#just in terms of 'if i only have 5 hours a (week)day to myself is this what i want to spend it on?'

[kveom]

dk throwback gifs 1/50

[pibsboots]

I've always had chronic fatigue. I remember being twelve, and an adult mentioned how I couldn't possibly know how tired they felt because adulthood brought levels of exhaustion I couldn't imagine. I thought about that for days in fear, because I couldn't remember the last time I didn't feel tired.

Eventually I came to terms with the fact that I was just tired, and I couldn't do as many things as everyone else. People called me lazy, and I knew that wasn't true, but there's only so many times you can say "I'm tired" before people think it's an excuse. I don't blame them. When a teenager does 20 hours of extracurriculars every week and only says "I'm too tired" when you ask them to do the dishes, it's natural to think it's an excuse. At some point, I started to think the same thing.

It didn't matter that I could barely sit up. It was probably all in my head, and if I really wanted to, I could do it.

When I learned the name for it, chronic fatigue, I thought wow, people that have that must be miserable, because I am always tired and I cannot imagine what it would feel like if it were worse.

Spoiler alert, if you've been tired for a decade, it's probably chronic fatigue.

Once I figured that out though, I thought of my energy as the same as everyone else's, just smaller in quantity. And that might be true for some people, but I've figured out recently that it absolutely isn't true for me.

I used to be like wow I have so much energy today I can do this whole list for sure! And then I'd do the dishes and have to lay down for 2 hours. Then I'd think I must gave misjudged that, I didn't have as much energy as I thought.

But the thing is - I did have enough energy for more tasks, I just didn't go about them properly.

With chronic fatigue, your maximum energy is obviously much smaller than the average person's. Doing the dishes for you might use up the same percentage of energy that it takes to do all the daily chores for someone else.

If someone without chronic fatigue was to do all the daily chores, they would take breaks. Because otherwise, they're sprinting a marathon for no reason and it would take way more energy than necessary. We have to do the same.

Put the cups in the dishwasher, take a break. Put the bowls in, take a break. So on and so forth. This may mean taking breaks every 2-5 minutes but afterwards, you get to not feel like you've run a marathon while carrying 4 people on your back.

Today, I had a moderate amount of energy. Under my old system of go till you drop, I probably could have done most of the dishes and wiped off the counter and then been dead to the world for the rest of the day.

Under the new system, I scooped litter boxes, cleaned out the fridge, took the trash out, cleaned the stove, and wiped off the counter and did all the dishes. And after all that, I still had it in me to make a simple dinner, unload the dishwasher, and tidy the kitchen.

It was complete and utter insanity. Just because I sat down whenever I felt myself getting more tired than I already was.

All this to say, take fucking breaks. It's time to unlearn the ceaseless productivity bullshit that capitalism has shoved down our throats. Its actively counterproductive. Just sit down. Drink some water. Rest your body when it needs to rest.

There will still be days where there is nothing to do but rest, and days where half a load of dishes is absolutely the most I can do. But this method has really helped me minimize those, which is so incredibly relieving.

[d1xonss]

Hey have a great day! 🫶🏻🪻Could you write about Reader who lives in Alexandria when The group first were brought by Aaron.Daryl noticing the resemblance between him and reader being distant from actual citizens in Alexandria and not wanting to participate in parties or fun always going out from the gates to forest.Reader also has a huge scar on her eye something like Carl’s. Daryl making her feel beautiful showing each other their scars and fluffy ending

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

✧ Pairing : Daryl Dixon x Reader

✧ Era : Season 5

✧ Pronouns : she/her

✧ Genre : Fluff

✧ Word Count : 2k

AN ~ Me actually finishing a request that’s been sitting in my drafts forever?? Everyone clap😌. No but seriously, I'm proud of myself for finally getting this done, I hope it was worth the wait and you guys enjoy it. xoxox

You were the first person he noticed. That’s what he thought anyway. He wasn’t focused on the new houses, the strong walls, or the many unrealistic luxuries the new community provided. His curiosity solely remained on you from the very first moment he could remember.

You were different from the other people who lived in the area. Whilst they were all warm and welcoming the second he and his family stepped through the gates, you didn’t seem the least bit interested in their arrival. Though you were still present, watching from a distance as you absorbed the new faces, yet you couldn’t seem to bring yourself to greet them properly. He remembered how you stood on the porch of your house, your arms folded over your chest as you eyed everyone somewhat suspiciously. He remembered how your gaze seemed to linger on Carl and Judith, noting the two kids that needed a place like this to be safe.

But the thing he would surely never forget, was when he first spotted your scar. From a distance even, he could make out the shape of a long, crooked gash that traveled from the middle of your forehead and down toward your eye, stopping in the area right above your cheek. It was prominent, noticeable from even a hundred feet away, and something that surely was proof that you had been through a lot. Though even if you didn’t have any evidence on your skin, Daryl could still tell from your weariness that life outside of these walls wasn’t all that generous to you. Just as it hadn’t been for him.

Weeks seemed to pass by, and he still didn’t even know your name. Yet he was very observant whenever he managed to spot you walking down the streets of Alexandria, almost as if he had a sixth sense like he knew you were near. Most of the time he would just watch you, curious and hesitant, not looking to bother you though he couldn’t help but be intrigued. However, he picked up a pattern in your routine, noting that around the same time everyday you would leave the community to head off into the woods. For hours you would just disappear, not coming back until the sun was starting to cast an orange and pink glow to the sky. 

Though every time you would return, you came back with nothing. Not an animal, not a single can of food, nothing. It confused Daryl slightly, wondering what it was you did out there for the entire day only to come back empty handed.

He felt drawn to you, relating in a way that the others couldn’t even begin to comprehend. Whether you knew it or not, the two of you seemed to have a lot in common, not even needing to be on speaking terms to know that for a fact. Both quiet and reserved with a harsh past, not liking to interact much with others seeing as you hardly left your home, other than to head off into the forest day after day. The wilderness alone seemed to be something you both enjoyed as well. Perhaps you also liked to hunt, or maybe you also had a love for bikes and trinkets. Daryl didn’t know for sure, but one of these days, he wanted to find out.

The man wasn’t good with words, which was why it had taken him so long to build up the courage to speak to you in the first place. But when he spotted you sitting near the pond, reading a book he was surprisingly familiar with…he took a chance. For the first time in his life it seemed like, he threw caution to the wind and decided to go through with it before he changed his mind.

His hands clenched and unclenched nervously with each step he took to approach you, not even fully knowing what to say once he got there. He racked his brain over and over again as you were just a few feet away now, but ultimately he ended up with nothing, now awkwardly just standing in front of the bench you sat at.

But sensing his presence, you looked up from the pages to see him lingering near, his heart doing a flip in his chest. You were…beautiful. He had never really seen you up close until this very moment, but now that he had, it was like he never wanted to look away. He could see the gold flakes in your eyes, the freckles that were scattered all over your face, and lastly…the scar that was embedded in your flesh. But it didn’t bother him at all. In fact…he liked it.

A sheepish, lopsided smile crossed his face as he nervously ran a hand over the back of his neck, “Hey…”

He watched as you slowly smiled back at him, setting your book off to the side, something he didn’t necessarily expect. But you had a certain look to your expression, telling him that you had been wanting to seek him out just as much as he did you.

“Hi…” your voice spoke softly.

And from that point on, he was hooked.

The two of you had grown to be insuperable, which was somewhat of a shock to the rest of the community seeing as neither of you really liked anyone. But with each other, it was somehow different. Like there was an understanding there. You could be sat in comfortable silence without really being alone, enjoying each other's presence even if you didn’t have the energy to fill the quiet. Or you could have company when going on small runs or hunting trips, which Daryl ultimately found out you liked to do. Or there would be times where neither of you could seem to shut up, bouncing stories back and forth as you shared a bottle of whiskey which also helped loosen the tongue.

But the bottom line was, you were happy. For the first time in your life, you finally felt like you had found your person. A soulmate you didn’t even know existed, yet he seemed to fall right into your lap.

Though one afternoon, Daryl noticed you were a bit quieter than usual. At first he didn’t think much of it as he assumed you didn’t feel like talking much that day. But the longer he observed you, the more he could sense that something was wrong, that something might’ve been bugging you. And the truth was he was right, something had been bothering you. But you would rather die than bring it up to him.

Your voice filled the silence of the forest as the two of you sat in the grass of the clearing, reading aloud from the book that was propped up in your hands. Daryl observed you as he laid on his back, one arm placed underneath his head as the other drew absentminded circles up and down your arm. He usually wasn’t one for physical touch, in fact most of the time he cringed at the thought. But again, with you, it was different. He felt comfortable enough to be open and vulnerable with you, just as you were with him. Or so he thought until he slowly came to the realization that you were clearly keeping something from him.

Once you finished the chapter and closed the book to set aside, he let the silence linger for a moment before he spoke quietly, “You okay?”

You looked down at him, forcing a small smile, “Yeah…I’m fine. Why?”

He tilted his head, “Come on. Ya know you can talk to me bout anythin.” he said as he slowly sat up to scoot beside you, reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear.

A soft sigh left your lips, “I’m fine.” you repeated.

“Yer a terrible liar.” he retorted, though he didn’t push much further. He knew if you wanted to tell him, you would, and he didn’t want to make you uneasy by bringing up the subject over and over again. He just worried about you, being someone he cared about deeply, it came at a price of some heavy protectiveness.

You slowly shook your head as you looked down at the few wildflowers in front of you, “Just…one of those days.” you admitted quietly.

His heart sank a little as he knew what you meant by that. There were times where you would get down in the dumps about yourself, feeling a bit more insecure than usual. It was something common, hell he even knew the feeling himself, but it still hurt to see. Especially when he couldn’t wrap his head around it; to him you were the most stunning person in the entire world.

After a moment he gently reached out to take your chin in his grasp, turning your face so you would look at him. His eyes studied you, his thumb moving up to trace the line of your scar, the same insecurity that your mind seemed to linger on the most.

“Yer beautiful.” he said softly.

You huffed quietly with a slight roll of your eyes, clearly trying to brush off his comment as if it didn’t register or matter to you. “M’ serious.” he tried again.

“Well, I don’t feel beautiful.” you gently argued, “Everyone always stares…like this is the only thing they can see when they look at me.” you said quietly as you gestured to the thing marking your flesh.

He tilted his head a little as he took in your words, knowing where you were coming from as it couldn’t be easy having to deal with that every single day. But somehow he wanted to prove how special you were, how breathtaking you were in his eyes, how he hardly even focused on your flaws. Because to him, your “flaws” were only what made you more perfect to him.

“You wanna know how I see ya?”

You tilted your head at him, as if you knew his answer would make you cry and gag at the same time as affection was still something you were getting used to. Though at the same time, you wanted to hear.

“I see ya as someone who’s got the biggest heart the world has ever seen. I see ya…as someone brave, and smart…and stubborn as all hell.” he listed. You couldn’t help but laugh at the last one, knowing it was true.

“But mostly…when I look at you, I see the most beautiful person I ever laid my eyes on.”

The sincerity in his voice was enough to cause a lump to form in your throat, knowing that he meant every word. He truly cared about you, he had proved that time and time again since you had met him. Honestly, you didn’t know what you did to deserve someone who cared about you so dearly, but you sure as hell weren’t going to take it for granted. Not now, not ever.

“I know it’s not an easy thing to get past…shit, m’ still self conscious about my own demons sometimes. But whenever ya start to feel like this…I just want ya to know I’ll always be there to reassure ya. Alright?”

You slowly nodded your head, leaning forward to wrap your arms around him in a hug, sighing at the feeling of his touch. His hands gently gripped your waist as he rested his chin on your shoulder, willing to hold you for as long as you needed. Willing to tell you however many times you needed to hear it, just how special and important you were. He wanted to make sure you felt loved, knowing that you hadn’t received much of that in your past. It was like he wanted to heal your inner child, just like you were doing for him.

“I…” you started to say, but the words seemed to get lodged in your throat, not fully knowing how to express yourself comfortably.

But Daryl just tightened his grip on you, “I know…me too.”

~ Thanks for reading! (And for your patience)

[prettyboysdontlookatexplosions]

wow what a great weekend i wound up having, largely unexpectedly! friday morning zoom with a friend straight to hanging with a friend in town from far away, down to brooklyn for a single tutoring session & then home and back out to a bar 5 minutes from my apartment that i didn't know existed and has shockingly good vibes (to me, known bar hater) because people were hanging out; saturday thrifting & hot chocolate with a friend who talked me into buying a pair of $15 men's wranglers i wasn't sure of but now am obsessed with and feel when i am wearing them like liz lemon in that episode where she gets those jeans that make her butt look amazing and then has to give them up because the company is owned by halliburton, then home to leg day and back out to a slight but very entertaining musical about a robot band because a friend had a last minute extra ticket, then from there to a holiday party downtown where i mostly hung out with the same people i had hung out with on friday; and then today somehow another last minute ticket appeared, this one to a screening of the philadelphia story, which was somehow my first katherine hepburn picture and i do understand now why my friend who has been Like That about her our entire lives is Like That about her... i mean like wow.... anyway and then home for a zoom session and sunday treat korean take-out and, mostly, washing 5 million dishes, resulting in a kitchen that is not quite clean but has crossed the threshold where i no longer open the door to the apartment upon arriving home and think for a second "my kitchen makes me want to kill myself" lol.

anyway! we are in the final two weeks before break, and three students had their final sessions (or final before resuming in january) this week, with one more coming this tuesday, a week earlier than i thought due to some confusion over his test date... we're really winding down now... the week came in at just under twenty seven and a half hours so planning to put in about 25 this week should be fine in terms of stuff getting done. i feel like my surprise streak of fun things happening sort of broke me out of my tunnel vision re: Must Always Be Highlighting and i feel much calmer about the idea of for example prioritizing ending this week with also my room doesn't make me want to die lol. i dooooo want to be prepped at least for my first few sessions back before i go into full Vacation Mode which will require some willpower.... but i think it'll be fine since next week i have like five sessions total.

this week i only worked out 3 times partly due to busyness partly due to soreness but it was a run of HIIT day, upper, & lower, so at least it was a well balanced 3. also it's good to take stock and think about how wild it would be to me a few years ago to think of conceiving of a 3-workout week as an "only." it continues to be annoying that i had to take time off and now have to take body-acclimation time so close to the end of the program but on the bright side i am 3 days away from the end of the program! amnesty got bumped thank goodness and that will definitely get a bigger priority this week especially since my replacement pair of earbuds whose sound quality i don't hate should arrive soooon... it's starting tomorrow and luckily the one song i've blurbed so far is on the roster so i am so far on track for doing at least a blurb a day. that & the room thing are the preoccupations for the week i think!

[babiebom]

Hiiii. I hope ur ok with my just constantly being like *ahem* spencer reid 👉🏻👈🏻🥹🥹. I loved how you wrote him in the last request! I feel like a lot of the time, people write him very ooc - just bc he can be hard to get written the right way, but like that's my boy, look at him spitting random facts for HOURS 🥰🥰?? Like yes, pls info dump on me while I stare at u lovingly, Spence 💞.

I recently came to terms with being ftm, but it's almost impossible to find any male! reader x Spencer Reid content. Which can be very dysphoric 😵‍💫. Which sucks! Bc holy hell, there are some fuckinnn amazing writers out there writing fanfics.

So now, I have come to you, an amazing writer out here writing fanfics, to beg ask if ud be down to write any kind of oneshot with Spencer Reid dating a male reader! It honestly doesn't have to be anything specific - romantic, angsty, enemies to lovers, slow burn, whatever peaks ur interest atm!

I would just love, love to have that content with Spence & a male reader if you're down for the task! Thank you so so muchh 💓. Hope ur having a wonderful morning / afternoon / evening !

A/N:im sorry this took so long!! I’ve been busy working (blegh) and I wanted to write something sweet for you!! I’m happy you’ve come to terms with being ftm!! As a cis identifying person myself I can’t say that I know how it feels, but I am VERY happy that you’re more comfortable with your identity!! Also never worry about being too “crazy” over Spencer I’ve been obsessed with him since I was about 5 or 6 (yes it’s been a long time)!! I’ll try more to write in a more gender neutral way when writing anything reader insert related that way you can enjoy my writing without feeling left out or anything!! Always let me know if there are things I can do better <3

Tw: maybe some cursing but overall should be wholesome

Wc: 0.54k

Criminal Minds Masterlist

Spencer Reid often came home dejected after a case gone wrong, it was often that he came home tired but happy after a successful case. It wasn’t often, however, that he came home excited for a break; but then again he hadn’t had a boyfriend to come home to on previous breaks. Now, as you watch him walk through the front door of your shared apartment, you can’t help but grin at the absolutely goofy look on his face.

“Emily gave us all 4 weeks off to rest after our latest case, so that means I get four WHOLE weeks of you to myself! Isn’t that great?” He lets out a giggle after he finishes speaking, putting his bag down on the kitchen counter. You didn’t even have to ask him why he was so giddy, he answered unprompted.

“It is great!” You try to match his energy, only seeing him this excited for the first time since you’ve met. He brings you into his embrace, hugging you so tightly that you think you might die if he squeezed you any tighter. “So what are your plans now that you’re a free man for four whole weeks?”

“Well we could go to the park and play chess, or stay here and play chess but I think the sunlight would be good for both of us. Or we could go to the movies, or take a class together, or…”

“Your plans are to just have dates with me every single day?” You ask, quirking an eyebrow.

He nods as if the answer is the most obvious, concrete fact in the universe. He looks at you, not as if you’re dumb, but as if to say ‘duh what else would I be planning to do?’.

The two of you move to sit on the couch, enveloped in each other as he talks about the many, many dates you’re going to go on now that he’s free from his time constricting job. “What if I don’t wanna do those things?” You ask playfully. He shrugs.

“It doesn’t matter what we do, as long as I get to do it with you”.

“Oh?” You look at him as if he said something scandalous, “I didn’t know you had that big of a crush on me.”

He shoves you gently, rolling his eyes at your attempt to joke off his sweet words.

“You’re joking but studies have found that couples who have regular date nights more often result in higher relationship satisfaction, better communication, and a stronger emotional connection. Us going on dates during these four weeks will be better for us in the long run.”

You don’t reply, or interrupt. It’s always amusing to listen to him ramble on and on about facts that he finds interesting or applicable to the conversation. And all it does is make you fall more in love with him, seeing how serious he is about your relationship working out in the future. He says that he loves you often, but it’s things like this; seeing and listening to how much he genuinely cares about your relationship.

Being the boyfriend of a pretty boy genius has its perks, and how much he cares about you compared to others is definitely one of them.

[youremyheaven]

How does sensuality work? I never understood (probably because I am way too stuck in the head). Sometimes I aspire to be honestly, though it doesn't come naturally unfortunately.

OMGGG I love this question 🤪✨😍

I consider myself very sensual 🥰🤪😜 and I realllyyy enjoy being in that energy 😌🫣🙈

First of all, lets begin by understanding what sensuality is and what it is not.

There is a world of difference between sexuality and sensuality. they're like night and day.

and you can be one without being another. because of the culture we live in, most people are sexual without being sensuous.

Sensual is understood as involving the five senses but also being sexually suggestive.

Sexual means relating to sex

Sensuality is more about enjoying yourself and life than it is about sexually pleasing or being sexually inviting. Sensual people seem more alive and vibrant because they truly enjoy the simple things and fine things, so they dont sweat the small stuff and usually maintain a calm and relaxed demeanour.

Sexual energy is more frantic, more wild, more aggressive. its very in your face and hard to miss. its someone asking you to give it to them, basically.

Sensuality is self-contentment and enjoying pleasure in all its many forms. be it food, music, dance, art, walking, looking at the sunset. A sensual person just enjoys absolutely everything. When you're in the presence of that energy, you feel similarly relaxed and open. They come across as warm, open and welcoming, its comfortable being around them. Someone who is fully alive will always naturally be perceived as "sexy" because they signal that they're open to enjoyment and pleasure.

All of these are subconscious impressions we form of people in nanoseconds, and whether we know it or not, we all pick up on energy and treat people accordingly. Why do we feel like being nicer to some people and standoffish with others??? its all down to the vibe. you can be a "good" person and still feel like you cant be good to some people who havent even done anything to you. its all just vibes.

I suggest reading Uses of the Erotic by Audre Lorde to understand this more. It's an essay and it's only a few pages long and she describes being erotic as a feeling of being alive.

pleasure activism by adrienne maree brown is another book i recommend on this topic.

now onto HOW to be sensual

Sensuality means being fully alive, open and vibrant. So in order to be sensual, you have to embody that.

You correctly said that you're too in your head and feel disconnected to sensuality because in order to be sensual, we have to get out of our head and into our bodies.

Sensuality necessitates forming a deep profound connection with our bodies.

This is why dancing is so sensual. just moving your body can feel so vulnerable but there is nothing as sexy or confident as someone who knows how to move???

there are many dance centered trauma release + "feminine flow" type activities. i know many of you get the ick from hearing things like "feminine flow" and i dont blame you lmao but being feminine, strictly energetically speaking means being relaxed, soft and flowing. thats Yin energy in Daoism.

dating in our era sucks because even men want princess treatment and it shows that Yin energy is def something that can be channelled by people regardless of gender lmfao xD

now many people have adopted a very harsh, aggressive "go-getting" approach to succeeding our toxic capitalist patriarchal world and whilst that might help us make some progress, we're constantly at the risk of burnout. so its in our best interest and for our long term well being to learn how to be chilled out and not sweat the small stuff.

think of Yin energy as the energy of being chilled out.

we can win and gain things by fighting for it but isnt it better to gain the same things in a softer gentler way??? you can work 200 hours a week, suck up to your boss and do all the extra work and someone else who does none of that will get 5 promotions while u get nothing. basically, life is not "fair", i.e, our efforts aren't necessarily going to be compensated for adequately and if you can get better results by doing less and chilling more, then whats the harm????

people who go far in life are often just people who are pleasant and fun to have around. look at any self-made individual and they'll have boat loads of charisma. whereas nepo babies wont even know how to hold a conversation bc they never had to lmao

anyways sorry for getting sidetracked (me everytime i talk lmao)

Do more body-centric activities to feel more connected to your body

this can be dancing, yoga, pilates or any exercise, or other hobbies like pottery, sewing, painting, basically anything you can do with the involvement of your body??? do that

they help you get out of your head and be in the here and now

being more present is like 50% of sensuality

and once you do things you care about more, you'll naturally shift to a place where you cut out things you dont enjoy and people you dont want to be around. youll enjoy life more. its all connected.

When you see someone with that raw earthy sexiness, don't they just seem so wild and free??

It's that. Someone who has that glow ✨

i hope this helped and provided some insights <333 i hope you get glowingggg <333

[doverstar]

Hello hello I was told by your lovely sister, one of my favorite people on the planet, to send you the same question I asked her to see what else you could say about it, since you write a lot of fanfiction and are more familiar with it than she said she was, so here I am!

I wanted to ask about fanfiction. I've really been thinking about that post Artist made about how a lot of fanfiction can be just used as a form of escapism, and not in a good way like Tolkien described it, but as a 'I hate life so I'm gonna read and write extensively about fictional characters rather than working hard/trying to improve my own life' Which I really want to avoid and not do. In the past I've certainly fallen into that trap- I would get so caught up in writing Marvel or Percy Jackson or Harry Potter fanfiction (not to toot my own horn, but was objectively good and I do think grew my skills a lot as a writer and character analyzer) that I would spend every free moment and many of ones when I really should've been working on school or chores or spending time with my actual family reading and writing it. I was probably doing that 5-8 hours a day when I was 11/12. (Yikes) Thankfully, my parents smacked some sense into me lol. It really just goes to show you how, for lack of a better term, soul-consuming, that these kind of fantasy pursuits can really be. Thankfully, I don't do that any more. I actively limit myself to a max of 3 hours of reading and writing fanfiction over the course of a week, which is a big improvement.

So yay! Now I have a definte separation from writing fanfiction to improve my writing and writing it to waste time because all of my energy is focused on it to the point where it is in my every thought. Good! Growth!

But now my new thing is this- I want to make sure that any and all fanfiction I write has a definite point. I want it to point to good things and have clear messages and blue flowers and point to Jesus, even if it isn't specifically a 'Christian' fanfiction.

But how do I go about this trying to intentionally bring in blue flowers and good messages and beautiful themes, and not just only write it for my entertainment because its a piece of media I love? How to I make sure to firstly know what themes I can bring in, and then do it in such a way that's well-written, while also being able to have those fun moments and situations that are both in the piece of media and I've thought up?

And finally, last thing, is I'm wrestling through if I should continue writing fanfiction to 'fix' a story (which is why I started a Percy Jackson and Marvel fanfictions, I wanted to take the parts of each story I didn't like and were poorly done and make them better) rather than make my own point with it. For most of the fanfiction writing I've ever done, my goal was to improve it, to act like a ghostwriting editor the author hired to fix their fundamentally flawed story. But now I'm realizing that I was spending so much time and effort (which don't get me wrong, I do not fully regret, I really do think that I've gotten far better at fiction writing through this) and I didn't even add any more goodness or morals to the story in a way that made it more soul-sustaining and truly good. I wanted to add a lot of bits that made be as a reader squeal and get happy over which... I don't think is bad per say, but its not what I want my fanfiction to be like any more. With my writing, I absolutely do want to improve on the source material, yes, but I also want to figure out what sort of themes and goodness I'm going for with it. So should I continue writing these large projects (cause each piece covers several books/movies) for improvement and also try to expand on the good ideas and themes the authors had, even bringing in my own, or should I just set it aside as that was great, but now I need to focus on making writing morally good and not just for entertainment?

I know a big part of this is wisdom and descretion- things that God has blessed me with but I know I always can pursue more of. So I know a absolute perfect answer to this question will require time and experience. But after sorting through my word-vomiting (sorry lol), what would you say to all of this? Thank you!! <3 I love you and your blog so much btw!

Golly, what a question! I haven't seen what Arti answered yet - I've been at work - but I'm on break now, so I can give it a try! I bet I'll end up saying a lot of what she said, making this an unnecessary and VERY LONG read, but here goes-

I do write a lot of fanfiction, and I have been since I was 8 (aka for a long, long time, gosh I'm old-). I wrestle with a lot of what you've described! I've been on the brink of quitting fanfiction altogether lately; there will come a time when I need to "grow up" in that area and commit to only writing what's just mine. I do have original stories, original worlds, original characters, but like you, when I want to practice and learn, I turn to fanfiction. It's a wonderful platform in that sense!

I would say you're right on the money when it comes to what the Lord has gifted you with. You should use wisdom, and you should use discretion. Your writing should be used to point to what's true, and there should be intention in no matter what you're creating. We're not only called to glorify God, we're called to excellence. Everything we do should be done to the best of our ability!

And what you believe, if you really believe it - about what's true, about how we ought to live and what's important - is definitely going to bleed through into whatever you write. It's the truth, and you've found it, and it can't help coming out. Making something (writing in particular) requires pieces of us, and if that's the case, then our Christianity (for lack of a better phrase) is going to show up in our stories. Even if the characters belong to someone else.

If you find yourself writing a story just to squeal over a ship, just to get secondhand butterflies when the male lead's being dreamy, just to vent some sort of difficult emotion you're dealing with or live vicariously through a character, you should close the laptop. I've written plenty of things that make me feel happy or excited (like you said, that's not bad!) but if that's the only reason you're writing it, it's a waste. And on another, semi-related note, a lot of people only write fanfiction to indulge in emotional pornography. It's not as steep a slope as you might think. When my father-in-law gets just a little drunk every night before bed, it's still sin. It doesn't matter how much or how long it lasts. He's still drunk, and he shouldn't be. So be careful! (she said, to herself, often-)

As for writing just to fix a story - if it's bothering you, and you see what they ought to have done, I say go for it, and here's why: it's teaching you something. It's you figuring out why what the source material did was dissatisfying, and it's you figuring out how your alternative is better. You're essentially teaching yourself what not to do. Now, if you want to write it and fix it and you want to keep the focus on good things, true things, there's still a way to do that. Work out what was good and true already about the source material and draw from that when it comes to theme.

I use a Notes document. I'm not talking about the Notes app on smartphones, I'm saying I open a Word document (or whatever your equivalent is!) for every single thing I write (fanfiction, original, etc.) and I entitle it "[Insert Story Title Here] - Notes.doc" and then I word-vomit at myself. I write at the top what the theme of my writing is going to be this time, and why, and underneath that I explain to myself where I see those good and true themes in the source material and how I'm going to magnify them and use them to point to the truth (specifically some Christian truths) in my story now. I figure out how it will all work and feel canon and then I move on to the pre-write for each chapter. It's good practice, it's great fun, and it keeps me on course when I start to drift into self-indulgence during the writing process. It's fun to visit Atlantica and Stars Hollow and get inside Caitlin Snow's head and show the world why I think Rose Tyler is the best thing to ever happen to Doctor Who - but all of those things can pull me away from the messages I'm trying to communicate.

Fanfiction should not be escapism. I cannot write when I am freaking out. I cannot write when I'm miserable, or angry, or fighting with someone. When I'm low emotionally and my spirit is scratched, I can't complete a single sentence. I can't. I think the Lord did that in me for a reason. I don't use fanfiction to escape reality or to deal with reality. When I was younger, I considered a day when I wasn't writing to be a wasted day. I needed to write. I needed to make something. But I prioritized that over reality, and yes, that is sin. I wasn't escaping, but I was idolizing, and that's wrong. I'm impressed by your self-inflicted limits! I could've done with that at 12 myself.

Fanfiction shouldn't be all self-indulgence, either. Yes, you ought to have some fun when you're making things. But have self-control! I love writing fanfiction and drawing and editing videos. I love it. It's so much fun to me. I get genuine joy out of it. And when I look at something I'm making, I say to myself, "Self, is this a waste of time? Does that part need to be in there or are you just playing?" And then I examine my motives and I examine the thing I'm worried about and I determine whether or not it takes you out of the story or draws you away from the themes (in writing specifically) or if it's okay to add because it's pleasant and matches one of the good, lovely, honorable, etc. things that are true in life that God allows us to have and enjoy, because He's just that good. And then I have to either say to myself, "Self, this is fattening," and delete it, or I say to myself "Hey, dolphins twirl," and leave it in, making sure I'm still on course.

Dolphins twirl! Why? We don't know why they twirl! God does. God made them twirl. God made them animals that play. He didn't have to do that! He didn't have to make the leaves change color. He looked at His creation and called it good when He was finished (you know, before we ruined it). He took pleasure in creating. We can too - as long as it's not pulling us or our readers off course. My husband doesn't have to be a good dancer to fit the biblical picture of a man I ought to marry - but he is a good dancer, on top of fitting what I should have been looking for biblically, and God knew that, and God did that, and I get to enjoy it and enjoying it is not wrong. Dolphins twirl!

Like I said, I'm close myself to putting fanfiction aside on the whole, because I can tell, probably because of the Lord, that it's nearly time for that. It's time to look up and make something more real, for more real reasons. If you're thinking it's about time for that for you, too, pray about it. Writing fanfiction is like anything else fun the Lord has blessed us with (everything good comes from God) - it's fun and good as long as you aren't misusing it. Everything in moderation. People take stories they love and characters they connect to and go and interact with them through fanfiction in a bad way, for bad reasons (or just reasons that are useless to man and beast), and I've done that before myself. I've been one of them. But it's not wrong to expand on the good and true things in stories we love, the things that are in line with what we know God invented, and it's not wrong to hone your craft and learn how to use what you've been given with excellence, so that when the time comes for you to write your own story that points to God, you're ready!

You don't want to be wasting your time or the talents you've been given. I say keep thinking about it, and remember why you do what you do. Stay on course! That's my advice.

Thanks for asking me!

[artist-issues]

Hello hello I have very big and complicated questions that started out broad and complex but got more and more specific and more and more personal like my questions to my family and friends always do. Whoops lol. Buckle up.

I wanted to ask about fanfiction. I've really been thinking about that post you made about how a lot of fanfiction can be just used as a form of escapism, and not in a good way like Tolkien described it, but as a 'I hate life so I'm gonna read and write extensively about fictional characters rather than working hard/trying to improve my own life' Which I really want to avoid and not do. In the past I've certainly fallen into that trap- I would get so caught up in writing Marvel or Percy Jackson or Harry Potter fanfiction (not to toot my own horn, but was objectively good and I do think grew my skills a lot as a writer and character analyzer) that I would spend every free moment and many of ones when I really should've been working on school or chores or spending time with my actual family reading and writing it. I was probably doing that 5-8 hours a day when I was 11/12. (Yikes) Thankfully, my parents smacked some sense into me lol. It really just goes to show you how, for lack of a better term, soul-consuming, that these kind of fantasy pursuits can really be. Thankfully, I don't do that any more. I actively limit myself to a max of 3 hours of reading and writing fanfiction over the course of a week, which is a big improvement.

So yay! Now I have a definte separation from writing fanfiction to improve my writing and writing it to waste time because all of my energy is focused on it to the point where it is in my every thought. Good! Growth!

But now my new thing is this- I want to make sure that any and all fanfiction I write has a definite point. I want it to point to good things and have clear messages and blue flowers and point to Jesus, even if it isn't specifically a 'Christian' fanfiction.

For example, let's just point at that Voice in the Dark one shot I wrote, which is one of, if not the, best singular fiction piece that I've written. I think the reasons why it was so good was that A) I expanded on the story in a way that was intriguing, and got inside my characters heads and accurately depicted their thought processes through it B) Made it pleasant to read with details and action and emotion and everything, C) set everything up for a part 2 conclusion of Sam and Five really connecting and talking about what they both said/thought, and becoming friends (which after procrastinating for months, I'm finally working on), but most importantly, D) Had clear themes of hope, perseverance, connection, trust, and encouragement. Which is really what I think made it so much more excellent than other fanfiction pieces I've written. I had a clear point and intention going into it that was more than just 'Have it be something I love and just for my entertainment' although that was one of the reasons I did decide to write it I will say- you do have to love what you want to write in order to write it well after all. But this is absolutely what I want the point of all my fanfiction writing to be like from here on out, being morally great, as well as well-written.

So now, because I really enjoy ZR and its really is kinda perfect for a fanfiction format, I want to turn it into more of an ongoing piece with my favorite missions and Five's relationships with the characters. But how do I go about this trying to intentionally bring in blue flowers and good messages and beautiful themes, and not just only write it for my entertainment because its a piece of media I love? How to I make sure to firstly know what themes I can bring in, and then do it in such a way that's well-written, while also being able to have those fun moments and situations that are both in the game and I've thought up?

And finally, last thing, is I'm wrestling through if I should continue writing fanfiction to 'fix' a story (which is why I started a Percy Jackson and Marvel fanfictions, I wanted to take the parts of each story I didn't like and were poorly done and make them better) rather than make my own point with it. For most of the fanfiction writing I've ever done, my goal was to improve it, to act like a ghostwriting editor the author hired to fix their fundamentally flawed story. But now I'm realizing that I was spending so much time and effort (which don't get me wrong, I do not fully regret, I really do think that I've gotten far better at fiction writing through this) and I didn't even add any more goodness or morals to the story in a way that made it more soul-sustaining and truly good. I wanted to add a lot of bits that made be as a reader squeal and get happy over which... I don't think is bad per say, but its not what I want my fanfiction to be like any more. With my writing, I absolutely do want to improve on the source material, yes, but I also want to figure out what sort of themes and goodness I'm going for with it. So should I continue writing these large projects (cause each piece covers several books/movies) for improvement and also try to expand on the good ideas and themes the authors had, even bringing in my own, or should I just set it aside as that was great, but now I need to focus on making writing morally good and not just for entertainment?

I know a big part of this is wisdom and descretion- things that God has blessed me with but I know I always can pursue more of. So I know a absolute perfect answer to this question will require time and experience. But after sorting through my word-vomiting (sorry lol), what would you say to all of this? Thank you!! <3

Hey! First of all, I love getting questions from you, and I especially love it because you take enough time to read the previous things I say that we can have a very level conversation, and a deep back-and-forth, which is not always the case with everybody who sends me questions (I like those questions too, I’m just saying.) So thanks for typing all that up!

Second of all, I’m no expert on fanfiction writing. You’ve read what I have to say about making sure the “Tone & Style” and “Themes” of any “Continued Work” stay true to their source material when it comes to like, sequels and expansions? Well, I guess I would apply that philosophy, generally, to fanfiction, too.

But the point of my “second of all” is actually, there are better people to ask about this than me. I can answer you in a broad “here’s how I apply my storytelling philosophy to this hypothetical scenario” sense, but other people have more experience actually doing what you’re talking about with fanfiction. Specifically, @doverstar, who, if you don’t follow her or read her stuff, I seriously think you’re missing out.

So in summary, talk to Doverstar. She’ll answer this better. But if I had to try and succinctly respond, I’d say: “Intentionality is always better than doing something by accident. But if you genuinely value goodness, beauty, and truth, in your own personal worldview, in a way that is genuine, and you cultivate that…it’ll come out in your writing on accident.” So in a way, even when you’re being intentional, as long as you remember that, you don’t have to be too militant whether you’re writing fanfiction or fiction.

(That’s a thought I’m still learning to put into practice, myself. I err on the side of “control everything to a T, outline everything, everything has to have a tie-in to the theme—if it doesn’t you’re failing—“ and I don’t recommend that mindset 😅) That’s the “short” answer to your ask. I’ve got a deep-dive below the cut if you’re interested, though.

How do I make sure to firstly know what themes I can bring in?

This has to do with knowing the source-story.

ZR unfortunately gets very political and social in further seasons, but to do it credit, the main, recurring, broad theme of Zombies, Run continues to be “Something greater than yourself is all that’s worth living and dying for.”

They keep coming back to it with literally every villain, and every hero, from multiple angles. You’ll see. They say, “the pursuit of pure happiness alone is bad because it’s selfish—the pursuit of immortality is bad because it’s selfish—the pursuit of everyone’s affections is bad because it’s selfish; but sacrificing for others is the real happiness, the real immortality, the real love, etc.”

So any fanfiction—even if, surface-read, it appears to be about Five falling in love with Sam or Janine learning to communicate, etc—that comes back to “Something greater than yourself is all that’s worth living and dying for.” is a success. Because it carried on the Main Point of ZR. Or it carried on a point that could be tied to the main point, whatevs.

But your question (for other fandoms) is “How do I know what themes I can bring in?”

Okay, well, that’s actually not so hard. Lots of “sub-themes” fit under the umbrella of the main theme. “Something greater than yourself,” well, that entails “self-sacrifice, gaining a broader perspective, finding empathy,” etc. (something you can see they do with sheltered characters or brittle, mission-focused miopic characters like Janine.)

But how did I find the main theme to begin with? This post. In summary:

Take in the Story, With the Single Expectation that They’re Trying to Tell You Something.

Take Note of Where You Felt Something. Then Figure Out Why You Felt It.

Figure Out What Each Character Wants, and If They Have a Moment of Change.

Look at What Decisions the Storytellers Reward, and What Decisions They Punish.

You can apply this to Marvel, to Percy Jackson, to anything. Once you figure out the main theme, it’s not so hard to break that down into little supporting ideas. And inject those into your own story. And you can even figure out where the storytellers dropped the ball, or lost their theme and did something totally out-of-character, and then fix that with your fanfiction.

Or, galaxy-brain, is when you figure out what the story was trying to say—and it was saying something bad or wrong, but you liked some of the setting or characterizations, you can fix that. Like I’ve always wanted to do with A Streetcar Named Desire.

What you don’t want to do is try to make the story about a theme that has nothing to do with any good or true thing—it’s just gratuitous. For example, I see about sixty fanfics for Twisters (one of my new favorite movies, you may recall) and they’re all about Tyler (the main guy) needing to be defended from his abusive alcoholic dad.

There is no mention of his dad, or alcohol, or Tyler having any emotional trauma, at all, in Twisters. Because the point of the movie Twisters is the girl character’s trauma (and her best friend’s,) and Tyler’s role in all of that is to be the guy who pushes her past that. Because he’s lived a lifestyle of “you ride your fears, you don’t run from them, you don’t even just face them.”

So why would a character who’s whole conception, who was created to say that, be curled up in a sad little miserable ball because his out-of-nowhere made-up father is back in town? He wouldn’t do that. His lifestyle is “ride your fears.” He’d be the guy reaching out and inviting his dad to lunch to see if something he does can make the outcome different, even though his dad never shows up, or always makes a scene, or whatever, because that would be “riding his fears.” That’s Tyler’s character. So why would you have him curl into a little ball and need his 126-lb girlfriend to defend him?

I’ll tell you why, it’s because the point of your story was not the point of Twisters, or anything good. The point of your story was, “I have a thing for emotional scenes where a man gets all weak and vulnerable and needs his love interest to take care of him,” and it shows. So you just hung skin-puppets and names of established characters on “your thing” and that’s trash storytelling. The characters are supposed to serve the story, and the story is supposed to serve the audience, not serve you.

That would be an extreme example of what not to do.

And then do it in such a way that's well-written, while also being able to have those fun moments and situations that are both in the game and I've thought up?

If my fanfic is all about Sam and Five coming clean about their feelings together, that’s fine—but they should be driven to do that because not doing that is selfish. And selfishness is the opposite of “something greater than yourself is all that’s worth living and dying for.” So I’d have Sam avoid admitting to himself that Five means so much to him because if he does, he opens himself up to crippling worry after what happened to Alice. So out of fear, which is ultimately self-protection, he doesn’t admit that he has feelings for her. But then eventually he comes to realize that caring about someone else actually drives him to work harder for the Greater Good, etc.

See what I mean? Your fanfic can be a string of scenes of will-they-won’t-they, romcom popcorn, as long as the thread holding them together is that character arc that points back to the game’s main theme.

To make it well-written, you just have to be genuine. I know everyone has lots of good tips like “show don’t tell” but books like Jane Eyre tell much more than they show. Some people say, “break up the pace with dialogue,” or “cut the tension with comedy, then ramp it back up,” etc., but there’s no cut to the tension in Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. There’s breaks to every rule. There’s an audience for every style. Just do what C. S. Lewis says and “tell the truth, without caring two pence if it’s original.”

If you know your source material and love the loveable parts for what it is, and then you marry that with what you really believe and value in the real world, you’ll get it.

Know what you’re trying to say, love what you’re trying to say, and sacrifice to say it.

I think now that you’re thinking about this stuff, you’re going to have a hard time not writing something morally good, with entertainment as a supporting pillar.

[mylovesstuffs]

2024 recap —

@mylovesstuffs

Hey, I've had my eyes on you...we just met but it's been fun, I wanna know more ~ (_world)

First Post: December 26th, 2024

New Followers (In Just 6 Days!): 65 (crazy, right?!)

I only started writing here a few days ago, and the journey (I shouldn't call it a journey yet) so far has been absolutely wild! Heres a breakdown of my stats and highlights for the last week of 2024 (yes, its that fresh and I'm still doing it so that I can playback again next year):

★ Top Posts (In Just a Few Days!)

Seungcheol is THAT type of boyfriend - 182 notes

After Hours - 133 notes

OT13 reaction to, "When we break up, _____," text prank - 131 notes

OT13 reactions to, "Let's breakup" text prank - 115 notes

Jeonghan is THAT type of boyfriend - 99 notes

(These posts gained so much love in such a short time of 6 days—Im honestly speechless!)

★ Writing Stats

Total Words Written: ±14.03k words

Total Contents Posted:

6 reactions

6 MTLs

4 oneshots

1 series - 3 parts

5 answered asks

★ Personal Favorites

Here are some of my favorites from my first week:

FRI(END)S and More Than Pancakes: These two were so fun to write and made my heart quench and giggle, so I can't really choose just one as my most favourite TT

After Hours: I loved diving into this concept of friends with benefits/coworkers with benefits, it’s a piece that still feels new to me but I still enjoyed writing it regardless

SEVENTEEN is THAT type of boyfriend series: I got so immersed and carried away writing this—it’s so unhinged lmao, but I’m so happy that this series was the first to get the most love and traction since I enjoyed writing it too

★ Fav Bloggers/Writer's (idk the exact term here; these are not in any particular order since I love all of their works.) 💎

@fairyhaos @sleepyparalysisdmon @saythename17scenarios (not active:() @xinganhao @hannieehaee @hoshifighting @okiedokrie

🎯 Goals for 2025

Keep the momentum going and post consistently

Write more diverse contents of BTS and SEVENTEEN

Experiment with drabbles, and maybe even start a fic with parts

Interact more with everyone—Q&A sessions, games, and lots of fun!

Make friends and moots

Hit 1k followers (dream big y'all!) and make 2025 even more creative and fulfilling

💜 Thank You ! 💎

I know, I know—it’s only been a few days since I started this on December 26th, and it might seem like there isn’t much to thank for yet, but hear me out. In just these few short days, I’ve been genuinely amazed by how much love and support I’ve received. The kind of response I’ve gotten feels like something I should be thanking the universe for, considering I’m still in my newbie phase of Tumblr. You all came through, and it honestly blew me away. Even though I didn’t expect anything this early on, you’ve made it feel like I’ve been part of this wonderful community for much longer.

I’ve always believed that when you start something new, no matter how small, it’s the people who make the experience worth it—and you guys have proven that in spades. Whether you’ve followed, liked, reblogged, or just casually checked out my posts, it means more to me than I can express. The fact that 65 (I’ve been on Tumblr for much longer, but I’m counting from the time I started gaining traction, which was after I began writing.) of you have decided to follow along this early on? That’s honestly crazy in the best way possible. It’s a little surreal, tbh, and makes me feel like I’m on the right track.

As someone who’s still figuring things out, your support has made all the difference, whether it’s been through a simple like or dropping a comment that made my day. I’m still getting used to everything, and the fact that you’ve been here for this small but meaningful start is something I will never take for granted.

So again, thank you—seriously, thank you. I’m excited to keep this journey going with all of you, and who knows, maybe I’ll end up embarrassing myself with some more quirky posts along the way. Again, to everyone who followed, liked, reblogged, or even just stopped by my blog in the last few days: thank you for making this start so incredible. Im beyond excited for what 2025 has in store! Let me know your favorite post so far, and feel free to drop requests in my ask box.

—★

I can give you everything you want, down to your darkest sides

[tlbodine]

Overthinking Goosebumps

It's been a long, ugly year for me. So I suppose it shouldn't be a surprise that I've be craving some intense comfort and nostalgia this fall. Which is, I think, why I found myself gripped by a sudden and intense desire to re-read the the Goosebumps books.

Like every horror-loving Millennial, I cut my teeth on R.L. Stine books. The Haunted Mask was the first chapter book I remember reading, checking it out from the library on a whim. I was 7 years old and completely enthralled.

I spent my weekly $5 allowance on Goosebumps as often as I could and read them from libraries all over the country as we traveled. I didn't have a complete set -- my interest waned by the end of the run, as I'd shifted over to Animorphs -- but I did have a couple dozen of them that I foolishly donated. I haven't touched one of these books in 20 years.

So when the craving hit, replacing my copies felt expensive and daunting. They're collector's items that are worth more than the $3.99 I paid for them in the first place. So I tried to quell my craving by watching videos of people who had done a "read every Goosebumps book challenge," except that just made me want to read them more.

Then I found a bunch of them in audio. They just so happen to be the perfect length to knock out in a day or two of commuting - 2-3 hours per book. A perfect indulgence. I started listening and discovered that not only was I enjoying myself, but that I even had some big thoughts! So, hell, why not blog it?

No promises that I'll blog about every one that I read, and no telling how far I'll make it into the series before my enthusiasm wears off, but for now...I'm overthinking Goosebumps.

So follow along at the "#overthinking goosebumps" tag and come tell me about YOUR experience with these books!

Some General Notes

There are a few things that are kind of a given for every Goosebumps book, which I'll acknowledge here so I don't have to re-tread the same ground over and over in future reviews:

Every chapter ends on a cliffhanger. A lot of those cliffhangers are fake "gotchas" and a lot of the stories rely heavily on practical joker characters in order to add some conflict. Sometimes this is more annoying than others, but I can't really fault Stine for doing it. These were pulpy books for young reluctant readers. When you're 7 years old, this kind of stuff keeps you engaged.

Every book has a twist. At least, most of them do. Some of these twists are better than others. I'll probably talk about a lot of them, but just...you have to go into this anticipating that a lot of these books are shaggy dog stories.

Adults are useless. That's just middle-grade fiction for you. Kids don't want to read about parents solving problems. They want to read about kids having cool adventures.

Oh yeah - I also may mention the TV show from time to time, but I was not much of a fan of the show. I know a lot of other people are nostalgic about it, but I didn't like it as a kid and it certainly hasn't aged well. The effects look cheap, the acting is uniformly terrible, and the episodes generally aren't well-adapted from the books. So sorry if I piss on your parade when I bring up episodes in relation to the books. The theme song is a banger though.

The average Goosebumps book is around 20-25k in length. Stine released a new one every month for the entirety of its 62-book run. He was writing these in a couple weeks. EDIT: Apparently he did employ some ghostwriters, which is news to me and makes me sad, but I still respect him anyway. His background in magazine and TV writing really shows through with these, both in terms of speed, process, and humor.

(I admire the hell out of R.L. Stine. I got to very briefly meet him at NYCC and thank him for his influence. It was great.)

Ok. Fangirl flexing over.

Looking forward to re-visiting these books and giving some of the ol' classic T.L. Bodine deep-dive treatment to them ;)

[dk-wren]

Buddy Daddies Week - Ep. 1-4 Rewatch

Welcome to Day 2 of my Buddy Daddies Celebration Week! Today, I present to you some of my thoughts and musings from my rewatch of the whole series. Today will focus on episodes 1-4, with my thoughts and reactions for the remaining episodes being posted throughout the rest of the week.

For some reason (I honestly don’t know why), I was very adamant that the main timeline would eventually cross paths with the prologue and we’d see those events again or perhaps it would be referenced in a later episode. Obviously, it never did. And so thinking about it now, if I had to place where the prologue happened, I would guess between episodes 5 and 6 (I know this isn’t necessarily anything new or groundbreaking. This is just me going through my thoughts).

I was originally thinking sometime between Episode 4-6 since Rei had slowly begun his process of opening himself up to loving and taking care of Miri, or accepting that he is her papa. Episode 4 was my starting guess because that’s where we’re introduced to Miss Anna, and Miri actually starts attending daycare. Additionally, Rei is still a little reserved or closed off at this point. However, based on the first scene of ep. 5 and Kazuki’s financial gymnastics, it seems like it’s been awhile since their last mission. Which to me, wouldn’t make sense for them to go on the prologue mission between these two episodes. Rei’s walls start to come down some more in ep 5, and Kazuki and Rei both agree that they kinda need to take on a few more jobs to make a living. With Miri getting mad at Kazuki and fully letting him know how much she loves Rei, I feel anything after ep 6 would make the prologue mission feel out of place in terms of Rei’s behavior. Additionally, by this point it seems like Rei had slowly begun to help out more around the house and with Miri. Therefore, with Rei and Kazuki needing to complete the mission they were on in the prologue, but Rei seemingly not as observant or involved with taking care of Miri, that is why I am placing the events of the prologue between episodes 5 and 6.

The way the kitty just snuggles up next to Rei! She knows she’s safe and protected next to him (and maybe that he’s always been a good person who is capable of loving another!!!)

Rei seems to have some understanding of Christmas, did he celebrate this when he was younger? Since that seems highly unlikely, did he just pick up on it and learn over time? Or did Rei experience his first true Christmas living with Kazuki?!

Random thought of the episode…is this their truck? Where do they park it/store it since we only see it on missions?

Love how Miri's priorities are cake first, finding papa second

Is it bad that it took me reading someone’s post on here to realize Kazuki and their target, Atsushi Hayami, were meant to look similar? Like I see it now, but on a first watch, I was completely oblivious to it.

This opening!!! I remember watching this scene for the first time and just thinking to myself, yep, that’s a four year old. And Kazuki, this man is already questioning everything. But also, despite being the one who is more prepared to be a father, I like how this scene shows how there are things that Kazuki is learning and may not have considered without experience

I don’t know a whole lot about name honorifics or modifies in Japanese, but I love how after Rei rejects “Papa” Kazuki still tries to keep it a family name with “Uncle” (before settling with “Rei-kun” for this episode and part of the following one).

Based on his reaction, I get a feeling this was the first time Kazuki made Rei french toast. If so, I wonder if Miri asked for Kazuki to make it or if he just decided that’s what would be for breakfast

Out of context, this scene is still pretty funny, like Miri managed to destroy their apartment in probably a few hours at most. When I watched this clip the first time, I always thought when Rei said “cover” (at least, according to the translation), he was talking to Kazuki. As in, to keep Miri distracted, they told her they were playing hide and seek, with Miri hiding and they would be the ones to find her. After watching the episode, I picked up that Rei was meant to be directing that comment at Miri, which I love how seriously he says it like its an actual critique. Just goes to show I guess how much Rei has grown over the course of the show in his approach to playing with/talking to Miri.

Moment of appreciation for this iconic scene!

I feel like I should have taken this post credit scene more seriously when it came out because wow did it do a good job of formally introducing Ogino and just what would be in store when this fun little family comedy took a turn

How do I hug little Rei while simultaneously punch Shigeki?

I really enjoy how despite Kazuki trying to get Rei to take on the title “papa” or “uncle” in the previous episode, both he and Miri respect that he doesn’t want to be called either name and generally will use “-kun” instead

Even though up until this point, Rei hasn’t been actively shown to take the lead in caring for or wanting to keep Miri, I love how he can already see right through Kazuki’s stance that they should return Miri to her mother

I’d argue this exchange just goes to show how much Miri already loves and accepts Rei as her papa, even if he does not actively return the gesture. She wants to know where he is and when Kazuki says he doesn’t know, she actively goes out to try and find him. Then, she comforts him in ways she’s probably familiar with: staying by his side and by saying the smile spell

This man is a hitman and (as we learn in a later episode) used to do gaming all-nighters, but is absolutely dead after playing for no more than a few hours with Miri. Another very accurate portrayal of how draining spending time with children can be, in terms of keeping up with their energy level

Based on the brief background given about Misaki and the impressions at least I took away from this episode, I wonder if this is what Misaki told Miri about who her father was and why he was not present in their lives

Nothing to add, just gonna leave this scene here.

While I totally understand Kazuki and Rei’s reactions, and empathize with the messes Miri is accidentally creating, it says a lot about Miri in how she wants to spend time with both of them and/or help out with chores

One of my favorite, small moments, is the two times in this episode where music is playing as Kazuki and Miri start walking in one direction, with Rei heading the other way, only for the music to cut abruptly and show Rei forced to go wherever the other two are headed

As Miri is figuring out daycare herself, I think it’s sweet how her future friends, Kotori and Hinata, are the ones to somewhat explain why they don’t want to play with Miri (and why the other children feel the same way)

This post credit scene or the one from ep 4 is probably my favorite. Just another example of Miri showing how much love she has for her two papas. I also can’t help but wonder how many items in Miri’s room were chosen by her (aside from toys and decor) and how many were chosen by Kazuki and Rei? Also, how long did this take them? And please tell me that Kazuki dragged Rei with him as they went furniture shopping.

Also, if Miri only got her room at the end of the episode, where did she sleep the two nights they went shopping? Because in the beginning of the episode, Miri is still seen sleeping on the couch, but both times all of their shopping bags are covering the area where the sofa is. I think I’m looking to hard into this…

.

.

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Thank you again for your support and for reading this post!

I hope you enjoyed reading some of my thoughts and random questions I had while rewatching this show (which I decided to edit down since this post would have gotten really really long otherwise-debating if I wanna post my full, unedited thoughts though at a later point). I think they do a good job of capturing the way my brain normally works, so yeah...

Anyways, hope to see you again tomorrow!

-Dakota Wren

[studentbyday]

src: study with merve (+ last night's journal entry lol) D-50 DAYS TO FREEDOM

whether or not i think i can, i *do* really feel more motivated to try when i tell myself i can do it. so here i am, in the darkest hours of the semester playing catch up, and telling myself it's possible, regardless of the outcome. also apparently what i need to do is vent out all the negativity and the reasons why and only THEN can i have space for smth more positive/constructive and believe it... ^^

learning:

finish psyc lab ✅ (still not done with the chapters for this week but worse be to worse i double up on psyc this week, doing 1 ch per day for 5 days bc there's only 2 ch next week, wooo!)

finish mol bio sections 1-3 ✅ (i have 7 slides left to section 3 and absolutely need to finish the sections 4-5 tmr bc there's a quiz on monday about this stuff)

finish biochem sections 4-half of 6 (i will be happy if i get this done tmr and finish the last 2 sections on monday bc *technically* this module continues into next week but the homework is due on tuesday. i guess the reason another module wasn't assigned next week is bc we need to get the first draft of our term paper in early the following week 😬 i aM tOtAlLy NoT sTrEsSeD aBoUt ThIsSsSsSs - okayokay DEEP BREATHS. i can do this.)

email questions about biochem assignment feedback i just received ✅

self-care:

physio exercises ✅

(also low-key proud of my screen time today, LET'S KEEP IT THAT WAY SHALL WE???? planning to keep my phone in another room whenever i want/need real unbroken focus time)

[ellieslaces]

an ode to my Ellie’s switchblade tattoo 🌿🗡️ ☟

there are pictures of a tattoo under the cut, some may have blood. proceed with caution if you are squeamish with blood <3 / there’s a long explanation of this tattoo under the pictures!

stencil ; I moved the stencil around 3 times before I decided the placement was perfect! (my artist told me I was low maintenance because I only moved it three times and we only had to use one piece of stencil) (also, ft. my Jill shirt another artist complimented!)

freshly done ; around 5 minutes after being tattooed on my arm! (picture by my artist!)

20 minutes later ; in my car about to drive home, covered in sani-derm (which I later realized doesn’t get along well with my skin) excited to go home and get some sleep (really I stared at it the rest of the night)

a week later ; here she is a week later, still itchy and still a little peel-y, but she’s healing really well. every time someone sees it, they ask what the significance is, and I get to talk about Ellie <3

🌿🗡️🌿

when considering my first ever tattoo, I knew I wanted something The Last of Us themed. I contemplated getting Ellie’s tattoo, but it is quite large and would have been very expensive. I also just have no desire to have a tattoo that big.

I considered some quotes as well, such as “when you’re lost in the darkness, look for the light” (double meaning bc it’s the Firefly motto and Ellie’s name literally means ‘light’) or “if I ever were to lose you, I’d surely lose myself”. but I decided against lettering as lettering bleeds if not done in thick lining and runs the risk of being misspelled.

I still have an ambition to get the moths Ellie draws in her journal in pt. 2, but that’s for the future. I also heavily considered getting something like the giraffe scene or something about the birthday flash back from pt. 2. but, for now, I went with a simple decision of getting Ellie’s switchblade.

it is essentially a black and grey replica of her switchblade on my outer left wrist (a twist tattoo basically). it is around 4 inches and actually very detailed for being so small.

I sat on this particular design and location for about a week before I caved and went to talk with my artist. (although I’ve wanted a TLOU tattoo for a little over a year now) he got me in the next day and did my tattoo. in all, I was there for a little over an hour and in the chair for around 40 minutes.

this tattoo actually means so much to me as The Last of Us video game series is one of my all time favorite things in this world, and my favorite games. I’ve Platinumed one of the games and am working to Platinum the other. I have hundreds of hours worth of gameplay of both games combined. this series of games means a lot to me for some emotional reasons. one of them (and maybe the biggest) being it helped me come to terms with my sexuality. which sounds a little silly, but it’s true.

I love these games, and Ellie as well. I find her relatable to me and I have a deep love for her and the plot itself. while I no longer support Druckman or Naughty Dog, these games will always have a huge significance to me and will always be close to my heart <3

[kumoriyami-xiuzhen]

Hakuoki Shinkai Tenun no Shou Stellaworth Booklet "Her Long Day" Part 1

Sorry this is late... but I was pretty busy yesterday, and I likely will have to push next week's translation to the following Monday or Tuesday as I'll be travelling soon and won't have access to my laptop for a period of time... alternatively, I'll just translate more next Thursday because this story has 12 sections, one for each of the routes.

Though I'm having eye problems again so maybe not... 😢

Hakuoki Shinkai Tenun no Shou Stellaworth Booklet "Her Long Day" Part 1

translation by KumoriYami

Note up top... so before all the "x character moment" text, there's a term... which I'm not entirely sure what to do with. I'm pretty sure there are Japanese equivalents of what the hour ranges are referred to, but I've left them as they are in Chinese since I'm not sparing time to fix things right now but the range of time themselves are then specified in the "《X~Y o'clock》" part that follows after. I have no idea if it's like that in the booklet, but as it was in the tl I translated, I decided to keep it as is.

Maoshi · Souma Moment 《5~7 o'clock》

Everyday, I always begin with hearing birdsongs.

"......Nn.....Nnn......"

The singing voices of the sparrows that rested in the backyard served in place as an alarm clock and reverberated into my eyes.

I wanted to sleep a bit more, I tried to say so as my eyelids fluttered...

The hazy morning light came in through the sliding door and caressed my cheeks.

"......Is it.... morning..... already.......?"

To be honest, I didn't sleep last well last night, but it was my turn to cook breakfast today….

As someone in the care of the Shinsengumi, I can't procrastinate.

"Alright, i need to go wash my face...!"

I got up, and straightened myself up.

After getting dressed, I went into the corridor and the cool morning air enveloped my body.

Everyone was still sleeping, so I need to be careful to not wake them up.

As I thought that while walking toward the well, I was startled by a sound coming from the courtyard.

"——Hei! Ha! Huah!"

"....Huh, Souma-kun?"

His sword carved an arc of light and shadow, repeatedly tearing through the early morning air.

I was drawn to the by the unembellished shining blade without any confusion [???], and stared intently at Souma-kun, who after noticing my presence, stopped training.

"Ah, Yukimura-senpai. Good morning."

"Nn, good morning… You've started training this early?"

"Yes. I wanted to move my body before everyone gets up."

"Even so, you woke up early, right…"

It was almost an hour before everyone else would wake up.

Originally, pages slept later than others due to being busy with chores. Could Souma-kun still rest properly after waking up so early...?

Souma-kun didn't seem to see my concerns, and clenched his fists energetically as he spoke.

"My swordsmanship can't be compared to other people's, so even if it's only for a short while, I don't want to lose out on an opportunity to practise."

"That's why you're already practising...?"

"Yes! One day, I'm going to catch up with everyone…!"

"......How dazzling......"

I unconsciously said that.

Regardless of what happens to us two in the Shinsengumi, he will surely be able to show that dazzling smile I admire while at my side..

"And if I wake up early, I can see Senpai. That's also one of the reasons."

"See me?….You can see me at any time…."

"But, if the first person I see of the day is Senpai, there will be special sense of accomplishment."

"......."

"What is it, Senpai?"

"No, it's nothing. I just think I should be working harder!"

"??"

Souma-kun occasionally things that make people feel embarrassed like this.

For the sake of preventing others from noticing the embarassmened expression on my face this morning, I decided to quickly wash my face.

Chenshi·Toudou Moment《7~9 o'clock》

I washed my face by the well, did up my hair into a bun, and freshened up again.

I renewed my spirit and left for the kitchen which was located at the corner of headquarters.

Ultimately, the Shinsengumi is a large organization, and the number of executives and soldiers alone is quite a lot.

That's why cooking duty is done by several alternating members…

"......Hey, Chizuru."

"What is it, Heisuke-kun?"

"Isn't it torture to ask me to make breakfast while I'm hungry…?"

Heisuke-kun was in charge of breakfast with me today, looked unhappy for some reason.

To be precise, his salivating face seemed somewhat resentful as he stared at the large pot.

"What's wrong with you? You seem more haggard this morning than usual…"

"Uh… I haven't eaten anything since lunch yesterday…"

"Eh…!? You didn't eat dinner yesterday?"

As I recalled dinner last night, I turned my head.

It's true that the Eigth Division's patrol was extended last nigt and they couldn't make it to dinner, but its members had rice balls that they could take back to their rooms… In that case…

"Yeah, I got some rice balls, but on my way back to my room, I noticed a stray cat in the courtyard. Since I felt sorry for it, I shared my rice balls with it."

"In that case, couldn't you have gone to explain that to get another one…?"

"I thought that too, but wasn't Takeda-san in charge of dinner yesterday?"

"Ah..."

"Anyway you must be lying about eating, right? When he said that, he wouldn't give me another one."

“……”

It's true that Heisuke-kun sometimes steals food.

So it's not unreasonable to doubt him from his normal behaviour.

But....

"....Heisuke-kun."

I looked around.

After confirming that there wasn't anyone, I secretly handed him the tamagoyaki that I just made.

"Chizuru...""

"This was just made... eat it while it's still hot."

"Ah, uh…. but is this really okay? Don't you normally get angry when I swipe food…?"

"...Today's circumstances are special. Furthermore, this is just a sample for you to taste, that's all."

It's really pitiful to have done something that was obviously good, but not have enough to eat.

Heisuke-kun stuffed a piece of tamagoyaki into his mouth with moist eyes.

"Delicious…! Thank you, Chizuru. I love this sweet/gentle and soft part of you!"

"Love....?"

"Ah————no, although I said love, I however actually meant this/mean um. I mean there's nothing special!"

"Hm...?"

"Al-Alright, I'm full of energy again, so let's hurry up and prepare breakfast!"

For some reason, Heisuke-kun seemed to be a bit flustered, but he finally regained his spirits.

In order to not lose to him, I also turned around to face the large pot.

----to be continued---

sorry, i meant to do three of these, but i'm short on time right now and trying to rush something else.... (┬┬﹏┬┬)

Also tamagoyaki are a type of Japanese omelettes.

[ouellette]

not even being emo but these last 2 years have been so genuinely excruciating that idek how i've managed to make it this far if i'm being honest. in february will be the 2 yr anniv since the ex that i'm still not over broke up with me (& then got with someone new 5 months later after saying how much he wouldn't be able to do that......lol), my grandma passed after a slow and agonizing fight with kidney + liver disease and i had to drive myself to my final week of senior year while my mom was on hospice with her (& to this day have to deal with the guilt that because of speaking out abt what my uncle did i created a rift in our family for years that we will never be able to get back with her. all he got was a slap on the wrist so i really shouldve just kept my mouth shut. her illness is actually what brought us all back together), my best friend since middle school decided that communication was too much work and that oh well i'm taking up too much time she could be spending with her bf anyways and ended up ghosting me for an entire summer just to be like oopsie! i didnt mean to! then not talk to me for an entire year only to come back crying that she misses me so much after i've already come to terms with everything and completely detached myself from her, ummmm i graduated and immediately started working this fuckass job (men's medium prison) that makes me want to kms every day just because of the sheer amount of stress it is not knowing if you're going in for an 8 hour shift or a 16 hour shift and the pressure of adulthood is really making me start to lose it i think. But im so so so so normal about it i swear <3

[bethbluebell]

new to you [ e.williams ] part 4

ellie williams x fem!reader

summary; being the new person in a tight knit community, you would think it’d be tough to create any meaningful relationships but oh were you wrong; and it might just be one new connection in particular that will ultimately be your downfall

parts; 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 (ongoing series)

<><><><><><><><><><><><><>

5 months later

"C'mon, you're gonna have to limp faster than that." You remarked turning around. Staring back at you was Mike, a rugged but comedic guy who tagged along with you just a month back.

You smirked as you watched him hunch over and stare at the grassy terrain beneath you, "Please be quiet, I can't even hear myself losing the will to live." He responded sarcasm coating his words. You chuckled as you sauntered over to him and draped his arm over your shoulder.

"We are almost there big guy, don't die on me just yet." You joked, earning a dramatic huff from Mike as he dragged his feet across the ground.

You could make it out in the distance. The all too familiar layout of the place you once and still called home.

It was dusk and even though you were both exhausted and needed a good meal, you started to feel hot and your heart rate began to quicken. "Hey." Your head shot up as you felt Mike's hand touch your shoulder, "You okay? I thought you knew this place?"

You nodded, abruptly forcing yourself out of the trance you found yourself in, "I-I do. It’s just been a while." You gulped returning his gaze with a sheepish smile. It was pretty obvious you weren’t telling him the full truth but it’s not like you left on bad terms with the whole of Jackson, just one person in particular.

Mike didn’t press the subject any further and began to match your pace. After 20 minutes of trekking through the all too familiar patrol paths you arrived at Jackson. You had to yell your full name to the ones guarding the gate and as soon as a small gap opened Maria was the first to come running out with open arms.

"(Y/N)! How long has it been?" Maria engulfed you in a hug that you quickly accepted. From the corner of your eye you could see Mike smiling awkwardly beside you. You pulled away from the hug and nodded towards Mike, "Maria, this is Mike. He's been kinda my partner for the last few weeks."

"Partner, hmm?" Maria teased making you instantly regret your choice of words.

Mike didn't deny it which lead you to quickly wave your hands in front of you in denial. "God, no. Nothing like that." Maria laughed and ushered you both into Jackson. You were greeted by many familiar faces and a minority of new ones.

You fidgeted as you walked alongside her. There was only one specific reason at present making you this nervous. The way you left things with Ellie was a strange one and it didn’t prevent you from thinking about her every day. Its not like you left Jackson solely for the reason of getting away from her but it was just suffocating. You couldn’t understand the hold she had over you and it didn’t seem to soften for the five months you had left either.

“Hey, Maria..” You trailed off letting out a deep sigh in the process. “Do you perhaps know where Ellie is? I'd love to say hello to everyone but we didn't leave on the best of terms."

Maria gave you a pitiful smile and stopped walking. "I think she went back to her room, she just got back from patrol an hour ago."

"Thank you." You looked over at Mike and laughed as he stared in awe at the small town you once lived in. Maria offered to give Mike a tour to which he gladly accepted. He didn’t fail to mention that Maria was hot before running after her.

There’s no point in avoiding the inevitable any longer, it was time to face the music and speak to Ellie. You rushed around being roped into conversations with the townsfolk that recognised you. Thankfully, you were able to cut the conversations short and race in the direction of Ellie’s place.

You weren't going to deny it, you were absolutely shitting yourself. Ellie has always been a tough nut to crack. You just hope she didn't see you leaving as a form of betrayal.

Your mouth began to feel dry and you stood just before Ellie’s door. You lifted your hand and lightly knocked almost instantly hearing shuffling and footsteps within. You took a deep breath and touched the door handle, "Ellie-?" The door flung open and there she was. You swear you felt your heat flutter and possibly skip 10 beats.

She looked you up and down, bewildered. "(Y/N)?"

"Hi." You smiled, trying to keep your hair in check from the wind. "Can I come in? Just a little bit breezy out here." You laughed causing Ellie to fumble and move out the way.

You stepped in and compared in your mind what furniture had been moved and what items have been added. It’s was only up until now did you realise how much time you spent in Ellie's little safe place.

Ellie slumped down on her couch, resting her elbows on her thighs as she rubbed her hands together, "So, how's it been?" Interrupting your train of thought, you whipped your head around giving her your full attention.

You gradually nodded making your way next to her, “Yeah, It’s been good. I mean it definitely hasn’t been smooth sailing but it’s nothing I wasn’t expecting.” You explained. You knew there was no use in persuading her to suddenly accept your decision but you weren’t going to bullshit her either.

“I’ve brought back one of the guys I met while traveling. I’m sure he’ll love to tell you about the shit we got up too.” You turned your head back towards her and paused. Stupidly, you expected Ellie to be smiling along with you but she wasn’t even looking at you, practically avoiding your gaze altogether.

Your smile faded as you shifted your eyes away from her, "He'll probably tell them better than me anyways." You gave off a dry laugh trying to lighten the mood.

From the corner of your eye you could see her muscles tighten and her face discreetly scrunch up at the second mention of Mike, “I’d rather hear them from you.” She spoke up bluntly. Her expression was stoic, an expression you became quite familiar with after all these months of knowing her. She made this face when she wanted to say something but was holding herself back, as if it was the easier option.

You cleared your throat and leaned back into the cushioned seat, “I’ll hold you to that.”

Ellie looked over at you having to turn her upper body to get a wider view. Her eyes tediously swept over your body studying the newly healed scars scattered along your fingers and face. It was hard to explain but something about Ellie just felt different.

You played with your fingers almost forgetting why you rushed over here in the first place. You weren’t overly keen on dwelling on the past but you didn't want it to haunt you two either, "Look, Ellie. I know we didn't part on the best of terms but I think we need to talk about it." You trailed off sitting up from your previous comfortable position.

Ellie briefly rolled her eyes, "Really, (Y/N). Now? Can't we do this later."

You looked up at the ceiling in frustration, "Seriously? We can't just dance around the subject like it came from nothing." You yelled slightly louder than you anticipated, "This is why we left on a bad note because you are always too stubborn to talk to me."

"I don't want you to hate me-"

"I don't-!" You let out a dramatic sigh and stood up, "..I don't hate you Ellie I'm just as frustrated as you are.” You peered into her eyes searching for the answers her mouth wasn't giving but you were still left with nothing.

You begin to pick up your bag and head towards the door, "Where are you going?" Ellie asked abruptly grabbing your wrist.

"I'm leaving." You say not even turning to look at her shaking off her grip.

You went to turn the door handle until your ears perked up, "Shocker, that’s like the only thing you do nowadays." Ellie muttered under her breathe.

You leaned your head against the door, gritting your teeth, "Well what do you want me to do Ellie?" You pushed yourself off the door and turned to face her, "Please enlighten me."

"I don't know?" She lifted her arms up in defeat, "Just stay." It began to sound like a plea but you have just about had enough of Ellie's little mind games. You knew in your heart that they were never intentional but they consistently ended with you getting hurt regardless.

You keep reminding yourself that things will never go the way you want them too. You are grasping at straws thinking Ellie will ever take more of an interest in you than just pure friendship.

You aim for the handle once more until Ellie takes a quick step forward, "At least give me a chance to make it up to you." She pleaded. Her eyes glistening as she scanned your face for any intention of giving in.

"Please."

After a minor battle with your head and your heart you let your fingers fall from the door handle and crossed your arms, "I'm only taking you up on your offer because I'm intrigued not because I have any intention of staying." Ellie grinned and began walking backwards in the direction of her desk; still holding eye contact.

"Well I hope you haven't made yourself comfortable because we are going on a little adventure."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><>

You and Ellie were walking side by side through the forest. Your feet shuffled through fallen leaves as you quietly admired the high-strung trees that blocked out the mild wind and rain.

"You know, I was going to ignore it but I can't help notice the bottles clinking obnoxiously loud inside of your bag." You stated failing to stifle the laughter.

"For the surprise factor please ignore it for now." Ellie sheepishly grinned, pulling her bag strap further up her shoulder earning a small giggle from you.

You looked over at Ellie admiring her. This is something you wanted to avoid doing again but how could you? Your feelings have just continued to grow, your mind constantly clouded with thoughts of her.

You gulped and turned your head away, tightening your lips together. The silence wasn't uncomfortable but it definitely wasn't normal for you and Ellie.

Ellie grunted as she pushed the two doors open. It seems that she has decided to drag you to a pub or what’s left of it.

You shuffled past Ellie as she cursed to herself trying to keep the doors from shutting entirely. You looked up in awe, the engravings within the ceiling took you by surprise. You scanned the dozens of frail photographs decorating the walls of what you can assume were customers enjoying a pint or a classic Sunday roast on the evening.

Sure, Jackson's townly pub was a great way to pass the time but it didn't have the character that most taverns oozed. The majority of people in Jackson you knew and most conversations were far from enjoyable and for the cherry on top; Seth managed it.

Both you and Ellie loved to discuss what life must have been like before it all went to shit, pestering Joel for new stories and filling in the information that the books just couldn't provide.

"You know, I never thought about doing this." You spoke out carefully picking up a photograph that was gathering dust on the floor. Pictured was two women, one was smiling as the other kissed her on the cheek. Your heart fluttered at their happiness yearning for the life they once had.

The two doors slammed abruptly. The bang shocking you out of your trance. Ellie huffed looking over at you, "What, going to a tavern?" You laughed at how silly it sounded.

You lightly placed the photograph on one of the tables and returned her gaze. "Well, I always imagined it in certain scenarios before the infected but I always thought it was just pointless in the world we live in now."

"I mean most booze is just plain off limits and you're afraid to get drunk just in case infected comes wandering in."

"Hm, yeah I can see that.” Ellie trailed off walking further into the building. “But you can relax ‘cause I've got them covered." Ellie exclaimed slamming her bag onto the center table. Her eyes squinted at the impact as she unzipped her bag, "Shit, I forgot I had these in there for a second."

You scoffed a smile stretching on your lips as you eagerly watched her pull out two full bottles of alcohol and rest them on the table. "Okay, so that is one problem solved." You side-glanced at the double doors you just came in through, "What about the infected?"

Ellie turns to you while dramatically rolling her eyes, "You having me here is that problem solved." You stared at her dumbfounded, "What?" Ellie asked, loosening the cap on one of the bottles.

"I'm just waiting for the part where you say 'I'm joking'." Ellie scoffed as she opened the bottle.

"I'm guessing you don't want some then?" She taunted dangling the bottle in front of you.

You looked down at the bottle a smile growing on your face at Ellie's teasing. Provoking her you lowered your voice, "You gonna try and stop me?" You edged forward minimizing the gap between your bodies.

You lightly put your hand over Ellie's and gripped the bottle. Her eyes shooting upwards to meet yours staring curiously before speaking up, "Only if you want me to." She whispered with a mischievous glint in her eye. You couldn't understand her. Yes, you may have flirted first but you weren't expecting her to acknowledge it, never mind entertain it.

You quickly pulled the glass bottle from her grip and pressed it to your lips. Succumbing yourself to the burning sensation as it travelled down your throat. "Too slow." You grumbled handing back the bottle. Ellie laughed as you grimaced at the flavour failing to hide your distaste, "That is vile, fucking hell." You choked, holding your throat.

"Well, you don't exactly drink it for the taste." She commented, taking a sip herself.

"Cut me some slack, I haven't touched alcohol since I left." You wandered over to the bar sitting on one of the stools. You sighed, observing the shelves with broken glasses and more beautifully carved wood.

"I wouldn't even class myself as a sociable person but I would love to just meet new people, get shit faced and make a fool out of myself dancing to cringy pop music." You gushed turning around to Ellie. She was staring down at the bottle as if she couldn't hear you.

"Ellie?" Her head shot up as if her mind was previously elsewhere.

You lightly patted the stool next to you, "I don't even care about the infected anymore, let's get absolutely wasted." The softness in her eyes returned as she looked back at you making your chest tighten.

With no mixers you both were practically taking mini-shots of pure alcohol and having barely anything to line your stomachs beforehand, you both were for sure on cloud nine.

Giggling, you clumsily placed your hand on Ellie's shoulder shaking her lightly, "Remember on your birthday when I was walking you back home and you had wayyy too much to drink that night."

"You-" Cutting yourself off from laughing struggling to catch your breath, "You fell into one of the greenhouses and crushed all the cabbages."

Ellie burst out laughing nearly knocking over the glass bottles you both were very much enjoying.

"It was your fucking fault Maria knew it was me!" Ellie cried out poking your arm, "She had all the people from my party that night lined up and as soon as she said my name you burst out laughing!"

"I-I'm sorry!" You managed to get out. You clasped your hand over hers still failing to calm down your laughter, "I just kept replaying the moment in my head of you tripping over a cabbage and then she said your name-" You stumbled forward briskly falling off the stool and practically into Ellie's lap.

Your laughter was quickly cut off by you groaning, "Uhh, fuck my head." You complained into her clothes. Pushing yourself back you leaned both palms on her torso, your head dizzy from the drink.

Ellie was observing you clearly amused at your drunken state. Your eyes widened as you glanced up. Fuck. You almost sobered up there and then.

You and Ellie's faces were merely inches away from each other.

You sucked in your breath as you locked eyes. You swore you saw her eyes darken as she briefly glanced down at your lips. Your heart thudded against your chest as she began moving at an agonizingly slow pace towards you.

You dared to move hope cascading through your body, "Ellie..I-" You were cut off by her softly pressing her lips onto yours. Heat radiated through your body as she cupped your face pulling you into her your movements getting more eager by the second.

She pulls you up stabilizing you on your feet but never breaking the kiss. You wondered if she could hear your heartbeat and hear how much you want her. How much you have wanted her.

A shiver sped down your spine as her hands left your face and travelled further down your upper-body.

Ellie nuzzled into your neck her lips pecking at your skin until they quickly turned into hickeys. Her touch was intoxicating as she sucked at the skin. You tipped your head back, a light moan escaping from your lips.

This earned a deep chuckle from Ellie as she parted from your neck and came face to face with you again.

Soaking in the memory of you leaning against the bar. Your shirt and hair disheveled with her love bites painting your neck.

You couldn't understand why she had this effect on you. Still, you couldn't help but want her.

Guilt filled your mind as Dina appeared in your thoughts. You felt awful. You looked down at your shirt and quickly fixed it up scared somebody was going to catch you in such a comprising state.

"W-we should go." You stuttered, grabbing both your bags from the bar ledge. You clumsily marched over to Ellie pushing her bag to her stomach. You were still very much drunk but the guilt was eating away at you sobering you up by the minute.

"What- Are you okay? I thought-"

"We shouldn't have done that." You shut her down bluntly. Ellie looked stunned for a second but then quickly regained herself.

Ellie barged past you anger radiating from her body.

You felt awful but you weren't sure which part was making you feel worse. Betraying Dina like that completely went against your moral compass but on the other hand you would never dream of hurting Ellie and seeing her visibly upset stung.

You walked purposely far behind her. The silence causing an eerie tension to build up between you too.

You don't want Ellie to hate you but you didn't want a relationship built on lies. Ellie wasn't the easiest to have an adult conversation with. She would always start raising her voice or just storm off in fustration. You will admit that this situation was your fault but you were terrified of being rejected. Again.

You pushed through the overgrown terrain being careful to survey your surroundings. The drink was still noticeably in your system as you swayed into a tree. You scrunched your eyes shut harshly rubbing the impacted area of your forehead.

Opening your eyes, you spotted a figure in the distance twitching and spewing deep, inaudible sounds. Your eyes quickly darted around to find Ellie. You leaned forward and found her walking through the dimly lit forest, smacking the bushes as she trudged through.

"Psst, Ellie!" You whispered flailing your arms above your head hoping she'll see you from the corner of her eye.

Ellie stopped, turning around like a spoilt child, "I really don’t-!" You abruptly put a finger to your mouth and pointed over at the runner. She turned her head in the same direction and on instinct her hands went straight for her bow.

The runner twitched in aggravation, failing to react to your and Ellie's hideous attempts at miming to each other a plan. You use to work so well together and now it was like you didn't speak the same language.

You huffed pulling out the dagger attached to your thigh. Taking the lead you began to creep up behind the runner, slowing your pace at any frantic movements. Once you were at an arm’s length from its body you lifted your arm up and in that split second it was dead.

Your eyes widened as it's body slumped to the ground before you. An arrow. A few inches from your face penetrated the runners brain. Your arm was still in the air frozen in place.

Did she really just fucking do that?

Your head shot in the direction of Ellie throwing your arms down in rage, "What is wrong with you!" You yelled anger coating your words.

Ellie had just finished putting the bow around her body and crossed her arms in defiance, “I don’t know, (Y/N). Maybe it's because you were taking your sweet goddamn time."

You gasped in disbelief marching over to her, "You could've put a fucking arrow through my head, are you insane?"

Ellie rolled her eyes casually brushing the hair out of her face, "Stop being dramatic."

"Ellie, the arrow was-" you motioned a small gap between your two fingers, "-that far away from me. I think I have the right to be dramatic."

The walk back was practically silent unless you count the muttering you were doing about how Ellie was drunk and still decided on shooting an arrow that close to your skull.

You were staying at Jesse's place for the time being. He was kind enough to give you and Mike his two spare rooms.

Mike was currently off getting accounted with the people of Jackson. He already seemed to be hitting it off with Tommy.

From what you were told there was a small gathering going on and Mike was pestering you to join him. The only problem is that you couldn't control the painful throbbing sensation that plagued your skull. Gotta love the after affects of drinking.

You laid awake staring at the pale white ceiling attempting to push your headache aside and replay the events of this afternoon. Ellie instigated it. Ellie was the one who kissed you but you never viewed Ellie as a cheater. Her loyalty was so unwavering it just felt so out of character. You fidgeted laying on your side unable to get comfortable when a loud knock echoed throughout the building.

You sat up in confusion quickly scrambling out of bed. You seethed as your bare feet hit the cold wood. Oh, what you would give to experience central heating.

Running down the flight of stairs you opened the door with remarkable speed being met with a clearly startled Ellie.

"Ellie?" You questioned leaning out the door and looking both ways, "Is everything okay?" You said stepping back wrapping your arms around your torso.

Ellie looked you up and down nodding as she walked inside abruptly shutting the door behind her, "I'm losing my mind, (Y/N)." Your lips tightened not understanding her statement, "I can't act like that didn't just happen today." She explained pacing within the corridor.

You stood there blind sighted. You hadn't prepared for this conversation so soon, "I really don't think-" Ellie's eyes interlocked with yours and suddenly your mouth slammed shut. Suddenly you didn’t know what to say.

Ellie walked over to you her pace slowing the closer she got. She then softly placed her palm onto the side of your face and stroked your cheek with her thumb. Her touch was tender. It took ever fiber in your body to not lean into her hand and melt into a puddle there and then, "You have to tell me if I'm too late, if you've already made up your mind."

"What?" You muttered searching her face for the answers to her mindless rambling.

You leaned forward your noses barely touching as your eyes roamed over one another. You were fixated on her studying every freckle on her face, all the beautiful shades of green that lurked within her eyes.

You hesitated as Ellie leaned in. A light gasp being the only thing that could be heard.

Until it wasn't.

Faint voices could be heard just outside the front door. A loud, hearty laugh booming throughout the streets of Jackson. A laugh that you have become quite familiar with.

You took a step back away from Ellie just as the front door swung open. A visibly tipsy Mike stumbling through.

One of the other residents was helping him through the doorway. A youngish guy around the same age as you. You quickly ran over to Mike taking him from the young guys hold and thanked him.

"I'll speak to you tomorrow, goodnight mate!" Mike shouted hanging out the door. You pushed him inside cringing at how loud he was being. You almost forgot Ellie was in the house until you turned around seeing both Mike and Ellie staring at each other.

Mike was in the middle of straightening his posture and Ellie looked hostile.

What the fuck is going on?

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Holy shii- it’s nearly the end of this series :O! I don’t think this chapter is one of my best but hay ho.

The next part is the last - very emotional - but I hope you enjoyed this new part and thank you so much for the ongoing support! :)

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