#last episode was his second ever episode and it was him having a panic attack the WHOLE time it was great

[desos-records]

The part I appreciate the most in the Lockwood and Co show is how it handles depression and suicidal thoughts in teenagers. As a theme, it’s not often (ever) done well. Lockwood and Co is the only story I can think of that depicts it in a nuanced, realistic, non-romanticized way

but first, before I get into it: [if you’re in crisis or need someone to talk to and don’t want to/can’t use your national hotline, highly recommend Samaritans, genuinely saved my life] okay, let’s go

Lockwood is the most obvious, with his general disregard for his own life and admitted suicidal ideation. Lucy struggles with her self-worth and the intensity of the emotions she’s subjected to. George worries that he doesn’t belong, that there’s something useless or wrong about him. The show depicts these thoughts and feelings in a way that isn’t overblown or dramatized, it’s all but casual. Which is how it happens. Depression or suicidal thoughts don’t crash into you all at once, they creep into your life without you noticing

But more importantly (and again, something I’ve never seen anywhere else), the show also offers counterpoints to those thoughts and feelings. It shows that there is a way out, even though you may feel trapped and hopeless. This is crucial for the show’s target demographic. Bad media depictions of depression or suicide get internalized, contribute to the stigma, and make it harder for people to ask for help. This show doesn’t do that. This show tells its audience that, yes, things are scary and painful and it fucking sucks, but it’s not hopeless. And it says it so well

In the second episode, when Lucy wants to quit, she admits something that I’m almost certain she’s never told anyone

“sometimes I just think I’d be better off dead”

And when I watched this the first time, I expected Lockwood to react the way I’ve seen people react in my own life; with silence or panic or downright dismissal. But he didn’t. He stays calm and he says something that is so so important to hear when you’re struggling under the weight of feelings like this

“I understand that”

Saying this tells someone several things: that you’re on their side, they aren’t strange or monstrous for feeling like this, and that you’re not going to attack or abandon them because of it. And you can see the impact it has on Lucy, the way her face clears. She went from struggling to breathe and near tears to calm and steady. It’s no mistake that in this moment we hear his and Lucy’s theme for the first time (those simple, beautiful guitar strings)

The next thing he says is also important

“and it’s not true”

Simple, to the point, directly addressing her feelings, and (the most common mistake) doesn’t make it about him. Telling someone that you love them or that they’d be upset to lose you might sound nice, and it can be later on in the conversation, but in a moment like this, it’s infinitely more helpful to confront the thought itself

A similar moment in the first book stuck with me too, when they’re underneath Combe Carey Hall and Lucy almost steps into the well. What she’s hearing in her head (and the general phenomenon of malaise that ghosts produce) is very similar to depressive or suicidal thoughts. Before she can fall, Lockwood pulls her back

“no, Lucy, that’s not the way it’s going to be”

Depressive and suicidal thoughts deal in absolutes, so sometimes it takes an absolute to counter it

In the last episode, George has that heart-breaking moment where he says all the awful things he thinks about himself, partly because of the influence of the boneglass and Bickerstaff, but it’s also been building up, there in the background. Increasingly, it’s Lockwood and Lucy working together and George working on his own, which picks at old wounds (engineer, engineer, engineer, weirdo). He bonds with Joplin because he feels like she understands him in a way the others don’t

“it’s nice to have someone to show off to”

But Lucy pushes back against all that because she sees herself in all the ugly things George is saying, because she’s felt that way too. She understands that. She’s so surprised and horrified to hear him saying those things, resigning himself to dying down there, she’s not going to let him go on believing them

“you’re not a third wheel or an oddball or whatever it is that you think you are”

“you’re the best of us”

“we are not losing you, Georgie”

Flo called him that earlier too, but Lucy wasn’t there for that and coming unprompted from her it sounds so much like something you might call your slightly annoying younger brother. She’s so absolute about it all, with no opening for doubt, and you can see something like surprise on George’s face (but also pain because now Lucy’s in danger too)

For all Lucy knows, the boneglass will kill her. I don’t think for a second she genuinely believes her talent will protect her; she told Joplin that to protect George. It’s unclear when exactly she came up with the plan to use the skull, but she was willing to risk it anyway. And she knows, she knows, George will blame himself for this (because she would too, if it were the other way around), but even then, she’s very clear

“this isn’t your fault”

Their whole scene down in the catacombs is two kids trying to keep each other alive, physically obviously, but on the inside as well. And, oh god, George almost crashing down next to Lucy after he’s knocked over the boneglass, trying to wake her up. His voice

“Lucy, Lucy, it’s me, it’s me, say something, speak to me”

I think it’s down in those catacombs that George and Lucy really understand each other for the first time. In their own ways, they’re both curious and suspicious about the Problem and what causes it, trying to learn more about it (and stressing Lockwood out in the process). They both left their families; they both struggle with feeling strange and different than everyone around them. That connection pulls them both back from the edge

Lockwood, for all his confidence, is practically in crisis or was fairly recently (I suspect living with George helped). It’s fairly common, actually, for someone suicidal to overcompensate with an exterior shell to hide it, which can manifest in different ways depending on the person (they may not even realize they’re doing it, I didn’t)

And I love how the show handles it. He’s not made into this dark, tragic figure. He’s so full of life it hurts. He jokes around with George and Flo, fights with Kipps, admires Fairfax. He has dreams (plans) for the future. He’s struggling with trauma, they all are, but he’s not Broken™ in the way similar leading characters are often made out to be, in the way we often fear we are

And, of course, there’s Lucy, a wreaking ball through the precarious balance of Lockwood’s life. It’s not so much that she gives him a reason to live (although she definitely helps), but she holds him accountable in a way no one else does. This is the difficult part of recovery that no one talks about. Having people care for you (George) and sympathize with you (Flo) is great and necessary, especially early on. But at some point, you have to take responsibility for yourself and the noise in your head (you have to open your door on the landing)

What that looks like is complicated and messy and different for every person, but seeing it played out in a story is remarkable. I’ve never seen anything like it. This is a difficult thing for anyone to learn (many adults never even try)

That shot of George, Lucy, Lockwood (and Kipps) rising up on the catafalque sums it all up for me. Each of them fell into darkness alone and rose out of it together. They inspired each other to fight and win their individual battles, even when they couldn’t be there to help

[tokkiiecloud]

WHB characters comfort after SH :

CW/TW : SH mentions ; Scars ; Blood ; OOC(?)

Characters : Satan ; Mammon ; Leviathan ; Beelzebub / Bael ; Lucifer ; Belphegor / Beleth

A/N : Sorry if anyone feels uncomfortable, I just needed that comfort for myself and all the people that are going through a tough time<3(and I apologize for how long it is) anyways I won’t be dragging this Author’s note any longer!

Heavy breathing, heart thumping loudly so much you could hear it from a mile away, eyes blurry from the tears. So to speak you were having a panic attack, it wasn’t the first one nor was it going to be the last one but it was a pretty bad one…you cover you’re ears but you could still hear the fast heartbeats. When suddenly you notice a small piece of glass on the ground, why was it there and how, didn’t even cross your mind but the moment you noticed it, you calmed down, you walked towards it and grabbed it.

(Slash) the first slash you were able to calm your nerves (slash) the second one the tears stopped (slash) the last one your heart calmed down too.

The crimson blood started flowing…how nice. Such a familiar and calming feeling, at every slash you couldn’t feel the glass cut you but it still was quite helpful.

After realizing what you did you had to find a way to hide them quickly and stop the blood but it was too late…someone already had called your name….

Satan :

He had called out to you, since he left to go do his ‘king duties’ but when he got closer he’s eyes widened. W…why was there blood on you? And why did you have a piece of glass in your hands did you inflict that pain into yourself?!

To say he was mad was an understatement :

���Why the fuck did you hurt yourself?!” He yelled.

You stayed quiet which made him even more mad, until he’s voice came low full of worry

“Am I unreliable? *sigh* you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to but…I don’t want you hurting yourself.”

Tears started to form in your eyes once again at the gentle voice. He took you in his arms holding you close and rubbing your back. That’s what Paimon does to him when he has a depressive episode so bad he can’t even get up from his bed.

Successfully it calmed you down. Now to tend to your wounds…

Mammon :

“Master? Are you alright-“ he asks before his eyes see the blood flowing from your arm. He stares at you and quietly walks up to you and scoops you up in his arms. This was the first time you’ve ever seen such a complicated look in his eyes. You didn’t to speak up telling him not to worry. He held you in his arms and took you to the infirmary of Tartaros, yes there isn’t much doctors but he atleast knows how to take care of those cuts. After tending to your wounds his eyebrows furrowed and he kissed the bandaged forearms :

“Mammon I-“

“Master why?” He asked, his voice soft. He looked up at you eyes hurt and sad from the state you were in, you couldn’t just brush it off to not worry him..

“It’s just…i just… *sigh* It helps me…calm down.”

He stayed silent, after a bit you saw he started to tremble it really affected him seeing you hurt and not being able to help you.

“Mammon…”

“Master..! Please never again..if you need to calm down please I am begging don’t do it…I hate seeing you hurt..” you sigh and kiss Mammon’s forehead and cheek.

“I’ll do my best” at that he smiles softly at your words

Beelzebub / Bael :

( I cannot not include Bael y’all)

“Y/N? Is everything alright in here?” Bael asked worried as he entered the room to see you, with injured arms. “Did..did you hurt yourself?” He asked, you look away shameful that Bael saw you in a horrible mindset, he sighed and walked closer to you “oh my dear…” after this sentence Beelzebub bursts through the window “HEYYY” you flinch at his loud greeting and hide yourself in Bael’s arms, he understands quickly and embraces you.

“Bell, right now is not the time. Leave please.” Bael said coldly “Wooww this time you’re not forcing me to do my work Bael!~” He laughed before his aura turned menacing “You know, I hate sharing Bael right? Why are you holding them so close to you?” Before Beelzebub could continue questioning Bael he smells the scent of blood.

“…What. Happened.” He asks his tone devoid of all emotion. You try to hide yourself in Bael’s arms even more, you really did not want to face Beelzebub. He swiftly grabs you out of Bael’s embrace and his eyes widen at the sight of your arms and Bael’s bloodied suit. A bunch of questions traversed his mind at the same time which caused his train of thought to crash. But he quickly regained control and looked at Bael who nodded.

You don’t know how this happened but to treat you they ended licking you’re bloody arms and then disinfecting it and bandaging you up and after that Beelzebub stayed with you for the rest of the day with a bunch of snacks and blankets so you could relax and have those dark thoughts leave you while Bael who still had work to do, visited you two.

Leviathan :

He had walked in on you and immediately hanged you. You dropped the piece of glass you were holding instantly. After he made sure you didn’t have anything else to hurt you he stopped hanging and called his subordinates to take care of you.

But just because he let others take care of you wasn’t because he wasn’t worried and just found it bothersome, he is extremely worried sick and trying to understand why you would do that, was it because Hades wasn’t to your liking? Was he too harsh on you? Did a demon from Hades talk shit to you? He didn’t know which was it but it drove him nuts. He wished he could know what caused this but you would never tell him. So the least he could do was give you care and put you in a room without ANYTHING that could potentially be used for self harm bring you food and come visit you until you are ready to spill the beans.

He knocked three times on the door before entering bringing a plate of food:

“Here you go. I brought you some warm food. Since humans can’t go too long without food.”

He rolls his eyes. Shit he really didn’t mean to act like that. He clears his throat. “How much are you planning to keep me here?” You asked him not even looking up at the food plate.

He stayed silent he was going to keep you until you were going to talk to him. You sighed and just reached an arm for the food plate, he dodged your arm and sits down on a nearby chair :

“I’ll feed you.”

You look at Leviathan in disbelief…he would feed you?? That was actually nice he took care of you and was way more gentle than any other times he took care of you until your wounds recovered.

(Softie Levi???)

Lucifer :

The moment you came out of the room he was standing there with his arms crossed on his chest, eyebrow furrowed.

You looked away and dodged him since you did everything correctly you washed your arms and put some cream on to stop the bleeding and after put a few pieces of wet paper on them before rolling you’re sleeves back down.

“Show me your arms.” He said and it felt like you had lost control over your body and started unfurling your arms. He stared at it and sighed, before healing you.

Then he pulled you closer into a soft hug, where he rubbed your back.

“Tell me what happened.” You started to explain against your own will everything.

He pulled you closer and gently kissed you, still comforting you. You started sobbing again in his embrace holding him close.

Belphegor / Beleth :

It was beleth who caught you. He put down his cigarettes and started bandaging you up, while comforting you like an older brother would.

It was until Belphegor had woken up from his 10 hour long nap and saw Beleth accompany you outside of the room he wanted to call out but it was troublesome but he also wanted his pillow with him, so he called Beleth’s phone.

Beleth picked up and apologized, he explained to his king that you two had to be apart for a few days because of certain circumstances.

Belphegor yawned at that he really didn’t want to but he rolled his dice and it went on an even number so he got up to see what you two were up too.

You weren’t really far, at all actually just a few rooms down the hall. He entered the room and noticed saw you sobbing in Beleth’s arms, which kinda pissed him off seeing you into the arms of his babysi— I mean right hand man until Beleth noticed his king he hid you a bit more, knowing you probably did not want anyone else see you in this state and put a few blankets on you.

Belphegor walked over leisurely and was about to plop himself down on the bed when Beleth catches him. “Sorry yer Highness, but they want to be alone.”

Belphegor gave him a wide eyed glare

“ ‘xcuse me?” He didn’t want to be away from on of his best pillow and he also went through the trouble of getting up. Just to be refused like this? Your trembling voice echoed out “Belphegor, Beleth..please leave…”

“Wait I gotta take away whatever could hurt ya” Beleth carries Belphegor on his shoulder and grabs a few more sharp stuff in the room.

“Well let ya be now, please take care ’ll come back and give ya some food.”

You nod and look at Belphegor who doesn’t understand shit.

You mutter a ‘sorry’ as the two men leaves.

Outside of the room Beleth explained the situation to Belphegor as he sighed, he walked back into the room and finally put himself next to you grabbing you by the hips and bringing you closer to him, you look at him dumbfounded

“Belphegor…please I’m okay, you can go back to sleep-“

He shushes you by licking your neck.

“Shut it, I’m only here cause you suddenly left my side and you’re my best pillow.”

You blinked a few times before sighing, noticing Beleth entering the room again as Belphegor drifts off to sleep, holding you close it felt weirdly comforting.

Beleth smiled and lighted up another cigarette after leaving the room :

“Ya truly are a weird one, ‘yer majesty”

A/N : Hey hey hey!! Hope you guys enjoyed it, and if you are struggling with S/H, please talk to a professional able to help you but also know that I have faith in you, I know you’ll be able to stop this addiction even you fail to keep sober a few times you will succeed in staying sober for a lifetime!

Lots of love <3

[daechwitatamic]

Vice;Grip || chapter 5 || chs

(banner by @itaeewon)

Vice;Grip (masterpost) NSFW - minors DNI Genre: angst smut fluff, fuckbuddies!au Summary: Make it not hurt, you could have asked him. Or, at least, make it hurt in a way I choose.  A/N: infinite thank you's to @sailoryooons and @eoieopda for beta-ing!!

//

Warnings: Frequent depictions of depression, depressive episodes, panic attacks, and substance abuse (alcohol, weed, and pills referenced). PLEASE know that these characters’ relationships with drugs and alcohol are not healthy and should not be emulated. If these topics are triggering to you, please consider sitting this one out.

Section Specific Warnings: language, depictions of depression and depressive episodes, mentions of doctors' offices and medication, angst, mentions of attending therapy, recreational drinking, kissing

wc: 6.9k

Playlist: you can call me in the middle of the night / you can leave before i wake up in the morning / and it could feel so wrong / but i'll still hold on

Now - Fall

Vernon’s watching his ceiling fan when his phone chimes - a noise he isn’t fond of: incoming email.

For the last few months, his emails have all been from recruiting directors and head-hunters - either thanking him for his interest but regretfully informing him they’ve gone in a different direction, or head-hunters pretending they found him a great opportunity when it was really an underpaid, short-term position where he’d spend more on his commute into the city than he’d ever earn.

It’s been real fun. He sucked it up and finished grad school, threw his diploma behind a cheap frame, added the degree to his resume. Quit going to classes (because there weren’t any), quit spending whole nights on assignments (none of those anymore either), and still - he finds himself no happier than he’d been before, even with all the free time in the world. So maybe, he considers, grad school wasn’t the problem, and he’d done the right thing to just push through and finish.

On top of this - on top of the fact that he was still bored with life, still unenthused to be here - the break-up has sucked, just to make things even bleaker for him.

Can he even call it a break-up? You were never together. But it’s been nine days since he made you cry in his car - not that he’s counting - and all nine of them have fucking sucked. He’s wrestled with indecision for all of them - did he make a mistake? Should he try to undo the damage? Wasn’t what he had with you still better than being alone?

But he knows this will be better for him in the end. He knows that what you two were doing together wasn’t real, wasn’t a relationship. It couldn’t grow with him - it was stagnant by nature. So, even though something in his bones screams at him to take it back, in the end he doesn’t regret the decision to try and do something better.

He does regret that he can’t do something better with you. He regrets that he lost his temper and yelled, regrets that he was cold in his last moments with you.

Regrets that he spent two years walking towards a dead end.

Still misses you, despite this.

He picks up his phone and scrolls to his email, already feeling the frown take over his face in anticipation of another rejection. As expected, the email is from a company he’d interviewed with last week - he’d even gotten to a second in-person round, which was rare. Still, he hadn’t wanted to get excited about it. He knows how unlikely it is that they’ll want him.

Dear Mr. Chwe,

Our team was delighted to meet with you last week. We found your background impressive, especially your internship experience with -

Vernon’s eyes skim the page, so fast the words are a blur. 

…Would like to formally offer you the position of… annual salary of… additional opportunities within the company including traveling to… working with… reporting to… expected start date of… we are looking forward to having you on our team!

Vernon’s heart thuds and he turns the screen off and stares at his ceiling again. He’ll answer it later, accept it graciously, call his eomma, probably shop online for some button-downs and maybe some ties. Later, though. Later. For now, he reaches for his lighter.

He kind of wishes he could tell you - hey, I got a job offer. hey, guess who gets to wear a suit five days a week now? hey, all that bullshit paid off in the end.

Would he have texted you any of that if he hadn’t ended things? You’d never talked about this kind of thing - that had been part of the problem.

Still. As illogical as it is, you’re the one Vernon wants to tell first. It aches a little, like sore muscles but somewhere inside him, behind his brittle ribs.

He wonders if you’re doing okay. He wonders if you care at all, or if you’re fine. He turns his lighter over and over in his fingers, and then realizes he’s just read the words contingent on... drug test…

“Fuck,” he grumbles, then picks up his phone again. Maybe he’ll call his mother first, after all.

—

You were never a big fan of autumn. A lot of your friends are - the season shifts and everyone starts posting about sweater weather and PSLs, the aesthetics suddenly revolving around pumpkins and ghosts.

You have plenty of ghosts, but not the right kind.

Your phantoms haunt your phone, mostly. You feel it buzz in your pocket, hear it vibrate on the table from the other room. Sometimes you even wake up from a dead sleep, sure you’ve heard it going off, reaching for it frantically, only to turn on the screen and see nothing. 

No missed calls, no new texts.

You dream about him, too. In some of them, you’re still fighting, yelling at the top of your lungs in a way you never had in real life. In some, he isn’t even present - you just know he’s missing. In some, you’re trying to get to him, but never can - stopped by nonsense laws of dream physics.

In one of them, you tell him you love him, and he staggers backwards, breaths starting to rasp the way they had when you’d talked him through a panic attack, like he was just as scared of the admission as you had been.

Maybe he had been just as scared about it, back when it had mattered. Maybe he was just better at handling it than you are.

You never see his whole face in your dreams - only glimpses, fragments. You don’t want to examine if that means anything.

You fucking hate your brain.

You’re starting to hate your phone, too.

—

You lose November to grey - the whole month, a wash. You miss three days of work, unable to do anything - unable to cook, unable to get dressed. You feed the cat because you have to, and it’s the only reason you leave your bed except to pee.

When the grey days break as December dawns, you follow an impulse and schedule an appointment with your primary physician through their app. As you click the button to confirm the appointment, you burst into tears, loud and embarrassing. You cry with abandon, pulling your hoodie up to cover your face, to muffle the noise that you can’t stop.

You should have gone to a doctor years ago, and you know it. It feels like a big deal. It feels like a potential mistake - like opening a can of worms and now you have to deal with them. It feels like admitting something is wrong when you’ve worked so hard to look like nothing is. It feels like a farce, like nothing that bad is wrong with you, and you’re wasting everyone’s time.

But you keep the appointment anyway. You make yourself small in the chair on the other side of your doctor’s little table, and you admit, eyes on your hands, “I want to talk about my mental health. I think I’ve been dealing with depressive episodes. For… a long time, now.”

It’s so damn scary. As scary as loving and losing someone - like, yes, Vernon - had seemed. And you’re somehow surviving both.

Something to think about.

You buy yourself good job you did the scary thing ice cream on the way home. You go inside, put it away, and then scoop Nana off the couch, burying your face in his belly and cooing, “How is my favorite boy today?” He tolerates your nonsense with aplomb, as always.

Chan has never forgiven you for naming a cat “Banana Bread”, and you think that’s why Nana has never warmed up to him.

Nana loved Vernon, but you don’t want to think about that.

You kind of want to text him. You think he’d be proud of you for what you did today. You think he’d tell you good job.

(Chan would tell you good job, too, and will, when you call him later. But it doesn’t feel the same.)

You wonder if he’d answer if you told him. You wonder if he wouldn’t answer, but be proud of you anyway.

You fill the prescription, you leave your contact info with a therapist as advised by your primary physician. You don’t text Vernon.

You take your pride and your sadness, your fear and your hope and you channel them into greens and yellows. As late autumn grips the leafless trees outside, you paint something that looks like spring.

Now - Winter

Winter howls through your life like you personally pissed it off. You and Nana huddle under thick blankets with your tablet night after night.

Sometimes you close your eyes and remember Vernon’s hands slipping underneath his own hoodie on your skin; it helps you feel warmer.

Sometimes you think about the way he’d said the word wasted about the time he’d spent with you; it makes you feel cold all over again.

You click through all the tabs you’ve had open for days - different universities with decent visual arts programs, all advertising admission for the spring semester.

None of them are big name schools, not like the one you’d turned down all those years ago. But they aren’t nothing.

You’d brought it up to your therapist last week and she’d encouraged the idea - accepting that you can’t unstitch the mistakes in your tapestry, but you can control what new patterns emerge.

This was the plan: start classes. Open social media accounts to showcase your work. Network through school, look for job opportunities at galleries or for collectors. Open commissions, maybe.

On your best days, this seems like a list of goals to shoot for. On your worst days, this seems like a list of things you’ve already failed at before you’ve even started.

You text options to Chan, ask him, which school colors can you see me in?

Your best friend sends back, all of them. any of them. look at you go!!

You sit in your living room and watch snow fall lazily outside the window. You daydream about what classes might be like, if you get in. You take pictures of the snow in the park, then try to paint something similar once you’re home again.

You wonder if Vernon’s doing okay. You worry that he’s going through his hard days alone. You worry that maybe he’s not - maybe he found someone who helps him better than you did, maybe he’s so happy with them that he doesn’t have hard days at all.

(You know life doesn’t work like that.)

You paint Nana, just for shits, and post it on instagram. It gets the most engagement you’ve had so far. Someone messages you asking if you do commissions for pet portraits. You frown, looking at the message.

Maybe I do, you think.

Your apartment is cold. You burrow under blankets, rub your legs together like a cricket to warm them up, and think maybe after I’m a cicada, I could be a cricket next.

There’s no one to share the joke with who’d get it. Just another of the thousand ways you feel Vernon’s absence in your life. You hadn’t realized how much space he took up until he was gone.

—

Everywhere Vernon looks, all he sees are circles. The hands on his kitchen clock circle each other, align, move on again. They tell him he has two minutes to get out the door before he’s late.

He checks his appearance in the bathroom mirror, straightens his tie, smooths back his hair, then grabs his crossbody bag and heads for the bus.

The hands of the clock in his office mark his passage through his schedule: one circle until his 10:00 meeting will end. Two more after that and he can take a lunch break. A circle and a half until his one-on-one with his boss, to discuss his first few months here.

On his lunch break, Vernon rides with two of the guys he works with to some nature trails nearby, as they usually do. They swap suits for joggers and zip-ups, pop in airpods, and head out. Vernon didn’t run before this job - didn’t exercise much at all, really. He’d gone along with the guys the first time there had been an unseasonably warm day, just to be out, and he’d found it felt good to get fresh air and some endorphins before returning to his desk. 

It’s cold today, the air brittle as he inhales, but the rest of his body feels warm as he works to keep up with the other guys. It’s not as hard as it used to be, keeping up. 

The trail is a circle, too, passing a small, man-made lake before looping around back to the changing facilities. On his wrist, a fitness app closes circles to quantify his steps, his speed, his progress.

At home again, he runs his thumb around the edge of the circular joystick as he waits for Seungkwan and Wonwoo to sign in and join him for a round or two before he figures out dinner.

“Some of us were going to the bar tonight, you in?” 

“Shouldn’t,” Vernon says. “But maybe this weekend?” Unfortunately, his new nine-to-five forces him to make decisions like this - better decisions. He kind of likes his job. He kind of doesn’t want to feel like shit in the morning. 

His mind, a circle - always coming around back to you when it gets too quiet.

He opens his messages.

how have you been? … are you doing okay? … hey, i’m - … I think I’m sorry … what if we did it differently …

Of course he doesn’t send any of them. Instead, he searches for your instagram. You’d never followed each other in the first place, and he considers it a win that you didn’t block him when it was over. But you haven't posted anything that he can see in the last eight months.

Except - one post. It looks like your cat.

He clicks it and realizes that it’s not a photograph, but a painting, and the caption links to another account. He clicks that, too, and finds himself on a page that seems dedicated to posting paintings only.

Yours, apparently. He scrolls through slowly, rolling to his stomach so he can look more closely. He never knew you painted, let alone that you were good - great, even, to his untrained and certainly unbiased eyes.

Part of the problem, his mind chimes in.

Somehow, despite understanding each other better than anyone else in your lives, at the end of the day you hadn���t known each other at all. 

Now - Spring

happy hour after lecture???

plsss can we

bestie YES!!!

The sender of the original invite - a girl close to your age called Juri - eyes you from two rows up, expectantly. Normally, you’d go straight home after class. But you’d been talking to your therapist about almost this exact situation - the way you closed people out, squandered friendships to the point that only Chan managed to hang onto you for more than a year. (Vernon had made it about two years, a sick voice in your head says, and then answers itself with, but you weren’t friends, anyway.)

So, you send the group chat, sure!

(You’d also been talking to your therapist about that last fight with Vernon. I can’t get that conversation out of my head, you told her.

I’ve been caring about you way more than I should, he’d said.

You’d been talking to her about how your brain had skipped like a flat stone right over that detail and had sunk deep on I don’t want to do this anymore.

“What did you think he meant?” she’d asked you, watching you carefully. “When he said do this, what did you think this was?”

Me, you’d whispered. Anything with me - hook up, sleep, spend time together, talk, anything.

She’d helped you see the context of the fight - that maybe by “I don’t want to do this” he’d meant “be with you but not with you”.

“Sounds fake, but okay,” you’d joked. She hadn’t laughed. Negative ten points at Therapy.

You were still working on trying to believe it.

You still weren’t sure if it fucking mattered what he meant, because instead of asking him, “what do you want, then?” you’d gone defensive, had greedily grabbed at the excuse to push him away, hard and careless. He wouldn’t want you back now, even if that’s what he’d wanted at the time. You were sure of it.)

Happy that you’ve agreed to go out, Juri flashes you a grin and then turns around in her seat to watch the board again.

The bar Juri chooses is cute, not crowded or noisy yet this early in the evening. You sip at a beer and talk with the girls about upcoming projects, about the professor you all can’t stand, about the term paper you all feel you shouldn’t have to do.

It’s nice, and honestly when you glance at the time and decide you’d better get home to feed Nana, you regret that you have to. Still, you make your way to the bar to pay for your portion.

You don’t even notice the lean, handsome man who sidles up next to you while you wait for your check until he speaks.

“What’s your drink?”

You look over at him, surprised. “Oh,” you say, which isn’t really an answer. “I’m leaving, actually.”

He gives an exaggerated frown. “It’s so early!”

You shrug. “Sorry. Places to be.”

He’s cute, you consider, as you pay your bill and head for the door. Two years ago, you probably would have picked up what he was putting down.

At home, you feed Nana, then collapse on the couch, pulling a throw blanket all the way over your head. Your stomach churns with discomfort.

You open your phone, find Vernon in your contacts.

You sit on his contact page, thumbs hovering over his number, for so long that your screen goes black twice while you stay locked in indecision.

Don’t call him don’t call him don’t call him.

But you’re lonely, and you miss him, and going out made you think of him, and you wonder what would happen if you did it, if you called. Would he even answer?

Eventually, you let reason win this time, and get up from the couch, the blanket falling from you like you’d shed a skin.

In your spare room, you eye the last painting you’d finished - mostly black but with a fractured, fragmented view of a tabletop littered with empty glasses and half-finished drinks, all the liquids a toxic, piercing neon pink. You hadn’t posted that one; it felt too much like an admission.

You stare down the empty canvas, tapping your mouth with the wooden end of a brush, deciding how to begin. You close your eyes and see the beast that’s followed you these last few years - even before Vernon. The embodiment of your shame, your regrets, your failures. It’s never left your side for long.

When you finally begin to paint it, you start with the claws.

—

you up for a 1v1?

arent you on a date???

obviously not.

you didn’t go? bro.

i went. it was just. idk.

it was just what?

idk dude.

you didn’t like her?

she was fine?? she was funny, and hot, and it was fine

so why are you home alone at 8:30 asking me to come online

Vernon rubs at his face in irritation. He doesn’t know what to say, how to explain to Seungkwan why the date had felt flat.

What could he say? It was fine. It just wasn’t… enough.

He could still remember how he’d felt the first night he met you. He wanted to feel that.

idk, he told Seungkwan. lack of chemistry, ig.

Now - Summer

You think you’ve learned a lot over the past few months - between starting classes again and beginning therapy, you’re just bursting with new knowledge.

Something you’re working on is appreciating the shadows.

In class, you work on shading, on adding darks even when you think an area should all be light. Sometimes, somehow, shadows are exactly what you need to make it right on the canvas.

You think about this concept for your whole drive home from therapy - how the shadows under trees change the way you see them, how the darks affect the lights, how the shadows in your own life are natural and maybe, in the end, not so catastrophic.

At home, you duck your head into the shadows under your bed and drag Nana out by the middle.

“Come be social,” you scold him, plopping him on the couch.

After dinner, you go back to work on what you were painting. You’d been stuck for a few days, not happy with any change you made, but today you have an idea.

You create a palette of black, grey, navy, and deep purple. For two hours, you work meticulously, adding the midnights, the bruises, the shadows. They belong here, too.

—

Chan tells you he’s proud of you, the next time he’s over, and it makes you cry even though you’re only one your second sip of wine.

“Stop it,” you scold, avoiding his gaze, burning up under the attention.

“I mean it,” he says seriously. “I’m so happy that you’re painting again, I could throw up. And going back to school? And therapy? Damn. The glow-up.”

“Ew,” you frown at him, because this feels safer than acknowledging that you have been working hard on yourself, on your life. “What year is it, 2017?”

He gives you a look to make sure you know that he sees through your bullshit.

“It’s not all perfect,” you admit quietly. You feel like it should - like you’ve done the work, and now you should get the happy ending. But it hasn’t worked that way. You’re still working at a job that feels like a waste of time, painting on the side. You’re accumulating some debt for the classes you’re taking. The grey days still come and go, though admittedly their grip is less intense.

And you still think of Vernon, near daily.

Chan shrugs. “That’s normal. Perfect isn’t real. It’s unattainable. If your therapist hasn’t told you that, then you’re wasting your money.”

You laugh. She had told you that. Another thing that was easier to say than to put into practice.

You recork the bottle after a second glass, put it in your fridge for another day. Returning to your spot by Chan’s side, you tell him, “I keep thinking about him.”

Chan cocks his head, probably unsure if you’re talking about who he thinks you are.

“The guy I was hooking up with.”

“Ah.” He inclines his head knowingly.

You recount what he already knows - that you’d been whatever you were for about two years, that it had ended. That it was your fault.

“I think,” you say, taking a deep breath mid-sentence to steel yourself for the truth, “I think I could have loved him. I don’t know… maybe I did.”

“Either you did or you didn’t,” Chan points out, which is fair.

“It’s just…” you say, thinking about it. “We kept our boundaries so tight. We didn’t talk during the day, didn’t meet each others’ friends or families… barely got to know anything about each other. But it was like… even so, I think we just understood each other. It was like a lot of it just went without saying.”

Chan considers this, face serious. “Sounds like the potential was there, at least. If nothing else.”

“Yeah,” you said sadly, tracing the bottom of your wine glass with your finger. “Potential.”

Wasted potential. You’d heard that plenty before, just not usually about your love life.

Chan reaches out and shakes your knee playfully. “It’ll happen again,” he promises.

You don’t know what would be worse - if it never did, or it did, but it wasn’t Vernon. You’d never believed in there only being one right person for you - like soulmates or shit like that. But looking back at your time together, you’re not sure anyone will ever have a hold over you the way Vernon did. The grip he had on your life was unshakable.

Before he leaves for the night, Chan hesitates by the door.

“Hey,” he says, “this weekend? A bunch of the guys are driving down to the beach for the day. Wanna join?”

Something else you would have said no to, before. You’re trying to say yes more, plus you can’t deny that the sea air and sunshine sound like heaven.

“Sure,” you say, shifting to block Nana from slipping out the front door as Chan opens it. “Text me the details.”

Later, you ask what you should have asked first. who all is coming?

Chan sends back the list - six of his friends, ending with, seungcheol-hyung and his friend hansol. i think you’ve met him once or twice at the bars? he’s a good guy.

Something in you knew this was going to be the answer. You counted your breaths, tried to talk yourself down from immediately bailing on the plan.

Sleep on it, you told yourself. See how you feel in a few days.

You followed your own directions, but for days your mind spun around the question, buzzing and frantic.

Are you ready to see Vernon? To be around him, and act normal? Is it a good idea? Will you fight? Will you fall back into old habits? Will he bring out the worst in you?

Actually, you consider, that isn’t fair. Vernon never brought out your bad habits - he just coexisted peacefully with them, never tried to kick them out.

You’re scared that seeing him will undo the work of getting over him. But that isn’t true, either - because you don’t think you moved on from him at all.

In the end, you do slip into old habits - you let yourself make a potentially bad decision. You decide to go.

A twisted, quiet part of you is kind of excited.

The louder part is scared to death.

—

The day is perfect - blue sky, barely any clouds, hot and bright. Chan drives you and two of his friends; a second car with the others is somewhere en route, will meet your group once you’re there.

Chan’s car arrives first, and you help the guys unpack the trunk. Loaded down with beach bags, chairs, and coolers, you make your way unsteadily through the sand, pausing at one point to take off your flip-flops, tired of how they slow you down in the dry, loose sand.

You pick a spot and lay the towels out, unfold the chairs, get the umbrella anchored down in the sand so it doesn’t fly away.

The whole time, you can’t stop watching the parking lot, waiting for the other group to arrive - waiting for the moment of truth. What will happen when Vernon sees you?

Once everything is set up, you lay out, trying to enjoy what is admittedly beautiful weather. It’s so bright that when you lay on your back, you want to throw an arm over your eyes to block out the light, to really relax.

It feels like forever when you hear a distant shout and sit up, blinking against the glare of the sun, returning your sunglasses to your face as you get your bearings. A group of Chan’s friends approaches, one of them - Mingyu, you think - shouting hello and waving like a fool.

You stand to greet them, waving hi when they get close enough. You bite your lip nervously and glance at Vernon. He’s near the back of the group - their car had brought four people, just like yours - and his face is absolutely unreadable as he looks at you. It reminds you of the beginning, when you noticed how hard he works to keep his expression blank.

He’d stopped doing that with you, near the end. You’d almost forgotten.

Meeting and holding his gaze, you give him a solemn nod. I can be normal if you can, you try to promise, silently.

The moment is tense; you aren’t sure how he’ll react. Then, he gives you his own tiny nod back.

Relief melts through you like butter. Seeing him aches, but it isn’t unmanageable. You can do this - you’ll both be okay. You’ll both get through the day.

You help set up a second umbrella while a few of the guys move a few yards away to set up a volleyball net.

For a few hours they play volleyball. You sit on your towel with airpods in and watch, trying not to notice Vernon, trying to keep that part of your brain locked tight in its little box. But the sunlight streams down, not half as blinding as his smile as he jokes and laughs with Chan and Seungcheol, nowhere near as glittering as his laugh when he doubles over, elbows on his knees.

The sun is almost directly overhead when you get warm enough to brave the ocean.

“I’m gonna swim for a few,” you announce, standing and brushing some loose sand from your thighs.

Chan collapses on his towel, next to yours, pushing his hair back and heaving a deep breath, exhausted from volleyball.

“Maybe in a few,” he wheezes. “I need a minute.”

“I’ll go,” Soonyoung says, tossing his sunglasses onto his towel so he doesn’t lose them in the ocean.

You head down to where the waves are breaking onto the wet sand, foamy water dancing up to your ankles before retreating into the deep sea again. It’s cold, but under the midday sun the cold is welcome. You wade until you hit the awkward point where it’s hard to stand without being constantly battered by breaking waves, and then you duck underneath the surface and swim past the breaking point.

Treading water, you turn to see if Soonyoung made it out with you. He’s still back a bit, jumping each time a wave comes through. Beside him, Mingyu splutters, having taken a wave to his face. A few feet back, the water only at their knees, Vernon and Chan laugh maniacally.

You missed those goose honks.

The guys take their time catching up to you until all five of you are treading.

“Do you think there are jellyfish?” Soonyoung asks, peering into the water behind you.

“Probably,” Vernon deadpans, and you laugh, then immediately wonder if you shouldn’t. Luckily, he grins at you appreciatively as, behind him, Chan points out that there could be sharks, too.

“I’ll probably go back in soon,” Soonyoung says, trying to sound cavalier, but his unease shines through.

“We’re fine,” you promise. “You don’t have to out-swim the shark. You just have to out-swim Chan.”

Chan curses and splashes water at you as the others laugh.

You talk and float for a little longer until you consider the goosebumps on your limbs, the growl in your stomach.

“Anyone interested in lunch?” you ask.

Mingyu raises his arm and squints at his watch. “It is one,” he says. “I could eat. What did you guys bring?”

Chan starts rattling off what’s in your coolers as you start to make your way back to shore. You reach the point where your feet touch the sand, only to get slammed in the back by an incoming wave. You stumble a little, and someone holds your elbow steady, helping you stagger through it without completely tripping.

You give Vernon a grateful smile as he retracts his hand, but your stomach is swooping and your arm is burning where he’d held you.

Rejoining the others, you plop down on your towel, suddenly exhausted. The ocean water drying on your skin under the sun makes you shiver as you dig through the cooler. You pass out drinks to the guys closest to you, toss a bag of chips at Seungkwan when he asks for them, then settle back on your own towel to eat.

After, full and happy, you flop backwards and put airpods back in. Seungkwan and Soonyoung head back to the volleyball net. Mingyu and Chan seem content to bake in the sun, like you, and beyond them the others have circled up and are playing a card game, open cans of beer in the sand beside them.

You feel truly at peace, and you take a moment to ask the universe - can I hold onto this? Can I remember, when things go grey, that these moments exist?

Once you’re warm again, you pull your shorts back on and whack Chan on the arm. He startles awake, pushing his sunglasses up to glare at you.

“I’m going to walk up the beach for a little,” you tell him, pointing, just so somewhere will know where you are. He nods, his head sinking back down to his towel, eyes closing again.

You walk where the waves flood over your feet every few minutes, never getting higher than your ankles. You search for shells as you go, carrying one or two, but mostly stopping to take pictures of them and leaving them where they are, wanting to paint them later.

There are four shells in your hand when you hear someone call your name. You turn, surprised, and your stomach swoops again; Vernon approaches, hat twisted backwards and sunglasses perched over the top of it, one hand reaching out to show you a shell he’d found.

You hold still, you let him come to you. When he’s close enough, you hold open your hand and let him drop the shell there. It’s a mostly-white spiral top.

“Thanks,” you say, looking away from the shell to meet Vernon’s eyes.

He looks down at the other four in your hands. “You gonna paint them?”

You feel yourself physically take a step back in shock. “What?”

Embarrassment darkens his face just slightly. “I’ve been following your art page,” he admits, shoving his hands into his shorts pockets. “I didn’t know.” Then, “I feel bad that I didn’t know. You’re really good.”

You shake your head. “I wasn’t painting when we… I used to. I stopped for a long time. Just started again, after…” You trail off. After you left me. After I pushed you away.

He nods, licks his lips. “Does it help?” he asks, and you know exactly what he’s asking - does it make the rocks weigh less, does it make the grey lighter?

“Yeah,” you say, nodding. “In general. It’s been… kind of cathartic.”

You both stand there, the shells on your palms between you, a decision teetering between you.

You should be the one to mend it, you think, since you were the one who’d ruined it before.

“Do you want to walk with me?” you ask, a little tentatively. “You don’t have to - I’m fine on my own -”

“I’d like to,” he says, voice quiet, and something about it makes you want to well up - that he’s willing to give you his time, that he doesn’t hate you as much as you deserve.

You walk quietly together as the sun starts to sink a little, casting everything a bit orange.

“What’s new with you?” you ask, finally.

And he tells you - new job that he actually likes despite how stuffy the nine-to-five thing sounds in theory, new mile time on his daily run, new friends through work.

“And you?”

You fill him in, telling him about taking classes part-time around your job, the commissions that aren’t enough to sustain you but aren’t nothing - you even shyly admit that you’ve been seeing a therapist.

It was the most either of you had ever talked about your real lives, you thought. It struck you how normal it felt, like it wasn’t something new or novel.

“Sounds like things are coming together for you,” he says.

“You, too,” you return.

Everything between you sits heavy, weighing the moment down, pulling towards the ocean’s depths like an anchor.

Then, at the same time, you break.

“It’s good to see you again.”

“Vernon, I’m really sorry.”

He stops walking, turns to face you, aglow as the golden hour inches closer. The sun is warm on your skin, the sand is warm beneath your feet, and you are dying to make it right with him.

“It’s good to see you, too,” you whisper. You’re scared of this moment - scared it will burst, like a bubble, like waking up from a dream that you can’t get back.

“Don’t be sorry,” he counters. “We both screwed up.”

You shake your head, feeling your throat tighten with emotion. “No,” you say emphatically. “You had every right to be mad. You were right that you were wasting time.”

He glances down, mouth pulling into a frown. “I’m sorry I said that to you. It wasn’t a waste.”

“Maybe not entirely,” you allow. “But you were right. I was never going to give you what you wanted - not back then, not with… how I was. That last fight we had… it would have been so easy for me to just let you in, and everything would have been fine. And I just… couldn’t.”

He listens seriously, watching your face carefully. You look at your feet in the sand, feeling the beginning trickles of shame down your spine. But you remember that the beast can’t get you - you’d locked him on a canvas. You don’t succumb to him in these moments anymore - you take a breath and remember that you’ve grown since then.

“And -” you swallow, take a breath, “- and I’m sorry. You deserve so much better than that.”

He nods, slowly, his eyes suddenly on the ocean. You watch his throat work, and your stomach clenches in regret. Then, he says, “I should have been clearer with you - way sooner than I was.”

“I’m not sure it would have changed anything,” you admit sadly.

He nods again, agreeing. “Still,” he says.

Still.

“I really like your paintings,” he says, and then laughs at himself before you can respond. “Sorry, that sounded so lame. I don’t know the art terms or anything. I just… like them.”

You smile despite how serious the conversation had felt only seconds ago. “Thanks,” you say shyly.

“What’s the best thing you’ve learned in your classes?” he asks, stepping a little closer.

You don’t even have to think about it. “Shadows,” you say simply, looking up at him. “Even the brightest painting is nothing without the shadows.”

His smile grows slowly, and you know he gets it. Of course he does. He’s been in the trenches right alongside you.

“I thought about you a lot,” he admits, and you realize how close you’re standing. Had you been standing this close the whole time?

“I did, too,” you murmur, heart hammering.

His fingers brush up your sun-warmed arm, and you shiver despite the heat.

“Can I kiss you?” he asks, voice low, a little unsure.

He’d never asked before.

You nod, unable to speak, lifting up to meet him halfway. He kisses you like he never had before - featherlight, gentle, like you’re the most fragile thing.

Neither of you say anything after, but as you start walking back towards the guys, you slip your hand into his, and he gives it a squeeze.

You’re still hand in hand when you reach the towels, and you watch Chan clock it out of the corner of his eyes. He doesn’t call you out, and you promise yourself that you’ll give him the conversation you owe him - later. When you’re alone.

You stay a few more hours; the guys play a little more volleyball, you sit on the towels and fill pages in your sketchbook. You draw Vernon - all angles, so sharp, so beautiful.

When the sun sinks low enough, the guys start packing things up, and you help haul everything back towards the cars.

As you slam the trunk of Chan’s car shut, you turn to find Vernon waiting.

“What about now?” he asks.

“What?”

“You said not back then,” he explains. “You said back then you couldn’t give me what I wanted. What about now?”

The question lands like a mine. “I don’t know,” you say, as honest as you can be. “Vernon, I don’t know. I’m scared - I’m scared I’ll hurt you again, mess it up again. I don’t know what I can promise you.”

He considers this. “Okay,” he says finally, in that easy way of his. “What if I don’t want a promise? What if I just want to know… what’re you doing next Saturday?”

You and him, you’d existed only at night. You’d never done this before - considered dating, considered giving him more than just the hours between midnight and three am. You’d never considered letting him be him and not just one of your many vices, one of your distractions, one of the things you used to hide from how broken you felt. But here, now, with the summer sun beating down on your shoulders, you take in his whole, unfragmented face and see how open it is, how willing he is to meet you where you are.

You’ve been missing out on so much, you think. It’s about time to stand in the light - with him. With him, you could try.

“Nothing,” you say, smiling up at him. “You got a suggestion?”

“Yeah,” he says, sending you a wink as he starts to back away, the car keys jingling in his hand. “I know a place.”

<- Prev

thank you so much for reading my veyr first svt fic!! i hope to write many more in the future :)

[tastywormfood]

Ive tried to get my feelings about Moominvalley s4 into words, but im having a really hard time even accepting them. But ill try!

So here's my thoughts in Moominvalley s4.

Im 23 now and i remember being 12 - 15 figuring out my identity, and the only "representation" in mrdia being basically either "Bury your gays" trope or just queerbaiting. I grew up on a base level thinking i wasnt allowed to exist, and if i still dared to, tragedy would be my only birth right.

I believed i wasnt allowed to live a happy, soft AND queer life, cause no media i had seen had ever showed me that, that was a possibility.

Both the 90's Moomin series and Moominvalley 2019 are my comfort shows. I fall asleep to them at night, i listen to them like a podcast while im working or outside, they even calm my panic attacks. I collect cups, plushies, i collect the Comics and even some of the books.

I have 3 Moomin tattoos. This universe means a damn lot to me, and to thousands of ppl world wide.

As a queer person i find incredible comfort in Tove Janssons work, and you have to be a fool to be unable to see the way Snufkin and Moomintroll are written together.

I have been following this show since early 2020 and have watched interview to interview, ive listened to the podcast more times than i can count, and they knew what they were doing.

From the beginning of the show they deliberately wrote Snufkin and Moomin to be something more, they even confess In a BTS that their Moomin might like Snufkin more than Snorkmaiden. Even the podcast talked about it!! We are not crazy!!!

I feel incredibly gaslit by the entire situation, and suddenly im 14 again being told im reading too much into it.

Idk what happened inbetween S3 and 4, but it felt like all the love and care that came from the show, just disappeared?

Ignoring Snufmin for a second, every episode this season felt like a filler. It has no plot, followed up on nothing from the last seasons, and had an extreme amount of loose ends.

The former seasons, especially s1 and 2 has such amazing writting, character development and just a feeling of patience and of softness, i would watch it and think everything would be okay... But this season felt stripped of every inch of the care Tove Jansson put into her universe.

I want to talk a little about Moomintroll.

One of Moomins character Arcs is his want to grow up, its his need to be taken seriously and his need for independence and adventure. His need to step out of his dads shadow, and to be his own moomin! The character development he had built up through out the seasons, completely and utterly disappeared. There is no trace of anything in s4.

He is right back to where he started in s1, not being able to stand up for himself and say no, not having the confidence to go on adventures and right back to idealizing his dad. If anything this entire season felt like a prequal! Cause at least s1 Moomintroll wanted to learn, and was activily trying to change.

Moomintroll truly felt like a side character this season, i dont even think he has any important moments. Unless you count Comet in Moominvalley (which i dont), where all his independence has disappeared. Moominpapa literally has to push him out. He made one decision that eps, which was to float down the river instead of walking, which ended up being the wrong and slower way.

The regression Moomintroll went threw this season is heartbreaking, and thats not my Moomin.

Focusing for a bit on Snufkin, this season felt like a slap to the face.

They know that Snufkin is one of their most popular characters right? If not the most popular. If anything he is at least in the top 3, not only in Moominvalley but in the rest of the moominverse.

So why did this season feel like Snufkin erasure?

He was barely in it, and when he was all of that glow that normally radiats from him was all gone. He felt like the husk of a character.

This version of Snufkin was on of my favs, cause you could actually see his flaws and disagree with his actions. He had room to grow, and he did, he truly did.

He learned from Moomin just like Moomin learned from him. Their characters Arcs co align witch each other, their relationship and interactions are the pillars of the entire show. Snufkin and Moomintroll are what make the show proceed.

Finding the 2019 show for the first time as an 18 year old gave me confirmation and trust, that i was allowed to live a soft and slow life as a queer person. If Moomintroll and Snufkin could have that kind of beautiful queer slow burn romance, then i had a chance to as well.

They knew that a big part of their viewers are queer, and they knew how popular Snufmin was. They knew what kind of ppl they attracted, or they wouldnt have made it like that.

All the soft moments, the longing, the zoom in on eye contact, the zoom in on hand holding. They said trust us, they said be patient, and then they threw everything they had been building up out and set fire to it.

We got Queerbaited, and i truly havnt felt this feeling for a while. We got actual queer shows now, ofc they all end up being cancelled! But they exist!

This show felt like it was crafted with so much love and care, that i completely let my guard down. The entire queer Moomin community did a 5 year long trustfall, just to hit the floor the last second.

Season 4 of Moominvalley felt empty. It felt lost of all care and love. The first 3 seasons felt handcrafted by warm hands, season 4 felt machine made. Easy to digest, with no real soul.

Season 4 of Moominvalley feels souless.

I have chosen to live in a world where Comet in Moominvalley is a prequal to s4 and that s4 is a prequal to s1. The true last season was S3 and Moominvalley ended with Snufkin and Moomin walking arm in arm. Thats the only way i can Rationalize everything.

I have so much more to say, but ill stop here for now. Hope all of you are doing okay<3

[wrightingwithalex]

Hello! Do u have any headcanons for comforting Edgeworth as his gn s/o during and after a earthquake?

A/N: It's like you want to make me cry 💔 /j

Miles Edgeworth x GN!reader during and after an earthquake

Warnings: mentions of trauma and panic attacks, hurt/comfort, spoilers of his past

Banner by bee ☆ on Pinterest!

Edgeworth is a man who has his life and mind together. Everybody who knows about him knows that.

However, that day, the DL-6 incident, still haunts him to this day. The day he lost his idol, his mentor in life. His father.

Who would have thought that the principled, sharp-witted prosecutor runs to you first thing during an earthquake?

As he feels the earth shake beneath him, his senses go into overdrive, and he begins to move without thinking.

Stopping whatever he was doing, he sprints towards you, holding you so tight that your ribs might crack. Memories of that day flood his mind, and he begins to breathe heavily.

Your eyes widen momentarily, wincing in slight pain at the iron grip. Nonetheless, you return the embrace, rubbing comforting circles on his back as you whisper words of reassurance in his ear. Your heart aches as you feel him trembling in your arms.

The earthquake lasts for a few more seconds before it starts to calm down to a stop, but your comforting words and ministrations don't until you feel him slowly letting go of you.

His face was ever so slightly red with embarrassment, eyes puffy from crying into your shoulder. You cup his face, wiping the remaining tears away as you smile at him.

Seeing your smile made him feel like everything was going to be okay.

Afterwards, you both went to the living room and watched his favourite Steel Samurai episodes with his head in your lap until the feeling of your fingers in his hair lulled him into a deep sleep.

I WANT TO HUG HIM SO BAD WKEJJDCN 😭😭

[hotshotsxyz]

6x10 Coda

if that episode wrecked you as bad as it wrecked me, this won't help

Thirty seconds before Eddie got to Buck. 

Maybe another minute before they got him in the ambulance. 

Three minutes to the hospital. 

Five minutes without oxygen before the brain begins to take permanent damage. 

Eddie presses the gas pedal all the way to the floor. It’s still not fast enough. 

He can’t look at Bobby. Can’t risk taking his eyes off the road for even a split second because Buck is in the back of this ambulance and if Eddie loses his concentration for a moment it could cost him his life. 

Drive, he thinks, the only thought that’s safe. Drive. 

Eddie eases off the gas as they enter the ambulance bay, but doesn’t touch the brake until the last possible second. He jerks on the parking brake before the ambulance rolls back even an inch and throws himself outside. He sprints around to the back, and as soon as the gurney’s wheels touch the pavement, he jumps on and begins compressions. 

Eddie doesn’t think. Doesn’t allow himself to think because if he thinks it might occur to him that Buck’s odds of survival are worse than his were when he was shot. It might occur to him that this could easily be the last time he ever touches Buck’s still warm flesh. It might occur to him that Christopher is expecting them both to come home tomorrow, because Buck promised to make them Bobby’s famous chili and Buck never breaks a promise where he and Christopher are concerned. 

Eddie doesn’t think. 

Eddie can’t think. 

They burst through the sliding glass doors of the hospital, and in moments, someone is pulling him off Buck. He fights back. He keeps doing compressions. Buck needs him. 

“Eddie!” someone shouts. 

Eddie ignores them. 

“Eddie, you have to let them do their jobs!”

For the briefest of moments, Eddie falters. Hands find his shoulders and pull him back. 

“We’ll do everything we can,” a woman in scrubs says, and then he’s gone. 

Eddie heaves in a ragged breath and sags against the person behind him. Strong arms hold him up. 

“Eddie, they've got him,” Bobby says. 

I can’t do this again, Eddie thinks. 

…

The waiting room is cold and unnaturally quiet. Eddie’s uniform is soaked through. There’s a dull pain in his arm, one that’s been growing with each passing minute. 

Someone needs to call Maddie. 

Selfishly, Eddie hopes Chimney is the one to do it. He knows he’s going to have to say it out loud eventually, but he can’t. Not yet. Not until he knows exactly what he needs to prepare himself to say. 

Buck’s in the hospital. Again. You’d better bring some of that sparkling water he likes so much. 

Buck’s hurt. He’s going to be fine, but the doctors say he should rest until tomorrow. 

No, Buck’s not okay. The doctor’s don’t know when he’ll wake up. 

No, Buck’s not okay. The doctor’s don’t know if he’ll wake up. 

Buck’s dead. 

A sob jumps from the back of Eddie’s throat, and once the first one is loose, there’s nothing he can do to stop the ones that follow. Eddie hunches in on himself and squeezes his eyes shut. The room around him is closing in, and knowing he’s having another panic attack doesn’t make it any easier to handle. 

Arms encircle his shoulders and pull him tight against a chest he’s cried into before. 

“I– I can’t,” Eddie gasps. 

“I know,” Bobby whispers. 

His voice is wrecked. He sounds just as bad as Eddie, maybe worse. And Eddie– Eddie should be doing something to comfort him, too. Buck is Bobby’s just as much as he’s Eddie’s. But Eddie feels like a child, wrapped in his father’s arms, unable to do anything except cry. 

“It’s Buck,” Eddie sobs. 

“I know.”

“Bobby, I can’t lose him,” he admits. It feels like he’s saying more than that, but he can’t keep it in. “I can’t,” he repeats, over and over. 

I can’t do this again.

[for-ships-that-never-sail]

Okay Y'ALL I saw Episode 5 today and these are the thoughts I jotted down while watching it (PART 2 OF 2)

Please don’t read below the cut if you are avoiding spoilers until you get to watch it yourself 

And FYI some of these may not have any context, but I guess it won’t matter cause you’ll have context in 7ish hours anyway (also sorry about how long all my thoughts and feelings are lol)

Awh Kate you’re so pretty - kinda weird to see her so chill though - she was so stressed all of season 2 that seeing her so serene is throwing me off tbh - I am so happy for you though my love

Also her outfit that looks like a sari is soooo gorgeous I WANTTTT

Love the cinnamon biscuits vs fruit jellies bit

Portia ma'am please listen to Varley FFS

lol I hope they did in fact fuck again like she wanted

Ugly crying at MY MESSSSSS

PARIS? oufff I love how comfortable she is, just casual teasing chit chats with bestie

“Undefended”? Charlotte needs a different hobby pleaseeee

LOLLLLL when did Penelope learn to do her hair and makeup by herself???? Cause there’s no fucking way she would’ve looked THAT fucking good after alllll of that lol

We were going to be KNIGHTS!! OMG sweet babiessss

“as much as I do” I can’t even blame anyone for anything they’ve done or said so far tbh 

This is such nuanced writing — I understand exactly where pretty much everyone is coming from and that’s really nice tbh 

Omg they really do want Cressida to marry a dinosaur 

WTF Cressida you do you girl fuck shit up for Penelope I don’t even care do whatever you have to do and go all out and save yourself cause no one else will I’m so sorry you were ever put in this position  

We have been acting uncouth AS OF LATE??? as of late????!? Omggg Portia girl pleaseeeee you had ONE job and you’re just gonna pass the buck to your daughters instead? STAHP own up to your shit cause you knowwww they bully her because youuu bullied her and the gall to say this is just happening LATELY on top lmao 

Though like in her eyes I always do see remorse too - I think she just lacks courage to ever really own up to everything in full because she’s just so guarded 

Honestly this is such stellar acting 

And also like, Penelope, most of you is your mom my girl - your brains, your overthinking, your inability to just say Yuh I done fucked up my bad lol 

Greg’s hat

Yesssss lord Kent find you some Bridgerton besties 

I actually do love Portia - yeah she’s been a colossal dick of a mom to Pen but as complex women go, I get her - If she makes amends with Pen for them daily microaggressions and general abuse one day, for real for real, she’d be really great 

Omg Mama B and Lady D are such big shippers - wish they didn’t fully cut out the Lady D stuff from the books though le sigh 

Eloise has a point - I agree - she had lotsss of alone time to say it - I understand Pens fear completely, but she must realize that her saying this is still soooo much better than him having to find out on his own - and there is no way he wouldn't - and he’d be more hurt by that part than the actual LW part I think and honestly Eloise is right about her being involved in that painful deception too, I wouldn’t want my own brother to feel betrayed by me like that either, given how often he wished LW ill out loud - and the longer Pen stays quiet the more guilty Eloise becomes as a sister too - If anything her not immediately snitching makes her moreee team Pen than team Colin - this is still a lowkey loyalty to Pen for sure - I think I may have issued this same ultimatum under these conditions too

Omggg JOHNNNNNN stop he’s having a panic attack why did Fran put him on the spot like thissss????

“As you rightly mocked me last season” lolllll

Awh Colin and the toast 

Eloise should nottttt have done her second toast - now THAT part was uncalled for, but I guess they want to keep the stress levels high 

Lmao Kate to the rescue 

I loveeeee how close they are sitting in public - but like… does nooooo one else see this??? Hips glued together? Hands holding??? Just out in the open?? No one thinks this is insanely intimate for a newly engaged couple of the ton??? Even if it’s a love match? None of the older women are clocking this and saying 1. Sit the fuck apart 2. Did yall fuck already cause yall look like you fucked and we don’t even have a wedding date set yet??? Are you not going to even ask for a special license?? You just want her to pop a baby before she technically should and cause more drama?? Like who is in charge of all these fools?? Mama B what is you doing??? Do you not think Colin is being a nasty girl with his wife-to-be?? lol

Lol Anthony I love you, you competitive lil bitch 

Lmaooooo Eloise and Penelope being the smartest bitches of the ton YESSSS

Portia trying to show where Pen's brain comes from lol

Muddy boots panic again 

LMFAOOOOOOO Mama B your face is going a mile a minute right now listening to the muddy boots

"I saw straight away" OH MY FROHN you will end me one day

Pen get your shit together pls grab a brown paper bag or smthn 

Oooohhhhh fuck I get itttttt

Cressida girl my bad I get ittttttt sooooo much more - I didn’t fully understand her thought process behind what we already knew she was gonna do until just nowwww - they really set it up for her well - girl needed an exit and everyone fully offered her one - I have no issues with this at all tbh 

Omg omg this is the most chaotic midnight strike of all time like 6 different things happened at the same time???? 

Well that was some good old fashioned Bridgerton CHAOS Hope y'all enjoyed it too!!!! LESS THAN 8 HOURS TO GOOOOOOOOOO

[hotchy-poo]

Five Minutes

a/n: This is my literal first ever piece of fanfiction I've ever written so bare with me please, any and all feedback I would love. This is based off of season 3 episode 20 Lo-Fi.

Summary: The final moments of a terrorism case and too many close calls leaves the reader more shaken than usual.

GN!reader x BAU!Team, some slight Hotch x Reader, maybe Morgan x Reader if you look hard enough.

Word Count: 1.7k

cw: some swearing, discussions of death and explosions

You can hear your heart thudding in your chest, it feels like your ears are ringing but you can still clearly hear the sounds of the shoes and boots you and most of your team were wearing. Dave and Hotch had pieced it together that the profile your team had been putting together was wrong, it wasn't a trio or duo of serial killers, it was a home grown terrorism attack, and it was going to take place in a hospital in downtown New York. The hospital you and your team are currently in. Almost your entire attention is being put towards sweeping the parking lot searching for the terrorist ambulance driver.

The rest of your brain was occupied with two thoughts. 1. Where the hell is Derek Morgan and 2. That surveillance video of Kate Joyner's SUV blowing up, sending her and Hotch flying. He's behind you now, you can hear the change in his gait, his limp from the shrapnel cutting its way into his leg. You also know his face is scratched to hell and his ear is bleeding. Part of you wishes he would have sat this out due to his injuries but everyone knows he's allergic to taking care of himself.

Turning the corner, gun in hand, finger on trigger, you shake those last two thoughts from your head. All focus needs to be on this current situation. Reid nods towards the elevator and you see the dead special service agents lying there covered in blood. One of their legs in the way of the door preventing it from closing all the way.

Your attention is then drawn to a man who is sitting on the concrete floor with his legs crossed. A phone in one hand and a knife in the other. The team surrounds him, guns raised and ready. You notice his EMS uniform and know this is one of the UnSubs, the master bomber. You also notice the lack of ambulance with a bomb that would decimate this hospital and surrounding buildings. The bomber decides he won't be arrested and uses the knife to end his life, proving that he would kill and be killed for his cause.

A faint explosion is heard far in the distance as Hotch calls in that the hospital is secure. The tension could be felt in everyone's chest as they turned their heads to the sound, making eye contact with others, panic visible in their expressions. Reids phone rings and he immediately answers, only a second passing before his whole body sags with relief as he hears Morgans voice on the other side letting him know he is ok and the bomb exploded in a safe location away from the city and its residents. Relief fills your chest as you realize everyone is safe and that another case has come to an end. And while it may not have been the ending anyone wanted, it was over and you looked forward to leaving this experience in the past.

You had barely gotten enough sleep in your hotel room, expecting to have passed out from exhaustion from the events of the case, but you found yourself thinking of all of the what ifs. What if Morgan hadn't of gotten to a safe location in the ambulance, or what if he hadn't gotten out in time, what if Garcia couldn't have jammed the cell towers like she did, what if Hotch had been closer to the SUV or even inside of it. Tossing and turning all night left you quieter than usual in the morning and it was not unnoticed by your team.

Reid, Morgan, Garcia, Prentiss, JJ, and Rossi said their goodbyes and see you laters to you and Hotch outside the federal building. You offered to make the drive with the injured man and Morgan was more than happy to let you as he wanted to lay down on the flight and drink his Cristal. Keys in hand you and Hotch begin the walk to the black SUV you would be driving, subconsciously you brace for some sort of impact as you approach the vehicle and before you can try to play it off Hotchner is suddenly standing in front of you with a concerned look in his eye.

"Everything ok Agent L/N?" he asks raising his eyebrow.

You brush him off trying to step around him "yeah of course I'm fine." Hotch shuffles his feet and prevents you from walking away. "I'm just not super excited for the long drive Hotch, I'm good."

You hope that that was enough to sway him and you think is has as he lets you step around him. Just as you reach for the cars handle to throw your bag in the back, you feel his hand grasp your elbow and turn you to face him.

"You know" he begins "it's ok to be upset, what we all just went through in the past couple of days was hard and damaging, and its ok to feel conflicted, or sad, or angry." He moves his head trying to make eye contact with you but your eyes are firmly placed on the sidewalk. Knowing that if you try to explain what it is that you are feeling it might all come out as word vomit and your emotions might get the best of you.

"I'm good Hotch" you respond still not making eye contact "let's just go." You pull your arm out of his grasp before throwing yours and his bag in the back seat. Shutting the door you go to walk to the drivers side when Hotch calls your name.

"Y/N." Him saying your name doesn't leave room for you to walk away. You slowly turn to face him and you see his lips in a straight line and his eyebrows furrowed. He starts to walk towards you, his limp so prevalent and you can't keep it together anymore. Your eyes fill with tears threatening to spill over and you know that if you start to cry you won't be able to stop.

Hotch gently grabs your shoulder and sighs as he asks you again if you're ok and you can't keep your emotions and tears at bay any longer. Tears start to fall down your cheeks as you try to speak.

"It's just... this case was so much... we thought we had it figured out and that we could catch them but they were always a step ahead of us" The tears keep rolling and you can't stop talking even if you wanted too. A sob breaks out of your mouth and you drop your head as your body shakes with your cries. "All I can think about is the what ifs, all I can see is that surveillance video of you being BLOWN up Hotch" You're aware that your voice is much louder than it needs to be and Hotch's ear rings and aches but he acts like it doesn't bother him. "You got flung across a street Hotch! Derek climbed into a goddamn ambulance with an explosive that would have decimated three blocks of this city at least!" Your breathing is erratic, chest falling and raising quickly. You're using your hands very expressively and Hotch grabs both of your arms to try and slow you down.

"I need you to breathe Y/N" he says but you're not listening.

"I thought you had died when I saw that video!" you sob. " And you weren't answering your phone!"

"I left it behind, I forgot about it" He responds "I didn't mean to I'm sorry" his voice is quiet and gentle.

"And then once we were in the hospital Derek took off like a madman and when the ambulance blew up I thought he was in it!" You are still almost yelling, the tears have not slowed at all, in fact they may have sped up. You keep rambling about how you thought you had lost Hotch and then how you thought you had lost Derek. Starting to stumble over your words you stop talking and just start to sob, pulling your hands up over your face.

Suddenly you're pulled into Hotch's chest, one arm wraps around the middle of your back securing you to him, and the other goes to the back of your head. You can his thumb moving on your back trying to calm you. You know your tears are staining his clothes but you can't seem to care, you also wouldn't be able to escape his hug even if you wanted to.

He holds you as you cry, not caring that you are on a busy sidewalk, ignoring peering eyes. His only concern right now is you.

"I know that this case was a lot Y/N" he begins "this case demanded a lot of us, and we were put into dangerous situations. But I'm ok" He moves his hands to grab the sides of your face and pull your head up so that you can look at each other. "Derek and I are ok, some healing time is necessary but we're alive and well."

Your cries have stopped and now you're just left with a runny nose. Sniffling you take a step out of the embrace allowing his hands to fall back to his sides. You let out a singular breathy laugh and wipe your face with your hands.

"You're right" you agree with him, Derek and Hotch are alive and that is what matters the most. "I'm still gonna kick Derek's ass for what he did."

Hotch exhales through his nose and cracks a small smile "why don't we start driving back to Quantico L/N, its a long journey ahead of us."

You nod and climb into the drivers seat of the car, immediately refusing his offer to drive. Turning the key in the ignition and plugging in the offices address into the GPS, you take one deep breath and let it out slowly as you turn on the blinker and pull out into traffic.

The car is silent for a few minutes before you decide to break it

"Hotch?" you ask. He turns his head to you, prompting you to continue, "promise me you won't tell the others that I just cried in your arms for a minute in the middle of down town New York?" You glance over at him and you see a small smirk form on his face.

"I would never" he responds. I also won't say that it was five minutes not one he thinks to himself.

a/n ok im kinda proud of this, and i hope i can articulate myself well enough, literally just watched this episode for the first time and i cried. if it sucks or you have any tips for me to write better please let me know! I really hope you enjoy it and I hope i get to make more fics hehe

[gretavanmoon]

an omnipresent force • ch 5

Chapter 5 - DARK ABDUCTION

Jake x female reader

Words: 12K

A/N: Semi-AU// Set six years in the future, the world has decided to cast humankind aside, starting with the poisonous entities that are destroying her the most.

*So sorry it took me a damned month to write this LOL I love you all

Warnings: Dystopian Horror, Cursing, Suspense, Feelings of Fear and Uncertainty, An Apocalyptic World, Violence (& mention of firearms), Mentions of Smoking, Kidnapping, Blood, Death & Dying, Lying, Attacks, Deceit, Panic, Mental Anguish. Smut: Kissing, Heavy Pining, Heavy Touching, Mentions of Sex

JAKE

“Wait, you two kissed?” Sam places his hand harshly on my shoulder as his tired eyes delve deeply into mine. I see the tiniest hint of a smirk poking at his mouth, and I immediately regret my decision to let the admission of what happened last night slip. I’m struck silent for a second as I bite my own tongue for telling my brother what happened on the wall by the koi pond, but he perseveres. “Answer me, asshole! Tell me what happened!” His hand shakes at my shoulder as I glance around to be sure we’re away from the rest of the group, but I feel Danny’s presence suddenly hovering at my back.

“Wait, what happened?” he says with a monotone grunt, sitting down beside Sam and I with a plate full of canned something. “Who kissed somebody?”

Jesus Christ.

We’d all awoken from the restlessness of sorry excuses for sleep nearly an hour ago, buried up under old, musty quilts and blankets from the home Odin had us hiding out in. I fell asleep with Y/N’s hand in mine as we laid head to head on the dusty cushions, trying our best to calm our minds enough to sleep. We knew we needed it, hell, even if we didn’t fall into unconsciousness, just resting our bodies enough to relax was helpful enough. My mind had raced all night long with half-asleep dreams of Josh… of my parents and my family, all my dark daily thoughts even darker then under the cover of nighttime and complete silence. 

But her warm hand in mine gave me some type of solace, though she is still yet unfamiliar and more or less a stranger to me, that kiss on the wall felt like more than just two humans begging for physical touch after so many months without it. Deep down I knew that my body was acting more powerfully than my mind, taking whatever it could get just to feel something again, but after sitting with the memory of the feeling of her lips on mine all night long, I started to think it felt like something different.

Luckily Y/N had taken off to the woods to do her business, giving me a second of reprieve to sort my thoughts out while Odin and the brothers made some type of breakfast over the fire in the backyard. Sparrow was still deep in sleep, resting peacefully in the bedroom across the hall from us. 

“Jake kissed Y/N!” Sam belts to Danny in a loud whisper, earning him a swift slap of the back of my hand across his stomach. “Ow, fuck! What, you didn’t want him to know or something?”

“No, I don’t care that he knows, it’s just… not a big deal–”

“Not a big deal? Jake, this is like the first episode of a soap opera, man!” Danny exclaims with a toothy smile. “Need some romantic drama in my life, tell us what happened,” Danny orders as the two of them sit beside me with expressions of extreme interest. For a split second, it feels like we’re 16 again, telling each other stories about girls and hookups and how we managed to sneak out after midnight without getting caught.

“No drama to it, Daniel,” I begin to reluctantly explain, running my hand over my mustache. “Just… kinda happened, I dunno.” I stare back at the both of them, all three of us haggard, dirty, unshaven and feral… looking outwardly worse for wear than we ever have in our lives. I make a mental note to re-think what Y/N even sees in me, right now.  

Their eyes are trained on me, their jaws hanging slack as they wait with bated breath for the dirty details. It feels private, but also…eh, they’re going to learn about it eventually, I guess. I’ll keep a little bit to myself, but feeding into them will make for some unexpected entertainment. 

“Just happened…” Sam repeats. “I mean was it, good?” he asks, swallowing down his excitement. You’d never guess that we’re thirty-something year old men having this discussion right now. 

I feel my chest bloom with the memory of it, remembering everything about how she felt pressed against me, how she tasted, how she sounded when I let my hands wander…

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, it was… really good,” I can feel my cheeks blushing. “We just…” I throw my hands into the air and try to down play it all, but they know me too well. The bite of my lips between my teeth is doing all it can to keep me from relinquishing every detail to them, simply so I can relive it, myself.

“Fuckin’ come on, Jake. I didn’t realize you guys were that close…” Danny tries to urge me.

“We’re not, I mean, we were locked up in the same pod, she was a damned fan, for fuck’s sake,” I breathe, checking our surroundings again as I whisper. “She saved me, back at the sink hole…” I recount to them. “Got me out of there. They’d just hit me over the head when I was trying to save her Paps, I was passing out. I wouldn’t have made it out if she didn’t–”

I watch them adjust themselves as they listen, huffing through deep breaths of imagining what my negative memory might be going through. 

“I mean of course I’m… ya know. It’s been some time since I’ve—,” I try and explain without saying, earning understanding nods from them. “But things got a little…handsy, I guess.”

“Oooo!” Sam squeals, rubbing his hands together.  “You lucky motherfucker! What else happened? Did you do it?”

“God, no, Sam, we didn’t do it, you fuckin’ idiot,” I bite back as Danny laughs loudly. 

“What?” he howls. “I’m trying to live vicariously here!”

“Nah man, she’s like… really nice. It was really uhm, not just physical, I guess. We talked and stuff. She feels like…” I raise my hands and squeeze the air as I realize I’m having a hard time explaining to them exactly what I feel. Of course my body is feigning for more human touch, any type of connection I can get my hands on. I’m ashamed of the thoughts that plagued me on the couch last night, but I remind myself that it’s normal. And, after hearing what she had to say about a little touchin’ and squeezin’...

“She feels good. I don’t know how else to explain it. Just, really good. All the way around.”

“So there’s mutual attraction?” Sam asks, nearly begging for more detail.

I fight back another smirk. “Oh yeah. M’sure of that.”

“I saw her looking at you last night,” Danny adds quietly as he pulls food into his mouth. “She got those googly eyes.”

“Of course she did, Daniel, do you not remember being on stage? It hasn’t been that fucking long ago…” Sam bickers.

“No,” Danny laughs, “not that kind of eyes. She was looking at you. Like, really looking. With concern and empathy…while we were listening to Sparrow talk.”

All I can do is nod, remembering that I’ve caught her looking at me like that, too. A few times now. And each time it sends a surge of some type of emotion that I don’t have time to think about right now straight through my body like an electric shock. It’s funny, I’ve had my fair share of what you’d call crushes in my lifetime, some evolving into serious, years-long relationships and some fizzling out before I even had a chance to think twice about them. 

But never have I felt like I didn’t want to eat the food in front of me when I’m nearly starving, simply for the fact that the emanating peace I’ve felt in my chest and stomach for the past few days takes up enough space that I don’t need sustenance. Because she fills me. She’s making my heart race for a reason that I don’t yet understand, and I’m teetering on the edge of feeling guilty about it, as my heart should be racing with worry and concern for my family, instead. 

“Well,” Sam breaks the silence, “I hope that things stay moving forward for you, brother. Nothing like a little romance during the fucking apocalypse.”

Just then I hear her giggle from the back side of the house, causing my head to dart that way as I long to hear it again. I toss the pebbles that I had mindlessly picked up back into the murky koi pond and stand with Sam and Daniel, and we begin to make our way back to the fire to see what the day will hold. 

I catch her eyes as soon as I round the corner of the house, bright and rested as I assume she got better sleep than I did. Her face immediately turns the prettiest shade of pink before she shyly breaks her gaze, tossing a few pieces of hair behind her ear. That familiar knot pulls at my stomach, making me forget how to breathe for a second as I watch the too-bright sun bounce off her features. The day is already beginning to feel strange as the wind begins to shift from the warmth of the night into the freezing cold of the day. 

“Where is Odin?” Danny asks the brothers as they work to prepare a makeshift meal. 

“Went to sit with Sparrow until she wakes up,” Robbie answers as he stirs whatever is in the pot that hangs above the fire. “Want some?” He holds the wooden spoon out to me as I realize it’s some kind of oatmeal, and I immediately feel my stomach churn with hunger. Maybe I do need real sustenance, after all. I nod, grabbing two bowls from the stack and letting Robbie fill them for Y/N and I. 

I pass the bowl off to her as we both take our seats on a rock by the fire. “Awfully kind of you to think of me, Jacob,” she says sweetly, taking the hot bowl from my hand. 

You’re the only thing that’s been on my mind since last night, if we’re being honest…

“Sharing is caring,” I blurt, making her giggle again. 

“Do we have a plan? Are we making moves soon?” Danny asks, turning the bleak cheeriness of the morning straight into business. We always leave it to him to keep things on track. And honestly, if it weren’t for him naturally doing that at every single turn, it’s hard to tell where we would be today.

“As soon as Sparrow wakes up, and we see that she’s ready to share again, we will define a more detailed plan,” Josiah explains. “For now, Odin wants you all fed and for us to gather necessary supplies from the house. I found some backpacks and camping gear in the upstairs closet, we can fill them with whatever we need.” 

I tilt the bowl up and let the soupy oatmeal fall into my mouth, and as it burns my lips and tongue I feel nothing but gratitude for it. My mouth waters and my stomach churns again as it thanks me, my mind suddenly feeling a bit of clarity as the food hits my stomach. 

“We also need to hydrate. All of us,” Robbie adds. “I think these people were preppers before we even knew the world was ending… I found a ton of canteens and potable water in the basement this morning. Firestarters, water filters, hot hands, oil lamps… take whatever you want but make sure it doesn’t weigh you down. There’s also still a ton of clothing in the closets. Grab whatever you can.”

“We also need to remember that we’re being hunted,” Josiah says grimly from behind him. His eyes seem dark in the sunlight, a stark contrast to his brother’s cheery disposition. “Hunted by the ones who Robbie and I ‘work’ for.”

“Worked,” Robbie corrects him, glaring behind him to meet eyes with his brother. My gut suddenly falls as a worrisome thought flows through my head, one that hopes to the heavens above that these men aren’t actually luring us somewhere. I know Y/N, Sam, and Danny have the same thought, but it’s quickly extinguished as Josiah explains his demeanor. 

“Right, worked. Sorry. I’m just…” Josiah works his hands over his face and licks his lips, letting out a large breath of air as he shakes his nerves away. It hadn’t dawned on me that these two men have put everything out on the line for this, for us. To help save us, keep us protected. They are just humans like we are, just a couple of guys who agreed to fight the good fight. Of course they’re feeling just as overwhelmed. 

“We haven’t forgotten that, Josiah. And I don’t think you know how much we appreciate you both for coming out here and helping defend our asses,” Sam says through full mouths of his oatmeal. The other three of us agree and nod.

“We’re not gonna let these motherfuckers win,” Robbie growls. “They mistreated us for far too long. Lied to us, and we played their games, but we caught them up. Now we know how they operate. We’ll be damned if we let them take anything more from us.”

“Your family, are we searching for them, too?” Y/N asks from beside me. 

Robbie and Josiah share a sullen glance before their eyes land back on her. “No, we lost them all to the rash. Dad was able to stay with us for a while, but. It got him in the end,” Robbie says, tossing a few pieces of broken sticks into the flames. 

“Neither one of us have even shown any symptoms. Then we got picked up by these scary fuckers, they agreed to give us shelter and a lavish life in safety from what has happened to the world. Not sure why we agreed, we felt desperate at the time, I guess,” Josiah adds. “They said they would make it worth our while to come and work for them, and before we knew it we were in too deep. But we did learn nearly everything there was to know about how their world intersects with ours, and then we learned about you guys being found. Made all the musical ties ourselves, realized all the lyrics, knew that you’d be in grave danger, and we were right.”

“I still can’t believe you two were fans, too,” Danny breathes. “Feels strange.”

“Yeah man, big time. Used to play you guys all the time while we were overseas, bugged the shit out of everyone until they all started singing along. Took some time, but we converted them,” Josiah went on. 

“Wait, overseas?” I implore. 

Robbie clears his throat. “Yeah, we were both in the military. I was Air Force, Joe was Marines. We were both stationed separately when Starcatcher came out, but I remember we got on some shitty Zoom call and talked about it for like an hour. We were hyped.”

“Oh yeah!” Josiah yelps. “That was killer, I remember that. Fuck I played that shit over and over, got the whole squad turned on to you guys. Playin’ fuckin Highway Tune on jukeboxes in random bars in Germany… ah, what wild times.”

I feel a genuine smile warm through me as I realize that our music really did tie bonds between people, and they found comfort in it even while they were living in what most likely was their own versions of hell. Even now, months after we realized that our dreams had come to a quick and forced ending, it feels good to hear the stories of days past, when it truly did mean something to someone. At least we all will always have that. “So that’s why they hired you guys… you had experience in this shit…”

They both nod. “Yeah, somewhat. We ended up coming back home around the same time, I got an MP job, and Joe stayed with Special Forces for a while. Got out and got some civilian jobs or whatever, then the world ended,” Robbie says with a twist of his neck. 

I gulp down the strange sadness that has washed over me, and I feel Y/N’s side press a little harder onto mine. 

“Bet that was tough…” I mutter. 

“Yeah, ya know. We didn’t hate our lives, but it wasn’t sunshine and rainbows. The thrill of the job is what we got addicted to, but it felt like a prison most days,” Josiah goes on. “Now we deserted our posts as work hounds for those motherfuckers, guess we’re a couple of renegades, now.”

Danny’s eyes shoot open as he glances to them, then to me, realizing yet another connection that hadn’t even dawned on any of us, yet. Son of a bitch, Josh…how in the fuck did you do this? 

I shake my head in disbelief, feeling Y/N exhale hard as she makes the connection, too. It’s quiet for a minute or so as a heaviness falls over us.  

“Till Valhalla?” I finally ask, unsure of how else to propose it. 

Josiah purses his lips, offering me a stern look. “Or is it Alas, Babylon?”

I huff through my nose, breathing a quiet “fuck” as I place my bowl down onto the rocky ground, running my hands over my face. They’ve realized it, too. As the minutes tick, things become more and more unreal. Or more real, depending on how you look at it. I’m awestruck at how our words are still coming to life at every turn, realizing now that these two brothers are our Barbarians. 

“Well, thank you, guys… for all of it. Really,” Sam says with a little conviction as we all add in our words of agreement.

“Ah, no need for that. But it’s appreciated,” Josiah says as he stands up and elbows his brother. “We’re just out here still doing what we do best, huh?”

Just as the conversation starts to lighten a little, we hear the back sliding glass door open as Odin gently bounds through, giving us looks of intrigue as his one orange eye glistens in the sun. Behind him in hand, is Sparrow. 

“Good morning, everyone. I trust you all got some rest,” his voice is low and graveled as he uses caution to lead a tired Sparrow outside into the cool wind. 

“Got enough, I suppose,” I say, standing to greet them. “How are you, Sparrow?”

Her aura seems to shift as she moves, the air around her almost glittering in a dusty haze. “Well, Jacob, thank you.” It’s like the breeze warms as she speaks, blowing across us with a new wave of positivity and calmness. She emotes some kind of invisible tranquility, almost immediately filling me with a new gumption to keep going, keep fighting. I can hardly fathom the emotion, but I feel a warm buzz of stamina begin pulsing through my veins. She makes me feel like I’m…alive. 

Odin leads her over to take a seat on a bench as she hobbles across the gravel with her hand clutched protectively over her sword. 

“Is she…limping?” I hear Y/N whisper quietly in my ear, again furthering that the visions of her in Josh’s dreams were spot on. 

I nod slowly as she begins to relax onto the seat, stretching her back and raising her arms high above her head. “My friends, my sincerest apologies for bestowing that news upon you with such haste last night, but I thought it prevalent to our situation, and urgency became paramount. And then, my slumber afterward is always overpowering, and again I am sorry. I simply can never fight through it…” 

I feel Y/N rise from her seat beside me as she wraps a blanket around herself, making her way over to sit beside Sparrow. “It’s alright, you don’t need to be sorry. I think we are all grateful that you’re here, and willing to help us, right guys?”

“Right, absolutely,” we all viciously agree. At this point, I’m chomping at the bit for her to continue, to feed us more information that I know she is holding inside her. But I’ve learned that patience is key. 

We all gather in around her like children being read a Christmas story, anxiously waiting to hear what new news she has to offer. I’m nervous, and I’m a little scared to know, but I also can’t bring myself to think about anything else at the moment. The newfound urge to keep going is amplified the closer I get to Sparrow, but I also could absolutely collapse with worry for my brother. 

“Alright, I’ve got good news, and I’ve got bad news…”

Y/N

I feel the overwhelming urge to reach out and grab Sparrow’s hand, but I resist, not knowing whether or not that will comfort her at all. I’m not sure where my want to comfort her has come from, but I can’t seem to step away from it. 

The guys and I sit and wait for her news, and I’m positive none of us have taken a breath since the last word left her lips. My nerves are swirling but I suppress them, knowing that Jake, Sam, and Danny are a thousand times more anxious than I am. Paps would want me to stay strong.

“The good news is that your brother is alive. And he is safe, in some sense of the word,” she sings, her accent flowing through a hundred millenia, but all of us are somehow able to understand it. “My friends, as I’m sure you all have probably assumed by now, Joshua has been found and captured by those who rule the Tower. His mind is still his own, but you must understand, once one crosses into the other world and begins inserting oneself with the beliefs of those who inhabit there, it takes a great deal of power to begin to reverse it. The words that flowed from me last night were indeed words spoken by your brother, himself, to the people there whom he will one day rule over.”

“Wait, rule over? What does that mean?” I interrupt, my body tensing. 

“Jacob, your brother is a Seer. Even in his adolescent dreams and nightmares, he was witnessing and experiencing a plethora of occurrences that were happening in real time, in the past and in the future, in our world. You know this, now. You wrote about it, about it all. Once our people learned that Joshua possessed this gift through learning of your music, they made it their mission to try and take him for their own. To rule over them as the true one that they could believe in, the one who stands, and watches over,” Sparrow says. My chest caves and my breath hitches as it all begins to come to life again. All of our lyrics, all of our stories…

She goes on, “Of course they wanted him, they just had no idea that a mere human would be the one to possess the power to see time. Time and events being prophesied by a human man in an enemy world is… unfathomable, for them. The end of your world just happened to be the perfect time for them to act upon their plans, as our worlds cannot live while the other is struggling to stay alive. Two sides of the same coin, spinning rapidly on its axis until it begins to slow and falter. But this time, oh, this time, things are different.”

“So they wanted Josh… to be their Seer, to be the one who can warn them of what’s to come, what will work in their favor, and what will not…” Sam drones, choking back tears. 

“Correct, Samuel. Odin, have you told them of what they are doing to their elderly? With their memories?” Sparrow asks. 

Odin shakes his head. “Yes, I have.”

“Your immune elders are being used for their experiments. They are trying to wipe their memories, wipe anything and everything they have ever known to soon bring them over into their own world, and convert them to follow the Seer. A whole new population that will know nothing but following him.”

“Blind faith…” Danny murmurs from beside me, his elbow pressing into my back. “It’s their fate.”

“That’s right Daniel,” Sparrow agrees, emanating another glow of positivity around us. “Blind in the sense that they will have no recollection of how they got there, or why they feel compelled to follow this omniscient. It’s the perfect storm.”

“You said that the hooded guards are all omniscient, why can’t they use one of them? Why does it have to be Josh?” I press, remembering what Odin had said. 

“I said they are all nearly omniscient. Your brother, in their eyes, is completely so,” Odin reiterates. 

I huff out an air of disappointment for news that I partially already knew, but hearing it all said out loud has crushed me. Why? Why?

“Josh didn’t know what we were writing about was real, though! They can’t take him and claim his mind like that, they can’t take away his free will!” I yell, feeling my heartrate taking off. 

“They can, Jacob, and they have already begun the process. You heard his words last night, and I know you know they were not his own. They’ve begun to manipulate his thoughts into believing that all he claims is truth, which partially, it is. They are deeming him as a new leader, a sovereign entity of whom will lead the people to their destiny.”

“Destiny? What destiny?” Danny asks.

“If their trials are successful, and they are able to completely wipe the memories of every immune human left on earth, they will take them all as their own and the Earth will have no choice but to relinquish all its power unto them,” Sparrow barks, and I can tell that the words sting a bit as they leave her mouth. 

“But I thought our worlds can’t exist without one another,” Y/N blurts, her hand now gripping hard onto mine. 

“They can’t, my love, without inhabitants who are strong and thriving.” Sparrow stands and approaches us, her warmth bellowing toward us as she raises her hand to brush across all of our faces. “That’s why they are hunting you. You are worth everything to them. If they can erase the memories of your elders, then they will be sure they can erase the memories of the stronger, younger immunes. Wipe your Mother Earth of her inhabitants, and watch as she completely crumbles. Once they convert you all, then their world will have more than enough power to exist on it’s own, without needing the support of Earth to survive.”

She comes in closer, her aura dripping with what feels like forced happiness. “You see, they want to fully extinguish the human race from the face of the Earth. They want you as their own. Their plan is to take you all, and Joshua is their sole key to the abductions.”

Abductions. 

Suddenly, I can’t breathe. 

I can’t blink, I can’t swallow… I can’t even feel the rocks that I know are poking through the thinning soles of my boots. 

Jake’s hand slips from my own as I feel him slowly turn to me, and to Sam and Danny, all of their faces void of any real emotion at all, other than complete terror. 

“This isn’t fair…” I whisper, and I’m not sure any sound came from me, at all. It feels like my chest is made of stone, the small breaths I’m pulling in unable to expand my lungs. Josh…

“What do we do?” Jake asks us, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down as his pupils shrink to pinpoints. His face has dropped to a stark white, and I can feel the terrified energy radiating from him. His eyes dart from his brothers to me, looking to all of us for answers that we simply don’t have. “What do we do?” Tears begin welling in his eyes and the rims of them turn a bright red. I can see his hands visibly shaking.

“We search. Today. We leave, now,” Odin harks, standing from Sparrow’s side as he throws his bow and arrow over his shoulder. “Into the house, pack your bags, take only all that is necessary and nothing more. Pack water, warm clothing. Josiah, Robbie, the same for you. Make sure you lock all of the doors and windows, we will return to this place eventually.”

“Where are we going? What’s the plan?” Danny asks as everyone begins to shuffle. 

“First we find your families. Get them to safety. Then we find your brother and cross him back over. That will be the hard part,” he says, punching through all of us to go and begin packing his horse. Danny, Sam, and the others jump into action and begin rushing into the house to pack their things.

I notice that Jake is frozen where he stands, the news that Sparrow has just shared still coursing through him. I fear he is in shock, feeling the effects of learning the truth about his twin fully and completely. Truly, I’m not sure what to even say to him right now, but then I look to Sparrow and she gives me a tight grin, and I immediately feel another wave of comfort and courage wash over us. 

“Jake, I know you’re scared right now, and I know this is a lot to process, but. We’re going to find him, he’s going to be okay,” I reason, taking his cheeks into my hands to try to get him to look at me. 

“How do you know that, Y/N? What if we can’t get to him, and he’s already too far gone? What if he– what if he never comes back?” I never thought I would see him cry, I never thought I would have to be the one comforting him when he did… But here I find myself…

“You wanna know how I know that, Jake? Blind faith.”

“What–what do you mean? That’s…”

My hands release his cheeks and fall to catch his still trembling hands, cold and clammy in the blowing air. “How do we ever know anything is going to work for certain, Jake? We don’t, we just have to persevere. Josh wouldn’t stop looking for you, and he’d never give up on you. None of you would give up on each other. Right? All these years, all you’ve done is trusted each other, because it’s all that you had. You seized every opportunity, together. And look where it got you. You can’t stop now. You can’t think thoughts like that now, Jake. We don’t have time for them. Every single one of you is stronger than you know, and I’ll be damned if I sit here and watch you crumble because of a little fear. You’ve overcome so much, Jake, in your lives and in your careers, because of your blind faith.”

“Kill fear,” he whispers. 

I watch as his pupils grow a bit, and his muscles relax. I wipe the tears that are beginning to freeze onto his face, catching in his lengthening beard and mustache. “Yeah, fuck fear,” I smile.

He nods, turning his head to press a sweet kiss onto my palm. “Okay, yeah. You’re right. We’re gonna find him, he’s gonna be alright, the son of a bitch.” I smile as he picks himself up, gripping my hands that are still cupping his cheeks and placing more kisses onto my palms and fingers. “Thank you…”

I push myself onto him, wrapping my arms around his neck as he finally takes his first full breath in a few minutes. “Don’t thank me, Jake. You don’t know how many times you and your brothers have comforted me when I thought there was nothing else left for me in this world. You and your music were always there.” 

I hear him laugh, his chest shaking a little against mine as I realized the words I’d just said. “I didn’t mean to say that, it just came out,” I laugh along with him as he pulls away a little, holding my elbows in his hands. 

“Hell, maybe he dreamed about you and me too, then,” he mutters, sending my heart straight into glittering explosions. What did I do to deserve spending this time with him? The person that pulled me from the depths so many times… and now we’ve found ourselves here…

“Maybe he did…” I reply shyly, feeling his thumbs grazing across my arms. 

“Hey, love birds! Come on, we’ve got bags to pack!” We hear Sam yelling from the upstairs balcony of the house, and if it weren’t for the immediate action we jumped into, I would have had time to process the fact that Sam just used the word love.

JAKE

Only all that is necessary…

You always think about what you would grab and take with you if your house was burning down, but when it actually came down to it, you always knew you’d be able to gather resources again. Meals from a neighbor, supplies from the store, fuel from a gas station… 

But when it comes down, truly, to only what is necessary… I think I’ve drawn a blank. 

The empty backpack sits open in my hands as I kneel in the closet of the stranger’s house, my eyes scanning over the clothing that once kept this person warm. Sweaters that his wife had gifted him, socks with holes he had worn in, boots still covered in mud and debris from the hike he didn’t know was going to be his last... 

I swallow hard as my eyes scan even further into the bottom of the closet, shelves full of old memorabilia, high-school basketball trophies, photo albums, old vinyl records… these were part of someone’s life. And I am taking it, because I need to survive. 

“I can’t do this…” I mutter, shaking my head of the sudden overwhelming feeling of impeding into someone’s personal space, though their earthly body is long gone from this home. 

“You have to,” I hear from the doorway, looking up to see Robbie looking back at me. “Promise you, this guy wouldn’t care.”

I huff through my nose. “How would you know, did you know him?”

“No, but I feel like if he knew that it’s the actual end of the earth, the seasons are blending, your family was kidnapped by inhabitants of another world, and you’re running around with mythical creatures while you’re being hunted and used for your mind, I’m pretty positive he wouldn’t care if you stole a pair of socks or two,” Robbie says sarcastically as he gnaws on a long piece of red candy. “Twizzler?”

I laugh again, opening the drawer that houses the underwear and socks. “Yeah, actually, thanks. They aren’t stale?”

“Fuck yeah, they are. But it don’t bother me. Just keeps my hands and mouth busy, ya know?”

I stuff two pairs of woolen socks into a zippered part of the bag before removing my boots and slipping a fresh pair on. “You used to smoke, didn’t you?” I ask. 

“How’d you know?”

“Just a guess,” I reply, reaching far back into the closet to grab a pair of the man’s old hiking boots, happy with finding we were almost the exact same size. “I would have gotten you a pack or five if I’d have known… Right before you found us, we were in an old convenience store chock full of them. That’s where Y/N and I found Sam and Danny.”

Robbie grunts a laugh as he pulls another rogue Twizzler from his pocket, handing it off to me. “Sounds like we might have to make a pitstop.” 

It does sound intriguing… A cigarette would be fucking glorious, right about now. “Might could make that happen…”

“So Y/N… you didn’t know her before?” he asks, piquing my interest.

I shake my head. “No, just in the pods. She used to listen to us a lot, like you and Josiah did, so I guess she knew me, kinda… Why?”

I see him shrug from the corner of my eye. “Just wonderin’. Ya’ll seem pretty close.”

I shrug back, pulling a hoodie off a metal hanger. “Guess you could say that.” I pop the Twizzler into my mouth and bite off the end, zipping the overfull bag closed and tossing it over my shoulder. “Kinda feel like she’s mine to protect.”

He tosses me the last candy in his pocket as I stand and face him, watching his jaw work as he chews. “Raid the bathroom, too,” he suggests. “Soap would be nice.”

—-

“Got everything you need?” I ask Y/N as everyone gathers out back again. We’re all in a slow-motion hurry, now, as the morning is slowly drifting into noon. 

“Uh, yeah, think so,” she says, zipping the oversized pullover she’d found up around her chin, and pulling a toboggan down over her ears. “It’s so hard to think about it being so hot at night, and there’s ice blowing through the air, now…”

“I know, everything is so backwards,” I agree, leaning down to re-tie my boots. 

As I stand back up, she pulls me to the side, causing me to stumble a little bit into her. “Come here…” she whispers, her hand gripped hard in my jacket. 

“Yeah, whoa, yeah?” I laugh as she catches my fall and takes me in her embrace. 

“I found something else, while I was searching the house,” she whispers, her eyes trained on my face. 

“Oh?” I ask. “What’d you find?”

She reaches into her pocket, pulling out a brand new razor and a tiny bottle of travel shaving cream. My face falls and I feel my lips flatten into a sarcastic look. “What, you got a problem with this more rugged side of me, or somethin’?” I rake my fingernails through my beard, scratching hard at it. 

She glances around and sees that everyone else is taken up by their own tasks before she wraps her hands in my jacket, pulling me forward into her and around the corner of the house. We stumble back underneath the second-floor porch, hiding in the shadows and away from the wind a bit. She grips me again, pulling me into her as she speaks. 

“No. I love it. Really suits you,” she murmurs, her eyes traveling quickly from my eyes to my mouth. I watch as her breath turns to steam as she exhales, heavy and hot even in the blistering cold. It’s strange to say, but I almost feel like she beckons me without even saying a word. 

And fuck, she is so…

“Know what else I love about it? You feel more mature to me like this, I’ve always been one to prefer facial hair.”

“So I’m guessing you hated it when I used to shave my mustache off for shows, then?” I implore with a teasing tone, leaning in and letting my nose drift over hers playfully. “I couldn’t even grow a beard until I turned 31…”

“Yeah, used to get real fuckin’ mad about it,” she smiles, lurching her hips into mine. “We all used to place bets on if you’d show up with or without one. I lost most of the time, because you always shaved the damned thing off. But I guess it’s also cool that I’m the only one who’s ever seen you like this…”

I growl a laugh, gritting my teeth and feeling the need to be near her again. I feel flushed, even in the cold blowing air, but being near her makes me forget about every bad thing that’s surrounding us. I let my cold hands snake up under her coat, searching like hell to find her bare skin. Finally I find her stomach, attaching my cold palms to it and her hips. “Yeah, actually, I guess you’re right. Just you…”

“Fuck…” she breathes, her body shivering from my touch. “Just me?”

“Just you…” I repeat, taking her bottom lip between my teeth. God, she makes me want to lay her the fuck down, right here in this freezing cold grass. My mind begins spinning with want again as I feel her body weight pressing itself into me, my hands beginning to freely do what they please underneath her layers of shirts, just as they had last night. “What’s the razor for, then? If you like it so well?” 

Her hand comes up and grips the base of my neck, squeezing hard as I allow my hands to finally grip at her tits. She lets out a pitiful sound as her head falls back a little, spurring me on to keep exploring. I can feel her nipples hardening in my fingers, and I’m fighting with everything in me to stop myself from getting too excited, but the more her chest heaves, the harder it gets to concentrate. Her lips are ghosting across mine, and I feel her warm breath landing on my tongue. I need to taste her again.

“Just giving you the option to shave, if you wanted to,” she breathes, her eyes fluttering open and closed. “If not, you can pass it off to Danny.”

Her hand comes around and grips at my jaw, forcing me to thrust my hips into her again. I feel warm all over, almost as if the wind isn’t cutting us in two. There’s no way she can’t tell I’m impossibly hard now, and if the circumstances were different…

“If you like it, I love it,” I breathe into her as our bodies begin lurching and craning onto each other, my hands still massaging at her breasts. God, what I’d give to see her…

“Kiss me, Jake,” she mumbles into my mouth, our lips already almost touching, anyway. My mouth finally overtakes hers, my tongue unable to fight any longer as it begins exploring without any warning. She reacts the same way, pressing her chest more harshly into my hands, practically begging me to feel her even more. We stay this way for a minute or so, just like we did by the koi pond, our bodies pressing and moving as I forcefully back her up against the cold block wall of the house. 

She pushes me away a little, but catches her fingertips in the waistband of my pants, giving her a split second’s access to slip her hand inside. God fucking damnit. 

I take it as it comes as I feel her frozen hand work its way into my boxers, wasting no time in taking me fully in her hand. “Jesus Christ, baby…” I all but moan as I feel my head tilt back on its own. I reach for the wall behind her to steady myself as she squeezes me, her palm soft and gentle but using a little bit of force to show me what she wants. I come in close again, kissing her like my life fully depends on it. “Mmhmm…” I moan against her, my lips vibrating onto hers. 

“Call me baby again,” she whispers when we disconnect for a second to breathe. 

“Baby, baby, baby…” I say quietly, rolling my hips into her hand. “I’ll call you anything you fuckin’ want…”

She whimpers quietly into my mouth again as she pulls at my hair, knotted and ratty at the base of my neck. I’m reminded again of the thought of what she actually sees in me right now, dirty and gritted and unclean, but then again, she probably thinks of herself all the same. Her hair is tangled, her features are tired and a little sunburnt, yet I see her as the most beautiful thing I’ve encountered in ages. All of the things that society deemed as making a person desirable have flown out the window. Because truly, none of it fucking matters. 

Her hand grips around me again as my fingernails dig into the cinderblock, pulsing and throbbing as she takes her time with her show of intimacy. The essence of her is satiating all my senses… her taste, her scent, her touch… 

Then it hits me- this is the rawest I’ve ever felt in my life. 

Attraction comes in all shapes and sizes, and when you stumble upon it, it can either knock you down or confuse you even further. I’ve always been positive in what I want; I know exactly what attracts me and keeps my attention. And I’ve prided myself on that. Coming of age also determines and filters out what you do and do not want in life, and in a lover. And I know that my vision is blurred right now with this overwhelming need to fornicate, but shit, if she isn’t turning all of my past ideals about myself and what I want on their fucking tops. 

She’s different… she’s headstrong and brave, smarter than I could ever even think about being. She’s bold, and she’s unashamed. She acts as though she comes from a time that she didn’t have any business being in. She’s fucking beautiful, taking my breath away with every stolen glance. Yet she’s reserved in all the ways that I am… thinking before she speaks, studying people before she trusts them. I can tell all of this about her, and I’ve committed it all to memory, and I’ve only known her for less than a few weeks. 

Raw, unbridled and desperate, the wind biting at our cheeks as the wetness of our kiss coats our lips and faces, her hand gripping over me still, without any shyness about her aura, at all. Her preference of privacy stunning me as she shows me that she wants me just as badly as I want her. Not because of who she knew me as for the majority of our lives, but who she sees me as right now, untamed and ravenous for one another. And I am fucking enamored.

My hand leaves her breast and travels to grip her ass, covered in layers of pants and coveralls, but I don’t care. I hike her leg up across my hip, letting our bodies become closer as the cold wind whips through the bright green trees. I glance around every few seconds so that I’m positive we’re still alone, though at this point my mind is so fogged with desire that I truly couldn’t care less if we were caught. Her body is warm and inviting, and I let my fingers grip into the muscle between her ass and thigh, squeezing and kneading the skin there as her body rolls into mine again. 

“Would it be too forward of me to say that I fucking want you?” I blurt out with a forced whisper, my mouth overtaking my mind for just a second.

She laughs a little as we separate, her pupils blown as she shakes her head quickly from side to side. “No. It wouldn’t be too forward at all,” she says, squeezing me harder than she has, yet. “I’m the one with my hand on your cock, stupid.”

Fuck fuck fuck. Shit, get it together. My body shudders as I let out a quiet grunt of aggravation, completely blown with desire as my fist pounds into the wall that’s holding us up.

I swear if we weren’t fucking leaving in two goddamned minutes…

“I swear to god, baby, I do…” I growl again, making her grip on me move at a quicker pace. 

Just then we’re surprised by loud conversation near the fire pit, a rustle of everyone gathering up again breaking us from our intertwinement. She removes her hand from my pants and I adjust myself, rolling my eyes at our interruption as my teeth grit with annoyance. We both look at one another with the tiniest bit of shame on our faces, pink and wet with the after-effects of the session. I nod to the side as I silently tell her we’d better go. 

“Wait, Jake,” she whispers, pulling me back by the hand a little. “That’s not what I really wanted to give you.” Her closed fist stuffs into my jacket pocket and drops something inside it, and I watch her coyly turn and walk away with the sweetest smirk on her lips. 

Puzzled, I reach into the pocket and feel the familiar feeling of a small plastic package in my hand. A condom. I can’t help the cheesy smile that crosses my face even if I wanted to. I pull it out to inspect it, looking first and foremost for an expiration date. 

I glance back at her, purely entertained by her bold action. “2034,” she answers the question I didn’t even have to ask. “Actually found a whole box. We’ve got all kinds of time.” She shoots me a wink as she tops back into the gravel pit, going to join the others without me so as not to raise too much suspicion. 

Truly, if she thinks we’re waiting that long, she can go ahead and keep lying to herself. She has no idea what she’s doing to me, and it’s only worsening as the hours tick. For a mere five minutes, my carnal needs completely overshadowed the fact that we’re about to go on a mission that could cost us our lives, and the fact that my brother is currently being fucking brainwashed by entities that belong to another realm completely. I punish myself, but only for a second, as I know for a fact he would go on some big tirade about how humans need sex to thrive and survive in life. He wouldn’t fault me for it at all. In fact, he’d probably celebrate it with me. 

—

“Everyone gather, here is what we’re going to do,” Odin presents himself with a commanding tone, looking each of us in the eye as he speaks. We all take our places near the extinguished fire pit, backpacks and supplies in hand as we all listen intently. I try my best to calm my nerves and take in every detail of his directions, knowing that things could change at the drop of a hat. 

“Josiah and Robbie have reason to believe that your families have been taken to another set of pods just south of here, where no sinkholes have been reported as of yet. These pods are a bit smaller, locked down just as the ones you were in, but if they are going to be anywhere nearby, we assume that it is there,” he explains. “We will travel as a unit, sleep in shifts, and take cover as much as possible under the hindrance of the treelines. The brothers will scout, but we’ve decided it best to arm you, as well.”

Shit. I’ve fired a gun maybe twice, three times in my life? But when it comes to life or death…

The brothers bring us firearms that they’d found inside the home, passing them off to Danny and I. I throw it across my back and hope to the heavens above that muscle memory would kick in, had I need to actually use it. 

“I don’t believe that you will actually need these, as I will be with you always and our most dangerous threat are the hooded guards, of whom I can put to sleep with an arrow,” Odin goes on. “And I’m sorry, we can’t risk the sound of gunshot giving away our location. The smoke from this fire was already too much.”

We all bid a silent goodbye to the house that gave us the shelter we needed, and took off on foot from the coverage of the yard and nearby woodline, watching and waiting for the next threat to come our way.

Y/N

Was I too forward? Did I say too much? Did I move too fast… was the condom overkill?

A million and a half questions are rolling through my mind as we all traverse the heavy trails, making our way south to the other set of pods. We know it will be about a day’s travel, but luckily, with the guidance of Odin and the newfound spirit Sparrow had instilled in each of us, we know the journey will be fruitful. Treacherous, and probably a bit dramatic, but fruitful. Now that we have a better idea of where our families are, and likely Paps, I have a bit more pep in my step to get to him. And to Josh. 

Of course it wasn’t overkill, he reacted exactly how I expected him to. He even said he wanted me. Hello? Me?? I don’t even know what is happening between Jake and I, it’s difficult to even fathom. Just months ago he was an image on my phone screen or a video on my stupid tikok feed, but now. Now… 

I find myself wanting to text my friends again. Say, ‘You are never going to fucking believe this. Like, you’re really not…’, and they really wouldn’t. It’d be too good to be true. It’d take convincing, it’d take proof, it’d take receipts. I can hear them all squealing through voice memos, sending long strings of mismatched letters that don’t form words, immediate facetimes so they could watch me explain myself to their faces. Listen to every detail that we had all envisioned at one point or another in our lives.

But it’d never happen. I don’t even know if they’re all alive. 

“Watcha thinkin’ about?” I hear Sam’s voice suddenly startle me from watching my feet walk across the ground. 

“Oh, ah, nothing. Just…my friends,” I say to him, giving him a sullen smile as I pull my jacket closer around me. “I was thinking about what they’d say if I could tell them that I ended up meeting up with you guys. If they’d believe me.”

“Hm,” he laughs. “You think they would?”

“It’d take some convincing, but, I think they’d know I wouldn’t make something like that up,” I grin, pulling a few pieces of tree limbs away from my path. 

“Crazy that we all ended up here,” he says. “Crazy how we all found each other.”

“I know,” I breathe, glancing to Jake ten or so steps ahead of me. “I never even thought I’d even get to have a conversation with any of you, let alone–”

“Sneak off with one under a porch?” he cuts me off. 

I– oh fuck.

“Sam, what– what are you talking about,” I stutter, my face falling into a deep dark shade of red. Oh my god, if he saw us…

He lets out his classic guttural ha-ha laugh as a particularly harsh wind rips through us. His loud laugh causes Jake and Danny to whip around and look at us, and I shoot them and Sam a deathly glare. But I know that Jake probably notices the worry on my face. 

“I’m not gonna rat you out, don’t worry,” he goes on. “I didn’t see anything… just… watched you sneak off. That’s all. The rest wasn’t my business.”

“The rest?” I squeak, trying to stay quiet. “Sam!”

He’s gritting his teeth together in a huge, shit-eating smile, hissing annoying little laughs as he pulls sticks free from our way. I feel like I could trip him and watch him eat dirt right now, the little twit. Jake keeps turning around and glancing at us; he knows his brother is digging himself a cute little hole to jump into if he isn’t careful. 

“What the fuck do you think happened?” I press, kind of wanting to hear what he has to say. 

“Hey, I said it’s none of my business,” he goes on, puffing his cheeks up with air as he avoids laughing again. “My brother’s love life isn’t any concern of mine.” 

Will you please quit using that word, Samuel…

“God, can you just, not? Please?” I bark in a quiet tone, completely enjoying this back and forth with him. “I already feel weird enough…”

“Why?” he asks way too quickly. 

“Because,” I bite. I toss my hands up, trying to get him to understand. “I was, ya know… A fan, and stuff, and now it’s like..” 

“Oh whatever,” he interrupts me. “Hey Y/N, the goddamn world is ending and all our loved ones got killed by a flesh-eating rash. Yours did, ours did. There’s no such thing as levels of hierarchy anymore, if that’s the way you’re looking at it. We’re just fucking humans, ya know? We’re all just out here trying to survive this shit. Please don’t think like that…” he says a little confrontationally. “We could run into freaking Taylor Swift right now, and she’d still be trudging along in this damned frozen jungle just as we are.” 

I giggle at his comparison, as corny as it is, feeling just a little more at ease. “You’re right, you’re right. Just. Strange, I guess.”

He shrugs. “It is strange, Y/N. Nothing about anything that has happened in the past year is anything close to normal. But… maybe you were meant to run into him in the pods. Maybe it was meant to be this way, who knows?”

I nod, glancing again up to Odin and Sparrow on the horse to make sure they haven’t noticed any threats. 

“You guys are cute together, too,” he adds. 

I roll my eyes. “Ugh, Sam, don’t make me gag. I will shove you down onto this thorn bush.”

“I’m serious,” he laughs. “I don’t mean to poke fun at you. I’m just saying, maybe this is a really, really good thing, Y/N. He seems… I dunno. Excited. Even while worrying about Josh. It’s like you come around and he’s instantly relaxed. I think you have more of an effect on him than you realize.”

“HOLD!” Odin suddenly says from the front of the group, holding his fist high in the air as everyone freezes where we stand. My heart begins pattering as he slowly hops down from his horse, leading Sparrow to do the same. I watch as he pulls his bow from his back and loads it, Sparrow doing the same as she pulls her sword from it’s sheath at her side. 

“Fuck, what’s happening, what’s going on?” I whisper to Sam as he instantly grabs onto my shoulder, quietly leading us nearer to the front with Danny and Jake. 

The brothers bring up the rear and have their weapons drawn and ready. I don’t hear anything, and I don’t see anything, but I do feel Jake’s hand land forcefully on my hip as we gather in a protective circle. 

“Do not fire your weapon unless we say so, got it?” Robbie says to Jake and Danny as he passes, and I feel my heart drop. They both nod in understanding. The brothers exchange a few hand signals as they quickly dash off the trail beside us, keeping eyes with Odin as they scout around. 

“What did they hear?” Jake asks us, and we all shrug as our eyes stay trained on our surroundings. The wind has settled a bit, but the sun is bright and hot as it shines through the leaves of the trees. There’s bits of ice on the tall grasses beside us, and I feel myself become disoriented with the way the weather is working, again. 

I feel my heart pounding in my ears as my eyes scatter around the thick woods, Jake’s hand clutching mine protectively, now. I hear cracks in the trees, I hear steps that don’t sound like steps. High up, and down low. Sparrow backs up toward us, her dusty light following her as the wind floats her long hair into the air. 

A fast glance from Odin tells her something I cannot read, and he quickly hops back onto his horse, kicking his leg into its side as it takes off just off the pathway. They’ve disappeared and we’re still left clueless, the brothers back from their scout and closed in, just as confused as we are. 

“What was that?” I ask Sparrow quietly, my hot breath floating like smoke across the air. 

“More guards, they aren’t very close, but we can sense when they’re near,” she replies. “Their tactics to find us are becoming more clever, as they are now being told that you’re missing from the pods. And that Josiah and Robbie have turned on them.”

“They can come and fuckin’ get us, if they want us,” Robbie snarls as he readjusts his weapon. “Pardon my language, Ma’am.” 

I watch Sparrow smirk, giving him a look that says she is the last one he should worry about offending. 

“Come, let’s continue on,” she says as she draws her sword and keeps it protectively at her side as we keep going. “Odin will alert me if anything is close.”

It feels like my feet don’t want to move without me actively telling them to, now. The fear that’s beginning to settle in my bones has grown tenfold after that scare, and without me being able to see Odin. He has become a wall of peace and protection for us in the past few days, and it feels strange not having him in my line of sight. 

But still yet, Jake’s hand clutches mine, and to me, that feels more safe than anything else in our crumbling world. 

We walk along for another silent twenty minutes or so, clumped together and anxious along what used to be an old worn-in path used by hikers and bikers, now very much overgrown and succumbing to the wild again. Thorns catch on my clothing, and rocks and dirt scatter as I step, but we keep along, our eyes watchful and patrolling as we head south. I wish to god Odin would reappear. 

As we walk in the quiet, my mind drifts to Paps and what he might be doing right now, what they might be doing to him. Watching him be ripped away from me might be one of the most aggravating and terrifying things I’ve ever had to witness, and even though I know he is the strongest man I know, deep down I know that he hides his fears. 

If they really have taken him as a pawn for their testing, will he still have his memory? Will he remember me at all?

I feel a shudder as the frigid air envelops me and bites at the tip of my nose, making me feel like I’m frozen to the core. This cold feels different, especially with the sun shining so brightly. It doesn’t feel like it used to, it almost seems as though the debilitating feeling of fear is sewn into it, nefariously making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. My body doesn’t shake with the chill anymore, but it shakes with the unending fear of not knowing what the next second of my life will hold. What the earth will be doing. If we will be alive tomorrow or not. And the most terrifying thought of it all, is that there is nothing we can do to change it.

The wicked shiver chills me down to my soul…only time will tell.

I miss Paps so badly, and I want nothing more than to get to him. The possibility of their family being in the same pod as Paps is likely, which makes me feel a little bit better, but what are we going to do when we get there? Ambush the place? Sneak in a back door while we try not to get caught?

Surely Odin and Sparrow have thought it through, and I’m sure that the brothers have some sort of plan as to how to infiltrate the building. Or maybe, we’re just flying along with no plan at all. Because truly, none of us know the reality of what we're walking into.

Sam and Danny trail behind me, steadfast and courageous, truly grown into the men that I always envisioned they might have. I know they are just as worried as Jake is of what state of mind we will find Josh in, but I think they are holding it together for him. They don’t want to speak- yet- and bring such a horrific reality to life. If Josh is too far gone, and his mind is not his own anymore, will we have to leave him behind for the safety of ourselves?

I can’t even fathom that thought, right now. There is no way that will be our new reality. Starting a new life without Josh is just…

The sun has begun to slip behind the trees, and I know that the heat will return soon and we will all be sweating in the night air instead of freezing. I’m ready to feel a little relief from this new shiver that’s taken up shop in the deepest tissues of my body. In the back of my mind, I hope that Sparrow’s ability to make us all feel more at ease doesn’t take away from her energy source; she doesn’t know how badly we all need her.

Just as my mind feels as though it’s completely shoved full of too many unanswered thoughts, heavy cloud coverage moves in over the sun and begins casting strange shadows across the thick woods around us, and suddenly, my wicked shiver turns from a physical feeling into a subconscious gut suspicion of uneasiness. 

The wind hasn’t blown in minutes, now. 

I slow my steps, glancing around through the trees as darkness begins to shower us, faster and faster. Odin isn’t back yet, and the air feels as if it is standing still and creeping in around us. Something isn’t right. 

Suddenly I get the urge to pause and listen, stopping myself in my tracks as Sam bumps into me from behind. “Whoa, what’s–”

“Shh,” I hold my hand up to him, watching as Jake has noticed I’ve stopped, too. 

“You’re right, child, something feels wrong,” Sparrow says quietly from in front of Jake. Her hand grips her sword more tightly as she cranes her neck all over, looking up and around and through the woods. My chest tightens as I feel as though I’m preparing myself for something, something that has intention to hurt me. Hurt all of us. The feeling that I had when Paps and I had driven the truck into town and were stopped by those creatures has come back full force. Like a dark black cloud is hanging over me, and there is no way I am ever going to wash the feeling of dread from my psyche. 

Within seconds, the sunlight is almost completely gone. Jake’s hand takes mine again as we all press together in a terrified huddle, the brothers at the edges with their weapons drawn. “What is this? What’s happening?” Jake relents. I feel myself beginning to panic, my head darting side to side erratically as I begin to hear unfamiliar sounds coming from the forest. Not birds, not animals… there is no wind to rustle the trees, and there is no way of seeing what is now surely closing in on us. But I can feel it.

“Stay close, everyone, it seems as though we’re surrounded…” Sparrow says a little more loudly now. Her voice is panicked for the first time since we’ve met her. “Odin, Odin, where are you?” she says to herself, drawing her weapon higher. 

It’s dark, now. Pitch black. The world feels more hollow than it ever has. My skin feels like it could fall from my body as my depraved mindset becomes more and more dreadful. I know that whatever is surrounding us in the shadows is draining every ounce of happiness from my body, and try as I might, I can’t form one positive or uplifting thought. 

“Don’t let it consume you, my loves, don’t let it…” I hear Sparrow's voice as a loud hum begins to eat away at my ear drums, deafening me to almost totality. I grip onto Jake’s hand as we all crowd in together, writhing under the feeling of being so suddenly enclosed and debilitated. I can’t even see what’s around us. Not even Sparrow’s overwhelming power of comfort can match whatever it is they are putting onto us. 

“We should run!” I hear Danny suggest, the drone of the hum making him sound like he is a million miles away. “Let’s go!!” 

I feel him pull away from us as I begin to become disoriented, weakening as the seconds tick. “Jake.. I–” I can hardly form any words as I feel like all my energy is depleting. His hand is still latched tightly onto mine, and I begin to see spurts of light through the darkness of my vision, blurry and bright as my eyelids get heavy. 

“Y/N, no!” I hear his voice in my ear, the sweetest sound I have ever heard. “We’ve got to run, we’ve got to go!” Suddenly I feel as though every emotion has been ripped away from my body. 

Where is my gumption? Nothing matters, we’re all going to die, anyway. 

“Sweet Y/N, run!” Sparrow urges me, too, as I feel Jake begin to pull me along just as I had pulled him through the building as it crumbled into the sinkhole around us back at the pod. 

I can’t move, just leave me here. 

I feel my knees hit the dirt at the same time that I feel many sets of unwelcome hands all over me, burning through my thick coats and jackets as they touch me. The hum grows louder and louder, and my blood grows thicker and thicker. Just leave me…

I’m being pulled two ways- one way with the burning hands and one way toward the man whom I have come to adore so intensely, but I could somehow care less who ends up with me. I don’t even mind one way or the other. My endurance is gone. 

Jake squeezes my hands in the darkness, pulling me with everything in him as I feel Sam and Danny join him in his attempts. “Don’t let go of me, Y/N! Do you hear me!” he screams, his voice so worried and terrified. Why are you so scared, Jake? Why do you care about me? “Don’t let her go, Danny! Don’t let her slip!”

“She’s ours, now, you all belong to us…” I hear the crippling voice of the hooded guard say from behind me. I recognize the sing-song voice from their first attempts at taking us, like sirens luring us into the deepest depths of the night. “There’s nothing you can do, your world is a star defying time… you must come with us…”

Everything is blurry, nothing has shape. The burning hands are gripping at all points of my body, now, as I feel like I’m being ripped in two. I hear Sparrow’s shrieks in the distance, and I feel Jake’s grip on my hands begin to weaken. 

“Sam, Sam, get up! Let’s go! I– I can’t hold you both–”

His hands feel like my only anchors to the earth, sure and grounding, but I can’t find the strength to even try and hold on to them. He’s slipping from me, and it’s then that I realize he’s being pulled by them, too. 

We’re being taken. And there’s nothing we can do to stop it.

“Y/N, baby, please!” I hear his honeyed voice again, still so perfect even when he’s terrified. Don’t be so scared, Jake… you shouldn’t even be worried about me. I mean nothing to you. 

“Let GO of me!!” he yells, but it’s no use. He’s ten paces away from me now as I realize that our hands have finally separated, and the burning hands are still holding me. His screaming voice is nothing but a howl in the distance. “Y/N!!!”

My body feels limp and lifeless as the burning hands hold me upright, pulling my body across bushes and grasses and limbs, my legs and feet falling behind me. But I don’t even care. Why don’t I care? Death is probably soon, anyway. Nothing matters.

The eyes of the creatures taking me are burning a bright red, the drone of the hum still prevalent in my ears. 

Again I hear his voice calling out for me across the hillside, bouncing off the treetrunks and cutting through the warming air as the sound of it warms my soul and kills it at the same time. I want him, I need him… he’s the only thing that’s kept my head above water… But our magnets have somehow lost their polarity. I dig down deep and plead with myself, and whoever in the heavens above will listen to forsake me this one time, and bring me out on the other side of this. I have to help them, I have to find Paps… 

Jake…Please… Don’t let them keep me…

Tags: @gretavangroupie @britney-gvf @sacredstarcatcher @wetkleenex-gvf @farfromthehomelands @takenbythemadness @writingcold @builtbybrokenbells @ohgodthefeeling-gvf @fleet-of-fiction @milkgemini @gvfpal @ageofcj@dancingcarbon @highway-tuna @stardustjake @jakekiszkapunchmeintheface @gvfmarge @gracev0609 @myleftsock @literal-dead-leaf @peaceloveunitygvf @ageofbajabule @slut4lando @jordie-gvf @sadiechar @tinydancer40 @rosabellagvf @capnjaket @lyndz2names @thetroublegetssoloud71 @gretavanomens @spark-my-nature @josh-iamyour-mama @anythingforjtk @alwaysonthemend @danieljlmwagner @klarxtr @fortunatelytinybasement @demonrat444 @gretavansara @watchingover-hypegirl @hippievanfleet @digitalnomadz @raviolilegs @lipstickitty @hippievanfleet @klarxtr @strange-whorizons @do-it-jakey-baby @myownparadise96 @gvf-luna @starshine-wagner @cassiesgreta @joopsandjangs @whimsiliz @kiszkas-canvas @whimsiliz @joopsandjangs @broken0mens @scoreofinfantryvines @whereiskeara @do-it-jakey-baby @miravanfleet @heckingfrick@kiszka-canvas @whimsiliz @joopsandjangs @broken0mens @scoreofinfantryvines @whereiskeara @do-it-jakey-baby @miravanfleet @heckingfrick @jenniferkiszka @jjwasneverhere @gvfmarge @pineapple-photographer @vanfleeter @gretnavannfleet @pineapple-photographer @joshylanefleet @becinabubblegvf @ageofmach1ne

[solarwonux]

Business Proposal || knj (4/?)

pairing: namjoon x f!reader || ex friends to lovers!au friends to lovers!au

Genre: fluff, angst, smut, slow burn, fwb!au, non idol!au, unrequited love

Warnings: slow burn, angst, panic attacks, mentions of death, and a funeral. Lot’s of crying. 

Rating: mature, 18+

w.c: 3.5k

Synopsis: Namjoon is living on borrowed time, and it’s time to cash in. His father is months from taking his last breathe and his life long dream is to watch his oldest son say “I do.”

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a/n: in all honesty I couldn’t wait to put out this part. It’s a tough one so read at your own pace.  Also this could’ve gone two ways, I picked this one lolol I’m sorry! LMK your thoughts. Enjoy.xx

Everything happens in seconds.

One moment you’re at each other's throats spitting hate at each other and the next your back is pressed against the kitchen counter. The marble edge is painfully digging into your lower back. If your head was in the right place and you weren’t so sleep deprived you would’ve pulled away. Instead you’re pulling him closer and fighting to have the upper hand with your mouth against his.

It’s a kiss you’ve never experienced before. It's not full of the fireworks people always talk about and it doesn’t make the butterflies in your stomach squirm with excitement.

It’s forceful and hard around the edges. Full of all kinds of different emotions. Ones you can’t begin to comprehend. Neither of you pull away, instead you pull each other closer, clinging desperately onto the one little spark that has the two of you hanging on by a thread. He hosts you up onto the kitchen counter without pulling away. He kisses you harder and by default you retaliate.

It feels like you’re floating on a storm cloud. You’ve pictured yourself kissing Namjoon in the past. Those daydreams were filled with love and passion, grabbing onto each other because you didn’t want the other to be apart for more than two seconds. This was not that. This was a battle between hate. The void between the two of you grows deeper and when his hands start to travel underneath your old tie-dye sleep shirt settling on your hips toying with the band of your pajama pants; you gasp.

His hands are cold. They don’t radiate any warmth just like the rest of him. It’s the one reminder that brings you back down from your gray cloud. Everything he’s ever done and said to you comes crashing down like a tsunami. In your one moment of clarity before his hands get any lower like he intended them to; you push him away with all the strength you have.

You’re breathing heavily. You feel the knot in the back of your throat close up and everything starts to feel like you’re in a tunnel. Your heartbeat sounds loudly in your ears and you can feel the tears well up in the corner of your eyes.

You promised yourself this wouldn’t happen again. That you wouldn’t let a man use you like a toy for his pleasure. Yet, here you were with your lips swollen on his kitchen counter ready to break that promise. There’s nobody else to blame but you and that twisted fantasy regarding Namjoon that a part of you held onto for so many years.

There was only some truth in what you told Namjoon before he took matters into his own hands. The one lie was that you didn’t hate him. There was something that kept you back from doing so back then. Now, you weren’t so sure. Every good memory the two of you have had has been clouded.

You can’t breathe.

The silence becomes louder, the heartbeat in your ears is deafening, and the knot claws its way up your throat. It alerts Namjoon, and he springs into action. He’s witnessed a few of your episodes. He knows what to do. He takes long steps to close the gap between the two of you.

Except you don’t let him. You hold your shaky hand out, pressing into his chest, pushing him away again. By now you know you’re sure you’ve let the tears spill. The sensation of droplets running down your cheeks brings you out into the surface for a little bit. But you’re pulled in deeper when Namjoon tries to get closer again.

Panic, worry, and heartbreak are the only emotions you can pick out from the look on his face. They’re contradicting his entire character and you want to scream because it’s getting worse and you can’t breathe.

“Bunny,” he whispers. Your head snaps up. Rage behind your warm eyes. It makes something twist inside of him but he chooses to ignore it as he brings his hands up, to grasp onto your shoulders. To keep you steady so you can regain consciousness. Yet, his hands never reach their destination and that nasty filling inside the pit of his stomach becomes amplified when you flinch. He brings his arms down to the side.

This is the first time he’se ever felt so powerless and dare he admit it, hurt.

Namjoon swallows, “Bunny, I need you to focus on me. I need you to breathe in and out slowly.” He’s scared. He’s so damn scared because he knows what to do. He knows how to bring you out, but you’re not letting him. That’s something he doesn’t want to understand. It’s something he can’t understand. It’s something that he keeps turning over and over and over  in his head as he tries to think of something–anything to bring you back to him.

The problem is you’re still with him. You still feel his lips on yours kissing you with so much abhor. You still feel his hands gripping your thighs, hosting you up. You still feel his body slotted between your legs, pulling himself closer. You still feel the way his hands travel down your sides, your back and underneath your shirt. You still feel the way his fingers go past the band of your pants settling on your navel.

You still feel him everywhere and it only makes it harder to breathe. It doesn’t help that he’s looking at you like he cares.

“Bu–”

“No,” you croak, finally gaining some clarity and pushing yourself off his counter. The landing isn’t a smooth one. You’re using everything in your power to keep yourself upright. “L-Leave me alone.” You whisper, forcefully pushing him away and trudging past him. His gaze hardens, it burns into your back as he clenches and unclenches his fist. He’s never felt so much anger before, and it’s all because he hated that you could still read him like an open book.

He loathed how everything you said to him was something he’s told himself before. Yet, the only person he can blame and truly hate is himself. For everything he did in the past, for springing up this stupid scheme onto you and for giving into one of his deepest desires.

You.

He jumps when he hears you slam your bedroom door shut. If things were lighter he would’ve been on your ass for treating his lovely mahogany wooden doors with such little care. But your reaction is justified because he’s fucked up and he knows that there’s no going back.

In the seconds before he kissed you, he knew your heart had casted him out. It was something he couldn’t live with no matter all the lies he’s ever told himself regarding you and his feelings for you. He couldn’t live with the fact that you didn’t hold him in such a high regard as before. So, he did what he thought would bring you back to him. Except he ended up pushing you farther away.

You feel like the air coming back to you the second you close your bedroom door. The only thing on your mind is Jimin. 

It’s selfish but he’s the only one you want to see right now. He’s the only one who understands your reaction. He’s the only one who knows what to do.

So, you scramble, tossing your blankets around looking for your phone. When you find it slotted in between your pillow and Hello Kitty stuffed animal you let out a sob. With shaky fingers you quickly look for his contact name–Jimin aka King of My World. He had changed his contact name two years ago and you never bothered to change it back. For some reason it always made you giggle whenever you saw it pop up on your screen.

Now, it brings a wave of sadness as you just hover over his name, hoping that by some miracle he picks up, because you need him. You click the call button, put it on speaker and throw it on your bed. You start to pace back and forth as you wait, digging your nails into your arms, biting your bottom lip hard enough to draw blood.

Then there’s a slight silence that has you pausing, and you stare at your phone waiting to see if the line goes dead or not.

It doesn’t.

“Hello?” The sound of Jimin’s voice pulls a sob out of you and you quickly throw yourself on your bed cradling your phone like it’s going to run away. Like he’s going to slip away from you again. He’s calling your name but all you can do is cry and mumble incoherently.

“Where are you?” He says frantically. You can almost imagine him getting dressed in a haste, phone in between his ear and shoulder as he looks for something to throw on. “I’ll pick you up where are you?”

You take a deep breath, holding your hand against your chest, pressing down. It’s what Namjoon used to do. It’s what you taught Jungkook, and Jimin to do whenever you got into this state. “N-Namjoon, house.” It’s the only words you manage to get out and he goes silent.

It’s only a few seconds but it feels like forever. You want to hang up. As a matter of fact you want to go back to the night of Taehyung’s party. You should’ve stood your ground then when Jungkook convinced you to go. You should’ve fought harder with yourself when Namjoon sprang up this idea upon you. You should’ve never let him water the seed of hope you had kept locked away, because you knew how it was going to turn out. Everyone around you knew and warned and you decided to ignore them. All because you thought you knew best. When in reality you didn’t, and now you’re stuck paying for the consequences of your actions.

“I–”  

“Breath like how we practiced. I’ll be there soon.” Jimin says through gritted teeth. If he’s angry with you, you can’t tell. But you know he’s angry. You’re just grateful he even picked up in the first place.

“I’m sorry.” You let out a sob. His sigh of frustration is felt through the speaker of your phone. You imagine he’s running his hands through his hair as he makes his way around his apartment looking for his keys. You used to make fun of him for always losing them. He never kept them in one place.

You listen to him curse while you breathe like he taught you. You assume the line goes dead but he calls out your name, and your attention is back on your phone laying forgotten in between your bed sheets.

“Don’t apologize. I’ll be there soon.” He whispers and you hear the sound of his front door creaking. It somehow helps in calming you down. Maybe because you know that soon you will be in arms again. “I’m going to hang up now. Will you be okay?”

You nod, before voicing your answer. “I-I think so.”

“Good, I’ll be there soon Princess.”

Namjoon has only cried a few times in his life. The first one was when his pet fish Flounder died. He should’ve known it wasn’t going to survive very long. His father did win it for him at the State Fair when he was five. The poor thing only lasted two weeks. To not scare him, Namjoon’s father was the one who buried it in their old backyard. Still, when Namjoon woke up that morning to find his colorful fish tank empty. He couldn’t stop the wail that escaped his lips.

He never got a pet fish again. 

The second time Namjoon cried, he was nine. It was at his mother’s funeral. He stood next to his sobbing father, surrounded by his close family members. In that moment, surrounded by so much sadness he couldn’t bring himself to cry.

During the final months of his mothers life, Namjoon would spend his days after school by her side. The two of them would read books together or paint. He was never really good at it–the painting that is. He was a child prodigy when it came to academics. But he enjoyed listening to his mom talk about colors or different paint strokes he never really memorized.

On her final day, his mother told him. “I will always be with you, just look up at the night sky and the brightest star is me.”

That’s how he lived every moment after her passing.  So, he couldn’t quite understand why everyone around him was crying at her funeral. She lived a happy life. At least that’s what she had told him one night.  Still, out of obligation he forced himself to cry. It was a pathetic single tear that ran down his chubby cheeks, but he gripped his fathers hand harder than he had ever done so in his life.

He was scared that it was now going to be the two of them. It was until Namjoon turned fourteen. That’s when Jungkook and his mother came into the picture. He didn’t like them at first. He refused to accept them in fear that they were trying to replace his mother, but somewhere along the way after their small intimate wedding. He grew to love them, and every night before he went to sleep he would sit out with Jungkook, look at the stars and hope that his mother was looking down at them.

The third time he cried was in college when he found his girlfriend at the time cheating on him. It was what brought him to you, what made his heart silently accept you. Yet, he stayed reluctant and eventually drove a wedge between the two of you. He didn’t know it was deep enough to drive you away and that made him resent you more than he resented himself.

Eventually he learned how to live with that feeling. He pushed it away into the small open crevices of his broken heart. But now it was back, and it was amplified. He vowed to never cry over someone or anything. Honestly, he had kept his cold heart so locked up he didn’t know he could ever cry again.

That was until he sat in front of your bedroom door. He could hear you pacing back and forth and eventually calling the one person he somehow grew jealous of. The river of tears started silently rolling down his cheeks. Eventually they became a waterfall.

He stayed there, arms wrapped around his knees, listening to the conversation you were having with the misty eyed man he only knew by name. Unbeknownst to you he wasn’t going to leave until he knew you were okay.

The squeak of your door makes you cringe while you open it slowly. Jimin just texted you saying that he was downstairs in the lobby waiting for you. How did he get Namjoon’s address? You don’t know. That’s a question you’ll ask him later, because the only thing on your mind is your escape.

You scoff when you see the hallway empty. Void of life. It’s not like you were expecting anyone to be waiting for you there. You knew all the care written on Namjoon’s face earlier was just for show. It’s just how he was. He was a master at putting up a front, a mask for the entire world to see. Even in the years that you grew fond of him, he never really showed you what was hidden within. You suppose that’s why you were so heartbroken when he showed you his true colors.

You should’ve known then and you should’ve known now.

Silently, you maneuver yourself around the labyrinth he calls a home. Careful not to knock over any paintings or stack of books terrorizing his living room floor. When you finally make it to the front door you feel like a wave of relief has washed over you. But it’s quickly replaced with panic when you hear his bedroom door creek open and rushed footsteps make their way down the hallway.

In seconds, before he can catch up to you. You’re out the door and running down to the elevator. It’s almost as if mother luck has found her way to you again because the elevator is only a floor away when you click the down button. It arrives in seconds and before you even hesitate and go back, especially because you think you hear him calling your name. You step inside and close the doors immediately.

It must’ve been your imagination.

Namjoon lives on the thirteenth floor. For some people that’s a number full of luck, for others it's the number they fear. For you it’s a number that indicates the amount of floors you still need to pass before you get to the basement one. When it does, you feel the butterflies in the pit of your stomach erupt. The doors feel like they take forever to open, but when they do you basically run out.

Just like promised, Jimin is standing in front of the reception desk. He’s wearing a gray sweatshirt and jeans. His hair is a bit shorter but he still looks the same way he did two weeks ago. He still looks like your Jimin, the one whose heart you broke. Yet despite all of that, despite what he told you that day at the flower shop he was here.

The feeling you get inside is something you can’t describe. The only thing you know is that you want to feel his arms around you. To tell you that everything was going to be okay.

You run to him, basically throwing your arms around his neck and burying your head into his neck, taking in his scent. He still smells the same like fresh laundry and Orange Blossoms. He still smells like your Jimin. He stills smells like a comfort and in this moment you never want to let go.

Jimin is the first to pull away, concern written all over his features. He places his hands on your cheeks, swiping your fallen tears with his thumbs. He has so many questions running through his mind.

Why were you in Namjoon’s house?

Why were you crying?

What triggered you?

He won’t tell you the mental gymnastics he had to go through trying to convince Jungkook to give him his brother's address. His final excuse was that the night of Taehyung’s party, the pretty boy had been so moved by one of his pieces that he commissioned one. This wasn’t entirely a lie. Namjoon had complimented Taehyung’s work. Commending him for his growth as an artist, and commissioned him for one to hang in the museum he calls a home.

The problem was that Taehyung was in a rut. He had been for a few months now. So, the canvas laid bare against the wall of his living room. Jimin knew this but Jungkook didn’t. He told the younger man that Taehyung asked Jimin to get him some measurements and what not. Somehow he bought it. Didn’t even question him why he was going over to his brother’s house at midnight.

He simply pinned him the address and Jimin was on his way with his heart against his chest. Fighting against his better judgment the entire time. He needed to see you. He needed to know if you were okay, especially if Namjoon was involved.

Now, you were in front of him, eyes swollen and snot running down your nose. Somehow you still looked beautiful and everything he wanted to tell you was left forgotten. Except for one thing:

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry.”

The two of you say at the same time. It brings a smile to his face and a giggle out of your swollen lips. He shakes his head, snaking his arm around your shoulders and bringing you into his body in a gentle hug.

“Don’t be, I’m just glad you’re okay.” He pauses for a second, looking down at you before he asks, “are you okay?”

You nod, placing your head against his shoulder, “I think I will be.”

“Good you can tell me what happened later, let’s get you some ice cream.” He finishes and leads you out of the lobby of Namjoon’s prestigious apartment complex.

The ladder is standing in front of the elevator doors. His doorman probably thinks he’s gone rabid with the way he looks. His hair is all over the place from tugging on it with frustration. His clothes are stained with tears and snot, and his glare is deadly. His hands are down by his side clenching and unclenching witnessing how comfortable you were in someone else's arms. How you didn’t flinch away from him like you did to him.

Earlier, It only had taken seconds for the ice around his heart to melt. Just as long as it takes for Namjoon’s heart to harden again.

a/n: I’m sorry part 2?? If you want to be added to the tag list please let me know. 

Also I just want to thank you all for the overwhelming support I’ve gotten on this story.  I’ve been writing on here for years. And this is the first time I’ve noticed so much engagement so thank you so much. I’m behind on answering everyone and I will get around to it but just know that I DO read EVERYTHING.

So keep them coming and don’t be afraid to check out my other works thank you thank you thank you thank you! 

[topgun-imagines]

Day 11: Darkest Hour

Pairing: Bradley ‘Rooster’ Bradshaw x fem!reader

Synopsis: Bradley returns home to a sight he never hoped to see.

Warnings: self harm, panic attacks, mentions of blood, death & suicide.

Word count: 1.1k

You felt like you were drowning. The walls seemed to be closing in on you. It felt like you couldn’t breathe, your lungs were burning, trying to consume as much oxygen as possible while you collapsed to the floor. Cold bathroom tile was more jarring than soothing. When the drastic sensation should have been comforting, you only spiraled further. Sharp pants escaped you as you clutched at your chest. Everything had been fine mere seconds ago, but now, you just wanted it to end.

There was one thing that you were certain would help. After all, it always did before. Somehow, the pure pain was enough to pull you out of whatever horrible state you were in. So, through bleary eyes and uneven breaths, you crawled across the bathroom floor until you bumped into the cabinet. It was like muscle memory by now. Inside the cabinet, hidden in a bucket stashed in the back corner and buried under other miscellaneous items, was a small pack of razor blades.

The box was innocent enough, so that if Bradley ever found it, he wouldn’t even know what he was looking at. Keeping this kind of thing hidden from your boyfriend was difficult, to say the least. But, over time, you had gotten better at hiding it. Excuses slipped out easier than before and your natural instinct would kick in whenever you needed to cover up. Bradley was none the wiser.

So, you began your usual routine. It was sad that you could call it a routine at this point. That didn’t stop you as you pulled the cold metal out of the small box. The thin item was sharp in your hand, digging into your palm with only slight pressure. This razor was new.

It had been a while since your last episode. Things were getting better. You were happy, content with reality a majority of the time. Things with Bradley had never been better. But that all had to come crashing down at some point, right? You figured that point was now as a sob bubbled out of your chest. The cold, sharp blade pressed against your once soft skin before it glided across it with ease.

No matter how many times you had done this before, the first cut each time always stung a little bit extra. Soon, one cut turned into two, two into five, five into fifteen and so on.

You normally knew when to stop. You had a breaking point and you always made sure to stop just before you reached it. Today, however, that breaking point was the last thing on your mind. As was the fact that the plans you made with Bradley would have him showing up on your doorstep any minute. That was all lost on you as you watched your own blood bead on top of your skin, soon tricking down.

The sheer amount of blood was what scared you. Sure, you were used to this. But this volume of blood was something new entirely. Before you could even register what was happening, your head began spinning. This was different than before. Somehow, this time you knew that things were over. You were finally going to get your sweet escape.

Little did you know that your boyfriend was standing on your front porch only a few feet away with a bouquet of your favourite flowers in his hand.

When you never answered the door. Bradley became slightly worried. So, your loving boyfriend twisted the handle and walked inside. He found it a bit odd that he couldn’t detect your presence immediately, but he kept searching for you nonetheless. With every room he checked, he became more worried. That was until he stumbled into the bathroom.

The sight in front of him broke his heart and made him feel sick to his stomach at the same time. Before he could even begin to process what was happening, he fell to his knees and pulled out his phone. Bradley was confident that he had never been this panicked before as he informed the 911 operator of everything he knew. “Baby!? Baby, can you hear me?” Gentle hands tapped against your cheek as Bradley checked for any signs of life. When you didn’t say anything, Bradley began to sob. He was about to lose the light of his life.

Hope swelled in his chest when he saw your eyes flutter. Through hooded eyes, you looked up at him, a small, bearly-there smile gracing your face. “You don’t get to leave me. Not like this.” Whether he was even aware of it or not, his thumbs stroked delicately over the side of your face. One of his hands reached down to grasp yours tightly, almost as if he was trying to anchor you to the ground.

“I-“ You started, coughing a little. Your voice was weak. Weaker than anything Bradley had ever heard before. “I love you so much Bradley,” He shook his head slowly. Bradley knew what you were doing. You were saying goodbye to him. How was he supposed to just let you go? “None of this is your fault.” With that, your eyes closed again. Your hand went limp in his and your breathing slowly evened out.

Distantly, Bradley could hear the ambulance rushing down the street. He could hear it screech to a halt in front of your house and he could hear the men rushing through the front door. And yet he couldn’t focus on any of that. Not when it suddenly felt like there was a gaping hole in his chest. In that moment, the pilot let out the most anguished sound known to man. The paramedics had never heard anything so raw and full of pain before.

Bradley collapsed, sobbing into your chest as he begged you to come back. All he needed was just a few more seconds. Then you would have been okay. You could have gotten help. What ifs surged around his mind, thoughts plaguing him with realities worse than right now. But what made those realities worse was that Bradley would never, ever, get the chance to try and save you. You were gone. Forever.

And as Bradley cried into your lifeless form, he realized that he never got to tell you he loved you one last time.

a/n: hope you enjoyed! Join the taglist!

Tagging: @ohtobeleah @xoxabs88xox @oldermenaremyreligion @kmc1989 @nyx2021 @els-marvelvsp @mploopssek @callsignharper @seitmai @kellyls04 @xeve9809 @scarletmeii @inkandarsenic @malindacath

[thedinosapien]

I was thinking about the theory of Brooklynn being Ben's girlfriend. I know it isn't that strong anymore, but I once made a very long comment refuting this theory bc someone thought it makes sense and was kind worried. So why not post it here? Have fun:

> User afraid of the theory bc Ben and Brooklynn were very close in CT

>

I'm sorry, but you talked about Ben's girlfriend, so I CAN'T shut up.

Your points are valid, as is your concern. But I'm 98% sure his girlfriend exists, and if it's not too much trouble, I'll present the reasons why I think she's an original character and not Brooklynn:

Although it's not stated in the animation, Ben is more specific about his girlfriend's location in the novelization. He specifies where in Europe: his girl is Italian. As much as Brooklynn travels a lot, I highly doubt she would have imagined that her investigation would take her outside of the US, let alone Italy!

Still following the idea of ​​his girlfriend being Italian, I would like to bring up the point that it has never been shown that any of the campers know this language. But we have confirmation that one of them is learning it: yes, Ben Pincus! In episode 7 of the first season, when he loses his precious Van, he says in Italian "Ciao, cara mia". This suggests that Ben is learning to impress the woman he fell for, as well as reinforcing that what he said in the novel is canon!

Ben most likely talked to Brooklynn about his girlfriend in the flashback in S1. Remember the girl who got her homework eaten by a Pterodon? Yes, besides being a funny parallel to his character in S1 of JWCC (which could indicate that the girl and Pincus have something in common), it's also something that Ben takes very personally. Ben told the story to B and she laughed. But he didn't like her reaction, it almost felt personal because he started justifying it "that wasn't funny for her!" or something like that. His reaction suggests that the student wasn't a random person, but someone he considers, a friend or maybe something more.

Even if Brooklynn was his girlfriend, Ben wouldn't be able to hide it for long. We know how bad he is at lying or keeping a secret. Furthermore, considering Brooklynn's reaction to Darius' confession, we are shown how extremely unlikely it is for her to get into a relationship any time soon. And despite her being a gray character these days, she values ​​her friends very much and would never play with their feelings - this is even more obvious when we consider the letter Brooklynn was going to write to Kenji and the campers (but decided against it because she realized she was in a very dangerous situation), wanting both Kenji and her friends to know about her status.

This would be too adult for the show. Not in the sense that it would be immoral, but in the sense that it would be confusing for kids. Brooklynn used to date Kenji, but broke up with him. Darius likes Brooklynn, but she ambiguously rejects his feelings. Now she's dating Ben? That would be a very dangerous move on the part of the writers and would please absolutely no one.

about the lack of mention of his girlfriend in S2... I can't suggest anything other than "script convenience" or "it's too much information for a single season, let's cut some things". Let's face it, everything happens too fast in this second arc. There's no way to put >another< relationship problem (like, why aren't you answering my messages? Where are you, Ben? or things like that), the poor guy was already suffering and having panic attacks in the jungle. His character arc would be too constricted and perhaps unnatural. But again, this last part is just my guess and not a valid argument like the top 5 things I said.

It is a cool ship and all, but I don't see how it could ever be true 😅. I really love the ideia of she being a new character and not someone we already know. I kind of know a lot about her bc she's truly interesting

1 min to 2025 yipeee

[luna-moon-26-20]

Foxhole Force Episode Guide

Hi everyone! Since season 1 is finished I thought I'd write an episode guide and add it to the collection of information of the story.

Feel free to share it as many times as you want so we can spread the knowledge about this series and maybe bring new readers to enjoy the AU 🙌🏻

(I think I avoided all major spoilers)

SEASON 1 - LIST OF EPISODES

S1 E1: Call of the Fox (Part 1)

Neil Josten arrives at the City of Palmetto in a last attempt to find his mother alive. After getting attacked by Ravens and saved by mysterious warriors in colorful suits, Neil finds a job at the Foxhole Court, a sports Youth Centre meant to be a safe haven for kids in risky situations.

S1 E2: Call of the Fox (Part 2)

After finding out his coworkers at the Foxhole Court were actually the Power Rangers, Neil gets roped into the team when he merges with the spirit of the Red Fox, becoming the new Red Power Ranger. Despite trying to refuse the responsibility, Neil accepts it and stays in the city long enough to join the battle against the Ravens.

S1 E3: What it takes to be a leader

Neil feels slightly ridiculous and lost when he morphs for the second time after the Ravens find a new target at the beach. When Coach tells him he is supposed to be the leader of the team, he argues that Kevin would be better suited for the job. 

S1 E4: A done deal

Neil has trouble morphing into the Red Ranger and is forced to stay behind while the others go out to fight a new monster and the Ravens. Later, Andrew ropes Neil into a fake training session where he interrogates him. After getting berated by Coach, Neil and Andrew come to an understanding.

S1 E5: Unexpected allies

Neil runs into some trouble searching for his mother. Lieutenant Mureau and a new perfect Raven are sent to destroy the Rangers for their constant interference. They almost succeed but a new and unexpected ally wearing the same outfit as the Rangers prevents it from happening. 

S1 E6: There’s no I in TEAM

The team hits a wall when their dysfunctional dynamic causes a target to get hurt and taken by the Ravens. The Rangers have no idea where the Ravens continue to produce these terrible monsters from but they are strong and difficult to fight, especially because now the Ravens can make them grow as tall as buildings. 

S1 E7: A dead end

The Ravens decide to ruin the team’s Sunday plans when they attack a local school that is holding a science fair at the gym. The Rangers pour themselves into the battle, trying to protect the students and teachers present, and even the Black Ranger makes an appearance to help them. 

S1 E8: Smoke and… mirrors?

The team is unbalanced and fractured but the Youth Centre has to remain open for the kid’s sake and they have a fundraising to host in the middle of which there is a Raven alert. Neil gets trapped and relives some of the trauma from his past. He vows to recruit the Black Ranger into the team.

S1 E9: A fool’s errand

Neil is having an off day in which he keeps butting heads with his coworkers at the Youth Centre. The distance between him and the Red Fox is wider than ever. He sets himself on a mission destined to fail as he tries to recruit the Black Ranger into the team. He and Andrew end the day on pretty unfriendly terms and Neil feels more isolated than ever from the rest of the team.

S1 E10: Neil who? (Part 1)

A Raven alert wakes the team in the middle of the night and they are introduced to Captain Engle, a new perfect Raven stronger and faster than any other they have encountered. The Red Fox is tired and hurt and not even the Black Ranger can help Neil get rid of Mureau.

S1 E11: Neil who? (Part 2)

Alone and unmorphed, Neil faces off against Riko. Riko turns his world upside down by revealing the thing he’s been after and that he believes Neil knows its whereabouts. Later, Andrew helps Neil out of a panic attack but also gives him an ultimatum.  

S1 E12: A Swift exchange

As he recovers from his injuries, Neil is faced with the deadline Andrew has set. Kevin starts acting weird: violent and angry. He begins to transform into a Raven, injuring Andrew in his attempt to escape and save everyone from himself. 

S1 E13: Between a rock and a hard place 

Neil and Andrew, on a quest to find the truth behind the Ravens and Neil’s family, go to the library together. But the building collapses on them leaving them trapped underneath. With nothing else to do but wait, they play a long round of their truth for truth game. 

S1 E14: How to kill two birds with no stone at all

The City of Palmetto is more dangerous than ever when the Ravens decide to change their modus operandi. Neil starts doubting their protectors’ role and asks about a cure for Ravens no one believes exists. Discouraged, he goes into battle hesitating until it becomes clear that it is either kill or be killed. He discovers some coincidences about Kevin’s past.

S1 E15: The Red Fox

The team runs into an energy source so powerful the monitors at the Command Centre go crazy with alarms. In a desperate attempt to stop the Ravens from getting it, Neil touches the source and the amount of energy affects him in unimaginable ways. Scared and injured, he follows his instincts towards Andrew who is the only one who knows how to handle him. 

S1 E16: A quiet state of mind

Neil has to spend an entire day without his Fox. Alone and at the verge of constant panic, he is too happy to spend the day with Andrew in Columbia as a distraction. Neil becomes aware of a certain way in which he is starting to think about the blond. The Rangers respond to an alert in which Matt singlehandedly deals with the monster.

S1 E17: All for the game

An alert brings the team face to face with a monster that traps them in another dimension to play a deathly game of exy. With the way the Black Ranger plays and fights, Neil starts to suspect Andrew might be the Back Ranger. He confronts Andrew on the roof and the night takes an unexpected turn.

S1 E18: Don’t ask for the truth

Neil lives a couple of weeks in pure bliss as he and Andrew delve more into the new nature of their relationship. However, the appearance of a woman from Andrew’s past changes the course of their day into one of tense emotional reactions and a complete emotional withdrawal from Andrew.   

S1 E19: Black Danger (Part 1)

After two long weeks of absence, Andrew finally comes back to the Centre. After a panic attack from Neil because he doesn’t want to fail his duties again, the team faces Muldani on the beach. The Youth Centre is attacked by Riko and all his perfect Ravens. Andrew gets hurt and Abby declares he is trapped inside his own mind.

S1 E20: Black Danger (Part 2)

Neil ventures into Andrew’s mind to try and bring the blond back from wherever he is trapped inside. Going through Andrew’s memories, Neil is faced with several sides of the blond that leave him unsteady and worried. He gets some unexpected help during his quest to find Andrew.

[bisexualfemalemess]

BRIDGERTON SEASON 3 PART TWO SPOILERS

Episode 7: I’m only 20 seconds in and i already can not handle the drama 😭😭😭 He followed her because he was worried because the last time she left she was having a panic attack and fainted and now he finds out she’s his worst enemy :(( somebody take that pen away from shonda, there is no need for this much angst :(((

I’m actually gonna scream like i fully can’t handle this, it’s the equivalent to hearing your parents fighting when you’re little and covering your ears :(

As angsty as this scene is i have to commend Luke Netwon’s acting because that tear rolling down his face, colin’s just a sensitive baby boy and it shows. Also kudos to Nicola coughlan’s acting because i can just feel how distraught penelope is over the whole situation.

Not baby boy saying he will never forgive her and then just sulking in bed :( I‘m not sure i‘ll survive this episode.

The fake whistledown is so ooc i‘m glad Penelope shut that shit down fast.

PENELOISE!!!!! It is so important to me that Eloise said she feels stuck between the two of them because that still shows she still genuinely loved penelope and doesn’t just hold some lingering affection from how close they used to be. We’re so back.

THE REASSURANCE AND HEART TO HEART, PENELOPE HOLDING HER HAND. GUYS WE SURVIVED THE GREAT WAR IMMA JUMP OUT A WINDOW, POLIN NEXT!

Damn colin! What happened to hello? How are you? He’s just over her demanding answers from eloise, lmaoooo. Eloise, babe, i love you but were you not the one suggesting that pen just keeps her husband in the dark and drops the lw persona? Don’t back track now. Not them having a bitch-off about who was hurt the most by penelope like guys maybe you should focus your energy on trying to understand her instead of going at each other’s throats. But also Eloise defending pen to colin, they’re truly so back. SHE SAID SHE WANTS TO FORGIVE HER SHE LOVES HER SO BAD MY BESTIES ARE ACTUALLY COMING BACK 😭😭😭😭😭 i actually feel so bad for el, colin and penelope. Like they’re all valid with their feelings and i need them to officially make-up so bad.

That entrapment comment? Like i get that he’s lashing out because he’s upset after finding out that his best friend and love of his life is also his worst enemy but let’s not forget that he was the one chasing the carriage, begging on his knees for a chance, finger-banged her into near-orgasm, and made the first move in the mirror scene because the poor girl was a virgin who didn’t know shit about sex. ARGUMENT NULL AND VOID BABY BOY.

Poor pen :(((((( She loves him y’all. WHAT DO YOU MEAN “let us get through this wedding then we will decide what this marriage will be.”??? Like i hope he comes to terms with whistledown because it’s such an essential part of penelope, they can’t just sweep it under the rug. I love how the mom’s are so concerned about them but they don’t stop to think about maybe, i don’t know, asking them what’s going on? Like they won’t get an answer but at least they would’ve tried. Right now they’re either too wrapped up in the planning or lady danbury’s brother to even try and figure out what’s going on, like, of course you’re not gonna know the reason then. Colin stress-drinking being canon is like the worst thing that could ever happen to me. It’s literally the night before their wedding and shit’s not resolved yet, i’m gonna scream into a pillow.

Aww i hate that penelope’s so understanding about colin’s anger but like i also love that about her because she will admit her mistakes and admit that she’s wrong and that’s so hard to find in a character sometimes. I also love her friendship with Genevieve like she’s the only one that truly understands her.

Lmaoo not penelope stepping onto that platform thingy or step or whatever it was to be taller like baby you’re still just three apples tall. DAMN, Penelope really said, “i am not standing for this slander anymore” and threw his words back at him. Does this fight count as talking things out? Personally i would say yes but 🤷‍♀️

“you should’ve told me to my face.” Like??? Did she not…try? Did she not utter the words marina’s in love with another and you just brushed her off??? Like sir don’t throw that at her when you damn well know she tried to do everything she could’ve before resorting to her gossip column.

The acting is so insanely good oh my god like i get both of them here but i’m a little bit biased and slightly more on pen’s side, whistledown is a good thing, it protects the bridgertons and helps them.(sometimes without them even realizing it.)

I love how penelope just has to drop the l-word and colin pushes her up against a wall, making out with her in the middle of a street. Like are We sure LW is gonna be a problem, colin? At least he made sure she got into the carriage this time.

Not Violet calling in the big guns with Kanthony like they’re so sickeningly in love with each other what marital advice can they give colin??? Kate’s so pretty and her bump is so cute. “You think our marriage is perfect?” “Is it not?” Anthony’s not helping at all lmaooo. Poor woman is truly working overtime trying to get everyone out of their slump while pregnant first el, then gregory, now colin. Just let her rest??? And anthony’s little comments lmaoo he was not having any of it.

Kanthony reminiscing about their wedding??? And you expect me to say they’re not sickening??? SHUT UP NOT YELLOW BEING PLAYED FOR POLINS WEDDING IM ACTUALLY GONNA JUMP OF A BRIDGE THIS IS SO PERFECT. Can we take a moment to appreciate penelope’s wedding gown??? She looks so fucking ethereal oh my god. Like one thing about bridgerton, the women always look ethereal.

I know we haven’t resolved the LW issue yet but colin looks so genuinely in love and happy during the wedding scene. It’s sad to know that will probably not last :( Eloise And prudence both crying of happiness, so true. Aww penelope’s sister being nice to her, she’s so not used to it.

PEN AND ELOISE EYE CONTACT EYE CONTACT EYE CONTACT LIKE YOU GIRLS ARE ALREADY SO BACK.

Not Benedict fucking off from his own brother’s wedding for what??? The threesome or what??

Awww Anthony wants a birth in india 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 he’s such a looser for her. I love kanthony so much 🥺🥺🥺

Portia is actually so??? i don’t know, nurturing??? Like she truly shows she cares for pen.

Also POLIN DANCING TO YOU BELONG WITH ME I REPEAT POLIN DANCING TO YOU BELONG WITH ME. They’re the cutest oh my god. The way the entire room just disappeared and colin was this 🤏 close to throwing all sense out the window and folding, like he would’ve full on made out with her if the queen hadn’t entered. LMAOO NOT PENELOPE LEAVING WHEN THE QUEEN SAID BRIDGERTONS ONLY AND COLIN LITERALLY HAD TO PULL HER BACK???

I’m 100% certain penelope would’ve full on confessed she was whistledown if Francesca hadn’t stepped up with her kilmartin thing. She’s so cute. The queen clocked their tea and anthony seriously was like no you’re wrong.

THAT FUCK ASS WIG I HATE THAT FUCK ASS WIG FOR THE RESHOOTS, I THOUGHT I’D NEVER HAVE TO SEE IT AGAIN 🙄🙄🙄 On another note i love that pen is delivering with her speech here, like yes queen pop off my little feminist. The queen just had to ruin the wedding, did she?

AWW WAR IS SO TRULY OVER WE GOT A SCENE OF ELOISE COMFORTING AND HUGGING PENELOPE AS SHES CRYING INTO HER SHOULDER! PENELOISE BACK SO TRUE SO REAL

WOAH HAPPY PRIDE MONTH TO BENEDICT BRIDGERTON I GUESS. A WIN FOR THE GAYS, BI’S, WHATEVER YOU IDENTIFY AS. ELOISE NEXT!

[sneezingisnotnormal]

The Definitive Best Episodes of DnDads

What do I mean by best? These are the episodes that have so many good emotional/hilarious beats that it’s hard to pick out any single moment in it. Every second is iconic. They are in chronological order, but they coincidentally also build from least iconic to most iconic. Spoilers, obviously.

Season 1, Ep. 44: Deck Picks

I think about this episode so much. The literal terror in the air from every which way. The jokes about this being the last episode. Ron literally getting punted out of the story forever. Mr. Moustache weighing the options of getting back his only friend ever or the person he used to be, then completely unrepentantly choosing Scam Likely. Scam Likely then IMMEDIATELY becoming Well Actually. Henry just casually getting a card that makes Lark hate him, literally setting up the ENTIRETY of season 2. Glenn picking a fight with a literal squirrel. Glenn winning AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. Glen losing. So. Hard. It’s the ultimate karma episode. Every moment feels predestined. There is nothing that makes a story better than complete and utter chance.

Season 1, Ep. 55: Mark! A Vagrant

Just conceptually, this episode is absolutely perfect. Bringing Ashly in to add to the utter chaos of the Jodie/Glenn dynamic was the PERFECT CHOICE. You have Goliath!Darryl having an identity crisis in the background. You have Will playing Jezball. You have Ashly and Anthony whipping out every embarrassing childhood memory they can think of. And of course, the crème de la crème, you have Glenn and Jodie fighting so hard to get the last word that they can’t even finish the goddamn fight. I swear to god I think about that shit every day.

Season 1, Ep. 56: SWAP (SWitched Ass Papas)

I mean. It’s a body swap episode. Of course I’m going to love it. Everyone’s interpretations of each others characters are so fucking perfect. Will!Ron looking to Beth!Darryl for advice on how to be a better Ron?? Immaculate, no notes. Beth!Darryl being fully just handshake and Catholicism? Hilarious. Matt!Henry basically just having a panic attack the whole time? 10000% accurate. Jimmy!Glenn and Freddie!Jodie sniping at each other every 5 seconds? I love it. One of my fave Beth May lines of all time: “I see the dramatic irony and I stick out my hand and say ‘Hi, I’m Darryl Wilson.’”

And THEN the conversation between Jodie and Dee Snyder. The call from Morgan that Jimmy!Glenn picks up and the pain of Glenn hearing his dead wife alive and well but no longer his wife. All of reality crashing down around these two men. A perfect blend of sad and utterly hilarious.

Season 1, Ep. 61: Death of a Salesman

Ron Stampler my absolute beloved. This is the only episode on this list that isn’t really funny and that’s because Beth May and Anthony Burch can tell a story like no one else oh my god. Going through Ron’s memories to find his anchor was such a clutch move. Starting off with something simple like Willie pushing him into the pool to teach him how to swim. Going on to Ron trying to cook dinner by himself. Then finally doing something good, something that made him worthwhile, only for Willie to walk in the second there’s an accident. Having to give up his dog. And finally, the fishing trip. Older Ron watching his younger self sadly, trying to prod him to do what Willie wants him to do, to not be a fuck-up, even though everyone else can see that it’s not his fault at all. Glenn going back to punch his principal. Finding the anchor in the fishhook, the thing Willie told him was special, that led Willie to trying to kill Ron, falling and dying in the process. It’s so fucking poetic and it makes me cry every time and everything about it is so well done. I could write essays about this episode.

Season 2, Ep. 34: Finding Tori

This is the episode I come back to if I need something to listen to because there’s no slow moment in this episode. It’s bit after bit after bit and I just cackle my way through it. I’m just gonna have to go chronologically through it.

First, the tight fives. Linc earnestly sitting down and over-explaining his favourite funny movie for 5 minutes is actually the most realistic thing I’ve ever seen. Taylor as Austin Powers doing anime themed stand-up to an utterly unimpressed Tori. Will being so fucking mad that he doesn’t get to be Austin Powers. Beth completely misunderstanding the assignment and doing 5 minutes of Napoleon Dynamite standup that’s 90% sexist jokes and 10% “wanna hear my Goofy impression? Gorsh.” Normal getting flustered and just completely ruining his chances with Hermie, who just fully to his face goes “you never loved me.” Anthony putting on full Joker makeup and delivering the BEST Gotham stand up the world has to offer. Tori just completely ripping each of them to shreds. Hermie’s “oh that’s ok I’ll kill myself.”

And like. That feels like a whole episode right? BUT NO. SCAM LIKELY JUST THROWS THEM INTO SPACE WITH A LIMBLESS NICHOLAS.

And now we have such bangers as Scary going insane! The wildest plans you’ve ever heard! ALL OF THE TEENS GETTING MARRIED SO THAT THEY BECOME ONE SOUL AND CAN USE BANISHMENT. The second they go to space it’s just a complete scramble to find a mechanic they could possibly use to get out of this. It’s truly DnD to its MAX, using the tools available to you to think outside the box.

Season 2, Episode 35: Apollo Four Teens

This episode, man. It almost feels like a completely different genre. I literally can’t pick a favourite part.

I mean you have them being forced to navigate their CANONIZED AND LEGAL POLYCULE. Anthony sending them back into space for 12 hours every time they try and say that their marriage isn’t real is maybe my favourite bit of DMing ever. Linc dealing with the episode 2 trauma of having a whole other life with a whole other wife who told him that she never wanted him to remarry???? Literally Matt is the king of random bits of lore that are brought up and resolved within 5 minutes I love it. Terry calling her mom to tell her she’s married is so fucking funny, I love Terry Marlowe. All the conversations about what pet names to call each other and the logistics of potentially opening up their relationship?? I love these guys being forced to seriously handle the consequences of their bullshit, it’s actually beautiful.

And then the fucking love triangle drama?? The Hero/Taylor enemies to lovers suddenly being shattered by Linc just trying his best to wingman for his husband?? Hero forcing Normal into all of this as HER wingman??? Normal pining like crazy over Hermie while Hermie suddenly falls HARD back into his crush on Terry??? And then Hermie offering a thruple to Normal to get him to wingman for HIM??? Peak comedy, someone get Normal therapy, he needs it after this shit.

And then you’ve got their plan to get Red Bull to sponsor them. Fucking insane plan to start with, and then they almost fuck it up just by literally doing the lamest stunts possible. I just can’t these teens are so stupid I love them so much.

Season 2, Ep. 37: Cut My Life into Pizzas

Ok. This is my favorite episode of DnDads. Hard stop. No other thoughts behind it. And that’s because it makes me laugh, it makes me cry, it makes me scream. It’s perfect.

First off, the All Star parody. Why did they do that to me. My heart simply cannot take it.

And then you have Terry freaking out, trying to find a way to fix the problem, putting on the hat just to get it out of the way, having all the memories flood back in. And Scary just can’t process what happened. And you get to see in real time as Scary realises that Willie doesn’t actually give a shit about her. And she decides that she CAN’T lose her stepdad. And you get to see in real time as Scary tries to fight back only to find that she’s given all her power to a man that wants to use her as a telephone. And you watch her lose all hope. She leaves her friends. She leaves her stepdad. She joins the kiddads and goes to help them get the final anchor.

The final anchor, which is the garlic knot heart of a pizza king. And it’s that kind of crazy ass piece of this world that makes DnDads the funniest fucking podcast out there. You will never make me laugh as hard as when I’m about to start crying.

And then you have the whole battle of Linc, Taylor, and Normal trying to get up the tower. Linc and Taylor becoming a fighting machine. The absolute insanity of Linc using Taylor’s toes a la ratatouille??? And of course, completely leaving Normal behind, causing Normal to officially snap: “LOOKS LIKE EVERYONE’S FALLING IN LOVE EXCEPT ME.” Deeply hilarious, and also deeply tragic in such a small and painfully familiar way. Meanwhile Scary is trying to find consolation in Sparrow’s stories about Terry Jr. and just feeling worse and worse. The👏emotional 👏turmoil👏

And then they get to the top and it’s a fucking meat door labelled vegans only. Anthony you motherfucker. And Scary just teleports in and rips that man’s heart out and offers it to anyone who can revive her stepdad. And she just completely shuts down when everyone says they can’t because she’ll never get to tell him what he meant to her.

And THEN, AS IF I’M NOT CRYING ENOUGH ALREADY, Linc confronts Grant. This kid who IDOLIZES his dads has to confront his dad and say “you’re doing the wrong thing. You had a choice and you chose wrong. And I can’t forgive you for that.” Grant trying so hard to explain to Linc that he can’t change who he is, only for Linc to say “well you knew you were messed up and you still chose to raise me. You chose to put all this onto me one day.” Jesus Christ. I need a character study on the Wilson’s. They hurt me. So bad.

Honorable Mention: 3.6 A Car is Born

An episode so fucking insane that the least memorable part is Francis getting a FUCKING GUN. The Tony Collette backstory. The moth Jesus. Dewar. I can’t with these idiots

[ebuchieshipper]

I CAN'T STAND THAT ANYMORE

(baby Hanma to grab your attention)

I'm patient man, but this shit is unbelievable STUPID and INSANE. I really tired of it and I need to tell the truth that many avoid BUT IT'S FUCKING TRUTH OPEN YOU DAMN EYES

YUJIRO IS SUCH A TERRIBLE FATHER AND PERSON

Why ppl still trying to show him like great dad? Have you read manga or watched anime with your ass? Or with closed eyes? And turned off the sound completely? Otherwise I can't understand that. If someone ask me: "Why do you think that Yujiro is a shit dad?" I'll show them last animes episodes. Yeah, you can say: "BUT BAKI LOVES HIM AND YUJIRO IS PROUD OF HIM" AND DON'T YOU DARE TO THINK SO

NO, NEVER EVER EVER

Baki is a really shitty argument, he's literally a humanized Daddy Issues. And Mommy Issues... Just one big Parent Issues, poor baby who wants to be loved and protected. He wants to his mother and father be proud of him, respect him, support him. But all he gets is psychological trauma and mental problems: Yujiro killed his mother in front of him, Emi never truly loves him, he growing up alone, training since childhood to please his father, he get bullied. Baki's self-esteem fell to the bottom of the Mariana Trench.

The only one in the family who showed real pride and care to Baki was Jack. Second traumatized child, who even jealousy of him because of their father's attention (I believe he love Baki much more than envies him, just look at these boys) ((their hug was super adorable))

He literally cries every time his parents show him a tiny bit of attention and love. He had a real panic attack when Yujiro came to visit him JUST VISITED HIM AND BABY ALMOST CRIED. It's not normal, he cries when he remembers his mother's last words, cries when Yujiro behaves unaggressively. He was actually scared when his father just RAISED HIS HAND. He thought Yujiro would hit him and then ppl still say he was a good father? Fr???

I mean stop romanticizing abusive father-son relationships... Itagaki needs to stop suffering with this shit first of all. It's unhealthy, sick and awful relationships, I wanna punch Yujiros freaking face (he's so ugly and a bastard too)

At least we have good brothers relations, thanks for that