#just a little toxicity to balance out blossom

[hheartsdramas]

been seeing some story of kunning palace content so of course i started rewatching it (again) and i want to talk about the cave scene.

i see a lot of people talk about the kiss—is it hot? is it assault-y? is he crazy? did she like it?—but to me the big amazing thing about that scene is what happens after the kiss. he says “will you die here with me?” (insane) and she says “fuck no, your life is MINE and I will NOT let you die, you coward!” (also insane). xie wei has been living to die since he was a child. he assumed it, even wanted it. once his revenge is accomplished, what else does he have to live for? then here comes jiang xuening who is just as unhinged as him. he both understands her and can’t figure her out, so she becomes something else besides revenge that becomes important. BUT. before the cave scene, he is still more willing to give her up than his revenge. sure he’s on the red flag ML list but actually he’s always prepared to watch her walk away. even when he comes to the jiang home to tell her about the princess being kidnapped he was going to help her get her travel documents if that’s what she wanted. he’d gone back to dosing himself with a medicine that keeps him lucid enough for plotting but will eventually destroy his body. but then in the cave she tells him he’s not allowed to die BECAUSE SHE SAID SO and that’s the moment everything shifts for him. he starts thinking about what happens *after* all this and he wants something more. i think he wanted her before that but when you’re told your life belongs to someone else is when you become truly obsessed and all that intensity can’t hide anymore.

(and then almost the very next thing he does is reunite with the yans who are so happy to have him back, and i just really think without ning telling him not to be an idiot and reminding him of all that he would definitely yeet himself in every timeline.)

anyway this is why i have never been able to ship any other combo in this show (other than zhiyi and ning, for totally different reasons). now please excuse me while i fuck off and watch that man make a woman stab him in the gut…for love.

[jotunkhiicha]

Mary and I both dream of silent hill like absolute units.

“𝑀𝑎𝑙𝑛𝑒𝑖𝑟𝑜𝑝ℎ𝑟𝑒𝑛𝑖𝑎”

Were dreams supposed to be an escape from the vitriol of existence—a balm for the agony of the torment of tomorrow and yesterday, leaving people hanging in the balance and seeking equilibrium?

If they were, perhaps that would give some sense as to why his dreams aren’t so much sweet escapes, little escapades for his consciousness to drift between his states of mind like a little flea, jumping from beast to beast; they are garbled messes of his trauma given form. They sulk towards him, twisting and twitching in unnatural ways that would make a God weep and it all reminds him of that wretched town.

Silent Hill.

In her restless dreams, she saw that town—is that why he sees it too? Is he a restless sailor, drifting along the sea of dreamlike ambition to die to join her?

A catastrophic wave sweeps his hopes aside, drowning them within the sea of nihilism like an all encompassing finality. It spans far and wide, beyond him yet no further than him—a conundrum. It exists within him and sprawls all around him like wishes slipping from their husks and splashing into the water. Its wishes are like pinpricks against his flesh, like goosebumps from a lover’s fingertips as they dance over his flesh in strange patterns.

“James?”

The angels sing, for demons have come to eat his heart and spit out the fatty deposits of gluttony at his feet.

Rejoice! They cry.

“James?” The sweetness of spring that soothed the dull ache brought forth from the longing of union, blossoms within his name.

Is he a bud in spring, or a hollowed tree where the insects burrow their larvae to give his death a purpose? Has he been reborn in this junction between an endless winter and the boundless spring?

To be reborn, he must die—rend the soul from the body and smother it beneath blankets and pillows to suffocate any hope of escape. Just as he did back then.

Familiar hands make familiar instruments of torture, rebirthing dead and buried memories of her.

She’s everywhere, filling in every single gap between atoms, drowning the world in her presence and everything reminds him of her. She’s a burden within his hippocampus, she is a proverbial leviathan in his dreams to swallow all of the waste that comes from the hopeful slumber he pines for. She is both the balm and the burn upon his flesh—a scalding flame and the sweet reprieve that mortal men hunt for.

What has become of him?

“…Mary.” He mumbles in his sleep, restless as always and even the rattling pills inside their sweet little containers don’t help.

She is still there, a humble flame come to burn down his foundations, he has just come to accept seeing her, every night, behind his eyelids and feeling her maleficent intent as she spills over him like toxic waste.

He will never escape.

[3lossm]

𝚋𝚒𝚘 . ( tba ) 𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚎𝚜 . 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚛𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚌𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚜 .

𝟑𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐬𝐦 ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ independent & private roleplay blog for 𝗕𝗟𝗢𝗦𝗦𝗢𝗠 of cartoon network's powerpuff girls ! canon - diverence & influenced by my own headcanons + other sources. written by bronze , 24 . she / they. CST. , please read rules prior to interacting or following . ( rules under the cut ) minors & personals will be blocked !

( A STUDY IN -- balancing girlhood with heroism , , bloodied knuckles becoming an accessory & discovering who you are while holding the world on your shoulders )

❥ 𝚖𝚊𝚒𝚗𝚜 & 𝚊𝚏𝚏𝚒𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚜 : @3u33les @madestars

𝐫𝐮𝐥𝐞𝐬 :

𝟶𝟷 . this is a mutual exclusive, private blog, with selective following ! i'm more likely to follow muns or muses i know , and in general people i can see myself or blossom interacting with ! she will have multiple verses so crossovers are welcome. i like to keep my circle small so don't take it personally if i don't follow back ! 𝟶𝟸 . follow basic rp etiquette ( no god modding, cut your posts, tag triggers , don’t be hateful etc. ) , if you display any kind of problematic / toxic / harmful behavior you'll be blocked . the golden rule is to treat others how you want to be treated ! 𝟶𝟹 . please communicate any problems . i don't like drama of any kind -- i'd rather avoid drama and talk issues out . i'm not really one for callout posts, although i read them and take note -- please remember that just because i don't interact with a callout that it doesn't mean i condone or support the creator being called out. 𝟶𝟺 . my characterization of blossom is heavily influenced by my own ideas , concepts , headcanons as well as various media . if you don't like the way i write her, don't follow . please check my meta posts to learn more about my characterization. 𝟶𝟻 . i generally prioritize plotted interactions and interactions with mains / friends . i encourage you to send ask memes, it's the easiest way to get interactions going ! , i'll post starter calls here and there but they're not super common . 𝟶𝟼 . icons aren't necessary here. as blossom's mainverse is when she's 17, i likely won't be using any icons . i use small text , sometimes with different fonts and sometimes with colored text. if anything hurts your eyes or gives you issues please let me know. same goes for my writing , which i try to keep on the tame side of poetic. 𝟶𝟽. All my graphics are made by me , please don’t steal or lift headcanons or characterization. 𝟶𝟾 . shipping will be between muses who have chemistry, i prefer developing relationships vs. jumping into writing the relationship as romantic immediately. shipping status is multi-single ship, meaning i'll only ship with ONE blog of any specific character. if you'd be interested in shipping lmk ! 𝟶𝟿 . i use basic tags for triggers and anything that could be considered nsfw -- violence , gore , language , etc. ( no graphic sexual encounters will be written here. ) so my tag's will look like this ( #trigger / or #trigger ) to keep it simple for people blacklisting. 𝟷𝟶 . im bronze , i've been writing on tumblr for a little under 10 years . i started in the fairytail rpc and have been jumping around since then. im not a fast writer and tend to struggle with motivation most days. i'm a mother and work a full time job , and have various mental illnesses ! The mix can affect my motivation. i also write on discord and tend to be faster there. you can request my discord at any point as long as we're mutuals !

[animehouse-moe]

Run Away With Me, Girl Volume 3: As Far Away As Possible

A satisfying but emotional ending can be a hard thing to pull off sometimes. Can you get the right balance of drama and satisfaction? Finding the right stopping point that doesn't leave readers with too many questions? Does it fit within the goal/meaning of the story? It's no small feat to bring something to a beautiful close, but this last volume of Run Away With Me, Girl manages to do just that and then some.

Before we get there though, I want to talk about Tazune. For all intents and purposes, he's a terrible person. But they do a good job of explaining that in a way that isn't venomous or particularly hateful towards him.

Allow me to explain. Tazune is shown to be controlling, misogynistic, unstable, violent, and manipulative. We know this from throughout the manga, and plenty of pieces within this volume alone. Like him interrupting and talking over Maki chan, or the difference in how he approaches his significant other versus how Midori does. It's a lot of microaggressions and subversive behavior, as opposed to violent or explicitly aggressive behavior.

And I think it's a really important difference. Yeah, he still hit Midori, but alongside that he degraded her, controlled her, manipulated her, and forced distance between her and her friends. Even the slightest things like how he phrases things, or how he constantly touches or grabs Midori to steer her around. His whole character is centered around that "nice guy" front that hides his almost effortlessly nasty side.

Run Away With Me, Girl doesn't just say that lots of women are in abusive relationships. Rather, through Tazune it shows readers what a great deal of abusive and toxic relationships are like, all the little details and pieces that can break a person down, all the ways that they're degraded and relegated to property.

Anyways, moving forward. The next piece I really loved was the whole "living the dream" bit. It changes shape and form rather frequently, but addresses the idea of a "perfect life" and how people want to escape that sorrow and sadness. Hesitating about having your child, or breaking off your engagement, or trying to marry the girl that you love. There's lots of ways that it's expressed, and I love how they slowly bring Midori and Maki out of it. By showing that even if a relationship looks cold from the outside, there's still a bright and warm light to it. Or how there's still beauty to the darker parts of life.

To that end, the biggest moments in this vein are Midori's chat with the inn keeper, and her realization from the plum tree blossoms. Specifically the latter, I love how they invert the colors to show the difference between the two scenes. Such a simple change, but brings so much more to the table.

The first is a really great piece that shows the struggles of parenting hand in hand with the best aspects. How you can still engage and find happiness and see those sparkles in it even when there's parts of it that you don't want to remember.

The whole sequence is really beautiful, with how Midoriwants to run away from her problems and issues. It really brings her story full circle with how she ran away from Maki in high school, and how now she's able to stand strong and stay with her.

Also, I love seeing Maki grow as a character too! She's come so far out of her indifferent shell that she'll stand up to Tazune for Midori's sake, and I think it's a really beautiful way of showing her growth as a character, and her commitment to Midori.

Similarly, she expresses a lot of confidence and emotion in the face of her mother now that she's with Midori. I think it's a great moment for quite a few things, but the piece that surprised me was the mother's angle on Maki and Midori (centered around Midori being married and pregnant). Was a unique way to voice concern that didn't take a less savory route.

On the tangent of other characters, and harkening back to that inverted color scheme though, this sequence from Tazune which I alluded to earlier is really chilling. Using that black to show him sinking into himself and finding something to dig up is a really great idea, and gets that point across incredibly well.

Anyways, back to positive and cute stuff. I don't really have much to say about Midori and Maki getting married, but they deserve the world after the trouble they've been through. Just a really fun sequence that lets them let loose, and make their own sort of cute vows to each other in the process.

And then, the cutest thing of all? There's a chapter about their child, Kon-chan, afterwards! I love it when series give a glimpse into life past the main story, and show how things have gone.

Within that frame though, Run Away With Me, Girl goes above and beyond. They address the challenges kids face with same sex couples and non-biological parents, while showing that even if Maki isn't Kon-chan's real mother, that they've still inherited so much of her through their parenting. And, that even though Maki and Midori are doing their best, there's still situations where things get out of control. Where lines are crossed and feelings are hurt. It's a really wonderful reminder that they inhabit reality, no matter how picturesque a beach is, and no matter how much they might dream of someplace else.

Run Away With Me, Girl is a very powerful but short manga that dances across the fears of marriage and pregnancy, and couples it with the unique challenges that face same sex romance, before bundling it all together with pretty art, an emotional and strong story, and memorable and (largely) loveable characters. At three volumes long, there's not really a reason to not have this outstanding story on your shelf

[blues-valentine]

LOVE reading all ur thoughts about ruby/otis. something that i think a lot of viewers are overlooking is that just a few months ago in the timeline of the show otis was dealing with severe childhood trauma regarding sex that was bad enough to the point where he literally had a panic attack in front of lily. so the fact that him and ruby are /extremely/ sexually compatible is super important in my opinion because it showcases just how much otis has developed as a character. like you said, he’s able to speak his mind in front of ruby and that includes both sex-related and non-sex-related things which is way different from his time with ola.

the friction at the beginning of ruby + otis’ relationship is SO refreshing to watch because there’s this constant challenging of boundaries and rather than it turning toxic they’re able to actually reach a healthy compromise on everything with no drama. otis and maeve on the other hand bring out the worst in each other. it’s not a coincidence that the moment otis refixates on maeve he has another one of his classic yelling-at-jean-for-being-unethical scenes. you know how psychologists say that grown adults tend to go back to acting childlike when they’re around their parents because that’s what they’re used to? that’s exact what I feel like when I watch motis on screen. all of otis’ good traits that we saw blossom with ruby (i.e. confidence, transparency, maturity) suddenly disappear around maeve. he regresses back to his old, insecure bumbling season 1 self again.

a lot of motis enthusiasts say that oh otis is looking for someone he has a ~true connection~ with and it’s baffling with because hello?? did otis not lose his virginity to ruby? did they not go through a pregnancy scare together where otis had his only one true mature moment in s2 where he told ruby that if she decided to keep the baby he would be willing to drop out and support her financially? did she not openly discuss her father’s diagnosis and her family’s money problems with him? ALL of those instances are so deeply intimate and I would argue that ruby started having feelings for otis specifically because he helped her purchase plan b, something that most boys would never do

Thank you, anon! This is everything I wanted to say because those are interesting points!

Firstly, I said this in one of my posts that they could’ve done SO MUCH with Ruby and Otis in terms of sexual education. As you say, Otis was so sexually repressed to the point of getting panic attacks about it, it's true that sexual compatibility between two people is super important, and it seems like Ruby and Otis shared that. It could’ve been great for them to speak about how Otis feels about his sexual active life and how he went from "not that great" to "good at sex" and that’s probably because he respects Ruby' demands during sex, as we saw. It could’ve been great to deep into why Ruby goes for sex when she’s in a difficult situation emotionally, and how talking or forming an emotional connection is actually really hard for her, as we saw. The potential was endless and they fumbled the bag terribly.

I think Otis and Ruby's dynamic balances out because Ruby is able to be softer and Otis sharpens a little bit. It’s funny how some people are taking the whole "changing him" thing as a reason they don’t work when Ruby stopped doing that the moment he asked her to stop. We saw changes from her. Also, we saw that Ruby obviously had feelings for him (probably from the summer spent together) given the fact her dad called her out on always talking about him. Character development exists for a reason. I saw Otis more confident, outspoken and care free. I think he even communicated more with Jean during that period (also we know Ruby has stayed the night at Otis' house too). When he went back to the Maeve drama, he instantly felt super awkward, back to having an insecurity crisis and as you say, went back to screaming at Jean for some reason. I remember on season 1 how he would never say no to Maeve's wishes, leaving Eric on important moments, he wasn’t able to set boundaries between her and his relationships. And people likes to argue is because "he actually feels something for Maeve and he is a teenager" but how come he regresses when fixates in her? I think they bring out unlikable parts of each other and that’s not something to look forward in a relationship not matter how in love you are.

The whole "real connection" thing is also a reach because the 2x07 scenes actually showed them having a real connection. Otis being very mature while handling the plan b situation, Ruby opening up to him about her father and their financial problems. Also sex can be a connection if you allow it to be, after all she is the first person he ever had sex with. Ruby showing him her house and allowing him to meet her dad is a connection, a raw and vulnerable one. I believe that Otis really liked Ruby and his feelings could’ve grown deeper with time, but I understand Ruby not wanting to involve herself deeper with him because emotions are scary, especially unrequited ones.

I like Maeve and Otis, I know they’ll be endgame but I think they’re in very different places and I enjoy them more apart than when they are paired romantically with each other, at least this season it was like that for me.

[dabisqueen]

REDEMPTION PT.1

Ok so bear with me. I am not a native English speaker and I am just writing for fun. I dont make money off of this. Just my brain sh** written down in words, including typos. I am not a Hemingway and there are bad sentences, even logical mistakes. Sorry, not sorry. It’s my story.

PS: this is a spin-off from my first story

Shōto x Reader, Dabi x Reader (brother's rivalry)

Pt. 1 of 6

Word Count: roughly 2.5K

Synopsis: You are quirkless, nevertheless Shōto Todoroki falls in love with you. And you for him. That is, until Dabi steps between you both

Warnings: 18+, smut, angst, hurt but also a lot of comfort, bondage, some physical abuse, alcohol abuse, smoking, sexual assault, some violence, noncon, unprotected sex (pls be smarter in real life and protect), oral sex, creampie, roughish sex, kidnapping, quirk use, yandere behavior, mildly toxic relationship, pregnancy (oops, spoiler alert!)

I’m terrible at trigger warnings (TWs) so please let me know if I should add some or mine are inaccurate

>> MINORS DO NOT INTERACT! <<

Pt. 2

________________________________

In a world full of quirks and heroes I was one of the few not bestowed with any kind of gift. I worked at a small local flower shop after I graduated from high school. My apartment was located in a mediocre residential complex, nothing special, merely consisting of one room with a bed and a cooking nock. But I was able to afford it and loved it. It was located on the second floor and had a cute little balcony. Watching the sunset, sipping a glass of wine while enjoying the sweet scent of the flowers and plants surrounding me was my favourite way of enjoying the evening.

I wasn't exactly the quiet type of girl, but I liked keeping to myself. When others partied on Saturday, I found myself strolling along the river banks of the town, appreciating the serenity of the quiet evening, birds singing their evening serenade. My friends were few but the ones I had stuck to me like glue. I have had a few boyfriends, but nothing particularly steady, they just never gave me what I was searching for.

It was a beautiful morning in May and looking out the window I saw the cherry blossoms in the distance smiling at me. The weather proved to be intoxicating and warm, so after getting off work I decided to attend the Hanami festival.

The gravel road was covered with cherry blossoms, the green foliage shone in the evening sun's loving light as I mingled with the crowd, taking in the cherry forest's sweet smell. Strolling underneath the trees, a mild breeze suddenly blew and made the light pink petals fall round me like wintery snow. I closed my eyes for a second, enjoying the feeling of the pink snowflakes fluttering across my face, the fragrant incense almost numbing my mind when I suddenly bumped into someone and lost my balance. I squealed and was about to fall when two strong arms caught me mid air.

My gaze went up to meet a pair of heterochromatic eyes, one turquoise and one grey. Bicolored hair swaying slightly with the wind, the evening light reflecting in it as my rescuer asked with a shy smile if I was ok. My lips opened and closed, struggling for words as he helped me up, chuckling.

“Are you by yourself?” I nodded shyly.

Cocking his head, he took in my sight and asked with hopeful eyes “Want to join me?” He nudged his chin indicating the direction he was heading in and I gladly accepted.

All around us people were drinking sake or tea and eating their home-cooked meals to mark the occasion. We wound our way through the crowd, subconsciously seeking out a more quiet area of the park. We enjoyed ourselves, talking and laughing a lot, while we strolled through the crowd.

I learned that his name was Shōto and he had just graduated from U.A. academy, working at his dad's office. As the night slowly descended upon us, lamps started to illuminate the park with warm light. We finally arrived at an old cherry tree, overlooking a small creek flowing by. The colorful blossoms painted the water with their petals as we stood there and enjoyed the silence around us. He picked up a cluster of pink and white flowers that had fallen onto the soft gras and gently tugged it behind my ear. Before I knew it, our fingers gently wrapped around each other, as he gazed into my eyes and raised a hand to lift my chin. Lost in the sensation of his soft lips latching onto mine I sighed, our delicate kiss quickly descending into passion, with little regard for what was going on around us.

The following weeks, whenever his work allowed it, we saw each other, spending hours talking about us, our past. When he mentioned that Endeavor was his father, I almost choked on my drink, spilling it everywhere.

"What the…" I snorted, "Endeavor, for real?!"

"Not proud of it, but, uhm yeah," we both laughed, as I tried cleaning up my mess.

"Why not?" I tilted my head and he told me about the reason for his scar, why his mom got so angry. My hand gently reached out to his face, soft fingers caressing his burn scar, while he never let his eyes off me. I leaned forward to kiss his scarred skin, so in love with him, his past, his suffering and his strength. I was completely overwhelmed by the love for this man.

One evening he showed me pictures of his family on his phone - his mom Rei, sister Fuyumi and brother Natsuo. As we went through the photographs I noticed another young man in the older family pictures, white hair, same cerulean eyes as Shōto and pointed it out. A sadness in his voice took over as he recounted his memories about his eldest brother Tōya, who had disappeared, probably died when Shōto was still young. We comforted each other as I told him about my tragic past, losing both parents in a villain attack a few years ago. There was a special bond between us, made of love and sorrow, that no one else shared with us. It was comforting, knowing him around, the way he held my waist while we were kissing, the way his mesmerizingly beautiful eyes gazed into mine. I felt at home with him, nothing ever could get between us, we knew we had found each other.

________________________________

It had been a long week, people celebrating the blooming summer with buying floral arrangements. I had been busy in the store handling all the requests pouring in, as our flowers were well known for their freshness and good quality. Shōto got slammed with a tight schedule, rotating unusual patrol hours and working late into the night in the office.

We were fighting to find time to spend together as we both worked relentlessly, so it was not until Saturday that we met again. It was our first time spending the night together and my heart started pounding at the thought of it. I heard a soft knock on my door and jumped up, opened the door and threw my arms around Shōto's neck. He dropped his bag, lifted me up and twirled me around, his soft laughter filling my room as he nestled his head in my neck.

“Missed you,” a low moan escaped him as our lips met and I breathed into his kiss "Me too."

I had prepared his favourite, Soba noodles. His bicolored eyes didn't stop looking at me longingly, following my every movement. The tension was hot in the air after we finished eating dinner. While I rinsed off the dishes, I felt Shōto’s touch on my body - his large hand holding my waist tenderly as he bent down, kissing the nape of my neck while his crotch pressed against me from behind.

"Are you ready for tonight?" he rasped into my ear, hot breath brushing my skin and making me shiver with pleasure, “I want you, all of you.”

My skin started getting heated as my nervousness increased “I am nervous”.

“Don't be” he turned me around, still pressing me against the counter as he cupped my cheeks, delicately holding me like I was made of glass.

Tracing my slightly parted lips with his thumb, he lifted my chin up towards him and leaned in for a sensual kiss. My eyes turned wide as his sweet breath ghosted my face. When our lips connected, I closed my eyes, stars darting behind closed lids, sparks running through my body as a throbbing heat awoke deep inside of me. Our tongues met and intertwined as he tasted me, exploring the depth of my mouth, as the kiss grew more passionate. I raised my hands and laced them into his silky hair, pulling him even closer into the kiss while he slowly started tracing along my sides.

I could feel his hot excitement growing bigger in his pants and automatically reached down to press my palm against his crotch, carefully striking it. He exhaled sharply, his kiss getting wilder, breathless until he finally parted.

Panting he gazed at me and whispered with his low husky voice, "You are going to be the death of me".

With one swift movement he lifted me on his hips, my legs and arms wrapped around him, and carried me over to my bed, where he gently laid me on the sheets. My hair fanned out behind me as I arched my back, so he could pull my shirt off, exposing my delicate skin and lacey bra. He elicited a beautiful whimper from my lips as he scooped a hand behind my back and unlatched my bra with a snap of his fingers, pulling it off.

"So beautiful…" he groaned to himself, awed by the sight.

My pants and underwear flung to the floor next. He reached behind his back, pulling his shirt off with one swift move, exposing his defined muscles and abs. I inhaled as he shrugged his jeans off and pulled down his boxers, his huge cock springing into full view. I gasped at the sheer size of it, thickly veined and glistening with precum.

As he bent forward to lean in to another kiss, our skin met, his touch irresistibly icy and hot at the same time. We continued kissing as he trailed his hands up my waist and started circling my breasts. He captured my soft moans with his mouth as he gently slid his rough hands over my delicate skin. His lips left mine and I winced at the loss, as he peppered my cheeks and neck with small little kisses.

"Baby, you are gorgeous!" he cood, nose brushing down my middle, burying his face between my breasts, before moving to one of your nipples, sucking and biting at the soft flesh.

He delighted in the soft moans that escaped my lips before he started pinching my nipple with his right, cold hand, while his left, hot to the touch, cupped my other breast so he could latch onto my pebble again. I winced at the temperature difference, purest pleasure washing through my body like jolts of electricity. His palms were massaging me, brushing over my oversensitive skin as I slowly rolled my hips against him.

"Shōto," a choking gasp fell from my lips, "I want you, now..."

He hummed in approval before letting go of my mound, "You ready, baby?" I nodded.

"Really!?" He smirked, his hand, icy to the touch, trailed down my stomach, making my hair stand up until I felt him slide his finger over my swollen folds, caressing it with every stroke. As one of his fingers slid inside of me, I mewled at the size of it, so much thicker than mine. My eyelids fluttered with lust and I bit my lower lip to suppress more moans.

“Nuh-uh, no holding back” he teased and slipped yet another finger inside, as shameless moans kept falling from my mouth.

“You sound so sweet,” his thumb caught my clit, rolling circles into it, increasing his speed until my breathing became faster and my eyes rolled back in my head. He curled his fingers inside me, watching me react like it was pure electricity as he rubbed that sensitive spot inside of me. My pupils dilated and unfocused, I felt the knot inside myself beginning to tense up and my body started to shudder.

“Now you are ready,” he watched me as my perfect lips part, a soft longing moan vibrating from my throat.

Still in a foggy haze, I felt him withdraw his hands and spread my legs apart. His hips brushed against my thighs as he positioned himself in front of my sweet folds, rubbing his cock along my slit.

“So wet, you are perfect” he whispered, mesmerized by the sight of my essence dripping onto the sheets. He leaned forward, a hand on each side of my body as he gazed down at me.

“Look at me,” he whispered longingly and our eyes locked as he slowly pushed forward.

"Oh my god," I choked out, my lungs sucking in air and I raised my hips to make room as he started to fill me up inch by inch.

"Tell me if it’s too much.” He hissed as he carefully eased all the way in. I winced as I felt my wet walls stretching around his girth, clenching, sucking his cock all the way in. He panted in my neck, buried incredibly deep inside of me. My chest heaved as he carefully pulled out of me, then back all the way in. He started moving with slow, heavy thrusts until I was a whimpering mess below him. With every move I could feel the thick ridge of his cock rub against that one special spot on my gummy walls. He rolled his hips and I threw my arms around his neck, my nails digging deep into the soft skin of his back.

“You are incredible,” he groaned and I whimpered at his words, feeling myself clench tighter. Shōto took up the pace, now thrusting into me, his head falling forward, sweat rolling down his cheek.

“Please cum on me, baby,” he managed to get out between ragged breaths and my mind started to fog over as I felt the coil inside my core snap. I keened, shameless moans falling from my mouth as my mind exploded with pleasure. My body buckled under him, as continuous waves of pure pleasure washed over me. The way my cunt squeezed around him in the aftershocks of my orgasm had Shōto following me shortly after, bottoming inside me a final time as he came deep inside my quivering walls.

His hand found mine, fingers sliding between mine, intertwining as we both whispered words of love against each other's lips. We stayed like this until our hearts stopped racing and our breathing had calmed down. When he pulled his softening cock out of me he rested his head between my breasts, taking in the sweet scent of me.

“That was… beautiful,” he murmured into my damp skin and kissed it softly, “Can't wait for more.”

He laid down next to me and I nestled into his arms and rested my head on his chest. He stroked my hair gently and kissed the top of my head. We continued caressing each other, enjoying the moments of perfect harmony. After a while we got up and took a shower together, heated kisses falling under the steaming water. We made love over and over again until it was deep in the night. Our bodies sweaty and totally spent, we snuggled up to each other. His perfect nose ran circles along my neck as he whispered with heated breath “I love you.” I gazed into his grey and turquoise eyes and whispered my love back to him. Turning off the light, we quickly fell asleep in each other's loving embrace.

________________________________

Pt. 2

[silversatoru]

Hello! I wanted to request for a chubby reader x Levi oneshot. I feel like there aren’t many stories that have chubby readers ): As for the storyline, I’m not sure if it falls in the angst or hurt/comfort category. It would be the reader feeling insecure about themselves because they have a harder time training than the others (them blaming it on their own weight) and seeing how everyone is much thinner than them, they start avoiding food. To not make it look suspicious, they’d go into the kitchen alone and put the food away along with the left overs. The reader would act normal with Levi and he doesn’t suspect anything at first. Later on, the reader would push themselves harder to the point where they’d train on their own whenever they had to chance so they can lose weight and improve their training. At this point, Levi starts noticing the reader looking paler than usual and the slight difference in their weight. One day during training, the reader ends up fainting from exhaustion and dehydration. They wake up on Levis’s bed with him looking over them. He asks what happened and the reader lies by saying they didn’t drink enough water. Levi calls it bs and ask if they think he’s stupid and goes on to tell them about how they noticed the reader sneaking off into the kitchen with a plate and coming out without it. He didn’t think anything of it at first, but he started putting the pieces together. They end up telling Levi the truth, the way they feel towards themself and how they don’t like the fact that they’re bigger than Levi. He comforts the reader and lets them know that they’re an idiot for thinking that way, etc. Thank you! I’m so sorry if it sounds so cheesy!

hello dear!! i dont think your idea was cheesy at all, i love it actually. these kind of issues live very close to my heart, so writing about them is always really fun for me. that being said,, this fic definitely got very dark and very real, and i would advise everyone to read the warnings before deciding to read this <33

empty

levi ackerman x gn!reader

synopsis: levi catches you skipping meals and does what he can to help

tags/warnings: eating disorder, skipping meals, hurt/comfort, but it does have a happy ending! 

word count: 2.2k 

Throbbing headaches and hollow, gnawing pains in your stomach — they’ve quickly become your new normal. You see everything through a hazy fog these days, nothing feels real and everything hurts but it’s worth it — that’s what you keep saying to yourself. You’re tired of lacking the same agility, momentum, and grace that your thinner counterparts have. 

Your weight was always something that ate away at the back of your head, but joining the scout regiment multiplied it tenfold. You were constantly working twice as hard as your fellow scouts, and it seemed like it was never enough. Everyone around you was not only ridiculously athletic, but so fucking thin. You didn’t hate your comrades for their bodies and the way they were born, but you made up for it by inflicting all of the hate onto yourself.

You wonder if anyone notices your zombie eyes or the abnormal paleness to your face — god, you hope they don’t. The last thing you want to do is have to confront your feelings and admit what you’ve been doing lately. Every night you shamefully sneak back into the kitchen and pour your plate of food into the large pot of leftovers. You pick at food here and there when your friends are watching, but behind closed doors you haven’t eaten much of anything lately. Your body is running on empty, and it’s only a matter of time before it fully catches up to you. 

You hear your last name echo from across the training fields, slowly turning around to see an angry captain sulking towards you. His face was twisted into an unpleasant grimace, his eyebrows knitted together into what almost looked like concern. 

“I’m excusing you from the remainder of training, leave,” his words were flat, but there was a subtle emotional edge. 

“Sorry, what?” you gave him a confused look — Captain Levi never excused anyone from training, not unless they were practically on their deathbed. 

“Go home, and eat a big dinner tonight, your energy has been less than adequate lately,” his face softened slightly, “I expect you to be back to normal by tomorrow. Your skills and abilities are needed here, so go get some rest and be better tomorrow, yeah?”

“But, I-,” you stammered, trying to come up with some kind of valid excuse. 

“That’s an order, cadet”. 

His words surprised you, and before you could even rack your brain for an appropriate way to respond, he was turned on his heels and walking away. You swallowed thickly, your throat dry and stuffed full with anxiety. 

Reluctantly, you followed his orders and made your way back to the Scout’s base early. You grabbed a stack of fresh clothing from your room before heading to the showers and scrubbing yourself free of all the sweat and grime from training. You were careful to avoid mirrors when you navigated bathrooms, and tonight was no exception, your eyes glued to the tiled floor. After showering, you hesitantly walked to the kitchen, preparing a plate of food and bringing it back to your room.

That food stared you in the eyes for hours, taunting you and teasing you and making intense nausea creep up your spine.  Tears were stinging the backs of your eyes and your lungs were shaking with heavy, anxiety-filled breaths. You couldn't do it, and you were overwhelmed with shame and guilt. If you couldn’t do it for Levi, you were hopeless that you’d be able to do it for anyone, never mind for yourself. 

After making countless pitiful attempts to take a bite of your untouched meal, you decided it was going back into the leftover pot — just like everything else. The other scouts should have returned and been sleeping by now anyway, you’d just silently creep down the hallway, dump the food, and creep back, no harm no foul. 

Except for that a certain short, dark-haired captain was standing at the end of the hallway — you didn't notice him, but he certainly noticed you. A boiling anger rippled up inside him as he felt an overwhelming disappointment in your actions. He’d been suspecting this kind of behavior for a while now, but watching you tip-toe down the hall and into the kitchen with an uneaten plate of food confirmed all of his suspicions. 

You could barely crawl out of bed the next morning, your ribs aching and your head pounding with a dull pain. You grasped at your tall dresser, catching your balance as you dangerously swayed back and forth for a few seconds. After regaining consciousness and stability you carefully changed into your uniform, having to stop and take breaks every few seconds because you were running out of breath. Your body felt utterly devoid of any kind of energy, and you wondered — when was the last time I actually ate something? 

It was far enough back that you couldn’t quite remember, maybe a few days at this point, you really weren’t sure anymore. You’d have to suck it up for training though, because the last thing you wanted was to be confronted by the captain again. 

You chugged back a full glass of water before lacing up your boots and throwing on a convincing facade. People don’t seem to notice something is wrong as long as you're smiling, laughing, and going along with what they say — it’s easy enough to fly under the radar of your fellow scouts. 

Levi’s radar is a little sharper though, and he keeps a close eye on you from the second you walk up to the training grounds. He’s disappointed in your hand to hand combat — it’s sloppy, slow, predictable. Your hands look shaky too, and maybe it's the light playing tricks on him but it looks like the color is draining from your face. 

Things are feeling deplorable on your side — you can barely stand anymore, never mind throw punches or avoid the oncoming attacks. Your vision was starting to tunnel, foggy black surrounding your periphery as you began to lose feeling in your fingertips. You tried desperately to cling onto whatever semblance of consciousness you had left, but failed miserably, your body collapsing to the hard earth beneath you. 

The soft glow of warm candles illuminated the walls around you when you finally woke up from the earlier incident. This wasn’t your room, where the hell were you? You uncomfortably shifted to the side and flinched when you saw your captain sitting in a chair in front of you. His arms were crossed and one of his legs was propped on top of the other, an icey look in his eyes.

“What happened today?” His words were very short and his tone was flooded with irritation — he didn’t even give you a chance to take in your surroundings.

“Ah- I didn’t sleep well last night,” you lied, “And maybe I haven’t been drinking enough water or something”. 

“I’m offended that you think I would fall for such a pitiful lie,” He clicked his tongue off the roof of his mouth, “I saw you sneak into the kitchen last night, how long have you been doing that?” 

Your eyes grew wide with anxiety, your heart abruptly dropping to the floor — you made sure to go extra late last night, why the hell was he still up?

You stayed quiet for a moment, pondering over how honest you should be with Levi right now. The two of you had always been a little closer than he was with the other scouts, but unfortunately there was no room for things like love in this world. You also assumed that maybe he never reciprocated your feelings because of your weight — but that was just more toxic fuel to the fire blossoming in your head. 

“Pretty long,” you sighed, ultimately deciding to be fully honest with him, because knowing Levi, he’d continue to see right through your lies anyway. 

“I figured,” He grumbled, uncrossing his legs and leaning back into his chair, “Why?” 

“Everyone around me is thin, I stick out. And, I’m not as agile or flexible as the other scouts either. I just thought that maybe...,” you bit down hard on your bottom lip, rolling onto your back so you wouldn’t have to look at him, “I thought my weight bothered you too, and also that I’d be more useful to the scouts if I was skinnier”. 

“You think I’d like you better if you were dead?” Levi was leaning closer now, heat boiling in his eyes, “Because that’s where you’re headed right now. If you truly think you’ll be more helpful to the scouts when you’re six feet under, you’re delusional. And who the hell gave you the idea that your weight bothered me?”

His harsh words were cold slap in the face, your eyes burning and threatening to spill over with tears. You didn’t want to die, not really, you just didn’t want to hate yourself anymore. 

“No one! I don’t know, I just thought, maybe because I was bigger than you-,” You continued to stammer over your words, tears beginning to leak down your cheeks. 

“It doesn’t matter,” he waved you off, not wanting to push the issue further, “You’re wrong, and I’m hurt that you’d even think that. I’ve never once thought that you were anything other than the way you should be”.

“I’m sorry,” your voice was weak and shaky, but your heart was pounding against your chest at his words. 

“I’m not the person you should be apologizing to, that’s something you owe to yourself” he shook his head and stood up to retrieve two small bowls of food from a nearby table, “I brought you something to eat”.

You watched him intently, pondering over his words about apologizing to yourself.

“It’s only a bowl of soup, so you can start small, yeah?” He offered one of the bowls to you, which you hesitantly took into your hands as you sat up. 

He sat down again across from you again, leaning back and taking a sip of broth from his bowl. You were grateful that he was here, that he was eating with you — it made things a little easier. You grasped the spoon in your hands and scooped up some brothy vegetables before lifting them into your mouth. 

“Good, finish the bowl,” nodded at you, giving you a reassuring look and lifting his own bowl to his lips again. 

The two of you ate in silence until you were finished, and then he sat the bowls back on his nightstand before finding a seat next to you on his bed. 

“Stay here tonight,” he stared at you with his signature tired eyes, but there were hints of concern laced through them now, “We’ll have breakfast together in the morning”. 

“Okay,” you gave him a weak nod, trying desperately to bottle up your growing emotions, but they were becoming too much to bear. 

Small sobs began to rack through your body, your chest tightening and your stomach lurching with anxiety. You were experiencing so many feelings tonight — eating for the first time in days and being here with Levi, it was overwhelming to say the least. 

You could barely see the captain through your blurry vision, but you could feel his arms maneuver themselves around you and pull you against his chest. You stayed like that for a while, Levi’s arms delicately holding you in place while quiet sobs worked their way out of your lips. 

“You’ve dug yourself into a deep hole, I won’t lie to you,” you heard him let out a tired sigh, “And it’s gonna take time and effort for you to dig your way out, but you’ll get there. We’ll start by having breakfast and dinner together every night, how does that sound? Just you and me, no one else has to watch”. 

You nuzzled a tiny nod into his chest, your tears finally running dry. It was a terrifying thought, eating normal again, but you were starting to feel hopeful that you might actually be able to do it. 

And so the two of you met every morning and every evening for your scheduled meals, and day by day things began to get easier. You even found yourself staying over in Levi’s room after dinner and into the morning for breakfast sometimes. Spending so much time together was definitely pushing the two of you to address the feelings you’d been hiding for so long. 

But not everything was perfect, it would be irrational to think it would be. You still have bad nights, where eating is so hard you break down into tears, and where you want nothing more than to rid yourself of the food in your system. It’s a draining process, but Levi works hard to make sure you stay on track with your progress. 

It’s slow, but eventually your face starts to glow again, your skin gets smooth and soft, and the aching pains in your body start to fade. Your war with your body is far from over, but you’re doing what you can, and you’re healing yourself one day at a time.

thank u for reading this, and now i would like to give you a gentle reminder to do something nice for your body today. eating disorders and mental illnesses are huge mountains to climb over, but taking things one day at a time makes it a little easier. try and eat a meal today (even if it’s small), go to sleep early and get some rest, take a shower and rub lotion all over your legs so they feel nice against your blankets when you lay in bed. baby steps are better than no steps at all, so be patient with yourself. n go drink some water, ur body loves that shit

[huenjin]

quarter past midnight.

pairing: chan x reader | breakup!au

word count: 6.107 words

genre: angst, smut

tw: heartbreak and break ups, reader is confused af, nsfw content — cunnilingus, overstimulation blowjobs, deep throating, face fucking, unprotected sex. this is just some angsty smut.

note: an old work i edited because i needed to write something angsty with chan and hurt myself, yes. <3

apartment 5005.

you stare at the door for as long as you know, your heart tingling, stretching apart to tear and shatter within you and you know this for sure — you are clearly mad. you are absolutely crazy, but love makes people do crazy things. beyond love, survival instincts to protect oneself in the long run makes people do disastrous things. you are confused, lost and heartbroken. isn't that why you are here? for some clarity in this mist that fogs your mind.

you insert the duplicate key you had into the keyhole and open the door to the abode you once called home, not because it was four walls that provided you shelter but because bang chan lived there.

it was the spring of 2016 when you had fallen in love with this man - the entirety of this man with a crooked smile so cute and a giggle that could open dimensions to him. he stood before a cherry blossom tree with two cones of ice cream, one for you and one for him and asked you out on a date —"let's watch cherry blossoms together, y/n," - and you agreed with not much reluctance. because you were enamoured of chan at the very first glance. a little boy with endless passion and boundless potential all ready to win your heart.

it was a gradual fall from there — falling in love with chan was so easy, so precious. every small action of chan's made you fall for him harder and the fall was steep. you toppled and tumbled happily but the impact of the crash was hard.

It was hard enough for you to have forgotten what breathing was. It was claustrophobic in a room that was wider than an average one. bang chan slowly seemed to have no time for you. so caught up with his own life and to sort that out, he took out his anger at you, the anger he bottled up in front of all the people — almost as if that was normal. funnily, you thought it was normal.

chan loved you. chan loves you. there was no way anything could have changed. the emotions were strong — the emotions are strong — however, it almost seemed like it was contaminated. like the strong colour of potassium permanganate that changes the whole liquid. so exactly, where in the world did you go wrong? how did your relationship reach this stage — this strained stage of your threads ready to snap and let go?

and staring at his open door, you want to know the answer.

you had walk in the rain to reach here. the weather was disastrous. it had rained heavily enough to make you feel more void than you already felt. the rain had hit your body with a certain impact that momentarily snapped you back to reality; yet, you are quick to drift away. with every step you had taken, the world feels like time had drifted to the past, aeons away. the rain merely grows even more intense and your heart sinks.

the rain has left you drenched. your hair strands stick to each other with droplets of water falling from the ends. your vision was blurry and all you had know was to get to chan quicker than ever. like your body being pulled to a force. you had to reach bang chan quick, to ache this void.

and when you do, your heart skips a beat. you take a step back as an act of cowardice and you do not want to knock on his door. you stand in front of his room, puddles of water collecting by your foot from the water that drips from your clothes and your hair. how could you knock when you were conflicted yourself? you couldn't leave chan but you know you had to if you wanted to try finding happiness again. probably with the man himself years later when you both grow up.

it was in the winter of 2016 that you grew to love bang chan for the person he was. that you knew were in love. the innocent, star-eyed boy waited in front of your house unexpectedly in the strong winds of winter. when you come back home late after your work at the grocery store, you find him there, still waiting for you. your heart had ached for the man who sat in front of your house, leaning against your door with his body shivering and his teeth clattering. he was half asleep, holding onto his thick overcoat tightly in an attempt to escape the cold.

"chan," you had called out to him. "chan, baby, wake up."

his delicate eyelids had fluttered open only to see you. the man quickly sprung to his feet, stumbling and losing his balance for a split second. chan fell into your arms and nuzzled himself into your warmth. he looked delicate and everything chan usually tended to not display - of vulnerability, a certain pastel and ethereal kind.

and when his pale arms had wrapped around your waist carefully and weakly and you held him up, you knew for sure that this always chirpy and optimistic man (albeit all the layers of insecurities he had) was going to steal your heart. and he did.

probably that is why it is so hard for you to knock on his door now. the fact that you could set the world on fire with the love you had for him and yet you knew that you had to untie the knot you had in your relationship to find happiness for a while. to find yourself all over again.

after much thought, you knock on his door. you feel cold, both physically and mentally. the water you are drenched in is soaking into your being and you know you are going to catch a cold for sure tomorrow. however, that is the least of your concerns at the moment.

the door is pulled open only for you to come face to face with the man you have fallen so in love with.

bang chan's face instantly morphs into one of concern as soon as he sees you drenched in the rain. he catches hold of your arm and pulls you into his small studio room of his. he wraps his arms around you, pulling you into his warmth. you nuzzle into his chest and he gently rubs your back. 

"are you crazy?" he asks so softly, that it almost does not feel like he is scolding you. "you walked all the way here in the rain. you are most definitely crazy."

you do not respond, however. chan holds you close and notices your silence. you tug at his shirt and chan keeps you close. it's this warmth you reckon you will miss. for the years you step back, you'll feel like a tourist. you pull apart and you look at him with tears in your eyes, "chan."

he looks at you worriedly. this isn't normal. this isn't normal. this is definitely not normal. you take a step back before continuing, "i'm leaving you."

there. you said it. it's out in the open and you hear it out loud too. the thought that screamed in your head is finally freed and normally, you should have felt lighter. so why is it that you have never felt your heart heavier than this?

you had promised yourself that you wouldn't shed tears yet here you are, unable to stop all those droplets falling from your eyes like a cascade of all those memories. 

"what?" chan looks broken.

"i can't do this anymore, chan," you say, looking down, shifting your balance from one foot to another. "it's heartbreaking to be in this relationship. every time i take one step forward now, you hardly have the time to even take two steps back."

"you know my work entitles me to this lifestyle," chan reasons. his voice is cracking and seeing chan this hurt merely makes you want to go to him and shelter and protect him for as long as you live. however, that very act makes you feel lost. not right now. what the two of you need at this minute is a break.

"i know," you look at him with guilt. "i know and yet i can't help but feel a little bit nervous of you never being there. i can't help but realise that your career is definitely way more important to you than i am. i understand that but i can't help but realise that maybe you don't love—"

"don't." chan's voice turns icy. he takes a step forward and you shudder at that moment. why did things turn out like this? why could the two of you not be like any other normal couple out there?

"stay, baby," chan pleads. his hands hold your arms fiercely and he leans over to look at you in your eyes. "i beg of you. stay. we'll make this work, somehow."

"how much more can the two of us try, chan?"

"enough to make this work. you promised me a lifetime of happiness. don't go back on your promise, baby. please."

chan is vulnerable, like a glass ready to crumble into fine dust and you realise how human this man — who seemed to be very nonchalant once — was all his life. in all the time you had dated him, chan had been rarely vulnerable and every time you saw him like that, it made you wonder how the world could ever be cruel to him to put him in such a state. the joke is on you this time for it is you who was hurting the one man you never wanted to let go of, the one man you never wanted the world to hurt.

"i'm hurting, chan. every day i go back home waiting for that one call of yours that never comes. i lay in bed wondering how it was perfect only months back when you pulled me close and rested your head on top of mine as we drifted to sleep. chan, we are not working," you gesture at the two of you, "this relationship is strained, toxic and potentially damaging to our mental wellbeing."

you are crying. your eyes burn and your cheeks are wet. chan looks at you in a shock. his eyes are red and he takes a step back from you, dropping his hands on either side of his body. he looks lifeless for a split moment and you are hurting too much to sort this issue out.

"do you want me to let you go?"

"yes," you say with much pain and sorrow from every word that can rip you away from chan.

"okay." chan takes two steps forward, edging closer to you, "okay. but do me one last thing before leaving me."

you look up at him, wondering if it could be anything that could revoke more memories and hurt you more than it already was. chan couldn't do that. he was in pain too. the two of you manage to be hurting at the same time.

"stay with me tonight. one last time before i say goodbye."

chan closes into you and cups your face delicately. he leans close enough for you to feel his breath fan on your face. his eyes are glassy and they shine in the light. his brown eyes with specks of chestnut hues look pretty. he is so devastatingly pretty. 

how is that chan looked so painstakingly pretty to you right before you were about to leave him?

"chan," you sigh his name out like an airy breath of fresh morning hopes. "no."

"why?"

"because then i would want to stay," you whisper into nothing. your heart strings drum and beats quicker. your eyes burn so badly and you want to leave instantly and cry out loudly.

chan presses his lips against yours instantly. his softness melts into yours as you kissed him and he to you like nothing else mattered. you sigh within and bring your hands up only to find home in his soft brown hair. he is everywhere, infiltrating your mind slowly and creeping into everything subconscious.

every contact of his reminds you of everything you had and everything you were ready to miss out on. chan leans closer, and suddenly he is kissing you harder, deeper with a fervent urgent need you had never known.

"chan," you pull away and lean back slightly. "chan, what are we doing?"

"let me make you stay," he whispers into the crook of your neck, sending a shiver down your spine.

"but I won't stay," you mumble, sadly. "i can't."

"then, allow me one night to remember everything," chan rasps out. his mouth has found its way to your neck. parting his mouth sinfully, he latches onto the skin at the crook of your neck and sucks. your eyelids close and your eyes roll back.

with chan, it is the small oblivious bliss. with chan, it is possession and yet not. with chan, it is being loved and cherished. with chan, you feel complete and yet crave for so much more.

like the air you blow into a balloon with a hole.

you pull chan closer by his hair and you hear him moan against your skin, the shudder of euphoria running down your spine and only enhancing the heat you felt at your core. yout body needs him as much as your mind craves his being.

chan pulls apart and looks at you, studying your face, every curve and every dip. he wants to remember everything. he begins, "i—" but never continues. rather, he holds your waist and lifts you up. your legs wrap around his waist automatically and almost in an instinct. you wrap your hands around his neck and lean forwards.

your cold thumb grazes the expanse of his cheekbone and your chest contracts. everything is too painful. chan's hand squeezes your waist and you lean forward for your foreheads to touch.

chan still smells like fresh morning with mist and beautiful dew. you blink the tears that threaten to spill as you cup his face. you peck his lips, once, twice and again till you can remember how his lips were with your eyes closed.

chan parts his lips for a sigh and you kiss him. you press your lips against his and you feel him loosen, his arms still on your waist, but this time, his fingers grazed ever so slightly. you let out a whimper when he pulls apart. 

the next thing chan does is take you to his bed. He carefully walks across his room, still carrying you and you're looking at him. you look at chan's eyes and you look at his nose. you study his face and your heart aches with every minute you stay.

he places you delicately on his bed and and you watch him stand and pull his shirt up to remove it. the moment seems familiar, the emotion however, is not. 

chan matches your body form and you instinctively arch upwards, moaning in the contact of his body heat against yours. you kiss him again and you feel him relax against you, lips softening as he permits you to take his lower lip between your teeth. you suck against his lower lip, moaning into his mouth as he pushes his tongue against yours.

chan's hands trace the sides of your torso, cradling your curves as he finds home in your neck. chan has always liked your neck. his licks, kisses and sudden bites only further enhances your point. your hands go to his hair as you hold him more firmly against you. the swelling of him beneath you makes you gasp and your thighs rub against each other.

chan pulls back for a minute, his fingers playing with the ends of your shirt. you whine greedily and move your hands to pull the shirt off your body. chan helps but he is so slow that you pause and look into his eyes. chan wants this moment to last forever. 

he removes the shirt off of you and looks at you, unsure when his fingers trail to your shorts. you place your hands over his and together, you unbutton your shorts. you pull yourself upwards and kissing chan, you say, "i'm staying the night, chan. i'll stay tonight."

the two of you discard the rest of your clothes, undergarments still on, only for him to pause and stare at your breasts, "how did i not notice you not wearing a bra when you were soaked in the rain?" and then he realizes how, pausing for a while. you quickly pull chan closer.

chan rushes to latch his lips back on your skin, sucking and kissing his way from the crook of your neck to the top of your left breast. you rock your hips against his, desperate for some friction. your clit has swollen, moisture already dampening the fabric of your panties.

chan's hands travel to your arse, squeezing the flesh beneath his fingers and grinding you down against the bulge growing in his boxers. a moan escapes your lips even before you could hold it and chan looks distinctly pleased.

"chan," you whine. "chan, please. i need you. touch. kiss. anything. please. i need you everywhere."

he smiles and removes the grasp on your arse, your skin feeling bruised over how tight he was holding you. his fingers trail upwards only to loop around the strap of your panties and he pulls it away from your body slightly only to release it. the strap hits against your skin and you wince. 

"you're so delectable," he mumbles and pulls your panties away. you rub your thighs together, feeling your wetness spread. his lips gently graze over your hip bones and land right over your clit, grazing it almost unnoticeably. the sudden contact leads you to grip on chan's arm and cover your mouth to smother your groans.

"do you like this, baby? do you want more of this?" he kisses the skin on your hips, so close to where you craved his attention. 

"chan—"

"you could have more of this if you stayed. y/n, just stay, please," he peppers more kisses around, moving his hands up and down your thighs.

"chan, no," you place your hands on his head, tangling your fingers into his hair. "i—"

"why not?"

and then chan's lips find your lower ones and you moan so loud that you didn't know you even had it in you. you pull his hair up of surprise and chan licks your lips up and down slowly and in the most gratifying manner.

"c-chan!"

he doesn't respond. he merely brings his hand down and places his thumb over your clit, pressing down on it as he licks you. he pulls apart to lightly kiss your inner thighs and the sudden loss of contact makes you whine.

"why can you not stay?"

"because it hurts to be with you when you're never around," you sigh, tears rolling down your cheek and chan looks at you from below. he sees you vulnerable and broken and he blames himself. he is as responsible for leading himself to this situation as much as you are.

he holds tight on to your thighs, pulling you closer to him as he plants soft kisses on your dripping core. he sucks and nibbles on the lips before parting them with his tongue, swiping one big stroke and resting on your sensitive nub.

"chan, more, please," you whimper. his sinful tongue feels like heaven on your hot core, and you leave your hands to move around to look for places to grip onto; moving from your hair, to the edge of the bedsheet, until they find their way to his hair again where you make your final grip. you always did like gripping on his hair during sex. it edges him and steers him to do as you pleased. you instantly entangle your fingers through the strands of his locks as you start to move your hips in the same motion as the movements which his lips and tongue are now making.

chan keeps his action of devouring you with hunger, moving his tongue skilfully in and out of you, humming as he went. the vibration only makes you edge a bit more. you close your eyes and focus on feeling him and his motion. and right at the moment, chan feels your grip on him getting tighter. when your whimpers sound more desperate, he moves two fingers inside your walls, curling deep while sucking at your clit. he keeps biting lightly at the swollen nub, making you cry out his name. the moment when he feels you tightening around his fingers, he latches his lips around your clit tightly and sucks, all while thrusting his fingers deep onto your sweet spot, relentlessly, until you see sea of stars from under your eyelids.

"ch—" your breathing shortens and you quake, "oh my god! baby!"

however, bang chan never stops; even when your whole body starts shaking and quivering on his bed. he continues the work of his fingers and his hot, sinful mouth all moving in the same pace, letting you ride out your high until it slowly subsides and you are left, gasping for air, on the brink of overstimulation.

chan finally lifts his head as you open your eyes and you notice. his lips glistening and his eyes sparkling. he runs his tongue across his lips, taking in the last of the remnants of your high. you gulp, admitting that the scene before you is hot. chan doing anything will always be hot.

"fuck my life, i'm so in love with you," chan says and your eyes widen.

"no," you mumble. "you should not be."

"isn't that my decision, baby?" chan says. you lean forward and holding onto his arm sockets, you move him backwards allowing yourself to climb on top of him. you position yourself over his leg and frantically pull his boxers down and away.

"you shouldn't though," you take his cock into your hands. chan stifles a moan. his fingers softly hold your head and stroking your hair as you tease him with your tongue on his shaft. your eyes keep looking up at his face while you drag a slow lick along the base of his member, before swirling your tongue around the tip, earning his subtle grunt and unsteady breaths while he looks at you with darkening eyes.

you lock your gaze on chan and dragging one excruciatingly slow lick, you take his head into your mouth before pulling apart almost instantly. you drag your tongue over your lips and tease, "tell me what you want, baby boy."

chan smiles widely at you and your sudden voice of confidence. he strokes the back of your neck and says, "i want you to stay."

"you're such a buzz—" 

"but i know you won't. so i'd rather, just for tonight, have you as a whole. i want your pretty little mouth on my cock, wrapped around it and sucking it. i want you to look like a mess, baby, for me."

you smile at him softly and almost apologetically. shaking your head of any sad thoughts, you place another kiss on the swollen tip of his cock, before giving a long and slow lick at the base of his shaft, coating his member with your saliva, and finally take him completely in your mouth. you hum gladly as your lips move and sink down slowly, adjusting yourself to the size of him, only stopping once you feel his tip touching the back of your throat. the depth and your constant move gifts you with a couple of deep groans coming out of his own lips. you look up to see him, supporting himself up and leaning his head back, enjoying the way your mouth is sucking him tightly. once you are adjusted to the size of his girth, the muscles around your jaw relax a little, permitting you to move your head and sink down low. hollowing your cheeks, you keep sucking him on your way up with flattened tongue, stopping by the time you reach his tip only to sink yourself back down.

"fuck, fuck. fuck, y/n, baby. your mouth feels euphoric," chan groans, his head dropping and his eyes screwing shut. you let out another hum in acknowledgement and respond with another bob of your head up and down his length.

the sound of his ragged breath and his whimpers makes you aware of how fucked out he was. you keep your pace while raking his thigh with your nails from one hand, while you use the other to cup and graze the skin of his scrotum and his uncovered base. until suddenly, he looks down on you while gently stroking the sides of your face with his thumbs before he moves his hips upwards, thrusting deeper into your mouth.

you gag in surprise with his length reaching all the way down to your throat. you whimper against his cock. you keep your tongue still flat and presses against the base of his cock to give him more sensation as he keeps fucking your mouth at a distinct pace. you hold on tightly onto his thighs, scoring them, ignoring the soreness on your jaw and throat to let him chase his high, until he finally explodes inside you. the sudden appearance of his thick, creamy release filling your mouth has you gagging. when chan slows down, you are finally able to carefully swallow every single drop, a few dripping down by the corners of your mouth.

"ah, fuck," he suspires, gradually slowing until he stops and pulls himself out of your mouth. "i'm so sorry— i'm sorry, baby," he tells you between his ragged breaths, sitting up and rubbing his thumb on your face and neck lovingly, over and over again. "did i hurt you? tell me i did not. fuck, i got carried away."

you take hold of his hand and kiss his knuckles, letting out a small chuckle. chan pulls you closer and hugs you and you sit in his warmth. you mumble against his chest, "i hate to be evil, but i hope that no one can give you a blow job or a mind-blowing sex like i could."

chan sighs and holds you tighter, "don't you already have me in your captive?"

the back of chan's hand moves around the edges of your face before he pulls you in and kisses you slowly. he touches the tip of his tongue to yours, teasing at first, before entwining your tongues together. his hand moves down your back and pulls you closer, your core pressed against his cock and you moan against his mouth.

"i'm going to make you come all night. when you tire out, i'll let you rest and have you again," chan whispers against your ear as he pulls apart from your lips.

this was why leaving chan was hard. he was addictive. the taste of his lips, the deep moan he exhaled when he deepened the kiss. you let him intertwine his tongue with yours, let him taste your mouth while you press your palms on his chest to feel his warmth. chan's hand runs freely over the curve of your arse, earning a gasp to escape from your lips, stopping the kiss unexpectedly.

he pushes you back once he had calmed down from his last high and climbs on top of you with a smirk, "i could eat you out again but good lord, you look so fucking delectable that i need to have my cock inside of you — right now."

you gulp and you feel your throat parching. he continues kissing you while settling himself between your shaky legs, groaning against your mouth the moment he could feel your wet folds brushing the tip of his shaft. he leans forward to catch your erect nipple between his lips. he did the same thing to the other breast.

he firmly holds your name and kisses every single part of your body, murmuring softly against your skin, "need to remember. need to remember. fuck, i need to remember you."

you cup his face softly and look at him, breathing slowly in order to force him to do the same, "chan, I love you."

"but you can't stay."

"i can't."

"i need to be inside of you. i need to remember how you felt. i need to engrave it till i know how much you've captivated me and left me miserable," he whispers softly between your kisses, and you buck your hips upward to meet his as a response. you are still mildly sensitive but so needy to feel him inside you.

exhaling, chan pushes his throbbing length between your swollen lips, ever so slowly delving into your hot sex with a low grunt and moan. you instantly hook one leg around his hip, placing both of your palms on his back as you guided him inside you. your soft, hot walls enveloped his length, pulling him in deeper as he thrust his hips against yours and when your being finally envelopes him, he grunts in content.

"i missed this so much," he whispers to you, pressing your foreheads together as you pant softly against his lips, trying to regulate your breathing. "i'll miss you, baby."

chan waits until you adjust yourself to his length. no matter how many times you have had sex with him, his girth still surprises you. you notify him by pecking on his lips with your eyes flickering up to him and staring at him with lust and want, and chan knows you are ready.

he moves slowly in and out of you in a calculated rhythm, almost like he was playing his own music, never looking away. he pulls his hips back and then thrusts forward, filling your hole as much as possible once your body recognises his being.

"fuck," chan grunts. beads of perspiration have formed on his neck and slowly they drop down and you watch. chan looks precious and for a minute there, you want to stay. you want to stay with chan forever, marry him and have his kids. you want to be there in his highs and lows. but you know you shouldn't. he deserved better and so did you.

"oh god, y/n," he moans, gripping your thigh harder. he keeps on grinding his shaft into your wetness with more fervour and all you could do is —

"chan!" 

scream his name out for everyone around to know.

he sighs, moving his hips into yours a bit faster as you begin to meet his thrusts with the movements of your hips. he lets go of you and drops both of his hands down to the bed on either side of you, holding himself up and increasing his range of motion; pulling nearly all the way out, then rocking forward to push all the way back into his base. 

your fingers keep holding tight on his shoulder and his upper arm, lightly scratching your nail on his skin. he leans down to press his mouth to you, kissing you hungrily. he moves into you harder and even faster, scrunching the sheets up under his palms while driving his shaft deep into you. 

your soft moans grow higher in pitch and you bite into your lower lip harshly. you become louder as you feel your high approaching. "chan, baby, fuck," you rasp out and chan kisses your clavicle and licks a stripe, leaving a bruise by its end.

"let go, baby," he moves his hands back on your hip with a tight grip, helping you to move in the same rhythm as his. you grip harder on his arms for leverage. you feel him grinding your clenching walls with his shaft inside of you until you can not take any more, and your entire body shakes from the second climax of the night.

chan starts to slow down yet keeps thrusting forward, so gently and disoriented. he smiles before kissing you deeply once again. he groans at the feeling of your walls clenching hard around his shaft, your orgasm lingering even after your body had stopped shaking so much. leaning down, chan presses his body hard on you while he kisses you, and you can feel his member throbbing within your depths and his heart pounding fast in his chest. his brown eyes look softer tonight and his eyes are glassy. you cup his face and kiss him repeatedly. you hold him steady while he pushes into you languidly. you can't seem to part with him — is this what love does?

you move your hips. you can feel your desire still dripping hot in your core and more than ready to continue on. "keep going. i want to feel you come inside me, chan."

his hips, hitting against your clit repeatedly, makes you woozy with tensed and excess euphoria. it is too much but you couldn't stop. you guide him into you, over and over again even when your walls seemed to scream out of exhaustion. you needed to feel chan in you, fill you up.

you wiggle your hips and raise them to meet his warmth. smiling, you bend your knees up to help him reach his high quicker.

you hold onto the moment he starts to move his hips one more time, drilling inside of you with both of his hands planted on the bed once again for grip. this time, you keep your eyes opened. you gasp and enjoy how beautiful his toned body looks, moving above you fluidly. silently admiring how his skin is glowing from the illuminating moonlight which enters the room through the opened windows, how they had fallen perfectly on his sweaty chest against the background music of the rain hitting the window panes.

you let your eyes capture its beauty, memorising him and everything else the best you still could in your mind. just so you could keep the image of him making love to you for as long as you possibly could in your memories. after all, this is it. this was the end of the lane, the last page in the chapter you shared with him.

you graze chan's chin and watch how he moves into you. you close your eyes for a second - just for a second - to hear distinctly of the squelching sound of his cock entering you and his hips slapping against yours.

he tilts his head and gives you a few sloppy kisses by the edges of your neck and then your mouth. your eyes screw shut with the overload of euphoria. you are oversensitive and tears spill out from your eyes. chan thrusts a few more times into you before reaching his own orgasm that washes over him like a wave. you feel his cock pulsate and a shiver of pleasure runs down your spine. his movements become slower. he grunts and moans in each motion of his and you lean forward to kiss him. after a few deep and long kisses, he steadies himself and pulls out of you carefully. he kisses you a few more times — your lips, neck, clavicles, breasts and everywhere.

chan falls besides you and sighs. he cups your face and looks at you. your eyes are closing in exhaustion and you whimper, "i'll miss this."

chan remembers that this is the last time and pulls you closer, a lone treacherous tear falling on your face. he watches you carefully and you softly smile, "you should sleep. you have practice tomorrow."

"no, it's my last day with you. i'd rather watch you than waste time sleeping," he sounds sad and you move closer into his warmth.

"i really do love you, chan."

"i know and so do i. our circumstances just weren't right. don't beat yourself to it," he mumbles, pushing a strand of your hair from your face.

"nor should you. promise me that you won't overwork yourself?"

"i—"

"chan!"

"just go to sleep, baby. you look tired. i love you," chan coos and you yawn almost immediately. he laughs and rubs your back soothingly and you fall asleep. chan does too, soon after.

and when his eyelids part the next morning, the bed feels cold and his heart feels the void. you are gone and chan is lonely as he has been always.

[xbaepsae]

it’s complicated (m)

“You are long past the point of no return. The rational part of you is screaming that this is a terrible idea, that this is bound to ruin your friendship with Tae. But you can’t find it in yourself to really care. You want him, so badly you are about to burst.”

[taehyung x reader]

genre: friends with benefits!au, eventual friends to lovers!au, a lot of angst, smut

word count: 14.4k

rating: mature

warnings: loss of virginity, toxic relationship, confused/frustrated characters, unprotected sex (10/10 don’t recommend), oral, creampie, language, mentions of alcohol

a/n: this is a reupload! i honestly wasn’t going to post this fic again, because i have so many other new ideas i want to write about, but i reread this the other day and it’s actually so good?? lol. i wrote it so long ago, but wowowow i still felt the angst in my soul. also, fyi, like all of my reuploads, i’ve changed a few things (not the overall plot tho). xoxo

It all began in tenth grade English class.

At first, Kim Taehyung seems any other kid in your class—perhaps, a little loud at times but still just a boy. But that was just until you were partnered with him on a project. Least to say, you two became fast friends once you realized how funny the guy was. He could bring a smile to your face no matter the circumstances.

This friendship between you two blossomed quickly; but soon, there’s a slight shift in the air around you both.

“Y/n,” Taehyung says your name, sprawled on your bed with you.

It’s summertime, which means days seem to drag on and on. This also means that you two have nothing better to do, choosing to lazily lounge around each other’s houses. Your parents are never home anyway since they worked, so having Tae’s company is always greatly appreciated.

But despite the lackluster summer, school starts in a few weeks and the thought is bittersweet. You are happy to be occupied again, but also sad since going back to school means you no longer get to spend so much time with Taehyung. Although you both became close at school, that doesn’t mean you’ll always get to be around each other there.

“What?” you ask, turning to look at him.

“So, this might sound a little weird…but…” he trails off. “Fuck. I can’t; it’s too weird.”

You turn so you’re lying on your side, “What is it, Tae? We’re friends, right? You can tell me anything.”

Taehyung glances at you, clearly struggling with himself.

“I-I…can I kiss you?” he asks the question so fast you think maybe you just imagined it. But when you notice that his face is beat red, you realize that you did hear him right. This causes you to flush as well, a weird sensation beginning to bubble through your body.

“Where is this coming from?” you manage to ask him.

“I don’t know,” Tae admits with a shrug.

You find yourself shifting awkwardly on the bed as silence starts to fill the room. What are you supposed to say? Taehyung is your friend; you enjoy being around him and he makes you smile. But he wants to kiss you…what is that even supposed to mean?

“You know what?” he suddenly breaks the ice. “Forget I even said—”

“Okay,” you cut him off fast, not even fully registering what you say.

Taehyung snaps his head to you, mouth dropping, “What?”

“I said okay—you, I mean, we can kiss.”

You say all of this relatively calm, despite the fact that you feel like your whole body is on fire. Tae stares into your eyes, seemingly searching for something. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah,” you gulp nervously. “I mean, this is just for fun, right?”

Something passes over Taehyung’s eyes, but you don’t catch it fast enough. The emotion fades away and you can only assume it didn’t mean anything.

“Yeah…fun,” he says, licking his bottom lip.  

Unintentionally, your eyes travel down to his plump lips and you can’t seem to look away. Has he always had such nice lips? You find yourself asking all these questions that you don’t even notice how close Tae has gotten to you, merely inches away. His breath gently fans across your face and the reality of the situation hits you. This is going to be your first kiss…ever. And to say you are freaking out would be an understatement. It’s not that you so much oppose the idea of kissing, you just haven’t met the right guy.  

Looking into the eyes of your friend, you feel warmth flood your cheeks. “Tae…”

He blinks, “Yes?”

“Have you ever kissed someone?” The question rolls off your tongue.

Instead of answering your question, Tae does something else you don’t expect. Of course, you know it was going to happen eventually, but the action simultaneously takes your breath away and surprises you.

He kisses you.

Your eyes close on their own accord, reveling at how soft his lips are as they cover yours. A part of you almost can’t believe that you’re kissing him—Kim Taehyung; your friend, the boy you do everything with. What’s most unbelievable is that you actually like kissing him.

As the kiss becomes deeper, you feel yourself being pushed against the bed; Tae’s body covering half your own. You open your mouth a little wider, letting his tongue press against your own. His hands are now on each side of your body, slightly tangled in your hair. After a while you pull away, gasping for air.

“Oh my god,” you mutter breathlessly, blowing some air out of your mouth.

Taehyung is still above you.; and when you look into his eyes, you almost jerk away. “Y/n…”

“Hmm?” you ask, shy all of the sudden.

And then it hits you—he probably thinks your unexperienced ass is a bad kisser. This thought makes you feel like a total fool. It’s just flat out embarrassing because you surprisingly liked kissing him and he thought you—

“Can I kiss you again?”

You almost fall off your bed. “What?”

He lowers his head until his hair brushes your face, “I’d like to kiss you again…”

At his words, you can feel your whole body flush from a mixture of relief, excitement, and embarrassment.

“So…I’m not a bad kisser?” you find yourself asking.

Tae snaps his gaze to you, “What would you think that?”

“I-I,” you feel your ears getting hot, “I don’t know. I just thought that since…you know…I’ve never kissed someone, I probably sucked.”

Before you can explain yourself some more, he captures your lips again—effectively silencing you. This kiss is a lot quicker than the first one, but it leaves you just as dizzy and at a loss for words.

“You’re great,” he says, a cheeky smile gracing his face. You can’t help but return the smile since his is just so contagious.

The rest of this day is spent with more so-called just-for-fun kisses. The highly rational part of you claims that this is all normal—that making out with your friend is completely fine; but the emotional part of you knows that everything will never be the same—that making out with your friend is sure to have its consequences.

***

When school starts again, you almost forget about Taehyung’s kisses.

The keyword is: almost.

In your busy school schedule, you manage to somehow snag a free period. It’s a godsend, especially since you needed a study hall period to balance all the homework you had. Since it was a free period, you can spend the hour anywhere in the school. And you end up choosing one of the back corners of the library where the reference books are.

No one ever comes to this part of the library anyway, except for the librarian but that was rare. So, it’s nice and quiet. You spend the first few days of study hall doing what study hall is supposed to be used for—studying and completing homework. But as the end of the first week rolls around, you discover that study hall might not be so quiet anymore.

This particular day of study hall starts off normal. You arrive at the library, which is pretty much empty except for a few scattered students here and there, and make your way to the corner you’ve pretty much claimed as your own. When you reach that part of the library, you set your things down and pull out your homework. Just as you start the fifth problem on your calculus worksheet, someone suddenly covers your eyes.

You let out a scream, but it’s muted by a hand. You begin to furiously kick and you turn around, prepared to fight. And just as you bring your hands up, your eyes regain their sight and you see who is responsible for the unexpected attack.

“Taehyung!” you scream, and he covers your mouth again.

“Be quiet, y/n!” he reprimands. “Don’t you know this is a library?”

With his hand still over half your face, you roll your eyes. When he finally removes his hand, you roughly shove the boy. “What the fuck, Tae?!”

“What?” he asks rather innocently.

“What?” you mock. “Why did you have to do that? Can’t you see I’m busy?”

He just shrugs and takes a seat beside you, “I just wanted to surprise you, that’s all.”

You return your attention back to your worksheet, ignoring him. You manage do a few more problems before Tae speaks again. “Aren’t you going to ask me why I’m here?”

You don’t even look up. “I honestly don’t care.”

“I mean, are you not the least bit curious as to why I’m not in class right now?”

“No, I don’t care why you’re not—” you snap your head up. Holy shit. “Why aren’t you in chemistry?”

The moment you two received your schedules, you compared classes. Unfortunately, you both wouldn’t share any classes together until after winter break. And while you had your free period, Taehyung was supposed to be in chemistry…so, why is he here in the library?

When he doesn’t respond, you freak out a bit, “Oh my god, Tae! Why are you skipping class? Your teacher is going to be so—”

Taehyung interrupts you by suddenly placing a chaste kiss in your lips. You’re struck speechless for a moment, completely caught off guard.

“I switched my class,” he says with a smile.

“Why did you do that?”

“So I could do this for a whole hour,” he says, then places another kiss on your lips.

You laugh at his words, “You know we can’t actually do that, right? I really need this study hall to do homework.”

He absentmindedly waves his hand, “Yeah, yeah—you can do that too, I guess.”

“Are you serious though? You really changed your class just to come here and make out with me?” As you ask your questions, you are just teasing him. But at the same time, a smidge of you feels a bit dejected if all he wants to do is kiss you.  

Not that you didn’t like kissing Taehyung, because all the kissing you two had been doing is great, but it made your relationship seem superficial if that was the only reason.

“Of course not,” he assures you. “I also really just want to spend time with you too. To go from spending every day together to practically not seeing each other is weird.”

“Agreed,” you smile. “How did you find me anyway?”

It was a logical question. Although Tae did know before that you had study hall, you never told him where exactly you spent your days.

“I just followed you from your last class,” he says like it’s nothing, but your eyes widen.

Another what the fuck leaves your mouth as you stare at your friend, “You’ve been in here the whole time?”

“I mean, I had to find where you were somehow,” he tells you. “By the way, you walk so damn fast.”

You roll your eyes at the boy, not understanding him at all. Even though he had unconventional ways of doing things, in the end, he still made you smile. For the rest of the hour, you somehow find the time to finish your math worksheet in-between the kisses that Taehyung keeps giving you. When the bell rings, signaling the end of the hour, you begin to back up your things.

“Where you headed to now?”

You look at Tae and tell him where, even though he knows the answer already, “English. You?”

Health. “Health.”

“Well, I hope you enjoy that…”

“The teacher isn’t that bad,” he smiles as you give him a look.

“He’s terrible,” you say. “End of discussion.”

Taehyung picks up his bag, smile still ever present, “Just because you didn’t make an A—”

“End of discussion.”

You sling you backpack around your back and begin to walk away. But before you can even get far, something pulls you back. You land right onto Taehyung’s chest; being this close to him, you can feel the slight muscle definition under his flimsy uniform and warmth pools in your chest.

“What?” you ask, turning around.

“Have a good rest of your day,” he says. “See you here tomorrow?”

Nodding, you open your mouth to respond, only to be interrupted by Tae’s kiss that he gives before dashing away. He leaves you alone scattered brain and at a loss for words.

“…See you,” you say once your brain can finally function again. “Tomorrow.”

***

Afternoons spent in the library become something you look forward to everyday.

Even though it’s only an hour, it’s an hour you cherish with Taehyung. Some days, all you do is homework—completely ignoring the poor boy who simply wanted your attention; and other days, you two talk and talk and talk about anything and everything. There is never a dull, quiet moment between you two. There is always something to be shared; to be told.

Because of this, your admiration for the boy grows more and more each day.

You are captivated by the stories he tells you in that vacant part of the library. From the way his animated eyes light up to the wide curve of his boxy grin, an hour never feels long enough. As he tells you his stories, all you can do is stare and smile. You’ve only known Taehyung for a few months, but it feels like you two have been friends forever.

…Friends who kiss, a little voice in your head always likes to remind you.

Kissing. You two are doing that quite a lot now. Every chance he has, he plants his lips on to yours. The action makes you swoon and confused all at the same time. You just don’t get it. It’s not that you don’t enjoy all the kissing, but it’s confusing. Does Taehyung like you? Or does he not? And it’s that you want to be with him, as his girlfriend…though perhaps a small part of you does, but you want him to be clear about his relationship with you.

And that clarification never comes.

Tae continues with the kisses, and you just learn to accept the fact that maybe your friend just likes to kiss you. It get to the point where you no longer even question or become surprised when the action appears out of nowhere.

But little do you know that this is just the beginning of something tragic.

***

In the blink of an eye, the fall semester ends.

You and Taehyung rejoice as you both finish it rather decently; getting good marks in all of your classes. Celebrations are in the making, but a spontaneous trip from your parents brings all plans to a halt.  

“You’re going where?” Taehyung asks you, eyes wide and mouth parted.

“To spend the holidays with my aunt who lives in the States,” you repeat, not able to look him in the eyes.

You two have been laying in his bed playing video games, until you dropped the bomb on him. And it’s not like you’ve known about the trip for a while, you just found out from your parents yesterday. Honestly, you hadn’t planned to do much during break. If anything, you just wanted to spend time with Tae and catch up on sleep. But then your parents surprised you, and you couldn’t say no.

“B-But…that’s an entire ocean away.”

You look at the boy who has easily become your best friend, “I know—and it’s not like I really want to go, but I haven’t seen my aunt in a while. Plus, my parents already bought me the ticket and—”

“It’s okay,” he cuts your explanation off, a strained smile encasing his face. “You enjoy visiting your aunt.”

“Tae…” you know he’s probably really mad.

He only shakes his head “No, really, it’s not like we didn’t already makes plans to hang out or anything.”

“Taehyung,” now you find yourself getting mad. “Stop.”

“I’m just bummed, y/n. What am I supposed to do during break now?”

You shrug, “I don’t know. Go to a party, get drunk, and maybe kiss a few girls.”

As you say the last part, your heart starts hammering in your chest. You don’t even know why you said it at all since you can’t even begin to imagine it happening. Just the thought of another girl kissing Tae makes you green with jealously. But you know you don’t even have the right to feel such things; you aren’t his keeper.

You wait for him to respond, but he doesn’t say anything.

“I was joking,” you attempt to laugh, but it sounds forced. “But really—have fun. You don’t need me for that.”

And that’s when he gives you a look that nearly paralyzes you. His gaze is filled with so many emotions you can’t decipher, and it travels down to your core. He stares at you for so long you feel your blood pressure start to spike.

“I guess,” he says in a lower voice. You don’t know what else to say, so silence begins pooling in his room. It becomes too much to handle so you get off the bed.

“I should go,” you say, awkwardly getting your things. “I still have to pack.”

“Are you leaving tomorrow?” Taehyung doesn’t even look at you; instead, he stares at the ceiling.

You’re about to nod, but then catch yourself. “Yeah, I am.”

“When do you get back?”

Hesitation gnaws at your lips, “The day before school starts again.”

You search your friends face for a sign—any sign—but he’s completely passive. A sigh leaves you lips as you back out of his room. When you reach the door, you stop and brace yourself against it.

“I’m sorry,” you apologize for reasons you don’t even really understand. But Tae is still in the same position and doesn’t even glance your way. You sigh again before muttering a soft goodbye and leaving.

The entire time you’re away, you don’t get a single message or phone call from him.

It wouldn’t have affected you so much if you knew why. Obviously, Taehyung is mad at you, but you didn’t know the reason. And the boy has never been angry at you before; so you don’t know how to deal or how to make it better.

Even though you don’t know why he hasn’t tried to contact you, it doesn’t stop you. When you landed in the States, you texted him. On Christmas Eve, you called three times. On Christmas day, you called and left a ridiculously long voicemail—along with a few extra texts as well. Despite these efforts, you get nothing; you don’t even know if he’s reading these texts because he doesn’t have his read receipts on.

So, a few days before New Year’s, you decide to go home early. You don’t want to end the year on a bad note with Tae, and you also don’t want to start the year off not speaking. Somehow, you manage to get back the afternoon of New Year’s Eve. And the second you get home, you go to his house.

Knocking on the front door like a maniac, you pray that he hadn’t taken your advice and decided just to lounge around his house over break. Your heart is beating erratically as his mom answers the door.

“Oh, hi y/n,” she greets you with a warm smile. “How was your trip?”

“Hey, Mrs. Kim; it was good. Is Taehyung home?” you cut right to the chase.

But disappointment begins to fill you when her smile falters, “I’m sorry, y/n; he’s actually hasn’t been home all day.”

You nearly fall to the ground at her words. “What? Do you know where he is?”

“I’ve tried calling him, but he hasn’t answered. I guess he didn’t know you were coming home?”

“Yeah, I wasn’t supposed to be home for another few days,” you admit, and his mother nods. “I-I just couldn’t…I mean…I just…I missed him.” Saying the words out loud brings a weight off your shoulders, but also makes your chest ache.

“He’s missed you too,” she says, smiling again. “He’s been sulking around the house this entire month—I think today’s the first day he’s been out.” They do say that mothers know best, so knowing that Taehyung missed you makes your heart soar high.

“Do you have any idea where he might be?” desperation laces your words.

Mrs. Kim shakes her head, “He has old friends, but I don’t think he’s talked to them since meeting you.”

Why is this so difficult? You continue your conversation with his mom to think about the boy’s whereabouts, but soon realize how late it’s gotten. You figure that you should probably just go home. So, feeling a bit defeated, you wish his mom a Happy New Year and walk back to your house.

On the way there, you run through various places he might be. You try to think back to before you left—to the plans you two made together. Did he mention anything in particular that he wanted to do? You replay old conversations and then it suddenly hits you like a freight truck. Quickly, you whip out your phone and call Yoon, one of your childhood friends.

After three rings, she picks up, “Hello? Y/n…?”

“Hey…” you trail off.

On the other end, you can hear a heavy bass thumping, “Well, I haven’t heard from you in a while.”

You tell her that you can’t hear anything she’s saying, so she moves somewhere quieter and repeats her words. You can’t help but roll your eyes at her petty tone. “Like you even have time for me. You and your boyfriend are always—”

“So, what’s up?” she cuts you off and you laugh a bit.

“Where are you?”

“At a party at Jay’s house, why?”

Bingo. “Thanks, that’s all I needed to know.”

“Woah,” you hear her say, “is little miss goody-two-shoes going to make an appearance?”

“We’ll see,” you tell her.

After hanging up, you run the rest of the way home. The party Yoon was at was hosted by the one and only Jay. He’s a senior at your school and notorious for his parties. They are the best, but exclusive to upper-classmen—juniors and seniors only. Everyone couldn’t wait until they were promoted to those grades.

The one thing you remember Tae saying was that he wanted to attend one this year—that’s where he has to be tonight.

***

As you walk up the steps to Jay’s elaborate mansion, it was beyond huge, you feel your nerves twist up in a bundle. You figured that since this is a party, albeit a New Year’s Eve party, you should probably look somewhat nice—just so you kind of blend in. You opt for a black dress that hugs whatever curves you do have and your basic strappy heels. Hopefully no one’s going to question you.

When you reach the door, you’re surprised to find that it opens easily. Walking in, you’re blown away by the sheer amount of people. You thought that since the house is so big, there would be room inside. Wrong. People are packed wall-to-wall.

As soon as the door shuts behind you, you see Yoon standing not too far from you. Relief fills you at the sight of a familiar face. You call out her name and she, thankfully, hears, turning around to your direction.

“Y/n!” she exclaims, running up to you. “You look sexy!”

You feel a blush creep onto your face, “Thanks?”

“Who you dressing up for?”

“I’m just trying to blend in,” you say, brushing a few strands of hair away from your face. “But can you help me find someone?”

“So, there is someone,” she wiggles her brows. “Who?”

“Taehyung,” you say his name all too fast.

“As in Kim Taehyung?” Yoon raises a brow. “Is he that guy you’ve been hanging out with?”

“What other Taehyung is there? Have you seen him? I think he’s supposed to be here. God I hope—”

Yoon places a hand over your mouth, “Clam down, tiger. I’ll ask one of Jay’s friends—they know everybody.”

You watch as she walks away from you and to a guy a few feet away. She whispers something in his ear and he nods, whispering something back. Yoon seems pleased with the answer and comes back to you.

“So?” you ask impatiently.

“They say he’s here,” you immediately brighten up, feeling like a genius for guessing his location right, “but they don’t know where exactly he is.”

Your eyes automatically begin searching the room, “That’s okay; I’ll find him. Thanks again Yoon.”

Before Yoon can say anything else, you’re lost in the crowd of sweaty people. As you walk through the crowd, your eyes desperately search for his. This is going to be impossible—there are so many people here. You walk through the numerous living areas and even the kitchen, but there’s no sign of Tae anywhere.

After a while, you check the time and see that it was an hour until midnight; an hour till the start of the New Year. And you’re on the verge of going back home. The feeling of jet lag is starting to weigh you down as the adrenaline begins to drain away. The flight back home was long, and you couldn’t really sleep due to the anticipation of everything that awaited you here.

You are now walking down some hallway, the music of the party booming behind you. The sense of direction’s completely loss to you—you have no idea where you were. But just as you’re about to reach the end of the hall, someone comes up behind you.

They grab ahold of your body and drag you into an open room. You scream, kicking your attacker. You try to fight the person, but they’re no match for your puny self. On the verge of tears, you’re about the give up when the person finally speaks, “Y/n…”

You freeze. You would know that voice anywhere. “Tae?”

The attacker lets you go and you slowly turn around, shocked to see the face of your friend. But the shock soon fades into something strange when you take in his appearance—the boy actually looks nice. His hair is disheveled in that messy, but put together, way and his clothes sexily cling against him. You feel your mouth drop open, but you pick it up just as quickly as it falls.

Suddenly, you push him, and he stumbles, “What the hell?”

“Why do you always feel the need to sneak up on me? Asshole,” you cross your arms.

He cracks a smile, “You’re just fun to mess with.”

“It’s not fun for me, you jerk. I was seriously freaked out.”

Taehyung softens at your words, “I’m sorry; I just wanted to surprise you.”

And that’s when you remember why you’re even here at all. You suddenly feel awkward, not knowing where to look.

“Why…why didn’t you return any of my calls?” you ask him, staring at the floor. “I mean, I know you’re mad. But you couldn’t text me back?”

You sneak a look at him, and find that he’s staring intently at you.

“And like, I don’t even know why you’re mad at me. What did I do wrong? Was it because I went away? Or was it something I did? I just—”

Tae cuts you off with a kiss that causes you to nearly trip on your own feet. The kiss is intense and you feel him back you against the wall, encasing your body with his. You haven’t kissed him in nearly a month; you’ve forgotten how it feels like, how alive he makes you feel.

His hands begin traveling up your body, each touch igniting a fire inside of you. He stops when he reaches your face, his long fingers roughly cupping your cheeks. You bring your own hands to tangle in his hair and gently tug him closer to you. His starts to rub little circles on your cheeks, while simultaneously prodding your mouth further open. You oblige and feel his tongue massaging yours.

Suddenly, you let out a moan as Tae presses his body right onto yours. Despite the layers of clothing between the two of you, you can still feel the body heat coming off of him. At your moan, he freezes for a moment before kissing you back with much more force. He pulls the two of you away from the wall and you both fall onto a bed.

The dress you’re wearing begins to ride up, but you don’t care at all; you just want to be closer to him, needing to be closer to him. You pull away from his lips to breathe and he takes that opportunity to latch his lips onto your jaw, slowly moving down your neck. Another moan leaves your lips and you try to think, but your mind is complete mush right now.

All you can do is lay there as Tae begins to suck on your neck. Although you two had kissed multiple times before, things have never gone this far.

“Tae…” you say a bit breathlessly, his finger now pushing the straps of your dress down. He mutters something incoherent, mouth on the swells of your breast. “What are we doing?”

He stops, raising his head, “I’m worshiping your body, what else?”

You redden as his comment.

“Do you want me to stop?” he asks, a brow raised. When you simply shake your head, his lips travel back to your chest.

Without even realizing it, you start to move your hips against his. A pleasurable pressure starts building up and you whimper at the feeling. Taehyung stop his assault on your skin, eyes now looking into yours. As he stares at you, his fingers play with the zipper on the side of your dress.

“This dress is awfully pretty on you,” he licks his lips. “But I think it’ll look prettier on the floor, don’t you think?”

And faster than you can even comprehend his words, the dress is unzipped from your body and you’re left half-naked in your underwear. Impulse kicks in and you try to cover your body at the sudden lack of coverage. But Tae takes your arms, pinning them above your head.

“So beautiful,” he muses, eyes darkening.

You writhe underneath him, not liking the fact that you’re nearly naked while he’s still completely clothed. When you tell him this fact, he releases your arms and begins to unbutton his shirt. You can’t help but stare at his golden skin and his broad shoulders. He reaches for the waistband of his pants, unbuttons it, and then tugs the fabric down his legs.

Tae smirks at your obvious staring and leans down to kiss you again. The rest of your clothing, or whatever was left, comes off and you’re both left completely exposed to each other. Now without all the clothes between you two, you can feel every ridge of his body and desire threatens to burst out of your body.

“Do you want me to stop?” he asks you again, resting his forehead against yours.

You shake your head, “No.”

“Are you sure?” his eyes search your face. “Because if we start, I-I don’t think I’ll be able to stop.”

Grabbing his face between your hands, you kiss him, “I’m sure.”

You are long past the point of no return. The rational part of you is screaming that this is a terrible idea, that this is bound to ruin your friendship with Tae. But you can’t find it in yourself to really care. You want him, so badly you are about to burst.

Even though you assure Tae that you want this, he still hesitates above you. As he rolls a condom on, you lightly kiss his jaw and tell him that you’re okay. But although you say this, you feel your body tense as he nears your entrance. This is your first time after all, and you realize Taehyung is becoming a lot of your firsts. When he finally enters you, you scrunch up your face from the initial discomfort. “Ow.”

“Shit,” you hear Tae mutter, stopping halfway.

“It’s okay,” you bite your bottom lip. “Keep going.”

He pushes the rest of the way, “You’re so fucking tight.”

You still feel a sense of discomfort, especially since Tae’s large size fills you up to the brim. Despite this, you tell him to keep moving in hopes that maybe the awkwardness will fade into something better. And a few thrusts in, it does feel better—a lot better.

Tae’s pace is still rather slow, but the pleasure starts to build up and he drops his head into the crook of your shoulder. You moan for him to go faster but he doesn’t, probably due to the fear of hurting you.

So you tighten your legs around him, “Tae—harder, faster.”

Something in him snaps and his thrust become shorter, but quicker. The force causes your eyes to roll back and you cry out at how good it feels, “Fuck.”

He groans your name, one hand roughly digging into your hips. It all feels so good, and you’re surprised by how vocal you are—a moan always seems to be leaving your mouth. But you don’t care at all if anyone hears. You continue to moan as you feel your peak building. Sweat rolls down both of your backs, and you can feel Tae’s thrusts getting sloppy.

“Ohmygod,” you say in a single breath. “I’m gonna—”

And just as you’re about to say the words, waves of ecstasy crash down on you. You cry out Taehyung’s name, the feeling completely indescribable. He continues to ride out your high before reaching his own. After he releases, he falls on top of you and presses a gentle kiss on your neck. You both don’t say anything for a few moments, still trying to catch your breaths.

“Are you okay?” Tae is the first to speak. He mumbles this question into your neck.

You nod your head, “Yeah…are you?”

“I’m…good. Better than good, actually,” he raises his head, smiling. “You’re beautiful, y/n.”

You blush at his words, not knowing how to respond.

“But, you are quite loud though,” he says. “I’m sure the entire house heard us.”

He laughs and you push him away, forgetting that he’s still inside of you. You both moan from the loss of contact, feeling sort of empty now. Once he’s away from you, you remember just how naked you are and rush to pull the blankets over your body. But you wince a few times due to the soreness you feel.

“What are you doing?”

“Covering myself,” you say once the sheets are pulled all the way up to your chin.

“I just saw you completely naked though,” Tae laughs.

You raise a brow, “And?”

“And?” he repeats. “And you shouldn’t have to cover yourself.”

“Let me live, Tae.”

“Why’d you come back early?” his sudden question throws you off a bit.

You look at him, seeing genuine curiosity in his eyes, “I just wanted to see you.”

“Really?” he looks shocked.

“Yeah,” you feel embarrassed now. “I just…didn’t want to end the year on the bad note or start the year off with you hating me.”

His gaze softens, “I don’t hate you. I was just frustrated. You’re my best friend, and you leaving felt like you were betraying me.”

“Stupid,” you say.

“Okay, so maybe I was,” he rolls his eyes. “But speaking of the New Year…”

He searches for something amongst the clothing items scattered on the floor. You have to force yourself not to look at him as he bends down to put his clothes back on. As he looks for whatever he’s looking for, you search for your own clothes and do the same. Once he jumps back on the bed, his phone is in his hand. He presses the home button and smiles.

“It’s 11:59; make a wish!” he says and you quickly shut your eyes. But before you can even fully think of something, he crashes you into a hug, planting a chaste kiss on your forehead. “Happy New Year, y/n!”

You smile, “Happy New Year, Kim Taehyung.”

“Thanks for being the best. Forgive for being an ass and not calling back,” he says, still hugging you tightly. “Friends still?”

“The best of friends,” you’re still smiling, but it’s forced. You feel your face tremble, your hands shaking a bit as you cling onto him. A sudden, lone tears falls down your face.

Best friends. Just friends.

As you utter the words in your head, your heart sinks deeper and deeper.

***

As the years roll by, you’ve come to terms that the relationship you have with Tae has morphed into a friends with benefits ordeal. It’s that kind of situation because no one knows what you two are doing—no one but you and Tae. Everyone continued to believe that you both were just best friends, but behind closed doors you two were fucking. A lot.  

At first, you were hesitant to accept that this was to be your reality. You didn’t want to be a friend that he fucked; you wanted to be more or nothing at all. But you couldn’t lose the boy; he was a part of your life and you needed him. And it just so happened to be via this relationship.

But that’s not the only thing.

Since you two weren’t exclusive, and no one knew, it meant you technically could date other people—which you guys did. Initially, you were green with envy. You didn’t like the idea that he was being intimate with other girls who weren’t you. But you realize it was foolish to think that since you were doing the same thing.

During senior year, you dated someone just because you felt obligated to. Also, Tae was in a relationship as well so you needed the distraction. You were intimate with the guy, but he wasn’t Tae. And you hated yourself for thinking that.

You also hated yourself even more for always caving into Kim Taehyung. No matter the situation, you could never say no to him. You ended up having to break up with that particular boyfriend of yours since you cheated on him one too many times.

When it was time to go to college, it was the only logical choice for you both to attend the same school. You needed Taehyung just as much as you needed air to breath. The application period was nerve-wracking because you were scared that you two wouldn’t get into the same schools. But by some miracle, you did.

College was honestly a blur. Because of your friendship with Tae, it was hard to stay in relationships with other guys. You tried to date other people but it never felt the same. No one else knew your body as well as Tae. He knew exactly what you liked, and exactly how to do it.  

It was frustrating.

There were many times you wanted it to end, but Taehyung would just show up right back at your door and your selfish self let him right back in. It was a never-ending cycle. And in all honesty, it was a toxic relationship. No one should be so caught up with someone they weren’t dating, and yet here you two were—a terrible exception.

You were always terrified that people would find out about you and Tae’s secret, especially your parents. What would they even say? As much as they loved Tae, you were sure that they would be disappointed. They would be probably be most unhappy about the fact that you ruined so many potentially great relationships over a boy who didn’t even love you.

At least, not in the way you deserved to be loved.

“Do you love me?” you randomly asked one day.

Perhaps it was the sexual high that messed with your brain, but you’re not sure why you decided to ask him the big question. Tae was still breathing hard beside you, recovering from the sex you two just had.

“Of course,” he breathed out, “you’re my best friend.”

You heart sank a little, “So, like, that friend-love then?”

“Why are you even asking?” he turned to the side, facing you.

“I don’t know,” you shrugged. “Just curious, I guess.”

But you did know. Despite it all being no-strings-attached, you started to feel a little too attached.

You weren’t sure when it occurred, but you suddenly started noticing the little things. Even though you had known Tae for years, you never realized how fond you were of everything he did. Of all the people in the world, you didn’t understand why it had to be him. He didn’t love you beyond a friend, and he probably would never feel anything more for you. So, why did you continue to let him fuck your brains out? You didn’t have an answer to that.

After college, you tried to stop seeing Tae all together, but the boy was so damn persistent. He just didn’t know how to leave your life. It was like he was torturing you; dangling you on a minuscule rope that hovered above an ocean. But despite the torture, every time you saw him, your heart grew more and more for him. It was a strange feeling honestly; being so incredibly fond of someone, but also wanting to be far away from them.

Every night, you wondered why life turned out to be this way for you—stuck in an unrequited, friends with benefits relationship. As you thought these things, you couldn’t help but realize how fucked up it all was.

A part of you wished that you had never decided to come home early that New Year’s Eve so long ago. If you hadn’t come home, you wouldn’t have called Yoon. If you hadn’t called her, you wouldn’t have gone to Jay’s stupid house party. If you hadn’t gone to that damn house party, you wouldn’t have let Tae fuck you for the first time. If that night would’ve never happened, you wouldn’t be here questioning everything.

But would that have really changed anything?

***

You down another shot glass.

A friend from work invited you out to her birthday party, and you figured it would be an intimate affair since she was rather quiet. She also told you to bring a plus-one, so you dragged Taehyung out too because you figured you needed someone to talk to. Instead of a small party, you found yourself in a club filled with many people. And you are now alone, your plus-one nowhere to be found.

The moment you two entered the club, Tae wandered from your side. Out of the two of you, he has always been the more social one; making friends everywhere he went. You managed to find the friend who invited you, but you didn’t get to talk long—like you had predicted earlier—and simply ended up at the bar.

“Did you want another one?”

You look at the bartender, eyes slightly narrowed, “What do you think?”

“I was just asking,” he says, wiping the inside of a glass. “I mean, you’ve had a few.”

You take the briefest moment to do a once over of the bartender, and you smile a little to yourself—he’s kind of cute. Even though you swear you only stare at him for a second, he catches you and pink tinges your cheeks.

“I wasn’t looking at you, I swear,” you say, looking anywhere but at him.

He just laughs, “It’s okay; it’s not every day a pretty girl stares at me with drool forming at the corner of her mouth.”

You widen your eyes, “I was not drooling!”

“Kidding,” he smiles, and you feel your heart warm just a bit. “What’s your name? I’ve never seen you here before.”

“Y/n, and I’m only here for a birthday…though it’s quite obvious I’m not really participating. What’s your name?”

“Hoseok,” he says, and you repeat it in your head a million times.

A smile forms on your lips, “Nice to meet you.”

As am easy conversation forms between you and Hoseok, you can’t help but laugh at everything he says. It feels nice to laugh, especially since it feels like you haven’t done so in a long time. In this moment, you feel kind of glad you decided to come out tonight.

“So, about that drink,” Hoseok asks, face close to yours.

“I’d love another—”

Before you can finish your sentence, you feel a sudden presence behind you.

“I believe she’s fine.”

You turn around, eyes meeting Tae’s. “What are you doing?”

Instead of saying anything, he just grabs your wrist and pulls you off your stool.

“Tae!”

With his free hand, he reaches inside his pocket and pulls out a few bills. He throws them on the counter, telling the Hoseok to keep the change. You struggle against his hold, not understanding why he’s doing this—you really wanted another drink and you wanted to talk to the cute bartender some more. And the last thing you wanted was to deal with Kim Taehyung.

He drags you both through the club, past masses of people. You’re not able to break free until he slips the two of you outside. As the door shuts behind you, a chill from the night hits you and you curse yourself for not bringing a jacket.

But even though you’re cold, a flash of anger heats you up momentarily, “What the hell, Taehyung?”

Rarely do you ever call him Taehyung to his face. At the sound of his full name being used, his mouth tightens and he looks at you. “I should be asking you that.”

“Oh my god,” you roll your eyes. “You’re being ridiculous.”

“Why were you flirting with the bartender?” he asks, eyes narrowing.

You cross your arms over your chest, “The bartender has a name, and it’s Hoseok.”

“So you guys are on a first name basis?”

“He asked for my name, and I was not flirting with him,” you say. “We were just talking.”

“Hmm…I guess we have different versions of talking then; I don’t recall talking including his face being two inches away from yours,” Tae practically yells, and you can’t believe this is actually happening.

“Like you’re one to talk! I saw you walk away from me when we got here to go talk to girls, you hypocrite.”

He scoffs, “I was not talking to girls.”

Just recently, there’s something off in your friendship; a loose screw. For some reason, you two are fighting a lot more; finding the dumbest things to pick out and argue about. Also, Tae has picked up a habit of being overprotective. It makes no sense why he suddenly feels the need to act in such a way.

“Seriously, you need to chill out,” you tell him, not understanding why he’s being so unreasonable.

“You should take your own advice.”

“Maybe I will,” you sigh, turning around and walking away from him.

You only make it a few steps before an arm pulls you back, “Where are you going?”

“Didn’t you say for me to take my own advice? Well, I am; which means I’m leaving,” you say before pushing him away and walking again.

“Y/n,” he says your name, but you don’t care to stop. “Y/n.”

You throw up a middle finger, still walking down the street.

“Fuck. Stop it, you idiot. Let me just drive you home.”

“No,” is your immediate response, but you doubt that he can hear you. All you really want to do right now is take off all the damn makeup you are wearing and sleep.

“Y/n,” Tae repeats, “I’m sorry. Please stop. You’re angry at me, I know, but let me just drive you. I’d hate for you to walk home. It’s dangerous and I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Stopping halfway down the street, you look over your shoulder. Even under the dim lighting of the streetlights, you can see the sincerity in his eyes. You walk back to him, nod, and then walk to his car. The whole ride to your apartment, you two don’t speak. Instead, soft music from the radio fills the silence. Aside from not talking to him, you also angle your body away from him; you choose to look out the window, watching the night come alive.

When he stops in front of your building, you quickly unbuckle yourself and get out of the car. You practically run to your door, not wanting to let Tae say a single thing to you. And, thankfully, he doesn’t. As you lock your front door behind you, you look out through the little peephole and see that he hasn’t left yet. Shockingly, it takes him a few minutes to leave; when he does finally drive off, you sink to your knees.

***

The next evening, someone knocks at your door.

At first, you’re hesitant to open the door since you didn’t plan on anyone coming over. When you check to see who it is, your eyes widen. Unlocking the door, you shift awkwardly on your feet, “Tae? What are you doing?”

In front of you, he stands with a bag of takeout, your favorite, and a bottle of wine.

“I brought food,” he says, pushing past you to walk inside. He leaves you standing at the door confused.

“Why?” you follow him into your small kitchen, crossing your arms over your chest.

Tae looks at you and raises a brow, “I can’t come over and bring food?”

You don’t respond because he knows why you’re questioning him. You are still mad at him for what happened last night at the club. He had no right to act the way he did.

“I’m hurt,” he feigns sadness, clutching his chest. “I thought we were best friends?”

“We are,” you say, and he smiles. “But you were an asshole yesterday.”

The smile on his face falls, “I know, and that’s why I brought your favorite takeout.”

“You’re trying to apologize through takeout?”

“Is it working?”

You roll your eyes; you can never win. Although you want to be mad at him, you know that you can never be. “Maybe.”

A smile graces his face again, the corners of his eyes crinkling. “Great; that’s better than no.”

He grabs your hand and walks you both into the living room. Taking the boxes out of the paper bag, he hands you your favorite dish and digs into his own. As you two settle on the couch, with the TV play some random movie, you can’t help but stare at him.

After you slipped into bed last night, you stayed up and thought a lot about your relationship with Taehyung. You spent many nights thinking about him, but last night you finally decided on something: you are going to end the friends with benefits relationship with him. This decision came to you because you realized that you both aren’t happy.

You loved Tae beyond the lines of a best friend.

There; you finally admitted it.

As much as you wanted to make him happy, to him you are just the best friend. Nothing more, nothing less. Maybe that’s why you enjoyed Hoseok’s company so much last night—he actually gave you the attention you so desperately wanted from Tae. After all these years, you figured it’s time that he receives the happiness he deserves. You deserve happiness too, even if it means letting him go.

“What?” he suddenly asks, not looking away from the TV screen.

“Nothing,” you say, shoving some food in your mouth. Despite thinking these thoughts, you aren’t sure how to break the news to him.

After the random takeout night, everything returns to how it always used to be—the same cycle of a toxic, friends with benefits relationship. Each time you climbed into Taehyung’s bed or he yours, you swore it would be the last time. Hell, you even slipped it out once that it was going to be the last time, but he just laughed and carried on.

A few weeks go by, and you find yourself at Tae’s house once again. He invited you over to watch a movie, but you two are doing everything but that.

He’s pressed against you, peppering kisses along your jaw and down your neck. After so many years of being intimate together, Tae knows your body like the back of his hand. You moan as he slides a hand underneath your shirt to touch one of your sensitive breasts. His other hand begins to travel to the button of your jeans. Your body screams in anticipation, but he suddenly stops.

“Bed. Now,” he says, and then picks you up.

Tae carries you across his apartment to his bedroom, and sets you at the foot of his bed. You take a second to glance around the room you’ve come to memorize so well.

“This is the last time, okay?” your words are sincere tonight; after this, it’s officially over.

But Taehyung doesn’t even glance at your face as he discards your shirt on the floor. The next thing to come off are your jeans, and you’re left in only your underwear. This scene is all too familiar.

“Why am I always the first to get naked?” you ask.

He smirks, taking his shirt and pants off. “Better?”

“Much,” you say with a pang in your heart as you stare at the beautiful human being in front of you. In this moment, you see just how grown up Taehyung has gotten. He isn’t the lanky boy you met all those years ago anymore. Now, as your eyes travel over the golden skin that stretches over his toned body, he’s a man.

Tae proceeds to rip your underwear off and you slide his boxers off. He immediately pushes you back on the bed, hands spreading your legs apart. His lips attach to your inner thighs, leaving teasing kisses everywhere. You moan, begging him for more. So, he brings a finger to your entrance, smirking again.

“So wet already,” he muses just before replacing his finger with his mouth.

As he begins to lick you, you weave your fingers into his hair. “Yes, Tae. Oh my god.”

He looks up at you from where he’s positioned between your legs, and you nearly orgasm on the spot. The smolder in his gaze lights up your entire body. As he continues to use tongue, which you’re sure is magical, his eyes never move away from yours and you swear that you’ve never seen anything sexier in your life.

He applies more pressure and you pull his hair tighter, feeling yourself getting close. You moan and arch your back, hands fisting the sheets around you. Just as you’re about to see the stars, Tae suddenly pulls his mouth away. Immediately you whimper, not liking the loss of touch. You start to complain, but don’t get very far before he suddenly shoves two fingers inside of you. The fullness causes you to reach your peak, and you cry out his name.

“That’s it, you dirty girl,” he still pumps his fingers inside of you, helping you ride out your high. “So sexy.”

It all just feels so good, and you nearly question your decision. You lift your head up once you’ve recovered and manage a small smile, “My turn.”

Taehyung’s eyes widen for a moment and you take the chance to pull him onto the bed, flipping positions so you’re on top. One of your hands reaches for his cock, moaning a bit when you realize how hard he is already. You stoke his member a few times before bending down to take him into your mouth. In all honesty, you are never one to really give blowjobs. It’s not that you hate giving them, it just never fits the flow; Tae almost always goes down on you and then fucks you—he never really gives you many chances to return the favor.

But from the expression on his face, you know he absolutely loves it.

“Shit,” he groans as you take him deeper into your mouth.

His cock hits the back of your throat and you gag a bit, feeling tears forming in your eyes. Even though giving blowjobs is rather uncomfortable sometimes, it’s worth seeing the reaction from Tae. His breaths are getting heavier; he’s getting close. This fact prompts you to suck harder, paying more attention to his sensitive head.

“Y/n—fucking shit—stop.”

Your eyes meet his from underneath your lashes. Letting go of his cock with a pop sound, you ask, “Is there something wrong?”

Tae has never stopped you from finishing a blowjob before.

He runs a hand over his face, “It feels so fucking good.”

“Why’d you want me to stop then?”

He leans up and captures your lips in a kiss. You kiss him back hard, pushing everything into the kiss. He breaks away first, resting his forehead against yours. “I want to cum inside you.”

And before you can comprehend his words, he flips you over onto your stomach and lifts your ass up. Without much warning, he slams inside you. This is done without much effort because you’re still wet from earlier. You both moan at the feeling of being connected like this; he has always filled you up so well.

Tae grips onto your hips as he moves fast, thrusting into you relentlessly. All you can do is sink your head into the bedsheets and take the pleasure. You’ve always loved this position since Tae goes so much deeper, hitting all the right spots. The same pleasure from earlier starts to build up inside of you again, and you tell him to go harder. And he does, leaning over you so he doesn’t move out much and ends up going even deeper than before.

You moan into the sheets, the pleasure becoming almost unbearable. Tae begins to suck onto the skin of your shoulders, no doubt leaving hickeys. This act just adds to the pleasure and you feel like you’re about to burst. Suddenly, Taehyung flips you over onto your back and crashes his lips on you.

As he kisses you, his hips move faster and you feel so so close.

“Cum for me, baby,” Tae whispers into your ears, fingers finding your sensitive clit, and that does the trick.

Your orgasm hits you like a freight truck, tightening your walls around Tae. Within seconds, he reaches his climax too, releasing himself into you. After this, he falls on top of you. But unlike other times, he doesn’t stay in the position long and rolls over. His chest rapidly rises up and down, sweating covering his entire body. You try to catch your own breath, feeling your heart beating erratically.

He turns his head to look at you and smiles, “Fucking perfect as always, y/n.”

Placing a quick kiss on your forehead, he gets up to grab a rag to clean the both of you. Once you clean the creampie off of you, he hands you a t-shirt and pulls his own boxers on. He whispers goodnight and falls asleep immediately. You take in his sleeping form—long eye lashes, soft lips; he looks like an angel. You can’t help but bring a hand to his face, trailing your fingers along his skin.

After a few moments, you roll over; feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders. You shut your eyes tightly, tears flowing down your face. A silent sob racks its way through your body because this was the last time. You were serious when you said those words to him before. Being in this toxic relationship isn’t an option anymore—you can’t deal with being the girl he simply used for sex.

You craved intimacy beyond that.

You wanted something deep, all consuming. Was that so bad?

While Tae slept peacefully beside you, you couldn’t relax at all. The thought of you leaving him haunted you. Before anything, he’s your best friend; you don’t want to lose him. At the same time, though, you know that you can’t keep him in your life. You want so much more, and he can’t give you that. So in your mind, it’s better just to break yourself away entirely.

Before the sun rises, you quietly get out of Taehyung’s bed and grab your clothes. You decide to keep his shirt, wanting to be selfish one last time. When you have all your things, you finally look at his sleeping form. Your heart hangs heavy in your chest; it hurt like hell now, but you would be grateful later…right?

Slipping out of his apartment, you drive home feeling like a total mess. Once you make it to your place, you immediately crawl into bed and cry yourself to sleep.

***

It’s one of those nights again.

The world is asleep, yet you are still wide awake—heart aching, mind running a thousand miles an hour. No matter what you try, sleep does not come. It’s like life is torturing you.

Since you left Taehyung’s house that one morning, you haven’t been able to sleep well. Every time you thought you finally were going to drift into dreamland for the night, his face would creep right into your mind. His expressive eyes, the gentle slope of his nose, the curve of his boxy grin—it was all ingrained in your mind. And you hated it. You also hated how you could still feel his burning touch on your skin; the way his large hands caressed your body.

Not only couldn’t you sleep well, but Tae calls you every day. He blows up your phone, leaving a voicemail every single time.

Y/n, pick up the phone.

Call me back soon, okay?

Is everything okay? Are you okay??

What did I do wrong? Call me back.

I know you’re listening to these messages since your voice mailbox isn’t full…call me soon.

…please pick up, y/n. Please.

As you listen to each message, your heart breaks a little more. You’re at a point now that you feel like you don’t even have a heart since you just feel so broken. The longingness in your chest is about to burst, but you aren’t going to give in. You aren’t going to pick up the phone and give him the satisfaction of knowing that you desperately cannot live without him.

You can be strong for once. You can exist without Kim Taehyung.

Even though you don’t pick up or return any of his calls, that doesn’t stop him. It has already been almost a month since you last saw him, but he continues to call and call and call. He’s relentless and a part of you feels absolutely terrible.

In the second month, the calls are less frequent but still very present in your life. Tae still calls practically every day, leaving you those damn voicemails that break your soul. And as much as it hurts, you still listen to every voicemail. You don’t know why though because you still feel as shitty as ever.

By the third month, Tae only calls once, maybe twice, a week. You still give him props for being so driven. If it had been you in his position, you would’ve give up a long time ago. He leaves the occasional voicemail too, but you know better to not listen anymore.

Miraculously, you’ve managed to avoid seeing him all this time. You don’t really know how though, since you both live in the same city. But he hasn’t come to see you yet, which is surprising. This behavior was very un-Tae-like, but you’re thankful; if he was to show up at your door, you don’t know what you would do.

Without Taehyung present in your life, you didn’t know what to do with yourself at first. A person who was so essential to your being wasn’t there anymore. But after the days, weeks, and eventual months went by, you learn to just deal. Your co-workers were concerned at first—they didn’t know why you had suddenly changed. They questioned you a lot that first month and attempted to change your mood; it, however, died quickly when they realized you weren’t going to change.

But have you changed a lot?

You aren’t too sure.

The days continue to pass you by, and life is starting to get rather dull. It’s the same routine of waking up, going to work, and then coming home. Although it’s boring and less than interesting, you stick to it because it’s the right thing. And before you know it, six whole months go by and it’s almost the end of the year.

Life’s still boring, but you think about Taehyung a lot less now. He stopped calling after the fourth month and no longer consumed your every thought. You can breathe a little bit better now, but there are still some nights you laid awake wondering how he was doing. Knowing him, he’s probably doing great; Tae’s always able to adapt easily to situations.

With the end of the year approaching, you find yourself not to terribly excited about the holidays; after all, you’re going to spend them alone. Or so you thought.

“Hello?” It wasn’t Tae on the phone, but someone else who you haven’t spoken to in years.

“Hey, y/n.”

“Umm…hi?”

“You said your greetings already,” the person on the other line says, humor laced in their voice.

“Whatever,” you roll your eyes, “what do you want?”

They mock gasp, “Is that really the way to speak to someone you haven’t spoken to since high school?”

“I don’t know, Yoon; maybe because we haven’t talked since high school?”

“Goodness, no need to sound so sarcastic,” she says. “I was just saying.”

You have no idea why she’s suddenly calling after all these years. After high school, you haven’t kept up with anyone you used to talk to—besides Tae, of course. You’re surprised she still has your number.

“Like I said before, what do you want?” you ask, confused.

“Can’t I just randomly call you?”

“No,” is your immediate response.

“Look, y/n, I know we haven’t talked since high school, but we used to be really good friends,” Yoon says, “so I just wanted to call and invite you to a New Year’s Eve party I’m hosting at my boyfriend’s place.”

“A New Year’s Eve party?” This feels all too familiar.

“Yeah—it’ll be fun, so please come!”

You scrunch your brows, “Is it your same boyfriend from high school?”

“Oh god no,” she laughs. “I’m dating Jay now.”

In that moment, your mouth drops, “What?! As in, Jay from high school? As in, the Jay who hosted the best parties?”

“Yes, that Jay. We’ve been dating for a few years now,” Yoon explains.

“That’s so crazy,” you say. “Who would’ve guessed; but I’m glad you ended things with that boyfriend of yours from high school—he was a douchebag.”

Yoon laughs again, “You don’t even have to tell me; I don’t know what I saw in him.”

“Seriously,” you smile. “Especially that one time—”

“—he got so drunk the night before graduation, he received his diploma hungover and confessed he had a thing for a teacher,” she finishes for you and you both laugh so hard. You can’t remember the last time you laughed so much.

“Oh my god, that was ridiculous,” you say, recalling the memory.

“It’s really funny now, but I still cringe thinking about it sometimes.”

If you were her, you would cringe too, “Jay is totally a step up from that mess.”

“So you’ll come to the party?” she asks.

You shrug even though she can’t see you, “I guess so.”

“Great,” you can feel her smile.

“I mean, it’s not like I have anything better to do,” you tell her, and it was the truth—you really don’t have anything else planned. There’s no way in hell you’re going home to your parents for the holidays; without a doubt they’d ask about Taehyung and you aren’t exactly ready to tell them yet. Also, you’d probably run into his mom and that would be bad.

“I promise you won’t regret it.”

***

On Christmas day, you call your parents. They bombard you with the typical you should call more and come visit. You manage to avoid questions that are too personal and promise that you’ll visit…soon.

As you call the other important people in your life, including Yoon, your hands itch to call Tae. It was your first Christmas, since that trip to visit your aunt all those years ago, without him and it honestly feels weird. When you woke up this morning, your mind immediately flashed back to Christmases past where you always woke up beside him. The yearning you haven’t felt in a while starts to return, but you don’t press his number that you’ve never bothered to delete.

The days following Christmas are a blur as you wait for the 31st to arrive. Admittingly, you’re actually kind of excited for the party; it’s going to be your first social outing in a while. Yoon called and told you it was going to a dressy event, meaning nicer clothes, so you spent hours trying to find the perfect outfit. You don’t even know why you were freaking out about clothes, but you wanted to look nice.

You end up finding a burgundy dress with an exposed back that makes you feel really good, and you feel happy for the first time in forever.

When New Year’s Eve finally rolls around, you slip into your slightly scandalous dress ready to take on the world. Yoon sends you the address of the place and you drive for about thirty minutes before arriving at a mansion.

Of course, you think to yourself as you pull into the circle driveway. This dude would live in a mansion even as an adult.

At the steps of the mansion, a man stands there and you look at him puzzled. “Yes?”

“Hello, miss, we can take your car and park it for you,” he says and you realize this must be a really fancy event.

“Oh, okay,” you say and get out of the car.

“Just let Mr. Jay or one of our staff know when you’re ready to leave,” he tells you before zooming away in your car.

You turn around a few times in the driveway, not knowing what to make of the situation, before making your way up the steps of the lavish house. When you reach the door, you don’t even have to reach for the handle—it opens before you can.

“Y/n?” someone calls your name.

You smile, “Yoon.”

Your old childhood friend stands in front of you in a gold fitted dress, looking even better now than she did in high school.

“Oh my god—you’re so hot now what the fuck,” she practically screeches before tackling you in a hug. You can’t help but laugh at her action, before hugging her back. “How is this even possible?”

You pull away, “Look who’s talking.”

She rolls her eyes, “Compared to you, I’m a potato.”

“I mean, you managed to snag Jay so I highly doubt that,” you say to her, an eyebrow raised. “By the way, this place is huge.”

“Oh, I know. I told Jay it was too big but he said it was perfect,” Yoon shrugs.

You look around, taking in the elaborate décor and high ceilings. It was all beautiful, but a little too much room for your personal taste. “I mean, I guess it makes a good place to host parties?”

“That’s the plan now.”

As you continue to take in all the glorious details, you realize something, “Where is everyone?”

You look at Yoon, wondering if you were somehow early but that couldn’t be because you were on time…or at least, you thought you were. But your friend looks at your confused expression and smiles.

“It’s a big place, remember? The party is on the other side of the mansion,” she explains and in that moment, you can hear music emitting from somewhere far.

Yoon grabs your arms and you two make your way across the mansion. The deeper Yoon pulls you into the house, the louder the music gets. As the bass starts to shake the floor, you start seeing more people. Actually, you start seeing a lot of people.

“Oh shit,” you say to yourself, surprised by the sheer amount of bodies.

“I know,” your friend yells in front of you and you’re surprised that she heard you. “This is technically my party, but it seems like Jay ended up inviting the whole city.”

Although there are many people present, it’s not like a party you would’ve attended back in high school. No one is dancing provocatively or getting wasted—everyone is just doing their own thing. Yoon walks you into a room with high ceilings, a glittering chandelier right in the center. The extravagant sight parts your mouth in awe; exactly how rich is Jay?

“Well, this is the party,” Yoon says after you close your mouth again. “Before you leave, come find me okay?”

You nod a couples times before you register her words, “Wait, what?”

“I have to go find Jay,” she shrugs.

“And you’re just going to leave me?”

Yoon smiles, “You’ll be fine.”

“What was the point of inviting me if you’re not going to bother to entertain me?” you might’ve appeared rather sarcastic, but you’re internally freaking out. You don’t want Yoon to leave you; what are you supposed to do? This party’s not your forte and you don’t know anybody else but her.

“I’m sure you will find someone else to entertain you,” she says, already walking away from you. What was that supposed to mean?

And with that, your only friend at the party abandons you. Suddenly, you find yourself feeling out of place in the sea of people. You quickly walk away from the center of the room and don’t stop until you find a bar. You pour yourself a drink, half-leaning against the wall. As you glance around the room, you feel slightly envious of everyone. They all seem like they’re having a great time…and you’re not feeling that same excitement anymore. You are so immersed in your thoughts, you don’t even notice the figure behind you. And you definitely do not expect to feel a hand on you.

Out of instinct, you jab your arm into them; but they stop you, grabbing a hold of your hand. You turn around, ready to give them a piece of mind. But when you realize who is behind you, the world seems to stop.

“Wha—” your mouth falls open, not able to form proper words. “T-Tae?”

The last person you expected to see is inches away from you, and you can’t even think.

Your mind is completely blank, devoid of any thoughts as you search his features. Not much has changed about him—same curved lips, nose perfectly sculpted by God himself. If anything, he just looks tired. Tears threaten to spill when your eyes finally meet his; in his gaze, you see all the emotions you’ve felt these past six months. Confusion, pain, anger, numbness—you see it all and it kills you inside.

In your rationality, you thought he would be okay; you thought that he didn’t need you. Now, you see that he’s hurt, and you’re the cause of it all. Fear spikes your system. You need to get away from him before you cause any more damage. But as you try to back away, you realize that his grip on you is tight.

Without saying a word, he forcefully pulls you forward and drags you through the crowd of people. Thankfully, no one really pays you two attention as Tae maneuvers the both of you away from the center of the party. You have no idea where he’s taking you, but you don’t try to resist because there would be no point. Tae turns into a hallway and opens a random door, shoving you inside. He locks the door behind him, and finally turns to face you. You can’t even look at him, feeling shameful that you’re actually in his presence again.

Silence fills the room before he talks, “Why?”

You stare at the floor, not knowing what to say.

“Why?” he suddenly grabs both of your shoulders, shaking you. “Why did you leave me?”

You let him shake you, feeling deserving of the action; you deserved all the bad in the world for what you did.

“Did you not know how much of a mess I was, huh? I thought you were just mad at me; ignoring me for a couple days. But when you never called back, I didn’t know to do. Fuck,” he lets you go to rake a hand through his hair. “I was so angry. How could you do that to me? You ruined me, y/n. Why are you so heartless?”

By now, tears are pouring down your face; but you’re angry too. He was angry with you? He was a mess? “You think you’re the only one who was hurting?”

“Well, I wasn’t the one who completely cut you from my life.”

More tears spill from your eyes. He doesn’t get it. “You’re an asshole, Kim Taehyung.”

While he was angry that you didn’t return any of his damn phone calls in six months, you were disappointed that after all these years he still couldn’t see your true feelings. You might’ve not seem him in a while, but the same feelings from six months ago were starting to creep back and you didn’t like it. You have almost forgotten how much your soul longed for him.

“I’m an asshole?” he asks incredulously.

You don’t say anything; instead, you turn back around and start to walk towards the door. Before you can get far though, Tae pulls you back.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“Away from you.”

“I haven’t seen you in six months and you want to leave already? Is that what you do best? Run away?” he asks.

His words are like a dagger to your heart. “Don’t ever talk to me again.”

“Why are you doing this, y/n? What the hell did I do?” he’s yelling at this point and the tears rush endlessly down your face. And before you can even help it, the words tumble right out of your mouth.

“You made me fall in love with you.”

The rooms falls silent and in that moment, you swear that you can hear Taehyung’s own heart beating. You can’t even look at him, feeling too embarrassed at your sudden confession. It’s the first time you’ve ever said the truth out loud; and even though you feel strangely liberated, a lingering feeling of rejection still harbors over you.

When the silence continues to swallow you up, you slowly start to regret ever saying anything.

“You know what? Forget I ever said anything,” you quickly say in attempts to clear the air. “I don’t even know why—”

“You’re in love with me?”

His words cause you to raise your head up and meet his eyes. There’s an emotion swirling in them that you can’t decipher. Since there’s no turning back now, you nod your head once and silent wait for his response. A few seconds pass before a smile morphs onto his face. The smile surprises you because you don’t get the gesture; why was he smiling?

“You’re in love with me?” he repeats his question, and you scrunch your brows as you nod your head again. “No, no—say it out loud.”

You blink a couple times, “Umm…I love you?”

“C’mon, say it more reassuringly.”

“I love you, Kim Taehyung,” you say with honesty because you do love him, you really do. The smile that graced his face a few seconds earlier is now a goofy grin that stretches from ear to ear. It’s a smile that scares you a bit because you still don’t understand the reason behind it.

“You,” he points in your direction before gesturing to himself, “love me.”

By this point, a string of laughter leaves you since he keeps repeating the same three words. “Yes I love you; why is that so unbelievable?”

“It’s not unbelievable,” he smirks and it is all so very Kim Taehyung. “But why did it take you so long to tell me? I mean, we’ve been friends forever.”

You slump against the wall, “And that is precisely the reason why. I-I didn’t want to ruin what we had already. You’re my best friend Tae, and I didn’t want to lose that. It also didn’t help that we were having sex together; I think that just made me fall harder, honestly.”

“I thought you wanted to keep it all no-strings-attached?”

“I did,” you sigh, “but it just all got so complicated.”

“Well, if it helps,” Tae starts, placing a hand along your cheek, “I’m in love with you too.”

He says it all so nonchalant that you barely catch the in love part. “You what?”

Tae looks down at you, now cupping both your cheeks, “I love you, y/n.”

“Are you just saying that because I confessed?” You’re in denial that Tae could be in love with you too because how can that even be? You were positive that he never saw you as more than a friend.

“Of course not; I think I’ve been in love with you since high school,” he admits, cheeks tinging a shade of red. “You were the cute girl in English class that all the boys liked, and I was just lucky to have gotten paired up with you on that project. When we became friends, it felt like a dream—I felt like I won the lottery. And because we were friends, I decided to suppress my feelings because you were important to me. But that winter break back in eleventh grade ruined me though. I have never regretted and cherished a night so much in my life.

“I figured I could live with simply being a friend who you fucked because I thought it was what you wanted. Now, however, I can see that we’ve been on the same boat all this time.”

When you hear his confession, you feel like so much heartbreak could’ve been prevented. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

He shrugs, “The fear of rejection, I guess. Being friends with benefits was comfortable and I was fine with it, until you completely walked out of my life.”

“I’m sorry,” you tell him. “I thought that was best. I thought you could live without me.”

“I could never live without you,” Tae’s eyes widen. “I was a mess without you these last six months. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for Jay and Yoon.”

That’s when everything clicked, “You know Jay and Yoon?”

Tae smiles sheepishly, “Jay was a guy I used to hang with before I met you—our parents are friends. We haven’t talked in years and probably wouldn’t have if I hadn’t decided to go home to visit my parents.”

“You did what?” this news shocks you. “They didn’t…they didn’t ask about me, did they?”

“Don’t worry, I just lied and said you were busy,” he says and you can breathe again. “But anyway, when I went home Jay happened to be in town too and when we went out for drinks, everything just spilled out of me. He then told me that his girlfriend used to be one of your close friends and I begged her to get in touch with you. And, since you’re here…I guess she did.”

Wow. This is all so unexpected. “So, you all basically devised this party just so you could see me?”

Tae just nods and you roll your eyes before shoving him away from you. Taehyung looks at you like you’re crazy. “What the hell, y/n?”

“Why can’t you ever just grab my attention like a normal person?” you ask him, and a smile returns on his face. “Why do you always sneak up on me?”

“You’ve always be fun to mess with.”

As Tae smiles at you, you decide to be spontaneous. You take that chance to fling yourself into his arms, wrapping your own around him. Tae reciprocates the hug and lets his head fall into the crook of your shoulder. “I really am sorry and I really, really do love you.”

Even though you can’t see his face, you can feel him smiling into your shoulder. “I know and I love you more.”

“I don’t think that’s possible,” you tell him, smiling.

He raises his head, “I’ve loved you longer, idiot.”

“So? Time doesn’t determine the strength of someone’s love.”

“Yes, it does, because I loved you first.”

“No, it doesn’t because I loved you so much I was willing to let you be happy.”

“I love you more,” he says.

“No, I do.”

“I do.”

“Tae, I love you more—” before you can continue to express how much more you love him, he shuts you up with a kiss. You haven’t kissed him in so long, you can feel your head spinning. As his lips move against yours, you feel desires that you thought died start to come alive again. You mold yourself closer to him, needing to feel him against you.

You pull away from him and he moves down your neck, “Since you claim you love me more, you should show me just how much…”

He raises his lips of your skin immediately, “Oh yeah?”

Smiling, you nod and laugh when he picks you up. He walks you two to the bed in the room and throws you on it before climbing on top as well.

“I feel kind of bad for always using people’s bedrooms,” you say as he starts to unzip your dress.

“I guess it’s just our thing,” Taehyung smiles at you before leaning in for another kiss.

Our thing. You repeat the word in your head, and you swear you’ve never been happier.

[mage-ellie]

His Wish

This is my first request from AO3! People seemed to like it so I thought I’d post it here too :) I’m open for small requests! Feel free to request headcanons/scenarios/prompts! I’ll write about any of the P5R cast. Akechi is just my favorite boy <3 All I ask is that you don’t request abusive/toxic relationships, yandere, smut of underaged characters (I will age them up though), or pieces that romanticize mental illnesses. I prefer to write fem!reader since i’m a girl and it’s easier for me, but if you say please, i’ll do my best to write GN and male!reader pieces! <3 

Warnings: P5R spoilers, lots of fluff

Word count: 2,497

Link to original post: Click me!

Summary:  All Goro Akechi had wished for was to be loved, to be needed, by someone, anyone. He never could've imagined that his wish would actually come true.

In less than 24 hours, Goro Akechi was going to be married.

He never could've imagined that he would live long enough to find love, let alone get married. He had also never imagined that he would be marrying one of the infamous Phantom Thieves. Although, he couldn't complain, she was quite the impressive thief, having managed to steal his heart right out from under his nose.

Goro was currently lying alone on the bed in the hotel room he was staying at. Their wedding reception was going to be held at the Yoshiki-en Garden in Nara, Japan. His fiancée had practically begged him to have their wedding there. The garden was at its most beautiful during the spring time. But truth be told, Goro would've married her any where, even in that little hole in the wall, Leblanc.

The soon to be husband couldn't stop replaying everything that lead up to this moment.

How she had practically forced him to live with her during the whole Maruki conundrum. How she confessed her feelings to him in March when he returned. How he told her he loved her for the first time during their date to the cherry blossom festival in Tokyo. How he proposed to her in front of all of their friends 3 years later at that same cherry blossom festival.

He was so nervous for tomorrow, and yet so excited. He actually found someone who wanted to be with him for who he was, not because of his celebrity status. She knew about all of his flaws and his horrific past, but not once did she let him doubt her love for him. She worked so hard to support him while he went to therapy, to help him make amends with Futaba and Haru, to help him come to terms with the fact that he deserved a second chance.

A few years ago, he would've been terrified at the thought of having someone in his life like this, but now, he couldn't imagine his life without her.

-

The next thing he knew, he was being awakened by the sound of someone slamming their fists against his hotel room door. Akira Kurusu, Ryuji Sakamoto, and Yusuke Kitagawa were currently standing outside of his room, each with a black tux in hand. As well as Morgana, who was sitting on the floor next to Akira's feet, already wearing a cute little handmade formal black vest. They wanted to get ready with Goro, seeing as it was his big day and all.

A little ways down the hall, the group of boys could hear a group of girls squealing about marriage, dresses and romance. It was 8 A.M. and they were already so energetic. The groom and his groomsmen all laughed to themselves, they were excited as well. This was the first marriage in their friend group after all.

Akira, Goro's best man, mentioned that he should try to take as many mental photos as he could, because this day would go by in a blur. Goro believed him, one moment the boys were standing at his door, ready to get the day started, and the next they were all dressed and making their way to the venue.

The normally oh so composed Goro Akechi was sweating bullets. His hands were clammy and his throat was dry. Never in his life had he felt so nervous, so unprepared.

Before he knew it, it was suddenly 3 P.M. and the ceremony was beginning. Only your closest friends and family made up the audience. No media or paparazzi in sight. Goro shifted his weight from one leg to the other, he hadn't seen you all day. His heart raced as music began and you appeared in your gorgeous white wedding gown, Sojiro by your side, walking you down the aisle. He felt a hard lump forming in his throat at the sight of you. You always looked gorgeous to him, but in that moment, he truly believed that you were an angel sent from above.

A soft, teary eyed smile spread across his face as you made your way closer to him. He knew he'd be teased by the others for the rest of his life for crying while you walked down the aisle, but he didn't care. All that mattered, was that you were now standing before him, in a gown he never imagined he'd see you in. A warm, comforting smile made its way to your cheeks from behind your veil as you looked up into his eyes. It was taking all of his self control to not kiss you right then and there.

He could hear the officiant speaking about love and happiness, but he wasn't really listening. Goro was too busy taking as many mental pictures as he could fit into his brain. He only tuned back in when you brought up a small index card filled with writing. It was your vow to him.

"My dearest Goro. Never in a million years had I imagined that I would be spending the rest of my life with you, and to be honest, I'm pretty sure you had thought the same thing." You began, a light giggle coming from your throat. The Phantom Thieves, Sae and Sojiro also laughed, knowing what you meant by that. He had quite the troublesome past with the thieves after all. "Despite our differences in the past, I can't imagine being with anyone else. I vow to you that I'll work tirelessly to show you my love, to always be there for you, and to give you the home and family that you deserve." If he hadn't been so entranced by the way you looked while reading your vows to him, your words would've had him sobbing. "I love you Goro," He froze when your voice cracked, "I'm so happy that you're home." He knew what you meant by that. He remembered how devastated you looked when he told you that he might not have survived during Shido's palace, but he wouldn't dwell on the memory, he was with you now, right?

It was his turn. Shakily, he pulled out a card with his vows on it from his tux pocket. Taking a deep breath to calm his nerves, he began. "Y/N, my love. I truly didn't believe that I would live long enough to find love like this. And you're right, never had I imagined that I would be marrying you of all people." He watched as you lifted a hand to your mouth and laughed, your eyes lit up as you did so, the other thieves snickering along with you. He was glad that you could all laugh about the past like this. It lifted a guilty weight off of his shoulders. "And yet, here I am, unable to picture this day any other way. These past few years, you've shown me a love that I've never known. Today, I vow to you that I'll spend the rest of my days finding ways to bring happiness to you, like you've brought to me. I vow that I'll protect you and cherish you with my entire being." He looked up momentarily, amazed by the fact that a single tear was making its way down your cheek. "I love you Y/N. It's good to be home." He watched as you nearly broke down at his last sentence. You took a moment to close your eyes and take a deep breath.

The officiant started talking about your rings, but once again, Goro was too busy staring at you to listen. The sound of you squealing is what brought him back to reality. He watched as Morgana trotted down the aisle, carefully balancing a pillow on his head and carrying the rings to you both. You had a look of pure delight on your face, apparently, Akira had told you that Morgana wouldn't be able to make it because cats weren't allowed or something, but of course, your kitty friend wouldn't miss this day for the world.

Everyone in the audience cooed at the cat as he sat in front of you both with a smug grin on his face. You both reached down for the rings, your hand lingered for a moment to scratch the black cat on the head.

Goro melted into your touch when you took his hand so you could put the ring on his finger, it was a simple silver band with both of your initials engraved on the inside. Next, Goro delicately took your hand in his and slid the crown shaped wedding ring onto your left ring finger. He was the ace detective prince after all, marrying him made you his queen, right?

The officiant spoke a bit more before saying the words Goro had been waiting to hear all day. "I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may kiss the bride."

Goro gently lifted the veil from your face, but before he could lean in, you had pushed yourself onto the tips of your toes and pressed your lips to his, your arms making their way around his neck. You had been waiting just as long for this moment as he had. He quickly slipped his arms around your waist and pulled you close to him, reveling in the feeling of your lips.

Cheers erupted from the small crowd as you two pulled away. "I love you Goro Akechi." You whispered, only loud enough for him to hear. "I love you too, Y/N Akechi." His response was just as quiet as yours. Saying your first name with his last name did funny things to his heart. He wasn't sure if he'd ever get used to it, not that he minded. It would be a reminder that someone out there truly did love him.

The rest of the night was a blur for Goro. His most prominent memories of the night were of Sojiro sobbing when he danced with you, Morgana and Futaba arguing over who got to dance with you next, Ann screaming when she caught the bouquet of flowers you had thrown, and the way you looked, swaying slowly in his arms to a song he didn't know the lyrics to, but you knew every word. He wasn't even sure if he got to eat a slice of the expensive wedding cake that he had paid for.

By the time you both made it to the bridal suite, you were exhausted. Goro was barely able to get your wedding dress off of you before you passed out on the bed. He did his best to carefully remove your makeup so you wouldn't have to worry about it in the morning. He couldn't help but stare at you for a bit as you laid beside him, the light from the moon making your skin glow. His mind was ready to burst from how many mental photos he had taken throughout the day.

Gently, as to not disturb you, he wrapped you in his arms and drifted to sleep while going over the memories he had of this day.

-

5 years.

You and Goro have been married for 5 years now. Goro couldn't deny that he was happy to wake up next to you every day.

However, today was different. He knew that you had planned to meet up with the girls for an early breakfast, but you didn't wake him up to say goodbye. Usually, on the rare occasions that you would have to leave your shared house before he woke up, you'd wake him up and give him a kiss goodbye.

He had noticed that you had been a bit distant lately, and he couldn't help but worry. Were you falling out of love with him? Were you cheating on him? Was it something worse? His mind filled with all sorts of negative questions and concerns in an attempt to figure out why you were acting the way you were.

Goro waited for you on the couch in your home, planning on confronting you about your strange behavior when you got back. In the 8 years that you've been together, you've never once done something like this, so he was incredibly scared.

The familiar jingle of keys and turning of the lock on the front door signaled your safe arrival home. He watched you freeze for a moment when you made eye contact with him, uncertainty and nervousness clouding your once bright eyes. Goro raised an eyebrow, despite the fear that coursed through his veins.

You took a deep breath before approaching him silently, once in front of him, you dug around in your purse for a moment, before handing him a small white box with a red ribbon tied around it. He stared at the box, shocked as you took a seat beside him. Goro could feel you staring at him, burning a hole into the side of his head. A... gift? This wasn't what he was expecting at all.

"Well?" Your voice sounded so small. Were you afraid of something? He took a moment to look at you before untying the ribbon and opening the box, inside sat three pregnancy tests. Each one testing positive. It took a moment for his brain to process this information. You were pregnant, with his child. That's why you had been so distant. The two of you almost never talked about kids. Due to his traumatic past, Goro believed that he would never be a good father, even with all of the therapy and support from you, he could never see himself being one.

"You're pregnant." He breathed, still staring at the pregnancy tests. "Yeah." You sounded so tired, sad even. Despite his original negative stance on becoming a father, he couldn't help but feel joy. He was going to be the father of your child. He was being given the chance to start a family of his own.

Slowly, he turned towards you, staring down at your stomach. You weren't really showing yet. "Well?" You repeated. Your voice shook, on the verge of tears. Goro didn't respond with words, he just leaned forwards and pushed you into the couch, his arms wrapped around your back and his face pressed into your stomach. He couldn't stop the sob that escaped his lips. He never could've imagined this. Despite his initial fears, he would do his best to be the greatest father that he could be.

Your body shook as you began sobbing as well, one hand gripping the back of his head and the other resting against his back, holding him as he cried.

"I'm going to be a dad?" He cried into your stomach, needing to confirm that this was real. "You're going to be a dad, and an amazing one at that." Your response was so genuine, it made it impossible for him to believe otherwise.

His wish of being loved, of being needed, had really come true.

[peace-coast-island]

Diary of a Junebug

On a cliff with a silk cherry blossom tree

I'm back with some of the Knights of the Withering Woods on a sorta spontaneous trip to see the silk cherry blossoms. By spontaneous I mean Ambrosia and I talked about it when I last visited the cafe and how it would be nice if we ended up running into each other. Then we kinda started making plans and it turned into a little get together.

So with me and Daisy Jane are Ambrosia, Latte, and Olive. Things have thankfully settled down at the Harmonious Cafe to the point where it's been pretty uneventful so the others can finally sit back.

Ambrosia's been keeping us up to date on everything regarding the cafe and everyone's lives. Although she's kinda intimidating at first, she's actually a pretty cool person, one who can easily make friends. When I first met her and the others, I was impressed by how well everyone got along like lifelong friends despite not having met until quite recently. Now I know their secret - it's Ambrosia.

Harmony and the others back at the cafe are using the down time to focus on future plans like expansion and exploring further out. With more places open to travel thanks to the Knights, more and more people are passing by the woods so Harmony wants to be able to keep up with the demand. I wonder how different the place will look the next time I drop by.

According to Olive, silk cherry blossoms signify new beginnings, moving on from the past and forging a new future. In short, they are considered lucky, especially for those who are in need of a new start or are currently embarking on a new path. All I know is that there's legends surrounding them and that they're quite rare so coming across a tree is a big deal.

Now that I've finally seen them in person, I can see what's the hype's all about. I mean, they are pretty to look at with the soft and delicate pinks and reds. But something about them makes them fascinating to look at, almost hypnotizing, for lack of a better word. Like just by looking at them, I feel reassured. I'd like to think that some things in the world have that affect on us - maybe that's how the legend of silk cherry blossoms came to be.

For Ambrosia, the blooming of the blossoms serve as a celebration for her. As of today, she's been sober for a full year, a milestone that she never thought she'd reach. Likewise, Latte's almost reached the one year mark of being sober, so knowing that Ambrosia's able to pull through gives her encouragement to do the same. It's good to see and hear that they're doing well and getting the help they need - Harmony plays a big role in that.

As for Olive, she's been going through a bit of a hard time in her civilian life so she's staying in the woods on an extended break. Basically she was friends with someone from work who seemed like a nice person but turned out to be toxic and manipulative. Said person took advantage of Olive and a bunch of other people's kindness, resulting in an abuse of power that could've ruined a lot of lives.

Speaking of that, Latte happened to find a post from one of those "am I the asshole?" threads that is definitely from that person. It's one of those things that's funny because of how unaware OP is but also sad at the same time. Based on the details, Olive knows for sure it's her. And not only that, but apparently she posted there a few times, complaining about why people don't trust her, completely unaware that she's the problem.

The post in question was about OP complaining about her former colleagues being mad at her when she asked them for their most prized possessions for research. However she tricked them and instead used the stuff to activate a potentially dangerous artifact, which didn't go so well. The items were destroyed in the process so everyone got rightfully upset at her and she doesn't understand what the big deal is since the stuff was old.

Olive reluctantly gave her an antique watch that belonged to her fiance who passed away, only after she was somewhat coerced to do so. The watch hasn't worked for years but now it's broken in pieces - which was upsetting for Olive as that was something that had been in her fiance's family for generations, being his most prized possession before passing it on to her. When OP told Olive that she was "overreacting over a piece of junk owned by a dead guy" (insensitive much?), that was the point when Olive realized that the friendship wasn't going to work out.

And there was another post from last year that made us completely roll our eyes. Basically, OP said that therapy is evil because it made her lose a friend. All because that person stood up to her and told her to fuck off. OP claims to be a "good friend" who wants to help someone do things "the right way", which just means OP manipulated that friend by taking advantage of them. Then OP had the gall to get mad when the other person not only called them out on it, but also got counseling to actually deal with their problems instead of whatever OP wanted them to do.

Olive says she kinda felt bad for that person at first - and she still kinda does - but it doesn't excuse a lot of her actions. They hadn't known each other for long but being with her took a toll on Olive's mental health. It's already bad enough that she's been going through some rough times, and that person ended up making things worse. So it's a good thing she can turn to the Knights and step away from the fallout of that. She doesn't know how long she's gonna stay in the Withering Woods other than not indefinitely because she'll have to go back to the city eventually.

For now, Olive's taking the time to deal with things as well as reevaluate some parts of her life that she's been kinda putting off for a while. I remember when I first visited the woods the other Knights said they know the least about her - it's not that she doesn't fit in, it's just that she hasn't spent as much time together with the others. It's good to see her surrounded by a good support system, especially after barely getting out of a toxic friendship.

Life may be a dumpster fire sometimes but it doesn't always have to be doom and gloom. Things go to hell a lot (some more than others, unfortunately) so it's good to find something or someone to turn to so you can try to stay afloat. That's pretty much how Harmony and the Knights came together. I'd hate to think what would happen if they didn't have each other - pretty sure some - Harmony and Ambrosia come to mind - wouldn't be alive today.

Today was one of those days where we weren't expecting much so seeing the blossoms was more special than we thought. It's one of those moods where you kinda feel like doing something but don't have the energy to put a lot of effort into it. As much as we wanted to see the silk cherry blossoms, we didn't want to turn it into such a big deal that it turns stressful and takes away from the magic of exploring and experiencing something for the first time.

None of us really felt up for a hike so we just walked around with no destination in mind. We did follow a trail for a bit before going off that, choosing whatever paths look like they require the least effort to walk through but also look like it has good spots for sightseeing. So it was a nice surprise to come across a silk cherry blossom tree up close in a spot that's not hard to get to - something that we weren't sure was possible. According to our research, the trees grow best on cliffs so the higher, the better. Compared to pictures, the one we found is on the small side but size means nothing when it comes to the beauty of the blossoms.

I think it's better that we went off the usual path, finding a silk cherry blossom tree in a place others wouldn't consider looking. Since it's the beginning of the season, there's gonna be a lot of people hiking up the cliffs, which was another reason why we didn't feel up to a trek. Having this little cliff to ourselves feels special, like finding a secret location - except it's clearly not secret as there are benches for us to sit and admire the blossoms in. I think it's just one of those places we tend to overlook because why settle here when there's something better up ahead?

As I've learned over the years, you don't have to always aim for the biggest and the best. There's nothing wrong with being content with what's there. I think part of it has to do with expectations. There's nothing wrong with having them, but I think sometimes we get wrapped up with them to the point it completely clouds our judgment. It's good to have some expectations - after all, we need something to hold on to - but it's also good to balance that with an open mind.

I went to see the silk cherry blossoms with the expectation that it'll be a pleasant view. On one hand, I wanted the full experience of climbing the cliffs and reaching the top to find the largest tree. But on the other hand, I was content with just finding a tree and being able to experience the blossoms for the first time. After all, who says you can't experience something more than once?

Maybe one day I'll venture up higher and explore the cliffs some more. And maybe I'll have a different experience with the silk cherry blossoms since I'll be seeing them in all its majestic glory. Who knows how different things will be in the future? What kind of meaning will the blossoms hold then?

[pennylogue]

thoughts on some details in prickly pear. mostly steven’s arc, because that’s where we all are with this show right now, don’t deny:

-remember when people (including me) thought that steven gardening would be a healthy effort to reconnect with his humanity, only for it to be crashed by his cactus? 

steven: “me time? i’m hardly alone! look at all of these plants that i’ve sublimated my unceasing need to care for other people into! isn’t it great how they, unlike sapient beings, won’t leave me?” 

-like i’ve seen so many parallels drawn between his behavior and white diamond’s behavior in this episode, it would take forever to list them all.  but needless to say, it’s extremely unnerving. he wants a perfect, stagnant little world where he’s in control of everything and that is not by any means okay. 

but like, i’m so here for it. they are breaking steven down thoroughly and from six different directions, and it’s absolutely fantastic. hey, we got this with like...every other significant character. that’s why they’re such good characters. and it plays into steven’s identity issues, which is just...delicious. this is such a toxic whirlpool, and it’s really getting to him. 

-and another gem appearance goes by with me screaming at the gems as they exit to stage an intervention, to please don’t go, stay back and force him to accept the help he thinks he doesn’t want and doesn’t know how to ask for.

-steven is bothered by how the gems aren’t “impressed”. not only is this a massive misread of what’s going on, it’s kind of an interesting insight into steven. dude hasn’t felt like he had to impress the gems in literally seasons...probably because he was doing something important at the time, and felt like he was a part of the crystal gems. that he had a purpose. it all circles back, huh?

-and he wants approval, so of course he goes to the gems, and they give it to him. and it’s fucking cute, if a little worrying that he’s still so heavily depending on magical qualities to get approval from the gems.

-steven needs a fucking therapist. dude says how great the beach is because it never changes (which is also just...not true, beaches change constantly because that’s how nature works, HUH) and then starts venting to a sapient cactus. honey.

-steven, paraphrased: “who am i to decide what’s best for everyone? everyone’s better off learning from the rest of the crystal gems. i used to be helpful, but nobody needs me anymore. Hhhh, why, do I need to be needed!? Steven, pull it together!”

ho boy we got some shit to unpack there. @fanfoolishness has compared steven to a shark that needs to keep swimming or it’ll drown, so here we have the shark being told to stop swimming. as far as steven’s subconscious is concerned, despite him factually knowing he’s gotta chill, he can’t stop swimming. he’s gotta keep it together so he’ll be available when, not if, people need help. and if they won’t ask for help, he’ll project his own issues into them. he can’t stop. he knows that, he’s so sure of it.

if he does--he’ll drown.

-”hhh, i’m so sorry to dump this on you.” leave it to steven to apologize for venting to a cactus.

-”and he said my name.” god pearl i love you so much.

-steven’s thoughts manifesting as something that hurts to touch. HMMMM...

-steven has such skewed perceptions of how his moms are gonna react, it’s actually painful. pearl wouldn’t fall apart on him, because she’s grown past that. amethyst and garnet would want to help him, not give him haughty advice--and if he made it clear that’s how it was coming off, they would try to change their behavior. but steven can’t criticize them. he locks all his negative thoughts about others away and lets them eat at him. combine that with him being needed to therapist people to help them = they can’t grow without them, combine that with amethyst being so obviously happy and satisfied and mature to the point where she’s trying to help him when he used to help her...

ho boy.

-i’ve seen people draw parallels to pink’s behavior when he boxes off the cactus for trying to spill his secrets. tbh, this is how i see pink. flailing and following through on misguided instincts. it sucks to see steven going down this road...in that case, it’s good that he can notice how messed up they are and take a second look at them before it’s too late. boy’s messed up, but he’s not as messed up as rose quartz. HOORAY. 

*pathetic little burst of confetti*

-”why’d you stay all this stuff? why’d? 

“oh you know why’d.” 

it’s that kind of thing where you can admit your feelings to yourself...but you can’t look at them too closely, right? they’re too ugly. but he knows they’re there.

-and of course he doesn’t want help from amethyst. not when it comes with the possibility of pity. and he does not want pity, remember? he’s not pitiful! there’s nothing wrong with him!

-the gem’s being worried about steven...like, you gotta understand, his first priority is for the gems to not be worried about anything. so if they’re worried about him, that’s him screwing up as bad as he could screw up.

-steven springs from worry over cactus steven to anger in the time it takes for cactus steven to say “what’s wrong with you!” HONEY.

-“i wish you wouldn’t talk!” yeah it really sucks when your toxic feelings can’t be easily suppressed and shut down, despite the fact that boxing up feelings causes them to become warped and twisted and it’s only when you let them out into the open they can grow and blossom properly and then leave you.

oh wait.

-so steven maybe thought he had diamond mode on lockdown. or more likely, he’s just too angry to care. like, when you’re angry, you don’t care about lashing out. you don’t care about the terrible things you’re saying...until you’re not angry anymore. and then you care. if you’re steven, you care too much.

wonder if diamond mode was what gave cactus steven that extra jolt to grow so much?

-the slow, careful way steven sets cactus steven down as soon as pearl calls him is. just. so worrying.

-IT LITERALLY BREAKS OUT BECAUSE IT CAN’T STAY LOCKED UP ANYMORE, IT’S TOO BIG AND ANGRY. 

-steven slicing up cactus steven with that shield is...probably one of the most violent uses we’ve seen of his shield. 

-”why don’t you come back in, oh, let’s say, a couple of hours, for ne reason whatsoever?” su has no patience for sitcom rules XD

-amethyst, at cactus steven: “cool.” they aren’t going to attack his thoughts on sight, even if they seem strange. it’s only when cactus lashes out that they’re going to fight it.

-sweet, sweet catharsis. look how surprised the gems are when cactus repeats all the things steven has said. feels good to have some of this steam let out of the boiling teakettle that it steven universe right now.

-on one hand, steven has to embrace his dark thoughts and let himself get feel the pain of them so they can finally make peace with him, turn into something better, and leave.

on a less metaphorical perspective, though, this does feel a lot like old su in a worrying way. steven has to help someone else be okay, even if it means he takes collateral damage. sure, this time the negative feelings were on him, but to me, it feels like it’s not going to shake steven out of caretaker mode in the way that he obviously needs to.

like, he learned to be less aggressive towards people who don’t deserve it, but i don’t feel like he’s learned to...you know...not repress everything so that doesn’t happen. what, is he just going to try to contain his emotions even harder? 

-like,  you could take that closing line two ways. “I think i’ve said enough.” one way, he could be looking at all of this collateral damage and decided he’s gonna zip up even more. but also, i’ve seen @faelapis say that steven thinks enough of his inner thoughts have been put out into the world that there’s no going back, and this is him acknowledging it.

it could be either. it could be both. who the hell knows.

-god but seriously that depressed way he says “i think i’ve said enough.” a hand to zach calliston, who’s voice acting this season has been ludicrously good.

-but wow, this episode went heavy into steven. i feel like even after all this, i’ve not really managed to sum up the turmoil that’s rolling around inside of him. identity issues, self-loathing, controlling behavior, misplaced aggression and violence, inability to process change, not wanting to inconvenience those he cares about with his problems, it’s a wonderfully balanced cocktail where each issue brings out the worst in the other issues. 

he’s getting dragged downwards by it, and he needs an intervention. cause there’s no digging himself out of this on his own.

-like the entirety of steven universe, yeah, he was getting traumatized. season 4 and season 5 were especially brutal. we all knew it. we all joked about.

i just didn’t, you know, expect them to address it in canon.

[aidemint]

𝐑𝐞𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐨𝐧 - 𝐊𝐚𝐠𝐚𝐲𝐚 𝐔𝐛𝐮𝐲𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐤𝐢

Word Count: 1781

Warnings: Mentions of smoking

__

I told myself I would stop smoking, for the sake of my own sanity. I'd already thrown out all the nicotine I had and invested the money in books. Judging by how many novels I'd bought with the new budget, it was a good decision. A step in the right direction, considering that I was a writer.

Sighing as I organized the pile of books on the floor, stacking them so they fit perfectly into my bookshelf, I grumbled as I fought the urge to go out and suck on my pipe. Maybe there were leftovers still stuck in there. Once I realized my thought process, I shouted and hurriedly stuffed the novels into their place and fumed. Stomping out the door, I wanted to do something to stop this toxic cycle.

I should do something different. There has to be something to do.

Maybe my horrible life was a byproduct of all the shitty decisions I made so far. My publishing company didn't fail me, at least. I couldn't say that my career was a total flop, and I had a consistent paycheck, but I just felt so damn sad and lonely all the time. Sure, I was whining, but it wasn't for no good reason.

Plus, it wasn't like I hated every single thing on the planet Earth, I was just in a rut. Motivation was fleeting and I didn't have enough energy to chase after it. Not without an excuse, at least. I spent my days tirelessly writing and working my ass off for deadlines. To think I once enjoyed writing -- that was a long time ago, when I was a child. I'd daydream for hours, weaving fantasies in my head like I was on mushrooms.

How I wished to get a glimpse of the old days, to feel what I felt way back when I wasn't like this. I was so sure I was going to die alone and miserable, since I broke all the old connections I had when I started my career. It wasn't part of the contract or anything, I just felt that if I were to be mature, then I should sever off my childhood -- drop it like a lizard to its cut-off tail.

My jaw clenched as I spotted my pipe on the ground. I picked it up, squinting in distaste, debating about whether I should or shouldn't go to the market to get another good smoke in. I could drown out my worries that way.

Scoffing at myself, I took the fragile wooden tube and broke it in half, tossing it into the bushes.

How stupid.

__

Two days later, I was still in that same mood. But instead of twiddling my thumbs and lounging around like some lazy pig, I tried to pick up a new hobby while still reminiscing at the old days.

Ah, to be young.

I sounded like some old geezer.

But I kept thinking.

I miss everyone.

__

A week passed and I could safely say I was in a better mood. My cravings weren't as bad, and I tended to chew on mint leaves rather than suck on that damn wooden pipe.

Maybe for this reason, the universe decided to gift me a surprise.

The invitation arrived by crow. I was outside, doing some garden work when that black bird flew in front of me, its beady eyes analyzing every single one of my features. For a moment, it seemed hesitant to come near, but the creature eventually hopped its way to my feet and dropped a note by them.

I could have imagined it, but it seemed as if the crow gave me a slight bow before flapping it great wings and flying away. Eyeing the rolled-up parchment carefully, I picked it up and unraveled it, curious to see what message was displayed inside.

(Y/N),

I hope this letter finds its way to you without interruption. It's been a long time since we've last spoken, so before we get to the technicalities, I'd like to know: how are you? Hopefully you're in a prosperous position, one of good wealth and balance. I remember you always went on about becoming a renowned poet, and I think you're quite close to achieving that dream. Just yesterday I bought one of your books, and the limericks and clever haikus are quite entertaining.

Anyways, the real reason I wrote to you so late in our relationship is that I've been meaning to see you again. The last time we met, if I recall it correctly, was ten years ago -- far too long of a time for friends to be separated, no?

During these years, I imagine that a lot has changed. You're out and about, pursuing your dream and accomplishing your wildest dreams. It's admirable, to say the least. Though my disability hinders the possibility of me becoming a sumo wrestler, I am doing better than expected (even though I live with that disappointment).

I've just realized, in the middle of my jest, the topic has suddenly shifted to me. It's unpleasant, seeing how little control I have over my words. Please accept my apology, (Y/N), as I don't expect you to become suddenly infatuated with my life, nor does the meeting represent a discussion about the current events happening in my little "circle."

I just truly want to catch up with you. One of my greatest wishes is to see you again after all these years. I've missed our kinship.

So please, I implore you to come. There will be a guide outside of your house an hour after this crow is delivered. Please do not be frightened by the methods taken to bring you to my estate -- I'm sure you understand based on our previous history together.

I'm looking forwards to our potential reunion.

- Kagaya Ubuyashiki

My teeth tugged at my bottom lip as I closed the scroll, feeling tears well up in my eyes. With a tidal wave of memories flooding back into my mind, I couldn't help but want to cry. Kagaya was one of the people that made my childhood worthwhile. I'd met him when I was eight, while he was nine. We spent our free time together, however small the amount was.

Despite being so young, we were always busy. I took advanced courses at home, tutored by poets and writers from across the community. My parents did all they could to help me on my way to success, which I was grateful for. I never knew what Kagaya did, as he always kept it a secret, but I appreciated him nonetheless. He seemed so mature, even at age nine.

The way he thought was like a philosopher. Whenever I showed him my work, he'd bring about inquiries that would dumbfound even the greatest of my masters. I wondered how he did it and always wanted to be like him -- diligent, thoughtful, understanding.

Even now as an adult, he never fails to blow me away with his humility.

Sighing once more as I swept the stray tears off of my face, I pocketed the scroll and continued to do my garden work until the guide came. I was just about done when a masked figure strolled up to my home and asked me if I was (Y/N) (L/N). In response, I nodded and exchanged greetings before hopping onto their back and being blindfolded by the figure.

"I hope Master already told you about the procedure," they muttered awkwardly, "It's to prevent information from leaking." I laughed lightly and waved the thought away. Too excited to see my old friend again, the commentary bounced off me like rain to an umbrella.

"It's a smart idea." With that, the guide hauled me onto their back and took off running along their designated path.

__

Once I could finally see again, I blinked for a couple moments to let my eyes adjust to the blinding light. Though my vision was blurry and I couldn't quite make out the scene in front of me, I sensed multiple presences waiting for me at the entrance to the estate. When I'd finally cleared all the fog out of my head, I felt myself instinctively draw in a small gasp.

There Kagaya was, standing in the middle of a group of colorful figures. He wore a small and docile smile, gently waving at me from a distance. I quickly thanked the guide as I slid off of their back and made my way over to him. The ravenette regarded me with a kind look, and spread his arms as a welcoming gesture.

All the world's noise seemed to come upon deaf ears the closer I got to him.

Though his lips moved and the trees rustled, all I could hear was the sound of my own heart beating, thrumming through my eardrums. The sound of the flowing of blood in my veins became more prominent as I got increasingly star-struck.

Was this reality? Or just another twisted dream that came back to haunt me?

I wanted to believe that it was real. I desperately prayed, in that moment, that this was real. Maybe in a few seconds I would wake up, breathing heavily, covered in sweat in my futon on the ground. Then I'd squeeze my eyes shut again, crying for the sweet dream to come back to me. But as my staggers became steadier, and those steady strides quickened, I had a newfound energy to hope.

To believe that my life wasn't so hopelessly lost.

When the tips of my fingers reached my friend's kimono, my heart blossomed. The silk seemed to greet my touch like they already knew each other, despite the sensation being so foreign. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. I wanted to collapse onto the ground and sob until my eyes fell out of their sockets.

To think that the connections hadn't been severed, but rather weakened, was the greatest relief I'd ever experienced. It spurred me to think that maybe I could reconnect with the outside world rather than keep to myself all the time.

The possibility of not being alone and feeling a socially ambiguous made my insides tingle with excitement -- with childish wonder. There was someone who still cared for me, who still waited for me all these years, who was kind enough to reach out and contact me, the recluse, the hermit.

When I fell into his arms, breathless, I closed my eyes and finally smiled.

I could smile again.

And be thankful.

And finally feel like I was somebody.

I couldn't have asked for anything more.

[reignofolympus]

anonymous asked:   What are some of the more peculiar details about Zeus? Like things you wouldn't have expected from him?

i think the difference between zeus when i started writing him, to the zeus i write now is peculiar enough:  and that’s the product of years of writing and development that i’m quite proud of, so i have plenty of things to offer.  to start, what zeus was like when i first wrote him is almost embarrassing to remember.  he was stiff, arrogance and anger his only personality traits, so prim and proper it was icky, and just a general stick in the mud.  he had no flavour.  he was bland and one-dimensional.  (i was also 13 when i started writing him so... do with that what you will haha)

zeus now is colourful and fun, and full of so many little quirks and details that i adore, but never could have predicted all those years ago when i started writing him.  zeus still holds some of that original essence:  he’s arrogant, he can be quick to anger, he’s still very proper when the situation calls for it.  but he’s also emotional.  i think that’s one of the things about zeus i didn’t expect at first.  it doesn’t take much to make him mad, nor to make him cry.  when he’s happy, its infectious.  when he’s stressed, his world feels like its imploding.  he’s so full of emotion and that’s such a difference from where i started, and the kicker is that he’s...  pretty willing to show it.  he might not cry in front of strangers, but he’ll express his sadness, or his rage, his grief, his happiness, his frustration -- all of it.

there are other, smaller details i enjoy.  zeus being a thrill-seeker and a vegetarian are two things he most definitely was not when i started out, but it feels right.  he loves adventure, he loves being spontaneous (just not at the expense of olympus).  being vegetarian is small, lmao, but he was the opposite when i started writing him so that caught me off guard.

zeus’ love of family is also something that caught me off guard.  when i started, my assumption had always been that zeus didn’t care about his family, and that the reason he was estranged was because of this dislike, and not a huge multitude of other feelings and complications.  i’ve learned through writing his relationships that he loves his family so much, and the problem was always expressing that, and balancing those feelings with his very difficult task of running olympus which often led to resentment on both sides.  but its never been a question of love.

i think the other really peculiar thing that i finally fully embraced is zeus’ feminine side.  when i started, he was a “macho man”, full of pride and ego and all that toxic nastiness because i was young and naive.  but zeus has really blossomed into the kind of god to challenge gender norms and be comfortable with all aspects of his gender expression, and who likes to dress in all kinds of clothing and its really just. a testament to the peace that zeus has found in our journey together, but also the peace i’ve found in writing him the way that feels right.

[bangtanscenery]

April Showers Masterlist

Winter moves into spring, but the chill still sits at your nose. Come April, and the chill may still be there, rain greeting you in showers that feed little seedlings. Will those flowers grow?

Introducing the first part of our two-part collaborative project: April Showers Bring May Flowers.

Below the cut, you’ll find stories that’ll bring your showers upon you, written by an amazing group of artists. Be sure to also check out our May Flowers Masterlist!

BOY IN LUV

Seokjin is the crush of your entire school. He won the Prom King award six times, and he wasn’t even in high school the first two times. Everyone loves him. But you’re his neighbor, and you’ve seen his worst. You don’t like him.

written by @heyitsmeee2​​ ~ READ HERE

PLEASE DON’T GO

You and Jin were partners in the Police force, and soon became romantic with each other. After investigating a murder you are gunned down during an on foot pursuit. Not knowing if you will pull through, Jin stays by your side in the hospital, not knowing if he will ever get an answer to questions left unsaid.

written by @boywivlove​​ ~ READ HERE

KNUCKLEHEADS

When you refuse to take care of yourself, you’re accepting that the consequences may vary. Or Kendall and Yoongi can’t seem to find a balance within their work and it’s doing more damage than they think.

written by @randomkoalablog​​ ~ READ HERE

PHANTOM

“It’s your papa and mama’s song.”

written by @bangtiddies​​ ~ READ HERE

AMARYLLIS

The year is 1170 AD in the kingdom of Goryeo. Nestled in a quiet corner of their world, two people are drawn together and love blossoms in their hearts. However, as tensions begin to rise between their nations, they are unwillingly pulled into the conflict. Their determination to overcome all odds becomes the nail needed for Fate to hammer into their coffins.

written by @thebiasrekkers​​ (Admin E) ~ READ HERE

LOVE ON BORROWED TIME

Dating Hoseok for the past year had been the best time of your life so far. Your soulmate took care of you, surprised you and made you feel so loved. So why can’t you feel happy when he proposed to you this warm spring day?

written by @namluve​​ ~ READ HERE

PIECES OF YOU

Spring patched up old wounds with its warm breezes and flowers blooming everywhere in sight. It slowly introduced summer, as an old friend, ready to greet Hoseok with nostalgic memories of his childhood and wrap him up in an embrace full of new adventures. Then came fall with it’s cold winds and abrupt endings, disguised in a cloak full of mesmerising colors and sights.

Lastly came winter, stripping everyone of joy and warmth, leaving its traces all over the skin. Ruthless, merciless — it marked a new beginning of endings.

written by @yoongified​​ ~ READ HERE

AND THEY WERE ROOMMATES

Your roommate and long-time one-sided crush disappears one morning, leaving behind only a post-it note stating two things: 

1. He’s off to finally meet the love of his life whom he met on the internet, might take the whole summer;  2. The name of his friend that will be sub-renting while he’s gone, don’t worry it’s all taken care of; 

written by @joonsrack​​ ~ READ HERE

SLEEP ALONE

The timer on your wrist is ticking away until the moment you get to meet your soulmate. You often spend time daydreaming about your him. The time remaining on the timer has fluctuated throughout your life. Each big decision you or your soulmate makes can have an affect on the timer. A week before you finally get to meet, the timer gets extended by an additional forty years.

written by @spicykoreantatertots​​ ~ READ HERE

TEARS OF ANDROMEDA

Namjoon loves you. You are the sun to his moon. It’s been this way since you were young. But your oblivious nature is only apart of your charm. When he’s finally ready to confess to you? You’re already taken. Broken-hearted he goes to your favorite spot. For the first time he allows himself to cry. Then he hears it - like the liquid tinkling of tiny bells. The subtle glow of stars falling from his eyes starts the countdown.

written by @thebiasrekkers​​ (Admin T) ~ READ HERE

BREATHE

For as long as Jimin can remember, the house is all he’s ever known. His only companion, a calico cat. Neither of them age as the house pulls them through time and space. He can neither interact with people nor stray far from the house. He is cursed to watch the world pass by every year and never be a part of it. But one day, someone not only is able to see the house, but they can finally see him as well.

written by @thebiasrekkers​​ (Admin E) ~ READ HERE

SHADOW OF YOU

Ever since from a young age, you had discovered you had a special gift. You could see ghosts. Most of the time, you avoided them. You had learned from your grandmother that it was best to steer away from their unfinished businesses. One day, you meet Park Jimin, a sad ghost who finds comfort in you.

written by @httpangelicjimin​​ ~ READ HERE

WHEN A LOTUS BLOOMS

Jimin has the perfect life, a beautiful wife and a baby on the way, everything is perfect - that is, until it all comes crashing down around him. She was supposed to be his forever, the one he grew old with, the one who loved him endlessly; now she wasn’t. He’s broken, turning his back on his friends and hiding in the now too-big house, angry at whoever is in the sky for destroying his life. The only happiness in his life is his daughter, everything he does is for her, so when a promotion at work opens up, he has to take it, meaning longer hours and no more working from home. How will he handle not seeing the only happiness he has?

written by @seokjinssymphony​​ ~ READ HERE

THE COLORS WITHIN

A brush and canvas were all he needed in life, they gave him wealth, fame and glory - what more could a man want? Suddenly, an accident takes away the most important thing to him; his eyes. His life is suddenly dark, no end in sight, and his fame and wealth fades into nothing. Taehyung is just a hasbeen - a nobody, his family and friends left him in the dust to traverse his way through the shadows alone. He meets new friends, ones who don’t care for labels or society, ones who accept him and his flaws. Taehyung learns there is more to life than just money and status, he learns how to feel again and how to care for others. His blindness is no longer a curse, but a new beginning.  

written by @seokjinssymphony​​ ~ READ HERE

THIS IS NOT A LOVE SONG

Taehyung got so lost in his own world that he didn’t realise he broke the one person who put him back together

written by @bts-poetry​​ ~ READ HERE

BLACK INK

Left reeling from a toxic relationship, your life is falling to pieces. You want to forget him, but you can’t with his name inked your skin - and your heart.

written by @shadowsremedy​​ ~ READ HERE

BROKEN DREAMS

the writing on your wrist told you he wasn’t the one, his first words towards you were not even close to that of your soulmate’s. so why was he all you could think about?

written by @ddaenysus​​ ~ READ HERE

A FAIRY TALE’S END

You wanted, for once, to be someone important, someone needed- to be wanted and appreciated, to love and be loved. Well, you should be careful what you wish for.

written by @bangtan-dreamland​​ ~ READ HERE

INFINITATEM VENATUS

The battle between Heaven and Hell is reaching it's peak. The line in the sand has been drawn. It's now time to pick a side. Every being whether human or supernatural knows what's at stake. There are certain souls that carry the weight of multiple lives - these souls will turn the tide in someone's favor. It's up to the angels to convince them to The Most High.  Or perhaps the seduction of The Infernal will cause them to fall?

Your soul is on the line. Will you stand with Heaven? Or will you fall into Hell?

written by @thebiasrekkers​​ (Admin T) ~ READ HERE

UNTIL THE LIGHT FADES

To them, Seokjin is a beacon of light, an ethereal being sent to take people out of the darkness. One day, Seokjin’s time runs out.

written by @bangtiddies​​ ~ READ HERE

[jordanrosenburg]

Big Mouth Season 3 - Very Much Still Important

Review of Season 2 and 1 , major spoilers ahead

Alright, I finished watching season 3 the other day, and I have to say bravo to the writers, because they always manage to leave us wanting more. What truly awaits these pre-teens this summer? I’m happy that they’re done with seventh grade, but will the next season be about summer vacation, or will we get to see them go right into eighth grade? There’s been news of a spin off about the world the hormone monsters live in, will that be what holds us over until season 4?

Right from the first episode, I knew it was going to be a good season. The show continues to have a good balance between what is happening to both girls and boys at this age. I remember being in the seventh grade, and second guessing every single fashion choice I made. I didn’t really have a figure until ninth grade, but there were other girls that were already blossoming, and I felt self-conscious. Was I pretty enough? Am I frumpy? Is my hair too frizzy?

This season did another great job of showing not only what boys are going through at this age, but also the girls. Because the boys can’t control themselves, and because no one tells them to, the girls are forced into an absurd dress code by this scum bag:

I think we have all had a Mr. Lizer in our lives at some point. The guy who comes off as nice and caring is really just misogynistic and creepy. He mutters under his breath about he hates the girls, especially Jessi. Not to mention that he made Lola think the foot rub was all on her. At 13 of course she would think, how would she know any better? What he did was disgusting and wrong, and I’m glad he got fired. 

I’m proud of the girls for taking their bodies back. It was brave of them to take a stand and show that the dress code was stupid. They may not have done it in the best way, but they still proved a point. 

Nick and Andrew are a topic I’d like to discuss. We’ve know since season 1 that these boys have been best friends for a long time. We also know that they’ve been growing apart since season 1. Andrew was the first to go through the hormonal change, and Nick was left to catch up. In season 2 Nick went through three different hormone monsters while trying to figure things out with a girl he liked. Andrew stayed hung up on Missy, and somehow got involved with Lola, which just messed up everything else for him. He slowly started to realize that he was becoming a lot like his father. This season Nick got obsessed with his phone, and even though Andrew made many attempts to talk and hang out, he realized that Nick really is just a douchebag. They had their seasonal fight, and instead of becoming friends again, Andrew expressed how he really felt. Nick stopped being there for him. I don’t think Andrew is in the right, but he did recognize that their friendship had become toxic, and enough was enough. 

The only time Nick was there for Andrew this season was when Andrew started to lust after his cousin. I’ll say it - that shit was messed up. I was grossed out that they went there, but this could be some real shit that boys go through, idk. And Nick kind of encouraged it and didn’t at the same time. The whole thing was weird. 

Nick was wrestling with the fact that Jay was basically living in his house. That’s a major change to go through. He also betrayed Andrew by kissing Missy, and then lying about it. Andrew doesn’t own Missy, and she can do whatever she wants, but neither one of them thought about how the kiss would hurt the people around them. And then when Nick realized he didn’t like her like, he just cast her aside. 

Missy went through a lot this season too. She finally got a hormone monstress.

Side note, did anyone else feel sad that Connie didn’t say bubble bath once this season? No one else? Okay, moving on. This new monstress pushes Missy out of her comfort zone. Missy is able to keep some of her boundaries, but something about acting in that play opened something up for her. I loved when her and Jay wrote the fan fiction together. I can’t remember when I first started reading fic, may have been in seventh or eighth grade, and I always thought it was weird thing for me to like. Then I had mentioned it to a friend in ninth grade, and she’s still my best friend ten years later! I was happy to see that Jay didn’t make Missy feel weird or ashamed. I wished we could’ve seen more of this new friendship. AND Missy was the one to get the uniforms disbanded by wearing her same old clothes. I hope she’s able to find a balance with her newfound self. 

And poor Jay, he is one of the funniest characters on this show. You never know what he’s going to say, but it’s usually obscene. I lost it when he said something like, “my balls are going to shit”. 

We get another close look at Jay’s home life. His family leaves him at home for spring break, and he tries to not let it bother him. He embraces Nick’s family, and becomes a better person by living with them. They discover that he has ADHD and just needed aderol. Unfortunately, Jay sells his medication to his friends, which makes him go back to the way he was. TAKE YOUR MEDS MY FRIENDS! Jay eventually goes back home, and shows what he can add to his family, and they finally accept him. Jay too also comes to terms with his sexuality, and discloses to everyone that he’s bisexual, and he’s okay with it. But no one takes him seriously. He has a heart to heart with the new girl Ali, who told everyone she was pansexual. I know Andrew Goldberg has apologized with how he went about this, but I’m just gonna say that Ali came on a little too strong. All sexualities and gender are valid, periodt. 

Jay also called out his friends for fetishizing the fact that it’s “hot” that Ali likes everyone, but it’s not as cool when he comes out as bisexual. He felt hurt and unvalidated. We see you Jay! 

Now it’s time for our girl Jessi. 

This girl CANNOT catch a fucking break. I was happy to see her figure her body out. That can be straight up awkward, and it can make you want to give up. I love how they showed it with a water rapid, good use of metaphor. And she has been such a good friend to Matthew, covering for him with Adrian. But who is there for Jessi? At one point it was her, Andrew, and Nick, and one of them said, “At least we have each other. Virgins til college”. At that age I can see how that might be a bad thing, but I know a lot of people who were virgins in college. They didn’t graduate that way, but they came in that way. That was the most I saw of the three of them really interact this season. It’s crazy that these last three seasons are all things that happened over the course of a school year. 

I need space to say, I am fucking done with Jessi’s mom. Jessi has been more than gracious with letting her mom become who she is. Shannon should be able to explore, and it’s okay that she got divorced, but she has not gone about anything in a good way, and now she’s just starting to be selfish. When Jessi hears her mother orgasm, is it hilarious for us as the audience, of course, but as a 13 year old girl, I would be so mad and mortified. Not only does Jessi have to deal with Shannon and Cantor Dina breaking up, but her dad has begun to see someone new, and now her mom wants to fucking move?! I would have been so pissed off. Again, Shannon should be able to live her life, but she has a young daughter. Couldn’t she wait to go to the city until Jessi is at least in high school? College? Why not let Greg move back in to live in the house with Jessi? 

Jessi comes to terms with it at the end of the season, and I think that’s really big of her. I’ll be sad if she ends up getting uprooted. That damn depression kitty needs to leave her alone too. Not one of her friends bothered to check on her about it either, and Nick and Andrew knew she was depressed! That shit doesn’t just go away. 

THE FAB FIVE

I was living, henny! I didn’t know which episode they would be in, but this was just amazing. I am so glad they all made voice cameos for this. JVN stole the show of course, and it was so funny to hear they all swear. When Bobby went off about how little the other guys do while he did a whole “fucking” room renovation??? HE WAS RIGHT AND HE SAID IT! And the bird noises Antoni made??? Incredible. Would have loved to see him shrieking into the microphone. I do think the funniest line was when JVN said, “the dumb ones pound the hardest, henny”. I fucking died. They really lightened the mood, and what a great redemption for coach Steve! I am so glad he got his job back. 

There are many other things to get into with this season, but what I’d like to end on is that the kids really grew up. People don’t stay friends forever. I had friends in middle school that I did not stay friends with in high school. Even high school I didn’t keep the same friends. Obviously we want to see these kids make things work, but I still think it was very grown up of Andrew to tell Nick he forgave him but didn’t want to be friends anymore. I think when we’re kids we stay friends with people, or keep ourselves in certain situations because we want to be around cool people. I’m very curious to see where this show takes us in season 4. They all went through a lot, and 7th grade really is the most awkward year of them all. So who knows, maybe 8th grade will be better. They’ll have had a whole year of new hormones under their belts. What do y’all think is in store for our friends next?