#just leave me alone i am honestly in a good place rn there's no need to feel bad oH MY GOD brain please

[greenfiredragonfly]

*beating depression back with a stick again*

[formulawonu]

hello !! i like your writing sooo much <3 may i request how seventeen would be when they have a crush on you? tyvm ^____^

seventeen & crushes

a/n: hi!!! thank u so much for ur kind words!! im back i missed u tumblr world. i miss svt so much. sorry this was a lil too long :”) alexa play crush by seventeen rn

seungcheol: plsss HE WOULD ABSOLUTELY MELT EVERY. TIME. SOMETHING CUTE HAPPENS BETWEEN U BOTH 😭 and his crush would be seen in the tiniest of details. like if cheol knew he was going to see u or ~potentially~ bump into u he would make sure to wear more of his cologne that u once said smelled really good. he wouldnt tell anyone but he would spend a lil longer getting ready to make sure he looked good if he sees u. practices what he could talk to u about. but in front of u he would be so nonchalant 🥱 fml it’d be like “oh? y/n ur here?” HE KNEW U WERE COMING THATS WHY HE CAME GET OUT CHEOL

jeonghan: no bec hannie would be so cute :/ like he’d affectionately annoy u throughout the day because he just loves having u part of his day. he just loves talking to u. specifically you. it makes him happy and giddy. and he doesn’t think much of it until someone else (read as: shua and seungkwan) brings it up dshjfdf “so jeonghan ur lil crush on y/n is cute” “what ?” then he proceeds to think abt it and its a lightbulb moment and then he gets kinda cute and shy around u and ur like “jeonghan whats wrong with you u havent said anything weird these past few days its getting weird” he just starts giggling around u shut up 😭 then masks it by saying smth like “so you DO like it when i annoy u 😏 my masterplan is working” ok gaslighter

joshua: SWEETEST. GUY. EVER. like i think shua is the type to regularly check on you throughout the day or leave u good morning texts idek 😭 like he’d say he hopes u have a good day and then lets u know he’s free to talk at night if u wanna talk abt how ur day went haha just in case haha but its no biggie if you cant haha (he’s really overthinking this is he being too pushy????) and i think he’d realize pretty quickly he has a crush on you when he notices he likes being near u when u guys are in the same place and he’d be like huh this is happening! but who wouldn’t like them! would continue being the sweet guy he is and hopes for the best 🤞

junhui: noooooo my sweet junhui 😭 he would really remember every single thing you tell him. you have a test on this day? he’s wishing you good luck first thing in the morning or buying you breakfast/coffee before it because u can’t take a test on an empty stomach! you have a job interview or an event? he’s helping you get ready for it and practicing whatever could happen to help you prepare. u like this specific snack and he’s going to be seeing u soon? takes a pic of it to send to u then buys it so he can give it to u. he’s such a selfless and caring guy by nature and all he wants is to be there for you in any way he can. IM ACTUALLY GONNA CRY LIKE we all see how caring he is towards the other members can u imagine being on the receiving end of his affection

hoshi: this could really go two ways honestly lmfao he is either EXTREMELY distant from u because he thinks anything else would make his crush on u waaaay too obvious and he needs to be the cool guy!!!!! and he can’t do that if he cant get his damn heart to calm down every single time ur around!!!! or he could literally be everywhere u are 🤣 its like fuck the cool guy look i like her what can i do ??? like u show up to a party and suddenly ur like omg soonyoung ur here. “yea u said u were going so here i am!” or u tell him ur alone studying at a cafe and he shows up bec he “didnt want u to be lonely” 😭 honestly he has the best intentions he just wants to be there for u bec it makes him happy and hopefully it makes u too :””) grrrrrr

wonwoo: this one kills me because he’d REALLY REALLY try 😭😭😭 and i don’t mean this in a tries to be someone they are not kind of thing but he’d make so much effort to connect with u ://// like whenever he sees u he’d find ways to talk to you even if it’s the awkward “hey how are you” “i’m doing good! how are you” “i’m doing good too (◠﹏◠)” then hes internally panicking scrambling running around his head trying to think of what else he can say so the conversation doesn’t end and he ends up talking/asking about the randomest shit like so do you come here often NO WONU Y/N DOESNT THIS IS YOUR BEST FRIEND’S HOUSE PARTY YOU KNOW THEY HAVE NEVER BEEN HERE my god he’s so precious please take care of him please take care of his heart please love me back wonu *cue seungkwan imitating his laugh*

woozi: i almost teared up thinking about jihoon having a crush on u. my god like on the outside he’d be nearly the same he always is but those that know abt it see that his gaze flits ever so often to where you are when you’re around. just to make sure you’re okay. just to make sure you’re having a good time. just to see u smile bec that alone makes his day :/ PLZZZZ and every time u talk to him his heart flutters a lil quicker his smile is a lil bigger and the crinkles by his eyes come out a lil more. if ur someone close to him and u visit him in his studio regularly but u somehow stop visiting bc ur getting a lil busier these days he’d shoot u a quick text and be like why havent u been annoying me in the studio recently (thats code for: i miss you. i wanna see you. is everything all good with you?) KMN!!!!!

minghao: i think he’d be very honest w himself about it. like it’s just a crush it happens. these are minghao’s present feelings and he accepts them as they come ! my mature guy. he doesn’t try to force anything because he wants everything to just happen naturally!!!! ofc he makes it a point to say hello to you first whenever you come around and he makes sure to send u the name of that book he told u about and he could come with you to go get a copy if you’d like :”) ofc he thinks about u and how ur doing more often than he realizes. he just… he just loves the feeling of having a crush on you. it’s so exciting and new and the premise of being able to get to know you more and the potential things you guys could bond over is something so splendid so personal so special to him plz crush him back

mingyu: I DONT WANNA THINK ABOUT THIS BECAUSE MINGYU WILL NEVER HAVE A CRUSH ON ME but he would be so silly so cute so overwhelmingly charming everytime u are around. we know how clumsy the guy is but he’s stumbling over his words cracking the lamest jokes to make u laugh casually putting his arm around you when you guys are walking to protect u (hes freaking out should he have done that????) LIKEEEEE HE’D BE SO CUTE IDK IF U SEE THE VISION BUT I SEE THE VISION 😭 but he’d also be so freaking cool that u would never even THINK that he has a crush on you. because he’s just that endearing. he’s offering to bring you places because he’ll be in the area (he’s actually coming from his place) he’s hugging you a lil longer goodbye he’s calling you at night just to hear your voice he’s sending you pics of himself to update u on what he’s doing he’s so dhkjdsfghskjgf just one chance mingyu

seokmin: byeeeeee this man is the opposite of discreet hdfgksjfhdg but its the cutest thing ever 😭 the moment he realizes he has a crush on u he suddenly gets all shy around you always just smiling at you finding ways to be closer to you like maybe sitting across you when ur out eating with friends because it’s not too close but not too far and he could still talk to you and see you :/ he’s blushing every time u compliment him on something idek he’d just be so cute and flustered all the time ahshadajdh fr after he makes a joke and you’re like “seokmin ur so funny” he’d be like “REALLY 🥹” proceeds to make the same joke in variations just to make u laugh more and bec he knows u find it funny so it’s fool-proof!!!!! he’s making u laugh it’s music to his ears!!!! but would 9/10 panic if he was ever left alone with u and he isn’t that close to you so all he does is smile at u until u ask him smth and he can breathe a lil more and relax into the convo

seungkwan: awww seungkwan would be so comfortable around u. so caring. he’d look after you and remind u every day to take ur vitamins! don’t forget to feed ur pet! make sure to leave by this time so u aren’t late! but he’d also treat you like his best friend. like i think he realizes he has a crush on u while u guys are bickering over smth so stupid and he’s like wow i don’t think i would ever want to bicker abt something this stupid with anyone else :”””) hahahakillmenowhahahaha and he’d always be attached to ur hip when u guys are out like he’s just always looking out for you and is so carefree whenever ur there so it’s such a refreshing feeling for him to have someone like that in his life pls care for him back ;/ pls look out for him too bec thats the only thing he wants to do for you!!!!

vernon: mans is absolutely SHOCKED. FLOORED. like?????? he didn’t know he had time to have a crush?????? when did this happen?????? but then after thinking abt it for a while he’s like hm yea that does check out 🤣 tbh i think he doesn’t change how he is with you at all. it’s a crush he’s not in grade school anymore ! but alas it manifests itself in his life in different ways. suddenly he has to make sure you taste this amazing dish he had. he has to make sure u check out this dope song he found. have you even watched the world’s funniest movie (to him)??? there’s so much of the important and special things in his life he suddenly wants to share with you and he just cares so much about what you think and your opinion of things bec you’re so cool and he’s so curious about who you are and boom there you go mr chwe you DO have a crush so what!

dino: djhfgmhdgmf CAN LEE CHAN CUT IT OUT HE ISN’T GETTING MARRIED HE ISN’T IN LOVE ITS JUST A CRUSH GET UP!!!!!! this guy is literally overthinking everything. what should he do now ? does he confess ? are they the one ? 😭😭😭 slow down sailor u are simply fond of the person -__- he’s deep in thought and u have a member asking him whats wrong why is he so stressed and hes just like i just ruined everything my life is over i like y/n . BYE that shit spreads so fast whoever asked him is informing the gc and suddenly everyone is involved everyone is teasing him and he can’t do anything abt it because THEY ARE RIGHT HE’S A SUCKER FOR YOU 😭 would actually message u abt it and be like ahahaha hi how’s it going how’s your day been wanna hang out tomorrow miss you fml but he’s cute he’s boyfriend-coded just a lil lost at times but he means well 🤣

[beomglocks]

mtl in txt to be brat tamer💗

OK LETS GO,, *um this is extremely self indulgent bc i myself am a brat so i can see myself in these situations* I’m sorry in advance 

yeonjun

let’s just get this out the way, yeonjun is a brat tamer. no no he’s THE brat tamer. you may be asking yourself why but look at the way he treats beomgyu who is txt’s main culprit. he won’t take disrespect. absolutely no sucking of teeth, no rolling your eyes, and NO pouting. if you talk back well there goes your ass. spanking is main form of punishment, no further explainations. you need a safe word with him bc as soon as he feels like you’re being a little too bratty for it to be cute he’s like “cmon let’s go” you’re like 😒 but also kind of alarmed????? i feel like he can get really serious like he’s like “i said bring your ass here 🤨” you’re like no I’m not going to you leave me alone. DOES THAT THING WHERE HE POKES THE INSIDE OF HIS CHEEK W HIS TONGUE AND DOES A SARCASTIC CHUCKLE. will lean close to you a whisper “threats”” in your ear that have you squirming. yeah no, he will drag your ass to the bed and bend you over til you’re apologizing. honestly yall just like playing each others game.

taehyun

tbh i feel like he will tolerate it til it gets too much. he thinks you being a brat is cute like it’s endearing to him. he just looks at you fondly like “awww you’re so cute thinking you have all the control rn!! 🥰” tbh it’s just fun to rile him i feel like,, as soon as you talk back (which he hates) he’s like “what was that?” if you’re feeling extra bratty and you repeat it he’s like “yeah i thought so..what punishment will it be today” OMG taehyun is really the type to be oblivious as to why you’re acting so bratty it’s like he likes messing with you. phrases like “what’s gotten into you :(“ “why are you acting like such a brat” “you’re my good girl right? why are you acting out” but obviously you’re always like this he’s just having fun. 

honestly the others i cant see being brat tamers. soobin & kai will cave to anything and prob let you run rampid. like idk maybe soobin just a bit like theres moments where he would absolutely have to put you in your place but its not really his thing. being with sookai you are literally their little angel no matter if you are acting like the devil reincarnate. beomgyu is literally the brat, change my mind on this one. 

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

auggggggh ive been wanting to make this post for an eternity but i havent been able to because I keep trying to explain myself WELL guess what. Im giving up, heres the song Wenn ich tanzen will from Elisabeth: das Musical with english translations, does it not make you think of what if Feysand was interesting

If you dont wanna watch the whole thing for some reason, I'd like to highlight this part

Fly!

I'll fly alone!

I alone want to accompany you through night and storm

I don't want to be accompanied anymore

Not even by you — I won't let myself be led

You're free only through me

Only through me

Only for me

For me!

For you shall make the way for me

I'm going my own way now

I've seperated myself from you — Leave me alone!

You've fallen in love with me

Because there's no freedom without me

And no one can understand you except for me!

Oh and also this part (theyre kinda singing over each other at this point)

I'm strong enough on my own!

You were only strong as long as you still thought that you were weak

I'm not calling for you!

You will call for me!

I'm not seeking you out!

You will seek me out!

I'm beginning to love my life!

Soon you will hate it!

Okay, I actually lied at the start of this post, I am gonna try to explain myself. My ideal not-boring version of Feysand that I think of when I listen to this song is like. Okay so, the structure of the story is fundamentally the same (except it takes place over a wayyyy longer timespan) with Feyre initially just kinda going about her new life as a traumatized fae and Rhysand coming to pick her up once a month, which ends up helping her because the SC manorhouse is kind of just covered in a bunch of depressing ooze rn (figuratively) and she cant really leave and Rhysand is basically giving her an excuse to hang out in a place without ooze, so its easier for her to have a good time. Rhysand is kinda awkward around her initially because hes basically like "ohhhhhh shit oh fuck, the woman that I tortured UTM as a fucked up way of coping with what Amarantha was doing to is my soulmate!!" because i really hate the fact that Rhysand apparently already knew about her and dreamt about her before she was even fae, it shouldve snapped in place for both of them during that little scene at the end of ACOTAR but Feyre has no concept of how a mating bond is supposed to feel like so shes just kinda like "huh, that felt kinda weird. anyway"

(this inexplicably got very long. like, 6 more paragraphs long. so much for me not explaining myself)

So yeah, Rhysand is hardcore struggling trying to figure out how to win her over despite all of the torture, but fortunately for him all she wants is to be left alone, so he does that, no putting her in unecessary danger and no asking insane favors of her even though theyve only been hanging out for like two weeks. Idrk how, but at some point they would start to get closer, this all happens very slowly, its a true slow-burn. And then one day Tamlin is like "I cant stand it, I need to find a way to break this bargain" so he collects a bunch of guys and he tells Feyre that theyre gonna go out and travel through all of Prythian and maybe even beyond in order to find a way to do it and itll probably take them atleast a few months. And then when Feyre says she wants to come along because this is about her after all, hes like "no, its dangerous and also, if Im gone then the Spring Court is gonna needs its Lady" and then he puts the shield around the manor because yeah, Im keeping Tamlin shitty in this one, sorry. This is about me trying to make Feysand good but trying to figure that out with Tamlin being in-character is too complicated for me rn so Im just gonna stick to the character assassination (thats something SJM probably also said while writing ACOMAF)

So yeah, like in canon, Mor gets her outta there and then Feyre starts permanently staying the night court except shes not going out on political errands because of the war with Hybern because honestly, this whole war plot is so stupid and it feels so unecessary like cmon Sarah girlie, I can tell youre not actually interested in writing politics, just stick to the romance and the healing journey. Anyway, during her stay she inadvertantly starts spending more time with Rhysand and realizing that he suffered too and that hes only human or fae or something like that, which helps her deal with her UTM trauma because she kinda thought of him as the embodiment of all her new trauma, so seeing that hes really not that and that hes just a person that she can make peace with helps her

Rhys is falling head over heels for Feyre because she just reminds him SO much of Cassian while Feyre is kinda conflicted but starting to develop some affection for him, and again, this happens over the course of many many months instead of just two. And after all that time, Feyre is starting feel pretty good and she doesnt really wanna go back to the spring court if shes totally honest with herself and then oops, Tamlin's back! He finds her and hes super worried like "oh my cauldron, feyre, my servants told me he just kidnapped you and they couldnt find a way to free you!! but Im here now and Im taking you back home dont worry" and Feyre feels guilty and shes basically like "yeahhhhh this was totally necessary, I definitely wanna go back... home, its just that he exploited this loophole in the bargain so had to stay here. Totally against my will, oh no it was so bad" and Tamlin tells her not to worry, theyve found a way to break they just need to get back to the spring court so they do that

At the Spring Court, Feyre gets to thinking. She thinks shes basically completely defeated her trauma by hanging out with Rhysand and shes like "well, my trauma was pretty much the main thing that made mine and Tamlins relationship not work, so now that my trauma is gone its gonna be all smooth sailing from here" and she just willfully ignores the fact that his way of coping with his UTM trauma was suffocating her and making it impossible to deal with her own issues and when she pointed it out to him he had a panic attack about it. Also, at this point it kinda hits her that shes been spending all this time with Tamlins enemy and feeling this affection for him that she hasnt really felt for Tamlin ever since theyve been back from UTM and their relationship started getting really bad, so now she feels very guilty and wants to rush into a marriage with him after all. Also, maybe by this point shes revovered enough to take a step back and start focusing on her surroundings again instead of just herself, and she realises that the people of the Spring Court would really need this kind of big celebration after this long time of turmoil and suffering, so maybe that plays into her decision to marry Tamlin as well idk

Meanwhile, Rhysand is back at the night court absolutely CONVINCED that Feyre is gonna come back to him even without the bargain or atleast send him a message or something, because of the mating bond and because by this point he thinks that Feyre loves him back, she just hasnt said it because Tamlin interrupted them or whatever. Yknow, because Feyre stopped throwing shoes at him and started to tolerate his presence somewhat, which are obviously the surefire signs that someone is in love with you. But anyway, Feyre never does get back to him because shes busy with her wedding and also trying very hard not think about either Rhysand or Tamlin too much so she doesnt simply run out into the forest to avoid dealing with all this bullshit

So yeah, Rhysand finds out about Feyre marrying Tamlin and he gets very upset and so he winnows to the Spring Court on the day of the wedding. Feyre has just been dressed up in this gorgeous pastel pink and green pantssuit (thats very important for the story) and now Ianthe is leaving her alone for a bit before the grand wedding ceremony. At this point Rhysand comes in and they have a confrontation thats basically just the song except in dialogue-form, remember when this post was about a song I really like, yeah me neither. During this confrontation I really want Rhysand to bring up the mating bond and kinda throw it in her face and I want Feyre to basically respond "oh, so now the guy who always preached about giving me choices and not letting others decide for me is gonna get on my case for not doing what some god wants from me, gtfo" and thats basically how it ends. Then the next book is the book where Feyre hay to make the choice between Tamlin and Rhysand because its a romance series at the end of the day, so even though I would like the last book to just be Feyre ending up single and going on her own adventures, I recognize that thats not a great ending for a romance series so

I wanna end this off by saying that I was trying to only focus on the romance for this because its easier, if I were to write my ideal acotar sequel it would look different than this even if I used the original acomaf as a base. So yeah, thats it hope you enjoyed my 7am ramblings, I have been awake for three hours already writing this

[taegularities]

RID MY LIL LIL HONEY BUNCH AND SUGAR CRUSH LOL THATS SOUNDS CHEESY HAHA 🫣 Anyways i just wanted to ask about your current favs like songs or movies ...i have jamming a lot of songs lately and it seems to put me in a good mood. i have been stressed alot cuz i am leaving my family and shifting to a new place , going to have my own apartment and all ..i would be lying if i say it doesnot feel refreshing and i aint excited but i have never been away my family for more than 3 days so it is kinda scary for me ..i dont mind being alone but it feels surreal yk like i feel like i am still that little girl who promised her dad that one day she will make him proud and become an independent woman that noone believed she would 😭 i am spending alot of time with my family these days , playing games with my brother ,horror movie marathons with my dad , cooking and helping mamma in the kitchen ..i wanna have a bunch of memories so that gnawing and homesick feeling fades away cuz i wont be able to meet them much 🙂(probably once or twice a year) ..I need lots of blessing guys cuz this community here is my safeplace aside from my parents so wish me luck and lets continue to support each other through posts as much as we can who knows maybe we can give someone courage to express themselves by sharing our parts 😊❤️❤️❤️

HI MY LOVELY !!!! oh my gosh, those are huge changes you'll be navigating through, but i'm so proud of you for making all those decisions. it'll be hard for a while, but it'll get better for sure, good luck bby 🥺

i haven't been watching or discovering much since life is Busy with a capital B lmao but honestly, just go and listen to fujii kaze's, hozier's and chase atlantic's entire discography !! and oh my god, call me lame or whutevs, but i have been blasting the atla soundtrack these days, it's so... relaxing lmao 💀 hope those can put you in a Mood hehe

and oh my gosh, yes !! it's a safe space for sure and i'm glad you perceive it as such, too. courage, love and support to everyone !! power through whatever's stressing you rn and i promise it shall be worth the trouble 🤍

[marblesouled]

tbh i still don't know. i do feel i'm losing my mind and life rn, one way or other. and it's really awful in a sense i don't know what or who to believe. i'm so easily influenced and obviously can't think clearly, because i'm out of it. my mind has taken me captive and the schizo there is giving out orders.

i both love and hate my new friend. some things he does and says bug me and i start to wonder if i'm doing the right thing by letting him influence me so strongly. because he really is a strong character whose word is truth. i'm more used to milder souls like my dear crush who take me the way i am and don't try to change me. but maybe i need to change? it's a super complicated situation for me and i'm scared of being broken by it all in the end. should i follow another crazy person? won't that dangerous mixture cause only more madness and chaos? why is madness's allure always so siren-like for me that i follow blindly leaving my past principles behind? i mean, it's fun to whirl with the thunder cloud, but you might get scorched by the lightning.

like yesterday, at first it seemed he was very compassionate towards my situation and told he really felt for me in my hour of trouble. but then the next moment he was telling me to go to work and start waking up with an alarm clock. when i had just told him i was getting insufficient sleep and i have very little energy to do anything at all, let alone think about such a thing as going to work. but he keeps pushing me to do stuff all the time for progress and checks up on me to confirm i've done these things or he gets angry. like last night he told me to train on my exercise bike every day and send him the time. this really irks me. like this constant mind control. i'm not sure i know who i am anymore or maybe i really have been one lazy piece of shit who needs to get better at every aspect of my life that has been ruled by my mental state. maybe i do need to control myself, be a normal person like everyone else. have i been using my depression and anxiety as an excuse? i really don't know anything and my mind is fucked!!

and it feels awful even complaining about it, because i feel he has helped me and we've made so many plans for future activities, like getting tattoos together! but honestly, his intensity and angriness frightens me sometimes. still, it really has been fun to do stuff with a person who is brave and willing to try everything. it's given me so much hope for the future, because i know noone else in my life who is like that. last night really was great! but it breaks my heart to think maybe my so-called social progress could be mere mania instead. then i'd be lost again and left depressed. is it my curse?? the schizoaffective disorder i'm suffering from? and am i really such a stupid hopeless case who could only cope with meds? because atm i still wish to continue tapering.

like i know if i told my sister everything about him, she would tell me immediately not to communicate with him any longer to protect myself. and that is also scary! i really don't know what to do, because everything is so fucked-up already. should i have believed him in the first place or stayed sceptical? i don't know what i believe in anymore and it hurts my poor brain. but i know when i meet up with him, i'm straight under his influence again and he'll continue to ask me for exercise and other proof. from a rational point of view, of course i realise it's a situation with blaring red flags, but then i think from the point of view of my madness and that this 'tough therapist/life coach' role he's taken is good for me, like he says. because we do to cool stuff and he makes me try things i've actually wanted to try, but haven't dared like asking a girl making firewood to let me saw a piece of wood last night. there's so much positivity and energy in him, he easily befriends strangers and knows how to converse with them. i really could learn from that. but... he has himself many times mentioned he's not right in the head and has been engaged in some dangerous behaviour i find a bit challenging to condone. or maybe i should just open my mind more? i freakin' don't know. i get a feeling my crush finds him too intense as well and now i'm sorry i invited him into our circle. will it all become a shit show? who or what should i trust in this? i certainly cannot lean on my mind.

[diorrings89]

𝐁𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟑 ೄྀ࿐ ˊˎ- (Part 1)

Hey guys! I am Mahi and welcome to my first blog. Today is the last day of 2022 and this season of our show will be over now. So, why not a 2022 wrap-up? I mean, Spotify does it, so why not me? So, here is my recap of the year. (This post has been inspired by an Instagram post by @inastudious on Ig)

So, we are going to: celebrate the past, set intentions for the next year and create new systems.

CELEBRATE THE PAST

What did I do this year that I am proud of? What did I learn? How I felt?

Level 1: What I did

Found the best of friends and teachers

I found the best of friends this year. My last year of high school and forever friends. I have to give them that they handled me at my absolute worst and still love me when I just burnt down their forest. I know what I did and how I am. So, for them, I am going to be better because they deserve the best. I love them so so much. They are people my 11-year-old had been dreaming to be friends with. Shout out to Tanisha, Vanshika, Charu, Yashaswini, Shreya D, Harshita, Nistha, Riya K, Riya M, and Priyanka. You guys are amazing and I hope we still meet up when we go to college. My teachers were downright amazing. Couldn't ask for more. I have never seen such dedication in anyone ever.

2. Hiking Trip

This year in June, I went on a hiking trip in the foggy hills of Nagaland, India. The most relaxing experience even though we walked for like 6 hours to reach our destination. We stayed in a small hotel. It was a totally different experience. In between, I felt like giving up, but then I did the whole trek just for 2 cups of noodles that we got at the hotel. It was quite wet there. I kept falling down. But it's okay. It was unique and something I will surely do again!!

3. Escape Room

So, on my birthday this year, I planned to do an escape room with my cousins. Honestly, never again. Not that it was bad or anything- I genuinely feel that I am not good at this kinda stuff. Like, I feel that if I'll be getting murdered, then I'll just cry. No kidding. I'll cry all the way until the murderer decides to leave me alone. By the way, most of the escape room was done by Shakul (the one on the left). Ananya (the one on the right) helped. I just tried to act like Sherlock. Making simple things complex. lol. Anyways, it was fun. And I am happy that I tried it.

Level 2: What I learnt

Honestly, I learnt a lot this year. This year was a learning year only. So, here are the top three things that I learnt.

1. Never date anyone from the same school

Yes. Never date any person who goes to the same school or any institution where you see each other's faces every day. I know, it's fun at first. But then, it gets awkward when you guys break up. So, like, not good.

2. Speak now and get over it

This year, I confessed to a guy. He said no. But yk what good for me. I moved on very quickly. Like, it took me one Taylor Swift song to get over him. So, it was really cool. Just say it man, and get over it.

3. Don't let internet influence you

The Internet is a fucked up place, man. Don't digest everything that you see. I mean, it influences our habits like anything. I would see pretty lip balms and I'll search for them on Amazon. Damn. I don't need lip balms rn, but this marketing makes me think that I need that particular lip balm. This is one example. There are many others.

Level 3: What I felt

This song was basically what I felt throughout the year (Thank you, Taylor Swift). I was happy and sad. I was happy that I found such good friends and experienced the best of memories. But I am kinda sad that this is ending. Well, that's how life works, ig.

[ohhoneato]

Why is it so expensive to live alone?

I'm just looking for a 1-2 bed 1 bath house, townhouse or trailer/manufactured house for less than $700 per month closer to a bigger town than where i am now. I live in one of the states with the cheapest cost of living and am not wanting to move out of state.

Seriously, I told my brother I was having trouble finding a place to live and he said to have a kid. 1st: it takes 2 to tango and I'm single as the one avocado we all inevitably leave to rot because we forgot about it. 2nd: I don't want kids to begin with.

I was just recommended the trailer/manufactured homes, but it's almost impossible to find good priced ones online in the area I want to be in.

Seriously though, the last place my brother had was $500 for 2 bed 2 bath. They have a 3 bed 2 bath rn and if they didn't have their house where they didn't have to pay, cause they have 2 kids and unstable working conditions, they'd only be paying $600. In a different state than the first one, they went to Louisiana back to Texas. Only issue is, I don't want to live in the town they live in. Working Uber requires me to be in bigger cities and towns, closest one is Tyler or Fort Worth is also a good place to drive (not Dallas, Dallas sucks ass, just like Houston). So I'm looking near and around there. But everything is so fucking expensive, my full time job is Uber and I can barely even afford a garage unit that they didn't disclose was a garage unit in 2 other family's backyard. It was $775 per month. I can't afford that, not if I want to eat and rest once in a while.

And my deadline was the end of this month, but my earnings have been shit because things literally just keep happening to stop me from being able to go out, like I can't drive if it's flooding on the roads. But I was able to extend that deadline by a month by asking my parents if I can live with them again for a month then go from there while I look.

And the place needs to have at least a stove and a fridge in it, hopefully include water and trash in the rent, I'm not looking for anything fancy, but I do need room to move around in the kitchen.

AND ABSOLUTELY NO APARTMENTS, I WON'T DO THAT AGAIN.

If it helps, I made a max of $4000 a month and a minimum of $3000 a month. I'm honestly just a shit spending that doesn't know how to make herself budget. I have a $480 car payment every month (that I'm behind on, so a credit check won't be horrible, but it won't be great) and I've just left an apartment high and dry during the beginning of Covid. Never been evicted, but I've never had my name on any but one of the leases I've lived at. And that was the one we left, because they wouldn't work with us.

I'm being honest so people might be able to actually help me.

[chaoticcutiewhirl]

Coming from Twitter, speaking of Vent posts that will likely fall into obscurity as I reblog a ton of shit to bury it:

I hate being around my blood, I am at the point where I can't even call them family, they are more or less just people who I am related too and live with, they all just in their own ways make me angry and have their own aspects that each makes me not want to be around them.

My mother is someone who will talk without having much in the way of emotional disonance, she knows it can be burdensome and honestly she is not as bad as others but can be quite... a lot. Her health is bad and she kinda refuses to do much else besides listen to her doctor who is one of those kinds of doctors who wouldn't be helping you much due to the idea that they give the vibe of being the smartest in the room. Besides that factor she is someone who also is a perfectionist, if a single aspect is out of line or has the potential to go wrong, she will star worrying, and that is the reason why I don't come out in being myself, as Avarstia. I feel she would accept me but given how she is, it would likely worsen her health and give her a heart attack.

In contrast my Dad, he has shown when alone he is misogynistic and often someone who is stubborn and insistent on ideas, he is someone who wants things to go his way and he won't get mad if they don't just he will be very... beating around the bush about it. I may be a snake, but he would be in a fable sense, a trickster of sorts, not with the best intentions all the time and mostly wants to exist, and honestly it both feels like I know a lot about him and don't for the fact that I don't know if what i know about him is true, which gives me more anxiety on coming out than others, especially since I have plans for if I were to be kicked out but I feel its plausible from him.

And then you get the one who I worry about most, my sister. She is willing to pry where she is not wanted, she is someone who will try and get involved when she is not wanted, she will try to be the smartest in the room and just try to act like she is the most important person needed in every situation. She acts like she will be the one to solve every problem in the house, she acts like she will be my way out when she is the person who I honestly do not want to live with most. When she doesn't get her way she will belittle and try and break you down once she has familiarity with you and honestly that gets me into another thing:

With the factor that I do not want to live with these people that brings me to the mental turmoil I have been having: After basically a decade and a half of suppressing my emotions for a semblance of safety, I met one of my best friends in the whole wide world and now its hard to hide my genuine emotions and due to that other things are coming about. Some form of derealization or psychosis seems to be setting in because of all of this, its hard to handle myself in this place and I need to leave but I have no where to go yet and I atleast need diagnosis for my lung issues first so I can escape and give a more physical health reason to employers as to why i am sick for basically half the year. And hell the derealization aspect may be more as my brain is basically me hiding under my hot rock as an intense storm is overhead, it feels like there is something beyond the hot rock and all I can do is bide my time, fearing of what is to come even though sometimes they are good vibes in the torrent. I don't know about all of this but I mainly want out... If you want more of an idea of that vent aspect, I made a one off post on my AO3

In other words, I am not in a good state at all rn and have been needing to vent or talk to someone in order to feel like I am able to stay sane atm hahahaaaaaa.

[pivotbitches]

I’ve had so much social anxiety since the funeral. I don’t feel like me anymore.

I did dance marathon this past weekend and almost immediately had an anxiety attack when I got to the gym. I had been dreading going the day before and that morning and but told myself that it was going to be so much more fun and the scenario I was making in my head wasn’t real. Then I got there and it was pretty much exactly like the scenario I made up. I felt so out of place, I was alone in a room full of people, I didn’t know what to do or what was going on. I spent a few minutes trying to find and figure out the schedule, because surely that would help but it wasn’t as structured as I thought it would be. I decided I’d go to the bag check but the walk from the main floor to the bottom floor was enough to put me into full panic. I ended up in a bathroom that was away from everyone and just cried and shook and breathed for a solid minute. I was trying to stay there until someone in my group got there so I ended up playing basketball ball for 10 minutes. But dance marathon took over that gym too so I just left and went to hangout with Casi at her house so that I wouldn’t be alone. A couple hours later I went back and ate lunch by myself and then found Natalie and her bf. It was still awkward but was better.

Yesterday, I went back to Casi’s house and watched baseball and some movies with her but then at the end when I was about to leave we started discussing (low key arguing) about minors (13-17) having access to social media and I ended up cutting it off because I was annoyed and felt like she didn’t understand me and then I was driving home and replaying it over and over and started to feel like she thinks I’m broken or something idk. Whatever it was struck a cord and made me want to cry and also made me angry.

I also feel like everything I say rn is bitchy or argumentative. It’s like every thought just comes out and immediately afterwards I’m kicking myself because it came out mean or snarky which wasn’t the intention. But can there be an intention when you just say the first thing in your mind?

Lastly, I feel so inferior. I feel like the “duff”. I stg every time I like someone they end up liking my friend and it makes me feel like shit. Like I’m not good enough and never will be. I like the guy in my lab and have even told my friends about it. Casi came into the lab to study and the three of us talked for a second in between some other conversations. Then this afternoon Jack and I were leaving at the same time and he asked about what she was studying and my heart sank. I know it could just be him making conversation, but she hadn’t been there for hours and he brought her up. It hurts. I also offered him a ride and he declined and that fucked me up a little too, bc if he liked me he would have accepted the invitation.

Now I’m home, and it hit me how empty I feel. And it’s not just emptiness, but it’s almost like I’m in this constant state of confusion (?) where I don’t know what I feel or why I feel like I do it’s weird. I don’t have a desire to do anything. I don’t want to talk to anyone. For the first time, I don’t want to go to therapy, but I know I need to because I am spiraling a little bit. I’m just honestly waiting for it to be dark out and a slightly more acceptable time so I can just go to sleep.

[ninja-knox-ur-sox-off]

You’d think I’d have less thoughts from this episode since it was not very plot heavy but i am not done bGKAMWOEF 

[Monkie kid season 3 episode 3 spoilers] 

Really thinking about Mk and Wukong’s dynamic in season 3 so far, as of episode 3 (rambling all this now cause i can’t watch 4 and 5 until later so getting this all out rn BGAKWEFMOW) 

The rest of the crew tolerate Wukong, at best. He’s not important to them in any way shape or form, aside from Tang who’s the fanboy but not totally personal invested in Wukong outside of his fantasy’s of being his BFF. 

But! 

He is important to Mk. And they know that. They see that. And they respect that, so they tolerate Wukong, even if they don’t really like him. 

Mei especially has no patience for his cryptic nonsense or the way it effects her best friend. 

Which, honestly, fair, he’s not communicating and letting Mk come to some conclusions that aren't true and leaning into the mysterious mentor trope he thinks he needs to be, which isn’t helpful to anyone. 

When it comes to the crew, Mk is almost... blocking Wukong from them during confrontation, often times quite literally placing himself between them 

Basically acting as a middle ground man and attempting to communicate or make excuses for Monkey King, which honestly, isn’t really healthy. It prevents Monkey King from having to face some consequences and doesn’t help him learn to communicate, and Mk falls into the roll of apologizing for other people a little two easily.  

And again, the crew tolerates this because they know how important Monkey King is to Mk. He really cares about him. Even though Monkey King basically dips again, without actually leaving, Mk cares and wants to make sure he’s part of the group and even comfortable 

Part of it comes from Mk’s need to please the people around him

and his desire for validation and to have his mentor/father figure tell him he did a good job 

Mk is very loyal and he’d do anything for the people he cares about. Even blame himself for their behaviour and try to change himself because he’ll rationalize until he’s convinced himself he’s the problem. 

But, that doesn’t mean he’s stupid. 

He sees 

However, he’s quick to forgive and quicker to excuse, and Monkey King tends to breeze over things because confrontation is BAD™ for him and he avoids it however he can, usually by dismissing it and bulldozing ahead with positive talk  and acting like things don’t get to him. Which just feeds into Mk’s rationalization more bgsalkemfwe 

MAN THEIR DIFFERENT TRAUMAS AND HABITS CLASH SO BADLY GOOD GRIEF 

ANYWAY, just thinking about Mk as the middle man in this situation and how long that’s gonna be able to last with how serious things are and how Wukong’s inability to communicate is gonna continue to effect the group and dig him into a deeper hole until Mk can’t give him any more excuses or defend him (or if he’d even want to) 

The day when Wukong looks to Mk to convince the others to get behind him and Mk looks away is gonna crush me if it ever comes (Wukong too probs haha*sobs*) 

*shakes the monkey* COMMUNICATE GOSH DANG YOU 

Thing is, he’s definitely trying to communicate but it obviously isn’t working very well. Just with what Mk said alone with the 

“He’s in no state to waste his time on mere mortals, especially since now I don’t have my powers” 

LIKE THAT? THAT SOUNDS BAD 

But the reality of the situation is that Mk doesn’t have his powers. He and Monkey King were the strongest players to keep them from getting wiped out during a boss fight, and now that they’re both out for the count they’re in a lot of danger. Wukong knows this. He knows they’re in danger and that their best bet right now is him. He can do boss fights, he did them back during the Journey all the time. It’s a very serious situation and he’s their best bet, the easily killed mortals are not. 

Say it out loud though and it sounds horrible. “I’m more important than you right now.” When in reality it’s closer to “if I don’t recharge you’re all going to die so I’ve gotta get to the point where i can protect you and that means focusing on myself for a while until i’m up to game” 

BUT OF COURSE HE DOESN'T’ SAY THAT, AND MK DOESN’T REALLY TAKE IT THAT WAY, NONE OF THEM DO 

*shakes the monkey* COMMUNICATE GOSH DANG YOU 

Anyway, I lost my train of thought, the monkey is stupid and communicates a lot like my mom does BG;ALJKWEMFO Mk’s not gonna be able to put himself between the monkey and his friends forever, and as much of a peacemaker as he’s trying to be, real communication is what’s gonna save them and if they can’t get to that point good luck my guy 

This all started from how i just noticed the way Mk stands between his friends and Monkey King when they start getting annoyed with him *WHEEZING* AIGHT HEADING OUT PEACE 

(I’m still not over how gently Mk put Monkey King down after carrying him out of the truck tho actually bG;JLKAEMFOW) 

[bubbleteaimagines]

i love your pretending to give the haikyuu boys head that genuinely made me smile 🥺 (if you're doing requests do you think you could do that with the aot boys if you haven't already? I know for sure porco would break)

Pretending to give the Attack on Titan Boys head prank

Attack on Titan Boys Headcanon

Warnings: NSFW Content

Authors Notes: Bdkalalal you’re absolutely right Porco would just stand there like 🧍🏻“You deadass rn?” He’d be so mad PLEASE

EREN JAEGER

He’s probably on his phone, watching TikTok too LMAO

You have headphones on tho and Erens just playing his shit out loud, so he doesn’t see you watching the prank

As soon as you see it, a grin forms on your face and you decided to try it

Dropping a random hair tie, you fall to your knees right in front of Eren’s dick

This mf is so cocky, immediately putting down his phone and chuckling

“You wanna suck me off, huh baby? Always trying to please me,” He smirks and you have to fight the urge to roll your eyes at him

“I’m just picking up a hair tie,” You tell him nonchalantly, rising again and grinning at Eren’s shocked face

“W-What?” You burst out laughing as his face completely falls, “So you’re not-”

“It’s a Tiktok prank, babe,” You tell him, “You of all people should have seen that coming. You’re literally on the app,”

Good luck LMAO now Eren’s all pouty and refusing to cuddle cause you’re quote on quote, “Mean to him.”

LEVI ACKERMAN

So Levi’s just chilling, doing some stuff for work when all of a sudden you come in when a sly idea

His biggest mistake was leaving you alone, bored and on TikTok cause suddenly you have a sly idea

Going into his office, you knock quietly before entering

“Do you need something?” He asks without even looking up, too focused

“Just this,” You give him an innocent look and then drop to your knees, crawling under his desk and blinking up at a shocked Levi

“What are you doing, brat? I’m working,” He tries to sound annoyed but you can tell he’s interested from the way he’s shifting closer to you

“What? I’m just grabbing my pen you stole from me,” You grumble suddenly, holding it up and smirking

Levi’s eyes narrow

“Oh really?” He knows for a fact that wasn’t what you were doing, and the feign innocence in your eyes proves it

“Yep. I’ll be going now- have fun~” You sing, but Levi stops you before you can leave

“I don’t think so,” He growls, the paperwork suddenly forgotten as he zeros in on you. “Get on the desk. It’s time I took a break, don’t you think?”

REINER BRAUN

Don’t do this man like that

Reiner is stressed as it is, and you know blowjobs are his absolute favorite

But let’s just say you’re evil like that and decide to try it one day

Reiner’s on the couch, just doing whatever Reiner does and suddenly he sees you come into the living room with a shy smile

He knows something is about to happen, as your phone is in your hand and he’s pretty sure you’ve been scrolling on TikTok for a while now

But still, even though he’s prepared when you lean down in front of his dick, he still freezes up

“Babe? What are you doing?” He tilts his head to the side as you give him an innocent smile

“Nothing. Just this,” As soon as you push your hair out of the way Reiner’s eyes are wide, staring at you like really? Now?

You blink innocently and bend a little further, placing your hand on his thigh for dramatic effect. But just when Reiner starts to relax, hands slowly snaking down to you, you bend a little further, pick up the remote, and get up

“Just thought we could watch a movie together,” You tell him, trying to stifle your laughter at his shocked expression

“Okay,” Reiner blows out a breath, and he really is a trooper bc even tho he’s lowkey disappointed he won’t bug you

However, you start to feel bad the more he actually goes along with it, watching the movie you picked with no complaints, only shifting a little here and there

Halfway through, you can tell he’s still horny so you sigh and decide to give him the real thing this time

“Oh? I thought it was a joke,” He chuckles as you get on your knees and tug on his sweats

“Yeah but I felt bad. You’re patient even when you’re horny- it’s not fair,” You pout, knowing you’d never have the restraint that Reiner has

“Well if you insist...”

PORCO GALLIARD

The minute you do this prank be prepared for Porco to simply just pass away ™️

If he sees you getting on your knees he’s automatically excited, dropping whatever he was doing and immediately going to grip your hair

You can feel his fingers tugging on your locs and honestly, it’s kinda hard to continue cause this man is literally pulling you towards his dick 😂

But let’s just say somehow you manage to wiggle free and tell him that you were just reaching for something you dropped

Oh

OH

His smug smirk literally just melts away and his jaw drops, not believing what he was hearing

“You mean you’re not sucking my dick?”

“What? No Pock I’m not.”

“But...why?”

PLEASE this man is so bold he’ll try to put you on your knees again but you run away, laughing

“Porco I said you’re not getting head why did you even think that?”

Please he’s so mad

Like...you really just played him like that

He’s like that, “Fine then good luck ever getting your pussy ate again,” and now you’re the one changing your tune cause he’s being straight up petty rn

ZEKE JAEGER

If you try this on him...good luck lmao. You clearly don’t value your walking abilities

Zeke is eyeing your ass the minute you come outside, where he’s smoking on the porch

Quite honestly you’re nervous cause there’s no telling how this man is gonna react, but you decide to try it cause the views am I right?

Anyways, the minute you get on your knees and look up at him Zeke is sitting up straight, smoke lightly hitting your face as he looks down at you

“You trying to start something?” He asks, raising his eyebrows and you gulp as you lean down, eyes flickering to the object under his chair, “Out here?”

“N-No,” You shake your head and then reach out to retrieve your shoes, glancing back up at him, “I left my slides out here. I’m about to go to the store, you want anything?”

It’s dead silent for moment as Zeke catches sight of your camera, everything suddenly clicking in his mind. Slowly, he stares at you saying nothing as finishes his cigarette, and then he stomps it out, rising from his chair

“Zeke...?”

“Come on,” He says suddenly, walking over to where your phone was and grabbing it. You gulp as his face appears in the camera, eyes rolling as he shuts it off and then pockets it. “Take them shoes off. You ain’t going to the store. There’s something you need to do first.”

“Oh shit,” You swallow thickly as realization begins to set in

“Oh shit is right,” He chuckles, “Next time, think twice about trying out one of your little pranks on me. Don’t let TikTok be reason you can’t walk the next morning.”

Masterlist

[alycosworld]

guess who🤡 heyhey 💕 here. I’m pretty sure by this 2nd request u can tell that I’m a very emotional person🧍🏻‍♀️ and that I’m a person that seeks alot of comfort from fictional characters because i dont have a life and good friends.

➽───────────────❥

putting a divider here so u dont have to read everything and can look out for keywords!

purple—> person

pink—>genre

green—>subject

➽───────────────❥

I’m not sure if u r comfy writing kazuha so if yr not I’m sorry u can ignore this! i just want a fluff comfort for reader who got like REALLY scolded for getting bad grades for exams because u have no idea how angsty I’m feeling rn:( my parents just literally like scolded me like there was no tmr istg- so i just need really fluff comfort. so a kazuha x NB(non bibary)!reader

➽───────────────❥

Anyways again tysm u have no idea how grateful i am if you accept my request!!!<3 get lots of rest and drink water. only do this if you want to!

byebye<3

-💕

Kazuha's Wise and Whimsical Words

Kaedehara Kazuha X Reader

A/N: aaaa 💕anon ily!! being emotional is completely fine and I would be honoured to become of your good friends!! I will be a part of your life, private message me if you're ever feeling down! I just want my readers happy because they make me happy aaaaaa 🥺

with that being said, i love this request! My parents were so hard on me when it came to exams, but as soon as I broke away from their expectations, I started to appreciate my grades more. I'll leave the real comforting words for Kazuha to say but NO ONE SHOULD EVER be disappointed in yourself if you tried your best. Thank you for your support and the request, I hope the story makes you feel better. Enjoy!

ps: I took into account the fact that not everyone has a mother and a father and not everyone has two parents at all, so only one parent is mentioned here and they are left gender neutral so it's easier to picture yourself in the story.

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈❀┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

"(Y/N). This is not at all what I expected. What happened to you?" Your parent asked sternly.

"Well, I--"

"I don't want to hear any excuses. Your predicted grades were much higher than this!" They said, raising their voice.

"I'm sorry, I--"

"Sorry is not going to improve your results! Do you really think that now is a good time to be slacking off? You have one more exam period before university. I don't care if you pass those exams, I want you to excel. And if you don't, you are not attending Sumeru Academia, whether they accept you or not. I am not paying for you to study overseas, only for you to get mediocre grades." They said, making you even more anxious than before the exam.

"But I got above the average!"

"By two percent! And the average was low." Your parent said, narrowing their eyes slightly and upsetting you with their belittling gaze.

"Realistically--"

"Realistically? Realistically?! If you want to study realistically, you should find someone else to pay for your education. When you want to study successfully, you can come back." They slammed the stack of sheets that displayed your results on the table with a loud bang before folding their arms as you grabbed a jacket and stormed out of the house, tears running down your face.

You walked for a while in the night, before eventually finding yourself in an area you were less familiar with. After recognising it to be somewhere near your boyfriend's current residence off Beidou's ship, you made a beeline for his place, knocking on the door and hoping, praying he would be alone inside.

The door soon opened and Kazuha stood there, initially with a smile on his face but it soon dropped when he saw your expression.

"(Y/N)? What happened?" He asked.

"C-can I come inside?" You sniffled.

"Of course, Love. Come in." He said, ushering you into his quaint little place. You stood by the door that closed behind you before Kazuha pushed the coat you had lazily draped over your shoulder onto the floor and enveloped you in his arms.

You broke down in his embrace. You had done better than most of your fellow students, and frankly, you were kind of proud of your result. But it was foolish of you to think that your parent would accept anything but perfection. They said it was all for you, but you were doubting it. Did you even want to go to Sumeru Academia? You had had your heart set on it since you were a child, but maybe that was only because your folks always envisioned you going there.

"Why are you crying, my love?" Kazuha asked, sitting you down near the fire to warm you up and standing up to get you a blanket and a hot cup of tea.

"I'm not good enough." You mumbled. If it was anyone else, they wouldn't have heard you. But your boyfriend could listen to the wind "talk" - he was very attuned to quiet and subtle noises.

"Nonsense." He smiled, bringing you the blanket as you listened to the water boil in the background.

"You're more than good enough. Everyone who knows you adores you - no one more than me, of course." Kazuha chuckled, eventually setting down two cups of tea and sitting in front of you on the floor.

"Public opinion won't improve my grades." You said, now more stoic than upset. You had almost become numb and desensitised to degrading comments that after you cried a little and calmed down, you'd be straight-faced and almost emotionless. It didn't feel good, but it was certainly better than feeling bad.

"So this is about school." Kazuha nodded, gesturing for you to continue explaining why had happened.

"They keep talking about my grades. They said I shouldn't be slacking and that I'm not going to get to Sumeru Academia and that they want me to do better...maybe I'm interpreting it wrong. Maybe they're trying to encourage me?" You wondered aloud, thinking that somehow you were the problem. As soon as you said "they", Kazuha knew who you are referring to and sighed.

"Encouragement and doubt are two very different things. Unrealistic expectations, detrimental practices, emotionally, mentally or physically taxing improvement - none of that is going to help you. In fact, it'll make you feel worse. When you really think about what you have to do to achieve perfection, you'll only realise how unattainable it is. You'll fall into a perpetual spiral of intellectual destruction." Kazuha said.

"Then how the hell am I gonna get the best results?" You asked worriedly.

"You won't. No one will ever get the best results because more people and more previously unforeseen factors will come into play. What you can achieve is your best results. Your grades are a product of you, not the other way around. They are no measure of your worth, they cannot define you, and they do not have to be a part of you. If you don't ace one subject, you don't have to hang on to that or turn it into some strange part of you. You can't cling to it, it's impossible to cling to a piece of the past forever. That's not to say you don't learn from it, but it doesn't need to become some villainous trait - in the end, it is only a grade." Kazuha shield at you. His words warmed your heart more than the fire or tea, and they even seemed to dry your tears and allow you to mirror his expression.

"And at the very least, you can hold your head high knowing that you had the strength to participate in an exam when not everyone does. You went in, sat through it, attempted the questions and walked out. Not everyone has the courage to stay; some don't even have the courage to start. That goes for any endeavour you face." Kazuha said, before inching closer to you.

"Feeling any better?" He asked. You nodded instantly. Of course, Kazuha's wise and whimsical words had bettered your mood, it was Kazuha for Archon's sake.

"Good. Maybe we could go for an evening stroll? I'll treat you to dinner if you haven't eaten." He offered.

"Can...can we just stay like this for a little longer? I think being alone with you is nicer." You smiled.

"Of course, Angel. Anything you want."

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈❀┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

this was less physical fluff than I intended, but I think I do comfort with direct words and dialogue best, so I hope this is okay. honestly, everything kasha said is what I would've wished to hear when I was in this situation. I'll probably post a rant about my own exam experiences because this request got all my past feelings to resurface.

thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed!

[karasunology]

❝ AM I YOUR LOCKSCREEN? ❞ ❝ YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE THAT. ❞ with KUROO TETSUROU !

How about “Am I your lockscreen?” “You weren’t supposed to see that.” kuroo getting caught by his crush who's also his best friend HAHAH

❝ ― submitted by @ nonnie <3 ❞

-ˏˋ ➶ character(s) ━ kuroo tetsurou <3

[ trigger warnings ━ crackhead jae in the house writing at 3 am😔✋ ]

-ˏˋ ✉️ REQUESTS ARE ALWAYS OPEN.

⇣ please read the RULES before requesting.

✎ . . . request a prompt from this prompt list and i'll answer 'em !

KUROO TETSUROU.

➜ having a phat juicy crush😋 on kuroo was hard for you

➜ not only has it been going for awhile now, but it has also developed through the mid stages of your friendship

➜ but like ,,, who wouldn't lmao

➜ kuroo is literally such a good friend and somewhat flirty & affectionate to the point that the line between best friends and lovers was just a blur

➜ he would carry your bag for you, help you with your failing grades, reason #2525 why you don't got a significant other😔✋ a thread by jae, & even introduced kenma to you which actually seemed to enjoy your company even if it may not seem like it

➜ he cares a lot about you and does not hesitate to show it, but the problem being was that you didn't know what his intentions were

➜ were they friend based? or perhaps he had other intentions?

➜ these stupid questions that SHOULDN'T even be on your mind, raced along the folds of your brain as all that you could think about was kuroo

➜ and it pushed you in the brink of insanity

➜ and whenever you would hang out alone with kenma, either talking his ears out as if you were a podcast, while playing from his psp, and kuroo would walk in ─ kenma being the observant guy he was, noticed the change of your behaviour

➜ as he noticed that you would prefer hanging out with him alone now rather than with both him and kuroo

➜ being the good best friend he is, and being too tired of this bs and just DATE ALREADY FFS, he arranged a plan of getting you two to atleast be in the same room as each other

➜ and it didn't even take him a hot minute to think of it since bb boy was just too big brain energy and ugh

➜ the power he holds😍

➜ you : i'm so tired of this

➜ kenma : imagine how tired we are? imagine how tired we are of this

➜ the three of you were set to go out for shopping but kuroo and and you knew how kenma was kinda bad with crows so you guys separately offered to go with him not knowing the other was coming

➜ but it was only then when you arrived at a house and being welcomed by the sight of kuroo in casual wear and not of the sounds of kenma's game boy made you rethink all your life decision

➜ you : waIT A MINUTE, WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE

➜ but then a storm said aight imma head in and you didn't have any choice but to accept kuroo's offer of you staying in his house until storm calms down

➜ ugh honestly, kenma + mother nature = matchmaker duo that nobody asked for but needed✋😔😩

➜ there was a weird stuffy and somewhat awkward atmosphere between you two & kuroo was aware of it

➜ you guys watched netflix but didn't chill😔👊

➜ we'll get em next time boys

➜ but doing these made you feel at ease, as you could FEEL the vibrations of kuroo's laugh whenever you would jump on a scene while you unknowingly scooted closer to him

➜ and of course kuroo being kuroo, he never lets this chance of teasing you escape from the window

➜ nosirrr

“ not gonna lie, you could have just said you wanted to get a bit closer to me and i wouldn't reject the idea of cou ─ ” you punched him as he shrieked in pain

➜ everything was going well and UGH i could even go as far as saying that you were cuddling, intentionally or not

➜ sadly, the storm decided it was enough fun for now and ceased, and now after hanging around with kuroo normally for the first time, you didn't wanna leave

➜ but of course you had no reason to stay

➜ as you walked to his front door ready to leave, you remembered you had forgotten your phone on his bed as he quickly went back for it

➜ while looking for your phone as he called it using his, he saw it under the overs. pulling it out to slide on the [ decline ] button, his face was met with a picture of both him and you, but of course all that he could see was him

➜ blinking, he closed the phone before opening it again, making sure that it wasn't just him seeing things

➜ and when it confirmed that he wasn't dreaming, he cover his face with the palm of his hand, burrying it there as he silently screeched with all his might not to come all undone with just that

➜ THIS BOY MAY SEEM LIKE A TOUGH HUGE DOM GUY THAT'S NOT AFRAID TO PUT YOU IN YOUR PLACE, but honestly mans is just a softie for you and is a huge dork don't @ me

➜ running down the stairs as fast as he could with a grin, he handed it back to you, but before you could thank him he spoke first

“ am i your lockscreen? ” his grin widened as he could see a blush tinting on your cheeks while you simultaneously averted your eye contact with him

➜ because suddenly, the most interesting thing as of rn was the wall

“ you're not supposed to see that. ”

➜ you regretted saying it once you saw the shit-eating grin yet bashful expression tugged on kuroo's face

“ uh anyays let me just go now um ─ ”

➜ you went outside his house as you strongly pull the front door shut on the way out, leaving kuroo in a lovesick haze as he grinned all the way back to his room dancing along the halls to a non-existent music, making sure to thank kenma

➜ because you bet that he was going to ask you about it the next day

[dreamypeaches]

rating things my bf has said during secks | rafe cameron x reader

summary: you jump on the tik tok trend of rating things your boyfriend, rafe cameron, has said to you in bed

warnings: SMUT, cursing, seriously this is disgusting. im going to hell

word count: 1.6k

a/n: oh boy folks. this one is literally...so filthy i can’t even breath right now. please enjoy. 

pope jj kie sarah topper kelce

“Don’t hold back, baby.”

10/10

-I didn’t

-he loves to hear me scream

Face buried in a pillow, wrists pulled behind your back and trapped in Rafe’s tight grip, he plowed into you from behind. You’d missed Rafe’s touch so much, having been gone for a week on vacation with his family. The texts and videos you had exchanged were down right sinful, but they were nothing compared to the real thing. You missed the way he bruised your hips, the way he held you down and pounded into you until you saw God. He missed your tight little pussy, the look on your face when he made you cum on his dick, your sweet little moans and the way you screamed his name.

But the lewd noises were currently being muffled by the pillow your face was shoved in, and Rafe couldn’t have that. He twisted your hair in his grip, pulling on it and lifting your head up off the pillow.

“There we go. Don’t hold back, baby. I want to hear you,” He growls, yanking a little harder on your locks and thrusting deeper into you. You obeyed, letting your curses and moans out into the air, adding to the sinful atmosphere of the room.

“i’m gonna f*ck you until you beg me to stop”

500/10

-true to his word

-couldn’t walk for a week

To say Rafe was pissed was an understatement. But the fury that burned within his eyes didn’t scare you. In fact, you felt your cunt start dripping in response. His hand gripped your throat, knuckles bruised and bloodied from the events earlier in the night. He slams you back into the wall and making you moan.

“You think you’re funny? Talking to that fucking Pogue in front of me? Did you see the way he was looking at you? Well, he already got his, now it’s time for your punishment.” He hikes your dress up and practically rips your panties off. You scream as he plunges his fingers into you, starting out at a brutal pace, fingers curling to hit your g-spot.

“I’m gonna fuck you until you beg me to stop,” He growls.

“i want everyone to know how hard you were f*cked’

12000000/10

-pulled me in close and bit my neck hard

-hot af

“Look at you, being such a good girl for me, taking my cock so well,” Rafe moans as he slows the speed of his thrusts, staring down at where your bodies met and the juices of two orgasms leaked out of you.

“Does anyone else know what a little slut you are? How good you are taking cock?”

You moan as he juts into you particularly hard and he reaches down to to squeeze your throat.

“I asked you a question, baby.”

“No, Rafe. No one knows what a good little slut I am for you.” The grin that appears on his face is devilish, his movements stopping completely, making you whimper. He leaned down until his mouth is by your ear, breath fanning across your neck making you shiver.

“I want everyone to know how hard you were fucked,” He purrs, strangely tender despite the darkness of his words. The he suddenly bites down on your neck, making you shout before his hips start snapping into yours. He continues to make large, dark marks across your body as he fucks you into the mattress.

“you c*m when i say you can”

2589/10

-don’t tell me what to do

-jk yes daddy

Rafe had been edging you all night. It started at dinner, a special birthday dinner for him with all his close friends. Under the table, his fingers had rubbed your sensitive nub until you were right on the edge, then pulling away as dessert was served, knowing full well that you were his real dessert for the night.

The second the two of you got home, he commanded you to meet him in your bedroom, naked and waiting. You did exactly as he said, it was his birthday after all, and you were the best present he could get. When he arrived in the bedroom, he was removed only his tie, wrapping it around your wrists and binding them tight. The next couple hours was spent with a vibrator on your clit, your legs shaking as you constantly came close to the edge but never tipped over.

Every now and then, Rafe’s mouth and fingers would join in the fun. Licking up your juices or teasing your nipples. Sometimes he would pull your panties on, leaving the small vibrator pressed up against you while he sat back and watched you squirm. You were crying by this point, all this pleasure with no release driving you crazy.

“Please, Rafe! I can’t take it anymore, I need to cum!” You whimper. The vibe is suddenly removed from you, replaced with a hard slap to your pussy that makes you scream.

“What’s my name?” He growls.

“Daddy! Please!” He smirks down at you, eyes filled with an animalistic hunger.

“You cum when I say you can.”

“you look amazing rn”

100000/10

-awe shucks

-was said in a very tender way

-wholesome

“Fuck, Rafe, I’m gonna cum!” You moan as Rafe slams into you, fingers playing your clit like a beautiful instrument.

“I’m close too baby…fuck…cum with me,” He groans, his movements sloppy as his words start to become true. You reach up, fingers tangling in his hair and pulling him down to meet your lips. The kiss is loving and passionate and hungry and pure all at once. You moan against each other as you both meet your releases. He stills inside you, pulling out all too soon for your liking and scooting down the bed to stare at your leaking center. Seeing his seed dripping from you did something to his head, making his dick harden again slightly and his love for you grow. His fingers reach out, scooping up his cum and shoving it back into you lightly, making you whimper quietly.

He sits back up, leaning over you and placing sweet kisses around your face before landing on your lips. He pulls back, staring at your face covered in after sex bliss. He loves you like this, absolutely fucked out.

“You look amazing right now,” He smiles softly as you blush, covering your face with your hands. He shakes his head and pulls them away cuddling up to you and placing several more kisses to your neck as he holds you tight.

“you’ll pay for that later”

sdhfdskkhdj/10

-i deserved it

-my a$$ was red

You’d been to enough Kook parties with Rafe to last you a life time. You were bored, left in the corner to pout while Rafe paid attention to anything but you. You were honestly tired of it, and you were going to do something about it. Finding Rafe talking to Topper by the pool, you walk up to him with wide innocent eyes.

“Hey, baby,” You coo before turning to face Topper, pressing your back up against Rafe, making sure your ass was situated right on his crotch. You spend the next few minutes in deep discussion with Topper, not even looking or speaking to Rafe. Every now and then, you would move to adjust your dress, rubbing your butt against his quickly hardening cock.

“Aw, I’m out,” You say, referring to your drink, starting to walk away.

“I’ll come with you,” Rafe says, taking your arm and practically dragging you away. He leans down and growls in your ear, “You’ll pay for that later.” The words made you ruin your underwear.

Instead of bringing you to the kitchen for drinks, he leads you out to his truck, shoving you into the passenger seat. When you arrived home, he brought you to the bedroom and bent you over his knee, hiking your skirt up and shoving your panties down. His hand met your ass, over, and over again, until you were soaked all over his lap. He lifted you up moving you onto the bed, placing you down gently in contrast to the harsh slaps he had just given you.

“Such a little fucking tease,” He whispers before unbuckling his pants and pulling his cock out, preparing to absolutely destroy your cunt.

“who’s pu$$y is this?”

infinity/10

-i knew exactly who’s

-(spoiler) it’s his

You always knew your wedding night with Rafe would be one to remember. Your bedroom life was already incredible, you just knew he would pull out all the stops for your special day. And you were right. It had started long before the bedroom, sneaking off during the reception for him to bury himself under your beautiful white dress and devour you, or you kneeling in front of him, sucking him until his covered your lips in white, suited perfectly for a bride like you.

When he got you all to himself after the party, you knew you were in for it. The sex was rough and passionate, using positions where he could always look you right int he eye as he made you scream his name. You were all his and his alone, and you would be for the rest of your lives.

“Who’s pussy is this?” He growls as he fucks into you, rubbing you clit and squishing your cheeks between his thumb and forefinger, forcing you to look at him. Already three orgasms deep, you found it difficult to focus. But the look of pure passion and love glowing in his eyes fanned the flame inside of you.

“It’s yours, Rafe, all yours. Forever and always.” You breathe. He grins at you, meeting your lips in a fiery kiss as he fucks you with all the love in his body.

taglist/moots: @ilovejjmaybank @broken-jj @vindictive-hearts @wtfkie @jjmaybby @dontjinx-it @butgilinsky @rekrappeter @diverdcwn @rafecameron @prejudic3 @starlightstarkey @https-luna @sunnypogue @obxmxybxnk @jjmayybank @bluesiderudy @socialwriter @kindahavefeelingskindaheartless @peachydrews @outerbanksbro @poguestyleskye @softstarkey @bricksatanakinswindow @mdlyncline @poguemackin @downbytheouterbanks @ptersparkers @prkerspogue @moldisgoodforyou @outrbanks @girlsru1eboysdroo1 @tempestuousjj @stargazingstarkey @anxietyandtacos @uwubonebabie @joshy-obx

[goddessjynx]

Any parent please answer?

Idk if anyone will see this, but right now I need just anyone to tell me I'm not crazy.

Am I a bad friend for wanting to hang out with my ex-bestie (eb for short) while she has her kids or she's busy and can't hang, so I offer to come over, to help watch, to help clean? Anything just to be there for her, why? Oh because she was on her third child, at this time I literally went over to her house to play dnd with her husband and brother and her sometimes. So I would try and say "hi" or talk, but instead we stayed doing something else or barely said hi. Ok, fine, hormones, got it. It got to the point of she wouldn't want to hang out with me for reasons she stopped telling me decent sounding excuses. Fine, That's fine, I have other friends who I can hang with or find other things to stay inside and not get out of the house to do. I don't need to leave the house, to get away from the suffocating inside the house with a mentally and verbally abusive, controlling husband. That's. Just. Fine.

So you know, time goes on. we find out that the reason she won't hang out with me, but will hang out with the other girl who she hates (Mind you the other chick literally broke into their house, tried to start drama all the time, and be hazardous to her already two children But who am I to judge about the person you rant to me about how you hate them so much?) But the other chick was also pregnant after divorcing her wife. It's honestly such a mess. So "anyways, I get excluded now because I "Don't understand what she's going through" or "I won't have the same experience" or I'm "not a good source of help" Lol, Okay? I still can't help? Be happy for you? Cool. So things go on, and just things have gotten worse on my end. I'm over here with such a mind debilitating baby fever, that I'm having to pull my car over watching children get off the school bus because I'm in such a crying fit that I can't breathe or see straight. So who the hell would I go to about what do I do? My Bestie right? (There's a reason we are eb rn) I tell her, well try, Idk how much she actually listened. But I tell her how I just can't think about anything else right now. I did everything right, and the world keeps slapping me back.

I own a 4 bedroom house. we have two cars, we even have decently everything working out in our favor, But all of a sudden, I'm not good enough for anyone. My own husband two months after getting married said he hasn't found me attractive for the last two years. THAnks. That's a real boost. This didn't start the fights, but that's a whole other set of rants. about a year before my eb got pregnant, around or right before July 4th, I strictly remember, I was in the walmart fucking bathroom. I had felt so sick the weeks beforehand. Like, My menstrual cycle hates me. She's savage af. Not to mention she likes to disappear randomly and appear with just cramps or a whole flood. I never know. But I remember calling my husband in a panic because I don't know what to do while I had to go to the bathroom so bad it hurt, and all I have is half dollar sized clots. Just something my medical brain, and senior year of AP biology says, "Fuck!" I have him figure something out because I'm really needing someone to just hold me in the bathroom I feel so sick to my stomach. I'm dizzy and all these symptoms I tell him to tell the doctor or whoever he calls.. So he calls, they say whatever to him. I don't either remember or he never told me what they said, (this is a normal of hiding information from me, A LOT) They said (What he told me) to just wipe things up and clean up then if it persists in the next 24 hours to go into the hospital. But I will have to see an ob-gyn.

So, Okay. Nothing bad. but they are in charge of everything along those lines. But those were including two words, that I now know were the two words this man didn't want to hear despite, DESPITE all the teasing and jokes about having kids with me when I was younger with him and literally just dating. That was because I had to see a family planning doctor. I was told by HIM that it was nothing, and we will be fine. I just blamed it on my cramps that are horrible and never put thought to it because I had believed that's what he was told. So that's a trauma my brain locked away until recently as I'm going through my divorce right now. But, I was thinking about how shortly after that, I got a call from my eb about how they were all waiting on me because I'm making us late for bringing stuff to the grill out and bonfire later. Fine, mask all the pain and keep fucking going. right?

She seemed genuinely not worried, saying it was probably just a bad cycle. She gets them all the time too. Its whatever. My now bestie's sister has gone through the same thing I described multiple times, enough that she looked at me and was like, "No, You possibly miscarried." even her mom went on about, "they should've never NEVER brushed that off like they did. If they cared then they would've made sure you were ok. My husband denied me from going to the doctor to see anything about it. Even after when I knew my hormones and emotions were just soooo off. But that's in my mind now, when before maybe around the same time my eb came out saying to all of us even her own husband one time saying she's been feeling crummy because she went in and she found out she had miscarried. It was so short after my stuff that she disregarded then took and made attention for herself that upset her own husband because she never told him until she told a bunch of us at a bar. I mean I felt bad for her, but Now thinking back, my gut says it was a ploy to make her husband to feel bad for her and to try for another one. Where as I'm over here waiting patiently because I jumped through Hoops to get where I'm at now.

My husband promised me children. Lots, its a fucking dream to be a mum. I care for everyone else, and their kids, why not have some kind of mini me to show of what I did. That I did good. That I can be useful to this world too. That I'm not just a lump of no good nothing to this world. But first, he needed a better paying job than a gas station.

Did that, he worked at a metal parts production place. But we then gave the fact that we still live in the apartment I got after moving out from high school. We rented a house. It worked, and it was nice. But now he needs a car, but he cant do that until he learns how to drive. 3 years older than me and I taught him how to drive. AND I helped him buy his first car, a truck. Oh but now, we still can't start a family. We are only renting. I have enough good credit that I could get a house alone, but I needed a higher pay. Bam with his income together we got a house.

Bam, I'm hit with baby fever and what not. NOW I get told, we aren't ready for anything like that yet, so wait two years. Alright, I'll wait. I can do that. We were going to go on trips together and do many things together and all of a sudden, the walmart thing happened, and it just got worse from there. It got to a point I got a job paying BETTER than him and I was the laughing stock to him and his buddies. THANKS. But I'm fine, everything is fine. The walmart thing was about two years after, so I mean, it was actually in the time frame and whatnot. Things just kept going on getting worse at home, I just kept listening. For reasons, I had to quit my high paying job, and then everything got absolutely horrible at home. Had to put everything I had control over money wise into his account for he worried it would take too long to find an new job and make money to suffice for bills. It was argument after argument, but I went to my eb explaining things, asking what the hell do I do? Her advice? To just do what he wants. The thing I had to quit about? She basically never cared about it. Everything just went on being a mess. I went on just letting people walk over me because that was the advice I was given.

I voiced my feelings that I have been following lies and how I feel hurt that I'm told dreams and having them be taken away. We never went on trips much. Instead we would buy a crap ton of ammo or new guns that I'm not allowed to use, yet I'm helping fund so you can get them, but when it was my own that I BOUGHT, all of a sudden, my things went missing and he would be out using and letting his buddies use my new guns and using up the ammo I had purchased on my own. I mean, fine, but let me at LEAST take yours out if you're going to use mine without asking. It got to be so annoying that we would be asked when we would get married or when we would have kids. He would be hugging me and smiling all cocky saying "Oh well we haven't stopped trying." every time. He would start that tell people this and I finally had enough. I stopped him and told him to put his money where his mouth was. He always said shit but never actually did it or acted on what he said. He would just lie to everyone. Tell people lies because it sounded nice. Best part? I had bought a ring for him. I proposed to him because he would joke about things like that. So I basically said, "bet" and did it. I have never received a damn ring! He wouldn't even want to look at them with me. Because they were expensive. Not all of them are. I don't care what price it is, but something to say, "Hey, I love you and Don't want the odd peeps at the bar to keep hitting on you so take this with you, its dangerous out there." (Shut up. I'm a nerd) But like.... I just would make notions about, I wanted a ring. He would beg me to pool together money and buy new guns, I mean I"m not against, but I would bring up that I will want a ring. Or even something else would be you know, amazing right now because I'm in a lost place wanting kids still and my eb just announced they were having their third. (which her own family was so upset about it that they ranted to me and my mom, her own brother said that its just another kid that they will end up taking care of instead of her so she can go to the bars again. Yep) So next we talked about getting a gun safe because, before we can have kids, we need to be SAFE. Ight, we bought it. Nice matte black 33 capacity, fire and water proof, best part the front had a reallly pretty engraved waving American flag imprinted on it. It was just so smooth. (Guess who has that right now btw) So oddly enough in the middle of me not being enough for my eb, My cycle kind of returned to being semi regular, and all of a sudden disappeared. Well that whole month beforehand we went from never wanting to touch me unless it was my birthday to every night he was angry after work and took it out on me instead. I mean, whatever. But when it came to me not feeling well, I told him.

Instantly it wasn't mine. I was fooling with other guys. Like instant psycho. His childhood friend came and moved up with us, she saw this for a good few months and had to move out because he was trying to control her as if she were a child. She told me that it was not right for him to be that way and that she will never talk to him for how he treated her. (which was exactly how he was always with me too) I'm not sure if he was trying to get my jealous because his bff was a girl? Idk we worked out like literally sisters. Sooo much in common and she told me, She believes he's never wanted kids. And she watched how I broke down after he told me he wanted nothing to do with me until I took a test. He DEMANDED that I took a test right away. If it was positive, it wasn't his until proven so. And if it was negative he would be fine. this was ridiculous. He wasn't at all happy or excited. Purely upset. I felt so shitty that after the test was negative I told him and he threatened about it happening again he was leaving back to Kansas. He threatened this every damn fight, it got to the point that I gave up, I said leave then. And instantly he shut up. I got him out of gangs, crime, jail, living on the street or with his mum, and being a maaajor drug addict. Yet I'M THE BAD PERSON.

Back to recently when my eb is getting closer to having her kid, I just go through finding out I'm not and my husband is freaking out at me, nonstop yelling at me that I'm not good enough and all this shit. Yes, lil ol me trying to keep the peace in the house is a cunt and a whore. Wow. Name calling, but hitting where it hurts? I told him before, how my mother in an argument said I would be a horrible mother. And that shit sticks. IT STICKS. So what does the smart ass pull out? He repeats it. He says he's glad I'm not pregnant because I'd be a horrible mother in the end.

That. That just kills a person. That kills dreams and the feeling of wanting to keep living. Who the FUCK says that to their partner? Am I wrong for thinking that's not right? Well my eb thought I was. I told her my feelings. How I don't want to be jealous of her, but I am. That she's more beautiful, she's always had guys hitting on her in school inviting her to do things and hang out, I was the nerd in whatever class that got invited only if it was mandatory. She will be having three kids and a loving husband that can never take his hands or eyes from her, where as I have to act like a clown to get my husband to look up from his damn phone. To say something nice. To

be acknowledged while in the house. I've left and came back the next morning because I hung out at my now besties house. He didn't say a word until I came home the next morning and he looked at me like "when the fuck did you leave" No care, no love. I was stuck being a burden. Anything I ever did around the house was in vain. Everything I helped with I got shoved away because I didn't do it right. EVERYTHING I did was not good enough. I would tell him this that is how I felt and he would deny it. One day, I caught him yelling at me saying that what I did wasn't ever good enough. Calle him out right away. Bitch... He tried to change the wording to go around what he said. I HEARD IT. it was so bad I had to have my bestie on the phone to listen to how he talked to me behind closed doors. Away from public view. HER MOM HEARD IT. Thought she was watching some kind of dramatic show, until she realized it was me on the phone. She's listened to so many calls its unheard of. There was a day, I had enough of it. (Ok A lot actually) but I grabbed my laptop and my charger and left the house. I sat in the park drawing on my laptop. Texted every person I could think of that I cared so deeply for that they would care for me back. I was in a dark ass place asking for Advice. My eb shrugged off what my husband was doing and scolded me for leaving. For sitting in a park drawing out my feelings instead of being with him because he's being dramatic to her husband upset that I started an argument. I didn't understand what I started when it was over me telling him not to throw the controller when he loses a COD game because that's how it breaks. Why he threw it? Because I distracted him by playing with my cat while he was playing the damn game and made him lose! yep. Exactly that. So I was yelled at to quit. So I did. I went back to my drawing and then with my headphones on I was humming to my music. It distracted him and he lost. So I flipped out because I can't do anything in my own house without being scolded for it. So I stormed off to the bedroom to draw some more. I'm upstairs and away from him. Didn't want to eat now I'm stressed and upset. So I didn't cook anything and now he's hungry and upset at me for not making food yet. YES. That's how it started and I again was the bad person in the story for safely removing myself from an environment where all my mind was telling me to do was dark things that hurt to say. To give up on everything I have worked for and all my dreams.

That was the last time I spoke to her for a while because everything started to be only about baby and about doing this for baby. Doing that for baby. But then she would never answer me back. I was done trying to fit time to hang out. To do something, I made new friends who didn't have kids and hung out more with them. It got horrible. the sound of a child crying made my stomach hurt. I had non stop dreams of the same thing happening. It was just awful. I looked it up and it was just meaning I had something and lost it. Whatever is missing in the dream what what I had lost.

In this dream I was dressed in all black, lace and long dress covering every inch of skin on my body. I had a hat with a veil and I was rocking a bundle in my arms in an old decrepit room with peeling paint and broken toys. It was a nursery. An old ruined nursery. I was rocking just a black blanket swaddled with a hole that emptied to the void. It gives me chills, I get this dream so much that me explaining just makes my skin crawl and my body ache. It hurts to think of but I just cannot understand it. Makes sense now that I looked into it.

But me going through all of this, I can't talk to my husband about my feelings because I'm too needy and being selfish for not taking his feelings into an account. That he's not ready that we are not ready and that I'm not ready because I'm going to be a horrible mom. Cool.

I have tried so much. I couldn't be around kids. It made me so sick and I jus would have to find somewhere to hide and cry for hours. I would cry myself to sleep. Never getting comfort by him because I'm throwing a pity party. I was so hurt. Still am. I'm broken hearted. Thinking that if I had a kid, at least I would have something that needed me and would love the care I gave and would love me back. I wanted to feel loved for how much I put out in the world. I wanted to have something to ground me to this world before I did something stupid. I was in such a dark place that I drove an hour to go see my bestie because I was scared that I was going to do it. That I was going to be the big disappointment he told me I would always be. Three months later, baby is here and I go back to playing dnd with my friends and its at their house. My husband is rubbing it in my face. He's holding baby and talking to baby and doing all these things making my mind break. He asks if I want to hold her. If i if iififififi NO.

I can't I cannot. I'm trying to be respectful. I missed out on other games because I had to hype myself up. I procrastinated because I didn't know how I would be or if I could handle it. I got to the point that my eb's husband told me that he doesn't want me playing anymore because I sent a text trying to apologize to my now eb that I feel so bad but I can't see her right now since seeing her kids just sends me into a panic attack and I can't stop thinking horrible things. So she takes that as I have a problem with HER kids and not just the KIDS situation. Doesn't hear me out. blames me for everything and has me banned from coming over. in which her husband says he doesn't want me over anymore. Which my rebuttal is because she's telling him only. But he said it was his choice. I don't know don't care. It just hurt that THATS the reason I got kicked out. Not because I was good, but that I couldn't handle their kids. And I would not pay attention by drawing the whole time. I was distracting myself because I'm trying to drown out the noises of cooing making my gut rot and my mouth dry. So by all means I'm selfish for wanting a dream that I was being promised for the last 6 years of physically being with my soon to be ex. I've know for actually 12 years. And that I drove 15 hours to bring you to me since you couldn't drive.

So I need to know from real parents, was I out of line for telling my eb that I had feelings and that them not being heard or just cast to the side hurt? Am I crazy for feeling that I've been robbed? For being upset when my husband comes home drunk and abuses me? For being hurt when I'm called all sorts of names and told I'm worthless by the man I should trust the most? Please. I need to know.

I know I'm ranting, but I need to get it out. I need to find some sort of something to figure out why I'm feeling this way, or why I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm fighting for the divorce since i haven't been to my owned house in the last 5 months since he changed the locks on me. I moved an hour away from my home and my family and still to this day, I hurt to hear or watch children around me. I'm happy, but inside something aches and just feels empty. Not to mention that I got told by people that know me that he's been caught buying condoms. We are still technically married, and he can't be doing those things right now. Am I jealous? Upset? Hurt? All of the above? It just sucks and I'm drowning in debt a bit trying to work my ass off to get where I want in life again since all of everything has been ripped from me. I'm trying. Please let me know if I'm crazy or out of line? I want to be heard. I'm going to start to save up. I have a plan for my 27th birthday. If it doesn't work in time for my 28th birthday, I'm not sure what else I can do but join the 27 club.