#just got out of psych Monday lol

[highnsleepdeprived]

Way too hard getting an iv in and blood work now that I destroyed my only decent vein. Oh well. Thank god for morphine.

[vtforpedro]

life update - long

It took me a hot minute to find the last update. December, I guess? I'm so tired I never stop being tired and time is not real anymore. Anyway. Disability Stuff: I won my case in federal court in February. They said it'd take a year so I was a little hm. Found out the SSA voluntarily asked the judge for the remand because the written decision was indefensible and they were gonna take another look. Pros: Hey, I won! I get a second hearing! Cons: I didn't get a brief written by the federal law firm because there was no time. This is actually a tactic used by the SSA. I have no doubt they're fine tuning another denial. I also have to wait for the lower level court to figure out what was so bad about it (that they'd already ruled was perfect) to give to the judge I will have another hearing with. The same judge. Who said I was a liar multiple times and omitted eight months of medical evidence and said mental health issues are subjective hahaha. I hate this country. Health: Boy howdy it's been better and worse. I had the tilt table test in late December, went... ok enough, but my neuro didn't like how ambiguous the report was and sent me back to them to speak to an autonomic disorder specialist. Scheduled in Jan, just had my appt with her this month lol she is busy. She ordered: genetics test, labs, and skin biopsy. I've done the first two, third is scheduled in July and I'm gonna be a mess because needles u_u Brain stuff is much of the same. Episodic. Manageable times are a godsend, bad times are really bad. My heart started to do some funky ass shit a few months ago. My mom kept writing it off as anxiety no matter how much I explained that it felt like my heart was pounding after exercise. My BP and pulse shot up high for a while and b/c my pulse never came back down and it was interfering with, you know, living, my PCP sent me to cardiology. :') Cause I wanted my heart involved in this mess One 24hr holter monitor, echo, and heart ultrasound later, and I have a new heart condition. He said 'your heart is beating so fast you would normally see it with exercise' bada boom baby and has nothing to do with fucking ANXIETY >:[ I'm on heart medication. 10 meds. I need to start another med for my psych but that's 11 and I'm honestly getting upset because it's so fucking much medication in one day but every single one of them is necessary so what can really I do? Personal: Relationship with my mom is at an all time low. This is extremely unfortunate because a few weeks ago, my mom told me she is basically being 'laid off' (she's not losing her job for a while, just retiring earlier than expected) and I have to leave my home of 10 years by mid-August. Got no sympathy from her about it *finger guns* I've gone through the devastation of that and am kind of just stuck in how is any of that gonna work. My brother and I can't live together, so he's gonna move into a family friend's rental. Except he has no job and hasn't been able to get one in months. He started one on Monday, is gonna leave by Friday because it's horrific ig. Anyway my mom promises he won't be there. We have to move based on my disabilities and my mom's house is gonna have to reflect what we have here. I'll see it when I believe it. I don't trust her anymore. Extra unfortunate that I'm gonna be living 24/7 with my mother who has been an abusive person in my life the past two years. The short break thru the day that my apartment is just mine, quiet and gentle, is gonna be gone. I'll be introducing my solitary 11 year old cat Lilly into a house with 3 other cats. She only knew Isis her entire life. She was just diagnosed with neuro issues this year after going through an MRI. We don't know if she has seizure activity or if it's movement disorder, but the med she's on treats both and she has gotten better. Same process Isis went through. Cannot believe I have two cats with neuro issues and likely the same one. May 18th was one year since Isis passed. Rough, tiring day.

I don't know how it has been that long. Feels like it just happened. I can still see her and feel her through my apartment and losing it in August will probably shatter me most because of losing the last place she existed in. I miss her more than I can say.

She was my little soulmate and her absence is felt in every corner here. Writing/Fandom:

I went through a whole fucking situation over in the Stranger Things fandom that has left me not wanting to post anymore. Idk if neuro shit has destroyed my ability to write but it's humiliating and painful every time I post a fic.

I posted stucky (1 out of 2 fics this year) on my main acct and lost 8 fuckin user subs? Like goddamn. What'd stucky do 😭 anyway it was even more devastating and kinda like 'here's your big ass sign to keep your writing to yourself.'

Between the god awful shit that happened in the ST fandom and my inability to put together even a good one shot, I'm feeling really down about one of two creative things I can do in my life. I used to love sharing my stuff. I want to write and share but it feels like it's harming my MH. I can't draw or paint right now, either. And I can barely move around my apartment without pain. I can't even leave it except for doctor appointments.

Idk. Very walls are closing in type of feeling and I hate it. In short: I'm tired, struggling, and too many things are happening at once. I love you all 😩💜 thank you for your patience and love and kind words. Your support is felt through one update to the next. I hope you're all well and I'm sending all my love and hugs to you.

[onthewaytosomewhere]

WIP Wednesday

Alright so I said Monday @typicalopposite I would turn your belated Sentence Sunday (on Monday) tag into this so here goes! (also I didn't forget - but it may have been a near-thing lol)

I opened a WIP doc on Sunday I think so I could snatch a bookstore name from it, for my collegeAU, as it was my bookshopowner!Henry Hockeyplayer!Alex fic (that may be inspired by one of my fave hallmark movies lol) and well that apparently lead to me fleshing out more deets on the outline and writing like 1500 words now in between other things (i may have been typing in it while waiting on hold yesterday but nobody saw so no one knows lol)

So the blurb ya get is from bookshopowner!Henry Hockeyplayer!Alex fic - yay!

Henry unlocks the doors of the bookshop, just like he does every day, although who knows for how much longer if business doesn’t pick up. His first few years in business here were outstanding, the area thriving and in need of a bookshop. Of course, it wasn’t long before he wasn’t the only bookshop in the area anymore.  The only good thing about the shop being slower is that he has more time to work on his book when he isn’t obsessively straightening or worrying about how to stay in business. He opens the doors, and Bea breezes in and hands him the cup of tea she bought for him. As they walk towards the till, Bea starts what is a common refrain of hers when she is in town, “Hen, you really must get at least some sort of tea and coffee station in here; maybe it would help bring in some more business. Something to distinguish this place from the other shops that opened here.” She and Pez have (drunken on Pez’s part, just big-sisterly annoyingly on Bea’s) brainstorm sessions regularly, and they are continually convinced this is the solution to his problem. Luckily, this time, he doesn’t have to get into the discussion, as the bell over the door signifies a customer entering, and Bea heads into the office. “Hello, welcome to (name of bookshop). Is there anything I can help you find?” Henry looks over to the door and sees the confused look on the handsome gentleman’s face. He walks over to be ready to assist him, and as he approaches, the man looks over, and the grin that forms on his lips nearly makes Henry’s knees weak. “Ya’ll have any books on hockey for young kids? I need a book related to my career for this school event I let my sister wrangle me into.” If the man’s grin makes Henry weak in the knees, his velvety voice is a whole other book, and this one may belong in the pornography section if he stocked one. He imagines the romance section is best for it since he is well on his way to being enamoured and knows absolutely nothing about the man. He needs to thwart this book before it hits the presses.

alrigh so now time to tag all my mutuals that don't appear to have posted anything yet, with no-pressure tags cuz that's how this game is played lol

@priincebutt, @duchessdepolignaca03, @hgejfmw-hgejhsf, & @adreamareads (you had to know that one was coming lol)

oh and @typicalopposite in case ya don't get another tag for today - which seems unlikely - tagging ya back (even if it's for that psych!fic ya got going cuz that may be relevant to my interests as well lol)

[bonesandpoemsandflowers]

Today, for the first time in 5 years, we lost track of the day. The cleaners come every other Monday, to clean the house. This means that every other Sunday, we desperately pre-clean the house. Because we're two adults with ADHD who have somehow made it to the socio-economic tier where it's normal to have scheduled professionals to come clean your house--we live in the suburbs and use the same service as our bougie SES peers--but we're always, like. Never quite sure that it's supposed to be this way so we might as well get our money's worth, pre-clean to make the cleaning deeper, in case this time is the last time.

And this week we just totally fucking forgot, which is fine. Monday morning at noon my beloved stirs out of sleep before I do because he hears noises in the basement. Nudges me awake. Decides it's probably not a break-in because it's Monday, high noon, in the suburbs, as established. Peeks outside, sees no new cars. Still creeps down the stairs with a weapon out, just in case--peeks his head out the door to the second stairs, to the basement, hears a vacuum.

"It's not Monday-Monday, is it?"

And I swear up and down it isn't, while we go upstairs and put away certain things and get our clothes on.

But it is, of course it is. Which is fine. I texted someone local about this and she's like lol HOW? could you forget? it's just every other week!

And I have one of those moments again where I'm like, damn. I don't fucking know you people.

You've never lost time, have you, never had weeks of waking up at 3 PM, not knowing what day of the week it is, let alone which Monday it might be in relation to any other Monday, 3 PM not because either of you works graveyard shift because neither of you, strictly speaking, works in a way that pays taxes at this point in your lives.

Between us--not telling you who exactly claims what--we have involuntary psych holds and jail time and drug dealing experience and MANY rounds of being disowned and disinherited and banned from family dinners. And we have shared experiences, like the time the wife of a guy we didn't even know very well asked us to find him because he'd gone on a bender for the first time in years and we sat in the car for a while after wondering how we're gonna explain that we found him because we got a lead on a likely hotel and I followed the smell of smoked crack to his room. Never in my life have I felt more like a twitchy itchy working dog. It was my job to drive the guy to some NA meetings after. I don't know that it helped. I sat in the back and drank coffee, assigned to babysit this process, like he might bolt if left to his own devices. Maybe he would have, who can say? Maybe he knew he would have, which is why he submitted to the ordeal. We didn't really talk about it. Or anything else, either.

Ambassador's daughter, how do you know what crack smells like? well. you see. I wasn't that until later and also I was a Miami girl. and homeless, for a hot minute. Weren't you infamously straightedge, isn't that a thing you write about all the time? Well, yes, but--

Think about it. A woman who doesn't know us very well, who doesn't even live in the same state, decides that fire finds fire and calls the sketchiest people she knows to solve a problem and it's--you guys! You guys were her FIRST choice! One of you is getting a post grad education at this point and yet. How do these people fucking know?

Sometimes when I get to telling stories--and you think I tell stories on here? you should hear me in person. I get it from my father, man of the people--and hamming it up, in my current life people sometimes ask something like, but how? how did you do all that shit? except they don't end their sentences with "that shit" because they've inhabited this economic their entire lives, without the fall out fall in on again off again that my beloved and I know. He's better at it than I am but the way I code switch gets me all the fucking time.

And the answer is: because for all my teens and most of my 20s, I looked extremely disreputable. Because I was! Because, also, the unmedicated hyperactive subtype ADHD on a petite girl reads to most people as either being real fuckin' high or jonesing. One time a much more famous author than me, former beauty editor that I admire, who is simultaneously more of a sheltered rich girl than me (trust fund) but with better baddie credentials (writes about doing PCP on rooftops at parties)--

One time she's on a sobriety kick and she posts a video with her friend and the comments are brutal. "She's OBVIOUSLY relapsed already. Just look at how twitchy she is, that body language." online hivemind reaches swift consensus. and I had to watch this video like three times, perplexed, because I was just sitting there thinking: she's just moving like me, and I'm--

Same set of psych diagnoses, actually: the ADHD, the anorexia. Different DIY solutions. Same doctor approved RX solutions, actually, eventually. do you guys know about the Adderall shortage, while we're on related subjects?

Point is you gotta pour like three coffees in me first thing in the morning so I can slow down and sound like a person. This makes me a VERY good candidate for selling drugs, if you skip the coffees. People would just literally come up to me all the fucking time and ask. So why not, right? Those undergrad textbooks aren't gonna buy themselves.

And that's fine. Very cool and sexy of me. And you know, I'm generous. I assume everyone I meet is a unique and faceted gem, that anybody could be a survivor, that you don't know what anyone is going through, that being born into one kind of power doesn't automatically protect you from various forms of suffering. That anybody could be like me, like my beloved, that I don't know, that I shouldn't assume.

But again and again it's like it tags me in the face, like I'm bleeding from the lip again. These people you live among here? They are NOT like you! They will never be like you. They cannot imagine being as you are, not that they want to indulge that thought exercise, either. Literally never occurs to them.

It's not imposter syndrome exactly because I think we deserve to be here. Not so deep down I think I probably believe that we deserve it more, though even deeper down the horrible truth I believe is that it's all just fucking luck, it's random, none of us deserves shit and we should be happy when we land somewhere nice, planted there by whatever tornado of circumstance. And I am! I love my nice clean house and my nice clean clothes and being able to sleep until noon on a Monday with a hot guy I really like in my bed! Our bed! We sleep on a king size memory foam mattress, the deep dish kind, that you have to buy special sheets for. And that fucking rules, my dudes!

But the people. The people. The people around us and the people at the professional events we have to go to occasionally. They don't fucking know what it's like.

But a lot of the time they know something is off--

It's not what it looks like, I want to say. I don't say this because I also want to say: and fuck you if it was. The other other other thing I get from my father, who worked anti-Narcotics in the Colombian cartel hey day, which is a whole other world of fucked up his peers today cannot imagine, do not imagine--he can't watch any season of Narcos because he's like "I knew those fucking people--"

The other thing I learned from my father is that you sheath your claws sometimes, you spend all this time and energy getting to a place where you shove your paws into shoes and you smile without showing your teeth and you go to the ball. Unlike my father I had the good sense or good luck to partner up with a fellow beast, so we watch out for each other.

But still, man, still, some fucking days, few and far between, even if it's just the tone I hear via text message I'm like--fucking fuck you people, what do you know?

[fitgothgirl]

It’s my first Monday unemployed so my plan was to start going out to bars to try to talk to managers/owners about if they’re hiring, and naturally I’m going to places I’d prefer to work first. There’s one bar that’s at the top of the list by a good margin bc there aren’t a lot of bars like it in the area - it’s a good dive bar that mainly caters to punks & goths & adjacent, and even though it’s small they often have live music of small/local bands (not even on a stage, they’re just level on the ground at the end of the room lol).

So I just went there and it happened to be the owner at the bar so I got to meet her and she was super cool! And she said that since they’re small they don’t actually have barbacks, just bartenders who do everything, but she actually likes new bartenders bc others come in with bad habits, and she can mold newbies into what she wants lol. So that’s perfect for me! And she liked that I was a barista and that I had a psych minor (good knowledge to have in bartending lmao) and we had a nice chat for a minute. She said it was nice to meet me/have me stop by and she’s gonna call me in a couple days when she has a day off, and it all sounded genuine!

So yeah!! Couldn’t go much better than that!!

But now I’m sitting in my car a little frozen bc I want that job so much that I just want to wait for her call, but I know that’s not the wise way to go about job hunting. But ah;alfjla;ldjxj now I’m all excited in a frazzled way. Like. She wants someone WITHOUT experience?? How was I so lucky with my first stop of the day?? lmao (I know nothings set in stone yet but any means but still).

[khaleesiofalicante]

reread the new chapter (as i often find myself doing) and the present timeline seems pretty self-explanatory so i wanted to dive into the flashback scene.

So we start with max’s psych eval where he’s just constantly thinking about David (and the kids, but really David). He doesn’t even remember exactly what happened but is always trying to keep David safe 🥺

It looks like along with some insanity, max is just dealing with PTSD, particularly shock, about what happened. He keeps spacing out, and stays in a state of disbelief.

And we get more information about the big Mallory accident. Max shooting Mallory again when she said the line about David was very deserved. We keep learning more and more about the truth, but it seems like every new chapter just gives us more questions, I’m excited to see how it turns out :)

Max thinking David will forgive him when he sees that the kids are fine but then him having tears of grief when he sees lance :( Or were those tears of grief more because David can’t look at max anymore🧐

“Max couldn’t blame him. He wished he could hold his husband too” when I tell you my stomach dropped.

And visualizing Max’s depression like a movie was a very effective choice. It makes much more sense to the reader to see why max was so unresponsive to an outsider’s perspective. Max being catatonic basically. I always loved how nuanced your takes on mental health and depression are. Depression can come in many different forms. For max, it seems to be deep disassociation.

I think those are all the coherent thoughts I have on this chapter. Again, I just love how complicated your descriptions of mental health are, and how the vary so much between characters. I really should use this energy to right my upcoming analysis on my English assignment, but my priorities said otherwise. Love you 💛

ps: can we expect another chapter on Monday or Tuesday? Or maybe some time later in the week?

pps: you mentioned that “before Mexico” was gonna have a mavid situationship development and a job development. We DEFINITELY got the situationship development, but is there more to the Mexico thing we haven’t gotten to yet? Please don’t tell me max is gonna get hurt on the job 🙏

thank you 🥺

writing about (and creating awareness about) mental health is so so important to me. i think it's crucial that stories need to portray mental health struggles more (not just in the extreme way but also in terms of everyday struggles - like with rafe in tlnd). it's not always easy to write, but it's good work :)

the decision to use dissociation is max's prevalent symptom is such an easy one. i can't even explain it properly. but when i sat down and thought about how his depression would manifest, the visuals were so intense and easy for me to imagine. I'm glad i was able to do it proper justice.

one of the things i decided while i was writing this story was NOT to write the scene between max and mallory (i.e, how she died and what exactly happened). it was for many reasons including 1) only max knows what exactly happened and his memories of the incident are so fuzzy it won't make sense for me to write an accurate version of it 2) it's one of his darkest memories and something he is not proud of, so i didn't want to go back to it. i preferred to give context and info where and when necessary. it was also symbolize that it was something he had left behind in the past, and something he had healed from and did not want to revisit 3) i did not want the risk of humanizing mallory by writing her death - especially because she dies in his arms (ew). 4) just didn't wanna write it period lol

but we will see what happened with mallory and David. it's an important scene and that's why we learn about it at the very end of the story too. in the real life, people learned about the incident first and it really messed up with their perception of David and made them take sides (mostly david's side). it was very important to me that the incident doesn't change how the readers feel about max or David. in david's show too, you learn about the incident at the very end. it's almost an anecdote, an incident that changed their life, but is not their whole life. what the readers need to remember is all the love they built, not what happened over one weekend. so i hope, at this point in time, when we read what happened to David and lance, it only gives us context. that it doesn't make us hate max or feel pity for david. it only fills the gap we've been carrying around.

ps - we will definitely get a chapter update later this week (perhaps thursday?). i definitely have my energy back to think and write (as you can see ha!)

pps - there is no more to Mexico. it did what it was supposed to do :)

[cicadangel]

9.8.23

Okay to start today I was late to swim practice because I thought it was at 5:30 but it was at 5:00 (twisted and evil) but I got there only like 15 mins late so it was fine! Practice was good today we focused on breast stroke, which is my fav stroke and we did a buncha technique stuff which was nice because it was easy yay.

I got out at 7 and got a ride home from my friend and then I got ready for school and stuff. On Mondays and Wednesdays I take a class at my local college but I didn't have that today so I had my morning off so I got coffee with my friend who also has mornings off :)

So I didn't have to go to school until 9:50, and my first class was AP Calc BC... ewwwwuughhhh... today was only the second day of school so we didn't do anything really hard, we just did some like limit worksheets. The class is super small only like 10 people but that's nice!

After that we had lunch at 11, me and my friends ate at a picnic table on campus. I had leftover burrito and Cheezits and raspberries yum. And then my next class was AP Lang and we had an on demand essay (not graded, just to see how our writing skills are) and the prompt was about something "overrated" and I did like skincare. Which is so true by the way I think I did a pretty good essay.

My last class was AP Psych and today the lesson was on... taking notes. This made me angry and evil because I have my own way of taking notes that I only I understand. But I like my teacher so it was fine I just zoned out and had side conversations.

Then we had like a built in 40 minute study hall, so my friend and I wrote this speech we have to give to the ENTIRE school assembly next week advocating for like diversity or whatever because we're the presidents of Asian Student Union LOL.

After school ended I went and got another coffee with my friend because I was soooooo tired and she paid for me YES! And then I did my homework and started working on posters for Asian Student Union. And that was my day yay! Pretty good I suppose.

[cakesexuality]

AAAAA health update at 11 months Lupron, 4 months add-back

My uterus keeps hurting randomly in the last few days 🙃

But yeah anyway some stuff happened!!!

Went to see a new ophthalmologist bc the old one canceled indefinitely and told me to find a new one

New ophthalmologist didn't find anything but is copying my gynecologist on it

Went to see a new allergist bc the last one was an ASSHOLE

New allergist didn't find anything but at least had more patience than the last one 🙃🙃🙃 and was willing to actually talk to me about stuff

I stopped taking Latuda after those first 4 days and haven't gone back to it since stopping, even though an after-hours doctor at my GP's office encouraged me to continue taking it

I decided to see what would happen if I went to a walk-in clinic about my mental health and?? Got a prescription for Abilify after talking to the guy for like 5 minutes??? I'm just surprised bc my expectation was for him to hear about my symptoms and be like "That sounds like it sucks, talk to your GP or your psych about it" and here he is, giving me the medication I've spent months asking my GP about

I dropped off the prescription at my pharmacy on Friday and they're gonna bring it to me on Monday

Idk how my GP is gonna feel about me getting Abilify from a walk-in but we'll find out how she feels when I see her in a couple weeks

My gynecologist's office called me twice this week, both while I was in appointments lol, offering surgery dates and the 2nd one was one that finally worked for me!! It's a little bit later than I'd hoped, bc I wanted it to still be warm outside so I can just wear a dress when I leave the hospital and not worry about waistbands, since I'm imagining it might feel like when I had whatever that was back in February/March, but it's currently booked for early October, so not too far ahead and I should be back to normal in time for Halloween!! I told them that I'm open to getting it moved to September if they have cancelations, but we're going with this date for now!!

[leclerqued]

Happy Monday!

It is the second week of 2023 and I hope life is treating you kindly! Have you made any resolutions? I would love to hear them!

For me, definitely reading more as well as just experiencing as much as possible. I do quite a lot socially, but I just want to experience it all a bit more and a bit deeper. Also, doing more things out of my comfort zone and keep logging the memories I make.

It wouldn’t be a Monday Motivation without the actual motivational part, so let me quote the bus driver this morning: “Good morning, even to the ones who find it hard to say that it is a good morning. I wish you all a wonderful day at school/work, try your hardest because that is all you can do.” ❤️✨

Hi babe!

Ah it's so good to hear from you. Hope you had the best holidays.

On my part, I've been going through this depressive episode since around September, and I touched the bottom of the barrel around new year's eve, with unfortunately (TW) some unpleasant thoughts abt suicide. They wanted to admit me to the psych ward to keep an eye on me, but since it wasn't actually aimed to cure me, but only observation, I asked to be sent home.

I decided to go back to Turin for a few days even tho I was terrified of traveling (I had lived there for 7 years and moved back in with my parents in September) to stay with a friend of mine, basically nerding, eating sushi and chilling and wow, that helped me so much, along with ppl telling me that I used to be so fierce... and I was like, I'm so TIRED of being like this, I'm tired of speaking with everyone and ending up always blurting about my depression, I'm fed up of being a shell of what I used to be. And I made a resolution for myself: grab every ounce of strength that I have to pick myself up and go back to do the things I used to love, take time to recover and push back the exams until I've built up the motivation for them.

Aaaaaaand I got the flu. lol I was super prepared to kick asses and this mf just sneaked up on me with the worst cough since the 'Rona left my system. It's been a week and I spent my birthday in bed but I'm still up and running (not exactly running since I can't be out of bed much lol) but ye I don't want to feel down even tho I'm feeling like shit atm.

I hope for you to keep up with the things you love and to enjoy the time you have available to rest. Have the best 2023!

[starlight-time-machine]

Week in Review

11/24/2024 – 11/30/2024

Sunday

Week 42 of missing Cipher Academy

Undead Unluck… Good for them!

Monday

Nothing

Tuesday

Read Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo and felt absolutely miserable the entire time. The realistic colloquial voice and stream of consciousness style of writing really immerses you into the main character’s psyche, which is horrifying when you realize that his psyche is all that he has left of himself. I was already anti-war, but reading Joe’s story as an allegory for the youth of the world and how the war machine chews them up and tries to sweep the survivors under the rug is just viscerally upsetting and blood-boiling. And because he’s a symbol, maybe it was obvious that Joe was never going to get even a semblance of a happy ending, but god… I wish I could just take care of him and give him someone to talk to to break up the monotony of his endless darkness and loneliness… I wish I could wheel him out to the gardens from time to time so that he can feel the wind and the sunshine… Despite the absolute enormity of his tragedy, watching him struggle to live and capture time and communicate is both endearing and heart-wrenching, as is reading about his memories of his life before the war, and I’ve come to really like him as a character. And his final monologue and resolution is the perfect rallying cry…it’s just an incredibly evocative and stirring piece of work.

Wednesday

The new Gastronauts episode was pretty fun, though the challenges weren’t as engaging as some of the other ones have been (the hat one made us cringe pretty bad in terms of food safety lol). But god I wanted to eat those devilled eggs.

Ben Schwartz on Make Some Noise! I hope he comes back at least one or two more times, because I really do enjoy his improv comedy. I loved Middleditch and Schwartz back when I first watched it, so this was like even more of that – it seemed like he was having a lot of fun, and the prompts this episode were pretty good too, so it made for a great episode overall. (Except for the autotune minigame. Please don’t bring that back ever again.)

Thursday

Damn

Friday

Man…

Saturday

Somehow I always seem to slack off when the week near its end lol maybe because YouTubers like to post their best stuff on the weekends these days.

[bisluthq]

When you quit drinking, did you replace that with something else? Like for me, I realized on the weekends if I have something planned, even as late as 3-4 PM, I won't drink that day cuz it's like I know later I need to drive to this thing and go interact with people and be normal. But if I don't have any concrete plans, if it's just like "I need to go to the grocery store at some point today, and then clean my bathroom" then I'm like "why shouldn't I have mimosas at 9 AM?" and then I end up getting completely smashed and can't go to the store later and can't effectively do any chores. I realized that about myself so now I schedule things with friends during the weekends, preferably earlier in the day, so then when I get home I'm like "now it's time to meal prep and clean, and maybe I'll have a glass of wine in a few hours with dinner". Idk I've gotten a lot better at cutting down alcohol, but those wide-open days for me just inevitably lead to me drinking early, even if I've said and committed that I don't want to. It's only when other people are involved in the plans ("I have to meet them here at 1" or whatever, vs "I should go to the store at 11") that I can stop myself drinking. So it's annoying, because I KNOW I can, I just don't have the discipline or willpower to do it if I'm not gonna be directly letting someone down. I don't have anywhere to be til 8 PM tonight lol so even though I was like "it'll be a sober Monday! I'm gonna clean my bathroom and declutter my closer" I still ended up drinking 2 beers and a glass of wine while doing that

ok so this was a lot of how my drinking went dude. Your story is FUCK relatable to me. Except for in the pandemic where I literally wasn’t leaving my house for obvious reasons and then my bed for depression reasons that I do think were interrelated to the drinking (although I’ve been feeling very down the last few days but I’m powering through with no alcohol), I was not a daily drinker and I never got drunk like before important activities or things that I was looking forward to (a few times I did get drunk before social things I was dreading but that’s a separate thing). But if I was just chilling at home, either on weekends as you say or late at night, I would often wind up drinking.

I haven’t replaced it with anything like in terms of substances. I do see myself as California sober not sober sober so I’m open to edibles and shrooms but the thing with me is I’ve never been someone who overindulges in that. It’s something I only do like when I’m with friends who are into that or just with my boyfriend and we want a trippy night. I *have* replaced it with actively getting into other hobbies again and I have a habit tracker where I’ve put in all the things I like to do and if I’m bored I go into the app and look at what I could do today. So personally I’ve got running, yoga, gym class, drawing, Duolingo, reading, this blog, journaling, writing fiction, whatever DIY project I’m busy with in terms of my little furniture stuff, meditation, etc and I track how many minutes and hours a day I spend on all that stuff outside of work which I obviously don’t count in my fun little app. I also try call friends or text with friends if I’m feeling bored like that. And then I’ve been making more complicated food instead of just popping shit in the air fryer or ordering takeout. I have a guitar that I haven’t played in like 10 years that I’m considering starting to play again.

But also it’s just a habit right (well obviously not with people who have physical addictions and there you need to be careful how you come off it) so just… break the habit. Again, I found quit lit really helpful and enjoyed the following books a lot: This Naked Mind, Not Drinking Tonight (it’s a bit heavy in psych babble so not for everyone but was really cool for me), Alcohol Lied To Me, Alcohol Explained, Soberful and maybe ESPECIALLY Sober Curious. There are a couple other really great ones but those stuck out to me. Also reading quit lit just helped me a lot because I was just like constantly drumming it into my head that I don’t need to/want to drink and that it’s the stuff that powers fucking rocket engines right like they use ethanol in rocket fuel lmao idk that I want to put that in my body (but I like Sober Curious in that maybe one day I might idk I don’t know that I want to say “I never ever will” or “I’m powerless over alcohol” because I’m def not lol - the problem is me not alcohol and not me in the sense that I’m like “broken” or whatever). So now I quite genuinely - for right now - don’t want to drink. I’m not holding myself back from it, I’m not counting days until I can again, I am not imposing moderation rules for me, I’m not looking for loopholes and I’m not promising lifelong abstinence. But I just don’t want to right now. We aren’t an alcohol free house - we’ve got fucktons of booze around - and my bf is still having his wine with dinner and beer when he does yard work and actually he even had a screwdriver for breakfast after he joined me for a run this past weekend because that’s what he wanted and I made him run pretty far. I’ve got it available. He is very proud of me and supportive of me not drinking but he also won’t like break up with me if I decide to start up again. I just… don’t want to. It’s better for me. I’m happier without… rocket fuel inside my body lmao because I’m a person and not a rocket ykwim?

This was very rambling but this topic makes me like that. My feeling is if you’re thinking about when you can and can’t drink, your relationship with alcohol isn’t healthy. Again to go back to my edibles thing, which I would have again quite easily, I’ve never in my life had more edibles than I intended to (I’ve had a max of two when my goal was to get fuck stoned and that’s what I did) and I also can’t tell you when I last had one or when I next will (I’ve got a bag of them in my desk but it’s sealed and it doesn’t tempt me). With alcohol I absolutely was counting sober days versus drinking days and how many drinks I had on a drinking day and whether or not a few glasses of wine “even counted” yk? And it was occupying a lot of time and space in my head, even when I wasn’t drinking. So that wasn’t like… healthy. Just removing it has given me a lot of energy and genuine desire to do a lot more hobbies that I like to do.

I also find I do a lot more chores lmao like I’ve always done my chores because I’m not a complete cunt but I often procrastinated with them and I get a lot of the regular ones I do done quicker and more frequently (like cleaning the kitchen), I do a lot more annoying ones more regularly (like taking stuff to the dry cleaners’ which I hated to do because I never drunk drove and like having out and about chores meant I can’t drink and if I did drink then I couldn’t take my stuff in lol so also getting my car washed was one of those too and also like washing my couches which I was doing maybe every two to three months but do every month since I quit drinking and that’s not about driving but it’s about not being able to sit on the couch when I undress it to wash it because obviously I sat on the couch drinking lol) and am more proactive with my DIY projects.

and in terms of what I’ve replaced it in terms of drinks, I’ve been making a lot of mixed drinks (so diet tonic, soda water, with a splash of cranberry juice and a splash of lime has been my favorite but I make other ones too), I drink Corona Zeros if we have people round, I’ve been making a lot more tea and coffee, and I’ve been drinking Diet Red Bull if I want “a buzz” lol. Also just sparkling water. And flavored sparkling water. Idk it’s been really easy once I decided on it and it keeps getting easier tbh not harder - like the first weekend I’d quit, we were sitting waiting for a takeaway and they didn’t have any AF beers on the menu and they advertised lassis but were out of them and I just didn’t order anything and felt a bit annoyed with my bf drinking his beer but that hasn’t happened again and idk I’ve been out and about and I’ve entertained at home and like I say it’s not that I don’t have it in the house or that I can’t say “cool look I did it for over 2 months so now I’m done like clearly I can stop whenever I want and now I want to start again” but I really just… don’t want to start again at this point.

Hope this helped a bit and just so you know your “boozestory” (as Ruby Warrington of Sober Curious calls it) is completely normal.

[1d1195]

Sam omg I wish I could give you the biggest hug :( IM so sorry your week has not been good at all. I wish I could take it all away! It's okay to cry like our bodies need to feel that sadness, grief, anger or whatever we need to let out!

Your feelings are never dramatic, it's understandable the exhaustion! like said you really don't have to even pay attention to what I said lol and you do deserve a Sam in your life! AND THEY EXIST I PROMISE! YOU WILL FIND THEM BESTIE!

you don't have to thank me! Seriously chatting with you never feels like a chore! and seeing your posts are always so nice!

Im excited for part 6! but please feel no pressure to post!

my week has been alright! Second round of midterms was this week and i have been such a tired girl lol I almost fell asleep in one of my lectures 😭

YOU ARE SO KIND MY LOVE YOU DESRVE THE WORLD!!!! Thank you for being you! I LOVE YOU!-💜

(p.s. my cute psych TA complimented me for doing well on my midterm and I felt like melting 🤭)

I think sleeping in a lecture is the biggest sign of fatigue. I'm sure you did AMAZING on your finals and your TA complimenting you is for sure a good sign. I love that for you.

Friday was the first day in like two weeks where I didn't feel like jumping out a window 🙃 I am very much a "I need to cry and then I'll deal" and I did. I'm good now...for now. I think there's still some things I'm ignoring, but I can't fix everything all at once. I just need a little bit of time to get my brain in order, ya know and deal with one problem at a time.

I have no plans this weekend except chores and writing so I'm confident part 6 will be posted on Monday (it's actually maybe almost done? It's about 6k words pre-edit and I think that's pretty standard for me.) I actually have part 7 pretty much finished too. (I keep trying to add little bits of smut into part 6 so it's taking me longer hehehe 🤭)

Other than sleeping, I hope you've had a good week and you've got a good weekend planned!

LOVE YOU!

xoxo

[dylawas-reblogs]

So there are a lot of things I like about my job, and there are a lot of things that I don't. Obviously the main thing is it's part time in an outbound call center and I don't have option to go full-time (not that I would anyway, it's a freaking call center and I'm already going insane on just 30 hours), so that's definitely an issue, but on the inverse, requesting time off doesn't have to be 2 weeks in advance-- It only has to be 2 days. So naturally, Monday, I decided I was going to take today, Thursday, off for a mental health break. Request goes through without issue, everything should be fine and dandy until I survived to Thursday right?

And then of course, my internet service decided last second it was going to do all day maintenance, not Thursday, no, because that would be too cosmically convenient. Nope. They decided to do it Wednesday. And I got no notification, because the text that was sent to me Tuesday never came through. And of course, Tuesday night was the night I decided to splurge on myself and get Olive garden and a personal pie, and Wednesday morning I decided to get a coffee, right before my work shift, and right before I came home, clocked in, then watched as my internet subsequently failed immediately as I was logging in.

Did I mention I'm buying new tires? So yeah, it's not minus $700 like I initially planned for (no work Thursday + cost of tires), but minus $850, and an unexcused work absence on top of that.

So yeah. Another example of the universe watching me decide, for once, it's safe to splurge on myself, I've been good, I've been working hard, I've been saving well, and then going, "but what if we immediately incurred an unexpected cost/ income loss on you. Lol." The frequency at which this happens is uncomfortably consistent. I get a raise, I have to start paying a food bill. I buy some figurines for my collection, I dent my bumper and break my tail light. I graduate college debt/ loan free, I have to pay more than half my income in rent, thus subsequently needing to take on more work hours. My sperm donor goes on vacation in a different hemisphere for a week and a half, and before I can even think about taking a mini vacation myself without him breathing down my neck, my older sibling gets covid, thus quarantining me at home as well due to being exposed to him.

At the very least, I can be thankful I didn't buy the tablet I was thinking of buying for on-the-go digital drawing. Then I would have been down over $1,000. All in just one week-- not even that, over 3-ish days.

That being said, I haven't taken time off for myself in God knows how long, and despite the unfortunate nature of having to call out yesterday, thus, putting a mark on my attendance record that I tried to avoid by getting time off approved Thursday anyway, it's sort of been giving me an opportunity to think, when I've been too busy or exhausted to do so recently. The thinking is only just now starting, but I'm starting to for once actually ponder objectively what I'm doing with my time and energy, and where I want my life to go from here.

Do I really need to stay in this job until I find full-time work? Do I not have enough cushion in savings to take a break despite my sperm donor imposing unnecessary rent that's half my monthly income on me (and me wanting to maintain enough savings that I never have to come back here once I do leave)? Is my constant fear of everything going wrong the moment I don't have a job founded? Is karma real? Is it real enough that I'm going to get into a serious accident the day after I turn in my 2 weeks (because with my luck, I genuinely feel like that's what's going to happen)? Will quitting my job really give me the time and space I need to improve my portfolio? Am I psyching myself up over nothing because my hatred of my father outweighs my common and objective sense? Is my father going to increase rent out of spite like I fear if I quit, because he somehow thinks punishing me is going to encourage me to work harder on finding a job as if my current lack of interviews is somehow my fault (never mind the job economy as a whole is garbage at the moment, and my particular industry is notoriously difficult to get into)? Is any potential spite or punishment from him worth it anyway? Am I the only one holding myself back (outside of financial issues, which generally is 100% traceable back to my father)? Do I keep the job even though it's only 30 hours a week, $15 an hour, and try to move out anyway?

Realistically, because I live in America, none of those above things can really happen before I gain full ownership of my car from him anyway, but with the new tires being put on as we speak, I'm going to be able to have that conversation soon. He's that kind of abuser where timing is everything in conversations. And once that car is officially in my name and not his, maybe everything else will fall into place. I just have to hope he's not going to be weird about it, but of course I know he will be, regardless of how carefully I plan on my wording and timing in approaching him, never mind the fact that I'm paying for everything on it now anyway.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post. Sort of just following my train of thought on whatever track it goes, probably on account of the coffee. But I definitely need to take some time to just sit around and seriously think about my next steps, because I've just had my wheels spinning in mud for the past 6 months and my damn engine's about to combust. What do I need to do to make my life easier and restore some of my sanity, without putting my safety and future in jeopardy? What steps do I need to take that I haven't thought of in order to completely and safely separate from my father so I can move out without letting him know where I live or who I'm living with? How do I accomplish that without putting my younger sibling at risk since we're so close, and my dad will know that he undoubtedly knows something about my sudden disappearance?

Nothing can ever just be easy, can it? I know others have left undesirable home situations living on less or nothing, but I can't imagine leaving this place without at the very least full time work that offers health insurance. Maybe my standards are too high for myself, maybe I just have some kind of anxiety brain rot that keeps finding excuses for me to not go anywhere or do anything. I want so badly to be rid of him, It's not some brand of familial Stockholm syndrome. It's more along the lines of "if everything isn't perfect in my departure, then it will all go wrong and I'll end up back here anyway, and things will be worse."

Whatever the answer is to anything I've pondered about in this post, I think It's safe to say the current circumstances are killing me, If not physically, then definitely mentally, and emotionally I'm bleeding out.

[minkkumaz]

omi omg i havw sm to tell you

okay so yesterday i found out i had an ap psych exam AND my ap chem exam on the same day. LIKE WTF! 😞💔💔 BUT BESIDES RHAT, ive never procrastinated so hard,, like the exam is on wednesday and on monday night-early tues morning i just stayed up playing games and i did ATTEMPT to study but it didnt go well!!

I went to bed around 2? and i woke up at 4am to vote for bonedo on THE SHOW,, AND THEY WON! I GOT SO EMOTIONAL IM SO HAPPY FOR THEM KXNDJDJ

but i had like the most insane dreams of my life. first it was like being in a car ride w bonedo, and i was sitting by the window, and like i was crammed with taesan,leehan and woonhak in the back. and riwoo and jaehyun were around the front of the car. and we ended up swerving really hard on a curve, so naturally we all got pressed together.

AND THEN LIKE WOONHAK LIKE HE LTIKE- INSTEAD OF LIKE ACCIDENTALLY HITTING ME, HE MADE SURE TO LIKE PRESS HIS PALMS AGAINST THE DOOR SO I WOULDNT GET HURT (💔💔💔💔💔) and he gave me a lil cheek kiss cause he was super close to my face.

I WENT ISNANE BRO I WOKE UP HALFWAY AND I WAS LITERALLY ABT TO MESSAGE U ASAP ABT IT JUSG INCASE I FORGOT BUT I FELT TOO SLEEPY.

AND THE. AND THEN my second dream was like,, it was just so sweet i sobbed. i was with taesan and we were just lounging around in bed,, and he was just so sweet the entire time, he was holding my hand and everythigne ☹️💔

taesan was just peppering kisses everywhere, like on the hand trailing up to the lips it was so sweet i sobbed

CANON TAESAN BF

-🍉

attempting to study but it failing is like the worst ever ugghh IM SORRY U HAVE SO MANY TESTS 💔 best friends to lovers woonhak is there to comfort you through your struggles

I'M SO HAPPY THEY WON TOO THEY DEFINITELY DESERVE IT AGHH the dedication of waking up LOL

and your dreams omg they sound heavenly, i haven't had a kpop dream in awhile. last time it was yungyu related but its really confusing to explain ><

CAR RIDES WITH BONEDO ARE PROBABLY SO MUCH FUN HH and woonhak kissing your cheek actually sounds heavenly?!? like thats so sweet wtf. i can imagine taesan on aux, maybe jae fighting him to have a turn?

soft moments with taesan :(( you're so lucky i wouldve never wanted to wake up LOLL i just imagine him caressing your face with sm love and calling you the prettiest girl to ever exist.

GIMME YOUR DREAMS!

[bpdamn]

so, severe back pain teamed up with my mental illness bullshit to ruin me completely <3

[vtforpedro]

health update TW in tags

I had to find my last update to see where I left off. Oofta. Things have progressed in both a good and bad way! I’d love to say only good lol dear god I wish I could say everything is just g o o d for once. I’m currently going through an emotional upheaval because of how badly my home life is and coming to realize I’m in an abusive situation with the last person on earth I thought that could happen. I’ve lost the last safe person ‘in real life’ that I have because of this. My mom. She is my solid rock and 100% full time supporter and this situation of becoming my nearly full time caregiver and the stresses it has put on her (let alone me) have, uh. Well, brought out the worst. It’s devastating honestly. My therapist has been a little too pushy for my liking trying to get me to hire home health help but 1. money 2. insurance would need a diagnosis if we went through them and idk if ‘hey we sliced up her nerves in her back during an LP and didn’t find out until five months in’ would cut it 3. I don’t really need it anymore. But yeah emotionally I am wrecked. My mom refuses therapy or family therapy so I have to keep surviving this kind of horrific situation I’m in lol it’s been bad the entire time but I finally snapped months into it and started laying down hard boundaries and for those of you familiar with abusers, you’ve probably experienced the joy of their reactions to boundaries. :) It’s situational because my mom has never been this way with me in my life but I feel like 31 years went down the drain in *months* and the things she’s said and done can’t be completely recovered from. I don’t know what to do. Once I’m out of this situation I can tell her that the only way I will ever feel comfortable being open with her again is to do family therapy but 🤷‍♀️ can’t make her do anything, so we’ll see. Physical health wise re: the LP horror show? BETTER! I’m getting better. I started physical therapy a month ago and I think I’ve had 6 sessions? Maybe 7? Idk. Leaps and bounds. I can sit on a toilet by myself. I can sit and stand everywhere but one place by myself and it’s only because my couch is wasted lmao and I need help up for the same reason. Otherwise? All me. We’re practicing getting up by myself from my recliner (can do just fine) and getting down and comfortable with everything I need (still a work in progress) so my mom can go to her home more and work more and we both get independence!!!!! I am going to sit at my computer chair and see how long I last before it hurts but I need my body to get used to sitting up again. Otherwise, the two guys I work with (one, mostly, as the other is v quiet) is THRILLED with how well I’m doing and that even if I’m tired/in pain I get through PT every time. I’m super psyched actually. Legit PUMPED every time I step into this place. It feels fantastic. I can’t wait to see where I am in another month. Maybe out of this recliner except when I willingly want to be in it 😂 but still gonna pace myself and listen to my body. I saw my pain specialist yesterday (who ordered the PT) and I told her and she said she had literal goosebumps and she was so happy for me. It felt really good to hear ;3; Unfortunately, head pressure is getting bad but hey at least I got the LP done 🙄 need to lose weight and adjust meds and hopefully get the rest of my normal life back someday. Gonna needs lots of trauma therapy to get there too. So that’s far off. I’ve not been feeling too well lately generally tho and I’m nervous b/c I have labs for my hematologist on Monday and she wants to check for ‘other leukemias and lymphomas’ so hhhhhh. I’ll see her a couple weeks after that and I’m afraid she’s gonna order the bone marrow biopsy but u_u what can I do Anyway. Hope you’re all doing okay. Love you all and thanks for always listening and supporting me. It means the world. 💜