#lads i think i am going to be crying and having many a panic attack this spring unless i can forcibly shift myself into a dissociative stat

[miodiodavinci]

writing out my to-do list for the semester and feeling an overwhelming wave of terrified nausea like ohhhhh this is going to suck so so bad huh

[doof-doofblog]

"I Just Feel Sorry For You!"

Friday 4th December 2020

Good evening everyone! Hope you all had a brilliant weekend, I unfortunately have been working all through the weekend and it looks to be another busy week ahead for me! This is the episode I've been eager to be blogging about, it's the one that the majority of us all were waiting for, I feel like I'm so late to the party and I apologise that this is late!

But oh my goodness, what an absolutely fantastic episode!!!!!! THAT ENDING!!!! WOW, WOW, WOW! I will come to that a little later on, but boy, what a jam packed episode it was, I love how everything and everyone has/had some form of scenario of who could be Ian's attacker!

The first thing I kind I noticed when the episode started was the birds eye view of the Square, and how it call came down to seeing the man at the centre of the stage, Ian, walking down the Square. We know this is going to be a gripping episode as we know there are a lot of people who are going to be out for their revenge! Ian has hurt so many people in recent weeks/days, it was only a matter of time before someone was pushed over the edge and felt their need to get their own back on him.

Before we come to the juicy part, there are 2 or 3 main things I want to mention first about this episode, one being that Ian got arrested for mortgage fraud. Before he is even arrested though, Ben approaches him regarding his knowledge about his brother reporting him to the police, he is absolutely seething with his brother, almost to the point where he wants to go for him. Callum fights to keep Ben off his brother, Ian remains silent but keeps his distance from Ben, that is until the police turn up. Ben instantly assumes that they have come for him and puts his hands out ready to be handcuffed, however when they asked for Ian Beale, Ben steps to one side and is almost thrilled to see the police arrest his brother for something he's completely unaware of. I guess the most thrilling part of this, is that Ian is seen getting arrested by the majority of the community, some look happy, some look surprised, some just don't have a clue what's going on! But the one main person who's thrilled to see Ian getting arrested, is Tina - as she was the one who reported him in the first place!

The second thing I want to talk about is how such a fantastic actress Tanya Franks is! I absolutely love her, she nearly brought me to tears in this episode. Devastatingly, Stuart informs his wife, by giving her a document silently, that Keegan and Tiffany have changed their minds in regards to being her surrogate. She, at first, refuses to believe it and informs her husband to force the young couple to sign the document. But later on in the Square, Rainie sees the young couple walking away down the street, she runs towards them and begs them to change their mind. Even falling to her knees, in floods of tears, begging Tiffany to change her mind, she promises to be the best Mum she can be. You can see she's absolutely heartbroken to have such a treasured thing be taken away from her, it's as if her unborn baby has simply been snatched right out of her hands. To be honest, as Rainie is pleading on her knees and trying to reassure them that she'd do her best to be a good Mum, I'm sure neither of them doubt her for a second - she would make a good Mum, regardless of her past - being a Mum is all she's ever wanted, and she would live for her child! Tiffany kneels to Rainie's level, even though she is completely and utterly heartbroken, Tiffany deeply apologies for changing her mind and explains the reason has nothing to do with Stuart or Rainie, but the simple fact is that she's just not ready. At such a young age, it's hard for her to commit to such a huge agreement, she physically, emotionally and mentally can't do it. It's a devastating, heart wrenching blow for poor Rainie as she sobs and watches Tiffany and Keegan walk away. Tanya Franks was absolutely incredible in this scene, I almost felt I was going to cry myself, I feel for Rainie, I really do and I just hope, as Stuart says, they will find another way to have a child - even if they ask someone else to be their surrogate. Later on, as the heartbroken couple sit on Arthur's bench in the gardens, they see Ian walking towards them, Rainie can't help herself and blames Ian for talking to Whitney, as - to her realisation - she has convinced Tiffany not to go ahead and help them have a baby, it's then that Ian makes an awful insult to the couple and basically - in not so many words, say that they don't deserve a baby! Honestly, how cruel can someone get?!

The third thing I want to focus on is the Lucy Beale charity money, we all know that Ian stole the money from his deceased daughter's charity fund and transferred it into Max's account. However, to begin with Max was completely unaware where Ian got the money from, as far as he was concerned, Ian had simply paid an instalment of the money he owes him, it was later on that Ian revealed to him, after Linda won the Lucy Beale Award, where the money had come from - informing him that he'd simply framed him. In this episode, Max is in a blind panic as he visits Linda and informs her about the winning cheque. She is completely stunned to hear what Ian has done, but after he caught them kissing, it doesn't surprise her - she knew he would be up to something and make them know that they wouldn't get away with it. The interesting thing is, when Linda is told about the money, she takes it upon herself to inform the Beale brothers, simply stating that she can't cash in the cheque as the money has been stolen, from their own Dad and transferred into Max's account. I do feel sorry for Bobby at this point, Peter doesn't seem at all surprised as he knows that all their Dad cares about is money, but when Bobby checks the laptop, he devastatingly notices that all the money that had been raised has simply gone. As Linda leaves the young lads to it, she warns them that they need to stop their Dad from doing something he may regret. Once they're left alone, Bobby is seen counting on his fingers again and counting how many times he taps the laptop down, whilst he's doing this, Peter is informing him how he and Lucy grew up with their Dad making terrible decisions and watching him care about other things than them, but Bobby was too young to see and went to prison at such a young age, for a complete accident. He points out that Bobby was too young to understand, even mentioning that Ian doesn't care about how much he's tried to better himself since being released from prison and especially how the day in hand was meant to be one for their sister, but Ian managed to make it all about him. As Peter continues, Bobby can't seem to take anymore and smashes the laptop in a rage, to which Peter is finally happy to see his brother taking his anger out on their Father, it's then he says that Lucy shouldn't be the one who's dead, but Ian instead!  

Later on Tina informs her brother that she was the one who got Ian nicked by the police, she informs him excitedly that they be able to get the pub back. However, this is where Mick turns nasty once again to another one of his family members. He turns around and starts to insult his sister, telling her that getting the Queen Vic back in their name, is not going to help what is going on inside his head. This is where I begin to feel sorry for Tina, she's been trying so hard to cheer her brother up after seeing him so low over the past few weeks, of course she was only trying to be nice in getting the pub back for him. However, Mick insults her, telling her she's pathetic, how not only she, but no else understands what's going on inside his head and how getting the Vic back is not going to help, not even close. Tina is teary as her brother tells her leave, as she does - I've come to notice that she is the final person, in Mick's close family circle, that he has finally pushed away. First it was his Mum, Shirley, then his wife, Linda and now his sister, Tina. I do think that now Mick is going to find himself with no one, and he'll end up turning to Katy - which may be the most terrible idea! As Tina returns to the Square, she stares as the Queen Vic pub through tears, Ian watches her and approaches her from behind. It seems that he's discovered that she was the one who reported him to the police after Kathy drunkenly revealed the truth to her. Through angry, gritted teeth Tina informs Ian that the Vic doesn't belong to him and should belong to someone who deserves it, like Mick! But Ian laughs at her response and ironically says that they can have the Vic back - over his dead body! It's then she runs after him and informs him that everyone on the Square absolutely despises him and one day there is going to be a queue of people waiting to dance on his grave, and she will be the first in line! Ian doesn't seemed phased by her outburst, he simply shrugs and says he doesn't hate her, just feels sorry for her - suddenly Tina is enraged and barges into his house and shuts the door with an almighty BANG!

Then silence, blackness! It's night time - the camera draws in onto the Queen Vic, out of the dark shadows we see the silhouette of Ian, lying face-down on the Queen Vic floor, a visible wound to his head, and then - the montage begins! All of sudden we're seeing different characters with different scenarios, leaving the Vic, hiding in the darkness, covered in blood - all of whom have a motive of wanting Ian dead. This piece of film and editing was absolutely incredible! This is definitely EastEnders at it's absolute best!!! A classic WhoDunIt? Let's take a look at the suspects EastEnders have lined up:-

Who Attacked Ian?!

Tina Carter

Rainie Highway

Ben Mitchell

Stuart Highway

Peter Beale

Suki Panesar

Bobby Beale

Max Branning

I don't know about you guys, but I am completely and utterly excited to see this story continue, it's going to be so gripping to see how each one of these character's story play out in the next few episodes. I have a feeling that maybe over the next few episodes, or maybe even within the next few weeks - we'll see each and every one of those character's mentioned above, their story of that night in question! I for one, am so excited to see how each one unfolds! But could there be more suspects that we're unaware of? Could it actually be someone who's not in this list? What do you guys think?! Were you on the edge of your seat as much as I was?! Please feel free to leave me any comments or opinions, I'd love to hear your thoughts, on this episode especially! I'll always reply! Thanks a lot everyone! I'll be back very soon! Love you all xXx

[angryinternetduck]

Good Years

1.7k words on Zayn in One Direction and potential inspiration for Good Years.  Warning: this fic deals with anxiety and also a little bit of alcohol abuse! Please stay safe!  Also - slight use of bad language.  When she was little, Walihaya Malik loved to sing karaoke. She loved to sing her heart out, and the only thing that made the whole experience that much better than a fancy microphone was singing with her older brother. 

Which meant Zayn was constantly roped into the singing festivities. And most of the time, it was fun. It was only less than wonderful when she asked him to play about every other night. Singing the same songs over and over again multiple nights in a row wasn’t exactly Zayn’s idea of a good time. 

It was exhausting. There was nothing worse than that heavy feeling of weariness that came with the lack of energy that it took to have fun. Or worse, to look like you’re having fun, which happened any time Walihaya gave Zayn the puppy eyes when he’d collapse on the couch after a song. 

Going on tour with the band was trying to look like you’re having fun constantly. 

Constantly meaning every single night. 

For a year. Straight. 

And then again. 

And again, and again. 

_____________________________________________________________

Zayn felt like he couldn’t breathe. 

He felt like his ribs were contracting, like his chest was caving in on his lungs. 

They had a show in a few hours. He didn’t think he could do it. He felt light-headed and sick and he had a headache. Liam kept telling him to eat, but Zayn couldn’t even look at Niall’s jumbo platter from Nando’s without wanting to hurl. 

All he wanted to do was go outside. He wanted to sit in front of a tree and draw and just be alone in the silence and the sunlight. He wanted to breathe, to feel the wind and the sun and the nature and watch the clouds and the birds and the flowers. 

But he couldn’t. He couldn’t even open a bloody window without hearing the screaming masses. He loved the fans, he really did, but they got on his nerves when they stopped him from going outside and suffocated him. 

He went through the motions during rehearsals and sat in the toilets during the in-betweens, almost wanting to throw up just to get the feeling of nausea out of his stomach. It didn’t work, and Zayn wanted to call quits on the show. 

He didn’t. He couldn’t. 

_____________________________________________________________

1 AM, GMT+1 - 2 HRS. POST-SHOW

LONDON, ENGLAND, UNITED KINGDOM

ROOM 112, THE RITZ

“You think we’ve wasted all our good years?” Zayn asked quietly, staring at the ceiling of Niall’s hotel room. “No doubt about it,” Louis replied. There was a clink, and Zayn looked up to see his glass of whiskey magically refilled. 

“Ah, cheers,” Zayn murmured, taking a sip. 

“Bloody hell,” Harry sighed, reaching for the bottle himself. “We’re gonna be dead tomorrow.” Zayn gave a wry smile. “Wouldn’t mind that all that much,” he said, and Liam nodded. “Be a bit of a relief, wouldn’t it?” 

“It’s too late for this shit,” Niall murmured, and Zayn smiled, knowing that he was curled up in his bed, practically already asleep. “Go to sleep, Ni,” he said. “You’re just -” Niall cut him off with a pillow thrown in his face. 

“I’m trying,” he insisted. “You lot are too bloody loud!” 

“Oi!” Louis exclaimed. “You’re the one who invited us!” 

Niall groaned. “No, I didn’t! I said I had a few bottles of Guinness, and if you wanted to come up for a few minutes, you could! Not that we should stay up talking shit until two in the bloody morning!” 

“You should really know better by now,” Harry said through a yawn. 

“We really should sleep, though,” Liam murmured, but he didn’t make any moves to get up. “Maybe we should just… not,” Zayn said. “We could just… refuse.” That got a laugh out of Louis, who chuckled and stood up with a stretch. 

“That,” he said, heading for the door, “would be quite entertaining. Good luck with that. Night, lads.” Zayn yawned, shifting into the sofa he was lying on. “I’m not moving,” he grumbled, and Liam sighed. “You’ll get yelled at tomorrow…” 

“You know how many fucks I give?” Zayn asked, and Liam sighed again, evidently already aware of his answer. “How many, Zayn?” he asked tiredly.“Zero, Payno,” Zayn said. “Zero. No fucks. Nada. I could not care less if I tried. And I’m not trying.”

“Right,” Liam said. “Night, then. Harry? Comin’ with?” 

A clink. Zayn peeked an eye open to see the bottle of whiskey, empty on the table, and Harry dragging the back of his hand across his mouth. “Abso-fuckin’-lutely,” he slurred, and he followed Liam out of the hotel room. 

“Night, Ni,” Zayn mumbled. 

Niall gave him only a loud snore in reply. 

Zayn got in trouble the next morning. 

He still didn’t give a fuck. 

_____________________________________________________________

Zayn closed his eyes, gripping his mic tight and holding back the tears. Just an hour more, he told himself. One more hour, and he’d be in bed. No more people, no more screams, just him and the silence. 

The music began. The crowd roared. 

Zayn bit his lip as the tears threatened to spill over. 

A crowd of tears, he thought miserably, forcing a smile to his face. 

A crowd of a thousand tears. 

_____________________________________________________________

“Honestly,” Louis said softly, watching the crowd with a frown, “I would rather be anywhere else right now. Like, the North Pole sounds about perfect at the moment.” Zayn gave a weak attempt at a smile. “Imagine leaving, right now? Just… walking out? Think there’d be a scandal?” 

Louis laughed. “Oh, you bet. World would probably go up in flames, it would.” 

“If only,” Zayn murmured. 

“If only,” Louis echoed. 

And then he was smiling, running down the platform with all the energy in the world, and screaming and bouncing and jumping up and down and singing with all his heart like it was no big deal. 

As he walked down the platform himself, barely keeping a smile on his face, Zayn wondered how the bloody hell Louis could agree with his miserable notions one moment and be beaming and laughing the next. 

For the life of him, he just could not figure it out. 

_____________________________________________________________

MIDNIGHT, PDT - 1 HR. POST SHOW

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA, UNITED STATES of AMERICA

A CLUB SOMEWHERE IN BEVERLY HILLS

Zayn felt like 

he was on top 

of the world. 

Everything was spinning, everything was blurry, he heard voices screaming loud as bloody hell and Zayn loved it because nobody liked silence after a good show. He was drinking some sort of alcohol, dancing with the boys, drunk off his face. 

He was a superstar, he kept thinking. 

He was at a club, in Beverly Hills, in the United States of America. 

Him. Zain Javadd Malik. That little boy from Bradford.  

Was a star. 

Who’da thunk?

Not Zayn, that’s for damn sure. 

 He wished he could feel like that forever. He was absolutely content, bouncing and laughing drunkenly but somehow completely calm and still and collected at the same time. He could breathe, he could think (mostly), he didn’t have a worry in the world. 

Nothing in the world could ever bring him down. 

He was sure of it. 

The hangover the next morning brought him down. 

It was rubbish. 

Zayn vowed never to drink again. 

He broke that vow the next night, after the next show. 

The next morning brought another vow, and the next night brought another broken one. 

It was a vicious cycle. 

_____________________________________________________________

A fan. 

Zayn couldn’t remember her name. 

She was nice, and proper fit, if Zayn recalled that much, and had a nice smile. 

And she asked Zayn, Are you okay?

And she said in such a way, in such a tone, that Zayn almost broke down and started crying right then and there. She’d touched his elbow, just a bit, and looked into his eyes, and asked, and it took all of Zayn’s strength not to collapse in sobs. 

“‘Course I’m alright,” he said instead. “Why wouldn’t I be?” 

“Shows in your eyes,” she said quietly, “when you’re upset. If somebody holds pain, deep inside them, they can usually keep it off their face. But you can’t keep it out of your eyes, Zayn.” She paused, giving him a smile. “Don’t keep it all in, eh?” she told him. “Can’t have you dying on us.” 

Zayn swallowed back the tears and nodded. 

“I’ll do my best,” he said truthfully. “Just for you.” 

_____________________________________________________________

Zayn stared at the ceiling of his bedroom, a little drunk. 

He watched the ceiling fan spin round and let himself think.

He was done with One Direction. 

They’d go off, do their thing, and Zayn would do his. 

ZAYN. 

They were already starting the album process. 

Zayn hummed a melody they’d pitched, remembering that drunken conversation in the Ritz of London. He thought of all the crazy times he’d had with the boys, all the insane concerts and ridiculous fan experiences. He thought of the amazing fan mail and the countless compliments, of the trillions of Tweets and colorful signs. He thought of the kindness of the fans and the love they’d given, of their loyal support and unrelenting adoration.

But then he thought of the drugs and alcohol and hung-over mornings spent face-first in the toilets. And he thought of all the mornings spent face-first in the toilets not because of hangovers, but because of pressure and tension and fear. He thought of the panic attacks and stomach-wrenching stress and suffocating afternoons spent trapped in screaming-mass surrounded hotels.

Staring at the ceiling fan, Zayn realized with a start that he was already 22 years old; he’d basically reached his prime in life but was only just beginning his career as a soloist and - dare he say it - his career as a serious artist with respectable music. 

All he could do now, he thought tiredly, was pray he hadn’t wasted all his good years. 

_____________________________________________________________

Tell me: 

1. your thoughts on Icarus Falls 2. if any of the boys’ solo songs makes you cry  3. if you’ve ever been to a 1D or solo concert 4. your thoughts on panera bread or! 5. Tell me anything!!! Feedback is always much appreciated :) 

[brunhielda]

This made me laugh until I peed.

Yes, from a plot line stand pint it is brilliant and would be full of emotional drama, and astounding action and would just be STUNNING to behold…

But I think you individually sent the Rise Fam to the funniest clash of personalities you possibly could???

2012- Raph first loves then hates him, Mikey is immediate prankster bestie, unfortunately for Don who gets the brunt, but then encouraged to in unparalleled ways just evil scientist this shit up and Leonardo would hate then love him. By the end, the two Leos are just the weirdest best friends anyones ever seen and 2012 Leo has become so fricken devious, which does make Raph smile even if Rise Leo is so frickin ANNOYING-Choas. I am talking chaos. In all the best ways.

Bayverse- Mikey is litterally a little anime chibi to them. That would be enough comedy on its own, but then it becomes apparent that he is way more emotionally mature and by the end it is just Mama Migel leading around his big strong lads?

2003- ‘Tello: “Honor? What honor? Why have honor when you can have a self launching tactictile magical nuclear missal?!” 2003 turtles proceed to chase his evil scientist ass around trying to do damage control. His loudness of character and sheer strength of Will is like at 110% compared to them, and Idk that they would have any idea what to do about it. Raph suggests full on imprisonment until everything is over MULTIPLE times. Leo considers it seriously. Don says they need his mind. Mikey says it would make the other fam cry. In the end the most they can do is deflect him into things that are actually helpful. Mikey gets real good at it.

2k7 movie- is like the darkest movie version despite the mystic monsters. Is about broken family coming together. Rise Raph would come in, and they would be all “whoa, look at the size of this bruiser!” And then he proceeds to just… Mother. Just the image of this big beefy turtle as big and intimidating as any of the monsters they faught in that movie being the softest person they have ever met cracks me up. He bakes cakes. Sits around knitting while thinking. Insisting on team meetings and snack breaks and sleep. Will absolutely go “how would Dr. Feelings handle this conflict?” and steps in to mediate all potential fights. He only has to bodily hold them up and make them apologize once. He and Rise Mikey high five on how well they did to help thier counterparts as soon as they are reunited. “I used that thing you said about breathing for a Donny panic attack.” “And I totally used that line about leadership you keep saying on new Leo and Raph- I figured the words of another Leader and Raph would work better.”

IDW- April would look around, and realize how much more serious, and at the same time, in so many ways, how much YOUNGER these guys are. I mean, they mutate, then proceed to have every possible thing dumped on them in the span of 6 months. It is all training and fighting and surviving and no time for fun, and everything is still so achingly NEW all the time. She would observe this for like an afternoon and be like, “I’m sorry Splints, no disrespect, but we are TAKING a five minute break before this all breaks us, and I AINT having no argument,” and proceeds to insist on moments to teach them fun/dumb things. Splinter would be miffed at that at first, but recognizes how much they need her to get through what is happening so let’s it go on, and would be a little impressed by her force of personality. And then he sees the smiles she is bringing to his sons faces, and the laughs he hasn’t heard almost ever, and decides she is just as much of a bright light as thier April and treasures her dearly. I just have this image of the four turtles, cowed and in awe, sitting in a circle around Rise April and quietly waiting thier turn while she patiently paints thier nails and is yakking on about how pillow fights work. Bonus points if she teaches them pillow/water/laser gun fights (and any other unorthodox Lui Jitsu moves) and they end up using it to great success in the final battle.

Also, can we send Future Casey to 1990 movies? Give him some time to learn how to have fun without angst reminds of dead parental figures? I just think them teaching him how to properly slice up pizza and play video games and dance through the lair while Donnie’s computer calculates (it’s the 90s, it’s dial up, it’s going to talk some time), would be hilarious and wholesome, and great.

Dump Daxum in the 1980s. He comes back with souvenirs. Enough said.

Mama Cass + original comics. Just have the rest of the fam wonder “I wonder who got to deal with Cassandra?” Cut to the five dark shadows doing epic assassin shit for 30 sec. “I hope they are ok.” Her eyes gleaming as she gets five minutes of all she wanted out of her original foot clan. “I mean SHE’LL be fine, but I just hope she isn’t running over everyone.” Deep bow. “Hai Sensei.” She comes back rejuvenated, knowing so much more technique, being like “That was exactly what I needed. Tbh, they were a little intense for me to be there all the time, but what a CLAN!”

Meanwhile, back in Rise Universe, Splinter first loses his mind trying to find out what happened, but after Rise Donny makes contact, he calms down and proceeds to make a new B Team out of mostly the lesser villians to defend thier NY from the Krang. No body gets along, and it is hilarious. Moment when we finally see Warren and Hypno confess. Learning how to work as a team, and it’s beautiful in the dumbest ways.

This would just be a hilarious crossover arch for a show is all I am saying. A full episode or 2 for each group, maybe just flashes of Draxum and Cass in other eps. One ep to establish, one to reunite/regroup, one for finale. Would this be the best season of TMNT we have ever witnessed? Idk, you tell me.

Cool Ultimate TMNT Crossover Idea:

There’s this like, super powerful Ultimate Multiverse Kraang trying to take over the multiverse.

They start with the Rise Universe, thinking they’re going to be the easiest.

Due to some freak accident and mystic fighting however, the Rise TMNT are able to postpone their plans.

But in the process, each get sent to different universes.

Leo to the 2k12 universe.

Mikey to the Bayverse.

Donnie to the 2k3 universe.

Raph to the 2k7 movie universe

And April to the IDW comics

At this point, these Ultimate Kraang have decided to spread off to the other universes, and now it’s up to our Rise turtles, separated and with these new turtles, to find a way to defeat this Kraang and reunite.

I actually have no idea how this would go all I imagine is how each of the Rise! Gang would end up wounded in these separate universes and how each of those universes’ TMNT would find them and bring them back to their Lairs.

Then I thought of the ending, all these other TMNTs and the original Rise Gang ending up in the Rise universe to finish off these Kraang.

They realize they have their powers back. One of them let’s of some magic beam of some sort (maybe Donnie or Mikey) and then they all find each other and come into a bone-crushing hug.

Their reunion is cut short however by the Kraang, and cut to an epic showdown where the other TMNTs watch how powerful the ROTTMNT are with their mystic powers and then join in the battle.

[jane-ways]

Scion of Kings, Chapter 4

Well, this is it! The last chapter (for now...I don't think I'll be able to put away this Gil for good). I know this is a quick turnaround, but I knew what I wanted to write and the plot bunny wouldn't leave me alone (and I wanted to finish the story before going on vacation). Special thanks to @ecthvlion for betareading.

Lastly, my very talented friend Ian was kind enough to take a commission of my Gil! I think he looks very handsome - check it out and give it a reblog here!

Thank you all for joining me on this journey! This was my first ever fic, and it's been so wonderful to read all your comments and get your support. You guys make this worth doing :)

Read it on the Silmarillion Writers’ Guild and AO3.

Maedhros sat at his old desk, made for him when he reached the age of ascension and became, according to the laws and customs of the Eldar, an adult. He had always been tall, and even then, when he still had a few inches left to grow, the desk had been a little short for him. But like all things of one’s youth, it had become part of the fabric of life, the slight stoop it forced him into as natural a part of writing as breathing.

But how does one pick up the threads of an old life, its pattern no longer familiar to the fingertips? In Himring, Maedhros had commissioned a new desk, more suited to his height and station in life. It was the desk of a king, a warrior, fit for sealing and stamping and making the fate of the world, not of a boy-prince composing treatises on rhetoric in the warmth of his mother’s house. He no longer knew the stoop he had forced his shoulders into, sitting at his old desk in a life he no longer recognized.

No muscle memory to weave this new world, then.

Maedhros sighed. He rolled his shoulders in discomfort, and organized all he would need: several sheaves of paper, an inkwell, a quill, a nib sharpener. Laying them all out in a neat grid before him, he considered his options. He had to tell the lad, of course—he laughed at himself, then, breaking his own train of thought. “‘Lad’ indeed,” he said to himself. “He’s High King and here I am calling him a lad.”

The last time Maedhros had seen him, of course, he really had still been a lad, small and cold and frightened. But even then, there had a been a strength in the boy’s eyes, a steady burning—not of hatred, or even judgment, but of the will to live. (Secretly in his heart of hearts Maedhros had envied that fire even then.)

He had held the boy close, wrapped him in his cloak and rubbed feeling back into his limbs. An unexpected surge of affection had coursed through him, then, the memory of many brothers and cousins who as children long ages ago had cried in his arms. Briefly, he had considered taking the child with him. But how could he have damned a child to such a life as that? How could he have been so selfish as to risk more violence—a last retribution against the heir of Dior from his fallen brothers’ followers?

So Maedhros had let him go—called him Starlight after the fire in his eyes and sent him to the last place in Beleriand the boy might be safe. He had thought of Gil-galad often, especially after the twins had come into his life, wondered what sort of man he was growing into, what sort of education he was receiving. If he was happy.

It all fell into place, then. Maedhros had never been one for over-deliberation; once the path cleared before him, he followed it with as little to-do as possible. The words already laying themselves out in his mind’s eye, he set pen to paper.

To Gil-Galad, from Maedhros.

Greetings, my lord. I thank you kindly for your letter, and am glad to learn of Elrond’s success in court, and in friendship. You seem like a good sort of person, and he speaks very fondly of you. In another life, I think, had had things been different, I would have been very fond of you as well.

It does me great honor to know that you hold me in such regard. I am not sure what I have done to deserve it—

‘No,’ Maedhros firmly reminded himself. No self-pity, no guilt. These were, as his mother often reminded him, unhelpful emotions. And he knew this; he remembered the cocoon of loathing he had once tangled himself in. In a fit of exasperation, Fingon had once yelled at him, “It’s not good enough to just stand there and say, ‘I’m sorry, I’m terrible;’ you have to do something about it! You have to stop being terrible and actually start making amends!” He had been right, Maedhros supposed, although it was a feat easier said than done. But what was this strange second life if not a chance to rid oneself of the easy familiarity we all have with the more unpleasant parts of ourselves?

“Here’s to mending,” Maedhros murmured, lifting his quill in a mock salute.

—but it is welcome nonetheless. There is no delicate way to put this, and so I shall say it right out: being your father would bring me no end of pride, but the honor is not mine.

You doubtless wish to know the story, and although I have debated with myself over the potential harm telling you may do, you seem a man of steady constitution, and I believe it is your right to know. I will try to relate the matter as factually as I can, but I beg of you to forgive whatever bias remains.

You were born Eluréd. Dior was your father and Nimloth was your mother and Doriath was your home. You had a twin brother, Elurín, and a sister, Elwing. You know what became of her. And so Elrond your dear friend is also your nephew and your heir, a fact which I hope may bring you some measure of peace. Of you and your brother I shall now relate.

When my brothers and I sent word asking for—well, I suppose demanding is really the correct word—the return of the Silmaril and heard nothing in return, I hoped that Dior would at least expect an attack and evacuate Menegroth. This was not to be, and when Dior slew my brother Celegorm, a few of his followers, blinded by hate and rage, retaliated in the cruelest way they knew how. They took you and your brother—Elwing they could not find—and left you in the woods. Your intended fate you can imagine.

When I heard what they had done, I slew them and went searching for you. It was the dead of winter, and the woods were treacherous with snow and ice and things that are not spoken of in the Blessed Realm. When I found you, you were huddled in the hollow of a dead tree, barely alive and crying for your brother. He lay at the bottom of a nearby ravine with his neck at an angle. He was surely dead, and you would have soon joined him had I not found you then. I warmed you, garbed you in my own cloak, and sent you to the one place I hoped would remain safe. I told no one but the messenger I sent you with, a woman long in my service and whom I had trusted with my own life more than once. She died at Sirion, and thus with me our secret passed beyond knowledge into the West.

Maedhros paused there, releasing a deep breath he felt he’d been holding for thousands of years. So now he had explained that facts. But how could he ever explain? How could he justify the panic that had gripped him, covered in his little brothers’ blood, as Gil-galad’s tiny, half-frozen body curled in tight against his own? In that moment he had been pierced by the distinct feeling, as cold and clear as the winter sun above, that seeing this child to safety was the only important thing in the whole of Arda. What other justification was there, besides—“I did what any father would have done”?

Forgive me for what I did. You have, it seems, forgiven me for Sirion, but if you cannot find it in your heart to forgive me for Doriath, at least forgive me for concealing your identity. I feared for your life if my brothers’ followers learned that you lived. I feared they would try to complete what their compatriots had started, either before you reached Círdan or when you reached manhood. I feared, I suppose, that if they knew, if you were found out, you would be running all your life. I sometimes wondered if I made the right decision.

But when Gondolin fell, and the mantle of High King passed to you, I knew there was no going back. I could not risk open rebellion while your reign was still young and fragile. Then—

Then the Oath had awoken again, and Sirion was burning before Maedhros knew what he was doing. In Elrond and Elros, despite his initial reticence to keep them, he had recognized the chance to start over, to do things right this time. To repair a little of the damage he had done. But all too soon came war like even Maedhros had never known before, and the Oath clawed at him, shredding him apart until it was there was nothing left of himself and the Oath was all that remained. Of the end he remembered little but a pain so strong it numbed and a gaping maw in the earth to match what he felt in his heart.

—it was too late. But I do not think there is any harm done by a small reinterpretation of the truth that heals instead of harms. Perhaps it was fate, a little tweak in the fabric of history, or perhaps Námo really does have a sense of humor. You were born to be king, after all. And as it so happened, we Noldor had need of one. It seems you have done a good job of it. Were I your sire, I could not be prouder.

Here Maedhros stopped again, making to sign the letter. But it still felt incomplete. He turned Fingon’s old words over in his mind anew—it’s not enough to say you’re sorry. You have to make amends. Maedhros thought of the little boy he had once cradled in his arms. It had been the first time he’d held a child in centuries. What choice would he make now, if he had to do it all over again, knowing what he knew?

I have been told that guilt without action is a selfish emotion. That it turns our thoughts inwards, rather than out towards the world we must seek to repair. I think, when I found you, for a brief moment I was able to transcend that guilt. I saw clearly that the duty of your protection fell to me, and me alone. I felt then what I felt for my own foster-sons when I sent them to stay with Círdan—I wanted to spare you the doom we had wrought for ourselves. Perhaps it is a strange sentiment, but not, it seems, unwelcome by you.      I was good with children, you know, what with so many little brothers and cousins to look after. I think I was not so bad with my own sons. You are grown now, but I think perhaps there is still a chance to do right by you, as I did by them.

Besides, there are not so many kings of the Noldor from whom you could have inherited that silver hair.

I wish you every happiness to be found in Middle-Earth—would that I could have known your new world, and shared those joys with you. If you will have me, it would be my honor to be called

Your father,

Maedhros

[slytherinspired]

The Last Of Us (part two) - A Sirius Black Imagine

Okay this is the second part of The Last Of Us :)

Warnings : A little bit of darkness and mention of suicidal thoughts. If it triggers you, do not read, please. 

Masterlist

By the way, it’s Slytherinspired 500 celebration and my ask is open for any HP headcanons! Feel free to send some requests! 

Y/N opened her eyes. She had a massive headache. She tried to get a glimpse of where she could be. It didn't seem like home. She tried to get up but was stopped by the ropes tying her to a chair. They were sealed with magic, there was no way she could get out of this. What had happened? She tried to remember. She had glimpse of a young handsome man. They had sex together. And then he said some things. He was a wizard. She tried to threat him. All she wanted was a quiet life, far from magic. She was scared he worked for her brother. Scared he would be trying to make her do things she didn't want to. Killing people. She remembered the way he ran to grab his jacket laying on the couch behind him. How she was so scared to hurt him that she froze when he grabbed his wand. 'I don't want to fight' she told him. And Sirius smiled. 'Me neither.' But with panic, she threw a spell at him. Flashes of colours were thrown everywhere in her apartment. And then, nothing. It was pitch black. Now she was sitting on a tiny chair, in a dark room Merlin knows where. She sighed. 'Here we go again...' she mumbled. She practiced in her head what she was going to say to Rodolphus. How she would beg him to leave her alone. She knew he wouldn't listen to her. He would take pleasure to see her that vulnerable. 'You don't walk away from family, sis. You can't escape your fate.' And he would summon her to do plenty of things under the imperius curse. But he'd make it so she would remember it all. And she'd be a total mess, again. She wouldn't be able to live with herself. Just like the last time. A door grinced and a flash of light bursted out of it. She had to close her eyes to adjust to the luminosity. She could sense there was sun in the other room. 'Morning love' said the voice she recognized. She didn't answer. Y/N wouldn't say anything. Sirius turned on the light in the room. She saw that she was actually in a cozy place. There was a couch beside her and a big dresser in the corner. 'Did you calm down or am I going to need this?' Sirius said, showing his wand in her face. But Y/N didn't say anything. 'Look, tying people is not my thing. I didn't enjoy doing so. I just want to talk, okay?' He sat on the couch and started playing nervously with his wand. 'You're a Lestrange, my cousin married one, I know them. I should be the one thinking you're a Death Eater.' 'I'm not' she answered, breaking her silence. 'I believe you're not. But you attacked me and I don't want risking that again' he said, pointing at the rope tying her hands together. 'I had no idea you were a witch. Really, it shocked me when you threw your wand at me.' She shook her head. There was a moment of silence. 'You said you had a cousin married to my brother. You're not a Black, are you?' Y/N asked, getting the pieces together. He frowned his eyebrows. 'I guess you could say I am. But I have no ties with my family. I turned my back on them a while ago.' Y/N turned away from him. She couldn't believe she fell for that guy. Of all the people she choose to have a one-night stand with, it had to be a wizard. And freaking Bellatrix Black's cousin. 'I believe we're alike' said Sirius. 'You said you left your family too. So why not fight for the other side?' Her eyes widened. 'The other side?' 'Yeah, you know. Trying to put an end to all this mess...' She laughed nervously. 'What's so funny?' Y/N's face became serious. 'You're kidding right? You honestly think there is a way to end this? Do yourself a favour and just run away. You stand no chance against the Dark Lord.' Sirius' expression stiffened. 'Well, I believe you didn't run away from your family because you agreed with them. So dare to explain what's your position in all this?' Y/N smiled again. 'I just want to be left out of it okay? Live a normal life.' Sirius laughed too. 'So you're a coward. You're too scared to fight?' It insulted Y/N. 'You think I'm scared? Is this what you think?' Sirius raised his shoulders. 'I'm not scared to fight against them.' 'Then why don't you?' She stared into Sirius' eyes. 'If I do, he's going to find me and make me do things I can't do anymore.' 'If who finds you?' 'My brother' Y/N replied, looking away. She didn't want to talk anymore. She just wanted to go home, get back to what she was doing before meeting that cursed lad into that crappy coffee place. 'I believe he is Rodolphus. Rodolphus Lestrange?' Y/N nodded. 'For Merlin's sake...' Sirius breathed. He couldn't actually believe it too. 'Help me understand then... Why did you ran away?' Y/N rolled her eyes. 'If I tell you, will you untie me and let me go back to my boring existence?' 'I can't promise anything but it will help your case' he answered, smirking. Y/N sighed loudly. 'My brother... If you ever met him, you know how he is. He was always drawn tot he Dark Arts, even when we where really young. He's a few years older than I am. He liked to practise his dark magic on me at first. He'd make me do things against my will. Like torturing animals and...' Y/N stopped. She felt nauseated. 'I didn't know what I was doing back then. I had no memories of it. But he developed his powers a lot with time. And he'd make me torture Muggles.' Sirius' eyes widened. His expression was not amused anymore. 'I started to remember things. I had flashes of what I had done but I didn't know if it was true or not. And if it was, I had no idea why I did them. I panicked people started to call me names. They said I was lunatic and crazy. I was always haunted by the things he'd make me do. I was so scared of myself.' She could feel tears mass in her eyes. 'I didn't want to attend Hogwarts. I never set foot there. I was scared I'd hurt people. So I was homeschooled. But my brother never stopped to put me under the imperius. I'd remember in details what I had done and I knew it was real. I started to lose it.' 'He's crazy...' mumbled Sirius under his breath. Y/N paused. She felt sick to her stomach. She was shaking. 'One day, he made me do the unforgivable. I won't do into details. But when I woke up, I felt so bad... I wanted to die.' Sirius looked at her. He was shocked. There was no way someone could be so horrible with anybody. Even his crappy parents wouldn't have done that to him. 'What happened?' he dared to ask, not sure he wanted to hear the answer. Y/N smiled weakly. 'Let's say I found myself at St-Mungo's. They treated me for a whole year. The day I came back home, Rodolphus was there with his fiancé. And I overheard a conversation. He said to her he wasn't scare to do what the Dark Lord had asked of him. That he had put someone under the imperius multiple times and that it worked.' 'You figured out he was talking about you...' said Sirius. Y/N bended. 'You know, all this time, I thought I was crazy. That I had this condition that made me do horrible things without acknowledging it. I lost the will to live because of that! I hurt so many people and-' She stopped. She was crying now. 'I packed my things and ran. I tried to get my shit together. Decided to become a doctor, to help people. To be useful for once...' 'But this isn't your fault...' Sirius sighed. 'I know he's going to come for me sooner or later. He doesn't need me now. Meanwhile, I'm just trying to erase all of this from my past, you understand?' 'But surely, you want to fight these people, don't you?' Sirius said, stepping in front of her. He started to untie her. It didn't seem fair to hold her against her will after all she told him. He believed her. 'Thank you' she whispered, massaging her sore wrists. 'I would love to destroy them, Sirius. But I don't have the strength to do so. I don't have the knowledge.' 'Let me show you how then. Fight with us!' She smiled. 'Maybe some other time.'

[forgottenghosty]

I Was Attacked By A Customer In Walmart Today.

So why you ask?

I went to look at clothing with my mom due to the tax free weekend going on. I’d been avoiding even going to a Walmart for months due to being triggered when I went in them for the longest time ( I would have anxiety and panic attacks).

So I gave in to go cause Target didn’t have anything.

I always love to look at the men’s shirts and such cause I love graphic tees. I got Marvel ones in the past and such. I also wanted to see if they had a pair of Jack Skellington PJ Pants that I got years back but Baxter had ripped them. Long shot in the dark, but worth a try.

Well I get to the men’s and notice two young guys acting oddly. I try to shake it off as I walk past to look at the tees. Only got odder that they were staring at me and looking around as if watching out for people watching.

Biggest thing though, one of them had their pants unzipped and un buttoned in the aisle as if they were trying the pants on right there. He looks at me as I past and I him and I’m thinking that’s not cool. He should be using a changing room.

So I walk on to find the pjs bottoms and see an employee and tell her that a pair of guys are acting odd over a couple of aisles and what I saw and that I don’t know what they are doing.

She thanked me and went to look and talk to another employee. I myself still haven’t found the pjs bottoms in the men’s and make an oval back and run into the guys again, and now they are wearing whole different pants that look too new, aka creased as if just bought and not dirty. They keep pulling up these nice pants as if they don’t fit.

I’m like okay that is very weird. As I go back towards where I saw the employee to keep looking for the pj bottoms I run into her talking with another employee and they’re talking about calling the cops. You’re taught not to confront but call help as an employee of Walmart, I remember that when I worked at one shortly.

They see me and ask me about it again and I tell the story again and then add about the pant change and oddity. They head that way and I point out where they had been exactly seeing they moved on. I pointed it out, told them what I saw and such. Like when the one guy tried pants on in the aisle the jeans had been lane across the aisle hangers and such.

So she begins to lead and talk to me to find help when we unknowingly pass the aisle with the guys. We cringe and try to keep going but I don’t know how, but this lad comes charging from the aisle and points at me angrily saying, “what are you accusing my son of!” I’m shocked and confused, but it clicks she must have either heard, saw, or was told by the boys cause we never confronted the woman.

I go into panic mood, and I look to the employee and she at me, so my brain screams start playing dumb cause this lady looks like she’s ready to punch you. I go, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She just thrashes at me verbally attacking me saying, “you know! Say it!” The very nice employee is trying to defuse the situation by asking her what is wrong and how she could help.

Angry lady just snaps at her, “this isn’t about you, this is about her.” And keeps going at me, saying I’m accusing her son and I got to fess up. I keep saying I don’t know what she means and speaking in a calm low voice.

She then starts saying, “yes you do! You’ve been circling around!” I honestly say, “I was looking for pj bottoms.” She then struck back, “Why you even in the men’s? You don’t look like a man, are you?!” I’m a young woman and I just got so offended and said very calmly, “I like to wear things from here. I enjoy wearing Marvel and Nightmare Before Christmas. I have the right to wear what I want.”

She just more upset cause now there are more employees watching and the woman helping me goes over to talk to them. Angry lady sees this and starts raising her voice, “see that! You’re causing a scene!”

Not once have I yelled, cursed, or said anything offensive to her and she’s saying I’m causing all this. She then keeps trying to make me confess and own up to accusing her son for something and is cursing at me saying I should mind my own F***ing business.

I’m starting to tear up cause of all this when my mom appears, “what’s going on here?” She said in the kindest soft tone. I turn and see her and break down even more as the angry lady turns on her, “this is none of your business, this is between me and her!” “I’m her mother, what is going on?” “She knows!”

It keeps going like that until my mom says, “my daughter is on the autism spectrum, can you please be calm in telling me what is going on?” This is true, I am, but you’d have a hard time telling. And I’m officially shutting down like I do when emotional attacked.

The lady doesn’t stop, “then you should keep her by you and not have her wandering around!” And so on. She was basically making me sound like I’m unable to think and should be treated like an animal on a leash. I was so offended but I was bawling too much to say anything.

Finally she seemed to back away and mom rushed me out of there. We ran into the employees, told them what just happened and that I used to work at a Walmart and was only trying to help. They were very kind and thanked me for trying to help. After, mom just dashed us out the door, me sobbing like crazy and chocking as he forgot anything about trying to shop.

As we left, we agreed after I calmed, that it was very damning the way she acted that she had to be guilty of something. You assume someone things your kids are up to something you don’t start accusing and pointing fingers. Especially if no one has said anything to you. It just screams guilty when you attack without anything being said.

So after being shook so bad, we went else where to get stuff.

Still shaky and it took hours to stop crying totally, but I think I’ll be alright. I’ve learned it’s not safe to try and be a good helper cause of crazy people like that. I only wanted to be of help. Started as pointing out a guy was changing pants in an aisle to almost getting physically attacked.

I’m seriously the kindest person I can be. I care about others before me more often then healthy and I treat others as I wish to be treated. I don’t lie, steal, or cheat people. If anything I hold doors open for as many people as I see coming out or in, even if I’m trying to get in or out of the building. I give money I find to the cashier and tell them someone dropped it. I try not to judge and be supportive. If I even accidentally offend or hurt someone I apologize and even end up crying cause I feel bad.

So you can see how this was alarming and very frightening for me.

[pronqz]

Hope (Remus)

You looked at your report with a completely sunken feeling. The word “fail” staring down at you like a disappointed mother, remind you of the pile of papers in your dorm room with the same blood-red spelling the same gut-wrenching word.  As soon as the bell rang you sprinted through the castle and up to the Gryffindor common room, slamming your bag on the floor and breaking down into a panic attack of tears. They streamed down your face and you although you could have sworn you’d cried as many tears as there is water in the Black Lake they seemed to just keep coming. Sinking into one of the squashy arm chairs you buried your head into your knees, your breathing rapid and uneven and your brain felt like a whirl wind tornado, destroying everything in sight. Your knees stuck to your chest and your face covered in splotches of tears was how Remus found you when he entered the room. ‘Y/n?!’ He said, immediately dropping his bag onto the floor and running towards you. ‘Hey, hey.’ He said softly, sinking beside you and wrapping his arm around you. ‘What’s up?’  You shook your head. Mostly because you didn’t want to tell him why you were crying and also because you couldn’t speak due to the water leaking from your eyes and you were breathing so hard that it was difficult to make any noise. ‘Just breathe.’ Remus said and you almost laughed because that was something you were doing a little bit too much at the time. If anything you needed to stop breathing for a second as it felt like your body was about to expand like a balloon from all the oxygen. However it did help and you took a few deep breaths before shaking your head once more. ‘It’s so dumb.’ You managed to say. ‘No it’s not.’ Remus replied without missing a beat.  ‘You don’t even know what it is, you can’t say that.’ You replied, wiping your face with your sleeve. ‘Well it’s obviously making you upset so it’s important. Please tell me.’  You swallowed hard and noticed your throat was a bit sore. ‘Okay.’ You croaked. You turned to him and opened your mouth when the portrait hole opened and an erruption of noise and chatter interrupted you. ‘Aye there he is, lads!’ James cried, walking into the common room with such swagger someone would assume that this was his childhood home. ‘We’ve been looking bloody everywhere for you two.’ Sirius said, ‘We thought you were getting it on in the bathroom-’  ‘Guys!’ Remus cried, ‘Can you get the hell out!’ The marauders stopped laughing. ‘Alright mate no need to yell.’ Peter said, pushing up his sleeves.  ‘We’re in the middle of something.’ Remus said, lowering his voice. ‘So get out. I’ll see you guys later.’ James, Sirius and Peter shrugged and picked up their stuff, ‘Whatever. Later.’ James said, shutting the door behind him, leaving you and Remus in quiet peace once more. ‘Sorry.’ Remus apologised. ‘What were you going to say?’ You smiled through the tears that were still falling down your face. ‘Um. I’ve -uh- been failing all of my papers.’ You said, which made you start to sob once more. ‘And I’ve just been trying so damn hard but nothing I do is working and it feels like life is falling apart piece by piece and I can’t do it anymore.’ You cried, looking away from Remus because through the tears you were embarrassed to be telling him this. ‘Hey don’t say that!’ Remus said, ‘School and assignments and grades don’t matter in the long run!’ ‘Yes they do-’ ‘No! They don’t.’ He said seriously. ‘Because you’re smart-yes you are!’ He said, seeing the look on your face. ‘And McGonagall and Dumbledore and every other teacher in this school will give you great references. I promise you. And before then, I’ll help you study. Heck, I’ll make a polyjuice potion and do all your tests for you.’ He cried, making you laugh. ‘But everything is okay, I promise you. You’ll get through school and in ten years from now you’ll look back on this and laugh.’ ‘You promise?’ You said, looking up at him. ‘I promise.’ He said, kissing you on the top of the head. ‘In ten years we’ll be sitting in a house with our twelve kids and farm and we’ll laugh so hard that tears will come. In fact in ten years you’ll look exactly as you do now.’ He said, referencing to your eyes which were still glassed over. ‘Twelve kids, huh?’ You said, sniffing. ‘More or less.’ Remus winked. ‘Thank you.’ You said, bringing back the serious tone. Remus nodded, kissing your forehead again. ‘It’s my job.’  A noise coming from the window made you both look towards in time to see a stone fly up and make the same noise as it collided with the glass. A few more and you sighed. ‘You should go, your men need their leader.’ You said.  ‘I am not their leader.’ Remus laughed.  ‘Yeah well where would they be without you?’  ‘Honestly it scares me to think about.’ He grinned. ‘But they can wait.’ He cuddled you into him. ‘I love you. You’re going to be okay.’ He whispered. You smiled, feeling your eyes well up again.  ‘Yeah I hope so.’ 

[firebunnylover]

Hannah Watches LOSH - Man of Tomorrow

This is my start on what will be a one episode-per-post re-watch and review/analysis of Legion of Superheroes. I am going to go through all the episodes of both seasons, and when I finish the show, I will also go into the comics afterward. I will try to aim for once a week at minimum, but that depends on school. The reviews will be made while I’m watching, with much pausing and commentary being made and screenshots being shown, and a final word at the end on both the episode overall and the characters.

I will also be comparing my view when I first saw the episode vs now. Also please keep in mind I did not start with the first episode when it aired. And these will all have my opinion alone, and if you have any feedback/comments you want to give, go ahead ^^

So, let’s start of with the first episode.

Man of Tomorrow

So we first get the preview of the Legion fighting the Fatal Five before cutting to Clark Kent during his last night in Smallville before going to Metropolis.

Watching this again, it struck me that Clark probably didn’t get the best support from his parents on the super power part.

What do I mean? Ma Kent said “Just please be careful. Remember Clark, your not like the rest of us.” Which he replies with “I know.” Now in the animated show most people are familiar with, the superpowers came into being around high school. But his parents seemed to have handled it rather well, as does Clark in the end, and he is given a device that has a message from his birth parents to give him an explanation. But here that’s not the case. I think it’s more likely that the parents were less ready to deal with superpowers, and god, given Clark didn’t know squat about Krypton as evident in the comics that tied into the show – will go into that eventually, who knows how well Clark was dealing with the powers when they first came up. Probably much worse than in the Superman animated series.

Speaking of parents, noticed that Pa was not in the episode. Where is he? Is he dead in this version? Ho geeze, adds to the stress the poor guy must be under.

And then we get our time bubble trio aka TBT: Brainiac 5, Saturn Girl, and Bouncing Boy. I wonder what the decision process was behind them. Which will be discussed in a bit.

Cutting back to the fair, we get more evidence of Clark not dealing the best way with his powers after a Jock taunts him and his physical abilities. He is getting ready to toss the ball, recalls Ma’s words. And god, the facial expressions now have the ability to pick apart my heart now.

Just. Ow.

And then comes the trope-tastic faulty Ferris wheel. I bet Grunkle Stan branched out to this fair.

And then we get back to the TBT. What do you mean food on a stick is not normal?! WHAT DO YOU DO FOR POPCICLES?! COTTON CANDY?! CANDY APPLES?!

Wait, how did he get that food? Was it samples? Or did the trio steal it?

I couldn’t help but snicker at Brainy’s and Saturn Girl’s expression at Bouncing Boy. Imma have to go with “stealing”

Also, what performance would the TBT be part of? I mean, I understand cosplay at a convention, but they look a little off the mark at the fair for me. But I would totally pay money to see that performance.

And it happens.

The beginning of what was one of the many triggers in many for shipping a gay ship.

When I first watched this show, I was in elementary. I was having some curiosity towards gay ships – I was in a very heavy weeabo state, and especially into CLAMP’s manga, which is filled with LGBT characters. I was also going through a bit of a religious phase, and my parents aren’t the most accepting people, especially back then. So I was scared by possibly shipping anything that wasn’t deemed right. I wouldn’t go bashing in public, but I wouldn’t confide with others. I wouldn’t really support the LGBT community until high school.

But now, I can fully appreciate the show and what it tried to do. The storyboards probably have more representation for the LGBT community by far, but still, I will take what I can get with this show… THAT’S A LIE I WANT THOSE STORYBOARDS.

Gotta appreciate the dramatic music that comes with the scene as well.

Look at those two concerned guardians.

Now back to Clark.

Given my earlier talk with him and his powers… THIS BOY MUST HAVE HAD A HEART ATTACK WHEN BOUNCING BOY SPOKE TO HIM. HE WAS CAUGHT. YET HE GOES “EVERYTHING IS FINE HERE,” AND PROCEEDS TO SWOOP IN WHEN THE THING STARTS TO FALL APART. KUDOS TO MY BOY IN HOLDING HIMSELF TOGETHER.

GRUNKLE STAN YOU HAVE A LOT OF EXPLAINING ON THE STATE OF THAT FERRIS WHEEL.

Saturn Girl, I don’t think now is the time for intros.

Pfft, BB is confused by this as well, to the point where his animation is a wee bit off.

And then he proceeds to walk behind Clark and… what’s the best word for this…

 WHAT A PRECIOUS FACE THAT FOLLOWS THAT SILLY BOING NOISE. AND THE WAY HE SAYS “help?” AFTERWARDS IS SO CUTE. EXPRESSIONS IN THIS EPISODE ARE SO GOOD.

I never realized how big Bouncing Boy could get.

Clark starts to nope out, and Saturn Girl said she did the same thing when she saw Bouncing Boy to do that as well.

And cue more internal panicking for Clark.

So, did Saturn Girl like did the whole fair a mind wipe, or just the guys who were witnesses?

More gayness, both sides.

And Clark has a gay panic.

Which will eventually turn into “I’m not Straight” in the future. I’ve been through that phase my boy.

Saturn Girl looks like a mom here, telling the kids to stop flirting atm.

Oh man, Clark asking them not to tell anyone about the super power thing. What a heart breaker.

“It’s okay. We know all about you.”

Wow, great conversation starter B5, totally not sounding like a stalker.

BRAINY WHY DID YOU CUT OFF BOUNCY?! JEALOUSY?! LOOK AT THESE GOSHDARN EXPRESSIONS.

Good job B5, weirded out your crush.

At least Saturn Girl knows saying “Coming to the future” sounds crazy.

“Clark!”

“Wait!”

Oof. My heart at his voice.

And Cool Mom has to step in.

He looks like a kicked dog at this frame.

Let us appreciate how immediately when Saturn Girl says “Let’s just give him some time,” the episodes is edited so that they show up in the kitchen at his house.

So Saturn Girl has a coffee mug, Bouncing Boy has pie, and nothing for the green child. Oh, and embarrassment for Clark.

Well, okay, B5 kinda looks like an angry kid who’s upset their BF is an hour late to the date.

And the introduction the do at the home seems to be much smoother at the fair. Think they did rehearsals waiting for Clark to get home? Did they switch out constantly? And how far did B5 take his crush with the rehearsals?

But Clark defiantly has a lot of self-doubt at the idea of him being a super hero. He uses his powers for good, but he definitely lacks the confidence that he’s good enough for it. He laughs it off at first, then seems a little angry and scared at how much they knew about his powers. Reminds me now of Yuuri Katsuri. And given how little confidence I have had in the last few years about myself, I can further appreciate him now than what I did back then.

Clark was very tempted in coming at “Come with us and you won’t have to hide them anymore.” It’s like getting a safe place to come out, finally, after years of being told that it’s safer to hide himself. Further more appreciative with time for me.

Wow, B5 looks so demanding here.

(Where did they keep that time bubble tho?? It just appeared out of nowhere?)

I kinda laughed at the part where Ma goes “Take a sweater!” then comes down stairs, confused at what he said. “Future?”

I like the atmosphere of New Metropolis in this show. Good use of complementary colors in this shot.

AND THANK ****ING GOD LOOK AT TRIPLICATE GIRL IN HD HER SKIN IS DARKER

I CRY BLOOD AT THE FACT THAT THE FACT SHE WAS SUPPOSE TO BE MUCH DARKER AND THEN SHE CAME OUT SO PALE IN SD QUALITY THANK GOD FOR HD

Granted the concept art of her gave her darker skin but SHE’S SO BEAUTIFUL WITH DARK SKIN

And here we have Queen Sinnamon Roll and Lighting Trash Baby, who PG proceeds to sass out with an eye roll and reality, and then has Trips back her up. Positive female friendships, that’s an instant gold star.

What a jealous baby, getting phased through and shoved aside. Thinking back to the jock we saw earlier, I find it interesting that Lightning Lad was made to fit that image on the first episode. Interesting move. Perhaps it was to show the character development as we went along?

The girls look so disappointed that the skinny Superman came out instead of some muscular guy. Personally, I prefer the skinny Superman design. Muscular guys just don’t seem as attractive to me as often. Might have something to do with that I find myself attracted to girls more often. But I love all girls, and buff girls are on the list of those I am weak for, so I’m just further confused. Maybe I just need another 10 years to figure this one out.

And when Lightning Lad proceeds to poke fun at B5 and Clark…

Brainy looks like a cat who is planning his demise. I had cats for a little over ten years. I know this look. Brainy is giving him the look that says he will murder him in his sleep. Painfully.

And then Lightning Lad proceeds to be a jerk, doing the last thing Clark needs: degrading him on his powers. After everything I talked about earlier, this hurts me in the hard. Trash Baby will be sent to the garbage pit as required.

We cut to the Superman museum, where Saturn Girl brings Clark to speed what’s going on, explaining who the Fatal Five are.

While watching this episode, I realized how much emotional support and guidance Saturn Girl provided for those in need – particularly B5 and Clark in this one. And she doesn’t seem to need to read their minds to figure out what they are feeling. So really, that is really thought provoking. Maybe she studied psychology or hosts therapy groups. In any case, it makes her far more interesting as a person.

I’m kind of interested to see what the military forces were like in this show’s universe, given that they were deemed not available for help against the Fatal Five. How restricted are they? Is there restrictions based on international laws? And as for the Science Police… well, I’m going to discuss that in a future episode.

Okay so tallying up the other legionnaires who were mentioned when the code red was sent out. Shrinking Violet was undercover, Colossal Boy is on Rawl (did I spell that right?), while Cosmic Boy, the leader, is at the outpost, where it is commented he won’t make it on time. Good god, they were spread thin. Just how much shit is going on elsewhere?! Just leave less than ten people at the HQ where one of the biggest problems will find them. NOT A PROBLEM AT ALL.

So the Fatal Five show up, and at least the police try to do something, but still get their asses kicked. A for effort.

And what does Clark do when confronted with his first Comic Villain fight? At first he seems like he’s running away. Leaving the Legion to get their butts kicked. But instead he’s getting the costume, and tries to fly. He’s taking a step forward to define himself as someone who can help. He’s becoming Superman.

But how did that costume just suddenly adjust to the tinier frame? Krypton Science?

And what about his hair? It changed too! It just popped out that signature curl!

Regarding the fight, there are several things I noticed: Triplicate Girl can be forcibly merged back into one singular being, and all three of her can carry Persuader and PG with the ax. Validus chased Bouncing Boy like a dog, which was kind of funny. Lightning Lad abandons his original opponent during fight to go help his teammates, and manages to resist for a while. And then he gave Superman tips in fighting. Saturn Girl is the first to break out of the control, and uses her powers to free the others. B5 has strong robot muscles (what’s the mechanical equivalent?)

Also, I think I should thank this episode for giving the idea of the ax for a weapon in the SU AU i work with, since she got to hold it several times in the episode.

Now regarding the villains, honestly the only one who I find of any interest is Emerald Empress. She was just so causal to Superman when she sees him in costume, and sounded disappointed at the small number of the people who came to confront her team, which gives her some character. Also, I heard somewhere that she is a lesbian. If anyone has a source that can confirm, I would appreciate it so much, cuz I need more queer ladies in my life.

Post fight, Lighting Lad says he knew Superman could do it, only to get the look from everyone. Karma much?

And we see sad Brainy when he says Superman has to go home.

But then Superman is the one who proposes he stays.

And as one last boot to the episode, Superman steals what Lightning Lad’s spot during flight with Brainy’s help. Continuing Karma on the trash baby.

So final thoughts on the episode overall.

It’s a good start the first season, definitely. But I feel there could be better execution. Like the first bit can get people to think that the fight happened before the Legion went to fetch Superman. Like only some of them managed to get away from the Fatal Five, and realize they need help in rescuing the rest of the Legion. That would be more interesting for a first episode, to me anyway.

Villains could have used more development.

Maybe seeing a bit more of the life back at Smallville would have been nice as well.

And how did that decision for the Time Bubble Trio/TBT go? I know B5 probably demanded to go, justifying he was the one who built the device. And wanted to see Superman first. But why Saturn Girl and Bouncing Boy? Did they draw stick, or was it based on the idea that they are probably the most responsible of the group? TELL ME~

But given what we got, I love it. The members of the legion are fun to watch, and it’s a good take on the younger Superman, and the interpretation I got out of the episode was so much deeper than what I got when I was younger.

And kudos out to the staff in trying to squeeze that gay stuff in.

Characters in this episode:

I really like Superman/Clark’s personality here. I can relate to it now better than how I did when I was younger. And now the experience seems like a parallel to finding a safe place to come out. Gold. Star.

Brainiac 5 was nice to see, crushing on Superman. We discover more of him personality wise later on, but it’s so good to see the gay game getting on this early.

Saturn Girl – god I love how she’s so emotionally aware of others in parts of this episode. This girl is definitely someone I would talk to during a hard time.

Lightning Lad… thank god for later character development. He’s a lovable brat here, but needs that character development stat.

Bouncing Boy is a delight. Such goodness in a person. An early-version of Hunk from Voltron. Good emotional support as well.

Seeing the sass that just oozes from Phantom Girl is a joy. My beautiful daughter.

And Triplicate Girl… THANK GOD YOU ARE NOT AS PALE HERE IN HD AS YOU WERE IN SD. I feel that we could have seen more of her and PG, but I really love how they got along in the HQ before the TBT got back.

The villains. Not much to say other than what I said about Empress earlier and that they needed development overall. Sorry.

Well, that’s all for this episode! Hope this was a good read for you all! lemme know if i should put any under a Read More bar.

[lesmotsdoux]

Navigating Emotional Abuse as a Young Adult

I guess I should’ve taken the hint when he sent me a screenshot of a tweet his ex-girlfriend made saying that he “ruined her” and proceeded to tell me she was crazy. I wish I knew what gaslighting was, but I didn’t.

I guess I should’ve taken the hint when he told me he stayed away from me when I was seventeen because he had “destroyed everything with every girl he’d ever been with and wanted to protect me”. I wish I should’ve known not to trust, but I did.

I don’t know when the realization of abusive behaviour became clear to me. Abuse can manifest itself in many ways, whether physically or not, and is not always as obvious as it may seem. In fact, it can very subtle. This is the kind of abuse that often sneaks up on you as you become more entrenched in the relationship. This is what is known as psychological, mental or emotional abuse. 

In the context of gendered violence, whether physically or psychologically, these behaviours, normalized and enacted through a culture of patriarchal dominance, often end with the abused internalizing the situation, and feeling as if what is happening in the relationship is their fault. Much of this I can relate to, and in my personal experience, this behaviour was displaced onto me in a very particular, but common way.

Maybe it was every time he spoke negatively of other women. Every time he called an ex “crazy”, “slut”, “bitch”, or “ugly” or every time he compared me to them. Maybe it was every time he coerced me into sleeping with him when we hung out because it was what we “both wanted”. Maybe it was when I stopped eating for him, when I would go into work every day crying hysterically because of our previous texts or hangouts, constantly inducing panic attacks, but not being able to leave him. Maybe it was all of these things, maybe it was more.

I remember all the Snapchats and Instagrams posted with her in which it was explained that they were “only friends” so I couldn’t get mad. I remember moving back to Toronto for him and a couple of weeks later, being lied to and cheated on for the first time. But the explanation for cheating being that it was my fault as I was too clingy and that I wasn’t allowed to get angry because I was never labeled ‘exclusive’ girlfriend, and you know, because “that’s just the way guys are” and especially since they were just friends. But I was so jealous! Looking back, this single experience embodies the effects an abusive person can have on an individual. From projecting forms of internalized misogyny onto me, to controlling me to stay with them, despite the disrespect, lies and manipulation. This is but a minor reflection of the experiences I was subjected to in my six months seeing this person. I haven’t seen them since June, and yet, I cannot forget the abuse. I cannot forget how much hurt I was subjected to, I cannot seem to move on from this experience, from all the blame displaced onto me, the invalidation and internalization of the situation because I am a ‘crazy, obsessive’ girl and so, since we were never even official boyfriend/girlfriend, how can I stay mad?

I will not go too into the specifics, because it is much more grave than this and there are many more elements to this story that I reserve for myself, but as I reflect on my experience, I remember the constant quest for validation and respect, through a form of co-dependence which simply did not exist and was never reciprocated. It is telling in the behaviours enacted upon me that I became a silenced and marginal version of myself, manipulated into a relationship stemming from the quest for power and domination, a result of his toxic masculinity. The only time I was validated was in moments of sexual intimacy. The only time I felt deserving of recognition as a person was when I was submissive to this person. Sexual coercion? Yes. Manipulation? Yes. I just didn’t realize it, or maybe I just didn’t want to see it. It becomes more complicated in that this was the first person I had ever seen seriously, the first person I had been with that lasted more than a couple of months. And so, it becomes increasingly harder to deny that the person you love could ever hurt you, or is doing these things intentionally. In him, I saw an image of perfection, and I guess as the classic saying goes; “love is blind.” Yes. I guess when you’re in love you forgive, you forget, you internalize, you want to fix things, you want them to work, no matter how toxic. Because “love is love” and when you feel it that must mean something right?

No. Hurting the ones you love goes against the basic foundations of love. Although this sentiment seemed to be reciprocated, love is not abusive, love should not be a fight. Love is about respecting the individual, which was never the case.

I still remember the day he told me he loved me clearly, I remember it being the happiest day of my entire summer, only for him to post a Snapchat of him on a date the next day with the second person I was cheated on with, all this in the span of two months back in Toronto. Fast forward, I see on Facebook; ___ is in a relationship with ___. No explanation, no mention of her as I was in his bed the week before. After this public declaration of a relationship, he simply stopped answering my texts, no conversation, nothing. He just stopped talking to me. Even though we were still together when they were. He silenced me when I was with him, by neglecting my constant feelings of hurt and disrespecting me during, and he silenced me even more after the fact. Constantly competing for love and attention by pinning me against other women only for it to mean nothing. All the emotional labour, all the energy I put in was never good enough, because to him I was never pretty enough, too crazy, too clingy, just a ‘meaningless rebound’, and after all, as he puts it; we were just ‘sleeping together’ and so this behaviour has been justified.

I first started expressing my feelings of abuse and my experience with this individual through my poetry, here, on Tumblr. I referred to him as my ex. But it was constantly reinforced that I wasn’t allowed to call him my ex because he never called me that, and that me writing about him was ‘crazy’ and embarrassing and that I wasn’t allowed to be hurt because I was the slut, the one who misinterpreted everything because it never meant anything to him. For someone who was just his ‘sex object’ who was used to get over his previous ex, did it really then make sense for him and other people involved to go on a social media harassment party against me? Especially since he “never cared about me”? Some of the tweets directed directly at me, following a poem I posted included; “You sound pretty bitter over a female when you’re still trying to get at her man though”. Or “Not your ex boo lol. Feelings weren’t mutual. Go back to your barn.” Or even; “You look like a Kardashian. She looks like a horse.”

I have been open about my experience of emotional abuse, sexual coercion, assault and manipulation by this individual. And as I express this, I have further seen the effects of misogyny and internalized misogyny, displaced onto other women in his life. I have been able to overlook this and work through it, but unfortunately, not every person is able to unpack this type of conditioning. Evident in this narrative is not only a sense of internalized misogyny but of the evident abuse, lying, manipulation and constant pining of women against each other for him to feel dominant and in power. 

The reality is, as a result of this treatment, I on multiple occasions, urged him to stay away from me and leave me alone for my own sense of safety and mental health. I guess in me calling him out and holding him accountable, or at least trying to make him recognize the harm he had done and caused me- since I am the first woman he has been with to do so, and somewhat subvert this power dynamic- he lad to lie about me. To, in whatever way, try to the maintain the little power he still had over me. To lie about me, to tell people I wouldn't leave him alone, that I was SO desperate for his attention, that I was a slut, that I slept with him (or tried to) the day he asked his current partner to be his girlfriend, (funny because I later found out the day he asked her to be his girlfriend was the day he told me he was going for ice-cream with some “hip school friends” and invited me over to sleep with him that night, to which I subsequently said no)... all that was said about me was just so completely untrue and all just minor instances of trying to rally together a group of people inherent on silencing the one person who wouldn't stand for this type of behaviour.

It is just confusing as I am exiting a toxic relationship, trying to explain my feelings of hurt from someone who told me they cared for me, to be lied about over and over again and be so powerless in the explanation of this situation as his words hold so much more power over mine, a result of the systemic nature of the patriarchal structures in which we live.

Then it all makes sense, the constant pinning me against other women to fight for him in order for him to control, manipulate and maintain his power. The constant misogynist rhetoric that spewed for his mouth every conversation we ever had. The insecurity, the hatred of women…

He is 21 and has been in 7 longterm relationships since he was 15 that have all ended because he has cheated on all of them but it seems it has always been the woman’s fault because they’ve all gotten too comfortable around him and of course, because they have all been crazy. And me? I am the worst. I am the worst because I am the first one to say no. The first one to make him think of his actions, and the first one to walk away, to have power over him. But the constant antagonizing, stalking, i.e; (lurking on all my social media, me blocking him on social media because he was abusive, him finding out and blocking me back to try and maintain power, having him blocked and him still trying to find ways to traumatize me through using our mutual friend’s social media, finding out our mutual friend was visiting me and booking a trip the exact same weekend in the exact same place with his current girlfriend), the silencing, the lies, all of this simply for explaining how I feel.

This is not okay and emblematic of abusive behaviour. He is a pathological liar, on top of exemplifying a multitude of psychopathic and sociopathic behaviour, with no remorse for what he has done, not just to me, but to any woman he has been with.

This person is insecure, this person is cruel and continues to be for no reason other than his fragile masculinity. Despite it all, I have never done a single thing to him. I know to have been one of the kindest, most caring and giving people he has been with. But a woman calling him out is apparently “too much to handle” and thus justification for these actions. Accountability, responsibility and respect are foreign concepts to this individual.

At this point in my young adult life, I am tired of being blamed and victimized for something that isn't my fault, or for feeling crazy for simply, feeling. Again, abuse can manifest itself in many ways and may be incredibly difficult to recognize until you are physically or emotionally separate from the situation and even then, it may take months to forget or forgive, or months of therapy and unpacking to feel okay again. It is a constant process. It is work. My experience with emotional abuse is not a singular experience. I have first hand experienced the effects of emotional manipulation, sexual coercion, gaslighting and invalidation. The residual effects of this abuse have manifested themselves in severe PTSD, anxiety and depression. I’m getting better, and every day it hurts less and less and I forget him, slowly, but nevertheless these are things I am constantly trying to overcome, but it is not possible unless I express what I feel and am open with my experience.

Unfortunately, under the dominant hetero-patriarchal social climate, it becomes increasingly harder for women to speak out against their abusers. The serious effects of gaslighting constructs narratives which invalidate and silence the abused. Interlocking structures of domination continue to work against both men and women who internalize and deny the effects of their experiences as a result of constant invalidation and silencing. I refuse to feel guilty or be complicit in forgiving the behaviours of an abuser and not holding him accountable for them.

Just because I am 19 and have never been in a serious committed relationship does not mean I, or anyone else, is too young or old to experience this type of behaviour. It is inherent that we work through unpacking both sides of this spectrum, through the normalization of toxic masculinity, misogyny, internalized misogyny, silencing, victim blaming, etc… We must create better discourses inherent on working through these things and naming the signs of abuse before they are taken too far. Silencing enacted through misogyny of this kind has become normalized both in my personal and online life but is not normal. We must continue to work against it to create safer spaces and relationships built on respect.

[banginhosbitxh]

Reunion and Rejoice (1D imagine)

Requested by SrushtiSri12 my new-found Directioner friend! Hope you like it!_________________________________________ It was far from midnight, and I was crying my eyes out. After all, my so-called 'bestie' had just dumped me that afternoon. I sat there in The Crimson Cafe, my hideout, with a gaping hole in my empty heart. This feeling was the worst! I had no idea how to deal with a freshly-shattering break-up.... So I just did what I always do when I am too happy or too sad: plug in earphones - music player - One Direction Playlist! My support system, my idols, my reason for happiness, my life, all of my existence summed up in two words : ONE DIRECTION_________________________ "Where do broken hearts go?" When Zayn said that, I just burst out crying... "Shadows come with the pain that you're running from..." Oh, Harry... I listened to a few ten more of their songs and simultaneously deleted the album titled "Bae and Me :)" from my gallery. Then, I stared at the wallpaper of Zayn winking at me, and smiled. He's always there for me. They're always there for me. My boys. Five, no wait, four. Zayn, why??! ___________________________________________ My sister called, "Srushti, are you coming home or not? Ma's waiting for you for dinner. Please come quick, she's furious!" Before I could reply, she cut the call. Ma was worried. I had to go home. So I got up and drove home. It was a deserted road, just like my heart was. I reached home at 12 and Ma gave me a lecture about being home early. Then I ate half of my food half-heartedly and went to my bedroom. I listened to a few more 1D tracks and wept, Ma and Sissy banging the door, worried. I shouted, "Leave me alone! I am sleepy!" ___________________****____________________ I woke up from my painful and incomplete sleep, and felt like the wounds were still fresh. I ignored the pangs of pain and got ready for my college. In case you don't know, I study Arts and Literature at the Emerald Farms School in London. I have no idea what I was gonna tell my mother about last night's bad behavior, so I just decided to avoid talking to her. I got to the breakfast table, had a few bread slices with peanut butter and was sipping some coffee when my mother asked me, " Break-up? I know, no fault of yours.... He was crap, blah-blah, right? Honestly, you don't have to justify. I checked your phone. And you know what dear? He doesn't suit you! That bloke was garbage! Gimme a hug, and we'll settle this?" She spread her arms and I ran into them. This was the best feeling! Ma understood me better than I did. All mothers do. She patted my hair and let me go. I bid her goodbye and said the same to my sister. Another day at school! Phew. This was gonna be hectic! I reached school and went into the locker room. There was an air of excitement all around, and I had no clue why. All I had to learn was how to ignore him and move on. So, I moved out of the happy locker room with my books and headed to class. Just then, I felt a hand on my shoulder. Bugger alert! It was Roger, the stinking-rich school bully, whose hobby and sole aim in life was to hit as many boys and tease as many girls as possible. He made that wicked crooked smiling face at me, and I knew what was coming. He said, "Movie tonight, babe? You seem too poor to afford your own tickets.... Umm, lemme see... Ah! You just got dumped right? Who was that?" He looked around and found that bloke near the Debate Club Room. He called out, " Hey you! Loser! You left her, that's bad for you, but good for me, cuz now I can have her!" He lifted his arms to touch me, but that bloke didn't even look like he knew I was here! Angry with him and Rascal Roger, I kicked his stomach which made him fall back. The anger pulsated and turned me into a savage monster, as I hit and kicked him, spat at him, punched him and used my limbs to madly injure him. Just then, I heard someone clapping from afar. As I overcame the urge to keep hitting, a warm touch spread through my back. I turned to see who it was, and almost died with the Shock! It was.... It was.... It was.... Zayn. Javadd. Malik! Zayn! Zayn? Zayn....... Really? Was I awake? He stood there smiling at me, and I was feeling so attacked. He nudged my shoulder and I came alive! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ___________________________________________ He said, "Whoa!!! Easy, girl, easy! Great fighting there! But why you tryin to kill 'im? Yeah?!" I struggled to speak, I was breathless, panting and out of this mortal world. I felt like staring at his heavenly eyes for the rest of my existence, but I managed to say, "He tried to mis... misbeh-ave with me. That is why I... I hit him. Can I ask you some-um-some-thing?" He nodded, a twinkle I would die for alive in his eyes. I muttered, "Are you.. r..r...r-e-a-l? Is this real?" He cracked up laughing and I was brought to life a millionth time, by him that is. This had to be a dream. He said, "I am completely flesh and bones. You could see for yourself." He touched my hand and brushed it on his palm briefly. I felt sparks of excitement and mania tingle through my spine. This was real. He said, "Am I real now?" I nodded and he said, "I have a gig to do here. Please tell me where the auditorium is!" I said, "Can I please have.. Your.. Your...autograph?" He smiled, "Lead me there, and we can take a selfie, yeah?" I nodded so hard, that I cracked my neck. We walked a few steps and then he asked, "What's your name? I must say you hit pretty good!" I stammered, "Forgive me, Zayn. It's like a d..dream come true for me to see you so close up. I'n acting weird cuz I can't handle the feels! My name is Srushti... My neigbours call me Shush, you can call me anything you like." My hair flew into my face with the wind blowing hard on them. With a smile, Zayn plucked a stray lock of hair behind my ear! Aaarrgghhh! I am gonna die! I felt murmurs and stares around me, almost collapsing. The school was looking at us! Oh my! I blushed and we walked on. The Audi Room was already full and locked. The last time it had been decked up and filled was when HomeTown had performed at our school. I told Zayn that was the Audi. He thanked me so I sadly replied with a 'Goodbye' and turned to leave. Then, he freaking held my left wrist and said, " Come in with me! I wanna talk to you some more! Oh fish! I am gettin' nervous... I think I am gonna panic now.. These stage stows get to me so bad..." He let go of my wrist and I turned to face him. Unable to contain myself, I foolishly asked, "Can I get a hug?" He chuckled, "Yeah, sure! I think I need one too!" His touch and warmth instantly soothed me in a way that nothing could have. There was no one around. I hugged back smiling away the salty tears on my cheeks. This was simply the BEST feeling in the world. After what seemed like a minute, he withdrew from the hug and said, " C'mon! Let's get in! My manager'll be waitin' for meh!" I said, "What about the selfie?" He said, "After the show, okay love?" WHAT IN THE NAME OF HEAVEN'S PRETTY FACE WAS THAT?! 'Love'?!?!?!?! Oh my gosh! I nodded, bewildered. So this is what heaven feels like... Zayn used the doorknob to get to the backstage room, and we were literally BLOWN away by what we saw there! There were Paul Higgins, Lou Teasdale and Sandy Beales... Zayn's eyes widened. And then, we saw them. The one, the only, the best, the invincibly amazing ONE DIRECTION! ___________________________________________ I choked and gulped! I had no idea what in the name of Satan was going on in my life! I got paranoid and collapsed on the floor right away!! Shit! •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Splash! A few violent drops of water woke me up. When I opened my eyes, Zayn, Niall, Harry, Liam and Louis were standing next to me, and I was lying on a sofa. Paul asked, "You okay, Miss?" I got up slowly and nodded. All the boys, all my boys, all FIVE of them, together! They were looking at me with worry. I smiled and said, " I am fine! No worries! Just got a sun stroke... uh.. Sorry..." At that precise moment, Niall burst out laughing. I straightened up. Niall's laugh gives me life. They all do. He said, "Sunstroke, eh? Fan attack, more like.." His Irish accent is heavenly. I smiled foolishly. Then, Zayn said, "Thank God you're okay, Shush! Now, all of you get out so I can get ready for my performance...! Malay?! Where you at, Bro?!" Louis said, with bloodshot eyes, "We're here to perform! Modest got us a gig here! So you get out!" Zayn retorted, "Still wagging tails for Modest, are we? I see, you haven't aged a bit since I left you guys!" Harry smiled and said, "Neither have you!" "And Louis, congrats on that freakingly adorable baby. Daddy duties, I reckon?", said Zayn with a playful smile. Louis hardened up, but his fake stiffness and anger soon ceased. Both Louis and Zayn simultaneously walked and hugged. Harry clapped, Liam laughed and Niall said, "Attaboy!" He hugged them individually and then turned to me. "Keep this private, will you? I don't want the fans to get wrong ideas." I nodded assertively and said, "Trust me!" They all sat down around me, with Liam and Louis sitting on chairs. Liam said to Zayn, "Nice hair, mate!" Zayn smiled and replied, "Nicer Girlfriend you got!" Liam blushed, and Louis said, "So you got into RCA records? How different is it from Modest?!" Zayn shifted uncomfortably and said, "Good, I guess. But they're different altogether. How's life been, lads?" Harry said, "My movie premiers on July 21, 2017. Louis' son's gonna turn one." Niall said, "My new album's out next year! Have you heard This Town yet?" Zayn nodded and said, "Great vibes, bud! Cool!" They all looked at me and smiled. "Lucky fan! Gets to see us bond again. We had to meet, sooner or later, in the Irish Court... Well, this is fine though.." Harry bit his lip after saying this and Louis agreed. "How's your book coming, Malik?" Zayn flexed his eyebrows and smirked, "Malik!? You've changed!" "So have you. Master of all wisdom...huh!" Zayn laughed and I did too. My heart was somewhere in between melting and exploding. I blurted out, "Zayn, tell them about your anxiety attacks, please" I immediately regretted saying so. Zayn frowned at me. I knew I'd hurt his ego infront of his ex-bandmates but I just couldn't resist. He said to Liam, "I've been having panic issues lately... Can't get used to performin' alone, I guess. I can manage though...." Louis snorted, "Who chose to be solo? Whose fault was it? Stop cribbing for what you've already done and move ahead." Niall clicked his tongue in sympathy and said to Zayn, "Any help, we're here for ya mate!" Harry nodded but Louis held a strict face. "I am not. He's no one to me. Wounds don't heal so well for me." Zayn said, "We're not the same anymore. We're all grown up and rich. So I don't expect you to support me. But just stop with the 'wounds' and stuff! You know I have my own opinion!" I stared at them all, and detecting an upcoming fight, I said "I love you all as you are! You guys are my life! I am one of the millions of fans out there who live for you, love you and cry for you. We're all a family. We've got a whole lotta history, remember? We cried, laughed, danced, sang and smiled with you! You five, I repeat, FIVE, are legends together! Please boys! Please! For heavens' sake, please regroup! Please come back!!! The fandom needs you! I need you! We all need you! Please Zayn! Please Niall! Please Harry! Please Liam! Please Louis! I know you may think I am crazy, but please listen to me. I don't care what people say when you're together! I just want you five back! Please Zayn!" I took a breath and choked. Tears escaped and I coughed, stammering and breathing with difficulty. This was it! I couldn't do more! Zayn got closer to me on the sofa and rubbed my back, soothing and setting my soul on fire. The others all took turns to hug me, pat my back and smiled at me. After I had calmed down, Liam said, "I don't know if I should say this, but we miss you too, Zayn. We may act like we don't give a damn, but we need you too. I know you complete us. We were meant to be together. Shush has a point." Louis smiled and added, "Agreed. Your anxiety issues are cuz you haven't got us there. If we could just get back, it would make the fans alive and proud. What say, Haz?" "Yeah. If one fan can nearly cry her eyes out just to talk to us as a five-piece, imagine what all the other fans could do to see us together again. True. Zayn?" Zayn stood silently, thinking and listening hard. Niall put his arm around Zayn's shoulder and shook him, saying "We need you, mate!" Zayn looked down, smiled to the ground and said, "Alright! I'm calling Simon to tell him I am coming back!" I shrieked with joy and jumped on the sofa. Paul, who was keenly watching all this, clapped and said, "We've got our DJ Malik back!" All the staff members and musicians rejoiced, while the boys did a group hug. Just then, our Principal came there and asked, "What's happening here? Aren't you gonna start the show, boys? Oh Mr. Malik, I am sorry but we forgot to notify you about the postponement of your concert to next week. I regret the inconvenience, truly." Zayn smiled and replied, "I'm rejoining the band. So we might as well play together. Come on, boys! Let's smash it!" My jaws hurt with the longest and widest smile I'd ever forced them to make. Tears flushing and cheeks blushing, I cleared my throat, "Boys, could I get a selfie?" They all readily aligned themselves to the camera and we clicked a hundred pictures. Candid ones too. Then, Liam said to Zayn, "Ready to Run, mate?" Together they stood in a circle, as always, and did their famous pre-concert cheer-up-clap, "3...2...1... We push!" I said along with them. ___________________________________________ My dream had come true! For all I knew, my life could not have got better! 🎵I'll be coming, back for you, back for you, back for you🎵 🎶🎶🎶1D🎶🎶🎶 I hope you enjoyed it, Shush! If you did, then don't forget to vote, comment and share! I shall await more requests! Until then, Love you, Goodbye!

[askmyboys]

Anthony and Grayson

Warning before you read! TWs: nothing directly is mentioned but i will say there’s heavy undertones of some kinda physical abuse, death mentioned as well, alcohol mentions, panic/anxiety attack mentions, and tbh deep topics n bad shit in general so if any of this kinda stuff bothers you i don’t recommend reading bout em

The lads are NOT alright here :/

| Names: Anthony and Grayson

| Nicknames: Ant/Anth (there is a certain thing he could be called but, you might trigger something for him then but aha I’ll go ahead n drop what it was… ‘My precious little flower’) and for Grayson, they only have one nickname people could call them, its Gray ofc- but there was o n e particular person that called them Grays but now that brings up b a d memories and r e g r e t s :)

| Gender: Anthony goes by he/him and they/them! and Grayson just goes by he/him

| Ages: Both their ages are N/A

| Heights: Anthony is 5’3” and Grayson is 6’7”

| Species/Race: Anthony’s a human and technically Grayson is but he’s got superhuman powers, he- well, Gray would NEVER call himself a superhero again not after the horrible thing he did ...but I won’t spoil what that is yet

| Occupation: Anthony actually owns a flower shop in the Luxport City and Grayson is technically unemployed but trust me- in his days of superheroing he made a good enough amount to not worry.

| Hair Colors: Ant’s hair is an auburn color and it’s a very messy curly undercut and Grayson dyed his hair black and it’s a mess- more messy than Ant’s ever could be- its like he barely combs it (its curly but god its a r a t nest of hair)

| Eye Colors: Anth’s left eye is a light and soft brown color meanwhile the right eye is clouded over, he can’t see too much out of that eye so he usually wears an eyepatch with a sunflower for the design on it and Grayson’s eye color used to be a near legit Sparkling Sapphire Blue but now its just dull and ironically enough gray (he’s also got REALLY bad dark circles under his eyes as well as them being pretty damn bloodshot like he barely sleeps anymore)

| Skin Colors/Body Types: Ant is extremely pale- like GHOSTLY pale actually, he looks fucking d e a d in that regard- he’s also pretty skinny too- not to the point where it looks like its harmful but he’s just a skinny lad- and Grayson’s pale too but not AS bad as Ant is and his body type is fairly average- no muscular body or anything really, just, average.

| Appearances: Before I get into details, Ant doesn’t really have a circle beard while Grayson does- alrighty- so let’s start off with good ol’ Anthony! He wears a long sleeved yellow and white striped sweater along with yellow pajama pants that have MANY flower designs over it, he wears blue jean overalls with a Coreopsis flower design on the pocket in the middle, he also wears light up yellow and white sneakers with flower designs all over it as well, he has a good few scars but most of them are covered by his clothes BUT…

There are two special markings that always seems new- it never fades- it’s ALWAYS that god awful red color- One over his right eye and then one on the right side of his cheek, it's in the shape of a fist actually but Ant seems to have no memory of it whatsoever, he doesn’t even seem bothered by it- it doesn’t hurt him, hell- he doesn’t even know what the mark is anyways! So it doesn’t matter! If it doesn’t hurt him or cause him any trouble/health issues then it's whatever! Another thing he has, he has a bandaid over the bridge of his nose- ofc its yellow and has all kinds of flower designs on it and even though most of his other non prominent scars/markings are hidden by his clothing just for another smaller detail- he has a LOT of those bandaids over them actually, he likes the feeling of bandaids in general, it feels comforting to him.

| Personality: Grayson used to be pretty strict, righteous, stern, and all those fun things- He used to be everything a Hero SHOULD be both inside and out, and even though he was pretty strict and stern with a lot of things he still had an aura of sweetness, kindness, caring, and compassion to him, he used to be so protective of everyone- There wasn’t a mean bone in his body to be honest even if sometimes his strictness and stern attitude could make him seem a bit harsh- he tried not to be TOO bad, he really did actually- He never wanted anyone to be afraid of him and he still doesn’t- but now? His attitude has changed entirely, he’s not strict nor stern nor even righteous anymore- He’s not a fucking hero, don’t even DARE call him that anymore- Nobody but him knows what happened that night… As of now he’s MUCH more reserved and quiet, not caring about anything/anyone ESPECIALLY not himself, he doesn’t even take good care of himself anymore, he’s very obviously depressed, anxious like ALL the time, hasn’t slept good in god knows how long.

He looks like he’s even haunted by something actually, he hardly EVER leaves his own home or well- might as well call it a Lair, and call him a Villain at this point- He fucking HATES himself entirely inside and outside and wishes he could just disappear and not exist anymore, he hates that people still remember him being a Hero, even though he hasn’t done anything heroic in a long time- The people still thank him, they still love him, and he h a t e s it- he wishes they’d hate HIM too… He has a pretty bad drinking problem as well too, drinking is the only way he can get to sleep at night anymore, it’s either that or on the WORST of nights he needs something like Melatonin to help him pass out, crying himself to sleep never helps anymore he’s worn that out- People do still worry about him too- but he always tells them it's nothing to worry themselves about (the reason people still love n cherish him, he did specify he was retiring and there are other heroes out there to defend them, they won’t hold no ill will against him ...Well, unless they find out his dirty little secrets eheh…)

Finally, Grayson can be VERY defensive and hostile sounding toward certain topics, if certain words are mentioned, etc- but only hostile with words/empty threats, he’ll never raise his fist again unless it’s toward himself…  it's best to just leave him alone ...and let him r o t…

Now onto Anthony! Anthony was and always will be a sweet summer child (he is an adult tho, they both are I’m just piss poor at Math and cant figure out proper ages n dumb shit) he’s got a heart of pure gold, he’s caring, kind, as sweet as can be, loving, and childish- now his childish nature can be both a pro and a con (must’ve been a con for Grays then h u h? ...Oops, I'm saying too much now but at this point I’m fairly certain you can piece together that they're tied in with each other somehow) his naivety and gullibleness can get him into serious trouble if he’s not careful… Ant hates it when someone gets angry at him or yells at him he starts going into a panic but that’s not what REALLY gets a panic/anxiety attack going for him, now if somebody raised their fist at him that’s when he literally screams bloody murder and he’ll probs trip and fall back into the nearest corner he can he’s NEVER a loud person, always soft spoken and so kind sounding but in this situation he’s screaming so loudly- screaming apologies and a name he doesn’t even know (he doesn’t know a person named that particular name! Or maybe its just his memory but i’ll get to that in a second)

He’ll scream and scream until his throat gets so raw and sore or his voice LITERALLY gives out on him and even then at that point he’ll probably faint, beforehand though- if he hasn’t fainted- (even if his voice winds up giving out) he’ll start flailing if the person who raised their fist at him starts coming closer, he’ll flail just to make sure he can keep them away- The next day though after he sleeps, he seems fine- he doesn’t even seem like he remembers that or anything that happened, maybe it’s him blocking it from his memory (lemme say, the lil accident that happened oh so long ago, he didn’t block it out himself, it was FORCED out of his head) he does seem to claim he has bad memory with certain things but he’s confident with his names and people he knows, he never forgets a face that comes into his life! (...or so he thinks) honestly? If you ask me personally, granted, I AM the creator of these boys- it’s best if he doesn’t EVER remember, with how he reacts to something as I stated back up there, god knows what’ll happen if he EVER gets that tossed back into his memory.

| Side Facts: Anthony’s a bit hard to really describe in the regards of life and death, it's like he’s in the mixture of both- except minus anything zombie like- no god awful smell of death, no decay on his body or anything exposed- just his skin being a deathly pale color but nobody seems to really question it- So I really can’t say he’s dead nor alive, he’s literally in the middle of both- He just doesn’t even know it, he’s just living normally really- Running his precious little flow- … His flower shop, he LOVES flowers- he always had back when, well- ya know- And before the accident happened as well- (I’ve decided I’m not explaining that in full detail yet, I really wanna write that story out actually, but uh anyone who ACTUALLY wants is free to theorize) Anthony loves all flowers really but if he had to pick, his top three favorites would be: The Bittersweet flower, Daisies, and finally ironically enough Forget-Me-Not flowers.

Working with flowers and everything plant wise in general really helps him feel at ease because even though I didn’t mention it, deep down he can get kinda stressed a lil easily, he does feel anxious a lot and he doesn’t even know why, sometimes anxiety just hits him like a brick but just gently running his fingers over a flower or plant seems to help keep him grounded.

He also loves music as well and he’ll sometimes sing to the plants and flowers, never for anybody else though- he’s too embarrassed to sing in front of anyone actual person, you know though, sometimes- even tho Ant can’t remember- sometimes he does feel something at the back of his mind, like there’s something important that he’s forgotten or forgetting- It’s why he sometimes writes his thoughts and certain things down but even then- Even when he’s done everything he wrote down, he still feels something but just doesn’t know what it is, and at this point he’s just learned to ignore it, whatever it is- surely if it was something THAT important he would have never forgotten in the first place.

I should also say Grayson doesn’t live in Luxport City anymore, ever since that one day he moved far away from there (so no, Gray n Ant have no contact and honestly, well- even tho Gray remembers Ant EXTREMELY well he doesn’t know he’s,, well… “alive” he doesn't know he’s walking around but it's for the best, these two should never come in contact with each other- god knows what’d happen) but now, Grayson- unlike Ant is HORRIBLY miserable likewise, he has nothing he does but sit in his den all day- he only goes out when ABSOLUTELY necessary- to buy some food or alcohol mostly, he doesn’t know why he buys himself food- he doesn’t deserve to eat anything- after all he DOES wanna rot away- his guilt and regret at this point is eating away at him- it’s probably going to be his downfall one day tbh.

Even though he does want everyone to hate him or something like that, he DOESN’T… necessarily want them finding out the horrible truth, he doesn’t necessarily want his secret to be exposed, he’s so scared of it being found out ...but ya know, that’s ONE good thing I can say about Gray here, he doesn’t keep trying to uphold a hero act, he doesn’t keep trying to be a hero- he coulda just went on and continued trying to be righteous and teach right from wrongs, etc- He coulda kept being a Hero but he hasn’t, and he fucking hates that word being used to describe himself, so that’s one nice thing and the only nice thing I can say about him.