#just ellie being able to learn from maria

[cheyisagirlkisser]

—Charity Girl—

Jackson Ellie x Fem! reader one-shot

Content: Slightly enemies to lovers, Ellie’s an asshole, AFAB reader, mentions of death and slightly graphic description, smut, nipple play, oral sex (r! receiving), making out, Ellie isn’t very cannon so if that peeves you don’t read this, mentions of weed, set in TLOU 2 universe, Joel is alive!!, this is unedited so lmk if there is any typos

Word Count: 5k

Description: You love Jackson, and you like helping people out. From farm chores to playing chess with the elderly, you’re liked around Jackson for being a charitable girl. You think everyone deserves some kindness. Everyone except Ellie, who can’t seem to find it in her to be nice to the one person who doesn’t deserve a harsh word.

God, you hated Ellie Williams.

You didn't want to say you hated her. You were a friendly person and you tried to be respectful to everyone. You even tolerated Seth, who was one of Jackson's conservative-minded guys. You rightfully disliked him, but you still remained civil when it came to professional matters.

However, it was just so hard to remain that way with Ellie. You didn't even know how truly irritating she was just seeing her around town, glancing over at her before she left for patrols with usually Jesse, Dina, Tommy, or Joel. She seemed pretty likable, at least from what you had heard. She moved to Jackson a while ago, before you even arrived at the settlement. You had never really needed to talk or had any interest in becoming friends.

You were a kind girl, and everyone in Jackson knew that. You liked helping out even if patrols weren't your strong suit. You felt insecure in that category being a bit less into scavenging and the dangers that lurked outside the town, so you decided to at least make yourself a bit useful. You made it a habit to use your love of baking to bring cupcakes to the playground for all of the children to eat. Sometimes it made you a bit sad to think about how little they had growing up in a post-apocalyptic world, but that wasn't a thought you could dwell on. You also made sure to keep the few senior citizens company because most people just didn't have the time to spend with them. Not that you didn't understand that, but you didn't sign up for patrols voluntarily unless someone else was ill and needed you to cover for them, or Maria needed an extra person. But it was just heart warming to know you made an impact since many of the old folks in towns didn't have family to keep them company. You'd spend hours playing board games with them, baking those little pastries they all complimented, asking them about their days. You were an angel amongst Jackson.

You were also extremely known for helping with food related jobs, such as gardening and farming. It was rewarding, since even though currency was quite useless in the world nowadays, you had the income of being able to take home vegetables, milk, butter, and even eggs when the chickens were active.

You mostly got along with anyone, and you tried to be a humble person. You just wanted to make the most of what you had. However, Ellie was..well, she was something. You'd soon be learning that.

It was summer, and everything was going fine for you. The sunlight hit Jackson in the most divine way and birds were flying over the settlement. You finished up with collecting eggs from one of the henhouses, so you grabbed a few as payment and headed to the diner to drop off a few. Everything was relatively normal. You glanced over at the gate and noticed that Jesse and Ellie had just gotten back from a patrol. Jesse was laughing about something and Ellie looked amusingly irritated. You couldn't help but think to yourself about how she was a pretty girl. She always wore her hair in a low messy bun, bangs framing her freckled face. You always were curious about her, but you just wrote your thoughts off as simple appreciation for her.

After you distributed the eggs to the diner and the supply building, you headed home. It was a short walk since Jackson wasn't a majorly huge place. Your house was small since you moved there alone, but it still home. You opened the front door and stepped inside. You still smelled the candles you'd lit from the previous night when you had been watching movies on DVDs found outside of Jackson on your small television. It was always the same movies. 10 Things I hate about you, Forest Gump, Scream, the Blair Witch Project(which had scared you so badly you were afraid to go patrolling in the forest for 3 months straight; you pathetically begged Maria not to make you do patrols), and E.T. It was just a random assortment of movies you had found in an abandoned house in a town outside of Jackson, but entertainment was entertainment. Who were you to complain?

You opened your fridge and stored the eggs inside, and then spent the next few minutes internally debating what you could do with your free-time. You still had a few books on your shelf that were mainly unread, but you hated staying indoors and reading like a hermit. Well, it was a nice day. You shuffled over to your shelf and picked up a book you'd borrowed from Cat a while ago and never read: Carmilla by Sheridan Le Fanu. Apparently, it was a classic a few centuries ago. With the book in hand, you left your house to find the well-used bench outside of the Tipsy Bison. It was where you loved to just sit and socialize with people or read when you wanted to breathe in fresh air.

One thing about you was that you enjoyed nature. While you did hate patrols, the idea of having to fend for yourself being unappealing, you loved the beautiful parts of it. Some debated that the infection was a part of nature, and you knew that, too. But still, you preferred being in the safety of a settlement. You knew what it was like to spend time in the outside world and it wasn't pretty. You enjoyed inhaling the air, watching as people lived their lives. Mortality was so precious right now, and maybe that's why you tried so hard to get along with everyone. You thought everyone deserved kindness.

Still, this life you led was mundane and boring at times. You were slightly envious of the patrollers. People in the current world were often restless, and as much as you’d think Jackson’s residents would love a mundane life with safety, they craved the survival. Maybe it was from their own personal trauma, but you weren’t able get that same lapse in routine everyone else got. It made you crave something extra from life, always feeling as if something was missing. Life this way, spent working and your free-time devoted to simple things, felt too easy. It felt like a deal in which you didn’t know the conditions of, and you subconsciously believed every good thing in the world had a cost. This easy lifestyle had to have a price.

For the next 15 minutes, you began your reading on that small bench. That was, until you heard someone sit down next to you. You glanced over to see Ellie there, alone next to you without any of her companions. Not that she was incapable of being alone, of course, but Ellie was the type of person to be reserved to her select group. Not a social butterfly like you, but well liked in an ironic way. She was so effortlessly able to get people to like her while not caring about whether or not people liked her. You gave her a warm smile and quickly doggy-eared the page you were reading, closing the book and setting it down into your lap.

"Can I help you with something?" You asked, remaining polite. You knew you probably seemed short with her, but if you were being truthful, the girl made you a tad bit nervous. Really, she had a positive impression on your brain. Before you really got to know her, at least.

She shrugged, feigning indifference, and answered you in a voice that was slightly teasing, her voice lacking the type of friendly amusement you'd expect from her. "Just wanted to say hi. Why is it that you sit out here everyday? Do you not have anything else to do?"

You were a bit shocked by that reply to say the least. You didn't ever expect Ellie to be even slightly rude. However, you were trying to be friendly. You'd kill this with some kindness. "Well, it's a nice day. I like the fresh air, you know?" You answered, trying to not sound too defensive.

The girl simply gave you a look you couldn't identify. Slight disapproval, and something you couldn't read. "You like fresh air? I thought you hated being outside. You know, since you never volunteer to go outside the walls and contribute?"

Now, that started to peeve you. Ellie was gorgeous, but even your little crush on her that you didn't realize you even had would save her now. Still..you tried to be friendly. Kindness is a virtue, you reminded yourself. "Everyone has their preferences. I personally like helping with the animals and harvesting crops." Once again, you tried to not sound too defensive. Something about Ellie's demeanor, the way she was looking at you intently, it made you feel as if she was trying to tease you to get a reaction out of you.

"Well, suit yourself then. But people risk their lives for you. The least you could do is return the favor. That's all I had to say." And with that last comment, she just stood up and waved at you before walking off.

It was so hard not to catch up to her and ask her what her deal was, but that would cause more problems than it would solve for you. You sat on the bench, confused and frustrated.

The next few weeks, these little comments Ellie made to you continued. It was either some slight judgment about the book you were reading or that you spent too much time trying to look sweet that you were actually just useless. It was always with a tone that was so rude yet seemed teasing. You wondered if she meant any of it. You always tried to defend yourself, but you were starting to really despise Ellie. You considered talking to someone like Maria, Tommy, or Joel about it, but would they even believe you? Ellie was usually not so rude from the conversations you had overheard. She seemed like a normal girl. It was frustrating having nobody to tell this to. Your friends always laughed you off, saying that Ellie was probably just joking with you to be friendly and that you were misunderstanding her. Everyone in Jackson loved Ellie, and she seemed to get along with everyone just fine except for you. Still, you tried to be sweet. You would simply brush her off, pretend like she was just some old person who made subtle criticisms and not anything serious. It was just really starting to get to you, though. You wondered how long you could manage.

Turns out, you would have to manage a patrol with her. Someone did in fact become ill and had to turn down a patrol, so you volunteered. Only then did Maria seem to mention that your partner was Ellie. You wanted to beg to swap with someone else, but you didn't want to inconvenience anyone, so you accepted the fate. It was a foot patrol among the south trails. 8 hours of pure torture.

Foot patrols were entirely different matters than what usual patrols entail. For starters, usual patrols require horses and cover more distance. They’re less dangerous. Being on foot also requires you to trust your partner more, which you struggle to do with your current partner. You have to trust that they’ll cooperate with you and have your back if things get tough. However, foot patrols do not require patrollers to hit up the main buildings or hot spots. You only check into the small places around the area, such as the office downtown or the gun store a mile from the grocery store. You’re less likely to get ambushed by a horde of clickers that way.

The fact that it was a summer patrol instead of winter made it slightly better. You imagined what it’d be like if you and Ellie got trapped in a snowstorm and were locked into some grocery store together. Annoyingly enough, the idea of having to share body heat with her made your heart flutter more than you’d like to admit. Summer patrols meant you’d probably have to take a lot of rests so neither of you would overheat, however.v

The cork board outside of the supply station mocked you in a way with your name being beside Ellie’s. You truly began to wonder if you could handle being alone with the girl who subtly tormented you for weeks straight without finally snapping. You didn’t want to know what would happen if you snapped at her. Would she yell back, or maybe even report you to Maria? You just knew that your usual patience was wearing thin.

You went home and collapsed onto your bed, hoping that a good night’s sleep would somehow save you from the situation you’d be facing tomorrow. As if Ellie would suddenly leave you be if you got enough sleep—you were just truly desperate.

Night didn’t last forever, and you woke to the sight of light streaming through your curtains in small patches. You groaned and forced yourself to get out of bed. The alarm clock read “6 A.M.” Much too early to have to deal with Ellie Williams.

You took a quick shower just to freshen up and got ready for the day, messily tying your hair back and putting on a pair of tan cargo pants, a light button-up, and a pair of combat boots. Simple, but safe. You packed a bag with some emergency medical supplies including gauze, alcohol pads, and a bottle of ibuprofen. You knew that you'd be given a care package from the supply crew, but you liked to be safe.

You would always grab a shotgun and a pistol from the weaponry building. Most people would choose to take the rifles, but you found it easier to shoot a light pistol and shotguns were easier to aim with. You knew the more trained people, Ellie included, would bring knives or machetes to clear infected with. You didn't trust yourself to get so close to the infected, at least not without something like a gun. Extra ammo, and extra MREs. You always felt a bit more safe bringing just a few extra things in case of emergencies.

You remember when you arrived at Jackson, and you were assigned your very first patrol at 17. You spent hours before patrol preparing with extra equipment, and it soon became a habit to overthink the experience. Your partners would ask about it, maybe give you an odd look, but most people just got used to it after a while. Everyone assumed it was because of your life before Jackson, and they'd guessed right.

The children that were raised in Jackson were unfortunate to have even been born in such a dangerous world that can snatch away the people you care for most, but they at least grew up into safety. You were nomadic, moving from settlement to settlement, group to group, or even just setting up camp in the middle of a forest or abandoned city. It was a dangerous life, and it left you constantly losing sleep, waking up and wondering if your father who you traveled with would be able to protect you if something truly happened. If the two of you had the misfortune of stumbling upon a horde of infected or run into a slaver group. It was often that you'd sleep so lightly, even the sound of a mouse scurrying across an abandoned office floor would wake you. You were terrified with the thought of being eaten alive in your sleep or worse, bitten, and left to slowly lose your humanity.

The day your father was killed off wasn't much different than any other, and that resulted in your current state. Always being overprepared because maybe you could prevent sudden death. Just maybe if you brought one extra gauze strip, you'd somehow prevent past you from watching your father be torn apart from a clicker. Jackson was supposed to be a fresh start for you, so you always found yourself repeating the same phrase.

"Make the best of what you have, and don't dwell on what you've lost."

Sometimes you break your own rules, though.

It was around 6:45 when you arrived at the gates. The sun wasn't up yet, and that meant flashlights would probably be necessary. One downside to summer patrol was that the sun set late, but the sun rose late, too. You anticipated the hues of orange and pink that would paint the sky and give you light.

You were snapped out of your thoughts when Ellie cleared her throat, signaling she was here and ready to go. You stole a glance at her and your heart fell into your stomach.

She looked messy and somehow so gorgeous that it hurt. She had a slightly masculine energy to her with a pair of brown leathers boots and boot-cut dark jeans that still found a way to hug her thighs so deliciously. She wore a short-sleeve t-shirt you'd seen on her before and her low bun had strands falling out of it, strands you secretly wanted to tuck behind her ears.

You scratched those thoughts out of your head when she opened her mouth.

"Are you conscious? We need to get moving." She had a slightly scolding tone that made you want to bite back with something just as condescending, but you held back.

Instead, you simply nodded, and Ellie probably could've sworn that you had veins popping out of your forehead. Who could've blamed you? Ellie was such an asshole to you.

Ellie's mind was an extremely complicated place. Her thoughts were quick, and she felt the need to always be on task. However, one difference between the two of you was that she got into trouble at times. It was quite inevitable though, especially when she was friends with Dina and Jesse.

Incidents like getting high off her ass on patrol, messing around with a squeaky toy and accidently attracting a group of walkers, losing her temper and pissing off a group of stragglers, or when her and Jesse abused the walkie-talkies.

She was naturally in need of routine breaks, and maybe that's why she teased you so much. She felt a little envious. You were this perfect girl, sweet as they come, who cared for the people in town who didn't usually have company. You didn't do patrols and you were still an incredibly hard worker in ways Ellie felt lacking, because there were so many people around town who kissed your ass for doing something as simple as milking the cows.

That wasn't all Ellie's thoughts about you were based around, though. Something about how boring your life was somehow appealed to her, and she hated herself for even thinking about you. She also shouldn't have been obsessing over a girl who was probably straight, like most girls in Jackson, of course. But something about you really made her want to break you and see you snap. Maybe that's why she spent so much time trying to get a reaction out of you. She knew she was being a dickhead to you, but she still just needed to see that snap. She'd finally be able to know that you were more than just some nice girl, then.

Truth was, Ellie was probably in love with you with the amount she thought about you. Insulting you was so easy, though. It was so easy to pretend that she didn't like you than to make an effort to impress you and be herself. She was scared of letting you know who she actually was because you may reject her forreal, and she couldn't handle that.

So it was best to pretend like she enjoyed being extremely condescending to you.

The first two hours of patrol was spent walking in close proximity on the trails south of the creek. You could practically smell the water, and you could feel the slight breeze that gave you some relief the extreme heat. Every now and then you'd take a sip of water and look around cautiously. Caution was something you couldn't live without, and Ellie seemed to take a notice to that. It was just your lucky day that she was in the mood to be an asshole to you again.

She'd make small remarks to you, sometimes questioning the way your hands trembled anxiously, or asking you why you didn't bring any good weapons. When it was lunch time, she laughed at the ridiculous amount of rations in your backpack. Slowly, you felt peeved. Why was Ellie such a bitch to you? You knew she didn't actually care about these things, yet she loved to point them out in the most grating voice she could muster up. After one particular comment that was something along the lines of "You know, it's embarrassing that someone else had to get sick for you do take a patrol shift" that finally made you snap.

You halted along the trail and turned to face her, a sudden irrational wave of anger flooding your system. "What the fuck is your problem?! Are you just mad because you hate me? Is that it? I don't understand what I did to deserve you constantly criticizing me!" You snapped, voice clear with anger. You stepped forward and you wanted to slap her across the face, hardly holding back from doing so. Ellie sensed this and maybe she felt a twinge of fear and something else you didn't even notice. This was odd seeing as she could easily kick your ass. Her back hit a large tree, her eyes widened as if she couldn't have possibly predicted this reaction. This only made you more irritated.

You stepped forward, your body close enough to hears that you could hear her inhale and exhale, and it was a shaky sound that you would've questioned if it weren't for your anger serving as a distraction. "Answer me, asshole! Why do you hate me so much?! Just fucking-" And you were cut off with a kiss.

Her hands desperately grasped at your face, pulling you closer as she kissed you. It wasn't the standard type of sweet kiss in which two people would brush up against each other's lips. She was practically devouring you with her need. At first, you couldn't process what was happening. Ellie was kissing you so hard you felt almost lightheaded. But for some reason, all of the anger you felt was flushed away as you began to kiss her back.

Ellie took some initiative and flipped you around so that you were backed up against the tree, the rough bark digging into your back. However, you couldn't focus on any discomfort present in your body. All you could feel was the numbing swell of your lips as Ellie's practically bruised yours. You felt her teeth bite on your bottom lip, and you let out a pathetic moan. Her hands were somehow everywhere, from your face to the sides of your body as if she was trying to pull the warmth from your body.

She tasted so fucking good, it was hard to stop. You could faintly taste copper from where she bit down onto your lip, but you could also taste her in such an intimate way, it was more emotional than it seemed. A mix of her toothpaste, and an Earthiness you'd imagined she'd contain. The two of you were lost in each other that patrol was all but forgotten.

You finally had to pull away to breathe, but she needed more. Her hands trailed across your chest, palming at your tits through your shirt. You tilted your head back against the tree, and she took the opportunity to leave hungry kisses on your pulse point, probably sucking hard enough on your skin to leave hickey's you'd lecture her about later. But for now, you didn't care.

It was all a blur, her pulling at your clothes and the both of you left naked against the tree not long after. She tugged at your hair while lapping at your tits, and this made you breathless. "Ellie, please.." You didn't even know what you were begging for.

She let out a soft noise and released the latch she had on one of your tits. “Fuck, I like this version of you so much better than the other one..” She said, her voice riddled with an obvious sense of need that made your thigh involuntarily clench. She moved upwards, her tongue meeting your collarbone and then up to your jaw. She kissed down the side of your neck, the heat of her mouth and the wetness of her tongue enveloping you. You tilted your head back, your breathing coming out in soft pants. You didn’t understand how you could hate her moments before and somehow be a mess for her now. You really wanted to hate how good it felt, but you really couldn’t even find an ounce of fight left in you to try and push her away. You didn’t want to push her away. 

Her hands moved to your tits, kneading them softly, pinching your nipples while she mouthed at the sensitive spot between your shoulder and neck. It felt like heaven the way her lips caressed your skin. 

She moved much too slowly down your body, kissing both of your stiff nipples before sliding her tongue down your navel. Her hands pulled at your waist and you couldn’t help but arch your back slightly to meet her mouth as it moved against your thighs. She tried to tease you as best she could while being so horny as well, but soon she gave up on the idea altogether. 

“Fuck, you’re so wet..” Was the last thing she muttered before the heat of her mouth finally pressed up against your cunt making you clench around nothing. She parted your thighs gently and you struggled to stay standing against the tree. Your hands tangled into her hand to find purchase as her tongue lapped at your clit like you were dinner. Not like rations or canned soup you’d typically find lying around in an old grocery store, but a michelin star meal. You were far too expensive for her budget and she was taking advantage of the sample she got. She imagined what it’d be like to have you everyday, to be able to bring you please like this for hours on end. But she was too far gone to really dwell on the thought long before she was wrapping her soft lips around your clit and giving it a suck, making you tug on her roots and rocking your hips against her mouth, grinding your wet cunt against her mouth. She was so warm and you were soaking for her, and it was absolutely perfect.

Sometimes, you had overheard philosophical drunken conversions at the Tipsy Bison. People with flushed cheeks would talk of hatred. That was nothing new; hatred was always common in the world, even before the infection. But hearing someone talk about how hatred is just a negative type of love, now that part stuck with you. You could feel hatred for Ellie while she worked at your cunt, you told yourself. You repeated into your head that hate was unglorified love. Maybe it was desire, too. 

But you struggled to keep that notion in your head as her tongue swirled around you teasingly before not holding back one bit. And before you knew it, you were a goner. Your breaths grew shorter as your climax finally took over, your knees nearly buckling as you let out a loud cry against the release you were feeling. You were violently tugging at her auburn strands, making her moan in return, only sending more shocks through your body as you felt her send warm vibrations through your pussy. 

You nearly forgot how to speak. 

Eventually, you went limp against the tree, and she stood up to hold you close. Your breaths were ragged for a while and the two of you remained silent until she broke it with a soft sigh. 

“I am sorry for being a jerk..I don’t even know what’s wrong with me.” She whispered softly, her breath hitting your neck. 

Finally, you found your voice again, though it was unsteady and quiet. “I just didn’t understand..I still don’t. I thought you hated me.” 

She frowned at that and hugged your tightly, which showed to you that this moment was much more than sexual desire shared between the two of you. “No, I don’t hate you. I’m just an idiot, okay? I was jealous, and I sort of liked you. I couldn’t stop thinking about you ever.”

That made your heart beat just a little faster. “You…like me back?” You asked, needing her to say it just one more time. 

“Yes. I like you too. I swear, I think I’m in love with you the way I’m so obsessed with you. You were always taking up space in my mind..it was driving me insane.” She admitted, and it caused you to lean forward to plant a soft kiss on her lips. Both of your lips were still kiss-swollen and your body was shaking with the after-glow of your orgasm, but this kiss was much more gentle than the previous. It was soft and made you even more weak than her tongue did. Which was saying a lot.

She hugged you tightly, her hands finding purchase at your waist. You thought about getting dressed and going on with patrol, but none of it felt right now. The situation gave you that lapse in routine you needed, and you knew you were probably addicted to the feeling of Ellie’s presence now. Somehow, you couldn’t care less. That was a first.

[mariatesstruther]

okay but what if maria used to have a strained relationship with her dad and she tells ellie about it after ellie and joel stop talking. and ellie is like????? i thought u adored your dad wtf how did u forgive him?? what happened??

and maria tells her what helped, that moving out and becoming her own person with her own space really helped open her up. and THATS how they get the idea to convert the garage into ellie’s space

[joelmillergirl]

Don’t Hate You- Joel Miller

An enemies to lovers story.

Word count: 3,298

Warnings: smut, unprotected p in v, one spank, rougher sex, slight degrading, oral (m receiving) hate sex, but they actually don’t hate each other!

Author’s Note: Love a good enemies to lovers. I did not proofread because I was ashamed!! :D

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

He was your neighbour; an interesting concept after 20 odd years of being alone with no sense of community. The apocalypse had torn through the world, separating friends from foe and dividing humanity into crushed pieces.

And then there was Jackson.

Jackson was small when you first showed up, bloody and beaten, tired of fighting. There were about 20 people at that time, all working hard to fix up the old town they had taken residence in. Maria had taken you in without any thought, allowing you to be someone after years of just living as another being, untrusting and rough, a shell of who you once were.

Five years later, you, along with the town, had blossomed. Buildings were now as new as they could be, with the resources the townspeople could find. Jackson had a bar, a laundrette, a clothes and a grocery store; things that had been hard to adjust to because your brain had been hardwired to live a certain way, were now able to just relax.

Slowly but surely, you were able to build yourself up into the personality you had before everything fell apart. A nicer, happier version of yourself. You knew everyone in town, always being greeted when you stepped out your door, they called you Honey.

“Sweet as honey, you are.” Eugene had said to you, an older man who had fought alongside Tommy in the fireflies.

The latter man scoffed, “Not to me, always teasin’ me, makin’ fun of me.”

You smile at him, “Chin up, Tommy. Someone has to keep that ego of yours in check.”

Every face in that town you could put a name to, until one day you couldn’t. Two new faces, one gruff with a frown, and the other smiley with her mouth constantly moving. You learned of their names; Joel, and Ellie. Before you could get the chance to introduce yourself, they had left.

“Where’s your brother? And the girl?” You hesitantly asked Tommy one day, raising the glass of whisky to your lips.

He shook his head once, downing his drink in one go, “Just needs to get something done. He’ll be back.”

Tommy's short reply had irked you more than it should have. Everyone in town was talking about the mystery man with his mystery kid; who were they? How long would they be away? You wish you knew the answer.

A few months later, you awoke to a distinctive voice; Tommy, yelling orders right outside your bedroom window. You tried to endure it for a while, a pillow placed over your head in an attempt to muffle the echo of his voice, but that proved to be a fail.

Thin cardigan around your body, fluffiest socks you could find, and a frown on your face, you move down the stairs in your house, muttering to yourself angrily. "Tommy!" You call out, gently closing your front door.

Tommy looked up with a guilty expression, "I'm sorry, I know-"

"It is the crack of dawn, you better have a good reason why I'm hearing your voice so early!" You finish, standing by the edge of your fence, arms crossed against your chest.

A third voice. A man stepping out of your neighbouring house. "Sorry, Ma'am, Tommy was just helpin' us settle in."

He was unapologetically handsome. Simply wearing jeans and a short sleeved shirt, with one expression plastered across his face at all times. Joel. You hated how at the sight of him, your arms unfolded from your body, hated how you couldn't really find yourself to be angry anymore.

You shift on your feet, cheeks flushing pink, "You're back."

Tommy raised his eyebrow, eyes moving between the two of you, "Honey, this is Joel, my brother, and your new neighbour."

Joel nodded in your direction, looking at you curiously. You shake your head softly, "Keep it down, Tommy." Your eyes move over to his brother, "Welcome to Jackson."

Then you were moving, back into the comfort of your own house where you slapped yourself in the face, embarrassment bubbling its way inside of you.

Two days later, you felt bad. Your bad impression with Joel replayed in your head endlessly, so bad that you had avoided going outside whenever you could hear voices next door. It was later when you knocked on their door, now in more appropriate clothes and with a clearer mind.

If he was shocked you were standing outside his door, he didn't show it, you spoke straight away. "I just wanted to properly introduce myself, I know you mustn't think too fondly of me." You give him your name along with a small smile.

Joel watched silently as you rambled an apology, only offering a small grunt and a nod of his head before closing the door in your face. You stood there for a moment, taking in what had just occurred. The rejection stung slightly, your inability to make amends with him weighing down on your shoulders. You hated how small that made you feel, hated how much you yearned for him to say something, just so you could hear his voice in that low, Southern drawl.

Tommy couldn't understand why your face soured whenever Joel's name was brought up, or why your fists clenched after watching his brother talk with other people. Why Joel seemed to talk to everyone except for you. Tommy sat in front of you in the booth at the bar, waiting for an opportunity to finally figure out what he had been suspecting. His eyes locked onto someone behind you and before you could ask, he was already calling out. “Joel! C'mere."

Your eyes widened slightly as you sat up straighter, kicking Tommy's leg under the table. You heard his boots stop next to you, his presence looming over the table you were leaning on. Tommy nodded his head slightly at you, "How're you guys gettin' along as neighbours? Haven't gotten any complaints yet, so must be goin' well."

Joel stayed quiet for a moment, eyes glancing over to you for a split second, "'S fine. Nice house you put me in."

Tommy scoffed, shaking his head with a smile, "Wasn't asking about the house, brother. You guys good?"

Joel looked down at you, eyes flickering down your face and to your hands that rest on the wooden table. “We’re good. She’s uh…” He paused, seemingly uncomfortable with what he was about to say. “She’s a good neighbour.” He confirmed, suddenly looking everywhere but you and his brother.

Tommy smiled triumphantly, looking at you again. “Honey? He a good neighbour?”

You look at him unimpressed, feeling uncomfortable to be put in such a position, and furthermore the sight of Joel tapping his fingers against the table impatiently from the corner of your eye, made you feel angry. Unnecessarily so.

“Actually, Tommy, no. He’s not a good neighbour. He’s a dick. Always… slamming his gate when he gets back from night patrols.” You breathe out deeply, feeling the brothers’ gazes on you as you looked away. “I needa head back, I’ll see you Tommy.”

You hastily make your way out, “Oh god, why did I say that?” You whisper to yourself, embarrassment coursing through your body.

Three days after that incident , you had managed to avoid Joel like he was the plague; more than how you used to ignore him. His little girl, Ellie had approached you a few times, mocking your silence and asking why you didn't get along with the oldest Miller. You couldn't say that it was because how unnecessarily hot his accent was, or how he liked to wear tighter shirts that made your skin crawl with need, so you shrugged.

On the fourth day of ignoring Joel Miller, you had lost your streak.

It was later in the evening, everyone was either crowded in the dining hall, or in the comfort of their own homes, everyone but you. The winter coat you had on was not doing you justice, the freezing wind managing to slip through the small cracks, touching your skin. Although, you could barely call it a coat, material so worn and thin you would've been better in a long-sleeve shirt. You had been walking for a few minutes, nose pink, when you heard your name being called behind you.

"What the hell are you doin, wearing this in the middle of winter?" None other than Joel Miller scolded, grabbing you by the arm when he was close enough to. "You suicidal, woman?"

"Charming." You responded, trying so hard to ignore the warmth he provided by holding your arm. "Just walking, don't see the problem."

Joel scoffed, looking genuinely annoyed, "Don't see the pro-..." He trailed off for a moment, "You're going to freeze. And given our unpleasant history, I'll probably be blamed for your death."

Not waiting for a response, he started to pull you behind him, making a beeline for his house. You stuttered out, trying to object, "Joel, I'm perfectly capable of walking back to my house."

"Don't want you going back to your house. Need to talk with you." He shortly responded, ignoring your tugging. Once he had opened his door and you could feel the heat emitting from his house, you had settled slightly, but still shot Joel a glance as you entered.

"Go sit by the fire." He ordered, walking off into his kitchen, "Fuckin' hell." He mumbled.

You scowl at his back, debating with yourself for a second before deciding to follow his orders, sitting yourself down on the floor in front of the hot embers. You moan out in relief, shuffling a bit closer before turning your head to the side, watching Joel frown as he poured something in two mugs.

"Coffee." He grunted, walking over and placing the mug in your hands before sitting down on the chair next to you, sported with his own cup. "Drink it."

The mug helped you warm up faster, the heat reaching your fingertips and moving up your hands. "Prefer tea." You shortly respond, taking the drink up to your lips.

A moment of silence commenced before either of you talked again. Joel sighed deeply, and you saw from the corner of your eye his hand resting over his face, "Why're you so difficult?"

His words sunk into your brain. You scoffed, "I'm difficult?"

"Yes. You are."

You place the mug down beside you, looking into the flames for a moment. "I tried making amends with you, Joel. Tried being nice."

His silence fuelled your frustration. "Talking and smiling to everyone but me... Because I, what? I scolded your brother for being loud?" You continue, shaking your head.

Joel didn't talk, he didn't move. Only when he was sure you were finished talking did he speak. "You did try bein' nice... And uh... God, I hate this." He paused, taking a deep breath, "Didn't think it was a good idea for us to be nice. To talk."

"What?" You asked, turning to look at him, "You didn't think it was a good idea? That makes no sense, Joel. If you just don't like me, say that, don't try making up all these excuses!"

His eyebrows furrowed, he too had abandoned his mug onto the side table next to him. "Not makin' any excuses."

You laugh shortly, "Okay, Joel. I'll leave you then, get outta your hair... Seeming as this,' You gesture to the both of you, "Is not a good idea."

As you stood, Joel quickly followed, grabbing onto your shoulder to stop you from running. "I knew it would be a bad idea because the second I laid my eyes on you, you had me wrapped around your finger. Fuckin'," He took a breath, looking away from you for a moment, "Can't get you out of my head, you're everywhere."

"I don't..." You frown, looking up at him, your uneven breathing matching his, "I don't understand."

"I can't stay away from you, I can't do it anymore." He confessed, letting go of your shoulder, instead running his hands through his hair. "You don't even know what you do to me."

You watch him for a moment, trying to rationalise your feelings, "So, you... You act like a dick, and ignore me, shut doors in my face, and now I'm finding out it's because you can't stay away from me? That's so stupid!"

His neck was flushed, the pink hue travelling down to his chest, you forced yourself to keep your eyes on his face. He looked borderline desperate now as he stepped closer, "Tell me to stop, I will. If... If you let me have you, I don't think I'll be able to stop."

"How did we go from hating each other to this?" You ask, eyes flickering over his face.

Joel shook his head gently, his hands moving up to touch your neck, fingers ghosting your skin. "Didn't really hate each other. Did we?"

"Hated you. You're arrogant." You whisper, taking off your thin jacket, a shirt on underneath.

"Keep goin'." He nodded, frowning at your choice in clothing.

His fingers moved on his own accord, moving down to the bottom of your shirt, tugging on it. "You slammed your door shut in my face." You continue, pulling the shirt off your body and throwing it on the floor.

"Like an ass." He agreed, his eyes taking in your upper half, hungrily staring at the bra you were wearing.

As if in a trance, you pulled your pants off yourself, "Just wanted to apologise to you for my bad impression." You tell him, now standing in your underwear in front oh his clothed self.

Joel nodded, his breath intaking as he looked at you, "Didn't care what you were sayin' that morning, baby. Comin'. out in that singlet of yours, tiny shorts. You thought that cardigan was gonna help ya? Was hopin' you'd yell at Tommy all day."

Your pussy clenched at his words, a gush of heat travelling upwards. "I was rude to you in the bar the other day... In front of Tommy." You confess, kneeling down in front of him, your face now in line with his growing bulge still restrained in his jeans.

"Yeah, baby." Joel agreed, "Had to listen to him lecture me for an hour." He reached down and moved your hair out of your face, looking deeply into your eyes.

His zipper was down before he could blink, quickly helping you pull down his pants, his boxers following soon after. His cock was big, bigger than you had expected it to be. Its red head was dripping with pre come, falling down the sides of him. Your hand experimentally wrapped around him, seeing how much you'd be able to take, only to find that your hand was not able to close properly.

"It's big, I know." Joel hummed, his cock twitching in your hands, "You can take it."

Your hands began moving after he spoke to you, making sure to squeeze down on him. His head fell back in pleasure, a groan releasing from his throat. After a few minutes of slowly jerking him off, you brought your head closer to his tip, carefully wrapping your lips around him. At the added pleasure, Joel looked down, letting out a whimper.

"Fuck, feel so good." He told you, scrunching his eyebrows together, "Look so good." He added, his hand coming down to hold your cheek.

With new profound confidence, you moved your head faster, making sure to match the speed with your hand. His moans grew louder, his hand moving from your cheek to the back of your head, fisting some of your hair. "Alright, alright." Joel quickly said, pulling your head off his cock, now topped with the glisten of your saliva.

"Need it." You whisper, using his hand to help yourself up, tugging down your underwear before helping Joel out of his shirt. You look up at him expectedly, legs clenching together.

Joel looked down at the sight, mockingly sighing, "You wet, baby? Need me to take care of ya, huh?" He gently grabbed your hand pulling you behind him as he approached his couch. You watched as he sat down, spreading his legs widely, a sight that was truly sinful.

He gestured to his lap, and you took the hint. Climbing onto him, you didn't break eye contact, your chest pressed against his as you looked into his eyes. "Here." He whispered, reaching behind your back and unclasping your bra, peeling it away from your body. "God, you're..." He sighed, leaning back against the couch as he stared at your breasts, "You're gorgeous."

"Still hate you." You mumble, leaning up with your hands on his shoulders. He gripped his cock from under you, dragging the tip across your clit and down your pussy.

"Yeah?" He asked, looking up at your face as he placed himself up near your entrance, your legs already shaking with need. Your arousal dripped down the side of his dick, fluids mixing together. "Doesn't feel like you hate me."

You shook your head, moving downwards gently, just far enough that the tip of him slipped inside you. You both groan. "I do hate you." You try and convince him, taking him further inside you with every second that passed. When your ass met his thighs, you moaned out loudly, tilting your head backwards. "Feel so deep."

Joel smiled lazily, pressing his hand against your abdomen, "Right up here. Go on, show me how much ya hate me. Fuck it all outta ya." He slurred, his accent becoming more pronounced the further he lost himself inside you. You started with small grinds, getting your body used to the intrusion first, shaky breaths and pants falling from your mouth as your clit rubbed against his pubic hair.

He helped you bounce after, his large hands on your ass, pulling you up and down on his dick, roughly meeting those movements with his own thrusts below. Once he was confident you had found your rhythm, he leant back, watching. "Still hate me?" He shakily asked, his hands moving from your breasts down to your clit, rubbing slow circles there.

"No." You cry out, moving your body forwards so you were laying on him, your face resting in the crook of his neck. "Please." You beg, although you weren't sure of what.

Joel wraps his arms around you, holding you tight as his hips drive faster up into you. The sounds of your skin colliding echoing through his house, aiding in the pleasure you were feeling. Joel grunted in your ear, one of his hands coming down onto your ass, slapping it. "Gonna cum, baby. Come on, need to feel it."

You lean up slightly, chest heaving against his. "So close." You whisper, leaning your forehead against his. The sensation of his hands roaming your body, the feeling of his cock pistoning up into you, and your own need for him fuelled your orgasm. Just as you started clenching around him, Joel moved his head up, catching your lips in a kiss before his own orgasm escaped him. You came together, legs shaking and breaths coming out hot as you kissed.

Somehow, the kiss felt more intense than the mind-blowing sex you had just had, the intimacy of it had your heart clenching. "Don't hate you." You sighed, pulling away from his lips. "Hated how you made me feel. Wanted you so bad."

He nodded. "I know, baby. Me too."

As they dressed themselves and sat with each other by the fire, discovering new emotions and sensations with one another the rest of Jackson had continued moving around them, acting like another day; though your life would now be irrevocably changed.

[pearlessance]

Watch Duty - Idle Threats [i]

Series Summary — Joel has watch duty with Jackson’s twenty-year old, smart-mouthed brat and gets more than he bargained for.

Pairing — Joel Miller/Reader

Warnings — Explicit sexual content MDNI, brat taming, age gap, mean!Joel

SERIES MASTERLIST

[cross posted to AO3]

There are certain, non-negotiable ways of post-apocalyptic life. For instance, food must be rationed, and in most cases water, too. Energy is to be conserved for necessary things. Looting is for food, water, medicine, and weapons first—then for things that improve the way of life. Everyone must be willing and able to shoot to kill. And in a commune like Jackson, someone must always be on watch.

Joel Miller knows these things. He’s been living in the end of the world for years now, has grown accustomed to this cutthroat way of life. Sometimes he even convinces himself he was meant to live in a world just like this one.

When he settled in at Jackson a few short weeks ago with Ellie and was assigned his job, he was grateful to be a watcher in the homemade tree blinds. Simple, easy, to the point. And, most importantly—quiet. 

There’s always two people on the south side of the commune and two people on the north side. Joel is thrilled to learn he’s been paired with Mike, a middle-aged man with a penchant for crossbows. Mike is a man of few words, which just so happens to be Joel’s favorite thing about him. 

Every night, they’d relieve the daytime watchers, nod to each other once, and start their shift. Mike brings a large thermos filled with hot water, and Joel smuggles in a plastic bag of instant coffee in his pocket. A rare commodity these days—but he’s willing to share it with Mike in appreciation of his silence.

Joel enjoys his nights of quiet. Especially after he and Mike make an agreement to allow one another to sleep in rotating shifts. It’s a blessed routine. Simple, easy, to the point. 

So, when Tommy lets him know that Mike will be going out on a run for a few weeks, Joel isn’t exactly happy to hear it. He tries to convince his brother to let him be on watch alone—but Maria puts a stop to that before Joel even finishes getting the words out. 

It’s too dangerous. What happens if you're ambushed? 

Joel is capable of handling himself. They know it, he knows it, but Tommy agrees with his wife. And once the two of them decided on something, there was no use arguing. 

His dread escalates when Tommy tells him you will be taking Mike’s place. Joel’s hardly ever spoken to you—has gone out of his way to avoid you, in fact—and anxiety spikes in his chest at the idea of being in that tree blind, stuck with you, completely alone. 

The third day he spends in Jackson is the first time he sees you. He and Ellie are sitting at a table in the dining hall, eating a peaceful breakfast, and you waltz right up to the table where Tommy and Maria sit. Flakes of snow cling to the ends of your hair and your long lashes, making you look a little ethereal, like some vengeful snow goddess. You’re wearing tight jeans that leave little to the imagination and a white, low-cut, long-sleeve shirt that’s drenched and left completely transparent.

Joel has to force his eyes away from the sight of the black lace you wear beneath because the feelings it evokes are so wrong.

There’s something clutched tightly in your hand. Joel can’t see what it is, even as you slam it on the table in front of Maria. You lower your head to look her right in the eye, hands braced on the wood between the two of you. “The next time you have a craving for bullshit, go and get it your goddamn self. I’m not your fucking errand boy.” 

Tommy raises a hand. “Hey, now,” he reasons. “Everyone’s got a job to do—”

“I almost died! I almost died for this!” If your near nakedness didn’t command the attention in the room, your shouting certainly does.

Joel tries to ignore the fury lashing at him from the inside. You’re just a girl—a young girl, and you might as well be naked for all that wet shirt covers. Was everyone in this town so fucking nosy? They should be turning away from you, not toward you.

Never mind the fact that Joel, it seems, is incapable of doing just that. 

You pick up the item and throw it at Tommy’s chest. It’s only as his brother catches it and sets it back on the table that Joel recognizes the foil package of barbecue flavored chips. 

“You’re a runner,” Tommy tries to reason. “That’s what you’re supposed to do; go on runs.”

But you don’t hear him and his calm logic. You point a finger at Maria, whose face has gone crimson in embarrassment, and bare those pretty white teeth in a snarl. “Go fuck yourself, Maria.”

She opens her mouth to respond, to offer an excuse. Only she never gets the chance before you turn away and storm back through the dining hall, slamming the door behind you so hard it rattles the windows. 

When Joel asks his brother about it later that night, Tommy explains that that’s just how you are. Explosive, defiant, easily provoked. But you’re the best runner Jackson has, which was why you specifically were assigned to Maria’s task for her pregnancy craving. 

But the run had gone south, and you’d narrowly escaped an encounter with a small group of men who’d happened across you on the way back to Jackson. Tommy doesn’t explain what exactly happened, but he mentions the jacket you returned wearing that was so soaked in blood you had to burn it. 

The next time he sees you, Joel and Ellie are walking through the streets of Jackson. Ellie is poking fun at him, cracking some joke about Joel being old, when you come barreling out of one of the buildings in the middle of town.

Mike’s wife owns a bakery, Joel knows. And it looks like you’ve just done something that’s made her real mad—because she’s standing at the threshold, shaking her fist and yelling your name. 

You’re running fast, sweet sounding laughter falling from your lips. You nearly run right into Ellie, but stop yourself a moment before you crash into her. “Hey, kid,” you say, a grin stretching wide across your pretty face. “You ever had a strawberry scone before?”

Joel snorts when her mouth hangs open as she shakes her head, eyes starry as she stares up at you. “Uh…no—no. Never.”

You pull a plastic-wrapped scone out of your pocket and peel off the cellophane packaging. 

Joel watches eagerly as you carefully split the pastry in half. Your hands are small and smooth. They look soft, so soft , and he wonders what they’d feel like against his back, his hips, between his legs. 

Ellie takes the halved scone with a smile, and it’s reflected back on your face as you watch her tear into it with her teeth. Her eyes widen as the sugar reaches her tongue.

You and Joel both laugh at her reaction, but all amusement leaves him as you take a bite of your half and let out the prettiest sounding moan he’s ever heard. 

No, Joel suddenly doesn’t think anything is funny anymore. He clenches his jaw and says, “I hope you paid for that.”

When you roll your eyes, Joel resists the urge to take your face in his hands and squeeze. “Oh, please,” you say, voice filled with sarcasm. “I’ve brought that woman so much sugarcane this last week, there wouldn’t be a bakery without me. I think I’m owed a little scone now and again.”

Joel is inclined to agree, but the blatant arrogance in your tone stops him. Don't you have any civility? Any manners?

You turn back to Ellie and say, “If you want another one, go on and give Stella some puppy dog eyes. She’s a real sucker for the kids.” 

“No, Ellie,” Joel says, fixing a scowl on his face. “If you want another scone, we’ll pay for it. We don’t steal from our own people.”

You roll your eyes again and start to walk away. Joel wants to watch you, wants to turn one hundred and eighty degrees to get a full glimpse of the back of those jeans. But he knows he shouldn’t. 

Ellie distracts him, an awestruck look on her face as she chews another bite of pastry. She looks up at Joel and says, “I think I just fell in love.” And then she’s clutching at her jacket like she’s having a heart attack. “Oh god—is that what this feels like? Holy shit.”

Joel just grunts in annoyance at her dramatics, but he ends up thinking about you for the remainder of the day. 

It’s wrong, he knows, to find you so appealing. You’re half his age, so full of life you’re bursting at the seams with it. And Joel is nothing but a grumpy, old man. Your polar opposite, really. 

He has to refrain from asking Tommy about you during dinner that night. But there’s so much he doesn’t know, so much he wants to unearth. How did you end up in Jackson? Why are you the only runner they allow out alone? What happened to you?

There’s something that happens to everyone these days. Joel’s is Sarah—and then Ellie. He wants to know what your something is. He wants to know why you’re so explosive, defiant, so easily provoked.

When he crawls into bed that night, he tells himself he’ll stop thinking of you tomorrow. He’ll put his curiosity to bed and allow you to continue wreaking havoc in the commune without any interference from him.

Except Joel dreams of you. He dreams about that white shirt, about those skin tight jeans. He dreams about the black lace. He dreams about what’s beneath even that. About your softness, about that gritty fight he sees in you. Joel dreams about taking you over his knee and showing you what discipline feels like, and he wakes up the next morning with sticky sheets like he’s some pillow-rutting teenage boy.

It’s embarrassing. Even though no one else knows, even though he’ll never, ever tell another soul, Joel feels shame at the realization that a mouthy, twenty year old girl is what does it for him.

Joel pushes his dreams and filthy thoughts far, far away as he makes his way to the tree blind that night. He’s running a little behind, and he can’t deny that the sole reason for his tardiness is you. 

You make him nervous. Uneasy, on edge. He never knows what to expect from you, and it drives Joel just a little bit insane. 

He expects you to arrive before him. But when he sees that both Bonnie and Greg remain and you’re nowhere to be found his jaw ticks. “She didn’t show up?”

When Bonnie shakes her head, Greg says with a shrug, “We thought she’d show up with you.”

The answer leaves Joel’s blood boiling. How could you be so inconsiderate? The two of them have been on watch for hours—likely counting down the minutes until they could be home with their families. It’s rude, Joel thinks. And he has a few choice words to say to you. He holds up a hand and says, “Give me five minutes.”

Jackson is small, and Joel is…observant. He knows you live at that little white house down on the corner. And he takes the steps of the porch two at a time, banging a fist on the door. You don’t answer, and so he’s hitting it harder, well and truly furious now. 

“What the fuck?” You rip the door open, brows pinched together. You’re wearing nothing but a pair of flannel pajama shorts and a sweater that’s two sizes too big, and Joel’s hands shake at the sight of you.

“What are you doing?”

There’s a light in your eyes, he notices—excitement maybe, or mischief. Either way, it sends off warning bells in his head, loud and demanding. “I was trying to sleep, asshole.”

The curse word on your lips sends him into a blind rage. Joel grabs you around your bicep, hard enough to bruise. “You have a job to do. We all do. Your little attitude doesn’t make you exempt.”

You snort incredulously. “You’re talking about my watch duty,” you infer, seething. “That’s such bullshit. It’s just Maria’s way of trying to get back at me for that day in the dining hall. I’m not doing that shit.”

“Yes, you are,” Joel states. He’s not sure why, exactly, it’s so important to him all of a sudden. Hadn’t he nearly begged Tommy yesterday to let him be on watch alone? “Even if I have to drag you down there myself.”

With a hand on your hip you say, “Then drag away, because I’m not mov—jesus christ!” 

Joel’s got his hand tangled in your hair, pulling you out of the house and onto the porch. It feels like silk between his fingers, and he wants to wrap it around his fist. But, more than that, Joel wants you to take this seriously, to take him seriously. He pushes you towards the steps just enough that you stumble. When you look up at him, there’s surprise, anger, and something a little more heated in your eyes. “Go,” he orders, leaving no room for negotiation. 

Much to his delight, you actually listen. You turn away from him and lead the way through Jackson, toward the edge of the commune. Joel realizes you don’t have shoes on, either, and the smallest bit of guilt weeds itself into his chest as he watches snow melt beneath your fuzzy pink socks. 

When you dismiss Bonnie, she offers you her coat. But you mutter under your breath, “No, thanks.” And the words themselves aren’t rude, but the tone you use is, and Joel wonders where the fuck your parents are. You’re not old enough for them to be gone, but even if they are, they’ve done a real shit job at teaching you to be respectful.

As Bonnie and Greg walk away with apologetic looks on their faces for Joel and what he’ll have to endure for the remainder of the night, he holds the rope ladder to the tree blind steady. “Ladies first,” he says. 

A wicked smirk tugs at your full lips. You take a step back and sweep an arm out in front of you. “By all means, ma’am.”

Joel doesn’t laugh, but it looks like you might. And your childish stab only serves to rub him raw. “You’ve got about five more seconds before I force you up there myself. And, believe me, little girl, I don’t make idle threats.”

You raise your brows in astonishment. “Fuck you, dude. Seriously.”

“Four,” he says sternly, eyes fixed on yours. He enjoys the way your mouth parts just slightly. “Three.” And the way your sweet, pink tongue darts out to wet your lips. 

“You think that’s gonna make a difference? You’re not—!”

“Two.”

“Okay! Jesus,” you huff, shoving him out of the way hard and starting up the ladder.

Joel holds it steady for you, ensuring you make it up nice and safe. And, yeah, maybe he does it for his own benefit, allowing himself to marvel at your thighs, at the swell of your ass poking out of the bottom of your shorts, the sight of all that bare skin.

He climbs up after you, slinging his rifle over his shoulder. The tree blind isn’t spacious, and Joel finds himself wishing that it had a little more room because you and your sweet-smelling skin take up too much of it. You’re sitting in one of the wooden chairs, arms crossed firmly over your chest and a glower on your face.

Instead of taking the seat beside you, Joel walks the perimeter slowly, trying to find any disturbance outside. It looks quiet tonight, though, the only movement born from the two patrolmen walking the outer walls and the song provided by the wind in the trees.

Twenty minutes in, you let out a frustrated sigh that’s a little too loud for his liking. “How many times are you going to check before you realize that nothing is happening out there?”

It’s true, but he can’t bring himself to sit that close to you. “I’m just being cautious,” he says. He’s worried about wandering thoughts, about wandering hands. Joel’s sure you hate him, and if you didn’t before tonight you most certainly do now. But that look you’d given him after he’d pulled you by your hair is what keeps him standing. Because Joel Miller has morals, but at the end of the day he’s still a man. And he’s self aware enough to know that all it would take is one look—one fucking look that gives the smallest bit of permission and he’ll be throwing caution to the wind.

“Cautious,” you mock. “Of what, the wind?” His brows pinch together, a little unnerved at how parallel your words are to his inner thoughts. “Better be careful. The universe might huff and puff and blow this blind right down, huh? Fuckin’ stupid.”

“You watch your mouth,” he snaps. He’s tired of the disrespect, of the attitude. You’re a goddamn brat, Joel thinks.

You turn in your chair, facing him with your shoulders squared in challenge. “Fuck-ing,” you repeat, annunciating every letter. “Stu-pid.”

Joel can’t help himself, morality be damned. He crosses the small space in one step and wraps a calloused hand around your neck. You try to pull him away, clawing at his wrist, hissing in pain at the force. But Joel holds firm, leaning over to look you in the eye. “Let’s get one thing straight,” he says lowly. “You might be able to pull this shit with Tommy and Maria, but it’s not gonna work on me. It’s in your best interest if you just keep silent. You understand?”

There’s something on your face that gives him pause; something more than amusement, more than gratification. It’s hot and heavy and needy. And as you stare up at him through those long lashes, your grip on his wrist loosens in submission. 

He leans down, lips inches from your ear. Joel feels you shiver in his hands as he repeats, “Do you…understand?”

Your breath gets caught in your throat. He can hear it stutter, can hear you swallow nervously. Good, Joel thinks. He likes that he makes you nervous, edgy, restless. He feels you lean slightly to the side, pressing your cheek against his greying stubble. “Yes,” you whisper, and the submission is so sweet sounding in his ears that he feels himself growing hard.

It’s that particular realization that has him pulling away from you, nearly outed by his own body. Joel finally takes the seat next to you and stares pointedly forward, out at the far end of the perimeter. He’s thankful when you slowly turn back around and remain quiet.

This he can handle, Joel thinks. As long as he doesn’t look at you, as long as you’re not spouting off at the mouth…he’ll be just fine. He’ll remain a man with his morals intact.

You pull your legs up to your chest, holding them against your body. Even though the tree blind provides a fair bit of shelter, it’s still the middle of winter in Wyoming. And Joel suddenly feels guilty about dragging you out here like this with nothing but shorts and fuzzy socks on. 

He shrugs off his coat and lays it across your legs without a word. 

But you have something to say about it, of course, suddenly forgetting your agreement of silence. “You’re real chivalrous for a brooding asshole.”

“What did I just say about that goddamn mouth of yours?”

Your eyes round and your mouth hangs open in hilarity. “Do you hear yourself? I mean, really, Joel. Seriously?”

It’s the first time you’ve ever said his name, and it sends a shock of delight down his spine. Even if you do say it in annoyance, it’s still his name in your mouth, and fuck, his resistance falters. “C’mere.”

“You can’t just tell me what to do,” you say, defiant. But you stand to your feet and set his coat on your chair. “I’m not just some little girl you can boss around.”

Joel spreads his legs wide, allowing you to stand between them. Even though he’s sitting and you’re standing over him, you look so small. Joel smirks up at you and asks, “Liked that, did you?”

“No,” you answer, too quickly for it to be true. “I didn’t like it. Not…not even a little. I don’t know how you got it in your head that you’re the boss of me but…but you’re not.”

He doesn’t speak. Instead, Joel takes a selfish minute. He lets himself drink you in real slow, raking his eyes over your face, down the smooth curve of your shoulder. Your sweater is too big, but Joel can tell you’re not wearing a bra beneath, can see the hardened peaks of your nipples through the material. Your hands hang loosely at your sides, but they tremble just a little. Joel thinks it’s real cute, how you’re pretending not to be afraid. Your legs are smooth, thighs thick and delicious.

Joel raises his hand, letting his fingertips ghost across the soft skin. He waits a couple of seconds, staring up at you, giving you the opportunity to run far, far away from him. 

But you don’t. Of course you don’t. You stay firmly planted between his legs, chest heaving with each ragged breath.

He searches your face for any apprehension as his hand begins to move, knuckles running along the top of your thigh. He finds nothing but heat in your eyes, and Joel ventures a little further. When he presses his hand between your legs, he watches as your eyes flutter closed and you take your bottom lip between your teeth. 

Your skin is searing, so hot he wonders how plumes of smoke don’t emit from you in the cold night air. He squeezes your flesh, delighting in the peaceful little sigh you give in response. He does it again, a little higher this time. And then the side of his index finger is pressing hard against the seam of your shorts, and you raise a hand to cover your mouth. 

“Joel,” you breathe. “Joel, you—”

He stops, hand freezing between your legs. He expects you to shake your head, to take that opportunity of fleeing once and for all. He’d allow it. Encourage it, even. He was no good, proved even further by the fact that he’d touched you even knowing he shouldn’t.

But you do none of these things. You only press your fingers against your mouth and squeeze your eyes closed real tight. 

“Use your words, sweetheart.”

Defiant as ever, you keep your mouth sealed firmly shut for once. Instead, you use your free hand and reach for his wrist, turning it so his hand is cupping the warmth between your thighs. Your hips shift forward slowly, experimentally. 

It’s the hottest thing Joel Miller has ever fucking seen. You’re so needy, so desperate that this little bit of friction has you moaning.

The sound is so much sweeter when it’s him making you feel good instead of some pastry, Joel thinks. 

And as much as he wants to let you use him for your own benefit, as much as he wants to see you fall apart just like this, rutting against his hand, right here, right now—Joel wants to teach you even more.

He pulls his hand away, grabbing your hips and pulling you close. You stumble towards him with a gasp, eyes snapping open. You put your hands on his shoulders to steady yourself as Joel pulls you down, forcing you to straddle his thigh. He places one hand on the small of your back and tangles the other in the hair at the base of your skull, gripping just tight enough that it hurts. 

“Gonna listen real good now, aren’t you, little girl? Hm?”

You’re nodding frantically, and Joel can feel how wet you are even through his jeans. When you start to move your hips, grinding against his thigh, Joel pulls your hair hard. 

“Did I say you could move?” 

You stop moving, even though you spit through gritted teeth, “I didn’t ask.” 

That fucking mouth on you. He has half a mind to fill it up to quiet you once and for all. But Joel’s a patient man, and he wants to see you squirm, wants to hear you beg. He tilts his head menacingly and orders, “Apologize.”

“What?” 

“You heard me,” he answers. “You said you’d be good. Now, go on.”

The glare you give him in response brings a depraved smile to his lips. But then you lean forward, pressing a kiss to his neck. The touch sends a shiver down Joel’s spine, and his cock throbs in his jeans, begging to feel your wet mouth. You kiss him again, just below his ear, and then run your tongue along his pulse. “I’m sorry, Joel,” you whisper.

And then the hand on the small of your back is pushing you forward, forcing you to grind against his thigh again. You let out a moan at the friction, nails digging into his shoulders through his flannel. He’s weak, so fucking weak. Completely at your goddamn mercy, desperate to hear the sounds you make. 

He lets you move a little faster, lets you grind yourself against his leg at whatever pace feels best. A dark spot forms on the denim spread over his thigh, and it’s the most beautiful sight he’s ever seen. 

You nestle your head against the crook of his neck, your breath warm and wet against his collarbone.

“That’s it, baby,” he says. “See how good it feels when you behave? See that?” You’re so soft, so pliable in his hands. It’s such a stark contrast to the unruly girl you were just moments ago. Joel could tell, even before he ever set his hands on you, that you were capable of being good. It just took a little discipline, that’s all.

The hand he has on your back drifts down, over the curve of your ass, even lower. When he snakes his hand below you and you drag your hips backward, his fingertips brush up against your entrance. “Oh, god,” you whimper, grinding against him even faster now, more desperate. “I’m close, please don’t stop.”

He almost listens. You sound so fucking pretty when you beg, and Joel thinks he’d be perfectly content to listen to you for the rest of his life. 

But no. No. You could apologize and beg all you wanted. That doesn’t mean the lesson is learned. Joel pulls his hand away and forces you off him, back onto stumbling feet. 

“What the fuck, Joel?!” Your hands are clenched into fists at your side, but your fury only proves his point. 

“What did I say about that mouth? Hm?”

Your lips part, and Joel has no doubt there’s another insult on the tip of your tongue. But the threat in his eyes must be enough to dissuade you because you’re rendered silent, deciding to close your sweet mouth and clench your teeth instead. 

“Not so hard, was it?” Joel shifts in his seat, settling lower, very much enjoying the glower on your face. “Don’t worry, little girl. You won’t forget your manners anymore when I’m done with you. Take off your shorts.”

The muscle in your jaw feathers, but you do as told. And Joel is proud of you, really. So, so proud of you. He watches as you hook your thumbs into the waistband of your shorts and pull them down, kicking them away with your feet.

Seeing you bare before him is magnificent, so beautiful it hurts him. Your face turns a sweet shade of pink as he takes you in; memorizing the way your pussy looks. Joel adjusts himself through his jeans, cock aching painfully. You don’t deserve an ounce of praise, not right now. Not after all the attitude you’ve given him. But the words escape him anyway. “You’re so pretty, baby,” he says. “The prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.” 

Joel leans forward, presses his mouth to your belly. And again, lower this time. His kisses are slow and soft, his stubble tickling your skin. Your fingers thread themselves through his peppery curls, tugging softly, and Joel can’t hold back his moan at the sensation.

You feel so good, and Joel knows you’ll taste even better. He convinces himself that it’s for him, not for you, as he runs his tongue along the seam of your pussy. He does it again, licking desperately, wondering if he’ll ever get his fill of you. It’s just for him, he reminds himself. 

You’re so wet that every soft stroke of his tongue makes an obscene sound, but it’s the sounds you’re making that keep his mouth between your legs.

“God, Joel, yes—mmm. That feels so good,” you moan, pressing his face against you harder. You start to tilt your hips against his face, spreading your legs wider. Joel glances up to see your head thrown back, goosebumps rising over your throat. He can’t tell if it’s the cold or him that creates them, but he selfishly hopes for the latter. 

He sucks your clit into his mouth, circling it with the tip of his tongue, and he feels your legs begin to shake, hears your breathing slow. And then he pulls away, and the sight of your eyes as they turn glassy in desperation makes every bit of his own suffering worth it. 

You know well enough by now not to scream in protest like last time, but he can see that you want to. You’re learning. Good, Joel thinks.

“Turn around,” he says. And you do, but he can feel the rage radiating off your skin. He pulls you back into his lap, laying your legs over his, spreading you real wide. 

When you finally realize his intention, your whole body melts against his chest. And it’s trust he senses then, a warm feeling that cuts through him like a razor. You’re trusting him to make you feel good, Joel knows—and he has every intention of doing just that. 

His hands are cold as they drift up the inside of your thighs. He drags them back down, and then back up even slower this time. He does this again and again, feeling you, tracing patterns into your skin, savoring the feel of you in his hands. By the time his fingertips ghost across your pussy, you’re trembling in anticipation. “Please,” you beg.

Joel presses one hand to your belly, just below your navel, and uses the other to slide his middle and index fingers through your wetness. He moves easily, gliding them over your clit, down to your entrance, circling it with the pads of his fingers but never sinking in. You tilt your hips towards them, desperate to feel them inside of you. 

You’re so beautiful like this, Joel thinks. All needy whimpers and frantic movements. He swipes his fingers over your clit, back and forth, picking up speed as your moans grow louder. 

“This all for me, little girl? You’re so wet. Look at you, makin’ a big mess in my lap.” He presses a kiss to the side of your neck.

Your knuckles turn white as you grip the arms of his chair. “Joel,” you cry out. “Joel, please, I’m gonna—!”

He stops, pulling his hand away completely. He winds it around your trembling thigh instead, spreading you so wide your muscles burn. He clicks his tongue right next to your ear, and you can feel him smiling into your hair. “ Nuh uh, baby,” he says. “Not yet. Not until I say so.”

You raise your hands to the back of his head, pulling on his hair, writhing in his lap like a woman possessed, grinding against nothing. Your slick drips down your legs, and even though you’re near to tears, Joel knows you’re enjoying this. Knows you need this. “Please,” you beg. “Please, please, just—!”

“Shh, s’alright,” he says. “Don’t you worry your pretty little head. I’m gonna take real good care of ya as long as you behave.” His words seem to relax you a little. Joel works the tension from your muscles, massaging slowly. He doesn’t touch you again until your breathing evens out.

Joel slips his hand beneath your sweater, palming your breast, squeezing the supple flesh between his rough hands. His thumb smooths across your nipple, hardens it into a perfect little point. 

It feels so good that you close your eyes and lean your head back against him, so focused on the feeling of his calloused hands that it takes you by surprise when his fingers find your pussy again. 

This time, he circles your clit once, twice, and then he’s pushing two fingers inside of you. He slides in easily, your body so worked up and desperate for him that it pulls him in. His fingers are thick, stretching you, pressing in deep. He hooks them upwards, searching, searching— there. “Ohh, yes —yes, please, Joel, fuck.”

He begins to slide his fingers out of you, but you grasp his wrist and push them right back in.

“Wait, no! No, no, please, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it, I didn’t mean it, god, just touch me, please, please, please, ” you rush out, all in a single breath. 

Joel thinks you look like damnation as you fuck yourself with his hand, moving it of your own accord, whining when you can’t get enough pressure. “Oh, baby,” he says, wiping away the tear that’s spilling down your cheek. “That’s alright, hm? I know you don’t mean it. I can see what a good girl you are. S’okay.” He presses his thumb against your clit and begins moving his hand again, thrusting his fingers inside you, caressing that sweet spot you can never reach on your own. 

Silently, Joel begins to panic. Because you’re so tight, so wet, so perfect. His perfect little girl. And he knows this is wrong, knows that while, yeah, technically, you’re an adult, Joel fucking knows better than to touch someone like you. He knows what other people will think of him, what they’ll say behind his back, what they’ll whisper about in the dining hall. He should stop it right here, right now, while there’s still a sliver of redemption to be had for him. 

But he can’t. He can’t. Not now, and he worries he’ll never be able to. Because no one, fucking no one has ever felt like this.

He picks up his pace, trying to push the thoughts from his mind. He feels you clamp down around his fingers, feels your walls tighten so much it makes a deep groan rumble through his chest. You’re close, he knows. He can see it, can feel it. 

“ Joel,” you plead when he pulls his fingers out of you. Your tears are falling freely now. Big, fat, alligator tears on your flushed cheeks. You let out a ragged moan as he pinches your nipple beneath your sweater and for a split second, he thinks he’s fucked up. Thinks he’s strung you so tight that the little bit of pain and pleasure has you tumbling over the edge.

Thankfully, though, you’re only shaking in blissful agony.

“Oh my god,” you cry, hands trembling as you scratch at his arms. Every small movement of your hips has your ass rubbing against his erection, and it’s almost enough. Watching you shake, hearing you beg for him. It’s almost enough to do him in entirely. Almost.  “Please, Joel, I’ll be good, I’ll be so good, I promise.”

He presses a kiss to your jaw, licking the salt from your sweat-slick skin. “I know you will be, baby,” he says gently. “I told you, didn’t I? Told you you’d remember your manners by the time I was done. And I haven’t even fucked you yet.”

You’re whimpering, so desperate for his hands, his mouth, for anything, that you don’t even notice what he’s doing as he reaches beneath you. No, you’re too busy grinding against his hand to notice as Joel unzips his jeans and pulls his cock out until he’s holding it against you. 

He’s got his cock between your pussy and the palm of his hand, pushing it against you hard. You feel so good against him, so warm and wet, and Joel’s moaning right along with you. Your clit is so swollen he can feel it as you grind it against the head of his cock, delicate fingers wrapped around his bicep. “Ohh, yeah. Feels real good, don’t it, pretty girl? Jus’ like that.”

“I want it, Joel,” you say, voice sweet and whiny and angelic. “Put it in, please, please.”

“Gotta get you right on the edge first,” he says, palming your breast. “Gotta make it hurt. Haven’t you learned by now, little girl?”

“But it does! It hurts, Joel, please!”

Joel leans his head back and chuckles lowly. “I know it does, I know, baby. You can take a little more though, hm? Just a little more so you remember this lesson.” So you remember me.

The thought comes wicked and unwanted. But it’s there, it’s there, embedded in his brain. Joel swallows, can feel your exhaustion as the tremble in your legs returns. And then he stops. He pulls his cock away from your warm heat and taps it against your clit as you cry out for him.

“Shh, I know, sweetheart,” he coos in your ear. He wants to wait until your body calms back down, until you’re loose and pliable again. But he can’t wait another minute, not one more goddamn second. “Don’t worry, I’ve got ya,” he says. Joel lines himself up against your entrance, so wet it’s already dripping down over him.

You’re panting as he pushes in slow, stretching you wide. You’re so tight that Joel’s not sure it’ll fit despite how soaked you are. But he works himself in inch by inch, and once he’s fully seated inside you he’s met with a wave of pride so intense he wraps his arms around your middle and rests his head against your shoulder. “Yes,” you cry, breathing a sigh of relief. “It’s so big, Joel. God.”

“You take me s’good, baby.” He presses a kiss to your shoulder, your cheek, your temple. “Gonna fuck you now, hm? Gonna fuck this little pussy real good, promise.” Joel pulls out almost completely and thrusts himself back in, slamming his hips up against yours. You let out a whine so loud he chuckles and uses a hand to cover your mouth. “Shh, quiet now,” he tells you. “Don’t want anyone getting any ideas about what we’re doing up here.”

When you stick out your tongue and suck his middle finger into your mouth, Joel’s cock twitches inside of you. Your mouth is so soft, so fucking soft he thinks he might die. Might have a heart attack right here, still inside you. You meet each of his thrusts by grinding down against him, moaning around his fingers, the prettiest thing he’s ever seen. 

Joel reaches his free hand down and rubs your clit, and two seconds later your pussy grips him like a vice. “Hold it,” he orders.

With a shake of your head, you bounce in his lap harder. “I can’t, I can’t, I—!”

“Yes you can. You can. Not till I say so, little girl. Hold it,” he says. And just because he’s decided he likes you, Joel grants you a little relief and lessens the pressure on your clit. Your walls flutter around him, and it nearly does him in. He wants to hear you, wants to fucking see you. 

He straightens in his seat, allowing for a better view. He leans over your shoulder and watches where he disappears inside you, fucks into you a little harder. 

With one last kiss against your forehead, Joel says, “Go ahead, baby. Come for me.” 

That’s all it takes. You go silent for a moment, breath held in your lungs, And then you’re shaking in his hands, a whimpering mess, flooding his lap. You say his name over and over, a prayer, or perhaps a curse. 

“That’s it, little girl. Ohh, it’s so good, hm? Feel so good when you earn it. Good girl, baby. Good fuckin’ girl. My good little girl. Yeah, there you go.” He’s talking you through it, watching it all unfold, watching you tighten around him so hard you’re nearly pushing his cock out. But Joel keeps it buried inside you, forcing it right up against that sweet spot.

It’s right then that he knows. 

Joel will never, ever be free of you. Not now. Not knowing how it feels to be inside you, knowing how it feels when you lose yourself because of him. Whatever redemption there was for him is gone now, evaporated into thin air, never to be found again.

He pulls out with just enough time to spill his come onto your thighs, fisting his cock in his hand. It’s almost a painful end, not being able to finish inside of you. 

But then you reach between your legs and run your hand through the stickiness. You bring it to your mouth and suck your fingers clean. 

Joel watches every movement, hard again at the sight.

As you stare up at him, he knows you feel it, too. That energy shift, intense and wicked and damning.

Wisps of your hair stick to your forehead, the back of your neck. You pull your fingers out of your mouth, and your swollen lips curve into a grin. You look so beautiful that it pains him. You stand back up on wobbly legs, using his thigh as support while you pull your shorts back on. 

Joel thinks you look even better as you slip your arms through his coat. It swallows you up, but it’s his and it’s on you and the sight feels like a kick to the gut. He stuffs himself back into his jeans before he can ravage you again, before he makes the situation even worse. 

You pick up his rifle from the floor and settle back into his lap. Joel has half a mind to push you away, to get some much-needed distance, to give you your last chance at freedom. 

But he’s a selfish man. So he doesn’t. He lets you lean back against him, even wraps his arms around your waist. You lay the weapon across your legs carefully. “If watch duty is always this good, tell Maria to sign me up.”

[part two]

[justagalwhowrites]

Yearling - Ch. 27: Found

You try to figure out what you want. Joel and Ellie go on patrol.A continuation of Yearling ch. 1-26 found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: Angst. CLEARLY. It's me. Homophobia. Smut-adjacent. No use of Y/N. Minors DNI 18+ Only 

Length: 11.3k (THIS IS GETTING TO BE A PROBLEM I'M SO SORRY)

AO3 | Chapter One | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Late August, 2027 

“You’re making this hard on purpose,” Ellie’s nose scrunched as she held her guitar. 

You laughed. 

“Promise, Kiddo, I’m not.” 

“Sometimes I really don’t like you, you know,” she grumbled. You snorted. “I’m serious! Swear you make me do shit the hard way because you fucking enjoy watching me struggle…” 

“You learn better when you do it yourself and do it the hard way,” you shrugged, leaning back against a post of your porch. You stretched a leg out onto the step below and picked a little at your guitar. “You’ll never learn if I just give you all the answers.” 

“Yeah yeah,” she muttered, leaning to the side to add more of her disorganized scrawl to her notebook. “Swear you didn’t have to work this hard at shit…” 

“I started a lot younger than you,” you replied, picking up the pace on your guitar and adding slaps and pops, no real rhyme or reason to it, just what your fingers felt like doing. “Everything is easier when you start young. And hey, you’ve got a leg up on any asshole who tries to learn when they’re my age.” 

“Because you’re a dinosaur?” She looked up at you from her notebook, a small smirk on her face. 

“Nah,” you replied. “They’d been dead like three years when I was born, I’m not THAT old.” 

She laughed and went back to her notes as you kept playing, looking out down the path from your yard to the road beyond. 

It was sweltering hot and you’d never been more thankful for a breeze or the fact that it was your day off from the stables. The hair that had pulled loose from your braids stuck to your skin and you’d been sweating all day, waking up with your sheets balled up at the foot of your bed and your tank top damp even with the ceiling fan on. You hadn’t even put on jeans that day, throwing on one of the few dresses that had made their way into your closet in the almost two years you’d been in Jackson. The first you’d taken when Maria mentioned seeing one she thought would fit you, not long before things fell apart with Joel. You’d intended to wear it to the Tipsy Bison on a night there was dancing once it was warmer, opening the door to Joel when you were dressed like what your mother would call “a proper lady.” You’d pictured dancing with him, his hand sliding up the inside of your thigh when you sat down to have a drink until you couldn’t take it anymore and you practically dragged him home, riding him with the skirt bunched up around your waist the second you were in the door. 

That had never happened. That dress stayed tucked safely away at the back of your closet, not able to bring yourself to part with it and the image of that night with him. 

The other dress was perfect for days like today, long and loose and thin cotton that made the oppressive heat of late summer tolerable. Even if Ellie had looked at you like you had two heads when she saw you in the damn thing. 

You didn’t mind, though. You were just glad that you had gotten to the point that you liked spending time with Ellie again. That you’d started feeling much of anything at all. 

The first month you got back was hazy. You didn’t really leave your house at first, not able to contribute much at the stable and not seeing a reason to move otherwise. 

You weren’t entirely sure how many days passed before there was the first knock at your door. 

It wasn’t an Ellie knock. The sound didn’t carry her chaotic energy or almost audacious nature. Instead, it was hesitant but sturdy and firm without being forceful or insistent. You stayed flat on your back, staring up at the ceiling of the closet for a minute to see if the knock would come again. It didn’t. You stared at the ceiling a while longer but, eventually, you had to pee. You forced yourself to move and, on your way back from the bathroom, passed your front door. You hesitated for a moment before you went and opened it, to see if whoever knocked had left a note. 

On your porch was a box filled with crackers and jerky and fruit and carrots and celery. All things you could eat without needing to cook or, really, do anything at all. You knew it was from Joel, even though it hadn’t sounded like his knock, either. There was no one else who would have brought it because no one else knew why you were locked inside your home. But he was no where to be seen. He didn’t leave a note. 

A few days later, you forced yourself to go to the stable to check on the horses. The fillies and the colt weren’t making much progress without you - you’d have to probably start nearly from scratch with them once your arm healed - but you were able to feel somewhat useful, brushing horses down, checking on their hooves to see when they’d need to be shoed, just giving them some love and attention. That helped you feel a little more like yourself. 

Ellie started coming by again a few days after that. She showed up one afternoon with a CD and a sandwich from the mess hall, marching into your living room like nothing had happened, complaining about another kid in town and how Joel wasn’t going to let her patrol with anyone but him for a while. 

“I could get partnered with Dina but no,” she drew the last word out, sprawled on your couch, rolling her eyes as she did. “The old man is convinced I’m going to drop dead if he’s not looking out for me for five minutes…” 

“I’m sure he’ll ease up once he sees how capable you are,” you said, sitting on the loveseat and picking up the CD case she’d brought with her. The Clash this time. “Mick Jones and Joe Strummer, nice choice. Why do you want to go out with Dina, anyway? I thought not everything was about girls…” 

“Shut up.” 

“Nah.” 

You were’t sure if you were really doing better or if you’d just found a way to push the hurt down inside yourself again. You weren’t sure there was a way to recover from this, from the idea that you’d probably never see your child again. Clinging to the possibility felt so necessary but so foolish. You weren’t sure if it was reason or denial but it didn’t really matter. You weren’t sure you could live without that possibility dulling the jagged edges of your grief and pain. 

The boxes of food made regular appearances on your porch. You never saw Joel. 

When you were close to getting your cast off, Ellie came by your house but didn’t shove her way inside the way she usually did. Instead, she hovered on your porch. 

“OK don’t be mad,” she said, a serious look on her face. 

“Off to a great start,” you replied.

She glared at you for a second before pressing on. 

“Joel sent me with a message,” she said. “He wanted me to tell you that the movie tonight was something called Ever After and that he thought you would like it and that he wasn’t going to be there so you should go. And to not be mad. I think you shouldn’t be mad, too, by the way.” 

“Not mad,” you smiled a little. “I just… I don’t know…” 

“Come on, Bambi,” Ellie said, dropping some of her pretense now. “Dina’s going with Jesse and I’ve never seen it and I really don’t want to be stuck sitting by them while they suck face.” 

You sighed, looking back over your shoulder in the direction of Joel’s house. You found yourself looking that way a lot. 

“Alright,” you said after a moment, looking back at Ellie. “I’ll go. But only to save you from your crush…” 

“I’m going to ignore that last part and just be happy you’re going,” she said, a little smug. “Even though you’re annoying about it.” 

“So annoying,” you agreed, stepping into your boots, turning on the lamp and following her out the door. 

It was strangely easy to adjust to being around the people of Jackson again. Ellie gave you something to focus on, busy trying to distract her from the Dina and Jesse acting exactly like you remembered some of your friends in high school acted with their boyfriends. 

“What’s this movie about, anyway?” Ellie asked as the two of you settled in toward the back of the room. 

“It’s been a long time since I’ve seen it,” you said. “But I think it was like Cinderella.” 

Ellie looked at you and made a face. 

“Like the fairy tale.” 

“Yup,” you replied. She stared at you and you laughed a little. “What?” 

“I’m just trying to picture you liking a fucking fairy tale.” 

You rolled your eyes and crossed your arms as best you could with one in a cast. 

“What?” She teased. “Don’t tell me you like some stupid story where love solves everyone’s problems…” 

“What’s wrong with that?” Julie, the woman you’d seen a few times at the Tipsy Bison and when she went out on patrol, appeared alongside Ellie, a large bowl of popcorn in her hands. 

“It’s bullshit,” Ellie said. “There’s a reason they’re stories for little kids.” 

“Maybe you just haven’t loved that way yet,” she smiled a little before nodding to the chair on the other side of you. “Seat taken?” 

You hoped you didn’t just stare at her for too long. People didn’t just talk to you in Jackson, not without a reason, let alone try to sit by you. You weren’t entirely sure what to do with it.

“All yours,” you said, tugging your legs in close so she could pass you and sit down. She settled in beside you and smiled, holding out the bowl. 

“Thanks,” she said. “Popcorn?” 

“Sure,” you said after a moment, taking some with your good hand. “Thank you.” 

“Course,” she smiled a little bigger in a lopsided, almost cocky way. “What’s the point of popcorn if you don’t share it?” 

The movie was good. You’d only seen it once or twice before the outbreak but you’d liked it then, too. Cinderella was smart and capable, the prince was handsome and kind and you liked to imagine the way life was in that period of time. 

“OK so that wasn’t terrible,” Ellie said as you headed out with her and Julie. 

“Told you,” you teased a little. 

“No one told me that sometimes the girls in fairy tales got to be badasses,” she replied. “I might have liked the stories more then!” 

“The girls are always badasses,” Julie said. “They just try to hide it, scares the men otherwise.” 

Ellie snorted. 

“Sounds right.” 

You reached Joel’s. There was a light on in his living room and you felt the familiar tug in you to go inside and join him. Just let yourself in the front door and settle in like it was yours. 

“I’m gonna go tell the old man that his taste in movies isn’t totally awful,” Ellie said, heading up the front walk. “Still want help tomorrow at the stable?” 

“Stalls ain’t gonna muck themselves,” you replied and held up your still healing arm. “And this isn’t much help.” 

“Ugh,” she groaned good naturedly. “Night!” 

You watched until she made it to the front door - not that the precaution was really necessary here but it made you feel better - and you turned to Julie, your good hand stuffed in your pocket. 

“I’m that way and to the left,” you said. “So…” 

“Mind if I join you?” She asked. “Nice night, figure I’ll take the scenic route.” 

You looked at her for a moment. 

“Sure,” you shrugged. “Not much to see though.” 

“See, that’s where you’re wrong,” she smiled one of those lopsided smiles and fell into step beside you, walking a little slower than you and you slowed down to match her pace. You looked ahead. “So, how’ve you been doing? Don’t see you at the Bison much anymore.” 

“Fine,” you shrugged. “Just haven’t felt like going out.” You looked over at her and had the passing thought that she was pretty. Young, with long, dark hair and bright eyes and full lips.“How about you?” 

“Oh you know,” she waved you off. “Same old, same old. The berries are coming into season though, have you been to check out the orchards and stuff?” 

“I’ve ridden past them,” you said. “Haven’t exactly spent time there, though.” 

“You should!” She brightened at that, even more than she already was. The two of you came to a stop at your front walk. “Think you’d like it. You should come with me sometime, it’d be fun.” 

“Yeah, maybe,” you smiled a little tightly. “This is me, so…” 

“Nice place,” she smiled back, looking more genuine than yours felt. “Well, whenever you want to check it out, let me know. Hope to see you around.” 

“You too,” you said, standing there awkwardly for a moment before turning and heading up the walk and into your house. 

You went to the mess hall the next morning for breakfast. Dinner, too. And soon, your cast was off and you were going there for most meals, even if it was just to grab something to bring home or go to the stables. The food boxes stopped showing up on your porch. 

Instead, you’d come back from the stables and find new guitar strings waiting for you there or a CD that you didn’t have or a copy of Titanic on VHS, the one that took two tapes and you had to get up halfway through to change it. 

You’d told Joel he should move on. You weren’t sure if you really wanted him to - you doubted you’d be able to stomach seeing him with someone else - but you didn’t want him to be alone, either. You didn’t want to drag him down with you just because you couldn’t separate his past from your own. 

“OK so I think I have it,” Ellie said, pulling you out of your head and making your fingers still. “Can you look?” 

She shoved the notebook your way and you leaned over your guitar to look at it, fingering the chords but not playing them. 

“Yeah,” you said after a minute. “I think that’s probably closer to what you’re looking for, give it a go.” 

You pushed the notebook back towards her and she set her guitar on her lap, adjusting it for a second before playing it. You nodded along, watching as she scrunched her face, getting more and more frustrated before she groaned. 

“That’s not right either,” she leaned her head back on the post at her back. “Song writing shouldn’t be this hard. This is bullshit.” 

“The shit that’s worth doing is hard, kid,” you shrugged. “Why don’t you try thinking about it again for a minute. Do you want it to feel urgent or slow and confident? Both are strong but they’re going to have different vibes.” 

She sighed and closed her eyes. 

“I don’t know.” 

“Well,” you shrugged, settling back with your guitar. “Figure out how you’re feeling and what you want the song to say about it. It’ll come to you.” 

You went back to playing as Ellie picked her notebook back up, gnawing on the end of her pen. 

“I didn’t know you played!” 

You stopped and your head shot up from its place on the post to see Julie standing at the end of your walk, her hands in the pockets of her shorts, her thick hair piled on top of her head, her arms looking sculpted and strong in her tank top. 

“Sorry,” she laughed. “Didn’t mean to scare you. Can I come up?” 

“Um…” 

“Sure!” Ellie said before you had a chance to really think about it. Julie reached over the short fence and unlatched the gate before opening it and coming up to your porch, sitting on the bottom step so she was looking up at you and Ellie. 

“Didn’t know there was a guitar club in town,” she said, folding one leg into her chest and looping her arms around her shin. “Don’t stop on my account! What song was that?” 

“Oh, that wasn’t anything,” you said, running your fingers up and down the neck of the guitar. “Just… fidgeting, really.” 

“Yeah, Bambi is fucking awesome,” Ellie said. “Best guitar player in town, easy.” 

“Ellie,” you gave her a look but she ignored you. 

“Seriously, you name it and she can probably play it,” she said. “She knows so much about music it’s insane.” 

“Not really,” you cut her off. “I just like music so I learned about what I liked, that’s all…” 

“Oh bullshit,” Ellie rolled her eyes. “She’s a human juke box, try her.” 

“Do you mind?” Julie asked, looking at you with her brows raised. Her eyes were bright green and almost sharp. 

“As long as you’re prepared to be disappointed,” you shrugged. “I can try.” 

Ellie scoffed and Julie ignored her. 

“I remember this song from when I was a kid, just before the outbreak,” she said. “It actually took me a while to track down the name of it after and you might think it’s silly but… I’m With You? Know that one?” 

You smiled a little. 

“I know that one,” you said, settling the guitar on your lap. “Haven’t tried to play it before, though. Avril’s not really my wheelhouse, so… go easy on me.” 

You couldn’t remember exactly how the song started but you remembered the chorus and you remembered a verse from there. The music just trailed off at the end, not really remembering how the song ended either, and you awkwardly drummed your fingers on the body of the guitar when you stopped playing, Ellie and Julie both watching you. 

“Right, well,” you said. “Like I said, not really my wheelhouse and…” 

“That was fantastic!” Julie cut you off, her broad smile making the freckles on her cheeks rise. 

“Told you,” Ellie said. “She’s the best.” 

“Well I figured that much,” Julie rolled her eyes a little dramatically but smiled that cocky smile as she did before looking back to you again. “Thanks for letting me put you on the spot.” 

“Any time,” you said before you really had a chance to think about it. She smiled a little bigger. 

“Hey, so, I hadn’t meant to break up the jam session,” she said. “I was actually coming by to see if you wanted to come with me tomorrow afternoon, I was going to head out to the orchards for a bit. You’re welcome to join, get outside for a bit. It’s nice, promise.” 

“Um,” you said for what felt like the millionth time that day, trying to picture the stable schedule. “I think that would work, I have some patrols leaving that morning but should be able to step away for a bit in the afternoon…” 

“Perfect,” she said, getting up. “I need to get down to the Bison but I’ll meet you at the stables tomorrow?” 

“That’s where I’ll be,” you smiled in a way you hoped was genuine. “Looking forward to it.” 

“It’ll be fun,” she said. “I’ll see you then. Bye, Ellie!” 

“Bye Julie,” she dragged her name out and gave you a look. You seriously considered kicking her. Julie laughed and started down your walk, only making it halfway to the gate before turning around and walking backwards, looking back at you with her hands in her back pockets. 

“Nice dress, by the way,” she said. “It works for you. See you tomorrow!” 

You went back to messing with your guitar as you tried to not watch her walk up the lane. Ellie was far less delicate, craning her neck until Julie turned the corner. 

She spun to face you and swatted your leg. 

“Oh my GOD,” she half whispered, half yelled at you. 

“What?” You asked, fingers stilling on the strings. 

“That!” She said. “All that fucking flirting!” 

“Ellie…” 

“Oh come ON,” she cut you off. “You may as well have fucked right on your porch, Jesus Christ…” 

“OK I will say this again,” you said, setting your guitar down beside you. “Who is and isn’t between my legs? Not your business.” 

“Well that’s just not true,” she rolled her eyes. “You’re the one who fucked Joel and made it my business.” You sighed and went to reply but she held up a hand. “Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather you two work your shit out and get back together. But if you’re not going to figure it out then you shouldn’t just be miserable and lonely forever and Julie is hot as fuck.” 

“Ellie!” You hissed. 

“What!” She replied, her brows raised. “She is!” 

“Jesus…” 

“Just saying!” She said, her hands up in mock surrender. “Julie’s cool. And hot. I think you’d have fun. And you should at least try to have some fun sometimes instead of just being miserable all the time.”

“What if I like being miserable.” 

“Just don’t chicken out,” Ellie said, ignoring you and picking up her guitar before getting to her feet. “But I’m getting hungry. Think I’ll go see what the old man is doing for dinner. You’re welcome to come along if you’d rather not be miserable with us…” 

“Ellie.” 

“Right, right,” she rolled her eyes. “I mean it, fucking go tomorrow. You big chicken.” 

“Go home, you little brat,” you replied. She cheerfully flipped you off before heading back toward Joel’s. 

You sat on your porch for a while longer, absently playing and watching as the color of the sky slowly shifted from blue to pink to deep, inky black. The darkness seemed to swallow everything, like there wasn’t anything beyond what was right in front of you. But you knew that if you walked far enough, followed the light of the north star, you’d find things beyond what consumed here and now. 

It was late when you finally went inside, scrounging in your kitchen for the last of some of what Joel had brought you even though you weren’t particularly hungry. You turned on the stereo and just let whatever CD you’d put in last play, not really paying attention 

You found yourself thinking about Julie. About what Ellie said about Julie. 

It had been a long time since you’d had a woman flirt with you. You’d been with your fair share of women since the outbreak but flirting hadn’t really been part of it. Marisa was the first woman you’d slept with and, after Savvy came along, you stopped seeking out that kind of connection with men and kept it to strictly women. It just seemed safer. After Marisa, it had always been casual - you didn’t think you could bear another heartbreak like that - and it had always been fairly blunt. You could generally tell if they were interested in letting off some physical steam and, if they were, you had fun for a few days before they moved on. 

But things with Julie reminded you of one of your first crushes, a girl who did trick riding on the same circuit as you when you were a girl. You’d first noticed Courtney when you were both 13. She was so beautiful you couldn’t help but stare at her. At first, you’d almost resented her. She was good, damn good, and she was full of charismatic smiles and she dusted glitter across her collarbones that peeked out from the top of her costume. She was exactly who your mother wished you were and, as much as you loved bronc and bull and roping, part of you wanted to be who your mother wanted you to be. You wanted to be satisfied with what she wanted for you and you wanted to be happy being who Courtney was so effortlessly. Life would be simpler and happier if you were content with that and Courtney was proof that life existed. And you wanted it.

You settled for beating her, for a while. Narrowing your eyes at her when you passed her between rounds at competitions, looking her way when you saw your scores narrowly eclipse hers on the board. You loved it. The only thing you wanted more than beating her was her. 

Hell if you knew what to do with that. 

In hindsight, you weren’t sure she knew, either.

The first time she’d said more than two words to you was when you’d smirked at her as you held the first place trophy. You went to the locker room after the awards ceremony and you had the place almost to yourself, most of the other girls already cleaned out. The third place winner - a girl who’s name you didn’t remember - left and it was just a few seconds later that you heard the door slam into the wall. You looked up to see Courtney stalking over to you. You could see the glitter on her collarbones and her cheeks, her eyes hot and her lips full. 

“Want to tell me what the hell your problem is?” She demanded, getting so close to you that you could smell her body spray. It was almost sickly sweet and floral but on her it smelled good. “What did I ever do to you? Why do you hate me so much!” 

“I don’t hate you…” you said. 

“Could’ve fooled me!” She cut you off. 

“Why do you care?” You snapped. “We compete, we’re not friends, who cares if I hate you?” 

“I care!” She snapped back. 

“Why!” 

“Because I like you!” She yelled, breathless. You just blinked at her for a moment as she caught her breath, her eyes drifting to your lips. “I like you and sometimes…” 

She didn’t get a chance to finish. Instead, you kissed her. 

It was clumsy and deeply uncertain. You’d never kissed anyone before and you had no idea what you were doing, your hands locked tight at your sides as though touching her anywhere at all was against the rules but you were risking it, anyway. Her mouth was warm and soft and it seemed oddly wet even though that made sense when you thought about it. 

After a moment you pulled back from her slightly, your eyes wide, not really believing what you’d just done. 

“I’m sorry,” you said, your turn to be breathless now. “I… I don’t know…” 

“Shut up,” she kissed you that time, pressing you back against the lockers, stretching up to better reach your lips, her body hot on your own. You kissed her back, trying to focus and take in everything. How she tasted, how she smelled, how her costume hugged the slight curve of her waist. 

“Courtney!” Her mother’s shrill voice from the hall made her jump away from you and wipe her mouth on the back of her hand. “You about ready honey?” 

“One minute!” She called back before turning to you. “Do you have a some paper?” 

You just nodded and fumbled in your bag for a notebook. She turned to a random page that happened to have some history notes on it and wrote her name and number at the top. Her handwriting was soft and curved and feminine and you envied that, too. She drew a little heart next to it. 

“Call me,” she said, pressing the notebook into your chest. “OK?” 

“Yeah,” you said, staring at her. You couldn’t help but stare at her. “Yeah, I will.” 

“Good,” she smiled. “See you next time, superstar. Maybe I’ll finish on top then.” 

“Courtney!” 

“Coming!” She grabbed her bag out of a nearby locker and gave you an almost sly smile before she ran out to meet her mother. 

From then on, most of your time with her was flirting. In between rounds at competitions or on the phone when you were far apart, carefully crafting your words so you’d have plausible deniability with your parents but know what the other meant. You wrote each other letters when you were apart, counted the days until you got to see each other again. When you found an empty spot when you were in the same place, you ended up tangled up together, kissing and fumbling against each other, figuring out what seemed to stoke the fires deep inside yourselves in the small moments you could find for just the two of you. 

That continued for just over a year when Courtney came to a tournament with a somber expression on her face. You frowned but she gave you a subtle shake of her head as she passed you and you kept quiet. It took a few hours before you were able to get her alone and she told you the truth of it. That her mom had found your letters to her - thankfully not signed so she had no idea who had written them but still obviously from another girl - and had told her daughter that she, unequivocally, would end it. 

“But…” you protested, trying not to cry. 

“I’m sorry,” she said, her voice thick. “But… she threatened to send me to one of those camps if I don’t and… I can’t go to that, OK? I can’t, I don’t think I could make it and…” 

You held onto her as she cried, her tears making little rivers in the glitter on her skin. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I really… I think I…” 

You kissed her before she said it. 

“Me too,” you said quietly when you pulled away. 

She sniffed and smiled a small smile.

“Maybe in another life, right?” 

“Right,” you smiled a little back. 

She dried her eyes as best she could and you watched from the stands as she gave the best performance you’d ever seen. You did the opposite. Your routine ended with a full Stroud Layout but your top foot slipped when you were getting into position and you fell off your horse, tumbling over and over yourself in the sand of the arena, the feel of it gritty in your mouth as your head spun when your body finally came to a stop. 

You didn’t make the podium and your mother didn’t push you to compete again for a while. You never saw Courtney again. 

You weren’t sure how to navigate things with Julie. You weren’t sure what you wanted to navigate with Julie. She was beautiful, yes. And she seemed kind and funny and smart. She seemed like someone you could have fun with and could care about. 

But she wasn’t Joel. You weren’t sure you could feel like you felt for him for anyone else. It seemed silly to even try. And if you couldn’t feel like that, what was the point? 

You tried to sleep but gave up eventually. After a while, you found the moose carving you’d started when you were out with Joel, looking for Savvy. It was getting closer to being done, though it was still a rough hewn thing. You weren’t sure anyone who didn’t know what it was supposed to be would realize what it was without help. But still, it felt good to make something. You let yourself be absorbed by carving it for a bit, until it felt like you’d shut your mind down enough to sleep. You set the moose down on the nightstand, arranging him so it was like he was watching you sleep, the red splotch from your blood still staining his chest.

You brought him with you to the stables the next day for something to work on when you needed the distraction. Just sitting there with your thoughts when you had downtime seemed like a bad idea. 

“You’re gonna tell me all about it, right?” Ellie asked as you gave Shimmer and Ares a final once over that morning. 

“I don’t need to tell you every time I hang out with someone,” you replied. 

“Whatever,” she said. “Just don’t chicken out. Actually go, you need a social life…” 

“What, getting sick of keeping me company all the time?” You teased, handing her the reins. 

“Yeah, you’re pretty fucking boring,” she smirked a little. You snorted. “I’m serious though. Promise you’ll go.” 

“I’m going,” you said, giving her a gentle shove toward the door. “Get out of here. Be safe on patrol, see you back tonight.” 

“Not if you’re at Julie’s you won’t,” she waggled her eyebrows at you and you rolled your eyes as you watched her lead her and Joel’s horses out of the stables. 

Time dragged until that afternoon and you found yourself feeling oddly nervous, waiting for Julie to come by. You weren’t sure what time she was supposed to get there and, you realized, you didn’t know what to actually expect with any of this. 

Yeah, it had felt like flirting. And Ellie seemed sure that it was. But Ellie was a kid and your recent experience in that department was so limited you really knew fuck all about it. What if you’d read the situation completely wrong? What if Julie was just a nice woman who wanted to be friends? 

“Hey you,” Julie’s voice surprised you enough that it made you jump, water sloshing over the side of the bucket you were carrying to top off one of the horses. “Shit, I’m sorry! Didn’t mean to scare you…” 

“You’re fine,” you said quickly, refilling a waterer and setting the bucket down. 

“Now still good?” She asked. “Because I’m not in a rush, today is my day off…” 

“Now’s good,” you said quickly, trying not to think too hard about what she was wearing. Her long, lush hair was softly braided and hung over her shoulder, loose strands framing her face. Her shorts were short and her legs were long and sculpted and she wore a few long necklaces that settled into the curve between her breasts. She smiled. 

“Great!” She held up a bag you hadn’t noticed before. “Brought snacks. Not that we’ll need much, it’s peak berry season out there. We could eat ourselves sick and not make a dent.” 

“Don’t tempt me,” you smiled a little. 

“Oh, I intend to,” she smiled back. 

Julie led the way out of town, smiling and chatting with the guards at the gate for a moment before heading toward the orchards just east of town. 

“So why are you heading out here on your day off?” You asked, looking over at her. 

“Well as I think you know, one of my main contributions to the good people of Jackson is tending bar at the Bison,” she smiled. “But that’s because I just really like drinks. I found this old cocktail book when I was a teenager and I just kind of became obsessed, I guess? There was that and these books and magazines that showed what it was like before and I wanted to do that. Have the experience of going to a bar when life was different, you know? And yeah, we make some pretty decent booze here in town - or I think we do, anyway, didn’t really get to try any before - but that’s not all it takes to make a good cocktail. I can’t make a Coke or anything but I can make the syrups and infusions and things. I like to experiment in my spare time so I come out here, pick the supplies I need, and give things a try at home before I bring my ideas into the Bison.” 

“Do I get to know what you’re working on?” You asked, brows raised. 

“If I told you, I’d have to kill you,” she smirked. “But I will need a guinea pig before too long if you’re game…” 

“Far be it from me to turn down a free drink,” you replied and she smiled bigger. 

The orchards were, indeed, beautiful. You followed her to a particularly dense spot and she pulled a blanket out of the bag, spreading it on the ground in the shade of an apple tree. 

“I won’t lie,” she said, sitting back on her hands and closing her eyes, taking a deep breath. “This is probably my favorite spot.” 

“I can see why,” you nodded, drawing your knees into your chest and looking around. “It’s gorgeous here.” 

“It’s quiet here,” she laughed a little. “Don’t get me wrong, I love Jackson. Way better than the QZ we were in when I was a kid. It’s a good place with good people. I love the people, truly, I do. But everyone knows everyone and knows everything about everyone and it’s so hard to have anything for yourself, you know?” 

“Yeah,” you nodded. “It’s a great place but… it’s definitely a lot.” 

You talked a little about your pasts. You told her - vaguely, lightly - about your time before Mitchum. She told you about her time in the Denver QZ and you almost fainted when she said she was only 31 years old. 

“How old were you when the world ended?” You gaped at her. “Do you even remember?” 

“I was seven,” she laughed. “I remember a bit. How old were you?” 

“Older than that,” you replied. “Jesus…” 

“Not that old, clearly,” she said, picking a blackberry off a bush and holding it out to you. “This is a good one, you should have it.” 

“Old enough,” you replied. “And if it’s good, you should have it.” 

“I have them all the time,” she said, stepping close to you. You were suddenly acutely aware of the fact that you were wearing the same clothes you’d been wearing when working with the horses all day and you hoped you didn’t smell. She pressed the berry to your lips. “Try it.” 

You obeyed, taking the fruit into your mouth and biting into it, the juice bursting on your tongue. 

“See?” She smiled. “Told you.” 

The two of you ended up back on the blanket and you stretched out on it, looking up at the clouds drifting lazily past overhead, arms bare - too hot to wear anything more than a tank top - but not feeling overly exposed. Julie lay next to you, her arm brushing your own. 

“Is it weird that I sometimes don’t feel like I missed out?” She asked. You felt her adjust next to you and you glanced her way to see her lying on her side, facing you. “I mean I know there was a lot before that we don’t have now but… I dunno, I guess I still wanted to be a ballerina when the world ended. It doesn’t feel like I really gave up all that much, you know?” 

“Think that has as much to do with Jackson as anything else,” you replied, adjusting so that you were facing her. “But I get that, in a way. If I’d found Jackson when I was younger, I think I’d feel the same. Shit, what I’m doing now is exactly what I grew up wanting to do. If it wasn’t for all the time in between, the end of the world would have just turned into me getting just what I wanted. Besides all the death anyway.” 

“Think you’re right about the Jackson thing,” she smiled a little. “It’s a special place with good people. Like a few better than the others, though.” 

“Yeah?” 

She reached out and brushed some of the hair that had fallen from your braid back from your face and trailed her fingers down your cheek and your chin. 

“Yup.” 

She leaned in then, moving slow and holding your gaze, giving you all the time in the world to stop her if you wanted. 

You didn’t. 

Her kiss was soft and gentle, her lips smooth on yours. She tasted and smelled sweet and her hand went to your hip, tugging you against her. 

Julie’s body was softer than you expected as she pressed against you and, in so many ways, she felt safe and comfortable there. But she felt foreign, too. You’d become accustomed to a different form on yours, one that was larger and broader and firmer. 

You tried not to think about him as her kiss deepened, as your hand went to her waist and trailed over her side but stopped short of cupping her breast. 

She nudged you onto your back and she settled on top of you, her chest pressed tight to yours, her hips starting to rock gently against you. You ran your hands over her back to the top of her ass but didn’t go lower, not able to shake the subtle wrongness of kissing someone and feeling someone who wasn’t Joel. 

After a minute, she pulled away from you. 

“I get the feeling you’re not as into this as I am,” she said, panting a little. You opened your mouth to argue but she silenced you with a look. “If I misread things, I’m really sorry. But you should know that you don’t have to fuck me just because I’m trying to fuck you.” 

“You didn’t misread anything,” you said quickly. 

“Good,” she smiled a little. “But… It doesn’t seem like you’re feeling this.” 

You winced. 

“I don’t know what I’m feeling,” you said. “But… I don’t think I’m feeling what you are.” 

“Well shit,” she laughed a little and rolled off you, lying flat on her back beside you. “I really am sorry if I came on too strong or did something you didn’t want…” 

You laughed a little. 

“Definitely not that,” you said. “Just have… other things on my mind. And you deserve someone’s full attention.”

She turned her head to look at you and you turned yours, too. 

“It’s Joel, isn’t it?” She asked. You winced a little. “Sorry, I’m not trying to dig into anything that’s not my business, it just… seemed like you guys split up a while ago so I thought it would be OK. I’m sorry.” 

“No, it probably should be,” you said. “It’s got nothing to do with you, trust me.” 

“Well,” she said. “At the risk of this being the most awkward hang out ever… want to help me get some raspberries?” 

“Sure,” you laughed a little. “I’d like that.” 

She smiled. 

“Good. Me too.” 

It was awkward for a bit, but by the time the two of you started back to Jackson, it was lighter. Easier. Like you’d never kissed at all. 

Julie walked with you back to the stables, not too long before you were expecting patrols that weren’t out overnight to return. 

“Even with everything today, I hope we can be friends,” she said. “I do actually like you. Not just because I’d like to fuck you.” 

You laughed a little. 

“Yeah, I’d like that, too,” you said. “I’m sorry I’m not… in the same place on the fucking front…” 

“I’d rather pretend we never found that out,” she laughed a little. “Maintain some of the mystery. But, you know. If anything changes, it’s a small town. You know where to find me.” 

“That I do,” you said. 

She turned to leave but seemed to think better of it and turned back. 

“If he’s it for you?” She said. “I think you should figure out a way to make it work. No point in wanting something and acting like you can’t have it when it’s right there, you know? And yeah, it’s not really my business and yeah, I don’t know you all that well but… something tells me you’re not going to be feeling any different anytime soon. And I don’t think he is either. Just… my two cents.” 

She smiled and leaned in, pressing a kiss to your cheek. 

“Thanks, Julie,” you said quietly. She gave your arm a squeeze. 

“See you around, Bambi.” 

You watched the door she left through for a few minutes after she was gone before you went back to work. 

The patrols all made it back without incident, Ellie returning her and Joel’s horses. She asked how things went but you just waved her off and she deflated a bit. 

“I keep trying to get some excitement around here,” she said. “You are no fucking help, you know that?” 

“I am so sorry my romantic life isn’t more entertaining,” you said wryly. “I’ll work on that. Entirely for your benefit, of course.” 

“Well you’re clearly not going to do it for your own.” 

You just rolled your eyes as she headed back home. You stayed late at the stables. Not for any real reason, you just didn’t want to be at home alone and going to the mess hall didn’t sound like what you wanted, either. You worked on the moose carving, pleasantly surprised at the progress you’d made on him. 

You ended up working on him until, almost suddenly, you realized he was done. Fully formed - or as close to it as you could get him - with four legs and jagged shapes for the antlers. But he looked like a moose, broad and steady and strong. You turned him over in your hand a few times, running your finger over the arch of his back and the curve of his neck. 

“What am I going to do with you?” You said quietly, holding it up in front of you, looking where his eyes would be if he had them. The bloodstain was still crimson on his chest. 

After a few minutes, you got up off the floor of the stable and did your final check for the evening before locking up behind you and heading home. 

You took the long way. 

It was dark but not so late that the Tipsy Bison had closed for the night, a warm glow coming from the windows. With the sun down, you were a little cold with bare arms but you didn’t mind. You walked slowly, watching the stars as you went. 

You stopped at the end of Joel’s walk. The lights were out. You thought he probably went to bed early - he got tired after a patrol - but he could be at the Bison, too. Either way… 

You all but crept up his walk, holding the moose tightly in your fingers. You stopped at the base of his stairs and held the rough-hewn animal in front of your face again. 

“Keep an eye on him for me?” You said quietly to the wood. It didn’t say anything back. You stepped as lightly as you could up the stairs but the same step as always squeaked below you. You set the moose on Joel’s doormat before turning to go, making the step squeak again. You made it almost all the way back up the walk when the lights inside turned on and you picked up the pace. 

It didn’t matter. You heard the front door open just as you turned onto the street and your eyes darted over toward him before you could help it. 

“Bambi?” He called, not too loud. He was in his blue cotton plaid sleep pants and a black t-shirt that hugged his body just right, tight across his shoulders and upper arms, highlighting the soft curve of his stomach. You stopped for a moment and just gave him a tight smile before continuing on home. 

When you went to bed, you found yourself looking at the spot on your nightstand where the moose had been before, part of you wishing he was still beside you.

***

“Hey. Hey Joel.” 

Joel smiled a little to himself. He recognized Ellie’s tone. 

“What’s up, kiddo?” 

“Wanna hear a joke about pizza?” 

He sighed, trying to sound annoyed. He wasn’t sure if it worked. 

“Get the feeling you’re gonna tell me either way.” 

“Eh, never mind,” Ellie said, sounding a little put out. Joel looked back at her, frowning slightly. And then she smirked. “It’s too cheesy.” 

Joel groaned. 

“That one’s bad, baby girl.” 

“No it’s not!” She rode up alongside him even though the trail wasn’t really wide enough for that. “That was a good one!” 

“Nope,” he shook his head. “It was terrible, three out of 10.” 

“Bullshit!” 

“What would you give it?” He asked, brows raised. “Because I’m questioning your judgement here…” 

“At least a six.” 

“No.” 

“Yes!” She laughed. “You’ve just got shitty taste, old man.” 

“Uh huh,” he laughed. “And what’s that say about you then, hm?” 

“Broken clock is right twice a day,” she replied. “You were bound to accidentally do OK every now and then. Will Livingston, however, is right every time.” 

“You got that entire book memorized?” He teased lightly. “If not, you gotta be close…” 

“I’m getting there,” she said. “Saving the best for last.” 

Joel just shook his head a little. 

He loved patrolling with Ellie. Even more than he thought he would. It was so much like when he’d first come to know her and care for her. It was a time, he realized now, that made him understand that he could still love. That he had it within himself to care for another person, that he could cope with the fear of loss that came with attachment because Ellie was worth it. He liked spending the time just the two of them and getting to know her better as the young woman she was becoming instead of the little girl he’d come to know years earlier. She’d grown so much, come into her own in a way that was only possible in a place like Jackson. She had friends and hobbies and had become part of the community there. Every day with her was reassurance that he’d done the right thing. That every life he’d taken that day in the hospital was a worthy price to pay. 

Joel had left Jackson with Ellie plenty before patrolling with her, back when she was still speaking to him. Before she found out the truth of everything. He’d loved it then, too. But this was different. She was still his baby girl but they were out here as partners, working together to protect the community they both loved. It was a glimpse of the future they had, one where their lives moved along side by side and he got to watch her find her place and fall in love and have a family of her own and just be happy as herself. 

They were only a day out from Jackson now, heading in from a three day long patrol. It was Ellie’s first overnight patrol and she’d been so excited for it, even as she tried to pretend like she wasn’t. The days before they left town, Ellie was over at his house every night, going over the list of what she should bring and looking over the map. She’d lit up when he said they could bring a guitar, something else that made Joel smile. 

It had been more than a month since she’d gotten him back into playing, showing up at his house with a guitar and saying she wanted his opinion on something. She played American Girl, one of his favorites, and set the guitar down when she was done. 

“That was amazing, baby girl,” he’d said, more than a little in awe of her. “Where did you learn that?” 

“Bambi,” she replied. “But do you think it’d sound better with two? I feel like it would. But you’re the musician so…” 

It was an obvious ploy but it made him smile a little. The idea that Ellie would do that much to make him play again. That you’d help her. 

“It might,” he said, getting up to get his instrument. “Let’s give it a try.” 

Joel tried to not think of you too much. He usually failed. But he was getting better at not drowning in the memories of you, of not letting the loss of you consume him. 

It helped that he’d found a way to care for you while respecting the distance you wanted. He couldn’t bring himself to just abandon you, not when he had a sense of how much you were hurting. So he brought you food. Selfishly, it served two purposes. It meant you were, hopefully, eating something. But it also meant he knew that you were still alive. That he could leave a box on your porch, walk by a few hours later, and see that it was gone. He could check on you without forcing you to talk to him and that eased the steady drumbeat of worry inside him. 

When he heard you were back at the stables, he shifted from things you needed to things you would want. He brought you the things he found that made him think of you, things he’d have given you when he came home to you in another life. 

It also helped that he knew you thought of him, too. At least occasionally, enough that you’d left the carving you’d made on his porch a few weeks before. He thought he was hearing things when the first squeak woke him up from his place on the couch, but then the step squeaked a second time and he was sure he heard it. He’d thought it might be Ellie, needing something but  not necessarily wanting to say it. He hadn’t expected to see you heading down the street, the first glimpse of you he’d had in so long. Your arm was out of the cast and you looked good. A bit thinner than you’d been the last time he’d seen you but still good. Still beautiful, still soft with sharp edges. Still what he wanted to sink into and wrap himself up in every chance he got. He picked the moose up and brought it inside, tracing the outline of its frame for a moment. You’d finished it. It was rough, you were clearly a beginner, but you’d finished it and given it to him. His thumb brushed the wound on its heart, where you’d bled. Before he really thought better of it, he brought the figure to his lips and kissed it gently before setting it on the side table and turning out the lights. 

The two of you were set to leave Jackson again in just a week, another gap in the patrol schedule that you could leverage to search for Savvy now that you were healed. He hoped this search led somewhere. He couldn’t imagine what it was like, living like that, not knowing what happened to your child. The closest he’d come was the torturous time that Ellie was with the monsters who’d taken her in Silver Lake. He was so frantic, so terrified of what he’d find but even more terrified of never finding it to begin with. He needed to save her, protect her. But if he couldn’t do that, he needed to know what happened to her. He needed to know who to destroy before he destroyed himself for letting it happen. Living in that for years would be unbearable. 

“Hey Joel?” 

He could hear the frown in her voice. 

“Yeah Baby Girl?” He looked over his shoulder, Ellie and Shimmer falling behind him again now that the trail had narrowed further. She stopped and so did he.

“That’s something we should be watching for, right?” She nodded toward something off the trail, a small frown on her face. Joel followed where she was looking and he froze in his saddle. 

It took an eagle eye to spot it, just brush amongst brush, but it shocked him when he saw it. The gentle arch of a sapling, stretching down toward the ground, held there with rope. 

“Yeah,” he said. “It is. Stay with the horses.” 

“But…” 

“Just one second,” he said, dismounting and going for the trap, trying desperately not to get his hopes up but his heart was racing. It was a common set up for a trap. It could be anyone’s.

This trap was far fresher than the one he’d found with you, the dirt where the pin and been put in the ground still disturbed. The trap itself was still baited and the pins were smooth, almost artistically carved. It hadn’t been here long. He looked around quickly, looking for some indication of where the person who set this trap might have gone. It took some doing - whoever it was covered their tracks well - but he found it, the edge of a boot print. 

He went back to his horse and mounted up. 

“Ellie,” he said, voice serious. “Need you to listen to me, OK?” 

“OK,” she frowned. “Joel, you’re acting weird…” 

“We’re gonna track someone,” he said. “But when we find them, need you to not shoot them until we talk to them, OK? And… and if its a teenaged girl, need you to not shoot them even if she pulls a gun on me, OK?” 

“A teenaged… Joel, what the fuck are you talking about?” 

“Just trust me,” he said. “Please.” 

He started with the boot print and found little hints of someone moving through the brush from there. Disturbed leaves, a splotch of dirt that looked misplaced, a small branch that had snagged on another when something about human height passed below it. 

“Joel,” Ellie said after they’d been tracking for about 20 minutes. 

“Still looking,” he said gently. “It’s OK…” 

He heard something rustle down low up ahead and he adjusted Ares’ path to check on it. He didn’t need to go far, the source of the sound only about 100 feet away and next to a large rock. Standing there, beside to a large horse and a large dog, was a girl. She was a little taller than Ellie, with gangly arms and legs, a rifle held high in her hands. 

“Stop right there!” She said, her voice sharp with a familiar southern twang. The dog moved in front of her, getting down low and bearing its teeth. “Don’t wanna shoot you but I will. You can move right along, this spot’s taken.” 

Joel lifted his hands and caught a glimpse of Ellie raising a gun next to him. 

“Ellie!” He said sharply. She looked at him, eyes wide. “Gun down. Now.” 

“But…” 

“Now.” 

She huffed but lowered the gun slowly, her eyes back on the girl in front of her. 

“Won’t shoot you in the back,” the girl said. “Just turn around and go.” 

Joel fought to focus. The girl in front of him… she looked like Sarah, so so much like Sarah. The same shock of curly hair, same brown skin, same bright eyes. If he didn’t know better, he’d think they were sisters. He fought to stay here, in the forest with Ellie, not getting swallowed by his own memories. He’d found her. He was all but certain of that now, he’d found her and he was going to bring her back to you. 

“You out here on your own?” He asked gently, his hands said up. 

“Don’t see how that’s any business of yours,” she said sharply. “All that matters to you is that I will kill you, don’t try me.” 

“I understand,” he said. “Not going to hurt you…” 

“Bullshit.” 

“We’re not,” Ellie snapped. 

“Ellie.” 

“What!” She said. “Joel, I swear, if she shoots you…” 

“Remember what I said,” he replied. 

“But…” 

“I mean it,” he cut her off. “Don’t, OK?” 

He turned back to the girl. 

“Not going to hurt you,” he said again. “Just… just hear me out for just a second, OK? We’re from a settlement, about a day’s ride from here…” 

“Good for you,” she said. “Better head that way then.” 

“It’s a good place,” he said, ignoring her. “With good people. Including… including your mama, I think.” 

Her eyes went a little wide and she lowered the gun ever so slightly. He caught a glimpse of Ellie’s head whipping around to look at him but he kept his eyes on the girl. 

“Your name’s Savannah, right?” He pressed on. “Your mom, she calls you Savvy, right?” 

She raised the gun again. 

“How’d you know that,” snapped. “You one of the assholes that took her? That it? What, you kill her? Get her to tell you about me first? That what happened?” 

“No honey,” Joel said, his throat tight. He’d found her, he’d found your daughter. “No, she… she escaped them, few years back. She got hurt real bad doin’ it, we brought her in, got her fixed up and she stayed. She’s been looking for you but she’s still there…” 

“Why should I trust you?” She snapped. “Why should I believe a damn thing you say?” 

“Because I know her,” he said. “Been helping her look for you. She’s… I know her. She trains horses, guessin’ she trained the one you’ve got? She trained the one I’m on, too. She runs our stable for us, she…” 

“Bambi?” Ellie gaped at him. “Bambi’s her mom? Bambi has…” 

“Ellie,” Joel said again, cutting her off and looking back at Savvy. 

“She’s there,” he said. “She misses you, she misses you so much. Told me how you liked to read to the horses when you were little. How the dogs liked you better than her. How you’re real good at carving… Recognized your trap, found another one of yours a few months back. She told me how your pins are always smooth and even… Let us take you back with us. Won’t take your guns, just… just come back with us. Please. She misses you so much, she’s been so worried…” 

“We’re not people to be afraid of,” Ellie said and Joel glanced her way. She was looking at Savvy now, her face serious. “Well, as long as you’re not an asshole. I know Joel seems scary but he’s not. Promise. He’s safe.” 

She lowered the gun slowly, looking between the two of them before looking down at the dog. 

“Gattling,” she said. “Heel.” 

The dog dropped its defensive stance and went alongside her, looking up and waiting for a command. She looked back at Joel and Ellie. 

“You really know my mom?” She asked quietly. “She’s… she’s really alive?” 

“She is,” Joel nodded, lowering his hands to the saddle horn. There was a knot in his throat. “And we can take you to her. Please.” 

She hesitated for a moment. 

“She teaches me stuff about music,” Ellie said quickly. “How to play some stuff on guitar, too, but more about music in general. She’s cool. Really. I’m… I’m sure she wants to see you again. And Jackson’s nice. And so are we. Just come along, OK?” 

She took a deep breath, looking down at the dog for a moment, adjusting her grip on the rifle. 

“OK.” 

***

“She’s in rare fucking form this week,” Olivia said, watching as you steadied Persephone, one of the fillies you were working with. 

“She’s just got an independent streak,” you said, the horse’s feet stomping impatiently in the dirt. “That’s OK. I get that. So do the best of us, right?” 

She huffed and jerked her large head. You smiled a little. 

“You’re sure she’s not gonna throw you?” Olivia asked, sounding a little worried. 

“No,” you shrugged. “But I’ve gotten thrown off horses before, nothin’ new. Only way to break her is to break her, no point in stalling. You in a good spot?” 

“Think so,” she said, stepping a little further back from the horse as you got ready to mount her. 

“Then let’s go,” you said, all but jumping onto Persephone’s back. You barely got your foot in the stirrups before she started really bucking, Olivia moving even further away. You clutched the reins in one hand and let your hips go loose, digging your heels down toward the earth to stay seated. You let your body move with her as she hurled herself through the air, desperate to dislodge you. But you weren’t going anywhere. She gave you a good shake that made you grab the back of the saddle but otherwise, she didn’t get anywhere close to throwing you. After a while, she started to calm, her movements still sharp and harsh but closer to the earth, her hooves staying on the ground more often than not. Eventually, she mostly stilled, just tossing her head and huffing indignantly. 

“See?” You said soothingly, reaching forward to pat her neck. “That’s my good girl, you did so well…” 

“Bambi,” Olivia said, catching your eye. She nodded toward the gate to the paddock and you frowned a little before you followed her gaze. 

Standing there was Joel and Ellie, their reins in their hands. But between them was a girl. She was young, a teenager, with springy curls and brown skin and wide, soft eyes. 

You knew those eyes. You knew those eyes and that hair and that skin. For a moment, the world shrank to a small point centered on her and you wondered if, maybe, you’d finally lost your mind. If something had finally broken so thoroughly that you were seeing things. 

But you weren’t. She was here. Your daughter was alive and she was here, in Jackson. 

“Savvy,” you breathed and Persephone bucked below you. You weren’t paying attention to the horse and you flew off her back and into the dirt, landing with a brain rattling thud. You didn’t care. 

You scrambled to your feet, throwing a glance back at Olivia to make sure she had Persephone so Savvy wouldn’t get hurt, and ran for her. 

“Mom,” she said, her voice thick as you reached her and pulled her into yourself. You clutched her to your chest until you thought you could feel her heartbeat alongside yours, clinging to her too close to even kiss her or look at her but you needed to feel the life in her first, soak up the vitality of her before someone took it away. 

“You’re alive,” you managed, voice thick. You buried your nose and mouth in her hair, breathing her in. “You’re alive, you’re here, you’re OK, you’re…” 

“I can’t believe you’re here,” she said wetly and you pulled back from her just enough to look at her. Tears slipped down her cheeks and she sniffed as you took her face in your hands. “I didn’t think I’d ever see you again, I thought you were gone, I…” 

“I’m so sorry baby,” you kissed her forehead before pulling her against you again and clinging to her. “I’m so sorry I let you go, I’m so sorry I didn’t get to you, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry…” 

“It’s OK Mom,” she said, her hands holding your elbows. “I’m OK, it’s OK, I promise…” 

You just held on to her, trying to memorize everything about her that you could. That she was taller now, that her shape had changed, that it seemed like she hadn’t had a chance to really grow into her limbs yet. 

You looked up at Joel who was still there, his eyes wet, watching you hold your daughter. 

“You found her,” you said softly. 

He just nodded. 

“Found her,” he said. “Couldn’t have without you, though. With everything you told me about her, was able to find her.”

You just nodded, running your hand down the back of her head as you held her. 

“Thank you, Joel,” you whispered, holding her so tight that you were worried you might hurt her but too afraid that she’d slip away to stop. “Thank you.”  

Next Chapter

A/N: AHHHH SAVVY'S HERE!!!!

And Joel found her. I'm so happy that Bambi has her baby back, for real. Things are getting there. I promise.

Thanks so much for reading and sticking with this story! Don't forget that you can get updates on my updates blog here.

Love you!!

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[atinylittlepain]

Can you do Joel Miller x Reader - like them chilling watching a sunset that turns to Joel getting head scratches from reader that turns into a make out sesh

so sweet, so lovely

Favorite Part

joel miller x f!reader

joel miller masterlist

warnings | 18+ allusions to smut, tommy is a little shit, fluff overall

................................

She’s still not used to life in Jackson, but that’s not to say that she isn’t enjoying it. She didn’t think that she’d ever live in a world where promises could be kept again, but now, it seems that this world is full of them. The promise of safety, of being able to call one place home, and knowing you can always return to it. The promise of community, of exchanging smiles with strangers rather than wary glances. The promise of health, of three square meals a day, and access to medicine without having to trade away a piece of yourself for it. And the promise of family, of coming home to the same people every night. Her man, and her kid. Joel had mentioned the other night what a relief it’s been, to get to see Ellie not have to be an adult, and she has to agree. It’s been her favorite part of this new life, getting to sit down to dinner with them every night, and hear about Ellie’s day, the tentative friends she’s been finding and what she’s getting to learn about in the community school, a far cry from FEDRA mandated education. Yeah, that’s her favorite part. But how she currently finds herself is a close second.

“You have tomorrow off, right?” 

“Mmhmm.” Joel practically purrs his answer to her, and she reckons that nobody else gets to have him like this, all but melted into her side, his legs kicked out as he slumps down on the bench seat on their front porch. His one arm is slung over her shoulders, fingers lightly trailing up and down her forearm, his head tilted onto his shoulder as he noses at her jaw. 

“Good, because Maria invited us over for an early dinner before the town dance, and I told her that she could expect us at both.” He grumbles, the low thrum of it vibrating through his chest and into her side, and she can already hear the protest he’s about to let out. But, after traveling with Joel Miller for so long, she knows exactly how to get what she wants out of him. She slips her hand that had been slung over his shoulder into his hair, nails lightly scratching through his thick waves. He sighs, warm breath fanning over her neck, and she knows she’s got him. She continues her ministrations, and muses to herself that his hair is going to be all kinds of mussed up by the time she’s done with him, but judging by the content little murmurs he’s letting out, she doesn’t think he’ll mind. 

“You gonna dance with me tomorrow night, cowboy?” 

“Keep doing that, and I’ll do whatever you want, darlin.” She breathes out a quiet laugh at his rumbled-out response, and can feel the curl of his smile against her neck. They stay just like that, her fingers running continuous circles through his hair, his face pressed into the juncture of her neck, long enough for the sun to start to tuck away behind the mountains, the light going hazy and thick in warmth and shadows. She only stops when he lifts his head with a sigh, and she cranes her neck to look into his droopy eyes.

“Good?” He nods.

“Good. But if I have to go, the kid does too.” She snorts at that, tugging lightly at the spare curls at the nape of his neck.

“Oh, that won’t be a problem. She’s been asking me for pointers all week on how to ask someone to dance.” Joel quirks an eyebrow at her, and she grins.

“Mmhmm, don’t tell her I told you this, but I’m pretty sure she has her eye on that girl– Dina, I think is her name?” He chuckles, shaking his head lightly as he looks at her.

“Well, suppose that’s better than having to worry about some punk boy coming around here.” She rolls her eyes, earning her a squeeze to the swell of her thigh that makes her yelp, Joel grinning smugly at her reaction. He ducks his head down, trying to steal a kiss that she dodges, his lips instead brushing along the arc of her cheek. 

“Don’t be like that, darlin, c’mon now.” She huffs in his hold, trying and failing to squirm out of his arms.

“Have some manners, Miller, geez. You’re manhandling me.” His grin goes crooked at that, pulling her tighter against him.

“Don’t recall you having any complaints about that last night.” 

“You’re being impossible.” “Gimme a kiss.” “Say please, and I’ll think about it.” 

“Now, please.” She has to laugh at that.

“I guess I’ll let that slide.” His impatience finally spills over, and this time, she doesn’t duck away when his lips find hers, swallowing one another’s sighs as they open up to each other. They’re an awkward tangle of limbs, her neck craning around while his tilts forward, but neither of them seem to care, all gentle coaxing until she’s turned and half-seated over his thighs. The only sounds are the soft clicks of spit and the sharp inhales they take through their noses, breathy exhales between kisses that get lapped up by stubborn tongues. It could have been minutes or hours for all she knows, when they’re suddenly, rudely, interrupted.

“Hey, you two! Get a room! This is a family community, perverts!” She pulls away from Joel with a start, her head whipping around to see Tommy standing by their mailbox, shaking his head and grinning wide. Joel grumbles, lifting his hand that isn’t holding her by her waist and flipping off his brother, who just laughs before shuffling off across the street to his own house. 

“I’m gonna kill him one of these days, I swear.” She scoffs, turning back in his hold to look at him.

“No you aren’t.” He sighs, a begrudging smile quirking the corners of his mouth as he shakes his head.

“No, I’m not. Maybe just a well-timed smack across that dumb mustache of his.” It’s no use, trying to hold back the giggle that bubbles up at his gruff words. She scratches lightly at the scruff along his jaw, her smile broadening big when he presses his cheek into her palm.

“You wear it better, baby.” She punctuates her words with a swipe of her fingers over the whiskered top of his lip, following the quick curve of his grin before he tilts his chin to kiss at the pads of her fingertips.  “Damn right I do. C’mon, darlin, let’s go get a room.”

[writerslittlelibrary]

I don't wanna lose you

picture credits: @akutlou

masterlist

summary: ever since a smuggler got the job to smuggle you across the country to a group called the fireflies, you started to realise how much family you could have if only you let people in (Abby isn't a Firefly so she never kills Joel)

pairing: Abby Anderson x fem reader

warnings: guns, clickers, talk of death, weed, murder? idk it's an apocalypse fic 

genre: fluff, angst

words: 2834

a/n: This is basically just reader being Ellie. If you read my other tlou x mcu fic, some parts may be a bit the same, but I promise this story is different :)

I've decided to make this an au, so that I can write future Abby x reader with the same backstory. besides, I enjoy connecting fics 

You do not have my permission to repost, copy or translate my work

 |——————————— ⴵ ———————————|

Joel wasn't very happy when he learned he would be smuggling a fifteen year old girl across the country. However, the pay couldn't be denied, and his partner, Tess, wanted to get paid.

After taking on the job, and after losing Tess, Joel soon realised the girl he was smuggling was slowly healing him. He hated it. He hated the feeling of erasing his daughter. Of replacing her. And so, he pushed the girl away. He pretended as though he hated her, never starting an actual conversation and pretending to hate her talking.

The truth, however, was quite different. What Joel hated the most, was the fact that this new girl was making him fearful. Making him scared of losing another daughter. Making him fear the fact that he may not be able to protect this girl, that he may fail her, just like he failed his daughter. 

After some time, the girl grew on him. He started openly enjoying her conversation, and her endless talking. He started receiving her hugs, and enjoying the warm feeling that seemed to heal his wounds on the inside.

But then, both Joel and the girl arrived at the hospital. 

The destination you both fought so hard to get to. This was all that Joel was supposed to do. Drop you off with the Fireflies, and get the hell out of there. 

Yet, when it was time, he couldn't. What would you do after travelling across the entire country with a girl? Travelling for almost an entire year? Could you give her up? 

One thing was certain. Joel couldn't, and he wouldn't.

Killing the entire hospital had been easy. He had the motivation to save you, and that was all that he needed. Killing the people that were trying to hurt you was easy. You needed to survive, and he would make sure you did.

The lying was what was difficult. 

Joel lied to you. He promised you that there was no cure, that you weren't of any use to them. You believed him. Or rather, you wanted to believe him. Somewhere, deep down, you knew the truth. You knew Joel was lying, but you didn't let him know. You wanted to believe him, and so you did. 

Now things were different. You had gone back to Jackson. Together with Joel you decided that living with Tommy would be best, so you went back. 

Things were good. You were good. You like hanging out with the other kids around Jackson, and you liked having family. You enjoyed how Tommy, Maria and Joel all cared for you. They were the only ones that knew your secret, and they were your family now. 

You had never experienced something like this before. You had never had any family, and now you suddenly had a whole town. 

However, after about a year, things went bad.

You ran away from Jackson, stealing your horse from the stables and returning to the Firefly hospital. You needed to know the truth. You need to be sure. You knew Joel was lying, but you needed proof.

After finding it, you had gotten mad. Joel had lied to you, actually lied to you. 

Joel had come to look for you, taking a horse as well and following you. He knew where you would go, and when he did find you, you forced him to tell you the truth. He did, and after doing so, you broke down. 

You weren't mad that Joel saved your life. You weren't mad that there was no cure. If there was a possibility of a cure being made, you knew a group like the Fireflies shouldn't be the ones to possess it. They would use it for bad things. They would manipulate people and use the cure as a way of making other people do their bidding. 

No. You were mad that Joel lied. 

The truth was something you could handle, but the fact that the most important person in your life lied about something so big, something so important. That was what pissed you off. 

However, it didn't take long before you forgave Joel.

You might have been mad, but you weren't unreasonable. You loved Joel, and you knew he loved you. Why else would he have killed almost the entirety of the Fireflies?

Now you lived with him, or at least, in his garage. He lived in the house, and he had helped you turn the garage into a livable room. He helped you decorate it, and together with Tommy he dragged the couch and the bed in. 

------------------------------------------------------------- 

Today you went out on patrol. Jesse assigned you and Dina to check out the creek trails. You had never done that route before, so you followed along as Dina showed you everything you needed to know about this route. 

“So what's going on between you and Jesse?” you asked Dina as you two rode along the creek trails, shielding your face slightly due to the snow.

“That's what you wanna talk about?!” Dina replied smugly, to which you shrugged.

“I dunno. It seemed kinda awkward this morning,” you continued, and you heard Dina chuckle a bit. 

“I don't know if I'm still into Jesse. I mean, his parents are nice, but me and him were just on autopilot. I'm not sure I liked that,” Dina explained, pulling her horse to a stop.

“We should check out these houses. Infected roam through this area once in a while,” Dina said, getting off her horse and reaching for her gun. 

You followed her example, getting off your horse and grabbing your gun. After making sure it was loaded, you entered the first house, Dina following closely. 

“So what are you doing tonight?” Dina asked after deeming the house was clear. 

“I was gonna watch a movie with Joel, why?” you responded, checking a few of the drawers in hope of there being supplies.

“Some kids were talking about sneaking out to go sledding. I thought maybe you'd wanna join.”

You chuckled. “Sounds fun, but maybe another time,” you said as you walked back to your horse. 

------------------------------------------------------------- 

After riding for about another hour, you arrived at a supermarket. It was clear there were infected inside, and you were on patrol after all. 

After clearing the building you went back outside, but soon realised the storm had heavily picked up. You ran to your horse and followed Dina as she guided you to another look-out. You could rest there and wait out the storm. 

You and Dina got settled after finding the weed downstairs. 

You knew Eugene was a funny guy, but never had you expected this. You and Dina decided to smoke one of the joints while waiting, but were soon interrupted when Jesse ran into the room.

“What are you doing here?!” Jesse asked in surprise. “You're supposed to be on patrol,” he finished unimpressed.

“There's a blizzard outside…?” you replied in confusion.

“Why aren't you at the fucking look-out?” Dina asked Jesse, who got a look on his face that you did not appreciate. 

“Because Tommy and Joel didn't show up!” 

“What…?” you asked hurriedly, suddenly very alert. The weed cleared quickly from your system. The relaxing effects immediately leaving after hearing what Jesse said.

“What do you mean they didn't show up?” 

“We waited for them for an hour,” Jesse explains. 

“How much of their region have you covered?” you asked quickly, putting your jacket back on and grabbing your backpack. 

“We don't know what's out there. I don't like you riding solo,” Jesse quickly replied, which you interrupted.

“Exactly. What if they need help?”

Jesse sighed. “Okay, I will come from the east, Dina you come from west, and you come from south but be smart about it,” he told you.

You nodded and quickly made your way towards the exit.

------------------------------------------------------------- 

It only took you a few hours before you found Joel. Him and Tommy were waiting out the storm at a mansion only a few hours' ride from Jackson. They were there with another group. 

Apparently, Tommy and Joel had been caught off guard by a group infected. While they were running away from them, they ran into a girl. They helped her while she was being attacked by some runners, killing them and helping her run.

After they got locked into the look-out while the infected were trying to break the doors down, the girl, Abby, had told them about the mansion she and her friends were staying in.

Tommy and Joel brought Abby there, and they were allowed to wait out the storm with them. 

However, you didn't know that yet. and so, you went around the house, climbing over a fence and making your way inside quickly. 

You had your gun raised as you heard chatter coming from a room inside the house. You carefully checked each room, making sure you didn't miss anything or anyone as you tried to find the source of the chatter. 

You then arrived in something that looked like the living room. There was a fire going and you could feel the heat from the room

You could also hear a lot of chatter, which quickly made you realise that whoever these people were, they were with a lot. You raised your gun, loading it while entering the room. However, what you saw wasn't exactly what you expected. 

Joel was there, and he was chatting with Tommy and the other people in the room.

“Joel?!” you asked out of relief, walking further into the room.

“Y/n? What are you doing here?” Joel asked surprised, getting up from his seat and embracing you in his arms when you went to hug him.

“You guys never showed up at the look-out. I thought you fucking died,” you replied, hitting him on the arm. 

Joel chuckled. “I'm not gonna die. The storm caught us off guard, and the look-out was swarmed with infected. We just needed another place to wait out the storm,” he explained. 

“Let's hope Jesse and Dina find us soon, and let's hope they didn't run into the herd that you tried avoiding,” you sighed in annoyance, allowing Joel to push your shoulders. 

“I gotta get Shimmer. I left her outside,” you explained, and Joel nodded.

“Go to the front, we'll open the gate for ya,” Tommy said as he got up. Another guy got up as well, and he followed Tommy to the gate. 

------------------------------------------------------------- 

After getting Shimmer inside and everything being settled, you sat down next to Joel, Tommy sitting on the other side of you. 

“So who are you?” asked one of the guys from the group. He looked to be Spanish, and he couldn't have been older than 25. 

“I'm y/n,” you replied. “What about you?” 

The guy, Manny, introduced himself and the others, telling you they came from Seattle and were just passing through. After talking with the group for a while, Jesse and Dina found you as well. That’s when you returned to Jackson.

The snow storm had mostly calmed down, and with that the possibility came to safely return to Jackson. 

You returned to Jackson, followed by the group that you met in the mansion. Tommy offered them to stock up before their return to Seattle, and they had gratefully accepted. 

After returning to Jackson, you were quick to get back to your room. The day had wrecked you, and you were physically and emotionally broken. You didn't mind that the group would leave when you would be asleep, but you had the feeling one girl did. You didn't miss the many times she looked you up and down, almost as if she was checking you out. 

You couldn't care less, though. She would be leaving for Seattle soon anyway.

The next morning she was gone, and you went on about your life. You watched that movie with Joel, and you went on your patrol with Dina and Jesse. Everything seemed to have gone back to normal, until she showed up.

------------------------------------------------------------- 

It had been a few months since the run in with the Seattle group, and you had been sticking closer to Joel than you ever had before. When he went on patrols, you went with him. It even went as far as sleeping in the house with him. You were terrified of losing him and you didn't want to leave him, even for a moment. 

Joel couldn't deny how much he enjoyed you sticking close to him. He as well was once afraid of losing you. After telling you the truth Joel was afraid he had lost you, And when he realised he hadn't, he wanted to be around you as much as possible as well.

He gladly took you in, cooking dinner for the two of you for when you returned from either your patrols or hanging out with Jesse and Dina. 

He enjoyed you openly loving him again. 

Of course, you had never stopped loving him, but you did stop showing it at some point. Now you were back to openly showing it again, hanging out around Joel as much as possible. 

Everything was back to normal in Jackson, until she showed up.

You remembered her name was Abby, and the guy she was with was Manny. They were with the Seattle crew, and now they were here. 

They weren't travelling alone, however. You were quick to spot the little boy hiding behind Abby.

They were let in quickly. Jackson was known for its hospitality, and neither Tommy nor Maria would ever let anyone stand outside of the gates, especially not someone they had met before. 

You were quick to be at the gate, welcoming Abby and Manny inside while you tried to get a good look at the little boy. You hadn't seen him before, and by his body language you could tell he was afraid. 

It didn't make much sense to you that they would show up here in Jackson. They had told you about their own settlement. How they had lived there for many years and how it was their home. Yet now, they were here, miles away from the place they claimed was their home. 

After following Maria and Tommy, who got the people inside quickly, you helped with preparing a meal for them. 

You served it, and they ate quickly, clearly not having eaten a lot in the past few weeks, maybe even months. 

After they ate, Abby explained what had happened, and why they had come to Jackson. Apparently, their group, the Wolves, were at war with another group, the Scars, or Seraphites, as the little boy corrected. The rest of their crew got taken out by said Seraphites, and while Abby was travelling to see her friend, Owen, she ran into two Scars.

They helped her, saved her life, and in turn she saved theirs. 

Apparently, Lev, the little boy, had a sister, who had broken her arm. Abby helped her, and together with Mel, who you remembered was in the Seattle crew, they removed her arm, saving Yara from compartment syndrome. 

However, when Lev had gone back to the island of the Seraphites to talk to his mother, Yara and Abby had gone after him, which eventually resulted in Yara's death.

The leader of the Wolves, Isaac, wanted to kill Lev, and he was prepared to kill Abby as well if she didn't get out of the way. Abby had protected Lev, and after Isaac was shot Abby and Lev made their way away from the island. 

They had run into Manny, and after Abby explained what happened, they had decided to go back to Jackson, hoping to find shelter there. 

The little boy was a Seraphite, and because Abby protected him, she was seen as a traitor to her own people. However, she didn't mind. Lev was her people now, and she would do anything to protect him. It reminded you of Joel and yourself, and after hearing their story, you wanted to help.

Abby, Manny and Lev were given a house in Jackson, and they were each given tasks in which they could help out. They weren't required to do anything while they were still settling in, but if they wanted to help, they could.

Seeing as though you had been in Jackson quite some time, and you had connections with Tommy and Maria, you were assigned to help them out a bit. Show them how things work around Jackson, and help them settle in. It was to be assumed they would need some time to adjust, but you were pleasantly surprised when they seemed to be settling in quite well.

You had started taking a liking to Abby, however. She was strong and beautiful, kind and funny. You liked her, and you were pretty sure she liked you too.

a/n: part one of this au is done, yippie! I wasn’t sure how to end this, so enjoy the sloppy, terrible ending. I promise to do better by part two :)

Permanent tags: @marvelnatasha12346 @lesbionion @nova-kyle @darkstar225 @saraaahsstuff @marvelwomenarehot0 @screechcat @iheartjohansson @tia-thesimp @swaqcenix @karmasgxrl @marvel-lous3000 @n0txn3vee @lorsstar1st

[corazondebeskar-reads]

you know you never stood a chance - deleted scene #1.5

you know you never stood a chance series

deleted scene #1.5: because you look so fine

series masterlist

Joel Miller x f!reader

Words: 3.5k

Summary: set in the middle of deleted scene #1 (after Joel & Ellie come home but before you move in with them). Joel's acting weird lately.

Warnings: established relationship, technically spoilers for tlou pt 2 but no one goes golfing, poor communication, p in v, two idiots at the end of the world, fluff, tooth-rotting over the top fluff in the only way two assholes know how, oral (m&f receiving), brief Tommy & Maria cameos, a few butt slaps, good ole southern hospitality, when i started this i meant for joel to play guitar but sadly he does not.

also on ao3

dividers by @saradika-graphics

Joel’s been a little weird lately. In a very Joel way.

Or maybe not. You’re not really sure what to think of it.

Ever since that first day when he walked you home from dinner, and you didn’t invite him in, he’s been… awkward.

Or maybe he hasn’t. You don’t really know Joel. It’s a startling realization you had after he left that night.

You lived with him for six months and traveled the country with him, but neither of those were very good representations of him. When you shared the apartment, you only saw him to fuck. You didn’t hang out shooting the shit or have riveting conversations about current events over breakfast.

When you were out of the QZ with him and Tess, there was no talking. Not a single unnecessary word. He and Tess communicated silently. You were on a need-to-know basis and never had a need-to-know.

And those months traveling with Ellie? Well, you’d learned a little more about him, but also, he was under such intense stress that you’re not sure how much was Joel and how much was the situation.

He’s been a lot nicer since he got back to Jackson. Well. Maybe nicer isn’t the right word.

He’s been more talkative and smiled more. Most of the time, when he opens his mouth, though, it’s to be a sarcastic ass.

You’d be lying if you said you didn’t like it.

And, okay, maybe you do know him.

You decide maybe you’re the one being weird, so you let it go until the weirdness intensifies one Friday night.

Tommy had you both cornered at the mess on Thursday. “So y’all are coming to the Bison tomorrow, right? Ernie came back with a couple of guitars to try to round out the act.”

Joel perks up at this, and you watch him carefully. He’s never seemed interested in whatever goes on at the pub. “They work?”

“They need some love,” Tommy says. “Reckon you might be able to fix ‘em up?”

“Shit,” Joel says, the curse drawn out and low as he thinks. “I might. He gonna let me come ‘n take a look at ‘em?”

“You could probably swing by tonight; see if any of ‘em can be saved.”

Joel eyes your empty plate. “C’mon, I’ll walk ya home first.”

“The Bison is closer than my house,” you say, utterly perplexed by the way this conversation has gone. “I can walk myself.”

“Nah, that’s okay. I’ll come back after.”

You think it’s kind of silly but he’s insisted on walking you home every day. Every day that you don’t end up in his bed, anyway.

Every time, he holds your hand. Sometimes you talk, sometimes you let the warm summer silence lead you.

He always kisses you goodnight. Never as chaste as the first time, but never letting it get out of hand, either. He doesn’t ask to come in. He doesn’t try to start anything.

He’s respecting your boundaries, you think, and it’s kind of weird. But good weird.

Tonight, he lingers with his arms draped loose around your hips, holding you close there but letting you lean your upper body back against the siding. He’s got a look on his face that you can’t identify.

After a moment, he narrows his eyes and jostles you a little with one arm. “Gonna come with me to the Bison tomorrow?”

“Since when do you go to Friday Night Live?” you tease.

He scowls. “Since tomorrow.”

“You can’t say since tomorrow; that doesn’t make any sense.”

“Well, I just said it, didn’t I?” His face twists into something you do recognize.

“Hey,” you pout. “Why’re you mad?”

“M’not mad. Will you stop teasin’ me and answer the question?”

You’re so lost it’s not funny. But now you recognize the first expression. He was defensive.

“Sorry, I wasn’t trying to be a dick. Sure, Joel, if you’re goin’, I’ll come out and see what the fuss is.”

“Don’t gotta try to be something you just are,” he says. There’s a hint of a smirk lurking.

You bite down a smile, rolling your eyes.

“Alright, sweetheart. I’ll see ya tomorrow.” He leans down to kiss you.

“Whoa, mister. You already got a goodnight kiss. Getting greedy?”

He bites at your lip. “Hush,” he scolds, helping himself to several kisses. “That one expired. Gotta make it up to me.”

You’re grinning stupidly, now, but so is he. “Alright, you big baby. One more.”

But he stands up straighter and kisses your forehead instead. “G’night,” he murmurs.

As always, he waits until you’re inside with the door locked before he leaves.

You lie awake for too long, tucked in and cozy, but kept up by the colony of butterflies that he seems to have let loose with all that kissing.

You’re getting ready to head down to the Bison when there’s a knock at your door. You’re trying not to think about how weirdly nervous you feel.

It’s probably just from the thought of the crowd. There’s a reason you haven’t bothered to check out the bar. Small spaces and big crowds aren’t your idea of a good time.

Maybe they were, once. You don’t really remember anymore. Now, they remind you of the hangings back in Boston.

And that’s a train of thought you’d like to derail, so the knock is a nice distraction.

When you open the door, it’s Joel.

“Oh, hey. Thought I was meeting you downtown.”

“Figured I’d walk with ya,” he says. The words are almost mumbled, and he stands stiff just outside the door.

“Alright, gimmie a few, I was just gonna change.”

“Y’ain’t gotta do that, you look nice,” he says.

You raise your eyebrows. “Thanks?” And you gesture to where a pot of tomato soup had spilled down the side of your tee and then splattered across the bottom of your jeans when it hit the floor.

“Right,” he says.

“You can come in,” you say before heading up to your room.

You spend more time than you’d like picking something to wear. It’s those damn crowds, maybe, making you feel like you need to look nice.

In the end, though, you just pull on a clean tee and jeans with a flannel you’d nicked from Joel when you were out on the road. He hadn’t said anything about it so you figured he never even noticed. It helps, fortifying you against whatever’s making your heart beat out of your chest.

When you get back down, he’s standing in your kitchen. You stare, trying to force your brain to reboot and accept the image of him looming in your space.

He’s got a glass of water in one hand and the other wrapped tight over the edge of the basin.

“You okay?” you say.

He clears his throat and turns around. “Yeah, just needed this,” he gestures with the drink. “For, uh, for these.”

You blink a few times. There are flowers clutched in his other hand, stems trimmed to fit neatly inside.

“Okay,” you say with a shrug.

He sets the glass, now full of purple and yellow blossoms, on the counter.

“We better get going before Tommy sends a search party,” you tease, grabbing him by the belt loops. He lets you pull yourself in, leaning up for a kiss.

It’s syrupy, and his hands come to your waist so he can lick into your mouth, drawing soft moans from you both.

“There’s the hello I was lookin’ for,” he says. He looks you up and down. “Y’look real pretty, sweetheart.”

“You need your eyes checked, old man.” You move to the door, and he follows, waiting while you stuff your feet into your boots without bothering to untie them.

“Sure, let me just call the optometrist,” he rolls his eyes. “You know I like you in my clothes.” He’s patient while you lock the door, but as soon as your key is stowed in your pocket, he’s got your hands wrapped together.

It’s not until you’re sitting in the bar at a round table with Tommy and Maria that the gears finally come to a stop, and everything falls into place.

Joel’s dragged his chair to butt up against yours, and he’s got an arm slung around your shoulder. You’re leaning against him, talking to Maria about the equipment one of the patrol teams had found at an abandoned farm when your brain shorts out.

Of course, you don’t even get a second to process the thought before it spills from your mouth.

“Joel Miller,” you snap, sitting up and looking at him incredulously. “Is this a date?”

He pulls back a little, eyes wide and brows raised. “Yeah,” he says slowly, like he’s not the one that tricked you into this.

“Were you going to tell me?”

“I…” he looks wildly at Tommy and then back to you. “I thought you knew.”

“Let’s go get some drinks,” Maria says quietly. Her husband doesn’t get the hint, and she has to hiss in his ear about privacy before yanking him away from the table.

“You thought I knew? How would I have known?”

“I’ve been courtin’ ya for weeks,” he says, scowling. “Didn’t think I needed to spell it out for ya.”

“You’ve been what?”

He flushes a little but stands his ground. “Courtin’ ya. Y’know.”

“What are you talking abo—oh. Oh.” A lot of things are starting to make more sense. The flowers. The hand holding. The sweet partings. The way he pulls out your chair at the table.

“What the hell are you doin’ that for?”

He huffs a breath, arms folding across his chest. “Well, never mind.”

You take a deep breath, but it catches, stuttering in the suddenly humid room. “Can we talk about this outside?”

He must see it on your face because he puts a worried hand on your shoulder to steer you through the crowd.

Once in the open, soothed by the slightly cooler breeze, you cover your face with both hands.

“Joel,” you start.

“I was just tryin’ to do right by you this time around,” he tells the patch of grass under his boots.

You can’t help but smile just a little bit. “That’s sweet, but I don’t need you to do all that.”

He looks up at you, mouth still twisted down. But you see it for what it is again. Worry.

“You don’t have to try so hard, Joel; you already know I’m a sure thing.”

“I’m not just tryin’ to fuck you,” he snaps. His hands are clenched into fists, and he won’t look at you now. “I’m tryin’ to… I’m tryin’ to show you—”

You step closer, and he doesn’t shy away, but he does shut his mouth. You wrap your fingers back around his belt loops. “I know,” you say. “But I don’t need all that. I just need you. Just you.”

“I’m no good at this,” he grumbles.

“At what?”

“At… this,” he puts his hands on your hips. “At bein’… at relationships,” he finishes. His ears are red. “Never was.”

“Me neither,” you say. “But I’ve only had the one back before. You coulda lied and pretended to be a pro, and I’d never have known.”

He rolls his eyes and kisses the top of your head. “Just, are you… do you want to be—“

“Joel Miller, are you asking me to go steady?” you grin a little wickedly. “You wanna be my boyfriend? My boo? My beau?”

“Christ,” he says, wiping a hand down his face and groaning. He takes your hand and tugs, heading down the street.

You let him pull you along, still giggling and throwing everything you can think of at him as he weaves through the streets.

“You gonna call me shawty? Gonna make me your girl?”

He stops, and you run smack into him. “Yeah,” he says.

“What?” You hadn’t even realized you’d made it to his house, but he crowds you against it just to the side of the door. “You wanna call me shawty?” You can’t say you expected that.

He rolls his eyes. “I’m gonna make you my girl,” he says. His voice is low, with his head tucked close enough that his breath brushes your ear. One hand is on your hip, and the other is pushing the door open and sliding the key back into his pocket.

Shit, that was smooth.

“What? Ain’t got nothin’ smart to say now?”

You open your mouth, but only a squeak comes out, so you shut it and shake your head.

“Yeah? You wanna be my girl?”

Your throat’s so dry, you think you’d never had water, so you just nod a little, looking up at him through your lashes.

He smirks and kisses you, hands roaming as he walks you backward into the house. When he pushes you down onto the bed, you realize you don’t even remember climbing the stairs.

Or taking off your pants.

He makes quick work of your shirts and bra but then pulls the flannel back on you. You roll your eyes, but it quickly becomes involuntary when he runs a finger across your slit.

“Aw, sweetheart. You’re all wet. Somethin’ got you all worked up?”

But you aren’t so far gone yet that you can’t bite back.

“Yeah, turns out this hot guy has a huge crush on me, but he was too scared to ask me out. A shame, really.”

“Oh yeah? Why’s that?”

“Well, I really wanted to suck his dick, but I don’t date chickens.”

“Well, that’s just not very nice. You’re hurtin’ my feelings, sweetheart.”

“Big tough guy like you?”

His fingers brush against your clit for little more than a second before he pulls his hand away. “Yeah, I reckon you’re going to have to make it up to me.”

He stands up straight. “Get to it.”

You grin and bring your hands up to his belt, taking your sweet time to drag the end from the loop and tug it away from the buckle. You flick the prong back just as he growls his impatience.

He tugs it out of the loops and tosses it on the ground as you slip the button loose and drag the pull down the teeth of his zipper one by one.

He grabs your chin, fingers digging dimples into your smug grin. “Think you’re bein’ cute, huh?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m just trying to do a good job.”

“Gotta have it in your mouth to do a good job, sweetheart. I taught you how to suck dick better than this.”

He smirks when your eyes darken and you whimper a little at the memory. He lets go of your jaw and shoves two thick fingers in your mouth.

When he pulls them back out, he shows you how wet they are. “You’re fuckin’ droolin’ for it, sweetheart.”

“Uh huh,” you mumble. But your fingers are nimbler, making deft work of the zipper and tugging his pants down.

When his cock springs free, you waste no time swallowing it down. Damn. You had meant to drag it out and tease him.

“See? Ain’t that better?” He strokes your cheek before cupping the back of your head. “So fuckin’ pretty like this.”

You moan and look up at him through your lashes. He groans and pushes you down on his cock until your nose is buried in the thicket of hair at the base.

“Yeah? You feel pretty with my cock in your mouth?” His other hand cups under your jaw, stroking your cheek with his thumb. “My pretty girl,” he murmurs.

There’s a foreign ache in your chest. You use it to distract you while you choke on him, letting him fill your throat and mind.

He fucks you like that for a few minutes, pulling out abruptly. “Hands ‘n knees, sweetheart.”

You obey immediately, though you settle on your elbows instead, a pillow tucked between your arms and head. He gropes at your ass, squeezing and rubbing his hands over it before he gives it a few firm smacks.

As if he can sense the complaint you’re about to make, he spreads you apart and buries his face in your cunt. You forget all about your impatience—you may still yearn for his cock, but his tongue is a hell of a consolation prize.

He’s fucking ravenous. He nuzzles in—you’re absolutely going to have beard burn—and devours. Two fingers pump in and out of your cunt while he licks around and in, and you can’t really tell where he ends, and you begin. It’s all so wet and rough and blissful that you reach your orgasm in no time at all.

But he pulls away, yanking himself from you with heaving breath while you cry out in disappointment.

“Beg,” he growls, slapping your ass before starting to build you up again.

You do. You beg endlessly, pleas and whines and praise spilling from your lips, broken by gasps and cries, but when you’re close, he pulls away again.

He kisses your swollen labia when you nearly sob in frustration.

“Mean,” you peek over your shoulder at him so he can see your wet eyes and exaggerated pout.

“Yeah,” he smirks. “Just like you were earlier, teasin’ me.”

You gasp. “I made it up to you!”

He scoffs. “Yeah, but ya woulda sucked my cock anyway.”

Damn. He’s not wrong. That was as much for you as it was for him.

He’s stroking your clit gently, now, and you’re having a hard time keeping your brains in a line. Or ducks. Whatever it is, they’re not doing a very good job because you can’t remember what you’re mad about.

“Please,” you whimper.

“Please, what, sweetheart? You need my tongue back?”

“Yes—fuck,” you gasp as he stuffs three fingers in your cunt.

“Hmm. Better apologize.”

“I’m sorry!” you say immediately.

He shakes his head. “Sorry for what?”

“I’m sorry I was teasing you, please, god-fucking—”

He’s sucking on your clit, pistoning his fingers hard enough that it almost matches the way his cock knocks your brain out.

Finally, finally, he doesn’t pull away. When you reach the edge, abdomen seizing, he works you through it and doesn’t stop until you’re whimpering on the other side.

He stands up, and you’d complain, but you’re too fucked out. Plus, he’s fully out of his jeans now, and all you have to do is stay like this, on your knees with your ass in the air.

He fists himself and drags the head up and down, parting you minutely but never slipping in. “Goddamn, you’re drippin’ for me.”

Your face is smushed into the pillow, but your moan is loud enough for him to hear.

“Whose cunt is this, sweetheart?”

“Wha?” you mumble.

He slaps your ass. “I said, whose pretty little cunt is this?”

“Yours, Joel.”

“And whose girl are you?”

You moan. “Yours, Joel.”

“That’s damn right.” He slams hard into you. “Say it.”

“I’m yours, Joel. I’m your girl.”

“Fuck yeah you are,” he grunts, thrusting deep on each go, barely pulling out only to slam right in. “And I’m all yours, sweetheart.”

You’re embarrassed about it later when he teases you, but his words make you cum.

“That’s it, good fuckin’ girl, cum on my cock. Just how I like it.”

His hand rubs over your lower back as he talks you through it, and it spills over into another orgasm as you clench and shake around him.

His mouth is filthy tonight, peppered with the grunts and moans you love to soak in. His hands never leave you. Eventually, he stops to roll you over and fucks into you with your knees bent up to your chest. Your fingers dig into his arms desperately as the force of his thrusts knock the air out of you over and over and over.

“Fuck, sweetheart, cup your tits for me,” he pants, pulling out and holding his cock at the base while it weeps, and when you obey, he tugs once, twice, before covering them in his cum.

“Shit,” he says, chest heaving as he catches himself on one arm near your head, hovering over you. “Shit, sweetheart. So good to me.”

He lowers himself onto his side next to you and traces an idle finger through the mess on your chest.

“Did you just fucking write your name in cum on my tits?”

“No,” but he doesn’t tell you what he did write.

He kisses you instead, and you roll your eyes but kiss him back.

You wait until after he’s cleaned you both off and settled back in bed beside you.

“So what’s it gonna be? You gonna call me boo or babe? Or babycakes?”

He rolls his eyes. “Will you knock it off?”

“No,” you admit.

“‘Sides, I ain’t gotta come up with somethin’.”

You pour. “Why not? What if I want a cutesy nickname?”

He rolls onto his side and looks you in the eye. “Already call ya sweetheart, don’t I?”

You flush, heart stuttering. “Oh yeah,” you whisper.

“Good enough for ya?”

“Uh-huh,” you say. “It’s perfect… sweetcheeks.”

His pillow smacks you in the face, and you cackle.

*title from "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" by Jet

[mandobatemans]

sfw/nsfw joel miller headcanons

co-written by my lovely bestie who doesn't have tumblr :(

warnings: post-outbreak, mentions of oral (m!receiving), sex mentions, discussion of kinks, slight breeding kink, afab! reader, NSFW UNDER THE CUT

word count: 692

also posted to ao3

• loves to comb and braid your hair. he’s a girl dad through and through, able to do more intricate braids and styles than you could possibly imagine with a lack of any hair products. he likes doing your hair, and the feeling of his fingers moving gently across your head is comforting

• loves being complimented/praised but will pretend he's annoyed to hide the embarrassment from it, especially if it’s in front of ellie. “you know, you look really handsome today.” he’ll mumble noncommittally and add, “‘s that gonna help us in this damn cold?”

• soft degradation/humiliation kink. “can you take it, darlin’? i don't think you can take it. show me how well you can take it.”

• easily gets jealous but not the type to act cold/rude to you because he's feeling insecure

• in jackson, if someone’s getting a little too close to you for his liking in the mess hall, he’ll wander over to you, rest his arm on the bartop next to you, greet you with a kiss, and casually sip his beer

• when you're alone is when he'd make comments seeking affirmation that you love him and that he's enough for you by commenting on subtle things in passing like "i know i'm old but—" "if there’s anything else i can do for you..."

• loves when you wash his hair in the shower and absentmindedly play with it when you're sitting together, a sucker for back scratches and belly kisses. he melts into your touch when you scratch his beard for him

• physical touch and gift giving/providing for you is definitely his love language (little spoon joel, we love you)

• little things like silently giving you an extra share of rations or packing an extra blanket for you

• gently touching his hand to the small of your back to warn you when there's danger

• loves when you ride him

• his fingers leave bruises from how tight he grips your waist while you’re on top of him, bruises that he’ll apologize for and kiss better before you go to bed

• is adamant that he prefers to be in control but folds immediately as soon you whisper filthy nonsense into his ear

• speaking of his ears, they're so sensitive from years of shooting, so he becomes an absolute mess when you place a few strategically bites/kisses there

• never rushes you when you're on your knees for him. he drinks in every second of you like this. pushes strands of your hair behind your ears and mumbles repeatedly how pretty you look and what a good job you're doing

• he slowly learns how to open up and gets better at expressing emotions once in jackson, partly because he feels safe enough to do so, partly because he’s been reminded what it's like to almost lose someone you love, and partly because seeing tommy so happy with maria helps him to realize what he has with you

• learns old songs on his guitar that you used to like before the outbreak. some of them he’s never heard of, and when you sing him a few of the lyrics he gives you a confused look. “you really listened to that stuff?” he’ll ask, before shaking his head and strumming an old western he thinks you'll like instead

• controversial take but he might have a teensy weensy breeding kink. he’s not going to bring another child into this world, in his eyes that would just be cruel. plus, he’s already felt the pain of losing one child and almost losing another that there’s no way he could handle it if anything happened to the baby

• that doesn't mean he hasn’t thought about you as the mother of his child, belly swelling with a little one that's half him, half you

• sometimes he’ll cum inside you rather than pulling out. it’s a selfish risk he takes but he can't help the euphoria that flows over him when he sees your cunt full of his cum, the rest dripping down your thighs

tagging: @laters-gators @cassianendor @eupheme @psychedelic-ink whose blogs have been absolutely FEEDING my joel obsession lately

[cowgurrrl]

On the Charlie girl theme; her first day of school and Joel just being a mess? Alexa play slipping through my fingers.

Joel Miller is the ultimate crier at anything his kids do 🫡 (also this made me especially emotional thinking about the fact that one of the last things Sarah and Jane ever did was go to school (WHO SAID THAT))

August

Pairing: Joel Miller x fem!reader

Author’s note: I don’t love how this turned out because I actually did start crying because my goddaughter is turning four soon and she’s so big and UGH

Summary: Charlie goes to school for the first time [1.1k]

Warnings: Charlie is 5 and Ellie is 21, parental anxiety (what’s new), everyone has to put on a brave face

"Daddy and Ellie are gonna pick you up from school because Mommy has to work, okay? They'll meet you right here." You say as you smooth down the straps of Charlie's backpack. It's way too big for her and practically empty except for her lunch box that Joel packed last night, but she looks adorable. She nods as you fuss over her, Joel standing beside you.

"But if you need me to come to get you sooner, you tell Mrs. Rich, and she'll call someone on the radio to get me," Joel chimes in. "If you need anythin', you find an adult. All the adults know Mommy and Daddy, and they'll be able to help you."

"That's right." You agree, raising your eyebrows as you look at her. Kids are rushing all around you, kissing their parents and siblings goodbye before running into the school, excited for the first day. You catch a glimpse of Tommy and Maria waving to Camille as she giggles her way to the doors. She turns and calls for Charlie to follow her, but she stays where she is, wringing her hands like Joel does when he's nervous.

"What's wrong, pumpkin?" Joel asks as he crouches next to you so you're both eye-level with your daughter.

"Is school scary?" She asks, glancing between the two of you. You take a deep breath and reach for Joel's hand. He shakes his head and reaches out to brush her bangs out of her face.

"No, baby, school isn't scary. It's fun! You're gonna make so many new friends and learn so many things. Hell, I bet you'll get to be a whole lot smarter than Daddy." He says, his eyes lighting up as he tries to comfort her, but you can feel him shaking.

"Then, why does Mommy look so scared?" Her little voice makes your heart break, and you bite the inside of your cheek to stop tears from forming in your eyes. The truth is, you’re fucking terrified, but you’re not about to have a conversation with your five-year-old explaining to her why you’re so scared of leaving her at school. So, you swallow the lump in your throat and smile.

"Mommy's not scared, honey. Mommy's just sad because you're so grown up. Do you remember when Ellie went to school, and she got bigger and smarter and so so strong?" You ask, and she nods. "Do you remember how cool that was to watch?" She nods again, and you smile. Joel sniffles next to you, and you squeeze his hand. "Do you know that you're going to be the coolest and smartest and strongest little girl the world has ever seen?"

"And the most funny?" She asks, and you laugh.

"You might have to fight your sister for that one, but yes," you say. "But to do that, you have to go to school and fill your brain with lots of knowledge and cool things that Mommy and Daddy can't teach you. So, Mommy's not scared. I'm happy that you're gonna get to do and learn so many new things, and I'm sad because you're not a little baby anymore, but I'm not scared. Mrs. Rich is gonna take such good care of you, and you're gonna get to hang out with Camille at lunch, and you'll get to tell us everything you learned when you get home, okay?" You say as her teacher steps out of the school, and you hold up one finger behind Charlie's back to let her know you'll just be another second. "Are you still feeling scared?"

"A little."

"It's okay to be scared. D'you know what Mommy and Daddy do when we're scared?" You ask, and she shakes her head. You let go of Joel's hand and put your hands on her arms to fully face her. "We take three deep breaths, and we put on our brave faces, and we keep going. Can I see your brave face?" She furrows her brows together to mean mug at you, and you copy her, making her laugh. "See! You have the most brave face out of all of us! So, now we're going to take some deep breaths together, put on our brave faces, and you're gonna go to school and have a great day, okay?"

"Okay." She agrees. Together, you breathe in through your nose and out your mouth, the crisp August air distracting your spiraling thoughts. Once you let out your third exhale, she puts on her brave face, turns around, and marches toward the school like it's her life's mission. You falter and stop yourself from reaching for her, Joel's hand coming to your shoulder as you both stand. Tears stain his face, and you wipe under your eyes to keep yourself from crying.

"Well, that definitely could've gone worse," he says, and you nod. He sniffles and lets out a shaky breath. "I think we're gonna be okay."

"Yeah."

"Wait!" Charlie's voice suddenly rings out, and you both turn to see her running back over to you. You think something's wrong, or she changed her mind, and maybe you get to keep her at home for one more day. But she grabs your hands, brings you both back to the ground, and throws her arms around your necks. Her little cheek is warm against yours as she squeezes you both with all her might. "I love you more than all the chickies at home." She says, and then she's off, disappearing behind the school doors with her too-big backpack and her brave face.

Up until that moment, she's literally never said the words, "I love you more than all the chickies at home." You want to laugh at how silly it is but also cry because you know just how much she loves those stupid fucking chickens. When you turn to look at Joel, he's an absolute mess, tears falling down his face without shame, and you wrap your arms around him.

"When did she get so big?" He cries, and you feel your own tears returning. "I swear, she was just takin' naps on my chest and cryin' all night because she liked Ellie more than us." You laugh as you remember those nights and realize just how far they are from right now.

"God, she hated trying to go to sleep."

"Fuckin' hated it!" He says. You kiss his cheek and lean back to wipe his tears away. Tommy and Maria are still lingering nearby, probably ready to get something to eat before patrol, but they give you both space to feel your feelings. "She's such a good kid."

"The best," you kiss him. "And you, Joel Miller, are the best dad and husband I ever could've asked for." Before the words can even fully leave your mouth, he's tearing up again, and you laugh. "Oh, honey! It's okay!"

"I know it! Just stop talkin', and I'll get it together." He says, wrapping his arm around your waist and walking away from the school with you. Tommy claps his brother on the shoulder and mumbles something that sounds like, "Again?" Joel just shakes his head, takes a deep breath, and puts on his brave face to get through the rest of Charlie's first day of school.

[marvelwitchergilmore]

To You

Summary: Joel Miller x Fe!Reader -> Joel comes home from patrol one night to find you in the living room with a busted lip and a black eye. 

Disclaimer: Jackson-era Joel, mentions of violence, maybe a little angst, blood, kissing, death, fluff. Not proof read.

Funnily enough, you had actually met Joel back in Boston. Him and Tess had been two smugglers your friends often turned to when they needed supplies. You had met him a couple of times but no more than a few sentences were exchanged. 

One night, whilst not being able to sleep, you happened to see someone making their way, avoiding the looks of the guards. At first, you thought it was a Firefly but you knew them when they were under the cover of darkness, this wasn’t that. Maybe another smuggler? 

Either way, you needed out. 

So, you followed him. 

Turns out it was Joel’s brother, Tommy. 

You’d seen him a couple of times, too. Over the years. Usually, he was with his brother. More often than not, you’d actually think Tommy was his son rather than his brother, Joel being that fierce to protect him. Everyone had lost someone in this war. You’d figured, with the way Joel was with Tommy, that Tommy (and Tess) were the only real reasons he was sticking around. 

But then you saw him again when he came to Jackson. 

Ellie. 

Tommy had told you a little about what Joel had told him, about what they had faced when making their way to Jackson, when he saw you at the barn that night. 

And you saw them around the town in the day. But there was just something about Joel. Seeing him across the way, you knew something wasn’t right. Like his heart was about to leap from his chest before it crushed his soul. 

But it wasn’t until they returned a few months later that you actually began to know them. 

Joel was placed with you every Sunday in the bar, serving customers and patrol men who needed a good drink after a long week. Both of you were kept pretty busy so it wasn’t until Maria decided to put you both on patrol together every Thursday night that your relationship began to grow. 

You learnt more about his life before the world went to shit. He learnt about you, and how you had been a professor beforehand. Mostly, for you, that was volunteering at the local community college. That was why, every Monday, Wednesday and Friday you took most of the kids to the gardens, teaching them about plants and the earth and everything they needed to know in order to survive - to live. 

Ellie was keen to learn. 

It was the first time she didn’t have such a shitty school. 

She’d come home to Joel every afternoon and she’d ramble on about all what she had learned. In the meantime, with Joel helping out with construction and building around Jackson, her math excelled. She helped Joel out on the weekends, not wanting to really leave his side. 

She even fixed the fences around the gardens after lessons. That was when you’d find her, finishing up the job and walk her home to Joel. 

Although it did worry him, her not being back at her usual time, he was proud of her. She was proud of herself. She was getting a normal life. 

And, somewhere in between the patrol nights, teaching his daughter, and tending to the bar together, you came together. 

And, oddly, it was an easy transition. 

You and Joel were close to being with. You both knew what it had been like in Boston. You’d both done things to get where you were. You both had something in you that made sure that everyone knew not to come near either of you. 

Tommy called it Family. 

Maria - she also called it Family. But only after she referred to all of you as a family of feral cats that would kill before they let anything happen to anyone of you. 

Except, one night, the shifts had been changed. 

With some new people coming into Jackson, they needed training. So, you had decided to take on the job. You had a free Saturday and Ellie was starting to make friends so they’d be at the Barn watching a bunch of old movies and by the time she’d get back, Joel would already be home. 

But, after a few weeks, Joel came back home late from work.

Entering through the front door, he was introduced into darkness, at first. But, then as he hung up his coat and turned into the living room, he found you sitting by the dim light of the lamp. 

His demeanor changed instantly. Without hesitation, he rushed forward and began checking you over. 

“I’m fine, Joel.”

“Who did this to you?” 

His voice was deep. Dark, even. He was ready to kill whoever had touched you. 

You laid a hand over his wrist where his hand gently touches your cheek. Carefully, he sat down beside you, his knees knocking into the side of yours. 

“It’s nothing-”

“It’s not nothing!” 

You shushed him, softly. “Don’t yell. You’ll wake Ellie.”

He looked back to the stairs for a moment. You were right. 

He relaxed for a moment. At least you were home. You were alive and home and safe - very little for what he could say about whoever had hurt you. 

Standing, he walked across the floor into the kitchen and pulled open a cupboard before walking back with the first aid kid and a bag of ice. 

“Thanks.”

“What happened?” He asked as he sat on the coffee table in front of you before taking out the antiseptic and some cotton wool. 

You didn’t answer for a moment, just holding the ice to your temple. God, your head was pounding. 

“Darlin’-”

“I took care of it, Joel.”

“I don’t doubt that,” he placed the kit down. “But you’ve got a busted lip and a black eye. You can’t tell me that, that wasn’t nothing.”

You sighed. “Look, I got in a fight. The guy was a piece of shit and took care of it.”

“What did he do?” Joel asked you, and when you didn’t reply, he repeated the question. 

“He hit on me,” You finally answered. 

If this was any other day, yourself and Joel might have laughed it off. Joel would agree with them - if they were so new that the news that you were taken hadn’t reached them yet. To Joel, you were the most beautiful woman he had ever met. You were also the first, even before Tess, that he could actually allow himself to feel the way you felt for him. 

That would be something, with Tess, he’d regret. 

But when he met you, he had another chance. A chance to be happy and a chance to open up. He was healing and eventually, he let you be a part of that process. 

“What?” Joel straightened up, his voice doing dark again. 

“It wasn’t anything big. But I knew. He backed off immediately once I told him. Even apologized.” Joel took it that this wasn’t the guy who needed a beating on. And he was right. “It was his friend. We all got back and headed into the bar. Maria wanted to talk to me about something. When I came out, his friend was there waiting for me. I don’t think Young even knew.” 

Young was the guy who had been training on patrol with you the last two weeks. Tonight had been the night when he’d finally plucked up the courage to start flirting with you. But, as you told Joel, he backed off right away. He even said “sorry” and told her that Joel was a lucky guy. 

You weren’t afraid to agree with him on that statement (even if sometimes you thought it was the other way around). You were lucky to have Joel, too. And Ellie. 

A life you never thought you’d ever get to see. Better yet, have. 

“Anyway, he started following me. He was pissed I’d turned Young down then somewhere between me saying he should back off and him saying Young was a good guy, he thought that maybe it was him that I wanted.” You explained before relaying the story to Joel. 

Xavier, Young’s ‘friend’ - although, from the fact that when Young talked about Xavier, it seemed more of a dealing friendship; you help me, I’ll help you, kinda thing - had followed you as you walked through the main streets of Jackson. 

All you wanted was to get home and crawl into bed with Joel and fall asleep. 

He began, rather viciously, asking you about why you had said “No.” to Young and before you knew it, he was by your side, gripping you tighter and harassing you before you managed to break free for a moment and punched him straight across the face. 

That was when things took a violent turn. 

You had given Xavier the opportunity to walk away. Tommy had already warned you to try and not hurt anyone. He’d seen you when you became violent - he’d been there when you saved his life more times than he could count as you both made your way to Jackson - and he didn’t want to lock you up exactly because then that left Joel and Ellie to protect you - their Family. 

It was just easier for everyone if people understood to leave you alone and not try anything ‘funny’. 

Clearly, after 3 weeks in Jackson, Xavier hadn’t gotten that message. 

So, you gave it to him. 

He had been on the ground, bleeding when you left him. 

But he was smart. 

He jumped you a few streets away from your home. 

But clearly not smart enough, because it happened to be a few doors down from Tommy and Maria’s. 

Xavier had attacked you, punching you clean across the face. You fought back and when he pulled a blade on your side, you gave him hell. 

Tommy had come rushing out and checked you over before heading over to Xavier, where he lay on the floor, bleeding and broken. 

Maria came to look over. “Tommy, take him to lock-up. I’ll get Frankie to check him over in the morning.”

“Are you okay?” Tommy asked, looking at you. 

You wiped the back of your hand on your lip. Blood. 

“I’ll be okay.”

“I should-” You held out a hand to Maria and shook your head. 

“No, it’s okay. Ellie’s at home. I don’t want her getting worried.”

“Are you sure?”

You nodded and forced a smile through the pain. “Honestly.”

“Okay,” Maria replied, a little defeated. “But I’m sending someone round tomorrow if you don’t come to me by 11.”

You smiled, and laughed a little. “Okay.”

In the meantime, Tommy had dragged Xavier’s ass all the way to lock-up and left a note by Frankie’s door for the morning. 

And, now, here you were. 

“Just…don’t mention this to Ellie.” You told Joel, “I don’t want her worrying.”

“Too late.”

You and Joel both looked to the stairs. 

“And I don’t see how you could have hid this from me. It’s clear on your face.”

Ellie walked down the rest of the stairs from where she had been sitting. “Shouldn’t you be in bed?” Joel asked. 

“Couldn’t sleep. You got back late.”

Joel nodded. “I know. They’d put up the wrong beams and- it doesn’t matter.”

Ellie sat by your side. 

“You’re bleeding.” She pointed out as she saw the small patch of red by your clothes. 

You moved your arm and looked down. You’d only just dressed it. 

Joel looked from Ellie then to your wound. You had told him that Xavier had tried to cut you. Not that he had. 

Gently, he held your elbow up so your arm was out of the way of the cut. 

Joel gave you a look. “I know, I know.” you said before you pulled your arm back to lower it. 

“I’ll go and get the towels.” Ellie said. 

Joel nodded. “But then you’re going to bed.”

“But-”

“No. You don’t need to worry about this-”

“Yeah, well, I’m gunna.”

“Joel’s right, Ellie.” You added. “Besides, you’ve got a busy day tomorrow.”

“It already is tomorrow.”

“Even better. Today. You’re helping Tommy, remember?”

“All the more reason to stay up.” 

Joel shook his head. “Ellie.”

Ellie groaned. “Fine.”

Once she brought down the towels and a large bowl of warm water, she begrudgingly went back up stairs and lay down in bed, mostly staring at the ceiling. 

She turned onto her side when she could hear the rumbles of you and Joel talking which, although she didn’t want it to, lulled her into a deep sleep. 

“You should have told me.”

“It slipped my mind.” You said as Joel fiddled with the hem of your t-shirt before lifting it up and over your head. 

You turned your body at an angle and lifted your arm - although your body screamed for it to be lowered again. 

With a care that only you (and Ellie) saw from Joel, his fingers lightly brushed the wound as he cleaned it with the cotton. 

“Sure it did.”

“Shut up.”

The rest of the time was spent in silence as Joel concentrated on your wound. After a while, he took your hands in his and helped you stand. 

“You okay?”

You nodded before he unrolled the beginnings of the bandage and began to wrap it around your wound. To be safe, he then wrapped a second one around in the opposite way, making sure you could still breath but that it was secure enough. 

Mostly, the second bandage was a safety layer but he’d help you change it again the next night. Maria would probably supply you with some extra, just to be safe. 

“Do you want anything to eat?” Joel asked as he returned with one of his t-shirts from the fresh pile of laundry in the kitchen that he presumed Ellie had folded when she got bored but didn’t want to go outside. 

You shook your head as Joel helped you put on his t-shirt, gently tugging your hair from the back of the collar so it didn’t remain trapped. 

“I just want to get into bed and sleep.”

Joel gave you a soft smile before pulling you in and placing a soft kiss to your temple where you leaned into his touch. 

“Come on,”

Both you and Joel, however, before going into your bedroom, stood in the doorway of Ellie’s room. 

There she was, fast asleep, lightly snoring. She’s safe. 

Joel placed another kiss to your head, and an arm around your waist lightly, silently telling you they should get to bed. 

You nodded and once Joel had quietly shut Ellie’s bedroom door, being careful not to disturb her, he helped you slide into your side of the bed, holding the covers back as you did so. 

From where, you tiredly watched him as he got ready for bed before finally, he slipped under the covers himself and lay beside you, holding you close. 

He placed a few soft kisses to your lips, your hand coming up to hold his cheek until finally, your hand still on his cheek, he kissed your forehead and held you closer, being careful to not hurt your side. 

It was a silent I love you, and Goodnight, before you fell fast asleep, listening to the rhythm of his heartbeat as you did so. 

As Joel held you close, he thought about what would happen when they woke up. And, if he ever saw Xavier, he’d probably kill him. 

If you hadn’t spoke to him the way you did, and held him the way you did, he would have left there and then and probably killed the man on the spot. 

But that could wait until later. 

Right now, all that mattered was the fact that Ellie was safely sleeping down the hall, and he had you in his arms. Maybe a little hurt, but you were safe with him. With both him and Ellie.

You and Ellie are his family. 

He’d never let anything happen to either of you. Nor, would he let anyone get away with anything, either. 

[all-the-things-2020]

Rocky Mountain Ride

Pairing: Joel Miller x gender neutral Reader

Rating: R for some vague smut near the end

Word Count: 3800

This was supposed to be a quick drabble for the Pedro Scouts Summer Camp Talent Show, but of course, I had to create a backstory and add some feels because I’m me. I did my best to make Reader generic. No gender is implied, no physical characteristics are described (except that it’s made clear that Joel is bigger and broader than Reader but that’s pretty much a given, lol). Even the smutty bit at the end is pretty vague … this is about YOU so let your imagination fill in the blanks however you like.

@goodwithcheese

The first thing you had noticed when you arrived at Jackson was the horses. A horseback patrol had picked you up and brought you into town and your relief at being safe had run a very close race with your elation at being able to touch a horse. You’d loved them all your life but never had much chance to be around them.

The second thing you had noticed was Joel Miller. His brother’s wife was sort of the de facto mayor of the community, so you’d met him right away. He looked somber but damn was he handsome! Everyone had told you he had a reputation for “having done some stuff” in the past, but you saw the way he watched over his adopted daughter Ellie, and how he doted on his brother’s baby when he thought no one was looking. Plus, he knew how to rock a flannel shirt.

All winter, you’d admired Joel from afar. You had plenty on your plate getting settled into the Jackson community. Everyone had a role to play and it took some time to find your ideal niche. Of course, you’d volunteered to help at the stables, and no one would ever turn down an offer to muck stalls, so that was one of your assigned chores. 

Lots of people came by the stables. Some to get a horse to take out on patrol, but others just for the soothing presence of the animals. There were chickens and goats and cows and sheep and assorted other barnyard critters in town, but the horses were a focal point. You got to know Ellie, who liked to visit the foal who was quickly growing up and getting more mischievous every day. And you saw Joel and his brother Tommy quite often, since they rode patrol on a regular basis. 

You loved all the horses, but the two draft/Quarter cross geldings Chester and Arthur were your favorites. They were brothers, Chester the elder by one year. Stout, kind-hearted chestnuts, they always welcomed you to the barn with a whicker and a nudge of their muzzle as they gently begged for treats.

Winter was tough. Mud everywhere, winter coats that needed to be brushed out, hay running low, but you had made it through and now it was springtime. There was fresh grass in the pastures, the horses were glossy and fat, and the days were longer.

One morning, as you were brushing Chester, you felt a presence behind you. A quick glance confirmed it was Joel. You could always tell when he was near, because of that embarrassing fluttery feeling deep in your stomach.

”He’s lookin’ good,” Joel said. 

“He is,” you replied. “Getting back that weight he lost over the winter.”

”You ride?”

”No,” you admitted. “Always wanted to learn but we lived in the city and I could never afford lessons or anything. I got to ride a few times, on vacation, but that’s all. Other than pony rides when I was a little kid.” You knew you were babbling but you couldn’t help yourself. Joel’s brown eyes were focused on you as you spoke and you didn’t want him to stop looking at you.

”There’s a place Tommy and Maria want scouted out,” he said. “Not too far up in the mountains. Might be a nice place to take the kids in summer, get them out of town for a bit. Sort of a summer camp.” He shuffled his feet in the dirt. “Thought you might like to ride up there with me tomorrow. Kind of a reward for working so hard all winter keeping these critters clean and healthy.”

”I’d love to! But I’ll have to see if I can get someone to cover for me … I work in the dining hall during lunch.”

Joel smiled softly. “I already talked to Maria about it. She’s got you covered.”

”Okay, then,” you said, hoping you weren’t smiling too broadly.

”See you tomorrow mornin’, eight o’clock sharp,” Joel said with a nod of his head. If he’d been wearing a cowboy hat, he’d have tipped it to you. Say what you would about his past, the man was polite.

****************************************

You had hardly slept a wink and you were yawning your head off the next morning. “Why don’t you go back to bed and hit the late seating of breakfast?,” your roommate said.

”Can’t,” you replied. “I’ve got to meet someone.”

”Someone with the initials JM?”

”Shut up. And yes. But it’s business.”

”Sure it is.”

At seven forty-five, you were already outside the stable. The early patrol had ridden out just after dawn and the remaining horses were enjoying their morning hay. The air was brisk but there was a promise of warmth to come.

”Ready?” Joel was wearing your favorite green flannel shirt under his suede jacket. There was lots of Western wear available in Jackson, a legacy of its life as a tourist destination before the outbreak.

”Yes.” You couldn’t trust yourself to say much more than that, since the sight of Joel all cowboyed up took your breath away.

You pulled Chester and Arthur out of their stalls and groomed them while Joel assembled the tack. He was much faster than you at saddling and bridling the horses, so you stood back and admired him as he worked. All too soon, both horses were ready to go.

”I’ll help you up,” Joel said, holding Arthur’s stirrup steady. “Need to adjust the leathers for you anyway. Got my saddle already set.”

Even with the mounting block, getting into the saddle was awkward for you, and it didn’t help that Joel put his hands on your hips to give you a boost. You hoped the burning feeling in your face didn’t show as he casually moved your leg out of the way so he could shorten the stirrup leather a notch. When he grabbed your ankle to put your foot into the stirrup, you had to look away. His hands were so big, so strong …

”There you go,” he said, patting your calf as he fixed the other stirrup. “All set. Just give me a second and we’ll head out.”

He swung easily into the saddle and you must have made a noise, because he smiled at you. “It just takes practice, darlin’. You’ll get there.” You smiled nervously, happy that he’d misunderstood your little yelp as a sign of envy at his ease in mounting the horse and not an appreciation of his ass in those jeans.

The horses walked slowly through town, Chester and Joel leading the way. Heads swiveled as you passed by and you were careful to sit up straight and look like you knew what you were doing. 

“Have fun!” Ellie yelled, waving her hand at you and giggling to her friends as they walked to school. 

“We’re workin’, kid,” Joel yelled back. 

“Yeah, work it, old man!” There were some hoots and hollers and Joel shook his head, muttering something you couldn’t hear. Your face went hot again but fortunately Joel couldn’t see you.

The clip clop of hooves on pavement softened to the gentle thump of hooves on dirt as you left town. The guards on the wall gave you a mock salute as you passed through the gates and for the first time in a long while, you were outside the perimeter.

”We’re perfectly safe,” Joel said, turning in his saddle. “Patrol is out and there are lookouts on the outer boundary. Ain’t nothing out here scarier than a grizzly bear.” He patted the rifle that was sheathed on his saddle. 

“There was a time the prospect of a bear would have scared the shit out of me,” you said.

Joel laughed, reining Chester back so he could ride side by side with you. “All a bear can do is eat you,” he said. His face fell. “Who’d have thought there was something worse than getting eaten by a wild animal?”

You rode in silence for a while, only the plodding of the horses’ hooves and the occasional snort as they cleared dust from their nostrils. “So, how far is this meadow?,” you asked when the silence had stretched too thin.

”About an hour’s ride,” Joel said. “We follow that creek up.” He pointed toward a line of trees just ahead. “Not too far but the trail gets a bit steep. Hang onto that saddle horn once we head up.” He winked and you had to look away for a moment. 

Joel wasn’t much of a talker, but he kept up a leisurely commentary on the landscape, pointing out spots where deer came down to feed, a stretch of open land where you couldn’t let your horse gallop because of all the squirrel holes, and areas where it might be possible to expand the town. “Maria’s got plans,” he said as the horses waded the creek to reach the trail on the far side. “But she’s cautious. Takin’ things slow. We need more folks to do a lot of it, and she ain’t letting anyone in without checking them out first.”

”I’m glad I passed muster,” you said.

”So am I.”

************************************************

Joel hadn’t been kidding about the trail getting steep. You had managed to stay in the saddle but you’d had a death grip on the horn and almost had to hug Arthur’s neck a couple of times as he charged uphill. 

“You still with me?” Joel chuckled as Arthur heaved himself up a particularly steep pitch.

”Yeah,” you said. “Barely.”

”Good, ‘cause your reward is in sight.” He pulled Chester off the trail so you could see past him.

The meadow opened up ahead of you. Flat as a pancake except where it gently sloped up on the sides, the floor of the little valley was emerald green with fresh grass. A few yellow flowers were scattered around and there was a patch of something purple off to one side.

”Still a bit early for flowers,” Joel said. “Tommy said come June or July this place will look like heaven.” He tapped Chester with his heels and rode into the meadow. “It’s wet along the creek but up on that bench it’s drier. Our job is to find a spot where we can build a cabin.”

”It’s beautiful,” you said. Arthur took advantage of your distraction to snatch a mouthful of grass.

”Keep his head up,” Joel said. “We’ll let them graze soon enough. It’s bad manners for him to eat with a bit in his mouth.”

You rode toward the bench, a slightly higher area on the south side of the meadow. Joel slid easily out of the saddle and dropped Chester’s reins. “Be careful getting down,” he said as he walked toward you. “You’re gonna feel about two feet tall when your boots hit the ground.”

You did your best to emulate his dismount, but almost fell as you dropped from Arthur’s back. Fortunately, Joel was there to steady you, his broad hands against your shoulders. “Not too bad for a beginner,” he said.

He was right about feeling short; after an hour looking at the world from the saddle, suddenly everything felt much taller to you. Joel quickly untacked both horses and they wandered into the meadow in search of the juiciest grazing.

”Won’t they run away?,” you asked.

Joel shook his head. “They know they’ve got it good with us. Besides, they ain’t leaving this meadow. Green grass, fresh water, and clear sight lines. This place is horse heaven.”

He pulled a small notebook and pencil out of his jacket pocket. “I gotta take some notes, but you can just relax, stretch out those stiff muscles.” He strolled slowly along the bench, scribbling in the notebook that looked ridiculously tiny in his big hands. “I was a contractor … before.” He said, his voice falling on the last word. Most people did that when they said that word. Before. So much was contained in one little word.

”So you’re going to be in charge of building this cabin?” You followed him, partly because walking did help ease the muscles that had stiffened while you were riding, partly because you just liked being near him.

”Guess so,” he said with a shrug. “Never built a log house before, but Tommy said there’s a couple of folks who’ve worked on them before so it shouldn’t be too hard.” He squinted at the ground and jotted something down. “I’m gonna be a while. You don’t have to follow me around. You’ll get bored.”

”I’ll get bored just sitting,” you reply. “Tell me about what you’re doing. I’ve never known a contractor before.”

He laughed and started explaining what he was looking for. Your mind tried to wrap around drainage and slopes and substrate and other terms you’d heard before but had always taken for granted. At one point, Joel shed his jacket, then unbuttoned his flannel shirt to reveal a faded grey t-shirt beneath. “Gettin’ warm,” he commented as he hung his jacket on a tree limb.

”Yeah,” you said, taking off your own jacket. It wasn’t just the sun and the exercise that was warming you up, though. It was Joel. His broad shoulders and tight ass were constantly in front of you as you followed him like a duckling. 

“That’s about all I can do right now,” he said after a good hour or more of criss-crossing the bench. “But it looks feasible. Next time, I’ll bring up a crew and we can do some measuring.”

”Can I ask you something?,” you said as he headed back toward where you’d left the tack. He nodded. “Why’d you bring me? You could have done this alone, or brought one of the building crew with you.”

He stopped walking and turned to you, one hip cocked out. “Two reasons,” he said. “First, Tommy’d kill me if I went out by myself. And then when he was done, Maria’d kill me all over again. And Ellie would take care of anything that’s left.” He paused, his head tilted to the side as he cooly appraised you.

”That explains why you didn’t come alone,” you said. “But why me?”

He dropped his eyes a bit. “I asked you because … I didn’t want any witnesses.”

Instantly, you remembered every rumor you’d heard about him, how he was ruthless, a killer, had done bad things back in the QZ and even before that. “Um … witnesses?,” you managed to squeak

”In case you rejected me,” he said, ducking his head and scratching at the back of his neck. “Look, it’s been a long time since I … not much dating going on when you’re trying to survive … I’m a bit rusty.”

”Are you trying to ask me out on a date?” Relief flooded your body and you had to try very hard not to laugh. Joel would definitely take it the wrong way.

”Um, yeah,” he said with a sheepish grin. “But you know how it is back in town. Everyone all up in everyone else’s business. If I’d asked you there and you said no, word would get round.”

”Well, the answer is yes,” you said. “So you didn’t have to haul me all the way up the side of a mountain. Although the view is very nice.”

”It certainly is,” he said softly, his eyes on you. 

“And a horseback ride is a very romantic first date,” you said, letting your eyes roam over his body. 

He took a step closer. “So if this is officially a date, does that mean I can kiss you?”

”Since the date’s going well, absolutely.” 

He closed the gap between you and slid his hand to the back of your head. You both hesitated a second before leaning in. Your eyes closed as his lips met yours, and for a long moment there was nothing else in the world but the two of you. One kiss led to another and then your hand crept under the back of his t-shirt.

”Whoa, slow down, darlin’,” he said, his voice rough with emotion. “We can’t be doing that out here. It’s not safe. Gotta keep our wits about us.”

”Sorry,” you said, smoothing his t-shirt back down. “But … it’s safe back in Jackson, right?”

His eyes widened in surprise and his face broke into a genuine smile. “That’s very true,” he said. “So what say we have some lunch and then head back to town?”

You sat on the grass and ate the sandwiches and dried fruit from your saddlebags, then Joel whistled for the horses, who came ambling across the meadow. While he tacked them back up, you gathered a small bouquet of flowers. “For Ellie,” you said when you presented them to him. “You can’t come back empty handed.”

”She’s not exactly the flowers type of girl,” he said skeptically.

”I know,” you said with a laugh. “That’s why it’s so funny.”

The ride back was leisurely. The horses had full bellies and so did you and Joel. No one was in a hurry to get back to reality, although the idea of getting your hands under Joel’s shirt again kept you from feeling too dismayed as the walls of Jackson came into view. 

“I’ll see you at dinner tonight,” Joel promised as he left the stable to report to Maria, the limp bouquet of wildflowers in his hand. You helped untack and groom the horses before heading to your afternoon stint in the garden. You barely had time before dinner to wash all the dirt off your hands and change into clean pants.

Joel was sitting at a table with Ellie, Tommy and Maria. Ellie was squinting suspiciously at the little vase in front of her, where the flowers you’d gathered that morning sprawled awkwardly. “You did this, didn’t you?,” she said, pointing toward the vase as you sat down.

”I might have suggested it,” you said.

The girl muttered something unintelligible but there was a hint of a smile in her eyes. 

“So, how’d you like riding a horse instead of just cleaning up after one?” Tommy asked. His eyes flicked between you and Joel and his eyes sparkled with delight. He knew.

”It was fun,” you said. “Arthur’s a good horse. He took care of me.”

”Hope my brother took care of you, too.” Maria shushed him and Tommy gave her a wide-eyed innocent look.

“He took care of me just fine,” you replied. “And I’m sure he’ll take even better care of me tonight.”

Joel nearly choked on his food and Ellie spat out a mouthful of water. “Holy shit, he asked you out,” she said as she mopped up the table with her napkin. “I didn’t think he would.”

”I did,” Joel said once he could talk properly. “And not that it’s any of your business what goes on between two consenting adults but …” He didn’t get any farther than that because Ellie whooped and started laughing her head off. 

“Oh, you’ve got it bad, old man,” she said once she could breathe properly again. “You, too,” she added, nodding in your direction. “Should I clear out tonight so you two can have some privacy?”

You were about to say “Absolutely not” when Joel beat you to the punch. “Actually, that’s not a bad idea,” he said, which made everyone at the table — including you — gape in astonishment. Joel laid his fork down. “It’s not Movie Night, and the bar isn’t open on weeknights, so it’s not like there’s anywhere to go on a date except out to the hayloft like the kids do.” He raised an eyebrow and Ellie ducked her head. ”Thought maybe we could go old school and listen to some records, just hang out.”

”More like make out,” Tommy said to Maria, who immediately hushed him, although she looked like she was trying not to laugh.

”Maybe,” Joel said defiantly. “Like I said, ain’t nobody’s business except ours.” He gestured at you with his fork, then went back to eating.

*******************************************

Tommy had been right. After Joel put an old LP on the record player, the two of you had settled on the couch and picked up where you’d left off in the meadow. 

“We can go slow if you want, darlin’,” Joel said during a pause in the kissing.

”If you count the ride as our first date and dinner as the second, that makes this our third date,” you replied. 

“You sure?”

”I’m sure.”

It wasn’t long before both of your shirts were on the floor and you were straddling Joel’s lap. “Might be more comfortable up in the bedroom,” Joel mumbled against your throat. 

“Let’s go.”

Joel Miller was a man of few words, but he used them well. His hunger was as keen as your own, but he made sure to ask permission before he touched you, and he was not shy about asking for what he needed. Your arms were around his broad shoulders as the weight of him pinned you to the bed, his hands busy roaming your body. And it wasn’t just his hands that were big — when you took him inside you, you gasped at the size of him.

”Easy, darlin’,” he said, talking you through it like you were a skittish horse. “I ain’t gonna hurt you. Just relax. I know you can take me. Been begging for this all day.”

It was true. Ever since that first kiss in the meadow, you’d wanted him inside you, filling you up. Now he was there and moving at a steady pace, pounding against the spot deep inside that hadn’t been touched in years. Ever since the outbreak, sex had become just another tool of survival, a commodity that could be used to bargain for safety, food, simply living another day. You hadn’t been with anyone like this — both of you wanting each other just for the simple pleasure of it — since the before times. This wasn’t transactional, this was sharing. You were sharing your bodies with each other and that simple fact was enough to bring you to a climax that shuddered you from head to toes.

”I’m right behind you,” Joel huffed, his rhythm starting to get sloppy as he neared his own orgasm. “Ahh, fuck!” He shuddered against you and then went limp, catching his breath.

”Damn right,” you said, stroking his hair as he came back to himself. 

“Ellie’ll never let us live this down,” he said as he gently pulled out of you. 

“Ellie can mind her own business,” you said. “So can Tommy and Maria and everyone else in town.” You cupped his face in your hands and kissed his swollen lips. “This is just between you and me.”

“Ain’t nothing gonna come between you and me, darlin’,” he said. “Not anymore.”

[gasolinerainbowpuddles]

𝑭𝑬𝑹𝑨𝑳 𝑾𝑶𝑴𝑨𝑵 ║ Chapter 6 - I Clung To Your Hands So That Something Human Might Exist in the Chaos

| FERAL WOMAN | series masterlist | main masterlist | | PAIRING(s): Joel Miller x fem!OC/reader

| RATING: explicit material | 18+ | WORD COUNT: 5.7k | CHAPTER WARNINGS: PTSD/anxiety/grief related situations | CHAPTER SUMMARY: You are finally able to express your gratitude and affection for Susan. It’s a reminder of all the reward for placing your full trust in people again. When a distressing part of your history lays claim to you, it disrupts your delicate ability to put your faith in others. But what if you have no other choice?

║ＰＲＥＶＩＯＵＳ ║⋄── •✧• ──⋄║ ＮＥＸＴ ║

Please read with caution if you have difficulties with works concerning: SA, physical violence, torture, captivity, trauma, and similar topics as they are discussed throughout the series. All highly sensitive portions WILL BE MARKED with my sensitive material banner if you wish to skip the more challenging portions. The sensitive material banner looks like this:

✧⋄⋆•✧⋄⋄⋆⋅⋆✧•✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆•⋆⋄── •✧• ──⋄⋆•⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧•✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧•⋆⋄ ✧ “𝙸 𝚊𝚖 𝚊𝚏𝚛𝚊𝚒𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚒𝚏 𝙸 𝚘𝚙𝚎𝚗 𝚖𝚢𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏, 𝙸 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚙 𝚙𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐. 𝚆𝚑𝚢 𝚍𝚘 𝙸 𝚏𝚎𝚊𝚛 𝚋𝚎𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚊 𝚛𝚒𝚟𝚎𝚛? 𝚆𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚖𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚐𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚖𝚎 𝚜𝚞𝚌𝚑 𝚜𝚑𝚊𝚖𝚎?” ― Jᴀᴍɪᴇ Oʟɪᴠᴇʀɪᴀ ✧⋄⋆•✧⋄⋄⋆⋅⋆✧•✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆•⋆⋄── •✧• ──⋄⋆•⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧•✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧•⋆⋄ ✧

Tommy and Maria’s baby girl was beautiful. She was the smallest thing you’d ever seen in your life. You had politely declined holding her as you had very little experience caring for tiny humans, and the last thing you wanted to do was accidentally hurt her. Thankfully Ellie was on the same wavelength as you, so you weren’t the only one rejecting Jackson’s newest bundle of joy, Gwendolyn Miller. It was a family name on Maria’s side, and Tommy agreed to it so long as he could pick the nickname.

“Hi, Gwen,” Ellie whispered, hovering behind the couch over Joel’s shoulder to get a better look. She was asleep, but her precious face was hard to ignore and drew almost constant cosseting and syrupy admiration.

“You can touch her, you know,” Joel says quietly. He gently nudged his side into yours.

You sat next to Joel with your hands neatly folded in your lap as you craned over Gwen’s head. Joel’s hand engulfed Gwen’s entire head, snug and soft against his chest. He’d done all this before, you had learned. He hadn’t told you much about it, but he had mentioned in passing a couple of times that he’d lost a young daughter during outbreak. You didn’t push him for any details. It was a sort of code you both honored where sharing snippets from your past was not a blanket invitation for exploration and questions, unless it was offered.

“But Maria said she had holes in her head,” you whisper. Although you were being completely serious, your solemn delivery only made Joel struggle to pull the line of his mouth straight.

“Just soft spots. She’s fine. Just don’t go pokin’ and you’ve got nothin’ to worry about,” he ribbed. 

You reluctantly graze the tip of your finger against her forehead and soft curls. It wasn’t as scary as you thought it would be. It was actually easy to get wrapped up in the little noises she let out and miniature flexes of muscle in her face as she slept.

“She’s so pretty,” you breathe. 

Joel murmured an agreement, although his eyes were locked on you instead of the little baby asleep in his arms.

The only tension around Tommy and Maria was from the beautiful chaos of having a newborn. A few hours of sleep logged here and there. Quick swipes of food when they remembered. Showers when they had the chance. There was no residual conflict from your celebration dinner, and, even if there had been, they both were way too busy being new parents to worry about something minor like that.

Susan stayed behind to help with a few household tasks while you, Joel, and Ellie left before you overstayed your welcome. On the way out the door, Maria reminded you to check with the trade and supply hub about new clothes. You thanked her, as if you could forget that you needed to exchange the garments you had first acquired in Jackson.

Ellie walked ahead, impatient to get back to her comic books and some alone time, while you and Joel ambled at your usual rhythm. Joel regularly walked you home from your patrol station work, and he didn’t forgo the trip even if he was off that day and had no reason to be there other than to accompany you. You knew it wasn’t just because he wanted to make sure you got home safely, and your heart erupted into a pitiful, beautiful river of mirth every time you remembered that he enjoyed your company.

“New clothes, huh?” he asks.

“Oh, yeah. Gonna trade in my stuff from when I got here,” you reply.

“Can’t imagine you woulda worn ‘em down already.” There’s a hint of a question in his tone that suggests he’s inquisitive about the topic but doesn’t want to pry.

“No, it’s not that. They’re not in bad condition or anything. I just need some bigger sizes, especially for my pants,” you explain. You absentmindedly look down at your attire for the day, smoothing a hand over the fitted fabric across your belly and hips.

“S’that right?” Joel made a contemplative noise. He was quick to tear his gaze away from your hand trailing against your midsection before you noticed.

“I mean, I guess I’ve gained some weight. Since I got here,” you clarify, thinking Joel didn’t understand.

“Good,” he says firmly. 

You peer up at him with a slight tilt of the head and scrunched face in expectation of some sort of comment on your figure. You hope he wouldn’t say anything, even if it was a flattering observation. You tried not to think about your outwards self too much. The less you were reminded of it, the better. The veiled mirrors in your house were as good a testament to that as any.

“Means you’re feelin’ safe enough to slow down a little bit and eat some square meals. Takes gettin’ used to, I know.”

Joel dawdled alongside you, hands resting comfortably in his pockets. He glanced down at the ground as he spoke, an atypical behavior for him. He peeked at you from the corner of his eye as though he was gauging if this was a permitted topic of conversation.

You bob your head in agreement. You relaxed a bit after it was clear he wasn’t going to treat your body as a public forum for thoughts and opinions. “Yeah. I have an appetite now. It’s so weird.”

“Good thing you got your own private reserves of jerky, I guess,” he teases.

“Again, your fault,” you laugh.

You playfully shouldered into his side and kept your eyes on the ground to help distract from the tingly, warm feeling in your belly. It was happening more and more often, and only when you were with Joel. You thought it couldn’t be much of a bad thing given how nice it made you feel.

Joel smiled quietly next to you and made sure you got in your door safely before heading off with a wave.

Susan returned from Tommy and Maria’s with a full rundown of just how perfect Gwen was. You couldn’t help but smile as she spoke with unbridled glee. She was one of those people who just seemed destined to always be a mother or at the very least the guardian of something precious she could pour all her love into.

You felt a pang of guilt when she mentioned how much she enjoyed visiting with Tommy and Maria. You had been spending a good portion of your time with Joel and Ellie, frequently hanging out at their house until dinnertime. Susan never guilt tripped you for it, but you still felt bad that you weren’t spending as much time with her as you used to. Like you should be.

“Listen, Susan. I’m-I’m sorry if I haven’t been, you know, around as much. It’s not that I don’t like being with you,” you start with a nervous lilt.

“Oh what on earth do you mean, Bug?” she tuts. Susan was even quicker than Joel to shut down any whiff of self-negativity from you.

“I mean, just my shifts at the patrol station. And, spending more time over at Joel and Ellie’s.”

You crinkle your pursed lips to the side. You weren’t really sure how to word these kinds of things. It was difficult enough to pick which feeling took priority or which one to present first if they all seemed to hold the same weight. Putting all the words in the correct order, in the right tone, with the right body language felt like a riddle straight out of Greek mythology.

“That’s what you’re supposed to be doing, Bug!” she insists. “It’s a good thing. It means I’m doing my part to make you feel comfortable here. In fact, I think I’d be rather upset with myself if you weren’t starting to put yourself out there a little bit.”

“Really? You mean that?” you press.

“Absolutely,” she promises.

“Thanks, Susan,” was all you could force past the lump collecting in your throat.

This woman was such a treasure to you. You felt sorry for the entirety of Jackson missing out on having Susan around whenever winter picked up. You got to have her to yourself every day, and it almost felt greedy keeping such a lovely thing for yourself. Then again, before you came into the picture, Susan had been patiently waiting for “the right roommate” to come along. You and Susan had really found one another when you needed each other the most.

When you sniffed back your mawkish ruminations, Susan mistook it for anxiety. “Now now, Bug. It’s alright. You can always take a minute if you’re feeling overwhelmed. You know that. You did perfectly fine just then. I knew just what you were saying and everything. Go on and take a break, and we can pick up our chat later when you’re ready.”

Deciding now was as good a time as any to continue “putting yourself out there,” you cleared your throat and demystified the antsy air clouding you. 

“Actually, Susan, it’s not really that. Not that sort of a thing. I just– I got a little emotional? I guess because of, because I was-I was thinking how I think everyone should have a Susan in their life. Everyone should have a Susan of their own. I’m- just- I’m really lucky.”

A diffuse, glistening glow cast over Susan’s eyes. “Oh, Bug. You’re such a sweet girl. I’m the lucky one.”

An idea flitted through your head so quickly you almost lost track of it. It was a stupid idea.

You shouldn’t do it. 

Yes, you should. 

Fuck it.

“Do you think that, maybe.. maybe if I could give you a hug?” you ask. “A small one?” you add hastily.

You really did want to hug Susan, but you didn’t entirely trust your negative reactions that seemed to spring up from nowhere at the worst times. A small hug would be a good starting place. Better safe than sorry.

Susan beamed ear to ear. “I think that sounds amazing.”

She held her arms out and waited for you to initiate. You ambled closer and slowly circled your arms around her middle. When you felt her light as air embrace around you, you let go of the breath you were vaguely aware you’d been holding. You weren’t sure what to do, but you could almost hear Joel’s voice in your head: Trust your instincts. Do what feels right. Don’t think too much about it.

You tucked your head against her shoulder, and that was the little gesture that emboldened Susan to gently run her palm down your hair. You trembled slightly at the enveloping comfort it all brought you.

“You’re doing so well, Bug. I’m so, so proud of you,” she whispered into your hair.

“I-I think I’m proud of me, too,” you confess.

You shared a nervous giggle together before releasing your holds. When you took a step back, the joy and pride on Susan’s face made you want to burst into tears.

If this was what being Susan’s roommate was like, you could only imagine the love this woman must have had for her daughter in all the years before her untimely passing. If Susan wanted to be your surrogate mother figure, you’d indulge her every damn day of the week for the rest of your life.

Ellie’s comics took up most of the kitchen table as she tried explaining the general plot of her favorite series to you. You had never really been into the science fiction kind of stuff, but you entertained her anyway. It was nice how she wanted to share one of her favorite things with you. Joel just seemed grateful that you were tackling it this time, giving him a much needed break from Ellie’s impassioned pitches about the absolute gem that was Savage Starlight.

You noticed one of the copies looked much less worn than the others. “This your newest one?” you ask, tapping the serial in question.

“Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I guess. I dunno.”

She shrugged and tucked her face lower. The swing of her mood in the complete opposite direction had you worried you’d done something to upset her.

You had been a little off today after a few nights of poor sleep. Something about the whole situation with Nathan had started a domino effect on your nerves and had made it more difficult to fall and stay asleep without any nasty dreams cropping up a few times a week. You were working through the feelings of anxiety that someone could still “get you” in Jackson, even though you knew you were safe. Joel would keep you safe.

Still, it was a difficult feeling to shake. You rejected the notion of being a victim, but you could admit that you felt like vulnerable prey, unaware of the lurking predator stalking you and waiting for you to put your guard down a little too much.

You practiced patience and understanding with yourself as much as possible, just like Joel had encouraged you to. A day at a time was all you could ask of yourself, as he frequently reminded you.

“Sorry if I said something. I’m just, I’m sort of tired, I guess. Didn’t sleep as much as I should’ve last night,” you offer in way of explanation and apology.

Joel busied himself with washing dishes at the sink, but you caught the swift, fluid turn of his head your direction at your remark. You pretend to not notice his concerned profile. You’d dealt with much worse than a few nights of bad sleep. He didn’t need to trouble himself with it. God knows he’d done plenty for you since you got here and continued to find ways to help you along. Something this small didn’t necessitate his concern.

Joel worried too much, sometimes, you thought. Between you, Ellie, and baby Gwen, he was never short on somebody to fuss over - of course with his best impression of an austere, stoic protector who wasn’t just a bleeding-heart over those dearest to him at the end of the day. It wasn’t something he’d vocalized to you, but it was something you’d felt from him enough times to know what sort of man he was deep down.

Ellie’s eyes hesitated over the serial before training her focus to another.

“No, it’s alright. It’s just from a… friend. We met them when we were traveling. But he, uh, he didn’t make it. My friend. He liked this comic, too,” she shares, idly pushing some of the comics around and avoiding your gaze. “It was his, though. The newer looking one. I took it after he… well, anyway. After he wasn’t around anymore, I took it with me.”

You nodded sympathetically. Joel was stiff as he washed the plate in his hands for what must have been the third time now. He seemed more on edge than usual. You hope he isn’t getting too worked up over you not getting all the rest you need.

“Yeah, I just guess I shouldn’t have taken it, maybe. I don’t know why I did. Like for a memory of him, maybe, or something,” Ellie mumbles, poking absentmindedly at various pieces in her collection. “No, I understand,” you reassure her. “It’s a nice way to-to keep his memory alive. Celebrating something he loved. And now you can share it with other people, too. Sharing it with me. I’m sure your friend would’ve wanted you to have it. I think it’s a nice way to remember someone.”

You felt the emotion of painful memories blooming before they came into your mind. Mae. You missed her. You wished so badly you had something of hers that you could’ve taken with you. Just something to hold, to have, to show that she existed. That she was real. That she was probably the best friend you’d ever had. 

The entirety of her existence was now limited to the scraps and flickers of memories you had of her. There were so, so many horrendous memories with her, but you felt guilty willing those away and only trying to preserve the good. It was like you were denying her existence by letting those times, however tormenting and grievous they were, slip away into a wash of nothingness in your mind. 

You alone carried her story with you. No family. No friends. No one except you. You’d heard an expression once that hadn’t made much sense at the time but had come to be acutely within your comprehension:

We die twice. The first being when you draw your last breath. The second being the last time someone speaks your name.

You hadn’t spoken about Mae to anyone. You’d given her a grave in your thoughts, burying her life, not speaking her name and telling her story to anyone willing to listen. It was as though you were killing her this time. Giving her another death. Refusing her the only life you could offer, the one where her memory lived on through you and the narrative of her life as told by you.

Your eyes began to pinch. You shake your head and repeat yourself, hoping that it wasn’t too obvious you’d gone into a bit of a tailspin just now. “But, y-yeah, remembering people. It’s nice. To do that. Your comics.”

Joel wasn’t even pretending to wash the dishes anymore. He was angled towards you halfway. He’d probably picked up on your digression and stilted words. You needed to get yourself sorted, and quickly, before you made Joel worry for nothing. 

Ellie just sort of hummed a nonresponse, lost in her own thoughts just as you had been.

“Probably. Sam was sort of a little kid, though, so he probably wouldn’t have known any better how messed up it kinda is,” she ponders aloud, the guilt obvious in her voice. You wilted into a stony slump in your chair. A hard thumping noise rose in your ears. 

“But yeah, it’s cool to share it with people. Sam would’ve like that, I think,” she decides.

You were gripping your elbows so tight that your fingers were starting to tingle.

“Hello? You okay?” Ellie asks, suddenly cognizant of your changed composure. “M’fine,” you grit out in a whisper. Joel had turned around fully now and was rushing his hands through a towel to dry them off. “If it’s because Sam was just a kid, I don’t have to talk about it anymore if it’s upsetting to you,” Ellie offers, unsure of what she had done or said that had clearly set you off. “Stop,” you grit out again with a strangled effort. Your eyes screwed shut, and acid lapped at your throat.

Stop saying his name. Stop saying his name. Stop saying his name.

“Hey.” Joel’s soft voice came from behind you along with a comforting hand on your shoulder.

“NO!” you bellow, rocketing to your feet and knocking your chair over. You couldn’t stop yourself launching  a defensive swing in Joel’s direction, causing him to take a large step back.

The bouts of air you sharply gulped wracked through your chest in punctured, dry pulls, but you didn’t feel like you were getting enough oxygen. Your brain was screaming at you to fight, escape, protect yourself. You couldn’t find the threat, which meant that everything was a threat.

“Shit! Alright, I won’t say another word!” Ellie frantically vows, unsure what exactly she had done to spur this from you. She backed against the counter to put a wide space between the two of you. 

Her emphatic appeal and physical retreat hauled you back into reality where shame readily awaited your return.

You glanced between her wild eyed confusion and Joel’s knowing frown. Overcome with your embarrassing spectacle, you scurry to run from the room, only managing to stumble backwards over your fallen chair. A sickly thud echoed as all your weight fell on your right hand and wrist. The stinging, shooting pain was immediate, but you ignored it as you scrambled backwards, propelled by your heels and elbows.

“Jesus Christ, Joel, help her before she fuckin’ goes through a wall or something!” Ellie barks out. 

Your eyes darted skittishly to Joel who had his hands raised to his shoulders, palms out to demonstrate his nonthreatening advance.

“Sweetheart, can you hear me?”

He crouched slowly and winced at the demand it put on his knees. He rested a knee on the floor and extended a hand.

“Hey, right here, baby. Look at me.” Soft. Quiet. Helpful.

You wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn’t come. They felt trapped behind your eyes. Just a few moments ago you’d been willing them away, and now that you wished they’d just fall as they now swell and burn behind your vision. A sort of weak, shrill noise emanated from your throat. Your wrist was thumping in an undeniably afflicted rhythm, the fiery pulse of your blood rushing to the site.

“I’m gonna help you up. I’m gonna put my right arm behind you from your left side, and I’m gonna keep my left arm by my side completely, alright?”Joel’s eyes searched yours. You realize you had yet to answer him.

Ellie gawked at Joel as if he were on a LSD bender calling out bizarre Twister prompts to a party of equally strung out guests. “Dude, she doesn’t need a play by play!  Just fuckin’ help her up!”

But you did need a play by play, and Joel did just as he had told you. No surprises. No changes. Only what you had been told and what you hadn’t refused. Your left hand, the only one that was working properly at the moment, grabbed onto Joel’s side, not letting go even after he had steadied you to your feet. Following your lead, he didn’t let go either.

“Grab a bucket from the garage and go get some of the snow from the back corner where it still hasn’t melted and gets real icy,” he instructed over his shoulder to Ellie. Normally one to argue, Ellie did as she was asked without a word.

“Look at me.” Joel’s voice was low and calm. You looked up. “You okay now?”

You nodded meekly, unsure if it was the truth or not.

“You don’t have to be. I was just askin’,” he adds.

You blinked slowly a few times. You were on autopilot, going through whatever motions and words your mind was puppetting you through. “I-I need to s-s-sit. Sit w’me.”

“Alright. Where d’ya wanna sit?” he asks. Calm. Low. Slow. Gentle. Safe.

“Couch.”

Joel’s arm never left your back just as your hand never left his side. You weren’t woozy, you weren’t disoriented, you weren’t even unsteady on your feet. You were just holding on because it brought you comfort. Holding onto this man brought you a sense of comfort. It was still such an odd thing. You weren’t sure if you’d ever get used to it or if it would always feel a bit strange and unusual to be soothed by it. To feel secure instead of scared. Ellie came back in with the bucket of crunchy snow and plopped a handful of it into two stacked tea towels before winding it up into a ball at Joel’s instruction. Joel moved his arm from your back and held his hand out for you to offer your injured one. You presented it to him with slight hesitation, but it was out of apprehension for what the damage was rather than him touching you. Joel gingerly assessed your forearm, wrist, hand, fingers, all of it until he seemed content with his findings. Though he was gentle as could be, you still flinched and hissed at the pain when he moved your hand a certain way. “Just a sprain. Nothing too severe. Nothing broken or snapped, at least.” His words came so confidently and calmly that it actually distracted you a little from the throbbing pain. “Ellie, change out the towels with new snow if it starts ta’melt too much. M’gonna go ask Tommy for somethin’ to keep her swellin’ down.” “You’re leaving?” Your question sounded more frantic than you had intended. Joel lifted an eyebrow in surprise. “Only for a little bit,” he promised. “And th-then you’re coming back? Right back?” you plead, not really caring how stupid or weak you sounded. “I’m goin’ straight to Tommy’s a few doors down and then straight back here.” You nodded, and his gaze softened once you appeared calmed by this assurance to get back to you quickly. You didn’t mind Ellie’s company. In fact, you rather enjoyed spending time with her, but right now the only person you wanted to be with and look after you was Joel. 

You didn’t mull it over or question why exactly that was. Right now you were just allowing yourself to feel it and not have to have any explanation or reason for it other than it just was.

When Joel returned less than 10 minutes later, he had a small glass jar with a lid screwed on, housing noisy little tablets that rocked and jumped with his heavy steps. Ellie grabbed a glass of water for you at his request, which you gratefully accepted. Your mouth felt rather dry from all the humiliation.

You went to take the pill from Joel, not feeling the need to ask what it was, but were immediately reminded of your out-of-operations hand. Silently asking and subsequently receiving your look of permission, Joel pinched the tablet between his thumb and pointer finger and placed it on your tongue. You chased it down quickly with large gulps of water.

“Give us just a minute, Ellie. Head out to your room, and I’ll call you back in.” Ellie, ever agreeable today, went quietly without dispute, leaving you and Joel together on the couch. The floor creaked in the kitchen before the backdoor snapped shut and signaled you were alone.

“You’re gonna need to take this medicine a coupla times a day for the next few days. And ice your hand and wrist for the next 24 hours at least. Probably closer to 48 since I think it’s leanin’ a bit more moderate than mild. Not sure yet about a splint. You think Susan can help you with all that?”

You nod silently. “How’s it feel?” “It hurts, but..  it-it’s better.” You thoughtfully turned your wrist the smallest degree manageable to test your assertion and grimaced when a pain shot up through your elbow. “You’re gonna need ta’leave it be. Can’t be usin’ it or it’s not gonna get better any time soon,” Joel instructed. “Can you look at it again?” you ask.

Your imploring glance had an effect on Joel almost instantly.  He studied you for a moment, searching for something. An answer to a question that you didn’t even know how to formulate. Yet, here Joel was, trying his best to figure it out for the both of you.

You know it sounded ridiculous to ask him to look again. There wasn’t anything Joel was going to see that he hadn’t already come to discover, but you didn’t care. You wanted him to delicately hold your wrist in his large, warm hands while rendering such precise movements as to barely smart your sprain. You wanted him to take care of you, to be gentle with you, to fuss over you. Just a little while longer. He sighed and looked down at your wrist. A small shake of his head. It didn’t appear he’d conjured any appeasing response despite his best efforts.

“Honey, it’s sprained at the very least. Me lookin’ it over ain’t gonna change that,” he explains gently. “I know that,” your voice breaks. “Just look at it again.” Joel seemed to catch on that you weren’t asking for him to reevaluate his conclusion. “You want me to look at it again?” he echoes, hoping for you to elaborate. “Yeah. You know, just- maybe hold it and see if it’s really bad,” you specify clumsily in a half-hearted whisper. Your request was so jumbled and awkward that it could hardly qualify as being dishonest. You wanted to be forthright. You just didn’t know how to get the words out to convey it. You wanted Joel to comfort you. “Alright.”

Joel’s tone indicated he wasn’t entirely sure what he was supposed to be doing, only that whatever it might be was what you needed to feel comfortable. His fingertips brushed along your skin, his tender hold feeling like an anchor to him. Your eyes closed as you took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, Joel working over your sprain again in an unhurried mediation.

“Is it okay if I rest your arm here?” You open your eyes to see Joel is gesturing to his thigh. Your eyes flit to his, only a small part of you unsure. You nod firmly, showing certainty in your approval.

You watch curiously as he drapes your arm against his thigh, carefully separating your fingers into a fanned position across his knee. You tense slightly at the tight pulling feeling, and you can sense Joel pausing each time to check in on your face, your expression, your feelings, your thoughts. “Gonna feel pressure. Tell me if it hurts or if it’s too much.”

You chewed your bottom lip, working the worry and jitters through your teeth. Joel warning you of a possible unpleasant feeling and asking you to vocalize it to him so he can pull back or stop . . . it was overwhelming. You had never been warned. You had never been encouraged to vocalize your hurt and pain and cries for it to stop unless it was some fucked up power imbalance being enacted by some sadist. By Sam.

Joel pressed his palms with gradual force against your arm and wrist. It was a bittersweet feeling of sensitivity and appeasement. Ultimately it felt better than it hurt. 

“You okay? I know it doesn’t feel great. Probably need a splint for a few days just to keep it from too much motion.”  Joel isn’t sure if it’s his words or his movements that have you tensing and on the verge of tears. 

“Tell me to stop.” It’s a soft command, ordering you to tell him if you don’t want this. You shake your head back and forth in exaggerated movements and breathe around the tight feeling in your throat. 

“Well, if you aren’t gonna tell me to stop with words then I’m just gonna to take your silent cues ‘n stop,” he decides, carefully placing your hand onto your lap. The loss of his touch feels worse than the sting of your sprain. “It’s not that. Please. Don’t,” you choke out, holding Joel’s curious gaze. “Please. Can you sit? Very still? Just like you are. And-And don’t move?”

He nods, glancing you up and down as though he’s not sure what is coming next. You’re not even sure what’s coming next, but you feel yourself moving anyway. You lean forward enough to pick Joel’s hand up and bring it down over your head behind your back, guiding it to your hip. The freed curve of his side now open to you, you sidle closer into him.

You carefully grab his other hand and place it on top of your sprain before resting your uninjured one on top. You nuzzle the back of your head against his shoulder, sinking into the expanse of him. Joel remained still but pliable, careful to not be stiff to your arranging. 

“Just hold me here like this for a little bit,” you bid in a hush. Joel answers by way of tightening his grasp of you ever so slightly and rubbing circles with his thumb against you.

“Anything you need from me, you’ve got it.” His voice is soothing, modulated, familiar. Safe.

Your lashes flutter against your cheeks. You can feel the wet there now. You wonder when you started crying. You sniff a few times, but your streams just feel hotter and more eager to spill over.

“Tell me what I can do. Please. Anything.” Joel’s firm, steady voice that existed in perpetuity wavered slightly.

Your eyes drift up to meet his. He’s looking down at you, now the one who’s pleading for something. Wishing and willing for anything that could help you. His hand between yours twitches. You think back to the time the two of you first went to the market alone. The talk you had on the way. The tears you’d shed then. The way he’d hesitated and then pulled back when he wanted to wipe them away.

You reach for his hand and guide it to your cheek where hot rivulets trickle steadily all the way down your jaw and neck. Even with your prompting, he hesitates to touch your face. So, you lean into his open palm. Your eyes flutter shut and squeeze tight at the overwhelming repose and contentment it engulfs you in. You nuzzle against it shamelessly, soaking up all of these foreign comforts.

Your whimper of a sigh, resounding in the solace of the gesture, seems to be the compelling evidence of your resolute consent that he is at liberty to nurture and pacify your distress. His thumbs swipes gentle passes across the curves of your face, skimming the tears off where they’re still gathering.

“S’this okay?” Your lids lift with concerted effort. You can feel the lack of sleep creeping up on you even more rapidly now. 

“MMmhmmmmm,” you murmur back.

“How ‘bout you take a rest, sweetheart? I’ll wake you up in a little bit. Wouldn’t mind longer, but Ellie’ll get worked up if she ain’t called back soon.” Joel’s words already sound fuzzy.

“Righ’here?” you mumble.

You feel Joel’s chest vibrate with a chuckle. You could hear his heartbeat, steady and low. Were you laying on him? You jerked awake slightly and ebbed back into a lull when you realize you’d only slumped into his side where he’d cradled you tighter against him, legs drawn up slightly so you could dip into his middle all the more.

“Yeah, honey. Right here.” His breaths pull and press against your head where he’s resting his own. Joel had said you could have anything from him that you needed, and as you drift off you know with every fiber of your being that he could wholeheartedly deliver on that invitation.

If only we all had our very own Susan. 😣💞

The title of this chapter is a quote from Hélène Cixous.

Thank you for reading, commenting, and reblogging! Y'all are wonderful.

catch ya later, ♥Puddles♥

[soulofapatrick]

Curls - Tommy Miller x Reader

Summary: Tommy comes back from patrol all hot and sweaty with his curls doing things to Y/N and it doesn’t take long for her restraint to snap

Words: 2.4K

Warnings: Fingering

Notes: Idea given to me by the amazing @thesapphirequeen​

Y/N’s POV

I would say I have a lot of self control but when Joel and Tommy come back from a particularly tough patrol I have to sit down and cross my legs as the sight of Tommy all hot and sweaty, his curls sticking to his forehead does something to me. Ellie takes one look at me and burst out of laughing, her and Jesse both knowing about my insatiable crush on the younger Miller brother. We’re currently sat in Joel’s living room where we all congregate as a family once a week. All of us being Joel; Ellie; Tommy: Jesse: Dina; Maria and I. A small part of me hates that Maria is here as it’s like the world wants to rub it in my face that there is something undeniable going on between Maria and Tommy. It’s not like I’d be able to make a move on Tommy anyway, he’s too perfect for me to even have a chance. 

Tommy looks hand sculptures by Michelangelo right now, shirt practically sticking to his well defined chest as he shrugs off his fleece jean jacket, sun kissed skin glistening in the evening sun that’s shining through the window, illuminating the golden specks in his cognac eyes and showing off his freckles. Out of it all I itch to run my hands through those luscious curls that are currently stuck to his face and neck and I want to run my tongue up his chest to taste the saltiness that is Tommy. 

Ellie’s giggling, pressing a firm hand to my shoulder and squeezing, causing me to drag my eyes away from Tommy. Oh my god I was staring! I risk a glance back at the ethereal man and feel myself turn three shades of scarlet when he winks at me, cognac eyes bright and full of amusement. Before anything else embarrassing can happen I have Jesse planting himself on my lap and knocking the air from my lungs as he leans back and all I can do is wrap my arms around his waist with a fond shake of my head. 

“Dinner is almost ready so go shower boys!” Maria calls from the kitchen where Dina is helping her cook. I rest my head on Jesse’s shoulder, watching Tommy pull the shirt over his head to reveal more of his glistening sun kissed skin that has me burying my face in the back of Jesse’s shirt instead before I get carried away, storing the images for later when I’m alone in my own bed. Jesse’s trying to turn his head far enough to see my face, a concerned look furrowing his brows before they soften to amusement when Ellie leans down and whispers something to him. 

“Tommy eh?” Jesse asks quietly and I just tighten my arms around his waist almost painfully in warning, “Alright, alright. I’m here if you wanna talk though.” 

“Thank you.” I press my lips to his clothed shoulder and he chuckles before turning back to Ellie and they continue their bickering over what comic book series was better: Marvel or DC. I have always held Marvel with a higher respect, watching some of the movies before the outbreak and finding the DVDs of the rest over the years. They’re sat in my room upstairs, on my bookcase along with the books I’ve found along my journeys. I love being to able to hold onto parts of the past, especially books that have sentences highlighted in them as I feel like I am bringing someone long forgotten back to life even if I don’t know their names. You learn a lot about people by the highlighted parts or the notes scribbled down the edges of the pages. All of them dog-eared and worn but loved and continue to be loved. 

Joel reappears first, playfully scolding Jesse for crushing me and making my best friend get off my lap. Playing along I pretend to gasp in a deep breath, causing Jesse to smack my arm and Joel let out a hearty laugh. One strong look from Maria has Joel ushering the three of us to the table, Ellie and Jesse running to the seat next Joel and bickering over it as they both sat down on half of it each. Joel just shakes his head fondly, salt and pepper hair shining in the light and there’s a ghost of a smile on his lips, weather worn features softening with the kind of love a father has for his kids. It’s a warming thing to see after the heartbreak of Sarah and how he broke down when telling me and Ellie about being the guy that shot and missed all those years ago. That was the man Tommy and Maria expected to find when we arrived in Jackson those three years ago but I hope Tommy has found the man his brother once used to be all those years ago before the outbreak. 

Ellie will always be Joel’s kid but Jesse… I’d honestly say I see him more as Tommy’s surrogate son with the way Tommy is always looking out for him and the way Jesse looks up to Tommy. It’s not the same kind of idolisation he has for Joel, that is a role model idolisation whereas Jesse idolises Tommy like a kid would their parent. It warms my heart seeing everyone here as a family. 

Joel is moving Ellie one down so Dina can sit between them and Jesse gets placed opposite Ellie. Joel and I sit opposite each other, either side of Maria who will sit at the head of the table which means-

“Saved me a spot I see sweetheart.” A large and warm hand squeezes my shoulder before Tommy’s sliding into the seat between me and Jesse as Maria and Dina bring the plates over. Tommy looks almost more amazing than before, his hair damp from the shower and smelling of vanilla, fresh faced and a smirk on his lips as he digs into the pasta dish Maria and Dina have prepared up. I think my jaw hits the floor when I realise he’s wearing my sweater, it’s my favourite sweater: a deep blue colour and very warm and  oversized yet on him it seems to fit him perfectly. The idea of him going into my room and picking out the sweater he knows I wear all the time to cover in the dizzying scent of everything Tommy makes my mouth water and I have to clear my throat a little. 

I could hardly focus on the rest of the meal when Tommy’s leg brushes against mine and settles there, not moving away and I’m not gonna push him away. Everyone’s laughing and joking around about their favourite moments on patrol or funny stories from before the outbreak and I’m just happy to listen to them all. The sound of laughter music to my ears and just seeing us all be a big happy family warms my heart so much but there is always going to be a pang of sadness that comes with it. Sometime I can imagine my siblings being here with us as well as Sarah. 

Plates are being collected and everyone is beginning to say their goodbyes and head home. Jesse and Maria leaving first as they live in the same direction, Dina is staying the night and I find myself walking Tommy out. We stand on the porch, watching the evening sky and the peace that comes with is while the three inside clean up. Tommy's calloused hand settles over mine before he’s pulling me into a hug that has me weak at the knees, especially when he whispers, “Come by mine tomorrow and you can have your sweatshirt back baby girl.” His lips ghost the corner of my lips then he’s gone, striding confidently down the street towards his own place. The opposite direction to Marias. 

*

“Tommy?” I call into the house, stepping inside to find it silent but there’s a note propped up on the table in his messy scrawl. He is having to help with some last minute repairs on the Harris’ house so I should make myself at home and that my sweatshirt is in his room if I’d prefer to grab it and go. 

Despite my best judgement I’m heading down the hallway to his room, creaking the door open and finding my sweatshirt neatly laid out on his bed. His room always makes me smile as everything in it screams Tommy like the guitar hung up on the wall and the bunch of old school posters for movies and bands that we all manage to scavenge on our patrols. Broken photo frames are dotted around the room, most of them of him, Joel and Sarah from before the outbreak. There’s a pile of books stashed in the corner and I think I melt right there and them as there’s a sticky note on them with the words ‘For Y/N’. 

 Turning from the pile I move to the bed, picking up my sweater and bringing it to my nose, groaning lightly as he didn’t wash it so the addictive mix of his vanilla body wash clings to it along with the coffee he probably had when he got home and the woodsmoke from working and helping the town. My body acts upon its own instincts when I’m unbuttoning my shirt and pulling my sweater over my head, sitting on his bed and just enjoying the feeling of being trusted enough to be allowed to let myself into his house let alone his bedroom. 

His bed… My mind can’t help but wonder to how it would feel being pinned down to his bed with his heavy weight settled on top of me and his fingers trailing my skin, lips and teeth leaving marks that I wouldn’t be able to hide. I’m laying back, popping the button on my jeans and sliding my hand over the fabric of my slowly wetting underwear, letting my eyes slip shut as I tease myself, the smell of him surrounding me making it hard to cling to any sanity. My thumb grazes my clit and his name tumbles from my lips in a broken moan. 

“Fuck me baby girl,” My eyes fly open, hand flying out of my jeans and sitting up to find Tommy standing in the doorway, face flushed and lips parted slightly with his chest rising and falling quickly, “You could have just asked me.” He’s stalking closer, throwing his jacket aside before sliding onto the bed next to me. The rough pads of his fingers gripping my chin and drawing me up into a kiss I have been thinking of for a little over a year. It’s hot and needy but there’s a softness to it that has me wanting to never stop kissing him, the feeling of his tongue dipping into the seam of my lips drawing a mewl from me. I’m gasping when his featherlight fingers brush down my stomach and under my jeans to replace my hand that was there, a moan falling from his lips and forehead resting against mine, breath fanning my face as he groans, “Fuck, you all wet for me baby girl?” 

“Only you.” I croak out, nails digging into his shoulders as he leans over me, cognac eyes watching me as he circles two fingers over my clit, sparking a new type of pleasure from me that I could never give myself. Its the type of pleasure that has my thighs trembling almost immediately when his fingers push my panties to the side is he can gather some of my slick on his fingers before plunging one into my aching core. I’m whining, back arching off the bed at the intrusion and I think my eyes roll back into my head, “T-Tommy, fuck, this is my first-“ 

His digit stops moving, a frustrated sound leaving my lips and my hips rolling down to find some friction, eyes flying open to see his mouth dropped in shock and concern in his eyes as well as something so very possessive and it turns me on even more than I though possible. His voice is low and he sounds wrecked when he asks, “This is your first anything?” 

“Dreamt of it always being you.” My brain to mouth seems to break when his finger still inside my aching heat curls, hitting a stop that causes almost blinding pleasure. 

“Gonna make you feel so good baby girl,” His lips latch onto my neck, “Gonna show you everything you want, wanted you for a while now. Oh fuck, you’re so tight, just for me.” He’s panting, groaning more to himself than me as he works another finger in, curling them both before the uncomfortable stretch can be felt. His fingers are a lot thicker than mine and I’m tangling my hand in his addictive curls, yanking him into a dirty kiss when his thumb presses against my clit, “That’s it sweet girl, come for me.” That building pressure seems to snap into waves and I’m letting out the dirtiest sound ever, eyes rolling back into my head and hips jerking at the almost overwhelming amount of pleasure and stimulation rocking my body. Tommy keeps up his pace until I’m squirming away, the pleasure turning into uncomfortableness and pain, cognac eyes on mine when he brings his fingers to his mouth and sucking them clean. 

“Fuck Tommy.” I mewl, my hand cupping his cheek and feeling the soft freshly shaven stubble under my palm, smiling softly when he leans into my touch. 

“Did you mean it?” He suddenly asks, eyes open and full of fear for the answer and I’m nodding, drawing him down into a soft kiss, “You want me to take it all?” 

“Tommy,” I hold his face in both hands, pulling away from the kiss, “I have been head over heels in love with you for the last year a half.” My face heats up at the admittance, waiting for him to laugh or tease me but instead his pillowy lips press to each cheek, then my chin and my forehead before finally he’s pressing a chaste kiss to my parted lips. 

“I have been head over heels in love with you for two years.” He grins, a light blush gracing his sun kissed skin and freckles.

“We’re idiots.” 

“Yes we are” 

“That’s enough for today baby girl.” He comes, drawing me into his arms as I feel my eyes getting heavy, body thrumming with love and safety, “I’ll be right here when you wake up sweet girl.”

----------

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[daddy-dins-girl]

Framed Around My Heart

Masterlist

AO3 link

Fandom: The Last of Us (HBO Universe)

Pairing: (platonic) Joel & Ellie

Summary: “We could’ve saved the world!” She shouted at him, her emotions running on overdrive in a way she hadn’t felt since their actual first night in Jackson all those months ago when she’d accused him of not caring about her. “The whole world, Joel!”

He stood in front of her, voice low and steady with his simple yet definite reply, “I did” - a breath. “I saved my whole world”

OR,

The first time Joel tells Ellie he loves her.

Word Count: 9.3k

Warnings: Swearing (it's Ellie y'all). Angst. Hurt & Comfort. PTSD Ellie. Briefly mentioned past violence. Joel and Ellie both being bad at feelings. Soft!Dad Joel (consider your ovaries warned!).

Notes: Takes place right after Season 1 ends. Joel and Ellie are back in Jackson. Idk when Ellie's birthday is, so I made one up...

They had settled in Jackson for a week now. Gotten the lay of the land, chosen their own house just across the street from Maria and Tommy’s, and soon would be assigned their first work details. Ellie was more than disappointed to learn that she was apparently “not old enough” to go on patrol duty and after a huge outburst towards the council that ended with Joel all but dragging her out of the building as she yelled at them that they were “fascist fucks” who could all “go to hell”, she’d eventually managed to calm down, but that didn’t mean she had to agree with them. She’d hated the idea of Joel going out there without her, almost as much as she hated the idea of herself being stuck in here without him; no matter how safe it was behind the walls. They needed each other, she told herself. It’s how they’d survived as long as they had. Unfortunately for her, Joel was assigned exactly that - Patrol Duty. Ellie had been tasked with stable duty. Readying the horses for the riders to take out which meant typically getting up extra early in the mornings, but on the bright side she didn’t have to speak to anyone and she was pretty sure all the horses loved her hilarious jokes she told them, unlike a certain surly old man she cohabited with who clearly was absent the day they were handing out senses of humor.

At least, she thought absently, she didn’t have to go to school. Yet. It was near enough for summer break to start that Maria had felt there wasn’t much point in her enrolling for a couple of weeks just to have three months off immediately. ‘Thank fucking Christ, finally some good news’, Ellie had muttered in response, earning her a disapproving glare from Joel. ‘Right, my fucking manners, Jesus, sorry’, Ellie responded, which just resulted in Joel tossing his hands up in the air, exasperated and Maria folding her arms across her chest. ‘What? I said sorry! That’s like, the definition of manners, how am I the asshole?’

Yep, they were settling in just fine.

…

Ellie hated days Joel would go on patrols. They were too long and the house too quiet with him not in it. Being alone with just her own thoughts as company was never good, she had soon figured out. At first she tried to just sleep the day away when he would be gone but it seemed she wasn’t able to sleep without him anywhere more than a few metres away from her. When they’d first moved in they both tried to be normal fucking human beings and sleep in their own rooms and their own beds but not less than an hour after they’d said their goodnights on their first night in Jackson Ellie had roamed out of her room to seek out Joel ‘just need to make sure the old fucker didn’t croak in his sleep or something’ she had reasoned with herself, only to take one step outside of her room and nearly trip over Joels legs sprawled on the floor as he had apparently set himself up just outside her bedroom door, sitting on the floor with his back leaning against the wall.

“We’re pathetic” Ellie sighed, sliding down the wall to sidle up next to him, head instinctively leaning onto his shoulder.

“Totally” Joel had sighed in agreement.

Shortly afterwards they had fallen asleep just like that, sitting on the floor, limbs spread across the hallway, and Joel’s back cursed him for it the following morning.

The next night, and for nearly two weeks afterwards, they had set up camp in the living room instead; mattresses on the floor just a few feet apart, Joel always closest to the front door, just in case but also out of habit. Finally, and maybe after Tommy had wandered in early one morning and teased them endlessly about having “sleepovers” and whether or not they braided each others hair too, they had agreed to try sleeping in their own rooms and most nights it went off without incident. Other nights however, Ellie would wake up covered in a sheen of sweat and flailing her arms wildly only to open her eyes suddenly and see Joel looming above her, grabbing onto her arms to try and still her and speaking calmly to her, hushing her. Whispered “babygirl’s” and “I got you’s” and “it’s me, it’s ok, you’re ok’s” whispered into the harsh darkness of her bedroom, reminding her of where she was until he’d brought her back down to earth and she’d settle again. She hated those nights. Hated feeling helpless like that, and like she was a little kid that needed coddling after her bad dreams, but dammit all if she didn’t immediately allow Joel to wrap her up in his willing embrace each time, seeking comfort in the warmth he provided. She could feel embarrassed about it in the morning, that could be Tomorrow Ellie’s problem because in the moment, Joel’s comfort was everything she needed and she’d take everything he offered.

The dreams tended to all be more or less the same. Winter. Snow. Fire. Smoke. Blood. David’s face; or what was left of it after she’d bludgeoned it unrecognizable with a very large knife. On nights where the dreams decided to be particularly cruel, she’d lose her battle against David. Those were always the most jarring to wake from and took her an extra long time to be able to fall back asleep afterward, if she could at all. Thankfully her dreams didn’t always cause her to scream or throw a fit in her sleep so she didn’t always wake Joel. Sometimes she seemed to just suffer through them quietly with a few muffled whimpers and tosses and turns in the bedsheets and Joel was none the wiser until she’d come down for breakfast and he’d notice the darkness under her eyes and could tell she had a fitful sleep. Despite not always waking up thrashing from them, she always remembered her dreams the next morning; whether she wanted to or not.

However the dream she had last night was somewhat new territory. She’d had it a few times in the past, but after nearly 2 months in Jackson now it seems to be happening more and more frequently, almost more so than her David nightmares. It differed slightly, night to night, probably because she didn’t have factual evidence to pull from, but it was always the hospital in Salt Lake City. Fireflies, Raiders, Marlene, Joel, and a hell of a lot of bloodshed. Each time she’d wake up from this dream in particular her head felt fuzzy, unsure. She hated not knowing what actually happened that day, maybe she’d be able to process it better if she had (not that she was exactly processing the whole David fiasco, she argued to herself). Joel had left out a lot of details. “Raiders attacked the hospital, I barely got us out of there” and that was it. And any time she’d asked him about it since he’d immediately shot her down and sternly told her not to bring it up again. Did he not realize that only stoked her inquisitiveness further? Has he met her?

She’d had the dream again last night only Joel had been one of the Raiders in her dream this time, slaughtering everyone in his path and she awoke only when he reached her, lying helplessly strapped to a medical bed with Raider Joel holding a gun tight against her temple.

Paging Dr. Freud, anyone?

She didn’t know what the hell any of it meant, she only knew she had to get to the bottom of whatever had happened in that hospital.

And so that was what was currently on Ellie’s mind today as she sat in the small window seat of her bedroom, knees pulled up to her chest as her gaze was locked to the outside, watching the small but bustling community of Jackson on this hot August afternoon. The sun was still high in the sky which meant it would be hours before Joel returned from patrol duty. Which meant hours Ellie would be here alone, with only her own thoughts as company.

Like she said, she hated days Joel was on patrol.

A knock on the front door a few minutes later pulled Ellie from her reverie and she quickly scooted off the window seat and headed down the stairs to answer it.

Swinging the door open, confusion crossed Ellie’s features as her eyes landed on a woman she had scarcely recognized. It was an older woman, Mrs. - something or other, Ellie couldn’t be bothered to remember. Parker? Patterson? Definitely a P name. Ellie recognized her as one of the town council members that she had had that delightful meeting with just shortly after her and Joel’s arrival. Given by the less than impressive look this woman was giving her right now, she remembered it as well and must’ve drawn the short straw today to come here to… well, what exactly was she her for?

“Is it Joel?” Ellie blurt out suddenly, panic evident in her tone. “Did something happen, is he OK?”

The woman looked confused for a second and then suddenly let out a small laugh and waved her hand dismissively.

“Oh heavens no, nothing like that Dear, I’m sure everything’s fine. I’m here on official town business. For you, actually, Miss Ellie”

“Oh…” Ellie’s face scrunched up at that. Ellie didn’t have any official fucking business with anyone. Other than being an official pain in Joel’s ass.

“I understand you will be enrolling in school this Fall” the woman began in way of explanation and Ellie nodded slightly. Don’t fucking remind her.

“Well I have here your registration form you’ll need to fill out and have your…” she paused, looking a little helpless, as most adults did when they tried to discern just who exactly Ellie and Joel were to each other.

“Have Mr. Miller,” she settled on instead, “sign it and then you bring it along with you on your first day so we can file it away in your record. I know we are a few weeks away yet but I like to get these out early”

“Oh, um, ok I guess…” Ellie shrugged, reaching out and grabbing the single piece of paper.

“Just a little formality” the woman waved her hand again. “You know, we need your basic information and things like that, just so we have it on hand, should anything come up and we need it”

Ellie wondered briefly then why Maria hadn’t dropped it off, or even had Tommy do it if she was too chicken shit.

“Just making my rounds to all the new students today” the woman explained, as if she’d been reading Ellie’s mind.

“Right” Ellie nodded. “Well uh… thanks, for the homework before school even fucking starts” she mumbled the last part under her breath but given by the tiny gasp and look of horror that flashed across the woman in front of her, Ellie’s certain she heard her.

“Alllllllrighty then. Take care then, bye bye now” Ellie quipped, slamming the door in the woman’s face. Something she’d seen recently in a movie that Joel had shown her that had her in a total fit of giggles for the entire night.

Ellie wandered back into the house and dropped the piece of paper to the coffee table before flopping herself down onto the sofa. She bent over the table to have a look at what information she’d need to be giving out before she decided whether she’d bother trying to find a pen to fill it out now or if she’d push it off to later.

Name. Ok, easy. Date of Birth. Well, she’d had a general idea. Would writing just the month and year suffice, she wondered absently. Known Allergies. The thought of writing “learning, via fascist institutions” crossed her mind and she laughed a little to herself but then remembered Joel had to sign off on it so she better not. Dude could be such a killjoy. Next? Parent(s) and/or Guardian. Pass? Joel, she’d guess was technically her Guardian? Whatever that meant. Why wasn’t there just a spot for “other human being reluctantly tasked, due to unfortunate fucking happenstance, with keeping you alive” Emergency Contact (other than above) + Relationship. Also pass. The only other person in this godforsaken town she even liked speaking to besides Joel was in fact not a person, but a horse named Shimmer. And she didn’t think quadrupeds counted for emergency contacts.The whole notion of Ellie being in an actual emergency and some townsperson running to the stables to tell Shimmer all about did give her a bit of a chuckle though. She made a mental note to jot that down in her notebook, maybe make it into her own little comic series.

Finally at the bottom, a signature line for “Parent and/or Guardian”. There it was again, taunting her, laughing at her.

In the end Ellie decided that no, today was not the day she would fill any of this out. She couldn’t answer half of it anyway, so what was the point. Stupid school. Even shitty FEDRA school knew not to ask orphans stupid fucking questions like this. Ellie folded up the paper into a small square and shoved it into the front zipper pocket of her backpack that was leaning next to the couch. Another problem for another day. Or hell she’d probably just throw it at Joel and tell him that the annoying old lady (who is somehow even more of a dinosaur than Joel and still alive) said it was his job to do it. Yeah, that might work.

With a heavy sigh Ellie laid back onto the couch cushions, arm coming to rest over her face as she tried to shut out the sunlight pouring in through the open windows. Maybe if she was bored enough she’d fall asleep and then Joel would be home.

…

Another two weeks had come and gone and Ellie’s Salt Lake City dream variation had now been haunting her almost nightly, completely replacing her usual David nightmares. Just two nights ago it had been traumatizing enough to rouse Joel from his sleep and he had come into her room as he always had when her screams woke him only this time, when she had become alert enough to notice his presence, she had shoved him off her damn near hard enough he almost fell off the bed.

“Ellie!” He had gasped at the surprise. “It’s me, it’s-”

“I know!” she scowled in response, shoving at his shoulder when he tried once again to reach out to comfort her.

“Ellie” he sighed, keeping his distance this time, but holding his hands out in front of him as if he was approaching some scared wild animal he was trying to coax into calmness.

“I’m not,” Ellie began and huffed, unsure what she wanted to say, she just knew she didn’t want his comfort. Not this time.

“I’m not a baby Joel! I don’t need you to come running in here every time I have a stupid bad dream. I’m 15 years old, not 6!”

Joel flinched, as if her words physically harmed him. She saw the look of hurt flash across his face before he swallowed hard, dropped his arms and gave her a short nod before pushing himself up from her bed and seeing himself out of her bedroom. Part of her wanted to chase him out of her room, tell him how sorry she was and fall into his arms and forget the exchange ever happened, but a larger part of her knew she couldn’t do that. Joel’s been lying to her. She isn’t stupid. She knows he isn’t telling her the whole truth (if he’s even telling her any truth at all) and it’s because of him that she’s having these nightmares in the first place. So no, he didn’t get to cause the nightmares and then run in and play hero for it. Not if she ever wanted to get to the bottom of what really happened.

Luckily the two days following that incident Joel had been on patrol so she hadn’t seen much of him. They’d have dinner together but it was mostly in silence. Joel would ask about her day and she would mumble a “fine” as she pushed her food around her plate and then she’d fake being tired and go to bed shortly afterwards, foregoing their usual movie or board games they’d do after dinner.

~~~

Joel remained seated at the dining room table long after Ellie had pretended to be tired and gone off to bed. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew her well enough to know when she was tired or when she was flat out avoiding him on purpose and this was certainly the latter. She’d been like this for days now and it was really starting to get to him. He didn’t know what had happened to cause it either. Sure she got moody with him sometimes, as all teenagers did around their parents or even authority figures, but she’d never been like this or for this long without at least a hint of what troubled her.

He thought back to just two nights ago when he’d woken up to her screaming and thrashing in her bed. That in and of itself was not unusual for her, but the way she reacted towards him was completely out of left field. She had shoved him off of her as if he were the bad guy, the one haunting her dreams, when all he wanted to do was hold her until her trembling subsided, the way he always had.

“I’m 15 years old, not 6!” The words she spat at him still plagued his mind. His heart nearly broke at that. Not at the fact that she didn’t always need him coddling her, he knew the day would come where she didn’t and he would be so glad for her (even if it did hurt his heart just a little to not be needed like that anymore as she got older) but the part that killed him is when she told him she was 15. 15! When had he missed that? When they’d met she had been 14, and if he wasn’t such an idiot he would’ve done the math and figured logically that hey, nearly a year has past since we met, shouldn’t you have had a birthday by now? But it didn’t cross his mind all the time they’d been together so he never thought to ask. But to hear her just gloss over the fact that she was an entire year older and he’d never acknowledged it or even knew about it, damn near broke him. Sure, FEDRA probably didn’t exactly throw you a party and invite all your classmates and bake you a damn cake but surely her birthday must have meant something to her, hadnt it? Enough that she would at least want Joel to acknowledge it. “Hey asshole it’s my birthday so you have to laugh at all my jokes today” or something similar at least.

One thing for sure, no matter what the hell was going on with Ellie right now, was that he owed her a damn birthday present.

...

The next day Joel had the day off from patrol, but Joel being Joel couldn’t just sit around his comfortable house all day and do next to nothing so he decided he’d be productive. Ellie had gone off to her morning shift at the stables anyway (and even if she hadn’t he had a good feeling she wouldn’t want to hang out with him regardless, if the last couple of days had been any indication) so he figured today was as good a time as any to get started on a project he’d been meaning to for the past month. So that’s how he found himself standing in the middle of his garage on this hot August morning.

He stood in the middle of the concrete floor scratching the back of his head, not entirely sure where to begin… The place had apparently, before he and Ellie moved into the main house, been a dumping ground for anything and everything that the residents of Jackson no longer had space for. There were broken appliances, boxes piled to the ceiling in some places, furniture, some lumber, and probably a hell of a lot more that Joel had yet to uncover. His first order of business had to be sorting through everything to see what would be kept and what could be tossed. See if he could make heads or tails of what was wrong with anything broken and if he could fix it, and for anything else it was a matter of whether anybody could make any use of it and if not, he’d get rid of it.

A while back he'd had the idea that maybe he could turn it into a decent hangout spot for Ellie, somewhere she could have her own space, have her friends over, that kind of thing. He remembered himself as a teenager taking over the family garage to practice with his band and he and his friends had spent every damn day for the better part of 3 summers in it, creating some of the best memories of his life. He wanted Ellie to have that too. Maybe, he thought inwardly, he could fix it up and surprise her with it. Try and have it ready to give her for her 16th birthday, whenever the hell that was.

He still had to get to the bottom of that, but first he had to get Ellie to even speak more than three words at a time to him; something which she hadn’t seemed to be able to do as of late. He had no idea what was going on in that girl's head these days, but he needed to figure it out. He would talk to her. Today, he told himself.

Joel kept busy for the next couple of hours. He’d started with sorting through the dozens of boxes, finding much more trash than treasure, just as he had figured he would. It was scorching outside and he was hot and covered in sweat but told himself he’d at least finish sorting through the boxes before he took a break so when he looked down to see the last box that required sorting he murmured a quiet ‘thank god’ as he wiped the sweat from his brow with the back of his arm and then bent down to pick up the final box. Pulling the box out of the corner Joel noticed a small dark blue duffle bag that looked out of place shoved in behind where he pulled the box from. It wasn’t covered in a thick layer of dust like everything else in the room had been, and moreover, he’d noticed it because it was a bag he had brought home from a patrol a month or so ago. Back then it was full of movies, art supplies and a few other things he had found out on the road that he thought Ellie might like so he’d brought it home for her and given it to her that night.

“What the hell?” Joel wondered aloud, placing the box back on the ground and reaching instead for the duffle. He had seen her using the things he had brought home in the bag before so he was certain she hadn’t just taken the bag from him and tossed it in the back of the garage. Whatever was in the bag it seemed like she had been hiding it, and he’d silently hoped that whatever he found inside might give him some insight into just what the hell was going on with her these days.

~~~

It was late afternoon when Ellie finally decided to call it a day. Her shift at the stable was normally only 3 hours but today she knew Joel was at home and she was nothing if not a professional avoider these days so she decided to stay late and do an extra thorough cleaning of the stables and the horses. She stayed out there until the sun, high in the sky, became too sweltering for her to stand. Her clothes clung to her body from all the sweat and she was in desperate need of a shower. If she could draw that out long enough when she got home it wouldn’t be much longer until dinner and maybe she’d convince Joel to go to the mess hall tonight rather than dinner at home so they could at least have other people to look at while they both pretended she wasn’t completely ignoring him.

Yes, a perfect plan.

Her perfect plan however fizzled abruptly when she walked into their home only to find Joel standing in the middle of the kitchen, arms folded across his chest with an empty blue duffel bag hanging over a dining chair; its contents spilled all over their eating table.

Shit.

“I need to shower” Ellie said, hoping to ignore him and turning towards the stairs.

“Ellie Williams you get back here this instant” Joel demanded, his tone leaving zero room for argument and Ellie groaned, turning back towards the kitchen. She stopped a few feet in front of him, let out a heavy sigh and let her arms drop to her sides.

“What?” she huffed in annoyance.

“You know damn well what. Sit your ass down, we’re having a conversation” Joel snapped, pointing towards one of the dining room chairs and Ellie rolled her eyes but obeyed him, shuffling past to plop down on the furthest chair and folding her arms defensively.

“Now you wanna explain to me just what in the hell all this is?” Joel asked, arm sweeping above the table top that was littered with canned foods, her knife that Maria had confiscated months ago (“not until you’re 16 Ellie” - bullshit), a handgun (this one she had managed to steal from Tommy, she was actually quite proud of when she pulled that one off), a box of ammo (Joel’s) and a road atlas of the United States.

“Well if I gotta explain fucking canned beans to you maybe you should be starting school next week instead of me” she huffed.

Judging by the vein in Joel’s neck that looked like it was about to explode through his skin, maybe not her wisest move.

“Don’t get smart with me Ellie” Joel threatened, pointing a finger at her. “Just what in the hell you were doing with a damn ‘go bag’, huh? You plan on runnin’ away or somthin’?”

“No” she offered weakly, looking away, anywhere but at Joel. She knew he’d never physically harm her, but he had never been this pissed with her before either and she did not like it.

Joel heaved a heavy sigh. He knew he had to reign in his anger but damnit if she didn’t make it difficult on him.

“Well then what the hell were you doing kiddo” Joel said softly, a sigh escaping his lips as his hands fell to his sides. Yes he was angry but he wanted a real conversation. He squatted down next to her so they were at eye level.

“I need to know what’s going on up here” he said, lightly tapping his index finger against her head before she batted it away.

“Will you talk to me please?” he asked gently. He wasn’t above begging at this point.

“You promised” she mumbled under her breath, head still facing away from him and staring at the blank wall instead.

“What?”

She turned towards him then, rolling her eyes. “You promised. I asked you if everything you said about the Fireflies was true and you promised it was. Tell me you didn’t fucking lie to me Joel” she seethed through gritted teeth and Joel closed his eyes for a brief moment, taking a breath.

“This again, with the Fireflies? Ellie I -” he began but she was quick to cut him off.

“Last chance Joel. Last chance to tell me the fucking truth because if you lie to me again, I’m done. We’re done” Her words came out sharply and she saw Joel’s face flinch at her threat. She meant it too, she couldn’t live with someone who was lying to her about the single most important thing in her life. She wouldn’t live like that.

“I’ll fucking leave Joel, I will. I’ll do it when you’re out on patrol or fucking sleeping and you won’t be able to stop me. I’ll go to Salt Lake City myself and I will find out what happened, one way or another. And if I find out on my own that you lied to me, you’ll never see me again”

“Is that what the bag is for? Fucking road trip to Salt Lake City by yourself? Tryna' get yourself killed? Jesus, Ellie” Joel hung his head. He knew she’d do it too, and that thought absolutely terrified him. It scared him far more than whatever her reaction may be if he were to tell her the truth right now. Her running off like that, alone, and never seeing her again? Nope, no way. She could hate him for the rest of her life before he’d ever let that happen.

“Okay” he sighed with defeat, putting his hands up in surrender. Time to bite the bullet.

Joel stood up from his crouched position, his joints protesting when he did, and took a seat in the chair next to hers, folding his arms on the table.

“From the beginning” Ellie demanded.

“When I… came to, you know, in the hospital, Marlene was there” he began into the story he’d been dreading to tell her for months, unable to look her in the eyes, though he could feel her gaze boring into him from across the table. He wasn't sure how exactly he was supposed to tell her this. It would crush her, he knows. And how could he possibly make her understand? How does he tell her he'd burn the entire world down for her if it meant keeping her safe and have her not hate him for it? He'd failed Sarah. He'd failed Tess. He couldn't fail her, too. He wouldn't survive it, not again. Could she even grasp how he felt about her? Sure he wasn't exactly Mr. 'lets talk about our feelings' and neither was she, but he needed her to understand the simple fact that well, she was everything to him.

“God Damnit Ellie they were going to kill you!” he shouted, finally turning his head to look at her. “That’s the bottom line of it all, ok? They were gonna poke around in your fucking brain like a god damn game of Operation so they could remove the cordyceps and you’d be fucking dead”

Ok, maybe not exactly giving her the warm and fuzzies right now. He'd never been great with his words.

“No,” Ellie shook her head as tears began to well in her eyes. “That’s - that’s not true, you’re - you’re fucking lying!” she shoved hard at his shoulder but he barely moved.

“Ellie” he said her name softly now and looked into her eyes. “I’m sorry baby, but it’s the truth. Marlene told me everything. She said that -” he sniffled quietly and wiped at his own wet eyes quickly with the back of his hand. “She said that they didn’t tell you so you wouldn’t be scared that you wouldn’t feel any pain and… they wouldn’t take me to you. Wouldn’t let me see you”. Fresh tears were streaming down Ellie’s face now that she frantically tried to wipe away with her shirt sleeve as she listened to Joel tell his side of the story.

He told her everything, even told her about his standoff with Marlene in the underground parking lot and how that ended and Ellie just listened silently, taking it all in.

“So you just... Killed everyone” Ellie summarized for him and Joel hung his head.

“Ellie” another sigh. “They had no evidence that their hare-brained scheme was going to work. They had no conclusive tests done and they wanted to murder their only test subject! Now I thought I was bringing you there to draw some blood or something, not cut your goddamn brain out of your head. Who knows if this hack Doctor even knew what he was doing!” Joel was getting revved up again but he couldn’t help himself, the anger he’d felt that day still bubbling at the surface all these months later.

“Could’ve been a goddamn Chiropractor for all we know, out there tryna play brain surgeon with my kids fucking head? Mnmm mmm” he shook his head and Ellie tried to ignore the fact that he’d just referred to her as his kid. “Not on my broken fucking watch, kiddo” he tapped his watch for emphasis as he stared directly into her eyes.

Her heart didn't allow her to ignore a comment like that and she'd felt it tighten in her chest, like all the air had suddenly been sucked out of the room and she could barely breathe. Ellie wasn’t sure if she wanted to crumble to the floor in tears or hit him as hard as she could.

She opted for neither and pushed herself back abruptly from the table and stood up and Joel followed suit, ready to grab for her if she had chosen this moment to make a run for it. They both stood still in a standoff, Joel could tell by the way her shoulders trembled that she was upset. He’d let her say what she had to say.

“We could’ve saved the world!” She shouted at him, her emotions running on overdrive in a way she hadn’t felt since their actual first night in Jackson all those months ago when she’d accused him of not caring about her. “The whole world, Joel!”

He stood in front of her, voice low and steady with his simple yet definite reply, “I did” - a breath. “I saved my whole world”

The words hung in the air between them, the silence growing heavily around them until finally Joel spoke again.

“I love you, Ellie” he admitted softly, looking straight at her as she lowered her head and twiddled her fingers nervously. He wondered absently if that was the first time she’d ever heard those words and his heart felt heavy in his chest at the thought.

“And truth be told, I don't care if that Doctor was the best brain surgeon on the damn planet and a cure was all but guaranteed, it wouldn't have changed my mind because I didn't have a choice. And I know you don't understand that right now and I don't expect you to. But I am sorry that I lied to you, ok? I am not, however, sorry for what I did and I will never be sorry for that.” he explained and she stayed still and silent in front of him so he continued. “Even if it means you hate me for the rest of my life, well… at least it means you’ll live to see it and I can never be sorry about that, not ever”

“I know you think this cure was your purpose Ellie but what if…” He stopped to shake his head before placing his hands on his hips and taking a breath. “What if you were my purpose?” He asked, unshed tears in his eyes as Ellie finally lifted her head to meet his gaze.

She let out a breath, trying to collect her thoughts before she responded but didn’t get a chance before the distinct crackling static of a walkie talkie coming to life grabbed both their attention.

“Joel, Ellie!” It was Tommy’s voice on the other end and he sounded frantic. Both Joel and Ellie were staring at the small black 2-way radio that was sitting on the kitchen counter. Joel made a move to grab for it before Tommy’s voice filled their small space again. “It’s Maria she -” his voice cut out as they heard Maria scream Tommy’s name from a distance away. “Oh shoot, I gotta go, we’re at the clinic!”

“Tommy!” Joel was yelling for his brother into the radio but getting no response. “Tommy! Tom- Damnit!” Joel huffed, slamming the radio back down on the counter. Leave it to his brother to call him with an apparent emergency, not tell him what the emergency was, and then go literal radio-silence on him.

“Let’s go” was all Joel said to Ellie and they were both running for the door.

The pair headed out into the street and made the short jog across town to where the clinic was housed. It was a two-storied brick building, one of the larger ones in town and one that thankfully by some miracle, Joel or Ellie had never had to visit before.

“Tommy?” Joel called out the moment they crossed the threshold inside, looking around but not seeing his brother - or anyone for that matter - in sight.

Suddenly they heard a bloodcurdling scream from Maria and both Ellie and Joel shared a quick glance before they both took off running up the stairs where the noise had come from.

They’d made it nearly all the way up the staircase when a second noise rang out through the house and this one stopped Joel dead in his tracks. He gripped the railing so he didn’t fall down the damn stairs as the distinct and familiar first cries of a newborn infant flooded the space.

“Holy shit!” Ellie whispered excitedly, also having come to a dead halt on the stairs when she’d heard the cry.

Joel took a minute to collect himself, holding the staircase railing in a death grip as he tried to get his breathing under control. That sound took him right back to the best day of his life, nearly 35 years ago when his little Sarah had taken her first breaths in this world and had changed his entire life in an instant. Hearing Tommy’s little one’s lungs working at full capacity would likely be the second best sound he’s ever heard in his life, Joel thinks.

“C’mon, lets go see!” Ellie said to him as she practically bounced up the rest of the stairs, eager to meet the latest Miller clan member.

“Ellie” Joel snapped out of his momentary daze to call out to her and she stopped just outside the closed door at the top of the stairs.

“Just, wait now” he told her as he climbed the rest of the stairs. Ellie obeyed, bouncing on the balls of her feet in anticipation. He didn’t want to barge in on whatever state Maria might be in right now; childbirth wasn’t exactly something you wanted a big audience for, so they waited outside the door for a couple minutes until everything started to quiet and finally the door opened as a woman that Joel recognized as the town doctor came out.

“Oh, looks like we have visitors!” The doctor said to Joel and Ellie but loud enough that Tommy and Maria could hear her. She pushed the door open wider so that Tommy and Maria could see who it was and Tommy waved them inside.

“S’ok Doc, they're family” Tommy smiled widely.

Ellie froze for a quick moment, glancing between Maria and Tommy and back to Joel but Joel just put a hand on her back and led her inside, apparently she was the only one overthinking the whole “family” comment. She stared at the scene before her, Maria lying in a bed under some blankets with a small bundle in her arms wrapped in a crisp white towel and Tommy hovering over her with possibly the biggest smile Ellie’s ever seen from anyone before, one hand brushing the top of Maria’s hair while the other laid protectively against one of her arms that held the baby.

“It’s a girl” Tommy announced to no one in particular, not able to tear his gaze away from his newborn daughter. “Name’s Rose,” he continued. “Rose Sarah Miller”

Ellie chanced a quick glance at Joel for that. Tommy seemed up in the clouds somewhere and just tossed Sarah’s name out there as if it might not swallow Joel up whole but Ellie, with two feet firmly on the floor and not in the sky, needed to make sure he was ok. To her surprise, a smile that nearly matched Tommy’s crossed Joel’s features and fresh tears came to his eyes.

Ellie let out a breath of relief.

“She’s beautiful, Tommy” Joel said sincerely and Ellie had never seen him look so happy before. It made her feel warm.

“Congratulations to you both” Joel said and both parents finally tore their gaze away from Rose long enough to acknowledge them.

“Ellie,” Maria piped up a moment later. “Would you like to hold her?”

Ellie stared wide-eyed for a few long seconds before she finally looked over to Joel, silently asking for permission.

“Well, go on” Joel nodded towards the bed and nudged her shoulder with his.

Ellie smiled brightly and quickly crossed the room to where a large armchair sat next to Maria, the opposite side that Tommy was occupying.

“Do I just sit?” Ellie asked, she wasn’t sure what the protocol was, literally never having held a newborn before.

“Yeah, sit there, hold your arms out and I’ll pass her to you. Just always one hand under her head ok?” She instructed and Ellie nodded her head before sliding her backpack off her shoulders and dropping it to the ground.

“Rose, this is your cousin, Ellie” Maria spoke softly as she passed the small warm bundle of life over. Ellie quickly glanced up to Joel, eyes widened with pure joy at Maria’s words. She’d never been a cousin to anyone before. Hell, she’d never been anything to anyone before. Not really. And suddenly here she was, apparently now part of a family of 5.

Ellie was sure to have one hand under Rose’s head and the other arm cradled her against her chest as she held the tiny gurgling baby in her arms, mesmerized by her instantly. She now understood how Tommy couldn't’ tear his gaze away from her either.

“So fucking cool” Ellie whispered, playing with the tiny pink fingers that were reaching for her hand.

“Sorry” Ellie immediately admitted sheepishly. Maria didn’t like her cursing under normal circumstances, let alone when a newborn baby was in her arms.

Maria shot her a look but her mouth curled up into a small smile. “I’ll let it slide since you’re excited, but let me tell you if my baby’s first word is a curse, you are losing your babysitting privileges Missy”

“I’ll watch my mouth around her, I swear” Ellie assured her frantically before focusing back on Rose.

“Hard to believe you were ever once that small huh Ellie?” Tommy said with a laugh as Ellie stared down at baby Rose in complete wonder.

“Or that quiet” Joel added without missing a beat and Ellie rolled her eyes at him playfully.

“Don’t listen to him little Rose” Ellie cooed to the infant. “You and me are gonna be best buddies and we’ll gang up on your mean old Uncle Joel”

“Oh great so there’ll be two pains in my butt, can’t wait for that” Joel deadpanned before he crossed the room over to Ellie and held his hands out.

“Let me see that niece of mine anyway, you’re hoggin’ all the new baby smell”

Ellie grinned widely at how playful Joel was being and decided it looked really good on him. It reminded her of the first time she made him laugh, like really made him laugh. The night right before they met Henry and Sam when she had told him a stupid joke that left them both in tears from laughing so hard.

Joel completely relaxed when Rose got into his arms and he rocked and bounced her gently in his embrace. He looked completely in his element even though Ellie figured it has probably been decades since he last held a baby. He was smiling down at her and letting her small chubby hands grasp his finger and Ellie just watched in amazement. Babies had some sort of magical power or spell it seemed, she thought absently. These hardened fighters, killers, even, now all sat in this room as four big piles of melted goo for this tiny little human wrapped up in a bath towel.

They stayed for another hour or so, Ellie manipulating Joel into letting her have Rose again until the Doctor came back into the room, gently reminding Joel and Ellie that Maria needed her rest. Ellie groaned in disappointment but understood and passed the baby to Tommy after planting the gentlest kiss to the tip of her tiny nose.

“Now you let us know if you need anything” Joel said, his hands landing on Maria’s shoulders and she smiled up at him.

“We will, don’t worry”

“Come on kiddo, we better get home” Joel sighed, placing a hand to the back of Ellie’s neck and steering her towards the door. “These two are gonna need their rest, trust me”

They all said their goodnights and Joel and Ellie headed back down the stairs and out the front door.

“How fucking cool was that!” Ellie yelled up to the now darkened sky the moment they were outside. “A fucking baby?!”

“Hey what happened to watching your mouth?” Joel asked, but his tone was playful.

“I said around the baby, she can’t hear me now” Ellie said with a flippant wave of her hand towards the clinic.

Joel just hummed in agreement. He should’ve known better anyway.

They were nearly all the way home when Ellie stopped and slapped a hand to her forehead.

“Oh shit”

“What?” Joel asked, turning towards her.

“I forgot my backpack, I put it down when I was holding Rose”

Joel looked between Ellie and the clinic. They were more than halfway home already, not that it was very far, but it was late and Maria was supposed to be getting some rest.

“I’ll be quick, and quiet, I swear, in and out!” Ellie said briskly, likely already knowing what he was going to say and Joel sighed but nodded his head.

“Hurry up then” he gestured toward the clinic. “I’ll meet you at home”

Ellie ran off towards the clinic, not waiting for Joel to change his mind. When she got inside she slowly walked up the stairs, not wanting to make too much noise in case anyone was actually asleep. When she reached the top of the stairs and the door to Maria’s room it was partially open, she poked her head inside first to look.

Maria looked fast asleep but Tommy was slowly pacing the room with a slightly fussing baby Rose held in his arms as he looked down at her and talked softly, rocking her gently as he spoke.

“It’s okay babygirl, Daddy’s got you” he whispered into the stillness of the room. “I got you and I ain’t gonna let anybody ever hurt you, you hear me babygirl? I’ll keep you safe, always, I promise”

Tears welled up in Ellie’s eyes as she watched the two of them. She thought about Joel and Sarah. She had thought about them a lot tonight, and she wondered if Joel did too. Then she thought about how Joel had wrapped her in his arms after David and had all but said the same things that Tommy was telling his daughter now. She could hear the love in the way Tommy spoke to Rose and it hit her like a ton of bricks that it was no different than how Joel had spoken to her too.

Not wanting to dwell on that too much longer; or stand in the doorway prying on a private moment between father and daughter either, Ellie quickly swept away the tears at her eyes and gently rapped her knuckle against the wood door and peeked her head all the way inside once she had Tommy’s attention.

“Sorry I um, forgot my bag” she said sheepishly, nodding her head towards her backpack that lay on the ground resting up against the armchair.

“Oh, go ahead” Tommy whispered so as to not wake Maria. Ellie quickly crossed the room and grabbed her bag before quickly making her exit. Offering a quick wave over her shoulder as she left the room. She probably could’ve left it for tomorrow, but there was something important inside of it she decided she needed tonight.

Closing the door quietly behind her when she entered her home she was unsurprised to find Joel still awake and waiting for her. He was in the kitchen, gathering up all the items from the table and stuffing them back into the duffel bag. Ellie watched from the threshold, fidgeting with her fingers.

“We still needin’ this?” Joel asked directly, looking right at Ellie. The magical baby spell apparently over and reality settling back in around them.

“No” Ellie answered quietly, just looking at the floor.

“Good, put it away then” Joel replied, holding the bag out towards her. She nodded once and took the bag, grabbing the cans out one by one and putting them away in the cupboard. Her knife she’d slid into the side pocket of her backpack and she saw Joel’s eyes follow it but he said nothing; she figured he probably actually preferred her being armed anyway, for her own safety. She handed Joel the box of ammunition and left the gun in the bag, placing it down on the kitchen chair and shrugging at Joel.

“Tommy’s. I’ll… give it back to him tomorrow”

“Ok” was all Joel responded with and a silence fell over the room for several minutes.

“Look, Ellie” Joel began eventually, leaning against the doorframe of the kitchen. He looked tired. “I think I… Well, I said pretty much everything I needed to say, you know, earlier”

“I know” Ellie nodded, her voice quiet. She had a lot to digest, emotionally, after everything tonight.

“Are you… ok?” are we ok, she knows is what he means but doesn’t ask.

“Yeah” she says, and it’s the truth. She still hates that Joel lied to her, repeatedly, but after tonight, well, she can admit she understands why he did what he did.

“You keep going for family” Joel’s words from nearly a year ago ring in her head. She didn’t get it then, but she does now. She just met Rose an hour ago and she knows already she’d take a bullet for her if it came to it. Do anything to keep her safe, her little baby cousin, her family. Seeing Tommy with Rose made her think of how gutted Joel must have been when he’d lost Sarah and how of course he would do anything to prevent ever having to live through that again.

“My whole world.” She closes her eyes, remembering the pain on his face at the confession.

“Well, it’s late” Joel says matter of factly and it snaps her out of her reverie.

“Yeah, right” Ellie nods, hands still clasped in front of her and gaze still permanently fixed to the floor. She turns then and heads up the stairs towards her bedroom.

“Hey, Ellie” his voice stops her in her tracks and she turns, finally looking him in the eyes as he stands at the bottom of the stairs.

“When’s your birthday?” he asks, folding his arms over his chest and she puffs out a laugh. She wasn’t expecting that.

“Um… like April? Sometime… I don’t know what day exactly. When’s yours?”

“September 26th”

“Oh cool, so like exactly one month difference from Rose” she smiles, genuinely thinking it's pretty awesome that they were both born on the 26th day of the month. “Well, one month and like a thousand years or whatever” she finishes her thought, not able to help herself and Joel rolls his eyes.

“Ha ha” Joel deadpans. “‘Be nice to me now, or I’m not gonna get ya a belated birthday present”

“You’re gonna get me a present?” Ellie’s eyes lit up at that.

“I’ll think a’somthin’” Joel nodded. “In the meantime you think on it and pick a day in April so we can celebrate properly next year”

“Turning soft on me old man?”

“Guilty as charged I guess” Joel just shrugged and Ellie smirked.

“Goodnight Joel” she said and he nodded.

“G’night Ellie”

Before she could talk herself out of it Ellie quickly padded down the stairs and threw her arms around Joel’s waist in a hug, nearly knocking him over in surprise she thinks by the way he partially stumbled backwards before wrapping his arms around her too. He kisses the top of her head and then she lets go, turning around and scurrying up the stairs to go to bed.

She sleeps through the night that night, for the first time in months.

~~~

Joel slowly makes his way down the stairs the next morning, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he heads towards the kitchen to make some coffee. It’s early but he had heard Ellie go out the door for her shift at the stables and it woke him up. Not that he minded, he liked to be up early, even on his days off from patrol. Besides, he had a garage to fix up, he owed Ellie that birthday present, after all.

Wandering into the kitchen Joel prepared his coffee and went to bring the steaming mug to his lips but stopped when he noticed something on the table when he’d turned around. There was a piece of paper lying there with a smaller piece of paper placed on top of it. He picked up the smaller piece and read the note that was scribbled in Ellie’s familiar uppercase handwriting.

OLD MAN -

That dinosaur of a lady on the council with the stick up her butt said I had to fill out this form and that you need to sign it. Fascism wins again. Heheheheh just kidding, kind of. See you tonight. Chef Boyardee?

Love, Ellie.

Joel stared at the note, particularly the last two words and a smile reached his eyes. He folded it neatly and put it in his pocket to put it in a safe place later so he could hang on to it. If he’d had a picture frame he’d probably damn well frame it. Jesus, he had gone soft.

Next he picked up the form underneath and glanced over the information Ellie had given.

Name. Ellie Williams-Miller. Joel’s heart caught in his throat but he swallowed it down and kept reading. Date of Birth. April 26th, 2009. He smiled. She’d chosen the same day that his and Rose’s birthdays had fallen on. Cute kid. Known Allergies. None. Joel commended her for not writing in a joke about being allergic to learning or something equally ridiculous. Parent(s) and/or Guardian. Joel Miller. She had circled over 'parent'. There went his heart flip flopping in his chest again. Pull it together old man. Emergency Contact (other than above) + Relationship. Tommy Miller (Uncle). He’d bet Tommy couldn’t wait to be addressed as an Uncle again. He briefly wondered if Ellie would ever call him Uncle Tommy. Maybe he’d let her know that Tommy might like that and let her decide if she wants to.

The last line was for parent/guardian signature and Joel quickly scribbled his name down and then stared at the form again until his coffee had surely gone cold.

Ok, Maybe he needed two picture frames.

[katsheadinclouds]

chapter 10

Joel Miller x gn!/f! reader

series masterlist  -  chapter 9

summary: Joel and Ellie go on a horseback ride outside of town and they finally end up talking about what happened at the hospital.

rating: mature

chapter warnings: angst, anxiety, insecurity, fighting, mention of masturbation, drinking, no use of y/n.

word count: 10.1k

dividers by cafekitsune

”Ellie?” Joel hollers from downstairs. He’s pulling his boots on, his backpack packed with their lunches and water, his revolver tucked into the back of his jeans and Tommy’s hunting rifle is leaning against the wall. She went up into her room after breakfast to get her stuff but it’s taking her longer than he expected.

“Yeah yeah!” He hears her answer, the annoyed tone loud and clear. She trudges down the stairs and doesn’t look at him when she passes him. He lets her go out first and stays to lock the door. She’s already walking down the street when he jogs to catch up with her.

“Hey, slow down. Wait for me,” he huffs when he reaches her and matches their steps together.

“What? I’m right here?” She sounds like she doesn’t want to be here at all. She sounds like this is a chore and she’s coming along just because Joel asked her to.

He told her about the plan last week. He has been building up courage to ask her if she’d still want to learn how to play the guitar. When he finally asked her, she was quiet for a long moment. He didn’t know if she was trying to decide if she really wants to learn or if she was trying to come up with an excuse to say no. He’s still not sure if she’s really interested to learn, but here they are.

He promised to take care of everything and even asked to go on patrol with Jade to a nearby town where he once saw an old music store. They cleared the place just a few days ago and made sure to check that it was safe. Ellie just had to say yes. She did, eventually.

He told her she’d be riding her own horse when they go out. It’s a good chance for her to practice out in the real world and not just at the stables. So he got that covered, asked Dan to put their names on the list and made sure she’s getting Willow. He remembers the horse being docile and easy to handle, the right one for her at this moment when she’s still not completely confident on a horse.

He checked the map to find a nice scenic route for them to follow to the town and even got her some honey taffy Maria had made a few weeks ago. He’s not that into candies, so he was saving the sweets for Ellie.

He still hasn’t been able to play guitar in front of her though. The first time that he picked the instrument up again is still fresh in his memory. The skin prickling rush of memories and mix of emotions overwhelming him in ways that he didn’t expect.

However, he has been practicing and he thinks he’s finally getting to a place where he can play without it being a paralyzing reminder of his old life and what he lost. It has also helped that Ellie has been spending more and more time with her friends either in her garage or visiting one of them, letting him have the house for himself.

There are times when her absence has been more like a way for her to avoid being around him, but he has seen how she has grown up since they got to Jackson. She needs her space. She’s being a teenager. That’s what he’s telling himself at least. And he’ll gladly give her that space as much as she wants. She still has dinner with him and they have their movie nights once a week, even if she doesn’t really talk with him about anything. But he thinks it’s just part of her coming into herself and finding her own boundaries. This is a stressful time for her, with her school ending soon and she has to make decisions about her future even when she has already decided to be a patroller.

Many times he has wondered if Sarah would’ve been like her, demanding her own time and made it clear when she wouldn’t have wanted to be around him. Probably. She was independent. But Ellie is even more independent, what with her garage and tightknit friend group who she seems to spend most of her time with.

The trip to the music store was Tommy’s idea after he saw how Ellie almost ran out of their Sunday dinner last week, eager to go meet Dina. Joel tried to brush him off and told him that it was fine. Ellie doesn’t really seem to find any time for them to hang out anymore anyway, besides their weekly regular plans.

Tommy still saw the melancholia on Joel’s face when she left with the door banging closed after her, disrupting Matilda’s quiet time and making the baby sniffle in Maria’s arms. Joel has to give it to him. The plan to get the guitar strings and venturing out the gates for Ellie to get more experience riding a horse was a great idea. Especially when Joel has only gotten more excited about their planned time together.

Disguising it as something fun for Ellie isn’t hurting anyone when it will help her get more comfortable in the wild considering her patrol training is going to start in a few months.

Now that he’s walking with Ellie to the stables, he’s getting nervous. His chest feels tighter and his hands feel a little numb. This is good, this is going to be a nice day, he convinces himself. The jitters about the day with Ellie isn’t the only thing that’s putting him on edge though.

He doesn’t know why he tried to make sure you wouldn’t be working today. He’s not really sure why he’s been holed up at home on his days off for the past couple of weeks or why every time he has seen you out and about, he has either went the other way or tried to avoid you altogether.

Jade has been confused the most when he has been insisting on getting the guns every time they’ve gone out for patrol and she has been the one to get their horses. She doesn’t mind getting them, but before they always switched it up.

He has given her some lame excuse about wanting to choose his own gun or making sure they get enough ammo. The guns are almost all the same and Jade is capable of getting enough ammo. And it’s not like they’ve ran out of bullets on any of their outings. She hasn’t questioned him any more than that and he has been grateful about it.

He understands what he’s doing is wrong. He should be better and just get seeing you for the first time since the kiss over with. He has been trying to promise himself it would all be okay and you could go back to what it was like before.

The easy feeling with you, the banter, the harmless joking around that sometimes felt a bit more flirtatious but he could never allow himself to think it was that. He misses the more meaningful conversations and how he has gotten to know you.

And then he remembers the exact moment when he first wanted to cradle your head between his palms, feel you pressed against him, kiss you, taste you, have you so close he wasn’t sure where you start and where he begins. It wasn’t in that supply closet two and a half weeks ago. It was before that.

It was after one of their early patrols. It was a beautiful, windy day even when it was clear this autumn was already turning towards its twilight. The nights had turned colder, but the days were still trying to hold onto the warmth of the sunlight.

The leaves were fluttering on their branches in copper and gold. The sun shone in darker tones and it was getting lower earlier in the day. The fresh smell of summer had changed to the earthy scent of moss and dampness as nature started to prepare itself for the darker months ahead.

He was having lunch at the dining hall with other patrollers but his head was aching and the loud conversations around him were only making it worse. He left right when he finished eating. All he wanted to do was fall on his bed and take a nap. He deserved it after he had seen one of the most bizarre dreams the night before.

You were in it, but at the same time the person in the dream was so different that he first didn’t recognise it was you. In the dream he was in a car going home and he recognised Austin immediately. He saw the familiar streets he always drove. The street corners that he could remember like they were part of him. The different houses and buildings that he was used to seeing almost daily. He remembered people like he had written a cheat sheet for them.

He wasn’t driving though.

He was sitting next to the driver, who happened to be you. The car was narrow and you sat like you were glued to each other. You were reading a map and he tried to tell you what turns to take or which street would get you closer to his home.

For some reason you wanted to make sure you were going in the right direction by checking the map every few seconds. Every time you stopped the car in the middle of the road and people pulled out air horns that they started to honk to get you moving. He was getting frustrated and anxious about the other drivers and why you couldn’t just do what he told you to do.

You then got out a basket of cookies. He recognised them immediately. His mom made them like that, with a swirl in the middle. No matter what cookie it was, she always made them swirly. You had the basket on your lap and you were humming a familiar tune, munching on the cookie, until you burst into song. Your voice wasn’t yours though. It sounded like you just opened your mouth and you were playing a record inside of you.

He recognised the song from his childhood and he couldn’t stop himself before he was belting the song, clapping his hand against his thigh, and letting the familiar music relax him. You sat in the truck in the middle of the busy road and you kept offering him cookies and he took them happily.

You still pulled the map out but kept singing the song as if you had the whole band in your mouth. At some point you took his hand into yours and you placed it on your thigh to keep you from flying away. Those were your words. You seemed really scared of it. He complied because you were his driver and he didn’t know what he could’ve done if you just flew away out of nowhere.

He woke himself up by singing. It wasn’t loud by any means, but he still startled himself awake when the song spilled into reality. He was confused by the dream, but ended up chuckling by himself in his bed because it was one of the weirdest dreams he has probably ever seen.

It was also the first time he dreamt of you. Before he had thought he had seen you in a dream or heard your voice, but the people had always turned out to be some faceless and nameless people who he didn’t remember after he had gotten out of bed.

When he saw you that day walking somewhere, he immediately felt self-conscious. Like you could read his mind and know that he had seen you in his dream the night before. That you could hear the whirring in his head even when you hadn’t even seen him.

You had your hands tucked into your jacket pockets, half of your face covered with the collar to keep the cold wind away, the tip of your nose still peeking through. He tried not to think about the dream or the song, but the thought about you was haunting him and the song played on repeat in his head, echoing away in the distance.

He had seen you many times before, but not like this. He wanted to know if you really looked the same in real life than what his dream had conjured up. He wanted to know what you sound like when you sing. And that’s when he thought about it the first time, his head drowning him in the thoughts of you. He had been good and has been good at keeping the thoughts away, keeping his mind busy and distracted himself with anything and nothing, but sometimes you just crept into his head and stayed there.

He found out what you really look like when he inhaled your scent before he kissed you. Stables, autumn, cinnamon, honey. And that same soap he has in his shower. He pressed the image of you, not the one who is in panic or scared out of their mind, but you who showed hunger in your eyes and who let him drink you in, into his memory.

It wasn’t the last time he dreamt of you. When he got home that night from the stables, he couldn’t believe what had happened. What he had done. He once told you even a year ago he didn’t think his life would look like this. Now he couldn’t believe that he had kissed you in a supply closet like you were teenagers.

He felt like he was in shock from the kiss. He saw you in a new way when he came up for air while Dan stood behind you two after opening the door. The gleam in your eyes in the darkened closet made him want to dive back in, no matter if people saw or not. He wanted you even more now that he had had his first taste.

The last person he kissed was Tess and that was long ago. He had loved her and he thought he’d never feel something similar again. But the pure attraction, the undeniable infatuation he was feeling towards you took him by surprise. So much so that he didn’t know what he could do with himself. All his nerve endings were on high alert. And the strain against the zipper of his jeans was getting almost painful by the time he got home. He locked himself in the bathroom and took a hot shower, drowning out his silent moans into the steam, while smelling that damn soap you both have.

Ellie leads them to the stables at a high speed, like they’re in a rush. It’s still morning. They have the whole day to spend riding the horses and to explore the town. This is good, he keeps repeating in his head while hoping she’d slow down just a little bit.

In all honesty he’s kind of terrified. He hasn’t stepped in the stables since the last time he saw you and while he knows you won’t be in today, the possibility of seeing you makes him antsy. Even thinking about you makes the song from the dream play in his head. He wonders what has gotten to him, this isn’t normal.

Ellie opens the door enthusiastically, trudging in and greeting the people in there.

“Ah, I was checking the list and saw that today is the day! But I guess not for patrolling?” Dan greets them, taking the list off the wall.

“First time riding outside, Ellie?” He queries. Joel sees pride lift Ellie’s spine straight and she seems to grow a few inches right in front of their eyes.

“Yup!” She pops the P at the end and the smile on her face is clear in her voice.

“We’ll get the horses ready, you can wait outside,” Dan signs something on the paper and hangs it back on the wall with a smirk on his face.

“C’mon then,” Joel holds the door open for her and she turns her back to him. There’s something different about her today, something’s off.

He has been telling himself it’s just her seeking her own strength and independence, but he realises it’s something else. It’s… nervousness. He hasn’t seen her nervous very often. Even while they were travelling across the country together, her insecurities were rare to come through and when it did, it wasn’t like this.

She’s high-strung, barely making eye contact with him and now as they wait for the horses, she’s walking around, turning in her steps, tapping her fingers against her leg, like she can’t stay still for even a second longer.

“Now when we go out there, you’ll just follow right behind me, it’s going to be safe.” His grip on the rifle over his shoulder tightens. This reminds him of their time together in the wild. Now the circumstances are just completely different.

“I know,” she says to the air and she puffs her cheeks full.

“I’ll show you some simple techniques with the horse, Willow is good for that. You can trust her.”

“I’m not worried about riding the horse,” she finally turns to him, but can��t look him in the eye. She looks right past his shoulder, towards the stables and takes a step forward. He hears the gentle hooves hitting against the ground and when he turns around, Old Beardy is right there, being brought out by Dan.

“Hi, bubba,” he greets and closes the distance with the horse. Beardy nudges his palm with his muzzle and Joel hums as he brings his hand up to the horse’s neck. He sees Ellie get closer to Willow, who follows Beardy out, and she’s eager to go meet the horse.

“I think he missed you,” Dan sounds pleased, but his eyes linger a bit too long on Joel for his liking. He clearly hasn’t told anyone about what he saw. Otherwise everyone would be talking about the incident in the stable’s supply closet. Nevertheless, Dan’s knowing side eye is making him uncomfortable. Ellie talks with the other worker, her precious words for the horse sounding soft and careful when she greets Willow.

“We’ll be back in the afternoon,” Joel tells Dan and takes the reins, circling to Ellie with Beardy following close behind, the horse’s muzzle almost glued to his arm.

“Ready to go?” He steps out behind Willow and his heart leaps into his throat. He’s frozen in his place right when his eyes lock into your hopeful ones, filled with trepidation.

“Hi,” your tentative voice is nothing like he remembered. It’s so much better. And so much worse because he knows he’s causing you to be on your toes, nervous around him. He really should’ve made an effort to see you. And now it’s biting him in the ass.

“Hi,” he swallows the word and it’s barely audible.

“How have you been?” Your shaky question makes him jerk his head in a nod.

“Good, you?” He shifts his weight from one foot to the other and sees you swallow before you fix a tentative smile on your face.

“Good, thanks.”

“Good, good.” He can’t believe how awkward a situation can be. He once again feels like a teenager standing in front of a crush. Ellie turns to him slowly and the way she’s staring at him makes him snap out of his stupor.

“Ready?” He asks again and coughs to clear his throat. You give her space to mount the horse and fold your arms over your chest.

He can feel your eyes on him while he makes sure Ellie gets on the horse safely, ready to give her an extra boost if she needs it. She doesn’t, she can do it all by herself. She sits on top of Willow with her back straight and she looks like she’s been given keys to a kingdom, ready to take the world. Her chin is high and pride sparkles in her eyes.

“Hopefully everything goes well out there!” Dan wishes them, but Joel can only purse his lips together and drop his gaze to the ground before he gives a small nod. You’re standing still next to Dan and haven’t made any moves to turn away. He knows he should say something to you, do anything at this point, but you’ve stripped him bare. He can’t handle the tension, or the sparks that light up inside him when he’s around you. How he stayed oblivious to the hold you have on him for so long is a mystery to him.  

Getting on Beardy is easy and the horse does whatever Joel guides him to do.

“Let’s go, kiddo,” Joel ushers Ellie to move, taking the lead. Ellie gets Willow moving, but Joel still turns in his saddle to look over his shoulder to make sure she’s actually following him and has no trouble controlling the horse. The only thing he sees though, is you turning your head away and walking back inside, Dan’s arm over your shoulders. Joel fixes his gaze on the front gate and urges Beardy into an easy trot while adjusting himself against the saddle.

The gates close behind them in a heavy thud and Joel keeps up the good pace until they get to the treeline. He exhales and fills his lungs with the fresh forest air, enjoying the sobering effect it has on him.

“So what’s with you two?” Ellie’s question doesn’t surprise him. Of course she would ask, she’s not blind to what happened in front of her. She also knows he doesn’t have to ask who she’s talking about. The question has been simmering behind him the whole time since they got past the gates.

“Nothing.” He wants to nip the conversation in the bud. There’s nothing to talk about.

“Seemed like much more than nothing.” Her teasing voice tells him that she’s not going to let it go.

“Everything’s fine, you don’t need to worry about it.”

“Whew, so sensitive.” She clearly wants him to hear her say it, otherwise she would’ve kept her voice down.

“I beg your pardon?”

“Just looked like you two have something going on,” she muses. The pleased tone in her voice makes him want to just keep his mouth shut, so that’s what he does.

“Hmmm, I take that as a yes. You have something going on.”

“Take it however you want,” he grunts. She starts whistling a tune he doesn’t know, but he’s glad she’s letting it go at least for now.

The forest is veined with trails leading to different directions, their patrol routes clear on the ground with hooves imprints. He enjoys the quiet and the slowness of the surrounding nature. An occasional critter scurries up a tree trunk or runs away through longer grass and hay. The bare tree branches are whispering in the easy breeze of the dry autumn air, the different shades of copper surrounding them with warmth but not actually feeling it from the cold sunlight amidst the dark trees.

Ellie’s whistles die down quickly and they ride in silence, Beardy and Willow’s hooves the only louder sounds hitting against his left eardrum. The dense quietness gives his anxiety a chance to spike. There’s so much being left unsaid with him and Ellie, he can almost cut it with a knife.

He does worry about her, how she’s doing, especially in the past few months after she has retreated into her shell from him and their conversations have dried up. Moments of communication have almost disappeared and he doesn’t know how to confront her about it.

She’s either with her friends or in her garage, with her friends, making it impossible for him to go and talk with her. And even when they have their movie nights or dinners, she’s so in her own world that it has started to bother him more than convince him she’s doing okay.

“How’s school been?” He offers her, but the only thing he can hear behind him is an exasperated sigh.

“Fine.”

“What about your friends, everything going okay with them?” He looks over his shoulder and catches her rolling her eyes.

“Yeah.” Okay then, he’s out of lifelines. A deep dread rises from the pits of his stomach that something might’ve happened to her and she’s either too ashamed to talk about it or too confused.

“I know you have your own life and being a teenager is hard. But I want you to know you can talk to me about anything. I will always help you with anything you ask and I will always listen to you no matter what.”

“Joel, everything’s okay. You don’t need to worry about it.” But everything’s not okay, it’s so clear when she’s around him. At moments she might be okay and there’s that hint of her that he got to know. Then suddenly, like in the snap of fingers, it all changes and he’s walking on eggshells around her.

“Just keep it in mind if you ever want to talk about anything…”

“Joel!” She shuts him up. He has no idea what’s happened between them and he’s not going to push it.

“Okay,” he mutters mostly to himself and lets the quiet settle between them once again.

He hopes this hike is going to change things between them. Maybe this is exactly what they need. Maybe they can talk and she’ll tell him what’s bothering her and they can find a solution for it together. He looks back and sees her riding on Willow comfortably, albeit her back a little too stiffly upright.

“It’s going good, you feel okay up there?” He asks and she nods, fixing her hands on the reins.

“Now you might want to relax your back just a little bit, it’s more comfortable for you in the long run and better for Willow as well,” his guiding words make her gaze up before she very deliberately slumps and then sits up tall again, with more ease on her posture and shoulders.

“There you go, how does that feel?” He directs his focus back on the track ahead, but Old Beardy is leading them like a dream. Joel’s just along for the ride.

“Yeah, it’s good.”

“Okay then. We have a bit of ways to go still, you tell me if you want to stop at any moment.”

“We can keep on going,” she tells him and the conversation is cut short once again. He doesn’t try to continue it when the finality in her voice is so clear. He keeps on leading them towards the town, his senses tuning in. He can feel the adrenaline pushing into his system as he’s on high alert for any sounds that aren’t from animals around them or any movement that is out of the ordinary.

As soon as they get to the ruined main street of the town, the asphalt torn apart by greenery forcing its way through the manmade heavy ground, most of the storefront windows broken and the stores put through the elements, he stops. Ellie rides Willow next to him, listening as well. But there’s nothing to listen to. Only the distant occasional bird or a twig snapping somewhere up in the trees, the horse’s hooves settling against the pavement.

“Is it safe?” She asks, her first words to him in a couple of hours.

“It seems so,” he wonders out loud, still scanning the surroundings but doesn’t see anything that makes him worried. The patrol round here with Jade earlier this week clearly was a good choice, since it still looks like there’s no infected in the area.

“This doesn’t mean you don’t have to keep your eyes and ears open. If you see or hear anything that is suspicious, you tell me.” His voice is stern. He doesn’t want to be in a situation where they suddenly run into infected or are caught off guard by some.

“Of course,” she has her eyes fixed on the different little boutiques and stores. Some of the signs are still up, to a hair salon, a grocery shop, a café. And the most important one, the music store, is right in front of them. The window of the storefront is still intact, with a big music staff and music notes under the name ‘Chordstop’ written in fancy lettering. The door is wide open and hanging barely on its hinges.

“C’mon, we can have lunch in the store.” He makes Beardy move and they walk slowly towards the place. The town is eery in its generous tranquility but he’s becoming more and more convinced that there’s nothing to be worried about.

“Let’s tie the horses here,” he hops down from Beardy and wraps the reins to a rusty bike stand. “Need any help?” He asks when he sees Ellie hesitating for just a few seconds.

“No I got it,” she swings her leg over Willow and jumps down.

“You okay?” She stumbles and her legs twist as she almost loses her balance when her feet touch the ground.

“I said I’m good.” Ellie brings the reins to the bike stand and Joel shows her an easy knot that she can use. He watches her under his brow, a very specific uncomfortable feeling settling into his stomach.

She’s not acting cold towards him because her teen hormones and problems are churning through her brain. It seems like she’s upset at him for some unknown reason and she’s having an even harder time confronting that reason.

He leads her into the store and they’re met with piles and piles of dirt on the floor and vines growing out of cracks through the walls. There’s a back room, that seems to have only broken windows by the looks of it through the door, plants reaching their tendrils into the store. But the natures ravaging isn’t the only thing left in this relic of the old world. The shelves are still filled with records and CD’s, some ruined musical instruments hanging haphazardly on the walls and standing in corners.

Ellie dives into the stacks of music she sees and riffles through them, opening CD cases and looking at the pictures of the different artists on the water damaged covers. He finds a record box sitting on the floor and squats down to go through it. Most of them are vintage, records that he remembers from his childhood or teen years. He looks inside one of them and the record is ruined. Of course, no hope for finding any unscathed music in this store.

He walks slowly across the shop, a gentle smile deepening the creases next to his eyes as he watches Ellie reading lyrics from a CD booklet. She smirks at something she reads and it makes her stuff the booklet into her backpack that hangs off her shoulder. It’s already open. Maybe this isn’t the first booklet or even CD she has found interesting.

There, on spikes on the wall, are different guitar strings for different guitars. He picks up the nylon ones and checks them over. They seem to be in good condition, still clear and malleable and a bit of shine on them. The plastic they’ve been in has protected them well. He ends up taking the whole stack from the wall and bends down to put them into his backpack next to the lunchboxes he packed for them.

“Hey, look,” Ellie suddenly says and rushes to a drum kit. She hits the surface of one of the cymbals, the metallic, airy sound filling the store.

“You’re a natural,” Joel compliments and walks over to her. She hands him her backpack and picks up the fallen chair before she sits behind the kit. She doesn’t have the drumsticks, but it doesn’t stop her from hitting her palms against the dirty surfaces of the toms.

She nods her head to the unmelodic dull sounds and finishes the rhythm with a single crash of the cymbal. She shakes her hand in the air for a moment, then she keeps on going. She finds the bass drum pedal, where the springs have died a long time ago, and it barely makes any sounds. She doesn’t seem to mind though as she keeps on hitting the different drums and cymbals in uncoordinated order.

Joel chuckles to himself and moves on to browse through the CD’s. A familiar looking cover catches his attention and he picks it up. He remembers seeing the women on the cover in one of Sarah’s posters that she hung up all by herself, proud that she was able to do it without his help.

Admittedly the poster was a little crooked but nothing that you wouldn’t notice unless you didn’t stop and stare at it for a while. He opens the case and the CD is still in there, but moisture has done its trick and the surface is dim and cracked. He’s tempted to take it with him, even if he wouldn’t be able to play it at home. He feels like Sarah is here with him in some odd way, just by holding the CD in his hands.

“Found something interesting?” Ellie asks. The last crash of the cymbal is fading and Joel smirks.

“Yeah, Sarah loved this band. I remember her listening to this album over and over again, memorising the lyrics and the way they sang in the songs. There was always music playing in her room or in the kitchen when she opened the radio. But she was shy about singing herself. It was rare to hear her voice and she always tried to hide it under the music.” Ellie hums in thought.

He puts the CD back to the rack and picks up another, a familiar CD from the time when Sarah was a baby. He listened to the album constantly as it seemed to calm her down as well. He wonders if he might still remember how to play one of the songs.

Ellie stands up and looks up at the broken instruments on the wall. She reaches for the guitar and touches the surface, but then pulls her hand back and twists her fingers together.

“I promised I would teach you how to play it,” he walks over to her and they both look at the cracked surface of the lacquer.

“You did.” She drops her gaze to the floor and turns from him. She walks over to the CD he was holding in his hands earlier, Sarah’s CD, and she opens it.

“If you still want to learn, of course?” Doubt seeps into his voice even when he tries to keep it even, with a slight hope mixed in.

She stops and puts the CD back gently, as to not break it any further. She looks up and the frustrated turn of her brows and the broken look in her eyes tells him that this is definitely not about her being a teenager. This has all to do with him. He waits for her to speak, to say anything that would give at least a hint of why she’s se upset.

“Why do you want to teach me?” Her question takes him by surprise.

“I thought it could be something fun for us to do together. I promised you, didn’t I?” Her eyes narrow and she fiddles with her fingers. She shuffles her weight from one foot to the other and she shakes her head slowly. She focuses on the floor for a moment until she defiantly lifts her gaze and stills to stand with her feet firmly planted against the floor.

“Why do you want to teach me to play the guitar?” She asks again and Joel gasps out something that resembles a laugh.

“What’s going on?”

“Just tell me, Joel,” she’s frustrated, he can tell.

“You’re always listening to music, I thought you’d like to learn.” He doesn’t know what’s happening. She’s only staring at him, wanting for him to understand something, but he can’t read her mind. He can only see the surface and the hurt that she’s letting through. It’s not new either. He has seen that look before. This is something she has been carrying with her for a while now.

“I don’t mean that.” She exhales and grinds her teeth together.

“What do you mean then?” He takes a step forward and his hand reaches out to her. He’d want to say so much to her. That she can talk about anything. She doesn’t have to be afraid with him. He’s here for her. No matter what it is, he’s always here.

“Why are you trying to make us some sort of a happy family when we’re not?” He feels his stomach drop as soon as she finishes talking.

“What?”

“I’m not her. You want me to be her, but I’m not.” His skin is showered with cold sweat and she knows what she’s saying is going to hurt him.

“Ellie, you’re making this out to be something that it’s not.” Joel feels his control crumbling. This is not how he thought today was going to go.

“You want your family back, I get it. You want to be a dad.” He’s at a loss for words. But she pushes forwards and takes a step towards him. She’s not letting him go, not with the way she’s forcing him to listen to what she has been mulling over in her head.

“I’ll never be her. And there was a time when I thought I was family to you. But I know I’m not when you can’t even be honest with me.” Her eyes well up with tears but she’s trying to keep them from falling. Panic creeps into Joel’s mind, spreads slowly one cell at a time, making him hold his breath and wait if she wants to say anything else. She doesn’t. She’s waiting for him.

“Honest with you?” His voice is strangled. He’s barely able to feel his hands.

“What happened at the hospital in Salt Lake City?” She asks. The final blow.

Joel swallows the thickness from his throat, but it all comes back up. The lie tightens in the back of his neck and his chest closes up. It’s the question he’s been dreading. The one question he has wanted to avoid. He should’ve guessed it, that she’s not going to let it go. No matter how much he’d hope for it, his lie won’t protect him anymore.

“I’m not talking about this with you.” He tries to shut it down. He has to look away. But she catches his coat sleeve into her grip and forces him to stay here with her, to not shut her out.

“Why not? Because you lied? Why can’t you just tell me what you did?” She pleads.

He can hear the shots in his ear, the feel of the different guns he picked up one after the other when he ran out of ammo. The bodies, the blood. Her knife in his hand, how it felt like he was cutting through butter when he was trying to find her. The different faces.

He didn’t feel anything in those moments at the hospital. He wasn’t going to let it happen again. The memory squeezes into the small motion of her hand when she gives his sleeve a single shake against her palm.

I swear.

“Do you really want to know?” The venom in his voice is unintentional. He doesn’t want to be angry. But it’s the only feeling he can understand from the tens of other feelings he’s experiencing at the same time. It doesn’t go unnoticed by her and her face twists.

“I already do!” She yanks her hand free and takes steps back. The tears fall. She’s filled with disappointment, it’s all over her. In her posture, on her face, in her voice, in her eyes, in the small wobble of her lower lip.

“I want to hear it from you.” She says and waits. The quiet around them is suffocating.

“Just say it.” She whispers and takes his breath away at the same time. This is a nightmare that he’s not dreaming. This is a moment that he can’t predict or control. He has no say in what is going to happen when he opens his mouth.

“Making a vaccine would’ve killed you. So I took us out of there.” Her cheeks turn blotchy with redness and as the words fall out of his mouth. More tears fall from her eyes. She finally turns away from him and wipes at her cheeks, breathing harshly.

She’s not saying anything and he feels like his heart is going to jump out of his chest. His ears are ringing and he hears his bloodstream muffling his hearing in his good ear. He’s been so afraid of this since they were driving to Jackson. Now that she knows the truth from him, he couldn’t be further from relieved.

“Ellie,” he begins but she only gets further from him.

“Don’t,” her voice breaks. All his composure crumbles and he heaves in a breath, then another.

“Ellie, you need to understand why I did it.”

“Tell me then!” She yells. He’d want to hug her, to keep her safe from the hurt but he can’t wipe away her anger. He’s glued in place anyway, filled with the same kind of fear he felt when he held Sarah in his arms for the last time.

“I wasn’t going to let them do it, I couldn’t. I wanted to save you.” His voice is barely audible, even he’s having a hard time hearing himself. He digs his nails into the shoulder strap of her backpack, just to feel something other than the immense anguish. His words don’t soothe Ellie, she only sobs harder as her frustration sets in.

“We travelled across the country together to get me there!”

“It would’ve killed you!” His voice booms against the walls. He has never yelled at her, no matter what. He’s so lost with what’s going through his head. He’s back at the hospital, going through floor after floor, taking down all those people. And he’s with Sarah, holding her while she took her last gasping breaths. They’re mixing into a cacophony of panic, but only one feeling remains. He has lost everything.

“I wasn’t going to leave you there. I wasn’t going to leave knowing that you wouldn’t have existed anymore. I wasn’t going to go through that again. You deserve a life. You deserve a chance.” He talks much gentler now. He doesn’t have to convince her of his reasoning.

She turns her back on him and walks out. He hears her crying, her hopelessness. She leans her back against the dirty glass of the window and wipes at her face furiously. His legs are shaking from the tension in his muscles but he pushes himself to go be with her.

“Ellie?” He asks and almost touches her shoulder, but she recoils from him and puts distance between her and Joel.

“I know why you did it.” She says through the thickness in her throat and the tears. Of course she doesn’t have to hear his explanations. She can read him like a book without covers. Page after page cleanly ripped from the seams, laid on the floor, and she can just pick the right ones that tell her everything she needs to know.

“I was supposed to die in that hospital. I was supposed to save everyone.” He’d want to make her see that that doesn’t have to be her purpose in life. That her death might have no impact, no matter how much she wanted to save the world.

“And I don’t know if I can forgive you for it.” She whispers, breaking the rambling in his head. This is the one thing that he wanted to avoid.

It’s not the lying or even the fact that he killed all those people. It’s the fact that she might not want to have anything to do with him anymore. There’s nothing that could fix this. There was no fixing this when he was left alone with her after Tess died.

No, that’s not true. He just didn’t want to be honest with himself. He saved her from the FEDRA soldier when they were still in the QZ. He was already protective of her when he didn’t even know her well enough to consider her family.

“I want to go home,” she says and wipes the last tears on her jacket sleeves. It’s too light for this weather. He knows he should’ve said something about it before they left. He can see her shivering. He didn’t though and now she’s not even looking at him when she grabs her backpack from him and gets to Willow.

Her hands are shaking and he tries to reach to help her, but just as he gets to her side, she yanks the reins free and walks Willow away from him and Beardy.

Joel doesn’t try to talk to her while they ride back to Jackson. She makes sure he knows that she has nothing to say to him and she’s not interested to hear his voice anymore. His backpack weighs like nothing, but in his mind it has turned to weigh a tonne.

The guitar strings are everything but light and the thought that he would’ve taught Ellie to play the instrument seems like a buried wish anymore. How stupid he feels. How incredibly restless and helpless he feels. He made a mistake by telling her that lie.

He made a mistake when he didn’t convince her to just go back to Jackson with him when he first suggested it in Salt Lake City. He should’ve been more persistent with her so they wouldn’t be in this mess right now. And she wouldn’t hate him for what he did to get her out of there.

The whole way back to Jackson is a blur. He watches her like a hawk, beating himself up in his head, wishing this would all go away. How did she even know the truth. He only told Tommy… She must’ve heard it from him. And he knows that Tommy wouldn’t have gone and just straight up told her. It had to be an accident that she found out. Damn Tommy. But he can’t blame his brother. Tommy did nothing wrong. All the blame is on himself, his own actions, his own lie.

The gates to the town open in slow motion and Ellie rides in first. She can’t make it any clearer that she wants to get off the horse and away from him as fast as possible. They get to the stables and Ellie hops down off Willow, almost stumbling again but catching herself just in time to leave the reins resting on Willow’s withers. She doesn’t look back when she takes off, walking away from him.

“Where are you going?” He yells after her, dismounting Beardy and taking a few steps to follow behind her. She doesn’t answer, only starts jogging and disappears into the sparse early afternoon crowd.

He stays still and waits to see her face. Like she could turn around and tell him where she’s going or what she’s going to do. But that doesn’t happen. Of course it doesn’t. The front of the stables is quiet. People must’ve gone for lunch. Lucky him. He can get the horses back inside and work in peace.

He drops his backpack on the floor and walks the horses in one by one. He works on autopilot, as he takes their saddles, their saddle pads, and lastly their bridles when he has closed them both in their stalls. He gets the brush from the supply closet, pushing every thought of you out of his head.

His hands are numb and he shakes them out of habit but it doesn’t do anything. He drops the brush multiple times, the wooden base slipping from his sleeping hands. Every time it clatters against the floor, the sounds echo in his ear and it makes a new wave of panic set in.

He should be taking better care of the horses, not brush them carelessly. But then the brush slips away from his fingers again and he’s having a hard time even seeing where it dropped on the floor. He leans his forehead against Beardy and massages his palm against his heart. He’s barely able to breathe, no matter how hard he’s trying to calm himself down.

“Are you alright?” He hears through the blood pumping in his ears and startles to realise you’re standing right next to him, your hand hovering over his shoulder. You’re careful not to touch him but the slight crinkle between your brows, the wide-eyed worry and your parted lips to let out small puffs of air tell him you’re not asking it just to be pleasant. You’re asking because you know he’s breaking apart. You know what that’s like. You know what it looks like.

He only manages to shake his head and gasp out a shivering breath. Your hand touches his shoulder finally and he leans into it. He lets you take a step closer, then another, your whole arm wrapping around his upper back until he’s leaning his head against your neck. There’s nothing he can do than to melt into the warmth of you, the care you’re giving him.

You run your palm up and down his back and he wraps his arms around you, to lean against you, searching for that safety that you’re offering. You don’t ask about it, you don’t even make a sound. You just let him break against you and catch his breath.

When his exhales sound like small, panicked huffs rather than steady rhythm between inhales and exhales, you press your palm against his chest. He lifts his own hand to rest over yours and you stay that way until he can relocate his lungs again and understand how they’re supposed to work.  

His head lifts off your shoulder first, his body weight following and easing off you softly.

“I couldn’t take care of the horses,” he shakes his head in failure, like he has let you down.

“I can take care of them. Don’t worry about it.” You walk him out of the stall and he lets you lead him by his hand to a bench close to the door. The heels of his boots catch against the floor heavily. As soon as he sits down, he leans his head back and closes his eyes. He flexes his hands against his thighs and curls them into fists.

You pick up the brush and make quick work of brushing Willow and Beardy before you give them their feed. Joel is still sitting on the bench with his eyes closed, his calming breath flowing in through his nose and out through his mouth, the slow rise and fall of his chest relaxing you at least a little.

You sit down next to him and offer him water from your water bottle which he takes into his hands. But he doesn’t take a sip from it. He just stares at it.

“I made a mistake,” he says so quietly you have to lean in. The humorless smirk on his face and the baffled rise of his brows give you whiplash.

“I lied to Ellie about something and she found out,” he lifts his gaze and you take in the guilt that is so clear on his face. He rubs his palm against his mouth until he brings his fingers against his right temple.

“She’s not going to forgive me.”

“What could be such a lie that she won’t forgive you?” Your question is more like a reflex than actually a question. They’re family, what could change that?

“She said something…” He admits and leans his elbows against his thighs. He sets the bottle down on the floor and looks at you over his shoulder.

“She said she’s never going to be her.”

“You mean…?” You don’t need to finish your sentence because you already know he’s talking about his daughter, Sarah.

“She said she thought we were family, but we’re not because I lied to her.” The anguish in his voice cracks something in your chest.

That’s how you saw them as well. Family. He has been living with her this whole time, they’ve been having dinners and movie nights and they’ve been like father and daughter. There’s nothing you can say to him to ease the pain. There’s nothing you can say, because he’s keeping a part of the truth hidden here as well. The real, whole truth is between him and Ellie and you might never find it out.

“She said I want to be a dad,” the spark of hope in his tone makes you press your arm against his. “She’s not wrong. But she’s never going to replace Sarah. Ellie is her own person.”

“And she’s like a daughter to you even though she’s not your own,” you fill in and he looks at you. The sadness in his eyes is obvious. There’s nothing else than the sadness of a parent who has lost a child and who believes there’s nothing he can do to fix the relationship with his other one.

“She’ll calm down, and when she does, you have to talk with her.” You tell him and you attempt to sound encouraging, but your effort is weak. He can hear it. There’s nothing you could do to help him, not when what he’s going through is so out of your wheelhouse. He shakes his head and looks away and the fear of failure takes over you.

You sit there with your arms pressed together. This is not how you thought you’d be with him the first time since the kiss. Or what you’d be talking about. This morning was the most awkward situation you’ve ever been in yet the confusion you’ve been dealing with is nothing compared to the pain you feel radiating off him.

“I should’ve come talk with you before, about what happened…” he starts. You feel your cheeks heating up right away. You look at him from the corner of your eye but your nerves push you to drop his gaze.

“Don’t worry about, it’s okay.”

“It’s not.” He snorts. This is not the right time for this.

“I understand you. It was weird and rushed and unexpected. It’s okay.” You ramble and say what you think he wants to hear. In your peripheral you see his face fall. You’d want to wipe that look of confusion off his face but you don’t get a chance to do anything when he’s already rising on his feet and picking up his backpack off the floor.

“I have to go home.” He is still shaking his fingers. He’s already about to walk out the door when you reach for his hand and stop him.

“She’ll forgive you.” He turns to you.

“That’s the thing. She might not.” Your hand weakens against his skin and drops. You watch him walk out the door without a goodbye, only the sense of despair left as your company.

The easy buzz of the alcohol in your system makes you feel drowsy after a long day first at the stables and then helping out Diana and Brenda carry outside furniture into their basement. It’s going to snow in a few days and the air is getting colder every day in preparation for the change in nature.

Dan is telling a story about a freak accident he once witnessed when someone was out hunting and hit their head in a branch while they were riding their horses. Sasha and one other worker from the stables, Teo, laugh at the way he’s telling you about it even though apparently the person got a mild concussion from the impact. The person didn’t mind it becoming a bit of a joke though, as it was still told now years later and the person even made it sure that everyone who heard the story knew it was them who it happened to.

The Tipsy Bison is getting busy on this Saturday evening. Once again people are letting loose as tomorrow is most people’s day off, even yours and you couldn’t be happier about it. Every evening when you fall into bed, you’re so incredibly exhausted that you always fall asleep almost right away.

Unfortunately your sleep isn’t calm and you don’t wake up energised and ready for the day. You see dreams that you can’t remember in the morning. You can only feel the pressure and uneasiness that seeps from your unconsciousness to your waking days.

You’re not surprised by the dreams though. You’re worried about Joel. You see him from time to time around town, but you haven’t spoken with him. He still seems to be avoiding you, now even more it seems than before.

You don’t want to breach your boundaries though. You don’t think it’s your place to go ask him if he has been able to talk with Ellie. You have no idea what happened or how he should even start to solve their issues. You’re not a parent, you have no experience in what he might be feeling.

You’re not really listening to your friends anymore, just stare at the little bubbles that rise up against the glass in tiny pearly strings and disappear when they reach the surface. You take a sip of the alcohol and run your finger against the edge.

“… I just shut him out.” You hear behind you from the next booth and you turn to look.

“No, he just doesn’t get that I have nothing to say to him. He has tried talking to me twice now, but I can’t listen to the excuses.” Ellie. Your shoulders tense up and you’re suddenly wide awake.

She’s here with her friends, the whole booth full of other teenagers, but she’s clearly having a more private conversation with one of her other friends who is sitting further from you. You think her name is Dina. you’ve seen her with Ellie plenty of times.

“It was, uhh, just something that we were supposed to do but he decided against it and brought us to Jackson instead.” So that has to be the thing he did. The thing he lied about. The pieces aren’t clicking what he could’ve done to make the lie so bad she can’t even talk with him. It’s only because there are still so many pieces missing.

“Now I want to do it even more. He can’t decide for me anymore. He’s not my dad.” Her words ache in your chest. The way she says it, that he’s not her dad, sounds like she’s trying to convince herself as well. That she doesn’t completely believe it but wants to so bad that she has to say it out loud.

What does she want to do? You’d want to turn around and ask how she’s doing because she seems so agitated. You also want to keep on listening. You recognise the curiosity that wants to find out more, since Ellie lowered her voice down and in your corner of the booth her words are like a riddle for you to figure out.

“You’re not telling me you’re starting to doubt the plan?” She asks Dina.

“Everything’s set for next weekend, you can’t back down now.” A twinge of worry nips in your stomach. You don’t know about anything special happening next weekend. No one has said anything about any plans.

“I know, that’s what worries me as well. But Robbie said we’d be okay, he went there with his dad and…” Robbie, you’re not sure who that is. Or who Robbie’s dad is.

“We’ll be okay. We’ve planned carefully, we’ll be okay.” You’re not feeling good about this but it could also be nothing. It probably is nothing, you’re just on edge because of not sleeping well and feeling worried all the time.

“You’ll be there, right?” She asks with a small voice, and then laughs when her friend most likely says what she wants to hear. The whole group bursts into cackles about something and their voices drown into a mix of teenage joking and talking over each other. The uneasiness doesn’t settle in your stomach, it only grows bigger and more suffocating.

It’s nothing, they’re just teenagers, you tell yourself and repeat is as many times as it takes for you to be convinced of it.