#last time we met she told me i should prioritize publications and try to get more lines on my CV

[the-everqueen]

very wild how earlier this week i was feeling good about things done so far this summer (submitted another article to a different journal, made progress on the conference paper i'm giving later this month), and then my "mentor" emailed me asking whether i'd finished two other, separate things and could send them to her for review, and now i feel like i'm actually wasting everyone's time including my own 🙃

[whereisten]

True Love

A Jeno fic that’s a part of our Halloween Series!

Summary: You, an employee at an entertainment company, are immune to the charms of their biggest star Lee Jeno.

Pairing: Rockstar! Jeno x female reader

Genre: romance, drama, fantasy, suspense

Warning: alcohol use, smut mention, stalking, manipulation 

Word Count: 4.3k

(A/N: Hiya! I’m so sorry for the delay! It’s been so hectic lol! Thank you so much for your support and patience! Hope you enjoy! And shoutout to Krys for keeping me sane and for all of her love and support. I love you! :D)

___

To everyone in the world, Lee Jeno was the epitome of perfection and rock royalty. He was a gifted musician from the very young age of five, having specialized in several instruments in his childhood. However, his heart gravitated to the guitar. He became a trainee at LCF Entertainment and along with four other trainees, they became the world famous rock band, Temptation.

He was ranked in the top 23 in World Magazine’s Sexiest Men Alive this year. He was a walking and talking Adonis with a heartwarming smile.

Jeno was a man of many talents but he certainly didn’t let it get to his head. He was a humanitarian, a UNICEF ambassador, fostered shelter animals, was the proud owner of three cats even though he was allergic, a great family man (funding his siblings’ college tuition and providing for his parents so they could retire early), etc. He did it all and he had it all.

How could anyone be immune to his charms?

People wondered who would be the queen that would reign beside him when he settled down. Frankly, one couldn’t be anything short of a supermodel on the verge of sainthood. So many hopeful contenders were discouraged from pursuing him.

Jeno’s dating life was non-existent, the paparazzi dreaded to inform.

But you were an employee of LCF Entertainment so you knew the truth, as well as the true nature of the famous Lee Jeno. He was basically like any other young man with an inflated ego. He was cocky, a huge flirt when the cameras were off, very picky, and demanding. But no one ever dared speak a word of his true nature to the paparazzi. And you always wondered why. Someone had to bring him down a few pegs.

You were the staff photographer and videographer, in charge of capturing Jeno’s good and “relatable but still unbelievably glamorous” sides. When the camera was on, that was when you felt at ease.

It didn’t help that Jeno liked you either. Although you’d been working with Temptation and the individual members for a few years now, it was only recently that Jeno really was set on it pursuing you.

When you switched off the camera after the recording of Jeno’s backstage vlog, he sat comfortably at his makeup chair and proceeded to ask, “Y/n, will you go out with me now?”

You answered immediately, “No.”

Jeno gave you a sad puppy dog face. “Why not?”

“We’ve gone over this. I would get fired.” You wanted to spare his feelings so that was what you always said when he asked you out.

Jeno groaned. “You would not. I wouldn’t let that happen.”

You snorted. “You think you have that kind of power, Lee?”

He liked when you called him by his last name. “That’s because I do have that power, y/n. The new company building is funded solely out of my earnings from my last solo album.”

You whistled. “There’s that humility I’m always reading about in O!What Magazine…”

Jeno smiled. “You read articles about me?”

“I do when my name is in the article, boss.” You started packing up your equipment, ready to call it a day and head home.

Jeno got out of his chair and stood over you. He smelled of Dior Sauvage, cologne from his latest brand endorsement. He wore his stage clothes from his solo concert rehearsal. A sleeveless jean jacket top that parted down the middle to show his abs. Along his abs, silver chains dangled and added a nice glimmer effect when he was on stage. The entire team was thrilled to see how the audience would eat it up.

He whispered into your ear, “Y/n.”

Truthfully? He was attractive. You’d always had a little crush on him but it was of a shallow nature. You liked him for his looks. Not so much for his personality. You’d known too much.

If Jeno had been any other regular guy, you would’ve been open to a one-night stand.

But Jeno wasn’t just any regular guy.

You tried to hide the fact that shivers ran down your spine. “Stop.”

He chuckled. “But I can see you through the reflection, y/n...You're crossing your legs…”

You’d hoped he wasn’t that perceptive but it turned out he was. You hid away the fact that you were turned on. Your panties were damp but you’d be damned if he ever knew that.

You met Jeno’s perfectly lined eyes as he looked at you unapologetically. Everyone else from the staff already left. Jeno’s manager was waiting downstairs to take him to the radio station J-423 for his upcoming interview.

You were breathless now. “Jeno, you’re going to be late-”

He pulled you into him and kissed you, easily slipping his tongue into your mouth and working magic against yours. You couldn’t help but return his kiss. His mouth was paradise and you wondered what else he could do with it.

He let you go after a few minutes and cupped your face. “So are you going to deny that there’s something going on here?”

You tried to catch your breath as you wiped your lipstick off of Jeno’s mouth. “No, I guess not...But this is where it stops.”

Jeno frowned. “Y/n…”

“I know where I stand. And you know it, too. And Jeno, I don’t like you that way...I’m sorry.” You caressed his face and grabbed your things, leaving Jeno with an unreadable expression on his face.

___

As a member of LCF Entertainment, your ultimate goal was profit. That was what you had to know from the very beginning. There was no such thing as LCF Family or truly prioritizing the idols. Everyone was after themselves. Whoever brought the most money to the company would get the most attention and special treatment. And that was Jeno.

And you, an aspiring film director, were thankful to be on his team because this experience could open doors for you in the future as a director. Sure, Jeno was a diva and he couldn’t stop flirting with you, but the experience wasn’t all that bad. And yeah it was frustrating that the media and the public perceived Jeno to be the nation’s sweetheart. But in the end, he wasn’t hurting anyone.

He was only hurting people’s wallets.

Temptation’s merchandise always sold out quickly but Jeno’s individual merch was always the first to sell out. And it was the first to get resold for twice and sometimes even triple the price. The fanbase was very merciless and selfish with each other. However, the scalpers were the true evil. That was less money going to your company, after all.

Even though frontman Jeno was the most popular member of Temptation, it was Temptation’s drummer Xiaojun that you had a massive crush on for a long time now. You even accumulated a secret collection of his merch. You were two photocards away from completing your Xiaojun album photocard collection.

Xiaojun even admitted to liking you back but you both kept it a secret from everyone else in the world, especially LCF. You two weren’t about to compromise your jobs. However, since Temptation was the biggest moneymaker in the game and the boys had been with the company for quite some time now, their dating ban was lifted.

Which explained why Jeno had been asking you out all week, not caring who listened and it freaked you out.

If Jeno’s fans ever found out he asked you out, they would pin the blame on you.

A week had passed since you told Jeno you weren’t interested in him. You felt bad for hurting him but you were also worried about his mood. He had the power to get you dismissed. You refused to believe he would be so cruel.

And up until this point, you were right. You were still employed and Jeno spoke with you like any other day, talking about camera angles and new concepts for upcoming shoots.

The end of another work week and Xiaojun surprises you on your way to the bus stop.

“Y/n,” Xiaojun pulls up beside you in his Porsche. He looked so elegant in a pale blue sweater and blue jeans. His face was concealed by a mask so he could leave undetected. But you’d recognized those eyebrows anywhere.

“Hey. What are you doing here?”

“I...I think we should finally talk…”

“About?”

He smiled. “About dating.”

You nearly dropped your phone out of your hand from the shock. “Really?”

He said, “Get in so I can drive you home!”

You nodded fervently and got into his passenger seat. Was this really happening?

On the drive home, Xiaojun told you he wanted to take it slow and have indoor dates with you first. You couldn’t agree more. He even surprised you with a brand new pair of AirPods after you told him that your brother took them from you.

The first of many gifts, he told you.

You got home that night and screamed excitedly into your pillow so as not to frighten your roommates

___

It has been a month since you and Xiaojun started seeing each other. You were on cloud nine. He would visit you at your apartment and would play with his dog Bella. Bella loved you a little more than she loved Xiaojun so you two would always bicker and end the night in each other’s arms.

Jeno noticed the spring in your step as you filmed his cooking vlog. He was showing his fans how he cooked breakfast for himself when he had down time. He was in a plain white T-shirt and a pair of drawstring trousers. He looked relaxed and for many, delectable, as his hair was wet from a shower. He was trying very hard to get your attention once again.

He anticipated you averting your eyes and stuttering at the sight of him but nothing. You whistled while you adjusted the tripod’s position.

“What’s got you so happy?” Jeno asked.

You nearly jumped at his question. You decided to be upfront. “I’m seeing Xiaojun.”

Jeno’s cool facade nearly cracked before your very eyes. “Oh?”

You apologized. “I’m sorry, Jeno. I should’ve told you that I liked Xiaojun…”

Jeno was furious. What the hell did Xiaojun have that he didn’t? Jeno was more muscular, taller, more talented, wealthier, more attractive...He was superior to Jeno in every way and everyone else knew it, too.

He honed his acting skills and replied evenly, “Why are you apologizing, y/n? So you like someone else...I’ll live.”

You realized maybe Jeno didn’t like you as much as you thought so you felt relieved to hear his dismissive tone. “Right. Good. I just...thought you should know…”

You and Jeno continued the shoot. He acted like nothing had happened and even behind the scenes, he joked with you and asked you which of the female trainees he should ask out. You berated him because female trainees were not allowed to date and he knew this very well. Jeno was back to his arrogant self and you were relieved.

___

You got a text from Xiaojun that he was finishing up a filming schedule with his bandmates. You wouldn’t be able to see him today because the schedule was running overtime.

He told you to go to dinner with some friends at Osaka Moon. His treat. He was good friends with the chef, apparently. You were on your way to the restaurant to meet your friends.

You were shocked at how down-to-earth Xiaojun still was after achieving so much fame and then he would do things like this. It gave you whiplash but you were having the time of your life with him.

However, you noticed him across the street. Xiaojun always wore different wigs and masks for his disguised outings with you.

But this time, there were no disguises. His side swept blonde hair and his thin framed glasses. There was no mistaking that it was him.

Was the filming for the show at the Downtown Hotel?

You were about to call his name when you saw another woman wrap her arms around him and squeeze his ass. She had long wavy brown hair and a slender frame. She could’ve been a model or a singer. They both entered the expensive hotel. Very bold of him to take her out so publicly when he was still intent on hiding you.

You felt like someone knocked the breath out of you. You shook your head in disbelief.

Immediately, you dialed Xiaojun’s number and there was no answer. You called four more times and nothing.

Son of a bitch, you thought.

He played you. You should’ve known he was no different than any other dickhead A-lister.

You decided to call his bandmates. It turned out that the filming they’d done today wrapped up over two hours ago.

Haechan had no idea where he was. Jisung didn’t either. Jaemin was equally perplexed. Last but not least you called Jeno.

He answered. “Hello?”

At this point, you couldn’t hold back your tears anymore. “Jeno…”

“Y/n? What’s wrong?”

“Do you know where Xiaojun is?”

“Not specifically...he did mention he had a reservation at the Downtown Hotel…”

You sniffled. “He did?”

“I thought he was meeting you…”

“No, he wasn’t…”

“Oh...Oh, shit, y/n. I am so-“

“It’s okay...Thanks Jeno. I’ll see you on Monday…”

You told your friends to have dinner without you and to make sure to spare no expense because your so-called boyfriend was buying. You told them Xiaojun finished at the last minute and wanted to take you dancing.

A total lie so you could wallow at your local bar.

You sat right by the bar and downed a few glasses of beer. Just to feel anything else besides the betrayal you felt.

A half hour later, you were even more buzzed now. A young man sat beside you at the counter.

He started, “Hello, gorgeous.”

You looked at the young man. He was stunning. Another face that belonged on television. Another one of those who was capable of seducing you and tossing you away the very next second.

You flipped the bird. “Bite me.”

The young man scoffed and tried again, “Feisty, aren’t we?”

He got closer to you and you began to feel uncomfortable. “Please leave me alone…”

“Tsk tsk. A beautiful girl like you in tears? You need someone who will bring your smile back.”

“And you’re the man for that job?” Someone interrupted.

You were shocked to find Jeno here. He looked gorgeous in a black leather jacket and dark jeans. His hair was slicked back the way you liked it most and wow, you may have had one too many drinks...A few customers recognized Jeno and started whispering and taking their cameras out.

“Jeno?” You nearly lost your balance as you got up from your chair.

Jeno grabbed you immediately before the other guy could.

The stranger said, “Why do you get to put your hands on her? Just cause you're some pretty boy with mediocre music...I’m sure she’s nothing compared to who you’ve bedded before-“

Jeno socked him in the face and escorted you out of the bar. The stranger cursed you both out as you left. Jeno led you quickly into his manager’s car that he borrowed for the night. You felt a little dizzy.

Jeno fastened your seatbelt.

You smiled at him. “Thanks.”

He looked at you in concern. “Are you okay?”

You shook your head. “Why are men scum, Jeno?”

Jeno sighed. “I’m so sorry about-“

“Don’t say his name...I...never want to see him again...God, now I have to sell all of his merch…”

Jeno frowned in confusion and continued, “I’ll take you home…”

You didn’t want to face your roommates. “No...Can I…Spend the night with you?”

It took all of Jeno’s might not to get out his car and raise his fist in the air. But he composed himself. “Are you sure?”

You nodded, wanting to forget all about Xiaojun and have one thoughtless night with Jeno. “Yes.”

Jeno drove you two to his penthouse suite. He was cautious around you and you were ready to shrug away your inhibitions.

Jeno helped you remove your coat at the entrance. “Take a seat. I’ll get you some water.”

You sat yourself on the couch and opened your legs wide, exposing your panties underneath your skirt. “Jeno, fuck me right now so I can forget his sorry ass.”

Jeno hesitated then but seeing how irresistible you were...He couldn’t help himself.

He asked again. “Are you sure?”

You nodded. You were buzzed but not that buzzed. You wanted to spite Xiaojun. You wanted to acknowledge the part of you that longed for Jeno for so long, too. You’d be stupid to deny that you fantasized about a night with him.

You hesitated before but now you said, why the hell not?  

You and Jeno made love that night. Jeno was over the moon that you were finally in his arms. Sure it was a rebound but the look in your eyes when he was inside you had to mean something. There was a promise there and Jeno held onto that glimmer of hope.

Jeno took you home the next day and he was very cool about the whole night. Right before you returned home. you reminded him about how this was a one night stand and thanked him for a wonderful night.

You were resolute in dumping Xiaojun and simply going back to work. Thankful you only ever worked for Jeno anyway. And as expected, Jeno was his usual self: cocky, flirty, sending his food back for random reasons.

Xiaojun came under the fire for going to a hotel with a potential prostitute. The identity of the woman he was seen with remained a mystery. He tried convincing everyone that the woman was not a prostitute but he couldn’t remember how he met her or what she looked like. That night and along with how crazy Xiaojun sounded caused the company to encourage him to leave. Xiaojun’s contract with LCF Entertainment was terminated.

The week after you and Jeno made love...You started catching feelings for him. Every glance. Every fleeting touch. It drove you mad. And suddenly that one night stand was something you wanted again. And again. And again.

You accompanied Jeno and his manager as he attended a gallery opening. You were in charge of his photos for his social media. He looked extremely dapper in his red suit. You just wanted to rip his clothes off and make love to him in front of all of the guests. Becoming a work of art yourselves.

These thoughts you’ve been having used to scare you but now...you owned them. Tonight, when you got him alone, you would tell him how you really felt. You hoped you weren’t too late.

Jeno’s manager excused himself to get some refreshments. Jeno observed a painting while you took some more photos.

“Stunning,” you said aloud.

Jeno’s eyes grew at your words. “Wow, y/n...All the years we’ve worked together and you’ve never made a comment about my looks…”

Your face grew warm then. “I’m feeling a little bolder these days…”

He grinned. “Is that so?”

“Jeno, I won’t beat around the bush…I haven’t stopped thinking about you since that night…”

“Y/n…”

“I know I said it was a one night stand and...You’ve moved on…”

Jeno started, “I haven’t…”

You were shocked to hear it. “Really?”

He moved closer to you and moved the camera away from your line of sight. “What are you saying, y/n?” His voice was dangerously low.

“I’m saying...that I want to be with you, Jeno.”

Jeno’s smile looked so gorgeous then. He was the true work of art at the gallery. “Well, y/n, I’ve made my feelings abundantly clear for a while now…”

He kissed you then. And the cameras started flashing.

You were on cloud nine. You finally released your suppressed feelings for the rockstar before you.

___

You’ve been together for two years now. He made you feel safe and loved. He showered you with gifts and trips to the most beautiful parts of the world.

As for the response from netizens and the company? Jeno had all the power and he could handle a few naysayers. Your job as his photographer and videographer remained intact. And you were well on your way to transitioning to your own film projects: your dream.

You and Jeno had become a couple to root for. They called you The Prince and The Pauper Turned Princess. You hated your label but whenever you looked at Jeno’s eyes, any anxiety or anger quickly faded.

Jeno had a solo performance in your city tonight and you were seated in a private booth. He was performing so well, moving from instrument to instrument. Driving people to tears with his long low notes. And then he surprised everyone with his announcement.

“Before I perform ‘Changed Your Mind’, I want to give a shout-out to the woman of my dreams, y/n, who is here with us tonight.”

The stadium roared in excitement and many heads turned to you. Your eyes never left Jeno.

“Y/n, I love you so much. We’ve come so far, baby. And I want us to never stop. Which is why…”

He got down from the stage and was escorted by security down to the crowd. He ran his hands past adoring fans as he made his way to you.

He entered your booth with his camera crew and security close by. “Y/n, will you marry me?”

You cried out, “Yes!”

Jeno picked you up and spun you around. You kissed passionately. The crowd’s roars thundered now. It was a celebration. You didn’t care that all eyes were on you now, as well. All you cared about was Jeno. And he loved you more than anything else in the world.

You truly found your soulmate and you couldn’t be happier.

___

Jeno finished his show and was backstage cooling down with a bottle of water.

“Good job tonight,” a woman said as she stood at the door of Jeno’s dressing room.

“Thank you, sis. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

Jeno’s older sister Yeeun sat on the couch of the dressing room. “How does it feel to have her in your clutches now?”

Jeno smirked. “Pretty damn great.”

“And I’m here to collect my payment, little brother.”

Jeno sighed. “Really? It’s been two years.”

Yeeun looked at her manicured nails. “I’ve been busy.”

Jeno laughed. “Screwing over taken men? I’m sorry, I meant screwing taken men?”

“Nope. That task was a one-and-done deal. How is that poor boy doing these days?”

“Xiaojun? He’s back at school getting his master’s...He’s happy.”

“Has he tried to contact y/n since then?” Yeeun asked.

Jeno chuckled. “No. Why would he?”

She smiled at him. “They were sweet together. And you tore them apart because you couldn’t take no for an answer, could you?”

Jeno rolled his eyes. “And what about it? I have a right to get whatever I want. Do you know who I am?”

Yeeun sighed. “Yes, you repeatedly tell the family group chat who you are every week. And we all take it because you pay us well…”

Jeno and Yeeun had conspired against you and Xiaojun. Jeno stole Xiaojun’s phone and Yeeun charmed Xiaojun to join her for a night at the hotel. Jeno planned for you to go to Osaka Moon so you could see Xiaojun and Yeeun together.

Jeno watched you as you broke down in tears, calling each of his bandmates. He made sure he was far enough away by the time you called him. He played the part of a concerned friend very well. He had to take up acting, another field he would surely dominate. And with you as his director? It made him hard just thinking about it.

Jeno didn’t coincidentally find you at the bar. He’d been tailing and that stranger who hit on you was only an added bonus. Jeno could play the unsuspecting hero and you would eat it up. And that you did. He was satisfied to know that you wanted to sleep with him. He didn’t care about being a rebound.

Even so, he wasn’t going to take any chances. So after you left his penthouse the next morning, he took the bedsheets you came on and the strands of hair you left behind and got to work.

Did you really think Jeno amassed such success and wealth all on his own? He had a little help from his family and their friends from Hell, of course. Jeno’s family came from a long line of Satan-worshipping witches. Jeno was the youngest of the descendants.

Human sacrifice was only a small token of the Lee family’s appreciation to Lucifer. So Jeno’s deception of Xiaojun was almost nothing in the list of gruesome things Jeno has done to reach the top of his game.

Yeeun was able to literally charm Xiaojun with her own special concoction. Once she and Xiaojun had sex, she wiped his memory of that hour and left him alone at the hotel. Confused. Disoriented. Worried.

As for you? Well, you were the most irresistible creature in this world. Your immunity to his charms was only the first step in his growing feelings for you. You were brilliant and talented at your craft, always capturing his best features on camera. You were gorgeous. He was surprised you didn’t become an idol at LCF yourself. You were warm and sweet and giving. Even if the company was cutthroat, he saw how you’d be with your coworkers and the other idols. You were just a pure, loving girl. And he desperately needed you. Desired you. Craved you.

He simply had to call you his.

With your samples, he was able to create the perfect spell to make you his.

Forever.

That was what Jeno called true love.

[Fin]

[metawish]

Family x Hunter: My mini analysis about family relationships in HxH

I am a HUGE sucker for found family troupes and family-oriented stories. There just aren't enough stories to explore the nature of those relationships and how influencial they can be to our development as people. For those of us who's primary relationships are our families, we're left out of the dialouge.

So imagine my surprise when Hunter x Hunter ended up being the anime I can't stop thinking about precisely because of the MULTIPLE family relationships and psudorelationships that happen throughout the plot. Imagine my double surprise when it turns out those family relationships are prioritized and emphasized in the anime over others like the all too popular friendship.

Written for the Carnival of Aro’s Jan 2021 Theme: Stories

Take the premise as a starting point. Gon decides to become a hunter, not because it's cool or because he wants to find some rare cool thing he's never seen before. No, instead, he wants to become a hunter to get closer to his absent father. The ENTIRE show only happens because Gon is driven by a desire to connect with and forge a relationship with his father. I think I can safely say that the family aspect of Hunter x Hunter is embeded into it's core.

Then take a look at the reasons the other main four choose to become hunters. Kurapika is hoping to avenge the massacur of his family clan, a clan that does not interact with the outside world. His entire character arc and development is based on this goal of seeking revenge.

Killua is at the Hunter exam because he heard it was easy. But then we learn, he left home because he wants to REJECT his family obligation to take up the family business.

"Okay, fair," I hear you all say, "but what about Leorio? He just wants money."

Let me help you connect the dots here. First, he claims he wants to become a hunter because of the money. Then we learn he wants to use that money to become a doctor and then provide free medical treatment for those who cannot afford it. THEN we learn that this motivation STEMS from a childhood incident where a best friend of his ended up dying from a treatable illness because he couldn't afford the medical treatment neccessary. Leorio decided then that he did not want anyone else to experience that, tried to go at it the normal way, and realized that it would be nearly impossible for him to afford it. Any average person might end up giving up on this dream, but Leorio was so dedicated to his goal that he ended up training to become a hunter, a physically and mentally strenuous task. JUST so he can get access to more money.

If anything, Leorio's the one who's most motivated by platonic relationships! While Kurapika,Gon, and Killua's motivations are based on obligations to family, Leorio's motivation is only suggested. It isn't like this friend is still alive and Leorio is obligated to save him. No one but Leorio is beholden to the completion of his mission. The strength in that bond has to be strong for him to go to the lengths he did.

AND THIS IS ONLY THE VERY BEGINNING!

Gon's arc goes from becoming a hunter to finding his dad. Kurapika disappears from the story precisely because he is off getting revenge. Killua's development as a character entirely rests in the way he navigates between his family, with entire plots surrounding the Zoldyks. Leorio reenters the narrative JUST to show how deeply he cares for Gon and Killua, and serves as a nice foil to Ging, Gon's father.

I physically cried during Killua's final arc, when he apologized to his youngest sister, asking for her forgiveness after being a "bad big brother." Killua went from essentially running away from home rejecting his family, to asking for forgiveness from a cherished family member. And the nuance inbetween! Freeing himself from his oldest brother's mind control. Finding common ground with his father that, at least in the anime, never gets used against him. Rejecting the family business without rejecting the family. While it still feels incomplete, the joy at seeing him reconnect with a family member and promise to always be together forever made the little shrivelled starved heart of mine swell satisfied.

Killua is a perfect example of the story focusing on his family relationships over his friendships, or at the very least, implying that those family relationships are more important than those with his friend. Does Killua leverage the fact that he made a pact with his dad to never abandon a friend? Yeah. But the fact is that he still went to his family for help.

In the last episode, he tells Gon, his first and only friend, that they have to part ways since he has to protect his little sister. He even says that she comes first before Gon. After struggling to understand if Gon is as committed to him as Killua was to him, he finds closure in his little sister's dedication and wholesome affection. (When he asks Alluka if he was the only one in the whole world that loved her, would that be enough, her response was that she couldn't stop smiling. Because the answer was yes. And perhaps, it was also a question for Killua. Is Alluka's love for him enough?)

And Leorio. LEORIO. As I said, he disappears from the narrative, largely because his mission and Gon's are not the same. But when Gon is out of commission, Leorio comes back into play. The PLOT is affected by this decision and MOVES because if this. Leorio was simply trying to find a way to help his friend, and decides to publically ask his father where he is during such a critical time. Leorio's emotions at Ging's lack thereof ends up putting him in the spotlight, a spotlight he uses every time to seek answers for Gon and to reaffirm his commitment to saving Gon. As much as I HATED the slowmotion, the reunion between Leorio and Gon after Gon's been healed was felt deep in my SOUL. Contrast that QUITE LITERALLY with Ging's reaction and we have the potential for some major character development and storytelling about what a family relationship really is about.

Do we have to earn those familiar relationships? Are we expected to commit to people who are not committed to us simply because they are blood? Can we reject them? Is Killua's reject of his oldest brother over their younger sister a conflict that cannot be solved? Can we form them with strangers? Who is more of a stranger to Gon; his absent dad or the guy he met on a ship headed to an exam? Are we obligated to our family duties like Killua and the family business or Kurapika and his life destroying hunt to avenge his dead family?

Kurapika's story felt a little flat, which is a shame because there is so much potential to explore! The struggle to avenge his clan stems not from his clan, but from his own trauma and pain. His family was ripped right under him, leaving him no one to rely on. Instead of form new relationships, he rots along with his family. In a sense, his disappearance from the narrative represents his character regression, fading from existance like his family.

From a family taken away, to a father who was never there in the first place. Gon's story feels incomplete. Feels a bit like Gon's growth as a character is secondary to the advancement of the plot. Feels like sweeping major issues under the metaphorical rug and calling it a fun show. This man never once visited his son. When leaving a recording for his son, he flat out told Gon he did not want to see him at all. During his time in the hospital, never once did he visit. Sure, we see him remain confident that Gon is alright, but is this confidence misplaced? Is this even true confidence in a person he's never met before? I feel like I am missing a giant piece of the puzzle explaining why Gon, a 12 year old boy who had no male figure in his life, easily accepts Ging.

Let's not forget how Gon didn't even WANT to learn more about his birth mother, a mystery that we will never solve. Just another example of trying to answer what family means. Mito is an aunt, but to Gon, Mito is his mother. (Yet Ging can still be his father? Why not Leorio? A far more deserving man of any affection whatsoever.)

How the story should go. After meeting up with Ging, he continues to go on an adventure with him. As they travel through the far more dangerous continent, Gon faces death multiple times. All this while Ging continues without regard for his safety. Gon reflects, thinking back to his friend Killua, who would attack Gon if it was to protect him. Who called him the sun. Back to Leorio, who hugged Gon like he mattered. Who said he was sorry for not being there for him. As they continue on, he reflects on who really matters. A call for help from his friends. Does he answer the call or remain by his father's side?

What makes a familiar relationship? Blood? Obligation? Depth of affection? Trust? Who makes or breaks those ties? How much do we grow from those relationships?

Hunter x Hunter exceeds my expectations, but also fails to live up to the story it sets itself up to be. I never thought I'd see such an incredible character development that centers on family. I hoped for something on the Ging & Gon front, perhaps as a means of exploring my own thoughts on the matter. Sorely disappointed. I think about this anime often because there is still much left to the imagination. A story unfinished. Perhaps that's what makes it a good story; especially one that decides to kick the standard and focus on a relationship that all of us have dealt with, but many of us overlook.

Is this show good? Debatable. What isn't debatable is how important family is to the plot and character development of the show. Maybe, in an alternative world somewhere, there is a satisfying ending where Gon acknowledges his own family trauma. He realizes how important his friends are, maybe seeing them more as his own family. Kurapika's revenge slowly fizzles out, instead replaced by the need to protect what's still alive. Killua resolves his family issues while remaining true to himself and Leorio adopts Gon.

Maybe the real family is the one we make along the way.

[tentacletherapissed]

Public Callout: Paradox, Blue, Jay, Bird

This is a public callout post for users Paradox (@rushifaas -- previously @mournins ; @beliisms), Blue (@divinebetrayed ; @halcyonfought), Jay (@loyalbetrayed) and Bird (@soulsbetrayed). They are active in the fandoms Persona, Fire Emblem, Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, Danganronpa, Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor, Sentai, Power Rangers, and Kamen Rider. 

Never in my 15 years of roleplaying have I met a group of abusers and enablers so toxic, and this post is a PSA so that I can hopefully keep others from falling into their hands. Please blacklist them ALL for your own safety, however, DO NOT ENGAGE THEM WITH HARASSMENT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. 

Keep in mind, Paradox’s actions are so egregious, he is already getting charges pressed against him by two different people he abused so far, and more may be on the horizon. The rest all enable this behavior and defend him despite all that he’s done to harm them and people they previously called friends. While this callout has snapshots of receipts proving our claims sprinkled in at the mention of them, for full transparency, the full comment chains will be uploaded at the end so that context for everything will be supplied, with censoring only provided for those who have nothing to do with the conflict and wish to be left out of it.

Strong trigger warning for mob mentality, mental and emotional manipulation, emotional abuse, emotional neglect, transphobia, pedophilia, ableism, and a lot more. Details under the cut.  (7,300+ words, be mindful) 

[Gdoc link in case Tumblr’s formatting is unreadable]

OPEN ALL LINKS AS NEW TABS, I’M SORRY TUMBLR SUCKS AT THIS

Note: Paradox claims to have Dissociative Identity Disorder, and claims to have many alters which are sometimes go by the names of Abel, Vic, Nikki, Hebel, Cain, and Ana in some of these screencaps. I will not be arguing the veracity of such claims in this callout, but for simplicity’s sake, I will be referring to everyone in his system solely by the name of “Paradox” since there is a considerable amount of confusion based on who said what and it’s not entirely clear who’s supposed to be talking in a lot of these screenshots. He also claims to have several other mental disorders like depression, anxiety, and BPD, but regardless of anyone’s mental illness, they should treat those around them with respect and kindness, which is why this callout has been made.

________________________________________________________________

MAIN EVENT - Early September 2018 / June 10th

Paradox is the ringleader of this little cult. A few months ago, he was dating my friend Nael (occasionally called Arin, Ciel, Naoya or Hevel in some of these screens). I first got alarmed about the health of their relationship during an incident in early September 2018 where Paradox threatened to commit suicide over a conflict having to do with RPing and prioritizing one blog over one he liked. [September Break Up: Singles] They broke up, but after a lot of guilt tripping from Paradox and others in his group, my friend Nael decided to get back together with him. Even though I had a lot of misgivings about the situation, I told Nael that I respected their decision and wouldn’t pressure them either way. [Scout and Nael: 12, 13]

Months went by, and I didn’t hear much due to specifically asking Nael not to tell me about their significant other and that group of friends, but things were going downhill. There were many more fights over roleplaying and shipping, some of which Blue and Jay expressed concern about privately, especially since it seemed Paradox himself was ignoring his other lover Kieran for Nael. [For Me: 13, 15, 16] 

Paradox’s behavior continued worsening until it came to a head in mid March 2019. Blue and Nael were getting invested in an rp campaign I was running on a private server. When Nael showed off a picture they drew portraying their character, Paradox became extremely upset at them. After a solid week of enduring abuse from their lover [Abel Suicide: 1, 2, 6], it eventually culminated in Paradox apparently trying to take his own life after Nael attempted to break off their relationship. [Abel Suicide: 22, 23, 24] Nael was able to contact their mutual partner Kieran (sometimes called Kie or Vampy in screens) so that he could send the police to Paradox’s home and he would be rushed to the hospital. [Nael: 11]

Nael has multiple health issues that include heart disease and problems with their brain, and was so traumatized by the experience, they had to go to the hospital themselves [Nael: 19, 20 ; Before / After Suicide: 43]. Because I was terrified at the possibility of Nael dying from the escalating nature of their toxic relationship, I urged them to go through with the breakup. Nael decided to take my advice and broke up with Paradox and Kieran on a group chat while on a screenshared call with me and another friend who wishes to remain nameless. [Before / After Suicide: 46]

Blue was at first on board for the breakup and supportive of Nael’s decision [Blue Agrees: Singles] but at the persuasion of Jay decided to believe Paradox’s story when he said Nael had misrepresented what he said when he told Nael he would probably drop Blue due to the breakup. [Copy of Group DM: Full] Keep in mind, we have the FULL attempted suicide dropbox [Abel Suicide: Full], and the breakup conversation including Paradox’s abusive behavior before the attempted suicide attempt. [Before/After Suicide: Full] Much of what Paradox says are blatant falsehoods. In addition, Kieran (Vampy) no longer agrees with the things he has said to support Paradox’s argument and says he was pressured to agree with everything, even if it didn’t feel right.

So instead of making it clear to either of us that Blue no longer considered us friends, she instead gave us the silent treatment and leaked what I vented to her in confidence to Paradox behind my back. She only admitted to doing this when I confronted her after finding a vague post Paradox made that used the exact same wording. [Scout vs Blue: 1, 3, 4] I was extra furious with her because Paradox was making it sound as if it was Nael saying those words when in fact they had no idea what I said to her and was highly distraught when they found out about the vague post. Her excuse was that she didn’t think we would find out. [Scout vs Blue: 7, 9]

This is a common theme with their relationship that shows the extent of how complicit Blue is with Paradox’s abusive behavior. Due to her once close relationship with Nael, she often served as the “bait” to bring Nael back, agreeing that the relationship is unhealthy at first [With Blue: 12] only to go back to heaping abuse on Nael for leaving and trying to persuade them to come back [Nael’s Last Conversation with Blue: Full].

By then, Nael had already blocked everyone else in the cult-like group except Blue due to a promise they’d made to her, and she abused this trust right away by pulling Nael into a group chat so that everyone could yell at them. [Scout vs Blue: 10, 11] IF YOU BECOME A PART OF THIS GROUP, THIS IS WHAT YOU CAN LOOK FORWARD TO. If you do anything to provoke Paradox’s ire, you will be subjected to a firing squad full of people yelling at you for whatever you did. You will not have a chance to defend yourself, only grovel for forgiveness until they decide they’re through with you. Nael and other members of the group have been subjected to it many times.

Unfortunately, there are no surviving screencaps of this particular dispute, but I do have the one I was involved with. More on that later.

Eventually Nael left and blocked Blue so that they couldn’t be added back to get yelled at more. For the sake of our RP, we agreed upon a peaceable way to continue the server RP [Scout vs Blue: 12, 13, 14, 15, 16] but Blue eventually exited that too [Scout vs Blue: 17]. During the three or so weeks they were split apart, Paradox vagued continuously about us, copied our behavior and prior ships he had with Nael with others currently in his cult, and sent Nael threatening and unstable messages [“Goodbye, Nael”: Single]. While behind their back, he was privately making light of the situation and even made bets with his stooges about when Nael would return [Betting: Singles].

Here’s where I have to put an important disclaimer: During Nael’s time away from the main cult, we both would snoop on his and Blue’s blogs to see if they had mentioned us. Also, during the period immediately after Blue sold me out to Paradox, I became enraged and sent him a pretty angry message [Scout Loses Their Mind: Single], commented on one of his posts, and indirectly threatened them with my popularity compared to theirs in the community I was in. All of those things were the direct result of piss poor decision making and I apologize for my behavior, because it was simply not right to do, no matter who I thought I was defending. Though the blog snooping continued, I thankfully sent no more harassing messages to anyone from the group once Blue indicated she wanted a clean break from us, and no vaguing messages were made on either of our blogs.

Worse still, I privately speculated if this latest suicide attempt Paradox had gone through was “real” or not, which is totally unacceptable. Though I was just concerned about my friend and worried that this might have been another attempt to manipulate them, all threats of suicide should be treated seriously and the proper authorities contacted, PERIOD, regardless of how “serious” the threat might seem. I definitely agree with Nael’s decision to contact the authorities as it was happening, and I’m relieved to know another life wasn’t tragically lost, no matter what my situation is with Paradox after the fact.

Now, with that out of the way… Eventually, Paradox was able to get through to Nael by convincing them that I had lied about a certain mental disorder he was assumed to have. This is all despite me never having said he didn’t have it as I do NOT have the medical condition described and am NOT a medical professional. Paradox willingly passed medical records through a mutual friend [Consent: Single] that Nael initially found convincing but has recently come to doubt. Note: PLEASE NEVER DO THIS, OBVIOUSLY.

Paradox then convinced Nael to pretend to be my friend for a little longer so that he could lure me into a groupchat under the impression that I was defending him from all his former friends. Here is the entire chat almost in its entirety (a few glitches in captures results in a few repeats and nearly 4 minutes straight of lost content), with screenshots proudly taken by BLUE [Her Discord Drop: Single], who played an instrumental role in helping it happen. While I would encourage everyone to read it in its entirety, please be warned that the amount of abuse I endured is very troubling. [Scout Trap: Full] 

Please note that Nael (Hevel), Kieran (Ghostie), and Dave have all come to me and personally apologized to me for their role participating in that group chat and we are friends now. But at the time due to this traumatic experience, my friendship with Nael was officially ended. Even though I was worried sick about them, I knew they couldn’t be saved until they saw Paradox’s abusive behavior for what it was on their own. And of course, after a brief honeymoon period, the abuse started again. (Keep in mind, I wasn’t in contact with Nael or anyone else for most of these, so I’m not as familiar about what happened and when.)

The first sign of trouble started on April 16th, not even two full weeks after I had been "defeated". Once again, it was over RP drama, where Paradox became upset at his two lovers Nael and Kieran for shipping with anyone besides him [Initial Ship Drama: 6], even though he usually continues multishipping on his blog with certain people when he pleases. [With Blue: 2] He complained about this endlessly. [Random Paradox Screen]

He continuously gaslit Kieran for about a week, cycling between saying he was going to leave forever [Initial Ship Drama: 9], telling the Kieran to take care of Nael [Initial Ship Drama: 10, 27], giving conflicting directions [Initial Ship Drama: 22, 38], putting himself down so Kieran would feel compelled to console him [Initial Ship Drama: 30, 41, 58], and asking them not to try to pursue romance with him [Initial Ship Drama: 12, 13, 32, 63], only to flip around and say that the idea of romancing them makes him feel “happy”, so he will [Initial Ship Drama: 45, 46], then become upset when either one of them indicated they might need space to either think or just live life like normal. [Initial Ship Drama: 53] Really, the entire thing has to be seen to be believed. [Initial Ship Drama: Full]

Eventually, Paradox’s behavior got so bad that once again, Blue expressed dissatisfaction with his behavior [With Blue: 4], but apparently it wasn’t enough to dissuade her from luring Nael into yet another trap to be yelled at barely a month later on May 17th. [May 17th: Full] 

Confusingly, the reason behind this collective thrashing was that Nael actually overcorrected too much and tried to do more stuff with Paradox, only to be called clingy and possessive when they did. Then, when Paradox told Nael he didn’t want to RP with them anymore, Nael tried to respect his decision and not get involved with group RPs that Paradox was involved with so there would be no pressure either way. This was then held up as an example as to why they were “isolating” themselves from the group. Paradox showed the screencaps to others in the group with very little context to get them riled up and angry at Nael so that they’d be on board to yell at them, again showing his willingness to twist someone’s words to make them a convenient villain, no matter what they do to try to appease him.

Then on May 24th, there was the supposed “death” of the alter “Abel”, (who has since returned yet again). [Paradox: 2] The source of all this drama was that Blue simply mentioned a ship that she was continuing with Nael during a period of time Paradox wasn’t at all receptive to the idea of them interacting. Blue freely admitted to being the source of this conflict in private [With Blue: 21], but had no problem letting Nael take the brunt of the abuse. Once again, she is complicit for enabling actions she knows are wrong and hurtful, judging by the way she expresses concern about them, as long as she’s not the one in the eye of the storm.

Following this conflict, Nael started having serious second thoughts. After getting yelled at yet again about something they didn’t even cause, they had to go to the hospital for a near suicide attempt due to all the stress of being repeatedly attacked by someone they thought they could trust. 

After they got out again, they were pulled into a smaller group chat with the newly formed “Paradox” alter as well as Jay, where it was demanded he answer for the wrongful death of an alter that has since returned. Multiple times, Paradox held up the incident from September, (which was over 9 months prior!) as to why Nael was to blame for Blue’s actions this time. [Paradox: 8, 10] Paradox even told Nael, someone who had been in the hospital just a few short hours ago [Paradox: 5], that their “suicide held no meaning to him”. [Paradox: 32] All of this despite the fact that they had talked about the very same ship on May 6th! [Proof Abel Knew: 10 total]

This was also supposed to serve as yet another “My heart is telling me not to get in a relationship with you” conversation -- a breakup convo, and one their third lover, Kieran, hadn’t even initially been invited to. [Paradox: 59] It was mostly just Paradox yelling at Nael with Jay usually only chiming in to agree with or heap praise on Paradox. [Paradox: 67] Several times, Paradox made confusing reversals, at one point musing “another alter might come and love you again” [Paradox: 49] to going back to insisting they could never be together again [Paradox: 70], then accusing Nael of saying they don’t love him [Paradox: 45, 46]. You might remember this erratic pattern from his conversation with Kieran back in April. This is gaslighting in its purest and ugliest form.

Clearly after this, Nael was rattled and eventually decided to leave. Instead of making any sort of formal goodbye, they just decided to delete their old Discord and make a clean break so there was no way they could be dragged into another group chat and yelled at. The group quickly fell into chaos once again. Paradox quickly began pumping out venting vague posts on his personal and RP blogs, sometimes pitying himself over the way Nael had apparently treated him [Single: Singles], and sometimes outright wishing death on them. [Paradox die: Single] Before long, he cracked and started sending desperate messages to Nael directly despite Nael obviously not wanting to talk. [Paradox Desperation: Singles] And when that didn’t work, of course Blue was deployed to try to persuade them to come back. [Last Convo w/ Blue: 22 pages] Luckily Dave warned them beforehand. [Thanks, Dave!: Single]

To try to convince others in the group that Nael was the bad guy and needed to be stopped, Paradox began feeding lies to his followers about bad stuff Nael was apparently doing. Paradox told Dave that Nael had been badmouthing him behind his back. But when Dave went to confront Nael about their behavior, Nael provided proof that was in fact Blue saying bad things about Dave. That’s when Dave decided to leave, too.

More chaos happened within the group. Soon after, Kieran the supposed third in their relationship got tired of Paradox constantly saying how Nael was “the only person he could ever love” as well as the constant torrent of irrational behavior and abuse. [Paradox Flipping Out: Single] So he left, as well. Aside from many, many more aggressive venting and vague posts, nothing much new has happened as far as group dynamics.

So far Paradox has been mostly fixated on Nael’s absence, but without the contributions of everyone who left, this callout wouldn’t be possible, and they should all be commended for their efforts and their courage for coming to me to apologize personally for their part in the abuse I and others have suffered.

As terrible as Paradox’s behavior has been in this retelling of events, mostly centered around Nael’s situation, it’s really only scratching the surface of how toxic this group is. There are many smaller details and other people he’s hurt that couldn’t fit in this brief recap, so here are a few more things you should know about that will hopefully keep you from this toxic group of friends. 

First I’ll talk about the accounts of people who used to be in the group and go into detail about all the people who are still backing Paradox up despite everything he’s done.

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PARTIES INVOLVED

- Other victims -

Kieran:

While Nael took the lion’s share of the abuse from Paradox, it’s important to remember that he was involved with two different people and treated them both badly. Paradox is an outstanding example of what NOT to do when in a polyamorous relationship. 

While there was a brief month long period where everything seemed fine after they started dating on October 23rd, Paradox began heavily playing favorites towards Nael, a pattern that only seemed to get worse over time. Kieran was subjected to long periods of neglect from his lover with Paradox only seeming to remember he existed when he was trying to use Kieran against Nael. Even Blue and Jay noticed this when the relationship was just starting out and rightfully called it out, though only in the safety of a private chat. [For Me: 13, 15, 16] 

Several times during their relationship, when Nael would mess up or try to leave, Paradox would say that Nael was “the only person he could love” (he even wrote a diary about it!) [Copy of Journal: 2 pages] and break things off with Kieran as well. Most of the time without even telling him. However whenever he was trying to condemn Nael about something, he would hold up Kieran to say “What you’re doing is hurting US”, often without Kieran’s consent.

Of course, Kieran was still subjected to the same amount of lies, gaslighting, emotional blackmail, and mental instability from Paradox that Nael had to endure, but the fact is that he was also basically used as a weapon against someone he cared about by someone who was supposed to care about them both EQUALLY.

Ruby:

Ruby is someone who’s been fighting a personal battle with Paradox for years, starting with a dispute that happened, of course, because of an argument about a fictional character. For the past year and a half as of writing this (the harassment started Nov 2017, it is currently July 2019), Paradox has been stalking her blogs and harassing her over this perceived slight. He lied about her to all her friends in an attempt to alienate her from the public, and we have a confession from Nael that says not only was Paradox guilty of sending tons of anon hate towards Ruby even after they had each other blocked, he would send other people (Nael included) to send anon hate after her.

I briefly intervened during this dispute on Nael’s behalf in November 2018 because during that time we were both lead to believe that Ruby was targeting both Paradox and Nael. This is despite the fact that the post Paradox was upset about wasn’t even about him and she barely even knew Nael even existed. Thanks to my help, I was able to negotiate a brief ceasefire that lasted a few months up until Nael’s separation from Paradox in March.

The stalking and harassment started up again as soon as I had been branded an enemy, and eventually it got so bad that Ruby was the first (but not the only) one to announce she is going to try to press charges against everyone still remaining in the group. Although we don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things, and she’s done and said things that were unintentionally hurtful, she has been very receptive to feedback and has made great pains to change for the better. I support Ruby wholeheartedly in her endeavors to make the ones abusing her pay for what they’ve done. If you want to know a little more about her conflict with Paradox from her perspective, visit her page. [Ruby’s page of Receipts: Full]

- Part of Paradox’s group -

Blue:

Out of all the people on this list, Blue is the most disappointing aspect of all this, seeing as I considered her my friend even before Nael came along. We’d been friends for more than a year by the time the March Madness started, meeting somewhere around February 2018. She was the one who introduced me to Nael in the first place, and Nael was so close to her they called each other their long lost siblings. 

Unfortunately for all of us, Blue can’t stand up to a bully who insults and abuses her friends, even if she knows what he’s doing is wrong. We have multiple screenshots showing instances where she admits that Paradox is in the wrong or being annoying or excessively guilt tripping others based on trivial matters. However, whenever she’s personally on the hook for getting targeted by the ones she calls her “friends”, she quickly falls into line. 

The second Paradox asks her to jump, she asks “How high?” She’s been willingly used as bait to rope Nael back into situations she knows and has even admitted are super unhealthy for them, all because she’s too afraid of being the next one everyone turns on. The only time she shows any semblance of “courage” is when she’s backed up by the rest of the hivemind. She’s too afraid to speak for herself, often parroting what others have already written in a desperate attempt to show external strength and total fealty for her master. 

I have to wonder what exactly it is that keeps bringing Blue back to him, even though we have an entire folder showing times where she has come to her own conclusions that Paradox is unhealthy to be around [With Blue: 24 total] and has a penchant for blaming her whenever his relationship with his two lovers ever took a downwards turn. [Paradox blaming Blue: Singles] It’s not my place to speculate, but it’s safe to say that with all the times she’s personally let me, Nael, and others in our group down, there’s no way in hell we’re giving her another chance. She has made her choice to stay with someone she knew to be an abuser and emotional manipulator -- someone who hurt her and her friends -- and she will have to live with that decision.

Bird:

Ruby’s situation with Bird is very much like my situation with Blue, made all the worse by the fact that they were actually dating at the time. Bird purposefully sold Ruby out to Paradox while claiming they weren’t in contact, all the while she was feeding all of Ruby’s words and private thoughts to him. This is a common theme with this group and why you can’t be friends with just one of them if you don’t want to be involved with the cult as a whole. 

Eventually she was found out and hasn’t really bothered to hide the fact that she’s on Paradox’s team ever since. We also have screenshots of her calling Nael a brat and useless during conflicts Paradox started, like the shipping drama in September. [Misc Bird Folder: 9 total] [Ruby and Bird’s Breakup: 16 total]

Jay:

Now we get to the biggest sycophant of the entire group, Jay. She’s been the one by his side the longest -- for a whopping 4 years -- and one of his most ardent supporters and biggest enablers. While I didn’t know much about her at first, seeing as she was largely absent from what I affectionately call the “six-person beat down”, she’s an invaluable member of Paradox’s cult and basically functions as his right arm and messenger.

If you have a problem with Paradox and want to talk things over with him, he’ll usually insist upon bringing Jay as an “impartial judge”. Not surprisingly, she usually just ends up agreeing with whatever he says and pushing his narrative, all the while insisting she’s being unbiased. She will lie for him, rope cult members attempting to leave back with excuses for his inexcusable behavior, and always swallows whatever lie he has to say wholeheartedly. If he needs a message from Abel passed on to someone trying to persuade them to come back, she’ll deliver it gladly. But if you need her to send a message to him, she’ll curtly tell you not to have her “fight your battles.”

She tried to send an entire drop box of “evidence” to Dave attempting to prove Nael was manipulative and evidence of the alter “Hebel's” existence. In it, Paradox (or rather, his alter Hebel) admitted to trying to spur Nael to kill themselves so that “Hebel” could apparently take over and get Kieran all to himself. [Potential Manslaughter: Singles] All of this was sent as proof that NAEL was the bad guy BY Jay, which is truly mind boggling and shows how far gone she is with regards to him. 

There is a woman in prison the very moment that I’m writing this for spurring her suicidal boyfriend to take his own life [Article], and yet Jay thinks this behavior is okay? And before anyone tries to say that Hebel is “technically” to blame for attempting to push Nael to suicide, this argument hasn’t worked in the courtroom since the 1970s! [Article] IF PARADOX’S ALTER IS A DANGER TO NAEL AND CAN’T BE CONTROLLED, PARADOX HIMSELF IS ALSO DANGEROUS. PERIOD.

This isn’t even mentioning the multiple times she’s seen Paradox himself or his other various "good" alters (everyone in the group has seen, in fact) tell Nael outright that he “wishes [they] would die” [Abel Vent: Single] and that their suicide “holds no meaning to him” [Paradox: 32]. Jay was supposed to be “mediating” the very conversation where Paradox -- not “Hebel” or anyone else -- said that to Nael! And she said NOTHING. Her silence is complicity and she should take the blame for being such an ardent supporter of his abusive behavior. 

Amazingly, there’s even MORE awful things that this group (particularly, but not exclusively Paradox) that I didn’t have any space to discuss in the callout itself, but they can’t go unmentioned. I know this is already super long, so I’ll try to run through them all as quickly as possible, and then we can get to the large wealth of screenshots we have linked at the end, where everything is in context for you to browse at your convenience.

________________________________________________________________

OTHER OCCURENCES

Transphobia: Paradox is a terf, and there’s not much else to say. [For Me: 2] Ironically he said this in a group chat with one of the only two people who identify as trans in their group, his then-boyfriend Kieran. Here’s him heavily fetishizing a failed attempted Corrin muse that he described as intersex, too. [FE Abel Problems: 5 pages] (In parenthesis is a user attempting to check their work. He makes a bit of an error concerning outrealms and dragon gates and whatnot, but please forgive him for those small errors considering how much he had on his hands.)

Abuse victim blaming: Paradox would often tell his two lovers, who are survivors of various types of abuse, ranging from mental, physical, and even sexual, how it’s their fault for letting their past traumas affect them. [Victim Blaming: Singles] Please note that these screenshots were taken in May, nearly a month before they separated from him fully, so they would have no reason to lie to each other about the things he said or needlessly malign his character before they left.

Promoting infighting: Paradox enjoyed watching his underlings tear each other apart for his amusement or to influence their behavior by saying their actions affected “everyone” despite him using false pretenses to get them to fight in the first place. He lied to Dave about Nael comparing him to a user that he wasn’t fond of when it was really Paradox and Blue that had done it. He also lied to Kieran and the entire group to get them all to yell at Nael in a group chat about Nael trying to isolate themselves from everyone when it was really done to please Paradox.

Ableism: Nael is unwell and has brain conditions they don’t feel comfortable with sharing. Instead of being understanding and supportive of them occasionally not understanding things or forgetting things, Paradox would immediately use it as a weapon against them. When “Paradox” first surfaced, Nael claimed that it wasn’t fair to them that the “Abel” alter yelled at them for forgetting about their ship with Blue. Paradox immediately countered that he Nael would no longer be allowed to use the excuse that they forgot things to AVOID being yelled at for minor things. [Paradox: 21, 22] He would constantly do things like this while they were together.

Copying and stealing OCs: Besides stalking the people that left and that he’s grown to hate, Paradox also has a peculiar habit of copying their activities on his blog with the few remaining people in his circle. For example, back in March when Nael’s Grima muse began interacting with a Reyson rper I introduced them to, Paradox made Kieran pick up his abandoned Reyson muse so that he could ship him with his Robin. (This hasn’t been linked to protect the identity of the second Reyson.) Worse still, Paradox has even outright stolen characters and backstories from those that leave. Here Kieran tries to ask Jay to tell Paradox to stop using some of his stolen OCs and she questions why it “would matter” to Kieran before promptly telling him to basically take a hike and blocking him. [Jay: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5]

Racism: This group seems to relish in their own ignorance when it comes to matters of race. Here are screenshots Dave took where he discussed Paradox saying that Japanese people are white. [No, seriously: Singles] (Please note the dates -- it was back in December, so he has no reason to lie.) Here’s Nael recounting a time Paradox told them that, because they were partially North African, they had to distance themselves from people of their race because other people would only see them as a terrorist. (No caps of that since it was in a call, so feel free to take it with a grain of salt.) Here’s Blue telling me, a black fan, that unintentional racism in a game I enjoyed but was put off by “didn’t matter” and that there was no need for me to “get so salty about it”. [Scout vs Blue: 19, 20] While I don’t think they’re going to any Klan meetings over the weekend, it’s still a bit concerning and something POC muns should be aware of because they can be startlingly insensitive at times. 

Pedophilia: Probably the hardest one to talk about for me personally, but definitely one of the most serious. While I must stress that we haven’t noticed any sort of untoward behavior with underaged USERS thus far, Paradox shows an almost unhealthy fascination with underage MUSES that might be off putting to some people and may spell danger. This actually isn’t the first callout someone has made about his behavior. In 2018 while he went by the name “Vic” and was in the Pokemon fandom, he wrote a disturbing post where a 14 year old girl was killed by a literal penis monster that was saying “penetrate” as it ran her through the middle. 

Though the mun was fine with their muse dying, the obvious sexual connotations of the post left them feeling uneasy. When they went to approach him about this, instead of apologizing, he got defensive and said that because it was fictional, it didn’t matter. Later he made a bizarre case arguing that because the girl was 14 and thus had presumably experienced puberty, it couldn’t TECHNICALLY be considered pedophilia. [WTF: Single] Which, while correct on only the most technical of terms, flies in the face of all reason. Here’s the full PSA about him back then [Paradox PSA], and screenshots he was booted out of for his terrible behavior. [Paradox Booted: Singles] (His then-lover initially tried to defend him, but his abusive behavior eventually drove them away as well, so care was taken to keep them anonymous.)

Most disturbing of all, though, is a smut drabble that he made this year concerning one of his newer muses, Momo. On his blog, he describes Momo as someone who is “physically” 18 but “actually” seven due to the circumstances of his creation. That would be fine, except he will often portray Momo as also being mentally seven years old even though he continues to write him lewdly. In the smut drabble, he even goes a step further and constantly refers to him as a “child” and constantly fixates on his underdeveloped genitals. 

DUE TO THE HIGHLY GRAPHIC AND POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING NATURE OF THIS DRABBLE, DO NO CLICK UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED. It’s honestly not for the faint of the heart and makes me queasy from the first sentence, but there’s no other way to describe the severity of his awful nature unless you experience it for yourself. [To Endure a Fiend’s Heat: full 6 page drabble]

While some would say it’s okay to experience triggering material in a safe environment to potentially help ease the pain of past trauma, Paradox has already shown himself to be unreliable when it comes to respecting the mental health and safety of others, and though we don’t have any screenshots of this, Nael has recounted several times where Paradox said he was sexually excited by RPing his childlike muses having sex with the adult muses of others in the cult. Here's him once again emphasizing the child like element with one and then drawing them in a suggestive "pin up" pose immediately after. [Vector: Singles]

________________________________________________________________

Finally we are at our end. Once again, my purpose behind this callout is not to shame anyone with a particular mental illness or unique set of challenges. Paradox is dangerous to any community he’s in because of his view of other people as simple playthings that he can use and throw away as he pleases. He treats life as an RP, living people as muses, and his apparent mental illnesses as an excuse to do away with any sort of accountability for his actions, and it is simply NOT ACCEPTABLE. Please protect yourself and others by reblogging this -- I feel as though Nael is very lucky to have escaped this situation with his life. Informing others might save another’s.

Complete, unedited list of references, roughly in the order of mention: 

(Please note that anything labeled “Single(s)” will not have an entry here, as those are the only screenshots we have about them. We got better about capping things as time went on.)

[Scout and Nael Convo: 13 total] When Nael decided to get back together with Paradox the first time in September 2018, I let them know my concerns, but told them I respected their decision, no matter if I agreed with it or not. Looking back, parts of this conversation feel almost prophetic. 

[Didn’t Feel Like…: 9 total] One of Kieran’s first conversations with Paradox. Watch closely how he characterizes the incident in September. He also mentions that his trauma and BPD makes him a sexual fiend, which… idk how others in the community would feel about that.

[For me: 16 total] A loose collection of screenshots Kieran took that shows quite a few odd moments during his time in the cult. That includes Paradox being a terf, Paradox insisting that Kieran to stay with Nael if they broke up (which is something he criticized Nael for suggesting in the March break up, even though Nael only said it once), and Jay and Blue expressing concern for Kieran when Paradox was starting to neglect him back in January. PLEASE MIND THE DATES! They vary page to page sometimes!

[Before/After Suicide: 88 total] A few screenshots showing the tumultuous times immediately before and after the Paradox suicide attempt in March 2019. Afterwards, Nael breaks up with both Paradox and Kieran in no uncertain terms due to the trauma he faced.

[Abel Suicide: 33 total] Paradox’s infamous suicide attempt.

[Nael: 34 total] Nael and Kieran talk as Paradox’s suicide attempt is in progress, and Nael tells Kieran to get the police. Sensitive information blotted out for obvious reasons.

[Scout vs Blue: 25 total] A collection of the conflicts I’ve dealt with in regards to Blue since the incident in March. Also includes her racial insensitivity and back when she agreed with me and Nael before Paradox lied to her.

[Initial Ship Drama: 93 total] Kieran endures like 5 days of nonstop gaslighting from Paradox. At the end (Around page 88) he manipulates Kieran into sparking a confrontation with Nael, telling him to “be assertive” about fixing a problem Paradox caused with his erratic behavior.

[Proof Abel Knew: 10 total] On May 6th, Nael discussed with Paradox or one of his alters about the ship that triggered the May 24th meltdown. Paradox also says that having any ships, including ones that he doesn’t even have to see is unacceptable simply because they exist. He then blames Nael for something Blue brought up. Again. While asking Nael not to blame him for something Blue has done.

[With Blue: 24 total] Kieran talks with Blue about the aforementioned shipping drama, and she immediately expresses frustration and anger with Paradox blowing the whole thing out of proportion. Later she also expresses annoyance with the May 24th incident of the alter “Abel” “dying” due to even more ship drama.

[May 17th: 13 total] Once again, Paradox whips his followers up into a frenzy over Nael, who’s really just trying to do what they were told and prioritize their lover. When they’re told the amount of attention Paradox literally asked for is stifling, they back off, only to be yelled at for it once again. It’s not shown here, but Blue once again acted as a lure to bring Nael into a public flogging.

[Paradox: 72 total] Nael is blamed for the “death” of an alter that has since returned because the alter “wasn’t around” for something they discussed on the 6th of May. This is the introduction to the “Paradox” alter, that I’m assuming now has assumed a fronting role. I don’t really care if that situation has changed since I started writing this.

[Jay: 12 total] Just some screens of Jay kind of being a jerk (mostly in the first set). She won’t tell Paradox to stop stealing someone else’s OCs and stop improperly using Nael’s last name, which is considered legitimate identity theft in France, where he lives! Mind the dates.

[Last Convo w/ Blue: 22 pages] Blue reprises her role as the bait to try to drag Nael back, but they’ve wised up to her game by now. It’s not going to ever work again.

[Jay’s “Evidence” Folder: 122 total] All of the things Jay sent to Dave in order to convince him that Nael was the bad guy. None of it accomplishes that goal. In it there’s a lot of doting between Nael’s alter “Naoya” and Paradox’s alter “Abel”, before Paradox showed the exact same abusive behavior and drove Naoya away as well. Then Paradox’s alter “Hebel” tries to explain his existence. He also admits to attempted manslaughter. So. (Please note: some of these are out of order, and we’re very sorry about this, but it’s not our doing, sorry!)

[Ruby and Bird’s Breakup: 16 total] Ruby tried to get Bird to intervene on her behalf to get Paradox to stop harassing her after she tried making an apology post. Bird totally flaked out, probably due to her dual loyalties to Paradox himself. This spurred a messy breakup between them both.

[Misc Bird Folder: 9 total] Some more random stuff showing Bird and Ruby’s relationship, including her take on Paradox and Nael’s September breakup, where she calls him a “brat”. The entire time during these screenshots, Bird was secretly feeding information to Paradox against Ruby’s will, breaking her trust when she found out. She even told Paradox, Ruby’s abuser, about the new blog Ruby made in order to escape him. That’s why she’s on this callout.

[Discord Server Chat with Blue: 23 pages] The complete chat about the Fire Emblem Heroes event that left me feeling upset about the handling of race in Book 2. While the rest in the server try to be respectful or change the subject, Blue insisted on devaluing my feelings and saying I was accusing her of racism, which was, of course, untrue at the time. Currently, I’m not feeling so generous. (Note: My apologies to fans of Heroes’ Nifl -- I say some strongly worded things here which may be unflattering, but I felt it was important to get the entire conversation down.)

BONUS: [Paradox Guilt Tripping on his birthday: 16 total] In case you needed more evidence of Paradox’s gaslighting behavior, here is him guilt tripping them because Nael, who is not a native English speaker, didn’t understand one video he sent. If this is all it takes to trigger a breakdown, he is probably not ready for a relationship.

[middleclassfashion]

cam

This is very long and I don’t expect anyone to read it. I just needed to put this somewhere.   

I met Cam on America Online when he was 11 and I was almost 12. We hit it off amazingly well. We were both quiet, sensitive and emotional, with brains that never stopped over-thinking. We both felt way more comfortable articulating our thoughts and feelings online rather than with people in real life. We both had passionate feelings about music. And we were both fascinated by the other being from a different country. It felt exotic and so cool. 

We talked every day, for hours. When I was thirteen and my family moved, Cam was one of the few stable forces in my life. I was more socially isolated than I had ever been. I would get home from a horrible day of school, and I’d get on the computer to talk to Cam. Within minutes I’d be laughing, my mood improved. Sometimes we’d talk on the phone. We racked up more than our share of $200 phone bills. Often the phone calls lasted for hours. 

When I was fourteen, he came to visit. His mom came along with him. They stayed at a fancy hotel, and Cam and I ran around the hotel unsupervised being wild and silly. We walked around Union station. I bought a green dress. We looked at black light stuff at Spencer. Our parents took us to a Russian restaurant. After dinner, we begged our parents to let Cam stay at the house instead of the hotel. They agreed. We looked at his Radiohead Ok Computer book. He played Moody Blues songs for me on the stereo. Late that night, we both woke up randomly, met in the hallway, and went outside. We lay on our backs on the driveway and looked up at the sky, talking. It was the perfect weather, just a little bit cool but not cold. We both couldn’t believe we were actually hanging out, in person, in the same country, in the same place. 

After he went back home, we continued to talk almost every day for the next three years. He came to visit again the summer after I graduated high school. This visit didn’t go as well. We ended up fighting a lot, about stupid things. He was intense and serious, criticizing everything I did that wasn’t cerebral, acting like my life was superficial. I told him he acted like an old man and he should just lighten up, be a teenager. At that time I myself was acting very fake, wanting to be accepted by new friends, and I could tell it grated on him. We were both pretty awful, honestly. In the good moments, we ate White Castle burgers (he loved them), watched American Beauty (we’d both watched it many times and were obsessed) and Ghost World (he’d never seen it, and I actually got to see the moment when he switched over from hating it to loving it), shopped at Vintage Vinyl (he camped out in the jazz records section), and hung out at the Rec Plex park. But that visit was tough on both of us, so we didn’t talk much after that. We call them the dark years, about a decade of us occasionally checking in but rarely having those deep endless conversations of our youth.

Around 2013, that started to change. Facebook made it easier. We were both in healthier places. We’d say hi from time to time, see how life was going. In 2015 he got married. In 2016 I quit drinking. That was the year talking became a regular thing again. It was like I had my friend back. We were both more ourselves than ever before, and it made the connection easy again. I am so grateful we were able to reconnect. I have years of conversations I can go back to, preserved on messenger. I know what was going on in his life. I know how he felt about death. I know what his typical day was like. I know all about his studio and what projects he was currently working on. There’s a shared Spotify playlist, handmade CD mixes. Sacred artifacts. 

In the last three years, the conversations began happening later at night. He was out at the pub often, having a drink after working at his studio, thinking about life. We talked about death, about the fear of growing old, about the meaning of life and whether we were both failures for not having careers or making lots of money. We talked about his late friend Tess. We reminisced so much about our youth, especially those two trips. We laughed about how much we fought during the second trip. We talked about the night on my driveway. We shared favorite songs. I sent him MCF mixes, getting his opinion on the songs before EGO was finished. He sent me albums he was recording for bands.

He began to push for a visit. I told him I didn’t have the money or the time for international travel at this point in my life. I didn’t even have a passport. He seemed stressed about it, and repeatedly said he’d like to at least come see me before the end of 2019. I asked him why it was so important to do it before the end of the year. We had so much time. Yeah we were older, but not OLD. We had decades, really. Why not wait for a time when it lined up better with our lives? 

He continued to suggest visits, and I still procrastinated. He told me losing Tess made him realize how fragile life is, and how anybody can disappear at any moment. I tried to understand but I didn’t. We weren’t disappearing. We weren’t old or sick. Everything was fine. We’d see each other eventually. We’d get around to it. 

I can pretty vividly remember when I found out the news. His mom called me. I had a hard time processing what she was telling me. My reaction felt fake, like we were both actors in a play. I found myself slipping into my phony professional work voice. I kept thinking, Cam won’t believe when I tell him I talked to his mom. I couldn’t let go of the belief that I would soon get to speak with him about all of this. It only started to sink in later that day and then the following days. Then the devastation and loss took hold of me, drowning me, and I couldn’t do anything but let it do that. I cried so much, my eyes were constantly dry, my skin was blotchy. I would fall apart for no reason. I could barely be in public. 

Losing Cam made my world feel smaller, darker. Like all of a sudden some of the windows in my home became walls. Things felt quieter and I felt more alone. I thought about all the memories we shared and how now I was alone with those memories. How I had taken for granted this person always at the other end of the phone, and now I was just left with a sad dial tone. 

My parents would bring me food every day, and a lot of days that was the only thing that got me through. My piano teacher brought me flowers. I could feel people afraid to bring it up to me, but I wanted everyone to bring it up. I wanted his name spoken and I wanted them to say that he had died. I wanted to talk about him.

I’m still trying to fully accept the reality that I will never get to see or talk to him again. Some days are easier than others. Sometimes I find myself getting used to him not being around. I find that I’m forgetting exactly what our conversations felt like, and that sends me into a panic. I still find myself trying to bargain with the universe. Like if I can prove to everyone how much I miss him, they’ll bring him back.

It’s hard trying to explain to others what our friendship meant to me. Cam believed in me, reassured me so many times that my songs are something special, that I should continue prioritizing my band. He saw me as someone important to him when I had literally no other friends. We would go to school separately as the quiet kids, then come home and find a comfort and happiness sharing all of the thoughts that we’d kept in our heads all day. 

He was so funny, so smart, so sharp, so thoughtful. His mind never stopped going at full speed. He loved harder and more passionately than anybody I’ve known. He thought about life and death constantly, which was a blessing because it made him fully appreciative, and a curse because he was often very worried. He loved music with his entire being. He loved his wife, his mom, his friends. And he loved me. 

[kimminstudying]

☁ Note: I know it’s kind of late to post what my summer goals were since some of them on the list are pretty much completed already, but I think it’s the perfect time to discuss any goal I have for this upcoming school year! I didn’t want to make two separate posts because they are relatively similar and this way I don’t have to link the posts as a reference. 

Here are my goals from last year and how they turned out. 

☁ Money Goal #1: Save $1,000 Total

This is my first goal because I am so close to it already! To be more specific, I wish to have achieved this by the end of July, since I started my new job in May and I am getting many more hours here than at my old one. Also, I have received some scholarships already, so this is a goal I am sure to achieve. 

Goal #2: Save $2,500 for New Car

This isn’t a highly prioritized goal of mine since I can try to make my car I have now last me another two years. In two years I plan to attend a new college in New York, so I would not need a car there due to public transport and walking. When I come back home or do need a car, it would be better for me to either borrow one from friends or family or to simply rent one. 

Goal #3: Change Banks

Since I am 18 now, I can open up my own account and finally change banks. I’m obviously not gonna go into much detail about this but let’s just say that when I lived with my mom I used the bank that was the most convenient for me and her but now that I live with my dad I’m going to switch to the bank most convenient for me and him now. 

☁ Life Style Goal #1: 1 Book / Week or 3 Books / Month This school year was really time-consuming so I have not read at all since last summer! Obviously, I am not counting my assigned reading, if I were then I would have read a lot. English this year was no joke! I did really well with reading one book a week when I wasn’t in school but if I find that to be too much of a commitment, I’d be happy with three books in a month. I’m getting tired of seeing so many unread books on my shelves, time to cut that list down! Goal #2: Get Back to Healthy Eating Habits! Where I work, we get an employee discount for food in general, but we get more of a discount on healthy food options to encourage better eating habits. This will help me eat right while I am not home, but the challenge is when I’m off of work or going out to eat with my friends. 

Last summer I bought most of my groceries online since they have a lot of gluten-free options there and simply because I don’t feel like leaving my house to go grocery shopping. For those who don’t know or are wondering, I eat gluten-free because I have Celiac Disease, so I kind of have to or else I’ll get really really sick. When school started again, I wasn’t working enough hours to be able to buy my special food so I had to stop and eat what my family bought from the store, which wasn’t many fruits and vegetables and more like microwave dinners and eggs. 

☁ Blogs Goal #1: Post one grammar lesson per week to @kimminstudying 

I’m going to start out small for now with vocab lists or some grammar posts but I hope when the school year rolls around I’ll have more structure to my day and be able to be more productive. 

Goal #2: Post to @chanzicoup and @clemsbaseballcap once a week

I haven’t been ignoring my main blogs, but I have focused more on studying and less on my love for writing over the last few months. I want writing to be a part of my life now and in the future, so I want to try and incorporate it more into my daily routine.

Not to mention, I lowkey wanted to promote my other blogs here, so please check them out and feel free to request anything ;) Or send me some advice! I love learning new things that’ll help me with running other blogs. 

☁ Languages

Goal #1: DuoLingo and LingoDeer once a day

I’ve never had more than a 7-day streak on any of these language apps so I really want to change that for when the school year comes around. It takes at the most ten minutes to complete one session and I know I can make time for that, I just don’t. 

What I should do is instead of scrolling through social media first thing in the morning, I should open up one of these apps and complete a session to help me wake up and to review my skills. 

☁ Money

Goal #1: Continue Saving for Car

All in all, if I don’t save up the money for my car in the summer I hope to continue trying to do so during the school year. Even though I don’t plan on buying a new car, I would like to be prepared for if I get into an accident or if it breaks down to the point where it would be cheaper for me to just get a new car. 

☁ Life Style

Goal #1: Work out at least three days a week

My college, like many others, have a gym that the students can use free of charge. With how I scheduled my classes, I have about an hour and a half break in between them, which gives me plenty of time to study, eat, or to hang out before my day is even over. My last class ends at about 3pm so I can work out for an hour before I go home, with at least most of my coursework for that evening completed.  

Goal #2: Have one day to yourself.

I go to school Monday - Thursday so that leaves me to have Friday - Sunday to myself or to work. When the school year starts my manager told me I would be switching to overnight shifts, so what I hope to do is work overnights Thursday - Saturday and have Sunday to myself. This way I can take extra shifts on days I have classes if anyone calls out or if my boss needs an extra hand or to have a day to relax, reset, or get last-minute work done. 

My boss is also really considerate of her employees who are in college. During finals season, she gives us gift cards that she buys herself and tells us to buy energy drinks or snacks! She even finds other workers from other stores to cover out shifts if we really need to study.  

☁ Blogs

Goal #1: Keep up with posting schedules

I might slip up on this from time to time but with my breaks in between classes, I hope to get at least 15 minutes dedicated to writing, even if that’s all I get to do in one day I think that’s way better than not writing at all. 

☁ Languages

Goal #1: Change Minor to French Language

Currently, my college does offer French classes but there are no teachers for said classes. My advisor and I hope that while my college is merging with another school new teachers will be hired and I can take French classes in my second semester of freshman year.

Goal #2: Listen to Talk to me in Korean and other podcasts when possible

Whether its’s walking to class or on the treadmill, I would like to listen to something other than music. I’m looking at some podcasts right now about case studies or interviews with forensic psychologists that seem interesting.

☁ School

Goal #1: Find clubs to join in

I did quite a few clubs in high school and stuck with some of them all four years. I want to join any organizations that focus on community service and volunteer work but since that’s also what I focused on in high school, I would love to find clubs more centered around my interests.

If my school has a writing club, I would definitely join it along with an ASL club or any form of LGBTQA+ organization. 

I didn’t do sports in high school since on my second day of basketball practice I messed up my ankle and was out for the rest of the season due to surgeries I had to get. I would like to find something that I love to do that would also kind of force me to work out. I like to play sports but I hate the competition and big time commitment that goes along with joining a team, I feel like a club would be perfect since clubs are less mandatory attendance-wise in some cases. 

Also, I could keep going through clubs until I find one I like. It’s not that easy with sports teams. 

Goal #2: Become a tutor and get a tutor. 

I am strong in some fields, but not others. I want to find my strong suit early on so I can tutor, which I also did in high school and met so many awesome people doing. I also know that I am weak in other fields (math cough cough) so I want to get a tutor for them if my grades begin to slip. 

Goal #3: Make the Dean’s List

I don’t really have much of an explanation for this. I’d just really like to make the list since it’s based on performance, extracurricular activities, and attendance. 

[magic-and-moonlit-wings]

Chapter 31: Scrambling

Becoming The Mask

Only about two thirds of the Janus Order's Acadia branch made it to the meeting Stricklander called. His message said that, although the matter was urgent, they should prioritize maintaining their human covers. If slipping out to the meeting would draw undue attention, they were to wait and receive the briefing through other channels.

It was still more agents than they usually had on the base at any one time.

They met in the orientation room. The Changelings picked out seats, wondering in whispers what was so important, some of them grumbling about late-night meetings when they had to get up early the next morning. It would be Monday in half an hour.

Instead of a video, Stricklander stood before them in person. He wasn't wearing a mask. He rarely did. Masks were encouraged but not technically obligatory. Everyone already knew who he was.

"It's been an eventful weekend. Early on Saturday, Killahead Bridge was rebuilt. Bular attempted to retrieve the Amulet of Daylight to reopen the portal and free Gunmar's forces from the Darklands."

There were gasps and hisses of shock. They – the Janus Order should've been told about Killahead's completion in advance, shouldn't they? There were supposed to be announcements. There was supposed to be a warning. Some Changelings had humans they wanted to stash out of the way for the initial invasion. This sounded like they might have to do a rush job.

"Unfortunately, Bular's impatience proved his undoing. He is dead, presumably slain by the Trollhunter."

Stricklander whipped a tarp off a mound of rubble on a wide wooden dolly beside him.

"This is what could be gathered of his remains. He was in a sewer maintenance tunnel near the museum. The museum itself has been raided. Killahead Bridge is lost to us."

That was an unusually fatalistic attitude for Stricklander to take. This must have truly devastated him.

"Do we –?" That was Bernie Sturges, local head of the Alchemy, Chemistry, and Toxicology Department. Bernie gulped and tried again. "Do we know who the current Trollhunter is?"

"That knowledge died with Bular," said Stricklander solemnly. "The goblins who witnessed the battle were not able to report anything useful to that end. We have old intelligence that Kanjigar's son, Draal," there was a beat as several people looked at Nomura, perched perfectly still in the second row, "expected to succeed his father as Trollhunter, but we are currently unable to confirm whether this held true."

Near the back of the audience, Otto suppressed a growl. He could not give in to his own feelings. He had to read the room around him.

Otto could accuse Jim Lake, here and now; Lake who hadn't shown, Lake who was conveniently not on hand to be exposed carrying the Amulet; and Otto would be dismissed as irrational with grief.

Otto could insist on publicly questioning the goblins on what they heard and smelled and saw; the goblins whose idea of important information only occasionally overlapped with anyone else's, the goblins who could barely tell Otto what happened when he already knew most of it, the surface goblins who spoke a different dialect than the Darklands goblins and so most Changelings could barely understand them; and all he was likely to get coherently out of them was their vow to avenge Bular.

Knowledge of the Trollhunter's identity died with Bular. That message was clear. If Otto didn't tread carefully, Stricklander would arrange for him to be 'tragically slain by the Trollhunter' as well.

Arcadia Oaks was clearly Stricklander's territory. None of the other Changelings were questioning his version of events – or, if they were, they had the sense to keep those questions inside their heads.

This was where the Janus Order's cultish nature worked against itself. They were trained to be suspicious of everyone except for their superiors.

"In light of these events," Stricklander continued, "every Changeling with nonessential duties on this base is to go into deep cover. Immerse yourselves in your human lives. We don't know if the Trollhunter knows about us or if they think Bular was operating alone. I don't want any Changeling to be caught and killed, and I especially don't want an enemy to be led right to our base."

He allowed himself an artfully strained chuckle. Otto almost couldn't tell that the strain was the faked part.

"I would have emailed this information rather than calling you all here, if I felt I could trust the encryptions. Having also lost our best means to dispose of bodies, this would also be the worst possible time to draw attention from human espionage groups."

Otto followed Bernie to the wing affectionately dubbed 'the Potions Lab' after they were dismissed.

"Odd, isn't it," Otto commented, "that Stricklander gathered the body himself."

"Maybe they were close," said Bernie noncommittally, rather than suggesting – to Otto, of all Changelings, widely known as the goblins' favourite – that goblins might have done the work. "Neither of them would have advertised that."

Wrong. Stricklander would have lorded that over everyone if it were true. Bular would have let him get away with it, if it were true.

Bernie puttered around their lab, stabilizing and recording the experiments in progress. Otto looked but did not touch. He had no desire to lose a hand.

Even if the brews wouldn't do that, Bernie well might. They had asked once – well, she had, the gender-fluid Changeling was going by 'Bernadette' at the time – she had asked whether a polymorph could regenerate severed limbs. So far as Otto knew, this was not the case, but he had no interest in testing it personally "to create a more scientifically viable sample size".

Then there was the time Bernard had been pestering Otto for tissue samples to see if he could induce shapeshifting by prodding the tissue with a gaggletack before the cells died.

"It works on blood and cheek scrapings, but not hair or nails, probably because those parts are technically dead, even when the hair's plucked out with the follicle, but that's all with regular Changelings, see, and polymorphism introduces huge variables and I want to see what happens."

Changelings didn't know enough about their own anatomy for Bernie to feel confident performing surgery to take samples from internal organs, so at least Otto hadn't had to fend off requests of that nature.

Otto would have preferred to approach someone else first, but Bernie had been the only one to ask any questions when Stricklander told them Bular was dead, which suggested they might also be the most open to questioning their leader.

"I will be questioning the goblins on what they saw," said Otto, realizing he was being ignored.

"We don't have any truth potions or memory aids on site," said Bernie. "Never did confirm the truth potion was even real. It might just lower inhibitions and reduce capacity for complex thought. Which is the last thing a goblin swarm needs." They cleared their throat. "They're impulsive."

"Bular has defeated many Trollhunters. I wonder if the new one thought to poison their weapon. If so, I will need your help identifying the toxin."

"… Can you get me access to his remains? If we're not making him into Grave Sand, I won't have an excuse to examine him. We should rope Stephan in. I mean, crematoriums don't do autopsies, but he works with morticians."

Otto didn't know who Stephan was, but nodded anyway. His network was beginning.

Barbara woke up with her glasses askew. She must have forgotten to take them off before bed. She sat up and removed them, wiping the smudges with a handful of her bedsheet. She looked reflexively towards her bedside table.

No breakfast.

Right. Jim wasn't home.

She dressed and went downstairs. Even she couldn't ruin a bowl of cereal.

Unless she let the milk spoil, she realized, when her first bite was sour. She'd have to tell Jim to – she would have to go grocery shopping.

There was also an apple pie in the fridge. It wasn't the most nutritious choice, but a slice of pie was healthier than skipping breakfast entirely.

It was easier at work. Barbara was good at compartmentalizing (most of the time) and work meant she didn't have to think about – home. (Jim.) (Jay-Jay.) (How she hadn't brought a lunch and by the end of the day was running on bad coffee and a bag of vending machine chips.)

She would adjust. She would. It was just hard right now because it was a fresh change.

Jim skipped lunch.

"Claire doesn't want to see me right now," he told Toby. "I'm going to hide out in Mr Strickler's office."

"He won't wonder about that?"

"I … I need to talk to him about some stuff. I …" Jim looked around and leaned in closer to Toby and dropped his voice, not quite to a whisper. "I know I'm hundreds of years older than her, but I do think of Mom as … well, my mom. Mr S is a teacher, so he knows how to talk to kids who're fighting with their parents. Nana's great and all but I, I need to, to talk to a grow-up human who's more outside the situation."

"Didn't you say he also has a crush on Dr L?"

Jim's eyes widened and his breathing got shallower. If they weren't in public Toby might have hugged him – Jim liked an anchor when he got upset. He settled for patting Jim's shoulder.

"Well, all the more reason to tell him, right? So he knows now's not a good time to talk to her."

He was trying to cover something up again. Toby gritted his teeth and let Jim bail on him.

"Jim's not coming," he told Darci and Claire and Mary. "He's hiding in Strickler's office. I'm like, ninety percent sure Strickler's a Changeling, but Jim says he can't tell me who is or isn't."

Mary nodded and got up. "I'll go snoop."

"Wha–?"

"I got this."

"She's good," Darci agreed, waving goodbye.

Claire took Mary's sandwich and started cutting the quarters into narrow, bite-sized strips. Toby recognized that trick – the 'sneak food into class' sandwich. Pop one in when the teacher isn't looking, and push it into your cheek like a hamster if you got called on before swallowing.

"Not Enrique's a jerk," said Claire, softly and viciously. "He was crying, like, all night, and when Mom had me take a turn checking on him, he asked me to go out and get him a burger! I locked my door and windows before bed. I'm thinking about getting one of those knobs where the lock has an actual key so I can be sure he stays out of my room when I'm not home. This morning he tried to butter me up, offering to help me learn trollish, and I wrote down what he said to double-check with Blinky but I'm positive it's all swears. Some of it sounds familiar from when random trolls start yelling at each other."

"That actually sounds kind of useful," said Toby.

"Sure, if your teacher's not insisting, 'this is how you say hello and this is how you say I'm sorry and this is how you say please don't kill me'."

Mary leaned against the bank of lockers by Strickler's office door. She totally wasn't eavesdropping. She had her phone out and was sweeping through her old photos to decide if any should be deleted. It wasn't anyone's fault if she just happened to overhear what was said on the other side of the door.

The school walls weren't thick enough for soundproofing. She strained her ears anyway.

"Otto will probably make trouble. I've intimidated him enough he shouldn't openly expose you as long as he doesn't actually have you on hand as evidence, but I'm sure he's plotting against us."

"What if … I know you won't like this, but what if we snuck a Heartstone piece into his office?"

"You believe Otto can be bribed." Mr S sounded amused. He was probably twirling his pen.

"I mean more that it, ah, wouldn't hurt to plant some evidence implicating he might've really been in cahoots with us the whole time."

"… That point is worth considering. Do you think you can get another piece?"

"Probably," said Jim decisively.

"… You took more than one."

"… Yes, sir."

"Toby's right. Stickler's a Changeling, and I think he might be Jim's boss. They were also talking about somebody named 'Otto' who might make trouble."

"Should we tell …" Darci wracked her brains. Which of the trolls wouldn't get Jim in trouble? "Blinky, maybe?"

Mary, rushing through her late lunch, only shrugged.

"Did he say anything about Enrique?" asked Claire.

"No. But they might've before I got there."

"Or Jim didn't mention him because he didn't want Not Enrique to get in trouble," Toby suggested. He finished off his slice of apple pie. "Or to protect us. He said last night … well, you guys remember."

Toby had texted them about how Jim was supposed to kill anyone who learned his secret. Darci couldn't believe Toby could hear something like that and still chow down on food he knew Jim had made. Killing someone in the middle of a high school cafeteria wasn't exactly subtle, but there were time-delayed poisons and poisons that looked like normal food poisoning or allergic reactions, right?

"So …" Darci hated being the one to say it, but they couldn't save Enrique if they were dead. "Maybe we shouldn't tell anyone in Trollmarket about Not Enrique yet."

Claire looked like she was about to explode.

"The way Blinky talked about it when they thought we might be Changelings," said Darci, "it sounds like they … aren't exactly popular. Jim's their magically destined hero and he can't even be publically found a Changeling."

There were some metaphors in that situation that Darci did not like.

"I feel like we should at least talk to Jim, and maybe get Not Enrique more on our side, before talking to Blinky and AAARRRGGHH about this."

Barbara came home to a dark, empty house. She saw a light on in Toby's window across the street.

As she locked the door, she wondered at herself for not having the locks changed. She'd done that after James had left, in a fit of temper, and had only regretted it a few times before she no longer wanted him to come back.

Jim was right across the street. He had his key. He could come home at any time.

Maybe it was some kind of subconscious test of whether he'd actually respect her boundaries? Barbara didn't think she was that devious.

There was a chain on the door. She slid that into place.

Barbara curled up on the couch and hugged a pillow. She'd have to do something about dinner eventually.

Without distraction, she couldn't get the image out of her mind of Jay-Jay in that mirror, with the goblin fussing over him.

She cuddled the pillow more like a baby. She'd ended up in the neonatal ward today – a pregnant woman in a side-on car collision delivered early, thankfully mother and child and the other driver would all live and there had been no other passengers to worry about – and realized how out of practice she actually was with newborns.

If she got Jay-Jay back, what would she do? A blood test should prove he was hers, but how was she going to explain a baby? Would she have to leave town for a year and come back with a child, or fake a pregnancy and a delayed birth to cover why he was three months old already?

If she were a man it would be a little easier to cover up; just say he was conceived during a brief relationship and the mother had surrendered custody and didn't want to be involved.

Barbara could pretend she'd found Jay-Jay abandoned and wanted to keep him, if not for potential blood tests seeking his 'real family' that would expose her as a liar, and the bureaucratic hoops of fostering and adoption. That plan might've been feasible a hundred years ago, but not in the modern world.

She hadn't planned on having another child. She'd barely been around for Jim's childhood, and Jim, Jim was secretly an adult the whole time, and not even human with a human's social needs – how could she raise an actual human baby all by herself?

On some level, Barbara was grateful Jim had nicknamed Jay-Jay. It made it easier to mentally distinguish between them.

Even if she did keep catching herself thinking of both of them as her sons.

It had only been a few days, and Stephan Jorgensen-Warner already felt superfluous in Arcadia now that Bular was gone.

His human cover worked in a crematorium. His main duty to the Janus Order was sneaking bodies out before they were to be burned – cool and stiff, filled with formaldehyde, but still human flesh – so Bular's cravings wouldn't drive him to hunt constantly and draw attention.

Bular had still hunted and still drawn attention. Nomura had complained extensively about the museum guards getting eaten. But Stephan's efforts curbed it to within a manageable level. Stricklander always said so.

Then Otto Scaarbach the Polymorph and Bernie Sturges the Alchemist recruited Stephan, specifically Stephan, for a project, and for a moment he felt purposeful again.

Until he learned what they wanted him to do.

"I can't autopsy a rock."

He spoke with a level of disrespect he would never have dared in Bular's presence if Bular could hear him. He wasn't worried. Even if Bular was a ghost, he'd be spending his afterlife finally seeing his father again, not checking up on his own corpse.

"First, I don't know how to do autopsies. My medical training is basic first aid, how to set a bone, and what to do for burns. Second, he's in pieces. We'd have to rebuild him to get any idea of what the kill strike might have been. And that's assuming it was something that leaves a mark."

He'd seen trolls die in the sun before. It always made him grateful to be a Changeling.

"You can help us rebuild him," said Bernard. He was Bernard today.

Bernie introduced themselves to everyone they spoke to every day so others would know how to refer to them. At least around the base. Changelings switched physical species regularly; changing gender identity wasn't a big deal for most of them. The ones who did have a problem, Bernie either beat in the sparring ring or non-fatally poisoned after the first offense. There were not many second offenders.

"He's. A. Pile. Of. Rocks," said Stephan, gesturing at what had been the last Gumm-Gumm to roam the surface. "I wouldn't know what's what unless we start from the outside and work in, and even then, who knows."

"Otto can model."

"Wait, what?"

"And if he ever collapses, we'll have to start all over again, unless you plan to explain to the Underlord why you superglued his son's remains together."

"So, just to be absolutely sure I understand this, let's go over it again. You snuck into your house … to do chores."

"Yes."

"… Nope. Still not getting it."

"You literally just described what I did."

"Because it's ridiculous, Jim! It's, like, reverse hooliganry! You snuck into your house to do chores."

"I won't get caught."

"That is so not the main point of concern."

"Look, after James Senior left us," Toby had noticed Jim never referred to the man as his father, even before Toby knew Jim was, arguably, adopted, "Mom and I promised to take care of each other. She's all alone now and I worry."

Jim patted Toby's shoulder and forced a grin.

"It's okay, it's all subtle stuff. Replacing old bulbs, checking in with Draal, putting leftovers in the fridge, sweeping, dusting –"

"You're leaving food? How is she not going to notice that?"

"Because it looks like takeout. Chicken salad, fried fish, stuff you might pick up at a nice but not expensive restaurant. I bought some Styrofoam containers to put it in and I plate up the main and sides together and everything. She'll think she just bought it for herself and forgot about it."

"… Okay, new concern. You do know making someone doubt their own memories is a feature of gaslighting, right?"

Toby was relieved that Jim looked ashamed.

"Yeah. We're trained for that."

"They don't teach you to talk but they teach you to gaslight people?"

"We're taught to talk!" said Jim defensively. "Just, not right away. We're briefed on what we need to listen for when we're due to be assigned a Familiar. It would be a waste of resources to train Changelings who might not live long enough to serve in the field."

Talking to Jim about his past made Toby's heart and brain hurt. He shouldn't have brought it up right now. He wanted to argue Jim's points but it was probably more important to keep addressing the part where Jim was gaslighting his mother.

"Jimbo, if Dr L can't remember buying the food, is she really likely to eat it?"

"Inertia should take care of that. She's used to coming home to food already there. The takeout format is just in case she's awake enough to question it."

"Jimbo. That is. Literally. The problem here." Toby tried for another angle. "She's not sure she can trust you right now, right? And you're not giving her a choice about whether to trust you enough to eat your cooking."

"But she won't eat if I don't cook for her," said Jim, like he was being logical and Toby was the one acting irrational and stubborn. "Do you want her to starve?"

That was another gaslighting trick. Toby had been doing research. He wondered if Jim was doing it on purpose right now, or just imitating what the Changeling had been taught was normal and acceptable behaviour.

"She's a grown woman. She can feed herself. And she's at the hospital literally every day. If she passes out from low-blood sugar or something, she'll be getting the best treatment in five seconds flat."

"Not if it happens at home. Or in the car. If she's lightheaded from hunger, her judgement will be compromised and she won't notice she shouldn't drive and if she passes out at the wheel, she and a bunch of other people could die."

Toby pulled his blanket off his bed and wrapped it around Jim. Jim clung to it. Toby wasn't sure if hugging him would be a good or bad move right now.

"I promised."

Jim's voice was small. They might be getting to the heart of the matter now.

"I've broken so many promises lately. Keeping trolls a secret. Keeping Changelings a secret. Freeing Gunmar. Keeping you out of this. Keeping Mom out of this. I'm supposed to take care of people. It's what I'm good at. It's what I'm for. And I promised Mom I'd never leave her by choice."

Toby was in way over his head. He decided hugging Jim couldn't make it worse.

"But if she's not choosing to trust you … I mean, your choice isn't the only one that's important there." Toby had an idea. "Jim … I want you to promise me you won't go back there unless Dr L invites you. Or it's an emergency like the house is on fire or something. And no fair setting the house on fire to get back in."

Jim gave a watery laugh into Toby's shoulder. "Arson feels like it would defeat the purpose."

"Do you promise?"

If promises really were important to Jim, which seemed like a weird trait in a secret agent but Jim had already admitted he'd been compromised, then Toby had him.

"… One more visit. Tonight. To tell Draal what's going on. After that …" Jim's sigh was as shaky as his laughter. "I promise, Tobes."

It had been a week, Barbara realized.

A week since her world had turned upside down. Or gotten more layers; that might be a more apt metaphor.

A week since she'd discovered trolls and Changelings and a secret war and a spy in her home.

A week since she'd seen Jim.

Also, a week since she'd seen Zelda, who may or may not attend krav maga today.

Barbara had more questions now. She'd had a week to think, and now she wanted, needed, answers that only a Changeling could give her.

But she could not bring herself to face the Changeling she'd thought of as a friend, or the one she still thought of as her son.

But, she remembered slowly – it was hard to think of him that way when she hadn't seen his troll form – she did know one other Changeling who was still at the 'acquaintance' stage.

It took a while to find the number. She hadn't programmed it into her phone and the note had gotten buried in her purse.

"Doctor Lake," he greeted, in an elegantly neutral voice. Doctor Lake, not Barbara – back to formalities, it seemed.

"Hello, Mr Strickler. Um …" How to begin? "How much has Jim told you?"

"That he is currently living with the Domzalskis. I presume you knew as much and are not calling to inquire on his whereabouts."

"No, I – that I knew. I just … I need to talk to someone," she admitted. "Someone who knows about trolls and knows I know about trolls and isn't hiding in an underground city I can't get to."

"… I believe my schedule allows for an early lunch."

Previous Chapter (The kids find out Jim and Not Enrique are Changelings

Table of Contents

Next Chapter (Barbara and Walt meet again)

[canaryatlaw]

OKAY. It’s Sunday night, I’m on the plane back to Chicago from Clexacon in Las Vegas. What a weekend man. I had such an amazing time with friends I already knew and ones I just met for the first time. However, much of how the con was run was an absolute shit show. I must’ve said a hundred times that being that they’d done this for like 3 years already, they should know better than to do the stupid kind of shit they were doing, and yet there we were. So that led to some crappy situations, but I still had a great time do to the awesome people around me. I can’t say I’d go again though, because it was just a very poorly run event and I’m (obviously) not afraid to call them out on it in public, because it’s clearly needed when they’re prioritizing getting every last dollar out of everyone rather than the safety/wellbeing of the guests and the experience of the congoers (and the sanity of their volunteers, for that matter. But I should start from the beginning.

I left off Thursday night right before trying to fall asleep. I say trying because sadly it did not come easy, I think I fell asleep finally some time around 4, which put me at like 3-4 hours of sleep for the night, which made me feel a lot more exhausted through all of the very long day I had. I think I woke up at 7:30 am on Friday, that sounds right. Threw the last of things together and got an Uber, picked up Jess and was on our way to the airport. Got through everything okay, for one reason or another they let us go through just the metal detector instead of the full scan machine thing which was nice because the whole machine is a giant pain. We got to our gate and waited, and got somewhat delayed but eventually got in the air. Landed about 1 pm Las Vegas time, so 3 pm for us, so it already felt like it’s been forever and we wanted to get there as soon as we could. We ended up taking a taxi to the place instead of dealing with their airport’s Uber procedures, whatever those were. It was a pretty short drive, so we got there and walked into the casino part, and proceeded to get very lost until we saw someone that looked like they would be going (take that to mean whatever you’d like) and begged them to help us which they readily did thankfully lol.

So with some help we got to the actual part the con was taking place at, and found our friends who were in line for the Avalance panel that was at 3 pm. They were fairly close to the front for the regular admissions at least, so we got fairly good seats. I was going to live tweet but since getting off the plane my signal had been very poor (apparently Verizon doesn’t get good reception in Nevada) and not only did the place not have WiFi, but some people were saying they actively dampened the cell phone signal to “keep people focused on gambling” or something like that which is wild, really, all of this leading to the conclusion that my battery was gonna die a lot quicker than normal and I couldn’t afford to live tweet. Clexacon is also really good about putting their whole panel’s online though (one thing to their credit at least) so I didn’t feel too bad about it. The panel was great though, Jes and Caity together are always fucking hilarious and they were honestly so bad at paying attention and staying on topic it was really funny. They definitely like, hinted heavily at several things upcoming in the rest of the season, I won’t get into it because I know some people don’t like spoilers so I’ll leave it there and say if you want to know more go watch the panel. It was really great though, and as was suspected, Katrina Law crashed it and it was hilarious.

After the panel we rushed over to Jes’ table as soon as we could, which took a minute because instead of the normal con set up where each celebrity has their own table, they were switching off tables in shifts more or less (a dumb mistake which led to issues when they needed the table for the next guest but still had a mile long line, one of many things they totally should’ve known better than to do). So we had to wait a minute and then get in line and wait for her to head over, which wasn’t too long. Jess got a photo signed because she had a nice new one and it let us talk to her lol. She was doing selfies but that wasn’t quite established yet, since the con had put out a whole statement saying there would be no selfies (and then the guests were like yeah right we’re gonna do them anyway, bless). So we talked to her for a few minutes about some spoilery stuff we had gotten told about and then moved on since she had quite a line already.

After that we walked around the merch hall for a few minutes before heading over to the photo ops, and oh what a chaotic mess that was! After a while we managed to get in the right place with the right people and then had to wait a while longer lol. But for that night we had a duo op with Caity and Jes with Season, Jayne, Jess and I, with a pose inspired by the breakfast club (I’ll post my crappy quality picture of the print out since they don’t have the digital downloads yet and don’t know when they will after this) which involved me lying on the floor lol so that was amusing, got to say hi to Jes and told Caity I’d see her tomorrow.

Once we were done with that we waited for a bit for other people that had different ops since they were all clumped together (singles for any of the three including Katrina, duos with any of them, or trios with all three) and then once we were all done we left to go to the Taco Bell, the infamous Vegas Taco Bell that you can get married in and was famously featured in Jess’ social media au that I didn’t read 😂 but it had become quite a big deal, so we walked for about 15 minutes till we got there. They were blasting music inside at like a way too loud volume, so after ordering and getting our food we ended up sitting at their little outside portion, where we could still hear the music but it wasn’t quite so bad, lol. So that was certainly an experience.

When we walked back to the con place we met up with some friends who had brought along some games and such for a game night, and we ended up playing games with them for several hours, which was very fun. We played one called The Resistance which is kind of like Mafia and whenever we play any game like that I will ALWAYS end up being the “spy” as it was in this case, and it happened both rounds we played 😂 it’s just more fun that way. We played a few different fun ones. It was getting late though and I was like high key tired, and since we weren’t actually staying at the hotel there because it was very expensive (though the rooms were very nice) so after a while Jess, Melissa, and I ubered back to the holiday inn where Melissa had gotten a room and was letting us crash with her lol. Our Uber that night was a red hummer, so that was wild. I was like getting deliriously tired at that point but I knew if I didn’t wash my hair it would look like shit in photo ops the next day so I forced myself to wash it quickly and then go to bed right afterwards.

I set my alarm for 8 or 8:30, I’m not sure which, but I got up and got ready for the day, grabbing a quick breakfast at the hotel before heading over to the con. The Nyssara panel was first thing that day but since we knew it was gonna be online anyway we decided to skip it in favor of Jes’ line on a hope that most people would be at the panel instead (there were actually a good number of people there, but I’m sure there would’ve been a lot more without the panel). So we waited a bit for her to show up and she started signing, then we had to wait a few minutes while she went and crashed the Nyssara panel of course in payback for Katrina crashing the Avalance one the day before, which we fully expected to occur lol. Then she came back and we got to her pretty quickly. I had her sign the op of her and Caity that we got the night before.

Once that was done we headed to the photo ops since they were shortly afterwards, also a shit show but no surprise at that point. I just had a Jes op, and I decided since I was wearing my Captain Marvel tank top I got from hot topic a few weeks ago I decided we should do the pose with our arms extended since that was their kinda thing, and it came out really well, I was happy with it. Once everyone was done with photo ops, which took a while longer, we went to the autograph/merch hall and decided to hit up Caity’s line while we could, I had her sign her side of the duo op from the night before and got some selfies, it’s always great to talk to her, Sara’s always gonna be my favorite character and a big part of why I love the fandom as much as I do so I always love getting to interact with Caity, and she seems like she remembers me pretty consistently at this point so that’s always nice.

Once we all got through Caity’s line Jes’ was still really long so we decided to go to the Black Lightning/ThunderGrace panel with Nafessa and Chantal, who were both super awesome and the panel was great. They were so much fun to get to talk to and it was good to hear the writers were playing the long game with their relationship since at the beginning of season 2 it looked like that might not be the case. Towards the end of the panel we were informed that Jes’ line had been capped, which was very weird because she was supposed to be signing till 5 and it was only like 3:45 at that point which is WAY too early to cap a line. So after the panel we headed straight over there to figure out what was going on. One of the other stupid things the con was doing was overpromising things to their VIPs and basically just letting them through over the regular admissions at a rate that was impractical and frankly just didn’t make sense. So there was a VIP line that was very long and looked like it might be being added to, and a shorter regular admission line. We basically decided to be stubborn though and see if we could play it out on the hope that if they tried to end it before we got there Jes would see us and want to talk to us basically, which I’m not sure how successful we would’ve been and did not at all know if it would work or not. But basically we planted ourselves at the end of the regular admission line on the premise that we were talking to our friend who had managed to get added to the line, and then as things evolved basically more people started getting in behind us which the volunteers were not happy about (I want to make it clear though, I’m not at all blaming the volunteers for the shittier parts of this weekend, that blame lies solely with the con and the decisions they made, including not training their volunteers for all the situations they should’ve been trained on, but the volunteers were just doing their job and I would never fault them for that) which was understandable but we were gonna try.

We eventually more or less got added to the line but there was zero guarantee we were actually going to get to see her.

At some point around 5 Jes wanted to stay through the line so she had to get moved to a different table since they were still doing their shitty system with the tables, and then had to lead the whole line over behind her, which we think they basically just put the entire VIP line in front of the regular admission people, even those who had arrived clearly after us, so we ended up waiting quite a while there with seeming little to no movement. After we had been waiting a little while they Black Lightning girls had come to the tables nearby and Nafessa didn’t have a line, so I ducked out quickly (with plenty of friends to save my spot ofc) to her table because I’ve wanted to meet her for a while now but never had the chance, and thankfully she was doing selfies so I got to talk to her for a bit and then take some selfies with her, she was really really great and I basically cried talking to her about how much I love the show and the character of Anissa so much and just how iconic it was to see the image of her standing there in her superhero outfits and having the bullets just fucking bouncing off of her after so many LGBT female characters were killed off often for very shitty reasons, I’m like tearing up just thinking about it now lol so I was really glad I got to meet her.

Once I finished there I ducked back into Jes’ line, which had finally seemed to move some so we were a little closer, but still had to wait a bit longer. Jes was a total champ because she absolutely did not have to stay for everyone there, but she chose to do so despite being super tired and worn out herself, so she gets major credit here. We got to see her finally though after going through way too much shit to get there lol, I got my op from earlier that day signed, but had to forego a selfie because I was out of cash lol. Oh well. It was sad because the only con coming up she has scheduled is the love fanfest which is in Barcelona this summer (and in case you were wondering flights to Barcelona for those dates are sitting solidly around $800) and we’re ofc not planning on attending that so having to say goodbye without knowing when we’d see her next was kinda sad (and of course we’ll be bugging HVFF like crazy to fucking invite her to their cons, ugh) but I was still really glad we got to see her.

When we finally finished there god we were all so wiped and hungry since it was almost 7 pm at this point and we hadn’t really eaten since breakfast, so we ended up taking an Uber to the closest In-N-Out which was of course a must whenever we’re somewhere there is one (usually California but in this case Vegas). It wasn’t terribly crowded so we were able to get a table and food fairly quickly, god their strawberry shake was so fucking good and their burgers and fries were great too. We stayed there for a while and just talked and had a good time before deciding to walk back since we now had food in our stomachs, lol (we were originally going to walk there but my stomach was already like mmmMNOPE and walking for 20 minutes would’ve been high key bad). Once we got back to the con place we met up with the game friends again and played for the rest of the night. We started with a game called joking hazards which is like cards against humanity but based on cyanide and happiness comics which I read religiously for years and you basically had to build the funniest comic strip and my entries had everyone cackling basically the whole time even if I didn’t win the round, it was just all really hilarious and fun. We moved on to some other games which were fun, around 10 or so Jess had to head to the airport because she had been planning on going to Star Wars Celebration Sunday (plans which got thwarted by unexpected snow in Chicago) so she was flying out that night and arriving at like 6 am Sunday morning. We kept playing till like 1 or so at which point everyone was just really tired so Melissa and I headed back to our hotel. I washed my hair again quickly and got ready for bed. One thing we messed up on was forgetting to bring any makeup remover wipes or otherwise makeup remover, and there’s only so much you can get off in the shower, so when I get home tonight I need to like, douse my face in makeup remover and get off all the damn mascara that I couldn’t get off for three fucking days. We headed to bed though, Melissa’s flight was early Sunday morning so we said our goodbyes and went to bed.

I was set to wake up to my alarm at 10 to an empty hotel room which did in fact occur, but it took a little longer for me to actually get out of bed because I was very tired lol, I don’t think I actually fell back asleep but I rested my eyes a bit more until like 10:26 at which point I convinced myself to get out of bed. I got ready and officially checked out of the hotel room (which just involved telling the front desk the room number and that we were checked out) and headed over to the con place, messaging a few various friends I had made since arriving since my original friends were now gone, lol. I met up with them shortly afterwards in the merch hall where we wandered around for a bit and I did buy some stuff, mostly small art stuff and a few buttons, before we headed to the short film festival that was taking place from 12 to 2. I grabbed a sandwich quickly from the little cafe they had and headed in. The films ranged between comedies and dramas of different subjects, they were all really good and several made me cry, one had me like on the verge of sobs at the end lol so yeah they were very good I’d say. Once those were finished they had a little talk with some of the film creators and actors that were there which was fun.

Once that event was done I headed back to the merch hall with one of my friends to find a few things, and once we were satisfied there we ended up walking out across the street to the New York, New York casino which had a shake shack, where I got a burger and a root beer float which was very good. So we ate and talked and had a nice time. We walked back to the con area after, my friend went to a pitch session and I went back to the merch hall for a final round before finding another friend and sticking with them for a bit, one of the tables had been doing a raffle so we waited for the results of that which was entertaining, then talked to a few vendors we knew, and ended up going back to my friend’s hotel room for a little bit. My flight was supposed to leave at 7:25 so I was planning on leaving the con for the airport around 5, but I had gotten an email from southwest saying it had been delayed half an hour, so I ended up staying until around 5:30 before saying my final goodbyes and getting an Uber to the airport.

The Uber ride was quick, check in was very easy and I breezed through security, again only having to do the metal detector, so I made it to the gate shortly after 6 and then had plenty of time lol. So I just sat and listened to podcasts and went on my phone while having it plugged into one of the outlets they had under the seats for about an hour or so until I got up and grabbed some Burger King for dinner, then returning and eating that while we started the boarding process, the flight before us ended up getting in a little late so I think our ultimate take off time ended up being like 8:10 or so. We’re supposed to get in a bit before 2 am Chicago time, which should be fairly soon since my phone is currently reading 11:25 pm Vegas time, which would be 1:25 am Chicago time. Of course I packed super light since I was carrying my backpack around all day for two of the days I was there, so I just have the shorts I wore today which was great for the 80 degree Vegas weather, but being that it FUCKING SNOWED in Chicago today I’m guessing they’re gonna be a bit less than adequate. Since I flew Southwest we’re getting into the airport that’s further from me, but the roads will at least be clear and you can just take the expressway up so it doesn’t take too much longer than the one that’s closer to me (which is always just a pain in the ass because it’s O’Hare but it’s where pretty much everyone flies out of except Southwest). So now I’m here, sitting on the plane and typing this. As things stand right now, Jess had gotten off of work tomorrow for Star Wars Celebration which she wasn’t sure she was gonna do on Monday but since today didn’t end up working out she’s gonna go, I was able to get a single day Monday ticket to go with her so we’re gonna get brunch at 10 and then head down to that con, lol, probably stay mostly in their merch hall and maybe meet up with some people, before going home to watch the Legends episode of course. And yeah, that should be fun. I’m running low on battery so I’m gonna stop typing for now, I’ll probably write a final few sentences once I’m home or almost home and about to go to sleep.

Okay, flight landed at 1:49 am, it’s now 3:08 am and I’m lying on my bed about to go to sleep. Goodnight peeps. Hope you had a good weekend too.

[theajaheira]

regarding honor and honesty in the workplace (41/43)

read it on ao3!

this chapter was supposed to go up yesterday but. i forgot. my bad

from the personal files of Jenny Calendar:

Somehow, I always imagined that the final showdown with Wolfram and Hart would be with Lilah at my side—and with Lilah on my side. It hurts to know that’s not the case.

Lilah’s office was decorated much like her apartment—minimalistic, expensive furniture without a trace of personality. Her desk was free of clutter and photos alike, though Jenny suspected that the Lilah she was learning more about grouped the two together without much consideration. “Please,” she said, gesturing to the chairs in front of her desk. “Sit.”

Jenny sat. Faith remained standing for a moment, eyes narrowed, before she reluctantly sat as well; she was Jenny’s daughter, and at that age, Jenny never had been all that great at following orders from people she didn’t like.

“Let’s hash this out,” said Lilah. “That notebook isn’t worth all that much to the Senior Partners under normal circumstances; they can sweep a little thing like Tara under the rug pretty easily. In your hands, though, it’s pretty clear it poses a pretty serious threat—you and I both know that you’re an incredible private eye.”

“Lay off the compliments, Lilah, I’m not dumb enough to want to sleep with you anymore,” said Jenny coolly, examining her nails. Faith snickered.

“I’m not—” Lilah flushed. “I mean it.”

Jenny looked up, slowly. “You hurt me,” she said, “you hurt someone I love, you broke my trust, and you think I’ll ever take your word seriously again? That’s honestly laughable. I thought you were at least a little smarter than that.”

“How many times,” said Lilah, “how many times do I have to tell you I wasn’t lying about you and me? Or does it just not matter to you now that you’re with the person you really love? Maybe I was lying to you about my motives, Jenny, but at least I wasn’t lying to you about my feelings.”

“You’re not serious,” Jenny scoffed. “You expect me to feel as strongly about you in a handful of weeks as I do about Rupert over the course of three years? I was never once lying to you when I said I cared about you, Lilah, and the concept that I might have been is a weak-sauce argument to bring up against me. Morally, ethically, legally, you are in the wrong here.”

“I’ve made my peace with that,” said Lilah stiffly.

“I don’t think you have,” said Jenny.

Faith coughed. Then she said, “Hey, uh, still here. Can we maybe talk about the evidence for two seconds?”

“Sure,” said Lilah. “What do you want in exchange for it?”

Jenny stared. “You’re kidding,” she said. “You’ll just…bargain for Tara’s notebook?”

“It’s a threat to the company and a threat to my lifestyle,” said Lilah indifferently.

“And yet you aren’t gonna neutralize me?” If Rupert were here, Jenny was sure he’d be telling her to be a bit more rational, but there was too much hurt and anger welling up in her to play it safe. “You could kill me, you could kill Faith right now, and I’m sure the company would cover it up, so why the hell don’t you?” She thought she saw a flicker of movement where Faith was sitting, but disregarded it.

“Don’t test me, Calendar,” said Lilah, her voice steely. “You have no idea—”

“No, I don’t,” said Jenny. “I don’t. Because the only version of yourself you ever let me know was the version of yourself I think I could have loved, if you weren’t the kind of person to prioritize yourself and your desires over everything else.”

“Jenny—”

“I need someone who can love other people, not just me,” said Jenny, her voice catching, “and I never let myself admit that you weren’t that person. You’re the kind of person who kills people in alleyways, and it’s honestly surprising that you’re willing to bargain with me when you could just kill me.”

“I can’t,” said Lilah. Her voice broke. “I can’t kill you, Jenny.”

“Sure,” said Jenny, scoffing. “But you can kill Rupert, and you can, I’m sure, kill my kids, because you did make that threat to me in the hospital without batting an eyelash. If I was younger and—I’ll say this bluntly—more of an idiot than I am at the moment, I’m sure I would have gone for a whirlwind romance right about now, but—there’s no love in that kind of thing, Lilah. You should know that.”

“I told you I could fall in love with you,” said Lilah.

“If you have the capacity to love me, you should have the capacity to care about other people,” said Jenny, feeling suddenly exhausted. It felt as though she and Lilah had been having strange, veiled iterations of this very argument since they’d first met, and that realization was beginning to make this particular argument feel like she was repeatedly hitting a brick wall. “It shouldn’t be such an alien concept to you.”

“Jenny,” Lilah began, sounding completely, utterly lost. And that was the problem, wasn’t it? That the thought of caring about people even after they’d outlived their usefulness was so confusing to Lilah. It never seemed to stop hurting, how wrong Jenny had been about this woman.

Jenny’s phone went off. Holding up a finger to Lilah, she dug in her purse and fished it out, then saw that she’d gotten a single text from Rupert.

some unexpected developments; we need a diversion to get out with the evidence

The message made Jenny suddenly very nervous. Pocketing her phone, she pressed her lips together, tried to look angry beyond belief, and said shortly to Lilah, “Rupert just texted me that he thinks his injury just reopened. I hope you’re happy with that,” and stood up to go.

“Jenny,” said Lilah, her voice sharper. “You’re not going to finish this meeting?”

“We’re not negotiating,” said Jenny flatly. “I brought this here because I thought I should let you know I have evidence—”

“Jenny, you have to give that to me.” There was an edge of panic in Lilah’s voice. “I can’t let you walk out of here with evidence that could bring down Wolfram and Hart. The Senior Partners would—”

“For someone who takes so much pride in her own autonomy,” said Jenny, “you sure seem to be under Wolfram and Hart’s thumb. There’s no evidence in this notebook that poses a threat to you, Lilah.” This was a complete lie, banking on the fact that Lilah hadn’t yet seen the notebook and made stronger by Jenny’s determination to make sure Rupert was okay.

Lilah took in the intensity in Jenny’s eyes, swallowed hard, and nodded. “Yeah,” she said softly. “Makes sense. I’m sorry that I’ve been avoiding this conversation. You’ve got a lot of reasons to yell at me, and I guess I just…didn’t want to hear them all.”

“So we can go?”

“I’m going to have to walk you down,” said Lilah, “security reasons, but—yes.” And then she stopped, and frowned, taking a second look around the room. “Jenny,” she said, “where’s Faith?”

from the personal diary of Faith Calendar:

I couldn’t just sit there while Mom and her ex argued, especially not in the evil law firm from hell, and I remembered the building plans well enough to know where Giles would be. I knew Mom was going to be really, really mad at me when she figured out what I was doing, but hey—dumbass, impulsive behavior is kind of a thing in this family. She’ll get over it.

“This was your plan, then, wasn’t it?” Lilah’s voice was sharp and furious as she picked up her desk phone. Punching in a few numbers, she snapped into the receiver, “Put the building on lockdown, we’ve got some kind of a security breach! Yeah—teenage girl, brunette, goes by Faith Calendar. Yep. Yes. Apprehend and detain.” She slammed down the receiver, laughing a little bitterly as she looked at Jenny. “You and your kid aren’t quite as good at covert ops as you seem to think you are,” she said.

“You’re not serious,” said Jenny, disbelieving. “You can’t seriously believe that my plan all along has been to use my daughter to break into Wolfram and Hart?”

“It’s what I would do in your shoes.”

“I think we have established that you and I are very different people!” Jenny shouted. “Lilah, I’ve got no clue where Faith is, I don’t know what she’s doing—”

“It’s cute that you think your innocent-mom act is going to work on me,” said Lilah flatly. “The building’s on lockdown and we’re going to find her, wherever you sent her.”

“My innocent-mom act?” Jenny couldn’t figure out whether to be angry at Lilah or terrified for Faith. “I would never use my daughter for something like this.”

“I hurt you, I lied to you, I told you I was someone I’m not,” said Lilah, giving Jenny this twisted, almost livid smile, “and you’re telling me it never once crossed your mind to try and pull the same thing on me?”

“Not once,” said Jenny. Her voice wobbled. She kept on thinking about her daughter, floral dress and white heels, apprehended and detained. “And if you cared about me as much as you seem to think you do, you would know that.”

Her words seemed to strike a chord with Lilah, if only for a moment. Finally, she said, “If you’re telling the truth about this just being a meeting set up to yell at me, then you shouldn’t have any problem with us making sure your daughter isn’t getting her hands on any information we don’t generally give out to the public,” and turned, leaving the room. Before Jenny could follow, Lilah was shutting the door behind her, the click of the lock the last sound before her footsteps began to retreat.

This was not part of the plan. Knowing Faith, she would have gone straight for the room where Wolfram and Hart kept their files—and with the building on lockdown, there wouldn’t be any way for her or Rupert to get out. Frightened and exhausted, Jenny took two shaky steps back towards the chair she’d been sitting in, leaning on it and closing her eyes.

Something on Lilah’s desk buzzed. Frowning, Jenny turned to the desk, and noticed for the first time that, in her hurry to leave and find Faith, Lilah had left her half-open purse atop her desk. The purse vibrated again, this time making a missed-call tone quite similar to that of an expensive phone.

A very tentative idea began piecing itself together in Jenny’s mind. Stepping forward, she rummaged in the overstuffed front compartment of the purse for the source of the vibrating, fishing out a few crumpled receipts, a tube of lipstick, and—Lilah’s phone. Lilah’s phone, with—and here Jenny had to check, even though she already knew her theory would be right—no passcode, no fingerprint ID, and nothing that could protect it from someone seeking information to bring down Wolfram and Hart. That had always been Lilah’s fatal flaw, hadn’t it? She had never thought of herself as the kind of person who let people close enough to hurt her, and she didn’t keep her guard up as carefully as she should have with Jenny. She wasn’t the kind of person to leave her phone unattended, or the kind of person to start up a romantic relationship with the detective she’d been assigned to kill.

Jenny was Lilah’s inexplicable weak spot, and she intended to utilize that—

Something stopped her, then, looking at the phone in her hand. By all accounts, this should have been the easiest decision Jenny had ever made. This phone had emails, call records, probably even some way to access Wolfram and Hart documents—this phone could bring down Lilah, and Wolfram and Hart with her. But all of a sudden, Jenny kept on thinking about what Lilah had said: I hurt you, I lied to you, I told you I was someone I’m not—and that helplessly exhausted look she’d had in the hospital.

It was true that Lilah’s feelings for Jenny, and their refusal to extend beyond Jenny, infuriated Jenny beyond the telling of it, but it was also true that Jenny’s feelings for Lilah weren’t trivial enough to merit ruining Lilah’s life. Quietly, she pocketed the phone, then waited by the door.

Exactly thirty seconds later, Lilah came rushing back in, first snatching up her purse and then staring at Jenny with wide, horrified eyes.

“Lilah, I wanted to talk to you,” said Jenny quietly.

“I forgot,” said Lilah numbly, “my phone.” Her face was bloodless. “I was going to go—look for Faith—was this your plan, then, Jenny?”

“Honestly, you’ve always had a tendency to overestimate me,” Jenny quipped, and tried to smile.

“Jenny—” Lilah swallowed, hard. “This office is full of cameras that would catch me if I tried to grab that phone from you,” she said. “And if the Senior Partners knew I was careless enough to let my guard down, they’d—they’d have my head.”

“I have a counterproposal,” said Jenny, and as she said the words, she found herself strangely calm.

“A counterproposal,” Lilah echoed, a bitter laugh in her voice. “Don’t tell me—you want me to join you and help you take Wolfram and Hart down, don’t you? Jenny, do you know how many of my current clients would be out to get me after a stunt like that?”

“We’re just going to keep coming, Lilah,” said Jenny, measured and gentle. “You know you can’t take your phone from me without revealing to Wolfram and Hart that you’ve been sloppy, and you know that if I leave the building with your thoroughly unprotected phone—”

“I can delete emails,” said Lilah sharply. “That phone will be useless—”

“It still has your call history,” said Jenny, “your contacts, and I’m guessing various legal documents, and you’ve never really struck me as the tech-savvy kind of gal. You can’t exactly ask Wolfram and Hart for help in turning this phone into a useless brick—” here she took out the phone and waved it, punctuating her statement, “—and you can’t turn to any of your clients, I assume, but me.”

“Jenny.” Lilah’s voice was resigned.

“I’m giving you an out,” said Jenny. “I’m giving you a chance. More than you deserve, I think, considering the kind of hell you’ve brought down on my family, but—” Rupert, pale and bleeding in the alley, flashed again across her vision, and it strengthened her resolve. “I want to be someone my partner is proud of,” she said, her voice softening. “I want to make decisions that are right, not decisions because I’m vindictive and angry and hurt. I know you care about me, and I think you can use that care to do something good.”

Lilah looked at Jenny. Then, quiet and deliberate, she took the silver gun out of her purse. “I think,” she said, “this time, I’ll aim correctly.”

[buymepizzaordie]

Origins- Chapter 5

Summary: By day, Emily was just like any other girl in Paris; going to lycée, seeing her friends, and thinking about her future. But at night, she transformed into Paon, a superhero with peacock-like abilities and a passion for justice. One day when she saves a fellow classmate from a fire, she realizes that theres a lot she doesn’t know about her miraculous. Her kwami warns her that it’s better if she doesn’t know, but Emily is good and getting what she wants, and she’ll do anything she can to learn more about where her powers come from, even if it means befriending the quiet Gabriel Agreste and keeping secrets from the people she loves.

Notes: Has it really been 8 months since I updated? Wow…

<< AO3 >> 

Emily had to say that stealing the walkie-talkie had been a great idea.

The idea had never even occurred to her before. If it hadn’t been for Adrienne, she probably would never have thought about it. On Tuesday, Emily’s second day of school, Adrienne had made the trip to Paris to visit her. Adrienne was a very talkative person, and didn’t let Emily hold out on any details of her life so far. She had been living in Paris for four months already, and Adrienne wanted to know everything.

One topic of conversation was about Paon. According to Adrienne, people who lived in France but not in Paris had heard of her, but weren’t convinced she was real. Non-Parisians may have seen her on the news and in the papers, but apparently that wasn’t enough to convince most of them.  

“A lot of people think she’s a publicity stunt or something.” Explained Adrienne. “They think Parisians made her up to get more tourists to come, as if there aren’t already enough tourists! Do you know how many Americans I had to get past to get to your house?”

Emily had to admit that if she wasn’t Paon, and she was still living outside of Paris like Adrienne, she would have some difficulty believing that there was a girl running around Paris dressed like a peacock and fighting crime.

Adrienne, unlike most non-Parisians, was a huge fan of Paon. She wanted Emily to tell her everything she knew about the superhero. She would bombard her with questions and then gush about how cool Paon seemed and how ironic it was that Emily moved to Paris just weeks before Paon first made an appearance. Emily was overwhelmed trying to answer all her friends’ questions while keeping her identity a secret.

“How does Paon know when something’s happening?” she asked Emily. “From what I heard, she appears so quickly to the scene of a crime that it’s almost like she has a sense for it or something. Can she just tell? Do the police contact her whenever someone calls 112? And if they do call her, how would they if they don’t know her identity? Does she just have a walkie-talkie?”

One question spiraled into a dozen more, but Emily was too caught up in her thoughts to respond. The reason she always showed up so quickly was because she spent so much free time outside. Before school started, if she wasn’t taking care of her sister or seeing Adrienne, she was walking through the crowded streets of Paris. Being in a public area for so much of her time made it easier to find out if something was happening.

But there was no way she was going to tell all that to Adrienne, so she just let her talkative blonde friend tire herself out with all her wild theories.

But hearing her mention the idea of walkie-talkies surprised her. Mostly, it surprised her that she spent six months as Paon, and she hadn’t thought of that sooner.

Even after Adrienne left Paris that night, Emily couldn’t stop thinking about her words. She knew that it was a great idea, and it would be much more convenient for her now that school started and she can’t spend every possible second out in the streets.  

The only problem was that she doubted the police would just hand her one if she asked for it. They respected her because she was saving lives and because her miraculous had a strong effect on them. But that’s where their support for her ended. They may have worked with her whenever she showed, but they were always complaining that she should just ‘let them do their job.’

Normally, she wouldn’t let something like permission stop her from getting what she wanted, especially if it was for a good cause. But Laurrel would have a fit if she tried to steal a police officers walkie-talkie. Laurrel was all about following the rules and thinking things through, and in the six months they’ve been together, she had stopped Emily from making rash and reckless decisions a number of times.

Emily knew that if she wanted a walkie-talkie, she would have to ask for Laurrel’s forgiveness, not her permission.

Nothing she wasn’t used to.

The next day, during her schools lunch break, she decided to go to the station. Laurrel had been in her bag when Adrienne first mentioned the idea, but Emily made sure not to mention it after she left, so Laurrel had no idea what she was planning. She had already wanted to go to the station before to talk to the police officers about the fire from a few days ago. So Laurrel wasn’t suspicious whatsoever when she asked her to transform.

She transformed in an alley nearby her school, then made her way to the station via rooftops. When she got there, she saw the bald officer from the fire at the library.

She tried to get as much information from him as she could. He told her that the fire was still under investigation. Since Gabriel Agreste was the last and only other person in the library during the fire, he was the only witness they had. But he claimed to have no idea how the fire started.

Paon kept questioning the officer, and he reluctantly admitted to her that the one thing they knew for sure was that the fire was definitely intentional.

The fire started on purpose.

Emily had only one class with Gabriel Agreste. She had only been in school for three days, so she hardly knew anything about the boy. He seemed quiet, kind of shy, but very polite. In fact, he might have been the politest teenage boy she had ever met- he always said please and thank you, he never talked during class, and he would smile respectfully at her whenever he caught her trying to look into his bag. She wasn’t certain- because she had yet to stay at school for the entire lunch break- but she didn’t think he had many friends. The few times they talked to each other were brief, but seemed kind.

Even so, she knew he wasn’t the one to start the fire.

It just didn’t seem logical to her. She had no facts to back up her claim, just a gut feeling. But for her, a gut feeling was usually more than enough.

After he promised to update her once they had more information, she got ready to leave. Paon had every intention to leave the station with one of the handheld radios, but she knew Laurrel would kill her if she didn’t at least put an effort and try to ask. But just as she predicated, he said no.

So she took one anyways.

Paon retransformed and became Emily once more. She rushed home to drop it off before she had to get back to school.

After school, Laurrel gave her the inevitable lecture. Today’s topic was: stealing. Emily, like usual, tuned her out until she finished. Sometimes she couldn’t tell the small kwami apart from her own mother.

The walkie-talkie kept Emily very busy the next two days. When she was at school, she kept it off and hidden in her closet, just in case her parents were ever home without her knowledge.

By the time it got to Saturday, Emily was exhausted. Her first week of school had finally come to an end, and her homework was already starting to pile up. Normally, she was a pretty good student. But now that she had a miraculous, she started to prioritize her superhero duties over her homework. And because of her walkie-talkie, she heard about every robbery, car accident, or cat stuck in a tree as soon as the police heard about it. She knew school would only get harder from that point, and she intended to spend her Saturday catching up on sleep.

She was in bed, awake but not wanting to get up from her comfortable position when she heard a muffled voice coming from the closet. She groaned and put her pillow over her head. She knew the sound was coming from the walkie-talkie. But at that moment, all she cared about was getting a few more minutes of sleep.

Emily opened her eyes to see if Laurrel was awake. Laurrel was resting besides her, but it was obvious the noises weren’t going to wake her up any time soon. She knew that there was no way she was going to go back to sleep with the constant background noise.

She reluctantly got out of bed and walked to her closet, mentally berating herself for not turning it off last night before going to sleep. Once she opened her closet door, the noises became much clearer.

Emily was about to turn the walkie-talkie off, until she heard someone say ‘Gabriel Agreste.’

Now she was awake. She quickly turned the volume up. “-is coming in later today for questioning. Officer Pierre has requested to be the one to talk with him.” Said a voice over the walkie-talkie.

“Copy that. Has anyone let Paon know?” asked another voice.

“No, Pierre has asked that we not tell anyone. He doesn’t want her to be involved in the investigation.”

“What?!” Emily exclaimed. Laurrel flew off the bed.

“What is it? What’s going on?” Laurrel asked, looking around the room for signs of danger.

“That police officer lied to me! He promised he’d keep me updated but then he told all the other officers not to tell me anything! Who does he think he is?” Emily was angrily pacing her room. Once Laurrel realized that there was no immediate danger, she flew over to Emily to try and calm her down.

“Emily, calm down. I’m sure there’s some sort of explanation for this.” She said to the girl.

“Oh, there’d better be! In fact, lets go to the station right now and ask him why he was planning on keeping this from me! Transformer moi! ” Before Laurrel could get another word in, Emily had turned into Paon and was opening her window, ready to go to the police station and give Officer Pierre a piece of her mind.

 Paon landed on the roof of the police station, fuming. She gripped both of her fans in her hands, pacing on the roof. At that moment, she wanted more than anything to go into the station and tell Officer Pierre exactly what she thought of him. But the rational part of her had realized on the way here that no one would take her seriously if she acted like a teenager.

She paced back and forth on the roof, waiting for her anger to subside. She liked to think that she had gotten better at controlling her emotions and impulses since getting her miraculous, although not by much. It wasn’t long though before her frustration turned into a mild annoyance. She already knew from previous experience that the police didn’t like her getting involved, and they didn’t want to admit that her presence in Paris was helping to lower the crime rates. So really, she shouldn’t have been so surprised that they didn’t inform her that Gabriel would be coming in for questioning.

Even though I specifically asked them to tell me. She thought. Suddenly, she didn’t feel so bad about taking the walkie-talkie.

Paon walked to the edge of the roof. She could see a bus stop across the street, and a couple of people stepped of the bus. One of them was a teenage boy with whitish-blonde hair and a purple backpack.

Gabriel Agreste had arrived.

Paon watched him as he crossed the street. She waited for him to near the police station. Without even thinking about it, Paon jumped of the roof and landed next to him. He jumped away from her in surprise, and she let out a snort before she could stop herself.

“Long time no see, Gabriel.” She said with a smirk.

“Paon! What are you doing here?” he responded.

“I’m listening in to your questioning, if you don’t mind.” She was surprised to see the relieved look that crossed his face. Paon opened the door for him before he could even get a word out and put her hand out in an ‘after you’ gesture. Gabriel blushed and stuttered out a “thanks.” She tried not to think about how cute he looked when he was flustered.

Paon walked in after Gabriel. The moment they entered the building, Paon realized she wasn’t angry anymore. Instead, she was excited to see the look on officer Pierre’s face when he saw that despite his efforts to keep her out of the loop, she was here anyways.

[snguyen6393]

I think I’m gonna keep doing this yearly reflection. 24 was a year of immense hurt, self-discovery, and developing new relationships. The year was very much focused on school and work and finding/building my career. I sought out what I came to Portland for and now things are moving. Moving really fast!

Love.

In my 24 post I ended on trying to become more positive. I think I have achieved that for the most part, minus all the sad depression stuff. What I think happened in 24 was I became more aware of what I am grateful for. I’m grateful for my friends, the family that have, the things that I own, and the world of opportunities around me and what are given to me. I cherish the time I spend with those I love and I make sure those times are meaningful.

Something that did happen a couple months ago, was someone who I barely knew sent extremely hurtful things to me along the lines of poking at my mental health, career, and personality. All sore spots to the point where I got that feeling where my entire chest filled up with anger and hurt at the same time. I wanted to lash back. But then I thought, what’s the point? This person chose to push hate and judgement onto me and if I were to push hate back, what would that solve? Me being hurt just lets this person get the gratification. They would win. I immediately deleted the vulgar text and blocked this person from all aspects of my life. The more I read the text just made me more upset, so removing it was what needed to be done. I was pretty down for a couple days. Then I just kept reminding myself of the people that I have surrounded myself with, who love and care for me. That feeling is much stronger than any hate thrown at me and I soon felt better. This person obviously lacks love in their life, so hate is how they validate their choices and behavior. I choose to let trust and love from the people who care about me and who I care about guild my decisions. This switching of mindset is definitely progress in my life that I recognize. To this person who may or may not be still reading this because this site is public: love always wins. You can’t knock me down. I hope that you find more love in your life. Peace.

Something I heard on a podcast was that your body reacts the same way for different emotions and feelings. For example, anxious and excited. You get that blood rush and and tightness feeling for both. Love and hate are the same. You feel as though the blood vessels around your heart and chest contract whenever you feel love for something or hate something with a passion. Rethinking this feeling and recognizing it as the positive of the two helps you understand the importance of that feeling. By thinking of the positive one, whatever you are upset at seems less problematic and you begin to learn, step back and ask yourself: why am I feeling this way and why is it important to me?

How have I become one of those cheesy ass sappy motherfuckers who talks about love? Maybe because its also Pride Month? It is what is now. Not sorry.

What did I do for my birthday?

This year my friend Sarah and her mom took me out wine tasting for my birthday. I’m not super knowledgeable in wine and I don’t think I have the palette to taste and smell all the notes. What one of the wine stewards said was “do you like it?” and that’s really all you need to start with and then it slowly starts to grow. I’ll definitely enjoy a glass of wine more often, but my go to will always be an old fashioned or a well crafted cocktail. Bartender biased. The day before on my actual birthday I attended a PSU Choir concert that Sarah was also in featuring Valerie Naranjo, the SNL percussionist. Valerie has such a beautiful and spiritual soul that exudes when she plays her tribal instruments or sings. It was definitely an unexpected concert that made me miss being apart of music and how impacting it can be. I kind of regret not joining a concert band at PSU, but the time and focus were just not there this time around.

Change.

That’s been on my mind these past few weeks. I keep thinking about how my life is going to change once I am out of school and not working at Lela’s. This is a big transition time in my life as things wrap up and end. As I was working or while I was sitting in class, I thought to myself: wow, only a few more weeks of this and its all over. I won’t see the same faces everyday or do the same task everyday. The norm that I’ve had for the past year and a half is gonna change. Change is good. Change is scary. Change is growth.

I’m still not entirely sure what my new job will be like. I know I will be applying some of the accounting knowledge that I have gained this past year, but from what I’ve heard it will be a clean slate of training and I’m not expected to know anything. More details will become more clear as the next week unfolds. I look forward to this new job and whatever new doors it will open. Working at Lela’s and the accounting recruiting has really opened up the network of people I now know. That momentum of focusing on the people rather than the paycheck will help me get far. I have been living beneath my means for so long now, more money will only just help me maintain that and add just a bit more while removing some stress. Moss Adams very much has that culture of people first and I am excited to experience a new group of individuals with similar mindsets.

What I am excited about the change is the opportunity to grow myself in my personal life. My evenings and weekends have always been prioritized for work and studying. I look forward to actually having time off for me to spend with people that I care about and developing routines that will benefit my well being and health. Now, there is something called the CPA Exam which I will eventually start studying for, but I will work that into my day when the time comes.

Saying Goodbye.

I dwelt on this topic a lot. The person that comes to mind is Co Ngan (Grandma Chef). I tear up thinking about it every time. Her presence in my life has been such a blessing. I really didn’t have grandparent figures while growing up. I have older uncles and granduncles and aunts, but I would only see them from time to time. I never really see them more than 6-8 times in a year. Co Ngan has only been in my life for only a year and a half, but the impact on me make it feel like 10 years. I haven’t really lost any close family members at this time of life. I am fortunate. Her age makes me think that she will eventually pass even though how strong and healthy she is right now. I will experience intense grief for the first time. Judging how I feel about saying goodbye just now, I don’t know how much time I will have left with her once I leave the restaurant. She is one of the strongest, funniest, and inspiring woman I have ever met. (Next to my mom of course) On my last day we didn’t talk about the goodbye. I could tell she was slightly avoiding me because it would bring up tears, as I did the same. The day ended, we both walked to her car, I broke down in tears before saying anything and we hugged and said our goodbyes. The embrace lasted for what felt like 4-5 minutes. I told her how much she has meant to me and that she fulfilled that grandparent role in my life. She assured me that I needed to leave and live my own life and to go home and be well to my mother. She told me to call from time to time. I told her to not be sad, and she said she’ll be sad I won’t be here anymore. We stared in silence in each others eyes as she embraced my face for a few more seconds. Its late, we should go home and rest. Cảm ơn, Co Ngan.

Saying goodbye to my boss was the night before my last day. I requested we have one last get together to reflect on what we have accomplished together. During dinner we discussed so much about our personal lives. He gave me advice for the future and my new career as did I about what ways to combat this growing spurt of Lela’s without me. There were multiple instances where we both almost broke into tears. I could tell he was hurting inside just as I was. The next day was his baby shower and at it were all of his friends that somehow all had become acquaintances of mine and know about me. All wishing me the best on my next endeavors and offering to catch up in SF whenever I visit. He made the effort to be there when I closed the door one last time and we stood outside and stared at Lela’s. He reminded me that WE did this and to be proud no matter where it goes. Thank you, Dat.

Another person I had to say goodbye to was my therapist. He came into my life at the darkest time and helped me out of it and allowed me to see things differently. I am so thankful for getting the chance to have that opportunity to speak to someone about my life insecurities and struggles. Our conversations were very helpful in guiding me out of the depressive state I was in and come to realize the good that is in my life and what I still need to work on. In my last session, he told me that he was lucky and grateful to have met me and that he is hopeful for my future. Words that brought me to tears and I could tell he was holding something in as well. Thank you, therapist.

This past week I have cried so much. Though I am sad, I know that the tears just mean I care deeply about something or I feel cared for. The love that exudes from every goodbye said is so strong, that I feel overwhelmed. Writing the three paragraphs above conjured those feelings and tears back and now the people in this coffee shop seem genuinely concerned for me. I’m okay. I will be okay. Ending things now feel different. Different in that the relationships I made are so long lasting that I know for a fact I will keep in touch and maintain the bonds that have been created. It almost feels like its not all ending completely, but just an aspect of the relationships are evolving into something new. It still fucking hurts to say goodbye.

  Thanks to my friend Allison for taking all of these wonderful sentimental professional photos of me! I’m so happy that I will have something to capture this time in my life.

Goals for this year.

I think one of my goals for 25 is to continue to work on myself and put myself forward. My focus has been so much about doing well in school and making sure work runs smoothly. All of it just adds stress to my life. I need to shift that focus onto me so that I can learn to love myself and be a better person when I do want to apply myself more. I’ve made a lot of progress, but there is more progress to be made.

I want to get really serious about exercise and physical fitness. I keep saying this (as we all do) at the start of every year, but I definitely need to listen to my body more and give it what it needs. I got the eating healthy thing down pretty well for the most part, but I lack that balance of exercise to make what I eat to benefit my body and mind. I tried this a few years ago by running. I was pretty consistent until the whole accounting life change thing and then school took up my life again. I’m ready to get back into it and perhaps trying weight lifting to build muscle. There were so many pots of pho that I lifted at work on a daily!

I want to thank you to all those who continue to read my post! Those that reach out to me personally about their own struggles relating to mine and the words that I have written really mean a lot to me. We all have our own unique struggles, but it doesn’t mean you have to get through it alone or feel alone. [Insert awkward promo.] If you want to get an email notification instead of looking out for my social media posting link, just click on the box in the top right corner and there should be a follow button. That way you will always know when I post! [End awkward promo.]

Of course, I want to achieve killing it at my new career, moving out of Oregon, and just getting to experience more life. Whatever will happen in this next year, I know that this last year has changed my life in so many ways. Ways that will set a stepping stone to new opportunities and better my inner happiness and acceptance. I’m sure 25 will come with a whole lot of struggles, a whole more stress, more hard goodbyes, but most importantly a whole lot of love.

    25 I think I'm gonna keep doing this yearly reflection. 24 was a year of immense hurt, self-discovery, and developing new relationships.

[0225pm]

070318

7 march 2018

i met my bb today.

i was worried.

i just can’t sit back knowing that he feels so miserable.

i just want to be there for him even if i can’t do much, even if i can only gift my presence and my listening ears.

initially i wanted to take the bus and then the train to his place and so i rushed. i showered and prepped and then left the house and he still hasn’t replied to my last text to him.

i didn’t want to pressure him so i waited and while waiting for his reply, i decided to take the bus to the macpherson mrt (require less changing of train lines since macpherson mrt is on the yellow line so i was thinking of stopping at bishan and then changing to the red line towards yew tee).

he replied me soon after asking where i was and to not come if this happens again. but i told him i can’t do that, i can’t not come even if he said not to. how could i not come see him after all the things he said on instastory? which girlfriend wouldn’t be worried when their boyfriend writes and posts things about hunger and death? maybe people will say things like “wow i think you love your boyfriend too much already to go all the way to see him just because of a post like that”.

first things first, yes i love him. a whole damn lot. in fact, i love him so much words honestly can’t express how much i love him and because i love him, i care for him too. i don’t want him suffering alone in silent, beating himself up and acting like he’s ok, like everything’s alright when it’s not. we even promised each other to tell each other things, no matter good or bad. i want to unload the burden and sadness and whatever negativity he’s keeping inside of him, even if i can’t do anything much to help him i just want to make him feel better. to let him know that he’s not alone, that i will always always always be there for him no matter the circumstances we’re in.

secondly, he don’t always rant or talk about emotions and feelings much, so for him to actually do that and publicized it on socmed was really shocking for me which then leads to me worrying about him. which is why, i can’t just not be worried. even if people feel like it’s nothing serious or if he’s just being dramatic, in my eyes it worries me because it’s so unlike him. he is always the one joking around, being happy and smiling but no one really knows how he feels deep inside, not even me if he chose to mask his stress and anger and sadness. no one can feel what he’s feeling even if you try to put yourself in his shoes cus let’s be real, unless you yourself is facing the exact same situation as he’s in, you’ll never be able to totally 100% relate to whatever he’s feeling.

ok back to the story.

i then ended up booking an uber from macpherson mrt towards his place cus for some reason i felt like i should reach his place asap. it was already about 830+ by the time i got in an uber. i managed to reach his place at 855pm and upon reaching his area, i saw him waiting at the void deck while the car drove past to head into the car park. tbh i thought that he’d be home and then i’ll just call him down. i didn’t know that he was waiting for me at the void deck until i saw him.

ok then i wanted to surprise him so i tried to creep slowly from the back but lol it was an instant fail cus he turned around. the moment i saw him sitting there i put my bag down and hugged him. i couldn’t hug him really tightly cus i was hugging his head and i didn’t want him to suffocate wtf so i hugged and pat his head.

and then we talked.

before meeting me, he met his sister. apparently a couple of people were also worried and replied to his instastory. and his sister met up with him and then they talked while having dinner together. he told me a summary of whatever his sister talked about to him and tbvh i wasn’t really supportive of most of the things she said. i just felt like it’s easy for her to say cus she’s not the one going through wherever he’s going through, she’s not feeling what he’s feeling. yes i agree to a certain extent that he must be grateful and appreciative cus there are so many people who are jobless and even less unfortunate than he is but fuck, your own mental and physical well-being is the number one most important factor here.

i’ve been in that position before where i just wanted death to take me, where i just wanted to give up cus everything feels like it’s going south and let me tell you something, those thoughts are not pretty. i’m not one to self harm nor let negativity get to me but for some reason i just crumbled. being in a depressive state makes you think a lot of things, most of which are shitty but honestly i’m glad i didn’t just give up on life cus if i did i wouldn’t have met han again and we wouldn’t have ended up together.

he’s my solace in life and i wish i can be his solace in life too.

but anyway, after he told me the things she said. i wasn’t too happy about it so i told him things from my point of view and i ended up tearing up looking at him cus i was just so sad to see him that way. to see him being so weak (i’m not saying guys can’t be weak) and helpless and unhappy with the way he’s living. and he too just ended up tearing up cus he saw me cried. i then stood up and hugged him again, patting his back and his head, running my hand through his hair and patting him again and again. i wish i can do more for him but honestly i’m not very good at comforting either.

and then after awhile, he started telling me things about his mom like how she topped up his phone and he also told her things about how his dad is being an asshole. and then the conversation leads to topics about his dad.

ok the thing is, i think his dad is sorta the one stressing him out? like yes his work stresses him out but his dad’s adding more stress into his life. the fact that he said shit to other people about his own son shows what kind of dad he is already. he told me that he don’t usually get affected by what his dad says but for some reason this time he felt really affected. his words sounded harsh and piercing and it was affecting his mental state. what kind of father looks down on his own son? wtf. instead of supporting and helping you’re bringing your own blood and flesh down. the fact that you’re not even helping with anything about the household and just waiting for money from your children is a fucking selfish act of you. you’re supposed to be the head of the household, the leader, no matter if you’re fucking divorced or whatever, your children is still your responsibilities too so do something to feed them instead of talking shit all the time. what is the point of being a father if you’re not helping your own children grow? you shirk your responsibilities as a father, yet you still expect money to be given to you monthly? just fuck off and disappear.

excuse my poor language but i’m mad.

i can relate to how he feels about his dad cus my dad is exactly the same way, just a fucking parasite living off other people’s money.

but anyway ok back to the story.

after he talked about his dad he started tearing up and i feel so so so much for him cus i can relate. i wiped his tears and just cupped my hand on his cheeks and continued wiping away his tears. i told him not to worry about whatever his dad said and to just do him. his dad’s useless and unlike him, at least he’s working his butts off making ends meet. no one else can understand how hard he works other than himself and if he feels unhappy in his working environment then he should find another job and leave this shithole. money can always be earned but you’ll start to dread going to work if you’re unhappy wherever you’re at in the present and it will affect your mental health as well.

fuck the haters just work on yourself.

at the end of the day, everything you’re doing is for yourself and not for anyone else’s future.

prioritize yourself more than others.

your own well-being will always come first before anyone else’s.

around 935pm, i asked han to go up first and rest up but we ended up staying till about 10pm and then he told me that he wants to go back to which i immediately agree to cus i want him to get as much rest as possible since he do have to get to work tomorrow. he asked me if i have money for a ride home cus he was worried and wanted to pay for my ride home if i didn’t have any but i said it’s ok don’t worry about the money i have it since my pay came in yesterday, even though it’s not a lot but it’s still some extra money enough for me to get home.

but looking at the time, i thought i’d take the train instead since it was really quite early. if i take the train at 10+ there are bound to still be buses back home from bishan so i told him i’ll take the train and then he threw a fit and kept asking me to just book a ride but i was like what for waste the money when i can just take the train. and then he said “you know if you take the train i would have to send you to the mrt right? i want to see you off” and i was like “no bb it’s ok really i came here on my own accord like i want to see you physically so it’s ok and it’s only right that i see you off first so you just go home first ok” and then he said something angrily i can’t really exactly remember his exact words but it was kinda like chasing me away haha. but anyhoo i waited for the lift with him, gave him a kiss and hugged him again before walking off to the mrt.

i reached home around 1137pm!! so it wasn’t all that bad tbh! i expected to reach home after 12 but was pleasantly surprised at how smooth the ride home was.

ok it’s 122am now, i’m gonna play a game or two of ml since i bought valir and then i’m gonna sleep since i’ve got closing shift later.

goodnight!

[totallymotorbikes]

Head Shake – The Teachers “Whatever Boelcke told us was taken as gospel!” ——Manfred von Richthofen Oswald Boelcke pioneered air combat doctrine in the First World War. A German ace, he authored a list of rules for his subordinates to study in hopes of increasing their odds of success in battle. Boelcke flew, fought, and reflected upon what he had learned to instruct what were to become some of the finest combat aviators of his era. The doctrine he developed is still acknowledged by those in the air-combat community today. That doctrine is known as the Dicta Boelcke. If history is any indication Boelcke taught well, you might recognize the name of one of his charges, Manfred von Richthofen, better known as The Red Baron. Keith Code is the owner and founder of the California Superbike School; he has raced, written on, and instructed others in the art and science of racing and winning on motorcycles, including some of the finest motorcycle road racers in the world. His seminal book, A Twist of the Wrist, and its sequel, The Soft Science of Road Racing Motorcycles, served as guidebooks to myself and legions of other roadracers in their quest for faster lap times and podium finishes. If history is any indication Code has taught well, one of his understudies wrote the forward for his first book: “We spent days going over stuff that Keith had written down about racing… Keith made me think before we got to the track, while I was on the track, and after I got off the bike. I don’t know if everyone can get to the winner’s circle as fast as I did, but I know now that being able to think about your riding is important. Get that part done first.” That forward was penned by three-time roadracing world champion, Wayne Rainey. I would not be bothering you with any of this if I had not been volunteered years ago to serve as guest fodder on a public radio call-in show out of Columbus, Ohio. The topic of the show that day was motorcycle safety. My then-boss, Robert Rasor, AMA Vice President of Government Relations, would be along for the ride to lend some gravitas and a couple decades of experience to the show, and we would have another guest as well: Keith Code. I had never met Keith, though I was very familiar with his work. I found Code’s approach to racing and riding – the way he encouraged a racer to think – to be profoundly helpful, and my lap times had confirmed the value of Code’s methods. I had, however, no sooner expected to meet Keith Code in a radio station in Columbus, Ohio, than I did Oswald Boelcke, and I hadn’t the foggiest idea what he might have to say about motorcycle safety on the street. Oswald Boelcke established his place in history in a Fokker, but he favored an NSU motorcycle for his more earthly pursuits. We all arrived at the studio about the same time, settled into the comfortable chairs around the table, made our cursory introductions, and arranged the mics to our satisfaction. We waited for the show’s host to run the intro and the program to begin. It started off in a lackluster enough fashion, the switchboard lighting up occasionally with the sort of half-interested parties you might imagine calling a public radio station mid-morning to chit-chat about motorcycle safety. From the sound of things over the air waves, the callers consisted mostly of the homebound and the bored, but then one woman called in and offered a suggestion so simple, so succinct, and so patently banal as to be just what we were searching for to shake off our stupor. The solution to our motorcycle safety issue, she opined, could be summarized in two seemingly innocuous words: “Defensive driving.” “It costs more attention to keep something from happening than it does to make something happen.” –Keith Code The three of us glanced back and forth to see who wanted to field the call, but Code waved us off – he wanted this one, and his answer would change the tone of the entire show. Code basically suggested that driving defensively was sound advice for anyone in a vehicle with crumple zones and air bags, but motorcyclists should consider the merits of riding offensively. Riding offensively was a mindset that incorporates all the precautionary steps defensive riding entails but goes a step further to proactively shape the operating environment. In short; observe, evaluate, and act decisively to dictate the traffic situation around you. Your tools are your judgment, your throttle, and your lane placement to maximize your opportunities for success. Suddenly the studio was awake, the switchboard lit up, and the examples of riding offensively tumbled forth around the table. I was watching Code’s version of Dicta Boelcke be constructed in real time. “Always try to secure an advantageous position before attacking, if possible keep the sun behind you.” ——Boelcke Seek any advantageous position on the asphalt. On multilane highways, use the left lane, moving slightly faster than traffic flow limits the avenues of approach of trouble to your right, and to your rear, your odds just improved. Merge, move out, and get in that left lane. Get away from the herd, find the dead zones in traffic, car zombies tend to bunch up all staring at each other’s bumper – you shouldn’t. You want clear sightlines, so leave the herd and find the holes in traffic. You want to see – find a vantage point – and be seen. Endeavor to always dictate the situation; do not have it dictated to you. Play to your strengths; small size, maneuverability, acceleration, be aware of and minimize your weaknesses, consider weather conditions. “You should always try to keep an eye on your opponent and never let yourself be deceived by ruses.” ——Boelcke Don’t be deceived by other drivers. Prioritize your biggest threats: the oncoming car turning left across traffic; the driver in the right lane texting; the driver broadcasting a lane change for the last quarter mile by glancing continuously in his rear view mirror; the car approaching an intersection that should stop. Position yourself to minimize or eliminate the risk. Don’t be deceived by the road. Late-apex blind corners for better sight lines and the additional potential braking area that provides – when in doubt, square off corners. Also, don’t be deceived by yourself: bikes are far more capable than many of their riders, so get off the brakes, look through the corner, turn the bike in, and roll the throttle on. Never give up the asphalt; grass is for lawn parties and voter referendums. “When over the enemy’s lines, always remember your own line of retreat.” ——Boelcke Always have an out. In the left lane you have the shoulder or “breakdown” lane, so in a dire situation with a fast-approaching car from the rear, use cars as cover; lane split. Shield yourself from approaching vehicles on side streets by flanking moving vehicles traveling in your same direction. Situational awareness. Know what is going on around you, glance at the mirrors, scan far down the road, and have a plan ready for any variable you haven’t eliminated or left behind. And practice, practice, practice, muscle memory develops with seat time. Become proficient on your bike, make it dance. Both Boelcke and Code invest their students with agency, requiring them to think, and to act decisively, to change the environments they operate in to their advantage. Code was preaching the doctrine of another flying circus, one we all are loosely affiliated with, Dicta Code, the doctrine of two wheels. Boelcke taught a doctrine that promoted situational awareness, taking advantages of your machine’s strong points, and positioning yourself such that you would come out on the winning side. So too was Code, and until I gave it any thought, it hadn’t occurred to me that much like Boelcke, I had been learning these tricks all along through experience. Boelcke gave voice to his experience with his Dicta Boelcke and imparted those lessons to his squadron mates, and Code gave voice to mine: Be the hunter, not the hunted. Ride hard, look where you want to go, and have a safe and rewarding new year. Head Shake – The Teachers appeared first on Motorcycle.com.