad in that section. So 60% off, I only paid about $35 after taxes for 2 pairs, yay.

Hit up Dunkin's drive-thru on the way out of town. LL-J now knows the glory of the "frozen hot chocolate" - basically a chocolate milk slushy.

We stopped by LL-K's house once we got back in town, to drop off the cookies. She gave me 2 containers of chicken stock that she had made. A couple weeks ago, she had asked where she could find chicken feet, so I helped source some from Neighbor-J and -S's chickens. (They were the couple that ran a general store for a few years. S used to sew cloth diapers as a business, too.) ----------

I hopped in the shower once I got home. Very very tired. Laid in front of the fan for a couple hours, and now I've been typing for like 20 minutes. We left at 10:15am and got home before 4pm. If the weather wasn't so clammy, I think we would've done far better. BUT I still did very good, considering how cheerful and happy this day has been.

Will work on posting photos in multiple posts next. Some stuff at the antique store is worthy of shiftythrifting, but some is not. One item is even from the "we see this too often, so don't submit it anymore" list. My first time seeing one in the wild!

[brzatto]

Hello! I'm the person who wrote the dissertation-length comment on chapter 2 of BCM. My essay of a comment probably speaks for itself but I really love your writing. I'm still thinking about your fic over a week later and reread your reply to my comment over and over. It took me a full evening to read chapter 2 because I would read a part, sit and think about it, then move to the next part. Even though the chapter was so long I was scared with each paragraph that it was going to end, I didn't want to stop reading. The ending was really satisfying, if the fic ended there it would be a lovely ending, but like I said in my original comment I'm so happy there's more to come. The ominous reply from you saying you might scrap what you've written and rewrite the ending nudged me to message you. I really hope you don't scrap what you've written so far! Even if it's not the direction you want the fic to go now, I think everyone would love to see the alternate ending if you're happy to share it in the event you don't use it for the fic. Kind of a "BCM 0.5" if you will. Everyone is begging for the porny carmrich writing so thought I'd throw my hat in the ring and beg for the alt. ending of BCM. xD

Also thank you for leaving such a long reply to my comment! I really liked hearing your thoughts about Carmy and Richie and would love to hear more about your writing process. Your fic was the first The Bear fic I ever read and it hasn't left my mind since I first read it back in December last year.

Sorry for another really long message I can't seem to stop typing once I start. xD

(p.s. you should post the carmrich pwp huhuhuhuhu)

of course i remember you! i always remember repeat commenters and i distinctly remember being at work when i got the email for the first comment you left me on bcm, it was a really lovely comment and it made my entire night.

i say this often to a lot of commenters but it really does mean so much to me that you enjoy my writing and it has that sort of effect on you!!! like more than you’ll ever know. i can count the number of times i��ve actually published works on ao3 on two hands and i’ve always gravitated towards rarepairs with nicher audiences in almost every fandom i’ve been in so the type of enthusiasm i’ve received so far with bcm is really genuinely touching. i always try my best to reciprocate the energy given to me in the comments i get but longer ones make me especially happy because i loooove discussing character analysis and dynamics with people and i’m always eager to know how other people interpret my characters and my writing! thanks for how much thought you put into all of your comments, i always look forward to reading what you have to say <3

as for the ending of bcm i don’t actually think i’ll fully be scrapping it, it’ll still end the same general way that i had in mind but i’ll probably end up rewriting/reworking it because a big chunk of the fic leading up to it is still unwritten and by the time i actually get close to the ending it probably won’t make much sense as it is currently word for word. i don’t normally write in chronological order, i write scenes out as they come to me (i usually envision climactic scenes very visually in my head and then write them out first lol) and then fill in the gaps/flesh out the storyline as i go. but since i got the idea for this fic and planned it out back before s2 came out and now s2 is out and canon’s been vastly expanded i’ll probably end up also borrowing some elements from s2 for my own storyline purposes just because if i’m being fully honest… i actually can’t tell you what ch3 of bcm and onwards is going to be like. i have vague notions of major plot points and the direction i want the story to take and fragments of later scenes in my docs but even as it stands now uncompleted bcm is the longest thing i’ve ever written (it’s 49k on ao3 and 60k in my docs) like… ever. i’m not used to finishing fics at all much less writing long fics (if bcm would count as one) so this is all very much new territory for me but everyone’s support and encouraging really helps keep me engaged and on track! including yours 🤍 in the event that the ending does drastically depart from what i’ve originally envisioned for it i probably will upload the alt ending separately. i’ve also sort of toyed with the idea of writing some scenes out from richie’s pov but if anything that’ll be something that comes much much later.

[aestherians]

I'm Ben, But Call Me Poppy

Preface: I would like for this essay to not just be an exploration of my own fictionkinity (though that is its main purpose) but also an introduction to the fictionkind experience in general, and to the experience of parallel lives. Of course, I am just one person and none of my experiences can be universal, but I nonetheless hope they can shed some light on fictionkinity and lead to further understanding and tolerance of these identities. And I hope it will lead to parallel lives becoming a more widely known and understood phenomenon. Feedback is greatly appreciated.

Word count: 4479

Estimated reading time: 20-25 minutes

On the 6th of December 2019 I had a weird dream. I was standing on the edge of a cliff. The wind played with my hair, long grass tickled my ankles, and high above, seabirds called out to each other. As I looked to the sky, a being made of blinding white light appeared before me. She was beautiful and graceful and older than time itself. She gently took my hand and pointed towards the horizon. My eyes followed her finger and the sky itself tore apart to reveal an inky black nothingness. But as I looked, little specks of something began to appear. Dots and lines, swirls and stars, and colors I'd never seen before. I understood then that this primordial being was showing me the beginning of this universe. And as I stared in awe, she turned to look down at me, and she told me... that I was Ben 1O fictionkind.

I don't think I've ever been as confused as I was that morning. It felt like I was still dreaming as I went through my routine, like at any moment I might wake up again. All the while, my reflection puzzled me. It was the same face I've seen every day for two decades, and yet today it just felt... wrong. I was supposed to have a human face. This wasn't the species dysphoria I'd gotten so used to. And I knew exactly which human face I was expecting to see in the mirror - it just seemed too ridiculous for me to accept.

My cameo shifts have rarely, if ever, lasted more than a few hours, and at this point they'd never been of specific characters. Sure, I had my weird relationship with Emily Jones from the now-forgotten Le//go Elv//es franchise, where I feel like I once was her but now aren't. But I never expected to see her face in the mirror. I never felt confused when I woke up in Copenhagen instead of Elven//dale. Feeling this way about Benjamin Kirby T//ennyson, of all characters, when I hadn't even watched the whole show, was weird and, for some reason, embarrassing. And it just refused to go away. In total the shift lasted around 5 days. I went to classes feeling like this guy. Grocery shopping. Hung out with my dorm buddies. I went to a Christmas market with my mom, all the while distracted because I couldn't shake the feeling that, somehow, in some way, I was a fictional character from a 2005 Cartoon Network cash cow.

It didn't come completely out of the blue. Three things were happening here that probably led to this: 1) I was binging Ben 1O with my dormmate. We hadn't finished the show yet, but we'd worked our way through almost 200 episodes, so we were in deep. 2) I'd just broken it off with a girlfriend of one year. She was extremely supportive of my alterhumanity – even read a 100 page study by Devin Proctor to understand the community – so our break-up had nothing to do with that. We just realized we needed different things from a relationship. But still, it was a huge stress factor and, despite my friends' love and support, I was struggling to cope. And 3) it was finals season. The less said about that, the better. I guess what happened is that my brain latched onto one of the few simple joys I had in my life and somehow began creating an identity around that to... cope...? I guess...?

Listen, I don't know how it happened and I can only make guesses as to why. Regardless of what caused it, the effect was undeniable. After the 5 day long shift subsided, I still had a nugget of "Ben" somewhere within me that I couldn't (and, in hindsight, didn't want to) get rid of. I was ready to make a kinfirmation announcement right then and there. But, as is customary, I held off for a couple of weeks. I think my plan was to wait 3 months, but by the end of January, I made my announcement in the most gutless way possible: With a text post that read "It's okay to have 'cringy' kintypes," in the tags of which I explained that I'd kinfirmed my Ben 1O fictotype. I was still dealing with a lot of internalized shame about, not just being fictionkind, but having such a childish source material.

And yet... there was something exhilarating about it. Though my initial Ben-related feelings appeared on their own, and I felt annoyed and conflicted about them, I clearly remember reinforcing them. The socially aware side of my brain resisted – having an identity like this would be weird, it would be frowned upon, it would make it even more difficult for me to communicate who and what I am than it already is – while the self-aware side of my brain was very much in favor of forming the identity – for some reason it just felt good to experience all these fictionkin traits. More accurately, it felt right. For reasons I can't explain, I didn't want it to end. I wanted more.

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The envisage shifts (where you appear a certain way in your mind/inner world, and where you perhaps expect to look that way in the mirror) weren't the only 'kin trait that was apparent from the start. They were just the most striking and the easiest to get others to understand. No, the most pervasive trait had to be the "parallel life flashes." I'm not sure what else to call them. They felt different from daydreams, somehow. More spontaneous and out of my control. And a lot more tangible. They've since become one of the hallmarks of my fictionkinity. They present themselves as flashbacks: For a less than a second, it'll feel like I'm "back" to living my life as Ben, then before I can fully grasp what happened it's over. Like an out-of-body experience (or, rather, an into-my-mindscape experience, since I believe all of this originates in my own psyche). I always get the sense that these flashes are somehow current, as opposed to being past or future. Perhaps because of their dream-like qualities, I often "just know" many details of what's going on in these flashes, just like I knew the alien in my awakening dream was older than time, despite her not telling me. Dreams (nightly or daily) are just like that. I just know that my life as Ben is happening parallel to my life as Poppy.

When talking to others (especially non-kin who can't be bothered to sit through 100 pages of Devin Proctor) I do tend to describe it as a daydream scenario, despite how different it feels from regular daydreams. The flashes tend to have dream-like qualities. And it's easier to say "in my go-to daydream scenario I'm a space traveler, which is a big part of my personality" than "I feel like I'm literally living a parallel life as Ben 1O and this affects my very sense of self." I suppose a big part of it is also the embarrassment I mentioned earlier - notice I vaguely called myself a space traveler instead of mentioning my fictotype by name. Ease of communication is part of it, but, undeniably, so is the masking of my true self to give a more appealing first impression. It's blatant self-suppression.

But – perhaps like Ben T//ennyson himself – wearing masks is what I do. It's what I've done since I was 1O. I craft identities for different scenarios and just flip the switch (or hit the watch) when necessary. I've learned how to contain the autism creature within, to appear normal when necessary, and I've learned how to to blend in with the background. Self-suppression has been vital to me, even if it's frustrating to have to do.

What I'm getting at is that, though this awakening was unexpected, it wasn't out of character for me. And in hindsight there really are a lot of things in my life that, combined, seem to have led to this.

Before I go into further detail, I feel like a disclaimer is in order: My upbringing wasn't abusive, but that doesn't mean it was perfect. I was raised by a single mother who gave most of her attention to my older brother due to various difficulties he had. I don't know if I blame her for the issues I have. It doesn't feel right to place blame on other struggling people, but I can't blame everything on circumstance either. I don't think anyone comes out of childhood unscathed. Generations of trauma have been built up and, even if our parents treat us better than they were treated, they're still marked by their own childhoods, which will reflect in their parenting. My upbringing was a million times better than my own mom's and she worked hard to accomplish that. That said... I can draw a very clear parallel between my childhood experiences and my current identity: I had to be the "good child" to make up for my brother's issues, I had to carry part of my mom's stress, and I couldn't let out my own frustrations, lest my mom become even more stressed. In my parallel life I'm dealing with the same problems, but magnified to a scale where they're actually taken seriously. Instead of carrying the weight of a parent, I carry the weight of the world. I become less of a person and more of a symbol for others to look towards, whether for support, reassurance, or something else. In that sense, it doesn't seem unlikely that my fictionkinity is some kind of subconscious coping mechanism. Though I have to add, I only became aware fully aware of how this passive emotional neglect had affected me – how this is the reason I can't ask for help and constantly take on bigger burdens than I should – several months after my awakening, and even then only after some really intense self-analysis.

I've been trying to come up with more reasons I happened to awaken as Ben 1O, of all characters, but it all feels so... fabricated. I was obsessed with ufology as a kid and this character is involved with aliens. But I was obsessed with ancient Egypt and with horses too, why didn't I awaken as Tutankhamun or Black Beauty? I religiously watched Ben 1O every time I visited my grandparents, who had cable tv, but I watched Da//nny Pha//ntom with the same intensity. I don't think there really is a perfect recipe for what causes a fictionkind identity. All these attempts at rationalizing it are probably a distraction – [which I've spoken about at length before]. But it's hard to really internalize the idea that 'kinity is about what you are, when you've been "gifted" with a human brain that relentlessly asks why, why, why. It's hard to look at the cold hard facts when your mind keeps wandering to theories and hypotheses.

And in all this, you forget to even examine what cold hard facts you know.

What are the cold hard facts?

Facts...

My name is [redacted]. I go by Poppy online. At this point it might as well be my name. And recently I've felt an urge to call myself Ben. When I close my eyes and try to picture myself, the image is ever changing. Sometimes I see a bipedal bison. Sometimes a gnoll. Often a mix of the two. And sometimes I see a young man with brown hair, green eyes, and a watch-like device stuck to his arm. Then I open my eyes, look in the mirror, and see something entirely different. Lighter hair, eyes more hazel than green, and something that decidedly doesn't look like a man. Or a bison or gnoll, for that matter.

I have daydream scenarios I keep returning to – stories I want to tell, the garden I wish I had, scientific advancements I dream of achieving, fanfics I'll never write. And then I have these scenarios that share many qualia with daydreams, but are altogether different. In these scenarios, I am a different person. I am living a different life, surrounded by different people, making different choices, subjected to different trials. I have two of these lives: One in which I'm a gnoll named Ɐwhrayɐ and one in which I'm a man named Ben. I did not set out to create these lives. I can't purposefully change what's happening in them – even with my belief that it all has a psychological cause, something is preventing me from changing anything. And yet, I almost always know what my alternate selves are doing, right in this moment. I can't affect their actions, I can just be aware of them. And despite this apparent wall, separating my present self from them, in some way I feel - or perhaps rather I know - that I am them. It's like... I can't affect what my past self did or said either, but I still am raer. I am still roughly the same person I was yesterday, even if today I might have made different choices. My parallel/alternate selves work in a similar way, but separated by physicality instead of time.

I'm not consciously aware of every waking moment of my parallel selves. When I say I "know" what they're doing, it's less that their thoughts and actions are beamed into my brain 24/7, and more that I can at any moment sit down, breathe, let my mind go blank, and view their world through their eyes. Like I'm possessing their bodies (though, again, my present self is not in control – my alternate selves are). Even if I don't intend to, I often end up "possessing" them during quiet moments – when I'm about to fall asleep, when I'm in transit, when I'm cleaning, and so on. What happens during quiet moments is rarely a "full body possession," though. More often, I'll just experience the thoughts or feelings of my parallel selves (alongside my present-self thoughts or feelings) and have to parse it out. I can be vacuuming the floor, having a normal one, and then suddenly I'll be intimately aware the Ben!Me is bored or that Ɐwhrayɐ!Me is in danger. I then have to extrapolate as much information as possible from this quick flash (like a flashback, but current, not past... a flashsideways? flashadjacent? flashalong? Let's go with that). If the "flashalong" was accompanied by an image, which they often are, it's not too difficult to figure out what my alternate self is doing. If it's just an emotion and nothing else, I can try to piece it together with the other flashalongs I've had recently - if yesterday my parallel self got lost and today I sense despair, it's not too difficult to put two and two together and know that they haven't found their way out yet.

But Ben is different from Ɐwhrayɐ in one major way: He has source material. Though I've been aware of my life as Ben – my Ben fictotype – for much shorter than my life as Ɐwhrayɐ, I know a lot more about my Ben life. I have more noemata, more frequent flashalongs, and my memories of Ben's childhood are much clearer than my memories of Ɐwhrayɐ's childhood. This is undoubtedly because I can just watch an episode of any Ben 1O series and immediately become aware of new things in that life. Whereas Ɐwhrayɐ is more like an original character – rair origins are in tabletop RPGs, but I can't just open up a book and know rair life history. Which is not to say I can know Ben's entire history from just watching the show either. For starters, the show is a mess of time travel and retcons and alternate universes. Secondly: I'm not the Ben depicted on the show.

The Ben 1O cartoons (with the exception of the 2016 reboot) all follow one character who has been dubbed Ben Prime by the fandom. If we view time as a tree with different timelines branching off, Prime is the tree's trunk. We're shown other branches of the tree – No Watch Ben, Bad Ben, Ben 23, Benzarro, and so on – who are all Ben, no matter how differently their lives turned out compared to Prime's. What happens when I watch the show is either nothing (most common; I simply get no indication whether the episode I'm watching is part of my canon), divergence (uncommon; I don't necessarily know how the events happened but I know for sure they didn't happen like they're depicted), or recognition (rare; realizing that things happened pretty much like they're depicted). The most apparent difference between my own timeline and the Prime timeline is that I found the Omnitrix when I was 13 and that I didn't get a break in-between the events of the original series and Alien F//orce. My first 1O aliens were also different from those of Prime and included at least one alien that hasn't appeared on the show (yet). There are many more differences, but most of them are subtle: I still have a relationship with Kai, but it's aromantic. I'm still friends with Rook, but we argue a lot. Azmuth is still the creator of the watch, but I have a sort of coworker relationship with him, more than a mentor/student relationship. And speaking of the watch, the Omnitrix is completely fused to me. My mind has affected its AI and its AI has affected my mind. We function more like a median system than two separate entities. We aren't ourselves without each other. I suppose my true fictotype is the fusion of Ben and the Omnitrix, rather than just Ben T//ennyson. [Here's something I wrote about it not too long ago.] As far as I'm aware, this also isn't a part of the Prime canon.

But this essay isn't supposed to just be about my canon. I'll have plenty of other opportunities to explore that. These pages are devoted to just exploring what it means to me to be fictionkind.

I've already mentioned envisage shifts and "possession" shifts (not a name I'm fond of, but there's so little terminology to describe parallel life experiences, let's just go with that for now). I also frequently experience phantom shifts, where it feels like I'm still wearing the Omnitrix. Those are easy to handle, though. I just put on a bracelet or cuff so there's a physical correspondence to the phantom sensation and go about my day. I also get the occasional chest/bottom phantom sensations, but I can't tell if those are Ben-related since I already experienced them prior to my awakening (and it's a very important part of my beliefs and worldview that all my Ben-feelings only began to appear after my awakening). I also get dream shifts, but since my dreams are pure nonsense, all they tend to involve is me being in Ben's body while going through wacky dream scenarios. If I'm making these shifts sound mundane, it's because they are. At least in comparison the envisage shifts and... by far the strangest and most disorienting shifts I've experienced: The mental shifts. In a mild mental shift I'll just take on a few mannerisms of the character, which can include anything from a chiller/more confident mood, to an inclination to play fighting games instead of my usual RPGs, to an urge to help others more than I'd usually do. Make the shift a bit stronger and I might want to go by Ben's name instead of my own or dress in clothes more similar to his. Turn it up even more, though, and we enter the weird territory. Something more akin to a berserker shift than a mental shift, using therian terminology. I've only experienced this once and it can't have lasted more than 5 seconds, but for those seconds I was fully convinced that I was Ben and I couldn't understand why I was in this foreign body and place. I've taken to calling it an "eclipse shift," since "berserker shift" implies a rabid or feral state of mind, which is not something you can really apply to a human(ish) fictotype, and the shift essentially involves my fictotype's state of mind eclipsing my regular state of mind. Here are some of the discussions we had in the community surrounding it: [link] [link] [link].

My fictionkinity is mainly marked by the aforementioned shifts and "flashalongs," but another trait (perhaps something that exists as a result of those two?) is dysphoria and euphoria. Typically when people think of dys-/euphoria, they think of it as something bodily. And I can't argue that that's not a thing for me too. I'm bigender and genderfluid, which in my case means that I have one static baseline gender identity (female hyena) and one fluid gender, which is most often bison bull, but can be anything – including Just Some Guy, which is basically Ben's gender identity. And when I feel like Just Some Guy, I, of course, experience dysphoria about my very feminine appearance. But that's a thankfully rare thing.

No, most of my Ben-related dysphoria is caused by the restrictions of my present body and mind. Did you know the nearly all versions of Ben T//ennyson have eidetic memory? Or that they have an inherent ability to understand astrophysics? Or that they're adept at half a dozen different fighting styles? I've got none of that. Sure, I could practice memory improvement techniques. I could learn the basics of astrophysics. I could take up martial arts. But every time I've tried, my own frustrations about being a beginner have prevented me from practicing. It's not that I'm a perfectionist and think I should be instantly good at every new skill. I've sucked (or still suck) at a lot of stuff that I do every day – singing, plant care, video games, you name it – but it's not an issue. As the saying goes, sucking at something is the first step to being sorta good at something. But with the talents Ben has... it feels less like learning a new skill and more like having to relearn something I used to be great at. With those subjects, it's like I loose my ability to understand or rationalize why I still suck, so instead of pushing on, I drop it all in frustration. I had just enough patience to understand the surface cause of gravitational time dilation, but once the lectures turned to the theory of relativity, I lost it. I've begrudgingly concluded that my present brain isn't built for that stuff. Until I develop a natural understanding of quantum mechanics, like I'm supposed to have, I'll just stick to my not-Ben-related studies in entomology.

Another thing I struggle with is the limitations of my present body. I feel like it's literally weighing me down. In my Ben life, my body is a construct of the Omnitrix that can be modified, dismantled, and recreated at any time. My consciousness isn't connected to my body; everything that's "me" is stored within the Omnitrix. My body is just a temporary vessel we – the watch and I – have created to interact with the world. It is possible to "upload" my consciousness to the body and for the Omnitrix to completely detach itself, but it's only been done a handful of times and only in life or death situations. And from what I can pericall it's deeply uncomfortably. Only with the Omnitrix gone do I notice how heavy the human body is. Without the watch I feel slow and sluggish and weak. And, in my present life, being able to pericall how I'm supposed to feel – lighter, quicker, stronger – and being unable to do anything about it because nothing can get rid of the heaviness of this body... it's exhausting. It's maddening. And it's not just the heaviness, its staticness is driving me crazy too. I'm meant to be a shapeshifter, and not just in my Ben life, but in my Ɐwhrayɐ life too. Whether due to the Omnitrix happening to attach itself to me, or because I was born with druid powers, I'm a shapeshifter in 2/3 of my lives. And to primarily exist in the life where I'm not a shapeshifter is torture.

But I have to live here. In the present world. I can't spend my life wishing I existed somewhere else. I have to be present; I have to make this life as good as it can be. Anything else would be wasteful. I can't fully get rid of the uncomfortableness of belonging to another world, but I can make this world more comfortable. Make it more like the world I belong in.

Part of me is grateful to have awakened as a character who is, in many ways, just incredibly mundane. The hero archetype is an exaggerated version of a trait I believe everyone is born with: A basic desire to help. Though his circumstances are extraordinary, Ben's motivations could not be more ordinary. So while there is some kind of disconnect between my present life and my Ben life, like our bodies and abilities and relationships, the melding of our minds has been quite harmonic. I feel like this awakening has helped me actualize some desires I already had by turning them into outright urges, and by dialing them up to 100. So, for example, instead of just giving money to the unhoused, I strike up a conversation with them now because it's what he/I/we're supposed to do. Helping my dormmate dry her dishes before she's even asked me to. Always asking others what I can do to help. And it doesn't just extend to people. I find myself, more often than I used to, helping a snail across the road or giving a neglected plant a second chance at life. Taking that extra step is slowly becoming second nature in a lot of my daily interactions. And I find that I do good more for goodness sake, where, in the past, I might've been prone to humble-bragging. (And it pains me to talk about my "good deeds" right now because it actually makes me really embarrassed to get attention for something I feel is the bare minimum of human decency). My awakening wasn't a total life changer. But it did reinforce my desire to be a helper and a caretaker.. a supporting character, I guess you could say. And it instilled in me an idealistic and unwavering belief that people are overall good, despite everything. That pain and suffering are accidents and that kindness is intentional.

I'm Ben. I carry that with me for the foreseeable future – possibly until I die. But I'm also Ɐwhrayɐ. And, most importantly, I'm Poppy. I'm multifaceted, like every other person on Earth. One of my facets just happens to be a fictional character.

[letsbeoutoftouch]

Back in December 2016, during a sleepover, my friends and I decided to watch EXO's Chanyeol's most recent movie, "So I Married an Anti-Fan". It effortlessly became one of my favourite movies, so much so that I rewatch it —at least— once a year.

Therefore, when it was first announced that South Korea was going to produce a drama based on the same story, I was thrilled. The feeling only increased when I found out that the male lead was Choi Tae-Joon, whom I loved because of Suspicious Partner. Later (to be more precise, this year), I discovered that the other lead was the one and only Sooyoung from SNSD!

The drama was filmed back in 2018, and it was supposed to air a loooot sooner, but it had a few problems and it finally came out this year. Since I don't like waiting for episodes to come out each week, I waited until it finished airing to watch it... And, today, I finished it!

So, here's my review, fresh out the oven!

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So I Married an Anti-Fan is a 2021 South Korean drama, featuring Choi Tae-Joon, Choi Sooyoung, Hwang Chansung and Han Ji-Ahn. It's based on the novel "그래서 나는 안티팬과 결혼했다" (So I Married an Anti-Fan), written by Kim Eun Jun and published in 2010.

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♡ PLOT:

The story revolves around Hoo Joon (Tae-Joon), a well-known idol, and Geun Young (Sooyoung), a magazine reporter. They meet during an event, where a series of misunderstandings leads them to have a bad impression of each other.

For this reason, when Geun Young loses her job, she's under the impression that it was Hoo Joon's doing and is therefore keen on "reveal" Joon's real character. However, her retaliation backfires, and she attracts a lot of attention as his "anti-fan".

Later, a TV producer approaches them both to star in a reality show. Geun Young and Hoo Joon accept and think to give each other a hard time on set. But, as time goes by, they get to know each other better and better.

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♡ EPISODES:

It's made up of 16 episodes, running for an hour each (i.e., your typical k-drama).

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♡ CHARACTERS:

-Geun Young (FL): She's the best character, hands down (I swear I'm not being biased because I love Sooyoung).

For some reason, I've seen a lot of bad comments about this character. I don't truly understand why some people said that she didn't stand up for herself or that she was so-so, when she dealt really well with everything that had happened to her. I'd like to see all those people in her shoes—I bet they'd have cracked up quickly.

Also, she's like the least toxic character I've ever come across in a drama. She waits patiently for Joon to deal with his problems and doesn't jump to conclusions regarding his relationship with In Hyeong and Jae Joon. She lets him do his thing, is an independent woman, and tries to be as little of a burden as she can to the people she cares about. So, props to her!

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-Hoo Joon (ML): Although I overall liked his character, I admit that if I hadn't previously watched the movie, I'd probably be wary of him at the beginning. But, don't worry: as the story progresses, you get to know him better. He's patient and thinks of other people's feelings and well-being a lot (sometimes, a little too much for his own good, but he's a good boy).

I felt the need to include that there was this one scene where he acts... In a way that I didn't find appealing. Fortunately, he isn't like that all throughout the drama. Also, he isn't toxic like a lot of the male leads in drama-land. If you're wondering which scene I'm referring to, here's a spoiler: *SPOILER ALERT* When he and Geun Young start dating, they are requested to film an advertisement together. In the filming, he acts all "jealous" because the dress she was wearing was too short for his liking. I'm sorry, but she's the only one who has a say on how short a dress she's wearing is—not you, not even if you're her partner *END OF SPOILER ALERT*.

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-JJ/Jae Joon (SML): Jae Joon is the second male lead, and he was portrayed by 2PM's Chansung.

I'm sorry, but I never could come to terms with this character, not even during the last episodes. If the writers' intention was for me to hate him, they (and Chansung's acting) totally achieved that purpose.

He is incredibly selfish and keeps this attitude up to episode 13/14. Towards the ending, the story tries that the audience feels some sympathy towards him—it is shown why he acted the way he did. Nevertheless, in my opinion, while his past may explain his actions, it doesn't justify any of them. That's why I couldn't bring myself to feel sympathetic or empathetic towards him. *SPOILER ALERT* In fact, I think Hoo Joon was too nice to be there for him in the last two or three episodes. *END OF SPOILER ALERT*

He's also outright abusive. *SPOILER ALERT* I mean, he slapped In Hyeong and broke her laptop ¿?... Even though I didn't like her that much, nothing justifies that kind of violent behaviour. *END OF SPOILER ALERT*

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-In Hyeong (SFL): She's the second female lead, portrayed by actress Han Ji-Ahn.

Oh, man. I had a hard time trying to wrap my head around this character. I was just going to say that I couldn't stand her because she was always purposely putting a spanner in the works, making everyone's life difficult.

However, as I was drafting this review, I began reflecting on the character and felt sympathy for her. She was in a vulnerable place—leaving aside that she felt abandoned by her first love, she had trouble trying to make her career take off, and she was in a really abusive relationship. It could be argued that JJ and In Hyeon were both toxic to each other, but it was clear that he was the one with the upper hand (he was the CEO of her new agency, which brings a real disbalance of power).

Moreover, it was hinted several times that all she went through took a toll on her mental health (*SPOILER ALERT* she was always taking pills to calm down, and she freaking tried to kill herself!!!!!!! *END OF SPOILER ALERT*). I believe she needed professional help to put herself back together, so she could let go of her past and finally leave that abusive relationship.

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♡ COUPLES:

Since this drama mostly gravitates towards romantic relationships, I'm including this section.

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-Geun Young x Hoo Joon: They are your typical enemies to lovers.

In the beginning, their relationship was tainted by a lot of misunderstandings, which led them to hate each other's guts (but, where's the charm in a k-drama that isn't filled with misunderstandings, am I right?). Once they started to spend more time together, they began understanding each other better. In time, they were able to leave their pride aside and got rid of their prejudices (yes, the story gives Jane Austen-ish vibes, so much so that "Pride and Prejudice" is mentioned a few times).

Their chemistry was alright. I would have changed some parts of the script that made a lot of scenes to be super cringey—especially, before some of their kisses (like, what a way to ruin such an awaited moment!).

The thing I liked the most about them was that neither of them was toxic, and they knew how and when to give the other person space. They were sweet, but not unbearable sweet—just the exact amount.

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-In Hyeong x Jae Joon: I don't know if they can be considered a true couple, but I'm adding them here just to repeat that I HATED THEM TOGETHER.

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♡ SOME PERSONAL INTERPRETATIONS AND THOUGHTS:

For me, the story tries to show the two sides of the same coin: things that may seem completely different, but are essentially the same. You can see it with Hoo Joon/Geun Young, their friends, and even with Hoo Joon/Jae Joon. Of course, this could be argued—it is just my personal impression.

Also, while the drama condemns some of the toxic fan behaviour, it sometimes romanticises it. *SPOILER ALERT* one fan freaking kidnapped him, and everything was suddenly alright ¿¿ Nuh-uh *END OF SPOILER ALERT*

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♡ DRAMA VS. MOVIE:

As I mentioned above, there's a prior Chinese movie from 2016 that was based on this novel. It features EXO's Chanyeol, Yuan Shan Shan, SNSD's Seohyun, and Jian Chao.

For obvious reasons, the story is shrunk down in the movie. There are a lot of things that weren't included in the movie, other things were overly simplified, and some stuff was missing and/or changed.

If you want to have a good laugh, then I recommend you to watch the movie. It's filled with non-sensical comedy that, in my opinion, China excels at. However, if you are more inclined towards drama, then the South Korean version is the one for you (you'll laugh, too, don't worry).

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♡ SUMMARY:

This is, basically, a sweet enemies-to-lovers, famous-person-and-normal-person story. If you like any of those troupes, then you're in for a treat.

It's a really lighthearted story that will make you laugh. Don't expect a complicated plot because there won't be one. It's ideal to have a break from all those dramas where you can't miss a single detail because you'll get lost, or from those dramas which plots are so heavy they end up tiring your mind out.

I loved the cast, and their acting was great (especially Chansung's, because he made me hate his character with a passion, lmao).

ALSO, if you like Sung Hoon (My Secret Romance, Oh My Venus) like me, then WATCH THIS DRAMA, lol. He has a guest role in some episodes!

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So I Married an Anti-Fan is available on VIKI!

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If you read the whole review, thank you very much! I hope you liked it.

[fashournalist]

Conquering the Crown: Who Will Be The Next Miss Universe Philippines 2021?

Are you ready, Universe?

Tomorrow, the next Miss Universe Philippines will be crowned in Bohol, and I'd like to share my bets with you (as well as my thoughts on more candidates other than my Top 6. :)

But first, I have to admit I do have a bias for Cavite, Aklan, and Laguna because

1) Cavite is my birthplace and where I spent the first 16 years of my life;

2) Aklan is where my five dear brothers are from;

3) Laguna is where I spent seven eventful years as a UPLB student.

However, these biases aren't the sole reason I'm rooting for these representatives. I believe Victoria Velasquez Vincent, Leren Bautista, and Christelle Abello are really among the best candidates of this year's batch! VVV is actually my top one, followed by Katrina Dimaranan, Maureen Wroblewitz, and Ayn Bernos.

One of the smartest and most eloquent candidates of this batch, Victoria Velasquez Vincent from Cavite has emerged as the Interview Challenge winner, and rightly so. But she caught my attention even before that phase; her Runway Challenge was really impressive as well. As a heritage conservationist and architect, she's committed to solving environmental problems across the globe.

I really wish the winner would be a pure Filipino, but it so happened that VVV impressed me the most. She's half-Irish and half-Filipino, raised in New Zealand.

Now this one's a powerhouse. A pageant veteran, model, actress, and television host, I think (and thousands of others think, too) Katrina Dimaranan from Taguig is the most prepared of them all. She was appointed as USA's Miss Supranational 2018 and finished as 1st Runner Up at the world stage. She was also one of the title holders way back in Binibining Pilipinas 2012.

Kat's charming, authentic personality captivates anyone watching her or listening to her voice. You can see this through the way she nailed the challenges. And though she grew up in the US, she is a pure Filipina.

This woman needs no introduction--Maureen Wroblewitz, the winner of Asia's Next Top Model Season 5. Born in Saudi Arabia, she's a half-Filipina, half-German model and actress who is now representing Pangasinan as she fights for the crown. She has emerged as the Casting Challenge winner, but aside from that, all the results of the other challenges prove how excellent and enthralling she is as a model. Her intelligence can also be seen with every answer she delivers during Q&As.

The most inspiring candidate of all, Ayn Bernos of San Juan, proves that barriers can be broken and stereotypes can be shattered. Proudly standing at 5'3 with morena skin, Ayn represents the majority of Filipino people who are not influenced by foreign blood. I've closely followed her journey from the day she submitted her pageant application, and I'm so happy for her every step of the way. Her millions of followers on TikTok surely feel the same. We feel seen, we feel represented, we feel inspired to also reach for our dreams--no matter how impossible they may seem.

Ayn is a natural Filipina beauty, and she glowed further as she embarked on the road to the crown. Her wit, intelligence, and cheerful personality radiate in every appearance she makes, whether it's an interview or a commercial special by some of MUPH's sponsors.

With enchanting eyes, a driven attitude, and several beauty pageant titles under her belt, Leren Mae Bautista of Laguna is one of the most prepared candidates to represent the nation at the Miss Universe pageant this December.

I started knowing her through the tarpaulins in LB eight years ago. I was still in college, and Leren just won the crown of Miss Los Banos. She conquered the Binibining Laguna title as well. Since then, I knew this classic Filipina beauty and brain would one day captivate the world. Years later, she has placed as a 2nd Runner Up in Miss Globe 2019 and won in other pageants, too. Today, she's aiming for the universe and we all know she's ready.

Armed with an unstoppable grit, this dreamer put her life in the US on pause to once again fight for the crown of Miss Universe. Christelle Abello of Aklan has placed in the top 16 of last year's MUPH, and she has come back stronger this time around. Though she wasn't part of the Top 7 in the Interview Challenge, I think she's one of the most fluent and confident candidates.

Although she was born in America, she embodies the beauty of a real Filipina. I have to mention that I'm not a fan of her evening gown's design, but she still carried it well.

So there, now you know my Top 6! :) They've been my Top 6 for several weeks now, but this doesn't mean I'm not impressed by other candidates.

Michele Angela Okol of Siargao Island nailed the Preliminary Interviews! I haven't watched all the interviews since the KTX pass is just too expensive for me, but I was able to see a few on YouTube. And of them all, Michele's answers were the best. She was certain with her answers. Ingrid "Sam" Santamaria of Paranaque and Chela Grace Falconer of Misamis Oriental are some of the smartest and most fluent candidates as well. Sam placed second in the Interview Challenge.

The Filipina beauty of Janela Cuaton of Albay, Maria Corazon Abalos of Mandaluyong, Mirjan Hipolito of Angeles City, Simone Nadine Bornilla of Marinduque, and Princess Krista Singh of Pasig are some of the most outstanding in their batch. But I think the most outstanding beauty of all, is Jasmine Umali of Manila. She's like a living Mulan, or Barbie. And all these phenomenal women are smart and graceful, too!

Anyhow, if Gianne Asuncion of Cagayan Province wasn't diagnosed with COVID-19, for sure she would make it here and she'd be one of my bets. I hope she comes back next year, same with Maica Cabling Martinez of Nueva Ecija, who didn't make it in this year's Top 30.

You might be wondering why I haven't mentioned Steffi Rose Aberasturi of Cebu Province yet.

Honestly, I can't deny she's gorgeous from head to toe, well-prepared, talented, and confident, but I just cannot stomach supporting someone who supports Rodrigo Duterte. If she wins tomorrow, I will not bash her--I can see why she's one of the frontrunners--but I just cannot see myself rooting for her because of her political stance :( If she was not a DDS though, she would easily be one of my top bets, maybe my top 4 or top 5.

Steffi carries every outfit effortlessly, and her beauty can go from sweet and endearing to regal and fierce. I wish, before the national elections, her eyes would be opened to the atrocities of Duterte's war on drugs. (I also find Bea Luigi Gomez beautiful, but she said during the preliminary interview that the government is doing well. So, I'm afraid she might be a DDS, too. I hope not)

I know, people tell us to separate the pageant from political views, but the thing is, when a DDS gains more influence, they can influence voters to support Duterte, too. That's a real danger our country can no longer afford.

As for Kisses Delavin of Masbate, I'm inspired by her drive to pursue her dreams, not letting bashers stop her. But I just cannot see her wearing the crown, sorry :( I'm not a basher, I acknowledge she is beautiful, sweet, talented, kind, and smart. But I just don't see the fierce, palaban aura that we all need in a Miss Universe candidate. Never thought being baby-faced could be a disadvantage.

But anyway, if Ayn is slaying while breaking barriers and stereotypes, why can't Kisses, right? Kisses did well in every interview she handled. Although, I really didn't like her runway challenge where her hands were stuck on her waist. Good thing her walk improved in the swimsuit competition. Despite getting bashed and doubted, she fights with courage and passion, and that's something we can all learn from--whether we're part of Kissables or not.

Who will win tomorrow? I just can't wait to find out :)

I really wish I have the budget for a KTX pass so I could watch the coronation night in real-time. Sigh. That's 600 pesos! I'd rather spend it on samgyup. HAHA my love for food beats my love for pageants, even when I once dreamt to be Miss Universe myself lol.

How about you, guys? Who are your favorites? Who are your bets? Comment down below :) (wow youtube lang? haha)

Regardless of who wins, let's support her way to the crown. :) Go, proudly raise the Philippine flag, Miss Universe PH 2021!

PS. Photos came from Miss Universe Philippines' page, Philippine Star, and PeoPlaid. And I thank MS Paint because that's where I combined some of the photos haha.

[doyelikehaggis]

Twelve Days of Rarepairs: Scanny | Scott McCall x Danny Mahealani (Teen Wolf)

Requested by @childofsquidward

The collie laying on the table is patient and docile as Scott finishes slotting the cone into place around her neck. She just stares up at him with big eyes, nudging against his hand with her nose.

Laughing, Scott rubs her head. Her tail gives a little wiggle in response.

"You know, you're the only one I've seen who isn't bothered by this thing," he tells her, scratching behind her ear. 

She just gives a playful yip in response. 

The bell rings over the front door, alerting Scott to someone entering the animal clinic. Somewhat pointless considering he heard the heartbeat first. But Lola's ears immediately perk up, and her tail bangs against the table.

Scott grins at Danny when he appears in the doorway, holding two festive coffee cups.

"You've been missed," he says.

Lola's already standing on the table, barking fondly at Danny. He laughs, and moves towards her, fuelling her excitement.

"By which one of you?" Danny jokes.

Scott's eyes widen. He opens his mouth, but he falters, and Danny's already focused on Lola again anyway. Heat rushes to his face. He quickly tries to regain some composure. 

"Hey, girl! Oh, you look so good!" Danny coos. "Did Dr. McCall take good care of you?"

Scott tries to bite back a smile and fails. He's getting used to hearing his friends call him Dr. McCall, more as a joke, but something about the way Danny says it gives him this fluttering in his chest.

So, when he first saw him at the start of December, it was a surprise. He'd practically disappeared off the face of the earth for two years, and then suddenly he was back in town for the holidays, to see his family and friends. 

But not only that, Scott hadn't quite realized just how attractive Danny is. Was he always that good-looking while they were at school together? Of course he was, everyone knew it. But Scott hadn't exactly been out to himself at that point, so seeing Danny back from New Orleans, even more tanned, with even more defined muscles—yeah, Scott might get a little nervous whenever he sees him now.

And it doesn't help that they seem to be seeing more of each other now than they did while at school. They run into each other in town. When Scott went back to fill in for Coach while he was away towards the end of the year, Danny just kept showing up, saying he was visiting a teacher to discuss something (he is, after all, in computer programming now, so it makes some semblance of sense), and they'd talk out on the field. He bmped into him while bringing his mom lunch at the hospital. 

Scott even saw him while out with Lydia two weeks ago. He was catching up with Jackson, who was also back in town for the holidays, like everyone else. 

And now at work, too. The universe seems to be playing some joke on him. He doesn't mind all that much, for once. As long as this isn't going to lead to him finding out that Danny's actually been turned into a vampire, or has been possessed by some new, evil spirit.

"Thank you," Danny says, lifting his eyes to Scott. Of course, Scott's still the one looking up at him, because it would appear Danny has had another growth spurt as well as everything else. 

Scott realizes he isn't answering. Just gazing. He grins, and hastily tries to not be totally obvious.

"Just doing my job," he says with a shrug. 

Danny rolls his eyes. "Yeah, but I know for a fact that this clinic should have been shut for the rest of the holidays. So, thank you for seeing her anyway."

Scott hesitates at that. "Well… you're a friend. And I had to come in today anyway. And—" he looks down at Lola, who's settled back down on the table, and gives her head another rub "—I couldn't just leave this one stranded on Christmas Eve."

"We both thank you, then." Danny then holds out one of the coffee cups. "A gesture to prove it."

"God, thank you," Scott says, gratefully accepting the cup and taking a drink. "I haven't had anything all day. Or since last night. Including sleep. I might be running on three Mountain Dews and a kitkat."

Danny raises his eyebrows in disbelief. "That… can't be good for you."

Scott just shrugs again. He'll probably feel the effects later on today, since it's currently only one-thirty in the afternoon. As long as he makes it to four to head to the station to see Stiles, then he can head back home and have a nap. And maybe food.

"I didn't know the life of a vet was so demanding."

"It's the holidays," Scott explains, taking another drink before continuing. The gingerbread-cinnamon-whatever is in this latte is the best thing he's ever had right now. "Lots of people want their pets better before Christmas and New Year. A lot of strays get found with bad injuries. Currently I have—"

Barking starts up from the dog room in the back. Scott smiles, gesturing towards the door as Lola once again perks up.

"—them. Eight labrador puppies. They're under a year old. Deaton and I were trying to get them rehomed before the holidays, but it didn't work out. That's why I was coming in to work anyway, since Deaton's out of town."

"Never mind, your job is clearly far more demanding than I thought." Danny smiles, glances down at Lola, then pauses. "Do you need a hand with them at all? They sound pretty eager for attention."

"Yeah, I was gonna take them out for a walk once I was finished up here," Scott says.

Danny's grin widens. "You planned to walk eight hyperactive labrador puppies by yourself? In the snow?"

Scott just gives another shrug. "They're not too hard to handle once they're outside."

The look Danny is giving him only intensifies the fluttery feeling in his chest. It's like something's tickling him from the inside. He can feel the heat beneath his skin, in his cheeks.

"Guess that whole Alpha thing really does give you an advantage, huh," Danny says, a certain teasing twinkle in his eyes but his grin sincere.

Scott has barely gotten used to the idea of Danny knowing about the supernatural at all, never mind him making casual comments about it. And especially not while he's looking at him like that.

"I don't know if it's anything to do with that," Scott says, shaking his head. "But… sometimes, yeah. It comes in handy."

Danny nods. The puppies are still barking in the back, trying to get Scott's attention.

"Well, I think Lola could use a walk after being so good about this," Danny says. He looks at Scott, smiling. "Mind if we join you? I can be pretty good with dogs, might help to take a couple off your hands for an hour."

Scott's eyebrows raise in surprise, and his heartbeat raises itself as well. 

"You… but—" he frowns, his head tilting with a confused smile "—it's Christmas Eve. Don't you wanna get back to your family?"

"They won't miss me for a little while," Danny says, brushing it off. Then, because he seems to be catching on, he rolls his eyes, and says, "Please? You helped me with Lola when you clearly already had your hands full. I wanna do more than get you coffee."

Scott's heart drops into his stomach and lurches right back up. He swallows, and tries to keep his mind on one track, biting his lip. 

"Uh… yeah," he breathes out before he can think twice. "You know what? That would be great. Thank you."

"No problem," Danny says, sincerely.

They get Lola to hop off the table, and head into the back room to get the others ready. Danny just laughs when he sees the little christmas hats Scott put on the ones that were happy to wear them.

As they're getting them all on their leashes, Danny casually adds, with a glance at Scott, "And if you were up for it, I'd like to get coffee with you sometime."

Scott accidentally clips the leash to his hand instead of the collar. He winces, quickly undoing it and fixing it to its right place instead. Then he looks over at Danny and his amused grin, his heart racing.

"Like—like a date?" he asks, hardly daring to believe that's what he means. Danny was never interested in him. Was he? 

Scott's quickly going through every interaction he's ever had with him.

"Exactly a date," Danny corrects. 

Scott's eyes are wide. His mouth opens, then closes. He wasn't prepared for this. Sure, the thought of Danny liking him back crosses his mind after Stiles and Lydia both insisted that he did after he told them about running into him all those times. But that doesn't mean he was prepared for it.

"You can say no," Danny says, giving another casual shrug as clips the last lead on to the last excited puppy. "I just thought I might as well ask. Waiting three years to do it was bad enough, I didn't want to seem totally pathetic by waiting four to at least know what you'd say."

"Three—what?" Scott asks in disbelief, sure that he must have somehow misheard. "You've wanted to ask me out for… three years?" 

"Like I said, it was starting to seem pathetic." Danny looks at him, holding his stare with a soft gaze. "But, Lydia told me that you came out last year, and after seeing you, I figured I should at least ask."

"Wow. Uh…" Scott's mind is a mess, and he can't sort his thoughts out. Except for one. "I'd love to."

Danny blinks, thrown off his own guard now. Apparently even he wasn't prepared. But he quickly recovers, as does Scott, smiles forming across both their faces.

"Go on a date with you, I mean," Scott says, as if it needs further elaboration. 

"Really?" Danny asks. "Uh… today?"

Scott's breath is knocked out of him, but he's already nodding again. "Yeah, absolutely."

He didn't think anything could make the fluttery feeling in his chest worse. Turns out, Danny smiling at him like he is right now is the thing that can. 

"Okay, great," he says. "Then let's get these guys out of here."

Scott happily agrees. They head out of the back door after making sure the front is locked up. It has to be an hour or more that passes as they walk the dogs through town, taking an open path into the woods, through the snow. The whole way, Scott and Danny are talking, and laughing, catching up on the years they missed and in between. 

[blackssuunn-mandoandyodito]

Tabaco y Brea

Part two

Pairing: Javier Peña x DEA! reader

Rating: M, eventually. Now? PG-13

Words: 3.5k

A/N: well, the first part didn't get many notes but I really love this story. If a single person reads it and likes it, then it's enough for me :)

Warnings: shouting, fighting, swearing, is eating a warning?,jealousy.

Taglist: @dynphomaniac

Part one here

The days passed faster than you would have liked. With so much paperwork added for the Cali mission, you stayed late almost every day. Javi, in an unexpected change of events, stayed with you. He didn't do shit, of course, but his company was comforting. He would softly hum songs sometimes, or get out a book and read it out loud to you. 

The night before, he had been singing the Rocky soundtrack for most of it, turning to Led Zeppelin when he finished. You still remember how after you heard on the radio that John Bonham had been found dead in September 1980, he had left the office for a second and stayed in complete silence outside. 

And then again in December, when they announced they were going to split. You never mentioned it, and you knew he wouldn't admit it even with a gun pointed at his head, but you were sure you had seen a tear run down his cheek. He was a huge fan, apparently.

Tonight, he was reading Cien Años de Soledad (One Hundred Years of Solitude), by Gabriel García Márquez. You loved that author, but you weren't sure if you had ever mentioned it to him. Maybe he knew you enough to figure it out without the need of hearing it straight from your mouth.

"José Arcadio Buendía, que era el hombre más emprendedor que se vería jamás en la aldea, había dispuesto de tal modo la posición de las casas, que desde todas podía llegarse al río y abastecerse de agua con igual esfuerzo, y trazó las calles con tan buen sentido que ninguna casa recibía más sol que otra a la hora del calor." (José Arcadio Buendía, who was the most enterprising man ever to be seen in the village, had set up the placement of the houses in such a way that from all of them one could reach the river and draw water with the same effort, and he had lined up the streets with such good sense that no house got more sun than another during the hot time of day. )

His voice was very soothing to you, even more when he was speaking Spanish. You didn't know if he had noticed, but it got more raspy and deep when he changed languages. It reminded you of the summers spent in México with your father, when he would tell you stories about his childhood in México City or the trips he would do to Nuevo Laredo with your grandma.

He stopped reading for a second and you looked up to see why was that just to find him already staring at you.

"What's wrong?" you asked, not wanting to tell him you were enjoying his reading.

"Do you like this book?"

You nodded, a slight blush spreading in your cheeks. You tended not to give him compliments, his ego was big enough as it was without you contributing, but you figured this one wouldn't hurt.

"He's one of my favorite authors."

He smiled. "I figured"

"You brought that one because you thought I'd like it?"

It was just teasing, of course. You didn't think he'd do such a gesture for you, and the idea of him knowing you so well scared you a little bit.

He ignored you and kept going. " En pocos años, Macondo fue una aldea más ordenada y laboriosa que cualquiera de las conocidas hasta entonces por sus 300 habitantes. Era en verdad una aldea feliz, donde nadie era mayor de treinta años y donde nadie había muerto." (  Within a few years Macondo was a village that was more orderly and hard working than any known until then by its three hundred inhabitants. It was a truly happy village where no one was over thirty years of age and where no one had died.)

You stopped working for a moment, listening to the words he was saying instead. 

Did he know how sexy his voice was? How good he sounded? He was one of the smartest people you knew, and you had been to enough places and met enough people to say that with confidence. His mind was sharp, could run 10 miles per minute if the situation required it.

He noticed you were staring and stopped again. His frown got more pronounced, looking at you intrigued.

"What are you looking at?" his tone was defensive. He didn't like it when you stared at him too long, it felt like you could see straight through him, and there were some things he didn't want you to know.

You shook your head and laughed. "You look tired"

With a shrug, he returned his eyes to the book, but you stretched your arm to stop him. 

"Now what?"

You took the book from his hands and placed a clean sheet of paper from your desk between the pages he had been reading and closed it. With a soft sound, you let it fall on top of the table.

"It's getting late, we should go"

He straightened, surprised. Usually, he was the one to prey you away from all the paperwork. If he didn't stay with you, he would probably find you there still working the next morning.

"You are telling me we should leave?"

You nodded.

"Quick, before I change my mind."

At that, he stood up like a spring and started collecting his things. You chuckled as you saved the files on the drawer and put your jacket on.

"Let's go"

Two days later, he approached you without no greeting and in a very bad mood.

"The gringo's here"

What a great way to start the morning, you thought.

"Weren't we supposed to pick him up or something?"

Javi shook his head. He seemed frustrated, but you didn't know if it was about the arrival of your new partner or something else. With Javi, you could never guess.

His shoulders were tense, the beige suit he was wearing along with the striped tie and his yellow aviators made him look older and more serious. Had he dressed up to meet the new guy? Really?

"I'm gonna meet him outside at the Embassy's parking lot, wait here"

You nodded and kept filling the paperwork for the Cali raid as he left. You were going to take the new guy with you. You couldn't just dump him, he wasn't brought here to sit around and watch from the sidelines.

You just hoped he did his work.

A few minutes passed when you heard a pair of footsteps walking through the corridor.

"We're going to Medellín?"

That definitely wasn't Javi.

You stood up, turning around to the voice at your back. 

You had to suppress a laugh once you took a glance at them.

Their suits were almost the same color, Javi's just a shade darker. Steve Murphy was wearing a light blue shirt along with a navy blue tie, had a mustache similar to Javi's too (but it made him look weird, if you were honest). His hair was dark blonde, combed to one side, and his face gave away a little nervousness. He was also taller than Javi, meaning you had to crank your neck up to meet his eyes.

"Murphy this is Bera. Bera, Murphy." Javi pointed at you as Steve shook your hand. His hold was strong, and he squeezed with enough force to be firm but not enough to hurt you. That came appreciated, every single man who met you always treated you as if you were made of porcelain. 

You glared at Javi and told Steve your real name, then clarified, "But everyone calls me Bera" 

"Bera?" he asked. You smiled in return. 

"Long story, you'll get to know it later"

He smiled too, and they left for the ambassador's office. 

As it was everyone's knowledge at the Embassy, she didn't like Javi very much, so you dealt with it when you had to ask her for something. She had a soft spot for you, you guessed it was because she knew how hard it was to be a woman in this line of work. Maybe she didn't like him because of his methods of getting info, you weren't sure.

Once they got out, Javi stood up behind his desk and started moving the few papers he had there. You wondered how he managed to have such a mess considering he only read intel, made calls and left you with everything else.

"Ahora qué se te perdió Peña?" (What did you loose now Peña?)

He glared at you and kept moving his papers. His actions were getting desperate, frustration from before about who knows what affecting him.

Murphy was looking back and forth between the two of you, standing awkwardly between your desks. You didn't know if he had understood what you said, but judging by his face, you guessed he hadn't.

"Recuerdas la informante de la que te hablé?" (Remember the informant I told you about?"

You rolled your eyes. Of course you remembered, he had been seeing her frequently over the past few weeks. He wasn't one to be constant about his hookups, but apparently, she was good enough to keep a streak with him. He hadn't seen her since you had been staying late, but last night you had left early and he went straight to search for her. You didn't have to be a genius to guess what had happened when he found her.

"Helena Sotomayor?" you asked, venom filling your voice. You didn't have anything against her or what she did, but jealousy wasn't something you could avoid easily, especially if you knew how Javier felt about her.

"Si"  his voice got deeper as he got angrier, "habrá una reunión de narcos en Medellín, y se irá a la fiesta que harán después"

(Yes, there's gonna be a reunion of narcos in Medellín, and she's leaving for the party they're hosting after)

"And what? You can't get another girl for the night?" you snarled, your tone hard and resentful. Steve looked at you with his eyes wide open, subconsciously getting closer to Javi.

"It's not about that!" Javier raised his arms exasperated, "you don't seem to understand. There's gonna be a meeting with different leaders of cartels, and they're surely planning something"

You scoffed, "yeah idiot, I get that! What I mean is what the hell are you searching for that has to do with her?"

Suddenly his back straightened, and you knew you weren't going to like what he was gonna say next.

"I need to fill a visa request for her"

You felt how your face got red and warmth spread through your body, filling it with jealousy and anger. Your eyes crossed with his and suddenly it had turned into yet another one of your fights. So that's what was bothering him. 

Steve looked at Javi, alarmed. 

"Is your informant really a prostitute?"

Javi didn't even look at him, "Everybody works for somebody"

You abruptly stood up and took your jacket off of your chair's back, walking fast towards the exit.

"A dónde carajos vas?" (where the fuck are you going?) he screamed, fisting his hands at his sides.

You turned around and showed him the finger.

"It's none of your fucking business!"

Javier and Steve stood there as you left, stunned. Your heels making a clicking sound that resonated in the office. Javier was used to your fighting and your screaming, it was part of your dynamic, but he didn't understand why you had reacted so bad this time. Sure, he knew you weren't fond of his way of finding intel, but you never really did more than glare or tease. This was new.

"Is it always like this with you two?" Steve asked. Javi moved his head from side to side, crinkling his eyes.

"A little less explosive, but yes"

Steve let out a sigh. This was going to be some long couple of months (or years?) for him, he just knew it.

As you walked, your eyes started to fill with tears, but you didn't know if it was out of rage or hurt. You were not one to cry, so you wiped them before they fell and rounded the corner to the right towards the diner you usually ate at.

Once you crossed the street and rounded another corner to the left, in the middle of the street was a big sign that spelled Salomé in cursive. You got inside and sat down at the table from the corner, taking out the money of your jacket's pocket. Catalina (or Cata), the cute old lady that managed it, smiled at you from the counter and walked towards you. You smiled back, doing your best to conceal your feelings.

"Qué hace mi niña preciosa aqui?" (what is my precious girl doing here?) . Her voice was soft, filled with affection. His tone was motherly and you knew she had noticed something was wrong.

You smiled sadly at her. "Solo tengo hambre"( I'm just hungry )

 Cata immediately sat down in the chair across you and took your hands between hers. She heard something off in your voice, and she didn't like it one bit.

"Ahora qué hizo ese chamaco malcriado?" (What did that spoiled brat do now?) Her tone changed to playful but angry in a matter of seconds, her frown accentuated even more than it already was by her age.

You shook your head, laughing. Cata was also very fond of Javi, but she knew how much of an idiot he could be. Surprisingly, you had met her before he had, one time you were hungry and the food at the Embassy didn't sound very appealing to your ears or stomach.

"Nada Catita, ya sabes cómo es" (Nothing Catita, you know how he is). You tried to smile and she cupped your head between her hands, caressing your face with his thumb. You put your hand above hers and gave it a soft squeeze.

"Qué quiere comer mi niña?" (What do you want to eat my girl?)

A grin spread across your cheeks. "Ajiaco con pollo, porfa." (Ajiaco with chicken, please. it's a typical food in Colombia, commonly found in Bogotá. It consists of shredded chicken, pastusa, sabanera and/or creole potato, corn and maybe cream milk)

She nodded and stood up, sadness forgotten for a moment.

"Con aguacate y arroz aparte?" (with avocado and rice aside?)

You nodded eagerly. "Sabes que si" (you know it)

The curtains hiding the kitchen opened to her as she walked inside to cook your food. Your heart warmed and clenched a little at how much love she showed you every time you came here, how she genuinely cared for you.

The tablecloth was made of white lace, and you passed your fingers through the surface. It felt gritty to the touch, but its beauty completely overshadowed it. Cata had gifted you one to take home once, and it was now decorating your little table at the living room in the apartment.

The noises of Bogotá surrounded you. It was easy to hear children playing and their mothers screaming at them; people selling fruits, clothes, arguing and laughing. People doing their best to keep living, even with the crisis they were dealing with, the number of narcos that were raising and how much hell they were surely about to unleash in this beautiful country.

 It was your job to stop them, to do your best at helping these people get their normal lives back. 

The sound of Cata approaching took you out of your thoughts.

"Aquí está mi dulce niña, justo como le gusta" (here it is my sweet girl, just how you like it)

You took the plate of food and tilted your head, thankful. "Gracias Cata" (thank you Cata)

You quickly set your spoon to the food and as you took the first bite, everything you were worried about banished for a second. Javier, the DEA, Escobar, Steve, everything flew out the window.

That's why you had come, because everything could be forgotten for a moment if you choose the right dish to stuff your mouth with.

Cata laughed at your eagerness, patting your shoulder with her soft hand. "Tranquilícese muñequita, que la comida no se le va a ir" (Calm down little doll, the food is not going to get away)

With your mouth full you could only nod, giving her an apologetic smile. She shook her head, eyes soft as they looked at you.

The rest of your meal was spent in silence, his presence comforting to your aching heart. She knew when to speak and when to stay silent, you always talked when you wanted to and it was pointless to try and make you.

Once you finished, you took a napkin and cleaned your mouth, handing her much more money than the food cost. She immediately gave it back to you, shaking her head.

"no no mi niña, llévese eso." (no no my girl, take that away)

Standing up, you took her hand and placed the money in her palm. 

"Yo no lo necesito Catita" (I don't need it Catita) With a kiss to the top of her head, you swiftly got out of there, her sigh reaching your ears as you walked back to the Embassy. 

You felt much lighter, the pain in your chest gone and your muscles relaxed. You entered the building and walked down the stairs to the basement, heading straight to your desk. Javi was sitting at his, filling what you guessed was the visa request for Helena. You didn't give it importance, sitting down at your chair and stripping off your jacket. The office was getting hot again, so you tied your hair up in a ponytail and started working as if nothing had happened.

Steve gives you a funny look from his seat between your desks. He won't have his own for at least a week, so either you let him use part of yours or Javier will.

You pray he's an organized person and wave at him.

"Come on Miami, get over here"

He sits straight and gives you a visual similar to a puppy being called, then stands up to pull his chair to sit across you. His desk will probably be on the opposite wall of yours anyway, may as well get used to his face.

"Do you need help with anything?"

His words sound like heaven in your ears, and you're sure your eyes even sparkle a little bit. Finally, someone is going to help you.

"Could you help me fill these formats, please? I'm sure you know how to"

He laughs a little and takes the bunch of documents you're handing him, nodding. He never liked doing paperwork either but didn't hate it as much as Peña seemed to do. He can't help but think that leaving you with everything is too much of a dick move and decides to help you as much as he can from now on.

Both of you start to work without another word, the air feeling a little tense now that Steve feels like less of a stranger at the office. He can't do much about the rigidness between the two of you, though.

Javier raises his head from the request he's filling out and a pang on his chest makes itself present once he gets a good look at the scene in front of him.

In all the time he's known you, he has never seen you so relaxed while working. Your cheeks are flushed from the heat that's enveloping the entire place, strands of hair falling to your face as you're bent over whatever document you're working on. Your shoulders are less tense than he's seen in weeks, and he can even see a faint smile forming at your lips. Steve is reading through the papers you gave him, his posture loose and easy.

With new people, you're usually slow to warm up to, you hate anyone who isn't him getting close at your workplace, and even then you're hesitant. Despite this, you seem to be getting used to Murphy pretty quickly, and the thought creates a knot right at the center of his stomach. 

He shakes the thought out of his head and keeps working on the visa request, but he can't shake the warm, burning feeling that has spread all over his body.

The day goes quickly, with Murphy helping you with everything you ask for and things getting easier between you two. With every laugh and joke the two of you exchange, Javier feels his body get hotter and hotter, but refuses to acknowledge it. 

Soon it's time to leave and for the first time in weeks, you don't need to stay late.

"Vamonos compañera" (let's go partner) Javier says, but his words come out hard and tense.

It only gets worse when you shake your head as you stand up.

"Hoy no Javier, tomaré el colectivo" (not today Javier, I'm taking the bus)

He grits his teeth and fists his hands at his sides but otherwise nods. He takes his jacket off the rack and rounds his desk, waiting for you and Steve to walk in front of him.

As the three of you get out of the building,the sun has barely set and it's a good change from the pitch black night you had gotten used to. You bid each other goodbye and he silently watches how you walk alongside Murphy through the alley with a clenching heart and a hot face, jumping into his Jeep and closing the door with much more force than necessary.

"pinche gringo" (fucking gringo) he mutters as he drives away.

[tristancreed]

My Relationship With Tattoos

Art as we know it comes in any medium. It could be a portrait, a scuplture, a dish, a film or even a fighting style. The canvas and the medium may change, but one thing remains constant. It represents something. One's feelings, identity, code, maybe even culture. Tattoos are not far from this. They are pieces of art etched on a living canvas. Just like any piece of art can be viewed differently by the artist, the wearer as well as the mere spectator. The same perception could also be rooted from a personal interpretation/bias, cultural influence, and etc.

The Philippines, while still attempting to develop have yet to change its view on tattooing. To some, it is in fact seen at an artistic light whereas most view them with negative connotations. Some even view tattooed individuals as nothing but bottom dwellers, drug addicts, criminals, anything synonymous with the word undesirable. We even have a senator that says exactly these words about tattooed individuals, as do most conservative folks. Which is ironic considering that tattoos once played a significant role in the pre-colonial history. It often dsiplayed one's role, accomplishments, clan, and even social status. One of our most well-reputed national artists happen to be Whang-Od. To the uninitiated, she is currently the last living traditional tattoo artist around these parts. She is well sought out by visitors both domestic and foreign. In all sincerity, I'd like to see that senator try and publicly call her a drug addict to her face. Like I said, The Philippines has yet to be anywhere near ready to adapt to a modern society. And with it, more progressive views.

(Image is courtesy of La Blouse Roumaine ©)

I for one had a neutral stance on them. I should know, I have four of them and have gone through five sessions all in all. But before that, I remember wanting to get one as far as when I was in college and even intending to get two particular pieces. One being WWE Superstar Edge's Rise Above wrist piece and Toryn Green's sinner and saint ambigram. This what happens when you grow up being a fan of hard rock music, professional wrestling and mixed martial arts. Although what kept me from getting tattooed was the fear of being an ineligible blood donor, as well as the fear of being unemployable in the future.

That however changed after I graduated. Turns out, most corporate environments won't even bat an eye at an upper management figure sporting full sleeves and stretched earlobes. Others may not be as lenient. But it hardly impacted how they're received in the company.  I even had a chance to get a session done in 2013 but it kept falling apart.

It didn't cross my mind until 2017 and that's that I finally decided to go for it. I remembered seeing a simple but perfectly symmetrical geometric arrow design. The design was perfect. I also happen to love archery. So I literally had no other issue with it. I later ended up getting referred by my cousin to her artist who did her wrist piece months prior. The three weeks leading up to that session, I let my folks know in advance that I am getting a tattoo. I didn't wait for their approval or anything. I made it clear that I’m getting inked. Furthermore, I’d like to point out that I am a regular subscriber to Aaron Marino’s YouTube Channel (you may know him as Alpha M). I then took some crucial tips regarding tattoos. I had the certainty down as long as I follow one crucial tip. You have a whole sea of skin all over you. So out of all that, just avoid having one on your hands, neck, and face. If you can hide it with a dress shirt, it’s completely fine. 

On the day of my appointment, I literally just slapped on a sleeveless Avenged Sevenfold cut-off top, some shorts, with only my phone and wallet in hand before heading out for my session. It happened in a small studio just next to a small school in Pacita. Fortunately, I got there in time and I happened to be his only scheduled client for the day. What happened next was pivotal. I literally watched as the needle first touched my skin and slowly covered my birthmark. The session itself took over five hours. And what turned out to be the final product was an entirely different design. One which was inspired by the concept I sent, but also deviated from it. My parents despite having already been warned in advance were still initially shocked by it. They didn’t think I was actually going ahead with it. So this is the part where I retroactively followed what Jaiden Dittfach (of Jaiden Animations) said when she got her bird Ari. If you want really want something and your parents said no, get it anyway and trick them into loving it. Now that it’s on my skin, there really wasn’t much they could do about it. But at least they know its meaning and that it isn’t anything negative. I did have some issues with the product though and it took three more years before I finally got it fixed. For good this time. At least before the pandemic happened and it was done by a trusted friend. In her defense, she made the best of what she could work with then and even remarked how deep the first needle went. Fortunately, she managed to even out some places that needed to be polished.

The intended design (Image is courtesy of The Style Up ©)

The (first) finished product.

Finally fixed. 

In between all of this, I also managed to get three more pieces. It was November 12, 2018, a news shocked Marvel fans the world over. Stan Lee tragically passed away just six weeks shy of what would have been his 96th birthday. It was such a devastating loss of a figure who helped mold the childhoods of many. I wrote about it and posted it here shortly after. During those events, I remembered having come across the Wakandan alphabet before it hit me. But first, I had to consult a few friends in order to make sure that I wouldn’t be committing any act of cultural appropriation. After finally clearing that up, I sent my own design to a friend of mine (Who went on to do all of my ink from that point on) and booked the session. Thanksgiving day later came and I realized that we had no work that day. So I later called her up to see if she was free. Fortunately, she was and I finally had it etched on my right forearm. It was the Latin word “Excelsior” that literally translates to ever upward. It was also Stan’s catchphrase. The feeling of getting that piece was a lot more different than the previous one. This came with a wave of emotion. Because the significance could even be traced from my childhood and I grew up around this fandom and it meant more to me than just entertainment. It helped shape part of my identity. It’s literally the one piece I wish I could have flashed on a camera next to Stan himself. One thing’s for sure both Stan Lee and Chadwick Boseman would have thought it was a wise choice for a piece of ink on one’s skin. 

“Excelsior”

- Stan Lee

Upon having gone through a tattoo session, you can only describe the feel of a needle as a sting. But you wouldn’t exactly call it pain. That isn’t an opinion, that is a fact. Another thing one must know upon getting a tattoo is that you will later want additional pieces. Your skin will want the feel of that needle again. And while my parents said that would be my last piece, I simply couldn’t promise that. This time around, I’ve been looking to get a Cthulhu tattoo since December 2018. Of course, being busy as always, I couldn’t find a time to arrange it. I would only do so once I’m sure I’m completely free for that day. I live two lives. Both as a corporate guy and a public figure. Spare time and sleep are luxuries I can’t always afford. And after all the planning, I finally booked it. I literally went to my friend’s place right away to have it done. The session was of reasonable length and it felt different. Both of my previous tattoos were done on my right forearm. Both of which had uplifting personal meanings. A darker piece like that would be completely out of place in that part of my body. So I opted for my left bicep. It was surreal. I’m a man invested into multiple fandoms and H.P. Lovecraft’s universe is definitely in that list. There’s just something about the occult and the unknown horrors of the cosmos that piqued my interest since my formative years. This was me finally marking that on my skin. If there’s one of Lovecraft’s most iconic creations that deserved that spot, it was the famed Dreamer of R’lyeh himself. If the excelsior tattoo gave a rush of innocence that I hadn’t felt in ages, this was different. It had that enigmatic aura around it which made it all the more perfect. The piece came together so well and it was on an arm that a needle had yet to kiss. After the session, you could say I probably found out how the Sam Raimi Peter Parker felt when he first put on the black symbiote suit. Minus the dance when he exited that tailor shop. I also ended up getting a freehand bonus on my right wrist again. Just something Roxy threw in. It was the Latin phrase “Sic Parvis Magna.” which literally translates to “Thus great things come from small things.” or better yet, greatness from small beginnings. Which is another phrase I hold dear considering my humble origins.

“Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn”

“In his house at R’lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.”

“Thus great things come from small things.”

That certainly wouldn’t be the end of it. Again, while my folks insisted that I got my last pieces, I still can’t promise that. One thing’s for sure, I wouldn’t get any piece that either stands for something that abridges the rights of another human being, nor would any of my upcoming pieces ever wrongly appropriate a culture. Ultimately, I would always advise everyone to at least take Aaron Marino’s advise to heart. Don’t get one that you wouldn’t want to show your folks. You also have a whole sea of skin around you, so avoid having one on your hands, neck and face. I’m definitely not done stepping next to a needle. I still have plans on some pieces. But I always see to their significance. It’s always wise to do exactly that. Getting a tattoo isn’t a joke. It’s a commitment. One that can even outlive a marriage. So it pays to take every choice into consideration. Some of us choose to wear our hearts on our sleeve and some do so literally.

[its-renleonhart]

Ushers and Auditoriums 1

I think this story will be relatable to those who have also worked in the Movie Theatre Industry.

So, I work at a pretty well-known movie theatre in Arizona, that's located inside of a mall. I'm positive a lot of you know which one that I'm going to be talking about, but for those who don't, I'm gonnna be calling this place "Millennium Theatres".

I have been currently working there for about almost an entire year now, and I first started off as a concessionist. But that's a story for another post.

I had been "promoted" from concessions to what my managers call Floor, which is just a fancy term for Ushering. Usually there is about four or six of us on floor depending on how busy it gets.

So last month, on December 17th, we had been given the honor of showing Spider-Man: No Way Home. I am not a big marvel fan, having lost my interest in the fandom after I learned just how damn toxic it can get, all because I had mentioned how I had said a few movies no longer made any sense to me, and one Anon had started calling me a hater, and blah, blah blah. (I understand that you have to watch the movies AND the series that are coming out in a specific order, but nobody got time for that.)

Anyways, as you can expect; it got busy very fast. Now, I'm not complaining about it getting busy, since I'd rather be moving than standing on one spot for nearly 30 minutes waiting for people to get out of an auditorium.

What I AM going to be complaining about you will see in a second.

For context, it was me and about four other ushers, including our manager. Sometimes, he will have us split up to cover both A side and B side of the theatre in case we fall behind. Sometimes we will have guests come out when the movie is over and they will say "Thank you for working today!", and while we appreciate the gesture...we also get That Feeling™️.

Like we were going to walk into something really horrible.

So, I go in there and switch on the lights. And I swear to the Heavens, I almost FREAKED the FUCK OUT over what I was staring at.

Now, it wasn't as bad as that one TikTok from that one employee where the auditorium was destroyed by guests. But imagine seeing nachos smothered in cheese and jalapenos(did I spell that right?), and overly buttered popcorn crushed into the seats and the carpet; soda and beer/wine/etc. INSIDE of the cupholders, and popcorn tubs and those cardboard carriers being stuffed into the bottom of the recliners.

It was that bad.

My manager comes in, sees the fucking mess everyone had left behind and said "Those disgusting motherfuckers."

Look. We understand when things spill. We get that. It's hard to not spill anything because you are trying to balance to snacks and drink in your arms while also trying to climb up the stairs and get to your seat. BUT! It's another when someone is sitting down and just allows for their popcorn to get crushed into the seats and not even bother to at least lift the cushion up to dust it off the seats. A lot of guests that we get seem to have that "Not My Job; Not my Problem" Mentality. Especially when they do Private Watch Parties.

Guys, listen. A lot of us working in movie theatres don't get paid enough to clean up after guests who leave half-eaten nachos, hot foods, and hell, even their babies DIRTY DIAPERS lodged into the seats. Even with gloves on, we can still get sick from all that. AND BEFORE I get people commenting on this all like "Hey! Fuck you, Ren! We're vaccinated! We don't have Covid!" I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT JUST COVID! I AM TALKING ABOUT EVERY SICKNESS OUT THERE! NOROVIRUS, THE COMMON COLD, ALL THAT!

While cleaning, we also get guests who come in and try to sit down when we're not even remotely finished. We appreciate those of you who understand and are happy to wait on the benches for like five to ten minutes while we finish. But please don't try to argue with us. We clean and sanitize the auditoriums before every show so that you guys don't get sick. We don't want you guys coming in, and sitting down only to sit in someone else's mess. Because no one wants that.

So what can you take away from this? Please make sure you clean up after yourself to make it easy for your theatre employees, who are just trying to survive and afford their next meals, so that way we can do our best to provide the best movie experience for you guys. :)

Thank you guys for reading; This is Ren Leonhart, Signing Out.