#last time i wrote this much on a tumblr text post about my illness i was trying to catch my breath the entire time

[cextra-loz]

Today I was able to stand for a new limit of 50 minutes when my physical symptoms are at their most minimal in a controlled environment. So we know 50 is the max now we're trying to reach 1 hour. I feel like I could've reached an hour with how I was feeling but the muscle endurance in my legs wouldn't have let me. I'm reaching a weird stage in my progress where its been so long since my body has had to support my weight for that long the blood pooling in my soles irritates and hurts like hell the days afterwards so now i'm rubbing the my feet like i've worked a hard day to prevent the inflammation from impeding my progress. I feel tho if I can reach that 1 hour limit I can reach longer times with practice. Its been years since i've stood for so long i'm really excited to keep practicing and hopefully keep improving. Last year around this time I was barely reaching 35 maybe 40 if I really really pushed- during my least symptomatic hours. Those extra 10 minutes might not mean much but since the beginning of my illness I never imagined i'd be able to make it to 30 let alone 50. I felt pretty good this session too which is the most important part, I feel like its the lack of muscular stamina that held me back rather than cardiac endurance. Anyway update is over, if I reach that 1 hour time it'll be a happy day I cannot tell how long it'll take me to reach that time but with some more practice I think a few weeks or months at least i'd imagine maybe even sooner. I'm so happy lets go! Dreams do come true at least 4 me ehehe!

[ludic-nebula-collective]

Eyebrow-Raisers

Hello. I've been questioning quite a bit about myself recently and finally decided to make a side blog to do a little more digging into whether or not I'm a system.

I know Tumblr isn't the end-all be-all for something like this, but it helps to get second opinions from people that may share similar experiences. Plus, I don't trust Dr. Google lol.

Under the break is a master post of everything I've experienced that's made me raise a brow. It's long and detailed, but I wanted to explain everything as best as I could. (TW: IFS mention)

My Experience

➺ This started in about May(?) of last year (2023). I had an alternate Discord account to move things between my phone and laptop easily and to leave notes for myself, and I had the urge to personalize it for other use. Pretty much as soon as I did, I started seeing it as its own person, to the point where I felt the need to use we/us pronouns.

➺ I've had severe dissociative symptoms for at least over a year now. Sometimes during a dissociative episode, I would recognize the name of the alt account over my own, but I was too convinced that I was still myself to notice much else about it.

➺ This kept happening for some time until someone talked me into trying IFS therapy to help cope with the symptoms. I was at an all-time low at this point and only agreed because I was frustrated and out of options.

(If you are unaware, IFS is a form of therapy that separates aspects of yourself into individual "parts" to work on. It is a highly controversial practice that you need a therapist to walk you through to do properly, which I was not aware of at the time. I also highly recommend researching Alsana Castlewood before deciding if it's right for you.)

➺ This person guided me through IFS for a couple weeks, during which I made about 10 "parts" to work with. They all had individual names, pronouns, and appearances, but were all me with specific stronger traits, if that makes sense.

➺ I knew IFS would only make my original symptoms and questioning worse, and I was proven right almost immediately. Whenever I would speak as my "parts," it felt like I was not mentally present. They spoke for themselves, and at times, it was like they were piloting my body despite how heavy the dissociation made it feel.

➺ It's been about four months since I stopped practicing IFS, and since then I've still felt like I'm not entirely alone in my body. I don't hear any of my "parts" anymore, but they still rarely influence some decisions. For example, I can't call something my own because I associate it with one of them too much.

➺ In these past few months, I've had one more experience. I hyperfixate on specific characters sometimes, which came to a head a couple months back when I heard one in my head. I remember thinking to myself that there was something I didn't want to do, and another voice in my head told me that they would. I felt like I got hit with sudden dissociation as soon as I heard it, too.

➺ This also happened over text. I was typing out a vent about this character, and I ended it by saying, "Hey, if you see this, just know I mean no ill will. I hope you're doing alright." Again, I was hit with a strong pang of dissociation, and it was like someone else wrote a reply: "I'm good, thank you."

➺ In both of those instances, I still felt like I was somewhat present, but I wasn't in complete control of my actions. It immediately felt like I was faking it, especially in the second example.

➺ I've also mentally asked myself if there were others present on two separate occasions. I didn't get a response the first time, but I did the second. I felt a pressure on the top of my head, almost like someone was pressing down on it, and I got both a name (one I hadn't heard before) and a voice change. I was still somewhat there, and I had to force my body to move so I could write about the experience.

➺ I have very severe memory problems (and have for most of my life), so while I don't recall any childhood trauma, I would not be surprised if I did experience it. That also means I might not have everything here, so I'll update this as I remember more experiences.

➺ I believe one of my possible alters and I have co-fronted before? I dissociated so hard that I very much did not feel like myself, but I was so preoccupied and out of it that I didn't write about the experience at the time. I don't remember much about what happened.

I know this is a long read, but this has been bugging me for some time. I appreciate everyone who has made it this far. Any comments or ideas would be appreciated. Thank you.

[manythoughtmanyprayers]

since we last spoke, i have been trying to keep myself as busy as i could, be it at home or hanging out with friends, so that i could distract myself from the voices in my head and from thinking too much about it, about us, about you. because the wound is still very fresh, despite me acting calm, im still sobbing on the inside, because its never good to end a connection you had with someone you like, no matter how shity it couldve been, it still hurts like hell.

but after last night, the first time i actually sat in front of someone who i knew wouldnt judge me for still hurting and feeling down about us, and finally said "despite how much i want to punch him, i still like him and those feelings aint going anywhere, no matter how much i hurt on the inside", i allowed myself to think about it, about us, because i knew that there was at least one person who knew about how i trully feel and understands how i feel, someone who gave me validation to do so.

the first thing i did today was turn on my phone, open tumblr and read everything i wrote about you, which is all but one post, since i only created this account to be free to write about us, about you, about how you make me feel, good or bad. because really, i had no other place to speak freely about it with no judgment and no criticism. there was no way to talk about this with my friends or my mum at a certain point, doing it publicly on social media was totally not a choice, and telling you all of these directly was something i was always very much scared.

while reading everything, from the most recent to the very first post i did, i couldnt help but tear up and feel this nostlagic, warm feeling inside of me. because despite the bad posts, i still stand for everything i said. from me feeling insecure and thanking you for helping me with that, to me wanting to be babied by you, to me being a corny son of a bitch because of my feelings for you. they are still alive inside of me, i still stand by all of it, it hasnt changed at all. and never will, no matter how many fights we have, no matter how long well stay appart, no matter how much people try to change my mind.

last night, when i was telling my godmother about how much im hurting but feel like i need to keep it all to myself because of all the background noise, she said "dont listen to peoples opinions if they are not willing to help you how you actually need". yes, she said she was relieved that our situationship ended because i would no longer hurt like i used to, but she was the only one who actually saw how much i was fighting and saw that there was potential, and that it just wasnt meant to be for now. she is the only one who saw how im feeling and is willing to help me with that, and is not just focused on making me forget about you because of all the bad shit that happened. she saw how much i care about you still, and is willing to put all the shit behind and help me understand how im feeling and work it it, instead of just desregarding my feelings like everyone else.

that little sentence she said made me realise that its ok for me to still care about you, to still like you like i did all this time. that, despite the bad shit that happened and the rage i feel, its ok to have feelings lingering and to care for you, still has much as i did while we were together. i still want to see you, talk to you, know about your days and nights. i still want to hold you, during the day and during the night, to touch you and smell you. i still wonder if youre tired, if youre eating well, if youre drinking enough water, getting enough sleep. i still want to help you in anyway i can, be it for yourself, for college, for work, for anything you need me. if you need chocolate in the middle of the night, ill still get my shoes and jacket on, and go all the way to your house to give you some, even if its raining.

i wonder if you come here often. whenever you would mention my "little texts" i would always feel amazed because i honestly thought you would forget about it as soon as i gave you the link. i never thought you would actually remember this exists, and that you would actually read what i wrote. will you still come here while were appart? or will you refraim yourself from visiting? youre always welcome, no matter how we are.

i hope we can become friends again, at least, so i can wish you a happy birthday, i will be devastated if the day comes and ill have to stop myself from doing it (i know i can always do it, with a simple happy birthday text, but it would not be the same if were appart, it would feel much better if were on speaking terms again, we will see).