#just. it's been a nice few months since June and I really want to stay there

[loumauve]

if results can be believed (which I struggle with - due to my genetic makeup aka being born in a country that values paperwork above all - I am inherently distrustful of official results being posted digitally only) I did indeed pass the second part of exams so now it's only the project presentation left (as well as not knowing how the project documentation was received/graded) I got shit grades but they're passing grades, which is all that matters.

and as long as handing things in on Monday goes well, and I get a passing grade on the final final exam day, I will also have an actual work contract starting the day after. which.. doesn't seem real yet after so many years of being sick and struggling, and then recovering and then struggling some more through the last.. 4 years? idk tbh. don't remember, it's been so long and my brain is soup.

but universe permitting I will finally be back at work, working full-time with an actual contract and proper earned money and paid time off I can plan for myself. and honestly that's all I want. I just want to be stressed in a good way and working at the hospital has been that.

do I get anxious still? sure, but the more I know and figure out how to do the things people need me to do the more content I am, even when I'm exhausted bc there's a lot happening at once.

so yeah. fingers crossed, trying not to be too optimistic in case things fall through, bc apparently I barely made the cutoff point since there will be no more hires post December 24th bc of finance issues (which.. yeah. public service kinda sucks in that regard) but they did send out the letter in time so I just need to get it back to them on Monday and then hope for the best. but yeah. sure would be nice

[sinofwriting]

So Many Reasons - Ollie Bearman

Words: 3,343 Summary: She honestly just wants to go to these two races to see her brother so he won’t complain about never seeing her anymore that is it. She has exams, an internship, and a job, she doesn’t have time for any of this. Note(s): Thank you V once again for commissioning the fic! I had a lot of fun writing it and may or may not have spent an hour researching different business degrees and universities and such. Reader is Andrea Kimi Antonelli’s older sister. Age gap of 3 years between her and Ollie. Not good family dynamics between her and Kimi and their father.

Masterlist | Support Me!

“Andrea, no.” Her voice is firm, perhaps harsh but she doesn’t care. She was tired, hungry, and had to stay up for at least another six hours. Her last red bull in her bag sounded better every second. “C’mon, sorella. It is my first F2 race. You can miss a few classes.” Her jaw clenches and she forces herself to take a deep breath. Thank god this was just a phone call. “No, Andrea. I can’t. I have exams.” “Ask for an extension.” “Andrea,” she snaps. “Does padre know you are asking me this?” His voice is quiet, “no.” She sighs, pushing away her work. “How is your school work going?” “It’s fine.” “And the sim?” “Good.”

It’s quiet between the two siblings.

“It’s been months since we last saw each other. Do you not miss me?” “We saw each other at Christmas.” She reminds him but softens. “Of course I do. But I’m busy. I can’t take a few days away to go to a race, at least not one that’s not in Europe.” She looks at her planner, at the days blocked out with different colors. Purple for exams, blue for classes, yellow for work, green for work and classes, the dreaded orange for when she had both exams and work. It was filled for days, weeks, and months. “I could maybe make it for Imola.” She’d have to talk to her professors, put in her time now for work, but she didn’t have any exams the day after his feature race. “Maybe even Monaco if you can get me a spare pass.” She shouldn’t go to Monaco, not with her final exams to obtain her MBA starting just the day after the race, but she didn’t have any work those days and she could always bring her books with her. “Really?” She smiles at the excitement in his voice. “Really. Are you sure you want your big sister around?” “Yes. It will be nice to have family in the paddock. Someone other than dad.” She hums, eyes widening as they catch the time. “Let me know about the passes for the different races, okay? As soon as you get them I’ll talk to my professors.” “I will.” “Bye Andrea.” “Bye.”

—

“Mr. Garcia?” She knocks on the door frame. “You asked to see me?” He smiles, beckoning her in. “Yes. Please sit.” He gestures at the chairs in front of his desk before quickly typing something. She sits down, smoothing the fabric of her skirt. “I wanted to talk to you about your plans after you get your MBA.” “I’d like to get a travel position or be able to work remotely half of the time. Then I think after ten years of doing that, I’d like to take a bigger account or two.” He hums, looking at her consideringly. “Why the travel position?” “I like traveling, going to different places, and when I went once before with Maria, I liked what she had to do.” “You're also good with languages.” “Yes.” “And the hybrid?” She fidgets a little. “The same reasons really as the travel position and I like the extended hours.” His lips twitch into a smile, “Maria hated remote.” She nods.

“She said you’d be suited for it.” Her leg that had started to bounce stops. He leans forward, “I’d like to keep you on. I know that your internship with Maria ends the first week of May. And that you’re only supposed to continue to work with us until August. But I’d like to offer you the remote position, starting June 20th.” She looks at him with a slight open mouth. “What,” she clears her throat. “What exactly would that look like?” He pushes forward a folder. “All of the details are in there, but there are two important things. There will only be a few days every month that require you in the office. Those days are always made known at least two weeks in advance, some as much as six months.” She nods. “The second is you will have strict deadlines. Miss two within a three month period and you will be on probation, meaning that for a time you will be spending at least eighty hours in office for the month, until your probation is up. Look over all the details and get back to me next week.” “Of course.” Taking the folder, she stares at it before standing. “Thank you, Mr. Garcia.” “Of course, Ms. Antonelli.”

—

“Andrea!” She calls, seeing him looking around. His head turns to look at her, a large grin taking over his face. “Sorella!” He calls, jogging over to her. “You made it.” She rolls her eyes, pushing him away when he tries to give her a hug. “I told you two weeks ago I’d make it to Imola. It’s not my fault, you don’t listen.” She touches her ears before giving him a quick hug. “How are you feeling?” “Good.” She hums, following him as he leads her to what she assumes is Prema’s space for this race.

The good was false that was more than clear to see, if she wasn’t his sister, she’d know just by looking at the F2 races so far. Round four with no podiums? Or pole position. Her brother was surely smarting. She wondered if it had hit him yet that he wasn’t the most talented driver in this series yet.

Entering the Prema garage she smiles when Rene immediately greets her.

“How are you?” “I’m good. Very good. How are you? How is Angelina?” “I am good, I’m sure you saw the Indycar news.” She nods, watching as Andrea starts talking to either a mechanic or an engineer. “I did. It sounds amazing.” “Very amazing. And Angelina, well,” He pauses, turning his head and calling her over.

“Oh, Y/N.” “Angelina.” She greets back, melting into the hug the older woman gives. “How are you doing?” “I’m doing good. And you are well?” “Of course, it is the season.” She smiles at her, knowing all too well how much everyone loved the motorsport season.

“Kimi!” Angelina calls and she has to stop herself from flinching at the use of his nickname. “You did not tell me that your sister was coming.” He shrugs, “She’s coming next race as well.” “You are coming to Monaco?” She shrugs, adjusting her purse. “It’s my last free time before my exams and Andrea asked when I was going to come.” Rene and Angelina share a look but before either can say anything, someone interrupts.

“Angelina, Dino and Antonio are wondering about the next shoot.” The older woman sighs, “And neither of them could get me themselves.” He shoots her a grin, and it’s the sight of his grin that makes her realize that this is Andrea’s teammate. “I volunteered.” Angelina shakes her head, muttering under her breath but leaves the small group.

“Ah, Ollie, this Y/N. Y/N, this is Ollie.” Rene introduces. She shakes his hand. “Nice to meet you.” “You as well. Are you new to the team?” “No.” She laughs, pulling her hand from his. “Just a guest for this race and next.” “Oh.” He looks at Rene questioningly, but the older man is already in conversation with other people. “I could give you a tour, if you’d like.” “You don’t need to do that.” He smiles, giving a small shrug with his shoulders. “I don’t mind.” “Don’t you have race prep?” She can see just behind him, Andrea talking to another two people, their heads all gathered around a tablet. “I finished mine already.” Her lips purse. “At least let me get you a coffee from Ferrari’s hospitality.” Her nose nearly wrinkles at the word coffee, but Ferrari… She wasn’t into motorsports by choice, but she was Italian. She knew the allure of Ferrari and more so now Charles Leclerc than the team itself better than anyone. “So, coffee?” He grins. She sighs but nods. “Just one though.” She doesn’t think she could stomach another one.

“You don’t like coffee do you?” He asks nearly twenty minutes later as she sips at the coffee he got her and she chooses not to think too hard about the money she tried to hand him that he refused. “No.” She laughs. “But you like Ferrari.” “I’m Italian, Ollie. I think I get kicked out of the country, especially this part if I don’t bleed rosso corsa.” “Yet your brother is a Mercedes junior.” She pauses, “My brother?” His eyebrows furrow. “I’m sorry, it’s just Kimi, he has a picture of you. I asked about it once, because I already knew what his girlfriend looked like.” “I didn’t know that.” She wondered when the picture was from. Not from this Christmas, that was for sure. Ollie stares at her for a few seconds, something dancing in his eyes before turning the conversation back around. “It is a bit funny isn’t it? An Italian choosing Mercedes, while an Englishman chooses Ferrari.” “A second Charles Leclerc in the making.” She muses, remembering an article that said it. He flushes red. “I wouldn’t say that.” She shrugs, “Then other people will for you.”

Her phone buzzing makes her look away and she rolls her eyes at the text from Andrea. “I have to go back, Andrea is looking for me. Thank you for the coffee.” He nods, standing with her. “No problem.” He then opens his mouth again, quickly closing it. She raises an eyebrow and he flushes a bit more. “Could I get your number?” “Ah.” She glances down at her phone, another text on the screen. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” “Why not?” She can think of a million reasons. “It’s just not a good idea.” She settles on. “What if I want it as a friend?” She sends him a look and he grins. “I could do friends.” She shakes her head, “I need to go. Thank you again.” “Anytime.”

—

“You're at a race.” “Padre.” She greets, watching the screens as the sprint race goes into its fifth lap. “Andrea asked me to come.” “You don’t like races.” Her lips thin. “No, I don’t. But he wanted to see me, I made time.” “Have you made time for the interview I want scheduled?” “No.” He starts to say her name and she shakes her head. “No, padre. I’m here for Andrea, to see him. Just like I will be for Monaco, that is it. I have no interest in working for you.” “For the family.” “Or that.” He sighs.

Crossing her arms over her chest, she winces at the way Andrea gets overtaken, can already imagine the way he’ll beat himself up over it if he doesn’t regain the position, especially with the way Ollie is in P2, no battle in sight, as he more than comfortably keeps the place.

An arm wraps around her shoulders and she easily goes into her fathers side. “I miss my little girl.” She bites back on the words that want to crawl from her throat. “Love you too.”

—

“So,” she startles at the sound of a voice and the owner of it grins. “You don’t like coffee.” “Hello, Ollie.” “Hi.” He greets back. “You don’t like coffee.” He repeats. “I don’t like coffee.” She can’t help but smile at the way he grins at her responding to him. “What about,” he pauses looking around, before leaning closer and lowering his voice. “Red bull?” “I’m listening.”

She has to stop herself from giggling as Ollie leads her through Ferrari’s garage. She really shouldn’t be here. And not just because she shouldn’t even be at the race.

Stopping in front of a door, she watches as Ollie knocks, sending her a grin as he does.

“Hello?” The voice is a little confused. “Ollie! Come in, come in.” And Ollie grabs her hand, intertwining their fingers as he pulls her into the room with him. “Hi Charles.” Her eyes widen at the name and she quickly schools her expression though neither are looking at her. “What are you doing here?” Ollie grins at the older man. “I wanted to introduce you to someone and raid your fridge.” Charles rolls his eyes. “At least you don’t ask permission anymore.”

The tease makes her stiffen, this was a lot more than she felt she should be seeing or hearing.

“No, I learned.” Ollie laughs and then he’s tugging her closer. “Charles, this is Y/N.” A bit of tension leaves her when he doesn’t say her last name. “Y/N, this is Charles.” “Bonjour.” She greets, keeping her free hand firmly by her side as she wiggles her fingers in Ollie’s hand, but he just brushes his thumb over her knuckles. Charles’ eyes brighten at the greeting. “Bonjour. Est-ce un accent italien que j'entends?” (“Hello. Is that an Italian accent I hear?”) “Oui. Je suis italienne et je vis actuellement en France.” (“Yes. I am Italian currently living in France.) His grin widens. “Oh, très bien. Votre français est bon.” (“Oh, very nice. Your French is good.”) She ducks her head. “Merci.” (“Thank you.”)

“I didn’t know you spoke French.” Ollie says. She gives him a look. It should make his smile falter a little, but it only grows. “An Italian living in France. A bit uncommon, no?” Charles asks, handing her then Ollie a Red Bull. Before grabbing one for himself. “I study there.” “What are you studying?” Ollie asks, “Ki,” he stops himself. “Andrea never said.” Her eyes narrow at the catch, wondering why exactly he did it. “Accounting. And I’m not surprised. If it’s not something racing related, my brother has no interest.” Charles laughs. “I think Lorenzo and you would get along well. Having siblings that live and breath racing while you don’t.” “Maybe.” “Are you close to getting your degree?” “I am actually. My final exams start Monday.” “And you came to the Monaco Grand Prix?” Charles’ eyes are wide. “Yes.” “My goodness.” He looks at Ollie, winking at him. “This one is a keeper.” “Oh,” she says, feeling blood rush to her cheeks and Ollie is turning pink. “We aren’t.” He shrugs, taking a drink of his red bull. “Maybe not yet.” His eyes then fall to their still intertwined fingers and she gives another tug to Ollie’s hand, expecting him now to let go, but he doesn’t. “No, not yet.”

—

“What race are you coming to next?” Her hand tingles at the sound of Ollie’s voice. “I’m not.” “What?” She turns to face him. “Andrea wanted me at the first race of the season, but I couldn’t make it, so I said I’d come to these two.” She doesn’t mention that the want of her coming was because he apparently missed her. She had her doubts about that, especially after this weekend. “You don’t think he’ll ask you to come again?” She looks around, seeing no one nearby, she sighs. “Even if he did, I wouldn’t come. I love my brother, but not on race weekends, not during the season. I’ve seen you more than him.” Ollie’s face that had looked shocked, turns to understanding. “I’m sorry. I had no idea.” She shrugs. “He’s busy.” Ollie looks like he wants to argue, but he doesn’t.

Instead he leans a bit closer, “so, could I get your number now?” She laughs, shaking her head. “No. Still not happening.” “Oh, c’mon. I won today. This is the one thing I want as the Monaco F2 feature race winner.” She shakes her head. “Maybe, if you actually wanted it as a friend. I’d say yes.” “And why can’t we be more than friends?” He’s closer now somehow and she has to swallow around the lump in her throat. “Ollie,” Her name spills from his lips in a gentle sigh as he leans ever closer. “We can’t.” She whispers, hand against his chest, holding him place. “Why? Give me one good reason why.”

He’s guiding her backwards, down the short hallway and into a room that’s thankfully empty, the door shutting behind him.

“One good reason.” “You’re Andrea’s teammate.” “For nine more weekends.” She lets out a shaky breath, watching as his tongue darts out to wet his lips. “I’m busy with school and work.” “You have final exams this week, which you’ll pass. And I’m busy with work as well.” “You're younger than me. I’m twenty-two, you just turned nineteen.” He shrugs, her eyes following the strong line of shoulders with the movement. “I’m an adult. And I like you.” “Ollie.” She breathes. He’s closer than ever before, their lips nearly brushing. “I’m still waiting.” Her eyes scan his face, his words full of confidence, his body too, but he’s flushed and his nervousness is easy to read. And she delivers the reason that has to make him see reason. Because she doesn’t know if he stays this close to her if she can stop herself from kissing him. “Your parents,” his throat bobs. “Would never approve.” He looks at her and she looks back, holding her breath, waiting for him to back away but he doesn’t, and god when does Ollie ever do things she expects. “They don’t need to.” He whispers and then he’s kissing her.

—

“What are you talking about?” “Andrea,” “No.” He stops her, shaking her head. “What do you mean, you are seeing Oliver?” He spits the name out. “Don’t, Andrea.” “NO!” His face is red and she’s reminded of the times when he wanted candy that she had and threw a fit over not getting it instead. “He is, he is,” he shakes his head. “I don’t even know what he is. He is my teammate, he works in motorsports, you hate motorsports.” She keeps quiet, watching as her brother processes the news. “He is younger than you, barely older than me. And you.” He shakes his head again. “Does padre know?” She scoffs, now shaking her head. “Does padre know? That’s all you care about isn’t it. If our father approves or not, if you knows what he thinks, because heaven forbid Kimi,” he flinches at the name. “You think for yourself.” “That is not.” “Don’t.” She cuts him off. “Yes, he knows. Don’t worry he disapproves as well. So, you don’t have to think for yourself again.”

She stares at her younger brother, knowing that this is her fault, but she can’t, she still doesn’t have it in her to deal with it, not today. “I will talk to you sometime, Andrea.”

—

“Your fans are lovely.” Ollie makes a humming sound, half asleep. She pauses her scrolling on twitter, unable to stop herself from liking the picture of Charles’ dog in his own personal little car. “Your fans. Very creative as well. They can’t call me a gold digger, but a fame seeker? Well, if the shoe fits.” “They what?” He sounds so much more awake, it makes her laugh. “It’s just hate, Ollie. I’m an old woman praying on the young. Apparently I’m like Piquet.” “Ew.” And she can picture his nose wrinkling. “You know you aren’t though right?” “An old woman?” She jokes. “A predator.” She softens, turning in his arms, so that they are chest to chest. “I know.” “I mean, really if anything I was.” “You were very insistent.” He flushes. “Only a little.” She nods, pressing a kiss to his jaw. “Only a little.”

“I know we talked about it before, but are you okay with everything?” “Yes. I mean, it hurts that Andrea is still not okay with it but my father’s opinion has not mattered to me in a long time. And no matter what the media and fans were never going to give us peace, so I made my peace with that as well. Besides, your parents are okay with it.” “They love you.” “Our friends are understanding.” “They are.” “And you aren’t about to dedicate any more podiums to me.” He grins at her and dread starts to form in her stomach. “Ollie…” “About that last one.” “Ollie!”

@crashingwavesofeuphoria @poppyflower-22 @racingheartsposts @gemofthenight @peachiicherries @lpab @hiireadstuff @iloveyou3000morgan @boiohboii @bibliosaurous @skepvids @elliegrey2803

[lewsnumerounofan]

party foul (jeremiah fisher x reader)

summary: so what if you're in love with your best friend, jeremiah fisher? one drunk kiss won't change anything. right?

notes: not biblically accurate conrad, teen drinking, kissing, 3k words, reader previously dated co**ad, angst/miscomm., not proof read at all

+ part 2

+ i never keep the same tense i'm so sooryim gooo fuckjuhnbsorry oh my god and dw abt the header image!!!!!! it's okay!!!!!

kissing jere was easy.

it was the first thing you noticed. how easy it was to let his lips slant over yours, to tilt your head back at the greedy request of his hands, to forget about the party and conrad and the house.

it was just him and the feel of his mouth on yours.

you hadn't expected this, to say the least. in fact, you'd been bracing for an awkward and mostly miserable night. ever since conrad and you had split back in june, things had been awful. the breakup had been bad itself--getting ditched at prom without explanation was one thing--but watching conrad get back with nicole a week later was even worse.

so you were pleasantly surprised with yourself when you decided to go to the fisher's goodbye party, despite whatever tension there might be between you and conrad.

if you were being honest with yourself though, you mostly had jeremiah to thank. you two had been best friends since childhood, but ever since his brother had broken your heart, jere had been there for you. all the time, really. he'd drive down on weekends to check up on you. and when susannah had gotten worse, you'd driven up to make sure he was eating and sleeping too.

so of course he'd been able to convince you to come stay, waving off your concerns about conrad. i want you there, he'd said. i really want you there. and so you'd come. you arrived late, tired from the hours of highway driving. already the house was packed with hap hazardously parked cars and drunk teenagers. the music was loud even on the warm streets outside, and you couldn't help but feel excited as you pulled your bag out of your car and started towards the party.

taylor was the one who opened the door for you. she launched herself into a hug, giggling and shrieking as you two swung around.

"oh my god. you have no idea how happy i am to see you," she yelled, dragging you into the crowded house.

together you fumbled upstairs, eventually breaking into one of the larger rooms. various assortments of air mattresses and water beds covered the floor. jere had called you as soon as they'd gotten back from the boardwalk about julia's suprise moving. it wasn't often you heard him so... defeated.

"you can drop your stuff wherever," said taylor, "but the one in the corner is jeremy's."

she didn't even bother to hide her grin as you slapped her arm. nothing, not even your best kept secret, made it past taylor.

"shut up. you can't say anything to him or i swear i'll kill you," you promised, only half joking.

"oh please. he hasn't stopped talking about you the whole trip. it's disgusting."

you tried not to smile at that--jere talked about you? i mean, he'd called you just about every day for the last few months. more, on days when things were hard. but still, you felt almost nervous at the thought of seeing him now. of what it might be like between you.

your thoughts were cut off by a shout of your name. running into the room was belly. well, not running--rolling.

"oh my god bell what are you wearing?" you asked. it was too late though, because she was wrapping you up in a wobbly, crushing hug.

"roller skates? duh? they're an old pair of susannah's," she said.

you'd missed belly. she looked fucking adorable in her little vintage number, and you hugged her again just because. over her shoulder you could see steven grinning, and conrad too. you waved to the later while steven strode over, ruffling your hair before taking your bag from you.

"long time no see, city-girl," he said.

"yeah yeah yeah. just be nice to my bag, okay? it's got some very delicate presents," you said. steven raised his eyebrows but did as you said, placing your bag onto the bed taylor had indicated earlier. jere's bed. taylor and steven met eyes and winked--uh oh. the last thing you needed was them trying to set you up with your best friend. your best friend who you're in love with, something inside you said. you tried your best to strangle it.

"hey."

this time it was conrad, who was sporting a pair of atrocious sunflower sunglasses on the top of his head.

"hey. i like the glasses," you said, doing your best to smile. it was weird to talk like this to him. you were so angry and embarrassed and sad because of him for so long, and now there was just... nothing. and it felt okay.

"uh, yeah. nicole--nicole got them for me."

he looked sheepish, blushing in a way that used to have you fawning. now you just did your best to nod, saying, "well, she's certainly got a good eye for fashion."

you were saved from the conversation by steven's cough. he stood by the doorway, impatiently waving you towards the party.

"cmon guys, can we hurry this up?"

"yeah, gimmie one sec," you promised. returning to your bag you pulled out the liquor you'd secured on your way there, the bottles heavy in your hands.

"see," you said, turning back to your friends, "presents."

-

downstairs was even louder than you thought it would be. belly had gone all out for the party--strobe lights blared in every room, a kegger was set up outside, and a dj (was that cam cameron??) was spinning in the living room. you had to admit it: you were having a good time. a really good time. except for, that is, one thing. or person, really. jere was nowhere to be found. he'd even missed out on the group shots you, steven, taylor, belly and conrad had downed first beside the pool and then by the kitchen. jeremiah never missed group shots.

a little more than drunk now, you pushed off from your spot on the counter to find your bestfriend.

"city-girl, where you going?" asked steven.

"i'm gonna go find jere. i haven't seen him since i got in."

"i'll come with you," a voice spoke up.

it was conrad, who looked between you and the floor nervously. you didn't miss the questioning looks that pass between taylor and belly. you shrug at them--a little nervous, but not enough to turn him down in front of all your friends.

"uh, yeah sure."

so you and conrad made your way back through the party, scanning couches and corners for jeremiah. by the time you hit the stairs you were both sweaty and annoyed. you had come all this way to see him, and all of a sudden he'd disappeared.

"he's not picking up any of my calls," said conrad, pulling his phone away from his ear.

"me neither," you admitted, letting yourself swing around the banister to sit at the bottom of the staircase. cautiously, conrad gestured to empty landing beside you.

"mind if i join?"

you nod, scooching over to make room. conrad looked bigger than last time you'd seen him. he looked stronger too. for a while after susannah died he'd looked like a corpse--pale and skinny and only half there. even you could admit you were glad to see him doing so much better.

"hey, look i didn't really tag along to search for jere," conrad said, glancing back at you. shocker.

"i uh," he cleared his throat, "i mostly just wanted to apologize. for how things ended. i know i messed up really bad and i wanted to say i'm sorry."

in the hazy blue and purple's of the dance floor below, conrad's steel-blue eyes were genuine. for the first time that night they held yours steadily.

"i was hurting, and let myself fall on you for comfort even when i knew you weren't who i wanted. who i needed. and it wasn't fair to you. i know that now, and i'm sorry it took me so long. i'm really, really sorry."

huh. you hadn't really expected that one either. but it was nice to hear him say those words. you liked conrad. he was a good guy who'd had a rough hand delt to him. and yeah, he hadn't done right by you. but like susannah had always repeated:

"no harm no foul," you said, and let yourself smile at him. he looked relieved as he smiled back, no doubt recognizing the reference to his mother.

"you're happy now, i take it? with nicole?" you ask.

"yeah. more than happy, actually. don't know what i did to deserve her."

you're happy for him, in that moment. really happy.

"what about you? you finally stopped messing around and admitted your feelings to jere?" he asked.

"huh?" you drop, mouth open. there's no way.

"what," he chuckled, grinning harder at your shocked expression, "like it's not obvious you two are crazy for each other."

you can feel the blush spreading across your cheeks now, stomach skipping at his words. so they all knew, you realized. does jere?

"he doesn't--you didn't tell him, right?" you said, panic rising.

conrad shakes his head, still looking amused.

"no, but he'd be a fool not to see it. you guys are perfect for each other. really."

"thanks, conrad."

and you mean it--it's been months of awkwardness between you. and now you just feel... good. you feel like you've got your friend back. so you lean over and hug him, letting yourself remember that before your fling you were friends, and returning back to it feels comforting and warm.

"thank you, for hearing me out. i'm glad we can be back to normal now," he said into your shoulder.

"friends again?" you ask.

"definit--"

"what the fuck?"

-

it's jeremiah. he stands at the top of the stairs, eyes wide. he's wearing the ariana grande merch you'd gotten him. he looks the same and yet--

and yet something in your chest fizzes and your stomach starts running circles as you look at him. you missed him. and not because he was your best friend.

"jere--it's not what it looks like," said conrad.

and then you realized he did look different. the jeremiah you knew was always grinning about some secret joke, or making fun of belly or steven. he never looked... betrayed like this. and he certainly never looked at you with disgust. with anger.

"what the fuck are you guys doing?" he asked again, but this time he didn't even look at you.

"nothing, jere. we were just talking," said conrad.

you cringed at his words. they might be true, but they sure didn't sound good.

"yeah, sure," laughed jere. you'd never heard him laugh like that. it made your skin prickle.

"c'mon, you know i'd never do that-" conrad started.

jeremiah was faster though. he was up in conrad's face in a second, pushing him into the wall. you'd never seen him like this. he wasn't an aggressive guy; even when the brothers fought it was never violent.

"don't fucking lie, con. you were just waiting to take her back weren't you? waiting until you knew it'd hurt me the most, huh?"

you felt his words viscerally, like they were being penned onto your skin. hurt him the most? it was the closest to a confession you'd gotten, but it all felt wrong.

by now, partygoers on the main floor had started to notice the commotion. people were pointing, some even starting to pull out their phones. great.

"jere," you called. he paused, bright blue eyes on you. even now, fighting with his brother, jeremiah looked beautiful. maybe you had had a bit too much to drink.

"jere, please let it go. conrad isn't a part of this," you murmured. though you didn't break eye contact, you could see his hands loosen around his brother's shirt in your peripheral. jaw clenched, he heeded your wishes, giving a final shove to conrad before breaking away. he walked quickly down the stairs and into the throngs of people below.

"jere, wait up!" you call, desperately trying to follow the broad shape of his back through the crowd. jeremiah didn't bother trying to accommodate your smaller strides, and you almost lost him a few times in the packed house.

"would you please slow down? jere," you said again. by now you were out of the house, dodging pool floaties and scattered drinks. the blonde made no indication of hearing you as he kept striding towards the beach.

"jeremiah!"

finally he whipped around. he still looked mad--the set of his jaw, the notching of his eyebrows--but under all of it, he just looked sad. you hated seeing him upset, and you hated knowing you might've been the cause of it.

"jere, please. what's going on?" you asked, this time softly. he was close to you now. you could see his heavy breathing, could smell the perfume he always wore.

"how would i know. you're the one who's looking all close with your ex--my brother--conrad," he spits. he swallows hard, like he's checking himself.

"it was always you and conrad. even when we were kids it was that way. i was stupid to think it could've been any different."

he turned away from you, gaze hard. oh, jere. you have no idea, you thought. it was him--how could he not see that? how could he really think it was conrad you cared about?

you couldn't deny it any longer: you loved jere. and you definitely weren't about to let him walk away thinking otherwise.

quickly, without letting yourself dwell on it, you grabbed jeremiah's hand. he turned back, eyes wide. and you kissed him.

kissing jere was easy.

it was the first thing you noticed. how easy it was to let his lips slant over yours, to tilt your head back at the greedy request of his hands, to forget about the party and conrad and the house.

it was just him and the feel of his mouth on yours.

and then everything was static. everywhere he touched you--the long, lean press of his body to your front, the sharp slide of his jawline under your palm, the firm press of his hands at your waist. every sense was filled with him and his warmth and the way he smelled.

you were gasping into the kiss, hyperaware of the small noises he made when you pulled on his curls. of just how tall he was, how much he had to lean down to hold you like this.

you barely broke away enough to say, "jere, nothing happened with conrad. we were talking about you-"

"don't care," he said, voice rough. because he was too busy lifting you onto one of the wooden boardwalk rails, muscled arms flexing in the distant party lights.

you barely had time to settle before he was kissing you again, sloppy this time, like he owned your mouth and wanted you to know it. you felt hot everywhere, as his hands pulled apart your thighs and he crowded his broad body into you.

you'd kissed once before for a game of truth or dare. it had been sweet and short, and you both had been teased about it for years afterwards. this was different.

wholly different, you realized, as jeremiah's lips sought out the hot skin of your neck. there was no place except where he touched you; the noise of the party, the lull of the waves on the beach, the quiet way he murmured against your skin.

"jere," you said, because there was no room in your mind for anything or anyone else. he hummed as his canines bit lightly at your ear. jere.

greedy for more, you took one of the tan, strong hands holding your face and brought it lower, lower until it rested over your frantically beating heart. jere had pulled away to watch your ministrations, cursing softly as his hand fell over your chest.

"you sure?" he asked, and his voice sounded hoarse.

"yeah, course jere. it's you."

something behind his eyes sparked at the trust you promised. it's always been you. kissing you once more, gentler this time, jere let his hand run up and under the vintage bathing suit top you'd stolen from your mom for the party.

skin on skin, jeremiah was soft and warm. he was breathing heavy as you as he felt you up. forehead to yours, gaze keen as he watched you pant and squirm.

"this okay?"

you could only nod, eyes drawn tight at the sensation. he kissed you again, his touch more confident as you clung to his shoulders.

you'd messed around with conrad a few times. it had felt good. fun, even. but he'd never had you reeling like this, never made you feel like everywhere he touched was fire. that feeling was reserved for jere.

and as his thumb circled your nipple and his teeth pulled at your lip, you realized you were burning and there wasn't anything you could do to stop it. best friend or not, jere was the only one who could make you feel like this. ever.

you pulled away from his mouth. he looked concerned, and you could feel him move his hands away from you.

"sorry if i..." he started, blue eyes near scared as he watched you.

"no, jere it's not that. it's, it's just that i-"

"hey, there's my man! where the fuck were you dude?"

it was steven. fucking steven. on his arm was taylor, who grinned manically when she saw your mussed hair and blushing expression. please not now, taylor. please don't mess this up any more.

but drunk as they were, the pair didn't notice your nervous expression. instead, steven laughed and said, "so did you finally tell her you're in love with her or what?"

-

jere's face dropped. whatever softness you'd shared moments earlier was gone. his mouth set flat, hands that had been mapping out your body now closed into fists.

"fuck you, steven."

taylor's eyes were on you now, finally recognizing the tears you tried to blink away. with a hand on his chest she held steven back, some wordless communication passing between them. if you hadn't been feeling your own heart break you would've been trying to tease them about it.

instead, you chased after jeremiah's retreating figure.

"jere, will you please listen!" you called. but he was stubborn--you knew this better than anyone. one more time you tried, shouting his name over the stupidly loud party.

he whipped back around, blue eyes sharp.

"just stay away from me, okay? why don't you go find conrad to wipe your tears," he snapped. for a moment, jere looked shocked at his own words too. but then he was shaking his head, tearing his gaze away from yours as he continued through the crowds towards the house. away from you.

and this time, as people collapsed into the space all around you, their yelling and singing drowning out even your thoughts, you knew there was no use calling for him.

[ladyyatexel]

Friends, Romans, Tumblrites, lend me your reblogs.

I'm Xel and I live in a society! I think there's a solid chance you do also! So you may relate to the profoundly crappy thing that happened to me and that I once again need a community assist.

I lost a temporary job that was supposed to turn into a permanent job in June because no one there felt safe enough to retire. Only two of us in the apartment were under 50. One of the crew was over 70. Three were chronically ill/disabled. No one felt safe enough to leave in order for me to stay, so I was trained for basically 6 months for nothing.

I have survived on savings from that job until this point, but I'm at the point where I cannot pay rent. I'm looking into getting help from sources more local to me but the internet has always felt like people who cared about me more than the people I share DNA with, really.

Many of the social services that I was signed up for expired the day that I was supposed to be told that I would be a permanent hire, and since that didn't go down, now I have to start it all again from the beginning, and there are gaps in my security net.

I tell you all of that just to say that I am actually trying to do things, I'm not here to just beg and coast along on some sort of lavish lifestyle where I, uh. Keep living in this dodgy apartment with my cat.

I don't want to bore you with an itemized list, but like 2,000 US dollars would get me through September and October without being worried about it like every 3 minutes. My rent is 700 and change, if you would like to know that. So I'm looking for like September and October rent and money to renew my driver's license, pay a few utility bills, buy a bag of cat food, and refill my medications.

If you have the notion to toss help at an internet pal or the extended reblogged acquaintance of an Internet pal, as is more likely the case, probably, that would be super rad of you.

I'm an artist! You could get things with images on them from me! I sell buttons, prints, and commissioned illustrations if that's your thing. My commissions are going a bit slow as of late - I only recovered from being not really able to walk like 2 months ago, and so I'm doing a lot of catch up like everywhere else in my whole life and trying not to spend too much time at a desk since it aggravates the spine thing that was the problem in the first place.

To be honest, it would be a greater help to me to just receive some Aid rather than full-on commissions, but I completely understand feeling fishy about people getting something for nothing and also feeling bad for being a charity case on the internet, so I'm not opposed! If you want to chat about that, I have a commissions post on the side or top of my blog depending on where you're looking at this!

Ko-fi contains my buttons and is a good place to toss digital dead American presidents if that suits you. I will get hit by some PayPal fees in this process but, I'm willing to call that a call for help on the internet tax.

I promise I'm a real person and not a bot who has made up a cat and is pretending to have interests. My blog has been here since 2010! I've met people on this website in person and everything. I've had embarrassing obsessions no bot would bother coming up with. Speaking of:

Similarly to times before, I would like to be able to do something in order to feel like I have earned some kind of support, and as of my birthday last week I have resolved to try very hard in the next year to conquer my fear and absolute mortification about many of the things I make, so I will once again go digging into my archives for things I can post for you to enjoy as thanks and tribute! I also have a poll running right now to see what kind of buttons people want!

Thanks for taking a look! Be nice out there, take care of your spines!

[whatyadrawin]

The Fruit After The Flesh 18+ -Chapter 17

Minors DNI!

Masterlist

Approximately 5,002 words

Pairing: Thomas Hewitt (Headcanon) x AFAB reader

This chapters Warnings:  Sexual language, foul language, mention of violent acts and cannibalism. This is Slasher smut, be mindful of that and use your discretion.

A/n: My course work has slowed down for the next two semesters so I have a bit more time to figure out the last few chapters. There is the possibility of short form bonus material added after the final chapter so it doesn't have to be a stump of a story. Let me know if you want to be in the tag list. I update chapter progress on the masterlist whenever something changes.

Please enjoy this chapter! I worked very hard on it so reblogs, comments, and likes are appreciated very much.

Tag List: @fan-goddess , @artxasa , @baybaybear1 , @amour-tae , @dij-ology , @jillian-mill , @littlelovebug98 , @hrefna-the-raven

Chapter 17

An entire month had passed since Tommy had enhanced the pond area for you, it was now a sanctuary for your mind and body, and you visited it frequently. Luda Mae kept pestering you to come back to the house to live with them, and often times you would sleepover in your old room to placate her requests.

Tommy spent a lot of time with you in that month, as you joined him in his chores while the agriculture techs worked on upgrading your orchards current system. Fortunately for you the work was quick and moderately affordable considering the old system already had above-ground sprinklers set up. The fruit trees were a dream to care for now, only requiring pruning when needed and the harvests had been more abundant than ever thanks to the fancy new technology.

Today was as warm as to be expected for the beginning of August, the wheat field at the Hewitt house was late this year due to unusual spans of damp weather and cool temperatures in June causing a delay in the crop maturity. Charlie and Tommy were extremely busy with the harvest so you took to caring for the animals with Luda Mae while they washed and stored the crops.

You were just about finished filling the feeder and water trough in the chicken coop when you hear Luda Mae call out to you.

“Hi hun, didja get all these little hellraisers sorted?” she says.

You nod and exit through the gate, quickly closing it behind you before a very energetic hen could bolt out. She takes one of the buckets from your hands and helps you put it all away, she wipes her hands on her apron and gives you a smile,

“Welp, the cow stalls are all ready for the night, and the feed is restored. What say we go on n’ get some lemonade before we have to bring ‘em in hm?”

You smile back and agree, the both of you look out towards the wheat field where you can hear Charlie cursing out Tommy like he was a teenager reluctantly holding a flashlight for his dad. Luda Mae sighs,

“No matter how many times I warn him to be nice to my baby, he doesn’t listen and keeps carryin’ on. One day Thomas is gonna have had enough, and then Charlie will find Jesus… so to speak.”

You chuckle, and continue walking toward the house,

“Was he always like that to Tommy? And also, why does Tommy allow him to be mean like that?” you ask. Luda Mae takes some time to think, squishing her lips up as she digs in her memory.

“Hmm, it’s been so long I almost feel like it’s never been different. Charlie started being cruel when Thomas was going through puberty, but he really ain’t never been all that kind to Thomas.”

She opened the front door and led the way to the kitchen where she took out the lemonade and poured two cups, handing you one.

“Thomas ain’t the kind of boy to use his strength against the ones he loves. In fact, he tries to stay as docile as a lamb. He got real good at it too what with gettin’ used to the children in town bullyin’ him.”

You take a sip of lemonade and purse your lips at the sour taste, Luda Mae see’s your reaction and quickly looks concerned,

“Oh! I’m so sorry hun, I should have asked how you like your lemonade first. Let me water it down for you and add some sugar!” she reaches for your glass but you put your hand up and shake your head while giggling,

“I like it sour, I was just surprised by the intensity of the lemon is all. It’s good, thank you.”

She relaxes her stance and leans back on the counter taking a long sip from her glass. You drink again and savor the tart flavor, you pull out a seat from the small table and Luda Mae joins you.

“So, is that why Tommy became so primitive after he got rid of Dover?” you wanted to start digging into their past to better understand the man you intended to marry.

Luda Mae stares at her drink with a worried look on her face, you lean in to press the question,

“It’s just that… I… well, I know what happened here with you all back then, and I know it was a complex issue and things were becoming desperate so, I don’t want to-well what I mean to ask is… I…”

You suddenly felt very ill-equipped to handle such a deeply unsettling topic, but you burned with intrigue to learn more about the situation. -If I can’t get past their crimes then maybe I shouldn’t be a part of this family- you were now arguing in your head about the morality of their actions and how you looked past it for so long.

Luda Mae hangs her head and shakes it from side to side, she looks up at you with tears forming in her eyes and starts fiddling with a handkerchief she pulled from her pocket.

“I know you want to know more about our despicable past, but I just can’t bring myself to speak on it dear I’m so very sorry.” She quietly whimpered and turned her face away from you to hide her anguish. You didn’t intend to hurt her by asking, you place your hand on her knee,

“I really didn’t mean to upset you Mae, I think I just really need to know what I am getting myself into with marrying your son. I won’t ask you about it again, I’m sorry.”

She looked back at you and pushed out a crooked, strained smile as tears ran down her cheek. Seeing her so upset broke your heart and made you feel guilty for asking the question. -If she is so broken about the past then maybe I have my answer on where she stands with their heinous actions- you think to yourself about how you are basically stuck with them regardless, since you were complicit in the murder of Dover and vowed to keep quiet about it. -maybe I should just let sleeping dogs lie- You stand up and begin to leave the room until you hear Luda Mae say something you couldn’t hear properly, you turn back and ask what she said,

“If you need to find out about our past, I reckon Thomas might just be the best person to ask. Charlie is… well, I love my brother like the lord asks of us, but he’s got an evil deep in him that broke out his body back then. It must have been ‘cus of the starvation, he’s different now mind you, but he still has that darkness lingering in his soul.” She let out a wavering breath and drank more from her lemonade.

You thank her and leave her alone to allow her some recovery. You waited in your room until the sun began to sink in the sky, you could hear Charlie and Tommy putting away the harvest vehicles and closing up the main barn doors. You get up and leave toward the meadow where the cows were wandering and see Luda Mae waiting at the meadow gate, she sees you coming up and waves you over.

“Alright hun, let’s get these heifers in the barn for bed.” Her voice had a sad tone to it, and you gently grabbed her forearm to turn her to face you,

“I’m sorry for upsetting you earlier, you know I care about you. I stupidly asked something personal and should have been more mindful with my words and I hope you can forgive that fumbling.” You tilt your head to the side waiting for her response. She gives you an earnest smile and places her soft, warm hand on your cheek,

“Oh hun, don’t be apologizing for wantin’ to know more. I know it’s weighin’ on your mind and you have every right to find out about your new family, it’s only fair you get all the information you ask for.” She removes her hand from your cheek and you drop her forearm from your hand,

“It’s a painful thing to remember for me, I regret everything that happened and there ain’t no good excuse for what we did but, I’m sorry, I just can’t speak about it. You understand hm?” she looks at you and waits for your response,

You smile and nod, “I understand. Are we good?” you ask.

“Of course we are dear, you just get your questions to Tommy, but know that there’s a chance he may not be so open about it.”

She places her hand on your shoulder as you both walk towards the cows who are already trotting towards the open gate.

You head towards the far end of the meadow to call out to the other cows who straggled behind, they slowly make their way to the gate and you follow behind them at a safe distance. Luda Mae gives you a proud smile as the last cow exited the meadow,

“You learn quick dear, I love a smart woman.”

You felt quite proud yourself with how quickly you took to the caretaking of the animals; farms are hard work even on small ones like the Hewitts have, but you felt a sense of self-worth every time you completed a task, the work gave you a new meaning to living and felt therapeutic.

When you and Luda Mae closed up the barn and got back inside the house, you immediately went to your room to shower off all the dirt of the day. You collected some toiletries that you had left at the house from whenever you slept over, and grabbed some spare clothes but when you went to open the door to the bathroom, you saw it was locked. Someone was already showering in there, you went around to the parlor to wait for whoever it was when Luda Mae stopped in the doorway holding towels,

“Charlie’s in there dear, take a towel and go to the basement shower, Tommy doesn’t take as long as Charlie to clean up and you’ll be guaranteed hot water after he’s done, unlike some people” she nods in the direction of Charlie and rolls her eyes, you laugh and take a towel before heading to the basement floor.

The basement was dark, the lights were even more dim than usual and you had trouble seeing. You carefully lowered your foot before each step, testing the length and height to be sure, until you reached the bottom where your eyes adjusted to the dark. You look up and see a few of the wall lights were burnt out, you look to the end of the hall and see the red glow of Tommy’s room light casting a menacing look on the already creepy basement.

You turn into the bathroom and switch on the lights, the fluorescent bulb flickers before it wakes and reveals the bathroom to be littered with wet towels next to dirty laundry on the floor. -Well I guess it makes sense that he might be a little messy, being such a mommas boy- you smirk from the thought and turn on the bathtub tap, you clean your body off and don’t plug the drain so the tub doesn’t fill up with dirty water. You rub the soap over your body and turn to check if you locked the door, it was open slightly ajar and you had a salacious thought cross your mind -I wonder if Tommy would hide and watch me bathe if I left it open- You blush to yourself and rinse off the suds.

You liked the idea of Tommy getting hot under the collar from simply seeing you with no clothes on, but he was not in the doorway. He was extra careful to make sure he would never see you naked without you knowing, he told you how Luda Mae always taught him to be respectful of women, especially when he liked them, and he was still embarrassed by the first time you caught him.

You got out of the tub and felt relaxed from the wash, you dried off and began to change into fresh clothes until you noticed you forgot a shirt -For fucks sake, of course I forget a shirt- You didn’t want to walk upstairs with no shirt on in front of Charlie, and you didn’t want to put your old shirt on since it was dirty with sweat and now damp from water splashing onto it from the tub. You stand in silence trying to figure out how to possibly sneak into your room from the basement. -Wait! I can just go get a shirt from Tommy!-

You step out of the bathroom with your flip flops on, holding a towel to your chest to cover yourself. You stop when you get to his door and bite your lip thinking of the first time you saw him tower over you with a red rim of light lining his intimidating silhouette. You shake your head to snap out of it and knock on the door,

“Tommy? It’s Y/N*. I need to borrow a shirt. Can I come in?” you wait for a response.

You hear some shuffling and then the door opens. You see Tommy staring down at you with a confused look, his face hidden by the leather mask, he has a tight black t-shirt on and those loose grey sweats you like. He moves to the side and lets you pass, he looks over your half naked body as you get by and hums to himself like he was trying to figure out a puzzle,

“Can I borrow a shirt or what?” you ask playfully.

He closes the door behind him and leans back on it, looking you up and down with his arms crossed, letting out a satisfied huff of air through his nose. You bite your lip and blush, knowing the sight of you is causing him torment,

“You going to keep me locked in here and stare at me all night?” you ask with a coy tone.

“That ain’t a bad idea.” He jokes.

You smile at him and hold your towel a little looser, he walks over to a small closet and grabs a tank top, keeping his eyes on you the whole time.

He says, “I should be givin’ you some privacy but, y’ain’t easy t’look away from.”

You let out a laugh and blush from the pleasing words,

“I guess it doesn’t make sense to be modest in front of you since you have already seen all of me by now”

He hands you a nice-looking maroon tank top and crosses his arms again after you grab it, you could tell he had a smug look on his face from under his mask,

“You are still wearing the mask?” you ask

He tilts his head, retaining his expression, “Some habits ain’t easy t’break.” His tone was flirtatious and only made you more aroused than you already were.

You turn around and drop the towel,

“Yer killin’ me, y’vixen”

You giggle and put the shirt on, it was grossly oversized on you and felt more like a long dress. You tie it up at the waist to accommodate the size difference but the arm holes were so big your breasts could be exposed out the side at any moment. You turn back around and ask,

“Well? How does it look?”

Tommy gives a deep chuckle,

“I think y’make it sexier ‘n I e’er could.” He gives you a wink that sends a pleasing tingle down to your underside.

He stood there towering over you, it felt impossible to get used to how tall he was compared to you and it was enough to make you feral with lust sometimes. You walked up to him and gently trailed your hand up his thigh, you could see there was already a certain body part beginning to slowly swell.

“Are you trying to have restraint tonight?” you whisper

Tommy uncrosses his arms and lets out a sigh,

“Y’love tormentin’ me dontcha?”

You give him a sly look, “Wanna punish me then?”

“Can’t get enough o’me huh.” He tilts his head to the side and watches you through half lidded eyes heavy with desire.

You abruptly stop touching him and laugh to yourself, he grunts in confusion,

“What’s goin’ on in that pretty li’l head o’ yours.”

You turn towards the door and start walking, Tommy reaches out and grabs your hand and pulls you back in to face him,

“Where ya runnin’ off to y’little devil?” he says through a laugh.

Your smile fades as you speak, “I just realized how silly I was being when I actually need to talk to you about something serious. I’m scared of how you will respond.”

Tommy sits on his bed and puts his hands together as his arms rested on his thighs,

“Why would y’be scared?” he asks concernedly

You stare at the floor and aimlessly play with the knot you made to tie your shirt,

He asks again, “Baby y’can ask me anythin’… y’know that right? Don’t be scared, I ain’t never gon’ hurt ya.”

You shake your head, “I’m not worried about you hurting me, I’m worried you might get upset and shut me out, or not say anything at all… or both.” You slowly look up at him through your lashes, your brow wrinkled with worry.

“Well hell, now I really need t’know what you gon’ ask.” He stares at you and notices how worried you look, he makes his voice calmer and follows, “I promise I ain’t gon’ do nothin’ like that. Y’wanna come sit next t’me?” he pats the spot to his left, but you shake your head again,

“I think I should stand, just for now.” You say.

Tommy didn’t like the fact that you would think he would get mad at you and ice you out, he worked so hard to be more open and communicative to break his old ways of keeping quiet and to himself. He nodded and sat up straight,

“Alright then, go ‘head n’ talk.”

You purse your lips, you felt anxious at the possibility of a negative reaction so you chose your words carefully,

“I wanted to know the truth, from your mouth directly, about the time in the past none of you want to talk about. I know it’s none of my business, but I figured since we want to get married it is something I should know about.” You felt your core tense up as you finished your question and waited for a response.

Tommy looked away from you and stared at the floor, “Oh…”

You didn’t say a word, and as Tommy was quietly thinking, you could see his brow furrow which made you worry more. He remained in thought for what felt like ages, so you took a step closer,

“Well?” your voice trembled.

Tommy looked up at you and nodded, “Ok, I think yer right, y’should know, it makes sense.” He let out a big sigh and took off his mask and set it on the side table next to his bed, “If I do this, I don’t wanna hide behind no mask.”

You felt some relief at his mature response, but now you had to think of the questions. He gets off the bed and takes your hand in his, bending low to give the top of your palm a kiss, “Come” he says softly.

You walk with him out of his room and in front of the steel doors that he aggressively slammed shut when you first tried to enter a while back. He is stopped at the entrance and sighs,

“I s’pose I oughtta let y’into this room now.”

You watch him slowly open the heavy factory style door with little effort, the room is dark and Tommy guides you inside. A wave of nervous energy fills your stomach causing the hairs on your arm to lift, the room smells like fresh dirt and damp stone. Tommy leaves you and walks off somewhere in the room and asks,

“Y’ready?”

“Y-yes” You respond.

An orange hued light shines down in the room from hanging factory lights that came from a long-gone era. The room is strangely very minimal, you see the floor is old cracked tile with multiple spots for drainage, to your left is a slab table that’s rusted and damaged, next to the table against the wall is a long counter-top area. You look around and see the walls are built up using random stone, and moss has begun to slowly grow between the cracked grout.

You ask, “I thought I saw… hanging hooks when I opened the door the first time?”

Tommy nodded, “Got rid of ‘em n’ cleaned this here room out a while back.”

“How come?”

He walked around and looked up at the ceiling, “When y’said y’wanted t’be with me forever… I figured I better get rid o’ the last bits o’ evil left so y’feel safe.”

You hug yourself with your arms, you were glad he wasn’t hiding anything but you needed the full truth from him, even if it makes you sick, “Ok then, tell me what you all did during those hard times before Tilly.”

Tommy leaned against the wall in front of you and crossed his arms, “Things got real bad out here. The town got poor n’ the people all up n’ left. We was the last few folks who stayed, couldn’t afford t’leave. When the food ran out, things started goin’ south.”

He looked down at the floor, “Y’ever been so hungry ‘at y’start seein’ things?”

You shake your head, your upbringing was not great and many nights you ate sleep for dinner but you never got so starved that you would hallucinate.

He continues, “Well, when y’get that hungry, y’become somethin’ else, like you was losin’ yer humanity. Desperate.” He lets out a sigh, “Momma tried her best t’find anythin’ to eat, she picked the town clean until nothin’ was left not even wild animals to hunt, was like god turned on us or somethin’. It got so bad we was eatin’ grass n’ it made us sick.” He paused and you looked at him and lowered your arms,

“Why didn’t you guys travel to the next town?” you inquire

He shakes his head, “Back then there wasn’t no town for a days drive n’ we had no gas for the one truck we kept.”

“Oh” you mumble

He continues, “One day, uncle Charlie came home with an ice bucket full o’ meat, looked like ham hocks or somethin’, was all skinned n’ fresh. Momma asked him where he got it from, n’ what it was. Charlie told us he stole it from a passerby n’ scared ‘em off. Momma didn’t wanna ask more, she was dyin’ from starvation, she trusted him.” Tommy looked angry, “She trusted him, n’ so did I!” He turned to face the wall and slammed his fist on it, “Got-dammit!” you could see his face grimace with emotional pain. You walk up to him and rub his back, he lets out a few long breaths and turns to you and slinks down to the floor putting his head in his hands.

“I’m ok, I’m ok” he says in an assured tone.

He drops his hands and looks up at you, his blue eyes now shimmering with the promise of tears. You could begin to see what he may have looked like as a little boy, trembling and lonely from the bullying he went through. The sight of him like that tugged at your heart and made it ache,

“It’s ok if you need to stop. I don’t want you to push yourself.”

He waved his hand and sat forward with his legs raised up and his arms resting on his knees,

“No I’m gon’ get through it, I need to.” He continues, “We ate that meat, was the best meal we had in a long time, we stored the rest so it’d last us. Felt like we were alive again, don’t know how else to s’plain it.” Tommy paused for a minute, staring off into nothing, then continued, “We found out the truth a few days later when the last pieces were ate up. Momma pushed uncle Charlie too far with questions, he cracked and told us it was people.” Tommy muttered under his breath and spoke more, “Momma lost her mind n’ I felt sick as a dog. I started wretchin’ but I was so starved ‘at nothin’ came out, big guy like me gets hungry faster then smaller folk.”

“It must have been hell for you.” You felt your stomach drop from the admittance, you follow up with a question, “What made you all keep eating people though? Why not just leave in search of a new home?”

He huffs, “This family was livin’ on this land fer decades, there was too much pride. I woulda up n’ left but I didn’t wanna leave momma out here alone t’die.”

You sit on the ground next to him and ask, “What made Charlie kill a person?”

Tommy rubbed the back of his head as it hung between his arms, “He said some guy rolled up askin’ fer gas, uncle Charlie said we ain’t got none and asked if the guy had any food on him. He told us the guy pulled out a gun on uncle Charlie n’ he had to do it. He told us the blood comin’ out the mans cuts made him crazy, he only saw meat and not a man, so he did what he did.”

You felt sick, the scenario was dire and it all made sense but it was hard to hear, it didn’t seem like a real thing that could happen. Tommy looked at you with the saddest eyes you had ever seen, he looked defeated,

You hesitantly ask the last question that came to mind, “How did you guys…what made you keep doing it?”

Tommy kept his eye contact with you and spoke quietly, “When y’eat a person, somethin’ inside you changes n’ makes you different then y’ever were before. Makes y’do things you ain’t never thought you’d be capable of… we started cravin’ it somethin’ fierce, like wild animals.” He shakes his head slowly, “The next town was bein’ built, the one y’visited a few months back.”

You nod, remembering the old man who warned you about Fuller.

Tommy continued, “More n’ more people would pass through, we stole gas, filled up the station, we stole cars n’ y’see ‘em near the forest out back, we took whatever people showed up n’ no lawman seemed to bat an eye, never saw one come ‘round, like we was forgotten. We shoulda just died n’ stayed human.” Tommy crossed his arms and tilted his head to the ceiling with closed eyes.

He keeps going, “We did it for a long while ‘til Tilly came n’ saved us all, delivered us from evil as momma likes sayin’. And that’s all of it, that’s what we did n’ why.”

You let out a long sigh, this was a lot of information to take in and it still didn’t feel real. You felt a few questions come up, and you asked,

“Were you the one to kill any of the people you ate?”

Tommy sighed, “Yes”

“How many?” you were very firm in your tone.

Tommy slunk, “Too many”

You nod and he adds, “I wasn’t there in my mind, it left my body when I did it n’ I cant remember a lot of it no more. It’s like when y’saw me after Dover, I went out my head n’ only came back when I heard y’call out fer me.”

You remembered that time, how he looked like another creature, how he behaved like an animal, you saw him dissociate from his reality. You ask,

“Did you do all the killing?”

He shook his head, “Momma saw how uncle Charlie was usin’ me fer easy kills, she whooped him hard, she whooped him so bad he was bleedin’ was almost dead. I never saw her so mad in my life. After that beatin’ uncle Charlie told me I ain’t gotta kill no one s’long as I butcher the meat, he said I better do it ‘cus I know how it was done on them cows n’ pigs all proper… Butcherin’ pigs n’ cows is already somethin’ awful… but butcherin’ people.” Tommy trailed off and had the color drain from his face. He looked at you and asked softly “I hope you ain’t got no more questions, I think I had about all I can handle. I’m sorry.”

You rub his arm, “I think I know enough. Thank you for being honest, I know this was hard.”

Tommy stands up and offers his hand to help you up, you take the help and he pulls you up from the floor. He holds your hands in his and looks into your eyes,

“I need you to know, I ain’t that person no more, s’far as the past goes, it was someone else who ain’t never comin’ back. Never ever.”

You conjure up a weak smile, you nod and say “I think I need to be alone to process this. I’m going to go home and get some rest. I’ll come back tomorrow and tell you what I think.” Tommy nodded and walked you out of the room after shutting the light, he watched you go up the stairs and he suddenly felt sick with anxiety. All he could think was that this would be the last time he saw you, he felt it coming. After all, who could love a monster like him?

[shoot-of-corruption]

PSA and Happy Holidays!

This is going to be a long post that explains my absence for a lengthy time and what is going to happen in the future.

If you are not interested in reading this, that is completely fine, I want to wish you a very merry holiday time and a happy new year.

For anybody else, who is interested in what is going on in my crazy life right now:

My wife has long since searched for a way to get into a good internship job. It was an absolute mammoth task, where we are currently live, because let's be honest, this Christian community here doesn't want us queer gals around and we feel this every day.

I have felt like an outcast for years, honestly since I was 8 years old and I was never able to make real lasting connections. Either I got used or manipulated and I simply felt like I never fit into this very religious community. My wife is experiencing even worse things, especially since she came out as trans.

Additionally we never found any really long lasting endurable jobs, some thing you want to do for more than just a few months or a year, because you simply want to survive and do something so you can have enough money.

I kind of gave up wanting to find something, since I hadn't gotten any acceptance here, but she was still fighting for a long time, but got nothing but vehement refusal, wherever she applied around here.

And. She. Got. The. JOB.

None of this made our respective depressions any better or like gave our "meaningless" lives any sparkle of hope and a goal to look forward to.

Both of us were close to giving up hope until she applied for a job a few hundred kilometers ago, away from the Christian community we currently live in. She wanted to work with museums or literature and thus applied for an internship as a book saleswoman for a very renowned book store.

Both of us were on cloud nine, we honestly still are and luckily we have been saving some money already! Currently we saved up 1250€, because we have quite a long move before us and also a kind of insecure situation, where we have to find a new home and I also need to get together a smooth change into a new job.

So what I am here to ask for is a bit of your help actually. We are going to open a gofundme page, which I will insert here at a later time and I also have a paypal ( xxsangnoirexx@gmail.com ) and Ko-Fi page - but not without offering you a little something in return.

On my own two pages, you will always be able to donate a little something, and in return, I will offer you an art piece to make up for your nice gesture and help for our new life!

You do not have to leave any money there, it is holiday time and a lot of people don't have enough to spare and I completely accept this.

We need to move around the middle of June next year and I have an offer to make for everybody, who wants to donate.

If you have read to this point, I want to thank you very much, both of us are scared but also very excited for this new change! I also might have a new job opportunity for a home office job, which will help me with less standing and bad posture work, plus regenerate some issues that my skin has with the cold-

Everyone, who donates, will be allowed to ask for an art piece, FREE OF FURTHER CHARGE, of course it will be something tailored to your donation, but I will be completely willing to draw your OCs, I will take into account wishes or references, etc.

As long as I have no problems with drawing your wishes (which I will tell you), I definitely will make up for your generosity!

Finally something is going to go right!!!

All in all, it is just an amazing opportunity and I am extremely excited to FINALLY move on. It is amazing that I have been here for so long and you guys are still with me, here - and now, FINALLY after years of depression and almost no movement, this happens!

I honestly can barely contain my joy, I am practically jittering with happiness and nerves.

Thank all of you for staying here with me and I hope your holidays will be just as joyous as mine!

I love you all! Stay crispy!

[cainache]

the muse behind what’s new ♱ eddie munson

part ii

It’s late. The TV is only static. One of the two antennas is bent by your roommate's cat, which now just lingers on the couch silently—sleeping. You’re in no mood to fix it or get up to turn it off.

The apartment is hot. It’s late June. A window is cracked open to your right, your eyes are glazed over and lost in connection with nothing in particular. You’ve been staring out the window for a little too long now. You watch the world outside, quiet and dark. The apartment building is towards the middle of Hawkins where everything is loud—yet everything is quiet.

Hawkins has hushed down in the last few years.

All the kids and their hyper personalities have grown and moved away. College. Adults. Futures. Yours has stayed here. College isn’t what it seemed to you at seventeen edging eighteen. You’re twenty one now and it’s all so.. simple.

It’s the same thing everyday. It makes things feel less real. Less important. Less for you.

You’ve seemed to crawl away from what had mattered months ago. Friends. Parties. The things that make young adults feel much of anything.

It’s all quiet now, and you’re not sure why. You don’t remember how you’d gotten here.

You don’t hear the front door unlock and creak open. You don’t notice Maren’s cat skit across the room and towards her owner's legs. You only move away from the trance of the window when something is slammed on the dining table right before you.

You flinch. Maren smiles.

“Sorry, it’s late. I brought you food.” Maren is more outgoing than you’ve ever been. It’s nice living with her. You smile small at her. “Thank you,” your friends had gone out for dinner—it had been the last day of finals. And while you’d been invited, you wanted to go home and lay in bed. You did. You’ll regret it in a week, like you always do.

Your eyes finally seem to drift to what had been dropped on the dining table. “Days paper.” Maren says gently as she moves towards the small kitchen area, she places your wrapped food in the microwave. Yet she doesn’t start to heat it up. She can tell you aren’t hungry right now. You’re never really hungry anymore.

Your heart is pounding right now. Suddenly.

You’re staring at a big headline, makes you a little sick. The Muse Behind Corroded Coffin’s New Album. There’s ringing in your ears as you take the paper into your hands, the pad of your thumb running over the printed photo. He’s there. He’s always there. To his side, drowning under his heavily tattooed arm is a girl. She’s beaming at the camera. Eyes so small from her large smile. She’s picture perfect for the lense. Eddie has her pulled so close even you can feel the proximity. His face is turned towards her, nose to her temple as his tongue runs up along her cheek. They look cool.

He has more tattoos since he’s left home.

In the background of the photo are the rest of the boys, laughing and drinking.

They’ve made it big a few years ago, when you decided you wanted to stay here and Eddie couldn’t. He couldn’t rot in Hawkins any longer. That was the last time you’d seen him. Felt him. He’s twenty four now and is in one of the biggest bands to make it loud. It makes you sick on occasions. Like when a song of theirs plays on the radio. Or when someone from town has a shirt with their faces and guitars on it.

You wish to hate him. But how can you wish to hate someone who followed their dream. You thought you’d been following yours as well.

The girl under his arm is Cady Lovewell, so the paper says. Even her name is achingly perfect. She’s an upcoming model from New York. Eddie’s name has helped her a lot. And her name has helped Eddie a lot. The new album’s about her. It’s all love, sex, drugs, and rock.

“Anything new?” You almost forgot Maren was in the room. Your eyes drift from the paper to her’s. She’s leaning against the kitchen counter with a glass of water. “What?” You let out softly. She nods towards the paper in your hands. You suddenly drop it like it’s burned you. It has. Maren seems to notice. “Rockstar again?”

You simply shrug. “Yeah.”

Maren hums gently, smiles. “I still think you did the right thing. You know? Doing what was right for you. I know saying bye to him sucked..but I’m proud you did what you did.” You hadn’t known her when Eddie left. It was a few months before college when he left. And when you had met her, it seemed, it was the best thing to happen to you in awhile. She’s a good friend.

So, you force out a smile for her. Your good friend.

If you had heard the words from her a few years ago you would’ve felt over the moon. Now they don’t do much. “Thanks, Mar.” She smiles small at you and swipes up her cat, they both disappear into the small hall and eventually her room.

Your eyes drift back to the paper. You wonder if your mother still sees these? If she still sees Eddie’s face and goes I used to know that boy. My daughter loved him. I think he loved my daughter as well. Your mother probably still sees these, like you do. You look for them without meaning to. It’s the only way you get updates on him and his life of fame. Even if they do more bad than good, for you.

You read the article again and pick at a hangnail on your thumb, till it bleeds. You don’t notice. The paper has made you too anxious to feel much of anything else.

The album was definitely inspired by Cady Lovewell.

Though, if you asked Eddie Munson personally and off the record—he’d say a completely different name then Cady Lovewell.

But you would never know that.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for assuming my friend was single? (TW: small mention of suicidal ideation)

I (21FTM) have known Jake (22M) since we were in middle school. We became close friends early on during high school, and have had a good relationship ever since. When he and his long-term girlfriend broke up during our junior year, I was the person he turned to the most. The break-up was bad. Like, really bad. Bad to the point where I sometimes worry that he wouldn’t be here today if he hadn’t reached out to me. (Not in the sense that he was unhealthily dependent on me, or that I felt responsible for his mental health. He got a therapist and responsibly handled all that with her, but only at my insistence, and I fear that’s a step he never would’ve taken if I didn’t insist.) By senior year, he and became FWB. We weren’t worried about it messing with our friendship—he’s heteroromantic, i’m aro—and it continued for about a year until the both of us left for college. We’ve stayed friends and our relationship has remained close. We talk so often that it rarely feels like anything’s changed at all.

December of last year, he excitedly told me that he got a girlfriend again in Emily (21?F). I was ecstatic, of course. He’d struggled a lot with the idea of a romantic relationship after his last girlfriend, and I was happy he felt comfortable enough to open up again. As I said, his previous relationship really fucked him up. Anyways, because of the distance, I never got to actually talk to Emily much outside of when she was at his place during our video calls. She was super nice from the few times we did interact, and from the way he described her when she wasn’t around, you’d think she was a literal angel. Him gushing about her lasted up until early May. Suddenly, he didn’t mention her at all. It was like she never existed. I didn’t see her once at his place, and the few times I tried to ask about her, he instantly shut me down. He was more down than usual, not to the point of worry like I’d previously seen him, but to the point were it was notable. I asked him a few times if he was alright, and reminded him that I was there whenever he needed me, but he just said that he was going through something rough and that he’d be okay, but didn’t really want to talk about it. I didn’t want to push, and from the way he reacted whenever i brought up Emily’s name, and from his previous experience, I assumed she and him had broken up. I had no way to contact her to check, and even if I did, that’d feel like overstepping, considering I never talked to her when he wasn’t around. It was obviously a sensitive subject and stressing him out, so I followed his lead and just didn’t mention her at all. Their relationship wasn’t my business, after all, and if he didn’t want to tell me what happened, that was his right.

School got out for the summer, and shortly after both of us returned home, he asked if I wanted to rekindle our FWB relationship for the summer. It wasn’t like it was the first thing out of his mouth, and he seemed to be doing a lot better seeing him in person, so I agreed. That was in the beginning of June. Cut to two days ago, nearly two months later. Jake left for a family vacation a week prior, and will only be returning at the end of the month. Meanwhile, I meet up with one of our mutual friends who I haven’t been able to see until now due to our conflicting schedules. While talking, she makes some joke about Jake and Emily having “trouble in paradise.” My heart stops as I ask her what she means. Didn’t they break up months ago? She tells me no, they’ve been having relationship issues for a while, but they’re still very much together. She shows me a picture from Emily’s instagram (I don’t use instagram, for reference) that Emily had posted just a few hours ago of her and Jake kissing on the beach. What Jake conveniently forgot to tell me about his “family vacation” is that his girlfriend had *also* been invited.

I instantly tried messaging him that we need to talk, but either he isn’t checking his phone (unlikely) or he knows I know and is purposefully ignoring me. Logically, I know that he’s the bigger asshole in this situation. But I can’t help but feel slightly at fault. I feel like I should’ve questioned him more, or found some way to reach out to her, or even asked any of our other mutual friends about it, because obviously at least one (maybe even some) of them knew, and all of his could’ve been avoided. I also don’t know what to do regarding Emily. I have her instagram now, curtesy of my friend, but I’m afraid to message her. Not necessarily afraid to break the news, I’m already constructing a message to send to her (which I will be doing), but more afraid that she won’t believe me. I’ll have to make an account, and I’m afraid her being messaged by a blank account created only hours ago from a guy she talked to a few dozen times, max, may be sketchy. I don’t know what I’ll do if she doesn’t believe me (I have a few messages from him, but no photos, and those screenshots could be easily faked), because there’s no other way for me to contact her. If she blocks me or ignores the message because of how sketchy it sounds, there’s nothing else I can do.

TLDR: I assumed my friend had broken up with his girlfriend due to him acting weird when I brought her up, became FWB, only to find out he was using me to cheat on her. AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[eddiemunsonswhxre]

where have i been?

an update for those curious.

hey there my loves, long time no see.

i’m not sure how many of you will actually read this or care to see why i haven’t written in over a year now but typing this stuff out helps me process and get back into my groove.

well, today is january 16, 2024. the last thing i posted that was an actual one shot was posted on january 3, 2023. i haven’t written since. 2023 was my worst year yet and caused me to learn a lot about people and myself.

things were going alright in the beginning, i was in my second semester of college and my biggest problem was 2 of my 3 roommates (lived in a quad) hated each other so me and my bestie/3rd roommate had to play mediator and it was exhausting. i started liking a guy and got my hopes up. and i started to get more and more annoyed with school and my living situation every day. i was ecstatic to move out of that room despite hating my hometown. the day of move out, one of my roommates who i thought was someone very close to me blocked me and all of our friends on everything with no explanation but we knew she wasn’t coming back for 23-24.

i like where i grew up for a maximum of a week at a time, after that my depression just kicks my ass and im not having a great time. my plan for the summer was to work my ass off so much so that i wouldn’t have time to think of anything else. that backfired, because a few days after i came home one of my two jobs fell through unexpectedly and my other job was giving me less than half the hours they promised me. i was broke. everyone says it’s so easy to get a job these days because everyone is hiring but i applied to over ten places within a reasonable distance from me and didn’t get a single one. so i spent too much time with myself and that’s not normally a good thing.

to make matters even worse, in june my mom was sentenced to three years in prison for a crime she committed back in 2020. i don’t want to get into too many specifics, but my mom would never harm anyone she just has struggled with addiction. my mom was my constant emotional support, and knowing she was no longer going to be around ripped me to shreds. not even a month later after my mom was shipped off to prison, my dog died. and i know you might think “dogs die all the time it’s a pet.” but my dog was much more than that. she wasn’t even three years old and was a beautiful great pyrenees german shepard mix and she was the sweetest girl ever. i don’t care how ridiculous it sounds, because i know my soul and hers were meant to be together. i was even in the process of registering her as an emotional support animal so i could take her to college with me because she was finally old enough and for the most part out of the puppy phase. but one night out of nowhere she got really sick and within an hour of her showing signs something was wrong she died while i was holding her. not the greatest thing for a 19 year old who’s already struggling to experience. it took my over a month to stop seeing her like that every time i closed my eyes. call me dramatic, but that dog really was a child to me.

after that, i went to stay with my cousin for a few weeks and that was nice but i still knew i wasn’t feeling right. i moved back to school in august and had way too high of hopes that everything would fix itself. surprise, it didn’t. in fact, i just got worse. i reached lows i haven’t hit in over two years. i was having roommate problems, i was trying to do way too much at once, and i was neglecting my health. i had a breakdown.

the highlight of my semester was taking a week off to visit my best friend since age 2 for her birthday (she lives roughly a 2 hour plane ride away from me now) with our other two best friends. then i came back and immediately totaled my car. my car was a piece of shit yes, but it got me places. not having a car when you’re a person who drives around to destress is not fun. i was even worse mentally at this point and i was trying so so hard to get into my overbooked doctor to get my medications raised. the only constant i had were my three friends at school and my studies. so i threw myself into them. i was never alone and if i was i was nose deep in a text book. i was just avoiding the rest of my existence. i was able to get my meds upped and decided i was done wallowing. i started a diet that is actually manageable and enjoyable and discovered for the first time workouts that i actually liked doing. it was something small, but i knew i was turning myself around.

i went home for winter break knowing it was going to be tough. i also had to spend this time looking for a new car. it was an extremely stressful process to say the least. but i focused on myself, taking all the time for myself that i needed and processing everything that had made me get to such a bad place. i’ve always been very spiritual, so i dove more into that as well as trusting the universe.

i’ve decided that 2024 will be my best year yet. i got a new car, im getting a new job, im doing great in school, my mom is getting released from prison literally six hours after i post this, and im taking care of myself in more ways than one. while doing a lot of that reflecting, i remembered how much i used to love to write and how that passion just died after loving it since i was ten. i started small, doing short story exercises and getting into reading again. i finally, after an entire year, have my passion for writing back.

i can’t promise i’ll be consistent with uploads because i’ve decided that my goal for the year is to write a novel. so that project is going to be my main focus and it isn’t anything fanfic related, it’s actually a psychological thriller. more than likely i will be asking for opinions on here throughout the year as well.

with that said, my plans this year for this blog are to keep posting. eddie munson is mainly who i write for, but i want to expand my horizons. i want to challenge myself with genres and types of characters. i will greatly appreciate any requests you can give and i promise i will read through them. if i don’t post them right away, just know it may come out three months later. sometimes inspiration sparks at weird times.

if you’ve read this far, thank you. i hope this can inspire you to see that there’s light at the end of the tunnel but sometimes you’ve gotta dig the extra dirt to it yourself. beyond thankful to anyone who was here a year ago and has come back to read my new stuff- you made an aspiring writer really proud of herself.

much much love

-eddiemunsonswhxre 🤍

[theonethatyaks93]

Hi everyone!! I’m not dead, I’m back!! I apologize for the lack of posts recently; I was taking a break. But now, I’m ready to make regular posts again. But before we get back to our regularly scheduled programming, I have some exciting news! Last night, I attended both performances of Animaniacs in Concert!!! I finally got the opportunity to see this after two years of wanting and wishing. I was so excited!! Both shows were absolutely amazing and there were so many incredible songs, both recognizable and unreleased. I also laughed so hard that I got a minor headache. But it was worth it! I had the time of my life and it was so cool to see the number of fans who also love this show. So many people were wearing t-shirts or carrying the Animaniacs Loungefly backpack around. There were even some younger fans there and that was so awesome. I, of course, went all out, wearing an Animaniacs t-shirt, Pinky and The Brain leggings, a Pinky and The Brain sweatshirt, Pinky and Brain socks, my own Animaniacs backpack, and my cool Nike Air Force Ones which I’ve christened my “space shoes.” I got to sit in the third and second row at the venue (which I’ve been to many times) and I cheered and clapped as loud as I could. The talent here was unbelievable. Rob was incredible and I can’t believe he can sing this good. He is truly my inspiration. Randy was amazingly talented and it was great to finally see him. I was ecstatic when Maurice came on stage since I’ve never seen him in person before. The real Pinky and Brain were right in front of me!!! Ahhhhhh!!! This show was not only entertaining and hilarious, but I also learned a few new things and got to hear a few songs I’ve never heard before (I can’t get that song about things getting smaller out of my head!). Even my parents, who aren’t as into the show as I am, had a great time. Seriously, whenever they come back, I’m buying tickets pronto! This was incredible and I loved it so much. However, the best part of this experience would come before and after each show.

(This is kind of a real name reveal so surprise!!)

I met both Rob and Maurice not just once, but twice!!! OMG!! This has been a dream of mine for a long time and it’s come true. I hope I can meet them again soon! So, I’m going to get into a little story about what happened and what has happened in the past few months. Back in June of 2022, I got a surprise Cameo message from Rob, which made my entire summer! I actually started crying when I got the surprise and I thought that my dream of meeting him would never come true. I mean, he did respond to a few of my questions on Instagram Live back in October of 2022 (I stayed on for four hours!) but I really wanted to meet him. Thankfully, I got my wish when for an early Christmas present from my parents, I got to meet and talk to Rob for over an hour on Cameo. It was a great experience and my parents enjoyed it, too. I still wanted to meet him in-person, but this was close enough. And then, Animaniacs in Concert came around. I got tickets to both shows as a Christmas present back in December and I expected just to have a fun time. I did not expect to meet both Rob and Maurice twice! I met Rob before the first show. My mom pointed him out just walking into the lobby and I, of course, rushed over to him. It took a minute, but he did remember me and my family from the Cameo. We took some pictures and he was just the sweetest person you’ll ever meet. We even hugged! I was so excited and I was even shaking a little. After my family went home for an hour after the first show, we came back and though I’d seen it before, I was still excited. And then, when we were pulling into the parking lot, we saw Maurice walking down the street!!! We rushed to park and we got to meet him! I was so ecstatic! He was really nice and I got some pictures with him. It was an honor!! After the second show, my family waited so we could maybe meet Rob and Maurice and get them to sign my book (Which was in fact Rob’s book, Voice Lessons). We were about to leave when my mom said that they were just hanging out in the auditorium. We rushed in there and waited a few minutes. Rob even remembered my name! Eeeeeeeeeeeee! We got to meet him again and the Maurice showed up and joined us! They both were the sweetest things and they both signed my book! We got some pictures and I even got to show some of my impressions to them. They liked my voices especially when I did both Yakko and Pinky. Some people were even surprised! I told them how much Pinky and Brain meant to me and it was so cool of them. They were so sweet and nice. I was so excited and I didn’t want to leave. It was a true honor and of course, I hugged Rob goodbye. I hope I can see them again, maybe for a convention. It was a dream come true and I’ll never forget it.

So, yeah. All that happened in the span of about 8 hours. It was crazy and I’m actually still processing it currently. My dream came true and I had so much fun! I hope to see both Rob and Maurice again and maybe, Animaniacs in Concert will come around. Alright, that was my experience! It was so amazing and I couldn’t recommend it more. Don’t worry, I’ll be back to regular posting either tomorrow or the next day! Thank you guys for sticking with me!!

[shallyne]

The Diary of Feyre Archeron Ch 3

My pinky is numb and my head is buzzing but here it is, chapter 3 right from the Shallyne factory!

Words: 1.3k

June 29th

Okay, I wasn't right back. If I ever complained about a month being hectic, it doesn't have anything on this one!

Dad got arrested for money laundering and a billion other financial crimes the authorities find during their investigation, mom is in the hospital after a nervous breakdown and I had sex with Isaac Hale behind Crickets, the diner I'm working at. I know it's so insane that I had sex with Isaac behind a DINER! God, I'm not proud of it but he was nice and it benefited both of us.

The first half of the month I have been so frustrated. First the investigators on our doorstep, asking questions about dad and him getting arrested, which EVERYONE talked about on the last day of school before the summer holidays. Then I saw Rhys and some blonde girl from another class flirting in a parking lot. I think her name is Ianthe or something, I don't know. I wanted to rip her stupid blonde hair out but of course I didn't, Rhys and I are just friends. He doesn't feel the same way for me, I'm a hundred percent sure. He's just being nice to me, especially now with my situation at home.

The second half of the last month I spent trying not to think about dad being under investigation or Rhys at all and that's how it happened, Isaac Hale and me. He's nice enough and I won't delude myself he wants anything more than sex.

It's all going to be okay, right?

July 3rd

I don't think everything will be okay. Mom has to stay longer at the hospital than expected, Nesta, Elain and I survive on the last of our money and I don't know what to do.

I feel like I'm going insane, maybe I do. Sometimes I lay awake and thoughts are running through my head and just for a fleeting moment, I think about running away. Every night I think about different scenarios. Running away alone, running away with Nesta and Elain, leaving a note, telling Rhys, vanishing without a trace. Imagining different places where we hide, changing our names and what kind of life we would live away from our parents, from all this insanity. A normal life. What even is a normal life? I always thought we had a normal life but now I think we do not. No, I don't think, I KNOW we don't have a normal life and I feel so angry all the time.

Nesta feels angry too, she lashes out more often, especially since mom is gone. Elain got more quiet and kept her feelings to herself, even if I asked her how she felt. She just smiles and says everything will be okay. I wish it will be but I don't think so.

Rhys keeps asking me if I'm okay and I really appreciate it and I wish I could tell him the truth but I don't even know how to start, WHERE to start and when I do, I don't know if I could stop.

Maybe I'll just marry Isaac Hale and live a perfectly normal life.

July 5th

Mom grounded me over the phone because she was in a bad mood. Who knew a joke about dad being in jail could get her so riled up? It wasn't even a bad one, I saw Nesta almost smiling. I mean, making Nesta (almost) smile is probably worth getting grounded.

Nesta would have lied to mom for me, I know that, but I still gave her my phone like mom demanded so she doesn't have to. I barely use it anyway.

Something else happened last night, too. Rhys came to Crickets during my shift and he was as surprised to see me there as I was surprised to see him. He waited for me after my shift and explained that he was there because he couldn't sleep and he went to the edge of town to get a better look at the stars until he got hungry. I even talked about all the stuff happening over the last month, leaving out the bits with Isaac, of course. It was just us two, talking for a few hours after my shift, it was very nice. It felt like our relationship evolved into something deeper, more intimate, without even a touch. That probably sounds stupid but it doesn't have to make sense, it's just me reading this.

Rhys was the calming presence I needed after a storm turned the Archeron’s lives upside down.

I've also asked him to keep my job at Crickets to himself and he promised to not tell a soul.

July 6th

I finally got a night's sleep last night, surprisingly. Or more like, a good morning sleep after my shift. And after that, we spent the whole day at Rhys's house. And by we I mean Elain, Nesta and myself. He invited us over for a barbecue and it was very nice. Not only did we not have to worry about food that day but his family also welcomed us incredibly warm and friendly, it felt like getting a glimpse into a normal family. Almost his whole family was there, everyone but Rhys's dad. He told me I wasn't missing anything, his father sounded like a sunshine.

His mother and sister seemed genuinely happy to have my sisters and me there and his cousin, Mor, immediately went for a hug when she introduced herself. I really like Mor! His brothers were just as nice, although Azriel seemed a little closed off, introverted even and Cassian seemed transfixed by my sister, who was incredibly unimpressed by his antics. After his fifth time unsuccessfully trying to get Nesta's attention by flexing his muscles, he turned to me and we just talked a while, with Mor and Rhys butting in here and there. I kept my eyes on my sister's, who have seemed to relax a bit today. That was really all I wanted, getting out of our daily life and just giving it a rest for a day, enjoying ourselves. Elain has talked quite a lot to the introverted brother, who showed her the gardens of Rhys's house later in the day.

Oh my god, Rhys's house! It's even larger than ours, I almost got lost twice trying to find a restroom if it wasn't for Mor, bless her!

We didn't talk about the day much when we got home but something between us just felt lighter. Nesta didn't even bite my head off when I made a remark about Cassian, she just rolled her eyes and left.

Progress!

July 18th

I thought everything was fine but since our day at Rhys's home, he has been distant to me and it feels like he's avoiding me. I tried to smile at him when I saw him across the street but he couldn't even look me in the eye, he just turned in the other direction and walked away.

I've texted him three since last week and he has seen it but never responded! Have I done something wrong? I can't remember doing anything. Maybe his invitation to the barbecue was just him being polite and he didn't actually want us there but he had sounded so genuine when inviting me and my sisters. Cassian, Mor and I have a group chat and none of them have any clue why Rhys is so distant all of a sudden.

Next time I'll see him, I will talk and I will get answers! Even if I have to pry it out of him.

On another note, Nesta caught me writing in my diary and I expected some snide remarks but she said it was a good way to practice my writing. First I thought she was a little sus but she meant it genuinely, because sometimes I struggle a bit with reading and writing. I was so perplexed I just said “Thank you” and she just nodded and left.

Hold on, I just got a text

Excerpt from Rhysand's text messages with Mor:

Rhysand: I need to tell her

Morrigan: Rhys

Rhysand: She's going to hate me

Morrigan: yes she will! You don't need to tell her, it's NOT your fault

Rhysand: she deserves the truth. Wouldn't you want to know the truth?

Morrigan: of course I would but it's going to change everything, Rhys. It's another load on her already full enough plate

Feysand Taglist:

@captain-of-the-gwynriel-ship @starfall-spirit @rhysiedarling @corcracrow @sydney-fae25 @tothestarsandwhateverend @aayo-whatt @dreamlandreader

[lady-sci-fi]

Hi hey hi so

I just finished your Electric Organisms fic series on ao3 and i just wanted to express some sentiments towards your work "^^

1. The fics are so damn good aaa it infected my brain so much i would regularly tell my best friend all about it even though she doesnt watch star trek

2. The fact you dug up unused scenes and scripts and wrote them into fics is so damn cool!! Also may i ask where you found those?

3. Your character writing is so well done, i was so disappointed they didnt explore Geordis personality more in the show. I love that you went into his family background and mental health properly also I honestly love that he just gets to be happy a lot of the time, the show constantly made him suffer for some reason

4. The drawings are such a nice addition to the fics and theyre sooo well drawn <3

5. The way u handled the Fajo&Borg queen assualt implications was so well written. Im still angry the movies and show basically dropped the whole thing and never went into what it would do to datas mental state

6. The romance was so well written i cant- i dont usually read romance but maaan was i invested in this one <333

I swear you basically rewrote the entire series while fixing all the shitty parts and making the good parts *sparkly*

Also just the raw amount of stuff you wrote is crazy impressive!!!!

Unrelated your blog is really cool ive been following for a couple of months or so and it delights me whenever you show up on my dash.

Anyways you're a great writer and artist and i hope my ramble could express that your work is very very appreciated :)

Thanks so much for telling me all this! It does indeed make me feel warm and fuzzy. 🥰

The full series link if anyone else is interested.

While I have written the start and end points for the series, there are still more ideas I'm going to write for it, so stay tuned.

1- That's a huge compliment.

2- It's great to find those little nuggets that were cut out from final script to aired episode for whatever reason. You can read them at Star Trek Minutiae.

3- I like to think I've watched too much TNG to get them too wrong in character 😜. I would've definitely appreciated more Geordi episodes.

4- Thank you. In addition to a fic list, I also have an art list, and DaForge is taking up most of it 😅

5- I'm glad you think so. I don't really blame the show for that, since mostly "one-and-done" episode stuff was the overall structure of shows in that time. A few character things get mentioned or used later, but not everything.

6- The boys deserve a well-written romance 😊It's great to know you think I'm achieving that.

Believe me, I'm also surprised how much I've written for this series since I started it in June 2022. I didn't expect a one-shot fic that came from Brent Spiner saying he much rather would've found Geordi instead of Spot in the Enterprise-D wreck to have led to all this.

It's nice to know you think I'm cool enough to follow on here 😜

Thank you again for saying all this. I'm glad you really like this series.

[stinger-shot]

Yey! Silly vent because I feel like shit!

Read under the cut if you want the juicy ass details

So basically, I gotta let this shit out.. its fucking me up a bit rn.

I met this dude around the start of 2021 on tiktok AND HE WAS SO TALENTED AND FUNNY but he always said he wasn't. Anyway time skip a lil..

We started getting into a few arguments near the middle of 2022. And they where just small disagreements then they gradually got worse and worse every time it happend. And it especially got bad when I made another friend on tiktok who loved doing art related things and drew my old persona back then.

And HE WAS NOT HAVING IT and he said quite alot of bad things to me. Did I stay friends with him? Yes I did. Did I also block the nice guy just trying to be my friend? Yes. I blocked them out of fear of loosing my best friend.

And near the end of 2022 we started dating because things had gotten a better.

Oh how I was so wrong. Everything just went downhill when he left high-school. He always needed attention. He got mad at me because I couldn't set an alarm BECAUSE he was up at 10am and I was up near 1pm. So I forced myself to do so mutch bullshit for him. Like draw him art as an apology and it drained me do badly I could hardly do my own personal art.

I didn't even have personal art at this point. Every time I fixated on something it was what he was fixating on because he'd get mad at me and argue with me if I wasn't.

But everything was calm when it was around April in 2023 and we where finally getting along like an actul couple because of a game called final fantasy. We where obsessed with it for months! And then around June or July I re discovered transformers.

I have never felt as happy in a fandom since 2019! Like holy shit the fandom is so sweet.

But I kept it a secret from him he still doesn't know. Then at some point I made this tumblr to get my stupid little urges out and now look at where I'm at. I haven't been this happy in a LONG while.

And just st the start of 2024 my ex got into an argument with one of his friends and I offered to talk to them. so he agreed and I spoke to them.

Im so fucking glad I did.

Because without their help I'd still be fucking miserable. They gave me the confidence to dump that bitches ass and I honestly feel like a weight has been taken off. Because it honestly felt like a chore every day of my life just talking to him.

And my other friend on discord had helped me out to. Including you silly fuckers on discord/tumblr. If your even reading this... if you are why are you still reading this?

But anyway. I just needed this off my chest. Because it does hurt a little spite how good i feel but I just have an off feeling. I haven't put down everything that happend while I was with my ex and some things might be in the wrong order or time but at least I'm forgetting it?

Just. I love the transformers fandom so mutch mutch really helped me pull through...

Fuck I'm ranting. Uh. Bye!

Also a big thank you to Avery and rex for helping me feel better (rex I've only known you for a little bit but jesus christ I fucking laugh my ass off because of you) jesus I'm sappy as fuck. (and avery your so fucking cool. You helped me alot.) And belyyvolks (I've had alot of fun messing around about ironhide XD) I'm not tagging because I don't want alot of attention on this post.

[8bitsupervillain]

Higurashi When They Cry Hou Ch. 5 Meakashi pt. 2

Rather inexplicably the second part of this chapter reminded me of the Vengeance trilogy of movies. Particularly the movie Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance. No idea why, since this was a rather calm and sedate part.

Also, in the last part I mentioned that the thrilling escape from private school occurred in 1983. I have absolutely no idea why I thought that was the case because I know the escape, and most of this chapter occurs in 1982. Just a brainfart on my part I suppose.

I assume this diary entry was written by Shion, if I had to guess the time, I'm going to presume it's at least three months after Watanagashi. My kneejerk reaction was closer to June 1983, but I don't think it would be that far out from Satoshi's disappearance. I got the vague implication from Chapter 3 Tatarigoroshi that Shion tried pretty hard for a while to get to the bottom of Satoshi's disappearance, up until one day she more or less accepted he was well and truly gone forever. Mind you the times I've pulled out are entirely just guess work on my part. For all I know she wrote this on June 25th 1982, after Satoshi had been missing for the three days. Also the reason I speculate it's Shion's diary/journal here is because I think she's the only character who would have the mindset to commit it to page. Mion, has the entire Sonozaki family at her beck and call to find Satoshi if she wanted. Rika, I don't think would necessarily care that much about him vanishing, maybe the first few goes around the time loop maybe she did, but having done this as many times as she has she probably quit caring. Satoko I don't think could be that composed about writing it down that he went missing. If she'd written it I imagine it would be a lot more panicked and frenzied. Tomitake, Ooishi, and Takano I don't think would really give a damn about him, and Keiichi doesn't know he even exists/doesn't even live in Hinamizawa. Therefore: this is Shion's diary.

It's the little things that clue me in to the fact it's 1982. Also I get the feeling this chapter, like Himatsubushi will be jumping around the timeline somewhat.

Mion and Shion, the truest pals anyone could ever see. Stick together through thick or thin. They stay on top cause they play to win. Sure hope nothing happens to break such an idyllic relationship apart.

The two talk about Shion's escape and how she needs to support herself now that she is a dropout. Shion decides to work for her uncle's restaurant.

See, now this is helpful. Even if it is just kids messing around and being dumb, trying to figure out the particulars of the curse is interesting to me.

What a peculiar thing to say.

What an additionally peculiar thing to say.

Shion and her uncle talk some more about the curse of Oyashiro. I particularly like the inclusion that when the first victim happened no one thought anything about it. But when it happened twice more people started treating it more and more seriously. It's a nice touch that lends a certain amount of believability to the idea about how a group of yahoos can start to believe in outlandish ideas like a killing curse.

[ix-c-999]

Hihi!! I followed you from the soulbonding anon ask, its nice to see other people with similar experiences. May I ask what its like for you? I've only been able to talk about this with one or two other people and I'm terrified of overstepping boundaries or misunderstanding something hff im trying to understand myself a bit more but also stay respectful about it- I've seen quite a bit of syscourse already and its stressful ;w;

Hello! Thanks for your message and your interest!

Firstly, I should explain that I (Vyvian, the original host of the system) don't actually identify as a soulbonder, although I don't really have a problem with people thinking of me as an unintentional one as long as they think of me as a non-created system first.

What happened in my case was that, at more or less the exact same time, 1. I was removed from a formerly abusive situation and placed in an isolating one, 2. I started self-shipping with my main F/O (F.ord Pr.efect from Hit.chhiker's Gui.de), and 3. my system went into total dormancy.

(Note about my system: we're traumagenic and have never fully intentionally created an alter, so we're very different from the rest of the soulbond community in that regard in that our experience can be explained by a psychological process our brain already does. You can see why I don't really consider myself part of that community.)

Anyway, because of how lonely I was (both from the isolation and from my alters not being around anymore), I leaned very very heavily into my self-ship with Ford and coped by imagining him with me constantly. With my self-ship friends and on the blog I ran at the time, I talked about him like he was real, e.g. "Ford and I went to the store today" or "I showed Ford this meme and now I'm showing you".

Every so often, though, I'd have moments where I dissociated and where the house I was living in seemed unfamiliar to me (I had just started living in it, but I'd been familiar with it for months before then). These were accompanied by an intense sense of alienation, unfamiliarity, non-humanity, and being trapped - things that Ford canonically feels as an alien from Betelgeuse stuck on Earth but that I just chalked up to dissociating while feeling weird about my new living situation.

About eight months after fully beginning to self-ship, I had a manic break in which I was compelled to write a series of spiritual Documents. My F/O is notably non-spiritual and I was too consumed by the mania to imagine him on purpose.

At the most intense point during the break, I involuntarily felt Ford's presence as intensely as I would feel someone physically next to me (I've never felt it that strongly before or since) and got the impression that the spiritual ideas I was writing about could be viewed psychologically as well (which is more in line with what Ford would say). This was immensely helpful, as I believe that, had I not incorporated psychological views of spirituality into the Documents, things could have gone a lot differently for me in ways I wouldn't want them to.

Some members of my system think that Venn split during this incident but didn't knowingly front until the rest of my system came out of dormancy. Some think that it was a major event that contributed to his development as an alter but that that wasn't the event that brought him into existence per se. Some think that Venn is a literal spiritual gift from Betelgeuse (our guardian star) and that Betelgeuse gave him to me at the moment when my mind would be the most receptive to accommodating spiritual entities.

Either way, Venn either continued to form for the next few months or else had already split and extremely covertly co-fronted with me some of the time. I was still imagining Ford around me as a fictional character and I recall that it became easier and easier to imagine him, to the point where I didn't need to consciously do it anymore.

My system fully came out of dormancy last June after about a month of me feeling like they could come back. I correctly predicted that my system's new lineup would include a Ford fictive induced by self-shipping. I was not able to predict some of the ways in which he would very quickly diverge from my already canon divergent characterization of him, nor that he would become the new host of the system (to the point where, for a while, I was only a co-host as opposed to a secondary host. My system now has two hosts and two co-hosts.)

I think the fact that I imagined Ford with me CONSTANTLY is what contributed to Venn becoming a host. If my brain is used to Ford as a constant presence, it makes sense that the alter of him would be constantly around. However, some of the members of my system who attribute a spiritual explanation to Venn's existence think he's a host because he's a spiritual entity and therefore behaves anomalously compared to other alters.

A TLDR to your question about what it's like: I imagined my F/O with me constantly and treated him like he was real with no expectation that it would lead to an alter in my then-dormant system, and then when my system came out of dormancy, it included a fictive of him that became a host.

As you can see, I'm unable to speak to the experience of intentionally creating a non-physical entity, and the involvement of spirituality is ambiguous at best. So I hope my base of knowledge is still helpful! If you have any additional questions and feel comfortable with it, feel free to DM me (which goes for anyone reading this)!

(Additionally to your thing about discourse: I would recommend a system in your situation to follow tags like "endo safe" and "endos please interact", as well as "pluralgang" which is intended to be endo-friendly, although I'm not sure if you identify as a system and thus how useful those suggestions would be for you. In general, I recommend occasionally looking at the tag "endos dni" for the express purpose of blocking everybody who uses it.)

[preciouslandmermaid]

so as u guys know i went through a breakup in june. which was a good thing. i wasn’t invested in the relationship, i was unhappy, the honeymoon had faded, there were flags that i simply couldn’t ignore (both in him and myself!) and i knew i needed to return to my happiest state - being single and annoying online.

today, on the first day back of work, this motherfucker asks to talk to me afterwards and im like “yeah sure.” thinking that like we’re just gonna chat real quick in the parking lot. no. hes like “where can we meet.” and im like “idk starbucks i guess.” 

i’ve been keeping my distance from him because that’s what was best for ME. we literally haven’t spoken in 2 weeks. so i gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought he was just trying to catch up, be friendly. i rationalized that since we were only together about 5 months, then it wouldn’t be completely weird to start being friends now that 2 months have passed since the separation. 

besties....he wanted to know if we could get back together. 😠 i was like ?????????? and he was like “well, we spent the summers working on ourselves” (bro ur still not in therapy so i disagree), and then he was like “i feel like we broke up because i was having such a hard time at work and was going through a hard time and it reflected on our relationship.” and i was like uhhh. and so i said a metaphor i was like “us getting back together would be like trying to complete a puzzle when you’ve lost pieces in the vacuum.” and he goes “OH WELL, relationships have their ups and downs! we could still find those pieces.”

i legit wish someone was recording my face. i was in shock. like when we broke up, i did tell him i hoped we could be friends, i told him i hoped we could be in each other’s lives and that maybe (and it’s a big maybe) we could reconnect in the far future. (but, i remember when i said this, i was only saying it to be nice. which was a mistake since it led me to this whole conversation). 

ANYWAYS. to make a long story short. i told him No. and he was like “why i dont understand. you said you loved me. how could you love me and then not love me anymore. this is really hurting my self-worth. i dont understand. what changed??”

and i just...didn’t engage really. i wasn’t gonna list all the reasons. i already did that when we broke up and he demanded answers. i told him that i didn’t feel the connection anymore. and i already know im hurting his feelings AGAIN. eventually i just said “i’m happier single.” and he was like “oh? so i won’t see you dating someone in six months?” and i was like “probably not?? but idk?” he also brought up an old interaciton we had waaay back in march and tried to gaslight me by saying i got defensive during it, but i literally wrote that interaction down beat by beat so i remember how it went because it made me feel so uncomfortable and was my first serious red flag. >:( you cannot trick me! 

we managed to end the conversation and i stayed firm within my boundaries even tho he looked sad/was tearing up and kept asking me for reasons (idk why being unhappy in the relationship isn’t a reason enough for him??) a few hours after i got home, he texted me and was like “Was everything you said earlier true? No lying to save my feelings?” and i texted him back and was like “Yeah, it was all true.” idk how i could’ve been any clearer. i think he just dislikes hearing things he doesn’t want to hear. (omg also he brought up bell hooks--someone i introduced him to!--and was like “are you just chasing the next high?” and i was like “??? idk ??” )

my friends keep telling me he was emotionally manipulative, but it’s hard for me to see it. maybe in time i will be able to. but again--im just proud of myself for not “cowering” and changing my mind because i’ve got a person in front of me who i do care about --and who is sad--who i could make happy by doing what he wants.

but that is no life worth living. i live for myself. for my own happiness. and i was not happy in the relationship. you don’t need any other reason to leave-- if you’re unhappy, you can just go. it’s fine. i think that’ll be the big lesson i takeaway from this whole debacle.