#just tired of feeling so alone
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you ever cry because a calculator just told you that with the job you want to have, you still won’t be able to afford having kids? no? just me then
#no i do not need a reality check i just need my idealistic head in the clouds and my sheer force of will#look i think i would fuck a child up in the head actually so i dont actually think it's right for me to have a child#but my god. what else is there#i know it's wrong to think this way but i spend so much time worrying about death#and my non existence#that i really just think that if i had a kid maybe i could settle my mind a little#have something else to think about#and be settled in the sense that. a part of me will live on maybe#and yet at the same time. how could i bring them into this fucked up world?#i dont know man it really fucking hurts#just want someone that will love me is all i guess#but then again even that won't last if im a piece of shit mom#or even if im a good one. even#kids just Be like that ya know?#idk man my brain hurts#just tired of feeling so alone
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can’t talk about it
[ID: Black and white comic of Vash and Wolfwood from Trigun Maximum. The comic starts with the sounds "thud, thud, click". Vash, mid-action of peeling an apple, turns to the sound, noticing who it was that entered, and says, "Oh, Wolfwood, you're back." He resumes back to his apple in the next panel as he speaks, "Where'd you go? You snuck out of bed quickly this morning..." Wolfwood's hand then enters the panel, hovering over Vash's cheek and Vash looks up as Wolfwood asks, "Can I?" Vash responds, "Not going to talk about it?" while using a hand to gently hold Wolfwood's hovering hand and presses a kiss to his inner palm.
Vash then gets up fully, setting down the knife down on the table and the apple onto a plate, He leans into Wolfwood as Wolfwood explains, "Had to meet someone. Nothing interesting to talk about." Vash kisses Wolfwood's left cheek and a hand moves to cup his other cheek while muttering, "You're being vague." Wolfwood says neutrally, "If yer really that curious, keep askin'. We can talk about that instead of doing this." Vash leans back and responds, "Let's talk after, since... You look so tired."
The panel pans to a close up of Wolfwood's downcast eyes, bags heavy underneath his eyes. He doesn't allow Vash to sit in that moment for long though, then saying, "Yer not helping, Spikey. Being all slow with it... I could fall asleep right now." He moves his hand to start unclasping Vash's coat, starting from his collar. Vash with red cheeks, responds briskly, "Oh, shut up. I'm worried about you. I can't be worried?"
The final shot shows Wolfwood's back to the viewer while Vash's softened expression can be seen as he holds gently onto the side of Wolfwood's face and a hand firm on his waist. Wolfwood responds, "I'm fine, seriously," pausing for a moment before continuing, "Is it okay to still..?" Vash responds, "Yeah, it's okay."
The next image is a shot from later that night after the previous comic. Vash and Wolfwood are now in bed, half naked. Wolfwood's buries his face into Vash's chest, his arms wrapped around him, while Vash is petting at his hair. Vash reminds him, "Hey. You said we'd talk about it." Wolfwood pauses for a moment before piping up, "In the morning? I'm sleepy." Vash says, "Okay..."
The next two pages start from the morning after. Wolfwood is already fully awake, pulling on his outer jacket as he says to Vash, whos' still bundled in his blankets, "Breakfast is on the table. Make sure to eat it. I'm going to grab some things in town and then we're leavin'. Got it?" Vash says, "Mh." Wolfwood responds, "Good. See ya in a bit." The dialogue starts to shift into Vash's inner thoughts now, as he gets up and eats toast, thinking, "Wait. Weren't we supposed to... talk about it?" The next shot then shows him fully up, meeting Wolfwood in town. He carries a half worried expression with him while Wolfwood slides on his glasses for him. A quick panel shows Wolfwood's tired expression from the night before and quickly juxtaposes with Wolfwood in front of him who's smiling gently, the shades covering his eye bags. Wolfwood asks him, "Still not awake yet?" Vash pauses, his thoughts stirring, thinking, "Oh. I guess I was getting ahead of myself... thinking you owe me that kind of honesty." He smiles at Wolfwood and responds, "I'm awake!" His thoughts continue, "Maybe one day, you'd trust me enough to share your burdens."
The final image shows Wolfwood pulling at Vash's cheek and Vash complains, "Owwwww why..." Wolfwood quickly says, "You were thinking something stupid, right? It's all over yer face." Vash mutters, "Nooo, I wasn't..." END ID]
#vashwood#trigun#trigun maximum#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#Theyre both thoroughly exhausted tired individuals -- vash having to fight this lonely battle for over a hundred years and getting dragged#back into inevitable situation with knives after a 2 years hiatus of being a gunslinger. they both need so much Rest and comfort in this#department... .SIGHS. BUT I JUST THINK ABOUT WOLFWOOD . AND HOW... LITTLE He has existed on no man's land. how majority of his years being#alive is being used as a weapon and to kill when him at his very core is the most giving and selfless individual ever#badlands rumble inspired me a bit but i do think wolfwood gets dragged into occasional tasks from the eye of michael while on his duty of#guiding vash -- or i think that one chapter where we got to see other members of eom -- there's like a clear division within the eom too#i think.... so i figured similarly to vash but not to the same amount -- there are people that look for wolfwood too. but most of the time#it's probably wolfwood that has to look for someone else and take them out. i feel like it happens ever so occasionally.#evidentially these two don't talk enough canonically but they always know how to express things properly to affirm that they're okay#they have the worst time ever sharing burdens - can't willingly burden the other and has neeever asked for help or reprieve in their#desperate situations... vw is a huge case of right person wrong time syndrome so they just. in the time they get to spend together -- even#if romantically - they don't have enough time to heal to get over that kind of hurdle. They've just never asked for help in all the years#they've been alive -- they don't even know how to and its just aughhhsgskg#and well! they don't even need to ask! because they'll be there for each other anyway at the end of the day -- company and presence alone.#ruporas art
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Why would you—That's not—I just wanted to ask for help, why did you have to go and make it awkward???
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#xue yang#Its such a relief to not have to draw so many characters once again.#Redrawing the specific font from the English translated mdzs books was surprisingly fun!#Maybe I'm alone in this...but I think characters switching to a different font of speech for *emphasis* is peak comedy#you can't communicate voice changes of sound very well in non audio forms so this is the best I can do.#Anyways...rip Xue Yang. You finally meet your idol and he brushes you off#Rather— he doesn't live up to the expectations you built in your head#Kind of an on going issue there Jester (I refuse to call him king or sir)#XY is constantly making people out to be the versions he needed them to be to feel justified in his actions#but struggles to pivot when confronted with the fact that these ppl are *more* than just one surface reading!#wwx doesn't actually think xy is flirting. He's just tired of all the fake fans + wants to get out of this convo.#button mashing the A button to skip the unskippable cutscene#Lan Wangji is in the next comic btw. I've missed him dearly. I'm sorry he's been gone so long </3#edit: poorly spelt MDZS strikes again. This is why I need more time to write my comics. So I can actually proofread B*(#edit2: I cast 'Power of Technology' and fixed my error. Everyone reblog this version instead please
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bug doodles so i can say i drew something
#oc#original character#alien oc#artists on tumblr#art#aliens#sketch#nyx#having a rough month creatively. and mentally. like a really really rough month. but i'm tired of saying that too#i made like three things this year i was excited about and that's it. where did the fun go. im supposed to enjoy it right#if i dont enjoy it then what is the point !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! of anything !!!! i dont enjoy Anything anymore even !!!!!!!!!#why is it already august. almost september. i dont even remember most of 2023 let alone 2024.#i got no drive to draw let alone to push through a drawing when it gets challenging or doesn't turn out right. i barely drew this month#just kinda hated everything. nothing is fulfilling#IF IM NOT HAVING FUN !!! THEN WHAT IS THE POINT !!! WHAT AM I DOING IT FOR#more and more i consider taking a hiatus from art. but what the fuck else do i do with my time then. what if i never come back to it#i got a list of stuff i could draw but either i try and i dont like it or i sit there and wonder why even bother because i wont enjoy it#guys im tired. im so exhaustingly overwhelmingly depressingly fucking tired and i feel no joy in my art#or videogames. or anything.#i need to go to bed
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Dual calamities Qijiu AU save me.... save me Dual Calamity Qijiu...
Yes they are wearing each other's former coats/outer layer and tons of matching accessory and garment pieces why do you ask
Details under the cut/Rambling ahead
Dual calamities AU, post pidw. SJ kills himself on the shards of Xuan Su by swallowing them. Qijiu end up entwined into one ghost amalgamation, their combined regrets hatred spite and resentment and everything creating a nearly supreme/calamity level ghost. They go off indiscriminately murdering in the demon realm in a mindless unaware rampage, consuming ghosts and demons alike and becoming stronger until they are strong enough to be aware once more.
Luo Binghe becomes aware of the new calamity too late, due to his distraction with the Bingge vs Bingmei extra happenings, and ends up regretting it as he fails to catch up to them time and time again, despite attempting to chase down the new calamity that slaughtered half the demons in a mindless rage.
It could go down the Bingqijiu path or be simply Qijiu retreating somewhere to live in peace. Maybe being annoyed later on by Hua Cheng and/or He Xuan, maybe even Bai Wuxiang once. They kick Qi Rong off a mountain once, when he comes to annoy them for the title only to prove that is not a calamity (unfortunately for him, ily stinky green ghost). SJ is gonna have the time of his life roasting his ass. Qi Rong will leave both in pieces and tears.
Their only disadvantage really is that they cannot seperate too much, physically. But I imagine after being in each other's brains after the soul merge they don't particularly care to be (nor would they want to be. This is Qijiu we're talking about.) It's Qijiu's codependant dream. Xuan Su sewed them together and actually they are very very codependant and possessive after everything so this is just fine. They probably even have a Xuan Su blood weapon, that heeds both their commands and calls. While fighting they synchronise, with YQY being the strength and SJ the brains.
I imagine YQY is able to conjure the arrows that pierced him as spiritual projectiles, and SJ chains that bound him in the water prison. Their strength was cultivated by absorbing and devouring other ghosts and demons.
@ace-shenanigans came up with the lovely title "jade dragon stalks bamboo" which is a much better title than I could ever hope to come up with. Thank you for listening to my mad ramblings
I've been wanting to draw and think on this for a while, of how grotesque to make the initial ghost + the later higher cultivation form. But basically the kiln and everything would count them as one ghost, probably a dual title too. They'd be like a myth amongst the realms, retreating to a comfortable mountain peak with bamboo, occassionally off to hunt down slavers.
#qijiu#yue qingyuan#shen jiu#svsss#original shen qingqiu#shen qingqiu#aka the usual bullshit from me from these past months#been gaming da veilguard so wait for the inevitable qijiu Dragon Age au#dual calamity qijiu#i will draw more for them.... they consume me...#sorry for low quality sketches but this is the majority of my art so you might as well get used to it#but dual cal!qijiu is so funny with the other ghost kings too#hua cheng is so jealous of the codendant situationship of this married couple#he xuan is tired but i imagine he'd get along well with sj#while YQY can sympathize with HC's YearningTM#but they'd mostly just be chilling in their place#tbh they'd deserve it#they'd leave Bingge alone#they don't particularly care to settle any debts (plus#in SJ's case he feels it was deserved and they're even now)#Bingge would beg to differ but Qijiu really does not give a shit
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Raise your hand if you feel utterly behind in life 🫠
#i told my therapist that i'm tired of being lazy#sorry for the L word#i just have no energy or motivation to do much of literally anything except distracting myself from the pain#of everything that should be done#i'm JUST a guy. but also an adult who should idk know better??? but i don't i am SO unbelievably lost#and it really just feels like I'm alone in this feelind and I know I'm not but the people around me don't seem to get it#or maybe I just need to lock in and get over myself#but I really really can't lmfao#ANYWAYS-
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Hey! i’m really into the dbch story and i was wondering if doc and xisuma ever tell bdubs the specifics of why etho lost his memories, cause if they do that is prime self blaming angst for bdubs
I’m inclined to believe they don’t. Actually (and maybe I should do a small comic for this so more people see it) I imagine, once a month or a few pass and they finally return etho to bdubs as reset, I imagine they are VERY serious about warning bdubs not to try to force Etho to re-deviate— they don’t go into specifics, but they probably tell bdubs that whatever happened had to do with something that was emotionally overwhelming, and that forcing him to redeviate/not letting it happen naturally could trigger the same error. They have no idea what could happen so bdubs needs to be very careful and let Etho find himself again on his own.
Whether or not bdubs gets impatient or can only go so long before he doubts it would be that bad if he tried pushing Etho in the right direction is another story.
But yeah. I don’t think Xisuma or Doc really… tell anyone that this happened. Etho’s error seemed like a very specific one-off scenario, so it’s not something the other hermits should be trying to avoid or be careful about happening to their own android friends, and the only thing telling people would do is make them worried about the situation. All they need to know is that etho was broken and that they need to be careful with him. I don’t agree with their decision to keep what happened to themselves but I understand it I think. Xisuma “i don’t want to worry the hermits” Void and Docm “eh this isn’t the first time I’ve replaced this arm, people won’t question it” 77
#that’s a lie actually I think xisuma ends up telling Cleo :>#but only because Cleo is very smart and I think they should be close in this au :]#but no she would clock Tired Overworked Existential Crisis Xisuma in an instant#Cleo calls them both idiots and gives them big hugs and tells them they need therapy. also that they’re welcome by her place anytime to talk#it’s very sweet and healing to me#this is where “all things end’’ on Xisuma’s playlist comes in actually#oh my god I got so off topic#BDUBS IS GOING TO FEEL GUILTY NO MATTER WHAT THOUGH#like okay. technically#the reason etho shut down is because he was freaking out that everything was his fault#(last life—not giving bdubs a heart— trying to win for bdubs and then losing— coming back to s8 feeling like he can’t face bdubs—>#ending up leaving him alone when the moon hit#and bdubs was hurt by these things. no doubt#but bdubs just wants his friend back and maybe he’s a little reckless about it#bdubs hides his emotions behind cartoonish frustration and complaining but he feels bad#he feels like he should be doing more to ‘save’ etho and bring him back even though he was to#told* he shouldn’t#dbhc ask#dbhc#dbhc bdubs#dbhc etho#dbhc doc#dbhc xisuma#ask#anon
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For me the ‘canon homoerotic subtext’ between brick!Valjean and Javert is really more about the parallels between Javert and Eponine, who are explicitly set up as character foils.
Brick!Javert isn’t obsessed with Valjean like he is in adaptations. He’s not psychosexually obsessed with hunting him down; he really doesn’t seem to think of him as being any different than any other criminal—- he doesn’t think about Jean Valjean much at all until after Jean Valjean saves his life.
But after the barricades, Javert’s sudden weird desperate emotions about Jean Valjean are like a twisted mirror of his character foil Eponine’s weird desperate emotions for Marius.
Some guy takes pity on them, and extends them a bit of basic impersonal kindness— and they react by descending into this violently self-destructive suicidal admiration built on self-loathing. They’re both described as making themselves the “dogs” of Marius/Valjean, the dogs of people who barely remember they exist.
And anyway! I think there is potential to explore things there in analysis and fanfiction
#les mis#les mis letters#ANYWAY#this is why my post-seine fanfic is like that#and why i tag it so strangely#how do you tag ‘javert has whatever Eponine had. but for Jean Valjean’#but yeah I keep saying I’m gonna write a full length post about this parallel#but then I don’t#the Valjean/javert and Eponine/Marius parallels are real though#I feel like before I write and overlong masterpost on that#id have to put one together that’s just about the javert-Eponine parallels alone#and yeeg#so much to write#idk if this is coherent I’m typing late and tired 😂#I feel like this is why I often don’t feel the same way as other valvert fans tho
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here have a Lights Out meme(?) before i go to bed <3 Wally is showing off a neat party trick to his newfriend <3
og:
#this has been in my mind for several days and im finally tired enough to execute it#this is... technically noncanon to the au i suppose...#wally Wouldn't touch fire again he learned his lesson#but also. at this point in the 'story' (said nebulously) Does He Really Care#wally: hey frank check this shit out *lights himself on fire*#frank - softly but with feeling: what the fuck...#home: *tired creak*#wallys had his Nothing In Life Matters (depressed) phase#now its time for Nothing In Life Matters (manic) phase#wh lights out au#scribble salad#theyre having so much fun i prommy (lying)#i really need to portray more of the au than just the Frank And Wally Alone In The Studio portion#even if it is the most fun. To Me.#they're entertaining... i feel like im playing with dolls...
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The cape wrapping was too much for me I have to leave
#silver sending stones#cr spoilers#cr 3 e 108#orym of the air ashari#dorian storm#he probably watched the loom and was like “this is what i signed up for. forever.”#dorym#i do not know how to feel#because this came at the end of such a harsh moment from orym?#he killed fearnes dad which will eat him alive for the rest of his life#he just yelled at everyone because theyre still not understanding that the gods leaving is not going to leave exandria as it was.#he is literally so spent.#hes so tired#and so guilty#(oh i have to update my list of things orym blames hinself for)#and as hes yelling. as hes pleading with his friends to see the calamity that will happen if the gods are gone.#he floats over to dorian.#arguably his biggest opposition#and when hes done. when hes tired himself out. he leans on dorian.#he leans on dorian probably with no expectations of reciprocation. he just. needs dorian in that moment.#and dorian. who has been fighting to get rid of the gods since they took opal and killed hia brother. who wants them gone more than anything#wraps orym in his cloak. a protective wing around him. a warm. same place for him to lean. to rest. even running his hands through his hair.#they have been fighting since dorian came back. theyve been on the opposite sides of each discussion. each argument. and yet#orym still finds comfort in dorian. and dorians still affectionate towards orym.#id like to believe they slept in the same bed that night. after weeks of... finding reasons not to.#theyre clean and newly dry and slightly cold and maybe Orym finds a bed and curls up alone because fearne isnt there. but she hasnt been#for a while. and he doesnt take up the whole bed. he cant. but he doesnt expect someone to join him.#and then when the lights are off and the crickets are chirping and the faint screaming of a new bush to lull him to sleep. his door opens.#he doesnt get up because he knows hes safe in the manor. despite how scary it is. hes fearnes friend and has a deal with nana.#so he doesnt move. he feels cool. soft skin on his back and arms wrapping around him. to protect him. to comfort him
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there are literally so many reasons why we don't need a third Narnia adaptation
first of all, while they might not be the most accurate, the Disney movies are actually so good and, in my opinion, still manage to capture the heart and soul of the series and what it's truly about. The characters are each perfectly portrayed; the Pevensies act like actual siblings and yet love each other dearly and would die for each other even through all the petty arguments; the music creates perfect atmosphere and emotion and never fails to make me tear up or get shivers down my spine; and the CGI is honestly just absolutely stunning.
I really do not feel like we need another adaptation by Netflix.
Especially not through Netflix.
Netflix has already been known to mess up so many shows and movies by completely changing the source material or adding in unnecessary things that completely take away from the purpose of the story. I can already see them warping Narnia into something that barely even resembles the books, that strips it of its purpose and simply makes it about a fantasy world, nothing more. I've already seen posts saying that the new movies just can't end the way the books end, that heaven must be explained away, that Susan never forgets and falls down a dark path, that the faith aspect must be taken out so as not to offend new viewers.
Here's the thing.
If you take faith out of Narnia, you remove the very heart of the series. you remove the entire purpose. Because Narnia is entirely about faith, and trust, and Someone greater than yourself who sacrifices everything to save your own traitorous soul. the Disney movies did not shy away from portraying this faith as openly as possible. if anyone was offended, I've never seen proof. I have seen many nonbelievers talk about how much they were affected by Aslan's death, which goes to show that you simply don't have to be Christian to understand what Narnia is about, and to love and enjoy it.
So if these new remakes remove the faith aspect, then what is the point? four siblings go to a magical land and save it from a witch and befriend a talking lion with nothing special about him and live there as kings and queens and return home and live happily ever after? there is no sacrifice, there is no "he's not tame, but he is good," there is no creation, there is no redemption, there is no last battle, there is no "in your world, I have another name", there is no sister straying down a dark path because she has forgotten how to hope, and then returning because her story is unfinished and the road to heaven is paved with flowers that symbolize her name.
so then, what are you left with? Aslan is just a talking lion, nothing more. the stone table never cracks, the sun never rises. "That by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there" is forgotten entirely, because why would Aslan exist in our world if he is merely a talking lion in Narnia? Aslan's country is changed to be something else, and there is nothing about how Aslan suddenly no longer looks like a lion, and how the things that happened after are more great and beautiful than can be described. Edmund's life is never threatened because of his traitorous deeds; Aslan never offers his own life in place of a guilty boy, is never killed, is never resurrected.
the very core of Narnia is removed, and what you are left with is emptiness.
sure, it might make for a good fantasy story nonetheless. you might still have sweeping views and epic music and an intriguing plotline, but something will always feel like it is missing. like there is an empty hole, desperately needing to be filled.
of course, I don't know that all of that will happen; it's just speculation at this point. But I am fairly sure that it is safe to predict these upcoming movies as such. I highly doubt the producers will want to include the faith that shapes Narnia, because according to them, having a faith aspect means less viewers since too many people would be offended.
but if only they would look at the already wonderful existing adaptations, they would know that is simply not the case.
#i can already see cs lewis turning in his grave#this really just feels like another tired live action remake tbh#netflix keep ur shabby hands off of my beloveds or i will beat u with a broom#ANYWAY I AM ALSO TERRIFIED OF WHO IS GOING TO PLAY THE PEVENSIES#SKANDAR AND WILLIAM AND GEORGIE AND ANNA WERE ALREADY PERFECT PLS LEAVE MY CHILDREN ALONE#also so help me if people like these new movies better#when the disney ones are perfection imo even tho they're not fully accurate#and i would like to see them try to beat the music. i would like to see them try.#narnia netflix#netflix narnia#narnia#the chronicles of narnia#aslan#susan pevensie#lucy pevensie#edmund pevensie#peter pevensie#cs lewis#ramblings from the void
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#lowkey posting this so i can vent in the tags#at the lowest ive been in years if not ever#I feel so alone Im at my limit and just cant fucking handle this anymore#thanks bg3 for improving my life for 5 months it might not be enough to carry me through the rest of this#Thank you for all the love on my art Ive been so thankful since rejoining fandom a year ago I still cant believe how positive its been#Im just so tired and overwhelmed#heres hoping it passes#bg3#astarion fanart#baldur's gate 3#astarion ancunin#astarion bg3#art tag
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just saw someone misread kamen and fionas relationship so bad someone hold me back
#(scavengers reign on netflix now u should watch it tho)#kiddo say#spoilers ->#implying she's abusive towards kamen because shes cold to him 😐.......... fiona i will avenge you#the reason fiona is so cold towards him is because he's selfish and uncaring towards her. he has worn her down so much that#shes exhausted . she's trapped on the demeter with him with no other family. she gave up her whole life for him and he doesnt#even care about how she feels . just how she feels about him and how he can brag when he feels big and important#he only panics around her when he realises she could leave him because he's just kind of pathetic and doesnt have shit without her#bc kamen wears people down . he's unwilling to work on himself or listen to others thats why he corrupts the hollow#and why him and sam fail to communicate. theyre both too stubborn. but unlike kamen sam does actually care abt his crew#shes given up on the relationship so she fails to communicate but theres only so much she can rly do at that point like. shes so tired#you know what i mean ..#he only cries and regrets what he did when he's confronted by it stranded alone on vesta minor and even then he wont confront it#he lets hollow absorb him#(this also doesnt mean that kamen isnt interesting and tragic. because he is. its just his own doing)
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I drew him being miserable (bcuz he’s a wet cat of a man) but felt bad. Gave him lollipop.
#tw blood#cw blood#it’s not blood it’s givanium but just in case#garten of banban#Garten of banban fanart#gobb#gobb fanart#he was born in a wet cardboard box all alone#and I adore him for that#he’s just Such a guy#am I the only one who’s actually kinda really sad about him#I’m listening to my sad playlist and thinking ‘omg this is Literally him’#he’s so ‘I bet on losing dogs’ by Mitski to me#do u think banban would like mitski. I think he would#idc if this is cringe#he’s SO sad. I have to make him worse#how to convey that I have to make him feel the Worst. even tho he’s my fav#love this creature. the bong bong#<- was gonna type something like that last tag but ig I’ve already made that joke.?#sorry for so many tags I just Love the tagging function#I can convey so many emotions in just one post with both Text and TAGS it’s the BEST#it’s late an I’m tired. need to sleep before I write more tags abt how I want banban to be sad
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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Behold. A tangible representation of 8+ hours of my life: crochet pumpkins made for my sister
#crochet#pumpkins#fall#i am so tired dude#the big one alone took more than 5 hours#it uses a very labor intensive stitch#and obviously it's quite large#also I got like 1/3 thru it at first and had to undo it bc i made a big mistake#but i didn't factor that into my time calculation#just the one I'm giving her is like 5-6 hours of work easily#while I love doing things for people I love this was a good reminder why i don't work freelance#and why I don't set up an Etsy shop like people keep saying i could#this was a lot of crocheting in not much time and I'm really happy to be done with it#i wanted to do other things during this time but didn't feel like I could. and i got really tired of it#which is a bummer bc i crochet for enjoyment not extra cash or anything#so I'd prefer to enjoy it#I'll have to do a different hobby for a couple months haha#anyway admire my pumpkins!#soon they will be on their way to a good home#and if you're about to ask if you can buy some#the answer is no. sorry#😅 I'm not doing this again until next year at least#id in alt text
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