#just some food for thought ig
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perhaps the solution would be to, in fact, convert to a multimuse
#✹ ooc.#hello#fdslkjlKSJDF#long time no see#no i know i'm extremely inconsistent on this blog#and obviously between work and between other things my muse is inconsistent as well#i come on here often though and writing on tumblr seems fun again it's just that my brain is elsewhere#i've also gotten absorbed by other games/fandoms and the likes#i'm not 100% set on this though cause i don't know just yet if i'd have muse to Actually Write for those other characters i'm thinking abt#and managing a multimuse has always seemed stressful to me#(not to mention it's something i've done eons ago when the RPC was . definitely not in the same place it is today)#(i've been in the trenches)#but in any case it's something i'm thinking about more and more rn#just some food for thought ig
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obsessed with whatever experiment he was doing here ..... like what ARE you doing that was so vital .....
[X-Men #31: "We Must Destroy the Cobalt Man!"]
#snap chats#he just feedin mice watch ..... 'experiment' my ass .... he tryna figure out if they like dry or wet food more....#'my boy's in trouble but like it aint that serious probably ... i got mice to feed rn....'#yall think charles still got pet mice in the mansion or ... i think thatd be cute ..#highkey always love it when they show charles doing science shit ... like tinkering with machines or.. whatever this is vjEALKVJAK#also love how this is the last time he shows up in this ish he really said Im Working and left it at that. I Trust The Kids#it was cute how at the beginning he tried to set up scott and jean to have a 'date' tho.. that was cute.. meddlesome peepaw (affectionate)#'date' being scott returning some books jean lent the team but like listen it coulda turned into a date .. i saw the plan ..#also if anyone cares i liked this issue ... thought it was fun ... beast calling themselves broke was goofy. and real.#also Inflation Calculator tells me he and bobby had like $12... that can get you like. idk a block in the city ..#where were they going Long Island yeah ok ig they aint gettin there 💀💀#anyway ima read one more ish then ima go back to work .. juggernaut's back babey ...
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Me: I am interested in judaism ONLY. Show me content about jewish life, intellectualism, history, and daily life
The Algorithm, apparently: does this mean you're interested in mormonism... how about jehova's witness............... this is all you'll get recommended by the way
#jumblr#personal thoughts tag#on topic but. there's also been so many mormon missionaries in my town??? are they all coming back from serving mission trips or what......#it's also weird that my town is almost completely xtian but [insert shopping place] had a display specifically for pesach#like ik many xtians have seders and you know what i'm talking about but like...??? ig they tried because they gave out free pesach haggadah#but i think it was solely because they had displays for easter up. look i just thought it was funny considering where we live#but that same store has a small kosher section. as in... well it's got some kosher food#so i really don't know what to make of it because that display is gone (why i think it was more for easter??)#ANYWAY#i'm just confusion 🫰👍#wait on the topic of xtian seders... why??? i never understood that one and my family has never celebrated passover#what would the point be when (from my understanding) such a big part of pesach is the freedom of jews from slavery#and that g-d sent them/us manna. like i admit i don't know everything about pesach but how would an xtian observe it?#because i have heard of that in the past and assumed they were celebrating jesus instead which to me wouldn't be a seder or passover. idk..#also i'm watching one of the videos about mormonism that was recommended to me but. i still watch majority jewish things regardless so????
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:((
#cw animal death#i suppose. anyhow#finished my morning plans early and decided to run some errands but ofc saw the pet store and stopped#went to go look at the birds and saw one lying on his back#first thought he was just playing around bc sometimes that species goes on their backs and roll around#common trait for them bc they're silly yk#anyways noticed his food was empty and his chest wasn't raising at all so#had to tell the employees bc they hadn't realized the poor guy was dead#at least it was early in the day so no little kid had to see#still disappointing tho they can't even take care of them or make sure it isn't dead#but all of his food was like tossed from the bowl onto the floor of his cage#under the rack or wtvr u call it so he couldn't reach it#idk man it was interesting ig kinda sad bc i thought he was cute and was thinking of getting him#also a shame that no one else could keep his cuteness#the species lives long too like 20-30 years if i remember correctly and this guy was just a couple months old i think#he looked oddly peaceful tho. maybe bc it wasn't a cause of a fight like the last dead bird i saw#anyways on a nicer note the employee had nice piercings#and she was pretty#okay off to errands again bye
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#god i wish i believed in magic lol#it would be so fun to do little witch shit and believe herbs can fix my little problems i would love that#bc honestly the closest i get is believing that the placebo effect leads to people who do this stuff maybe experiencing like…#psychological peace because they feel protected by their rituals#love that#love things to bring people inner peace#im super curious about that kind of stuff like wicca and tarot and the like at least as like a fun thing but i just don’t believe in it#i really would love to study dietetics and i keep trying to but the schools in my area make it annoyingly difficult to have a clean route#Like going point A to point B is extremely difficult#but i feel like studying the effects of food on the human body is like the closest i could come to a belief in#some kind of herbal divinity and i understand that is probably just barely a component of any of this stuff but it’s what i#Was looking at on ig just now so it’s fresh on my mind lmao#sorry to any believers if anything i said came off as insensitive#if nothing else it looks fun from my little cynical armchair#idk i feel like this is the only place i can talk abt this stuff freely tbh lol#tumblr has always felt like a little cave to me i just come here to spew thoughts into a void and ig watch kpop boys be sexy#rip
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arlecchino's official title is "father" when house of hearth members refer to her ......... please just one chance please please
#GOD. me when slightly more masc women#idk i really hope they keep that just bc it would be so nice to have some more canonical gender fuckery as little as it is#i hope they write her well because MAN she's been so interesting so far#. kind to kids; who also end up becoming essentially child soldiers; 'has her own agenda' according to childe..#thinking back to my own post abt her and house of hearth: seems like she really does care abt the kids in her org (or acts like it well eno#enough . but ahskdjksfjl she could ofc be another person who knows how bargaining and equivalent exchange works. like. save your life for#a debt. win loyalty via small favors that are actually nice things and things she doesn't mind doing etc#think how bai.zhu operates but a lot more ethically questionable#please please let her be a well rounded evil. her design is already so cool (minus the long rat tail ponytail thing :\)#chewing on her and her motivations and backstory for enrichment#genshin spoilers#4.0 spoilers#fontaine spoilers#arlecchino#i hope! they make her self aware enough to know she's doing evil. or not evil but not morally great things . and i sure hope they don't#write it off as 'this for that. food/shelter for doing 'jobs' for me' when the job is literally . murder and spying and all sorts of other#stuff. or ig she can justify it like that but IDK all im asking is that she doesn't get the shogun treatment#teyvat thoughts#ramblings!
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Ngl the longer i stay on break the more i don't feel like I wanna come back. I would miss you guys but also i'm realizing how tiring it was being on here almost all the time and constantly thinking about it, and I get really tired when i think about ending my break. tbh im thinking i might not ever officially "come back from break". im prolly just gonna keep it this way, only coming on every now and then.
This might just be me realizing i needed the break more than i thought i did and i just need to stay off longer before i feel like coming back, but honestly im most likely going to keep the "im on break" spirit even if i end up being super active again later.
#just thinking out loud ig#like its fun here#i like talking to my moots and other ppl#but im also tired#i think its mostly just my own brain that did this tbh#cuz i tend to create invisible rules and pressures on myself without really realizing it#(especially with things I enjoy a lot and end up doing. A Lot.)#until i remove them and im like#“oh i wasn't really having fun with that anymore"#its happened with so many things#it happened with some foods I used to love eating all the time#it happened with tiktok#it happened with monkie kid#it happened with several art and writing pieces I was doing until I dropped them#just.#yeah#imma scoot outta here again now and keep being on break i was just having thoughts#sunn chats
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real talk its so fucking Difficult to have been raised by someone who moralized food down to the molecular level like I know it wasn’t done with intent to hurt me (in fact it was done with intent to save me which is more irritating bc i feel guilty for being so angry bc they really were doing what they thought was right) but being told from basically birth that i must be resilient against any food i found alluring and that not giving into things with any sugar or fat was a sign of strength is actually quite insane whenever i think about it. Being like 5 years old in the supermarket asking if we can get the off brand honey nut cheerios instead of the plain ones and getting a lecture in the middle of the aisle that sweet things are addictive and bad for me and im only going to trap myself in a dopamine cycle and that even the fact that I asked should be a lesson in how dangerous and tempting food can be and im like. Ok. I am a literal child and the what im taking away from this is certain foods are Evil and Evil Foods Taste Better and Feel Good For Your Body and Brain and that once you start indulging you can never stop like. bro i rlly never stood a chance 😭😩
#Vent#I didnt try McDonald’s until i was 14/15 despite being a latchkey kid at 11 and living right across from one in the middle of a food desert#Bc i was genuinely actually afraid my dad would somehow know if i had a burger and/or that god would send me to hell if i got french fries#Most fast food places are still extremely novel to me bc i only tried them now in my 20s. This is also bc we were extremely poor but thats#It’s own whole separate thing lmao. Fast food will forever be a modern luxury in my eyes to some extent even if everything else heals#Almond dad shit hits different especially when hes an immigrant trying to set you up for a better life and live through you. Double whammy#When they give up everything for u whats giving up a few calories for them amiright#Especially bc he came from an overweight family that does have severe health issues so. TFW u give ur kid an 3d out of love or something ig#Anyway. Back to aesthetic posts in a bit im just thinking some thoughts tonight
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loveee when a character is crushed under the weight of someone elses expectations for them love when a character dedicates their entire life to something they never even wanted for themself love when the only reason a character keeps going is because theyre Supposed to and bc theyre supposed to make another person happy/proud. YES !!! CLAPPING !!! YES !!!!!!!!
#this isnt rly related to any character in particular i just thought abt this and it made me scream.#flirting at a bar Damn girl you look like youre trapped in a life you built to please someone else. and then i kneel down and pull out a 💍#sry i ran out of space for the full word ring. also why when i type 💍 Ohh theyre hiding it. bc now the emoji is 💍 Oh they changed it again#pox on their home..originally it was 🔐 sughested emoji#but then the second time it was 😭.... very anti marriage. well ig maybe the sob could be like OMG... YES!!!!! I WILL MARRY YOU!!!!!!#ngl getting proposed to is such a big fear of mine like. i dont think id ever be able to propose to someone so id have to be proposed to i#suppose but it makes me quite nervous not bc im like ohh nooo dont propose i just rly worry ill react the wrong way and theyll change their#mind. like its a very high emotion moment so ik i would be supposed to be emotional And i would be but idk if id do it in the right way . y#idk. what if my autism looms and i end up just being like 😐 on accident. fuckkk. what if i say somethinf dumb. like i try to be like YES !#but instead im like YEP! god. can you imagine. id have to just bury myself at that point. so embarassing. or like what if i get excited and#flap my hands but it was supposed to be more of a like. joyful crying type of thing... or what if im supposed to just be shocked and like .#Oh my god ....#and am I supposed to run at them and sweep them into a hug or do they do thst to me. UGH. ITS SO STRESSFUL. i suppose ill just remain alone#forever so I never have to confront any difficult situations ever again . Joke .#idk it just makes me nervous. but i suppose hopefully the person proposing to me will love me . that would be nice so hopefully they wont#mind if i dont respond the right way . and they wont be upset with me bc they love me eversomuch. a girl can dream i suppose... my head lik#is pounding sry. i need to sleep probably.. stayed up too late again -_- 8am -_- and im sposed to do laundry today But i dont want to . and#since im gonna fall asleep i fear it shant happen. UGHHH#wtvr. idk what my ideal proposal would be likeee. i don't want to be blindsided ig#i like surprises but Obviously im too worried abt like. my immediate reaction#+ i think its important to talk abt marriage Before proposing just so everybodys like#on the same page and such. Obvs... but ya. i dont think id want a super public proposal like. id like it to be somewhere nice with maybs#significance to our relationship and such. and its fine if theres like Some passersby but id hate for it 2 be like. somewhere crowded. or i#a restaurant or something#Altho if it was in a restaurant maybe we could get free food..#but maybe that can be just fake proposals later on. and our real proposal can be somewhere else. YIPPEEE. me and my imaginary future spouse#who is To be honest rather bare minimum#normal girl will be like Wistful sigh maybe my future spouse will even love me and wont scream at me and will like to listen to me speak 😍#but anywyas. my beddybye time. SURPRISE GN POST#woahhthis got off topic i forgot what the original post was this always happens. i do love characters like that
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Part of the process of recovering from my first psychotic episode has involved revisiting all of the famous gothic horror literature i read and was fascinated by as a preteen and reading Poe has been a constant experience of yeah I’ve been there before buddy and it really does feel like he was ahead of his time in terms of presenting reality as inherently absurd in a way his peers didn’t often touch upon. People often stop their analysis at “Edgar Allan Poe utilizes unreliable narrators a lot” instead of going a bit further to put themselves in the shoes of the characters and asking what it feels like to live in an unreliable reality. Reading Poe stories feels so very melancholic at a moment in my life when I don’t know how to get care for these issues, whether or not I’m actually sound of mind or just convincing myself I’m losing touch with reality-- in other words “faking it.” Ever since the incident moments of joy and curious hobbies have gone from being seen by those around me as quirky hyperfixations to something more sinister and unwell. Others who I thought really cared for my health and safety seem to treat the revelation that I am “losing my mind, no literally. . . please let me tell you what happened” with the if i’m retelling the story of what flavor of soda i picked at the vending machine. It’s so alienating as if being terrified of your own mind and it’s capability to break apart the rules of reality isn’t alienating enough. I think Poe really captures that feeling I get when things are just a bit off until they crescendo into an event that seems massive and tiny and inconsequential all the same. I really can’t describe it because the fear I feel is unlike any other fear I’ve felt and you don’t know it until you’ve felt it and it clicks. Out of curiosity I wanted to see how well H.P. Lovecraft held up or if my distaste for his work was strictly from the knowledge of who the man was in life. The answer is no, it does not. Frankly I find it insulting that H.P. Lovecraft is put at the same level as Poe, far above the tens of Gothic writers that preceded him by decades to nearly a century. . . of whom Lovecraft would openly take influence from just to water down down everything that makes those works interesting. The “indescribable” horrors that Lovecraft describes are paradoxically comprehensible. I’ve had many discussions with my partner about why more grounded surrealist art feels far more surreal and uneasy than art that is comprised of endless “weird” imagery. To keep this topic brief, think something like David Lynch. His films are utterly bizarre compared to your average hollywood blockbuster, sure, but as far as surrealist media goes? His films are very grounded in reality, but that reality feels off and strange in a way that genuinely is indescribable. When I read Lovecraft on the other hand, it feels like he read a lot of gothic literature about the sublime, indescribably transcendent nature of the universe and replaced that with essentially. . . a big scary monster. When Lovecraft writes “indescribable” or other similar words as a descriptor for what his characters see, it feels akin to when 14 year olds discover the SCP wiki and think that the more you write REDACTED or [DATA EXPUNGED] the scarier the object of horror is. It feels lazy when you’re not given any other reason to feel afraid. When I read Dagon it feels like I’m reading an early 2010s creepypasta written by someone who hasn’t been writing long enough to analyze what makes something scary. It genuinely feels like someone trying to write what they think psychosis might be like. His stories are so inhuman (and not in the way he’s trying to achieve) and detached, and I never get the is it real or not feeling I get from older gothic stories dealing with notions of sanity and humanity’s role in the universe. I know the big spooky space creatures are real in the universe of the text, so I don’t really connect the Lovecraftian hero’s lapses of sanity. You don’t see the same tragic decay of mind and body and ill-fated social dynamics that permeate so many of Poe’s stories. I genuinely don’t know what purpose there is to be gained from the oft-quoted declaration that the core of Lovecraft is about uncovering knowledge you aren’t supposed to know. I frankly don’t know how you can separate the art from the artist for HPL when so much of his work seems to pretty clearly match up with antisemitic “secret global society” conspiracy theories that go back centuries upon centuries. Think about it for two seconds: the “terrible knowledge” that gets discovered is typically the existence of some all-powerful cosmic race that seems to hide itself at all costs and could possibly end humanity’s pitiful existence should they so choose to do so. So much of his work involves this utterly unsympathetic view of otherness as an “indescribable threat” in society whereas I think a lot of Poe’s writing really captures the terror of being othered at a time when the treatment of mentally ill and disabled people was at one of its all-time peaks. I might revisit this idea again when I’m not tired as shit but I think in all, Lovecraft feels almost boring. Nothing feels really impressive despite the scale of its horror. In some ways, Poe really feels almost shockingly similar to a lot of postmodern man-vs-reality narratives, whereas Lovecraft feels like he takes a lot of the same aesthetics of gothic literature and uses it to craft a narrative that is far more simplistic than it seems at first glance. It hardly even qualifies as a man-vs-god narrative prevalent in the time of the Illiad, but given HPL’s track record when it comes to respecting human beings it’s all just a bare bones black and white us-versus-them man-vs-man narrative. Now, art doesn’t have to be thematically complex to be good, but I find it a bit insulting when the man with the copy-paste self insert characters with the personality of soggy paper wants to profess understanding of profoundly existentialist, indescribable terror. . . and the vast majority of his work is just an allegory with a metaphor writing-hand heavier than CS Lewis’s own that gives me no insights about the world other than that he literally couldn’t get over the “indescribable” fear of “grug look different from ogg, grug bad!” dog you didn’t make a cosmic discovery you are literally the fuckin meme “men will smoke weed once and think they’re enlightened for discovering empathy” or whatever. i have more transcendental experiences railing twinks and cuddling with pretty girls talk about smth really indescribable!!!!! it’s fucking caveman shit. mf really would be writing shitty fanfic of shadow puppets if you locked him in the cave fr fr. prolly wouldn’t notice he’s in an allegory fr fr life is indescribable and that’s what makes it beautiful and tragic and precious just eat a cock like the rest of us instead ur scarin the hoes with your shitty octopus fursona!
#i bear the curse of being the only bb fan that hates lovecraft#sorry but its the mcu of gothic literature#its just head empty junk food and frankly bloodborne took what lovecraft did and did it better#the big monsters are just part of the whole system of institutional violence#instead of being a stand in for whatever minority you feel like shitting on today#bb is hardly lovecraftian because it doesnt SUCK which is a requirement for successfully imitating HPLs work#thoughts#gothic literature#lovecraft#edgar allan poe#but what do i know by some standards ig im literally insane but this might be the one#case where i have the leg up#i got the experience to back this up ok
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:^(
#feelin like a big lonely loser tonight teehe ^__^#thought maybe i had plans but then not n everyone else i asked didnt answer or had plans w other ppl too#n i had suggested a plans with stef but she never rlly confirmed or denied but i figured not plus im kinda sick now too but#also called her just to be like hi n i miss u bc idk im SICK n i hate being sick n the way she sounded was weird AaagghGGHHHHH#n im just now realizing maybe she also ended up doing plans w other ppl#just feels like nobody likes me i GUESS which is dramatic but . aagggghhghgh#to be fair a bit of a 180 from i love u so much lemme say it 50 times last night to i call her n say ilu n shes like uhh ok haha#anD I FEEL LIKE EVERYONES GIVING ME RLLY SHORT ANSWERS N LIKE#but i dont know if i have the energy to give a lot of. energy. ?? to expect it back? but its like#an endless cycle of feel bad so less energy or want to bug less so then deserve less in return anyway so feel worse#its kinda feeling like isolation time which i havent done in a hot minute but i tried so hard to get out of it but like . for what yknow#i got to talk to some ppl some more n meet some ppl but at the end of the day i still feel alone n alien teehee#but maybe im just bejng dramatic bc sick. and rsd with the Tones and ppl having Plans With Others#like its perfectly reasonable to have forgotten or just idk had better options or maybe bc i didnt say anything sooner buT . IDK. 😔🥺#im sick n i hate being sick n i want someone to take care of me ugh#instead i just kinda sat here. played some OW. got mad at OW. ordered pizza to engage in basically food self harm LOL n watched some#of a show ive been meanjng to watch. jts neat so far. but yeah now i just feel like shit i guess#idk how to like. not be insane. or like. ask ppl for like. idk. reassurance or smthn or. share feelings. without feeling like i am.... bad#for doing so or itll end poorly or its excess or burdensome or unreasonable. bc it kkinda is unreasonable but idk not entirely ig yknow#and i really need to shower but i especially dont want to now that i ate food bc id rather die than look at myself naked but yea#YEAH. IDK. i feel. like shit. and garbage. and i can almost see this as being the turning point to me sabotaging my ownnpotential future#whatever ive been slowly building that i just. end up giving up now.#god i wanna call stef or pidge or someone n... ig not even talk abt this bc i dont wanna be a bother but. just hear ppl. u_u#feel like i am wanted in the world slepflsjhggbjwjr#It's My Blog I'll Use It As A Diary / Thought Organizing Thing If I Want To !!!!
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Today at trivia: learned a baby hedgehog is called a hoglet. You've many hedgehog themed shenanigans here and I thought you'd like to know if you didn't already 💕
YEAAAHHHH LIL HOGLETS !!!!!! an UPMOST important fact to know...
#snap chats#class ended early since we were just introducing ourselves but i still managed to have the most annoying night oh my god#first my professor accidentally shook my bad hand and i didnt tell him it was A Bad Hand#people usually tell me i have a really good handshake but now my handshake look AWFUL like im sorry prof my hand has cysts in it#awful first impression and those are big to me..#it gets worse though cause i went to get eggs and detergent and my card declined For Some Reason???#the only strange thing i did lately was get gas LMAO I DONT ??? UNDERSTAND.#i mean i got my shit with another card i have but i didnt get the receipt the first time since i thought it was in the bag#but no it gets worse cause i cant even get into my dorm building cause for some reason my id card just. does not open that door#IT OPENS MY DORM ROOM BUT NOT THE BUILDING DOOR and then i couldnt find the housing department room#so i have to email them tonight. to fix my stupid card ig.#but no so i ran back out to ask the clerk if he still had my receipt and He Didnt. Fair Nuff so he just gave me a rough estimate#which is SOOO fun so heres to hoping i didnt underpay my credit card. overpay Ill Live itll prob just be a few cents more#AND THEN I HAD TO DO THE AWKWARD THING WHERE I SIGNAL TO THE DESK CLERK TO LET ME IN. AGAIN#but yeah... AND THEN I HAVE CLASS AT 8AM on god i might just skip since i want to drop the class anyway#but thats also MAD disrespectful.. ill just hope class ends early idk..#so yeah. terrible night. it WILL get worse.#maybe ill make eggs.... not like i can buy food. i mean i CAN but ugh i hate doing credit card payment that shit so extra#and to top it off as i was leaving the store Again some mate was liek 'excuse me sir- oh im sorry excuse me ma'am'#MY GUY I AM WEARING A SUIT AND A FACE MASK AND I HAVE SHORT HAIR STYLED LIKE A DEBATE CLUB MEMBER#YOU WERE RIGHT THE FIRST TIME I PROMISE LMAO kms. fr.#ok im done ranting SORRY. thank you for the reminder baby hedgehogs got cute as hell names..#im gonna try to think of old people to feel better...
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#whew you know when you've been Going for a while and then you get a break and you're still tired but you're also so so jittery#S WHERE IM AT OHHH MY GOD#luxury problem and it's totally fine but i am crawling up the walls my friends#also update time ig!! took my family to the autism group meeting thing on tuesday bc it was a meeting esp for that#and they kept throwing me glances throughout the info part like lol it's you JDFHJDFH it was v interesting#bc throughout it all it's like... here i have info about autism and here i have my 25 years lived experience without thinking i had autism#and since i wasn't diagnosed as a kid i wasn't as ~obvious about it and i find it hard to reconcile examples with myself if they#don't fit 100% (it's . the autism) so anyways it was v helpful!!!#and my mum was like ah yeah i always had moments where i thought so?? but then it didn't fit the cold white boy stereotype bc i#am empathetic and i have humour etc so she never mentioned it to me bc it's a big thing etc and tbf i wasn't ~ready pre-this year#but now it's like... ah yes i was always upset on holidays and they never got why (the change in Everything)... i was picky with food#and with new shoes and i HATED shopping and it overwhelmed me so much (still does)#i would ask my mum what tf i was feeling and why i was crying and i would analyse social interactions#and i'd have obsessions with media and horses etc. was big know-it-all. was so slow with some subjects at school#like yknow when you had to copy letters 80 times? that'd take me ages and i'd get a fail bc i was being so precise#anyways. enough signs methinks dfjhdjh so now im just trying to see where stimming & eyecontact come in?#i never noticed a problem with eyecontact but im trying to let myself not do it and it's kinda nice?? but idk#and stimming idk i used to suck my thumb for a long time but?? i wanna try things but whew internalised ableism etc#so see then im like so ARE YOU ACTUALLY-- but anyways it seems i am#and my mum made me realise that'd. explain why i suddenly developed depression around age 11 and never got out of it again#so lots of Thinking!!! and wanting to shelve things like ok great figured it out NOW WHAT but noooo#also stupid to do this on tumblr and not rly talk about it with irl friends but what do you say like#hello im autistic? yeah it surprised me too. no i can't really explain how it works for me. no that's not how the spectrum works#so here we are yes#<3
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Venty vent oooooo
CW for disordered eating
#why is eating. so. fucking. hard.#i was doing FINE on my trip#and then suddenly im back home and just. can barely put a damn thing in my stomach.#theres no Thoughts accompanying it#just Every Single Food Item looks Absolutely Horrible and trying to nibble on things even is gross#yesterday i had. 3 sips of coffee and a few gulps of mango juice.#today i am at work and managed most of a sleeve of thin mints; some more mango juice; and like. not even two bites of a pancake#MY BODY IS SO HUNGRY AND IM SO NAUSEOUS#im doing less physically demanding work than usual today which is like. good and bad ig#im not suffering too bad but also if i were then mAYBE I COULD MF EAT#idk im just. frustrated with myself. i dont even know whats causing this so idk how to deal with it.#my dysphoria is fucking raging but thats not the driving issue rn and my general body issue thoughts arent really driving it either#they are both happier but theyre not like. whats causing this#i just wanna be able to eat so i can have less fucking brainfog#oh i had a monster today too#idk why everything is suddenly so nasty tho#even foods i usually like dont sound good
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Tw ed/
#its been a preddy rough week overall i think but whats reqlly kinda concerning me is my comolete inability to eat atm#like i know i gotta and i have been trying to force mysekf but i really cant even stomach the thought of eating#this is my second day of this week w no proepr food entering me ig and its pissing me off#bc i want to eat like i know im hungry#but every time i try i just want to vomit lol#managed to get a big iced coffee n a small bubble tea down today but i want to eat real food :^(#im gonna buy myself sushi tomorrow so i can hopefully eat#its like trying to feed a child fml#and at this point im like kinda morbidly curious how long i can go without eating a proper meal before fainting or something#havent fainted in a while idk#im tired and everything feels tingly and my head hurts :^( i hope i eat tomorrow#silly hrs only#im feeling the need to justify posting here bc it feels like seeking pity or soemthing but i just dont really have anyone to say this to#like id feel bad ig#and theyd get mad ofc bc im being silly#but also its been busy and im really emotionally and physically soent this week so like taking care of mysekf is hard#ao im trying to cut myself some slack but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#been a whike since i used tumblr as my diary anyway so im treating myself ig#nice to get the thoughts out n whatever#anyways goodnight#gommywords
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#food u ate was bad#i am so very overwhelmed today??? i feel like a bubble about to burst#and i like my twt friends knowing of my wellbeing but i feel bad mentioning i Feel Bad too pften lmao#also twt feels so. direct compared to tumblr where i throw my thoughts into the void if not for them to be heard but to vanish from my mind#also coffee place noises rub my brain in every satisfying way i havent felt calm all day and being here for even judt five minutes has made#me feel better too long tag lmao#tags always feel like im just vanishing bits of myself into nothingness so i dont have to ignore it or even dwell on it i just go okie#anyways i have a test tmrw and i did great on the qw today i was so Genuis#my hs teach is v flawed omfg#im studying for the test tmrw today w my pal#also possibly need to eat smth i felt awfully sixk earlier too#idk if its just anxiety sick or regular sick but i know i now have hunger shakes#its a rough recovery from rest week isnt it lmao#im also sleep deprived im so so sleep deprived once again i just Couldnt get to sleep#im just both too high strung and too relaxed about Being high strung simultaneously#i wanna take a nap so bad#i want a hug#i want to hug my parents 😭😭😭#i do thank them for being so smart and not getting anyone sick and staying home i just miss them so much#ill go get some hmmm food ig lmao#its actually rlly rlly hard and a lot of fucking effort to care for thyself and i hate that#i totally fet it but ugh
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