#just humble flawed imperfect bear-loving humans

[bearotonin-international]

hey, no pressure, but can i ask why pandas are only occasional bears? is it that they only bear occasionally?

please read the tags of our previous post about pandas that no doubt prompted this ask. the team is not in the mood to entertain questions about pandas or our classification of them as such so to you and everyone else who sees this, please be advised

[im-madam-baby]

a piece of self-reflect.

Looking back, I realized there are many things I've said and done that I'm not particularly proud of. Mostly, I'd rely on people for support whenever I need their words of advice from a different perspective than mine because mine is sometimes right and sometimes imperfect. I thought seeking advice or reassurance from others would be better, but I guess all I want is an external validation of my own thoughts and emotions.

Not only that, but I realized that I have toxic traits as well, such as seeking validation from others, taking trivial things personally, comparing myself to others, self-sabotage, overthinking, insecurity, and being dramatic despite previously telling people that I disliked getting involved in dramas (ironic, isn't it?), and others.

This realization occurred to me as I was reflecting in my room. Those were my embarrassing moments, I have to admit. But I have to accept that those are the flaws that I need to work on to be a better me and avoid making the same mistakes as I did previously. Such things are supposed to be acknowledged, accepted, learned from, and grown from.

Does telling people your stories now matter to you? or more like, do people's opinions on your stories matter to you? or, to put it this way, does it matter to you?

This is a series of questions I frequently ask myself when I am tempted to talk to someone about any of my problems.

To me now, none of it matters, even when it comes to telling people my own stories. I now keep them all to myself. I'd prefer to keep everything private. For myself alone and for my own burden to bear. But when I really need a shoulder to lean on, I'd go to the best and most trusted friends I have.

And when I do have stories to tell, they will be stories that inspire people to keep going. The same stories would also humble me in some ways, that says 'all humans are just humans with flaws and imperfections that make us human.' Some people would also lose people in their path, but that's okay because people come and go, life goes on, and the world is a big place.

One must continue walking and thriving, and one might meet more new people along the way who share the same values and views as the new you because the newer version of you is not the same as you were back then. With the new people we meet, the viewpoint of our friendship will improve as you have improved yourself. And as you progress through life, so does your love life; your relationship with your loved one.

Life will not become stagnant anymore, but you will become more alive as you grow older and wiser, living through so many moments.

And you'll realize that none of it matters in life, but it only matters when you focus on yourself and the moments you share with your loved ones, such as family and friends; and also with a partner if you have one because they are the ones who light up your life the most.

So live life to the fullest, be selfish if you must in a good way, it's our life, and throw other people's opinions out the window. Remember, each one of us is amazing; also, remember to be yourself, hear yourself, and be proud of your own journey.

There may be some challenges along the way; however, stay strong, make wise decisions in a calm manner, and surrender everything to the universe to find yourself in a peaceful state.

I wish us all the best as we embark on our respective journeys.

(This is a piece of self-reflect and self-care inspiration for myself and anyone else who is looking for it).

[gallavictorious]

I really wish people would stop excusing their favorite character's actions with convoluted theories instead of just accepting that their faves aren't perfect. Ian should not be comparing Terry and Frank. Full stop. Especially not to Mickey's face, when Mickey is in the middle of trying to deal with the complicated feelings he has about the father that raped him by proxy and tried to actually murder him. It's ok to say "yeah you're right I don't know what you're going through but I'm here" and not make it into a shitty father competition.

And I really wish people would refrain from making groundless assumptions and recognize that trying to understand a character's motivation for doing something does not equal taking a stance on whether or not the action discussed is morally sound but alas, nonnie, we live in an imperfect world.

For those just turning in, this ask was received in response to my addition to this post.

Now, nonnie, if I understand you correctly, you disapprove of what I wrote because you see it as 1, an attempt to excuse Ian's behavior because 2, he's my favourite character and 3, therefore I can't stand to have him do something wrong. You also think that, no matter his motivations, Ian shouldn't be comparing Frank to Terry. Below, I'll quickly refutate points 2 and 3, as well as detail the difference between explanations and excuses and – hopefully – demonstrate why you can't with any sort of certainty claim that the offending post is an example of the latter. I will not really engage with the question of whether or not Ian was wrong for saying what he did, because (as we shall return to forthwith) that was not the issue originally discussed, it doesn't actually interest me, and as you do not offer any sort of reasoning for your moral judgment there really isn't anything for me to work with there anyway.

Strap in, kids; it's another long one.

Let's start with your claim that Ian is my favourite. I'm not actually going to spell it out there, but instead direct you to paragraphs 3-7 of this post. A little lazy, perhaps, but I'm sure you can appreciate why I have limited time to point out the same basic flaws twice in a fairly short period of time. (Should I pin a pic of me holding up a little sign reading ”Actually, Mickey is my favourite, even though I love Ian too” to the top of my blog? Would that be helpful?)

Moving on to point 3, I do agree with the general notion that it's fine to accept that the characters we love (no matter who that character is) are flawed and make mistakes! If you had taken the time to familiarize yourself with my thoughts on Ian and Mickey – or if you had, you know, just asked – instead of jumping to completely unsubstantiated conclusions based on a single post, you might even have realized that them being fucked up and making fucked up choices from time to time is one of the things I find most compelling about them. They are messy and complicated and human, and I love that. I neither think nor want either of them to perfect, because perfection is unrealistic is static is boring.

With that out of the way, let's get to excuses versus explanations. If one confuses the two, any attempt to discuss or explain a persons behavior will be construed as an attempt to excuse it, but to understand something and to condone it are actually two different things.

For instance, I can explain and understand why Mickey acted the way he did in 3x09, but still think kicking Ian in the face was wrong. I can explain and understand why Ian called Mickey a coward and a pussy in 4x11 but still think he was wrong for doing so. Do you see? Understanding – or trying to understand – why someone did something is not the same as saying that what they did was okay. Understanding the reasons for someone's actions might lessen the severity of our condemnation (for instance, stealing is generally considered wrong, but most of use would agree that stealing bread to feed your kid is less wrong than stealing bread because you're too stingy to pay for it) or might remove condemnation entirely (hitting someone because you are angry with them is wrong, hitting someone as part of consensual BDSM sex is fine), but understanding an action does not automatically lead to declaring said action morally correct. In short, ”why did X do Y” and ”was X right or wrong do to Y” are two different questions, and the fact that our answer to the second question often is at least partly dependent on our understanding of the first does not change that.

So explanations and excuses are not the same. And yet, sometimes the reasons for doing something (or failing to do something) are offered up as an excuse; as a reason why someone should not be held responsible for their actions, or why they were correct in performing/not performing them in the first place. That neatly leads us to the question of whether or not that's what's actually happening in the post you took exception to. And the answer to that is... you can't know. What boys-night and I discuss in the post is what Ian is actually doing (is he trying to compare trauma och convince Mickey he had it worse) and why he is doing it; that is, we are trying to understand and explain his behavior. Neither of us make any sort of statement on whether or not he was right or wrong for saying or doing what he did: that's just not the topic of conversation. Now, maybe I do think his motivations means that he's morally justified in what he said; maybe I don't. My point is that you can't know that just from what you've read in the post. You might draw some tentative conclusions, and they may be correct, but you don't know, and the reasonable and responsible way to go from there is to seek clarification by asking (polite) questions, not aggressively throwing around accusations about others grasping for straws in a despertae attempt to exonerate their favorites from wrongdoing.

(And just to remind you, even if I were making excuses for Ian, it wouldn't be because he's my favourite or becuase I can't bear to have him do wrong.)

You are perfectly free to disagree with any of the points made in the post, by the way, but you need to recognize that what we're disagreeing on then is motivation, not morality.

And, oh, of course it would have been okay to say "yeah you're right I don't know what you're going through but I'm here", but that's not what Ian did. Now, if you are happy to go ”ah, Ian fucked up, he's not perfect” and move on, that's fine. You do you, nonnie, and if analysis and discussion of character motivations isn't your jam then it isn't and I'm sure no one is going to force you to engage in it. (And if they try to, you can simply say ”I don't care” and walk away.) However, to be perfectly honest I am a bit perplexed that you should be so indignant over other fans trying to make sense of his actions. Do you still feel that way now that you – hopefully – understand that trying to explain a characters' behavior doesn't necessarily mean trying to excuse it? I mean, surely you are aware of the fact that people usually have reasons for acting the way they do, even if the way they act is shitty or misguided? (Note that I'm not saying that Ian's actions were shitty and misguided. That is not the discussion we're having.) I am rather curious, actually, as to what you think Ian's motivations were? Do you imagine he was deliberatedly diminishing Mickey's trauma? Why, if so? Do you perhaps think that he is obsessed with being The Most Victim and thus takes every opportunity to list all the ways Frank sucked? Or maybe that his mouth just moves without any thought or reason and the words just randomly happened?

To be fair, it seems that Ian's motivations is not something you consider relevant: you write that ”Ian should not be comparing Terry and Frank. Full stop.” And that's absolutely a moral stance you can take, albeit certainly not the only one. Maybe Ian shouldn't have said what he said Had you given any reasons for this verdict, I might even have agreed with you because I can think of several reasons why it might be better if Ian refrained from comparing Terry and Frank, no matter his motivations. (And I might not, because I can also think of several reasons why such a comparision might be justified, even though Terry is clearly the more evil of the two.) However, we shall never know, because you fail to back up your claim. I guess that's because you deem it self-evident? It is not, and until you provide any sort of reasoning for your grand proclamation, I won't engage with the question. Not going to shadow-box with you, nonnie, or do your work for you; if you want a discussion, make your case properly. Though maybe make it elsewhere – as previously noted, passing judgement on the characters is not my primary interest when discussing them. I am much more intrigued by trying to understand why characters do and say what they do and say.

Phew. Okay, that's me done, I think. I realize that you might not be very impressed with this answer, nonnie, but I hope it may to some degree reassure you that no sneaky attempt to excuse my favourite character's actions with convoluted theories was made by this humble blogger. Not this time, at least.

[benyhw]

Day 3 - Reflections on emotional maturity

"Wielding sensible arguments can at points be as effective as telling a person with vertigo that the balcony wont collapse or a person with depression that there are perfectly good grounds to be cheerful" A lot of our mind is not amenable to hard-headed logic, not when emotions are involved

Yet, truly facing and understanding our emotions and then still be able to act with some rationality and logic is a testament to emotional maturity. There is more to love, forgiveness, trust than what we think we know.

I am sorry for my hurtful words, said in times of emotional turmoil. I regret my texts and posts, impulsive and raging. I've spent a lot of time reflecting on my actions, your thoughts and feelings and ultimately your decision. The turmoil I initially faced was truly a mixture of shock from how sudden things changed as well as the immense void your disappearance has caused. Given time, I have calmed down and could examine myself deeper on many levels.

I learned that I can be loved and that I can have wants and needs. I learned that my careless acts can hurt even when I don't recognise it at that point of time.

I know my mistakes and can see its damages. I triggered this whole chain of events, rocking what was a seemingly stable relationship. I see that we are flawed, but not un-deserving of love. Our innate reactions and nature is built upon by our past, regardless whether we consciously know it or not. Some traumas and hurt that forms our current insecurities are born from history we may not even remember. Though this doesn't discount our current wrongs, it does help to allow us to understand people better.

I do know, that I can and should listen to what I want and love, not only to that of other's demands or requests. I can be selfish in love and loving. I can earnestly seek forgiveness and then put in action to repent and atone for the wrongs I've made. Yet forgiveness and moving on from the hurt I've caused, is not mine to give or take. It is for me to earn and for you to heal from. I can only do what I believe is best, in terms of my love for you and love for myself. I do feel, we both have a lot to learn in terms of emotional maturity and have ways to go to truly understand what it means to love, to hurt, to trust and to forgive.

=====

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGV5o6UHjxM - Stay in or Leave a Relationship We expect to be deeply happy in love, and, therefore, spend a good deal of time wondering whether our relationships are essentially normal in their sexual and psychological frustrations or are beset by unusually pathological patterns which will impel us to get out as soon as we can. What films or novels we've been exposed to, the state of our friend's relationships, the degree of noise surrounding new sexually driven dating aps, not to mention how much sleep we've had, can all play humbling large roles in influencing us one way or another. How much of our unhappiness can be tightly attributed to this particular partner, and how much might it, as we would risk discovering five years later and multiple upheavals later, turn out to be simply and inherent feature of any attempt to live in close proximity to another human? Try to have another conversation with your partner in which you don't accuse them of mendacity, and instead simply explain, quite calmly, how you actually felt and how sad you are at quite a few things Consider the annoying traits in all previous partners we've had and people we've known, that our current partners happen to not have, what do we manage not to fight about?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLq1ktogxn4 - What infidelity means There are, of course, many cases where infidelity means exactly what Romanticism takes it to mean: contempt for one’s relationship. But in a great many other cases, it may mean something really rather different: a passing, surface desire for erotic excitement that coexists with an ongoing, sincere commitment to one’s life-partner. The best way to recover after an infidelity may therefore be to ignore what Romanticism tells us that infidelity has to mean, and to consult instead a more reliable source of information: what we ourselves took infidelity to mean the last time the idea crossed through our minds or our lives. It is on this basis that we may – with considerable pain of course – come one day to be able to forgive and even in a way understand and accept the apologies of a repentant partner. It is on the basis of subjective experience of unfaithful thoughts that we may redemptively enrich, complicate and soften what happens when we end up as their victims.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRaaqN2Atxw - Why We Go Cold On Our Partners Going cold is, in this story, simply the unavoidable consequence of familiarity. he loss of interest isn’t either natural or inevitable. The boredom is something at once more complicated and more active. It exists because we feel hurt by, angry with, or scared of our partner and because we haven’t found a cathartic way to tell ourselves or them about it. Tuning out isn’t inevitable, it’s a symptom of disavowed emotional distress. It’s a way of coping. We’re internally numbed – not just a touch bored. To learn to cope, we need a prominent mutual awareness and forgiveness of this dynamic of sensitivity and distress – and a commitment to decode it when disengagement and indifference descend. When we've gone cold, we may not truly have lost interest in our partners, we might just need an opportunity to imagine that we are quietly really rather hurt and furious with them and we should access to a safe forum in which our tender but critical feelings can be aired, purged and understood without risk of humiliation

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgQvqi6aYD8 - The Secret of Successful Relationships: Rupture and Repair Repair refers to the work needed for two people to regain each other's trust and restore themselves in the others mind as someone who is essentially decent and sympathetic and can be a good enough interpreter of their needs Repair isn't just one capacity among others, it is arguably the central determinant of one's mastery of emotional maturity Good repair relies on at least 4 separate skills: The ability to apologise The ability to forgive - To do so requires us to extend imaginative sympathy for why good people can end up doing some pretty bad things, not because they are evil but because they are in their varied ways tired or sad, worried or weak. It lends us energy to look around for the most generous reasons why fundamentally decent people can at points behave less than optimally. We cling to rupture because it confirms a story which, though deeply sad at one level, also feels very safe: that big emotional commitments are invariably too risky, that others can't be trusted, that hope is an illusion The ability to teach - They give their listener time and know about defensiveness and as a fallback, accept that they may have to respect two different realities. They can be in the end bear to accept that they will always be a bit misunderstood even by someone who loves them very much The ability to learn - They have a lively and non-humiliating sense of how much they still have to take on board. It isn't a surprise or a cause for alarm that someone might level a criticism at them. Its merely a sign that a kindly soul is invested enough in their development to notice areas of immaturity, and in the safety of a relationship, to offer them something almost no one otherwise even bothers with: feedback.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ci-zID4EAPU - How to deal with trust issues 1. Ask yourself how your reactions line up with reality - The thoughts we may have may not always be an honest perception of what is happening 2. Learn to be non defensive when you communicate - Chances are, people take the time to talk to you because they care about you and not because they want to hurt you 3. Let people know what you need and be direct about it - In order to build trust, you have to be open and honest. People often have trust issues because they are afraid of getting hurt. Trust issues are developed when too much focus is concentrated on the pain, but not enough on overcoming the pain. 4. Give people a chance to show you who they are - Give people time to show you their true colours, and you may be surprised that you can go through challenges well together 5. Practice open-ended conversations that allow disagreements 6. Confront your fears and don't allow them to hold control over you - Remember, you have the power to work through your struggles openly and honestly. You have it in you to connect and build trust with others

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-K5btaxEFY - How to forgive It can be so hard to forgive because – so often – we simply are in the right and the scale of the folly, thoughtlessness and meanness of others seems utterly beyond our own measure. But there are 2 inviolable ideas which should nevertheless, in the face of the grossest behaviour, be kept in mind to increase our changes of being able to forgive: 1. We must remember how the other person got there, to this place of idiocy and cruelty - Every irritating fault in another person has a long history behind it. They became like this because of flaws in their development, which they did not choose for themselves. To forgive is to understand the origins of evil and cruelty 2. There are difficult things about you too - Not in any area remotely connected to the sort of lapses that destroy your faith in humanity. But in some areas, quiet areas that you forget about as soon as you've travelled through them, you too are a deeply imperfect and questionable individual. Gently, you have - in your own way - betrayed. Nicely, you have been a coward. Modestly, you have forgotten your privileges'. Unthinkingly, you have added salt to the wounds of others. We must forgive because - not right now, not over this, but one day, over something - we need to be forgiven too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVeq-0dIqpk - How to build (and rebuild) trust There is 3 facets of trust: Authenticity in actions, Rigor in logic and communicating that logic, True empathy towards the other

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhyfBi-Ad4c - Loving and Being Loved We start knowing only about being loved. It comes to seem, very wrongly, like the norm. Parent and child may both love, but each party is on a very different end of the axis, unbeknownst to the child This is why adulthood, when we first say we long for love, what we predominantly mean is that we want to be loved as we are once loved by a parent In a secret part of our minds, we picture someone who will understand our needs, bring us what we want, to be immensely patient and sympathetic to us, act selflessly, and make it all better we need to move firmly out of the child and into the parental position of love To be adults in love, we have to learn, perhaps for the very first time, to do something truly remarkable, for a time at least, to put someone else ahead of us.

=====

I know, making this decision has not been easy on you. You struggled internally alone for 5 weeks before taking the brave step to pursue what you believed was right now. I can only imagine the turmoil you've been put through. I cannot and will not blame you for loving yourself more.

When I look at myself and what I've gone through in the past weeks, I do wonder how you are coping along as well. I do believe in what we had, which meant that these days were probably not as easy on you too as you make it seem. I never imagined that my actions were seen as infidelity to you and that while we know it was not ill-intentioned, the feelings you've felt and the hurt I've caused you are valid.

I hope the above few points and videos can eventually help you to heal and move on, to feel ok enough to love another again some day. I am always here to openly talk about us, about our feelings and about what we each want now or in the future for ourselves. In the past 2.5 years, have you done and said anything to anyone or just innately felt that you would feel afraid to tell me of? Has there ever been any breach of trust on your end or guilt, before my current mistake that made you feel betrayed? I am open, with no judgement or shame, to talk about these, if you are ever willing. I have done you wrong, and I truly have repented. I will never ever breach trust like that ever again, not even at the cost of feeling uncomfortable in sharing how I feel.

I too will love myself, doing my utmost best to pursue things I want and love because they make me happy. It is ok to be selfish in love, something I have learned from you that I am grateful for. Take care, I am only 1 text away

Love, Ben

[bunny-wan-kenobi]

Jaime Lannister: A Man of Honor

So I’m supposed to accept that Jaime just *forgot* that Cersei tried to kill him? TWICE. And that after she betrayed him and manipulated him and after seasons of struggling by her side and getting increasingly fed up with her destructive and myopic actions, he had finally reached a point where he could no longer stay in King’s Landing? The line should have been the Sept of Baelor, but since his realization of her toxicity came later, it makes his abrupt return to her even more baffling. 

He had realized that his life doesn’t mean more to her than her desire for the Throne, that she would sacrifice him for power, and he decided he was done. And so we’re supposed to forget all the growth and maturation his character underwent to bring him to that weighty point of decision and treat his journey to Winterfell, his fighting alongside Cersei’s enemies, his embracing of his love for Brienne, his committing himself to staying in Winterfell with her while Cersei was losing as a mere blip in his overall storyline? 

We didn’t get any insight into his thoughts or any explanation as to what triggered this dramatic shift that led him to leave Brienne and go back to Cersei when Cersei was winning. The timing and potential motivations don’t make sense. He had already left her knowing it was treason and knowing she was pregnant, and that wasn’t enough to keep him in King’s Landing, or enough to motivate him to go back right after the battle at Winterfell. Apparently he was fine staying in Winterfell with Brienne while the Northern armies went forth to defeat her. 

There simply wasn’t enough groundwork in place to justify that sudden turn so it felt like whiplash and deeply disturbing to fans who have invested so much in his long journey. We’re being asked to accept that the man who two episodes before knighted Brienne and tenderly charged her to “defend the innocent” all of a sudden doesn’t care about anyone else but Cersei? We’re being asked to accept that the man who defended thousands by killing Aerys, saved a woman who was his captor from rape and then a bear, left his sister because she wouldn’t go fight to save humanity, is really that callous and detached from anyone but Cersei? 

It simply doesn’t make sense from a narrative standpoint and based on what the writers have already established within their own canon. Earlier in Season 8, we see Jaime referring to his relationship with Cersei in the past tense and with disgust. He has finally freed himself from that harmful dynamic and now has the opportunity to build healthy relationships and serve alongside people who will not ask him to do something that will dishonor him. 

That matters in the overall arc of Jaime’s character and what his motivations are. He is fundamentally compelled by love, yes, but he is also a character who cares deeply about what other people think of him. He does care about his legacy. He does care that people condemn him as a Kingslayer. And so much of his journey is about him rediscovering and reclaiming an identity apart from a narrow adherence to his family loyalties. It’s about him realizing that part of him still yearns to be the knight of honor he initially envisioned he would be, and his relationship with Brienne galvanizes that reawakening. She embodies the characteristics he would like to live up to, and she challenges to be more than what he settles for at Cersei’s side. 

During his travels with Brienne and after losing his hand, we see Jaime grow more humble, more willing to consider others’ welfare, more willing to set aside family loyalty aside to do what he believes is right, whether that is sending Brienne on a mission to save Sansa or riding North to fight with the Starks. These actions serve as a counterpoint to how we are introduced to his character when all he appears to be is an incestuous almost child-murderer. Catelyn Stark declares he is “a man without honor,” and the rest of his arc after that point examines and challenges that thesis. 

Jaime remains a flawed character who makes some truly terrible choices. However, while the writing for his character was mishandled so often (looking at you Seasons 5-7), the narrative did give him space to actually grow to the point where the Jaime we see land in Winterfell is drastically different than the one we met in Season 1. 

Yes, Cersei will always be part of him, but as his scenes when apart from her demonstrate, she does not have to be definitive of him. He can exist and thrive apart from her, he can make choices to defend others, he can live honorably. He has the capacity for this, and this has been evidenced again and again, most notably by his time in Winterfell. 

I see Jaime’s story as less of a redemption arc and more about self-discovery and growth--similar to Zuko in Avatar The Last Airbender (another character known for his complicated relationship with honor). When he arrives in Winterfell, for the first time he has to actually confront the consequences of his choices (like pushing Bran) and reevaluate who he now wants to be. He resolves to fight and die by the woman he loves and defend the Living. What nobler and more honorable cause could there be for a man once deemed to have no honor?

Jaime knighting Brienne is a culminating point in his character arc because in that scene he is given the opportunity to become that knight of honor, repeating the vows he once took with a renewed sense of conviction of their importance. It’s also an act of love that for once does not cause collateral damage in the way his actions for Cersei did. Again, this is the narrative reinforcing his self-discovery and his commitment to change. 

And when he and Brienne finally embrace the love they have for each other, that shift feels earned because it’s reaping the fruits of several seasons of their parallel development and the ways their characters have informed and shaped each other’s growth. Their love story makes sense in light of the themes of honor and loyalty and past hurt in relationships that are present in both of their stories. It makes sense that these two could find a fulfilling kindredness in each other that frees them to move forward rather than be mired in past wounds. 

I say all this to reiterate that the show’s narrative has already established an arc for Jaime where it feels organic and believable for him to finally leave Cersei and forge an identity and life apart from her influence. That choice carried a lot of weight, and so to have that weight diminished and dismissed with a handwave to conclude, “Well he’s addicted to Cersei and realizes he’s just BAD,” is frankly insulting to anyone who has been paying attention to the storytelling thus far and a huge disservice to both Jaime and Brienne’s characters. 

This is not subversion or being “realistic.” This is contradictory and lazy writing that conveniently ignores certain aspects of the Jaime’s journey in order to use him as a plot device to engineer a final scene with the Lannister twins dying together, as if that is the most poetic and fitting way for their stories to end. When Jaime declares, “No one matters but us,” it’s as if absolutely nothing changed for him between Season 1 and Season 8 if he and Cersei are still framed as moral and romantic equals so intertwined that nothing else exists. 

If the narrative hadn’t already given me enough contrast to his statement through previous examples, maybe I could have accepted this ending for them. But the fact is....it didn’t which is why Jaime’s arc in Season 8 felt so rushed and like a retcon of all that the writers had already built up over several seasons.  

And in a show with so many characters who have suffered from being stuck in a cycle of abusive and toxic relationships, to conclude that they simply cannot break out of that and are unable to change is disheartening and disturbing. Jaime’s story is inextricable from the idea of change and renewal, and to assert that his final conclusion about himself is that he is fixed, static as this hateful person, is truly tragic. It leaves us wondering if Catelyn’s original assumption is the final word on the character, even though we’ve been presented with so much evidence of the contrary. 

Give me complex, imperfect characters who make good and bad choices, but may their choices make sense in the larger context of their story and their motivations. And may the end of their journey not pose death as the only way out for them.  

[djsamaha-blog]

Why We Often React in Ways We Regret (and How to Stop)

“By practicing self-awareness and pausing before reacting, we can help create a world with less pain and more love.” ~Lori Deschene

It happens to the best of us. We find ourselves in a challenging situation or stressful environment and we get overcome—by an emotion, an impulse—and we act in a way that makes things worse.

It might be exploding at our spouse in response to a simple request. Or freezing during a difficult meeting at work. For me, this often happens when I receive negative feedback or constructive criticism. Something “takes us over” and we act in a way that doesn’t feel like us.

Sound familiar?

We’re Hardwired for Fight-or-Flight

There’s actually a very simple, biological explanation for these seemingly mysterious responses. We all have a little lizard inside of us.

It’s true. The “reptilian” brains evolved to keep us safe in the often dangerous and harsh environments of our biological ancestors.

When our brains perceive a threat—whether a physical threat like a bear or a more subtle social threat like an angry co-worker—our reptilian functions kick in to help protect us; and we’re compelled toward “fight or flight.”

Most Threats Today Are (Mostly) In Our Heads

Our inner lizard is awesome when we need them—and it has certainly served (and continues to serve) our reptilian ancestors quite well. The problem is that many of us today don’t live in a world where our lives are actually threatened.

We may feel threatened by things like interpersonal conflicts, overwhelm, busyness, and other aspects of our increasingly complex world; but our lives are not actually in danger.

The problem is that our brains still react as if we are, and when we feel threatened, our reptilian brain takes over.

These are the mysterious outbursts we see in ourselves and others. When this happens, our higher level capacities, which live in our pre-frontal cortex are disabled. These include things like empathy, creativity, flexibility, and the ability to see new possibilities.

This area of our brains, and its associated capacities, developed much later in our evolutionary journey; and are therefore less entrenched than our more ancient reptilian impulses.

So when we feel threatened, a battle ensues between our reptilian brain and our pre-frontal cortex—a battle that our inner lizards usually win.

My own inner lizard loves to rear its head when I’m confronted with any situation that makes me look bad, or not perfect.

I’ve worked very hard to look good. It’s pretty wired into me. I don’t mean so much the way I look physically. Rather, what I do, what I produce, and what I create needs to look good. It needs to be good, to be exemplary. So when I receive any less than stellar feedback, my inner lizard tends to kick in. Even the slightest feedback can become devastating. One raised eyebrow can send me into the toilet.

If I were a soldier fighting in a battle, of course, “not being good” could be very life threatening. But in my world, that’s really not the case. In my world, things like transparency, vulnerability, and being willing to admit my imperfections go a long way. But my inner lizard hates it!

The Good News

At this point you might be feeling a little overwhelmed or even fatalistic. You might be assuming that we’re no match for our inner lizards and we’re doomed to react in unhealthy ways when we feel trapped, or stressed, or overwhelmed—and there’s nothing we can do about it. That’s how I often feel as well.

But there’s good news. I’ve found that with a little introspection, intention to improve, and effort, it’s possible to learn to recognize and embrace my inner lizard, releasing my higher human capacities in the process.

Here’s how you do it.

Observe and understand.

Get to know the various ways in which the inner lizard is showing up in yourself, and those around you. This is not about blaming or shaming, this is about humble recognition. Our lizards many different “styles” in which they show up (you can learn more about these on my website), but the four main categories are:

Fight: Aggression in its many forms

Flight: Withdrawal or escape

Freeze: Shutting down

Fawn: Becoming eager to please

My desire to be good, for instance, is an example of a “freeze” style. The way it shows up for me is that while I’m doing everything I can to look good on the outside, on the inside I’m like a deer in the headlights. My inner lizard likes it when things are in control and looking successful. When I feel exposed, it can be a whole different story.

These reptilian reactions are wired into us by design—they are not flaws. They are human safety features. The question is whether reactions that served our ancestors still serve us now, particularly in a work or relational context.

Get and stay connected.

Shame, blame, complaining, explaining, justifying, defending, and denying are indicators of disconnection—from ourselves and others.

Many of us learned to disconnect as children, and these indicators—this disconnection—may seem so normal, so usual, that they are hard to see as an indicator of anything. Yet, as adults, we need the capacities that come with being connected. If we are going to face stressful environments with the capacity to navigate them effectively, connection is required.

If getting and staying connected feels like a big ask, for a start, you might play with simply noticing when you find yourself shaming, blaming, complaining, explaining, justifying, defending, or denying.

Don’t try to do something differently. Just notice what is happening for you, and what the situation or context is. If you are up for it, you can share with a trusted friend or journal on what you notice.

What we resist persists.

For some of us, our reptilian reactions are so “business as usual” that it may be hard to recognize as a contributing factor to the very issues that you want to address. And we may find it much easier to simply ignore our reptilian tendencies and the impacts they have on ourselves and those around us. But we do so at our own peril. The more we ignore them, the greater a hold they have on us!

Embrace your inner lizard.

Compassion is central to loosening the grip our inner lizards have on us when the going gets tough. If you blame yourself or others for how they react, the safety styles—the reactive patterns—become more entrenched and cleverer. Their job is protection. They do it well.

By learning to see and get to know your own and other’s lizard-like tendencies, and by appreciating that they were created for a reason, they can begin to relax.

Sometimes just noticing begins to shift patterns, other times we require outside support to be able to see and recognize what is happening. This has been my experience. I’ve learned to see my desire to appear perfect for what it is, which gives me a chance to express something different, to be vulnerable and transparent.

When you do this, you’re making it possible for more of the pre-frontal cortex to come online, and you’ll allow your higher human capacities expand so you can be more effective in your interactions with others.

See a typo, an inaccuracy, or something offensive? Please contact us so we can fix it!

http://www.successwize.com/why-we-often-react-in-ways-we-regret-and-how-to-stop/

[sarahburness]

Why We Often React in Ways We Regret (and How to Stop)

“By practicing self-awareness and pausing before reacting, we can help create a world with less pain and more love.” ~Lori Deschene

It happens to the best of us. We find ourselves in a challenging situation or stressful environment and we get overcome—by an emotion, an impulse—and we act in a way that makes things worse.

It might be exploding at our spouse in response to a simple request. Or freezing during a difficult meeting at work. For me, this often happens when I receive negative feedback or constructive criticism. Something “takes us over” and we act in a way that doesn’t feel like us.

Sound familiar?

We’re Hardwired for Fight-or-Flight

There’s actually a very simple, biological explanation for these seemingly mysterious responses. We all have a little lizard inside of us.

It’s true. The “reptilian” brains evolved to keep us safe in the often dangerous and harsh environments of our biological ancestors.

When our brains perceive a threat—whether a physical threat like a bear or a more subtle social threat like an angry co-worker—our reptilian functions kick in to help protect us; and we’re compelled toward “fight or flight.”

Most Threats Today Are (Mostly) In Our Heads

Our inner lizard is awesome when we need them—and it has certainly served (and continues to serve) our reptilian ancestors quite well. The problem is that many of us today don’t live in a world where our lives are actually threatened.

We may feel threatened by things like interpersonal conflicts, overwhelm, busyness, and other aspects of our increasingly complex world; but our lives are not actually in danger.

The problem is that our brains still react as if we are, and when we feel threatened, our reptilian brain takes over.

These are the mysterious outbursts we see in ourselves and others. When this happens, our higher level capacities, which live in our pre-frontal cortex are disabled. These include things like empathy, creativity, flexibility, and the ability to see new possibilities.

This area of our brains, and its associated capacities, developed much later in our evolutionary journey; and are therefore less entrenched than our more ancient reptilian impulses.

So when we feel threatened, a battle ensues between our reptilian brain and our pre-frontal cortex—a battle that our inner lizards usually win.

My own inner lizard loves to rear its head when I’m confronted with any situation that makes me look bad, or not perfect.

I’ve worked very hard to look good. It’s pretty wired into me. I don’t mean so much the way I look physically. Rather, what I do, what I produce, and what I create needs to look good. It needs to be good, to be exemplary. So when I receive any less than stellar feedback, my inner lizard tends to kick in. Even the slightest feedback can become devastating. One raised eyebrow can send me into the toilet.

If I were a soldier fighting in a battle, of course, “not being good” could be very life threatening. But in my world, that’s really not the case. In my world, things like transparency, vulnerability, and being willing to admit my imperfections go a long way. But my inner lizard hates it!

The Good News

At this point you might be feeling a little overwhelmed or even fatalistic. You might be assuming that we’re no match for our inner lizards and we’re doomed to react in unhealthy ways when we feel trapped, or stressed, or overwhelmed—and there’s nothing we can do about it. That’s how I often feel as well.

But there’s good news. I’ve found that with a little introspection, intention to improve, and effort, it’s possible to learn to recognize and embrace my inner lizard, releasing my higher human capacities in the process.

Here’s how you do it.

Observe and understand.

Get to know the various ways in which the inner lizard is showing up in yourself, and those around you. This is not about blaming or shaming, this is about humble recognition. Our lizards many different “styles” in which they show up (you can learn more about these on my website), but the four main categories are:

Fight: Aggression in its many forms

Flight: Withdrawal or escape

Freeze: Shutting down

Fawn: Becoming eager to please

My desire to be good, for instance, is an example of a “freeze” style. The way it shows up for me is that while I’m doing everything I can to look good on the outside, on the inside I’m like a deer in the headlights. My inner lizard likes it when things are in control and looking successful. When I feel exposed, it can be a whole different story.

These reptilian reactions are wired into us by design—they are not flaws. They are human safety features. The question is whether reactions that served our ancestors still serve us now, particularly in a work or relational context.

Get and stay connected.

Shame, blame, complaining, explaining, justifying, defending, and denying are indicators of disconnection—from ourselves and others.

Many of us learned to disconnect as children, and these indicators—this disconnection—may seem so normal, so usual, that they are hard to see as an indicator of anything. Yet, as adults, we need the capacities that come with being connected. If we are going to face stressful environments with the capacity to navigate them effectively, connection is required.

If getting and staying connected feels like a big ask, for a start, you might play with simply noticing when you find yourself shaming, blaming, complaining, explaining, justifying, defending, or denying.

Don’t try to do something differently. Just notice what is happening for you, and what the situation or context is. If you are up for it, you can share with a trusted friend or journal on what you notice.

What we resist persists.

For some of us, our reptilian reactions are so “business as usual” that it may be hard to recognize as a contributing factor to the very issues that you want to address. And we may find it much easier to simply ignore our reptilian tendencies and the impacts they have on ourselves and those around us. But we do so at our own peril. The more we ignore them, the greater a hold they have on us!

Embrace your inner lizard.

Compassion is central to loosening the grip our inner lizards have on us when the going gets tough. If you blame yourself or others for how they react, the safety styles—the reactive patterns—become more entrenched and cleverer. Their job is protection. They do it well.

By learning to see and get to know your own and other’s lizard-like tendencies, and by appreciating that they were created for a reason, they can begin to relax.

Sometimes just noticing begins to shift patterns, other times we require outside support to be able to see and recognize what is happening. This has been my experience. I’ve learned to see my desire to appear perfect for what it is, which gives me a chance to express something different, to be vulnerable and transparent.

When you do this, you’re making it possible for more of the pre-frontal cortex to come online, and you’ll allow your higher human capacities expand so you can be more effective in your interactions with others.

About Martha Hamilton

Martha Hamilton is a coach, facilitator, consultant, and author of Going Reptile: How Engaging Your Inner Lizard Leads to More Fulfilling Work & Personal Relationships. With 30+ years experience as a consultant in the business, management, and healthcare sectors, Martha works with individuals and groups to help them unearth dormant capacities that lead to more fulfilling work and personal relationships.

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from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-we-often-react-in-ways-we-regret-and-how-to-stop/

[nobighair]

What Trains Across The Sea Means To Me

Andy used to light a pipe every night at sunset as it dropped into the horizon of a navy sky like a child cannonballing into a summer pool, when the air was dry and a few rays tinted soft clouds pink. It filled my nose with a familiar warmth, established structure to our chaotic lives, signaled that he was here with me, in the real - another ritual among our many that gave structure to our existence, that marked the swiftly passing moments, pressing the ordinary moments into our histories. I look back at that time when the universe was before us in all its infinite potential and possibility, when the expectation of the unknown was unknown and anxiety ruled the majority of the days, except for those moments we were together, not wanting anything, not desiring desire, just free from ourselves and therefore free of selfishness. We only existed, as we were, humans on a dying planet hoping to make something of this mess.

When I look back on those memories, they are like a long, loose, lucid dream - the kind that disappears from the mind the instant we wake in the morning. Now, the attempt to remember the events are just as fleeting as the morning, when dreams dissipate and fade into insignificance. But then again, like the crack of the match that lit the tobacco in his pipe, and the breezy sound of his inhalations, there are so many memories that remain vivid and clear, like the humbling assurance in Andy’s quiet breath, within the reverberation of his precise utterance and the simplicity of when it was simply said, “You’re a good man, Phil. Thank you, brother.”

What does one call a feeling that refuses to be translated or even said in the first place? All the infinite languages and definitions and novels couldn’t nail down how I feel about our time together, of our experiences together, of our moments together. What does Trains Across the Sea mean to me?

It is just as simple as knowing that someone is there for you, to talk to you in your time of need, to help change a tire when it goes flat, to know someone exists in this world and can be touched, poked and prodded, or hugged. Trains Across the Sea isn’t Andy, isn’t a band, it’s a series of collected experiences that have led us to where we are now. It is friendship and love, and angst and anxiety. It is joy and pride, and disappointment and hopelessness. It is life, all of it, all the instantaneous moments that congeal and solidify into muscle and blood and guts and brains.

It is the naiveness of the midnight hour, drunk. It is the difficulty of understanding each other, our place in the world, the terrifying truth that we don’t know anything about what is to come. It’s innocence and the feeling of being loved, and giving love, which all has not much to do with the making of love. It’s the unsettling recognition that love isn’t made out of nothing, but requires people to imagine themselves as nothing.

All these atoms are directly in front of us and around us - the atoms of the rolling, thundering waves of a distant waterfall in South America - the atoms of the sprawling sands somewhere in Africa - the atoms of stars exploding in the heavens, light years away - the atoms that, like us, can never stay still, are never the same, and are always changing, transforming, and becoming.

To embrace someone fully, for all their flaws and tragedies, is to love. To know someone’s shortcomings, their inabilities, their unskills, the ways they hurt and generate pain in others, is to know them fully. To be comfortable and aware of that in someone without judgment is love. That is what Trains Across the Sea, Andy Gallagher, my mother, my father, my sister, my grandparents, my best friend Dave who passed away in high school, has always done for me. A full bear hug of my entire being, of all my atoms, knowing that they won’t be able to control them or throw boundaries around them, but also offering up a chance, in that embrace, to feel whole and together despite the entropy of uncertain futures.

There is so much life to come, and the waiting for all of it to happen. All the joys and pains of future times, all the late nights with children in rooms where the sound of waves roll off of wallpaper adorned with elephants or ducks, all the shows we will play, all the art we will make, all the court cases we will argue, all the trees we will prune, all the plants we will nurture, all the people we cut and fix and cure, all the clear winter air we will breathe, all the keys of our homes we will turn to enter, all the speeches we will write, all the eulogies we will orate, all the universes we will traverse once we are placed six feet under ground.

Andy is a rock in the turbulent ocean of my shifting future, holding down the memories in place so they don’t get washed away and lost in the endless sea of experience. Writing can barely suffice to capture and make sense of our time, and as evidence by this sprawling smattering of gibberish, I can’t contain our relationship in one sensible account. I can only produce words that barely produce a caricature of how I feel. Trains Across the Sea and Andy Gallagher is a feeling to me: it’s that instantaneous moment on the porch of the Peach House when a summer breeze passes by and carries the smoke of his pipe to my lungs and I feel an undeniable comfort in knowing that despite all of my faults, despite the wrongs and mistakes I will make in the future, despite being such a miserable, selfish, uncertain, confused and imperfect human, I am absolutely, fully and wholly, loved.