#just feeling sorry for myself today

[dead-lights]

FML

I only only have 200 slides and 120+ renders set up in that file, no biggie >.> This, immediately after spilling coffee on my keyboard trying to plug my drive in so I could access this file. Today isn’t my day.

Thankfully I still have all of my renders and text saved elsewhere and I have an earlier version of the document so I don't have to start assembling everything from the beginning, but UGH. 100% not what I wanted to deal with today. It's just tedious to fix and I can’t do anything until I have a working keyboard again.

[imafraidoftomorrow]

So, it's Valentine's Day 😮‍💨

Normally this day doesn't affect me any, but it dawned on me this morning that I've been single for six years. Six years...

Those formative years when so many of my peers were finding their life partners, settling down, getting married, and even having children, I've spent them alone.

I look around and I see all manner of people - people with qualities no better nor worse than my own - who have found love, and when I see them, I can't help but feel my heart tighten in my chest and wonder: if them, why not me?

Why am I not worth loving, too? What's so wrong with me? Why does no one notice me? Why does no one want me?

This isn’t a pity post, rather, a lamentation that being alone is really hard. It's really fucking hard, okay? And it's not just days like today that I'm reminded of how lonely, of how loveless, I am. I'm reminded of it every single day. When I have to stand there awkwardly while other people gush about their partners. When I can't relate to the life experiences of others my age. When I have to constantly congratulate everyone else for their engagements, their anniversaries, their pregnancy reveals. When I realize I'll never be able to afford my own home (or even life itself) on one income. When I realize I might not ever get to be a mother.

There's not a single day that I don't feel how alone I am. How different I am. How unloved I am in this world.

And I don't know why. I certainly never imagined this would be my fate. Maybe it'll change someday, but I've long since given up hope that it will.

And I know they say that you have to be happy with your life and yourself, but how can you do that when there's nothing to help anchor your self-worth? When there's no one to affirm that yes, you are loved. Yes, you are wanted. Yes, you are enough as you are.

Being so alone has fundamentally changed me as a person. I'm so unaccustomed to touch that if someone pats my shoulder I practically leap out of my skin. I'm positive that the chemistry of my brain has been altered from a chronic lack of the serotonin and dopamine you get from intimacy. I honest to god can't feel happiness or joy anymore. At all times, I am empty. I am numb. I haven't felt alive in years.

But anyway. Happy Valentine's Day, I guess.

[girlboyburger]

hi i'm alive i'm just struggling my way to happiness & productivity

[orengejoshi]

very original Christmas gift! I'm sure he totally didn't expect that, Flug!

[iknowwhereyousnoozeatnight]

lawlight get wet for that one meme! (in a funny way tho if you’re up for that)

oh nooooo someone moved that wet floor sign

still of the last frame bc it makes me compress files for gifs and that makes me mad >:(

[disposal-blueeee]

[creaturefeaster]

agh!!!!

[lesbianwyllravengard]

Wyll breaking up with the player character if Ulder dies so Wyll must become the Duke makes me wanna throw up sobbing because he actually thinks that just because his father's first duty being to Baldur's Gate made him a Bad Father that Wyll himself will inevitably be a Bad Lover because surely no one could match love with duty if his father couldn't, unknowing he has more love in one hand than his father had in his entire body. fuck

[dots-in-my-head]

[hplonesomeart]

Hey. Sorry about the inactivity, but pretty sure no one cared that much anyways lol. Been a looooong time since I kept that distant from Tumblr…at least now I know I’m able to survive without checking posts every day/being chronically online! I’ve got an intense love-hate relationship with this lifestyle I’ve dug myself into. Think I’m getting a little bit better with the balance even if school isn’t really giving me an option. Got a load of work I need to keep catching up on if I don’t want to disappoint my professors. We’ll survive somehow. Here take a quick batch of Puzzle doodles k bye

[nixiecat]

god my holidays have been kinda super bleh if I'm being fully honest..... so many plans falling through... and my gf and I didn't even rly have money to get each other gifts... idk just not rly living up to my hopes. wagever ig

[gigglesandfreckles-hp]

i have managed to be supermum and avoid the germs as they've taken down each member of my family one by one, but today...i succumbed, waking up to a raging fever. and because of the little peanut growing inside me, i have to go to hospital as a precaution which is...absolutely not how i wanted to spend my most favourite day of the entire year. 🥺

[civetcider]

My toxic masc trait is having a really hard time putting my emotions into words unless they are somewhat aggressive ones and i have been slowly trying to express my affection for people into words more but at the end of the day I'll always be somebody who expresses my love more with actions then anything else, and normally I wouldn't make a dumb ass tumblr post about my feel feels either cuz like who cares but I need to know if other masc and butches or like anybody else have experienced this too where, people just WONT GET IT? like I'll try to SHOW someone I love them in every physical way I know how and then they will be like "how was I supposed to know how you feel, you never said anything" crushing my heart into a million pieces, like a punch in the gut, i was trying to show you but i guess you just like didn't notice or my actions didn't mean as much to you as they do me, it's fine I'm fine

[ganondoodle]

everyones more than welcome to send me asks about stuff* btw, i know i havent been that good in answering, but i think thats largely bc i always want to do too much, like .. drawing entire character design sheets and everything and then never having the energy or motivation for it so it sits around like all of my hundreds of wips i never finished bc i lost energy/motivation, waiting for it to come back .. which might never happen (and i still dont know how to handle compliments ,, i might never will tbh- if i havent answered a compliment its very very likely i dont know how to properly convey my gratitude- feeling like theres no amount of things i can do or say to 'pay back'? ... kinda weird if you think about it .. but i am weird so what do i know jsklfnhsdk, i promise you i treasure it)

im pretty sure not everyone that sends an ask expects a drawing or multiple and pages long text right? thats my skewed perspective isnt it?

*stuff being like .. about my ocs, about my zelda comic, about the totk rewrite project, suggestions, ideas, rants too, kind of anything though im less likely to respond to personal things (and in case theres anyone newer to tumblr, asks dont have to be literal questions, you can write in those what you want, i like them alot bc its a lil message without the chat type of commitment to it ... im even worse at keeping up responding in chats (not intentionally .. my short term memory sucks) o3o)

[feyres-divorce-lawyer]

watching in real time as sjm acomaf’d nesta

[brown-little-robin]

it went fine yesterday btw :}