#just… wash off the alienation from myself as well as the grime

[snarltoothed]

woman with cptsd shower routine be like i love this music, i’m dancing and washing my body in warm water, i’m at the peak of human joy… oh, that lyric kinda cut deep. :/. sobbing silently on all fours to the point of physical pain. the suffering is in every fibre of my being. why didn’t i die three years ago

[wu-sisyphus-gang]

Motion Sickness Chapter 45

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I cut down the Grimm in front of me. It was green where it should have been white. The discoloration a sign of the modifications Merlot had subjected it to. I spun the broadsword with one hand easily.

Neo was by my side and she tore through the Grimm with grace enough for two.

I wasn't quite sure what the point of the modifications were. Were the Grimm stronger or faster? Maybe. But not enough for it to matter. At least to me.

We'd left the horse back in town. Godo had given his word it would be safe in Wutai while we worked our magic. I sliced and cut into the creeper's flesh. I put out a boot and crushed a green one like it was a child's toy and not a ravaging killing machine.

Neo had her stiletto in one hand and the umbrella in the other. She worked methodically covering my flank as we marched further into the Grimm infested territory.

We'd yet to see the humanoid Grimm I'd been wary of. Just these modified Creepers and Beowulfs. I spun my sword around my body and brought it down, crushing a Beowulf as much as slicing it.

Lately I've been fine in my ruminating state but it felt good to blow off some steam against some enemies which definitely deserved it. Grimm weren't like people and for a moment I was able to remember the light.

I cut down monsters left and right, conserving my energy as we pushed deeper into the woods. I spent my Limit Break on blade-beams when I got it and held onto the strength and speed as long as I thought I could manage before I threw it away and started on the next one.

I once Finishing Touched an Ursa Major we'd come across. The whirlwind of attacks stormed the beast until there was nothing left of it and it dissolved away into grime and smoke.

I wouldn't even need to clean my blade after this. It had been so long since I'd fought these. The true enemy of humanity. I had forgotten. I was a slayer of monsters, truly.

I heard Mother's voice even through the fighting. It was beckoning me to the kingdomless lands. To take the relic and fly to her. I could pull it off too. If I just gave in to that alien goddess it would all be fine. The voices and the bugs would stop.

Instead I marshalled myself and pressed on. Neo flickered out to one side and stabbed through two Beowulfs with a refined ease. She was acrobatic as she accompanied me. Flickering out from the wedge I was driving and destroying and Grimm which dared to get close.

I reached out and crushed a Beowulf's neck with my left hand. I easily strangled it until it was naught but dust and ash.

I would have taken a smoke break a while ago but the Grimm had been unrelenting. It was like disturbing an ant hill as we pushed deeper into enemy grounds. The more we killed the more we seemed to aggravate the whole until I at last caught a glance of a lopsided creature.

I thought it was a Beowulf but it moved more raggedly. It was entirely bipedal with one arm disproportionately larger than the other and ripped with barbed white claws. It was fast but slower than I had been expecting, than I had been afraid of. It's face was the least human thing about it. It had a looming maw in place of a head and seemed to detect me without any eyes.

I blocked it's strike and riposted hard. It went down, bisected by my enormously wide blade. The six feet of range never allowed it to get close to me.

I stepped nearer and looked at it as it dissolved. Neo and I shared a look and I could only hope that she felt the same disgust I did over the monstrosity.

How had Merlot made these monstrosities? How had he made me? Was I like them? Godo had called these ones failures… was I a successful model? Who and what was I really? Time could be my only guide as I pursued the truth.

Neo and I held the line together as we moved apart and chopped away at the Grimm that was swarming us. It was possible I was in a bad mood thinking about my origins.

Oh well. Godo-Dono would be appreciative of us killing more Grimm and so far these weren't threatening. It was the sheer number of them that made them dangerous. They were trying to swamp us. I Cross Slashed two Beowulfs at once. The strikes, the same ones that had killed Ren, demolished the Grimm bodies. Tearing away chunks of red and black Grimm flesh the same way they'd torn into my friend's aura.

It had a sort of sickening familiarity to it.

It wasn't good, I'd spent the last week nearly constantly wasted on greens to hold back my psychosis and it was biting back at me now, as if to punish me.

I blinked rapidly trying to get the bugs out of my eyes and ignore the sweet whispering call of Mother's voice.

“Child, my child…”

“Obey me… come to me…”

I fought through it. Whatever it was I was born with it. I could beat this. I rubbed my eyes and stuck a finger in my ear. I changed the motion and rubbed my earlobe. As though I'd be giving her power if I acknowledged the hallucinations.

I heard Mother... Salem- laugh softly.

I couldn't go back. I'd gone too far for that. Besides, I wasn't the sort to listen. To Salem or Ozpin, Ozma she'd called him. I climb-hazard a Beowulf and slammed it back into the ground in a brutal action, releasing some pent up rage. I Limit Broke and became an absolute wall against them, spinning my blade around me and slicing any Grimm foolish enough to come into my long-long range.

Another two 'human' Grimm approached me and I blocked their long claws and stepped back. I swiped low and took off one's leg at the knees. I thrust forward into the other's chest and it died. I brought the blade down on the still crawling one's head.

The person-like Grimm came at us enforce then and we had to give ground to take ground. I jabbed, thrust, and bit my way through them. I was a terror with my weapon and though I backed up, the enemy kept dying around me.

Neo stood with me. Lashing out from behind me when she saw the opportunity and alerting me when we were going to be overwhelmed at our position.

I front flipped and brought the blade down in a massive Limit Breaker attack and it shattered the ground along with a half dozen of them.

I normal Cross Slashed when I saw the opportunity and danced with my blade all through the enemy.

I removed limbs with a casual ease and beheaded the fast Grimm with a casual calm. They were driving us back but they couldn't keep this up forever.

The only advantage they had was numbers and they started to thin out as I bust the cuts out on them. I opened deep gashes in the enemy, ones which would never heal and I smashed them under my foot.

I lacerated them with the massive blade, crushing Grimm white bone at the same time I opened up that red inside. I clipped heads off and rolled my wrists making my weapon a blur as I worked my way through them.

I panted as the last of them died and leaned against Crocea Mors for a moment to catch my breath.

We'd arrived at a steep cliff and there at the bottom sat a white metal roof. It was stained and bullied by the Grimm who constantly attempted to undo the work of humanity. Godo-Dono was right. This place had been built to withstand assault.

Assault by the Grimm perhaps, but not by trained huntsmen like yours truly.

The whole place was giving me a sick sense of Deja Vu. I'd been here before. I knew it like I knew the feel of my own heartbeat, like I knew the long red padded handle of Crocea Mors.

I charged Limit to absolutely full. Then I just jumped and before I hit the ground I climb-hazard the wall, rising back up after falling without even hitting the ground. I stood on top of Crocea Mors, embedded in the rock. I pulled it free of the cliff face and then I landed and simply took my weight on my legs.

I looked up to witness Neapolitan drifting down with her parasol. She looked peaceful, relaxed.

The structure looked mostly clear and I stood still, charging Limit Breaker while I waited for her to land. I left it a hair away from being charged and resumed my patient waiting.

I searched my way around the sides of the building, looking for a way in until I found a set of blast doors on the Eastern side away from the cliff. They weren't made of Titania, forged of some kind of cold steel instead. That meant I'd be able to cut my way through.

I activated Limit Breaker and Cross Slashed the doors. The steel fell away to reveal another set of blast doors into which I'd partially cut. I just charged my semblance again and came down with a massive overhead strike and two horizontal swings to pry it open.

Neapolitan landed on the roof above me as I finished breaking my way inside. There was a fury in my heart I couldn't quite place. I was pissed off at being born somewhere wretched like this.

I hovered my way inside. The light I cast from Limit Breaker shed a fine shifting glow over the walls.

I closed my eyes and focused on holding onto the Limit as long as I possibly could. I didn't want to be in the dark in here. I needed the light.

Wisps of my semblance washed over the ceiling as I paced my way inwards. Neo teleported beside me and gave me something like a reassuring smile. I just frowned. The genius loci of this place hated me and I hated it. The feeling was totally mutual. We came across rows and rows of… pods I guess you'd call them. Inside each came a soft greenish glowing light which was familiar to me. Like some distant fever dream.

I could hear Salem's voice whispering louder now.

“Bring it to me… come to me child… my beloved son…”

I didn't buy it. It was getting annoyingly distracting, though. Shadows loomed from every corner of the place along the thick tanks. I walked up to one and peeked inside. There was one of the humanoid Grimm in there. For all the world lifeless and floating, naked and shameless.

"Is this what I am? Just one of these… these clones too?" I asked.

Neo didn't answer. She looked distinctly concerned though. I breathed and tried to relax. I cast light with a wave of my arm upwards. At the top of the rows and rows of tanks there was a larger one. With an inward blue light emanating from the glass window. I walked up to it and traced my fingers across the glass. Nothing floated inside.

"This… this is where I was born. Where I was made. This tank right here. I remember being on the opposite side. The blue light… all of it. It seems surreal to see it from this side now."

True enough I felt almost a sense of vertigo to be looking in from the outside.

I walked down the steps and Neo followed, skipping to keep up, umbrella at the ready.

"If I'm supposed to be comforted by the feeling of having a special tank amongst these cloned monsters I'm not. Let's see what else we can find."

I paced downwards away from the rows and rows of tanks. There was an office there. It had a wide chalkboard… and rows and rows of books.

There was a security terminal too. I booted it up but it asked for a password. I hadn't the slightest clue what the password could be. I turned to the books.

"Let's see… Jaune Arc, perhaps. No… it seems he only gave model numbers to successes. If I'm a true failure I won't be in here. Perhaps it's this one."

I pulled a book from the shelf and breezed through it. Notes on the DNA of the creatures in the tanks. And graphic illustrations of those monsters.

"One of these will be about me. Or my line of models at least…"

I tossed the book behind me and grabbed another. It was full of details on a vivisected Beowulf. I leafed through it and tossed it aside. I was beginning to make a bit of a mess.

"You want to help?" I asked Neo.

She gave a slow cautious affirming nod.

"At that terminal, try variations on Jaune Arc. What with caps and spaces and all. Maybe it'll work. I don't know."

She nodded and began typing away at the computer with resounding mechanical clacks .

I tossed another book over my shoulder. Adding to the growing pile. I ransacked the shelves but whatever labeling system Merlot had used didn't agree with me.

Eventually Neo stopped typing.

"No luck?"

She shook her head.

"I thought not… Did you try 'password?'"

She gave me a flat look and did. No dice. Just that same login screen.

"Hey wouldn't you? If you were me?"

She sighed heavily but she did nod.

I tossed a book on Creepers over my shoulder. It landed haphazardly and I found I didn't much care. If Merlot ever returned he'd find his collection in a state of miserable disarray.

"Wait this is it." It was a vitruvian man which kinda looked like me. It was in the cheekbones and jawline and around the eyes. It had my tank's label to it.

"I was… I was made from Salem's cells. And some donor's. It doesn't say who. How in the world did he get his hands on Salem's cells? Doesn't she like… live on a kingdomless continent? I feel a pull in her direction but I cannot tell how far."

"I was grown here from a fetus. In that tank until I was nearly an adult. The tank educated me, I think. There are vague impressions..."

"Salem's cells… it must explain her control over me. How she's able to get in my head. Why I still hear the whispers. I can still hear her now."

Neo pantomimed smoking.

I nodded, relieved at even the thought and pulled my pipe out. I packed it from the grinder with some Lemon Drop Haze and took a long pull using my lighter. My semblance died out around then. I sighed and started to recharge. I took a long pull as I did and the only thing I could see was the glowing red embers in the pipe, slowly growing, then slowly dying out as I roached the entire thing in a single pull.

I exhaled and like a light switch my semblance turned on. I breathed out in Neo's direction by accident and she waved a hand through the smoke, looking annoyed.

"Sorry," I breathed. "Sorry."

"It says here… it says I was a partial failure." I wasn't sure what to make of that. At least I had a face unlike the humanoid Grimm and he counted those as...something I guess. I felt something bitter rise up in me. Something howling.

A failure without so much as a birth.

I couldn't even be a failure from birth.

I had no model number. My father… Merlot...

Instead on through the notes. "This explains my fake memories. They were given to me by the tank. And my… and my sisters. There's no mention of them. I wonder if they were successes." I put the little book in my pocket and perused the rest of the shelf. "They'd have a different model number if they were successes…"

I searched through every last book but found no mention of them, my sisters and no more references to me, myself, either.

"She said I was Merlot's. Could my sisters have come from somebody else? The more questions I have answered the more questions I have!"

I swung out with Crocea Mors and shattered the glass on the tank nearest the office. Neapolitan shot up, looking alarmed. The Grimm thing stirred but I reached through the broken glass and strangled it with my bare hands. Liquids from the tank dripped over me and the green light dimmed. It fell apart into a disgusting black fluid.

I growled and wanted to scream.

"Nothing about this makes sense. Nothing about this is fair . I'm going to get my hands on Merlot for real. I'll make him pay for ever creating me. Every ounce of agony I have ever suffered I shall inflict upon him ten-fold."

I laughed madly and shattered another tank. I stabbed straight through it and the Grimm thing inside. Malformed. A reject. A bad batch and nothing more. That's all my existence was. My entire life and every emotion I'd ever felt.

The only people who could answer my questions were Salem and Merlot and lords only knew where Merlot was. I had no intention of going near Salem. Just so she could control my mind again? I wanted nothing to do with that.

I skewered another tank and this time I did scream. I pierced the thing inside and it died a bubbly, gurgling death.

Neo watched from the sidelines, transfixed. Her face was ashen white.

With shaking hands I pulled my pipe out again and set up another hit. I pulled hard and long and coaxing.

I fell to my knees with it and for a minute or two I just let myself be fully and truly mad. My semblance evaporated and I was in total darkness.

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-WG

[brynwrites]

How to Write Non-binary Characters: Part III.

Visit PART ONE: the basics.

Visit PART TWO: the nitty gritty.

PART THREE: common pitfalls and easy fixes.

Here we'll cover some common situations where writing respectful non-binary characters can be trickier.

Writing Non-human Non-binary characters.

Non-human non-binary characters aren’t inherently disrespectful to non-binary people, but it can easily become negative representation when there are no non-binary humans present, because it implies that those with non-binary genders are less human (and usually more monstrous or more alien) than people with binary genders. You can read more about why this is a problem in this full analysis by Christine Prevas.

There's a very simple solution to this though: Write some non-binary humans. (Or, in the least, make it explicitly clear that non-binary humans exist, and are just as valid in their identity as anyone else.)

Writing Non-binary Villains.

This situation is very similar to the non-binary non-humans, but instead of implying that non-binary people are less human, it implies they are less moral, abnormal, depraved, or insane. Villainous figures in history have often have their villainy connected to or blamed on their non-gender conforming traits. We don't want to add to that clinging transphobic and homophobic belief with modern fiction.

As with non-binary non-humans, having non-villainous non-binary characters can go a long way in offsetting this, as well as not connecting (or letting characters within the world connnect) the villain's non-binary aspects with their perceived villainy. Instead of writing a non-binary villain, write a villain who also happens to be non-binary.

(On this note, I would be very cautious about writing villains who are being villainous because they've suffered from transphobia.)

Killing (your only) Non-binary Character.

This falls into the same category as the previous two sections, but it has just one solution: don't kill your story’s only non-binary or trans character. Just don't do it. If that character has to die to make the plot continue, let there be another primary non-binary or trans character in the story somewhere.

Writing “Coming Out” Scenes for Non-binary Characters.

Let's break this into two different types of coming out:

The casual, everyday coming out. This is the kind of coming out a non-binary person has to do every time they need to let new people in their lives know about their gender. If you're writing non-binary characters, you'll probably have to write some version of this at some point. It can be as simple as a character introducing themselves with their pronouns, wearing clothing or pins that say their pronouns, mentioning their identity casually, correcting someone's misuse of their pronouns, making a (respectful) joke involving gendered terminology (e.g. "I'm the king of monopoly today and the queen of monopoly tomorrow, but either way you're all going to lose!"), or a multitude of other ways.

While writing any setting that you create yourself (whether that's fantasy, science fiction, alternate history, etc), you can always do yourself a favor and work a method of identity presentation into the world building. Maybe in your fictional culture everyone wears a certain color accessory for certain gender identities or in your fictional boarding school the students all decided to introduce themselves with their pronouns no matter what gender they identity as.

The major, terrifying coming out. Often, this is the traditional coming out scene where the person sits down with family and tells their truth, even though they know things might turn out poorly. It might be the first time they've come out to anyone, or it might be that they've held off with certain important people in their life because they're afraid of those people's response. Be wary of writing out these scenes if you haven't lived through them yourself, because it's a very emotional and complex situation which, if represented poorly, can harm non-binary and trans people in real life. Sometimes though, you might want to allude to what happened during this scene because of its effect on the character!

Keep in mind that while there is much prejudice against non-binary (and trans) people in our world, that you don't have to include that in your stories. It is always the writer's decision to include transphobia and transphobic characters in what they write, as well as their responsibility to make sure that any transphobic inclusions are framed as the terrible, incorrect biases they are, and do not harm the trans and non-binary community.

Writing Non-binary Characters Discovering They’re Non-binary.

Realizing you're non-binary is often a long, emotional, and extremely personal experience. Unless you have a non-binary (or trans) co-writer or you've done an academic level of research, its best to leave these experiences to be written by the people you lived them, because there are many living people who have lived them, who will be effected by these stories on a very real, very personal level.

So, go write non-binary characters, but write them having adventures and falling in love instead.

Writing Societies Without Gender Binaries.

Because this is a huge topic where new pitfalls might appear at any moment do to the endless ways it can be used, the best thing to do if you're interested in writing it is to read speculative fiction from trans and non-binary authors and study the nuances of how they portray these societies, and, of course, always avoid the societal version of all the previous no-nos, like having only villainous or non-human non-binary societies.

Remember: when in doubt, get non-binary people to beta read your work.

Finally, here are two insanely easy ways to include non-binary representation in all your stories:

1. Give a character (or multiple characters!) they/them pronouns. 

You don’t have to explain this. The character never needs to come out as non-binary. There doesn’t have to be a focus on whether they’re androgynous or not. You can keep it so simple that their description is just “Parker had brown hair and a hooked nose and when they smiled their eyes lit up,” and there you have a non-binary-coded character without having to do any work or research at all.

2. Have a character refer to their family member with gender neutral terms. 

“Those are my sisters, my big brother, and my little sibling. We were on a skiing trip, but our step-parent came down with the flu so our father stayed back at the lodge and let our auntcle take us up the mountain.” Will any of these non-binary characters ever by in the story itself? Perhaps not. But it still shows that the author accepts the existence of non-binary people in their story’s world, and that the character speaking loves and respects the non-binary people in their family enough to refer to them in the ways those family members prefer.

Closing Words.

Non-binary people have had a long history of being ignored in Western stories. Having writers attempt to include respectful non-binary representation in their books is more important to us than having all that representation be perfect. So, write non-binary characters, find a few non-binary or trans readers to double check your work, and most importantly, and have fun.

While you’re at it, consider supporting non-binary writers writing ownvoices stories. If you don’t know of any, here’s the wikipedia list of the more famous authors and a little twitter thread with some lesser known voices. You can also purchase my debut novel, Our Bloody Pearl, a fun romp about a disabled, non-binary siren and a freckly pirate captain.

Stick around for a preview of Our Bloody Pearl....

SWELL BEGINNINGS

There is one thing I know for certain: We were right to hate the humans.

HUNGER HAUNTS ME like a bull shark. With every roll of the ship, the gunk inside my stagnant tub sloshes against my waist, stinging anew. The tight wooden room's stale air burns my lungs.

Steam whistles in the pipes that run along the walls, their copper gleaming in the dim ceiling light. My wrists throb where the metal cuffs locking me to the tub dig into my silver scales. The gill slits along my neck are clamped shut after a year without seawater and my head fins stick to my scalp like barnacles to rock.

I try to anchor myself with the memory of home, of fine sands and vibrant reefs, but I can barely recall the rush of the warm current or the thrill of the hunt. Even a single wrasse sounds like a feast now. Or a few human fingers.

At least I can still smell the sharp brine of the ocean. When the ship rocks, the small, circular window to my left reveals the sea rolling in an endless stretch of deep blue, begging me to return. The silhouette of an approaching vessel forms a blur on its horizon.

I squint at the hazy shape, but Captain Kian’s roar of irritation from an upper deck makes me recoil. My captor’s harsh voice is so loud it seems to shudder its way down my spine.

The new vessel leaves my sight as the ship I’m captive on—the Oyster—turns toward it. The steam stacks clatter to life somewhere beneath me. Fabric and metal wings stretch out from the sides of the Oyster, and the ship bursts forward, riding just above the crests of the waves.

The sudden change in speed shoves me backward, tossing up my putrid water. As the liquid recoils, it grazes my largest tail fin, lying limp over the far edge of the tub. For all the pain I suffer, I nearly forget my tail exists, its iridescent gleam washed away by the filth and grime of the tub. It must still be impaired from the massive, anchor-like weight my captor crushed it beneath when she first locked me here. I can’t bring myself to focus on its lifeless form for long. I wasn’t meant for this.

I need the sea.

Purchase the full novel on amazon, bookdepository, or kobo, or request it from your local library!

[mydaydreams]

Jeopardizing the Mission- Natasha Romanoff

Natasha/Reader

Requested: @widowbitessting and anonymous

Warnings: Smut, Lesbian Sex, Fem/Fem, and a lil fluff. Choking kink, rough sex

Sum: Risking your life for Natasha didn’t just get you in trouble with the Captain. It got you in trouble with your girlfriend too. 

*****

"Y/n what you did was reckless and stupid..." Steve said in his Captain voice. We were all buckled in on the quinjet, we had just gotten back from a mission. We were all exhausted and sore, covered in blood dirt and alien guts.

We were saving a planet from a invasion, their planets forcefeild damaged in combat and we were sent to fix it.

It was just another alien invasion. All i had done was jump in front of the bullet.

Natasha was fixing a piece of broken tech on the ground that needed to be injected back into the planets main forcefield projector. This was our mission.

Someone had snuck through the ranks and ran towards Natasha. I..i couldn't help myself. I broke position just as they pulled at their weapon.

My body shot forward so fast i didn't even know i was moving. I could hear my team on coms screaming in my ear not to comprise my mission but i could smell it...the danger she was in. I could feel it in my bones.

And i was right. The man threw his spear at her first. I jumped forward knocking it out if the way before it could hit her. Then the mans hand came up and he went to punch me while grabbing at his gun with the other.

2 shots fired one grazing my left arm and the other passing me. He was aiming through me. Aimed at his target, the forcefield, Natasha.

He shot at me again but my leg came up and slammed into his wrist. I twisted my body so my foot would continue to extend outward to slam into his face. I grabbed his own gun and shot him in the head with it.

" i was doing my job." I defended he shook his head.

"No, you made things personal. Your job was to stay in position."he said locking his jaw. He was clearly very angry with me.

"You put yourself right in that line of fire. That spear was headed straight towards you." He said his voice getting louder.

I sighed wishing he had waited till we had gotten back to the compound to talk instead of having it out with me on the jet in front of the whole team.

"That spear was headed towards the forcefield generator ." I corrected. He sucked in a hot breath not wanting to say what everyone already knew. I wasn't protecting the forcefield or planet or even its people...i was protecting Natasha.

"You know What your mistake was..." Cap said trying to wrap it up. These convos are always the ones that piss me off the most.

" leaving my post." I answered for him. He sighed and moved his hand up to run his fingers through his grime covered hair.

"No, making things personal..." He said i rolled my eyes. By trying to save my girlfriends life!!!

" if i hadn't had dodged that spear it would have gone right through Nat's spine AND would have cut clean through the generator itself. Natasha dosent have a shield on her back or a body of fucking armor." I snapped as the plane had finally landed.

"Neither do you!" He snapped back. I avoided eye contact.

" the point is...." He started but I cut him off.

"The point is that I moved out of position. I apologize Captain it won't happen again." I said. Finally looking over to where Nat was seated next to Bucky on the other side if me. I sighed, she was just as mad as he was...great.

"We will talk more about this later." He said in his Captain voice. I rolled my eyes.

Once in our room, Natasha and I threw our weapons down and ripped our uniforms off. She hadn't spoken yet.

We'd done this before so it was like routine now. Getting home from a mission stripping, showering, food, drinks, bed.

My eyes snaked up her body. I looked at the lines that were created on her from where her top stopped and her skin begin then the spots of dirt blood and guts.  How could she possibly make being covered in blood look hot.

"Think you may be turning me on a blood kink." I admitted trying to break the ice. She rolled her eyes at me.

"You have no self preservation do you?" She finally said her voice thick with rage.

Jesus she's really really mad. I sighed heavily.

"Can't we just shower, have sex and eat and be done with this?" I begged trying to walk to the bathroom she grabbed my arm.

"Y/n listen to me, you can't just...y/n you a just a recruit. A newbie you shouldn't be..." She started her voice thin. I cut her off.

"I have been on this team for 8 months now. I am an avenger!" I said my foot slamming on the ground. I was so sick of this argument. There was no issue of be putting myself in danger before we started dating. She was even "impressed" by me. I guess not any more even tho I had just saved her fucking life.

"I was fine where i was." She said referring back to me saving her.

"Fine?" I asked yelling my voice high pitched.

"There was a spear flying Right Towards you."

She just rolled her eyes and shook her head taking a step back.

"I was fine i was just about to turn around. I would have seen it coming." She defended. My mouth just dropped open. What even was she thinking?

"You would have been Dead. The only reason you saw it coming was because i broke position to save you and you finally looked back." I yelled at her my hands balling up at my sides.

I have no self preservation?

"What the fuck even is the problem Nat. You mad i saved your fucking life? What do you want to die?" I shot at her. Her eyes closed and she breathed out slowly.

I held my breath. I shouldn't have yelled. Shouldn't have screamed at her.

"I just. Over coms all i could hear was Sam screaming 'y/n No.' And I turn around and your only a few feet from me running to meat the same speed as the spear behind you....behind you y/n. I looked up and it was you who was in danger." She said her voice normal at the beginning but falling into a saw whisper. She looked down at her now bare feet.

I had never seen her like this before. She wasn't acting like...weak it was more like. Vulnerabilit? Vulnerable for what...me?

She turned away from me and ran her hands through her dirty hair. Flakes of...of something falling on the ground at her feet.

"This life...being a hero. When you find something like what we have. You dont let go. But you were just all to happy to leave this earth just to save me. Me?" She held her head in her hands for a second.

"I have never been more mad at you."

I sighed and moved towards her wrapping my arms around her middle.

"I'm sorry. I had everything under control. I-I just couldn't stand the thought of living without you." Her grip on me tightened as i spoke.

"Me either." She said softly pulling me into the bathroom with her.

We took out time in the shower together. Washing each others hair watching as the water ran red with blood. I rubbed the loofah along her back side and up her shoulders rubbing out the brown muddy lines created by her uniform.

"Baby..." She said breathlessly. I hummed in response.

"I am still very much angry with you." She said turning me around and soaping up my back and sides. I closed my eyes as her hands rubbed and massaged downward.

"It dosent feel like it." I whispered as her hands moved around my front,her breasts pressing into my back. He lips kissed up my shoulder blade and the back of my neck up to my ear. I let my head all back on her.

"Well i am." She said through her teeth her grip on me tightening.

"Nat?" I asked she just growled at me making my lips snap shut.

She pushed my body forward pressing my front harshly up against the wet shower wall.

I gasped my face turning to look at her, my cheek against the wall.

She kicked my feet apart and held both of my wrists at my sides with one of her hands while the other ran up my thigh, over my ass then resting on my hip.

"Y/n, my sweet girl. Risking your life to save me. You must love me huh?" She asked turning my body around swiftly so i was suddenly facing her. She wanted to read my face as I answered. She still didnt want to believe me.

I smiled shyly at her and nodded.

"Yes, i do love you Natasha." I said she sighed as i spoke, her hand moving up my back to my neck and into my hair.

"I don't believe you." She admitted but it sounded more like a tease.

"Make me believe." She whispered. I blinked up at her as she took a tight grip of my hair. She pulled my head back causing my knees to bend. She was pushing me to my knees in front of her.

"Mmm gladly." I hummed closing my eyes and let my face fall between her legs. I take a good hold of both of her thighs as I let my tongue glide up her folds. Her smooth skin moved against my lips while her juices sank into my taste buds.

"Hhhmmmm." I hummed sending vibrations through her, making her twitch into me.

She tasted like.. strawberries and lemons. God so good. I want to touch her but when my hands moved up her lets she swatted them away.

"Just your mouth..." She said gasping, her head falling back against the tile. I smirked into her skin making her squeak again.  My arms wrapped around both of her thighs tightly as they started to tremble.

I sucked her clit into my mouth and her hands held a death grip of my scalp forcing my face to move with her hands while she humped into me. I couldn't help but moan as i drank her in.

Her mouth fell open and a broken, high pitched scream left her lips as he com dripped onto my tongue and slid down my throat.

She took a few breaths and yanked my head back letting my hair go causing me to fall back on the shower floor under the water fall.

I looked up at her shocked. She had never man handled me in suck a way. And in the wet shower It was almost dangerous.

"Na..." I started she shushed me.

"Stop, im still mad as you. No talking." She sunk down onto the floor with me crawling over my body.

She moved under the water and over my stomach. Droplets falling into her hair and sinking down her forehead. A perfect sheet of water covering her face moving over her lips.

God if she isnt the sexiest women alive.

Her hands moved up my waist then down my arms. She moved my hands slowly, lifting them over my head.

"I'm very mad at you." She whispered her lips only an inch from the bare skin in the middle of my breast. She looked up at me through her eye lashes while her tongue licked over her bottom lip, only to suck it into her mouth in between her teeth. I couldn't help but repeat that same action.

One of her hands held mine up while the other trailed down my body. The water falling on our bodies was only making this so much hotter.

She pressed her lips to mine once before slowly moving them down my neck. She took my flesh into her mouth and sucked hard on me as her fingers moved down to my middle.

I whispered as the tip of her pointer finger probed me. She smiled at me and leaned down, i could feel her breath on my skin.

"Shh sh sh." She coo'd at me while moving her finger in a small Circle around my clit, collecting my silk and rubbing it in.

I bit my lip to stop a moan. Everything wad just so hot in here. Like literally steaming in the air. The hot water-falling onto us while the knot in my stomach burned.

"Open your eyes!" She commanded sharply. My eyes snapped open to look back at her. I didn't even know i had closed them.

" You keep your eyes of me." She said finally slipping 2 of her fingers into me.

I moaned loudly as my walls clenching around them. She them quickly pulled them from me, her eyes going wild. that same hand that was covered in my slick was suddenly around my throat.

My eyes widened sharply, my hands trying to break free from where she held them above me. She only forced her weight down harder on me preventing me from moving.

She smiled down at me slowly moving her face into my neck and next to my ear. I shivered under while she whispered to me.

"Dont make me gag you."

I bit my tongue stopping a moan as her hand tightened around my throat.

"I'm going to let your hands go." She said. Leaning back up and looking down at me.

"Do Not Move Them!" She told me. I nodded quickly. She let me go and ran that hand down to my breasts. She held the my left breast in her wet hand. Squeezing around it. Moving down to pitch my nipple. I flinched and bucked my hips but latched my hands together over my head.

"Do you know how helpless I felt watching that glorified stick almost impale you?" She asked leaving my breast and moving back down to my clit.

My mouth hung open as she again began massaging my middle flesh.

I just watched her eyes as my legs shook.

I knew she didn't want me saying anything. She wanted to see if i would talk. She was baiting me. She wants me to disobey. She wants to punish me.

"I'm gonna tie you up later." She said her fingers sinking into me again. I shivered again and bit my lip trying not to whimper while her fingers curled inside of me. I humped harshly against her hand as she moved them faster.

I threw my head back only to smack it against the tile. I gasped slightly making her hand tighten around my throat again.

Her palm rubbed against my clit as her fingers curled and knocked into my g-spot over and over. The knot in my stomach burned as my hips bucked up into her hand.

I wanted to tell her was about to cum but I wasn't aloud to talk. As if i could even speak with her fingers pushing down into my air way.

My eyes rolled back and I let my hand moved down to press against her hand around my throat tightening her hold around me cutting off my air completely as my cum squirted out over her, covering her abdomen, stomach and breasts only for a second before being washed back down on top of my and down the brain under us both.

My walls tightened around her fingers as she continued to finger fuck me. My legs shook as she withdrawaled her hand from my throat breaking my hold as well only to sink down my body quickly.

I gasped again as her mouth closed around my clit. She let both of her hands spread my legs open as wide as they could while she slurped my juice into her mouth.

I couldn't help the mouth that slipped from me as I came again just watching her.

"Natasha." I whimpered as she looked up at me through her eye lashes. I moaned again as I felt her lips smile against my skin. My body went slack against the wet floor while i caught my breath.

She crawled back up my body kissing me on her way.

She pecked my lips and stared down at me and smiled.

"Now darling... What did i say i would do if you spoke."

My hand went up to cover my old mouth. Have out of shock half cursing my self for saying her name.

She yanked me to my shaking feet and pulled my body against hers as she all but carried me into the bedroom and flopped me down on the bed. The water that riddled our bodies now sinking into the sheets. I giggled at her.

"Smooth." I said and regretted it immediately. Her hands slapped loudly against my thighs as she spread them open once again.

"For that...you don't get to cum." She said. I wanted to curse but I decided against it.

She got up and left me on the bed and went back to the bathroom. After a second I heard the water cut off. And a few seconds after that the closet door opening and closing.

" dammit she really is getting that damned ball gag." I said laying back into the pillow.

"WHAT WAS THAT??" Nat yelled through the walls. I shot back up into a sitting position and slapped my self.

"NOTHING I WASN'T TALKING." i yelled back stupidly. Hitting myself in the forehead a second time. She sauntered back into the room empty handed. A blush on her cheeks.

"Now...how am i supposed to be this hot dominant when your out here just being...." Her voice dropped into a sigh.

"Just adorable..." She said the mood in the room completely shifting. I bit my lip, a matching blush appearing on my cheeks.

"I know I'm sorry I'm still very new to this." I said bring my legs up to my chest. She smiled sweetly at me and slid higher onto the bed to sit next to me.

"I completely ruined the mood by laughing. I didn't mean to embarrass you." I said extending my neck to lean over and kiss her. Her eyes widened suddenly and she jerked away from me.

I frowned " was I that bad?" I asked she shook her head.

"No your perfect always. It's just your neck I shouldn't have..." I rolled my eyes and smiled at her.

"I told you i like air play you didn't hurt me. Well...you didn't hurt me more than i wanted you too. Stop worrying!" I said moving her hair out of her eyes.

" you like your marks on me and wanna dominate me but when you do you feel guilty?" She smiled back and shook her head laying us down and laying her arm on top of my chest.

"I know. It's just you are the...i don't know you are different. I know you are capable and you can take care of yourself I just can't help wanting to do that my self. Take care of you. Make sure you are safe. Your precious cargo something... fragile, precious, breakable. It's like you could disappear in my hands. I don't know.. And today with the..." She stopped and looked away from me. I moved my hand up to hold her cheek, making her look back at me.

" Natasha. I was saving your life. You are precious to me. I wouldn't just stand there and hope that you would turn and see it. I didn't know if you would know it was coming. I had to break point. I had to beat it to you Natasha. Even if it meant impaling me." I said. Her eyes closed and her head dropped down on my chest.

"I know thats what bothers me." She said into my skin. I stiffened. I was sick of having this same conversation over and over.

"You know what Natasha..." I started a little to aggressively.

" how about we Both just agree we love each other so much we'd stake out lives on it and just always watch each others 6 alright?" I finished annoyingly. Her body froze against mine.

"You love me?" She asked I sucked in a breath and closed my eyes.

"Just as much as you love me...right?" I asked in a small voice.

"I'll stake my life on it and always cover your 6." She said breathlessly her eyes watering.

I had never once in my life seen her cry...and she still didn't here. But i could tell she meant what she said.

She loves me just as much as i her. I smiled leaning down to kiss her swollen plump lips. She hummed into my lips and nibbled at my bottom lip.

Her damp hair fell onto my face as she slid up my body to straddle my waist. She continued Her assault on my lips, opening my mouth and sucking on my tongue.

I took the chance and tucked one of her legs in between mine. She laughed into my mouth as I pulled her body into mine connecting out middles.

She's wet, so wet I'm completely soaked the second our clits touched.

" Nat you're soo wet." I moaned sliding my hips into hers scissoring Her. She whispered into my ear over me while she humped into me.

"God y/n...you make me so hot."

She leaned down against my body her breast pressing into my skin. I moaned and let my hand me move to grab them. I leaned down into them sucking a nipple into my mouth and pinching the other with my fingers.

There was a noise we both ignored while we grinded against each other.

"Mmm. Nat harder." I moan flipping my hair back only to have it slap me back in the face as she bucked against me harder ripping another moan from my throat.

"Whoaa!  Sorry sorry!!" We heard a voice say coming from the door way. I let out a small scream as we saw the back of Steve's head move back out of the room.

"What the fuck Steve?" Natasha asked harshly. I tried to move my body away from hers in a better or more.  At least modest position but she held my hands down like he did in the bathroom earlier.

"Ya what the fuck Steve?" We heard a chuckling tony stark say from the door way. Tony poked his head in and looked at us.

"Wow damn cap. How do you walk away from this?" He asked as Natasha threw a pillow at him. Steve yanked the back of Tony's shirt collar and pulled him from the room.

"Get the fuck out! We're busy!" Nat said i smirked up at her and bucked into her.

She moaned sharply as her throbbing clit thumped into mine. I leaned back into her pulling her tits back into my face.her nipples were getting harder in between my teeth while my body moved against hers again.

I bucked into her sharply rubbing against her wetness and mixing it with mine. Every time i made her twitch she would bite at my flesh. She marked me up hickying my collar bones, around my breasts and in between them.

"God i...your body is like...." She started but couldn't finish. I had moved both of my hands around to grab her ass and grind into her more. Her eyes closed as i moaned loudly.

" fingers! Fingers!" She begged and I obeyed, quickly moving a hand down and impaling her with two fingers. She gasped as her legs started to shake. I moaned and humped into her harder while fingering her from her other side.

Her head flew back as she came. Her liquid splashing down against me as i came shortly after her. Flipping us over to ride out my own high fucking against her body.

She hummed under me as I flopped down on top of her. She moved her hands up to hold my face up and kissed me. I smirked as a thought popped into my head.

"You are all talk. 'Im not gonna let you cum' 'dont make me gag you'." I teased she gave me a look.

"You think i won't?" She asked baiting me. I smiled at Her.

"Oh i know you would. Just not tonight." I said almost in a question. She smiled.

"I could hardly tie you up and torture fuck you after you've told me you love me." She said making me laugh.

"Fair point."

"I adore you." She said kissing me again. I let out a strange squeal. A certain type of happy sound as i rolled off her. She moved back up and scooted closer to me. I pulled her into my arms and kissed her lips once again.

"I adore you!"

[hopelessromanticspoonie]

To Keep You Safe

Title: I felt the poison fright that’s in your breath

Chapter: 3/?

Author: hopeless_romantic_spoonie

Summary: Life as the assistant to Tony Stark was busy, but boring. All of that changed when I touched something I shouldn’t have and woke up with strange new abilities. If I thought that trying to figure out my new place in life as an Avenger was tough, I had no idea what was in store for me once I ran into the frustrating God of Mischief, Loki.

Rating: E (later on)

Also on Ao3 here :)

Warnings for this chapter: Language

 ~~~

“F.R.I.D.A.Y. make the light go away,” I muttered, the rising sun making an unwelcome appearance against my closed eyelids.

“Certainly, Jen.” The bright red light slowly eased as I heard the AI helpfully drawing the blinds neatly installed inside of the glass.

“Thanks, Fri.” I rolled over onto my side away from the window, snuggling deeper into the sheets as I tried in vain to fall back to sleep. After a moment, my need for the bathroom and another dose of pain meds was not to be ignored. With a frustrated sigh, I dragged myself out of bed and stumbled to the ensuite bathroom to use the facilities. My strength was marginally better than yesterday after the short sleep in the outrageously soft bed, but I knew that what would truly help me feel better would be a shower and some warm food. I hadn’t had either in far too long.

It was a struggle, but with a few short rests on the built-in seat in the extravagant shower with two heads that could realistically hold at least four people, I managed to scrub the sweat and grime off of my pale body. F.R.I.D.A.Y. let me know that it was okay to remove the bandage on my head, as it would need changing soon anyway, and carefully scrubbing my hair revealed several stitches stretching across my forehead. Upon inspection in the mirror, the injury which felt as if it encompassed my entire forehead really was only one or two inches in length. My already pale skin looked gray, with even the multitude of light brown freckles across my nose and cheeks appearing duller than normal. My hazel eyes had their luster stolen by fatigue and pain, but maybe some food would help that aspect of my corpse-like appearance. Even just a little color in my cheeks would be a welcome improvement.

In truth, my appearance shouldn’t matter. Two days ago I was attacked by some random piece of possibly alien technology. I had a concussion, my entire body felt like it had been flattened repeatedly by a tank, and the dark purple bruises scattered across my body served as visual evidence of the mysterious accident. But there wasn’t anything to be done about either, so I’d just have to suck it up. It was just so very easy to become hyper-aware of my own appearance when surrounded by superheroes who could get side gigs as supermodels.

“Jen, Pepper had some clothing purchased and placed inside the dresser for you. She also says that Tony will call for you in the infirmary once the tests they began yesterday have completed,” F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s voice stated pleasantly, filling the room as I walked out of the bathroom wrapped in a plush cream towel. I grunted in acknowledgment and hobbled over to the closet. Inside were simple clothes that, from touch alone, I knew were far too expensive for my budget. Grabbing a set of underclothes along with a soft pair of black leggings, a thin white sweatshirt, and a sturdy looking pair of black ankle boots, I dressed slowly. It was a painfully embarrassing process that took several minutes and two breaks, but I assured F.R.I.D.A.Y. that I didn’t need the help of Natasha or Wanda. I was injured, but I wasn’t helpless. My own soiled underclothes and Thor’s borrowed pajamas were left in the laundry basket to be washed and returned to their respective owners at a later time.

“Now for food,” I mumbled to myself, opening the door to my room cautiously. It was quite early, the clock in the hall read eight in the morning, but I also knew the various Avengers tended to rise early to get a head start on the day. Saving the world doesn't care about the snooze button. Peeking outside, I let out a breath of relief that I didn’t realize I was holding when a certain Asgardian Prince was nowhere to be found. Instead, Sam, Natasha, Wanda, and Steve were all in the kitchen either preparing or consuming their morning meals. Wanda looked up when she heard the faint whirring of the automatic door opening, smiling gently when she saw my bedraggled and damp figure standing in the doorway. The others followed her gaze and shot stunning smiles my way as well. Geez, these people needed to control their hotness so early in the morning. At least tone it down until I'd had a cup of coffee.

“Jen! Want a protein shake?” Natasha offered, holding up her glass of beige sludge in greeting. Steve seemed to be having the same. I could smell bacon frying, which Sam turned back to the stove to tend to after waving a spatula in my direction. Wanda was sleepily picking at a bowl of fruit while she scrolled through her phone. It was an abnormally normal breakfast scene for an extraordinary bunch of folks.

“No thanks, Natasha. Any more of that left, Sam?” I asked hopefully, eyeing the bacon and eggs frying up as I settled onto a stool at the bar next to Steve.

“Scrambled or fried?” Sam questioned, pulling open the nearest large refrigerator and grabbing a carton of eggs and a packet of bacon.

“Oh no, I can make-”

“Scrambled or fried?” Sam repeated, a hint of frustration edging onto his tone, countered by the easy smile he wore.

“Scrambled, please. Thanks,” I replied quietly, nodding to him with a grateful smile. I turned my attention to Steve and Natasha, who were pouring over a piece of paper between them as they finished their liquid breakfast. “Everything okay?”

Steve looked up at me, his eyes revealing a kindness that the rest of his serious face did not. He was obviously in Captain America mode, fully focused on the business in front of him.

“Yes ma’am. We have a mission to head off to in about 30 minutes. Everybody except Stark and Banner. Stark said that he needed to stay here and figure you out. I’m sure he’ll have you with him by that time, so you won’t have to worry about a thing,” he assured me, patting my arm lightly before getting up and putting his glass in the dishwasher. After that, he retreated to his room to assumedly get ready for the mission.

Natasha finished up her breakfast as well, giving my shoulder a squeeze before she jogged toward the stairs. Sam and Wanda followed suit after he put a delectable plate of bacon and eggs in front of my face with a wink and she polished off her small meal.

Alone in the kitchen, I inhaled my breakfast with the grace of a rabid dog. Three days without food was too much, and my stomach growled even as I shoveled food inside it as quickly as possible.

“Milady, you are looking well this morning!” Thor exclaimed, coming from his own bedroom to greet me with a gentle hug. His large hand went to my cheek so he could better examine my forehead with steady, calm eyes. “Did you face any more troubles since our last meeting?”

I flushed under the intensity of his stare as he checked my wounds, feeling small with his giant grip holding me steady. He meant nothing by it, that much was obvious, but it was hard not to get caught up in the positive attitude and compassion that radiated from his exuberant face.

“Nothing new to report on my end. Tony will call me sometime soon, and then-”

“Hey kid, we’re ready for you in the infirmary whenever you are. Finish up and head this way ASAP,” Tony directed, his quick instructions sounding from the many speakers dotting around the room.

“Guess duty calls, Thor. I’ll see you all when you get back from wherever the hell you’re going?” I asked, snagging my last piece of bacon from my plate as I slowly rose from the barstool. Thor’s hand had fallen from my face while Tony talked, his assessment seeming to come up satisfactory by the nod he sent my way.

“Of course, fair maiden. Until we meet again,” Thor beamed, bowing dramatically at my exit.

I bowed my head to Thor before turning with a laugh, enjoying the lightness to my steps despite the protest in my bones. It was nice to have someone to joke around with, even if that someone was a thousand-year-old god from a foreign planet.

I chewed on the last bit of bacon as I walked into the infirmary. Dr. Banner and Tony were standing behind a computer, talking quietly and pouring over whatever they saw on the screen. When Tony saw me arrive he stood up and rushed over to my side. He knew better than to offer to help me, but it didn’t stop his hovering like a concerned parent as he gestured for me to sit on the edge of an examination table. Dr. Banner offered me a smile and a nod in greeting before he went back to whatever they were working on before I strolled in.

“Awesome, you’re here. So, we haven’t exactly figured out what the box that Danvers left does or where it comes from. She’s working on trying to track its home right now. In the meantime, we have a working theory on what it did to you,” Tony explained hastily. His poor mouth couldn't keep up with his brain sometimes. He always seemed a little manic whenever he was working on something new, and I was the shiny new puzzle waiting to be solved.

“Okay... So, what’s the news? Did it do anything while it was shocking the crap out of me or am I good to go?” I asked, my eyes darting back and forth between the two men in front of me. Dr. Banner's somber expression and Tony's almost-frantic pace hinted at the former, but I could always be hopeful for the latter.

“We believe that it gave you geokinesis,” Dr. Banner stated, finally looking me in the eyes for more than a second as he turned the monitor to where I could see it.

“What?” The word was quiet from shock, half-voiced, as my brain struggled to compute what the soft-spoken genius had said. What did geokinesis even mean?

More questions died on my open lips as I watched the monitor. It was video footage of Loki and me last night. More specifically, just a looping clip of me slapping him and the houseplant flying into the wall and shattering. If I gained nothing else from this moment, I wanted a copy of me hitting him to cherish forever. The bastard deserved it and so much more.

“This is just us fighting and him doing his weird trickster bullshit to intimidate me. I don’t see anything,” I stated frankly.

“Geokinesis is the ability to control the earth with your mind. That plant wasn’t one of Loki’s tricks; I asked Reindeer Games this morning. All you, kid,” Tony replied, firm but kind.

My eyes bored the screen as I tried to find a connection between the potted plant and myself. Sure, if you thought about it that way then it could look like I was the one who did it. But all kinds of crazy stuff happened in this Compound, especially with Loki and Wanda around. Who knew if Loki was even telling the truth? He was the God of Lies, Mischief, and Trickery. When I voiced my concerns, Tony and Dr. Banner both shook their heads.

“He wasn’t lying about this, Jen. The flowers in your room wilted when you woke up in pain, and they were only hours old. I’m sure the same can be said for those in your room. We want to do some more tests, maybe run you by Wanda, and see what this means for you,” Dr. Banner said, his concise but polite tone cutting through any doubts I was about to raise.

If they were wrong, then what was the harm? A few more vials of blood and some boring hours spent in Tony’s lab. Might as well see this thing through to the end.

They explained what the next steps for me would be as Tony checked my vital signs and applied a new bandage over the stitches on my head. I was to give more blood and tissue samples for them to look over, and I would meet with Wanda to see if she could help me figure out this whole new power thing--if it existed at all. Hers was the most similar to what I could possibly do, besides Loki, and it wasn't a secret that I’d rot in Hell before I allowed him to help me with anything.

After giving Bruce, he insisted on dropping the formalities, and Tony all that they needed, I was given enough painkillers and muscle relaxers to last me for the next few days. They both said it looked like the bruising on my body and gash on my forehead was healing at an impressive rate, but it was nice to have the meds as a backup. Tony also gave me a new phone as mine had gotten fried right along with me a few days ago. All that was left was to hand over the keys to my small studio apartment so Tony could have my belongings moved, as I was going to have to live on base for the time being. If I did have weird mystical earth mojo, I needed to stay away from the general public until I had it firmly in control. And it didn’t make sense to pay inflated rent prices on a home I wouldn’t see for months at the very least.

With nothing else to do and no one to distract me, the small garden tucked away on the roof seemed like the best option to do some thinking about what I'd learned. I hadn’t breathed fresh air in days. All the information dropped on my shoulders felt like it would crush me if I didn’t get outside, even for just a moment. Thankfully it wasn’t the worst trek up there after the meds kicked in and loosened my stiff joints.

And that was where Loki found me, sitting on a bench in the tucked-away garden, going through the arduous process of setting up my new phone with all of my contacts and settings lost from my old phone. The breeze stirred my hair around my shoulders and the sun warmed my skin, but my blood ran cold when I looked up to see the smaller of the two Odinson brothers regarding me silently.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer,” I snapped, glaring at him briefly before returning back to the settings on my phone. Was there an app to get this annoying god to leave me alone?

“You’re seeking the Witch for aid.” Loki arched his brow, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Spying on me, Loki? How did you even know about that? I didn’t know I interested you so much,” I replied with a sickly sweet smile. I tucked my phone into the pocket of my hoodie, resigned to finish this conversation before I attempted to keep working. He wasn’t going to leave me alone until he got what he wanted, so I might as well get it over with.

“I hardly have interest in a dull mortal woman such as yourself. My only concern is self-preservation, as it would be most unfortunate if you misplaced your temper and started hurling rocks everywhere like an ape,” he rolled his eyes, closing the distance between us with a few sauntering steps. He offered no explanation for his knowledge, but the God of Mischief surely had several ways to overhear things he shouldn’t.

“If you want to make sure I keep my cool, why don’t you stay the hell away from me?” I seethed, standing up to lessen the impact his tall frame had looming over mine. Every move he made was probably planned and calculated to piss me off, to create mischief. Even with this knowledge it was difficult to keep him from getting under my skin.

“Oh, that wouldn’t be any fun now, would it? Your fear is intoxicating, darling,” he said, his voice deep and rich as he leaned towards me as if drinking in my negative emotions.

It took every bit of courage in me to not shrink away from the intensity of his gaze. His piercing eyes tore right through me to my very core, where nothing but hatred and fear and pain resided for the Prince before me. I hated that he could see it in the pulse racing on my neck, the rapid heaving of my chest, and the tense muscles all along my body.

“You don’t scare me, Loki. Piss me off, oh yes, but I’m not afraid of you,” I bluffed, clenching my jaw to keep my voice from wavering. I knew exactly what he was capable of, especially to a dull mortal woman like me. I reminded myself every day with the gold necklace around my neck. He was a murderer, a villain, and no amount of good deeds would right those wrongs or change who he was at his core.

“Is that so, Jennifer? It’s foolish to attempt deceit with the God of Lies.” His piercing gaze finally left mine and looked behind me pointedly.

Not wanting to turn my back to him, but unable to stifle my curiosity, I turned my head to see what was so fascinating from the corner of my eye. “Oh. Shit,” I muttered, fully turning to take in the rocks floating several feet from the ground. That was me? As soon as my horror turned to shock, they fell back to the roof with a chorus of resounding cracks.

“That wasn’t my doing,” Loki whispered, his cool, firm chest suddenly pressing lightly against my shoulder and his lips so close to my ear I could feel his breath on my pebbled skin.

I jerked away from his touch and turned around, throwing my hands in front of me in defense. As if that would do anything to the smirking god before me. What might do damage were the stepping stones now flying in his direction. That would have been impressive, if not for my terrible aim. Instead crashes echoed around the rooftop as they smashed through the glass windows behind him.

“Next time you touch me, Loki, those rocks will go through your face,” I promised coldly, attempting to play off my knee-jerk reaction as a threat instead of a wildly inaccurate mistake.

Of course, the God of Lies didn’t buy it. There wasn’t an ounce of fear on his face as he merely bowed his head to me in parting before turning and walking away with a throaty chuckle. Even in a simple black suit, he radiated the power and ease of an Asgardian Prince. And it was infuriating.

[dragonhrte]

Destiny? Chapter Eight: Neither Here Nor There

Author's Note:

Thank you so much for giving this work a read! Quick disclaimer, for all intents and purposes MHA/BNHA are not mine they do not belong to me. The manga and anime have inspired me to write this fiction and dialogue as well as events are given credit to the beautiful people who have blessed us with this series. Aside from standard story line events this work is mine. Don't forget to comment and heart! This story references events from previous chapters, if something does not make sense, feel free to reread from the beginning.

Please note that

*abc* is a sound effect

'abc' is internal thoughts of whomever

"abc" is dialogue

(abc) is a side note from yours truly ;)

~Love, DragonHearte

I open the door to Max's apartment after an extremely eventful day at school, stopping briefly to take my shoes off at the door. I walk into my room and see the bed in front of me as I drop my backpack to the floor. I flop down, and sleep overtakes me.

I wake up, through bleary eyes and see that it’s the next morning. ‘Damn, same dream. When will the nightmares stop?’ I throw the blanket off of me and hesitate for a moment. ‘Wait I went to sleep on top of my bed covers last night?’ I don’t dwell on the thought for too long before I walk out into the kitchen, and Max is there drinking his morning cup of coffee. I rub my eyes tiredly and then see Max look up at me, he has a strange look on his face as he says, “Damn, Eva, you look like you were run over by a bus.”

“Wow, thanks. Why don’t you tell me how you really feel Max.”

“What happened, are you okay? I heard your class got attacked by villains. I called you and texted you, but you didn't respond to me. I was very worried, until I came home and saw your door open with you passed out on top of your bed. I gave you a spare blanket from the hallway closet.”

“Yeah, some villains ambushed my class. I’m fine, I didn’t get hurt. I had the nightmare, that’s all.”

“Oh, it was one of those nights.”

“Yeah,” I breathe in deeply as I start to recall the dream.

‘I sit up on a bed, it was dark all around me. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes to try and get a clearer view of the room, it was then that I noticed the broken full-length mirror to my right and the door to my left with a crack running diagonally across it, from one side to the other. I was back there, at the other house. I try to move, but my hands are tied to the bedposts, my lower half  frozen in place from the waist down. I look around the room frantically hoping that it won’t turn out like every other time I have this dream. I am out of luck though because like always there he is in the corner of the room, a cold smile on his face as he approached me.’ I felt tears prick the back of my eyes as the memory of the past forced me to relive the experience.

‘There are tears streaming down my face as he leans down and wipes them away with the pad of his thumb, and he stands over me face full of what he claims to be love. His twisted version of love, is a sick realm of lies. A web that I am helplessly caught within. A result of a system created to protect me. He hangs above me like a spider above it’s prey, watching in delight as I struggle against my restraints. Then all eight of his hands proceed with their torture. Handling me in ways I don’t want. Touching me, caressing me, groping me with no signs of stopping. With the constant whisper of “I love you” after each and every movement. “I just want to show you how much I love you.'' There was a flash of crimson and then I woke up.’ I take in a deep shuddering breath and realize I’m trembling slightly from the memory.

Max stands up and wraps me in a hug, secure and safe. A stark contrast to the tight and suffocating hold the past still has on my subconscious. He leans back and says, “I’m sorry you had to relive that, just know that I’m here for you if you ever need me okay?”

“Uh-huh.” I reply.

“Oh, by the way the school sent me an email. There aren’t any classes today, which makes sense considering yesterday’s events.”

“Mhmm.” I respond quietly, still a bit tired and drained.

“Well kiddo, I’m going to head to work. Text me if you need anything okay?”

“Yup.” I look on as Max puts on his shoes and leaves. I sigh and shuffle back into my room, ‘There’s no point in trying to go back to sleep now. I’m kinda scared it’ll just continue from where it left off.’ I look down at my backpack that was tossed haphazardly to the side and decide to do my homework after a nice soak in the tub. ‘A bit of self-care after such a stressful day yesterday and that dream is a must.’ I gather my bubble bath supplies from under the sink in my en-suite bathroom. They're rarely used, but come in handy on days like this. I start by turning on the tub faucet, and adding a pink and purple bath bomb into the tub. Then, lighting some tea lights around the tub edges, and some larger candles in the corners. After stripping down and turning off the water at the desired depth, I delve into the warm bath I have prepared for myself. The swirls of color on the surface of the water and the slight aroma allowing me to finally attempt to relax after the ordeal from yesterday morning. ‘Taking a bubble bath and focusing on what caused me to snap will probably help me redirect my focus from my nightmare.’

I heave a big sigh and reflect, images of the fight flashing through my mind as I tried to sort through my thoughts, while taking my loofah and scrubbing away the grime and residual dirt from the day before. ‘Let's do a bit of a step-by-step walk through, to try to figure out what happened in the collapsed zone today. I was fighting beside Kirishima, I got a taste for what it feels like to get hit by Bakugo’s quirk.’ I wince at the memory, ‘Note to self, at least in terms of potency of Bakugo’s quirk he is not in fact all bark and no bite. Then, I saw Kirishima look alarmed at something behind me, when I turned around, there was a villain laying on the floor face covered in blood, her nose smashed. Then after the exchange between Bakugo and Kirishima I looked at my hands to discover they were covered in blood.’

I look down at my hands and scrub at the dried blood in the crevices surrounding my nails. ‘So, clearly whatever caused me to lose control happened somewhere between fighting side-by-side with Kirishima and the impact from the explosion.’

I furrow my brows in concentration, and a frown forms on my lips, as I recall the events leading up to my blood-stained hands. ‘That one villain, the hurtful slew of words. That’s what set me off.’

I sink further down into the tub and lay still, I take a deep breath in an attempt to calm the rush of adrenaline that I spurred on when I recalled the actions of the villain leading up to my loss of control. After a few minutes of letting myself soak, I continue my thought process, ‘I can’t believe I was triggered into a frenzied rage. How did I let my anger get to that point?’

I stew in the tub for a bit longer and finally unplug the drain and blow out the candles on my way out. Wrapping myself in a towel, and make certain all the candles are out before leaving the bathroom. I settle for a comfortable pair of pajamas an overly sized t-shirt and some pajama shorts. I tabled the issue of my mental instability for later, right now I needed to do my homework as unenthused as I was at the idea of doing said homework. I take a break for a couple of minutes and realize I haven’t eaten any breakfast. ‘I guess that nightmare messed me up more than I would like to admit. I don’t even feel hungry and it’s around the time that I usually eat lunch.’

I hear my phone notification and quickly check to see who texted me. My eyes widen at all the missed text messages and phone calls from Max. ‘I must’ve been pretty knocked out to not hear any of these. Damn.’ I scroll down to the most recent message from Max.

Max: “Hey, in case you want a snack but you’re not all that hungry, I restocked your Takis supply. Love you…”

I leap off my bed and dart into the kitchen, almost slamming into the pantry in my haste. There they are, the large bags of Takis, five of them! ‘And to think, they’re all for meee!’ I almost click my heels together in happiness, my mood switching immediately after seeing the delectable bags of morsels. I reach up on my tippy-toes and I’m not able to feel the bag at all, they’re up too high. I curse silently, ‘Max, why have you forsaken me. You’re six foot nothing. I am barely five feet tall, I cannot reach the same heights as you without assistance.’ I jump up, and my fingertips don’t even brush the packaging. “Dammit!” I exclaim to myself. I huff and stomp over towards a chair, lift it up and bring it over to the pantry. I set it down and get on top of it I snatch a bag and return the chair back to its rightful place and close the pantry door.

I grab a water bottle from the fridge, then rush back to my room and rip open the bag. I grab a taki from inside the bag.

I scroll through my social media for a few minutes munching happily and then set my snack aside. I enter my bathroom and quickly wash my hands before doing my homework to avoid getting any stains on the paper. I finally finish my homework after a couple of hours. 

I hear a knock at the door, and my head shoots up from my current position lying on my bed. ‘I’m not expecting anyone…’ I walk to the door and open it hesitantly, it’s flung open from the pink alien behind it.

“Evangeline!” Ashido exclaims arms open wide for an embrace.

“Hello, Ashido-”

“Why are you in your pajamas? We have the day off today, let’s get you dressed and go out for some coffee.”

I walk into my room, with Ashido following closely behind me. She pushes past me and approaches the closet swinging the doors wide open to fully examine my wardrobe. She’s shuffling through my hangers full of clothes, with enough speed to cause a slight clatter as she moves to the next article of clothing. Once in a while pulling something out and holding it up to my body but putting it back after deeming it unsatisfactory. Finally, she settles on an oversized pale pink hoodie and a pair of light blue denim jeans shoving the items into my chest.

“Here, put these on.” Ashido stares at me expectantly, and I stand there for a moment then ask, “Could you turn around?”

“We’re both girls, there’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Ashido says while turning around. I change into the outfit she’s chosen for me and tap her on the shoulder signaling for her to turn back around. She turns around and smiles broadly, approving of the outfit that she had chosen herself.

“Okay, well let’s go!” She says, letting me quickly grab my wallet and house key before I put on my socks and my high-tops, then hurrying out the door after her. I send a quick text message to Max, letting him know that I am going out with a friend and might not be home when he gets back from work. Ashido’s excited demeanor distracts me from my worries as we walk to the café.

“I’m getting a caramel macchiato, what’re you getting?” Ashido asks me.

“A hot chocolate with whipped cream and a caramel drizzle.” I reply, after looking at the options listed on the sign behind the cashier.

We wait for our drinks in silence and Ashido guides me to a table towards the middle of the café. Sitting down she asks, “So, how are you doing?”

I blow on my drink and look at her quizzically, “What do you mean?”

“Well, you seemed out of it on the bus and later on during class. Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I guess. Just a bit shaken up from the chaos.”

“I think we all are, which is why I’m glad they gave us the day off.” Ashido says before taking a sip from her sugar-filled coffee.

“I am too, it gave me some much-needed time to regroup.” I take a tentative sip of the hot chocolate not wanting to burn my mouth with a molten hot beverage. It’s too hot still so I blow air across the surface of my drink.

“I think everyone needed it.” Ashido takes another sip and looks off towards the window, and then returns her gaze towards me.

“Why did you show up at my apartment?”

“Oh, that’s easy! I wanted to hang out with you and also check up on you to see how you were doing.”

I nod my head, accepting her statement and then asked my second more important question, “How did you find my apartment?”

“I asked Present Mic where you lived and he told me.”

I feel my eyebrows contract in confusion for a second. But I dismiss my concerns. ‘I know Ashido wants to be a supportive friend. There’s nothing more to it.’

Our conversation continues freely, mostly her talking about various different topics while I listened. I take the final gulp from my hot chocolate, and put the cup down, to see Ashido quickly snapping a picture of me on her phone.

“Hey, what was that for?!” I exclaim.

“You’ve got some whipped cream on your upper lip, see?” She turns her phone around and shows me the picture she just took of me and I laugh at the small mustache of whipped cream above a shadow of hot chocolate above my lip. She gets up and squats next to me and takes a selfie of the two of us, one with a mustache and one without. One regular selfie and a few silly ones. We get up and leave, Ashido walking me home, before she leaves though I ask, “Hey, can you send me those pictures you took of the two of us?”

“Sure, what’s your number?”

I give her my number and then she waves goodbye, leaving me to my own devices for the remainder of the day. I change back into my pajamas, and I laze about. I eat some leftovers from the fridge for dinner after getting a text from Max saying he was going to be working late again. I settle into bed and read a book. After reading a few chapters I turn off my bedside lamp, and let my mind wander. ‘I didn’t realize just how tired I was. It could’ve quickly gotten worse for that villain. What would’ve happened if the explosion from Bakugo’s quirk hadn’t gotten so close to me? Would I have been able to stop myself? Would Kirishima and Bakugo have had to pry me off of the dead villain’s corpse? I must have had some semblance of control. If I didn’t I probably would’ve killed her.’ I sigh as the last thought crosses my mind and close my eyes hoping for either better dreams or no dreams at all.

Chapter Nine: Where To

[supercitycarnival]

Hi! Any chance you could write a Supercat #58 as a post-breaking-off-engagement sequel to your #26 fic, please? Thanks.

Oh my goodness. @statuepuppie, I can! I totally can. Love it. Here ya go.

58. You smell like a wet dog.

Read Part 1 here.

*****************

Kara hovered high above the city. She watched all the lights twinkling from cars and buildings below. The wind swirled around her, blowing her hair every which way. She didn’t mind. The cool air felt good.

Trying to hone in on emergency noises around the city, Kara found her mind jumbling. All the sounds seemed to mix together. She couldn’t focus. She’d been up here for over ten minutes, listening.

Tapping the comm in her ear, Kara asked, “Alex?”

“I’m here,” Alex quickly responded.

Kara sighed, then admitted, “I don’t think I’m up for this tonight.”

There was a short silence before Alex answered, “No worries, Supergirl. We’ve got the city covered tonight. Get some rest.”

“Thanks, Alex.”

Kara tapped the comm again, turning it off. Maybe flying for a while would get rid of her melancholy. Floating back down among the skyscrapers, Kara took her time. She couldn’t miss the CatCo building towering above downtown. Kara looked away, averting her gaze.

It had been a week since Kara told Cat about her engagement to Mon-El. Cat had been distant ever since. Kara hated it. In the months since Mon-El’s departure and Cat’s return, she and Kara had been getting closer. Spending more time together, staying at the office after hours, texting at night, casual touches. Kara had been on the brink of finally confessing her alter ego, hoping to deepen their relationship, though she knew Cat already knew.

Now Kara had made all the months of progress mute with a hasty “yes” that she’d said without thinking. But the joyful smile on Mon-El’s face, and the way he picked her up and spun her around, made her think that this was her shot at happiness. After all, Cat was an unattainable dream.

Kara flew passed CatCo, pushing the thought from her mind that Cat was probably there right now. Weaving between the buildings, Kara came to the outskirts of downtown. The blaring sirens were left behind the farther away she flew from the city’s center.

Suddenly another sound came to her ears. A sound that made the superhero even more alert than the sirens. The unmistakable sound of a small animal crying out.

Kara adjusted to follow the sound. Landing at the grate of wide circular storm drain, Kara peered into the darkness with her sharp alien vision. There, in the dark, a small puppy was whining. Kara’s heart wrenched at the sight.

“Hey,” she whispered. “Hey, it’s okay, come here.”

Slowly, the puppy waded through water that was halfway up his tiny legs. Kara stuck her finger through the slats in the grate, offering her scent to the little puppy. He licked her fingertips and Kara was instantly smitten.

Curling her hands around the slats, Kara pulled the grate apart with a metallic screech that startled the puppy. He tucked his tail between his back legs, cowering.

“No, no,” Kara said. “It’s okay. Come here.”

The puppy came close again and Kara carefully picked him up. He was barely big enough to have to use two hands. His white coat was dirty and his ribs were visible. Kara held him close, allowing her natural Kryptonian warmth to soothe the puppy. He nuzzled into her and Kara chuckled softly. She was giddy with puppy love.

After fixing the grate, Kara wrapped her cape around the puppy. She, slowly rose into the air to head home. She couldn’t wait to show Mon-El.

********************

Landing gingerly on the fire escape outside her living room window, Kara came into the apartment.

“Mon-El, look!” Kara said, enthusiastically.

From his place on the sofa, Mon-El turned around. His happy smile at seeing his fiancèe faded when he saw the small package she was cradling.

He furrowed his brow questioningly. “Is that a dog?”

“Better. It’s a puppy,” Kara sing-songed.

Expression turning to disdain, Mon-El commented, “It’s filthy.”

Trying not to be hurt at his obvious disapproval, Kara said, “I’ll give him a bath and he’ll be perfect.” She stroked her thumb over the top of the puppy’s tiny head lovingly.

“You smell like wet dog,” he told her, turning his nose up as he stepped closer. Leaning over, he peered at the baby dog in Kara’s arms.

Frustration mounted in Kara’s gut. Why did he have to blow off everything she liked? Her beaming smile gone, Kara walked past Mon-El and toward her bathroom. After retrieving a towel, Kara wrapped the puppy up. She took the pillows from the sofa and made a pallet on the floor, gently setting him down while she got a bath ready in the kitchen sink.

Mon-El watched as Kara moved around the apartment, collecting things for the bath.

“You’re not keeping it, are you?” He asked.

Turning to him sharply, Kara hissed, “Yes.” She took a breath to stay calm. “Yes I am.” She turned back to the sink. “And it’s a ‘he’,” she muttered.

Sighing dramatically, Mon-El sat back down. “You don’t have time for a dog.”

Finally unable to stand his know-it-all attitude, Kara snapped, “Why do you have to do that?”

“Do what?”

“Shut me down.” Her eyes flashed with anger. “Do you do it on purpose?”

Not understanding, he asked, “What are you talking about?”

Kara huffed. Her voice grew stronger. “Do you care about anything I care about?”

“Kara, of course I do?” He stepped closer and reached out to put his hands on her shoulders.

Taking defensive, backward steps, she requested, “Name one thing on this planet you care about.”

Mouth open, Mon-El searched for a response. “I… I care about you. That’s the important thing.”

Kara shook her head. It seemed like they went around and around the same mountain. “No, it’s not. You can’t use me to vicariously become something you’re not, Mon-El. You say that you want to be good, that you want to be a hero, but you don’t take any steps toward that.”

“That’s not true,” he protested. “I’ve fought with you in the field.”

“Yeah, to impress me. Not to help anyone.”

“Kara…” Mon-El trailed off, unable to think of an argument.

Kara scoffed. “You can’t even defend yourself because you know it’s true.” She looked down at her engagement ring. “You don’t even care about me enough to get me a real diamond. Did you just get the easiest thing?”

“The ring isn’t important, Kara,” he tried to counter.

“You’re right. It’s the thought that counts,” she said coldly, knowing he hadn’t put much thought into the ring. Her Supergirl courage fluttered inside her. She needed to stop using Mon-El as a crutch, a short track to happiness. If she moved on with this engagement, Kara would be forever doomed to feeling unimportant and pacified. She couldn’t take his lack of passion, or his self serving attitude any longer.

Pulling the ring from her finger, Kara told him, “This is over.”

Shocked, Mon-El asked, “What? Why?”

“I can’t spend my life making you feel better about yourself while you make me feel terrible about myself.”

“You don’t mean that.” He tried again to reach for  her, and again, Kara back away from his touch.

“I do,” she said adamantly. “You need to go. I’ll bring you your things at the DEO.”

They stood there in the kitchen staring at one another. Kara willed herself to stay strong despite his deceptive sweet eyes. Mon-El silently and slowly moved toward the door.

Holding out the ring as he past her, Kara said, “Don’t forget this.” She dropped the ring with the fake diamond in his hand. With that, he was gone.

********************

A couple of hours later, Kara was lying on her back on the sofa. The puppy was curled into her side, sleeping contentedly under Kara’s soft petting.

She had given him a warm bath, washing the dirt and grime from his coat. She was surprised at how white his fur turned out to be. After feeding him all kinds of yummy people food, Kara played with the puppy on the floor until they were both tuckered out.

Now, sitting on the couch, she was flooded with relief. A burden was lifted from her shoulders and she felt lighter than she had in awhile. And, she couldn’t get her mind off one person.

Kara kept telling herself to wait and tell Cat tomorrow at work that she’d broken things off with Mon-El, but the pull of her phone was too strong.

She reached over the puppy to pick her phone up from the coffee table. Opening her text thread with Cat, Kara scrolled up, smiling as she recalled some of their conversations in the past few months. Scrolling back down, she realized how little they’d corresponded since Kara’s engagement.

Taking a deep breath, Kara typed, I broke off my engagement.

Her heart raced while she waited for a response. She didn’t have to wait long. I’m sorry, Kara. I know that must be painful.

Deciding not to admit that, in fact, it wasn’t painful in the slightest, Kara said, Well, things are already looking up. I got a puppy.

Picture please.

Grinning, Kara opened her camera and turned it to front facing. Holding the phone away, she snapped a photo of the sleeping puppy with her smiling face in the corner of the frame. She sent it.

Cat replied instantly. Perfect. Kara’s grin widened, hoping Cat was talking about her. What’s his name?

Haven’t picked one yet. Kara paused, deciding to see if their former closeness was still intact. Wanna help?

Absolutely. Are we thinking something happy-go-lucky like his new mom, or something more regal?

Kara chuckled. This was more like it.

She and Cat texted for almost an hour, deciding that Cat would have meet the puppy before being able to offer proper input. Kara went to bed feeling energized, hoping the night would pass quickly. She couldn’t wait to see Cat the next day.

********************

TBC (for one more part)

[serenephenix]

Rockabye - Day 3: Blood Loss & Near Death

I gave myself feels with this... Pidge didn’t deserve this...

Can’t she just get her father and brother back and see her Mom again?

Please? With cherry on top?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rockabye

[Fandom]:Voltron: Legendary Defender

[Rating]: Teen Audience/ Gen

[Genre]: Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Sickfic, Blood Loss, Fatal Wound

[Warnings]: Blood and description of provisorily closing an open wound

[Word count]: 2.100

[Status]: completed

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Pidge was sucking in air as she hauled herself into the pilot chair.

The scream she let out was the only relief she had when her side felt like it was going up in flames. She sobbed as she forced her arms to not give out as they shook from the effort.

She felt sorry for her girl. Her pristine cockpit was smeared with red – with Pidge’s blood – and it just became more as she slumped into the chair, her lifeblood leaking out of the wound in a constant, thick flow.

Pidge wanted to pretend she was in control and knew what she was supposed to do but her mind, usually sharp and quick, was overtaken by raw and undiluted panic.

The cut was deep, had gone right through skin and muscle like a knife through warm butter, which was ironic seeing as it had not been a blade that had caught her but a piece of shrapnel from an explosion she had triggered.

“Stupid!”

Her outburst only served to aggravate her side further and Pidge’s whole spine went rigid as she rode out the new wave of pain, tears escaping her eyes and leaving tracks on her cheeks where it washed away some of the grime and dust.

She screamed as she pressed her hand firmly against the wound, her brain somehow remembering that it was essential to stop the blood flow, to make sure she did not bleed out.

She only could gasp and pant, her free hand too uncoordinated to get the comms to work.

“Green, please, I need your help.”

She sounded desperate and wasn’t that just what she was. Oh Goood, she hoped Green understood. Understood what she needed without asking her to help along the way.

There was a familiar, deep rumble at the back of her mind, low and displeased but it was hard to tell about what. About Pidge questioning her intelligence? About her Paladin sullying her cockpit? About her pilot being hurt?

The tingle rushing through her limbs told her it was the latter.

Pidge needn’t lift a finger as every system booted up, with the communications being one of the first to light up the screens.

There were no images, surely the others still in the midst of battle but she knew that everyone could hear her.

“Guys,” Talking hurt. It hurt so much. Pidge could not fight the moan her words devolved into, “I’ve been hit.”

The voices of her teammates instantly assaulted her from all sides, their worried shouts mingling with the mayhem of gunshots and blasts of the battles they were still engaged in.

“What happened? Are you alright?”

“What?”

“What happened?”

“Oh my God!

“Pidge!”

She did her best to concentrate on her leader first.

“I was trying to get away and overloaded a system with my grappler… and it backfired. Literally.”

The last part came out as a groan, her feet uselessly scraping over the metal floor of the cockpit as a fresh wave of pain rushed through her entire body.

“How bad is it?”

Pidge wanted to answer but suddenly she could not get the words out, lump choking her as fear suddenly overwhelmed her. She felt out of control.

“I- I don’t know.” She croaked, her throat hurting as she forced out the words. It was getting hard to focus. “It’s bleeding – it’s bleeding so much. I- I can’t.”

It was such a strange feeling, to be aware of the fact that she was breathing too hard and fast and yet feeling unable to do anything about it, as though she were merely a powerless onlooker.

The worried shouts from her friends and teammates bled into each other, mingling with Green’s mental shoves and purring, only further disorienting her, paralyzing her.

What was she supposed to do? What could she do?

Why was her brain failing her now, when it was imperative it didn’t?

She felt herself sliding down in her seat but could not move, her vision starting to tunnel when suddenly there was silence, safe for her Lion’s presence and a single, calm voice speaking through the comms.

“Pidge, can you hear me?”

She looked up, blinking at Coran as he seemed to hover directly at her side, instead of still being on the bridge in the Castle.

He waited for her to answer, merely looking her over but Pidge could not do anything. It was scary.

“Listen.” Coran said, with a calm and assurance they only saw when thing s were dire. “I need you to listen to me. Can you do that?”

Pidge wanted to nod but her neck was stiff and so she blinked at the advisor slow and with purpose and it seemed he caught onto it, probably remembering the discussion they had had about emergencies and how on Earth medics tried to communicate with patients that could no longer speak.

“Good.” He said. It was strange how his voice grounded her. “You have to calm down and you need to breathe. You have to try and start breathing normally again. Take your time.”

She knew that last bit was only to take pressure off her shoulders. They did not have time but it was funny how such a simple yet inane assurance was enough to get her to take a deep breath through her nose, just before she knew it would inevitably hurt before releasing it back through her mouth.

“You’re doing well, Pidge.”

She gave a small chuckle, surprised that she was even capable of doing it.

“What happened to number five?”

The man’s lips quirked just the tiniest bit.

“Would you rather prefer that?”

“No.”

Coran gave her a sage nod.

“Can you sit up?”

Pidge thought it over. She was comfortable right now. Too comfortable and lethargic.

This was bad.

Steeling herself, Pidge nodded, putting her left arm on the armrest to use as leverage, her fingers and nails digging into it as she tried using her legs to position herself in her seat.

All the time, Coran gave her kind encouragements, pushing her but never rushing.

It was a slow, grueling process but she somehow did it. Panting, she sat or rather leaned into her chair. The feeling of the sticky blood that had started to pool under her thighs was disgusting, making her shiver in revulsion.

“Good job, Pidge.”

He looked proud but that could just be Pidge’s vision that was starting to become hazy at the edges. They were running out of time. They had to hurry or Pidge couldn’t tell if she would still be able to make it back to the Castle before she lost consciousness.

“Okay.” she gasped, squeezing her eyes shut to fight back the nausea “What do I do now?”

“You need to open the compartment just beneath the console in front of you. It contains all of the emergency equipment to close wounds. At least until you can get back to us. Then we will take it from there.”

Pidge nodded, her helmet hitting against a hard plate on her seat.

Opening her eyes, glad to find the sight of a medical kit greeting her (or the alien equivalent at least).

“Thanks girl.” She whispered, receiving a warm rush coursing through her cold limbs in response.

Coran reminded her of the task at hand as he instructed her to grab a small device that looked more like a fancy, ergonomic pencil rather than any sort of gadget she would have associated with first aid.

What Coran told her to do afterwards though, was enough to turn her stomach around.

“Pidge, you will have activate this device and then apply it to your wound.” His eyes hardened but not in sternness but sympathy. “It will hurt but you must do it. Do you understand?”

Pidge was scared and shaking but yeah, she did. She really, really did which probably made it ten times worse. She took a huge gulp of air and nodded.

“Grip it tight and it should activate.”

It did with a steady hum and a blue glow they all had grown accustomed to as residents of the Castle.

The tip glowed the brightest and it was one of the most intimidating sights she had ever seen.

She looked at Coran imploringly.

“I’m here and everything is going to be alright.”

She nodded her head jerkily, her hands shaking. She did not want to take away her hand coated in blood. She did not want to do what she was sure was going to happen if she put the tip onto the edge of her wound.

“I can’t.” Tears ran down her face, her voice breaking. “I don’t know if I can do this, Coran.”

Coran’s moustache was quivering a tremendous amount but otherwise it was impossible to tell this ordeal was taking its toll on him as well.

“I wished I could take this from you but you have to be strong again. And then, I promise, we will take care of you. You won’t have to worry about anything.”

She let his voice wash over him, calming her as he kept giving her reasons why this needed to be done. Before she grew too weak to hold onto the device, before she bled out.

“We will help you out of Green and get you to the pods.”

She closed her eyes, doing her best at regulating her breathing.

She inched the device closer to her side.

“It won’t take long. I am sure that once you are out, number two would love to make you one of those coo-keys Allura has told me you fancy.”

The memory of Allura approaching her, and of the ensuing fiasco that was their conversation, manages to make her smile even if it makes her dry lips prick when the skin finally tears burning and she welcomes it since it somehow adds to forgetting about the far more serious wound she has to worry about.

“I will make sure to provide the right beverage for the occasion.”

Hopefully not anymore nunvil. That stuff was nasty and although she would never tell Lance, his observation had been point on: feet and hot dog water.

“Number one will want to make sure you are alright, while number four and Lance will surely be engaging in some contest of sort.”

“Why does Lance get to be called by his name?”

It was a joke to distract herself, an attempt to draw out the moment as much as possible.

“Details. Details.” she could hear Coran say, the amusement palpable in his voice, so much so that she needn’t open her eyes to know.

There was a heavy silence settling over them. She took one deep breath after another.

“Do it.”

As with a Band-Aid she quickly ripped her hand away from her sticky side, hissing and twitching but as soon as she felt a fresh flow of warm blood dampening the cloth of her armor, she brought the device down.

She screamed as a fluid coated the margins of the wound, closing it, burning as it came into contact with her skin and instantly hardened while remaining elastic.

It was a detail her brain picked up upon but that she could spare any energy to waste any thought on.

It felt grueling and slow although she knew that she had done her best to get over with it as fast as possible, her parents and her brother at the forefront of her mind, their smiling faces all she allowed herself to focus on so that she did not give up midway.

Her friends who had to be scared to death.

And Coran, who never stopped talking to her through it all even if she could no longer follow whatever tangent he had gone off of.

It felt like forever, it had to be forever, when finally the wound was closed.

The pen fell out of Pidge’s slack fingers as she slid out of her accelerator chair, landing on the floor on her good side thankfully.

“Pidge. Pidge!”

She gave a high, keening noise, unable to form proper words but wanting to reassure Coran. She opened her eyes a slit. Everything was indistinct and far away but she was too drained to be worried about that circumstance.

Maybe she could stay here. She didn’t think she could force herself to get up again.

There was a rumble and creaking, a sound she had come to know like the hum of her laptop or the voice of her mother.

Stretching out her hand, she fondly caressed over the metal of her Lion as she got ready for take-off.

“Good girl.”, she whispered dazedly, the ghost of a smile on her lips.

Green’s purr was soothing but it was impossible to miss her fear and worry, no matter how hard she may try to hide it from Pidge.

But all Pidge felt was gratitude.

“Let’s go home.”

The moment she stepped out of the pod, she threw her arms around Coran and held on.

[avidbeader]

Still more of the Sheith soulmates AU

Still pondering title possibilities. Still writing a Voltron fanfic featuring Shiro and Keith as soulmates. Still T-rated. Still interested to hear feedback.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

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Keith drove south, keeping away from roads as much as possible. He had a destination in mind, if he could find it again after so many years.

About three hours later, he spotted what looked like a light in the distance. As he got closer, he realized that the light was the moon reflecting off of something. He approached more slowly, not wanting to run into anyone.

But as he topped a rise to find a large, flat valley, he saw a small house come into view. The remains of a fence circled it and a lone tree rose behind it. There were no vehicles around, no sign of any road or path leading away. He drove closer and noticed that one of the dark windows was missing a pane of glass. That was the clearest sign that this place was abandoned—given the amount of sand and grit blown about in the desert, that would have been fixed immediately.

Keith moved closer and saw what the moonlight had picked up. A metal addition, almost like a bunker, nestled up against the side of the house. The door was shut tight, whatever was inside still protected. He pulled the hoverbike up next to the bunker and dismounted.

The door had a simple keypad lock with four numbers more worn than the rest. He began going through the twenty-four possible permutations and got the combination right on the fifth try. He opened the door, fishing out a palm-sized flashlight and shining it around.

The enclosed room had a bed, a table, and a corner piled high with pallets of water bottles and stacks of canned goods. Keith pulled out his pocket tablet and checked his location through the GPS. He was about fifty miles west of his intended destination, an abandoned town that he and his father had come across while exploring the region on camping trips. The nearest inhabited town on the map was another sixty miles south and east.

This could work.

He brought in his own food supply and the duffle bag, leaving the money in the hoverbike’s hold for now. He investigated for any wildlife, but the metal walls had done their job and there were no potentially poisonous visitors. Checking inside the house proper, he found a main room with a kitchen setup in one corner and a door that led to a small bathroom. The main room was indeed covered in a thick layer of dust and sand, but the bathroom was mostly clean behind its closed door and functional once Keith opened the water supply from a well.

He washed up, getting the accumulated road grime off, and changed into fresh clothes. He returned to the bunker and stretched out on the bed.

As he waited for sleep, he followed the soul bond to Shiro, sending one more reinforcing message of love and support. Shiro responded, assuring him that he was safe for the moment, and then a wave of contentment that felt different…

Was that a purr? Since when did Shiro purr at him?

<> <> <> <> <>

Katie was sitting on her hands, hiding the fact that she had fingers crossed on both of them. She had been in a holding area of the campus security office for twenty minutes now, waiting as they summoned her mother. If they would only send her mom in first, she could whisper to her that she had proof that Dad and Matt and Shiro were alive. Then hopefully the force of nature that was Colleen Holt when she was furious would erupt.

She heard the outer door open and her mother’s voice rose over the rumble of Iverson. After a few minutes of heated arguing, footsteps sounded and the door in front of her opened.

“Kathryn—”

Katie launched herself before the full name could be drawn out and buried her face next to her mother’s neck as she embraced her. She whispered urgently, “They’re alive! I found proof! We have to get out of here!”

She felt her mother stiffen for a heartbeat then straighten and turn around. Iverson tried to loom over them, but Colleen Holt drew in breath and jabbed her finger into his chest.

“I hold you and the Garrison responsible for the deaths of my husband and son. You pushed for this mission. You chose Captain Shirogane as your best pilot. You are refusing to even consider assembling a rescue team for them. You won’t show us your evidence that it was Captain Shirogane’s mistake that killed them. Is it any wonder that Katie looked for answers when you refuse to give them to us?”

“Be that as it may, your daughter is now permanently banned from this installation for her security breach!”

Her mom grabbed her arm. “That will not be a problem as we are never coming near you again!” She dragged Katie out, her head held high.

One of Iverson’s aides ushered them to a hovercar and drove them back across the base to their quarters. “We have reservations for you at the main hotel in town, ma’am. I’ll wait here while you finish packing.”

Colleen nodded. “We won’t take more than a few minutes. We were pretty much packed for our flight anyway.”

Katie kept silent until they were in the hotel room, at which point her mother rounded on her. “What on God’s green earth were you thinking, Katie? Breaking into a government building? Hacking a computer with classified information?”

She reached down and dug the flash drive out from where it had wedged between her foot and her sneaker. She would have a hell of a blister for a few days…

“The night of the press conference, I was out in one of the courtyards and saw Iverson stop a cadet from barging in. The cadet swore that Shiro was alive, was certain of it. So I decided to investigate. I pulled video files off Iverson’s computer that show Shiro landed the ship safely. They were starting work on collecting Dad’s ice samples and just…disappeared.”

“How did a cadet know what happened?”

“Remember how Matt said Shiro had a soulmate?”

Colleen sank to sit on the bed, her mind floundering to make sense of it all. “Sam made arrangements with a doctor…”

“Do you remember the soulmate’s name?”

“No. I have to call the Shiroganes…I have to let them know. They might have his name. But how can we fight this?”

Katie drew a deep breath. “I have an idea about that.”

<> <> <> <> <>

Twenty-six days. It had been twenty-six days, going by the daily food drops, since Shiro had been returned to the cell in the original arena. There had been no fights, no glimpse of Matt or Ch’varr or the others. Shiro began exercising as best he could just to alleviate the boredom: pushups, sit-ups, squats, anything that kept him moving. After the second day of this, they started bringing in a fresh uniform every day. With fresh clothes and the water from the tiny faucet in the corner, he could keep himself relatively clean. At the moment the situation was almost tolerable; if he only knew that Matt and Sam were all right.

When Keith was awake, Shiro followed the bond, trying to sort out what the hell had happened. All he could get was that there had been an attempt to break their bond and Keith had run from the Garrison because of it. He was currently somewhere isolated, but somewhere that felt reasonably safe for now.

<> <> <> <> <>

Keith excavated the house in stages. He started by putting a temporary patch over the broken window and working to get the layers of sand and dirt out. As he cleaned, he made a full inventory of what was in the house and bunker, weeding out the unusable and rearranging what was salvageable to his preferences. He figured out how to reset the code for locking the bunker and brought the grant money inside. He made a list of necessities, counted out some cash, and set off early one morning.

He skipped the nearest small town, going another seventy miles to the next one. He started at the public library, filling out a visitors’ card with fake information so he could access their computers.

He had drafted the message so many times in his head on the drive but still needed almost the full hour to get it sent.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Shirogane,

This is Keith. I am so sorry for not getting in touch before now, but as you will read, things went downhill very quickly after Takashi and the team made it to Kerberos.

The Garrison lied to you. Takashi did not crash the ship. I could feel it when they made it there and landed successfully. I was with Dr. Hooper at the time and she recorded all the things that showed that he and I are still connected.

He is alive. I think he and the Holts were taken prisoner by an alien force. What I get from the link now suggests that they’re forcing him to fight for them—he often feels sick at the idea of having to kill.

I don’t have a way to contact Mrs. Holt. I’m pretty sure they survived as well, or at least Shiro thinks so. He worries about them a lot. Could you let her know for me? I don’t know when I might be able to write you again.

I’m not at the Garrison anymore. Iverson lied to me about what they were going to do about the situation, then put me off. And then he was part of an attempt to break the bond between Shiro and me. So I ran. I’m somewhere at the moment where I can take care of myself and stay hidden—I can’t risk the Garrison finding me in case they try to take the bond away again.

I will try to contact you if anything changes.

Keith

 <> <> <> <> <>

Haggar spent every spare moment for quintants watching Prisoner 117-9875 through a scrying spell. She had ordered total seclusion for now—she didn’t want to risk him dying in an arena fight but she didn’t want to bring him to anyone else’s attention yet by having him brought to her lab. She wanted to examine what she was dealing with first.

This alien was intriguing, to say the least. She had Ulaz’ report from the initial examination of a fairly typical bipedal race: average brains, hearts on the small side for their size, rather sturdy in muscle and bone structure. There was variation among them in size and coloring, comparing the records of this alien with the other two of his type.

She almost admired how this alien, when completely isolated, invented a discipline for himself. He would exercise his body several times a day. He took full advantage of the water supply in the cell both to drink and to try and keep himself clean. Haggar arranged for clean clothing to be delivered, curious to see how encouraging the discipline would affect this connection of his.

It was always there, this strange quintessence. After a few days of close study, Haggar was able to identify the structure: it was actually two different life forces, but they harmonized together in a way she had never seen before, allowing both to reside in this alien’s body without harm. This was unheard of in her long experience—it took magic to transfer quintessence from one body to another, to refine it into a form that could be transferred. And yet there was no sign of magic around this alien that she could find.

He would take several opportunities each quintant to simply lie on the cot, close his eyes, and slip into a meditative state. At these points, the beacon of quintessence between him and the other source usually strengthened in power and intensity. He would rise from these sessions with a jarring blend of contentment and stress. Whatever happened renewed him but also caused him worry.

Finally, on the twenty-seventh quintant, the overseer dared to come to her directly. “Mistress Haggar, we need the prisoner you requisitioned. He drew notice from the betting public at his last victory and the bookmakers are clamoring to know when he will appear again.”

Haggar’s eyes narrowed as she considered. The prisoner’s current situation was not giving her any new information. Perhaps it was time to replicate the environment where his quintessence had first shone so brightly.

“Very well. You may return him to his group.”

The overseer made a face. “That group is getting boring. They’ve managed to create a strong team since losing the Velkyn. They’re bringing down beasts with minimal injuries now.”

“Then perhaps we should bring them a new challenge. Have them fight one by one.”

“That would help, mistress, but that arena’s main draw is the beasts.”

“Perhaps we can change things a little, surprise the spectators with a well-known name. Have them take turns with Myzax.”

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Thank you to every single one of you who has liked/reblogged the story or messaged me. I really appreciate knowing that people are enjoying this.

Part 6

[indomitablemegnolia]

An Unsolicited confession from an unburied corpse

The horrible feeling, as if my heart is about to escape my chest; how horrid it is to need; my nerves so sensitive my pants rubbing on my leg, my hair moving around my ear, touching my neck.  I am scandalous, heinous in my skins churning disturbance.  I am not pedantic nor puritanical, though do rather like to build to a point, but this was like an alien had invaded my mind and by that had allowed my scintillating nature that I try to keep under lock and key out of her box.   Such a powerful need it is, a turmoil just watching a man eat a doughnut while smiling; Christ on a cracker, I was moved to the point of having to clench my thighs together. The dazzling tumescence of the breeze blowing at my back even tells me of a powerful need.  The distemper caused by this gruesome erotic phenomenon, I am in a foul temper, titillated to the point of pure agitation; I despise being out of control, flailing with need.

I step into the shower, intending to just wash off the grime of my day; the water fell in delicious ribbons down my skin; my mind felt the kisses on my neck and the fingertips tracing my curves.  My hands moved with a mind of their own, satisfying those calls of my nerve endings. My breath coming in short pants, broken noises captured by my throat; the feeling of every nerve acting up for just a touch, a wisp of a finger, the kiss of the warm water.  My heart hitting a rapid pace quickly, my beautiful imagination filling the feel of rougher fingertips, lips, whiskers, teeth; I saw that smile, that doughnut, damn I felt rather frantic, psychotic, a freaking doughnut; fingers found their way to a place that was screaming for attention. It seemed like a few rapid rubs and I was nearly catatonic with satiation; shivering on the floor of the shower, lost in another world.

Then Lonesome leaned in whispered… “Oh, that afterglow, feel that cold, empty feeling; get used to that feeling, it’s the only way you will feel this afterglow for the rest of your life; God for the week or so that might be… Notice the lack of arms holding you, that will never change.”  

I heard his cruel laugh. Tears sprang to my eyes, Fate and Lonesome their loathsome selves laughed at me through the frosted glass of the shower door.  They were right; THE BASTARD WAS RIGHT.  God, hate them, hot tears stream down my face, DAMN THEM. I sobbed quietly in the water stream until it sprays cold.  I was the unburied dead, it is true no one wants to touch a corpse that forgot to lie down.  I step out of the shower, wrapping my towel tightly.  I look in the mirror that should have been fogged up, it was freakishly clear; I drop my towel looking in the glass, I cringed… at first.  No, it wasn’t the sight that is on the sports illustrated swimsuit issue, but it wasn’t a nightmare… well maybe it was but I have seen worse.  I saw the scars, looking like odd lightning strikes on my overly pale; pale, hell, white would look at me and tell me I needed some sun.  I see the veins that trace under my skin intercepting those red welted scars, then odd coloured nearly healed old scars layered under some of the fresh ones. It isn’t like my one and only conquest in this world was ever big on cuddling afterward. Though from here out, I am not going to chide myself for luxuriating in my coffee; I am going to enjoy the early summer breezes; I will feast my eye on beautiful things, perhaps staring for too long at some images; I am going to wallow in movies and music and possibly mayhem and delicious words that feel soft on the skin; I will be my happiness… I pull my shirt over my head and dress quickly, I have tons of research to do, and yes, I am going to stay away from the self-help videos. Really, if I am going to be my only lover for the rest of this “life,” I better get really freaking good at it, I deserve something that feels good... no.., great!  HELL, I am going to be the queen of self-service.

sorry for this

@writernotwaiting @peonies-and-poppies @pedeka

[ecotone99]

[RF] Day Off

​

Thursday morning. I got ready for plans I knew my friend would cancel on. He wasn’t feeling up to it he eventually said after talking about bills that had just come out. ‘That’s grand, no worries’, I said half meaning it. He would often cancel closely held plans at the last minute, and I knew why but he never spoke about it unless he had 2 or 3 pints in him. Even then, they were soundbites.

I sat on the edge of my bed with one sock on, yesterday’s contents of my bag strewn across the duvet. But I felt defiant. Emboldened. I finished getting dressed, threw a few things into my bag and left the house. I was in a mood that was alien to me. I had only felt it a handful of times in college and never knew what to do with it. A kind of hollowness radiated from my chest, but I had new eyes and I didn’t care what happened anymore. I was going to have a date with myself in the city because I can, because I never could. I figured I would have a lot of days on my own in the city when I moved to New York in the summer, so this would be good practice. Dublin is more a town than a city anyway; a friendly introduction to cities.

Rain was lightly spitting, just enough to force your eyes to squint and blink a lot the way broken sunlight through sparse trees on a motorway would. I walked through my tiny town that was only recently a village. But for a handful of people going from one bookie to another, and some parked cars, the town was dead. I ended up in the new housing estate for rich people that was probably 15 years old, and took the walk it had down along the Liffey. I had decided I was going to meditate by the river. I walked along its bank for about 5 minutes searching for the best place to be and not be. I found a felled tree and put my bag on it and found myself quite comfortable. I scanned from the top of my head to my toes. My back ached. I opened my eyes after about 10 minutes and there was no red in the world. The river, the bank, the field, the sky, all hues of yellow, green, blue. Then my eyes adjusted and red crept back in. A little bird on the opposite side of the river was washing itself in the water and having a great time. So was I. I thanked it, gave a half-smile-nod to the river and collected my bag and left.

2 minutes down the river, I took out my joint and smoked half and checked the buses. I missed it. Next one was 30 minutes away. Fine, no rush. Why rush? I put on my headphones and heard the muffled rain get thicker. I felt the half joint start to hit pretty hard when I put a podcast on and my phone died. ‘Oh, well. Wait, no. I’m going into the city. I need my phone. Maybe it would be nice to be without it? I’m definitely going to get mugged and not be able to call home. What’s the time?’ I felt no grounding in time. The conversation in my head took about 10 minutes but I had only walked a few metres. My heart began thumping. ‘Fuck if I’m getting a whitener off half a joint. Fucking Chinese weed. The bus is half an hour a way, and the journey then is an hour. That’s grand. I’ll be grand by then. And I’ve been in town many times on my own for college. But fuck talking to a bus driver. What if I puke my ring up on him? Should I just go home? I can’t see my mam like this. Just walk and breathe.’ So I did, feeling more and more like someone you’d tell your kids not to talk to by the second. I was sure either my heart would break my ribs or I’d pass out before it could. Then I got on the main road. Cars. Dog-walkers. Civilisation. I can breathe again. At least if I pass out here someone will notice. The walk was entirely automatic from there which was good for feeling a bit more normal and safe but also bad because it got me back in my head again. I stood alone at a traffic light and pressed the button. No cars anywhere. No Green Man. Just rain scattering by a glowing Red Man, carrying his glow a little further than he could alone. People entered and exited the Tesco opposite. They must think I’m strange: no traffic, so why just stand there? I could feel their eyes on me, their eyes that were clearly nowhere near to looking at me. I crossed the road when the rain’s trail went from red to green and, as if as soon, the rain dried up and roaring hot sun belted down. April’s weird. The light blue with white clouds above me was besieged on all sides by angry, dark blue-grey clouds and no bees.

At last, I could see the bus stop. I made it, and with 4 minutes to spare. Success. Then it came and I hopped on after an entirely normal interaction with the bus driver that I didn’t even need to replay in my head. I sat upstairs in the front two seats on the left. It was far too hot but I made it and there was a plug socket by my seat so I charged my phone. Just like the blue sky that opened up amongst the dark clouds, I could feel my whitener anxiety leaving me. I put my ‘Pure Class Tunes’ playlist on and watched the sunny journey in my new stoney glow.

*

Being in the city for any length of time always gives me dry lips and a headache. It always feels like there’s grime or dust on my face. I can feel it in my nose. The Japanese tourists got it right wearing those medical masks about the city. They wear them if they have a cold or a flu or some kind of ailment so as not to pass it on. Something the West wouldn’t think to do. It’s different in the Far East, their society evolved differently. They’re much more communal, a mind for each other. Still though, I like to think they wear the masks because of the pollution, as if it vindicates me, nodding knowingly in my mind to any Japanese people I walk by wearing one.

I always wash my hands and face as soon as I get home. Wash cloth, roasting hot water, exfoliating passion fruit face wash. The city always forces its way into my home so I have to scrub it away. My face would be flush red afterwards but I could breathe again. Then into comfy clothes and on with the kettle for a cup of tea.

It was the bus in particular that felt the dirtiest. When you’re on a Bus Éireann in the early evening, when the sun goes kind of golden, when it gets lazy before it sets, the light shines through the manky greyed out windows, tiger-striped by god-knows-what, at an angle that reveals all the tiny particles of dust flying around that you don’t normally see. If you smack the chair in front of you, there’s this little mushroom cloud of dust that follows your hand up from the recoil of the impact and joins the attacking barrage of dust. It’s hard to breathe after you see that. Little sips through the gaps between your fingers, not big bellyfulls. Fresh air is a privilege, not a right, in the city. That’s why I always feel the dirt in my nose.

I run the tap as hot as it goes, filling the room with steam, to try and detox my lungs from the fallout. Deep breaths. In-two-three-four; Out-two-three-four; In-two-three-four; Out-two-three-four. I like to imagine the hot steam purging my trachea and bronchioles like rinsing a soapy J-cloth; the more you ring it, the more suds wash out, the clearer the water gets. It was almost uncomfortably hot, like when the boiling hot air hits the back of your throat in a sauna, but it would always do the job. I looked forward to that routine, as countryside became city outside my manky greyed out bus window.

*

I got off at Ha’penny and it was raining again. I didn’t mind because my pre-whitener mood had returned and I felt unstoppable. Just me alone in the city. I could do whatever I wanted. The Jehovas outside the GPO looked like a good place for a chat, but I didn’t. The vignette that being stoned places over your peripheral sight only allowed a few people in at a time. I heard the scream of Luas wheels and languages I couldn’t place. I could’ve been anywhere in the world and I could only have been on O’Connell Street.

I went to book shops and lost all track of time in the 2nd hand sections. How many people’s lives were here? How many generations? How many sold as a last resort, how many yellowed and dog-eared had once been someone’s bestfriend and where are they now? Book shops are other worlds entirely. The outside world tried to get in with bestsellers and 2-for-1s but it remained somewhere I could really breathe. Everyone seemed to know it, too. The college students that I no longer was, the first years looking blankly at the Philosophy section as if expecting the right book to reveal itself to them. Sartre, de Beauvoir, Deleuze. Towering names that would become poorly attended morning lectures. The hollowness in my chest made sure I knew it was still there. I bought 6 books, 4 by Irish writers, 4 by female writers. I felt good about that. The rain had stopped.

*

I wanted to get a coffee or some lunch but all I could see were international chains. Starbucks, Insomnia, Costa. You could imagine kids on playgrounds trading cards with those names. I thought about these chains and prison chains. That’s profound. I congratulated myself. Walking up Dawson Street, passed busy, well-dressed people, I studied the buildings. Centuries old. Entirely out of place against the backdrop of hybrid cars, suits on bluetooth phone calls and the Luas. Dublin is an afterthought. If I looked hard enough at the Victorian and Georgian buildings, I could see cobble streets, heavy coats, peak caps, black smoke, workhouses, laundries. A steampunk film set establishing itself around me. Architecture is the most overlooked art, I thought. I congratulated myself again. In the end, I got a bottle of water and a Nutri Grain bar in the Londis on Grafton Street; it’s a chain but at least it’s an Irish one. I couldn’t find any small or family-owned businesses in that part of the city, rent’s too high. It was cold now.

I wandered into Stephen’s Green and sat on a bench by the ducks and seagulls and pigeons. They were all flocked around an older woman dropping breadcrumbs out of one of those thin opaque plastic bags you get your croissant or a couple loose lemons in. The last time I sat watching the birdlife in the Green like this I saw a great big heron overlooking the pond. I was still in college then. I couldn’t see the bird now.

I dug through my bag and found the small conical tube I stored the remaining half of my joint in, and smoked it while walking around the park, making sure not to light it until I was beyond a small group of kids. A tour guide spoke to a gathering of Spanish students in heavy read coats about this particular area of the park. I couldn’t see what she was talking about so I waited around til the group moved on. The Three Fates. I had never seen it before. Three faded-bronze-green figures, one in front of the other, the first kneeling, all with their hands held in some Christ-like position. It was a gift from the Germans after World War 2 for all we did for refugees after the war. The figures looked ancient and Celtic, like the Germans were acknowledging a shared history; family looks after family. Then I thought about the internet and direct provision and your uncle who spits bile about refugees in the comments of an article he hasn’t read and then calls the Famine a genocide. And then I remembered I’ll be leaving for New York in the summer, like millions of Irish before me and how, at one stage, Manhattan was one third Irish. And then I put my roach in the bin.

*

It started raining again, but this time it meant it. Everyone lifted their jackets over the heads and put on hats and opened umbrellas and run-walked towards trees and gazebos. The rain drops on the mud and tarmac smelled like scrapes on your hands and knees in playgrounds. I played ‘Rain’ by the Beatles in my headphones and walked the labyrinthine paths, taking no care over whether I turned right or left or carried straight on. I could feel my steps landing on the steps of Victorians and Georgians long ago. I saw a bench with a golden inscription on it so I stood by the mossy saxifrage, and under the tree, opposite it to see what it read.

​

IN MEMORY OF LOUIE BENNETT, 1870-1956, BUILDER OF THE IRISH WOMEN WORKERS’ UNION, WORKER FOR SOCIAL JUSTICE, WORLD PEACE AND THE UNITY OF IRELAND, HER SYMPATHY AND LOVE FOR HUMANITY KNEW NO BOUNDARIES

​

Of all the people I could have had lunch with on this day, I was glad it was her. I stood with her for a long time, staring at her bench, thinking of the internet, pulling off small lumps of Nutri Grain and eating them. After a while, after I had become present again, the rain tried to ease off, so I walked back to the pond to feed the ducks with the end of the bar.

*

On the bus home, my inevitable dry lips and headache came on in full force. I tucked my knees into my chest and thought about the summer, being in New York, leaving home, friends, family, memories, childhood. The football pitches opposite our house was being developed into a new housing estate. Just like that, a new future was made. A new past. All the houses looked the same; fresh red bricks, newly muddied pavement, almost-grass lawns. I hated that the children of those homes would never know the forest adventures down the lane that was now to be someone’s back garden. They’d never know skipping school on hot days in May, when everyone was allowed to take their jumpers off and undo one or two shirt buttons, when you should have been studying for your Junior Cert., to lie in those pitches as the only people in the world and talk about boys and girls and flick bottles caps at each other and play World Cup Doubles. What would their stories be? Where would they take place? We’re running out of fields! Why does progress always look like a clean-up crew at a bomb site? When I got home, I opened my suitcase and didn’t know what to pack.

​

​

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[remember-my-name-16]

This particular month’s version of the mostly samey questions I like to re-answer every now and then because perspectives change or whatever.

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most? Sad Dream - Sky Ferreira Right Where It Belongs - NiN We Should Be Together - Pia Mia Keep Running - Tei Shi Where Is My Mind - Pixies Realiti - Grimes

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Someone willing to give a stranger in need lots of money.

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. I’m too depressed to move, that’s why I’m even doing this question thing again. All my books are on my bathroom shelf. Fuck.

4: What do you think about most? The unceasing dissatisfaction I have myself, I don’t know. With happy thoughts though: it’d have to be Joe. If he wasn’t here I wouldn’t be either.

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? “Upstairs toilets Hun xx”

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on? Depends how warm it is and what company I have.

7: What’s your strangest talent? Honestly couldn’t tell you. I’m pretty strange but not talented.

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence) Girls love their daddies; Boys have healthy relationships with their parents

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you? No, but for my birthday this year a girl I was seeing gave me a framed poem by E.E. Cummings

It was adorable. She was adorable. Fuck.

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar? Yesterday, it was a nice day. A good send off.

11: Do you have any strange phobias? Commitment

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? Not to my knowledge. But that could just be the brown crayola sticking in my frontal lobe talking.

13: What’s your religion? Orthodoxy for those sweet stability events, local unrest and missionairy strength bonuses yea my EU4 bois know what I’m talkin’ about.

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? Sitting down and taking in whatever scenery there is, enjoying a warm or cold breeze and breathing relatively fresh air. Bonus points if I have a glass of old mout on the rocks.

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Depends how vain I’m feeling at the time.

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? The Birthday Massacre, I don’t listen to them all that much but fuck me I love their aesthetic and atmosphere SO FUCKING MUCH.

17: What was the last lie you told? “I’ll pay you back with two drinks hun xx”

18: Do you believe in karma? I believe that shit people will be seen for what they are because eventually everyone’s actions catch up with them.

19: What does your URL mean? It’s a reference to Breaking Bad, one of my favourite TV shows, and used that play on that theme of the show to reference my will to be well, remembered.

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

Most likely the same thing: I think too much.

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

Maisie Williams, this world doesn’t deserve such a cutie

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

Nah

23: How do you vent your anger?

idk I go out and drink with ppl or something

or I don’t vent at all and bottle it up and break down after a year or something

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

I have kept some stuff that has emotional significance to me. Mostly from ended friendships and relationships. Things they gave me, or things I owned at the time and reminds me of the way I felt at the time, and how they felt about me. It’s a sobering thing to keep around.

I recently had a pretty bad few days because I lost something like that, I lost a necklace that a girl I was seeing this year left at my place so she had an excuse to come back to my place the next time she was around, when I ended things because I wasn’t ready to commit to a relationship with her, I knew she would get more attached, and she was too sweet for me to hurt. Although I probably did anyway, I kept the necklace and wore it almost all the time to remind myself of what I did and why I should always be sure about what I want before I get someone else who’d care about me invested.

Drunk me lost that necklace, hopefully it’ll come around, but knowing me. Yeeeaaahh I doubt it.

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

If it’s with my girlfriend, video chatting. But other than that the phone is much less stress.

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

Yes and no. It’s hard to explain how I feel about myself, but I feel experienced and weathered. I like my sense of humour, I like my level of emotional maturity for the most part, I’m certainly better than most. But I’m not really doing anything with my life, and I’m in a very bad place. I’d go into more detail honestly, but it’d be like trying to untie a ball of wrapped cables.

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

The sound of a fork scratching a plate, seagulls yelling. And I love the elegant and refreshing sound of a drink being poured onto ice and fizzling up against the glass. Failing that a girl getting fucked moaning.

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

What if I got good grades in school, and passed my A-Levels?

or

What if I managed to keep the people I loved when I wanted them?

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

Ghosts no Aliens sure

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first?  Do the same with your left arm.

An empty bottle of cider I drank with my pizza just hours ago. It kinda sucked, but I needed something to wash down the pizza.

The pizza box.

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

My aftershave, I put it on before I left to go out with Adam an hour or so ago.

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

A half destroyed doctors office in Spain.

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

East Coast, Californians are cunts.

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

Taylor Momsen xo

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

Europa tbh

36: Define Art.

Europa tbh

37: Do you believe in luck?

Worst mechanic please remove from the fucking game why does god france with Elan get to have an extra +25% Manpower recovery speed are you fucking kidding me like fuck off I work for hours to build up a fair fighting chance to beat these big blue wankers and I lose a war I absolutely should’ve won because BEH FRANCE LUCKY BEH fuck off cunt no I don’t believe in luck

 38: What’s the weather like right now?

Nice ‘n’ Warm

39: What time is it?

3:55 AM

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

Nah

41: What was the last book you read?

Fight Club

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Yeah it’s nice

43: Do you have any nicknames?

God Hands

44: What was the last film you saw?

...Fight Club

Look, it’s a good story fuck yourself

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

Almost lost my hand to a stray van door being shut on my wrist with pretty extreme force.

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

I’d be too worried for it’s safety tbh

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

Caramel Ices Frappes and Tequila.

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

I’m part of the Bisexual master race, yes.

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?#

Prolly

50: Do you believe in magic?

Magic must fucking exist because I don’t understand how Spain can defeat my clearly superior naval fleet outmanning them with at least 56 galleys in an inland sea. Must have a fetishist cultist cursing my ships or some shit like gtfo cunt.

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Only if they’re a megacunt.

52: What is your astrological sign?

Pisces

53: Do you save money or spend it?

T R E A T    Y O   S E L F

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

Caramel Iced Frappe

55: Love or lust?

If you don’t have both yous a beech

56: In a relationship?

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha kill me

57: How many relationships have you had?

3 that count for something

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

Ye

59: Where were you yesterday?

DRIVIN’ WITH THE BOIS

it was really nice I haven’t had a day like that since I was 17

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

My sheets have flowers on them

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

Mhmm

62: What’s your favourite animal?

H U S K I E S

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

Revealing my inner demons and hoping they aren’t turned off by that.

64: Where is your best friend?

Sleeping next to his wife-tier girlfriend. kill me

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

They’d all be porn blogs.

66: What is your heritage?

English with a tad Spanish.

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

Waiting for my fucking job to pay me so I could order something at the bar.

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

OSMANOGLU

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

WORST MOST BORING OVERUSED QUESTION EVER FUCK ME

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

Sure

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

If it’s a chihuahua I’m going to work lmao

72: How are you in the bedroom?

Only going from what I’ve been told I’d say I’d rate me at like an average of a 7.5/10 fuck

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

P A R A D O X I C A L    Q U E S T I O N    T B H

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Black Betty

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

I actually don’t know but I cba to check

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

Good Tea, Good Talk, Good Sex.

77: How can I win your heart?

Give me attention, a reason to go outside and blow me.

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

“Is water wet?”

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

Dating Hannah, mostly because I realised I was good at sex, met Joe and went into a personality changing depression that made me a jaded cunt that barely takes life seriously.

Also as uncomfortable as I feel saying it now she was so lovely when we were actually infatuated with eachother so I experience the idealised “love” they show you in movies before I left my teens.

Mostly Joe though, best person I know.

80: What size shoes do you wear?

9′s I think?????

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

”The last person who blew me gets all my stuff”

82: What is your favourite word?

Cance

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

Something I desire quite a lot.

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

Kill me

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

See Me - Tei Shi

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

Whatever colour cuck blood bleeds

87: What is your current desktop picture?

It’s been like this since I broke up with Natalie. It’s weird that I remember that specifically but yaknow

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

Holy shit. So many choices.

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

I don’t think I have one, there’s no point in hiding the truth when it always comes out in the end, even if it’s tough to stomach facing. That and I don’t really have any loose ends.

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Jerk off and see how they react.

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

The ability to heal anyone I touch, with the added bonus of being able to control it.

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

That one time Heather was fucking me so good and trying to make me cum so badly that she almost passed out from loss of breathe and I told her she should stop just in case she was in danger and she wouldn’t for like five minutes but eventually couldn’t take it anymore and I made her stop.

Seriously, ignoring the fact that she was actually the nicest sweetest little thing, and the perfect girlfriend, I will forever hate myself for even slightly hurting that girl, she had the iron will of a sex goddess.

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Freddos going up in prices AGAIN

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Sky Ferreira or Pia Mia

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

The Sun

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

a guy in my dad’s side of the family got a life sentence for butchering his wife

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

I could have gone my whole life without being reminded of how bad I felt the one time that happened thx whoever wrote all of these questions

98: Ever been on a plane?

I’m a lower middle class western white guy...

of course

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?