#just for them to be like ‘it’s negative. here’s some pills. bye’

[rosicheeks]

Sending all the best wishes to you and your family hun <3 I'm sure that everything will be ok. All the hugs for you

[fakeloveaskblog]

Janus! Janus! Janus! Janus! Have you tried. dressing up in goth style!? Please do!!! I want to know your friend's reactions! How 'bout this? You wear a goth outfit (with accessories and make up [maybe put makeup on like snake scales??]of course~) for a whole day, preferably the day you're going to "couple's therapy" and see everyone's reactions!

(Words: 1447)

Janus was rotting away in his bed, buried under 3 blankets and with his snake plush tightly gripped in his arms.

"....Oh right couple's therapy....had forgotten....Sorry I totally haven't been distracted and crying a lot since the fiasco with Logan....I can try....Hopefully it'll cheer me up"

He rolled out of bed and fell ungraciously down on the floor. Sadly he didn't own any make up but he did have a lot of dark clothes. After a lot of worrying about how gross he looked he decided on a long sleeved black shirt with a dark red button up over it. He put a black corset over them to give them that poofy look he'd seen online. He added a few dark rings and necklaces he'd found over the years.

Lastly he unsurely put on a long loose black skirt that reached his ankles. He'd never worn it in public before. It'd just laid hidden in his closet for yeards, sometimes before he moved out he'd put it on when he had been home alone.

"You sure this looks good?" He asked you. You of course didn't answer. He imagine you giving him a thumbs up.

When janus got to the place the therapy was held he was over 10 minutes early like usual. He got anxious otherwise. Remy sat on the parking bench outside smoking. They’d just gotten done with their therapy.

When they saw him they took off their sunglasses to look at him better. They put out their cigarette before taking their cane and hurrying up to him. 

“Look at you Janny boy! JanJan! Janiga! Janice! You’re looking tots super good girl! Why the change? You killed your ex husband didn’t you? Took his money?”

“Yes. I put poison in his drink and let the maiden he had been cheating with find the body” Janus replied “A.....friend told me to”

“Classy”

Janus couldn’t help but blush. He hadn’t thought someone as beautiful as Remy would ever think of him as anything but gross “It totally wasn’t meant to be goth but well I have no makeup so I am more like a pretentious emo”

“Oh I know loads of those!” 

They took his hand. HOLY SHIT THEY TOOK HIS HAND. And quickly led him over to the bench. They sat him down and started looking around in their bag. He could see several bottles of pills in it, a knife and also all kinds of makeup.

“don’t worry girl! I always got some makeup with me for emergencies! Y’know I don’t wanna wear it unless my boyf is in a good mood but you never know. Alright you want like a trad goth or more like casual?”

“Never tried makeup before. Anything works!”

“Aight girl. Gotya!”

They cupped his cheek to bring his head closer. Janus could feel their cold breathe against his skin as they leaned in and instructed him to close one of his eyes. The brush strokes were so so light against his skin, it almost tickled.

Remy looked so focused it made Janus’ blushing even worse. All he could think about was how easy it would be to lean in and kiss them. Instead they took out an eyeliner pencil and carefully drew dark wings that covered his entire eyelid.

“Sawry but I don’t have any black lipstick. Is red fine? Is red the viiibbee?” 

“R-red’s fine! It’s my favorite color!” (it wasn’t) “Same color as my murdered husband’s blood!” Janus babbled out.

“That’s the spirit girl!!”

They brushed their thumb over his bottom lip before putting the lipstick on. They took out another brush and grabbed onto the hair at the back of his head.

“Can you lean your head back a little? I just wanna make sure your cheeks stand out since they already look like a dream” He of course did as told “Good boy”

Janus choked on air. He coughed pretending like it was because of the smoke still surronding Remy. They looked at him with a smile. It didn’t quite look like they were smiling at him but not completely like they were smiling along with him either.

“Alright. All done!”

They held up their phone on mirror mode so he could look at himself.....oh goD HE WAS HOT!!! For once he couldn’t only see imperfections. He just looked...good. Chill, laidback, good.

“Thanks” Janus said, a bit breathlessly.

Remy leaned their chin on his shoulder “I tried to give you a gothic Jessica Rabbit kinda eye! She’s my fav character like ever! She made me start trying feminine things”

“Oh no you totally failed. It looks horrible!” He said sarcastically.

“So true girl! It’s pretty stupid but I kinda like relate to her a lot. Like the whole I’m not bad I’m just drawn that way thing. I mean you of course know this with how you are but people will just assume things when they’re attracted to you”

Janus’ eyes widened “You- You think I would be able to relate to that??” 

They twirled his hair between their fingers. They had a soft smile on their face “’course girl!....I kinda like thinking of myself as Jessica and my boyf as Roger” They forced a fake chuckle “Y’know so many people have assumed I’m cheating on him”

“I can’t assume! I have a medical disease that makes it so I’m unable to assume!” Janus lied in a nervous flurry. He wanted to facepalm immediately afterwards. He was an idiot.

Remy laughed. A soft laugh. They closed their eyes and leaned their head back. Janus’ heart fluttered just hearing it.

They stretched their fingers one by one while their laughter died down “My fingers are sore just from doing the makeup. That’s pretty pathetic huh”

Janus gently took their hands and cupped them between his own “Not at all. You’re able to come all the way here every week and everything which certainly isn’t pathetic. Being in pain is never pathetic” He gently blew onto their hands to try and warm them them thinking maybe that would help.

They froze up as if they weren’t used to anyone not agreeing with their negative talk “Girl I’m always drunk when I come here anyway! This coffee is like 2 thirds vodka! Can never do therapy sober. Pretty stupid”

He continued to gently massage their fingers “Of course not. I don’t know why you go or why you need the cane but it’s obviously not stupid”

“fibromyalgia” They replied “I mean that’s why I use the cane. It’s a chronic pain thing. The cane helps with some of the pain. I uh also have hypersomnia but that’s a whole different thing”

Janus sent them a warm smile “That sounds tough”

“Yeah” Their voice broke slightly “Yeah it is” 

They shook their head and moved their hands away. They forced a smile 

“Cute, funny And kind huh? No wonder you have a ‘boyfriend’. Speaking off him” Remy pointed over to Remus coming down the sidewalk.

Janus went into defense at the way they had said boyfriend, almost on instinct “He sure fucking is my boyfriend! Even if he doesn’t fully look like it in some people’s eyes he’s more of a man than I’ll ever be!”

Remy held their hands up to look innocent “Girl I’m literally trans, calm your snitties. I meant that I know you two ain’t actually going to couple’s therapy. I mean it’s like obvious, Just as obvious as Certain other things about you! You’re not a subtle person! What you actually doing?”

He wanted to facepalm even harder “We- uh-”

“Picani is secreltly a succubus and he helps us summon demons to have orgies with every week” Remus filled in.

“Aww babe no inviting meee?” Remy pouted “You don’t deserve me anyway” They got up. Janus handed them their cane “Well I best be going before my bae gets anxious about my bus chrashing. See you in your wet dreams!”

“Bye Rem” Remus waved.

“Bye Rem” Remy waved back. They put their hand on his shoulder and leaned in “He’s good. Real good. You should keep him” They whispered before continuing to walk.

As soon as they had rounded the corner Remus sighed and collapsed onto the bench “They’re so pretty. I would sacrifice a goat for them”

Janus nodded along “Same”

Remus turned to him and whistled before punching his shoulder “And look at you looking like a nightmare! Which is a good thing!”

“Thanks”

“You better give me a goth makeover some time! If I already look good as a darkly clad horror I would kill, literally, as gothic”

Janus smiled “It’s a promise!”

“Great! Alright ready to fuck up Picani’s day?”

“Always”

[openheart12]

Safe and Sound

Summary: Michelle does make it to NHS and Tony meets her there.

Word Count: 2,058

When Sonny Macer handed her the envelope with her test results, she froze, expecting the worse. She took a deep breath, trying to get the courage to open it.

It was just a plain white envelope with the words “test results” written across it with the number 101 in the corner.

She wished Tony was here with her right now, but she had to be strong and with that, she tore open the envelope and read the results. The first time she read them didn’t feel real so she reread them a second, third, fourth, and fifth time. She double checked that these were actual results and saw that her name was printed at the top.

“Michelle Dessler Almeida. Results: Negative for Cordilla Virus Type B.”

The tension and uncertainty left her body and she relaxed for the first time in hours. She picked up her phone to call him, not knowing what to say but that didn’t matter. It was him, it was Tony.

“Almeida,” he answered.

“Hey, it’s me.”

“What’s going on?” he asked, his stomach churning at the thought of her test results.

She knew that he knew she would have her results by now and was anxiously waiting for them and all she could say was, “I’m okay, I’m not infected.” she said softly.

“Are you sure?” he asked in disbelief, the mortality rate was so high and he wasn’t ready to get his hopes up unless they were absolutely sure.

“Yeah, they did a swab and a blood test and I’m gonna be fine,” she let out a shaky sigh, repeating the words again, “I’m gonna be fine.” It was surreal.

Relief flooded through his body, he felt like he could breathe again. “Oh, sweetheart, that’s fantastic! Look, I want you to get out of there right now and get away from anyone who’s infected-”

Her heart swelled at how protective he was. “Oh, no, no sweetheart, they said that those of us who didn’t come down with the infection that we have an immunity to the virus.” she explained.

“Well, where are they taking you?” he just wanted to be wherever she was, they had been apart for long enough already.

“Downtown,” he heard her sniff before continuing, “to NHS, they want to keep us under watch for eighteen hours… but it’s just a formality.” she said before he could worry.

“Okay, I’ll get there as soon as I can.”

“No, no, uh, stay where you are. They need you at CTU. I can work from downtown.” she would do anything to see him but they still had to find the remaining virals of the virus.

“Honey, you don’t have to work,” he said softly. “We can handle it from here.”

“I wanna help, Tony,” she answered and he could tell from her voice that she needed a distraction until they could be together.

“Okay,” he relented. His emotions started to consume him, after realizing just how close he was to losing her. “Michelle?” he said, he wasn’t ready to hang up yet.

“Yeah?” she answered softly.

“I can’t believe I almost lost you,” he whispered, his voice breaking.

“I almost lost you too, but we’re still here.”

“Yeah.”

“I have to go,” she told him after seeing people from NHS coming down the hall. “I’ll call you from NHS.”

“Hey, I love you,” he told her.

“I love you so much.” She stayed on the call for a few more seconds until hanging up. She was one of the lucky ones, she got to go home after this awful day and she was reminded how unlucky others were when the agent in the room with her had undoubtedly gotten positive test results and her heart broke for him.

Just like her heart had broken for the rest of the people in the hotel: the innocent guests and her colleagues, Gael.

She just wanted to go home and be with her husband. ‘Eighteen hours,’ she thought with a small smile.

Less than an hour later, she and two others were being loaded up into a van that would be taking them downtown. As the van started leaving, she glanced back up the hotel where hundreds were dead or dying. Being there and witnessing it firsthand, it was traumatic and now she regretted telling Tony to stay at work because she wasn’t sure how much longer she could hold herself together.

After arriving at NHS, she had to undress and put a gown on. Her and the other two survivors were being isolated completely alone. Survivor. That’s what she was now. Both her and Tony were survivors today. She thought about how scared and helpless she felt when she found out he had been shot and could only imagine how he felt after finding out she was inside the hotel when the virus was released.

She pulled out a laptop Sonny had gotten for her and got straight to work, welcoming the distraction it brought. Nine hours later and the virus had been contained, all eleven virals were secured and the day had finally come to an end.

She picked up her ringing phone and put it to her ear, “Dessler.”

“Hey, it’s me,” she heard his voice answer. “I’m gonna be here probably another two hours and after that, I’ll go home and get you some clothes and meet you downtown.”

“You don’t have to do that, sweetheart,” she said, knowing that the day had taken a toll on him too and she was still worried about his neck.

“I want… I need to see you, Michelle.” he said, his voice heavy with emotion.

“Okay, okay.” she wasn’t going to argue about it because she was the same way when he got shot. She had to see him for herself to believe that he was okay and safe.

He saw Hammond walking up the stairs to his office and rolled his eyes. He just wanted more than a minute to talk to his wife. “I gotta go, baby, Hammond’s here.”

“Have fun with that,” she said, smiling.

“See you soon,” he promised before adding, “I love you.”

“I love you,” she said before hanging up.

She looked up at the clock and there was only nine hours to go. She closed her eyes for a few minutes to try to get some sleep.

About two and a half hours later, Tony pulled into the parking lot of the NHS. The reality that he was going to see his wife, alive and well, was setting in. He grabbed the bag he packed for her from their house and headed inside where he was greeted by Sonny with a wide grin.

“Hey, Tony. It’s so good to see you.”

“You too,” he smiled, giving her a quick hug. Sonny had become a close friend of theirs since she started to work for the NHS. “How is she?”

“She’s good, really good. She fell asleep after you guys hung up, I think the exhaustion finally caught up to her.”

“And there’s no chance that the results could be wrong?”

“No, she’s 100% healthy.”

“Can I see her?” he asked.

“Of course,” she smiled. “Follow me.” She led him down a series of hallways and they passed the two other people who were up and pacing around their rooms. Sonny stopped in front of a door and put in a code. “You can go in, this is the most private room we had and I figured you guys would like it.”

“Thank you, Sonny.”

“No problem… I’m really glad she’s okay,” she added softly.

“Me too.” he smiled and she left it at that. He turned his attention to the figure in the room, curled up on the bed and his heart swelled with overwhelming joy. She was beautiful, breath-taking, alive. He watched as her chest rose and fell rhythmically, peacefully. It was enough for tears to well up in his eyes. This was the first time he’d seen her in hours and she never looked more beautiful than she did right now.

The memories of the day came flooding back from when he got shot, to their arguing when he got back from the hospital, when she found out he lied to her for a month, when she went inside the hotel and the mere thought of losing her was too much, to now.

He watched her sleep for a couple more hours until she began to stir. He looked at the clock and only five hours remained. He got it and went to the glass that was separating them, placing his hand against it.

When she opened her eyes, the first thing she saw was him. “Hey,” she smiled, getting up and padding over to the glass.

“Hey, sweetheart. How ya doing?”

“Good, I can’t wait to get out of here.” she replied.

“Me neither, I miss you.”

“I’m right here,” she said, placing her hand over his on the glass. “By the way, what did Hammond want?”

He rolled his eyes at the thought of him and a laugh escaped past her lips. “Nothing, he just wanted to congratulate CTU on their work today, especially you, and told me we could have a couple weeks off after you debrief but I told him that could wait for a few days.”

“Thanks,” she gave him a half smile and he knew something was bothering her.

“What is it?”

“It’s just… I didn’t really do anything today except watching people die in agony. And I like the time off, but I like the distraction work brings. I’ve been replaying everything that happened in the hotel since I left it. I see the children who died and their parents had to watch, I see the elderly couple who were the first to take the suicide pills, I see Gael on that stretcher, I see the husbands and wives who died alone and then I think why me? Why am I immune and they’re not?”

“You helped every single one of those people today, Michelle. You gave them an option to end their pain and suffering which wasn’t an easy decision to make.”

“I shot a man, Tony. I killed him. I have a duty to protect the citizens of this country and I killed him.”

“You did what you had to do to protect other lives. You can’t blame yourself for this, Michelle. It’s not going to bring him back… or anyone else.”

“I know. It’s just… it’s just not fair. They couldn’t even say bye to their families and yet, I talked to you the entire time. Sometimes I called just to hear your voice and these people died all alone, surrounded by complete strangers.”

“Sweetheart, you can’t do this to yourself. You can’t question all the decisions you made or wonder what you could’ve done to prevent this. It was out of your hands and you did your job and I am so, so proud of you.”

“I just wanna go home, Tony. I’m so tired.” she said and he knew she didn’t just mean physically tired.

“Four hours,” he said softly. Only four hours to go until he could have her in his arms. “Why don’t you try to get some more rest?”

“You’re staying, right?” She didn’t want to be alone anymore.

“Of course, I’m not going anywhere,” he promised. He wasn’t leaving her again.

“Okay, love you,” she said, getting back into the bed and closing her eyes.

“I love you,” he whispered back.

He spent the next four hours just watching her, waiting for the time to pass until finally Sonny walked in with a huge grin.

“You ready?” She asked and he eagerly said yes.

She opened the door and let him pass through. He walked straight over to her and pushed a strand of hair out of her face. “Sweetheart, wake up,” he said gently.

“Tony?” She asked sleepily.

“The eighteen hours is over with.” At this she perked up.

Once she realized that he was right in front of her, nothing separating them anymore, she threw her arms around him. The force made him almost lose his balance.

“God, I love you.”

“I love you so much,” he said, tears in his eyes. “Let’s go home.”

“Let’s go home,” she repeated, her smile lighting up her face.

[magicalmarauder]

Panic

A/N: This is my first Shawn imagine, hope everyone enjoys it! :) 

Pairing: Shawn Mendes x Reader

Warnings: None

Word Count: 4k+

Summary: Y/N is dating Shawn Mendes and is home alone in their shared apartment while he is on tour and her appendix bursts. Angst and fluff ensues!

You groaned in frustration, burying your head into the pillow as you curled further into a tight ball on yours and Shawns bed, trying your best to ignore the pain that was slowly gripping you. Today had been your second day with this nasty stomach virus that had been so fiercely plaguing you. It seemed as if the constant nausea, vomiting, chills, and stomach pain would not leave and all you wanted was your boyfriend with you to help take care of you. But instead, he was on the other side of the globe being the huge rockstar that he was. Not to get you wrong, you were incredibly proud of your amazing boyfriend, but it was times like these where you really wished that he had a career that didn’t take him so far away from you and so often. It seemed like every time you turned around, he was jetting off somewhere new.

Currently, he was in London preparing to play Wembley Stadium, which was a huge accomplishment and you were so, so proud of him, but again, you couldn’t help but wish that he was here with you to make you some soup and cuddle with you until you started feeling better.

But alas, wishing it to be so wouldn’t do anything. This was your reality and you had to face it.

Before you could continue down that rabbit hole of self-despair any further, your phone began vibrating and you groaned, blindly reaching over to the bedside table and pressing accept without even looking to see who was on the other end.

“Hello?” You moaned pathetically, voice hoarse.

“Hey, gorgeous,” Shawn’s sweet voice greeted you from the other end of the line. “Still not feeling well?”

You grunted in response, the pain feeling more unbearable than it had the last day or so. Maybe you should go to the doctor? This couldn’t be normal, could it? You should be getting better not worse, right?

“Are you taking anything for the pain?” Shawn questioned in concern, the background noise fading slightly as Shawn presumably moved to a less crowded area in order to hear you more clearly.

“Yeah, I took some pain medicine about an hour or two ago,” you explained pathetically, “but it hasn’t helped at all. I’m still nauseous and throwing up and my stomach still hurts too much for me to get comfortable or really get any sleep. I tried taking a sleeping pill last night, but it didn’t really help any.” Thinking back to the past two nights made your head pound in pain and frustration. You didn’t think you had gotten more than forty-five minutes of sleep at a time and even that had been fitful.

Tears slipped down your face as all the pain and frustration finally wore you down to the point of tears. “I wish you were here with me,” you whispered softly, knowing it was a fruitless thought, but needing to get it out in the air anyway. Although you knew Shawn was needed in London right now, you also couldn’t help how you felt. And if that made you selfish, you just couldn’t find the energy to care at the moment. You were sick and miserable and all you wanted was your cuddly boyfriend.

Shawn sighed, sounding slightly irritated. “You know I can’t be there right now, Y/N. I have to work.”

From just the tone of his voice at the moment, you could clearly picture him running his hand through his hair in frustration, the circumstances of the situation affecting him more than he would like to admit. Despite the fact that Shawn was incredibly hard-working and would do anything for his fans, in his heart even he couldn’t deny that at times it was too much and wish that he could be a normal boyfriend there for his girlfriend when she needed him.

“I know, Shawn. There’s just sometimes that I wish it could be different.”

Despite the fact that Shawn had literally just been thinking the exact same thing, he found himself becoming angry with his girlfriend. “I’m sorry, baby, but this is how it is,” he stated briskly. “We both knew what we were getting into when we started dating. This shouldn’t be a surprise.”

You recoiled, surprised to hear your boyfriend using such a harsh tone with you. If you were thinking rationally, you would probably have more patience in this moment, understanding that he was just as frustrated as you were with the fact that he couldn’t be there for you at the moment. However, you were sleep-deprived, sick, and annoyed with how he had just spoken to you. So, instead of responding in patience and understanding as you should have done, you allowed all of those negative emotions to flow over you.

“Well,” you started tiredly. “Considering that I’m exhausted and feel like death, I’m going to go now. You obviously don’t even care enough. So, I’ll just talk to you later. Goodby-.”

“Wait, wait, wait!” Shawn interrupted immediately, trying to catch you before you hung up the phone on him. “I’m sorry, baby. I know I shouldn’t have said that, I just wish that I could be there with you. It’s hard being so far away from you normally, but especially when you’re not feeling good and you need me there to take care of you. I just feel like the world’s worst boyfriend.” He sighed out, hoping that his honesty would earn him some points back into your good graces.

“I know, Shawn,” you sighed. “I’m sorry too. I’m just frustrated and wish you were here with me, but I understand that you’re needed there now. I think I am going to go though, I really do want to try and get some more rest.”

“Okay, sleep well, Y/N,” Shawn murmured, still not feeling right about the bizarre little argument that the two of you had somehow found yourselves in. “I hope you start feeling better soon. Please call me if anything happens.”

“I will,” you promised softly, your head still throbbing from the conversation. “Have a good show tonight.”

“Thanks, gorgeous. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Okay, bye.”

You placed the phone back onto the bedside table, snuggling further under the covers and hoping that sleep would claim you quickly in order to offer a bit of a reprieve from the constant pain you had been in for the past few days.

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You were awakened by a sharp, stabbing pain in your right side that instantly had you gasping and clutching your abdomen. Okay, you thought to yourself, this is definitely not normal. Tears slipped down your face as you wondered what you should do. You were all alone at the apartment. Your parents lived over an hour away, too far for them to come pick you up and drive you to the hospital in time. You didn’t understand what was going on with you, but you knew it was something serious that needed to be dealt with as quickly as possible.

As you pondered what to do, you remembered a conversation that you had had with Shawn’s mom not too long ago when you were discussing her son and his insane traveling schedule. If you ever need anything while Shawn’s away, don’t hesitate to give me a call, okay sweetie?

At the time, you hadn’t planned on calling with anything. You were a big girl and you could take care of yourself after all. However, this was a situation that was definitely out of your hands. Therefore, as quickly as you could you grabbed your phone, searching for the name, and dialing.

“Hello?” A voice answered on the other end of the line and you almost sobbed in relief.

“Karen?” You questioned, tears falling down your face in pain and fear. “Can I ask for a favor?”

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Shawn walked off stage after his big show with a large grin plastered across his face and sweat dripping from his brow. Wow, he thought to himself. I cannot believe I just did that! Selling out and playing Wembley Stadium had always been a dream of his, one that he could not believe had actually come true. The only thing that would make this better would be if his girlfriend could be here to share this moment with him.

He sighed, thoughts wandering to the conversation he had had with her before the show had started. He hadn’t meant to lose his temper and snap at her like he did, but he had just been so frustrated and by so many things. Yes, he loved his job and he relished these opportunities to travel and share his music with his fans, but it was so hard sometimes. And then he felt guilty for feeling that way. Like he was ungrateful or something. His fans were the reason he was able to live out his dream, travel the world, write music, meet so many other incredible artists, and so on and so on. If being away from loved ones was his price to pay, it wasn’t that immense in the grand scheme of everything. However, there were times, times like today, where that was hard to believe and if he was being truly honest with himself, where he would trade anything in the world in order to be by your side, including sacrificing his music career.

He walked further backstage, already feeling that post-show adrenaline high beginning to fade. Performing in front of thousands of people was truly a feeling like no other, one that he couldn’t even begin to put into words, even years later and well into his music career.

Walking into his dressing room, he grabbed his phone that he had left sitting haphazardly on the couch and opened it up, noticing he had three missed calls from his mom. He furrowed his brows in confusion. That was odd, he thought to himself.  His mom knew that he had a performance tonight. What if something’s wrong?His mind immediately going into a panicked state, worrying that something was wrong with his dad or with Aaliyah.

Before he could click on her contact name in order to call her back and figure out what on earth was going on, Andrew came speeding into his dressing room, a frantic expression glued to his face as his eyes landed on Shawn sitting there, confused and worried.

“Andrew?” He questioned, further descending into a state of panic, already figuring that whatever had Andrew on edge was the same thing that had caused his mom to call him multiple times despite the fact that she knew he was in the middle of a show. “What happened?” He asked, already fearing the answer.

“It’s Y/N,” Andrew choked out, eyes wide and fearful, dreading the task of delivering this news to Shawn.

Shawn felt his heart stop as he heard those two words before it kicked into overdrive, practically beating out of his chest. He tried to take a deep breath, calming himself. Okay, Shawn, just calm down, I’m sure she’s fine! I mean, she’s been at home sick all day. What possibly could have happened to her in the safety of your own home?

Thoughts and possibilities immediately rushed into his mind, his thoughts rushing to all sorts of horrible and somewhat ridiculous alternatives.

“Shawn!” Andrew yelled, pulling him out of his downward spiral. “Did you hear what I said?”

Shawn, unable to form coherent words at the moment, simply shook his head in response, anxiously awaiting his manager’s next words.

“Y/N started experiencing intense stomach pain not too long after your show started,” he began, trying to relay the information as smoothly and calmly as possible so as not to distress Shawn any more than necessary. “She called your mom, who took her to the hospital, but while they were on their way there, Y/N lost consciousness. It turns out she hadn’t had the stomach flu these past few days, but appendicitis. Her appendix burst in the car on the drive to the hospital. She’s in the operating room now, they’re doing emergency surgery as we speak.”

If Shawn wouldn’t have already been sitting, he would have fallen to the floor as he heard this news. His world completely stopped. Not you, he thought in agony. He couldn’t bear the thought of anything happening to you. He felt like he was in shock, slightly disbelieving that this was even happening to him right now. This had to be some horrible dream that he would wake up from any second now only to find you safe and secure by his side. However, deep down he knew this wasn’t a dream that he could easily awaken from, but real life. You were truly in the hospital at that very moment, unconscious and being cut into. His hands started to shake and tears started forming in his eyes as he thought about you, all alone in your apartment, realizing that you were so sick and in so much pain that you needed to go to the emergency room. And he hadn’t been there for you.That thought hit him like a ton of bricks. He was the worst boyfriend in the entire world. That same sentiment slammed into him, causing the tears to well and truly flow down his cheeks now in an unending torrent.

He jumped up, grabbing random things around him and stuffing them in the backpack that had been thrown carelessly on the floor only a few hours earlier. “I have to go,” he mumbled distractedly, mind running a million different directions, but his one focus being consistent: you. He had to get to you. He didn’t care how, all he knew was that he had to get to you. Now. “I have to see her, she has to be okay,” he cried, slowly crumbling before Andrew’s eyes. “I need to be there with her!” He shouted.

Andrew flinched slightly, eyes widened in sympathy. “I already took care of it, Shawn. I booked you the next flight back home. You leave in two hours and there’s a car waiting outside the stadium to take you to the airport. I’ve already talked to the manager’s here about postponing your show tomorrow. Y/N’s more important right now.”

Shawn breathed out a sigh of relief, glad that Andrew was understanding. He didn’t have the energy at the moment to throw a big fit about the necessity of leaving if Andrew had insisted he needed to stay for the show. “Thank you, man, I owe you one,” he stated, already making his way towards the door and dialing his mom’s number to alert her that he was on his way.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The sound of steady beeping pierced through your consciousness, slowly bringing you back into awareness of the world around you. Blinking against the harsh light that welcomed you once you finally opened your eyes, you looked around, noticing that you were in a small hospital room.

Well, this can’t be good, you thought to yourself, not quite remembering how you had gotten here, what happened, or even what day it was.

Looking down, you noticed an IV poking out of your arm and you grimaced. You hated needles. At least you didn’t remember the actual moment of its insertion. That was a small relief.

As you continued to come to, you noticed that the pain in your abdomen had faded from that sharp, stabbing, unbearable pain to now a dull ache that was definitely more manageable than the former had been.

“You’re awake!” A relieved voice exclaimed from the doorway, causing you to turn your head at the noise only to be greeted by Karen, Shawn’s mom. She quickly set down the cup of coffee that was in her hand that she had presumably just returned from obtaining, before sitting down in the chair beside your bed and grabbing the hand that didn’t have the IV in place. “I have been so worried about you, sweetheart. You gave me a downright scare there, fainting on me like that!”

“I did?” You questioned. You didn’t remember that part. But then again, the last thing you could recall was waking up from your nap in unspeakable pain. So surely Shawn’s mom would be aware of the true nature of events. “What happened?” You asked hesitantly, wondering if you even wanted to know what had led to you waking up in the hospital. “Am I okay?”

“Yeah, sweetie, you’re going to be just fine. You gave us all quite a scare, though,” she soothed, smoothing your hair down comfortingly.

“What happened?” You questioned again, anxiety rising higher with each passing moment.

“Shh, shh, shh,” she reassured. “Everything’s just fine, I promise. You had a pretty nasty case of appendicitis though,” she explained softly, once again grabbing your hand in reassurance. “Your symptoms over the past few days weren’t signs of the stomach flu, although they could be easily mistaken, but it was really appendicitis.”

You winced, knowing that appendicitis was not something to take lightly. People have died in the past from that. Why, oh why hadn’t you just gone to the doctor earlier? You knew that something had been seriously wrong. “How did I get here, though?”

“You called me up yesterday afternoon. You were in an awful amount of pain and you asked if I could drive you to the emergency room, but when we were on the way over here, you lost consciousness,” she stated, wincing slightly at the memory. “Thankfully, we weren’t very far away at that point and we were able to get you inside quickly and then up to surgery to have your appendix removed and your abdomen cleaned out.”

Your breaths started coming quicker and more raggedly. You had undergone surgery?! The girl who was terrified of having an IV put in, had gone through major surgery? You didn’t know what to think, panicking at the fact that if you hadn’t called Shawn’s mom when you did, you would likely be dead in your apartment right now. No one would have been able to get you to the hospital in time if your appendix had truly been that close to rupturing. Oh, God.

Shawn! You couldn’t even imagine what would have happened if Shawn had found out that you had died in your apartment from a burst appendix. Speaking of Shawn, did he know where you were? What had happened? He must be so worried! “Shawn- “you choked out, barely able to get that one syllable out as you felt worry rising within you like a wave.

Karen seemed to have sensed where you were going with this however and quickly reassured you. “I called Shawn once they took you up for surgery. He was in the middle of his show, so he didn’t get the message until it finished. He’s on his way here now though. He hopped on the first available flight. He should be here any minute actually,” she revealed softly.

You let out a quick breath, feeling slightly at ease that Shawn wasn’t halfway across the world, unknowing of your current condition. He would be here soon. It would all be okay. Shawn was coming. You would be in his arms soon enough. A few tears trickled down your cheeks and Karen pulled you in for a swift hug, knowing you just needed to be held at the moment and if her son couldn’t be here right now, she would be happy to fill in until he got here.

Thankfully, they didn’t have to wait too long. Not even five minutes later, they heard the door softly push open and a tired, fearful voice quietly stutter out your name in question. “Y/N?”

Your head shot up, immediately making eye contact with your beloved boyfriend, who looked absolutely horrible at the moment. His eyes were bloodshot, hair a mess from running his hands through them in worry, and a shirt that you recognized as being one of his tour shirts half-unbuttoned and slightly askew on his tall frame.

“Shawn,” you breathed out in relief, a new batch of tears already beginning to make their way down your cheeks.

Karen quickly stepped out of the way, a small smile gracing her lips as she beheld the love between her son and his girlfriend. “I’ll give you two some privacy,” she murmured, grabbing her purse and squeezing Shawn’s arm briefly before making her way out of the room.

Not even a second after the door had swung shut, Shawn had you in his arms, tears falling freely and unashamedly down his face. “You’re okay,” he sobbed, tightening his hold on you and burying his face into your hair, breathing in your scent. “You’re really okay. I was so scared something was going to go wrong and you weren’t going to make it,” he admitted, shuddering at the thoughts that had been plaguing his mind for the entire ten-hour flight that he had had to endure.

He pulled away slightly to press his lips fiercely against yours and you quickly returned the action, pouring all the love and reassurance that you could into that kiss. “I’m okay,” you whispered softly, once you both pulled away, your hands coming up to cup his cheeks.

He placed his hands over your own, smiling slightly at you despite the tears that were still falling down his face. You wiped them away gently, taking in each of his features, relieved to finally have him by your side.

“I’m so sorry that I wasn’t here, baby,” he wept. “I don’t know what I would have done if something had happened to you. If my mom hadn’t been there. I – I…” he trailed off, words failing him as the tears fell harder. You gently pulled him into your arms, stroking his hair softly.

“Shhhh,” you murmured softly, doing your best to comfort him, knowing just how hard he was on himself. This was not going to be something that he forgot easily. “I’m okay, Shawn. I’m okay. We’re both here together and we’re safe and we’re okay. That’s what matters. Nothing else is important right now, alright?” You tried your best to convince him that this wasn’t his fault. It was some freak accident that none of you could have anticipated and he shouldn’t beat himself up about it. It was out of anyone’s hands, especially his own.

He nodded weakly, head still buried in your chest. His sniffles were slowly calming down however, which you took as a good sign.

He pulled away to bring you in for a sweet kiss. “I love you so much,” he murmured against your lips before peppering kisses all over your face, causing you to giggle in response. He was just the cuddliest, sweetest boy you had ever met and you were beyond grateful to have him here by you side.

“Wait!” You gasped, sitting up, causing Shawn to snap to attention, thinking that something was wrong. “What about your show tonight, Shawn?” You asked. “You had two more in London, right?”

Shawn gently tucked a strand of hair behind your ear and smiled at you softly. “Don’t worry about it, baby. Andrew took care of it. We’ll do make up shows sometime soon, but right now this is where I belong.”

You smiled up at him, wondering how you had ever gotten so lucky as to have this incredible man in your life. “I love you, Shawn,” you whispered, wanting him to know just how much it meant to you to have him here with you and for him being so willing to drop everything to be by your side in your hour of need.

He grinned in response. “I love you more, Y/N. I’m so glad that you’re okay. You’re my anchor in this crazy world. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Luckily, you’ll never have to find out. I’m afraid you’re stuck with me, Shawn,” you stated sweetly before bringing him in for another sweet kiss.

[otter1962]

Mirror, mirror... Part 2

Mirror, mirror on the wall… I look in the mirror and I see my eyes. They are deep wells full of so much. I see the pain and suffering in my own eyes. I feel like I’ve been splayed out like a frog being dissected. I shared so much to the world. Now that it is all out, there is a possibility of peace in my mind. I’ve really nothing to hide. I’ve said most of it in the last blog entry. I didn’t mention financial hardships or the day to day issues that crop up for the average teacher, the average man just living his life the best that he can; sometimes succeeding, sometimes failing, but still plodding on in the hopes that something good will come of it. I had a doctor’s appointment today. I asked for a letter to have some time off to recover from my chemo pills. The doctor gladly accepted and so has my school. I can go and rest for a short week and take care of myself at the end of October. The reactions from yesterday’s blog has been mostly positive. People have responded in many kind ways and some, try to let me know that that they understand. Some have been so kind in their responses. A few questioned my emotional state, concerned that I may be at a breaking point. So why did I share all of that?  Am I searching for someone to feel sorry for me? No, absolutely not. I bared my soul, took a good look at in the mirror and I am trying to be positive about the outcome. What do I want?  Wow! So many things. Are they selfish to want or are they just the things that the average person needs or wants in their life? I’ve long forgiven my parents for thinking the way that they did. They came around and accepted some of my partners into their home and cared greatly for my success and tried to help the best that they could when I fell down. Some of my friends from high school told me that if they had known that I was gay, they would have supported me and stood by me to prevent the bullying.  I was too busy hiding myself out of shame. I never stood in front of those ten bullies from school later in life. None of them know about the damage they caused, nor would they care if they did. I can leave them behind. I burned my year books years ago in an attempt to break away from them. I’ve met a lot of guys in my past. I’m not really proud of some of the things that I did, but I know one thing: I am who I am and I so much want someone to love me for who I am, not as how they think I should be! I’m going to be honest here; I find it hard to believe that there will be a man somewhere that could be that person for me.  Sometimes I think that I have had too many tries in the relationship game and it is now game over. Sometimes I think that I am too old to keep trying. I’ve met some wonderful men in my past too! There are some, when I look back, might have been a wonderful partner, it I’d only seen it at the time. Regrets? Sure. Not all the men that I met were as I described: There have been a lot of caring men, kind men and giving men.  Maybe I was too selfish to see what they were offering. So, maybe it is time to open my heart to the possibility to having it happen to me, even if I don’t always believe. I’ve had some nasty relationships. I’ve played a part in all of them, so I am not the shining hero or victim that has suffered through all of that. I was a part of it and I played my role.  The only thing that I never did was to damage their self esteem by being selfish. I always tried to love each and every one of them, the best that I could - even if it almost destroyed me. I’ve survived HIV for over 30 years. I seroconverted in 1983. When I was tested in 1986, we traced it back to man in 1983 in Toronto.  I found him later, on an AIDS memorial list in Toronto several years later. In all of my time, I never gave the virus to any man on purpose or by accident. I have had a 0 viral load for over 20 years and studies now say that someone like me can’t transmit the virus.  No guilt for me to think that I may have converted someone else. I’ve lived through many pill cocktails and, thankfully, have been on stable medications for over 20 years now with no side effects. What was once considered a terminal syndrome is now a chronic one.  I have to take pills for the rest of my life, but at least I won’t die from AIDS complications.  Even the stigma is leaving, with Prep for those who are negative and pills to keep me healthy. Even the internalize homophobia is gone from my soul! I don’t feel guilty or dirty for being a gay man! Imagine me telling this story 20 or 10 or even 5 years ago! There would have been a lot of backlash. I’ve told everyone now. It’s no secret and I have neither something to hide nor shame for being so. I’ve had some nasty relationships. It seems that caregivers such as myself often attract narcissistic people because we are considered easy prey. Now that I look in that mirror, I see a man who knows who they are and what they can do. I’m not going to let it happen again. I’ve even had to say good bye to a few recently. At least I know the signs and can prevent it from continuing. I’ve learned from those bad relationships and I refuse to cause pain like that or allow that to happen to me again. Can I love again? I don’t know.  Someone recently told me that I should start loving myself.  I’ve done that for so many years and have found peace and love for myself time and time again. Sure, I have my times when things get really cloudy or sometimes downright bad. I wrote that last blog and to put it out there and then let it go the best that I can. On the subject of my cancer, I am moving forward. I’m almost at the halfway point. I’ve experienced fatigue, some body pain, headaches and now some nausea. I’m going to continue to the end of my treatment as best as I can.   People around have been so kind in regards to my cancer diagnosis: My family doctor, my cancer nurse, the local pharmacists in Hubbards, the staff at school (especially my Vice Principal and Principal) and friends near and far. Yesterday, I wrote that the man in the mirror had great success at suffering and pain.  The man on this side of the mirror is tired, but is still getting up and trying again and again.  Maybe I can say that my Viking stubbornness sometimes pays off in my favour! I think that I am done self flagellating myself too.  I can’t continue to blame myself for all the bad things that have happened. So, I look in the mirror and I see the other me standing on the other side. He’s grateful for his pain and suffering.  He doesn’t have a problem; he lives for what he believes what his lot should be.  Is there justice on this side of the mirror?  I think so. I am thankful for having experienced the pain and suffering so that I can move past it and become a whole person. I’m going to feel many things in the next while: loneliness, sadness, and maybe other peoples’ ignorance to what is going on in my head.  I think that I am also going to experience happiness, joy, self love; love for friends and family; love from so many people, and maybe one day… one day… a man may come along to love me with all his heart as I would love him. I’m no hero. I can be strong and I can be weak.  Even though there is a constant battle being fought, at least I can see that the light at the end of the tunnel is something for which the fight is worth! I wrote earlier about what I want in life.  I don’t have to spell it out. It is written in the lines of this blog or in between them. I’ll keep fighting and keep being me. I want a happy life. Thank you, everyone for sharing your love, concern and even your misunderstandings. You’ve all helped me so much more than you know.

[harbingham]

                   Harry took one look at the survey && rolled his eyes. What a waste of fucking time. As if they were all going to BOND because a survey supposedly confirmed they could be  f r i e n d s  . Or at the very least good roommates ?? Whatever. Harry quickly wrote his name, crossing out the rest of the questions with EASE. Besides, they knew who he was already.

          Instead, cursive letters inked the paper — If you put me with someone annoying, I’ll make sure the trip is absolute hell. Ending the sentence with a thick period, annoyance festering as it usually did with life’s POINTLESS trifles.

                    The usual smug smirk dipped over his lips, carelessly turning the questionnaire in without a second thought.

so yeahhh, because my son is the way he is ... i filled it out for him bless up. why do i love harry bingham when i fucking hate him ?? idk fam, idk.

BASIC INFORMATION

FULL NAME: Harold Theodore Bingham PRONUNCIATION: H EH - r uh l d   th EE - uh - d aw r    b IH  ng-uh m   MEANING: estate ruler  /  army leader  REASONING: Harold was his great-grandfather’s name, while Theodore is is father’s name that’s been passed down for quite a while as either a first/middle kinda deal NICKNAME(S): Harry, Har ( though he doesn't like it  ) Bingham, Pretty Boy PREFERRED NAME(S): Harry, just Harry unless you want a punch or a mean remark bless BIRTH DATE: April 13th, 2001 AGE: 18 ZODIAC: Aries !! GENDER: Male PRONOUNS: He/Him ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Heteroromantic SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Heterosexual NATIONALITY: American ETHNICITY: wonder bread

BACKGROUND

BIRTH PLACE: West Ham, CT HOMETOWN: West Ham, CT SOCIAL CLASS: Upper/Close to the 1% FATHER: Theodore Bingham † MOTHER: Karen Bingham SIBLING(S): Stacy Bingham ( 12 ) BIRTH ORDER: Harry, Stacy PET(S): In the Bingham household ?? Never. OTHER IMPORTANT RELATIVES: He’s surrounded by family, they usually always have at least two reunions a year. However he’s never felt close to them ?? So he’d never list their names here really. He’s only somewhat close to his immediate family. Though, he was close to his nanny growing up if that counts bless PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS: it’s a list of like ... relatively short lasting relationships, hookups, && one night stands, until his most recent, kelly, which is probably his longest lasting one ?? ARRESTS?: Technically, on record, none :). He’s definitely been caught like, trespassing, underage drinking, && drunk driving lbh ... but yeah, no record. i hate him. PRISON TIME?: N/A

OCCUPATION & INCOME

SOURCE OF INCOME: intern at parent’s company  /  his parents CONTENT WITH THEIR JOB (OR LACK THERE OF)?: he doesn’t really like it tbh, but it’s done his family well so after college he definitely plans to continue the legacy && make if flourish even more. PAST JOB(S): n/a SPENDING HABITS: *throws money in trash can* MOST VALUABLE POSSESSION: the gold ring with the bingham family insignia his father gave him when he turned 13 ( made him feel like he finally belonged you feel )  though he’d tell you it’s everything he owns ... i hate him

SKILLS & ABILITIES

TALENTS: bringing people together ( or apart ), lightening the mood ( or you know, fucking it up too ), banter, racing, fixing cars SHORTCOMINGS: oh honey — saying shit he doesn’t mean, his own arrogance, addictive personality, emotional invulnerability, aloof nature, shall i continue ?? LANGUAGE(S) SPOKEN: English, French, Italian DRIVE?: Hell yeah JUMP-STAR A CAR?: Yes CHANGE A FLAT TIRE?: Yes, but he’d rather pay someone to do it before ever doing it himself RIDE A BICYCLE?: nope catch me crying SWIM?: Yes PLAY AN INSTRUMENT?: Does learning the recorder in 3rd grade count ?? PLAY CHESS?: Yes BRAID HAIR?: Yes ( Stacy made him learn since he was the only one home most of the time ) TIE A TIE?: Yes, his father practically taught him that in the womb. PICK A LOCK?: nah. he’s more into the jump the fence, break some glass, make a fucking scene, kinda trespassing

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE & CHARACTERISTICS

FACE CLAIM: Alex Fitzalan EYE COLOR: dark brown, specks of gold in natural light HAIR COLOR: Chestnut Brown HAIR TYPE/STYLE: Curly && wavy, his hair texture kinda varies by each strand unless he properly styles it ... which he does when feeling okay GLASSES/CONTACTS?: No, but he definitely likes the aesthetic of glasses sometimes. Like bet money on his ivy interviews he wore glasses ... did i mention i hate harry bingham ?? DOMINANT HAND: Right HEIGHT: 5′10″ WEIGHT: 140/150ish lbs ??? BUILD: Slender Muscular EXERCISE HABITS: it’s rather irregular and depends heavily on his mood. if he’s in a good/okay mood then a few times a week. otherwise it’s hard to do much of anything, let alone work out you know. SKIN TONE: light with pink/tan undertones TATTOOS: none PIERCINGS: none MARKS/SCARS: small dark birth mark near his right, outer ankle. shoulders/back && cheeks tend to get rather freckly in the summer && he hates it. some random cuts && bruises from blacked out drunk/high escapades, the occasional hickey bye. NOTABLE FEATURES: dimples when he actually smiles, white af teeth, the hair™ USUAL EXPRESSION: either completely unamused or smirking tbh CLOTHING STYLE: designer, preppy — think polos, ironed pants, or cuffed skinny jeans, all paired with some boat shoes. sometimes when he’s not feeling so great he’ll wear a plain tee/hoodie JEWELRY: gold pinky ring ( mentioned above ), apple watch on occasion ALLERGIES: long haired cats BODY TEMPERATURE: runs hot 😏 DIET: no such thing, boy’s metabolism is fast, the lucky son of a bitch. PHYSICAL AILMENTS: N/A

PSYCHOLOGY

MORAL ALIGNMENT: Chaotic Neutral TEMPERAMENT: Choleric  /  Melancholic ELEMENT: Fire MENTAL CONDITIONS/DISORDERS: Anxiety, Depression, Toxic Masculinity 👀 SOCIABILITY: Moody™, but very social. Popular™. EMOTIONAL STABILITY: um ... he tries ?? it’s not good though, nope. PHOBIA(S): autophobia ( fear of being alone ),  atychiphobia ( fear of failure ) ADDICTION(S): coffee, opiods, alcohol, etc DRUG USE: yes please ALCOHOL USE: yes please PRONE TO VIOLENCE?: if provoked yes, or if he feels the need to protect/stand against something.

MANNERISMS

QUIRKS: easily annoyed, rolls his eyes a lot, has a comeback for almost everything ( even if it’s just a fuck you ) HOBBIES: cars, racing, sailing ( learned from his dad ),  HABITS: drinking, swearing, pills, drinks coffee every morning NERVOUS TICKS: furrowed brows, pacing/unable to stand still, hand twitching, squinting eyes DRIVES/MOTIVATIONS: Money, Perfectionism, doing the Bingham name justice FEARS: Being forgotten, Isolation, Losing the rest of his family/the few he cares about, Death, Fatal Illness POSITIVE TRAITS: Charming, Adventurous, Witty, Ambitious, Assertive, Protective NEGATIVE TRAITS: Moody, Enigmatic, Cocky, Prideful, Destructive, Sarcastic, Stubborn, Impatient SENSE OF HUMOR: sarcastic, dark DO THEY CURSE OFTEN?: he fucking literally fucking says fuck every fucking other fucking word :D CATCHPHRASE(S): fuck you cassandra, fuck off, fuck you, fuck me, fuck that, we’re playing fugitive tonight

FAVORITES

ACTIVITY: Racing  /  Sailing ANIMAL: Otters BEVERAGE: any && all alcohol™ ... or secretly strawberry hi-c don’t @ him. BOOK: never let me go by kazuo ishiguro CELEBRITY: Margot Robbie COLOR: Navy Blue && Dark Gray DESIGNER: Balenciaga && Ralph Lauren FOOD: loaded fries FLOWER: blue stars GEM: Sapphire/Diamond HOLIDAY: halloween MODE OF TRANSPORTATION: he has a lot of favorite cars, but his black maserati ( aka the fugitive car ) is probably his favorite. he also likes helicopters MOVIE: Fight Club, The Wolf on Wall Street, The Breakfast Club MUSICAL ARTIST: blackbear, Drake are two of his go-tos, though the list is long QUOTE/SAYING: “Just do it.” boy bye SCENERY: nothing like overlooking a long wooden dock into a bright blue lake surrounded by trees  SCENT: cedar, sandalwood — anything kinda woody/musky ?? bless. SPORT: golf SPORTS TEAM: his father always rooted for the yankees, so he roots for the yankees TELEVISION SHOW: Mad Men WEATHER: cloudy with just a bit of sun peaking through, bright blue sky — not too hot, not too cold. VACATION DESTINATION: anywhere near a body of water, though he’s particularly fond of lake como in italy cause there’s a bit of everything ?? mountains, the lake, beautiful architecture, etc :’)

ATTITUDES

GREATEST DREAM: living that ‘american dream’ baby GREATEST FEAR: peaking in high school, being forgotten/not wanted (yet you push people away boii water u doing ?!), being vulnerable ... again there’s a long fucking list MOST AT EASE WHEN: in a fast car, living that reckless™ lifestyle LEAST AT EASE WHEN: realizing what a dumbass he is && having to apologize for it BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT: getting into brown && columbia off some actual merit && not just money wow BIGGEST REGRET: not really being there for his dad near the end bc that would mean being vulnerable && saying goodbye coming on this fucking trip MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT: losing the student body president position to cassandra BIGGEST SECRET: which one you want honey ?? TOP PRIORITIES: for everything to stay the same  /  go back to the way it was  :) :( :) :(

[autumnfanfiction]

15.

Robyn didn't know where she was going, but she knew she needed to take a walk. The news overwhelmed her and was the last thing she expected to come out Chris' mouth, especially at the time he decided to drop the bomb on her. It explained why he had been acting so strange at times for the past two weeks. She couldn't believe he kept something like this from her. She would have rather dealt with it at the same time as Gran Gran's death than now. She was supposed to be happy right now and if she were to cry it was supposed to be tears of joy. She was supposed to be in the bed with him butt naked and in love, not outside fully clothed and depressed.

She found a bench near the hotel and sat down. She watched as couples flooded the streets and it seemed they all had their lives ahead of them. Had enough time to plan out their future, while hers and Chris' were limited. Her fears were finally confirmed and now that she knew she didn't know how to handle it.

"What's wrong sweetie?"

She turned her head to the right to see an old lady offering her a gentle smile but concerned look. She wished she had the opportunity to live that old.

Before she could reply the old lady spoke again. "You should be running around here with your husband, not sitting here alone sulking."

She smiled sadly. "I'm not married."

"Yet." The old woman countered confidently "What did he do?"

She sighed. "Well we both have Mesothelioma, and he's known for two weeks that we're gonna die, and I'm the last to know. He lied to me all this time, led me on to believe that we had so many years ahead of us when we only have one. That we'd live despite how fatal cancer could be. He told me not too long ago after we finished having sex. I would have preferred him to tell me when I already had to deal with my Gran Gran dying, not know when we're supposed to be enjoying each other's company."

"First of all, I'm sorry to hear that dear. That must be a tough pill to swallow. Secondly, ouch. That is bad timing and he was wrong to lie to you, but do you really think there ever would have been a "good time" for him to tell you?"

"No, but–––"

"Do you really believe that you would have been able to deal with your grandmother passing then learn your time would come soon?" Robyn paused and thought for a moment. "With your hesitation, I'm going to say the answer is no. Let me ask you four questions so I know what I'm dealing with here. Is that fine?"

"Yes."

"Does he treat you with respect? That's the first question. The second question is if he is the exact same person twenty years from now that he is today, would you still want to marry him? The third question is, would you be proud to have a son just like him? Lastly, does he inspire you to be a better person? If you answer yes to all these questions, then you have a good man."

The old woman looked at Robyn, and she nodded. "Okay. I understand he kept something huge from you, but you have to understand that this doesn't just affect you. Both of you are dying, so while you're out here talking to someone, who's comforting him? Do you honestly believe that he did this to be malicious?"

Robyn shook her head.

"Do you believe that he had good intentions?"

"Yes."

"So why'd you walk out?"

"I just needed space."

"Then you get space within that room. You don't walk away when things get uncomfortable, that's the most important time to communicate."

She started to feel guilty for leaving Chris alone in their hotel room and remembered the promise she made to Gran Gran before her passing. She silently apologized to her before thanking the old woman. "You're right. That's what my Gran Gran told me before she passed."

"It's fine, dear. You're not perfect, and neither is he, but that's what makes it beautiful. Instead of wasting the time you have you should be using it to make as many babies as you can."

Robyn laughed and agreed.

"Go to him. Talk to him and express how you feel so you both can get through it together because in the end, that's all you have is each other."

"I will, thank you again." She stood up and began to walk but stopped. "I didn't catch your name, I'm Robyn."

She winked. "Just think of me as a fairy godmother."

When Robyn blinked she was long gone, and she looked around before seeing her walking away already at a far distance waving back at her. She just stood there and looked on until she disappeared into the night before walking back to her hotel room.

-

"Hi, Mama."

"Chris, what's wrong? You don't sound happy."

"Mama, she left–––"

"WHAT."

"The room."

"Boy, you almost gave me a heart attack. That's not funny."

He laughed for the first time since his conversation with Robyn. "That's not my fault. You should've let me finish."

"Shush. Now tell me what happened."

"I finally built up the courage to tell her."

He heard his Mother sigh. "Just give her some time. You had more time than her to take the news in so she just needs some space right now. She'll come back, baby."

"I'm thinking of proposing but I think I'll just have a bad streak of having bad timing."

"When did you plan on doing it?"

"Tomorrow night."

"Just see how everything goes from when she comes back until then. Time to think might do her some good."

"I hope so. Right now everything is scheduled as planned, but if I see she's not warming up to me, I'll postpone it."

"She'll come around. Make sure to take lots of pictures, and a video and I don't mean those other kinds of videos either. I want grandbabies, but I don't need to see how they were made."

He laughed. "Really Mama?"

"You know you're technologically challenged."

"Bye Mama."

She laughed. "I'm going to let you go, talk to you soon. I love you."

"I love you too."

-

Chris was finally able to fall asleep but he felt the bed move and soon a pair of arms wrapping around him. He soon felt kisses placed on his neck, which caused him to stir a little out of his sleep. He turned over and opened his eyes looking back at her.

"Hi." She said softly

"Hi."

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm better now that you're here."

"I'm sorry for leaving you. I should've toughed it out and talk to you about it. I know you meant no harm and I understand your reasoning. You forgive me?"

"I'll always forgive you, and I was never mad at you. You needed time to clear your head, I get it. I dropped a bomb on you, so you had every right to do what you felt was necessary to cope with your feelings at the time. It made me sad, but I understood nonetheless."

"I didn't want to make you sad."

"I didn't want to make you sad either."

"What made you sad?"

"That was due to the fact I thought you walking out the door was equivalent to walking out my life. I was overthinking."

"Now you should know better than that Mr. Brown. You're stuck with me."

"Like crazy glue?"

She laughed and ran her finger along his lips. "Yes, Reeses, like crazy glue."

"I'm sorry for lying to you. I gave you false hope and misled you, and I realize how wrong I was to do that. You forgive me?"

"Of course I forgive you, Pooh. You're all I have left in this world, it hurt, but I'm not going to stay at mad you. I love you."

"Buttercup?"

"Yes?"

"I missed you."

She pouted and pecked his lips a few times. "I missed you too. It really wasn't my intention to be out so long, but I wasn't far from the hotel. I was right outside."

"Buttercup?"

"Yes, Reeses?"

"Do you think we're going to make it?" She wiped the single tear that came from his eye. "We have so much to do before it's time for us to die. I don't want us to focus on that, I just want us to focus on the positive. We shouldn't fear death especially when we know it's inevitable. I look at it like this, we have the privilege of having our present be written for us; everything is certain, and there's nothing to guess. We know what our fate will be and we also know that everything that happens will be done together. Not everyone has that luxury. I just want to have fun, to laugh, and to live to the fullest. You're my best friend and I love you. I got you like you got me. Everything will work out."

"Do you want kids still?"

Robyn pouted and thought it for a moment. "Honestly, I was apprehensive about it because I didn't want them to have cancer like us, but since I know it's not hereditary that debunks my fear of them dying," she paused and thought about what she wanted to say next. She knew how growing up without parents felt––– her Mother's death unfortunate and not knowing about her Father. Robyn remembered feeling sad at times but had a great guardian in Dolly to make up for it. When she got older she missed them often, but it didn't have any negative effects on her as an adult. But, would it affect their kids? "I'm not sure how they would handle growing up without us, you know? I think we should think about it some more."

"I'll agree with whatever you decide, Buttercup." Chris moved in closer, and she held him. It was his turn to be openly uncertain about everything between them. He cried silently while Robyn rubbed his back and let him cry. Chris was so strong for her during her time of grief, bottled up his emotions so that he could focus on her. The roles were now reversed, and it was time for Robyn to be there for him. If they had kids he wanted to be able to watch them grow up, that's truly what he knew he would miss. He wanted to be present for every birthday, for each wedding. He wanted to witness the birth of his future grandchildren, but when he finally realized that he would be doing so just in another place, a much safer place with the person that blessed him with a person he often found refuge in the disappointment started to falter.

-

They spent the wee hours of the morning alternating between making love and talking, the passion between them so undeniable, it was clear nobody could make them feel this way. Chris had his back against the headboard with Robyn adjacent to him, her leg lying across his lap. He heard her start to hum, so he took her leg and began pretending he was playing the guitar. Robyn giggled as he continued. His fingers started to glide down to the inside of her thigh. He heard her light moans when his finger rested at the center of her pussy. He moved so he could be in between and legs and blew at her lips, watching as juices slowly dripped out of her. He did a slow savoring lick from the bottom to her clit, swirling his tongue around it repeatedly and her hand gripped his head immediately. She was so swollen, sensitive, he wanted to take his time while she wanted him to dive right in. He started by rimming her entrance with the tip of his tongue, moving it around and around. "Baby, please.".

He stuck his tongue inside of her and sucked softly before she came, her body shaking violently. He moved up and placed soft kisses at her neck, before licking across it. When he was done he blew on it and felt the heat radiating off her skin rise. "Chris." She said breathlessly

"Keep humming." She did what he said before pausing briefly, feeling him push into her, parting her lips. She tightened around him, so close to cumming he could feel it. He went deep until he reached the end, both of them moaning once he bottomed her out. He clasped their hands together and moved them above her head before moving in a slow rhythm, singing the lyrics to the melody she hummed.

No one else comes close to you

No one makes me feel the way you do

You're so special girl, to me

And you'll always be eternally

Robyn bucked into his next thrust and nearly came. His soft velvety tone was bringing her closer to the edge and holding his stare wasn't making it any easier. She felt her heart swell seeing the love in his eyes and she felt the safest she's ever been, then again she always felt safe with him. No one else came close to him either, and no one would come close ever.

Every time I hold you near

You always say the words I love to hear

Girl with just a touch, you can do so much

No one else comes close

He's come to know her body so well, where he could touch to get her turned on quickly, what could make her come readily, and all her erogenous zones. He was stroking long, slow, embracing the feel of her around him, rubbing over her tender bundle of nerves that contracted around him. Rolling his hips, he screwed into her, exploiting other spots. He watched as her eyes rolled in the back of her head and felt as she tightened the grip of their hands.

"Don't cum," he whispered, "Make it last."

"You feel too good," He unlocked one of their hands from each other, to pinch her pierced nipple and he felt her muscles clench so hard he groaned with his next thrust. "Baby," she pleaded "I'm gonna come if you don't slow down." Her neck arched when his lips drifted across her throat.

I'll always treasure every kiss

He kissed her deeply, slipping his tongue in her mouth catching every moan she let out.

I love you girl in every way

And I always will 'cause in my eyes

No one else comes close to you

"Cum for me Baby Girl." On time, the orgasm struck. It came over and over as he drove into her, prolonging her climax, before pushing her into another one before he finally let himself come. After they caught their breaths, he told her to lift her head so he could place the pillows under it before using her breasts as his pillows. She smiled down at him while massaging his head, continuing to hum softly before they both fell asleep.

[treago]

Here are some useless facts about me for you guys.  just a laundry list of bullshit

I have a younger sister. We took pictures last Saturday of all places we went to as kids or memories we had, were making a calendar for our parents.  theres a lot of parks on the list, and its gonna be hard to distinguish them, but im looking forward to our burgerking set where we reminds me family of the time my sister kicked out my front teeth on a burger king slide minutes after seeing the dentist

I never had a sleepover with nonfamily. Having sleep overs was infrequent enough that even with family, I was overjoyed.  It’s not really a sleep over when youre an adult, but if it is, i just as rarely do it

I floss regularly if I have access to it. I forget to buy it all the time. It's the only thing my dentist is proud of because it shows compared to my gums which are total garbage

Most of my English is self taught through television. My parents grew up close ish in Puerto Rico, met each other here, got married and spit me out a year and a half later.  I remember being pretty good at spanish at one point in my life and i know its not the case anymore.

Home alone 2 is my Christmas movie of choice. My family marathons each of our Christmas movies that morning while opening presents. Mine is usually first and occurs during the whole time we’re opening stuff.  If you got a candid camera on our gift opening im probably watching home alone most of the time.

I didn't pick up or hold a cat until I was well into my teens. My mom was allergic and I assumed I was too. I might be, I'm not sure, but I doubt it. I didn't have friends with cats till high school.

My first long term girlfriend cheated on me. It's something I don't like to think about because I effectually let it slide because I was so eager to have a girlfriend which is the dumbest thing ever. I was 21

When I was growing up my family always said I was negative and quiet and sarcastic. I desperately try not to be and most friends from work would say I'm not. I'm still bitter that the perception is the same as when i was younger

I dont remember why orange is my favorite color. I know it was green when I was younger because of the ninja turtles and I know Michelangelo is orange, but I'm 100% positive the reason I like orange has nothing to do with that.

I started watch anime to impress girls. It actually worked at the time but I was honestly more interested in anime.

Pills scare me. I had to take some when I was younger and couldn't really bring myself to do it. My dad yelled about it a lot and then my parents opted to cut the pill open and have me drink the water. My dad basically forced me to drink the water while he screamed at me. Its one of the few times I ever remember him being mean. I take a pill a day thats about the size of an m&m mini and refuse to take anything else

I destroyed my first email account by using survey websites to get money for maple story. We're talking 100s of emails an hour. Spam filters weren't what they are now so I just had to remake an email account thats how I arrived at needing my first consistent username. Super hint it's not treago, that was after I became ashamed of anime and needed to change the embarrassment

When I was in 3rd grade we had to taste test jelly for some sort of project. I did not want to taste jelly and was forced to try it. I didnt like it at all and puked. I have a pretty strong aversion to trying things I dont think I'll like because of it

i love telling people the story of how my car was broken into.  i always tell it badly because im really excited to talk about it because its a fun story with a weird resolution.  I love that its a story that couldnt really functionally happen to me at any other time of my life, and couldnt happen anymore really.  Its also a story that requires set up and thats just the worst part about telling stories

the car story leads me into the fact that i never really listened to music intentionally.  There was a small period when i was in middle school where i thought music was really important to being liked, so i listened to music.  I remember asking my parents for a cd player for christmas that year, and i got nsync no strings attached as the cd.  i dont think my parents understood they were a boy band who made music primarly for girls, they just were like “son gets cd with boys on it, and daughter gets cd with girls on it”.  Real talk i never once listened to it, but i still adore the song bye bye bye now that im like 30 and have literally no shame in my music tastes

theres a lot of things i want to do that i need the right ambassador for. I’m just a hesitant person, and with gentle coaxing i do a lot of stuff i otherwise normally wouldnt do, but most people just want to force me to do things and that never goes well.  Like getting a tattoo, trying weed, anal, are all really extreme examples but even super tame dumb stuff like touching bugs or going to a different country for a vacation

when i lost my job at the candy store, i basically decided i was going to be as nice as possible.  i dont remember the reasoning behind it, but i do remember lots of push back against it.  i distinctly remember saying “its never a bad day” and having one of my coworkers literally tell me, that “that attitude is going to change”, and i just had to be nice for my entire time there outta spite except i really enjoyed the personality i went with it permanently.  I cant really remember how i acted like 5 years ago.

[donzysguidetofreedom]

So guys welcome to my April. Two weeks ago, I had a stomachache and started to develop a headache. It progressed until that Saturday my fiancée dragged me to to emergency room. I couldn’t focus, I just cried while holding my head. We get there and they give me a “migraine cocktail”. I take a nap and I’m feeling ok. Not great. Pain at a 3-4. But they’re like welp you’re good to go bye. Come back if the pain comes back all the way today. Here’s some imitrex and take it every 2 hours when a migraine comes on and you’ll be fine. We get home around 1pm. We go to bed (he works nights and hadn’t been to bed yet) I wake up at 3 and my headaches coming back so I pop an imitrex. I do the same at 5, 7, and 9 as it just keeps coming. He packs me back into the car and we’re back at the hospital. They give me another cocktail and over the next 24 hours in the ER do a spinal tap and a million other tests. I get admitted and I’m in inconsolable pain. No amount of drugs would touch it. I barely take Tylenol on the regular and let me repeat, drugs were not touching my pain. I was in fetal position crying in the worst pain of my life. I told my mom and fiancée repetitively that I thought I was going to die. I’m not being dramatic. I could feel my pulse in my head. My mom held my head for me while I tried to sleep and couldn’t. I barely could sip water. I couldn’t open my eyes. It took constant medication until Monday afternoon to bring my pain down at all. From Saturday to Monday afternoon I cried and begged for pain medication. I just still can’t fathom how bad it got. Also, when I got to the hospital my resting heart rate was 135. I was weak and dizzy and didn’t know why. I’m severely anemic, and actually had an appointment to meet a hematologist last week to look into it. I’ve been anemic for years, I take an iron pill daily, but it’s just gotten worse. And I have other medical problems so I think most doctors put it on the back burner and I didn’t realize how bad it was. Well from Saturday til Wednesday, I set off the heart rate monitors every time I stood up. I wasn’t allowed to go to the bathroom unsupervised. I didn’t know what was wrong. My anemia had gotten so bad that my brain was begging my heart for blood to my extremities and there just wasn’t enough blood to go anywhere. Hence the heart rate. I had two blood transfusions and two iron infusions over the week. I’m going to need these regularly until my hematologist can get to the bottom of my anemia. Unfortunately they can’t really run tests until I get to a normal level. I haven’t had a normal level since 2011. I can’t imagine how much better I’ll feel. This is so relieving. I go in Wednesday for a follow up. They don’t officially know what it was. I tested negative for everything. However, about two weeks before that I had started a new drug for my ulcerative colitis. I had read side effects cause headaches, so on that Friday before the hospital I had called my GI and asked about it. He told me to stop the medication and we’d touch base this week on a new treatment. So I stopped on Friday. The doctors said I either had chemical (asymptomatic) meningitis caused by a bad reaction to that medication, which is extremely rare and there isn’t a test for it but it’s not contagious, or I just suffered a bad reaction to that medication. Regardless, me stopping the drug could’ve saved my life. It was terrifying and I’m so glad I’m home. I’m not cleared for exercise yet but I’m being the best damn cheerleader as I can for my team in the Fresh Faces challenge. I hope to be kicking butt with them soon! Also, just icing on the cake, my wedding is in 12 days. So I’m so glad it wasn’t more serious. If it had been viral meningitis I would’ve been in the hospital for at least 2 weeks. So I’ve been MIA but I’m ok. Missed you all. Hopefully back to 100% soon

[melikeylikeyjimin]

Mental || Six

Word Count: 3,231 Words

Genre:  Psychiatric Patient! Hoseok x Doctor! Reader, Fluff, Angst, Smut(?)

a/n: I was sick so I couldn’t finish writing it when I wanted, but here it is! I hope you guys enjoy it.

Previous Chapter || Next Chapter

Monday came by at a rapid pace. The two days of the weekend effortlessly flying by in a blur. My eyes squinted around my dim habitat. My eyes were still filled with sleepiness. The tiny slit of sunshine shone through my wine colored curtains. I sat up slowly already dreading the start of my day.

I awoke with a sense of anxiousness, all because of my newest patient, Hoseok. Hoseok was not the first patient I saw during my schedule. He would fall behind the other boys still and I would check in on him after lunch.

I pulled my thick blankets away from my stiff body that radiated sleepiness off of it. My eyes trained on the clock, I wanted to desperately go back to bed even though it was only eight in the morning. I pulled myself together and pushed myself towards the bathroom to take my shower to begin my day.

I started up the shower letting the water become a boiling temperature. I needed the water to burn so I could wake up. I stripped myself of my simple pajamas and let my body relax into the boiling temperatures of the water. I was dressed and ready to begin my shift within twenty minutes.

I checked my appearance for the nth time, trying to convince myself that today would be ok. I took a deep breath and locked my little apartment behind me. I rode in the elevator with my materials. I had all the medical files of my patients and the key cards.

Over the weekend, Mr. Song had the special key card to Hoseok's isolated room delivered. I slipped it into my pocket and went to eat the breakfast that I knew I would need. I was hesitant to eat at first, my nervousness getting to my head.

I had never felt this uneasy about a new patient before, but I was losing my head. My thoughts were scattered all over the place just like my instincts. I wanted to help this man but even though I've never seen him or met him before, my instincts were telling me to escape and save myself.

I ate what I could force myself to keep down before clocking myself in for my shift. Mr. Song caught me right before I left the staff room. "Y/N, how are you holding up, are you fired up to start?" I didn't know if I should lie to him or not. I chose that lying would be better, I was probably just being over dramatic in the first place.

I nodded my head at him, "Of course I'm elated to be able to start working with Hoseok! I really hope I can do something for him." He smiled instantly, "Go get them, tiger." I nodded and he left me on my own. I checked the time to make sure I wasn't running late for Yoongi's session, not like it would have mattered. Yoongi was most likely asleep as always but being punctual was just respectful.

I mounted the elevator and rode it to Yoongi's floor like any other morning. I arrived at his door and knocked before entering. Just as I had suspected, he was dead asleep. It was always hard to keep Yoongi awake. I closed the door behind me and turned on his bedside lamp to talk to him. He didn't stir or even move a muscle. I sighed in desperation and called his name, "Yoongi."

I was ignored. I shook him slightly hoping to at least get some type of reaction out of him but not to much avail. After a few more minutes of attempts and fails he finally stirred. "Thank god, I have been trying to wake you for what seems like forever," I told him. He squinted his eyes at the light as if even the artificial light was deadly.

He sat up in bed. "Good Morning, Yoongi." I smiled. He only nodded in a form of greeting but didn't speak. He wasn't one for useless words or greetings. "How are you feeling?"

"Lonely." I frowned at his answer. He usually answered that he was ok and that he never needed anything. Was his medicine no longer strong enough to keep his depression at bay? I decided to further interrogate him on his feelings of loneliness. The pills should help him not feel any of those negative feelings with that strength.

"Why do you feel that way?" "I don't know, I just do." "So, you aren't sure where these feelings came from at all?" He shook his head. He moved his eyes so they were staring straight into my soul. Sometimes I felt like his eyes were trying to tell me a story or trying to say unspoken words to me that he couldn't find in himself to say out loud, but I couldn't always figure it out.

"Can you think of any factors that might be making you feel this way or anything I can do to help you with that feeling?" He nodded and I waited for him to tell me any observations he had. "Got any factors?" He shook his head, "All I do is sleep." I nodded because it was true. All he seemed to do was eat and sleep. "Then are there any ways for me to help?"

"Stay." Even though I was his doctor, my heart swelled at his words. I felt like I was getting so far with Yoongi. He was finally acting like he was talking to a friend or acquaintance and that I wasn't just some random person. "I'll see about making our sessions even longer than they normally are, okay?" He nodded. "Well, if you don't need anything then I'll be on my way and that'll be it for our session today." He stayed silent and I took it as an answer.

"You can lay back down and go to sleep again," I told him. He nodded and laid down. I went to turn his lamp off but he grabbed my hand again like the other time. "Do you need something, Yoongi?"

"Can you stay for 5 more minutes?" I nodded and pulled a chair up next to his bed. He didn't let go of my hand but closed his eyes to sleep. I stayed silent and would leave once he fell asleep. Once I heard his already pretty subtle breathing even out, I gently pried my hand away from his grasp. I switched his lamp off and left his room quietly, closing the heavy door behind me.

I looked over my shoulder one last time before closing it completely. I could have sworn I saw Yoongi smile. I shook it off and began to prepare for Jungkook's session. We weren't going into town today. That was scheduled for tomorrow and I knew he was growing restless in waiting. I rode the elevator up to the twelfth floor and I felt the anxiety that I didn't know subsided, return.

I walked into the room and looked over at it but didn't want to look for too long. I quickly looked away and grabbed Jungkook's items and left. I arrived at Jungkook's room to find him simply just waiting on the bed. "Hi, Y/N." He greeted me immediately. I smiled warmly, "Hi, Jungkook." I handed him his ramen as I sat down on the bed next to him and waited for him to finish his meal in silence.

There was absolutely no sound other than the sound of Jungkook slurping his noodles happily. After a few minutes, he finally finished and we began talking, "So are you excited for tomorrow?" I asked. I could tell how giddy he was. He was acting like a third grader the night before a school field trip. "Yes, I am so excited I can't wait!" Every word of his was oozing with that excitement.

"Good, I'm sure the two of us will have fun." "Is there anything special you want to do that day?"  I listened as he told me of all these cool things he wanted to do. Most of them consisted of playing games at an arcade, going to an amusement park, or eating at a well-rated ramen shop. I was fine with any of these as my childhood didn't really consist of these things.

We were too poor to go out and eat, go out and have fun, etc. It was always my mom and I, on our own. "Well, I'm sure we can split those activities out because as long as you do good, we'll continue to do it every week."

"I'll be on my best behavior." He smiled. "You better be or I'll have to bring you straight back." He nodded not wanting to think about losing his special privilege.

"Y/N, can I know more about you?" He asked after a brief silence. "Why do you want to know more about me all of a sudden?" "Because you seem to know everything about me, and while you are my doctor, I also see you as a friend." I smiled when he said, friend. It was technically really against the rules for you to have any type of relationship with a patient other than the regular patient-doctor one. I didn't mind breaking the rule this one time though.

"Alright, what do you want to know about me?"

"Where are you from?"

"Ah, I'm from Daegu, you don't have to tell me where you're from though." I teased. He rolled his eyes because he knew I had a lot of information on him. "Do you have any siblings?"

"Nope." I said popping the p, "It's just me and my mom."

"What happened to your dad?" Jungkook asked the question carefully. He was looking for any signs of discomfort to see if he needed to retract his question. He saw me slightly hesitate but before he could say anything about it, I cut him off.

"He left us. We were happy when I was first born, but he gambled a lot. He put our family into debt and then straight up left leaving us without money. My mom had to take care of me by herself." He was frowning at me when I turned to look at him. "You don't have to feel sad, Jungkook. I mean, I'm doing what I want to do now. so that's all that matters." I said trying to lighten the mood.

He nodded but I could still see him mulling over the information and regretting having asked the question in the first place. "I think that's enough questions for today, don't you?" Jungkook nodded. I smiled and patted his knee before standing up. "Don't think about it too much Jeon, just know I'm happy now." He finally smiled and nodded.

"Bye, Y/N." I gave him a look and left, closing the door behind me. My lunch break was technically now but I didn't feel that hungry. Today was one of the few days I didn't eat with Dylan and Jisoo due to our different schedules. I decided I'd take a break in my room instead of grabbing lunch. I was going to need all the courage I could get before I could show up in front of Hoseok's room.

I entered the elevator and went up to my room. As soon as I entered I flopped on my bed and sighed. I was already tired from today and I hadn't even dealt with my biggest challenge yet. I bit my lip trying to calm myself. I couldn't tell why I was so nervous about this even if he was dangerous.

I would have protection right outside the door at all times. Plus, I haven't even met him yet, maybe he's different than what the rumors were portraying him as. I heard a knock at my door that startled me out of my thoughts. I pushed myself up and went to answer the door. I opened the door to find Jisoo outside. I moved aside for her to step inside.

"What are you doing here Jisoo?" I asked. "I came to check up on my baby since it's her big day!"

"I'm not getting married, Jisoo."

"I know that, but I could feel your anxiety from a mile away so I came to check up on you." She smiled. We sat down on my bed together and talked. "Are you scared?" She finally asked. "I don't know really. I am but at the same time I feel like I shouldn't be." She grabbed my hand from my lap and squeezed it. "You'll do fine, I know you will."

"I hope so, I still want to save him," I told her. "Knowing you, you will Y/N. You have something special that draws everyone to you and your personality has a calming effect." I smiled at her words. Jisoo was always there for me and always knew how to help me feel better about certain situations. "Are you going to be fine now?" She asked.

I nodded, "Yes, thank you Jisoo." She pulled me into a hug as we walked to the door. "I have to go now, I ditched work to check up on you." She joked. "Jisoo, don't do that!" I warned her. She shrugged her shoulders, "I'll go back now, but if he hurts you, you bet I'll hurt him." I laughed but I could tell she was serious. She waved before walking back down the hallway to the elevators.

I checked the clock, it was about time for me to go back to work as well. It was now or never. I put my shoes back on and locked my door behind me. I hopped in the elevator to the 12th floor. As I watched the numbers get closer and closer to twelve, my anxiety built. I took a deep breath as the elevator doors opened and stepped outside.

I walked down the hall and saw a pair of guards waiting by the door already. I greeted them and scanned my card hearing the door's lock click open. I pulled the handle down and stepped into the bright white room. There he was. Hoseok was sitting on his bed staring at the wall in front of him until his eyes wandered over to mine.

Our eyes locked as the door shut behind me. His eyes were overflowing with emotions. Some I could read like surprise and anxiety, but there was something else that I couldn't read. He wasn't easy to read like Jungkook was. I snapped out of it and push the voice I didn't know got stuck in my throat to speak.

"Hi there Hoseok, my name is Y/N and I'm your new doctor." He stared at me without saying a word. I gulped trying to soothe my dry throat. He stood up from the bed and walked towards me. I could already feel myself cowering in fear as I took small steps back, trying to increase the distance.

Soon there was no distance left and I was against the wall. He got extremely close to me, causing my eyes to squeeze shut. "Hello." I could feel his breath fan out against my face. I slowly opened my eyes to see his face extremely close, but he didn't look angry or as if he might hurt me.

"How are you?" I pressed on with questions. "If I'm in a place like this, how do you think?" He pulled away slightly before he moved away completely and sat back down on the bed. "Did I scare you?" He asked after I didn't answer his last question. "No," I replied timidly.

"You don't have to lie, I can tell. You can leave if you want." I looked into his eyes and after I saw that I saw a new emotion. Sadness. He didn't want me to leave but to him, he thought I would. I finally straightened myself out and pushed away from the wall.

I strode across the room to him and sat next to him on the bed. He looked at me surprised as if no one ever came that close to him on their own will. I grabbed his hands in mine, "I'm not going to leave. I'm not like the others." His lips parted to say something but they didn't. He closed his lips and swallowed down whatever he wanted to say. That was the only thing I was confident in. I wouldn't give up on him like the other doctors. Not after seeing his eyes...

My eyes drunk up his facial features. They were different than the picture. The picture was nothing like the real thing. His slightly tan skin, high cheekbones, and jawline drew you in. His lips were full and his nose was strong. I loved his eyes most of all, they seemed so expressive. I realized I was staring at him and still holding his hands so I blinked and let go of his hands.

"If you wanted to check me out so bad, I wasn't going to stop you." He joked. I felt blood rush to my cheeks. "I wasn't, but anyways, I'll be your new doctor." I tried to move on from his last comment. "Alright, Y/N." My name rolling off his tongue was a different feeling than hearing anyone else say it. This man was doing abnormal things to me.

"If you need anything, then you come to me. No matter what time of day, I will be here to help you." "And how do you expect me to come get you?" He asked sarcastically. I knew he was talking about being stuck in this room. I bit my lip trying to think of a way for him to contact me. "How's this, I come up here right before lunch usually, I'll check in on you when I come up here for supplies." He nodded. He looked like he wanted to make a comment about something, but he kept it in. "What about in the evening?" He asked.

Did he really need me that often? I would do it, but I was questioning his needs. "I'll come around after dinner." He finally seemed satisfied with the answer. "Can I tell you something, Y/N?" I nodded my head right away. "You are very pretty, and I am afraid to break you." I felt flattered by his words but the second half brought back a bit of the anxiety from earlier.

"Thank you, but I'll be okay." I finally answered. He smirked and grabbed one of my hands and held it. "You have this very calming effect on me. I'd even bet that it works better than the pills I'm on." He joked. I gently pulled my hand from his grip, feeling a little uncomfortable.

There was a knock on the door signaling that our time was up. He looked at the door with anger but gave me a tight-lipped smile. "Until next time, Y/N." I nodded and excused myself. I locked his door behind me and thanked the guards.

As soon as I entered the elevator I let the walls break down. Hoseok was different. My heart was racing as I tried to calm it down. I didn't know how I felt about him, but I'd still have to meet him later tonight.

[serpentsong]

it’s okay- sweet pea x reader

Description: severe pregnancy scare with Sweet Pea

Requested

Warnings: teen pregnancy, cursing, mentions of sex, periods

Y/N’s POV:

Here I sat with Toni at Pop’s. We were having lunch and talking about anything and everything when the topic of periods got brought up.

“Ugh, mine just started. Why do girls even have to go through this? It sucks.” Toni groaned out, making me chuckle. Quickly, something clicked in my mind, making my eyes go wide. “Y/N, everything okay?” “Shit, shit, shit.” I mumbled, pulling out my phone and opening it to my app that held the calendar of my periods. At the top, in big blue letters, read, ‘You are 8 days late.’ “What? What is it Y/N?” Instead of speaking, I just handed my phone over to her. “Aren’t you on the pill? Please say yes.” “Yeah, Toni, I am. But you never know. It’s not a 100% thing.” I could feel the anxiety bubbling up. “Okay, well, don’t freak out. Let’s go to the store, I’ll drive you home. And you and Sweet Pea can talk this out and figure it out, okay?” I nodded at her words and we left the diner.

We opted for a store on the North Side, not wanting to be recognized by anyone. Three pregnancy tests were bought and we were heading back to the trailer park. My parents lived on the other side of the South Side, but they were dead beats. So, I stayed with Sweet Pea most nights. We pulled in front of the trailer and I hopped off her bike. “Call him. It’ll be okay. It’ll all work out.” I nodded, “Thank you, Toni. For everything.”

She nodded her head slightly, “That’s what friends are for.” I waved bye to her, unlocking the trailer and stepping inside. I decided to let Sweet Pea have his day doing whatever it was he was doing, and I would talk to him when he got home. I walked to the bedroom and set the little black plastic bag down on the ground by the bed. It was only about 3 pm, but today had already exhausted me. I laid down in bed, closing my eyes and falling asleep almost instantly.

---

Back at the Whyte Wyrm, Sweet Pea played pool against some new recruits, beating them in every round. Toni walked in, looking at him with confusion. “Sweet Pea, what are you doing here? Didn’t Y/N call you?” Sweet Pea was just about to start a new game when he heard his friend, setting the pool stick down. “What do you mean? She hasn’t called me. Is everything okay?” His face was covered in worry. “Everything is fine.There’s something you two need to discuss, so I’d recommend going home. Just...try to be calm? She’s probably scared out of her mind.” Toni tried to express the urgency of the situation without giving too much away. “Thanks, Topaz.” And with that, he left, speeding out of sight and towards his trailer.

When he walked inside, it was silent. It was only 5 pm, he thought, where is she? He walked to the bedroom and a small smile made it’s way to his face when he saw his very own sleeping beauty sprawled out in the middle of the bed. He started to make his way over, when something caught his eye. There, on the floor, an unopened pregnancy test had fallen out of the black bag. He picked it up, trying to make sure he was reading it right. His heart was racing, he didn’t know what to think, or what to do. He was thankful that she was asleep. It gave him time to wrap his head around the possibility that she was pregnant without spooking her. He lowered himself to the ground and sat on the floor, back to the bed, trying to figure it out in his head. He tended to act on impulse, and he knew that. He tried his best to calm himself down before she woke up. He knew she needed him, no matter the outcome. He looked at her sleeping form and closed his eyes, taking deep breaths.

About 15 minutes had passed and he was finally able to calm himself down just in time to hear his girlfriend stirring around in bed. She was waking up.

---

I rolled over, trying to will myself awake. I sat up, my back against the wall as I opened my eyes. I felt the bed dip next to me and I snapped my eyes over, meeting the beautiful dark eyes of the man I loved more than anything. “Hey there, princess. Good nap?” I nodded, turning over to rest my head on his shoulder, draping my arm across his torso. “Mmm, yeah. How was your day, babe?” I mumbled with a smile, revelling in this moment before I have to discuss the heavy weight on my mind. “It was good, just beat the new recruits asses in pool a few times.” I laughed at his response as he draped an arm across my shoulders. “You always do,” came my response. Silence echoed through us and I could feel him take a deep breath, grabbing something next to him. “Princess, you wanna tell me what’s going on?” As he spoke, he showed me the unopened pregnancy test I had yet to take.

My breath caught in my throat and I moved out of his arms, sitting cross legged, facing him. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I looked down, “I’m so scared, Sweets.” He reached across the bed, pulling me into his comforting arms, “Shh, baby, it’s okay.” I buried my face in his neck, gripping his flannel in my hands, “Please don’t hate me.” I muttered out. He wrapped his arms around me, “I could never hate you, baby. We’ll figure this out together, okay? Why don’t you tell me what happened?” I nodded, telling him the story, “Well, Toni and I were having lunch and talking and the topic of periods got brought up. I felt like it had been too long since my last period, so I checked my app. It said I was 8 days late, so Toni took me to the store to get the tests, but I haven’t taken any. I wanted to wait to talk to you first.”

He nodded, looking down at me, still holding me in his arms. “Well, we need to know for sure first. So, whenever you’re ready.” I took a shaky breath and nodded, backing up and swinging my legs off the bed. “I’ll go do it now.” I grabbed the bag with the tests off the floor and walked to the bathroom.

I decided to take all three, just to be sure. The six minutes felt like six hours. I was pacing back and forth in the bedroom, waiting for my timer to go off. Sweet Pea stood up, walking over to me and stopping me, placing one hand on my shoulder and the other on my cheek, “Hey, it’s gonna be fine. If you are, we’ll figure it out. You aren’t alone in this.” He pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead, pulling me into his chest.  I wrapped my arms around his torso, gripping the flannel. We stood like that for a moment before the timer beeped. I shut off the timer and we slowly parted. He took my hand in his, walking with me to the bathroom. We walked in and I could feel my heart racing.

I peeked over. The first test, ‘Negative’. Sweet Pea was reading them as well. Down the line, each one read ‘Negative’.

I’ve never felt more relief in my life as I leaned back into his chest, his arms wrapping around me. “Oh, thank god.” I smiled up at him and he looked down, pushing my hair out of my face. “I definitely want kids with you one day, princess. But I’m glad we get to wait.” I nodded with a big smile, “One day babe,” I spoke, standing on my tiptoes to press a deep kiss to his lips, one hand on his neck and the other pressed to his chest. We pulled back, out of breath.

“I love you babygirl.”

“I love you too Sweets.”

[alyjojo]

Today is the story of how my pregnancies came to be, without the fun stuff. It plays a very large role in why I believe in God tbh.

So my ex. It’s a relevant start. Him and I were together four years, never used protection, dumb as that is. I bring that up at because, for much of that time, I just didn’t have periods. Like at all.

After about a year of waiting and taking pregnancy tests wondering what the hell, I went to the doctor (I hate doctors...back then fear won, a lot) and she gave me pills to force me to have one.

I would have one sporadically after, so I didn’t feel like a mutant, and I’d be like well okay...and didn’t go back to the doctor. But it was every few months.

PCOS seems to run in my family, my cousin has used years of fertility treatments to have children, and though it’s worked it’s been a hell of a struggle for her. I was always kind of afraid I couldn’t have kids.

July 2007, I felt a way that was different, didn’t have a period as usual, took a pregnancy test. This was a regular thing with the lack of periods. Positive. ....what?? Told him, and he lost his fn mind. I can’t describe just how stupid he acted, and I was lost. How I knew later he was a cheating pos. We went to Planned Parenthood to take their test. Negative. Idiot danced to his car, and something in me knew he was an idiot but I just let it go.

We broke up a few days later, he did, of course.

The day after we broke up, midst all my emotions yanno how that goes, I started on my own for the first time in...I couldn’t remember. And it stayed that way, regular, every month, ever since.

Mom said “it’s the guy”, who by that point she was kind of disgusted with too lol. Well. Yeah. It was? Seems so. Angry and blaming and rawr at God like I was and they were like nope sorry...not that one, and I just showed you that 🙏

He continuously plays a role in this story. Idk if he was A soulmate of some sort. I’m definitely one of his life lessons. It’s always been...deeper, even if we don’t even get along. At all.

Ok so hubby. Years later. Ex was long gone, didn’t talk didn’t nada, I lived with my boyfriend 😜 and his parents for a year, working on my car and saving money for a place. Which I did, we moved in August and September 18 (my late gmas bday), I hadn’t had a period and took a test like oh this crap again. Honestly didn’t think I could have kids...never had a scare in the year I’d already been with hubby.

Pregnant. Whaaat? So my EX sends me an email the next fn day. How? I have no idea. I had told hubby...that’s it. I don’t even remember what the email said, how are you or something idk, I avoided it like the plague before being like omg just answer and writing something quickly, send, delete. Never read it again. I’d gotten him out of my brain space tyvm bye. Well in my response was something like lol I’m pregnant. He was the 2nd person to know. And considering he flipped out and left over a baby...karma.

In my later belief system, and seeing my oldest’s chart, she has much Libra/Scorpio influencing her (10th, Saturn/Moon). I felt like initially that positive may have been her, just long enough to get him tf out. The timing of his message blew my mind. Didn’t speak again for like 10 years, baby daughter got the name I had always wanted, and gmas middle to honor her. I still see 9:18 periodically. Love u Gma ❤️

So next baby. After two years in our first apartment, we were bombarded with BEES 🐝 Like this was insane level of bees, you couldn’t leave the house without these threatening mfers chasing you to the car, management was shit, we moved.

Moved into a bigger nicer apartment in a nicer part of town. August again. Had a fun night with some drinks to celebrate the night we moved in...no protection, big fun, hubby joked drunk, there’s #2.

So September 11th...I bought it 😆 But I refused to do it on that day. September 12th...hello baby girl #2.

Years and years pass, we use condoms regularly. Very careful always. Idk how my son came to be and I’ll say it till I die. I went back to work, I had lost a bunch of weight lol, I was not in baby mode at all. I was 100% done. So much that for two months I didn’t even realize. Until my jeans stopped fitting and I was like WTF. Sure enough. Hello baby boy.

I had been playing the sure let’s be friends game 🙄 with some of my ex’s after hubby’s stupid bs. Nothing more trust & believe, hell no. And it just doesn’t work as friends either so idk why we ever tried. Will never get along. The other ones were just drama...was my Saturn return, that was a nightmare. Then we entered his, and that was also a nightmare. That’s as much as I’ll say about that 💯

The last thing I said to that same ex, 10 years later...I’m pregnant 😆 It’s a kind of karma somehow. Goodbye again, the same way it’ll always be. Like God was like I’m sorry, you need a reminder?

My children ❤️

I always blamed my husband for doing it on purpose. Because he was so happy when I was. He’ll always deny it, but the boy came out DADDY’S boy and I just let him take over because...well he wanted to. And for the first time, the baby wanted, demanded, him too. It was actually insanely sweet, still is.

I went to the doctor and said I guess I’m due in February? She’s like try Christmas. I literally threw away the whole doctor and got a new one because I thought she was lying to me 😆

So on Christmas DAY, 6pm, I’m making meatloaf bc I knew a baby would be coming soon and we didn’t want a fridge full of leftovers...water breaks. 7cm dialated by 7pm, they gave me meds to slow down while hubby dropped off the kids at gmas. Little Aries moon was OUT in four hours 🤣 My biggest baby.

Jane...we were again very careful. Condom flew off inside of me completely. Like flew. Idk how tf that happens and it was very uncomfortable to fix btw. We knew, and when it was positive, we knew. We were not in a good place at that time. It was bad.

She was due on my cousins bday, and down to the very signs they would’ve been similar, and my cousin has lost babies...kind of how we had our falling out. She was mad at me for having my boy, but she was petty and rude to me for months, it broke my heart, then her mom my aunt tells me how she and my mother just talk shit about us both, when I trusted her the most, I just...bye. Gtfo ur one of them. Cried.

Well Jane. I lost Jane. I’ll always be sad about it. Cap with Gemini moon (supposed to) ended up being a little lost Leo. Same middle name as my cousin.

It’s here I’ll mention our foster kids. Hubby’s niece by blood, nephew by marriage. They were hard, that situation was hard, the boy is on the spectrum (which I now know means dick all really, he’s incredibly normal despite his horrific early circumstances) and he alone needs a lot of care. And their parents broke up and his dads side wanted them...he’s not ours, how could we claim him first? Our niece fits like a glove, she is ours. His sisters. We felt it was taking away from our kids after awhile, having two more suddenly, with DFS and court and visits and phone calls. We were getting screamed at by the parents for trying to be good people...then my car broke down with this timing chain nightmare, his was totaled (fk u forever)...then came the positive with boy, and we gave the kids to their Dad’s mom. Who is a very nice lady, with money, sister in law be pissed or not. We all felt we just couldn’t do it.

The boy was a Christmas Eve boy. Hilarious and so smart and adorable and sweet, just a lot of work. Our niece, a Leo, born way too early (late Oct due date). Small, tiny, but healthy.

My son is Christmas Day. Hilarious and SO smart and adorable and so sweet...a lot of work. Can not look away for two seconds. Also breaks things. Also punches his sisters. Even looks kinda like our nephew. Its eerie.

I tell my husband we didn’t keep the kids...we had the kids 😞 Because I ended up losing my little Leo, born way too early 😢

These kids are why I believe everything, they’re why I have faith, they’re how I notice the funny little things others wave off as oh it’s coincidence. No, it’s not.

Whether there’s another in the future idk. With Covid it’s not something I want right now. I did have my heart set on 4, once Jane came into the picture.

Maybe someday. Maybe not. Besides #2, which hubby joked about, and she’s a silly sarcastic goose just like her Daddy 😆, it seems God has more say on that then I ever have. With everything.

Take charge types scold me like “you have the power”, and I’m like oh yeah watch this. Try to work or try to do anything, car tires burst or something, some emergency, hubby has some insane project he needs me with them for, a baby appears, or foster kids, something always happens to keep me home. They all need me here. Just how it works in my life.

Someday...who knows? For now, this year, I’m a homeschool teacher ❤️ We’re happy 😊

[aquarianlights]

To any friends who are worried about me, now is the time that you should be. After what happened last night, I am ready to fucking end it. I won't, but jesus fucking christ it is tempting and I will probably be relapsing with cutting. I'm not even going to fucking try to stop myself. I don't fucking care. And I'm going to take as many fucking drugs as my body can possible handle. I am mixing everything I fucking have. I tried to get off the needle. I tried. Most of you don't even know I'm on the needle. But whatever. I don't care about people knowing now either. I was keeping it private coz I'm ashamed af but I do. not. fucking. CARE. anymore. I don't care about anything. My apathy level is beyond any possible percentage you can fucking think of. This supportive, happy go lucky, positive, energetic, spunky, impulsive in the best ways, spontaneous, motivated, helpful, responsible, adulting puppy dog city boy has just turned into a fucking end of the world nihilistic, super cynical, bitter af, negative, angry, angry, ANGRY, apathetic, childish, rebellious, irresponsible, miserable, depressed, hopeless, uncaring about everyone and everything (minus animals; Echo especially), hateful old man who is not going to even fucking try to get better anymore. Because who the fuck cares? Who the fuck cares when you are quite aware that your own mother has tried her hardest to force you to kill yourself? And also secretly wishes to do the same to her husband? Who the fuck cares? And I was worried about relapsing? Fuck it. Life's too short to worry about fucking relapsing. Give me the pills, give me the needle, give me my vape, give me the razor, give me the liquor, throw out the psych meds. . .Fucking kill me. I won't die. I won't even try to die. I'm not going to kill myself. It would be nice if someone could do it for me, but I want to fucking live, despite having the worst goddamn luck and being in the worst goddamn place on this planet with the worst goddamn people on this planet. I'm alive. I hate being alive AT THE MOMENT, but that will fucking pass. Maybe. Who knows. I get T tomorrow. I get my first fucking dose of T. So maybe everything will change. Too bad I'm not going to have a single goddamn person there to support me during the appointment where they teach me how to fucking stab myself with a goddamn needle. Not like that's my biggest fear or anything, right? Fuck you all. I'm logging off. I'm probably not even going to do any schoolwork. Fuck school. Bring on the black-out level inebriation. I have no other way to get to sleep tonight because I'm fucking out of ambien due to an insurance issue. Fuck this. Fuck that. Fuck you. Fuck her. Fuck him. Fuck me. Fuck this fucking life. Fuck this fucking house and this fucking state and this fucking country and ESPECIALLY fuck our orange overlord. And fuck the fact that my soul mate has cut me out of her fucking life, so it seems. If there was ever time where I needed support, it'd be fucking now. If there was ever a time to worry about me, it'd be fucking now, fam. I'm not meaning to scare anyone. I will be fucking fine. I will probably just be bitter and snappy and angry for a while now. I need to get the fuck out of here. I can't live like this. I can't live with my own fucking mother pressuring me to overdose every time she sees me. If you have my kik, kik me. If you have my cell, text me. If you have my snapchat, snap me. If you have my tumblr, send me some messages. If you have my fb, send me some comments on this post or the posts describing what happened last night. Note: I won't respond to a single thing any of you send me, but. . .I will still read them. So. Whatever. Do whatever the hell you want. No one fucking cares. No one has ever cared. Don't fucking lie to me and pretend you do care. Because you don't. No one does and no one ever has and no one ever will. It's every man for himself. Fuck everything. Okay, I'm really logging off for good for a long goddamn while now so. Fucking bye.

[babylon-bitch]

Just Friends ~ It's a Lesson Learnt (Part 36)

A/N this gif is go random but I love it

Harper White is best friends with Luke Hemmings, they always have been. Not only is she friends with the rockstar, but with the rest of 5 Seconds Of Summer, as well as a really nice girl named Erika.

Harper has a few secrets, she can play all the instruments the boys play and many more. It’s a talent she has kept hidden, only very few people know.

What will happen to the six teens, wondering around the world together?

Warnings: language, and smut

***

“Maddie knows. ” I tell Luke after everyone leaves my house.

“What, how?” He questions, furrowing his eyebrows.

“I told her, someone recorded everything we said at the shop and they posted it, Maddie found it and of course listened to it. She confronted me about it and I confessed it all to her, she said that she had a pregnancy scare once.” I explain.

“Was she disappointed or disgusted at us?” He questions.

“No, of course not, it’s Maddie.”

“Okay good,” He sighed and collapsed onto his back on my bed. “So this video, can you tell it was us?”

“Pretty much, but it hasn’t gotten much attention.”

Luke nods his head and rubs his face, letting out a groan after.

“If you were pregnant per say, what are you gonna do?” He questions.

“I can’t keep it, I’m eighteen, my life has barely started yet.”

“So let’s say you are pregnant, what method are you gonna uhm, do?” He asks.

“I don’t have a fucking clue, I hardly know what goes into it, I’d have to learn some information and then decide. I know that the pill procedure is quite messy.”

“I’m gonna be with you throughout the whole thing.” He smiles and kisses my hand.

“Well it’s your child.”

Luke pulls me into his chest, one hand playing with my hair, the other going up and down from the top of my jeans to the part where my shirt has ridden up on my hip..

“Remember when we weren’t together? That seems like a life time ago.” He muses.

“I’m surprised it took us that long to actually get together. We’ve gone through a lot though.” I say.

“When we took a break, that really scared me, if we had to take a break that early into our relationship, how far would we ever get?”

“I think that shaped not just us but our relationship. It brought us even closer, if that is possible. I don’t regret it though, I don’t like you to see me like that, although you were on tour and all, you would’ve talked to me and stuff. I know shit got thrown at me when I came back, but it was best for everyone around me. I know some people didn’t understand that at the uhm time, but it was good for me and you guys.”

“When you went off and had a Harper moment, I had a gut feeling that you’d be okay, but with my ‘big brother’ instincts, I freaked the fuck out.”

“Oooh, incest.” I laugh.

“Shut up, you know what I mean.” He giggles.

Luke has been like my third big brother, although I’m older than him. Luke’s always been protective of me, ever since we were children.

***

It’s the next day and we are on our way to the hospital. I’m nervous as fuck, clutching onto Luke’s hand for dear life, I just don’t get how he can be so calm about this, I guess one of has to.

We pay the taxi and hop out, making our way into the hospital, being hit with the smell of coffee and cleanliness, almost making me want to gag. “I’ll go to the receptionist desk. ” I inform Luke and he nods whilst sitting down.

I adjust my bag on my shoulder and clutch onto it by my thigh. I take a big breath and walk over. “Hello, I have an appointment at 1:15.”

She nods her head and clicks some stuff on her computer. “Dr. Carter will be ready for you in 5 or 10 minutes, your name will flash up on there.” She points to the small long screen above her.

“Okay, thank you.” I smile and walk back to Luke.

Placing my bag by my feet before taking a seat next to Luke. “We’ve got to wait 5 or 10 minutes till my name pops up on that screen.” I explain.

“Okay.” He nods.

We sit in silence for a bit before two little girls come up to us. “Hello?” I question with a small smile.

“You looked sad so we came to cheer you up.” The oldest one smiles.

The oldest one seems 4 maybe 5 and the little one is about 2, still having a dummy in her mouth. “That’s a very nice thing to do.” Luke smiles at them.

“Why are you sad?” The oldest one asks as the younger one clings onto my legs.

“We have some grown up stuff going on.” I tell them.

“My names Lizzie and this is Abby.” Lizzie says.

“And how old are you guys?” Luke asks.

“I’m 4 and she just turned 2, she can’t walk properly yet so she leans on stuff.” She grins.

Abby let’s out a whine and makes grabby hands, I take that as an indication she wants to come up, so I lift her up and onto the the seat next to me.

“Where are your parents?” Luke questions.

“Mummy has gone to the toilet and my daddy is at home.” Lizzie answers and clings onto Luke and he plays with her hair, a small smile on his lips.

Abby leans herself on my arm and plays with my fingers and rings.

“Why are you here?” I ask.

“I’ve got an ear something.” Lizzie pouts.

“Infection?” Luke chuckle.

“Yes!” She nods her head.

“Abby, Lizzie, come on.” A late 20s lady says as she walks up to us. “I’m so sorry, they do this a lot.”

“It’s fine, they were really cute.” I smile. “We’re actually here to see if I’m pregnant.”

“Really?” She questions.

“Yeah, it’s obviously not on purpose, I’m only 18 and he’s 17.” I explain.

“Do you want to be pregnant?” She asks.

“Maybe in a couple of years down the line, but our lives have barely started yet. We’re still in high school.” I explain.

“How old were you when you had your first child?” Luke asks.

“24, she wasn’t exactly planned, but we were at a stable point in our lives that we were able to raise a child.”

“We probably won’t keep him/her, Luke’s off around the world a lot, we simply just don’t have time for a child right now.” I say.

“That’s totally understandable, if you’re not ready, you’re not ready.” She shrugs.

“We should probably make our way towards the doctor, my name just flashed up.” I tell her. “It was nice talk in to you guys.”

“You too, good luck.” She grins.

“Thank you, bye.” Luke waves and we stand up hand in hand, and make our way to Dr. Carter.

“Harper White?” He questions as we walk in.

“Yes.” I nod and we sit down.

“So you think you’re pregnant?” He questions.

“I took a test, the first one came out positive and then the second one came out negative.” I explain.

“If you get different results from pregnancy tests, it’s a sign that it’s too early, and a blood test is usually the best way to get an accurate answer.” He explains. “When did the conceiving take place?”

“Couple weeks ago, it was unprotected.” I tell him.

“Okay, I think I’ll have to take a blood test. This will determine your chances with a simple yes or no answer. So could you put your arm out please.” He requests.

I nod and pull my sleeve up, revealing my forearm, he picks up a needle and he puts on a pair of gloves. I’ve never really been scared of needles, I can’t say I enjoy them, but I’m not one to put up a fight against them.

Feeling Luke’s hand on my back as Dr Carter brings the needle towards my arm,  inserting it into a vain, and drawing a small amount of blood out. It’s all over in seconds, and before I know it he’s putting on a little plaster where the needle was.

“You guys are planning on having an abortion, I’m assuming?”

“We can’t keep the possible baby, there’s no way we could, we don’t have the time, Luke’s off around the world, I’m going to school soon in another country and we won’t be together. We’re too young, it’s our only choice, really.” I sigh and I feel Luke’s hand trace soothing shapes on my back.

“What are the options for abortion?” Luke asks.

“There’s in-clinic abortion or abortion pill. Suction abortion (also called vacuum aspiration) is the most common type of in-clinic abortion. It uses gentle suction to empty your uterus. It’s usually used until about 14-16 weeks after your last period. Dilation and Evacuation (D&E) is another kind of in-clinic abortion procedure. It uses suction and medical tools to empty your uterus. You can get a D&E later in a pregnancy than aspiration abortion – usually if it has been 16 weeks or longer since your last period.”

“Abortion pill is the popular name for using two different medicines to end a pregnancy: mifepristone and misoprostol. You will be given the first pill, mifepristone, at the clinic. Pregnancy needs a hormone called progesterone to grow normally. Mifepristone blocks your body’s own progesterone. You’ll also get some antibiotics. You take the second medicine, misoprostol, 24-48 hours later, usually at home. This medicine causes cramping and bleeding to empty the uterus. It’s kind of like having a really heavy, crampy period, and the process is very similar to an early miscarriage.”

We both nod and try to take this new information in.

“How long will it take to get the results?” Luke asks

“The blood test takes an average of 3-48 hours to be tested and results to be available. I advise that you come back tomorrow for your results, would you like to schedule an appointment?” He asks.

“Yeah, what time are you available? You are free tomorrow right, Luke?” I ask.

“I won’t be available tomorrow morning, I’m doing some stuff with the boys, but I’m free in the afternoon.” Luke answers.

“Okay, so how about 3:30 tomorrow afternoon?” He offers. “It won’t take long at all, I’ll give you the results then we’’ll discuss what your gonna do; I’m assuming you’re not keeping the possible baby.”

“3:30 is fine with us.” Luke adds.

“Okay then, I guess that brings us to a close for today’s appointment. Unless you have any questions?”

“I don’t think so.” I shake my head.

“No, thanks for our time and help.” Luke gives Dr Carter a smile, and stands up.

“No problem, just doing my job.” He shakes Luke hand.

“We’ll see you tomorrow.” I smile and shake his hand as well.

He gives us one final wave and Luke places a hand on the small of my back, guiding me out of the room.

“Oh my God.” I groan once the door closes.

“It’s gonna be alright, just another experience.”

“Yeah, an experience that I’ve experienced far too early on in life.” I exclaim.

“Come here.” He gestures and I wrap my arms around his slender waist, nuzzling my face into his chest, he wraps an arm round my shoulders and the other round my waist.

“This may not be your/our proudest moment, but it’s just a lesson learnt.” He says into my hair.

***

It’s been a while, the blood test results came back, and it turned out I was pregnant. As soon as I came out the hospital, I broke down crying, thinking my life was over. I was a mess for the next couple of days, I felt kinda bad for Luke because he had to deal with my Niagara Falls ass.

I had my abortion, I went for the in-clinic procedure. Luke has supported me throughout the whole thing, and I couldn’t be any more greatful for him.

It was quite nerve-wracking to go through. My parents found out about it all, surprisingly they weren’t angry, disappointed, or ashamed, in fact they were quite supportive of me. Apparently my mum’s old friend got pregnant at a young age, told her parents about it and they didn’t talk for ages, then she promised herself that if she ever had a daughter that got pregnant at a young age, she would be as supportive as she could be.

I’ve been very lucky to be honest. That video that got out never really got around, only a few retweets and stuff, but people thought it was fake. Life is going really well at the moment, I’ve gotten stronger from this all. It’s been an experience to say the least.

Luke and I are currently hanging out at his place. “Do you wanna cuddle?” He asks.

“No, I know what cuddling means.” I say.

“Not always.” He tells me and nuzzles his nose into my neck.

I play with his hair and go on my phone. Luke starts to trail kisses down my neck, sucking on my collarbone, biting my lip to suppress a whimper.

Disconnecting myself from him and straddle his waist, I connect our lips together. Luke’s hands instantly go to my waist and I hold his neck. Luke licks my bottom lip, asking for entrance, I gladly let him in and part my lips and Luke lets out a groan as I pull his hair.

Luke and I haven’t really had couple time recently, yeah, we got pregnant but we were both so caught up in it all, it was only a hello kiss or a kiss goodbye sometimes a forehead kiss to calm my nerves.

Luke rolls us over so he takes dominance and hovers over me, slowly lowering himself down and grinds his hips into mine, I let out a small moan at the sensation. Luke dives down to my neck and starts kissing and sucking on it, making me whimper. Tilting my head back to give him more access, he makes his way up my neck, using his lips and whispers, “pretty, pretty girl.”

He sucks on my exposed cleavage whilst trailing his hand up my shirt, leaving a trail of goosebumps in his touch. Luke takes my top off and his eyes light up, a smirk present on his face. He trails kisses down my stomach whilst gripping tightly on the bottom of my waist. He finally reaches my jeans and starts unbuttoning them.

“Wait,” I blurt out and Luke looks up at me, confused.

“What?” He questions.

“I’m not sure if I’m ready to do this again.” I confess.

Luke sighs and crawls back up. “C'mon Harps, it’s been ages since we’ve done anything sexual together. I’m not forcing you to do anything you don’t want to do, I’d never do that to you.”

“I just don’t think I’m ready to do it yet.” I say.

“We don’t even have to have ‘normal sex’ we could just do oral or something.” He reasons.

“Fine, but please take things slow.” I tell him

“Okay, I’ll be gentle.” He smiles and gives me a kiss.

Luke carries on unbuttoning my jeans and pulls them off. He rubs me through my panties, causing me to bite my lip. His hand teasingly slowly slides into my panties, running his fingers through my folds, collecting the wetness that has already formed. Luke pulls my underwear down and dives straight in, his lips replacing his hands as he licks my folds, working his way up to my clit.

Luke inserts a finger in, causing me to squirm underneath him. He sucks on my clit as if it going out of fashion. Soon enough he enters another digit in and strerches me out, making me let out a moan. Luke’s fingers curl upwards, stroking my g-spot, making me a moaning mess.

His hands and mouth switch jobs so now that he is tongue fucking me as well as rubbing my clit.

Not sure if Luke knows the phrase take things slow.

I feel my climax begin to approach me and I grab onto Luke’s hair and moan out his name. “So close.” I breathe.

Luke slowly goes ground my clit with his fingers, making me huff out in annoyance. He stops the teasing and rubs my clit vigorously and licks the hell out of me, causing my orgasm to rush over me. I throw my head back in pleasure, lost in reality. Luke continues to pump though my orgasm before licking the bits he missed. “Best fucking pussy ever.” He whispers.

***

“Harper have you ever had Preggo pasta sauce?” Erika asks.

“Yeah, I’ve had it a lot in the UK, why?” I ask confused but have got an idea with where she is going with this.

“Erika.” Maddie warns.

“What?” She giggles as she asks.

“You know what, leave it now.” Maddie sighs.

“I’m just gonna come out with it because it’s been killing me not to know.” She excitedly says. “Are you pregnant?”

My eyes widen and Luke and I tense up, I raise an eyebrow and stare at the ground.

“Erika what the fuck did I just say.” Maddie huffs.

“Shut up, I need an answer.”

“Um,” I start off and look up at Luke, who is glaring at Erika annoyed. He looks down at me and shrugs.

“We were pregnant y-yes, that’s all in the past, can we move on from this now?” Luke takes over.

Everyone’s eyes widen, even Maddie’s.

“What? When?” Calum questions.

“A couple of weeks ago, we found out I was pregnant, obviously we couldn’t keep it, so we got an abortion.” I sigh.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Michael asks.

“It was more between Luke and I, I told Maddie about it.” I quietly say.

“What? Why didn’t you tell me?” Erika asks Maddie.

“It’s clearly something between Luke and Harper so I just left it and gave them my advice.” Maddie shrugs.

“What advice could you have?” Ashton questions with a tiny chuckle.

“I had a pregnancy scare before, I’ve only been with a guy once and my period was late, turns out I wasn’t pregnant, spoiler.” She confesses.

“I thought you were still a man virgin.” Calum says.

“It was enough to scare me away from the whole gender.” She laughs.

“I would’ve offered to have a threesome with you guys.” Michael smirks.

“Michael!” Erika hits his arm.

“When ever you’re ready, babe.” He winks at her.

And just like that, our pregnancy is forgotten. We all do that a lot. Not get pregnant, but ignore situations and just fuck around.

“Has anyone ever had a threesome or more here?” Ashton question.

“I’ve had a twosome.” Calum laughs at his own joke.

“Hilarious Calum.” Luke claps his hands.

“At least I didn’t get my girlfriend pregnant.” Calum takes a shot and I burst out laughing.

“That was a cheap shot.” Luke exclaims.

“It was a good shot.” Maddie laughs.

“Rude.” He mutters.

“No, I’ve never done anything more than just myself and another girl.” Michael admits.

“I’ve never done anything more than just myself.” Ashton says.

“Because you can never get girls.” I tell him.

“I am very talented with girls thank you very much, Harper.”

“Really? When was the last time you had a girlfriend?” I question.

“Like a year ago, but that doesn’t matter, I’ve hooked up with a few girls since then, I use my charm.”

“Whats your charm?” I furrow my eyebrows.

“My big dick.” He says and we all laugh.

“Thats disgusting.” Erika grimaced.

[ascendingdevillived456-blog]

Am I pessimistic or just real?

Most of the time I feel like I'm accidentally surviving my own life. Not to sound like I'm bitching, but I don't have any idea why I'm alive. I've been trying to keep my life simple, but found out that is a very complicated and arduous task. I, physically, am 30some years old, and deeply know my spirit or soul or life force or whatever you want to label it as is old as fuck. I'm a little odd, I've been told, but when you realize early in life that nobody anywhere knows what in the bluest bowels of Hell they are doing, you start making decisions that TRULY matter on a high, VERY HIGH, level of deep understanding. Not to sound like a preachy zealous god-freak, but preeeeetty fucking sure we live in and on the garden of eden as mentioned in that book written 2000ish years ago. You know the one, oh... it has that bearded guy in the middle east who was the Christian God's son, but was a Jewish king, a rabbi, a carpenter, and who led a gang of misfit trouble making hooligans that wanted to make life better for everyone and ended up dead and martyred for it and is currently the nearly-nude mascot for countless kitchens and bedrooms in thousands of American homes. Jesus, what is that guy's name.... anyways... that book. I'm not great with names, nor hiding sarcastic remarks or, OR blatant disregard for that which really does not matter.... uh, uh, uh, oh well. Back on topic now. Ready? On this "bestowed paradise" of Ours, there are a few shitty things that I just WILL NOT turn a blind eye to. I got this list, you see, that has the WORST possible inventions on it that the world could have done without. Number 1 is people... People are needy, greedy, dumb, panicky, self-centered, talking alien-ape hybrids that ruin and destroy almost every thing they put their grubby little peter-beaters on. We kill for thrill and pleasure alone or in packs and have this problem understanding what compassion and sharing equally are. I did two years of kindergarten, consecutively I will add, I know you are supposed to share and be nice or something like, oh I don't know, your behavior is checked, and you learn to play with others. And now number 2 (insert low-brow sophomoric butt-mud poop-shit-fart he he he coment here. I did, but think up your own.) my list. Borders. "We look different in skin color or you talk funny, uh oh, I no longer have trust other human being, stay away from my personal comfort zone. We'll be fair though and draw a line in the dirt in case you get the same vibe from me. Ok?" "Ok, good idea. Me and my family will kill you otherwise maybe, yeah, no, yeah. Stay away. Good job." Are you shitting literally me out of your dumb asses? Where is the logic and practicality in that. We let famine happen daily because, what? Noone knows what to do? Help your fucking human brothers and sisters, and the little ones if your heart has room, you apathy ridden bag of severed dicks. This is everyone's home right now, teach people who have no knowledge. There is no such thing as unteachable. Read between the lines here guys and dolls. Break time. Let me tell you that I'm not being a rude loud obnoxious Internet troll here, some of my rants and tangent ramblings have a twisted sense of humor and are meant to make you take a minute and chuckle at its finest absurdities. Oh my, but we can also be multitasking manimals and take some inventory of ourselves and the other manimals in our lives and have conversations with each other like we're meant to. Anyone over 27 will remember a time before everyone had a fucking idiot screen in their face at all times. (Heh, jokes to come.) What separated us from beasts is our ability to develope and utilize language. To any younger folks reading this: we used to sit at the same parties you all do now, and used our minds and speaking abilities to have a blast. I'm talking some wicked-awesome fucking ideas and fun times were had before the wedding of man and technology. Put the phone down, and step away from the screens. Please. Number thwee, sorry had, food in my...nevermind. money is next on my little list of things I see as wrong. If a person has a lot of money, they generally have a lot of stuff to make sure they're happy beyond worry. On the other end of the spectrum you have... anybody? Class! goddamn kids pay a-fucking-tention! You have a person with little to no money. I will spell this out for you and you know who: that person can't be happy beyond worry because, huh? Some people have been going ape shit on their own happy. Hmmm. Opposite of happy? Right, thanks Julien, smart guy you are, UNhappy. I hope I just made a Julien's mind blow apart. Lol. Now, monetary wealth is referred to as worth. If you gots like soooooo much worth like it's bananas and stuff, then your like totally worthwhile or worthy. Julien, let someone else try now, get your tongue out of my ass you brown-noser. If you ever want to be heart broken ask the poor kid at an elementary school how he feels after the first recess after Christmas break. I bet the word worthless crosses both your minds and you purse your lips and them real big empathy tears well up in your eyes. That kid is programed to think money and worth are the same thing, and will do what he or she can to make sure they ALWAYS HAVE money when they grow up otherwise everyone else will know they are worthless. Made myself cry a little bit there. Guns guns guns are 4 on this list which may make you laugh or at best pissed. In case you missed I'd be remissed if I didn't say you need to come up with your own rhymes and eloquence. Guns though are made for one thing; ending lives. Plain and simple, keep reading you left wingers and right wingers both. The eagle that is the U.S. of A needs you both to work together in order to soar. I have really upset myself with saying that, but it's out there now, ain't it? I feel everyone should have gun training and own a minimum of three guns open carry on a daily basis (we've already got them and they've seemed to dug their heels in so we might as well adapt with the fucking things.) A semi-auto rifle for hunting food, a shotgun for food/eminent defenses, and a pistol for protection of family and home. Common knowledge for everyone should be stated from an early age: IF YOU DRAW A FIREARM ON A FELLOW HUMAN BEING, BE SURE THAT YOU CAN MAKE THE CONCESSION THAT YOUR LIFE HOLDS MORE VALUE THAN THEIR'S THEIR POSSIBLE DEPENDENTS. DO NOT SHOOT TO MAIM. IF YOU DRAW, SHOOT, AND SHOOT TO KILL. REMEMBER THAT THEY ARE AWARE OF THIS TOO, AND IF YOU KILL THEM. YOU MUST LIVE WITH THE MEMORY OF YOU NEEDLESSLY TAKING A HUMAN LIFE BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT YOUR LIFE IS MORE IMPORTANT THEN THEIR'S. guns huh? 5. Prescription drugs. Pharmaceutical companies are not your friends. Especially in the world of psychological medication and pain management. I take aspirin on occasion, in my younger days I was always told I "needed something to help me." Help me do what? From the age of 11 until I was into my mid twenties I've been on damn near everything besides Haledol and Geodon. Thanks for being good dealers...I mean doctors and pharmacists. If you want to ask my diagnosis I will share, but let me say that I haven't taken nor would I recommend any person to give a child DRUGS. They are not safe because they are prescribed. Ritalin is molecularly identical to cocaine. No bullshit. They are training kids to be druggies later in life and parents and insurance companies pay for it. Act now and for $799.00 a month you won't k ow who you are, have bleeding of the teeth, lazy finger syndrome, backward stools, brain bleeding episodes, coma and death, but wait there's more. If that pill doesn't work simply tell us and we will give you some other stuff that will make sure your little boy grows tits like a woman and may have a compulsive gambling and or masturbatory addiction with possible suicidal ideation. At least he'll do better on his homework. Fast forward to early adulthood... "oh mummsy? Daddykins? Whatever do you mean I'm no longer on your insurance plans? I simply must have all these pills to be completely the best I can be." "Gee you can just acquisition the local the scumbags who clandestinely make and distribute the bad version of the same drug you've been on for your whole life, my golden child." And don't forget the ssri's. Google this shit kids: ssri's long-term effects on the mind and body. And finally number 6. Social networking. I've never had a Facebook, MySpace, twitter, or anything else. This site I found accidentally while bored and this is my first time posting anything anywhere. The negatively charged part of social media is shit like; omg I 8 a waffle cone with chokl8 chip cookie dough ice cream scoops. Kill yourself you fat cow. Oh boo hoo sad face.... So long cruelty of this place, I have been wearing my life inappropriately I've been informed. Good bye 14 years. Wrapping up at this point as I've said enough for now. I'll be that eccentric and hilariously unfiltered buddy of you get my styles here. Just need to vent sometimes. Help me with Tumblr if you're interested in that... I guess. Looking forward to seeing responses. It should be noted that I have the utmost respect for any religion but abhor the use of faith as a means to control and not gain a better relationship with divinity. I'm not a doctor or political ass hat. I'm a song writing free-spirited music loving real deal motherfucker. "And I didn't even graduate FROM fucking highschool." I.Q. is up a bit above above average. No, that is not a typo.

[adabellatovey1990]

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Can U Get Pregnant From Premature Ejaculation

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