#just realized this is because I haven’t taken my meds all week. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

moonjxsung · 8 months ago

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hi baby angel🫶🏻

thank you for being literally the sweetest person ever!! i truly find so much comfort in your inbox! so i’m sorry if im annoying but i’ll never stop😅 thanks for bringing such a safe space for us💕 you’re the best! i have no words, just love!

i hope this isn’t overwhelming but imma vent a lil. bc i feel like im talking my ear off to my bf everyday so i might as well vent here to new people😂 so it’s been a tough couple of years in general. i’m kinda like super depressed and have been for like most of my life (i used to go to a psychologist but she dropped me but im waitlisted for one rn)! when i got surgery last year, i realized i don’t really love what i study. but i kept going to at least get my masters and everything was okay until this semester. im kinda failing a class (and i might be held back a year to repeat it) and i have intense impostor syndrome over it. and tbh idk if i’ll repeat it if i get held back. i’ve been thinking about taking a break after i take the tests to get my masters (which are this summer and i haven’t even had time, energy or motivation to study).

then there’s lolla! which im soooo excited for but it was such an impulsive decision. and i don’t really have much income from my assistantship job. so im not even sure i can get my hotel reservation and plane tickets until like May and that has me anxious af. this is one of my dream trips and im kinda scared for it. i don’t think i’ll cancel it or anything but i get so stressed about it amidst literally all the chaos in my life. so yeah this is trip would be my (and my bf’s) master’s graduation gift and my birthday trip as well. and i really want it to go as smoothly as possible. im kinda anxious for everything. which brings me to taking my meds again🥲 i kinda hate them bc they make me feel unproductive but i started again bc i was being unproductive anyways so at least im not as anxious anymore.

and on a lighter note, i really really want a tattoo but i can’t get another one until after lolla😭😭😭 and i had one planned for before summer but skz is first 🛐

anyways im equal parts excited and anxious for lolla! i can’t wait to see all those artists! and of course my other angel baby minho, the literal love of my life!

and this is the end of my venting session🥲 i hope i didn’t overwhelm you or anything! thank you for providing a safe space for us to express ourselves!

i love you sosososo much bb💕 have the best week and month and year! take care of yourself too!😘

-🐈‍⬛

My angel! 👼💞 First off, thank you for being so open with me about this, it’s so not easy to be this vulnerable with your emotions but this must have taken you so much courage and I’m so proud of you for talking about it and admitting that you’re not doing so great. That takes so so so much bravery!!!!!

I struggle with really bad impostor syndrome too and TRUST me when I say I’ve failed courses or had to repeat things in the past. School is by NO means an easy thing and especially not when you’re struggling with your mental health. You’re doing the best that you can given the circumstances and even if you can’t see a psychologist just yet (been there on the waitlist, it’s not easy!!) you’re bravely taking your medication again and doing something to combat your anxiety and that’s a MAJOR start. From acknowledging how you feel, to starting your meds again and even if you DO need to take a course, you can only move up from here. Feeling like you’re at rock bottom can be a good thing in hindsight because it forces you to look up at all the opportunities that still lie ahead for you- seeing results from meds, securing a psychologist down the line, even retrying a tough course or needing some extra time if you need it. None of this is a race, either, life is just a series of events and there’s absolutely no set time you HAVE to finish something. If you need to take some time to yourself or repeat a course or there’s ANY curveball thrown your way, the universe isn’t going to end because you needed a little more time. You’re only human, you go at your own pace and your story doesn’t have to mirror anybody else’s. It’s YOUR life and you’re doing pretty fucking amazing if I say so myself. Take some time to give yourself a little credit- think how many courses you’ve completed up until now, how many times you’ve reached out for help, even just how many rough days you’ve lived through. You’ve LIVED through all of that! Not just lived- you’ve THRIVED. You’re here, existing, still finding the joy in little things and doing it so gracefully and your shortcomings do not undermine any of your successes. Be proud of yourself and take a minute to acknowledge the things you’ve succeeded in along the way.

And about Lolla- May is still PLENTY of time to be able to book your hotel/flight to see the boys! That’s still like 2 months before the festival! Concerts can be really fucking stressful but don’t let this be a source of stress for you the way your job and the rest of life’s chaotic things are. This is meant to be a fun, relaxing birthday gift to yourself and in just thinking that way it’s bound to go well.

When I attended Global Citizen back in September, I hadn’t flown to New York in over 10 YEARS, and I was nervous out of my MIND. 3 days before the festival, they announced the skz car accident. I was a crying wreck. The flight there was delayed, the festival had rumors of being canceled due to hurricane weather, my sister and I didn’t get a WINK of sleep the night before and we were in TERRIBLE moods when we first got to the airport. My eyes were swollen from crying over half of skz not attending and my sister was stressing about how much money we spent considering it might be canceled anyway. Guess what we did? We planned our cutest outfits for the airport, we got some amazing airport breakfast, we sat down and we said let’s be in good moods for this whole trip. No exceptions. No more crying, no more sulking- let’s just stay positive. We planned out what to do in New York in case the festival was canceled, and every single hardship that happened after that we simply laughed about. We waited around 13 hours in line in the POURING rain to see 3racha, fought a girl in line and had to stand in wet mud to see them perform. And guess what?? We met the sweetest girls ever in line, laughed about everything, we bought ponchos together, we cheered for every artist, we got to watch 3racha and Jungkook, and I thoroughly believe everything went just fine because we chose not to stress about it even if it was the worst case scenario. I promise you even if there’s any stress involved, Lolla is going to be fantastic and you and your bf are going to have so much fun. And worst case scenario if you can’t go, tour is just around the corner! Skz aren’t going anywhere! Also second you on the tattoo bit- I’m itching for some new ink too but I think I’ll have to hold off for a bit 🥹 it’s okay! The time will pass anyways 🫶

Ending this longggg blurb with this tale of my New York trip- we left the 3racha show at around 11pm, and even though it was POURING rain, I said to my sister “let’s walk back to the hotel!” Mind you this walk was almost an hour long through the busy streets of New York, we were wearing skirts and had already been standing for nearly 15 hours at this point. But that’s exactly what we did- we walked home, stopped by a coffee shop on the way to the hotel that just happened to be open and had our first food (sorta) in HOURS. Passed by so many kind people on the way there, craned our necks up to look at the giant buildings and just dance in the rain. We took pictures of everything, beaming and on a complete high from having seen 3racha perform after such a rough day. It was absolutely magical. I vented to my sister about missing Felix, in particular, and then about an hour away from Central Park in a random dark alley, I looked down- and there’s a concrete drawing that just says “Felix”. Nothing else around, no sign of construction work or wet concrete. Just a random sign- to this day I take it as a good omen that you have to look for the good in every little thing. Walk home in the rain, laugh about the curveballs life may throw your way, give yourself some credit for at least trying. You might find a late night coffee shop and your bias wrecker in the concrete along the way… :)

All my love sweet angel. As always, I am always here for you. You’re doing just fine 💖💘💓💕💞🩷🫶

#🐈‍⬛ anon #ask

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backburnerdio · 2 years ago

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TB: Excerpt #9 — Homesick

Part 2 of this piece cw: language Words: 1294 Taglist: @irnalia, @waysofink, @ashen-crest, @spacetimewraithwrites, @dustylovelyrun, @idreamonpaper, @abalonetea, @jaimistoryteller, @kaiusvnoir, @writeouswriter, @reininginthefirewriting, @concealeddarkness13, @athenixrose, @asomeoneperson, @winterandwords (Please let me know if you’d like to be added or removed)

“Hey...” There was an extended pause from Garnet on the other end of the call. In the silence of three a.m., Beau could hear the muffled shuffling, a shaky exhale, a clicking swallow. Beau huddled in the barracks of the repair ward, arms wrapped around his knees. “I miss you.”

Two weeks since the search-warrant-gone-wrong that landed Garnet in the hospital. Two weeks in repair. Two weeks without visitors.

“Which is probably not what you expected when you called. Or what you called for. Maybe you’re just testing connections or equipment or something,” Garnet began to ramble and Beau disconnected from the charger and system monitor to get dressed. “But I do. I miss you, and what happened really fuckin’ scared me. And, like, even though I’m talking to you on the phone, I still miss you. I’m still scared I might lose you.”

Beau knew Auditors would find out he was missing eventually, but not until morning. That would be later’s problem. He slipped out of the labs, sneaking down the back stairwell to one of the back doors Auditors used for smoke breaks.

“I shouldn’t have taken us in there. I was too caught up in finally getting rid of that fucker, I was blind to the fact I was putting you in danger. Severe fucking danger. You’re always telling me to slow down and I never listen.” He rambled on, groaning at his own incompetence. Beau stood on the sidewalk, bundled in the jacket as he checked up and down the street for traffic before hurrying across the road to board the tram.

There was another, heavy exhale from Garnet.

“I gotta be honest with you, Beau,” his voice became thick as if he were trying not to cry. “I think about you a lot. All the time, actually. Like, I thought quitting smokes was tough –trying to quit thinking about you takes the fuckin’ cake. Lemme tell you. It’s you. It’s just always you. You’re like some tattoo I got in my mind. Your plants are here, your jacket’s here –it’s like you’re everywhere except right here.”

Beau noticed someone else on the tram staring. It was then he realized he was smiling like an idiot from beneath the jacket’s hood. Keeping hold of the stanchion, he turned away from them, pretending to adjust an earbud.

“And I probably shouldn’t have called. Maybe it’s the pain meds making my jaw loose, but I have done the silent and stoic route before and it’s not worth it. I’ve got regrets about not saying things to people before I lost them. And I know because of that I’m probably no good at it, but I just had to tell you. I’m sorry and I miss you something fierce. I hope you’re okay. I hope I haven’t fuckin’ scared you.”

|I’m okay,| Beau assured, getting off at his stop. |And you? Are you okay?|

“I sound that bad, huh?”

|You sound like you need a hug.| He hurried up the apartment steps.

“You are so mean to me, and I deserve it,” Garnet chuckled.

|But are you okay?| Beau paused at the door, systems protesting so much movement, HUD complaining about a myriad of reasons.

“I’ll be alright…”

|Alright enough to come to the door?| he waited a moment before knocking.

“What?” There was shuffling on the line, a clatter and it was moments later when Beau heard him through the door he realized the phone had been dropped. He ended the call, smiling as Garnet pulled the door open. He was cluttered from head to toe in bruises and bandages. There was stubble growing on his face, bandages plastered across his brow, shoulders, thigh, and side from stitches and bruised ribs. One arm was wrapped in a sling, giving him almost a hunched stature as he stood there gaping at Beau on his doormat.

He braced his good arm against the door jamb, hobbling out with his tender leg, pulling Beau into a tight, one-armed hug. Beau caught him, gratefully leaning into him, arms wrapping about his middle. Garnet pressed his face into the shelf of Beau’s shoulder, keeping hold of him.

“You alright?” his soft voice was muffled into Beau’s shirt.

“Yeah,” Beau smiled. “You?”

“Am now,” Garnet finally leaned back, scanning him over.

“You look like shit,” Beau laughed brightly to keep from tearing up.

“Pot, meet kettle,” Garnet tugged him in, closing the door behind them. “You know, I didn’t mean to make you feel like you had to come over. Aren’t you still in for repairs?”

“Well, not right now,” he couldn’t stop the smile at the technicality.

“I noticed, smartass,” Garnet chuckled, wincing as he hobbled over to the couch to sit. Beau followed, frowning at his condition as he sat down beside him. “It’s probably the meds. I wasn’t trying to guilt trip you into coming over. You could get into trouble. I don’t want—”

“Jaime, I came over because I wanted to,” Beau interrupted,. “I’m just waiting on parts anyway, I much rather wait here with you because, well, you’re right. I miss you too. I think about you a lot. I guess because I like you.” The worry in Garnet’s face twisted into confusion.

“After all that?” he blurted. “I-I almost get us killed and that’s what you’ve gotta say?”

“C’mon, you don’t really think that was your fault,” Beau pressed. “That was Benton being a monster. Not you.”

“It was my idea to go in there. You’re the one who said we should have waited for backup. And -and that doesn’t even cover the way things started out. I’ve always fucked around and been terrible with you. I never really apologized for that, so let me start there. I’m sorry for the shit I put your through in the beginning.”

“Garnet—”

“And if, if you really feel this way I can’t help but think that I’ve tricked you. Because –hold on, lemme finish, because I know you’re still figuring a lot of this out. You’re still learning about yourself, not to mention the fucked up society that is humans. No way I should be your first choice.”

“But it’s my choice,” Beau interrupted, “I chose you, Garnet. A while ago. And we’ve done plenty of stupid, dangerous shit before and it’s never made me reconsider. That’s what I like about you. You’re real with me. I care about you because you treat me like a person—"

Garnet gently pressed a hand over Beau's mouth, hesitating to speak and barely whispering when he finally did.

“Please stop talking for a second,” he asked, and Beau immediately complied. He sat there patiently, nervously, trying to prepare for Garnet’s reaction. "A while ago?" he echoed a little louder. "How long ago was awhile?"

“When we went out drinking and you got wasted,” Beau answered before the hand moved away. Garnet slouched back against the couch. “I tried not to. I was… panicking a little bit. But I couldn’t help it.” He didn’t expect Garnet to start laughing, worried at first he’d embarrassed himself. But Garnet leaned over, letting his temple rest against Beau's shoulder, hand falling away.

"I did too," he confessed. Neither of them said anything for a few more moments while they got comfortable on the couch. He let his power-saving systems kick in, almost missing what Garnet said. “Glad you’re okay,” he whispered heavily.

The apartment was still and quiet, and it wasn’t long until his breathing evened out in sleep. And for a long time, Beau listened. He’d been fully aware of how close he’d come to losing Garnet. That tonight could have been very different, if it had ever existed for either of them at all.

#amwriting #writeblr #writblr #my writing #original fiction #writing #wip: tb #tb excerpts

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unknowncallers-world · 1 year ago

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About a year ago, I wrote things about my ex that weren’t true. I was just so fucking numb I didn’t know what tf was going on. About a year ago, she was with Alyssa. And Alyssa dmed me telling me I was treating Taylor like shit and I was saying things I shouldn’t be saying. At the time I was hanging out with Shannen and I told Alyssa I was taken, which she didn’t believe. I mean I wasn’t taken. I lied. I lied about everything because I felt like everyone was better off without me but at the same time I didn’t want to feel like I did anything wrong. I was such a shit person. I still can’t believe who I was a year ago. Last year I started my med school rotations. I was happy with Taylor. Then something changed and I just became depressed and I refused to admit I needed help. We broke up. Of course that wasn’t all my fault. But the rest of it was. I couldn’t give Taylor space. I fucking wrote her a love poem. I fucking stalked her on twitter and tumblr. I would type her name in on Snapchat and ig to see if she unblocked me. Everything was a fucking mess. I was a fucking mess. I was so depressed. Not even the gym could help. I was eating like shit and too depressed to workout because I couldn’t stand to be in my own head. But then I got help. I got meds. And I worked on myself. I got better. I tried to heal. But once that started, I realized all of the ducking mistakes I made were it’s Taylor. I saw how shit and wrong I was and all I wanted was her back. Then randomly in November, i was checking like I always did to see if I was still blocked and I wasn’t. I remember writing on here that I wouldn’t reach out to her after everything that happened in hopes she was still reading this and would reach out. That same night I was dreaming about her and tbh I love dreaming about her because it’s like the only connection I have left. But that night it was like 1am. She followed me and dmed me. I thought maybe this was our chance. The next day or maybe a couple days later she asked what I was doing. She randomly called me and we talked for a few hours. Right after that I had therapy and I knew I still loved her. I wanted to tell her so bad. So i did and she didn’t say anything. I tried so hard not to care. But eventually I just pretended like nothing happened. We started dming more everyday. We started being friends on switch and playing Minecraft together and we would talk on the phone. Then over thanksgiving she went to Arizona where I’m assuming she met her current girlfriend. I told her I loved her again. She didn’t say anything. About a week later she wrote me back. I still have that screenshot to this day, 8 months later. It was during the World Cup and all I said was that it was ok. She said she rooted for Messi for me and I said thanks. Then she started posting about Jackie more. One of the hardest things I did was to unfollow her. Eventually I went back to Illinois and I had a rough few weeks. I felt shitty. But eventually I started making new friends and going out more. I became happy. I met J who ended up being my girlfriend. I mean I asked her to be my girlfriend. I told her I loved her first. She visited me in Philly. I’m visiting her in Chicago in a few weeks. We talk about living together and all I can think is why do I feel more brave now to be with my girlfriend than I did with Taylor. Of course it was because taylor was my first girlfriend well my first relationship and I didn’t know what to do. But lemme say I haven’t gone one fucking day without thinking about her. We matched and talked on Snapchat in December 2020. I remember seeing her stories when she was in Greece randomly. I remember always liking when she would check out my story. Then when we matched again September 2021 and started talking again, i was in shock about how it was turning out. We don’t follow each other on ig but not a day goes by where I don’t randomly type in her name. Not a day goes by where I don’t miss her. Not a day goes by where I low key hope they break up because I want her back. That won’t change. It will never change.

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hahaonlyjoking · 1 year ago

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musings on growth

i should really be more consistent when it comes to documenting my thoughts on myself because there are both a number of things that have changed and those that have not at all. since i wrote my last post i started a full time job at an animal shelter, and felt i was getting better! great! there were a few things that came before that such as breaking down sobbing to my therapist after accidentally accepting the job before i meant to and then being perpetually anxious for the first 6 months bc my co-worker definitely did not like me. but! i settled in, found a rhythm, made it work, became happy! decided to go back to school bc i felt i was in that such a good place now that i could do it! quit my job, went back to school. forgot to mention, global pandemic that started about 6 months before my first lecture, got really into baking. made macarons!

first semester i took world politics and photoshop. loved one hated the other. guess which? i loved photoshop so much i decided that my major should be graphic design, and signed up for three classes the next semester! wow! doing so well! second semester and i stopped doing assignments for art history bc it was 1000 words a week and i simply could not make myself do it. the urgency was not compelling enough. but now i was self-aware about my executive dysfunction instead of me literally almost self-harming screaming whyyyyyy. so growth? hmmmm. finished the other 2 classes! woooo! should be a-ok to sign up for 2 for third semester! half-way into third semester the executive dysfunction picks up and i’m not completing work for either class and send a half-assed sorry! gotta drop the classes! to the professor and then ghost. lol. around the same time i stopped going to therapy. they were video calls at this point (still in a global pandemic) and i ghosted there too. my lack of accountability is really going to catch up with me at some point.

anyway, here i am, over two years later and no more credits done since then. lying to pretty much everyone around me that i’m still in school, still working on a degree, still taking meds, still in therapy, still seeing a psychiatrist. i feel as though my understanding of myself has increased leaps and bounds but that’s not something i can really use to help me change my behavior, just analyze it. and saying feel there is particularly noticeable. meaning that is not necessarily true ahahaaaaaaaa. regardless, first step is getting back on meds. i’m exercising now (growth! working w my trauma!), and my hypothesis is that plus the wellbutrin i think i can get back to arf mood. healthcare is currently taken care of *wipes brow* luckily, bc that was part of the reason i stopped getting meds/going to the psychiatrist. i couldn’t make myself deal with health insurance and i couldn’t explain that to my therapist. i do feel like she could’ve reached out more than twice after she stopped hearing from me though. it’s fine, whatever.

so if i was going to make a goal for this summer it would be getting back on meds and signing up for classes again.

but that should wait actually because for over a year my eyes have been deteriorating and part of the reason i haven’t gotten them checked out is health insurance related. so i webmd diagnosed myself with macular degeneration as a symptom of diabetes, went on a keto/low carb diet and lost a significant amount of weight (we’ll get back to that). since insurance’s figured out, probably, and i got an A1C blood test back saying everything was normal it was hard to keep up with the diabetes idea, but i am bc my eyes are still fucked. so that first. i gotta take care of myself bc i’m not a ghost anymore. i am not in a liminal state of being. i am a person who affects the lives of others. i will die, but before that i need to live.

back to the weight thing though, i don’t think i realized how bad my image of myself was until i lost this weight. i think i really hated myself but decided instead of doing that actively i’d just not care about it. a coping mechanism, but it’s created a problem for me now that i’ve lost this weight i don’t want to gain it back. i’ve noticed this thought and have been working to combat it. i think i was affected in a different but similar way to kenna. i was not fat in high school but i became so in about 1-2 years afterwards. it went hand-in-hand with my depression so i think i’ve conflated the two. it also doesn’t help that i continue to get outside positive reinforcement about it. people will say “looking good” and i want to shoot them and then myself. because it’s nice to get compliments but DON’T COMMENT ON PEOPLE’S BODIES!!!!!! an aside, it’s 2023, i shouldn’t have to say that to people my age. so, i’ve been struggling with self-image quite a bit more than i can remember ever doing before.

growth? we shall see.

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cookieisnotameal · 1 year ago

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ATL - All Time Low

For the past several months, since the start of the year really, my wife and I have been having a pretty significant mental health crisis. It’s funny how these things creep into your life. What feels like a gentle grasp at your throat quickly turns into a chokehold on your daily life and the next thing you know you’re spending most of the day either sleeping or avoiding any kind of responsibility that might force you to leave the house. Worst part is, it’s comfortable. You know on some level that this isn’t healthy, isn’t living. Fuck it’s barely functioning. But it’s comfortable and that makes it even more difficult to admit out loud that there is a problem that needs to be addressed. You’re still alive after all. You still eat. Maybe. Most of the time. The electricity is on. You’re safe. Warm. Your base needs are met so it can’t be that bad…right? Then reality pays a visit when you realize you haven’t taken out trash for a week and there are things squirming on the floor. When you haven’t been doing laundry and you slept so late that the dog decided to use your towels to relieve himself all over them. When the prospect of cooking becomes too much of an effort so you Doordash for the third time today because you just don’t have the energy. When you don’t pick up your meds. You should have. You had enough money to do so. But that would mean putting on pants, getting in the car, and talking to people and that’s too much right now. It's not that you never try to crawl your way out of the pit. You have a good day, or even just a desperate day, and you manage to get up and get a few chores done. Enough to make your environment slightly more livable. It feels good. Hopeful. You can catch a glimpse of sunlight and you start to feel like you can make it all the way out if you just put in the effort. And yet a week later you’re staring at the same problems slowly getting worse because you spent all the energy you had trying to make it better and you ran out of spoons again. I like the spoons analogy. It’s a simple metaphor for a significantly more vast and complex problem. It makes sense and it’s easy to explain to others when they don’t quite get (or don’t really want to listen to a lecture) about all the chronic mental health issues I’m dealing with. Lately, I’ve been telling people “It feels like I’m cleaning the same spoon every day.” The truth is I’m having more and more days where I don’t even both to clean the spoon anymore. I decided to start this blog for myself. I know it’ll probably trickle in a little bit of attention. It’s a mental health blog on tumblr for fucks sake. At the end of the day this is me attempting to help myself keep track of where my head is instead of just using maladaptive daydreaming to avoid thinking about myself. We’re making attempts to improve and I want to be able to look back and motivate myself to keep trying even when it’s hard. Gonna be some heavy subject matter from time to time. I’ll do my best to use trigger warnings and cuts but honestly I’m writing this for myself. I’m happy for anyone else who wants to ride along.

#introductions #mental health #atl #all time low #depression #emotional health #journaling

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yanderechuu · 3 years ago

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[5.1K]

part 1, part 2 (this), part 3, part 4

class 1a with a reader dealing with clinical depression.

warning: depression, starvation, depressive symptoms; i’ve done research but this isn’t the accurate procedures of clinical depression; obviously made dramatic; i am not a psychiatrist/therapist

│

You told your psychiatrist all of what had happened the past week.

“You’re irritable. That’s just a side effect of the medicine.” He said, proceeding to mutter as he jotted things on his clipboard, “So you’ve been experiencing mood swings...”

Just? If he weren’t benefitting you in the long run then you would have hit him on the face with your quirk, but you were a hero-in-training, and you were willing to bet that that urge was just another reaction of your so-called mood swings. No one told you losing friends would be another side effect. No one told you that you’d lash out and cause to hurt other’s feelings.

No one told you it would venture this deep.

You leaned forward, resting your elbows on your thighs as your arms enveloped around your own person. “I hate this.” You croaked, allowing tears to run down your face because only your psychiatrist knew the heaviest pain you’d been experiencing. “I shouldn’t have taken those shitty meds, s-shouldn’t have spoken to them like that. I’m such a bad friend, what more would I come to be as a hero?” Then, you added: “I-I should just die.”

Your psychiatrist was silent for a period of time. He was either evaluating you or trying to find the right words to say. Either way, both only meant you were a lost cause.

“You aren’t my only patient who’s a hero-in-training.” At length, he began. “I’ve had this boy who took sessions with me because of childhood trauma. Says he regrets not saving his mother from his father’s abuse.”

“Oh.” You muttered, guiltily. “Is he alright now?”

“He’s getting there. Point is, to save others, you have to be in a place where helping others is attainable. Say that you are in a building on fire along with other children; you won’t be able to take them out alive without surviving yourself. You can’t expect to value the life of others when you can’t even value your own.” You saw the way his eyes avert shortly to the clock as you stared at him in awe, his words gradually sinking into your mind. He abruptly jotted down your prescription, ripping it off the pad and handing it to you.

He smiled securely. “You’ll make a fine hero, alright? Don’t doubt that; you’re already taking steady steps going there.”

===

Izuku’s group didn’t invite you to the cafeteria today, unlike how they always did. You assumed Ochako had said something regarding your outburst which resulted that way. That was fine in any case. You didn’t want to give your classmates more reason to resent you.

You’d planned to starve yourself once again, like what you’d often been doing these past months. The initial reason was that you’d been simply too lazy to drag yourself to the cafeteria and get a meal, telling yourself to tolerate the regret you’d be feeling later in hero training due to the lack of energy; then suddenly you’d disregarded that reason, shifting to that you were extremely unmotivated to do hero training, so there was no point in fueling your body with food; now, you only felt as you didn’t deserve to eat because of your last week’s actions.

A slice of cheese wrapped in aluminum plopped down on your desk. Your dead eyes looked up to see Aoyama with his usual grin.

“...what?”

“The cheese is very good. You should probably taste it.”

Odd. You couldn’t remember the last time you’d interacted with him. “No, thanks. I’m not hung...”

He shoved a piece of cheese on your mouth before you could finish.

“Of course, you are! You went out of your dorm and straight to school, so that meant you didn’t eat breakfast. You stayed in the classroom during recess, too.” He explained. “Which means you haven’t eaten anything since last night.”

You slowly chewed on the dairy, eyes narrowing in blunt realization. Now that you thought about it, you really haven’t eaten anything last night. You’d inculcated into your mind that there were better things to do than eat, and if there were none then you’d sleep your hours away to pass time (to rid your thoughts of committing -). The most recent thing you’d ingested was your quotidian pill.

You grunted, curling into yourself, arms around your stomach as the pang of hunger finally hit you hard. “Ugh... you’re right...”

Aoyama took out his lunchbox and settled it in front of you. “You can have a portion of my steak.”

But you refused, bearing the effort to stand up, though you only fell at the moment you thought you’d gained stability. You slumped back to your chair, and Aoyama stood up in concern.

“A-are you alright!?”

“Yes.” This time, you brought yourself to your feet and stood up just fine. “I’ll go get myself a snack.

“I’ll come with you.”

“No need.” You started walking to the classroom door.

“But you might fall again!”

“Which is none of your business if I do!” You snapped, turning to and glaring at your classmate who only wanted to help. “What will you do, anyway? Guide me every step of the way? What am I, a toddler?”

Only one look at his face was enough for you to halt any further remarks at the tip of your tongue, eyes widening upon looking at his countenance, which seemed so crestfallen, so familiar, like.. Mina and Kirishima’s.

Staring at you incredulously, brows creased in shock and hurt, eyes questioning as to why you’d suddenly talk to them like that. Breathing deeply, you reminded yourself that this was just another side effect of the dose, and you were not about to end another friendship merely because of your unstable emotions.

You spoke, words slow as you processed them thoroughly. “Look, I’m sorry I yelled at you. I appreciate your offer, really, but... it makes me feel so dumb that I’d be needing your help in going to the vending machine.”

“You’re not dumb at all.” He shook his head. “Civilians need heroes’ help in times of need. They aren’t dumb.”

“I’m no civilian.” You glanced at him dejectedly, mustering up a little smile to alleviate the mood. “And I don’t need help.”

Aoyama hummed in uncertainty after a short period of silence, questioning the authenticity of your tone.

Upon opening the door, Izuku stood there, wide-eyed and caught red-handed eavesdropping on the conversation you just had with Aoyama. Behind him were Iida, Ochako, and Shoto. They were all witnesses to your outbursts.

You pushed him aside and ran along the hallway, shame instead of energy fueling your system to move your legs.

“(Y/n), wait!”

But Izuku couldn’t find it in himself to chase you. Iida was too stunned to reprimand you for running in the corridors, and Ochako was indecisive of what to do. Shoto was reminded that he’d still have to know your answer to his offer of tutoring you.

Aoyama stood inside the classroom, equally concerned and confused as they were.

===

Hero training came eventually, the class you used to anticipate with ardor but now so resented. And with that resentment came the misfortune of being partnered up with Mineta in the activity.

Perhaps that wasn’t the worst misfortune; you were also against Shoto and Bakugo.

“Why is it like this!? We’re gonna die!” Mineta exclaimed in horror. “They’re gonna treat us like real villains and actually kill us!”

You tried not to let his pessimism rub off of you when you already got your own pessimism to deal with. You could have agreed with the thought that this was unfair, that there was an obvious power imbalance with both duos, but the pair was decided by a simple random sampling of picking out names out of a box. Besides, there seemed to have been a sudden jab to your pride that made you refuse to back down. You caught yourself finding entertainment in reckless things.

“You could always avoid them and make me do all the work.” You suggested stoically.

“But I won’t get any points with that!”

“That’s fine.” You replied. “You don’t want to die, right?”

You zoned out Mineta’s annoying rambling, setting your gaze on the opposing team instead. Bakugo was screaming at Shoto’s face, telling him “not to get in his way” or something along those lines. They were strong individually, you thought, but they were stronger when partnered up.

So it was probably best to have them separated.

You sat on the ground to ease the pain on your empty stomach under the ruse that you were adjusting the boot of your hero costume (and partly to get on the level of Mineta so you could talk to him without needing to louden your voice). Then, you looked at your partner, who was still shaking profusely.

“Why don’t we separate them instead?”

“And fight them one-on-one? I can’t do that!”

“I mean it’s better than having them team up and destroy us entirely.” You glanced at the opposing team, and for a quick second locked eye contact with Shoto. You turned back to Mineta. “We’ll make believe that separating them was accidental, so they won’t figure out our plan.”

“...fine.” He sighed defeatedly. “What’s on your mind?”

It was a simple plan with a difficult execution - to separate Bakugo and Shoto - which admittedly wasn’t quite the best but given your circumstance it sounded the most proficient. Your gut all the while clenched not in anxiety of the proceeding battle, rather due to the fact that you quite literally haven’t eaten anything since last night, unless including the one bite or two you’d taken from the snack that you had bought from the vending machine, having not finished it because you lacked the appetite to, as often nowadays.

The alarm rang, signaling the commencing of the activity and allowing you to venture farther within the maze of Ground Gamma. Mineta ran behind you, and noticed the way your arm held your stomach as you heaved unevenly.

“Is something wrong?” He asked.

“Nothing is.” You knew he was referring to you.

“Well I gotta be real with you, (y/n). You’ve been acting kind of weird lately.” He was weird. You two weren’t even close. “Not only that, it seems like everyone’s been avoiding you, too.”

You slowed your steps down, having your guard up as you looked everywhere for signs of enemy. Partially, you were curious of whatever else he had to say.

You asked, “You think they’re doing that deliberately?”

“I wouldn’t know.” He shrugged. “But by the way you’ve been acting, it looks like you don’t mind being left alone, which tells me that you must have purposely done something to make them avoid you. Not that I care, of course, you do whatever-”

In a fragment of a second, you pushed your short classmate aside, saving him of the burns brought by Bakugo’s quirk as he propelled his way to your direction, violently and rashly.

“Best save your damn conversation later!” He yelled, grinning maliciously.

You body was sent back, hitting the a pipeline, causing air in your lungs to get knocked out of your system.

“[Hero name]!” Mineta exclaimed.

Bakugo gripped your throat as you struggled to breathe, but you were able to harden your gaze on your partner, telling him to get on with the plan’s execution; to keep Shoto busy as you handled Bakugo.

WIth your quirk, you were able to successfully get him to let go of you, and immediately after you avoided the explosions sent your direction. You made your way out through a series of pipelines, getting him to follow, deliberately farther and farther away from his partner.

“Shit- Todoroki!” He screamed, cautious of not leaving him behind. but you ripped his attention by using your quirk against him. Supposing him to land a large explosion on you, you avoided heat the moment he did. Abruptly, you used your quirk to give him a hit.

“That was the plan, wasn’t it? To get me separated from him.” He grunted, the traces of your quirk scarcely hitting the skin on his shoulder, but not quite being a bother to him entirely. “Fine, I’d very much entertain that shitty plan of yours!”

But you didn’t really listen to his arrogant voice. Your body was light as you avoided his attacks, mind in a state of untouched lake, not quite confident of winning against him but never really worried, either. Hell, your aching stomach was no longer even a bother to you. You utilized your quirk every now and then, and you fought great even without vigor, though essentially your consciousness was floating up in the clouds, away and away and away...

And then you realized you were dissociating.

He wasn’t given the chance to come after you as you propelled yourself up to settle on a pipeline. He was standing on the ground, looking up at where you were in agitation and slight confusion, shoulders heaving as he caught his breath after a long period of time of using his quirk while you were only standing, still and unpredictable.

“You backing out? Fuckin’ coward.” He hissed, smirking derisively.

You couldn’t think, couldn’t move, the last of your ability to comprehend leaving you, betraying your body, but you were sure that if your dissociation took a form of bodily movement then you’d be shaking, sweating, screaming, dying. You shut down against your will.

Body falling to the ground, with no one but Bakugo to catch you.

“Oi! Shit- (y/n)!” He held you in his arms, shaking you vigorously. “Wake the fuck up!”

The alarm rang, signaling the end of the battle.

===

You woke up from a dream that everything was fine, that you had your friends back, that you were never stuck with this stupid thing called depression. The ceiling of Recovery Girl’s office greeted you sullenly, along with someone right beside you.

“Rise and shine, sleeping beauty.” The doctor herself said, sighing in relief and taking a clipboard that rested on your bed the entire time. You didn’t like the sight of it; it reminded you of your psychiatrist.

“I...” you noticed the orange quality of the room brought by the sunset from open window of the infirmary, “what happened?”

“You collapsed in battle, dear.” She explained. “All because of an empty stomach.”

Ruefully, you hung your head in shame, eyes staring at the white of the blanket.

“You haven’t eaten since yesterday, have you?” She asked, and you shrugged, avoiding her gaze. “I would know; your friend Aoyama told me that.”

She handed you a packet of biscuit from her pocket. “Eat this while we wait for Aizawa to come back with your full meal.”

You shook your head. “I’m not hungry, but thank you.”

“Eat or you’re not coming back to dorms and we’re taking you straight to the hospital for a lengthy checkup of your digestive system.”

Immediately after, you took the biscuit, tearing it open to reluctantly bite the food. Your appetite didn’t return, and you were sure you’d be vomiting shortly after ingesting after a long period of not eating anything, but when you swallowed, you felt none of the expected. You looked at the biscuit packet. Baby biscuits, it said.

A knock on the door followed by its opening reached your ears. Footsteps were heard, and soon you found Aizawa by the edge of the infirmary curtains, carrying a tray of food with his hands. Upon noticing your conscious form, he walked towards you, placing the tray down on the bed table after setting it before you.

“I’m glad you’re awake.” He said. “We would have taken you to the hospital if you didn’t wake up by midnight.”

You looked at the tray situated in front of you. It had two plates, one with steamed vegetables, like broccoli and carrots, and the other with a variety of cold fruits - neither was able to stimulate your appetite. You opted first to drink the fruit juice that was on the corner of the tray.

“Your stamina is one of a kind; you were able to fight against Bakugo without proper nutrition.” Aizawa began.

You placed the glass down. “Thanks.”

“That wasn’t a compliment, (l/n). That just means you’ve been missing meals to the point that you’re already used to it.”

“Oh.”

You carefully grabbed the chopsticks and brought the steamed vegetable to your mouth, chewing cautiously. It wasn’t like you were avoiding eating for body image, or because you simply wanted to starve yourself to death (...); you only ever avoided meals because it never spurred on you the will to eat, even when your hunger was practically tearing your gut apart.

“I informed your guardian of this incident. Also, Yaoyorozu will from now on take note of the amount of times you’ve eaten in a day.”

“W-what?” You asked, looking up to him in shock. You didn’t want to be an additional responsibility to the people around you. Not now, not ever, not when you were already so capable of handling things yourself. What were you, a toddler? “That’s... that’s not needed. I can do that myself. I don’t need to- don’t need to have anyone worrying about me.”

Recovery Girl looked at you sympathetically. You heard Aizawa sigh, and you winced, because that must have meant he was sick of having to deal with you as his student. Things would alleviate for him if you’d get expelled.

“If you don’t want anyone to worry about you, then make it clear that you’re doing well.” He said. “Eat your meals three times a day. Drink water. Spend time with others to let them know you’re alright.”

He left the infirmary shortly thereafter, ensuing silence as you slowly finished your meal, the noise only in the depths of your mind.

He’s mad at me, he’s mad at me, he’s mad at me.

“He’s not mad at you.” Recovery Girl stated. “That silly Aizawa, doesn’t know how to project his feelings into words. He’s just worried sick, dear. And you don’t have to feel bad for that.”

Knowing you were still unconvinced, she continued, “You also get worried when your classmates are in danger, but are you mad they made you feel that way? No, right? It’s not responsibility, just human emotions.”

There was a knock on the door a second time, and she walked towards it, opening it to see the guest.

“Why are you still here? It’s past curfew.”

“Tch, I just came here to give them their stupid bag.”

You heard Bakugo’s voice across the room, not like the volume of his usual self but neither really considered to be an inside voice. He sauntered inside before Recovery Girl could allow him to, pushing aside the infirmary curtain, which just so happened to be yours.

You both locked gazes for a while, before he averted first, tutting and dropping your bag on the bed. “Get up, I’m walking you back.”

“Why?”

“Because you might fucking collapse again, that’s why.”

“Can’t you see that they’re still resting!?” the doctor exclaimed, hitting his shin with her syringe cane.

“Ow! What the fuck!?”

“Insolent boy, get back to dorms before some other teacher spots you!”

“It’s fine.” You interfered before the yelling could elevate, moving to sit at the edge of the bed, propping your feet on the floor. It was then you noticed that you were still wearing your hero costume, unzipped along the torso so your body could breathe properly as you slept. “He’ll walk me back. It’s true, anyway. I could collapse again.”

The atmosphere decreased in tension when you spoke. You classmate huffed, turning away and sitting down on a vacant chair. “Your uniform’s in your bag. I’ll wait here while you change.”

You eventually found yourself in school corridors, walking a few steps behind Bakugo as he lead the way back to dorms; so much for making sure you wouldn’t collapse when he can’t even see you, being in front of you. Still, you wondered what had gotten him to do so much as to wait for you past curfew. Violent as he may be he wasn’t quite the one to break school rules without justifiable reason.

You spoke, “Just to make things clear, it wasn’t your fault that I collapsed midbattle.”

“I fucking know that.” He hissed, as if offended you’d assumed that. “I wouldn’t give two shits if that were the case but you didn’t get any injuries from my blows, so that just meant you fainted because of something that had occurred before battle.”

Observant as always, you thought. You sometimes wondered how he was able to perceive well with all the chaotic energy of his nature. To your left, the sun rays brimmed on the edge of the horizon, coating your skin a translucent golden orange along with Bakugo’s.

“It’s because you’ve been struggling with something, haven’t you?”

You stopped in your track; that confirmed his suspicion.

“W...what?” You questioned, turning your face from the tempered glass to look at Bakugo who now had his front facing you. His red eyes interrogated you intensely, nearly bringing you to avert yours elsewhere, but you didn’t.

“It’s so fucking obvious, even dunce face notices the change. You’ll look dumb to deny it.” His intimidating form closed distance with yours. “What the hell is wrong with you? Skipping meals all of a sudden, are you tryna get fucking thin?”

“What? No.” You replied, truthfully and defensively. “Look, Bakugo- it concerns nothing with you. Just-”

“Hell yeah it concerns something with me. You think I was satisfied with our fight earlier? That you’d just collapse like that and not give me a proper fucking victory?”

You didn’t think that he was actually concerned for you, but it was funny that he made a big deal of the inconvenience you’d caused him even when he realized that you’d been struggling with something. He didn’t think of anything but himself.

“And you worried the living shit out of me these past weeks. Stuck in your room all day and always looking sick; almost makes me want to drag you out myself so you could touch some grass.”

But perhaps that was just his articulated words over the truth that he actually cared. You smiled inwardly.

“You’re always stuck in you’re room too, you know.”

He scoffed, turning back and resuming the journey back to dormitories, with you following suit. “Not as often as your dumbass. You’re a literal prisoner of your own dorm.”

This earned a short chortle from you. It was the first time in myriads that he’d heard something of your voice as authentic as that. There was this refreshing feeling that dawned in him upon hearing it, like gentle breezes of spring or waves crashing on feet. He never really took note of the lack of your laughter in class until now.

“I may not know whatever the hell that is,” he said, gaining your attention, “but what I do know is that you’re strong, and you’ll eventually get over whatever shit you’re going through right now.”

Your heart clenched in gratitude over his words.

“So eat your fucking meals and give me a proper victory next time.”

===

“I’m sorry for my attitude back then.”

You had your form bent in nearly a ninety-degree angle, facing Mina and Kirishima, whom you had reluctantly asked a portion of their time for.

“I’ve just... had a tough week. But I know that isn’t enough reason to treat you the way I did.” You stared at the ground, voice unwavering as to prove your point that you were genuinely sorry. “I understand if you don’t want to talk to me anymore. It’s okay, this can be the last time. I just wanted to let you guys know that I’m really, really sorry.”

It broke your heart to say that, because admittedly, Kirishima and Mina were two of the classmates whom you’d been very open with, not quite in the level of intimacy but in a level that no longer bore the sense of awkwardness and filtering. Losing them would meant losing a part of yourself that you so loved.

Still in a bow, you had yet to see the expressions in their faces, but their silence led you to the pit of your anxiety. It settled on the base of your stomach, sent a bile up your throat that you needed to swallow down. Your sight became blurry from tears.

You were lying. It wasn’t okay, you didn’t want to ever talk to them for the last time. You didn’t want to lose your friends no matter the severity of your mistakes, and that probably made you selfish. It was your fault that led to this and it would be your loss for mistreating two of the best persons you’d ever known.

You were so, so selfish, and perhaps gave more reason for them to drop you, but if there was anything worth being selfish for then it would be your friendship with them.

Tears were obvious in your face when you stood back up. They looked at you with surprised countenance, a bit at disarray as to why you were crying and you brought your arms up to wipe the tears inevitably flowing down your cheeks flushed from shame.

“I’m sorry, I-I,” you began, “I can’t afford to lose you two.”

“Why’d you ever think we even considered leaving you?” Mina was first to speak, voice cracking on the verge of breaking down as you.

“Because I was mean,” you replied, “and I hurt you two because I-” was stupid. Ignorant. Nothing short of a villain. But saying those would only have you guilt tripping them into forgiving you. “I was mad with things and I took my anger out on the both of you with those insults. I know that isn’t- isn’t manly, but I still did it. I’m sorry.”

She was quick to remove distance from you two, closing in on you with open arms so she could embrace you tightly you could nearly sense the sympathy she felt for your lonely self deprived of affection, and you never thought you’d feel so happy being destitute of air to the point of suffocation. When she parted with you, she held your hands, and smiled.

“I forgive you.” She said. “Because I know you didn’t mean any of it.”

“...but- but I still said-”

“What matters to me is that you apologized. And you were sincere with it, right?”

You nodded your head.

“Same goes for me.” Kirishima intervened, placing a hand on your shoulder and squeezing it gently. “Despite all of that, I still find myself valuing our friendship, (y/n). That just means you’re someone worth keeping.”

It was hard not to smile after hearing him say that. A breathy chuckle escaped your lips, their forgiveness relieving you off the heaviness of guilt. “This doesn’t seem enough, though. I feel like there’s more I should do to deserve your forgiveness.”

“Then let’s go on a date, just the three of us!” Mina exclaimed. “There at the cat café you cancelled on; whad’ya say?”

What else were you supposed to say?

===

It had been a while since you went out of the shadows of your dorm, dressed in sweater and pleated [pants/skirt] that gave you comfort because you feared you might break down from all the sudden sunlight and social interaction. While this date wasn’t particularly against your own accord, you felt the telltales of anxiety gnawing at the surface of your throat, the hollow of your lungs, squeezing your heart off of the ability to circulate, and soon you found it difficult to breathe, to blink, to-

A splash to the face and you were back to earth. Now wasn’t the right time to allow yourself to dissociate; you looked at the mirror and inculcated that in your mind. You spent a few seconds to rearrange yourself and soon you sauntered out of the restroom, heading directly to the table by the tempered window where two of your close friends were.

“Finally! We wouldn’t have started eating without you.” Kirishima exclaimed, shifting aside to give you space beside the cushioned seat. There in the table were a variety of confectionery food, excluding Kirishima’s choice because he didn’t have much of a sugar tooth unlike Mina and you, instead opting for something else rich in protein.

You let out a chuckle, politely setting aside a cat that was about to choose your seat as a sleeping spot. “You didn’t have to wait for me.”

“Nah, it’s not like we minded.” He moved to pick his chopsticks but Mina smacked his hand before it could get to them. “Hey!”

“Are you nuts?! The food was designed pretty for a reason!” She yelled, her phone in camera app held by her fingers. “Now, sit still look pretty, you two!”

After picturing you and Kirishima, she proceeded to take a few more photos of the cats, then only the food, focusing on each individual meal as if they weren’t meant to be eaten. You didn’t mind, but your redheaded friend sure as hell did.

“Done!”

Kirishima huffed, finally digging in to his plate. “Looks like your phone had more to eat than us.”

“You only say that ‘cause you have an appetite larger than an elephant’s.”

It was a soft chime, simply a gentle jingle, but your lighthearted laugh was enough to send your two companies in delighted shock, faces turning to look at you. When you took notice of their lingering stares, you grew a bit flustered.

“Is- is there something on my face?”

“No.” Kirishima responded immediately, smiling. “...I’m actually glad you’re enjoying this, (y/n).”

It took you a while to process that. Admittedly and to your surprise, you indeed found yourself enjoying time with your friends, the food, and the fact that you were outside and for once taking a breather from the suffocation of your own room. Maybe it was because they had forgiven you, or that the pills’ side effects weren’t as drastic as they normally would have been.

Either way, you couldn’t suppress a smile. The cat you had set aside savored the way your hand gently caressed its head. “Well, I’m glad I came.”

“Then we should do this often.” Mina blithely said.

Things were working out fine for you this week. It was the first time in months you’d been genuinely happy without being haunted with the threat that you’d be falling from cloud nine eventually.

You had those pills to thank.

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rkived · 4 years ago

Text

extra drabble #2: love is in the air and it’s rubbing it in right on pediatricsurgeon!jungkook’s face as he’s reminded that he’s awfully single once again. that doesn’t mean he can’t gift a special someone something, right?

or in which, jungkook thinks you’d look nice with tiffany & co. jewelry around your neck. (hospitalplaylist!au)

📍drabbles masterlist

‘‘What do you think she’ll like?’’ Taehyung asks Jungkook as they peruse through the Tiffany & Co. counters filled with expensive jewelry.

The youngest shrugs his shoulders, ‘‘Shouldn’t you know? You’re the boyfriend,’’ he comments, but it only garners him a displeased side-eye from his friend.

‘‘Why do I even bother asking for your help? You haven’t had a girlfriend in over a decade.’’ Taehyung mumbles, shaking his head as he keeps analyzing the sparkly bracelets. ‘‘So until you have one, don’t even try to use the I’m the boyfriend and I should know argument…women are far more complicated than that.’’

One of the pediatrician’s eyebrow raises, curious about the neurosurgeon’s words.

Jungkook blames Med School for his lack of ‘‘women knowledge’’. His dating life was basically nonexistent all throughout the years he was studying to get his degree and although he did try his best to go on a couple of dates after he got his specialization, he had realized that he was absolutely clueless about how to even date.

If he could grade his dating skills, Jungkook would give himself a less than average score.

He has to give credits to his friend. Although the older male was stressed about getting his younger girlfriend the perfect Valentine’s Day gift, at least he was trying. The neurosurgeon isn’t a patient person at all, and on any other occasion, Taehyung would’ve picked anything at random, swiped his credit card, and called it a day.

Jungkook doesn’t understand why does one put themselves through so much stress for one day. He’s a firm believer that there shouldn’t be a predetermined day to be romantic with your partner. Then again, Taehyung is right, the pediatrician hasn’t dated in a hot minute so what does he know?

The neurosurgeon clicks his tongue as he starts to think that he won’t be able to find anything for Yoonah in this store. He’s about to call Jungkook over to tell him that they should try Cartier next, but he holds himself back as he notices the youngest is stuck staring at one of the showcases displaying the latest arrivals.

Taehyung chuckles, placing his hand on Jungkook’s shoulder and startling him. ‘‘Thinking about getting someone something for Valentine’s?’’ He asks, wiggling his eyebrows playfully.

Jungkook laughs nervously, ‘‘No! I uh─’’

‘‘I think Y/N would really like that, don’t you think?’’ Taehyung interrupts him, a teasing tone to his voice. He actually has no damn clue what you even like, but he thinks it’s funny to pester his friend, especially when it comes to you.

It’s almost comical how embarrassed Jungkook gets whenever you’re romantically implied to him.

In any other moment, he’d tell Taehyung off. What does the neurosurgeon even know about what you like? This time, however, Jungkook remains silent as he looks back at the necklace that had caught his attention. Two interlocked pendants hanging delicately from the gold chain. It is something you would like.

‘‘So, are you gonna get it?’’ The neurosurgeon asks him, it almost feels like he’s cornering the youngest into swiping his black card right then and there.

Jungkook stammers, lips slightly ajar as he debates inside his head if he should.

He’s really not the type to give people gifts, not even to you. Although he did give you that spa day certificate last year, it was only because his mom had given it to him in the first place and he couldn’t seem to find the time to use it, regifting it to you because coincidentally you had been complaining about knots in your back that same week.

‘‘Let’s go,’’ the pediatrician mumbles, tugging his friends’ jacket to get him to leave the store.

There’s a really vivid picture of you wearing the necklace with a big smile on your face that he can’t seem to get out of his mind now.

---

You’ve always had mixed feelings about Valentine’s Day.

On one hand, you think the festivity is cute. The hospital gets decorated with pink and red colors, there are heart-shaped paper banners hanging from the walls and there’s even free candy all over the place!

On the other hand, it serves as a yearly reminder that you’re terribly single and have no one to spend this day with. Of course, you could always do something with your friends. Sadly, your friends are all busy doctors. Besides, you are very aware this day is marketed for couples. Whoever came up with the friendship idea must’ve been single and felt left out.

You already have plans of your own anyway. A bottle of wine and a family-sized bag of your favorite chips are waiting for you at home, you’re only left to pick what movie will be the chosen one for tonight.

The debate of what rom-com to watch is stopped as you enter your office, a gasp escaping your mouth as you notice the bouquet of flowers over your desk. Your eyebrows raise in surprise, taken aback by the sudden surprise.

You hadn’t been expecting anything from anyone. You were quite content with the amount of candy you had received, but something like this was far away from your mind.

It almost even scares you to look at it closely. Afraid it could be a terrible joke or a simple mistake someone had made, an arrangement wrongly delivered to you instead of the original owner. That’s a possibility.

Mustering up the courage to get closer, you pick up the bouquet to notice there’s a small blue box snuggled between the pretty flowers. Your eyes widen because...Tiffany & Co.? Yes, this must be a mistake.

There’s no note attached, which only makes you wonder who could possibly this gift be for.

You can almost hear a little devil Yoongi whispering from your shoulder finders keepers, it’s only fair since it’s in your office anyway. But there’s also ethical angel Namjoon on your other shoulder telling you to do the right thing, which is to head towards reception and ask who had entered your office and left it behind. Which you do ─ angel Namjoon rejoices as devil Yoongi swears he’ll get away with it someday.

The receptionist is typing away at her computer’s keyboard, registering the new files into the system as she notices you approaching with the bouquet on hand and she stops her work to smile at you.

‘‘Hello, Doctor Y/L/N! I see you got your Valentine’s Day gift, heading home already?’’ She asks curiously.

You chuckle, ‘‘I think there’s been a mistake.’’ The comment makes the receptionist’s eyebrows furrow together, confused at your words. ‘‘I don’t have a Valentine, so there’s no way this is for me. There’s not even a note attached to it.’’

‘‘Ohhh, I see.’’ She says in a tone you can’t quite pinpoint, getting back to her typing quickly.

You clear your throat, ‘‘I was wondering if you know who went inside my office today?’’

The receptionist refuses to look at you again, eyes focused on the screen in front of her. She shakes her head no, ‘‘So many people come and go, I lose track of them!’’

You sigh, defeated. The receptionist takes one last look at you before you leave, ‘‘That gift is for you, Dr. Y/L/N.’’ Your gaze moves back towards her, but you can tell her lips are sealed. Whoever left this behind must’ve asked for secrecy.

Looking back down at the bouquet in your hands, you smile slightly at the idea of this being yours. Someone actually gave you something for once.

The receptionist chuckles at your flustered cheeks and the smile you’re biting back from spreading across your face.

----

Jungkook’s phone buzzes as he steps outside his bathroom. It’s a message from the group chat and he quickly opens it, fingers beginning to tremble as he hopes it’s the long-awaited message he’s been hoping to see throughout most of the day.

[9:30 PM] Y/N 🥰❤️: i think i have a secret admirer?

[9:30 PM] Seokjin: Welcome to the club!

[9:31 PM] Namjoon: Why? Did you get something today?

The message that proceeds is one that makes Jungkook’s heart stop momentarily. It’s a selfie of you smiling, a gold necklace being the main focus as it sits pretty on your chest. These are the moments the pediatrician doesn’t question Namjoon’s diagnosis, he is crushing hard.

[9:34 PM] Yoongi: It looks expensive, good for you Y/N.

[9:32 PM] Taehyung: omg :0

[9:33 PM] Taehyung: that necklace looks awfully familiar…..

Jungkook is too busy staring at the picture to even notice Taehyung’s teasing.

It’s just like he had pictured, but much better.

a/n: hiii guys happy valentine’s day!! my gift for y’all is this drabble <3 pining 101 is a crowd favorite and i feel rlly guilty abt abandoning it :( but i HAD to write smthn for these two for vday!! hope u enjoyed n sorry (again) for the wait :P ps: although this is an extra drabble, this does take place during the main drabbles timeline!

#jungkook au #jungkook fanfic #jungkook fic #jungkook drabble #jungkook smut #jeon jungkook au #jeon jungkook drabble #bts drabble #d: pining 101 #kept it cute n short y'all for once

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luci-in-trenchcoats · 4 years ago

Text

A Place To Call Home: Halloween

Summary: A casual Halloween night out for some drinks between the reader, TJ and Cody becomes anything but when the reader thinks she may have been drugged at a bar. When she calls Jensen for help, their relationship takes a fundamental change...

Masterlist

Pairing: Jensen x foster daughter!reader

Word Count: 6,100ish

Warnings: language, drinking, drugging, angst, fluff

A/N: This part takes place after the Jensen’s Day timestamp. Enjoy!

______

“Trick or treat!” said Allie after your dad answered the front door in a batman t shirt.

“Well aren’t you the cutest little Elsa,” he said. He dropped a few big handfuls of candy in her bag and then a few more. He tickled Colin and got a laugh from him. “Colin you are the most adorable baby Yoda ever cutie and I gotta say...you ain’t a half bad Mandalorian, kid. You almost look tough or something.”

“It’s cause I’m a badass,” said TJ as he stuck out his chest.

“It’s cause you’re a nerd,” said your dad. You walked inside, Colin giggling as your mom stole him away without a second glance. “Nice costume though.”

“Y/N picked it out off some website or something,” he said. He sneezed and your dad shut the door. “God my allergies are killing me lately. Ragweed is horrible this year.”

“I know. De and I have been popping allergy meds the past few days,” he said. “You get it the worst.”

“Yeah but I started taking it like a week ago to build it up. I think it’s helping. Also, a bounty hunter and an adoptive dad? Mmm, peak man crush right there, babe,” you said, your dad rolling his eyes as TJ kissed your cheek.

“And what exactly are you supposed to be? A curtain?” teased your dad as you spun around.

“I thought I’d go another route,” you said. You took off your robe and he went wide eyed. “Soldier...girl?”

“Oh my God. You’re Solider Boy. That is so fucking cool!” he said as he looked you over.

“Jay, fuck’s a bad word,” said Allie.

“And we don’t repeat bad words, do we,” said TJ. “De’s got some more candy for you somewhere I bet.”

She took off up to the TV room and your dad walked around you.

“What do you think?” you asked. “Look real?”

“Okay that’s like good. Like real good. It’s just like mine from the show. Like even the shield looks the same.”

“It’s from the show. Kripke sent it to me. I know it’s a little big for my back but I couldn’t not use it,” you said. “I took a long shot and asked him on Twitter about it and he just like sent me the thing. He was really nice.”

“Good,” he said as he looked you over. “I am impressed. You guys might win your costume contest thing at whatever bar you’re going to.”

“I just want to go drink,” you said, TJ throwing an arm over your shoulders. “We’ll be back around eleven, midnight?”

“Go have fun. Mom and I’ll watch the babies tonight. Pick ‘em up in the morning,” he said.

“We didn’t pack bags for them,” you said. He stared at you and shook his head.

“You live a quarter of a mile away. We shall survive without you for one evening,” he said, pushing you both out the door. “Go have fun with Cody. I’ll see your hungover butts tomorrow, okay?”

“Don’t have to tell us twice.”

“Cody,” you said at the bar a few hours later. He finished off his drink and shook out his head. “Can you check on TJ? He’s been in the bathroom awhile.”

“Yeah. Order me another gin and tonic?” he asked.

“Can do,” you said. You hopped off your seat and paused for a moment, getting your bearings before you walked over to the bar. “Gin and tonic and another...graveyard…”

“Graveyard smash?” asked the girl behind the bar.

“Yeah. Another one of those. Oh and a bottle of bud,” you said. You handed over your card to pay, tucking it back in your shorts pocket. You brought the drinks over to the table, finishing off your margarita and the last of TJ’s old beer before you started sipping on the Halloween mixer.

It took about thirty seconds before you realized what you’d done.

“Fuck,” you said. You pursed your lips and took out your phone, biting your bottom lip before you dialed.

“You better be drunk calling me,” chuckled your dad. “What’s up, kiddo?”

“The guys are in the bathroom and I just drank from a glass that nobody was watching,” you said. You shut your eyes and felt a little off, not sure if it was because of the already decent amount of alcohol in you or something else. “What do I do?”

“Go to the bar and sit there and don’t move. The boys will be back soon,” he said. You tried to move but felt wobbly and sat back on your seat. “Y/N, don’t hang up on me.”

“Dad, I don’t think I can walk over there,” you said. “I’m drunk but...shit I fucked up.”

“Where are you?” he asked.

“Um, the uh...the place to the right of Jared’s.”

“Okay. Sit there. I’m gonna call…” he said as you stared down at the bathrooms. “Y/N. Answer me.”

“I think something’s wrong,” you said. “The boys are taking too long.”

“Cody is a police officer and TJ is tougher than he looks. They’re probably throwing up or something,” he said.

“TJ said he felt funny,” you said as you stared at his glass. “What if it was in his drink?”

“I don’t know but whatever you do, do not leave your spot,” he said.

“But it’s TJ.”

“Y/N I’m having a hard enough time not freaking out right now. Please do not move,” he said.

“Hey! Soldier boy!” said a guy walking by in a homelander costume. “Nice suit.”

“Can you do me a favor?” you said, the guy smiling as he leaned against your table. “My husband and friend went to the bathroom a long time ago and didn’t come back. One’s the Mandalorian and the other one is a zombie. Can you check on them for me?”

“Yes I can very drunk girl,” he chuckled. “I’ll be back.”

“Y/N, stop putting the phone down,” said your dad in your ear.

“Homelander’s going to look for the boys.”

“Your boys or The Boys?” he asked.

“Should I have clarified?”

“Just...I’ll be there soon. Don’t-”

“Boys!” you said, Homelander wandering back over with a very pale looking TJ and a wet Cody.

“I think your friends were puking in the alley,” said Homelander.

“Thank you so much,” you said. “You’re so sweet.”

“Mind if I get a pic? Your costume is kinda perfect,” he said.

“Not at all,” you said. You hopped off your seat and felt better. “Ah, okay. Just drunk.”

“Hm?” said TJ as you hung up your call and the other guy gave him his phone. “Hey there’s a starlight over there too.”

“Starlight! Come get your pic taken with the Seven, girl!” you shouted.

“She’s drunk,” said the homelander guy with a laugh.

“After three of those graveyard smash things? Oh for sure,” said TJ.

Half an hour later you were onto another drink and TJ was fanboying over star wars with another guy in a Mandalorian outfit. Cody was talking to the starlight chick who was maybe in a relationship with the homelander guy. They were at least mutually pining for one another if they weren’t already.

“Morris. Come on. I’m drunk and even I can tell Kayla Starlight over there is dying for you to ask her out,” you said. He shrugged and you cocked your head. “Oh come on.”

“She’s been my best friend since I was like four. Like, I can’t fuck up twenty something years of friendship if she’s...how fucked am I?” he asked as you smirked.

“So fucked,” you laughed. “Trust me. I was besties with my husband for years before we finally talked about it. Sometimes you just gotta-”

“Why the fuck haven’t you been answering your phone?” you heard your dad say. You spun around and gave him a smile.

“Is that the guy that played-”

“Walk away kid. Now,” growled your dad.

“See ya around, Y/N,” he said, Kayla disappearing with a wave with him. TJ spun around and your dad shot him a dirty look.

“What’d I do?” asked TJ.

“You three are glued to your phones yet tonight for some reason, you seem to have forgotten they exist. If you’d read a text then you’d know that she called me half an hour ago saying she thought she’d been drugged.”

“What?” Cody and TJ said, both of them staring at you.

“Fuck, Y/N I thought someone took you,” said your dad. You opened your mouth and he shook his head.

“She’s just drunk,” said TJ.

“Well thanks for the update. You could have answered your phone,” he said. He glared at you and shook his head. “Don’t ever do that again.”

He left the bar and you slid off your seat, jogging outside, telling the boys you’d be back in a minute. There were a lot of people out for a Friday night and it took a second to find him in the crowd.

“Dad,” you said. You caught up with him as he walked down the sidewalk. You tugged on his arm and the man spun around, very much not your father. “Sorry. I thought you were someone else.”

“Nice costume,” he said and you stepped back into another body, your head swimming. “You gonna puke? Alley’s over there.”

You turned your head and jogged around the corner, spitting up your stomach with a big heave. You wiped off your mouth and sighed, getting up to your feet. There was a shove on your back and you got pushed further into the darkness, falling onto the dirt and gravel. You spun around on your bottom and saw the guy from before.

“Be more careful, kid. You’re tripping there.”

“You pushed me,” you grumbled as you stood up, picking up a rock in your fist as you went.

“You’re on something. You got that look in your eye,” he said. You narrowed your eyes and he walked forward, close enough for you to whack him in the head with the rock. He swore as he fell down and you ran back onto the street, jogging away until you got to a street corner and saw a familiar back of someone’s head.

“Dad,” you said, tugging on his jacket, relieved to find it was him this time. “Dad, there was-”

“I don’t want to speak to you right now,” he said. You swallowed and stared at him, his face hard.

“Dad. I-”

“You never hang up the phone with me when you call me like that ever again, do you understand?” he said. You stared at him and his jaw clenched. “Of course you don’t. You’re drunk.”

“Dad I’m not. I-”

“You smell like vomit,” he said with a scoff. You turned around and saw the man from before hanging back, shooting you a look. “Go back to the bar, Y/N.”

“Dad-”

“Would you just go?” he shouted.

“Dad don’t. I need-”

“For fucks sake. Just go away.”

You let go of his arm, tears welling in your eyes.

“Grow up,” he said. You stepped back, watching him walk across the street.

“D-Daddy,” you said. He stopped in the crosswalk and looked back at you, his gaze following yours over to the man. The man saw him look at him and took off back towards the bars when he saw your dad scowling. Your dad jogged back over to you, tensing when you took a step back from him.

“No one’s gonna hurt you,” he said. He stepped closer and you squeezed your eyes shut. “Y/N. What’s wrong?”

“I feel funny and I’m drunk and I’m scared and I’m scared of you,” you breathed out. “You were gonna leave me alone.”

“Y/N-”

“You said you wouldn’t leave me alone,” you said. You stumbled over to a nearby wall and slide down it, your head in your hands. “Don’t leave me alone. You promised. You said so.”

“Okay,” he said as he sat down beside you. He kissed the top of your head and you heard him shudder. “You’re okay, munchkin, I promise.”

“How are you feeling this morning?” asked the doctor that walked into your room.

“Tired,” you mumbled. TJ and Cody were there in their own stalls, still in their costumes, your dad out in the hall talking to someone.

“Your blood alcohol content was up there,” he said. “Especially you, Y/N.”

“I want to go home,” you groaned.

“You’ll be discharged shortly,” he said. You grumbled and half an hour later you were signing something that you could leave.

“Y/N,” said your dad as you walked away from the nurses station. You glanced over your shoulder, glancing down until he came over. “We need to talk about last night.”

“No we don’t. We got too drunk. I fucked up. Lesson learned,” you said. You started to head out and he grabbed your shoulder. “Jensen let go.”

“Y/N,” he said, spinning you around. He opened his mouth and you crossed your arms, shrugging him off. “I made a mistake.”

“I had to beg you to help me. I called you daddy I was so scared,” you said. He shut his eyes and you growled. “Look at me.”

He snapped his eyes up, his eyes a little red already but you were too angry to care.

“The only other time I’ve ever called you that, I thought you were dead on that road. I thought...I thought there was absolutely...I was drunk and maybe drugged and your reaction was to get pissed at me, at us, for not answering phones. A man tried to attack me and I got away because my dad told me to grab whatever I could if I was ever in that situation. There you were, the safest place in the world, the safest I could ever feel after something like that happened and you told me to go away. I was terrified and you could see it on my face and you left me. You made me beg for you to help me. I don’t know who the fuck you were last night but you were not my father. You’re Jensen again until he decides to come back.”

“Y/N,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry.”

“Congratulations. You’re just like every other foster father I ever had.”

He stared at you and you turned around, walking past both TJ and Cody.

“Y/N,” said TJ and you kept walking. “Y/N. Jensen, she didn’t mean that.”

“Yes, I did. Let’s go TJ.”

One Week Later

The doorbell rang and you rolled your eyes, TJ walking past the couch and away from the door.

“TJ, can-”

“Tell him yourself,” he said, going to his office and slamming the door. You glared at it before going to the front door. You opened it quickly, your dad standing there in his raincoat and swallowing thickly.

“Is this about work?” you asked.

“No,” he said quietly.

“Then get off of my property.”

“Y/N-” he said as you slammed the door shut in his face. He rang the doorbell again and you ripped it open. “Honey-”

“I’m not your honey or kiddo or tall munchkin or anything, Jensen. This is me telling you that I want you out of my life,” you said. He lowered his head and you heard him sniffle. “I don’t give a fuck about if you cry. Get out of our lives. Stay away from my family.”

“I’ll do whatever you want me to,” he breathed out, forcing his head up. His eyes were red and puffy, face tired like it’d been that way for days. “I’ll do whatever you want. I promise.”

“You humiliated me,” you said, stepping outside and pulling the door shut. “I thought you loved me.”

“I do,” he said. “I love you so much you-”

“You don’t even know. Boo fucking hoo,” you said. He stepped back and looked small, rain dripping down on him now. “The real world sucks. Get used to it.”

“I made a mistake. Please,” he said. “Y-you don’t have to forgive me. You can...just let me try. Please. We’ve always tried. P-please let me try.”

You stared at him, watching him look down, watching him debate getting on his knees.

And it dawned on you what you’d done. What you’d said.

“Y/N, Y/N, honey,” said TJ. You looked up from the floor of your bathroom, your dad knelt down on your other side. “Honey, look at me.”

He grabbed your face and you felt wet tears streaming steadily down your cheeks.

“What happened?” you asked. “I was on the porch and now I’m here?”

“You were talking to your dad outside and he said you just...fell over crying.”

“Something’s wrong with me,” you said. You shut your eyes and TJ looked around.

“I’m gonna call the doctor,” he said. “Jensen can you keep an eye on her?”

“Of course,” he said. He kept his distance and you sniffled, opening your eyes. He looked down when you met his eyes and you started to cry.

“I’m sorry,” you said. You grabbed his arm and sat up on your knees, giving him a big hug. “Dad I’m so sorry. I love you. Please forgive me. Please. Please. I’m sorry. I want to be your daughter. I want my dad back. Please.”

“I wasn’t going anywhere,” he said. He relaxed and felt like himself again, your head resting on his shoulder.

“Uh, guys?” asked TJ. You lifted your head up, TJ holding up his phone. “Y/N, I think I know why you freaked out on Jensen so bad.”

“How would the doctor know that over the phone?” asked your dad.

“There’s a recall out on a certain allergy medication warning people not to take it according to this headline,” said TJ.

“Why would-”

“It’s not allergy medicine. It’s an antipsychotic drug. They mixed up the pills during manufacturing. Apparently if you give those to people that don’t need them, it fucks with their heads,” said TJ.

“You take them too,” you said as TJ nodded, your dad quiet. “Dad you and mom do-“

“I think we all better go to the hospital and get checked out. Right now.”

“How do you feel?” asked your mom a few hours later.

“My head feels normal again,” you sighed from your hospital bed. You opened your eyes, her hand running over your head. “Did I fuck it up. With dad. I think I broke it. That thing we had and it’s never going to fix back the same way.”

“You were on a very strong antipsychotic without you knowing. We are lucky all you had was some anger and a few delusions. It could have been much worse,” she said. “Daddy’s not mad, sweetie.”

“Mom I’ve never seen him like that. I was so…”

“Wasn’t just you,” he said as he rounded the corner into the room. He was out of his clothes and in a pair of pants and a plain t shirt now, holding up the bracelet on his wrist. “Why’d I have to get all the crying? I would have rather have been pissed off like you got.”

“Your test came back positive?” asked your mom.

“Yeah. So far that’s Y/N, me, TJ, Cody. The younger kids don’t seem to have it thankfully since they take the kid version. They want you to get tested though,” he said.

“But mom’s been normal,” you said as you sat up.

“Well…” he said as she rolled her eyes. “Mom’s been a little...aggressive in-”

“Don’t need to know,” you said. He chuckled and he took a seat on the opposite bed, your mom heading out. They hooked him up to an IV to clear out his system and he took a seat beside you on the bed. You looked down, getting a bump on the shoulder. His hand as on his lap, palm facing up and you smiled.

“Thatta girl,” he said as you rested yours in it. “Gonna take more than some antipsychotics to tear us apart.”

“You are the greatest foster father I’ve ever had and arguably the kindest human being I’ve ever known,” you said. He was quiet and you took a deep breath, looking across the room. “You protected me, even when you were being affected by this. I want you to forget everything I’ve said from Halloween night on. It wasn’t true. Not a second of it.”

“Was the daddy part true?” he asked. “The accident.”

“I expect you to protect me when TJ’s not around. I expect it when he is too to be honest. I spent a long time protecting myself. I was scared on that road. You couldn’t protect me. You couldn’t protect me from watching you almost die. I know how life works and that parents are not invulnerable. They get hurt. They get angry. They make mistakes. They’re human. But I’ll always be your child and on a rare occasion, I’ll need my fucking daddy to tell me it’s okay and I’ll believe him. I’m sorry for hurting him so badly.”

“You are still as ridiculous as the day you walked in your room and told me not to bother with you,” he said, tucking your hair behind your ear. “You can hurt me. You can destroy me. You can ruin me beyond repair. You’re the only thing that puts me back together though. Heals the wounds so I forget they existed. I’ve been broken before. More than you know. I am sure I will fall apart again too. But these small creatures I call my children fix all of that. The girl who ran away, who was afraid of me, she just told me I make her feel safe. I protect her. So I’m sorry but I won’t forgive you since there’s nothing to forgive. You weren’t yourself and neither was I yet you still pushed past it and realized this wasn’t normal for us. Maybe some people fight and some families would have let it go but we know we don’t stop trying in this family. Even when we’re all a little off. I’m proud of you.”

“For what?” you said quietly. He fixed your hair again, playing with it for a moment. He tickled the back of your ear and you giggled. “Dad.”

“Giggles never hurt either,” he said. He threw his arm over your shoulders and pulled you in close, kissing the top of your head. “You’re not that scared kid anymore, Y/N. You’re never gonna be her again. You’re strong. Even now, I know this will bother you for a little while but it won’t change anything. We’ll be even better if that’s possible.”

“You were begging me at the house,” you said.

“Could have gotten that new bronco you’ve been looking at. Sounds like you lost out,” he chuckled.

“Dork,” you said as you hugged him.

“I’m sorry for how I acted that night at the bar too. I’ll never do it again. I promise to not leave your side if you ever call me for help. Not for a second.”

“Dad you don’t have to apologize.”

“I’m bigger than you. I get to force this apology,” he said. “Am I forgiven?”

“Always,” you said. You saw a guy go past in the hall and you went wide eyed. “That’s the guy from the alley!”

“Hey,” said your dad with a smile as you got up. He walked out with his IV, you on his tail as the guy turned around with his doctor. The man looked at you and shook his head. “You’re the dickhead that tried to hurt my daughter aren’t you? I thought that was you.”

“Ew,” you said, looking at the infected cut on his head. Your dad moved forward and you caught his arm. “Um, maybe we can call the police?”

A security guard at the nurse’s station got up and the man sighed, your dad narrowing his eyes.

“I was only gonna kill him a little,” he said. The man stared and your dad cocked his head. “I’m hopped up on anti-psychotics buddy. I can be very creative.”

“Dad,” you said, dragging him back into the room. “Let the police handle it.”

“I did get a little too happy about fantasizing over that,” he said as he sat down. You rolled your eyes and took a seat, laying back on the bed.

“Am I too big for a cuddle?” you asked.

“Nope, especially not in the hospital,” he said. He sat back and you rested your head on his shoulder. “Where is that husband of yours anyways?”

“I think he’s on the phone with the lawyer trying to sue or something,” you said. “Let him wander the halls and get it out of his system.”

“Excuse me?” You both turned to look at the door. “Hi. I’m Morris Harrison with Richmond...Solider Boy?”

“Homelander?” you said as Morris shook his head. “Uh, hi?”

“Hi. I uh, I’m a lawyer at Richmond and Associates and we’re working the class action against the pharmaceutical manufacturer. I got a call about more cases,” he said, handing over a business card.

“We’ll be getting the family lawyer in contact with you rest assured,” said your dad. He nodded and looked away. “You okay?”

“Morris this is my dad, Jensen. Dad this is the nice boy from the bar you shouted at,” you said.

“To be fair, I was mentally impaired...and I mean come on, Homelander? Gotta be careful of those,” he smirked.

“I was actually gonna be…” he said, shaking his head. “Sorry.”

“You and Kayla were gonna be Sam and Dean! Oh yeah. Now I remember,” you said.

“I like the new friend,” chuckled your dad.

“I’ll see you guys around sometime. Maybe a little less drinking this time?” said Morris.

“Yeah. Text TJ. We’ll get together,” you said. “Oh. I gotta ask. How’d the Kayla situation work out?”

“We have our sixth date tonight,” he said. You grinned and he rolled his eyes. “You’re alright drunk girl.”

“Later Homelander,” you said with a wave as he left.

“He was nice,” said your dad. “Did I really shout at him?”

“Yeah. I think he’s a fan so thank you for being nicer this time,” you said.

“Well...at least you made a few new friends out of this experience?” he said. “Silver lining?”

“I will take a quiet, happy day for now,” you said.

“Me too, kiddo.”

Three Days Later

It was after ten when you slipped inside your parents house. It was a little dark, your siblings all at sleepovers. You poked your head around a corner, your dad in the kitchen mixing two cocktails together. He lifted his head up, cocking his head.

“Y/N?” he asked as you stepped out from around the corner. “What are you doing here?”

“I know you and mom got the house to yourselves so I’ll only be a minute,” you said.

“Uh, what?” he said as you walked over and gave him a hug. He returned it and ran his hand over your head. “Y/N. I know you didn’t mean what you said. You can stop apologizing. Please.”

“I know,” you said.

“Alright then,” he said. “I’ll take free hugs anytime.”

“Dad.”

“Yeah?” he asked as you squeezed him hard. He returned it and you smirked as you looked up. “What are you up to?”

“Can I show you something?” you asked. He nodded and you pulled him with you towards your old room, back to being one for guests. You walked him inside and sat him down on the bed as he watched you. You went over to the closet and turned on the light reaching up top into a shoe box. You took it down and walked it over, handing it to him.

“What’s this?” he asked.

“My dad’s kinda sappy and he writes me these letters,” you said. He rolled his eyes but smiled, putting his hands on top. “I started writing back. I put them in this box and figured one day you’d find them. But I know it wouldn’t hurt for you to maybe peek a look now after everything.”

He nodded and smiled, freezing when he took off the lid.

“Y/N...how many letters is this?”

“A boxful?” you said. “I maybe write them with more...frequency than he does. They are dated and hopefully in order.”

He picked out the first one and shut his eyes. You bit your bottom lip and he took a deep breath.

“This is from four days after your seventeenth birthday.”

“Every time I went to therapy I wrote one. Some are for mom but your names are on the envelopes.”

“Why does this one say dad?” he asked, holding up the first one. “I wasn’t dad for years.”

“Oh we both know you were my father the first day I stepped foot in here,” you said. “I could pretend to a piece of paper. It was safe. It wouldn’t hurt me. I started calling you dad in my head a very long time ago. I just didn’t say it in case you didn’t want me to be your daughter in the end.”

He put the envelope back in the box and carefully put the lid on, tucking it by his side. He wiped off his face with the back of his hands and looked up at you.

“Next month you turn twenty eight. You’ll have been with us for a hair over eleven years. This last year...the accident...TJ and his dad...now this...you’re the adult more lately than I am.”

“Dad I’m almost twenty eight like you said. But my head still feels...younger. You’re fifty one. But you still probably think of yourself as a twenty year old kid.”

“You are learning the secrets of adulthood after all,” he said, wiping off his face again. “Y/N...I have this fear when it comes to you. It’s only you. I understand why. But it’s a fear I’ve lived with for quite a long time. It’s a fear I thought came true earlier in the week.”

“She was a bitch that didn’t know better.”

“Don’t call yourself a bitch,” he said, sounding young, shaking his head. “You’ve always been tougher than me. I put on a good act but I’m...I’m privileged and I’ve had an easy life and even that seems hard sometimes. I couldn’t be you. I’m not strong enough. I’m not strong enough to erase the fear that I had, that lingered.”

“What are you afraid of?” you asked as you sat down on the bed.

“I have always loved you. But there was a time you didn’t love me and it took a while before it was unconditional. I’ve always had this fear that I would fuck up and hurt you, make you not love me anymore and that’s selfish of me. I know it is. But I can’t lose you. It just...I was broken last week. Like somebody ripped part of my soul out and it was gone forever. I’ve dealt with grief and death and heartbreak and nothing has ever hurt like that. The drugs did all that I know but...I would have done anything to get you back. Anything. And this girl, this amazing young woman, she writes me letters. She’s been writing me letters for eleven years. I never had to be afraid of you either, did I.”

“No,” you said. “But it’s okay. Boys are allowed to get scared too.”

“Your parents did a pretty good job with you,” he said.

“Yes. I think the four of them did too,” you said.

“I didn’t raise you.”

“Yes you did,” you said. You shoved a hand in your pocket and pulled out an envelope, handing it to him.

“Another for the box?” he asked.

“I already snuck today’s in there,” you said. “This is different.”

“What is it?”

“Just open it.” He untucked the flap and laughed, pulling out the sheet of paper. “TJ thought it was cute.”

“An IOU to tag along whenever I’d like when you go out drinking,” he chuckled. “I’m gonna need several hundred more of these while you’re at it.”

“How about like three?” you said.

“I will settle for you calling me if you think you’re in trouble,” he said. You nodded and he rested his head on your shoulder. “Even drugged up you still did that.”

“Well, the drugs didn’t kick in really until that night. Having allergies sucks,” you said. “You get the runny nose and itchy eyes and the crazy stuff. So not fun.”

“Nope,” he said, giving you a hug. “I was totally gonna have sex with mom all night but now I got all these letters to read.”

“Oh God, gross,” you said, shuddering as you stood up. He laughed and lay back on the bed, giggling as you shook yourself off. “I don’t need to hear about your nasty sex life.”

“I have an incredible sex life. Like so much-”

“Goodbye father,” you said as you walked out of the room.

“You don’t even want to know how often if I’m being honest,” he said as you walked quickly to the front door. He cracked up and you groaned. “Night, kiddo.”

“Night, dad. Enjoy your letters.”

You woke up around three in the morning, rolling over in bed and catching a few texts on your phone. You lifted your head and saw they were from your dad, a smile growing across your face.

I read the last letter first. All I gotta say is you never have to worry about me going away, no matter how much you scream and shout. You’re stuck with me forever, kiddo. Not even strong medication can tear that apart. Nothing can.

Also, for the record, I get to be the sap in this relationship, not you. Box full of cards. Do you know how hard it is to one up that? Do you? Keeping me on my toes kid. I’m sure I’ll come up with something though.

Love you tall munchkin.

“Something wrong?” mumbled TJ. You put your phone down and shook your head.

“Not at all,” you said. You tucked in close to his side, TJ rolling to his own and tucking your head under his chin. He hummed and rubbed your arm, kissing the top of your head. “Love you.”

“Love you too, honey.”

________

A/N: Read the Dads timestamp here!

#spn #supernatural #jensen x daughter!reader #rpf #au #spn reader insert #supernatural reader insert #reader insert #spn fanfiction #jensen x

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hamburgerhelpersotherhand · 4 years ago

Note

the cheating scenario w/ hannibal was so good omg! would you do a part two? maybe reader has found comfort with Will and they start to pursue each other, would also love to see some jealous Hannibal 😏 I love your work!

Part 2 as requested ✨ I didn’t write much Hannibal in this, actually rhhdjshf I’m sure he’s great at hiding his true feelings.

*spoilers*

Will is sweet and all but I really like the idea of Hannibal setting him up as some ticking time bomb for Y/N to witness.

Warnings: Implied future mindbreak and dead pets.

Your presence in Will Graham’s home felt different. It was unlike what he had become accustomed to but things seemed to get better with time.

It was meant to only last a short while, giving you enough time to get yourself back on your feet with a clear mind and savings for your own place... but something bloomed between the two of you. Unintentionally, you might add.

So you stayed.

A human being often takes part in stupid things when life feels out of their control. But the decision to be with Will, physically and emotionally, never felt wrong. He was sweet, even kinder than Hannibal had led you to believe.

You had known Will for a while, but never well until this point. Up until now, Hannibal had never seen you around Will when you two had been together.

So when he had caught the slightest hint of your perfume on Will’s collar, you can only imagine his reaction.

“New cologne?” He asks Will, smoothing out his jacket.

“Mhm.” He replies, not giving it much thought as he sits down.

Hannibal notices his lack of care on the matter and drops it from the conversation.

“Alright, let’s begin.”

Hannibal likes Will, genuinely. But he doesn’t want you near him. Especially when he eventually breaks— and trust him... Will Graham is a twig under his boot.

But, as he’s listening to Will express the changes in his life— the new dog, the new diet and you- Hannibal quickly comes to a grim realization:

You’re going to have to be collateral damage.

“-he’s pushing me too hard. I’m inclined to believe her.” Will finishes.

Hannibal brings himself back into the conversation, having dozed off in his thoughts for the first time in a long while.

“Who’s pushing you too hard? Could you repeat yourself?” Hannibal asks.

Will shifts in his seat before speaking again.

“Y/N tells me Jack is pushing me too hard. And I’m inclined to believe her.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Because I stay up until ungodly hours for work.” Will laughs, looking at his feet. He’s silent for a moment as he rubs the inside of his palm. “The truth is... I still have nightmares. Things have been looking good lately, but I can’t sleep at night.”

Hannibal watches him intently, feeling content with the revelation. He knows how to proceed.

“Have you spoken to Y/N about it? I’m sure she’d appreciate the transparency.”

“No.” Will shifts again. “Dr Lecter- I’m sorry, I— I honestly don’t feel comfortable speaking of her with you—” He rolls his wrist. “-given your shared past.”

“It’s no problem.” Hannibal stops himself from gripping the armrest and, instead, reaches for his notes. “Let’s move on.”

Will nods.

“I can prescribe something that will help, but you have to take it daily. Every night before bed.” Hannibal begins writing on his notepad. “It should help you sleep.”

And it did.

Will Graham had managed to sleep, but wild dreams still flooded his mind.

They felt vivid— real. But they were far from his previous nightmares. They were more along the lines of something a child would dream of- unhinged and randomized as they were.

He had taken the meds for about a week, and would always wake up in a different room than he had fallen asleep in. Hannibal had assured him it was because of his level of stress, and it would balance itself out with time and rest.

The sleepwalking was nothing to be scared of.

But on the seventh night, as he dreamt soothingly, his mouth became flooded with warmth, an unfamiliar beating played on his tongue and against his gums. When he had opened his eyes, falling away from the trance-like dream, Will Graham nearly choked.

There, in his gripping hands, he tightly held the twitching body of one of his smaller dogs. Bloodied and struggling, he could barely recognize it like this.

Will spat at the ground, his fingers dropping the animal as he tried to assess the situation. But his mind wouldn’t respond, only focusing on the here and now. He darted his eyes around as his breathing quickened at an alarming rate. He looked about his other dogs, all of which sat awake and cowering in the corners of the room.

As he later observed himself in the bathroom’s mirror, he became aware of the shaking in his hands and the bloodied mess covering his face. He felt sick.

His hands nearly stopped him from turning on the sink, but he needed to wash up as soon as possible.

As quietly as he could, he retrieved his phone from the bedroom and called Hannibal from the tight comfort of his car, explaining to him what had happened and wasting no time on blaming it on the medication.

“What if I killed her? I-I don’t know what to do— Hannibal, what if I killed her?” Will frantically begins to talk, spitting at the dirt from his open door between stops as if blood still flooded his mouth. “I don’t know what to do with the body.”

“Y/N’s body?” Hannibal asks.

“No—no, god no. I mean... the dog. The dog in my living room.” Will shuts his eyes and exhales. “Y/N is sleeping.”

“Will, it’s a dog.” Hannibal persuades, smiling as he does. “As sad as losing a pet may be, you haven’t committed a crime.”

The next morning, you awoke to a certain smell. It stung your nose until your eyes shot open at the realization.

You jumped out of bed and rushed to the kitchen. Will stood by the sink, filling up the water filter, but didn’t seem to notice the smoke coming from the iron pan on the stove.

“Will!” You shouted, grabbing a rag to move the pan away from the heat. He turns around and sets down the filter. Will grabs your arm before you could throw anything into the sink.

“It’s just a little charred.” He says quietly.

“Don’t you smell the smoke?” You look to him with concern. His responses have been slowed, almost slurred.

“I think I’m congested.”

You look down and observe the food. It’s burnt scrambled eggs with equally charcoaled diced ham.

“You can’t expect me to let you eat this—” You say, shrugging his hand away. His arm falls to his side as he watches you dump the iron pan, along with the blackened food, into the sink. “-especially if you aren’t feeling well.”

With a heavy exhale, you lean against the counter and look at him. Your observation lasts a while, and he seems to watch you as well. His eyes look weighted and tired.

“You’re exhausted.” You say, bringing your hand forward to brush the hair out of his face. “Did you sleep at all last night?” You ask.

He twitches.

“... No,” Will takes your hand into his own, rubbing gentle circles above your knuckles as he looks dazedly at your fingers. “I’ve been busy.”

#hannibal #hannibal x reader #will graham #will graham x reader #x reader #yandere #hannibal lecter #hannibal lecter x reader #yandere x reader #ask #request

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angstysebfan · 4 years ago

Text

What’s Done is Done - Part 4

Pairing: Bucky x reader

Requested by: @joannie95

You eventually were able to get out of Med Bay and back up to your apartment. You were off missions for awhile, and even had to limit training, so you were not at the compound at all for awhile. Honestly you were happy with the break, both from Bucky and saving the world.

You knew that you were going to have to talk to Bucky eventually, but you didn’t know what to say. Bucky and you had a an overall great relationship. When you first joined the team, Bucky was the one that made you feel most at home. You two became best friends, and you were there during his worst times and his best. Every nightmare, every panic attack, every time he thought he wasn’t enough for you or anyone.

That’s why him breaking your heart was the worst thing to ever happen to you. Usually when he got depressed or pushed you away, you would give him time and he would realize how much he really needed you, and you two would be fine. But not this last time. No. He took it to a whole new level and did what he had to do in order to not only break your heart, but shatter it to the point that you are still unsure if you can fix it.

You start thinking about that conversation you had with him in med bay. You saw the regret in his eyes as he spoke, but is it enough? Why did you still love him after everything he did to you? I mean at the end of the day, you still dream sweet happy dreams about him. You can feel his soft lips on your skin, hear his loving whispers in your ear, feel his arms wrapped around you. You wake up every morning feeling the ache in your heart.

One day you were out having lunch with Nat and Wanda and of course they had to bring Bucky up. “Ya know ever since you moved out of the compound, he hasn’t see anyone,” Nat said with her one eyebrow raised. You rolled your eyes refusing to look at her, “I’m not talking about this with you,” you say as you push your food around with your fork.

“And you don’t have to,” Wanda adds looking at Nat. “Yea because you will read my mind right?” you say looking at Wanda. “You know I won’t if you don’t want me to. Though I did see some of Bucky’s thoughts,” she says sadly. You look at her shocked, “Wanda, you know how sensitive he is when it comes to his mind,” you say.

“I know. It wasn’t planned. He was thinking really loud! He... he is miserable, Y/N. And I know he deserves it after what he put you through, but I hate seeing him like this,” Wanda says sadly. You look at Nat, “Listen, Y/N... You don’t have to get back together with this, or even forgive him, but maybe just talk to him? His... his nightmares are back in full force. I honestly think they are worse now then before,” she says.

“I... I don’t know what to do. I mean I hate him for what he did to me, but I still am madly in love with him. I can’t talk to him and let him just pull be back under,” you say. Wanda grabs your hand, “It’s ok to have these feelings. You take your time. We’re sorry if it seemed like we are pressuring you,” she says. You nod and continue playing with the food on your plate, wondering what you should do.

A week later you walk into the compound and head for the gym, knowing that’s where he will be. Sure enough through the windows you see Bucky punching the hell out of the punching bag. As you enter the room you see a row of unused punching bags and pile of broken ones. You know this means he again hasn’t slept. When he breaks the current bag you decide to make yourself known.

“Ya know Tony is going to kill you for breaking all these bags,” you say. You see him tense for a moment before turning and looking at you. You see the shock and then relief in his face. “I... uh.. I bought these,” he said quietly. You nod and give him a small smile.

“What are you doing here?” he asked as he started to unwrap his hands. You shrug, “Thought we should probably talk. But since you spoke when I was in Med Bay, I think it’s my turn to speak,” you say. Bucky nodded in response and sits on the bench. You walk over and try to calm your racing heart.

“Okay, well first, I wanted to see if you were ok. Wanda and Nat said your nightmares are really bad,” you ask concerned. Bucky chuckles, “Nothing I don’t deserve Doll,” he responds. You roll your eyes, “Bucky, you are not a bad guy, you are just really stupid,” you say annoyed.

He looks taken aback from your statement, but you keep going, suddenly feeling confident. “Ya know, I get what you were feeling or how you were feeling when you broke up with me. It’s not the first time you have done this, but then... then you just got cruel. You kicked me out of our apartment, and then started sleeping with who knows how many girls in OUR bed! You made sure that I would see them! I mean do I really mean that little to you!?” you yell.

Bucky starts to develop tears in his eyes and he thinks of how hurt you are by his stupid actions. He opens his mouth to answer, but you interrupt. “I know you feel that you don’t deserve me, and that you think I should be with someone better, who isn’t tainted, but how dare you make a decision for me! It is my decision on who I date. If you didn’t want to be with me because you ran out of love, then you should have told me the truth!” you screamed in his face.

“I do love you!” he yelled back as tears fall down his cheeks. “Well you have a shit way of showing it Barnes!” you growl back at him. “I just wish you would have come and talked to me. You always push me away and I can’t deal with it anymore! This last time was the final straw, especially with your whores around. I... I can’t be with someone who...” you stop and take a breath. “Who pushes me away and tries to make me stop loving them. I love you Bucky Barnes! I love you more than anything! I feel like I haven’t been able to breath right since you left me, but you need some serious help before you are in another relationship. Whether with or without me,” you say.

Bucky is sobbing quietly in front of you. You walk up and pull him into a hug, letting him cry into your neck. “I’m so fucking sorry, Y/N. I do love you. I’m sorry,” Bucky says through his tears. You kiss the side of his head and push him back. You grab his face, “Get some help. Please. You can’t keep going on like this,” you say before giving him a peck on his lips.

You get up and leave Bucky crying in the gym. Your heart felt heavy, but the weight of the bullshit was finally off your shoulders.

Oh did you think this was done? No No... Part 5 is the new finale!

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Story Taglist: @calwitch, @jaysayey, @shamelessfangirl-3, @tcc-gizmachine @littlestarfighter03 @thefandomplace

#Bucky Barnes #james buchanan barnes #james bucky barnes #Bucky angst #bucky fanfic #bucky x reader #bucky x y/n #bucky barnes x reader

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