#kyanka

[teal-sharky]

So anyone noticed that Elon accepting the martial arts duel REALLY sets him up for an incredibly fast speed run of Lowtax, right? I'm personally incredibly stoked for the finale

[gothicprep]

having a friendship fall apart is always an incredibly painful experience. i knew this was coming for a while, since i noticed he was getting into lefty qanon level shit, but that information doesn't make it any easier.

i can't entirely avoid him due to proximity reasons, but it just sucks how every time i need to deal with him, he's seething pure rage. i know it's an alarmist thing to say, but this reminds me so much of someone in their twilight years developing an altzheimer's condition. he has a hair trigger now when he didn't use to and his memory has gone to shit. there's a part of me that wants to encourage him to see a doctor, but i know he'll just fucking yell at me if i say that.

[comicsansstein]

Vriskinnie said a few weeks ago that Rich Kyanka warged himself into Elon after his death, and

I'll be damned

[quasi-normalcy]

Sometimes I randomly remember the time that Uwe Boll, a trained boxer, challenged Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka of Something Awful to a boxing match for criticizing his movies and then proceeded to beat the shit out of him

[arconinternet]

Something Is Awful (Website/Hoax, Richard Kyanka/Dr. David Thorpe/Kevin Pereira/Chris Putnam, 2005)

When a writer for notorious comedy website Something Awful got a TV interview on G4's Attack of the Show, the website's owner instructed him to prevent people joining the site as a result by making it seem terrible... and to give the wrong URL, which led to a phony site, which you can view on the Wayback Machine here.

You can watch the interview here, and read a little about its history in a contemporary NeoGAF forum thread here.

You can learn a LOT more about Something Awful from the podcast I'm From the Internet.

[canceltheham]

"I'm obviously not a visionary, but I predicted that the internet would be shitty back in 1999. Everybody was talking about how the internet was going to revolutionize everything and everything was going to be great, but nobody ever talked about how shitty the internet could also be." --Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka

[sabakos]

In 2006, Kyanka accepted Uwe Boll's challenge to a boxing match, which Boll had issued to all his online critics. The match took place on September 23 in Vancouver; Boll knocked Kyanka out in less than two minutes.

Hey y'know Uwe Boll is still alive I'm sure he'd be up for a rematch against someone looking to follow in Lowtax's footsteps.

[zooterchet]

Spider-Man:

Online Arrests Filed, through "Glamour Girl":

1996: Andrew Wachowski, "nil".

1997: Carrie-Anne Moss, "Damn-Yankee".

1998: Brian Monaghan, "qwerty".

1999: Keanu Reeves, "Howie".

2000: Rich Kyanka, "Toggan".

2001: Anthony Weiner, "Betty".

2002: Larry Wachowski, "Apathy".

2003: Hugh Jackman, "Ghul".

2004: Sayed Adnan, "Petula".

Hannibal Rising:

Michael Charlebois: "Cain", a spy's accountant, out of "Chutzpah", a political artist.

Alice O'Neill: "Kilpatrick", a female spy, out of "U'Niall", a spy's slaver.

Kenny Winston: "Weinstein", a Gentile's banker, out of "Cromwell", a German fire fighter.

Ryan Taylor: "Gaylord", a Buddhist assassin, out of "Polk", an optometrist.

Katie Stevens: "Stevenson", a Jamaican drug runner, out of "Alexander", a Macedonian inventor.

Matthew Lennox: "Satan", a Jewish king, out of "Nigger", a Parisian actor's mother to Scipio Africanus.

John Remby: "Roosevelt", a poverty demanded leader, out of "Alexander", a Macedonian inventor.

Pasquale Acosta: "Ibn Rashid", a Medina Arab, out of "Princeps", a Central Powers mercenary.

William Morgan: "Davis", a Southern cotton obsessive, out of "Hamilton", a treasurer's informant's officer.

Mark Salib: "Harding", a munitions developer, out of "Gilgamesh", a sugar salesman.

Cassie-Leigh Stock: "Donalban", a Puerto Rican Aryan, out of "Gould", a fascist writer for Francisco Franco.

Alexandra Gaetano: "Crowley", an Irish priest, out of "Brian", the victim of Christ.

Jenna Williamson: "Bundy", a Canadian spy, out of "Booth", a Mossad hired assassin.

Zach Savell: "Morales", a firefighter's inventor, out of "Aragorn", the first cowboy.

Maureen Harrison: "Harrison", a poisoner artist Gadze, out of "Cornwallace", a disgraced general.

Jen McDade: "Aensley", a British banker, out of "Lemerise", a British cop family.

Jeremy Stevens: "Mosley", a Group Force Leader, out of "Oswald", a British undercover agent.

Raven Bush: "Desperado", a Comanche Sheriff, out of "Joseph", a defeated Greek.

David Cohen: "Adolph", a German Turkish spy, out of "Ataturk", a cigarettes salesman.

Nicholas Maynard: "Hayes", a patent swindler, out of "Bourbon", a female transgender.

Allison Haimes: "Chi Minh", a CIA undercover, out of "The Duke of York", a professional British knife fighter.

Greg Connolly: "Visser", an Afrikaans Irish, out of "Lan Ray", a Boer Holocaust victim.

Brian Monaghan: "Myers", a KGB Ireland, out of "Carnegie", a Scottish Knight.

Ivan Tomasic: "Dahmer", a professional first strike mutually assured destruction pilot, out of "Ljudovich", an Austrian Black Shirt.

Christopher Sweeney: "Sween", a Black Baron Schultzstaffel, out of "Washington", a Romalian Boelyn.

Joshua Moen: "Van Zant", a professional raconteur assassin, out of "Chaucer", a Knight's Guard.

Bernice Lamb: "De Salvo", a Nietzschean Ubermensch, out of "Panzram", a sculptor author.

Joshua Golden: "Eshkol", an intelligence programs founder, out of "Mosaic", a Hittite Prince.

Uma Thurman: "Magnusdotter", a bodybuilder assassin, out of "Catherine", a surmised monarch.

Joseph Biden: "Capone", a police officer criminal, out of "James of Scotland", a legal reformer.

Lloyd Ahlquist: "Agnew", a Rabbinical entomologist, out of "Bin Laden", a prison convicts manager.

Will Ferrell: "Adams", a carnival's lover, out of "Pedro II", a harbormaster.

Joseph Kennedy III: "Kenway", a pork meats distributor, out of "Kennedy", a Tepes, a cannibal.

Star Wars Episode 1-3:

Leadership:

"Duo": Shaun Wilcox, Hawaiian Coastal Engineer, US Navy Japan.

"Libra": James Holmes, DC Comics Development, Mossad Counter-Bay Station.

"Leo": Jeffrey Lange, Cleveland Rotary Association, Finance and Debitures Apartment.

Duo:

"Blueberry": Police code on APB scanner, to catch "ranger patrols", off cented Mounted and Royal Mounted sections (Canadian-German, Protestant Universalist).

"WTC Location Grab": Profiling of Osama Bin Laden, three days after 9/11, to DC Comics Location and Transition Wards, Mossad Afghanistan; Tora Bora Prison Complex.

"San Andreas": Capture of Toris Nelby, British Co Anchor Author, "Crack Underground"; while in live transit of threat of CIA agent Peter Tsapatsaris, "Nails", posing as "Peebo" on internet as fraud of Russian-Jewry infiltrating CIA Annex Three; Winchester Frauds, IDF Biotech Experiments. Toris Nelby, "Peebo", detained and "destroyed", by fired rounds, from Eric Frein.

Libra:

"British Exemplar": Takeover of Japan by Warerra Party, masquerading Clone Wars film, recently released, by "Lucas Arts", as actual factual plan of attack; Pearl Harbor, as represented by "Kleinmen", Rohypnol dealers for Mossad.

"Gutwill Five": Seizure of criminal resources and allies of Framingham Narcotics, rogue Israeli Defense Forces section of Massachusetts cops, out of Jewish gangsters in Ohio; biker gangs, Canadian Freemasons.

Leo:

"Assassin's Creed": Creation of Assassin's Creed concept, as alternative to parents pamphlets to place children in Mossad underground as "Moslems" or "Mussulman".

"Guantanamo Live Range Agent": Use of third degree interrogator's training from mother's Marine NCO doctor, "Glen", to hunt his killers inside INTERPOL's top ranks; Gwenn Pratt, John Washburne, Steven Charlebois, Brian Monaghan, Alexandra Gaetano, and John Kerry.

"Philips Freemasons of Boston": Stage point of removal of Ted Bundy catchem code, to take over Boston Triads for FBI and State Police, through Cyber Command aegis helix on Los Angeles Police Department server scans; return of Chinese to American policing, as FBI informants and cover agents, against rising tide of Taiwanese nationalism; unions and Russian-Jewish consortiums of film and media logic.

"Pinkville": The strike on the Hell's Angels as a capture turn of the Canadian Freemasons for operating criminal ventures in factories, sports leagues, and boarding schools, to turn children into slaves and writers and prison convicts; the French and British Freemasonic attempt to undo Bill Clinton's peace for labor, athletics, and prison inmates.

"Hideous Karl": Use of Jack Unterweger's serial killer profile, tying a necktie for a business meeting, taught by Scoutmasters in male and female scout troops, for any career or American act, to pen research work for Christopher Nolan, MGM, and FOX.

"The Steroids Scandal": Outing American-Japanese pharmaceuticals, and MI-6 doctors, for selling performance enhancing steroids, Suboxone, for decades, under different brands and claim of brands; the public lawsuit against Dr. Joshua Golden, of United Health Associates, by the Attorney General of Massachusetts, Maura Healey.

"The Kennedy Campaign": Legalized marijuana, certified safe and non-sprayed by tree surgeons elected by towns, free from media myth presented on Holland and British telecasts, or by journalist work by High Times magazines authors. Held under tax stamps, through the State Police.

"Spiral": The culmination of three decades of work, as an NSA, from kindergarten to the mid-thirties, in the takedowns of INTERPOL, On Leong Tong, the Unitarian Church, and MI-6. The culmination of years of experience, placed in two blog reformatories, "Lex Luthor and the Sudbury Boys", and "Spiral - The Batman Killer", the prior academic references, the latter actual career references. The shutdown of the "United Nations Security Council", by planting a forged work on American Marxism from 2003, from an economics business professor at UMass-Amherst, Gerald Friedman, through the actual United Nations; published independently overseas, by those dependent on the United Nations as an American CIA entity; falsely framed as MI-6. The same NSA trick, used on Stephen Glass, a Vatican affiliated lawyer out of the Italian government's Nortel structure.

Spiral:

Joshua Moen: Keep the President's secret about Raven Bush getting stoned, or Cam Hollopeter marries your wife. But you don't have a wife, you're in love with Superman. Not Batman.

Method: Men's writing and literature styles, conflict terms of endearment in imago transformation.

Keanu Reeves: Clear Ben Brown of raping Raven Bush, or place yourself in perpetuity of your film, "The Matrix 1", being owned by the Crown Government.

Method: RTS counselor first sight response, however on public Majesty's review in Court.

Jenna Williamson: Place wired testimony through VFW, and accept your draft into the United States photographic corps unit for an upcoming military conflict.

Method: Coverage of the USS Cole bombing, being varied into a "K", the "Kierney" Amish mark on Marlboro cigarettes.

Ben Brown: Admit into economics program despite not earning a valedictorian's GPA through gymnastic and academic marks in highschool, or a military tour on apprenticeship to warrant officer status.

Method: US Presidential merits and statuses of badge, passed, during freshman year orientation.

Matthew Lennox: Separation from Raven Bush, under her alias, "Silver Laventi", at UMass-Amherst; attempting to engage for Elks Club, the Drake family, to remove from David's vicinity and allow him to take a law career for the Winchester CIA undercover in Israeli biotech medical testing on "Goyim", humans that have done DXM.

Method: Interjection through a Coen, the "Chutzpah" family, and placement of Raven inside the German underground as a medical advisor.

Peter Tsapatsaris: Outing that the name and alias used, is false, linking instead to a black drug dealer murdered on the MUSH.

Method: Interpreting with the actual alias, as the individual being extorted by the claimed name, out of Brian Monaghan's connection to NEWS Harvard, the studio print for the Boston Herald.

Brett Norman: Moving between ExSec operations controller, Andre Berube, after being recruited for role, and a permanent incarceration in Pembroke, watched by Steven "The Rifle" Flemmi.

Method: Placement in Pembroke military ward facility, to remove Rhode Island judge in league with Israeli Medical Authority.

The Matrix:

British Commonwealth (UK) Positions:

Boris Yeltsin: Claim, working through America for economic reestablishment.

Elie Wiesel: Claim, working to prevent anti-Semitism in United States.

Stan Lee: Claim, working in an MI-6 brand to teach police morals.

Queen Elizabeth II: Claim, defending British Isles against Adolf Hitler's traditions.

George W. Bush Jr.: Claim, Shriner's Freemasonic Lodge of England.

Federal Republic of Germany (FRG) Roles:

Boris Yeltsin: National Rifle Association.

Elie Wiesel: Romalian Federation.

Stan Lee: Hitler Youth.

Queen Elizabeth II: Catholic-Sepulchre Jewish Orthodoxy.

George W. Bush Jr.: Kaiser's Lodge.

[haymarketvtubestuff]

Considering how much Elon Musk and Matt Mullenweg are just wealthier versions of Richard Kyanka, why don't the both of them just 100% emulate him already?

[viralarcadian]

kind of says something about mr photographic that he knows who byron looper is but not richard kyanka

[teal-sharky]

Monkey paw I once again ask of you to ensure that another social media CEO's Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka arc progresses all the way to its rightful conclusion.

[bolbianddolanhouse]

BNHA self insert AU [Book 4]

Catch up here! 1 2 3

Chapter 8: That’s Not How You Eat a Banana

Hanaka’s freak out caused a whole lot of hassle for her and Tensei. The staff had to go all hands-on deck to keep things peaceful to appease the mother of the twins (aka the school’s biggest donor and contributor). It’s not looking too good for the twins.

-Lunchtime, at school-

“Hey, you girls go ahead” said Hanaka to her friends “I’m just gonna-”

“What’s wrong? Are you feeling sick?” asked Petti “You always want to have lunch.”

“Yeah! I even brought those strawberry Koalas Nya!” Kyanka presented the colorful box of snacks in her paws “Your favorite!”

Hanaka eyed the snacks “Thanks but I’m just not feeling myself today.”

Twinkle gasped “What did that school counselor tell you?!” she furrowed her brow “Because if he said something bad, I’m going to-”

“Guys it’s not what the school counselor said” Hanaka waved her arms to dismiss any escalation of anger “I’ve just doing too much talking to people this week. I need some quiet time with no talking.”

The girls looked at each other with worry, Hanaka was usually the high energy one and seeing her so worn down like this was concerning.

“Okay, you go have your alone time” assured Petti “We’ll see you later.”

The other two nodded, making Hanaka feel a little better.

“Thanks guys” sighed Hanaka in relief “see you later.”

The girls waited for Hanaka to turn the corner that led to the stairs for them to scurry off to the roof top. They sorta had the same idea to spy from afar to make sure their friend was okay. The girls have been worried about Hanaka since the freak out a few days ago and wished they could do more to help. 

“Nya! Good thing I got my multi-use googles today!” Kyanka said as they pulled out her support tool out of her bag “Could use the practice before the license exam.”

“Girl isn’t that after the training camp?” Twinkle asked as she tried to scope out Hanaka in the courtyard.

“Wait, didn’t sensei say that was pushed for after the licensing?” Petti was trying to recall “No wait, that doesn’t make sense.”

The girls were trying to remember meanwhile Hanaka strolled near the mindfulness garden. She really hasn’t had the chance to see what it was all about other than that her mom got this built when she made her first big donation many years before she had kids. 

“Mindfulness Garden, built to give students a place to reflect and heal mentally. Bulit in honor of Intelligence alumni Agent 19, CEO of Robodog Inc and Inner Circle agent of the Emperor’s Coup.” Hanaka read the plaque at the entrance of the garden “Huh, I forget that mom is an agent. What a girlboss!”

She makes her way into the garden and sits under the willow tree that’s tucked in a more secluded part of the garden. Bringing her knees up to her chest, lunch bag set next to them, they give a large inhale and exhale into a heaving sob. God, they were so mentally exhausted! They didn’t want to talk about their feelings or performance in school to teachers or counselors anymore! And they don’t want to burden their friends with their feelings. With things at home being limited to basically talking to their dad that doesn’t know the meaning of being so mentally tired, Hanaka feels so alone. She could wait until their mom is done with her company stuff, but she wants her now, not a week from now! Her boiling hot tears flow out of her tired, little eyes. Tears so hot that they sizzle upon contact. 

“What do you see?” asked Petti to Kyanka, trying to toggle the settings

“Nya hold on! I’m trying to find the right setting, but the buttons are too small!”

“Just use your nail Kya” suggested Twinkle.

Kyanka groaned “My daddy made me file them down because I was snagging on everything in the house” she flexed her paw to show the other two “I can’t do shit with just my beans!”

“Yeesh! Here I’ll click through for you” Petti grunted “Tell me when.”

“Okay!.....NYAH!” Kyanka signaled “Where did you lose her Twinkle?”

Twinkle pointed toward the garden “Over there, she went under those trees and I’m not sure where she went after.”

“How are you going to see through the trees?” asked Petti

“These googles come with a heat seeking setting” Kyanka looked toward the area “And since Hanaka radiates high heat, she’ll show up as bright white on my thing.”

“Wow look at you kitty girl! Having the braincell today!” praised Twinkle 

“FOUND HER! Wait, nya?”

“What is it?” asked Petti and Twinkle

“Well I found her but theres another thing I’m picking up, nya” Kyanka was trying to explain “Another, person? Thing? Person shaped thing?”

“What’s got you confused?” Petti was trying to piece what Kyanka was seeing.

Kyanka pursed her lips in concentration “Like, why is this thing pitch black? Like it’s made out of the coldest ice ever. And it’s...moving around? So it’s not an ice sculpture, nya.”

Twinkle gasped “Hanaka’s direct opposite?! What are the chances!”

Meanwhile, Hanaka wasn’t aware that she wasn’t alone until she hears a very soft but close by “Damn!”

That startled her out of her thoughts, looking around to see who was there. But she didn’t see anyone next to her, maybe somebody was behind the tree? She crawled to peer behind the trunk of the tree, at first there was nobody there but in a blink of an eye, suddenly appeared a male uniform with a presumably invisible person in it. Hanaka flinched in fear but didn’t want to look away out of curiosity, she’s never met an invisible person before! Even though she couldn’t see their face, she felt their eyes on them.

“I- um, I-I-I” the invisible person stammered, like they just got caught.

Hanaka wasn’t sure why they were acting like that but then noticed the spilt soy sauce on the knee of their pants.

“Ah! Here, I have a detergent stick” Hanaka reached into her bag to pull out a pen detergent stick “I eat really messy too, don’t worry.”

The person was hesitant to reach for the pen she offered but slowly leaned over to grab it “Th-thank you” they said in the same soft voice.

Hanaka looked on as they removed their stain “Oh uhhh, I’m-”

“You’re Hanaka R. Iida, Hero course student in 1A” the person finished her sentence “I know who you are.”

“Whoa, how do you know my name and class?”

“I um, I studied you closely- NOT IN A PERVY WAY!” they clarified in a panic “I mean, I’m a business student here. I’m Tenten Chuubei, class 1A. The business course has us predict trends on things like top students or who’s more likely to be a top hero or sidekick.”

“Oh, cool! I didn’t know the business course did that” Hanaka was even more intrigued now “Say, I’ve never met anyone with your quirk! How does it work?”

“Huh? You’re curious about me?”

Hanaka nodded eagerly.

“Well, I have three quirks, according to the registry here” the person explained “I have invisibility, clairvoyance and sheer cold.”

Hanaka gasped “Cold?! I’m a fire user!”

“I was kind of hoping we’d never cross paths for you to see me like this” Tenten sighed as they recapped the pen “Don’t think you can-”

“Can I shake your hand with my hand at max heat?”

“Huh?” Tenten was confused as hell

“I’ve never experienced the cold before, and it doesn’t snow where I’ve lived my entire life” Hanaka stuck her hand out “I’d love to see how it feels.”

Tenten looked Hanaka’s hand and gulped hard “Now that I think about it, I’ve never felt warmth” he reached out his hand slowly “I’m curious too.”

Even though Hanaka can’t see his hand, she certainly felt it when his fingertips touched her palm. Their hands fell into the handshake position, but they didn’t do the shaking part because they were too focused on the new sensation. They didn’t know how long they were holding hands or how the other was feeling, all that Hanaka could do is give a big dumb grin and wide eyes. 

“Why the hell are they just holding hands?” Petti squawked “I just know she convinced them to hold hands, Hanaka always wants to touch things with they’re quirk related.”

“Hm? I didn’t take Hanaka for the curious type” commented Twinkle as they munched on the abandoned Koala snacks “How do you know?”

“Nya, she asked me what I was hiding my mittens when I was the new kid in preschool” Kyanka clapped her paws “She said my paws were cool and would poke my beans. And we were friends since!”

Petti groaned “When we were babies, Hanaka would collect my feathers when I was preening or molted” she lifted the back of her feathers on the base of her neck “She burned me on the neck when we were toddlers when she tried to put my feathers back on when I molted. I like to say she branded me as her friend at that point.”

“Nya, I have mine too on my wrist!”

Twinkle gasped excitedly “Wow! When will I get my friendship branding?!”

The two branded friends looked at each other, then at their unbranded friend.

“You don’t wanna, those burns were painful as hell!”

“Humph! I just want a friendship thing!” whined Twinkle, crossing their arms “Bracelets are so cliche! I want to get branded!”

Back to Hanaka, only 5 minutes has passed in the hand holding position, but the boy was starting to feel a bit weirded out.

“Alright, erm” he spoke as he loosened his grip.

“Hm? OH!” Hanaka quickly let go at his hint “That was nice! So that’s how being cold feels like.”

The boy was looking at his hand “Yea, nice...Like I was going to, melt? Turn into water?”

“Do you have lunch here every day?” blurted Hanaka “Can I join you again?”

“Erm, I come here to hide” said the boy meekly, making himself invisible again “I gotta go.”

“WAIT!” Hanaka bolted up but it was for nothing, he ran off and she couldn’t see him. 

Now Hanaka wants to get to know Tenten and become friends. She was excited to tell her friends that she experienced cold for the first time. But the others already had an idea of what happened.

After School, walking to the nurse’s office

“YOU WHAT?!” yelled Hanaka

The girls winced at the outburst.

“We were concerned for you!” Petti defended “We gave you the space.”

“Nya! I didn’t say that we knew who that was or what was said” Kyanka crossed her arms “It was just predictable and surprising that the one time you want to be alone is the time you find your direct opposite.”

Twinkle was pouty and slowly inching their hand toward Hanaka “If you’re mad, you can take it out on me.”

Petti and Kyanka slowly lowered their friend’s hand away, making them more pouty. 

“ANYWAYS! Who was the person?” asked Petti “are they nice? Bitchy?”

“Are they pretty?! What class are they in?” asked Kyanka “I don’t think there’s an ice user in the B class next to us.”

Hanaka raised an eyebrow and recalled “Hm, actually. They’re an invisible quirk user with 2 other quirks. And they’re a boy in the Business course.”

The three girls gasped and eyes widened.

“A boy?! You held hands with a boy?!” screamed Twinkle before Kyanka shoved a paw in her mouth to silence her.

Hanaka looked at her hand and fully processed what she said to Tenten earlier. Once it clicked she turned red and set the top of her head on fire. 

“Oh my god why did I do that?!” panicked Hanaka, hands on her cheeks “I’ve never talked to a boy that wasn’t my siblings’ friends! I was just curious! Oh geez what if he thinks I was flirting with him?!”

The squak were in hysterics right outside the nurse’s office, thankfully nurse Eri put a stop to it before anything caught on fire. The girls calmed down and got the band aid for Twinkle before leaving. Hanaka was very bothered by this realization but didn’t really know how to express it or explain it. She just went straight to her room once she got home, no words exchanged to her twin or dad. She even forgot to lock her door! That’s how bothered she was.

“Hanaka? You want a snack?” her dad asked carefully before opening her door a bit wider “We just got our shipment of hot chips, mom got your favorites.”

She looked over to her dad in the doorway with a bag of Exxtra Hot Cheetos. No words were spoken, just her holding her hands out with the grabby hands.

Her dad sat at the foot of the bed and waited to see if Hanaka wanted to talk about what’s bothering her as she popped the chip bag open. Hanaka just crunched, unable to find the words but just a singular sigh.

“Ah, so you talked to the opposite sex and your friends/classmates are teasing/shocked about it and you’re not sure how to feel about it because you’ve never talked like that and wonder if they took it the wrong way but you just wanted to make a friend.”

Hanaka stopped mid crunch “What the- how did you?”

Their dad chuckled “That’s what happened to me when I held your mom’s hands for the first time when they told me their secret” he reminisced “I told my brother when I got home and my classmates saw me from the third floor window hold her hands. I was embarrassed and unsure about my feelings, because I wanted to be friends with her. But at the same time I developed feelings that never truly went away.”

Hanaka turned red again, as bright as the cheetos she was snacking on.

“It’s okay to feel like this, you don’t need to figure it out right away” their dad opened his arms for a hug “take your time, you just met this boy right? Who knows! He might make a really good friend.”

Hanaka threw herself into her dad's arms for the hug “Thanks dad.”

He embraced her “Anytime Hanaka. Just take my advice, if you do find yourself that you like this boy: Don’t wait, just tell him you like him. You might regret it if you don’t say anything.”

“Is that what happened to you?”

“Yes and if I wasn’t just a denier of my feelings, I would’ve confessed 2nd year and married the day we were 20 years old.” he sighed and held his daughter tighter “But then you and your siblings wouldn’t exist! And I very much love you all.” 

“Dad, are you crying?”

“....yes” he croaked “I just really love my little family and all my children are growing up so fast! It’s like last week you were crawling for the first time and now you’re talking to boys! I’ll blink and you’ll be married!”

“Dad! I don’t know if I even like this boy!” Hanaka tried to squirm herself out of her dad’s embrace “let me go you big sappy fool!”

“No, because if I let you go” her father didn’t budge “you’ll grow up! Stay little just a bit longer please.”

Hanaka stopped resisting and pondered on what her father said, almost in defeat. 

“Fine, no promises that I won’t be a little taller tomorrow tho!”

-Later that night, before bedtime-

There was a knock on Tensei’s door

“Go away Rosa”

“STUPIDO TENSEI YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WANT!”

Tensei sighed and unlocked the door anyways “Que quieres?”

Hanaka barged in and front flipped onto her twin’s bed, almost missing the edge of the mattress. She turns to properly face Tensei.

“I have to tell you many things twin brother.”

“Uh huh? That’s why you come in to stand higher than me?” Tensei smirked as he sat at his desk chair “Pues? What do you need to tell me gemela?”

Hanaka takes a deep breath “Okay, first off! I’m sorry for letting my rage get the best of me at school.” She did a tiny hop on the bed “Secondly, I know I’ve been a shitty twin and dragging you into all my drama but I know it’s because I depend too much on you fixing things.” She did a slightly bigger hop, just enough to get the bounce back of the mattress “Thirdly, but not leastly-”

“Those aren’t words”

“Shut up! I’m trying to made amends with you!” Hanaka huffed as she did another hop “What I mean is that, I need your help with something not school related.”

“Oh? You’ve piqued my interest!” Tensei leaned in with his elbows on his knees, holding his chin “Continue.”

Hanaka carefully sat down on bed, leaning toward her twin “I uhhhh, I need help talking to this person I just met today.”

“Who are they?”

Hanaka gets shy “It’s a boy in the business class. BEFORE YOU TEASE ME! I want your help with talking with boys.”

Tensei gives his twin a look “You need help talking to this boy? Why, you like him or something?”

“I don’t know!” she threw herself back, laying perfectly on Tensei’s freshly fluffed pillow “I talked to him and since the only non-family boys I’ve talked to are your friends and the children of our parents’ friends, I literally don’t know if I said something that sounds like I’m flirting with him or it’s friendly.” 

“Ay Rosa, talking to boys is so simple” sighed Tensei, folding his arms “Boys wear their emotions on their face.”

“Okay but what if he has an invisibility quirk and he doesn’t show his face in the first place?”

Tensei blinked and put a hand on his chin “Damn, I didn’t consider that, what the fuck Rosa?!”

“You see why I’m freaking out?!” Hanaka groaned “Help me Tensei! I promise to help you out with talking to girls!”

“Fine I’ll help, the offer won’t be needed” Tensei gave in “tell me about your interactions and I’ll say if that was friendly or not.”

“Yay! You’re the best twin ever!” Hanaka sat up quickly with her arms out “The offer will be on the table, just in case.”

Before Tensei could say anything, the robo-dog trotted into the room.

“Children, it’s 10:11pm on a school night” the robo-dog displayed a count down “You have T-minus 90 seconds to get to bed with lights off before I alert your mother.”

The timer starts ticking down

“Run Hanaka! Mama is letting dad chose the punishment this time!” cried out Tensei.

“Aw FUCK!” Hanaka ran with no quirk at high speed to her room. Not wanting to fuck around and find out this time.

The robo turns to Tensei, making him yelp and jump into bed “Goodnight doggy!”

“Goodnight Tensei” The robo starts trotting out the room, turning off the light “Sweet dreams, your mother returns tomorrow in the afternoon.”

Tensei waited until the door closed to breathe out “God that thing scares me! Why the fuck is that thing the reason for my family’s wealth?”

-Chapter 8 End-

<Previous - Next>

[lowtaxsa]

My Quarantine Adventures: From Riches to Boiler Room

Greetings, fellow Ogsters! It's your old pal Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka here, broadcasting live from the boiler room of a Thai nail salon. You might be asking yourself how I, a once-proud captain of industry, wound up in such a peculiar living situation during the great quarantine. Well, buckle up, because it's been a rollercoaster of a journey, filled with twists, turns, and, of course, a healthy dose of Lowtaxian shenanigans! And let me tell you, if you thought living in a boiler room was a low point, just wait until you see what else I've been up to.

The beginning of my descent into boiler room living started when I lost the last of my money in a high-stakes online poker game. I had what I thought was an unbeatable hand—a full house, the kind of hand that would make a gambler's heart swell with pride. Unfortunately, my opponent somehow managed to pull a royal flush out of thin air. Now, I'm not saying they were cheating, but I've always been a bit suspicious of their avatar, which was a cat playing poker while wearing sunglasses. Regardless, I had to accept defeat, and with it, the departure of the last remnants of my fortune. I guess I should have known better than to trust a cat in sunglasses.

With no money to my name, I suddenly found myself in a precarious situation. Despite the nationwide renter protections in place, I was unceremoniously kicked out of my home. In retrospect, perhaps using my landlord's car as a makeshift barbecue pit wasn't the best idea, but hey, what's life without a few mistakes? I can't help but feel that the rules should have protected me, but I suppose they don't apply to guys like me who have a penchant for unintentionally wreaking havoc on other people's property. It's not like I was robbing banks or anything – just a little property damage for flavor.

Homeless and penniless, I found myself wandering the streets, my spirit unbowed despite my seemingly dire circumstances. I eventually stumbled upon a strip mall's Thai nail salon, where the kind-hearted owner, Mrs. Sukjai, took pity on me and allowed me to stay in her establishment's boiler room. In exchange for her generosity, I agreed to help out with odd jobs around the salon and promised not to scare away customers with my desperate attempts to make a quick buck. Easier said than done, as you'll soon see. I mean, a guy's gotta eat, right?

During my time at the strip mall, I tried my hand at various schemes, each more harebrained than the last, in an effort to con the local business owners. My first venture involved convincing the pet store owner that I had a rare breed of invisible dogs to sell. I was so close to sealing the deal when one of the "dogs" started "barking," revealing itself to be nothing more than a recording on my phone. The owner was far from amused, but I couldn't help but chuckle at my own ingenuity. You have to admit, invisible dogs would be pretty cool.

Refusing to be deterred by my initial failure, I moved on to my next scheme: selling "magic beans" to the owner of the organic grocery store. With a silver tongue, I promised that these beans would grow a beanstalk that would lead straight to a land filled with golden eggs. Of course, the beans were just ordinary legumes I had scavenged from a dumpster behind the store. The owner, unimpressed and clearly agitated by my ruse, threatened to call the police if I ever tried anything like that again. But I was undaunted, and my mischievous spirit remained unbroken. I mean, who wouldn't want a shot at some golden eggs? I thought it was a pretty good sales pitch, if I do say so myself.

It was then that I hatched my most ambitious plan yet: posing as a psychic and offering to read palms for the low, low price of $50 a pop. I had a small booth set up outside the nail salon, and business was booming! People lined up, eager to learn their futures from the mysterious and enigmatic "Lowtax the Mystic." I made up fortunes on the fly, weaving tales of fame, fortune, and true love. The more outlandish my predictions, the more my customers ate them up. I felt like the king of the strip mall, my financial woes a distant memory. That is, until a real psychic set up shop just a few doors down, offering free readings to anyone who would listen. Talk about a buzzkill.

As the crowds flocked to my competition, I was left to wallow in the bitter taste of defeat. But I wasn't about to go down without a fight! In a last-ditch effort to regain my clientele, I tried to sabotage the real psychic by dressing up as a ghost and "haunting" their booth. Unfortunately, my makeshift costume, which consisted of a bedsheet with crudely cut eyeholes, failed to convince anyone of my spectral status. To add insult to injury, the real psychic saw right through my ruse and publicly denounced me as a fraud. I slunk back to the boiler room, my dreams of psychic greatness dashed. Apparently, even the spirit world has standards.

Despite my many misadventures, I've learned quite a bit during my time in quarantine. While I may no longer possess the wealth and prestige I once did, I've gained something far more valuable: a newfound appreciation for the simple pleasures of life. Whether it's the warmth of a boiler room on a cold night or the camaraderie of my fellow strip mall denizens, I've discovered that sometimes it's the little things that make life worth living. Who knew a warm boiler and a cramped space could feel like home?

Well folks, the nightly seizures are starting - and I don't mean mine, I mean the entire strip mall collectively "seizing" up, by which I mean all the storefronts are closed and the mall security guards are out with their "Lowtax-whacking sticks." They're trying to get rid of me, but little do they know that I've become a master of the strip mall underworld. They'll never catch me! As I dodge their futile attempts to oust me from my boiler room haven, I can't help but reflect on the bizarre journey that has been my quarantine experience. It's like playing a real-life game of "Whack-a-Lowtax."

In the end, my quarantine journey has been one of personal growth and self-discovery, albeit with a generous helping of Lowtaxian antics along the way. I hope my tale of trials and tribulations has brought a smile to your face and perhaps even inspired you to find your own silver lining during these strange times. And who knows? With a bit of luck and a whole lot of cunning, I might just find my way back to the top once again, or at least secure a spot somewhere in the middle. After all, everyone loves a good comeback story, right?

[nerds-yearbook]

On August 19, 2010, Rifftrax hosted their 3rd live simulcast event. The main feature riffed was Reefer Madness, along with the shorts More Dangerous Than Dynamite, At Your Fingertips: Grasses, and Aesop's Sound Fables: Frozen Frolics. It also had some buffers that were animated stories narrated by young Lauren Kyanka (The Story of the Fairy Mermaid and The Story of the Glitter Doll). ("Rifftrax Live: Reefer Madness", Movie Event)

[fatgothgf]

ok despite my cold still having its grips in me i got a lot done today so im gonna list it out to make my brain feel like its more real

1. sorted thru all my clothes and made piles to throw out/donate and wash

2. tidied and vacuumed my room so it feels less like im still in the middle of cleaning it out

3. did a load of laundry of comfy clothes to wear around the house

4. measured and cut a piece of fabric to lengthen the shirt im making

5. showered and actually ate substantial meals

6. knocked off my discord notification anxiety and replied to messages ive been ignoring for weeks

like that's enough accomplishments for one day for a sick asshole who works from home and doesnt even have any weed to smoke (thc makes me productive rather than lazy bc my brain is broken)

[rootfish13]

Weird to now just find out my Twitter post was featured in an online article about Something Awful's creator dying.