#just eat the fucking pizza and stop feeling guilty about it

[icarusthefool]

To add onto the thing about vitamins: you cannot get them to the fullest extent without fat. If you drink carrot juice every morning, you're not getting any vitamins from that unless you add fat (mix in some olive oil). Also, while most vegetables do have more vitamins before they are heated (simplification), it's always better to have baked/fried veggies than not have any at all. Also, some vegetables (like tomatoes!!) actually release more good stuff when heated (simplification).

And lastly, this might depend on your climate, but I often find warm food more comforting and filling, and sometimes a cold sandwich just doesn't cut it.

[sigma-alpha-writer-chad]

Grow Up, Would You? [Josh Washington]

“I don’t know if you’ve changed any since middle school but I really hope you’ve learned the difference between pranking somebody and just being a fucking bully.”

You can also find this story on Ao3!

Chapter Two / Chapter Three / Chapter Four

[CHAPTER THREE]

Italics = Events taking place prior to the "present day" of the story!

It had been a quiet day, so far. That morning was easily one of the best I'd had in who knew how long. Everybody had been leaving me alone. I was grateful for the peace and quiet, though I couldn't relax fully. Somebody had to be planning something. Despite the thoughts, I wanted to have a good day.

I really wanted to have one good day.

The cafeteria was big. Rows of long, rectangular tables were filled with middle schoolers chatting about their day and eating their lunches. Some had home packed lunches filled with goodies they could trade off for something better or in exchange for cheating off homework, and some children had the school lunch. It was pizza today. Square pies with cubes of pepperoni on them. Many people didn't like them but they were always one of my favorites.

I looked around me. I couldn't see anybody who would've wanted to pull something on me.

I couldn't see Josh.

It had been years since anyone else had done anything to me without him participating or sort of approving it. If he wasn't at school that day, I would be free for the day. It was the only explanation I had that day for the lack of terror I'd faced.

I stood in the line for the pizza and spotted my cousin, Chris, and his friend Ashley. I called for them, and they allowed a bunch of kids in front of them to move towards my spot in line.

"Hey, cousin," Chris greeted me. "Last year of lunch together, huh?" He was one year my senior, meaning next year he would be in high school, a building separate from mine. "Is that why you seem to be in such a good mood?"

"Yep, you keep saying," I responded as a grin grew across my face. "Poor Jordan, without her big cousin around. Whatever will the humble 8th grader-to-be do?"

"Celebrate?" Ashley chimed in. "No more Josh, right?" I smiled wider and nodded. Chris made a face at Ashley for bringing it up. He obviously wanted to say something, but didn't. We moved forward in the line.

"I can't wait to have some peace," I admitted. For a moment I wondered what it would be like. Would the teasing and pranks really stop, or would they just be exacted upon me by someone else? I shook the thoughts from my head, but not my smile.

"Josh isn't that bad," Chris defended. "He's my best friend. Why are you so mean about him?" My expression faltered slightly.

"Why is he so mean about me? Why are you always on Josh's side?" I retorted. "You're no better, really. You're just my less mean cousin." I crossed my arms. Day ruined. "I'm tired of always being the one who is upset and ruins everything when you guys are the ones who upset me in the first place." Chris's face turned red in embarrassment and frustration, and I could tell he felt guilty, as well. He pushed up his glasses.

"They're just jokes! It's not my fault you're just a cry baby 7th grader and nobody likes you." I frowned, hard, and my appetite was no longer.

"Where is this coming from?" I asked, tears brimming my eyes. Chris was always sensitive yet defensive in 8th grade, quick to bite if he felt cornered. I tried to remember what my mother had told me about when people are mean to you for no reason - that they feel bad about themselves. I could see Chris's expression drop when I started to cry. At that point, though, it'd meant nothing. Time and time again he or Josh or someone else would make me upset, he would feel bad as soon as I started to cry, and then do it again the next week.

I left the lunch line and made a beeline straight for my homeroom class. Mr. Brown would allow me to just sit at my desk during lunch if I'd wanted, so oftentimes that's what I did.

He greeted me as I entered, but said nothing else as I went to sit down. He was the only teacher who seemed to understand I didn't like to talk about the pranks pulled by my peers, especially because the school would do nothing about it anyways.

"Somebody left something for you in your desk," Mr. Brown said. His expression was soft and mildly worried, likely due to the obvious tears I had running down my face. "Should we look together?" My lips pressed into a thin line as I nodded and my heart rate picked up. He stood up and made his way towards me.

"Who left it?" I asked warily, standing up as to not be trapped if water sprayed out of the desk.

Again.

"I'm not sure," he answered. "They were in and out pretty fast. Had a hood up." He placed his left hand at the edge of my desk, where he could lift it up. "Ready?" I nodded, and he slowly lifted the desk.

It was a flower.

Mr. Brown and I stood completely still for a couple of seconds. I sniffled and slowly moved my hand away from my chest to reach for the white flower. It was a daisy. My favorite? Mr. Brown's eyebrows raised and gave way to an expression of delight as I picked up the daisy to show him.

"Is there a note?" He asked, peeking over the wooden top of my desk.

"Uhm..." I leaned forward to look back into the desk. There was a pink piece of paper folded about a million times to be as small as possible. This failed miserably, the paper being too thick to even stay closed. "Yeah, I think so." I took it out and observed the parchment.

"A secret admirer!" Mr. Brown gasped dramatically. It suddenly occured to me how nosey and curious my teacher was. My face grew hot as I opened up the pink letter. "What does it say?" I shot him a look. He put his hands up and backed away. "Ok, I get it." He teased and went back to his desk with a small smile on his face. I looked down at the pink note in my hands as my heart pounded in my chest. Was it really a secret admirer? Or another dumb prank?

The handwriting was atrocious.

'Jordan, I saw this flower outside and I thought it was pretty and maybe I heard one time it was your favorite so I picked it for you. Don't get the wrong idea because this isn't a secret admirer and nobody likes you that much, especially not me.'

I was taken aback by the note. What kind of a note was this? I thought back to one of the animes Chris likes that he'd made me watch. There was a really mean girl who was very mean to the boy she liked to hide her feelings. Was this the same? I furrowed my eyebrows in frustration, confusion, and flattery. I would have to show Chris later. I put the daisy inside the letter and waited for the day to be over.

---

Chris and I sit on the floor of my bedroom, chatting about his previous trips to the lodge and what it would be like.

"A lot of drinking. Like, so much. Josh and I usually pass out at least once," Chris babbles excitedly. Even though he seemed very hesitant at first, he'd quickly come around to my invite. "I'm actually really happy you're coming. The twins are stoked, y'know?" I smile at him, and he continues on. "They're the ones who started the idea. Everybody comes up and spends a few days at the lodge and we all just party. This will be the second or third year without parents though, I think."

"I feel like that's a safety hazard," I sigh, laying on my side and propping myself up with the palm of my hand. "What if someone gets hurt or goes missing?" Chris shrugs.

"Then we do what we can and we call the police," he states. I shrug as well. I wasn't satisfied with that answer, but I understood that no parents meant more freedom and fun for us young adults. I scoot a little closer to him, a mischievous smile creeping across my expression.

"So... No adults, at all?" Chris side eyes me suspiciously, not bothering to turn his head.

"No... Why?" I know he knows what I'm about to say.

"No reason, just... Y'know, Ashley." He smacks both of his hands over his face in embarrassment, his face growing redder by the second.

"Oh, my God, Jordan, not you too," he sighs in annoyance. "I really like Ashley, I really really do but can't we talk about anything else for once?" I smile wider and shrug.

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Josh," My smile immediately fades. Chris shifts to match my position, laying his chin on his hand and laying on his side. "Let's talk about Josh."

"Why do you want to talk about Josh?" Chris has a small smile on his face as he shrugs, mocking my previous body language.

"I was surprised when he took you to the bathroom," he admits. He rolls over into his stomach, his jaw on both hands now as he kicked his feet behind him like a gossipping school girl. "Crazy, right?"

"Yeah, I think he was just high, though," I say, chewing my lip. I can feel the tips of my ears redden. "You saw how he acted immediately afterwards, didn't you? The daggers he was glaring when I got invited to the lodge were sharp, man." I raise my eyebrows and move to mirror Chris.

"Daggers... Of love." He wiggles his eyebrows and makes a kissy face. I roll my eyes so hard it hurts.

"Ok, you watch too many soap operas or something," I laugh. My cousin sighs and rolls his own eyes. "Would you stop copying me?"

"Would you stop copying me?" I go straight faced and stare at him, hitting my swinging feet on the ground with a thud. He does the same, and a staring contest ensues. I squint. There's no way I was losing this. Time slows down, but luckily for me, I could already see Chris's eyes begin to water. I'm tempted to reach for his glasses slowly and take them off his face when his phone rings and he instinctively looks away, squeezing his eyes shut.

"Technicality," he groans as he stands up.

"A technicality is still a win," I gloat. I roll over onto my back and stare up at the ceiling. "Who is it?"

"It's your boyfriend," Chris teases.

"My abusive boyfriend," I snort. "What does he want?" he puts his finger up in a gesture to wait as he answers the phone.

"Hey man, what's up?" I mouth to Chris telling him to put the phone on speaker. He glares at me and mouths 'nosey,' tapping himself on the nose. I sigh dramatically and wait. "Yeah, I'm just at Jordan's house... Uh huh. Yeah. No, I'm spending the day with -" Chris sighs in frustration. "I'll ask her." I perk up. "Do you want to get pizza with Josh?" my eyebrow raises in suspicion and look Chris up and down. He rolls his eyes. "He only wanted me to come but I told him I'm not leaving you and so he's extending the invitation."

"Does he promise to be nice?" Chris puts the phone on speaker.

"Josh, do you promise to be nice?" he asks. There's silence before Josh laughs. A smile tugs at my lips, though I'm not sure why.

"Yes, Chris, I promise to be nice to Jordan." Chris looks at me, waiting for my response.

"Fine," I sigh dramatically. Chris smiles and gives me a thumbs up.

"Niiice, see you soon." Josh hangs up. A silence hangs between Chris and I. He sets his phone down and looks at the ground, twiddling his thumbs as if he's nervous, like he's about to say something he shouldn't.

"He doesn't hate you, you know," he says. I look up at him, but he doesn't meet my gaze. "I'm... I'm sorry, for... betraying you so often when we were kids." This takes me by surprise. Chris had changed, being kinder to me as we grew older, but I never expected an apology.

"I forgive you, Chris," I smile and stand up, giving him a hug. He hugs me back tightly and he lets out a breath he had been holding. "Don't apologize for Josh, though. He's not sorry."

"Still, Jordan, I meant it," Chris takes a step back, putting his arms to my shoulders and bending down slightly to look me in the eyes. "He doesn't hate you." I didn't know what to say.

"Chris, I don't know what to say to that."

"You don't have to say anything. Let's just go get pizza. It's within walking distance."

"But it's cold outside."

"You have a coat." I groan dramatically as we start to leave, grabbing my coat.

---------

Chris opens the door for me as we walk into the pizza joint Josh had told us to meet him at. It was a homey, diner-like place with booths lined up against the walls for seating, bar stools at the bar, and a few circular tables for larger parties. In front of the bar was a sign that read 'seat yourself.'

"Looks like we beat him here," Chris mumbles. "Where do you want to sit?"

"A booth, by the window." I answer, walking ahead of him to take a seat at an empty booth near the back. Chris sits across from me and I furrow my eyebrows.

"What?" He asks. I don't want to tell him I'm worried Josh might sit next to me, so I shake my head and tell him nothing. A waitress comes to the table and lays a menu down. "Oh, we'll be a minute, we're waiting on somebody."

"Okay, hon, sure thing," she winks at Chris as she walks away. Chris shrugs off his thick coat to fall around his waist.

"Bro she wants you so bad," I say. Chris sighs, but he's smiling. "Hubba hubba." It had been an inside joke since our teenage years that every waitress or waiter wanted him. Of course, they didn't usually wink.

"Dude, guaranteed wife." He says, running his fingers through his hair dramatically, shaking his head. Suddenly the seat next to mine sinks, someone taking a seat next to me. Chris's eyebrow twitches in surprise and amusement.

"Hey, fellas," Josh grins, rubbing his hands together. "Pizza time? Did you guys order?"

"No, we waited for you, dude," Chris says. "I'm thinking just pepperoni, personally."

"Can we add some bacon on this bad boy?" Chris agrees, and both he and Josh look to me for an answer. I glance at Josh, who is staring at me rather intensely and gulp.

"Yeah, that sounds good." I smile. Josh tilts his head as if to see my face better and I feel my face grows warm with confusion and embarrassment. I ignore him, though I can tell he notices my flustered state by his wicked grin. I look at my cousin across the table, and his expression is that of surprise and curiosity. The waitress comes back, and we order.

Josh and Chris talk about the lodge. Past years, plans for this one. I feel a tinge of nerves and excitement. Everyone included talks so much about it, I don't know if I've ever done anything so hyped up. I'd never been to any huge events before, nor small, fun sleepovers with anyone other than Chris.

"So, Jordan," Josh snaps me out of my thoughts, bumping into me with his shoulder. I look at Josh, keeping my head tilted down shyly as I look up at him. He looks back at me, and I can see something in his expression I can't quite name. "Do you drink, or are you lame in that aspect, too?" He laughs and bumps me again. I frown.

"It's not my thing. I don't like being... Compromised?" I furrow my eyebrows, trying to find the words to explain myself. "I don't... I don't want there to be any opportunity for me to be taken advantage of in any way." There's many meanings to this for me. Someone could easily pull a cruel joke on me, film me vomiting and post it online, take me to the bedroom. Josh's smile fades.

"Is there anyone in particular you don't feel safe around?" He asks. I see Chris's eyebrows raised in surprise as he listens in, his eyes moving between Josh and I quickly as if anticipating what would come next. I'm surprised, too.

"What do you mean?" I ask, shifting in my seat uncomfortably.

"If someone is making you feel unsafe they're not invited." Josh states. His eyes are widened slightly and He's staring at me with an intensity I've never seen before. He's dead serious. I scan his face quickly. "Just say the word, Jordan, and it's done." I gulp.

"I-"

"Here you go, kids. Pepperoni and bacon, fresh out the oven! Be careful not to burn yourselves," the waitress says. She's very peppy and beautiful, a heavyset woman with curly brown hair draped over her shoulders and lipstick that was much too red for most, but perfect for her. We offer our thanks as she walks away. I glance back at Josh, who seems to have completely forgotten the intensity he was just showing me at the mention of my discomfort. Chris looks just as surprised as I am.

The pizza looks and smells amazing. The pepperoni was still sizzling, the grease popping. Chris, Josh and I are drooling and I realize just how hungry I was. It seemed torturous now to have to wait for it to cool down to avoid injury.

"Anyways, Jordan," Josh starts. I look at him again. "You don't have to drink, or whatever, even if it does accentuate your... your lameness." I frown again. "But no matter what, if anyone makes you feel unsafe please let me know... I've got no tolerance for that sort of thing."

"Do you promise not to prank me over the trip?" I ask, moving so that my body is facing him as much as it can in the booth. He does the same, straightening his posture as our knees touch. He doesn't move away from me.

"What?"

"Because that's my biggest concern, Josh, honestly," I admit. He seems taken back, glancing at Chris as if for help. "I don't want to wake up with my mattress in the woods or with a snake in my bed or rats in my coat pockets." I try to sound stern. Josh makes eye contact with me and doesn't look away. I almost shy away, but I hold. His eyes scan my face, for what I'm not sure. But it makes me nervous.

"Guys, you're freaking me out," Chris gulps. "Can we please just eat the pizza?" Josh's lips form a thin, straight line and he sighs, finally looking away from me.

"If it would make you feel safer and more comfortable and have more fun," Josh starts, placing his right hand over his heart and raising his left. "I will not pull a single prank on you." Chris's jaw drops. I open my own mouth to say something, and Josh puts some pizza into my mouth. It was hot, but just cooled down enough to eat. "Now eat." His face is darker, a light red dusting his cheeks. As I take the pizza from Josh, Chris and I lock wide eyes, the both of us shocked.

"Thank you," I say. Josh shrugs, his expression one of frustration and mild embarrassment.

"Yeah, whatever. Don't think too much into it," he sighs, his head turned away from me in an attempt to hide his expression. "Just don't want you to freak out and ruin the mood for everybody else." Instead of my normal frown, I smile to myself. This time, I had the feeling that he really was just trying to hide that he cared about me just a little bit - even if it was solely because I was his best friend's cousin. The number one sign that this was the case was still evident as I glanced under the table at my thighs.

Our knees were still touching.

-----------

Hey y'all, thanks for your patience waiting for the update. I work a LOT and on my one day off I'm busy, too. I try to have at least 3k words per chapter, so it takes a bit longer. Anyways, thank you!

Taglist: @sc4rrc @mattymxmo @cellyx33 @jenepleurepasbaby @kalynnjonas @spinback-kiva @frankcastlesvest

[navstuffs]

Wonderful Surprise

Pairing: Husband!Leon Kennedy x GN!Reader

Summary: After a horrible day at work, you find a surprise at your job's doorstep.

Warnings: comforting leon, self indulgent, cute fluff, domestic!leon

Author's Notes: can you imagine just leaving work and seeing leon waiting on you outside???? 😭 to have dinner at your favorite restaurant?? gimme gimme please!! hope you enjoy your reading!

my leon masterlist

You look at the clock, frustrated. Time couldn't be passing any slower. It had been such an exhausting day, and you couldn't wait to get home, unwind on the sofa, watch your favorite tv shows, and eat a warmed-up old pizza. Alone, you thought. No call or text from Leon, your husband, in two days. 

You knew Leon was busy with whatever he had to do in those secret missions of his, and you didn't want him to worry about you, so you didn't disturb him, for more than you missed him. Leon did warn in the last message he could go M.I.A. Since then, something heavy has installed itself in your chest. 

It was always like that, anyway. You became useless at work, at home. You tried to use Leon's shirts to sleep or watch the silly videos he recorded for you in case you missed him.

It wasn't enough. It would never be enough. 

When it is finally time to leave, you walk toward the exit, checking your phone: Still no text messages. You sigh, typing that you would be leaving work and going home. That you loved him and couldn't wait to see him. For him to stay safe.

When you exit through the main doors, you first notice the sky. It is the start of the twilight, and it looks so pretty. You sigh, taking a picture. You may send that one to Leon. At least walking until the bus stop won't be so bad. If you want to get home soon, you must hurry.

You finally notice the man leaning against the building wall, eyes closed, hands in his pocket. Golden locks in front of his serene face, wearing his famous leather jacket. Standing there like an illusion.  

"Leon?" You whisper, mortified. As if he would disappear or it was just your imagination going crazy.

Leon opens his eyes at the sound of your voice, giving a smile, the first one in days. You wait until he walks closer to you and hugs you, a sigh coming from his mouth. 

"Hey, sweetheart," Leon whispers. Work had been horrible for him, and being unable to communicate with you made it much worse. Being close to you and feeling your heartbeat and presence instantly wiped all worries away. You are still frozen, not believing your husband is back. It takes you a couple of seconds before holding him back. Innahiling his smell and presence, all of him, "I missed you."

How much you missed his arms around you. His voice. His touch. You hide your face on Leon, not caring if you are outside work right now and anyone could see you. You can feel the tears forming in the corner of your eyes, and you hug Leon even more tightly. Leon wipes some of your tears when you separate, his eyes full of love.

"Wh-when did you come back?" You wonder as he checks your face, analyzing and admiring simultaneously. 

"About an hour ago?"

"Fuck Leon, I have been worried sick about you. Why didn't you message me?"

"I wish I could have. My phone is gone, sweetie. It was just - fucked up this time, I guess."

You let out a sigh, feeling guilty. Leon looks fine physically: no visible bruises, no cuts. But you know, the inside must be a turmoil. You could see the pain in your husband's eyes, a pain you recognize well. You don't overthink that now, just glad he is home, placing a hand on his chest, another one to rub his cheek. 

"I am sorry. Can we just leave?" You request, and Leon nods, holding your hand.

"Yeap. Just give me your car's keys, I will drive today."

"Wellllllll."

"What is it?"

"I didn't come to work by car. I came by bus," You admit, embarrassed to look at this face.

"Is something wrong with your car?"

"No. It is just...it makes the ride home longer. I tend to do that when you aren't here," You confess, feeling ridiculous. Then you quickly add, to not sound so desperate, "Also, it helps the planet, fewer cars in the streets, pollution, all of that!"

"My car is nearby, don't worry," Leon replies, his voice calm. 

"There is also something else," You add before you can start walking. Leon stares back at you, his expression going a little worried. "We might need to get dinner on the way."

You don't look at Leon for his reaction, worried he might be disappointed with you. And he has all the right to be since you had promised him you would do your best to take care of yourself when he was away.

"I see. Your favorite, then?" Leon simply asks, maintaining the same calm tone from before.

You look at him, grateful and nodding. You are just happy you can have him in yours arms again.

[diazsdimples]

Eddie listens to ABBA a lot after Christopher leaves. They were his Abuela's guilty pleasure band and they bring him such a sense of nostalgia and comfort. He finds a playlist on Spotify and puts it on while he cleans the house, singing along to the music slightly off key but he doesn't give a fuck. He's having fun, he's dancing to Waterloo and blasting out Chiquitita without a care in the world. But then he gets to Christopher's room, full of dust and musty, the bed still unmade from when he'd left. And the song changes, the previously upbeat music giving way to Slipping Through My Fingers and... he breaks. He falls to his knees in the middle of the room and cries harder than he has in years. He finds Christopher's old stuffed bear under the bed and clutches it to his chest. The music changes to My Love, My Life and the tears just keep coming. He misses his son so badly, it feels like a piece of his heart has been carved out of his chest. He can barely breathe from the pain of his boy being taken from him. The songs stop but Eddie doesn't leave, not even when there's a knock on the door and footsteps echoing through the hallway. He allows Buck to help him off the floor and get him some water. Slowly he begins to feel better, the emotions no longer boxed up and tucked away. They watch a show and eat shitty pizza and he slowly starts to feel more like himself. Buck doesn't push him to talk about what happened, but it's clear he knows. Buck misses Christopher too. They all miss Christopher.

[bitchlessdino]

MY BELOVED!! happy 3k you beautiful human!! ilysm <3333333

now, who would i be if i didn’t request multiple members and made it v biased? 😃 so i would like to request a woozi x seokmin x dino x reader fic in which they are all friends and maybe one or two of them live with mc and stumble across their dream-diary (woops) and see explicit dreams about them that they now want to make reality 🤭 make it as dirty and with as much degrading as you like giggles. i am normal!! i swear. LOVE U

Pairing: woozi x seokmin x dino x afab!reader

Genre: smut

Word count: 1.6k

tags: heavy degradation, mentions of unprotected sex and creampies, choking, oral (rec.), hair pulling, foreplay heavy

author note: ILY MITCHIEEEE and thank you <3333. a little taste of what we're getting into this staycation. I'm also trying to get back into the format of writing less is more so I sincerely do hope whose reading enjoys. and remember asks are open!

Tag: @shiningstar-byulxx @misssugarlips @tommolex @hoeforhao @honglynights @homerunhansol @dkakapizzaboy @junhui-recs @svtup @buffhoshi @meowmeowminnie @caratochan @lovebot4han @6969lilithcat @wonuhour @camisun93 @tommolex @emmmui @toruro

You’re a vivid dreamer. Your dreams are so vivid you wake up the next day recalling them as if they were actual events in your life. They can get so overwhelming, mornings are defiled with built-up sweat and other bodily fluids that soaks through your sheets. Unfortunately, many of these dreams just happened to be some of the “not safe for work” variety, getting you into the habit of leaving a towel under you before ending your day.

To make matters worse, you would replay these images in your brain until exhaustion–not without some restraint–making you feel guilty for the familiar faces that involuntarily got involved. Eventually, you realize you had to deal with these dreams one way or another.

Over the past few months of these types of dreams, you’ve kept a dream journal. It detailed some of the most intimate and out-of-pocket occurrences within your subconscious and for a while, it has helped take control of the situation. The wet dreams never stopped, but there is a bit of that reassurance that you’re able to process these images in a healthy manner. But none of these notes were ever meant to get out. Not a single one.

“I’m home with dinner! If I hear you’ve already eaten without me, Seokmin, I’m fighting you. You know I don’t like eating alone–what are the three of you doing?”

You watch your roommate and neighbors next door, Jihoon and Chan, scramble to hide whatever they had earlier within the depths of the couch cushions. You narrow your eyes at their suspiciously guilty faces before setting the pizza box on the kitchen counter and cautiously approaching them.

“Are you hiding something from me?”

None of them look like they would talk, probably in fear of your wrath, that was until one understood better than the others that there was no point in hiding the imminent truth. “I told them it was invasive!”

“Lee Jung Chan, you snitch!”

You glare at Jihoon for the animosity in his outburst towards Chan and in turn, it made the man go shrink in shame. “We didn’t know what it was at first,” he admits in a timid voice, “Seokmin thought it was a diary of you shit-talking us.”

“Way to throw me under the bus, bro!”

Now your eyes are shooting through your roommate, the one with access to your room at all times to borrow something with only the condition of him giving you a heads up. It just had to be the one day he decided to not ask that you forgot to properly store the journal away when you were leaving the apartment in a hurry for work.

He shrinks just the same as Jihoon before pulling the bounded book out, open to a page dated a humiliating night: the first night you dreamt of Seokmin fucking over the fire escape. You rip the book from his hands, fuming both in anger and mortification and clutches it to your chest. You are prepared to be mad, prepared to scream at them, foam at the mouth, but nothing would come out.

Instead, you feel like curling up in a ball and hiding away from the world, only ever leaving your room to eat or use the restroom. You don’t know what to do. You just feel naked.

All three men can tell underneath your silent frustration is shame, and they could feel more at fault. Seokmin is first to approach you, which makes you quickly retreat a step seeing how closer he got, but soon enough calm down by the caress of his hand over your hair, hearing him quietly apologizing again.

What none of them didn’t expect was for you to apologize, standing still in abhor of yourself for having such thoughts and even having all three make an appearance more than occasion. You admit your actions make you sick to your stomach. That you know in no way any of that can become a reality for you, that these dreams were simply disgusting, and you loathe yourself for having them.

They all grow silent, the air charged with the harshness of your words. It shocks them, rolling over to a state of bemusement and utter astonishment at how little you thought of yourself.

Seokmin peers closer at you, fingers threading over your hair. His gaze may be soft but pierces through you like sun rays on dry concrete. “Do you really think that?”

You can’t help but confirm, ready to defend yourself once more until Seokmin's hands are on your hips and his forehead kisses yours. There is a look in his eyes you can’t explain and you can’t help but feel weak at the knees, almost buckling from their sheer tension. His name comes out so softly from his lips, Seokmin can’t help but smile. 

“I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation���you have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“E-excuse me?” You attempt back up from the bank but are pulled by the waist, meeting his hips incredulously.

“I said, you don’t have a damn clue what you’re talking about.”

You’re able to pry yourself from him only to be met with the bodies of the other men you only realize now cornered you, becoming a makeshift pair of walls behind you. They share the same gaze Seokmin, all exhibiting this subtle darkness that turns your stomach inside out. It steals your breath. It speeds up your heart rate. A wave of vulnerability overtakes you and you are now surrounded by men who all knew already have a physical effect on you.

“How can we make that clear for you,” Jihoon speaks up, gliding a hand over your shoulder.

“Maybe the way to do it is to make those dreams a reality,” Chan joins, lips dangerously close to your neck.

You aren’t sure how things escalated the way they did. All you know is that split second you were entangled in a situation beyond the comprehension of involuntary self-manufactured imagery. Jihoon has you by the throat, platting with your breath take in as he kisses your lips feverishly. Chan kneads the fullness of your breasts, biting in your neck with conviction and desire while the sweat of his toned chest rubs against your naked backside. And finally, Seokmin has taken your legs between his face, nose pressing against your clit harsher the deeper he delves inside you with his tongue, understanding what your downfall tastes like.

Your mouth is stretched open in gasps, whines, and whimpers, and Jihoon manages to swallow every one. You inhale the stench of pure animal instinct and merely melt against the body behind you, not minding how his tight pinches and descriptive narration cease your lungs from expanding (as if Jihoon wasn’t already doing that enough).

“Is Seokmin eating your dirty little pussy well?” Chan’s low tenor sends shivers down your spine, making you squeeze your abdomen tight in response.

“Your journal was so interesting we couldn’t help ourselves. Sorry again. But not that sorry.”

Chan has always had a mouth on him but hearing him speak while everything was happening was pure sin. That’s what made the situation differ slightly from the dreams. The dreams were pure sex and no dialogue. You would think that made it dirtier, but it was missing what real-life Chan’s voice is currently giving: the whole picture.

“We’re only sorry a dirty little slut like you didn’t get the treatment you deserved until now.”

You can feel Jihoon’s smile against your lips as you let out a loud moan, causing him to dig his fingers a little harder against your neck, cutting harsher into your breathing. Chan chuckles, lips now trailing over your shoulders. “You like that, don’t you? Being called a little slut?”

You nod frantically, his pinches only getting tighter until his palms are whipped across your flesh. “You like that too, slut? I bet you’d like anything we do to you. Are we making you feel as good as you dreamt?”

Jihoon finally pulls away from you to let you answer, forcing you to face the younger man and squeeze the response out of you. “Well? You’re not gonna keep him waiting, are you, whore?”

His hand releases your neck and relaxes against it, now favoring your hair, in which he’s already wrapped around his knuckles.

“N-no, sir.”

“Then tell Chan what he wants to hear.”

You swallow your nerves down, turning into a puddle under the dark watchful of the eyes of the man in question and utter a soft “yes” and crumble in front of them to see and hear. Ripples of arousal go through you, clenching around Seokmin’s tongue when he finds your sweet spot. You clutch your chest as if a line of pearls are dangling off your collarbone, releasing your ivory nectar lining his mouth and taste buds. He moans into your heat, caressing your thighs. “Our needy mess tastes so good…”

You look back at him longingly, tempted by the glossy sheen of his lips, and Seokmin is quick to realize it. He connects your lips, pulling you from Chan to fall on top of him instead. “Such a fucking mess,” he mumbles, “need you cumming all over my cock…”

Chan’s hand slips through your hair as Jihoon’s nails grated over your ass’s flesh, you clench around nothing when they join you. Although they’d made cum once today, you severely doubt that it’d be the last. “I’m sure they’d love to be filled up with all our cocks. Isn’t that right?” Chan questions.

When you let out another weak “yes,” they join your weak display of need, pressing against parts of your body that only ache to be filled, ache to be ruined, ache to be stretched and pulled until your body is fatigued beyond comprehension.

“I hope you can handle it,” Jihoon comments in feigned concern, “handle us reusing you and take turns fucking our cum back into you, that is.”

Part of my 3K Follower StayCation!!!

[kcalsforhim]

˖⋆࿐໋ thursday 19th of december

⋆˙⟡

can confirm : worst day of my life. i woke up and i told myself, ur so sick and genuinely didn’t sleep at all, today food is your fuel. it’s a sad reality im shameful i really am, but you have to understand i needed to get to college today

at 4:50 am i had breakfast, i took no photos because i felt such deep shame, i was calling with eli and i remember saying that my tray looked like i was in recovery cause of the volume. i wanna cry just thinking about it. i didn’t count cause i knew i would end it all

breakfast :

some leftovers from yesterday, less than yesterday though.

1 slices of bread with chicken meat on it, also had ketchup and mayo.

a banana, 2 lotus cookies, and some kind of other sweet cookie thing

maybe 10 g of paprika potato chips ?

it made me feel bad eating, i actually really didn’t want to. i got dressed 3x slower than usual, everything hurt so bad. soso bad. i tried zipping up my jacket when i left the house and i literally couldn’t and i was so mad it woke my dad up and he zipped it up for me sigh…

i went to school and i fell asleep in the train, haku called me awake tho. i walked so slow haku later told me it actually pissed him off but he knew it couldn’t be helped…

during college i didn’t do much, i coloured some of my animation cause my hands were too shaky to continue on lineart, it all hurt so bad. i watched rupauls drag race with haku, which was funny

i went home and when i was walking i literally felt so terrible , just as terrible as when i fasted for 70 hours or when i started doing 500 cal omad at START WEIGHT.. that was so bad lol

we went to the amazing oriental and i got 2 onigiri’s and a sweet roll thing. the pack had 2 of those so i gave haku one. eli sent me some money so i didn’t feel guilty spending the money lol

then i went home in the train, and afterwards i took the bus cause thank lord himself i already had 10k steps by then and i still did get extra steps cause my busses changed and now the bus that stops the closest to my house is still 10-15 mins away

got home exhausted tired and barely conscious sadly. i had a little autistic meltdown trying to get undressed i literally broke one of the buttons on my jacket mmm..

dinner :

1 tuna onigiri, 1 salmon onigiri, one vanilla cream sweet roll thing

the onigiri’s were so good ! i love eating it super cold it’s delicious. the sweet rolls were like, super fluffy like cloud bread and the cream was so sweeeeet and delicious

dinner 2 :

3 1/8’th slices of pepperoni pizza, 2 kinder bueno sticks

yeah so i only wanted to eat the last kinder bueno we had, it was going to be a long time since i would have those again, im not buying myself anything like that unless my parents or someone else buys it for me of THEIR will, i will not ask anyone for it. but my mom got a bit upset at me and told me she didn’t believe i had food and urged me to grab something so i did i dont know why i didn’t make a fuss

i should’ve flushed it, but i felt so disgustingly defeated.. so i just ate it. i thought “fuck it, i already fucked up enough, might as well eat fucking pizza at this point”

i fell asleep soon after eating that, makeup on, lashes on, contacts in… i woke up at 12 am feeling refreshed. i cleaned my face and took out my contacts and i watched reels until 2 am. i couldn’t stop sending haku reels and he literally said “go to sleep” and i was like ahaha… okaay… so i went to sleep

im kind of disappointed in myself, but i also can’t blame myself. the day before i totally overdid myself running a whole ass marathon and then not getting any sleep it was crazy. i don’t know what possessed me… but. it’s fine. days start fresh i guess.

only the last thigh picture was taken recently, the rest are all just recents, and the before pictures were all taken in the high 70 kgs… 75-79 kg range… it’s all so terrible…

cals : N.V.T but too many sigh

steps : 12.1 k

love her

⋆˙⟡

[onyx66]

Random Metalocalypse Headcanons

It’s about time I make content for those idiots/aff 🖤🥰

Murderface loves anything with cheese. Mac n Cheese, grilled cheese, cheese pizza (with stuffed crust), cheese fondues, cheesecakes, you name it. He would slather them with extra cheese if he has too. Unfortunately, he’s lactose intolerant. But does he care? Hell no. Murderface just LOVES cheese.

His bathroom is gonna stink for the next few days. I feel bad for the Klokateer in charge of cleaning that.

If Nathan ever gets a pet crocodile, he’ll probably name it something cool like Jaws or Slash. But he’d also go for something more ‘cute’ like Buttons or Spots.

Skwisgaar vaguely remembers watching Moomins when he was a kid. It was when Toki bought a few Moomin plushies that he suddenly remembers a bit about the cartoon. He didn’t care about some kids show from his childhood but surprisingly, he stuck around when Toki infodumps about them.

Toki on the other hand, never saw Moomins as a kid. **cough cough** abusive childhood **cough cough** When he first heard of the Moomin park, Toki was excited to go there. It was when he find out that it based off a cartoon so he binged watched the whole series in one night. Now he won’t shut up about it when he wants to talk about Moomins.

Then Toki begged the rest of the band to take him to the Moomin park and Skwisgaar ended up giving in first.

After Pickles told his mom to go fuck herself, he did some thinking for a while and realised how fucking awful his mother was to him growing up and that he can never satisfy her no matter how hard he tries. So he finally cut her off. Thank god cuz his mom sucks

That didn’t stop Molly from pestering Pickles again. Whenever she tried to call him after that incident, Pickles has the klokateers block her number.

The same thing goes for Seth too. Pickles tries really hard to ignore his calls or block his number from Australia. But since Seth now works for them, Pickles had to end up paying him back even if he didn’t want to. He still had to this feeling he owes something to Seth despite knowing how much of a shitty brother he was to him.

Toki LOVES Squishmallows. He bought a whole collection of them for his bedroom until it didn’t fit his room anymore. His favourites are the cat and bunny ones.

Every Dethklok member is neurodivergent one way or another. Don’t change my mind.

Skwisgaar’s guilty pleasure music is ABBA but he would never tell anyone about it. But then Toki looked through his playlist and snitched on him to his band mates. They all made fun of Skwisgaar for a while.

Toki makes a flower clown for his bandmates once. They all complained that it’s gay but they all kept it on nonetheless. Toki also made one for Charles, Dick Knubble and Abigail.

Unsurprisingly, Murderface loves visiting antique stores and cabinet of curiosities. He particularly loves taxidermy, old artefacts and bone collections.

Nathan and Pickles competed against each other in a burger eating competition once but it ended in a tie since they were both too stuffed.

Will make a part 2 soon after I think of more headcanons

[monstersinthecosmos]

rainy green days remind me of working on ships in a way that feels so visceral and somehow overwrites every other rainy green day in my life; i don't remember how this happens every spring, maybe because i could stay inside on a rainy day, but on ships we are so desperate to be on land, to smell the earth, and it doesn't matter if it's pouring rain, you still go outside. you explore the port, because ship life is fucked up and hard and you have to make it mean something. it reminds me of working alaska, where things moved so fast and i was so stresesd, i'd be crying in my office at 2am on gala night, and it reminds of me eating stale pizza from under the heat lamp and slamming iced black coffees and getting to bed at dawn and feeling the rumble of the anchor room as we made it into ketchikan, and i think about how i'd debate if i wanted to get dressed and go upstairs for food, because i was allowed to eat the guest food if i was in uniform, but i wanted to go outside, so i'd have my big hoodie and my headphones and i'd walk around in the rain, and i'd think i should eat outside and experience the port better, but it was so much tourist food, $18 lunch entree, $20 bag of gourmet popcorn, and the time i went into a cafe to use the wifi and i bought a coffee but it turns out it's a restaurant, they only give the wifi password to people buying an entree, the entree is $30 for local seafood, they don't have to-go cups and my coffee is so hot i have to just sit there in silence and drink it and waste my whole hour outside on it, because it was expensive and i only make $2/hr and i'd feel guilty wasting it, but when i'm outside i stop worrying about work and crying in the photo lab and gala night and my douchebag misogynist manager and the argument we had about the b-deck storage locker.

anyway when it's rainy and green outside it reminds me of walking around alaska because i was so stressed i simply had to get off the ship, didn't care that it was raining, walked around ketchikan and got soaked and bought fancy lemon scented lotion that lasted me half the contract, and i remember drinking coffee one morning on the empty back deck in juneau when i was on IPM and wasn't allowed out, but the deck was so shiny in the rain and the mountain was foggy and it was so pretty just sitting there getting fresh air, and the guests don't want to sit in the rain so it was empty, and it was quiet and nice. and i remember going to the library in akaroa and going to an old cemetery in kirkwall after having expensive breakfast in a garden shop and taking a bus ride out to marlborough vineyard with a stop at a roadside chocolate shop listening to tool on my headphones watching the rain through the window thinking that the drive reminded me of eastern long island where i grew up and the time it was almost-raining-but-not-quite wandering around pago pago and it was so humid i felt soaked anyway and everything smelled like barbeque and there were chickens wandering around in the street.

sometimes it feels antithetical for stuff like this to remind me of ships because so much of ships was living inside a windowless metal room and the constant machinery hum that was white noise but sort of wasnt and the ship smell--the ship smell--that you get used to after a few days but now and then you notice it again, and cramming into the crew elevator with 10 waiters who all wear too much cologne, and the smell of photo chemicals and the motion sickness and the mind-cramping boredom of gallery shifts and the sense of being On all the time because you lived at your job and i remember my manager on my first contract who seemed a little scary but wound up being a close friend and how he caught me in the middle of a meltdown and told me i needed to go outside more because it's not natural to live inside metal and the time i let him use my uber account so that we could find an orthodox church in florida and go light a candle for his cousin that died and the way he crouched on the ground outside and pet the grass and said he missed being outside even though he was only two weeks into his contract.

it's weird that it's so lush and green outside today and i'm so excited about it, it's so pretty, i can't stop looking out the window and i keep pacing the house to go stand outside on the porch, and it reminds me of all of this. and like a lifetime of rainy days in spring somehow don't permeate my memory the way working on ships does, i guess because it mattered more.

[onlyancunin]

Hey guys,

a little update on my situation with my ex if anyone's interested. Gonna be a doozy, but there's just so much in my head right now and I know there might be some worrying about me.

Or maybe I'll just spark a bit of confidence in someone else ✨

You know how you get a pizza, all excited, try it, and it's not good? Like it was fine at first and hey, you were hungry, but with each bite it progressively got worse. Do you stopped after a piece or two or three. And just tossed out the rest.

But it was enough to give you a severe food poisoning. So you spend a good portion of the next however many days throwing up and not being able to meet with friends and family because you're too sick. And you're so frustrated, because the pizza wasn't even that good, and you didn't eat that much, but you're still unable to function??

So yeah, I got severe emotional poisoning from relationship with my ex. But after we broke up I got nowhere to go, and he agreed to continue living together, so that I can move out once I secure money for deposit and whatnot.

Never go for that.

Last Sunday ex threw another jealous fit at me, making me unable to work for another 2 days - and then he was off to holiday with his friends (which couldn't come quick enough, I literally counted hours for him to leave). That left me and severely poisoned, but also gave me opportunity to collect myself and regroup a little away from him.

3 days later I had a new place and just today I got the keys.

Coincidentally my post about him about two months ago sparked a friendship with someone from here (Tumblr is a country okay). She kept me together through all that and let me tell you this was fucking tantalizing. It's surreal how things can change in such a short time. Having her as a friend truly opened my eyes as to what a relationship is NOT, seeing how someone who was just a stranger a few months ago, today cared for me more than he ever did.

I gave myself up for scraps of attention and believed when everyone around was telling me he is "one of the good guys". He came from nice, big family, with stable finances, nice group of friends. A noble job, a paramedic, which always impressed my sorry graphic design/IT developer ass. Like the only thing I'm saving is oceans from existing with the amount of shit that's being produced partly by my designs. So it felt good to be supportive of the good person and finally have a family, since I do not have one of my own.

Which is probably why I took the break-up so badly, even if I initiated it. I felt incredibly guilty for letting everyone around down. Everyone loved him. And I mean everyone. The only thing I ever aired I discussed with people outside of our common friends, and those were the people who told me something doesn't add up. And as I started following my gut feeling (and had a speedrun to breakup by hurting my knee and needing help where my ex completely dropped the ball), he started acting up. Suddenly setting boundaries with his family was me being jealous over him even having one, I just couldn't understand apparently how I'll never be the most important to him. Me asking him to be here for me when I'm having a hard time was met with "You're having a hard time EVERY DAY!".

Essentially I just ruined his family visits, his vacation with my knee injury, his days with my bad moods etc. But he ruined one too many Sundays for me.

So here I am, packing my sh#t and planning what goes where because I know I will be thoroughly exhausted after all things are moved, so I need to plan ahead.

And I still throw up emotionally, sobbing every 10 minutes, I don't even know why anymore. I just cry until I stop and then I continue prepping for move.

It's just a bad pizza.

[lilithlowcal]

So,I fucked up again,I was eating non stop for the last two weeks I had a wedding in the family and yk MEDITERRANEAN WEDDINGS ,we just eat a lot .

But now I'm trying not to feel guilty, I'm going back on track, I have an internship starting from Monday and I'm going back to college and dorm life soon,maybe being busy again would keep me distracted and disciplined .

The thing about dorm life and living alone is that okay you're surviving on fast food and unhealthy things but well,that's not my problem,the good thing is that I'll be away from my family so I can skip meals and starve as much as I want , plus I'm planning on eating more from the uni's cafeteria,the food there is disgusting so it'll make me lose my appetite plus Im not repeating last year's mistake,I won't spend all my money on junk food,I'm just gonna get groceries more often, also I shouldn't cook pasta daily like I did last year, buying pizza for lunch is out too .

[foster-the-moths]

Do you also have something for Adam and Jonah friendship? You have said that Adam was Jonah's only friend but is there something else? Or maybe how Adam saw their friendship?

Sorry if I asked too much

YOURE FINE DW I LOVE TALKING ABT THEM!!!! i think that, like i've mentioned, adam is probably one of jonah's only friends and the only person that can 'tolerate' him. i feel like jonah probably wants more friendships but he's kind of scared to initiate them. every time he tried to be friends with someone in the past he was either forced into it, they weren't who they seemed, they lost contact, or something happened and he just couldn't bear to be around them anymore. at first he kept adam at arm's length until he realized 'ooh this guy is just as fucked up as i am' and decided hes gonna attach himself to adam like a barnacle until he tells him to fuck off. like adam just straight up told him everything so he knows what to expect, if this friendship crashes and burns, he feels no responsibility for letting it happen. but it doesn't happen, and for 2 whole years he has the most stable friendship hes had since elementary school or some shit. which he thinks is pretty pathetic but hey. he'll take what he can get at this point.

and on adam's side, he wants a solid friendship but he just seems to hurt anyone he gets close to and although he won't admit it, he feels REALLY guilty about it. he genuinely believes he is irredeemable, so he just stops trying at some point. i think that he feels like an empty husk most of the time and he is desperate to have a meaningful relationship with someone, but he also doesn't want to allow himself to have one. so he hides it. and then jonah just tears down all his walls and refuses to leave. and at first adam is kind of furious. he's trying so hard not to make the same mistakes and jonah is ruining his plan and he lashes out and. jonah doesn't even blink. because no matter what terrible shit adam could tell him, jonah already knows all of it. he knows he's pathetic and lazy and irresponsible and a million other things because the inside of his head is like. a constant 24/7 loop of self-loathing. and, like adam, hes just kind of accepted that maybe he is a shitty person, but doesn't mean he cant have fun with it. so adam finally lets himself have a friend. even if he's not even really sure if that's something he can really do, he's willing to at least humor jonah.

and its fantastic. they shoplift and run from the police and climb fences and fall off of fences and go to the er for broken bones. they eat stolen pizza out of the trunks of stolen cars. they fight over which radio station theyre going to play to the point that they have to pull over to avoid getting into a car crash. they scrape together what little money they have to get high on the worst strains of weed that are probably laced with something bc adam's face is melting and jonah is overcome with a primal, heart pounding terror but its pretty funny. and they both feel alive. jonah feels like he isn't running from himself anymore, and adam doesn't feel like he's walking on eggshells waiting to make a mistake that sends everything crashing down. and even though adam never says it, jonah knows he's having fun, and that's all that really matters at the end of the day. and, yeah, they have a LOT of issues but. i think if they were given the chance they would have been able to work through them.

basically. they are like edgy dollar store team rocket but they don't even have a meowth. or maybe its more accurate to say like. team dark from sonic but i don't really know enough abt sonic to say that. like the snapcube sonic dubs version of team dark. u get what im saying. not romantic, not platonic, not found family, but a secret 4th thing (wanted by the FBI).

[superstar-ve]

it’s 1 am and i can’t sleep so let me tell y’all abt my big back adventures at my granite a few weeks ago..

so in the morning (like 9 in the morning) i met up with my friends and we went to starbucks and i got a grande carmel frapp (basically fucking liquid cake 😭) and we walked to school for the bus .

i threw it out before i finished it because i started feeling guilty but i basically drank the whole thing 🐷

we got to disney and i didn’t have anything until around 2 my friend bought me a coke slushie (why didn’t i just at have water) ((also he owed me money it’s not like i’m using him)) and i drank every last drop because i have no self-control.

we had lunch at 5 pm at the pizza place in downtown disney and it’s was really good but i had THREE SLICES. let me explain. so the pizza is kinda small and it’s cut up into four slices. including me there were four people in the group so we all agreed that we’d get two pizzas and everyone gets two slices. (i really should’ve only ate one but i justified it because i wanted to celebrate my graduation.) anyway so we get the food and drink (my friend and i shared a coke but i didn’t really drink it bc i quit soda for a year for 2023 and ever since carbonation just rlly hurts my stomach) and tell me why they just didn’t eat at all ???

my friend that i was sharing w ate the two slices and i did too, but the other two basically didn’t eat??? even tho we all agreed on two slices each in the first place ?? one of the guys ate one slice and when we offered him his second slice he said we was okay and the other guy LIED ABOUT BEING LACTOSE INTOLERANT?? i’ve known you for three year U R NOT LACTOSE INTOLERANT

i basically pleaded w him to actually eat something cause he hadn’t eaten all day and was talking about how he was hungry the whole time we were at disney. after that my friend and i were stuck w the dilemma of do we eat the last to slices or throw it away. the reason why it was so serious is bc the same guy that paid for my slushie paid for everyone’s pizza and drinks and refused to let anyone pay him back (he tried explaining that he liked being i provider but lowkey i think he just likes my friend) so it was like do we just throw it away and let his $40 (too fucking expensive) go for waste or just eat it… obv i do what i always do and eat.

the coke i drank made my stomach hurt so fucking bad dude. i felt like it was cramping up and i was gonna explode.

around night time i bought a brownie from one of the shops cause i thought they were gonna heat it up it was gonna be good but it was not 😭😭 it tasted so fucking bad like those cheap chocolates you get from the dollar store or something. i think this was a sign from god telling me that i have to stop eating bc it’s literally not worth it 🧐🧐

there was a free coke station next to a coke dj (that’s a weird sentence) and the women gave me coke zero… another sign from god 🐷🐷

we met up w two other friends to go on rollercoasters with. it was funny tho cause one of them we walked past and out of all of us i think i’m the not that talks to him the most so like i waved at him and then two min later he came up to join us and he said it’s cause he was tried of watching them eat for two hours 😭

after that for the rest of the night i mainly hung out w him (also i gave him my gross ass brownie cause for some reason he liked it)

it was strange tho ,, not to be like narcissistic but i feel like he likes me cause whenever we would go on a ride he would always change where he was gonna go and somehow we’d always end up together on the ride. before gradnite ended he bought me a churro and we were suppose to split it half and half but he barely even touched it and told me i could have the rest. basically i ate the whole churro..

there were two busses and whichever bus u go in depends on ur last name. so him and i sat together while all of our other friends were on a different bus. and at some point it lowkey got romantic ⁉️🤨 omg this feels so weird to talk about 😭

during the ride back to school he started putting his watch on me. the first time he got that watch i was joking around w him and being like “oh let me have it” or something like that and he told me “lowkey i think my wrist is smaller than urs” HUMBLED ME FR

idk he was lowkey struggling to put it on me (NOT CAUSE IM FAT BUT BC IT WAS DARK) and i feel like that just added to the mood 🤨

something about its being 3am and watching him put his favorite watch on me in the moonlight and basically just holding my hand for five minutes cause he couldn’t figure it out rlly got to me 🧐

i tried giving him his watch back but he told me i could keep it and when we got off the bus he hugged me goodbye and in the moment it was fine but looking back on it i feel so self conscious

what if i didn’t feel small, what if he had gotten a feel of my rolls, what if my stomach had smoosh into him and suffocated him, what if he felt how big my arms are once i wrapped them around him.

i hugged other people goodbye after that but i tried avoiding it until they’re like “no cmon give me a hug” NO I DKNT WANNA GIVE U A HUG ULL FEEL MY DISGUSTING BODY

idk how many cals i has this day but i had 27k steps so hopefully it canceled out 😊😊

thank u for hearing my rant (nobody is gonna reads this)

[snoozingredpanda]

Random Facts/Headcannons (Benni, Nox)

GN!Reader

Warnings: mentions of alcohol, depression, abuse, swearing

—

Benni

• Girl’s addicted to apple juice. She will not go one day without a cup and will get grumpy if she runs out. Funny enough, she hates apples.

• She prefers candy to chocolate. Chocolate is too rich for her, and would rather just have a starburst or something.

• As I said before, is terrified of spiders. However, she will not kill them because she feels really guilty about ending anything’s life, even a small fly.

• Benni’s favourite film is A Dog’s Purpose. She bawls her eyes out whenever she watches it, the same with any other sad films with dogs.

• She is allergic to oregano and cats.

• She took an eight week language course just to learn how to tell her French neighbour to fuck off and stop stealing her mail.

• She accidentally walked into a nudist beach when taking the kid she was babysitting out on a walk. She has never run quicker in her life.

• Benni had a gecko called Herbert but it died cause she fed it too much.

• She has the urge to bite people a lot. Dunno why.

• She gets shy whenever sex scenes come on in films. Even if she’s alone, she’ll blush and hide her face in her hands.

• She’s a morning person.

• Works out a lot and eats as healthy as possible. She likes to take care of herself, but won’t mind skipping a day at the gym or eating pizza when she can’t be bothered to cook.

• Photography is everything to her. It’s what makes her happiest, snapping shots of beautiful landscapes and brilliant moments. She’s the top of her class and has even had famous photographers showing interest in her unique skill to show certain perspectives in a single picture.

• That being said, Benni hates having photos taken of herself. She says that she wants to only capture pretty things, which is stupid cause she’s the prettiest fucker alive fight me-

• Team Jacob.

• Ok that’s enough miscellaneous stuff.

• Now the more sad bit

• Benni struggles with alcohol. It’s been a problem for her since she was around 14; she needed a way to cope with her negative feelings and unfortunately alcohol was at easy access. She quickly became addicted and even though nowadays she drinks nowhere near as much, she still has days where she can’t help herself. She wakes up the next day hungover and guilty and ends up moping around for ages.

• She really wants to change. She manages to get sober for a few weeks, then falls of the wagon and ends up getting really depressed over it which makes it even worse.

• It’s not even like she’s an aggressive drunk or is problematic for the people around her. She just gets so down about everything that she starts to get certain thoughts which she knows she shouldn’t be having. It just makes her want to drink more for those few hours that numbs her mind.

• She’s lonely.

• She’s obsessive.

• She gets attached easily.

• If only there was a willing person who likes her yandere tendencies and can distract her from the temptation of alcohol…

• *cough cough* you right? *aggressive wink*

Nox

• Nox is left handed.

• She loves horror films. Especially gory ones. She’s never really grossed out, but can’t stand when there’s animals involved cause wtf kill the humans not the dog

• She works as a bartender but wants to do something else in the future, but doesn’t know what.

• She dislikes pretty much everyone just because.

• She has heterochromia, one eyes is a deep blue, the other an icy blue. It makes her stand out, which she absolutely hates.

• Nox has dyslexia and is ashamed of it.

• She can’t cook, but can bake. And she can bake good.

• She doesn’t like bright lights, or loud noises. Fireworks are a nightmare.

• She has an incredible spice tolerance. Whilst others would be sobbing, she’d just be munching away unaware she’d just consumed three ghost peppers.

• She’s terribly embarrassed about it, but she absolutely loves gardening. It’s just so calming, and she loves looking after her little flowers and veggies and cares for them so much they are her babies do not touch or she’ll put sand in your bed-

• Nox loves all animals, big or small. She even has a owl that she rescued when he was rejected by his mother. She named him Merlin. She doesn’t call him her pet, as she lets him come and go from her apartment as he pleases. She says it’s not fair to keep a wild animal inside as if it’s a budgie.

• She loves to play video games. She’s very good at them too. Her favourites are Pokémon, Cuphead and the Resident Evil series.

• She’s extremely ticklish. Like, to the point where if anyone were to touch her neck, she’d screech out and claw their eyes out.

• She prefers cats over dogs.

• Her brother’s name is Vincent. As much as she denies it, the two are very close and he’s probably the only person she feels comfortable around.

• She doesn’t really like kids. They’re annoying.

• She is not a morning person. And by that I mean she will backhand you if you try to wake her up before 9 am.

• Ironically, she has insomnia, so when she finally is able to get a bit of rest, and you wake her… she’s grumpy af.

• Nox and her brother were put in an abusive orphanage after their parents passed, and she had a horrible time there. That’s probably the main reason to her hateful and aggressive attitude, and her hephephobia.

• Nox is convinced she’ll never fall in love. She’s convinced she doesn’t need anyone.

• To translate: she’s scared.

• But she just needs a ray of sunshine to shine into her life.

• Could that be you?

[bellatrixxmarierose]

*ED Trigger warning*

I hate having an eating disorder. Everyone likes to think only thin and under weight people have eating disorders but that is not true I am 234lbs currently and although that is less than last week it’s still very much over weight for me who is 29 and only 5’2 1/2. I have been struggling with my ED since I was 16. Hell, I have struggled with how my body looks since I was a child literally I have always found my body disgusting and I was actually thin as a child up until I was about 14 in the psych hospital for suicidal tendencies they say the meds really fuck with your metabolism and I went from being disgusted with my thin body that I thought was huge to really truly hating myself because I gained weight. Even when I managed to finally lose the weight because of the eating disorder at 16 I still always thought I was not thin enough. I got it under control for a bit but still hated my body. It started acting up again around 19 up until I found out I was pregnant with my daughter all the weight came back and then some. I had my ED under control once again but still hating myself up until I got pregnant with my son at 22 it was acting up really bad while I was pregnant with him I really did think I was eating enough but the scale at the doctors office said otherwise I was either losing weight or not gaining at all at every visit it got to the point I had to be ordered to eat every 2 hours and be monitored to make sure I was eating enough for the both of us. After I had him I ended up weighing less than I did at the start of the pregnancy. I got my ED under control again and gained some weight again but then I ended up losing the weight again without realizing it while I was on certain medication but after they took me off them without warning it all came back and then some and my ED is acting up again and I went 5 days with no food at all last week because of it but because I just have to have acid reflux I was close to an ulcer and my cousin made me eat but I’m struggling so bad I feel guilty about every little thing I eat. I haven’t been able to finish more than a few bites of food because I feel so gross and want to cry. Until today since I am visiting family on Long Island and my grandfather got pizza and I forgot how big these slices are up here I was distracted while eating and ate the entire slice and all I wanna do is throw it back up but this apartment only has one bathroom and everyone would know and I just feel so gross I can’t take this. When will hating my body end? Will it stop after I reach the weight I’m aiming for or will I still think I’m not thin or pretty enough?

[sinnershavesoulstoo]

I'm bored, so I'm just going to answer these.

1. My biggest insecurity is my body. Mainly my weight. I go to the gym, I've stopped drinking soda unless I'm eating pizza or popcorn. I have extra weight in my armpit area and I hate that. I also hate my breasts and how wide my shoulders are.

2. Oh. That's basically the same. Knowing what I know now - I'll change number 1 and non-physically - my living situation and not being able to drive.

3. I don't feel like I'm changing much as a person and I don't like that. I'm working in it really hard, but keep feeling like I'm doing a back slide.

4. Drive and be an adult

5. I have all three oops

6. I was born and raised in the same place I'm living now. Lameville.

7. Like worst case scenario: I think people believe I'm annoying and hard to deal with. I think they talk about how desperate I am and how they don't actually like me and how they're just tolerating me. Questioning everything I do and have done. Just thinking I'm not good enough and they're a moment away from dropping me. Realistically: They probably don't think much of me. They worry about me in my bad days, but idk what they think on my good days.

8. Honestly, no. Both of my parents are crap, my grandparents are mid, my sister is full of herself. I have one friend. He's stressful though. Maybe my boss? But less intense.

9. Literally, everything makes me feel guilty. I never stop. I wish I knew how to cut it off. I think I need to apologize for everything all the time.

10. Most of my hobbies are boring because ADHD. Unless I'm hyperfocused on it - it's boring.

11. It depends on the people. I like myself the most when I'm around the guy at work. There are some things I don't like when I'm around him - but I'm the most me around him. Most people I have a specific personality for. I truly want to be me around him, but calmer.

12. I have tentative plans for the future. Because I don't really know what's going on, they change all the time but usually have the same end. If I'm picking the same end, then I must like parts of it.

13. Honestly, my biggest secret is how much I like the guy at work. But it's not a secret because all of you already know that.

14. I've never understood the word petty....uhhhh. I peed in my moms (ex) boyfriends favorite cup. Is that petty?

15. I get wanderlust for anywhere I can be alone. Flower fields, waterfalls, hikes I've been on one or twice. Cold beaches.

16. I prefer men, but I'm not mad about women.

17. 2

18. Absolutely not lol

19. Yes 👀 I need to swear less

20. 1 older sibling

21. I probably didn't HAVE to hurt anybody emotionally. But I bet I have.

22. I'm sensitive af - so yes. My emotions are hurt literally all the time. I bet before the 100 questions, my emotions will be tested.

23. My beliefs in the afterlife are complicated. I'm 80% sure it exists in some manner.

24. I'm naive so most lies lol

25. I consider myself poor.

26. I only have one tattoo. So I guess that one 😂

27. I have...one outside of work friend. I've known her 7/8 years and I can talk to her about basically anything. I don't tell her my problems though. I have work acquaintances. I mostly just fuck off with them. I have internet friends and it's mostly just likes every now and then. And the guy from work gets a separate category.

28. My job is.... fine. I build stuff for airplanes. It's easy. But stressful and I'm not a huge fan of some things going on there.

29. In my dream world, I want to get married and be in love with one person. I want to have and to hold till death so us part. But...I don't think I'm enough for people to want that from me.

30. Myself. I don't deserve it. But more so - my parents. Because they did a shit job and I just recently got to the point where I'm angry about it, so I'm not ready to forgive them.

31. What am I looking forward to?

32. I would try to instill a better sense of self-worth. I would build my confidence ag a younger age. I would buy a car and keep it.

33. Pink, in mose contexts. Green/blue to wear.

34. Unpopular opinion...I live in the south and i hate sweet tea. Here that's the most unpopular opinion I could have.

35. I haven't read a book in a while 😬 but I read And The Trees Crept In - it was really good. And there's a moth book from Stephen King and his son that I read and was thinking about.

36. A favorite book. Yall. This is too hard because the amount of information I can retain is insanely low. So have low expectations for these next few 'favorite' questions.

37. The Laughing Heart by Charles Bukowski

38. Tangled?

39. Song is too hard because I listen to such varied stuff. Right now though, Tourniquet by Zach Bryan.

40. Food...potatoes? Because you can eat them so many ways and I'm psrt hobbit.

41. Long noodles freak me out because they make me think of worms. Pudding...I hate that texture. And sometimes rice because it makes me think of worms.

42. I'm missing independence and closeness. I know that sounds like they should be opposites. But I don't have independence from my family, but I miss being physically close with people.

43. I don't feel like a human most of the time and I don't really like it when people refer to me? So I've never really thought about it.

44. Earliest dream! I always have this on deck. I don't know how old I was, but it was before I was 10 years old. I used to have a recurring dream about getting scared and running into my moms room, but there was a black hole of sorts at the foot of her bed, and I had to try to hurdle it.

45. The most recent dream I remember (I have a dream journal on my phone, so I'm going to copy paste it):

I dreamt that we were having a 'party' at work and there were cookies and half of our department didn't know about it because they were new. There were two new guys, both cute lol

And I was in the 'party room' with [the guy at work] and was like where is everyone, do they know? And he told me they didn't and I offered go go get them and [the guy at work] seemed irritated that I wanted to do that. So I went any way and the two guys were flirty and a girl was also there and she had a grey cat and an orange cat and an orange and white cat because we can have cats at work now? And I was taking all 3 of them up to get cookies. But a girl coworker refused to come with me. So I was just flirting and having a good time. I kept giving the girl cookies from a box I had stashed and when we got back to the party room [the guy from work] didn't seem thrilled. And he wouldn't speak to me for the rest of my dream.

46. I don't usually have "beautiful" dreams. Just creepy or confusing ones.

47. No lol

48. Yes

49. Contradictally- yes

50. A dream job where money matters: working from home, being able to do four 10 hour days, or even three 12 hour days. Doing something that is super easy, but probably also boring, but that pays well. I have a medical coding degree and certificate, but I don't use it. Where money doesn't matter: some type of...cat adoption café. Like I'd own one. And I'd make pastries and have someone make coffees and we'd have older cats who have been waiting to be adopted for a while. But no more than 10 at a time that way they could get a respectable amount of love. And I'd live into the upstairs apartment with my spouse and we'd take care of the cats and take care of the people and love each other and be happy.

51. Both? My relationship with religion is...complicated? I believe in God and a higher power, but logically I know that the Bible was translated in a time of misogyny and white men trying to make people follow their rules instead of what was actually going on.

52. I listen to music or podcasts. It also depends on what I'm calming myself down for.

53. The most annoying thing that happens to me regularly. Not being able to form a cohesive sentence when I want to sound smart.

54. I guess rural?

55. I wish I could play instruments or speak different languages or have better rizz.

56. I did well in school

57. I can't pronounce my Rs whenever I'm upset or talking too fast. I went to speech therapy for it for 5 years and I'm usually good about it, but stress fucks me up.

58. I live a pretty calm life. I was in a really bad car wreck with my family when I was younger. I didn't understand the implications then, but looking back it was really bad.

60. Early

59. I guess my happiest memories are being at the lake with my aunt and grandpa. Most outdoor activities I look at fondly.

61. Basically everything I do is a quirk?

62. Depending on the definition of clean slate - yeah. I wish I'd never overshared with some people and I wish I could be re-introduced to them to see if we'd still mesh without me overstepping boundaries. And with my health that'd be cool and like...if I could pick a tike to go back to, to start over - absolutely yes. I just feel like...some times I'm really hard to deal with and I don't like the impression I give people of myself. But if I were to just change my entire demeanor and way I act around them, it would seem not genuine and they'd be more confused about why my personality changed so much.

63. I'm paranoid all the time. This truthfully feels like a BPD questionnaire.

64. I believe in human souls, yes. I believe that souls are energy. And because energy never dies, the souls are just hanging out waiting for their next chance to become a body. Originally, the energy came from a higher power and the afterlife bureaucracy.

65. My initial reaction is to say 'being too trusting' - but that wasn't the problem. The problem with that was some people aren't as trustworthy as you'd like to believe. I love being trusting because it opens a lot of doors and other things for me. Uhhhh....gravy?

66. Supernatural, Harry Potter (unfortunately), Sherlock, Twilight, Star Wars, The Mandalorian, by Fandom are we just talking what I'm a fan or or what I'm a super fan of? Because I love most things i watch lol. The Last Kingdom, Game Of Thrones, Shameless, Skins, FRIENDS - I could go on but??

67. I've had this one so long I can't quite remember. I think it'd be cool if there were a backlog of sorts to tell you. I did like [noun/adverb/adjective]on/in[planet] for a while and kept changing it. I vaguely remember something about dancing and something about Jupiter. It might have been dancingonjupiter but, again, I've had this url since at least 2016.

68. I lie all the time? Mostly to my mom because I've found its just easier to get along that way. I also lie to people about my feelings and how I'm truly doing because ✨️ trauma ✨️ and I believe people don't actually care about what's going on because innately humans are just selfish. Like. Usually when people ask how you are, it's for small talk reasons. Also a lot of the time I'm not actually sure how I'm doing. I have just gotten so used to reading people and seeing how they want me to be doing, that I just respond with that.

69. (nice) yes and no - I want more positive attention.

70. No lol

71. Yes. It's a crazy mess and I get really worked up about it and I'm just one person, so I'm not sure how much help I'm being but I'm trying.

72. My mom. My house. It's about even.

73. Debit or cash

74. Jane Goodall? I'm not really smart, so I can't just pull historical figures out of my head. I'm not really sure who all is out there and who all has done great things.

75. Planet Terror. I don't know where that came from. It's the first movie that popped in my head. Also Hallmark Christmas movies.

76. Yes? Honestly question- who doesn't?

77. I've only had sex with two people, and neither were...explorative or great. So I'm not really sure. I also am not sure about 'kinks' - is it just something you like or something you have to have to get off?

78. Being myself.

79. Trinkets people give me. Because it makes me feel warm inside that someone cared enough about me.

80. Usually, no. I'm not really doing anything to be proud of. I'm just living my life. Guy at work tells me he's proud of me all the time for just continuing to live my life, but it doesn't seem like an accomplishment to me.

81. All the time. Look. I don't like who I am as a person and I don't feel like I'm good enough or enough in general.

82. I usually don't? I mentioned in a question above about it. If I'm feeling pure shit, like when I'm near the fringe - I'll tell the guy at work. We have an understanding.

83. Yeah lol because it takes the guesswork off my end. I'll just say what they guess is right.

84. Like yes and no. I'm learning that not everyone's baggage is my problem. So I try not to make it a super huge worry.

85. What kind of interview questions do I answer to myself. If I wasn't the way I am, I wouldn't understand this. But I constantly do the what are your weaknesses and strengths. Because it's a trick question. And your weaknesses have to also have strengths behind them.

86. The hopeless romantic in me says my true love.

87. I think so because we'd both just be trying to make the other one happy. We'd be in an endless loop of 'oh no, you can have it'

88. Math. Big words.

89. Too hot

90. The 20s? I like the dresses.

91. I'm a Virgo and like sure a lil - but my birth chart has more than just the one sign.

92. 👀 lol

93. No not usually

94. For a long time I'd been waiting for someone to save me. But I'm going to have to do it on my own. I still have a small crack in the door, in case someone wants to help save me.

95. This is so gross. It's the guy at work. It's the closest I've been to someone in a very long time.

96. No not really.

97. I don't really have a favorite word?

98. I don't think I'm super interesting. I go to work, come home, eat, sleep, go to work....you know.

99. Again, gross - but guy at work. Because I feel like in our relationship he knows me fairly well because I never shut the fuck up. But I wish it was more of a two sided because I feel guilty oversharing all the time, but he always tells me he likes that I overshare.

100. No

101. How i don't know what I'm doing and how I wish I did. How I wish I had a better grasp of what to do. I don't know how to buy a car and I don't know how to act around people. Because my mom sheltered me so much and I just stay at the house most of the time and I'm never doing anything unless she's there. And I wish I could get out of here and live my life. I want to find someone who loves me the way I love people, but it seems unlikely and I'm worried I'm just going to live here and die here and end up just like my mom. Old, alone, and resented.

101 curious questions. Let’s talk.

What’s your biggest insecurity?

What’s your biggest physical insecurity?

Do you like the person you feel like you’re becoming?

What’s the one thing you feel like everyone knows how to do except you?

Do you suffer from anxiety/depression/PTSD/other?

Where were you born?

What do you think people say about you when you’re not around?

Do you look up to anyone in your life?

What makes you feel guilty? How do you resolve it?

What’s your boring hobby (that you still enjoy anyway)?

Do you like who you are around people?

Do you know what your plans for the future are? Do you like them?

Tell a secret.

What petty event are you still embarrassed about?

Do you get wanderlust? Where do you want to go?

Romantically, do you prefer men, women, both, any/don’t care, or are you aromantic?

How many parents do you have?

Do they get along?

Do you swear?

How many siblings do you have? Where are you in relation to them?

Have you ever had to hurt anyone emotionally?

Has anyone ever hurt you emotionally?

Do you believe in an afterlife?

What lies do you believe anyways?

Would you consider yourself poor, average, or wealthy?

What does your favorite tattoo mean to you? Or if you had to get a tattoo, what would it be? Why?

How many groups of friends do you have? How do they vary?

Do you work? If so, what do you do? Do you like your job?

Do you want to have a partner for life?

Who have you never forgiven? Why?

What are you looking forward to right now?

If you could change one thing about your past, what would it be?

What’s your favorite color in context?

What unpopular opinion do you have?

What’s the last good book you’ve read?

What’s your favorite book?

Favorite poem?

Favorite movie?

Favorite song?

Favorite food/type of food?

What kind of food activates your gag reflex?

What do you feel like you’re missing from your life right now?

If you could choose your own name, what would it be? Why?

What’s the earliest dream you can remember having?

What’s the most recent dream you can remember having?

What’s the most beautiful dream you can remember having?

Do you have a car? What kind is it?

Are you afraid of death?

Have you ever attempted to take your own life?

Describe your dream job?

Are you religious/spiritual?

What do you do to calm yourself down?

What’s the most annoying thing that happens to you on a regular basis?

Do you live in an urban, suburban, or rural area?

What’s the one talent you wish you had?

Do you do well or struggle in school?

Do you have a speech impediment?

What’s the most terrifying thing that’s ever happened to you?

What’s the happiest day of your life you’ve ever had?

Early, on time, or late?

What quirks do you have?

Do you wish you could start tomorrow with a clean slate? Why/why not?

Do you ever get paranoid?

Do you believe in human souls? Where do you think they come from?

What’s one mistake that you’ll never make again?

What fandoms do you belong to?

What are your old URLs?

How often would you say you lie? Why?

Do you like the kind of attention you get from other people?

Are you in a relationship? What’s your favorite thing about your partner?

Are you concerned about the environment?

What stresses you out more than anything else?

Credit, debit, EBT, or cash?

Who’s your favorite historical figure?

What’s that movie you know is bad but enjoy anyways?

Do you masturbate (be honest)?

What’s your kink?

What’s one thing you don’t feel comfortable doing around your friends?

What’s your most prized possession?

Are you ever proud of yourself?

Do you ever tear yourself down?

Do you ever tell people how you’re feeling?

Do you like when people guess how you’re feeling?

Are you worried about someone close to you? Why?

What kind of interview questions do you answer to yourself?

If you could meet anyone, living, dead, or unborn, who would it be?

If you had a clone of yourself and the two of you didn’t have enough resources, would you get along?

What kinds of things confuse you?

Do you feel too hot or too cold more often?

If you had to live in any past time period, which would it be?

What’s your sign? you feel like it matches your personality?

Do you believe in astrology?

Do you like extreme activities, like white water rafting, surfing, roller coasters, etc.?

Are you waiting for someone to save you?

Can you remember the last time you made a deep personal connection with someone?

Do you like where you grew up?

What’s your favorite word?

Would you consider yourself an interesting person?

Which people in your life do you wish knew you better?

Are you okay?

What’s been going through your mind lately?

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

sacred pizza

I dreamt of my grandmother

how she was and not how I have been remembering her

the last time I saw her was at my aunt's funeral

she was upset because she felt my grieving uncle

and the entire funeral procession weren't

giving her enough attention

I remember being so disgusted and feeling guilty for it

that was pretty much how I felt around my family of origin

just fucking disgusted and feeling guilty for it

in my dream I got into a car with her

she was in her eighties and full of life

I had brought an offering of pizza

and we both ate it in the backseat

she was telling me all about playing softball

even in her nineties she had to do things

her spirit and energy was always wild and vital

her focus was often negative and judgmental

but I remember always finding a way to make her

acknowledge that things weren't so bad

I remember a story my grandfather told

where she'd won a bike from a gas station lottery

and even though that bike was clear across town

she was adamant that she was going to drive it home

I can just imagine my grandfather in the car behind her

I remember the love he had for her

he was absolutely crazy about her

and she nearly killed herself taking care of him

she missed him so much when he was gone

when she died I had a dream about them together

and it put something inside me to rest at that time

I still have the taxidermy fox she made him buy

and I can just imagine the conversation

because my grandfather was a very stoic man

who wore a freemason's fez and still looked stoic

and not ridiculous which is actually impressive

he was very responsible with his money

and he raised my mother like his own

I don't know how he raised my uncle

and I can imagine him with his serious expression

looking at my grandmother with exasperation

"what the fuck do we need a fox corpse for?"

and her giving him a look that likely meant his loss

to whatever logic the conversation called for

and saying quite simply, I need it

and that man reluctantly pulling out his wallet

like I watched him do grumbling so many times

and purchasing the fox that sits on my dresser

and every day makes me feel less alone

if I get caught up in feelings of being lonely

they were the ones who taught me about money

I still remember going to the bank on the weekend

adding money to my little kid's account and getting

a coupon to rent another horse movie

or go get something to eat at a local restaurant

there was always a lollipop and I was taught early

how to be responsible for my money when I had it

maybe that's where the shame comes from

I put my trust in someone I thought would keep my finances

and payments and everything safe and taken care of

and when they decided to stop I didn't take them over

I was so overwhelmed by everything else I was doing

and he couldn't remember the passwords and kept changing them

and I wasn't able to focus on anything long enough

to get organized and take back my responsibility

and I suppose yesterday was the beginning of doing that

she came to me as I remembered her

and I have more wonderful memories with my grandmother

in childhood than I do as an adult who remembers

a very old woman who just wanted me to be in her life

and was willing to use whatever guilt and manipulation

she could to keep me there

for her the ends justified the means

and I get her perspective

but fuck anyone who tried to cage me in shame

even a beloved grandmother

I threw all those letters in the fire and kept the fox

she's not looking at me from the other side

waggling a finger at the fact that I was too scared

to face yet another example of a recent betrayal

she's placing a hand on my shoulder

and telling me to keep stepping forward

and I am while facing all the anger and sadness

that comes with the ruin of trust and the injustice of it

again I feel so much disgust and I'm guilty for it

no wonder she showed up in my dreams

because the cycle to end is likely the feeling of disgust

and being able to accept all the feelings that lead to it

without feeling guilty for all the negativity I feel

around a situation that shouldn't have fucking happened

but it did and now I have to clean up the mess

another fucking mess of a man who never cleans up after himself

and doesn't mind what he ruins in the process of that

it can't be fun being trapped in a house with an angry scorpion

you just never know when that tail is going to come out

maybe I'm not looking at my opportunity right

because he's just as trapped as me

and while I do everything I can to keep civility

I have to confess that it's fun to make him uncomfortable

if I'm going to be uncomfortable then we both are

except I happen to be an excellent storyteller

and I just can't keep my mouth shut about any of it

I'm not a failure for being fucked up financially

I just deeply and depressedly feel like it

and maybe I kept tripping myself up to move forward

because I knew the minute I had income

I'd have to start cleaning up something

that he promised to take care of and didn't

and only one of us really suffered for it

but now that he can't just cut and run

and leave me in all of it

I guess both of us are suffering now

isn't it fun?

I told him recently that if he hadn't decided to just

randomly drop all my bills from his money management

during his documented cycle of devaluing and discarding

that he or I would find it far easier to leave and move on

I asked him if he enjoyed the irony of that

and he mumbled something about me lacking responsibility

and I feel my soul burn with so many creative ideas

but none of those solutions will actually help me with

my current problems and likely cause more

so I will just keep solving things

step by step and build back my confidence

when I take something on I do become very responsible for it

and I'll do the same for this situation

and I will not make it worse to make myself feel better

I will not make it worse to make myself feel better

no matter what chaos is whispering in my ear

karma is not about justice it's about balance

and this situation was very imbalanced

so I trust the universe to balance it how it will

and I will not make things worse to make myself feel better

I will not make things worse to make myself feel better

thanks for visiting, grandmother

I'll take care of this shit and move on magnanimously

or at least give it my best effort to and not listen to chaos

I will not make things worse to make myself feel better