#kinda taivan

[taivansupremacy]

Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep.

Summary: Van Palmer longs for love in more ways than one. (A look into Van's relationship with love pre-Taivan and pre-crash)

A/N: I decided to say fuck it and post this kinda as a warm up since I haven't written anything in a while and I'm more than likely very rusty. Not sure I'm gonna stick with this title. I can't decide if i like her. also!! I'm working on a Taivan 5 +1 things fic so that should be out soon. As usual, feedback is always appreciated!

Ever since she was a kid, Van was always on the outside of love. It started with her mother who loved alcohol and men she barely knew more than her own daughter. Van longed for the kind of motherly love the kids at school got. They had moms who wrote notes reminding them that they were loved and showed up to class parties and school performances. Why couldn’t she have that? She thought that it had something to do with her, that maybe she was the problem and even though she knows better now, some small part of her still thinks that’s true. 

She watches her teammates and all of her other classmates get asked to dances and hold hands in the hallway. Jackie and Shauna often shared details of dates they’d been on and the team often talked openly about their latest hookups and crushes. Van’s mouth stayed shut during those conversations. It wasn’t like she could contribute anyway. The pool of lesbians in Wiskayok was small, and on the off chance that someone had caught her eye, she couldn’t out herself by sharing her feelings with her teammates. So she stayed out of conversations about romance and crushes. She didn’t ask about dates or who liked who. She looked down into her soccer bag and pretended to fold the jersey and practice clothes that she kept inside when the topic was brought up by someone else, but she listened. How could she not? When they talk about their romantic excursions, there’s a lot of squealing and giggling. 

Van always longed for the kinds of connections and experiences her friends had. She knew that realistically she’d never get them, due to her lack of interest in men, but she was used to being let down in the love department, so she tried not to let it bother her too much. She pushed those feelings down when they threatened to bubble to the surface and she had her disappointment mostly under control. Then Taissa transferred to Wiskayok High and Van’s “control” was toast.

Van first saw Taissa in her English class in sophomore year. It was a random Wednesday in October and Taissa sat right up front in the middle row. Van noticed her immediately and admired her boldness. She took a seat in her usual seat, one row away from the very back and as class started, she noticed that Taissa’s boldness didn’t stop with her seat choices. Her hand shot up every chance it got and her analysis of the short story they were studying was so in depth and fleshed out, Van couldn’t help but wonder if she had read it before. She didn’t introduce herself to Taissa in clas, but they spoke during soccer practice that afternoon, and from there they only got closer. 

Van could only describe her friendship with Tai as strange. Everyone knew they were best friends, as they were attached at the hip every moment they could be and to everyone on the outside, they were typical best friends. What they didn’t know was that they shared their fair share of cuddles, mainly in Taissa’s room as they watched T.V., and hand holding under the lunch table where no one could see, or tucked away on the bus going to soccer games. Taissa’s head often rested on Van’s shoulder and they always pushed their desks close together in class and wrote notes back and forth in Van’s notebook. 

Van knew that what they had was more intimate than just a friendship. Taissa was the person she felt closest to. She never felt that she had to be anyone but herself around her and just being hanging out with her made her smile a little wider. She thinks that this is what the love that she’s longed to experience is supposed to feel like, but she’s not sure. She doesn’t have much love in her life to compare it to. She can’t tell if this is what love is supposed to feel like or if her crush on her best friend and desire to experience what everyone else has is making her misjudge their friendship. 

Van keeps her mouth shut. She doesn’t ask for clarification or a definition of their relationship, because this is the closest thing that Van’s ever felt to love and normal high school experiences and she’s worried that if she pushes too far and reveals what she is, she may lose it altogether. So she tells herself that the butterflies in her stomach are enough, feeling that love is within reach is enough, even though she can’t quite touch it. 

Van Palmer longs for a love that she’s certain she won’t ever get.

[hollisiguess]

claiming my i was a Yellowjackets fan before it got to Netflix ticket while I can

[thunderon]

i respect the fuck out of taivan for surviving a plane crash + getting stranded in the wilderness and still immediately finding ways to sneak off to continue their secret hook ups. love really does win

[jokeson-u]

me: all the yellowjackets fanfics are so amazing, this fandom is so creative <3

also the yellowjackets fandom: 'jackieshauna' 'lottienat' 'taivan' 'mistynat'

[s0ftpining]

it chose

request for my friend @rubdown!!

[novelconcepts]

Drawgust day 22: still playing with this new-to-me blending technique, using Liv and Jasmin as reference.

[tfttravisnat]

thinking about van again. we know from the flashbacks that lottie’s institutionalized very early on after they’re rescued. and that she was mute post-crash. and that the girls believe she’s still institutionalized all the way up through season two. was the last time they heard lottie’s voice that awful, wretched scream and then complete radio silence? did that ring in vans head, over and over and over again? their savior, their leader (the only one she would follow besides tai. and the other tai. especially the other tai), the one who always had something, the right thing, to say. did lottie see what they were in the light of day and realize they were something terrible, deadly, rotten? was it over? was the plane still with them? it seemed like it was the way shauna ran into jeff’s arms. the wedding was awful. it was so clearly jackie’s with shauna’s face painted on. a shotgun wedding but the baby was 3000 miles away. everyone got an invite, except misty. misty, who was so, completely fine, better than ever (except for when she was out there), puttering around and sending letters (letters van burned, and taissa burned too, but something shauna probably fucking kept like she kept jackie in that shed. like she kept jackies dress from the fire in winter. like she kept jackie’s body for the feas-) on what not to say, like anyone needed any reminders on everything they weren’t saying. maybe van should just be silent, that’s what she says to shauna, and nat, and surprisingly travis, when they duck away from the wedding to bury a bottle of daniels and an 8-ball between them. shauna’s the drunkest, and travis is dead quiet, but there’s already been four toasts to all the dead soccer players and taissa’s inside, lapping it up and wearing that fake smile (the one van trusts less than other tai. at least other tai looks her in the eye these days) because she’ll be leaving to go back to her second year at howard and soon she’ll need recommendations for law school since life has to move on, van. it wasn’t real, van. you didn’t eat jackie, and javi, and melissa, and ben, but not crystal (because they couldn’t find her) and not taissa (why can’t she see how unlikely it was, that both of them of them survived, when so many didn’t.) if none of it was real, then why could van still taste blood in her mouth every time she played a game of cards she knew she would win. if none of it was real then how did laura lee fly that plane. taissas tired of hearing about it, and shauna is too, she says, and she goes back to dance with her (jackie’s) husband. but travis is there, and he takes their hand (im not ashamed. i’m glad im alive, just like you are). and van feels like it’s her fault that travis is alive and wonders if he tastes lottie’s blood too and she almost asks but shauna’s mother kicks out nat and so goes travis. and vans alone (did she ever feel alone in the wilderness?) and she feels like laura lee in the plane, burning in their own convictions. and taissas inside, pretty in her blue dress, she’s going to make a beautiful bride to someone one day, but not to van, because when the summer ends so do they and all van has is the stupid fucking pen and lottie’s scream in her ears over and over and over and over and over and over and ov—

[everythingmp3]

this Valentine’s Day I’m looking forward to witnessing ritualistic psychosexual violence that no god would ever forgive <3

[amygobrrr]

you ever think about how every single one of the yellowjackets reacted to seeing tai kiss van by clapping and cheering? in fucking nineteen ninety six, not one of them was the least bit weird about it

and this of course is because they're not colossal hypocrites lol

[buttholeincorporated]

i posted this on twt but i finally edited and updated my yellowjackets scooby doo au after over a year !! it took a while for me to get back in the right place to write again and i never once forgot about this story so now that life is better, i want to continue it more regularly. i fixed chapters 1 & 2, updated with chapter 3, and plan on chapter 4 starting with a lottie pov intro and containing the first taivan interaction oOoOo :0 im nervous but excited to be posting publicly again and i hope it’s not ass :)

[harundraws]

the only time the finnish in me really comes out is when i’m mildly annoyed

“vittu…“ (cunt/vagina basically used like the word ‘fuck’)

“ei perkele” (no, evil spirit/satan/devil )

“no voi saatana” (damn it satan)

“vittujen vittu” (cunts cunt)

“VITTU!!” (CUNT WITH EMPHASIS)

[taivansupremacy]

i'm writing a Van character study that centers around her relationship with maternal and romantic love and idk if its any good fhsdjf if anyone wants to beta her, i would love the help

[peachykneesjellybees]

hurt and broken hearted over the fact that 2021 taissa and van most definitely don’t know about muna

[thunderon]

so anyways here’s some taivan content *strums guitar*

[jokeson-u]

ok so we know shauna is the fastest, lottie has the best footwork, and tai is likely the best all around player. i wanna expand a little on that and what i think the other varsity members are good at.

so first off. jackie. shes the best playmaker. her dad was the local kids soccer coach when she was little and it was her major bonding point with him. she actually enjoyed playing soccer, and watching it with her dad. theyd make plays together and as she got older it kinda stopped but its still a sentimental thing for her.

shauna was always a fast runner, but she preferred track to soccer. jackie really wanted shauna to join from a young age, and shauna didn't like it but she did like spending time w jackie, and she was able to work off some of her frustration on the field when running. she enjoys going on morning jogs sometimes still, and tai occasionally joins her.

lottie was kinda similar to jackie in terms of playing from a young age. her parents and therapist found it important that lottie be involved in social activities. she didnt really care about it, but when she realized she actually had skill she started to enjoy it. it was an easy way to make friends so her parents and therapist dont worry, and as she gets older, its an excuse not to be sitting at home all alone. lottie is a very dedicated person when she cares about something, so her effort in soccer resulted in her above average footwork on the field.

taissa did softball, swim, and briefly basketball as a kid. she wasnt super into it but she was pretty good. like lottie, taissa is a dedicated person, but unlike her, tai puts her 110% into everything, even if she doesnt care about it all that much. she wants to be the best at everything she does. during a soccer unit in middle school gym, she realizes soccer is everything she likes in a sport- especially because its the best shes ever played.

van is goalie obviously, and has the best reflexes. she doesnt do a ton of on field drills bc of her position but she does a lot of training w coach ben while the team does their drills. shes improved drastically at her goalie skills with all the one on one during practice. plus, tai sometimes ropes her into practicing when she goes over to her place, and tai does not go easy on her lol.

natalie is the best scorer. she doesnt actually play organized soccer until high school, but she used to practice juggling a ball in front of her trailer growing up. she got really good at it which is why she figured she'd join the team in high school as something to get her away from her parents. because of her physical comfort with the ball, she was naturally good at taking controlled shots.

laura lee is the best passer and executer. she listens intently to the plays given and is the backbone of getting the ball across the field. but shes also shes really good at sort of sitting back and observing the other teams strengths and weaknesses, and applying that to each play and setting up opportunities for her own team.

mari is a really fucking good defender. she grew up with a lot of brothers, most of which played football, so shes really aggressive and rough by nature when she needs to be.

idk who I'm forgetting and i dont care enough about allie to include her lol

[marie-scary]

what am i working on, putting together an au that makes more sense for lottielee but making it into lottienat bc they are more coded they way for the end of the book