#kav thinks

[warcoaxed]

do you guys ever think about how the butcher army guillotine was designed by cctechno & ccphilza. like the in lore implications of this always stay in my head. i like to think it was originally designed in the smp earth era for military use. do you think philza saw that guillotine from his house and felt his heart sink because they built it to ensure that there would be no survivors. do you think about how morbid it is to await your execution in a machine you designed and originally constructed with your own two hands?

[cerealmonster15]

haikaveh... save me haikaveh...

i KNOW it's been talked about to death but. the haikaveh research project. it literally haunts my mind. i cannot get over the implications. alhaitham going through his school life as someone that most people dont even really know about because he keeps to himself and doesn't socialize, with kaveh being the one exception to that, finding his way into his life as his Best Friend, and then leading to alhaithams one and only time he participated in a research topic. his bio says he only ever did ONE joint project!!! one!!! the one with kaveh his best friend and i think also his only friend at the time!!!! and then it ended in not only the project falling apart but also alhaithams only friendship. kavehs best friendship. they were each others closest person. they had no family around - alhaithams parents having died when he was young and his grandmother dying before he joined the akademiya, and kaveh's dad dying when he was young and his mom having moved to fontaine. like even if you dont look at it through a romantic lens it's still undeniable how important they were [and are] to each other..........

i'm getting off track but my point is very specifically for alhaitham, the one time he got close to someone, made a friend, even agreed to join one(1) group project ever, it ended in disaster. it led him into a fight so bad that his one and only friend said he regretted that friendship!!!! it was so bad alhaitham left the project and he and kaveh didnt speak for ages until they just happened to run into each other again at the tavern!!!!! like obviously it has to be incredibly awful for both of them but i just think how this probably had alhaitham in the cynical mindset that friendships and collaborations like that might just never work out for him because the one time he let someone into his life, it blew up on him and he was all alone again. even though alhaitham never seems to care much if people dont like him, that clearly cant still apply to someone he was exceptionally close to. like if he didnt care he woudlnt have been the one to take his name off the project and mutually not speak to kaveh...... kavehs words are the ones that hit the most significantly to alhaitham.......... kaveh is said/implied to have had at least some other friends while at school / people knew who he was, but not so much alhaitham. people didnt know him and the ones that did just knew he didnt socialize/he was not easy to get along with. he only had kaveh and then, for a while, he lost him too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[dutybcrne]

I saw somewhere that the characters la Mue.rte and x|balba of B00k of L|fe only have ONE trace of each other’s colors near/on their eyes to symbolize how they only have eyes for each other and now I am having THINKINGS

[stellewriites]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. (If you feel like it, no pressure.) Spread the self-love ❤️

i love this,, thanks jd!! but it’s taken me FARRRR too long to actually answer it :/

in no particular order i give you my five fave fics ive written 🤠 god this was tricky i’ve written more than i’d realised,,,

1. choices made in anger - starting off with my fave cod fic that i’ve done so far and my first go at x reader fic

2. can i steal a kiss or two? - not my first toe-dip into dubcon/noncon and like the 100th time ive done a/b/o lmao BUT according to the comments it’s my most controversial 🥴 but one im proud of all the same. was my first long fic in a while so it felt like a real achievement for a few reasons to me

3. the way your makeup stains my pillowcase - my fave wlw ive written (by a short margin but it just beat out ill be so sweet you’ll be dizzy from it bc of my headcanon of eliza dushku as eddie)

4. tossed around by fate - written in a fever dream after watching justified thrice over,, i actually got mistaken for being from kentucky bc i quoted so many details (thank u autism) which made me smile, only thing i’d change is meshing the alt pov sequel into the main fic for better flow

5. playing for keeps - i don’t write for witcher anymore but god i remember this being so fun while i was working on it and i still love the idea of it (fuck yeah, jumanji!)

[huntingrays]

if i had a nickel for every time my favorite character was a second son who loves the arts/literature, just wants an easy life, and who’s best friend had some connection to evil spirits, i’d have two nickels

[starantulas]

thinking abt prom w megumi… cute pics and him holding my bag/heels waiting for me outside of the giant mosh pit when mo bamba comes on… him joining me on the floor for low (it’s his guilty pleasure but he’ll never admit it).. waffle house after with him nobara and yuji… spending the night at his place wearing his clothes bc i forgot to pack an overnight bag and him taking my makeup off for me bc he finds it satisfying.. falling asleep on the couch watching one piece

[rykno-gs]

Soup /gs

With Sumeru came Al/ha/itham and with him came K/ave/h

I havent written in awhile so here goes (3.7k words)

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(the parts from Kaveh’s pov was very choppy since i wanted to try to make it seem like he was disorientated)

also kaveh’s snezes were mostly in smallcaps because hes tired

-

Alhaitham was already pissed the moment he came home. Dishes stacked up taller than him, clothes strewn all around the living room, blueprints scattered across the floor, the culprit nowhere in sight.

Speaking of which, where was his annoying roommate? It wasn’t like Kaveh to leave the house this early into the day since all he did was go out and drink, with Alhaitham’s money, no less, and the bar did not open until night.

Perhaps Kaveh had actually found himself some work to do. Alhaitham felt himself scoff at that thought. The day that Kaveh really went out and got a job would be the day that Alhaitham finally plucked up the courage to confessed to him — never; impossible.

It was how it was, how it will always be. Kaveh would always do something to mess with Alhaitham, they’d argue, Kaveh would go and drink for hours, but he would always come home. Even if Alhaitham had threatened to kick him out moments before.

He blames it on his horrible taste in men that makes his heart beat so fast whenever Kaveh is around him, blames it on the fact Kaveh shines so bright; “Light of the Kshahrewar”. 

He blames it on the fact he had let Kaveh stay at his house at all. But he wanted it, wanted that proximity for reasons he could not understand. It frustrated him, these feelings which he couldn’t quite put a name to.

Why he felt so strongly for Kaveh escapes him.

But back to the matter he had on hand, his roommate would never learn to pick up after himself if Alhaitham just did his chores for him. It was still early, he could wait all day for Kaveh’s return.

And that’s just what he did, propping a leg up onto the coffee table as he read a good book.

-

Kaveh just wanted to lie down.  

His head had been hurting for a few days, and his throat had started to feel off since last night after his arguing session with the most infuriating Scribe in the whole of Sumeru, who also happened to be his roommate.

He had left the house in the morning after adding a plate to the tall pile of dishes at the sink, partly to piss Alhaitham off, but also partly because he wanted to head to the pharmacy as soon as possible to get something for his head.

Trust Alhaitham to be the only person he knows who does not have a stockpile of medicine at home on standby.

But they could argue more about that later, for there was a bigger problem right in front of him. 

“...”

“Out of Stock? You’ve got to be kidding me..”

The shop assistant looked at him apologetically, having sold the last bottle to the customer before Kaveh. And so there he was, back onto the streets with nothing left to do. Kaveh remembers feeling the same way until Alhaitham took him in.

Alhaitham.. Kaveh didn’t even know where to begin when it came to him. Everything the man said made sense, but yet it also did not. Sure, patterned curtains made no difference when it came to fulfilling their purpose, but plain ones were just so.. unartistic. It had taken a week of arguing for Alhaitham to finally allow Kaveh to install some new ones in his own room. 

Just thinking about the whole ordeal made Kaveh’s head pound a little harder. While he would have opted to head to the doctor, the bill would have exceeded his budget. And he would rather die than let Alhaitham know he wasn’t feeling well when he settled the payment.

Then, a thought struck him: a friend did say that the nearby Liyue Harbor had a pharmacy that sold many different types of medicine. Not like he had much of a choice at that moment, though. Right, it was just a quick walk over and back, simple enough.

And simple it was, until it started to drizzle, the weather as unpredictable as Alhaitham during this part of the year.

Ah.. there he goes again, thinking of that stupid Scribe every second of the day. Truly, even Kaveh sometimes did not understand what went on in that brilliant mind of his and his. But still, he longed to hurry home, to be near the damned person that tormented him with every step he took.

Dark clouds blanketed the sky, making it appear darker than it should, even this late into the night. Unconsciously, Kaveh reached up to rub his nose a little, feeling a light breeze drift pass him.

“Heh- Nn..hHaH’ Hih-hAtchuu’! snf.. hAH’tchH!!” 

He was shivering now, stepping carefully towards his front door. The half-a-day walk had left him more exhausted than Kaveh would ever admit. Alhaitham’s shoes were already there, not surprising since it was already way past dinner time. What was surprising though, was the light that still streamed out off the window. 

Subconsciously, Kaveh frowns. It was late, judging by how far the moon had risen into the sky. He hoped Alhaitham wasn’t once again pulling an all-nighter. Those tended to leave him tired and irritable for the next few days despite how much he denied it. While Kaveh would definitely not want to deal with a tired-tham, he also wanted his junior to look after himself. 

How stupid of him, he supposes, since Alhaitham could care less about the people around him, much less himself. And yet Kaveh still kept running back to him everyday, sleeping in the same house with but a wall between them.

With a sigh he turns his key with a slight sniffle, the small lion keychain wet from the rain.

-

Alhaitham hears the lock, and he almost springs up to answer it. It was way too late for Kaveh to just come waltzing through the door as if nothing had happened. But instead he chose to remain as unbothered as possible, staring blankly at his book.

The dishes would not clean themselves, Kaveh would have to do them. Yes, that was the true reason why he had stayed up this late, to watch Kaveh wash plates, that was all, nothing more.

The door opened with a creak, but the head of golden hair did not pop out to start a shouting match.

Behind the short hallway between the door and the living room, Kaveh hung up his coat and kicked off his shoes, not caring where they landed. Now that he as home, the warmth and dryness of it all made all his pent up exhaustion catch up to him. 

Kaveh sniffled, softly, bracing a hand onto the wall as his head started to spin. When was the last time he ate? Lunch? He ate a small bread for lunch. Dinner? He spent most of the day traveling to Liyue and back didn’t he.. Maybe there was something in the fridge he could-

“Hitc’Hh!! hH.. eH’ Hih- tchiw!! hAtcH’ngXt!! ssnf-!” 

Quickly, Kaveh pinched those away, afraid that Alhaitham would be alerted by his arrival home. He would hate to be seen in this state. However, as if on cue, Kaveh heard the sound of a book being slammed shut.

“Kaveh.” 

The voice sounded impatient. Had he done something wrong? He couldn’t remember. Alhaitham sounded more angry than usual. What was it? Think brain, think!!

“Kaveh. I thought I told you to wash the d-”

Alhaitham rounded the corner, arms crossed, but stopped when he saw the small frame clinging onto the coat rack. Kaveh looked worse than when Alhaitham had picked him off the streets. The Kaveh he was looking at now was pale, hair and clothes soaked through and stuck to his skin. Had Kaveh always looked this frail? 

And for once, Alhaitham froze, not sure what to do. To reach out or to observe? Which would Kaveh want him to do, which would he be okay with him doing? His fists clenched in uncertainty. 

Maybe he should-

“What? D- Did you.. snff! say something..?” Kaveh struggled to raise his head, the ceiling lights looking brighter than ever that they shone straight into his skull. He just wanted to lie down, badly.

Alhaitham felt his insides tighten as Kaveh picked himself up. Suddenly, all thoughts about the dishes vanished from his mind. “It’s.. nothing..”

“O-oh.. alright, I’ll go s-shH! shower then..” Kaveh mumbled weakly. Talking hurt more than it should, and it took all his strength to stumble towards his room without falling all over the carpet.

Alhaitham watched as Kaveh’s shadow disppeared into the room. The door was swung shut but not closed, and he caught a glimpse of Kaveh gripping the side of his desk to balance himself. Drunk? Was he drunk? It wasn’t uncommon for Kaveh to come home like this, an absolute mess, clumsy on his feet.

“Hih’hAtchh!! hAH’ngXXt!! hH.. h’ snff!! hiT’Dchw!!

“hiH’tcHhuu!! snf! nh..”

But something was different, wasn’t it?

Alhaitham stared at the small crack in the door, at Kaveh, who removed a small cylinder from his pocket. He watches as Kaveh shakes it, removing two pills. Medicine? So Kaveh hasn’t been feeling well. But how long has it been? Days? Weeks? Why didn’t he say anything about it?

He remembers back when Kaveh just got off the streets, remembers when Kaveh came down with a fever on that same day, remembers how Kaveh had struggled for his life to swallow even the tiniest bit of the solid medicine that Alhaitham had to crush it down for him.

So Kaveh was feeling that bad that it pushed him to take not one but two? How had he not noticed? In his defense, Kaveh had been acting as usual for the past week. Their arguments flowed as usual, as did Kaveh’s irresponsibility with cleaning up after himself.

Lost in his thoughts, Alhaitham heard Kaveh panting softly. He imagined how Kaveh would be behind the door, a palm pressed against his throat, forcing himself to pretend that there was nothing but water in his mouth, just water, just swallow.

He heard Kaveh choke a little, and was overcome by the want to be by his side, rubbing between Kaveh’s shoulders to tell him that everything was going to be alright and that he was there. But Alhaitham couldn’t move, so he watched silently.

-

Kaveh’s eyes were watering. It was one thing to take the medicine, but it was another to take it quietly. After muffling a few coughs into his elbow, he shoved the bottle to the far end of his table, behind the stack of canvas, just in case.

He reached for a piece of tissue, holding it against his nose as he walked to the bathroom. He needed to bathe and sleep off this cold, for he was sure that Alhaitham would question him about last night in the morning. Kaveh liked moments like those, where his roommate would ask about him, making it seem like he cared.

Kaveh liked to pretend that he did.

“hiH’hAtchh!! hH-Hh.. ah’H.. ah..” he sighed, rubbing the tissue a little harder. “Hah’nnh.. snff- hH’! ugnn..” He needed to sneeze, the bathroom tiles felt cold to his feet, his clothes were suddenly too tight. He had to get them off, but they were wet and clung to him. 

His train of thought was messy; the water was warm on his back. Kaveh hunched over in the shower, arms pressed against the wall in front of him, helping him stand up straight.

He gasped, desperate.

“hiH’IHh- hHH!! Snnff.. hH’ hAH-zZchww!! hH’Tchh!! hhH-aH’dtcHhh!!” The mist from his nose mixed with the vapour from the water flowing down his back. He shivered; not hot enough. He switched it off.

Back in his room, Kaveh toweled himself down shakily. How long would it take for the medicine to kick in? How long has it been? Was it morning already? Has Alhaitham left for work? Was he once again all alone in this house? His nose was running again, Kaveh noticed but didn’t care. He pressed a sleeve of his pajamas against his face, tunneling under the blankets.

Still not warm enough..

-

The walls of his house were thin, Alhaitham knew, and he heard everything that came from Kaveh’s room despite moving to the kitchen. He had tried to busy himself with the dishes (the responsibility being entrusted now to him), but that didn’t stop the thoughts from creeping up on him.

Kaveh is sick. 

His hands stopped moving, fingers squeezing the soapy sponge. That idiot. Switching off the tap, Alhaitham moved to the other counter, prying open the drawers for ingredients to make soup. He doesn’t know if Kaveh had eaten already or not, he also doesn’t know if Kaveh would even accept it, but it put his mind at ease.

Two clicks from the stove later, the soup was starting to simmer. Alhaitham carefully placed the lid on top, allowing a small gap for the steam to rise. It would be done in a couple of hours. In the meantime, he would pack up the mess that Kaveh left the living room in.

He started with the clothes, the same white shirt that he wore everywhere. The collar line was far too low and exposing in Alhaitham’s opinion, but he wouldn’t say that he hates it, being able to see Kaveh’s chest. The only problem was that everyone else could as well. He picked it up, moving on to the red cape that lay draped over the couch. The first time he touched it, Alhaitham remembered being in shock at how soft it was despite its sturdy appearance. 

It’s iconic red color together with it’s pattern and broad tassels made the cape look so much more than just a item of clothing. Maybe that was why Kaveh was so proud to wear it; he loved to steal the spotlight, whether intentionally or not.

He folded them, and moved on to the floor.

“Haitham!! What do you think of these?” 

Alhaitham could almost hear Kaveh’s voice as he crouched down to pick up the blueprints. “It’s a rough sketch of what I think a school building should look like!” Alhaitham remembers what had sparked that project. The two of them were walking around the city when a couple of children ran into Kaveh. Kaveh laughed and brushed it off, before watching them disappear into the school.

Alhaitham remembers watching Kaveh’s eyebrows furrow when he took in the state of the budling, all the beautiful features on his face scrunching up in disapproval. “Really, they ought to take better care of a place like that.”

The moment Kaveh reached home that day, he whipped out his pencils and started working. And when he was done, he was proud. “Haitham! Doesn’t this look way better?”

And when Alhaitham had scoffed at his masterpiece,

“What do you mean ‘design doesn’t matter’? Maybe to you it doesn’t, but to those students, I think it will matter. When children are still young, they are so filled with curiosity, and that dull school building doesn’t boost that at all! Think about it Haitham, making sure that that creativity within each child doesn’t burn out, that’s what education should really be about.” 

Alhaitham remembers being at a loss for words, remembers looking into Kaveh’s eyes to see the sparks within them. Pride towards the future generation of students, the same pride Kaveh had when he finally graduated, only to become bankrupt in the following years after chasing his dream.

Don’t you ever learn when to back down? Alhaitham feels a smile creep onto his face. He supposes he isn’t much different.

The soup is finally done.

-

“Mmf..ah.. nnhH’! snnf- snff!! hhH..ihh!!”

Kaveh feels himself being pulled out of sleep. Everything felt heavy, too cold yet he was sweating. His head weighed a ton, and his nose.. his nose-

“Hih’tchh! heh’zchw!! eh-heH’tchzw!!”

“hh-! eh’tchw! huH’ hh..snf!..nghn”

..wouldn’t stop itching.

He lifted a palm to his forehead. It felt warm. Warm because of the fever, or warm because his fingers felt like icicles? He didn’t know. His stomach made a sound, and Kaveh feels the feeling of hunger for the first time that night. 

Using his other hand, Kaveh pushed against the mattress under him, but his body didn’t rise. He felt weak and shivery. Maybe the blanket was just too heavy.. But he had no trouble getting out of bed this morning, so what was happening now?

He was tired, and sleep was dragging him down once again. Maybe if he tried hard enough, he’d dream of Alhaitham. Alhaitham.. he’d be strong enough to lift Kaveh up from the bed, from under these heavy covers..

As if right on cue, Kaveh heard a sharp knock on his door. He wanted to respond, to call out, but everything hurt. A second passed, and the door swung open, the light from outside just barely any brighter than his own room. 

How considerate that the visitor gave a second thought to his eyes’ sensitivity to bright stuff..

“Kaveh-”

The visitor was calling for him. Respond.. Respond..

“Mmhyea..?”

“It’s me.. uh.. I made some... soup- ..food for you.”

“Haitham..?”

Kaveh started at the doorway. He recognised the voice but not the words spoken. Alhaitham made food for him? Right when he was just feeling hungry? Right when he was just thinking of dreaming about the man? Maybe he was..

“Yeah, it’s me.”

..Or maybe he wasn’t.

Alhaitham pushed himself further into the room. He felt weirdly hesitant. The Grand Scribe, doubting his steps, a new experience for him. ‘Everything with Kaveh is always a new experience’ was the excuse he gave himself.

“I’ll just.. put this-” 

“heH’tchh!! snff!” Kaveh swallowed quickly, blushing. The sneeze snuck up on him, and now Alhaitham was staring.

“The.. t-table.. snff- would be g- good..”

Alhaitham recovered from his startle in an instant, gently placing the tray onto the desk. Kaveh’s voice was soft, very much unlike him. Under the moonlight, he could see the reddish outline of Kaveh’s nose, and Alhaitham felt his heart tighten.

“Are.. are you okay?”

“I’m- hH..hit’chhw! haH’ngxxT!! F-Fine..snf- why..?” Kaveh scrubbed at his eyes, avoiding Alhaitham’s sight. 

“No reason.” Alhaitham felt the words leave his mouth before hie brain could process them. Running away. “I’ll come back later to.. get the bowl..”

When Kaveh watched Alhaitham turn to leave, he felt panic immobilising him. Wait. No, don’t go, please.. s-stay.. “I need.. need-”

“..Need?”

“shit.. Need you to help me lift the spoon.. I can’t..” Kaveh felt his blush returning, or maybe it was the fever. He had said that out loud?! ahh- what was Alhaitham going to think?

“Okay.”

Alhaitham quietly moved over to the bedside, pulling a chair over. He wordlessly but carefully pulled down the covers to Kaveh’s waist, flinching when Kaveh shivered immediately to the cold air, turning sharply to his side.

“hH!! H’haH’tCHhuu! s-sorryyhH’ tchHiww! snff-” Kaveh had his nose pressed firmly against his sleeve when he turned back, grateful that Alhaitham chose not to comment on it, instead helping to prop him up using some pillows.

Kaveh watched as Alhaitham reached for the steaming bowl, cupping it with his bare hands while the other stirred its contents.

“It’s not hot..?”

Alhaitham didn’t answer the question. Of course it was. But how else would he feed Kaveh? Feed Kaveh. It was Alhaitham’s turn to blush. Thankfully Kaveh had his attention elsewhere, sleeve pressed to his nose, rubbing softly. 

“hiH’tchhu!! ouwch.. snff.. hhH-”

“Here.” Alhaitham cleared his throat, holding out the spoon to Kaveh’s lips. From this distance, he can tell how puffy Kaveh’s eyes were, and how they were avoiding him. 

Kaveh is just as scared as he is.

“T-Thank you..” Kaveh mumbled, the stuffiness making it hard to talk. The soup was warm, not too hot, not too cold; “delicious.”

“Glad you like it.”

“I’m amazed you can cook. snff! It’s not poisonous, is it?”

“Unfortunately not.”

Kaveh smiled, a little, and Alhaitham did too. Despite the moment they were in right now, they always found a way to bite at each other’s throats. That’s how they were, everyone in Sumeru knew.

But what were they really, to each other?

The bowl was empty before another word was spoken, say for the regular sniffles (and sneezes) that Kaveh would take between each bite. It was all too soon, and Alhaitham was standing up, probably to leave.

Panic. 

Kaveh didn’t want to be alone, but he didn’t want just anybody’s company either. He wanted Alhaitham’s company. The house was too big and his room was too cold. And so he reached out. 

“Haitham-!”

Alhaitham turned around, tray and bowl clutched in his hands. Kaveh was calling him, Kaveh needed something from him. What was it..? What was it? If he could, he would give Kaveh the world.

“Yes?”

“P-Please stay?”

And there it was, the unspoken words that were finally said. Such a simple request. ‘Of course’ Alhaitham thought. ‘Of course I’ll stay.’

“I will. I will be back after I wash these, alright?”

“Always worried about the dishes aren’t you, Haitham?”

Yes, I am worried, worried, but not just about the dishes anymore.

-

Kaveh watched as Alhaitham padded slowly out of his room. The defined muscles of his back poking through the thin shirt, as beautiful as they were the first time Kaveh laid eyes on them. Strong arms that he hoped one day would hold him. One day, soon.

“I’m sorry for always being such a mess-”

(And that you always have to clean up after me.)

“It’s alright. It’s the way you are.”

(And it’s perfect, I love it.)

He hears the kitchen tap going off as sleep welcomes him once again. But this time, Kaveh doesn’t need to dream of Alhaitham. Because he might have just became a reality.

-

When Kaveh wakes up the next day, his fingers were cradled within Alhaitham’s sturdy palm, the man in question seated upon the bedside chair, head resting upon the blanket, against Kaveh’s thigh, their hearts beating as one.

(end)

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tbh that felt more like a character rs fic then a snzfic but thats not rly for me to decide. 

i love these two so much and wna write for them abit more (when i stop being lazy)

ANYWAY ty for reading, and i hope you enjoyed that.

[oathofkaslana]

where’s my one post that’s like cyno and kaveh should gay kiss and al haitham should just die alone i feel that in my heart.

[whispering-kavka]

the struggles of today proved to me that i might indeed be a little mentally unwell

[warcoaxed]

On Wearing Your Heart On Your Sleeve

Or: the disjointed post where I diagnose Q!Forever with BPD-like tendencies in regards to Q!Philza.

Anything from this point forward is about the characters only.

continue reading under the cut!

1. On Brunim's entire existence.

One of the first real moments we got with Forever were his interactions with Philza and how he quite instantly got attached to him. While quite comedic at first, this later spirals into straight up obsession.

The basis of this obsession is Brunim Neets, or Forever's ex-husband who's very much not on the QSMP & bears a striking resemblance to our Philza.

It's quite easy to see that Forever is rather attached to Brunim, to the extent that he occasionally believes Philza is Brunim who simply lost his memories.

This leads to the conclusion that Brunim is quite literally Forever's FP ( Favourite Person. )

[ For the uninitiated, an FP is a person who someone with BPD relies heavily on for emotional support, seeks attention and validation from, and looks up to or idealizes. ]

Philza, who Forever uses as a replacement for Brunim, turns into one of Forever's main motives to do things, to gain his attention and love. This also makes Philza one of Forever's FPs, albeit an unhealthier one.

2. On Festa Junina & Forever's relationships.

Festa Junina was another turning point, where Forever entered a relationship that was just to make Philza jealous. Forever has a tendency to impulsively enter relationships and exit them just as fast.

Forever as a character is often categorized as airheaded, but that's very much not true. His emotions are very much a double edged sword, and can act as a source for his strength but also make his interpersonal relationships fall apart.

His stilting of Maximus' feelings is a result of this, where he gets so hyperfocused on Philza, he somewhat ends up using Maximus.

He has a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This can be said to be true in regards to both Philza and Brunim.

3. On the fear of abandonment & The Wedding (?)

Forever misses Brunim & there is no denying it. It's evident in how much Brunim is mentioned by him, to the extent that even Richarlyson pokes fun at it.

It's quite fair to assume that he feels a little abandoned by Brunim, with them being ex-lovers and Brunim very much not being around on the SMP.

And when you bring Philza to the equation? The Philza who very much wants to leave, the Philza who very visibly doesn't want this?

In comes the Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

The wedding canonically happens while Philza is either tripping on drugs, or simply in his head (have your pick,) where Forever builds a shrine around them, declares them married and then proceeds to try to (badly) gaslight Philza into believing that they got married in Vegas.

His attempts at gaslighting are laughably pitiful, but they're incredibly desperate and frantic. It's almost like he thinks that if he can convince Philza that they're married, he wouldn't leave.

4. On Splitting and the Proposal.

Splitting refers to the difficulty to accurately assess another individual or situation. It can lead to intensely polarizing views of others, for instance, as either very good or very bad. A person typically splits unconsciously or without realizing it. Rather than seeing people in their lives as complex human beings with good, bad, and in-between characteristics, they may apply intensely polarizing or exaggerated labels. To them, their partner may be the “worst partner in the world” one day and the “greatest partner ever” the next.

The real turning point in Forever & Philza's relationship is the proposal following Cellbit & Roier's wedding. Their dynamic between then could easily be described as teasing, but this when things got very real very quick.

Forever asked for Philza's hand in marriage and got rejected ( very harshly at that- Thanks, Phil .)

This lead to a rather drastic reaction from Forever, where he ran to practically throw himself off a cliff, only for Philza to chase him down and stop him. What follows is a rather interesting conversation where we can watch Forever's high-held opinion of Philza practically plummet, where he later proclaims that he never even loved Philza, and how much he wants Philza to explode ( his words, not mine. )

It's almost like a switch has been flipped, with how he goes from happy to very upset, to determined to be president out of spite.

Not as obvious as others, but this can point to a persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

There's probably more I could speak about this, but this is all I can say from the top of my head. Feel free to add things, I enjoy spitballing all kinds of things!

[xxheavenlybliss]

Oh, uh - I know it means nothing, but I will not draw my OC, Kav [the white haired one] as much going forward. I do dearly love and adore her but I just feel a bit messed up to draw her right now.

[kavdragun]

Hey there

Finally finished off the new Kav drawing with a different line art style! What do you think?

[qqueenofhades]

I KNOW he’s gonna find a way to worm his way out of it like the Worlds Biggest Bitch Baby that he is but… the thought of watching our future president absolutely eviscerate that orange sack of pond scum in a debate on national television make me feel indescribable joy. The mere thought of it makes me feel A L I V E.

I hope that if he refuses to debate her, she still stands up there by herself, looks directly into the camera and lists all the ways he’s a Scaredy Little Punk Ass Bitch.

Listen, Democrats might still have some understandable nerves (though listen to me, LISTEN TO ME: this is NOT THE TIME FOR MORE PANIC, THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TALK ABOUT HOW SCARY THIS IS, WE KNOW! WE KNOW! THIS IS THE TIME TO GET TF IN FORMATION AND DO YOUR GODDAMN JOB!) but let me say this, the Republicans are LOSING it. They put ALL their chips on facing Sleepy Old Joe who don't talk so good anymore, and suddenly they have a 59-year-old lawyer and prosecutor who literally spent her whole elected career going after sex pests, frauds, and felons. (We remember how she made Brett Kavanaugh fucking cry at his confirmation hearing, right?) And suddenly, they have to bring it against Kamala. GODSPEED, DIPSHITS.

So yes, Trump is already whining SO hard about all the money they "wasted" going after Biden, laying the groundwork to escape getting his ass handed to him at the next debate, got stuck with a terriblawful VP pick (even Fucking FOX NEWS cut away from Vance's rally the other day because it was so boring) and suddenly realizing that he spent so much effort to make this election about age and mental competency when... now it's him. WHAT NOW, FUCKFACES. WHAT. NOW.

I'd also like to point out that abortion rights are going to be a HUGE issue, they have won everywhere they have been on the ballot (including in very red states) post-Dobbs, they will be on the ballot in several more important states (including Fucking Florida, not that I actually think we'll win there), and Kamala has a great record as a defender of reproductive freedom. Biden did his best, bless him, but sometimes the Old Catholic Man still leaped out. So the absolute fucking schadenfreude of having a black female president BEAT TRUMP IN A POST-DOBBS ELECTION??? MAGNIFICENT.

(As @silverbirching says: we wonder how many minutes it will take SCOTUS to row back the "president god-king" ruling if Kamala wins. We're guessing 15. That is, if Joe does not finally just embrace the fact that presidents are immune AND he is leaving office, and send Alito, Thomas, and Kav on a "special indefinite vacation" as an inauguration present.)

I am not overconfident. I know this is unprecedented. I know we don't have much time, and how hard this will be. This is not 2016 or 2020, and we all have to do the work and not let up. But if the Handmaid's Tale party is literally now trying to make "Kamala doesn't have children because she's an Evul Feminist" into their main line of attack, all I say is, Please proceed, chucklefucks. I'm sure that will go great.

[dutybcrne]

I am a simple Allie: I see unhinged, I wanna put em with Taru or Kae

[steamberrystudio]

16/11/2024

Hallo everyone!  Tumblr devlog time. It's been a while again. I keep writing up posts for tumblr and then apparently never posting them.

This is what happens when I get distracted mid-post write up. I guess? I SWEAR I posted the last one but I don't see it anywhere.  The last post I see is my Episode 1 announcement so I'm either losing my mind or I've written two (2) updates that I never posted.

Maybe both. Because hey. 

Before I jump into the update, I just want to say that I relocated my Steamberry account to Bluesky from the other place. You can find me @steamberrystudio.bsky.social

Summary Bullets:

(all the work below is in reference to Episode Two content)

Since my last update (???) I've completed nearly 8 CGs

Multiple new BGs

Finished Wil's expressions

Finished Raif, Yren, Asher and side character expressions

Finished all expressions in the common route

Started Daaz's exclusive scene expressions.

Completed the flowcharts (building and unlocking)

Art:

So I have continued to receive BGs and BG sketches, of course.

I've also completed multiple CGs for episode two. 

I'm trying to do one CG per chapter for each LI so that means I need 12 (but with some extras for Kav so actually 14 for this episode. And I have...7 done I think? (two of Kav's, which I had completed previously) plus one each for Daaz, Noel, Raif, Asher, Yren. And I've started on another of Kav's.

Some of the CGs are solo CGs but each LI will have 1 CG that includes both the LI and Wil. Those, I haven't started yet. But after I finish this last solo Kav CG, I'll start on the couples CGs.

I've also done some touching up on previous CGs - I noticed that there were some mistakes in some of the previous ones I wanted to fix like some layers being inexplicably off.

I also redrew a CG that I didn't previously like but I don't know if I like the new version any better so I may not update it. 🤣

I received new BG art of course. As usual.

And I started putting together an art book that will be available for some Patreon tiers. I may eventually make it available for purchase outside of Patreon but that definitely will not be until the game is complete because as of now, I'll have to update the art book episodically along with the game.

So yeah, lots of art stuff happening. Lots.

Other Stuff:

I have coded the flowcharts. So the process for the flowcharts is as follows:

I make a mock up in simplemind - this just gives me a rough idea of the shape and number of nodes that I'm going to need. I use this to help me figure out in advance how big the flowchart will be as well as any weird shaping issues.

I build the flowcharts in Renpy using the flowchart plug in that Feniks created for me. 

Beg Fen for help at multiple points when the connectors and nodes are not behaving (because of me, not their plugin)

Set all the unlock statements in the game so that the flowchart actually lights up properly as you play.

For Episode 2, there were just over 200 nodes. 

The flowcharts in WSC, behemoths though they may be, are still simplified compared to the actual game branching. I can't really make note of every single branch in the game. Many callbacks are quite small and if I included them all, the flowchart would be insane. It already is. LoL

I don't need it to be even worse. So you can think of it as there being 200+ *major* scene divisions and choice options...

But numerous small callbacks and branching scenarios that don't get noted on the flowchart.

Upcoming Weeks:

My goal for the upcoming week is to actually finish expressions. When that's done I'll consider the beta version of the game roughly complete since it'll have everything I consider necessary for testing.

I'm not sure I'll release it to Patrons right away but just getting expressions done is a huge milestone and I'm really looking forward to being done with that.

This chapter had a huge amount of very large group scenes that were a bit time consuming to code expressions for. 

Group scenes are always a lot of work but even more so in this game.

In GS there were a lot of group scenes but a lot of them were meetings where people weren't necessarily being hugely expressive. In WSC some of the group scenes involve very emotional conversations or very dynamic conversations that require a lot more expression changes. People are popping in and out a lot more frequently....

And there's a fairly long, intense, somewhat action-y and suspenseful SPACE SHENANIGAN that occurs in Chapter three. So the expressions through that section are quite dynamic and are shifting around a lot.

Point being, the group scenes were a pain in the butt.

This will calm down a bit over the next few chapters after Episode Two. I think.

I don't know. We'll see. 

Expressions are tedious. Ha ha.

BUT I'm nearly there with this Episode so there's that. And then I'll be able to focus entirely on testing and getting the CGs complete.

So yeah, lots of progress for Episode 2 so far.

And will hopefully see you in two weeks when I do not write up a post and immediately forget to post it. 💪

[strxnged]

KAVEH: # perennial.

word count. 0.8k. genre. platonic, painter!gn!reader.

warnings. alcohol, love confession gone wrong (… right?).

“I think I’m in love with you.”

Kaveh’s voice was loud, forceful, and impatient. It was as if he’d been turning the words over in his mind for a few minutes and finally decided to spit it out and bear the consequences. His face contorted imploringly. “Please don’t kill me,” he added.

“Kav, you interrupted me!” You realized you were probably scowling at him.

“I—I know, I’m… sorry.”

You huffed and shut down your still-screaming thoughts about the inflation of paint prices. How were you supposed to make a living from your art if you couldn’t afford deep blue paint? You would have to change your entire style. How could you paint the sea, the sky, the— No, you had to focus. 

You grabbed his arm and pulled him out of the crowds of the city street to stand under a tree. “Kaveh,” you said in a more hushed voice, “where is this coming from?” 

His eyes darted around your face, anywhere but your eyes. His cheeks were aflame. As much as you took pleasure in seeing him embarrassed, this needed to be resolved immediately. 

“You can’t just say things like that when we’re out in public.”

He frowned. “What?”

“People are going to think…”

“That I mean it? I do!”

Up until now, you’d been sure there was another explanation. But now you saw his crimson cheeks, furrowed eyebrows, and red eyes settling on yours, and you let yourself absorb it.

“Oh,” you said.

Your chest tightened and your throat closed. Archons, were you really about to lose your best friend? Did everything have to change, now?

“I’m sorry,” he said again. “I just— I’ve never felt for anyone the way I do for you. God, it sounds so stupid. I just love you. A lot. I don’t want to be apart from you.”

“It does sound stupid,” you said bluntly. “Because I feel the same way.”

“You do?”

“Kaveh…”

He looked pained, mouth opening and closing with no words coming out.

“Kaveh,” you said, more firmly. “It’s not about whether or not I love you. It’s about what you want, and what I want. So instead of saying words that are so plainly obvious, why don’t you give me something to go off of so I know what you mean.”

Kaveh sighed. “I don’t know…”

“Fine. Let me get a drink or two into you. Then you’ll talk.” You took to the street again, and beckoned to him. “Don’t linger, loverboy.”

Sure enough, in Lambad’s Tavern, Kaveh’s tense expression melted after a drink. He pursed his lips, gazing a bit more calmly into the bottom of his empty glass.

“Well?” you urged him.

“I want to understand my feelings. Alhaitham told me I should talk to you about it instead of bothering him so much.”

You sputtered. “You want to understand your feelings, so you confessed your love for me?”

He sighed. “Yes.” His eyes met yours defiantly. “It’s not like I knew what else to say. I do love you.”

“Yes, you’ve mentioned that. That’s a great word that means a whole lot of nothing new to me unless you want things between us to change.”

“Change how?” he asked. 

“Kaveh, I should kick you.” You swung back your glass and emptied it. “My best friend’s a fool. That’s up to you. I’m content with how we are.”

“Well, so am I. I just love what we have. You’re everything to me.” He huffed and ordered another drink from the bartender. “You know, you just put me in my place and knock senses into me. You’re like—Alhaitham, but you don’t have terrible taste and worse opinions.”

You laughed. “Is that a compliment?”

“That’s how I love you.”

“Hmm…” You kicked your feet back and forth. “How else?”

“Like, I like being close to you. Hanging out. Lying around with you while we’re doing seperate art. I like your smell. I really… really like making you laugh.” Kaveh looked almost defeated, but his tone was tender and meaningful. “That’s how.” He looked at you again, and his expression turned angry. “You’re enjoying this! You prick.”

“Of course I am, Kaveh. I don’t know why you’ve held back these feelings. Is there anything else?”

He rolled his eyes and propped his head up in his hand, elbow on the bar counter. “I’m just in love with you. Like I love a new design.”

“And I love you like I love painting.” You smiled and let out a relieved sigh. “So nothing has to change?”

“No. God, no.”

“Good. I have enough to deal with, with paint prices these days.”

author’s note. i wrote this in like 20 minutes and did not proofread don’t come for me. i love queerplatonic affection and kaveh. ♥