Warning for alcohol use, vomiting, and swearing. Read on AO3.
--
When Scott dreams, he dreams of the sea.
Not a single soul would bat an eye at that. He's a pirate, after all, born and raised on an island. He wouldn't be surprised if one day someone cut him open and seawater poured from his veins instead of blood. The ocean is his home, and he knows that to his core.
What surprises him is that it isn't this sea he dreams of. It isn't this ocean that calls to him, whispering promises of safety and warmth. Instead, he dreams of a different island - if one could even call it that. It's tiny, smaller than any island he's ever seen in his waking life, with nothing more on it than an equally tiny hut. In his dreams, he sits in the shade of his hut with his feet in the water and feels at peace.
Danger is there, somewhere, but on his island he feels safe. His clothes are tattered and coral lines his pockets instead of gold, but he feels content. It's home, and it calls to him, and every time he wakes from that dream he aches with a longing for a place he's never been.
He hates it. He can't get enough of it.
He wonders, leaning against a wall in the shadows of whatever alleyway he'd stumbled into, if he'll dream of it tonight. His head swims with every movement, and he thinks it's just as likely that he'll simply pass out until Cleo finds him and wakes him with a thorough scolding for leaving the tavern without them. You never know what's lurking in the dark, they had admonished him more than once. Rules only went so far, and it wouldn't take much for a dead-drunk Denholm to become a dead Denholm, if the wrong person found him alone.
Sometimes he dreams of Cleo, too. Like the island, they feel like home and safety. It doesn't surprise him, though the pallor of death that clings to them worries him. He wonders if it's an omen. It's why he normally never does leave the tavern without them, fearing for their safety as much as they fear for his. Sometimes he wakes up and has to reassure himself that there isn't a gaping hole in his best friend's ribs.
He wonders if he'll ever find out why they're always dead in his dreams. He hopes he never does.
He dreams of a lot of people, and he wonders who they are. Scar is there, sometimes, with a grin that matches Cleo's, and he wonders why the swindler he's barely spoken to is in his dreams. He dreamed of Scar before he knew him, and it makes him wonder if he'll meet the rest of the strangers someday too. He wonders if he'll ever meet the red woman with the sharp grin and lonely eyes, or the blond man on the burning building. He wonders if he'll ever find out why his heart breaks every time he looks at either of them.
Most of all, he dreams of Martyn.
That surprises him more than anything else, that the man he disdains and who disdains him in return, is ever-present in his dreams of this home that doesn't exist. In his dreams, Martyn is wild and dangerous and beautiful. He's like that in the real world, too, but in his dreams that wild, dangerous, beautiful man looks at Scott with a softness he's never known and holds him with a gentleness that doesn't exist.
He wonders if he'll ever find out why.
"Well! Look at you, crawling in the gutters in the middle of the night. Guess the golden boy has a human side after all."
"Dream of the devil," Scott mutters, getting a perplexed what? from Martyn as the man crouches in front of him. "Go away. I'm just resting a moment, that's all."
He knows he's not fooling anyone. His words are so slurred it's a wonder Martyn can even make out what he's saying, and he leans over to retch up what little bile has collected in the stomach that emptied earlier, but he'll die before admitting weakness to a Kestrel. Especially to this one. Why did it have to be this one that found him?
"You're an idiot," is Martyn's simple response, and Scott scowls at him. "Up you get."
"What? Wait - " Martyn tucks himself against Scott, one arm around his waist and the other pulling Scott's arm across his shoulders as he hoists him to his feet. "I told you, I'm fine! Just gonna wait here for Cleo."
"I mean, if you want me to leave you passed out in a heap for everyone to see what a mess you are come morning, I can do that," says Martyn, pulling him down the road. "I doubt Cleo's waking up anytime soon. Maybe I should leave you here. A little humble pie might do your prissy ass some good."
"You talk too much," grumbles Scott, and after a moment adds, "Now I want pie. Fuck you."
Martyn laughs. "Maybe when you're sober. Ow! Bite me again and I will leave you in the road, you little shit."
His thoughts are still too murky to come up with a witty retort, so Scott allows himself to be helped home by the man who hates him and feels like home. He can feel himself teetering on the edge of passing out, and knows he won't be dreaming tonight.
Shame. Martyn's gaze is soft and his hands gentle as he lowers Scott into bed, and Scott wonders if the man loves in the same way he does in his dreams.
"Stay."
Martyn looks surprised when Scott catches his wrist. "Geez, how much did you drink? Just because we look the other way when you sneak out of Sausage's room in the morning doesn't mean your mates will do the same for me sneaking out of yours. And you hate me, remember?"
"You hated me first." Scott's hold on Martyn slips away along with his hold on consciousness. "Don't hate you," is the last thing he mumbles, and he wonders if Martyn hears it.
He doesn't dream of the sea, not tonight. He dreams of Martyn saying I don't hate you either. He dreams of a hand in his hair and lips on his forehead, and wonders about the way a whispered I miss you sounds so sad.
He wonders if he'll ever find out why.
}{ Part Two }{
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14, 21, 26, 27, 28 for Taking Flight? (Don't worry about spoilers!)
Thank you so much!!! <3
Even More Fic Writer Asks
14. Talk about the fic’s opening scene & how you approached it
The fic's opening scene has Kendra (the canon protagonist of the books) looking through a journal on magical creatures and stumbling over the remarkably sparse entry on changelings. She asks Vanessa (another canon character) about it, and Vanessa responded with her personal, very biased depiction of changelings. Then, of course, her story of being injured and betrayed is offset by the next scene, which shows Kestrel silently grieving a catatonic Warren outside his cabin.
There are two reasons I decided to go about the scene that way. For one thing, changelings to my knowledge are not in the original books, so I needed to introduce my version of the lore to the story in a way that's easy for the reader to digest (Kendra reading the journal). And for another thing, I wanted to start the readers off with the canon protagonist Kendra, so that the fic would feel more like one of the original books and would be easier for fans of the books to just sink right into. That way, by the time we're introduced to Kestrel in the following scene, we have both the setup for their character and the way they subvert those expectations.
21. Did the fic end up shorter or longer than you had planned?
It's still an ongoing fic and I expect it will be very long, but it's already longer than I originally planned. I have two flashback compilation chapters that are 12k words each, plus the whole vault chapter is another 10k words or so. And that's among other long, rich chapters. I've fallen into this fic so much more than I originally intended, and it's longer than I expected just because of how many scenes have just bloomed out from my original idea.
26. Share your favorite detail
I wanted to save this for when you got to it in the story, but... the most recent chapter has a bit of detail into Chimeric as a language and the structure of it, and I was incredibly proud of this whole section here:
There was no word for love in Chimeric. Languages reflected their circumstance, after all. Just as there were over four hundred words for snow in Scots, or no word for “please” in Danish or Icelandic, or nearly a thousand distinct terms related to construction in the language of the brownies, the changeling language was devoid of all terms related to connection. The closest word for “mother” directly translated as “host”, and was used for all members of a changeling’s surrogate family. The closest thing to “friend” was a loose translation of “ally”, and even that term had a derogatory sort of connotation - many changelings viewed even a temporary alliance as incredibly distasteful, and the word was akin to calling a police officer a pig.
Obviously, this had caused a bit of trouble when Warren first expressed the desire to learn Chimeric. Kestrel was more than happy to teach him, but his innate humanity made things awfully difficult at first. His first requests were of introducing himself, asking for and offering help, and of course, expressing his feelings. Changelings… didn’t do that.
It had stumped Kestrel at first - how did you teach someone terms that didn’t exist? - and even an explanation of how the language functioned wasn’t quite enough to suffice.
“How do you learn the language if you can’t ask questions?” he asked, “Or if you don’t have someone to teach you?”
“It’s a magical language,” Kestrel had replied, “It sort of… trickles in at the same time we’re learning whatever language our surrogates decide to teach us. You know all the stories of young children speaking in tongues?”
“But what if you’re translating what someone else says?” Warren had persisted, “What if you’re telling another changeling about how someone told you that they loved you? Even if you weren’t saying it yourself, you’d have to recount the story, wouldn’t you?”
“Switch to a human language,” he’d suggested, "Or there are… workarounds. There is a word for affection, I guess, but it’s about as romantic as, like… ‘heart palpitations’.”
“I don’t know, I think that could still be romantic…”
That comment had brought on a bit of… distraction, for lack of a better term, and the conversation had trickled away. Kestrel hadn’t forgotten it, though, and by the time Warren approached him for another lesson, he’d come up with a few workarounds of his own.
Many of them were repurposed words. While Chimeric was lacking in words for connection, it was flooded with terms for the natural world. So the word for a domesticated dog became the word for friendship, because dogs were the most unfathomably social animals Kestrel could think of. The word for a mushroom’s mycelium, a branching web of roots that couldn’t be seen from the surface, became the word for family. Atmospheric static became affection, for that prickling-electric feeling he got whenever Warren smiled at him in just that right way. A calico cat became a sister, a tabby a brother, a tortoiseshell a mother and a tomcat a father.
An offer of help was borrowed from the word describing a meerkat’s warning-call to its mob, and a request for help was the high-pitched chirp of a baby alligator. Infants were sprouts newly poking through the earth, and children were the saplings that stretched upwards in the months that followed. Marriage was a swan, a lifelong mate. After much consideration, Kestrel had added terms to distinguish adoptive families from blood relatives: an adoptive relative was a honeyguide, a blood relative a stork.
And the word for love was borrowed from one of the many words for autumn. It was the word for the seasons changing, the leaves as they first began to shed their summer colors. It was the end of the green and the beginning of the gold.
It was the color of Warren’s eyes.
After all, how could the word for love be anything other than the purest love he’d ever known?
27. Share a piece of lore you made up for the story
I came up with a TON of changeling lore for this story, and I have a whole chapter that outlines it in detail (called Kestrel's Letter, it's all about Kestrel sharing their story with Kendra after the vault). I won't go through all that here, I think it's better just to read the chapter in full, but I'm so proud of all of the worldbuilding and lore I came up with for that section!
28. Write a new summary for the fic, but badly
Yet another excuse for the author to dive back into his childhood mythology and cryptidology obsessions, this time with allegories for queer identity and autism tossed into the mix. Any concerns about the validity of these allegories can likely be resolved by reading the fic itself - you think a cishet neurotypical could write something like this?
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okay time for a birb post!
Today's bird is the Merlin. Merlins are small falcons, between the size of a kestrel and a Peregrine. Merlins are a very widespread raptor species, with populations on every continent except Oceania and Antarctica. Like most other falcons, their diet primarily consists of other avian species.
Merlins are perhaps best known for their usage in falconry, becoming popular falconry birds in medieval Europe. In this time period, what bird you could possess for hunting was indicative of your social status. Generally, the larger the falcon, the higher the status, gyrfalcons, which are the largest falcon species, were reserved for royalty. The smallest of falcons, the kestrels, were for the lowest of social classes. Though merlins are small, they weren't necessarily for the peasantry, they were known as a lady's bird, Mary Queen of Scots was an avid falconer and through her imprisonment continued to fly her merlin. In falconry there are also different names for various birds, with kestrels known as sparrow hawks, merlins known as pigeon hawks, and Peregrines known as duck hawks, in order of the size of their prey, or quarry.
Merlins have all the signature signs of a falcon, with their malar stripes to protect their eyes from glare and the tubercle in their nares (nostrils). The tubercle is a bone baffle in the nostrils that most falcon species have to allow breathing at high velocity dives, though they do not need it in the way a Peregrine does, as merlins only go about 30 miles per hour while a Peregrine has diving speeds of up to 240 miles per hour.
If you have any questions about merlins, falcons, or any other birds of prey, I'm happy to answer to the best of my ability!
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rank all ur useless kids from least to most socially competent
You sent another ask that began with “addendum” but I wanna do this one first, trust me on this one (from here)
DND
Wilver (a good good business boy who likes figuring out what makes people tick)
Taber (She’s Learning and she’s doing really well)
Shuvermhel (has excellent people skills at home but has to adapt them now that he’s not in the Underdark anymore)
Niamh (a naturally charming cleric who initiates conversations with approximately three people a week, but who loves to talk when approached)
Fyf (they know how to ask for the things they want and get people to react in certain ways, it’s just that they don’t always care to apply this knowledge)
Erisonne (does not care to know anything about social interaction)
HAZARD
Kestrel (gets along great with people and is a natural leader, knows she strikes everyone as Weird, loves it)
Joelle (very direct and stubborn but rich in Farm Girl Charm)
Esteban (loves to talk with people, the problem is that he’s been in medicine so long his grip on what’s normal and what’s only normal to fellow doctors is very loose)
Ingrid (she gets along great with people, but she loves talking about her research work and like Esteban she doesn’t always remember that her line of work is considered Bizarre at best)
Kiyotaka (Lone Wolf™ who will one day come out of his shell if Esteban has anything to say about it)
And if I had to rank all of these kids compared to each other (as your phrasing implies) it would look something like
Wilver
Kestrel
Joelle
Taber
Shuvermhel
Niamh
Esteban
Ingrid
Fyf
Kiyotaka
Erisonne
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♪ Jac and Kian sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! ♫
My dad was so happy about that ending you have no idea lmao. I swear he ships Naydani more than I do!
Honestly though I loved it too. The “passionate argument turns into a kiss which then (implicitly) turns into something more” trope is one of my FAVOURITES. The Jac/Kian tonight was all around A+ content.
OK, now let’s rewind to the rest of the ep:
CAMERON. DUNN. IS. A. FUCKING. DICK. Literally the only satisfying ending in all this is for him to go to jail. He’d better. Don’t let him get off scot-free like John did, Holby.
Jaye Jacobs is an amazing actress. Give her an award already. On that note - did anyone else feel Donna didn’t get enough focus tonight or was that just me?
Dom talking about his dating options was hilarious.
Jason acted like a person for an entire episode AND Henrik was super autistic (first not realising it might be seen as inappropriate to bring Essie the Surviving Cancer book, then infodumping to her to take her mind off things...) with no asshole-geniusness in sight. The autistics were winning tonight.
Max and Guy was kinda boring, but it was pretty cool to see the Alan Locke story revisited. I think I’ve said before, the initial ep with him was one of the first I watched.
The Kestrel bloke had HUGE Tristan Wood vibes. Someone on Twitter pointed this out so I know I’m not the only one to notice, either. I hate him already.
Ric is already tired of Max/Guy. Me too, Ric. Me too. His involvement in this storyline is the one part I care about.
Essie’s storyline continues to be very well-done and one of the 2 biggest draws of the show right now IMO, the other being Kian and Jac.
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IC 24
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11 Question Tag
Thank you to @just-your-average-bookworm for thinking of me <3
1. Favourite childhood book?
I was so obsessed with Narnia. Unfortunately my own wardrobe was broken and never let me in?? WHAT IS THIS LIFE.
2. Bookish world you’d want to live in?
NARNIA. Or please let me live at Camp Half Blood and be an amazing demigod because I could handle that. OR SHADOWHUNTER WORLDS. I could sass some demons to death.
3. If you could hang out with one fictional character for one day, who would it be?
I want to hang out with the Raven Boys and Blue. <3
4. Top 3 books you’re looking forward to reading?
All the Crooked Saints by Maggie Stiefvater (!!!!!)
A Conjuring of Light by VE Schwab (!!!!!!)
The Thorn of Emberlain by Scot Lynch (!!!!!!!!)
5. A book you regret reading?
Currently? Optimists Die First because someone is having a tantrum in the comments section of my review and I’M GETTING REAL TIRED OF TRYING TO EXPLAIN THE NOTION THAT PEOPLE CAN HAVE DIFFERENT OPINIONS OF THE SAME BOOK AND NEITHER BE WRONG. But my usual answer to this is 13 Reasons Why which is a really harmful book that says that other people are in charge of your mental health and bullying is okay as long as you’re a victim of mental illness. No. No. NOooooooOOOOOooooo.
6. If you could make one thing (magic, object, etc. but not person) from a book appear in reality, what would it be?
Ronan Lynch. HEY HE’S SORT OF A MAGICAL CREATURE NOT JUST A PERSON. hahahaha. Okay, hush, I’ll be serious.
Hermione’s endless handbag. It would make library trips so much easier.
I also want to eat November Cakes from The Scorpio Races.
7. What’s your OTP?
Dude, SHALL WE HAVE A LIST.
Ronan/Adam
AIDAN/Kady
Sevro/Darrow
Isabelle/Simon
Arin/Kestrel
Peeta/Katniss
Blue/Gansey
Quentin/Maggie
Raisa/Han
Dylan/Lydia
Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth
Simon/Baz
Simon/Blue
Sean/Puck
8. Top 3 authors?
Maggie Stiefvater
VE Schwab
Scott Lynch
9. Favourite book adaptation?
Netflix’s A Series of Unfortunate Events!! It was so ridiculously close to the book it was amazing!!
10. Bookish guilty pleasure?
I have no “guilty” pleasures. All reading is good reading.
11. Do you consider yourself a fast reader?
Yes! Unless it’s epic fantasy...which then I am cousin to a tortoise in peanut butter. But generally a book will only take me a few hours and I try to read 20 books per month.
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Hello! A hecking long time late but here’s a drawing I did for Trans Awareness Month feat. some trans OC’s (from left to right: Erik Thompson, Joelle Moore, Hye-mi Soon, Steward Pham, Corra Anima, Lauren Nashi, Kestrel Scot) and a very colourful little banner. I always try and do drawings like these for awareness months because usually they mean a lot to me, it’s just been so wild with school and work that it took me forever to just sit down and draw. BUT I couldn’t just miss trans awareness, so I made it! (Another one coming, this one a little more...personal, to say the least.)
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How many kids you wanna talk about? Cause I wanna know ten facts™ about: Fyf, Yvette, Idina (WG ver.), and personal fav Kestrel?
Man, I’d happily talk about all of my kids!! I’ll format this properly when I’m not on my phone, but for not have some facts! (from here)
FYF BROSCA
Really good at sewing clothes
Best friend is a lesbian bunny with a halberd, other best friend is a gay raccoon with a crossbow
Will adopt any child within 100 feet who knows was sarcasm is
Has a twin sister! Her name is Keziah and most people respond to this knowledge with “Oh gods, there’s two of them”
Loves gold jewelry while not being a fan of silver, and especially loves jewelry with brightly-coloured gems
A Bit of a pyromaniac, but oddly enough their own innate chaos allows them to control fire much better than one would expect
When I left the campaign, they had five daggers, two short swords, and a hidden blade on their person
Has a kink in their tail, either from someone stepping on it or someone closing a door on it
Not a virgin
Actually pretty damn smart and tactical-minded, but enjoys chaos way too much to rely on such ways of thinking
YVETTE SHEPARD
Had a younger brother named Xavier and an older sister named Zinnia on Mindoir
Was something of a minor celebrity in human communities for a year following the Mindoir attack
Lived on the Citadel after Mindoir and was Fucking Depressed the whole time, but she still considers that place to be about the only home she has left
Had a crush on Ashley in ME1 and absolutely no clue what to do about it
Also had a crush on Tali but she shut that down before she could even think of doing anything about it
Aside from Thane, feels most comfortable around Anderson, Joker, Cortez, and Samara. She clearly gravitates toward Old Soldier types
Can run at a dead sprint for over 100 yards with her armour on and her guns strapped to her hips. Or at least could before she got beat to shit by the Crucible breaking apart. Now her scooter goes about that fast and can go for even longer
She and Joker made an agreement at some point between ME1 and ME2 where if and when they got to retire, if neither of them found someone willing to “put up with our insufferable bullshit”, they’d get married. Whether or not they actually do so depends on the AU, but no matter what they’re ride or die
Really appreciated Vega’s presence on the Normandy as everything was going to shit. The two of them clicked really well, and they even dance to old Earth songs sometimes, mostly Andy Grammer’s “Honey, I’m Good”
Falling for Thane scared the living shit out of her at first, entirely because of what this meant about her perception of herself. As it turns out, the two of them had a very similar perspective on their own personhood, which didn’t leave much room for romance. Or so they thought
IDINA DOC
The butchest Idina of them all, and even then it’s mostly a very soft butch. Short hair, deep desire to provide for and protect her wife, that kind of thing
Has brown eyes!! I always forget that!!
The only time her dagger has ever been used against a living person was to kill her fiancée, in order to help her gain a spell back that didn’t end up being useful. That guilt followed Idina forevermore
I cannot believe she was only 20 when she died. How did I let this happen
After much consideration I’ve realized that she doesn’t hate footwear, she just prefers the feeling of grass beneath her feet. However, when it’s wet or cold or dangerous out, she’s sensible and wears boots. Her feet are still covered in hard skin though
At one point I thought she might have a crush on a male character in Wildgard, but she tapped me on the back, pointed to Lila, and sweetly informed me that she’s a whole-ass lesbian
She probably knew enough Elvish to be able to sing along to her favourite songs in Sarea’s repertoire
Just wanted to find someplace to call home. She loved travelling a lot but she really and truly wanted to put an anchor down somewhere
100% had a beautiful wedding with Lila in the afterlife. Lila had giant fuckoff antlers and the train of Idina’s dress started at her hips and trailed behind her forever. It was very, very sweet and they’re very happy
She and her father cried when they were reunited in the afterlife, and neither of them had an easy time processing how their loved one was killed. But they love each other dearly, even after all this time
KESTREL SCOT
A firm believer in the phrase “Confidence is key”. Does she know what she’s doing? About 50% of the time maybe. Does she look like she knows what she’s doing? Always
If she doesn’t look like she knows what she’s doing, something has gone extremely wrong, or she’s trying to flirt
Thought she liked girls, then realized she was girls, then realized she could do both and has never looked back
That said, is perfectly capable of liking guys. She just hasn’t found many guys she likes
Apparently once had a dream so awkward that she refused outright to tell anyone what happened. Esteban knows the most, and therefore knows that it somehow involved Thinn and hogtying. He wisely did not ask for further information
Hates minimalism with a passion, leaves clothes all around her room in protest
Exactly three people have called her Kess before, the most recent being Joelle. Joelle is a lot less insufferable than the other two who have called her by that name, which says something about the people Kestrel used to know
While she doesn’t do it as quickly or as efficiently as most of the other Trackers, she still loves cleaning and maintaining her weapons. It’s therapeutic to spend time with them like that
Honestly wouldn’t mind firing a longbow at some point, but has either never done so or has only done it so long ago that she doesn’t remember how to do it
Her favourite look is ripped-up tights under anything else. Shorts, equally-ripped jeans, an actually nice cocktail dress. She loves it
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