#just drifting around and doing the work necessary to survive but not much more than that

[pangur-and-grim]

HMMmmmm I'm considering doing a certificate program at my local university.

my formal education is all in illustration and evolutionary biology, whereas my writing knowledge has been mostly self-taught from reading books and thinking "hey, wouldn't it be funny if I made one of those!"

I don't think 'having a certificate' would help me in any way re: waving my education around for clout points, but it might make me understand books better. and also it'd be nice to be back in a class environment, where I might be able to make writing friends.

the cats have definitely skewed my idea of what's affordable though, because I'm looking at this like "hey, that's less than a Pangur hospitalization bill 😊"

[yaut-jaknowit]

Can you pls make a yautja x AMAB! reader fanfic with body worship? (Specifically the readers thighs.. :›)

ALSO I LOVE ALL OF UR FANFIC S RAHHHHHHH

Worship My King

Pairing: Uihoy (Male Yautja) x AMAB!Reader

Warnings: bondage, mlm, lots of dirty talking, soft sex, hand job, thigh worship,

Word Count: 2148

Summary: In confines of Uihoy's ship, the Yautja is on his knees to worship you. He's got you restrained, at his whim. You are his to play with, to love on.

Author Note: Thank you so much! I'm so glad you're enjoying them. That's what I'm here to do!

P.s. I'm working hard at requests. I had to close my ask box as well because I hit about 15 requests. Sorry but it was necessary.

Masterlist

Ao3

Worn hands knead the flesh that made up your thighs. Bump followed in their stead. Your legs shook, trembling with effort to stay open. As much as you desperately wanted to snap them close and trap those gorgeous, purple hands between them; Uihoy wanted you to keep them open. Be good for him. A good boy.

The heat stopped just shy of the apex of your thighs. A keen built up in the back of your throat. You struggled against the intricately ropes wounded around your arms, all the way to your shoulder. They completely retained you, leaving you at the mercy of whatever Uihoy willingly gave to you for his pleasure.

From his spot between your shaking thighs, Uihoy rose on his knees, hands leaving your body to rest on either side of your head. The large male had you trapped at his will on his ship, in his bed. Uihoy leaned down, covering you with his shadow as he deliberately moved his mouth next to your ear. His warm breath tickled your delicate skin. You shivered.

“Good boy, keeping legs open for Uihoy,” he rumbled into your eardrum. The brass voice caused your forgotten cock to twitch on you abdomen. Left untouched once he removed all clothing from your form and tied you up.

A hot, blazing tongue grazed along your jawline and slid away once at your chin. Your hands clenched at the fur blankets laid beneath your jittering body. The unreleased energy sizzle behind flushed skin. Uihoy placed a hand around your neck and squeezed just a minute fraction of his strength. The way you cried out, shaft jumping up was a sight to consume.

Pre-cum leaked out, leaving behind a white trail on your skin. Uihoy’s eyes locked onto yours before maneuvering himself, slowly crawling backwards till his head was hovering above your belly button. You watched with rapture as the male lowered himself, gaze locked onto you. Time slowed. His tongue slithered out and lapped at the pre-cum, muscle curling to bring it into his mouth.

The sight had you fighting the restraints harder than before. Anything to make him take more, do more to you. But he’s hunter that’s perfected the patience needed to survive in this universe.

His hand tightened significantly and pinned you to the bed. “Still, little one,” he demanded, sight still focused solely on your face. Trapped, your chest heaved with shuttering breaths. Yet, you didn’t listen.

With a short groan, the purple male crawled back up your body and crowded you to the bed. His face invaded yours, pink muscle flickering out to taste your skin. He settled some of his weight mindfully on top of you but careful to keep your weeping cock untouched. “Said to still, Treasure,” he hissed out with a little more force than before.

Your wide eyes peered into his. “Please,” you begged airily, pleading for something more than fleeting touches he offered. Uihoy chuckled with his brassy voice and rested his forehead on yours.

The grasp on your throat fell away for it to only drift down to your nipples. The added stimulation had you biting at your bottom lip to stop a pathetic from tumbling its way out. “What’s wrong, Treasure?” he taunted with honeyed tone. Both of your thighs locked at his sides. An attempt to pin him to you. Anything to gain friction to your abandoned shaft that red and angry. A prominent vein popping out.

All he had to do was rise to his knees, place a hand on your own, and spilt your legs. The strength he used was nothing compared to what you’ve seen him exert. Like it was nothing to him.

“Pauk, look at little one.” His hand hovered mere millimeters above your cock to the point you could feel his heat washing off of him. “Look in need for Uihoy. Poor little thing.” It hurt so bad in a good way when he brushed his coarse thumb along the underside of your weeping member.

And the pitiful cry he received was music to his ears. Your cock was abandoned all over again. His hands returned to your chest and left goosebumps in their wake once more. Underneath him, you kept squirming for any attempt for his hands to return south at where you needed him the most. But the hardened warrior focused solely on your torso.

Sharp and lethal talons ran across fragile skin. One wrong move could slice the flesh wide open. Your muscles bulged at the feeble attempt to break free from the strong bonds. The amount of pressure you put on them caused pain to buzz in the back of your head. That was the last thing you could care about though.

A massive grin was pinned to Uihoy’s face at the sight of your struggling. Your legs trembled as they were lifted to curl in on yourself. One of your thighs trapped your cock which in turn gave friction. Your eyes rolled up at the new, relieving sensation. You didn’t stop, hips rutting weirdly, barely enough, but a way to gain any friction.

All of that was stopped when a pair of massive, strong hands each of your thighs from the middle and spilt them open. They were swiftly pinned to the bed under the weight of Uihoy. Said male cocked his head with an honey, concerned look. “It seems there was a lapse of judgment. These handsome thighs… need more attention.”

Uihoy curved his spine and began to lay a line at the start just below your knee of kisses. From there, he slowly created his own path to the apex of your thighs. A bundle of hope bloomed in your chest until the mandible kisses resumed on the other side. You could sob at the lack of anything more than teasing from your mate. He wasn’t giving you anything more than fleeting touches and whispered promises. You groaned in frustration and jutted your hips up in protest. But the stern hand holding down your thighs prevented the riot.

The Yautja tilted his massive head just enough to peak at you from underneath his brows. “Does little hunter know what do to Uihoy?” he purred then shifted forward enough to grind the bulge in his pants against your thigh. A light bulb appeared over his purple head. “Pauk… theses thighs would look so good wrapped around Uihoy’s cock.” He ran his claws down the inside of your thighs. “Isn’t that right, little hunter?” And you keened in response. Anything to get him to touch you. Properly.

“Yeah, of course, little one would. Desperate for anything, even if Uihoy shoved cock down that tight throat… but that’s not what Uihoy wants. No,” he trailed off softly and focused back on your thighs.

Once he scooted back enough to bend over, your mate laid kiss after on your bare skin. It took you a moment to think through the clouds but come to realize, he’s loving on every mark on your thighs. Even ones you’ve gained before knowing they existed.

Your chin was buried into your chest while you watched with rapture. Uihoy went over each scar or stretch mark that marred your flesh with care that lover would give. And fuck, if that didn’t make you ready to burst, then you didn’t know what.

His hands drifted back up on the underside of your thighs before stopping at the swell of your cheeks. In the cloudy fog clogging rational thinking, you didn’t pay attention to what they were doing.

A pink tongue slithered out and followed the curve of a particularly long scar on the inside of your legs. The memory of how badly that had hurt flashed to life but was swiftly shooed away at the gentle love Uihoy provided.

“Love,” you sputtered, muscles straining to fight him. “I, I need you.” It wasn’t hard to admit that but a new wave of heat burned your face.

Sweat prickled at your forehead the longer this went on without relief. Uihoy loved, licked, kissed at what flesh that made up your thighs. The male took his wonderful time.

Every time you attempted to push against him for something more, he only had to slightly flex his arms and release a minute snarl. One he sounded off when his fingers ghost next where your balls rested and you jutted up for more. “Fucking hell Uihoy!” you snapped finally and fought like your life depended against the ropes.

They creaked and groan. But despite giving it your all, they refused to fray.

Hot, fresh tears began to pool at the corner of your eyes. Uihoy felt his painful unsheathed shaft twitch, dampening the inside of his pants at the gorgeous sight. You whimpered, face pulled down into a frown with frustration flickering like flames in your eyes.

Uihoy snorted and leaned up to rest on his knees, eyes drinking in the sweat that coated your skin. “What does little hunter want?” he teased, head cocked to the side like a confused puppy. The grin that painted his face widely mocked you. A look you desperately wanted to smack off before jumping the male and riding him to kingdom come.

Between clenched teeth, you bite, “you know what I want.” Harsh, violent words he’ll forgive you for. If he was in your position, he would be acting the same. Specially, if his cock looked as painful as yours did.

He tsked and shook his head. “Do better. Little hunter knows words are what it takes.” You tell him what you want, he’ll do it. Beck and call. You had two mighty hunters wrapped around you nimble fingers.

The lump in your throat was forced down and you turned your face away from him. The moment you did though, purple flashed across your vision. A firm grasp latched onto you chin and forced you to look back at Uihoy. “Don’t look away from Uihoy. Tell what it is little one wants. What little one needs.” You keened, biting nearly harshly at your bottom lip before giving.

“Touch me, please.” He raised a brow. The hand on your thigh began to caress the supple skin there. You growled in frustration. “No! My cock. Touch my fucking cock!” you practically screamed at him. The male’s grin turned evil.

“Wish is Uihoy’s command.”

A wrapped firmly around your painfully hard shaft. Just the touch of it sent ecstasy up the length of your spine while settling in the pit of your belly. It hurt in the most pleasurable ways.

The soft lights that luminated the ship were covered, your body blanketed by a shadow. Uihoy’s heat drifting down onto you. “This is what is needed, isn’t it?” his voice whispered directly into your ear. But you couldn’t hear him from the rushing blood nor focus on a single word from the pleasure.

“Need mate to tied little hunter up and play until begging, begging for Uihoy. Take whatever Uihoy wants, little hunter will allow.” You choked on the air sole in your lungs as the grasp began to move. Your eyes spun backwards, back arching off of the bed completely. Your balls drawing up.

White blinded your vision, not a sound registered in your brain. The pain that exploded throughout every nerve in your body was unexplainable, but you wouldn’t stop it. Your cock sputtered, spasmed with each new shot of cum, a nearly never-ending stream that painted your stomach and Uihoy’s hand white. Each rope nearly hurt from how good the release of pent-up pressure was.

Then, you collapsed onto the bed, drained, soul sucked dry. Your eyes closed, chest heaving with lung gasping breaths. Every cell part of your body vibrated with energy but slowly faded while you drifted back down.

Hands pet up and down the length of your thighs. “So good for Uihoy,” the Yautja’s brass voice rumbled in the air. The hair along your arms and legs prickled with dying electricity. Your body gave one last twitch before settling into the furs both of your mates have hunted for you.

Uihoy purred softly for you. A fur blanket was used to wipe the spent cum off of your stomach. It was promptly discarded to the side. He crawled up and rested next to you, burying his face into the crook of your neck. The vibrations he sent off rolled over your skin. “How was that?”

With your eyes still shut, you hummed in content with a smile twitching your lips. “Yeah? Good boy,” he whispered and licked up a lone stripe of sweat.

One of his hands palmed at the flesh of your thighs again. “Never get used to these. Gotta let Uihoy markup… or tie?” he groaned at the new idea and nipped at you. In the afterglow, you began to drift off, protected by one of your lovers.

[simp-ly-writes]

Dates with Harvey Headcanons

Pairing: SDV Harvey x Reader

Summary: Date locations and activities you would do together throughout the year.

Warnings: longer than I was expecting, brief mentions of drinking.

A/N: Still can't believe it's already 2024- but I distract myself from this information by writing yet another fanfic about a pixelated doctor who I wish to be real. May turn some of these blurbs into longer fics one day.

Masterlist | Taglist | edited.

Spring

↳ You would go on walks together by the community centre as the snow began to melt. Hand in hand underneath the sprouting trees, you would share a lunch together by the fountain and sit on the swings, drifting back and forth as you talked to one another about both everything- and really nothing at all

↳ Driving out with your hand on his knee to go to the closest home and garden store. Picking out new plants for the flower boxes at the clinic as well as for the front garden on the ranch

↳ Once you finish choosing various plants and flowers alongside planting them to the necessary survival conditions. I can see you both sitting on the front steps of the home, sharing a pottle of wine as you watch the sunset together

↳ When a last minute snow falls upon the ground, Harvey brews a kettle for the both of you as you settle on the couch. Flicking on some random reality t.v. show to watch together as you talk about the various things you both want to get done this year

--

Summer

↳ In the summertime, you and Harvey paint the various fences surrounding the farm alongside the barns, sheds, and stables. It is a time-consuming job as you both sit in a pile of hay, taking a break from the sun within the interior of a barn. All the animals are outside enjoying the weather as you both take a short nap together with your straw-hat's covering your faces from the sun appearing through the cracks between wood panels

↳ In the warm summer nights, you both enjoy a small fire at the back of the house or by the beachside. Cooking a dinner off to the side as you both enjoy a cheeky marshmallow or two before the meal

↳ Taking Willy's boat out to Ginger Island, you both walk up and down the beaches with your sandals in hand. Harvey has a strip of sunscreen across the bridge of his nose while he enforces that you do the same. The poor doctor is already worried about how much you tire yourself out underneath the sun already from working on the various crops and animals

↳ Havrey helps you to set up your display for the community fair, blowing up balloons alongside painting last minute sign details. Anytime someone comes up to compliment your work- you always add how much Harvey helped as well- loving to watch him become a blushing mess before turning around to go chug his water bottle

--

Fall

↳ In the fall time, you both go out for walks once more since the temperature is dying off. You and Harvey collect various leaves to scrapbook later at home together

↳ From trying to help donate to the museum, Harvey sits in the library for support as he watches you meticulously organize each jewell and artifact to just the right position and room. When you come to take a break, Harvey holds your hand from across the table as he flicks through a medical book he was re-studying. A teapot and a few small snacks sit prepared by the doctor as you squeeze his hand in thanks, Harvey looks up from his book, glasses tipped down his nose as he squeezes your hand back before flipping the page and continues his reading

↳ You and Harvey take knitting classes at the community centre together, making one another a scarf and matching touque. Though having a multitude of loose stitches and a few holes, you both wear them to work proudly as Evelyn chuckles to herself softly- noticing your patchwork

--

Winter

↳ When the ground becomes frozen and the animals are each tucked away, warm in the barns with wine brewing in the sheds from prior seasons. You decide to take Harvey ice-skating at the local rink a town or two away where the ice is thick enough. A few wobbles and falls into your await arms, you and Harvey skate side by side while discussing the holiday plans

↳ Harvey drives on the way back as you fall asleep on the passengers side. When the car stops back in Stardew Valley- Harvey picks you up as delicately as possible- not wanting to wake your slumber as he takes you inside and to bed. Lighting a fire in the fireplace before cooking a meal for when you awake

↳ Hosting your friends and family at the farmhouse was a test of both your patiences. But the time spent together planning, grocery shopping and choosing wines from the cellar were highly memorable between the jokes said and memories shared from throughout the year

↳ When its snows enough, you both make snow-people together in a competition. Rushing in and out of the house for extra details from carrots to coal, hats and twigs for arms. You stand back, looking at the work as Harvey wrapped his arms around your waist, leaning down to plaster a kiss against your cheek

[lace-coffin]

Can I has soft Moonie and Monty gator fic, where reader is perpetually exhausted and the animatronics drag em off when they’re meant to be working to help them get some sleep in the pizzaplex? (Totally not projecting here)

How would Moondrop and Montgomery gator react to an exhausted reader on their shift?

Thank u for the moon and Monty rq I want to eat it up so bad😌

Requests are open!

Reader is gn! No trigger warnings required

Working for the pizzaplex was definitely an experience. A good one? Thats up for debate. No you loved your job, the actual security aspect of it was pretty univentful, flicking through the camera’s of the empty pizza plex. It’s not like any intruders would get far anyway with the security bots at every turn and moon slinking around in security mode. You did however get to see the dumb stuff the animatronics got up to after hours though so that was a plus. If she doesn’t tell that you’re watching YouTube on your shift then you won’t tell how you regularly see chica rummaging the kitchens like a racoon over the cams.

It was a pretty cushy job overall but the hours were vile, working from 12-6 am isn’t great for anyone and essentially becoming nocturnal because of it meant you were either sleeping or exhausted in your free time.

Today was one of the days that you’d turned up essentially half alive, isotonic drink held in a death grip and a pack of pain meds at your disposal. You clock in and slump on the chair In front of the security camera’s, groaning as the pain is taken off your joints.

Moondrop

Naturally moon has been following you to your work station since you clocked in, floating through the shadows of the pizzaplex in a totally normal and not creepy way. No matter how many times you tell him he can just greet you normally and walk you over he still refuses and watches you from afar, you know he cares but emotional vulnerability is difficult for him.

A few hours into your shift you can’t take it anymore, energy drink only doing so much for you. Your head starts to loll in your chair, finally getting a blissful second of rest-

“Morning glowbug!” Moon swings down from the ceiling in the upside down Spider-Man pose, intending and succeeding in scaring the shit out of you just as you were drifting off.

You jump in your seat and land in a pile on the floor on your ass. Once moon stops laughing at your misfortune and you realised it was just him and you weren’t about to get bite of 87’nd you huff at him from your spot on the floor.

“Very funny moon man, hilarious in fact, you do know the door is an option right? Now help me up you nerd” you say in fake irritation, tugging his trouser leg and giving him your hand.

“Everyone’s a critic, bug. I found it fairly amusing”he lends you his spindly hands and pulls you up with a bit more force than necessary, making you stumble. He snickers into the long end of his hat and you shoot him a glare. “Not the day dude”

Moons faceplate rotates at this, non verbally questioning what’s causing your sour mood, you usually love playing with him and whatever is ruining your mood needs to stop immediately because it’s ruining his fun (and maybe because he cares about you but he’ll never admit that)

“I’m fine moon, I’m just sleeping bad again, I’ll survive” you say nonchalantly, dangling your energy drink in your hand and chugging the last of it.

Moons grimaces as he watches you do this, you know he hates those stupid drinks, you feel better for an hour or two and then immediately crash worse than before, usually leaving moon to scrape you off the desk and take over the cameras.

You realise what you’ve done before moon can even get a word out, squeaking and throwing the can back on the desk. “It’s uh, not actually that bad! I’ll be fine, you know me haha, just a little behind on sleep” you stutter over your words trying to back track. You know it’s pointless and moon being the way he is you’re not going to get out of this.

“Oh no, go ahead starlight, drink your sludge. I can’t wait to peel you off the desk later” he drawls out, if his eyes could roll any further back into his head then they would have.

You rise from your chair, hiding behind it like a shield as if it’s going to save you from the inevitable. “You know the drill bug, either you get over here or I’m dragging your sorry ass over here” Moons voicebox fizzles out over the inappropriate word, stupid filters.

“Moon, you know I can’t, I have to finish my shift, I promise as soon as I get home I’ll go straight to bed, no messing” despite trying to placate him moon remains unimpressed, arms folded over his chest. You should probably run.

“Starlight they pay you peanuts, you can take one nap, they’ll survive”

The jester moves down slowly and sits on his haunches like a cat. Moon launches himself at you full speed. You scream and run to the other side of the security office, not much room to run to considering how confined it is in the first place. You yell and giggle as this continues, moon drinking in the way your eyes crinkle when you smile. Over a few minuets you start to get worn out, having no energy in the first place. This gives moon the perfect opening to land a pounce on you and snatch you into his arms, throwing you over his shoulders like a sack of potatoes. You playfully kick and complain but you don’t have it in you to actually be upset.

Unsurprisingly you make it to the daycare attendants room in record time, moons huge strides cutting down on time. “You know the drill” moon says as he throws a pair of daycare themed pyjamas from the gift shop at you, hitting you square in the face. You laugh and crawl into the other room through the tunnel to change.

By the time you’ve changed and come back moon has his bed all made and fluffed up and is looking at you expectantly. “Your chariot, my lord” he says dumbly, pulling back the covers and gesturing to the bed. You snort and climb in, snuggling down into the plush bedding. You make a happy noise and look back at moon, taking his big metallic hand in your smaller warm one.

“Thankyou, for this I mean, I really appreciate you caring about me like this, it means a lot”

Moon makes a fake gagging noise but his faceplate tinges a darker blue, telling his real feelings. “Always so mushy starlight” he laughs, but you know he loves the attention.

“Can you stay until I fall asleep?”

“Bold of you to assume I was leaving in the first place”

Moon scooches into the bed and rearranges his limbs into a comfy position, pulling your head against his chest and starting up his music box. He traces little shapes into your palm until you fall asleep for the night.

Montgomery gator

A horrid crash feeds through the security cam speakers. Excellent. You sigh and flip over to gator golf, already knowing who’s most likely to be causing the noise. Sure enough faint mechanical grunting and roaring can be heard. You can’t seem to find Monty on screen though, so it looks like you’ll be taking a trip down to the golf course.

You groan and pull yourself up from your chair, you really don’t have the energy for this tonight.

Not having to look very far you catch Monty red handed a few steps into the golf course. Golf club jammed into the mouth of one of the mechanical gators below the bridge. You pause and just look at him, unamused, waiting for him to explain.

“Uh, howdy twerp, I’m having some…difficulties?” He try’s, almost framing it as a question. You rub your hand over your face in exhaustion and ask him to expand on his problem.

“I uh worked up a rage after screwing up a note in tonight’s show, wouldn’t have happened if stupid fazzass hadn’t bumped into me” he grumbles, getting side tracked complaining about Freddy. “Anyway, I may have taken a swing at one of those gators…it’s turns out once the club is in it’s hard to get it back out” he laughs and rubs at the back of his head awkwardly, hoping your not going to explode on him.

“I love you but you’re a nightmare, green guy”

Monty snorts at the nickname but realises you look a little worn down, your usual bite not as prominent in your banter.

“Are you ok cher? Like you looking after yourself ok? Not to be an ass but you don’t look as with it as usual” he says in a softer tone, a look of genuine concern washing over his face.

“You want the polite answer or the real one?” Monty laughs and asks for the real one. “I’m tired as all hell and I’m essentially a zombie right now, these night shifts are killing me”

Monty frowns at this, he knows the company can be hardasses when it comes to shift patterns, not caring if their employees work themselves to death as long as the schedule is covered.

“So what you’re saying is we’re going to wrestle this stupid club out of that gator and then you’re going to the nest without causing a fuss?” Monty says, phrasing it as an order and not a question.

“I don’t even have the energy to be stubborn, ask moon man to cover for me please”

Monty gives a toothy grin at this and nods his head. You both work on releasing the golf club from its grizzly demise. Combining both your effort and Monty’s unnatural strength you pull the club free! And send it through the window of gator golf…it can wait for the day crew, technically you only came down to remove it from the gator and you’re beyond caring.

Monty throws his arms in the air in celebration. “Nice shot, cher!” You both cackle at the absurdity of the situation until you let out a yawn.

“Ok squirt, let’s get you to bed” he says softly, rosey eyes roaming over your sleepy face. Monty collects you in his arms and makes his way back to his green room, lending you an oversized gator golf shirt to change into. Monty lets out a little huff out of his nose when he sees you in the baggy shirt, adorable.

“Time to hit the hay kid” he pats on the nest he’s made on the floor out of blankets and various plushies/pillows waiting for you to climb in. Once you settle down Monty curls up around you like a big puppy, placing his snoot on your chest. (He’s totally not hoping for some pets before you sleep..)

“I don’t want to hear a peep out of you unless it’s snoring kiddo” Monty grumbles. “Love you to big guy” you hum and pat his nose

You fall asleep wrapped up in the gators tail, your chest rising and falling in time to the gentle bellows rumbling from the now calm and cuddly animatronic.

[the-fic-baker]

Make It Quiet

Confessions in an old house.

A/N: Me?… writing?… no way! It’s been a rough couple (so many) months but hopefully I can get back into my groove.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Gn!Reader

Content Warnings: ANGST, tears, repressed emotions, cuddling, reader has no physical description, did I mention angst?

The house is silent, its previous occupants long gone. It now acts as a refuge from the storm bellowing outside. The horses sleep in the shed beside the rotting house. Inside the building, Joel is stoking the fire. The wood is damp so he replaces it with pages of some old novel left by the owner. You set the sleeping bags beside the fire and sit.

“Do you think people back home will worry?” You ask. Joel looks back.

“Maybe but Tommy wouldn’t want us riding out there, not with this weather,” he explains.

In the year you and Joel have taken patrols together, there’s only been a handful of times you two exchanged more than a few necessary sentences. You don’t mind. You’re not one for mindless chatter, even back home. When you arrived in the town, a few people had and failed to try to befriend you, bringing food and other small gifts to your new house but it felt too unnatural. After years of lone survival, the thought of settling down and living was so foreign. After your first restless night, you signed up for patrol duty.

Tommy thought pairing the two loners would do you both some good. The shared connection helped you work efficiently together but there was no “opening up” as Tommy hoped for. At least not in the way he’d thought.

You both trusted each other. Whether it was to watch each over when the other slept or to stand up for each other when they come across the odd stranger. You both fell into a comfortable routine quickly.

You look through your pack and pull out a can of preserved meat. Your knife is handy to slice and roast over the fire. You casually hand Joel a few pieces and he gives a subtle nod of thanks and hands you some crackers. It’s a peaceful dinner, one you two have shared many times.

Goodnights are exchanged and the both of you get to sleep tonight on account of the house having a functional fence and sturdy doors. A rarity nowadays. Joel drifts off easily. You, not so much.

The rain against the roof seems to amplify the silence. It used to scare you as a child. The nothingness and darkness. Nights void of sound or life. Your mother would remedy this by singing and holding the flashlight overhead as you drifted off. This is now replaced by Joel’s subtle snores and dim firelight.

You look over at him for a moment. His brow is furrowed, even in his sleep. His eyes move rapidly and he tenses now and again. No doubt troubled by memories turned to nightmares. You don’t wake him. Even uneasy sleep is better than nothing. You lay down, still looking at him. You’re not sure why. Maybe just so you can remember you’re not alone in this old house so that you aren’t alone in the dark.

After some mumbling and movement, Joel stiffens and his eyes fly open. He’s caught you staring. He holds your eyes for a moment before his muscle begin to relax.

“I didn’t want to wake you,” You tell him. He rubs his eyes and sits up.

“It’s alright.” his voice is deep with sleep. He does a quick check of the fire and adds more paper.

“You get any sleep?” You shake your head. He looks a little disappointed. “You’re vulnerable when you’re tired,” he says. “I can watch over if that’s what you’re worried about.” His tone is uncharacteristically empathetic, well maybe to others. You look at the crumbling ceiling. Avoiding his eyes.

“It’s not that, just restless.” You explain. It’s half true. Your body still seems to be holding on to the adrenaline of rushing through the storm and finding shelter but there’s more. You’re not quite sure what to call it. The feeling you experience around Joel is different to anything you’ve felt before. It’s a sense of belonging, a sense that this is where you're meant to fit. Always finding yourself settling when beside him. Having the confidence to speak up for him. Wishing he was there when stuck in awkward situations. It only started to feel intrusive when you’d fall asleep thinking about him. His voice repeats in your mind. The smell of his leather jacket somehow stuck to you.

Your mind goes into danger mode when you think of it too much. Wanting, yearning, craving… Is it too much to ask? Is it possible to do this without losing everything? Is it worth the risk? It begins to spin out of control in your mind making you dizzy. You have to sit up.

“You know you could tell me if something was bothering ya,” Joel tells you. As you turn to look back at him you see he’s just a little closer. Now sat just a few inches from your sleeping bag. You feel your heart race as the musky scent of him hits your nose. It nearly bursts from your chest as he places a hand on your knee.

“Hope you don’t take offence it’s just.” A thinks a bit, hoping the words on his tongue match the ones in his brain. “You been acting more distant recently.” He frowns. “And I know we don’t do too much talking but I hope you know I care for you.” He mutters. There is this look on his face that twists your guts up. It’s this sad but hopeful look. Like the one, you would see on a child. So fond and tender. You can’t take it. Your mouth feels dry. You want to run and hide but you can’t move. All you can do is allow a tear to slip. Just one hot tear that stings your cheek. His hand reaches up and gingerly wipes it away.

“Oh, darlin’ it’s alright.” He sighs. Your mind fogs. Thought rushing, hitting you like a tidal wave. Want, take, hold, mine, need. Like a dam had been broken in your very soul. Every desire spills out threatening to drown you. You impulsively throw your arms around his middle. He holds you and buries his nose in your hair. Whispering to you. “I’m not going anywhere.” You squeeze him tighter. Your chest burns and the tears start, seeping into Joel’s jacket.

“That’s good darlin’, I got ya’.” He moves to bring you closer, chest against his and your legs across his lap. You melt in his arms, letting him support you as you can’t do it yourself.

“I’m sorry,” you manage to murmur between sobs. You’ve never felt weaker. You’ve also never felt safer. Joel shakes his head.

“Don’t be, you’ve done nothing wrong,” he assures. You separate from him and sit back.

“Not yet.” You cry. You pull your knees to your chest, making yourself as small as possible. “I let everyone I love slip away a-and.” Your throat seems to close around the words. Clawing to keep them in. You force in a breath and try again. “I want to be able to do it, I want to care again but I’m so scared and I'm so tired.” You choke up. “It’s not fair to you Joel.” He brings his hands up and holds your face. He brings you closer.

“I’ve lost people too, I know the fear,” he confesses. “But I’m willing to fight that to be with the people I love and if you can’t do that right now that’s okay because I can fight enough for the both of us.” With that, he lets his head rest against yours. Forehead to forehead, just breathing together.

You bring your knees down and hold him again, head now against his chest. Laying back he brings the both of you onto the sleeping bag. After a few minutes, the rain seems to slow and all you can hear is the beat of Joel’s heart. He lets your breathing settle before speaking again.

“You don’t have to say anything,” he whispers against your hair. “Just know I mean what I say.”

“I know.” You whisper. With that, you sleep. Knowing tomorrow he will be there. With you.

[emmie-writes-stuff]

I was tagged in the writers game by @boinin, thank you for the tag!!!

So let’s share some writing

I haven’t done as much work as I should be doing because of school but here’s some of the Hiorin fic that I write in my spare time

[The wind felt nice on Rin’s face, brisk and very present on the bike ride. It took more effort than necessary to not just close his eyes and bask in the outdoors. Blue Lock was so isolating, so one minded. The only focus was growing your ego and being the one to survive.

This slight escape, however fleeting and short lived it was, Rin needed it. A reminder of what awaited him after he won Blue Lock. He’d be able to play, to outshine all the competition, in the outdoors. He’d forgotten how much he enjoyed nature.

The familiar sound of waves crashing on the shoreline filled his ears as Rin got closer to the beach. An overwhelming sense of calmness and nostalgia hit Rin as he pressed down on the hand brakes. He locked his bike, double locked it actually, and placed his hands in his jacket pockets before slowly walking to the edge of where the land met the sea.

Salt and moisture drifted up with each lap of water against concrete, and Rin allowed his eyes to close. He let the scene wash over him, as if he was in the waves himself. Memories flooded back, of him and Sae when they were kids, sharing ice cream and walking hand in hand along this same path.

Rin used to stutter step to keep up. He copied every expression that nii-chan made, copied every motion. Back then, he had to look up to see Sae’s face. Now, Rin had to glance down in order to not be staring at his brother’s forehead.

Rin pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened the camera. He didn’t usually take photos of the sea, he hadn’t had to in the past. If Rin wanted to look at the ocean, he’d simply go to the sea. But in Blue Lock, this would be the only way to see the ocean.

Rin took a few pictures, making sure the light properly reflected off the water to capture the full effect of the moment. The dock was around fifty metres away, and Rin took his time getting there, meandering down the pavement.

A few other people were around, taking bike rides or walking dogs. A couple rode skateboards down the path and a few jogged just barely in the street. This was life. The town was alive, with everyone going about their own lives with no connection to the strangers around them.

The sound of his footsteps changed as Rin turned onto the dock. An old man was about halfway down, fishing tackle piled up next to him as his line waited in the water. Rin paused and took another photo.

When he reached the edge of the dock, Rin knelt to the floor and swung his legs over the edge. The waves seemed to reach out for him, begging for Rin to lower himself into the water and drift around at their will. Instead, Rin focused the camera and took multiple photos, like a panoramic shot.

He turned off his phone and returned it to his pocket, zipping it up just to be safe. He pressed his fingers into the old familiar wood and leaned forward, out towards the sea. Rin always felt calmed by the water, it was constant and ever changing at the same time. Always there but never the same. Changing, growing, but still being the same ocean.

Rin sat there for a while, just watching the waves roll across the horizon and splash against the pillars. His shoes got just a little wet, but it was nice. As the sun rose high in the sky, Rin pulled his legs back over the edge and pushed himself up. Time to go back.]

I like writing melancholy and reflection stuff, it’s fun for me, so hope y’all liked this

Im gonna be honest, I don’t really know many people who write on here that haven’t already done this, so if ya see this on my page and wanna do the tag, be my guest

Open tagging for folks :3

[cervidaecorpse]

Vampire Gear and Myth

Warning: long post!

Dinois Velgear

Species: Vampire

Age: around two centuries

Family: Velgear Clan

Titel: Inventor, Warrior of Velgear

History: Born into the Velgear Clan, the most technologically advanced Vampire Clan and most dominant force of the world, renowned for their beauty and incredible size. She should have had a great life ahead of her, with her future laid to her feet. However, her physically smaller status has made others belittle her since she was just a toddler. Even her parents, though loving, never grew out of the state of treating her like a child. Despite dealing with a lot of discouragement from her society every single day, she manged to not only become a minor inventor but also a part of the Velgear Warriors. Though still very low ranked, she tries everything to make her superiors not only perceive, but also praise her. She would do anything for her abilities to be recognised.

Sukai Batto

Species: Ancient Vampire

Age: Epochs

Family: Themselves

Titel: Sky Eye, Demon of Knowledge, Nightmare of many

History: The last of their kind of Ancient Vampire, capable of forming a hivemind to protect themselves. Their ability to assemble and disassemble allows them to watch the world and its changes with no secret left untold. Many fear them for their powers. Especially once in formation as they use tactics of others against them. Using the knowledge they have gathered, they are able to psychologically hit their opponents where it hurts the most. With their high speed and individual reflexes it is almost impossible to hit them in a fight. Back in the day they were a benevolent source of knowledge. They were willing to share, until one spark of fear spread over the lands, leaving them secluded.

Since you like this AU so much, have the rest, some lore and some cuddly bats. :)

(If or when I'm going to revisit this I will probably change some things up, because I'm not too satisfied with all of this, but I have to stop at some point. ^^')

Phaser Ryugu

Species: Vampire

Age: almost a millennium

Family: Ryugu Castle, Tremolo (brother)

Titel: King of the Ryugu Territory, Commander of the Dragon

History: His clan was wiped out when he was around a century old. Thanks to his parents, he managed to survive in the dungeons of the castle with Tremolo, in which his parents worked in. Since then, the barely adult had taken it upon himself to raise not only his brother but rebuild the castle. Still set in the old and severely outdated views of his former clan, it took him longer than necessary to collect outside vampires to actually join his course. Even then the trust was shaky at best. Until he protected his new people during another extermination, finally gaining trust and respect from those who had only followed him because he had given them shelter. Set on protecting those who now fully stand behind him, his focus on returning to clan life drifts further and further from his mind. Winning new territory, preparing to go out for war or hunting parties seem like a distant memory he no longer wants to associate with as he starts to even let humans and other species join his ranks, making the foundation he is standing on shaky once more.

Tremolo Ryugu

Species: Vampire

Age: eight centuries

Family: Ryugu Castle, Phaser (brother)

Titel: Prince of the Ryugu Territory, Head Guard of the Dragon

History: His clan was wiped out by an extermination of humans rebelling against vampires when he was barely two years old. He has no recollection of how life is like inside of a clan and since he heard stories from his brother while growing up, he is determined to restore the former glory of the Ryugu Clan. Supporting Phaser in politics and on the battlefield. His enthusiasm and sheer power of will brought him quickly to the top as the Head Guard of the Dragons, earning him respect from everyone. Outside the territory, people seem to be more aware of him, than his older brother. The talk of him being a better King is shut down by Tremolo every time it comes up. Still, it makes him wonder, why his brother is unwilling to return back to the life of a proud and strong clan. Gain influence and respect and maybe overthrow the currently reigning Velgear Clan.

Nyandestar

Species: Vampire

Age: Three centuries

Family: Ryugu Castle

Titel: Guard of the Dragons, Spy of the Dragons, Messenger of the Dragons

History: She was found abandoned and hurt by Tremolo after another extermination. Being well treated in the castle, she decided to stay and offer her services to those that saved her from her death. Tremolo offered up his services to train her, having seen her talent and survival skills, despite not knowing how to turn back into her humanoid shape. Something must have happened during the event, which almost brought her to deaths door, though she has no recollection of what it could have possibly been.

Manabu Sogetsu

Species: Human

Age: 16

Family: Ryugu Castle

Titel: Guard of the Dragons; Honorary doctor, cleaner and cook of the Ryugu Castle

History: Found abandoned by Phaser when he was just an infant. Having no knowledge about his biological family, he was raised by the Vampire, seeing him as a fatherly figure but would never admit to it. He and Nyandestar grow a fast sibling like bond after spending time together. She is also the one he asks to train her to be a useful asset to the Ryugu Castle and join the Guard of the Dragons. Though Tremolo made joining difficult, Manabu manages to pass the test with his chemical knowledge and fast thinking. Still far from reaching the ranks of the younger Ryugu, he trains hard to give back what the castle has given him.

Ange Kicho

Species: Human

Age: 25

Family: Karen, Liem

Titel: Self-appointed Abysskite Princess

History: Coming from a long line of ancient vampire hunters, hunting anything undead is deeply anchored in her veins. More so than the other three, she wants to clean the world of the foul pests that are vampires, using every tactic necessary to fulfil that goal. Although by far not as patient, once she has set her mind on things, there is nothing that can stop her. She has reached every goal she has set so far. Those vampires would finally know what it is like to suffer at the hands of someone else above them.

Karen Choha

Species: Human

Age: 28

Family: Ange, Liem

Titel: Self-appointed Abysskite Princess

History: Once a lonely girl wandering the forest, she was taken in and protected by vampire hunters, who raised and trained her. Fascinated by traps of all kinds, she made sure to teach herself in this craftsmanship to fight her enemies from a distance and in silence. While she does recognise that vampires are needed in the world to keep up politics and the balance of nature, she would not mind pushing them down a peck or two. After all, it would not hurt those snobs to know what it’s like, to lose almost everything they hold dear.

Liem Kokai

Species: Human

Age: 32

Family: Ange, Karen

Titel: Self-appointed Abysskite Princess

History: Once royalty, her family fell to vampires expanding their territory and getting betrayed by those vampires, who had claimed to protect her home. Near death, the last remains of a long line of vampire hunters took her in and brought her back to health. With her trust toward vampires broken, she devours everything the hunters and their books teach her. Educated in many ways, she is the tactician of the three and the one to come up with the idea to infiltrate the nearby castle. The stage for the next black moon is set. (Infiltration -> appearing too disruptive/dangerous -> getting kicked out -> having some overhear their "next plan" of infiltration -> lead the strongest far away from the castle and lure them to Sky Eye so they might kill each other -> go back to the castle and kill the chained vampires during the black moon (if followers were not killed by Sky Eye, have the place appear as if it were attacked by Velgear Clan (next target, as this was a test run)))

Black Moon

The time were vampires crawl from their territorial walls and rise to the sky. Many young and untrained ones lose consciousness and purely act on instinct during those times, becoming unrecognisable. Those older know the terror this could bring over the world and shake its balance, leading them to lock those in, who cannot control themselves. Though even when conscious, instincts still take over. Screams of bats will fill the night, with a lot less lives present in the villages, towns and cities. Many vampires do not recover from those nights and the guilt swallowing them after.

Leading Vampires

Loaded with the responsibility of carrying the lives of many species, especially those of their people on their shoulders, their subconscious alters their shape and appearance. These changes depend on their people and species in their territory and how well they consider the balance. While it appears as if their kind or ruthless nature would have any effect on it, it is the stress and subconscious thoughts alone that set off these changes. Descending from a long extinct species of pseudo-bats more closely related to humans, those ancient traits may be reawakened. It is possible to spot a leading vampire, who has physically reverted fully to their ancient form. Those are considered to be the best leading forces of the world. This type of thinking sometimes ends in a self-fulfilling prophesy with those, who worry, they might never be good enough. Even when they change, this rushed confidence might be their downfall, reinforcing the stereotype, as only those capable enough will actually survive these drastic changes and new set expectations.

Of course, there are those, who never knew the responsibility of a leader. Stress occurs in everyone, no matter their status.

[ajpendragon]

Doubts

John blinked vigorously to clear his vision, forcing the two projections floating in front of him to merge back into one. A flick of his finger and the ship schematics spun in front of him, faster than he had intended it to. The movement threw him off balance, a rare occurrence in zero gravity, only possible because of his exhausted state. He drifted back into the wall, colliding with it roughly.

“John, it has been roughly 72 hours since you last slept. It would be wise to take a break. You are too tired to be any use at the moment.”

“I’m fine, EOS. I have to check everything. All of us are going to be on that ship, and I won’t risk a repeat of last time. I can’t risk my brother’s lives like that. I have to make sure it’s safe.” He continued stubbornly glaring at the schematics, even as his vision swam in front of him. His arms felt too heavy to move, and if he weren’t free-floating in space, he would have been collapsed on the floor.

The hologram flickered out, and he knew EOS had put her foot down. She would not allow him to work any more, even when he desperately wanted to. “You need to rest. You will be of no use to your brothers if you continue on like this. You look awful, and you are so tired you can barely function.” Her voice softened slightly. “Working yourself to exhaustion to avoid thinking about your problems is not healthy, John.”

He pulled himself slowly down the hallways towards his bed, conceding the fight. He was too tired to argue, and that in itself was clear proof that EOS was right. He never gave up on an argument if he could help it.

John knew exactly what the chances of finding their father still alive were. The likelihood that they were going on a rescue mission was slim to none. People didn’t survive on their own in deep space for as long as Jeff had been gone. All they were likely to find was a body. They had to go, he knew that. To finally have an answer after all these years would be worth everything. But if anything he could do would make it safer, he had to try. Dad wouldn’t have wanted them to recklessly risk their lives on the very unlikely chance that he was still alive.

John had not been good enough to save his father.

His brothers were all he had left.

And he refused to lose them too.

*******************************************

Alan clutched the photograph tightly in his hand. There weren’t many paper pictures left, most saved on computers and phones now, but this one was special. Each of his brothers had one as well, but his was the most well-worn. Everyone else didn’t need the picture as much, having enough clear memories of Dad that it wasn’t as necessary for them, but he did. He had been too young to remember much when Dad disappeared, and with the years, the few memories he had faded. He knew that Scott looked like Dad, everyone said so, but what they never mentioned was the little scar on the corner of Dad’s chin, just barely visible in the photo.

They didn’t mention how his eyes looked so much like Gordon’s, or how his smile reminded them of John. They never mentioned the smile lines around his mouth just like Virgil’s. In fact, as Alan stared at the picture, he could see each of his brothers there. Everyone except himself. Each of his brothers remembered when Dad was around, too. They had dozens of stories, which Alan had heard many times over the years. They knew where they fit in the family with Dad there. They remembered a life with him.

But Alan hadn’t. He didn’t remember his Dad more than bits and pieces, and he was pretty sure most of those memories were from his brothers’ stories. He couldn’t remember a time before. He knew he was a capable astronaut, pilot of Thunderbird 3, valued member of International Rescue, but with his Dad home, where did he belong? His piloting skills couldn’t measure up to someone like the great Jeff Tracy. He was still young. What if Dad pulled him off rescues? Alan had proved himself to Scott, but his dad wouldn’t know that. All he would remember was the child he had left behind.

He curled up on his bed, still grasping the photograph tightly. His father’s face stared back at him, his smile now feeling mocking instead of the comfort it usually was. What would Dad say when they found him? Would he even remember him? Would he be proud of him, or disappointed in what he had become?

He wanted Dad home, there was no question about that.

He just hoped that he wouldn’t be a disappointment next to the child Dad remembered.

*******************************************

Gordon flipped the light on, banishing the shadows to the corners of the room. He wasn’t sleeping anyways, so might as well do something. A book was picked up and just as quickly tossed aside, unable to hold his attention. He tried jumping jacks, continuing until his breathing came heavy, but he was no more ready for sleep now than he was before. He briefly considered pranking one of his brothers, but quickly discarded that idea. They needed their sleep, and he wasn’t thoughtless enough to deprive them of it. He ended up settled cross-legged on the floor, staring at his fish tank, watching the animals drift slowly through the water.

The motion, though calming, wasn’t enough to occupy his entire mind, and the shadows began to creep back in. Ever since he had found the beacon, he had been fighting them off, but they continued to return, only growing stronger in the dark of night. No matter what he told them, they refused to leave, doubts long-hidden that had not been forgotten with time, only buried.

What if Dad was didn’t want him? He was the odd one out, the only aquanaut in a family of pilots. While the rest of his family had spent their entire lives attempting to leave the ground behind, with varying degrees of success, he had embraced the restraint of earth. Water was his element, not air. He hated flying. He hated space.

Dad had never said anything to dissuade him from his passion, but he had never encouraged him either. Maybe he had been hoping time would cure Gordon of the foolish notion of remaining earth-bound. It probably should have. The rest of the family was so connected, so similar in their desires, their wants, their loves. But no matter how much they tried to convince him otherwise, Gordon knew the truth. His father’s shadow stretched over everything he did. He had made a place, a name for himself while Dad was gone, but with him back?

He didn’t belong.

*******************************************

Virgil settled his headphones more securely over his ears, adjusting his position on the bench. It wasn’t often that he played his electric piano, much preferring the grand in the family room. The sound was better, and there was always a brother or two around to share it with, but tonight felt like a night to be alone. They were each processing in their own ways, him as much as anyone. He and his father had never gotten along as well as some of his brothers, Virgil reminding Jeff too much of what he had lost.

But they had shared some loves. Jeff had loved music, not as much as Lucy and Virgil, but he had some favorite songs. Lucy had recorded him one night, hiding the camera in the corner to catch his singing, something he never would have done if he had known he was being watched. It was an odd choice for an astronaut’s favorite song, but Jeff had always been a realist. He knew the dangers to be found in space, but he felt compelled to go anyways. It was worth the risk to him.

Of course, the risk hadn’t just taken a toll on him, but on his children as well. Especially now that they knew there was a chance he could still be out there, the song held a whole new meaning. Virgil pressed the start button on the recording, settling his hands on the keys as he played accompaniment to his father’s voice.

Can you hear, can you hear, can you hear my voice?

Coming through, coming through, coming through the noise

The recording continued, Virgil fighting back tears to be able to see the keys. He could imagine his dad singing the same song out in the vastness of space, hoping desperately that someone would hear him. That someone would save him.

It's so dark, it's so dark out here in space

And it's been so long, been so long since I've seen a face

My eyes are shut but I can see

The void between you and me, mm

And I feel, and I feel like I'm going insane

Virgil could only imagine what it would do to someone to live for so long on their own. When they first found out there was a chance Dad was still alive, he had done a deep dive into all the medical research he could find with any bearing on their situation. He knew the effects of low or no gravity on a human’s body, and how to help. He knew what to do if Dad hadn’t been eating enough, how to rebuild a body after prolonged nutrient deficiency. But there wasn’t enough research on what solitary confinement did to a person’s mind. He knew it was bad, that it had been banned as a punishment for years for a reason, but no one knew how to fix the damage it caused.

He didn’t know how to fix it, and he didn’t know how to deal with that. He was supposed to be the one who fixed everything, and he couldn’t let everyone down. His brothers were believed in him. His dad was counting on him.

He didn’t know if he believed in himself.

*******************************************

Scott pushed himself harder, forcing his limbs to cooperate and propel him even faster down the path. His brothers would have tried to stop him from running at night, but they had all gone to bed hours ago, and he had needed the release. His thoughts were too loud to allow him to sleep, and so he forced himself to go even faster, hoping to leave them behind.

What if Dad didn’t approve of what he had done with International Rescue?

His brothers risked their lives almost daily. What would Dad say when he found out about that?

Tracy Industries now was quite different than it was when Dad left. Scott had done his best, but some of the decisions he had made weren’t very popular. What if his dad didn’t agree with them either?

He ran harder.

What if he had made a mistake in allowing Alan to join on rescues? True, they had needed another astronaut after Jeff’s disappearance, but he was still so young.

What about the scars that each of his brothers bore, both on their skin and on their hearts? He should have been the one to bear those. They never should have had to. What would Dad say when he saw them?

It didn’t seem to matter how fast he went. He couldn’t outrun the voices. They grabbed onto him, closing his throat and tightening in his chest, cutting off his breathing. They took the face of his father, fuzzy and distorted by time, all glaring at him, shouting the same thing. “I’m disappointed in you, Scott. You failed me.”

Scott collapsed to his knees, clasping his hands over his ears to drown out their shouts. All the fears he had fought for years were coming back to haunt him. All the decisions he had made questioned. All the thoughts that kept him awake at night crowded forward at once, demanding to be addressed.

No. Scott pushed himself to his feet, refusing to buckle under the pressure. It didn’t matter what Dad said when they got him back. They were going to get him anyway. It didn’t matter if it was hard or dangerous. They were International Rescue, and that’s what they did. It didn’t matter if the person they were searching for didn’t approve of them. They saved people. And they were going to save their dad.

If he hated Scott when they found him, then so be it. Scott knew he had done what was right, and he could live with a clear conscience, and the knowledge that his brothers were alive because of him. He had done his best, but if his father couldn’t see that, he didn’t know what he would do.

If his father hated him, he didn’t know if he could live with it.

*******************************************

The next night, wrapped in the warm arms of their father, doubts were laid to rest, and they all knew they would be okay.

Dad didn’t hate him.

He wasn’t a failure.

He was worth believing in.

He belonged in this family.

He wasn’t a disappointment.

He was good enough.

*******************************************

He was finally home.

[brazenlystrong]

His mind is swimming in a surreal haze. The fluorescent lights above him blur into soft orbs, glowing like the fabled lights that beckon souls towards the afterlife. It feels otherworldly, the line between life and death so thin it might as well not exist. Yet, something, someone, is anchoring him, binding him to this world—Shoko.

His consciousness drifts like a fog rolling over a still lake, but the steady weight on his chest is undeniable. His eyes fixate on Shoko’s hand, her delicate touch applying reverse cursed technique to his heart, urging it to beat. Her hand feels as light as a feather, but the weight of her efforts is heavier than any burden he’s carried before. He lies still, utterly motionless, as his own body fights to keep itself alive alongside her necessary push. Each breath he takes is a quiet battle, his lungs filling, deflating, his heart responding to the careful rhythm she’s set.

Thoughts of death swirl in his mind, not with fear, but with acceptance. He realizes how close he came, and part of him wonders what it might have been like if he had slipped away. It wouldn't have been the worst thing—his students would carry on his legacy, paving their own paths. He would’ve found solace in that. But then, Shoko is here, pouring every ounce of her fortitude into keeping him alive. He can’t leave, not when she’s fought so hard to bring him back. Her presence is both a comfort and a reminder: he's not alone in this.

So, he stays there, breathing softly, aware of every fragile second that passes. Every breath is borrowed time, but it's his own now, thanks to her. He doesn’t move, letting Shoko work, letting his body stabilize. There's no rush—he has time now. Time to heal, time to reflect, and time to live.

What is everybody else doing right now? He wonders. But he doesn’t rush to know. Neither does he care enough to ask if they managed to overpower Sukuna or not. Satoru couldn't fathom that he would be saved. He would’ve expected to be left on the cold ground, forgotten. He doesn’t ache with that thought, however. He doesn't pay heed to what may happen to his body when he dies. Everyone’s had enough of Gojo Satoru, right? There should be someone new, someone stronger than him to take over. He’s done what was needed of him so his part was played out, finished.

He doesn’t protest, neither is he relieved. He’s just present—in a neutral state. His cerulean gaze is staring at the ceiling as he swallows the blood that has trickled down his throat. A taste of iron indicates his taste buds are functioning still. So strange to sense things, to feel the cool air around his lying form, to see, to touch. He was never under this much physical pressure in his life. And he is unsure if he will survive this another time.

His muscles lack their usual strength after engaged in strenuous activity in battle, leaving him slightly drained and unsteady. The fatality of his injury slows down his recovery process but it’s reassuring that Shoko tells him she has all the time for him.

Only the muscles on his mouth raise into a tiny smile as he rests his eyes closed for a moment. Five more minutes… Even if he falls asleep, his heartbeat would let her know he’s still there.

tell me about the dream where we pull the bodies out of the lake and dress them in warm clothes again.

people tend to underestimate the reality of being near a dead body. gojo's dead body is the first one in a long time that's actually unsettled her—which, looking over her records, is kind of a big deal.

there would be easier ways to keep him alive than causing her own brain to perpetually hemorrhage by cycling through more cursed energy than she can reasonably restore in a safe amount of time. if she'd had a proper operating room or perhaps literally any other person that had even gone to a few months of medical school it would be smartest to put satoru on ice (so to speak) once his limbs were re-attached. an intravascular cooling system would do the work she needed, place him in a state of deep hypothermic circulatory arrest so she could direct all of her energy to heal his destroyed brain. she'd have at least an hour of actual time to treat him in focused areas.

instead, shoko is playing "which vital organ is shutting down fastest". instead, she is tagging pieces of him as though his body itself is ground zero of mass casualty incident.

yeah. that comparison feels right.

she almost wants to cover him in a shroud. the milky film over his eyes and the unnatural limpness of what was once a perpetual grin is making her stomach turn violently. his cheeks are sallow, his skin is cool to the touch. and she can't find a heartbeat.

still, she pours out the contents of her very being into this beautiful vessel, this enchanting corpse.

she wasn't there when geto's hand twitched like the tail of a recently deceased dragonfly and tried to choke the life out of kenjaku. she doesn't really buy into the entirety of "soul is the body and body is the soul"—but she decides that if it's real, she's going to give her soul to him.

he already has her heart, so what else does she have left to give other than cursed energy and the last of her nine lives?

...love. what an unreliable savior. so delicate that saying the name breaks it.

she tries to tell herself that it's okay if gojo doesn't wake up, that he deserves to rest and that he's played his part and that at least if she sits by the crematory chamber with a scalpel and threatens to kill anyone who wants to use his body for some other selfish purpose, he won't be disturbed. she really tries, but she's so fucking angry—angry at the very foundations of jujutsu society, at the creation of this meat grinder disguised as a school, at the fact that the only person other than herself and suguru that saw gojo as he was turned out to be fucking sukuna. yes, actually. satoru gojo was magnificent.

...eventually, though, her body wins the cage match and her will and her anger subside as she drifts to sleep.

yeah, maybe it's good that he's dead, she hopes that she dies with him.

then her name is a death rattle, his touch is a postmortem muscle contraction, the warmth in his body is algor mortis but in reverse, his heartbeat ... shoko does not move, barely breathes, just in case his survival depends on utter stillness.

"...don't rush. i have all the time in the world for you."

@brazenlystrong, continued from here

[ihaveabsolutelynoideas]

Alright let's just get one thing clear here-

Four is 100% right here. Wild absolutely needs to be stopped. By force, if necessary (and it looks like it will be necessary).

Twilight is hanging on by a thread. Last we saw him the guy was barely conscious, unable to even keep his eyes open. He's making death speeches that may or may not be because he's delirious. He's drifting in and out of consciousness. He has no strength to waste on anything but breathing.

He most certainly doesn't need Wild bursting in and stressing him out. Let's not forget; Twilight is Wild's emotional support wolf. He's there when the champion has nightmares and stays with him through his memories. He's been there for Wild all through Wild's known life. He feels responsible for Wild's emotional state, even stating that he wished he could do more.

You really think seeing Wild so distraught is going to be good for him? Because it won't. The only one who'll benefit is Wild, and even that is questionable at best.

Because Wild is living in denial. He's insisting that no one can die, refusing to even hear Four name it as a possibility. He's volatile to the point of manhandling Four out of the way and shouting at anyone who doesn't give him the answers he wants to hear. Can you imagine the damage he could do just by being in the room? Yelling at Twilight to get up, yelling at Hyrule to heal him, yelling at Time for getting in the way?

Any extra stress could tip the scales when Twilight's on the razor's edge.

Four sees the writing on the wall.

"I can't let you go through like this"

Wild is in no state to be around someone so weak. If he were calmer then there might be an argument here but as it is Wild is just too wound up.

And what Wild wants right now is, frankly, selfish. He isn't listening to Four and choosing the best course of action for Twilight; he's thinking about himself. He's worried for Twilight, sure, but it's a selfish worry. Instead of wondering "what can I do to maximize the chance Twilight survives" he's instead thinking "I need to see him no matter what". No matter who he has to abandon, walk away from or fight through. Even though he's told, in no uncertain terms, that it wouldn't be helpful unless he knew a way to help Twilight heal (and he's given no such indication).

He is straight up told that Twilight "doesn't need this right now" but still insists on seeing him anyway.

Because he wants what he always wants from Twilight: comfort. He wants to be told that it's all going to be fine and the longer he's denied the crutch he's been counting on the more hot headed he gets. Because he's freaking out, in a full blown PTSD meltdown and of course he's searching for support in the once person he’s always counted on.

Which is understandable, but not excusable. Trauma explains shitty behavior but it doesn't vindicate it; You can't endanger other people just because you're triggered - it doesn't work like that.

And let's not forget he's not the only one suffering right now. He might have the strongest bond with Twilight but he doesn't have the only one. Every Link is Twilight's friend. Each and everyone of them would miss him if he were gone. Wild does not hold the monopoly on grief and it's not fair to forgive Wild's actions while damning everyone else.

Four himself is pretty close to Twilight and he had enough sense to tell Twilight not to worry about them. If Four can look past his own wants for Twilight's sake then why is it too much to ask Wild to do it too?

So I'm not hoping Four kicks his ass because I want Wild to be hurt, okay? I want Four to kick his ass so that he's forced to confront his own selfishness. Because no matter how sad or distraught Wild is it does not matter more than Twilight's life. Even if seeing Twilight will help Wild a lot and only hurt Twi a little, that little is still much more important in this scenario.

Because feelings can be fixed later. Death is permanent.

(To be very clear I'm happy Wild is being selfish here from a narrative standpoint. I love my characters flawed and I think it's good for Wild in the long run. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a character making a bad choice in the heat of the moment. Even on my personal favorites I welcome character flaws because overcoming those flaws make for stronger characters. I just typed this up because I don't like that some people are acting like Wild is a victim here when he is very clearly the aggressor. Because that's not a bad thing to be! It just means there's character development in the works!)

[testudoaubrei-blog]

Well, it’s not quite a master’s thesis, but this is (the first of) a series of posts on why Catra and Adora are the best love story in the history of kids TV animation and maybe the greatest love story in the history of TV. This may in some ways be faint praise - romance on TV is generally not very good compared with books or movies. Often it’s just some will they/won’t they sexual tension that is defused by getting characters together and re-heightened by breaking them up. TV is full of nearly shark jumping pointless dramas like Sam and Diane (Cheers, holy fuck am I dating myself, though that was technically before my time), Ross and Rachel (Friends, which was no Cheers) etc, but also some less annoying couples like Ben and Leslie (Parks and Rec) or Amy and Jake (Bk99) who are mostly just kind of cute and fun. Other shows, like the X-Files, teased viewers for years with unresolved sexual tension. In kids shows most romances are, appropriate for their target viewers, mild, sweet relationships based more on self-conscious flirting and blushing than on complex and conflicted feelings or deep passions - which is pretty realistic when the characters are young teens or even mid-teens. Some of these relationships are really well done - Finn and Flame Princess, Dipper and Pacifica (yeah I ship them), the early stages of Katara and Aang (before the showrunners imbued this childhood crush with cosmic significance), Steven and Connie, etc. Catra and Adora, though, are different. Their love story is not a side plot or a sub plot, it’s the heart of the show. It isn’t a childhood crush, it’s a very messy and passionate relationship between two young adults. She-Ra is an emotionally complex lesbian romance just as much as it is a thrilling action/adventure show. Everything about their relationship is baked into the show’s plot, its themes, hell even its musical score. The dramatic tension between Catra and Adora is not the result of stretching out a flirtation for ratings, but a coherent dramatic arc that runs through the entire show. As Noelle said, he made Catradora so central that execs couldn’t take it out without ruining the show. And the show is better for it. In this series of posts I’m going to try to show why, as well as showing why She-Ra is such a fantastic love story.

First off, let’s talk about how Catra and Adora’s character arcs are foils for each other, and how they come together and apart through the series. This is actually a post that I’ve been working on for a while but I keep summarizing the show rather than cutting to the chase, so I’m not going to recite many plot points so much as sketch out what’s going on with the dramatic structure at the time. But also, let’s talk about what each character’s arc is saying, and how they are commenting on each other. Spoiler alert: Catra’s arc is a subversion and critique of stories of empowerment through ruthless self-assertion and revenge, while Adora’s arc is a subversion and critique of chosen one narratives and stories of self-denial and self-transcendence.

When the show starts, Adora and Catra are shown as rivals and friends - their first scene starts the recurring motif of them reaching out for each other as one of them dangles above an abyss, as well as establishing their flirtatious banter and easy camaraderie. We quickly learn that these two young women plan to conquer the world together. These scenes and later flashbacks show Catra and Adora as deeply enmeshed in each others lives, to the point where neither of them (but especially Catra) have clear identities outside of one another. There is so much genuine love on both sides before Adora leaves, but also resentment, envy and fear, especially on Catra’s side, as well as a protectiveness on Adora’s side that deprives Catra of her autonomy. They are both being abused by Shadow Weaver - Catra physically  and emotionally, Adora emotionally. It wouldn’t be too much to say that Shadow Weaver holds Catra hostage to control Adora (this is why critiques that Adora abandoned Catra to be abused are actually kind of messed up, since they accept Shadow Weaver’s premise that Adora is responsible for what Shadow Weaver does to Catra). In addition, Catra and Adora actually see the world incredibly differently. Adora already sees the world in terms of right, wrong and her destiny to right wrongs - this is why it’s important for her  to accept the Horde’s obvious lies - she couldn’t keep living if she didn’t. Catra, on the other hand, sees the world solely in terms of survival and personal loyalty - everything for her is about preserving herself and the person she cares about - Adora.

Then, when Adora finds the sword, she leaves because it’s the right thing to do. Catra doesn’t even have a concept of ‘the right thing to do’ being something she should care about, or perhaps, something she can care about as an irredeemably evil, awful fuck-up. So at Thaymor neither one understands where the other is coming from, and Catra and Adora begin to part. This is the first turning point in their relationship. Adora chooses duty over what she desires, Catra chooses to protect herself (such as she sees it) and nurse her sense of betrayal and abandonment.

Their relationship until Promise is a kind of weird Frenemy thing that is fascinating to watch and sold me on the show. Neither one wants to fully admit to themselves that the other is now their enemy, neither one has given up on changing the other’s mind. Each is furious at the other, and desperate to see her again at the same time. There’s a lot of heartache and just as much sexual tension, especially at Princess Prom. Both of them come alive when they fight each other (more about that in a later post). But they’re already growing apart - Adora embracing her destiny as She-Ra, Catra rising in the ranks for the Horde. Adora now has the purpose she always wanted, plus other friends and a sense of being chosen to do something great, while Catra now has power - the means to protect herself from people like Shadow Weaver as well as the vindication she had always been denied, and even the opportunity to beat Shadow Weaver at her own game.

The next turning point is Promise. Holy fuck, this episode. It’s an episode that is even more heartbreaking after you’ve watched the show because you know just how much worse things are going to get, and yet, it’s a necessary part of both of their character arcs. Even through season 1 Catra and Adora had remained very much enmeshed in each others lives in an increasingly fucked up way as they grew apart but refused to turn away from each other. Even though they aren’t -exactly- a romantic couple (Adora doesn’t recognize and acknowledge her feelings until the last episode of Season 5), Season 1 of She-Ra is one of the worst breakups I have seen on TV. As I said in a couple of previous posts, this is the kind of shit that the Mountain Goats write songs about. Everything that was poisoning their love for each other even before episode 1 bubbles to the surface and combines with them fighting on opposite sides of the war to make a truly fucked up situation. In the end, it’s Catra that makes the choice to turn away from Adora. This isn’t a -good- decision. It’s spiteful, and destructive, and based on an outright deluded understanding of their relationship (inspired by Light Hope’s manipulations and her own issues), but it’s in some ways a necessary decision. Catra has been so wrapped up in Adora for so long that she isn’t going to be able to figure out who -she- is without cutting Adora out of her life. And the same is true of Adora.

But each of them do this in about the worst way possible. Catra embraces destruction, ambition, manipulation and outright cruelty, turning the tactics of her abusers against them and against everyone around her. She first triumphs over Shadow Weaver and manipulates Entrapta into trying to corrupt Etheria itself. Meanwhile Adora ‘lets go’ and commits herself to the self-denying mantle of She-Ra. Over the next several seasons, their respective paths will nearly lead both Catra and Adora to their deaths (in the Season 4 finale).

For the next season (counting season 2 and 3 as one) Catra and Adora are still closely linked, but as enemies. Still, there’s more than enough flirtation between them (that ‘Hey Catra’ in the first episode of Season 2 is something else), and especially on Adora’s side we see her hold back with Catra, and often take responsibility for the harm Catra inflicts, just like she had when they were kids. Yet they still drift apart - after facing off every other episode in Season 1, they spend less and less time on screen together through season 2 and 3. Catra continues her ascent to power and descent into villainy while Adora becomes more of a stressed out mess as she takes the fate of the world and the wellbeing of everyone she cares about on her admittedly broad shoulders. Catra’s one moment of vulnerability is rewarded by Shadow Weaver’s betrayal and her exile, then Catra triumphs in ruthless badass fashion through sheer desperation and aggression. In the Crimson Wastes, we see Catra at her most independent, and she almost seems happy. But once Adora shows up and Catra hears about Shadow Weaver, she’s sucked back into the worst of her resentments, and she makes very clear that being happy is less important to her than making sure Adora is miserable.

This changes everything. Catra completely breaks with reality and tries to kill Adora, herself and the world rather than lose to Adora and Shadow Weaver (I do think it’s important to remember that she does that after Shadow Weaver nearly kills her). Catra betrays everyone around her when she exiles Entrapta, threatens Scopria and lies to Hordak. Then she flips the switch. When Adora tries to fix things, Catra fights to her own death to make sure that the world disintegrates with her. For her part, Adora fights first to understand what is wrong with the world and then to fix it. Finally she tells Catra that destroying the world is her choice and she has to live with it, decks her, and then sees her off with a death glare once the portal is closed. With this, Adora writes Catra off even if, as she says later, she never never hated her. By doing that, Adora casts off the guilt that had dogged her and takes responsibility for her own life rather than someone else’s - this is actually a huge step for her, and one that will become more important in Season 4.

Season 4 is in many ways the nadir of their relationship. They only see each other once during the entire season, in Fluterrina, when Adora tries to blast Catra, much to the latter’s shock. There’s a sense in that scene that Catra is trying to have the same flirtatious enmity she used to have with Adora, and Adora is having none of it. Catra almost seems hurt by this, which is an early hint at how isolated Catra is beginning to feel. Catra spends the rest of the season at her highest and lowest. On the one hand she spends most of 12 episodes winning by every standard she has ever claimed to care about, besting Hordak himself in single combat and making herself co-ruler of the Horde and coming within a day’s march of ending the Rebellion. In many ways it is the ultimate empowerment fantasy - the abused young woman has defeated her abusers, showed up everyone who doubted her and forced everyone to respect her. But I think it’s striking that the show starts with her and Adora dreaming of conquering the world together and in Season 4 Catra nearly succeeds in conquering it alone, almost like she was trying to live out her old shared fantasy while proving she didn’t need her former best friend. 

At the same time, Catra is clearly miserable. She’s always been unhappy, but in Season 4 we see her completely isolated and lying to herself and everyone who will listen in a desperate attempt to justify her actions. Turning the tactics of Hordak and Shadow Weaver against them to gain power and then against Scorpia and Entrapta to maintain it haven’t vindicated Catra, they’ve made her more and more alone as Entrapta is exiled and Scorpia drifts away. Meanwhile Catra reaches out to Double Trouble, and her interactions with them reek of a kind of desperate desire to have someone in her life (the feeling of their interaction is of an unhealthy casual relationship where one partner becomes emotionally invested and the other takes advantage of that while denying the other the closeness they desire). As people leave her, one after the other, it becomes clearer and clearer that Catra doesn’t want power at all - she wants connection, friendship, love, and power is a very poor replacement. As I said in my long Catra rant, Season 4 is both her ‘Walter White as a Catgirl’ season and the beginning of her redemption. Everything comes to head when Sparkles destroys everything Catra has tried to achieve, Double Trouble delivers those harsh truths and Horde Prime shows up and makes it all irrelevant, just highlighting how futile all her struggles and sacrifices and crimes have been.

Meanwhile Adora spends Season 4 becoming her own her and her own woman. After telling off Catra, she grows more and more disillusioned with Light Hope and critical of Glimmer (though the latter has more than a shade of her old habit of taking responsibility for others - Adora’s development is not linear). She’s gained the courage and confidence to strike out her own path, not just follow a destiny. At the season’s end she once again breaks with her best friend to do what is right, and discards the destiny that she was being prepared for. But in this case she isn’t chasing one packaged destiny for another, instead she’s making her own choice and literally shattering the thing that she thought gave her life purpose. It’s badass, and heartbreaking, and along with decking Catra and jumping after Catra into the abyss (see below) it’s the perfect Adora moment.

In many ways Season 5 starts with Catra and Adora farther apart than they have ever been. They aren’t even enemies anymore, they’re completely out of each other’s lives. And both Catra and Adora are lost at the beginning of Season 5 - Catra is useless and alone on Prime’s ship, completely defeated despite ostensibly being on the winning side, and she goes through the motions of her normal plotting without any particular conviction and none of her normal flair. Meanwhile Adora is even more miserable and self-destructive than usual, throwing herself at Horde Bots and working herself until she drops of exhaustion. In a very real way they both stay lost until they have a chance to help the other. Catra takes responsibility for what she’s done and what she can do, saves Glimmer (at least partly for Adora’s sake), apologizes to Adora, and sacrifices herself. Adora only seems to come alive when she decides to turn around, face Prime, and save the cat. And when she does, Catra and Adora’s arcs, which had separated so completely in season 4, come crashing back together to end the series.

Adora during Save the Cat is such a contrast with the uncertain, hesitant and self-destructive wreck we’ve seen so far in Season 5. This is possibly her craziest plan in 3 years of mostly cazy plans, but she never wavers or questions herself. Even when Chipped Catra appears and we see Adora’s heart break while we watch, Adora doesn’t back down or relent. She keeps at it even as the tears stream down her face. She fights better trying to save Catra without She-Ra’s powers than she fought at the Battle of Bright Moon with them. Catra’s just about as desperate - we see her cry and plead, and now is probably as good a time to any to point out how amazing a job both VAs did throughout the show, but especially in this episode, and how good a job the board artists did. 

Seeing each other for the first time in a year, and only the second time since Catra blew everything up, Catra and Adora are probably the rawest and least restrained we’ve ever seen them. There’s barely any banter, no bravado, and no pretense that they are anything other than two women who desperately need each other (Prime doesn’t help with ‘You broke my heart’.) Then Catra is flung to her death, Adora jumps after her, breaks both her legs in the fall (we see her crawl to Catra, as though she couldn’t walk) and becomes the real She-Ra. It’s such a triumphant and deeply queer moment seeing a woman transformed into a warrior goddess to protect the woman she loves, and it’s the reason that, as dark as it is, Save the Cat is my Comfort Food episode.

Let’s not sleep on Taking Control, though. This episode is like a microcosm of what this show does best, especially the A plot with Catra and Adora. Catra’s reversion to lashing out at everyone and her refusal to be open to Adora shows just how much of a struggle this whole ‘being good and trying to connect to people’ thing is. Catra’s outburst gives Adora a chance to stand up for herself and refuse to be Catra’s punching bag, while also not trying to control her. Adora’s ultimatum gives Catra a chance to reach out to Adora (quite literally), and allow herself to be vulnerable. In this episode, we see just how far Catra and Adora have come since the messed up stew of their relationship in Season 1. Adora lets Catra be responsible for her own actions; Catra lets herself be vulnerable to Adora and takes responsibility for her actions. They’re both better people and better friends and better partners than they were, and the show has shown this in a strikingly nuanced and realistic way. 

The important thing to note in the next few episodes of Season 5 isn’t just how much closer Catra and Adora get to each other and how much they flirt (So much. So much, y’all) but just how -happy- they are. We see both of them transformed in the other’s presence. Basically, since they’ve parted, both Catra and Adora have been defined in no small part by how miserable they often are. They have both had their triumphs and their lighter moments, but there’s been a sense of melancholy dogging both Catra and Adora since episode 1. And now that they’re together again, that lifts, somewhat. Catra’s verbal barbs have lost their venom, and she can openly show how much she cares for Adora and even Bow and Glimmer. She’s still herself - snarky, cynical, somewhat devious - but she’s not engaged in a self-destructive zero-sum struggle with everyone around her. Meanwhile Adora has spent 4 seasons being a neurotic and sometimes nearly joyless mess who takes responsibility for everything and often doesn’t let herself enjoy anything other than the odd BFS group hug (exceptions include trying to uh...impress Huntara and reveling with the butterfly ladies of Elberron in Flutterina).  Around Catra, though, she’s a cocky, swaggering jock who gives as good as she gets. It’s a side of Adora we’ve only seen hints of before, and one that’s so much more confident and joyful even as the world is ending around her. Apart, Catra had tried to protect and vindicate herself with power and conquest, while Adora had tried to forget herself in duty and sacrifice. Together, they can be themselves again. This dynamic is crucial to the show’s portrayal of Catra and Adora’s romance because it doesn’t just show how much they love each other, but how they’re -good- for each other now that they’ve grown as people, and that they are so much better than they were when they were apart.

Until Shadow Weaver shows up. Their old abuser reintroduces tensions but even then things are different than they were. Now Catra isn’t just resentful of how Shadow Weaver prefers Adora - she’s  protective of Adora, which is clearest in Failsafe when she calls Shadow Weaver out for being willing to sacrifice Adora. And while Adora takes the Failsafe, it isn’t to follow her destiny or because she has a death wish - it’s because she loves her friends, and she is the only one who has any hope of doing this and living (though Catra’s suggestion that Shadow Weaver take it is a good one). And finally, when Catra leaves Adora, it isn’t because she hates Adora, nor, despite what she says, is it because she really thinks that Adora chose Shadow Weaver. At least, not exactly. It’s because Catra loves Adora, and can admit that to herself, and can’t stay around and watch the woman she loves sacrifice herself rather than choosing Catra. Before Catra leaves, she asks Adora ‘What do you want?” It’s a question that echoes Shadow Weaver’s speech in Episode 1: ‘isn’t this what you always wanted since you could want anything?’ As much as Adora has grown as a person, and defined herself and stood up for what she thinks is right, she still has never answered that question - it’s never been ‘what do I want’ but ‘what do I have to do?’ and that’s how Adora answers Catra’s question. This is Adora’s last gasp as a self-transcending hero, letting go of what she wants (not that she ever dared articulate what that was) in order to do what must be done. And it nearly kills her and dooms the universe, because Adora can’t be the hero that she needs to be by being anyone less than herself.

But it’s losing Catra that inspires Adora to tell off Shadow Weaver for good (not that she’d ever really warmed to her after season 1). And it’s love for Adora that inspires Catra to stand up to Shadow Weaver and demand that she do the right thing. In both cases, Catra and Adora aren’t just standing up to their abuser, but holding her to account for the harm she’s caused, and it’s the love that they have for each other that inspires them to do this. In Catra’s case in particular her refusal to let Shadow Weaver weasel out of finding Adora is a much greater triumph over Shadow Weaver than beating her up and breaking her mask in Season 1 - it’s proof not so much to Shadow Weaver but to Catra herself that Catra really is better than this and that she deserves better than this. It’s not turning her abuser’s tactics against her, but truly holding her to a moral standard and demanding that she do the right thing.

And then there’s Catra and Adora together at the heart. Catra has already come back for Adora and stayed to the end, choosing to die with her even if she can’t share a life together (not out of some death wish, but because Adora needs her). And Adora, who’s been avoiding answering the question for three fucking years, finally let’s herself want Catra when Catra finally confesses her love (breaking the last of her self-protective shields) and asks Adora to stay -for her-. And by admitting what she wants, Adora can truly be at peace with herself and be the hero she needs to be, lesbianism saves the universe, The End.

So anyway, that’s how Catra and Adora’s stories are woven together and how they compliment and comment on each other. Narrativiely, Adora and Catra start together, come apart, find something of themselves, and truly find themselves and each other when they are reunited. Thematically, they are critiquing seemingly opposing narrative tropes - empowerment narratives and narratives of self sacrifice. But by showing the flaws in both types of story and showing how neither self-seeking empowerment nor self-negating self sacrifice can actually make us happy, She-Ra asks and answers more profound questions than most prestige dramas for adults do. I’ll get into how the show sells the idea that the power of love can bring us happiness (and save the world) in a future post. But next up, I’m going to celebrate just how much Catra and Adora’s relationship revels in ambiguity, complexity and contradiction and so tells a grown up love story in a kid’s show.

[fanficimagery]

Five Years After

Imagine going to the feed store for your sister, only you come home with more than just feed for the animals.

Words: 5.1K Author’s Note: The ending of this imagine was definitely inspired by a TikTok video :)

When the Blip happened, you were in complete disbelief. Chaos erupted all around as planes fell from the sky and automobiles crashed because their drivers had vanished into thin air. Everyone was a complete mess as they attempted to call loved ones, their calls going straight to voicemail or being answered by another family member that were having to deliver the bad news of a disappearance.

Your only living relative was your sister Laura and her children she had with her husband Clint, so when one of your co-workers and a handful of your customers vanished into thin air, your first call had been to your ex-Avenger of a brother-in-law. Unfortunately Clint was just as clueless as you and the phone had nearly slipped from your hand when he gave you the news that Laura and the kids had vanished. You had nowhere to go and were so scared because of the looting that had started, so Clint told you to pack your things and get to the farm as soon as possible.

You'd only been on the farm for a full day before Clint's friends came looking for him. Natasha, who you had met after your sister had married Clint, greeted you with a rather solemn hug. It was Steve Rogers, however, who attempted to introduce himself with as much joy as he possibly could in order to be polite.

You had shaken his hand, smiling sadly. "You don't need to force a smile for me, Rogers. The circumstances suck. I get it."

That had surprisingly pulled a short laugh from Natasha. "See, Steve? Told you she wouldn't be expecting the Man with a Plan."

Steve and Natasha had proceeded to stay for the duration of the day, telling Clint all about a fight that had taken place in Wakanda and who out of their friends had vanished. It was a devastating blow and you had no idea how everyone was going to cope. Then soon after the two Avengers had left, Clint went into overdrive. He was making phone calls left and right, packing bags and weapons, and you were at a complete loss.

You had decided to leave him be and it was only the following morning when you woke to an empty house did you find the letter on the kitchen counter. In the letter he had apologized for leaving you after everything that had happened, but went on to explain that there were criminals still out there who had survived the Blip when others who were sin-free didn't. He couldn't leave them be while people like his wife and children were no longer alive, so to work through his aggression he was going to hunt those criminals down. Fortunately enough, he left you in possession of the farm-house and made it so you were able to access his bank accounts. He told you not to look for him or get the others involved, so you waited a whole day before contacting Natasha and telling her all about Clint's derailment.

Clint left no trail, leaving you all alone. Or so you thought.

With Clint's vanishing act, Natasha and Steve made you their responsibility. They made sure you knew they were only a call or email away, but only after Nat drove down to give you some technological devices since the regular power grid was fluctuating. Since Earth lost half its population, everything seemed to be falling apart.

Then Tony Stark was brought back home and the world seemed a little bit brighter.

For years you drifted, working at a grocery store in town to keep yourself busy. The Blip took a toll on everyone, but it was nice to have to talk to someone even if the other person moved on autopilot. Clint sent an email every other month from a burner email, so it was a dead end every time Natasha looked into it after you had forwarded it to her. And about the only news-worthy thing that had happened after the Blip was the announcement of Tony and Pepper Stark's baby girl Morgan. You didn't know the Stark's personally, but it didn't stop you from sending their little girl a present every year on her birthday for the next five years on behalf of yourself and the Barton family.

One morning you're sitting at the breakfast table when you hear the telltale sounds of a jet overheard. You figure it's just Natasha and Steve for their monthly check-in so you think nothing of it.

The screen door creaks open and you call out, "In the kitchen!"

The steps of what sounds like more than one person falter, but then they pick back up until they near your location. "Got enough for another plate?" That oh so familiar timber makes you spew orange juice across the table. You're up and out of your seat, staring at your brother-in-law who's a lot more tatted up than you remember him being. "Hey, sis."

Tony Stark stands just a couple feet to Clint's right, but his presence isn't enough to deter you from marching up to your brother-in-law and punching his shoulder. "You asshole!" You punch him again for good measure as tears sting your eyes. "You left me. You left me all alone! How could you-"

He dodges your continuous blows, wrapping his arms around you to keep you from attacking him. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I'm here now. It's all going to be okay." The fight instantly drains out of you as you sag into his embrace, sob after sob leaving you as you clutch to him tightly.

Clint tightens his grip a little more around you until your cries turn into sniffles. "What- what are you doing here?"

"Lang came up with a plan to bring our people back." You tense in Clint's arms and pull back to look him in the eyes. "Banner and Stark made the machines necessary to make the plan work. We're going to bring 'em home. We're going to bring 'em all home, Y/N."

"Please tell me you aren't joking," you mumble.

"Nope. No joke," Tony says. "It's not a total guarantee, but we're going to try our best." You let go of Clint and turn to look at Tony who's standing by the stove and picking at the leftover scrambled eggs. "Mmm. These are good. What'd you put in them?"

"Uhh, just butter and cheese."

"Morgan would absolutely love these. She's on this whole cheese kick right now."

That earns a chuckle, and after gathering yourself you look back at Clint. "So what's going to happen now?"

"The team's getting ready for a test run," Clint says. "I just wanted to let you know I was home and that we had a really important mission coming up."

"How soon?"

"Today if the test run goes good," Tony says. He pours himself half a glass of juice before downing it in one go. "And speaking of, we need to go."

You look at Clint, a little let down that he's leaving so soon, but he grins and pulls you back into a hug. "It's going to be okay." You nod against him and he lets his arms drop before he steps back. He looks around the kitchen and his grin widens. "You've kept up good with the house. I'm impressed."

"I should hope so," you mumble. "I had to flirt with the hardware store boy so he'd help me keep the house from falling apart."

Clint laughs. "You did good, Y/N. Laura will be proud."

"Yeah, yeah. Now go bring my sister, niece, and nephews back."

"You got it, boss."

          - - - - - - - - - - 

You're grateful for the day off because it leaves you with time to clean the house from top to bottom. You need some way to burn off all your anxiousness and making sure the house looks good for your sister is one hell of a way to do just that.

You're not sure how long you'd been cleaning when you decide to take a break, and you head outside for some fresh air. You walk off the porch and onto the grass, tilting your face skyward as you inhale and exhale softly, your eyes closing. One moment all you can hear is the wind ruffling tree limbs and grass, and the next it's a cacophony of chirping birds.

Your eyes fly open and you're shocked to see the swarms of birds flying around in the sky. Sure there have been birds around after the Blip, but you've never seen so many together since then. You're too busy staring up into the sky that you don't see what appears to be ash take formation behind you.

"Aunt Y/N?" The timid voice makes your heart stop before you whirl around, your eyes widening at the sight of Lila glancing around in shock. "What's going on? Where's dad?"

"Lila?" You breathe out in awe. You stumble towards her, eyes glistening with tears. "They did it. They actually did it." You pull her into a hug, cries stuttering in your chest. As you hug her, you glance towards the open field where you see Laura appear, followed by Nathaniel and then Cooper. "Laura!"

You grip Lila's hand tight as the both of you break out into a run towards the rest of your family, you and Laura colliding with twin oomphs. The two of you are crying as Laura tries to work out what the hell happened and where Clint is, but before you can explain anything she's pulling her phone out of her pocket and dialing Clint's number. As she worries about getting her husband on the phone, you quickly hug Cooper and pick up Nathaniel to hold on your hip as you squeeze him in relief.

"Clint?" Laura sobs when he finally answers. "Clint, what's going on? I-" She stops talking all of a sudden and she looks at you, eyes wide.

"What happened?" You ask.

"I- I don't know. One second he was talking and then-" She cuts off, glancing at her children and shaking her head. "He just cut out."

You know all is not fine and that something terrible must have happened for Laura to trail off the way she did. But instead of worrying her kids, you offer a grin. "I'm sure it's fine. As clumsy as he is, he probably just dropped his phone." She forces a smile for her kids' benefit. "So why don't we go ahead and wait for him inside. I'll make something to eat while you guys relax and I'll catch you up on the five years you missed."

"Five years!?" Laura nearly shouts.

You wince. "Yeah. You guys missed a lot."

          - - - - - - - - - - 

For the next couple of hours you tell Laura all about the Blip and how half of Earth's population just disappeared- Avengers included. You tell her how Clint had you move in, and how you helped take care of the house and what few animals they had on the farm still while working at the local grocery store. You tell her all about Steve and Natasha, and how Tony Stark is now married with a daughter of his own.

"Wow." Laura chuckles. All the kids have fallen asleep around the living room, leaving Laura the time to finally ask, "And where was Clint this entire time? I noticed he brought you onto the farm, but then everything became about Steve and Nat."

You suck in a breath sharply. "I was hoping you wouldn't notice that."

"Y/N.."

"He went rogue." Her eyes widen and you wince. "He left me here with access to your bank account, which I only used to pay bills and buy groceries by the way, and not even Natasha could find him. He only came back when she tracked him down and told him there was a chance they could reverse the Blip."

"Oh Clint.." She sighs, shaking her head in disappointment.

The sound of a quinjet hovering makes you and Laura perk up, but you keep quiet so as to not wake the children. You and Laura meet each other's gazes before you carefully get up and tiptoe out of the living room, and then you're rushing out the front door and down onto the lawn.

The door drops down and then Laura is sprinting across the field to reach her husband. You joyously laugh, jogging over to catch up. But as Laura and Clint hug one another, sobbing, you turn your sights to Steve who's standing sheepishly off to the side. There are two others with him, but since you've yet to meet them you make your way towards the familiar.

"Hey Rogers. Good to see you in one piece."

He tiredly chuckles. "Y/N." You punch his arm and he opens them up so you can hug him. "How are you holding up?"

"Better now that I got my sister back," you muse. As you pull away, you glance behind him into the quinjet. "Hey, where's Natasha?" Steve's smile falls and your heart plummets into your stomach. You can practically read the answer in his eyes. "No.." You shake your head.

His breathing stutters before he clears his throat. "We, uh, we lost Tony too."

Your expression completely crumples then, but Steve is quick to pull you back into a hug. He lets you cry into his chest before Clint steals you away, and then you're crying into your brother-in-law's shoulder. Then once all the tears taper off, Steve introduces you and Laura to Wanda and Bucky.

"I'll be in contact with you about what Pepper decides to do," Steve tells Clint. "If you do anything for Nat, let me know."

Clint sniffles. "I will."

You, Clint, and Laura wave off Steve, Wanda, and Bucky as they return inside the quinjet and lift off.

"Come on," Clint then sighs. "I need to see the kids and then figure out a way to tell them all about auntie Nat's sacrifice."

"And plan a memorial," Laura says.

You frown. "This was not the homecoming I was hoping for."

After a few days of planning, Clint decides on a cookout with all the Avengers and close friends of Nat's invited. It was a couple of days before Tony's own memorial, so you were surprised when Pepper Stark showed up with Morgan in tow. You were happy to finally meet the young girl who you'd been sending gifts to and you gladly ended up on babysitting duty.

You had met more of Clint's ex-coworkers, but your attention always ended up back on the children. Then when it came time to say a few words on Natasha's behalf, you somehow ended up between Steve and Bucky as the children ran back to their respective parents with Steve tucking you into his side when the tears started.

Then when the day of Tony's memorial came, there were more guests than you had anticipated. So as Pepper and Morgan walked a small flower raft with an arc reactor replica on it and set it out on the water, you stood back with Laura and her family and waited in silence. And as the crowd dispersed, you mostly kept to yourself until you saw Steve walk out of Pepper's home in the oddest white and red suit you'd ever seen.

Walking up behind Steve, you nod at Bucky and Sam who grin at your presence. When Steve turns around, you chuckle. "Why do I got a feeling you're about to do something very stupid?"

He grins and adjusts his grip on the suitcase hanging by his side. "Someone's gotta return the stones to their original timeline."

"Mhm. Well be careful. Don't start any unnecessary fights."

"I'll try my best."

As he walks up onto the platform, you step back and nudge your arm against Bucky's. He smiles down on you and you stand by his side as you listen to Bruce who walks Steve through about what's going to happen. Bruce checks all his monitors, giving Steve the go-ahead when everything is fine. Steve nods, a mask of sorts opens up and wraps around his face, and he presses a button that had been in his hand. Bruce counts down the seconds before he flips a switch which is meant to bring Steve back, but nothing happens.

Bruce looks around his monitors and starts pressing some more buttons. "Where is he?" Sam asks.

"I don't know. He blew right by his time stamp. He should be here," Bruce says as he flips a few more switches.

Bucky sighs and you quickly glance at him, and he looks more resigned than anything as he turns to walk off.

Your attention goes to Bruce as your heart rate picks up. "Get him back."

"I'm trying."

"Get him the hell back!" Sam urges.

You and Sam are low-key panicking, but it's Bucky's calm voice that stops the both of you. "Y/N. Sam."

The two of you whirl around, gazes sliding towards where Bucky is staring off to. In the distance, on a stone bench by the water, there appears to be a man sitting there that wasn't there before. You and Sam stumble forward, and you squint your eyes, only to glance back at Bucky with wide eyes.

"Is that.."

"Go."

You share another look with Sam and he gestures for you to follow him. The two of you walk towards the man together and Sam stops just behind him as you walk around in front. When you get a good look at your friend who is way older than what he appeared to be a mere twenty seconds ago, your heart cracks just a little.

You try to force a smile, but it wobbles as an elderly Steve chuckles at you. "I'm really trying not to be so mad at you right now." Your voice cracks and he pats the spot next to him as you sniffle. You immediately sit next to him and take his left hand within your own two, a gleaming wedding band not going unnoticed. Your fingers trace it. "Was it at least a happy life?"

Steve pats your hand. "It was. It was the beautiful life I always dreamt of."

You take a moment for yourself, inhaling and exhaling deeply. "You know you were my complete impulse control, right? Who's going to stop me from trying to get into your best friend's pants now?"

There's a snort from behind you, but you don't bother giving Sam your attention. "Go easy on him," Steve tells you. "I'm not sure he even remembers how to flirt."

You grin as you lean your head on his shoulder. "I'm really going to miss you," you say after a beat. Another moment passes before you drop Steve's hand and sigh before you stand. "Well, um, I should get back my sister and Clint now." You meet his gaze and flash him a small smile. "It's going to suck not seeing you every month, but I'm really glad you found your happiness."

"Thank you, Y/N."

Your bottom lip wobbles again. "Goodbye, Steve."

As you walk away, you hold your head up high and nod to Sam when he looks at you to make sure you're okay. You continue walking, nodding at Bucky as you pass him up as well when you see Laura wave you over. "For the record, I still remember how to flirt." You stumble and and then hear Bucky chuckling quietly behind you.

"Goddamn super soldiers and your dog ears."

As the days turn into weeks, Clint and Laura offer you a permanent place on the farm now that everything seems to be going back to normal. He's promised to build you a small house on the property for all that you've done in the past five years, so in the meantime you've taken to bunking with Lila while Wanda took over the guest bedroom. Clint had also taken to bringing Bucky to the farm when he noticed the super soldier not coping as well as he was letting on, so you found yourself often sitting by the back pond with him as the two of you traded stories about Steve and yourselves.

Though you had originally joked about getting into Bucky's pants, you found yourself seeking friendship from him more than anything else and vice versa. So when you weren't working at the grocery store, you were watching the kids for Laura and Clint or hanging out with Bucky and Wanda. It was no surprise to anyone that the three of you latched on to one another after losing those that you did.

"Hey Y/N," Laura calls out. "Will you do me favor?"

You glance up as she walks out the front door, you and Wanda ceasing your conversation. You grin. "What do you need?"

"Lucky needs some dog food and we need a few bales of hay for the goats."

"Oh. Okay." You look towards Wanda. "Wanna go for the ride?"

She shrugs. "Sure."

"Thank you! You can just put it on the Barton tab at the store," Laura says. "Clint pays it monthly and I've already called ahead to let them know someone was going in to pick up some stuff we needed."

"Got it." Standing up, you pat down your pockets to make sure you have your keys, phone, and some cash. Realizing you have everything, you grin at your sister before walking down the porch steps. As you near your truck, you whistle at Bucky who was throwing knives at a target on the side of the barn. "Hey Buckaroo! We're heading into town. You wanna come?"

He throws the last knife in his hand before he turns to look at you. "Don't call me Buckaroo!" He shouts back as he makes his way towards you.

"Then stop lookin' so darn cute!"

Wanda snorts and you laugh as Bucky shakes his head at you. "One of these days he's going to flirt back and then what are you going to do?"

"Bend myself over the table and let him hit it from behind," you mumble. She snorts harder this time and your eyes widen when you see Bucky start to smirk.

As he nears the two of you, he says, "What did you say?"

"Nothing," you blurt. "Nothing at all. Wanda's just easily amused, is all."

His gaze slides to Wanda, but she shakes her head and doesn't tell him a word. You mentally sigh and praise her for being a good friend, and then you turn to walk towards your truck. Wanda readily heads for the back driver's side door while Bucky walks around to the passenger seat so he's seated next to you.

Once you're seated behind the wheel and the engine is turned on, you take a moment to find a decent song on the radio before driving. It's not too long of a drive and you find yourself pulling up to the local feed store not even three songs later.

Parking and cutting the engine right in front of the store, you turn towards Bucky. You know he's not a huge fan of being out in public, but you rather not have to flirt inside the store to get a helping hand. "Hey Buck, can you do me a favor and load up four of those large rectangular bales of hay and one bag of that dog food right next to it?" You see him tense. "I rather not have to flirt with the boy inside just so he'll help out."

He relaxes then and gives you a nod. "Yeah. Sure."

"Thanks. Just keep watch through the window. Wait 'til I give the signal for you to start loading up." He gives you another nod and you turn around to face Wanda. "Wanna head inside with me?"

Wanda grins and readily opens her door, you and Bucky following right after. But as you and Wanda head inside, Bucky remains by the tailgate of your truck and keeps watch through the large front window as you had said. Inside, Mr. Reeves is waiting by the cash register and keeping an eye on Bucky outside.

"Don't worry, Mr. Reeves. He's with me." Mr. Reeves glances at you, smiling in relief. "I need four large bales of hay and a fifty pound bag of dog food."

Mr. Reeves starts punching buttons on his register. "Alright, sweetheart. Is that going to be all for you?"

"Sure is. Um, Laura asked if you can put it on the tab? Clint will be by at the end of the week."

"Sure thing." You turn towards the window and give Bucky a thumbs up. He turns to open the tailgate and then move towards the bales of hay to start loading up. Mr. Reeves chuckles. "That's a strong fella you got there."

His words make you blush and Wanda giggle, but you can't even reprimand your friend because she is further away than you expected. She's leaning over what appears to be a warming box, hand inside as she smiles down at something you can't see. "Whatcha got there, Red?"

Her smile widens as you hear small chirps. "Ducklings."

You walk over to her, peering inside and your heart absolutely melts. Inside are the cutest ducklings you've ever seen and you know you're done for when you set your hand down inside and one particular little duckling runs onto your palm.

Mr. Reeves walks over, chuckling. "They were hatched a few days ago. All have been looking mighty strong and are ready to go to good homes."

"How much?"

"Y/N," Wanda laughs. "What are you doing?"

"I'm taking this little sucker with me." You pick up your hand, duckling still happily nestled in your palm as you cradle him to your chest and look at Mr. Reeves. "Any chance you have those small plastic kiddie pools?"

"As a matter of fact I do," he muses.

Wanda is giggling the entire time Mr. Reeves gets exactly what you need, you nuzzling the yellow fuzzball to your face. You pay with your own money and sadly hand over the duckling when Mr. Reeves has to box her up. You then carefully take the box from him as Wanda takes the kiddie pool, and you walk behind her as you make your way to the truck.

You have absolutely no regrets about buying the duckling, but you still hide the box as you walk around the truck and open the driver's door. Wanda shoves the kiddie pool into the back with her and Bucky turns so his gaze darts between the both of you- Wanda looking far too amused and you looking a little sheepish as you continue to stand outside the truck.

"What did you do?" He sighs.

"Well we went in to just buy the food," Wanda says, "but-"

"I bought a duck." You blurt. You finally put the box in front of you, on the seat, and you open the lid. The duckling chirps and you beam down at her, picking her up and nuzzling her once more. "I'm gonna name her Flauta." Bucky snorts and Wanda laughs uncontrollably then. "No one tell Laura."

"Gonna be hard to hide her, doll."

Bucky reaches over to take the duckling from you and the sight of him cradling it, holding it up to his face and smiling makes you melt once more. Wanda is staring knowingly at you, but you don't even have the urge to flip her off because you know you're fucked. Instead, you take your phone out of your back pocket and snap a picture.

"That's my new wallpaper."

Bucky doesn't bother admonishing you for taking the picture, so after setting it as your wallpaper you put your phone away and climb into your truck. He holds onto the duckling as you make the drive back to the farm, Wanda giggling every now and then when you glance at Bucky and sigh longingly.

When you make it back to the farm, Clint and Laura are on the porch as the kids play out in the yard. They both stand as you park, their expressions turning suspicious as Wanda hops out of the back with the kiddie pool in tow. You grin as you hurriedly hop out as well, leaving Bucky to carry the incriminating evidence.

You can tell he expected as much as he watches you jog around to his side of the truck, already pointing at him through the opened window. "Bucky bought a duck!"

He shakes his head at you and you blow him a kiss, Clint and Laura then joining you by the truck. "Oh really?" Your brother-in-law muses.

"Yep."

"Mhm." Clint looks to Bucky as Laura bites back a grin. "Buck, what's the duck's name?"

Without missing a beat, he says, "Flauta."

Laura finally laughs. "Nice try, Y/N." As Bucky and Wanda guess how Laura knew, she says, "When we were younger, Y/N did the same thing but with a turtle. She named him Taquito."

"And Taquito lived a long and happy life until we went off to college," you say. "Flauta will live just long, if not longer, here on the farm."

Clint chuckles and then takes the duckling from Bucky. He looks to Wanda and gestures for her to follow him. "Lets go get this little lady all set up. The kids are gonna have a blast."

Laura follows after them, but not before winking at you, and you shake your head as you're left alone with Bucky. He finally climbs out of the truck, shutting the door and then leaning against it. You nervously laugh as he smirks. "You threw me under the bus."

"I couldn't take the chance that they'd make me return Flauta." You pout. "I couldn't send her back, Buckaroo. I'd already named her."

He pushes off the truck, turning you around and laying his arm around your shoulders. For a moment you forget how to breathe. "You're just as bad as Steve."

"Oh whatever." You roll your eyes, grinning as your arm wraps around the back of his waist and start walking towards where Clint went. "Steve got you shot at. I momentarily put you in momma bear's crosshairs." He quietly chuckles. "And besides, I didn't hear you deny it. Admit it, Barnes, I'm growing on you."

"Like a fungus."

You pinch his side. "Oh fuck off." He fully laughs then. "Just you wait, Buckaroo. The day we decide to put sex on the list of things we should definitely be doing, I'm gonna withhold just because you're being an ass."

"You sure about that?" The teasing lilt to his voice suddenly makes you feel at unease. "You sure you won't immediately bend over the table and let me hit it from behind?"

Your face flames, but you can't help but laugh at your earlier words. When you manage to calm down, you can't help but say, "I hate you," as you finish making your way towards your family.

"Nice try, doll, but I'm calling bullshit."

[nataliedanovelist]

GF - Starshine o’ Mine

A Drifting Stars AU one-shot, in collaboration with @clownwry​ (who made this GORGEOUS piece of art! PLEASE go follow her and check out her other work!).

1st, 3rd, 4th.

Ford held his knees, curled up into a ball against the wall of his cell. It was quite big, clearly built in case it needed to hold larger prisoners, but it made the human feel more alone than he already did, the large room looming over him like a monster. There was no bed or bench, only a barred window for air at the very top of the cell, that leaked moonlight into the hopeless situation and displayed the stars.

This wasn’t the first time he had been thrown in prison. This was his fifth time being captured.

The first time he had been out in the Multiverse for a year and had been caught by a tribe of hunters in a desert, clearly looking for a large meal, but Ford easily escaped with his ray gun and ran for the next wormhole.

The second time he had accidentally eaten a planet in his fifth year of dimension-hopping, and only managed to escape prison thanks to some mad scientist with blue hair.

The third time he was captured by slave-sellers, and he was lucky enough to be bought by an undercover rebellion, who only bought slaves to free them.

And the fourth time he had been captured Ford dropped his pants because the species were extremely uncomfortable with nudity and he walked out without a struggle.

This time was different than the other times, however. Every other time he had been captured, his mind was only occupied with survival and escape. No sense in panicking, that only clouded his thoughts and made it harder to think of a way out. But this time was different. It was extremely hard to think of a way out. It was nearly impossible not to worry. Because this time he cared about someone. This time he had someone that needed him to escape.

Ford wasn’t just thrown into a cell; He had also been chained around the neck, wrists, and ankles, and the chains were bolted to the wall. There was dry blood in his fluffy gray hair from the blow that had knocked him out. He had burrowed Mabel away just in time and begged her to stay hidden and stay safe. Ford had no idea if she had been caught and didn’t dare ask the guards that had dragged him to his cell; what if they had no idea she was out there and Ford’s questions only informed them of another prize? No news must be good news, but how long could Mabel stay safe without him to protect her?

He had to think of a way out, he had to! But nothing came to mind. He had nothing but the clothes on his back, he was chained and bound. He thought of a dozen escape plans, all of which were futile and doomed to fail. At least…

Ford’s ears detected movement. It resembled a mouse on pavement. Maybe a small rodent was climbing a bricked wall close by. But then he heard a puff of hair that sounded too big to come from tiny lungs. Ford looked up at the barred window and his eyes widened as he saw Mabel climbing up to the window, just the right size so she could balance on her knees and cling to the bars and block the moonlight coming into the cell.

Mabel smiled brightly at him, and Ford happily returned the grin. He instantly stood and forgot his chains, until he nearly choked himself getting to the wall of the window. He looked behind him and saw that he had run out of chain, but he maneuvered and pulled and allowed his throat to become uncomfortably tight, so maybe he could reach her. Ford reached a hand up to her as much as he could, and Mabel met him by leaning against the bars and stretching a hand down to him.

It was just enough. They could hold each other’s hand, Ford safely keeping Mabel’s fingers between his own fingers and his thumb, caressing his thumb over her small joints in the middle of her fingers.

It was miraculous how quickly all of his fear and worry left him at the sight of his niece. Ford was more than happy to see her again and to be holding her hand, but his smile dropped when he saw Mabel’s eyes water, and some tears escaped as she shut her eyes and turned her head away in a sad attempt to hide them.

Ford, surprisingly enough, knew exactly what to say, but he couldn’t risk a guard overhearing him and endangering Mabel, so he settled for squeezing her hand and silently begging her to look at him. The little girl met her eyes with his and he said a million things to her with those brown eyes that matched her own. He smiled kindly, proudly, at her, and Mabel managed to smile weakly with a trembling lip. Ford stretched to try to wipe her cheeks dry, but the chains were too tight and held him back, and the bars of the window stopped Mabel from leaning any closer.

Ford smiled apologetically, but Mabel understood. She wiped her tears away with the sleeve of her coat, and there it was. That smile that coated Ford’s soul in peace. That smile that would drive him to destroy a whole dimension if necessary. That smile that he felt was only worthy for a daughter to give to her father.

Mabel and Ford both heard it. The sounds of casual chatter and bumping armor. Mabel looked to her left and saw the shadows of two guards coming around the corner. She had maybe a minute to get away.

Ford smiled mournfully and let go of Mabel’s hand, gently pushing her limb away, but Mabel was quick and grabbed his hand again, begging not to let go. Though it was hard to keep it together, the old man made himself do it for her. Ford smoothed the little girl’s fingers with his thumb and squeezed her hand goodbye. Mabel bit her lip, and forced a smile. She squeezed him back, and then slowly their hands parted as the uncle lowered his aching arm and the niece backed away, and then climbed down from the window.

Ford had no idea why, but he continued to look out the window, as if somehow he would catch a glimpse of his girl. But all he had was a clear view of the star-filled sky, and was curly blessed with a small shooting star. Ford blinked, and only just now became aware of the tear on his cheek.

He wiped it away stubbornly and cleared his throat. He had to find a way out, he had to! He resumed his spot on the floor, and he buried his twelve fingers into his hair as he combed his mind for a successful idea.

About ten minutes after his last visitor, Ford had a new one. The door for the cells opened and the prisoner watched as two guards came towards him, one wearing a backpack. He scowled, ready for whatever they had planned, and one guard unlocked his door and asked weirdly casually, “How’s it going, eh?”

Ford gave him a suspicious look. “Erm…”

The other guard opened his backpack and Mabel popped out like a happy jack-in-the-box. “Hi, Grunkle Ford!”

“Mabel!” Ford gasped and stood, meanwhile the first guard was detaching the chains from the wall with a small key. “Wh-What is going on?!” He hissed.

“I made some friends!”

“I can see that.”

“G’day, there.” The first guard replied calmly. “Okay, here’s what’s gonna happen, see. We’re gonna pretend we’re movin’ you, but we’re gonna take you to the mouth of the sewers. It’s a clear cut to the woods where you’ll be safe, y’hear?”

“Uh… I hear.”

“Okay, back in you go, Lil’Bit.” The second guard said, and Mabel nodded and hid in the backpack again.

Ford was almost in a daze as he was escorted across the prison in chains. Somehow, Mabel had not only convinced two loyal guards to not turn her in, but to also assist in his escape. How, he has no idea. But maybe he doesn't need to know. Maybe he just needs to trust his niece. He thought he did, but clearly he needed to improve on that. And he fully intended to.

[tripleaxeldiaz]

nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy

read on ao3

Eddie’s fine. Really. He’s got a fresh scar on his right shoulder, a twin to his other one, and a couple more medical bills to pay off, but other than that, everything is good.

Why shouldn’t it be? Things could be worse — he could’ve lost his arm, could’ve been shot in the spine instead, could’ve not survived the trip to the hospital. But he did — he’s healed, he’s still breathing, and he’s ready to get back to work on Monday, to stop staring at the inside of his house and get back to the life he’d finally started to feel settled in. There’s a twinge in his chest every time he thinks about actually being back out in the field, but it’s just nerves, a small worry at getting back into the swing of things. He knows the team and how well they work together, so he’s sure one rope rescue with Buck is all it’ll take to feel normal again.

He’s fine. Or almost fine. Really, he is. He doesn’t let the tremble in his hands or the ice in his gut tell him otherwise.

~~~~~~~~~~

It doesn’t really register, the first time it happens. There’s a glint of light in his periphery, and for a second, his arms go numb. It’s just a second, though — he sees the flash again, sunlight shining off an axe Ravi is packing onto the truck, and he moves on, doesn’t think about it again.

The next time, the wind whips by his ear a little too fast after a call at the pier, and he turns around so quickly he cracks his neck, the thought of bulletbulletbullet ricocheting in his head. It gets him a concerned look from Bobby and reminds him that he never called that therapist his doctor mentioned at his last visit, but he elects to deal with it later and moves on.

Things keep happening, but they’re all small, insignificant — someone laughing too loudly at dinner, the feel of hot asphalt under his hands as he reaches under the ambulance for a runaway bandage roll, a phantom jolt of pain in his shoulder when someone accidentally jostles him running to the truck.

Tiny things, meaningless, not even worth remembering.

He’ll get used to them, eventually. He’s been healing, isolated from the real world for months now, it’s going to be a bit of a shock to his system and his senses.

He doesn’t call the therapist.

~~~~~~~~~~

Buck’s happy. Genuinely happy, in an open, honest way that Eddie doesn’t think he’s ever seen. His laughs are still loud but they’re freer, unrestrained, and his smile is bright enough to light whatever room he’s in. It makes something sing in Eddie’s chest, especially when all that wattage gets directed at him. If he’s honest, the music’s been there for a while, it just took lying in his own blood, reaching toward the only thing that felt like safety, for him to finally put a name on the song that’s been playing.

Talk about shitty timing.

Because Buck’s with Taylor now, and as much as he still doesn’t care for her, she’s helping with Buck’s new attitude too. He sees the soft smiles that linger after a text from her, and he only gives himself a minute to wish it were for him instead before reminding himself how much of a miracle those smiles are at all.

If he had watched Buck get shot, been splattered with his blood, been soaked with it as he tried to stop it from leaking out of his chest, he’s not sure he would’ve had any kind of happiness to spare.

So he adds this feeling, this particularly green beast twisting in his chest, to the list of things that he’s just going to have to get used to, and moves on. Buck is still in his and Chris��� life, still at their house more than his own, still the center of both of their worlds, and that’s enough. 

It has to be.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Wow, Eddie, you look like shit.”

He glares at Chimney as best he can, but he’s too tired for it to hold any heat. “Good morning to you too, Chim.”

Hen sits next to him at the table where he’s nursing his second mug of coffee of the day, downing the first one before driving Chris to school. She presses the back of her hand to his forehead, and he tries not to melt into the touch too much.

“You don’t feel warm,” she says, “but you look like you’ve been hit by a truck.”

He shrugs, staring down at his coffee. “Just haven’t been sleeping well.”

That may be an understatement. Not sleeping well implies sleeping at all, which Eddie’s not sure he’s been able to do in the past few days. It was easy enough when he first got home, still on pain meds that made his eyelids constantly heavy. And when Chris crawled into his bed the night after his sling came off, quiet but sniffling and burrowing into his side, it was a relief to gather him up close, a hand stroking through his hair as they both drifted off, clinging to each other. It was good for both of them, necessary to remind them both that Eddie is still here, but Chris went to his own room on Monday night instead of Eddie’s, and Eddie refused to take that choice away from him. 

So he’s been alone, in a too dark room with a too big bed and a too loud brain that only shows him flashes of light and blood and fear whenever he does try to close his eyes.

Just another thing he has to get used to.

He sees Chim and Hen exchange a look and hopes to God they don’t press it. He’s beyond frayed, his state of exhaustion warring with his almost constant state of hypervigilance, and he’s not sure if he’d snap or cry or both if they try to ask him any more questions. Either way, that’s not how he wants them or anyone else to see him, especially not at work. At work, he’s Mr. Cool, always level headed, always in the game, always on top of it. Despite the jumpiness, despite the sense of dread that seems to be a permanent fixture under his skin, he’s been able to keep that attitude going, even getting lost in it sometimes, feeling like the Eddie of four months ago again. If that starts to unravel, who knows what other parts of him will fall apart with it?

Luckily, they seem to get the hint, a pat on the back and a squeeze on the shoulder as they leave the loft to restock the ambulance. But even once they’re gone and he’s alone in the quiet of the loft again, Eddie feels exposed. Fragile. Vulnerable. Teetering on the edge of an abyss he can’t afford to fall into. And he hates it, because this isn’t him. He’s the protector, the provider, the guy who’s survived getting shot twice now, and as much as he encourages Chris to be open and emotional, it still feels wrong to him, like something too close to failure. He knows, rationally, that talking about the mess in his head would probably help, but it would also feel like a loss. Like this one-sided war he’s been fighting was all for nothing.

He hears Buck before he sees him, his unmistakable bounding up the stairs echoing through the whole loft. Just that sound, just the knowledge that Buck is about to be in his vicinity, is enough to yank Eddie back from the edge. He’s not settled or calm or better, but he’s not worse. These days, that’s all he can really ask for.

Buck takes Hen’s vacant seat, stealing a sip of coffee and chattering about a traveling art exhibit he thinks they should take Chris to. Eddie feels the vice on his ribs loosen, letting Buck’s voice and enthusiasm wash over him, pushing him back to center. He doesn’t quite make it, not when Buck stops talking mid-sentence, brow furrowed and looking so intensely at Eddie he can probably see right through him

“You look tired,” Buck says. 

Tired isn’t a strong enough word. But he smirks half heartedly instead, willing a little bit of his confidence back to get the subject changed sooner. “And here I thought I looked good today.”

“No, you always—“ Buck clears his throat and shakes his head, “You just look like you could use a nap. Are you okay?”

And for the first time since he woke up in the hospital with a new hole in his body and extra demons in his head, Eddie doesn’t want to say he’s fine. In the face of earnest blue eyes and worry lines, he doesn’t want to lie, and that’s exactly what an I’m fine would be, no matter how much he’s been trying to ignore it. He doesn’t want to downplay and pretend that it’s nothing, because it’s Buck. Buck who has seen him lower than he’s ever let anyone see, who slept on his couch so he was never too far away from him or Chris, who knows when Eddie needs to be pulled or pushed or pressed or none of the above. 

He doesn’t want to just say he’s fine, because he’s not.

The courage to say so finally fills him, just in time for Buck’s phone to light up, Taylor’s name flashing across the screen on two messages. Buck doesn’t even glance at his phone before flipping it face down and pushing it to the side, but it’s too late — Eddie feels his walls going back up, any bravery leaving to make room for the reminder that Buck is in a good place and Eddie will do anything to keep him there. He’ll take another bullet, he’ll keep every emotion under lock and key, he’ll carve his own damn heart out of his chest if he has to. He cannot — will not — be the reason that smile that’s become so natural on Buck’s face dims by even a watt. 

The crease in between Buck’s brow has only gotten deeper the longer Eddie hasn’t answered, so he musters up the most genuine smile he can. “I’m okay, Buck. I promise.” The lie cuts through his throat like broken glass.

Buck squints at him, scooting forward until his knees are digging into Eddie’s thigh. “You’d tell me if you weren’t, right?”

“Of course,” he says, another lie, more salt in the wounds he’s already given himself. Buck’s quiet for a few long moments, studying Eddie’s face, and Eddie prays that he doesn’t crack, that Buck doesn’t keep pressing. By some miracle, he doesn’t, just rests a hand on Eddie’s knee and squeezes before heading to the pantry for a snack.

The vice is back as soon as he’s out of sight, and Eddie’s list of things he has to learn to live with is starting to feel a little too long.

~~~~~~~~~~

Healing isn’t linear. It’s something he’s heard from every doctor he’s seen, every therapist he’s been assigned to, something he’s experienced first hand, physically and emotionally. So when he wakes up one morning feeling rested, energetic, and normal, he’s wary. He doesn’t want to focus on it, afraid he’ll scare this fragile feeling away, but he also wants to soak in it as much as he can. Wants to remember the easy laughs with the team and the night of board games with Chris and Buck when he’s inevitably surrounded by darkness again tomorrow.

He falls asleep and he doesn’t dream and he wakes up and feels...normal. Again. Same thing the morning after, and the morning after that. For a whole week, he doesn’t wake up with the taste of blood in his mouth or a soreness in his shoulder. He hears birds and sees the sun peaking in and feels something dangerously close to good. The wariness is still there, but every day it gets pushed a little farther back in his mind, making it a little easier to believe that while this feeling might not last, maybe it won’t be as dark when the clouds roll back in.

He’s wrong. 

The restlessness comes back with a vengeance — a thrumming in his blood that won’t let him sleep, that amplifies every sound to sharp snaps that remind him too much of the gunfire he’s been trying to forget, putting him constantly on edge again. There’s a heaviness too, making it hard to breathe, hard to move, even though staying in one place for too long feels like putting a target on his back for the monsters that have made a home in his head.

He tries to keep his cool, tries to keep the facade up, but it’s hard to keep your balance on a frayed tightrope.

Bobby notices the shift right away.

It doesn’t help that even the quiet thump of the oven closing makes Eddie flinch where he’s sitting at the kitchen counter. He had hoped that watching Bobby make breakfast would calm him, remind him of the countless hours he’s spent in Abuela’s kitchen doing the very same thing, but it doesn’t. He’s still jittery, worse than he can remember being, and everything just feels like too much. 

Bobby sets a to-go container down in front of him, and Eddie flinches (and curses himself) again. He looks up, confused, and is met with Bobby’s I’m about to tell you to do something and you are not allowed to say no look. Usually it’s Buck on the receiving end of that one.

He tries for a deflection. “Are we going somewhere, Cap?”

The look stays in place. “We are not. You are. There’s enough in there for you and Chris, take it home and don’t let me see you here for the next 48 hours.”

“There’s still three hours left of shift.”

Bobby pushes the container closer. “Go home, Diaz. Be with your kid. We’ll talk when you get back. And if you won’t talk to me, we’ll find someone you will talk to.”

Normally, he’d fight back. Raise his hackles, insist he doesn’t need any special treatment or intervention. But he feels like his insides have been scooped out and replaced with lead and cement and he’s tired. He barely has enough left in him to keep himself upright.

He slowly picks up the container and gets up to leave. Bobby calls his name as he gets to the top of the stairs.

“We’re here for you,” he says. “You’ve been through too much to be handling this on your own. Just let us know how we can help.”

I would if I could, but I don’t even know where to start. 

He just nods, hopes his face looks some degree of reassuring, and heads to the locker room.

~~~~~~~~~~

The way Chris’ face lights up when he sees Eddie waiting for him in the front office is enough to thaw the ice in his chest for a minute. He can hear the exact octave his mother’s voice would reach if she heard about him pulling Chris out of school for “no good reason”, but he also could not give less of a shit.

He feels a little bit more like a person with Chris in the backseat. That’s a good enough reason for him.

They set up camp in the park near their house, Bobby’s food and extra snacks Eddie picked up spread out between them, and Chris fills Eddie in on all the things he missed while he was working. He tries to focus on everything — Chris’ excitement about his upcoming science fair, the Sour Patch Watermelon sugar stuck to the tip of his nose, the way his hands move with his words. Eddie feels better, more settled, just getting to bask in the sun and in Chris like this, but he still feels heavy, like every move he makes has him fighting against gravity, threatening to pull him into the dirt. 

There’s a crack from the playground in front of them, and Eddie’s blood turns to ice. He’s halfway to standing before he sees it’s just some kids snapping sticks in half to build some kind of log cabin. He lets out a slow breath as he sits back down and wills his heartbeat back to normal.

Chris is staring at him, eyes intense and brow furrowed, very similar to someone else they know.

Shit.

As soon as he’s settled, Chris moves to sit in the criss-cross of his legs. He’s a little too on the lanky side for this anymore, but Eddie’s absolutely not going to complain. Chris twists until he’s looking Eddie in the eye. Eddie does his best not to look away.

Chris rests a hand on his cheek. “It’s okay if you’re feeling bad,” he says. “You can talk to me about it, if you want.”

The crack comes from Eddie’s own heart this time. His kid has been through so much in 10 short years, and it’s only made him wiser than he should be, compassionate and understanding and open, ready to be there for anyone without a second thought. He’s good in every sense of the word, and Eddie’s in awe of the fact that he, somehow, has something to do with that. And the last thing he wants to do is lie to his son, but he just...can’t. Talk about it. Not now. Not yet. Not in a way that will keep Chris this good.

He has no way of articulating all that, so he just wraps his arms around Chris’ middle and squeezes him close.

“I know, buddy. Thank you. I’ll be okay, and we’ll talk soon.”

It’s not a lie, but it’s not everything.

It seems to be enough for Chris, though. He nods and pats Eddie’s face before reaching into his backpack and pulling out a library book. “Well, I’m gonna read to you until you feel better, just like you do for me.”

It’s the first real smile Eddie’s cracked in months. He kisses the top of Chris’ head, settling his chin there as Chris leans back into his chest.

“Sounds like a good plan to me.”

They sit there for a while longer, Chris reads to him about Percy and Annabeth and Grover, and Eddie, inexplicably, feels a little bit lighter.

~~~~~~~~~~

Buck’s Jeep is parked outside when they get home, and Chris practically breaks down the door to greet him. It looks like he’s gone all out, too — Chinese food on the table, the promise of cookies and cream ice cream in the fridge, and a list of movies that Chris ecstatically agrees with as Buck lists them off. Chris hurries off to change and clean up for dinner, and Eddie moves to start opening plastic lids and cardboard containers. 

“You didn’t have to go to all this trouble,” he says. He leaves out just having you with us is enough.

Buck waves him off. “Anything for you two.”

He could leave it at that, keep up the comfortable silence as they move around the kitchen in tandem, but there’s a nagging memory that he has to ask about or he’ll never stop thinking about it.

“Didn’t you have a date with Taylor tonight?”

Buck tenses ever so slightly, a container of dumplings shifting in his hand. “Cancelled,” he says with a shrug.

Eddie knows there’s more, but Chris comes back before he can ask, and it doesn’t feel like a conversation they can have in front of a 10 year old. So they eat, and fall into the familiar banter between the three of them, and for half an hour, Eddie can be present. He can forget the last six months and the weight still hanging off of him and live in this moment, with the two most important people in his life, and pretend that this is all there is. Just these two and their joy and warmth that wraps around him tight enough to make him feel alive again, if only for a little while.

Two bowls of ice cream and one and a half movies later, Chris is dead to the world. Buck carries him to bed and Eddie tries to ignore the new ache that’s sprung up of the course of the evening, the one that wants and pulls towards Buck like a magnet. The one that almost purrs when Buck settles back on the couch so close they’re touching from ankle to (good) shoulder, contentedness washing over the living room as they find a rerun of The Shawshank Redemption playing on cable. It’s not perfect, there’s still a roiling in his blood that won’t seem to leave him alone, but he feels better than he has in God knows when.

Buck shifts closer to Eddie, eyes glowing in the light of the TV, and Eddie never wants him to leave. “Thanks for coming tonight. I— Chris and I both really needed this, I think.”

“I told you, anything for you two. Always.”

He ignores the way his stomach flips and tries to focus on the movie. He gets about five minutes of peace before another thought comes back, still nagging him, mixing with his anxiety enough to actually force him to say something.

He aims for cool and casual. “So, you and Taylor...everything okay?”

Buck gives him a very long, almost challenging look before turning off the TV. Seems he missed that casual mark. “I should be asking you the same thing.” “Very funny.”

“I’m not trying to be. I’m really worried about you, Eds.”

“This isn’t my first time getting shot, I know how to handle it.” He doesn’t mean for it to come out as bitter as it does, but he can’t bring himself to care, either. He doesn’t have the energy to keep a filter up anymore.

“Eddie, I’m serious.”

“I’m fine, Buck,” he says sharply, and he’s surprised his teeth haven’t fallen out of his head yet with how hard he’s lying through them. He hates that he’s lying to Buck at all, but those smiles he’s gotten used to have been fewer and farther between recently, and he knows it’s his fault. He might feel like his own seams are coming apart, but he’ll be damned if he rips Buck open too, even if it means pushing him away from his mess. “You’ve got a life and a girlfriend to worry about, I’ll figure everything out on my own.” 

“I don’t.”

“What?”

“I don’t have a girlfriend. We broke up.”

Eddie pauses, curses the faint hope that sparks in his chest. “Why?”

“Because I’ve been a little distracted by someone else for the past few months. It didn’t feel fair to her to keep it going.”

He gives him another long look, and Eddie might be a little dense when it comes to things like this, but that look breaks through loud and clear. This is it. This is real. This is everything he’s wanted for the past six months — and probably longer than that — but now that it’s happening, it doesn’t feel right. Buck was happy, free, finally settled into his own skin, and it’s all gone now because of Eddie and his stupid, broken everything. He knows he won’t be able to give Buck everything he needs, at least right now, but Buck needs to know that too. “Buck—”

“Nope,” he says with a firm shake of his head. “I know you’re gonna try and blame yourself for this somehow, but…don’t. It was bound to happen anyway. Because you’re right, I do have a life, but it’s you two. You and Chris. That’s all I need it to be. That’s all I want it to be. And I hate that it took so long for me to figure out, that it took you getting shot, but we’re here now.” His eyes shutter a bit as he looks down at his hands. “At least, I hope we are.”

And there it is. So simple, so easy, for Buck to admit this huge thing that Eddie thought he was dancing around on his own. The ease reminds Eddie, through his fog of sadness and anger and every other bleak feeling that’s been controlling him, that that’s what makes them work so well together. Honesty. Being able to show all their ugly, mismatched inside parts to each other and still find the beauty, the ways to help, the ways to hold each other together when they need it the most.

And Eddie doesn’t think he’s ever needed to be held together more than he does right now.

“Ask me,” he whispers, the sound seeming to echo around the room.

“Ask you what?”

“Ask me if I’m okay.”

Buck shuffles on the couch until they’re facing each other, takes both of Eddie’s hands in his. 

“Eddie,” he says softly, “are you okay?”

The world blurs as the tears he’s been fighting finally break free, but he feels strong. Brave. Like he can do anything now that Buck’s holding his hand.

“No,” he says, a crack in his voice but the conviction behind it still firm. “No, I’m not okay.”

The floodgates open, and he lets everything wash over him, all the things he’s been holding back, forcing away in the hopes that they’d just disappear one day. He’s floating and sinking and lost in the waves of it all, but strong arms wrap around him and pull him close, and there’s relief. Not a lot, not enough, but it’s there, for the first time since he woke up in the hospital. He feels safe here, with Buck wiping away his tears and pressing kisses along his hairline. He honestly forgot what safety felt like, was sure he’d never feel anything like it again. But he knew it that day he was bleeding out on the street, and he knows it now — it feels like Buck’s sweatshirt and smells like his aftershave and sounds like whispers of it’s okay and I’ve got you.

It all subsides, eventually, but Buck still holds him close, presses their foreheads together so there’s nothing else Eddie can focus on. His eyes are piercing, bright like Eddie only usually sees when Buck has a plan that refuses to be derailed.

“Let me help, Eddie,” he says, punctuated with a kiss on Eddie’s cheek. “I know you think you can do this yourself, but you don’t have to. I don’t want you to. Let me help you carry it.”

His voice left with the rush of everything, so all Eddie can do is nod before sinking back into Buck, into relief. Even that simple motion, the silent acknowledgement that he’s not alone anymore, is enough to let small seeds of hope sink into him and take root. They’re still weak, still unfamiliar, but they’re here, waiting to grow. 

And Eddie knows, with a certainty that he forgot he was capable of, that Buck will be here to help tend to them, no matter how long it takes for them to blossom.

~~~~~~~~~~

When Eddie wakes up the next morning, he still feels weighed down. There’s still an edge, an unease low in his gut, anxiety still crawling through his veins.

He’s not okay. But he looks over and sees Buck — breathing even, arm thrown over Eddie’s stomach, keeping him close — and the ever-present darkness fades from an angry black to melancholy grey. Not perfect, not even close, but better.

He’s not okay. He hasn’t been for a while. But now, finally, he feels like he will be.

[rivendellsstuff]

𝐀𝐃𝐎𝐑𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔 ━━━ 𝐋𝐄𝐕𝐈 𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐄𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐍

𝐀𝐝𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐘𝐨𝐮 | ❝In despair, he condemns his desires. Regretted, he know the consequences would be eternal and all he wanted was you. Your fiery personality, bright lips and soft skin.❞

𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 2310;

Genre: friends to lovers;

𝐃𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐫: Mentions of canon-typical violence. The first chapter is set before the events of the first season. Friends with benefits — so, it'll be eventual smut (like, a lot!)

𝐀𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: English isn't my natives language, so if you spot a misspelled word or anything else, feel free to let me know.

━━━━ 𝐅𝐈𝐑𝐒𝐓 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑

Some men's whish the glory, others crawl like snakes by power and there is those who live like rats in the system. However, there is a exception — and his names is Levi Ackerman. Emerged from the underground, by dust and blood, forged as a weapon at an early age and steeped in pride, he raised as humanity's strongest soldier. He carries a doctrine, imbedded in his bones: he serves to humanity, the balance and the freedom of mankind. If there is a threat, he is the man who can fight against it, ranging from cruel people to evil titans.

He was born in cruel times and did his best to survive in the Underground. He found a glory he wasn't looking for. Something many wish to through their lives, but which, for him, was irrelevant. They all bleed, they all are stuck on the Walls and share the same ended chapter: the death. The final outcome is not defined by possessions, achievements or privileges in life. The only difference was that could get death any easier and painless. Levi was not a hypocrite: he would rather a peaceful death, lying on his bed, instead of being eaten by a titan.

He rather — and is all what it is. It wasn't like if he had any choice. The Ackerman's family were designed to protect the people and to fight. They were cursed with a power. Some people could say it is a miracle in dark times. Others would argue that mans were corrupted, cruel and too ambitious to deal with that awakened power. Well, Levi knows, that no everyone were worthy to possess such ability — Kenny, that asshole, was one of them.

However, there was kind strange situation. An only exception, an affliction that hung over through the heart and maddened his mind: you.

Desire wasn't a word enough to define how he feels close to you, a fearless female warrior, who destroy each barrier he has built over the years, causing delirium with the thought of you hurt. Levi knew he would have taken a checkmate just by desiring you.

But when it all starts? He couldn't say with sure. Maybe, when he, Farlan and Isabel were recruited by the Survey Corps, and you were the only one who spoke to them without undriveable mock and trial. You, besides Erwin, didn't seem to care where they came from. As deeply loyal as you were to your comrades, you didn't depend on your interactions with them for take a direction — you were content to follow your own passions and desires without input from anyone else.

Maybe it started when he saw you in battle or an a argue with a member of Military Police Regiment. Fear is not in yours's vocabulary when you are on the battlefield or when you are speaking her mind to others.

As their partnership grew, he'd find some similarities between you, but also many differences.

You, just like him, has little patience for any form of prose or riddles when you are communicating with others. You speak bluntly and without pretense, and expects others to do the same, prefers to get to the point and doesn’t seek to romanticize your expectations or intentions. You also are focused on the present issues and what role you can play in protecting the people that you love, what can prevent you from seeing the future results of your present actions and, unlike him, does result in some impulsive and risky — yet brave— actions.

All these little things over the years, made him fall in love with you, and Levi had ways to say it without saying "I love you".

Like that night.

He wasn't hiding his disgust face when handed you a cup full of that steaming, black liquid; the simply smelling coffee could make your stomach turn, but still, he prepares a cup for you every night.

As the second in the command, you have spent several evenings together conducting the next advances of the squadron. So, there you are, sitting next to him, eyes focused on the paper, turning the pen between your fingers and... biting your lower lip.

Occasionally, almost instinctively Levi raises his eyes to you. Being so close of you was it's a unique feeling. The smell of your perfume as stunning, and his throat closes around the words he would like to say. The tension that has been brought in was too dangerous for someone like him.

Fucking woman, fucking lips. Fuck you!

''Is there a problem?'', you inquired making eye contact for the first time that night. He couldn't say if there was perversion when you wet your own lips, but Levi felt his muscles become tense and contracted when you made it.

Levi responded with a faint whimper before observed: ''You shouldn't be drinking so much coffee at this time. You look like shit when don't get sleep''.

Lie. Fucking hell, you're always beautiful, but no way he'd say what he thought.

You rolled your eyes. ''It's you who did'', you put forth.

''I wasn't in the mood to put up with a brat attitude from you.''

''Brat? You know that we have about the same age, don't you?'', your gaze traveled from the figure sat in front of you to the window, confused as to why you would be embarrassed about his presence. You took in a breath before adding: ''Anyway, don't want sleep.''

There was a pause for a few seconds. You and he eyed each other.

''Why?'', he asks, authoritative one.

You shrugged and shook your head firmly. ''It doesn't matter.''

''If it doesn't matter, why would I have asked that?''

"Cause you're snooper”, you smirked.

''I'm not a snooper, brat."

He felt his heart begin to quicken when you carried the pen to your lips and start biting.

"Yes, you are a horrible snooper old man, bossy and with an astonishing mania for cleanliness."

"Old? You know we have about the same age”; he repeats. His eyes drifted back to your face, noticing your gaze had shifted again to the woods beyond the window. "And you're avoiding the question", he softly says (at least as softy as he could be), interrupting your rampant thoughts. "Are you alright?"

Levi watches in silence as you'd shoulders slump.

"I can't sleep. My mind has the scary capability of being evil, although I always thought that one day it'd get better", you're voice was low and flat, quiet and a little sad as you spoke to Levi, who seemed to know what are you exactly referred to and only nodded at your words. "I feel guilty. All the time."

Even in the darkness the room held, your eyes find his greys one like the starlight's.

''Are you afraid of your dreams, too?'', you asked, never expecting the humanity strongest soldier to have any fears.

'Yes'', he said quietly.

You nodded with hesitation, his words repainting in your head as you struggled to forma a sentence to answered.

Levi was used to such sadness, he had month's — no, years — to griever over the deaths of his mother and friends. Death was not uncommon thing in his life. His childhood who should be carefree, playing in the sun, was like a living nightmare, learning to fight in the darkness of Underground. Later, when he left the place to join the Survey Corps, he accepted to live in that never ending tragedy that people had sadly grown used to. Death was more common in that job than anything else, and he knows how badly it fuck with his mind.

“I’m beginning to think we’re a lot alike… you and me. We’re both strange cast, who’ve learned to fight when we’re backed into a corner'', you began weakly.

''Well, we’re backed into a corner now. Two fucking insomniacs”, he shook his head, thinking about your words. He didn't seem to like the way your voice sounded sadder. You raised your eyes to him again as he slowly spoke: ''You're not alone''

You answered a tiny smile onto your lips. Levi felt his cheeks burn and opposite glanced to your empty coffee cup, thinking that he'll able to always tolerate your strange addiction.

A few second later you both went back to work, and Levi was left with words stuck, temptation planted in the mind and a sure thing for him: the insomniac nights would become better by you.

【 ━━ 】

Inside Wall Sheena, guests were arriving, among them five members of the Scout Regiment - consisting mostly of commanders - walked through the gates, exuding self-confidence, bitter to participate in that boring and stupid meeting.

Little lies, little social sacrifices to feed what kept the Scout Regiment going: funding.

It was not necessary to be an expert in politics to see beyond the traditional veil of those events, to perceive the intentions of certain parliamentarians, very sadistic. Knowing it was part of your job to relate to these kinds of people annoyed you.

For one minute, you saw out of the corner of your eyes, the first on your command. The man of grey eyes used a black suit that fits perfectly. Be present in an event with so many politics didn't seem to his liking. Was kind of hard for all of you play nice one with all this tension in the air.

You've never felt the feeling of fear and tension like that inside the Walls before.

''Stop frowning before you break your face''

'It would be so sad, and you would cry for being depriving of that beautiful face''

''Oh, fuck yourself'', he says, angrily.

''If you watch''

You smirched at his expression as he looks up to you, after seeing your face, he turns away.

''Watch your words, brat''

''Or what, old man? What will you do to me?''

He looks back up at you.

''I could break you habit of drinking coffee, put you to clean all the HQ or even to help Hange with the experiments. The three together seems good, by the way''

You roll your eyes.

''You're mean''

'You're annoying'', he replied. ''And you know, if you keep rolling your eyes one day their going to get stuck like that''

''Are you trying to be funny?''

His little grin showed up making you roll eyes into a smile. He was terribly bossy and annoying, but you like that about him.

You took the glass of wine to your lips and raised your eyes to hit his. Levi hovered over you, making you felt that flame into your heart once more. Your eyes tailed down to Levi's lips then back to his eyes. You could feel your heart beating recklessly.

Fucking grey eyes, fucking black suit. Fuck you!

You felt a thumb on your cheeks, making them burn.

''You look...'', he started whispered and slightly caress your cheeks. Your body started to get hot under his soft touch. ''... beautiful. You look beautiful''

You were speechless.

You liked the sudden ardor, of the dangerous attraction, of folly and frivolous with provocative sins. Liked and thought how the taste of his lips would be: the indomitable, the irresistible, the powerful and sin.

He slowly dragged his hand down to my thorax wrapping his hands around it. A soft gasp escaped of your lips.

''You know... If you want dance, it'll not rude to ask'', you try to say. ''The song is awful, but I'm not a demanding partner''

''Only if you don’t step on my foot''

His prepotency make you smile.

''Don’t be a bad partner and there will be no mistakes'', you retorted, making him raised one of the eyebrows. ''That's how a men should behave next to a woman''

He took you in his arms, abruptly, making the bodies collide with intensity. You gasped, very close to Levi's ears, who felt the hairs stand on the back of his neck. Leading you through music, in no second was the look averted, in a battle for unknown control.

You and Levi explored a unique experience.

He stares burned deep into your body. His touch on your skin made your body tingle.

Fuck, control yourself. Don't get turned on by him!

He didn't say anything, just left you hold into him. You could feel your body burning around him. What was he doing to you? It felt like a spell. The effect of sin, of desire. You should get rid of that, all you needed least were distractions in the workplace and ruin the friendship, trust and partnership that you two took so long to build.

However, both keep looking to each other longer than friends should. Longer than friends should...

He could saw you lost inside your mind. Slowly, he pulled down his fingers, lazily touching the skin of your exposed back by the dress. Levi's vision was blinded by the desire his image represented. The surroundings smelled wine and fruits, intoxicating his sense. The ears, doomed to hear the political bullshit. His tact could burn by touching you. His taste? It was dangerous, because wanted to discover the taste of your lips and body.

But not now, not here.

You are his friend — the only who was left. In despair, he condemns his desires. Regretted, he knew the consequences would be eternal and all he wanted was you. Your fiery personality, bright lips and soft skin.

To hell all of that. When you both got back, he'll fucked you, every way that he can thinking off. He wants to pound into you, slammed into you and give the best night that you ever have. He wants to kiss every inch of your skin.

''Good girl'', he whispers next to your ears. ''But I'll show you how true men should behave next to a woman when we get back''

[unloved-cadillac]

Hello there! I love your work, and I was hoping if I can request a Levi x Reader where the reader is going through a terrible sickness and there's a likely chance they'll die. But Levi's there for her and refusing her to die, so he's doing all he can do to keep them alive.

C/n: loved writing this! Thanks for requesting and I hope that you enjoy 🤍

——————————————————————————

Painful Resistance. (Levi x Reader)

Y/n sat next to Levi and the other Vets as supper was served. The day was long but worth it since Erwin got a huge supply of meat for the Survey Corps. Everyone drank, ate and laughed while they chatted and enjoyed the night.

Levi took a sip of his tea and placed his cup down then reached over and grasped Y/n’s hand. He suddenly turned and looked at her. “Y/n? Are you okay? You’re burning up.” Levi asks as he checks her temperature. “I..don’t know. I’ve been like this since the morning.” She answers and blinks away the blurriness that formed in her eyes. “You don’t look too good, Y/n.” Mike says and Y/n holds her head. “Levi, this headache is killing me.” She whispers and Levi gulps slightly. “It’s ok. Come on, let’s get you to bed.” He gets up with her and holds her as they begin to walk.

Y/n abruptly stopped and held Levi’s bicep tightly. “Y/n?” She sighs and sways forward, eyes rolling back and collapsed. Luckily, Levi caught her before she hit the floor and yelled for Hange.

~~~~

“A fever?” Levi asks and Hange with Moblit nods. “Levi, it’s not an ordinary one. This has been building up for weeks and it caused a type of fever that…it’s fatal, Levi.” Hange sighs and Levi shakes his head. “No. No, I don’t believe you. She can’t be that sick. The fever will go down, right? Right?! Hange!” Levi yells and Hange puts her head down.

“Captain, right now all we can do is watch over her. Make sure she doesn’t spike in temp or suddenly drop. She needs to be in a special room.” Moblit butts in.

“Would I be able to be with her?” Levi asks, stepping forward in a threatening manner.

“Yes, but sir-..”

“No buts. She’s my wife and I won’t be taking any excuses. Just..fix her. Do something.”

~~~~

Y/n was moved to a cooler wing of the castle with large windows and the best care. Levi made sure he got her the best doctors Paradis could offer, he even stropped so low into using his title of Humanity’s Strongest to get them.

He didn’t care. He just wanted Y/n to be okay.

Right now, it’s been four weeks since Y/n slipped into a coma and gave the doctors a health scare. It was terrifying because she had to incubated. Levi stood and watch in horror as they shoved the rod into his wife’s throat and almost threw up at the sight. Not in disgust, but in shock and scare.

Levi stayed with her all this time, Erwin being kind enough to sign him off until Y/n woke up, and in that time she got worse. The color in her cheeks started to disappear and her face falling. She lost so much of weight. Her collarbones being prominent and cheeks hollowing. It reminded him…it made him remember of how he watched his mother slowly die.

He shook his head and held Y/n’s hand as he cried. “This can’t be happening. Not again. Please.” He whispers as he grip tightens. Levi looked at her sleeping face and kissed the back of her hand. “Don’t do this, Y/n. You can’t leave. Not now. Not ever. You promised, idiot. You promised me. Fight. Please,” he bows his head as he continues,

“Come back to me.”

~~~~

Days later, a new doctor was brought to Y/n and Levi looked at her. “You are?” He asks, voice hoarse from not being used in so long. “Dr Jean Francis. I’ve been called by Hange Zoe to see to a Mrs Ackerman. I take it that you are Mr Ackerman.” She sticks out a hand to shake but Levi doesn’t leave his wife’s side.

Dr Francis smiles and pulls her hand back. “Ok. Sir, I’m here to help. If I’ve been called that means my cousin couldn’t and it’s that serious. So please, let me.” She says in a stern voice as she puts on latex gloves.

“Do what you have to do to save her.” Levi says after a long silence and Dr Francis nods. “I’m going to check her vitals really quick.” She says and begins her check up in Y/n.

“Blood pressure: good. Heart rate: stable. Temperature…mm.” Dr Francis mumbles and Levi picks up on her resistance. “What is it?”

“Her temperature appears to be normal. So what…” suddenly, the machines start to rapidly beep and Levi jumps up. Nurses and doctors rush in and Levi is pushed outside. “Levi!” Hange yells as she runs to him. “What happened?” Hange looks inside to see everyone around Y/n and Levi just stares in shock.

“I…I don’t know.”

~~~~

“A bug? What do you mean a big?” Levi asks as he crosses his arms.

“This particular bug is only found in river water. It’s one that instantly seeks refuge in the internal organs. It was hard for Hange and the rest to find because it’s symptoms make it seem as one of that a fever.” Dr Francis explains and Levi grips his head. “What is it?” Hange asks Levi.

“It’s my fault. That one day, she was thirsty while we were out for a walk. She drank the water…I knew I should have stopped her. Fuck.” Levi groans and cups his face.

“It’s no ones fault except for the bug’s.” Dr Francis assures the worried man.

“Is there a cure, Jean?” Hange asks her.

“Yes. But, it’s a work in progress. The chances of Y/n surviving is..a 35% chance. I’m sorry, Levi.”

Levi shakes his head and looks at Francis. “You bring that cure here. I’ll pay however much, just help her.”

“Levi, you got to understand, it’s a work in progress. It could do more harm than good-…”

“I DONT CARE!” He yells and Francis sighs. “Bring me that cure. I’m not losing her too.” Levi concludes and head aback into the room where Y/n laid.

Francis rubs her temple and Hange lays a hand on her cousin’s shoulder. “Bring it. It’s the best option we have right now.”

~~~~

When Francis brought the cure, she sat next to Y/n and prepared her for the multiple injections. “We won’t see results instantly. It’ll take a while. A week at minimum. It’s not going to be easy either. It’s painful, her heart will start to beat faster it will be a scary experience.” She says, telling Levi. “Ok.” Is all he replies.

Once Y/n was injected, Levi slept next to her. “I know you can hear me, Y/n. I know that you’re just pretending. But I’ll let you play for now. Promise you’ll wake up? Doc says that it’s going to hurt. I know I vowed to never hurt you but I have to do this, baby. When you wake, you can swear me, slap me, whatever. But I want you awake. Just bare with it, you’ve been through worse. I know.” He kisses her forehead and continues,

“I love you, Y/n. So much. Wake up soon, alright?”

~~~~

It’s as if Levi was living in hell.

Y/n got so much worse than before. Her skin turning dark and bruises formed and he was so angry. He shouldn’t have done this. If he knew it was going to be this bad he wouldn’t have said anything.

It’s been a week and a half since the cure was injected into Y/n and Francis was explaining what might happen. “It will be a shock factor. Once she gets up, she will throw up all types of bile which is the bug and other impurities. The incubator isn’t necessary now so that’s good.” She notes and Levi just stares at Y/n’s face.

Dr Francis didn’t want to say anything further so she bid farewell after injecting morphine into Y/n’s veins.

That night, while everyone slept including Levi, Y/n sprung out of bed and threw up all over the bed. Levi slept on the chair and was awoken by her. His eyes widened as he quickly gave her a small bag. Y/n threw up and Francis and Hange entered the room.

“Y/n!” Hange yells and runs to her side and rubs her back. When Y/n was done, she looked up and then at Levi. She tried to speak but Levi hushed her. “It’s okay, baby. Don’t speak. You’re okay.” Whether he was assuring her or him was a mystery but his love came back.

When Y/n started to get better, Levi never left her. “I love you, Levi. Thank you.” She says and he grips her hand. “Say it again.” He says and she chuckles.

“I love you.”

“Again.”

“I love you!”

Levi smiles and laid next to her as she drifted off to sleep. The painful resistance she had just to come back to him was something he would always be grateful for. Just to know that she was here, breathing, talking, laughing with him made Levi at ease.

Kuchel watched her son cuddle his wife as she stood at the foot of the bed. She smiles and disappears. Levi looks up and his eyes search the room. He furrows his eyebrows but ends up going back to sleep with Y/n.

——————————————————————————

“W.D.Y.W.F.M?”

🖤🤍Thanks for reading🤍🖤

-Caddy.