#just started back up with it but holy hell this week i've been living in sleepytown city ;w;

[doodlebless]

Hi brain, if you could be not too tired to stream, that'd be amazing thanks

[star-anise]

are we talking about broke therapists yet?

I've been out of things for a couple of years now, which is why I'm willing to talk about it, and maybe the pandemic has helped things a little, but holy shit the counselling and psychotherapy field is not equipped to help its practitioners in the gig economy.

Of all my interests and talents, I pursued a degree in psychology because being a therapist is supposed to be a safe, stable, well-paid job. Every therapist I met who was registered before 2008 worked and lived under that assumption. And oh boy are all the fee structures--registration, supervision, continuing education, conferences--set up for that scenario.

After getting my Master's, I struggled like hell to get a job. It was especially bad because to get my license, I needed a supervisor to take me on. To take me on, most supervisors wanted me to already have a caseload and client base. To get a caseload and client base, I needed a job.

Friends: Every single job I heard back on wanted me to have my license before I could even land an interview.

Professors and career advisors and professional development specialists all advised me very earnestly to just keep cold-calling people on the supervision list, and it began to feel a lot like my parents' friends telling me to hit the bricks and hand out resumes. That's what worked for them, right?

I finally got a supervisor who agreed to take me on, and I'd be able to use her clinic for advertising and workspace, and we were doing the paperwork to send in with my registration, when she called me up and said, "Is this job going to be your only source of income? If you're trying to depend on getting clients and building your practice for your basic needs, this is not going to work out. This has to be something you're doing on top of a basic salary. Okay, so you're not working anywhere else right now? I'm sorry, I can't move forward with this."

Even once I landed a supervisor and a job building my own private practice, I struggled. I have ADHD and am not great at self-promotion, so trying to do all my own advertising, scheduling, bookkeeping, billing, and records management (on top of counselling) was an enormous strain. One my bosses, supervisors, and other senior professionals watched with a slightly critical eye, but consoled me about because in their early days, their clinics had had business managers, receptionists, filing clerks, and accountants, and getting used to doing everything online yourself was a bit of a learning curve, wasn't it?

I counted my pennies very carefully, because I had to pay my supervisor roughly $180 for their services every 6 hours of in-person counselling I did. This meant that to break even I had to charge my clients an average of about $30 (plus room rental and service fees) an hour--and my clients, being people with complex trauma, were frequently poor, disabled, unemployed, and had no health benefits, so even $10 or $20 a session was a lot for them.

Maybe it would have been easier if I could have taken some of those nice comfortable organization positions where they find clients and funding for you and you work 40 hours a week and get benefits and a pension, but I had to be disabled into the bargain, so working 40 hours a week just isn't possible for me. I start passing out from stress and exhaustion. Older colleagues gave me serious-faced advice about approaching my employer and asking them for some flexibility and accommodation in my schedule, and I tried to explain across the gap between us that employers simply did not hire me if I made the slightest noise about the workload. They weren't going to invest in me as a person; they were hiring 40 units of work a week, and if I wouldn't do it there were a dozen applicants after me who would.

At one point I broke down enough to email my licensing body because the Annual General Meeting/Professional Development Conference was coming up, and I wanted to attend, but I could not produce $500 to do it with. Was there some kind of way I could attend anyway? I felt ashamed to have to ask, and then absolutely mortified when the response came from the organization president, who needed to personally sign off on me being too poor to attend the single most important event in my profession's calendar year.

I honestly felt so ashamed all the time at how I was apparently failing to be a successful therapist, failing to be rich and successful, and every time I mentioned it around mentors and bosses, I could feel myself shrinking from a person to a problem to be solved. My closest therapist-friends and I have reflected on how much more difficult, poorly-paid and underworked, our various career starts have been than we were ever warned about. About the classmates and coworkers who couldn't get disability exceptions when they fell behind in their registration requirements, or burned out and left the field, or dropped their registrations and took up as life coaches, or moved their whole family somewhere exceptionally remote or rural because it was the only good job available, or worked for some godforsaken app skirting the bounds of malpractice like BetterHelp.

I like those conversations, because I feel less like an absolute fuck-up in them. There's less "Hey Lis, you were so talented in grad school, I really admired you, what are you doing now?" "Oh, I, uh... am professionally disabled, so I get government benefits, and I... sell embroidery patterns on Etsy now."

My own therapist kept asking if and when I felt like going back to being a counsellor, and I finally told him: I don't, actually. I don't want to go back and do it like I was doing it before. It was a profession I loved to the depths of my soul, and it profoundly did not love me back. I can't even imagine what would have to change, in me or it, to make it have a space in it that could fit me.

All of which I was way too scared to admit to at the time, because the more I let people know I was struggling, the more they hinted that maybe I just wasn't in a place in my life where this was a job I could do, and I needed to take a little break and wait to come back until money and disability just weren't issues for me anymore.

Eventually my cups of doubt and exhaustion did overflow, and I quit. I'm here now, living a much different life. And at the very least, all my years of helping people in bad life situations set me up perfectly for my own. I already knew what form to fill out for financial assistance, which student clinics to access for mental health support, and which government agency would, if pressed, cough out pharmacy coverage for the genuinely destitute. It gave me that much.

I hope this is just me being in extraordinary circumstances, sitting at the intersections of a few different shitty life situations that most people skip right past. Because it's on one level comforting, but another deeply infuriating, if I'm not, and I've just missed it or we've just all been too afraid to admit it to each other.

[castiwls]

unexplained cases

Paring; dean x reader

Requested; @walkinthefairygarden

Synopsis; working as an FBI agent means you were more than used to the unusual but even some things drew the line as to strange for you. Little did you know two brothers were also on the case, and this would lead you down a whole new rabbit hole.

Notes; this is the longest thing I've written for tumblr holy. this idea is lowkey so fun tho!! requests are open!

Masterlist

You were used to strange. You’d spent the last few years of your life dealing with any and all cases which were deemed slightly too abnormal for a normal investigation. You’d seen things most of your colleagues could never imagine, hell even you couldn't have imagined some of the things you’d seen. 

Your time working with the FBI had taught you one thing. People were cruel. Sometimes the worst monsters weren't the ones who lived in the pages of an old Brothers Grimm story, sometimes they were your neighbour or sometimes they were your own family.

It wasn’t abnormal for you to be placed on a case which involved situations where people would go out, have fun, get slightly too drunk and disappear off into the night just to be found the next day in an alleyway by an innocent passerby. More often than not if you found yourself receiving the call that the body that had been found was most likely mutilated in a way that would give most people lifelong trauma.

More often than not after looking around for a little and doing some research into past disappearances you would find a pattern in the victims. They were all young blondes or they were all young men between the ages of 19 and 23. That usually led you to the door of the town's new resident killer who got some sick kick out of killing innocent people and mutilating them to ‘leave their mark’.

But in this case. This was different. It had started out normal enough. Victims in alleyways after nights out. They were all mutilated in some way which led you to the belief that yet again, you had a small-town killer trying to make a name for themselves. 

Yet when the bodies began to be autopsided that was when you began to grow confused and…slightly concerned. Nearly all the victims after death had been drained of more the half of their blood and they all had small hole marks on their necks. 

The corner had laughed joking. “Seem’s we have a town vampire.” And you laughed along while staring confused down at the marks. They were nothing you’d seen before. Maybe you simply had a killer with a creative streak but the killings still left an uneasy feeling in your stomach.

✧.*

“Another one?” You let a sigh fall from your lips as you mindlessly chewed on your nail. “That's the fifth one this week.” You frowned slightly sitting back further into your seat. The police chief continued to fill you in on the latest victim as you stared down at your laptop. None of this made any sense. 

You had a killer. You were sure. But who the hell was draining their victims of more the half of their blood? And where the hell was this blood going? “I’ll be there in an hour.” You nodded to yourself before ending the call and pocketing your phone.

Luckily it didn’t take you long to get down to the bar where the victims all seemed to disappear from. The police chief waved you down as you approached, he passed you a file which detailed the latest victim. “I didn’t know you had a partner agent?” He crossed his arms as spoke.

Your eyes paused on the page as you registered his words. “I don’t,” You said looking up from the file. You started at him confused for a moment. “I’m the only one on this case.” The chief stared back at you his eyes narrowing. “Two other agents came around just before you got here. They said they’d been put on the case after the most recent killing.” He waved a hand at you. “They knew who you were…well claiming to.”

“What were their names?” You racked your mind for a minute trying to think of anyone who could have been placed on this case alongside you but your mind came up empty. Plus if anyone was assigned to help you with this you would have been informed.

“Osburne and Butler.” You looked back down to the file in your hand nodding slowly. You’d never heard of agents with those names before. “Are they still here?” You looked around for a moment before looking back to the chief who nodded before pointing to a black car parked a little down the road. 

Thanking him you began to make your way over to the car. Clearing your throat you came to a stop just before the car. The two men quickly turned, clearly shocked by your appearance. Tilting your head you narrowed your eyes. You’d never seen these men in your life. “Osburne and Butler I take it.” 

They both exchanged a quick look before the taller of the two nodded. “Uh. Yes. Is-is everything okay?” His tone was masked as concern but you could sense his slight nervousness from the way he shifted. “Yes everything is fine,” You crossed your arms over your chest. “I’m just wondering why you two think it's funny to pose as FBI agents and walk right onto a crime scene.” You hardened your gaze, watching in slight amusement as the one who had just spoken swallowed looking at his friend for help.

The other man scoffed rolling his eyes at you. “Listen here sweetheart, I don’t know who you think you are but we're not faking anything.” He gestured between him and his friend. “We got put on this case today, you can call our supervisor if you're so bothered.���

You frowned turning your attention to him. “You can’t have been put on this case.” You reached into your pocket pulling out your ID. “Because it’s my case. And in all my time working with the FBI I have never heard of any agents called Osbourne and Butler,” You placed your ID back in your pocket. “And last time I checked they were both pretty old.” 

You watched as the smaller man’s eyes widened at your words. You knew Black Sabbath? 

They both stared at you for a moment before the taller one smiled grabbing onto his partner's arm. “Excuse us for a minute.” You nodded, a quiet huff falling from your lips.

This was the last thing you needed right now. You watched unimpressed as the two seemed to go back and forth for a minute before the taller one turned back to you. He sent you another smile as he came to stand before you. “We’ll talk to our supervisor and find out what happened.” You nodded, looking back at the other man who was currently leaning back against the car. “Alright,” You nodded. 

You bid the two goodbye before walking back towards the bar where you could see the forensic officers beginning to move the body. You frowned to yourself as you looked back down at the file. 

Something about the two ‘agents’ seemed off to you. There was no way you wouldn’t have been informed. You watched as the body was taken away no doubt to the morgue which would be your next stop, though your mind was still stuck on the two men you’d just met.

You were 90% sure they were not agents, but before you acted on your suspicions you had to be sure. There was a low chance they maybe were who they claimed to be and somehow another division had caught wind of the cases and had decided to butt their head in but still never in your career had you seen that happen.

Pulling your phone from your pocket you quickly checked the time. You had more than enough time left to go check the morgue before doing some digging.

✧.*

Your fist banged against the door again for what felt like the hundredth time. It hadn’t taken you long to figure out that there had never been any agents with the names Osbourne and Butler. It also hadn’t taken you long to find a case from a few years ago that involved another strange span of killings which had ended with the killer supposedly dead. 

Just as you raised your fist again the door suddenly swung open. The man’s eyes widened slightly as he stared at you. He opened his mouth but you quickly cut him off raising a finger. “Dean Winchester. Right?” You smiled sweetly at the man who simply gapped at you for a moment.

He stared at you for a moment before shaking his head. “No. Like we said yesterday, we got put on this case just like you did alright? Now I’d appreciate it if you didn’t show up unannounced.” He sent you a small smirk. “If you really have an issue take it up with your supervisor.” 

You pursed your lips nodding. “Really?” You held up a file watching his face drop slightly. “Because this says, different Dean.” 

You pushed the file you’d been holding into his hands, crossing your arms over your chest. “According to this, you died a few years back. Yet. You look pretty alive to me.” 

Dean looked down at the file before looking back up at you. “This.” He waved the file. “Was a misunderstanding.” He glanced down the hallway seemingly relieved seeing that you were alone. “How did you find us.” He asked crossing his arms over his chest.

You could tell by his body language that he didn’t trust you. The way he glared at you was enough to tell you that he was less than friendly. Though you couldn’t deny the slight pull you felt towards him. 

You’d noticed him back at the bar but had kept a professional facade knowing that you had bigger problems. Though now being closer to him you finally were able to get a good look at the man and it only confirmed your thoughts from before. He was very attractive.

“That doesn’t matter. I’m more concerned about why you and your brother are pretending to work for the FBI.” You tilted your head as you questioned him. Dean rolled his eyes moving to lean against the doorway. “Well. Like you sweetheart, we were also doing our job.” He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. You narrowed your eyes thinking for a moment. “Your job?” 

He nodded a small smirk growing on his lips. “What job could you possibly have which would require breaking the law.” Just as he opened his mouth to respond the trill of a phone ringing. Reaching into your pocket you pulled out your phone a small sigh leaving your lips as you noticed the caller's ID. “Again.” You mumbled exasperated before sliding your finger across the screen. 

Taking a step back from the doorway you watched as Dean’s gaze softened slightly. He stepped to the side before gesturing for you to come into the room. Furrowing your brows you stood for a moment, listening as the police chief began talking about yet another kill. 

Deciding he seemed relatively harmless you took his offer. When you’d first come you’d been under the opinion that Dean Winchester may have been your killer, and his hostile attitude upon seeing you had only furthered that belief. Yet getting another phone call while he was standing before you made you begin to rethink your original suspicions. 

Taking a seat on one of the beds you sighed. “Two victims,” Dean closed the door before moving to stand a few feet from you. “Alright. I’ll be there in an hour.” You ended the call before groaning. Two victims completely threw your pattern off. 

You looked around the room for a moment as you spoke before a thought hit you. Dean hadn’t been alone yesterday and you’d read on his file that he had a brother. “Where’s your brother?” You looked back over to the man who was watching you from his spot.

“He’s getting food.” Dean shrugged. “So two more victims huh.” He pushed. You nodded. “Yea. Why do you care anyway? What are you some kind of true crime fanatic.” He laughed quietly shaking his head.

“Oh no. It’s a bit more complicated.” He came to sit beside you, passing the file back. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t mention the whole me not being dead to your boss.” You pursed your lips. “Why would I do that?” 

Dean Winchester being alive was very strange to you, but it wasn’t your issue. “Because we can help each other.” 

Dean gestured between you both. You stared at him confused for a moment. You needed to solve this case, and soon. Too many people were dying and you still had little to no leads on who it could possibly be that was committing these crimes. You thought it over for a moment. You were breaking so many rules even being here. You should have reported this to your supervisor straight away but you’d been curious. 

“Me and my brother, we deal with stuff like this all the time. We can help but I need you to promise not to try and shoot me if I tell you what we actually do for a living, alright?” 

✧.*

Working with the Winchesters was… interesting. 

You really hadn’t thought your life could get any stranger, yet here you were staring down at the bodies of three men. Turns out Sam and Dean Winchester had actually not been FBI agents and instead they spent their time traversing around the country killing ‘monsters.’

You initially laughed in Dean’s face calling him crazy before attempting to leave but he’d been quick to stop you. He’d then sat you down and pretty much showed you every piece of evidence they had to suggest that these killings were far from normal.

“A vampire?” You stared at him astounded as he simply nodded. “Yes. And most likely a werewolf. The killings line up.”

You’d not want to believe him but part of you after looking at the evidence knew he had a point. And so that had sent you down a spiral over the last week where you’d learnt of things that you’d only ever known about in your nightmares.

After that, the three of you quickly began comparing notes on the case. In doing this you’d quickly come to find at least three possible culprits. Each of the men had been seen in the club the night of the killings and they were always seen leaving with someone.

You’d surprisingly found yourself beginning to enjoy the company of the two. You normally worked alone during your cases and had always found that you’d worked better alone but during the last few days, you’d found that you actually enjoyed working with others.

Over the last two days, you’d always found yourself steadily growing closer and closer to the older of the two men. Dean Winchester was someone who you’d originally planned to keep at an arm's distance, but that plan quickly fell away.

You’d found yourself spending most of your time interviewing witnesses with him while Sam had stayed back going over your notes.

“Thank you, we’ll be in touch.” You smiled at the older woman as she said her own goodbyes before closing the door. Dean let out a breath as you walked down the porch steps towards his car. 

“You still think it could be her son?” You stopped beside the car to face him. Dean crossed his arms nodding slowly. “Yeah. Vamps don’t have to be born. The guy could have been bitten she’d be none the wiser.” 

You nodded pulling your lip between your teeth. “Okay. We got our guy.” A wave of relief ran through you as you stood there. For the first time in the case, it seemed like you finally had a strong lead who you were all sure was the killer.

Everything lined up. Now all you had to do was catch the guy. Dean reached into his pocket pulling his keys out. “We should go get Sam before heading to the bar. If he follows his pattern our guy should be there.” 

✧.*

“So. Case closed I guess.” You mumbled looking down at the body. Sam nodded from his spot opposite you. “Yeah.” You reached into your pocket pulling out your phone. You looked between the two.

“I’m gonna need to call this in, you two should probably disappear before the cops get here.” You smiled at the two. Sam nodded before looking over to his brother who was still looking down at the body. “How are you gonna explain this?” He asked pushing a hand into his pocket. 

“Suicide.” You gestured to the body. “Guy went mad, killed people and then couldn’t live with himself.” You shrugged. “It's more common than you’d think.” 

“Thank you. I don’t think I would have been able to do this without your help.” You rubbed a hand behind your neck before turning to Dean. “I’ll make sure your file disappears, just try and not get framed for another murder.” You teased slightly making the two men chuckle.

“I’ll try.” Dean grinned, his gaze settling on you. Over the last few days, you’d noticed the way he looked at you had changed. At first, he’d been hesitant, he’d always looked at you with a sceptical eye as if he was ready for you to flip on them at any moment but over time he’d realised that maybe you actually did want their help.

Maybe you really weren't going to lead him into a trap. And with that realisation, the way he looked at you had softened. He’d let himself become more comfortable in your presence. The way he looked at you now was different again. There was no lie that you felt something towards him. 

You’d resigned yourself to the fact that he was just another one of your passing crushes. You’d finish the case and he’d move on. Yet looking at him now you could swear he looked slightly disappointed.

“I’m gonna go wait in the car. I’ll see you there.” Sam nodded at his brother before sending you another smile and walking away. You both watched him go for a moment before you turned to Dean.

Dean didn’t say anything as he turned back to face you. He swallowed before raising a hand. “I guess I better let you call this in before someone sees us.” He rubbed a hand against the back of his neck before he turned and began walking away.

You stood for a moment before beginning to follow him “Dean. Wait.” At your voice, he paused turning to face you. You stopped a few feet from him before taking a breath. You slowly stepped closer until your chests were practically touching. 

You heard his breath hitch as he stared down at you, his lips parting slightly. Pushing yourself up you connected your lips with his. His hand wrapped around your waist as your own went to his head. 

His thumb rubbed circles against your waist as he slowly pulled back. A slight blush covered your cheeks as you panted softly. “Hey. Why don’t you come with us?” Dean whispered moving a hand to brush against your cheek.

“What?” You gasped, furrowing your brows as you looked at him. His eyes had lit up slightly at the idea and he smiled resting his forehead against yours. “Think about it alright. We’ll stick around for two more days and if you decide you wanna come with…you know where we’ll be.” He pressed his lips against yours again for a moment before pulling back. 

You frowned slightly watching him disappear around the corner before your attention turned back to the body. Pulling out your phone you found the chief's number before pressing call. As it rang you found yourself nervously chewing on your nail.

You felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. Stay here and continue working for the FBI and leave behind a man who you were very much falling in love with or take his offer and discover a whole new world.

[loveandleases]

"Say you want me" For cam 👀

Hey~ It's been so long since I've done a prompt. Thought this prompt list was a good way to get back into it, Below the cut~ (Going to go with college Cam and MC here. This got kinda long...)

“Are you coming or not?" His voice is hushed, as he stares at you from the opposite side of a chain link fence.

You don't know why you followed him out tonight, you don't know why he's this drunk. You shared a beer and a half, now finding yourself running from a frat party.

He always gets, for lack of a better word, brave when he's had a drink. 

"Cameron Clarke, get the fuck back here!" 

The voice shakes you out of your thoughts as you hear the footsteps getting closer.

You panic slightly, finally climbing over the fence. When on the other side, your eyes meet that of Laron, social chair of Sigma Chi.

You feel your hand being gripped and pulled before your brain can catch up, your lungs burning as Cam leads you across the street making twists and turns around buildings, a few stray college kids having one last hurrah before the upcoming graduation.

You finally come to a halt, bending over to catch your breath. Your heart pounding hard in your chest.

Cam's laughter is just a reminder of the night, one of the last few before you start this next chapter of your lives. 

 Cam already secured an apartment for himself. Nestled in the city, not too far from your aunt's house. "Just in case she needs me." 

You can't help but smile at the sentiment, knowing that's not the only reason Cam will be living in that area.

He finally stops laughing, sitting down on the cold concrete between the two buildings you find yourselves standing near. 

"That was amazing. I've never seen you climb so fast. Not even when Auntie's dog tried to get your candy bar."

You shove him as you sit beside him, leaning your head back and closing your eyes, letting your heart calm down.

"What the hell did you do to get them so mad?" You turn to look at Cam, finding he is already looking at you.

His eyes widen, his cheeks red, must be from the running. At least that's what you tell yourself. He clears his throat, but scoots closer to you. Shoulder to shoulder, and hip to hip. His scent is one that's familiar and comforting.

You swallow hard, must be thirsty from the run. At least that's what you tell yourself. 

Cam takes his phone and holds it close so you can see. 

"What? It's just a picture of us from finals week."

"Look closer." He instructs, leaning closer into you if that is even possible. 

You scan the photo. Cam and you stand outside the library looking as if you hadn't slept for a week. Which is quite possible considering how hard you studied for your last exams. Cam's arm wrapped around your shoulder his head leaning against yours smiling ear to ear. Yet you notice he wasn't looking at the camera, instead looking at you.

"Geez, right there look." Cam's voice interrupts your thoughts as you follow his finger to the corner of the photo.

You squint slightly but sure enough, it's Laron and...who is he kissing...wait...holy.

"No way!?" You say rearing back to turn to Cam, whose eyes were staring somewhere close to your lips. You don't miss the dimple on his cheek, the way his heterochromatic eyes look along the lines of your face.

"Yeah, Professor Flynn. I pulled my phone out and he saw it earlier, and said he was going to delete the photo. So I punched him and ran."

Your eyes widen looking to the phone and back to Cam. He was always protective of the photos he took. Didn't matter what the quality was or if it was good enough. To him, they were important, memories. 

"You punched him?"

Cam smiled his eyes crinkled and nodded before leaning it on your shoulder. "I couldn't let him delete a part of us. I don't care who he's making out with. Maybe next time don't get in my photo."

A part of..us? 

When you don't say anything Cam looks up at you, your face inches away from each other. His hand reaches to your cheek, wiping under your eye gently. 

Subconsciously your eyes close, and you lean your face against his hand, against his warmth. His finger stalls, just long enough for you to notice. 

To notice you leaning in, his breath warm against your face. Long enough for you to pull away if you want. Yet, you don't.

It's the alcohol. Your lips part slightly. He hesitates. looking over your face. Hesitates, just long enough.

But you barely drank. Your breath catches in your throat.

It's the alcohol. His lips press against yours, warm, and soft. 

Lips that have told you the secrets of his life, the secrets he buries deep in his heart. Lips that have supported you every time, every step.

You grab his wrist, clinging to him. Returning the kiss tenfold. He moans a sweet sound. An alluring sound. 

You don't stop as his tongue flicks against your own. Asking for permission. Asking for acceptance. And you grant it easily, as your back presses against the building. His hand slid to your hip, holding you tight.

He pulls away, and you force yourself to hold back a whine. Opening your eyes you look at him. His are heavy with want, with desire. 

"Say you want me." It's quiet, meek in a way. You could hear his voice quiver when he said it.

You look at him, truly look at the man before you. "I.."

"Clarke!" 

You both turn frozen, seeing Laron turning the corner and staring at you. Fuck, this is not going to be good.

It was the alcohol.

[ebonysplendor]

Prescription: LOVE (Demo) Review👨‍⚕️💊

TL;DR: I've got a head injury? I'm gonna need a doctor! How's my memory been? It's been fine. Wait, what? I've got a head injury? I'm gonna need a doctor! How's my memory been? It's been fine. Wait, what? I've got a head injury? I'm gonna need a doctor!

Game Link: https://livingslime.itch.io/prescriptionlove

Notable Features: Self-Insert, Yandere LI, gender neutral language, 2 endings Spiciness: 0/5 -- Don't get me wrong, it's not wholesome either, but this is the type of LI that'll make you say "But daddy, I love him!" even though something is clearly off. LI Red Flags: 2/5 -- Gaslighter, obsessive tendencies, overly "medicating" us DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. HE'S SO SWEET. I CAN FIX HIM.

Wanna know more? Well, let's get into it!

Okay, not gonna lie, this review is long overdue, because I played this like...maybe 3 or 4 days after the initial drop, and here I am, like, 3 weeks later lmao.

Um...okay, you know what? I'm-- I'm not gonna push myself to write an intro this time lol. I mean, since when is it ever good to push yourself? ...Sometimes, the answer is sometimes, but you should never push yourself too hard, ya know? ...I'm getting off track.

I guess I could start by saying how I found this game on a total accident, and holy shit, am I glad that I found this game regardless. It was damn good, and...honestly, a little unnerving at times. Like, I'll tell you more about it later, but let me tell you, one part in particular had me genuinely spooked.

Anyways, before I get too far into my yap session, I'm going to go ahead and tell you about the game -- with as little spoilers as possible, of course. I mean, how would you be motivated to play the game otherwise unless I leave just enough suspense and mystery? Exactly, so allow me a moment to set the scene, and let's get into it.

So, boom.

We wake up...somewhere.

No, like you don't get it. Logically, it's like, duh, hospital, but we have a whole ass IV in our arm, a splitting headache, and it's almost painfully obvious that our memory took a hit, because we don't remember damn near anything, you feel me? We have, what is essentially, a hole where our memories are supposed to be, and the memories that we do have are so fragmented that they doesn't make any sense. Like...what the hell happened, ya know?

At this point, we're making things worse, because we're trying to force ourselves to remember something -- anything -- and our brain is just like "Mmm...nah. How about we panic, though? Let's do that instead." So, we do. We start feeling really anxious because it's like, how do we go from remembering everything one moment, blink, and then just...virtually no memories at all? Like, nothing? Like, we can't even recognize what a hospital looks like or even is.

"Hey, hey, it's okay".

Huh?

Oh! Oh, hello~! Could this be our boyfriend? Fiancé? Husband~?

"I'm Dr. Anselm."

I mean...he didn't say that he wasn't our husband, ya know? :3 Okay, wait, wait, no, stop, don't distract me. Let me get back on track.

Anyways, this tall gentleman helped us regain control of our nerves and informed us that we were perfectly safe and were currently in a hospital. Dr. Anselm basically told us that he has been overseeing our care and that he was the one in charge of our surgery.

...Wait, our fucking what?!

Before we get too freaked out, though, he tells us that we had some kind of accident that involved blunt force to our head which naturally caused a traumatic brain injury. He then tells us that, when we were brought it by the paramedics, we were in need of an emergency operation in order for us to live. Oh, and we had been asleep for two days straight. Well damn...

Imagine not remembering what you even ate for breakfast yesterday -- well, two days ago -- and this random man who claims to be a doctor comes out of the woodwork and tells you that you had brain surgery. If I could just reiterate once more...what the hell happened?!

Even still, admittedly, Dr. Anselm is being super gentle about the whole thing, and it's bringing a good amount of comfort and security, like everything is going to end up okay; he's even going to let us call our family to let them know that we've pulled through and that we're safe...even though, it's a bit off that no one's visited to start with.

No matter though, because it's past curfew anyways, and Dr. Anselm is adamant that we should rest first and call tomorrow. Fair enough. Rest is a part of recovery after all, and we'd rather get our memories back sooner versus later, not to mention that we actually are a little tired. Lmao, now here's when the issues start coming in...

See, we managed to fall asleep, but then the creak of the door woke us up. Now, at first, we're like "Meh, probably the nurses checking in or whatever", but the issue is, remember when I was like we felt a sense of comfort and security from Dr. Anselm? Lmao, this shit was far from comfortable, let alone safe. So, we make the mistake of we look at the door, and in the gap --

Lmao nah, ain't no way. We're hallucinating.

BRO, AIN'T NO FUCKING WAaaaAAAaAaAaaAAaY. WE ARE NOT HALLUCINA-- DoCTOr ANSEeEEeEEEeeeELM!!!!

Bro, we hit that call button so fast, but that thing also ran off just as fast before Dr. Anselm came rushing in. So, naturally, now we look like we're experiencing the side effect of delulu, because we're trying to explain that we saw something that was clearly not there, but it's like...bro, no, we know what the fuck we saw! Like, dude, please do something!

As always, Dr. Anselm's being super sweet and promised that he'd look into it and get someone to check the security cameras. He encourages us to try to go back to sleep so we don't disrupt our recovery, and, oddly enough, we're able to, even after that.

The next morning, comes along, and Dr. Anselm let's us call our folks, like promised, but...no answer. Hurtful, but okay. Dr. Anselm, also like promised, tells us that they checked the security cameras, and there was no one watching us from the door. Great. So, now we're two for two in this bitch. Perfect.

Still, leave it to Dr. Anselm to help us feel better, though, so it doesn't weigh on us too much for too long. He really is our knight in shining...lab coat.

Even though, with all that medicine he's been giving us...

Not to mention, we had this vividly weird dream...

And, sometimes, there's these weird little flickers in his expression when we ask certain questions or say certain things...

Is Dr. Anselm really trying to help us? Or...

...is it benefitting him that we don't know what happened to us?

Then again...

Nah, that's kind've delulu to think. He's done nothing but try to prioritize our health and recovery. We're safe. We can trust him. It the doctor's orders, after all, and he'd know what's best for us.

4 words: I CAN FIX HIM.

No, no, no, no, no, hear me out! I can fix this one! Like, the red flags are there, but I can FIX him! Is he the one that caused us to have a traumatic brain injury? Maybe. Is he over-medicating us? Possibly. Am I gonna overlook all of that? Absolutely. I mean, who cares that I have an intense suspicion that we're not actually in a hospital and that we're just in a basement that's staged to look like a hospital. Who hasn't played doctor before? I ain't gonna fault this man for trying to heal his inner child and playing pretend. Like, honestly? Good for him.

Okay, but no, enough of that. This...was really good! It physically hurts me that this game is not done yet, but I am so excited that this game isn't done yet, because I am anticipating the hell out of what is next to come. The developer really has a strong foundation, and I can only imagine how they're going to build on it.

The pacing is a little slow, but it's not a bad slow! It's literally seeping us into the story, and I honestly feel like the pacing could not have been executed any better than it has been. This flowed exactly how I feel a demo or prologue or intro or whatever you wanna call it should. I just know that whenever there's an update, shit is going to start getting real, and I cannot wait for that!

Let's talk about the environment/atmosphere...ooh bitch. Let me just say this, I can watch all of the horror movies in the world and be totally fine. I can watch let's plays of horror games and read scary stories...but I cannot be in the situation myself. Haunted houses/trails? Playing horror games myself? Shit scares me out of my soul. That being said, that part where it was talking about being watched through the crack of the door? Chills. Fucking chills. I don't know what it was, because that's not anything revolutionary, especially in these yandere games, but for some reason, the way that the dev executed it just hit different. And the art! Like did you see the CG?! Lmao nah, nah, let me remind you. Actually, let me zoom in on it.

Like, what the fuck is thaaaaaaaaat?! (╥ᯅ╥)

I didn't mention this, because I was narrating/summarizing, but I had genuine fear tears when I read through it the first time, and it was somehow worse when I had to grab and attach the screenshots and type through that part. Like, I HATE shit like this, bro! Like, just make it obvious! Don't put faces and figures and shit like that in the darkness and barely out of view to the point where you can't see it unless you focus on it!

I was literally squinting my eyes and reading fast as shit because I wanted to read it, but I wanted to get through it and away from this scene, but I also wanted to prep myself for a possible jumpscare. Like, developer. De-ve-lo-per. Pop off. This part was so good, and I loved/hated every second.

I'm doing that yap thing that I do again, so I'm going to save you from the rest of my ramblings and start winding down. If you do not already have this downloaded and ready to play, you have got to do that expeditiously. I am telling you, I know I say this about a lot of these visual novels, but this is one that I absolutely cannot allow you to miss out on. This one is so good! Just don't get too invested, because it's just a demo. I suggest going to the game's page, putting your pride aside, and beg for an update as soon as possible -- respectfully, of course. It should be common sense, but don't harass the dev for an update ... but damn, do I hope they come through with an update soon. Very soon. Tomorrow actually...today.

Anyways, here's the link. Go download it, and tell the dev that your life is theirs, because I'm honestly contemplating starting a cult in their honour. I'll sacrifice the nearest weeb for two extra lines of reading material in this visual novel. I'm serious. I'm yapping again...

Okay, anyways! Ending it for realsies this time. Again, I highly recommend giving this game a playthrough. Here's the link to the game page and download...again. If you're able to donate to the cause, donate to the cause, as I'm sure the dev would seriously appreciate the monetary support. Oh! And just as a "pro"-but-not-really-tip: for right now, the choices are more of an "illusion of choice". The endings will be worded the same no matter what, so there's no extra dialogue or CGs, or secret options, or anything like that. It'll just be dialogue pertaining to that specific answer choice at that specific time, and then it's not brought up or mentioned again after it's done.

And...that's it! Lol I'm finally done yapping. Big preesh for getting this far! Please remember to drink water, don't be dumb, and hope to see you around~!

Prescription: LOVE (Demo)

[ruexarchive]

"Do me a favour and never talk to her again, Got it?"

Possessive! Draken x gn! reader

Rating: 16+

summary: it only started when I guy took an interest in you, but Draken wasn't taking that shit...

warnings: fluff + cussing + sexual implications

"I'm telling you, girl, Kaito has been staring at you all week. You have to talk to him!" A good friend of mine, Kuki, we were walking towards the school gates. Finally living the hell we called school. Though I had told her I had a boyfriend she still wouldn't believe me because I never showed her a picture let alone said what his name was. But he was a very private person and he was a gang member. "come on you know I have a boyfriend, and I'm not interested." "yeah you keep saying that but I'm starting to think he doesn't exist.." "hey, y/n can we talk for a bit?" "holy crap!" Kaito scared the living shit out of me, I wasn't expecting him to jump out from behind me. "oh sorry for scaring you beautiful" "ohh shit he called you beautiful, his definitely into you" Kuki whispered in my ear But I wasn't focused on what she was saying, I was trying to find my voice and reply to him. "um no it's okay. what did you want to talk to me about?" Kaito led me away from Kuki to a more secluded area. "I was wondering if you wanted to watch this new movie that came out a few days ago on Saturday?" He was staring right at me. "oh, I'm not sure if-" I couldn't finish my sentence when I spotted my boyfriend. Shit what was he doing here, I told him to wait outside if he was going to pick me up. "hey baby, I've been waiting for what feels like hours." he walked right beside me and kissed me on my cheek. "oh sorry, I hadn't realised it'd been that long." I chuckled trying to ignore Kaito staring daggers into me. "And you are?" Kaito turned to Draken feeling a bit threatened by the dragon tattoo on the side of his head. He ignored him and leaned into my ear and whispered "who's this?" "He's in one of my classes" I whispered back to him "We're gonna be late for the meeting, we should go." This time he wasn't whispering. Kaito was getting visibly irritated by the fact he decided to ignore him completely. Ken grabbed my hand, leading me towards the parking lot "Hey wait!" kaito yelled as we walked away "Yeah?" I turned my head around to face him. "Saturday?" kaito looked pretty desperate "she can't she's busy. Do me a favour and never talk to her again, Got it?" He didn't even bother to turn to Kaito just kept walking his hand interlocked with mine. I had already turned my head away from Kaito by then.

"he has some nerve talking to you, much less asking you out on a date." Draken looked pretty pissed yet he had a huge smirk on his face, staring down at me. "what's that smirk for huh?" "wanna go to a motel after the meeting?" I knew exactly what he was implying but I decided to play dumb, it was much more fun that way. "I don't understand why do you wanna go to a motel?" He didn't even answer me, just gave me a look I wouldn't make out. I didn't say anything so I just turned to him and kissed him on the cheek But he grabbed my face and kissed me hard on the lips. His so fucking demanding... But fuck I love him. He grinned and signalled me to get onto his bike. I held onto him by the shoulders. He made a clicking noise with his tongue which showed a sign of disapproval, so I moved my hands down to his waist. He was holding back a little smile, trying to keep his tough persona.

Author's notes:

I just wanted to say thank you so much for the support on my latest posts.

[usedpidemo]

a tale of two (concert) halves... (storytime!)

I've made it clear over the past few updates that my real life struggles have really backed us into a corner. If the first half of 2024 was on hard difficulty, the second half has so far been on brutal. Personal relationships are falling apart, our physical health has been going through hell, and our finances are struggling to keep up with ever increasing debts. As much as I am a man of faith, I do struggle with maintaining such devout trust on the daily, because I am afraid of the worst.

But even during these tough times, it's comforting to know I won't be left for dead, and I can still find enjoyment in them.

Not gonna lie, I thought I would never attend a concert this year. IVE was coming back after a little over a year, but I didn't have money for it (and is something I still struggle to move on from). ITZY was coming back less than eight months when I saw them, but no Lia, and the ticket selling was insanely early (fuck you Live Nation). The only other girl group I think came here was fromis_9, which I still would love to see, but that was for a festival, so the setlist was extremely limited—and it was during finals week, so that was not gonna happen. There's just been an overall downturn of concerts compared to last year, so whether or not this is a good thing, you decide. (Seriously, no aespa, no (G)I-DLE, no NMIXX, etc.)

However—here comes Red Velvet, one of the holy trinity of 3rd gen girl groups (TwicePinkVelvet), celebrating their 10th anniversary with an Asia tour. By some miracle, I got a stimulus check two months ahead of my birthday, and yet it was still a hard decision, because I wasn't sure if other girl groups would also tour near the end of the year. Looking at what's to come for the last quarter of the year, I highly doubt it and 2025 is sure to be stacked, so it all paid off in retrospect.

It was a completely different experience than the first two outings. For one, it was fucking standing floor over seated, so I knew my body would be put through the torture rack. Second was the unpredictability of where I would end up—thankfully it wasn't first come first serve where I would be forced to camp early (which by the way, concert campers are disgusting and should be arrested). Still, my positioning would depend on my queuing number (which in itself was dependent on when you would buy your ticket, and obviously unless you got into the site as soon as it loaded up, the earlier), and while it wasn't completely shit—it still meant that a majority would get their preferred spot over mines.

Cut to the actual concert day and it was a tale of two halves. The first was the pre-concert, which wasn't all bad at the start—but then there was the queuing before entering the venue. I could have easily waited and taken my sweet time exploring and doing other shit, but I was pressured to queue early out of fear of not getting a good spot. I forgot that since it was queuing numbers, they would rearrange the line anyway, so I never really had a chance lmao. I really shot myself in the foot quite literally by adding an extra two hours standing around.

Everyone in VIP was given a bonus member card, and I didn't end up getting my bias. I tried bartering with other fans, but I absolutely failed. To add insult to injury, everyone else were able to trade and/or get theirs, so that fucking sucks.

It was also the first time I was forced to wear some kind of noise control for my ears. Didn't really have earplugs but Airpods were certainly a nice alternative. Fucking hell—this was the loudest of the three crowds I've ever been a part of, and it doesn't help that the audience would screech and shout out of tune. It was so goddamn annoying. Then you get to the ments/speeches, and they would just fucking bark and make monkey noises while the members were talking, and after performances. I counted a total of 12-14 times this happened throughout, and it never got any better. If the members weren't encouraging the audience, I'd probably have socked someone in the nose out of annoyance at some point.

As for the overall concert itself, I had a blast! I'm not that familiar with Red Velvet's colorful discography, but they performed most of their hits and title tracks (ripperoni Russian Roulette and Chill Kill). Not only that, but the set ran for almost 3 hours (2 hours 50 minutes as they did start like 10 minutes past schedule), and the energy persisted all throughout. Wendy was constantly flaunting her vocals, but Joy. Joy was absolutely fucking insane. Also, the fucking Zimzalabim encore is something everyone needs to experience once in their lifetime.

I wish I could say the pain was all worth it—but of course, life being life, it decides to fuck with me one more fucking time with the middle finger. After the show ended, we were all told to stay in our spots for the send-off event as everyone else were escorted out and the raffle winners from lower seating tiers were pulled in. We waited for 40 minutes, and then the members come out. It should be a cool moment! Except they were led by staff straight to the extended stage for a bit and then they'd get off, completely neglecting the sides, where me and a few others were. They would eventually go around the venue, but by the time we realized what has happening, it was too late—we never got to see them up close properly.

I'll be honest, while I don't feel as bothered thinking about it a few days on, when it happened, it almost ruined the entire experience for me. The organizers/staff had misdirected us and didn't organize properly, so some of us got a lesser experience than those who won the raffle, which is worse for us since we paid more. The send-off treatment here was way—way worse than in Bangkok and Jakarta, and it fucking pisses me off. We can't have shit in this country. I don't blame the girls for it; they were just following instructions and they had a flight to catch shortly after (not to mention they were tired as fuck). Still, the fact I paid so much for that underwhelming send-off experience just reinforces my opinion that hi-touches are simply better. At least everyone gets a fair shot, even if it was very brief. You can't win them all, I guess. I also do believe that it was bound to happen, the first two experiences were near-perfect and flawless in execution, so something had to give to bring me back down to earth.

Nevertheless, even if for just a few hours, it's nice to find some comfort and enjoyment despite the world around me crumbling down. To think that they're 10 years on and still as active as their younger contemporaries in K-pop is astounding. I can see why they're among the most beloved girl groups ever; there's only a handful with equal the talent and discography to match. This was also my first outing with a new camera, and when it was hitting, the shots were fucking hitting.

I really wish Bamboleo was part of the set tho.

[iisasarcasticlittleshite]

Atsumu Miya said it!

(CW: Swearing)

The day's bullshit weighed heavy on your weary shoulders as you forced yourself to go buy groceries before running home to tuck yourself in for the night.

You loved your job, really you did, but dear fuckery did it occasionally smack you in the face with a day from hell, you could barely keep track of the essentials you needed while cursing yourself for not shopping in advance.

Your phone exploding with texts every two minutes does not help.

After six different texts came in, you relented, rubbing at your eyes as you pulled the damn thing out of you pocket.

10 new messages from:

Miya: The Blonde One.

You groaned, and didn't care about the funny looks you got from the cashier as you set your things down on the rolling carpet, hitting the call button as you couldn't be bothered to text him back.

He answered in seconds.

"Finally! I've been textin' ya forever!"

Rolling your eyes, you made sure the happy leap of your traitorous heart didn't show in your voice. 'I only just got off work, shithead.'

"That was a whole twenty minutes ago! Thought ye'd died'r somethin' asshole!'

You and Atsumu had met two years ago, and had somehow ended up with the kind of friendship where swear words have become pet names. He'd clicked into your life like he'd always been there, two years felt like ten.

Now if you're hopeless heart would stop summersaulting every time you thought of him, like would be great.

You held the phone to your shoulder as the cashier scanned your items so you could load them up. 'You can hold off on crying your eyes out over me, I'm fine. Just had to pick some stuff up on the way home.'

"Too late, already started grieving." You can just imagine him throwing his hand over his heart with "tears" in his eyes. "So when ya gettin' home?"

'I dunno, ten minutes?'

"Sounds like ya know."

'Piss off I'm tired.'

"Yeah yeah, gotta go, later!"

You frowned at the screen as the call cut off suddenly. That was by far the shortest phone call you'd ever had with the national setter. Atsumu could talk the ears off an elephant.

The cashier told you your told, utterly indifferent to your divided attention even as you smiled sheepishly in apology for not greeting her verbally.

As you hauled your things back to the car, you considered calling him back, instead sitting in your car and scrolling through ten lines of utter nonsense texts to try and get your attention. Emoji's, random factoids, just your name repeated several times.

Yup, Atsumu was bored.

Smiling to yourself, you started the car, only to be greeted by the playlist he made you. 90% of it is songs you like, but the rest is purely there to annoy you. Meaning at any one time there's a chance you'll start your engine to Baby Shark.

This time it was a good one, leaving you smiling as you drove yourself home.

Quietly tired, you trudged up to your front door, eyes down as you slid your keys into the door, throwing your keys on the table in the hall on your way in, sliding off your shoes.

You padded to the kitchen, set down your shopping, considered crawling straight into bed as you sluggishly trudged through the living room.

All fatigue flew out of you as you pushed open the bedroom door, and found yourself yelping in surprise at the sight of an Olympic setter on your fucking bed, spread out with a bowl of grapes beside him like the queen of Sheba.

'Holy fuck Atsumu!'

Smug menace didn't miss a beat. 'You could knock, ya know?'

'Bitch, it's my house!' You wailed, clutching your now racing heart as you slowly came to realise- 'Wait, you're not supposed to be here!'

'Yeah yeah it's your house I heard ya.' Atsumu drawled, casually tossing another grape into his mouth. 'Have some grapes, s'good.'

'Atsumu, you are supposed to be in a different country right now!'

He'd told you himself about the away game in this week, a very long flight away.

The setter shrugged, but his cheeks were starting to gain some colour, making you immediately suspicious. 'I came back early. Used your spare key to get in so don't go lookin' for any broken locks or anythin'.'

'Did something happen?' You wondered as he sat up on the edge of your bed and you moved to sit beside him, curious.

'Nah, just missed ya is all.'

You arched a brow at that. You'd like to think that you know exactly when Atsumu's bullshitting, you've developed a sixth sense for it.

That, did not sound like bullshit. His eyes had darted away from you as he said it, ears turning pink among the thick blonde tresses of his hair.

'Uh huh...' You murmured, looking for words.

'Uh huh? That's all ya gotta say?' He wailed, affronted.

'No! You just put me on the spot!'

'Well figure it out, Shakespeare! I'm pourin' mah heart out here!'

'You call saying you missed me pouring your heart out?'

'If it ain't ya outta show me how it's done!' He huffed, folding his arms across that broad chest, so damn sure you wouldn't call his bluff.

Little did he know, you were sleep deprived, your patience at its end, and your budget for giving a fuck well and truly depleted.

'I hate seeing you leave. Every time you go it feels like the world's turned grey.'

Atsumu did a double take, head snapping back to face you so fast you thought he'd get whiplash.

But you aren't done.

'No one's ever made my name sound as good as you do when you say it, even when you're using it to annoy the shit outta me. You could tell me you'd made the worst mistake ever and I'd still think you were perfect. That Shakespeare enough for you?'

Atsumu's mouth was agape, eyes wide, blinking helplessly at you. That doe-eyed look, it was as if you'd hung the stars in the sky as you said every word while never once tearing your gaze from his.

You smiled gently, taking your finger to his chin to close his mouth for him. 'I'm taking a shower. You figure out your head, Miya.'

'Oh no you don't!'

Before you could so much as lift yourself from the bed, Atsumu was tackling you back onto your own sheets, his athlete's frame engulfing you as he pinned you desperately searching out your eyes.

'Tell me you mean all that.' He pleaded, eyes searching yours for even the slightest hint that you were joking. 'Tell me...tell me you love me.'

You peered up at him, your heart now at a gallop as if it could run and crash through your ribs, reaching desperately for him. Your voice was soft, as if you'd shatter if you spoke your feelings too loudly. No going back now.

'I love you.'

All at once, Atsumu's face lit up with a grin to put the world to shame, but you barely got to enjoy basking in his joy as he was suddenly kissing you, kissing you like it was the first and last time he'd ever get the chance.

He stole the air from your lungs as you chased the softness of him again and again, burying your fingers in the bleached blonde waves, keeping him hopelessly close.

He sighed happily when you finally allowed him breath, but he didn't go far, gently bumping his nose against yours. 'You know this means I win, right?'

'Is that so?'

'Obviously. I made you say it first.'

'Asshole.'

[green-cinnamon-stick]

Louis De Pointe Du Lac: A Study on Memory

Okay this started off as me berating myself for watching "I Could Not Prevent It" before work. And devolved into revelations. So enjoy my sleep deprived ramblings. Spoilers ahead for S2.

Okay why the fuck did I watch this episode knowing I have a week of hell at work ahead of me? Because now I'm spiraling going through the tag on Twitter. There is SO much nuance added to Loustat. And after hours upon hours of the manipulation that is Loumand, to finally have Loustat again is driving me mad. Because we got them back but at what cost? This isn't them and because so much of Paris is laced with Armand, it's hard to tell what's real from what we think is real. Hell Armand said the very same. But I don't mean the obviously not real elements like the trial. I mean the times Lestat breaks character, but instead of adding to what Louis told us, it's almost a complete rewrite. Which brings into question how unstable Louis' mind actually is. Louis who is attentive and consistently praises Daniel for his memory. Daniel who is not a spring chicken and had a very serious drug addiction for almost a decade. The man whose memory shouldn't be as intact as it is. Why does he recall more than the vampire who's supposed to be better than humans. Yes time warps things but complete rewrites? Is Louis' brain and memory that fragile or is this more manipulation from Armand? Which also begs the question, how much is Armand doctoring Louis' memory? After the San Francisco episode they want us to believe if he can rewrite a week, he can do more. But what if he HASN'T done that much. What's Louis' actual mental decline and what's Armand? We also still have no explanation for Lestat outside of Louis potentially being schizophrenic...........holy shit I think I just answered my own question.

Schizophrenia is a genetic trait. I've been saying it's the trauma because I wrote off Paul as an anomaly in their family. But what if he's not? What if Louis' own schizophrenia was simply delayed BECAUSE of the vampirism. But time is catching up to him and the immortal blood can only do so much. "Law number 2: The Dark Gifts must never be given to the crippled." The law goes on to say it's because the gift should be bestowed on beauteous people as a laugh in the face of god. But time and time again we've heard it can't be given to children who are also considered crippled, because their brains can not handle it. It has nothing to do with beauty and everything to do with vampirism exacerbating issues. When Lestat made Louis he seemed of sound mind and body, and he was...because it hadn't started yet. And a vampire surviving brutal injuries in turn makes them stronger. Louis burns himself his first day. The fall was his first big recovery. Then the burning in SF. He's gotten stronger which keeps the decline at bay. But he's growing weaker living in that tomb of an apartment. Armand goes out but Louis stays home. Isolated.

He tried to break free with Daniel once. Here we are again and would you look at that...his memory is suddenly coming back clearer. Okay I need to sleep before I dig even deeper into whether or not I'm way off base or I've cracked the code.

[kayhi808]

Billy Mine - Home Sweet Home

Masterlist

After weeks of trying to purge her closet of clothes and...stuff, Juliet is exhausted. Falling back onto the floor, "Billy Russo wants to marry me." This thought has been on repeat for the past few weeks in Juliet's mind. Is this even real life? When am I going to wake up from my dream?

*****

"Jules? You home?" Bill let's himself into the apartment. Scanning the living room, he sees her bag on the couch. Upon entering the bedroom, Billy's heart stutters to a stop. Little over a year ago, his girl was the target of a kidnapping attempt. Scattered amongst clothes and boxes, Juliet's bare legs are half visible on the floor of her small walk-in closet. "Bunny!!!" Bill shoves boxes to the side to get to his girl.

Bill's roar jolts Juliet out of her reverie. She screams as Billy hurls into her closet grabbing her. "What the fuck, Bill?!"

"Jesus Christ!!" Standing, Bill turns & punches the door jamb, resting his forehead against it, trying to take calming breaths. Juliet backs away, distancing herself from Bill, moving deeper in to the closet. He's furious! Scary mad.

Trying to be as soft and calming as possible, "Bill?"

He holds up a finger at her & shakes his head against the doorway. After a minute, "Your room looks destroyed, and I see you on the ground unmoving."

She moves closer to Billy, "I've been trying to clean out my closet and get rid of stuff, since we're moving in together. I got overwhelmed with it all & took a break." She hears a growl rumbling in the back of Billy's throat. "You aren't even supposed to be here. You didn't say you were coming over."

"Do I need an invitation now?" Straightening to his full height, glaring down at her.

"No, but you can't be mad at me. It's not my fault." Slowly moving closer to Billy, like she's trying to calm an angry panther. "If I knew you were coming over, I wouldn't have started on the closet & I definitely wouldn't have been laying on the floor waiting for you to find me like that." Billy pulls her to him, resting his head on the top of hers. Settling her palm over his rapidly beating heart, "I'm sorry I scared you."

"I thought you were fucking dead." BIll squeezes her even tighter.

Pulling him down into a kiss, "Oh, Billy Mine, you should know you can't get rid of me that easily. "

*****

Juliet can't deny that Billy's penthouse is impressive. It's very modern, very sleek and very stylish. Very minimalistic. And yet she doesn't feel at home or relaxed in a place like this.

Neighborhoods, homes, floorplans, decor have been occupying her mind since they decided to find a place together. Weekends are spent looking at websites trying to agree on places to see. Cuddled up on Billy's couch, Juliet has her tablet out scrolling through homes. "Morningside?"

"I'm not living in Harlem!"

"It's not..."

"It's Harlem. Next!" Bill reaches over & deletes the neighborhood from the filter. "Kips Bay, I like."

"No, that's where my parents tried to stick me. Chelsea? Hell's Kitchen? You'll be close to Anvil." Billy gives a non-committal shrug, because it is close to Anvil, but it's really just outside of the Village. "So, you're open to those neighborhoods?"

"Do you know how much a townhouse costs in Chelsea?"

"Townhouse? I've been searching condos. You want a townhouse?"

"Do you want to raise our kids in a condo?"

"Whoa!" Pushes against Billy, to sit up, "Where did these kids come from?"

Smiling up at Jules, shrugging, "I'm not doing this again with you. This move is it." She nervously laughs. "Are we not on the same page?

"Um...holy shit." Billy gives her a minute before pulling her down against him. Cradling her against his chest. "I didn't think 'big picture'. I was just thinking us moving in together, getting married...later."

"Do you not want a family?" His arms tightening around her, waiting for her answer.

Turning to look at him & whispers, "You know I do." It was a dream that Jules was always scared to voice.

"Do you want a family with me?"

Her voice breaking, "You're the only one I've ever dreamed of having a family with, Billy Mine." She buries her face into his chest & cries. They both grew up in the foster care system, but only Juliet was fortunate enough to escape it. Bill suffered abuse from his mother & through the system. For him to admit that this is the future he wants with her, it's like a sacred promise. Billy is in this relationship for life and beyond.

"Well then," clearing his throat, "Maybe you should be looking for something a little bigger than a condo, hmm?"

*****

On a bright sunny morning Billy got his wish. The loan officer and realtor just left his Anvil office. They just signed mortgage papers to a townhouse just outside of the Upper East Side, Lenox Hill, to Jules chagrin. They ended up selling her condo and his penthouse to afford it, but it's an investment for their future. Their forever home.

Popping a bottle of champagne, "We did it!"

Laughing, "It's 10am, Billy!"

"I got orange juice in the fridge if you want to make this a mimosa," handing her a glass.

Holding out her glass, "To us."

"Not too bad for a couple of orphans." Touches her glass and sips his champagne. Juliet wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him in for a kiss. Burying his face in her neck, "We finally got our Home Sweet Home, Bunny." Deep within the confident businessman, a dark eyed foster boy, who never thought this dream would ever come true for him, is overjoyed.

@imagine-a-fictional-boyfriend @snowkestrel @e-dubbc11 @bustlingcrowdsxorxsilentsleepers @jvanilly @k-marzolf

[apprenticestanheight]

you put the idea out there and now i cant stop thinking about it, any headcannons on how poly!chainshipping would go down?

Poly! Chainshipping headcanons

Hi!! I have had this idea on my brain for a while now and I posted the poll referencing it more than two weeks ago! If my memory serves right this came in around the time that the poll was posted, so I apologize for the wait--a lot of personal stuff has been going on as has planning for NaNoWriMo this month hasn't been the best in terms of my writing frequency lol.

Fic type- this is fluff mostly! Mentions of the bathroom trap, though

Warnings- mentions of smokes/smoking--the reader gets put into the trap due to a nicotine addiction in part so it's discussed a lot

Okay, so

the way that the three of you meet is through the bathroom trap--Lawrence is put there due to a lack of empathy and for cheating on his wife, Adam is put there because of his spying on people via photography, and you're there because of an innate sense of cynicism and hopelessness that's reflected through your personality and the way that you move through life coupled with a minor nicotine addiction.

Adam takes the cigarette when you all find them but you refuse despite the craving because all that Jigsaw had said in your regard was to let go of former vices and trust those around you--let yourself have hope and be optimistic.

Letting go of former vices was obviously in reference to your nicotine use, and you fought the cravings you were dealing with despite the fact that fending them away made you want to bite off your own hand.

in the end, as the story goes, Lawrence cut his own foot off. He told you and Adam that he would be back with help, and you had no choice but to trust him.

The following days were pretty bad--you and Adam would talk through the darkness, telling each other about your lives and reminding one another of Lawrences promise.

Eventually, John Kramer came around with one of his apprentices. They knocked you out with the top of the toilet, which Adam had used to kill Zep Hindle, and you were taken to separate hospitals in the Jersey area.

You give a statement to the police and book a hotel for a week--you were taken from your apartment and going back kind of stings, so you prolong the fact that you'll have to do so anyway.

In the week you stay at the hotel, your manager at work gives you paid time off rather than unpaid because you're traumatized and they feel guilty.

It's not a dampener on your paycheck, either, as they did something that's probably a little illegal and wrote off the shifts you missed in a way that still lets you get paid for those days.

You start going for walks and eventually wind up at the Jigsaw support group. You know Adam would find it stupid but Lawrence would probably appreciate it, and you know that a support system is what you need

even if the support system is made up of strangers, even if your trap is a hell of a lot more tame than some of theirs, it's still nice.

Lawrence ends up at the support group, and when you see him it's like your world completely flips over.

Adam also shows up that day and you're startled to realize your world has flipped over twice in under twenty minutes.

Your conversation goes something like this:

"Lawrence! I didn't expect to see you here--I've missed you lately, how've you been?" and then you look at Adam and you're like "You are the last person I thought I would see at a support group. I've missed you, though. A lot."

Lawrences response is "things aren't so great. Heard about this in the paper, figured I'd see what it's all about."

Adams response is: "Heard about it on the news. Thought I'd come around for some half decent free food, but seeing you guys again is a nice bonus."

And things just kind of...develop from there?? Afterwards Lawrence is like "let's grab a coffee--my treat!" and you and Adam both agree because you never thought you'd see him or each other again but holy fuck is it nice.

Things are a little stilted for a few weeks as you all develop feelings for one another. You're all distracted because you're deeply in love but haven't told one another yet and so the conversation comes and goes, but like--it's obvious from the get-go that you support each other and are consistent in that support.

After the trap, you decided to quit cigarettes cold turkey. A bit of a rash decision in hindsight, but Adam and Lawrence devise a system where they learn what your tells are when the cravings kick in and they do something to distract you instead.

Lawrences mode of distraction is to tell you about his day or, when the weather is cold, offer to go on walks.

You end up adopting a cat that you leash train. Adam finds that HILARIOUS because you genuinely take the cat outside on leash for a solid half hour once every few days. Lawrence even laughs a little to himself when he suggests a walk while the cravings are getting so bad that you're starting to shake because--

it's a cat. on a leash. Actively enjoying time outdoors. It's not the norm in Jersey so seeing it is kind of a spectacle.

Adams way of distracting you is like his love language--physical touch

especially after you've all confessed your feelings to each other and are actively romancing it up

Adam will pick up on one of your tells--grabbing the lighter you have and flicking it a few times is your biggest because the lighter is what you grabbed first, then you'd find your cigarettes and go out onto the porch for a bit.

Adam just kind of,, grabs the lighter from you while pressing a kiss to the side of your head and pockets it while saying that you're stronger than your addiction.

You give in because there's no point in fighting against him, let him smother you in kisses and affection instead while trying to avoid thinking about the fact that you'll have to go into work the next morning

There are two ends of the scale. Lawrence sits on one side of it while Adam sits on the other--Lawrence is a law abiding citizen who regularly makes a point out of sleeping eight or nine hours, makes sure he eats healthily and doesn't engage in anything like drinking or smokes too often.

Adam is the opposite--because he doesn't have insurance, he's not been to the doctor in quite some time (other than the trip post-trap, which he spent several hours contesting the bills for to get it down from nearly $7000 to $250) and he likes his cigarettes and takeaway food.

You are somewhere in the middle--you have insurance because you worked the mandatory 2000 hours and two years of work to become eligible so all of your current health records are up to date. However, like Adam, you had to spend several hours calling the right people and getting your charges reduced because there was no way you could afford $7000 in medical bills if you were paying it out of pocket. You don't really care enough to watch what you eat, so to speak (you, too, are a semi-regular enjoyer of takeaway but you monitor things like your hearts BPM and you try to avoid stuff that will just make living more difficult via health issue) and because of your addictions you avoid cigarettes vehemently but you don't mind things like weed or the occasional glass of brandy

It's like--Lawrence isn't chaotic at all. Adam has moments where he's chaos incarnate. You?? you bounce between neutrality and chaos somewhat infrequently.

Generally, though?? it's a very nice existence. You watch SO MANY SUNSETS together and you and Adam somehow convince Lawrence to smoke weed with you which is a fun experience

[epicbuddieficrecs]

Epic Buddie Fic Rec | October 9th-15th 2023

Hey guys!

I'm trying to get back into the habit of making these recs every week. I've been working on a banner and it's not ready yet, but I didn't want to wait for it to be ready before making fic recs because procrastination = bad!! 😆 I hope you enjoy!

If you don't know me from my other fic rec blogs, I rec pretty much all the fics that I've read and that I've enjoyed in these recaps, but I put an emoji next to the ones that I liked just a liiiiiittle bit more 😉 For Stucky, I used blue hearts (💙), for Steddie I used black hearts (🖤), and for Buddie... well the decision wasn't too hard to make 😜

Complete

take me to the edge (then let me fall) by honestlydarkprincess/ @honestlydarkprincess (PWP | 1K | Explicit): Or, the one where Eddie edges Buck until he loses his mind all the while calling him a good boy.

🔥 but i can see all along, love (it was you all the way down) by diazchristopher/ @captain-hen (Post-S6, Time Loop | 28K Mature): He puts his laptop away after a bit, and paces the length of his apartment as he tries to take stock of the situation at hand. One: The date is March 22nd, 2024. Two: It has been March 22nd for 3 days now. Three: Buck is trapped in some kind of time loop that is forcing him to relive this day. Four: Eddie is, apparently, in love with him. And. And. Five: Buck doesn’t feel the same way.

🔥 still by brewrosemilk/ @gayhoediaz (Post-Season 6 AU, Near Death Experiences | 9K | Teen): “Your guess was correct, Diaz,” the bomb technician tells them, as he gestures to the orange circle. “You’re standing on a large sensor plate, wired to a detonator. It’s incredibly important that you don’t move. Don’t shift. When you put your weight down, it was like cocking a gun - you take your weight off, this thing is powerful enough to take the entire house with it."

to feel the need of your touch by honestlydarkprincess/ @honestlydarkprincess (PWP, Light BDSM, Post-Season 6 | 7K | Explicit): When Natalia had casually suggested they stay fuck buddies, at least until he got his shit together about Eddie, Buck had seriously considered it. But it just wasn’t what he wanted. So, he had said no and Natalia had understood, and that was that. And now, Buck was miserable. He was so sensitive. His skin felt like a live wire. Any and all touches he received started to feel like a shock to his system. Or, the one where Buck is touchstarved and desperate for Eddie. They fuck but it's also really sweet.

reassure me with your praise by honestlydarkprincess/ @honestlydarkprincess (PWP, Kinktober, Getting Together | 5K | Explicit): Or, the one where Buck is concerned he might be bad in bed and Eddie has a solution.

bet on it by honestlydarkprincess/ @honestlydarkprincess (PWP, Kinktober | 4K | Explicit): Or, the one where newly together Buck and Eddie make a bet to see who can last longer without sex. The bet lasts one day.

Something Dumb to Do by glorious_spoon/ @glorious-spoon (Friends to Lovers, First Time | 8K | Explicit): "Too bad we can't just date each other." Eddie laughs. "What?" "No, I'm serious!" Buck sets his beer down, the better to gesture with both hands, face lighting up, and Eddie just—he really loves the guy, okay. Ridiculous as he is. "It would be so much easier! You wouldn't have to introduce a new person to Chris—he already likes me anyway—and you could tell Pepa so she'll stop setting you up on dates that don't go anywhere—" "And what would you get out of this?" Eddie asks, grinning. - Or: Buck and Eddie try something out together.

hope is a sword by marcato/ @callaplums (Post-Season 6, Near-Death Experiences | 5K | Teen): Holy shit, Eddie loves him so much. He’s been so stupid, telling himself to wait for the right moment. What right fucking moment? It should have been yesterday, three weeks ago– hell, it should have been three years ago when he was telling his best friend about the goddamn will. It doesn’t matter right now, though. The only thing that matters is keeping as much of Buck’s blood inside his body as possible. One can only hope and wish and pray.

🔥 Four Can Keep a Secret by Daisies_and_Briars/ @cal-daisies-and-briars (Post-Season 6, Secret Relationship | 20K | Teen): When Ravi and Hen accidentally see Buck and Eddie, who are trying hard to keep their new relationship a secret, in the middle of a romantic moment, they try to make them confess without the rest of the station finding out. Shenanigans ensue.

early hours of yearning by brewrosemilk/ @gayhoediaz (PWP, Kinktober | 4K | Explicit): “You really wanna go again?" “Yes,” he confirms, gently scratching his teeth down the side of his neck, treasuring the deep moan he gets in response. “God, you’re fucking insatiable," he hears Eddie moan as he tilts his head back, giving Buck more space to work. “Doesn’t feel like you’re complaining."

how forever feels by icesculptures/ @ice-sculptures @athenagranted (Post-Season 6, Getting Together | 8K | General): Or: tired of the growing distance between them, Eddie asks Buck to dance at Maddie and Chimney's wedding, healing more than his own heart along the way.

WIP

Don't They Know It's the End of the World? by Daisies_and_Briars/ @cal-daisies-and-briars (Fallout 4 AU, Post-Apocalyptic | 4/14 | 7K | Mature | Warning: Violence): After being put in a cryogenic sleep for over a hundred years to wait out an apocalyptic event, Eddie Diaz wakes up, too early, to find his son has been stolen from his cryo-chamber. Scared and alone in a frightening world he doesn't recognize, Eddie is willing to do anything to get his kid back.

🔥 Nothing Left But You by Daisies_and_Briars/ @cal-daisies-and-briars ("Blip" AU | 8/9 | 24K | Teen | Warning: MCD): In May of 2021, 25% of Earth's population suddenly disappears. Including Eddie. In May of 2026, they all come back. Eddie finds himself suddenly in the middle of a world he doesn't recognize, where the people he loves most have changed significantly.

Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me I should know by JJK/ @trenchcoatsandtimetravel (Demon Buck, Canon Divergent | 2/? | 4K | Teen): Buck is a demon with the power to help with pregnancy, childbirth, and infant health. When the Buckleys make a deal asking for someone to help 'save their baby', Buck leaps at the chance as it will give him what he's always wanted: a life on earth. But demon deals are tricky and neither of them gets quite what they're after. This is Buck's journey as he navigates growing up on earth and remembering how to help those in need.

🔥 for all the haunts and homes of men by euadnes/ @kananjarus (Canon Divergent, Post-Apocalyptic, Station Eleven Crossover | WIP | 10/? | 85K | Mature | Warning: Violence): The year by the old calendar is 2025. Home is gone. Home is a failed rescue mission and an echo of a memory. Home is a lost boy living in a wooden house by the sea. But first, there was a promise. Christopher, when it's safe, I'll take you back to your father. Buck had all but given up on keeping it after the world had died and everyone in it. But just as some oaths refuse to be forgotten, so the same can be said about the endurance of love.

[nerdish-simp]

statues (hunter x gn!reader) part 1

Summary: The Golden Guard is an asshole. But so is Y/n.

A/n: I caved. I'm doing a short series with angst. You're welcome. (also ignore any typos, I'm posting this from not my phone and not my laptop) it's been a while since I've written so I'm a little rusty lmao. I also have no idea how stitches work, I had to google it, so it's probably inaccurate. Rip me ig.

__________

"Watch it, Scout!" An annoying voice commanded harshly as you felt someone shove past you, making you stumble.

"You watch it!" You elbowed whoever passed you, assuming it was just another scout.

You were surprised to see the motherfucking Golden Guard turn around.

_

That was your first interaction with the Golden Guard. And he got on your nerves very quickly.

Unluckily for you, he got annoyed with you pretty quickly too.

You would make sarcastic comments at each other's performance, argue, and insult each other. And each of you thought the other was the most annoying witch on the Boiling Isles.

The other coven scouts started dreading any mission that had you two on the team. You were constantly at each other's throats, and it only got worse as you moved up ranks.

_

"Scout! Bring me this book from the library."

"Actually, it's Captian now."

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me."

_

You had your own team of scouts now, and you were a crucial member of the Emperor's Coven. You attended meetings, lead missions, and served the emperor. The scouts loved you. You weren't nearly as rude or commanding as the other captains and coven officials. Even if you were just a teenager, you knew how things worked and how to help people.

You were only ever blatantly rude to the Golden Guard, but he deserved it. He was a brat.

Your fighting went on for months. That was until one evening...

You stepped into the massive library in the Emperor's castle. Just back from a mission, you had taken off your uniform and mask, still carrying your badge with you, just in case. You had a few books in your arms and you dumped them into the book return bin before heading to find some new ones.

Wandering up and down the shelves, you grabbed a few books for some studying and some to read just for fun. You passed some blonde haired dude as you walked down the shelves, but didn't pay him any mind.

You saw him again as you went to check out your books, he was in line, also checking out a stack of old leather books. As he reached the desk, the librarian asked him for his library card and he said "Just put it under the Golden Guard."

You knew that voice. That really annoying voice.

"Golden Brat?!" You accidentally exclaimed, shocked. This scrawny blonde kid was the Golden Guard you've been fighting for the past several months??

He whirled around to look at you.

"Captain Asshole?!"

You stood there for a moment in stunned silence.

"You look way different than I thought you did." You muttered. "Titan, do you even sleep?" He had massive bags and dark circles under his unusual magenta eyes. He scowled at you.

"I don't need sleep. Unlike some pathetic witches." He looked at you.

"Holy fuck, man. Go to bed. You look like you're dead."

"SHUT UP." He grabbed his books from the counter and left the library.

"Damn." You muttered, placing your books in front of the librarian. "Sorry about that." _

You made his life a living hell after that. You bugged him about his sleep schedule and made fun of him for it. Even though you hated him, there was a slight bit of concern under all the light bullying.

He started avoiding you more and more as time went on. You weren't exactly sure why though. It was weird not making fun of him or having him insult you.

There was a whole week where you didn't even see him. Until one evening after you'd gotten back from a mission, badly injured.

Your forearm had been sliced open. The deep cut spanning from the crease of your elbow to mid-forearm. Your uniform was soaked in scarlet blood and you were trying to put pressure on it while struggling to perform a healing spell, and it just wasn't working.

You didn't know who to seek help from.

Despite the fact that the scouts really liked you, you didn't actually know people. You didn't have any friends. The only person who kept coming to your mind is the person you least wanted to see in this state.

The Golden Guard.

You knew he would be able to help you somehow, but swallowing your pride and going to him kept you away. But at this point, it was either go to him and hurt your ego a little bit, or fainting from blood loss and embarrassing yourself.

Gritting your teeth, you made your way to find the Golden Brat's room. _

After several minutes, you finally found it, you were feeling a little light headed as you pounded on the door.

"Open up, Golden Guard." You shouted. You could hear rustling through the door and he opened it, looking annoyed.

"What do you want?" He spat.

"Just let me in." You huffed. You just wanted to make your arm feel better.

"Why?"

"I... need help." You muttered, obviously not happy about coming to him for help.

"You need what now?" He smirked at you. You could tell that he was enjoying this.

"I SAID I NEED HELP." I said angrily. "Now stop being a dickhead and let me in."

He smirked as he stepped aside to let you in, but as soon as he saw your bloodstained sleeve, he stopped. "Titan, what happened to your arm?"

"I broke it." You said sarcastically. He just looked at you, unamused.

He sighed and got the first aid kit. "You're gonna need stitches."

You looked at him, genuinely shocked.

"If you think I'm gonna let you sew my arm up, you're fucking insane." You said, still clutching your arm in an attempt to make it stop bleeding.

"Do you want my help or not?!" He looked irritated.

"OKAY, fine fine." You relented.

He got the stuff ready and went to work. You watched for a moment before feeling a little queasy at the sight of your skin being sewn together. You looked at his face to distract yourself. His dark eyebrows turned downwards in concentration. He had a scar on his cheek that went down to his jaw, and there was a little bit of his ear missing.

He certainly looked a lot different from what you expected. But somehow it fit him.

It took a while before he had finished your arm, but he did a decent job. He cleaned the wound and wrapped your arm tightly with some bandages.

"Alright. I'm done." He started his first aid box away.

"Thanks...Golden Brat." You stuck to the nickname you usually called him, but in a more appreciative tone. It felt too formal to say Golden Guard anyways.

He looked at you momentarily, still putting the supplies away. ".....Hunter. my name is Hunter."

You didn't expect him to actually tell you his name. You covered your surprise by making a joke.

"Hunter, huh? I was expecting something cooler." I raised my eyebrows and he rolled his eyes.

There was a beat of silence.

"I'm Y/n."

He glanced up at you, "That's a weird name."

"Shut up."

"You shut up."

[kfedup]

Mondaying

Ginger is struggling today. Typically on weekdays she gets to spend a few hours with Bowie at my ex's house. This weekend we put Bowie down. His cancer progressed very quickly over the last few weeks and it was past time. Chris found an incredible retired vet couple who came to the house and helped make it all so kind and normal. Ginger was there and got to sniff him before and after, but she also has limited object permanence and misses her time with her buddy. We all do, sweet girl. We all do.

I really struggled with it. I think I'm through the worst of it, but holy shit I was not expecting how this would bring up so many feelings about my marriage ending. Fuck off, it's been 9 years already. But I realized that I haven't actually cried much about it and hoo boy, this last week has been a real soaker. I once again need to thank Peter Gabriel for opening something in me that's been locked up for years with his amazing i/o concert.

A huge part of the struggle came from having to share the process with his wife and the energy of ownership she brought with her. I wonder if she struggled with my energy, too. I don't care enough to ask. I don't like her. I've never liked her. And earlier in the week we crossed paths and she complained about him to me in a way that seemed like she wanted me to commiserate with her. Over the man she... well... anyway, I'm ready to stop telling that story, so I'll start now and just say some people are too dumb for words.

I just got back from my bi-annual primary care well visit and my doctor and I both agree that I'm doing amazing, sweetie. Most of the long covid shit has finally begun to clear. I'm still having a hard time with cardio/heart rate issues and still getting week-long clusters of ocular migraines, but otherwise, I am better than ever. Coming up on 3 years of sobriety and nearly a year into daily exercise and meditation on top of the long-established dog walks. Sleeping better. Eating slightly less emotionally. Working to bring the meditation practice into the day outside of my sitting time; to walking, cooking, eating, working, listening, talking, or whatever the hell I'm doing in the process of living, is honestly geeking me the fuck out. Planning ahead to do a nice long silent meditation retreat next year.

That said, the wanting/craving for connection is constant. I keep seeing that meme that says something like don't awaken the love in a woman unless you intend to actually work to love her and goddamn. Trying so hard to not be a giant ball of resentment about it, but phew, it realllllly sucks to have someone make the play and then back off.

There's a spectacular golden hour happening right now. We just walked in it for a bit.

What's for dinner? I'm ravenous and I do not want to cook.

Happy Monday, mutuals.

[zephfair]

Hello? Anyone still here?

Hey, who disappeared for months and has desperately missed all her little friends who live on this hell-site but has been too exhausted and overwhelmed to actually login ... and who lost track of where this sentence was going ... Yeah, this girl.🤗

But, wow, have I missed you all and all the beauty that is Tumblr, and I hope you'll forgive me for secreting myself away since--holy cow--January.

Quick life update behind the cut.

So, I knew going back to work full-time at my age after quite a long unintended break AND now having health disabilities, well, I knew it would be hard. I knew I would have to adjust my whole, entire life. I expected it to be incredibly difficult, and I fully planned to give myself some grace and time in having to change my every routine.

But somehow, I still underestimated it.

I am so thankful to have a job now, with a steady (if small) income and benefits that frankly make me want to weep with thanks. I mean, I don't have time to go to the doctor, but at least now I could afford to go, if I could get there.

But wow, work is tough. Not just the literal work but, as I said, changing my entire life around it. I'm not complaining, but I am doing my best to learn all new skills (job is not in my old field), relearn how to work and reschedule my own needs and just upend everything.

The absolute worst thing has been trying to take care of my aunt. I was to leave town on Jan. 7 to start my training on Jan. 8.

My 90-year-old aunt fell and broke her pelvis (and a finger and needed some stitches) Jan. 2. I spent every waking hour with her over the rest of that week. While I'd planned to spend that week cleaning my house, getting my business in order and just resting, I was freaking out and traveling through the snow and literally worried sick about her.

It was bad.

And I couldn't stay with her like I did when she broke her hip because I had to attend training full-time. At least they let us come home super-early from that first on-site week of training, but that led to a literal nightmare of a drive home one night through snow, ice, rain, flooding and fog that I'm not joking I've had nightmares about before and now since. Long story.

So, I spent January and February training and working 9 hours a day then spending all day Saturday at her place cleaning and doing laundry and making sure she had everything she needed for a week, and then I had Sunday to do my own laundry and clean the house and take care of my own things...which just keep getting pushed back because I'm too worn out.

Thank God, Aunt made a miraculous recovery and now is doing her own house and laundry etc. but I still go out one day a weekend and do anything else she needs and make sure she has all her groceries and supplies and stuff.

We're all each other has.

Needless to say, I haven't been taking care of myself. I don't sleep well anyway, but add the stress of the new job and my dear aunt and my own health issues, and I'm exhausted. Weary. Overwhelmed and just so very tired. My body is so heavy, I can barely move anymore. It's bad.

And when I finally got to my doctor two weeks ago for my long-delayed check-up, found out I was right about my blood pressure being sky-high again. It went high for the first time several years ago when my Mom was dying, but it eventually settled and was fine. But yeah, it's bad again now. No shock there. And all my lovely chronic health conditions have flared which was no surprise--again, I had braced myself to expect it and power through it, and that's what I'm doing. But it sucks. And it's hard. And there's so much pain.

I don't want to say much about my job, but the over-arching Praise the Lord wonderful thing about it is working from home. There have been so many days already that I never would've been able to get to an office to work, but I can push through it here because I don't have to use any spoons to get myself "ready" (sweatshirts and leggings, no personal grooming necessary, yay), and I don't have any anxiety about driving because zero commute. It has its challenges too because Teams is a weird office communication alternative to get used to, but on the good side, I don't have to deal with interpersonal drama from co-workers.

The work itself is challenging, but I have some days where I finally feel quietly competent and think, Oh, I can actually do this. And then there are some days that leave me in tears and praying for help because it's just too hard. But there's no way I'm quitting; they're going to have to fire me because did I mention the benefits are incredible? I mean, I live in the US and if you knew how much I had to pay last year for my own health insurance, and then the scope and biopsies and then the skin cancer and surgery and then the other skin pre-cancer biopsy and treatment. Yeah, I'm still in big debt from all of that.

So I keep praying that they keep me and that I'll do a good job. And my immediate supervisor has started piling extra work on me over the past 3 weeks so suddenly I'm doing my own stuff AND cleaning up the work from co-workers who aren't keeping up. And all of them have been working since October while just a handful of us began in January?

I have been complaining about this to my aunt, and I thought it meant that my supervisor thinks I'm incapable or is punishing me for trying to get through own my entire workload every single day. But she believes he's giving me all their shit work because I'll actually do it, and I admit, I have gotten some of it completed successfully after they'd given up on it. So, I don't know.

I know that I'm a perfectionist and I've always pushed myself as hard as possible to do my best at work (not at housework and other things in my life lols) but I really hope that it gets me a good reputation at this job and they keep me.

So yeah, that's what's going on here. I've completely abandoned the fandom things in life that I actually enjoy. I almost feel, like, guilty when I'd think about trying to make some time to browse Tumblr or wasting time on social media or even trying to write fic. I get done with work at 6:30 pm, and until I get something to eat and then clean up, it's 8 or 8:30. I have to spend about an hour on the phone with Aunt (and I call her every morning, break, and lunch time too). By then, I can barely walk or move so I just try to make it upstairs to bed. Even though I can't sleep, it just feels nice to lie down.

But I miss all of you. And I miss fandom fun. And I want to be around more because maybe it would recharge me rather than me feeling so freaking overwhelmed every minute of the day.

And I promise not to complain and bitch all the time, now that I've gotten it out of my system. But thanks for listening.

I do miss you, and I love you all.

PLEASE let me know if I've missed anything important in your lives and goings on here! I've got A LOT of catching up to do!

[elderemorune]

An Interesting Title

What a monumental week it's been.

Awful, but monumental.

My best friend introduced me to the whitest band I've ever heard, Bear Ghost, something like six months ago, and I've been a little hung up since. Not obsessed, but they're damn good. Hell, I'll share one of my favorites from them here:

Take a Disney Villain, give them a guitar and a bit of ska, here you go. Bear Ghost. They call themselves 'adventure rock', a genre created by Swedish band Hällas, who play "a blend of progressive rock, hard rock and heavy metal inspired by 1970s bands". You know what, I see it, and it fits.

Anyway, they played a show at Madame Lou's in Seattle on Monday, and holy shit were they fun. Honestly way better live than I ever thought they'd be! Their crowd work was impeccable, I loved the way they moved about onstage and dude, their smiles are so fucking warm, it was like being in a sunlit field while they were onstage.

The brought with them a smaller band by the name of Damn the Weather.

Their music is truly beautiful, and I honestly couldn't really explain it, so here's a song from them:

They're tiny right now, and this was their first time on the road, same as Bear Ghost. I couldn't tell you the name of any song they played, but I was enraptured by them during the opening act. They were less bombastic, lower energy, but there was something so incredibly beautiful about that melancholic vibe they brought that not only matched the venue, but served as the perfect palate cleanser prior to the main act taking the stage.

I love them. Please, anyone reading this, give them a listen on Spotify, sub to their YouTube, signal boost the hell out of them!

After the show, the frontman (whose name I have tragically forgotten) was going through the crowd and thanking everyone who would talk to them. I was waiting in line to get some merch signed by the dudes of Bear Ghost, and they walked up, so I told them what I felt:

"Your music was so beautiful, I cried during the violin solo holy shit dude" and they thanked me so much. I offered them a hug, and they took it and started crying, saying "I never thought we'd make it here, I can't even believe this is real." I just kept hugging them and said "You made it baby, you made it and you'll always be welcome back here."

So overall 10/10 show. The venue was perfect, the sound was on point, and the drinks were cheap too! The bands were amazing, and I cannot wait for them to come back.