#just... yes the fact that he was willing to die is tragic but? after decades of existing between life and death? chasing down the one goal

[bravevolunteer]

michael isn't inherently religious ( this tracks whether or not the aftons were raised religiously, although i don't think they would've been to a heavy extent if any ), he doesn't claim to have an idea of what might occur after death if anything, but he does spend a long while thinking that if there is such thing as an afterlife, if there is a hell, that is where he would end up. it takes so much for him to accept that he has atoned, that he deserves to rest just like everyone else does.... so when henry ( a man that was likely more faithful than michael ever was ) says he believes there is peace on the other side... that only one of them will suffer for their actions..... there's a moment before the fire where michael finally allows himself to believe it. it's finally not as difficult to accept that, despite his mistakes, he does deserve peace with the rest of them, he deserves to move on along with his siblings

[the-insomniac-emporium]

Mia Deserved Better: An Analysis of RE8's Themes/Symbolism

Foreword: I would like to thank @lepusrufus for posting about both Mia and Miranda, and at one point directly saying that Mia deserved better, which is a large part of what caused me to start examining her role in the canon story. Now, I will say that this post, like some of my previous explorations of Village (such as my attempt to determine Donna's age), will not be the best organized. My ADHD makes such things rather difficult for me. However, I have tried more than usual, and have broken up this "essay" into several distinct sections. Still, I am worried that my thoughts will not be as concise or coherent as they were inside my head.

Under read-more for length and spoilers for RE8: Village.

Introduction:

Village is, inarguably, about parenthood. Is it a horror game? Yes. Is it also science fiction? Also yes. But is it still, at its core, a story, and therefore contains imagery, symbolism, and themes? Yes. Now, you may be wondering what this has to do with Mia deserving better. My proposal is as follows: While Village is overall about parenthood, it is more about motherhood than fatherhood. Furthermore, Mia's background + actions from the previous game tie her story directly with Mother Miranda's, making their potential interactions massively important to the story... and could have served the theme beautifully. The missed potential in her involvement in the story is honestly a little bit absurd.

Now, let's examine each of the Four Lords + their sections, as the beginning of analyzing the game's theme.

Lady Dimitrescu + Castle:

Ah, perhaps the clearest (albeit unimportant) bits of theme within the whole game. We are immediately presented with another parent, with three daughters she loves very, very much. Initially they work as a team to capture Ethan, easily overpowering him. When they do split up, each still has dialogue regarding their family members. Each of the daughters expresses a desire to be like their mother/make their mother proud. Lady Dimitrescu herself gets very upset every time one of her daughters perishes, and delivers some important dialogue about this in her final confrontation with Ethan.

To paraphrase, Lady D says that Ethan has done something unforgiveable, caused damage that can never heal, and deserves to die before his daughter. That last part is interesting, in the sense that Lady D seems to believe that outlasting your own child is a fate so terrible that she would not wish it upon anyone, including the person who killed her daughters.

Throughout her dialogue and actions, Lady D serves as an important figure of a living mother. What do I mean by that? Well, the only other mothers we see in game are Mia and Miranda. The former doesn't show up until almost the end of the game (seeing as the "Mia" at the start is not actually the real Mia), while the latter does not have a living child, and her behavior has (presumably) changed quite a bit since that loss. As Ethan goes through Castle Dimitrescu, he watches (he causes) Lady D to go through what Miranda did all those decades ago. When we see her loss, when we experience her loss, it is something we connect with, even comparing it (as Lady D does) to Ethan's loss of Rose.

For the more visual side of symbolism, we can turn to Lady Dimitrescu herself. She is very tall, is visibly older than the majority of the Village cast, and has a fairly classic (old-school) motherly look. Everything about her reinforces her position as an example of a mother, especially when she's with her daughters and becomes such a strong figure of protection. Her height allows her to seem the caretaker for her children, even though they are scary/intimidating in their own right.

Donna Beneviento + Waterfall House:

Yes, the baby/fetus/monstrosity is part of this. No, it is not the only bit of thematic work in this section of the game.

To begin, you can find out that Donna is officially the adopted daughter of Mother Miranda. Her birth parents are dead, implied to be from especially tragic causes (more than is the norm when it comes to "orphan making"), and she has suffered greatly from it. We see that she has been seemingly neglected by Miranda, and is incredibly isolated. The tragedy of her loss, along with the consequences presented by it, are something to keep in mind further down the road, when we inevitably deal with Ethan's own death.

One of the consequences of the environment Donna was raised in is, arguably, her reliance on Angie. While interpretations of their exact relationship (aka how much control Donna actually has at any given point) vary, the two very clearly have something akin to a mother/daughter vibe. Alternatively an older sister/younger sister sort of thing. This shows in the way that Donna holds/carries Angie, as well as the contrast in their demeanors. Moreso, the fact that Donna gave a part of herself to create Angie is almost enough to make the symbolism nonnegotiable.

We also see that Donna has a strong understanding of family/family dynamics, through the way that she uses her powers to manipulate Ethan. She dissects his connections to Mia and Rose, taunts him with the lengths he's willing to go to save his child, then shows him a grotesque version of parenthood: The aforementioned fetus monster. Does the monster represent Ethan's fears, or Donna's?

What if the monster is how Donna sees herself, in some way, perhaps thinking that it's her fault her parents died? Bit of a stretch, but it's not a keystone of my theory, so I'm just throwing it out there. We could, however, go a step further and ask ourselves if Donna has noticed the way Miranda neglects her, and the fetus monster is how Donna thinks Miranda sees her. A baby, true, but grotesque, so terribly imperfect compared to her "real daughter" (Eva, obvs).

Regardless, the monster presents an ugly side of parenthood. It shows us the blood, the hunger (with the way it repeatedly attempts to swallow Ethan whole), the wailing. If Lady D shows us the love of parenthood, the bond, Donna in turn shows us the hate, the misery. Everything that one must endure to reap the rewards of family.

Lastly, we get one last bit of symbolism with Donna's death: We play a game with Angie. A childhood classic, hide and seek. Ethan chases her down repeatedly, stabbing away, seemingly only hurting the doll. But what happens when he kills Angie? It turns out that he killed Donna. You kill the child, you kill the parent. A reinforcement of the connection that comes with parenthood, along with another notch in Ethan's family-murdering belt (not saying that he's the "true antagonist" or anything, just keeping track for one of my later points).

Moreau + The Reservoir

Let's get the worst possibility out of the way: Moreau, weakest and sickest of the four lords, lives in a reservoir, where he is relatively safe. To defeat him, you have to drain the water, forcing him onto dry(ish) land. Paired with the main ideas of his section (which I will detail after this nightmare), one could theorize that he's meant to represent birth itself. Again, he's safe in his ("womb") water, and becomes vulnerable when he leaves (like a fragile newborn). Kinda gross, in my opinion, and also not a strong enough connection for me to care much about. It was merely an interesting (albeit horrifying) enough thought that I felt it warranted sharing.

Moving on to the big stuff with Moreau: He's a baby. Evidence: Whiny, has difficulty moving around, struggles to adapt to his growth, throws up a bunch, loves his mother very much, cries for his mother when he's in trouble, etc. Although Mother Miranda does not care for him, he clearly cares for her, and plays yet another role of an abandoned child (like Donna). Without Miranda there to protect him, he perishes terribly, crying out for someone who does not care to answer.

Hearing him cry out for Miranda, over and over, only for her to continue ignoring him is a key piece in the build-up to our confrontation between Ethan and Miranda. The game, in many ways, centers around the comparison between the two. In my humble opinion, Mia should have been involved in this comparison, as opposed to supplying the solution to the result of said comparison. Yes, I know that was a lot of words that don't mean much yet, but trust me, I'm getting there.

Heisenberg + The Factory

Ironically, of the four lords, Heisenberg is the most similar to Mother Miranda. In his massive factory, he is alone except for his numerous experiments, the results of decades of playing God. In comparison to Ethan + Mia, Heisenberg represents artificial parentage, or more accurately, the artificial creation of "life". While the others Lords also performed experiments, they used living subjects. Heisenberg instead chose to use corpses, which he then "brought back to life" with cybernetics + his powers, a somewhat futuristic version of Dr. Frankenstein.

Together, Miranda and him show a rotten side of parenthood (whereas Donna + Moreau showed us the uglier side of the children themselves). To put it simply, they are bad parents. They throw their "children"/experiments into the fray, uncaring, using them as pawns for their own greater gain. The most important part of this is that Heisenberg offers to "help" Ethan: By using Rose as a weapon. In his act of refusal, Ethan demonstrates one of several important distinctions between himself and Mother Miranda. Where she is willing to use her "children" (read: lives that she is responsible for) as tools, he is not.

Miscellaneous Symbolism/Imagery:

The old hag is one of my favorite parts of Village. She's seemingly nuts, has a crazy old lady laugh, wears bones that make soothing bone noises when she moves, and she draws lots of symbols in the dirt. If you look closely (I can provide screenshots if anyone desires, but it will take a bit of work to get them onto my computer), she's drawing one of the most iconic images in the titular village: The winged unborn. This symbol acts as the key you build up after every fight with a Lord, understandably called the Unborn Key (which turns into the Winged Unborn Key). Whether this counts as foreshadowing towards the hag's identity reveal is technically irrelevant, but I like to think it does.

In essence, you build up the key, this depiction of an infant, to progress in the game. The more wings it gains, the closer you are to your goal of rescuing your child.

The cadou itself is very clearly fetus-shaped. Furthermore, the only place within the human body that we know it ever gets implanted is in the "tummy" (thanks Moreau), aka roughly where someone's womb is/would be. Every infected person we see presumably had the Cadou implanted there (though I think it would be interesting if implanting it in different spots caused different mutations. of course, that is a discussion for another day). To become immortal, you have to "bear" a "child". Does it get more direct than that?

Mother Miranda gained her immortality in part for her grief at the loss of her child. She embodied the despair that Lady D spoke of, becoming an eternal source of anguish. Just as the loss of a child is a wound that lasts forever, so too would Miranda last forever (well, until Ethan comes along).

Mia is a loving mother, who puts up with the BSAA making her move across the world, deals with the complications of having a mold husband and mold baby, and has proved herself (see her section in RE7) to be an immense badass. Previously I had forgotten that, and even embarrassed myself in the comments of another person's post by implying she wasn't a tough, ass-kicking machine. Y'all remember feral Mia? People talk about "poor Ethan's arms", but sometimes we forget that Mia was one of the people who did a number on them. Furthermore, she's one of the only living people (from outside the village) to have any connections (pun intended) to Mother Miranda. They worked together, although possibly not directly, on Evelyn. If anyone in Village has a chance of really understanding Miranda's plight, or knowing the truth behind it, it would be Mia. Yet we don't see them interact a single time. Which leads me to the next section...

Conclusion On Theme + Missed Potential:

Okay, okay, so it's pretty obvious at this point that, as previously stated, the game's theme is parenthood. Every section has its symbolism, the story is very obviously about a man trying to rescue his daughter, etc, etc, but what's the point? Is there a lesson, or a more focused interpretation of the central theme? Let's take one last step back, and focus on something I've mentioned a few times now: The comparison between Ethan and Mother Miranda.

Recurring dialogue from Ethan, Alcina, and Mother Miranda all point towards the developers acknowledging that the characters are similar, but there's nowhere near as much conversation about it as I would like. Several times we have the antagonists ask Ethan how he's so willing to kill someone else's child, or prevent them from (essentially) doing what he's doing (aka saving his daughter). While Ethan responds with a mix of "well you started it" and "aghhh fuck-a-you, bitch", there's a much more solid, unspoken difference: Mother Miranda sends her underlings to kill, so that she may revive her daughter. Ethan kills (read: does the work himself) to get his daughter. The difference is much bigger, and more important, at the end of the game, when we realize just how far it goes. Ethan dies to save his daughter. Time and time again Mother Miranda has killed others for her work, but in the end she is stopped when someone willingly dies to stop her.

Where does Mia come in? Mia, the badass mother, the one who once worked alongside Mother Miranda, should have been the nail in the coffin. She is the one who survives, who lives on to raise Rose, she is the silent solution to Ethan's sacrifice. Miranda, you fool, what could you have accomplished if you had held onto your makeshift family? Through Mia (and Chris, to a lesser degree), his "loss" becomes a victory. There's a certain poetic justice that comes with Rose's full family being instrumental in saving her, when Miranda so readily spurned her own family.

Mia could have had an actual conversation with Miranda, their history giving the latter a reason to actually listen. I'm not saying that Miranda would have changed her mind/plans, but the conversation would have been a well-needed contrast to Ethan's "arggg what the fuck is happening, I only have two reactions to things. agg fuck you". Additionally, I feel that Mia (who was captured and had to endure who-knows-what) deserves the opportunity to be the one who points out Miranda's mistakes, who delivers the final "fuck you" to her. More than that, she's the one at the end who can say that hey, maybe she can understand some of what Miranda did. Was there anything her and Ethan wouldn't have done to save Rose? As much as Ethan is a foil to Miranda, Mia could (and should) have played a similar role.

When so much of the story and symbolism revolves around Miranda's experience as a mother, it only would have been fair to shine a light on her equivalent. Her better.

There's more I wanted to say/feel like I didn't properly get across, and I might add more to this at some point, but it's 5:40 AM right now, and I'm starting to feel like my brain is slowing down, so... Feel free to reblog/comment and add your own thoughts!

[ranlinjin]

When you’re forced to work together

In which Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng both die at the temple (don’t ask) and get set back in time under the condition that they work together this time

Wei Wuxian: Is that all?

Jiang Cheng: Yes. Read it out loud so that whatever... miscommunication we have, can be spoken about now.

Wei Wuxian: ...Alright. Our goal is it to save the young madam Jiang-

Jiang Cheng: We are dead, you know. I... can’t threaten to kill you for calling your sister what she is.

Wei Wuxian: ...Our goal is it to save sister by any means. Furthermore, I want to save the Wen remains this time. All of them, not just 3, Wan- Jiang Cheng. Any... objections?

Jiang Cheng:

Jiang Cheng: But for what do you need the rest? I get the gene- Wen Ning and the witc- Wen Qing, they did save us back then... and-especially-me-

Wei Wuxian: Only took you a decade to realize, huh.

Jiang Cheng: Oh yes, because you have the high ground on noticing obvious things immediately. What I mean, I get those two, and if you intend to adopt the Wen kid, then he becomes my nephew and worth of liv- he becomes important. If you stretch it, maybe one other woman to babysit the child and if he still lives, her husband too, so that I won’t have to hear any more weeping in my own home. That makes five. Five people. What do you need the rest for?

Wei Wuxian:

Wei Wuxian: They are innocent people who don’t deserve to die and be tormented for a crime they did not commit? They are entirely harmless and don’t pose a threat to anyone?

Jiang Cheng: Yes, but for what do you need them for?

Wei Wuxian: 

Wei Wuxian: Why are you like that. We talked about this.

Jiang Cheng: I still don’t understand. You are not stupid. You have seen how it ended the last time. You died for them last time, and they still all got killed, because surprise! Sect politics don’t care about good or bad. Whether I take those 50 no-ones into my sect, whether they are harmless or not won’t change the fact that they are Wens who were supposed to work under the Jins. The position of the Jiang sect- which was still more name than real sect at this point, if you’ve forgotten that again-

Wei Wuxian: I never forgot about that, I knew that it was-

Jiang Cheng: Shut up. What I mean to say is, even if I give you my support and you don’t appear to be that out of your mind - or at least as off leach as you were last time, it won’t change the outcome. Maybe, give or take, you will have 4 years more than last time, before you and the Jiang sect will go out forever.

Wei Wuxian: ...What if I don’t kill the Jin guards in that camp? What if I save him before Wen Ning dies? It would take a lot of offense out of the picture, that would make it easier to let it pass as the whim of a high-ranking cultivator instead of an offense able to start a war over. What need do they have with 50 old and weak people? Everyone can see that they would be useless.

Jiang Cheng: You underestimate just how blind of an eye the sects are willing to turn so shortly after the war. But yes, it would keep it down. Us storming to the place and getting your pe- friend and former life-saver out of imprisonment and taking a bunch of his family as well because a dept must be repaid, just may end less tragically. If he realizes we want them, Jin Guangshan may even give them to us without any fight at all, in order to stitch a few more strings into the Jiang sect - which is, again, really struggling to even keep over water and can’t use negative attention-

Wei Wuxian: All 50 of them, Jiang Cheng. If that bastard wants the stupid iron for him to leave us be, then so be it. I’ve had enough for two life-times now, I just want to go home and eat soup.

Jiang Cheng:

Jiang Cheng: If you go to Lotus pier, you can’t change your mind. No running off to some graveyard or Gusu again, no running away from your responsibilities and fam- duties. I... know that you can’t wield a sword anymore - which would have been great to know sooner, by the way, would have actually helped quite a lot back then to know - but enough. You can have them, all 5 and the baggage of 45 more if it makes you happy. But you won’t abandon me- the sect again. You will move your ass to Lotus pier and stay the fuck where you belong this time. You will not react to provocation and you will not start a war.

Jiang Cheng:

Jiang Cheng: AndifyourstupidlanwangjiwantstostayatyoursidethanhewillhavetomovetolotuspieraswellbecauseIamnotlettingyougoathirdtime-

Wei Wuxian: What?

Jiang Cheng: Don’t screw up this time. I will break your legs if we end up here again.

[hyena-frog]

Makes me so sad to think about how Cassius raised Lysander for 10 YEARS and came to love him like a brother and likely put a ton of effort into being a decent role model only for Lysander to turn around and become exactly like Octavia..... like can you imagine what must be going through Cassius’ head when he flies over Lysander at the end of DA.. :( seeing the kid he raised to adulthood become a monster.. I just... ugh. It tears me up inside

Hoo boy, I hope you’re prepared for the essay I’m about to write.

Genuinely, I think about this all the time. Cassius and Lysander have one of the most complex, tragic relationships the second trilogy has to offer. I hated Cassius so much after Golden Son but now he’s one of my favorite characters. I would really love it if he is the new POV Pierce Brown promised. In the second trilogy, Cassius has been exclusively filtered through Lysander’s POV, so I’m dying to know his own thoughts on everything that has happened. (But I would also like a Volga POV for the Obsidian story and maybe Diomedes POV for the Rim perspective. I’m torn.) I just want Cassius to have a happy ending. And I hate Lysander, but I would really like for him to see eye to eye with Cassius at least once before he is horribly, painfully, rightfully murdered.

Now, the thing is, Cassius didn’t come to love Lysander as a brother over time, he already loved him when he decided to become his guardian and mentor. It bugged me that, at the end of Morning Star, it didn’t feel like Cassius’ decision to take in Lysander was justified enough. All we really got out of him was that Lysander reminded him of Julian. Pretty flimsy. Then Iron Gold came along and blessed us with a flashback to when they first met. Little Lysander wasn’t too impressed with Cassius (he wasn’t exactly as respectable post Red Rising as he is now) but Cassius quickly went from calling Lysander an “eerie little creature” to declaring “I’ve decided to like you, little moon boy.” From that moment, Cassius truly cared for Lysander. Reading that flashback again after Dark Age makes me so emotional.

Lysander has this complex about being Julian’s replacement, that Cassius doesn’t love him so much as he loves the shadow of Julian he sees in him. And he’s justified, in a way, because Cassius does slip up and call him Julian sometimes, but it’s usually when he’s delirious from pain and not thinking clearly. Lysander completely misses the fact that Cassius does love him. I guess he doesn’t have much experience recognizing when he’s genuinely cared for, because why would he, but there is plenty of evidence of Cassius’ true feelings.

For example, Cassius sold most of his remaining family possessions to keep them afloat on the Archimedes. Now, Cassius isn’t strapped for cash by any means but the fact he cares for Lysander (and Pytha) enough to sell many of the last reminders of his dead family that he owns, is very telling. But Lysander doesn’t think about that. He acknowledges that it happened but doesn’t consider the deeper, emotional meaning behind that action.

Another example is Cassius opening up to Lysander about the last time he ever saw his father. How he disappointed Tiberius but finally regained his respect, only for the entire Bellona family to be slaughtered shortly after that reconciliation. That was a sign that he loves and trusts Lysander enough to be vulnerable with him. He never told that story to anyone else, as far as we know. He believed he was going to die in the Bleeding Place and wanted that memory of his father to live on in Lysander. The fact that Lysander is blind to how Cassius genuinely loves him, even now, is tragic.

You’re right, Cassius did try to be a good role model and pass on good morals. I think the scene in Dark Age, where Pytha confesses that Cassius forbade her from revealing to Lysander that she is actually a soldier and not a disgraced commercial pilot, as he was lead to believe, was very telling. Cassius attempted to show Lysander life outside of politics and war. He tried to show him that all Colors are equals deserving of respect. Cassius was devastated when Lysander chose to save Seraphina over the many mid- and low-color prisoners on the Vindabona. He was horrified that Lysander chose “quality” of life saved over quantity. This coming from Cassius, who compared Pinks to animals in Red Rising. Cassius has learned and changed a lot since the first book and he tried to pass those lessons onto Lysander. But it didn’t stick. Not even after 10 years of teaching.

Unfortunately, his teachings were tainted by his bad coping mechanisms for his personal demons. His alcoholism, his continued pining for Virginia, combined with his betrayal of Octavia and involvement in Aja's brutal murder, gave Lysander enough excuses to never fully embrace his lessons. While Lysander did love Cassius, there was always some flaw or another in his teacher that allowed him to comfortably distance himself from the lessons that diverged from Octavia’s teachings. To be honest, Cassius had no business taking on a ward while he was so torn up inside. Keeping Lysander isolated in a tin can in the middle of space for 10 years, instead of living among diverse people, didn’t do him any favors either. Frankly, Cassius missed a lot of red flags. A big one is the fact Lysander carved Lux ex tenebris, the Lune family motto, into the ceiling of his room on the Archimedes, where he could stare up at it every night. Yikes.

This dissonance in Lysander’s thinking is what lead to his betrayal in the Bleeding Place. Yes, Lysander loves Cassius and wanted to save his life rather than see him die at the hands of people who don’t respect him. But he also genuinely believes in the inherent hierarchy of Octavia’s teachings, that the “true order” is for Cassius to follow him. If Cassius lives, if he can convince him that his rightful place is to follow Lysander, things can finally be right in the worlds. Cassius failed to express his feelings in a way Lysander can comprehend, so he felt he was just a replacement for Julian. Lysander can dismiss Cassius’ love as love for his dead twin, and in turn, he can dismiss his claim to believe in the inherent equality of humankind as guilt and justification for killing his Sovereign. Cassius was unable to truly see how badly he failed until he was betrayed.

Since Cassius was absent for most of the plot following his “death” it’s difficult to concretely say what he’s been thinking since then. But I’ve been thinking a lot about him, so here is my conjecture. Take it with a grain of salt.

That moment you mention, when Cassius flies overhead, he deliberately retracted his helmet for a brief moment of eye contact with Lysander, so he would know exactly who rescued Darrow... Shivers. So much left unsaid. I imagine Cassius was thinking a lot of things in that moment. On the one hand, some pettiness and anger at being betrayed: “I lived bitch, I rescued Darrow, this is where my loyalties lie.” But there was also probably a mixture of shock and guilt at knowing what Lysander has done, at who he’s sided with and enabled, but also at seeing evidence of physical suffering in Lysander's burn scar and blind eye. Cassius loved Lysander, he was his guardian for 10 years, so he would hate to see him hurt. I think he would feel responsible for Lysander’s actions on some level, even if he logically understands that he’s an adult who makes his own choices.

Regardless, Cassius probably blames himself on some level. That’s what I think anyway. He tried his best to teach this kid good morals for an entire decade only for him to cling to the ideals his grandmother taught him. That has to sting. It’s probably also embarrassing, to a degree. Cassius made this grand promise to Darrow that he’d raise Lysander right, that Sevro was wrong to suggest they should have just killed him when he was little. Now Cassius’ failure to make good on that promise has been advertised to the whole Solar System through Lysander’s actions on Mercury. Surely Cassius feels responsible.

Cassius had a lot of time to think during his long return trip to the Core. About what happened with Lysander in the Rim, about his lingering feelings for Virginia, about his place in the Republic, and about what he really considers the right thing to do. Cassius can be intensely empathetic when he allows himself to be. For example, in Morning Star, he managed to really sympathize with Darrow’s life when they were drinking whiskey together. I’m willing to bet he spent that long return journey considering Lysander’s perspective with a clear head, after spending so many years lost in the haze of his own sorrows. Now that he is out of that bad mental place, he is likely able to see where he made mistakes in how he raised Lysander.

It will make for an interesting confrontation between Cassius and Darrow, who is thoroughly, understandably, done with Lysander, when the time comes to kill him. Cassius knows the danger Lysander poses and probably won’t argue against killing him this time, but I do think he would resist a little and at least try to find an alternative solution.

Lastly, I just want to say this, since it’s sort of relevant: This fandom tends to agree that Sevro should have just killed Lysander as a child, but if I’m being honest, I don’t agree. Kill Lysander now, as an adult, by all means, but as a kid he hadn’t done anything wrong yet, even if he was a little creepy. Darrow was right to give him the chance to live in peace. Too bad he ultimately didn’t take it. I especially don’t think Cassius would agree killing Lysander as a kid was the right choice, even now. He is traumatized by the sudden loss of most of his family, including little kids, so I don’t think he’d ever agree to killing a child. If he could somehow go back in time, knowing what he knows now, I think he would make the same choice to raise Lysander. In that scenario, I think he would rather try to fix the mistakes he made as a mentor, rather than punish Lysander.

Guh. Anyway. I had a lot of words in me about this subject. Hope you got something out of it! I’m consistently amazed by how Pierce Brown’s writing compels me to think deeply about these characters. Not to mention his ability to make me understand Lysander’s perspective even if I don’t like it or agree with it. Cassius’ perspective though... well, half of this post is just me guessing, so we’ll have to see how close I am to canon when book 6 comes out. Thanks for reading!

[purposelynana]

What Did I Watch: #12

Wow it's been a long time since i binge-watch things. I thought after the whole fiasco that happened in chinese entertainment industry last august, i would never stepped out again. But hey, who can resist a good watch? Thrilling and enganging watch? No one.

Last week, I finished The Pavilion, the first stuff that comes out from Iqiyi's Light On this year. It was thankfully not that heavy like The Long Night or creepy uncomfortable like The Bad Kids. Many people felt it was a letdown and I'm quite agree because the mystery itself was rather easy to crack.

Even though, it was predictable and honestly the bad guy was laughable. Come on it's not enough for drag to get dragged in reality (no pun intended) but the show makes me kinda feeling unsure about its potrayal towards drag. As per usual lah chinese intend to make the weirdest guy out there become a villain. Easy.

Meanwhile the family plot hahahaha I'm not saying it's bad but yeah sometimes it looked like they were trying to force something just to fulfill the duration per episode. Luckily, I used to ignore all of that and just enjoy every twists and turns even it wasn't that shocking.

The great part about this show is the shot. Chef's kiss.

And i have so many on-going dramas to watch. I finally figured out how to stop dropping dramas in the middle. Just watch it during its period air. But now there is a raising problem. I felt like don't have enough time.

First, gotta say Danger Zone is a pleasant surprise. Came from Taiwan and stared my first bias in history of my life, Vic Zhou. My first and only second-lead that I ended up liking. (Meteor Garden really changed the game lah). But this drama ain't romance-filled drama, to my shock it's so bloody, full with suspense, and no censor needed. Dammit, it's been so long I watched this kind of drama and I was regretting why I didn't start this sooner.

2021 is the year of the DILF, ma.

Despite the fact that sometimes the case was solved because there are just to many coincides and too complicated for their own good, it was rather ground-breaking for a Taiwanese drama that willing to this kind of genre. Or maybe my boundary isn't far enough. Because I've seen genre of dramas shifted in Korean dramas. Meanwhile Japan already gave the audiences so many choices since a decade ago. Let's see what will happen in the next couple of years.

Next drama on my watch-list is Jirisan. Wow, finally I saw something from Korea. It's the anniversary drama from TVN, written by THE Kim Eun-Hee, and starring two A-List stars. Come on. What could go wrong?

Well, nobody's perfect. The directing is such pain in the ass. The CGI isn't smooth enough. There are two things that I could think of. But don't let that stop you from watching this beautiful drama. The most important thing is it never let you be bored and keep intriguing you with the question of "what lies beneath those rocky mountains?". What a word.

I intend to drop Rainless Love in A Godless Land. It's too slow or too not engaging. Either way, it's boring. But I wanna know how Orad gonna die or not. He's already suffer enough. Yes, this is a Goblin rip-off but with great world-building.

Meanwhile, let me just introduce you to the drama that makes me feel things. The same feeling happened to me years ago when I started Innocent Man or that one drama when Song Joong Ki really prove everyone he can act.

Saiai is a tragic story. It will end badly. Every person who decide to watch this know the very fact, someone is going to die. But ah.. who are we anyway if not imperfect human trying their best every single day?

Yoshitaka Yuriko is the force to be reckoned with.

Before things get more gloomy than already it is, lets close this post with a gif from our favorite boys.

[davidmann95]

So you've talked a lot about Darkseid, but what about the other New Gods?

SO THIS HAS BEEN IN MY INBOX FOR ALMOST AS LONG AS THIS BLOG’S BEEN AROUND AND I JUST FINALLY FINISHED FOURTH WORLD

Well that sure was something. My musings on some major players that I either have substantial thoughts on, or where I especially think the majority consensus/interpretation has subsequently gotten them wrong (a state Kirby is well aware of, because a HUGE part of “Even Gods Can Die!” is him being frustrated at subsequent handlings of the characters even by 1984 mucking things up):

Orion: Perhaps the most hard-done by as a result of Kirby never being able to fully finish Fourth World as he had imagined it, as his character arc ends on a cliffhanger for a decade and is forced into a rapid completion later. When he emerges, while a warrior born he’s also every bit the classical, magnificent hero you expect to see in a superhero comic to try and overshadow his inner demons, while by the end of New Gods he’s embraced not only his true face (the OTHER face, as his father would put it) in the fight against Apokolips but the murderous, sadistic rage that is his birthright, reveling in inflicting agony and very much the berserker others have since portrayed him as. Surely as much a product of his trauma from a childhood on Apokolips (a detail frequently glossed over) and a sense of being unwanted as anything genetic, it’s ultimately unconditional love for him as he truly is in Hunger Dogs that lets him overcome his fear that he can’t be anything but a monstrous tool in service of better people than himself, and embrace ‘the tomorrow overture’. Even his anger has its righteous if tragic place as a primal force of upheaval: “It defies time! It stands firm against the hammers of change! It mocks life and defies death!” I won’t get to it for awhile yet, but very curious what Simonson does with him.

Lightray: Rules! He’s the closest the New Gods have to a traditional superhero, and it’s in that capacity that while a lousy warrior next to Orion (Kalibak thinks little of his attempt at fighting him, mockingly deeming him a “callow little killer”), his strength is in transformation: he makes himself light, he turns a tormented weapon into the glory boat, a machine armed against the New Gods into a weapon against Darkseid, Orion from a man alone into a friend. He’s not a warrior, but he’s the one who makes a better world worth waging war for and who might one day make such war unnecessary. Also he and Orion have definitely fucked.

Mister Miracle: Not WILDLY off the mark since, but it’s interesting that as I expect a result of JLI he’s been written so often since as an everymanish, relatable, bordering-on-comedic figure, when under Kirby he was very much the archetypal good guy. One often committed to freeing others as he had been freed himself, in the likes of Ted Brown and Shilo Norman, an avenue I’m surprised hasn’t been explored more often from what I’ve seen. Also worth noting: Darkseid declared the moment he got his hands on the kid that Granny would be twice as hard on him as others, and that it would eventually drive the boy away and let the war resume. Which not only indicates Darkseid’s understanding of the subtlety needed in control, but would seem to take Scott’s rebellion out of his own hands…except that at the moment of his escape Darkseid still offered him a choice, implored the boy to allow him to “complete the destruction of Scott Free – so you may live with the majesty that is the power of DARKSEID!” And instead he turned his back on his god and chose to be what he is.

Barda: Shockingly, great as she’s been since, her background is often severely mischaracterized. The shorthand is “love saved her and turned her from a servant of evil to a champion of good!”, but that’s…while not entirely wrong, a bad way of presenting it. When she leaves Apokolips initially, even after she starts hanging out with Scott Free and Oberson after having helped the former escape years earlier, she still believes in Darkseid. She fights and hates her former allies not because she’s turned against his vision of the universe (this is in fact a major aspect often overlooked - under Kirby Darkseid’s agents don’t simply fear him, they sincerely believe in him and his vision of how the universe works) but because she sees them as loathsome, brutish executors of his grand design. In short, she doesn’t think it’s the system that’s the problem, but a bunch of bad apples. It’s her experience with freedom and simple pleasures and life on Earth, her lingering guilt over the death of her friend Auralie as eventually manifested in her protection and training of Shiloh Norman, and yes, her eventual realized love for Scott, that brings her around to realizing she truly desires a life beyond what Darkseid can offer.

Forever People: Okay I actually don’t have a ton to say about the Forever People, though I do think they’re underrated and underutilized. Naive and in over their heads as the frequently are they’re also the best of their peers, believing in freedom and transformation and the potential of those around them to become better - their defining moment for me is when they reassure Sonny Sumo that having the power of the Anti-Life Equation doesn’t make him a monster. “Where we come from the Anti-Life Equation is one of many others–almost as awesome!! But they merely exist!! It’s we who live!!”

Metron: The big figure I haven’t really been able to crack. Machinery as not necessarily cold mechanization but extensions of ourselves and our souls, and able to nourish them in turn, is a big aspect of Fourth World, but Metron as the embodiment of mechanization and knowledge feels like not just an outsider as he’s framed but one who never quite became whatever Kirby had in mind for him, making his crucial role at the end of Hunger Dogs a bit of a non-sequitur for me. I’d be curious to hear what other people think.

Desaad: God Desaad’s been made boring. Not that he isn’t fairly one-dimensional under Kirby too, but his craft and awful glee as the god of torture isn’t just in strapping people to tables and poking them with unpleasant tools, it’s in manipulating their emotions and agonies to a fever pitch - he should be such an unsettling figure, and instead he’s a simpering helpless toady.

Highfather: Not a perfect figure, given how he’s framed with the likes of Fastbak, and the Forever People, and the Pact, willing to deploy fear as a weapon in the name of peace as Darkseid will use chaos in the name of a larger order, but always trying - as with Darkseid, an imperfect vessel of what he represents, but capable of growth and realization as a leader.

Steppenwolf/Heggra: Essential to understanding The Pact, they’re the old ways of the world and war, petty despots and warrior-kings, supplanted by fascism in Darkseid.

Darkseid: So I’ve discussed Darkseid before in terms of his broad use and ideas, but the very specific ways Kirby presented him have their own dimensions. In the world of superheroes he’s larger-than-life and often such in here too, but in rare moments, and by the end entirely as all artifice is stripped away? Kirby’s Darkseid is a profoundly human figure. He recognizes the irony that the Forever People believe in letting all be who they are, for that very need to fulfill himself is why he must pursue conquest (“And of course - that’s the pity of it!”). While he thinks to himself “Oh, how heroes LOVE to flaunt their nobility in the face of death! Yet THEY know better than most that war is but the COLD game of the BUTCHER!” he too believes in “Boldness! Risk! The raw meat of existence!” even as he consigns himself to the role of puppetmaster rather than warrior. He does or so he tells himself “no more than what HAS to be done!!” rather than indulging in cruelty for its own sake. He dresses up in ridiculous costumes for his schemes, he gets sarcastic, he recognizes honor and respects worthy foes, he feels love, he craves the laughter of a friend, he fears the obsolesce of his preferred way of doing things, he tells himself that should he achieve omnipotence others will find “eternal shelter”. He’s a person, one capable of a range of emotions, but he is the TIGER FORCE AT THE CORE OF ALL THINGS regardless…not because he is a mythic unstoppable force, but because every day he rises and believes in himself over all others, because there is a black hole within him that he can only hope dominance might fill regardless of what pain he finds in the process. But as Mister Miracle’s battle with the Lump foretold, when left truly alone over a world that is himself he will be only within “a self-made prison”, reflections of his own fear and agony.

[deans-haunted-baby]

The Ones Left Behind

Alrighty time for some truth bombs. I’ve had almost a week to absorb the end of Supernatural and season 15 as a whole. And I think this is the moment where I need to throw in my two cents. For all intents and purposes I won’t go in-depth into 15x20 seeing as that conversation will just open up a whole other can of worms and I don’t need that headache. I have my reasons for being less than indifferent with how the Winchesters’ story concluded. So I won’t go there.

Instead I’ll be focusing all my energies on the unsatisfying conclusions of 4 particular characters. Two of which were main cast members (one that was on the show 12 years and one 4 years) while the other two (played by the same dude) were brought back after a decade long hiatus for a much-anticipated comeback only to be wasted and mangled unfairly by Dabb and his hack horde of a writing staff. Call this a follow up to my last post. If I sound bitter I am because these people don’t have a single clue on how to helm these characters, their relationships or their storylines 😠 Nor do they deserve them.

And yes I’m well aware of Kevin Tran, Rowena, Ketch and several others who got the shaft on this show. Those could be future posts for another time.

But I cannot stress this enough; ADAM MILLIGAN, JACK KLINE, MICHAEL AND CASTIEL ALL DESERVED FUCKING BETTER. There is no arguing these facts, none whatsoever. Not one of these characters deserved that exit to be the final chapter in their story. I won’t do an entire analysis of each character’s arc and role in the show as I’ve already done that in my rant about 15x19. But I will highlight how much season 15 royally screwed over these characters and tossed them aside like trash; as if none of them were ever part of/contributed anything to Sam and Dean’s history/world building of Supernatural’s universe.

*WARNING* This is going to get heated.

Before I dive into the heart of these issues I want to state this is not a “shipping post”. I don’t ship anyone on Supernatural, hopefully this blog has been pretty self-explanatory. So I have no arguments/opinions in those areas. I’ve been a fan of this series for 15 years because of the characters, the familial bonds and relationships formed between characters throughout its run. And I’m well-aware that the Winchesters are the lead protagonists of the show, no need to remind me. These are purely my own thoughts based what I’ve obtained from show canon. Let me just say I can’t get over just how much these writers contradicted and ignored what they put forth in the journeys of these four individuals. its a real headscratcher.

You mean to tell me that after TWELVE DAMN YEARS of Castiel being a rebellious warrior angel, searching for his own identity and meaning in life; making that promise to Kelly Kline about raising Jack as his own/risking his life for him. After sacrificing himself for his son a year ago, acknowledging he was satisfied with his role as a father which restored his faith; that it was all because of/for Dean Winchester? 

You mean to tell me that after Michael, THE PRINCE OF HEAVEN and PROTECTOR OF HUMANITY, was locked away in a cage with a human whom he emotionally bonded with for thousands of years (10 years our time); who was abandoned, betrayed and manipulated by his neglectful/abusive father. After choosing free will and aligning himself with TFW for humanity’s sake, just sided with the Earth’s destruction because his little brother called him names? 

You mean to tell me that Jack, A THREE YEAR OLD CHILD, who’s barely just beginning his life and spent his entire duration on the show wanting to be normal and not wanting to be special. Connecting and being integrated with humans; a child who’s biggest fear was outliving everyone he ever loved. Is suddenly ready to walk away from his family, his home and his teddy bear; to give up being a kid forever and run the universe?

You mean to tell me that Adam, SUPERNATURAL’S MOST INNOCENT CHARACTER and FORGOTTEN THIRD-WINCHESTER BROTHER, after being eaten by ghouls; pulled away from his mother out of Heaven, manipulated by angels, trapped in Hell for thousands of years because Sam and Dean left him there to rot. After coming back and helping his neglectful siblings save the world only to be ripped away from his best friend and THE ONLY OTHER PERSON who gave a damn about him; is sentenced to a life of loneliness, homelessness and turmoil until he dies and ends up in Hell where he’ll mostly be tortured and turned into a demon?

NO. I DO NOT AND WILL NEVER ACCEPT THIS BULLSHIT! 

Season 15 not only manages to contradict itself where these characters are concerned (while assassinating them before the final curtain). But the writers deliberately discarded them before giving us that *sarcasm inserted* epic solo-Winchester conclusion. Regardless of how you feel about Adam, Castiel, Jack or Michael, ALL OF THESE CHARACTERS are connected Sam and Dean’s story and part of Supernatural. And when you throw them away like they mean nothing, you’re essentially throwing away a part of the show’s history. You’re ignoring 15 years worth of story building. 

As I said I’m not going to go into 15x20 for reasons, it doesn’t offend me as much as what was done before that finale. Because I think those other show exits really affect 15x20 even worse than people realize. You want to know why, I’ll explain.

Lets start off with Castiel and Jack, OH BOY! We know where they end up; running Heaven and the Earth together which is all fine and dandy. I love my Dadstiel father/son duo being an endgame family unit. But here in lies the problem, we never saw it. Not even a cameo. And technically their onscreen storyline ends at 15x18 and 15x19 which is an ugly, anti-climatic bookend to an incredibly deep relationship that had 4 years of development. First you have Castiel who completely forgets why he made that deal with the Empty to begin with. HIS FUCKING SON. Not to mention it wasn’t about true happiness it was about giving himself permission to be happy; there is a difference. And then you have Jack wandering around next episode, vacuuming up power cause suddenly he’s a machine now, acting like he doesn’t give a shit over losing his dad to an entity HE’S BEEN DREADING ABOUT FOR A FUCKING YEAR. 

Towards the end of season 15 I noticed neither of these characters were acting like themselves. Their motivations, their personalities and strong ties to one another had mysteriously dissolved. Castiel became less concerned about the danger his son was facing after 15x15 (what the hell was that in 15x17?) and more about speaking when spoken to by either Sam or Dean. Does he know how Dean truly feels about Jack; proclaiming the child is “not family”? I doubt the in-character version of him would let Jack leave with Dean after that insult. Castiel’s not even worried whether or not his son is alive or safe before he makes the big confession later. And for some reason Jack (who’d become heavily suicidal) was more concerned with clinging to the Winchesters, willing to die for them, instead focusing on himself and the one person who’s shown him nothing but unconditional love and given him strength since birth. Both of these characters are canonically depressed and suffer from low self-esteem that was never resolved which makes me furious. 

When Chuck killed Jack at the end of season 14, this devastated Castiel in the first half of season 15. He actually got to grieve that loss throughout the episodes and deal with his anger over it, allowing the audience to anticipate the day they’d be reunited one last time. This part of Castiel’s S15 arc also ironically mirrors Jack’s S13 arc of mourning Castiel’s death until resurrecting him. And when this son finally returned to his father, who got to rescue him, it was such a poignant moment between the two. It was a cathartic payoff after witnessing Castiel in so much pain over Jack. There was so much building up between that Dadstiel reunion in 15x11 and the Empty’s pact in 14x08; this was suppose to be a tragic yet pivotal plot-point in both Jack and Castiel’s stories. And with SPN wrapping up we all expected something BIG. Yet somehow the writers retconned the whole thing by making it all about Dean, which is such a gross disservice to these characters and 4 years of storytelling.

For instance, since 15x18 was Castiel’s exit episode, why wasn’t he allowed to hug his son or Sam goodbye one last time? Why didn’t he have more of a focal role instead of standing around majority of the episode with barely any dialogue as so much precious air time was wasted on frivolous things? Why didn’t he get one last badass fight scene with someone like Death instead of being choked out and tossed around like a powerless mortal? Why did the group need to be split up to begin with when it served no purpose either than that *ugh* moment? Why wasn’t Jack allowed to call Castiel “dad” once before the show ended? He deserved to hear his son address him as dad!

AND WHY THE HELL COULDN’T JACK FEEL CASTIEL’S DEATH THE MOMENT IT HAPPENED? 

The show already established to the audience the significant cosmic bond these two characters shared since before Jack was even born. It was so powerful it boosted Castiel’s grace. Jack could remember who Castiel was from the womb and that he’d protected his mother. Not to mention HE FUCKING RESURRECTED CASTIEL OUT OF THE EMPTY ONCE WITHOUT GOD’S POWER. You’re telling me Jack couldn’t feel his dad being taken away forever despite how far apart they were? No, he’d feel it in his heart. Had we’d been given a scene like that at the end of 15x18 (something of substance) with actual grief shown in 15x19 maybe the episode would’ve faired better for them. 

That said it wasn’t, because Jack was treated the exact same way in his final exit. Hardly any lines and just a bunch of scenes of him standing/walking around until that pathetic reveal at the lake. HE DOESN’T EVEN GET TO INTERACT WITH JAKE ABEL’S MICHAEL/ADAM which would’ve been a great follow-up to the AU!Michael storyline in seasons 13 and 14. I swear these directors didn’t give Alex and Misha any motivation during their last three episodes and it’s evident in their hollow performances. But why would they when the scripts are basically telling their characters to quickly fuck off so the brothers can have their final outing. Jack doesn’t even behave like himself after he becomes the new God. His personality is apathetic, cold, alien, stiff and way too mature for the 3 year old child so closely connected to his family/the human world. In that moment I saw Alex Calvert not Jack Kline. It’s bad enough he doesn’t get a meaningful farewell but again Castiel, HIS DAD, is a complete afterthought to this kid 🥶

And that’s what we’re left with. Forever. A frigid, hollow ending to one of Supernatural’s most healthy, touching, family dynamics. It makes you wonder what was even the point. I can’t even fully enjoy the fact that its canon Jack and Castiel are together fixing Heaven because of what the show presented onscreen as their last hurrah. It’s not sitting right and it makes 15x20 even less appealing to me.

Moving onto Michael and Adam. Get ready for this. I could rant forever about how dirty my boys were done by this show. How they were discarded in the SPN series finale recap etc. just as they were FOR THE LAST TEN FUCKING YEARS. Was there even a plan going on here or was this just everyone making things up as it went? Their ending is the most unsatisfying and cruel thing because its INCOMPLETE. There is no real closure or resolution with them thanks to the monstrosity that was 15x19. AND NO ONE CARES ENOUGH ABOUT THEM TO GIVE A SHIT. 

Much as I’ve enjoyed this show for many years, it NEVER deserved Jake Abel, his talent or his time. I keep seeing so many anti posts about Dean Winchester’s final fate in Supernatural and all I can think about is “try being an Adam Milligan fan for the last decade”.  I’ve had to watch this boy go through hell with nothing to show for it either than years of memes. ridicule and the show’s mockery in forgetting him. Actually he’s the ONLY CHARACTER in this series you’re encouraged not to remember 😡 Also quick question: why give us this really interesting and healthy relationship between an archangel and its vessel if nothing was ever going to become of it? 

At this point I don’t know why Adam or the idea of him was even introduced way back in season 4 let alone revisited in season 5. Because the only thing I see when I look at this character now is SAD WASTED POTENTIAL. Storylines never explored. Relationships that never got off the ground. Backstory we never got to see (like for instance his past with John Winchester and his time in the cage). A character’s birthright (Men of Letters) that was never actualized. AND the unexplained factor that Adam could look directly at Michael’s true form without his eyes burning out (making him a special case). And the thing is he could’ve been a really great character, both him and Michael. They could’ve easily reached popular status just like Castiel given the chance since Jake is a freaking acting-powerhouse. We were given a taste in 15x08 just how awesome these characters could be and how they could’ve contributed so much to the story and its core group. But unfortunately it wasn’t meant to be.

Michael will never redeem himself after years of scrutiny and being made out to be some kind of unhinged monster. This show constantly enjoyed pounding into our brains how fearsome Michael was. Warned us via Lucifer (LUCIFER, PEOPLE!) that he wasn’t rational, compassionate and didn’t care about anything except war, death and destruction. And that he was incapable of feelings and emotions. This is how Supernatural saw Heaven’s Prince and guardian of the Earth. Christ, they actually did a two-year storyline about an evil Michael from the AU world who enjoyed torturing and killing while trying to destroy the universe. I want to know WHAT THE HELL THIS SHOW’S WRITERS HAD AGINST THESE CHARACTERS? Why they felt the need to bring back Jake Abel, AFTER A DECADE OF FANS WANTING THIS, if it was simply to piss all over his characters one last time before the show wrapped. This is absolutely unprofessional and childish; the fact that Jake is taking this bullshit in stride makes it all the more shameful 😡

We could’ve learned so much more about Michael’s past and his present relationship with Adam. These characters didn’t need to sit in the cage for a decade they could’ve easily been incorporated back into the show as far as season 8 or 10! And been an asset to the Darkness storyline in season 11.There were characters and storylines introduced that served no purpose. Why did we need to keep seeing characters like Charlie Bradbury or (as much as I like him) Crowley or Garth (love him too) or Lucifer or Abaddon or the Wayward sisters? I would’ve much preferred having Adam and Michael around and got to know them instead; especially after 15x08. I would’ve wanted to see what their dynamic with TFW could’ve become had they been long-time allies. Did John ever tell Mary about Adam’s existence? I’d like to see what her reaction would’ve been like had the Winchesters remembered him during that damn 300th episode. I guess that’s another loose end untied.

But because of what Supernatural did to these two characters, it forever taints Sam and Dean. I don’t think Dabb or purist fans realize this. But when new viewers come into this show about two brothers preaching important things like “saving people”, “family first” or “family don’t end in blood” they’re going to see how badly the main protagonists treated their innocent half brother. How Castiel and Jack were treated. They’re going to see the heroes of the story abandoning this kid in Hell forever with no intention of EVER rescuing him. And that’s why their final appearance leaves such a bad taste going into 15x20. Cause as much as Dabb and co didn’t give a shit about Adam and Michael they also didn’t give a rat’s ass about protecting Sam and Dean’s integrity. That’ll be a stain they can’t undo. 

So through all of it, we’re stuck with the abomination that is 15x19 aka the eye-soar to an unfinished/unpolished story of two horribly disregarded characters. Michael gets the pleasure of being character assassinated right before he’s stupidly killed off instead of going out a hero or becoming the next God (as it was his birthright and the setup was there in the narrative). And Adam gets killed off-screen, OUT OF HIS OWN DAMN BODY, then brought back by Jack only to live a miserable, isolated existence since his brothers have nothing to do with him (the dog and car are more important); his best friend is dead, he has no job or money or a fucking home and he’s legally dead! Really what is there left for him besides the brutal fate awaiting in Hell when he dies?  

SERIOUSLY THEY COULDN’T GIVE US ONE SCENE WHERE THE WINCHESTERS CHECKED IN ON ADAM TO MAKE SURE HE WAS SAFE?! 🤬 His last scene pretty much sums up this shit for what it is. Tragic. I feel like crying for this poor sweet boy.

Congratulations Dabb, BL and co for giving us these much deserved broken story arcs of characters you destroyed and made OOC before leaving the airways. You did your show’s protagonists justice by doing this *sarcasm inserted* after 15 years of being onscreen. I doubt these idiotic decisions are going to age well in the long run. They certainly don’t look good on the Winchesters. Anyway that’s my hot take for the day. 

ALL THESE ACTORS AND THEIR CHARACTERS DESERVED BETTER.

[dangermousie]

So, I am reading more MTL of Mistakenly Saving the Villain (if you use deepl it actually makes a really good MTL for this one, better than Paranoid Emperor and way better than Qiang Jin Jiu) and:

1. SQS is beginning to figure out that Yue Wuhuan’s legendary bad luck seems hella deliberate on the heavens’ part. It didn’t really click for him when YWH mentioned back way when that he had many opportunities to discover the slave trader’s true intent but always somehow missed it as if fate was directing him. And SQS did wonder why heaven was giving YWH a lightning tribulation way beyond his level during foundation building as if it was trying to kill him but then he took the hit on himself and ten year coma so it makes sense he didn’t think about it when he woke up. But then the Phoenix kite YWH goes to fly for him gets its string severed and the Phoenix (and Phoenix imagery and terms keep being used for YWH) comes crashing down because an ant chewed through the string at precisely the wrong place and SQS starts going “what are the odds of that?! The hell?!” And in the latest chapter, when YWH tells him how he got the blood vine and says his luck seems to have changed for the better, SQS is thinking “really?” Use your genius brain, SQS since nobody else can - yes, YWH is arguably even more brilliant but he’s too damaged and too enmeshed to figure it out.

Side note: I am hella spoiled for what is actually going on and the concept of a whole world created and precisely tailored to torture you is horrifying. Though, if you think, isn’t any different at first than the seeming original set up - if you, like seemingly YWH, are created to be a minor tragic character, then the universe IS focused on torturing you. So no wonder SQS doesn’t think anything of it at first (even taking into account that he thinks he rescued the novel protagonist and not a minor character slated to gruesomely die) - but when he rescues YWH and so the story’s mistreatment is him should have ended but he still seems to have a heavens’ put target on his back - that’s when SQS starts thinking and I love it!

2. It’s established with no muss no fuss that modern day doctor SQS and this world’s immortal cultivating doctor SQS are one and the same - their soul is the same etc. Not clear if they are reincarnation or soul fragments or what but I don’t care, it’s awesome either way.

3. You have succeeded making me feel bad for An Long. Jeez, everyone in this needs decades and decades of therapy. But as someone who’s read the ending, I find his and YWH’s different approaches at the end - An Long, like the rest of the deities, takes a memory wiping potion because he can’t bear to remember what he did and what happened in that world, and YWH, whose existence and what happened to him in that world is worse than anything the rest of them experienced put together (I mean that world was literally created to break him so) chooses not to because forgetting the horror would also mean forgetting the love and care and salvation of SQS. Swoooon!

4. That kid in medicine valley is cruising for a bruising but honestly I hope YWH doesn’t murder him because he’s also a victim even if not as extreme and he needs THERAPY (they all do omg!) but if he keeps going, YWH will probably bury him under the floorboards because any kindness, mercy or empathy in him are long gone.

5. SQS’ dream turned nightmare where he sits and studies all day and has literally no emotion and comprehends none and the only pleasure in his day is watching the Phoenix fly through the heavens and that is how his world acquires color and he comprehends emotion and then he wakes up crying because the Phoenix is gone!!!!! Spoiled me is rolling in it.

6. SQS is actually the perfect person to crack the uncrackable puzzle not just because he’s logical and smart but because he has the mind of a researcher in a sense of no matter how many times an experiment fails he will not give up but do a new approach and redo redo redo redo thousands of times.

7. I love (I mentioned it before) that SQS has his own damage and his own pain - he is not saintly to YWH because he doesn’t comprehend suffering - he is compassionate and patient and loving with YWH because that is his nature. That passage about how he was separated from everyone by his illness and how he felt as a burden to his family because he saw what it did to them and was relieved to die (that line that after he reincarnated, he never thought of them again because he knew they were best off without him and shouldn’t miss him!!!) is gut punching. And the cultivator incarnation felt the same honestly in a sense of having nothing to live for - that is why the OG Song Qingshi let An Long kill him right when the novel started (AL lost his temper and did it accidentally but as SQS points out, his body’s protections would automatically activate and the fact that they did not was because he didn’t mind dying - he couldn’t give his heart but his life he can give since he doesn’t mind one way or another. That’s horrifying!!!! But not surprising - it’s consistent how he completely disregards pain or is willing to pay with his body (not that way) for things and just...)

8. The fact that they are now necking on the reg is lovely. It’s very young teen tbh but how appropriate - for very different reasons, neither got proper teen development hormones or relationships or anything so for them to be able to do the sweet fumbling without it leading to anything more and it being so satisfying seems appropriate. And honestly it’s super healing to YWH’s particular toxic cocktail of issues - he wants SQS badly but if SQS actually exhibited genuine physical desire beyond kissing, it would freak YWH the hell out (since he associates that with dirtiness and horror - he’s either going to hate himself more thinking he is so horrible as to taint pure SQS by making him experience desire or start wondering if SQS is somehow like the rest of the world.) Slow and easy is honestly necessary here. And that way he gets to feel loved and gets to have the touch he craves and it’s SQS insisting he’s not dirty etc, but without the rest. And honestly, SQS also needs it very slow because it’s clear he’s in love but sexual desire is only now beginning to wake up in the smallest sense - he loves kissing but he is not physically turned on. In a way, despite how long he’s been around, he’s a white sheet of paper and is slowly coming alive but it’s sloooow. (Honestly, except for the fact that long term it would cause issues for YWH who despite his trauma does have a drive, it would have been interesting to have SQS actually asexual (but not aromantic). I do think even once he does discover he enjoys sexual activities, he’s not going to be particularly libido driven. He will want YWH because he loves YWH, but outside of that no.)

9. I get viscerally uncomfortable reading about YWH’s mysophobia not because I share it but because his coping strategies about it which barely allow him to get ahead of it are - it just hits.

Anyway, this novel is awesome!

[ben-the-hyena]

Rewatching the PV movie, the Captain at the beginning of the movie when he met human Pandora and Fernand was like he was in the 3 first comic books of the original continuity : entirely badass, serious, grim, more a leader than a father figure (well he barely met the kid lol), very chaste and courteous in his courting and introduction to Pandora, and tragical. Indeed after the badass rescue, he shows he is somewhat sad, apologizing with guilt to Pandora despite that mutual love at first sight to have doomed her and her child to be undead without their consent but he had no choice, sadly sighing and commenting that yes flying is one of the few good things when he sees Fernand is having fun with his newfound ability, telling him and Pandora with a sad regretful tone and look that they won't ever age again which they don't mind at all for the moment... in short when he was not serious or in fight mode he was a sad man

Given how he later says he was punished for his radical actions as a living man and how in the original continuity in the first book he says he was cursed to navigate forever until meeting a woman willing to die for him (Pandora) which is even referred to when he hears Pandora about to be sacrificed praying for her life in exchange for her son's and he reacts "you would die for me ?" (Implying that it means that at first he would take it literally before meeting her eye to eye and falling in love with her), we can conclude, if the curse's end's condition was kept in the new continuity, that he had been sailing for decades feeling lonely and guilty thinking of everything he did alone

At this moment, Joann Sfar was returning to the old roots of the grim, serious and tragical Captain before he had changed his mind and made him the disaster dad and husband we love from the 4th book of the original continuity and so on, incorporating him in his new continuity by justifying it : he was lonely and cursed until Lord knew when. All that mattered was breaking the curse and sometimes feeling alive again by fighting mortals, and he was tired of his undead afterlife probably preferring being just alive or even just dead, finding it long and sad ridden in his shame with no one to really open up

But then he falls in love with the woman he saves, and feels guilty to have turnt her and her son into undead people (vampires in their case) since they touched the cursed ship. And his long monotone afterlife routine suddenly becomes stressful since the incel he thought he had beaten becomes a Reaper and runs after them for revenge. So for the vampires' safety they have yo be continuously moving around the world for 228 years until finding an abandonned house in good state and putting a magical charm that hides them, and finally they can breathe for 72 years

But as stressful as that running around was for over 2 centuries, it was because for the first time in a long time he cared for 2 people. His feelings for Pandora increased the more he knew her and saw how strong, smart, fun, witty, firey, determined and brave she was, to the point of ending up marrying her (it is never said when in 300 years however) and force of knowing and protecting him too he developped fatherly feelings towards her son to the point of seeing him and loving his as his own and developping a mutual father-son bond (Fernand saying "my parents" and getting angry when the Gibbous points out the Captain is not his dad). For the first time in forever he HAD a goal : protect people he loved and who loved him back. And that kept him going and determined for centuries and kept him busy instead of constantly thinking about what he did. In fact it made him move on and genuinely become a better person, a husband and a father. Plus, in fact, he was no longer alone since now he has Pandora with whom he shares a fusional relationship (mutual jealousy aside when potential rivals are around) confessing their feelings to each other, leading together and working and making decisions together as well as being romantic and goofily lovestruck with, and Little Vampire to whom he teaches things, has as much parental importance to as his mother, plays with, talks with since he values his intelligence and legetimity as a being and is gaga for and proud of, he cherishes him like his own

The movie's continuity is technically better since it gave the Captain a subtle logical evolution. He used to be tragical and serious, scary and grim, because he was lonely and cursed. He was probably depressed. But when he finally got a family and a purpose to stay living dead instead of dead dead, he finally became the goofy spouse who adores his other half à la Gomez with mushy petnames and the father figure we know and love who is fun to kids and shoves pistols down the throat of people who hurts them. They cured him by coming in his life

That day, he didn't just save them. They also saved him

[hamliet]

Pain, Fear, Death, and God: Fyodor and Gogol as Two Halves of Kirillov

God is the pain of the fear of death. Whoever conquers pain and fear will himself become God.

-Alexei Kirillov, Demons

So remember how when I first read Bungou Stray Dogs I started screeching incoherently and turned those screeches into a somewhat-coherent meta on how Fyodor in BSD was modeled after Alexei Kirillov from Dostoyesvky’s Demons? 

Well, here’s the follow up.

As I said in my previous meta, Demons is (tied with Crime and Punishment) my favorite novel of all time, and Alexei Kirillov is my very favorite character of all time, in any fictional medium, ever. He’s a walking bundle of paradoxes, existential angst and stunning compassion. But Demons is not necessarily a popular novel by Dostoyevsky standards and so Kirillov, despite being written about by literary critics and Camus, is somewhat obscure. That Asagiri is so clearly inspired by his character is shocking and thrilling for me; I’m pinching myself. 

The tl;dr version of Kirillov is that his whole schtick is that he wants to kill himself to prove that he is free and thereby can escape. It’s far more nuanced and complex, as I’ll go into, but essentially both Gogol and Fyodor’s philosophies and goals reflect this.

Gogol does not want to kill Fyodor because he hates Fyodor; rather, it’s because Gogol and Fyodor are two halves of a whole. They are a paradox together, embodying Kirillov’s complexity. Like Kirillov, they are suicidal, because killing one of them is like killing themselves. To achieve their goals, they both need to die. 

Fyodor reminds Gogol that he is human and can connect; therefore, Gogol wants to kill him to assert his free will, as he views connections as a cage. Similarly, while we haven’t gotten much insight into Fyodor’s thoughts on Gogol, I think it’s highly likely Fyodor allowed Gogol to kill himself (he thought) because he clings to his beliefs at the expense of his (very much there) empathy, and it’s better for his goals if people who provoke his empathy die. Basically: Fyodor allowed Gogol to “die” not because he doesn’t care about him, but because he does. 

For a brief background: Demons itself is an allegory about how people who become consumed by their ideas become possessed by said ideas; thus, they become devils or demons. The actual title of the novel, Бесы, is difficult to translate, hence why it has three different titles in English: The Possessed, The Devils, and Demons. The word “Бесы” in Russian refers to the ones doing the possessing, which is why the latter two are generally considered to be more accurate translations of the title. In particular, the novel demonstrates the tragic consequences of Russian nihilism and singles out moral nihilism. (It’s also looked to as a rather eerie novel, because almost everything it wrote about happening in a--then fictional--political revolution is exactly what happened in Russia a few decades later.) 

As I wrote in my previous meta, Fyodor, like Kirillov, is “consumed” by his ideas, something Kirillov laments in Demons. Fyodor’s consumption with his ideals means that he is willing to sacrifice everything for his goals. Gogol, too, shares this trait. 

Where they differ is in motivations for their respective plans, motives they share with Kirillov. Kirillov’s master plan is to commit suicide for two reasons: firstly, that he has free will and will thereby inspire society to live freely, and secondly, because he sees life as nonsensically painful and thereby not worth living. The first reflects Gogol’s personal aims, and the second Fyodor’s.

Let’s discuss Kirillov and Fyodor first. Kirillov believes that mankind invented God (keep in mind the context this was written in; God=Russian Orthodox Christianity) to go on living because of the absurdity of life. 

Listen: this man was the highest on all the earth, he constituted what it was to live for. Without this man the whole planet with everything on it is--madness only. There has not been one like Him before or since, not ever, even to the point of miracle. This is the miracle, that there has not been and never will be such a one. And if so, if the laws of nature did not pity even This One, did not pity even their own miracle, but made Him, too, live amidst a lie and die for a lie, then the whole planet is a lie, and stands upon a lie and a stupid mockery. Then the very laws of the planet are a lie and a devil's vaudeville. Why live then, answer me, if you're a man.”

Fyodor's disgust for the world and determination to save it from the sin of abilities reflects this same attitude. Life is wrong, so it should cease to exist. Abilities are wrong, so everyone with one should cease to exist. The reason is, most likely, strongly based in how painful Fyodor’s ability has been for him.

Kirillov laments:

“God is necessary and so must exist… But I know He doesn’t and can’t… Surely you must understand that a man with two such ideas can’t go on living?”

...

“If there is no God, then I am God.”

If Kirillov is god, then he is the ultimate master of his fate. Kirillov is very aware of his own limits, and so he thinks this absurd and life pointless. 

That conversation continues (Kirillov’s responses are bolded):

“There, I could never understand that point of yours: why are you God?”

“If God exists, all is His will and from His will I cannot escape. If not, it’s all my will and I am bound to show self-will.”

“Self-will? But why are you bound?”

“Because all will has become mine. Can it be that no one in the whole planet, after making an end of God and believing in his own will, will dare to express his self-will on the most vital point? It’s like a beggar inheriting a fortune and being afraid of it and not daring to approach the bag of gold, thinking himself too weak to own it. I want to manifest my self-will. I may be the only one, but I’ll do it.”

This very much reflects Gogol: killing his high moral power (connection and empathy) through the man who identifies himself as a god (Fyodor) to prove his independence and freedom. 

But we’ve kind of already seen where this ends:

Gogol you’ve literally shown yourself terrified of dying (which Kirillov is as well). I know Gogol was likely acting in this scene, but given the themes of BSD and Gogol’s character, plus the fact that he did, in fact, choose not to die, I think this is likely somewhat reflective of his true feelings.  

But again, Kirillov asserts:

“I am awfully unhappy, for I’m awfully afraid. Terror is the curse of man.… But I will assert my will, I am bound to believe that I don’t believe. I will begin and will make an end of it and open the door, and will save. That’s the only thing that will save mankind and will re-create the next generation physically; for with his present physical nature man can’t get on without his former God, I believe. For three years I’ve been seeking for the attribute of my godhead and I’ve found it; the attribute of my godhead is self-will! That’s all I can do to prove in the highest point my independence and my new terrible freedom. For it is very terrible. I am killing myself to prove my independence and my new terrible freedom.”

As Gogol outlined, what disrupted his plans was Fyodor’s empathy for him, and his empathy for Fyodor. Their connection literally saved his life (hence I kind of doubt their connection will kill them in the end). He cannot die without killing that connection. 

Two things almost disrupt Kirillov’s plans. Firstly, and chiefly, it’s his empathy for others. Kirillov is noted to be a character who is extremely kind, good with children, and unafraid to risk himself to help others. When Kirillov finds out his friend betrayed him and is planning to use Kirillov’s suicide to get away with the murder of a third friend, Kirillov is horrified. He refuses to go through with his suicide at first, screaming in horror that his friend is dead and that he unwittingly enabled his killer to end his life. When he does ultimately go through with it, he states that it is because “I want to kill myself now: all are scoundrels.” He goes through with it because his human connections are failing. 

Even the novel’s most villainous character concludes “I agree” when Kirillov is called “good.” Kirillov will stop at nothing to help his friends, and he believes all people are good and will become good if they are just told they are. However, the tragic irony of this scene is that the person speaking to Kirillov--Nikolai Stavrogin--is very much a literary example of a psychopath. (Those of you who follow me know I don’t use that word lightly.) However, Stavrogin does not want to be this way; he wants to feel, he wants to be bothered by the terrible sins he’s committed. What he’s asking Kirillov, essentially, is to understand this and call him wrong for what he did, which absolutely no one does in the novel:

“Everything’s good.”

“Everything?”

“Everything. Man is unhappy because he doesn’t know he’s happy. It’s only that. That’s all, that’s all! If anyone finds out he’ll become happy at once...

“And if anyone dies of hunger, and if anyone insults and outrages the little girl, is that good?”

“Yes! ...They’re bad because they don’t know they’re good. When they find out, they won’t outrage a little girl. They’ll find out that they’re good and they’ll all become good, every one of them.”

“Here you’ve found it out, so have you become good then?”

“I am good.”

“That I agree with, though,” Stavrogin muttered, frowning.

“He who teaches that all are good will end the world.”

“He who taught it was crucified.”

“He will come, and his name will be the man-god.”

“The god-man?”

“The man-god. That’s the difference.”

Stavrogin’s examples are based on things he’s done. Kirillov isn’t aware of these deeds, but he does know his friend’s mind better than most of their other friends. The problem is that Kirillov refuses to truly act on this empathy, to accept that men can be scoundrels and good, because he wants what he believes (that all are good) to be so. Kirillov’s too consumed with his desire to end the world (hello Fyodor) to save mankind via proving himself free to actually use his empathy to help his friends. In fact, the murderer points out to Kirillov that if he’d focused more on his friend, he might have been able to prevent the murder. 

A similar attitude is reflected in Fyodor’s desire to destroy ability-users (i.e. end the world) and in his interactions with people. He doesn’t put his empathy into forming actual connections, and those he has he deliberately does not invest in (such as when he kills the kid in his introductory chapter). He kills ability users paradoxically because he cares about them and about other people. I wrote about it a bit in this meta here:

Fyodor... lives very much in a world of black and white. He makes Goncharov happy all the time, unable to experience pain or negative emotions. He believes all ability users are a sin and should be destroyed. He’s an idealist in a lot of ways, believing in absolutes (which is also a hallmark of a childish perspective...).  he wants to... force every single ability user to feel his pain (that their abilities are a sin) by wiping them out. In short, Fyodor wants empathy despite refusing to listen to the feelings of others. (He understands their feelings; he just chooses to emphasize his pain over theirs.) 

Unlike Kirillov, however, whose last scene is renowned as “the most harrowing in all of literature” (I can’t even describe it; it has to be read) I think there’s pretty good reason to hope that Fyodor and Gogol will not end up taking each other out. Because the thing about Kirillov, the reason his character resonates so much with me, is the second reason his plans are almost disrupted: it’s how desperately he wants to live. He just wants to know that his life matters. The way Kirillov expresses these desires is absurd in a lot of ways and certainly hyperbolic, but it’s a desire reflected in most of BSD’s characters, and in, well, a lot of us in real life, too. 

Empathy and genuine human connection are the greatest powers in BSD’s world, as we saw recently through Atsushi getting the location of the page from empathizing with Sigma by telling him what he most wanted to know: that he mattered. 

Sigma now knows, to an extent, that he matters. At least, he’s been told as much.  

Gogol states that Sigma is key to his plans succeeding: Sigma’s ability can tell him Fyodor’s ability, which will enable Gogol to kill Fyodor. Except... Sigma’s ability might just work in an way that cultivates empathy post-connection with Atsushi. If Sigma can trust that he matters, despite having been created by the page and having been abused and subjected to all manner of lies and exploitation, he might be key to Fyodor and Gogol’s conflict resolution rather than to them actually killing each other.

Fyodor matters despite having an ability that seems to make him unable to touch people--because he can touch people with his empathy. (His empathy is, of course, literally what draws Gogol to want to kill him.) Fyodor’s empathy with Gogol has already physically saved Gogol.

Gogol matters even if he is understood by someone, because empathy is a strength and not a weakness. Someone understanding him doesn’t make him matter less, and being bound by feelings isn’t actually a bad thing. His connection with Fyodor has already saved his life.

Both Fyodor and Gogol have now saved Sigma at some point. Sigma’s design, of course, is literally split with two different colored halves of his hair, indicating that the artist likely means to symbolize the clash of two halves (see: Q, who represents how soukoku (Dazai and Chuuya) are two halves of a whole in terms of their best and worst traits). However, they exist in one person, and Sigma seems reasonably stable for someone with his situation. 

Additionally, Fyodor and Gogol both are also somewhat modeled after Rodion Raskolnikov, the protagonist of Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment, whose name literally means “split” in Russian. (Actually, Kirillov is very much a more internal, tragic version of Raskolnikov.) Like Kirillov, Raskolnikov is a paradox embodied: he’s stunningly empathetic and kind (rushing into a burning building to save orphans), but his philosophy is that it’s fine for him to kill others because he’s a “Napoleon” (special figure; “man-god,” to use Kirillov’s term). 

But what is split is ultimately made whole in Crime and Punishment. Raskolnikov meditates on the raising of Lazarus from the dead and essentially resurrects himself, redeems himself. 

I highly doubt Gogol and Fyodor’s story will end with them dead because:

It’s BSD and nobody stays dead unless you’re Oda or a red shirt; 

Gogol and Sigma have already served us fake-out deaths, so it’s a lot to ask your audience to buy another death from the same character (killing Fyodor is essentially Gogol killing himself);

them surviving and having Fitzgerald-esque redemption arcs very much fits with the themes of Dostoyevsky’s works and specifically with the book after which Fyodor’s ability is named;

resurrection seems to be a motif with everything involving Fyodor, from Cannibalism to this current arc.

[twilightofthe]

Tell me ALL your SW faves

Aaaaaa thank you!  This took a while cuz this got long, lol sorry!  Aight, so here’s ALL my SW faves for this ask prompt list!

FAVE MOVIE: Revenge of the Sith.  10000%.  It just has everything!  You get to see the Obikin relationship in all its glory, first and foremost, how much those two loved each other more than anything and knew each other better than anyone, and just how much they genuinely got along and then we got our hearts broken watching them have to fight after Anakin made his Goof Of The Millennium and just oooooof all the feels about my boys!  Seeing Padmé and just loving her so gotdang much for being strong and wanting the best life for everyone, all while she was so scared and had so little support from anyone, and just couldn’t do it in the end.  Seeing the end of the Republic, how after a thousand years, just, *poof*, just like that in like two days (yes, I know Sidious was planning it for over a decade but still), the horrific fascination on how Sidious was able to do that.  Just the brilliance of Sheev’s character, how you despise him, but how brilliantly everything was pulled off.  The angst of Order 66, how especially after TCW you love these characters SO MUCH and then you gotta watch them DIE HORRIBLY BY THOSE THEY TRUSTED, THOSE WHO NEVER HAD A CHOICE EITHER.  Did I mention feeling so freaking bad for Obi Wan and his Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day???  Because I really do, he’s so good and kind and we see his life fall apart and ugh I love him.  And y’all, watching Anakin Skywalker fall from grace like the brightest angel he was, you hate him for what he did, but you still can’t help but love him and cry for him and his loss because he was so good, and he did not deserve all this to happen to him but he did it to HIMSELF AAAAGGHHHH.  Also, Obes and Ani were at peak prettiness this movie!!  Just asdfkjglkdskajsrlk best movie love so diggity dang much

FAVE PAIRING: Oh, how EVER will I choose– Obikin.  It’s Obikin, all the way, no contest.  I know I’ve yelled about it a million and one times so I’ll save y’all the rant on how much I adore these disasters and their relationship and how I think they’re goddamn soulmates and the most interesting dynamic in the entire Saga.  I ship them romantically and platonically and just everything, they’re so fucking important to one another and that’s why it hurts so much to watch them fall apart, and that’s why I’m so incredibly happy that they get to canONICALLY SPEND THEIR ENTIRE AFTERLIFE TOGETHER BECAUSE FORCE GHOSTS HELL YEAH.  If I had to pick just secondary fave romantic and platonic relationships, hmmmm that’s hard.  BUT, I’m gonna have to go with Kanera for romantic; SWR was what got me back into Star Wars and one of my favorite parts of it was watching Kanan and Hera, how much I loved them separately, but just how much they were a team together and I love them and I was unbelievably upset when Jedi Night happened (and I still have a rant about how animated Star Wars kills off their romantic couples in the exact same manner, pls ask me about how TCW’s The Lawless and Rebels’ Jedi Night had basically all of the same plot points that ended in killing off a romantic lead).  For other fave platonic relationship, gonna have to go with Luke/Han/Leia BROT3 (separate from Hanleia as a romance, which is probs my 3rd fave).  These disasters were the original Golden Trio, they saved the galaxy together all while yelling dramatically and having each other’s backs to the bitter end (or, at least ‘till the end of ROTJ lol) and I just love them as a team so dang much

FAVE TV SHOW EPISODE: Okay, since there are four TV shows, it’s only fair for me to pick one (or more don’t judge me) from each!  Let’s see, from The Clone Wars, my fave eps have to be the entire Mortis trilogy arc in S3 because Obes/Ani/Snips family dynamic, Force Shenanigans, BEAUTIFUL scene designs, Anakin angst, just so many good things oof, and also Dooku Captured from S1, which I just adore because Obikin snark, annoying Grandpa Dooku, Hondo Fucking Ohnaka making everyone look so bad at their jobs, I just love it agh.  Whoops that was technically four faves, so gotta do four for Rebels too!  Gonna go wiiiiith World Between Worlds from S4 for Badass Ahsoka Tano, Ezra being brave and talented, Sheev being Absolutely Ridiculous, and just the overall Force Shenanigans cuz canon time travel y’all; The Lost Commanders from S2 because Rex is awesome, Kanan angst, and really good Kanan and Ezra bonding and Jedi awesomeness, Fire Across the Galaxy from S1 because of Ghost fam dynamics, Kanan angst, more Kanan and Ezra bonding, and just good stuff, and Twilight of the Apprentice in S2 (lol what about my username?) for being creepy and cool and maKING ME CRY ANAKIN YOU STUPID THRICE COOKED TOILET SEAT LEAVE AHSOKA ALONE.  *cough*  Ok, fine, I’ll stick with only one ep for the other two series.  For Resistance, gonna have to go with the latest ep, actually!  We get to see Kaz being clever and caring about his fam on the Colossus, really cool designs for Aeos and its people, Tam angst, and just everyone shining!  For The Mandalorian, it’s gotta be the finale, Redemption, we get Din name, Armorer kicking everyones asses and me loving it, BABY YODA DOING THE HAND WAVE, Din getting over his issues with droids and connecting with IG only for IG to FUCKING DIE, DIN AND BABY YODA BEING AN OFFICIAL CLAN OF TWO, Taika just knocking this whole episode out of the park with the funny scouttroopers at the beginning who still deserved the ass-whooping they got for fucking murdering Kuiil and hiTTING BABY YODA YOU SLIMY FUCKNUGGETS–

FAVE CHARACTER: Alright, look, I can narrow it down to FIVE and that is IT.  I just love too many Star Wars characters, I can’t go lower than top five!  Ok, so my four favorites are Obi Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker, Leia Organa, Kanan Jarrus, and Finn Skywalker-Dameron-Tico (i SAID what i SAID.)  AIGHT so for starters, a lot of my favorite characters in different franchises fall under various archetypes I have for faves.  Obi Wan fits one of my more popular ones: “Old, reluctant and more than slightly-questionable parental badass with a mysterious past that makes you love them all the more when you realize just how beautiful and tragic and deserving-better they were when that past is revealed”.  I latched onto this dude from the start when I just liked the OT (tho Leia was always my fave lol), and I wanted to know about him, and then when I finally started getting into the PT and TCW, it was just a steady stream of “oh no he’s hOT?” “oh no he’s sAD?” “oh no he’s nICE?!? REALLY FUCKING NICE AND A BIT OF A MESS HELP” and then I just totally latched on because he’s hypercompetent at literally everything and looks damn good doing it and boy do I have a thing for competence, charming as all hell and goes through so much and comes out strong despite the fact that fate hates his fucking guts and tries to destroy his life constantly and guys he tries so hard and he’s kind of messy sometimes and a bit of a dick and I love him all the more for it because he’s trying, none of that do-or-do-not shit, he is doing his damn best and deserves happiness and not Anakin tearing him apart.  SPEAKING OF SAND MAN.  Ugh, so I love Anakin to fucking death and that makes me REALLY MAD ABOUT IT BECAUSE HE MAKES EVERYONE ELSE I LIKE SAD.  So I love Anakin regardless because he’s not your typical protagonist.  He’s fucking brilliant, hot when he fights, is amazing at fighting and flying and building stuff and there’s that competence thing for me again, oh boy!  He’s funny and kind and he cares.  And somehow, this bitch manages to have the two most beautiful, amazing people in the galaxy in love with him and willing to do basically anything for him like the fuck?!?  Jealous much??!?!?!?!  I am!!!!  He’s so fucking bright and it’s impossible to look away.  He’s also a dorky, messy disaster who’s not good with people or feelings or emotions and he panics over stuff and doesn’t know self-control and is kinda really bad at his job a lot and pushes away the people who care about him and screws up literally all the fucking time and he always feels like he’s drowning and alone and I get to watch him crash and burn under the weight of it all.  Basically, minus the anger issues and the child murder and the murder in general, I kinda relate a lot to Anakin.  I feel like a self-hating mess who doesn’t know how to control my ow head and the world hates me a lot too.  I can project my mental issues onto him, enjoy the good parts of him, live vicariously through the things he does that I can’t like be loved by pretty people and be hot and athletic and smart, and then when he crashes I can side-eye and remember that at least someone’s doing worse than me lol.  So yea, I love this messy boi to death and he’s the one I get the best characterization reviews on, so I guess we have an understanding.  Leia I loved since as a kid.  I’d want to be her, brave, talented, smart, strong as hell and snarky to boot.  I realize that Leia fits another fave character archetype of mine: “Powerful young adult raised for greatness, did not ask for all the horrible shit that’s happened to them, highkey wants a break and for the bad guys to just roll over and die, is generally clever, hypercompetent, and 100% done with everyone else’s shit, overdramatic as all hell and enjoys insulting people”.  Her and Han were my first Star Wars ship and she just always made me happy seeing her kick names and take ass.  She’s gone through almost as much hell or maybe more so than Obi Wan, she also keeps getting back up and fighting, she deserved SO MUCH BETTER than what the Sequel Trilogy gave her and you may quote me on that.  She’s also gorgeous and I wanted to wear all of her clothes (bikini not included).  I also love her relationship with Luke and I am so goddam happy it is now canon that Leia Organa did Jedi training and can use a lightsaber!!!  She has a lightsaber!!!!!!!!!!  Ugh oof I love her.  Kanan fills the similar “mentor” archetype as Obi Wan does, but with a smidge of youth because he’s younger when he gets dropped into this role.  He’s more of a punk, more of a mess, and oof.  Basically I’ve said it a zillion times how Rebels resparked my love of Star Wars, but really, it was Kanan on the screen that did it.  It happened when the Rebels season 3 premiere eps ended up on the TV and I saw it and I thought in order 1. holy shit that Maul fucker’s actually alive? and 2. Oh no sad blind Jedi man!  He’s cool and mysterious and I want to know why he’s sad and who made him sad and also want to give him a hug!!!  He was my fave character all throughout Rebels and his training dynamic with Ezra, struggling to help this kid all while flying by the seat of his pants because he had Issues and no clue what he was doing and no support and ugh, he was smart and brave and I’m so sad he’s dead and yea.  Finn!!!!  Last but not least!!!!  He was my favorite character from The Force Awakens.  People have said it before, but he was just so new, a rebel Stormtrooper stolen and brainwashed at birth, finding the good guys and fighting to do the right thing!  Possibly Force Sensitive!  Super duper cute!!!  Funny and kind, dammit, when not many other people in the galaxy were!!!!!!!!  I was so, so sure Finn was gonna be a Jedi along with Rey at some point, that might have been my biggest letdown when I saw TLJ, but ugh I just loved his enthusiasm and his war within himself, ultimately loving his friends and trying to do what was right at the risk to his own safety, even though that was why he ran scared in the first place!!!!!  I shipped him with Rey and with Poe and now I am NOT above the post TROS Jedistormpilot shipping!!!!!  Finn was just always the most interesting part of the Sequel Trilogy for me and I personally feel like they could have done more with his character.

FAVE ACTOR/ACTRESS: Aight, so I try my best not to “stan” anyone famous because literally no one is perfect and everyone’s done something problematic at some point and if I dare say I like a famous figure, someone’s gonna find something about them and come after me all “OMG THIS PERSON DID/SAID/IS X YOU MONSTER GO DIE!!11!!1″.  In terms of performance, I think all the actors in Star Wars did a lovely job and I’m happy with all of them!  If I had to crush on any, it would probs be Ewan McGregor, John Boyega, or Diego Luna cuz, uh, they hot.  If I had to pick one I liked most, it would honestly probs be Carrie Fisher.  Maybe that’s just partially from missing her now that she’s gone, but I really admire her advocacy and transparence for mental health, and she just seemed like such a funny, kind, strong person.

FAVE PLANET: Aight, this is HARD and I refuse to only pick one planet!  Ok, gonna start off with Coruscant because an endless city planet made up of lights is amazingly gorgeous and it has a Jedi Temple stacked on top of a Sith Temple and is just so cool aaaaa.  Also love Felucia just for being so bright and colorful and pretty.  Mortis for being just as weirdly gorgeous and also Weird Force Shit.  Lothal for the beautiful mountains, the wolves, and the fucking lightspeed center of the planet passage what, Dathomir is delightfully creepy to look at, Crait is really cool with the salt and the red and the ice foxes, Kashyyyk because Wookiees and it’s pretty and I love their treehouses.  Basically if it makes me clap my dumb monkey hands and go “oooh pretty!”, I love it.  The more “not like Earth” it is, the more I love it.

FAVE SPECIES: Hmmmmm, this is a tough one…….  There’s just so many cool-looking species that we know so little about, ya know?  I wanna say either Togrutas or Wookiees.  Togrutas just because the character design is incredible and so fun to work with and also I love Ahsoka, and Wookiees because they have such an interesting culture and backstory and also I want to give Chewbacca a hug.

FAVE CONCEPT: Uhhh, not quite sure I get the question; you mean like just story concept in general?  If that’s it, I’m gonna have to go with just the whole concept of the Force and the Jedi in general.  I mean George, George my man, what the fuck?  How the hell did you come up with this?!?  Mystical psychic space wizards with magic abilities to connect with and use the sentient godlike life force that combined the entire galaxy together.  Oh and also they have COLORFUL GLOWING LASER SWORDS?!?!?  It’s honestly one of the most creative things I’ve seen in popular culture, and that makes me sad that Star Wars now seems to be trying to separate itself from what I think is its most interesting quality because “ugh not EVERYTHING should be about the Jedi guys!”, when like, y’all, without the Jedi, the entire SW universe is basically just another military scifi war story……  Just my opinion tho.

FAVE SHIP: Ok, since pairing was already up there, I assume this means actual ship?  Well, uh, gonna have to be square with y’all, I’m a bad Star Wars fan for this part; I’ve never been the one to memorize ship names and designs and know the exact make and model number of some fancy ship, I’m real bad at that lol.  I’ll say my favorite ship is the Ghost.  Hera flies it and the Rebels Fam lives on it and it’s super cool and it makes me happy!

FAVE WEAPON: LIGHTSABER.  LIGHTSABER LIGHTSABER.  LIGHTSABERLIGHTSABERLIGHTSABERLIGHTSABERLIGHTSABER.  Y’all, c’mon, what did you think I was gonna pick? xD  Lizard brain want glowy shiny colorful big stick that goes whoosh!

FAVE BACKGROUND EXTRA: Again, not entirely sure what this means, but do you mean fave background character?  If so, then it’s a tie between Wilrow Hood and his ice cream machine for the memes, that one clone in TCW who yeets a plate of toast at Cad Bane’s face, or that one background soldier who scoots between Han and Leia arguing in ESB and also Hera and Kanan arguing in Rebels (yes I do headcanon it’s the same guy lol)

FAVE MOMENT/SCENE: This one’s actually pretty easy.  Anakin dying in Luke’s arms in ROTJ, and then his ghost showing up to Luke later at the Ewok party.  I just care so ridiculously much about stupid Anakin and his stupid story and mistakes, and even before I was a prequels stan and had only seen the OT (and wasn’t a huge Vader fan, believe it or not), some part of me just felt so solemn, so fragile watching this, watching the giant monstrous machine falling apart as he fades away to reveal a weary, tired old human man, and it always made me wonder, what the hell happened to him to turn him into that thing?  Seeing that young, beautiful man, basically Luke’s age, showing up as a ghost later, just the fascination, the tender look he shared with Old Ben, just how young he was, that made it all the more mysterious and knowing what I do now, it’s just so much better because my poor, horrible Disaster Man finally did the right thing and he finally found peace and it’s just the only ending I could be happy for Anakin with,  And Luke, I always felt so bad for Luke, being so strong, so brave, finally getting his father back for like five damn minutes and then having to lose him again and just hurting for him but also knowing that it was gonna be okay because Luke had more family now, the ghosts, and Han and Leia and Chewie and R2 and 3PO and Lando and everyone.

FAVE KISS: Luke and Leia (HANG ON LET ME SPEAK) forehead kiss in The Last Jedi.  I know (this one) isn’t meant as romantic, and I know the question is probs about a romantic one and I know that it’s not even a real mouth kiss.  But.  That Luke and Leia scene was my favorite part of the entire movie.  Again, I was missing Carrie a lot, and ugh, after all these years, after not getting to interact the entire previous movie and not at all during this movie, the ONE scene with Carrie and Mark and the pure emotion of it all just knocked me out of my fucking seat.  You could see how connected they were as siblings, how much Leia had missed Luke, how much he had missed her and how sorry he was for leaving, sorry for Ben, sorry for having to leave her again now, Leia knowing Luke was about to die, and just, acceptance.  Love and acceptance.  It was just a final, tender kiss on the forehead, and it was perfect and yeah.  If I do have to pick a romantic lip smooch, it’s probably the Hanleia classic “scoundrel” kiss in Empire Strikes Back.  I still remember watching ESB the first time as a KID and being all eeeeeeee are they gonna– YES they kissed they kissed they kissed finally! and that’s enough for me.

FAVE FIGHT: Obi Wan and Anakin on Mustafar in Revenge of the Sith.  WIthout question.  It’s brilliantly and precisely choreographed to show the intricate nuances of the Obikin breakup in alllllll of its painful glory.  It breaks my heart every time I watch it because every time I watch it I still hope it’s gonna end differently.  That Anakin realizes he can’t kill Obi Wan and ditches Sidious and goes back with Obi Wan to save Padmé.  That Obi Wan realizes he can’t let Anakin die and saves him from burning and from Sidious and takes him back too.  That Obi Wan at least puts Anakin out of his misery which would be godawful painful, but would save him from the horrid life as Vader.  That while they’re fighting, a lava monster appears like in the concept art and Vader and Obi Wan have to put aside their differences and fight the thing and remember how much they mean to each other.  But ugh, this fight was beautifully choreographed and was originally supposed to be a MULTI-MINUTE SINGLE SHOT WHAT THE HELL???  Oooof Hayden and Ewan did such an amazing job and the whole thing just rips my heart out every time in the bestworst way possible

 FAVE LINE OF DIALOGUE: Now THIS is hard, I’m not the best at picking favorite lines.  Hmmm, this is HARD.  Let me think.  Gahhhh, it’s hard because I have so many lines I like and I can’t even just narrow down a couple!!!  Ultimately, it’s probably gonna be Yoda’s monologue from Empire Strikes Back: “Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter…”  Just that entire line saying how basically all of us are more than the sum of our parts, that everyone is their own sparkling light made of stardust, I loved it as a kid and I love it now. 

FAVE BOOK/COMIC: Answered here

FAVE HERO: Gonna go with Obi Wan!  I already rambled about why I love him, but y’all……. I love him.

FAVE VILLAIN: Anakin Skywalker/Darth McFucking Vader.  I loved him when he was a hero and the silly poor sad boy makes me sad when I see him as a villain all while being an overdramatic asshole and it just makes me wanna hit him with a newspaper for ruining his life and everyone else’s I love him.

FAVE OUTFIT: Answered here

FAVE CREATURE: I love Lothcats/Tookas!  I just heckin’ love cats and now there’s spACE KITTIES WITH SUPER FOOFY TAILS AND BIG EARS OMG Y’ALL I LOVE THEM I JUST REALLY DO AND I REALLY WANT ONE SO I CAN CUDDLE IT ;_;

WHEW.  That was all of the faves, thanks so much for asking me!!!  Sorry this took so long to do, this was kinda a hell week haha!

[leguin]

if the last episode is from boris' perspective how does it end??

oh, good question…i’ve been thinking about this, and i think there are two things that’d be important for a boris perspective episode: 1) he’s willing to do anything for theo (including things theo does not want him to do), and 2) as aneurin barnard said, theo’s love and acceptance of boris in vegas, and vice versa, redefined the landscape of what was possible for boris.

there’s a third thing, which i think is important for this non-existent miniseries as a whole, which is that many people live in ways shaped by trauma - boris among them. all that being said, i think in the final scene we see boris and theo in antwerp, in boris’ “artist’s loft.” theo’s just gotten off the phone with hobie, and he comes back into the room where boris is putting on it’s a wonderful life. boris asks “so when do you go back?” - knowing full well that theo has just told hobie that he doesn’t know when he’ll be coming back. (this is my miniseries, so theo ends up slightly more self-aware by the end than the book. it’s clear to viewers, after the theo episode, that theo is finally allowing himself to think about what he wants in life). anyway, theo very stiffly tries to ask if he can stay for a few days, and gets as far as “would it be alright if -” before boris is waving a dismissive hand and saying “yes, of course, anything, potter. stay as long as you want. only problem is, summer in antwerp, ehhhh” and then they get in a small argument because of course theo isn’t going to be there for six fucking months, he has furniture to rebuy, he has guilt to alleviate. maybe boris has to talk him out of leaving.

eventually, boris has theo where he’s meant to be, sitting next to boris on his bed, back against the headboard like when they were kids. boris makes theo take his penicillin, theo asks why the fuck he’s shooting up. “live by the sword, die by the sword,” etc, but we dive into it a little more - theo asks boris if he has oxys, roxys, whatever, and boris is like “potter i am not going to help you try to kill yourself again! it is just like when we were children. you’re trying to hurt yourself.” and they’ve had this conversation already pretty recently, and even though theo doesn’t totally buy that boris was (and is) ‘just trying to have fun and be happy’ by taking heroin, he does get that the difference between he and boris is that boris does what he does so he can bear to keep living in the world. and theo, who we’ve seen in hobie and kitsey’s episodes as almost ghost-like, barely existing, has just been trying to get out of it.

but things don’t have to be this way. so theo settles down, and reminds boris that boris said he’d get him soup, and boris says alright, alright, and we close on a familiar shot from the vegas episodes: the two of them watching an old movie, side by side. two people who have survived terrible things, and done terrible things, and there is something tragic in the fact that the ways in which they were hurt as children are never going to leave them (or as jd once said, “there will always be marks where the ropes once were”). we’ve just spent however many episodes seeing that the only people they’ve ever been this comfortable with is, for boris, just theo, and for theo, just boris and his mother. are they stunted in some way? maybe. but despite everything, they have managed to grow. this time theo is just comfortable enough to lean his head onto boris’ shoulder, completely sober, and boris, who’s spent a decade with the crushing knowledge of how he’s betrayed theo, and still hoped against that one day he’d have this again, is happy. and theo, who no longer has a painting to hide, who’s functionally no longer engaged to kitsey, who feels like he can breathe a little, after suffocating himself for so long - theo settles into the bed, and leans his head against boris, and smiles a little.and roll the credits.

[jeidafei]

The Core Message of D.Gray-Man

In my opinion, every story has something to tell. So what is D.Gray-Man actually trying to show us beneath the layers of all this tragedy and deaths?

This is my wild guess!

P.S. This is just my opinion, everyone! Every story conveys several messages and we are all free to interpret what the core message is in each work of literature...or whether they have a message at all...(I believe they all do, though!)

What is the core message of a story? A very clear example would be Aesop’s fables, which all end with “The moral of this tale is...”.

Most stories don’t just shove the message right into our faces from the get-go. In fact, most stories didn’t set out to preach at all, and the authorーsometimes even unknowinglyーdevelops the core theme and message as the story progresses. And part of the fun for me as I read novels and manga is figuring out the core message stories are trying to convey.

As D.Gray-Man is still ongoing, there are possibilities of plot-twists and new revelations, so I’ll state my guess for the story as of now (Chapter 230). 

And most importantly, if you’re an optimist like me, this core message might have already ensured that D.Gray-Man will have a HAPPY ENDING.

Though it does not necessarily mean Allen will survive, though...

1. Denying the Fate of an Exorcist

The message is there from the very beginning.

Yes, the bomb dropped pretty fast. Too darned fast most peeps including me wouldn’t notice. I’m talking waaay back into the first volume. Over a decade ago. We folks might not recall much, but we'll definitely remember this signature quote from Allen:

"Fate has got nothing to do with this. This is the path I chose by my own free will."

Yes, folks! The BIG SPOILER BOMB has dropped. This whole manga is all about....

                                                Fate Versus Choice

In this scene, Allen is denying what the Grand Generals and Cross Marian have told him: that by being born with Innocence, his fate had been set in stone by God himself, and to fight to the death as an Exorcist is his destiny.

Allen, however, assures Mana that he walks this path for he himself had chosen it. To atone for Mana. To save the suffering souls only he could see.

He's not doing this because Godーbecause Fate forces him to. It’s his own choice.

Allen's choice to become an Exorcist is what sets him apart from most ーif not allーExorcists from the very beginning. Other Exorcists usually joined through pure necessity or by being forced to fight by the Black Order. It’s more like can’t help it and I’m born to do this rather than I chose this. And this, as Dumbledore would put it, makes all the difference in the world.

And though some of them, like Lenalee and Kanda, later embraced their fate bound by Innocence, it's only due to having no other choice; Lenalee knows she can't keep living her daydream of a world without Akuma, and finally accepts that the only way she could protect her world is to fight.

Meanwhile Kanda first accepts his Innocence solely in order to survive and find his lost love, then later to repay Allen for his kindness. After he's done with that, then he can finally get his long-overdue rest in peace. Krory destroys Akuma to make sure Eliade didn’t die in vain. Miranda can’t make herself useful otherwise. Timothy has to leave the orphanage due to the danger Innocence brought to those around him. And so on and so forth.

Allen, on the other hand, probably could have gone on living normally even with his arm activated; Cross had simply asked him whether he would like to be an Exorcist. Despite all his misfortunes, Allen had what the other Exorcists-to-be don’t: a choice. And he made it: He decided on his own to become one and atone for Mana, then later to save the Akuma, and eventually to fight alongside his friends. That is his sole purpose. Allen will not choose another path even if it is open to him, as I will talk about in the next point. 

Had they not possess Innocence, Lenalee would have chosen a normal life in China with Komui even after her parents had died. Kanda would have chosen to run away with Alma and Marie and start a new life. Lavi would have gone on training to be a Bookman. Krory stated himself that he would be content to stay locked up in that castle with Eliade forever. Miranda would have chosen anything else, any job she could do well. Timothy would have chosen to stay on at the orphanage with Mother Superior and Emilia, etc.

2. Denying the Fate of the Fallen One.

When Allen's left arm was destroyed, everyone thought his fate had been sealed. It's over. He's not an Exorcist anymore. He’s fallen. Bak Chang offered him many choices: he could walk a different path, become a Finder or some other support staff. I think he could even leave the Order, actually, seeing as nothing else binds him to the place, and be whatever he wants.

But Allen instead chooses to stubbornly walk forward on this road, even with no hope of regaining his arm, refusing to bow down to fate.

Later when he faces the destroyer of his arm, Tyki Mikk, once again in Noah’s Ark, he states that one does not cease to be an Exorcist when one’s Innocence is destroyed. He then demonstrates this by repairing his broken Innocence using nothing but his own willpower. Nothing, even destroying his arm, will stop him from pursuing his goal as an Exorcist. 

3. Denying the Fate of the Host

Yes, Allen never seems to get a friggin’ break. Right after the Invasion, he starts to learn that his beloved Mana might not be what he thought he was at all.

This is a very, very devastating blow to Allen’s personality and development. His whole life had been built around this illusion, this mask of Mana he cherishes.

He chose to walk this path primarily because he wants to atone for Mana, after all. He hates the idea of succumbing to fate, so he chose to be an Exorcist that fights with his own free will, instead of bowing down to the Innocence’s (or, in other words, God) will (that’s why he won’t let Suman’s Innocence kill its host).

Allen soon learns of his true fate: his fate is to disappear and make way for the 14th Noah to use his body to reincarnate.

But still he refuses to surrender and go quietly into the night. When Link brought him some porridge in jail and confesses to him about the Thirds, Allen said this one sentence that deeply moves Link:

“If only I knew, then I would be able to change something, wouldn’t I?”

Exactly, by trying to learn more about it all, Allen hopes to change his fate. Yet again he does not obediently accept his fate. He then leaves the Order to do so, vowing to Lenalee that no matter what fate throws at him, he will always remain an Exorcist, as he has finally found his home amongst his comrades in the Order. He also refuses to accept his fate and disappear even at Cross’s insistence, as he believes that if he continues to walk he might be able to change his fate, or at the least inspire those who walk the same path as him to fight.

Don’t stand still. Keep walking has always been the words Allen lived by, and may actually translates to Never stop fighting against fate. By coming to a stop on your path, you are accepting that fate no longer has a future laid out for you, and you simply await your end: your chance to change things is zero. By going on, walking on even when the end looms ahead, there is still hope for a better tomorrow.

And as Cross most wisely and beautifully put it: Our path is not laid out before us from the start; but the earth hardens and forms into our road after we have walked upon it. He is saying that there is no such thing as fate; our lives are decided solely by our own choices.

Really, the Hallow OP said it all:

「誰一人邪魔をさせるか。初めて自分で選んだ道だ」

I won’t let anyone stand in the way...of this path I first chose for myself.

4. Link’s confession to Kanda

This recent(?) piece of evidence is what seals the deal for me, actually. The penny drops in this scene Link confessed he fervently hopes Allen will be able to win against the fate of the host:

"There’s someone I want to save...

If heーif Allen Walker could really triumph against his fate as the host...then I want to be there to see him make it.

If it’s true that people could choose any future they want simply by following their hearts, then I want to know the source of their strength."

In my opinion, when Link said there's a person he wants to rescue, he is talking about Tewaku. He's hoping to see Allen win against such a hopeless fate, so he could finally believe in the power of choice himself, and use that inspiration to spur himself to save Tewaku and his remaining Third friends. Link, though he had started to have doubts about Lvellie, is still too weak-willed to openly defy his fate as Lvellie's dog, and relies on Allen to make him believe in himself. And if my noobie writer's sixth sense is to be trusted, THIS scene confirms that the core message of D.Gray-Man is indeed trumping fate, against all the odds. 

And this is why I say DGM would probably have a happyーor at least bittersweet ーending: Even though DGM has always been a very tragic manga, the message of friendship, love, sacrifice and perseverance in the face of impossible adversity is always portrayed as having an optimistic outcome. Characters may die or suffer a lot throughout the series, but every arc ends on a positive note.

This is what sets DGM apart from stories like Attack on Titan, whose message is cynical and pessimistic, and if any dude starts spouting idealistic crap you might as well just stick a death flag on his head, and not a single arc ends positively.

Hoshino-sensei herself said that no matter what happens, Allen will always have friends by his side. You won't see that kind of heartwarming note with AoT. So if the core message of DGM is winning against fate, you can be quite sure DGM won't betray it and will show Allen winning against fate in the end.

5. Even his personal motto confirms it.

The latest guidebook, Gray Log, has revealed Allen's personal motto: To wait for fate is to wait for death.

Exactly, Allen. Literally. 

6. Even his fate as the host is something he chose by himself

Yes, this is the real deal. This is why I say that there is no such thing as fate for Allen; even the so-called fate he is fighting to change right now is actually brought about by his own choice.

Other reincarnations of the Noah have been doomed by random; no-one knowingly becomes one (pretty much like the Exorcists, come to think of it!), but in the case of Allen (if that past!Allen really is him) he willingly chose to become one. Why? I’d guess that maybe he believed that by doing so he could help Neah save the world...help change fate.

The Allen of then already knew the Earl is the enemy of mankind, with his soul-sucking powers. His purpose has not changed, be it 35 years ago or now; he wants to save the world from the Earl, and now he’s going to learn why he brought this fate upon himself.

In the end, after he has learned the Truth, Allen may no longer be an Exorcist in the sense that he fights on behalf of the Order and dons the black coat, but in the sense that he fights to save Akuma and mankind alike, just as he had decided when he regained his Innocence.

Allen’s journey, from the time when he was Red the circus errand boy, has always been one of finding his true home and family. Now that he has found his second true home amongst his Exorcist comrades, he will not let his fickle fate tear it away from him.

(NEW!) 

7. The Mask of Allen and Red’s determination

I stumbled across this one while finishing my translation of Lost Fragment of Snow.  

As I mentioned earlier in Number Three, we now know that Allen’s current personality and motivations are mostly shaped by his determination to atone for Mana: The Mask of Mana. He doesn’t care that much for God or the Holy War or whether the Order wins this war; Remember, he refused to help the Order’s cause by being just any support staff; he just wants to save souls (and later humans) as an Exorcist. In this way, Allen’s worldview is perhaps just as particular and narrow as Lenalee, and that is why during his training to restore his arm, Lenalee’s question of “When you close your eyes and think of the world, what do you see?” constantly had him thinking hard, and finally adding humans to his world as well.

Back to the Mask of Mana. We now know that Cross despises that mask and torments Allen because 1) It’s payback for having him mopping up his two icky Ps and nursing him for months 2) He’s a d-head and d-bag 3) Because he likes his share of booze and boobs and 4) Because he wants Allen to drop that mask and be The Boy With A Red Arm once more. 

(Why do I not simply say Red? Because actually in the Japanese text of LFS and D.Gray-Man, Red is actually just “The Boy with A Red Arm”. It’s in BRACKETS. Yes. He has NO NAME AT ALL.  For the sake of convenience I’ll go back to calling him Red for now, but we must keep in mind that Red is not a proper name.)

In Lost Fragment of Snow, Red is initially a silent, traumatized yet unusually perceptive kid. But his true personality shines out when he starts befriending Mana after Allen the Dog’s death. Just like how Allen gets frustrated by the irresponsible, improbable Cross and yells at him occasionally, Red also loses his temper with and bossily mothers the distracted, naive, slightly amnesiac Mana. The more I read LFS, the more I notice the similarity between the rant-mode Allen to little Red, and normal Allen to Mana back then. 

But Allen’s mask has existed long before Allen turned Mana into an Akuma. His first mask was the Mask of Allen.

After a fiasco in the circus during which Red lost his temper with Mana and pummels him on the head with his dormant, Innocence-embedded arm, Mana became entirely amnesiac, forgetting even his purpose of searching for Neah, and even confusing Red for his dog. 

After an enraged Cross blames Red for Mana’s plight, an extremely guilty Red decides to play along as Mana’s dead dog Allen in order to payback to Mana and Allen for the simple love and happiness they showed him. That is how Red donned his first mask and adopted his first name: Allen Walker.

Why is all this important? 

Back when Red faced impending death, thrown into a lion cage, Red was thinking in frustration and despair about how his life is meaningless, his existence pointless, that he is helpless and powerless, simply waiting to be killed. During his childhood in the circus, Allen/Red repeatedly lamented having no power to change his own fate. He yearned to escape the hellish circus and make a better life somewhere, but with his disabled arm he was unable to do so. 

Evicted from the circus, and with the circus later destroyed by the Millennium Earl, for a while there Red had no clue how to proceed with his life. This is no different from the time Allen lost his arm and had no clue how to keep walking on. But then Red saw the amnesiac Mana and remembered how he destroyed him, and decided that atoning for Mana will be his new reason to live on.

Yes, Redーnow Allenーhas always lived to fight fate when it dropped him into terrible spots, to find meaning for his life. And that journey has led him through THREE turning points on his road, after all of which he still chooses to live to atone for Mana Walker. 

But then, along came Neah’s resurrection and the unfurling truth behind Mana. And now that (in the latest chapter) this Boy With The Red Arm has returned to Eddystone (which is actually Edinburgh according to lots of our dissatisfied readers XD), where he had first donned his mask of Allen Walker, he must question his reason for living and take action one last time to change his fateーand perhaps finally live for himself. 

After listening to the theme song for D.Gray-Man Hallow, I must say that though the anime’s quality (and decision to replace Ms. Kobayashi) might be up for debate, this is the best and most relevant theme song for Allen. 

Key-Bring it on, My Destiny mainly talks about the Path of One’s life, of choosing between crossroads and keep walking on with free will. Once I was researching suicide in Japanese culture, and I came across an interesting explanation of the importance of The Life Path for Japanese people. The Japanese of old seem to view life as one single path set out for them. Once they came to a standstill or hit a wall in their way, they feel as if their life is over, and thus many chose to end their lives. Unlike western culture, the Japanese do not seek an alternate path.

In my opinion, the concept of walking on one’s road and challenging that road is becoming more and more significant in D.Gray-Man. Allen has always been very fixated on one goal. He viewed his life as one road he cannot deviate from, and falls easily to despair whenever it seemed he could no longer live as he had chosen to. Cross reminds him that his life path is not straightforward but meandering. One’s fate and life goal can change during the course of one’s life. And understanding that, Allen finally sets out to face the truth behind Mana so he can decide what he should do next with his life. 

The concept of living on by yourself after the death of your loved one has always been another central theme, obviously, of D.Gray-Man. Allen early on said he came to understand that the tears of Akuma are not tears of hatred, but love and grief for the bereaved who could not find the strength to live on alone. But Allen himself is still unable to move on from Mana. In a sense, with Mana living inside of him as his Akuma eye, with Allen “wearing” Mana like a human suit, Allen is an Akuma himself. And thus his story might end with him exorcising himselfーby finally stepping out of Mana’s shadow, putting the past to rest, and freely choosing his own future.

End of uber long rant. Will add more when I could think of more XD

[imgilmoregirl]

The Secret Affair

AO3 Link

Notes: Okay, ok, many apologies for the delay and for only answering your lovely coments now. Life got in the way and although I had this chapter ready to go for days I could only post it now, but I hope it is worth the wait.

Chapter Five

William Gold could barely look at Isabelle French for the next few days. He felt ashamed for using the mere remembrance of her angelic face to bring himself off, mainly when he was pretty aware of the rumours the town's folks were spreading about him ever since he brought that young teenager to work on his shop. Milah had heard them too, but he had only used this as a pun once or twice, addressing how wrong everybody was because if he ever tried something, she knew Belle would ran away, screaming in horror. Gold didn't think about himself as a handsome man, not even an attractive one, but he had to admit that his wife's quips made him feel even worse and uglier than he ever thought he could be.

He was missing Belle. Liam had silenced her every single time she tried to start a conversation, kept his distance and freaked out a bit when she started to sing so lovely all of the sudden during her daily cleaning. Staring at her was something he had decided to forbid himself from doing, remembering about the weight of her body above his, was another thing he was avoiding, so Liam restrained himself to staying in the opposite room from Belle. That however, didn't mean his heart wouldn't race when she arrived his shop every afternoon or that in the night he wouldn't accidentally dream of her, he was getting obsessed and he knew it very well.

Gold had been looking for a new pair of shoes for his son on the internet the day after he expelled her from his shop when an interesting link made him end up in a website that belonged to a big bookstore. Liam had only meant to see if they had anything Neal could like when he found himself typing the titles of Belle's favourite books. He bought them and paid for the express delivery, just to find himself marvelled by this fictional world his beloved girl so adored and, of course, now he knew why. The books were so incredible that it only took a day to read each of them and when he finished the second, Gold knew his period of silence with her was definitely over.

In the moment Belle arrived that afternoon, Liam found himself sure of two things. First, what he was feeling for her wasn't just some kind of mad lust or inappropriate desire, it was way more than that, he loved her brain as much as he loved her body. Gold was definitely falling in love with her, like he had never fallen for anyone before. Second, the fact he had read something she liked so much, made him feel anxious and excited because he knew a person's interests touched deep into their souls, even more when it came to a book with such a lovely story.

"She died," the landlord said as soon as the door closed behind the teenage girl, making her arch an eyebrow at him.

He was standing behind the main counter with his document box opened in front of him, fingers dusting the borders of the papers as Belle walked towards him with an inquiring glare on her face.

"Well, good afternoon for you too, Mr. Gold!"

"No, no," he interrupted. "I don't want to talk about amenities today I want to know why exactly you love a book where the main character dies at the end."

Shock passed through Belle's face as she followed the trail of his pointing finger to the two new copies he had on display. Her mouth fell open beautifully, causing Gold to smile a little as he watched her processing the information.

"Oh, you read the books!"

"I did and I'm quite angry," Liam pointed out. "I liked Melina very much."

There was a new, special shine in her eyes that could have made the whole wide world stop to stare and admire its rarity and Gold thought himself very luck to witness - and be the cause of - it.

"Well, so did I, but that's what makes the book special," Belle answered with a shrug, dropping her bag down to a corner on the floor before picking up his books and flipping up some pages as she smiled for herself. "Gideon learned how to be brave and how to open himself up for love when he met his soulmate, Alma. His sister, Melina, however already knew both but she had to be set free and find the hero in herself, so when she made that sacrifice to give her family a better life, she completed her task."

Ah, that was not now Gold had read that ending. Yes, that was what the book said in somehow but he couldn't just interprete Melina's sacrifice the same way Belle did, otherwise it would make him remember about his past and about how unfair everything was and he just couldn't accept it. Liam knew thinking this way made him blind and stupid, but those were not the kind of stories someone looked for when in need of a good romance, like he had thought when Belle first told him their titles.

"That's tragic, not beautiful," he stated, exasperated. "If she was such a good person, then why did she have to die?"

"To show Gideon and the others that the beauty of life is living it to its fullest," the girl replied, simply, laying the book back to its place and lifting up her blue eyes, the twin gems he loved the most, to him.

"It's still a pity that her daughter, Harriet, never got to truly know her."

She tilted her head a little, analysing his face and making Gold's heart skip a beat. He wished to cup her cheeks and caress the rosy flush with his thumb to know if her skin was as soft as it looked liked. Belle sighed softly, the kind of sigh that showed only her deep attachment to the story and licked down her lower lip before starting to speak.

"Gideon and Alma couldn't have children so raising her they had the family they had always wanted," she reminded him. "You know, when my mum first read those books to me, I cried a lot, then she looked at me and said 'Belle, this story is not as unfair as you think, it is just how life happens without the lies of a perfect, fairy tale happy ending' and after that day I never saw things the same way I did before. I think a part of me grew up with this lesson."

"So it seems," Gold answered in awe. "Have anyone ever said you're special, Belle? Fascinating even?"

"No, but I'm flattered, Liam," the girl replied with a giggle.

There was a certain powerfulness in the moment that he couldn't simply explain. They were looking into each other's eyes, grinning like fools and lost in the magic that seemed to be circling the room, however it didn't last long, because Belle bite down her lip and looked away from him, which made Gold feel like he had to do the same and act as normally as possible, after all he wasn't a teenager to be flirting with her, he was a responsible adult, a married man and a father. He needed to give himself some respect.

"Uh, how are you doing at school?"

"Just fine," Belle shrugged pushing herself on her heels as she turned around to look for her usual cleaning products. "I have the best grades, the teachers like me, my friends are excited for the graduation..."

Of course, it was her very last year at High School. Liam didn't know much about how the kids acted these days but when he was her age this was a big thing, even more if you had the grades needed to be accepted into a great university. He had always been smart just like Belle and leaving for college was both exciting for him as a pride to his family. Gold imagined that Belle would do amazing whatever she chose do to and a part of him wanted to see from close sight the successful woman she would become along the years.

"What do you plan to study at college?"

"I was thinking about Journalism," Belle said wonderingly. "My English teacher, Mr. Glass said that he is willing to offer me a scholarship at Storybrooke University if that's my choice, he believes I have a brilliant future."

"I agree with him, but such a smart girl like you could even make it to Harvard if you wanted to," the landlord pointed out.

Her cheeks flushed a bit and she clutched the duster to her chest. Belle looked like a modest lady from decades ago, so sweet and darling the way she was. The girl toyed with the feathers tapping the front of her shoes on the floor as she smiled at him.

"Thank you, Mr. Gold, but I think that it would be too much of a big daydream for me," she muttered, dropping her eyes down to the counter. "I will go wherever a nice scholarship takes me as I have no money for college at all."

"What a pity."

"My father is like the tower in which Melina was locked by the King when he found out that she carried Alfonso's child," Belle told him with a sigh. "The tower took away her freedom and my father took mine when mum died."

Gold's breath got caught on his throat. He could see the unshed tears shining in Belle's eyes, she was fighting against her own will of simply starting to cry and allow herself a moment of weakness. Liam knew how it felt and he had seen many, many people about to tear themselves apart in front of him - and because of him and his cruelty - to know that she should be in agony inside.

"I'm really sorry about your mother, sweetheart," he whispered as tenderly as possible, taking a few steps towards the girl and tilting his head so he could look into her eyes and show some empathy. "She was a kind woman."

"Indeed."

The word came out of her mouth as a weak, trembling sound and she couldn't take it anymore. Belle let the tears stream down her face as her chin wrinkled and her lips wobbled a bit, the weight of her pain, still very fresh, was like a shadow on her face, covering the kind light she used to irradiate with a sorrow that was very unlike her. He knew this kind of sadness, he had felt a great loss too and every single day when he looked at his wife's face and saw nothing, no real feeling, he felt it again. It hurt like hell and he didn't want his reference of heaven to be drown in it this way.

"Dry those tears, dearest," Liam murmured as he lifted up her face with the tips of his fingers. Belle sniffled and swallowed hard, tightening her lips in a silly attempt to show him a small grin. "You look prettier when you smile."

"Do you think I'm pretty?"

She sounded unsure, but almost flattered which made Gold's cheeks burn a bit, so he dropped his hand down, looking away from her to not allow the girl to notice his discomfort.

"Ah, well, I think everybody does," he mumbled almost mindlessly, tapping the pads of his thumbs against the golden handle of his cane. "You have always been a beautiful girl."

Another sniff. Gold fished the handkerchief from his suit jacket's pocket and handed it to Belle, watching as a bigger smile appeared on her lips and she used it to dry her eyes.

"I have never found someone who thought like you, except for Ruby and Jasmine, but that doesn't counts, Ruby is bisexual and Jas is just the nicest girl in town," Belle rambled.

"I bet the boys from your school would agree with them."

"I'm not sure," she shrugged. "The only boy I've ever dated, my neighbour, Gaston, thinks I'm a skinny, naïve fool. He only dated me because he wanted... A night, which he didn't get."

Gold felt a lump appearing on his throat, his hands becoming fists as he thought about another touching that precious girl. He knew he had no right of feeling jealous this way, after all she was nothing to him and he was still a married man, but he felt like he needed to protect Belle and more than that, he wanted her. If she was still a virgin, he had to be her first.

It probably sounded like madness, like the thoughts of a pervert which made him remember about the time he had read Lolita many years ago, however Gold told himself that everything was different. He wasn't using her, she wasn't so young as the girl in the book was and he definitely wasn't a maniac who looked for teens just to satisfy himself. Liam was fascinated by Belle, only her, and he was desperate in need and desire because she was the special creature that inhabited that beautiful body.

Smiling Liam took a daring step towards her and did something he didn't quite imagine himself doing for real. He cupped her cheek, dried her eyes and then lowered his hands to her neck, where he could feel her pulse quickening.

"He is the fool then," Gold said with confidence. "Any man would be lucky to have you, because you're not just beautiful, but because you're amazing."

Where he found the mad courage to do what he did next, Liam will never be able to tell, but he knew that it was there, making his coherent thoughts disappear as he obeyed his body only. Gold bent down and brushed his lips softly against Belle's, however when she responded to that kiss and pressed hers back with urgence, he couldn't help but to open up his lips and allow their thongs to meet as he dropped his cane down to the floor and ran his hands on her hair, then her body. She was all she could feel. Her mouth tasted as cherries, her kiss was passionate and a bit inexperienced, her hair felt soft, the curve of her back perfect for his hands, her bottom...

All of the sudden, Gold pulled away. He had gone too far, he wasn't thinking clearly and he knew that he shouldn't have done this. Belle was panting right in front of him a confused, but still lustful look in her eyes. Gold sighed, already knowing that he couldn't do this to her.

"Liam..."

"I'm sorry," he immediately said. "Shit, I'm so sorry."

"It's ok, I..."

"You have to forget it, Belle," Gold emphasized, taking a step away from her and taking a hold of the counter behind him as he felt his heart beating madly and his lower body starting to react to his desire for her. "We need to pretend it never happened, do you understand?"

Belle nodded repeatedly. She looked slightly scared now and he couldn't even begin to imagine what was going through her mind in that moment, he just wanted her to go away and leave him to his sins.

"Y - Yes."

"I don't need you more today, dearie, go!" Liam demanded but she didn't even move, so he yelled in a rude tone of voice: "Now!"

Eyes slamming shut, Gold heard the sound of her high heels tapping on the floor as she left the shop and he was left behind to work with his needs with his own hand.

...

Belle was shocked. More than that, she was stunned, confused, angry and breathless all at the same time, which meant that she couldn't go straight home, so she headed to Bear's, the biggest grocery store Storybrooke had. Although she didn't have a mirror in hand and couldn't see herself, Belle was pretty sure her cheeks were flushed and her eyes still bulged in surprise. Gold had kissed her, he truly did it but then stormed out and casted her away.

She didn't know what was his problem, why he was always acting on the edge of his feelings, it was frustrating and made her want to slap him as hard as she could. Belle had to admit that she liked the bastard, she liked him more than she should and by the way he made out with her at his shop, Belle was sure that he did like her too. There was only one problem, or better saying, two. First, Liam Gold was at least 30 years older than her, second, he was married and had a son.

From all the possible futures Belle had imagine to herself, this was the only one she couldn't have pictured even if she used all her creativity. She never thought she consider being the mistress of a middle-aged man, nor that this idea would please her so much. Belle had to take a long walk through the store to calm herself down and be able to breath properly again without looking like she had run a full marathon, however, stopping to think about Liam was something Belle couldn't quite do no matter how hard she tried.

She was still worrying at her lip, remembering about the kiss, when she arrived home. Belle didn't see anyone in the living room, so she headed straight to the kitchen and pulled the bags she had brought on the counter, taking the ingredientes for her recipe out of them.

"Little Bee," she heard her father say in a sluggish way that let it clear that he had been drinking more than two bottles of beer.

"Hey dad."

"How was work today?"

Belle swallowed hard, looking down at her paper bags and sighing, finding herself unable to answer the question, otherwise she would break down in tears and her face would become as red as a tomato with shame and desire.

"I'm going to prepare your dinner," was what she said instead. "I bought beef, sausages, carrots and pepper so I'll have your favourite meal tonight."

"How was your work?" Moe repeated.

Another sigh. Belle couldn't even look at his eyes, afraid that he would find out what had happened just by looking at her face.

"I was thinking about some smashed potatoes or maybe some rice too," the girl continued.

"Belle," Moe yelled, slamming his fist against the counter and making her jump in place. "I'm asking you about your damned work!"

"It was ok," she guaranteed, shrinking as she looked up and pulled on her best blank expression. "Why is it so important?"

"I went to Granny's for lunch today," her father said and she already knew something bad was coming. All gossips started at Granny's. "Leroy was there talking with Ingrid and one of her nieces about you and Gold."

"Oh papa..."

"They said he is getting his way with you," Moe continued. "Leroy even suggested that you never really worked properly there that you only pay the rent with sexual favours."

She felt her throat closing and blocking the air. Belle had heard what the town was saying about them a million times but she didn't imagine even for a second that they would reach her father's ears. It didn't matter to her what they thought, however it really seemed to bother her father and more than that, he seemed to believe in them.

"Papa," Belle gasped. "Oh my God! How can you even think that of me?"

"It's Gold, Belle! He is a dangerous fox, he might yet try something," he replied, exasperated. "I know he wouldn't forgive our late rents so easily!"

"Seriously?" Belle asked, arching an eyebrow to him. "Listen to me, dad! I was raised to be better than that, mum always taught me to be a good girl! So even if that was what Mr. Gold expected from me, I wouldn't do it."

"Right," Moe breathed. "Alright, I'm sorry."

Another sigh escaped her as Belle reached for a knife and cutting the ends of each carrot she had bought, a good excuse to not have to look at her father's eyes when he was saying those things and she had been thinking and wishing to do then all the way back home.

"Well, if you excuse me then, I have a dinner to cook," Belle said and saw with the corners of her eyes when he left the kitchen in silence.

...

Months later.

The bag was behind the couch ever since Belle arrived home from Milah's party with a decision made. She had texted Gaston asking where he was a thousand times but had no answer so what she had to do was to wait by the window, hoping to see his car arriving after his fun night at the Nolan's house. Belle was impatient, the fact that he hadn't slept in his own house alarming her a bit. For the past few weeks she had been struggling with morning sickness and feeling anxious didn't help anything with it, which made her decide that slipping out and waiting for him in front of his garage would be better.

Belle took a deep breath, eyes watering at the thought of what she was about to do, the remembrances of her time with Liam breaking her heart more and more as they came up to her mind. She reminded herself that she was doing this for her baby's sake and reached for her bag's handle, picking it up as she opened the front door, prepared to leave, however, her arm was hold back and Belle found herself looking up at her father.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"Papa, I've told you that Gaston and I are going to New York to visit some universities," Belle answered with a roll of her eyes. "We've agreed to that."

"Yes, we did, but that was before I found this," Moe said, abruptly taking a pregnancy test from his shirt's pocket. "Who is the father, Belle?"

Her whole world stopped in that moment, she wasn't prepared for that, Belle hadn't even planned telling her father about the baby in a near future and now he knew it and he was angry. She pulled away from him, covering her still flat stomach with a hand as if she should hide the child from his hateful glare.

"You didn't have the right of entering my room and taking my things!"

"Who is the father?"

"It's none of your business," Belle yelled. "I'll be eighteen in a few weeks and I'll take care of my child on my own, you don't have to worry about us."

Something between a bitter laugh and a grunt left Moe and then the most unexpected thing happened. He raised up his hand and slapped her with all the strength he had, making Belle lose her balance and fall against the window, feeling the mark of his hand burn on her cheek as tears of pain and sadness came to her eyes.

"Do not speak to me like this, girl," the florist said in a rude tone that made her feel like he was a giant, cruel monster. "The rumours are true, aren't they? Gold has been using you! That's where the flowers and the gifts came from and that's why you have been staying at the shop until late, you've been whoring yourself."

"How dare you?" Belle gasped, petting her belly mindlessly. "I love him, alright? And he has loved me and cared for me more than you ever did! I have no shame in saying I laid with him and I'm having his baby!"

"No, you're not," Moe assured, pulling her up from the floor using only one hand which pressed her arm so tightly that Belle was sure it would leave a bruise. "You won't ruin our family's name this way, letting the whole town know you have fucked a married man!"

The hate she was feeling towards him stopped for a moment. Belle stared at her father in the silence of their house - the house she once considered a loving home - and blinked in a painful confusion, a silly disbelief that daughter could only guarantee her father one last time.

"What do you mean?"

"You're getting in the car, Belle, I'm taking you to a clinic in Boston and we are getting you rid of this problem."

She was right, Belle thought sadly, she was right about him, he was the town's real monster.

"No! I'm having my baby, you won't do this to me," the girl yelled fighting to free herself from her father's grip and failing miserably. "This is my life, my body, my choice, papa!"

"You're seventeen, you have no idea how this is going to ruin your life," Moe said, pushing her out of the house and slamming the door shut as he dragged her towards his van. "You'll get in the car whether you want it or not!"

"No," Belle protested, finding herself unable to pull away from his grip. There was no sign of Gaston's car, no neighbours on the street, simply no one in sight, but she had to try, for her baby, so she screamed: "Help! Please, someone, help me!"

[purplesurveys]

275

Another one of these because there’s nothing like looking back at your most traumatic years and opening up about them in a room full of strangers. [Elementary School] Do you still remember any dreams you had a a child? Nope. Young or old, I’ve always forgotten most of my dreams upon waking up. What was your favorite game to play back then? I played tons of Filipino games. I’m listing them down even though nobody would know how they’re played–patintero, Chinese garter, 10-20, piko, ice ice water, langit lupa, luksong tinik, and lots of clapping games. Everyone also played dodgeball in grade school. How many best friends did you make through the years? My best friend was constantly Angela even though she made many friends herself and put me aside when we were kids. She has always been my go-to. I was always shy as a kid and so I never made another best friend. How many enemies? Ugh, there was this girl named Niña who was just a huge pain in my ass. She was a consistent bitch and man, she was the devil. Her mom was a complete sweetheart so I don’t know what happened to her. Did anything tragic happen to you when you were little? Yeah, alcoholism ran in my family and it gave me a twisted view of alcohol and family life up until I was around 18.

Did anything absolutely amazing happen? There’s this water resort called Club Manila East that we frequented almost every weekend. I felt like a kid there, made temporary friends, and swam to my 5 year old heart’s content. Its quality has degenerated over the past decade or so and I haven’t been there in that time frame, but I’ll always remember it as one of the places I’ve had the most fun in. How was your relationship with your parents back then? Fine but I’ve always been a little distant with them since they never tried to build a relationship with me. My mom’s position at work then didn’t allow her to be at home whenever I was so I never saw her nor bonded with her. My dad has worked abroad since I was 2, so the same thing happened. Did you believe in cooties? No. That was never a thing here. Did you ever get a cootie shot? A what now??? What was your favorite snack to eat? Oreo O’s and Twix, when they were still flower-shaped. Local junk food was also a favorite of mine. Did you own any pets during this time? I did. I had tons of goldfish. We had chicks a couple of times, too. The house we lived in wasn’t conducive for dogs (too cramped) so we didn’t have one. What was your personality like? My family didn’t really encourage me to try new things, make friends, or explore at all...so growing up, I had no idea how to be and as a result I had virtually zero personality. I was a very shy kid with zero creativity, and was too afraid of people to try reaching out. What was your favorite song[s]? The entire High School Musical soundtrack was my jam. What kind of toys did you like to play with? I liked toy soldiers more than Barbies since I grew up with male cousins who had the former, as well as robots and other action figures. I also played with any kind of set–kitchen set, dollhouses, doctor’s toy set, makeup set, etc. and cash registers since they had so many options to play with. The Play-Doh factory was great fun, too. [Middle School/Junior High] How did your personality change from Elementary to Middle School? My humor became so much darker, even to a worrying extent. I guess it was a result of all the traumatic things that happened in my old house + start of my depression + all my friends migrating to other countries + being isolated from my entire batch because I liked pro wrestling and metal bands at the time + my mom giving me an increasingly difficult time. I started making surveys around this time and one would see the sociopathic answers I used to give; that’s all because of how terrible middle school was. Everyone was fake, puberty killed your moods, and you're struggling to know who you are, what you want, and what you’re supposed to do. What was your favorite thing to do during this time? Staying in my room alone. If I was in school, then I liked staying by myself. I barely talked in this period. I had no friends either. Who were some of your closest friends? Angela but during this time she found other people who were more stable than I was, so I was temporarily alone for a time. I did not become friends with Gab until the seventh grade. How often did you get involved with Middle School drama? I was mostly invisible except for that one weird time in sixth grade when rumors were spread that I was in a relationship with Andi. Just the fact that someone was willing to start a rumor about me was strange in itself hahaha I was such a boring person. The rumor died quickly, and nothing about it was dramatic at all. What kind of "clique" were you in? Or did you not beleive in cliques? I hated the idea of cliques, and I wasn’t in one till late high school. I was literally all by myself. I didn’t even form or join a group with the other loners; it was just me. How did people treat you? I was virtually nonexistent to so many people. Gabie had no idea who I was until we met, even though I knew her since we were 4. Do you look back on these years fondly? Not one bit. Fortunately my brain did me a favor and removed a huge chunk of middle school, so when I try to look back on it, I hardly see anything from that time at all. What was your typical kind of lunch during school? I don’t remember anymore. What school[s] did you go to? I went to an Assumption school in the Philippines. Was it really as bad as some people say Junior High is? At least in my experience, it was. Did you like to read? I did. I read a lot and it was partly why everyone chose to ignore me: because I always had a book with me. What was one good memory you have of this time? Meeting Gab and having my life subsequently get better and easier. Were you still enemies with someone from elementary school? Yes. I haven’t talked to her in nine years. If you could go back and change one thing, what would you change? Let’s keep it simple: for my depression to have never formed in the first place. [High School] Are you still in High School? No, I graduated two years ago. Who were some of your close friends? Athenna, Angela, Sofie, Gabie, Katreen, Hans, Fern, Kaira, Aaron, Chelsea, Eva, Rap, Raf, Jez...man they were a lot and I can’t list them all. We were a riot in high school. Who were some of your enemies? I had no time for enemies in high school. How did your personality change from the previous years? I became more open; for some reason it just happened. I learned how to talk to people. And then it became I wanted to talk to other people. I didn’t want to be all by myself anymore and spend all my weekdays in crippling isolation. Having friends became fun, and it made me look forward to going to school. My days became brighter. Going in, did you really think they were going to be the best 4 years ever? I didn’t think it was going to be the best per se, but I just stayed optimistic about it since I thought I could start off with a blank slate. Were they? (or are they if you're still in High School) Definitely. I grew up a lot, went through a lot, sweated and cried a lot, learned a lot. Things happened that could have only happened in high school and never anywhere else. What's one memory of High School can you look back on and grin? All the times my friend group broke the rules, made a mess, and laughed it off. It’s not high school without some suspense and being a dick once in a while. Did you ever cry while you were in school? Yeah, whenever I got a letter to be given to my parents explaining that I failed a test. I’ve always been grade conscious so those letters hit me super hard. How was your love life? I was crushing on Gabie for most of it. People teased me about Mike and for a time I did consider it, but he was ultimately not my kind of person. How was your social life? Rich. Extensive. Healthy. Did you have any teachers that you just absolutely loved? Yes. Did you have any teachers that you just absolutely despised? Yes, and they all hated me back too. Shoutout to Ms. Tin who was always mega bitchy to me! How were/are your GPA? We don’t have GPA. I did graduate with like a 93. Did you know anyone who got pregnant? No. [There's no time like the present] Do you currently have a job? Nope, I’m only in college and I’m not really qualified for a job until after I graduate from university. What kind of job do you *want* to have? Something that’ll allow me to utilize my skills, obviously. I want to meet new people, but not too many new people that it would give me anxiety everyday. What do you like to do on your free time? These days I like hanging out at Skywalk and talk to my orgmates. Watching videos and eating out has also been my favorite things to do recently. What's your relationship with your parents now? Strained. It never got better from childhood. Do you own any pets? Yup, I’ve had a lovely dog for the past ten years. How many places have you traveled to? Too many to count. We go out of town all the time and I’ve been to several countries as well. Do you own a cell phone? If so, what kind? Yeah, I have an iPhone 8. What are your goals for the future? Get a job and save enough money to move out and subsequently survive on my own. What's your favorite kind of drink? Milkshakes always get me. Did you ever get into the Twilight saga craze? You bet. What about the Harry Potter craze? No. Where is your mind at: The Past, the Present, the Future, or all around? I’m too obsessed with the future. I want to get there already. What's a really good movie you've seen recently? I haven’t seen any new ones in a while. Are you happy where you are right now? Like I said in a previous survey, I’m never happy but at least I’m not asking to die today.

[zephyrthejester]

Reflecting on Season 1b

Where do I even begin? This half-season of Steven Universe took all the characters and themes I thought I knew and tore them open, revealing a passionate, heartfelt story. I suppose it would be easiest to take this piece by piece, looking at how much each character has changed.

Steven Quartz Universe is now a far cry from the oblivious rapscallion he began as. He's mellower, kinder. The main focus of his arc this season was spent figuring out who he is, and fighting to be respected. He's been thrust head first into a terrifying world of strife and danger. Bearing Rose Quartz's gemstone-- being her son-- is no longer merely a source of pride. It's put a price on his head, and Homeworld isn't going to understand that he is his own person. Jasper didn't. Steven fought so hard this half-season to be a full-fledged Crystal Gem, and now he is one... and has shouldered every burden that entails. Coming full circle from his interaction with PeeDee back in Frybo, Steven is about to learn that life isn't sunshine and rainbows. Moving forward, I expect Steven will further master his Gem powers and fully comprehend how messed up his life actually is.

Amethyst wears a new face. All that time, her act of the funnyman was revealed to be just that. She is disgusted with who she is, why she is. She is a product of everything the Crystal Gems fought against. And on top of the demons haunting her, Rose Quartz was taken away. Amethyst hates the company of herself, is dependent on being with others. And the terrible thing is, Amethyst can't change a single fact about herself. But what she can change is how she feels about those facts. It's going to be tough, but Amethyst must learn to accept the love others give her. Learn that she deserves love for who she chose to be, not what she was made to be. Rise above her "purpose" and become a paragon of what it means to be Crystal Gem. I'd also like to add that Amethyst has remained my favorite character since the first episode. She's got all the best jokes, and the severe issues haunting her have only made her more fascinating. But I detect that all the other Crystal Gems are going to be explored with the same nuance in the near future...

Pearl's true character has only just begun being tapped into, I feel. She's still the straight man, the responsible one, the voice of reason. But now there is an element of tragedy surrounding her. She loved Rose Quartz. Devoted herself to her cause. For an immortal being who has lived thousands and thousands of years, having a fellow immortal "die" a mere ten or so years ago must feel like the blink of an eye. Every Crystal Gem felt intense loss from Rose's passing, but Pearl easily took it the hardest. I think that going forward, Pearl's arc will involve accepting and healing this wound, and learning to carry onward. It's tough to say more, really. All I know is that I am eager to see more Pearl.

Then we come to the MVP of the season 1 finale-- Garnet. Her development so far has been subtle. Unlike all the prior characters, Garnet has everything she wants from the series beginning. She exists. She leads her team. What more is there? But here in Season 1b, Garnet learned to show emotion and be empathetic. She grew, she learned. Leading is not just calculated action. Existing is not just being. Now that her components, Cinnabar Ruby and Sapphire, have finally been properly revealed, a whole new world is open for Garnet. The show can talk about what it's like to be the culmination of two people, or what those two people are like on their own. There's so much they can do with Garnet, now that the big secret is out.

Finally, we have the Homeworld Gems. Lapis Lazuli, Peridot, Jasper-- they're all tragic victims of circumstance.

Lapis has it rough. Trapped for thousands of years, conscious all the while. Suddenly free, fleeing, going home-- and right back into imprisonment. Interrogated by her own people. Kept as prisoner. After decades of no control, Lapis Lazuli did something wicked. She seized ultimate control over another person, wanting to play jailer for a change, not realizing she's just imprisoning herself along with her victim. Lapis is a liar. Lying that she's doing it all to save Steven. Lying to justify the horror she's inflicting to Jasper. Lying to herself. Lapis is doing it all for Lapis Lazuli. An already tragic character suddenly pushed to the edge of sanity.

Peridot is exceedingly interesting. She's a techie, a repairman. Her lack of knowledge on the Crystal Gems implies she's young and doesn't even know of the rebellion. She came to do her job and is now stranded on Earth, likely to be hunted down by our protagonists in the near future. She's about to fight for survival, caught in the middle of a shitstorm she likely didn't know existed. Honestly, this show could go anywhere with her, and there's not much point in speculating for now. But I *can* talk about her design. Those bulbous limbs and floating digits-- she's clearly different from all the other Gems revealed thus far. Everyone, bar Steven and Amethyst, was around well before the rebellion 6,000 some years ago. But if Peridot really is a new, young Gem, then her design would of course reflect Homeworld's modern technology. She's advanced. Superior. She's got a flippin' computer built into her body just by making a ring with her fingers. So it leaves me wondering if this show will tackle a "magic vs. technology" angle, in addition to an "Earthling vs. Alien Invaders."

Jasper... With only two episodes (which I have re-watched ravenously) under her belt, there's still a ridiculous amount of things to say. She's an aged Homeworld faithful who made a final choice in which faction to support. But she strikes me as being the honorable warrior sort-- She respected Rose Quartz. She did not brutalize her foes. She did not stick around to terrorize humans. She came to do a job and did that job-- and tried her damnedest to neutralize escapees. However, the scene on the beach came across as a fair bit of blood-lust. Jasper, disgraced and humiliated, sought to crush her foes utterly. Lapis was right to trick and imprison her, but keeping Jasper imprisoned was going WAY TOO FAR. Now Jasper is subject to a hellish fate, trapped in the body and mind of someone who loathes her, doomed to a fight for control 24/7. In a sick display of irony, Jasper is suddenly everything Garnet isn't. A fusion of hate. It's messed the hell up. Jasper may be a Homeworld soldier but she does NOT deserve this... As far as I know.

So yes. Season 1b was a supernova of character development and heartfelt emotion. And because of how high this show's highs are, I am completely willing to overlook its weakest aspects. Some of the human-focused episodes can be weak, I'll say it now. Some of the themes and topics this show tries to do fall flat on their face (cough HOUSE GUEST cough cough).

But when it's good, it's *incredible*. Bold, unique. Episodes like Alone Together, On The Run, and Jailbreak are prime, grade A+ television that I'm going to cherish for a long, long time. This show is already rivaling Avatar: The Last Airbender as my favorite cartoon show. If Steven Universe can stick the landing, then... who knows?

All I know is that this show is bloody incredible and I'm ecstatic to find I'm slightly less than half way through and HOLY CRAP I LOVE IT. And I love you guys for taking this journey with me.

So all said, I calculated the score of Season 1b of Steven Universe to be 86/100.

See you in Season 2.