#just crawling out of the art block hole

[majickth]

Lets get to work.

[heartfullofleeches]

femboy creep reader would def have one of those dentist teddy bears... but with real teeth that they took found

Some boys like roses, some like plies of teeth and bones left at their doorstep to use for their special art projects.

-

"I've sent you flowers, meals, my credit card information, even my medical records and samples of my blood when you asked - why won't you go out with me!"

Blocked. Didn't even send a full pint like you asked. You'll never have enough blood to finish that painting tucked away in your closet at this rate. Rolling onto your side, a knock at your window weeps away the brief flicker of tranquility you felt at ridding yourself of another parasite chasing after your tail. When will they learn that sweet gestures like those just aren't enough for a boy anymore?

Crawling out of bed, you walk over to window and take a peak outside. The thick layer of glass muffles footsteps growing fainter in the distance. Unlocking the latch, you open and lean out the window in an attempt to get a better look at them - knocking over the wrapped box left on the sill in the process.

"A gift?" It's not an entirely uncommon occurrence. You're used to them being left on your doorstep, but this was new. Long as they aren't trying to break in you can't really complain. You're tempted to throw it right out, but the wrapping paper- what a gorgeous shade of red. You pick at the tape as you walk back over to your bed, intending to salvage the paper for later use. The box pops as you peel back the final piece seeming to have none taped to the cardboard itself. You look inside. A fluffy brown bear looks back. You'd like to say they were smiling, but it would be pretty hard for them to do so with that giant hole in their mouth. A note sits on its little tummy, held in place by its tiny claws. You read aloud it to yourself.

"Have fun, pretty boy~ Got more for you on the way if you're willing to keep me around.

Much Love, your secret admirer."

The box was definitely heavier than the weight of a plush bear. Lifting your new friend out of the box, another prize awaits. You run your fingers over the eggshell colored object, trailing them downwards till you reach imperfections in its smooth surface. Sockets, nostrils, teeth. You toss the bear onto the bed and pull the second object out. A pair of pliers at the bottom of the box next to a photograph builds up the excitement fluttering in your stomach. Scooping the bear up in your arms, its jaws fall slack - a second note lodged in the back of its mouth.

"Call me. ;)"

You snuggle the bear to your chest- retrieving your phone from the nightstand.

"This is more like it. Don't worry, little guy. I'll give you all your teeth back- then we'll send whoever sent you a nice thank you message."

[heph]

TLDR: Got any drawing exercises to recommend?

I’m in loooove with the way you use lines, shapes and colors/shading to show form in your art. The way you draw bodies shows a lot of understanding of the shapes that go into them, and that’s something I often personally struggle with. I’m familiar with the shapes of a face, but when it comes to connecting them to the shapes of the body and so on, I get frustrated that it’s jumbled instead of cohesive.

I was wondering, when you’re looking to practice, whether that’s anatomy, line-making, still life shapes or whatever, do you have any exercises you’ve done and would be willing to share? I’ve been trying to crawl out of the no-art-depression-hole for a bit and want to start with things that don’t take much willpower but help me improve

I might be the worst person to ask this! My relationship with art is not typical and I do not practice mindfully! (I just draw whatever I want and that's my practice, y'know?

Anyways, here's my progress of how I learnt to draw :3

Step 1 is proportions - breaking up the human body into manageable blocks and pieces. And step 2 is learning the muscles that build up the body, and from there you can simplify as needed... Or do that thing anime art kids do and skip directly to the simplified bit! (You probably shouldn't do that but if it's a hobby who cares!)

For specific tutorials, I find that proko is probably the best mix of entertaining/educational content you can find, but aside from that I watch a lot of speedpaints.

As a sort of get rich quick scheme, I think the absolute easiest way to get stupidly good at art is studying perspective - but you at least need a basic understanding of proportions and anatomy before you can draw someone in a funky perspective.

Everything in life is in perspective, and every piece of work you will ever make will have perspective in it. Perspective is sort of like an all-encompassing thing in our reality that you don't realise is there, and maybe even not realise is missing in your work (just that something feels... Wrong) AND LIKE NOBODY EVER TALKS ABOUT IT! WHAT THE FLIP!!!

I don't really have a specific source for learning perspective, because I've been on-and-off trying to wrap my head around it for a few years (I'm still awful at it but I'm getting there...!) here's a video!

I do think that drawing with progression in mind might help, but I think with art (as a hobby) the most important thing is probably love for a special guy and joy of creation. You have to love what you're drawing and the simple act of creating, or it just won't work out. If you're in a depression hole maybe just try creating for the sake of it, and don't give yourself too many expectations :)

[whereianonymouslypostfics]

Art Crawl

Pairing: Wanda Maximoff x reader

Word count: ~1.8k

Summary: More Little Nat milestones

A/N: A two in one

Warnings: fluff, cuteness, minor angst, cursing

“Mama look!” 

It’s Sunday night and your family is all gathered for dinner at your place. It’s as hectic as you expected with 7 adults, three dogs, and a toddler in attendance. You’re sure that Fletcher’s around somewhere but you haven’t seen her, so you don’t bother to include her. She’ll probably make an appearance at some point, but for now you’re focused on the full living room and kitchen as you help Natasha finish up dinner.

You glance over your shoulder at Natalya who’s still sitting in the living room with her Mama and Bucky. She’s been feely artsy lately, and both you and Wanda had been gifted many, many pictures of varying colors and shapes. You have over a dozen, and Wanda’s already begun to figure out how to hang them all up around the house. 

You can’t tell what your four-year old is drawing from here, but you notice that both Wanda and Bucky are smiling widely at the likely incomprehensible picture. It’s mostly your daughter’s adorable smile that is making them happy anyway.

“She’s so cute.” 

You can’t help but agree with this and you nod as you hand a serving dish to Nat for the mashed potatoes that you’d convinced Yelena to not add cheese to.

“She really is. I’ll have to show you the picture that she drew of her dogs.” 

You definitely wouldn’t have been able to guess that they were dogs if Natalya hadn’t told you what she was drawing. She’d used a green crayon and it ended up looking like a lot of grass, but as always, Wanda fawned over it and added it to the gallery she was setting up. 

You glance to Steve, Piet, and Yelena who are standing outside drinking or helping grill part of their dinner. The door’s opened so the dogs can come and go, but they mostly play out in the yard while it’s still light out. You turn your attention back to your daughter who’s already great at multi-tasking. She holds her crayon in one fist as she grabs a stray block and hands it to Bucky. With his help, but mostly on her own, she’s been building a tower of blocks that’s even higher than the table she’s sitting at. You’re pretty sure that if Natalya stood up, it would almost be as tall as she is. 

“Uncle Bucky here! Please. Thank you!” 

That’s another thing that Natalya was great at. She’d learned to say please and thank you early on, and she said them both almost always at the same time. You and Wanda figure you can wait a bit to correct her. It was just so cute. 

You and Natasha finish up dinner around the same time that the trio outside does. You smile as you watch them all step into the living room with the dogs on their heels. You are walking out of the kitchen toward the table with the potatoes in hand when Rogue runs to greet Wanda. Unfortunately, he knocks over Natalya’s block tower in the process and sends them scattering with his tail. 

You wince and Wanda opens her mouth to scold Rogue, but both of you fall short when Natalya speaks up.

“Shit!”

You nearly drop the bowl in your hands. You have to hurry to set it down as you stare at your daughter in shock. Everyone else has frozen, except the dogs, with similar looks of disbelief on their face. Unfortunately, Wanda looks horrified and is the first one to react. Pietro eventually looks like he’s about to start laughing, but luckily Wanda speaks up before this happens. 

“Natalya! Don’t say that, please. It’s a bad word.” 

Everyone watches with bated breath as your daughter mulls this over with a frown. She looks to her mama before turning to her drawing that you can see looks like a black hole now that you’re closer. You ignore Boone when he comes up to you. Your full attention is on your wife and daughter as Natalya’s expression turns petulant. 

Uh oh.

“Why?” 

Wanda reminds herself that Natalya likely doesn’t know that what she said was bad. Even if she does, Wanda needs to be careful with how she explains this. She knows her daughter is smart, but even at such a young age, she sees a rebellious streak on the horizon and she doesn’t want to encourage that so soon. She takes a deep breath and resists the urge to look to you for help as she shakes her head with a frown.

“Some words shouldn’t be used. There are better ways to say how we feel.” 

All of the adults who are still paying attention wait for Natalya to agree and move on. Hopefully she’ll continue drawing while the table’s set and then this entire ordeal would be forgotten. At least for the time being. 

However, when Natalya looks to you, you feel as if you’re about to be thrown under the bus. 

“But Mom said it! When she was singing.” 

You want to crawl into a hole, or better yet, fall into the black hole that Little Nat had drawn when your wife turns to you. The look in her eyes tells you that you’re in trouble later, and you try not to shrink back in fear and shame. However, now that you’ve been dragged into the conversation kicking and screaming, you suppose it’s your turn to say something. For the life of you, you can’t remember what Natalya is talking about. You’ve always been very careful to not curse around her. You had been determined not to be the reason why Natalya knew curse words. 

Obviously, you’d failed.

When you manage to find your voice, you have to clear your throat because it’s dry all of a sudden. 

“Singing?” 

You should have left well enough alone. Or at least been more specific because you forgot how toddlers took everything literally. Sometimes it was cute, but right now it was really, really annoying.

Natalya’s face lights up as she starts to sing before returning her attention to her drawing. She probably figures that she’s about to end the conversation instead of make it worse.

“Yeah! The “I’m Like a Virgin” song!”

You feel your face heat up and it’s only a millisecond later that you hear Pietro start to cackle. You turn to him and see that Steve’s covering his mouth while Yelena’s smiling widely. You turn to look over your shoulder when you hear Natasha clear her throat. Great. You’re glad that everyone is entertained. That they’re enjoying your misery. 

Wanda’s eyes widen and you know for sure that you’re in for it because she shoots you such a ‘are you kidding me’ look that you have to turn away. You decide that you have to try to fix this now, or you’ll certainly be sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future. 

You ignore your friends that have started to scatter and help set the table, to move toward the couch. You watch Bucky escape to the kitchen as you nudge Rogue out of the way before sitting down beside Natalya. You sigh and pointedly don’t look at your wife as you reach out for Little Nat’s shoulder. 

“Your Mama’s right, Nat. I shouldn’t have said it, so you shouldn’t either okay?” 

Natalya glances up from her drawing with a worried look that you hate you may have caused. You risk a glance at Wanda and as expected she’s focused on Natalya. You resist the urge to squeeze your daughter’s shoulder tighter in hopes that this will somehow communicate your desire for her to help you out. You know there’s no avoiding Wanda’s wrath, but hopefully it will be a little less…intense after this. 

“So, I’m not in trouble?” 

Natalya’s shooting you such a hopeful look that you can’t help but shake your head immediately. You quickly realize that you should be more specific because it’s only come back to bite you in the ass once already. 

“As long as you don’t say the word again, no. You’re not in trouble.” 

Natalya smiles at this before nodding and returning to her drawing. She starts to happily hum, luckily not“Like a Virgin”, under her breath, and you finally breathe a sigh of relief. You shoot Wanda an apologetic look that she just frowns at before standing up. 

“Natalya we’ll be right back.” 

You cringe but don’t hesitate to stand up and follow your wife into the den. You walk past your snickering friends and move to sit on the couch as Wanda slides the door shut behind her. You take a deep breath preparing to apologize, but Wanda beats you to it. 

“Seriously, Y/n? What happened to not cursing around Natalya?” 

You shake your head before you groan under your breath. You still can’t remember when you would have done this. Sure, you sang out loud sometimes, but it was never something so inappropriate. Actually, you’ve been singing Disney songs for the most part because they were the safest. Certainly, safer than Madonna.

“I don’t know, Wands. I really don’t remember what she’s talking about.”

Wanda’s frowning as she puts her hands on her hips and you honestly feel like a chastised little kid when she uses her ‘mom’ voice on you. You’re not sure when her stern voice transitioned from mob boss to mom, but you aren’t sure you like it any better. 

“Well obviously you did since she heard you.”

Since there’s not much you can say to make this better, you just stand up and reach out for Wanda. You’re not surprised when she shakes you off and shoots you a glare that pins you in place. You switch tactics and look down at the ground before managing to meet your wife’s annoyed gaze with a contrite one. 

“I’m sorry, Wands. I’m really sorry. I promise I won’t do it again. I won’t ever curse in front of Natalya again.” 

You think about falling to your knees and pleading when Wanda just stares at you, but eventually she sighs in defeat. You still think you’re going to have to apologize again, but when Wanda just shakes her head and turns toward the door you decide that it might just have to happen later. Wanda might just need some time to forgive you. 

“Alright. Well let’s go eat now. Everyone’s waiting on us.” 

You follow Wanda out with your head held high like you didn’t just get scolded. You see that most of your friends are standing around the table talking to Natalya, but you don’t see your brother-in-law. You turn and spot him in the kitchen, and you frown when he smirks at you.

“I made it through the wilderness…” 

You roll your eyes and scoff at Pietro before shooting him a glare.

“Fuck off, Piet.” 

You failed to realize that Wanda had stopped to wait for you until you hear her gasp from behind you. You curse yourself again and close your eyes with an inaudible groan. You’ve really done it now.

“Y/n!” 

Little Nat Adventures

[grenade-maid]

Signalis, Authority, and History

There's a level of nuance to how Signalis presents the violence of the authority of the nation that doesn't call attention to itself but which I really appreciate. Which is basically just, all the officers and cops and spies who make life hell for people like the Gestalt mine workers, Ariane, and the Itou family--we get little glimpses into who they are in Adler and Kolibri's diaries and despite the propaganda and the authoritative tone they take in official communications, for the most part they don't seem to actually be particularly invested in the hard line of national ideology. They uphold it though, viciously, both because things were worse under imperial rule (we don't get hard details on what it was like but it's mentioned in passing enough that I believe it) and because they're scared that if they don't they will be decommissioned and easily replaced. They are literally stamped out of a production line after all. There's a subtext of well, if I don't do it my replacement will anyway and I'm not trying to die so what's the point of rocking the boat?

I think Kolibri stands out to me most clearly on this because in communications from the block warden regarding Ariane there is emphasis put on how it is unacceptable and suspicious that she should be so interested and invested in art and literature that does not serve the purpose of furthering the goals of the nation. But we know that Kolibris themselves are bookworms, Adlers are fiends for stimulating experiences, and both get miserable FAST when deprived of art and puzzles and entertainment and hobbies. Y'know, just like anyone. Far be it from being a paragon of The Nation only interested in productive labor, we are reminded that the block warden, too, hates this shitty town and wants to transfer but is denied. They're hypocrites, but not monsters, nor brainwashed puppets of the state.

The monstrousness at play is not contained within any particular subset of evil individuals, or even an inherent universal force of evil contained in the broad notion of The Nation. There is no cosmic evil force that makes them all do these things to each other. The monstrousness is within the social systems, the mechanisms of how authority perpetuates on a structural procedural level, held in place by fear and tangible threats of violence, each link in the chain restraining the next through those threats out of fear that if they don't, then they'll be next. Regardless how many, if any, of those people in this chain are true dogmatic hardliners, they must act as such because failing to do so opens them up to danger.

Here then I think of the quote that is so prominent, "Great holes secretly are digged where earth’s pores ought to suffice, and things have learnt to walk that ought to crawl", from Lovecraft's The Festival. This is not just a chilling abstract visual that conveniently evokes a mineshaft-- in Lovecraft's story, this line refers to worms which ate the decomposing bodies of wizards whose wretched souls had remained after death, complete with the terrible powers they gained through contracts with demons. Those worms inherited both their power, and also the evil. The Nation, despite having overthrown the Empire, is built on imperial technology, in particular Replikas and bioresonance. So too, then, we can imply that The Nation inherited with those things some of the monstrousness of The Empire as well. There is no end of history, nor clean break with the past, no matter how violently it may seem to be rejected. That which remains from the past--and something inevitably always does--creates the present.

This is a game that is not shy about evoking East Germany. And I think all of this provides a sophisticated picture of repressive authority that we rarely see in fiction of the English speaking world, especially in games. The year the S23 incident takes place is notably 84, but, frankly, I find this to be more compelling and illustrative than 1984 (and I'm a librarian and have taught English classes so I get to say that). Orwell, let's be honest, presents a fairly one dimensional picture of authority, where people seize power and wield it against others out of seeming mustache twirling evil or malice.

Here though we get a more humanistic view. Authority did not come from nowhere and is not wielded arbitrarily out of gleeful cruelty or mindless brainwashed allegiance. People aren't "just following orders". Individuals have rich inner lives. They make decisions, and those decisions are based in the context they're in. Even the decision to carry repressive tools of the past into the present is a decision that was made strategically with the big picture in mind. Nobody woke up and decided to be evil that day. Everyone operates on self interest, and, we must assume, an earnest desire for things to get better. Even the [spoiler] program which served as an inspirational demonstration of The Nation's power, you can imagine the chain of officers and bureaucrats who genuinely wanted the people of the nation to believe in the future, to confidently trust that everyone was working together towards something great and beautiful. And, through a long chain of those people who couldn't say "No" without being decommissioned, we ended up with something unbelievably cruel.

We get to know Adler and Kolibri and the other officers not to say well they're human too, maybe it wasn't so bad that they condemned all those people to agonizing suffering, but to remember that if we keep looking for true monsters we will not find them. There are no monsters and there are no demons. There are only people making decisions. A better world is possible. A better world, where Adler is just a paper pusher who does puzzles after work instead of signing papers to authorize torture, where Kolibris are librarians instead of spies and cops, where EULEs can gossip and play piano and ARARs can do maintenance on facilities that don't contain torture rooms, is one that would not have led to the Ariane and Elster's tragic cycle and ultimate end.

Authority and its attendant cruelty is not contained, radiating forth from The Great Revolutionary and Her Daughter, it is within the social systems of control. When those two women die, that cruelty will continue so long as those social systems continue. Like Lovecraft's worms, no matter how long dead the evil of the past is, so long as it continues to be fed upon, that evil will not only remain, but evolve into something new in the present. A better world can't be achieved through the death of the old world alone, even if violent overthrow is warranted. There is no end of history. There is no clean break from the past.

"Men make their own history, but they do not make it as they please; they do not make it under self-selected circumstances, but under circumstances existing already, given and transmitted from the past. The tradition of all dead generations weighs like a nightmare on the brains of the living."

Karl Marx, The Eighteenth Brumaire of Louis Bonaparte

[antigone-ks]

Lantern of Evil

It's been almost 5 years since I posted this on AO3, so I thought it was time to clean up some typos and put it onto Tumblr.

MASTERLIST

Summary:

“You’re in a good mood today,” Natasha commented, holding the phone steady as Tony and Sam devolved into a slap fight. “Haven’t seen you smile this much since, y’know.”

“This is quality entertainment,” Steve said. “You don’t get this every day.”

“No you do not.” She turned the phone toward Bucky, who whistled as he sprinkled sea salt over the meat. He looked up, winked directly at her, then tossed the rest of the seasoning like a long-haired Salt Bae.

“But you seemed pretty chipper when you snuck back in before the show started.”

***

Or, Steve gets de-serumed and falls in love over art, old movies, and taxi dances.

Rating: E for Explicity, Eventually

Tags: Steve Rogers/Reader; Plus Size Reader; Natasha Romanov (Marvel); Tony Stark; Sam Wilson (Marvel); James "Bucky" Barnes; background Bucky/Nat - Freeform; Skinny Steve Rogers; Pre-Serum Steve Rogers; Post-Serum Steve Rogers; De-Serumed Steve Rogers; all of the combinations of serums and Steves; Slow Burn; Awkward Flirting; Awkward reader; Awkward Steve Rogers; neither of these goobers know what they're doing; shameless Letterkenny reference; False Identity; horrible misunderstandings; love in art galleries; love on bridges; love on front porches; will earn rating in later chapters; I hope; inappropriate use of a history degree; Short Reader; Profanity; Fluff; Angst; Fluff and Angst; Smut; Oral Sex; Vaginal Fingering; Making Out; definitely third base; not all-the-way parking but pretty close; Biting; Cunnilingus; Fellatio; Vaginal Sex; Steve wants to be clear that this isn't fucking; Making Love

Chapter One: The Greens of June

And all the greens of June/ Come blowing through the door/ They make me want to live/ Like I never have before

____________________

You settled onto the bench, bag on the floor. The museum had barely opened – a bad sign; it meant you were either blocked or stir-crazy. Or both. Both was bad. You’d had the museum on your list of things-to-do-if-you-had-time, but when you’d first come to town you’d expected that there would never be time. You were getting the change of scenery and relief from responsibilities that you’d always wanted, so of course you never imagined that the same old problems would plague you.

Namely, writer’s block. Imposter Syndrome. “Every word I write is trash and I should sleep in the dumpster”-itis.

You’d gotten this amazing opportunity to take a sabbatical, move half a continent away, and just research the hell out of your magnum opus, a stroke of historical genius. Or what would be your magnum opus, if you could get the damn thing off the ground. Right now it was stuck at brevi opus.

Opus minimis.

You had piles of research, and a good starting point, but you either got stuck on the writing of it or spent days on end organizing the data until the sun coming in the curtains made you feel like a Morlock crawling out of its hole.

So you’d hit the museum.

It’d actually been working pretty well for you, the last few weeks, and you’d started making it part of your routine. Rather than wait for the Bad Times to force you out of the house, you’d come down every two or three days and just . . . pick something. A painting, a sculpture, whatever caught your eye, and you’d study it until your mind felt clear. Sometimes your mind would wander far enough afield that it circled back to your work, and you’d excitedly jot down a new avenue to explore or a turn of phrase you liked. Sometimes you got nothing but a peaceful feeling. Either way, it was good for you, and the initial guilt you’d felt at not being Productive At All Times had faded.

It sort of was productive, anyway. You told yourself so.

For the last couple of visits, you’d sat with Hamilton’s Joan of Arc and the Furies. It was Shakespeare’s Joan, about to be captured by the English and burned for heresy. It’s not . . . good . . . you think, you don’t like it, but there’s something about it. It’s like two different paintings in one, dark and bright, overbearing and reticent.

There aren’t many people around yet, no kiddie camp visits today, so you’re alone in this part of the gallery. The docents are used to you by now, and don’t bother eagle-eyeing you. You lean your chin on your hand and stare hard at Joan, at her Merveilleuse gown, which, like, didn’t Hamilton know she wore pants? Like, famously? But anyway.

“You know,” a deep voice said, “I’ve always wondered what’s going on with the light down by that first fury. What does it symbolize?”

You look over your shoulder at the speaker, a slightly-built blond man with a sketchbook under his arm. He’d shown up a couple of times before, wandering around with more purpose than the average tourist, like he knew which pieces he liked and why. He had a delicate face and serious eyes with just ridiculous lashes. You smiled uncertainly.

“Like, where even is it coming from? Under her skirt?” you ask, and he looks down at you and whoa nelly those are very blue eyes and chuckles.

“Is it the lantern of justice?” he says, quirking an eyebrow.

“Probably not in Shakespeare. Maybe a lantern of evil.”

“She keeps a lantern of evil in her skirt?” He’s smiling openly at you now, and it’s a really nice smile, and that’s the only excuse you have for what comes out of your mouth next.

“Lantern of evil – in my pants!” you chirp, grinning.

His eyebrows shot up and he gave an incredulous hah.

“Like, like the game?” you say hurriedly. “Where you add ‘in my pants’ to a quote, or a movie title?” You can hear your voice rising nervously and fiddle with your glasses to avoid looking at him. “One ring to rule them . . . in my pants?”

He’s laughing now – probably more at you than at the joke – but it’s enough to relax you a little bit.

“I have never played that game,” he said, eyes dancing. “But I know just the person to try it with. I’ve seen you here before,” he went on, glancing back at the painting. The tips of his ears went very pink.

“Yeah, this is turning into my happy place when work’s not going so well.” You look at Joan again and clear your throat. “I think I saw you, too . . . maybe Sunday?” Not that I noticed you. I’m not a creeper. I notice nothing. I can barely see.

He nodded and shrugged. “Probably, yeah. I’ve been here a lot over the past week.”

“Work got you down, too?” you ask. He kind of purses his lips and nods. Taking a breath, you gesture to the empty half of the bench. “Want to share Joan with me? She’ll take your mind off it.”

His smile is a slow, gentle thing, and even though you say nothing more until it’s time to leave, you feel warmer for sitting near him.

***

“Because they’ll clog up the drain.” Tony’s voice is clipped.

“They get rid of odors,” Natasha points out.

“So it was you.”

“You think I drink that light roast nonsense?” She looks up as Steve enters, the light of battle in her eyes. Well, the light of annoying Tony. It’s not hard. “Weak.”

“Now you’re a coffee snob, Romanoff? You – “ Tony points a pair of tongs at Steve “ – do some reconnaissance, rally the troops, whatever it is you do, and catch this villain.”

Steve clucks his tongue and fails to hide a grin. “Coffee grounds again? You know, we could just get a Keurig and solve that problem easily.” He ducks as both Tony and Natasha turn on him, allied in outrage.

“Just for that,” Tony says, “you get whichever steak I overcook.”

Steve eyes the barstools at the island. He can get into them now, but it involves just enough scrambling that it hurts his dignity. No one said anything the first time he did it, not even Tony, and that was somehow worse than teasing would have been. He’s not broken, for God’s sake. He’s a man of temporarily reduced stature. It’ll be fixed in no time, Bruce and Tony and Helen have promised, but . . .

He’d read a book once that described a gnome as a person whose ‘belligerence was compressed into a body six-inches high and, like many things when they are compressed, had an inclination to explode.’[1] Steve didn’t consider himself belligerent – although he had the urge to cross himself in penance and hope that Bucky was in a different building when he thought it – but he did feel like every human emotion was currently packed into a body too small to hold it all. This body didn’t fit, except that it did, and Steve honestly wasn’t sure which feeling was worse.

He leaned against the counter with – he hoped – an insouciant air and nodded at Tony. “’s long as I can gnaw through it.”

“Are you impugning my grilling skills, Rogers?”

“Wait, you’re gonna grill those?” Sam and Bucky entered the kitchen, apparently fresh off a sparring match. Sam’s skin glistened with sweat, and Bucky wasn’t much better off. Sam might not have super serum in his veins, but he wasn’t a pushover in the ring.

“How else d’you cook ‘em?” Bucky asked, wrinkling his nose at Sam.

“You sear ‘em on the stovetop in a cast-iron skillet,” Sam said, holding up one finger, “finish ‘em in the oven,” two fingers, “serve with a garlic-herb butter.” Three fingers, waved in Bucky’s face.

Natasha leaned on the counter next to Steve and pointed her phone toward the argument. “Every time,” she whispered, hitting "record."

“Every time,” Steve answered.

“In the oven? Cook like a man, Sam!”

“Grill makes ‘em too dry,” Sam insisted.

“Hey!” Tony snapped his tongs at Bucky. “My meat. My rules.” He straightened his shoulders under Sam’s withering look. “On the grill, flip once a minute for the good grill marks.”

“That’s overhandling.” Sam’s tone suggested he was heading straight to church to light all of the candles for Tony’s soul.

“Wait – everyone, wait,” Steve broke in. Natasha quirked her lip at him, annoyed that he was ruining the show. He winked at her. “The real issue here is, aren’t you gonna season those things?”

“Yeah, where’s the salt and pepper, bud?” Bucky asked.

“Don’t start with me,” Tony warned.

“Where’s the steak spice,” Sam asked, rummaging through the cupboards. “I made you a steak spice months ago. My own blend, Tony. I gifted it to you. I’m not eating one of your bland-ass steaks again.” Tony abandoned the meat in favor of bodily hauling Sam away from the cupboards, giving Bucky time to grind at least a little peppercorn on each of the steaks.

“ – my steaks alone!” “ – killing the flavor, man. Killing the flavor!” “ – oversalting!” “ – can’t cook ‘em right, you leave it to someone who can!”

“You’re in a good mood today,” Natasha commented, holding the phone steady as Tony and Sam devolved into a slap fight. “Haven’t seen you smile this much since, y’know.”

“This is quality entertainment,” Steve said. “You don’t get this every day.”

“No you do not.” She turned the phone toward Bucky, who whistled as he sprinkled sea salt over the meat. He looked up, winked directly at her, then tossed the rest of the seasoning like a long-haired Salt Bae.

“But you already seemed pretty chipper when you snuck back in before the show started.”

Steve’s eyes were wide with injured innocence. “Snuck? Back in? I –“

“Can it. I don’t care – probably no one will recognize you – but if Tony finds out he’s going to turn into Chicken Little about security.”

“Tony can go lay an egg,” Steve said firmly, making Natasha snort with real laughter.

She sighed. “As hilarious as this is, I’m getting hungry." her voice carried across the kitchen. "Knock it off of or I’m calling Rhodey in.”

Tony straightened, Sam’s arm still around his neck. “Betrayal, Romanoff. I feel betrayed.”

“Yeah, no calling in the brass,” Sam complained. “We can settle this on our own.”

“Better settle that meat on the grill before the others get here,” Steve said. “Want help?”

“Excuse me,” Tony said, affronted. “I can handle the meat.”

The words left Steve’s mouth before he could stop them “ – in my pants?”

Natasha dropped the phone.

____________________

[1] Terry Pratchett, The Fifth Elephant

case/lang/viers – “Greens of June”

And all the greens of June/ Come blowing through the door/ They make me want to live/ Like I never have before

Read Chapter Two

[prongsfootproject]

Title: ante meridiem.

Author: diamondmeadows

Artist: sorenphelps

Wordcount: 11021 (2/4chapters)

Rating: E

Warnings: smut, mentions of character’s death 

Tags: Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Eventual Smut, Reunions, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Art, Art Blocks, Falling In Love, References to the Beatles, Song Lyrics, Friends to Lovers, Mentions of a Minor Character’s Death

Summary:

The post-tour melancholia comes in stages for Sirius Black.

One. Dig himself a hole and hide there for days.

Two. Venture out, distract.

Three. Reconnect with friends.

Four. Crawl back to bandmates.

Five. Compose. Compose. Compose.

Never once has this melancholia skipped a step.

Never once has Sirius Black allowed it to.

It's Saturday, eight p.m.; almost a month has passed since their tour ended. It's three weeks into the sweltering summer temperatures, and instead of hanging out with his old friends Sirius hasn't seen in months, some of them in years, he is sprawled on his sofa, under the stream of cool air from the air conditioner, cradling another whiskey glass in his hands.

-or-

An art block can be a bitch and sometimes resolving it requires radical solutions. Like reuniting with your long lost best friend. Falling in love. Or perhaps just remembering old love that has never expired in the first place.

Link to work: https://archiveofourown.org/works/59742982

[thekingthatwrites]

Guilty as Charged

Summary: Sure, he understood well why they had to do it, but did he want to? Of course not. After making their way to Earth C, Karkat Vantas has to face and help his moirail, Gamzee Makara, who was stuffed into a fridge. He's scared for and maybe of his friend, but what hurts most is the guilt that he feels.

Genre: Hurt/Comfort

Gamzee Makara <> Karkat Vantas

Warning: Angst, Isolation, and guilt.

Word Count: 2,774

Art Credit: @mrthful​

‧̍̊·̊‧̥°̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥‧̥·̊‧̍̊ ♡ °̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥ ·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙·̩̩̥͙*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ °̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥ ♡ ‧̍̊·̊‧̥°̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥‧̥·̊‧̍̊ ‧̍̊·̊‧̥°̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥‧̥·̊‧̍̊ ♡ °̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥ ·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙·̩̩̥͙*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ °̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥ ♡ ‧̍̊·̊‧̥°̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥‧̥·̊‧̍̊ ‧̍̊·̊‧̥°̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥‧̥·̊‧̍̊ ♡

Time and time again has he found himself standing in front of the dark home. It was depressing, a heart breaking sight, as one of the few homes on this new Earth that had found itself to be... in a somewhat place of decay. The one who sat there, the one who found himself in front of this home was Karkat Vantas, a short troll with stubby horns and short, black, spikey hair and inside the home was ... his moirail. 

At this point, could he even be considered that? After what Karkat had done, abandoned his friend, left him to ... rot, in a sense, inside of a fridge? Only for him to crawl his way out, on his own, and make a home for himself in the most depressing sight. A run down building, one Karkat was sure that Gamzee barely threw together himself, maybe with help from a consort or something along those lines. The home had paint peeling off the what almost looked to be rotting wood, holes present within the walls and roof of the home, and shattered windows, who knows from what. Every single time that he found himself here, it was more and more of a shock, especially as the quality only seemed to get worse. 

Karkat was a coward, he knew this well of himself. It wouldn’t be true if he had already found himself at the front door in the many times he’s been to this home, but he just... couldn’t. He was a coward, not wanting to face is own guilt, his own sadness for his friend and ... he had no idea how the other was holding up. Was he still in his crazed state? Still wanting to shed the blood of his friends, to cause pain? But ... in reality, was that even ever him in the first place? Did Gamzee really want to hurt the people he surrounded himself with for such a long time? People that the troll seemed to confide in, people that the troll seemed to love and care for. What changed? 

His eyebrows furrowed as he allowed a hand to find it’s way to his chest, grasping onto the sweater he wore over his shoulders, only adding onto the heavy weight of disgust with himself that sat alongside it. He’d begin to walk, his feet pushing through overgrown grass and weeds, walking an almost invisible sidewalk, covered in foliage. It didn’t take too long, though longer than he’d expect, to get to the front door of the home that was practically falling apart. 

“...Gog, I hope you’re actually fucking in here Gamzee.” 

Karkat found himself mumbling under his breath, allowing the knot that was his eyebrows furrowing to deepen even more. A fist, one of grey skin complimented with somewhat of a red hue, raised up and gently pressed up against the wood of the door, as if he was going to knock upon the entrance. But there was hesitation. Karkat bit his lip, nervous and concerned, not knowing what exactly to do... He knew what he had to, but ... it was as if there was an entire road block in front of him, now allowing him to continue further on the quest he had embarked on, the whole reason he was here in the first place. 

“Oh just fucking do it!” 

He’d say to himself, almost in a manner in which he was yelling at himself and soon would knock on the door. 

But there was nothing. 

What was he expecting? Gamzee was this ... tired, fucked up troll who ... last time he checked was incredibly ill. Mentally, that is, but ... if he really thought about it, thought about the last time he saw his old friend, he didn’t seem that healthy either. So how was he doing now? On his own? Without a single person nor troll checking in on him. 

Thinking about this, his heart ... burned, in a way, twinging on the idea of his friend sitting, not taking care of himself. Baring his teeth some, strictly at the anger he felt at himself, as, to him, it would be his fault for letting it get to such an intense level. 

Karkat grasped at the handle and, to his surprise, he found the door open. Raising his eyebrows in slight shock, he quickly opened the entrance set up on loose hinges, listening as they squeaked from long needed friction. When he entered the home it was ... really exactly as he expected. The home was dark, the only light that poured in was from the edges of the closed curtains hung messily on the walls. Trash covered corners of the rooms that he could see from entering, and green stains ate at the walls and floors, easily telling him that Gamzee found himself in the habit of his old addiction. How the other got ahold of the slime was beyond the small troll, but ... really that wasn’t his entire concern at that moment. His concerned was presented when his eyes began dancing around the home, from the kitchen to the living room, and finally... onto the troll he had been looking for. 

Gamzee laid on the couch, his face first into the cushion that was stained, similarly to the rest of the home, with green slime. His chest raised and lowered at a slow pace, usual for the purple blood, quickly telling Karkat that, at the very least, his friend was alive. An empty pie tin clung to his curled fingers, touching the floor and barely standing upright. A light came from the television in his home, shining onto the floor and couch that was situated in front of it, and a muffled sound of Dave’s voice could be heard from it. Ever since they got to Earth C, Dave had started his own television program, one of the first, about comedy and stunts, and seeing it on the screen... surprised Karkat. Last he had heard, Gamzee hated the guy, which was disappointing, in a way, as Karkat felt strongly about his white haired friend. 

Shaking his head, he let out a huff of breath, his teeth bearing once more as he found his way, kneeling down next to the couch. His expression shifted into a worried one, as he placed a hand to his friend’s shoulder, shaking him lightly as he would speak, 

“Gamz, get the hell up man.” 

Karkat allowed a hushed voice to escape from him, but Gamzee didn’t even stir whatsoever. He bit his lip with his sharp teeth, pointed on every single one of them, he dug them into his lower part of his mouth. He really hoped that his friend hadn’t done anything stupid... 

He’d shake the other once again, but this time around, much more aggressively, 

“Gamzee, fucking get up!”  

His tone would raise, the volume of his voice much louder than before, causing the other troll to open his eyes suddenly. The orange of his eyes were darker than usual but, thankfully, they were not red. When Karkat saw this, a wave of relief would run over him, like water on a hot summer day. Gamzee began to sit up, a frown presented on his face as he slung his legs over the edge of the sofa, placing a hand to his head as he bared his teeth ever so slightly, 

“...Karbro...” 

He’d mumble, obviously recognizing that it was him. When seeing that scowl though, a slight fear found it’s way into Karkat’s brain, sneaking into the back of his mind. He didn’t want to be scared of the other, he didn’t want to be mad or anything of the sort. He just wanted his friend back. Karkat looked at the other in a long, tense silence as he would stand to full height, which wasn’t that tall, and sit down next to his friend in one quick motion. Placing a hand on the other’s shoulder, he’d continue to look at Gamzee, and, one of the very few times, gave his friend a very soft look, 

“Yeah, it’s me.” 

He’d simply say, and for a moment, nothing came out of Gamzee’s mouth. He sat there, closing his eyes, allowing his breath to escape from him before filling up his lungs once more, in slow, quiet intervals... before Gamzee would move, slightly tilting his body towards Karkat, and quickly did the red blooded troll move to pull his friend into an embrace. Sliding one hand down Gamzee’s back and the other around his torso, under his arm, the two of them held one another and soft sobs came from his friend. It broke Karkat, he felt his heart shatter in his chest, almost literally it hurt so much, and he’d feel as Gamzee would clutch onto his woolen sweater, long nails poking slightly into his back, but he wouldn’t say a single thing about it. He didn’t care. In this moment his own comfort didn’t matter, could simply be casted aside. What mattered to Karkat ... was that his friend was okay. 

“Though you were never coming back, motherfucker...” 

His words were not malicious, they never were, for the most part, when he used his foul language. It was just part of the way Gamzee spoke to people, how he, in a way, showed a level of friendship with another person. 

He looked up at Karkat, thick, purple liquid pouring down his face, tears bubbling up in the corner of his sad looking eyes before snaking their way down the side of his cheek and dripping off his chin. Karkat would use his thumb, bringing it up to his friends face and wiped his tears off his cheek, which didn’t do much to stop the flow, but it was an act of comfort for the other. 

“Fuck dude, you’re making me sound fuckin’ awful Gamzee. I know what I did was a fucking stupid thing to do, and shit, it was the worst fucking mistake I’ve made! Not only in my pathetic fucking life as a troll on that old, gog forsaken planet, but also as a bullshit leader. You’re one of my best fucking friends and I left you in a dark box and went along with that bitch Vriska’s wants! I’ve been trying so hard to come back to you Gamzee, and if I wasn’t such a dumb fucking thickheaded, insolent asshole of a coward ... then I would have been in this dumb long fucking time ago.” 

He didn’t hold back on insulting himself. In that moment, it made him think of Gamzee as a better person than he, shifting his perspective in one way to make it easier on him to show his emotions more genuinely to his friend. He never had trouble opening up to Gamzee, but ... after so long, it just seemed to be harder for him. 

The younger Makara found himself with dry eyes, be it from him stopping from crying or with no more tears left to shed, he looked at his friend with ... so much emotion. He’d sit up, putting his hands on the other’s shoulders, his grip loose and without much attempt to keep ahold of the other before speaking to his friend. 

“Man, you ain’t all that... motherfucking shit, brother. You’re wayyyy... too hard on yourself. I don’t fuckin’ care about the past... it’s way to motherfuckin’ foggy to give one fuck about it... I just ... wanted to know you fuckin’ cared still... and fuck you’re here, which makes me think you motherfucking do, ya know?” 

Even though his eyes were tired, glazed in a slight purple, he still gave a jagged, toothy grin, to his friend. He didn’t care about the fact that Karkat basically left him to die, left him to rot, and as he looked at his friend, he only seemed to fall deeper into the guilt that suffocated him, drowned him like the waves of a rough sea. As Gamzee’s eyes seemed to start to dry, the smaller troll’s own eyes glazed over in a translucent red. Grasping onto Gamzee’s messy shirt, scrunching up the fabric as his hands moved down from his shoulders and onto his torso, Karkat couldn’t find it in him to meet his friend’s gaze. 

“How could you forgive me just like fucking that? Just like that?! Gamzee, how can you not fucking care after all of the stupid bullshit you went through- fuck even are going through, is practically all because of me?! You’re a fucking mess, and... it’s all my damn fault!” 

His hands moved from where they were, releasing the other’s shirt and forming fists around his hair as he moved them to his skull. Something he found himself doing when stressed, pulling at his own hair, a habit he thought he had broken ages ago. Gamzee opened his mouth to say something, watching as his friend soon too broke down in tears, but really didn’t know what to say. Karkat felt disgusting, horrible for crying in that moment, as this meeting, the meaning of his being here, was to comfort his friend. Now he was the one crying, which only caused his guilt to risen. 

A few moments seemed to pass, silence sat in the air, so heavy and thick that it could easily be cut with a knife, and Karkat only seemed to sink deeper and deeper into himself. That was until Gamzee would do something a little rash, something without entirely thinking about it. He’d grasp onto the side of his friend’s head, pushing it towards his own and headbutting the other, just hard enough to shock him with the pain that would linger on his skull, 

“WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT IN THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?” 

Karkat would shout in response, curling up as he pressed his hand down on the spot that was injured by the actions that his friend had taken. The big, red tears that were originally streaming down his face quickly changed into slight streams, caused by the pain instead of his sadness and his guilt. Gamzee only seemed to smile, looking down at the other as he grasped onto Karkat’s arm and pulling him up into a sitting position, 

“Fuckin listen mann, brother, there’s nooo fucking reason and honestly no motherfucking use in sitting in your own demise about all that shit that’s been goin’ down for... fuckkk who knows how long ago, but listen. I don’t hold it against you and neither should you... really motherfucker, you’re not the only bitch to blame for my sorry motherfuckin’ state. Afterall, my karbro, I dig my own damn hole.” 

Snapping him out of it, almost instantly, Karkat would allow his hands to drop from where he held them, and down to his lap. He, for a moment, just stared... stared at the other with his brows furrowed down into a deep knot. 

“... You’re really fucked up, dude.” 

Karkat would end up allowing to slip from his lips. 

“Fuck dude, you’re tellin’ me now? Motherfucker, that shit was discovered by some motherfucking miracle a lonnnnggg time ago... you’ve seen all the shit I do, haha...” 

His grin only seemed to grow as moments passed and Karkat ... seemed to be quite fed up. The boy would sigh and lean into his friend, who, in turn, leaned into him as well, holding one another up on the couch as they looked at the screen that played a muffled voice. He looked at it, staring at the one on the screen, Dave Strider, with soft eyes which soon turned into ones that held a look of confusion. 

“...I thought you hated Strider.” 

Karkat would say. Gamzee found himself shrugging, letting out a low breath as he leaned his head back, looking up to the ceiling. 

“It’s fucking whatever, brother, that motherfucker left my head not too long ago. Plus his motherfuckin’ shit is the miracle of entertainment.” 

He lifted a hand into the air before dropping it down to his side and letting out a soft yawn. Karkat didn’t seem to reply, not for a long while, and definitely not to the comment that Gamzee had made. As he sat there, he thought of the events in great detail and he too found himself closing his eyes alongside Gamzee. 

“We need to get you a better fucking hive than this shit, Gamzee.”

“You know it brother. You motherfucking know it.” 

A sigh escaped from Karkat. 

“...Tomorrow. First shit we’ll work on.” 

A small nod came from the clown and not long after... both of them drifted off into a doze.

[sidecharactersdomatter]

Thoughts I had during TGCF S2 Ep 9

Previously on TGCF…

-There goes everyone, ghost and human

-Even Baby Guzi!

-That smooth transition shifting from San Lang to Hua Cheng

-I’ll give one plus on Qi Rong, his eyeliner’s decent and also his long braid

-He is pissed

-Hua Cheng’s a master of stealth and the bad cop!

-And XL’s the Good cop to HC’s Bad cop!

-Spoilers If you read Book 2, you’ll fully know why Hua Cheng is enraged at Qi Rong

-QR’s hackin up a lung there

-Just like qi blocking!

-Qi Rong’s crawling like a tide pool crab

-He paralyzed and muted XL!

-Oh you know well what you did to HC all those years ago (spoilers)

-Another face plant!

-That eye glow!

-Dude you mean scrolls, Ling Wen’s office has plenty

-Qianqiu killed him!

-The bu dao weng jumped out!

-He is hoppin up and down!

-Xie Lian’s still frozen!

-Qianqiu’s back!

-His friend!

-Qi Rong’s confessing!

-Qianqiu controlled his anger and roasted the S outta QR

-There’s the reason

-He shook his head

-Gross, Qi Rong’s kissing sound

-Qi Rong has an alibi

-Preceptor Fang Xin mention

-There’s the truth and the nail’s been hit again!

-That was the fate of Fang Xin?!

-He still can’t move!

-It took Qi Rong that freaking long to notice who’s behind Tai Hua???

-HC unfroze and unmuted him

-I’ll take that advice

-He knows him!

-Xie Lian confessed!

-It took QR that long to realize who XL actually was???

-Another flawless transformation!

-And now XL roasted his cousin

-QR finally realized!

-QR’s apology wasn’t sincere at all

-QR’s a real piece of work

-Thank you Hua Cheng

-He’s gonna make a hole in the ground

-Xie Lian deemed his own cousin worthless 2024

-You gotta love Bad Cop Good Cop! Hualian

-Touchstarved Hua Cheng!!! Season 2!!!

-He’s not pretending at all

-He’s laughing like a jackal

-His reputation’s already ruined man

-Roast!  Him!  Good!

-Hey I worship this guy and he’s been an inspiration to my own art!

-Not exactly man

-I wonder why

-“Did you blind him with your ‘holy light’ or was it some other ‘holy’ part of you?” Yep, there it is, that’s another slipped in innuendo

-That slap had the energy of what happened in a previous award show (i forgot which one on purpose)

-That slap just surprised Hua Cheng in a good way!

-Right in front of the statue again

-Yeah you totally deserved that slap man

-I mean, living in a cave 800 years would totally cause someone to go nuts

-Now he’s asking Hua Cheng’s question

-Don’t even picture Qi Rong doing an autopsy, just don’t

-There’s Qi Rong’s alibi

-Gross

-That slow jingling

-He reached for his sword

-They didn’t even perform a lie detection test

-3 swords have crossed!

-The truth’s still coming out

-Yong’An in the past

-Hi Mengyou!

-Dragon Dance!!!

-Mengyou’s still concerned!

-The Hualian masks!

-Oh no!  The most common crime you’ll see in any setting!  A purse snatching!

-He was still selfless

-Qianqiu was fast!

-Oh no the acrobat!

-Not the fine china!

-His kick was higher than my current GPA, if I even know the score, and this calls back to TGCF S1 Ep 3

-That sounded like Female Qingxuan

-The Naruto run!

-Ooh cool weaving, music and face painting 

-And those men were just calm while playing Go!

-He’s on the rooftops!

-Fang Xian’s teachings!

-The sword throw!  If only Sokka could’ve learned that in Book 3

-He used the prejudice to try covering his tracks

-No not his walking stick!

-This elderly man should’ve been a member of the White Lotus

-I like to imagine Iroh was great friends with the Elderly Yong’An man

-If only people came together like this in the present…

-That came full circle!

-Man, I wish I’d get to celebrate like that every Lunar New Year

-Fang Xin smiled

-Xianle and Yong’An were once in harmony…

-He mentioned the Common people!

-It’s the same scene from S2 Ep 7

-And he never forgot

-Thank you Mengyou

-Best day trip ever

-Oh no Qi Rong’s in Yong’An

-That’s An Le and with the same crazed expression

9 down 3 to go!

The Scrap Immortal and the Avatar will official start in 2025!

[coolfire333]

Trying so hard not to get soured on a certain fandom (as well as being online in general) but god it is so hard when your first real taste of online recognition comes with your works being used to hurt other people.

I cannot understand why you (saying "you" not at anyone reading this because I've since blocked this person) would go against my boundaries and try to be all sneaky behind my back showing my writing to people who are not allowed to read it in the slightest and expect to not only get away with it but to expect that I wouldn't be devastated on finding out that this happened.

And to top it all off with something unrelated but in the same fandom, recently I had someone anonymously tell me "keep yourself safe :)" on one of my fics (implying "kys" with the letters) over a literal work of fiction that I wrote FOR FUN and only put out there for people online to read because an online friend liked it and I thought others might enjoy reading it too.

First of all, say that off anon to my face in full writing instead of hiding behind your computer and your doublespeak like a coward and secondly and more importantly, go outside and touch grass until you realize you are incapable of being a normal and decent person until you stop telling people to kill themselves over creating art you don't personally enjoy.

I don't know what offended you about my works but there is literally nothing harmful (and nothing controversial imo either????) about the things I am writing so just close the tab and move on if you're that worked up about it.

I'm trying to get back into writing again because it is a passion of mine but jesus christ if you people aren't normal about it and go behind my back with MY art for malicious purposes and/or tell me to kill myself over it again I'm literally going to crawl into a hole in the ground and never be seen online ever again

[samanthamarkle92]

Hey everyone! Some background before the story starts. I am most definitely NOT a gamer, but I had looked at some video game fan art, fics, and trivia videos for characters in my post-apocalyptic story that features a military character. The Last Of Us, Resident Evil, and Call Of Duty were the top ones. It was a major story arc in Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, that got the writer in me. Hope I make the fans happy! Here's the gist; fan-favorite Simon “Ghost” Riley survives getting shot by General Shepard. Stranded in Afghanistan, he is rescued by a local woman and her younger brother. Hope you guys like it! I plan on posting this on Wattpad if I get it finished. Until then, I’ll be putting them here! Much love to @nsharks and @loonyundead ❤️ @cheezbites @ladyelissarose

The heavy odor of gasoline and burning flesh was what brought him back to consciousness. The pain in his chest felt like it was going to rip open from the inside. Then there were his arms, they were covered in blood, the sticky liquid soaking through his clothes. It all came flooding back, the smell, the gunfire, the screaming.

‘Oh, God…’

He tried to move, but pain radiated from his chest. The knit fabric of his mask stuck to his skin from the dried blood. He could feel the heat of flames, and realized he was lying in a puddle of gasoline. His gun still lay beside him. With difficulty he lifted himself up into an upright position. He manage to crawl onto the dry dust. A smoldering charred body lay nearby.

Roach.

Ghost gagged on bile.

‘Sorry, mate.’

Ghost rested his back against a rusted-out truck, trying to get his bearings. He saw the bullet hole in his fatigues. The bullet had tore through his tactical vest, lodging in his shoulder. He felt around his wound. There was no exit wound. Just a jagged, bloody tear through the fabric. If he hadn’t been wearing his vest underneath, then he’d probably be dead. As hurt as he was, he couldn't stay where he was. He saw the path out of the boneyard, leading towards the road beyond. He took one last look at Roach, his face distorted and unrecognizable as anything more than a smear of burned flesh. And then Ghost left the carnage. His legs felt weak, and when he put too much weight on them, a wave of dizziness washed over him. He kept moving forward, slowly. He knew he couldn't trust anyone now; an American leader had betrayed them. Who else was in danger? He thought hard....he was a British SAS soldier....could there be a UK unit out there? He could maybe make it to one of their camps, but if he got there, would there be any protection? He had to be careful not to draw attention to himself.

There must have been soldiers in that area. He just hoped he could find them before his leg gave out. He wasn’t sure how long he traveled through the desert. The pain was worse than the hunger and thirst.

He almost rubbed his eyes to make sure what he was seeing was real; a house. It sat away from the main village, which was further down the valley. It was cement block, with a wall where the yard was. A garden grew outside, sparse and patchy, but it looked relatively healthy. It was dark though. A well! He was too thirsty to think of anything else. The house itself seemed untouched, although it may have been abandoned during the war.

He moved closer to investigate. Maybe some fresh water and food. He didn't notice the young boy kicking the battered soccer ball until he was almost to the well. The boy froze as soon as he spotted Ghost.

‘Fuck. Should have taken my mask off.’ he thought. He lifted the bottom part up so the kid could see his chin, that he’d know it was just a mask and not a blood soaked monster that had walked out of nowhere. Did the kid even know English?

Ghost didn't speak Farsi either, but he guessed it wouldn’t make much difference.

“Hey. I mean you no harm.”he offered with a smile. The boy stared at him for several moments and then slowly nodded, still staring.

“You’re alone here?” he asked. He was starting to feel dizzy, but tried to stay on his feet. That little movement was enough to knock all the remaining energy out of him. He slumped to the ground, feeling the earth shake under him. What was happening? Was this the end? Was that why everything had happened? Because he was losing his shit in front of this kid? The door to the wall opened, and Ghost saw a swirl of bright blue. A woman, covered from head to toe in a burqa, entered. She approached Ghost. His heart stopped. This was it! He was about to die! She’d hand him over to some terrorist group. But then she kneeled next to him, placed her hand gently on his forehead. She spoke softly to him, in English. For the first time ever, he heard someone speak English!

Ghost was exhausted and confused. Had he really died? It was one word, but it was the last thing he heard before he passed out.

“Safe.”

[doorbloggr]

The "Stiff Pose" Valley

Monday 26/12/22

So although I didn't do a lot of art this year, I wanna take a chance to congratulate myself on improving my artistic abilities this year. 2022 marks the third year I've been playing D&D. As discussed in an earlier post on this blog, the beginning of my D&D hobby coincided with/resulted in a increased frequency of drawing.

And when I started posting my own art online, I also started regularly following other artists online, and over the years, I've noticed them grow. I've noticed a pattern, particularly in character artists, where different aspects of their art will improve at different rates. This is most noticeable in artist's ability to pose characters. I don't wanna attack other artists by drawing attention to art they may not be as fond of anymore, so I'll use my own art as an example.

Beginner artists may not be great at faces or anatomy, but the first thing they attempt to improve on is posing. The anatomy may not have been fantastic, but the characters are not as stiff. But then there comes a phase when the artist improves on the fundamentals of art, improving on facial features and actual body proportions. But at this stage, the poses become... more bland? There comes a stiffness to their characters. The focus on making the characters looked like better proportioned means the artist mellows on posing. I can't pose these arms and legs until I know how to draw arms and legs.

In a similar trend to the uncanny valley, I will declare The "Stiff Pose" Valley. Artists will reach a point in the artistic journey where the art may be technically and visually more impressive than their old art, but less... fun? I found this easy to study in my artwork of one of first D&D characters, Nevaeh.

You can see in the above collage, in arts 1, 2, and 3, I was doing quite boring poses, almost default/t-posing. But when you get to arts 4 and 5, the character may not actually be more visually impressive, but the poses are more dynamic and "fun". At the point of artworks 7 and 8, my art "quality" had improved, the lineart was cleaner, the faces were more pleasant. But more recently, I feel like I've been a bit better with posing.

Artwork 9 was based on and inspired by this chapter art from the One Punch Man manga, but I do wanna say it was more fun than many of my chapter arts previously.

Artwork 10 was less of a direct copying of a pose, and more of an inspiration. At this point, I'd established that Nevaeh was a villain aiming for lichdom, so drew inspiration from the D&D lich Acererak. And I feel like although I haven't reached the fun-ness of the poses in the above 4 and 5 artworks, I feel like I could get there again soon.

The revelation of this process was brought to my attention in my own art recently when I posted my 2022 end of year D&D artwork, where I feel, not only does my art look higher quality than the 2021 art, but the poses were also significantly more fun. And then I looked back and discovered the poses were also more fun in the 2020 art.

In Conclusion

So the point of this post is twofold. I have noticed that other artists I've followed who have gained artistic highs have gone through this journey. And this is also a sign to myself that I've started to crawl out of the Stiff-Pose Valley. I'm on an upward trend, and I can only keep improving.

If you're going through your own artistic struggle and blocks, just keep practising! You might reach your own Stiff-Pose Valley or other specific walls where you think you're not improving, but keep at it. You'll claw your way out of those holes and come out of it a better artist.

[deiongill]

I couldn’t find the power to focus on the conversation in front of me. My thoughts kept moving from corner to corner of my mind, creating questions that all of a sudden I needed answers to. The what-am-I-doing-all-of-this-for style existentialism started to boil over and spill into wherever my moods are kept and arranged. I got caught in the loop again, and it was dragging me out of the moment. The loop is something that I’m assuming almost all of us have become familiar with in one way or another, especially if you’re a creative person looking to share your work and yourself with the internet. It’s the mental cycle of losing your sense of meaning, just to find it again, just to lose it again, and so on in a matter of minutes or hours. Your work or art goes from being a precious gift to mankind that you’re sure will solve all war and hunger in the world, to an absolute waste of time that no one will ever give a shit about ever. Funny enough, with a few turns around the bend of your own self-talk you manage to find a way to make it make sense again and instill a sense of confidence in what you do and who you are, just for it to spin right back around the block to absolute despair in an almost hilarious fashion. How does this even happen? For me it starts with two words: Vanity Metrics. I’ll spare you the cliches that I’m sure you’ve heard enough of before to know you don’t want to hear about it again, and just give you a raw account of what I experienced and felt today. It was hardly an enjoyable process, and I don’t think I necessarily solved the issue by the end of it either. But I think I spiraled far enough down that rabbit hole to notice some things that I think are out of place in my life. 

Like I said, it started with vanity metrics. The view counts, likes, streams, followers, the good stuff. I guess I should say lack thereof, because the feeling I felt and the thought that came to mind was a dissatisfaction that it seems I’m doing everything I’m doing in a bubble or echo chamber, and have felt that way for a while. Now I know damn well I have no one to blame for that but me, seeing that I’m absolutely terrible at sharing myself and my creations on social media and have only dropped two songs in my new chapter of total artistic freedom (that’s a story for another day in the near future), but I am a human being so I felt what I felt. The feeling was pointlessness. I’ll make my case by asking this question: If everything I’m making and sharing goes unnoticed other than by the people I already know personally, why not just keep it to myself and share it with those people when I see them? Not a very fun question to toy around with in your mind obviously, as that can lead to some pretty dark places when it comes to the idea of pursuing your artistic visions and dreams. But if I’m being completely honest my mind goes there a lot, and I have to do the work each time to crawl my way out.

What came next was the simplification process. I needed my mind to stop spinning out of control, so it was necessary that I simplified what I was feeling into the most straightforward explanation I could present to myself. 

“I feel like I’m not connecting with people.” 

“I feel like I don’t know if this is ever going to go anywhere.” 

“I feel like I’m letting myself down by not being where I want to be.”

There’s a part of me that creeps in around this point that starts to shift the perspective, because it’s almost funny to hear myself say these things when I look at it from a logical point of view. How many songs have you put out again? Only 2? Okay. When was the last time you really put yourself out there consistently? Right. How do you expect to be where you want to be at the beginning of your journey? You need to think clearly Deion. I understand the feelings, given your history and all the work you’ve put in behind the curtain, but showtime is a different type of time. It’s okay to be where you’re at. It’s also okay to feel so complicated about where you’re at. It’s all okay.

That was a beautiful thing that just happened there. I just parented myself. Even while typing that I felt a fatherly presence within my being, correcting my course and nudging me in the right direction. But I need to be honest; that doesn’t solve the problem. It’s just an anxiety reliever. So what’s next? Go deeper. What’s the core problem here? What’s at the center of it all? How do I find the solution in this? I’m going to break down those three feeling sentences from above and put together a puzzle to figure this out in one move. 

“I feel like I’m not connecting with people.” 

“I feel like I don’t know if this is ever going to go anywhere.” 

“I feel like I’m letting myself down by not being where I want to be.”

Connecting with people by going where I want to be.

I don’t know if that conclusion will make as much sense to you reading this as it does to me, but I also have an entire lifetime of experience as Deion to add everything up and know that this is what I’m missing out of life right now and understand how that’s connected to my internet woes.  This is what it boils down to: I’ve grown out of my environment. I don’t feel connected to it anymore. It’s a little abstract and hard to explain from my perspective because I don’t necessarily mean my friends or the people I work with creatively. I guess it’s more about the places I go, the people I come across in passing, the circles and environments I encounter through my creativity and passions… It’s the pockets and corners of the world I connect to. It all feels stale right now. It’s very much time for me to make a change in that, and place myself in a new space where things are fresh, inspiring, and feel like a fit for the person I’ve become. To bring it full circle, I think that’s where I’ll connect more with people, I think that’s where my creativity and career will start to find its way into the world how I’ve wanted it to, and that’s where I’ll find myself in a place I want to be. I think that’s how I’ll learn to solve my vanity metric problem. When my life and what it’s connected to feels far more valuable than social and monetary numbers, I’ll start to forget about them. I’ll find my way out of the loop.

[notroosterbradshaw]

I'm actually crying because I'm so proud of you for this. There is a lot under the cut, but Jordan, this is a work of art. More...

government email server...(okay yes, i am perfectly aware that our esteemed lieutenant commander would probably get kicked out of the navy for some of these emails…that being said, i also don’t particularly care! we’re playing fast and loose with the time stamps too because i may be smart, but math has never been a strong suit of mine!)

LET’S FUCKING GO.

12/17 @ 6:19am

I’m still in my car typing this after having stayed for probably far too long watching your C-40 take off (like people were staring at me I was there so long)

The numbness is palpable. This is really raw from SA. It’s not often this guard is let down in such a way.

12/18 @ 5:46pm 

they invited me to stay for drinks (the prosecco was flowing…), but I wanted to head home. 

I feel seen.

I miss you so much already, it feels weird not going over to your place after work and making dinner and prepping lunch together - and it’s only been two days. I know you’re on a comms blackout for the next couple days, so I’m just gonna keep sending these so you’ll have a bunch to read all at once.

Spam him, darling heart x

12/19 @ 11:48am

(‘twas preemptively sent!)

The holiday sentiment. Fucking heart eyes.

But alas! Climate change is real and private jets account for 20x as many carbon emissions as commercial planes, so I am up at the ass-crack of dawn for this 7:15am flight.

She’d either be my best friend or the one that saw my eyes roll most. I think they’re one and the same tbh

12/23 @ 4:45am

I still don’t understand why you don’t fly into Oakland instead of SFO? Like I get it, you’re not a Spirit or SW girl, but kid….it’s an hour and forty minute flight?

I cackled out loud – he never misses one second to call her out on her shit and it melts my poor, cold, old heart.

12/23 @ 9:08am

Oh her excitement. It’s just… it’s honestly, the sweetest.

12/23 @ 8:53pm

You and me, hot date tomorrow night at 11:45pst - don’t be late. (And look cute.)

Brain stopped to think 24 hour time… then realised it was AM. Cool cool cool cool…

12/25 @ 11:38am

Ummm, not sure what you’re talking about, kid? That sounds like something Santa would do? Probably heard about how good you’ve been this year? x

Dying at Dadley Dadshaw’s dad jokes. And sad Dadley Dadshaw lost his dad so early.

12/30 @ 9:20am

it’s at this fancy venue and I have a cute black dress! It’s very different for me and I wish you were here to see it! I’ll have to wear it again.

Oh, this is  a dreamy dress!

01/02 @ 6:12am

You know you labeled the pictures wrong…luckily no one was behind me…

RIP ME.

01/06 @ 9:58pm

I think I get that, having you around this time makes it different. I’ve never had anyone to really write to while I’ve been away before. Sure, I talked to my grandparents when they were still around and my aunts and uncles, Nat, Ice, and a couple others, but not like this. And I don’t ever want to not feel like this again. 

Oh, my heart. My HEART! I am YEARNING.

01/10 @ 8:05am

Well, the exterminator got here around 7:30 and sprayed all this stuff and blocked the hole in the crawl space of the garage. He showed me pictures and let me tell you, there was quite the nest up there. These raccoons were living large over the holidays. 

Did I tell you about our rat situation? Long story short, if they aren’t humans, they aren’t invited.

01/16 @ 7:47am

Not to worry my little Barefoot Contessa, I have returned back to civilization (ie the internet), though am dismayed to have missed this mind blowing Succession episode? Has Perry Mason started back up again or will we be able to watch that together? 

Bob and I were in the gym earlier and he almost dropped a dumbbell on my foot, I swear my life flashed before my eyes. But I had a new PR on the bench press today, up to 285 pounds. Glad the cooking lesson went well though! What’s the class makeup like? x Bradley 

His train of consciousness is wild haha

01/18 @ 6:37pm

Can I send you a dossier with everything!?! Even if you say no to that I’m doing it anyway ;) just promise me you’ll think about it, please? I’ll do whatever you want, Bradley <3

01/18 @ 6:40pm

Yes, please send the dossier my way henceforth, Moneypenny. 

And you’ll do whatever I want, huh? Might have to send you a dossier of my own now…

(But yes, I promise I’ll seriously consider everything. I just don’t want you to feel like you have to spend all this money to make me happy. I’d say we’d both be happy camping out on the beach, but I think that might be a security issue down there, plus neither of us like camping - anyway, you know what I mean.)

This is seriously me and my hubby – it generally comes down to what Cass wants, Cass gets because he spoils me endlessly, but it’s nice to be nice and it’s nice to be loved and see the world through the eyes of the one you love.

01/18 @ 6:46pm

I’d say ‘sleep tight,’ but that’s a given considering you haven’t been fucked in a couple weeks. 

(Perfect, I genuinely am really excited about it, just want to make sure it works out for us both.)

Love you so much, kid 

Your Bradley

01/18 @ 6:58pm

Bradley Bradshaw!! You did not just say that over a government email server! 

Imissyourcocksobadlyit’sdrivingmeinsane

And here we goooo!

01/19 @ 10:11am

Luckily, I have a very creative imagination, Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw. 

See right now, I’m in my office, sitting at my desk, feeling so overwhelmed. It almost hurts how overwhelmed and frustrated I am. And you bust down the door, hair windswept like you’d flown to Del Mar, and you have that slutty flight suit on and I don’t even mind that you’re sweaty and gross.

My brain just broke. No brrrr. Figuratively just melted from my ears.

01/22 @ 10:01am

Breaking news, kid. Your esteemed, naval aviator boyfriend is going to be on 60 Minutes at the end of February. Totally came out of left field, but I couldn’t say anything until they finished filming. It’s about the Navy in the Pacific and “the lost art of shipbuilding.” They even rigged up a camera on my plane and everything, it was so cool. I’ve been dying to tell you, but again couldn’t say anything until it was official. I probably won’t be on it long since they interviewed the Admiral and Pac Fleet Commander for most of it, but yeah, Payback and Bob and I will be on with my girl Norah. I made sure I had enough sunscreen on so I was camera ready at all times. Love you B

Bradshaw Goes Hollywood. Could you imagine the enlistments the next day, knowing that is what is on offer with the Navy? My word.

01/24 @ 8:22pm

Fuck - I love you so much. My clever girl.

I turn to mush when I’m called clever. Because I know, but when someone else reiterates it?

01/30 @ 7:08am

i slept in one of your shirts last night. it doesn’t smell like you anymore, but it feels like you: soft and safe and warm x

Oh.

01/30 @ 10:33pm

I burrow my face in my pillow so I can smell it while I fist my cock, why? What’d you have in mind?

01/30 @ 10:37pm

How does that work though? Like genuinely? Do you jack off with Rueben in the top bunk? Or wait till he’s in the gym? I’ve been curious about this for a while now. What about the showers? Is it like an open floor plan thing? Or are there stalls? Is there a Zillow listing for this aircraft carrier?

01/30 @ 10:41pm

Now why would I ruin the mystery? 

He’s the smuggest motherfucker and I think that’s what I like most about him.

02/02 @ 6:46pm

Oh, so you and Rueben Theragun each other, huh? Say more Lieutenant Commander!

Honestly, this was my same reaction.

02/16 @ 3:18pm

Kid, you spoil me. This package is amazing, I don’t know where to start (just kidding it’s with the Cadbury chocolate and the Sudocrem as my burnt shoulders thank you), but everything is wonderful, thank you. I love hearing about London and seeing the pictures you sent last time. But I do have one complaint…you’re not in any of the pictures, kid, and that’s truly egregious. (Think we won’t be able to Facetime for a while, I gave Payback my slot the other day.)

I honestly love how smart Bradley is. So many connotations of him are dumb, just a dude, that he doesn’t have emotions, doesn’t think about him life. Then he uses egregious and I just… I would die. My husband is a lot like Bradley Bradshaw. He is my Bradley Bradshaw. My old man x

02/26 @ 7:55pm

You looked tragically handsome, I practically had to hold back a moan when you were standing on the flight deck talking to Norah O’Donnell (is she as nice in person as she is on TV?). God, I want to ravish you, you sounded so fucking smart. You know like half the country is going to be in love with you now, right?

I’m so glad that this was touched upon, because Hollywood, you’d better move the fuck over. The real flyboy is here… and I’m mush.

03/01 @ 10:05pm

Where are you going to have me first?

03/01 @ 10:06pm

In our bed, in our house, after you make me dinner in our kitchen. 

Sexual domesticationTM.

03/05 @ 8:54pm

Though she’ll forget to ask about you, she’ll tell me about her latest string of failed relationships with bartenders and surf instructors in Canggu. Or is it Ubud? I genuinely don’t remember, she started in Ubud, but honestly my knowledge of Balinese geography is rudimentary at best 

Somewhere I have been and knowwww

03/10 @ 3:26am

We had a little baby. He was always giggling and laughing and we were making silly faces and he looked so small in your arms, Bradley. So small and little and he was ours. And then I turned around and he was toddling around the house and we were chasing him and his little legs were moving so quickly and we all wound up on the couch in a tangle of limbs, giggling under the blankets as we tickled him and he called you daddy. 

It wasn’t our house - or what will be our house, I guess? Instead of the leather couch you have, it was white and big and wide and the three of us could easily fit on it, snuggled together. 

And I could feel your arms around me, rocking me back and forth. I could feel you humming in my ear and kissing my neck and telling me you loved me. I could feel it. I could feel you. I could feel him and you. And it was nice and I felt warm and safe and cherished and loved. Because I felt so much love for this little boy in my arms - the perfect mix of me and you. Everything felt right and perfect. 

Except when I rolled over in bed to tell you about it, I realized I was alone in my bed, in my apartment, and not in the house that we shared or with the little boy that looked so much like you and I haven’t felt so empty and sad since I can’t remember when. 

And I just miss you so much, Bradley. I know I can come across as glib and unfeeling sometimes and like this doesn’t affect me as much. But it does and sometimes I feel like my heart is going to burst because I’ve never felt like this for anyone else before? It’s never been so easy for me to love someone and let them love me to the point that I always want to be beside them. And I know with your job - and mine - that can’t always happen, but god Bradley I wish you were here right now so you could hold me and tell me you loved me because I just want to feel your arms around me and know you’re real. I want to tell you about the little boy - the perfect mix of me and you. 

I love you rocketman x

I feel it was so above board, you know. sO it could be kept light and that they were okay, but they're aren't. The are magnets, need to be together. The lack of joy they bring each other kept at a level that wouldn’t concern the other, but this just broke my heart. This is her word vomit and her honesty and the only person that really understands her is Bradley.

03/12 @ 7:11pm

How do you always know exactly what to say? I’m sorry for springing that all on you, know it wasn’t exactly a quick/easy message, but I love that you knew exactly what I meant. My day’s always a lot easier on my heart when I hear from you, too. Love you x

Smart boys get it. They feel it in their hearts and bones and blood.

3/13 @ 10:39pm

rocketman: part i - it's just my job five days a week

Summary: in which lieutenant commander bradshaw is on a three month special detachment in the pacific and the holidays have never felt lonelier for either of you. it's just three months, it'll be fine, right?

OR you and bradley write each other 159 emails

Pairing: Rooster x Fem!Reader 11.8k

Warnings: 18+, explicit language, suggestive dialogue, bradley needs to remember this is a government email server...(okay yes, i am perfectly aware that our esteemed lieutenant commander would probably get kicked out of the navy for some of these emails…that being said, i also don’t particularly care! we’re playing fast and loose with the time stamps too because i may be smart, but math has never been a strong suit of mine!) enjoy the companion playlist! rest of the series can be found here!

12/17 @ 6:19am

I miss you already and I haven’t even left the parking lot. I’m still in my car typing this after having stayed for probably far too long watching your C-40 take off (like people were staring at me I was there so long)(and, yes, I looked up the name of the plane). Pete asked me if I wanted to get breakfast with him, but I said no. Felt too lost. Plus, I need to get ready for work. We’re going to get dinner on Wednesday before I head up to Berkeley Thursday morning, though!

Hope you have a safe transport and settle onboard quickly. I left you something in your duffle bag (yes, it’s safe to open around other people…head out of the gutter, Bradshaw).

Love you and stay safe, x

12/18 @ 5:46pm 

Just dropped off the gifts at the Junior League for Caroline’s adopt a child thing. She was completely in her element (they gave her a clipboard and a bullhorn!), though she did say we went wayyy too over the top. But little Carter asked for all that stuff! We couldn’t just not get it all for him? She also appreciated your wrapping skills, very impressed with the bows and tight corners. I met a couple of her friends there, which was nice and they invited me to stay for drinks (the prosecco was flowing…), but I wanted to head home. 

I miss you so much already, it feels weird not going over to your place after work and making dinner and prepping lunch together - and it’s only been two days. I know you’re on a comms blackout for the next couple days, so I’m just gonna keep sending these so you’ll have a bunch to read all at once.

All my love, x

12/19 @ 11:48am

My brother and Lauren decided to come out here for Christmas after all! My dad was so excited when he called me, but I think Mary’s a little less enthused. Feels like shit knowing we were the backup option for them. Apparently, Lauren’s mom is sick and the whole house is in disarray (not hard in that family…) so my dad is paying for them to fly in from New York tomorrow. I think it’ll be nice, we’ll almost have a full set (baring you, of course, my darling rocketman), so the house won’t be as lonely. Do you think we’ll get to talk on Christmas or Christmas Eve? You should be getting a package soon (‘twas preemptively sent!) and are under strict orders not to open it until Christmas Eve, buddy!

Going to dinner with Pete tonight, I’ll let you know how it goes. Amelia’s coming with us, but I don’t know about Penny? I hope they like the gifts we got them. I’m going to stop by your place, do a once over, and make sure the tree is ready for Pete to take, etc. before I leave on Thursday.

Love you and talk soon! x

12/20 @ 7:03am

House looked good! In my seat on the plane. If my morals were shakier, I would 1000% have taken Max up on his offer to fly me up to Berkeley. But alas! Climate change is real and private jets account for 20x as many carbon emissions as commercial planes, so I am up at the ass-crack of dawn for this 7:15am flight. I’ll message you when I land, love you!

12/20 @ 9:04am

Just landed - easy flight. Now to find my dad in arrivals…

Love you, talk when you get the chance! x

12/23 @ 4:45am

Hey sweetheart! Back online and all settled in. I’m bunking with Payback and we actually have a pretty decent layout. He graciously offered to give me the bottom bunk, due to my ‘geriatric status.’ Honestly, I’m just glad I don’t have to sleep in the bunk room with the ensigns and rest of the crew. I forgot how noisy it is being on an aircraft carrier, which makes Payback’s snoring surprisingly pleasant. I’m glad he and Bob are with me. The rest of this squadron’s from Lemoore and Bob knows some of them. It’s interesting seeing him and Payback fly together, but they mesh really well.

Glad Mav is there to keep an eye on you. 

Okay, I had way too much fun picking out all those presents, so I really hope Carter loves them too. And please tell me you have a picture of Caroline yelling into the bullhorn? I can truly think of nothing scarier than Caroline Calloway ordering the young women of San Diego county around like Santa’s chief elf. And speaking of gifts, I loved my pictures. The one from the Christmas party is my favorite, did Fanboy take it? I saw him running around with his Pentax. When the hell did you have time to print it? I’ve got it hanging up in my bunk so I can see it every night. 

I still don’t understand why you don’t fly into Oakland instead of SFO? Like I get it, you’re not a Spirit or SW girl, but kid….it’s an hour and forty minute flight? Live a little. And I think it’ll be nice having your brother and Lauren around for Christmas. How many people do you think it’ll be? I always loved seeing Christmas Eves with large families in movies and stuff, all the chaos and whatnot? But it’s just gonna be you five Christmas Day? I’ve heard rumblings that I might be first in line for a Facetime on Christmas Eve, so save some time for me too, kid. I’ll let you know for sure in a couple days. 

Okay, think we’re all caught up now. Talk soon and love you so much,

Your Bradley

12/23 @ 9:08am

Bubs! I read your email four times since I woke up, I can’t stop smiling. I’m glad you’re all settled in - Payback’s snoring and ageism aside haha. How’s the food? Do you want earplugs? A sleep mask? Are earplugs allowed for sleeping? What if you need to get up right away and you can’t hear? I could send you a white noise machine? Or is there a fear of hacking with that? I should’ve done more research on this before you left. Tell me if you need anything, I’ll send it out express! Oh, I’m just so happy to hear from you. Keep me posted!

Lots of love, x

12/23 @ 8:53pm

You and me, hot date tomorrow night at 11:45pst - don’t be late. (And look cute.)

Your Bradley

12/23 @ 8:55pm

I’ll be there 😉 Love you, x

12/25 @ 9:56am

Bradley Bradshaw you absolute sneak! How on Earth did you pull a Christmas miracle off!?! Mary said she had no clue, so I’m extremely impressed you got my dad to keep that secret!? I was totally not expecting another present from you? The cooking lessons and apron were more than enough - to say nothing about moving in together!?! I love the bracelet so much, you have no idea. I started crying when I opened it! Mary took a video, which I’m sure she’ll send you. God, Bradley? You didn’t have to do that! It’s perfect, it’s like we’re locked together. I’m gonna wear it everyday. Please email me later if you get the chance! 

(Also, Lauren looked really jealous 😉 my brother was sweating)

Love you and Merry Christmas Rocketman! x

12/25 @ 11:38am

Ummm, not sure what you’re talking about, kid? That sounds like something Santa would do? Probably heard about how good you’ve been this year? x

12/25 @ 11:40am

Thank you, I love it so much and wish I could give you the biggest hug and kiss right now. I’ll have an extra slice of babka for you tonight, talk soon and Merry Christmas, Bradley! Love you x

12/27 @ 4:49am

I miss sleeping next to you. Whenever I can’t sleep, I think about the way you looked at me in the living room after our Christmas party. You looked so happy and I hate that I have to leave you for all our firsts. First Christmas, first New Year’s, first Valentine’s Day. And god, sweetheart, you’re so fucking gorgeous it makes me want to lose my mind sometimes. Always thinking about you, Bradley 

12/27 @ 8:38am

I miss sleeping next to you, too (especially since your body is like a furnace and you hold me close when I get cold). And I know you being away during the holidays is hard, but look at it this way - we’ll just have our firsts next year. Next year will be our first Christmas, first New Year’s, first Valentine’s Day together, not an ocean apart. We have all the time in the world, rocketman. Love you today and every day x

12/29 @ 6:02pm

There’s already so many things I’m dying to tell you and stories about the squadron we’re teaming up with, but the Navy will have my ass if I give away too many details so I’m just going to leave it at this: are we sure Max doesn’t have a twin on another continent? Take that as you will. What’re your plans for New Year’s? Your Bradley

12/30 @ 9:20am

Sorry for the delayed response! A minor issue with my brother and my dad that I won’t bore you with had the whole house in a tizzy. Thankfully, he and Lauren are gone even though my dad still won’t tell me what the issue was? Anyway! God, I wish I could hear more about Max’s twin? I am honestly kind of scared about knowing there’s a Max doppelgänger in the Navy (jokes!). For New Year’s, I’m going to this party with Mary and dad in the city, it’s at this fancy venue and I have a cute black dress! It’s very different for me and I wish you were here to see it! I’ll have to wear it again. Message me when it’s the New Year your time! Love you! x

01/01 @ 12:09am

Happy New Year, sweetheart! They had a little party for the officers - we even got cake and Bob snuck me and Payback seconds somehow. It’s always the quiet ones you gotta look out for. You absolutely need to send me pictures of you in that dress, I can’t wait to see it on you in person someday. Hope you have a great time with your dad and Mary, give them my best. Love you and again Happy New Year! 

Your Bradley

01/01 @ 12:01am

Happy New Year, Bradley!!! You got cake!! You broke some rules! I approve! Milk them for all the cake they’re worth! I’ll send some pics of the three of us and one just for you big boy 😉 Talk soon and love you so so much! x

01/01 @ 10:59am

Had a late start! Here are the pics from last night! Try and sneak some more cake xx

[mary_and_dad_being_annoying.jpg]

[me.jpg]

01/02 @ 6:12am

You know you labeled the pictures wrong…luckily no one was behind me…

01/02 @ 9:04am

Who? Me? I would NEVER! (Just trying to keep you on your toes.) Hope the flying is going well and you’re staying safe, B! Love you!

01/03 @ 8:00pm

Yeah, it’s going well. It’s so different flying on the open ocean after so long? Last time was in September when I went to Hong Kong. The desert is cool, don’t get me wrong, but seeing the clouds and the water together is unreal. The pink and purple clouds remind me of you (sorry, that was lame). You still gotta let me take you up, kid. I’ve heard Mav is trying to convince you, but you gotta let me be the one. Can’t trust just anyone with my girl. Love B

01/04 @ 10:13am

Bradley…he’s practically your father, I’m pretty sure you can trust him to take me up in a plane, you silly boy. Not that I’m saying you won’t be my first…but come on! And it’s not lame. I like that the pink and purple clouds remind you of me. Every time I see a plane I send a little call out for your safety. Gotta keep you safe, rocketman! Talk soon and love you! x

01/06 @ 4:45pm

My parents just dropped me off at the airport and no matter how many times I leave them, I always cry. I think the only time I didn’t cry when I left their house was when you were with me over Thanksgiving. You always make it better, bubs.

They’re coming down in a couple weeks to help me start packing, anything in the house you wouldn’t want them to see while dropping off boxes? I can still bring my old bed, etc for the guest room, right?

All my love, x

01/06 @ 9:58pm

I think I get that, having you around this time makes it different. I’ve never had anyone to really write to while I’ve been away before. Sure, I talked to my grandparents when they were still around and my aunts and uncles, Nat, Ice, and a couple others, but not like this. And I don’t ever want to not feel like this again. 

I’m an open book, kid. Ain’t got nothing to hide. And yeah, anything like that feel free to bring with you for the guest room or office. It was the bed, nightstands, and dresser and then your couch for the office, yeah? We can get new bedding and pillows for it if you want? I’m on comms blackout for a couple days, so message me whenever you want so I can read them all when we’re back online.

Your Bradley

01/06 @ 10:07pm

Perfect! Love you and stay safe, rocketman.

01/06 @ 10:09pm

Love you too, kid.

01/09 @ 6:11pm

Bradley, I don’t mean to alarm you, but there was a raccoon in your garage! Scratch that, a FAMILY of raccoons!??! I’m sure Mr Harrington was ready to call the cops when he heard my scream. They’re so cute, but also terrifying at the same time? So, I called Pete and he came right over, a true knight in shining armor! Amelia and I did a THOROUGH sweep of the house to make sure they were relegated to the garage. Pete got them out safe and sound with a random tennis racket and your 4 iron, but somebody’s coming tomorrow to check on how they got in there. And I know they aren’t hurting anyone, but I just don’t want there to be any issues later on? (The babies were actually so cute and reminded me of my cat growing up, Porter.) Anyway! Enough drama for tonight, I hope that gets a laugh out of you - talk soon!

Love you! x

01/10 @ 8:05am

Well, the exterminator got here around 7:30 and sprayed all this stuff and blocked the hole in the crawl space of the garage. He showed me pictures and let me tell you, there was quite the nest up there. These raccoons were living large over the holidays. 

01/12 @ 5:21pm

Okay! I’m in the parking lot, waiting for my first cooking class to start. Is it weird I’m a little nervous? I hope everyone else’s skill level is similar, I don’t like feeling behind. I brought my new apron, ironed it and everything. I feel a little like Ina Garten, isn’t she just divine? Okay, okay, I’m going in now! I’ll let you know how it goes! Thanks again for getting me these xx

01/12 @ 7:03pm

I feel so tired? Like my hand cramped a little bit? We started off the class with knife skills, which we’re going to do every week and then made this “simple” egg dish, which was NOT simple and I overcooked the egg. Ina would be so disappointed. Alas! Onto next week. Love you!

01/15 @ 9:12pm

Bradley you’re not going to BELIEVE what just happened on Succession. My heart is POUNDING? Do you think if I called and asked really nicely the Navy would get an HBO subscription for everyone? That is what I would like my tax dollars to go towards. Can you get me a direct line to someone in charge please? Love you!

01/16 @ 7:47am

Not to worry my little Barefoot Contessa, I have returned back to civilization (ie the internet), though am dismayed to have missed this mind blowing Succession episode? Has Perry Mason started back up again or will we be able to watch that together? 

Bob and I were in the gym earlier and he almost dropped a dumbbell on my foot, I swear my life flashed before my eyes. But I had a new PR on the bench press today, up to 285 pounds. Glad the cooking lesson went well though! What’s the class makeup like? x Bradley 

01/16 @ 9:04am

I’m glad you’re back online and safe! Perry Mason has not started yet, though I’m still certain you’re the only person under the age of 55 that watches it (I guess I should say we’re the only people under the age of 55 that watch it, but whatever). You’ve also missed a couple Top Chef episodes, but we can always binge this season later. 

There’s about 12 of us in the class and it’s pretty evenly split? Though there’s tragically this really annoying couple who were at the station next to me. I hope we get to change next week, I don’t think I can watch them feed each other food another week. 

And I’m still waiting for that direct line to the Navy, Bradshaw! Love you! x

01/1 6 @ 6:59pm

Wait, wait, how did I miss there? There was a WHAT in my garage? A raccoon? Multiple raccoons? We need to get a dog or a cat or something. x Bradley 

01/18 @ 7:02am

Bradley!! I know we talked about a trip once you got home (provided you still feel up for it with the transition and all), what if we went here? I was talking about our tentative plans with my dad and Mary before I went back to San Diego and they went to Punta Mita this past fall and LOVED it! What do you think? Love you!

01/18 @ 6:03pm

Holy shit! That looks absolutely amazing, yes I’d love to go! Can we afford that though? It looks expensive? xBradley

01/18 @ 6:05pm

YAY!! Ahh, I’m so excited you have no idea! I want to hug and kiss you so bad right now! We can fly for free since I have a bunch of AA points (thank you pwc) and then I have like a million Amex points, so it’s not full price!! 

01/18 @ 6:12pm

When you say ‘like a million’ do you actually mean a million or?

01/18 @ 6:14pm

Yes! I’ve had this card for like 15 years! My whole family does the pooling on it! It’s a drop in the bucket, promise! Plus, I always use my other card for work and that has a whole bunch of Bonvoy points on it, too. We could stay at one of those? I think there’s a St Regis next door?

01/18 @ 6:22pm

Sweetheart, I want to go, I just don’t want you to waste all those points on this. 

01/18 @ 6:26pm

What if we go for 6 nights instead of 9? Maybe no plunge pool? Or we could pay cash instead? And then I could get 6x the points from paying that way? So, really….the points just keep accumulating, we’ve got to use them sometime! The points can pay for the flights and the hotel and then we can split the room charges and incidentals 50:50?

Will you think about it? You don’t have to give me an answer right away and we can always pick another hotel? But if we want to go someplace in late March/early April, I think we should book soon with spring break and all? Not that I imagine many coeds will be staying at the Four Seasons, but you never know…

01/18 @ 6:33pm

You gotta send me a ppt on all this points stuff, you know math stresses me out. And no, I don’t think many coeds will be staying at the Four Seasons, kid. 

01/18 @ 6:37pm

Can I send you a dossier with everything!?! Even if you say no to that I’m doing it anyway ;) just promise me you’ll think about it, please? I’ll do whatever you want, Bradley <3

01/18 @ 6:40pm

Yes, please send the dossier my way henceforth, Moneypenny. 

And you’ll do whatever I want, huh? Might have to send you a dossier of my own now…

(But yes, I promise I’ll seriously consider everything. I just don’t want you to feel like you have to spend all this money to make me happy. I’d say we’d both be happy camping out on the beach, but I think that might be a security issue down there, plus neither of us like camping - anyway, you know what I mean.)

01/18 @ 6:43pm

Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw!! Is this a dossier for my eyes only? What will M say!? I’ll send you mine if you send me yours?

(But seriously, thank you! I’ll send you more specifics tomorrow - like pricing and whatnot - and you can take a couple days to think it over. And thank you for clarifying the camping thing, I was worried for a second there.)

I love you so much rocketman and we’ll talk (email) tomorrow 

x Moneypenny 

01/18 @ 6:46pm

I’d say ‘sleep tight,’ but that’s a given considering you haven’t been fucked in a couple weeks. 

(Perfect, I genuinely am really excited about it, just want to make sure it works out for us both.)

Love you so much, kid 

Your Bradley

01/18 @ 6:58pm

Bradley Bradshaw!! You did not just say that over a government email server! 

Imissyourcocksobadlyit’sdrivingmeinsane

01/18 @ 7:01pm

Couldn’t help it. Plus, we both know it’s true. 

01/18 @ 7:04pm

Oh, shut up. Shut me up

01/18 @ 11:43pm

I’m sorry if I came off too strong about planning earlier, I might’ve gotten a little carried away and been a little too eager about planning something five days after you’re home from a three month detachment. If at any time before you come home or even right after you come home you don’t feel up to the trip, please please please tell me. I want to do something nice for you and give you a chance to truly relax, but I’d hate for it to come at a price. So, just let me know, okay? Say the word and we’ll push it, alright? I don’t exactly know what you’re going through, but tell me if it’s ever too much. I’ll always be here, promise. Love you x

[dossier_for_your_eyes_only.ppt]

01/19 @ 8:29am

Kid, no. I promise I’ll tell you. You know I love how excited you get planning things. I think I like it so much because you take care of it all. Sure, you ask for my opinion and what I want, but I just have to tell you one thing, one idea and you take care of it. 

Funny though, isn’t it? How it’s totally opposite in the other side of our relationship? You tell me one thing, one idea and I take care of all of it? Bet it’s hard for you not having someone around to do that for you? Maybe next time we Facetime we can talk more about that? x B

01/19 @ 10:11am

Luckily, I have a very creative imagination, Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw. 

See right now, I’m in my office, sitting at my desk, feeling so overwhelmed. It almost hurts how overwhelmed and frustrated I am. And you bust down the door, hair windswept like you’d flown to Del Mar, and you have that slutty flight suit on and I don’t even mind that you’re sweaty and gross. You smell absolutely divine and I rake my hands through your hair as you eat me out underneath my glass desk. I get a conference call, but you don’t stop the entire time. You like how squirmy and fussy I get, I can’t focus on the deliverable I’m working on for the client. You like that I can’t control myself, that I squeeze my thighs around your head. Eventually, you can’t take it anymore, your cock is aching so badly, and you need to fuck me on top of my desk. You’re so strong it almost breaks. You fuck me so good everyone in the office can hear me crying out for you. 

(actually, I’m on the couch, watching college football, but it’s more fun to imagine you fucking me in my office - see, creative imagination! Make sure you get a quiet room for that Facetime...)

Love x

01/19 @ 7:29pm

You think you’re funny, huh? You have any more of those thoughts, feel free to send them my way. ‘m taking out that picture you gave me for Christmas right now. How you taking care of yourself? My imagination isn’t as creative as yours. B

01/19 @ 7:40pm

Guess you’ll have to wait for our next Facetime…

x

01/20 @ 4:24pm

Your dad and Mary write me emails, you know. They aren’t as good correspondents as you are (for how could they possibly be, my dear?), but they check in about once a week or so. Mary sends me some of the articles she gives her students and talks about the show she’s watching with your dad. Your dad mainly talks about you. It makes me wish my parents were still around to do this stuff with me. Just checking in and writing emails and bragging about me to my girlfriend? How was yesterday’s class?

Your Bradley

01/20 @ 5:39m

I didn’t know they wrote you that often and I’m beyond embarrassed that my dad talks about me that much? But come on, Bradley…you have someone who does that, too? He’s about 5’8” (on a good day), looks great in a leather jacket, and just spent about two hours last weekend cleaning your gutters and telling me about how you won your high school’s debate scholarship?? Like how could you not tell me that? It’s literally one of the hottest things I’ve heard about you!

Class was good! They taught us a trick to cut onions without crying and one of the other girls complimented my apron! We’re doing meats next week, cutting, marinating, cooking, etc. and I’m excited!

01/20 @ 5:42pm

Oh gee, I bet it’s just awful for you to have Mav around all the time. Knight in shining armor…

01/20 @ 5:48pm

He’s not a bother! And it’s not all the time! We’re actually going to get lunch together on Saturday! It’s this new place on the water.

01/20 @ 5:50pm

Sounds like a cute little date! You’ll have to tell me how he is. Love you so much B

01/20 @ 5:55pm

I’ll keep ya posted, bubs! Love you!

01/22 @ 10:01am

Breaking news, kid. Your esteemed, naval aviator boyfriend is going to be on 60 Minutes at the end of February. Totally came out of left field, but I couldn’t say anything until they finished filming. It’s about the Navy in the Pacific and “the lost art of shipbuilding.” They even rigged up a camera on my plane and everything, it was so cool. I’ve been dying to tell you, but again couldn’t say anything until it was official. I probably won’t be on it long since they interviewed the Admiral and Pac Fleet Commander for most of it, but yeah, Payback and Bob and I will be on with my girl Norah. I made sure I had enough sunscreen on so I was camera ready at all times. Love you B

01/22 @ 10:09am

YOU’RE FUCKING SHITTING ME????? Oh my god, Bradley! That’s amazing! Margie even ran into my office to see what made me shriek! I am TOTALLY having a viewing party! Oh my god, how do you think it went? Did they get your good side? What about hair and makeup? I know you get helmet hair, bubs. 

Seriously, so so excited and proud of you, Bradley! I’m going to make my dad and Mary come down for it! She doesn’t teach on Mondays, so this is perfect for them to stay over Sunday night! But now don’t go letting all that fame get to your head, Lieutenant Commander Bradshaw 😉 Love you so much x

01/24 @ 12:17pm

Rocketman - 

I was sitting at my desk earlier and listening to some music before my 12:30 meeting and Elton John’s Rocket Man popped up on my shuffle. Obviously, as you are my rocketman, I always think of you whenever I hear it, but today the lyrics really scratched that special part of my brain, so I did a deep dive into the song’s origins. 

Please note, I’m including this time in my billable hours to the client (re. you). My findings are as follows:

Bernie Taupin was inspired by a Ray Bradbury story written in 1951 titled ‘The Rocket Man’ - not drugs as the urban legend states! Drugs! Imagine!

Bradbury’s ‘The Rocket Man’ was first published in Maclean’s, a weekly Canadian magazine, before it was published in the short story collection ‘The Illustrated Man’ that same year

‘The Illustrated Man’ later was made into a film, though ‘The Rocket Man’ story was notably absent

Some of more popular and renowned stories from the collection include ‘The Veldt’ and ‘The Long Rain,’ the latter of which is commonly read in high school honors English

Was client in honors English? Please confirm in follow up correspondence

Client has mentioned extensive library resources at disposal - perhaps he can check this collection out on his next visit? But for now, an executive summary has been provided:

With space travel more commonplace in society, Doug’s father, an astronaut, is sent on frequent, three- month journeys into space

Despite missing his dad, Doug also longs to be a Rocket Man, though his mother frequently prevails on Doug to beg his father to stay on Earth and be with the family

“What’s it like, out in space?” Mother shot me a frightened glance. It was too late. Dad stood there for a full half minute trying to find an answer, then he shrugged.“It’s the best thing in a lifetime of best things.” Then he caught himself. “Oh, it’s really nothing at all. Routine. You wouldn’t like it.” He looked at me, apprehensively. “But you always go back.” “Habit.”

The father finds that his work is ruining his life, but the draw of the stars is too great: "You don’t know what it is. Every time I’m out there I think, if I ever get back to Earth I’ll stay there; I’ll never go out again. But I got out, and I guess I’ll always go out.”

Even while on vacation with the family, having Thanksgiving dinner, or sitting on the back porch, the father’s eyes are always on the sky…

Doug’s father begs him to not be like him, to not be a rocket man, but what happens when his father goes on one last journey to the stars?

Through much reflection, I have decided that ‘The Rocket Man’ was written about you - and your mom and your dad and me and on and on until there is no longer a need for Rocket Men - or the rocket man simply stops and breaks the cycle

You are both the Rocket Man and the little boy, forever waiting for his father to come home from space

The allure of flying, of being a ‘rocket man,’ is both too great and too sad for you to ignore

None of this is to say the rocket man is selfish, no. He simply cannot resist the temptation. He knows nothing other than the thrill and peace of being amongst the stars

And his mother shielding Doug from the sun at the end is like your mom asking Mav to pull your papers, she does it to save him, but it cannot keep him from becoming his father

Needless to say - I had to postpone my 12:30 meeting until tomorrow as my eyes were far too puffy and any word I tried to say felt like cotton in my mouth.

I miss you and I love you - your ‘Lilly’  

01/24 @ 8:22pm

Fuck - I love you so much. My clever girl.

01/24 @ 8:28pm

I pour my heart out to you and that’s all you have to say, rocketman? ‘Fuck - I love you so much’

(of course, I also love you so much, my clever boy.)

01/24 @ 8:30pm

Darling - it’s going to take me a little longer to come up with any commentary you deem appropriate, so for the sake of time, yes. I gotta read this story in full. I’ll be at the library at my earliest convenience. ‘The client’ will send an annotated copy with his notes henceforth.

01/24 @ 8:32pm

Of course, sweet boy. Goodnight, I love you so much. x

01/25 @ 11:44am

As promised, my darling girl. Love you.

[b.bradshaw_the rocket man_final paper.pdf]

01/25 @ 7:14pm

Oh Bradley! I love you so much, rocketman. Yes, I couldn’t have said it better. Yours x

01/26 @ 10:39am

Bradley! They’re sending me to London in February for two weeks! I even get a swanky corporate apartment for the stay. I wish you could come with me - even if it was just for a long weekend? We could go to all my favorite restaurants and afternoon tea and for walks in all the parks. One day it’ll work out! 

But tragedy of all tragedies! I just realized I’m going to miss a couple cooking lessons when I’m in London! I already emailed the instructor before today’s class and she said there’s other classes throughout the week that are behind us, so I can make it up with them! Ahhh I’m so excited! Talk soon, love you!

01/26 @ 11:13pm

I didn’t realize how nervous I was about the trip until I went to bed tonight. It’ll be my first trip abroad since I got my promotion in November. Plus, it’s a completely different client than my last trip abroad and I’ve only met one person on this new London team before. Sometimes I go into these meetings and still feel like a little kid? I’m always the youngest person in the room and normally the only woman and on one hand, that’s cool? But sometimes I feel like someone’s daughter instead of their colleague? Like these guys are my dad’s age? And they’re actually supposed to listen to what I have to say about their company? Do you ever feel like that? Like you don’t really belong, despite knowing you’ve earned your place? I wish you were beside me right now. My bed feels way too big tonight. Love you.

01/27 @ 7:48am

Sweetheart! I am so unbelievably proud of you! That’s amazing! You gotta celebrate, go out to dinner with Caro and Darcy, maybe even Nat! I know you’ve been working so hard these last couple of weeks, you absolutely deserve this. I can’t say I know exactly what you’re going through, but yes. I have absolutely felt like I haven’t belonged or deserved something despite having ‘checked off all the boxes.’ I felt that way when I got promoted to LC and when I got that award in October. Everytime I see it on my uniform, I feel a bit like a faker? Like do I really deserve this? But then I remember the way you smiled at me when I got back to my seat that night and how proud of me you were and I think maybe I do deserve it? Plus, I also think of how goddamn gorgeous you looked all fucked out later that night. 

And please note, I would happily slip into bed alongside you, especially since my bed feels way too small tonight. Love you, Bradley

01/27 @ 10:56am

Thank you for earlier. I don’t know, sometimes I just feel like I’m just too soft for all of this? Like I’m always trying to prove something to everyone and I get a little lost. Tell me something good? x

01/27 @ 7:01pm

How about this? Every time I go up in the sky and see the way the sun hits the clouds, I think of you. I’ve never wanted to be with someone as much as I want to be with you. I love you so much, kid

Your Bradley 

01/27 @ 7:06pm

Sometimes I can’t believe we love each other this much, it feels like a dream  x

01/27 @ 7:11pm

I can. Your Bradley 

01/30 @ 7:08am

i slept in one of your shirts last night. it doesn’t smell like you anymore, but it feels like you: soft and safe and warm x

01/30 @ 7:23am

Well I spray my pillowcase with your perfume whenever I miss you so I guess we’re even

Your Bradley

ps - can you send me another bottle?

01/30 @ 7:34am

You’re already out? What sort of illicit behavior are you engaging in with that perfume bottle? 

01/30 @ 10:33pm

I burrow my face in my pillow so I can smell it while I fist my cock, why? What’d you have in mind?

01/30 @ 10:37pm

How does that work though? Like genuinely? Do you jack off with Rueben in the top bunk? Or wait till he’s in the gym? I’ve been curious about this for a while now. What about the showers? Is it like an open floor plan thing? Or are there stalls? Is there a Zillow listing for this aircraft carrier?

01/30 @ 10:41pm

Now why would I ruin the mystery? 

01/30 @ 10:43pm

Bradley!!!!

01/30 @ 10:44pm

Atta girl, that’s the spirit! Love you 

02/02 @ 6:30pm

I am so sick of going to the gym. It seems like it’s all Payback and I do lately. We got this new workout regime that’s been killing me - don’t say it’s because I’m old. Though, I have been using my Theragun. Payback does my back if I do his in return. It was only awkward the first time he turned it on too hard and yelped (please tell everyone that). 

02/02 @ 6:46pm

Oh, so you and Rueben Theragun each other, huh? Say more Lieutenant Commander!

02/04 @ 2:45pm

Going to Pete and Penny’s in a bit to watch the Super Bowl! Max is at the game, apparently his golf buddy Jimmy G hooked him up, though he neglected to bring me or Caroline. I feel like you would’ve been his first choice, so take that as a compliment I suppose. Do you guys do anything onboard for it? I have $350 on the 49ers winning by 3. Have a lovely day my darling boy x

02/04 @ 9:30pm

Guess who’s as snug as a bug on a rug in her bed AND $1400 dollars richer? That would be me! When you get home we’re going to Juniper and Ivy, my treat, bubs! x

02/06 @ 4:57am

Awww sweetheart are you gonna sugar mama me again? 

02/06 @ 7:03am

You do know the only reason you’re getting away with that is because there’s an ocean between us, right? 

02/06 @ 6:00pm

Sorry, couldn’t resist! Love you! B

02/06 @ 6:10pm

You’re lucky I love you so much. x

02/08 @ 9:58pm

Can you imagine if I was gone for 20 years?

02/08 @ 10:11pm

Bradley that’s not funny 

02/08 @ 10:13pm

It’s not supposed to be. I’m reading the Odyssey and it got me thinking. 

02/08 @ 10:16pm

Bradley I love you something awful, but you are such an old man sometimes. 

Are you going through some sort of midlife crisis reading the Odyssey while you’re at sea?? Is the Old Man and the Sea next?

(ps i love the thought of you reading in your bunk in your spare time and being so struck by something composed thousands of years ago that you have to email me)

02/08 @ 10:20pm

They wait 20 years to get back to each other - practically half their lives. They miss so many things and barely knew each other before he left, but they’re still so - I don’t even know? They’re just so intent on getting back to the other in Odysseus’s case? While Penelope makes sure there’s something for him to come back to? And I must’ve read this stanza ten times before I had to email you: 

"...the gods cast me upon Ogygia, Calypso's island, home of the dangerous sea nymph with glossy braids, and the goddess took me in in all her kindness, welcomed me warmly, cherished me, even vowed to make me immortal, ageless, all my days - but she never won the heart inside me, never" 

And I know it’s not a perfect comparison or parallel, but I read that last bit and I couldn’t help but think of you? And how you’re the one who won my heart and it’s always going to be that way. Whether I see you in twenty seconds or twenty years.

02/08 @ 10:23pm

You’d come home to me whether it took twenty seconds or twenty years. You’d come home to me and I’d know you anywhere. I love you so much. 

02/08 @ 10:58pm

“Now help me, please, to get back home, and quickly! I miss my family. I have been gone so long it hurts.” 

Your Bradley

02/09 @ 7:03pm

At the airport for London! Taking off! And I may or may not have used points to upgrade to a Club World seat…but like? It’s a nonstop flight, so it’s okay, right? Work’s already paying for business class? It’s points from my work card? It’ll be fine, right?

I had to take an ativan in the lounge. I just hate that I still get so nervous whenever I fly long distance? I fly all the time, I shouldn’t be like this? You know, one time, I pretended you were flying my plane. I know it’s kind of dumb and silly and a completely different type of plane, but it made me feel better because you’d never let anything happen to me. 

Anyway, we’re book buddies!! I went to the bookstore a couple days ago and got a copy! I read the Odyssey back in high school, but forgot so much. I was reading in the lounge and this part made me think of you:

“...this lovely house, my marriage home, so full of wealth and life, which I suppose I will remember even in my dreams.”

I’ll text you when I land my darling boy, love you x

02/10 @ 6:02am

You gotta squeeze every last bit of your per diem out of pwc. You’ve been working way too hard lately. Fuck it, on the way home just put the upgrade on your work card or put it on mine. Have a safe (rest of your) flight - maybe one day you’ll let me take you up. Love Bradley 

02/10 @ 10:08am

Just landed and on my way to the office (already…)

I thought of you as I read and stared out the window on the plane. I could pretend I’m flying towards you, rather than further away. I can’t imagine how you feel doing this everyday, but I imagine it’s like feeling limitless, like everything is in front of you, there for the taking. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll let you take me up one day. 

I’ll keep you posted on how everything’s going if you do the same. All my love x

02/12 @ 5:49am

How’s it going, kid? They working you too hard? You’re in London! Try to enjoy it, you deserve it. One of the guys I’m with gave me a restaurant recommendation for you, said the drinks were amazing, his wife loved it. Do something fun while you’re there! And send me some pictures dammit!

Love you, 

Bradley 

02/12 @ 8:22am

Bradley! It’s been so so crazy here! I feel like I haven’t stopped since I landed. My ‘flat’ is so cute and right by the client’s offices, so it’s an easy commute. I feel so professional taking the Tube places too! It’s one thing I’d like us to have in San Diego as opposed to all the traffic. Also, it’s CHILLY here and I’m so glad I dug my big coat out of storage. I’ll try and check the restaurant out this weekend, I’m gonna sneak in a trip to the Tate, too. I’ve always wanted to see the Turners. Talk soon and love you bunches! x 

02/14 @ 9:54am

Bradley Bradshaw! You absolute SAP! HOW!?! Did you conspire with my dad again? Thank you for the flowers! I’m going to have the biggest smile on my face all day. I love you and hope this is the first of a lifetime of Valentine’s Days together. Always x 

02/14 @ 7:33pm

Happy Valentine’s Day to you too, kid. I’m not gonna lie, I gave your dad very specific instructions for the bouquet (I was going to ask Max, but he’d probably swap it for something ugly and cheap and keep the change…kidding (not)), so I’m glad they turned out well. It was a very big day on board today: we got special red heart cookies for the holiday. The mood was infectious, I can still taste the sprinkles. Maybe you could cook for me on our next Facetime? Have you learned anything good in class lately? It doesn’t have to be fancy, just wanna see you (and maybe also live vicariously through whatever you’re making).  

02/14 @ 7:33pm

Bradley! I think I can swing that for you, when do you think our next call will be? 

02/16 @ 3:18pm

Kid, you spoil me. This package is amazing, I don’t know where to start (just kidding it’s with the Cadbury chocolate and the Sudocrem as my burnt shoulders thank you), but everything is wonderful, thank you. I love hearing about London and seeing the pictures you sent last time. But I do have one complaint…you’re not in any of the pictures, kid, and that’s truly egregious. (Think we won’t be able to Facetime for a while, I gave Payback my slot the other day.)

02/16 @ 3:23pm

That’s not true! I’m in the one in front of the Tate!

02/16 @ 3:25pm

Yeah, but I can’t see you under all those layers! Just want to see your face. It’s been way too long since our last Facetime.

02/16 @ 9:52pm

As requested, Lieutenant Commander. I had one of the girls in the London office take this at dinner tonight. She really did wonders with the lighting and even managed to get my sidecar in the pic! x Love you

02/17 @ 6:55am

You look pretty. New dress? B

02/17 @ 7:17am

Maybe…it was on sale, couldn’t resist. But you’re gonna hate me because all of my clothes are very much not going to fit in your closet. Also, I bought you a new jacket and some socks. x

02/17 @ 7:20am

Ehhh I’m not too worried about the closet thing. But if you keep buying me clothes we might have a problem.

02/17 @ 7:24am

It’s so cute though!! You’re going to look so handsome in it! I got the green one for you!

02/17 @ 7:29am

Okay, admittedly a very nice jacket, thank you. But you are aware that we live in San Diego…

02/17 @ 7:31am

I am aware of that fact, LC Bradshaw. You can wear it when we visit my parents. Hell, I had to get my coat out of my storage closet for this trip. 

02/17 @ 6:53pm

Sighhhhh you raise a good point. Alright, alright, thank you for the jacket and socks my darling girl. What’d you have for dinner last night? We had chicken with these absolutely awful biscuits, tasted like saw dust, my stomach was growling for some more of that Cadbury chocolate (yes, Payback and I ate all of it already, though it was mainly Payback) for hours afterward. 

02/17 @ 6:59pm

Oh my sweet boy! Who do I need to call about your meal plan? Give me the number and I’ll call the Navy up right now. And I had scallops with truffle risotto. It was delicious. Wanted to lick the bowl clean. Love you bubs x

02/19 @ 10:22pm

Bubs, I cannot eat another meal out. I feel like I’m going to burst. I’ve gone to so many work dinners and lunches even before coming here, it almost makes me feel like a glutton. 

I miss you and your cooking (though I’ll have you know that my skills were vastly improving before my trip abroad!) and you standing behind me at the counter while I try to perfectly cut peppers. Sometimes I do it wrong on purpose so you’ll put your arms around me and I can feel the rumble of your voice. Would we call that weaponized incompetence? You better be ready for some Michelin Star meals when you get home, buddy. I just can’t wait to be home with you and roll over next to you in the morning and to tell you to stop snoring and that the battery in the smoke detector needs to be changed. I can’t wait to be home with you and make a life with you. I’m going to be really sappy now, but let me have this because I was reading this poem the other day and thought of you. 

“I am supposed to be touched. I can’t wait to find the person who will come into the kitchen just to smell my neck and get behind me and hug me and breathe me in and make me turn around and make me kiss his face and put my hands in his hair even with my soapy dishwater drips. I am a lovely woman. Who will come into my kitchen and be hungry for me?” (x)

Only a month until you’re home with me, I hope you’re hungry. 

All my love x

02/20 @ 4:50am

It’s only weaponized incompetence if the other person minds. I, however, do not mind. I loved that quote you sent me, going to be thinking about that one for a long time. I hate to tell you this, but I’m gonna be offline for a couple days. I hate that it’s at the end of your trip, but please please message me when you’re leaving/taking off and again when you land, you know I worry. Love you and am so unbelievably proud of you, kid! You killed it in London. Your Bradley

02/20 @ 7:03am

That’s okay, I totally understand. I’ll give you all the details on our next Facetime. In the meantime, I message you when I leave. Stay safe and love you, Bradley! x

02/23 @ 3:45pm

Taking off soon! I got an upgrade again, thankfully! And I made sure to put your new coat in my carry on - I don’t trust British Airways not to lose it! Taking an ativan again so hopefully I’ll sleep the entire flight - love you and talk soon!

02/24 @ 10:33pm

Just landed, slept through….90% of the flight! Apparently, there was bad turbulence, so probably for the best. Now, I know you would never have me deal with that my darling rocketman! Talk later - love you! x

02/25 @ 7:09pm

Feels kind of weird being back? I can’t quite get back into my routine. I’m not sure if it’s jet lag or something else? Feeling a little lost? x

02/26 @ 7:55pm

Bradley!!! You were so good, I’m so so proud of you! Max had everyone over at his place for us to watch you! We have quite the party here including my parents, Pete, Penny and Amelia, Natasha, Mickey and Cielo, Caroline, and Darcy. I’ll have to tell you about the parents meeting later. I wish you had been here for it, they took to each other like bees to honey. 

You looked tragically handsome, I practically had to hold back a moan when you were standing on the flight deck talking to Norah O’Donnell (is she as nice in person as she is on TV?). God, I want to ravish you, you sounded so fucking smart. You know like half the country is going to be in love with you now, right? I’ve got to get back to everyone, Max ordered dinner for us afterwards, but I had to email you as soon as you finished!

Just wanted to let you know how proud of you I am and how much I love you x

02/27 @ 5:09am

Thanks, kid. Sorry it took me a bit to respond, things have been getting a bit crazy, you know, now that I’m a celebrity and all? We’re winding down this training, so the next couple weeks are gonna be full of debriefs and paperwork, which means I should have a more stable schedule. Love you B

02/28 @ 11:48pm

Sometimes I wonder if you were here what would you do? Hold me? Love me? I never feel small except when I’m in your arms. x

02/29 @ 11:48pm

Some nights in bed, if I try really hard, I can imagine I’m laying down next to you. And it makes everything just a little easier. Bradley

03/01 @ 12:56am

I haven’t taken anything besides my fingers in months. You’re going to stretch me out so well when you get home. 

03/01 @ 7:19pm

And I’m gonna mark your ass pink for that comment. I can’t believe you sent that in the middle of the day. You getting yourself off at work? Dirty girl. 

03/01 @ 9:41pm

Never feels as good as when you do it. 

03/01 @ 10:01pm

And my hands pale in comparison to your pretty little cunt. You know that first time we slept together you were so fucking tight, I knew you hadn’t had a good fuck in ages. It gonna be like that again when I come home?

03/01 @ 10:05pm

Where are you going to have me first?

03/01 @ 10:06pm

In our bed, in our house, after you make me dinner in our kitchen. 

03/01 @ 10:09pm

Just over two weeks now, I can’t wait to see you. x

03/03 @ 5:55am

How you holding up, kid? You doing a little better this week work wise? Try and log off around 5 if you can. Don’t want you getting all worn down on me. 

They had us doing these war games yesterday that made me think of you. You would’ve walked circles around some of these other guys I swear. Think I can get a Facetime for us in a couple days? Probably will be our last one before I come home. Love you, B

03/03 @ 7:12am

Bradley! That's the best news I’ve had in ages! I can’t wait to see you! Definitely felt a little lost after coming back from London, but I hope my rut will be over soon? Tying things up with a client is always so lengthy and tedious. 

War games! ‘Would you like to play a game?’ I’d ask if you won, but no one ever wins in the art of war 😉Love you!

03/05 @ 8:54pm

So, here’s a new one. My mom called? She’s going to be stateside and wants to get lunch tomorrow. Could’ve done with a bit more warning, but apparently, she has a layover in San Diego on her way to New York to see my brother? I didn’t even know she was going to see him? I don’t even know if I want to see her? It’s funny, I can already tell you exactly how it’ll play out:

We’ll go to lunch at some sort of vegan restaurant, probably Donna Jean

She’ll make me pay

She’ll try to get me to use some sort of herb to promote weight loss since I’m looking a bit “pudgy” around the face

Though she’ll forget to ask about you, she’ll tell me about her latest string of failed relationships with bartenders and surf instructors in Canggu. Or is it Ubud? I genuinely don’t remember, she started in Ubud, but honestly my knowledge of Balinese geography is rudimentary at best 

She’ll ask how ‘that woman’ is doing as if Mary is just the woman my dad is seeing, not the woman who raised me and my brother

And finally, she’ll ask for money though betting is still open as to what for!

So, what do you say? Wanna put a wager on it? Your terms.

Love you! x

03/06 @ 6:30am

$100 she orders the caesar and makes you pay. I’m not even going to entertain the third parlay, pretty girl. Oddly feeling like she’s got a winner on her hands so yes she’ll talk about her new paramour. Does she really call Mary ‘that woman?’ And yes, without a question, she will ask you for money.

Your move my gorgeous girl,

Bradley

03/06 @ 7:49pm

I really wish you were here right now. She doesn’t even know me, but she somehow always manages to make me feel small. 

Caesar - no croutons 

I paid

Pudgy and frumpy, but she was hawking shakes not herbs

Failed relationship? No, she’s actually GETTING MARRIED

She did not ask about you much other than to say I need to watch my figure for you (see bullet point no. 3)

Mary was called ‘that woman’ six times before I stopped counting

She asked for money as a wedding present 

So, you didn’t get them all, but not a bad showing. Love you. Talk tomorrow on Facetime. x

03/07 @ 6:09am

God kid, I’m so sorry. She doesn’t know what she’s missing. Actually, I don’t even think she deserves to know what she’s missing. Did you talk to your dad or Mary about it? I know we’re talking later, but I just wanted you to have a message from me before you start your day. What’re you wearing to the office tomorrow? Have you worn that polka dot dress with the bow lately? You know it’s one of my favorites and that I always love unwrapping it when you get home from the office. 

Can’t wait to see you tonight. All my love, Bradley

03/07 @ 9:55am

The dress doesn’t fit. My mom was right, I shouldn’t have gotten the french toast.

I’m planning on talking to dad and Mary later today before you and I have our Facetime. I know they’ll make me feel better, much like you have my darling boy, but it still feels pretty crummy. Especially since I’m sure she’s going to have wonderful time in New York with my brother 🙄 and I’ll have to hear all about it next time I talk to him. 

And I’m not sure if I’ve unpacked that dress yet! I’ll have to do some digging. Talk soon! x

03/10 @ 3:26am

We had a little baby. He was always giggling and laughing and we were making silly faces and he looked so small in your arms, Bradley. So small and little and he was ours. And then I turned around and he was toddling around the house and we were chasing him and his little legs were moving so quickly and we all wound up on the couch in a tangle of limbs, giggling under the blankets as we tickled him and he called you daddy. 

It wasn’t our house - or what will be our house, I guess? Instead of the leather couch you have, it was white and big and wide and the three of us could easily fit on it, snuggled together. 

And I could feel your arms around me, rocking me back and forth. I could feel you humming in my ear and kissing my neck and telling me you loved me. I could feel it. I could feel you. I could feel him and you. And it was nice and I felt warm and safe and cherished and loved. Because I felt so much love for this little boy in my arms - the perfect mix of me and you. Everything felt right and perfect. 

Except when I rolled over in bed to tell you about it, I realized I was alone in my bed, in my apartment, and not in the house that we shared or with the little boy that looked so much like you and I haven’t felt so empty and sad since I can’t remember when. 

And I just miss you so much, Bradley. I know I can come across as glib and unfeeling sometimes and like this doesn’t affect me as much. But it does and sometimes I feel like my heart is going to burst because I’ve never felt like this for anyone else before? It’s never been so easy for me to love someone and let them love me to the point that I always want to be beside them. And I know with your job - and mine - that can’t always happen, but god Bradley I wish you were here right now so you could hold me and tell me you loved me because I just want to feel your arms around me and know you’re real. I want to tell you about the little boy - the perfect mix of me and you. 

I love you rocketman x

03/11 @ 12:49pm

I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything. I realize that’s a lot to drop on you, especially since we can’t talk in person. I guess I’ve just never missed a person more in my life and seeing that future showed me what we could have when you come home. God, Bradley I want you to come home so badly. I want you to stay here with me forever and never leave and to have that cute little boy who was the perfect mix of me and you and to have you here in my arms every night. And I know it’s selfish of me to ask or even make you think about it, but I want you right here - in twenty seconds, not twenty years. 

How did your hop go today? x

03/11 @ 7:03pm

I have dreams like that, too. I’ll be little, but still older than I was when my dad died and we’ll be at the beach, running around, and he’ll pick me up and spin me around like I’m flying on an airplane. 

But then it’ll be me and my kid, running around and I’ll pick them up and spin them around like they’re flying on an airplane. Sometimes it’s a girl, sometimes a little boy. But I always just can feel and tell that I love them and I’d do anything for them. 

And I used to hate waking up alone after I had them and I’d feel empty and sad and like I had the feeling that they should still be there? Except now I have you and I know it doesn’t just have to be a dream?

Sorry it took me so long to reply. Today was hectic and I didn’t get to check my email until later. But if I checked it earlier, my day would’ve been a lot easier on my heart. 

All my love,

Your Bradley

03/12 @ 7:11pm

How do you always know exactly what to say? I’m sorry for springing that all on you, know it wasn’t exactly a quick/easy message, but I love that you knew exactly what I meant. My day’s always a lot easier on my heart when I hear from you, too. Love you x

03/13 @ 10:17pm

i miss having you around to take care of me. and telling me what to do and what to wear for you and how you want me and where you want me and when you want me and and and. and how good i feel around you as you come, how you take what’s yours. how i need you to take control and tell me what i need because i’m too much of a dumb slut to figure it out on my own. i need you so much bradley. and it’s so hard because i’m trying to take care of myself like you do and imagine what you’d do if you were with me right now. but i’m so frustrated since no one takes care of me like you do. i feel so empty. nothing stretches me out like you do, nothing makes me feel as small as you do, nothing makes me flush like the sound of your voice against my neck as i come, nothing soothes the ache inside me like you do. need you to call me good girl, pretty girl, sweet girl, anything as long as it’s yours. 

i need you i need you i need you i need you bradley bradley bradley bradley

3/13 @ 10:39pm

Awwww sweetheart, did you get yourself all worked up over me? It’s okay, I know it’s hard for you all by yourself. Must’ve been real bad for you to risk this getting flagged, huh? Poor thing, don’t worry, I’ll take care of you. 

Want you to pretend I’m next to you, leaning over you as you lay down and touch yourself. Say yes Bradley, more Bradley. Bradley, Bradley, Bradley. Good girl. 

Want you naked under the covers, no frilly little pajama set or anything. No, I want your cum to stain the sheets and then for you to have to clean up in the morning, all embarrassed because you did this. You made yourself like this because you can’t control yourself without me around. All that cum being wasted. Nobody around to lick it off your pussy. So what doesn’t get on the sheets, you have to taste. Good girl. 

Want you to use your fingers - only your fingers, I’ll know if you use anything else. Start with your breasts. Think of how perfectly they fit in my hands and how yours aren’t quite the same. They aren’t as big. Aren’t as strong. Play with your nipples, drag your nails across the soft skin on the underside of your breasts.

Want you to sigh my name as you slide your hands down your stomach towards your pretty little pussy. Have you shaved? Gotten a wax? You know how I like it, want it just like that when I get home. Pretend it’s my fingers sliding into your cunt. A few touches and you’re already clenching on air and I’m not even around. 

In and out, in and out. Circle your clit with your thumb. Add another finger, then another. You rocking your hips yet? I know you’re soaked. I know you want more. Three fingers can’t stretch you out nearly as much as you need. But I don’t know if you can handle anything else without me around. And I know you would never disagree with me, right? Because you’re my good girl and good girls do what they’re told. 

Don’t hesitate to get loud. You’re in our house, in our bed, you can be as loud as you want. Bet you’re getting close, huh? Try and last a little longer, can you hear yourself and how wet you are? Are you shaking yet? I know you’re close. Go ahead, speed up your fingers, just the way I do. It’s okay, you can come. Know you’re gonna get sleepy soon, wish I could sleep inside you, nice and tight.

Now say thank you Bradley. Good girl. 

03/14 @ 5:49pm

Thank you, Bradley. Thank you for taking care of me last night 

You like chicken piccata, right?

03/14 @ 7:33pm

Yeah, kid, I like chicken piccata. 

03/14 @ 7:39pm

Okay, that’s good. I’m going to make it when you come home. I ran it by my cooking instructor. Ina’s recipe of course. 

(I’ve read your email seven times since you sent it. I’ve thought about it constantly. I want you to take me softly and slowly that first time. But after that? I can’t wait to let go and float. Love you so much x)

03/15 @ 6:09am

You’re the boss. Good thing I’ll be home soon, you’re gonna run out of material. As is, I had to type that last one with one hand. 

Love you,

B

03/15 @ 7:21am

I’ll be good till you get home, promise. 

Have a good day, do you think we’ll get to talk much from now till Friday? Love you x

03/15 @ 7:24am

I’ll hold you to it. 

I don’t think so, might be able to send one out before leaving the boat. Better make it a good one. 

All my love

Your Bradley 

03/15 @ 7:25am

You got it! Love you bubs 

03/18 @ 11:08pm

Kid - there’s this lyric that keeps running through my head: ‘and I want you right here.’ I want you beside me - today, tomorrow, all my days. I want you right here, beside me forever. In twenty seconds, not twenty years. See you tomorrow.

All my love,

Your Bradley

03/18 @ 11:11pm

See you tomorrow, rocketman. I’ll be the one in blue.

Love you x

a/n: thanks for reading! i'll be back with part ii and part iii (hopefully not in...4 months). i had so much fun writing these and getting to explore a different format and side to their relationship! thanks to alexa @sometimesanalice, kylie @ofstoriesandstardust, cass @notroosterbradshaw, elle @dissonannce, nik @cherrycola27, and loren @heartsofminds for all the support!

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Hello friends

My name is Lindsey, age 24, from Texas, USA.

Nonbinary, bisexual, any pronouns.

This blog is for random thoughts and stuff I like. Aesthetic photos, queer stuff, psychedelia, art and drawings, mostly. Not active in any fandoms but I might post stuff related to Dark Souls/Bloodborne, veganism, atheism, and my other random interests.

I also occasionally post my own art. These will be tagged #myart. Please feel free to reblog!

Minors please do not interact. Y’all get back to doing your homework and playing Forkknife. TERFs, fascists, Republicans, Christians, do not interact. I get enough of you in my day to day life. Go back to whatever hole you crawled out of. All empty blogs and porn bots will be blocked, sorry ladies.

I do follow back and will follow basically any blog as long as you seem chill. Don’t be shy, say hello!

I’m a speech teacher irl. Have an adorable cat and an awesome boyfriend. Just vibing in life. 🌺 🌼 🪷 🌸 🌹 🌷 🌿 ☁️ 🌱 🍂 🍄 🐜 ⛅️ 🪸 🏜️ 🌔 🪲 🕸️ 🌏 🦢 🪴 ⛈️

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