#kids are smart and I'm sure there is plenty they will understand

[allhailthemightyquattro]

I really appreciated that message. I went because a friend asked me to, and I was prepared for another “#GirlBoss, if you’re not trying to be successful, you’re not supporting feminism” thing. But instead, it was the opposite. Liking dolls and being pink doesn't make you a fascist. Being ordinary doesn’t make you complacent to the patriarchy. It’s okay to be Stereotypical Barbie. Just like it’s okay to be President Barbie or Doctor Barbie or Weird Barbie. Or Allan. And it’s okay to be any type of Ken you want. It was a very unsubtle movie and had a lot of political satire that people have already misconstrued as man-hate. There were times that even I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. But in the end, when you put it all together, I feel like it had a great message.

That last line sure came out of nowhere, though.

The Barbie movie isn't about girl power. It's not about how women can do everything they set their mind to. It's about how sometimes women are tired and average and that has to be okay too, because you don't have to do everything to be worth anything. (And that this is also true of men.)

[missisjoker]

Monday rumblings about Cregan Stark

I feel like the fandom collectively decided that Cregan Stark is this broody, solemn, always serious man whose smile is a rare treasure, like a warm day in winter.

And I get it; he is very straight-forward, right down to business, no-bullshit type of a guy (which is understandable, considering the conditions he lives in, and lives he must protect on a daily basis).

I also understand how he would be cold and reserved at first, cautious of anyone he doesn't know (case in point: Jace), and guarded (considering his closest family tried to usurp him, why wouldn't he be?)

And yes, he would be a giant loving teddy bear to his wife and kids.

But where's his mischievous side? Where's his adventurous and dangerous side?

Why are we all missing that

He is incredibly smart - he managed to oust his usurper uncle at the age of 16 by sheer will and wits. That says a lot.

He has a dry, sharp sense of humor. Yes, you don't get it much from 3 minutes of screen time, but if you read the books, it's THERE. Even the jab at Jace ("you had the mercy of not threatening me with your dragon") is right there, and it's FUNNY. Give me more sarcastic and dark-humored-Cregan!

He is a charismatic person- first of all, some generic schlob wouldn't get 3 wives, one of which was Aly Blackwood. Like, that just doesn't happen unless you're filthy rich (which Cregan is not). So I doubt he could've gotten that just by being this cold and broody and grumpy Wolf. No, there's plenty of charisma there. Second of all, he got the Riverlords look up to him the moment he reached their armies. He didn't even DO anything much, just SHOWED UP, and got them all blushing like maidens. That doesn't sound to me like fear or respect or general unease that you get next to a respectable, strong personality. It sounds more like a crush to me, if i'm being honest.

He is adventurous, he loves danger, and you can't convince me otherwise. A peace/safety-loving man would not threaten to attack 3 separate kingdoms just because he felt like it.

And he is also deeply wounded inside. He lost his mother young, so he never had a loving warm embrace of his mom. He lost his brother and his father when he was what, a teen? He was an orphan, while his closest remaining family was scheming behind his back. That kind of betrayal wounds deep. He lost his wife to a child bed, and i'm sure deep down he feels guilty about it (even though it's not his fault at all). So, there's a lot of insecurity and guilt and loneliness deep inside him- he is probably touch-starved, he likely wants to be praised and told that yes, he IS good enough to be a leader/husband/father. That the person he might open his heart to will never betray him, and never leave him- come hell or high water, they will be there for him. He even maybe, deep down, wants a person who he could be weak with. Not whiny or capricious, but weary. He is YOUNG, and he carries so much on his shoulders. He needs someone who would let him put his head down to their arms let it go, even if just for a moment.

He is smart, strong, quick-witted with dry sense of humor, but he is also an orphan and a widower with a Kingdom to run in the harshest of conditions.

I just feel like we are all concentrating on this "standard" Stark-ish description of him but missing the depth of his character. There's so much to explore...

Ok, rant over.

And yes, I just want to wrap him in a blanket and cuddle him like a giant grumpy northern burrito.

[mdhwrites]

Villains are not Characters

I have seen multiple lists at this point that try to tell you all the traits you need for a great villain. Make sure to include a sympathetic backstory, make them scary, make them charismatic, make them smart, make them whacky, etc. etc. None of them understand what a villain is though. What an antagonist is.

An antagonist is a narrative device.

Yes, we could argue all things in literature are narrative devices... And they are. What I'm about to say also goes for a protagonist after all. We have the term anti-hero to describe a protagonist who acts villainously or isn't meant to be likable or sympathetic for a reason after all. You make what fits the story best though. What fits the goal and theme of your work best.

And so the way to make a good villain is to first understand what the concept of your work even is and how they challenge it. If your story preaches the power of friendship, your villain is probably going to be someone who is mostly alone and thinks friendship is stupid. Maybe not that childishly but that's still going to be the core thrust of him because he opposes the heroes and the theme of the story. Beating him means the theme wins out. Does he need to be deep in this example or relatable or anything like that? Absolutely not! You can do it that way, have him come to the good side when he realizes the good of friendship (hi Unikitty of all things) but you'll do plenty fine just having an asshole who sneers and mocks the very notion and then has his plans undone because the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

And some of you might be saying this is obvious... While a lot of others might go "Okay but that's hard." People like a one size fits all solution. The hero's journey essentially exists for that reason. We like simple things that can be pointed at to make our work be praised because creation is scary and major elements like antagonist and protagonist are the first to be mocked and the first to be praised in a work usually, especially in writing where spectacle isn't really a thing. As such, people want a list of criteria that will just make it work.

But that's also how you get really boring or tonally clashing villains. There are genuinely stories out there where the reason people end up going "Wait, he had a point. We're the villains here," despite the framing is because in an attempt to make the villain seem to have a proper motivation and depth, they actually ended up justifying him. Ended up proving him correct and that maybe his methods were the right ones, even in works where they are NOT supposed to be. On paper they might be the best thing ever... Until they make actual contact with the story you've written.

One of the best examples for a villain that should not work on paper, AT ALL, but is genuinely genius is Doofenshmirtz from Phineas and Ferb. Yeah, the guy who wants to take over the Tri-State Area. The guy who barely interacts with the main protagonists except for sometimes his inventions being that which helps the boys not get caught. The guy who is a complete joke.

Here's the thing though: The point of the show is the unbridled power and joy of creativity. The bliss that is eyes wide open and prepared to accept the wonder of the world. After all, what is really the difference between Phineas/Ferb and Doof? Both create miraculous things in very short spans of time. They are both endlessly creative, never making quite what you expect but they view things different and thus Perry reacts to them differently. There's nothing wrong with a kid tinkering with his toys for fun and for the fun of others after all. Their heart is pure and their intention good. Perry only steps in when the boys end up somehow putting themselves in danger because someone needs to make sure the kids don't end up running with scissors.

Doof though is missing that wonder and joy. He takes great pride in his creations but the creation is not the goal, unlike the boys. He shows the harm that all of this creativity bent towards selfishness and anger can cause. He contrasts the boys and reminds the audience that there is something special that makes the protagonist who they are just by existing. And as such, because he opposes the themes, Perry is always there to stop him because he's running with scissors, hoping to find someone to stab. Not that dark admittedly but you get the point.

He is so deeply in conversation with the themes of the show that despite very rarely coming into active conflict with the protagonists, or even seeing them on a given episode, he still does his job as a villain through his B plots in the episodes. You get the push and pull of a great villain just through a shift in perspective.

But none of these listicles for how to write a great villain is going to tell you to write Doofenshmirtz. He's an incompetent, pathetic fool after all who is beat by a platypus. Of course, that's because they don't know what a villain actually is, thus making them far more of a joke than Doof ever was. See you next tale.

======+++++======

Just a fun personal element: A lot of my non-serialized works don't have explicit villains in them because they're often so focused on characters and their burgeoning relationships that the biggest villain is the self. Just your reminder that sometimes the best villain for a story is none.

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[novankenn]

Jaune Arc of Orleans

An Uncomfortable Journey

Seriously?" Jaune whined as he held a device of pure malice and dread in his hands. It was an amalgamation of plastics, metal and circuitry.

"Listen kid." the stubbly, grimy and partially drunk man accompanying him spoke. "You wanted to go to Beacon..."

"I NEED to go to Beacon!" Jaune snapped at Qrow. "I NEED to!"

"Okay, okay, take it down a notch." Qrow lifted his hands in a pacifying motion. "YOU need to be at Beacon and the only way your scary as fuck mom would let that happen is if ONE I escort you there myself. TWO I swear on my life that you will remain physically safe and unharmed."

Qrow took a swig from his flask before continuing.

"THREE that I guarantee that as she put it, some loose legged hussy didn't get her hands on you..." Qrow grumbled, "and FOUR that I make sure when we are not in our private quarters that you wear a chastity belt to preserve your virtue for your future wife."

"This is stupid!" Jaune shouted as he threw the abomination ineffectually against the wall of their cabin. "Girls don't..."

"Exactly. Girls don't, and to be honest most guys don't either... you however are... special."

"Yeah special." Jaune grumbled as he dropped his ass onto the second of the two narrow beds that lined the walls of the private cabin. "So special that I'm being auctioned off to the highest bidder as a husband."

"Jaune I'm sorry that you're in this situation. I am." Qrow offered, "But you are not so stupid to not understand what is going on. You're a male from a reputable and distinguished family."

"I know, and of course that fact that Orleans is not only sitting on massive light dust deposit as well as the largest and most accessible Mutable Dust deposit on Remnant."

"Yeah, both of which your family has controlling interest in."

"But not the capital resources to engage in efficient and full scale mining operations."

"I knew you were smart kid."

"Doesn't change anything." Jaune snapped.

"Didn't say it did." Qrow replied. "Now if you don't have anything else but complaints I suggest we both take this chance and have a nap."

"And if I don't feel like it and want to explore?"

"Put on the belt, and have at it." Qrow had to suppress a chuckle at the sudden downtrodden look that crossed the young man's boyish features. "You know I'll unlock it as soon as you get back."

"I still hate it." Jaune grumbled.

"Then have a nap, or read something on your scroll. Play a game, or pray." Qrow suggested, "Just DO NOT leave this room without that belt on, or your mom will skin and tan both our asses. Understood?"

"Yeah, yeah." Jaune muttered as he climbed fully on to his bunk and rolled over his back facing Qrow who was lounging on his own bunk. Qrow remained flat on his back, his head tilted just enough that he could keep an eye on his travelling companion.

Qrow understood Jaune's frustrations. But there wasn't much that he could do to ease them. That damnable plague had forever changed the ratio of male to female... in the favor of females. Which did provide some plentiful opportunities for the more adventurous men of the world. But for those males born into more affluent or traditionalist leaning families, it was a suffocating weight upon their shoulders.

Being male was almost a curse. Your options for employment, schooling, recreation were severely limited by politicians, doctors and officials intent on keeping what remained of the those human and faunus that bore the XY chromosomes.

Qrow was an outlier. HIs skills, temperament and semblance making him much more suited for a role that for the last century and a half was a female dominated occupation. Yet as he watched his young charge, slowly succumb to sleep, Qrow thought that Jaune could be an outlier like himself. That thought caused the often drunken man to sigh, and silently hope that he was mistaken.

==> Table of Contents <==

Mutable Dust = A rare gray coloured dust that when mixed with other dusts takes on the properties of said dust. The ration is 30/70, so if 6 kilos of pure fire dust is cut with 2 kilos of mutable dust you in fact now have the equivalent of 8 kilos of pure fire dust.

[justin-chapmanswers]

You're trying too hard to make the II cast sound like real people. They're always whining about not being liked or being betrayed and have social anxiety 24/7 when that's not how people really are. you could balance it out with some s1-styled minimum-necessary dialogue where characters just call each other dumb and ugly and stupid and kick each other into the sun. idk i just feel like scenes like those get to the point faster and keeps things balanced

Totally get that from the perspective of anyone who's entry-point to the show is s1, which I'm sure is plentyyy-common. And there's definitely a lot of this sentiment in the air today with Webz's video on the subject having just come out, with plenty of smart analysis regarding how the different eras of the show depict character.

I like a lot of what comes with the season one era. It's fun to revisit us as kids work with what came naturally to us. It's fun to see the wacky spontaneity that'd come about that would then be put to paper and never questioned. (And, even at that, I wasn't part of the writing team until fairly late into the season. So I can't take all too much credit for the early-show artistry.)

That all said, like noted above, that's what came naturally to us at that point. We as writers have never really written the show forrrr an audience. We write it for us. In-so-far as we're looking to impressive ourselves, entertain ourselves. Create something we'd enjoy watching, were we not the creators. And I wholeheartedly believe that's the way to write. We're not young adults making a show for kids, we're just making a show for us... that is also viewable and (hopefully) understandable for a younger audience, as well.

That doesn't mean, at all, that we're not influenced by the audience and what we read online. I read way too much for my own mental health, that's a work-in-progress, but I also find it important to embrace the element of conversation between creator and viewer with online projects. And that influence becomes a little part of me for the next time I write.

That aside, were we to just try to write in the essence of season one, I believe that at best it'd come across as a shadow of its former self, trying desperately to replicate the past. I completely understand that this ask isn't blatantly saying "make more season one," but the reality is that a lot of that old style just doesn't click with who we (or at least I) are anymore. A character I care about is called a mean name and kicked into the sun, I'm going to be less-quick to find that charming and silly and am probably going to be quicker to say "oh no :((((( ." Obviously it's very very tone-dependent, but my soul drips with sentimentality, so of course that's going to carry through when I'm bringing my art to the world. Anything less would be dishonest.

And, frankly, I've seen a lot of strong feedback that gives the very opposite essence of this ask: "please please, bring back the tone of season two, that's what I'm here for." Which I completely get as well. I love it, a lot of the work that I'm proudest of is from later season two. Ultimately, I do like to find a balance, and the best I can do is hope that people vibe with that.

Even with more recent work of mine on the show, I'll look back on and criticize myself on how that's it. Too jokey here, too schmaltzy there, need more room to breathe and explore here, this section is nonsense and cuttable there. It happens. But come the end, I'm happy season one exists. I'm happy season two exists. And I'm especially happy that we're able to work on a production that is so authentically us.

[panlight]

I know fandom doesn't always think of Bella as a "Cullen" when thinking of the coven collectively. She wasn't included in your worst traits amplified answer. But I was still curious what you think hers would be.

Yeah to me "The Cullens" are the group pre-Bella. I understand that by the end of the story she and Renesmee are part of it, by in my brain everything sort of exists in this Eclipse-era status quo so I don't think of her as a Cullen.

As for a negative trait enhanced . . . I guess she could have turned into Renee? She seems to have a similar ability to get everyone to fall all over themselves to cater to her needs. This could just be Main Character syndrome, but we could chalk it up to inheriting a gift similar to Renee's and Bella doesn't even realize she's doing, but like, how many people put their lives on the line for Bella's love story? How many people end up dead because of it? Like, kind of a lot!

Renesmee is too young and too much of a plot device or symbol to really have any 'traits,' negative or positive. People have plenty of headcanons, but I'm talking on the page. She is possessive of Jacob though, and loves to show off the size of her prey, but how much these are 'negative traits' and not just 'she doesn't have much life experience yet no matter how smart she is' who's to say? She could have another Renee-like power, although personally I think most of the visiting vampires were doing it for Carlisle and/or because it was 'right' rather than because 'omg look at this cute baby' but Bella and Eleazar spoke about it as if Renesmee is just that cute and endearing, and you can certainly read her gift as maybe planting positive feelings for her in people's minds, as the ones who didn't let her touch them (like Amun and Alistair) were much less committed to the cause.

Or she could just go completely negative; this kid is going to be spoiled rotten as the miracle only child of a rich family PLUS she has Jacob, who has to be and do whatever she wants, and this is all super normal to her since birth. She is supremely used to being the center of attention and it seems really natural and normal to her. She's also used to 'showing' her thoughts to other people; if her power grows, how close do we get to mind-control? I'm sure SM intends for her to be all loveliness and light (but feel like an outsider as a hybrid), but she could easily go down a darker route.

[givemewallywestorgivemedeath]

I'm writing a fanfic centered around Wally Linda Irey and Jai, but I can't find any comics where Irey and Jai have like. Actual personalities lmao. I've found like one where Wally helps Jai use his powers without being in extreme pain but other than that they just seem like Typical Comic Book Kids. Ik plenty about the rest of the FlashFam but for some reason Irey and Jai aren't like. Given personalities from what I can tell? Do you have any suggestions?

I'm not really sure what you have read but the Wild Wests established their personalities fairly well. Adams run has also done that.

Irey is a lot like her father. A lot like her father. She's quick to anger and even quicker to lash out. Unlike Wally at that age, her favorite weapon isn't her fists but her tongue. That kid can be mean when she's mad. Irey has an almost teenaged level of sarcasm and sass up her sleeve at all times.

Not to say that she isn't nice as well. She's extremely friendly and outgoing. She puts herself out there and makes friends in a snap. Again... she's a lot like her father. 100% full throttle into whatever emotion she's feeling at the time.

And yeah, beyond that she's a pretty typical speedster child. ADHD to the max. Wants to be a hero and save people even though she's like 9. Dreams of being the Flash's sidekick. Absolutely adores the Flash (Wally). Again, think young KF Wally to get Irey's personality. Even down to the 'wants to be smart about it but is still impulsive as fuck' thing. Irey is 100% the kid with the plan. She thinks things through. She also does things without thinking. No, they aren't mutually exclusive. She has ADHD.

Now Jai.

Jai is a good mix of his parent's personalities. Think 'Blue Valley' era Wally and 'pre dating Wally' Linda. Jai is shy and withdrawn. He prefers solitary activities like journaling, reading and playing videogames. When he's excited he can be hyperactive but he isn't really 'active' the way Irey is. He doesn't have an unlimited amount of energy to burn, just normal kid energy.

Jai is calmer. Personality wise and in general. He lets things simmer. He mulls things over and thinks about things. He is slow to change his emotions. Stubborn even. Jai's baseline is 'annoyed and snappy with Irey' or 'vulnerable shy child emerges from his shell to speak to his parents'.

He's a bit of a lonely kid. Not that you would pick up on that around his family. But at school or at the park? Jai doesn't know how to make friends with other children.

When he's with Irey, he's fine but Jai isn't very functional alone. Despite how much he says that he resents Irey, he's extremely codependent. I can understand his perspective. She annoys him but she's also always been there for him. She's the only one who understands him and she was quite literally the only child he had met until he was seven years old. And then he only started going to school at eight. So he didn't really get to develop his social life beyond Irey.

Jai compares himself a lot to Irey. She's the perfect golden child. Superspeed, extremely social, smart, ect. Jai envies her. He wants her powers, her friends and her grades. He was extremely grouchy and depressed when he didn't have powers because it exacerbated this comparison. He's a little bit better now. A little bit.

That's not to say that he hates Irey. He doesn't. They're siblings and they'd do anything for each other. They are extremely protective of their twin (Irey lied to Jai about their illness being fatal to spare his feelings, Irey comforted Jai when he found out, Irey had been subconsciously sharing her powers with Jai, Irey took them back when she found out it was hurting him, Irey gave Jai her powers again when he asked, Jai saved Irey from kidnappers solo, Jai saved Irey from the blowback in OMW, ect, ect) They just also annoy the absolute hell out of each other.

[ca-suffit]

Rolin Jones saying he made the show for neilcfreak doesn't absolve her of her racism and general unpleasantness. It proves two things. That Rolin doesn't know anything about fandom and if he does doesn't care. And two that even the most wretched white people get good things. They get to slip into spaces they shouldn't even after being terrible while Black people who are more deserving don't.

Also let's not kid ourselves. Rolin makes this show for Lestat and the huge boner he has for Lestat. When he found out AMC had bought the books he begged to be put on the project and had his own production company come up with a brief to present to AMC.

He's said repeatedly that he can't wait to do the Lestat season and that he enjoys writing Lestat. By the way I have no problem with him loving Lestat because that hasn't stood in the way of Season 1 being as good as it is.

I'm just saying he didn't know Gorrei before he spent money to pitch the show. So let's take that with a grain of salt.

I'm p sure Rolin says a lot that he doesn't read stuff online. he's also a white guy in his 50s with a long history of working in television. it's ttly different worlds. I don't expect him to know shit lol.

but ya that's the point ppl don't want u to focus on. ppl want u to think if I was nicer then we'd all sit down and solve racism in an hour and I could stop being so "jealous" and "have fun" too. lol but that's not real. all of this happening isn't v surprising because this is already what's been happening and will continue to happen. the white fandom ppl the show seeks out or who buy access to these spaces aren't more deserving or smarter (def not that lol) they're just white. anne rice was also just white. if she'd been anything else she'd have lost her job instantly for opening her mouth the way she did.

this is why white ppl need to be the ones saying things more because a lot of white fandom bs relies on white ignorance and appealing to white emotions. rn white fandom here isn't even mostly white ppl anymore and that's made it worse tbh. cuz they rely on usually showmey0urfangs or maybe keybearer to shout down at ppl how they're black and won't be spoken over.....while literally they have no community with the black fandom here anymore at all lol. neither one of them is american either btw. there's not a single well known black american fan here despite that being the main character of the show rn and plenty of fans fitting that description. if neilcfreak wanted to scream so loudly about "I'm (white) jewish so understand the struggle" when talking about racism then where tf is her solidarity for speaking on racist shit lol. couldn't possibly be that was only a way for her to avoid apologizing for saying racist shit? never....

white fandom only cares about protecting its own and having a specific identity only when it can be weaponized to avoid accountability. that's all anne rice did too. arguing with ppl and being a constant victim is a basic manipulation technique meant to exhaust the other side and "win" without needing to provide any real argument. these ppl can't talk about the themes of anything with any depth so u'll notice even when talking about the books, it's always broad mentions of "dark themes" without discussing them ever. they're only smart to themselves and that's why they're in my asks screaming I'm jealous of them. u can see how maven and them talk how superior they feel for this despite the majority of the fandom knowing they're stupid. ur just white, that's the end of it. u have never proven ur deserving of anything and I already know that's how the world works so lol. scream it at me as much as u want but it doesn't make it more true. ur just white and whiteness gets rewarded when u also promote white fandom shit. this group works together to promote each other for this reason but it's still usually only the white ppl getting the full benefits. ur bland af catering to the widest appeal possible. ur challenging nothing but needing to get in my asks to show off about it because ur so angry I'm not kissing ur asses lol. the lestat parallels never end I stg.

the one thing I think white fandom isn't prepared for tho is that maybe the Rolin's lestat won't be the version they expect him to be either lol. if ur familiar with stuff Rolin does I don't think he's gonna be what they want and that's gonna be so funny.

[duhragonball]

Neon Genesis Evangelion 16

Tonight's episode: Whatever this thing is.

This one opens with another breakfast at Misato's place, but Asuka jumps out of the shower complaining it's too hot, then jumps down Shinji's throat for apologizing for things he can't control, like the water being too hot. She also seems sore about Misato getting back together with Kaji, then she slams the door shut, which I didn't even think you could do with those Japanese sliding doors. You'd just tear the whole thing apart, right? Anyway, this scene was probably intended to reintroduce the main cast, particularly Shinji, who will be psychoanalyzed later, but it's weird how Asuka will barge into a room, throw three different fits simultaneously, and leave. I feel like that probably needs some professional attention.

The kids do another round of testing at the NERV base, and Shinji's compatibility with the Eva has increased again, finally putting his numbers above Asuka's. Misato hopes this will improve his confidence. Asuka, of course, is very gracious abou-- ha ha I can't even finish that sentence. No, she throws another fit, because it's a day that ends in a "y". Rei's like "good luck with that" and leaves her to stew.

It does actually give Shinji something to feel good about. He does a little fist pump on the bus, but he sees some kids laughing at him and he gets self-conscious about it.

The next day, a giant sphere shows up over Tokyo-3, and they can't even tell if it's an Angel or not, but the smart money is on "yes it is". Misato sends all three pilots to reconnoiter, and tells them that one will go into attack, with the other two backing that one up. Asuka suggests that Shinji take point, since he's testing so well these days. Misato isn't sure he's up for it, but Shinji's feeling his oats, so he wants to do it. Well okay then.

But Shinji's a little too eager this time. He pulls too far ahead of the others, so there's no one to back him up. Impulsively, he opens fire on the Angel, and then a shadow appears underneath him and swallows him up. Great, so it's a Stand User on top of everything else.

Later, Ritsuko explains that the shadow is the Angel, and it only appears when... look, I'm not going to pretend to understand how this works. The big sphere is actually the shadow cast by the Angel's weird geometry. The point is that Shinji's inside a parallel world separate from our own universe. The power cable to his Eva was severed when they tried to pull it back out, but if he conserves battery power in life-support mode, he should be able to survive for sixteen hours.

Okay, these batteries are complete bullshit. Sometimes they're only good for one minute, other times they can power an Eva for five minutes, and now there's a way to keep it on for sixteen hours. I get it, it's probably all about what you do with the Eva while it's on the battery. Combat and locomotion are going to waste power much faster. But it's strange to me how it can last that much longer in a situation like this. It would have been easier for me to buy that they developed a better battery since the last episode.

Asuka openly mocks Shinji for his predicament, and Rei asks her if she pilots the Eva just for the praise of others. Uh, yeah, Asuka practically admitted this a few episodes back. Asuka denies it now, but come on. Don't kid a kidder, Asuka. I don't think I understand Rei's point here, but it's pretty clear that Asuka is just acting out to avoid dealing with the stress of Shinji's disappearance. Rei isn't buying it and she's not going to take the bait just to give Asuka the distraction she wants.

Inside, Shinji is still alive, but there's nothing he can do. His sensors can detect nothing outside the Eva. To his credit, he did set the Eva on life support mode, so he's got plenty of time, but there's not much he can do other than wait for a rescue.

It doesn't take long for him to start panicking. See, he's thinking about blood, which is what Rei was thinking about when she synced up with Unit 01 a couple of episodes back. She got a taste of his dark thoughts, and I guess he got a taste of hers when Unit 00 went berserk all over again.

Outside, Ritsuko proposes a plan that would involve dropping 992 N2 mines into the shadow, all at once. That would somehow allow them to recover Unit 01. Misato asks how Shinji could possibly survive such a thing. Well, he'd be inside the Eva, so if the Eva's salvageable, I assume he'd be alive as long as his life support doesn't run out.

But Ritsuko doesn't say that. Instead she explains that the Eva is the priority here, not the pilot. Misato slaps her for that. Damn!

See, this is what I'm talking about when I was complaining about the first half of this series. Not everything has to be a laser karate fight or an exploding robot. This show's premise is loaded with tension--the world is always in danger of being destroyed-- so you knew that one of these days Ritsuko and Misato might not get along as well as they normally do. But they could have done something like this much, much earlier in the show than this, and it would have added a lot of texture to the story. I mean, at least they're doing it now, so it's not a total waste, but a lot of the good stuff we're getting in the second half makes me mad at the missed opportunities in the first half.

Ritsuko pulls rank and tells Misato that she's told her all she knows. We know that's a lie, because Kaji showed Misato that secret room in the NERV basement. Misato doesn't know what an Eva is, exactly, but it's got something to do with that Angel corpse that's trussed up downstairs, and Gendo Ikari and Ritsuko seem to care more about the Evas than the pilots.

Meanwhile, Shinji experiences some sort of presence who identifies as himself. All beings, it explains, are composed of two selves: one's own self-perception, and the way one is perceived by others.

The voice tells Shinji that he fears the Shinji Ikari that exists in the minds of others. He's too wrapped up in worrying about how others feel about him. This probably stems from his father deserting him as a small child, but...

... the voice tells him it isn't that simple. Shinji ran away from himself that day. There's images and voices accusing Gendo Ikari of killing his wife, so I have no idea how to unpack all of that, but there's a rich tapestry of issues here. It's hard to imagine that this is just Shinji's mind talking to itself, because he normally isn't this willing to confront these things head-on like this. So maybe this is Angel trying to make contact with him, but we can't tell.

Then, as Shinji seems to succumb to the life support failure, some ghostly figure embraces him and... I don't know.

Outside, the shadow on the ground begins to form bloody cracks, and NERV's sensors go off the charts. No one knows what's happening.

Ritsuko is especially confused, because her recovery operation hasn't even started yet.

Then we see the Eva's hand burst out of the sphere. You know, the sphere that Ritsuko said wasn't actually the Angel? Well, all that blood coming out of it would beg to differ. Maybe she didn't understand it as well as she thought.

I gotta say, this is pretty cool.

Finally Unit 01 busts out and it screams like it did way back in the beginning, when Shinji didn't know what he was doing. This terrifies a lot of the people on the ground. Asuka is gobsmacked to see just what it is she's piloting. I think Rei already knew they were like this. Pretty sure Ritsuko knew as well, but...

This is still beyond anything she might have expected.

Her words are a clue for Misato, but she doesn't think the Evas are simply copied from the body of the first Angel. There's more to it than that, and what really concerns her is this: Just what is NERV planning to do with the Evas once all the Angels have been destroyed?

Anyway, they get Shinji out of the robot and he's still alive, though delerious.

Later, Ritsuko and Gendo are overseeing the repairs to Unit 01, and she worries that Misato or Shinji might have noticed something about the Evas that they're not supposed to know. If they ever figured it out, she worries that they'd never forgive them. Gendo acknowledges this, but wants to leave it be for now.

Shinji wakes up in the hospital bed, but this time Rei's there at his bedside. She tells him to take it easy and leaves.

As Rei leaves, we see Asuka at the door, much to her chagrin. Shinji is gratified to know they both care about him.

Shinji looks at his hand, then observes "It still smells like blood." His hand, or the whole room? And what does this mean? Did he kill his mother?

[phantom-of-the-501st]

TBB Ep 10 Thoughts

Spoilers for TBB Season 2

Today on The Bad Batch, child slavery!

Let's get into it.

The way Wrecker stares at the part that fell off the speeder for a second and then falls back. 🤣

The timing of that cracked me up.

They're gonna try and fit all 4 of them on one speeder???

GONKY IS HOW THEY FIND THE MARAUDER?!

Omega being a smart bean. 🥰

Honestly, the amount of Gonky in this episode makes me so happy!!!

Excuse me, but Mokko is not the metal-handed guy that I wanted to see.

ALL OF THEM BALANCED ON THE SPEEDER HAHAHAHA

"That's our defective power droid"

Fuck yeah it is!

Don't mess with Gonky. The dads will come after you. 😠

Wrecker activated Intimidation Mode ™️

Okay, yeah, cool, we're all just gonna abseil down a chimney, sure.

That seems totally safe. 😐

"Plenty of time". Omega's so one of them omg. 😭 She's grown so much. 🥲

That brief slow-mo when Hunter falls forward. 😍

Than animation this season is so good!!!

Ngl, them all sticking their faces over the chimney stresses me out.

Smooth take-down from Hunter, there!

Mokko is a dick. 😡

I'VE JUST REALISED THAT THIS IS WHAT JENNIFER'S CRYPTIC TWEET WAS

Omega's head poking out from the oversized coat! 🤣🥰

Bitch, you did not just press that button. YOU DID NOT JUST PRESS THAT BUTTON!

Omega giving Benni her ration even though The Batch don't have much food. 😭

Wrecker hanging upside from the ship is one of my new favourite things.

Okay, I understand why Benni did what he did. I'm still pissed though. 😤

All the stuff about kids not being able to just be kids in this galaxy is so sad. 😭

Sorry, did Mokko really expect his "let's make the Batch work in the mines for a decade" plan was gonna work???

Although, he does say something about if they survive that long, so best bet is he was just gonna leave them to die.

Like I said. He's a dick.

ALSO THREATENING TO THROW OMEGA OF THE PLATFORM?! HOW DARE YOU SIR!

He's actually lying to the kids and keeping the ipsium for himself? How surprising (note strong sarcasm).🤨

OMEGA THROWING HERSELF OFF WITH THE DROID BECAUSE SHE KNOWS HUNTER WILL CATCH HER 😭

That scene might be my favourite of the episode. Especially with the altered Bad Batch theme over the top.

Ngl, the fight with Mokko was underwhelming.

The guy literally fell over a railing by himself. 😭

Although he was also a pathetic dickhead so a pathetic end is kind of what he deserves.

WRECKER HUGGING GONKY!!! 🥰

Even though they were all in competition with one another, when it comes down to it, the kids actually do all care about each other. That's sweet.

Wrecker is reunited with Lula! 🥲

TECH AND OMEGA THIS SEASON ARE GIVING ME SO MANY FEELS!!!

Was hoping the Echo and Crosshair convo would carry on this episode but oh well.

Also, we never saw Tech and Wrecker apologise to each other. 🥲

Overall feeling about this episode is that I think it might be one of my least favourites of the season. I didn't dislike it but with how good the others have been, this episode didn't stand out a whole lot to me.

There were specific moments that I absolutely love though! Wholesome Batch moments just hit me right in the feels. 🥲

And Wrecker's "I'm working on it" reminded me of Echo in Season 1. 😭 I still miss that man.

Weirdly, I don't feel like I have much to say about this episode right now. There's some more stuff delving into the idea of kids not being able to just be kids in this galaxy, so I'm happy they're continuing on that narrative. I maybe would've liked to have seen a little bit more from the other miners? I don't know.

Normally when I watch an episode, one or two particular things sticks out to me as something I want to talk about more but I didn't really get that much from this episode. Think I may just have to sit on it for a few days and see what comes to mind.

Still liked the episode, but I definitely think that the first half of this two-parter was much stronger. Very excited to see what Metamorphosis is going to be about though! My hope is to see Echo and Rex again, but that's more wishful thinking than me believing it's actually going to happen. 😅

Edit: This was supposedly a breather episode, so that may explain why it fell a little flat for me. I think I got really hooked up in the more high-stakes episodes and that swayed my judgement on this one. 🤔

[archipithecus]

here is an unorganized collection of thoughts i had about the new dune movie. a lot of them will be about departures from the book, and i haven't read it in several years and it's after midnight, so if i misremember let me know or just ignore it

broad things: very pretty, very loud, very long. i understand that they had to cut things, it's a long book, but they also added a lot of new stuff and i feel like that could've been trimmed a bit. i understand why they added a lot more to chani's character, especially since they have zendaya, and i think a lot but not all of that worked.

very weird choice to keep alia unborn for the whole movie? i don't understand why they did that. maybe they didn't think they had time to properly handle a precocious murder toddler? this section of the book takes place over about three years, so either they really compressed the timeline or jessica just... held that baby in (with bene geserit reverend mother powers)?

they took out everything involving the spacing guild and CHOAM and the emperor's shares, i assume because it was complicated and they thought it would confuse the audience, but it also reduces (removes?) the leverage that paul and the fremen have over the rest of the galaxy.

i know harkonens have to all be deranged murder perverts, but the main three here take that to a dysfunctional level. plus, they weren't just murdering slaves, but also plenty of servants and officers, and i don't think the movie properly explored the implications of that.

they didn't let feyd have his silly poison tricks, and that's a shame. no poison on the wrong dagger, no secret belt needle. i guess they gave him three cannibal girlfriends to make up for it.

the harkonens are very dumb here. in the book, i'm pretty sure it was the baron's plan from the beginning to have rabban terrorize arrakis, and then his smart sexy nephew take over and be the good guy, but here that's a bene gesserit plan, like vlad isn't smart enough to think of that one himself.

the atomics were underexplained, and mayyybbbe audiences wouldn't care about the details of treaty stuff, but i think they could have spared thirty seconds for a line about how they're using them against the rock wall instead of people and why that's important.

saw a lot of lasers, and there should've been an explanation for lasgun-shield interactions, because otherwise pedantic nerds who don't know about dune will be like "why aren't they always using these powerful laser guns".

i really liked the baby worms, and the woman who cared for them, all adorable.

no thufir hawat? i did do a little bit of searching to refresh my thufir memory after i saw the movie, and i saw plenty of headlines about how the director was sad he had to cut his part from the movie, i didn't read any of those articles though.

without the spacing guild stuff, the bene gesserit have no rivals, they already control the emperor and everything else happening, why are they bothering to scheme for power?

i really enjoyed all the fremen dialogue, david and jessie did a great job on that. it was pretty silly to hear timothée chimolet (or /ˈtɪməθi ˈʃɪməli/ as my friend says) sprinkle in his american, especially when speaking to fremen who shouldn't know... imperial? common? basic? does the imperial language have a name? but i thought everyone had good deliveries, and if they made any mistakes i couldn't tell.

i think it was probbaly a good decision to remove the stuff about paul's first kid and also jamis's widow (and kids?). the movie was long enough, and they wanted chani to support and push against paul and to be an active fighter, not just have to have his kid. i do miss the bit with weights that represent jamis's water that now belongs to paul, i thought that was a neat bit of culture stuff.

what's up with those flippy rectangle mines? do they use the same kind of tech as the other levitating things? do the fremen have that kind of manufacturing capacity? they were neat, but they filled me with questions.

they completely dropped the whole thing about not sheathing a crysknife without drawing blood, did that have any of that in the first movie? i don't remember. maybe they did, and they just decided to ignore it because it would be cooler if the fremen could brandish them whenever.

i assumed the process of collecting a body's water was complicated and took a while, it felt a little silly to have the devices that instantly pull clear water from corpses.

the emperor's space ship had weird fire stuff when it was parked above arakeen? don't know what's up with that.

harkonen murder arenas have special monochrome lighting, maybe that's a special application of the effect that makes all the other physics breaking tech work.

the harkonen strategic display tech felt too computery for a post-butlerian jihad world, that should be a mentat job, and they don't deserve visual displays, i don't care about the audience.

the rich people must hate being comfortable, because every single rich people place is bare and austere and hostile. i get that the harkonens are murder perverts, but they should be comfortable decadent murder perverts, and i didn't see a single cushion on that throne for the very old emperor.

the emperor's guard (are those supposed to be sadukar?) all hold their swords like baseball bats, with the elbows out, and that's just asking elbow removal.

maybe the harkonens have such bare and hostile architecture because it's a horrible pain to get blood out of fancy carpets and pillows etc. i pity the janitors on geidi prime.

on the other hand, the firework makers on geidi prime seem to be having a great time, really experimenting with ink tech and keeping to the designated aesthetic.

i understand that for acting and cinema reasons, the film makers want the audience to be able to see the faces of the lead actors, but there were so many times were i thought "paul! chani! you're wasting so much water vapor by panting without your mouthpieces! also put on your headwraps instead of just letting them billow, you're going to get the worst sunburn and also sand everywhere." at least they wore proper PPE while worm riding.

there was that bit where paul was about to say the walk without rhythm line, and the movie basically said "hah you thought we were gonna say that but we didn't, aren't we clever"

i don't think the bit with lady fenring and feyd was in the book? i don't think it added a lot to the movie, and if they really wanted his baby around for franchise reasons, i think they could just do that in a flashback then instead of adding even more runtime.

knife fighting is a terrible stadium sport, you can't see anything happening from those seats.

most of the bladework in the movie was decent and reasonable, i recognized some good parries and cuts, but there were a few moments with flips and spins that made me laugh, those are not a good idea.

[kunaigirl]

Since you're answering questions, could I ask when you came out of the closet as a lesbian? I'm still closeted and I love your blog and I'd like to hear about your experience with the whole deal. If that's okay ofc.

Of course! I don't mind talking about it. Also a quick note before I get into it, please only come out if you're sure it's safe to do so and you're sure you're ready. Being closeted sucks ass, but your personal safety always takes first priority.

That being said, let's get into my coming out process! I started to notice something was different about how I was feeling about relationships vs the people that were around me. I started to really question my sexuality when I was about 13, but I was already having crushes on other girl classmates from the time I was about 10-11, not that I was aware they were crushes at the time because I just assumed that's how EVERYONE felt even platonically. I first came out a year later when I was 14 and in my first year of high school, but got a REALLY crappy response that I'd rather not talk about from the few people I told, so I ran right back in the closet and pulled the whole "never mind LOL just kidding!" Keep in mind this was back in 2009. I also had come out as bisexual instead of gay, because at the time I was grappling with compulsive-heterosexual assumptions, and thought I could force myself to be interested in guys too or that I HAD to be in some way. That didn't work LOL but once again I was only 14 and in 2009 no one talked about anything LGBT related unless it was an insult or a joke. Then I stayed back in the closet until I was 17, and fully came out as gay like I'd always wanted to in the first semester of my senior year of high school, in 2012. I finally accepted that I only liked girls, and I've never looked back since. I still got plenty of horrible reactions, lost a few friends, and became a target for even more bullying, but I was still happier than I was hiding it away. I was out to basically everyone from that point on except for my grandfather, who I didn't come out to at all because he was a pretty closed minded guy when it came to LGBT things most of my life. I was outed to him behind my back when I was away in my junior year of college in 2016. It took him a few months, but he eventually came around and accepted me, and then we even grew closer than ever afterwards! He worked so hard on himself to be more inclusive and understanding and really changed for the better, and I'll always be proud of him for that. I miss him a lot, he passed in November of 2022.

As for staying out socially, I still play it smart. I'll answer honestly if someone asks, but otherwise in certain settings I don't bring it up at all. If I'm in a setting or situation that doesn't feel safe, I lie about it. It sucks, but like I said, safety comes first.

But yeah, I guess that's about it! Stay smart and stay safe out there! You'll be ok.

[kcrabb88]

Fic Poll Excerpt #3

This one is gonna be for QuinObi week, a reunion fic set during OWK. I'm very fond of it so far <3

Sweat has already smeared the cheap pigment he bought to cover up his facial tattoos, so Quinlan dumps half the canteen of water over his head, and damn if it doesn’t feel good.   “Most Jedi get them from training a Padawan,” Quinlan continues, shaking his hair and sending drops flying off his locs. “I know I gave my master a few. But my own Padawan was about as perfect as you could get, so I guess I avoided that. My best friend though? His gave him plenty and I’m pretty sure he found the first one in my fresher mirror. They loved each other anyway. Attached at the hip and all that.”   Best friend. That’s not enough of a word to describe Obi-Wan and him. It’s not wrong, but it doesn’t encompass the everything and the in-between they were. Are? He’ll settle for are. Friends. Lovers when there was time. Understanders of each other better than anyone, even when they fell in love with other people here and there. Ventress. Satine. They were always in love in some weird way that only made sense to them. It was always after the war whispered against rumpled sheets and tangled fingers and sped-up heartbeats, over crackling comms across lightyears where Quinlan could still hear the creak of Obi-Wan's bones and the exhaustion buried deep in his voice until it was a part of him. Sometimes they couldn’t talk. Sometimes he was on a mission for months and communication was forbidden until it was over. Sometimes Obi-Wan wasn’t much more than a saber in hand and the dust and dirt on his boots from the muck of a long campaign. They went from dreamy Padawans with the world stretched out in front of them to masters who only knew the day the minute the second coming next. Somewhere in-between, they were knights with their kids cuddled up together on the sofa while the two of them drank the tea Obi-Wan loved and that Quinlan pretended to like.   After the war.  They never knew what after the war meant.   Tala, dependable, kind, whip-smart Tala, hands him a towel and a protein bar of some kind.  “Best friend huh? Anyone I’ve heard of?”   Quinlan laughs to hide the fact that he might cry. “I’d be surprised if you hadn’t. It was Obi-Wan Kenobi.”  

[zot3-flopped]

Business Harry is so interesting to me: when you look back at teenage Harry, yes he had adoring teenage fans, but he also had the mums, and not necessarily in a creepy way. He was simply a lovely kid, cheeky, flirty, a bit daft sometimes. So when you look at his non-music business, it seems clear to me that the slice of the market he really reaches is those same women, now in their forties. The 1D fans got left behind a few years ago. I don’t think, music-wise, this is calculated: I don’t think there’s a world where Harry becomes for example a male Taylor Swift and harnesses the twenty-somethings’ doleful, cynical view of life. He was always an older soul anyway. I think those musical references, that forty/fifty year olds feel fondness for, are his, too, and always were.

Where it really seems that smart business is happening is with Pleasing. He gets trashed on hate blogs for Pleasing doing things like advertising, manufacturing products and selling them. Normal stuff. I regularly see it talked about as a flop business. The ex-GOOP guy is not coming on board with a flop business: that’s expansion they’re seeing, and not recognising. It’s expensive, and it absolutely is marketed to Harries. Because an important segment of the market that he has the eyes of is older women with money. It’s so obvious to me that his business people understand that! I wobbled a bit with my theory when the last drop (the cartoon characters) was released and then a friend in her fifties spent $320 immediately. They know better than I do, I realise! And it’s not only older women. He’s doing shows where he sees the same faces in the pit twenty times in a row. They’re buying Pleasing too. It’s not necessarily ’nice’ to think of people being sold to, some people see it as exploitation (which it isn’t) but in business there’s always the question ‘where are we leaving money on the table?’ And tbh I admire Pleasing for answering that question.

If you contrast that with Louis’ business venture, he’s just not operating anywhere near that level. He did have the same affection from older women initially but his real personality won out and since those early days he’s become Harry’s portrait in the attic, in a way. He’s chosen to be rude, sludgy, wreathed in smoke. Apart from a few deviants - who are still most interested in the cleaner, cheekier version of him from 12 years ago! - his audience is much younger and they don’t have cash to spend. ALL he had to do was curate his image a bit (as I’m sure Harry the pop star has also done but not such a big job for him) and lose the fake accent, hide the cigs. Not that he should be doing the same as Harry - nobody expects a cosmetics line from Louis - but a clothing and accessories company from even an Oasis cosplayer could have done pretty well! The nostalgia market is strong, Britpop had millions of female fans! As it is he’ll do ok for a bit but he’s lost his compelling edge years ago, his image is a nothingy sort of a mess, he seems to hate his job, which he’s bad at anyway: he’s just not smart. I know there’s an argument for not comparing the two but his so-called fans cannot stop doing it, so screw that. Even if we ignore the musical differences (lol) and just look at outside ventures, Harry is so far ahead of Louis it’s not even up for debate. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk, sorry it’s so long!

👏👏👏👏 Love this! Excellent point about the Goop guy. I'm not super keen on the latest Pleasing drop myself but I know plenty of people who are. My only gripe with Pleasing is that they appear to be pandering to Larries by posting fan pics of blue and green nails with Louis' stoner face on.

[analogwriting]

I love those “if you were a character in…” but I’m 100% I’d be dead in any of those worlds lmao

Heart pirates? I don’t know SHIT about medicine. Sure, my mom is a psychiatrist but it’s not like I’ll give Law prescriptions for anti depressants 😭

Kid pirates? They look like my friend group but Kid would kill me fr he would not allow my ass in that ship no matter how punk I look (which I don’t)…

Honestly my best bet is the strawhat pirates, I could be robin’s apprentice or something because I like archeology :D. This also reminds me of the time I dreamt about getting stuck in the one piece word but I didn’t understand what they were saying because they were speaking in japanese EXCEPT for Sanji who spoke in french too so I was able to communicate (i actually don’t know french in real life idk why in my dream I understood him)

- number 1 kese hater

you're so absolutely valid ongg i have a weird relationship with the ocean. like i love being in it and visiting it (i live in the midwest and have visited the ocean, like, three times) but it's vastness scares the everliving shit out of me. im in love with her but i fear her. being on a boat tho in the middle of it all???? i'd pass away. i get nervous just driving over large rivers on a bridge. i've been on a boat one time and a ferry, like, twice. scared every time lmfao and i can't even begin to tell you how many dreams about the ocean i have had. and not like, drowning or anything. just about how vast and unknown she is. ugh i love her

I only think i'd have a shot with the heart pirates because before i had to drop out of college, i was going to be a forensic pathologist, so i have a lot of science and medical knowledge in my cranium. but it's the submarine that draws the line for me. i would pass away. i would end up with cabin fever and claustrophobia and simply just pass away.

i am a shithead through and through and i'd be clowning on kid at all times. i'd be a nightmare for him. i don't give a shit who you are - i'm CLOWNING on you fr. like you really thought you could take on shanks? dumbass forreal. is it bc he's gotta have redhair superiority? like if you wanna join the red hair pirates just say so...jkjkjk (kid i still love you but NO ONE is safe from my dogging) i be roasting everyone left and right. so honestly, he'd probably HATE me. but i think he secretly just loves arguing.

gimme five minutes, i'll get you lookin punk in no time. im sure i got some patches around here somewhere to make you a vest and i've got PLENTY of eyeliner and hairspray just lemme know what era we going with lmao

i love robin so much. she's so beautiful and smart and i'd kill for her frfr. i think i could survive with the strawhats. they have a level of chaos im used to and luffy reminds me of my little sister.

i meeean more than 1/3 of the french language is the same in english, so understanding sanji makes a lot of sense. the language is also just pretty similar in general in terms of words. (i took it in hs bc i was convinced i was going to move to cambridge or smth with my pathology degree that i never ended up getting lmao)

or maybe sanji was talking to you through your dreams frfr. you guys LINKED IN FORREAL NOW

[silentmassacres]

mon, oct 28

separation, maturity, and secrecy

i'm rambly today.

thinking about how things like this are viewed as an art of sorts. there's art in suffering when everybody wants to be a tortured artist, isn't there?

a part of me feels that it's almost immature. the sentiment of grow up and deal with it resounds within me. but sitting here, with my online vent blog, complaining about how the internet makes misery into this thing to be projected onto an audience is hypocritical. i don't think i want an audience. i don't think so.

—

i have a tendency to look down upon others. it's not a conscious thing. but the thing is, i am, objectively, othered. when you're placed apart from others, there's hardly a neutral option. at least with how you're treated or viewed. you're either above or below others. i'm sick of being below and unfortunately sweet neutrality is out of my grasp.

i can't live another year of forcing myself below others for their satisfaction. if i'm to live in the shadow of difference then i'll at least view myself in a positive light, at least in that instance.

—

i like to view myself as more mature than others. i guess it's right, considering. pretty much every older person in my life would verify. people see it as rude to recognize that; i don't fully see why i shouldn't be allowed to express that, especially if it makes me feel negatively — if you're upset about being perceived as immature, why not grow? i wish i was older, so it would be normal.

it's hard, emotionally. maybe it's trauma or maybe it's just something i grew up with. but i've always been regarded as emotionally mature. and i'm sure every single traumatized kid could say the same thing but do they mean it? have you genuinely been mistaken for twice your age, or was it just a predator saying that to make you feel special?

—

i dislike talking about my experiences with internet predators. i was smart. i knew what game i was playing. i never fell into any of it, not really.

there's plenty of instances i can't remember. maybe one or two that i can remember, but only one of those was i unaware. and so was everybody else involved. can i be blamed?

i see plenty of people talk about. falling for it, i guess. i suppose it's a pro to be smart enough at a young age to not get seriously involved. maybe they knew and didn't care. it seems silly to me, but i understand — desperation will do that to you.

i haven't. actively sought out anybody like that in a long time. my risky sexual behavior was limited to people my age, thank god. not that it helps, i guess, but it's far better than it could've been; i'd rather leave feeling used rather than feeling like a toy for some creep. i'm better than that. i have to be

—

that's part of my issue. things could be much worse. things have been bad, to be fair. but i look at other people and their misfortunes and i know it's worse. i try to avoid victimblaming, obviously, but i do. wonder if it gets to a point. it got to a point with me, where i knew what creeps wanted and i knew how to not get hurt. is it the same for others? did they not know, or did they genuinely not care?

but again, things could be worse. things could be a hell of a lot worse if i didn't know how to. deal with things. i know how to regulate my emotions and reactions, so i don't act out in the way that others might. even when i really fucking want to.

and it's funny, really. the times where i do allow myself to do that — the times in which i'll broadcast an episode or lash out or do anything impulsive, it turns on me. because i've set up this standard. i set the standard for perfection and when i don't meet it, i feel as though i'm met with contempt rather than understanding.

that's probably part of why i'm so withdrawn about my emotions anyways. not even probably, i know it is. i know from a very young age that displaying upset was a threat, and thus i learned to deal with things on my own. nobody was going to fix it for me. i think others may be behind on that thinking

—

sometimes i wonder if it's worth it to improve certain things. do you really want me to open up about every awful thought and feeling, or do you just like the illusion of me being open?

i often find myself feeling hysterical in some sense when i'm like this. my hormones are out of control right now, and thus, so am i. i don't think anybody really grasps that, but that's fine, i guess. again, i don't expect any actual help at this point.

i have to consider whether i should genuinely give up some things, such as my emotional secrecy, or if that's solely for the contentment of others. i'm tired of pleasing others when it drains me. unfortunately, that's all interaction tends to be. (this isn't true. i'm prone to black and white thinking and focusing on specific feelings which are amplified by both that and the hormone issue)

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i really wish i had some sort of professional help. i'm tired of trying to explain my issues to receive zero help at all. i need somebody on a similar level as me to listen and actually do something

i think it's funny if i'm expected to just know what is and isn't required for healing. it feels that way sometimes, like i'm supposed to just fix everything on my own. i'm so tired of living in that