#just been thinking about beauty standards and attraction a lot lately!!!

[allroseshave-their-pricks]

oh god I'm getting OLD

[irrealisms]

svsss and sexual violence pt. 1: shen yuan's realization of himself as a target

it's been a while (read: two months) since my last Big Meta so it's time for another one! this one is about my reading of svsss as in large part About sexual violence but it's gonna be in multiple parts; this one is about 1k, with a lot of quotes from canon, and is focused on Shen Yuan realizing that he has been put in a position where he is a target for sexual violence.

standard disclaimer at the beginning: i am not saying that this is the Only thing svsss is about, or that other readings are invalid; i am not intending to character-bash most of the characters here (while i will freely admit to thinking e.g. old palace master or qiu jianluo are pretty one-dimensionally shitty, lots--probably most--of the characters in this series who i mention as perpetrating SA are characters who do have depths & who i in fact like a lot! despite this meta, or perhaps because of it, my second-favorite character is luo binghe, and i am in fact a bingqiu shipper!); and, obviously, huge fucking CW for sexual abuse and adjacent topics.

(also: shoutout to @rooses40stepskincareroutine for motivating me to actually write all this out haha)

TABLE OF CONTENTS pt 1: shen yuan's realization of himself as a target (you are here) pt 2: gender and homophobia pt 3: non-bingqiu sexual violence pt 4: shen qingqiu's body pt 5: we live in a society

When we first meet Shen Yuan, he's oblivious to the idea of himself as a sexual object. He's attracted to others and at times has to deliberately be respectful and not stare, but he never considers the possibility that others might be attracted to him--much less that men would be attracted to him, and certainly not that he would be a target of sexual violence due to this desire. I could get quotes/proof on this but honestly I think this is pretty uncontroversial.

The first point at which this becomes interesting to me in the context of sexual violence is when Luo Binghe returns from the abyss. here's how the choking scene goes:

“During the day, Shizun was so intimate and gentle with Gongyi Xiao, and this evening you lit a lantern, waiting for Liu-shishu until late into the night. What sincere affection. Why, then, are you so distant when it comes to this disciple?” [...] Under the streaming moonlight, Luo Binghe looked even more peerlessly beautiful, as if his silhouette had been carved from ice and jade. He pressed very close, and he spoke with slow deliberation. “After so many years of separation, we meet amidst golden wind and jade dew, yet Shizun incessantly calls someone else’s name. That truly saddens this disciple a little.”

Luo Binghe is jealous of Shen Qingqiu talking about other people, so he "pressed very close" and starts choking Shen Qingqiu out. This is not explicitly sexual--yet--but it has some overtones. And I don't think this is accidentally sexually charged-- bingqiu is in fact our primary ship, which we are supposed to be reading as sexually charged! It becomes more and more explicit that Luo Binghe is jealous of SQQ's relationships with others not just in general but also on a specifically romantic/sexual level! And later in the same scene we get this line:

Luo Binghe looked at him, then said pityingly, “Shizun, that would require someone to believe you.”

I'll be talking more later about what svsss has to say about sexual violence being allowed and supported by society but right now I just want to really emphatically gesture at the above quote.

And then in their next interaction, in the water prison, the system (we will be talking more about the system's role in all of this later) progresses the scene by causing LBH to physically tear SQQ's robes, and we get this section:

That doesn’t mean you should tear my clothes! Shen Qingqiu clutched the remaining fabric tightly and indignantly said, “What are you doing?! Is this your only method of humiliating others?” “It was clearly Shizun who humiliated me first!” 【 Satisfaction points +50. 】 You can add points for that too?! Gross! Why does this feel so sick?!

But notably--even though Shen Qingqiu notices feeling sick and gross and humiliated about having his clothes ripped off--Shen Qingqiu, even here, does not yet recognize any threat of sexual abuse! Gongyi Xiao sees him and instantly assumes that Shen Qingqiu's been raped by Luo Binghe--the torn clothes, the panicked desire to get out and away from Luo Binghe--but Shen Qingqiu has no idea that this is the assumption being made; Shen Qingqiu is, in his narration, still primarily afraid of more physical threats from LBH, a la PIDW; he's trying to figure out why LBH isn't as good at getting wives as in PIDW, and a couple chapters later he's worrying that LBH is asexual. He's been flagged by the narrative (diegetically, even!) as a target of sexual violence--but he hasn't realized this yet.

this doesn't change for a while; while I have things to say about LBH and LQG fighting over SQQ's corpse under this framework, they're not relevant to my current point. SQQ becomes aware of his role as a sexual object when LBH sexually assaults him in the dream world--it's a kiss, so it's something that SQQ is unable to dismiss as a more platonic form of violence:

Shen Qingqiu’s worldview repeatedly collapsed and re-formed, collapsed and re-formed, cycling infinitely at the speed of light.

Suddenly, Shen Qingqiu is being made very, very aware that he is a target of sexual desire, and that people who desire him can force sexual violence on him. He tries to kick and push at Luo Binghe to get out of the kiss--he's described as "struggling with all his might"--but Luo Binghe, who is stronger than Shen Qingqiu and able to overpower him “even though their builds were similar”, keeps him trapped in the kiss. Shortly afterwards, we get this section, which is perhaps the most important section in the whole book for my reading of Shen Qingqiu's arc, which is SQQ interacting with ZZL:

That touch trailed downward until it was at Shen Qingqiu’s chest and abdomen. For some reason, the places he touched felt a bit better. Shen Qingqiu sucked in a breath, and he couldn’t help but say, “Eh, my friend, where…are you touching?” Even a few hours ago, he genuinely wouldn’t have cared where others (especially those of the same sex) touched him. They could touch wherever they liked, please go ahead. But ever since Luo Binghe had opened a series of gates to a new world for him, Shen Qingqiu’s worldview, which had been set for the past twenty-plus years, had suffered a heavy blow. From now on, he needed to look at this world with a new gaze and more sensitive attitude. Especially on the issue of befriending those of the same sex!

for twenty-plus years, shen qingqiu hadn't thought of himself as someone who could be sexually desired by men; for twenty-plus years, shen qingqiu hadn't thought of himself as someone who sexual violence can happen to. and for shen qingqiu, these realizations are the same. suddenly, he's looking at the world differently: he worries about (and imo is afraid of) being touched places where he is normally clothed, even touch that feels good. and specifically--he is touched in a way that he would have previously assumed was nonsexual due to being same-sex and he is no longer comfortable assuming that. which ties heavily into my later post in the series about gender & homophobia & how this interacts with his experiences here! but we'll tie this post up for now.

[leafsbabe]

Matthew Tkachuk - just one of those days (SMUT)

cw: talks about bad body image, 2.2k words

Most of the time you didn’t care about your looks or your weight or what other people thought of your appearance. You felt good about yourself and that was the only thing that mattered.

But sometimes —randomly and out of the blue— insecurities would hit, crushing you under the weight of impossible beauty standards.

When those days hit you it was your first instinct to avoid Matthew. He was a wonderful boyfriend, caring and loving and never failing to let you know how much he loved you inside and out. But when you were in that messed up headspace every compliment felt insincere, like he wasn’t calling you beautiful because that’s what he thought, but rather because he felt like that’s what you wanted to hear. It made you feel selfish, like you were constantly asking to be called pretty.

When those days happened while Matthew was gone it almost felt like a blessing and a curse at the same time. You could spend an extra hour at the gym, go get treatments and spend a lot of money on issues that hadn’t existed two days ago. But Matthew not being there also meant you had nobody to talk you down when you started to spiral.

It was just your luck that Matthew would be coming home from a road trip in the late evening. You could just go to bed early, avoid Matthew a little while longer, and then hopefully wake up tomorrow morning in a better headspace. 

You got ready for bed without turning on the lights, not wanting to look at yourself while brushing your teeth or changing. It was a rough day; it didn’t need to be a rough night. Forgoing your usual sleepwear of a tanktop and shorts you put on an old shirt of Matthew’s —so well loved it had stretched and gotten insanely soft— and a pair of sweatpants you found somewhere in your drawers. They might have been Matthew’s as well, judging by the way they sat on your hips.

You curled up in your shared bed around sunset but no matter how you tossed and turned, sleep evaded you. Hours later you were still awake, laying in the large empty bed and staring at the wall. When Matthew came home sometime in the night you could hear him make his way through your apartment —letting his keys fall into the bowl at the entryway that Chantal had gifted you, the fridge door opening and closing, the water from the shower. He tried to be quiet and had you been asleep he wouldn't have woken you up but you weren’t and so you waited for Matthew to crawl into bed behind you.

It didn’t take him long to notice you were awake. Matthew got clingy when he was tired, cuddling up to you or spooning you with his strong arms wrapped around you, holding you against his chest. With you curled up on your side under the blankets it only made sense for him to slide in behind you and wrap himself around your body.

At first you still pretended to be asleep but Matthew wasn’t easily fooled. He pressed his lips to the back of your head for a moment before letting his own head fall down on your pillow alongside yours. His free hand found your waist under the blanket before moving up, shamelessly settling on one of your boobs as a sigh left your lips.

“Did you wait up or are you having trouble sleeping?” His voice was soft in the darkness of the room.

“Trouble sleeping.” You answered. “Just…  I had a few bad days.”

Those bad days weren’t a new thing and Matthew knew all about them. He hiked a leg over yours and pulled you even closer, clinging to you. “I love you.” He mumbled into your hair before pressing another kiss to the back of your head. “And you’re sexy as fuck. I know you don’t feel that way right now but I’ll love you enough for both of us until you feel better again.”

The last thing you wanted to do was be a burden so telling Matthew how you truly felt was not an option for you, but simply having him there, telling you that he loves you and finds you attractive sexy, helped.

Even if your brain acted up sometimes and made you think the worst, Matthew loved you anyway. He proved to you that those bad thoughts were wrong again and again.

“I missed you.” His hand left your chest briefly before finding its way under your shirt, skillfully avoiding touching anything that could cause you to shy away, and settling on your boob once more.

It wasn’t unusual for him to just hold one of your boobs or even both. A while ago he came up with the excuse that it was good for your heart or something, said that he read it somewhere. You knew it was total bull but you didn’t mind, enjoyed it even, so you let his explanation slide. Sometimes Matthew just lazily palmed them while you waited to fall asleep. Other times, like tonight, he would run his thumb over your nipple until it hardened and then played with it a little more.

You just let yourself relax back into his embrace and let him palm at your chest. As strange as it seemed, the soft repetitive motions put you at ease. Matthew meanwhile seemed to only get more excited, if his steadily hardening length against your butt was anything to go by. He didn’t try to hide his excitement, almost grinding it against your body to seek pleasure even. He knew that this was something you were comfortable with but you also knew that Matthew wouldn’t push past this point without you asking him to.

It took you longer to decide than usual. You always wanted Matthew, desperately, but could you get over your insecurities enough to allow yourself to be loved?

“Matthew?” You asked into the darkness, getting a hum in return. “I’ll keep my shirt on, okay?”

“Whatever you need.”

It took a second for you to detangle your limbs but once you managed to free yourself it was easy to roll over onto your front, hugging your pillow to your chest. Matthew was gentle as he peeled off your sweatpants. He couldn’t seem to help himself and gave your ass a spank as you tried to muffle a tired laugh in the pillow.

His body blanketed yours for a moment and you could feel the heat of him against your back as he spoke. “I’m gonna get a condom, okay? Don’t want to clean up any mess.”

As soon as you nodded you could feel Matthew move around on the bed behind you. He didn’t turn on any of the lamps though, rather choosing to fumble in the dark and bump a water bottle off his nightstand before finding what he was looking for. Finally he pulled open a drawer and took out a condom, the foil wrapper crinkling as he opened it, and soon enough Matthew was on you again, his warm weight pressing you into the mattress.

“What do you want, baby? My mouth? Fingers?” His voice already sounded so wrecked even though he hadn’t even properly touched you yet.

“Fingers please.” Matthew ate pussy like a man starved and you loved him for it but tonight it just wasn’t something you wanted from him.

He followed your request without asking, rough fingers finding your folds and running along the slit teasingly as soon as the words left your mouth. 

You hadn’t thought you’d be so desperate for him. Not so fast. Not during these days. But Matthew didn’t have to wait long at all before he could work the first finger into you.

“So wet for me already.” He chuckled and you couldn’t help but tighten around him at the words. “I barely even touched you.”

A moan left your lips and Matthew rewarded you with a second finger joining the one already in you. He was careful, more careful than you probably needed, but then he started toying with your clit while still fucking his long fingers inside you and the feeling became too much.

“Fuck me.” Was all that left your lips.

“Already?” Was his response. “I barely got to play with you.” The pout was audible in his voice but he complied with your request, carefully removing his fingers.

Matthew only has to change positions slightly and before you could even miss his fingers, his length started to fill you up. He didn’t make you wait, bottoming out and immediately pulling back. Every thrust pushed you further into the mattress while the pillow clutched to our chest muffled any moans. This was exactly what you needed. 

Matthew managed to hit that sweet spot in his next thrust and you stopped holding back, clenching around him, whining into the pillow, gripping the sheets hard enough for them to become untucked. There was something wild in the way he was taking you that one wouldn’t expect from it. The blanket you were under kept you warm but the feeling of Matthew’s body against your back was burning. Nothing but desire filled the darkness of your room as loud gasps left your lips, too similar to make out whether they were Matthew’s or yours.

It was so easy to get lost in the feeling of him, to let yourself be filled again and again and again. One of his hands tried to bully its way between your body and the bed, attempting to grab your chest again. The change of angle when you moved —not much but just enough— only made his thrusts hit so much better.

You allowed yourself to float in the feeling for a little until you felt yourself get closer and closer to your orgasm. What finally pushed you over the edge was Matthew reaching down to play with your clit instead of our chest. Rough fingers toyed with you once again as you fell apart below him, shaking.

It took a little for you to come back, too blissed out to recognize anything but your own pleasure. When you did Matthew laid heavy across your back and you realized he must have come as well. The only uncomfortable thing about the position you were in was his arm trapped between your body and the bed. He must have noticed your weird position because he gently pulled it out from beneath you. A kiss was pressed against your shoulder through the shirt after, a silent apology. Matthew stayed inside of you a little longer as the two of you started to come down together, his weight a warm constant against you. After a few more moments he gave you another kiss in the same spot and then pulled out, rolling over on his side to lay beside you again.

“Matthew?” It took all of your remaining energy to turn over and look at him even if the darkness prevented you from really seeing anything. You knew he was there, looking your way, and that was all that mattered. “Thank you.”

He just pulled you into his arms again, lips finding your face somewhere near your cheekbone. “Not for that. Never for that.”

When you woke up the next morning it was to an empty bed. Light was shining through the window and it didn’t take you long to figure out it hadn't been up for long. The apartment was completely silent, no sounds of Matthew able to be heard, but his side of the bed still retained some of its warmth so he couldn’t have been gone for long. You rolled over to grab your phone but the battery must have died during the night. Before you could plug it in to charge in order to text Matthew, the front door opened. You could hear him clattering around in the kitchen for a few minutes before the bedroom door opened, revealing your tousled looking boyfriend trying to carry a loaded tray through the door. 

“Morning.” He sat the tray onto the floor next to your side of the bed before disappearing again, leaving you alone with plates full of breakfast staples before coming back with a giant bouquet and an iced coffee in his hands. Matthew looked a little embarrassed as he sat them down, the coffee coming precariously close to the rim of the cup as he struggled to place the flowers on the floor next to the tray. “I didn’t know if we had any vases so I just bought the one they had the flowers in at the store.”

“What-”

He interrupted you before you could question him. Why breakfast? Why the flowers? What did I do to deserve your love?

“I got breakfast.” Matthew smiled, before climbing back into bed on your side, bony knees bumping against your legs as he climbed over your body. “We’ll eat and then we’ll spend the day in bed, yes?”

You picked up your coffee and snuggled back into your blankets. It would be a good day.

[leidensygdom]

Idk if it's intentional on your part but while your art shows a lot of talent and thought, it isn't really... Pretty. None of your characters make me want to look at them more than once. It's something in the face, I think, but might be the whole body and way they carry themselves. If that's your vibe, then don't stop on my account!

I... Uh, I really don't know how to feel about this! It's a bit of an odd ask!

I do try to make a conscious effort to try to have a bit of variety with my characters- Bigger noses, jaws, I've been trying to push towards more realistic body types lately too. I feel like a lot of that is really underrepresented in artist circles. Everyone's androgynous hot elf of the day ends up blurring up a bit for me, specially because I'm quite faceblind.

I don't know, I grew up seeing stuff like League of Legends all around, with all the same-faced, same-bodied flawless women and I kinda felt really bored! I feel like there's a lot of beauty and fun to be had trying to depict people, and it feels not very realistic to stick only to the most perfect beauty-standard characters. I also just like meat I guess, the way a tummy hangs, necks that don't feel all too chiselled, all that stuff.

Then again, I'm a sex-repulsed ace so I don't really understand physical attraction all that much. I wonder if that does affect how I draw in some way. I just enjoy going outside and seeing an unusual nose bridge, and then trying to capture it when making a new character. Some artists have the goal to make the prettiest art in every sense, and try to depict only the prettiest of people, but... eh. I don't think that's my goal! And I'm having fun with that!

[tordenvejr]

I saw a popular thread on Twitter discussing cheating and monogamy and saw "There's no better pussy than new pussy" said many times. Or this banger: "Behind every beautiful woman is a man tired of sleeping with her."

It would be very discouraging for me to hear even if I had experience, but as a 25 year-old late bloomer who hasn't dated yet, it's even more discouraging. This is what's waiting out there for me? 

So, yeah. How do I avoid guys who think like this?

if someone is of the impression that "new pussy is the best pussy" they are manipulative, predatory, and emotionally immature.

keep an eye out for indicators of this:

manipulation: do they pressure you in any way in terms of anything, do they act differently with you than others.

predatory behavior: do they respect or push your boundaries, do they touch you without permission, do they make jokes that make you uncomfortable, do they say things that don't really sit right with you, do they speak crudely about women's bodies, what kind of age range are they attracted to.

emotional immaturity: how long has their relationships been, how old have their partners been, how did they end, how do they talk about friend's they've fallen out with, how do they respond to your difficult emotions, how do they respond to disagreement and to critique, how do they act when angry, jealous, etc.

if someone is of the impression that "not even a beautiful woman can keep a man interested" it is because they have no depth as human beings and the minute novelty wears off they scatter for the next shiny thing to fill them up. it is because they have little to no integrity or compassion. and it is because they themselves have nothing to offer past the glamour of who they could be when you don't yet know how they act and who they are.

lack of depth: early pain-oversharing; anyone can overshare, it does not mean they are emotionally open, complex or mature - it means they have no boundaries which means that they have no idea how to navigate other people's boundaries, which means they do not know how to respect you, what topics do they bring up, ie. is it just women/sex or is there anything else,

no integrity: do they share other sexual experiences, verbage about exes, verbage about women who have a lot of sex, verbage around women who don't.

lack of compassion: does their compassion extend to women, do they brush off or laugh at women's misfortune or pain, how do they talk about animals or children, do they brush off comments as a joke rather than apologize.

glamour: what's other people's experience with them, especially women, and what do other men say about their romantic relationships,

the most unpleasant people gravitate towards discussions and forums like that because it helps them justify their behavior and preferences to themselves when they see other men share in them.

there certainly are wonderful men out there, but please have very, very high standards for emotional integrity/maturity/availability, respect and sincerity. and then raise them more.

[thedupshadove]

Now, I know that ideas you get in dreams often end up no longer making sense after you wake up, but the other night I had one that left behind just enough coherent material that I think you could really turn it into something (if I thought I had the skills to write a novel in the first place)

There were these two modern-day young women who were either best friends or sisters--I don't remember. And they're visiting some English historical site when they get warped into the past, Highlander-style... only they don't go to the same point in time. One of them goes to the late 1910s, while the other one goes to the stone age.

From there it turns into two parallel Time Travel Romance plotlines. 1910s girl falls in with a local noble dealing with PTSD from having been--I think a pilot?--at any rate definitely in the War. And it's a lot of the usual stuff where she's Helping Him Through Trauma and he's Showing Her How A Lady Should Be Treated and such. Except to make it more interesting, it sometimes goes to his perspective, and shows that his wooing efforts are being egged on, micromanaged, nit-picked, and generally peanut galleried by the ghosts of the countless generations of ancestors who are hanging around his estate, whom he can see and talk to because apparently that's something his family can just do?

Meanwhile Stone Age Girl's plotline was all about, first of all, learning to survive competently in the Stone Age, and second of all, learning how to pursue and enjoy romance when you've been completely cut off from all your means of "making yourself beautiful" by the standards you've internalized (Honestly, attracting a man isn't the hard part of that, because the man you're trying to attract is used to women who look like you look now. The hard part is getting to the point where you can "feel sexy" while living in Stone Age conditions, when you remember makeup and scented baths and removing all your body hair)

However, through it all, there's a connecting throughline where each woman is torn between her growing love for her new home and partner vs her desire to see her sister and/or best friend again. The semi-happy ending to that arc was that the stone age man that the girl who got sent back that far coupled up with turned out to be the first ancestor of the family that 1910s girl's love interest is from, and by marrying him, she acquires the family ability to speak to the ancestors, so they can finally talk to each other again.

(Also in the dream I was convinced that this concept was loosely based on a fairy tale, but I think that's just because I read a lot of Mercedes Lackey, and she loves doing Fantasy Romance Novels that are loosely based on fairy tales. Now being awake I can't think what fairy tale it would be supposedly based on.)

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hey Cas, I’m looking for some advice (if you’re okay to give it, feel free not to)

So for reference, I’m an afab teen but lately I swear I’ve been questioning literally everything.

I know this is normal etc. but I really would just like to figure something out for once instead of questioning for years. I’m somehow questioning my gender and sexuality and I just want to stop stressing about it

My dilemma is mostly about my sexuality. Because I could totally see myself with a girl, I don’t think I would have any qualms about that. I mean, sure, I’d be confused but still. And I think I could like a boy? But I can only ever envision myself with a boy as a boy as well? I think I could also see myself as a boy with a girl. But I don’t know if the reason is because I really hate the representation of straight relationships in media etc where the guy has so much more power and influence etc. over the girl and all that (I’ve also had a couple of bad experiences with boys (mostly in primary and middle school, thankfully) not taking no for an answer when the asked me out and keep pursuing for literal years), so I don’t know if that’s influencing my perception.

There’s also a trans boy at my school, who just looks so… cool? And happy, free? And idk, I was just kind of envious of him for a minute before I sort of caught myself and now I’m so confused. I’ve always hated the way I look, but I always thought that would be more to do with not conforming to beauty standards, but thinking back it might’ve been gender dysphoria (to this day, I genuinely will cry when I have to try clothes on for too long and it often just feels… wrong? But I also hate the feeling of clothes so ???).

I’ve thought that maybe I’m non-binary, but there’s not much point in trying to identify with that as while my parents would definitely support me, I don’t think they really get the whole ‘gender is a spectrum’ thing or much else, and behind my back might be a bit like ‘they’re pushing the gay agenda on you’. And idk, maybe it is cos I can’t seem to see myself as… not gay???

I’m sorry for the sort of rant and if this doesn’t make coherent sense. I think I sort of needed to write things out. But if you have any advice it would be much appreciated. I’m sure you have so many people telling you this but scrolling through your advice is genuinely so helpful (and your microfics are awesome too!)

I also saw you were naming your anons, and I might come back with another question, so you can call me dictionary anon if you want, as my favourite thing to read is the dictionary.

Hi! <3 it sounds like you have a LOT going on in your brain right now, so let's try to piece some of it out, okay? I'm gonna give you some sexualities, genders, stuff like that, and I want you to think about how they feel for you.

So for sexualities, I think you should look at both bisexual and pansexual. Bisexual means that you are attracted to two or more genders, but gender is a factor. Pansexual means that you are attracted to people regardless of gender. You focus more on personality (and, of course, looks, to a certain extent).

For genders, think about bigender, genderfluid, demigender, and genderqueer. Bigender means you identify with two or more genders; genderfluid means your gender fluctuates depending on the day or certain situations, demigender means you have a loose connection to one gender, and genderqueer is a vaguer term meaning you just...don't have a traditional relationship with gender. When you say there's not much point in trying to figure out your gender, I don't necessarily think that's true.

Obviously, it's your decision and I respect it, but I think there's a lot of help in knowing more about who you are, even if you aren't in a space to share it. Whether or not you have a label (you absolutely don't need one), maybe deciding on things you like/dislike when you come to gender? Because you shouldn't...force yourself to think of yourself a certain way just to appease others.

I think it could be helpful for you to kind of...look at these terms and decide if they fit for you. But ALSO, it's okay if you don't know right now. It's okay to just say, "I feel like a girl right now." or "I like THAT boy." That's completely valid.

The last thing I'd encourage you to think about is something called 'gender envy,' which it sounds like you might be feeling for the trans boy at school. Gender envy is where you see someone and they're just so...gender. Like either their expression or their identity or just their confidence in their gender makes you want that. Conan Gray gives me BIG gender envy. So if you are feeling gender envy, ask yourself why? Is it because you want to also be more masculine? Is it because you want to be confident in your identity like he is? Either way, gender envy can help you understand your own gender.

If you need help talking through any of this, I'm always here- I know it can be a lot. Remember that the most important part is that you (safely) figure out who you are. Even if you can't label it, exploring your identity is awesome, and I'm proud of you for doing that!

<3 <3 <3

[minsarasarahair]

Novel Lou Zhu's appearance (You Yao)

Character profile: 180 cm, his current body in main story is 27 years old, disheveled long black hair, has drifting eyes and curling lips, has mix of sinister and hedonist expression, not too thin nor too fat (Average healthy Chinese man in China's standards?), has lazy demeanor, dress with expensive clothing

First appearance (Medicine arc)  ↓ Rich and Smartlooking ass lol

Lou Zhu's surname is Lou and his first name is Zhu. Lou Zhu usually dressed like a rich and idle person, with a face of scholar, but he has drifting eyes and has curling lips, and his whole body exudes a spirit of never sitting down if he can lie down. The people in the capital all knew that this body was originally owned by a low-ranking civil official who later died and came back to life, and changed his name to Lou Zhu. In short, he was a transmigrator who interview fellow transmigrators for the emperor.

Lou Zhu's past life ↓ His original body is more beautiful than his current body? At his late 30s?

Zuo Yunqi said: "You must have been very beautiful in the past." Lou Zhu t said: "Just average. I've only been stopped by talent scouts about 30 times whenever I was walking on the street." Zuo Yunqi said: "Damn you."

Zuo Yunqi's perspective ↓ Just a lonely guy who Zuo Yunqi wish to protect awww~ He might look like a villain to others but for ZYQ he's his "Little meow meow" lol

Zuo Yunqi listened to Lou Zhu's rambling endlessly, and his eyes unconsciously moved from the unique items to Lou Zhu's face. The whole secret room was piled with weird items that were not tolerated by this era and useless in this world. It was covered with rust and dust, and exuded the smell of death. Even the figure standing in it seemed to be immersed in a thick and suffocating loneliness. Zuo Yunqi didn't know if this feeling is called homesickness.

Impostor arc  ↓ The text really said he has average good looks but his lazy gestures made him more attractive lol

Lou Zhu has basis qualifications for seduction: He is good-looking. Jing Huanzhi left him with a decent face, a pale scholar's appearance, but his lazy bones gives off a strange charisma. He is not only handsome, but also rich, very rich. Lou Zhu's extraordinary IQ is all used to have comfortable life. He used to serve the emperor, and later he went to Lin Kai of Wulin Alliance, no one can stop him from making a lot of money. Such a person never tried to pursue a girl.

After 5 years ↓ He's an immortal lol jk That's actually impressive without cultivation. I think he's just good at taking care of himself and he has the money for it so yes, of course he will look youthful at his 30s just like a celebrity. Only Zuo Yunqi has drastic change.

In these past 5 years, the old age was not shown to Lou Zhu's appearance. Although he had drastically cleared the remnants of the Tuo Huang and escaped several brutal assassinations during this period, he also helped Lin Kai consolidate his regime, emptied the national treasury into a small gold mountain of initial scale, and put it in his own warehouse. He had experienced a lot of things, but overall, he lived a good life. Lou Zhu's head doesn't have any single white hair, and his body that always sit and never walk, had not become plump. In a trance, it seemed that nothing had changed except his robes, which had become more expensive.

Reverse Isekai AU (Modern setting) ↓ Hobo Lou Zhu lol Deserve! He later shaved and has decent look. This is Danmei so of course he's still good looking. He's no longer rich but he's planning to exploit Xie Liang's talents...

Lou Zhu was looking at the billboard and was thinking about it, when a strange smell suddenly hit his nose. He lowered his head and sniffed, then stretched out his hand to touch up and down, his pupils trembling. Even though there was no mirror, he could still feel himself. Lou Zhu had a tangled beard and hair, and the clothes on his body had probably not been washed for eight years, giving off a weird smell. It seemed he transmigrated into a homeless man’s body. Lou Zhu looked at the speeding traffic on the road in front of him and began to seriously consider whether to run into it. But he never took a step forward.

[niamflopped]

The Sunday Times

How Harry Styles reinvented the playboy

No mud-slinging exes or disgruntled girlfriends here — the heartthrob singer is championing respectful relationships

Sarah Ditum

Sunday April 02 2023

Like every former boybander in search of a solo career, Harry Styles had to create a new identity when One Direction split in 2016. But he didn’t just reinvent himself for the post-1D era. Styles, 29, has also been credited with reinventing manhood for a modern-day audience.

“Harry Styles is rewriting the rules of masculinity on his terms,” raved the women’s magazine Grazia in 2021. The New York Times heralded Styles last year for his “liberated” take on gender. That liberated take, though, hasn’t precluded him from reportedly having lots (and lots) of girlfriends.

According to reports this week, the model and actress Emily Ratajkowski is the latest in a string of famous and gorgeous women with whom Styles has been linked. There was the��late Caroline Flack, who was presenting The Xtra Factor, the sister show of The X Factor, when Styles was a contestant in 2010 (she was 32 and he was 17). After that he went out with the comedian Emily Atack for a short time.

Styles’ last public relationship was with the actress and director Olivia Wilde, who he met when he worked on the film Don’t Worry Darling.

He also dated Kendall Jenner. His relationship with Taylor Swift was brief, but creatively fertile: her album 1989 is rumoured to be shaped by their romance. There was a scattering of Victoria’s Secret models in between. Most recently, he was involved with the director Olivia Wilde (who cast him in the film Don’t Worry Darling) in the middle of a messy break-up with the father of her two children, the actor Jason Sudeikis.

There’s something quite retro about Styles’s romantic history, matching the dreamy Seventies influence in his music. His capacity for hooking up with the most impressive beauties of his era recalls the great shaggers of the 20th century — men like Mick Jagger, Warren Beatty and David Bowie, all of whom seemed to have had a cheerful kid-in-a-candy store attitude to sexual possibilities afforded by celebrity.

But serial dating can look tawdry rather than glamorous in the 21st century. Think of the general shudder greeting the actor Leonardo DiCaprio’s endless procession of young girlfriends, none of whom seem to last beyond their 25th birthday.

So how does Styles do it? He has always rejected the playboy label, and his version of maturity is different from the laddish one espoused by previous teen idols turned adult stars. See Robbie Williams, obliterating his Take That pinup status in 1995 by partying with Oasis at Glastonbury. Or Justin Timberlake, making vulgar comments about his ex Britney Spears in 2002 to kill off his nice-guy ’N Sync image.

Styles is known for his flamboyant looks and defying masculine conventions.

No such boorishness for Styles. He is, instead, the gold standard of modern sensitivity. He wore a dress on the cover of Vogue, and a sheer blouse and pearl earring to the Met Gala in New York. In the film My Policeman, he played one half of a tender gay romance, and he’s lent his support to causes including Black Lives Matter and LGBT rights. At one concert, he supported a fan in coming out to her mother, leading the whole audience in a chant of: “Tina, she’s gay.”

This image has helped to make him staggeringly successful: his 2022 album Harry’s House broke streaming records, won best album at the Brits and the Grammys and spawned a 15-night residency at New York’s Madison Square Garden. Coupled with his delicate handsomeness, this may explain the queue of girlfriends.

Like his ex Swift, Styles has pointed out that he doesn’t actually date more than the average person his age — he just attracts more attention when he does. In the case of Ratajkowski, one photograph of the two kissing in the street in Tokyo has been worldwide news for days.

Styles also dated Kendall Jenner. He likes to remain on good terms with his exes.

In response, Styles maintains the gentlemanly habit of rarely discussing his love life. It’s not far off the old music industry wisdom that heartthrobs should avoid relationships to keep themselves notionally available to their fans. But it also protects him. Having been famous since he was 16, Styles has had to learn to draw a line between his public and private selves to survive. And it protects the woman he’s with from jealous fans, who perceive any girlfriend as a rival to be attacked. A corner of his fandom can be “crazy” and “mean”, he has said.

Styles’s respect for his partners is in line with contemporary manners. Timberlake initially gained credibility for trashing Spears but by 2021, at the peak of #FreeBritney outrage, upset fans pushed him into a grovelling apology nearly 20 years on. Chivalry is back in fashion.

Styles also gets points for his apparent fearlessness around women who are impressive on their own terms. While the age gap with Flack raised eyebrows at the time, he’s subsequently been linked to multiple older, accomplished women.

Unlike a lot of famous men, he seems happy to be with an equal — or even, in the case of Swift, her muse. He also keeps things amicable post-break-up and has made friendly appearances with Swift and Jenner.

Beatty is also known for keeping his exes close. “What happens is fame gives you access, so you’re lucky enough to be exposed to these very admirable women,” the actor said in 2016. “Not just physically beautiful, but great people and talented and intelligent people.”

Harry Styles hasn’t reinvented masculinity but maybe he’s rediscovered the trick that separates a great lover from a playboy: he actually seems to like women, as well as wanting to sleep with them.

[sttoru]

Hi. ✌️ I'm writing this as I'm feeling very low, so I'm sorry if it doesn't really make sense, but I've been struggling with my body image lately. 😓😓

Tw: body image struggles, sadness, negativity, bullying, mentions of being underweight.

For some unknown reason, I've been feeling very unsatisfied with the way I look. I've been struggling to accept my face and body. I used to feel like this when I was like, twelve or something, and then it got better, but, sometimes, like now, I get hit by so many insecurities... 🥲

The beauty standard, for women, where I live is to be curvy (because people love having something to grab).

And I never cared about that until I started going to school and my classmates would talk behind my back about how I was way too thin, way too flat, way too boney, too underweight. About how nobody would ever want me. Saying that my skin was too ugly (because I have freckles and I'm always covered in bruises, my skin is very thin, so it's easy to be marked), that nobody would like to hold me because it would be like hugging a pile of hard uncomfortable bones and then they'd point out "imperfections" that I never even noticed - my stretch marks around my thighs, my asymmetrical nose, my uneven knees, my dimples, my big front teeth, etc.

Having your body trashed by others is so hurtful, even when it isn't directed to me. 😣 Why are these people judging other people on the way they look? In such a superficial way? They didn't choose to be born this way. They are just. There. Trying to live their lives naturally. Why does it bother people so much the way you look? And then they make you hate yourself too, because no one likes having their "flaws" and insecurities called out and made fun of. And the worst part of it: if someone else has the same "flaws" as you, you won't think it looks that bad on them. 😐

Growing up was hard, and I grew to, not love, but accept myself as me. Still, those words linger in the back of my mind. Those are the things I keep on thinking about before falling asleep, while shopping for clothes, while eating, while staring at the mirror. I hate that their words are affecting me until now. I hate feeling so miserable about how I look. Do you have any advice on how to love yourself? On how to heal better from years of receiving hate?

I hope you have a great day and I hope I'm not bothering you. 😅

hellloo! sorry for the late response, i was quite busy :< i’m also very sorry to hear that you feel like that and i surely hope that what i’m going to say helps you somehow. in any kind of way, hopefully.

if your struggles get unbearable, please contact nearby (mental) health care services or friends. remember that there’s always someone out there who care for you for who you are <

first of all, no one deserves to go through such a thing. it’s horrible — that people call others out on things they can barely have any influence on, like how someone looks. never ever should anybody comment on another ones’ looks. shouldn’t ever be considered okay.

unfortunately, nowadays it’s like its normal. i see it every day, people and especially women getting trashed by thousands of unwanted comments from both men and women about their body. being too fat, being too skinny, being too dark skinned, having stretch marks : it’s literally impossible to be a woman, like america ferrera said in the barbie movie (saying the latter assuming you are a woman or identify as one). people will always feel like criticising someone else’s body or face, no matter what you change or try.

there’s lots of reasons for that; some just like to project, others tend to focus too much on the beauty standards that are institutionalised into their brains due to all kinds of social media platforms. you also have some people who love to hate because they want to feel better about themselves; aka insecurities. if they see someone who they think is less attractive than them, they tend to instantly downgrade them to make themselves feel better. it sucks — really does. but that says a lot about them as a person (trash LOL).

so those people who said all of those horrible things to you when you were young, probably did it due to one of the reasons stated above. and let me tell you, all reasons stated above do NOT justify their harsh words. it’s childish and immature to say all those words to you — they’re immature and need therapy themselves to grow out of that mindset of needing to bring other people down.

thus i can promise you that the right (mature) people do NOT care about how you look. the healthy & healed people who learnt that harsh words can easily influence another’s mind for years on end, do not ever trash you for your looks or insecurities. EVER. nor do people who actually realise just how harmful beauty standards are to the average human.

it’s unfortunate that those weren’t the people who were around you during your childhood and i’m sorry for that.

i’m sure you’re just fine. i hope you meet people who love you for who you are, people who love you inside and out no matter what or how you look. there are people out there that i’m sure you’ll meet one day whom will help you heal those open wounds from your past.

but, you can’t just sit around and wait on those people to come heal you. at the end of the day, it’s your body, your life, your thoughts. it’s tough to heal alone — but that’s a good start. slowly starting to learn to love yourself again will bring you all the peace you need.

it’s not a quick journey, believe me. it’s gonna be tough, you are going to slip and fall, but remember that your future is in your hands. not in the validation or words of others: your future is yours and so is your life.

my advice on how to love yourself after all those draining years is to spend more time with yourself. i know it sounds harsh, but getting to know your mind and self can put yourself at complete ease. what can you do to improve your understanding of yourself?

- keep a journal. don’t have to write in it every day, but each time you want to vent — write in it. if you feel too lazy to write, let off your steam in your notes app. or too lazy to type? talk out loud to yourself or voice record it.

- reflect on your journal. think about your feelings — ask why? questions. search for the possible problems behind your feelings. dissect those problems and search for possible solutions.

example: you feel sad again, because of your remembrance of what others had said to you in the past -> accept the situation; understand why you feel the way you feel -> think of those people and realise and accept that they’re in the past and you’re living in the future (as impossible and harsh as that sounds)

your future is in your hands — your future is something that you can CHANGE. the past is unchanging, you can’t undo what they said. you can’t undo the experiences. once again, as harsh as that sounds. accepting and moving on is a life long process which starts with teaching yourself exactly that.

a fresh new start = a fresh new chapter in your life. in your future. your present.

- learn to live in the present. againnnn, sounds impossible, but it takes time to accept this. you cannot undo what has happened nor can you undo that it has influenced you. that’s why people HEAL: you heal from your wounds, you don’t undo them. why? because you can’t undo them. you get hurt and accept the pain and the fact you got hurt. then you can start the process of healing, which you can only do if you move forward.

try your best to not hang in the past and focus on the present and future which lays in your hands.

- whenever you think back to whom or what hurt you, consider the value of it for your personal growth. is it negative? think about it if needed, accept it, nod, shrug and ultimately leave it behind because it will not help you personally in the future; you have no need for that stuff that will only get in the way of your journey to love yourself.

think about it for as long as you need, but make sure the thoughts get left behind. if you do not accept and do not stop thinking about those negative things, they will stick for the rest of your life and only make it more unbearable. (i call it the TAM method: ‘think, accept, move on’)

i know it sounds impossible, but trust me, it works once you get used to it.

of course, it doesn’t always work. and it is not bad to sometimes be unable to, it’s a looooong progress and journey, but as long as you keep doing what i said above — it will eventually come to you naturally. (i hope.)

- self care days! or mental health days, they call it. take some days for yourself, where you do your favorite things and just try to relax the best you can. example; take a walk with some music on, draw, watch your comfort series etc. etc. to get your mood up!! do this weekly. i do it on fridays after school/work because that’s when i feel best. but its always up to you to choose when to do them (can just be whnever you need a break from life).

lastly, i recommend (if you are able to afford it) to see a therapist or psychologist. they can give you the necessary tools and advice to help with your problems properly. it can also help if you talk it out with someone.

i’m always here to listen more to you. always here to help. my dms are also open and i will try to respond asap. remember that beauty standards do not define you for who you are: everyone’s unique, special and beautiful in their own way.

i myself may not love myself or accept myself fully yet, but the more i realise why other people say or do hurtful things, the more i accept that life is always going to be that way. there are always going to be people who criticise you no matter what. it’s a harsh world we live in — a harsh industry with lots of people whom haven’t healed or have gotten out of their institutionalised toxic mindsets. mind you; some never do.

that’s why associating yourself with such individuals will only bring you down. learn to disassociate yourself from them and that includes anything they’ve said to you — leave them to rot away in their own unbearable and toxic thoughts. live your life. it’s yours and no one can change or lead it for you. not their words nor their actions can change your present and future; only if you choose to allow them to.

focusing on yourself and wanting to love yourself and grow as a person gives you autonomy and authority about your own life. take that path and remember that it takes time to heal & accept yourself <3

LOVE YOU!

[away-ward]

Was martin scott ever described as attractive? Or even handsome? Because i think that can also add some criterias of: 1. Emmy's level of beauty, 2. why martin can get away with many low-levelled and some even serious crimes, for years, because not only was he might already got a backing from his higher ups, but he was also really good at being a manipulative piece of shit, BUT his looks might help him too, as in he might also be an outwardky attractive man. This came to my mind because i remembered about kai's lolita discussion about how a lot of conventionally attractive people can get away with a lot of things that non-conventionally attractive people can't, i feel like martin can fit this description too.

Another thing is if Emory's look was really ugly, or even slightly undesirable, in a town where superficial beauty is VERY VERY VERY important, she would've definitely been bullied for her looks, and it's not just because: 1. Her brother was a cop, 2. She was A smart nerd who can't seem to have any social skills or get along with her peers, 3. Will grayson called dibs on her, so that puts more attention on her than necessary, be it by girls who were jealous of her, or other boys who just wanted to bully others because of her association with will (stupid high school things).

I also feel like if em's not conventionally pretty, we would've heard damon calling her ugly at least once, and no, it's not to assure will that he didn't want anything to do with her, like he did in that locker room. Granted his type is blonde, pale skin with blue eyes, so idk, maybe this is not really a credible answer. I just said that because damon just like to insult others for the things he thought they were lacking, and i don't think he wouldn't go beneath himself to say things like this about emmy, especially before the cemetery scene.

We also saw emmy in kai's pov but it's without any mention of her beauty, just her dress and hair, but i don't think it's that surprising to me that he didn't talk about her features because she wasn't facing him, and also because they were classmates, and not gonna lie, i wouldn't have given a second thought about my classmates' looks either, EVEN IF they were the most beautiful people on earth. I guess the school air really changes the way i look at them, like i can admit that they're good looking, but their beauty wil unfairly lost their flair in my eyes as compated to when i meet someone conventionally attractive that's not my friends. Maybe just me.

I have a headcanon that emmy age like a fine wine, and really look the most gorgeous in her late 20s and later on her beauty just increased in her 30s and 40s, because of how amazing the "happily healed-confident-mature-career-mother" women look would look on her. I think she would have this type of sophisticated and calm elegant femininity, that would enhance her beauty even more. I think for this story, emmy is most likely conventionally beautiful, just like the rest of the FMCs, because of my reasons above, but like you said, a different kind of beauty, so her features might just not be the stereotypically beautiful according to the Western standards, might even have some mix feature?

All in all, i honestly don't care if emory's conventionally beautiful or not nor have i ever really imagined the faces of any characters i've read before. Idk, i'm really bad at imagining the face of a character, especially if they follow a certain "standard" or not. I just drgaf about this particularly when i read or even irl, as long as i get their general vibes or aesthetics, i'm all good.

What about others though? What do yall think? What do away-ward (what do we call you btw?) think? (Btw, i'm a different anon).

I don’t think Martin was ever described as attractive, but then it would have been kinda of weird if he had? Our main POVs were his sister and Will. Other than that, the horsemen would have thought of him the most, and they probably wouldn’t think of him that way.

But I see no reason why he couldn’t be. You’re right that it would add to the reasons people trusted him. I think the reason he got away with so much is that he fell in with Evans early on in his career and Evans protected him. As Winter said, “Money does the talking in Thunder Bay.” And we know that Martin killed Rika’s father when she was 13, so it’s not a leap that he started working for Evans a few years prior to that. However, we also know that he married a rich woman. It’s totally plausible that he’s not hideous to look at.

That being said, he’s one of the few characters my brain automatically provided a face for with no rhyme or reason. Fred Savage.

So not the most attractive person alive. Still, there's something about him that says "you can trust me" and yet... I don't feel like I can. But it's only this specific episode of boy meets world.

Martin gives off similar vibes, except way worse. I couldn’t get Fred/Stuart’s face out of my head when reading about Martin. In other parts of the episode, he does get caught, which was good, but his whole way of defending himself was so sleazy. Like how Martin would come off calm or kind, like he wasn't about to abuse Emmy.

I don't know why my brain provided his face, but it did.

Another thing is if Emory's look was really ugly, or even slightly undesirable, in a town where superficial beauty is VERY VERY VERY important, she would've definitely been bullied for her looks, and it's not just because:

True. They probably would have gone after anything. So I don’t think Emory was ugly, but I also don’t think people took much notice of her looks. It always makes me think of the Dorothy Parker poem “News Item” (sorry, still on a Dorothy Parker kick, so it’s readily in my head). It seems like it applied here.

“Boys seldom make passes At girls who wear glasses”

For those not familiar with her, she was a poet and wit from the 1920s, known for her satirical humor. This poem doesn’t mean that girls who wear glasses are unappealing, just that boys tend to go for the more outgoing girls and overlook those with a more studious personality. Anyway, I’ll move on.

we would've heard damon calling her ugly at least once, and no, it's not to assure will that he didn't want anything to do with her, like he did in that locker room.

Damon certainly didn’t have a problem speaking his mind or insulting girls. He said Arion had the brain power of a Pringle, so you’ve made a great point. I’ll also bring up that in the first shower scene, after Em rejected him, he said something along the lines of “too bad” and it “wouldn’t have been a chore,” implying that he would have enjoyed it not only because he’s getting what he wants, but because she’s attractive. This is probably the first time someone has really seen her body without the baggy uniform or overalls. She even wore a swim shirt with long sleeves. I felt he was suddenly aware of just how attractive she was.

like i can admit that they're good looking, but their beauty wil unfairly lost their flair in my eyes as compated to when i meet someone conventionally attractive that's not my friends. Maybe just me.

Oh, really??? That's interesting. I feel that I’m the opposite. People become more beautiful the more I get to know them. And yeah, I can say that I find strangers attractive, but it would only grow from there if we were to become friends. Sometimes, when talking to my friends, I’ll just sit and wonder at how beautiful they are. All their little quarks add to it, too. There was a doctor who quote that really nailed the feeling for me, but I don’t want to bring in too many other things. I think this post already has enough external stuff.

headcanon that emmy age like a fine wine, and really look the most gorgeous in her late 20s and later on her beauty just increased in her 30s and 40s because of how amazing the "happily healed-confident-mature-career-mother" women look would look on her

This is excellent and I love it.

emmy is most likely conventionally beautiful, just like the rest of the FMCs, because of my reasons above, but like you said, a different kind of beauty, so her features might just not be the stereotypically beautiful according to the Western standards, might even have some mix feature?

Yeah, and I mean, that’s the assumption, right? None of us pick up a book and think “this character is probably mediocre and ordinary”. Or at least I haven't. They may not be the most attractive person in their universe, but I’ve always imagined characters as pretty or whatever.

I do wonder how mixed Emmy is. We know she has some Jewish heritage on her material side, but what about her father? Sometimes I hate when authors are vague about stuff like that because it does leave you hanging. The name “Scott” doesn’t really indicate anything. She’s got naturally tan skin, but again, that doesn’t answer the question. I mean, I probably wouldn’t do anything with the information if it were available, but it’s nice to know all the same.

I just drgaf about this particularly when i read or even irl, as long as i get their general vibes or aesthetics, i'm all good.

Haha, yeah. Like I said in the post about faces, it’s one or the other for me, but I never force it. And it doesn't matter how descriptive the author is, I'll never be able to piece their face together. I much prefer if there's general description (hair/skin/eye color), plus one or two features (scar/crooked teeth/crooked nose). I'll handle the rest myself, thanks.

I never sit and think “what does this character look like” unless I’m trying to show people what vague sense I get of them in my head. Other times, I get a face and nothing the narrative says changes that. Character as blonde hair? Oops, too bad. My brain gave them brown. We’re just gonna roll with it.

What do away-ward (what do we call you btw?)

Huh. I guess I should have introduced myself at some point. When I made this blog, it was with the sole intention of posting ‘hell yeah’ and then leaving, but then I realized people probably wouldn’t see it because I didn’t look like a real blog, so I just went from there. But all that means is I never gave consideration to what the name of the blog meant. Away-ward was literally like… “I’m leaving after this”. I’ve wanted to change it, but I also don’t like changing things that people readily recognize, so it’s stuck around.

Anyway, you can call me KO. It’s a variation of the pen name I’ve been using since I started writing. Nice to meet you.

[tomsandpie]

Diary entry #3: thinking way too hard rn

He hello, I’m being a serial thinker. It is 2 am and I have to get ready for work at 4:45. But my body wanted to be up so I’m up. And boy am I fucking thinking right now.

I promise I didn’t not start this diary to only talk about a boy but I’m a lover girl who is slightly delulu so a crush encompasses every aspect of my life/ thoughts 🤭 oops.

But yes, boi is leaving me on read for so long :( and stopped messaging me every morning. And guys I have rationalized already why I’m like this lol. Let’s do a deep dive.

I saw a TikTok a long ways back about scarcity mindset and “late bloomers”. The unresolved feelings of girlies who have never been desired in their lives.

I was always fat or unattractive to ppl so I never had a bf, boys were never attracted to me, was asked out as a joke. All the things of course. Was always a girl that other girls thought was pretty but not desirable to the male gaze until I lost a bunch of weight in 2018. But also couple that with going to a PWI. Black men didn’t like me growing up so u know white men definitely didn’t (only speaking in man because was repressing feelings 4 women). But finally ppl started liking me at 21/22. Was feeling good and confident, and putting my worth in ppl who thought I was pretty because it was constant affirmations that I was desirable and wanted and that’s all I’ve ever dreamed of since I was a kid.

My brain always put this scarcity mindset Idea and anxious attachment together. A lot of ppl like to blame anxious attachment on parental styles but I’m 90% sure there are us girlies who have that style due to the constant want/need of validation. We finally have someone who likes us? We HAVE to hold on because what if it never happens again? What if this is a one time off thing? No one else may be attracted to me. It’s unfortunate to think that way but it’s real out here 😭 so that’s what’s wrong with me.

All to say, this impacts even communications with potential partners. Having to confront them about things that stress u out is particularly hard because it feels like you’re on constant thin ice/will be rejected at any moment. All u want to do is be accommodating and understanding and as u can imagine this can be super problematic in relationships. Like “oh, I have a super super big issue in our relationship but I will put up with it even if it destroys me because I’m scared you’ll leave me”… that is not normal!

Ahhhh, I’m done!! I be thinking !!!!!!

P.S. I will say the rationalizing is helping with my insecurities surrounding relationships and things. Slowly realizing that all of this is fucked up. Ppl have fucked me up. I feel fucked up and unloveable because I have these issues. But if I look back at the source of it all, I can grasp what the fuck is going on lol. And rationalizing is helping me with recognizing. I’m slowly realizing, I am kinda pretty lol and ppl are physically attracted to me and I’ve just dealt with mean kids, societal beauty standards, ppl just not being that into me and that’s okay, amongst other things. It will take a long while to be convinced ppl like mg personality however… That is probably my deepest deepest insecurity and I can’t imagine getting over that within the next 5 yrs unfortunately. Even though I require the absolute bare minimum from ppl, I have been rejected and made to feel like I am too much :(((

[captainmdhridoyhossain-blog]

[ad_1] The filter makes users look younger and more glamorous. Some TikTokers are concerned that the tool promotes unrealistic beauty standards. (Story aired on All Things Considered on March 8, 2023.) STEVE INSKEEP, HOST: What you see on social media is not necessarily real life. Many people use filters when they're posting photos on social media - filters that change the light and maybe make people look brighter, more attractive. If you don't know, now you know. TikTok has unveiled a new filter powered by artificial intelligence which might be too good. NPR's Bobby Allyn takes a look.BOBBY ALLYN, BYLINE: Annie Luong (ph) noticed it right away when she opened up TikTok recently.ANNIE LUONG: I just saw a lot of girls turning on this filter and their reactions to the filter and how it was such an advanced filter, so I wanted to try it.ALLYN: Luong is talking about TikTok's new beauty filter called Bold Glamour. It's become a viral sensation because it's different than past beauty filters. It uses advanced artificial intelligence. Instead of just putting a digital layer over your face, this filter completely re-creates your nose, chin, cheeks and eyes using a process known as machine learning. Luong, a 28-year-old who works in management consulting in Toronto, looked at herself in the Bold Glamour filter and thought...LUONG: OK, this looks pretty cool, but it just didn't feel like reality. And maybe that - it's because I know that it's not reality, where I'm like, I know that's not how I look in person, and I know that's - I'm not even going to try to look like that.ALLYN: Some of the tens of millions of TikTokkers who have tried the filter have had similar reactions.(SOUNDBITE OF MONTAGE)UNIDENTIFIED PERSON #1: Like, this is hard to tell that it's a filter.UNIDENTIFIED PERSON #2: This is just so scary. Like, it's so realistic, this one, and so damaging for people that think that this is what everyone should look like.UNIDENTIFIED PERSON #3: I don't know what kind of sorcery that filter is...ALLYN: Not only is the filter creating a glossier, skinnier, more movie-star version of yourself, but people have been freaking out because it's just so persuasive.Luke Hurd is a consultant who works on filters for Instagram and Snapchat.LUKE HURD: It is different. It's not cartoony. It's not drastically aging you or turning you into a child or flipping your gender on its head. And there are a lot of times where you have to kind of look down in the corner and see, wait, is there a filter on this person? And lately, it's been yes.ALLYN: That blurring of the line between reality and fiction is something that can have a lasting effect on your sense of self, says Renee Engeln. She's the director of the Body and Media Lab at Northwestern University.RENEE ENGELN: So your own face that you see in the mirror suddenly looks ugly to you. It doesn't look good enough. It looks like something you need to change. It makes you more interested in plastic surgery or other kinds of procedures.ALLYN: Engeln says some might see a TikTok filter as a playful thing, but it should be taken seriously.ENGELN: It's not like a TikTok filter directly causes clinical depression, but I think it adds to this culture where a lot of young people are feeling really alienated from themselves.ALLYN: Whether creating freakishly good images out of scratch or chatbots that can hold sometimes disturbing conversations, artificial intelligence has been taking the internet by storm, and TikTok and other social media companies are trying to incorporate the latest AI magic into their apps to seize the moment. TikTok wouldn't comment on the design of the filter, and they wouldn't discuss how the feature could potentially worsen people's image of themselves. Luong, in Toronto, says she's happy to see so many people on TikTok - mostly young women - using the filter to talk about how social media perpetuates unattainable beauty standards.

Many who commented on her video using the filter said, you know, I prefer the version of you without this filter.LUONG: But then there were a few comments where it's like, oh, it improved so much; like, you look so much better; like, you should always keep that filter on.ALLYN: Another TikTokker said, as she turned the filter on then off, no wonder everyone feels so ugly all the time.Bobby Allyn, NPR News. Copyright © 2023 NPR. All rights reserved. Visit our website terms of use and permissions pages at www.npr.org for further information. NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by an NPR contractor. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Accuracy and availability may vary. The authoritative record of NPR’s programming is the audio record. [ad_2] #AIpowered #TikTok #filter #sparking #concern #NPR

[rollercoasterwords]

fancasts + the prettification of queerness

hello tumblr this is gonna be another essay that nobody asked for but this post got me thinking thoughts and my go-to person to rant to is my aroace sister who literally cannot understand or relate to what i'm talking abt when i get into this stuff so. here i am <3 i'll put it under a cut tho

ANYWAY as i've gotten deeper and deeper into the marauders fandom over the past year i have of course seen hundreds of tiktok edits + pictures + artwork + discourse about fancasts/faceclaims and the ways different people picture the marauders. and this is not me trying to put anyone on blast or make any kind of moral judgment about the way other people visualize these characters; i honestly don't really care much how somebody else pictures a fictional character. BUT i have felt an odd sort of disconnect from the way i see many people imagining these characters, and i wanted to talk about why + where i think that might come from -- i'm gonna focus specifically on the girls here, because i'm a lesbian and this is just where i notice it most.

essentially, the disconnect that i have with most of the visual portrayals of these characters is just...they are all pretty. they are all so palatably pretty. they are all so pretty in the same way; they are almost always skinny, and long-haired, and pixie-faced and feminine and boring. like jesus christ, they are all pretty and it is so fucking boring.

and i think this is just a topic i've been thinking about more and more lately, but like...being queer does not automatically undo the years and years of socialization when it comes to cishet beauty standards. like we are all taught to think of beauty in strict standards that are deeply rooted in white supremacy, in classism, in cisness, in heterosexuality. and it creates this beauty standard that is so cookie-cutter and just demands the replication of the same features over and over again and...idk. it's just been making me reflect a lot on my own experience with queer attraction + desire.

like, growing up and undergoing this intense cishet socialization when it came to beauty standards alienated me in many ways from like...a genuine understanding of my own attraction. because i never experienced attraction the way i was told i was supposed to, and so when i tried to be attracted to things i was supposed to be attracted to, it just felt very plastic. it felt like i was watching myself as a spectator, thinking, would this look good in a video? would this look good in a picture? would this look good on a screen? and thinking that's what i was supposed to be attracted to.

and then once i began to embrace my queerness, there was still a lonnnnnngggg process of slowly, slowly unpicking those beauty standards (which i continue to do today; it's not a process that ever really ends). and so when i first started embracing attraction to women, specifically, it was still very much rooted in these cishet beauty standards. it was still centered around what was "conventional." and it was still disconnected from what was actually attractive to me.

the more comfortable i've gotten with my own queerness, the more i've reconnected with my own queer desire + my own queer experiences with attraction, the more alienated i've felt from the way that so many people around me discuss and think about attraction. like...there is just so much about conventional beauty standards that isn't fucking attractive. and it's like. idk. it's just weird!! it's weird to find things attractive when so many people around me think those things are weird or gross or icky.

like, ok. here's an example, right? orange is the new black. it was super popular while i was in high school, and i remember the craze surrounding ruby rose when they were cast. like everyone was going on and on about how attractive this person was. and it was no big deal to be like "omg yes ruby rose" bc in many ways they fit conventional beauty standards. like obviously they were gnc, obviously they were kinda butch, but they were still white, and skinny, and just...pretty, y'know?

now, big boo? completely different story. another butch lesbian, right, but people very much treated her character as like...ugly gross dyke. for general audiences, it was unfathomable that someone like big boo would actually, genuinely, be seen as attractive. because she was fat. and she wasn't pretty. and she didn't check enough of the conventional beauty standard boxes to make her palatable to straight audiences.

and this is something that i feel like happens so often with lesbians, specifically. it's all palatable and fine as long as the women are conventionally attractive, but people will react with such visceral disgust the second that these strict beauty standards aren't met. and i mean visceral disgust. people hate ugly lesbians in a way that is rarely questioned, because it's easy to laugh at the stereotype of the fat ugly dyke. and i just...idk. it makes me feel like i'm living on another planet sometimes. because fat ugly dykes are literally some of the sexiest people alive to me, so...???

anyway, i didn't really set out with this to make a point or come to a conclusion; i just wanted to ramble and write out my thoughts. but...yeah. i think this is just a little bit of a disconnect that i have with much of the marauders fandom in the ways that we visualize characters. because for me, my involvement in this space is centered very much around connecting with queerness + celebrating queer desire + attraction. and so...idk. i'm sick of pretty people i guess lol. and it's not like this is anyone's fault, but i do think it would be cool to see a bit more conversation around the ways that conventional beauty standards are so often rooted in systems of oppression, and also are so often removed from like...actual attraction.

in conclusion: i love ugly dykes!! i love fat dykes and hairy dykes and butch dykes and gnc dykes and i would love to see them celebrated more bc unpicking ingrained cishet beauty standards is so beautiful and so freeing and...yeah. i love attraction that falls outside the boundaries of cishet understanding <3

[ellieswaifu]

1:37am | ellie x fem!reader

request — “hii are u open to writing sub!ellie cus i don’t see a lot of it and as a top lesbian im dying for a bottom ellie. maybe a college au where the reader is more experienced and ellie has a crush on her? im obsessed w ur writing so this would mean a lot to me <33”

summary — while staying the night at ellie’s dorm, you realize why she has never had a girlfriend.

word count — 3k+ :)

genre — college!au, SMUT

WARNINGS — mdni please!! i do not wanna b thrown into horny jail!!! smut; sub!ellie, top!reader, fingering, oral (ellie receiving c:), hickeys. not proofread.

a/n: i accidentally answered this request w/o the fic ;-; anon i really hope u see this and enjoi!! ty for requesting!! always down to write for sub!ellie so send in as many requests as u want c:

rules | m.list

There’s only one reason why Ellie’s never had a girlfriend. That one reason alone has pulled her away from experiencing all the things love has to offer. And it’s not because she doesn’t have time, or doesn’t intend to have one, or anything — she’s just waiting. The girl she’s waiting been on is someone she’s known for a long time; one of her closest friends, she would say, and it frustrates the hell out of her.

It was you. It’s always been you.

A part of her wishes it wasn’t, because you’ve never seen her that way. Or at least, that’s what she thinks. But during the time she’s known you, you’ve never shown her signs that you were attracted to her. She cringes as the thought. Was she not attractive? Not your type? She doesn’t have a clue as to why her relationship with you has always been so platonic.

But then again, she tries so hard to hide the fact that she’s in love with you.

The two of you grew up together, from middle school up to university. You have always been so pretty to her, like to every other person you have met. You were smart, funny and kind and Ellie has never felt this way about anyone before. She doesn’t know how to approach it, how to confess, or show you that she could be the one for you. She has always been so scared to ruin this friendship she had with you for something that might pull you away from her.

And that’s the last thing she wants.

As much as Ellie likes you, she hates the fact that you’re so available to everyone. Not that you don’t have standards, but you’ve dated a lot of people during the time you’ve known her and she’s never been more frustrated with the fact that you can’t see her in that way.

A knock at Ellie’s door pulls her back into reality. Looking towards her night desk, she glances at the alarm clock sitting on the surface, blinking slowly.

1:37 A.M.

With a groan, she gets up from her bed and goes to open the door. You stand there with a sheepish smile plastered across your face as Ellie stares at you with an unreadable expression.

“Hi, I know it’s late, but can I sleep here tonight?”

Ellie can’t help the fact that she has the best room in the whole dormitory; though, small, it was a single bedroom with a pretty window and even her own bathroom. College kids these days would kill to have the privilege of having a dorm room all the themselves.

“Yeah, but why?” Ellie questions, stepping away from her door.

“My roommate brought her boyfriend over so he’s staying the night and I can’t sleep when they’re there.”

You walk inside and close her door, walking over to where her bed was, and Ellie can’t help but stare. You have always had no trouble captivating her with your appearance whether you’re dressed well or in the worst combination of clothes ever. This time, you were dressed in a large hoodie and shorts with your hair tied back into a loose ponytail. It was simple, but Ellie found you beautiful either way.

Her crush on you was maddening. It has never gone away since the day she met you and befriended you. She almost wishes that you would do something to make her dislike you, but everything you did was perfect. She almost hates that about you, how perfect you were for her.

“You can sleep on my bed,” Ellie tells you, heading towards her closet. “I’m gonna grab some comforters and lay on the floor.”

“What? We can just sleep together—“

“I’m good.”

You stare at her. Her back was turned towards you as she rummages through her closet grabbing some blankets before walking back towards you to pull a pillow off of her bed. You just watch her, without saying a word, as she neatly makes a bed out of thick comforters an blankets on the wooden floor.

It wasn’t the first time you’ve slept in her dorm, on different days, Ellie would sleep right next to on her bed, and on other different days, you two would sleep separately. You wondered if there was something that was bothering Ellie when she didn’t want to share the bed.

Sitting at her bed silently, you don’t bother trying to convince her to come to bed with you. Ellie has always been someone who never changes their mind when it came to deciding most things. So, you sit there with a pout on your face as you watch her try to get comfy on the floor. You sigh and lay your head down on her bed, staring at her back. Her back was still facing you, laying on her side as she tried to get some sleep.

Almost half an hour passes and you’re still boring your eyes into her back, wondering if she had fallen asleep already. There’s no way she’s comfortable, laying on the floor like that, and you can’t help but frown.

“Ellie?”

She hums in response.

“I can’t sleep,” you tell her.

“What do you want me to do about it?”

A sigh leaves your lips and you shrug, even though you know she can’t see you. You continue staring at her back until she shuffles around to face you. She looks up to the top of her bed, meeting your gaze silently. You want to reach out, run your hands through her hair, and admire her freckles and nose, and eyes and lips. She seemed so close, yet so far. She feels lonely every time you look at her.

Ellie was pretty. You have done nothing but admire her the whole time you’ve known her. She was a cute nerdy kid when you met her, obsessed with fossils and superheroes and planets and stars. She grew up with you; learned the things you learned, helped her through hard times, and laughed and spent everyday with her.

You’ve never thought against being with her. You liked her a lot. And if only you know how much she liked you back.

You’ve always had questions for her. Always wondered if she had someone she liked at the moment, and always received the same answer over and over again.

“Ellie?”

“Yeah?”

“Why don’t you have a girlfriend?”

You watch as her eyebrows rise as she stares at you. This wasn’t the first time you’ve asked her this. The other time was in high school, when you realized that she had never been in a relationship since the day you met her.

It has always confused you, given that there were so many girls that liked and chased after her. You were sure even Dina had a crush on her. It made you jealous, if you were being honest, but you’ve never told Ellie that, not that she ever seemed to care, though.

But gradually, as years passed and the more time you spent with her, you’ve realized some things.

Ellie looks away from you and smiles, opening her mouth to give you an answer.

You stop her right in her tracks when you speak up first, “There’s girls who always ask me for your number, Ellie. Almost everyday. And I always tell them no.”

You almost find yourself getting lost in Ellie’s green hues as she stares at you, wondering what your going to say next.

“You’re hot and smart and there’s absolutely no reason for you to not have a girlfriend,” you explain to her.

“You don’t have one either.”

You shake your head and furrow your eyebrows, staring at her intently, “T-That’s different. I’ve had relationships… But, you haven’t had any, yet.”

For a moment, you stare down at her face. She seems unsure, almost uncomfortable with the questions you’re asking her. She’s nervous, you can tell, as her hand quickly goes to play with her ring and pinky finger.

“Ellie, do you know why I go out with a lot of people?”

The girl in front of you doesn’t move or says a word. She only stares at you, hard, as she continues to wait for you to finish talking.

“I mostly do it to see if you’d get jealous,” you tell her with a smile. “I always wondered if you’d care if I go out with someone I just met.”

It takes Ellie a second to realize what you had just said. Her eyes widen and she parts her lips slightly in awe as she gazes at you. You’re staring back at her with a smile, watching as she stays still, no words leaving her mouth.

With a smile, you reach out and grab her hand, softly pulling her up to her bed. She follows and goes to lay under the covers with you. Ellie can’t help herself, eyes fixated on your plump lips and pink cheeks. Is she dreaming? She can’t tell. That is, until you press a hand to her face, caressing her softly with her thumb.

After a while of staring, you sit up and smoothly move to straddle Ellie, placing each of your legs on the sides of her waist. Her heart is beating a mile a minute. You have never shown her this much affection in this away before and she feels like her heart is going to burst. The butterflies in her stomach were no help, either.

“You didn’t answer my question, yet, Ellie,” you say, pressing the palms of your hands to her toned stomach as you push the hem of her shirt up slightly.

You were referring to the question where you asked why she doesn’t have a girlfriend. You were sure you knew the answer to that question; her stares and her actions whenever she was with you have never gone unnoticed. She just never said anything about them. You wished she did, but it never happened.

And Ellie can’t focus, no matter how hard she tries to. Your hands are distracting her and she can’t seem to remember the question you asked her and the way you were touching her drove her insane.

“I- I don’t remember the question,” she confesses, staring at your hands.

“It’s okay,” you bring your hands to her waist, dragging them along her sides. “I think I know the answer, anyways.”

Ellie watches the smirk tug at the corner of your lips before you lean down towards her face and her green eyes widen as you close the distance between your lips and hers. Everything felt like a dream; your lips, your body on top of hers, the way you were pulling at her shirt. It feel surreal. Your lips were soft, just the way she imagined them to be. Ellie moans into your mouth the moment your tongue meets hers.

She’s nervous in a way, not wanting to fuck this up. She knows she’s not the best kisser; she only remembered kissing this one girl in like the fifth grade.

You pull away from her lips, leaving kisses along the sides of her jaw and down to her neck, leaving dark bruises on them. You can’t help but drink in the the light gasps Ellie was letting out, sounding so pretty for you.

Hands grabbing the hem of her shirt, you pull it right off of her, over her shoulders before throwing it somewhere to the corner of the room. Fuck. She’s not wearing a bra. Not that you didn’t know this already, but the sight of it drove to the edge. Ellie lays there, a blush pinking her cheeks, under your stare. Your hands trace over her toned stomach, all the way to the valley of her breasts before lightly rubber her hard nipples with your delicate fingers.

“Is this okay?”

Ellie nods, staring at your hands.

“You’re so beautiful, Ellie.”

The girl beneath you turns her head to the side, embarrassed at the compliment. She’s never been called that before, not with this much love and adoration that you were surrounding her with.

“I-I’ve never done this before,” Ellie blurts out in embarrassment as she turns to look at you again.

“I know, baby.”

Ellie feels her heart beating even faster at the little name you called her. Her hands are resting at your thighs, just in front of your hips, giving them a small squeeze and your smile takes all of her nervousness away as if you were silently telling her not to worry.

Once again, you lean down, pressing kisses up through between her breasts, then her neck, her jaw, and lastly, her lips. The kiss wasn’t as soft as it was the first time; this one was hungrier and a little rougher with your tongue completely dominating hers as she moans into your mouth.

You pull away again, only to put her nipple into your mouth, swirling your tongue around the bud. You can hear Ellie’s breathing speed up and you can’t help but smirk against her breast. It was the way you were sucking and licking on her sensitive nipple that made the pool in between her legs even wetter than they were the moment she saw you.

And Ellie can’t believe you’re doing this to her right now; a part of her still wondering if she was dreaming. If she was, she never ever wanted to wake up again.

“I’ll take care of you tonight,” you tell her, pressing light kisses against her stomach as you move to travel downwards where the treasure was at. “So, you just lay there and look all pretty for me, okay?”

Ellie gasps as you pull her shorts down, embarrassed at how wet she already was and you haven’t done much yet.

“Spread your legs, baby,” you say, patting her thighs lightly.

Ellie follows your orders, slowly pulling her knees apart from each other as you come face to face with her clothed pussy. You can see the soaked fabric of her panties covering her, and to can help but groan as you press a finger against the wetness. You can hear Ellie’s breath hitch as your finger pushes down on her clothed clit.

The moan Ellie lets out was music to your ears. And all you wanted to do was listen to it all night on repeat.

“You’re soaking wet, baby,” you smile with half-lidded eyes. “All this for me?”

“Mhm,” she hums, lips closed in a tight line, feeling your breath against her clothed pussy.

You look up, pulling her panties down her legs at agonizingly slow pace as you look directly into her eyes. Ellie’s cheeks grow redder, the cold air coming in contact with her wetness. So pretty. Having Ellie underneath you like this. You’ve fantasized about this countless of times before, and so has she.

You rub the tips of your fingers against her slick, teasing her hole only for a couple of seconds before pushing in two fingers deep into her pussy, pressing against her wet walls. You kiss her sensitive clit as a warning, right before you start curling your fingers, pushing against her spongy spot, pumping your fingers in and out of her pussy.

You fuck her with your fingers until she gets too tight to keep your fingers from moving and you pull your fingers out of her pussy. She whines as you take them out, feeling empty, wanting you to touch her again.

“Don’t worry,” you reassure her, kissing her clit softly. “I’m not done with you yet.”

With your fingers, you pull the lips of her pussy apart, staring for a moment at the deliciousness you were about to taste. Not wasting another second, you delve right in, swiping your tongue up and down her folds. Ellie’s pretty moans are ringing in your ear as you continue to lick at her clit, swirling your tongue around her bundle of nerves.

“Oh, fuck,” Ellie breathes, jaw hanging as her hands run through your hair, slightly rubbing your scalp.

Ellie has never felt like this before; so much pleasure all at once both physically and mentally, knowing that you were the only who she would allow to do this to her. She moans your name with soft gasps and spread her legs wonder to give you more access. You stick your tongue into her pussy and the moan she lets out has you groaning against her cunt. The vibration of your moan against her pussy sends waves of pleasure throughout her core as she tugs tightly on your hair.

She tastes so fucking good and you can’t get enough of her. Ellie arches her back the moment you suddenly move up to suck on her clit mercilessly. She whines and shakes against your face and you lock her legs on your shoulders with your arms to keep her from squirming.

“(Y/n), I- I’m gonna—“ her breath hitches and she throws her head back against the pillow behind her.

“Come all over my tongue, baby.”

The cry that erupts from Ellie is music to your ears. She’s scrambling to grab a fistful of your hair, pulling it slightly. Her body twitches once, then again, and again, jerking on the bed as she releases all of her come into your mouth. With nothing but determination, you greedily lap it all up, holding her in place as she tries to squirm away from you.

You pull away from her pussy slowly as you stare directly into her eyes and you can’t help but notice the way her face turned red and how her chest rises and falls at a quick pace. Her body is still twitching slightly and the sight of her is driving you mad.

“Are you feeling okay?” was the first thing you asked her.

She nods her head, still trying to catch her breath as she pulls one her hands away from head to put over face, “Y-Yeah… That was…”

You wait for her to finish her sentence, almost a little anxious to hear what she had to say about it. But, all Ellie can do is stare at the visible shine your your chin, her heart feeling steady but full as she stares at you in adoration.

She can tell that you’re nervous, dying to know what she was thinking about. Her hands go back to your hair, running her hands through them as she smiles.

“It was amazing.”

Ellie watches your face turn from being anxious to smug. A smirk played on your lips as you kiss her inner thighs, leaving light bruises along her skin. Her hands in your hair was making you feel a little sleepy, but you had other plans for tonight.

“Good,” you tell her. “Then, let’s do it again.”

[togrowoldinv]

The Most Perfect Woman

Part I: The Meet Cute

Florence Pugh x Female Reader

When you are late for your first day on set as a coordinator for Marvel, you accidentally run into Florence Pugh. Literally.

Masterlist

You woke up today with lots of excited but anxious energy running through you. Today is the day you start working on a new set with Marvel. Your first with the company. It has always been your dream as a set coordinator to work on a big Marvel movie, so your nerves are running high. You are always afraid of how the other crew may see you or how, God forbid if they even perceive you, the actors do. You will be working with some of the most famous actors in the world this time around. It’s nothing to be nervous about though, right?

And now somehow you are already running late. You are practically running through the parking lot and into the front doors of the studio with your set notes in hand and your head down. You were up all night organizing them for today’s work, not wanting to mess up your big shot. Suddenly, you collide with another person.

“Oh, darling! I am so sorry! Let me help you!” a woman’s voice says to you, “I wasn’t watching where I was going. Sorry, sorry, sorry,” she keeps repeating to you. You guess she is waiting for you to accept her apology, but you cannot seem to conjure any words at the moment as you are so flustered at your notes falling all over the lobby of the studio.

You look up to meet her eyes. And holy shit it is Florence Pugh. The Florence Pugh. By every standard, this woman is attractive. You knew this already but seeing her in person is a different experience entirely. Her blonde hair flows with the tiniest wave, and you get a strange, but pleasant feeling in your gut. Her beautiful eyes hold contact with yours for what feels like an eternity before she speaks again.

“I really am sorry. Here’s your papers,” she says with a delightful English accent and hands you your notes you didn’t even realize she had gathered. You didn’t think you could ever be attracted to someone so instantly like this, but you can’t seem to take your eyes off of her.

“Thanks, and it’s okay. I wasn’t being entirely vigilant in my walking either,” you say feeling strangely comfortable around her. And she laughs. Oh, what a glorious laugh she has. “Sorry I have to go. I am already late for my first day on set,” you say.

“No problem. Wait, set?” she asks, and you give her a nod. “Are you an actress?”

You can’t help but let out a soft scoff of disbelief at that. She thinks you’re an actress? Very anxious, sometimes awkward, definitely introverted, you?

“Oh no, I am a set coordinator for the new Marvel movie,” you reply. And she touches your forearm excitedly and flashes you a wonderfully large smile. Your heart beats faster at the contact.

“No way!” she says. “I can’t wait to work with you.”

“It will be a pleasure to work with you-” you pause waiting for her to tell you her name even though you most certainly knew it.

“Florence,” she finishes for you. And her name sounds so beautiful with her accent that you almost forget to tell her your name.

“Y/n,” you reply.

“Y/n, what a lovely name,” she says, and you feel that rush in your gut again. Your name sounds like a symphony coming from her mouth. No one has ever made you feel this way, and although you have a feeling she makes everyone feel this comfortable with her immediately, something just feels cosmically special about the way you feel around her.

“Next time we see each other I hope it’s under better circumstances than my clumsiness,” you say finally mucking up the courage to continue the conversation.

“Yes, I am sure it will be. See you around,” she says flashing you a smile as she walks away. Probably off to do hair and makeup and other actor stuff. Not that you ever understood that side of movie making. You watch her walk away and then remember that you were already late and your conversation with Florence has made you even later. But you cannot bring yourself to worry about it anymore, after all you did just meet the coolest woman in the world. This job is already shaping up to be quite the experience.

Note: I hope you enjoyed reading this. I have five more parts of this already written that I plan on posting by the end of next week.