#kind of similar to another fic i wrote a while back

[asahicore]

real me, real you - psh

pairing. sunghoon x fem!reader (ft. jay... sorry)

synopsis. You’re your school’s popular pretty smart girl, but with a twist - you lead a completely different life at home, where you are messy, lazy and foul-mouthed. Only your family and best friend Sumin know about this, until Park Sunghoon, of all people, finds out. The resident cold and arrogant heartbreaker of your school decides to blackmail you into doing his biddings - but you can’t say no, not even when he asks you to be his fake girlfriend, otherwise he’ll ruin your reputation. But as you and Sunghoon get closer, you realize that maybe he’s not so bad after all, and you may be more similar than you'd originally though - all while your old childhood friend Jay watches from the sidelines.

genre. fake dating, high school au, very slight love triangle action, fluff and angst

warnings. this is the first thing i ever wrote so there may be slightly cringe and awkward things but i didn't wanna change anything lol, hoon is a meanie at some point and everything is dramatic and very fanfic-y, mild childhood trauma for both of them <3

word count. 22.9k

author's note. @end-hyphen genie this one is for you... i hope you still like this fic after all this time lol ! as i said in the warnings i only changed a few typos and punctuation from the original but i decided to not make any major changes bc i think it's nice to see what my writing was like when i had just started out!! hopefully i've improved lol, also this was not inspired by true beauty!! i've never seen the show nor read the webtoon. i was inspired by two mangas called switch girl and kare kano (or his and her circumstances) which have this plot of a girl being two different people at school and at home. anyways hope u guys enjoy this and if u do pls lmk <333

Nobody was supposed to find out.

You were the most popular girl in school, known for your looks, good grades, and kind personality. You had a nice group of friends and the whole school at your feet, students and staff alike. As the student representative, you had an image to keep up and needed everyone to think you were perfect; and they did. So you always wore a smile on your face, kept your head up and made sure your uniform was creaseless, all while maintaining the highest scores in your year. Always being friendly to your peers and helping them out prevented anyone from thinking you were a stuck-up goody-two-shoes. You made high school look like a breeze.

But such a life didn’t exist. Who was happy waking up at 6 a.m. every day and dedicating all of their time to schoolwork and student life? You certainly weren’t. What you thrived off of was having everyone think you were. Hearing whispers in the corridor of, “She’s so pulled together!” or “I wish I had her life”, now, those skyrocketed you to heaven. The cherry on top was a nod of approval from a teacher or an “outstanding job again, Y/N” as they handed you back your graded paper. Your favorite color had become the red of the pens your teachers used to write A+ at the top of the page. 

You’d always been academically gifted, but as you heard those words more and more, you’d started craving them and doing everything to hear them again until they started controlling you instead of the other way around. Everything you did needed to be perfect. And that was how you had created this persona of the perfect girl who had it all together at the ripe age of 17. But that’s exactly what it was; a persona. 

As soon as you stepped off the bus and waved goodbye to your friends, you became another person. Or more accurately, you reverted back to your natural self. You weren’t an evil person by any means; it wasn’t your intention to actively deceive everyone at school, it was more of a side effect of keeping up appearances. Only your family and your closest friend Sumin knew what you were truly like: greedy, messy, short-tempered, self-centered, and sometimes downright insufferable. Your younger siblings, Sunoo and Yeeun, liked to joke that you had a button you switched on and off whenever you left the house. When on, you were the sweetest girl ever, but when off, all your vices crept up and let themselves known to the world, or rather to your family. You didn’t mean to make them suffer, but after a long day of being perfect, you needed to blow off some steam; if they had to be your metaphorical punching bag, so be it. 

When Sunoo entered high school, you made him swear he wouldn’t say a thing to anyone. You trusted him and knew he wouldn’t let your secret out - it was too entertaining for him to see you act perfect at school and reveal your true self at home. There was no risk of anyone finding out - you were so intent on keeping the act up that nothing ever slipped you. It had been that way since middle school, and your senior year of high school was going to be no different.

Nobody was supposed to find out, so what was Park Sunghoon doing right in front of you in the frozen aisle of the corner convenience store, just when you happened to be bare-faced, with thick glasses on and a pimple bright red from just having been popped, in your comfiest pajamas, and a tub of Ben & Jerry’s in hand?

“Kim Y/N? Y/N, is that you?”

You froze in place, not knowing how to react. There was no way this, your worst nightmare, was actually happening.

When you regained your senses, flight seemed the best way out of this. You avoided Sunghoon’s curious gaze and curtly replied, “No, sorry, I don’t know who that is,” before walking away, iron grip on the ice cream.

But the boy was quicker than you and grabbed you by the wrist, forcing you to turn around. “It is you! Come on, Y/N, aren’t we friends? Do you not recognize me or something?”

If it wasn’t for the panic coursing through your veins at that moment, you might’ve laughed at his question. How could you not recognize the Park Sunghoon? Along with Park Jongseong and Sim Jaeyun, or Jay and Jake as they liked to be called, he was only the most popular guy in your year - hell, in the whole school. The three of them had gained attention from freshman year as the three handsome soccer players. Jake and Sunghoon had been attached at the hip since kindergarten, Jay joining them sometime in middle school when he came back from his year abroad in Seattle. 

Your parents and Jay’s had been college best friends and you two had therefore grown up together, and even used to be quite close. You’d grown apart when he joined Jake and Sunghoon’s friend group, and although you still got on well, there was always a bit of an awkward atmosphere when you caught up with each other.

The three friends had quite different personalities but their complicity and shared history made them stick together. Jake was known for his academic achievements, rivaling yours, and his friendly personality; Jay, for his surprisingly funny antics once you got past the somewhat menacing appearance (which he blames on his resting bitch face). Sunghoon, on the other hand, was as cold as ice, so much that he’d earned the nickname of ice prince, but girls continued to swoon over him due to his incredibly handsome features. When turning down girls, Jake and Jay always tried to let them down gently, but Sunghoon wasn’t one to hold back: he’d laugh in their face or straight up say no, staring them right in the eyes. Most confessions ended in tears (not his, obviously), but girls kept on testing their luck, thinking they might be the one to melt the ice prince’s cold, dead heart.

Clearly, you weren’t Sunghoon’s biggest fan.

His behavior had always made you wonder why Jay and Jake were friends with a person like him. They went back a long time, but how did Sunghoon not become a nice and approachable person like his two best friends? They both seemed so genuine, but he looked like he was hiding something. This was what had made you weary of him; you knew all too well how easily an image that was the opposite of reality could be created. So on one hand, you sort of felt for him, thinking he might be in a similar situation as you. But on the other hand, you couldn’t help but feel some kind of jealousy: if you acted the way he did, you wouldn’t receive half the admiration you did. Hell, you’d probably be hated for it - no one likes a girl that’s both successful and bitchy about it. 

One thing was sure, though, and that was that you wouldn’t call the two of you friends, as he just had.

“Y/N? You okay?”

The pure panic in your eyes must’ve made Sunghoon realize something was wrong. He released you and looked you up and down, trying to take your appearance in. The Y/N he was seeing right then was worlds away from the one he was accustomed to at school. 

You realized there was no ignoring him, so you collected yourself and faced Sunghoon. “Uh, yeah, hi, Sunghoon. Sorry, I just wasn’t expecting to see anyone I knew here.”

He chuckled. “Yeah, no wonder. You look quite… different from what you usually do,” he said, voice laced with sarcasm.

This whole situation got you dumbfounded. You usually knew exactly what to retort when somebody messed with you, your friend or a classmate, but this time, you were completely speechless. You just wanted to escape.

“Well, it was nice seeing you Sunghoon, but I need to get home.” You pivoted on your heels and started walking again, but Sunghoon had other plans.

“Aw, come on, so quickly? We barely got to chat!” He followed you through the aisles as you picked up the remaining ingredients on the list your mother had given you as quickly as you could.

“I didn’t know you needed glasses. Do you wear lenses at school?”

“Yes. I need them to see.”

“I figured.” You could hear the smirk in his voice, and your shock was slowly morphing into anger. Were teenage girls so blind that they’d have a crush on someone with such an abominable personality, no matter how angelic his face was? 

“I really like your outfit, by the way. Looks super comfy.” And as if your embarrassment couldn’t grow any bigger, he added: “Too bad you got a stain on the shirt.”

You looked down at yourself and noticed a huge grease stain on the collar of your shirt. Admittedly, you didn’t always have the best table manners. 

You swore under your breath. It was quiet for a couple minutes as you arrived at the register and paid for your items, Sunghoon still on your tail. He had apparently given up his purchases to focus solely on tormenting you. When you walked out of the store, you thought he might finally be done. But of course, he wasn’t.

“You know, my sister has this really effective pimple cream she uses. Do you want me to ask her what brand it is?”

That was it. You sighed deeply. “Alright, Park. What do you want?”

When you turned to face him fully, arms crossing over your chest and an obviously tired expression on your face, the mischievous glint in his eyes made you realize something. That idiot was enjoying this. 

Indeed, he beamed down at you. You had probably never seen him smiling so widely. “Wow, Y/N, didn’t know you could have such an attitude.”

You stayed silent and continued staring at him, waiting for an answer. He mirrored your pose, out of instinct or to irritate you, you weren’t sure.

“You know, when I moved to this neighborhood before the start of school, I was definitely not expecting to see Perfect Miss Y/N out in her pajamas buying ice cream. I thought you were more into, I don’t know, rescuing puppies from fires or something. That sounds like something you’d do in your free time.”

“Well, is there anything wrong with what I’m doing?”

“Oh, absolutely not! Just a surprising sight. Makes me wonder what the rest of the school would say…” He looked intently at you, clearly waiting for a reaction. You weren’t about to give him one, though.

You chuckled and rolled your eyes, shifting your weight on your right foot. “Yeah, like anyone would believe you if you said you saw me looking anything else other than perfect.” It might’ve sounded arrogant, but that was the image people had of you. Even your friends asked you how you did it - if only they knew the truth.

At that, his smile got even brighter. “Don’t worry about that, I won’t need to tell anyone. I’ll just show them!” He pulled out his phone, showing you a picture of you in your god-awful pajamas searching for your favorite flavor of ice cream.

He watched as your face fell, taking your silence as an opportunity to go on. “You were so engrossed in the tubs of ice cream that you didn’t notice a dashingly handsome and tall young man very obviously taking pictures of you.”

This put you into panic mode again. It might have seemed foolish, but you hadn’t worked for years to create a perfect version of yourself only for a stupid boy to destroy it all with one picture. 

You sighed and lowered your head, taking a moment to think. You didn’t know Sunghoon that well, but you didn’t put it past him to send that picture to everyone and ruin your image in the process. You opted for honesty instead of bluff. You took your glasses off and looked back up at him; even if you couldn’t see him as well without them, maybe he’d see the despair in your eyes better.

“Park. I mean, Sunghoon. You can’t show that picture to anyone, okay? You have no idea how bad I need to keep up appearances. It’s really important to me, so just delete the picture and let’s never talk about this again, yeah?”

You tried smiling at him, but his expression infuriated you. You could tell he had something else up his sleeve. “Now, Y/N, why would I do that? If I’m gonna do something for you, you should do something for me.”

You weren’t sure if you wanted to hear the rest of his thoughts, but you needed to know. Eyeing him suspiciously, you told him to go on.

“Well, I can’t think of anything right now, but I’ll let you know when I do, okay? I’ll see you around, Y/N.” He flashed another one of his smiles, patted your head, and walked away, just like that, leaving you standing outside the convenience store on your own, a melting tub of ice cream in your plastic bag. At least for now, you were safe.

Right?

—

“You saw Park Sunghoon? As in, the Park Sunghoon?” your little sister Yeeun asked, looking at you with huge eyes. You two and Sunoo were sitting on your bed, sharing the ice cream by eating it directly from the tub.

“Yes, that’s literally what I’ve been saying this whole time. How do you know him anyway? You’re still in middle school…”

“Are you crazy? He’s famous in our whole school district! I wish we had cute boys in my school as well,” she sulked, pouting.

“That’s not the point, Yeeun,” Sunoo chimed in, then turned to you. “Well, this is either bad news or the start of a beautiful romance.”

“Sunoo! Take this seriously! I’m in a huge dilemma right now.”

Your siblings shared a knowing glance and snickered.

“Hey! I’m right here. I’m not overreacting, you know. If he does send those pictures around, I’m done for.”

“Oh, come on, Y/N, you’d be so much better off if you could be yourself at school. I see you there almost everyday, and the way you laugh always sounds so fake. Nobody would care if you forgot to put makeup on one day or had a crease in your shirt. If anything, it’d make you look more human.”

You could see where Sunoo was coming from, but you chose to ignore it. You sighed deeply. “You guys just don’t get it. They all see me as this perfect, put-together girl. If I showed them even a glimpse of the truth, everything would shatter. It’s too late to go back now.” You ignored their pitying looks and took another big spoonful of ice cream.

It was their turn to sigh. As always, it was impossible to reason with you. Deep in your thoughts, you added: “You know, there was something really off about him today. I’d never seen him act that way before.”

Your siblings looked at you questioningly. “He’s always so cold and distant towards everyone. I’ve only seen him smile when he’s laughing with Jake and Jay or when he makes fun of someone. But just now, he kept smiling at me like he was having fun. He even patted my head when he left.”

At that, Yeeun swooned dramatically, hands over her heart. You looked over at her and said, “I’d be swooning too if it was any other guy than Park Sunghoon. I’m more confused than anything right now, he was a completely different person from when I see him at school.”

They exchanged another look. “You guys stop doing that!”

“Well, it’s just that that sounds an awful lot like someone I know,” Sunoo replied. Realization hit you and you scoffed, mildly offended. At least you were nice to others at school and didn’t act like an asshole with a superiority complex.

“Anyway,” he continued, “what will you do about Sunghoon?”

“I’m not too sure. I guess all I can do is wait and see whatever it is he could want from me.”

“Yeah, do that, and then date him, please. If I can’t have him as my boyfriend, then I’ll have him as my brother-in-law,” Yeeun joked. You didn’t have it in you to retort anything back and started laughing along with her. 

If everything did shatter, at least you’d have your siblings to make you laugh.

— 

The next day, you made your way to the bus stop after your daily morning routine: jogging, showering, eating a filling breakfast, choosing the perfect accessories for your school uniform, applying just the right amount of makeup and going over your subjects and tasks of the day. As always, efficiency is the key. You had become so used to this routine that your body did it on its own, which let your mind wander wherever it pleased. Usually, you’d use this time to prepare yourself for the day ahead, but today, the only thing on your mind was Park Sunghoon. What was that boy up to? Was he up to anything, or did you completely imagine his mischievousness yesterday? In any case, you hoped it would all be over soon. 

You got on the bus and sat down next to Sumin. Your close friend group at school consisted of her, Park Sieun, Lee Heeseung and Choi Jiung, but she was the only one who knew about your secret. You had been friends for so long that you hadn’t even been able to hide it: she’d seen you from all angles, both before, during and after your transformation to who you were now. It was nice having someone else than your siblings to rely on and tell everything to. 

“Minie, you’ll never guess what happened yesterday. I ran into Park Sunghoon at the convenience store next to our apartment unit.”

She raised her eyebrows in surprise, but her reaction wasn’t as big as you thought it’d be. She smiled and said, “Huh! I knew he’d moved to our neighborhood, but I wouldn���t have thought he’d live so close to you that you’d even shop at the same place.”

She registered your confused expression and continued. “Didn’t you hear? He moved out of his parents’ house at the end of summer. Something about a huge fight with them that made him move out. But there are always so many rumors about him and his group that I don’t know what to believe.”

“Oh,” you mumbled, unsure what to say. Now that you thought about it, Sunghoon had mentioned moving in your conversation yesterday, but you were so preoccupied with him seeing you in your wild state that you hadn’t paid much attention to his comment.

“Wait, did he do something? Your face is telling me he did something.”

You got closer to her face and gestured for her to do the same. With lowered heads and in hushed tones, you said, “He saw me on off-mode.”

She gasped and jolted back in surprise, eyes wide and eyebrows shooting straight up. “What?”

You shushed her and pulled her in by her shoulders. “He even took pictures.” Your grip tight, you held her from jumping again. “That’s not even it. You know how he's always really cold and distant?”

“You mean how he’s always being a douchebag?” She scoffed. “Yeah, I know.”

You remembered that Sumin had been one of the first of many girls who shot their shot with Park Sunghoon, only to get rejected. You both grimaced at the memory that always left a bad taste in your mouth.

“He was completely different yesterday. Kept following me around the store and, I’m not sure, teasing me? Like trying to get a reaction out of me? In a weird half-friendly half-bully way.”

“Hm, you’re right, that doesn’t sound like him,” she mused. “It does sound like a stupid teenage boy though, which I guess he is, no matter how hard he tries to pretend he’s not.”

This is what you loved about Sumin. She could see right through people, and never hesitated to say what she thought of them, especially when they acted the way Sunghoon did. Sure, there were some personal feelings attached there, but she had quickly gotten over them when she realized how much of a douche he was towards everyone else.

When the bus stopped to pick up some more students, Heeseung hopped on. You quickly told Sumin to keep it a secret, at which she smiled and made a motion as if zipping her lips and throwing the key. If you told your friends about Sunghoon, you’d have to tell them the truth about how he had dirt on you, but you wanted to keep your friendship clean. You chatted the rest of the bus ride away and tried not to worry over Park Sunghoon too much.

When you finally got to school, you, Heeseung, and Sumin made your way to your classroom to join Jiung and Sieun. Before you could get there, however, Jungwon, an underclassman you had talked to a couple times for student council meetings, called out your name. You told your friends to go on without you and turned to the younger boy.

“Jungwon! Hi, what’s up?”

He seemed flattered that you had remembered his name but quickly got on with his business. “Um, I’m not sure why, but Sunghoon told me to come and get you? I’ve never talked to him, I think he just picked me randomly and assigned me a task…”

You sighed. Park Sunghoon truly was something. “Thanks for telling me, Jungwon. I’ll make sure he gets an earful for this, he has no right to boss students around like that.”

Jungwon’s eyes doubled in size as he frantically waved his hands in dismissal. “No! No need to do that, I don’t want to get in trouble with him. I’m just here to relay the message.” At that, he scurried off, and you headed towards Sunghoon’s homeroom. 

When you walked in, a few people were in the room, some girls gossiping with each other, a couple students doing some last-minute revision for a test. You found Sunghoon sitting at his desk, snickering with Jay and Jake and hoped that the subject of their laughter wasn’t you. They noticed you approaching and the two decent boys greeted you; the other one eyed you, that mischievous glint back in his eyes. What could he possibly have in mind?

“Hi, guys.” You smiled at Jay and Jake and reflexively stood closer to Jay. “Sunghoon, Jungwon said you wanted to see me?” you asked, trying to keep your impatience at bay.

“Oh, was that his name? Well, thank heavens for him, ‘cause I forgot my lunch at home. Would you be a sweetheart and go buy me something at the cafeteria? You know how everything runs out as soon as lunch period starts, and I get really cranky when I’m hungry.”

You stared at him, wide-eyed. His two friends’ reaction wasn’t very different from yours. Go buy him lunch? That’s what he wanted you to do?

“What? You don’t want to? That’s too bad, cause there’s a picture I think everybo-”

You cut him off before he could finish. “No! Of course I’ll do it! Can’t have our star player go hungry, now can we?” You cringed at your own words and Jay eyed you suspiciously. Sunghoon beamed, and Jake’s eyes darted back and forth between the two of you in pure confusion. “Um, any preferences?”

His smile got wider. “A tuna mayo would be amazing. Thanks, Y/N! You’re the best!”

“Sure…” you mumbled and quickly walked away, more bemused than ever. You checked your watch. You had 10 minutes before the first bell rang, and you could not be late for class, which meant you needed to hurry. 

You got back to Sunghoon’s classroom just a minute before the first bell. To your dismay, the class was almost full, and girls had gathered around him, trying to get his attention, but he seemed unbothered by their presence. You braced yourself and walked towards him. As your presence rarely went by unnoticed, most eyes were on you and Sunghoon. Not only were you two some of the most popular kids in school, you also happened to be handing him his lunch, a never-seen-before sight between the two of you. 

“I also got you banana milk, for good measure…” 

What had seemed like a great idea a few minutes ago, something to appease the devil in him, now felt like the biggest mistake of your life. The girls around him started whispering left and right and you weren’t sure whether they felt bad for you, sensing an incoming rejection, or wanted to tear you to shreds for even trying. 

The whispers grew even louder when Sunghoon took the sandwich and milk from your hands, thanking you with a smile. You’d be lying if you said your heart hadn’t done a small jump in your chest at that moment. As much as you hated to admit it, if looks were the sole factor for popularity, then you could definitely understand why Park Sunghoon was so loved. His face looked like it had been carved by the gods themselves. When his eyebrows weren’t turned in a frown, his eyes looked almost sweet, especially when he laughed. His two moles gave him so much charm, the curve of his nose was so delicate and his pink lips looked so, so soft… 

You cleared your throat and smiled back at him before turning around to walk to your own classroom.

“Wait, Y/N!”

You turned back around, all eyes on you. You could feel Jay’s eyes burning holes into you. Sunghoon was still smiling. You thought you’d seen him smile more in the past two days than you had in all the years you’d known him.

“I’ll see you later.”

—

And indeed see him later you did. You always hung back a bit after classes ended to get homework done or work out student council issues. Being in an empty classroom brought you some peace and quiet, very different from the busyness and noise of your home. You couldn’t even focus in your own room, your siblings or parents always barging in to disturb you. The after-school janitors now knew you by name and saved cleaning the classroom you were sitting in for last. 

You had been barely sitting there for 5 minutes, nose buried in a math problem, when Park Sunghoon graciously strode in, swung the chair in front of you around and sat on it, arms crossed over its back as he peered at you. You didn’t even bother to look up at him as you spoke. “What, Park?”

“Oh no, back to last name basis already?” he joked. You didn’t laugh. He cleared his throat awkwardly. “Wow, tough crowd. Anyways, thanks for the sandwich today.”

This made you look at him. Or rather, shoot daggers at him. “Yeah, what the hell was that all about? Did you have to pull that little stunt in front of everybody? You know what our school is like! Rumors are gonna start spreading like wildfire.”

“I already told you,” he said with a defensive tone. “Forgot my lunch, everything was gonna run out, didn’t want to get hungry later,” he said as he shrugged, completely ignoring the latter part of your complaint.

“And you couldn’t have gone and gotten it yourself?”

He beamed. If it wasn’t so damn beautiful, you probably would have started getting tired of his stupid smile already. “Why would I do that when I could get you to do it?”

You sighed. “I knew you weren’t the nicest guy, but I didn’t know you could be such an asshole, Park.”

If you hadn’t been staring him down so intently, you might not have noticed the falter in his smile, so quick it was.

“Oh, come on, Y/N. If anything, I’m doing you a favor by not sending out to everyone that picture you so desperately want to keep secret. Thing is, doing that wouldn’t benefit me in any way, except for getting the satisfaction of seeing everybody realize you’re not as perfect as they think you are. Whereas holding it over your head allows me to do basically anything I want with you. And that, that is just so much fun,” he beams, lowering his voice into a whisper for the last sentence.

What a psycho, you thought. You just sighed once more and returned to your textbook, too weirded out to say anything back. You hoped the silence would make Sunghoon realize how creepy what he had just said was. 

It was quiet in the room, only the sound of your pencil scratching your notebook could be heard. Sunghoon sat in the same position and watched you working. He often saw you like this, focused and benched over a desk, in the library or walking past your classroom. But it was always in passing, and looking at you so closely made all the world’s difference. He could see how you scrunched your nose when the problem got particularly difficult, or how your smirk as you solved another one made your left dimple appear. He also liked the annoyed looks you gave him every once in a while, as if his presence was disturbing your focus. He wasn’t sure what it was, but there was something about seeing someone who always went about their way with such purpose sitting in such silence.

He decided to break that silence. “You know, Jay was asking about you earlier.”

You kept your eyes trained on your notebook but abruptly stopped writing, your pencil leaving a small scratch on the paper. This didn’t go unnoticed by Sunghoon. “Did he?” you said, trying to sound as uninterested as possible, although you couldn’t help but be curious. Ever since Jay and you had grown apart, there was always a part of you wondering what he was up to, how he was doing, if he thought of you once in a while or reminisced about the good old times as you sometimes did. 

“Yeah. I mean, everyone did, but I didn’t really care,” he answers simply, and even though you’re itching to push him to say more, you stay quiet. “You’re right, by the way, I do know the people in our school. The rumors have already started spreading. Up to you whether you wanna deny them or not, though,” he said with a smirk.

“Don’t even think about it, Park. There’s not a chance in hell I’ll let them think we have a thing going on. I have a reputation to uphold, you know.”

He chuckled. “Trust me, I know. Anyway, he wanted to know why you did that for me. Guess he was jealous you didn’t do it for him, too.”

“Why would he be?” you asked, trying to make the question sound as innocent as possible. 

“Well, you two go a long way back, right?” he asked tentatively, as if testing the waters.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Then it was probably weird for him to see his childhood best friend and his best bro interacting out of nowhere, even though we’ve both seen each other around a lot and nothing has ever come out of that. Don’t you think?”

A beat passed as you thought about it. “Yeah, I guess that’d look weird to him,” you replied, trying to keep the disappointment out of your voice.

You quickly wrote down your last answer, packed up your things, and stood up. “Well, I’m off now. I’ll see you around, unfortunately.”

Sunghoon, surprised at your quick departure, scrambled to get off his chair and chased after you. “Do you want me to drop you off? I’ve got a car, you know. Much more glamorous than the bus.”

You turned around and looked at him. “I’d rather get hit by said bus than get in your car, Park.”

He stood there, watching you walk away with a smirk on his face as your ponytail swayed from side to side. This was going to be a challenge. You were going to be a challenge. 

Thing is, he loved a good challenge.

—

Back home, you flopped down on your bed and buried your face in your pillow. You laid there for a few minutes, taking some time to gather your thoughts and try to understand Sunghoon’s actions. It was of no use; you weren’t a mind-reader, and he seemed impossible to figure out. He could make you do basically whatever he wanted to, and he decided to make you get him lunch, creating rumors along the way? What could he possibly get out of that?

Your reflexions were quickly interrupted, however, by a flurry of incoming messages on your phone. Someone had posted a photo of you handing his banana milk to Sunghoon on your school’s Instagram account - because apparently, your school was so obsessed with gossip that they had created an Instagram page just for it. The photo had blown up among your peers and it made you wonder if people really were that bored with their lives.

People you barely knew but that felt entitled to knowing your relationship status were DMing you, asking about today’s events. You quickly got tired of it, so you texted your worried and confused friends that you didn’t feel like talking tonight and would catch up with them tomorrow. You opened your textbook, deciding that studying would be the best and most efficient distraction.

When your parents called you and your siblings for dinner, you still weren’t feeling great. Your family quickly registered your annoyed expression and could only hope for the best. You already weren’t the easiest to live with, but when you were tired, you just got a hundred times worse.

“So, how was everyone’s day?” your mom asked cheerily.

Yeeun’s eyes lit up instantly. “Mine was great! I met a really cute boy. His name is Nishimura Riki and he just transferred from Japan.”

“Oh, that’s nice!”

“You’re too young to be thinking about boys, Yeeun.”

Your mom and dad had replied at the same time, then gave each other a stern look.

“I’m not thinking about him, Dad, just looking,” your sister replied, earning a chuckle from your concerned father. 

“Mine was alright. I guess the start-of-a-new-year excitement has already worn off. After a week,” Sunoo said with a sigh. 

Your mom turned to you. “What about you, Y/N?”

“It was fine.”

The sharpness of your tone changed the atmosphere in the room at once. You ignored the looks your family exchanged and continued eating your food, eyes not leaving your plate.

For some reason, Sunoo thought it’d be a great idea to chime in. “She’s not happy because she had to buy Park Sunghoon his lunch and everybody went crazy over it.”

“Sunoo!” you protested. Your parents didn’t need to know about this sort of stuff.

“Park Sunghoon? Is that someone we’re supposed to know?” your dad questioned.

Yeeun scoffed. “Uh, he’s only the most popular and handsome guy at Y/N and Sunoo’s school, dad. Duh.”

“Right. Duh,” your dad said, imitating your sister’s tone.

“And why did you have to buy his lunch, Y/N?” your mom asked.

“Because he saw what she looks like when she’s not at school,” Sunoo said, not even giving you the chance to reply yourself.

“Sunoo!” you scolded again.

“And now I guess he’s using that against her to get her to do what he wants? Right, Y/N?”

You glared at your brother and let a beat pass. “Right,” you reluctantly admitted.

“Lucky…” your sister mused, expression like she was daydreaming about being Sunghoon’s personal assistant.

Your dad ignored your sister and looked straight at you. “That’s inadmissible, Y/N. You can’t let him do that.”

“Your father’s right, sweetie. It’s not right,” your mom added when you stayed silent.

With everybody’s eyes on you, you felt obligated to reply. “It’s fine. It’s not like he asked me to do anything crazy. I’m sure he’ll stop soon enough.”

“You know, boys that age, they’ll do anything to get a girl’s attention,” your dad warned. “Just ignore him and he’ll go away.”

“If she ignores him, he’ll tell everyone what she’s really like,” your brother explained.

“And what’s so bad about that? I’m sure it’d be easier if you stopped lying to everyone.”

Everyone suddenly stopped in their motions, wondering why your mom would say something so true yet so controversial. You looked up at her. “What’s so bad about that? What’s so bad? I don’t know, maybe the fact that I’ve worked so hard all these years for everybody to like me and look up to me only for a stupid picture taken by a stupid boy to ruin everything,” you said all in one breath, voice coming out harsh. You were tired of having to explain the same thing over and over again - your parents just didn’t understand why you did what you did.

Your mom opened and closed her mouth again, knowing it was useless trying to talk sense into you. It never ended well when you had this conversation.

“Who put mushrooms in this anyway? You know I hate mushrooms,” you said before filling up your bowl and taking it to eat in your room, making sure you’d slammed your door behind you.

—

On the bus the next day, you tried to explain the events of the previous day to your friends.

“There’s nothing really to it. He just asked me to get him lunch so I did, and when I handed it to him, his whole class was there and saw everything.”

“I get that, but I just don’t understand why he made you do it in the first place, or why you agreed,” Heeseung said, “it’s so unlike the both of you to do something like that.”

You hadn’t even thought to come up with an excuse for your and Sunghoon’s yesterday - your friends were definitely super confused, but you didn’t want to tell them the truth, so you had to quickly find something to say that was somewhat believable, and change the subject.

“I have no idea why he did what he did, but I didn’t want to cause a scene so I just agreed. I don’t really care, to be honest, I just wish it didn’t have such consequences. People seem to think we’re characters on a stupid Netflix coming-of-age series or something, when we literally just go to their school.”

As soon as you’d turned your phone back on this morning, it started pinging with all the messages that had flown in since last night. People were talking about it everywhere: Kim Y/N, highly sought-after bachelorette, had offered Park Sunghoon, notorious rejecter of girls and breaker of hearts, a sandwich and a banana milk, and he had taken them. What’s more, he had been seen at lunch heartily eating them. This was serious.

You didn’t think things could get any worse until you got to school. You were used to random people coming up to you in the hallways or in class for help, except today they weren’t asking for help at all - they were asking what was up between you and Sunghoon, as though handing him a tuna mayo was like asking for his hand in marriage. Most of them were just curious, but some, especially his fanclub members, had an aggressive tone to their voice, which you weren’t used to. If people started liking you less because of Sunghoon, you were going to kill him.

But you had to hold onto that thought, because an all too familiar voice had suddenly called out to you on your way to class. You took a deep breath and turned around, watching him take long strides towards you. You immediately became aware of the amount of people in the hallway and realized you couldn’t talk to him like you had the previous day in front of everybody. You mustered the fakest smile you could and greeted him.

“Hi, Sunghoon. What can I help you with today?”

He smiled, obviously enjoying the fact that you had to be nice to him. “I’ve got my sports bag because of practice later tonight. Mind holding onto that for me for the day?”

Your fake smile turned a bit crazy as your eyes widened in disbelief. "Don’t you have a locker for that, Sunghoon?”

“Yeah, but it’s so much more fun if you’re the one to hold it.” And with that, he threw the bag in your direction, leaving approximately 0.5 seconds to catch it. “I’ll need that later today. Meet me in front of the locker rooms after school, yeah?”

He didn’t bother to wait for your answer and walked away, Jake and Jay following closely behind. Jay sent you a questioning look, to which you could only reply with a shrug. If it wasn’t for all the students in the hallway, you would’ve been yelling Sunghoon’s ear off at that point. Unfortunately, that wasn’t a possibility, so you just smiled to your friends who were looking more confused than ever.

“Let’s just go to class, guys.”

—

Throughout the whole day, you could feel people staring at you, then at the bag you were holding, then starting to whisper among themselves. You tried your best to concentrate in class so you could momentarily stop pondering over what Sunghoon’s evil master plan might be, but everyone seemed bent on making that usually simple feat impossible. When 3:30 p.m. finally came around, you bid your friends goodbye and headed to the boys’ locker room. Every boy walking in eyed you suspiciously, unsure as to what you could be doing there. Of course, Sunghoon had to take his sweet time to get there. 

Staring at the opposite wall and planning Sunghoon’s murder in your head, you hadn’t noticed Jay and Jake arriving. Jay signaled for his friend to go inside the locker room and told him he’d join him in a minute. He waved his hand in front of you to get your attention, a smile on his face. You sighed in relief at the familiar sight of your friend.

“Hey, Jay. Sorry I didn’t see you.”

“You okay, Y/N? You look like you’re about to murder someone,” he said, slightly amused.

“If only you knew,” you mumbled.

He noticed the bag in your hand. “You waiting for Sunghoon?”

“Yeah. If only he could hurry up a little bit. I’ve got stuff to do.”

There was something about Jay that made it impossible to lie to him. Maybe it was the fact that you had known each other for so long, way before you’d turned into what you were now, that made you feel as though showing a side of you that gets annoyed and impatient and doesn’t smile all the time was okay.

Jay looked at his feet before looking back up at you. You were still staring at the wall but your murderous thoughts had somewhat calmed. “Mind telling me what this whole thing with Sunghoon is about?”

You turned to him and were about to fumble for an answer when someone interrupted you. “What whole thing with me?”

Whew. Saved by Sunghoon. You didn’t like that it was thanks to him that you could get out of answering Jay, but at least you didn’t have to come up with yet another stupid excuse.

Jay turned his attention to his friend and stood up straighter. “You know, making her get you lunch or hold your bag all day. There’s dozens of girls who’d be more than happy to do that for you, so why Y/N? She doesn’t have time for this stuff.”

You looked at Jay with surprise. Sure, you were friends, but you hadn’t thought he’d defend you like that in front of Sunghoon.

“Well, Y/N’s just such a nice, reliable person. No one better to ask to do those things.” What a reason, you thought. He turned to you and took the bag from your hands. “Thanks, Y/N. I’ll see you outside in a couple minutes.”

“Huh? What do you mean? I’m leaving,” you said, body already headed towards the other direction.

“What? You can’t leave before practice has even started. Go to the benches outside, we’ll be out in a few.”

You were about to open your mouth to protest, but he cut you off. “You don’t want to?” He started pulling out his phone. “That’s funny, because there’s a pict-”

“I’ll be on the benches! See you soon!” you quickly said, pushing the two boys inside the locker room, Sunghoon smirking, Jay looking at you in utter confusion.

Girls sat in a few different groups in the bleachers. You recognized the girls in one of those groups, so you decided to sit with them. As you approached, they quickly looked at each other and then back at you, expressions half-friendly, half-what-the-hell-are-you-doing-here. 

“Hi guys! Mind if I join?”

“Hi Y/N! No, of course not, come sit,” Jake’s girlfriend, Yujin, said. 

“Are you guys here to watch practice?”

“Yeah! I’m here on girlfriend duties for Jake. These two are just here for the eye candy and to keep me company,” Yujin explained.

“Yeah, but mostly for the eye candy,” added her friend Wonyoung. 

“What about you, Y/N? I’ve never seen you here,” asked the last girl, Gaeul.

“Oh, um, Sunghoon asked me to come, actually.” You regretted your words as soon as you’d let them out. They all ooh-ed at your response, making you blush, which just egged them on. This was nothing to blush about, Y/N. You’d just made the rumors get a hundred times worse with one sentence.

“The whole school’s been talking about you two, you know. Anything you wanna share? Don’t worry, we can keep a secret,” said Wonyoung with a wink. You chuckled awkwardly.

“Oh my gosh, yes, tell us!”

“Guys, don’t make her uncomfortable,” Yujin chimed in, smiling at you. You returned her smile, grateful, once again, that you didn’t have to explain your new link to Sunghoon. “Look, practice is starting.”

You turned your head towards the field as the soccer players started doing laps as per the coach’s instructions. Your eyes immediately drifted towards Sunghoon without you even realizing it. His lean figure hypnotized you. The last time you had had PE with him was in freshman year, and puberty had hit him like a fine, fine truck. You couldn’t take your eyes off of him as he lightly jogged next to his friends, chatting like it was nothing. You weren’t being very subtle with your stare and he eventually noticed you, sending a wink your way. This made you snap out of your reverie and you scowled at him, as if he could make out your annoyed expression from such a distance. You turned back to the girls, who were giggling at you.

“Wow, those were some serious heart eyes you were giving him, Y/N,” Gaeul giggled.

You opened your mouth in mild shock. “Was not!”

“Sure, whatever you say,” she replied knowingly. “Well, look all you want. Warm-up is the best part. It gets boring when they actually start playing.”

“No way! Watching them play is my favorite part,” Yujin disagreed.

“Yeah, that’s cause you’ve got someone to root for,” retorted Wonyoung. She looked at you slyly. “Well, I guess Y/N does, too.”

You scoffed. “Believe me, I will not be rooting for him.”

You started staring at him again, this time with a glare in your eyes. From their silence, you deduced the girls must’ve judged it a better idea to not question you too much. After the boys were done with running exercises and stretching (which you had enjoyed watching a bit too much, if you spoke truthfully), they started playing. The coach split the boys into two teams, Jay leading one and Sunghoon the other. It was a very close game. You could never tell who was leading, although that might have been due to your extensive lack of knowledge in the sport. All you knew was that you desperately wanted to see Sunghoon lose; that might put him down a peg. What you told yourself, however, was that you wanted Jay to win. So when he scored a goal, you surprised the girls next to you, the boys on the field and yourself as you jumped up and down, cheering for him. Realizing what you were doing, you quickly sat down and sent him an awkward thumbs up.

Jay tried to hide it, but he was blushing. Hard. Truth be told, he had noticed your little eye contact moment with Sunghoon during warm-up and hadn’t particularly enjoyed it. So seeing you cheer for him like that made him swell with pride, which only grew when Sunghoon scored and you barely reacted. 

When the game was over, you thought you might be able to finally go home and start studying. But Sunghoon had other plans for you, as always these past couple days. Heading towards the showers, he motioned for you to come down from the benches. As you did, Jay walked past, and you smiled at each other.

“Good game.”

“Thanks, Y/N.” He continued walking as Sunghoon reached you.

“What about me? I scored a goal, too.”

“Oh, did you? Didn’t even notice," you said, looking at your nails. The polish was starting to chip - you’d need to reapply a layer tonight.

“Whatever. Wait for me, yeah?”

“What? No! I gotta go home!” But your protests were in vain, as he completely ignored you. 

You waited outside the school with Yujin, Wonyoung and Gaeul. After a little while, Jake, Jay and Sunghoon joined you guys, having successfully showered and not smelling of sweat and dirt, thank God. Yujin was dropping her boyfriend and her friends off, so they bid their goodbyes and headed towards her car. Sunghoon and Jay also started to walk towards the parking lot, leaving you standing alone, not sure what to do. Sunghoon turned around and looked at you with a frown.

“What are you doing?”

“I don’t know, what are you doing?”

“I’m dropping you and Jay off.”

“Oh,” you mumbled, taken aback. “Didn’t know I was just supposed to guess that.”

As soon as Sunghoon started to drive, you noticed the awkward air between the three of you. Luckily, after years of being a people-pleaser, you had become somewhat of an expert in making small talk, which helped prevent a silent ride. You don’t think you could’ve gone through that without a mental breakdown.

Because you and Sunghoon lived closer to each other (and we all know the consequences of that), Jay was dropped off before you. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow at school,” he said before giving you a last glance.

“Bye, Jay.”

“See you, bro.”

Thankfully, you only lived a couple minutes by car from Jay’s and hoped the rest of the car ride would be peaceful. Which was really stupid of you to hope for, because you were in the car with Park Sunghoon.

“So, Park Jongseong, huh?” he said, eyes trained on the road in front of him. Even though he was trying to keep his tone light, you thought you detected a slight harshness to his gaze.

“What about him?”

“I don’t know, you tell me.”

“There’s nothing to say. We’ve just been friends for a long time.”

It was silent for about five seconds. “You really feasted your eyes during warm-up, huh?”

“Shut up, Park.”

“No, it’s alright, I get it. I’d do the same.” He laughed at his own joke that wasn’t really a joke. Why was he laughing, anyway? 

You looked at him. His face was so different from all those times you’d seen it at school. His eyes, rid of the harshness you’d seen earlier, crinkled at the edges and had an amused glint in them. His smile dug pretty dimples into his cheeks and you let your gaze linger long enough to notice he had sharp, vampire-like canines, which were surprisingly cute. You didn’t know why he was showing you a side of him he never showed anyone, except for his close friends, you assumed. You weren’t sure what overcame you, but you chuckled with him. 

“So, do you already know what task you’re gonna give me tomorrow?” you asked, genuinely curious.

“Hmm, haven’t really thought about it yet. I’d rather keep it a surprise, anyway. Keep you on your toes.”

“Pfft. What a great surprise.” He laughed again, and you couldn’t help but join him. He was unusually giddy that day, but you didn’t want to complain. This was a thousand times better than the arrogant Sunghoon with his I’m-better-than-all-of-you facade. What you didn’t know was that he, too, liked your snarky, no-nonsense side infinitely more than the model student, pretty girl persona you had created for yourself.

Finally at your house, you got out of the car and headed to your house after waving goodbye to Sunghoon. He rolled his window down and leaned out of it.

“Y/N?”

You turned around. “Yeah?”

“About your task tomorrow…”

“…Yeah?”

“I’m sure you’ll love it.” He gave you an umpteenth wink, rolled his window back up and drove off.

You weren’t so awful to your parents and siblings that evening.

—

The next day at school, you were wondering why Sunghoon had said you would love your task. Because you were, in fact, quite loathing it. He had found you studying during your free period after lunch and dragged you to the part of the library where it was okay to talk a bit over whisper level. You were currently going over a scene in The Tempest which you had seen in AP English Lit last year and clearly had no time for. But obviously, that wasn’t a problem to Sunghoon, who just wanted to get a passing grade on his English essay without putting in too much effort. 

After twenty minutes of going over the same five lines, you were about to give up. “Look, Sunghoon, I don’t mind helping you. I’ve tutored dozens of students before so I’m used to it. But you’re not making any effort! If you want to get it, you need to at least try.”

“But it’s so boring,” he whined, not unlike a child. “How am I supposed to find any meaning in this? It’s just stupid people doing stupid stuff on a stupid island.” You cringed at his words and hoped Shakespeare wasn’t listening in on this conversation. 

“It’s not stupid. It’s about power, and being punished for chasing it, and it’s a metaphor fo-”

“Ugh!” he groaned loudly. “You know what, I don’t care enough about this. Just write the essay for me, okay?” He got up and left, again not waiting for your answer. You wanted to protest, but you know what would happen if you said no to any of his requests, so you just quickly got to work.

Everyday over the next couple of weeks, Sunghoon would find something for you to do. Most days, he’d just get you to buy him lunch (although he thankfully had started paying you back) or carry his stuff around like the first two times. He didn’t ask you again to tutor him, however, so you had gotten used to sitting in an empty class together after class, you doing his homework for him and attempting (and failing) to explain it to him, and him alternating between playing on his phone and looking at you. Although it’d flustered you at first, not used to having someone stare at you while you were trying to concentrate, you’d grown somewhat okay with it - all of your complaints were ignored anyway. One time, he even got you to work on his science project with him, a weirdly-shaped volcano he needed to paint and decorate before actually putting the chemicals in. You’d be lying if you said it hadn’t been fun painting it together, occasionally ‘accidentally’ getting paint on the other’s hand or cheek instead of the volcano. 

You went to see him at practice two to three times a week, although you weren’t sure what use that had for him. If anything, you were probably the one who enjoyed yourself more. Perhaps, after being forced to spend so much time with him, you had started to soften up to him. And, perhaps, that made you appreciate his good looks even more. You couldn’t deny the effect his damp hair, stuck to his forehead with sweat, had on you. 

The rumors hadn’t died down, but people had started getting used to seeing the two of you together around, so they didn’t ogle their eyes at you everytime you and Sunghoon had some kind of interaction. Not liking that you couldn’t control people’s opinion of you anymore, you were still a bit bothered by them, but Sunghoon’s little posse of fangirls didn’t seem to be. They’d been the one to question you the most, and you got a few nasty looks in the hallway, but the gossip around school hadn’t stopped them from keeping on following him around, harassing him from morning to afternoon by going to his homeroom at breaks, sitting at a table near him at lunch, and going to see him at practice. Their group had dwindled down, though; most likely, some of them thought you two might be dating and had finally realized they didn’t stand a chance with the one and only Park Sunghoon. Thank God you had your friends and now sometimes Yujin, Wonyoung and Gaeul around you during those times, otherwise, you’d probably have been jumped. Spending so much time with him had kept you a couple times from your friends, which they’d complained about, but sensing that they couldn’t do much about it, they let you be, even though they hadn’t gotten a satisfactory explanation yet.

One person who didn’t want to, or rather couldn’t let it go, though, was Jay. He still couldn’t figure out why you’d started spending so much time with Sunghoon, seemingly overnight, and it created an unpleasant, sour pit in his stomach. Out of all the people you could’ve decided to form a new friendship with, why’d it have to be his best friend, meaning he saw you more often now than before, but not because he was the one you had come to see? Why did you never get him banana milk for lunch, and why’d you only start coming to soccer practice because Sunghoon had asked you to? He’d tried to ask both of you about it, but you always gave him half-assed excuses that didn’t make much sense. 

He realized what he was feeling was jealousy the day you came into their homeroom before the first bell rang and asked Sunghoon how his science project had gone. You’d never asked him how his science project, or any of his projects or tests, for that matter, had gone. He recognized it as the same feeling he had harbored when he had come back from the US in middle school and saw you dating Choi Soobin, or when Lee Heeseung had joined your tight-knit group of friends in freshman year. You and Soobin had only dated for three weeks and a half because you had a relationship-terminating argument over mint chocolate ice cream, and you and Heeseung had never become more than friends, nor had the intention to. But Jay didn’t care about that; all he saw was that there were boys around you that weren’t him. He had never acted upon those feelings, dismissing them as over-protectiveness for someone he had known since forever, but seeing Sunghoon and you laughing together hit too close to home. He couldn’t ignore how he felt because he was reminded of it everyday, but he didn’t know what to do with these newfound emotions.

And what’s the best thing to do whenever you don’t know what to do? Talk to your friends. Or well, in this case, your friend. He didn’t wanna talk about you to Sunghoon. He was a firm believer of bro code, but he didn’t wanna bottle up his feelings like he had all these years. So he went to Jake and told him everything, from your childhood friendship to Soobin, Heeseung and now Sunghoon.

“I know it’s stupid. It’s this whole cliché of, you only realize what you have when you lose it.”

“Well, you haven’t really lost Y/N, you know. It’s not like Sunghoon and her are dating.”

“I guess not, but he clearly likes her. It’d be a dick move to go after her now that they’ve got something going on.”

Jake hesitated for a second, debating whether he should say what he was thinking, but ultimately deciding it might be better to do it. “You know, I’m not sure that he does. You know what Sunghoon’s like. He’s never very honest about his intentions. I don’t wanna bring the subject up with him, cause I don’t wanna cause any drama, but it’s so suspicious to me that he’s suddenly spending time with Y/N when he’s never mentioned her all those years and when he rejects all these girls all the time.”

“I think it’s weird, too,” agreed Jay. “I just can’t seem to figure it out. And I’m a bit scared for Y/N, to be honest. Remember that girl in freshman year? They’d gotten along really well when he suddenly dropped her. I still remember his cold-ass stare when he turned her down. It even chilled me, man.”

“God, yeah, I always forget about that. He may be a jackass to all those girls, but when you know what he’s really like like we do, it seems so unlikely that he’d do something like that.”

Jay sighed and looked out into the distance. “I just hope he doesn’t hurt Y/N.”

Jake looked at his friend, thinking how to phrase his next sentence. “Like I said, I don’t wanna cause any drama… but, man, if you don’t want him to hurt Y/N, just don’t let him. If you make a move on her, you might get to her before he does. Better to do that now than to have to pick up the pieces, don’t you think?”

Jay mentally thanked the heavens for gifting him with a friend like Sim Jaeyun. “Yes, that is much, much better.”

He was going to stop sitting on his feelings and finally let them see the light.

—

But before that, Sunghoon had another one of his requests for you. You were sitting together in an empty classroom after school as you often did these past weeks. For you, today was an ordinary day, but the boy in front of you had something else in mind. He wasn’t saying anything but you could feel his nervousness and it was starting to make you feel anxious as well.

You lifted your head from your notes and looked at Sunghoon who seemed lost in his thoughts. “What is it, Sunghoon?”

This made him snap out of his reverie. “Um, nothing.”

“Well, seeing how you’ve been tapping your foot at the speed of lightning ever since we got here, it doesn’t seem like nothing.” You crossed your arms over the table and looked at him more intently, eyes asking him to tell you what was on his mind.

He sighed, giving in. “I was just thinking… there’s something I wanna tell you.”

“Go on. “

“I need you to date me.”

Your breath caught in your throat. Park Sunghoon… needed you… to date him? Was he asking you out? The way he’d worded it was a bit odd, but you didn’t put it past him.

Taking in your silence and wide eyes, he quickly added: “Not in that way! I, um, need you to be my fake girlfriend.”

Oh.

So he wasn’t asking you out. You weren’t sure why that made you so upset, but you tried to keep the disappointment out of your eyes and voice.

“Right,” you said, tone a bit harsher than you’d meant it to, “and why would I do that?”

Sunghoon smirked lightly. “Well, first of all, you don’t have much of a choice.” You rolled your eyes at that. It’d been a few days since the reason why you had started hanging out in the first place had come up, and you didn’t like to be reminded of that god-forsaken picture. 

“And second of all… I guess I should be completely honest with you.” This piqued your interest, and you leaned back on your chair to listen to him. 

“When I saw you at the store and took pictures of you, I wasn’t really thinking of doing anything. Maybe just get a laugh or two and tease you about it. I even told you outside the store that I didn’t know what I was gonna do. To be honest, I didn’t really think there was anything you could do for me that I’d need to force you to do. So I thought about it all night. And I asked myself, what’s the thing that pisses me off the most at school that you could change?” he looked at you expectantly, as if you could figure it out. You just shrugged.

“It’s those girls that keep following me around. All these years, I’ve acted like a giant asshole with them and still they think they have a crush on me or whatever. And I’ve never liked any of them, they’re all so superficial and ask me out without having ever talked to me before. So I thought, hey, maybe if I have a girlfriend, they’ll leave me alone. Which is why I made you do all those things for me.”

“So that they’d think we were dating?” you asked, trying to take all this information in. You’d sort of known it this entire time, but Sunghoon blatantly admitting he’d been using you hurt nonetheless.

“Yeah. But obviously, you always denied the rumors, so it hasn’t worked as well as I thought it would. It still did a bit though. So I think, if we take it the next step, and actually pretend we’re dating, it should really work. But I need your full cooperation on this, okay?” He looked at you, hopeful eyes and hands in prayer.

You sighed. As he said, it wasn’t like you had much of a choice.

“Please, Y/N? I really want them off my back.”

“Fine, Park, I’ll do it. But this better be the last thing you make me do.” You couldn’t help but sound cold. This made you rethink these past few weeks’ events. Were you the only one actually enjoying spending time together?

“Thanks, Y/N. And yeah, of course. You won’t have to carry my bag or get my lunch anymore if you want. Maybe it’ll be more believable if I do that for you.”

You had focused your attention back to your homework, wanting this conversation to be over as soon as possible.

“I’ll also pick you up in the morning, so you don’t need to take the bus.”

You hummed in response.

“Um, and I’ll also drop you off after school and after practice…” Sunghoon trailed, troubled by your silence. You hadn’t been so cold since the first couple times you two had talked, and he hated the idea that that might be because of what he had just said. So he took a chance.

“You know, Y/N, this doesn’t change anything. I wouldn’t have made you do all those things if I didn’t like spending time with you. You’re really nice to be around,” he admitted shyly.

You were far too flustered to lift your head and let him see your face. You just grinned and murmured, “Whatever, Park.”

—

Sunghoon kept his promise and picked you up in the morning. He called you at exactly 7:55 a.m., saying he was waiting outside and you rushed out of your house, piece of toast still in your mouth. In the car, you two went over what being in a fake relationship would involve.

“We just need to be seen around together, right?” you proposed, hoping your lack of experience wasn’t showing.

Thankfully, Sunghoon had no idea what being in a relationship, fake or not, entailed either. “Yeah, I think. And maybe…” he hesitated. 

“Maybe?” you prodded, hoping he wouldn’t (or actually would, but you’d never admit it) say what you thought he was about to say.

“I don’t know, like, hold hands, and… kiss.” The last part had barely been audible, but you’d still heard it.

“Kiss?” you echoed, voice almost a shriek. “I don’t think we need to go that far, Sunghoon.” A little voice in your head was saying that you’d really like to go that far but you made it shut up.

He was blushing profusely but didn’t want to drop the subject there. “At least on the cheek, or something. We do have to make it believable.”

And there it was. The little sentence, reminding you none of this was real. Seemed like that was a pattern in your life.

You looked out the window. Sunghoon glanced over at you, cursing himself for always saying the wrong thing. He was trying so hard to drown his blooming feelings for you that he kept on hurting you in the process. This whole fake-dating plan was the perfect excuse for him to spend more time with you without having to come to terms with his feelings. 

“C’mon, Y/N, it’ll be fun. Promise.” He nudged your arm playfully, making you look at him. His smile was contagious; you could never help yourself but start grinning when you saw his face light up like that. Maybe he’s right, you thought. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.

When you arrived at school, Sunghoon told you to wait for a second. He got out of the car and quickly walked around to your side, opening the door for you. You hated how your heart fluttered at the sweet gesture, reminding yourself it was just for show. The important part was that it fooled everyone else, and it did - as you took Sunghoon’s hand, letting him help you out of the car, and walked with him hand in hand towards the school gates, you could feel all eyes on you. You could hear whispers of see, I told you they were dating! and defeated no ways. 

You realized you didn’t care about what anybody might be seeing, which was a first for you. You’d always made sure everybody saw you exactly the way you wanted to see them. As he was the most popular guy in school, dating Park Sunghoon at once helped your reputation and put you on many girls’ bad side. But holding his hand, you felt as though there was some kind of barrier protecting you. You’d never felt so exposed and so safe at the same time.

You noticed Jay standing next to the gates, looking particularly antsy. He’d texted you that morning, saying there was something he wanted to tell you. Usually, you’d have stayed up, overthinking what that could be, but what with today being the day you’d announce yourself to the world (your school) as Park Sunghoon’s (fake) girlfriend, you had had other things to worry about. You gestured at Sunghoon towards Jay. Your friend only saw you when you were calling his name, standing right in front of him.

“Oh, hi, Y/N! I-” 

He immediately cut himself off when he saw yours and Sunghoon’s interlaced fingers. Embarrassed, you took your hand out of your fake boyfriend’s, opting for holding onto his pinky instead, not realizing that it was a much cuter action that made one boy’s heart flutter and the other’s fill up with sadness.

“There was something you wanted to tell me?” you asked with a small smile.

“Uh- yeah, but it’s not important, actually. We can talk about it later.”

“Oh, you sure?”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it.” He returned your smile, hoping to make the situation less awkward. It was very obvious he didn’t want to say whatever it was he needed to tell you in front of Sunghoon, which you had both understood.

Sunghoon spoke up. “Right, well I’ll see you in class, Jay. Y/N, I’ll walk you to yours.” And with that, he started walking, holding his friend’s gaze for a few steps. You turned back to look at Jay for a split second, trying to decipher what had just happened, but Sunghoon grabbed you by the waist, making you look up at him in surprise, and breaking Jay’s heart even further.

—

Once Sunghoon and you got to your class, you felt as though you were in one of those movies where the boy drops the girl off at her house after their first date. Except that this was in a crowded school hallway two minutes before the first bell rang. What you had in common with that girl from the movie, however, was that you were freaking out over what your boy was going to do next. In the car, you’d ended up agreeing to a kiss on the cheek, but you hadn’t realized it would be happening so soon.

As you two hovered around your classroom’s door, you looked at each other and giggled. Damn, you were selling this well. So well that if you could have ascended out of your body and looked at the scene as a third party, you’d probably have barfed all over yourself. 

You were still holding his pinky. You could tell he was too hesitant to do anything now that you had reached the classroom, and so you mustered all of your courage, stood on your tippy toes and softly pressed your lips to his cheeks. (You were pretty sure you’d heard gasps around you.) Your courage went as fast as it came, and as realization hit you, you quickly squeaked “bye, Sunghoon” and practically ran to your seat. The boy stood there for another second or two, hand going to his cheek where you had just kissed him. He walked happily to his own classroom, completely oblivious to the stares he was receiving.

Heeseung, Jiung and Sieun were looking at you in disbelief as you approached them. Sumin, on the other hand, looked like she had paid no attention whatsoever to the scene.

“Y/N,” Sieun teased in a sing-song voice. “Care to explain what just happened?”

“Don’t tell me you’ve actually managed to make the oh-so-great Park Sunghoon fall for you?” Jiung asked jokingly. 

You looked down in an attempt to hide your grin. You usually did that sort of stuff to appear humble when someone complimented you, but this time it was completely genuine. The mere thought of Sunghoon made you all giddy inside. “Um, yeah, he actually asked me to be his girlfriend last night.”

Your three friends gasped dramatically and Sieun pulled you into a hug, as if you’d just received an award of some kind. Heeseung and Jiung patted your shoulders, congratulating you.

“Sumin? Did you know about this?” Sieun enquired, turning to your friend.

“What? Oh, yeah, Y/N called me last night,” she answered, briefly looking at you before turning back to her phone. Sieun looked at you, surprised, not understanding Sumin’s reaction to what seemed like happy news.

You had indeed called Sumin the previous night, and the call had gone similarly to the way she was behaving this morning. Although you usually told her everything, this time, you didn’t want to share the fact that you and Sunghoon were only fake dating. You found yourself actually wanting it to be true - and you thought it’d be easier to believe it yourself if everyone, including your best friend, did too.

“Minie! I’ve got some news,” you’d said as soon as she picked out.

“Ooh! Hit me,” she’d replied with as much excitement in her voice as you.

“So…” you’d started, already giggling. “Sunghoon’s just asked me out. I haven’t told anyone else, I wanted you to be the first to know.”

There was silence on the other end of the line. After a while, you added, “Minie, you still there?”

“Huh? Yeah, um, that’s nice, Y/N, I’m happy for you,” she said, not sounding happy at all. There was no trace of excitement left in her voice.

“Yeah, thanks,” you replied, voice ten times smaller than a minute ago.

“I’m sorry Y/N, but I’ve got to go, my parents are calling me. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She hung up suddenly, giving you no time to say bye in return. You were completely confused. Was Sumin bothered by you and Sunghoon dating? Other than a reminder about his past behavior, she hadn’t said anything when you two were getting closer. So what was wrong? You’d hoped you’d find out the next day at school, but the way she was acting didn’t help at all.

You snapped out of your flashback when Heeseung nudged you, faking a pout. “Not fair! Why did she get to know before we did?”

You forced a smile and said you’d known you’d see them the next day and thought it was better to tell them in person, and that you had just wanted to rant to someone quickly. Your teacher came in as the bell rang and everyone went to their seat. During class, you tried getting her attention so you could ask her if she was okay but she kept her attention on the teacher the whole time. 

After that, as time went by, you kept up your charade of being the perfect student as usual, adding to that of being the perfect girlfriend to Sunghoon. Time with him passed by so quickly: you hadn’t realized you were more than halfway through the semester until you needed to wear a thicker jacket outside and the leaves had started falling, covering school grounds in shades of brown. The plan had worked: he was finally left alone by his admirers. Sumin had stopped being weird after a few days, saying she had had some problems with her parents but hadn’t gone into more detail. Everything was as great as it had ever been: good grades, good friends and a good boyfriend. Well, fake boyfriend, which you needed to remind yourself a bit too often, on the days Sunghoon didn’t do it himself. You felt a pinch in your heart every time he said something like, “there’s my fake girlfriend!” when it was just the two of you, or “great job today, Y/N” after dropping you off.

One day as you arrived home, Yeeun was waiting outside your house, trying to catch you red-handed. She dragged him inside by the arm and you panicked, not wanting him to see how you lived. But your messy room and invasive siblings didn’t scare him off at all; on the contrary, he smiled one of the biggest smiles you’d ever seen on him, canines and dimples on display. Your mom made him stay over for dinner and it was probably the happiest dinner you’d ever had. The idea of bringing someone home and having them see your habits and odd family dynamics had terrified you for the longest time, but you felt so comfortable around Sunghoon that it felt as if he was part of your home as soon as he’d stepped foot inside. You didn’t feel the need to hide anything from him.

After dinner, he helped your parents clear up the table and even washed the dishes, even though they kept insisting he didn’t have to do anything. He had completely won them over. They sat at the table and watched you two laugh together in the kitchen. They looked at each other, knowing they were thinking the exact same thing: their daughter hadn’t looked this happy in a while.

When you were done cleaning up, you two headed to your room under the pretense of needing to study. 

“Alright, but keep the door open!” your mom had yelled after you, making you groan and Sunghoon’s face turn crimson red.

You really had planned on studying - there was a big test coming up and you couldn’t afford to get a bad grade. When you got your physics textbook out, Sunghoon groaned in protest.

“What? You seriously want to study right now?”

You sighed. “I don’t necessarily want to, no, but I need to. And so do you, may I add.”

“We’re not even in the same physics class!”

“Yeah, but we both have Mr. Cho, so I know you’re gonna have a test as well.”

He rolled his eyes and dramatically flung himself on your bed. “Fine.”

When he didn’t move for a few minutes, you guessed what he had meant was that he’d let you study but wasn’t going to do it himself. But after ten minutes, he suddenly got up. “I’m bored to death, Y/N. The test isn’t in another week. Show me what you do for fun,” he said, on the verge of desperation. It had only been ten minutes, but you felt bad having him over and not entertaining him.

“Well, I do have a Switch…” Sunghoon’s eyes widened in awe. “I guess we can play Mario Kart.”

He almost squealed in joy at that. You just chuckled at him, not knowing he was such a fan of car video games. 

“I’m gonna crush you, Kim. Get ready,” he said, already looking victorious.

You smirked, not wanting him to get his hopes up. “Oh, it’s on, Park.”

As expected of a pro player like you (on non-schooldays, you could stay up all night playing this game), you won every single round. Sure, he gave you a run for your money, but you always came on top. He took it surprisingly well, congratulating you each time. After your fourth win in a row, you wiggled your face in front of his with a devilish smile, as you couldn’t help but torment him a little. But he wasn’t smiling. At first, you’d thought he was finally getting mad he kept on losing; but then the proximity between you two hit you. You noticed his eyes flicker momentarily to your lips and had backed off immediately.

“Um, if we go for another round, I’ll go easy on-”

He cut you off by putting his hand on your cheek, making you turn to look at him. You’d daydreamed about this moment before, but you hadn’t imagined your heart beating this fast or the butterflies eating away at your stomach. He was now fully staring at your lips, and you couldn’t look at anything else but his either. Too scared to move an inch, you felt him get closer and closer, so close that his lips were almost on-

“Y/N, mom says it’s late and Sunghoon needs to- AH!”

Sunoo had walked in, eyes riveted on his phone until he looked up and saw you and Sunghoon suspiciously close to each other. Sunghoon practically leaped off of your bed in surprise and you flung a pillow over your face, not believing you had almost kissed Park Sunghoon but that your stupid little brother had ruined everything.

“Sorry! I’m sorry!” the culprit squeaked before running away. You and Sunghoon looked at each other. It was awkward for two seconds, then you both erupted in laughter. 

“Alright, guess I should get going then. Um, thank you so much for tonight. I haven’t had a family dinner in a while, and… Well, it was really nice,” he admitted shyly after you’d calmed down.

“Of course, Sunghoon. I’m sure my parents would love to have you over any time.”

You walked him to your front door, where you exchanged goodbyes and I’ll see you tomorrows. You watched him take a few steps, then turn back and jog towards you. He stood in front of you for a second, then leaned down and placed a kiss on your forehead.

“Bye, Y/N.”

You were too stunned to say it back.

—

After the almost-kiss, it felt as though something had changed between you and Sunghoon. The event had somewhat revealed your feelings: you both knew you wanted to kiss each other. But since those feelings hadn’t been acted upon, the transition from fake-dating to real dating couldn’t happen as smoothly. Well, it could, if you two stopped acting like idiots and told each other how you felt. But the author wanted to get a couple more thousand words in, so it had to wait.

You’d gotten used to Sunghoon’s little requests at school, but you definitely hadn’t anticipated a phone call at past 11pm on a Wednesday night. 

“Sunghoon? Why are you calling me so late?” you asked, groggy voice because of sleep. Since you woke up so early to get ready in the morning, you always went to bed around 9:30 to 10 p.m. Sunghoon was making you lose precious minutes of slumber.

“Late? It’s barely midnight, Y/N.” You groaned. “Whatever, put on some clothes and come outside! I’m waiting for you.”

“You’re what?” you whisper-screamed, suddenly feeling very awake.

“I’m waiting for you! Hurry up!” 

As always, he hung up without waiting for your reply. You couldn’t really turn him down anyway; although you were somewhat obligated, you had stopped seeing it that way and started doing things for him out of your own volition. 

Not wanting to get out of your pajamas, you just threw on a warm sweater, a scarf, some socks, and headed down the hallway on your tiptoes. Your parents weren’t the strictest out there, but you still didn’t wanna get caught sneaking out, and with a boy, at that. After putting on your shoes, you left your house, closing the door behind you as quietly as you could.

The late October night was a bit chilly, but you had wrapped up warm enough. Sunghoon was indeed waiting for you outside, wearing a denim jacket over his gray sweatshirt and matching sweatpants. 

God, he looked good.

“Finally! Took you long enough.”

“Quit it, Sunghoon. Just tell me why you wanted to see me.”

“There’s a place I wanna show you. Come on,” he said, taking you by the hand. You felt tingles in your palm and fingers wherever his hand touched yours. How could something feel so natural yet make your heart race so at the same time?

“Are we walking there?” you asked.

“Yep, it’s not too far. We’ll be there in five minutes.”

Those five minutes felt like five seconds walking with Sunghoon. You chatted and joked around the whole way, not letting go of each other’s hand. You hadn’t even noticed you had reached your destination until he stopped walking.

“Here we are,” he said, facing the building, which made you turn in the direction he was looking.

“The ice rink? What are we doing here?” you asked, confused. It was 11:30 pm; surely, the rink would be closed.

“You’ll see!” he said, heading towards the entrance. To your surprise, he pulled out a key from his pockets and opened the doors.

“What? Sunghoon! How do you have a key to the ice rink?”

“I’m chummy with the janitor. I just need to let him know when I’ll be coming and he doesn’t tell anyone,” he replied, an easy smile on his face, as if this was the most normal thing in the world. He led you first to the shoe rack, helping you find skates your size, and then to the benches next to the rink’s entrance. He knelt in front of you and helped you put on your shoes, doing the laces for you. 

He looked up at you, a glint in his eyes. “I’ve never taken anyone here, Y/N. I know your secret, so I thought I’d show you mine.”

You didn’t know what to say, surprised at the sudden confession, so you just looked at him curiously as he took ice skates from his backpack and laced them up.

He stood up, turned to you and said, “Ready?”

You followed him to the doors leading to the ice. He stepped inside without a trace of hesitation, but you were much more doubtful about your ability to stand on the ice without falling instantly. He turned around and saw you looking helpless. He took your hand in his, helping you step onto the rink. 

“Don’t worry, Y/N. As long as I’ve got you, you won’t fall.”

“Don’t let go of my hand, then,” you said pointedly.

Too focused on not slipping, you didn’t see his smile. “I wasn’t planning to.”

He helped you get your footing, skating backwards in front of you and holding both of your hands. After a few minutes on the ice, you got brave enough to skate on your own, and you miraculously managed to stay on your feet. However, after a while, your bravery turned to hubris, and you dared attempt a spin, resulting in you miserably falling on the ice, butt first. Sunghoon was worried for a second until he saw you laughing uncontrollably. You looked at him, wide-eyed, and said, “This is so much fun, Hoon.” You were so exhilarated that you hadn’t noticed the nickname slipping from your lips but the boy’s cheeks and ears turned redder than the bruise you had surely just earned yourself. Thankfully, if you commented on it, he could just blame it on the cold. 

He helped you up, and you skated on as if nothing had happened. This went on for another thirty minutes, you skating hand in hand and occasionally falling together (but most of the time, just you falling on your own). Sunghoon had been so nervous before bringing you here; he was scared you’d think his hobby was unmanly or lame, as he’d been made to feel. But seeing you have the time of your life, all his worries dissipated. This place was like a second home to him, and bringing someone into your home was always nerve-wracking, but he thought you fit perfectly in it. 

When you told him you were getting tired and wanted to sit for a while, you skated back together to the benches and he gave you some water from his bag. You sat in silence for a while, waiting for your breathing to come back to a normal pace. 

You broke the silence first. “So, why’d you take me here? Not that I’m complaining.”

He hesitated a second before speaking. "I used to come here all the time as a kid.” He didn’t look at you when he answered, keeping his gaze on his hands. “My mom would take me. She left us for another man the summer before middle school started. She left me alone with my asshole father.”

You let out a small gasp, not expecting such a confession. You placed your hand on his back for comfort and said, “I’m sorry, Sunghoon.”

He quickly glanced at you, a half-smile on his face. “Don’t be. Anyways, he had to somewhat start taking care of me now that my mom wasn’t there to do it.” He chuckled darkly. “I guess his idea of taking care of his son was forbidding him from doing the one thing he loved. He thought it was a stupid sport for a boy. He stopped all of my lessons and made me sign up for soccer, even though I hadn’t ever said I wanted to do that. I still came here from time to time, but I didn’t wanna risk getting caught. God knows what he’d have done if he saw me here.”

You weren’t sure what to say. You felt as if no words would be enough to express how his story made you feel. “I- it’s awful, what he did to you. No parent should ever make their child feel as though their passion isn’t worth it. If it’s any comfort, even though you were mostly helping me, I thought you looked ten times better on that rink than scoring any goal. And that’s saying something.”

He finally looked at you and grinned. “Thanks, Y/N.” He seemed to be thinking for a few seconds, and then continued: “I’ve had a lot of time to think about it, and I think that’s why it’s hard for me to open up to people and make lots of friends. I only trust Jake because I’ve known him forever and I can’t really get rid of him now,” he said with a chuckle, “and Jay, well, Jake took to him instantly in middle school so I guess I didn’t have a choice there either, and he’s not so bad anyway. The more people I let in, the more likely I am to get hurt. It’s much easier pretending I don’t wanna have anything to do with anyone than try. 

“I guess it’s also why I talked to you on that day. Sure, I ended up thinking you could help me with all those girls. But at first, when I saw someone like you, who looks like they have it all together, who’s actually the opposite in real life - no offense - it reminded me of myself. And I thought, maybe she’d understand. Which is why it was so easy to be myself around you.”

You took his hand in yours and pressed it slightly. “I’m glad you were.” You didn’t feel the need to say anything else, hoping it was enough.

“Now, your turn. What made you the person you are today?” he asked with a grin, trying to approach lightheartedly this heavy subject, which you appreciated.

“It’s all about making people think you’re someone else, isn’t it? Because, depending on who you are, they’ll treat you differently. I found that out as a kid, because I, too, have a tragic childhood backstory.” He gasped jokingly.

“It’s not as bad as yours, so sorry about that. Back in primary school, I already had this… attitude that I have today. I had quite the ego, and I didn’t want anyone doing better than me at school. I didn’t care about how I looked, if I was the prettiest girl in class or had the cutest shoes. I was the smarty-pants of the class, basically, and a lot of the kids teased me for that. But I also didn’t let myself get trampled over, and fought back, quite aggressively at that, so I was somehow the nerd and the troublemaker at the same time. I didn’t have the best reputation, but I did have a friend. Jay. Or Jongseong, at the time, before he got too cool for his real name,” you joked. “The thing is, I didn’t see him as a friend. Sure, I was only eight or nine, but I really liked him. And the day I was planning on confessing, I saw him hold hands with the prettiest girl in our class. So I never told him, and then he left for the US a few months later.

“During the time he was gone, I had a complete makeover and actually started caring about my appearance, especially when middle school started. So now I had academic validation from teachers, which I had craved since forever, and both female and male validation from all the girls telling me how pretty I was and all the guys liking me. The people who were in my primary school and went to the same middle school told them how I used to be, but nobody believed them, and if they did, they didn’t care, so everybody just gradually forgot about it. And I just got addicted to the validation, which is why I always studied harder and tried to be prettier, even when it turned into a complete lie. I thought that if I could make everyone believe I was perfect, then it didn’t matter what I was like in real life, so at home, I just let myself completely go. And even now that I’m aware of all of this, I still can’t stop.”

Sunghoon looked at you like you had just slapped him. “So, you used to have a crush on Jay?”

You looked at him in exasperation. “Seriously, Hoon? That’s what you get from everything I just told you?”

He smiled shyly. “Sorry. Thank you for telling me.” You sat there in comfortable silence for another few minutes, still hand in hand. Then, Sunghoon got up, grin on his face.

“Wanna see something cool?” You nodded at him, returning his grin. He headed back inside the rink.

You thought he was gonna show off by doing some fancy trick. But he started gliding on the ice, and you couldn’t believe what you were seeing. He took long strides that looked as natural to him as walking. He spinned one, two, three times, and continued skating as though it was nothing. You were completely mesmerized. You already thought he was out-of-this-world beautiful, but his beauty was brought to another level when he skated. His elegant moves rendered you breathless. When he skated back towards you, you were looking at him with only awe and admiration in your eyes. 

After what he’d told you and what he’d just shown you, you couldn't help but get a little emotional. You engulfed him in a hug as soon as he’d stepped out of the rink, your arms around his neck and his naturally coming to your waist. Your hands came up to his cheeks as you leaned back to properly look at him.

“That was- wow. That was amazing, Sunghoon. Thank you for showing me.” You could see the gratefulness in his eyes. There was something else there, and whatever it was, you knew you were looking back at him with as much of it. It was only you two in the building, but it might as well have been the two of you in the whole world. 

All too similarly as in your room, his gaze went from your eyes to your lips, and you couldn’t help but mirror that. This was the perfect moment. You inched your face closer, letting him close the gap between you. Your lips touched and it was as if everything fell into place. The kiss was shy at first, neither of you sure what to do, your mouths moving at a slow but steady pace. But as your hands traveled from his cheeks, to his jaw and down to his neck, and you felt him sigh in the kiss, something unclicked in you, making you want more. You deepened the kiss, and he returned it with just as much force. Your right hand came to grab at the nape of his hair and his hands gripped your waist tighter. After minutes or hours, you broke the kiss in need of some air. Your eyes met again and you smiled at him, relieved it had finally happened. 

You thought he’d have a similar reaction, but he suddenly looked panicked. Realization hit him like a truck. He liked you. Far too much. And even if the kiss and these past weeks told him you might like him back, it scared him. He’d unlocked his heart for you but couldn’t let you keep the key. Otherwise, he’d let you open it more and more and more until there he was completely bare in front of you, and you decided you didn’t like what you’d found and left him. Just like his mom did. Just like everyone eventually does. Just like his dad never even tried.

He took a step back. His panic was rubbing off on you. You called out his name, but he quickly got his bag and said, “Sorry, Y/N, I have to go. I’ll um- I’ll see you.” He took a few steps, turned around, and said, “I think you should take the bus tomorrow morning. Sorry.”

He started walking away. A few steps before he’d be out of your view, he turned back around. He hated the look on your face, how sad, confused and helpless it was all at once. Above all, he hated that he was the reason behind it. But he told himself it was better to leave you now than be left in a few months when you got bored of him, and started walking again without another word.

—

You walked home alone. It was a dark November night, and you were shivering from the cold and from sadness. Try as hard as you might, you couldn’t figure out why Sunghoon had reacted like that. The past month had gone so well, you were only getting closer and more comfortable with each other. The only logical conclusion you could come to was that kissing you had made him realize he didn’t like you. Thankfully, you didn’t live too far from the ice rink and you got home in five minutes. Lost in your thoughts, you couldn’t even be bothered to be quiet closing the front door and walking to your room, and you woke Sunoo up.

At first, he looked like he was about to scold you for making so much noise; but upon seeing your disheveled state, he started worrying. 

“Y/N? What’s wrong, why are you only coming home now? Where were you?”

You couldn’t hold it in any longer. You fell in your brother’s arms and started crying your heart out.

He held you for a little while, but not wanting to wake the others up by staying in the hallway, he said, “Come on, let’s get you in your room. You’re freezing.”

He left for a few minutes and came back with two cups of tea in his hands. He joined you on your bed. You had calmed down a bit and took a sip of the tea, already feeling warmer.

“So, tell me everything.”

And you did. Not just about what had happened at the ice rink, but everything before that: how yours and Sunghoon’s relationship was fake, which you hadn’t even told your siblings, but that it hadn’t kept you from falling for him, and how you really thought he felt the same way. When you got to the part where you told each other about your stories, Sunoo grabbed your arm in surprise, and said, “I can’t believe you told someone about that. Good for you, big sis.”

You sat in silence after a few minutes when you’d finished telling him everything, you, still reflecting on your evening, and him, trying to think of something good to say. He took a deep breath, and started: “You know, this might be completely useless, but I feel like there’s no point trying to figure out why he did that. We’re not mind readers, and assuming things will just go wrong. I think the best thing to do is just ask him tomorrow, or whenever you’re ready to face him, really.”

You looked at your brother fondly. “How can you be so stupid sometimes, yet so wise right now?”

Sunoo and you talked for another minute, but when you yawned for a good seven straight seconds, you both agreed it was time for bed. Before you fell asleep, you told yourself that tomorrow morning, you’d find Sunghoon and make him be clear with you. You at least deserved that.

—

Heeseung and Sumin were clearly surprised to see you the next morning in the bus, but you told them you didn’t want to talk about it and they didn’t push, although it very obviously had something to do with Sunghoon. As you rode the bus and psyched yourself for your conversation with him, you had no idea he was currently in the midst of a heated argument with Jay. The latter pushed him with force, making Sunghoon’s back hit the classroom wall behind him.

“What the fuck did you just say about Y/N?” Jay asked, venom in his voice and fury in his eyes.

Despite the pain, Sunghoon smirked, wanting to rile up his friend even more. “I said, Y/N’s just as stupid as all the other girls. She probably thinks she’s so much better than everybody, but in the end it was so easy making her fall for me. It was almost boring, really, how easy she was.”

Jay pushed him again. “Don’t fucking talk about her like that.”

“Aw, little Jay is getting upset over his little Y/N? You sad that the girl you like actually likes an asshole like me?”

Jay hadn’t had many reasons to get angry in his life. This was making him discover another side of himself; he didn’t know he could get this angry. He didn’t know rage could fill up his veins like that and make him want to destroy absolutely everything around him, but above all, the person in front of him who’d he considered a friend all these years. On the verge of losing control, he reared up his fist, before Sunghoon said:

“You know what’s even sadder? She used to like you, too.”

His arm dropped. “What?”

“Yeah, in primary school. Didn’t you think it was weird how different she was before and after you left? Her little heartbreak made her change everything about herself just so that people would like her. And now all she can do is lie to everyone. I pity her, really. And to think that she thought I liked her. What an idiot.”

That was the last straw. Jay punched Sunghoon square in the nose, making him stumble back a few steps until he hit the wall again. He held onto his bloody, and possibly broken, nose and looked Jay straight in the eyes, still smirking. Thinking his job was done (but not sure what the job was in the first place), he walked away, heading to the nurses’ station. The scene had gathered quite an audience outside. It was less than ten minutes to the first bell, so already quite a few students were there, but no one had dared to venture inside. Jake, arriving too late to prevent any damage, looked wide-eyed back and forth between Sunghoon walking out and Jay standing inside, fists clenched by his side and panting from anger.

Sunghoon barely spared him or anyone a glance as he left the room. What he did notice though, were a crumpled tuna-mayo sandwich and a banana milk on the floor, looking as though someone had dropped them.

What had he done?

—

You had already run back to your friends and were currently crying for the second time in twelve hours in Sumin’s arms. It was the first time ever you cried at school, and probably also in front of your friends, spare Sumin, so it was a curious sight to most; she took you to another room for privacy. 

There, you practically told her everything you had told Sunoo the night before, including the fake dating.

“Wait… so, you and Sunghoon weren’t actually dating?”

You nodded, embarrassed by your lie.

“I- Why didn’t you tell me, Y/N? How could you fool everyone like that?”

You looked up in surprise at your friend’s harsh words. You probably deserved them, but you weren’t used to hearing her speak in such a way, nor to the cold stare she was peering down at you with. 

“I don’t know… I’m really sorry…” you mumbled, ashamed.

She scoffed. “You should be. I just- I just don’t understand how you can already be living such a lie, and still add onto it. It makes me wonder how I’m still friends with you.” The bell rang right at that moment, and she got up, saying, “Let’s go to class. You wouldn’t wanna be late.”

You followed her, but you felt sick to your stomach. Usually, you could always hide your discomfort or sadness, no matter how bad your period cramps were or how serious an argument with your parents had gotten. But this time, it was too much, and fifteen minutes into the class, you asked the teacher to go to the nurse. Not used to you needing to leave class and trusting that it was for a legitimate reason, your teacher let you off and you quickly packed your bag and left. 

When you got to the nurse, you sat down in front of her and said you weren’t feeling well and wanted to go home. For the same reasons as your teacher, she said she’d let you but needed to ask you a few questions before about your general well-being. You answered them quickly, wanting to get this over with as soon as possible and just go home. 

When you finally were able to leave, you only took a few steps out of the nurse’s office before someone grabbed your wrist, making you turn around. Sunghoon, who was resting in the room next door, had heard your voice and gotten up as soon as he’d heard you leave. His nose was covered in bandages and his eye had started swelling and turning blue, and you mentally thanked Jay. You ripped your arm out of his grip and continued to walk away without a word. You were too tired to argue.

“Y/N, please, hear me out.”

This made you stop in your tracks, but you didn’t turn around. “Hear you out? I’ve already heard enough, Sunghoon. No need to explain, you made it very clear what you think of me.”

You started walking again but he doubled you and blocked your path in the narrow hallway. 

“Y/N, I’m sorry, if you’d just give me a minute-”

“I don’t care that you’re sorry, Sunghoon! Sorry doesn’t cut it. I trusted you. Actually trusted you. You out of all people should know how hard it is to do that. Or was that a lie too?” Seeing him in front of you, your sadness retreated to the back of your heart and you were left with only anger. 

“It wasn’t, I prom-”

“That doesn’t mean anything to me anymore.” You pushed past him and walked on. And this time, he let you go, even though the only thing you wanted him to do was make you stay. You so desperately wanted to hear him out and forgive him, but you knew you couldn’t do that. You had too much dignity, and it would only end up hurting you even further. 

So you didn’t shed a tear the whole way home. When you finally got to your bed, you didn’t have the energy to start crying. You fell asleep, tears quietly rolling down your face. 

—

You slept the whole day, waking up to a soft knock on your bedroom door. It was your mom, telling you Jay was here to see you. Everyone had been surprised to see you already at home when they came back from work or school, but they knew better than to wake you up.

“I’m surprised, you know. He’s gotten so handsome.”

You rolled your eyes at her. “Just tell him that I’m not feeling well and he should go home, please.”

“Oh, I’ve already tried to, honey. The boy is adamant on seeing you.”

You sighed. “Fine. Can you bring him here, then?”

A few seconds later, you heard another knock, and Jay opened the door just enough to peek his head through, asking if he could come in.

“Well, you’re already here, so might as well.”

You sat up and gestured for him to sit down on your bed.

He looked around, taking in the messiness of his surroundings. “You know, I thought your room would be much more… organized.”

“Didn’t Sunghoon tell you? I’m a big, fat liar who hides the truth from everyone,” you said sarcastically.

“About that… did you hear everything he said?” You hummed in response. “I’m so sorry you had to hear that, Y/N. I don’t know what happened to him. He’d never said anything like that about you, and then, all of a sudden… What an asshole. I can’t believe he was my friend.”

“Was? You shouldn’t end your friendship over me, Jay.”

“Are you kidding me? I can’t be friends with a guy who talks about anyone like that, let alone you.” After a few minutes of silence, he asked, “Did um- did anything happen, for him to say those things?”

You sighed deeply. “I’ve already told this story twice in the past few days, so I’ll give you the short version, but basically, we were fake dating, and I started really liking him, and I thought he did too, until we kissed, and he left me completely stranded, and then the next day I hear him say all those things.”

Silence again. You suddenly remembered something Sunghoon had said that you had completely put to the side: Jay likes you. At least, according to Sunghoon. You didn’t know if it was true, but judging by his disappointed face, it looked like it. Seemed like all of your friendships were going to hell.

“Oh,” he simply said.

“Yeah…” you murmured back. 

“Well,” he turned to you, “that just confirms to me that he’s an asshole. Cause no guy in his right mind would turn you down, Y/N. I know I wouldn’t.”

He looked straight at you as he said that. Yep. Jay liked you. It was a nice feeling, but it was also about ten years too late. 

“Do you- do you know what I’m trying to say, Y/N?” he asked, gulping.

You hesitated for a second before saying, ”I think I do, Jay. I have to say, your timing isn’t great.”

He chuckled a bit lifelessly. “Yeah, I guess right now isn’t the best time to say this.”

“I also meant, you know what Sunghoon said, earlier? That I liked you before you left for the US? That was true.”

He looked at you, mouth agape. “Oh, was it…” His head hung down in defeat. “I can’t believe I’ve been such an idiot. I feel like it’s my fault that Sunghoon hurt you like this. If only I’d been just a bit earlier…”

“None of this is your fault, Jay. Please don’t think that. It’s mine for thinking Sunghoon could actually like me back.”

Jay took a deep breath. “God, as much as it hurts me to say, Y/N, I think he did. Or does, actually.” You furrowed your brows at him. “Sunghoon, he has this thing where he goes into retreat mode as soon as he gets too close, too personal. It’s a stupid defense mechanism, and when he realizes he’s let you in a bit too far, he snaps everything closed and hurts you before you can hurt him. At least, that’s how he sees it, I guess. He’s done it to Jake and me a couple times, and it takes some getting used to, but he stops after a while. When he knows for sure that you won’t hurt him.”

You didn’t know what to do with this information, so you just stayed quiet, which Jay took as a sign to go on.

“I’m not saying forgive him. Believe me, if I could smack him into space and never let him see you again, I would. But I think maybe, just maybe, and you don’t have to if you don’t want to, hear him out.”

You smiled at him. “You’re a good friend, Jay. And I don’t mean just to me but to Sunghoon as well. I hope you know that.”

Jay tried to ignore the pinch in his heart at the word ‘friend’ and smiled back.

“Oh, there’s another thing I needed to show you.” His tone was suddenly much more apprehensive, and he looked both sorry and scared to say whatever he was about to say.

He pulled out his phone and searched the thing in question. Before showing you anything, he warned, “Nobody knows who did this. It was sent out to the whole school on a library computer-”

Expecting the worst, you snatched Jay’s phone from his hands. And there they were. Pictures of you from your primary school years, recent pictures of you in your comfortable clothes, at home or in close proximity to your house. Sent out to the whole school, as Jay had said. You were horror-struck. You could feel all the years you had spent perfecting your image and maintaining it crumbling around you as though they were paper. Charismatic smiles and trendy accessories had been your brick and mortar, but a sledgehammer had hit them, destroying your foundations further with each swing.

And that sledgehammer had a name: Bae Sumin. You’d figured it out in an instant. You’d been friends your whole life, she was the only one apart from your family to know about your true face; only she would have access to such photos. You knew it wasn’t Sunghoon because the pictures he had taken that day weren’t there.

If what had happened with Sunghoon had made a crack in your heart, then this had shattered it into a million pieces. The person who you’d trusted the most, who you’d thought would never do anything to hurt you, had done the worst thing anybody could do to you.

“Y/N- are you okay?” Jay asked tentatively. You had forgotten he was there.

“Um, yeah, yeah- I think I just need to be alone for now, if that’s okay.”

“Are you sure? I don’t mind staying a while.”

“Sorry, Jay, but I’m sure.”

He looked at you for a few seconds. He’d never felt more distance between you two, not even when you had been oceans apart. “Alright. Call me if you need anything. I mean it.”

You smiled a tiny, tiny smile in response and he left your room. On his way out, your mom hugged him, saying it was nice to see him again and that he was welcome anytime, and he thanked her.

As he walked home, he couldn’t help but bitterly laugh to himself. Even when he confessed, he hadn’t been able to say the words he’d wanted to tell you this whole time: I love you.

—

You didn’t go to school for the rest of the week, the only stain on your perfect attendance record. All of your friends had tried to reach you, asking if you were okay, and you replied in a few small messages, telling them you’d be back when you could. Other people had contacted you, asking if those pictures were real. You obsessed over your school’s gossip Instagram account: the past few days, all the posts had been dedicated to your pictures and Sunghoon’s and Jay’s fight. You had ten missed calls from Sunghoon and seventeen from Sumin. You ignored each and everyone of them, only giving Jay, Heeseung, Sieun and Jiung the time of day. 

On Sunday morning you woke up, already dreading going to school the next day. You could already picture the nasty stares and whispers you’d get in the hallways. You thought about facing Sumin and Sunghoon again, and you thought the worst thing possible would be to have to do it at school. So you decided to wait until they called you again, as you knew they would, and finally picked up their call.

Sumin contacted you first, at eleven in the morning. You agreed to have her come over to your house to talk. When she appeared at your front door, you realized you weren’t sad, angry, or disappointed; you were just confused. You didn’t understand why she’d done it. Looking at her face, you couldn’t imagine her sitting down at that computer and sending out those pictures, writing the comment This is what Kim Y/N is like in real life.

You let her in and walked to your room, your siblings’ eyes burning holes into her soul the whole time. You sat down on your bed, sighed, and said, “Go ahead.”

“Thank you for letting me come here and explain myself. I don’t know what took over me, Y/N. Well actually, I guess I do. Jealousy, as stupid as it sounds.” She chuckled at herself. “I’ve always tried to hide it, but I’ve always been a bit jealous of you, Y/N. You’re the prettiest girl, the smartest, the nicest, and I’m just the best friend. That’s all anyone knows me as. Everybody loves you, yet I know it’s all a facade. And I’m not saying that to be mean, because I know you’re an amazing person even without all the glamor. And when I saw you with Sunghoon, I mean, you saw how I was. I didn't fight with my parents. I was so, so jealous. You hadn’t shown interest in any guy since Choi Soobin and all of a sudden you were dating Park freaking Sunghoon, and he knew about your quote-on-quote ‘real’ face, so I couldn’t even comfort myself that he didn’t know who you really were.”

“Wait- why would you be jealous of Sunghoon and me?”

She took a deep breath. “You remember, freshman year, when I confessed to him and he turned me down?”

“Yeah, but I thought that was in the past.”

“Do you also remember that guy I told you about later on, who I’d gotten really close with but completely shut me off when I thought we were about to start dating?”

Something clicked, but you didn’t want to face it. “Yeah…”

“Well, surprise surprise, they were the same person. Ha. I got mad at you for lying to me, but I did the same thing.”

“Sumin… Why did you never tell me?”

“I’m not sure. When we were in that talking stage, I could’ve bragged about it to anyone, you know, that Park Sunghoon was actually being nice to me, but I didn’t. I wanted to keep him my little secret. And then I confessed, and we all know how that ended.” A beat passes as she takes a deep breath, shaking the bad memory away. “I am over it, it was more than three years ago. Maybe there was a nice part of me that thought he had changed, because you seemed happy with him, and I didn’t want to ruin that. But maybe there was another part that hoped he might hurt you like he did me. And that’s such a shitty thing to do, I know. I should’ve told you when I saw you get involved with him. I can’t believe after all these years, he did the exact same thing to you that he did to me. What an asshole.”

You were staring at the wall in front of you, feeling empty. Why did everything have to happen at the same time? You were just drained of any willpower.

“This doesn’t explain the pictures,” you said plainly.

“Right. When you told me you were fake dating, I guess something snapped in me. I couldn’t believe it was another lie, I thought we had gone past the stage where you hid things from me. So that, plus jealousy, I just went a bit crazy, I think. I really wasn’t thinking, Y/N, and I promise you with all my heart that if I could go back and undo everything, I would. I’m so, so, so sorry. I regretted it as soon as I hit post.”

You looked at your friend and knew she was telling the truth. You believed her, and yet you couldn’t quite look past it.

“I know you are, Minie. It’s just… what am I gonna do now at school? Everybody must hate me.”

“I won’t lie, some people haven’t been saying the nicest things, especially Park’s fangirls. But God, Y/N, and please don’t take this the wrong way, but who cares? They’ll talk about it for a week, two at most. Your life at school won’t be the same, but you’ll still have all of us. I’ve talked to Heeseung, Sieun and Jiung, and they’re not the tiniest bit mad at you. They’re just worried to death. A bit confused too, but mostly worried. And you know what? Even Yujin, Wonyoung and Gaeul, who I’ve literally never talked to before, came to ask me how you were. Jay and Sunghoon are barely on talking terms but they always team up when it comes to practically verbally assaulting anyone they overhear talking behind your back. Jake has to hold them back sometimes but he always glares at those people too. You don’t wanna see Jake Sim glare, I promise you. It’s so scary,” she says in a confessional tone, visibly shuddering just at the thought of angel-faced Jake looking angry, and you can’t help the small chuckle that escapes your lips.

Her face softens as she places a warm palm over your hand. “We all love you and care for you so much, so screw literally every single other person in that school. They don’t matter.”

There was something refreshing about Sumin’s words. The idea that you could live your life without worrying about other people had always been in the back of your head, but you always told yourself you were in too deep to go back. Now that you had been forced to, you understood why you felt so empty: the immense weight of having to keep up a persona, had been lifted off your shoulders. You would only have to carry yourself, and not a second person, which made you feel weightless. You’d just have to get used to it and come to enjoy that feeling.

You took your friend’s hands in yours. “I want to forgive you, I promise I do. And I will. I just don’t know if I can do that right away. I’ll need some getting used to this new life.”

“I completely understand, Y/N.”

“But that doesn’t mean I don’t want you around anymore. And you know what, I’m sure one day I’ll look back at this moment and thank you.”

—

Sumin left a few hours later and you were now waiting for Sunghoon to call you. You waited and waited, until your phone rang with a small ding: he wasn’t calling you, but had sent you a message. A very, very long message. You were very tempted to reply with a I ain’t reading all that. I’m happy for u tho. Or sorry that happened, but you thought it might not be the appropriate moment. 

You opened the message, which had come after thirty unread texts, and started reading, slightly appalled by the lack of paragraphing.

Dear Y/N, 

Is this how you start a long text? I would much rather be telling you this than writing it, but someone hasn’t been picking up my calls. Sorry. I probably shouldn’t be giving you much attitude right now. Where do I even start? The ice rink, I guess. Asshole move #1, obviously. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left you like that. That kiss was really really good and I really really liked it. Because I really really like you. And I think I’ve known that for a while now, but the kiss confirmed it. And I was happy for a second, but then I panicked. There’s no other word for it, I panicked. I’ve never liked someone this much before and I was so scared. I still am. I’m terrified shitless. But I know that my fear is completely irrational, and that you’re literally the best person on Earth, which is why I’m writing this. I know it’s cliché to say my mom left me and now I think everybody will. And my first reaction to that is to hurt someone before they can hurt me, which is what I did. But as much as I wanna fight it, it’s always there at the back of my mind. You can even ask Sumin about it. Should I be saying that? I feel like I might as well. I was an asshole to her, and I’m so angry at myself that I did it again with you. I didn’t mean a single word of what I said about you to Jay. Not a single one. You’re not stupid, you’re the smartest and most amazing girl I know, and I never pretended I liked you, because I never had to. I think I just wanted Jay to punch me, really. I wanted him to run to you and make sure you were okay, because I was too scared to do that myself. But I regret doing that so much. I hope you know that. And bless Jay, he’s a real one. He told me to get my shit together and talk to you. I can tell he’s still mad at me but still wants to make things good between us. I was already trying to call you before he said that, but I probably would’ve said something stupid that would’ve made things worse. And I can’t afford that, Y/N, I really, really can’t. You get me like no one does and being with you is the most liberating thing ever, I’m never myself more than when I’m around you. You just bring out the best in me. Well, except for that thing I did. Which I promise I’ll never do again. I am so extremely sorry, and if you wanna hate me for the rest of your life, I completely get it. But I would also be very happy if you didn’t. I hope I’ll see you tomorrow at school. I really miss you.

Your Hoon

You wiped away the tears that had formed in your eyes and typed back:

You’re such an idiot, Park.

I’ll see you tomorrow.

—

The next day, as you imagined, was mostly hell. You’d decided not to dress up as usual: there was no point trying to look good after this, it would only make you seem more ridiculous. You put less makeup on, not bothering to hide your eye bags, and didn’t bling your outfit up with accessories or fancy shoes, opting for your worn-out Converse you’d had since your feet stopped growing. On the bus, where people usually ignored each other, you could already feel the gossip being told about you. You avoided people’s gaze like the plague and sat down next to Sumin. You laid your head on her shoulder and sighed.

“I already wanna go home.”

She laughed, “I know. We’ll be with you the whole day, so don’t worry.”

You spent the bus ride catching up on what had happened when you were gone (nothing much), and although there was some awkwardness there, it was nice being with your best friend. When Heeseung got on, he practically screamed your name and suffocated you by means of greeting.

“I’m so glad you’re back. You know, I think you look really cute in those pictures. All these people are just jealous they don’t look as good as you even when you don’t dress up.”

Sumin shot daggers with her eyes at him and he cringed, saying, “Sorry, I shouldn’t have mentioned that.”

You reassured him, saying that it was fine since it was all you were going to be hearing the next few days. “Might as well get used to it.”

It was somewhat easy to ignore the stares coming your way when you walked into school with Heeseung and Sumin flanked at your sides like bodyguards. When you reached your classroom, Jiung engulfed you in a hug and Sieun was almost crying. How the hell had you gotten such sweet friends? 

In the hallways, some people tried to get reactions out of you by calling you out, yelling liar! or you can’t fool us anymore. You couldn’t ignore them as they were very much in your face. When at lunch, a table of girls next to you was very clearly talking about you in the nastiest way possible, you took your tray and were ready to get up and leave, but a very familiar voice stopped you in your tracks.

“You think it’s funny talking about someone like that?” Sunghoon was practically screaming at the girls. “You think you’re any better than her? I bet you do the exact same thing but are just glad someone else got called out for it.” You weren’t sure if that made you feel much better, but you appreciated the effort.

“As a matter of fact,” he continued as he pulled out a chair and got up on it, his voice getting louder, “I’ve got something I wanna say to everyone.”

Somebody whooped (probably Jake) and you tried to get Sunghoon to come down from the chair, but he just smiled his radiant smile at you and turned to look at the students in the cafeteria.

“All of you who judge Y/N are hypocrites. You wanna tell me you’re all as perfect at home as you are at school? That you never relax a little bit? Sure, she pushed it a bit far- (hey! you grunted in protest), but nobody shows who they truly are to everyone. We all judge each other in this stupid high school, so Y/N did what she had to do and protected herself. If anything, this should make you respect her even more. And it’s not like she did anything wrong to you. She didn’t use her popularity against anyone, so you better not use this against her.”

From the crowded tables in the cafeteria, somebody yelled “Nobody cares!”

Somebody, whose voice you thought you recognized as Jungwon’s, joined in: “Yeah, what is it about you seniors and thinking the whole school revolves around you? We still like Y/N!”

Sunghoon, taken aback, simply said, “Oh. Alright. Well, you better keep it that way then!” and got off his chair. 

He turned to you, already a pleading look on his face and said “Y/N, I’m so sorry-”

But you cut him off right away. “I know, Sunghoon, I know. I think this proved it.”

“I really wanna make it up to you. So just tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it. Buy you a house, move to another country, you name it. I’ll do it.”

You chuckled at him. “You don’t need to go that far.” You looked down, then back at him. “I think I just want to pretend like nothing happened. Like it was all a huge, awful fever dream. Even if I can’t forgive and forget right away, I don’t think I want you out of my life while I figure it out.”

He let out the biggest sigh you’d ever heard. “My God, you don’t know how happy to hear that, Y/N. Thank you so much.”

“Thank you for defending me just now. That was… definitely something.”

He smiled down at you. "I did my best. Too bad those sophomores ruined everything.”

You could feel eyes burning into your sides, so you turned your head a bit and noticed that your friends and the table of girls that had just been gossiping were staring at you, some of them teary-eyed. When they saw you notice them, they all turned back to each other and pretended that they were having some other conversation. You and Sunghoon chuckled, and you realized how much you had missed him.

Yes, Sunghoon and Sumin had hurt you, but you were a strong believer of second chances. Even if it was hard at first to stop thinking about Sunghoon’s voice when he had said those things or Sumin’s intentions when she posted the pictures, they’d made it up to you in any way they could and you’d reciprocated that by being completely honest. No more trying to look perfect all the time; you were human and were allowed to have low moments. Your grades even dropped by two points, because you’d started spending more time with your friends than with your textbooks. You’d spent whole Saturdays at the ice rink with your now real-boyfriend Sunghoon, and had invited the whole crew. Heeseung was surprisingly good at it. You had even caught your little sister Yeeun on a date with the cute Japanese boy she’d talked about. 

As promised, Jay came once a week or every two weeks to have dinner with your family; Sunghoon always insisted on being present. The tension between them had turned into friendly competition, and you could tell the two friends were glad to have each other back. 

You’d never felt so free. Your relationship with Sunghoon felt like uncharted territory and home at the same time; so daunting and exciting yet so comfortable and relaxing. You kept the PDA at a minimum at school, but when it was just the two of you, your whole body never failed to heat up, even in the cold of the ice rink. He had been nicknamed the ice prince, but he was so, so warm.

In the end, everybody found out. But you had Park Sunghoon by your side, so it was alright.

permanent taglist: @zreamy @sunghoonmybeloved @lalalalawon @sd211 @w3bqrl @raikea10 @wntrnghts @moonlighthoon @4imhry @rikisly @loves0ft @iamliacamila @theboingsuckerasseater9000 @chaechae-23 @baekhyuns-lipchain @hyuckslvr @vernonburger (ask to be removed/added!)

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[anticanonsposts]

Sex-mishaps w/ König

let’s be real mistakes happen during sex (a lot) and most writing doesn't include it (mine included) , so here are some that happen w/ König

nsfw-mdni

cw: blood, injury, crying, anger?, reference to female anatomy

you both have your fair share of doing slightly embarrassing things during sex, most of them happened during your first few times but obvi these things don’t have an expiration date 

some of yours...

once after the two of you were apart for two weeks and you finally had sex again, you started crying a little 

nothing hysterical, you were just very overwhelmed with the pleasure and intimacy that you had been missing 

since it was really just your eyes welling up, he didn’t notice until you had orgasmed and once he did he was very concerned, thinking he had hurt you or rushed things

but you assured him you were fine, and then pounced on him to finish him off, getting rid of any worry he had 

another time, the first time he ever called you schatz was during sex, and not knowing what it meant you truly thought it was the name of someone else

you had been riding him, he had a death grip on your butt/hips murmuring praises while his eyes were glued to your body 

then he says it, ‘just like that schatz’ which causes you to scrunch your face up in confusion and then anger ‘What the fuck did you just say?!’ he sits up when you say this trying to bring you closer to him ‘say what, I’m sorry, y/n what?’ and you not so gently push him to lay back down with your palms against his chest

you start to get off of him but he keeps his grip on you and pulls you back down ‘what is schatz?’

there it is, that fucking name again, who did he think he is, ‘who is that?’ you ask back and his eyes wander for a second before gulping, finally understanding

'schatz means treasure liebling '

‘oh fuck me’ you say completely embarrassed, covering your face with your hands ‘I’m so fucking sorry, did I hurt you’ you say assessing any damage (there’s none) you made to his chest when you pushed him 

he just chuckles and forgives you 

(it was honestly kind of hot, how you got mad) (whenever you are assertive he gets really turned on hehehe)

another one of your first few times you go over to his place, you two start going at it and you don’t think and before you know it you are squirting on his bed

you feel so bad because you made a huge wet patch and you keep covering your face and he is just rumbling with laughter partly because of your polite reaction but also because he was just proud that he made you squirt!!

now onto him...

one time he came way to fast and felt so bad

you had been laying down under him, grinding yourself on his leg that he had placed in between yours 

and you just looked so pretty, and your noises were so sweet and hot 

then you really got him by pulling your shirt up, exposing your tits to him 

while you continued grinding on his leg, he took them in his hands/mouth and started grinding back onto your hip 

everything just kept feeling better and better until before he knew it he felt his climax approaching

groaning into your neck, you started to feel a slight wet spot form against his pants 

breathlessly you looked up at him ‘did you?....’

‘scheisse!’ he replied as he pulled away from you sitting up on his knees, trying to cover his face with a hand, completely fucking embarrassed, he wasn’t even inside of you, you didn’t even touch him :(

in this moment he thought for sure you wouldn’t want to do anything with him ever again, that he was pathetic, that he was not able to perform 

you just looked at him with a hazy look telling him not to worry and that you didn’t mind in the slightest 

if anything, you told him that it was pretty hot that he got off to just making out/dry humping with you 

similar to another fic I wrote ('sex drought' check it out its great) one time you were on top of him and he was fucking up into you... 

he got a little over zealous while cumming and unexpectedly gave a really hard thrust which sent you flying forward with the force of his core/thighs

before you could processes what was happening your head was already slamming into his nose

it took him longer to realize what happened than you, he started bleeding everywhere and you were so worried that you broke your bf’s nose :( 

you two end up going to the hospital and opt to just explain what happened to the doctor so that they didn’t think it was any sort of domestic violence

könig was blushing the whole time and the nurse/doctor just raised their eyebrows and said wow   

long story short, it wasn’t broken, just a lot of blood 

this also resulted in you cradling his head every night giving him so many kisses because you felt so bad (he liked the baby treatment so he wasn’t gonna complain) 

overall...awkward/embarrassing stuff happens but you two just laugh it off

[velvetlilith777]

Cedar Smoke

Sebastian x Reader

Author's Note: Another practice drabble! This one was loosely inspired by a plot post I saw on tik tok that was so cute it stayed in my head rent free. Also wrote this one gender neutral and I think I did pretty okay if that's chill to say.

Synopsis: Neither you or Sebastian sleep well, so you decide to spend the nights hanging out together since there's nothing better to do. It's just a way to kill time, right?

CW: Fluff mostly!!! They aren't in a relationship. Swearing bc it's a Seb fic so of course there is. Mentions and descriptions of anxiety and mental health problems. Oh also cigarettes because - Sebastian <3

Word Count: 2k

Tick. Tick. Tick.

It was enough to drive a person mad. An incessant reminder of every second you weren't resting.

You were tired, of course you were. Operating a successful farm and carrying the needs of a small community on your back wasn't for the weak. Every part of your body and mind ached for rest at the end of every day.

Each night followed the same routine: get home, bond with your dog, eat dinner, shower and head to bed. At the end of it, you always felt like you'd be able to fall asleep as soon as your head hit the pillow. However, when your head would finally lay and you'd begin to drift off, the last second before the sweet release of your dreams was met with what felt like a hammer to your chest. Knocking the wind out of you, you'd shoot upright upon being greeted by your old friend, anxiety. It wasn't the normal kind you dealt with on a daily basis, manageable with medication and some methods Harvey had taken the time to teach you. It was much worse and much heavier in your body. You weren't sure what the root cause was, just that it had been happening every night for months now matter what you changed or how you tried to cope.

You'd been lying there for hours, the clock finally hitting your last nerve. Sighing, you rolled over in search of your phone, finding it shoved under your pillow from when you gave up on a video or a game helping you calm down. The screen illuminated far too bright as you turned it on. Noticing you had a text notification from 20 minutes ago, you already knew who was trying to reach you at such an hour.

Seb: sleeping?

Of course he wasn't either. Though he would never fully share what was on his mind, you knew similar circumstances kept him awake well past most people too.

nope 🙃

Seb: same. wanna chill again?

yeah, you can come over here if you want

Seb: cool, be there soon

Standing up from your bed, you started fumbling around in the dark looking for something to change into instead of your pajama shirt. Settling on a sweatshirt, you threw it on and left your pajama pants for your bottoms before remembering that everything would've been easier if you'd just turned a light on. You really weren't sure how you were able to get about your day anymore with the effects of sleep deprivation in full swing.

The first time the two of you had spent the night in each other's company was accompanied by a symphony of frogs surrounding the lake by his house. The familiar pang of nighttime anxiety pushing you to search for any solution, you'd taken a walk under the stars to try and work through the tightness in your chest when you stumbled upon him smoking in search of similar relief. Since that night when you'd both realized you had similar luck around sleep, spending the dark hours together had become common, happening most nights of the week.

Padding out to your living room, you turned a single lamp on and plopped down on your couch while you waited for Sebastian to arrive. You began to scroll through instagram to pass the time, only making it through a handful of posts before you heard a knock on your door.

"It's open!" A half shout left your throat.

Creaks filled your ears as the programmer swung the door open letting himself in. A smile crept across his lips as a greeting.

"Hey, are you cold?" His nose was covered in a flush of red, reflecting the chill beginning to settle in for the upcoming season.

"Always. We can start a fire?" Your head tilted towards the stone fireplace his mother had carefully installed in your home during your last renovation.

"Thank god, it's fucking freezing out there" he let out a low chuckle while shutting the cabin door.

"I can make us some coffee too? Decaf, though, unless you want to commit to this whole 'awake when we shouldn't be' thing?" You poked, hopping up and striding towards the mug cabinet in your kitchen.

Sebastian glanced up from the fireplace where he'd already achieved a successful kindle over to where you had sat two of your favorite mugs. "Decaf is fine, but only because we should be sleeping. Don't give me that shit during the day."

The two of you locked eyes, the emo giving you a snarky side smile.

"I wouldn't dream of it."

With your mugs full of your shared favorite beverage, you returned to your spot on the sofa and pulled out the giant, chunky blanket Emily had knit for you last Feast of the Winter Star. Sebastian followed not long after, the fireplace crackling with the sounds of warmth.

"What's the vibe for tonight?" Your usual cheery tone coated your words even at this hour.

"Mmhm, we could start The Witcher over again? It's been awhile." Fabric slid across your legs as he tugged the blanket lightly to join you in bundling up.

"I'll never say no long-haired Henry Cavill!"

Taking a swig of his coffee, he snorted a laugh and shook his head at your thirst. You met his gaze with a giggle, reaching for the remote on the table beside him. The familiar dum dum of the Netflix intro sound filled your living room as you flipped on the series you'd rewatched a dozen times now.

Feeling a familiar cramp start up in your thighs from the hours of labor you put into your work each week, you decided you hadn't picked the most comfortable position to rest in having sat cross legged on the couch. Sebastian caught you wincing out of the corner of his eye as you adjusted your legs for any alleviation from how taught your muscles had become.

"You okay?" It came out almost a whisper, so quiet you weren't sure if he meant to ask at all.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah. Just sore from the farm. Sitting like this isn't helping either" a light laugh followed your words as you attempted to deflect from how unpleasant your pain had actually become.

He studied your face for a moment, your eyebrows had begun to furrow at the burn throughout your body while you continued to squirm in search of comfort. How you had overworked yourself to this point of exhaustion and still were wide awake with him he both did and did not understand. You should be passed out by now, but mental health was a bitch that took no prisoners, he knew that well.

"Would it help if you laid down?"

Shaking your head while giving him a tired smile, you returned "no, I can't watch the show from my room and I can't sleep either, remember?"

"No, on me" the emo blurted out so quickly he didn't realize how timid he should've been. "I meant, would it help if you laid on me. Out here."

Your mouth parted in shock briefly before finding the wit to respond. "Oh no, I really wouldn't want to do that to you I'll be f-"

"I don't mind. Promise" his face was straight aside from the worry lines on his forehead, giving away his genuine concern for you as he cut you off.

"Here." He gently helped you stand up before positioning himself horizontally on the cushions, resting his head on the arm. Once he had settled, his hand tapped against his chest beckoning you to him.

"Okay, fine, but this is better for your neck," you sighed a small laugh before tossing a throw pillow at his face. As you moved to crawl on top of him, he adjusted the pillow behind his head and moved to bring the blanket back over the both of you.

Stretching out, it was as if your body began to melt into his. Scent overwhelmed you in the best way. The air smelt of cedar from the fire, while the smell of tobacco smoke lingered on his hoodie. You weren't sure what cologne he wore, but something spicy and warm enveloped your head. Beams of light danced on the walls as the fire flickered around. Moment by moment, the ache in your chest grew lighter.

Geralt and Stregobor had just begun speaking in the illusion of the mage's tower when your eyes started to flutter shut. Sebastian's heartbeat thumping in your ear with the comfort of your favorite show in the other was enough to finish lulling you off with the anxiety now at bay. Once you allowed yourself to surrender to the exhaustion that was now your biggest worry, waking you up wouldn't be possible until morning.

"Want to watch the next one?" Sebastian quizzed as episode one came to a close.

Silence. Not even a twinge of movement left your body. He pushed your hair out of your face while he peered down at you in hopes of getting your attention. Greeted with the most peaceful he'd seen your face in months, the reality of the situation washed over him. You actually fell asleep. The corners of his mouth crept upward, relief brought to his mind that one of you was able to rest after all.

Seb pressed play on the next episode. Checking the time, he decided he'd put you to bed after this one and head home. His thumb mindlessly rubbed circles on your back and in your hair. Tension grew on the tv, but he found himself yawning when he should've been paying the most attention. Shit. He was about to fall asleep too. Realizing he wouldn't be able to make it through the rest of the hour, a wave of guilt hit him - he wanted to stay. Your body felt like the kindest weighted blanket on his own. The smells of amber and vanilla from your shampoo had been filling his nose as he played with your hair. His brain was quiet, and he couldn't remember the last time it was.

No. It would be wrong to overstay his welcome just because both of you had found peace in this moment. You weren't awake and able to ask him to stay and he wouldn't let himself cross any unspoken boundaries you may have had.

His elbows found the bottom cushions. He began to push both of you up in an effort to carry you to bed. As he slowly started moving, so did your head. Your arms wrapped around little tighter around his back. He froze, hearing you grumble something incoherent while your eyebrows furrowed together. Fuck. He wasn't sure how to get out from under you and keep you asleep.

Pulling an arm out from under him, he began to stroke your hair again.

"Hey, I need to get you to bed" he cooed.

You lightly shook your head, your brows still knit together. You muttered a small no along with it, but it was quiet enough to leave room for doubt.

He wasn't sure what to do. If he kept going, you were bound to wake up fully. You weren't actually awake enough to make a sound decision, but the small gestures you did manage made it seem like you wanted him to stay right there and stop moving. It went against everything in his moral code to stay without welcome, and he didn't want to put your friendship at risk. But god, his brain was calm and you were so comforting.

"Fuck it" he whispered to himself. If this was the wrong decision, he would gladly pay the price in the morning. His head met the pillow you'd given him as he wrapped his arms back around you. He swore he saw a smile tug at the corners of your lips in response. Hitting play on the show again, he let the quiet of his mind and the serenity of the moment soothe him away.

For the first time in years, he got a full night's worth of rest in your company.

[nerdieforpedro]

He told me his name

The Mandalorian/ Din Djarin x plus size female reader

My entire blog is 18+ MDNI

Word Count: approx. 1.3k

Summary: It's not clear if you enter The Mandalorian's orbit or you enter his, but slowly the two of you are growing closer.

Warnings: vague mentions of mechanic work, HANDS (It's my thing about Din okay?!), fluff, some violence, blood, injuries and first aid

Notes: I've wanted to write another Din fic for a while and didn't have any sparks. Then I read @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin 's Din fic (Sorgan girls Are Easy) she put out yesterday which is excellent. I had my spark. ⚡️ Though the fic I wrote isn't similar to hers at all. Not even in the same category. 🤣 My fic is very moody. I might write a follow-up one shot to this.

Dividers are by the wonderful @saradika-graphics

Main Masterlist / Din Djarin Masterlist /Our Journey Across the Star Ocean

Lingering near your workstation had you curious, but you chalked it up to just being curious about how you worked. You’re aware that your organization, separation and tinkering can be slower than other mechanics but it also means you don’t need to double check your work as often.

The Mandalorian was intimidating and never rude or even commanding. In fact he was polite and let Peli speak to him pretty casually. You only said hello and goodbye.

That’s why it struck you with surprise when Peli asked during one evening card game with the droids if you’d consider riding with the “walking tin can” as she put it. You blinked and asked why you, shouldn’t he be asking her to come with him. She told you that she had a business to run and she’s not gallivanting around with a trigger happy bounty hunter who has to keep track of an adorable but absurdly strong baby. 

“You need some excitement anyway. You’ll just waste away here without any good memories or fun stories to tell. It will just be a life of regrets of paths not taken.”

Her words rang in your head as the small green child sat in your lap. The Mandalorian was at the controls, silently charting their course. Was this a good decision?

He allowed you to come with him when he got his tracking fobs and when he turned in his bounties. The first touch was between your shoulder blade to your back, guiding you and the child through the market back to the Razor Crest.

The second was when his gloved hands touched yours while trying to improve your aim using a blaster. His voice was more gentle than his normal flat one. Closer to what he used with Grogu but still not as much warmth. It was enough to have you believe him to be kind.

The third happened after he brought a bounty back to the ship and he saw Grogu patting your cheeks as you spoke to him. Explaining about what different bolts did, it looked like you were organizing your tools again. His gloved hand was placed on your shoulder which had you peer up at his t-visor. He gave you a nod and went to inventory his weapons. Maybe it wasn’t just kindness. Maybe he believes you to be useful, a smile creeps along your face.

Such small gestures continued until you took Grogu out for a walk. 

It was a fairly green planet and Din said it was safe, you didn’t wander far from the ship as it was still in view. The first crawling plant you saw and shot it through and through with your blaster. The second, nipped your leg but you were able to knock it off and shot it twice. On the way back to the ship you were clear, but one jumped the gangway and a tentacle sliced across your back before you were able to turn and shoot it. You limped back into the Razor Crest and were able to clean and dress your leg but not your back. Grogu wouldn’t stop screaming and you kept moving him away from you to not get blood on the poor child.

The bounty hunter saw you, quickly put his bounty on carbonate and grabbed the bacta spray. He spoke to his son and was able to calm him slightly as he ripped your shirt and bra to try and access the wound on your back but the blood and secretions in your wound from the tentacle made it increasingly difficult as you bled. 

“I apologize for this. I’ll need to cut off the rest of the back of your shirt to clean and apply the spray and…” He paused. The Mandalorian you know never paused, he was always measured in his speech, even with Grogu. “It may be easier for me to do if I remove my gloves. They’ve become too slick with your blood. Is that alright?” You found it puzzling that he was asking permission considering it’s one of the main tenets of his religion. You didn’t care either way as long as the bleeding and pain stopped. 

“It’s fine Mando. Do what you need to do. Grogu’s okay right? I didn’t get any blood on him, I think.”

You closed your eyes and heard the Mandalorian give a few curses as he removed his gloves, warm calloused fingers were dabbing your back and applying pressure. After holding it a few minutes, you felt the cool spray of the bacta and some patches being applied with more pressure. There seemed to be less pain and your back didn’t feel like a dripping pool so you counted your lucky stars and thanked the Maker that the bounty hunter had come back earlier than later. You felt something soft spread over your body and you were lifted off the floor of the ship and brought to your cot. How did he lift you so easily? Did beskar help with that? You didn’t think so, but you know next to nothing about the stuff. It was there that you drifted off to sleep.

When you awoke later, Grogu had tucked himself on your pillow with a small green hand on your cheek. It made you feel happy to see the little green one next to you, but you felt something in your hand. It was what had been on your back. Mando had one of his gloves off and was holding your hand with his bare one. His other hand was touching Grogu’s back but his glove was on. You turned away for a moment to let a tear fall. He cares about you, you’re more than useful, maybe.

Grogu remained asleep but Mando awoke, squeezing your hand in his. “You’re awake? Has the pain subsided? I should check-” You turned back to shush him and carefully sat up, the blanket falling off your partially and he released your hand to pull it around you. The back of your shirt was open and had fallen forward some when you got up, but not expose anything thankfully.  “You should keep warm. We’re on our way back to turn in the bounty. I-I am sorry.”

“There’s no reason to be sorry. They came out of nowhere. I was able to not get killed because of the blaster shots you had me practice and Grogu’s safe so-” Since you’re not holding Mando’s hand any longer, you grasp the blanket, to have something in your hand.

“You were not safe. You were hurt badly. Do…I would not blame you if you wanted to leave.” His register is low, not threatening, but there’s sadness in it. He was sitting at your bedside mere moments ago. You wished to hop back in time and keep still so you wouldn't wake him. Just to have stayed in that moment a bit longer…

“I refuse to go. I will not. You’ll have to toss me off. I’ve seen so many things and places and I want to see that much more. You’re stuck with me Mando.” The blanket drops as you release it and you grab his bare hand with both of yours. “I’m not going to but. I just don’t want to go.” Speaking as you lock your eyes on his t-visor, a deep hum is heard from the hunter, but you remain firm.

“I am called Din. Please do so while it’s just the three of us.” His thumb ran across your palm and tickled your skin making you chuckle. “You will remain and hopefully I will hear more of your laugh.” Your smile only grows with his answer. “Please rest for now. Our journey isn’t over.”

Part Two

Space Buddies: @linzels-blog @maggiemayhemnj @angelofsmalldeath-codeine @missladym1981 @morallyinept @sherala007 @yorksgirl @daddy-dins-girl @magpiepills @megamindsecretlair @anoverwhelmingdin @theincredibleinkspitter @alltheglitterandtheroar @mrsmando @drawingdroid @harriedandharassed @i-own-loki @lady-bess @undercoverpena @pedroshotwifey

[yrrtyrrtwhenihrrthrrt]

Yanno something I don't think is explored nearly enough? Ambrosius's relationship with the Director, and I'm referring to both versions here because they're both interesting in both similar and different ways

For the movie version (I will talk about the comic version on this post too, don't you worry) first of all my pal @walrus150915 wrote an incredible fic exploring this for the NBB please go read it right fucking now, but moving on from that, Ambrosius arguably saw the Director as his mom, or at least a stand-in for his mom.

She was (or seemed to be) a nurturing but authoritative adult who guided him in the role he was supposed to fill. A lot of people like to write her as an overtly nasty bitch in pre-canon fics, and while I completely get that, let's not forget that Ballister, at the beginning of the movie, found it potentially believable that he was her favorite student. He was dumbfounded and devastated to see she had been the one to frame him, he couldn't believe it and never suspected her for a second. I'll talk more about Ballister's relationship with her in another post, but the point is this is an Oscar-winning actress, people!

Ambrosius had every reason to look up to her and believe she cared about him. And she went from (in his perspective) treating him with patience, kindness, sympathy and respect, to trying to MURDER HIM.

You don't just get over a parental figure doing something like that to you (then oh yeah, promptly fucking d y i n g). The pain, the loss of realizing someone you loved and trusted was never who you thought they were (after he'd been battling those same feelings about Ballister) and never really cared about you as a person, it would be devastatingly traumatic. Like poor guy what the fuck. He had to cope with that WHILST trying to repair his broken relationship Jesus Christ

And that's not even getting INTO the comic version, which I will be getting into now. There's a big difference between the two and I think that's in no small part due to the timeframe. C! Ambro has been under the Director's thumb a full 15 years longer than his counterpart. This gave her time to exert more control over him, and also gave him time to grow more aware of her behavior. M!Ambro and the Director have the relationship of a person and their (non-sexual) groomer, while C!Ambro's relationship with her is more overtly that of a person and their abuser.*

She's regularly seen threatening him, threatening to have his loved one (Ballister) killed if he doesn't obey her thereby forcing him to do things against his will (like murder a child), insulting him, and showing him absolutely zero sympathy or kindness, even when he's seriously harmed. I think Ambrosius would, by this point, know that the Director isn't a good person and that she doesn't love him, but she's had much more time to sink her claws into him.

He's not going to leave her. This life, being the Champion, working for her, it's all he knows, and it's all he has. Where is he going to go, back to Ballister? Ballister hates him (because the Director took measures to isolate Ambrosius from him) and he's worked for the Institution his whole life. He knows the Director is bad, but he still trusts her. This is the devil he knows, at least, so by the time the story takes place he at least feels confident that they have a mutual understanding.

I imagine it took time to get to this point. He saw her as a mentor and spent most of his life desperate for her approval. After the joust, I can only imagine this got worse. She was all he had, and he'd do anything to prove himself worthy of the championship title he knows deep down that he stole. He probably saw her as a real friend for a long time, no matter how obvious she made it that the feeling wasn't mutual, and that he'd have to try ever harder to earn her praise.

What I'm saying is this man spent fifteen years under the boot of his abuser, then after fifteen years of grooming and psychological abuse she threw him in the trash, stripped him of his title and everything he'd worked for, tried to have his lover executed, then fucking died. And NOBODY TALKS ABOUT IT??? HELLOO?????

*this is not to say that M! Ambro's relationship with the Director was not abusive, it was, or that C! Ambro wasn't groomed, he was. Simply that for him, the grooming had more time to develop into overt, recognizable abuse.

[princess-mach]

It's here: the epilogue of Secondhand Smoke!

Please enjoy this beautiful piece that I commissioned for it from @valrad back in July (which I'm still absolutely gushing about on the inside btw):

Isn't it gorgeous? Val has been colouring a lot of the manga pages in a similar style, so absolutely check them out for that as well.

I'm sad that it's coming to an end, but to be honest, I'm also a kind of happy to move on. I started this fic when I was in the trenches of the first hyperfixation I'd had in years. I wrote around 60k words from mid to late March, to the 26th of April when we started the proofing/second edit of the fic. That was… insane. I have no idea how I didn't fail my class. I've lost count of how many times I've read it, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's well above 20 times, and at least three of those are out loud. What I mean to say is, I put in a lot of work, and that's not a realistic expectation going forward. Don't worry if I go radio silent for a while; I have other projects that I'm working on, but I also have to recover and nurture my writing passion a little bit. That being said, maybe I'll just go crazy and write another 60k words. You never know. Massive thanks to everyone who's been reading, it means the world to me <3

[nalyra-dreaming]

@raven--stag replied to your post “Me: sees someone refer to how badly Lestat treated...”:

There are TRAIN SCHEDULES?? Can you elaborate please (if you have time and don't mind doing it ofc) because honestly, I've never considered the possibility that he wasn't the one who brought her back, it always just kind of made sense to me

​Alright. I first did the research for that for chapter 42 of "Laden as the sea", which of course dealt with that scene. (I'm adapting my explanations from there)

Now, in short:

Lestat cannot have brought Claudia back as told.

(which does not mean that a similar scene did not happen... just not as told.)

Because:

In-universe, these characters are rooted to it. As is what we're told, and what is used to set the scenes.

The train Claudia wanted to take was likely the Crescent, which ran daily from 1941 on. (This“one year discrepancy” in the tale is a constant thing btw here a post of the now deactivated a-savagegarden on this.) The Crescent leaves NOLA at 9am these days, BUT then…. It left at 11pm :)

(source)

Now…. Louis tells us of Lestat doing the “Birmingham, Alabama” spiel, and the train Claudia being on the “New York Limited”. The Crescent does NOT stop in Birmingham, however the “Piedmont Limited” does. 5,5h into the journey (if I read these correctly).

The cities quoted (Birmingham. Atlanta. Greensboro. Washington, D.C.) fit the timetable there, too. However… the Piedmont left at 5pm. And sunset was around 7:30pm.

Which is why I think Louis maybe thought Claudia was on the Limited, when in reality she had to go and take the Crescent simply for time-reasons. (And since he had no intention to go with her this detail was never important to him.)

Now. The radio broadcast we hear when Louis comes back was given September 3rd, 1939, after 5:30 am.

(A word to the next scene in the show here: I noticed that the radio broadcast Louis listens to… is the same as was on when he came back from “teasing the sun”, as mentioned above, after Claudia was brought back by Lestat, namely this part of it: “every word that comes through the air, every ship that sails the sea, every battle that is fought does affect the American future.” Given that this is clearly a different evening though - it’s another piece of the puzzle which does … not fit, but is likely a twisted memory, and another one of those “details” which actually are not really important… but still proof of this not being (able to be) the (whole) truth. (Another thing that indicates the discrepancy imho is the fact that there’s two radios in their parlor… one next to Louis, one next to Lestat.))

But back to that evening, and Louis' return.

Let’s make that 6am, since he said he cut it close.

IF Claudia actually told Louis afterwards that Lestat caught her and brought her back from Alabama, then on the Crescent it might have been Montgomery. Which the Crescent reached at 7:20am… after sunrise. So that makes that rather unlikely.

The Crescent leaving at 11pm and Louis coming home at 6am gives whatever happened in-between a 7h time frame. If the trains need 5,5h to Birmingham… not enough time.

Totally apart from the timetables though there is also logistics to consider.

When Louis comes home Claudia sits there, with her luggage (and her tuba). I know I wrote in the other fic that Lestat flew back with her, but I actually doubt it.

Claudia had had to go back from the park to get her luggage and bring it to the train (station). IF she actually made it onto the train with all of that and nobody noticing, then I think Lestat caught her while still at the station.

Because the return train schedule (of the Crescent and Express) is in the afternoon and the Piedmont Limited would have arrived at NOLA only after sunrise. (Of course there would be other trains they could take, but those would be even slower…?!)

So I think Claudia never left NOLA. Which does NOT mean that the train scene in and by itself did not happen, as said before (even the controller), but… I think Louis mixed what Claudia told him afterwards (or what she let him see in her mind, which might not have been all that was to it, given her later diary entries) with what he thought/feared had happened. With the trains he expected her to be on, and which went by certain cities. There is no diary to underline the scene, Louis tells Daniel of this event after it is noted in the show that the previous interview had stopped before this point, so Daniel has no reference anymore. It is Louis’ interpretation of what Claudia told/showed him, recounted for a certain... effect.

So I do think a scene similar to what we saw happened. But exactly like that? Not likely, imho, not the least because of the many, many parallels to events from Lestat’s past here (and which neither Claudia nor Louis would know at this point).

And of course Claudia would be plotting her own game by then, which, in later book canon at least, included manipulating Louis.

And, last but not least, supposedly Claudia knew Antoinette was there with Louis at the park when she left for the train, as is revealed in episode 7. I always find that hugely interesting in retrospect, considering her comment to him and the mentioned later book twist.

[cloudlessly-light]

Omg! I feel awful. I read pedophilia Hotchniss fic. I didn’t read the description just click it and I feel sooooo bad after that… what a sick person wrote it🤦‍♀���

Please I need your healing now. Can you write something with jealousy and all. Make it as sexy as you want✨ you’re the best 🫶

Title: Love like mine (10/12) Chapter title: I might break your heart but it’s a risk you should take up Summary: He wasn’t a cheater. Until her. Word count: 3,4k Rating: Explicit   Warnings (for this chapter): Smut, dirty talk, breath play/choking (kind of), jealousy, they’re both possessive as hell, feelings

To his surprise it’s not awkward when they see each other at work, like somehow they had found some sort of acceptance that whatever they were wasn’t something that was meant to last. No matter how much he might have wished it did. He watches her from his office window as she walks in, a turtleneck he knows she only wore to cover the mark from his teeth the previous night on her torso, looking collected, as she usually did.

He knows he shouldn’t watch her this way, but finds that it’s close to impossible not to. He didn’t know when he had fallen in love with her, only that it had happened slowly over the months spent together. It wasn’t what they had agreed on all those months ago but when he was with her he felt a sense of serenity he didn’t think he had ever known before.

Somewhere in the back of his mind he knows it’s not the end of them, but Emily wasn’t ready and he wasn’t going to push her. Even though it hurt, he was going to keep his word, last night was the last time because he didn’t want to wait for something that might not happen.

Except, maybe he would.

*

She missed him every day, she missed him in a way she shouldn’t. The night spent together wasn’t something she regretted, but as the days dragged on she found it harder to keep away from him. Then, it had been weeks since he had shown up outside her door, weeks of her missing him in a way she had never missed another person before. Every day she tells herself that this was what was best. Because she had been alone most of her adult life, she didn’t know how to be with someone in the way he needed, she knew she wasn’t good enough for him.

It's harder than she had imagined it to be. But she pretends that she doesn’t know that the feelings she has for him are deeper than anything she’d felt before. She didn’t do this, she didn’t fall in love. She didn’t let herself go there because she didn’t want to get hurt but as she spends her days alongside him, she finds that maybe it was already too late.

As the weeks goes by, it doesn’t get easier, but they seem to find some sort of middle ground. Some days are harder than others, but she stays away from him, wants to give them both as much space as possible.

And it works, for a little while.

Then they’re in a small police station in Missouri, and Emily finds herself seething. It’s been close to four days, four days of her having to watch one of the police officers bat her eyelashes and flirt with Aaron. It doesn’t help that he seems to be enjoying it, even goes as far as smiling when Derek teasingly brings it up.

“Hey you’re divorced now right, no harm in having a little fun.” He jokes as Aaron only shakes his head.

“I’m sure she’s just being friendly.” He knows all of them see right through his lie.

And Emily digs her blunt nails into the palm of her hands to keep from reacting. The jealousy is burning, her stomach feels heavy. She’s never felt this way before, had never been the jealous type. But now it’s all she feels. It’s a feeling she has no right to feel, she knows that. But being logical at a feeling that is anything but logical is hard and when she only a couple of hours later is forced to watch as the young officer brings him a cup of coffee with a smile and hidden note, she thinks the jealousy might burn her alive.

It also doesn’t help that the cop is cute, and kind of similar to herself, but a younger version. She didn’t want to see it that way, but as the woman who couldn’t be older than 25 walks past with wide eyes and a smile of adoration she thinks that maybe that’s why she is jealous. Because she knew he found the other woman attractive.

“She’s really taken with you.” JJ notes as he takes the piece of paper and as he puts it in the pocket of his suit his eyes meet Emily’s quickly and he immediately sees her unease.

“It’s nothing.” He tells the blonde. He had no intention of keeping the number scribbled on the piece of paper, had no interest in the woman. But he would be lying if he wasn’t flattered, would be lying if he didn’t feel some sort of satisfaction seeing that the jealousy Emily was clearly trying to hide.

He had noticed it almost immediately, how her nostrils flared and how her eyes seemed to burn with irritation any time the cop was near him. Which was pretty much the entirety of his time spent in the station. Now the case was done and they were finishing up the last of their paperwork, and the cop had given it her best shot.

“She gave you her number, maybe it’s a sign.” Dave chimes in, a gleam in his eye as he looks between Emily and Aaron for a quick second. “You should give her a call.” If looks could kill, he would have been six feet under when he meets Emily’s glare but it doesn’t deter him and he only winks back at her.

“If I call her, will you let this go?” He chuckles at the way the entire team nods, all of them except Emily who’s refusing to meet his eye.

He knows he shouldn’t enjoy her jealousy, but he does.

He doesn’t get a moment alone with her until they’re leaving the station, bags in hand as they get ready to head for the airport. But he didn’t want her to go home still upset, so when he finds her alone he drags her to the side easily, his hand wrapping around her upper arm, stopping her from joining the others who are already getting into their cars.

“Hey, are you alright?” He asks even as her dark eyes narrows at him.

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” She shakes her arm out of his hold and he arches an eyebrow at her tone.

“You’ve barely said two words in the last couple of days.”

“Oh I’m sorry, maybe catching a killer was on my mind?”

“Oh that’s it?” He knows he shouldn’t find her anger a turn on, knows that if anything he should reprimand her for her attitude towards him, but he finds that he can’t.

“That’s it. What else would there be?” She turns and walks out of the station without giving him a chance to reply.

She’s still upset, hours later as she paces her apartment. The glass of wine she had poured herself was left forgotten on the counter. Her mind is racing, she hates feeling this way. She tries to calm herself, tries to remember that she was the one who decided to end them, she didn’t have any claim on him. He wasn’t hers.

Except, she wanted him to be.

It’s not logical, it’s anything but logical when she grabs her car keys and leaves her apartment. She doesn’t let herself think too much about her actions, all she can think about is her need for him, her need to claim him. It’s not fair, she realizes, it’s not fair to him to knock on his door, but that doesn’t stop her.

When he opens the door it’s like he had expected it, a small, knowing smile on his face. But he’s nice enough to play along as he leans against the doorframe, arms crossed wearing only a pair of pajama bottoms.

“It’s late.” When she doesn’t respond he sighs. “What are you doing here Emily?”

“Are you going to call her?” The words tumble out of her mouth and if she hadn’t been so caught up in her own feelings she would have been embarrassed at the way she barges into his apartment.

“I don’t know how that’s any of your business.” He says, the door closing softly behind him before he meets her eye again.

“I-” She starts but she doesn’t know how to finish the sentence, already feeling foolish at the way she can’t seem to get it together. “It’s not.” She says and he huffs causing her eyebrows to knit together.

He takes a second to look at her, wonders if he should voice what he’s thinking, what he’s been thinking for most of the week as he watched Emily struggle with her emotions. Finally, he realizes that he doesn’t really have anything to lose anymore.

“So you don’t want to be with me but you don’t want anybody else to have me?”

The anger is instant, just as irrational as the jealousy. He’s right, and that didn’t sit right with her. It’s unfair of her, again, but right then she didn’t want to see it that way.

“You know that isn’t the case, I never said I didn’t want you.”

“Didn’t you?” He takes a step towards her and she stands firm, her hands fisting quickly at her sides before relaxing and drawing a shaky breath.

“Wanting you was never the problem. Never.” She watches as his face softens just a little.

“You’re scared.” He tells her and it’s the first time either of them has said the words out loud. “You’re scared and you expect me to be there for you when you need me, but that’s not how this works.” When she sucks in a sharp breath he knows he’s hit a nerve.

For a few seconds things are silent between them, both of them simply looking at each other. The only sound in his apartment is their breathing, slightly labored.

“I never thought we’d get here.” Her voice comes out low, almost defeated, like all the fight had suddenly drained from her body. Actually, it had. She was tired of fighting, of pretending.

“Me neither.” He tells her softly, his touch gentle as he angles her face up to look at him. “But I’m not doing this anymore, if you want me then tell me. Don’t come here in the middle of the night to start a fight instead of telling me what you really feel.”

Her first instinct is to run away, to protect herself from the love she’s pretty sure would consume her if she’d let it. But she can’t move, something grounding her and she finds that as she looks into the dark of his eyes she relaxes.

“I want you.” The words are barely a whisper, shaky and careful and he almost doesn’t hear her. But then her face hardens slightly, like determination takes over and her hand moves to the back of his neck to grab his short hair. “You’re mine.”

He doesn’t get the time to respond, her lips claiming his as she all but lunges herself at him. He responds just as eagerly, hands tugging on her clothes and a low groan rumbling from his throat as her tongue pries his lips apart.

She knows her nails are leaving red lines on his body as she scratches them down his chest, knows that he’ll wear a purple hickey that’s barely going to be hidden under the collar of his suit, she knows that she does it all because she wants to mark him. Mark him as hers.

And he lets her.

For now she didn’t want to think about her fears, she knows that it’s a discussion that they still needed to have, but for now knowing that he was hers was enough. She gasps against his lips as his hand moves under her shirt, his skin hot against hers.

She only tears her lips away from his when he tugs her shirt over her head, kisses him again the moment it’s on the floor. He tastes like he always did, and a hint of the spearmint toothpaste he uses, and she can’t get enough.

He unhooks her bra easily before moving to her pants, which are pushed from her hips as they stumble towards the bedroom. Her nails sting as she grabs at him, her touch close to desperate as she tries to get more of him. He lest her, for now, because he knows she needs this, needs him. That thought is as exciting as it is scary, because finally she had admitted to this being something more. But he wasn’t dumb, he knew she still needed time, that tonight was just the beginning. The beginning of something new.

By the time she pushes him back on the bed they’re both naked and she wastes no time straddling his lap. She’s wet against him, her slick coating his shaft as she grinds against it and his hand find their way to her hips, as his head falls back against the pillow with a groan.

“Tell me.” She pants, dark eyes boring into his as she aligns him with her, but doesn’t sink down on him as he expects. It takes him a moment to understand what she means and her voice drops lower as she speaks again. “Tell me, Aaron.”

“I’m yours.” He breathes and she lowers her body in return, her tight walls making him hiss as she takes all of him. “Fuck Em, I’m yours.” His eyes shut tightly at the pleasure she’s creating as her hips roll and grind on top of him and through the sound of his heartbeat in his ears he hears her satisfied hum, the sound low and breathy.

“Mine.” She plants her hands on his chest as she fucks him hard and fast, barely even aware that her nails are digging into his flesh again. All she can think about is him, how he feels, how much she wants him. A small part of her thinks she wants him forever, but she wouldn’t tell him that. Not yet.

He gives her a few moments to enjoy the power but as he watches her the urge to claim her right back sneaks up on him. Her eyes are closed, mouth open as she moans and whimpers above him, almost oblivious to the way he’s looking up at her. Suddenly his grip on her tightens and he turns them around, a smug grin on his face at her look of surprise.

“Can’t let you have all the fun now can I?” He mumbles against her ear before licking down her neck. His thrusts are heavy as he kisses down to her chest, with a growl he licks over one nipple, his teeth tugging on the piercing for a moment, just enough for her to arch into it.

“Harder, fuck me harder.” Her legs wrap around him as she pulls him against her, the sounds of their bodies close to obscene as he does what she asks. She knows she’ll be sore in the morning, but she doesn’t care, she loves it. Then one of his hands finds its way to her throat, his large palm scolding against her skin, but he doesn’t squeeze, not until her eyelids flutter open to meet his dark stare.

“Are you mine?” He asks and she nods breathlessly.

“Yours. I’m yours.” Her reward is his hand tightening along with a satisfied grin, something dark and feral coming over him.

“That’s my good girl.” He lets go of her neck only a few seconds later to claim her lips in a kiss. When they break apart it’s because she’s moaning and gasping for air, her body tensing more under his from each thrust of his hips. He lets his forehead rest on her shoulder as he focuses on fucking into her the way he knows she loves and when her back arches and her hands twists the sheets he knows she’s close.

“You get so tight when you come,” He groans against her ear and she cries out. “so pretty when you let go for me, fuck I can feel it, how close you are. Come for me sweetheart, let me hear it.” His teeth dig into her neck for a moment, leaving his own mark on her. “Scream my fucking name.”

“Aaron!” It’s the only word she gets out, the sound of his name loud and high pitched before she groans through her release. She feels like she’s floating as he keeps going, only stopping to quickly turn her around so she’s on her hands and knees.

“You can be louder than that.” He rasps against the back of her ear, one hand sneaking around her body to pull her flush against his chest, his hand gently grabbing her neck while the other finds her clit. When she jerks at the stimulation his hand tightens around her neck. “Be good for me.”

“Fuck, please-” She doesn’t really know what she’s asking for, he’s turned the tables on her so quickly her mind reels, but in the best way. His heavy breaths are damp against the back of her neck, his hand around her neck firm but never restricting and when her hips buckle into his hand she can hear his snicker. “Don’t stop, right there, keep going.” She pleads, her voice sounding foreign to her own ears.

Her head falls back against his shoulder, her arms grabbing the headboard in a death grip as she cries out loudly as he gets her to the edge once again.

“That’s right, fucking scream for me sweetheart.” His fingers move faster against her clit, his hips drag with long and deep thrusts inside of her and when she starts to tighten again he growls against her ear.

When she comes only a few minutes later it’s with a sound that she knows the neighbors can hear through the wall as her body writhes in his hold. He fucks her through it, low murmurs and secure touches bringing her back down before she falls forward. He follows her down, and she rolls onto her back again, a lazy smile on her face.

“Come here.” She beckons him, her fingers gripping his hair again to pull him down into a kiss, this one softer as he pushes back inside of her. “You feel so good.” She tells him as her hand moves from his neck to his stubbled cheek to keep his eyes on hers.

“You do too.” He promises. His own pleasure is building quickly, each thrust getting him closer. “You feel so fucking good around my cock.”

“Tell me again.” She pleads and he grunts at the sound of her voice.

“I’m yours.” He says, repeating the words over and over until his hips are jerking and muscles tense.

“Mine, you’re mine Aaron.” She watches through hooded eyes as pleasure takes him over, and when he lets out a sound that’s raspy and desperate she knows he’s close. “And I’m yours.”

“Mine, fucking mine.” He comes snarling the words in her face, something about her admitting it sending him over the edge. His hips press flush against hers, his lips finding hers through cloudy pleasure and he doesn’t stop kissing her until his body has calmed and her touch has turns soft and gentle against him.

His body is littered with scratches and marks from her mouth and normally she would be embarrassed by her lack of control, but right now she loved it. Tomorrow she would kiss each mark she had left, knew that he’d probably tease her about them and yet she didn’t care.

“So all we needed was another woman to flirt with me huh?” He mumbles later as he spoons her against his, his lips a smile against her neck.

“I’m burning that fucking note, just so you know.” When he laughs she can’t help but to smile at the sound.

“Don’t worry, I threw it out before even getting on the plane. I never wanted it.” He props his head up on his hand as she turns fully into him on the bed.

“Really?” She hates how her cheeks heat up at the admission.

“Really.” He promises with a kiss, a soft stamp of his lips against hers. When he looks back down at her his face falls for a moment and she readies herself for whatever he is going to say next. “Should I expect to wake up to an empty bed tomorrow?”

“No.” Her hand comes to rest on his cheek and she smiles. “I’m staying.”

[cuubism]

I don’t even know if you accept writing prompts, but just *Imagine* this

Dream, has no fuckin idea how Hobs immortality works

His sister just said “you could find out” and gave no other word other than the IMPLICATION that hob is immortal, so aside from knowledge that hob has been withheld from her gift, dream doesn’t know how the whole immortality thing works for hob

Meaning the first time Dream sees Hob DIE

I feel like he’s in for a ride

I always pictured Hobs immortality as a Deadpool kinda thing. He does TECHNICALLY die from whatever killed him, but he pops back as soon as his body heals. Not a fun experience, definitely some trauma involved (being drowned as a being that doesn’t die permanently seems ROUGH) but all in all Hob can walk away from everything pretty alright.

Now if Dream DOESN’T KNOW THAT. If he thinks hob is simply un killable, that could lead to a WORLD of delicious Temporary or Presumed death angst.

*looks at the ancient unfilled prompts lingering in my inbox from years ago* of course i take prompts what do you take me for! :D 😂 i love them, i don't always manage to write them

in retrospect 'you could find out' is QUITE mysterious and ominous, thanks Death.

yeah i usually imagine Hob's immortality working like it does in The Old Guard, where he basically does die but he comes back after a few minutes. i'm still undecided on whether he heals faster than normal, like, for plot purposes it's easier if he does, but there's something compelling also in the idea of hob having to struggle through the same long healing process as other people, just with the certainty that he will heal. i also always ask myself, can hob be permanently injured? like, if he lost an arm, would it... grow back? i don't know the answer to that. i like the idea of him being able to have scars for Symbolism, but him not having scars is also compelling, like, having no real record of anything that's happened.

drowning would... suck, especially as it probably took him ages to break free of his restraints so he probably drowned over and over and over...

dream seems to get in the 1789 scene that hob couldn't be killed by being attacked. but i feel like... like Death is not the only powerful force in the universe and she isn't all powerful. i could see dream being worried about hob being like, destroyed in some other way? like his... Being being destroyed? i don't think there's any being or creature in the story's universe that can't be killed in some way, even Dream can be killed - or, I guess, Morpheus can, is more accurate. so the fear could still be there. either way, seeing hob die would still be a hell of a shock, even knowing it's temporary.

i actually wrote something really similar to this in an as-yet-unfinished fic so i think instead of starting another wip (i have soo many ack) i will just share that scene

[ preface - there was a whole Fight and the Corinthian cut Hob across the throat (rip) and then Bounced because Dream was kind of, well, distracted ]

--

When Hob woke, Dream’s hands were around his throat.

Pressing, holding. Trying to keep him together.

And he was… just absolutely drenched in blood. It lay slick on his hands, smeared up his wrists, soaked in blacker patches on his black shirt and coat, he’d even managed to get a few droplets on his face. Dear God. Hob had almost forgotten how much blood could come out of a human body. It had, fortunately, been quite a while since he’d had to watch somebody exsanguinate.

Their gazes met. Hob’s bleary, Dream’s swirling with colliding galaxies.

“See?” said a voice out of Hob’s eyeline. “I told you he’d come back.”

Hob craned his neck carefully to see. A woman was sitting on the couch, arms crossed, apparently unconcerned by the scene of theatrical death and carnage playing out before her.

“Dream,” she repeated, when Dream didn’t move. “I told you. Let the man breathe.”

For all that her words were spoken lightly, there was a note of concern underneath them. Hob didn’t think it was directed at him, though, even if he had been to one to get his artery sliced open. The woman’s gaze kept flickering over to Dream.

“I had to be certain,” Dream ground out. His voice rumbled against Hob’s ruined throat.

“You don’t trust my word?”

“I had to be certain,” he repeated.

Hob wrapped a careful hand around his blood-soaked wrist, squeezing until Dream looked at him again, and rasped, “Hey. Can’t die, remember?”

Then his chest spasmed and he coughed up a truly horrific amount of blood. Dream released him, with some reluctance, allowing him to turn on his side, and Hob coughed until his throat was clear.

“Fuck,” he gasped, and spat one last clot of blood onto the absolutely destroyed living room rug. “Goddamn. That was a new one.”

“See?” said the woman, gesturing at Hob. “He even has a good attitude about it!”

Dream did not seem comforted by this. His hand fell to rest on Hob’s shoulder and gripped tight.

“Oh, I’m Death, by the way,” said the woman, catching Hob staring at her and waving at him. “Hey.”

“Um,” said Hob.

“Oh, don’t worry,” Death hastened to reassure him. “I’m not here for you. Or, I mean, I kind of am, but not to collect your soul, just because my brother here is a worry wart.”

Hob looked back and forth between them. “You… were worried Death would take me… so you… called her here?” he asked Dream incredulously.

Death sighed. “Not always the brightest bulb.”

Dream watched him intensely. “I needed to be sure she would not.”

“Dream, I told you—”

“I had never… seen you die before.” He held Hob’s gaze, but his expression wobbled into something close to fear. “It was… challenging.”

Hob supposed that knowing, abstractly, that your friend couldn’t die didn’t hold much water when seeing your friend die.

“Oh, Dream,” he murmured. Dream only looked more pained when Hob said his name. Hob found his wrist again and squeezed it. “Hey, it’s alright, yeah?”

Dream swallowed, a very human, nervous thing. “Evidently.”

“Come on, let him up,” said Death, and helped Dream haul Hob up to his feet. They dragged him over to the couch, where Hob sat, hand pressed to his still-aching neck. What a strange moment this made, he reflected. Two Endless, one covered in blood, dragging a half-dead human across the living room. Hob was going to have to give up on his life making a lick of sense anymore.

Dream’s fingers flexed, still slick with Hob’s blood. He wavered on his feet, then said, “I should— the blood,” and disappeared in the direction of the washroom at a rapid pace.

“Can’t he just—” Hob waved his hands in a gesture he hoped conveyed change his clothes magically.

“Could,” Death agreed, perching on the arm of the couch. “But he’s feeling an emotion so I think he needs a minute.”

“Ah.” Dream’s stricken expression hovered in Hob’s mind. He didn’t like it. He didn’t like seeing that forced split in his friend’s composure at all.

“You’re good for him, Hob,” continued Death.

“Because… I got my throat cut and kind of almost died and upset him?” Hob said, expecting her to correct him.

“Yup!” Death agreed cheerily. Her eyes lingered on the hallway that led to the washroom. “Among other things.”

As if any of that was reasonable. Hob leaned against the back of the couch, rubbing his eyes. “You all are so cryptic.”

Death laughed, but didn’t elaborate on what she’d said any further.

Hob lingered on it, though. You made him upset. Hob hadn’t seen Dream upset before, not like that.

Did he ever get upset like that? Or, rather, did he let himself?

Hob quickly found himself also watching the hallway for Dream’s return. He half-wondered if he’d just bolted back to the Dreaming, or maybe gone after the Corinthian, if he’d escaped after Hob had… died.

When he didn’t return for several minutes, Death let out a long breath and got up to go after him.

Now alone on the couch, Hob clenched his fingers in the fabric of his pants, gritting his teeth as a shiver of shock ran through him. Sort-of-dying sucked, but often, Hob had found that the aftermath was worse – human bodies were meant to either die or live, not land somewhere in between, and each time he’d recovered from situations he should have died in, he’d faced a sort of belated panic response, fight-or-flight kicking in with no danger present.

He stood jerkily, stumbling to his bedroom, where he stripped off his absolutely ruined shirt – he was going to have to burn that, he’d look like a serial killer throwing it away – and jeans, and scrubbed off the blood as best he could with a spare towel considering Dream was still hogging the washroom.

He’d just gotten on a clean pair of jeans and was reaching for a shirt when the door clicked open. Dream stepped in, so quiet he was less person and more shadow. Gone were his long coat, and his boots. His black skinny jeans and long sleeve shirt were functionally identical to what he’d been wearing before, but Hob had a feeling the actual blood-soaked ones from before had been destroyed – if they’d ever existed outside of dreams in the first place.

He stepped quietly, barefoot, over to Hob, and Hob looked up and down at this change in attire. “Planning to stay awhile, love?” he asked, a weak attempt at levity.

Dream stopped before him. His eyes were deep and very dark. “You are shaking.”

Hob chuckled self-consciously, rubbing at the back of his neck. “Yeah, turns out that sort-of-almost-dying is a bit of a shock to the system. It’ll pass, though.”

“It will pass,” Dream echoed, expression unreadable.

“Has before,” Hob said, tension prickling up his spine at the utter stillness of him now. And not the relaxed stillness that Hob had become accustomed to when they sat and drank together at the inn. No, this was the stillness of water about to overflow. Surface tension.

“Before,” Dream repeated, again.

Hob smiled weakly at him. “Promise.”

Dream’s night sky gaze flicked over his face. His shoulders were even narrower without his coat, and the lack of structured fabric made him look softer, human, normal.

But Hob’s friend, his love, his stranger had never felt less normal. He moved in like the approach of nighttime, hovering clouds and darkness and rain, a blanket pulled over one’s head that might cocoon or suffocate.

Hob would have accepted either.

Dream caught him by the jaw with fingers soft as lamplight, murmured, “Promise,” and kissed him.

[swifty-fox]

hi, sorry to pop in like this. i've followed you for a while and i was intrigued by your mota posting, so when i was on an airplane recently i watched the first three episodes on the free in-flight service, and... first off THANK YOU for that. i have now finished the whole series and fucking loved it??

anyway, second off--i hope this isn't too awkward but i was hoping i could ask a million questions about like...... what your experience is writing fic and how you tag things and approach the historical aspects etc? i've just started poking around at the ao3 tag but i'm getting fic ideas and i'm not sure how to go about the tagging/writing/etc

(either way, i'm excited to dive into your fics because some of these are 👀👀👀)

HELLO I LOE YOU WELCOME TO DEAD GAY PILOTS!!!!!!!

First and foremost, I would recommend following @hogans-heroes who knows all things plane and has written up some good info on how they work. And also pilots in general

@thatsrightice has a TON of good research done about the irl boys as well

And in general check out the tag for all our lovely lovely writes there's so many to name.

For meeee i think the HboWar fandom understands the separation from the real guys and the fictionalized versions we play dolls with. Some people will put disclaimers but not all. Generally you're not going to piss anyone off by exploring them through a queer lense so long as nobody's harassing the real family members (really only find them in the FB groups. @bcolfanfic has had some sweet exchanges with the Egan and Crosby family)

In terms of researching, my kind of separation from the real people is that I only take show canon as fact. Anything not included in the show about the real guys I don't follow. That's what feels respectful of me! But there's so many lovely writers out there who do follow the events of their real lives and such good content for 'canon' fic.

In terms of researching Google is my best friend as well as the historians we have in the fandom. (Hogans-Heroes again is a gem. @reallylilyreally has a great attention to detail and we also have a few current/former service members who family of service members who are good points of reference!)

In terms of other research. the Masters of the Air book is a great go to

Cros actually wrote a book called A Wing and a Prayer which is a great resource and also pretty heartbreaking!

I personally referenced The Evening Crowd at Kirmsers by Ricardo Brown for queer underground culture in the 40's

Coming Out Under Fire is a fucking devastating but really helpful book about gay service members in the 40's and kind of the danger they were in. @bcolfanfic also has some excerpts from that she posted a while back if you don't mind digging.

I've also used ancestry.com to research the guys as well as these websites contains the personnel and mission files as well as photos of the guys!

https://100thbg.com/ you can search both the guys AND the planes!

another great website with a similar search function but they have a few diff documents.

For tagging the main tags are: Mota, Clegan and Hbowar (this one will include the other shows like Band of Brothers, The Pacific, and Generation Kill)

Really it's treated like any other fandom. Everyone understands that we're playing with dolls, not real people. But also RPF is fine kill the cop in your head and join the hockey rpf fandom next >:)

[burins]

Hi! I need the director's cut for "get out before the drop" please!

oh MAN. thank you for asking about get out before the drop! the jaydick topdrop fic is one of my favorite things I've written. i've been a little reluctant to talk about my jaydick fics because part of me was worried i was going to get death threats in my inbox and i got enough of that at work. but fuck it! i'm very proud of those fics- I think they're some of my best characterization work.

i wrote the bulk of get out before the drop on my phone at 2 AM after waking up in the middle of the night (like all the best fics: while slightly possessed.) like everything i write it's about bodies, but it's also about identity and boundaries and how your own understanding of those can smash up against someone else's. i say that not because i generally set out to write fics that are capital A About Things, this isn't an episode of degrassi, but it's kind of obvious what themes I had rattling around in the trunk.

continuing the rest of this below the cut (including discussion of consent and sexual assault)

obviously it's also a fic about consent. I said this in a few comments but I think fandom often sticks to one kind of story about consent-- which i absolutely understand. your standard rape recovery fic is a very cathartic story for many, many people! but in real life your partner is not a perfect fuck machine who dispenses sex in exactly the way you want it, in part because they are a human being and not a mind-reader. but also in part because for anyone, but particularly for survivors, it is often difficult to tell the difference between "this is uncomfortable but in a good and healing way" and "oh god i gotta eject." and that's no one's fault! learning to listen to your body again after ignoring its signals for a long time is hard, and it sucks, and sometimes you learn where your boundaries are by whacking right up against them.

that's all general; in particular i wanted to write that kind of story for dick and jason, who are two people who have lost control of their bodies innumerable times and in incredibly dramatic ways. i think that has got to fuck with your head unbelievably! i think dick in particular is extremely used to pushing through physical discomfort to get what he wants to achieve, whether that's a mission objective or a training goal or emotional closeness. he's been doing it since he was a kid on the aerial bars! he started out ignoring his body way before the multiple on-page sexual assaults that DC doesn't want to acknowledge as sexual assaults. and also all of the mind control, of which there is so much that i wrote a whole other fic about it.

jason, on the other hand, I think is someone who tells himself one story: he has very carefully forged his body into exactly what he wants it to be, which is a weapon. and he is determinedly not thinking about the ways in which he has had absolutely no control over his body (his death, his resurrection, the pit-related changes.) the story Jason tells himself is actually quite similar to the one Dick is clinging to, which is another reason I love to write about them.

a side note: I'm of the school that doesn't ascribe to long term pit madness. I think Jason comes out of the pit a little crazy in ways that have everything to do with profound trauma and very little to do with supernatural whammies. he makes his own choices immediately after coming back and they are bad ones. I think taking that agency from him makes the story much less satisfying and much less tragic. and there's plenty of other ways he loses agency! he died!

all of this was rattling around my head while I was writing. but then I had to actually end the fic. which I struggled with! I was worried the ending - where Dick says alright, let's go again, redo - would come off too pat. but I also didn't want to fall into the trap of making dick a weeping damsel. (fandom's general desire to make dick grayson experience misogyny could be an essay in its own right.) and ultimately I'm happy with where I ended it! it is almost certainly a bad idea for them to jump right back into sex after both of them had panic attacks. and what is jaydick but not a bunch of bad ideas that somehow end up working out.

this post is so long. I didn't even get into the identity stuff, but I feel like that is much more on the surface of the fic and I kind of said what I wanted to say in the fic itself. thank you for asking!

director's commentary meme!

[lostdrarryfics]

lostdrarryfics monthly roundup Aug + Sept: Part 1

Oops! We got busy and never posted the monthly roundup, so we're splitting it into two parts. Here's Part 1! Please let us know if you recognize any fics!

You can also browse our lengthy lost fic masterlist, where we have compiled every request we have been unable to find over the past few years. We're always hoping someone will recognize a fic so we can let the asker know what it was!

1. i found the fic on pinterest and im pretty sure the person whos pinterest i found it on wrote it but i did read it on ao3. it was an 8th year darry post war hogwarts. there was ptsd in the tags. there were 13 chapters but the last one (13) was an explanation of why it was on hiatus, it could have changed by now idk, the main plot was that draco was cutting himself but specifically to try get rid of his dark mark (or just sh i cant remember) and harry discovered this and wanted to help. he went to this meeting that the students ran and got tips on how to help. was told that for a couple of people painting their arms helped them and one lended their paint to harry. so harry and draco kept meeting up and harry would do these amazing art paintings on his arm(to cover the dark mark specifically i think) and draco was so relaxed. i think they got into a fight and draco relapsed and then harry discovered this in the basement of hunydukes(?). and afterwards draco talks with pansy and blaise and realises that he likes harry (again i could be mixing up with a different fic but im pretty sure it was this one)

2. postwar drarry fic where draco was previously dating another man before his current relationship with Harry and kind of embraces that memory..? I think he was telling Harry about this other man and I think there was this specific line about how draco and the previous man had similar cracks and were similarly broken so they thought their cracks fit tgt and thought it was love but it rly wasn't..???

3. been looking for this fic for a while, so I guess it was posted 5+ years ago. Probably on AO3, but I’m not sure. It’s AU, Harry is poor and decides to sell his virginity at Sirius’ brothel. Draco, also a virgin, buys it. Here it is what I remember: Both Harry and Draco are virgins. Harry needs money (to go to college? university?) and decides to sell his virginity. Sirius is a sex worker/has a brothel and tries to dissuade Harry, but can't. Draco is about to get married (a marrige Lucius arranged for him). Lucius takes Draco to Sirius' brothel. Draco insists in a inexperienced hooker. Draco and Harry hook up and obviously fall in love. Draco pays for Harry exclusivity. All of above are what I'm sure about (or as sure I can be). However, there are other informations that I think were important in this fic: When Harry talks to Sirius, Sirius thinks in selling his wand because it's something rare (like, only tradicional pure-blood have one). There is something about lycantrophy, Remus takes care of other werewolves and he needs Sirius' wand to make wolfsbane.

4. draco and harry are already in a relationship but draco is so self hatred and he believes he don't deserve harry. Im not sure if he already tried breakup with harry but harry is so in love with draco that he don't accept de breakup so draco to finally leave harry líes to him tellin him that he don't want to be tied in a relationship and he wanna explore being with other people and be more sexually adventorous or something in that context. These are the  scenes that i remember: Draco talking with ginny because he knows she still in love with harry and would have him back no matter how and that this is a chance draco is giving her. After the breakup harry find draco and tell him that they dont have to be boyfriends but that at least draco  let harry be one of the persons that draco have fun with because at least that way he still in draco's life. In the end ginny based on harry's heartbreak make harry come back togheter with her and draco see them in a restaurant and believes he make the righ choice.

5. I'm very positive this story is in ao3. I don't remember much but the story is set after the war where Draco discovers the hidden secrets of his ancestor Malfoy, I remember it has something to do with dragons and daggers or something. Then Harry and Draco went together to uncover the mystery. I remember they went to some kind of desert place? Then a cave where there were a lot of paintings or stuff from Malfoy's ancestors. Then I remember Draco and Harry sort of doing a sex ritual on a stone table I think. Then Draco got pregnant. In the end I remember Scorpius and Harry living in that cave if I'm not mistaken.

6. I think it’s set during eight year, I remember no one wanting to pair up with Draco, and I think it must’ve been in Potions. Harry must’ve volunteered to pair up with him. I remember it being in Draco’s POV, and that he described Harry as looking sleepy between Ron and Hermione. And then somehow, they get transported to like the countryside or the highlands where they have to operate a muggle car to get back to Hogwarts. It’s like an adventure of sorts. I’m sorry it’s vague but it’s what I remember. There’s no fake relationships trope or anything like that. I think it might’ve been before the war or maybe an au? But it’s defo like an adventure fic with them trying to operate a muggle car. Fic is not Right Hand Red by lqtraintracks

7. I read it about 8 years ago and I think it was on a drarryforum.com/forumdrarry.com. Okay, so it's after the war - they're all adults living their lives. Draco is working in a bar/restaurant/bistro/sth like that for a man that he is indebted to. I think he works as a waiter too, but he definitely is available to "rent". He's forced to work as a sex worker for the food place owner till he pays off his debt. I think the owner used/is using him as well. One day Potter comes to the place, the owner is happy and they chat (idk if they know each other, but maybe) and Harry sees Draco (maybe he's waitering for him?). Harry is delighted in Draco feeling humiliated, and somehow the owner tells Harry about their arrangement, offers Draco to him (maybe even for free cause of admiration for Potte) and Harry ends up renting Draco for some time. Harry is very dark, possibly with PTSD, definitely taking pleasure in hurting Draco and degrading him. The first time they are in bed together he humiliates him verbally, I think by making Draco admit to enjoying what Harry's doing to him, and forcing Draco to ask Harry to continue/let him come (something like that). It's non-con (duh lol), very dark and there's a lot of angst. I think they develop some feelings for each other maybe, but doubt it has a happy ending - certainly not fluff. It has several chapters, is in English (I read a Polish translation I think?) and is sexually explicit. It's possible Harry is violent towards Draco overall, but I might have confused it with another fic I'm looking for. Maybe there are some other characters in the background, but mainly It's Draco and Harry. Lucius might be dead and Narcissa is either dead as well or very sick and/or poor and Draco has no one. Harry has some power position probably,  Aurors with Ron, prime minister or something like that, and Draco is bottom and submissive, but that might just be cause Potter has all control. And it's 100% not the fic in which Draco has some sort of debt and is using some potion to not look like himself. And Harry is really cold and damaged. Might be vengeful towards Malfoy, either for the school years, or him being a Death Eater or both.

8. Looking for an ao3 fic. In this one Draco has a really special bond with his wand, and I only remember this scene where he is at the quidditch stand with the professors and he is practicing magic in there, but I don't know what. Also the wand is a lot of the plot, maybe it's bc he can't do magic with another wand and maybe he was a Ravenclaw but I'm not sure either:( but I think he was happy and wasn't bad like the canon. I remember one more thing I think, Draco was with McGonagall on a scene looking at a quidditch game, he was really happy with her and McGonagall likes him as well, I think he had a special bond with the professors bc Lucius and Narcissa was bad parent, maybe even wasn't with him anymore, also he was a ray of sunshine! He was really cute/adorable Fic is not The Mirror of Ecidyrue series by starbrigid

9. I think the title included the word "tomb". Anyway Draco and Harry were in some desert and they were traveling with other authority figures (I think Aurors and Harry was head Auror). For some reason they were looking for something and they found an entity which killed two people traveling with them or badly injured them. The entity targeted them because it thought Draco was it's long lost lover. I also remember a scene where Draco didn't want to get on a camel because it was uncouth or something.

[blorb-el]

What is :dhosurro? I saw it in a fic and your post was the only thing that came up with a Google search lol. Also, I'm trying to get into Superman, so do you have any good starting places, or is it better to just bounce around? Anyways, I think you're really cool, and I love your blog. have a splendid day!!!

Anonymous asked: my bad that was YOUR fic please ignore me while I die of shame

OH NO DON'T DIE OF SHAME! it is indeed a word I made up, but the plant itself is canonical - you can read the story in the second story in Superman 236. I suppose I could have just called the flowers surrus, but I liked the idea of there being different species of this flower and this being the most aesthetically pleasing, so I appended the prefix for beautiful, which is :dhoia, to create :dhosurro (pronounced n-doh-surr-oh).

(^ that lady's jumpsuit is sick as hell. Also when I came across this story I immediately went, oh, opioids metaphor. Then like a year later I was like.... weed metaphor??? And then now I'm back to thinking it's an opioid/general addiction metaphor considering denny o'neil (who wrote the story) was pro legalization of weed but apparently struggled with alcohol addiction. Art by Dick Giordano.)

As for starting places! It really depends on how you like to read comics, if you want proper story arcs and context to things or if you're okay with a random dude showing up on the page for whom you have like 6 words of context in an editor's box. I distinctly remember the first four Superman comics I read in high school, on the advice of Some Random List Online: Birthright, All-Star, Superman For All Seasons, and Matt Wagner's Trinity oneshot. When I started getting back into Superman, I initially started with jumping around, and then pretty quickly found out that I loved the older precrisis interpretation of the character the most.

Birthright is top goddamn tier. Best origin story in my opinion. There's a moment about halfway through with a gun that made me understand not just Superman but, like, all superheroes. Mark Waid gets Superman in a way that very few writers do. I liked the art, but it isn't for everyone. If you liked Birthright, I highly recommend the current World's Finest 2022 run, with Mark Waid and Dan Mora. If you thought it was a little out there, the most 'standard' origin story is Geoff John's/Gary Frank's Superman: Secret Origins, and while I personally am a Huge Hater of John Byrne's Man of Steel it was the canonical origin story for a huge chunk of time that many comic fans love (post-Crisis, pre-Flashpoint), has admittedly good art, and is probably worth reading just for the context it gives to the era.

On a similar 'origin story' note I think that all Superman fans should read the first few issues of Action Comics, 1-10 or so. They're amazingly snappy - you can tell Siegel and Schuster assembled the story of Action 1 out of proposed newspaper strips, with the result that said action comes fast and furious. I also adore Action 12, wonderful wish fulfillment where Superman goes after irresponsible driving.

Superman: For All Seasons is a good story, I'm just not a huge Tim Sale fan. If you liked it, especially the art, Superman: Kryptonite is also a great story if kind of tricky to track down. It's in Superman: Confidential.

All Star Superman is a fantastic story and I don't regret reading it as one of my first four comics at all, but I think it works better the more you love Superman - every time I come back to it I get more out of it, and it's out of continuity so you can fit it in whenever. Morrison's stated goal was to write the version of Superman you see on a cereal box, and they get to break down the psychology behind the icon. It's a great book to show you the flawed, fascinating 'man' behind the super. If you liked ASS' (lol) general 'anything can happen' vibe, check out Morrison's N52 Action Comics run for another take on an origin story told out of linear time that has a lower powered, T-shirt clad Superman start with facing down corrupt bankers and end by facing down a cosmic bully. If you were eh on the writing style but liked the examination of how Clark balances being Superman and Clark Kent, the storyline 'Who Took the Super Out of Superman?' is an interesting Bronze Age look at the balance.

The Matt Wagner Trinity is just a really good look at the Trinity and a fun three-issue short story, Superman in particular comes across as really great in it. If you like the idea of short, character driven, self-contained stories, Superman has some excellent Elseworlds/one shot stories. Some of my favorites are Superman: Speeding Bullets (what if Thomas and Martha Wayne had no biological children but baby Kal-El fell in their backyard?), Up In the Sky by Tom King (6 issues: a little girl gets kidnapped by aliens, superman tracks her down), Superman Smashes the Klan, and Faster than a Speeding Bullet in Superman Adventures (2013) by Matt Kindt.

If you liked the focus on interpersonal dynamics in the Trinity oneshot, one of my favorite Superman titles is DC Comics Presents, which is about 100 issues of the Pre-Crisis Superman (my favorite incarnation of the character), where every issue is a team-up. I'd recommend almost all of them, but my particular favorites are #85 with Swamp Thing by Alan Moore, the 3-part arc beginning with #27 with J'onn, Kara, and the Spectre which is Clark's first encounter with Mongul, #41 with the Joker, and #50, where Superman teams up with...Clark Kent? And of course, if you also like Batman, pretty much any run of World's Finest is worth picking up, my ultimate favorite WF issue is the original run's #289, the infamous Kryll Way of Dying. If you like lois, my favorite story with that relationship is the 2-parter Is There a Doctor in the House/Under Enemy Fire from Superman Adventures #11-12 (1996), nominally set in the DCAU continuity but very readable as a standalone. This entire run is pretty great. And if you like the Justice League, the 2000s series is justly famous, also starting with a long Morrison run, and later on including the famous Tower of Babel storyline by Mark Waid.

As for non comics, I have a rec list of STAS episodes here and a rec list of radio show episodes here! If I had to pick just one, for the radio show I'd suggest listening to Clan of the Fiery Cross for its historical value or The Headless Indian for character dynamics. For STAS I would watch the origin if you're not tired of origin stories by now, or the best standalone episode IMO is The Late Mr. Kent. btw in the superbat server we might be starting a DCAU superbat themed curated watchthrough soonish if you might be into that pspsps

The Elliot S! Maggin novels Last Son of Krypton and Miracle Monday deserve a separate bullet point because they are so fucking good. Miracle Monday is one of my two favorite Superman stories. Maggin's interpretation of Superman isn't to everyone's taste but it sure is to mine.

For other Superman media, with the understanding they all have their own flaws, I'd recommend the first Christopher Reeve movie, Justice League: Action shorts, the DCAMU's Death and Return of Superman movies, SOME episodes of DCAU's Justice League (hereafter and for the man who has everything), the 50's George Reeves show's Panic in the Sky and The Dog Who Knew Superman as well as the Reeve movie The Mole Men, Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman's pilot and further episodes if you like the clois romcom vibe, and Henry Cavill in Man of Steel, again with the understanding that all of these are more or less controversial in their own ways.

A note of caution about a few pieces of Superman media in particular: you'll see American Alien recced around. The author has been accused of being a serial rapist and has admitted to being a serial abuser at the point in his life he wrote it. I believe in the general principle of separating the artist from the art, but since this particular story is very self-expressive to the point of almost coming across as self-insert pseudo wish fulfillment, this inextricably stains the story to me. Your mileage may vary, and the author has made a public apology (which I find rather insincere, but again YMMV).

On a similar note the movie Superman Returns was directed by Bryan Singer and stars Kevin Spacey, both of whom have been credibly accused of child molestation. Even before I knew this I had some qualifications about it, but other fans like it. The plot will make much more sense if you watch the first two Reeve movies, as it's supposed to be a sequel to Superman II.

[poorwritingandstalecoffee]

Hello darling, I would love to send a request to you. If possible, would you be able to do a LarissaxReader fic where the reader is a werewolf(similar to those in twilight). Reader protects Larissa from either the Hyde or another monster but gets injured, leading to Larissa getting to care for them. Would love to see your take on this, also your ghost of you fic was simply amazing. Hope to read more from you soon

I love this idea!! While writing, I kind of spiraled into an inspiration hole and wrote more than I intended, so I'm splitting this up into two parts. Here is the first part; consider it like a prequel to what is about to happen to reader with the Hyde.

blood and bones

TW: gore, blood, murder, body parts talk

Rating: 16+

It was like flying—running in your wolf form. Your paws barely touch the ground as muscles coil and release relentlessly to send you hurtling through the air. Some werewolves even relate the feeling to free-falling, only on the ground. Once you reach a certain pace, your body becomes a weightless heap of blood and bones soaring in the air. Your stomach lifts and your heart pumps overtime in adrenaline while the wind around you becomes an overwhelming mixture of air particles and gravity. Your speed becomes your enemy and your lover all at once, and it's a dance of death to stop yourself from careening into your demise. It's addictive; the greatest and deadliest feeling werewolves can ever feel within a mere second.

**

You didn't understand how you were led to this moment; it's not like anyone ever tells you how dying will feel or even what to expect. It's nearly painless, and you almost miss it by the sheer spontaneity and speed it occurs. But then again, you always did feel like your body was racing through life in one ginormous free fall, and only one person was ever able to catch you.

She stole the breath right out from your burning lungs and breathed it right back into you in the same instance. It drew you to her and still knocks you to your knees—her ability to shock and calm you within a single exhale.

You just hope it's enough—your speed, power, exertion, strength, and your complete love and adoration for her—that you are enough to save her. To pull her back from the brink of death and send you soaring in to take her place.

**

When Wednesday tells you Thornhill is the Hyde’s master, the air grows cold for the rest of the night. Possibly indicating the dangerous, looming actions that would occur that night, but you didn't have time to read into it.

Immediately you brought her and the news to Larissa’s attention. Together you two convinced her to use her shapeshifting ability to help deceive Marilyn Laurel into giving herself away. It worked like a charm; she almost too easily maneuvered to Wednesday’s strings of taunting manipulation. So in a way, you were expecting her to do something, just trying to jam a needle into Larissa’s neck wasn't what you had in mind.

Due to your werewolf abilities, you picked up on her moves quicker. Something was about to happen, and one of three would die, but not by her hand if you had a say in the matter. Your ears twitched at the sound of the poisonous liquid sloshing in the needle, and the smell of a sickly bitter toxin filled your nose. The second you caught a glimmer of glass reflecting in her hand, your eyes saw red, and your muscles instinctively reacted, propelling you forward in front of Larissa. A strong hand shot out and caught Thornhill’s, and using your strength, you crushed the carpal bones and snapped the ends of her radius and ulna. Her wrist bent backward at a gruesome angle, and the needle went flying before crashing into the wall behind her.

Her pained-filled scream echoed in the room, and you couldn't deny savoring the sound before imagining your hands ripping her arms from the shoulder sockets so she could never harm another soul again. “Mmmm, what will it be?” Your musings turned into growls as you stalked towards her, the broken wrist clamped in your hand to prevent her escape.

Larissa gaped at you in horror or wonder; you couldn't tell. Wednesday, however, smirked devilishly at you, no doubt congratulating herself for predicting your actions and you matching her expectations. Her eyes turned toward Laurel with calm, cold, deadly intent. “Your schemes are over, Laurel, the dead will remain where they are, and you might just greet them in your grave.”

“No! Wednesday, she must be handed to the authorities and incarcerated for her crimes. She will not escape the consequences of her heinous actions with death.” Larissa moved to stand between the girl and Laurel, admittedly putting her closer to you and your murderous yet protective frame.

As her eyes swept over your guarded stance, tensed arms, and sharp eyes, she surprised herself at feeling safer and somewhat at ease near you. Granted, you placed yourself directly in the line of fire to protect her from Thornhill. That and your protective, shielding nature directed toward her brought up fresh feelings she has been working on burying for weeks to no avail.

“Oh, believe me, she will have what she is due from my hands. Neither death nor jail bars would suffice to what she will rightly feel from me.” You replied to Larissa, chuckling darkly with a feral growl. Laurel’s terrified gasp had you inching towards her, black claws extending.

A soft, firm hand on your bicep stopped you, and Larissa’s voice urged you to look at her. “Y/n,” she shook her head, a grim look on her face, and it almost made you feel guilty enough to back off, almost. “Despite what she had done…you can’t. It would only solidify the normie’s image of us as dangerous.”

You moved in front of her, mere inches from her face. Ignoring the cry of pain from Thornhill, you whispered intently, “She is dangerous. Think of what she has done to countless outcast students and normies, to YOU!” Your eyes darkened, and Larissa blushed slightly from their intensity. “You want justice? Metal bars will do nothing but buy her time to enact more bloodshed against innocents Larissa. Do you want her to pay and remember it? To feel it and regret it? Leave her to my teeth and claws. She tried to kill our students. She tried to kill you, and I will paint the walls of this room with her blood and play a symphony of her screams to echo among our Academy halls. She will feel my pain even in death, and her demise will remind normies NEVER to cross outcasts again.”

Larissa was shaking in her heels and could feel the heat blooming on her cheeks and between her thighs at watching you defend her and the students with merciless fury. Watching you willingly go as far as to create death for her and the students' salvation was only pulling her further in. Your protection was powerful and hot, and she couldn't deny how much she loved it, craved it.

Whispering deadly, “I will not stand by while she hurts those I love. Take Wednesday and evacuate the students to the hidden library. There's a Hyde on the loose, and I will not rest until every one of us is safe. I'll meet you there once I'm finished.”

Your words and intense look nearly had her in a trance. Looking from your lips to your dark eyes, Larissa wondered if you had always been this attractive because, holy shit. Your claws grazing her jaw snapped her out of it, and she subtly shook off the daze before looking back to you and then to Laurel. Watching her body quivering in fear under your grip and staring into her eyes, Larissa tried to see if there was truth in your words. She saw something flicker behind that layer of instinctual terror—unhinged anger. The kind of rage that could not be quelled by chains but has to be snuffed out by death.

She set her jaw at seeing Thornhill’s insanity and turned to you, nodding. “Okay.” She pointed a finger at you, momentarily shocking you at the action and the concern in her tone. “If you're not back at the statue by the time I'm done, I will look for you. Lose your pride for a second and realize the Hyde is stronger than you, Y/n. You cannot defeat it on your own.”

You saw the worry spreading across her face quickly and reached to rub her cheek gently. “I know; I'll be right next to you the second you turn looking for me.”

“Good,” Larissa sighed shakily before turning to Wednesday.

“I’m not going; I want to see this,” the girl said while crossing her arms, a devious smirk in place.

“No, you are not, and we are not discussing it.” Larissa declared before adding, “you're still a Nevermore student, and I will not allow you to become bait for a monster. Now move!” She glared at her, effectively stopping the oncoming argument, and walked her out the door.

Larissa spared a final glance at you and Thornhill, anticipating what she was about to hear with dread before shutting the door.

With a low, menacingly growl, you turned to the redhead, lips curling in a snarling smirk and eyes glowing in the darkening room. As your fangs descended, you taunted her, “I can think of seven ways to rip your limbs from your body, draw blood from your skin, rip muscle from bone, snap, crush, and split those bones, and draw every anguished scream from your throat before you die.”

You snatched her throat in your other hand and brought her close to your face so she could see your own murderous, enraged insanity swirling in your eyes. You growled into her face, and she grew colder from horror despite your hot breath blasting her face. “Shall we test my theory, Laurel?”

As Larissa hurried Wednesday and the other students through the halls and toward the hidden library, she heard the first of many screams ring out from the greenhouse. They were filled with pure, unhinged, animalistic terror and pain, filled with the deepest depths of human anguish and fear known to humanity. Larissa didn't know if she loved or was terrified by them. Probably both.

[compacflt]

Hello, me again back with another question about the US Navy that I can't find an answer to online so I'm turning to the only source I can think of that may help. And yet again I know you say your knowledge of the US military isn't as deep as it seems but it's better than mine considering I'm not from the US, I just wanted to know how officers get off aircraft carriers? It seems like a very basic question but I'm just wondering about if in Top Gun Maverick the carrier they were on was in port and they took it to wherever the Dagger mission takes place, or they got taken to the ship if it was already at sea? If so, how would they get there? If there was an emergency, say a family member was dying, they were in the middle of the ocean and got emergency leave approved, how would they get to land? Would the ship have to port at the nearest US Naval Base? Or would you have to land on the carrier somehow? This has been on my mind for a while so any help would be greatly appreciated, your blog really adds a realistic layer to Top Gun that is refreshing

navy logistics is some of the most interesting stuff in the world. especially World War II navy logistics (the infamous ice cream barge!!!). But even today how equipment & rations & personnel (and MAIL!!!) make it on/off boats is SO fascinating & takes ungodly amounts of coordination. take a look at this video posted by the uss gerald ford (CVN 78) a couple days ago.

those are sh-60s (Sea hawks—navy black hawk variant) dropping palletized goods from a cargo ship onto the flight deck of the carrier. Including sailors’ mail, overseas goods, food etc. just awesome stuff.

in terms of officers getting on/off ships, yeah you could do it a few ways. Number one would be when the boat makes a port call. Fun fact, It used to be a huge time-honored tradition for crews to make “cruise jackets” with the names of every place your ship/carrier had stopped. not too sure if it’s still done but it was a big thing after wwii. both mav and ice would probably have them.

port calls would be when crewmen and officers especially could leave the boat & party it up on dry land. so you get the stereotype of navy officers cheating on their wives with foreign women in “foreign ports of call.”

number two, if it’s a high ranking officer like the carrier strike/battle group commander (typically a RDML) who needs for some reason to leave the carrier at the center of the CS/BG formation & go to another ship, yeah you just send over a chopper like an SH-60 to go pick them up and ferry them to wherever they need to go. when I wrote ice (RADM) as deputy Cdr of third fleet (four carriers) that might be one way he’d get around the fleet. (But also not 100% sure he’d even be at sea. That was kind of just for plot/emotional reasons to separate him from mav.) but so like.. if the fleet commander/deputy cdr had a family emergency (say: found out that Carole is gonna die soon) and he got cleared to leave, he could hop on a helicopter in range (SH-60 has a range of about 400 mi for instance—the similar USCG HH-60 jayhawk, which was canonically what picked up mav & brought him back to base after he blew up the darkstar, has a range of 800 mi; if not in range he’d have to move his carrier closer [wouldn’t happen, he would be SOL]) which would take him to the nearest allied airfield with a plane to fly home. Which is what happened in my fic. lots of hurdles to clear. it’s very inconvenient & obviously not encouraged.

here is a relevant section from my wips.

for the mission in Top gun: maverick, obviously we don’t know for sure where the mission takes place, but it’s clearly somewhere in the northern INDOPAC region close to the ocean in specifically third fleet’s AOR (area of responsibility). (the list of reasons I chose southeast Russia to be the enemy location in my fic is soooo unbelievably long.) the navy would have a carrier strike group in the region for some time before. then it would make the most expeditious sense for the aircrews (mav, rooster et al) to be flown in from SoCal to somewhere closer, like a navy/air force base in Japan or South Korea, before they get transferred either by land (walk onto the carrier) or by air (chopper pick-up). given the time constraints of the mission I’m going with chopper. Carriers are fast… like really fast by boat standards… but not “travel across the Pacific Ocean in a day” fast. and not “waste time for a port call pick-up” fast.

also (random piece of nautical knowledge I know for some reason) there are some (possibly non-military) reasons why you’d do a personnel transfer by sea. take cruise ships for instance. When they pull into a port, there’s a whole guy whose job it is to take over for the captain to steer the boat into the port they presumably know very well. so this is actually how local cruise ship pilots get onto cruise ships. disney cruises included.

sketchy as fuck. I’m not sure if there’s a similar concept for aircraft carriers when they pull into unfamiliar ports… but I wouldn’t be surprised. however that’s for the captain of the boat. I would be shocked if high-ranking managerial officers ever needed to embark & disembark like this. but i just think it’s kind of funny.

[soaps-mohawk]

me sliding into your asks as soon as i see they're open: HECKIN. YES.

(also i wrote this before the latest update if the vibes seem off)

I know you've been having A Time of it so no pressure to answer this (or if it bothers you! I hope you don't mind but if you do I apologize) 

But I was reading through the CRCB FAQs and you were talking about how a second omega would fit in the pack, with Simon as their "primary" alpha. I was thinking about what kind of omega would be interesting and able to keep up with them....and landed on: well, there have to be SOME omega rights activists, right? It seems like omega suffrage would be a fairly new thing (last 100 years or so), and that generally speaking omegas have the limited rights that American women had prior to women's lib/the advent of no fault divorce (and if you've already talked about this ahhhh don't mind me!)

And I just thought. That would be so delicious. An older omega rights activist (30s? older than reader!omega "Too old" by societal norms) , not super well known but pretty independent for an omega. and the US government can't just KILL them as much as they want to, (the FBI is like wym y not???:( so ooc for us ) so the CIA is like hey UK!!! heard about some omega shit you were doing. Need another one??? But don't look at that file too closely. Actually, you know what, just give the file back to us, you don't need it

Basically the exact opposite reason reader was chosen (military background, textbook good omega , genuinely trying their best to be a good omega vs civilian actively trying to cause a ruckus  who needs to be black bagged) and they know Ghost's reputation and his upbringing, on paper they see a man who will NOT take kindly to this mouthy omega, who will undoubtedly fight him on EVERYTHING, who will certainly hate the good omega the pack already has, so no one will be too concerned if Riley roughs them up a bit. if the omega dies during claiming wah wahhh so sad. but these things happen and now the Brits owe us a favor for killing a US citizen

Of course they don't take into account how much reader!omega has impacted the pack, who is already working on ways to make the new omega feel welcome and cared for, that Ghost would sooner kill himself than put himself in a position where he felt he was unsafe for (his) omega OR that Ghost would probably be really chuffed to have an omega that will stand toe to toe with him and who will be SO EXCITED at learning how to fight alphas. 

idk idk i just had fun thinking about it. reader!omega being very protective of New Packmate, doing things she wish had been done when she was first introduced to the pack (fluffy blanket shopping spree!!) lowkey being a wingman, baking brownies together, HAVING THEIR OWN GROUP CHAT ABOUT THE BOYS!! well i guess it's just a chat if there's only two in it but you get it

anyway thank you for sharing this wonderful world with us :)

(also: i was so scared about the new chapter bcos anxiety! i was worried the boys would just be harsh and angry for the dramatic tension but their reactions were believable and informed by what they've been learning about the realities of being an omega. and it was so well done, it made my heart hurt but the good way.)

Haha yeah, I was getting a ton and didn't want to overwhelm myself so I turned them off for a bit before Saturday since I knew I'd be getting many after I posted the chapter.

Ah yeah, that was an idea I had early on writing this fic. Something similar except Simon doesn't accept the first omega so Laswell sends in a second (the details and world are very different with a few similarities) for Simon and Johnny.

But this would be a good idea too!! Definitely would be some butting heads there and there would be a lot of struggles between them. Angst though. The angst would be chef's kiss

(Yeah, I tried to tone it down more from what it was originally going to be and honestly I made them nicer than they should have been, while also keeping it realistic still. John definitely was the most understanding because he understands why 'mega kept it a secret in the first place. I broke everyone's hearts this week. I can't promise I'm not gonna do it again next week)