#kinda explaining the impact that different disabilities actually have on a person

[sirensongster]

I'm thinking of starting a Substack for posting my silly little hobby essays on food and disability advocacy. Would anyone be interested at all?

[korya-elana]

Hey there! Bit of a vent (not at you, though) incoming-- Man. Maybe I'm just salty today, but that anon you got about physical and mental disabilities being Two Totally Separate Things is such a frustrating sentiment to me. No they're not. I mean, sure, for some people, sometimes, there can be a clean separation, for them personally--but categorically? No. We're disabled. Haven't been able to work in years, can't live on our own right now (we're hoping that'll change in the future, but we honestly don't know). Etc. Are we mentally disabled, or physically disabled? Well... *deep breath* We have chronic fatigue. Which is a physical issue, a literal bodily physical limitation. It's from our long COVID. Unless it's from the dissociative disorder--which is a mental issue, except it can also cause chronic fatigue. Also it's actually because of the sensory overload from having ADHD. We have moderate chronic pain and frequent migraines, which is also from the long COVID, and also our past sports injuries. Except it's also from somatic stress/trauma shit, which is (probably??) from neurodivergent burnout and depression, which make it hard to care for our body properly, which causes more physical pain. Which limits us physically. We don't use mobility aids...except the car we can borrow, which kinda counts, since we often have to use it to get to places that a physically-healthy 31 year old could normally walk to. Although we can't always use it, (the car), because sometimes we dissociate too much to be able to drive safely. Because of the dissociative disorder. Or is it because of the long COVID. Or the sleep problems. Which are physical, not mental--except for we didn't used to have them until we had all these active mental health issues. We sleep all the time because we're depressed. Or because of the chronic fatigue. Which is from the trauma, unless it's actually because of the cardiovascular scarring and low baseline blood O2. "well, you just have both physical and mental disabili--" Are you not listening, they're literally inseparable for us. Your brain is not separate from your body, for fucks sake. -S P.S. This isn't saying that it sometimes isn't really useful and necessary to talk about different ways that disability impacts different folks--of course not every disabled person has the same issues or the same experience, and different kinds of accommodations are more or less frequently accepted/implemented in society. And yeah, in plenty of cases, calling a specific issue a "physical disability" vs a "cognitive disability" vs a "mental health disability" can be a useful shorthand! But saying that "physically disabled people go Over Here and use Only These Words, and mentally disabled people go Over There and use Only Those Words" is just...such a breathtaking mischaracterization of the way disability works for many people.

Oh my god oh my god YOU GET IT. hOLy Shit. @The-best-crew is laughing at me for how much I'm losing my mind about this xD

Ok ok. I think a HUGE part of the reason I didn't discover the System earlier than my late 20s is because of exactly what you're talking about. Holy shit ok let us try and get our thoughts in order.

Listen. We had experiences earlier on that we just didn't attribute to anything serious. Someone who recognized me and I didn't recognize them and that's just life, right? Easily explained away in childhood.

But in my late teens/early 20s I was diagnosed by the Cleveland Clinic with dysautonomia. This is a blanket neurological condition that affects so many things you can't even dream about. Part of it is seizures and hallucinations and brain fog, all of which we are affected by.

So when we started hearing people talk and we went up to greet family who wasn't actually there, we attributed it to dysautonomia. Because dysautonomia can cause auditory hallucinations (but so can DID).

45min of lost time and we're on a page I don't recognize? Seizure. Because I already had them. (But maybe a switch?)

Seeing a guy serenade me at work on the violin because he can't speak? Hallucination, obviously. That definitely didn't end up being my co-host.

Can't remember seeing the Grand Canyon? Oh, it's brain fog for sure. Same with my childhood memories. No one really remembers their childhood, right?

Don't get me wrong: These are all signs of DID. But they are also signs of dysautonomia. While I conflated everything to be one thing or another ... sometimes I just don't know. Am I forgetting something because of amnesia barriers or because of brain fog from my neuro condition? Am I hallucinating due to my dissociative disorder or my neuro disorder? Am I losing time because I legitimately had a seizure or because someone switched in?

I just ... I wish people didn't think it was so black and white. Dissociative disorders have a HIGH level of comorbid disorders. I can't thank you enough for this level of solidarity and understanding.

[linagram]

[meet the guard!] guard 003: kuroki hinode

(this was supposed to be posted yesterday but.. i forgor...)

HE'S FINALLY HERE!!! THE THIRD GUARD!!! AND ALSO RIKU'S BIG BROTHER!! LET'S GO!!!

he gets not one but two drawings bc he's a very special little boy (and also bc i feel bad for him since he got introduced late for obvious story purposes but like.. i really need to make more content for him..)

(also fun fact: the first drawing actually was done in july and the second one just a few days ago.. i can actually see some differences in my art style hehe..)

another note is that when i started to work on hinode's character, my first thought was that i kinda wanted to create another physically disabled guard character (since i think eiji can count as the first one because kei's treatment of him had not the best impact on his body), it just sounded like a neat concept! but i also didn't want to make him.. how do i explain.. too sympathetic, maybe? too squishy? what really annoys me as someone who is physically disabled is that characters like that are often used to make people feel bad for them and don't really have any personality OR they turn out to be the bad guys who only pretended to be disabled for pity points. so instead i've tried to make hinode's problems realistic and a lot of it comes from my own experiences, but i still wanted to make him morally gray and kinda.. you know.. kinda suspicious. (you're more than allowed to joke about punching him or putting him in a blender and all that)

General info.

Name: Kuroki Hinode (黒木日出) (his last name means "black" and "tree" and his first name means "sun, day" and "exit, leave". yes, hinode's name has kanji for "day" and riku's name has kanji for "evening".. the parallels <3...)

Age: 22 y/o

Gender: Male

Status: Guard 003

Birthday: January 28 (Aquarius)

Blood type: AB

Height: 179 cm

Occupation: Unemployed

Personality: Hinode isn't as outgoing as his brother, but he still enjoys talking to others, learning more about them and just spending time with other people. However, he's used to being alone, so he won't complain if it's not possible for him to talk to anyone at the moment. It actually might be better for him, since he gets tired quite easily because of his poor health and can't be active for too long. He feels sleepy most of the time, so please don't judge him for suddenly dozing off in the middle of the conversation, even if it's very important. He's not as passionate about justice as the other guards and mostly just wants to do his own thing, not caring about morals too much, but still having enough common sense to punish those who deserve it (in his opinion). He dislikes the physical kind of punishments because he believes that they're too "basic", since pain can easily scare anyone and there's nothing special about it. It's also possible that he doesn't like them because of his own experience with chronic pain, but to be honest, Hinode is lying when he says that he doesn't like to see people in pain. Yes, he believes that pain is the worst thing that could happen to anyone, even worse than death. But also, as someone who has no choice but to spend most of his days in pain.. Maybe he does want to see the prisoners feel the same way as he does. Maybe just a little bit. He still prefers the psychological punishments, finding them more "effective" and "suitable".. mostly because he's too weak to punish anyone physically.

MV info.

His Milgram cover: Him and T1 Naomi are twinning and he'd cover Weakness! The lyrics remind me a lot of him and I think with an instrumental like that it'd be appropriate for Riku's brother to cover it.

His DECO*27 cover: Harinezumi. The lyrics remind me a lot of him in general, him trying to keep up with everyone even though his condition doesn't allow him and him feeling like a burden to others, especially his family, but also being jealous of Riku for being so popular, talented and living his best life (at least it seems so on the outside) ("I can still keep going! Jealousy, what a trifling thing", "Don't you sometimes feel a little dizzy? I'm sighing because I'm tired of my heart pounding", "People know their true forms after being broken and crushed") and also the song describes his dysfunctional relationship with Riku really well as two brothers who are both jealous of each other and who both want something the other has (Riku has friends, popularity, the time and energy to make music, meanwhile Hinode has the family's attention, others helping him and people not judging him for spending the whole day in bed) but who also still love each other and genuinely wish their life could go differently ("I'll embrace you, we won't be parted", "Don't be prickly with me, each time we touch, I throb. If I prick you, you might hate me, well, there's no way that will happen!.. At least, I think", "I'm an attention seeker! I want to be spoiled! I want to melt even more for you!") And also considering that one of them is extremely suicidal and the other one is afraid that his life won't be that long.. ("In the blink of an eye, which of us will die?")

His Non-DECO*27 cover: Waltz by Nashimoto-P. I imagine Hinode having this very soft and quiet voice that almost sounds like a whisper and I feel like it would fit the way Miku is tuned very well! Also the lyrics sound so much like him trying to cope with his condition, his relationship with Riku, other problems and slowly going insane in the process. ("Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, I ask what day is it today, regrettably thinking today will be a good time", "I don't know what's fun, but as I run out of things to do, I will accompany you", "My EKG is a straight line, I wonder how many decades ago") Some lyrics, especially the chorus remind me of the way he acts as a guard too. ("Stop trying to give up, the world is connected. Dance, smile, while you're being controlled. In the beginning, in the end, the details are non-existent. Don't resist, accept it, everything is connected") Also, Riku's T3 song is supposed to be by Nashimoto-P too, so :} They're matching!

His T3 Voice Trailer Voicelines:

"Ah, greetings, prisoners. Um, I apologize for such a late introduction, haha.. My name is Kuroki Hinode and I am the third guard of this prison. Nice to meet you. Starting from today, I'll be replacing Sanada Eiji-san as he's recovering. I hope we all get along. I'm really not the best person for this job, so I apologize if I end up falling asleep in the middle of the interrogation, haha.."

".. What was I supposed to do? I can't even get out of bed right now. If he wants to be saved, then I'm not the one who he should ask for help."

Trivia:

His eyes may not look like it because of the lighting on the first picture, but his eye color is supposed to be gray, meanwhile Riku's eye color is more of a mix of light green and gray.

Hinode's natural hair color is light brown, but a few days before Riku committed his crime, Riku suggested that he dyes Hinode's hair, hoping to make him feel at least a little better. They went with the brightest colors Riku had just for fun and it really did make Hinode smile and he was happy to spend time with his brother like that. In season 2, Riku dyed his hair the same way and noticed the colors only when it was too late, so it's possible that he missed his brother and did that subconsciously. It should be noted, however, that Riku's T2 hair is light green on the left and red on the right, meanwhile Hinode's hair is light green on the right and his hair is more pink rather than red on the left. Hinode also has a double ahoge just like his little brother and same goes for their little sisters. It's something they all share :)

He started putting his hair in a bun since he arrived because he found working with his hair down uncomfortable. Miki helps him with it now.

Hinode's illnesses aren't deadly, but a lot of them are chronic and dealing with them made Hinode a little bit paranoid and he has a lot of health-related anxiety. His condition is supposed to be mostly up to interpretation, but I can say for sure that he has anemia, narcolepsy and fibromyalgia.

He's the tallest out of all the guards (and that also makes Eiji the shortest). He's also the oldest one.

It's hard for him to walk because of how tired he feels most of the time, so he asked Miki if it's okay to hold her hand when they walk together. After a lot of internal screaming because of Hinode being so cute, Miki agreed. 

His room has everything he needs and he can see the whole prison on multiple screens, watch the interrogation recordings, adjust the brightness of the screens and the room temperature and whoever kidnapped him also somehow learned about all the medications he has to take. He was creeped out by first, but then went "Oh, it's kinda nice actually :)"

Speaking of him arriving to Milgram, he was kidnapped while he was asleep. So before Jackalope brought him his guard uniform, Hinode spent all his time wearing pajamas. He still thinks they're more comfortable than his uniform. (another fun fact is that the first "concept art" of him had him in his pajamas sjskkssl)

He's probably the best character to ask for medical help at the moment, since he does know a lot about things like that, but whether he's able to actually help someone depends on how he's feeling at the moment and what his relationship with that person is like. 

Hinode actually used to play the guitar before his health started to get worse and after he realized he doesn't have the energy to play anymore, he gave it to Riku. Riku still uses his brother's guitar and not counting the ones he got in Milgram, he refuses to get a new one. It also has a bunch of silly drawings on it made by Riku himself, Hinode and their little sisters. 

[kirksfattitties]

asks you can smell the privilege and internalized ableism radiate from

(tw for ableism and other bigoted implications)

i’m bad at reading tone but even i understand that this is 100% you being condescending and trying to cover it up with smiley faces and false sincerity. and i don’t appreciate that.

before i get into deconstructing your shitty ableist argument, i want to explain the reasons i believe in self diagnosis (self-dx):

even professional diagnosis doesn’t start with a doctor diagnosing you. there has to be a reason for seeing the doctor. some people see a doctor in their adult life because they’re struggling, some people are taken by their parents, some people are referred or suggested that they see a specialist. whatever it is, you don’t just see a doctor and they magically give you a neurodivergency. people have neurodivergencies before they see doctors and even if they NEVER see a doctor.

the psychiatry system is flawed in MANY ways and to say that it isn’t means you’re denying the experiences of people with less privledge than yourself. also like psychiatry isn’t gonna suck your dick. you don’t have to be a bootlicker lol

in many places (hi hello i’m from america where our government tries to indirectly kill us by not providing us with adequate healthcare! i and many other people have many issues we can’t get fixed because simply our government cares more about the economy than us), seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist or going to a mental hospital or WHATEVER is INCREDIBLY expensive. and to assume that everyone has access and enough time/money/energy/transportation/whatever to do all of that is classist and elitist.

ANYTHING medical (including mental health) is biased towards white cis men. most studies are done on white cis men/boys. because of this, people who aren’t white cis men (or people who aren’t perceived as white cis men) are often not diagnosed. the system is racist. the system is sexist. the system is transphobic. people don’t know how to diagnose autism or adhd or personality disorders or other neurodivergencies or even mental illnesses in black people and other people of color, in women, in trans people, etc. and GOD FORBID someone be in multiple (or all) of those categories. saying “just go get diagnosed :)” is a privileged statement to make.

shocker! the psychiatry system is also ableist. if you’re already diasabled (whether it be mental or physical) and you see a doctor about ANOTHER disability? the doctor is most likely going to shoot you down. or at least be weary about someone having mutliple disabilities.

also most people who diagnose are neurotypical. they have never and will probably never experience neurodivergency so they can never fully understand it. they operate off of stereotypes of neurodivergent people and usually only stereotypical behavior of neurodivergent white cis men (which, as i mentioned before, is problematic for anyone who isn’t a white cis man). neurotypical diagnosers don’t know the neurodivergent culture and aren’t trained to recognize very common things (like masking for example).

a professional diagnosis can also be weaponized. not everyone can get a professional diagnosis because there are some neurodivergencies (such as autism and personality disorders) and mental illnesses (like depression) that can have legal and medical respercussions to have in your record. trans people can be denied medical and legal transition for being professionally diagnosed. people can lose custody battles for being professionally diagnosed. a professional diagnosis can be used as justification for taking away someone’s body autonomy (especially if that person is also physically disabled).

a LOT of neurodivergencies also have some type of symptom (or symptoms) that make it difficult to interact with people. troubles recognizing facial expressions, troubles understanding certain phrases and types of speech, paranoid about people, audio processing issues, being nonverbal in an environment that doesn’t accommodate for it, overstimulation, extreme social anxiety, discomfort in new situations, problems with eye contact, and a lot more. because like. for many nd people, interacting with people is very difficult and stressful. and hey. if you want to get a professional diagnosis? take a WILD guess what you have to do? FUCKING INTERACT with people! LIKE?? JEHDJJDKEKKDKDKDS. do you know how many professionally diagnosed nd people i know who made their appointment COMPLETELY on their own without help from a parent or family member or friend? LITERALLY ZERO! and i know A FEW nd people who have professional diagnoses! so if someone has social issues that prevent them from doing tasks like calling and making an appointment, showing up for an appointment, talking during the appointment, etc and ALSO doesn’t have familial or friend support (because newsflash! people who are friends/family of disabled people can still be ableist)? almost impossible to get a diagnosis! plus, the diagnosis process is TIME CONSUMING. not everyone can focus on a task for that long and not everyone can miss work/school for that long.

so those are the reasons i support self-dx. (although there’s probably more that i’m forgetting but i have adhd and it’s hard for me to remember things!)

so hopefully you now understand my reasons for believing in self-dx, and perhaps even you’re pro-self-dx now because before you were just uneducated on these issues and how they impact people who aren’t you.

but in case you’re still anti-self-dx and probably hate already-marginalized neurodivergent people, let’s talk about this horrendous ask (series of asks, actually) that i got sent. i feel like i can feel the self hatred and internalized ableism OOZING from this ask and into my inbox, so thanks for that i guess /s

“Sometimes people who self diagnose can take away from those who are actually nd, even sometimes from themselves.”

starting out strong with the ableism on this one by separating people into “self diagnosed” and “actually nd” people. self diagnosed people ARE actually nd

there’s not a limited number of nd resources. this isn’t a math equation of only x amount of people can be nd because there’s only y amount of resources. more people realizing they’re nd will actually MAKE more resources for nd people and will bring more awareness to being nd

even IF someone self diagnosed, and they go back on it later, what harm was done? they learned some coping mechanisms? they made some nd friends? neither of those are problematic and i think they’re both actually very helpful. i think nt people SHOULD learn more about nd people and stuff because i think that will lead to WAYYY less misunderstandings and WAYYYY less ableism

“There are many people who fake nds for attention,”

hey anon, what fucking world do you live in that nd’s are cool enough to fake having? because i would LOVE to live there. like, i literally had a post about my personality disorder (which i will not be specifying) i had to delete because people were sending my anons about how i was “scary” and “threatening” now that they knew i had the personality disorder i have. last year i left a discord server because the ableism i was recieving from not only the members of the server, but the mods as well. there are very few people i know irl who i tell about my personality disorder, but when i tell people about my adhd, they start treating me different. they infantalize me and make fun of me and use “jokes” about stereotypical adhd behaviors to alienate me and they even TELL OTHER PEOPLE without my permission. i was SEVERELY bullied throughout elementary and middle school for being nd. i have been refused job and educational opportunities as well as literal medical attention for being nd. people aren’t “faking” being nd, and if they were they probably wouldn’t be doing it for long because it’s not something that’s EASY to deal with.

kinda ironic that you’re saying people can’t diagnose themselves but that YOU can tell when someone is faking their diagnosis. that’s both hypocritical and a double standard.

masking exists. if you think someone isn’t “acting nd enough” they’re probably masking because they’ve been fucking bullied and harrassed. also you’re probably basing whatever you think nd is on stereotypes. not every nd person is sheldon cooper lol.

this is a side note but can we talk about how you’re literally just taking transmed rhetoric and molding it to fit nd people? like. you really come onto MY NONBINARY NEURODIVERGENT blog and expect me to validate your recycled “but what about the REAL [insert group] people?” ??? like grow up, elitist. you’re not better than anyone else just because you lick some boots 🥾 👅

“and claiming that self diagnosis (and this is just what I interpreted) is just as valid as professional diagnosis”

it is 😌

the only difference between self diagnosis and professional diagnosis is that a professional diagnosis can also get you medicine. not every neurodivergency needs meds and not every neurodivergency can be treated (at this time or even ever). for example, my pd (self diagnosed) doesn’t have a specific treatment but multiple symptoms of the pd (all professionally diagnosed) have specific treatments and medicines that work, so patients are given/diagnosed with/prescribed those instead. also, medicine doesn’t work for everyone! and sometimes people are allergic to or take medicines that will conflict with any new medicine.

“can really devalue the account of someone who actually has a disorder”

here we go again with that “self diagnosed” vs “actually nd” bullshit. literally just say you hate poor people n minorities and leave lol

someone having a different experience than you isn’t devaluing you, but if you’re the one who always has the spotlight maybe you should use your privledge uplift other marginalized people instead of feeling angry when everything isn’t all about you 100% of the time

“I have a second ask”

i don’t want it

“Plus it can be damaging for a person if they self diagnose wrong.”

how? what if they learn information that they wouldn’t’ve otherwise known like coping mechanisms that help them with their own neurodivergencies? that’s definitely not a bad thing

i think it’s funny that you bring up that people can self diagnose wrong and don’t even MENTION that doctors can diagnose wrong. like. you know. the people who GIVE OUT MEDICINE to people. i think it’s MUCH more dangerous when a PROFESSIONAL diagnosis is wrong. what are self-dx people with wrong diagnoses gonna do? read up on nd tips? maybe smoke some weed? drink some coffee? that’s about all they can do with a self-dx. but if a MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL gives you an INCORRECT diagnosis, they can ACTUALLY fuck you up.

“I was recently diagnosed with PTSD, a disorder which I would have never considered I’d have.”

that’s great about your professional diagnosis! i don’t know you but i’m glad you’re finding out about yourself and getting the help you want and/or need /srs

sorry if this sounds blunt, but honestly i’m not surprised you never considered you could have PTSD. based on your asks, you sound like you have a lot of internalized ableism you need to work through and a lot more research about neurodiversity you need to do. being anti-self diagnosis is a common belief among a lot of people with internalized ableism and a lot of these same people are the ones who have no issue with and even SUPPORT auti$m $peaks. many nd organizations that are run BY nd people (like asan) actually support self-dx.

“If I had of diagnosed my own symptoms and then started treating myself or taking precautions based on my self diagnosed "condition", it could of really hurt me.”

how? taking precautions to preserve your mental health is NEVER a bad idea. i’m not ptsd, but someone i care deeply about DOES have ptsd and has shared a lot of the precautions and coping mechanisms for ptsd with me and honestly they’ve been incredibly helpful. it’s almost as if different neurodivergencies and/or mental illnesses have overlap and that’s why there’s a whole community for us to be able to share these resources and information with each other!

the same person was rejected a formal autism diagnosis because of their ptsd, plus the fact that they’re transgender and the fact they have symptoms of adhd. it’s not really my place to talk about their experience with professional diagnosis, but i’ll send this post to them and allow them to add on their experience in a rb if they’re comfortable with that. but it’s almost as if their experience with the professional diagnosis process was unhelpful, harmful, ableist, and transphobic 🧐 and unfortunately this is a pretty common experience

“Also, by self diagnosing, I devalue the account of a person with the disorder l assumed I had.”

how? if someone thinks they’re nd, they have a legitimate reason for thinking so. either they have another neurodivergency than the one they thought they had, or they’re neurotypical and need to figure themself out and have a need for support. either way, they learned more about the specific neurodivergency, more about the nd community, and more about themself. i don’t see how that’s a bad thing.

if you think self-diagnosed people’s experiences inherently have less value, that is straight up ableism. especially considering that other marginalized identities and minorities have trouble getting professional diagnoses, you might also be bigoted in some other way. or at the very least, refusing to acknowledge your privilege.

“only one more I promise”

i don’t want it

“I understand that doctors are expensive and professionals can get it wrong,”

okay. if you understand this, then dm me your information so i can bill you for the cost of my professional diagnoses, the cost for my therapy sessions, the cost for my medicine, and the cost for transportation to and from all these places. PLUS the cost of the work and school i’ll be missing for these sessions. 🤲

“but self diagnosis can be really harmful to yourself or others.”

nah, you’re just ableist and a gatekeeper lol

“If you feel like you have a disorder, go see a psychiatrist, you may have it.”

[remembers when i went to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with two major symptoms of a personality disorder and said i had other symptoms of the pd as well but refused to diagnose me with the actual personality disorder because i was a minor at the time and he told me “kids don’t have personalities so they can’t have personality disorders”. i understand being weary about diagnosing children with personality disorders because they aren’t fully developed but this dude straight up told me that i didn’t have a personality. this man literally only worked with children so that means he literally never diagnosed personality disorders. this man was literally just lazy and didn’t care about his patients. this man also refused to believe me when i told him the medicine he prescribed me made my symptoms worse and even made me hallucinate. he ignored me and refused to change my medicine so eventually i just changed psychiatrists and they put me on a new medicine that DIDNT make my symptoms worse and DIDNT make me hallucinate. also i looked it up after our session and apparently ONLY people with my pd and related ones experience hallucinations on that certain medication. it’s almost like his refusal to diagnose me and ignoring my symptoms/concerns harmed me. this man also constantly misgendered me and told me that homosexuality and transgenderism should’ve still been in the dsm. like golly, it’s almost as if being queer and neurodivergent in an extremely conservative state is harmful and dangerous. and that psychiatrists aren’t immune from being homophobic and transphobic and ableist.] but yes :) perhaps i should see another psychiatrist in this conservative state :)

“I don't want to undermine anyone's actual experiences, but it can be dangerous.”

then stop undermining people’s actual experiences :)

no ❤️

“If you feel like something's wrong, go see a professional.”

the whole point of the neurodiversity movement is that there IS no such thing as a “normal” brain, so saying that neurodivergent people have something “wrong” with them is ableist.

💰 🤲 hand it over

“I don't want to offend, I just don't want anyone to get mislead or hurt. :)”

you absolutely meant to offend. you literally said that self-diagnosed people’s experiences aren’t valid and have less value than people who have professional diagnoses

i know more people who have been (and personally have been) mislead and hurt by professionals than by simply existing as a self-diagnosed person

also i want to say that being pro-self dx is NOT being anti-professional/formal diagnosis. i think that people should absolutely get a professional diagnosis (if they are able to without negative repercussions)! being pro-self dx is more inclusive of marginalized people (like people of color, women, lgbtq+ people, people with multiple disabilities, etc). pro-self dx is simply just saying that professional diagnosis isn’t the only option

(neurotypical people and anti-self dx people don’t add anything; pro-self dx neurodivergent people are allowed to add with their experiences if they want)

[faecaptainofdreams]

Can you at least acknowledge not all men and AMAB are not all bad? Being disabled isn’t an excuse to belittle others - an AFAB mentally ill autistic

My dear, i HAVE acknowledged this. Many times on Twitter, and DA. You also did NOT apparently read the entire description at the bottom stating i do not feel such a way about ALL men. I don’t think all women, cis or otherwise, are all heroines. Of course men not all bad, but I’ve explained 1,000 times why in GENERAL, CIS. MEN. Piss me off. You very VERY strongly missed a LOT of context. You have chosen to fixate on something. The other astonishing thing is, despite my apparently causing you so much upset, you will not let it go or move on from it. More to the point, you continue to hide behind an anonymous facade instead of calmly having a real conversation with me. I assume you’re either stalking me or just haven’t filtered me out of your media, which is alarming for both of us. That or you’re just hung up on something from a few weeks ago and haven’t bothered to update your reservoir of information on me before continuing to say dumb shit, which just makes you pathetic. The way you spoke to me last time, it felt like you just had this endless ocean of information about me, but upon calming down i realized you do not, and actually know VERY little. If you actually paid enough attention, you would see that i have MANY male characters, particularly ones who are kind, benevolent, and even center their own stories. A cis old man is the hero of my Minecraft lore. I also love Peter Parker, a white Jewish boy with spider powers who is sweet and fun and beats bad guys! WOW! 🤪 Crazy, right?! Literally just two examples. I’m also straight and highly attracted to men, cis and trans, so. Kinda hard to completely hate and want to destroy something you’re attracted to. And the “YOU’RE racist for assuming Cynder is black” comment is so silly I’m not even going to dignify it with acknowledgment beyond this point. You need to learn to read context clues, study shit before making accusations and be up front. What you’re doing is weird and unhealthy. Also, i never used my disabilities as an excuse to “hate men” or “be racist.” I explained what my disabilities inhibit me from doing for myself and my community, and why i rely on the internet and use links and funds to do my part for now. Has it ever occurred to you that what i did with Cynder is one person’s unique viewpoint that clearly doesn’t bother literally anyone else, and that my sharing it wasn’t some “wokeness crusade” to overthrow society? That’s giving me WAY too much credit, lmao. And despite your bizarre fixation on me and this one particular piece, i doubt you’ve checked it out since your mounted attack. It’s been updated for more explanation, thanks to some points you brought up. So actually, THANK you for that. No matter how detailed i think i am, clearly i need to learn to be even more concise in the future. If this all isn’t good enough for you, nothing will be. Expressing an observation/opinion about something that can’t impact anyone is not wrong. Expressing anger over men when our society is crippled by patriarchy (and toxic feminazis, absolutely) is not unjustified. I also don’t understand where you think it’s transphobic??? If you’re referring to the part about our energies being different and AMABs being more chaotic, this is a common spiritual belief I’ve been raised with and aligns with my Wiccan roots. It’s not something to take to heart; it’s part of a personal belief system. Does this mean i may find trans women more chaotic? Absolutely. Just as many trans men are usually softer. I would know given half my friends are trans men, INCLUDING my fucking fiancé. But I don’t walk up to people, learn the sex they were born as and just assume they’re pieces of shit or will ruin my life or will automatically be a certain way. That’s idiotic. If this isn’t helpful to you, nothing will be. Either reveal yourself so I can block you, or block ME and get some help. Your obsession is unhealthy. Good luck.

[inawickedlittletown]

The Magicians - Season Five

Putting under a cut because spoilers and because while the whole season finished airing at the beginning of the month it is not yet on Netflix. 

Season Five - the last season. The end. 

This season’s most important theme is grief and it fits in with Eliot, with Alice, and with The Dark King and I think the fact that it carries through the entire season is really well done. This season isn’t perfect, but it isn’t that bad either. I still think that Quentin shouldn’t have been killed off, but ultimately his loss shapes this season and it isn’t quite forgotten even if not referred to often. 

The first few episodes we see Alice in mourning, we see Julia needing to find a reason to be alive, and we see a very distraught and heartbroken Eliot. But there are other things happening both in Fillory and Earth and it needs their attention. 

Eliot and Margo are actually stuck in Fillory 300 years in the future and there’s a new king and they can’t go back in time to save Fen and Josh which is a very real problem and something that seems to affect Margo way more than Eliot. Eliot is still post-monster and grieving Quentin and yet he’s the one that figures out that the only way to fix things is to bring Fen and Josh to the future instead of trying to change the past. And then we see that Eliot has written Quentin a letter and that he could send it to him in the past and yet he doesn’t.

I kinda hated how everyone decides to not try and figure out a way to bring Quentin back to life. Alice does that spell that brings a child version, Julia wants to do a seance that never ends up happening, and Eliot just gives up his one way of contacting Quentin and possibly saving him. I did love that Alice and Eliot took that trip and that they managed to talk things out and that they can grieve together. It was such a nice touch to have them come together like that and for Alice to tell Eliot that she knew and for Eliot to tell her about the other life he and Quentin had. It was nice to see their friendship grow as the season went on and to have them singing together. I loved it. 

During the trip Alice and Eliot go on we also meet The Dark King. And the connection that Eliot immediately has with him really resonated well with Eliot’s own grief over Quentin. The Dark King is also played by Sean Maguire whom I love so I couldn’t ever really hate him not to mention that he’s very likeable and that his motives just aren’t pure evil — he’s in pain and grieving and trying to go to the very extremes to get his love back. I can see why Eliot can’t hate him for it and want him to stay alive. It still makes me a bit bitter that Eliot gets to have that last moment with Rupert/The Dark King when he couldn’t have any kind of moment with Quentin at the end. But I also really appreciated that Rupert in the end ends up with his sister. 

Rupert is the extreme that Eliot would never go to even for someone he loved as deeply as Quentin and I think that was very important to show to explain why the characters wouldn’t try to find a way to bring Quentin back. Doesn’t mean that I’m not annoyed by it or by how well established time travel is by this point in the show and that it somehow doesn’t serve any purpose. I mean they base so many different things on time loops and time travel within this season alone but somehow manage to keep putting out the message that changing anything would be disastrous. Even Jane at the beginning of the season tells Eliot that Quentin died in all 39 other time loops and that in the first one it was Eliot’s death that made Quentin go to Fillory and it just hurts so much because they belonged together. 

Julia’s storyline this season was another one I enjoyed. Her need to do something and go on a quest and then the struggle with Penny not wanting to continue fighting and living that life and then to have her be pregnant all of that was great because it gave us this different view at change and growth in life and it wasn’t without its issues. Red Monkey Month still made me laugh every time anyone said it. Also that scene with Julia and Eliot trapped in the dungeons and the way that their friendship has come so far was amazing. I can’t get over how Eliot kneels on the floor and touches her belly and how that in some ways informs the way that he manages to make her get herself out using the baby’s traveller powers. 

The whole moon thing and the “lunatics” was a hilarious plot in this season with the whole breaking of the moon and then giving Eliot that episode in which he’s essentially figuring out how to fix the whole mess and dealing with himself as well. The talking whales — magic whales at that — were just perfect. I also really loved that them moving the moon has consequences that impact the rest of the season. The thing that wasn’t perfect, freaking Charlton. 

Charlton was fun back in S4 when he acted as someone that Eliot could talk to in his head and he should have stayed there. I didn’t mind that he helps Eliot or that he’s around to voice a different opinion but he should have stayed the imaginary friend and he definitely shouldn’t have freaked Eliot out when he was trying to get his attention. But I particularly did not enjoy that at the very end of the whole series he apparently has all these feelings about Eliot and that he knows Eliot better than most because he’s been in Eliot’s head. And the thing about that is that Eliot goes with it because that’s who Eliot it, but in the end Eliot is not happy. He’s become a professor at Breakbills and he has no idea if his friends are okay. The friends he does have left are Penny and Julia who are new parents and Kady who is busy with the hedges. He is alone. Eliot and Rupert made a lot more sense and I would have been more okay with that than Eliot and Charlton because at the end of the day Eliot and Rupert had both chemistry and a deeper connection whereas Charlton is just the guy that happened to be there and there was no real build up at least on Eliot’s side so I definitely see this as Eliot just taking up the offer because he might as well and because he has no one else whereas if they had managed to take Rupert out of Fillory, there could have been a more interesting and complex relationship there with two people that knew they weren’t each other’s first choice. 

Margo’s arc this season was more about how much she loves Fillory and how much she loves Josh and everyone else too. She’s badass as always and gets the best lines and I think by the end of the season seeing her in the new world she’s happy. 

Alice’s grief and her connection with Eliot were the highlights of her for me this season. I liked that I got to like Alice again this season and that she grows to care about other people enough to disable herself and her use of magic and yet she still by the end can manage to be the powerful magician that she is. 

As always the show manages to connect all storylines in the end even Julia and Penny’s baby gets in on the action by being the reason that Margo gets saved. Dean Fogg plays an interesting different parts all season and it was nice to see him come through in the end in combination with Plum. In the end, they do manage to create a new world for all the Fillorians. Despite this, this season doesn’t separate the characters as much as other seasons have and that makes the storylines not quite collide but just arrive at the end together. 

Lastly, I really loved the pig-person who was also played by Sean Maguire for the hilarity it brought. I also kinda hated that the whole season I was expecting something to come of the fact that Sean Maguire played both the pig and The Dark King, but they just double cast him because they loved him so much which I’m okay with. 

Lastly, I’m sad to see this show go. There was so much potential for more and the way that this last episode leaves off is an ending I can accept if I don’t think about how much I want so much more for Eliot. And now I’m going to dive back into reading The Magician King. 

-

Other Meta/Reviews

[poetic-beats]

You'll be ok. If you feel your not, You can talk to me. Take care of yourself.

Thank you so much <3  I am just overwhelmed by everything right now.  Like my partner having no job by January. My mental health. My physical health like this year so far I’ve been told I have CNS dysfunction and FGID. I am being tested for Celiac. Oh and they found cysts on my ovaries then they tested and said it wasn’t what it could’ve been and now because of issues I’ve had my female GP who handles my contraception which is due up in January wants me to have another uhh thing to check the cysts and have another blood test because turns out I could actually have it..and it could affect my chances to have children naturally - I know what it was like for my mum she has the same condition and so if i have it I’m scared even though things are different now they know more and have better options its still like D: It is like seriously though I’ve got two new things wrong with me although they havent yet like found the cause of the CNS dysfunction all the specialist could say is I hit some markers for Fibromyalgia but not enough but in her medical professional opinion I do have some form of CNS dysfunction but just not likely fibromyalgia my mum took me to see this specialist first purely because she has Fibro herself so she thought well lets start with an appointment with a rheumatologist who would like be able to check for fibro and a few other condtions. So I kinda need to like now see I think the next step is a neuropsychologist but like I’ve been so stressed and ill right now trying to fight for my mental health treatment/therapy so I’ve not been like exactly thinking about making appointments for the CNS stuff. But it is impacting me it makes me get involuntary like twitches/jerks it feels like a jolt like a little electric jolt i guess down my body but not painful as such but it just makes my body go like suddenly my arms jerked to the left or Ive thrown the food in my hand across the room because my arm/wrist/hand w/e has suddenly twitched or w/e but sometimes i get the like electric like w/e feeling its hard to explain it like across my whole body from my head to my toes and at that point it can lead to me just sort of on and off twitching a bit more like less aggressively but more often in a space of time i usually end up sleeping it off so idk really I pretty much just always pass out asleep when I get that kind of feeling. And like I wanna do stuff to like help ease his worries about money and the burden on him to support us financially and support me emotionally. But I’m not fit to work like not even a minor part time job really because I’d be so unreliable with the way my body is. I am also affected by sensory issues and other things so it’s just not I couldnt realistically right now engage in work for someone.  So I am trying to do like online things but I don’t...I...just I am getting kinda overwhelmed by that too. Cos I dont know where to start what to do. Like I do but I dont you know? I mean...idk...Ive sold 3 pairs of sloth socks which was cool in the past like 2 weeks or is it 3 now since like i started like really seriously uploading to redbubble like before that I kept like uploading then removing my designs trying out different sites and so on I was trying to figure it out but I do now have it kinda figured out so that’s something. But now its like I’ve gotta get people to my freakin’ redbubble and its hard cos how an earth do i drive people to check out my store from the millions of others on the site. But also like I dont wanna like.. Idk I feel like and even though I have explained my situation on here I still kinda feel like I try to do it in a like not serious asking for help way in that i dont want it to come off as idk like I dont wanna be that person where its like i dont wanna be coming off as oh please help me feel sympathy towards me and feel sorry for me or pity me bs. I dont wanna be like appearing to be all I’m in desperate need pls help signal boost or buy to support me. Cos I’m not you know I have my parents to help we’ll be moving back in hopefully before xmas where I won’t have to pay rent. For me this is more about you know when my parents aren’t there I need to have an income for me and my partner hes disabled too...so full time jobs for the both of us is not likely especially if his EDS (edlher danlos syndrome) gets worse ya know?  So I suppose my worries arent like of imminent threat of anything but more like in the future we’ll be fucked if i cant set down the foundations now for the potential for a long term income from various online strategies. But just even thinking about the future and that far ahead fucking terrifies me.  Not only because of all this but because I never really thought about the future I didnt see one for myself as far as I was concerned I’d be dead or I’d be just...idk I couldnt even imagine a future or if I thought I’d make it I wouldnt really care you know because I didnt have like that light in me to want to live so it wasnt like I wanted to survive and thrive and i couldnt see a ‘happy ending’ for myself and now i can and I want to make that come true but of course its a bit hard to envisage a nice happy future with Kade when literally everything depends on having money to eat and have a roof over our heads etc and its just..UGH

I feel like trash too because I feel like my worth is valued by my output/labour and at the moment my output isn’t really bringing in cash right now so my output wouldnt exactly be deemed as ‘good’ idk its just weird its not like an I feel worthless thing like depression low self esteeem shit its more just a sort of social cultural consensus/belief that is ingrained that we are not really worth anything unless we’re contributing to society i.e working , paying taxes and buying things to reinvest in our economy etc etc..everything is about how much a human is worth in value of £ssss to big corporations and governments and rich people and idk its just like...they do have a point you know i cant just sit around and not do anything to contribute..because..then i feel like you know im not ‘sick enough’ to warrant that so im just in this limbo i guess completely self enforced by my mind which just makes it all the stupider but it is what it is. Venting this out has helped clear my mind some cos i mean at least its now out there in this void than just bouncing around my brain. Its why i write poetry too I guess idk why I just feel a release less tension SOMETIMES not all the time but sometimes it can help ease even if only slightly the chaos of my mind to just get it out there whether by chatting in person or writing it out like this just having it out there venting to someone or on a blog where people will read knowing like its not isolated within you still its relieving sometimes. So thanks for messaging me!  I hope you are having a good day so far! Idk timezones or where u r so it could be early there for you maybe your day is just starting..who knows! Its 2:37pm where I am right now though so I need to work  or try to...(yet again me feeling if i dont work constantly I be like failing at life) lol

[poison-shark]

Noa’s Siblings

[[MORE]]

Mateu Eduardo Ramires

Is 7 years older than Noa

Is Atlantean/ Portuguese/ Amazonian/ Japanese

Only exhibits the human and Atlantean sides

25 in season 3

ADHD

Has a deep resentment for his parents for being addicts, alcoholics, sub par parents, and also dying

Deeply respects Noa and treats her like an equal, despite the age gap, but still sees Aya as a newborn

Is very overprotective of both of them

Got mad at Aya for going to study on Themyscira and Noa for allowing it

Thinks Obachan is just a crazy old lady

His personality is a lot like their mom’s, but his morals are closer to their dad’s

Basically looks like he could kill you, but is actually a cinnamon roll

Looks a lot like their dad, but has their mom’s eyes

They’re a deep brown almost black

Noa is jealous of them, she hates her hazel eyes because they remind her of Ren

His hair is always a tangled mess

Is studying magic in Atlantis

Cried when he met Aquaman

Managed a way to get surface tv channels underwater and never misses a Coast City Clippers game or one of Noa’s concerts

Is frustratingly straight and sometimes forgets his sisters are not

“So meet any cute boys at school? If so, who is he? Where does he live? Who are his parents? What’s his number? I just wanna talk!”

“Noooooooo?”- Noa

*blank lesbian stare*- Aya

Is still super supportive and apologizes everytime

Even though she’s younger than him, Noa raised him

He didn’t realize at the time what was happening and how it was affecting her

Called Noa for every little thing his first year in Atlantis

But when he realized his little sister had taken care of him for the past 5 years of his life, including 1 year of adulthood, and he didn’t know how to do anything

He regrets putting her through so much pressure

Was not the person who realized this

That was brought about in a conversation with Queen Mera and Aqualad that turned awkward

Has not stopped apologizing since

It’s been 5 years

Still has not stopped

Reminds her he’s sorry once a FaceTime

Bonds with his sisters through surfing and basketball

Hates all lanterns of the emotional spectrum, but green

Especially red and blue

Has gotten really good at magic

Has always been good at magic, but like Atlantean party tricks his dad taught him

They used to cheer the girls up

Their dad had only begun teaching him serious magic a year before he died

When he got to Atlantis he realized just how far behind he was

Got specialized training from Queen Mera

Faced Atlantean “Purist” discrimination for his skin and fins

Caught up on five years worth of magic in a year

Is now training to be an Atlantean Ambassador under Garth

Is a social activist in Atlantis

No longer cries when he sees King Orin

Actually babysits the little prince every once in a while

Is protective of Queen Mera a views her as a second mother

Would never tell her that

She already knows and has already mentally accepted him as her other son

Is trained in combat

Not only by Mera, but also their parents

They were paranoid and knew their kids would be in danger, so they all knew some form of self defense, except for Aya

Dislikes superheroes in general except for Aquaman, Tempest, Wonder Woman, and the Green Lantern Corps

Loyal to his country, his heritage, and views green lanterns as space cops

Ren Elpídio Ramires

Dead

Died at age 7

Was best friends with Noa

Even though he and Noa can’t be identical twins they looked almost the exact same

But y’know with scales

Looks takes after all sides of his heritage

Shy boi

Also anxious

Like all the time

Despite the super strength and speed he was always super gentle and liked to take his time and enjoy life

Dyslexic

Always had trouble reading and writing, but loved stories

Noa used to read him to sleep from the top bunk

He was a really good storyteller and had just as much imagination as his sister

They would come up with grand adventures and Noa would write them down while he drew the pictures

They were comic books

Ren loved comic books

And superheroes

Specifically Aquaman and Wonder Woman

And of course the mighty and brave blue, red, and green lanterns of Sector 2814

Had trouble making friends in school so Noa made them for him

He had a really bad stutter

Got picked on a lot for a lot of different reasons so Noa got into a lot of fights

Loved insects

He cried when Mateu tried to force Noa into killing a spider (I know spiders aren’t insects don’t come for me)

Noa set it free outside

A cuddler and a hugger

No one is safe not even the mailman who he knows by name

Hides behind Noa whenever yelling happens

Yelling happened a lot some months, none others

Was terrified of Aya

Had never seen a baby before

She looked like an alien

Freaked him out a little that’s all

Warmed up to her soon enough

Cried when she cried

Her crying used to wake up both him and Noa at 2 am, who would attempt to wake up their parents to deal with it

Their attempts were waved off

“Let her cry it out”

They did not

Noa would remove the newborn from the crib and rock her while he fixed her bottle

He was too scared to drop her to hold her

Noa would burp and change her and they’d both sing to her until she fell asleep

Was the only other person in the house other than their mother who could handle Aya’s grip

I like to think if he hadn’t died he’d have joined the Indigo Tribe (lanterns of compassion)

Now for the sad part

Their parents had dropped them all off at Obachan’s house as she was their closest relative

All the little ones knew was that they had to go on a ‘work trip’

Thought Obachan was silly and old and reminded him of his mom

The first day was great

She fed them ice cream for breakfast and pizza for lunch and sushi for dinner and let them stay up late and eat wasabi candies for dessert

The next day was not so great

The twins woke up at 1 am puking their brains out and running high fevers

Obachan panicked and didn’t know what to do

She was drunk and didn’t want Akari to never see her grandkids again

The other day she didn’t know she had grandkids

She wanted her daughters trust back

Even if Akari did live Obachan would not have earned her trust

She decided she would drive them to the hospital like a good grandmother and left Mateu to clean up and look after Aya

She was uber drunk and exhausted bc even kind of dealing with two barfing 7 year olds is the most parenting she’d ever done

They came to an intersection

She ignored the red light

She didn’t see the flat-bed

The truck couldn’t stop

It t-boned the tail end of the car

The crash caused Obachan and Noa to fall unconscious and gave Obachan some serious neck and back issues

But the impact snapped Ren’s neck instantly and his limp body fell onto the middle car seat

Hazel eyes wide

The twins were still loosely holding each other’s hands when the paramedics came after another driver passed by and found them

The other driver involved in the crash was flung through his windshield bc he wasn’t wearing a seatbelt

Noa came to briefly while being carried into an ambulance

She looked at the lady carrying her and asked, “Ren?” Before passing out again

At the hospital when she had been treated for everything she woke up again with a start calling for Ren, her parents, Mateu, anyone, but mostly Ren

Obachan hadn’t woken up yet

The nurse who came in asked her for as much information as Noa knew or could remember

She answered every one and asked a thousand in return

The nurse finally told her that her brother had died

She threw a fit

They couldn’t calm her down she screamed and cried so much she puked again

They had to sedate her

When they told Obachan her first thought was of how Akari would never speak to her again

He was buried with his parents in the Coastville Cemetery

Noa visits by herself every Sunday and lays flowers down and talks to no one

Aya Emi Ramires

Well, that was depressing now here’s the baby!!!

Aya was 3 months old when everybody died

In season 3 she’s 11

She takes after her Amazonian heritage

Dyslexic and ADHD

Sees Noa as basically her mom

Doesn’t agree with Mateu a lot, but respects him

Also has their mother’s eyes which tortures Noa

Generally reminds both of her siblings of their mom and of Ren

She doesn’t know that, but that’s part of the reason they’re so overprotective

Noa raised her to have fun and enjoy life and not take shit from anyone

Is really good at sports

This is encouraged by Noa who is literally the captain of the cheer squad

Gets made fun of and picked on by a lot of kids both boys and girls for her strength and speed, her learning disabilities, being Japanese, and being gay

Yeah

Aya gets into fights a lot

Noa shows up to the elementary school with Obachan who pretends she can’t speak English

Noa’s former principal is now afraid of her

Aya’s outlet for anger is sculpting believe it or not

She’s pretty talented too

Isn’t really into superheroes except for green lanterns and Wonder Woman, Troia, and Wondergirl

Gets bad grades even though she’s incredibly wise beyond her years

Doesn’t get along with kids her own age

They bore her

Figured out she wasn’t straight pretty early on with a crush on Molly from Bubble Guppies when she was four

Noa also kinda normalized girlfriends with her sister talking about girls and boys at school she had crushes on

Realized she was probably a lesbian in 3rd grade when she realized she wasn’t growing out of her boys are icky phase like her sister had

Confirmed 5th grade lesbian

Does not like being treated like a baby

Eventually the question came up about what happened to their parents at family dinner

Obachan steered herself out of the kitchen right when she was about to enter it

Mateu curtly and accurately responded with, “They died.” Before tossing the dishes into the sink and sulking off to his room, slamming his door shut

Noa explained the best she could to the 5 year old, but it was hard for a 12 year old to form the right words

Also informed her of Ren in a very watered down way

Aya knows Ren existed and was Noa’s twin, but doesn’t know exactly how he died

She’s seen their comics though

Noa used to read them to her

Mateu used to stand outside the door secretly listening and trying not to cry

Is very affectionate with Noa

Will hug and cuddle her until she falls asleep

Noa forgot how rib-cracking Amazon hugs were

She’s glad Aya’s there to remind her

Aya mildly resents Mateu for leaving for Atlantis

More for leaving Noa to handle her alone

Is just as protective of her siblings as they are of her

Worries about them constantly

Especially Noa bc she’s human

When she turns ten she decides she wants to study in Themyscira where she’d be better accepted than her normal school

She was right

A lot of thought went into that on her part

Noa’s music career was skyrocketing, she had school to think about, extracurriculars, scholarships, taking care of Aya, taking care of Obachan, taking care of the cats, handling the shop, putting out new music, new videos, photo shoots, socializing with her friends, charity benefits

It took accidentally overhearing Noa have a breakdown to actually set her mind on the Themyscira decision

She brought it up to her sister who was heartbroken and the idea brought up a lot of Noa’s insecurities, but in the end Noa said yes

Noa set the whole thing up through her new friend, Garfield Logan, who was more than happy to help

Aya lives with their great-grandmothers on Themyscira

She was happy to see that they were 10x more stable than Obachan

She studies all the classics, receives combat training, has been learning Ancient Greek, and her skill with dealing with her learning disabilities has improved and even aided her in some subjects

She FaceTimes her sister everyday and Mateu every month when he checks in

She watches every one of her sister’s concerts even during training, and which she gets reprimanded for

Has asked her sister if she can meet celebrities

Noa says next time she visits she can meet whoever she wants

Her hair has lightened to a lighter brown from being out in the sun all of the time

Has entered both the dreaded horse phase and dolphin phase

[neutralvlddiscourse]

In defense of Sheith: Power imbalance, brother figure, truth about media influences

Power imbalance is an argument used by Klantis against Sheith. It states that Shiro is 7 years Keith’s senior and his mentor, which warrants it an unhealthy ship. The argument is perfectly logical, but it remains abstract in nature. I will be using the argument in an abstract manner against Klance first, then I will be addressing the theory’s application in reality.

Power imbalance as a argument falls to invalidate Sheith as it will also invalidate Klance. Power imbalance is found in all relations, from friendships to relationships and familial relations. There are also instances of power imbalance in Klance, for example, Keith is known to be a superior pilot compared to Lance, while Lance is known as the sharpshooter of the team. Keith is held in higher regards for his piloting skills, which causes Lance to express some of his jealousy and bitterness through his verbal skills. Keith almost never defend himself against Lance when Lance makes fun of him because 1. Keith can’t be bothered/sees the truth in the abuse that Lance had hurls at him and thus doesn’t fight back (his character studies/metas often cite his insecurities as the reason, so essentially, Lance is poking fun at Keith’s insecurities eg calling him a dropout) 2. Lance often passes off his insults on Keith as a joke and thus other characters (including the audience) believes that it is simply a banter between characters and does not think twice of such incidents. It may seemed like a joke but they stays on Keith’s mind. eg his vlog talking about how he couldnt connect with people

The underlying power imbalance is due to Lance’s wit and the fact that he is pro-social. He knows the Vol-tron cheer because he hangs out with other people (it is a group cheer so one is only introduced to it in a group) while Keith doesn’t and thus he doesn’t know the cheer. Keith’s cluelessness is stemmed from his ignorance of cheering, a people-activity that he had unlikely been a part of, so Lance is more priviledged in that aspect. Keith’s ignorance of said cheer was also the joke in that scene, and Lance had mocked him with “we will work on it” like Keith is an idiot and that he was supposed to know what Lance was talking about. It was a scene where the audience laughed at Keith, and since Keith doesn’t understand what’s going on, he is not laughing along, and that’s a code red when it comes to jokes. One can joke at another’s expense if it is consensual and that everyone is having a good time. Furthermore, it is an issue that Keith brings up probably months after that incident and blamed it on the fact that HE couldn’t connect with people, not because people didn’t bother explaining/teaching him how to better socialise. Lance’s superior wit and social skills had been used against Keith in this simple scene.

(before yall lance stans get on my ass ill let you know that i love lance, but what he did wasnt very nice. yes it is just a kids show, but sheith is being held to a high pedastal while lance isnt. it is just hypocritical to dismiss this incident as a case of abuse due to power imbalance just because you love lance.)

Now onto addressing Shiro’s mentor status and his brotherly role. First of, I believe that it is not the best idea for one to date their mentor/brother figure as it is a breeding ground for grooming, however love also means trusting that said grooming doesn’t happen, love also means to not groom. A simple example, your parents are far wiser than you, older than you, richer than you etc but they don’t use it to groom you (unless they are abusive). People are not passive objects that let theories unfold on them, we make choices to not hurt others. An abled body person has certain priviledges over a physically-disabled person so that does mean that they aren’t allow to fall in love and get married? That is ableist and condescending towards people who are less priviledged.

From a more psychoanalytical POV, dating a brother figure is considered to be rather perverse, but we must be reminded that modern psychology is built on extremely Western values/culture. In Northeast Asian culture, it is perfectly normal and romanticised for a 3rd year high school male student to want to date a 1st year high school female student and vice versa. In my schooling experience, some pre-teens and teenagers have formed pacts where they address each other as a brother/sister and care for each other as such. Some of them also ended up dating their ‘older brother’. This clique behaviour is paralleled in Western alternative culture where wolf-kins form their community and goes around doing stereotypically wolf stuff and treat each other like brother/sister in their pacts. This pattern is believed to aid in teens’ identity-formation and thus normal in puberty, where teens try to find themselves outside of their home/family which could include forming familial ties with other non-family peers. Given Keith’s age, this could explain why he said that Shiro is like a brother to him, it is basic teenage psychology and if you don’t know bat shit about it and assume that Keith thinks of Shiro as a literal brother, then you’d be pretty dense. He could have been just expressing a hyberbole to get his intense feeling across during an occasion where someone he loves is literally leaving him, he’d express his deepest feelings for Shiro to stay.

In Western vocabulary of sexuality, it is often commented upon men that they’re ‘a daddy’, or ‘an uncle’, or ‘a bear’. (okay granted uncle would have been more in niche communities and you might not have heard it before but im just trying to make a point here) It doesn’t mean that someone literally wants to fuck their dad or a bear, but rather the person they’re describing bear attributes to maybe a dad or a bear. One may argue that ‘oh you’re fetishizing bears/fathers’ and no, they’re not, they’re fetishizing a trait associated. I am an Asian woman so I know fetishization and its impact better than most of yall Klantis. I know fully and well the impacts of fetishization but fetishizing bears/fathers have no social cost. (also data on klanti’s overwhelming white demographic: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSeNLlB64PD9k0bxG1bw3Crq5DE_VQhY_on_orWtuGIogN9gAQ/viewanalytics)

In Northeast Asian vocabulary of sexuality, ‘father’ and ‘bear’ are unheard of, but ‘brothers’ and ‘sisters’ are. (Feel free to correct me, I got my sources from reality TV shows/dramas lmao media shapes sexuality so it is valid evidence) Nobody wants to fuck their siblings, in fact, they think that it is really gross. It is like watching those sister-centric anime and be like “oh shes hot” but when they think about their actual sister they’d be like “lmao ew wtf my sister is gross af” and they will start listing at least 100 things about their sisters that they hate. Again, people are not passive objects that just swallow whatever media tells them. In fact, media can be used to deter such perversions. Eg if you are a child and you’re watching some serial killing movie, you parents would frown upon and condemn it. This is socialisation, where one sees something and then process other’s reactions to it to cement their beliefs. If you see pedophilia on TV and everyone around you are like eww wtf, you’re most likely to follow it as we are social creatures.

This is why I am fuckin pissed when Klantis attack Asian artists. We have different values/different take on sexuality. Just because modern psychology (with Western roots) says that it is perverse to date a familial-figure doesn’t mean that it is universal. (Therefore I argue that psychology is not an empirical science and the argument that Western Klantis propose are not to be applied to Asian Sheith shippers.) PLEASE LEAVE ASIAN ARTISTS ALONE. Stop forcing your values down our throat under the pretension of ‘progressiveness’. It is fucking insulting, condescending and racist. You have already colonised China, is it not enough? Do you have to force our beliefs to be aligned with yours, whilst disregarding our cultures? Are you seeking to colonise our minds? 

(If you still don’t understand why I am outraged, just read Freud and how psychology came to be, please, stop being so ignorant and harasse people for it. I will be addressing Klanti’s arguments from a sociological POV in my next post)

note: part 2 is justifying power imbalance since i kinda digressed on western vs neasian shippers out of anger 

[the-astral-clocktower]

do all the questions !!

All the questions? Sure, why not? Insomnia is making me its bitch anyway1: How did you choose your name?- originally I was gonna go with Lilith from Borderlands 2 because yes please to her entire aesthetic, but I decided to go with the more "normal person" name Maria. Partly because of the lead singer of In This Moment, Maria Brink (absolutely gorgeous, phenomenal singer, and the Black Widow album helped inspire me to live true to myself), and Lady Maria from Bloodborne (she's got a Tragic Backstory, feel disconnected from family due to traditions/ environment, and has regrets about who sent was). All in all, one is a person I admire to be like and the other feels like I'm looking in a mirror. Both are also women with blonde hair and I think I look damn good as a blonde2: What gives you the most dysphoria? -Facial/ body hair3: Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?- Most of the time, physical dysphoria. Social dysphoria still gets to me because I'm not out to my family and everyone in that group refer to me with childhood nicknames/ my "(grand) son/ nephew." 4: What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric?- Shower, shave, lie in bed and dissociate while playing mindless games on my phone 5: What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?- this is actually a hard one for me to answer. I was (in a weird/ sad reality) really sheltered as a kid, in the sense that I didn't even know transgender people were a thing until High School. I think part of it started when I began playing runescape in middle school; I chose a female avatar and went with a generic female name whenever someone in game asked for it. For some reason, I really enjoyed being addressed like that but chocked it up to being like 12. Similar thoughts came up again in HS when I was told on several occasions and by several people that I'd make a pretty girl; again, I took it as a compliment and it made me feel really good about myself. Other times were also when I was asked "what would you do if you suddenly woke up as a girl?" my answer was usually "go back to sleep and go try on cute clothes" and also being super jealous of girls at school dances (wanting to wear the gorgeous dresses/ heels/ makeup)6:When did you realize you were transgender?- January of 2014, when I had read on Tumblr about Leelah Alcorn. It was extremely depressing to read her letter and diary entries about her personal life; while reading everything, I kept realizing that I felt almost exactly the same way she did, and by extension that I was also trans7: What is your favorite part of being transgender?- just being able to feel comfortable in my own skin, and also getting to wear all the cute shit I wanted to in HS8: How would you explain your gender identity to others?- the people I have come out to, I simply as them not to use he/him pronouns because I outright don't identify as such. It's pretty simple9: How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed?- at first, I only told people when we were able to talk 1 on 1. As I've gotten more comfortable with my identity, I gladly come out to people that I'm comfortable around. I still need to come out at work which I'm avoiding for 2 reasons. The first is that I don't know how open-minded/ accepting my coworkers/ boss are; the second being that I want to get on hormones so that there's no turning back on what I say and how I feel10: What have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been?- haven't done anything with breast forms yet, probably gonna be uncomfortable though 11: What are your experiences with binding or tucking?- tucking is a hassle in general. It either falls apart quickly, or I ended up sitting down or walking wrong and hurting myself. 12: Do you pass?- I highly doubt it atm13: What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition?- optimally I want the full 9 yards. Hrt, permanent hair removal, SRS, and possibly feminizing facial surgery 14: How long have you been out?- I'd say close to 3 years15: What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?- only he/him and that's due to being oblivious for so long16: Have you ever experienced transphobia?- yes. A lot of internalized transphobia; but there have been a few times where someone will show me something they find funny, and it turns out to be in extremely poor taste17: What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?- I prefer gender neutral bathrooms, so I ended up holding it in for longer than I should18: How does your family feel about your trans identity?- don't know for sure, but probably gonna get disowned to some degree19: Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?- I don't plan on being 100% stealth, but I'm also not going to hide anything out of fear. Kinda like Don't Ask Don't Tell, I'll answer truthfully, but I won't go out of my way to explain it all20: What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?- "you know those weird thoughts to get from being addressed as a girl and the happy butterflies in your gut? Roll with it, tell someone that you want to see a Dr about it. Be prepared for a ton of BS, it'll be worth it in the end. Stay strong, kid"21: Why do you use the pronouns you use?- mix of "why should I be addressed by something that makes me feel like shit?" and "fuck off with this binary shit"22: Do your neurodivergencies affect your gender?- maybe, I think my gender compounded the divergences that were already there 23: What’s your biggest trans-related fear?- safety. So many trans people are attacked and killed that it makes me hesitant to even bother. But I'm known for being stubborn and having a devil may care attitude 24: What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition?- I've come out to 90% of my friends and I've got a therapist that's willing to write me a letter of recommendation to get me started on HRT. I'm currently looking for a DR in the North Tx area anyone knows one25: What do you wish cis people understood?- gender identity =/ sexual orientation 26: What impact has being trans affected your life?- it's made me rethink how I view issues in the world, but also more cynical 27: What do you do to validate yourself?- look at my ugly mug and the mirror after a hot shower and say "you're a boss and bitch, don't let up now"28: How do you feel about trans representation in media?- we need significantly more accurate portrayals29: Who is your favorite trans celebrity?- off the top of my head, I only know of Laverne Cox, so she's #1 by default 30: Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?- Leelah Acorn, the tragedy of her death allowed me to realize why I was so miserable for so long 31: How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online?- not much, if at all. I'm not super big on communities but that's only due to trust and self image issues 32: How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?- hopefully full femme made and keeping NB/ trans femme33: What trans issue are you most passionate about?- my mind is 100% here ATM because it's 4am, so I can't think of anything other than wanting HRT to be more accessible to people instead of having to jump through hoops 34: What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them?- safety first, pride in oneself second35: How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality?- I personally don't think it does but that's only because I'm a white person in the 20s36: What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression?- none at all37: Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither?- fem/ neither 38: What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?- only interested in women and NB people. In my head, I like the theory of being with a guy, but feel no sexual attraction to them39: Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?- no preference40: How did/do you manage waiting to transition?- think to myself "next paycheck, I'm gonna find a Dr and get this train moving"41: What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things?- google, tumblr and reddit42f Do you interact with other trans people IRL?- got a friend that I used to work with at pizza hit who's a trans guy. You know who you are ^.^43: Are you involved in any trans-related activism?- not really, but I do want to get involved

[cassolotl]

Self-diagnosis in relation to doctors, Tumblr, and the disability community generally

In which I continue to be baffled by people who are against self-diagnosis, complete with descent into a frustrated “get over yourself” rant at the end.

~

So a few weeks back I wrote a thing about doctors failing a lot of autistic people, and celebrating that autistic people are diagnosing themselves and finding community.

I’d like to add that getting formally diagnosed was really helpful to me, on a personal level and also on a practical one - having a bit of paper from a doctor saying I’m autistic has allowed me to have access to various services much more easily, and it’s also taken away any doubt that I am autistic and I do experience various legitimate difficulties as a result of that. It’s helped me to accept myself, and even though it shouldn’t it has helped other people accept me as I am too.

So yeah, I am accepting of people who self-diagnose but alongside that I do also encourage people to get formally diagnosed if they think it might help them. It’s not like you can’t accept and appreciate both methods of self-discovery, you know?

But the reason I’m here is to talk about the reality of seeking diagnosis and how that fits with self-diagnosis.

~

My story starts sometime last year. I’d been unable to work for about 10 years due to, basically, tiredness - since I was 20-21ish. (So by the time I started to feel my life was severely negatively impacted by this condition I was probably older than most people who get hassle for self-diagnosing on Tumblr, right?) I couldn’t keep a job or even volunteer work because I kept calling in sick for tiredness. In the end I gave up. The GP tested my blood and told me that I wasn’t anaemic and didn’t have a thyroid condition, so they slapped on me the label of chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS). There was no known cause or cure, and the treatment was graded exercise and CBT. She told me that with no other symptoms it’s considered by the NHS a psychological condition, and I supposed at the time that that meant it was psychosomatic, or like being unable to get out of bed due to depression. I was in my early 20s and not very familiar with the medical system, and I had no idea was autistic, and I just accepted the diagnosis. I was never really satisfied, because it felt like a cop-out, but I accepted it as best I could and moved on. I know now that CFS is usually not a condition on its own but probably a symptom with an underlying cause.

Fast-forward a few years, and I’d been diagnosed with autism and after some fighting the system I was getting support in my day-to-day life. I was around people who loved and accepted me, and I was getting therapy that was helping with, among other things, my autistic difficulties.

One day I noticed that my lower left leg felt weird. It was lighter and it felt kind of nice actually. It took me a few minutes to work out that this weird feeling was the feeling of a healthy, pain-free muscle. It felt weird, in other words, because it didn’t hurt. I had forgotten the feeling of no pain in my lower left leg. But the entire rest of my body felt this other thing - heavy, tired, unpleasant. You know, like normal, the way it feels every day from when I wake up in the morning to when I go to sleep at night. The thing that gets worse every time I walk around or up and down the stairs. I was so accustomed to pain that I thought pain was normal and how everyone felt, and a lack of pain wasn’t just a shock, it was difficult to recognise.

I realised that maybe my tendency to feel less tired and sleepy after taking painkillers might be a bit weird. I thought I was having a strange reaction to painkillers, in a caffeine way somehow, and I felt I shouldn’t take painkillers if I’m not in pain because that would be an unhealthy dependency.

But what if...

Everything is different when you’re autistic. I came to terms with the idea that my entire body is in pain all the time, and my brain has just stopped processing it as such. Even when I am paying attention and listening to my body and really feeling everything as best I can, I can detect no pain whatsoever. When it gets bad I feel like I have to go to bed and maybe nap, but when I get to bed I can’t sleep - and it’s because I’m not sleepy. I’m in pain, and I feel better for lying down in a nice comfortable bed in a safe place. And when I take painkillers, I magically feel better again.

Going to the GP about this wasn’t going to work. It could be anything. All-over pain could be a neurological problem, it could be cancer, it could be anything. I knew from experience that going to the GP with no other information wouldn’t work, because the fact that I hadn’t even been feeling the daily full-body pain I was in meant that unexpected diagnostic questions would confuse me and I would probably answer “I don’t think I have that” to everything. Yay autistic masking! \o/ She would say, as GPs have been saying to me for a long time, something like “I can write you a sick note and diagnose you with chronic pain but unless we have more symptoms to go on I can’t refer you to a specialist.”

However, for a while now I had been somehow connecting with people who had EDS. I followed people on Twitter who had it and even though I didn’t on a conscious level realise that we had things in common because they had pain and I thought I didn’t, I felt a kinship. I remembered the kinship I felt with autistic people before I realised I might be autistic too, and I made the connection.

For several months I self-diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS). It’s a rare genetic condition that affects your collagen, which in some people is very serious. Wikipedia told me that the classical type is experienced by 1 in 20,000-50,000 people. Surely it is really weird to leap to the conclusion, out of the blue, that I have this one very specific and rare condition? It seems so improbable. But when I looked at people with EDS, their lives were so much like mine. Their coping mechanisms and management strategies that they’d come up with deliberately to deal with their EDS were so similar to the stuff I was doing by accident just to get from day to day. If I had the same symptoms and therefore the same diagnosis it would explain everything that isn’t covered by autism and being trans.

So I went into research mode. It took months. That’s how it is when you’re autistic, alexithymic, and are very bad at self-reporting. The Beighton Score part was easy because they’re bodily tests you can do yourself at home with clear results - but for the rest, sufferers of chronic illness will remember the feeling of discovery that goes, “wow, I thought everyone had that?” It was much more difficult than that for me. For every symptom, I had to fight through layers of “but I don’t have that” and “okay maybe I have that but surely not more than most people” and “but if I had this surely my mum would have done something about it when I was a kid” and “I have this but I don’t dislike it so surely that can’t be a symptom.” Because when you’re alexithymic, sometimes you kinda lack the feeling that is like, this is unpleasant, I’d rather this was better, and actually maybe that’s possible. Sometimes things that cause other people great discomfort don’t even register to you as unpleasant. Yay alexithymia.

I had to trick myself into acknowledging my symptoms. I had to compare myself to other people in a way that wasn’t dismissing my own experience, which was a very new thing for me. “I experience this, yes, but have I ever actually heard anyone else complaining about experiencing it themselves? If not, it is probably safe to assume that my experience is unusual and causing me problems, therefore relevant to a doctor.”

I had a Google Document bookmarked in my browser, with headings for each symptom of EDS. I mulled the symptoms over in the back of my head for a long time, writing down symptoms as I became sure of them. Such is my symptom-normalisation that it took months to add these to my list:

Joints dislocating (or partially dislocating) without trauma such as a fall on a regular basis;

Dizziness and passing out from movement or exercise that shouldn’t normally cause dizziness and passing out;

Stomach aches pretty much every day.

During this process, the company who provide my support decided that my care plans didn’t fit their company policy of involving the service user in their care as much as possible. They rewrote my care plans to include constant references to me doing at least part of every activity, with a view to me eventually becoming self-sufficient and no longer needing their care. I explained to them that I was discovering that I had EDS, and could they acknowledge that sometimes I just need people to do things for me so that I had more energy to be independent on my own later. They refused. They said that they would not provide support for EDS until I was diagnosed. They said, in fakey neurotypical language, that they didn’t think I had EDS. They ended our contract over it, a couple of weeks before I was due to attend my rheumatology appointment, and all of this while constantly saying that their service was person-centred. Not that I’m bitter.

A lot of people would doubt their self-diagnosis and stop trying to see a specialist at this point. But I went through similar stuff when I worked out I was autistic and people with power over me didn’t believe me, so I kept going anyway. If I saw a specialist and they told me I didn’t have EDS, at least I’d know.

I started to say openly online that I had EDS. People with EDS accepted me immediately, completely, and without question. But I knew that there were people out there who would tell me that they wouldn’t take me seriously until I was formally diagnosed, and would assume (since I blog on Tumblr) that I was just doing it to get disability points or whatever. “They say they’re nonbinary, autistic, asexual, aromantic, and now they’ve decided they have a rare genetic condition. Yeah, right. I guess their oppression points aren’t getting them enough attention. What a special snowflake.” For serious, the frequency with which I am assumed to be a teenage girl will not be at all surprising to a lot of people reading this. My reluctance to disclose my age and gender online gets me accused of teenage girlhood by TERFs and Tumblr-haters all around, especially if they know I’m on Tumblr. In reality I’m 30, mostly post-transition as openly nonbinary with the kind assistance of the NHS, and formally diagnosed with everything I say online that I have. (I do have some things that I’m not formally diagnosed with, and those are MH things that I don’t trust the NHS with for many legit reasons and I don’t talk about them online much.)

I learned that the type of specialist professional who can diagnose me is a rheumatologist. Eventually I made an appointment with my GP and printed out my symptom list document for her. It began, “if you’re reading this I think you can help me get diagnosed with and treated for Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome.” For each symptom I described the severity and how often I experience it. From my 10+ years of GP dismissal for bad periods that turned out to be endometriosis requiring a hysterectomy, I remembered the magic words: “I’d like a referral to a [specialist] please.”

My GP happily referred me to a rheumatologist at my request, and I was on their waiting list for a few months. When I eventually arrived my document of symptoms was even longer; I’d managed to clarify a few more while I was on the waiting list.

I have told you this story to show you how long I prepared for my diagnosis appointment, how much effort I put into diagnosing myself and how much I had to know to even see a specialist who could diagnose me - and to emphasise how anticlimactic getting a diagnosis actually is.

The rheumatologist was very kind. He read through my document, which took a few minutes. And then he said to me, in neurotypical language so I’m hugely paraphrasing and he did not sound this rude in real life:

“I don’t know why you’re here. You know you have EDS, you don’t need me to confirm it. You know there’s not much I can do to treat you, and you’ve had it all your life so at 30 years old you have come to terms with the symptoms and you have lots of coping mechanisms and self-management techniques.”

He was kind and listened to my concerns. Here they are in bold, along with the rheumatologist’s response.

I’m not a doctor, I can’t ever be really sure, I wanted to talk to a doctor to confirm it because maybe I have something else kinda similar or I’m just wrong. “You have most of the symptoms, and you’re well-informed. You seem to be a pretty clear case to me. What can I do to help?”

Perhaps there are treatments or services that you can help me access? “It’s mostly a case of managing it all yourself at home on your own. Try to go out for a walk every day, and don’t rely on your knee braces because your knees need to get strong enough to support themselves and knee braces won’t help with that. But you will probably always experience this cycle of crashing and having to build up your strength again very very slowly. No one else can really help you with that.”

I’d like a bit of paper to show to people who want proof of my EDS, like the DWP (who provide income for disabled people in the UK) and support companies. “The DWP don’t care about bits of paper. They ask you to do a series of exercises like lifting your arms and moving your head around.”

This last one was difficult to hear, because the DWP would indeed declare me fit for work based on their usual tests, and the only thing that gets me out of that situation is letters from medical specialists describing my symptoms. Me describing my own symptoms is not proof enough. To put it another way, me saying “I experience daily pain all over my body” is not proof to the DWP, but a doctor saying “Cassian tells me they experience daily pain all over their body” is totally strong evidence.

The fact is that the support company who ditched me should not have needed a piece of paper saying I have EDS to provide me with support that suits my needs. They were happily providing me with support for autistic difficulties despite never having seen a diagnosis letter. They should have listened to me stating my needs, and then written care plans that suit those needs. But like the DWP, a piece of paper from a doctor saying “Cassian has these symptoms” carries more weight than me saying “I have these symptoms.” It’s kinda twisted, and my diagnosing doctor didn’t know it, but that’s how it is.

So basically, this is all to tell you that people on the internet totally trash self-diagnosed people on the internet, and say “I’m not gonna believe you unless you get a formal diagnosis, you’re making people who really have these conditions look bad, please stop” - but when you actually do get to see a doctor they have no problem whatsoever with self-diagnosis and they don’t understand why anyone would seek diagnosis for a condition that they already know they have. Doctors, they know, are for working out what’s wrong with you. If you already know the name of your condition, you don’t need to talk to them. If you are successfully self-managing and don’t need treatment, you don’t need to talk to them. And as far as they are concerned, you shouldn’t need to have a diagnosis letter to have your needs recognised and respected by companies and local authorities when seeking support.

“But Cassian,” some people will say, “you are quite a special case. You’re older and more experienced than most self-dxers on Tumblr, you did a lot of research for a long time, you did everything right. It’s a spectrum, you know? Your self-diagnosis was valid, but there’s a lot of blatant fakers out there on Tumblr.” NO SHUT UP. You cannot judge people on the internet like that! You know nothing about them and their life! And even if you feel doubtful of their self-diagnosis because of the way they talk about it or whatever else superficial reason, that doesn’t mean that they are making it up! You deciding that I am legit and they are not is PURE PREJUDICE and you can take your backhanded compliments elsewhere!

So like, let’s just go over that in very clear words so you know where I stand. I understand that diagnosis and disability and mental illness are complex and nuanced issues, BUT. Self-diagnosis doesn’t magically become invalid just because you say it does, and holy crap even if teenagers on Tumblr were giving everyone else a bad name no one would know because doctors and the DWP and local authorities and anyone who has any power over us at all DON’T H*CKING USE TUMBLR and have no idea that you think teenagers are making it up for attention. All of this tug of war between “self-diagnosis is valid (✿◡‿◡)~” and “self-dxers are attention-seeking Tumblrinas that give legit sufferers a bad name” happens in a little internet bubble that the VAST MAJORITY of people are blissfully unaware of, Jeeeesus Christ on a bicycle.

Okay, thanks for listening, I’m glad to get that out of my system.

~

[Also posted to Medium.]

[rwby-rants-and-theories]

RWBY - On Oscar, Ozpin, the White Fang, and Salem’s Inner Circle

Here we go, guys gals and nonbinary pals. The time has come for the final act of RWBY Volume 4. Are you combat ready?

Cause I’m sure as hell not.

Now with the volume coming to an end, we have good ol’ Farmboi heading god-knows-where after a long, haunting, and crucial ultimatum from Ozpin.

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Ehh, well, not quite. He just kinda gets up and leaves, lol.

Look, I get it. Oscar’s storyline needed to start at some point. He couldn’t stay in the farm forever while the rest of the plot kept progressing for everyone else at whatever rate that may be.

My problem is that there really isn’t any emotional gravitas in Oscar’s decision to leave the farm.

Consider: Oscar is an ordinary kid in Anima. The farm and his aunt are probably the only life and family he’s ever known. As far as one could assume, he’d never dream he’d ever take part in some Magical Global Conspiracy™ against the Forces of Evil™. Next thing you know, Ozpin swoops in and completely shatters the status quo (I swear to God, Ozpin’s kink is ruining teenagers’ lives, lmao). He makes Oscar question his sanity, his memories, and his own individuality. The only thing we’re ever shown of Ozpin trying to justify this is very weak consolations and vague promises of greatness. There really isn’t much in the way of dynamic between Oscar and Ozpin. Granted, Ozpin has most likely explained things to Oscar off-screen.

But that in itself is also quite problematic.

I understand that there are certain plot points and information that we, the viewers, aren’t supposed to know yet. In a story, there are certain pieces of information whose revelations are much more meaningful when delivered towards a specific character or group of characters.

Take for instance, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. In the novel, Harry encounters a book filled with intimidatingly advanced and much more effective spells and potion-crafting. The only thing he knows about it is that it was written by the titular “Half-Blood Prince”. Harry takes advantage of the contents of the book, and while at first he thinks his use of it is harmless, he eventually learns that the use of a method without having a proper knowledge and understanding behind it proves fatal. The consequences of the book’s misuse haunt him and the reader for the rest of the novel as he wrestles over the mystery of the true identity of the Half-Blood Prince. At the climax of the novel, he is confronted by the Half-Blood Prince, who reveals himself to Harry and the reader in a shocking and thematically appropriate plot twist that satisfies the reader, precisely because no one else within the story possessed the knowledge of the Half-Blood Prince’s identity and more importantly, because Harry, the person who has been obsessing painfully over this information, gets to react to it alongside the reader.

There is absolutely none of that with Oscar and Ozpin.

A lot of us were convinced that Qrow’s poisoning would lead to Team RNJR+Q running into Oscar near the end of the volume. RNJR+Q would provide solid proof of Ozpin’s story, forcing Oscar into action and help him and Team RNJR (and by extension the viewers) understand his role in the fight against Salem. It would have treated us to Oscar wrestling over leaving his life and family behind and RNJR learning more about the circumstances behind Pyrrha’s death, the Fall of Beacon, and Salem’s Faction from Ozpin himself, who must answer for manipulating Pyrrha and keeping Ruby in the dark about her abilities.

There was a lot about Oscar the viewer could have bonded with. He’s ordinary. Unsuspecting. He has a normal family in an aunt with whom he quips. We aren’t introduced to her at all and therefore we don’t feel her neither as an organic character with a clear purpose in the World of Remnant nor as any sort of part of Oscar’s life. She should be a big part, a reason for Oscar to not want to leave, and therefore make it so important and impactful when he chooses to do so.

Oscar left so abruptly. There wasn’t any proper build-up to his decision, nothing that could make the viewer feel emotionally invested in his departure. No “Oh, finally!” or “I can’t believe he’s actually leaving...” or “Now he can take part in the action!”

Moving on, we have Oscar (and Ozpin’s) meeting with Hazel. As he was instructed in the beginning of the Volume, he’s off to meet Sienna Khan, the current leader of the White Fang.

What strikes me so much about Hazel is that he’s someone who’s incredibly composed. He’s enormous and probably crazy strong, but if that’s all he was, no way Salem would have sent him to meet with the leader of the White Fang.

Salem: “And Hazel, I'm sending you to the leader of the White Fang. Adam Taurus has arranged the meeting. The boy continues to prove loyal. Ensure Sienna Khan feels the same.”

It could have been Watts, a man who seems to be incredibly proud of his intelligence and prowess. But instead, Watts was assigned to meet with Salem’s informant at Mistral (quite possibly the Headmaster of Haven or Sanctum, but a point later on in this analysis might refute this). Salem sent Hazel. This most heavily suggests that he is capable of conducting business and reconnaissance rather tactfully. Nevertheless, given that we know that Sienna Khan is meant to be overthrown by splinter members of the White Fang, I’m not sure how Hazel’s presence might factor into all this. Hazel was sent to talk to Sienna Khan, not eliminate them. 

This presents quite a few ways this meeting could go down.

Hazel will meet with Adam, who will propose assassinating Khan and taking over the White Fang to secure the loyalty and military manpower of the organization worldwide to Salem’s cause. (How this will affect Blake and Yang warrants a different discussion.) The coup takes place.

Hazel will meet with Sienna Khan as planned, who will comply with Hazel’s demands and further consolidate the relationship between the White Fang and Salem’s Faction. Adam might or might not proceed with the coup.

Hazel will meet with Sienna Khan as planned. Khan will refuse to cooperate with Hazel, prompting a fight. Khan is defeated and might be killed, prompting Adam to formally take over the White Fang for Salem’s cause.

Hazel will meet with Sienna Khan as planned. Khan either submits or stands up to Hazel. Hazel promises to return with an ultimatum. During this time, Adam executes the coup and either continues to serve Salem, or decides to use his newfound political and military power against Salem and the rest of humanity.

Hazel will meet with Sienna Khan. Khan complies. Adam is not involved with the coup. When the coup happens, the White Fang is thrown into disarray, weakening the integrity of Salem’s operation.

Knowing Corsac and Fennec’s familiarity with Ilia and the brothers’ loyalty to Adam, the last scenario is highly unlikely, but not entirely worth ignoring.

Back to Hazel though, there’s a lot of wisdom and perhaps even goodwill within Hazel. He sees Oscar struggling with the ticket dispenser and not only offers help with a rather tender initiative, but also counsels him on confidence and determination before returning to his task.

We’re also treated to something quite interesting: Ozpin’s reaction to Hazel.

When Oscar asks who Hazel is, Ozpin only answers with the cryptic “Someone from my past.”

Here’s the thing. I’ve spent the last couple of days rewatching the volumes. And something I noticed in 4x01 during the meeting of Salem’s Inner Circle, was how not only did Salem refer to Ozpin as “dear Ozpin”, but also how there were two empty seats at the table. Now, I don’t think those belong to Emerald and Mercury. They take their place by Cinder’s side or away from Salem’s Table whenever summoned. They’re not equals, they’re lackeys. Tools to be used at Salem and Cinder’s whim. If they truly were welcome at Salem’s Inner Circle, they’d take the liberty to pull up a chair and scheme alongside the Big Bads™. Now, couple that with Ozpin’s line to Ruby in 1x10.

“Ruby, I’ve made more mistakes than any man, woman, and child on this planet.”

Would those mistakes include serving a cause that may have begun noble and became twisted over time?

How much are you willing to bet that one of those seats once belonged to Ozpin?

Okay, yeah, that begs the question “To whom does that other seat belong?” For all we know? If we’re going for “Haven’s-Headmaster-Is-In-Cahoots-With Salem”, then that chair probably belongs to him. However, there’s two points that contradict this.

Haven’s Headmaster would have just taken Ozpin’s seat and was likely inducted after Ozpin left.

If the Headmaster is just an informant, there is no real reason for him to be part of Salem’s Inner Circle.

Well, Ozpin or no Ozpin, Hazel gave a peek to a different moral dimension to Salem’s Inner Circle. I’m convinced that Salem and co. aren’t doing evil things for evil’s sake. They act for reasons they truly believe to be righteous and necessary, otherwise, why would Watts, Hazel, and Cinder ally themselves with an epitome of darkness and destruction such as Salem? There’s always personal reasons, but there’s always a similar goal in mind that has bound them all together. Even Tyrian.

That’s the kind of villain complexity that RWBY both needs and deserves, and I’m glad we’re getting to see that bit by bit in Hazel’s personal layers and Cinder’s disability and recovery.

EDIT:

I thought of another outcome to Hazel’s meeting with Adam. Here’s another way it could go down:

Somehow, some or all members Team RWBY (either reunited or separated) get a hold of information about the meeting or happen to track someone who is attending it. They crash the negotiations, prompting a fight. This is where Blake and Yang have their rematch against Adam (which might or might not be their final encounter against him). The fight ends, Sienna is either rescued by Blake and enlists the help of the White Fang or is somehow left indisposed (death, injury, kidnapping), forcing Blake to step forward as the new interim leader of the White Fang.

[pinkpeccary]

all the trans ask game asks !!!!!!!!!!! or any five, if that's too many !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^-^

under the cut bc long

1. How did you choose your name?i still use my birth name irl, because it’s familiar and i like it, but i use ollie on here bc it’s the name i would change to if i changed. i like it because it’s gender neutral, leaning masc, but could easily not be. it actually started as a name for characters i made up, and eventually i realized i liked it enough to use it for myself.

2. What gives you the most dysphoria? (Acknowledging that not all trans people experience dysphoria)probably when people assume me to be a girl and refer to me as such. like it bothers me less if the person knows it’s not totally accurate, and it depends on the circumstances and the person and the word they use (i’m pretty okay with girlfriend or sister), but that’s the big one.

3. Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?i’d say more social, the physical stuff comes and goes and i can control for a lot of it with clothing

4. What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric?idk really, i think i just try to distract myself by being around people i trust and just doing something else to get my mind off it. if it’s a physical thing i might change clothes to something that makes it a little less strong.

5. What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?junior year of high school, when my trans male friend was talking to our theater teacher about the complications of passing and being out and shit and mentioned demigenders as a complicating factor in that it’s not as black and white binary as people think

6. When did you realize you were transgender?probably a few months after i started thinking about it, the process was a little weird because i went from “i’m a girl” to “i’m a demigirl” to “i’m agender” and so on, but yeah

7. What is your favorite part of being transgender?this isn’t true of every trans person, but personally i find it very freeing from gender roles and biases. because i’m fluid and have difficulty conceptualizing gender in the first place, i can kind of just respond to any “x gender does this” thing with either “that applies to me” or that it doesn’t, regardless of the gender they name. 

8. How would you explain your gender identity to others?i think i’d self-describe as genderfluid. idk what between, but i think it is fluid and it feels different from day to day. i can’t easily conceptualize how gender works, so most of my descriptions are based of vague feelings. lately i’ve been leaning masc (gender-wise, not necessarily presentation-wise).

9. How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed?i talked to my mom about it a bunch during the process and that was fine. i didn’t really tell anyone in high school because it never came up and i didn’t know how to bring it up. at college it’s fairly straightforward, it’s customary to share pronouns when you meet people here, so i say i use whatever pronouns and that’s that. i’ve only really gotten into the details of it with [k tag].

10. What have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been?haven’t really tried it, i don’t really get bottom dysphoria

11. What are your experiences with binding or tucking?binding works somewhat. i don’t like that i have to wear a shirt over the binder to really get flat; if i just wear the binder it doesn’t look as smooth.

12. Do you pass?i mean the obvious response to this is “as what?” i don’t read male bc i’m smol, have a round face and a girl’s name, etc. in terms of dress i think i’m probably read as queer in some way, because of short hair and occasional “boy” clothes, but idk what people think my gender is by looking.

13. What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition?i want top surgery. idk how that’ll work, because i’ve been trying to get it arranged for this summer but being home is a bad experience so idk how that’s going to work. also i haven’t looked into this much but getting rid of the ability to be pregnant would be A+.

14. How long have you been out?since i got to college pretty much, so about 8 months or so

15. What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?so the ones i can remember off the top of my head, in no particular order: demigirl, caedogirl, commogirl, agender, agenderflux, nonbinary girl, stargender

16. Have you ever experienced transphobia?only microaggressions, like people using overly binary language or assuming me to be a girl, etc.

17. What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?my college has all gender neutral bathrooms. elsewise it depends on where i am, if i feel safe doing so i’ll use whichever bathroom is free/closer because i feel like i can identify with both binary genders to the same extent in that case

18. How does your family feel about your trans identity?my mom’s supportive, so’s my dad as far as i can tell, idk if my sister knows and i don’t care, my brother definitely does not know bc i’ve never really explained it to him (and it would be hard bc he’s got some cognitive issues and is still kinda young so it would take a while) but he’s wonderful and i’m sure he would be fine with it

19. Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?i wouldn’t. i don’t want to read as binary in either direction.

20. What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?i wish i could’ve figured this out when i was like 10. i had major dysphoria all through puberty and ignored it on the basis that it was “probably just body image issues” and that i had “more important things to worry about.” i wish i could’ve known this was a possibility then so i maybe could’ve done something earlier.

21. Why do you use the pronouns you use?i use it pronouns. i don’t like binary pronouns bc i’m not binary, and i don’t like neopronouns bc they’re too weird for me (not that they’re bad, i just don’t personally like them). singular they sits weird in my head because it uses verbs in plural tense, even as a singular word. it is my compromise for that, as a singular gender neutral pronoun. it also has the added benefit of feeling right for when i want to distance myself from personhood, which i do as a mentally ill / autistic thing sometimes.

22. Do your neurodivergencies affect your gender?absofuckinglutely. i can’t conceptualize it. i really like things to make sense bc #autism, and gender doesn’t make any fucking sense. 

23. What’s your biggest trans-related fear?i don’t really know. i guess maybe people not letting me be who i am? idk. i’m in a pretty good place wrt physical danger, bc i pass as my agab, live in a pretty liberal place, and am v white. so idk.

24. What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition?ignoring gendered clothing, stopped having periods, telling people i use any pronouns

25. What do you wish cis people understood?i want them to know what it’s like to not be certain in your gender. i can’t understand what that certainty feels like, but it seems really strong in most cis people (and some trans people as well) and i want them to understand that not everyone has that.

26. What impact has being trans affected your life?i mean it’s a major part of my identity, so probably a lot, but idk specifics. 

27. What do you do to validate yourself?i really like the phrase “i’m the prettiest boy.” i’ll usually say that in my head when i’m having a good day, or like when i’m getting dressed in the morning and i like my outfit (even if it’s a girly outfit). it’s not technically accurate, bc i’m not really a boy, but i would prefer to be read as a boy than a girl.

28. How do you feel about trans representation in media?it’s pretty shit. there’s a couple good reps, but mostly you don’t really see it. also nonbinary rep is absolutely terrible.

29. Who is your favorite trans celebrity?ngl the only one i know is laverne cox

30. Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?idk

31. How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online?last semester i went to my college’s trans affinity space (this semester it conflicted with a class i’m taking). online i just kinda talk about my gender sometimes, i’m not really that involved.

32. How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?probably the same (autistic genderfluid), presenting boy-ish, etc.

33. What trans issue are you most passionate about?i have no passions 

(this is a lie i have many SpIns)

34. What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them?whatever you id as and whatever you feel comfortable sharing is totally cool and you are rad

35. How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality?i mean i’d honestly say my gender identity is probably a symptom of my disability. aside from that i’ve got the thin white kid privilege in that i look like the stereotypical nonbinary. i’m fairly privileged in terms of trans stuff based on location, circumstances, appearance, etc, so yeah.

36. What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression?i wear what i feel like for the day. i like sundresses, and usually think of myself as more “boy in a dress” though it definitely doesn’t read that way. sometimes i wear more boys clothes, and i think i just read kind of butch rather than “boy”.

37. Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither?i lean masc on the basis of i’d rather err on that end of the spectrum. it’s like a balance between how i’m seen and how i feel, and the “girl” end already has a whole bunch of stuff, so i’m balancing it out by being more “boy”

38. What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?in big words it’s grayromantic acespike. it’s connected to my gender in the sense that it’s probably also a result of being autistic. i’ve only really been attracted to one person (my current bf), and i guess the only comment i’ll make is sometimes there’s an implication that i’m not gay enough, not because of being a-spec but bc the only person i’ve demonstrated attraction towards is the opposite binary gender from my agab. so. that’s a thing.

39. Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?i really don’t care. [d tag] isn’t, and he’s wonderful, so i don’t think it matters to me.

40. How did/do you manage waiting to transition?i just kind of distract myself. there’s only really one thing i want to do, and i’ve been living with dysphoria for long enough that i can kinda just wait it out until it happens.

41. What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things?tumblr

42. Do you interact with other trans people IRL?i have a bunch of trans friends (not so much in my immediate friend group) but yeah

43. Are you involved in any trans-related activism?no

44. Free space! Answer any question you want, or make up your own question to answer.i don’t have the spoons to come up with a question rn but this was fun

[ontheedgeofrecovery]

Big realization

I think I have realized that I am going to need to go back into residential treatment when my disability resets at work. I traveled out of town to visit a friend for a couple days and there were several illuminating aspects around that trip that made me realize that, while I may be functioning and holding down a job, that I am still completely controlled by the ED. Buckle in – this is going to be a long one.

Let’s break it down.

Thing #1: I had to pack all of my own food. I could not even begin to think about eating anything other than my normal day to day foods. I know I have mentioned it before on this blog, but I eat literally the same exact thing every day. And it’s not normal stuff. It is all pre-packaged things like Quest Bars and yogurts that are pre-measured and with calories counts on them. I don’t actually have anything that looks like a meal in my day right now. I know most people are excited to show a visitor around their city and bring them to all their favorite places to eat. Which, we did visit one of her favorite restaurants I guess. Two of her friends came and I just felt like a freak because everyone ordered something and I got a Diet Coke. And also, my friend didn’t really get to show all her other favorite spots to me, because it would kinda be pointless since I don’t eat anything outside of the food I had packed in my suitcase. So much of visiting a new city is the dining out experience and I just completely cannot handle that. I feel the need to eat the same thing every day because it also cuts out the need to constantly be tallying calories. If I start to deviate from my plan than the calories counting starts up hardcore and I just don’t have time for that.

Thing #2: Scheduling eating times. I eat pretty much twice a day – upon waking when no one is around and then after midnight when everyone is asleep. I get enough calories in because I cluster eat at night. It’s kind of like binging, but not really. I eat a series of small snacks over the course of an hour and get in about 90% of my calories for the day. I am deeply ashamed and embarrassed about the weird foods I do eat, so I don’t want to eat around people. I also don’t like to have to eat during the day because it takes up so much brain power and makes me so anxious that I cannot focus on my job and interacting with people. For some reason it also feels like it doesn’t totally count that I am eating because everyone is asleep (I recognize this doesn’t make sense). Furthermore, if I eat all of my calories right before bed, I can just go to sleep escape the obsessive thoughts that follow. This was a little weird staying with someone, because I essentially had to hide my eating at night, because it is embarrassing. Luckily I was with a friend that knows me a long time, so I explained to her that I would eat my snacks alone in my room once everyone had gone to bed and she understood. But it looked weird to her boyfriend and son.

Thing #3: I could not just sit and relax. I constantly feel like I have to be doing something – being productive – on the move. My friend is a much more relaxed person. She will lay down on the couch in the middle of the day and watch an episode on TV. That is completely foreign to me. I do not sit during the day (unless I am working and have to be at my desk). I have never watched TV during the day. I didn’t know what to do with this. I literally couldn’t sit still. Part of it was that I was in a new city and I genuinely wanted to explore and not sit around an apartment and watch TV. And part of it was that I just felt lazy, unproductive, and concerned that I was not burning calories. I have my intake/output down to an exact science. And the ED was concerned that if I was eating the same amount of calories I always eat and not going to the gym/walking to work/taking the dogs for walks that somehow there would be an imbalance in the intake/output and I might gain weight (sidebar – for me gaining weight is not related to my appearance, but change in my body. I cannot deal with feeling different. I even have a hard time switching pants from day to day because they feel different on me. I will wear the same pants for a week at a time to avoid having to get used to the way a different pair fits). I logically know the body is not that sensitive and that 3 days of less activity is not going to have an impact, but logic really only brings the anxiety down a tiny bit. I also just feel a moral guilt if I am sitting around during the day doing nothing. Which brings me to thing #4.

Thing #4: My friend wanted to have a really low key day on the second to last day of my trip. Her boyfriend took the car, so we had no means of transportation. She thought it was the perfect time to watch TV and then take a nap. I could barely keep it together. She has mentioned before she was going to take a nap that she was craving homemade mac and cheese. And I was like, “I will make it for you, please give me something to do”. And she was like, “I don’t have all the ingredients”. But, I looked and there was a grocery story that was a little more than a half a mile away. It was hot as hell out because it’s North Carolina in the summer, but it was a perfect opportunity for me to get a nice walk in. Well, first, I felt the need to take the roundabout way to the store on purpose to add another half mile to the walk. But I made it and then made it back to her apartment pretty sweaty, but feeling better that I got out and moved. Time to cook the mac and cheese. Which brings me to #5

Thing #5 Cooking pasta for the mac and cheese. Now, I haven’t cooked pasta in a very long time because I don’t cook anymore now that I live by myself and everything I eat is prepackaged and does not require heating (with the exception of oatmeal). I couldn’t tell if the pasta was done and I know that eating a piece is a normal and customary way of checking if pasta is done. I couldn’t do it. I took a bite of half of a piece of elbow macaroni and literally spit it in the trash. Half a piece of pasta. I had a moment where I realized, if anyone saw me do that and asked why I spit out the pasta my explanation would sound utterly insane. That the calories in half a piece of elbow macaroni would be intolerable to add to my daily allotment of food. Insane.

Thing #6 The last thing was tonight. My flight got super delayed and came pretty close to not taking off at all. I was in a complete and utter panic about having to stay another night. Not because of work or having to get home to the dogs, but because I had only packed enough food for three evenings (yes, I also recognize that I count evenings and not days.. the only eating at night thing…). What the hell was I going to eat? This thought despite the fact that airports are completely filled with things to eat. There’s a restaurant and a convenience store every 10 feet. But none of it is MY food. I was really panicked.

So, that’s it folks. I clearly have some shit to work on. And I don’t talk about it with anyone because the majority of people in my life at this point didn’t know me when I was really sick. They know something is up, but they have no idea how bad it actually got. They expect me to function like any other human and right now that is taking everything out of me. I feel stretched. My job requires a lot of emotional fortitude and I just am wearing really thin. I am keeping it together, but only with my obsessive and exacting routine. I nearly came undone during that vacation and that scares me. I want to get help but there is just no way to do it right now. I feel really trapped and overwhelmed. I am torn between patting myself on the back that I am holding it together, that it may look dysfunctional, but it is working for me and keeping me afloat. And the other half is so mad at myself that I am still so stuck in this trap. I want to break free and live a normal and spontaneous life. I want to travel, I want to build new relationships, I want to be spontaneous, but I just can’t.

And one of the things that bothers me most, in very typical eating disorder fashion, is I don’t even look thin. All of these traps and rules and I look totally normal. I am within my weight range and no one would ever know the extent of my anorexia and it just makes me feel awful. I would think at least with all these rules I would be in a body I was a little more comfortable in. I am not trying to lose weight and I won’t go down that path, but I am just so deeply uncomfortable in my body. That’s part of my rules, I am trying so hard to prevent any further change. I feel like if I break my rules I may either gain weight or lose weight. And while I could tolerate losing weight, I cannot head down that path without completely destroying my life and career. And I cannot gain weight because I want to crawl out of my skin as it is. I cannot handle any more flesh on my body without wanting to tear it off. Dramatic, but true. 

Alright, this is getting really long so I am going to end it here. I just have a lot to think about.

[autism-asks]

Hi! I know “mental age” is an ableist concept but I’m an adult and I act more like a “traditional” 14/15 y/o and feel more like it, I use the term “mental age” to express that cause it’s too hard and makes me almost pass out anxiously to try to explain some of the ways my autism impacts my daily routine and how it’s hindered me in ways that some people don’t like, is it ok to call it that only when talking about myself? I’m genuinely confused cause if I can’t call it that then idk what to say

(@ the mental age anon I just sent) I have a hard time explaining things especially when I’m mostly semi to nonverbal so I just kinda get hurt finding out it’s ableist :(

(I sent the last 2 mental age anons) I’ve also been emotionally mentally and psychologically abused and have many mental illnesses so I feel like I have a right to say I have a different mental age because it causes many complications. Is age regression an ableist concept? I m really stuck and scared now cause I don’t know what to do and I’m extremely overwhelmed and scared

Unfortunately, mental age as a concept is one that has been forced upon disabled people rather being a chosen a label. Mental age is generally used to strip people of their humanity and used as an excuse to treat people terribly. As such, it is a very ableist concept. 

Whether or not you chose to use that language is up to you. Using “mental age” gives support to those who use the concept to dehumanize and abuse us, but if you truly think that this is the best language to describe your experiences, then that is your choice to make. 

However, if you would like alternatives, you could try saying something like “Due to the ways that autism affects me, I feel closer to 14-15 than my actual age.” 

I would also suggest considering why you think of yourself as 14-15. What about the way you feel and your actions is similar to a 14-15 year old? It’s not very specific language as all 14 and 15 year olds are different and there isn’t really a standard of what a 14/15 yo is like mentally. For instance, of the people I know in that age range, some are more mature than I am while others seem like they are still in elementary school. 

This gets back to some of the issues with mental age as a concept. When you say that a person is mentally a specific age, you assume that all people of that age have hit certain milestones or have some aspect of development in common. However, if you were to walk into a class of 14 year olds, you would find that there is a huge variation not just in physical appearance and size, but in maturity, abilities, and more. The concept of mental age is reductive and ignores the realities of the world. 

Of course, it is entirely up to you whether or not you chose to continue to use this concept. However, please keep in mind that your choice to use this concept does not erase the ableism tied to it. 

-Sabrina

As Sabrina said, the use of mental age to talk about the development and abilities of a person is very ableist as it’s generally used to strip people of their personhood, agency, and lived experiences. There is such a wide array of developmental stages and abilities at every age that it’s not even an accurate thing to say a person is mentally X age (also ignoring that a person has lived Y years and so is mentally Y years old regardless of whatever arbitrary developmental criteria is used.)

However, there is one place where the concept of a mental age that is different from a person’s body’s physical age can be used in a non-ableist and useful context. And that is in the context of trauma.

There are a few uses of it in psychology that are ableist in that they fall into the same pitfalls of locking onto what a person of a specific age is expected to look like developmentally. Trauma in childhood generally has an impact on development, which is how childhood abuse can often resemble the developmental delays found in autistic individuals from an outside perspective.

There is non-sexual age regression wherein a person assumes an age to help cope with and process trauma. This is not sexual in nature. Generally, “mental age” is not used and instead just “age” though. But this is a place where it could be used in a non-ableist context as the person feel like they are that age rather than being used to describe a person’s abilities.

The way in which I have personally used it and found it helpful is also in the context of a trauma reaction. When triggered, I often get mentally locked in the time & place where the triggered memory happened, and as such I also get mentally stuck in the age I was. It’s kind of like mental time travel. As such, saying I am mentally five or eight or fifteen is a quick way to convey where/when I am. - One distinction between this and the ableist use of mental ages is that this doesn’t rely on ideas of what development should look like, but rather other factors.

- Os