#just had to ask my mom to schedule the appointment and as far as i know it's this Friday

[autumnday19]

Going to be celebrating this March 15th by getting stabbed (getting my covid shot)

[gingersnapwolves]

So today I want to talk about puberty blockers for transgender kids, because despite being cisgender, this is a subject I’m actually well-versed in. Specifically, I want to talk about how far backwards things have gone.

This story starts almost 20 years ago, and it’s kind of long, but I think it’s important to give you the full history. At the time, I was working as an administrative assistant for a pediatric endocrinologist in a red state. Not a deep deep red state like Alabama, we had a little bit of a purple trend, but still very much red. (I don’t want to say the state at the risk of doxxing myself.) And I took a phone call from a woman who said, “My son is transgender. Does your doctor do hormone therapy?”

I said, “Good question! Let me find out.”

I went into the back and found the doctor playing Solitaire on his computer and said, “Do you do hormone therapy for transgender kids?” It had literally never come up before. He had opened his practice there in the early 2000s. This was roughly 2006, and the first time someone asked. Without looking up from his game of Solitaire, the doctor said, “I’ve never done it before, but I know how it works, so sure.”

I got back on the phone and told the mom, who was overjoyed, and scheduled an appointment for her son. He was the first transgender child we treated with puberty blockers. But not, by far, the first child we treated with puberty blockers, period. Because puberty blockers are used very commonly for children with precocious puberty (early-onset puberty). I would say about twenty percent of the kids our doctor treated were for precocious puberty and were on puberty blockers. They have been well studied and are widely used, safe, and effective.

Well. It turned out, the doctor I worked for was the only doctor in the state who was willing to do this. And word spread pretty fast in the tight-knit community of ‘parents of transgender children in a red state’. We started seeing more kids. A better drug came out. We saw some kids who were at the age where they were past puberty, and prescribed them estrogen or testosterone. Our doctor became, I’m fairly sure, a small folk hero to this community. 

Insurance coverage was a struggle. I remember copying articles and pages out of the Endocrine Society Manual to submit with prior authorization requests for the medications. Insurance coverage was a struggle for a lot of what we did, though. Growth hormone for kids with severe idiopathic short stature. Insulin pumps, which weren’t as common at the time, and then continuous glucose monitoring, when that came out. Insurance struggles were just part and parcel of the job.

I remember vividly when CVS Caremark, a pharmaceutical management company, changed their criteria and included gender dysphoria as a covered diagnosis for puberty blockers. I thought they had put the option on the questionnaire to trigger an automatic denial. But no - it triggered an approval. Medicaid started to cover it. I got so good at getting approvals with my by then tidy packet of articles and documentation that I actually had people in other states calling me to see what I was submitting (the pharmaceutical rep gave them my number because they wanted more people on their drug, which, shady, but sure. He did ask me if it was okay first).

And here’s the key point of this story:

At no point, during any of this, did it ever even occur to any of us that we might have to worry about whether or not what we were doing was legal.

It just never even came up. It was the medically recommended treatment so we did it. And seeing what’s happening in the UK and certain states in America is both terrifying and genuinely shocking to me, as someone who did this for almost fifteen years, without ever even wondering about the legality of it.

The doctor retired some years ago, at which point there were two other doctors in the state who were willing to prescribe the medications for transgender kids. I truly think that he would still be working if nobody else had been willing to take those kids on as patients. He was, by the way, a white cisgender heterosexual Boomer. I remember when he was introduced to the concept of ‘genderfluid’ because one of our patients on HRT wanted to go off. He said ‘that’s so interesting!’ and immediately went to Google to learn more about it. 

I watched these kids transform. I saw them come into the office the first time, sometimes anxious and uncertain, sometimes sullen and angry. I saw them come in the subsequent times, once they were on hormone therapy, how they gradually became happy and confident in themselves. I saw the smiles on their faces when I gave them a gender marker letter for the DMV. I heard them cheer when I called to tell them I’d gotten HRT approved by insurance and we were calling in a prescription. It was honestly amazing and I will always consider the work I did in that red state with those kids to be something I am incredibly proud of. I was honored to be a part of it.

When I see all this transgender backlash, it’s horrifying, because it was well on the way to become standard and accepted treatment. Insurances started to cover it. Other doctors were learning to prescribe it. And now … it’s fucking illegal? Like what the actual fuck. We have gone so far backwards that it makes me want to cry. I don’t know how to stop this slide. But I wrote this so people would understand exactly how steep the slide is.

[planetallure]

⁺‧₊˚ ཐི⋆♱⋆ཋྀ ˚₊‧⁺ dark!fic recs

CW: once again, these works contain dark and explicit themes that may be upsetting or triggering to some. please use your discretion and discernment.

@cherienymphe : when i first seriously got back on tumblr and got into dark!fanfic, cherie's was one of the first blogs i found. her writing was essentially my indoctrination. it was terrifying how much i loved it/her writing. truly phenomenal. i've read quite of few of her stories (mainly for rafe cameron, jj maybank, steve rogers, and peter parker) but i'll list my faves.

"when the party's over" - its something about this series...i think about it often. if you're into forced pregnancy or corruption tropes, tap in.

"wicked games" - i actually first read this one on ao3 before i discovered her tumblr and was absolutely gagged. another one i think of often.

"amnesiac" - the first series of hers that i ever read. absolutely traumatized me and i sobbed reading it. amazing storytelling.

"the hills" - another bangerrr. a one night stand ends in complete and total blackmail and entrapment. he just wanted to give her a better life *clown face emoji*.

"his father's son" - after ward death, rafe takes over the reins in more ways than one.

"teenage dirtbag" - this series single handedly made me a jj girl. the tension??? yup yup mhm.

"the less i know the better" - ironically my favorite part of this story is readers relationship with rafe but seeing jj slowly and then rapidly descend into madness? yeah.

"claimed" - a/b/o dynamics. brought me back to my wattpad days. still eat it up.

"daddy dearest" - steve meets a single mom and decides to be not the stepdad, but the dad who stepped up.

i'll be honest, i was a non believer in dark!peter but: "she's with me", "one last time." "suburbia" and "basic training" made a believer outta me. hands. down.

@lambtotheslaughterr : it absolutely amazes me the things that come from her mind. the level of creativity and originality needs to be studied. oona, you are criminally underrated.

“rise” - the first series of hers that i read. arguably the best series i’ve read on here thus far. this is the first part to her “the day the world ended” universe and it completely blew me away. i couldn’t believe that something like it had come from some silly little boat show. just brilliant.

“when the bough breaks” - the first work of hers i read. this one for me was a heartbreaking slow burn story, but the smut…makes up for it. yes yes.

“i burn” - sex!addict reader x rafe cameron. need i say more? actually, i will. the smut and tension in this one towards the end? it was shameful how turned on i was.

“one way or another” - buckle up, grab a snack, and prepare for the ride of a lifetime. that’s it.

“something wicked this way comes” - a single mom trying to escape her past, except her past is rafe cameron. this was one very spooky scary la la.

"summit" - the second part to the tdtwe universe. its still brand new but its already feeling like another banger, i mean it's oona. tap in.

@harryspet : rae was also apart of my indoctrination and boy did she do what needed to be done. her perfectly curated moodboards alone did it for me. very mindful, very demure.

"homestead" - what can i say...i'm a sucker for pregnancy stories :( and this series was no exception. absolutely delectable. enjoy.

"well kept" - classic millionaire ceo x reader, my younger wp reading self cheered gleefully. my love language is acts of service and boyy was this one speaking my language. had me at "scheduled braiding appointment."

"bambi eyes" - this one was one of those that made me want to take a good long look in the mirror and ask myself, "is this who we are...is this what we represent?"

@sherrybaby14 : this one is for the mcu girlies. more fics than you could ever ask for. everyone say "thank you, mother!"

"the distraction" - i'm starting to notice a kidnapping/stockholm syndrome pattern here...ANYWAY! work is realllyy stressful for steve and you just happen to be the perfect distraction.

@straywords : she's no longer active but her incredible writings remain so please, peruse. its like a beautiful museum over there.

"a break" - *gasp* another pregnancy story! stucky edition.

@darkficsyouneveraskedfor : an icon, a legend, she is the moment! another infinite library for my mcu girls. roo has all you could ever want or ask for.

@perlelune

"all too well" - yes, yes, another one, its who i am. rafe cameron proving once again that you can't escape him.

"lucky" - best friend!rafe x reader. he didn't know what he had until it was almost gone

"tag, you're it" - never read a scream fanfic before this one but boy did i have fun! chad is so pookie in this too :(

@honestsycrets : back when i was in my miguel era, sy single handedly kept me fed.

"starved | mio" - "mio", in which you babysit mayday and it gives miguel baby fever and "starved", in which he made you a mom...but its left less time for other activities.

"stung" - sex pollen/abo. reader gets bitten by an anomaly causing a reaction that only miguel can cure

"amor y respeto" - he just can't love you the way you need to be. so you and miguel break up...at the worst possible time.

"exclusive" - you and miguel are fuckbuddies. you want more, but miguel can't bring himself to give it to you. so you find company in hobie, who's there for you in all the ways that you need. miguel's not happy about that.

"canary" - you're a singer in the 1920s who's fallen in with the dangerous o'hara brothers.

"grande" - sex!worker miguel x assistant!reader. think...a pepper x tony kinda dynamic. except, miguel doesn't take kindly to certain slights. :)

@starfxkrinc : last but certainly not least! moony is a ridiculously talented writer and a mutal of mine. i found her early on during my resurgence on here. this is her new side blog (rip lovesickbrat and starfxkr!!) luckily she was able to salvage a lot of her past works and is back like she never left. i recommend her "western nights" series (really just the trailer park!jj tag in general) and her "ode to eaters" au. a queen of all things taboo. she does it for the girls who are drawn to the dark and scary. the gross and weird. <3

[alexaloraetheris]

I juat remembered the day, about two months ago, when I went to renew my perscription and ended up derailed by some kind of divine influence that really, really wanted my help. 😂

So I have an appointment at 9. First thing I do is sleep in because my alarm simply did not ring. First time that happened. I cursed out the damn phone and ordered a taxi, which I had specifically hoping to avoid because of the traffic congestion.

My driver is a woman a bit older than me, and she's in a good mood so we chat. She told me she was thinking of moving to [city on the coast] because taxi drivers are paid better there, and I tell her I have family there, we comment on what it's like to drive in a city essentially built into three hills and a cliff. She mentiones she has scoliosis, and it sometimes impacts her ability to sit in a car for long periods of time. I had scoliosis as well, but I had managed to fix it with exercises almost completely so I recommended my physical therapist, and assured her it's not too late, because some of the people in my therapy group were even older than her. When she let me off she thanked me for the help.

Feeling good that, even if I had to pay out the nose for the ride, I got there in time and even managed to do a good deed. I rush in, tell the reception guy I'm here to see my doctor and settle in to wait.

Two hours later, I see people being called in but not my name. I ask why, and doctor looks at me blankly and says I'm not in the system. I have to tell the reception I've arrived so I show up on his schedule.

I'm mentally cursing out the entire hospital, but I wasn't raised by wolves. I thank the doctor, politely tell the different receptionist that the last guy probably didn't hear me when I told him my appointment, got added in and went back to wait.

Ten minutes later, a visibly nervous girl with freshly printed papers sits in the waiting room. I'm in a bit of a mood, but I'm also a firm believer in helping if I can. I paste on a smile and ask 'First time?' and she admits she just got sent here for a potential ADHD diagnosis and she had no idea what to do. Having been there and knowing exactly how hard it was to do it on your own, I gave her the number of the psychologist who made my diagnosis, assured her that the psychiatrist she was here to see is the same one I have and that he's a good guy, explained what ADHD actually was and how the meds work. She was neraly crying with relief by the time I was done, and I promised she could send me questions if she needs to.

I finally, finally go in for my appointment in a slightly better mood, only for my psychiatrist to tell me Concerta is no longer imported, I have to go on some other meds and for that I need my family doctor to sign off on a regular perscription instead of getting an Rx perscription from him.

This is the worst case scenario, because I do NOT want my mother, who thinks ADHD was invented by quack American psychologists to sell expensive meds to parents with unruly children, to know I have ADHD. So I mentally curse out the entire healthcare system, go to the family doctor and explain the situation, that my mother absolutely CANNOT know about my diagnosis. Even though the doctor was not aware of my diagnosis so far, she listens attentively, and we make sure that my mom can't check the insurance we're both under to see what meds I'm on or that if she checks my name in the pharmacy directory she can't see me either.

I thought I handled that situation rather well but I must have looked more worried than I thought, because the doctor admitted her high-school age granddaughter had been asking questions about psychologists and antidepressants and she had so far been dismissive. But if she really needs help, she might do the same thing I did and seek help on her own, and my doctor realized she ought to either change her attitude fast or be left in the dark while her granddaughter is struggling. So I told her which psychologist I went to when I was also a depressed high schooler and how it helped and what I would have wanted my family to keep in mind. She thanks me and hands me a new perscription and sends me on my way.

So by now I am starting to notice a pattern.

Now, I'm actually an atheist, and I have 'Culturally Catholic' as a flaw and a laundry list of Stuff(TM) I have had to unlearn, but sometimes I really wonder if Someone Up There looked at me that day and thought:

"Hmm, looks like I have three problems I can solve with one well-positioned dumbass. Time to ruin her day for the good of the world!"

I mean. Happy to help but I really hope ruining my day won't be necessary next time.

[ktdragonborn]

Another Spencer. (Chapter 2)

Carlton Lassiter X Female Reader (Shawn's Sister)

Summary: You finally moved back to California after almost 15 years away. When your mom and dad separated, your dad got Shawn and your mom took you. (Don't ask me why it's just what they agreed on). But now you're back! And you never expected to meet such a dashing Detective that would sweep you off your feet.

Characters: You, Carlton, Shawn and Gus, Juilet, Henry Spencer (dad), Madeleine Spencer (mom), Chief Karan Vick, mention of many other characters.

Warnings: Some bar tension, some dude tries to hit on you for approximately three seconds, so nothing bad. There will be smut and other graphic scenes as the story progresses.

~This story follows the show Psych. Plots from episodes are mentioned and some chapters will have you added to them. I do not own any characters from the TV Psych, just a big fan of the show and a bigger fan of our boy Lassie. I couldn't ever find something that hit my craving for Lassiter so here I am. This will also be a very long story. Very long. I'm starting it towards the end of Season 2 and plan on writing it throughout the whole show, skipping some episodes but in the end, it'll be very long.~

I forgot to add this to the first chapter, but let me know in the comments if you wanna be added to the tag list! Thank you everyone for the support so far on this story!

Chapter 1

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You walked into your office bright and early in the morning. It was only your second week in California, let alone in this office, and you were still getting used to traffic and the city's layout. So much had changed since you last visited Santa Barbara, and it was a tad overwhelming at times. 

You turned on the overhead lights and started to prep your office for the day. Small lamps where you conducted your sessions and plenty of green plants around your office. It wasn't a huge area. There was a small lobby entrance for a waiting room-type thing. You had filled the room with a couch and a couple of chairs with a coffee table. Magazines and books for people to read as well as a water cooler. A small desk sat next to the door that led to the larger part of your office. There was a computer and phone set up. No one used it except for you, you weren't busy enough to justify hiring a receptionist- although you have thought about reaching out to Shawn since you know he's bored when he doesn't have a case to work. 

You set your bag down and grabbed everything you needed for the day from your desk. Thankfully, you had two new clients today. Your full schedule included four patients, two new ones, and two “regulars”. They were the first two to join your clinic and have been coming to you ever since. You were thankful for their “business”, and they had been spreading the word about you to their friends, promising every time they see you that they’ve got friends trying to find time to come see you. You set up in the larger room, sitting in your “therapist chair” as Shawn so lovingly described it. You read over the file of the first patient today. They wanted a check-up/check-in with their mental health. In the file they described what they had been feeling, they had been anxious in the workplace and began to realize that their friends were quite toxic. You began to formulate some reasonings and diagnoses for their ailment, just preparing yourself for the appointment but you knew you would keep an open mind throughout the appointment. You looked at the time and realized your patient would be here soon. You got yourself and your patient some water and sat down in your chair awaiting their arrival. 

~I know, You know~

You breathed deeply, leaning back in your desk chair. You moved your hands up to your eyes, giving them a good rub before sitting back up and packing up all your belongings. Today had been a long day. Simple enough, however, one of your returning patients came in with some new drama as she loved to describe it. You probably knew more about this girl's life than her parents at this point and you were happy about it. You were glad you could be the safety net that she needed. However, you knew now that you needed a drink. You shut off the lights and locked the door behind you, heading to your car and going to the closest bar you knew of. 

~They just don’t have any proof~

The problem about being a girl in California in a bar all by yourself is being a girl in a bar all by yourself. Unfortunately, the state you're in doesn't change much of anything. You sat alone at the bar, you took an end seat, and the only seat open next to you would cram someone up against the wall. You thought that might keep people away but unfortunately, it didn't. Fortunately, however, today was Friday, which meant you could relax and decompress from the week you just had. 

Another man tried to move into the seat next to you. You had been observing him across the bar and knew he'd try something. About 4-5 drinks in and his buddies kept pointing at you too. You looked at him and gave him a small smile. “Sorry pal, seats taken,” that's been your excuse most of the night, playing up that you're waiting for a friend or a date to stop by. 

“We've been here the whole time you have, and no one's shown up yet,” the man slurred through his words and started to get close to you. You reached for your drink and covered the top of it, not risking anything. 

“I might've gotten stood up but I'm willing to wait. Again, seats taken sir, please go back to your friends.” 

“Ah come on, I bet I can show you a better time than the chump you were meeting,” his hand started to caress the back of your arm. You frowned and looked at his hand. 

“If you don't stop touching me right now you will regret it.” Your tone was strict and your glare was firm. He took a step closer to you and his breath reeked of alcohol. 

“Oh yeah? How am I gonna regret it?”

“I suggest you leave her alone right now pal,” a very authoritarian voice echoed in your ears and you looked behind the man to see a taller man, with salt and pepper short hair and piercing blue eyes. He took your breath away but you stayed focused on the interaction. The man turned around and his whole body language changed when he had to look up to see your savior (hopefully). 

“What's it to you, buddy?" The drunk man tried to sound tough, but it didn't work out. 

“The fact that she's so uncomfortable with you around that she has to cover her drink. Leave her alone before I get the cops involved. I have ties to the SBPD.” The drunk man nodded and walked away quickly, seemingly spooked by something the man showed him. 

“Thank you for that, it's been happening all night but he's definitely been the most persistent one.”

“It's not a problem,” the man said, his blue eyes sparked when he saw you fully for the first time and he smiled at you. You smiled back and offered him the seat next to you. 

“I've been saving this for someone, at least that's what I've been telling everyone else. It's yours since you saved me.”

“Well thank you,” the man started and you signaled for him to stop for a second.

“I'll fit better over there since it's so close to the wall. Plus I think I'll be leaving soon so might as well give you the good seat,” you got up and switched and he sat down next to you. 

“Well thank you for the seat,” he smiled and waved the bartender down for a drink. You nodded and smiled and continued to sip on your drink. You spun around in your chair to face the crowd around you, watching everyone as they interacted. “Do you just come here to people-watch?” Your savior asked as he turned to watch you. 

“I'm a sense,” you laughed a little and turned more toward him. “My dad actually is a retired detective for the SBPD, and he was crazy about making sure my brother and I were super observant. Like crazy observant. My brother is definitely better at it than I am though.”

“Interesting,” the man hummed and looked out to the crowd with you. 

“I am also a licensed psychiatrist, so noticing things about people is kind of my job,” you laughed and the man chuckled next to you. 

“It's kind of my job too,” he said quietly and you turned to him, taking in his appearance. Suit pants, suit jacket, long sleeve button-up shirt. You noticed his shirt was unbuttoned a little bit, showing off some of his chest hair. You could tell he was wearing a tie all day, there was slight redness to his neck from the pressure of it. 

“You're a cop, aren't you?” You said quietly and he looked at you, kind of surprised. “No offense officer, but you're still dressed like a cop, and you have a certain tension to you that cops carry. I saw it all the time with my dad.” He looked down at himself and smirked at you. 

“I can tell you're pretty good at what you do,” he smiled and reached his hand out to you. “Carlton Lassiter, I'm the head detective with SBPD,” you took his hand and shook it. 

“Ooo a head detective, now that's impressive. I'm (Y/n) (L/n),” you took your mom's maiden name after the separation, although she remained a Spencer. Not sure why, but you two never really talked about it. A part of you knew too, that you'd come back to Santa Barbara, and you wanted to make sure to make a name for yourself without Spencer being attached to it.

“A lovely name,” you noticed Carlton swallowed hard, his eyes shifting as if gauging the situation and conversation.

“You're too kind, detective,” you winked and he smiled a little. “Listen, Carlton, I've gotta be honest with you,” you paused and his eyes changed, showing uncertainty, “I just feel like I need to tell you that I'm not a one night stand kind of gal, so I really don't wanna get your hopes up.” Carlton seemed to sign, or let out a breath he was holding.

“I'm fine with that, more than fine with that actually,” he almost said too excitedly.

“That’s a relief,” you laughed and relaxed a little with Carlton. “So, had any good cases lately?”

“I have,” he smiled and adjusted himself slightly, “We just had a case where the victim was murdered with the smallest dose of snake venom from Brazil, some crazy doctor was stealing money from the charity organization they were a part of.”

“Oh, you know what, I think my dad told me about that! Was it at that weird secret society lodge?”

“Yeah! Wait how’d your dad know?”

“He may be retired from the SBPD but that does not stop him from following cases very closely,” you laughed and Carlton nodded with a smile.

“Yeah, I’ll probably be that way too someday.”

“It’s not a bad thing by any means, at least you can still be in on the action without the risk of serious injury, which is good in old age.” 

“I suppose it is. I’m not sure if I’ll ever retire peacefully” Carlton confessed and you laughed. 

“Sounds an awful lot like my dad. There’s certainly a time and place for it, depends on what position you’re in too. Like if you were the Chief you could work for God knows how long, not a whole lot of field work with that position.”

“The field work is the best part though,” Carlton countered and you shrugged and nodded.

“I don’t disagree, but you gotta choose the lesser of the two evils. Fieldwork that can result in not-so-pleasant outcomes may get injured and have to retire early, or, the position of Chief where you can hide away from the outside evil.”

“You make a good point, I’m not sure if I can ever get Chief. Chief Vick is by far one of the most outstanding Chiefs the SBPD has had in recent years.”

“I’m glad to hear it, a good boss means good work.”

“What about you? How’s your job situation?”

“It's great. But that’s because I’m my own boss,” you added with a smile and Carlton gave you a small smile with an eyebrow raise. “I have my own office where I take clients almost every day. I’m working on getting my clientele back up to where it was back home- I just recently moved back to California from Colorado.”

“What brought you to Colorado?” Carlton inquired.

“My mom primarily. She divorced my dad when I was 13. My older brother was 17 and was being impacted the most by their failing relationship, as my mom so nicely explained to me one day. For some reason they just agreed to split us kids, so my brother stayed here with my dad and I went with my mom,” you sighed and Carlton looked at you with soft eyes. 

“I’m sorry. That doesn’t sound easy.”

“It wasn’t, but looking back on it, it was unfortunately the best option for everyone. My brother was basically an adult so my mom thought he would handle the divorce well. He blamed our dad for the divorce. It was my mom's idea though, she never told my brother that so he just assumed it was my dad.”

“Why haven’t you told your brother?”

“It's a conversation I know him and my mom need to have ya know? If I was the one to tell him, he could lash out and not believe me. I know one day he’ll express to our mom how he resents our dad for it, but that’s for the future,” you sipped your drink and took in Carlton fully. The way he carried himself was attractive. He was very confident and calm throughout your conversation with him and there was slight tension building up between the two of you. You thought back to the conversation and realized the trauma dump you just performed. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry.”

“For what?” Carlton asked, surprised at your sudden change of tone. 

“For the trauma dump, I just gave you. You didn’t deserve that.”

“I appreciate it,” Carlton said with a small smile. “It shows you’re comfortable around me already.”

“I guess you’re right. You’re easy to relax around.”

“I guess I should repay the favor?”

“Of trauma dumping?” You laughed and he smiled and shook his head. 

“Not so much of dumping as just sharing more about myself with you.”

“Only if you’re comfortable, Carlton,” you smiled. His eyes lit up and he had a big smile on his face. 

“Surprisingly…I am comfortable. There’s not too much to tell. I became Head Detective of the SBPD in 1996, I’m very good at what I do. I was married, but we’ve been separated for about two years now.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Carlton,” you said with a small frown. You reached your arm out and gently squeezed his arm.

“There are times when it sucks more than others. Right now, however, I’m not too upset about it,” Carlton smirked at you and you felt your cheeks heat up at the blatant flirting. You giggled slightly and let go of his arm, turning back to your drink. Carlton was really having an effect on you. You couldn’t remember the last time a grown man made you giggle because he was flirting with you. Carlton watched your cheeks turn bright red and continued to stare as the redness traveled up to the tops of your ears. He was mesmerized by you. A cute, amazingly single woman who was honest and attracted to him. You were young, he could tell. It made him a little nervous, himself being 40. He was nervous because of his age but he couldn’t bring himself to tell you, in case it scared you off. It wasn’t fair to you, he realized that, but he couldn’t help it. Your phone ringing pulled Carlton out of his trance and he watched as you quickly answered the call, muttering an apology to him. 

“Hey, what’s up?” You asked quickly. Carlton attempted to distract himself with patrons around the bar so he didn’t listen in to your conversation. “Really? Oh gosh okay. Yeah of course. I’ll be on my way,” you said with panic in your voice. Carlton immediately felt disappointed when you said you would be on your way. He turned back to you, and you were looking in his eyes immediately. He stopped breathing for a second, taking in your eyes and how vibrantly your emotions showed through them. 

“Everything ok?” “I’m so sorry Carlton, I have to leave. My brother just called and said something happened to his best friend, who in turn is also like a brother to me.”

“It's not a problem, this is obviously very important.”

“Here,” you said rifling your bag and digging out a piece of paper. You scribbled down your phone number and gave it to Carlton, making sure he had a good grip on the paper. “Call me tomorrow. Or- well, whenever you’re free, call me. I know a detective's schedule can be hard to work with. I’d love to see you again,” you smiled and tipped the bartender, grabbing your belongings and standing up. You looked at Carlton and could see the sadness on his face. You hopped a little in your place before quickly pressing a kiss to Carlton’s cheek. His face flushed red and you smiled. “Please, call me,” you said and started to head for the door. 

“I will,” Carlton called out to you as you turned around and gave him a big smile, before waving and walking out the door. Carlton wasted no time in adding your number to his contacts on his phone. He was absolutely going to call you. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

@capitanostella :)

[wildemaven]

A Cut Above

Pairing: Frankie Morales x Hairstylist!Reader

WC: 2680

Warnings: T; Mentions of food, divorce, lots of pining and fluff otherwise.

A/N: I wanted to write a Hairstylist!Reader story a few years ago, but l wasn’t feeling super confident about my writing and just never got around to it. In the last few months I’ve had this urge to get back behind the chair again, which is what sparked this fic. Still haven’t decided if I will get back into doing hair as of yet, but I can enjoy writing about it. This is not beta’d and hope it reads well cause I’ve been run low sleep. Enjoy!!

Masterlist / Series Masterlist / Next

“You done for the day?”

The question pulls you from your thinking. It’s an organized chaos of mental notes streaming through your subconscious.

“I wish. I have one more then I’m done. It’s a new client too. So I’ll be a bit longer.”

“Color?”

“No, thank god! I don’t think my feet can take another 2 to 3 hours more.” The day was filled with back to back clients— a typical Saturday in the salon. Your clients who worked long hours, were always filling up your Saturdays. “Just a cut. Benny made the appointment for him, said his friend was in need of a change— very vague about it”

“Mmm.. Benny.”

“Earth to Hannah!! Gonna need you to touch back down girlie.” Hannah was the salon receptionist, and Benny Miller’s secret admirer.

“Huh? Oh sorry, got a bit distracted.”

“You don’t say? You know, you could just ask him out, would probably be way more exciting than sitting there and daydreaming about him 24/7.”

“I do not daydream about him 24/7–“ She tries convincing you, but you know her far too well. You shoot her a pointed look— you’re not buying it. “Okay! Alright, I do think about him— a lot! But I can’t help it, he’s so…”

“Pretty?” You finish her thought.

“Yeah. He’s so pretty.”

“Well, I have it on good authority that said Pretty Man Child Benny, might have an itty bitty crush on a cute little receptionist. So, put your big girl panties on and make a move.”

Benjamin Miller— Benny, was a long time client of yours, turned friend. He was in your chair every 5 weeks maintaining that gorgeous head of hair. Gotta look good for the ladies when I’m in the ring— his words.

As the years went on, you found you were collecting Benny’s friends and family as clients. His older brother Will, Will’s wife Nicole, his close friend Pope (still haven’t heard his real name), as well as Mom and Dad Miller. Benny kept your chair busy and you were grateful for that.

He’d text you on Monday saying he’d had a friend who was needing a cut, something about a fresh start. He was in luck because you had one spot open, so you scheduled some guy named “Fish” as your last client for the week.

“Wait really?! He knows who I am?!” Shock was written all over Hannah’s face.

“Hannah, you greet him every appointment— of course he knows who you are.”

“I think I black out the minute he walks through the door.”

“That would explain the drool every time.” You can’t help but laugh at her expense.

She rolls her eyes back at you as she gathers her things from the front desk. “Alright, I’m going to leave before you decide to carry on with this onslaught of nonsense. Going to go home and pour myself a glass of wine in celebration!”

“Celebration?? For what?”

“Benny Miller knows who I am! And he has a crush on me!!” You let her bask in her glory, as she all but floats to the front door.

“Hannah…” You catch her attention before she’s exits. “Text him! Preferably before the wine.”

“Yes mom!” She mocks back at you before the door swings shut.

*

You had 15 minutes until your appointment would be showing up, so you took the time to clean your station up a bit and set up for his hair cut.

Your shears, combs and clippers laid out on your hair cutting tray, clean cape folding on top of your station.

As you were checking over your schedule for next week, making a list of colors you needed to pick up from the beauty supply, the front door opened welcoming your client— your very handsome client.

He looks nearly 6 feet tall, and so broad. His hair is dark chestnut from what you can see peeking out from under his hat. There’s a casualness to him in the way he carries himself— a shy confidence.

“Hi! You must be Fish.” You give him your name as you make your way up to him, extending your hand out in greeting. His rather large hand gripping yours, firm but a gentleness to it.

“Did he really tell you my name is Fish?! Fuckin’ Benny.” He shakes his head, as if to fain off embarrassment. Shoving his hands in his pockets he starts laughing about it. “Yeah, he did. I am assuming that’s not actually your name though. Although, not judging if it is.”

“No, my name is Francisco Morales, but you can call me Frankie.” You notice the flush creeping up his neck— you make a mental note at how gorgeous he is before you get caught staring.

“Okay then, Frankie. You can come on back and have a seat here at my chair. Feel free to put your hat on my shelf there.” Helping him get situated.

“Let me go grab a clean towel and then we can chat about what you are wanting.”

Frankie sits himself down and starts to take in the space. You seem very tidy and organized as he glances over at your tray of cutting tools. He right away decides he likes that about you. Benny didn’t mention how beautiful you were when making him this appointment. He said you were pretty but he wasn’t expecting to be overwhelmed by how stunning you were— he knows he has to try his best to be cool and not ramble on.

He sees you making your way back to him in the mirror, his eyes locked on yours like magnets— he notices you catching him staring, but then you give him a smile that lights up your face. There’s that butterfly sensation tickling his insides, he hasn’t had that happen in a long time, but he welcomes it.

*

Arriving back to your station you take the small towel and place it on his shoulders before securing the cutting cape around his neck.

“So what are we thinking?” You ask as you begin to run your fingers through his hair, taking in the texture, density and the shape of the cut he has now.

“Uhh, I umm… I don’t know. I’m open to your professional opinion.” He didn’t realize he needed to come in with a style in mind. His usual barber usually says “Hi” then starts hacking at it.

“That’s okay.” You look at him in your mirror, his eyes already fixed on you and you feel your breath catch in your throat.

You hadn’t noticed his dimple earlier, and you can’t seem to keep your eyes off of it when he smiles. You steady your thoughts and continue to comb your fingers through his hair making note of how it lays and it’s natural growth pattern.

“You have a nice wave going on. If we work with it and bring your sides and the back in a little tighter the top will lay nicely.”

He’s captivated by everything you’re saying, and yet he doesn’t understand a single word of it. You could tell him he needed to shave his head and he’d willingly let you, no questions asked.

“How does that sound Frankie??”

���Honestly— I have no idea what any of what you just said means, but I trust you.”

“Well, I appreciate your honesty.” You find his nervousness charming. “You won’t be losing much length overall, it will be more shaping and connecting the sides to the top.” Your hands moving around his head as you try to explain your process.

“Again— no clue what you just said.”

“Got it! Enough hair jargon then. Let’s get you back and washed up first.”

The warm water hides the sweat that’s formed on your palms as you begin washing his hair. He’s settled into the shampoo bowl, eyes closed and arms crossed over his chest in such a kicked back manner.

Your fingers work diligently as you begin to scrub the soapy liquid through his wet locks. As you spend ample time working over his scalp, you catch the sound of a faint moan. You don’t think he meant for it to sound so erotic, but it’s stirring a warm feeling with in you.

“Feel good?”

“Mmmhmmm..” It’s all he’s able to manage, your movements awakening him in so many ways, his spine vibrating with an indescribable desire.

Suds throughly rinsed, leave in conditioner combed through, you both get situated back at your station.

He seems way more relaxed, more chatty and asking questions as you go section by section, meticulously trimming away the unwanted ends.

His questions alternated between your professional life and personal— where you grew up, favorite food and what made you decide to become a hairstylist. In a different circumstance, it might have felt invasive— but there was an ease to Frankie that had you spilling your life story to him so freely.

In return you asked him for more about himself. He shared about his life in Delta Force, where he had met Benny, Will and Pope, who you now know as Santiago.

His life as a helicopter pilot keeping him busy most of the time. He even felt brave enough to mention his semi recent divorce. You didn’t feel like you needed to delve deeper into his failed marriage, especially for only just meeting him.

You shared the same sentiment in working long hours and how it had you feeling overwhelmed at times, like you had less free time for yourself— mentioning you were working on trying to have more fun and go out. You shared how your former partners were always annoyed with you for being so consumed with work, the main reason you hadn’t been dating as much.

Checking and cross checking the length, you’re happy with how it’s shaping up.

“How do you normally style your hair? What are your go to products?”

He looks at you with the most sincere and confused expression, nervous to share his routine with you.

“Normally it’s just straight out of the shower, quick rubbing of the towel over it so it’s not dripping, then toss the hat on.” Pointing to the battered hat he’d worn in.

“Frankie! If there’s only one piece of advice you leave here with, please let it be that you never aggressively rub a towel over your hair again!”

He thinks he should feel embarrassed but there’s a sweetness in the way you share your knowledge with him— he will make a conscientious effort to gently pat his hair dry from now on.

“Since you mentioned you are usually throwing on your hat, it’s probably safe to assume there’s not much actual styling going on?”

“Uh, yeah… Not much styling. The least amount of steps possible is my go to method.”

“While the hat vibe is cute, I would not be doing my job if I sent you out of here wearing—”

“You think I’m cute?” He cuts you off. That dimple again making an appearance, his grin slightly laced in flirtation.

“Umm, yes.” Your face feels hot, the blow-dryer not helping much, as you try to remain calm and collected.

“Hm!”

Grabbing some product and applying a small amount to your palm, you begin to distribute it throughout his hair. .

“But I think without the hat is cute too. Easier to see all of your,” You gulp at your next admission. “Attractive features.” You giggle as you finish styling his freshly trimmed hair, each strand manipulated with such precision— the new length really does add to his handsomeness.

“You think I’m attractive too?” He says shifting in the chair, his gaze still steady on you.

“Oh wow, I’m really just letting my internal monologue run my mouth aren’t I?”

He shrugs with the slightest cock of his eyebrows in response.

“And now would be a good time for the ground to just swallow me up!” You groan, hands covering your face as you attempt to hide your embarrassment.

“You’re cute when you get all flustered.”

“So you think I’m cute now? We just going to spend the rest of the night confessing our new found feelings having only just met?”

“Well, I wouldn’t be opposed to it.” He states so casually.

The rest of his appointment is filled with more flirtatious banter, a connection that you’re both very much aware of— yet neither of you stating the obvious

“Thank you again.” Frankie says holding a bag of products he insisted he leave with, wanting to branch out from his usual “hat vibe”’as you called it— said hat’s bill tucked into the back pocket of his already snug blue jeans.

“So… Do you want to set something up for next time?” Pulling out your schedule, hoping that Frankie likes his cut, and you, enough to return regularly. “I think 5 to 6 weeks would be a good amount of time to see you again.”

“Actually— I was hoping I could see you sooner than that.”

“Oh! Okay. When are you thinking?” Slightly confused, you start scanning over the openings you have in the coming weeks.

“Tonight.”

“Tonight?? I’m not follow— Oh! Ooooh!”

“Yeah….” There’s a budding nervous energy about him as you realize what he’s asking. “There’s this sports bar around the corner— the guys and I hang out there from time to time. Anyways, they have some great appetizers and craft beer on tap… If you’re open to it, we could, um go… Unless you have other plans…”

“Yes! I’d love to Frankie.”

“Yeah?!” His face instantly beaming with excitement.

“Yeah! Just let me clean and lock up real quick, then we can head out.”

*

Drinks and appetizers flowed into a moonlit walk back to your car— both of you stalling out your goodbyes.

“So, I’ll call you tomorrow.” Frankie says as his hand cups your cheek, his warm gaze fixed on yours. “I hope this isn’t too soon, but would it be okay if I kissed you?”

“Yeah.. I’d like that.” Leaning into him to close the gap, fingers carding through the nape of his silky waves.

Frankie’s lips all but crash into yours, the intensity growing from your own, eager for more of him. He nips at the plumpness of your lower lip, encouraging them to part for him. His tongue slipping inside your mouth and you can taste the bitterness from his beer still lingering.

A grip is established on your hip, his hand slowly moving around to your backside eliciting a breathy moan from deep with in you as the heated kiss escalates.

Laughter from a rowdy group of bystanders reminds you both of your surroundings.

“Sorry, I got a little carried away there.” Frankie rests his forehead on yours as he tries to regain his composure, his breath fanning across your cheeks— they’re no longer cold from the frigid air.

“Well, I most certainly wasn’t complaining. In fact, I look forward to you doing it again sometime.”

He places a kiss to your forehead, before exchanging goodbyes. He promises again to call tomorrow, and you’re already breathlessly excited for it.

Heater cranked up in your car, willing your body to adjust to the heat. You grab for your phone in your purse, pulling open your message app so you can send a quick text before putting the car in drive.

-Hey Benny, just wanted to thank you for setting that appointment up for Frankie. He’s a great guy! Super funny and hella charming.

-You sure we’re talking about the same Frankie?? 😉

-Funny! Anyways, I appreciate it and I’m looking forward to seeing him again!

-Oh! Hannah called, we’ve got a date next week!

-You be good to her Benny!

-Of course! No problem! Make sure you and Frankie thank me in your wedding toast 🍾🍾 Night!!

You roll your eyes at his last text before tossing your phone in to the passenger seat. The entire drive home you can’t get Frankie out of your head, wondering if he’d find you too eager to call him when you got home.

The decision made for you by the buzzing of your phone— Frankie’s name flashing on the screen.

Next

[rocknrollbabe14]

Meant To Be (Dad!Joe x Reader) Part One

Rating: 18+ MINORS DO NOT INTERACT. SEXUAL THEMES THROUGHOUT.

Warnings: mentions of pregnancy, sexual situations, sexual innuendos? If I missed anything, let me know. This is part one and is currently a work in progress, it does follow my other series but can be read alone.

To read the events leading up to this one, click here.

 It had been a couple of weeks since finding out you were pregnant. You were shocked—absolutely floored to learn you were pregnant again. When you and Joe sat down and counted back, the math added up. You had gotten pregnant on your anniversary trip. In your mind, the chances were small because you had been using condoms. But something had to happen—it had to have either ripped or got a hole in it. Once you got home, the opportunities were few and very far between. You called your OB and scheduled an appointment. Today was your first appointment and ultrasound. They would tell you how far along you were.

“Love, are you ready?”, Joe asked easily, coming down the stairs.

He let his beard get longer and he was wearing his glasses. 

“Yeah, are your mom and dad here yet?”

“Almost.”

You told Joseph’s mom and dad that you had a doctor’s appointment, however, you didn’t elaborate on the type. The kids were happy to see their nan and grandad. You gulped easily while thinking about adding one more baby to the mix. It was so surreal. Since finding out you were pregnant again, you felt super bloated and tired, but you knew why. You could tell a very small change in your belly. After kissing the kids goodbye and telling his mom and dad goodbye, you all left. 

“What’s wrong, love?”, Joe asked, laying a hand on your thigh.

He could read you like an open book.

“It’s just hard to keep it a secret.”

“I know, love. But I know you want to make sure everything’s okay with our little peanut.”, he touched your belly easily.

“I do. But I just feel like I’m coming apart at the seams keeping this inside.”

There was a moment of silence between you both. 

“Maybe we can tell Jess and Jamie this evening? Since they did tell us they’re pregnant.”

There was suddenly a feeling of hope, to finally let your biggest secret escape. 

“Okay.”

You were back at the doctor’s office, for something you didn’t think you would be back for—pregnancy. Joe held your hand as you both entered, seeing the women in various stages of pregnancy and in their lives. You signed in at the front desk. 

“We’ll call you as soon as we’re ready.”, the receptionist smiled.

With that, you and Joe sat down in the lobby. Joe could tell you were anxious. He could understand why after everything you both had been through. He leaned over and kissed your cheek easily. With this pregnancy, you hadn’t experienced nausea or vomiting, thankfully. With Amelia, you were so sick. With Arthur, you were slightly sick on and off. You had felt slightly queasy a couple of mornings with this baby, but no severe nausea or vomiting. It was just a few minutes before the nurse called your name.

You and Joe jumped up, following the nurse through the door. 

“Alright, Mrs. Quinn. We are going to weigh you and take your vitals.”

You nodded, letting go of Joseph’s hand and standing on the scale. You had gained a pound. But that could be from anything. They took your vitals, everything was perfect. The nurse asked you questions before telling you Dr. Bennett would be in shortly. Joe sat in the chair beside the exam chair. 

“I’m so nervous.”, you sighed. “Even if it is my third baby.”

“It’s going to be okay, love.” 

Joe squeezed your hand easily before the doctor entered the room.

“Hello,”, she sing-songed. “Didn’t think I would be seeing you all so soon.”, she smiled.

“Neither did we.”, Joe joked easily. 

“Definitely not.”, you agreed.

Dr. Bennett had delivered both of your babies and taken care of you with all three pregnancies. She asked you to lean back, feeling your belly and asking you a few questions pertaining to this pregnancy.

“Alright, we’re gonna do an ultrasound just to confirm the gestational age of your baby.”, she smiled as she turned down the lights, getting the sonogram machine set up. 

You slid your pants off and pulled a blanket over your thighs before putting your legs in the stirrups. You closed your eyes, trying to relax as she lifted your shirt and squirted the cool gel on your belly. Joe squeezed your hand, leaning over to kiss your head. 

“Alright, let’s see.”

She ran the transducer over your belly, trying to get the best view. Her eyes were focused, looking for the baby. You could hear the swish and swoosh as she moved around. 

Joe was keeping his eyes on the screen, ready to see his baby. 

“Ah! Here it is, here’s your baby.”, Dr. Bennett smiled. The baby was small, barely able to tell its head from its little nubs of arms and feet. 

You instantly fell in love with it, a smile spreading across your face. 

“Joe, look at it.”, you breathed easily, tears forming in your eyes.

“It’s so tiny. Look at our baby’s little head.”, he smiled, kissing your head.

It was a relief to see your baby, even if you could barely make out it was more than a little blob. Joseph watched you take a deep sigh, smiling with tears in your eyes. In this moment, he thinks most of your anxiety and doubt washed away. He always gave you the choice—it was your body, your choice. But in your mind after losing your second baby, you were thankful to be able to get pregnant again. Given the circumstances of how this happened, it seemed like it was meant to be.

“Baby looks good. You look to be around six weeks pregnant.”, Dr. Bennett smiled, before she began printing you off several images. 

“Congratulations mom and dad.”, Dr. Bennett handed them to you.

You kissed Joe again before you sat up easily, Joe helping to wipe the gel off your stomach. You slid back into your pants easily as Dr. Bennett said she wanted to see you back in a month. You’d be ten weeks by that point. You all scheduled your follow-up appointment on the way out. As Joseph drove home, he asked if you wanted to pick something up to take home. You all agreed on lunch. As you pulled into the driveway, Joe watched you, eyeing all the ultrasound pictures.

He smiled softly, shutting the car off.

“Joe, it’s so small.”, you said softly.

“It is.”, he rubbed your thigh easily.

“So cute….we really made another baby?”, you asked easily, looking up at him.

“Looks like we did, love.”, he chuckled as he leaned over and kissed you.

You thought it’d be an innocent peck but he deepened it quickly, placing a hand on your cheek. You all pulled away easily, looking deeply into each other’s eyes. 

You groaned easily, laying your head on his chest. “We have to keep our little baby a secret.”

“Not much longer, love. You can tell Jess and Jamie, remember?”, he touched your cheek.

“I know, but it’s so hard to go inside and pretend like this little peanut doesn’t exist, especially since I’ve laid my eyes on it.”

Joseph smiled, brown eyes warm. “I know, baby. But tonight in bed, we can talk about our little baby all you want to, okay?”, he rubbed your flat belly easily. 

“Okay.”, you smiled brightly before kissing him and sliding your ultrasound pictures into your purse. 

Joe unlocked the door, instantly met by Amelia and Arthur. 

“Hey babies.”, you smiled before picking up Arthur, and kissing his head.

Amelia hugged you easily before Joe picked her up.

“Babe.”, Joe said easily, his eyes directing to you holding Arthur.

He was so worried, especially after reading you weren’t supposed to lift more than twenty pounds. 

“I’m fine, Joe.”, you said softly. 

“How was the doctor, mummy?”, Amelia asked.

“Ma-ma, ma-ma.”, Arthur rattled off before you hugged him tighter. 

“Fine, mommy got a good check-up.”, you smiled at her, running a hand through her curls. 

“We brought lunch by the way.”, Joe smiled.

You sat your purse down on the bench of the hall tree at the entrance of your house. Joseph and Amelia offered to go get the food out of the car. You went on through the house, sitting down with Arthur on the couch. It was finally amazing not to have nausea and vomiting. Arthur began to fuss slightly, and you beginning to rub his back before you gave him his pacifier.

You and Joe had made a mental note to start breaking him from it soon, his pediatrician telling you as long as it was before he turned two. 

“Everything went okay, dear?”, his mom asked.

“Yes, great.”, you smiled, kissing Arthur’s head.

In seven months and two weeks, you’d have another little baby to hold in your arms. The thought made you smile softly, remembering that little blob you’d seen just this morning. You were becoming eager to see it again, feeling all warm and fuzzy knowing you were carrying your little peanut. It was so hard to keep this secret inside especially from your family. Your mind was wandering off, wondering whether this baby was going to be a little boy or a little girl. Either way, it would have an amazing family who would love it. 

You all ate lunch, knowing Jamie and Jess were coming over around three. Arthur was in his crib, sleeping hard. His mom and dad were making small talk. You ate your salad and had a hamburger, feeling more starved than usual. His mom and dad felt something was off in the room, but decided not to ask what that was. After lunch, his mom and dad left, allowing you time to get ready for Jess and Jamie. 

You were putting some dishes away, stretching to reach the top of the cabinets before Joe came to the rescue, putting the plates up before chuckling, kissing your cheek quickly. He wrapped his arms around your waist, his hands on your flat belly. 

You smiled back at him. “There’s nothing there to feel yet.”

“I still know it’s there.”, he smirked, kissing your neck.

“What’s there, daddy?”, Amelia asked, causing you both to jump.

Joe laughed nervously, before running a hand through his curls. You felt your cheeks glowing a little red. You both turned around to see her, holding Mr. Octo easily. 

“Um just this cup, it’s my favorite.”, he smiled easily, grabbing the first dish off of the counter. 

Amelia gave her daddy an odd look, confused by his recent actions. “Daddy, they’re all the same.”

You thew your hands out to Joe as if to ask him, ‘what was that?’ Joe looked back at you, shrugging. Amelia eyed her daddy before sitting down at the kitchen table and continuing to color in her coloring book. Joe ended up getting some water in the cup before you all sat down at the table with her, admiring her skills. In your mind, you were thinking ahead and were already beginning to realize your time with Amelia was precious. 

Time with both of your kids was precious. Once this baby came, a lot of your time would be consumed taking care of it—feeding it, burping it, changing it. The thought was a little overwhelming, but just seeing how happy Joe was this morning when you both laid eyes on your baby, those thoughts melted away. Amelia noticed you were in deep thought. 

“Is everything okay, mummy?”

She brought you out of your trance. “Hm? Yes, love. Mommy’s just thinking.”

Amelia accepted this answer, continuing to color. “When are Uncle Jamie and Aunt Jess coming over?”

“They’re on their way.”, Joe answered, looking at his cell phone.

You all hadn’t told Amelia that Jamie and Jess were expecting. Jess was ten weeks now. She had another ultrasound this week and was dying to show you the baby. You, in turn, were dying to just at least tell her you were pregnant in the first place. Amelia asked Joe to help her color her picture in the meantime while you grabbed some water and some grapes, trying to eat something healthy in place of the hamburger earlier. 

Time slipped away from you all, the doorbell ringing. 

“I’ve got it.”, you said softly, scooting your chair out.

You made your way to the door, opening it to see Jess and Jamie standing there.

“Hello, darling. How are you?”, Jamie greeted with a hug.

“Good. How are you, Jess?”, you hugged her tightly. 

“Sick but otherwise, okay.”

“She’s been very sick, love.”, Jamie kissed her cheek easily, holding her waist.

“Been there, done that. But it’ll be worth it when you hold that little baby in your arms.”, you reassured her as you invited them in.

They slid their shoes off and got more comfortable, following you into the kitchen. Jamie noticed Amelia and Joe coloring. Amelia abandoned her coloring to hug Jess and Jamie. This time, it seemed a little more sentimental as they both realized soon they would have their own baby to share this with. Jess sat down with Amelia, asking her what she was coloring and if she could join her. Amelia was ecstatic that her Aunt Jess wanted to color with her. 

Jamie and Joe admired you both beside her, giving her suggestions on how to color the picture. She loved your suggestions and took heed of your words. Joe wanted to blurt out so badly that he and you were having another baby. But he bit his tongue. He agreed, it was so hard to keep your little peanut a secret especially when Jess and Jamie were going to be talking all about theirs. Arthur’s cries made you jump, coloring outside the line of Amelia’s coloring book.

“Mommy is so sorry, honey. Mommy didn’t mean to.”, you breathed, holding your breath. 

You were worried she would break down, crying. Often when she got overwhelmed, she would cry. Her teacher talked to you and Joe about it at her last parent-teacher conference. She was a perfectionist. Her teacher complimented how much she paid attention to detail, but you hated to see your baby cry. 

“It’s okay, mummy. You didn’t mean to.”

Joe had gone upstairs to get Arthur from his crib. He was getting better about taking naps in his crib. You and Joe had to get serious about buying a new house. You needed more room with another baby coming. Your house was big, but unless you wanted your kids to share a bedroom, it was going to be a better idea to buy a new house, which you had planned on anyway—just not this soon. 

You exhaled with relief at Amelia’s words. 

“We’re going to the living room with Arthur. Just us boys, right buddy?”, Joe kissed Arthur’s head before ruffling his hair.

He laughed at his daddy. At least he had woken up in good spirits. 

“Ew…boys.”, Amelia crinkled her nose, causing you and Jess to laugh.

“I’m sure daddy is glad you feel that way.”, you smirked at her.

Joe always dreaded the day she had her first crush. You know it was inevitable, part of her growing up. He almost thought he was still safe for a while, considering he thought it would happen when she first started school. Since Amelia did not have a positive remark regarding boys, you figured once she found out you were pregnant, she would hope for a little sister. Amelia was a great big sister to Arthur, once she adjusted to having a sibling. It was hard on her. She had been the only child for four years.

Once you all finished the page in the coloring book, Amelia looked up at you. “Mommy, can I go play with my Barbies?”

“Sure, honey. Mommy will call you when dinner’s ready, okay?”

“Okay, mummy.”

Amelia took off up the stairs, leaving you and Jess alone in the kitchen. 

“Can I ask you something?”, she asked easily as you grabbed you both a cup of coffee.

“Sure.”, you began. “You can ask me anything, Jess.”

“Is it normal I don’t exactly—feel—“, she swallowed hard. “Feel—like?”

“Being intimate?”, you finished for her, taking a sip of your coffee.

You and Joe hadn’t had very many opportunities to have sex since arriving home from Paris. You were so sick with Amelia, shuddering at the memory.

“Yeah.”, Jess agreed sheepishly. 

“Yes, especially when you’re so sick.”, you nodded, remembering the many mornings you spent leaning over the commode. 

You shuddered at the thought. You were thankful that so far, you hadn’t experienced any nausea or vomiting. This baby had cooperated so far. You hoped it would continue. 

Jess sighed, taking another sip of her coffee. “Plus, I just feel so tired all the time.”

“Me too—I mean—I did.”, you stuttered, silently cursing yourself. 

Jess gave you a questionable look at first, but it faded before she nodded. You all continued to talk about pregnancy, newborns, and a toddler. You all took a moment to observe the men playing with Arthur. Jamie was talking to him, entertaining him, and making him laugh. It made Jess swoon, mimicking exactly how you felt about Joe when he interacted with the kids. It made your ovaries hurt. Probably how you ended up in the position you were in currently. 

Arthur got on the floor playing with his toys as you and Jess went into the living room. He was smacking his toy cars against the carpet, babbling, and saying his favorite words.

“Wanna see the baby?”, Jess asked, smiling.

“Duh-of course!”, you playfully rolled your eyes.

Jess easily fished the ultrasound pictures out of her purse, bringing them over to you first. 

“Oh my God….how precious.”, you pouted easily.

Jess smiled proudly. It was her ten-week ultrasound. The baby’s head was visible, reminding you of the baby you had seen just hours earlier. Jamie eyed you both, his eyes full of pride. You looked over at Joseph easily, a smile across your face. He winked easily, smiling—knowing exactly what you were smiling about. It made you giddy inside, knowing you were carrying another little part of you and Joe. You and Joe kept eye contact intermittently as Jess got up to give it to Jamie to show Joe.

Joe eyed it as Jamie pointed to each part of his little blob. Joe looked up at you, smiling like you all were in high school and it made your stomach twist into knots. Jess was sipping her coffee as Arthur got up from the floor and came over to her with one of his toy cars in his hands. 

“Aw, do you have a car, Arthur?”

Arthur nodded easily. 

“Is blue your favorite color?”, Jess followed up.

He nodded again, finally smiling his semi-toothless grin. Jess picked him up easily, beginning to play with him. You excused yourself to make dinner easily, gaining a kiss from Joe. He looked at you, concerned. He knew you had been extremely sick with Amelia and Arthur. You nodded, letting him know it would be okay. After cooking, you sat at the table.

“I hope I can eat.”, Jess sighed softly, sitting down. 

Joe slid Arthur into his high chair as you handed Joe his sippy cup. Arthur took it easily, beginning to drink his milk. You all sat down easily, beginning to talk. Amelia still didn’t know that Jess and Jamie were expecting, much less her own parents. Jess was able to stomach some of her dinner, helping you clean the table. Amelia went back to her room to play more Barbies. Arthur was fussy and needed a small nap. It was only Jamie, Jess, Joe, and you. Joe glanced over at you as if to ask you if you were ready to tell them.

“So, Joe and I brought something a little more back from Paris….”, you trailed off easily. 

Jess gave you a confused look as did Jamie. 

“Yeah, we did.”, Joe came behind you, kissing your head before he wrapped his arms around your waist, fighting the urge to rub your flat belly. 

You easily grabbed your purse after bringing it into the kitchen. You opened your purse, pulling out your own ultrasound pictures. You handed it to Jamie and Jess easily. 

“We’re pregnant.”, you finished easily, Jamie and Jess’s eyes growing wide, eyeing your small little blob. 

“No way! I thought there were no more babies.”, Jess teased with a smile.

“Well, we definitely weren’t trying…..”, Joe brushed through his curls easily, becoming slightly bashful. 

“So our little one will have a playmate?”, Jamie asked, smiling.

“Looks that way.”, you smirked.

Joe kissed you easily, rubbing your flat belly. 

“How far along are you?”, Jess asked easily. 

“Six weeks. Three days?”, you looked back at Joe.

He nodded. 

“Wow, we’re only like four weeks apart. Any nausea?”, Jess asked.

“Nope, so far, so good.”, you smiled brightly. 

“Lucky.”, Jess muttered. 

You laughed easily. “To be fair, I was very sick with Amelia and Arthur.”

“Do the kids know?”, Jamie asked.

You both shook your head. “No, we are waiting for a few more weeks to make sure everything is good with the baby. We haven’t told my mum and dad yet.”, Joe rubbed your flat belly again. 

You sighed easily, thinking about all you had to accomplish in eight months. You all were still trying to find a house, considering your family was growing. You all wanted a new house anyway, but now there was a reason. You sat your purse back down on the bench of your hall tree, Joe slowly letting your waist go. Things were going to start back up for Joe again soon, meaning you’d either have to go with him or stay home with the kids. You weren’t sure which one you would do yet. 

Amelia eventually came back downstairs, allowing Jamie and Jess to witness how a five-year-old and a one-year-old interacted. Amelia was sitting, minding her own business when Arthur climbed up on the couch and sat beside of her. All of a sudden, he pulled her hair. 

“ARTHUR! DADDY! ARTHUR PULLED MY HAIR!”, Amelia shouted at the top of her lungs, causing you and Joe to jump easily.

Joe sighed, he was trying to be the disciplinary parent. “Arthur, don’t pull your sister’s hair. NO.” He moved Arthur’s hand and stared at him sternly, no sign of emotion on his face.

His ‘no’ was harsher than you were used to him speaking. Joe was very soft-spoken with the kids and you. 

Arthur eyed Joseph, looking up at him with brown eyes. You watched it easily. Suddenly, Arthur’s lips began trembling before he burst out into a full-on cry. Joe sighed, feeling like the bad guy. He understood his children needed discipline at times, but it was hard to do so. Your heart shattered into a million pieces to hear Arthur cry. You fought back your own tears. You knew adding another baby to the mix would only make things harder and more stressful. 

Part of you was also worried that it would take a toll on your marriage. The last thing you wanted to do was break apart your family. You knew in the back of your mind, Joe would take the best care of the kids regardless of whether you were together or not. Joe would be even the best ex-husband but you didn’t want it to come to that. Your heart couldn’t even bare the thought of losing him. 

“Welcome to parenthood.”, Joe sighed easily, rubbing his forehead. 

Jamie and Jess looked at one another.

Arthur finally stopped crying, beginning to snub. He reached for you, you picked him up easily. Jamie and Jess got ready to go, giving you and the kids hugs and telling you they would come back over soon. You were busy in the kitchen, making sure everything was put away.

“Arthur, no that’s mum’s purse!”

Joe was sitting at the bar when he picked up his glass of water, ready to head into the hallway. You turned around, realizing what was in your purse. It was too late, Amelia had your purse on her shoulder, the pictures in her hand, and had walked Arthur into the kitchen by this time. 

“Mummy?”, Amelia asked easily, confused. 

“Yes, love?”, you asked easily, her eyes switching back from the pictures to you and Joe. 

“What are these?”, she asked.

Joe gave you a panicked look, and you both tried to figure out what to say. 

“Pictures.”, you said calmly. 

“But they look like the kind you had of Arthur.”

Joe came over and got Arthur from her, coming to stand beside you. Should you all come clean?

Joe sighed easily. “Baby, we weren’t really meaning for you to find them right now.”

“What’s going on? Is mummy pregnant again?”

You eyed Joe sympathetically before sighing and closing your eyes. “Yes, mommy’s pregnant again but please don’t tell nan and grandad. Daddy and mommy want to make sure everything’s okay with your little brother or sister before we tell them, okay? Mommy’s still very early—only six weeks.”

Amelia had began to pick up Joseph and his parent’s accents. You didn’t mind—you all lived in the UK. It was expected at some point. 

She looked shocked, her mouth agape. “So I’m getting another brother or sister?”

Joe nodded. “It’s too early to tell yet, princess.”

Amelia nodded, trying to process this on her own. She eyed the slew of pictures. “I hope it’s a girl this time.”

You and Joe laughed easily, bending down to take her in your all’s arms. 

“It looks like a blob.”, she stated matter of factly. 

Joe looked so proud before he took the pictures, beginning to show Amelia where the baby’s head was, where its arms and legs were starting to form. “Here’s the baby’s head, princess. And you can see where its little arms and legs are starting.”

Her expression changed between confusion and understanding. Joseph kissed her head as Arthur laid his head over on Joseph’s shoulders, fighting sleep. 

“So when can we tell nan and grandad?”

“After mommy’s next check-up.”, Joe eyed her seriously.

“Okay, daddy.”

“Promise not to tell?”, he eyed her, smiling. 

“Promise, daddy.”

[atwooozi]

gojo x reader

Chapter 17: Stay With Me

summary: Over pizza and a lighthearted TV show, Ai notices a rare vulnerability in Gojo that draws them closer. As the night progresses, the two share quiet moments, from sorting through photos to watching a bizarre horror movie.

genre: modern AU, slice of life, comedy, eventual romance, eventual smut, some angst

A/N:

Hello again! We're actually getting to a point where I need to start writing up some fresh chapters. The ending for this half of the story is in sight but we still need to connect everything to make it work if that makes sense. I'm really excited and proud of what I've created and to those who are reading it thank you for following this story like you have.

The song for this week's chapter is iconic if you love city pop. It's called 真夜中のドア/Stay With Me by Miki Matsubara . Whenever this song comes up for me on shuffle I always find myself a bit nostalgic but happy. I feel that while we don't know much from Gojo's perspective the lyrics kind of capture what he's thinking.

READ ON AO3

When Gojo had come back from the gym, Ai and Geto were sitting in front of the TV with a pizza box in between them, watching Takeshi’s Castle. Ai looked towards the door when she heard it open and she smiled Gojo’s way, giving him a small wave. 

When Gojo opened the door, he looked somber–if Ai hadn’t seen it herself, she wouldn’t have believed it. As he entered, he looked as if he was carrying the world upon his shoulders, but when he noticed that someone was there to welcome him home, it was as if he had become weightless. Ai wasn’t so deluded as to think that it was only because of her presence–after all, his best friend was there, in addition to a warm meal. 

Ai also had days when she would come home to her apartment after an especially hard day of work, and at those times she likely looked similar to Gojo—longing to be greeted by someone as she walked through the door. But unlike Ai, Gojo always had to be “on”. No one cared if Ai seemed quiet or sad, but what would people say if Gojo stopped wearing that same smile, day in and day out?   

“Satoru, come eat while the pizza is still hot,” Geto called out. 

Gojo threw his gym bag off to the side and plopped himself in between Ai and Geto with a smile. 

“How many people have made it so far?” Gojo asked as he looked up at the large TV in front of them. 

Ai smiled as she watched Gojo and Geto, listening to them quietly talk about the show while she chewed on her slice of pizza. Gojo’s hair was still damp, and he had changed into more casual clothes. He seemed much more relaxed than she had ever seen him before. It made her heart feel warm. She wished she could take a picture of him at this moment and save it forever

“Ai-chan!” 

Ai jumped a bit when she heard her name. 

“W-what?” Ai huffed, she felt her cheeks flush.

“Do you want more?” Gojo asked with a smile. “I’m pretty hungry.” 

“Go ahead.” She waved her hand at him and shifted her attention to the TV.

⨯ . ⁺ ✦ ⊹ ꙳ ⁺ ‧ ⨯. ⁺ ✦ ⊹ . * ꙳ ✦ ⊹⨯ . ⁺ ✦ ⊹ ꙳ ⁺ ‧ ⨯. ⁺ ✦ ⊹ . * ꙳ ✦ ⊹⨯ . ⁺ ✦ ⊹ ꙳ ⁺

Geto had left first, he said that if he didn’t leave any sooner than he did he’d end up sleeping there, and while he usually would he had some commitment in the morning that he couldn’t miss.

Ai wasn’t sure why she stayed. Maybe because she didn’t want to imagine Gojo alone with that sad look on his face. There wasn’t any other reason for her to stay otherwise so she was helping Gojo put away the pictures that she assumed Tsumiki had pulled out earlier that day.

“Those kids…” Gojo sighed as he collected some photos. “They just leave a big mess and leave.” 

Ai giggled as she handed Gojo the pile of photos that she picked up. “You call them kids but they’re only six and eight years younger than you. Technically they’re adults.”

Gojo snorted. “How adult were you at twenty?” 

Ai pursed her lips in thought and laughed. “My mom still schedules doctor appointments for me sometimes,” she admitted. 

“Exactly.” Gojo smiled gently. 

They continued to sort through the photos silently. Unlike other times when Ai would be alone with Gojo, she didn’t feel as anxious. There was tension there regarding where they stood, but the ease between them at the moment overpowered those underlying anxious feelings. For the first time, things felt comfortable, even if things weren’t clearly defined for them yet.   

“Hey Ai,” Gojo called out to her. 

Ai felt her heart jump. Gojo had called her by her name countless times now, but he dropped the honorific and without the usual bratty tone of voice it felt almost too intimate. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to run or collapse on the floor right there. 

“S-Satoru…” Ai cursed at herself for stuttering but did her best to remain cool. However, when Gojo cracked a smile at her stutter she wanted to smack him upside the head. 

There was a moment of silence between them and it made Ai want to scream. Just when she thought she could feel comfortable Gojo pulled the rug right out from under her. It was as if he knew just when to push her buttons. 

 “Part of me wondered if…” Satoru hesitated for a moment, thinking of how to phrase his words. 

Ai glanced up at him, waiting for him to continue, but his eyes flicked away from her own.

“A part of me wondered if when I came back you’d be gone.” His voice was barely above a whisper. 

There was a vulnerability in Satoru’s voice that she had never heard before. She almost felt like it was something that she wasn’t supposed to hear. She wondered how Satoru felt that night at karaoke or even when she left him at the train station…it made her heart sink. 

“I’m sorry,” Ai said in a soft voice. 

It didn’t even sound like her own. If she had heard it played back to her she would have a hard time accepting that such a sad sound had left her mouth. The sound wasn’t what she was ashamed of. She couldn't care less about that. She was ashamed of her pitiful apology. He had tried to bear his heart to her time and time again, but she pushed him away each time. She had been so frustrated that he wouldn’t open up to her, but she was the reason they were that way, and all she could say was “I’m sorry”. 

Satoru smiled down at her and gently ruffled her hair like he had many times before. Ai lifted her eyes to meet Satoru’s gaze and felt the tears well up behind her eyes as he looked at her with such undeserved tenderness. He slid his hand to cup Ai’s chin, his thumb idly rubbing against her bottom lip, which parted for him easily. 

Satoru’s eyes dropped to Ai’s mouth before speaking again, his voice falling into a low, quiet, but relaxed tone. “There’s nothing to apologize for.” 

Ai nodded her head silently. She didn’t agree with him, but she wasn’t going to beg him for forgiveness. He just wasn’t that type of person. Instead, she chose to enjoy his presence, he felt like an anchor which was funny since all of her anxieties seemed to stem from him, but in this moment, he grounded her.

“I’m glad I’m here,” she whispered. “With you.” 

Satoru’s smile softened, a warmth illuminating his features as he leaned in to press a feather-light kiss against her forehead. “Stay with me a little longer.” He murmured, his words laced with sincerity. 

And so she did…

⨯ . ⁺ ✦ ⊹ ꙳ ⁺ ‧ ⨯. ⁺ ✦ ⊹ . * ꙳ ✦ ⊹⨯ . ⁺ ✦ ⊹ ꙳ ⁺ ‧ ⨯. ⁺ ✦ ⊹ . * ꙳ ✦ ⊹⨯ . ⁺ ✦ ⊹ ꙳ ⁺

Ai was wearing a pair of Gojo’s shorts and a T-shirt. Even his casual clothes were expensive just by the way the material felt against her skin. She had a sneaking suspicion that the shirt she was wearing could cover at least half of her rent if not all of it. 

She sighed and sat down on Gojo’s plush couch, cozying up against the arm of the seat. She wanted to take up as little space as possible. The whole situation filled her with anxiety, so the smaller she could make herself, maybe the easier she could disappear. They hadn’t done anything wrong. They didn’t even kiss, but the intimacy of it all weighed heavily on her. Despite not crossing any physical boundaries, the emotional walls had started to crumble. 

“You okay, Ai-chan?” Gojo asked as he came out of his bedroom with a blanket. 

Ai flinched when she heard her name but nodded. “Mhm.” 

Gojo pursed his lips and gave Ai a skeptical look as he plopped himself down next to her. 

“You sure?” He asked teasingly as he leaned his face in closer.

“Yes,” Ai pouted as she tried to shrink away from him. “Do we have to sit like this?” 

“What do you mean?” 

Ai frowned at Gojo. “You have this big couch and you’re practically on top of me.” 

Gojo broke into a smile and laughed. “You don’t want me on top of you, Ai-chan?” 

Ai’s face flushed and she looked away from Gojo. “Just move over, Gojo…” she muttered as she crossed her arms over her chest.  

“Satoru,” he corrected as he gave Ai some space. 

Ai relaxed some when Gojo eased off of her. She watched as Gojo scrolled through a list of movies to pick from. He looked so at ease as if this was a regular day for him.

“Do you like scary movies, Ai-chan?” Gojo asked suddenly, breaking the silence. 

Ai thought about it some and shrugged. “I don’t hate them.” 

Satoru grinned. “Then we can watch my favorite movie.” He turned to the screen, hitting a button on the remote. “If you get scared I won’t laugh at you too much.” 

Ai rolled her eyes and turned her attention to the screen. “Your favorite movie is Human Earthworm Four?” 

“It’s good!” Gojo insisted. “Have you seen it?”

Ai sighed as she wondered what she had gotten herself into. “I couldn’t even get through the first one. It was so gross.”

Gojo busted out laughing, his laughter filling the room and washing away whatever tension that remained. “It’s not that bad!” he teased, giving Ai a playful nudge. “This one is more of a romance, anyway.” 

Ai gave Gojo a skeptical look. “I can’t even tell if you’re being serious or not.”  

Gojo grinned mischievously and pressed play. The opening credits rolled, and Ai could already tell that it was going to be a memorable night at least. She stole a glance at Gojo, who was leaning back comfortably, looking far too pleased with himself. 

“I’m serious, Ai-chan. This movie is a masterpiece,” Gojo said, his eyes twinkling with amusement. 

Ai sighed, she really couldn’t tell if he was messing with her or not. “Fine, I’ll give it a chance, but if I have nightmares I will never forgive you.” 

Gojo chuckled and draped the blanket over both of them. “Deal.”

As the movie progressed, Ai found herself inching closer to Satoru despite her best efforts to stay composed. Human Earthworm 4 was even more grotesque and bizarre than Ai could have imagined. Now and then, Gojo would lean in to whisper to her to see how she was holding up, and if anything that put her more on edge than the movie ever could. 

At one particularly tense moment, Ai flinched and grabbed Gojo’s arm without thinking. He looked down at her hand and then back up at her face, a smirk playing on his lips. “Scared, Ai-chan?” 

Ai quickly pulled her hand away, her cheeks burning. “No! I just–you said this was supposed to be a romance.” 

“You need to learn some patience, miss.” Gojo teased as he gently took her hand back and held it in his own, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “Just watch, I’m here with you.” 

Ai’s heart raced, but she didn’t pull away this time. Instead, she did her best to focus on the screen, trying to ignore the warmth that was spreading through her at the simple gesture. She felt like she was in high school all over again with how shy she was acting over something so simple as holding hands. 

The movie ended with a bizarre twist that left Ai more confused than anything. She turned to Gojo, narrowing her eyes at him. Was this truly his favorite movie? 

“How can you call that a romance?” 

Gojo laughed as he looked over at Ai with tender eyes. “You didn’t see the love story? It’s all about connecting with someone despite their circumstances.” 

Ai shook her head in disbelief. “You’re insane…I must have missed that part when they revealed the human earthworm babies.” She couldn’t help but break out into a smile. “But…thanks for sharing that with me.” 

“Anytime, Ai-chan,” Satoru said softly, his tone suddenly more serious. “I’m really glad you stayed.”

Ai glanced up at him, she felt that anticipation build up within her again. “Me too, Satoru.”

They sat there for a moment, just looking at each other, the mood shifting to something more intense. 

Then, Gojo broke the silence with a playful grin. “So, you ready to watch Human Earthworm Three? They make more sense this way.”

Ai groaned and threw a pillow at him. “Absolutely not!” 

Gojo laughed and held up his hands in surrender. “I was joking. No need to get violent, Ai-chan.” 

Ai huffed, settling back against the couch. She looked over at the goofy man who sat next to her and couldn’t help but smile. Oddly, she found herself feeling more relaxed than she had in a long time. Maybe it was the exhaustion from the long day that was hitting her, or maybe it was how at ease she felt with Gojo. Either way, her eyes grew heavy, and she started to drift off. 

Gojo noticed and gently adjusted the blanket around her. “Sleep, Ai-chan.” 

She mumbled something incoherent, already half-asleep, and Gojo smiled softly. He rested his head against hers, letting the sound of her gently breathing lull him into a more relaxed state. 

For the first time in a long time, Gojo hadn’t felt that loneliness that he had become accustomed to. As Ai slept beside him, he promised himself that he would do whatever it took to keep this feeling alive.  

[kart0]

Currently experiencing dissociation and depersonalization

Yeah gonna be real honest I haven't been feeling very well past few days. I don't know. I just. I feel rather.. strange. far. Today I wasn't even able to wake up on my own ( I have 4 alarms set ) my mom had to shake me. And when I opened my eyes, I knew. Something was off. Wrong.

I felt like floating, really. As if I'm not able to reach and actively touch. At class I mostly zoned out until I started feeling very anxious and hot, my heart was pounding and I felt so strange. Like if I was having an anxiety attract but without any of the thinking. What was wrong ? I felt like I was gonna pass out. I couldn't move.

And I felt so distant. Far from everyone. Like I wasn't even there. I talked to some friends and had some really short conversations but apparently I couldn't even tell what I was saying. I couldn't even remember.

I ended up going home by myself ( instead of going with my friends which is what I usually do ) I felt like I needed to be alone. Still do. I thought that maybe walking alone would be better. I'm not sure.

I tweeted about it ( yay twitter is back in Brazil ) and my friend said that this was dissociation. And I googled about it and I guess...I guess it is. It feels so strange. I feel like I should be upset but honestly I don't think I can feel anything at all. Which worries me.

I wonder what triggered this. I wonder how to snap out of it.

Maybe this didn't help but I weighed myself today. I lost weight. Even more. The sick part of me should be happy but it doesn't. And the rational part of me feels disappointed. Yeah. Of course you lost weight, you barely eat. You skip meals. When you do eat you don't eat healthy. And I have to ask myself, why am I not happy ? I wanted to lose even more weight as sick as it sounds. But apparently not even my mentally ill part of me feels proud.

It's more of a shame situation I think. Some months ago I posted here what I thought to be the solution to my eating disorder but I wasn't able to work on it due to my tendonitis and severe pain. But now that I feel a little bit better I just lost all energy and motivation to do anything. I don't have the will to cook. Or to take care of myself.

Am I depressed ? What's going on.

I did scheduled a psych appointment which is good. I just hope it's not serious. I wish I wasn't so sick all the time.

[causenessus]

OMG NEVER FEEL SORRY ABOUT NOT RESPONDING RIGHT AWAY!!! I totally get it, some days are just like that!!!! I’m literally just here to yap at you so respond whenever you feel like! Don’t feel obligated to respond at all because you don’t owe me anything!!! <3333

Slowly but surely I’m making my way through the depression room lol. My mom wants to turn my room into a guest bedroom and the basement into my new room so it needs to be cleaned by the end of the year. So hopefully more surely than slowly lol- OMG GOOD JOB!!!! I LOVE THE FEELING OF ACCOMPLISHMENT FROM FINISHING SOMETHING WELL!!!!

NESS YOU CAN’T JUST TELL PPL YOU’RE PROUD OF THEM- I WILL START CRYING 😭😭😭😭😭😭🫶🏻

Worry not! I am not stressing about senior year!!! I’ve already decided where I’m going to college just waiting for the applications to allow me to apply for fall of 2025 (I’m going on vacation summer 2025 and thus will not be able to start- it is a cruise in case you’re curious 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ my graduation present if you will) BAHAHA!!! Definitely what happened! I smash so many holes in walls/j

(HOW DID YOU KNOW I HAD A COOKIE HEAD??? WHO TOLD YOU???/lh)

Good news! We did not take senior photos! And yes my hair appointment went very well 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ I now have purple and pink hair (split into like four sections and it’s like alternating so pink in front and purple in back on one side and the opposite on the other side) THE ORANGEY PINK WAS NOT PRETTY. DO NOT LET IT FOOL YOU. It was like bad blonde orange and like salmon pink- not good it looked really bad and washed me out bcs cookie anon has a complexion that rivals Casper the ghost.

AHFJWJCJSJ I WILL SEND SO MANY ASKS. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’VE STARTED. I LOVE YAPPING AND APPRECIATE THAT YOU YAP JUST AS MUCH IN YOUR REPLY!!!! <3333

I too think about Suna a lot, just a weekly basis (love notes Suna gets like three-four times a week. Regular/Timeskip Suna only gets like twice a week if he’s lucky. The rest of the time is spent thinking about that one Osamu manga panel 😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨)

I can see it now; Atsumu did something (took the Mac n cheese from Y/N’s apartment for his own selfish Mac n cheese midnight snacks) and Y/N of course goes to complain to Suna who laughs at her and then tells Osamu- In which case, Bakery Anon will become evil 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ anything for Osamu (+ Love Notes! Y/N…Suna is there but Y/N <3) so we put chiles in the icing of cupcakes and give them to Atsumu. Tada! Self Shipping During the week hours-

Okay! I think I found the fic so RAMBLE TIME.

NAH Y/N IS SO REAL FOR THE “I mean he wasn’t hot before” BUT THEN HE GETS COVERED IN BLOOD AND PATHETIC. REAL REAL REAL. AND THEN SUNA SENDING THE PHOTO. I’M NOT ENTIRELY CONVINCED HE DIDN’T PURPOSEFULLY TRY TO RECEIVE WITH HIS FACE TO SEND THE PHOTO TO HER.

ALL OF YOUR TAGS ARE SO REAL. I ALSO HAVE VERG NON PG THINGS TO SAY ABOUT HIM. JWJFJWJDJSJ

Okay back to our regularly scheduled programming.

I read your little about me and I agree. Oikawa is also very important to me. I could write an essay on him and why he’s such a Human character. and why he’s perfect to be like a 1-1 with Kageyama but also be his own thing separately- this is not a ramble about him though so 🧍🏻‍♀️

OKAY YAPPING DONE. CLOCKING OUT.

For the people who made it this far and see this: YOU GUYS ARE WORTHY OF LOVE. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise, you deserve to be loved and not be a secret. You deserve food, your body needs it to function. You deserve water, it’s very important. It helps with headaches, make sure to get sleep. I know it’s difficult (I have insomnia so I get it) but routines help even if just a little bit. Remember to rest and that you deserve a little break. And if no one else tells you today. I LOVE YOU <3

For Ness: I LOVE YOU <333 YOUR WRITING MAKES ME FERAL. (If you can’t tell). I can’t wait to continue yapping with you, yap sessions >>>> you ALSO deserve a break. If you don’t feel like writing then we’ll be here after your break. Remember to have fun and take care of yourself. Drink water and eat food! I know it’s easy to forget but as long as you eat some sustenance! Good job!!!!

-sincerely bakery anon 🍪

BAKERY ANON THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR PATIENCE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH :(( AND PLEASE COME IN HERE AND YAP WHENEVER!! like even if i haven't answered a previous ask DON'T BE AFRAID TO SEND ANOTHER ONE!! I WILL GET TO THEM ALL EVENTUALLY I LOVE READING YOUR ASKS AND WHATEVER YOU TALK ABOUT!! I LOVE IT ALL <3

AND AA!!! GOOD JOB TO YOU TOO!! i would come there and help you clean out your room if i could </33 I AM THERE WITH YOU IN SPIRIT!!! AND I HOPE IF YOU MOVE INTO THE BASEMENT IT'S NICER!! i feel like basements are always kind of nice bc they have more room and privacy?? but that's just me!!

AND I'M GLAD YOU'RE NOT STRESSING ABOUT SENIOR YEAR!! have as much fun as possible <3 like i had friends who went crazy and were taking ap bio and ap chem and ap calc BUT I WAS LIVING MY BEST LIFE WITH THE BARE MINIMUM REQUIRED CLASSES AND CONCURRENT ENROLLMENT CLASSES!! i'm glad you've already got where you plan to go and everything planned out!! good luck with your applications <3 AND HAVE SO MUCH FUN ON YOUR CRUISE AAAA THAT SOUNDS AWESOME!! (personally i'm terrified of the water BUT I HOPE YOU HAVE FUN!! THAT'S SUCH A COOL GRADUATION GIFT AND YOU TOTALLY DESERVE IT <3 PLEASE DO CHECK IN LIKE NEXT MAY OR WHENVER ABOUT YOUR CRUISE/AFTER YOU GO ON IT AND HOW IT IS!! [and ofc pls check in again before that as well <3 i love hearing from you <3])

AND I'M GLAD YOU WERE ABLE TO?? MOVE YOUR SENIOR PHOTOS OR THEY AT LEAST DID NOT HAPPEN BEFORE YOU GOT YOUR HAIR REDONE!! and OMG THE PURPLE PINK SOUNDS SO COOL!! i just saw someone on instagram today who like half their bangs were bleached sort of platinum-gray-white and the top of her hair was the same color but then the sort of undercut/layers were her natural dark hair color AND IT LOOKED SO COOL!!! (but i don't think my asian hair would let me do that color unfortunately </333) AND DW ABOUT THE ORANGE PINK COLORS 😭 i remember my sister tried to dye some of her hair purple but (once again blaming it on asian hair) it literally just died and turned some type of medusa/ursala green-grayish color it was so bad 😭😭 BUT AA THE RED AND PURPLE NOW SOUNDS SO GOOD!!

REGULAR/TIMESKIP SUNA ONLY GETS TWICE A WEEK IF HE'S LUCKY 😭😭😭😭 LMAOO THAT MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD AND OMG i think i was driving yesterday and i thought about that one really cute osamu timeskip panel where he puts on the jersey and like looks back at the camera to match atsumu on a tv screen also wearing a jersey <33 LIKE OMG HE'S SO CUTE (i shouldn't think about that while driving tho like...i was definitely distracted ahem...ANYWAY)

YES OMG BAKERY ANON JOIN THE SELF SHIPPING HOURS!! you and love notes osamu and me and love notes suna <33 it's perfect!! it's so so cute <33 imagine u and osamu like coming up to atsumu being like "tsumu!! we made u mac n cheese because we know how much u love it <3" (you guys made it with orange juice 💀) AND SUNA AND YN ARE BOTH RECORDING FROM BEHIND A WALL </3 ik u guys just set up the most foul pranks ever!! (but atsumu def deserves them <3)

AND OMG NO I THINK SUNA DEF TOOK THAT RECEIVE TO THE FACE ON PURPOSE AND LIKE IMAGINING HIS LITTLE SMIRK WITH THE BLOOD COMING OUT OF HIS NOSE HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I NEED TO GO REREAD THAT FIC OMG

and omg yes oikawa is so so important to me <33 i just ranted about that in my answer to mango anon's ask 😭😭 BUT HE'S SO HUMAN AND HE DESERVES THE ENTIRE WORLD!! HE DESERVES SO MUCH LOVE AND TO BE REASSURED HE IS ENOUGH AS HE IS AND THAT HE'S SO SO AMAZING AND THE BEST PERSON IN THE WORLD AND <333 i think i've said this somewhere here before but like every few months or so i have this one friend who also watches hq who is a very firm kageyama stan and maintains "oikawa tried to abuse him!!" he's bad!!! and me (very firm oikawa stan) am like "OKAY?? HE ABUSED HIS MIDDLE SCHOOL TEAMMATES?? they both changed oikawa is NOT a bad person yap yap yap!!!" (sorry i def turned this into a ramble about him 🧍‍♀️)

EVERYONE LISTEN TO WHAT BAKERY ANON IS SAYING!!! YOU ARE SO IMPORTANT AND LOVED <3 MAKE SURE TO EAT AND DRINK LOTS OF WATER <3 TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES!! (and that goes for you too bakery anon!!! <3)

and thank you for your sweet reminder bakery anon!! i'm so glad you enjoy my writing <33 that makes me so so happy to hear genuinely it means the world and really fulfils my motivation!! i will make sure to take a break if i feel like i need it and thank you so much i love u <33 I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN I LOVE THESE YAP SESSIONS!!)

[naomiknight-17]

I had a stress dream where I was on a bus chatting with a friend and I suddenly realized I'd missed my stop so I hopped off the bus in a panic

But I had no idea where I was. Just trees either side of the road as far as the eye could see, except there was a small aquarium across the road

So I went into the aquarium to ask for directions and the guy was like "Oh wow, yeah, you're a loooong way from home, here's how to get to a train that will take u back that way"

The train - unlike so many transportation options that appear in my stress dreams - actually DID take me home, but it took too long. I'd missed an important babysitting/class-teaching thing I'd had scheduled (like it was my job and I missed a shift??) But my mom covered for me. Whew

BUT. Also it was after 5 pm and that meant I'd missed my cat's very important vet appointment and there was no way to reschedule!! Ack!

So I woke up panicking about the appointment only to look at the clock and see that it was still over 4 hours away

Worrying about Billi's vet appointment is much of the reason I couldn't get to sleep in the first place last night. Of course it got into my nightmares too.

[alaskan-wallflower]

i know this is random but i miss my childhood dog. she died on the first day of school this year. i came home and she wasn’t there to greet me at the door. i panicked and went to my mom who told me she died at the vet.!8 didn’t even get to say goodbye to her because i was rushing out the door and assumed i would see her when i got home. but when i got home, my mom ended up telling me she had scheduled a vet appointment the night prior and the vet said she just died. nobody was there with her. nobody was there to comfort her. nobodynwas there when she died. and i know it ain’t the same as a human family member dying but i had that dog since i was three. ever since i could remember my dog has comforted me more than my own family has. she would be there to lick my tears away and cuddle me when i needed it, even if it took a while to regain her trust after three year old me would tug her ears and tail constantly. but she was there for me when no one else was. if that makes sense. i know she was just a dog but she was my dog and my solace.

i miss her a ton. i know this was random but i saw a dog that looked identical to her today, and someone asked how my oc got her name. so that’s why i named my oc baylie. because of my childhood dog.

i’m already prepared for the hate anons to call me cringe or whatever but i really fucking miss her. i never got to say goodbye. none of my family did. she comforted me and i wasn’t even there during her last moments because i was at school. and then our second dog just ended up being mopey and sad for months. she’s still mopey and sad tbh. it just hurts sometimes because i feel like i pushed it deep down. i didn’t even cry when i heard because i just shied it so far down and now im here thinking about it at 12 in the morning evagse ui can’t sleep.

i just wish i could’ve said goodbye.

[transmanwillgraham]

Long post ahead.

Okay folks, tomorrow begins my last business week of having chromosomally mandated breasts. I wanted to talk about my top surgery journey, as it has been so far.

I've been wanting this for longer than I've been aware of my trans identity. It has likely come from a place of gender dysphoria that, at the time, I could not articulate. By exploring my wants, needs, and feelings about my body, I've been able to build a better relationship with it. I remember asking my mom if I was supposed to be a born a boy in high school. With the thought that my body seemed wrong somehow, that I was wrong somehow. For years, I felt like a floating head, just existing adrift like errant litter.

I've avoided feeling how important this is to me simply because of how big it is. It's an event that the rest of my life will feel the ripples of. I am ready for and terrified of it.

It took a long time to overcome a mental block in pursuing top surgery. I wanted it but was not ready for it, had not felt like I was in a safe landing place to accomplish it. I attended my first appointment with the University of Kansas Health Systems Gender Clinic to discuss surgery. The process began in December 2022 with telehealth visits. From Dr. G and her staff, I was referred to Dr. A for one of two letters.

If you have it, insurance must approve the procedure to cover it. That includes letters from both a psychiatrist (Dr. A) and from a licensed clinical therapist (my therapist, N), attesting to your readiness to undergo surgery. These letters are deeply personal, built from in depth conversations about your identity. They validate your experiences, and outline your plan(s) for care after surgery. Once obtained, I had to send them in to the Gender Clinic, where they helped collect the paperwork I needed.

I attended two telehealth appointments with Dr. G and her nurse in December 2022, the appointment with Dr. A in April 2023, and an appointment with N in May 2023 to get my letters and referrals sorted. After providing the Gender Clinic with both letters, my consultation was scheduled.

I received the call to schedule in July or August of 2023 and my consultation was set for February 20th, 2024. Admittedly, I was devastated at first. Then, I worked through my feelings and accepted that it would still happen even if it was a hot minute. I decided to focus on myself and my social circle, building new relationships and rehashing old ones. I genuinely truly felt alive for the first time in a long time after getting my letters, and I did my best to live alongside my anxiety.

On October 13th, 2023 my surgeon's office called with a sudden opening for a consult on Halloween. It was a glorious rug pull. A panicked delight. I drove out and talked with Dr. P about the process and some expectations. We took photos of my chest from a few different angles (titty mugshots) and sent them to insurance alongside my letters. I was euphoric at the same time as on edge. How soon would my procedure be? How quickly would Dr. P's office get back to me? How far out would the surgery be scheduled from my consultation?

Time passed. I felt many complex things all at the same time. A mouthful of all of the Skittles but in my head. I am eternally grateful for all of my friends for their patience, as well as the space they've allowed me to feel through this. I have been fraught and all over the place, it feels.

When I found out my surgery was approved by my insurance, I was not contacted by Dr. P's office. My anxiety was faster. I checked my insurance account and found that insurance approved sometime after November 1st. I called Dr. P's office and left a message for his nurse, asking after the scheduling process. A few days after that, she called and we scheduled the surgery for January 12th, 2024. More than a month before my consultation had originally been set. What I had thought would take a year if not longer to accomplish had been drastically accelerated.

At some point after my consultation on Halloween, I began to internally feel like Sandy Cheeks trying to beat hibernation. So many small moving parts to this whole thing have had to be organized. From designating responsibilities to my friends, collecting supplies for post-op recovery, and learning as much as I could, plans have fallen into place. Any gaps that arise will be adapted to. (I'm working on unclenching about it still.)

I started going back to therapy regularly to help with the mental load. N says she's noticed I'm more settled in myself and I can feel it. In the way that you know exactly what you need to in dreams- that strange euthymic understanding- I also know that I am ready for this change. I am ready for the discomfort, the vulnerability of it. Just the thought of being more me than before is cathartic. I'm excited for all of the nitty gritty that I know is part of this.

I can't wait to feel how my shoulders unburden. I can't wait to feel sun and air on my skin in lovely weather. I can't wait to be unrestrained, whole, and one with my body.

I can't wait to be at home in myself.

[twopoppies]

hi, gina, sorry for adding this to your inbox. i just really had a hard day. it's okay if you don't post this, i won't mind. just need to let out something bc i'm really going to combust if i keep it still. so i just got hired as an hr recruiter in an architectural firm. and then suddenly, my boss appointed me as her executive assistant which is very far from the original job they've offered me. and yk what gina, being her exec assistant was too much for me. i booked her an appointment at conference room for the departments' meeting and we only have an hour because someone will use the room too at 3pm so i booked the conference at 2pm. my boss came around 2:30, idk why bc i was in the conference with other managers. when she came, i told her that we only have 30 minutes left and then she embarrassed me in front of the managers and literally yelled at me saying "well that's your problem! make a solution! what do you want me to do, then? you're my assistant, do something about it! don't waste my time!" and i was literally shaking, all eyes on me. i was so embarrassed, i feel my anxiety rising. that was such a worst experience of my life, gina. she got mad too when i told her i don't have an iphone and only use android bc she wants her schedule the exact thing that iphone notes has. i need to printscreen her schedule and send it to her. i told her i didn't have that kind of notes and she said that it's my problem and i should do something about it because she wants it the same. she yelled at me and points out i don't have any right to question her because she hired me. my family never once do that to me, so why would she? in the first place that wasn't my job, i am supposed to be a recruiter, not her assistant. i decided to do awol today. i told my mum about it and she said that it's okay, that my boss is such a disgrace and i didn't deserve all of that. when i left the office i was lirerally crying because it was too much. sorry for rambling, gina, and for my english. just really have to say this. hope you have a good day, gina 🤍

Oh, sweetheart. I’m so sorry. That sounds like an absolutely horrible experience. And, frankly, she sounds like a horrendous boss. Is there anyone you can talk to about the fact that you’re being asked to do a completely different job than what you were hired for?

And I’m sure your boss thinks being an executive assistant is simple, but it’s actually something that’s really requires a fair bit of knowledge about how things work, and if you’ve only been suddenly plopped into the job, I can imagine you’d make a few mistakes at first.

Also, fuck her for telling you you need to have an iPhone. Does she pay you enough for you to just run out and buy $1000 phone? Honestly, if that’s required by the company, then they should provide you with an iPhone. Fuck that. Sorry. I’m glad your mom was supportive. I hope you can work things out when you go back to work on Monday. Sending you lots of love. 💕

[thechaosmuses]

Hey darlings, I just wanted to pop on and let y’all know I’m gonna be on in a little bit, I promise. I’m also gonna talk about why I’ve not been here under the cut just to give you guys an update on me but please do not feel like you have to read it, I’m just putting it there mainly to ease my own mind and get stuff off my chest. Before I get to that though; first off, I just wanna say thank you to everyone who’s been patient with me these last few weeks. It really means the world to me that you guys still wanna rp and talk to me even though I know I’ve been really bad at being here. Just, thank you all from the bottom of my heart. And secondly, if anyone would like memes or one liners sent their way just reply to this and lemme know who you want or if I can just send for anyone. And lastly, I hope everyone is having a great day/night and a great start to the New Year so far ❤️

Alright now onto where I’ve been… So the days after Christmas and before New Years were a blur for me because I had been sleeping in the house the past few days from it being so cold and now I was suddenly back in my shed but I’d gotten used to being in the house again; anyways; it just took a few days for me to readjust and then by time I did it was NYE which was pretty good for me but I got tired pretty soon because sleeping in the house had changed my schedule. And then I started having weird medical things happening; like my ears have been hurting and other sinus things, and then I’ve been feeling lightheaded and dizzy sometimes and a bunch of other things. Luckily, I had a doctor's appointment on the 3rd and what I found out then was that everything looked good, no Covid, Flu or RSV and nothing in my blood work that was bad (including my A1C which my mom and I both thought was causing the dizziness and whatnot)- the only thing that was bad was my cholesterol levels, both the regular and bad one. So I essentially just have to work on my diet and all that which I’d wanted to do anyway since I noticed I’ve gained weight- Anywayssss- after I got off the phone with the lab the other day I called my Mom to tell her what they’d said, and she decided to just now inform me that heart problems run on my sperm donors' side of the family. And then when I asked her how I was supposed to know that she told me I should’ve stayed in contact with them. And I could go on for hours about why I cut them out of my life but basically it all boils down to one thing; they were nowhere to be found when I lost my Great-Grandma and my Mamaw in 2015 and I lived 20ish minutes from them then and for two years after, and they didn’t bother to check in on me when my Great-Aunt passed in 2017. I still have one my Aunt’s who's like a year older than me and my cousin on some socials but that’s it. So yeah, I’ve just been dealing with all of that and trying to figure out what to do and what I can and can’t eat and all that because knowing I’m apparently at a higher risk for heart problems is scaring me a little bit (plus I’ve been having some issues that I thought were anxiety related but now am second guessing that so I need to bring that up to my doctor) Also, my Mom is getting me a job where she works, she does taxes and is currently running the store where she works, so in the next two weeks or so I will be a bit less active because I’ll be working. Though like I said my Mom will pretty much be my boss so as long as no one is in the store I don’t think she’ll care if I whip my phone or laptop out. I think that’s pretty much all I have to update y’all on, I’m gonna make another OOC post in a bit because I need your guys help on something but for now I think that’s all I’ve got to say. If you read all of this, I really appreciate you and hope you have the best day ever.. And of course as always, have a forehead kiss..

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi. Can't think of trigger warnings, maybe for crappy therapy and a bad therapist and some mentions of physical illness. Looking for advice. Nickname purple

I'm just wondering if you have any advice on how to get over a fear of/reluctance to seek therapy (and to am extent medical care in general). More and more often I'm starting to think I'll never be able to function normally without some help but I'm so scared to get it. In part I think this came from my mom's own mental illness and how whatever pills she took (no idea what they were or even what they were for besides that there were a lot) left her so out of it all the time and sometimes made her destructive on top of neglectful, and from my dad's distrust of the medical system as a whole, to the point of ignoring his doctors after a heart attack, not seeing care for cancer until it had progressed too far too fix, and generally being reluctant to get me any medical care and being mad at my mom if she took me to the doctor for anything, because it was babying me and would make me think it was okay to be weak and I should be stronger and trust God before 'weird medicine'. Between that and most people in my life growing up basically thinking mental Illness isn't real and anyone who claims to have it is faking maliciously or, especially if they claim to have significant past trauma, flat out delusional (and yes, they applied this to me, even when I was actively suicidal or had visible marks from abuse).

I got sent to a therapist when I was twelve, against my will in a whole court ordered thing, and while I don't remember many specifics of the first session I know I was reluctant to talk and he ended up screaming at me until I shut down. The few additional sessions there were went better, though only because I coasted through and just tried to give the most 'normal' responses to anything he said so I'd be allowed out of it all sooner.

Now, well into adulthood, my issues have only gotten worse and worse. It feels my mind is falling apart and I'm so frequently scared, my emotional regulation and memory are practically non-existent. I can't get away from self harm or disordered eating (though I often doubt a therapist would think those things are significant), can barely keep myself from falling back into substances. I can barely get a job or keep it and sometimes the only thing keeping me here is being scared to die though sometimes that doesn't even work (I'm not actively suicidal right now just to clarify). More than ever it feels like I'm barely real or even alive.

But I'm still scared to even try to schedule a therapy or psychiatrist appointment. I'm scared I won't even be able to talk when asked what's wrong since more and more now I've been having verbal shutdowns, especially in frightening enchantments or under the slightest stress, which I respond to worse than ever lately. I've been thinking of writing down a summary of what's going on but I don't know if they'll accept that, if they'll want me to talk normally. I'm scared they'll want me to go into past trauma but I just can't, not to a stranger or sometimes to anyone at all. I'm scared they'll think I'm just making everything up and turn me away. I'm scared they'll think I'm just a whiny child that can't handle normal life, or I'm just looking for some excuse to not participate in society or get drugs or something (funny, since I'm afraid to take meds and I'd probably just refuse if prescribed something controlled). I'm just scared and I know I won't be able to take it if I get even a fraction of the treatment I did at that therapist back then or most other times I've tried to bring up anything wrong with me to people in my life. I just don't know what to do I'm sorry I'm sorry

Hi Purple, I am so sorry for your experiences, and would like to start by validating your mental health struggles, and trauma history, and commend you for the self awareness it takes to want to develop new coping skills for a healthy functioning base line. We all deserve the space and time to explore what that means for us, and I hope you find yours as well. It makes all the sense in the world to me, that with both your background, and experiences, that the thought of seeking out therapy would feel the way it does for you. I deeply empathize with it, and know it is something that unfortunately does happen within the medical community. I had the opportunity to reply to a previous ask about something similar that I'll link here as well, but essentially, I'd like to copy over two core parts of it: This link about red flags in therapists (not to discourage!) but to help validate your experiences and not potentially self-gas light yourself as you navigate new medical professionals along your healing journey.

But also this part:

"Of course it’s very understandable that without feeling safe, the appointment could feel so jarring that even if you meet a kind one, it could be hard to convey what you’re looking for.  

My first advice would be to ask if someone can go with you, someone you feel comfortable with, and who you might even be able to practice a dialogue with beforehand.  

Even if they can, or cannot come, my second piece of advice is to have your questions written down as well.  Worst come to worst, if you feel unable to verbally share your concerns, perhaps you could slide them over so they can reply.  

My third piece of advice is to ask for a print out of the after visit summary, with clear instructions and follow up to what the next steps might be - something you can refer to in the future as well." Regardless of what you choose moving forward, I hope you find someone who helps you feel seen, heard, and encourages you along your healing path.

Mod Kat