#just feeling the seasonal depression i think
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QUEENMAKER | CHAPTER 24
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pairing chan x reader
genre ninth member au, angst, fluff, coming of age, social media, cancel culture, anxiety, depression, forbidden love,
summary To JYPE, the solution is simple; take the sole trainee that will not debut with your brand new girl group, and use her to replace the missing vocalist in your male group that insisted on starting as nine.
Unfortunately, to the fans and the members themselves, it isn't that simple.
status ongoing
taglist OPEN
a/n hi. it's me. i'm back. i don't have any excuses to make.
please also check out daybreak, posting weekly from now on (yes i did write an entire smau instead of queenmaker and sit on it for almost six months)
previous | masterlist | next
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Comeback approaches like a hurricane; it's there, developing in the corner of your eye just off the coast of your island, and then all at once it is here, and it is so all-encompassing that you're not even sure where here is anymore.
Comeback. Debut. The most important day of your life. One of those.
Time starts to fly by; schedules and practice and filming and every so often the chance to sleep or to grab something to eat with the others. It drags at your coattails, sticks itself to your feet and settles like a weight upon your shoulders, but you can't stop. There are performances to film, and then there is a concert that you are missing so much of the choreography for, and even when all of that is over, you are headfirst into award season and special performances and group activities for the company and-
First, debut. Second, everything else.
The camera sits on the table in front of you, staring with one dark, unblinking eye as a brush darts across your face, erasing all your imperfections. It fills your stomach with a funny kind of fear, small but poisonous, stinging when you think about turning it on - you've managed to put it off so far, waiting until your face was made up to at least avoid having to see your own naked skin reflected back at you in the viewfinder. No one else wanted to see that either, you're sure, after the things you've read and...well, the experiences you've had in the past. It's good to know your limits, after all.
That excuse is fast running out now though, and the time to go up towards the stage is drawing closer with alarming speed, and if you don't capture any footage before that happens, you're in some real trouble, no matter how loudly Seungmin and Felix are churning out hours worth of content on the other side of the room.
It takes real, deliberate effort to lean forward and turn that camera on once the makeup artist proclaims you ready, your hands delaying still as they fiddle with the angle and the focus, following the motions the manager that had handed it to you had shown you before he left. It gives you a little red light to say it is filming, and you swallow down the stone in your throat and sit up straight, looking around at the room to avoid the stare of its lense.
The first minute of your vlog is very boring. It's probably only the thought of some stranger sitting in a room later and watching you sit there awkwardly for a ridiculous amount of time that spurs you into saying anything at all.
"Hello Stay," you begin, because it seems the only way to begin. The words feel awkward in your mouth, your tongue stiff and undeserving of saying them, and your throat scratches and dries; you think, as you speak, that you do not sound like a singer at all. "It's nice to meet you...for the second time."
A noise rises up from behind you, giving you pause just as you run out of things to say - Han, running his voice up and down the scales as he begins to warm up. You've gotten used to that by now, the volume of the boys around you, but you're grateful for the excuse to pause in your self-rumination anyway, the precious seconds it gives you to figure out what it is you're saying.
Act normal, you tell yourself firmly as you turn back to the camera.
"I guess I should introduce myself, shouldn't I?" you say, your fingers twisting in your lap. "I'm L/N Y/N from Stray Kids, and today we're at [] for our first performance of Back Door, and I have just finished with the makeup..."
In the corner of the viewfinder, you notice a face hovering over your shoulder; Jeongin, waving a peace sign just out of your field of vision. You turn to look at him, shuffling over so that he is in full view for the camera. "What are you doing?" you ask and he leans in closer, automatically fixing the angle for the camera.
"I just wanted to see what you were doing," he says, refreshingly peaceful compared to the chaos that is building in the rest of the room. "Is this a vlog?"
"Mhm," you answer, and he smiles and waves again to the camera. "Are you dressed already?"
"Nearly," he says, glancing down at his white shirt and the black necklace that dangles around his neck. "You have time still."
You glance down at yourself; hoodie and cargo pants, neat but not show-ready by any means. "Mine is cold," you say by way of explanation, thinking of the skirt and thin shirt that wait on a rack in the next room, a far cry from the long pants the eight of them are wearing; and you really do like the look you've been given, but the thought of sitting around cold before you had to was less than enticing. "I was going to go and change in a minute."
"Maybe you should swap with someone," I.N suggests slyly. "I bet Changbin would look good in a skirt."
"Changbin's pants wouldn't fit me," you throw back, and he has to turn away from the camera to hide the ugly laugh that snorts from his nose. "He's too-"
Short, you don't say, your eyes tracking the boy in question as he passes by. He pauses in the back of your video when he notices your eyes on him, looks between you suspiciously, and then dances his way out of frame, having decided, you guess, that you aren't up to anything worthy of comment.
The look you share with I.N almost makes you laugh again. "I'm going," you say, scooping up your camera as you stand, "before he realises we're talking about him."
---
"Why do you look nervous?" Chan asks, a shadow that suddenly stands beside you as someone clips a mic pack onto his belt. You eye him in disbelief to avoid turning to look at the hallway that leads to the stage again, trying to figure out if he's joking or not.
"I can be nervous if I want to," you answer after a few seconds, in a way that definitely doesn't hide how anxious you feel at all.
"But you shouldn't be," he insists, "because there's nothing to be nervous about."
"You know that won't stop me," you scoff.
He cracks a smile despite himself. He almost laughs, except that he's busy turning to nod in acknowledgement of whatever the assistant behind him says on her way past. "It's going to be a good performance," he says, like the simple act of saying it is enough to manifest it into existance, like he would never believe otherwise.
"It's going to be good," you agree readily. "The concerts next week are going to be good too."
That smile flashes across his face again, his eyes lighting up. "You're excited?" he asks - and you almost feel guilty, that he would think that you wouldn't be excited, that you've worked so hard and put on such a stoic face that any of them might start to think this is a chore for you, rather than a dream coming true in front of your eyes.
"Of course I'm excited," you tell him emphatically, before he can get any ideas. "I can't wait to-"
"Y/N noona!" Changbin says as he strides across the room, stopping the thought halfway through. You turn to face him and the phone he waggles in his hand questioningly. "Take a photo with me."
"Right now?" you ask, looping your in-ears over your shoulders as if to demonstrate just how poor his timing is.
Changbin doesn't notice at all. "Why not now?" he questions. "I'm supposed to take a photo for instagram. Come and take one with me."
Beside you, Chan looks like he still has something to say, but when you glance at him, he only shrugs, turning away to fiddle with his own equipment. "Alright," you agree easily and follow Changbin, over to a bland enough piece of wall with decent lighting. You have a feeling someone has already scouted the room earlier for the best places to take photos, judging by how easy it is to find and how well it photographs.
It's a good distraction from the nerves for a few minutes, but it doesn't last much longer than that; especially not when Changbin barks and fusses over the angle and the faces, and then Hyunjin comes wandering over to take the camera out of his hand, and you realise that he's occupying you as much as doing what Skijigi have asked him to do. After that, you laugh and poke fun back at him with just the same vivacity, but it does nothing to assauge the anxiety that's planted deep in your gut, roots curling out to envelop you.
Somehow, when you're done, it is time to go up to the stage - and suddenly, you are engulfed within the group and walking that hallway you had been staring at what feels like moments ago, trying to swallow with a dry mouth and a stone in your throat and wondering if you'll actually be able to get any of the notes out at all.
Chan's hand touches your shoulder as you walk, appearing by your side in just the same way as he had earlier. You wonder if he can smell fear or something; or if you really are just that pale and drawn in the face, if your hands are shaking or something. Whatever it is, you're clearly not doing a very good job of hiding it.
"You still look nervous," he tells you cheerily, and if he's aware that he's reading your thoughts, he doesn't give any indication of it, not even as he pulls you aside as you reach side-stage and glances up at the huddle of boys that continue to the bottom of the stairs, eyeing them as if there's something he doesn't want them to hear.
"I got you something," he says, when he's sure there are no eavesdroppers, and lets his lips curve in a secretive, delighted smile.
Your eyebrow raises in surprise, almost certain that he did not forget, but rather has been looking for the right time to bring it up - but he doesn't notice the look of disbelief, fishing a small, velvet bag out of his pocket. He offers it to you on an outstretched palm, a bridge to form the gap between you.
With timid, shaking fingers you take it, noting the pink that stains his cheeks and the way he cringes away from meeting your eye as you pull the drawstrings loose. "I saw you playing with the ones at K-Con," he hurries to explain before you can even see what's inside. "And you - fidget a lot. I thought it might help."
A ring tumbles out of the bag and into your palm, the full stop to the end of his sentence. It's only a plain silver band, softly curved at the edges and gleaming where the light hits it - nothing ostentatious or gaudy. Just a simple band for you to twist around your finger, the letters SKZ engraved on its inner circle.
"Thankyou," you manage to say as you slip it onto your finger - and then fiddle with it, twisting it and forth to distract yourself from the nervous hum that seems to hang in the air between you.
"Oh, no." He waves you away before you can even get the words out, that pink flushing his face. "Look, it works already."
You glance down at your fingers and the twist of the ring, and feel the grin that bites at your face. "I like it," you admit, and try to breathe the nervous jitters out of your chest with the words.
He looks...relieved? You're not sure, when the music blasts on stage and then cuts off and the crowd roars in response, cutting him off before he can say whatever it is that now lines the back of his teeth. It looks like relief on his face though; as if he'd been worried you wouldn't take the gift or something. Wouldn't see the sentiment behind it even if you didn't like it. What does he think of you, if that's how he thinks you might react?
The thought sends another thrill of fear down your spine, one that the scrape of that ring on your finger can't quiet. So does the scream of that crowd - adrenaline rises from your chest, wrapping its hands around your throat; that wild, senseless energy tensing in your body like you're about to run from a fight-
A hand claps your shoulder. "Are you breathing?" Seungmin asks, balancing on one foot as he leans around you to frown at your face.
You have to inhale to retort, and he smirks. "That's what I was wondering," Chan says behind that grin - but the brush of his hand over the back of yours is much softer; questioning, rather than the jolt of contact from Seungmin.
"I don't need to breathe," you throw at them weakly. "I'm a robot."
"How do I turn you off, then?" Chan asks, and then laughs when you stare at him, surprised. Betrayed, maybe, when you would have expected such a thing to come out of Seungmin's mouth rather than his.
You're distracted by the call of a staff member, waiting to usher you onto the stage - and there, again, are your nerves, returned in two-fold. Debut, you remember again for the thousandth time today. Your dream. Your reward. Your life's work, the only work you've ever learnt how to do.
The group huddle together, say some quick words of encouragement that float past you with registering at all. Your hand is warm in the centre of all of theirs, crushed by the weight of someone's palm as eight hands go down and whoever is on the bottom goes up, ruining the whole thing. You know that you laugh, between the groans and cries of retribution, but it doesn't reach right into your chest. All your attention is laser-focused on the steps before you and the buzz of the crowd waiting beyond.
You are not alone in your daze, at least. Many hands pat your shoulders, smooth your hair. Felix throws an arm around you until you reach the stairs, a one-armed hug while he talks about something in your ear. He lets you go while you climb, and follows on your heels out onto the stage.
The crowd is smaller than K-Con, to your mercy, even if they scream and cheer just as loud as that massive crowd had. It seems like a stupid thing to find comfort in a moment later, when the thought hits you again; of course the crowd is smaller. This is only a broadcast recording, not the concerts that leer at your from the near future.
Some of the boys are already at the centre of the stage, waving and talking to fans. You join them long enough for the official greeting - and then melt away into the background when Changbin immediately commands attention. You find Han there with you, arms swinging by his sides in one last warmup, but you can't think of anything to say other than the tight grin that offers itself to him, no doubt writing all you nerves right onto your face. The smile he gives you in return is sympathetic, and devoid of pretty words to go with it; just a flash of teeth, a puff of air that blows into his cheeks before exhaling. It's a little comfort, at least.
The call to begin shatters any calm it pulls over you just as quickly as it arrives though, the stage a hive of activity as everyone finds their places. For a long moment, no one moves and nothing plays, the tense, still seconds ticking by at an excruciating pace-
And then the music starts.
And then you dance.
And then you sing, loud and clear and bright - and steady, even with the complex movement of your body and the increasing cry of your chest for air.
The finale rises and culminates with Felix's voice, standing at the end of the line behind you. You feel his weight bump against you as he shifts on his feet, hear the moment of silence and then the renewed cheer of the crowd when his ending fairy comes up on the screens. You can't see when it ends, so you count to five before you turn, ducking out of the line as requested and immediately finding the red light of the camera that was told to be waiting for you. Finger hearts, Felix had suggested backstage and Hyunjin had agreed, and so that is what you give them, angled just so by your cheek and the giddy smile that had been pulling on your lips before the music was even finished.
The stage goes silent, the few scattered beginnings of applause quickly throttled by the hands that remain in their laps. The seconds tick by at a glacial pace, the smile threatening to slip from your face. You glue it there with all the fire that remains in your veins.
You could swear the camera lingers, just to drink in your pain. Logically, you know it is the same time as Felix had. Somehow, the thought isn't comforting.
Finally, that lense clicks off and the boys move around you, giving the crowd something else to hawk and squeal at. Something they really want to see, you allow yourself to think acerbically, and carefully avoid looking any of them in the eye as you do your forced, casual wander off the stage. It is hard enough to achieve in your own bubble, to resist that urge to run, let alone if you catch anything like sympathy on their faces.
The first one below, you take one look at the playback monitor and excuse yourself to the staff, fleeing towards the bathrooms. You're dimly aware of footsteps behind you and the sound of your name, but they do not process and your feet won't stop - not until the heavy door slams shut behind you and the propel of your walk carries you in sight of the mirror over the sinks-
Beautiful, you'd dared to think earlier, staring vindictively at just the same image that looks back at you now. The careful fit of the navy shirt, the short skirt flattering the length and lines of your legs, the layered bangles and the diamonds that glitter around your neck...perfectly crafted to slip right in amongst the silk and patterns of the boys - and not unlike Midnight's dark queen concept either, the concept you hadn't had the right look for. You'd even liked your face, and the unearthly glow they'd painted into your cheeks, the perfect frame of your dark hair-
But something had displeased that crowd. Whether the look, or the dancing, or stupid, stubborn pettiness over girlish crushes - or all of it put together. It took a lot to silence an entire crowd. You knew that - you'd seen one refuse to be silenced before, but never nominally refuse to cheer. Never pass the sentiment around and come to an absolute mutual agreement.
It's a talent, to be able to do that by yourself, you think as you stare into your own eyes in the mirror; and you don't have it in you to deny the rush of feelings that wells in your chest this time, or the hot prick of tears in your eyes. Your thoughts are swept off in the storm, the questions clamouring, crying, begging for one answer; why, why, why, why. Why do they hate you, why are they so mean about it, why didn't you just go home? Why did you ever come to this country in the first place? Why id you think you were good enough to be worth their love?
A soft knock on the door precedes the tentative entry of an assistant; one of the girls from JYP that always travels with you on schedules. You know her name, but you should know her better; instead, you've just been keeping to yourself. Another point of failure, probably.
"Y/N?" she says, daring to put one foot through the door as you blink and nod in acknowledgement. "Sorry - we need to start heading back now. You can have another moment - if you need-"
"I'm coming," you hurry to say; and it is shame that colours your cheeks and gives you the strength again to swallow it down like a hard stone. The tears burn as you blink them away, as you stare at the mirror and decide that no more will fall except for the traitorous three that have already escaped. You'll have to go back on that stage - you won't go red-eyed and puffy, won't give them that satisfaction.
You'll have to do that ending again too, though. Weather that storm a second time. Well, you'll just have to make sure this take is perfect, and then no one will ask for a third. You'll be able to go home and hide.
Your moment is up. You know that, and so you turn yourself away from the mirror, to the girl that waits. She willingly averts her eyes as she steps out, holding the door for you until you grip the edge of it with your own hand and follow her.
Chan is waiting in the hallway, leaning against the wall and staring at nothing as he waits. There's a dark anger in his eyes when he turns, but it isn't for you - no, the tissue box in his hand is for you, offered like a bridge that spans the gap between you.
Warily, you draw one and turn aside to dab at your eyes and try to cool the burn in your cheeks. You want to cringe away from yourself and hide in the bathroom again, to put off facing him until he goes away - but if you do that, he'll know you're hiding, and the hovering assistant will bear the blame of not bringing you back, and those fans will think they know why it's taking so long-
Stupid. They already know that they've won. Chan can see you crying. There's no one left to make a fool of except yourself.
"Are you alright?" Chan asks - and just like you thought, there is none of that anger in the gentle voice that asks.
"It's fine," you answer, biting at your tongue agains the tears that threaten to stir anew. "Sorry. I just needed - a moment. I'm ready to go again."
"Take another moment," he tells you.
"I'd rather go," you say, and it comes out harsher than you mean it to - but it is only the tears that you are fighting, that horrible, gut-wrenching wave of emotion that wants to wash over you. "I'm fine. Really."
The tissue crushes in your palm. You wonder if the sceptical look he gives you is because of the makeup you've surely smudged, or if he just doesn't believe you. "Are you sure?" he asks, and you steel yourself as you breathe in.
"I will be if we don't talk about it," you tell him tightly, and then you take the lead before he can disagree. He falls into step willingly anyway, thoughtful or maybe brooding as you weave your way back to the stage.
"We're not doing the endings again," he tells you as you approach, right as the flock of makeup artists engulf you. Like they knew you'd be crying, you think acerbically, and then banish the thought before it can unbalance you again.
"Were there any notes for me?" you ask as a brush dusts your cheek. The dancing; that's the only thing you need to focus on. The performance. Do it perfectly, and you can escape. Subconsciously, you fingers find the ring, twisting it around and around.
"Not for you," Chan says. "Just try to enjoy it again, yeah?"
Several choice comments come to mind as you gaze at him, each one as dry and hurt as the last, but a look at the occupants of the room stills your tongue. Assistants and stylists and employees of the show - people that you shouldn't be caught speaking ill of fans or members in front of. You've read your contracts and the company ethics, seen the bill for your training attached to your name. You know how far fans and a good public image takes even the most insidious people.
"I'll try," you promise instead, firmly holding your tongue to your principals. No point complaining about hardships anyway. This isn't an industry that takes pity on those who are too weak to survive it.
Even so, the answer seems vapid and contrived the moment it spills out of your mouth. Chan doesn't have time to contest it; the others are already returning to the stage to entertain that undeserving crowd, and so you must follow too, side by side in silence. His microphone passes restlessly from hand to hand, even when you step on stage and his brow smoothes out. You wonder how long that rage will simmer beneath his skin.
Until he can do something about it, a little voice whispers to you with a thrill, watching his receding back.
The stage sweeps you away after that, Chan disappearing into the midst of the others with just one last glance over his shoulder to make sure that you're following. Seungmin replaces him, appearing unobtrusively in your shadow as Felix slings an arm back around your shoulders and bats his hand away from messing with your hair. They flank you until you drift into your position, and then the stage goes quiet so that the music can start again.
The dance flies by; chorus, verse, bridge, dance break. The fans cheer and chant along as dutifully as they had the first time, but the sound resonates hollow in your chest this time, the faces that you give the camera manufactured rather than brought on by the music. It's hard to forget, now that you know the truth, that those cheers aren't for you; only the boys that surround you, their bodies moving in unison with yours. Part of them, and yet set apart.
You'd come six years ago expecting to be the jewel in that kind of crown, you think. This crowd has made you the flaw, ugly and unmistakably out of place.
It's a relief when the song ends and you can let go, your shoulders slumping and your chin dropping to your chest as you stare at the floor and try to breathe. A hundred emotions sweep by you, there and then swallowed again by the storm that churns in your stomach; you flinch away from the crowd's laughter at something Han does, and then laugh when Changbin's face appears upside-down in your field of vision, his body contorted strangely in an effort to meet your eyes. There's still something hiding in Chan's eyes and Felix is openly angry, but Minho gives nothing away in the nod he gives you as he passes by. Changbin talks about what to get for dinner on the way back down the stairs, but the words just wash over you; you're not hungry anyway, after all of this, just hollow and restless and tired.
Your third filming trudges by much the same, correcting a small mistake by Han in the pursuit of perfection. The boy looks apologetic as he passes you by, but it's not him or the dancing that you resent. It's just a thing you have to do, until all nine of you are pleased, until you can finally leave that stage and draw the hoodie you'd worn here on a very different kind of morning back over your head and climb into a car to go home.
You don't win any awards. The boys hide their disappointment, but you know it is there. You know, too, where the fan vote went and why that trophy was stolen away from them.
You're not really sure what anyone expects you to do about it.
---
TAGLIST
@kokinu09 @rainfallingfromthesky @lixie-phoria @mysweethannie @chlodavids
@hanniemylovelyquokka @tfshouldidohere @lauraliisa @puppysmileseungmin @kalopsian-thoughts
@puppy-minnie @readerofallthingss @dvbkie099 @kthstrawberryshortcake-main @acker-night
@d-chagi @lynlyndoll @borahae-reads @ihrtlix @yienmarkk
@minhwa @i2innie @jinnie-ret @conwunder @amesification
@starssongs98 @weirdhumanbeinglol @morinuu @the-weird-mold-in-the-sink @bokkiesplace
@amyyscorner @jiisungllvr @skzstaykatsy @blackhairandbangs @jungkookies1002
@hyuuukais @imsiriuslyreal @thatonedemigodfromseoul @gini143 @mercurywritesstuff
@splat00z @filmbypsh @palindrome969 @crabrangoongirl25 @enzos-shit
@jabmastersupriseee @kayleefriedchicken @hynjinswrld @duhgurl @cheshireshiya
@keepswingin
#stray kids#stray kids smau#skz smau#bang chan#bang chan x reader#chan x reader#lee minho#lee know#han jisung#skz han#seo changbin#changbin#hwang hyunjin#hyunjin#kim seungmin#seungmin#I.N#yang jeongin#felix#yongbok#lee felix#roo writes#queenmaker
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Ok I am reading linear GH instead of working and this anon is honestly unreal - I love that they put the parts too with the dates! I am just jotting a few things that really stuck out to me and showcase your fucking GENIUS. The way you carried the themes of timing, trust, soulmates throughout everything is amazing, and its honestly fucking bananas that you were churning out a chapter a week at the beginning of this.
September 2017 (Part 3) - Facetiming
"Because as long as it’s Azzi on the other side, Paige and her impatient self can wait however long it takes."
"The younger girl makes Paige feel like it’s okay if she takes a moment to just breathe. Because Azzi will wait. Because Azzi won’t leave Paige behind."
July 2018 - I don't have a lot to note about this one but its very cute and innocent that you made Belarus be their first kiss considering they were already… well
October 2022 (Part 10) - Paige birthday surprise
a straight male flight attendant is a wild choice Nivi
"That smile, Azzi thinks, might just be the reason her world keeps turning." -> ok you use this later on when Azzi is watching Paige carry Stephie into curry camp. I can't
April 2025 (Part 14) - ARMAGEDDON
oh wow I feel like having the failed proposal so early on is going to really impact how the rest of the story feels
May 2025 (Part 11) - First Wings Game
oh my god reading the proposal then Paige's breakdown after her first Wings game is too much honestly
"Paige finds herself longing for the cold, unfeeling exterior of a foreign hotel room." -> wow you use this again when talking about how Paige prefers the hotel room when ASW is in Dallas. Comparing that to how instantly at home she feels with Azzi and Stephie in Oakland makes me wanna combust.
August 2025 (Part 8) - ASW Slow Dance
Reading them drunk slow dancing outside behind the club so soon after the proposal is truly heartbreaking and I shed a tear (or 10)
April 2027 (Part 12) - Dallas Surprise
ok seeing the gap between August 2025 and Azzi seeing Polivia when she goes to Dallas… I am kind of wondering if anything happened in the 1.5 year gap in-between… besides Olivia sinking her acrylics into Paige
May 2027 (Part 12) - PREG
I picture Tristan looking like Tyler from this past season of love is blind - good looking light skinned guy with a breeding fetish (not a parenting desire thought lol)
It will never not amaze/impress me how you managed to make Stephie exist because of Paige in two different ways
December 2027 (Part 5) - Polivia Matrimony
reading the pre-wedding phone call HITS SO MUCH HARDER with all the context. Dear god.
Drew really doesn't hold back when he dislikes the person his sister is romantically involved with eh?
"hey there little bean. I’m your-” she stops because what is she, “I’m your Paige,” -> MOMMY
August 2028 (Part 7) - LA olympics
I love that we go from the wedding to this relationship being in absolutely shambles
I've said it before I'll say it again, Olivia is so valid for fucking hating Azzi
April 2029 (Part 8) - Paige Drunk Phonecall
Wow Clem must think Paige is an absolute barbarian based off that phone call
September 2029 (Part 2) - Paige Stephie meet
This one hit really hard too when read in context. Paige has for sure seen pics of Stephie on Instagram or on the sidelines at games and thought about Azzi being a mother, actually holding that little bean would be so emotional.
April 2030 (Part 9) - HUMPIN
Reaaaallly didn't take much for them to get back into bed
August 2031 (Part 13) - ASW Hoodie Autograph
This is another gap that sticks out to me when put in context. Like they had sex and then nothing for 1.5 years when they briefly cross paths again. Obviously Azzi was busy with a toddler but without even Olivia to distract her I can imagine Paige just being so depressed wallowing in Dallas.
August 2032 (Part 13) - LAST TIME
Again seeing this in sequence stood out to me as they had sex SIX MONTHS before the story technically 'starts'… and of course have an argument/encounter that is pretty intense. I have to admit I thought it was a bit out of place how ANGRY they were in chapter one and how much they didn't want to encounter each other let alone be on the same team, especially given the fact that they had slept together a few times and had non-angry interactions. The balcony scene here really puts things in perspective. All they want is each other, but they are so damn stupid lol
February 2033 (Part 2) - Paige signs contract/ice cream date
Ok it is actually so funny that when we first got this chapter and Paige saying "“She was the most beautiful girl in the world,” “she still is.” seemed like a really bold move of Paige… in context they fucked 6 months ago its not bold at all
March 2033 (Part 5) - "It wasn't over, it still isn't over" notebook scene in Steph's office
Alright this is getting really long but I will echo what other people have said… they got together SO QUICKLY. Wild considering I remember when getting the weekly updates being so impatient for them to get together but they are making out/'taking it slow' like … 3 days after P moves to Oakland
ANYWHOOOO You are the best and I can't wait for the rest of the story ❤️❤️ 🦫🦫
Thank you my love, that means a lot to me. To be fair, those first few chapters were relatively shorter than the ones I've put out more recently and honestly, the story was still relatively simpler back then.
LMFAO I wasn't even thinking about male attendant stereotypes while writing that ngl
I want to pretend that some of these repeated lines were intentional artistic genius, but I have to admit that it is at least partially just me running out of things to say lmao.
I lowkey forget the drunk slow dancing scene exists but yeah that was for sure an insane moment of them
Polivia sounds like polio which sounds like a disease which makes sense...
But I don't think much happen in those one and half years, especially because they barely see each other the first half of it, since Azzi's not in the W yet and then their first year with both of them in the W is just very awkward, but every time they see each other other, Azzi especially, they miss each other.
Drew did everything in his power to stop that wedding lol
Olivia is valid in every single feeling she feels to be honest like that girl suffered for absolutely no mistake of her own
All they needed to fuck was a little bit of liquor and both of them single lol
Paige was either sulking and celibate of fucking every woman with a pulse that year but it's up to interpretation for y'all what happened the year after the divorce
Ahh I'm so glad you mentioned this because really I think a lot of how they behave only really starts to make sense after you've gotten all of the events and Linear anon putting the events in order makes it all make more sense. They're angry at each other because the argument is fresh and it's also easy for them to fall back into each other, because if we're being real, they already had relapsed a couple of time.
LMFAO yeah it took them literally a second which wasn't my original plan. I was gonna have a lot more back and forth but I also felt like they were in a place, where sort of going too fast just happened naturally and added to the conflict later on.
#ask#fic talk#veryyy excited for linear anon to put the next parts of the story into order as well if they feel like it!
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I forgot to add my recurring issue with Keyleth in TLOVM: lack of explanation regarding what the Aramante actually is, or who the Ashari are. I think s3 offers the most detailed info regarding it (I would normally check, but I've cancelled my Amazon subscription) but from what I recall, it's still vague, implied answers.
The lack of clarity regarding Keyleth and the Ashari and Aramente impacts her characterisation and story impact. We don't know that her mother disappeared, the unknown of what happened to her haunting Keyleth's own actions in the Aramente. We don't know about the four planes, what they are, what the Ashari do. We gather that Keyleth is doing vague Avatar shit, but not of the fundamental worldbuilding differences between them (EG there's multiple planes with their own Masters) or that Keyleth, once completing, will out live them all (season three does go into this, but the way they explain it it's like we already know, because of a season two mention? but they don't explain why?)
It being vague means there's a lack of understanding of what Keyleth is even doing, or that she has different goals from most of the party than just 'vague adventuring shit' (arguably only Percy has clear, set goals outside of 'adventuring party'). There's a lack of understanding about the urgency she feels with the Fire Ashari, or the cultural links she has with them, so the emotional impact in season three is muted. Her backstory is all rushed past, a few cursory lines of dialogue -- we're meant to impart this information.
All this vagueness regarding Keyleth's storyline reduces Keyleth to the only thing they have gone into depth for: her romance with Vax. At the end of it all, the Aramente only seems to matter in its relation with Vaxleth, and that's just depressing.
Okay this is what I dislike about Keyleth’s storyline in season three of TLOVM, and the Vaxleth romance.
Here’s what is happens between them:
Keyleth in episode one, is angry at Raishan and the group for choosing to work with her. She is ready for a relationship with Vax, who pushes her away.
Then in episode three, we reiterate that she is ready for a relationship with Vax, who is pushing her away. Throughout the eps we get a reminder that Keyleth is mad at Vax for this. Vax is the problem.
In episode six, Vax and Keyleth have an awkward convo.
In episode eight, Vax and Keyleth sleep together after Percy’s death. Things can change at any moment, they’re better off for acting on their feelings.
Episode ten: Keyleth fucks off, angry at Vax and the othere for not listening to her over Raishan
Episode eleven: we are told that Keyleth needs to open her heart up to love and Vax. She does so, level up, she forgives Vax.
Episode twelve: Keyleth uses her power up to body Raishan solo. Her and Vax are together.
The problem is that Keyleth’s romance storyline is very disconnected from her storyline with Raishan, and they try and tie them together at the end and fail to do so.
Keyleth doesn’t have an issue with letting Vax love her. She loves him at the start. Vax has the problem. He’s the one who needs to learn to let Keyleth in. This in contrast to the campaign, where Keyleth is the more hesitant member. It takes her a while to be ready for Vax. Vax is happy to wait for her. In TLOVM, from the start of s3, Keyleth doesn’t have this problem, she’s ready and waiting. She is ready to be vulnerable with Vax, she wants him, even when they disagree over Raishan at the start.
But then, we’re told Keyleth has a problem with loving Vax. But she doesn’t. She just feels betrayed and confused over the group’s support of Raishan. So what she need to work through is managing conflict with the group, her morals and sense of betrayal. I think being a leader means that you are able to manage these feelings of betrayal.
Letting herself love Vax helps ground her, then she passes the Earth Trial.
I do get that it’s meant to be ‘let yourself love him even if he hurts you sometimes’ BUT it does feel like we’re yo-yoing motivations for Keyleth here. She was ready for Vax to love her after Percy died, despite him hurting her in the previous episodes.
By focussing on Vax, we don’t get to the root issues Keyleth has with Raishan. She’s grieving her people, and feels anger and rage. The solution is she needs to love. But what if it happens again, when someone lets her down who isn’t Vax?
Instead her solution is to just murder Raishan solo, but she doesn’t learn to lean on anyone, or let anyone in who isn’t Vax.
There’s a line in the death letter in the campaign from Percy to Vox Machina, the part addressed to Keyleth: learn to forgive the world for not living up to your standards. It can be considered patronising, but it’s true. Keyleth is the most moral, ‘preachy’ member of Vox Machina. TLOVM avoids this characterisation — I think it’s fine in season one where she’s finding her inner strength but should be leaning into her morality after she finds her voice. After all, wouldn’t being leader of the air Ashari mean you’d confront these problems all day? But taking focus away from Keyleth’s problems with Raishan (that aren’t just ‘VM betrayed me over her’) and making the resolution just be loving Vax, we’re not confronting or delving into Keyleth as a character in her own right. It attempts to, but the yo-yo nature of the Vaxleth relationship in season three just means we spend more time on arguments and less time on the deeper reasons why they’re at odds.
What I would propose:
Ep 1: Vax and Keyleth both mutually agree that they’re not able to be in a relationship: Keyleth unsure about it outliving everyone (cut Vax’s stupid visions) and Vax is unsure of his destiny with the RQ. This cuts out the repetitive arguments and conflict in the first half. They’re both on the same page, they’re just both stupid.
Cut the ep 3 argument (don’t worry humour lovers, Vax can still be outside her door, wondering if he should knock so he bumps into Percy).
Eps 4-6, Instead of Keyleth being mad at Vax, focus more in on Keyleth’s general rage and grief at Raishan. Vax wants to comfort her but neither are allowing themselves to get too close.
Keep ep 6 awkward chat after the hot tub.
Keep ep 8 banging, but before this add in Percy’s death letter (to make everything extra sad)
Ep 10-11 (I’d rework Ripley’s death to be Ep 7 or 8 so Keyleth isn’t alone) but have Keyleth’s trial be more about the group as a whole and how the people around her ground her to face problems: she can’t do this solo, that completing her trials means she needs to understand leadership, and it means working with people she thinks are going to be wrong, and that includes her friends, and how to navigate that and let the anger go. She talks with Grog before the trial about how he controls his rage: it’s family.
Then Keyleth bodies Raishan with the help of her friends in Ep 12 :) then Vaxleth smooch
Keyleth in the campaign is the most moral and preachy member. Some said it was annoying, I say it’s interesting. But in TLOVM, her arc is flattened down and tied to romance. Vax is incredibly important to her in the campaign but he’s not the only thing that matters to her.
But alas, romance over characterisation or themes is a predominant issue in TLOVM, especially with Vaxleth.
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Hi. I know she went inactive a long time ago because she was sick, but do you know anything about apagewithaview? I was just wondering how she was doing, and I hope everything is okay.
Sorry for the late answer! I saw this ask and actually fell into a deep dive of my emails because I thought we had emailed at one point after she deactivated, but perhaps not?
Very sad to report, I have not had any contact with her since then, and I really miss her. One time she sent me original Beatles fan memorabilia (small buttons!!) from the 60's (I still have them!!) and every time I see them I think of her.
If anyone else has spoken to her or heard how she's doing, please let me know!
#anonymous#the other day I was thinking about how I used to have this REALLY tightknit group of people on bookstagram#and now I speak to ONE of them like twice a year#bookstagram became so commodified#and i'm not saying I'm perfect#I never got paid for an IG post#but I did get arcs and stuff in return#I do and i don't miss it#i don't miss the pressure of posting but i miss that group of friends#tag rambles#just feeling the seasonal depression i think
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random throwback to fabio's response to casey saying he should've been black flagged for the whole open leathers situation
#'he is at home and he likes to fish' is truly superb#//#brr brr#heretic tag#current tag#i was reminded of this in a very roundabout way... seeing a social media graphic celebrating fabio making q2#which is like. yes that's nice. but that's also inherently extremely depressing lbr#and i was kinda thinking how... look obviously people don't ignore it and yes the novelty has worn off after last year#but it feels like what's happened to fabio should STILL be getting more attention than it is. like it is a major injustice#that also no past stars of the sport are regularly having hot takes about! they mostly just ignore him!#i do sometimes link casey and fabio in my head. roughly the same age gap to the all-time-great hazing them during their rookie seasons#the only riders within their manufacturers able to wring performance out of their bikes over the course of several seasons#who suffered a competitive decline as their manufacturers went the wrong way#now obviously casey's 2010 is nowhere close to as abysmal as fabio's 2024 but. y'know. and at least casey got to leave for pastures greener#anyway given all that. it is funny that like their one significant interaction is fabio dismissing casey as a fisher#which ironically is of course a deeply casey line. casey had a whole thing about how retired riders should maybe know to stfu#“i have seen the real face of some with whom i had a good relationship” EXTREMELY casey line#and thus the cycle of life continues#(though casey was obviously right here lol)#ofc the main difference between the pair of them is that fabio at heart is a lover and casey is. not that
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House's tendency to rationalize feelings away and being frustrated at himself for still feeling them. It's hurting me 😢
At the end of 05x04 Birthmarks he did a paternity test... And even after it turned out that John wasnt his father, he was still drinking his whiskey, because it didn't mean anything that John wasn't his biological father, because things are still the same.
He's still sad, he's still depressed. The dipshit of a man passing still made him sad. And the thought that he can't even rationalize it away as hatred upsets him. And so he drinks.
And to that Wilson said no one can choose their parents... Because House rejects John as his paternal figure and yet deep inside, House still called him his dad.
#i think everything he said at John's eulogy was real. he meant every word#of course if his mother wasnt there he would be a lot meaner#but he meant it.#house pushes people away because hes scared of being hurt#hes an asshole because nobody connects with an asshole and thus everyone is at arms length at best#and yet when people leave him he still mourns#his ducklings from season 3#wilson in season 5#and even that dipshit of a man john house#and idk its. it makes me sad#it just doesnt have to be this way#i want him to chase happiness and i want him to be happy#instead he just refuses it because happiness is associated with pain#because everyone leaves him in the end#im so sad#house md#gregory house#greg house#doctor house#not to say that people cant reject their parents and feel no remorse for their death#its just that house... that sensitive man#that depressed fearful man#he cant do that. because deep down he craves that connection#he wishes his father were better. he wishes he was the man his father wanted him to be#which makes it even more painful to observe
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I'm living cute queer teenage experience vicariously through Heartstopper and you not allowed to judge me
#actually the first part of this season is hitting kinda close to home so fuck you for making me cry just on the SECOND episode how dare you#I want to feel queer joy for this fictional teenagers and I will#I didn't get to experience all this teenage bullshit thanks to depression and homophobia#so you have no idea how good this is to see something like this even just on the screen#I love everything about this season#like rn I think this is the best season so far#heartstopper season 3#charlie spring#nick nelson#nick and charlie#tao xu#elle argent#isaac henderson#tori spring#darcy olsson#tara jones#darcy and tara#heartstopper
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starting to feel my enjoyment of cooking seeping back in after a long period of intense burnout that had me really slogging along preparing meals with gritted teeth for a good month there. i credit the return of this spark to the much needed break i took on our 3 day vacation that resulted in us eating solely theme park food. while delicious, in all its greasy overpriced glory, i found myself missing the kitchen. so last night for dinner i made heavily spiced chicken wings with crushed peppercorns and garam masala that rendered slowly in its own fat while roasting in the oven, resulting in flavorful charred crisp skin and a really juicy bite. we picked them clean over steamed rice with lime and scallions. i also baked a loaf of marbled pumpkin and dark chocolate bread yesterday for my neighbor as a thank you for doing me a favor last week. it looked delicious. the crumb was tender and plush and velvety, the spiced ginger molasses pumpkin batter swirling alongside the bitter dark chocolate espresso batter, with puddles of dark chocolate bubbling across its top. it looked so lovely i whipped up a second one for us to have for ourselves that's in the oven now, i think it could be a really good breakfast pastry for us this week.
#ugh it feels sooooooooo good to be enjoying cooking again#it was so bad the last like month or so i just#have been sooooo burnt out#it's genuinely insane what a 3 day vacation can do to reset you :(( it makes me sad lol#i wish that everyone could rest to their hearts content forever#i think i am someone who is extremely prone to burnout and i need about quadruple the amount of quiet alone resting time#that the average person does#so when i get burned out its like excruciating to pull myself out of it again#but im also the primary cook of my household so there isn't really time to take a break and recharge and find my joy for it because#we have to eat lol#3 times a day#every day#forever#BUT#i am feeling so much better about things now after making that dinner and baking a little bit#its feeling soooo autumnal around here lately too which helps#the changing of the seasons is so good for my cooking motivationg#idk#i was feeling pretty depressed that i was starting to resent cooking for a while there since when i enjoy it it's like#life-giving#soul sustaining#wonderful hobby that gives my life purpose and meaning#and it was breaking my heart that i wasn't feeling that way anymore#but i can feel myself coming back#writing about food helps me too#something about describing it#and sharing it with other people who are delighted by it#makes me enjoy it a little extra#sigh#i feel like im returning to myself finally !!!
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“Mike wheeler’s armpit of a basement”
“I’ve seen Mike’s room look worse than this”
“I was being a total self pitying idiot”
“Why am I the bad guy”
“One day she’s going to realize that I’m just some random nerd”
“At least Lois Lane is an ace reporter for the Daily Planet”
“I’ve been bullied my whole life”
“Mike��s always whining about it”
“And yet you still have a C in Spanish”
“You can’t even write it Mike”
“You made it super clear that you’re not interested in anything I have to say”
“-and if I said that thing then maybe she’d want me there with her, wherever she is”
“The bad government dudes are after your super-girlfriend right? Right?! Okay, so, maybe the cops can help us find out where she is because they’re gonna kill her, man. And if they kill her, there gonna kill us!”
“Oh, no, no, no, no- it’s a shitty knock off, yeah”
“Who’s that twig with her?”
“That doesn’t mean he’s wrong. I mean, if that guy would’ve lived one more second- one more second- th- we could know where she is. Wh-why didn’t he just say the number? I-I should’ve explained myself, cuz then maybe, Eleven would’ve taken me with her and things would be different but I-I didn’t know what to say”
“And I feel like maybe I-I was worrying too much about El, and I don’t know, maybe I feel like I lost you or something”
“Y’know the last few days, I’ve had to think about the last talk we had. You know, before the cops and the whole word went to shit and everything? I- I guess- I just- I- I dunno- I guess I just wanted to- to say-”
“But… but what if after all of this is over… sh-she doesn’t need me anymore?”
“No I… it’s so stupid, given everything that’s going on. It’s just… I… I don’t know. I just”
“I, love you.”
Mike’s flopping on the floor like a miserable and suffocating fish out of water season. His friends make fun of him. Eddie made fun of his clothes. Karen told Dustin he’s welcome at the Wheeler’s anytime which implies that Mike isn’t really talking to his friends outside of school. Dustin and Mike didn’t know when Lucas’ basketball game was, which implies that they haven’t really been talking to Lucas a lot. Mike did call the Byers but wasn’t able to get through. El and Will are have been in Lenora for months and Mike hasn’t really been able to talk to either of them. El’s been lying to him in her letters and writing and signing letters is a reminder that he’s avoiding writing the word love. Everyone’s telling him that he’s doing something wrong. This kids going through it.
#Mike wheeler#byler#he’s got 0 self esteem#he’s been distancing himself from his friends#he’s got a history of depression/mental illness has a habit of striking back when you least expect it#he’s desperately trying to be normal#but he obviously doesn’t fit in with the freaks and losers like Dustin does#the only place he feels remotely alright being still isn’t right for him#he’s being confronted with not being able to tell el he loves her- and his sexuality#Will doesn’t call him#Nancy still doesn’t like him#and everytime I think about Mike in season four#I think about Will trying to knock some self confidence into him#and also Will looking concerned after Nancy made that comment about Mikes room#like that’s not normal for Mike. None of this is normal for Mike#and yet everyone’s just been like- yep. that’s Mike for you.#Will yelled at him once in episode two#and then picked up on Mike being moody and making comments to push people away#and not talking at breakfast. and then Will cut Mike a lot of slack after that#is Mike making good decisions? Hell no#but I think Will figured out that Mike is just struggling with everything. even if he doesn’t know what everything is.#Mike isn’t okay and that’s a problem because that’s the exact reason that everyone else got Vecna’d and yet they still can’t see it
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hey guys, sorry if I might not post art or interact with mutuals as much this week 😭 i havent had a great time these past few days, and I'm pretty out of energy 🫶 but i always have more energy on weekends + spring is just a couple of months away though, so hopefully I'll have fallen out of this funk by then :) so for now, I'll just be spam liking all of my mutuals posts lol 🫶 xxx ❤️❤️❤️
#blog#mental health(?)#probably mental health yeah 😭#interacting with my moots on here I think has genuinely helped me a ton and help make me feel Less Lonely™#but ermmmm 🤓🤓 I think the seasonal depression might be catching up with me#BUT!!! I always feel better in spring (which ig sounds dumb bc its SEASONAL depression 😭😭)#so I'll just tough it out til then like a REAL alpha wolf would 🐺💥#love you guys xoxo#rant
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#why am i not in a good mood this morning? i just feel annoyed at everything#i think it’s overwhelm from having so much to do for school and NO energy or motivation to do it#on top of work being somewhat physically tiring#and i have to work 8 hours today (and practically every sunday) so it’s been forever since i’ve been to church#and i can’t go to bible study because i have class those nights#i’m just. tired.#and maybe it’s seasonal depression or something? i felt the same way this time last year#i just want to be home. and lay in bed. and watch ouat while i take notes and slowly get through readings#and i won’t have any energy to do anything when i get home tonight#i haven’t even started and i’m tired#please pray for me i think i’m going to need some today#and maybe just this week in general
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shoutout to everyone else who just kind of feels dread and longing and generally just uncomfortable and shitty during christmas instead of whimsy and joy <3
#sunset speaks#no I'm not hyped for the season but I'm glad that people I love are getting giftsim happy for em at least#but just internally I just feel sucky man#I don't have seasonal depression just like..idk#christmas depression if that's even a thing?#????#I don't think so#mm rambling too much
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can i ask.how u guys practice ur creativity <3 how u practice ur imagination or like.. how u experiment with ur art, how u come to ideas and how u develop them.<3 pretty please <3
#smthing i have always struggled w.is feeling like i can only draw things that r handed 2 me.#as in.an idea or concept that already exists#chara or conflict that already exists.Scene that alr exists.#and i think it can be soo limiting bc when i have that sort of creative desire but nothing 2 reflect off of it#i feel like im unable to do anything/get anywhere bc im unable to do that mental legwork myself ykwim#like comic artists r SOOO JAW DROP INSPIRING TO MEE bc not only are u envisioning ur own sequences/situations#but u are able to imagine even the most MUNDANE interactions within those scenarios u know#like the transitory panels and the quiet moments and the every day stillness#and i feel like.its not even a poor attempt on my behalf its like.i cant Even attempt it.like my brain is soo empty#and soo static and noiseless that i am like gauhh......#i can practice lines all day long and practice colors and practice anatomy or Whatever bc its something concrete#and its in front of me and i can pry apart the physical technicalities until i understand it better#but my MIND???ABSTRACTION>? THOUGHTS .ough its so hard#and i really want to push past that but i dont know how and its so .. demoralizing to think that ill get there One Day but i feel#one million and two days away.and not making active process towards it.#i know the first step is to build ur visual library and i feel liek. idk i FEEL LIKEEE theres more 2 it that im missing#but also im depressed as hell n my job is killing my creative drive and the seasonal stuff isnt helping#so maybe i just need 2 give it time (true) but i also like.man i dont know. i want 2 do something w my hands#but everything ive been doing so far has felt soo .hard and fruitless and i definitely dont want 2 turn art into such a stressful thing#fruitless as in like.i dont get any personal satisfaction w it.idgaf abt monetization or algorithms or any of tht#but smtimes thats just what happens and i have 2 weather through and know ill be more equipped 4 this some other time#SAWRYYY IM ALWAYS GOING ON AND ONNN im nromal im normal<3 i just rly like art and it sucks balls whn it feels out of reach#sigh cry fart scroll.(:salute:)
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#it Has to get better soon right#this month can't be bad it's October it's our favourite month ever#but . it feels so.#we feel really. bad. and#sighs#I'll just... force it better#pk;m lullaby💮#the... seasonal depression's kicking in early i think. haha. fuck.
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no thoughts, just the way the narumi sisters are so different yet fundamentally similar at the same time yk?
#i love the functionally dysfunctional relationship of the narumi sisters to an unhealthy degree i think…#i’ve just been thinking about how both sisters put each other up on a high pedestal while having a less than high opinion of themselves and.#aaaaaaa just the way sena calls mona her angel while thinking of herself as a useless/subpar older sis#a n d how the main source of mona’s depression is her constant comparisons with her beloved big sis sena is just. aaaaa#just!!!! the way sena pushes herself past her limits in her attempts to portray herself as an ideal big sis for mona#even at the expense of her own health sometimes (see also: the beach sisters honeypre event)#i really feel like the way sena thinks she isn’t good enough of a big sis to mona is pretty glossed over for the most part tbh.. man.#(i have many thoughts on this tbh. none of them coherent)#and just. aaaaaaaaaaaa im really happy that both of them have great support systems (their families + [midori for sena]/[monacas for mona])#like. even though they don’t personally think they’re good enough compared to their ideals…#at least they have people who are there to love them for who they truly are. their true selves (honto no watashi) if you will—#idk i just wish both of them could see themselves exactly how their sister sees them…#b ut man i really want idol sengen season 2 just so that we may be able to see how sena reacts upon finding out what happens to the bracelet#i doubt they’ll show it in an mv but. man. i really want to know how she’ll react…#im probably misremembering and misinterpreting a bunch of stuff about sena huh… i miss her thoughhh#i miss seeing the sisters together tbh. i think the gen 3 sibling pairs should sing together a la tokyo [season] session style
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i keep feeling guilty about the like. state-sponsored employment counseling/resources i'm getting. (i basically have a case manager for job-hunting or continuing education, a work-health counselor to help me balance my disability/health needs with whatever work i end up doing, and uhhhh maybe a couple others i forgot.) but then i remember of the 10 years i've been out of school i've actually been full-time permanently employed for roughly 3 of them, and fully unemployed for about 3 of them as well. and i'm like oh yeah okay. i do actually need extra support & assistance.
#keeping it fun and funky fresh#personal#tales of work#matty's mental health#i need a chronic illness tag#(the remaining 4? years (that feels too low tho) i've done various part-time or full-time-but-seasonal work)#tbh when i think about it like this especially if i compare to. pretty much anybody else i know. it is very depressing#(thief of joy i KNOW but. how can you avoid it.)#like. waow. my older sister did the disney college program and then got hired at her current job where she's been for.... 12 years...#my younger sister worked at chipotle for like a year and then got hired at her current job where she's been for idk 5? 6? years?#grayson had to switch to part time for their health but they've been at their job for 7 years.#meanwhile the longest i've held a job is just under 4 years and it's a no-experience-required bottom-rung customer service thing#that i got pretexturally laid off from. and now i can't get rehired Anywhere.
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