#just want to get stuff ready and things :)

[captain-flint]

x

[ocean-breeze-pier]

Trans guy talks about the issues with male hatred

It’s EXTREMELY frustrating the way that specifically cis women treat me as a trans guy. We are often acceptable targets for hatred against men because we don’t have the ability to oppress like a typical white cishet man (especially if you’re like me and don’t pass) so they can get away with it.

The more I think about why it’s so frustrating that the second a cis woman finds out I’m a man (after already misgendering me because I don’t pass), I get vilified and hit with sentiments that shitty men are hit with regardless of if it’s true or not.

It bothers me because a huge reason I didn’t come to terms with being a trans guy for awhile was because of my own feelings towards men. I’m a survivor of abuse from (mostly but not limited to) cishet men and I was so traumatized from those experiences that one of my initial trauma responses was a really intense hatred of men.

I didn’t know how to process what was done with me. Not only that, but I was in a vulnerable place with no support system and super lonely. I discovered this community online that made me feel less alone (radfems). They would validate my feelings about men which felt good at the time but in the long run, wasn’t healthy. I started to be even more fearful because of the lens I saw the world through. I was even more scared to be around men and struggled to interact with them.

At the time, I identified as nonbinary. If you know anything about radfems, they’re more often than not transphobic. So as a byproduct I did end up seeing that stuff from time to time despite my focus on during my time as a radfem being stuff concerning cishet men specifically. During this same time period it is no coincidence that I suppressed my gender feelings even more, presenting feminine despite it feeling hollow. I wanted to fit in. I felt like this is what I had to do. I felt like since men are evil (radfem rhetoric, not what I believe now), I cannot associate with masculinity. That if I relate to men in any way I’m a traitor and it’s an insult to me as a woman (bc ofc they saw me as a woman).

These circles are insanely predatory. It’s one big echo chamber. Even though at the time I was involved in that community, I still identified as nonbinary. That never stopped. But I was so self hating that I would let them all misgender me and refer to me with an emphasis on my agab. I tried to be lowkey about my identity. I knew if they found out, I would be ostracized as I had seen them do to others. They were either super pitiful towards trans men or they were very hostile towards them, viewing them as gender traitors who were just trying to escape oppression. Plus I was so ashamed of who I was and desperate to fit into a community where my trauma towards men was validated. This is why when radfems interact with me now in the present day, I am so over it. Like I was already fell for this shit once. I’m not going to again. Fuck yall from the bottom of my heart.

This combined with how my abusive exes would treat me led to me hardcore repressing my gender. The abuse I experienced was not solely about my gender, but it played a huge factor. These men would invalidate me so much that to this day, my internalized transphobia is horrific. They really tried to push me to be more feminine and would refer to me in invalidating terms. Telling me I would always be a woman and just needed to accept it. The constant misgendering. It really mirrored that of how the radfems treated me. Like who I was came down my genitals. Like I didn’t have a say in who I was. That they could tell me who I was.

So when I see cis women hit me with the same types of shit that radfems would say about men it takes me back. The fact I get treated similarly to the way abusive men get treated except simply on the basis of being a trans guy… I think it’s fucking capital W Whack.

I haven’t ever opened up about this on here because I’m ashamed of that time in my life. But I want any trans radfems to know it’s possible to get out of that. You can find community elsewhere. To them, you’re just a pawn in an argument. They will never see you for who you are.

And to the man hating radfems. I really do understand. Men have done fucking horrible things to me. But when I used to be stuck in that mindset, I was fucking miserable. Yes, sexism is a HUGE problem. But treating every single man like a threat is not going to solve anything, and by extension you’re vilifying marginalized men.

You can talk about sexism without acting like every single man is evil. The association between evil and masculinity prevents trans men from realizing who they are (which I’m sure you’re glad about) but it also sucks in general because if you hate how shitty men are, don’t you want a version of masculinity that’s not toxic? If you think men and evil are inherently linked, then what? No one can get better. I don’t want to live in a world where the only option is femininity like I used to believe. Femininity ≠ good and Masculinity ≠ bad

When you’ve experienced such toxicity, it takes awhile to untangle yourself from those harmful ways of thinking. For some people, all this shit is just discourse. For me, it shaped my life in ways I’m still suffering the effects of.

TLDR: Hatred of men + trauma played into me not accepting that I’m a trans guy

[chirpsythismorning]

Yeah a teaser dropping on ST day would be cool. But can we agree that a DNA board reveal would be infinitely better?

[quietlyblooms-gone]

alright, friends, it's time for a lil heart-to-heart.

for quite a while now, i've struggled with feeling like the rpc is an actual community. there's a few things that contribute to this feeling, but it mostly comes down to a lack of interaction and visible interest. sometimes i feel very one-sided in my interest and attachment to my mutuals bc when i see their ooc posts or headcanons, i like them or comment, yet this isn't reciprocated by everyone. i can usually guess who i'm about to see in my notifications, and to be absolutely clear, i'm very grateful for those people!! it's a handful or two of you, but it could be just one and i'd be grateful. it's not about numbers whatsoever but rather growing uncomfortable that not all of my mutuals are all that interested in my character or me.

i write on here to share the excitement of creating with other people. i write on here to create together, too, but i'm also here to share characters and ideas and lore with people i know are happy to hear me ramble. i'm just getting to the point in which i'm questioning how many of you are actually happy to listen, and that's just not a good feeling at all. i'm not a mind reader, y'all. if you don't tell or show me that you care about the things i talk about or even about interacting, there's no way for me to know. eventually, i'm going to question why you're following me if i never see or hear from you, and eventually, i'm going to softblock and move on. that's the only way forward i see right now because i just do not feel comfortable on my own blog. i feel like i'm retreating into this quiet bubble to avoid discomfort, and it really sucks. it's killing my muse.

i'm not perfect. none of us are, and we can't be online at all times to catch every little post. but if we're a community, then we should be supporting each other when we can and liking headcanons, liking/commenting on those lil ooc posts that remind us our writing partners are humans with lives outside this site, reblogging their promo posts, sending in that meme they've reblogged even if we're nervous to reach out first -- if we're a roleplaying community, then we need to act like it. " community " implies connection, and a connection doesn't really begin when you follow each other. it begins when you reach out, even if it's in some small way.

tldr: i think we can all do better to support our mutuals and to connect, and i'm going to softblock people rather than continue to feel unsure where i stand with my mutuals. i won't start until sometime next week, and i won't make one of those " like this to remain mutuals " posts. they're not helpful to me, if i'm honest. if you're worried, just reach out. i'm literally a 4'9'' gremlin who sleeps with a m.unchlax plushie -- i promise i'm not scary despite this post uvu

[uberoll-oystercrackers]

drawing request possibilities: Summer Outfit Lars

i just have to ask you, does your neck hurt?

from carrying around the world's most wrinkled, gargantuan brain?!?

& the uncolored sketch, if ya like!

why does my readmore keep breaking what the hell tumblr can i please just be tidy. for once in my life.

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s7 episode 1 "the sixth extinction" thoughts

it’s been 800 years… 

not really, but it has been, like, a week since i last watched an episode!!! and what a last episode it was!! while i’m not super invested in the aliens are god sort of thing going on, i do want to know how my friend scully can save mulder from this sticky situation, avenge skinner, AND defeat the evil combination of CSM and diana. with the power of science.

i anticipate a lot of hefty musing on the role of man in the universe superimposed over 90’s graphics of the earth. while i could spend time making other predictions, i want to jump in!!

(post-episode thoughts: save me, scully in a vest and glasses. save me, doctor indiana jones, translating ancient languages in your tent by lantern light. use that machete to fight for justice and honor.

ah, this was a good one. very centered on scully and skinner, which is a great treat for me, because we don't often get enough time to focus in on them and their internal torment.

but i want some answers. as much as i would like to dwell here and make guesses, i also want this arc to be over so i can know wtf is going on, and how they will all get through this!!! excellent skinner angst to dive into, though. blaming himself... and all of this happening after he said he wasn't doing enough... yeah)

but back to yesterday! when i had not watched this episode before! take it away, past me!

(previously on the x files….) 

i love a little recap. look at mulder back when he was well! how things have changed. 

AH. we revisit scully checking him for a fever. “what is it, mulder?” <-oh, yeah. this is catnip to a freak like me.

“he said i was the only one who’d believe him” “you’re a liar” YAAAAAAS!! we need to give scully another thorough round of yas-ing for that. for standing up to diana's bullshit dig that she is the only one who could ever understand him. and the heel turn and storm away. OOOH! good stuff. 

we begin with today's episode now. poor scully is in a business suit, finding a giant alien cathedral thingy on a beach in west africa… she couldn’t even show up in a sundress… it was simply too serious.

that, or she doesn’t own any, which is a terrible thought. oh! i must picture her in a nice sundress now at once to remedy such an idea

YEAH, MONOLOGUE MY QUEEN!!! “i’ve stayed on now, in spite of myself. in spite of everything i’ve ever held to be true” she hasn’t gone home yet!! that is wild!!! because she loves to be at home!! but even more than she loves home, she must find the answers!!!

OH…. her ponytail and glasses combo…… forgive me, for i am blushing. look at her!!! investigating!!!! in a nice tent!!!

SHE’S TALKING TO MULDER??? “i will confine here as long as i can, as long as you are beset by the haunting illness i saw destroy your beautiful mind” <- OH MY GOD….. “beautiful”. i’m gonna… i need to lay down. beautiful mind…… she thinks his is a beautiful mind… 

FUCK ME.

she says she feels it was not meant for her to find, but for him to make the connections. “connections, which, for me, deny all logic and reason”

so the rubbing comes from the craft (and it is a spacecraft, btw, not an alien cathedral like i thought, that is on the beach)…. and it somehow took him over. and also, it draws a moth to it. scully does not want to deal with moths hurting themselves at this time, so she turns off the lamp. 

ah! but she sees a guy! behind her! and he’s not actually there when she turns around. 

moths freak me out so bad. i would not want to film this.

SHE GRABS A MACHETE OMFG… she is NOT MESSING AROUND………. 

GAG!!! the moths are COVERING THE RUBBING LIKE AN INCH DEEP BLEUGHHHHHGGGGGGG NASTY NASTY. wait- they’re not moths!!! are they locusts?! of biblical nature???

what does mulder have in common with these bugs that makes them both go crazy from looking at the rubbing??

scully has a fucking machete and she’s ready to use it. trust that fact. but she doesn’t see anyone out by the sea. 

BLEUGH! when she returns to the tent, it is being SWARMED BY MORE BUGS!!! all over the place!!! burn the whole thing down. 

NO, LEAVE HER ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOO, NOT ANOTHER BUG ATTACK!!!! not after darkness falls!!!!!!! and not without mulder here for her to scream at!!!!!

i guess we were due for another bug infestation at some point. it has been 6 seasons since that one. but eugh. so.... visceral.

intro time…….. paranormal activity. government denies knowledge. baby agents with guns. the truth is out there. you know the drill!

OH! back to poor mulder. who has been quiet for 36 hours… despite this, his brain won’t let him sleep, because his temporal lobe is going sicko mode. skinner watches him on the camera- can he be trusted at this time. the doctors can only test him for short periods of time. but…. the doctor says his brain is just going to die. 

skinner looks at the doctor with great concern.

poor sopping wet cat of a man in his sad little hospital gown… skinner is coming to see him. mulder doesn't respond to his name. OH! he’s trying to explain that he is skinner! :( oh........ skinner. he may be working for krycek, but it's not on purpose, and he wants mulder to get better. i feel guilty for briefly doubting him.

i’m taken aback a moment here at the fact that this very serious scene is being played out because his brain was rotted by alien letters. which makes the whole thing seem silly if you analyze it too hard. so we won’t. just know the camp is never lost on me. 

oh, fuck!!!! skinner turns to ask if he can get mulder some fresh air- another pang passes over my heart- and he lunges at him!!! he’s pinning skinner up against the wall and then choking him against the ground!!!! skinner says he doesn’t want to hurt him…. two guys have to pry him off…….. and mulder starts screaming!!! while skinner walks out, wiping the blood from his nose!!!!

he must somehow know about krycek… even if he can’t use his words to explain why or how…

skinner wipes the blood from his glasses, and finds a note slipped into his pocket, written in blood: “HELP ME”

oh!!! so he can communicate somehow!!!!! and the attacking was a strategic cover for note passing rather than an unleashing of rage for the krycek thing!!! what is going on!?!!!

back to west africa. some guys in trucks roll up, one of whom points out scully’s seemingly empty tent. a woman steps out. and she runs into scully! poor scully with wet hair looks incredibly cranky!!! but i am happy she survived the locust swarm somehow.

who is this new character?? her name is amina ngebe, and she is here to see her discovery. scully is like, that was supposed to be secret! but it is a well-known secret, says amina. merkmallen called it the “african internet” <- lmao

she is a bio professor! but she says she isn’t qualified to figure out wtf went down here. fair enough. not sure if anyone is.

scully explains that she was working by lamplight, “and, uh, i saw a man who vanished, and then they just swarmed”

which sounds surprising coming from her. but she says it so matter of factly. yeah. sometimes you see guys that vanish, i guess.

amina says okay... just... don’t tell anyone that happened. the others will think this is a bad omen of what you’ve found. from god. 

yeah. i can't say i blame them.

oh shoot, the men are digging outside, but someone is screaming for help!! saying the water is boiling him! scully and amina run out to help.

i hope nothing bad happens to amina. i want to see these two science out.

oh…. he really is covered in very horrible burns. but it seems no one else who was in the water with him is??? why are only some people being bothered by this whole ship thingy…..

back in the states, skinner is lurking about, sneaking into mulder’s room!!!! he is asleep in bed, held in all sorts of restraints. skinner approaches…. cautiously…. and tries to talk to him

“i want to help you”, skinner says. mulder’s mouthing something, tapping something… skinner asks if he can write and he nods… i find myself at the edge of my seat!!!

OH SHIT!!! he writes right into skinner’s hand. “k r” <- OH. he knows.

back to west africa. scully says she feels mulder slipping away as she fails him!!!! no!!!! omg!!! she feels that she doesn’t understand…. she feels that the inability to cure him is her failure... omg... it hurts...

she lays awake as amina sleeps on the cot nearby. but a vehicle approaches. scully gets up to investigate, machete in hand!!! do not fuck with her!!!! god, she’s so pretty. is it krycek in the jeep? no. it is not. 

she doesn’t know what this guy is saying. FUCK!!!! BARNES IS HERE!!!!! girl. kill him.

amina wakes up, thankfully, asking who barnes killed, and scully says it was merkmallen. but barnes denies it. uh... yeah. i'm not buying it. we all saw that head in the trash.

barnes says he knows the craft is alien- “you don’t even believe in that” “nor do you. but here we are” <- oh, he gagged her a little bit. scully says she is ONLY here to help her partner, and he claims he can help, since can read the writing. i suppose it is time for a dubious alliance.

scully, if you held a machete at me like that, i would never complain again. 

yeah yeah yeah, this thing is the key to life itself, he says... idgaf. barnes, i don’t trust you. 

oh. the sea is turning to blood. that isn’t good either. and scully sees that man again!! off in the distance!!!

why the fuck does she look so good… i’m gonna gnaw my arm off. 

:( she’s worried. she might be seeing things. she blames herself for not finding a cure for mulder yet. she doesn’t know what to believe. she has to trust a killer. she even got attacked by bugs in a tent. my poor sweet scully.

back in DC, it is 5 am. we are at a place called “g street”. oh! mulder did not write “krycek” into skinner's hand like i thought! he wrote “kritschgau” <- our old friend!!! i never thought we would see him again!!! what an ambitious crossover event!!!

skinner knocks at his door and he opens up. he says he has to talk to kritschgau. he tries to shut the door in his face, but skinner does NOT allow it.

so kritschgau lost his government job because he was a whistleblower about the whole alien thing at mulder’s request. it sounds like he might not be the best person to help out if this is the case. skinner is saying mulder asked for YOU!!!!!!! and brings him to his hospital bed. 

oh shit… mulder is somehow anticipating what kritschgau is asking skinner. can he hear what people are thinking??? like gibson??? kritschgau says he MIGHT know why he asked for him

yeah, steal him!!! wheel him out!!! free the man!!

kritschgau and skinner are FIGHTINGGG!!!!!! kritschgau says skinner better be prepared to accept the responsibility of taking him out of the ward… gag… 

and then he hands skinner a needle and says he must inject mulder. skinner says he will NOT do this, but kritschgau explains he is on the wrong treatment. and while kritschgau isn’t a doctor, he’s seen his condition. was it in his son who died?

no, he says it was “in a study”. from the CIA!! he says that they had to slow their impulses to a normal rate after they had become “all brain”

yeah, sure, why not? i’ll roll with that. doesn't sound like it makes any real sense, but it's an alien show, so i can suspend my disbelief.

and he hands skinner the needle. skinner looks like he’s going to stab kritschgau….. but puts the needle in mulder instead… and no, i cannot look, thank you for asking- but he seems more normal!!! his face relaxes and he says “they’re coming”

ah, fuck. it’s diana looking for him. she says he isn’t in his bed… but when the nurse opens the door, he is right there with skinner. LMAO. trick the trickster. he claims he found him down the hall. 

“who are you?” “i’m his boss. and hers” <- BAHAHA yeah. remind her where she stands. and then he orders her to leave. BAHAHAHA!!!!!! get the fuck out.

he says “she knows”. she knows what?? that he can read minds somehow?? “no doctors. get me scully” <- OHHHH…. he wants his scully :(

but skinner doesn’t know where scully even is!!! because she had to fuck off to god only knows where when he and diana were lying to her!!

and mulder says he KNOWS that skinner has been compromised and that krycek will kill him. OH!!!!! so has he come up with a solution to that problem in his time laying in bed?

he says he needs kritschgau. he needs him to prove that it’s alien. kritschgau doesn't believe. which is why he needs him.

scully is piecing together rubbings of the craft!!! and barnes can translate a few letters. look at her translating. i want to put her in a blanket and wrap her up.

so, the rubbings from the top of the craft translate to words about genetics. but the workers who were working on the bottom of the craft were scared away by the evil signs. what little writing they have found on the bottom of the craft has been from all sorts of religions!! science and mysticism! with power in them!!! this is what scully says in her monologue!

scully won’t stop- she says she is only afraid she is too late.

amina comes in with more translated pieces. it is a passage from the Quran! teachings of the prophet on a spacecraft!!

and scully has more to show as well. a panel for each chromosome. perhaps a map of all genetic makeup. this sounds like it would be a huge deal for science as a whole and scully in particular.

they’re talking about how beautiful it is, how it is the word of god- and i do want them to be friends forever- but barnes barges in, saying they’re wrong. he looks wild. he declares there is no god- only that what is out there is what started the spark that cooked the primordial soup. girl, no one asked you. why would the primordial spark bother to write down what would become major world religions and the human genetic makeup? doesn't make sense, tbh.

amina says he is mad from the sun. and he replies that he is very sane and understands everything. it has all been written. 

scully tries to tell him he’s sick- and her vest and glasses combo is going so hard- but he pulls out the machete, asking if they think they’ll take the credit!!! noooooo. omfgggg, barnes, academia can WAIT. we need to save mulder’s ass first before you start thinking about your publications. scully once again says that she is only here to help her friend. and barnes declares that he got too close to its power- the ultimate power.

he then announces that no one can leave before he does. and sits by the door. 

OMFGGGGG.... NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT THE ORIGINS OF THE UNIVERSE RIGHT NOWWWWWW... barnes is off the deep end fr fr

back in DC, kritschgau is explaining his machine that shows random pictures to skinner- if mulder knows which pictures are UFOs without seeing them, he could be a psychic. and mulder makes a little joke joke before flopping the UFO spotting test. it is hard for ESP to perform under pressure!

mulder just wants him to prove that it’s aliens doing this, saying kritschgau doesn’t want to believe. he isn’t looking hard enough. so skinner says to speed the test up. 

and when it is sped up he can ACE the UFO test!!! he anticipates them!! yeahhhh!!

i hope he won’t stay psychic forever, though. he has enough going on in his life.

back to the ivory coast. barnes still sits by the door while scully and amina watch. he’s nodding off… scully has blood lust in her eyes. but the tent starts shaking….. barnes thinks the ship brought some fish back to life. when he grabs the fish, scully SLAMS HIM WITH A CHAIR!!!! HELLLLL YEAHHHH!!!

they make a break for it!!!! they steal the jeep!!! where can they go?! does amina know the way?? yes, she does. and scully sees the guy again!!! right in the road!!! she yells at amina to stop, but he’s not there.

AH FUCK. jump scare. now she sees him in the CAR with them. “some truths are not for you”, he says. WHAT!

she thinks it was the scary appearing and disappearing man who touched her head, but it was amina checking to make sure she was still alive!! poor girl is having a full on panic attack.

scully wants to go home now. i cannot blame her at all.

skinner is trying to get mulder out of the hospital. ohhhh, but skinner doesn't let kritschgau give him the medicine that works!!! he says he knows he’s out for revenge!! “how far should it go? how far would mulder go?” (skinner reluctantly hands him the vial)

ahhhh, they need to get out of here before diana…. ah fuck. she is here. 

FUCK. he starts going into seizure….. they’re trying to hold him. what is going ON. is kritschgau a traitor??? did he make him seize on purpose? did he give him the wrong dose? or a dose that is too heavy?

back at the tent in the ivory coast…. the driver comes to look for dr. barnes. and then he HACKS HIM TO DEATH??? saying he’s sorry….. HUH. are we doing sacrifice now?

diana, do not fucking touch him. she's monologuing to him as he lays in the hospital bed, unresponsive- but she knows he can hear her. “i know you know about me… that my loyalties aren’t just to you. but to a man you’ve grown to despise” GIRL??? get out of here.

“you have your reasons, but as you look inside me now, you know that i have mine” oh…. now what is THAT supposed to mean? what reason could she possibly have for working with the devil? what does he know now that he can read her mind?

“fox, i love you” <- HELLLLL NO. nah, i don’t even wanna write that shit down. she says she won’t let him prove it. now they can be together. HUH? don’t fucking kiss him????

what do you mean, she knows what’s inside of him? what do you mean the music is swelling like that? did she test him somehow when she went to his apartment, and that is why his brain is going wild??

scully rolls up to the FBI building!!!! and barges into skinner’s office!!!! she asks him where tf mulder is!!! and when he doesn’t cooperate, she goes to leave… but he says there’s been some trouble. scully walks in and whispers: “what kind of trouble?” 

he says he got kritschgau involved, and he takes full responsibility. scully does not believe he is dying. he is more alive than his body can stand. “and what’s causing it may be extraterrestrial in origin” <- AH! boom!!!! she said the alien words!!! “i know” he says. “but there’s nothing to be done about it”

“they’re going to deny you access” “maybe as his partner, but not as his doctor” <- OH SHIT!!! what does she have planned?!??

back on the ivory coast, barnes is…… picking stuff up off of the floor while the dead guy sits there. something approaches. he thinks the man who he slashed came back to life!!!

he grabs the lantern and calls out…. there are footsteps into the sea. AHHHH! the guy who was previously dead gets HIM with the machete!!! so can this ship bring people back from the dead? i thought the gag with the fish was just a genius scully and amina plot to distract him before getting smacked with a chair!!!

mulder is laying in his hospital bed. he can hear muffled voices, including scully’s! she’s here to see him!!! she says she knows he can hear him. she needs him to hold on. she says she found a key to every question that’s ever been asked.  and she knows it can save him if he just holds on.

she grabs his hand. and asks him please. hold on. 

barnes is found dead in the water!!!! amina stands with her hands on her hips, looking into the sea. is the craft no longer there?

and thus concludes the episode.

bro….. so much just happened.

not sure i even want to unpack the diana stuff right now. because i feel that more is yet to come. and if i try to untangle it now, more stuff will happen and then i'll have wasted time crafting a theory. however, i hope that the next episode is the last time we see her, because i've had enough. what did she mean about him looking inside her?? what could possibly justify her working with CSM?? how tf does she think that relationship would ever work out? "hi honey. i came back to our house after a hard day of helping your mortal enemy kill more innocent people. did you have a nice day in the office trying to stop him from doing exactly that? shall i make spaghetti for dinner?"

i lowkey think CSM is her father. but that is all i've got.

so scully might now be an alien believer. i mean, this was built up slowly over time, but it’s also not like she just gave in for no reason. she found incredible evidence. and said evidence might have disappeared back into the sea, but it’s hard to say. hell, if i found a spaceship covered in a very niche language that translated into tons of religious texts, i might also start believing things. or think that someone was REALLY committed to the fakery. 

wait. again. what the fuck are diana’s “reasons” that she spoke of??

scully was indiana jones today. and it suit her very nicely. i was deeply pleased. she was badass, genius, and she looked beautiful doing it. and she was feeling very angsty as she blamed herself for not being able to figure out what was wrong.

and she made a friend!!! i hope they can stay in contact with amina, but i have a feeling something terrible will happen to her. they never let the side characters stick around for too long.

poor mulder. so what’s kritschgau’s deal? he gave him way too much of the drug that he knew would help him in low doses because he wanted revenge??? if mulder knew he wanted revenge, or that it was even a possibility, why did he write his name on his hand?? he could read kritschgau's mind, so he had to have known what he was planning. what is he thinking?? it must be so infuriating to sit there, hearing everyone’s thoughts, unable to do anything about it.

skinner blaming himself for what happened……. for being tricked by kritschgau. taking full responsibility, just like kritschgau said he had to. poor skinner. he just can’t win. but GOD, does he love his agents. at the same time, though, he tried to tell scully there was nothing that could be done to help mulder. was that out of his own guilt? did he think he was sparing her getting her hopes up? was he surrendering to the idea that he may have killed one of his best agents, and is preparing to suffer the cosmic consequences? and his response to scully saying the problem might be alien- he says he knows. what does that imply about where he stands on the scully to mulder scale of belief?

gggaaaaaah, there’s so much to chew on here. scully…. scully save me. with your machete and your vest and your translation of science words. thinking it’s beautiful. thinking it’s an answer to all the questions ever asked. 

but what if it is a fake?? what if she opens herself up to the idea of something being real... and then it isn’t? how would she ever open herself up again?

i mean, seeing something that seems to have come from an alien and explains every answer to every question is not the same thing as believing that every single UFO sighting is legit, so i don’t think we should conflate the two. she’s using the scientific method!!! 

but i feel like since it answers so many questions, it can’t actually be real. it seems too convenient- maybe the ship is a syndicate fake? but then, if that were the case, why would krycek be getting involved to deal with something that isn't even real? the syndicate isn't supposed to be sloppy; they aren't supposed to kill unless they absolutely have to so they can avoid detection, which was why CSM got in so much trouble for the hit for scully that ended up killing melissa. so they wouldn't just kill merkmallen for no reason- unless it really was barnes that did that independent of them, and perhaps krycek was just egging him along.

i feel like if the ship were from a true alien civilization, it would be incomprehensible to us rather than the source of all human religion. like, bible and quran passage, the human genome- that seems like the sort of stuff that someone would translate in an effort to make a convincing fake. a really, really convincing fake. if they're aliens, then they probably have more pressing matters to deal with than humans on a different planet- unless it is somehow part of their long haul plan for colonization? get the people to believe this this and this, and document how they work, to better exploit them as slaves? why the focus on just humans if the galaxy has other things in it?

but then, if it WAS a fake, how did the rubbing have the power to make mulder go into his whole thing? and why does it seem to only be bothering him?? and some of the people who are trying to dig it up, but not all of them. and maybe also barnes, but it’s hard to say. and then barnes got killed!! because the guy he murdered came back to life!! so can the ship thingy do that? raise the dead?

lots of biblical references. plague of locusts, sea of blood, raising of the dead, etc etc. what does that mean for scully? does that lend credibility to the idea that life comes from elsewhere because there are elements that are familiar to the way she already believed the universe was run? or does the mention of other faiths in the writings shake her to the core?

there is so much to think about, and i will continue thinking in the morning, but at this moment, i am very tired and must sleep. and hopefully i shall dream of a world where they are all better. we get a restraining order against diana (who, if you recall, took her shirt off while going into mulder's bedroom while he was super sick last time, which i still am freaked tf out about), and then amina can laugh with scully over the phone, and they can talk about science while mulder sleeps over. because she won’t let him be away. yes. i shall think of this and sleep like a baby. 

[purityvalentine]

chat should i make myself some instant noodles when i'm not really hungry but it's 3:30am and i am craving the experience of being a living being (eating is something nearly all animalia do)

[a-vibing-potato]

ELIJAH! EEEEEEEELIIIIIIJAHHHH!! ELIJAH ELIJAH ELIJAH ELIJAH ELIJAH ELIJAH-

[bf-rally]

Happy April! 🌹🌼🐇

I have an update!

New "bfs" and some alts have been added to get into the Spring mood.

Make sure to get them when you want. Though, I'll leave them up til like Summer probably (so late June) :]

[annalrk-art]

being an artist truly lets you be so cringe and so free, but god do i wish i had more energy to draw more frequently for both cringe and non-cringe reasons.

[askfallenroyalty]

Not that I needed a NEW project to work on but... Here's my Underfell take. Let's see where this goes.

[itspileofgoodthings]

I showed my students some Rosings scenes yesterday and in my last period class I let it play a little longer so that it continued into Darcy’s first proposal (even though we hadn’t read it yet) and it played all the way up until the exact moment that Lizzy drew breath to answer him. The bell rang and then they shouted at me in a unison of disappointment and disbelief anskskskskksks.

[friendlynaborhooddisapointment]

ik this isnt my usual type of post, but i wanted to share this. i feel asleep in the middle of the day today (Easter sunday) and had this dream.

i was in the metro with my mom to get some food, because i had just dropped out of a prestigious college (in the dream) and was very upset (the collage was difficult and stressful and i hated almost everyone there, just not a fun time, also i got mold on my feet there?). we were going to talk about it over food.

at one of the stops, someone pushes a piano into the metro and they start playing. it was verying impressive and beautiful. when they stop, someone else plays it, it was also very good. this continues, different people i wouldn't have looked twice at in public come to the piano and play beautiful music. it was all different types of music, but it was all good.

stilling right next to us was my great grandfather, he died 5 years ago (2020). me and my mom are talking to him like we all walked into the metro together (we did not) and was not a strange thing to happen. he starts falling asleep, we try to keep him awake and one of the things my mom does is read the newspaper to him. when he hears that someone is reading to him, he wakes up and takes the paper. he tells her "don't read to me! i can read well enough on my own".

he continues reading the paper out loud. while reading, my great grandfather skips a word, and my mom points it out. he says that the words all move around when he reads, but reading in french (the language the newspaper was in) is better then reading in armenian (our mother-tongue) since armenian letters all look the same and the words are easier to mix up if you are not paying attention. he says thats why french is his favorite language. i tell him i have a simular issue, and he smiles.

the newspaper disappears and my mom tells me to massage his hands since his arthritis is acting up, so i massage his hands. hes listening to the music now and tells me he used to play the guitar. he also shows me a picture he drew of the back of an electric guitar with the serial number and screws and everything. and also shows me the tattoo he has of the serial number of the guitar on his upper arm right next to a tattoo of the back panel scews of a guitar. i get the distinct feeling that he learned it in heaven, and also got the tattoo there. im not a very religious person so im suprised that i was thinking that. i guess i assumed when he came down to visit me in the metro he was an old man again? idk

anyway he tells me that he cant play the guitar anymore because his hands don't work like they used to. i tell him i i've been wanting to learn the guitar, but i hadn't gotten around to it.

he tells me that i can't give up when something is hard, and that if i do, i wont ever do anything. and that will make me a very sad person.

he doesn't say this, but i know hes not talking about becoming a pittiful person, hes talking about becoming a person who is very unsatisfied with their life and incredibly sad. who has gotten to the point where looking for their happiness doesn't even register as a solution to become happier.

after he tells me this, he becomes very tired. My mom tells me to let him sleep since he is tired and should rest. he falls asleep very quickly and i wake up.

[depresseddepot]

started planning out an actual real budget to see what sort of housing I could afford if I lived alone and it is. not great !

[htodinth]

I haven't had the capacity to maintain much of a presence online for years, though I'd really like to..! 🦊 But, I've managed to live a little, at least. I have some pretty pictures from my most recent boyfriend visit to share ✨🦊💦

I graduated university two years and a bit ago now, and I think I was planning to post about it in some way, but it left me so crumpled I couldn't muster the will to do it until the season had long passed... Moving out and out again has heaped heavy on top of that, too...

Hopefully I can get around to posting the little things I've made and done, and scrape together the effort to make more, too 🦊💖

When I get that far, you'll be able to find me and my stuff on foxy.gay (in addition to here and twitter horpfully) (it's currently just a bsky redirect, but i love to make website :3)

[n0bluev]

@fushiglow hmm….wonder who i’d draw this for all of a sudden and why… 🤔🤔