#just for the undiagnosed bpd thing (I’m him and I have bpd)

[auggieorlov]

Do I have to make an art tag now

Also. Please don’t mind that Bill Cypher is here. He was a filler in the first page (images 1 and 2) and that caused the second page (Images 3 and 4)

This shit is embarrassing so art in undercut (also CF bad ending referenced in a joke on the third and kinda fourth image)

[kippyzzworld]

Tao Xu from heartstopper has undiagnosed bpd here’s why: (from someone that has undiagnosed bpd and has a therapist that agrees but can’t diagnose me since i’m underage)

(events may not be in complete order sorry)

from the show:

First i believe that for a while charlie is his favorite person, then he’s able to detach from charlie and slowly gets more and more attached to Elle after the scene where she wipes the facepaint off his face in the art room. then she becomes his favorite person

Elle describes meeting charlie and Tao came along as a “package deal” hinting that Tao’s likely been attached to him for awhile

Hates change, can’t deal with it

The scene where he finds out from Elle that Nick and charlie are together and charlie himself hasn’t told him yet, he seemed to have a moment that he split, seeing as how he just got up angry and left Elle

The next scene he’s messaging charlie and charlie tells him “be right there, i told nick id get lunch with him” and tao says “don’t bother, we’re barely friends anymore” and is shown to slam his phone down angrily is also another moment of him splitting (quotes paraphrased but i tried to get them as close as possible)

the scenes following of him ignoring charlie are definitely him still in the split mindset

Tao having the heart-to-heart about charlie to nick before the sports day saying stuff that seems overprotective and a bit rude in a sense that he’s in a way telling nick he makes charlie feel like crap can be seen as him upset over his fp having someone else

Also in the beginning when charlie ditched their plans he seemed so angry and heartbroken and abandoned, he took it the hardest out of the group

When him and Elle watch nick say yes to imogens date and tao tells charlie at his birthday i also saw that as a moment of protecting his fp

Literally fighting Harry over him, it’s not solid evidence but in my heart it is

He seemed so so jealous of Nick for a while

He makes Elle promise they’ll always put their friendship first before anything and no matter what happens, fear of abandonment

that’s all i can think show wise i haven’t watched the full thing in a while, my mom and i restarted it like we always do when we dye my hair but didn’t finish it so i was just jotting all this down whole we were watching

if you have anything else to add PLS DO!!! okay ty love u bye

[frvnkcastles]

MELODY OF TEARS ➵ F. CASTLE

Summary: After an argument, you’re left wondering if this is it.

Warnings: Feminine nicknames used, fear of abandonment, hurt/comfort, self-loathing

Word count: 1.2k

Author’s note: I have undiagnosed BPD in addition to CPTSD and other things and one of the biggest struggles for me is the immense fear of abandonment,, so naturally I just had to write about it. Much love to anyone who relates <3

You could have sworn you could feel your heart hammering in your chest so loud and violent that it was bound to burst through at any given moment. Quick, rapid breaths were filling your ears and bitter tears burned behind your eyes as you laid down in bed, tugging the covers over your shoulders and clinging onto the soft material for dear life. Your mouth turned downwards involuntarily and you put all your energy into fighting off the loud sob building within you.

Not that anyone would have heard you, anyway. You were home alone and somehow that was exactly what made it all the worse for you. Frank had left more than a few hours ago, and the whole time you had spent balancing the fine line between a breakdown and handling the situation like a grown-up. God, how pathetic could you be?

Still, as much as you wanted to, you couldn’t stop thinking about the argument the two of you had had. By now, it hardly mattered what it had even been about — fuck, you could barely remember. All that stayed with you was the slam of the door as he had left and the vicious loop of his words before he did.

Whatever. I’m sick of talkin’ ’bout this. I’m goin’.

When would he be back? Would the fight just resume where it had left off? You couldn’t stop asking yourself questions that only deepened the pit in your stomach and forced more tears to roll down your cheeks as you hugged yourself, back turned to his empty side of the bed.

You just wanted him back home, so you could apologize, grovel if that’s what it took. If him only going out carved a hole like this into you, then him leaving for good would shatter you irreversibly.

When the sound of a key finally turning in your lock broke the silence you had consistently disrupted with your cries, you hastily wiped your eyes and sat up on the mattress. You were torn between rushing to Frank as soon as he’d step across the threshold and staying right where you were, leaving you frozen on the bed, shaky hands holding up the covers to your chest as you watched the front door open.

Frank’s eyes quickly darted to the open bedroom where you waited, and in an ashamed duck of his head, he glanced at his boots before kicking them off and then heading right for you. There was something undoubtedly daunting about him confronting you, and in an effort to not seem as fragile as you felt, you frantically wiped at your cheeks to get rid of the tears.

”Hey”, he whispered, leaning against the doorway, his hands fiddling with one another as he sighed in defeat. ”Shit, don’t cry, sweetheart”, he sounded broken, too, and somehow that made the weight on your heart heavier.

”I’m sorry”, you managed, and at that, he pushed himself off of the wall and approached the bed, keeping his distance but you couldn’t figure if it was because he wanted to, or because he thought you wanted him to.

”You don’t gotta apologize”, he began, the rumble of his voice filling the entire room. ”I was an asshole, yeah? I ain’t gonna be like that again. I swear, aight?” Frank went on, and at his promise, you burst into renewed tears, lifting your trembling hands to your face.

”Baby, talk to me”, Frank reacted immediately, his eyebrows knitted together as he reached for your knee, ”hey, can I touch you? That okay?”

When you gave him a weak nod, he inched closer and softly took your hands from your face and cradled them in his own hold, giving your knuckles gentle kisses. ”Tell me. What’s goin’ on in that head, sweetheart?” he muttered, trying his very best to keep the lines of communication open.

You hesitated. You knew exactly what you wanted to tell him but you couldn’t help but fear that speaking the words out loud would make them come true. You felt the vice grip of embarrassment and guilt and yet, you couldn’t stop the poisonous emotions from consuming you from the inside out.

”I don’t want you to leave, Frank”, you exhaled, calming yourself down enough to speak but your sniffles and hiccups still continued to twist the knife in his chest. ”I’m scared I fucked up beyond repair and you’re gonna leave me”, you finally got it out of your system, your eyes laser-focused on Frank’s hands tenderly holding yours, refusing to meet his eye.

”Darlin’…”, he was at a loss for words. ”Hey, it was just some bullshit argument, ’s all. I ain’t leavin’ you, you hear me?” he reassured, letting go of one of your hands so he could dip your chin up and meet your wary gaze. ”I’d be real stupid to leave for somethin’ like that. ’M right here, I promise.”

Guilt bloomed in his chest — God, you must have been panicking the whole time he had been gone. He had thought removing himself from the situation had been the best course of action, but now…

”I wouldn’t blame you, though”, you whispered, and shushing softly, Frank shook his head.

”Nah, sweetheart. C’mere”, he interjected, pulling you into a tight hug. ”You mean everythin’ to me. One fight ain’t gonna scare me away”, he continued before pressing a kiss on the top of your head and drawing soothing circles against your back with the palm of his hand.

Squeezing your eyes shut, you clung onto him and held as tightly as you could, almost as if to make sure he was real and wouldn’t slip from your embrace. ”I don’t think i deserve you”, you chuckled faintly, and repeating the sound, Frank pulled back just so he could rest his forehead against yours.

”’S me that doesn’t deserve you. How do you put up with me, huh?” he wondered teasingly, and with a weak laugh, you dropped your head against his chest and let him wrap you in another comforting hug.

Your heart slowed down to normal in his embrace, and the panic that had been suffocating you relented. You didn’t feel like you were going to die anymore — having his reassurance and presence tethered you back into what you now knew was true.

”Sometimes… if I don’t have something to remind me that you love me, I guess I kind of doubt if you do. It’s like I can’t imagine good times when I’m stuck in a bad one”, you confessed, quiet and reluctant to share something so vulnerable, but his hold on you never loosened.

Instead, Frank nodded. ”I’preciate you tellin’ me, sweet girl. And I promise I’m not walkin’ out on ya again. We’ll talk things through and I… I love you, no matter what, aight?” he murmured, gentle and patient with you as he rested his jaw atop your head.

That was enough for you. Truthfully, it was more than your anxieties had led you to expect. But time and time again, Frank had confirmed himself to be far more than he gave himself credit for. He was no monster — he was your anchor and for that, you couldn’t have been more grateful.

”I love you, too, Frankie.”

[kryssadaugereau-swritingnook]

Spoilers up ahead!

Hi! I just wanted to respond to Booknerdqueen's comment on chapter 29.

I’m just responding on Tumblr because the response is going to have a few spoilers. I wanted to make it so that people on Kindle Vella could read and interact with the comment section without being spoiled, and if they didn’t mind then they could come here.

I'm going to put her comment here so that you can refer back to it:

"Ren is a walking contradiction. First he tells Octavia that she’s not that special, then he tells her that he doesn’t want just any girl to be his puppy but that he wants her to be. Then he says he thought she was an innocent girl which makes me believe he noticed Octavia well before senior year. Ren, make a move and cut the shyt or leave Octavia alone. But first your ass needs to go and slap the shyt out of Hannah and her stupid crew. Or at least push her into a wall or trip her so she can break her nose. Came back to add: However, with all his whiplash and damn bullying he has a point. He never threw her under the bus or betrayed her. He went along with the lies so she didn’t look like a liar. He could’ve let her look stupid but he didn’t. So in a sense he is the only one that she can trust at that school aside from her brother."

Last warning! If you press keep reading, you will see my response and get a little spoiled.

Ren is definitely a walking contraction but it's because he has BDP or Borderline Personality Disorder (undiagnosed and untreated of course because his family is too proud to admit that something is seriously wrong with all of them). He goes back and forth between intense infatuation and disinterest because he feels like Octavia is going to be just like everyone else that he has negatively interacted with in his life. He definitely likes her, but for him, it’s not so simple. He’s waiting for her to disappoint, betray, and hurt him which is part of the reason why he tries to push her (and his own feelings) away but fails every time.

He does think she’s special. Part of having a relationship while living with BPD is that sometimes you may have an idealized idea of someone in your head that doesn’t match up with reality. When Ren sees certain things (like when he thought she was sleeping with Jaden, flirting with other boys, and having sexual fantasies) it ruins the idea of Octavia that he has built up in his head and causes him to react aggressively.

It’s hard to even admit to himself that he likes her which is why in chapter 29 he says “I don’t want just any other girl” and then immediately follows it up with something along the lines of ‘because you’re the only crybaby here… You’re the only one who will give me the reaction I want’.

Also! While I did play with the idea of Ren liking Octavia before senior year. He may have seen her around school before senior year but he never really gave her a second glance until she ran into him. To be honest, Ren has dacryphilia. Dacryphilia is when you are turned on by tears or seeing/making someone cry. When Ren first encounters Octavia, she is crying because of her interaction with Teagan and her crew. Octavia’s tears remind him of the tears of another woman in his life. Because of experiencing a certain traumatic experience at such a young age (we’ll find out later), he thinks that the prettiest woman he has ever seen is one with tears in her eyes. When he sees Octavia, she reminds him of that experience and it automatically does something for him, both sexually and emotionally, which is why he pursues her so relentlessly afterward. Mika also knows this which is why she gave Octavia that weird look when she saw that Octavia was about to cry after Julie and her confronted Octavia in the hallway.

Ren saying that Octavia was nothing special in chapter 29 was just him trying to downplay her fantasies that had been exposed. Ren has a fear of rejection and abandonment and when Octavia acted so coldly to him, it made him scared so he tried to reassure her that Teagan’s words had meant nothing (even if they really did) just so that Octavia wouldn’t abandon him.

I hope this helped while also getting you a little bit more interested about Ren <3

[hoshibait]

i'd love to hear those drake headcanons of yours :^)!

alright anon i warned you

quick warning for obsessive love and idk bro toxic angst i guess

also another warning i’m projecting a lot, specifically onto drew.

i’m a strong believer of drew being one of those gay people that just really represses their sexuality to the point of just not realizing for a while. he eventually figures out his gender but he doesn’t really talk about it much and cringes when he thinks about it too much. he’s a transfem agender, no big deal.

i know a lot of people hc drew as hispanic and that makes me very happy. you wanna know why i made him peruvian though, i’ll tell you why, i’m projecting, suck it nerd.

drew began being friends with jake during freshman year, in my head i feel like part of it was out of pity, drew didn’t think too much of jake at the time, just a new cool guy to hang out with.

idk how canon this is but in my interpretation the two of them the two of them got close to the point of being best friends, the two of them just jived together so well, he felt so understood, jake was an amazing guy, he was so fun to hang out with. it felt like things were perfect. however we know it wasn’t always great for the opposite party.

i’m a firm believer of neurodivergent jake, i don’t know what he has exactly but he’s def peculiar LMAO.

because of this, he’s always struggled socially and generally just being able to be his true self, of course he has a passion for singing and music and i wouldn’t be surprised if his neurodivergence impacted that at all.

think about it though, you’ve been bullied and outcasted your whole life, and all of the sudden a group of cool dudes want to take you in just because you seem cool to them?

jake finally felt a sense of belonging, right?

except those people were also judgmental to an extent, they put other people down, they put down your passion indirectly. you don’t want to lose them, because they seem to care for you, so you hide and lie, you mask.

i wouldn’t put it past jake to have some identity issues with how much he lies even to himself. ngl the more i write this the more i realize i said all the important things in my little chart. oh yeah my drew bpd hc this is def just me projecting btw, also i called it developing/undiagnosed in the chart since it's very rare for people his age to get diagnosed with it, plus he def goes around untreated. i guess the best way i can describe the two of them in my hc is this weird complicated love-hate thing. they're definitely not healthy, not at this rate, but it's like there's this slight chance, this sliver of hope that maybe things can work. i don't think that would happen though. i still need to think of how jake would even turn down drew, but i just know he'd be, more torn, lmao. you guys think a little bit of tyler the creator could've saved drew //slap

[swearyshera]

I’m sorry what??? You have a furry ex who (tried to?) committed murder?! Alice you can’t just share things like that and not give us the full story

Oh, there is the most batshit crazy story behind it. I'll stick it under the cut because it has next to nothing to do with the blog (other than to provide partial explanation as to why I'm like this). Cw for murder and horrifying sexual acts.

I'll also say, just before I start, that some of you may be aware of this - may even be aware of my involvement - so I'd ask you not to talk about me in relation to it too much. I've changed a few things about myself (including my name) to try and ensure a clean break from it, but I'm happy to talk about it still.

So... Cast your mind back to autumn 2008. At that time, a sprightly young 20-year-old me met a 19-year-old guy that we will call Steve (that's not his real name). Now, being woefully naïve and having at-the-time undiagnosed BPD, I was the sort of person who would fall deeply in love with anyone who showed me the slightest bit of kindness, and Steve did. He seemed caring, had a wild sense of humour, and genuinely appeared to love me back.

And what that did to me was that it made me ignore an entire truckload of red flags. His house was one level above a squat, bare floorboards and windows, no heating ("We can just snuggle under a blanket and share body heat") and I'm pretty sure he spent more money on beer and DVDs than he did on food. But I didn't seem to give a shit, those rose-tinted glasses were stuck firmly on, so I just ignored that stuff. There was worse, too, things that I felt a little uncomfortable with at the time and only realised years later were... well, let's just say I'd implore everyone to be able to identify what consent does and doesn't look like, because it's not always clear when you don't know for sure.

Anyhow, we'd been together about 4 or 5 months. He spent Christmas with me because he had no family to go to, I visited his house, played the "slightly bemused partner at the furry meet-up" role a couple of times, and things (at least to me) seemed to be great. Then one weekend in February, he mentioned that he was going to see some friends - absolutely fine by me, he did that fairly often and I didn't think anything of it. I texted him in the evening asking him how his day was, and he replied "Had a good day, but didn't go meet them".

That was the last message I got.

I didn't hear from him for the rest of the evening. Or the day after. Or the day after that. I got worried, because it wasn't like him to go silent - he wasn't even online on MSN (2000s reference!). And then I got a message from his aunty asking if I'd heard from him - that rang alarm bells. I reached out to a few of the people he knew, and no-one had heard a thing.

He'd been 'missing' for about a week and a half when I got another message from his aunty. She asked me if I knew a guy called Craig (again, not his real name), and I didn't. Then she asked me something that I can still remember verbatim to this day, she said "Do you have a loving family? You're going to need them, I'm sorry." and sent me a link to a news article. I clicked through to find a story in a local newspaper about two men being held for attempted murder. One of them was Steve.

The next few months flashed by as I found my belief about who he was completely trashed and flipped upside down. I discovered he'd been seeing multiple people behind my back, including this Craig guy, and I tried to find out what had happened, and what eventually came out was a completely other life that I didn't know about. I spoke to the Police about him, and was expecting to speak as a witness at the trial (in the end, thankfully, I did not have to do that). But the reality of what happened was fucking wild.

Steve and Craig had developed some weird-ass master/pet relationship, which led to 'role play' about killing Craig's parents. Craig felt that they were controlling and he'd only get peace if they were gone. In the trial, Steve testified that he thought it was not serious, although if that was the case, why did you fucking do it. On the night he sent the last message to me, he had been at Craig's house, made a show of saying goodbye to him and his parents, then waited in a nearby park. He played a game on his PSP to pass the time.

Later in the evening, once his parents had gone to bed, Craig texted Steve to invite him back in. Once he'd arrived, he was handed a knife and told to go upstairs and stab them which for some fucking reason he agreed to. Now Craig's dad was thankfully on the ball and wasn't quite asleep, and he fought off Steve and wrestled the knife from him, before restraining him and calling the police. Initially, Craig was thought to be an innocent bystander, but he was soon arrested too. Steve was charged with attempted murder and conspiracy to murder, Craig with conspiracy, and in court, both were convicted of conspiracy to murder (but cleared of the attempted murder charge).

If you think it doesn't get more fucked-up than that, boy, do I have a surprise for you. Imagine someone's asked you to commit murder - you'd want something in return, right? And indeed, Craig did offer Steve something. What, you ask? Money? A means of escape? Nope! For successfully killing Craig's parents, Steve would have the opportunity to bite off Craig's dick. I am not joking. If he stabbed some middle-aged people, he would get a fucking sausage sandwich.

So yeah... that's what happened. My life has been an absolute soap opera (although honestly, this seems a bit far-fetched even for that - but I swear to you, every word of it is true).

[maknaesdancersrappers]

hehe hi ^-^ i haven’t done this in so long ohmy but side note, i usually write these in my notes app before sending and i searched up devoted and i have a bunch of different notes just about this story i think i’m obsessed 😭 but anywho!!!

going back to 16 real quick!! idk if anyone has brought it up yet but y/n recalled a memory with jaehyun??? is she hallucinating or did they actually interact and she forgot all about it, this gave me a sliver of hope that there’s a redemption arch 😭

also i knew [redacted] was guilty! but i feel like he isn’t working alone, and y/n is saur pregnant! girl you’re not fooling anyone. but it gets me thinking, if she actually is what does this mean for her and jae? will jae still let her go like he says if she’s pregnant? ohmy.

on the topic of pregnancy i think the girl yuta got pregnant is minkyung’s missing cousin! i haven’t forgotten about her ! but i can’t remember if she went missing before kun came or after, if it’s before then i think it might be kyungwon. ngl i’m a little on the fence about that though bc if it was her why would she still be sleeping with him + wouldn’t she be showing?

this is hard idk who it was😭 unless someone in the friend group was secretly banging him idkkkk. also i was curious as to why [redacted] took mina and went back to reader chapter 7 and it started to make sense. 1/4

i feel like [redacted] and jae are twinsies 👬🏻 he said: “I didn’t have the most… respectable past. I was spoiled; I wanted to party, not study. I slept around, refused to be set up for arranged marriages. Eventually, my father grew tired of my nonsense and kicked me out. I was essentially disowned by my family about 5 years ago.” and if you think about it jae was kinda the same, his father spoiled him which gave him the resources to stalk y/n, he was forced to party bc of his friend group, idk if he did much studying but assuming he didn’t bc of his friends he probs would have been let off the hook due to his money, he didn’t sleep around but he did stalk y/n and did morally wrong things😭.

the only difference is that jae chose who he wanted to marry (by manipulating) and wasn’t disowned by his father. maybe that’s why [redacted] is doing this? bc he knows they’re so alike but there’s some jealousy that jae got away with everything while he was stripped of everything? idk but it’s like okay why drag the other girls into it? what’s the end goal? kill jae and get himself killed? then what’s the point?😭 2/4

but moving on,,,,doyoung knowing about jae being the stalker gaged me 😭😭 i honestly didn’t consider him knowing but it only makes sense he knew the tea 🍵 doyoung also telling jae “But you’re good to her and that was enough for her.” is giving me hope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! pls ik he’s done bad things but i need jaey/n to be endgame 😭😭

i was also debating if jaehyun is a monster like [redacted] said at the end of the chapter. yes he has done horrible things there’s no contesting that but i feel like we also have to take into account that he was raised to think what he did when he was younger was normal. he grew up knowing that’s what his father did, jaegun enabled him and didn’t get him help until it was quite literally too late. from what we’ve seen we also know his dad is abusive, i’m sure that didn’t help with the anger he had growing up too. 3/4

classic case of nature v. nurture. both of them screwed him over. he was already at a disadvantage with his (undiagnosed) bpd but the fact that his parents demanded him to always be perfect and essentially forced him into his old friend group and punished him for doing what they asked did a lot of harm. i don’t know why he specifically chose to focus on y/n, it makes sense that she was an escape but legit why her out of everyone? maybe bc she didn’t know him and was a clean slate? idk but he was doomed from the start.

i’m ranting sawry. but my point i guess is i don’t think he’s a monster. ofc he should take accountability for what he’s done, but i don’t think it was entirely on him. i’m at least taking into account the fact that he was at a disadvantage from the start. by the time his parents got him help he was already depressed and anxious, then they put him on drugs that messed with his head even more and made him suicidal before (assuming) putting him in therapy. idk but if i were in his shoes i’d be pretty pissed too😭. but even despite that he continued to get help and tried to be a better person for y/n following her giving him a second chance. he’s grown up thinking he’s a monster and that’s actually upsetting when you consider the cards were stacked against him. i also feel like he was starting to mature and be better with his bpd but then the rug was pulled from under him :( ughhh it’s so hard bc i don’t condone what he did but when i think about the factors that led to it i sympathize :/ either way you’re doing a great job because the fact that i feel so much for one character shows he’s not one dimensional and is a testament to how great your writing is that i can feel sympathy for someone so complex !!! 4/4

it's the way i got this and read it in the middle of a ranked valorant game and started internalizing it during a TFT match

but okay.

other points of this... theory?? will be addressed throughout the next chapters.

what i can say tho, regarding the high school flashbacks, yes, they are from y/n's memories - like the event itself wasnt significant in her life for her to remember clearly, but homegurl has time and she's in constant overthinking and reflection mode

unfortunately for yebin, yuta has definitely procreated -- i can spoil as much that yuta jr (not official name) is alive. does he know? does he care? 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

that analysis on jaehyun's upbringing is so *chefs kiss* yOU GET IT uGH but again, as for the reason why he locked in on y/n, we'll find out soooooon ish?

that is all

[jojolovenotes]

To reply to your last post, I agree shshsjsh

My most “questionable” F/O choice in the eyes of many is Joshu and I frequently got teased by an old friend group for it

Not to mention most of JoJo Tiktok has Joshu stans in their DNI, which I get because I don’t excuse his actions but I’m allowed to love hims

Everyone acquires their F/Os for reasons personal and unique to them, and most of the time or at least in my case it’s to help cope and feel a sense of comfort. For example, I head canon Joshu as autistic and BPD, both of which are conditions I’m not diagnosed with but highly suspect I have. If anything Joshu is probably undiagnosed too shshsj. I see a bit of myself in him, and it genuinely hurts me to have people, even people I considered friends, call him ugly and pathetic, because he shares a lot in common with me at my core (I’m just better at masking my neurodivergency and my flaws).

I’ve done a lot of bad, pathetic things in my life, and for the longest time I thought there was no point in redeeming myself because I didn’t think I was worth it. I took the love and support my family and peers gave me for granted, and what’s ironic is I didn’t even think I deserved it.

I created Kafumi with the intention of giving Joshu someone who genuinely believed in him. And in turn, he helps Kafumi become a better version of her true self. See, Kafumi’s Stand Babooshka gives her the ability to transform into others via sealed letters. For a while, Kafumi’s goal was to get Yasuho to sign one of these letters so that she could transform into her in hopes that Joshu would finally be able to give and receive love. When Joshu finds out about this, he initially becomes angry. He doesn’t even know why he’s angry, because an opportunity to be with Yasuho *should* be what he wants, right?

He realizes he’s in love with Kafumi, and he wants her to be herself. Trying to be anyone else for love is stupid in his opinion. He rips up the letter and confesses these new and confusing feelings to Kafumi. He realizes that she’s one of very few people in his life that’s never given up on him.

I see myself in both Kafumi and Joshu, to be honest. I want something like what they have, and I realize now that I can be that for myself. And hey, guess what? I’m actually talking to someone irl, and I think it has the potential to become something really healthy and wholesome. If Joshu and Kafumi can find each other, then I can find someone, and I just might’ve! I’m taking this new potential love interest slowly and challenging myself to communicate better in hopes that something blossoms from this little spark I found :3

Uwaaaa this went way off topic to what my reply was supposed to be, but I guess I had the big ol gushies in my heart and had to let it free lolol. Thank you as always for providing a safe space for people to gush, it means the world to me and without a doubt many others! Hope this new year treats us all well, and here’s to memories and moments we’ll make with our F/Os along the way!

Oh gosh, I’m so sorry you got teased for that. That’s exactly the thing though - when people see you like a certain character it’s like they’re quick to judge you for that without even getting to know you. I don’t get it. I think it’s perfectly OK to like a fictional character ESPECIALLY when you state you don’t condone their actions but to just automatically say ‘oh hey you like this character? don’t talk to me’ i just? i dont get it. Sure, I respect if some people are uncomfortable by a certain character, but even then it’s like ok well at least get to know the person before just blocking them. Like, you can just... not mention that character to that person or something.

But yeah, that’s good! Joshu is very happy to have Kafumi! Aw, that’s really lovely that you’re talking to someone IRL... I hope everything works out for you! but no worries haha... but yeah thank you! Hope the new year treats you well too! 

[melonae]

I would like to preface this saying that Mivvy has a destructive mental illness, BPD probably but he’s undiagnosed AND unmedicated, the only thing he’s been medically acknowledged of having IS neurodivergence and not EVEN what kind

nonethefuckingless, he leaves Elliott SEVERAL times during their relationship. most of the time he goes off to ginger island for DAYS before returning and dare I say he HATES. HATES Elliott for forgiving him, for everything he’s ever done Elliott has not one ounce of HATE in his soul but mivvy hates himself with every last OUNCE of his being it’s primal to run away, run away again and again until Elliott is TIRED of him. He WANTS Elliott to despise him, leave him alone leave him DEAD but he doesn’t— he doesn’t because he KNOWS mivvy wants him to hate him, so bad

and believe me, he loves Elliott back, he loves him so much he would KILL for him no matter WHAT. theres no ounce of pure spite in his body towards Elliott when they, you know, date, but there’s this VICIOUS feeling of wanting to cause pain just so he (mivvy) can go back the way he was: miserable

FYI RHIS DOESNT GO ON FOREVER AND EVER THEY, especially mivvy, get some form of help!!! I’m just focusing on the Lesser Fun parts of it because I can milk so much Filthy Angst out of this

[sadghostdiary]

When I was a kid, I used to be very paranoid. My mom was a single mother with undiagnosed bipolar and BPD and she was terrified of leaving me alone.

I also grew up in a dangerous place, so she felt it was appropriate to tell me she had life insurance, in case she died. She always reminded me about this, and how to claim it if something happened to her.

She was not a good mother by any means. I often found myself wanting to run away, to emancipate myself, to just disappear, to die, or maybe to get adopted by someone else. Anything but being there with her.

Every time she was late from work, I started thinking about how she must’ve died, and even though a part of me was saddened, most of me was relieved.

I found solace at the idea that I was free. I felt caged around her. Trapped in her delusions. She was a big child that me, as a child myself, had to take care of, console, and cater to her emotional needs.

I wanted to be taken care of, I didn’t want to take care of her. It was exhausting.

Thinking about her not being there and me not having to worry about money was a daydream. I couldn’t think of anything better that could happen to me.

She was manipulating me to stay with her. Even when I was an adult and I could move out, she used to go on these emotionally manipulative tirades about how I was all she had, the only thing that gave meaning to her life.

I couldn’t leave her with nothing. I couldn’t take away from her the only thing she had, myself.

Until I did, and when I left a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders. It was like I could finally exist as myself without her trying to pull my strings constantly as a messed up puppet master.

I was free and I could be myself. And I just caged myself again with someone else.

My heart hurts because I’m not loved the same way that I love. I am not cared for with the same amount of care I put into others. I am always giving and never receiving.

All that my heart has desired for a while now is to be loved right. To be deeply loved and not manipulated. To be with someone that admires me and someone I can admire. To be with someone that’s kind and sensitive and understanding. Someone that gets my art and my pain.

It seems like I’m always getting lowballed by my relationships, and it’s probably because I accept less than I truly deserve.

It’s like that quote from that teenage book I don’t remember reading but it was something like « we accept the love we think we deserve ». I probably don’t truly acknowledge I deserve better.

I’m also in love with someone else and it hurts. It hurts so bad because I’m already with someone I wish I wasn’t, and if I was free I’d go for him. But I can’t because I cannot stand the thought about inflicting pain on him, even though he’s constantly hurting me.

I couldn’t forgive myself if I broke his heart even though he crushes mine regularly. I’m tired of feeling beaten down, begging for love.

What can I do? I’m just a lonely soul, afraid of being truly alone. I’d rather stay with an empty body than try to venture out and find my true love.

I care about him but he constantly proves he doesn’t care for me the same. I used to adore him, but every day I love him less and I crave for someone who actually loves me more.

Will life stop being cruel and send me the love I want?

[gaybd1]

One brother two years younger than me works remotely and never leaves his house which he owns (he’s always been the naturally luckiest of all of himself like the salaried he’s been living off of without a college degree are insane) but never takes care of bc he has terrible depression and lives alone. Actually he lost his job in like august and has been just living off credit cards since then bc he’s off his meds and too depressed to apply for a single new job. He’s about to lose his house. He lives so close to the whole family but never sees or talks to them. He was bullied a lot in terrible ways as a kid and our dad was not supportive at all and he’s kind of alienated himself from the whole family because of that? I relate to him the most bc if I hadn’t left the country I’d be in his exact situation right now, I’m positive

My sister is like 4 years younger than me. She’s doing great right now, she’s the GM of the biggest weed dispensary in town with another promotion not that far down the line I’m sure. She’s looking to buy a house soon but has always been so much better than me financially. Our dad always treated her the worst because she’s a girl and she really never deserved any of it. She had a huge drug problem in her teens and actually lost her best friend when she ODed in front of her. She’s always had a hard time with anxiety and depression and undiagnosed ADHD and definitely something else but seeing THAT obviously messed her up a whole lot more so she’s very. Here and there.

My next brother is about to be 20. The youngest two were adopted internationally. He was 5 when he came home out of an incredibly neglectful and abusive situation. He’s got all sorts of scars and while he (honestly luckily) doesn’t seem to remember that part of his life he still had the ROUGHEST time growing up dealing with that trauma. The rest of our family was absolutely not equipped for it honestly. RAD and BPD and a dad who just up and went “fuck it, this is too hard for me, I’m out” didn’t help either. This kid was sneaking out of the house and stealing shit and drinking and doing drugs well before 10 and there were probably way better things to do for the boy with abandonment issues than to send him to the mental hospital and to live with his dad but honestly it was tricky because he kept physically hurting and threatening to kill the rest of us. This poor boy. I loved him the best I could and gave him as normal of a childhood as I could have. He never finished high school and can’t hold down a job and last I heard of him he just got his drivers license suspended which honestly I think is the best move for him

The youngest brother is about to go into his last semester of high school and might even go to college! He’s a lot more wild than the average teenager but he’s doing okay. He literally thinks he’s invincible and doesn’t value his life, but that’s just teenager stuff right?? He’s a big shot on the schools varsity football team and is keeping his grades up. Childhood wasn’t easy for him either because he had to see allllll of us and our own issues and he was the next brother’s favorite punching bag. But he was too young leaving Guatemala to remember his life there so that, while tragic, is also great for trauma reasons. He lives with my mom which is also best and was quite young when the next brother up got sent away which I think really saved him. He’s always been very much influenced by those bad choices and his brother is more than happy to let him be his scapegoat. He’s actually kind of gullible and it’s clear he does have his own issues to deal with, especially around my dad who has WAY too many issues to talk about but my brother pretty much believes all of the terrible lies he tells about my mom so. Not great. That all gets very complicated but yeah he’s still the most normal of us so far so here’s hoping….

[felinedetached]

Fandom Ableism in the MCYT Community

[Edited 14 June 2021]

One thing I’ve noticed about the MCYT (Dream SMP, specifically) community on both Tumblr and Twitter is that when informed of things that are ableist, or harmful to ND people, a lot of people ignore the post/tweet, derail it or actively fight against it.

“I’m ND so I can’t be ableist” is a common statement, which is blatantly untrue. Even I’ve used ableist terms and phrases before, without realising they were harmful. So as a neurodivergent person, with autism, BPD, depression/anxiety, dyslexia, psychosis & brain damage*: here’s some common ableist things both CCs and fandom say almost constantly**.

*note that not every neurodivergent person will agree with me on these, but these are commonly ableist things people have previously talked about online, and/or have been discussed between me and other neurodivergent friends. No minority can ever speak for the entire group.

**note that a lot of these are common outside the MCYT community as well, and that some of these are just considered societally acceptable. This isn’t okay, but it explains why a lot of people don’t recognise jokes or comments like these are wrong, and it means that it’s not a direct moral failing of people that they don’t immediately or directly recognise these comments as wrong.

Now, let’s get into the things you might not have realised are potentially ableist:

1. Use of “Psychopath/Psycho/Sociopath/Schizo” and other demeaning terms for people with mental illnesses as insults, or to describe characters who are considered villainous. Psychopath/Psycho/Sociopath are already terms that people with ASPD dislike using, even not as an insult, but using these terms to describe people or characters who you disagree with or see as villainous only contributes to the villainisation of people with ASPD and other mental illnesses. Using c!Dream as an example: Dream as a character is not confirmed to have any of these mental illnesses. He is, however, commonly labeled as psychotic/psychopathic, incapable of any kind of compassion.

He is also a character that fandom largely insists that nobody is allowed to sympathise with. This is a huge issue, and has hurt a lot of people, especially people with low empathy, or mental illnesses that cause them to relate to some of c!Dream’s actions (e.g. pulling away from all his friends, desperately grasping at straws to gain control of situations etc). Insisting that these characters are characters it’s impossible to sympathise with, all while calling them psychotic/psychopathic/sociopathic, is extremely harmful, and I hope this post draws attention to that.

Here’s another post that talks about that.

2. Use of the term “freak”, in general. As an insult, “freak” has been typically used to insult neurodivergent people, people with visible physical disabilities (ex. “freakshow”, and the term was reportedly created with the intent of insulting people with physical disabilities), or people who display any kind of abnormal/atypical social behaviour/physical aspects — people who are usually ND people who lack a diagnosis or people with physical disabilities. Recent usage has come to mean “people who do things that hurt other people”, but this is harmful as well; using words like “freak” or “weirdo” which mean “socially atypical behaviour” to refer to people who are actually doing things that hurt other people conflates the two, and often has a side effect of hurting disabled people who see it.

3. Calling ND ccs like Technoblade monotone/emotionless. While the term “monotone” isn’t ableist in and of itself, the fact that it’s being used against a neurodivergent man who emotes in a different way to neurotypical people rubs a lot of ND people the wrong way. I’ve partially discussed this here, in a tweet responding to a person who said that c!Technoblade, quote, “has no human capabilities like emotion for example”. This, however, is not something contained to c!Technoblade — one of the most common jokes in this fandom is how rare it is to hear emotion in Technoblade’s voice.

The issue with that is that neurodivergent people almost universally agree that Technoblade emotes perfectly fine, and, in fact, emotes more freely and clearly than a lot of others do. Hence, calling him monotone perpetuates the idea of ND people as emotionless/less able to be hurt/less expressive, which often hurts us. It also contributes to the dehumanisation of ND people — related to how ND symptoms are most often seen in robots or monsters in shows — and is generally extremely harmful, on top of being untrue.

4. Related to point 3: the infantilisation of ND ccs like Tubbo and Dream, usually paired with assigning “caretakers” of their friends, like Tommy and George. This is about the posts that spread like “omg, Tommy helps Tubbo with his dyslexia, that’s so cute” or “omg George is so patient with Dream, I could never sit through that” on videos of Dream vocally stimming because of his ADHD. This is another post that talks about this, but I wanted to talk more about why this is harmful here.

4a) With Tubbo’s dyslexia, from someone with dyslexia, it isn’t harmful to correct his spelling and move on. Personally, I think this is helpful — others will think it’s condescending, because not all ND people are the same — but as the above linked post mentions, this is not what Tubbo’s twitch chat does. This is not what the comments say. It’s all things about how it’s “so cute” that Tubbo can’t spell, how Tommy/Ranboo are “so patient” with correcting him. This is rooted in the need to constantly watch over ND people while acting like we can't live our lives without someone having us under constant vigilance. It feels like savior-complex ableism, like people are trying so hard to not be ableist that they spin back around to hurting us instead. And it feels like we are being treated like children. Like we are lesser than, and need to be monitored/watched over.

4b) Similarly to what people do with Tubbo, the comments on posts about Dream’s vocal stimming are often full of people calling George “patient” for “dealing with it”, or claiming they “wouldn’t be able to handle it”. This is inherently ableist. They’re praising George for basic human decency towards ND people, and claiming in the same breath that they wouldn’t be able to do that themselves. And then there’s these.

These comments infantilise Dream — claiming he “wouldn’t be able to stop/calm down” without George’s help, implying he’d “spiral out of control” or claiming “everyone is now my child”. It’s all related to the infantilisation of ND people, and the belief that without help/a caretaker we cannot take care of ourselves.

5. The way people treat ccs who likely have undiagnosed neurodivergencies, like Wilbur. Wilbur has openly admitted on stream before that his parents considered getting him an autism diagnosis. He also openly admits on stream that he has habits he doesn’t understand why he does, and hyperfixates on things for months at a time and doesn’t know why. Posts like this have gone around Tumblr, in which Wilbur displays blatantly ND traits.

And fandom generally calls him weird for expressing those traits. This video where he talks about eating sand because he likes the texture? That’s an ND trait. This video where he talks about his irrational hatred for anteaters? While mostly a joke, irrational hatred of something when you can’t explain/understand/articulate why is also a common ND trait. He spends 20 minutes during a Philza stream info-dumping about self-sustaining ecosystems (sharing the photo, because I think it’s really cool) and fandom begins calling them “Wilbur’s weird jars”. It’s demeaning to people who infodump, and as a ND person who hyperfixates and infodumps it’s really upsetting to see. It’s also upsetting to see other ND traits being called “weird” or “freaky” & made out to be soley some funny joke for NT people to laugh at us about.

Additionally: It’s strange to me that people think it’s okay to make fun of ND traits just because they know that or perceive that the person they’re making fun of is NT. It’s still making fun of ND traits. It’s still insulting ND people. It’s still ableist as hell. Why is it okay just because the person is NT?

6. Implying that c!Ranboo’s enderwalking is inherently violent. Ranboo has shown us time and time again that the enderwalk state isn’t a violent state. That the enderwalk state isn’t a seperate version of c!Ranboo that does horrific things. Why, then, is it so common to imply that Ranboo would be violent and hurt people why he’s enderwalking?

It comes back to the perception of c!Ranboo as a character with “two halves”, or as a character with DID. Ranboo has made it clear that his character does not have DID, but this headcanon about his character persists, and it persists in a way that is directly harmful to people with DID — and to people who dissociate or sleepwalk. We do not commit horrific acts while we dissociate, while we’re sleepwalking, because the majority of the time we’re just checked out, our body is on autopilot. Insinuating that we do is harmful. Insinuating that Ranboo has “another half” that’s inherently violent or evil is harmful to people with DID. I’m not going to ask you to stop writing these headcanons etc, but please consider the effect you have on people before you do.

7. Related to point 6: the perception of c!Ranboo as “soft” and “cute” and/or perfectly moral because of his canonical anxiety. This is really harmful, and comes once again from the infantilisation of disorders like anxiety and depression. Ranboo has made clear time and time again that his character isn’t moral, and in fact is extremely inconsistent. He’s portrayed his character as inconsistent, as someone who hurts his friends unintentionally and often due to his want to please everyone, and yet he’s constantly seen as “soft/pure/the only moral one” because of his anxiety causing to have repeated and consistent spirals on-screen. These spirals are not healthy. They don’t indicate his “perfect morals” or make him more moral than anyone else on the SMP. Please stop infantilising people with anxiety, it’s really hurtful.

8. Implying that c!Technoblade is inherently a violent person because of his voices. I’ll admit here: my hallucinations are visual. I do not get auditory hallucinations, and I cannot speak for people who do. But many people have spoken out about this, and discussed how talking about Technoblade as an inherently violent character because of his voices is harmful, and a stereotype of people with schizophrenia.

Technoblade’s character is, in and of itself, inherently a stereotype (despite the fact that his chat are more likely to be a supernatural entity than a symptom of a disorder such as schizophrenia) in that the idea of “hearing voices that encourage violence” is a stereotype of people with schizophrenia. As an actual symptom, is a very uncommon one. More common auditory hallucinations for people with schizophrenia or psychosis are, reportedly, whispers or unrelated conversation. One of my friends hears screaming.

But the issue is with the implication that c!Technoblade is “driven to violence” by the voices. Canonically, he has dealt with the “bloodlust” of chat by grinding withers. He’s perfectly capable of being peaceful, even with “voices pushing for violence”, and he’s perfectly capable of being violent without the “voices” influence. It’s the connotations and the history that fandom has in demonising and villainising c!Technoblade for even having the “voices” in the first place, and acting having them makes him inherently violent and unstable. There’s precedent for that already in society, and it’s not okay to perpetuate it.

[Edit: as of 22/05/2021, I do experience auditory hallucinations, and I can confirm that I am not any more violent, and the voices I hear don’t push me to violence. The clearest one just said ‘click’ in my ear.]

9. Jokes about brain damage and the use of “brainrot” as a term. I made a post about how common jokes about brain damage are here, and I would like to reiterate bits of it.

Jokes like these are really really normalized in modern society. I’m sure a lot of you didn’t even register it as wrong, and that isn’t a moral failing! It’s a norm in society, and that means the majority of people arent going to register it as something hurtful, because it’s said so often. But it does still hurt. The idea of using a disability as an insult is really harmful and it feels dehumanizing, like our disability makes us lesser, something that should be laughed at.

“Brainrot” as a term originated in Skyrim, as a disease that literally rotted your brain. However, as a term, it has very similar connotations to “brain damaged” and has been used in similarly joking and insulting ways. It’s something that feels really off to me and other neurodivergent people to see used by neurotypical people. It even sometimes feels uncomfortable when used by neurodivergent people, even if it’s used in positive ways. I know quite a few people who have removed it from their vocab completely because of the connotations, and I have personally done the same. Once again, I am just asking you to please consider your words before you use them.

10. Calling c!Wilbur during his Pogtopia Arc “Vilbur”. Yes, he was a villain. Yes, he hurt people. But c!Wilbur during the Pogtopia Arc only has one major difference from c!Wilbur during the L’Manburg Arc: a visible depiction of mental illness, specifically paranoia and psychosis. Treating him as a seperate person and calling that seperate person “Vilbur” comes across as extremely hurtful, and contributes to the villainisation of mentally ill people. His mental illness does not excuse him from hurting people, but calling c!Wilbur “Vilbur” upsets a lot of us, because wether or not it’s intended, it feels reductive, hurtful, and insulting.

If you got to the end of this post, thank you so much for reading. I hope that this helped you recognise things that you might not have known were ableist, and that you consider what I’ve said here. I also know that I haven’t addressed everything ableist that’s spread through the MCYT fandom community, so if you’re ND and have something you’d like to add, please feel free.

[slexenskee]

Re: Does Shouto have his scar/what happened to Rei in May Death Never Stop You

TL;DR - Shouto does not have his scar but Rei is still in the hospital. Okay and now for the long version -

So we don’t know the specifics of Rei’s mental disorders in canon, but judging from her actions I imagine there’s a whole laundry list of cluster a, b, and c disorders in there to certain degrees. For this fic I’m assuming her particular cocktail is bipolar disorder (mania and depression) with psychotic features (delusions, hallucinations), avoidant/dependent disorders, PPD and generalized anxiety. 

Rei’s first born is a really weird fucking baby. He’s basically an alien. He doesn’t really cry or make much noise, and he has a terribly unnerving and unblinking stare. Sometimes it seems like he just sees right through her, judging her and finding her wanting and deciding to dismiss her from his perception of reality. Or at least that’s how she sees it - is it actually? No because Gojo’s awareness hasn’t even come in yet, but the whole ‘old soul in a new body’ is still making him a weird infant. Also the whole body/soul thing in JJK is very ??? which means its possible Gojo’s soul has always been in his body, and so has his cursed energy (even if his 6 eyes and his awareness didn’t fully manifest until he was about 4 or so), so even in utero he would have had cursed energy, and who knows how that would react in the body of a human without any cursed energy to speak of? In JJK even normal humans have trace amounts of cursed energy even if they can’t see curses, which would explain how sorcerers come from non-sorcerer families. But MHA has zero cursed energy, and the 6 eyes have evolved to see quirk energy. Idk what that would do to Rei, but nothing good, I imagine. I wouldn’t say her mental issues are entirely Gojo’s fault, since a lot of that is hereditary and environmental, but it certainly didn’t help. 

In a normal person it would probably give mood swings, more depressive episodes, and other symptoms that we’ve seen in JJK for normal people who are unknowingly cursed - anxiety, sudden nervousness, bad dreams, that kind of stuff. But because Rei already had plenty of undiagnosed mental health disorders, it sort of compounded everything. 

Rei is already under pressure just by the nature of her marriage, which I head-canon as her agreeing to by pure technicality of the legal definition of ‘consent’, but in reality was very much so caused by the pressure her parents, society and endeavor himself was exerting on her. Basically she made herself believe it was what she wanted because everyone else seemed to think it was the smart choice - marry a rich and handsome famous hero who has offered to take care of your family and you financially for the rest of your days, in a society that’s already misogynistic? I imagine her friends in school and just everyone in her everyday life even beyond her parents was putting pressure on her, maybe not intentionally, but exerting their opinions on her nonetheless. 

This is a lot of stress and environmental pressure for everyone, but again Rei already had BPD and was more susceptible to these kinds of changes, and never got the help she needed to deal with any of it. In line with cultural values, it probably never occurred to her to voice her struggles aloud or seek help for them.

She’s alone, suffering under undiagnosed PPD, can’t bond with her baby in any capacity, feels like a failure, and it’s just a huge spiral that gets worse and worse until it eventually breaks. 

I imagine she didn’t start having more violent/hysteric attributes to her psychotic features until this point in her life, and they would have scared her. I have to imagine this is canon, bc otherwise I don’t know how she ended up going from a mild woman to having a violent episode and scarring Shouto. 

She’s also not taking any medication whatsoever, and has never been diagnosed or seen a doctor for her mental health issues. Untreated BPD is basically a recipe for disaster in this instance, but instead of harming her children like in canon, the coin flipped on the other side and she acted on her depressive side and not her manic one, and she makes an attempt on her own life instead. Frankly its unrealistic that she hadn’t injured anyone else in one of her manic episodes beforehand, like a maid or one of her own kids, but that’s where the avoidant distorder comes in, as she’s always been more of a recluse and more likely to hurt herself in a manic episode than someone else. But anyway this is enough to finally get psychiatric help involved. 

Again, in canon she’s seen to be pretty cordoned off from life and has been in a psych ward for most of Shouto’s life - that wouldn’t make sense unless she had pretty uncontrollable violent tendencies and exhibited an inability to deal with stressors in regular life, so I have to imagine her particular cocktail of disorders is extreme and was probably already there and got worse due to the environmental factors of her marriage. 

 To be specific I’ve slotted her psych ward admittance into the timeline to be right around the time that Gojo confronts Endeavor in the dojo. Honestly maybe even like a week or two before it. At that point in time Gojo is spending like 80% of his time away from his own house and honestly has no idea it even happened. In his POV in ch1 he mentions how odd it is that Rei isn’t in the house when he stops by because she’s always there, then he’s distracted when he notices Endeavor and Shouto. 

[myrrhcutio]

peter and jason neurodivergent hcs!!

( i tried bulleting everything bc dyslexia but i'm so used to writing blocks of text <//3 )

— peter and jason are autistic but jason also has adhd and bpd

— most of their conversations are just infodumping and they both do research about the other's interest/hyperfixation

— headphones !! usually peter wears earbuds outdoors but owns and uses dt880 headphones indoors (dt990 if he's feeling funky) and his bf totally didn't buy both with his birthday money

— jason usually has the dt990 headphones bc his music taste is godtier and the bass always hit just right

— if it isn't obvious, they both love music and their range contrast each other. peter's range is a lot smaller compared to jason who can listen to anything

— jason genuinely loves baseball . i will die on this hill . collecting vintage memorabilia is his main thing and yes peter is a supportive bf

— they're very touchstarved so these gay bitches hug and hold hands every minute of the day . . good for them .. good for them

— what do you get when you have a guy who doesn't know how to keep an inside voice and a guy with echolalia? absolute chaos duh

— jason has a crippling fear of letting go of things and since peter always gives him little notes ranging from romantic to whatever the fuck a deez nut is, just imagine his bedside table

— idc if it isn't canon, they have a healthy relationship and good communication due to being direct and understanding of each other

— it's harder for peter to see things from jason's point of view but communication really made it work between them

— jason is used to masking bc he doesn't want to be the "weird kid" (on top of being undiagnosed for so long) which lead to a fuck ton of stress especially since his "role" in life is being the perfect, gifted kid

— peter masks as well but he's been working on unmasking recently

— black and white morality is something they both deal with, and it really shows during their arguments

— they also both have sensory sensitivity with jason being "less prone" to it due to years of masking (his stress only staying internally while peter would express his own externally)

— it's common for them to have a shutdown and stay completely silent in their dorm room. whether it's a comfortable silence or not depends on the mood

— i'm justifying jason having bpd with the fact that his parents didn't want to taint their family name so they avoided the idea of neurodivergency altogether and jason was shamed everytime he showed traits

— speaking of bpd, jason is however very prone to blowing up during an argument or anytime he senses a negative feeling (i.e. threatened even by something "minimal")

— what was that?? do i smell a therapy arc in here?? peter and jason goes to therapy moment??? yes please <33

— AND i'm ending this list with an hc that whenever jason plays a game, peter would watch and listen to him explain the lore and give "fun facts" about whatever the game is !!

[jigscw]

PSYCHOPATHOLOGY ,  aka various ( would be ) diagnoses, precipitating factors, perpetuating factors, and various components of billy’s psyche. because i had the time this morning and i’m a psych-nerd. 

disclaimer:  as always, the following is my interpretation and how i write bill. it is not reflective of real people who are diagnosed with the particular disorders below or who have endured the types of trauma listed below. everyone is different. every disorder is different. everyone’s particular set of symptoms and presentation is different. 

OFFICIAL DIAGNOSES + particular symptoms:

borderline personality disorder ( undiagnosed + untreated ) 

patterns of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation 

identity disturbance ( markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self )

impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self damaging ( sex, recklessness, elopement from foster / group homes, fighting ) 

instability of mood and heightened reactivity 

inappropriate, intense feelings of anger or difficulty controlling anger

transient, stress-related paranoid ideation 

while bill does meet the above criteria for BPD, he doesn’t typically align with the “typical” aspects of BPD that involve self harm or suicidal ideation. for him, most of those aspects will reflect outwardly as opposed to inwardly. military training ( discussed later ) amplifies this severely. 

traumatic brain injury ( diagnosed during season two ) ,  read more here.

 a bump, blow, or jolt to the head or a penetrating head injury that disrupts the normal function of the brain. can be mild or severe and cause symptoms ranging from brief changes in mental status or emotion, to extended periods of unconsciousness or amnesia after the injury. symptoms generally fall into four categories:

thinking and remembering:  difficulty thinking clearly, difficulty concentrating, difficulty remembering new information.

physical:  headaches, dizziness, sensitivity to noise or light

emotional:  instability, more emotional, nervousness and anxiety, loss of emotional control  ( aggression ) 

sleep:  sleeping less than usual, trouble falling asleep

trauma history

exposure to drugs / alcohol while in utero

parental abandonment 

frequent involvement with the foster system, changing of environments, group homes, etc.

victim of grooming and attempted molestation 

victim of child abuse ( physical, emotional, attempted sexual ) 

military combat 

this is some of it. there are more things here and there that definitely apply heavily, but these are the main ones. billy’s childhood was extremely unstable and at times volatile and rarely secure or safe, it’s not conducive to the type of healthy development that a child needs. the instability in both environment and lack of steady parental / healthy adult relationships has a severe impact on his functioning. he never learned healthy or proper family dynamics or relationships. he never learned how adults are supposed to act towards one another. he learned how to survive and how to fend for himself and how to make sure that no one victimized him again. 

i would also like to point out, during this stage, that while there were numerous instances during his childhood adolescence where bill was exposed to and underwent heavy trauma --- it doesn’t excuse the things that he did later in life. plenty of people undergo severe trauma during childhood and they grow up and turn out into fully functioning, healthy people. the key for bill that likely prevented that possibility is (a) the fact that he never got the help that he needed, and (b) his military service.

military service / training.

i’m not a military expert so i don’t know much about the training that marines go through ( let alone those chosen for the special ops squad(s) similar to cerberus ), but i do know that it’s intense. and it’s meant to make you withstand all manners of torture and prevent the emotional turmoil that comes along with taking a life and losing people you become close to. because of his “i take care of myself and can’t really trust anyone” attitude that he likely got while growing up, bill excels at this. he is literally the perfect kid to mold into a soldier. he craves familial relationships. he craves structure. he craves purpose. and he’s just “selfish” enough to put himself first to climb the ranks. and that’s quite honestly what they did with him. they molded him into the perfect soldier. the perfect attack dog. and whatever little pieces he had in his life that were there before his training that could have pulled him back ( including, at some point, the castle family ) started to fall away and his own need for survival became too great because the stakes became higher. rawlins had him under his thumb. he knew rawlins could expose him at any given moment and ruin any life that he could make for himself after his service. none of what he did following cerberus, or during cerberus, was right. or okay. or at all the kind of thing that could or should be excused, but this is a kid who always needed to make sure he had an exit strategy. and that’s the mentality he took into his service.

IN SUMMARY,  billy has a really long and rough history of trauma and mental health considerations that impact his particular situation that vastly contributed to him being the antagonist that we know and love. all of those things are really important to keep in mind, but none of it excuses the things that he did, the people that he hurt, and the lives that he took. 

[randomestfandoms-ocs]

Rachel Eliot: The Infodump

Here’s just a big info dump on my oc Rachel, with explanations of canon characters & her relationships with them — it was written for a friend who hasn’t watched The Society so it should be comprehensible even without being familiar with the fandom!  I’m just very excited about her lmao!  However it does contain spoilers for the show!

Her twin brother is Sam Eliot, the deaf & gay character (in other words, obviously my favourite) — he's about the nicest person in town tbh

their older brother campbell is a piece of shit and a psychopath (however it's very hollywood-sensationalized and really the only thing I sort of dislike about the show, so I'm debating if I might go for a more realistic route or fully lean into that and go angsty as fuck)

she's a lesbian, and she's dating a guy on the football team named Grizz (best boy, literally a human ray of sunshine) — they started dating when she was 14 and he was 15; when she was 16 and he was 17 she told him she was a lesbian and his reaction was basically "oh thank god, I'm gay — also I have a crush on Sam", however neither was ready to come out, so they're still dating as far as everyone else knows

canonically speaking, Grizz isn't out and has slept with girls in the past and his plan has always basically been "pretend to be straight until I graduate, go to university, come out, never look back", and I thought it would be an interesting dynamic to play with in terms of they very much are soulmates and love each other so much, they have slept together and they're comfortable kissing to keep people off their backs, but neither of them are any less gay for choosing not to come out yet bc fuck gatekeeping in queer communities

and she's in love with Becca, who's Sam's best friend!  Becca (spoilers!!!) is pregnant and refuses to tell anyone who the father is, and when she tells Sam about her baby (and her fear of what people will say if there's no father), he immediately offers to step up and be the father; both in terms of helping to raise the baby and in terms of "you can tell people that I'm the bio dad and that we experimented or something"

so needless to say, the baby will have a very confusing family tree —  "this is my mom becca and my dad sam and this is my other mom rachel who's also my sam-dad’s sister and this is my other dad grizz who used to date my mom-aunt rachel"

In terms of her personality/interests/hobbies:

Rachel is an artist and a writer!  She's about to be done her junior year of high school when they end up in this parallel world

Grizz is her best friend and her safety net, Campbell is pretty much the only person she's afraid of, she has bpd (undiagnosed at that point, but I know it about her!), and she's got a bit of an atlas complex!

at first she has no intention of really trying to be a leader in their new society — she'd rather just stick by Grizz's side, and when she can't do that then she's helping Sam try to investigate how they ended up in the town!  When Grizz gets put in charge of taking a team into the forest that now surrounds them, to look for land for farming, she's the first to sign up and is his second in command on the team, because the idea of being in New Ham (their town) without him terrifies her

When they return, things are kind of a mess, and that's when she gets this sort of "someone has to do something, and I guess I'm the one who has to do it" mentality, particularly about dealing with Campbell (it's not that Campbell has a soft spot for her by any means, but rather that if he's going to hurt someone then she'd rather it be her than anyone else and maybe, just maybe, if she survives his game for long enough, she'll find a way to win)

she's self sacrificing to a fault, keeps her emotions locked down tightly with everyone but Grizz (and eventually Sam & Becca) but cares *so much* about everyone around her, and she's pretty much constantly 0.2 seconds away from having a panic attack

and she's an honorary member of the football team bc of Grizz!  She usually hangs out with them (which can be really hard bc Campbell also hangs out with them often-ish) and even though the three who aren't Grizz can all kind of be assholes, they do actually care about her and see her as a sort of little sister

And, she becomes the historian for their new society!  Her cousin Cassandra is the first mayor and I have this moment between them planned when jobs are being assigned where Rachel just goes up to her and goes "I want to write" and Cassandra says something about like "I know you do, and I want to go to Yale, but we can't do that right now" and Rachel just being like "No, I want to write.  We're either going to be found, find a way home, or die.  And someone, someday, should know what happens to us.  I want to write it all, I want to record it."

her job comes to include recording & tracking of all of their resources, writing a newsletter (that gets posted in the few central areas in town since paper is a limited resource) that recaps everything that's happened and has a schedule for town meetings, movie nights, meals, etc, and any new laws that get put into place, and then her half-journal almost (except she tries to record everything that's going on not just what's going on for her, and she tries to keep it unbiased) about every single day and everything that happens in town and how people feel about choices that get made and whatnot