#just me (and my dad) in our anti beach club

[iggykoopavevo]

fine ill say it. i never understood why people like the beach and i dont think i ever will

[thewnchstrs]

(There’s No Place Like) Home for the Holidays

Pairing: Daughter!Reader

Disclaimers: FLUFF, happy tears

Word Count: 1.3K

A/N: I’m so sorry about your dad. I hope you had a great Christmas!!

M A S T E R L I S T

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The sound of tiny feet padding against the hard floors made me peek an eye from behind the covers that were pulled up over my nose. My eyes focused in and out on the snow that tapped lightly against the windowpane. 

I smiled despite myself as my bedroom door creaked open. I feigned sleep as two small bodies jumped onto the bed and a third pulled the sheets from my face. JJ’s toothless smile looked down at me in excitement, “Santa came!”

“He did?” I whispered, rolling halfway over to where Arrow and Zeppelin were bouncing excitedly at my legs nearly buzzing with energy. 

“Santa!” Arrow giggled, pulling on my sleeve. 

I sat up, crossing my legs, moving Zeppelin’s unruly hair out of his eyes, “Did you hear him come in, Zep?”

“Yes!” He beamed. “I hear the bells from his sleigh!”

“The bells!?” I gawked before looking at the other two. “Do you think you were on the nice list this year?”

“We were! He came, Y/N!” JJ said again. “We’ll show you!”

“Alright, alright,” I laughed, pulling myself up. They ran from the room, leaving the door wide open. 

I wrapped my blanket over my shoulders against the cold that filtered through the room. As I descended the stairs, I could see the three of them assemble around the Christmas tree where gifts wrapped in red and green were piled high under it. I swore I’d never seen so many in my life.

The smell of sizzling bacon, crackling eggs and sweet syrup filled my nose as I rounded the corner into the kitchen. Jensen stood over the stove, flipping pancakes in a pan, his hair standing at odd angles. 

“Morning honey,” Danneel smiled as she came from behind me, setting a stack of plates next to Jensen. 

“There she is!” He beamed over his shoulder. “You want breakfast? We’ve got it all: eggs, bacon, waffles, pancakes...take your pick.”

“You guys eat like this every Christmas?” I laughed, stealing a piece of bacon. 

“Only the special ones,” Danneel smiled, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. “And this is our most special one.”

My eyes bounced between Jensen and Danneel, “I’m confused-”

“It’s our first one with you,” Jensen reminded, my heart melting. “Our first one altogether. As a family.” I held tightly onto Danneel’s arm, squeezing it softly as the kids ran into the kitchen, almost toppling over each other. 

“Can we open presents now, please please please,” they begged. JJ’s hands were held tightly together, Arrow and Zeppelin nodding along with their older sister. 

“You know the drill,” Jensen said. “Breakfast first, you can’t open all that on an empty stomach.”

He was met with a chorus of groans, but Jensen grabbed all three, throwing one over his shoulder and tucking the other two under each arm. Their laughter filled the kitchen as he plopped them at the table. 

I assisted Danneel in carrying the piles of food to the table. I reveled in sitting around together, smiling around bites of food, listening to their voices clashing together. In all the chaos some people might see it as, I knew it was going to quickly become one of my favorite traditions. 

The feeling of finally living in a permanent home after moving from one to the other was something I’d never take for granted. In the ten months I’d been living with them, I’d felt more at home than I ever had before. Had a family like I never experienced in this way. In many ways, my time with them brought so many firsts, my first real Christmas being one of them.

I listened intently to each conversation, each word that poured over the dining table. I wished I could wrap this moment up, keep it with me forever. It’s rare we’re all under the same roof with everyone’s hectic schedules but when we are, it’s my favorite quality time.

Breakfast flew by in a blur and by the time the kids had finished their food, they flew towards the Christmas tree. I sat on the end of the couch, watching as they tore into each one, admired it and then moved onto the next. I watched as Jensen tried to carefully delegate each one but eventually gave up halfway through, trying to keep up with the wrapping paper flying over their little shoulders.

“Slow down!” Jensen begged as he picked up another piece of fallen wrapping paper before shoving it into a large trash bag. Danneel and I laughed behind our mugs of hot chocolate when he finally gave up, plopping down on the couch.

“This one’s for you, Y/N!” JJ smiled, bringing me a box.

I furrowed my eyebrows, glancing to Jensen and Danneel who smiled, nodding me on. I took it from JJ, “You guys didn’t have to get me anything.”

“It’s Christmas, we had to get you a few things,” Danneel said. I opened it, beaming at the sweater that was inside.

“Thank you, I love it,” I said, hugging each of them before throwing it on over my pajama shirt. I ran my hands over the material, loving the warmth it gave me.

“This one’s yours too,” Jensen said, grabbing one of the gifts from under the tree. It was covered in tape, the wrapping paper bulky at the edges. “Wrapped it myself.”

I laughed, “Seriously…you didn’t have to-”

“Just open it!” Danneel laughed, pushing it back into my hands.

I laughed, ripping the paper open. It was a small box with a delicate necklace inside. I smiled, lightly touching it with the pads of my fingers, “It’s beautiful.”

I felt overwhelmed with each present I was handed next, feeling like they’d truly never stop coming. However, once the morning slowly died down and everything under the tree had been unwrapped, I sighed contently against the couch. JJ, Arrow and Zep cuddled close to my sides, their excitement finally lulling them into a mid-afternoon nap.

As my eyes began to slowly drift closed, I felt the end of the couch dip slightly. I peaked an eye open to where Danneel sat, Jensen coming to sit on the other side of Zeppelin.

“We have one more thing for you,” Danneel half-whispered.

I glanced down at where she was holding a large bag in her hands. I laughed lightly, “I really don’t need anything else.”

Jensen nudged me, “This is something we really want you to have.”

I looked from him to Danneel before slowly sitting further up on the couch, Arrow and JJ stirring softly and Jensen taking Zep into his lap. I pulled the tissue paper from the bag before pulling out a book. I looked at it, slightly confused before my eyes misted over, reading the title: My First Year was printed over the top cover of what I could now tell was a scrapbook.

I flipped it open, smiling at each of the pictures that were pasted onto the pages, laughing at the short captions beside each one. Everything, each moment from my first year with them was documented in the book. Everything from birthdays, holidays, and even my first day of school. They had documented the little moments too: redecorating the first bedroom I ever had to myself, going apple picking, the trip to the beach we took over the summer.

By the end of the scrapbook, tears were rolling down my face as I read the short letters Jensen and Danneel had slid behind the clear covers. I wiped away my tears, admiring the pictures that JJ and the twins had drawn for me. It was truly the best present I’d ever gotten.

“Thank you,” I smiled, looking up at them, wiping at my face again. “This is…just…thank you.”

Danneel pulled me in for a hug, rubbing gently over my back before Jensen pulled me in for one, too. He watched me as I pulled away, “I know this year hasn’t been easy. You’ve had to go through so many things at once and your life changed so quick. But, Y/N…this has been the best year of our lives.” Danneel nodded along with his words. “Our family’s finally complete.”

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FOREVER TAG LIST

@spnbaby-67 | @majicbamana | @luciferslucille | @anti-social-club | @search-bar​ | @mellorine-paprika | @thepocketshoelace | @jaremish | @the-salty-asian​ | @the-hufflepuff-hunter​ | @robynannemackenzie-blog​ | @mersuperwholocked-lowlife​ | @find-sammys-shoe​ |  @caswinchester2000​ | @damnedimpala​ | @lauren-novak​ | @adeanmon​ | @spnficgirl​ | @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce​ | @defenderrosetyler​ | @resanoona​ | @avngrsinitiative​

[cover2covermom]

Goodbye May & hello June!

May was leaps and bounds better than April.  Much like the rest of the United States, we spent April in quarantine here in Ohio.  In May, we started slowly reopening & got back some normalcy in our lives.

Let’s see what I read & blogged in May…

After being off work for 8 weeks, I returned to work this month.  While my library is still not yet open to patrons, our staff has been offering curbside service.  Since our building is currently only open to staff, I took advantage and cleaned out our storage room.  This was LONG overdue and desperately needed.  To give you some context, I was pulling things out that hadn’t been touched in 15 years…  We also just got the green light to start working on virtual summer programming!  I am looking forward to getting creative for virtual programming.

» The Last (Endling #1) by Katherine Applegate

I’ve read a few of Applegate’s other books, but The Last definitely felt more mature.  I’d consider this to be a crossover MG/YA fantasy.

» The Unhoneymooners by Christina Lauren

I was delighted at how entertaining this adult romance was.  The Unhoneymooners is a perfect beach/vacation read.

» Becoming by Michelle Obama

Despite the fact that this memoir is LONG, I was interested from start to finish.  I adore Michelle Obama and find her so inspiring.

» Everblaze (Keeper of the Lost Cities #3) by Shannon Messenger

The 3rd installment in a fantastic MG fantasy series.  I like how the content is maturing as the characters age.  This book was definitely darker than the previous two installments.

» Wishtree by Katherine Applegate

*Reread*

Wishtree was selected for our community wide read along.  I loved rereading this book with my children.  This is a perfect book for a community read along.

» The Fifth Avenue Story Society by Rachel Hauck

This book was just okay.  I didn’t realize this was “Christian fiction” when this was picked for one of my book clubs.  The religious tones came out of nowhere at the end & were very heavy handed.

» Crush (Berrybrook Middle School #3) by Svetlana Chmakova

I’ve adored each graphic novel in this series.  Chmakova captures the essence of middle school perfectly.  She also does a wonderful job giving us a diverse cast of characters, and tackling relevant topics.

» Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl #1) by Eion Colfer

This is an excellent MG/YA crossover fantasy book.  I’m a fan of anti-hero main characters, so I enjoyed reading about a 12-year-old “evil” genius.  I found this book to be very witty and amusing.  I’d recommend this book to fans of Terry Pratchett.

» The Stonekeeper’s Curse (Amulet #2) by Kazu Kibuishi

*4.5 Stars*

I enjoyed this second installment even more than the first!  The art style is absolutely stunning and I really enjoyed the story line.  I can really see this as a TV series or movie.

» El Deafo by Cece Bell

*3.5 Stars*

This graphic novel about a young girl with a hearing impairment is based off the author’s own life experiences.  While I loved reading from the prospective of a character with a hearing impairment, I had a few issues with the plot.  I was also not a big fan of the art style.

» Clap When You Land by Elizabeth Acevedo

Another 5-star read from Elizabeth Acevedo! Clap When You Land is a heart-wrenching book in verse about loss, betrayal, and forgiveness.

» Harbor Me by Jacqueline Woodson

Harbor Me was a beautiful MG contemporary novel about 6 kids, all with different backgrounds, that come together every Friday afternoon to share their experiences.  This felt like a diverse middle grade version of The Breakfast Club

» Sideways Stories from Wayside School (Wayside School #1) by Louis Sachar

I fondly remember this series from my elementary school days, so I bought it to read with my 6-year-old.  While I love the story, some of the content & language have not held up.  This isn’t exactly surprising since it was first published in 1978.  My daughter did love it though.

» The Cloud Searchers (Amulet #3) by Kazu Kibuishi

I’m loving this graphic novel series!

Goodreads Challenge Update: 60 books!

April 2020 Reading & Blogging Wrap-Up + Book Haul

Mini Book Reviews: May 2020 – Part 1

Mini Book Reviews: May 2020 – Part 2

Mini Book Reviews: May 2020 – Part 3

Mini Book Reviews: May 2020 – Part 4

ARC eBooks:

» The Time of Green Magic by Hilary McKay

From acclaimed author and Costa winner Hilary McKay comes The Time of Green Magic: a beautiful, spell-binding novel about a new families, a magical old house and a mysterious cat . . .

When Tom and Polly marry, blending their single parent families together, their children find it hard to relinquish their old lives. Max realizes his birth dad will never come home now, while Abi suddenly finds herself a middle child, expected to share far too much – especially with grubby little Louis. The family start over together, stretching their finances to the limit and renting an eerie, ivy-covered house, big enough for all of them.

But when the children are alone there, strange things start to happen. Worried, Louis summons comfort from outdoors, and a startling guest arrives – is it a cat, or an owl, or something else? Abi reads alone, tumbling deep into books. Max loses his best friend and falls in love.

Meanwhile, Louis’ secret visitor is becoming much too real. And when Max and Abi too start to see the great spotted cat-thing that arrives in the night, it becomes a problem the three of them must find a way to solve – together. But where has the creature come from, and how will he get back?

» The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V.E. Schwab

A Life No One Will Remember. A Story You Will Never Forget.

France, 1714: in a moment of desperation, a young woman makes a Faustian bargain to live forever and is cursed to be forgotten by everyone she meets.

Thus begins the extraordinary life of Addie LaRue, and a dazzling adventure that will play out across centuries and continents, across history and art, as a young woman learns how far she will go to leave her mark on the world.

But everything changes when, after nearly 300 years, Addie stumbles across a young man in a hidden bookstore and he remembers her name.

Much to my surprise, I was approved for an ARC of The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue via NetGalley!   This is my #1 most anticipated book of 2020!

Which books did you read this month?

Have you read any of the books I read or hauled this month?  If so, what did you think?

Did you buy any books?  If so, which ones?

Comment below & let me know 🙂

May 2020 Reading & Blogging Wrap-Up + Book Haul #BookBlogger #Bookworm #BookNerd #Bibliophile #Bookish #Books #Reading Goodbye May & hello June! May was leaps and bounds better than April.  Much like the rest of the United States, we spent April in quarantine here in Ohio. 

[thepropertylovers]

Feature Friday with Wouter Hinrichd

Happy Friday! In this week’s Feature Friday, Wouter (pronounced WOW-ter) talks about his internal struggle with coming out, even though his older brother had already come out as gay and was accepted by their friends and family. Read on below to find out more about Wouter and his journey with self-acceptance.

Where are you from? I was born and raised in Groenveld (Noord-Holland), The Netherlands

Where do you live? I currently live in Deventer (Overijssel), The Netherlands

Instagram handle: @koenraadkulture

 Age: I’m 21 years old

On an unforgettable trip: My favorite place I’ve ever traveled to is Curaçao! I study archaeology in Deventer, and a part of my education is that we have to do internships, which may take place in The Netherlands or abroad. Together with a really good friend of mine, Esther, we chose something very different than Holland and traveled to Curacao for an internship.

It was my first time really out of Europe (I had been to Turkey several times, but that is relatively speaking still close to home) and it was also the first time that I flew across the Atlantic! It was also my longest trip I’ve ever traveled, as I lived for three months there. Together with Esther, I had the time of my life! From swimming with sea turtles to climbing the St. Christoffel mountain and from dance party’s on the beach to help excavate a Caquetio-settlement site in the Midlands: It was something I had never experienced before. I’ve met a lot of great friends during this trip that I still speak with today. I think about this magical time on a daily basis, as it has made a real impact on me as a person and my perception of the world & what it has to offer. I learned a lot about myself on this trip, being away from home for so long. Sometimes bad things, but most of the time good things, like growing my self-confidence, which made this trip so special to me.

On always being curious: I have a lot of things I want to do in life, but for now, I think I would like to do a lot of traveling!  There are so many places in the world I wish to visit, such as Japan, South-Africa, The US, and Australia.  I’m really curious about what the world has to offer! I want to live in another country for a certain period! Or build out my carreer as a heritage young professional. It’s hard to choose one!

“My biggest obstacle in the process was that I dislike “Coming out”. I always thought: “Why does society expect me to do that? Straight people don’t have to come out as straight!’”

On coming out: Well… I remember it as a struggling time. Not because of fearing the reaction from the people close to me, because I knew my friends and family wouldn’t mind, as they were always spoken out about supporting LGBTQ+. I knew this because my older brother had already come out as gay and the support he got was amazing.

It was an internal battle for me with society and things I didn’t understand. For most of my life, I’ve felt like a freak. I’m a bit of a weirdo and a nerd, which I nowadays really appreciate about myself. I didn’t really fit in, as far as I felt.

In high school, I knew that something was different, but I really couldn’t point out what it was. This is also the time that some people started picking on me for showing “The gay-stereotypes”. This frustrated me so much. I have never seen “being gay” as something that was bad, and it angered me that people could be so mean about people that had a different preference when it comes to love. As I got older, I knew that I wasn’t straight. Thank you, Josh Hutcherson, for portraying Peeta Melark in The Hunger Games, that was a real eyeopener!

My biggest obstacle in the process was that I dislike “Coming out”. I always thought: “Why does society expect me to do that? Straight people don’t have to come out as straight!”. I also didn’t wanted  to validate the people who always called me gay, because I thought they didn’t deserve the feeling that they were right. I completely wanted to be in charge of this journey myself and in that mindset, I only told the people that are close to me. Others could find out later, “Not my problem”, I thought.

On being being able to express yourself: In that period of my life, I finally stood up for myself and just did what I wanted to do and not what people expected me to do. After I got comfortable with myself, I started to truly live my life. It maybe sounds dramatic, but this is how it feels to me. There was always something missing. Now I feel so much better and feel lucky that I can also talk about this time with my brother, who went through the same process, and with my parents and friends. I feel confident most of the time and it is just a wonderful feeling to have the abillity to fully express myself.

On having a support system: My family and friends are super supportive of me and they don’t mind at all. They don’t treat me differently!  The worst I’ve had so far is person yelling at me and calling me names, but it was never someone I knew personally.

On interior design: I think I would describe my interior style as young, nerdy & modern, but also with a touch of tradition. I like bright colors and patterns, but I also like the simplicity of a white room where the furniture and objects speak for itself. As a student, I don’t have a big spending budget, so I own a lot of second-hand pieces. Because I have always been fascinated by history, I like to show pieces that have a story behind them or that have a personal connection to me.

On growing up gay in the Netherlands: I am very lucky to have grown up in The Netherlands. Most of society and politics are accepting of the LGBTQ+ community and feel comfortable with my sexuality in public life. Just as in any other country, The Netherlands also has it’s bullies, anti-LGBTQ+ parties and people who are strongly opposed to people that don’t fit in the heteronormative culture, but these form a small minority. in the beginning of coming to terms with my orientation, these people could really irritate me. Now I try not to spend too much of my time on them. In the wise words of Kimberly “Sweet Brown” Wilkins: ‘Aint nobody got time for that!’.

On religion: I’m irreligious. My parents wanted me and my brothers to choose our own faith (if we wanted to) based on our own beliefs. I chose not to, as I can’t find myself in a religion.

On life in the Netherlands. Life in The Netherlands is good! I am finishing up my bachelor's degree in archaeology at Saxion University with a research about the history of the Roman Empire in the Netherlands. I have a great room in my student lodging house, where I live with one other roommate. Deventer is a very old city with a lot of great shops, restaurants, and bars. A lot of friends of mine are also studying archaeology and live in Deventer too! We often have a movie night at someone’s house or we go out for dinner and drinks.  Every once in a while I’ll meet up with my friends to go out and dance in Amsterdam, Groningen or Utrecht, because Deventer doesn’t have that many clubs or bars with a dancefloor!

In the weekends, I travel back home to Groenveld to stay at my parents' house with my parents, brothers and our dog Risto! Groenveld, on the contrary to Deventer, is a very small village in the countryside, not far from the beach and the sea. I really like going there, because I can meet up with my high school friends and distance myself from the city life.

Noord-Holland has a lot of great spots to visit, like the beach, the duneforests or one of the old towns, so I like to go out on road trips with my best friend Marijn to hit these places up! We always have a blast and talk about gay-stuff, because we both don’t have a lot of gay friends that we can discuss these things with! When I’m alone I usually write, read, draw, play The Sims, Netflix or sing (I am not saying that I’m a good singer).

On his biggest inspirations: I have a lot of great inspirations in my life for different aspects of life! For example, I hugely look up to Lady Gaga as a musical artist and creator. But when it comes down to it, my biggest inspirations are my mum and dad. I know it sounds cliché, but it is true. My mama has always been very vocal about injustice in life as she faced it herself when she was younger, because she was  a woman that didn’t wanted to do things traditionally. My mama is in my eyes the definition of a strong independent woman. My papa is such a hard working man who will do anything to support his loved ones. The way that he keeps going on, even when the odds aren’t in his favor, really inspire me. The amount of love, respect, and support that I’ve gotten from my parents throughout my life is priceless and I couldn’t be more grateful to have them.

[former-ceo-of-homeschooling]

OH WOW DO I HAVE OPINIONS AND THINGS XD

Lavender Haze: Okay this is gonna sound weird but...Finn's Mom and Kurt's Dad Burt fit into this for me, both sides like idk how to explain this but yah

Maroon: I feel like this was Rachel after her and Jesse broke up...I don't feel like she would've liked Red but Maroon definitely fits.

Anti-Hero: Ok ok this would be one where everybody only sings like one or two lyrics depending on the current episode

Snow On The Beach: Hot take but I see Santana and Brittany in this. Everybody is looking at them and being like 'oh why are y'all together blah blah blah' and you know what, they look beautiful together leave them alone.

You're On Your Own, Kid: Emma never gets talked about in Glee posts anymore but this song belongs to her!! "He's gonna notice me, it's okay we're the best of friends" like c'mon. And her parent's dismissal of her problem just like...fits.

Midnight Rain: This one was so hard to place but like....I feel like this belongs to Tina and Mike...I feel like they wanted very different things at the end of their relationship and I'm kind of glad they didn't get married...

Question....?: I feel like this would be Mercedes if she slipped into her insecurities again while she got back with Sam. Sam was a stripper, Sam had all the girls in high school and she's (in her eyes, not in mine), just a girl.

Vigilante Shit: Look me in the eyes and tell me this doesn't belong to Sue Sylvester, especially after she told Emma that Will hooked up with April (which she should have but still!)

Bejeweled: Also hot take but the Holy Trinity would rock this song, in sequined dresses that we would look back on and be like why did we think it was a good idea lol

Labyrinth: I feel like this would be Rachel as she started to fall in love with Jesse after Finn died. Years passed, of course, but that's where I think it goes. "Oh oh, I'm falling in love again"

Karma: I could see this as a Glee Club group number after they defeat Sue for something, maybe a mash-up with Karma Chameleon? (Don't hate me for that idea plz) Also Brittany would of course do the "Karma is a cat" line!

Sweet Nothing: I feel like this is Kurt and Blaine. They always seemed so at home with each other, and it would be a duet! (Maybe with the Warblers?)

Mastermind: Sincerest apologies but I have to give this to Rachel and Finn. Rachel plotted everything from the beginning I can't not give this to them as well.

The Great War: Quinn and Puck!! I can't explain but this. Yes. All of it. They went through so much and Puck straightened himself out at the end of it and yk what maybe it's the uniform but yeah.

Bigger Than The Whole Sky: I'm sorry but you can't tell me this isn't Rachel mourning Finn every July 13th :(, rubbing her hands on her tattoo, tracing the letters without even looking at them anymore. "I'm never gonna know, what could've been, should've been, would've been you' stop I'm gonna make myself cry

Paris: Definitely McKinley High after Glee won Nationals, like Glee Club was proud but everyone else was like ew who are they, that's the vibe, group number for sure, maybe Quinn on lead vocals for once

High Infidelity: THE EPISODE WHERE EVERYONE BREAKS UP. I'M SORRY BUT THIS IS WHERE THIS BELONGS. Also I hope none of the couples have to sing this song ever again because if in an alternate timeline they cheated on their peoples I would lose my mind

Glitch: Okay so when Will was sleeping around before Emma and him got together?? I think this would be him singing it when he messes up something with Danny and is like, "Am I doing the right thing or is she gonna yell at me like Terri did?" kinda vibe

Would've, Could've, Should've: This was actually a pretty easy one to pick, subject matter not so much, but when Ryder opened up about the babysitter thing...this would've broken our hearts. (Maybe a mash-up with Dear John??)

Dear Reader: A Finn and Will or a Quinn and Rachel duet for sure!! I feel like they didn't collaborate often and I wish they had more, for either duo! They always sounded great together!

grr okay just straight up tell me which Glee character would sing what Midnights song, duets and group numbers more than welcome

[ligbi]

Animorphs Liveblog #1

I borrowed Animorphs from some friends and liveblogged my thoughts for them. I thought some tumblr folks may enjoy them as well. Animorph content warning for fucked up shit. For kids!

The Invasion 1996 Jake is a Lizard, and this weird CG render of him in a shoe is actually pretty damn good for the time. I forgot about the flipbook corners. 

Everything I tell you is a lie, but you have to believe me The Andalites promised they'd rescue us, and knowing what I know I do not believe that a smidge Marco and Jake already already friends, Tobias is a new, awkward guy, Rachel is Jake's tall cool cousin, and Cassie is black and 'mythical' So begins the heteros Tell me more about Jake's brother Tom and how you two have become distant Cool one sentence into each girl and I love them both already. Fuck the patriarchy! But also being a girl in public is scary Ha. Ax murderers.at the construction site. Ax. They're 13 right? Babies but also I call bullshit on towns with walking distance malls Marco was right Jake the idiot Shit wait which one dies how bad will I regret reading this? I get Tobias man. Looking at that sky. Also Cassie just "ufo" Marco is looking to make a buck off a ufo sighting. Okay Jake is a dweeb so says Marco Oh no baby bird you're clearly the best dude curse eager bird men We all just stood there like fools Hey the ship is burned and some of it has been melted! Also blue lights because all technology has glowing blue lights Jake's family has a minivan (oh god these are small children), and Marco wants to be on Letterman. Letterman Oh god right it's '96 you have to Go Somewhere to Call Someone. Wow 96 was I was 5 I just turned 27 Technology Rachel wants to Solve the spaceship and Cassie points out Star Trek is monolinguistic. As with all series, Girls. Blue deer-taur with no real mouth and extra eyes on stalks with scorpion tail. I've been meaning to re-read Wrinkle in Time, but I think when I first read that at like, 10, I pictured those blind creatures like this Please note, I recall fully reading one (1) of these books ever to completion. Rachel turned into a squid in that one Yes Ax does look like he can kill. I assume he does at some point Jake is almost crying upon seeing Ax, who already feels like a friend. Due to time travel and reincarnation, I am scared to find out why this is Yes I Am Dying. Oh aliens. This is not Ax, is it? Whoops Cassie's family are vets. And she's ready to jump into helping Hey whoever you are, just saying, it sounds like you're implying literally every other alien in the universe wants to kill us. Which is fair but Yeerks. Rat sized gray-green slug parasites ...How does this Andalite (right?) know none of them are controlled by a Yeerk right now? Marco is a bit of a pragmatist Oh jeez lingo uh let's see: Yeerks have Bug Fighters, a Blade Ship, Dracon Beams which destroy things to a molecular level, Andalites have a Dome Ship and Z-Space is a thing Expected Yeerk takeover time: A year or less Yikes Hey Jake fuck you get the box Ugh so straight Got the cube and hey look a hologram of their family WOW MEAN Ok so most (all?) Andlaties have a morph power to Alteans! blend in and hide also we acknowledge they are young Cassie and Tobias for best kids right now Two red streaks for Yeerks Bug fighters these are He looks at Tobias and feels weird like a chill. Normally I'd call Gay but predestination/time-travel/something is up ...How do they know how long two Earth hours are? Oh shit Visser Three. And he can Morph that's uh legit concerning? How'd he get that and what horrible things have he done? Has? Have or has? Also, what WILL he do? Third black ship, and what's his alien touched Tobias' head and did/conveyed Something Oh cool construction equipment just pfffff'd out because a giant battleaxe ship with scimitar wings Was this ship designed by the Hork-Bajir, who have blades on their wrists elbows knees and tails, and t-rex feet and falcon-beaked snake heads with three horns. Who are good people but all (?) controlled Taxxons are Big centipedes with lobster claw hands, jello eyes, and a top mouth that's a pointy circle Again, I demand quick satisfaction as to the positive vibes they get from Andalite1 Ah Visser Three is a controller of an Andaltie. Who was that Andalite? Prince Elfangor-Sirinial-Shamtul is a mouthful So if he takes over enough places, Visser will become One. Who's the current One? Oh cool we're being targeted because we're over-populated compared to other species Humans behind the Visser? Is it ya'll? Please be ya'll I love me time-travel angst Now V3 is a big Monster and we're blowing up ships and I know this is a construction site but where is anyone else? Aw Jake you wanted to help. That's dumb but aw Death count: 1 Are Taxxons the ever-hungry aliens I've heard about? Or do the Yeerks just think it's fun to eat a dead guy? Oh cool those were Human Controllers and Jake seems to know one. I assume it's big bro? Most people are crying and Macro pukes I HEAR THAT FRIENDS Split up? Jinkies Rachel knows bad words. WHAT ARE THE WORDS K.A.APPLEGATE. TELL ME THE FORBIDDEN LANGUAGE (I assume Son of a Bitch from context but shout out to Rachel if it's Fucker) They can kind of speak English? Ghafrash? Hobo man: maybe dead? Probably dead Jake's strongest real memory is of aliens smiling at him. Get it boy-you're a child get nothing please So you're not close with Tobias, but you know he has a cat named Dude. Also: Cat is named Dude I love it BTW Jake, noticing another dude is Glowing? ;) Oh dang so Tobias doesn't know his Dad, Mom just left him around ten, and we're on a coast, with his aunt living on the other because his uncle is on this one How long does it take to morph? This sounds like a concerning amount of time Multiple minutes. Alright. Nightmareish. Side note: semi-crouching warped human with long butt and stubbed feet stage of morphing in the corner here Watching someone morph into a cat is giggle inducing. I will cherish these times won't I Telepathy is a good, easy answer to lots of questions about weird powers and communication Two year old string in a messy room. Boy Ha naked. Also the cat instincts mean ...oh dear this is gonna cause problems Why does Tobias get to decide Jake is the leader also why Jake? Not why like bleh why him but plot-wise something is the pre-meditated choice Homer the dog. You watch The Simpsons boy? Taking the dna puts the animal in a trance and it doesn't hurt to morph Bones feel like they should hurt yeah that sounds right Scrapping sounds are wonderful Right you're not just A Dog you're The Dog you took from Awww you're not a bad dog Jake. And Tobias is a good kid. And damn it I did not want to right about the brother. Cassie has a farm and big brother Tom is in a club called the Sharing He's obviously a Controller, but also "It's just sports" I'm pro-anti-sports but anti-cult clubs UGH WE HAVE TO RECYCLE Jake pls Wildlife rehabilitation. Convenient to touch wild animals also a cow Plus zoo mom so let's all be giraffes Dang kids with their fireworks, taking over humanity and making cops somehow worse Marco is scared and picky and right poor kid Who also has reasons? Tell me more Mom body was never found, Dad can't be around people. Ouch Cassie is not only cool enough to have clothes, but can control the morph enough to play centaur "We want them real bad" jesus yeerk cop, tone it down will ya? Hey you look like your brother- come to our yeerk cult Help endangered species? You mean like *eyebrow waggle* Is Tobias/Rachel a thing? CD game we were going to play on my computer. Wow Hey not-Tom, why would these kids have read anything in a newspaper? Wow this is shamelessly manipulative and creepy and thanks Applegate for teaching kids to be reasonably creeper out by overly forceful and manipulative folks Jake honey Marco is right please stop living in denial Let's remind Tobias, who is already a hawk, about the time limit Feathers made of wax. This boy is going to fly too long in the sun And then he was naked because boys don't care about that too much I guess?  So as long as the DNA isn't bad for any reason, the state of the animal doesn't matter. What about dead animals? Let Tobias be superman. Poor kid Yeerk pools have Kandrona rays, and Yeerks have to go back into a pool every three days. Yeerk home sun particles Protect this child who can't fight for himself but will fight for the world Time to infiltrate I guess? Gotta sneak into this night volleyball game They live near a beach I suspect this is Cali, like all kid lit about young teens unless it's from the UK Can you grab a morph from a friend if they've changed into a whatever? Kids and Adults? Smidge weird Poor actual Tom trying to protect Jake They Would notice a horse wouldn't they? Tobias hun no please don't make excuses I know being human sucks but come on Oh course the Assistant Principal is a big bad Convert or kill. Yeesh Evil cops also Cassie being Black makes vague threats uhhh worse Let Jake be a dog! Ok but just pet all the animals? Lizard yes but deer? Wolf? Buzzards? Wildcat? I just climbed into my locker all cool like playing it chill because everyone climbs into lockers all the time This is a very small lizard The animal brains being way more in control is fucked up Cool so you just almost was stepped on, lost a body part, and have a still semi-alive spider inside your body after having seen an alien be eaten and knowing your brother is alive but controlled and may be sent to kill you. For kids! And of course the brain slug pool is under the school Do ya'll remember that Nick show about the bully who like, was about to die or was cursed, and he was a dog and only one kid could hear him and no one remembered him and he had to do a bunch of good stuff to be human again? Locking children into animal forms is a special kind of 90's torture I think Rachel/Tobias is a hard thing and good because someone needs to love this kid my word I appreciate Marco though. Hey shit head this is a dumb plan but you're my best friend so I'm in or what fucking ever. Asshole I liked Cassie's little speech about Mother Earth Marco named the band. Marco is a good shit, but what does it even mean that Jake's always been a Lizard? Are you calling him cold-blooded? Flaky? A bug eater? No family guest passes for the zoo? I don't know what Bush Gardens are but is this that? Roller Coasters and Monkeys Big Jim the gentle gorilla. Also bless Jake for riling Marco up Let's drive! hits wall Go right says Jake. Marco goes left You had a chance at a rhino Marco has a dark and tanned face Male siberian tiger. I assume if you turn into THAT animal, you can be a boy turning into a girl hyena or a girl becoming a boy turtle right? He's majestic and doesn't seem like he cares about you as long as you don't run Lol ya'll almost died from a tiger? Sure you did Jake's mom is a writer who is opposed to any TV but her own. Dad is a jokester. Is it Jake's mom who dies? I know a mom dies Dad is a doctor Cassie where are you did you get home from the zoo are you okay? Okay Rachel and Tobias are just a thing already ok. Oh cool the cop has Cassie I fear for her We are Controllers. We are here to... Kandrona, Please give us the girl for... evil? Great plan If you're so advanced, why don't you have elevators- me at Akio So large underground city, small pool, cages 10 people per, aliens, construction equipment Can Tobias communicate with Cassie from where they are? Yeahhhh people volunteering to be controlled by evil alien slugs sounds sadly right. And hey, you get to watch TV Poor Tom. And Rachel is ready to fuck shit up. One alien of each two kinds dead, and a human controller flung somewhere to maybe live? Elephant and Tiger time And Marco is a gorilla Later you would think about this moment WHY WHAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN TOM'S FREE AND WE'RE SAVING CASSIE RIGHT? Can horses stairs? V3 thinks they're Andalites. Ouch. Also where's Ax? 8 legs and 8 arms with 3 fingered claws, and 8 heads, tall as a tree. Vriska's aliensona Oh good and it shoots fireballs from its mouth Mouths Jesus Marco just twisted a guy in half and his guts spilled out. Alien guy but still Gotta love half morphed elephant ladies with shriveled trunk faces Something happened to the cop, and Cassie won't say what. Hum Tom is captured again. But you all saves One (1) human woman. It's a fucking start kids. And Tobias done fucked up. Wonderful. End Book #1. 

Oh cool now I can finally start listening to Morph Club, an Animorph pocast by some cool kids

[inthemidstofthefire]

Life is Crazy (and I’m only 20) My Breakup Story

Well man, let me tell ya life is crazy. Before I came to college I thought I had a pretty good idea of what life was, you have your routine, go to school, see friends, family, and eat. Maybe you take a vacation, fall in love but blah blah blah. But I had never been in love in high school. In fact, I never even liked anyone that much. Sure I kissed a few guys but things never went further and my crushes usually dissipated. Eventually, that small town life got boring, as it tends to when you grow up. So, I left. I applied to school in California, was luckily supported and allowed to go. So in 2015, I found myself here at an orientation meeting more new people than I had in my whole life! I loved it because, well, I’m a very social person. Freshman year was great, I had a fun group of friends, we went to fun parties and school wasn’t totally on my radar. My now ex, was. Matt and I first met as he brought another girl into his dorm, where I was hanging out. That girl was my friend and I was happy for her. I started hanging out with his roommates and alas we started a friendship. We ate a lot, smoked a lot, went to concerts. It was fun. Then it started to change, there was a lot of sexual tension, and one day before thanksgiving we made out. It progressed, we kept hooking up until, finally, we were kinda drunk in a stairwell and he said something like:

“Olivia, what are we doing here?”

To which I responded:

“Um, I don’t know”

“I think we should date.”

From there ensued a two hour conversation in which he convinced me to date him. Now l wasn’t being pressured, I just was unsure. He was part of my friend group at the time, and if it didn’t work out I’d be in an awkward position. But at the same time, I REALLY liked him. He was so cute, and fun, and nice. I had never liked anyone the way I liked him. So I went with it. Upon leaving I said 

“This makes me very uncomfortable” in a joking tone, but I was pretty serious.

After we dated for a few weeks, Valentines day approached. It was weird, but luckily I was out of town. We continued dating and that awkwardness began to fade. One night I snuck him into my dorm room and I lost my virginity to him. I was really excited (although it was awkward because my roommates were sleeping in the room—he also made me go on top, when I had no idea what I was doing). From then the sexplosion started. We were fucking so many times a week, people got annoyed. 

Around June I went home after finals for two weeks to spend time with friends and family before returning to Summer school. Now keep in mind my whole freshman year, I was in a weird place. I was done with my hometown and I thought with my friends. I didn’t really talk to my friends back home that year. When I returned home I was just so excited to get back to school. I remember the first red flag was when I was talking to my friends about going to a nude beach. Matt said that he didn’t want me to go because although he respected my bodily autonomy, others might not—so I should wait for him. I got into a huge argument, threatening to end the relationship. Which of course I didn’t want to do, but at that time I was still confident and not afraid to lose him. We worked through it, but he was still always weird about body things. 

Then something shifted. 

The summer of freshman year I did a summer program for architecture. Partly out of interest and partly out of a desire to get the fuck out of New Jersey. Right before it started though, Matt and I took our first vacation together. We went to a sleepy, meth town called Pismo Beach. The people were kinda weird, and the water was so cold, but the air was so hot. Definitely a weird beach weekend. When we first got there he began trying to have sex with me, he sort of just threw me on the bed and started fucking me. He never asked, but I thought that maybe our rough sex had given him a weird point of view. And I didn’t think it was all that bad because if I was horny I would have liked it. I cried a lot, and that’s when I had my first panic attack with him. He kept apologizing and said “I would never do anything to hurt you.” I accepted and we moved past it. The rest of the weekend was fun, we got good cinnamon rolls. 

This was a weird time. I had class everyday 9am-5pm. I lived in an apartment with strangers. And let me tell you, it was so fucking hot and my apartment had no air conditioning. I had never cooked for myself before, so most of the time I was starving. My neck always hurt from staring at my computer. I also had no friends. It was tough—I loved the work, but the scenario was hard. During this time Matt was still working at a restaurant back home so he would come and visit me on the weekends. First weekend was fun, he slept over, we probably smoked weed, got dinner etc. But by the 2nd to 3rd week of the program I started to feel weird. Now I’ve had childhood anxiety, I couldn’t sleep at night due to panic attacks, forgot how to eat, couldn’t leave the house. But I thought that was behind me. I started feeling extremely lonely, as I had made not one friend during this program to hang out with. Matt was the only person who was there for me. I was lonely, sad, tired, and stressed. One night I just said that I wanted to go home after only spending a little time with him, and before I could leave I just broke down. I told him “something isn’t right,” and he listened. I explained how I was feeling, he probably said he would help and that he loved me. He gave me encouragement and went home. These feelings persisted. The next weekend, I wanted him to come down but he couldn’t. My friend Andrea came and we went out for drinks. We met some lawyer who kept buying us tequila shots and margaritas and before you know it I was trashed. Now I know tequila, and alcohol in general, makes people emotional, but this was a whole other level. We got home, Andrea stayed inside, and I went outside and called Matt sobbing. I was so upset and I thought the only relief would be if he came over. He said he couldn’t, obviously (he lived far away and had work the next morning). I don’t remember saying any of this but I started crying about how I wanted to kill myself and jump in front of a car. These were thoughts that I had never uttered out loud or really ever thought of sober. He texted Andrea frantically saying I was going to kill myself, she came to get me we went to bed. I apologized to her in the morning saying it was just the tequila, and felt so guilty. 

I finished off my program and we went to Matt’s home for the night as I was flying out the next day. I was absolutely devastated to leave him. I worried that he would die, and that we would be separated forever. Well, whatever. I went home and unfortunately for me I arrived when all of my  friends were leaving. I found myself in the exact same place that I was at school—alone. I felt pretty depressed, all I wanted to do was talk to Matt. I was jealous that he was busy and I was not. I could barely get out of bed in the morning. I would sleep till 3pm and most days do nothing. I was more than ready to get the fuck out of New Jersey again. 

My sophomore year began and I was so excited. I was living in a single and Matt met me to help move my room around. He didn’t really want to help, he mostly just wanted to have sex. He actually made me feel bad about making him do so much labor because I knew what he really wanted. But I loved the guy, and my year began. I went to Spain for a week and missed out on meeting my floor and joining new clubs. That was hard because when I returned I had no new friends. While my closest buds were in singles next to me we never really talked like I imagined we would. Abby was in distress for the first two quarters over her breakup. Roslyn just seemed anti-social and/or depressed, and Tiffany was always with Nick (like every night). So there weren’t that many group hangouts or dinners. So, I spent most of my time with Matt. We had sleepovers multiple times a week and we had a great time together. It was so fun just getting to cuddle with someone for hours. We started a new routine where we’d go on these nice walks. It was nice. But he was still being weird about sex, I remember crying after being with him one time to Tiffany and Roslyn because I felt like he had pressured me or something. I tried to explain my boundaries to him but it turned into a debate about my bodily autonomy again. It was around this time that I wrote in one notebook that I felt “diluted, and had given too much of myself”, but of course these were just passing thoughts and most of my time was consumed with being in blissful innocent love. Some weird things happened too. When I was very drunk one night laying on the floor, Matt pulled my pants down and began eating me out. I told him to stop and I think someone walked into my room. There were other times when I would test him and pretend to sleep, he would still continue to fuck me anyway until I told him to stop. This continued and at one point I expressed that I didn’t know if I was what he wanted. He assured me that I was. That year was out first serious relationship talk, and it was a lot of me trying to validate my feelings. We hadn’t been going on as many dates anymore, which I wasn’t against because I don’t need a nice dinner to feel appreciated but I still missed him putting in effort to make me feel special. 

Towards the end of the year Tiffany took us to her Ventura house. We got really drunk, and Matt told me about his sexual fantasies. Apparently he would go online and pretend to be some female anime character and talk to people online. He said he hasn’t done it in a while though. Then on his computer I asked him to show me the porn he liked. This was one of the times (other than learning about his Dad) that I felt like he was opening up. But, the porn he watched was shitty. Really fake. We tried fucking while watching it but I just felt like I was being used by a sex toy. One night I was so drunk and apparently I said to him “please don’t have sex with me” which he told me the next day. He said of course he wouldn’t do something like that. At this point our sex life was getting weird, we had begun falling into this routine. He’d use the vibrator on me and just hold it there, it became boring. He wouldn’t talk dirty and when we did have really rough sex sometimes it became way too much. One time he made me cry it was so intense (this year). Our sex dropped off, we didn’t fuck at Mammoth, we didn’t fuck over Easter. Meanwhile I was still having panic attacks, being anxious and a bit suicidal. 

That summer we were both taking classes. It was hard to see each other but we made it work. However, it started to become boring to hang out together. We had good conversation about what he liked. We watched new shows, and cooked. Went to the occasional party. But something was getting weird. I felt like I was never really spending time with him. Our sleepovers dropped off. Cuddling sort of stopped too. He was always saying he was ready to go home and just seemed like he didn’t want to spend that much time with me. I mentioned this and he said everything was fine. Then on my birthday something happened, and I don’t completely remember it because I was so drunk. But we went to my room to have sex, I started to get tired and tried to sleep and I’m pretty sure he just tried to have sex with me anyway. We went through two weird drunk breakups where he said he didn’t think we would be together forever. I immediately thought to kill myself. He immediately apologized and we made up. The rest of the summer continued. We went camping which was fun, but only fucked once (couldn’t finish). I took mushrooms for the first time and it was nice. He got annoyed with my when I asked for too many things, like can I have the milk, and the eggs. That was probably a bit princessy of me. But hey. We went to his grandfather’s celebration. We went to nocturnal, and I said that I felt like he was going to break up with me after (it was the last thing we planned together). My mom asked if I would want to fly him home with me and I said no, part of me knew I think. We went to nocturnal, he was there for me when I got really anxious I told him how lucky I felt to be with him. 

The school year began, it was nice to have school again. I was excited. September happened and then around Abby’s birthday we were both drunk. He admitted he didn’t think we would have a family together, and broke up with me. It was a long weird conversation, I told him I didn’t want that. He didn’t either fully. He texted me the next day, we hung out. He came over drunk and slept on my couch with me. We reconciled three days later. The rest of the month I was on edge. I didn’t know if he really wanted to be with me and I couldn’t really trust him. He told me to trust him because “that’s obviously what i wanted” but he gave me no reason to trust him. I kept calling when I was drunk and alone talking about suicide. During our breakup I started cutting myself. He just told me “don’t do that,” he said we would talk about ways to help me but he never brought it up. We were barely having sex at this point and I told him when we reconciled that things would be different. We would each make a list about what we wanted, go on more dates etc. However, he never made the list, we went on one date  that I planned (like usual). I asked why we didn’t and he said “maybe we just don’t want to” all the signs were there but I loved this guy. This was my little Matt, the guy whose tiny butt I loved. The guy who made me laugh, the guy who was my best friend. On November 6th, I talked to him saying I wanted to have sex this week (something you shouldn’t really have to plan). He said that he hasn’t really wanted to have sex with me recently. This was something we had discussed previously, and I said is it just with me? Or everyone. And he said that he would maybe want to have sex with other people. It wasn’t that he didn’t find me attractive he just didn’t know. I asked if we should breakup? He said he didn’t know. He never knew. Never knew why he was feeling that way, never knew how to fix his feelings. I said, well, we don’t have to make a decision right now. And he agreed. Part of him was scared to say it. 

But then, I sat there. I looked at him, and I listened to my inner voice. I had a surge of power. There was something within me and it just screamed “you deserve better.” It felt wrong to feel, I thought, “but I love him.” But part of me knew that the love had changed. I had become dependent on him for my emotional wellbeing, I felt alone even in a relationship. I felt terrible about myself. He wasn’t helping me, he was hurting me. His indecision killed me. It gave me hope that things would turn the other way. But they weren’t because he stopped trying and kept me at bay in this limbo. So finally I said:

“I deserve better. I’m done trying, I want to breakup, if you truly want to be with me you’ll make that happen.”

To which he hesitated and said “well maybe, but you’re right. I think you said what I was to afraid to say”

We probably said some other things, we said I love you,  I went back to my studio. Then my heart started pounding and something inside me said GO BACK. So I waited 15, and speed walked back to him. I sat down and said “hi” it was still so weird, so I wasn’t super upset because I couldn’t really believe everything. I’m sure I was holding back some tears though. I said:

“I  feel weird about what just happened, I don’t think I should go back on what I decided but I don’t think either of us wanted to break up” and he agreed. So we started calling it a break, I said I wanted to actually not see him because our last breakup was ineffective considering we still saw and talked to each other.

The next day we met to give each other’s stuff back, I looked damn good. I saw him and we talked, we both said we had written our feelings. He said his could turn into a research paper. He said “it’s ok”, and I said “no it’s not” to which he asked me why. I forget what I said, we mostly talked about logistics. he told me to not be afraid to contact him as I am still his friend, but I said that I can’t do that right now. What was I supposed to say? “Hi I’m really sad about you”? NO. He agreed that could be weird, I told him to text me. He said he didn’t have much to say (haha, we dated for 1 1/2 years you’ve got SOMETHING TO SAY). He tried to buy me candy to bribe me, but i had no appetite. We began parting ways, he said he loved me. That was one month ago to this day. 

For some reason writing all of my feelings really helps me process them. Now, there are countless little details that could be added to this, but in my mind a lot of the bad really sticks out to me. God I miss him, but I don’t miss what we had last month. I miss the love we had right when we first met. We were devoted to each other problems and all. I don’t know if I wore him down with my anxiety or he just stopped being into me. But I do know that he isn’t emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship. He really played with my heart due to his inability to process his feelings. He was probably feeling weird about the relationship for a long time, but never really thought it through enough to come to a conclusion. 

Regardless, let me tell you how I’m feeling now. Firstly, breakups suck. They hurt like a motherfucker. To be honest my life has been pretty chill up until this point so this is by far the worst thing to happen to me in my life. I have never felt so sad. But, that sadness is lifting and GIRL it’s lifting faster than I thought. Whenever you ask someone about a breakup you just wanna know “HOW LONG AM I GONNA FEEL LIKE THIS” I have a feeling I’m still gonna be dealing with this for at least half a year, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna be miserable, or not date anyone else. I’m just gonna have to do A LOT of processing.

When this first happened all I wanted to do was text this motherfucker. He told my friend that he was doing good after out breakup because there was less drama. Drunk me found this out, called this boy, cursed him out. Then I got suicidal and he told me he needed to go to bed and that I wasn’t actually going to kill myself. Talked to the suicide hotline and called the next day to apologize for cursing. I let him know that my talk with my mom about getting help went well, he said he was glad. Later in the month he invited me to his house for thanksgiving which I declined (my og plan was to go to his place, and he thought I would be alone). But since then we haven’t talked. It’s hard because I talked to him everyday for like 2 years. It’s hard to not see him, because I miss our friendship. I felt like he was the closest friend I had ever made, and the reason I burdened him with my anxiety was because I didn’t want to open up to anyone else about my issues. 

But now, I feel free! When this breakup started I felt trapped and lonely because I hadn’t processed the weight and damage of this relationship. Now, I don’t have to worry about this boy stressing me, worrying about if I’m making him happy—I can just make myself happy. I no longer have to try in a one sided thing, I can get a tight ass, good skin, and meet new people. I’m doing so much better because I’ve let the bad emotions in, and have been letting go of the guilt that I felt for the failure of my relationship. I hate knowing that we failed, he was such an integral part of me—but that was the problem. I stopped doing everything I liked when I dated him, stopped listening to the music I liked, cared less about makeup, went shopping less. Things that I thought were good because I felt maybe I was maturing. But the things I like aren’t bad, and it makes no sense that I stopped doing them. Recently, I’ve been connecting more with estranged friends, working out and seeing the world as brand freaking new. I’ve been dancing, and just finding happiness in things that I thought were bad. I thought my friends here were bad, but to be honest I placed so much importance and value on my ex that I thought no one was as interesting as him. But bitch...that isn’t true at all! Sure there are a few friends here that I am excited to leave behind, but the majority of my friends here are kind people who truly care about me. That’s something I didn’t realize and I am happy to discover. I’m also discovering myself. I lost myself somewhere along this relationship and I lost hold of what I want from my life. I’ve been working on my goals and improving myself. 

I’m just one month out, although I haven’t really cried too much about my ex recently, I still feel down. And I’m sure that my healing will go up and down and up and down. It’s hard to feel good when you know bad is coming, but I’m trying to embrace all of the positivity and dedicate my energy to me, great friends and an interesting life. Love is great, and I really miss it. But I know that my ex was not right for me, and I deserve so much more. I hope reading this has helped you reflect on your own experience. I also wanted to share a resource that really has helped me: breakuprecoveryguide.com. They helped me so much and have a great guide for what to do following a breakup. The most important being “no contact” which you can learn about on their site. 

I mostly write this blog for myself so if you’ve made it this far, wow! Thank you, I hope I helped you in some way. 

[jobsearchtips02]

9 individuals on how Germany effectively dealt with the coronavirus pandemic

The majority stated they were positive in the federal government handling of the virus and stated they felt safeguarded by the country’s robust health care system.

Nevertheless, others said that some German states are not prioritizing more vital aspects of society while reopening, choosing to resume the Bundesliga, the German football league, over pre-schools.

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It’s the second weekend of May and Berlin remains in full swing. Public parks are covered in picnic blankets and sunbathing locals, and the city’s much-loved beer gardens are buzzing with people as they collect to consume and mingle in the hot afternoon sun.

Sebastian Wenz, an accounting professional who resides in the capital, is likewise there, watching neighboring television screens in anticipation as his house soccer group, Hertha BSC, returns to action for the very first time considering that the coronavirus outbreak.

” You wouldn’t believe that simply seven weeks back, Germany was going through a lethal pandemic,” Wenz informed Service Insider.

Eight weeks from the height of its coronavirus break out, Europe’s most populated nation has actually emerged relatively unscathed compared to the rest of the world.

Germany’s effective response to the coronavirus is credited to key elements including an early lockdown, a comprehensive testing program, and a working healthcare system, Organisation Expert formerly reported.

To date, the country has seen more than 183,000 verified coronavirus cases, but just 8,594 deaths To put this into viewpoint, New york city City alone, which has a tenth of Germany’s population, has around double that death toll.

Visitors sit at tables of dining establishments on the Neumarkt in front of the Frauenkirche in Dresden on May 22,2020

Robert Michael/picture alliance through Getty Images.

Unlike other European countries, including Spain or the United Kingdom, Germany managed to preserve its low death rate while still keeping lockdown steps fairly relaxed.

Each of its 16 federal states executed their own sets of lockdown guidelines, which varied in seriousness.

Now, as the country resumes and life gradually goes back to regular, Germans reviewed how they think the nation carried out in the face of the pandemic.

” In March all of it occurred really rapidly, from one day to the next. But then it also ended truly quickly and now we’re just trying to get back to regular,” said Wenz.

The 35- year-old and his family are slipping back into their old regimens. His 11- year-old child is back in school, his other half is operating in the workplace 3 times a week, and he recently enjoyed a weekend excursion to a museum with his in-laws.

” I’m an extremely logical person, so I remained calm throughout, although I think that’s also because in basic, the federal government seemed to have things under control,” he added.

A worker wearing a face shield talks with a customer at his coffee shop in Berlin on May 15,2020

Kyodo News/Getty Images.

Wenz is not the only one who feels in this manner.

” Their overall method was to say: ‘These are the guidelines, please stick to them.

Reitz also believes the federal government avoided an even worse break out by going into lockdown fairly early, although notes that this wasn’t an opinion shared by everyone.

” We have local governments who were doing their own thing.

Georgiana Ci, 28, who is originally from Romania however lives in Berlin, stated: “I felt safe that I am in Germany.

” I thought she made sense.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel holds a press conference at the Chancellery on May 20, 2020 in Berlin.

Omer Messinger-Pool/Getty Images.

During the crisis, Merkel got global acknowledgment for being level-headed. As a former research scientist with a doctorate in quantum chemistry, the German chancellor was typically seen on television breaking down stats, describing why certain procedures were taken, and calling for nationwide unity.

One video which revealed Merkel describing the clinical basis behind her lockdown technique during a press conference on April 16, was shared countless times on social networks.

The chancellor has actually been rewarded with her greatest approval scores because July 2017, according to a survey mentioned in Deutsche Welle. Her celebration, the Christian Democratic Union Party (CDU), shared the success, with their approval ranking up 5%from last month.

Every individual Service Expert spoke to likewise stated they were extremely impressed by and grateful for Germany’s healthcare system For lots of, it is the crucial factor in blunting the impact of the coronavirus.

Dagmar, 61, a relaxation therapist from Hennef, a city just outside Bonn, said: “I was positively surprised by our health care system. It is strong and functions well. It’s something Germans can do effectively.”

” I do not think we must undervalue how abundant and resourceful Germany is,” Goldfarb stated.

The 25- year-old adds that her mother, who works in a lab in a hospital in neighboring Bamberg, hasn’t been extremely busy for weeks.

” The huge state medical facilities prepared themselves so much.

Individuals spend Dad’s Day on the Elbe beach in Övelgönne, Hamburg, on May 21,2020

Bodo Marks/dpa by means of Getty Images.

Germany’s spending on health care per capita is among the greatest on the planet and it has the 2nd most critical-care beds per capita in Europe, Company Insider reported.

From the very beginning, the country took the hazard of COVID-19 seriously. By the time it taped its first coronavirus case in February, laboratories throughout the nation had actually developed a stock of test kits, The New york city Times reported. In the very same week, a national crisis group was formed and ICU capability increased by 12,000 to 40,000 beds.

On April 26, the nation’s lead epidemiologist, Christian Drosten informed The Guardian: “We are seeing half-empty ICUs in Germany. This is since we started diagnostics early and on a broad scale, and we stopped the epidemic– that is, we brought the reproduction number below 1.”

Germany’s rigorous testing system garnered appreciation from all over the world. With a population of around 83 million, the country can perform approximately one million diagnostic COVID-19 tests a day.

” We trust our health care system. If I feel terrible and my physician tells me to remain at home, I’m going to stay home,” stated Goldfarb.

The medical student’s view shows a cultural norm that also played an important function in the nation’s success: Germans listen to the rules.

Augsburg’s assistant coach Tobias Zellner offers an interview after the German very first department Bundesliga football match on May 16, 2020 in Augsburg.

Tobias Hase/Pool/Getty Images.

Matthias Veith, 31, who works in insurance coverage in Düsseldorf, said: “Maybe this is a more cultural thing, however when there is a guideline, Germans follow it.

” During the lockdown, it worked.

Veith remembers how at the peak of the pandemic, the city was deserted despite reasonably relaxed lockdown limitations.

However as Germany has seen a decrease in cases, people are not scared to reenter society.

Bettina von Hengstenberg, 72, who lives in Hamburg, states that even senior people are beginning to socialize once again, although they stay cautious.

” I’m not terrified to leave the house any longer, however I believe that’s due to the fact that the numbers in Hamburg are so low.

” I asked my neighbor for four weeks to go to the supermarket for me. After 4 weeks, I put my mask on and said: ‘Right, I’m going to go now due to the fact that I can no longer be afraid,” von Hengstenberg included.

A waiter serves beer in the Park Cafe in Munich on May 18,2020

Andreas Gebert/Reuters.

The one thing that does stress Germans, nevertheless, is the economy.

But while most people Service Insider spoke to support the resuming of the nation, some were cautious it was premature and could set off a 2nd wave of infection.

Sebastian Mihãilã, 27, who lives in Berlin, said: “I absolutely disagree with opening bars and clubs. I do not mind at all if there are 5 individuals in the park who are being in a circle, 2-meters apart, and just talk.”

But I do mind when I see these type of gatherings in front of a bar where individuals likewise get intoxicated and within two hours are all over each other, dancing and hugging. It’s meaningless,” he included.

A demonstrator wearing a mask holds up signs during a protest versus the government’s limitations, in Berlin on May 23,2020

Christian Mang/Reuters.

Stephan Brunnhuber, 29, who operates in IT in Munich, recently returned to the city after waiting out the pandemic with his parents in the countryside. The southern state tape-recorded the first coronavirus case in the country and, unlike other places, had a much more stringent lockdown.

” I think it’s great that we’re reopening however in other cases, I think it’s still prematurely. For instance, in Bavaria, they resumed the beer garden prior to kindergarten. I think in some cases it makes good sense but in this case, it doesn’t. Their top priorities are wrong,” he said.

The resumption of the Bundesliga, Germany’s soccer league, on May 16, also stimulated a great deal of debate in the country.

” The other leagues and seasons have been canceled. Why them? It’s so dangerous,” Brunnhuber said.

While there was extensive acceptance of a lockdown, some Germans also felt that the country overreacted In the last couple of weeks, the country has seen a boost in anti-lockdown demonstrations, which have suddenly end up being the leading edge of an international anti-vaxxer motion.

” The demonstrations are embarrassing. I feel mad when I see them since the only thing we are expected to do is to watch out for each other. It makes me wonder where the typical individuals remain in the world,” stated Goldfarb, the medical trainee from Nürnberg.

Because the peak of the break out, the country has had a great deal of time to reflect. Although it has been praised for its effective coronavirus action, the experience has still left a considerable effect on people’s lives. They are increasingly conscious that things won’t go back to normal– a minimum of for a while.

Goldfarb reflected: “I think there’s a big opportunity in this entire scenario to evaluate our lives, so I do think things will change a bit, and I hope that we will not simply go back to typical since that would imply we found out nothing from this.”

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[sportsgameqia-blog-blog]

The Unlikely Preacher of Action Sports

New Post has been published on https://sportsguideto.com/trending/the-unlikely-preacher-of-action-sports/

The Unlikely Preacher of Action Sports

Sal Masekela steps off a helicopter onto the white sands of Tavarua Island Resort, a tiny speck in the Fiji archipelago, and walks into a gorgeous open-air restaurant that overlooks a world-famous reef break appropriately dubbed Restaurants. He greets the Fijian staff by name, hugging them, asking them about their lives since his last visit.

Masekela, you may recall, was the face and voice of ESPN’s X Games, hosting both the summer and winter events for more than a decade. With his iconic dreadlocks and smooth baritone, he was a fixture at the center of the action-sports universe, narrating nearly every history-making moment at the games, from Travis Pastrana’s double backflip on a motorcycle in 2006 to Shaun White’s perfect halfpipe run in 2012.

Today, six years since a breakup with ESPN, Masekela remains deeply entrenched in action sports. He is here, on the surf mecca of Tavarua, for a vacation with a group of friends comprised of athletes, movie stars, entrepreneurs, Instagram influencers, and their families. As he makes the rounds, a guest compares him to Ricardo Montalbán, the suave Mexican actor best known for playing Mr. Roarke on Fantasy Island. Somehow, despite the fact that Masekela is a stocky black man, and recently bald, it’s a rather apt observation. It can be challenging to walk anywhere with Masekela, because everyone who sees him wants to stop and talk with him and he wants to talk to everybody. He is Larry David’s worst nightmare.

This is Masekela’s 16th trip to Tavarua but nonetheless a special one, because it’s his first visit since his father died from prostate cancer six months ago. Hugh Masekela was a trumpeter and is often credited as the father of South African jazz. He played and toured with everyone from Paul Simon to Dave Matthews and was nominated for three Grammys. During apartheid, Hugh left South Africa to study music in the United States, but he remained outspoken against the brutality of South African racial segregation. In 1986, he recorded “Bring Him Back Home,” a song demanding the release of Nelson Mandela that would eventually become a rallying cry for the anti-apartheid movement.

Tavarua is Masekela’s favorite place on earth, and he’d implored his father to travel there with him. They made plans for the fall of 2016 and even purchased tickets, but at the last minute, Hugh postponed. A year and a half later, he passed away. This trip, these waves, Masekela says, are for his dad.

Masekela hosting Lollapalooza in Chicago (Jeremy Deputat/Red Bull Content Pool)

The vacation also comes at a significant moment in Masekela’s career—a moment when he hopes to find a path back into the limelight. Since walking away from the X Games, he has continued to work in television, hosting a series for Red Bull Media House, reporting stories for NBC at the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, and hosting a sports documentary series on Viceland, among other gigs. He’s had bit parts in movies. His band, Alekesam, which blends jazz, soul, and R&B, has been featured on HBO and Showtime and released its second album last summer. Still, Masekela has grander ambitions, though he struggles to define them.

Like many major figures from the heyday of action sports, Masekela is still coming to grips with the fact that his world has lost much of its cultural and commercial cachet. As recently as 2011, an average of more than a million viewers tuned in to watch the four-day-long Summer X Games on television. By 2017, that number dropped to 385,000. (ESPN says viewership is actually up when you account for streaming and social viewers, but declined to share year-over-year numbers.) The formerly rebel sports of snowboarding, BMX, and skateboarding have been adopted by the Olympics. The bad-boy stars of yesterday are now middle-aged dads.

Masekela has ridden the action-sports wave as far and well as he could’ve hoped, but no ride lasts forever.

That Masekela became the face of the X Games in the first place was wildly improbable. He was born in 1971 in Los Angeles, the first child of Hugh and Haitian immigrant Jessie Lapierre. By the time he turned four, his parents had moved to New York City and split up, and his mother was remarried to a Jehovah’s Witness, who raised Masekela in the church. But despite his stepdad’s best efforts, Hugh’s influence endured. Masekela split time between marijuana-clouded jazz clubs and going door to door spreading the Truth. “Growing up between those worlds gave me a strange set of skills,” he says. “For a long time they felt like a burden, like I was always working to fit in.”

His mom and stepdad moved around a lot, ultimately abandoning the East Coast for Carlsbad, California, at the start of Masekela’s senior year of high school. Relocating across the country was difficult for him. During the drive out, he spent rest-stop breaks at pay phones. “I was calling my girl back east and not saying anything,” he says. “Just weeping on the phone for like ten minutes, that high school heartbreak shit.”

But on his first morning in Carlsbad, he discovered that his new house sat on top of a steep hill with a view of the ocean, a feature that he credits with shaping the trajectory of his life. “Imagine, you walk out of this house onto this lawn, and you look and you’re like, Oh shit we’re right here.”

Masekela with his father, Hugh, in 2016 (Abby Ross)

Surfing became the focus of Masekela’s life. As a Jehovah’s Witness, he was discouraged from playing organized sports, but several of the members of his congregation surfed, and they loaned him a board and a wetsuit, which he put on backward the first time. He spent his downtime at school paging through back issues of Surfer, neglecting his schoolwork to study board sports. He refined the basic skateboarding skills he’d started developing back east, and he learned to snowboard. “Nothing else sounded as good,” he says. “I didn’t want to be around people who did it. I wanted to be around people who lived it.” He became a full-on disciple of what he would call the shred life.

The tension between his new passion and his commitment to the church began to mount. At 19, Masekela went to South Africa to meet up with his father, who had recently returned home for the first time in 30 years. It was 1991, and Mandela had just been released from prison. During the trip, Masekela explored life a bit too enthusiastically for the church’s standards. His sins were, in his words, “that I made out with a bunch of girls and smoked some pot.”

When he confessed, the elders chose to disfellowship him. “You have to keep going to church, to the meetings, but no one talks to you,” he explains. During his exile, Masekela remained close with his mother, but the social isolation was a brutal punishment. “It was without a doubt the most difficult time in my life,” he says. “I was severely depressed. I held a knife to my wrist in my kitchen many times.”

He moved to a new congregation in a nearby beach community called Leucadia. In 1993, while working at a restaurant, he crossed paths with several employees from TransWorld Media, which produces board-sports magazines and films, and he charmed his way into a job as a receptionist. In no time he worked up to sales jobs and small-scale announcing gigs for skateboarding competitions. His circle of friends expanded to include the pros he was interviewing at contests. By 1996, he was the team manager for Boks, the nascent action-sports division of Reebok, where he helped build the brand’s surf, skate, snowboard, and BMX teams.

The more entrenched he became in action sports, the further he drifted from the church, leaving religion behind for a new gospel.

Masekela’s big break came in the winter of 1997, at a snowboarding conference in Vail, Colorado. Boks had just folded, and his future was uncertain. He knew he had to do some networking.

The event took place in the wake of the first X Games, which was an embarrassment to everybody who cared about action sports. Purple skateboard ramps and clueless commentators left the community and industry furious at how their lifestyle and products had been represented.

Masekela in the studio with bandmate Sunny Levine (Abby Ross)

During a Q and A session that included executives from ESPN and MTV, Masekela decided to speak up. “At a certain point, I don’t even know what happened, but I was ­standing on top of my chair in the back. I said, ‘You know, I watch all these things—the X Games and what you guys are doing on MTV—and you don’t have any voices that represent our culture to tell people about what they’re seeing. Bill Bellamy doesn’t fucking snowboard. Here’s the deal: I’m young, I’m black, I surf and I snowboard, and I know that I could get in front of the camera and do that.’ ”

He got a standing ovation. “People were buying me beers all night like I had just given some weird ‘I Have a Dream’ shred speech.” At an after-party, an executive from MTV gave him a business card. The next year, Masekela was commentating the MTV Sports and Music Festival, offering the insider’s perspective he’d cultivated since landing in California years before.

By 1999, Masekela had landed a job as a reporter for the Winter X Games. The following summer, when Tony Hawk landed the first 900, Masekela was standing at the top of the ramp. From there it was pretty much game on. The action-sports wave was barreling into the mainstream, and Masekela was pitted as its chief evangelist.

Masekela’s presence on Tavarua is conspicuous for many reasons, but even if he was less gregarious, he would still stick out. Other than the Fijian staff members, he is the only black person on the entire island. By contrast, the kids on the trip are named Chili, Coast, Country, Fin, Hazel, Jet, Lyon, Oz, Rider, River, Roman, and Tashen. That list may not be exhaustive or spelled exactly right, but the point is: the only thing whiter than the sand here is the people.

Tavarua, like many tropical-island resorts, is a destination for people with money. There are spa treatments. There’s a yoga space. There’s an artificial-turf tennis court. Speaking of tennis, Masekela loves tennis. He also loves golf. When you grow up as a skateboarding Jehovah’s Witness, perhaps adding golfer to the list becomes easier.

But still, as a black man at the center of a nearly all-white industry, Masekela has encountered racism many times. In the early nineties, the owners of a surf shop where he was working let him go, telling him that business was slowing down and they needed to cut back on staff. But a friend who was still working there told him that the owners didn’t think Masekela matched the image of what a surf-shop employee should be—which is to say, white.

Masekela on Niue, in the South Pacific (Sal Masekela)

“Even though I had gone through all sorts of fucking racist shit as a result of starting surfing and snowboarding—people making fun of me and calling me a nigger and telling me that we don’t even swim—I still didn’t think something like that would happen,” he says. “It really, really fucked me up.”

When he got the job as the host of the X Games, the racism became more pernicious. People would assume he was a marketing choice made by network executives—that he had studied up on the difference between a heel flip and a pop shove-it after he got the job, when in reality he could do both of those tricks. “There were people who started to be like, ‘Wow, that’s really gutsy of ESPN to pick a black guy to do this. So smart. You don’t really do this stuff do you?’ ” The same authenticity that got him the job was suddenly being questioned because of his skin color.

“I didn’t have an agenda to be like, I’m the fucking Great Black Hope of action sports. I wanted to be the best commentator. I wanted to be seen as on par with the greats in broadcasting and entertainment.”

One warm summer afternoon on his couch in Venice Beach, Masekela was in a reflective mood. We were surrounded by boxes that he hadn’t unpacked since he moved to the house 12 months ago. The front door was open, and sunlight streamed in.

He told me about his split with ESPN, back in late 2012, saying that the network had wanted to renegotiate his contract. He said that a big reason he left was a feeling that ESPN had begun to devalue action sports in general. For Masekela, this was unacceptable; they were his life. A few weeks after quitting, he cut off his dreads.

“I was kind of wrestling for identity,” he said. “I cried while doing it. There were people who told me, ‘You just lit your career on fire.’ And I’d be like, ‘If you know me and consider me a friend, and you’re telling me that my hair is my calling card, then you’re telling me that you don’t hear what it is that I have to say.’ ”

Masekela near his home in Venice, California (Nikko LaMere)

As a host and announcer, one of the greatest strengths Masekela brought to action-sports events was his credibility. “We had a lot of these bro-type announcers who didn’t really capture what was going on,” says snowboarder Shaun White. “Sal knew us personally, so he could kind of talk about how a guy has been wanting to do this trick for so long and what it would mean if he did it during this run.”

Today, though, being respected by core board-sports athletes doesn’t do much for a guy’s résumé. Masekela is eager to begin a new chapter but admits he doesn’t know what that will look like yet. Which is why he’s trying a little bit of everything. He’s starting a podcast, tentatively called What Shapes Us, for which he’ll interview the deep well of exceptional friends he’s made over the years, and possibly broadcast conversations with his father posthumously. He’s touring with his band, he’s hosting more traditional adventure and travel stories for National Geographic, and he’s trying to do more acting. He says he’d like to host another TV show, but only if it feels right.

One impediment to Masekela’s career reboot is the fact that he’s not the most organized person. He doesn’t like budgets or spreadsheets. He has a tendency to lose things, forget stuff, and miss flights.

Case in point: he arrives on Tavarua a day later than planned, after a fundraising event for his charity, Stoked Mentoring, ran long and he didn’t catch his plane to Fiji. But after he finishes unpacking, he hops on the evening boat to Cloudbreak, an infamous wave that detonates two miles from the island on a barrier reef. Just about anywhere else, you’d call the conditions good to great, but by Cloudbreak standards things are looking somewhat pedestrian. The wind isn’t quite right, the lulls between sets are long, and the wave isn’t barreling like it should.

Then, just before dusk, the wind dies a bit, and the reef starts to grab the swell. All of a sudden, Masekela is on an absolute gem—green and gold, backlit by low-angle tropical sun. Miraculously, the inside section gets hollow, and he tucks into the barrel. You can hear him whooping with joy. Finally, just before the wave ends, he kicks out the back. He’s probably 100 yards or more down the reef, but he reels in his board and heads straight for the lineup.

The sun is setting, but Sal Masekela is paddling back out.

David Shultz (@dshultz14) is a freelance writer in Santa Barbara, California. This is his first feature for Outside.

Source

https://www.outsideonline.com/2380521/unlikely-preacher-action-sports-sal-masekela

[lunatichronicles-blog]

“On Kavanaugh....”

Reflections.....

I would guesstimate at least 75% of the women growing up in the suburbs of Washington, D.C. In the 60's-80's knew a “Brett Kavanaugh” or two...or a whole lot more. Attending H.S. In Northern Va in the late 60's-early 70's, the “extra-curricular” leisure activities of the day for the typical h.s. student often revolved around games, cruising, walk-outs, sit-ins, protests, passionate causes, partying, heading in to Georgetown/D.C., going to Ocean City, & Rehobeth Beach and yes...drinking and smoking pot....sometimes maybe something a little more, like “Mother's little helpers”! We were “experimenting”, breaking out of our Beaver Cleaver upbringings with June and Ward, caught between “good-girls, our peers, and “sex, drugs, rock n roll”, in an uproarious time period politically and socially. We wanted to be very “anti-establishment”, and “free”, and “Make Love not War”, but we always had the right to say NO, and expect a decent boy to respect that even if we might have been having too “free” of a time! After all, most of the boys I knew were raised in “middle, upper-middle, and upper-class” homes by Veterans of WWII and the Korean War, while also going into and out of Vietnam. There wasn't a whole lot of “diversity” in those areas back then, and there were also those “privileged-preppy” kids that went to the various surrounding schools and had their Country Clubs and their cock-tailing folks, many of which knew nothing about what was going on with their kids under their own damn roofs, because they were too self absorbed or stressed or adulting themselves....but were there little Bretts? Hell yes, always have been! Let's see...Mama was a judge, Daddy was a “God”, and little Brett was an only child, a spoiled, well groomed little wuss always expected to excel and be athletic like his Dad?...Momma probably got him out of various DUI's over the years with her judgeship and knowing lots of other “elites” of the day in the same various social circles of the Country Clubs, tennis courts, pools, parties, and bars of the day...the climate was lush for lush's and letches!! Full court press, Masher, Chester, Sex Offender. Privileged, Entitled, Empowered, Enthused, Emboldened, and put on a pedestal...they were sure to fall..... eventually. Karma's a bitch.

    I still have a calendar from my Sr. year of h.s.! Why did I keep it? It got tucked away with some other memorabilia, along with a  little notebook diary I kept BRIEFLY, since it was discovered and read by my Mother...but I digress, in any case, I kept these things for sentimental reasons. Everybody had “fun, fun, fun til their Daddy took the t-bird away....” seems we didn't mind drinking and driving back in the day, and there were more than a few occasions when (regrettably) I was a bit “foggy” on the drive home with a friend, or group of friends; or even who's house, or party we were even at...all we might have known or needed to know was the suggestion of someone having a party and “so n so” was gonna be there, so we went. There were always all kinds of things going on in the rooms of the houses and you really were so focused on yourself that you couldn't possibly know the full extent of everything going on and all the various activities being “engaged in”. Sometimes there were parents, sometimes, Not. I was a “good girl” sexually thru h.s. Were there times I may have “teased” or “lead someone on”? Yes. BUT. As long as I could put the brakes on, it was okay. I may not have “remembered” every “boy kissed”, or date with whom, HOWEVER... The Pervs and the Chesters and the took-it-too-far's I've never forgotten. I suspect most women don't since something was STOLEN, and taken UNWILLINGY (unless, heart-breakingly..they may have been roof-ied, or the experience was repressed). I was very fortunate on two occasions that there were “real men” (boys/buddies, friend's, classmates) that were there to “help” with the unwelcome advances and nip it in the bud, or punish the “behavior”. There were however, a couple occasions when no one was around to defend me, but me. While I was able to extricate myself from rape, there were things that happened that were unwelcome and guilt- ridden and shameful horrible memories that make you feel dirty and like trash, and like it was your fault. I've never shared those with anyone. Not even my husband of 35 years. It was “embarrassing”, and spoke to MY character. I have a friend who was  molested by her Dad who she always “stood by” out of guilt, shame, and protection of a younger sibling. It has affected her entire life. A relative was taken advantage of  by an older male relative. A majority of friends I've ever had in the “service industry”, or secretarial world were regularly rebuffing unwelcome advances, touches...from client/customers, and superiors, or persons you “answered to” Thinking back on it now, all these “men”, or “boys” were more “powerful” in some way....whether in authority, position, age, strength, or “station in/of life”. The kinds of kids or men than can “ruin a reputation”, and not have another thought about it on their rise to power and empowerment. Whether young and in a “clicque”, or in a “boys will be boys”, or “good-ol-boys network”! Fortunately there were a whole lot more “Father Know's Best”, and boys of character back then, that held themselves to a decent set of standards. “Good guys”(not mafioso!), who may have “tried” to cross the line “a little”; but knew when “enough was enough”, and when they were “pushing their luck”, and gonna get their “hand slapped”! They were the majority. At least that was my experience. Good decent guys, good decent girls trying our best to “feel our way thru” and navigate the quickly changing “groovy” time waves of past and present. But again, there WERE the “Brett's, the Bill's, Harvey's, Charlie's, Les'. Enter Me2, Karma, and “Revolution” (again. It's all a process isn't it? Growth generally comes with changes – good and bad).  Sometimes things come around to bite you in the ass. Sometimes they're undeserved, sometimes not. “We're mad as hell and we're not gonna take it any more”. These experiences are painful. We like to tuck them away and leave them in the past. Sometimes your past has a way of “presenting”. IF you share, you face the inevitable “she was asking for it”, and the victim is put in a defensive posture b/c girls and women are “meant to be demure”, and you were some kind of a liberal bitch,or trying to “SMEAR” a man if you did. WHY? The more we hear and learn and share, the healthier we are becoming as women. The more we are breaking out of the traditional roles set forward on us by men of power and our great grandmas (or our own Mom's and sisters, many of whom are living with their own UNshared UNwelcome UNhealthy experiences, and are UNable to clean their slate an ease their pain and mind because of their sense of self preservation) the stronger more respected we will be, and equality I guess, we will have to and are beginning to “demand”.  If that makes us a “Bitch” to anyone, then THEY have the problem. A real man welcomes total inclusion and equality and is nt threatened. Denying an inappropriate sexual encounter occurred, doesn't make it better and your ability to move on is ultimately inhibited from your own inhibition.

Ambition and the lack of moral character along with being groomed, led, and promised by being a “good boy”, and doing what was “expected of you” I imagine would be it's own Hell. But for some, the path they chose. Now pay the piper, and this time you don't pass go. Wake up the old men. Shake them to their core of safe and warm. I want more RBG's, more Sondra Sodamier, Meghan McCains, Feinsteins, and Ferrara's, “Dr. Patriots”, and my friends...at least we as women can stand in solidarity for our own sex. WHY would we not believe someone elses's truth when we KNOW we've all had Unwelcome Encounters of the Non-Extraterrestrial kind!! About the Supreme Court Nominee - Shouldn't we actively attempt to (I'll go out on a limb here) hire some more diverse humans on the highest most respected court in our USA? Like perhaps another Woman?! Agenda-less, Un-biased, Even handed, Fair, Respected, Independent, Patriot, someone with a “calling” that earns our respect for upholding and translating, and changing if necessary, the laws of our nation to make them fair and truly just for ALL in our ever-changing ever shifting, ever-learning, ever growing nation. A nation that can be under the rule of inclusion, acceptance, and an inability to accept this wanton, ugly self-centered, lawlessness of humanity.  W-O-W-U “Wake UP WOMEN Unite” !!!The end...for tonite...BSE 9/28/18

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My Year in Pictures: 2016

Having realised I posted so little last year, it’s time to get back into it with a lovely little memory post - my year in pictures, once more!

So in January we had just got back from travelling and had Christmas back in England, so really very little happened as we were very tired and broke and searching for jobs. But we saw our lovely friends who we’d missed loads over the last four months - I will always be grateful for those who stick around for us to come back to. 

Gacy? Storge?

In February, we did what we do every year - make sure we don’t go out on Valentine’s Day because of the ridiculous prices and busy-ness, and went out for dinner for an anti-Valentine’s instead. 2 for 1 cocktails are fun when one of you has to drive ;) 

George, Stacey, James and I (AKA Universally Challenged) lost at the pub quiz in the Comrades Club, though we really won as coming dead last means you get FOOD.

Tash, Beth and I also met up for Beth’s birthday, when we went to Soton for the ultimate student night in Jester’s - that student club where you have to wear old shoes because God knows what crap you’re going to get from the sticky floors in there. 

In March, I took THE PLUNGE. One I had been wanting to take for years. I got a tattoo!! My little Mantine is on my left thigh, happily swimming around like the manta rays we swim with in Fiji on our round-the-world trip (though he is a little smaller than the ones we met). It was sore but not as bad as I thought… though doing it on your ribs like I thought I wanted originally might be a different story. This is a photo of it on the day: 

And how could George, Stacey, James and I pass up a Misugo’s and Creams? 

God knows what we did in April, other than watching Eurovision with Alec… where a face swap meant that a celebrity turned up out of the blue!

In fact, April (or really March 30th) saw me start my new job with the Haulfryn Group as a Marketing Executive, where I still am today. 

In May, Beth came up to see me, and we took a lovely summery walk around Virginia Water Lake. 

Then James and I made sure we went to Comicon in London, where we finally got to meet our idols, the Yogscast & Hat Films! They really were lovely, especially their man man Lewis, who made sure to talk to us for ages despite the hours-long queue behind us! 

In June, Stef and I showed our mutual love/obsession with sushi by having a sushi-making session (though I may have got a bit tipsy and got impatient with all the fiddly rolling!). 

For those of you who remember (or care) the Queen turned 90 in June, so at work we had a ‘dress like a royal’ day. I won and my fellow Marketer/graphic designer Hannah (AKA Kate Middleton) came second! 

July marks the second half of the year, and also when my year started to pick up. That always seems to be the case with me - I do so much more exciting things in the second half! Though nothing could top my 4 months travelling, I’m sure. 

James and I took advantage of my company being the owner of holiday parks throughout the UK and took a trip down to Paignton, Devon, to stay in a luxury lodge, relax, and see his lovely cousins who live down there. We even had a hot tub!! 

We also finally met his cousins’ hairless kitties, who are actually gorgeous and not weird like so many people think about hairless cats. They were so friendly, though it is a bit weird stroking something without any fur! The female with a little bit of fur is named Lumi, and the completely bald male is Kuro (photo credit to Elise Preston for the latter). 

Those eyes though.

James and I also took advantage of the lovely scenery around us and the hot Summery days to play Pokemon Go, as it had only just come out then! 

I was also reunited with my uni girls again in Shoredich (2 out of 3 of them) and we had a lovely time, eating delicious street food and catching up (dat oversized bag wow)!

My nephew also turned 1 on the 16th of July, so my sister had a birthday party for him. 

In August I saw the girls (and Freddy!) again at a Hong Kong Drinking Team gig in London; perfect location for all of us to meet up! 

I also took time off work to spend time with my little sister Harriet at the beach…

…had more sushi and plum wine with Stef at Mikado’s…

…and saw the girls (all of them this time) again in London!)

Also in August, James and I took a day trip into London to take advantage of Harriet’s Merlin pass! 

We had crocodile and ostrich burgers at Shaka Zulu (a cocktail, burger and chips for £10 in the middle of London, whaaaat?) and then went onto Maddam Toussards - somewhere I’d never been, but had wanted to ever since seeing loads of them dotted around countries you’d never even think they’d have them on our travelling adventures. 

We met loads of celebrities there too #blessed.

With that chaotic month over, September didn’t slow down that much, with our friends Rosie and Josh having a leaving party before they jetted off to South America to do some travelling. 

See my Facebook timeline for an amazing video of Josh’s dancing!

My sisters and I also took my dad out for a late Father’s Day trip into London to again take advantage of Harriet’s Merlin passes - we went to the London Dungeons and the Aquarium! The Dungeons were brilliant, having not been there for ages, - of course my dad pointed out every inaccuracy, and Amelia being pregnant meant she couldn’t go on the little rides they had in there, haha!

Beth also came down to go to one of James’ gigs…

…and I was sad to have to move offices in September, as my commute would be slightly longer and I’d miss reading by the beautiful Thames on my lunch breaks. 

October saw Stef turn 23, and we had a big house party over her’s, which was great fun! Sam debated heavily with her mum, we took some great photos, and I saw Laura again for the first time in nearly 2 years. ^-^ 

We also went back down to Devon to see James’ cousins again…

…went to MCM again and met Tomska, another of our Youtube heroes…

…and finally I went down to Soton to go with the girls to Oceana for Halloween! We had such a good time at predrinks together in our posh little hotel rooms.  

Sadly, James’ gran passed away at the end of September. However, she very lovingly left her home to James, and so we had spent the whole of October and November doing it up, so that we could finally live together after 7 whole years of being together. It took weeks of painting and sorting and carpets and quite a bit of our savings, but it was totally, completely worth it, just to be finally living together after so long.

In November, our lovely neighbour, Joe, installed our shower for us and put up the beautiful splashboards that we picked in a stunning slate colour. 

November marked our 7 year anniversary - can you believe it?! 

So, at the end of the month we went to the Ice Bar and Winter Wonderland, both of which we’d never been to before, so it was lovely and a completely new experience, going around one of the biggest Christmas markets in the UK. 

And what anniversary would be complete without sushi…

Weirdly, PM Theresa May came to our work on Friday to open our new Maidenhead offices, being the constituent for Maidenhead. She had her funky shoes on and looks suitably confused. This may be when one of our managers asked “Is Brexit actually going to happen?” 

December was SUCH a busy month. Not least because James and I FINALLY MOVED IN TOGETHER!! My cats tried to sabotage our efforts however by camping in my last pile of dirty laundry…

We moved in on the 2nd of December, and due to our efforts of the previous couple of months, it very quickly felt homely and cosy. We bought 2 sofas from the charity shop, put up the Christmas decorations, and - most importantly - made sure both our computers fit in the living room for optimal gaming time!

Despite being pretty ill the first week, it was great.

Our good friend Lynne even made us this lovely moving in present!

After all that excitement, I had a very early birthday party on the 10th of December, seeing all my friends in the local pub, The Squirrels. 

I also made sure to see the girls from uni one last time this year in London for dinner and drinks.

In the middle of December, Haulfryn had a Christmas party, which I could take James along to. It was really fun - it was a masquerade mall in Reading, with a three-course meal and wine, as well as acrobats and other acts to keep as all entertained, and a casino for James to try his luck! Having been at Haulfryn for almost a year now, it’s nice to be able to go to a big event like this. 

For my birthday this year, James really went all out. I had no idea what he had planned - only that we were going to London, and I had to wear my Pokemon dress! So I donned it and off we went.

First he took me to Sticks ‘n’ Sushi in Covent Garden for a late lunch - and as all I seem to eat is sushi you’ll know how incredible that must have been!

Mmmm big decanter of sake.

Then afterwards we got on the tube to Hammersmith, where the London Philharmonic Orchestra were playing… and what were they playing? Pokemon!

It was incredible - they played music from all of the games, telling the stories of the games throughout, and showing a lot of the game footage on their screen. It was incredibly nostalgic, amazingly well done, and even if you aren’t a fan of Pokemon, the Philharmonic are obviously incredible, and so the music was flawless. 

I couldn’t have asked for a better (or geekier) birthday. Thank you James. 

On the 23rd, Hong Kong Drinking Team had been asked to headline the ‘best of the year’ show in the Facebar, and so I went along - and they didn’t disappoint. While most of the acts were heavy, James and his band dressed up as Christmas characters (James: Santa; Jack: Jesus; Dave: sexy Christmas pudding,#; Luke: Bongle the Bear from Rainbow (he thought it was a reindeer in the fancy dress shop); and Charlie: sexy elf). And boy, was Charlie a sexy elf. They did Santa Baby and Charlie was especially camp. My favourite gig of theirs for the whole year!

Christmas was incredibly special this year, as for the first time James and I didn’t have to balance our days - we were just together. As cheesy as it sounds, it was magical! 

For Christmas Eve, we went to a onesie party up a the Squirrels to see in the big day.

Christmas Day saw us opening our stockings together, and then going to the Squirrels for Christmas drinks. 

Afterwards we had a lovely Christmas dinner with the Skinners and a chilled out evening.

On Boxing Day, after seeing my Mum and Amelia, James and I had my dad and Harriet over, as my dad hasn’t had a family Christmas in a few years. It was great - we played Cards Against Humanity (which my dad loved!), I cooked, and James’ parents came over late afternoon.

The last few days of the year were just as exciting. On the 30th, it was the Squirrels’ landlady’s birthday, and so we had an 80s night up the pub!

James also met Jess’ South African boyfriend Adrian, and now I’m worried about us staying together… they have a proper bromance going on!

Seeing in the New Year was just as great, with karaoke, dancing, and lots of booze. 

And lastly, as I put on a bit of weight travelling and got out of my fitness regime, I took up running this year rather than paying for the gym. It’s amazing how much more you want to exercise when you don’t have to travel as well! I smashed my distance goal for the year, and running has now become part of my lifestyle as well as an easy way to keep healthy. 

Thank you 2016, it’s been an incredible year. Here’s to the next - the first one of me being a ‘proper’ adult, responsible for a home. Gulp.