#just . again as a trans person who experiences a lot of joy from my relationship to gender and being trans
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[id: the first image is a reply by @.demilypyro that reads: That doesnt sound very cis
the second image is a reply by @.homosexualmorelikehomiesexual that reads: respectfully adding to this in agreement with op: i think its true that no, it DOESNT sound very cis, but thats bc according to the very same gender system that sucks so much, anyone who disagrees or complains about it is Other, and i think thats......part of the exact problem op is talking abt..? so yeh idk. speaking as a trans person myself- op youre valid youre right and you should say it i support you go cis boy go
#this is what i call cis+ #youre cis but youve seen the void. the truth. and then you pulled back and went Ok Got It. Keeping My Gender Though #which i think is just as respectable. like amen #consciously opting into your assigned gender when you know you donāt actually have to..... #thats cis plus. cis prime. cis upgraded. you feel? /end]
Iām a cis man sure but i also wanna opt out of the gender binary. None of that shit is my fault or my responsibility and i donāt want any part of it
#text#lgbtag#may actually add something to the post eventually but it's late so just putting some thoughts in the tags#saying this as a trans genderfuck person . it's incredibly reductive to tell anyone who questions the gender binary or desires to break it-#-down that they Have to be trans to do so#you see it a lot with gnc cis people but tbh . applies to even gender conforming cis people and even non-queer cis people !#because in doing so you reinforce that trans people are Magically Different than cis people and that we're the only people who want to-#-question and break down the gender binary#but like . if you want to acknowledge that the gender binary is made up & people have complex relationships with it that fall outside of-#-the socially dictated binary & that ''man'' and ''woman'' are socially created categories not based in biology#and that there's no concrete definition of what a man or a woman or someone who's both or neither and etc beyond personal identity and-#-social category / cis-enforced societal roles#... you also have to realize that some people will break down the concept of the binary and recognize all of that . and still identify with-#-their assigned gender and be cis#expecting anyone who breaks down and rejects the gender binary to automatically also be trans not only cuts us off from cis allies who want-#-to help trans acceptance and break down those social structures#but also ignores intersectional groups who have complicated experiences with gender based on those identities while being cis!#(ex as a white person with privilege i don't feel confident speaking on it on my own but reading about black perspectives on gender and how-#-black women especially have historically been treated by largely white feminist movements how black women are degendered how the sex-#-binary has been leveraged in a racist & eugenics-based way etc imo is really important for breaking down the gender binary even when it's-#-discussing specifically cis people. bc discussions on marginalization are never in a vacuum)#and there are plenty of people Esp queer people who may not solidly fit in a cis or trans box esp when it comes to gnc people!#ex the amount of butch lesbians and fem/me gay men whose connection to womanhood or manhood is through being a lesbian/gay man#but who have more complex relationships with their gender and expression than Just womanhood or manhood#idk long rant and none of this is to say that there's a Cisphobic Trans Agenda to Force Poor Cis People to be trans bc a woman likes suits-#-or a man thinks the gender binary sucks#just . again as a trans person who experiences a lot of joy from my relationship to gender and being trans#i love seeing cis people who can find joy in their gender through breaking down the binary!#gender is complicated and i think accepting it as something Anyone can have a complex relationship . cis or trans . is a big part of-#-accepting that gender is a social construct and not a biological fact
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hey clove! i'm taking an ap visual arts class this year and we need to do a "sustained investigation" aka create a series of works connecting to and exploring a theme. one i'm thinking about a lot is relating queer people and the essence of queerness to divinity and also the occult, as a lash-back at christian nationalism and a celebration of queer joy. some examples of this would be comparing the transmasculine experience to the christian creation narrative and gnc/genderfluid people to figures similar to dionysus. i'm still workshopping the concept, do you have any thoughts on this or experiences you'd be willing to share so i can think of specific pieces and ideas to explore?
also i recently bought a binder and i felt so pretty and masculine but at the same time felt this overwhelming freedom to be feminine. it was really cool and i've decided i'm going to grow my hair out long again. i felt a lot like scott, just having this sort of wild feminine whimsy, and it felt really nice
hope you're doing well!! glad you were able to relax a bit :))))
Dude I'm literally planning a short story about a transmasc man who forms a relationship from childhood with the voice of God. This is crazy. I'll tell you about it later but there's so much potential there and it's such a cool idea. The words virgin birth in terms of the virgin Mary herself being Jesus Christ. An idea of a god that arranged for the circumstances of something that has to grow into an intended outcome even if through struggle. A god that like learns from trans people and finds it interesting because it's different and it's the same and now people are making new genders? You made new ones? Why did it take this long for you to think of new ones? I threw up about five minutes ago because I am the child of severe alcoholics and yet if you allow me two cocktails my body will collapse on itself like a dying star.
Also fun fact you can still be Scott-core without your binder if you want. He's got a chest too. His secret is that if anyone tries to question the validity of a man with breasts he gets really, truly, openly bored and politely waits for them to make their point before changing the topic and not acknowledging what they said at all.
The binder sounds very useful though. I miss my old binder. If that's the thing that makes you feel powerful being masculine and feminine that's fucking radical as hell. Wear a pretty skirt and a cool shirt and put like a fucking scrunchie in your hair. There's so many options and if you're a guy or masc leaning person who takes advantage of them you are just objectively more interesting, case closed. Anyone who is locking themselves out of half the amount of baubles and drapery that exists because of gender or body type is at a strategic disadvantage.
I was going to say that if my man Scott saw you on the street he'd be proud, but I know he would be unable to perceive the potential risks or fears. He's so insufferably Non-judgemental that he could bump directly into you by accident and come out with no other thought than "I am the same height as who I believe to be a child".
Edgar, on the other hand, would absolutely stare at you too closely until they felt weird and looked away, but would think about your style and freedom on and off for days afterwards.
I need to sleep for a few hours you people need to stop being interesting and important to me.
#no tags#if i die bas gets nipsy#nipsy is technically my wifes cat#but i think its a funny bit to pull post mortem#bas you also get rileys phone#and their socks#but bob gets the house#riley can live there still but they now share a mortgage with bob the cat#bob has to get a JOB
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i dont know if theres like, a specific time we usually save the fangirling for on this blog (it seems to come in waves) but im in my feels right now so, heck it, here we go! i just wanted to say that, as a trans person, your work makes me so happy. the fact that youāve created such a compelling story where a trans person not only survives but thrives in their identity and their relationship is so special to me, even more so with the fact that you never seem to shy away from caroās transness in your art even outside of the comic. it is genuinely SO awe-inspiring, and i just wanted to thank you, as one trans man that your work has touched the heart of !! (and also just, beyond all of that, your writing is so lovely and all of your characters are so lovely and i am positively in love with the story youāre telling through seemingly dark) so yeah- thank you, again, for putting this story out into the world, it means so much !!
No specific time, I always enjoy getting asks!
Well, congrats cuz you put me in my feels too, and I spent WAY TO LONG drawing this little bb Caro newly on their path to transition to say thank you for this incredibly sweet message.
When I created Caro, i didnāt have a lot of experience in anything trans-related. I had a lot of help from friends who told me their stories. I created them because I knew it was an identity I shared, but I didnāt know how to navigate it. My trans friends and Caro helped me find my words, myself and my own story. I wanted a strong (in some ways lol), incredibly cool and beautiful (imo) character everyone in the story liked, who dealt with body image issues in such a positive way, being fem in so many ways, while knowing inherently they are not a girl. I wanted Caro to embrace their body and be proud of what they had, and what they made from it to fit their identity. Obviously thereās moments they deal with in Seemingly Dark, phobic assholes and fear of coming out officially to John, just like most of us have in real life, but I wanted Caro to be confident enough in themself and their found family to know the people who matter love and accept them. I wanted Caroās character flaws and obstacles in both comics to have nothing to do with their transition, I wanted their identity to be their joy. Supernatural problems, difficult relationship stuff, uncertainty of the future, but the one thing that they know for absolute certain is who they are. And they embrace it.
Caroās transition is important to me, and Iām really glad you like and notice my artwork surrounding them, I want to celebrate them, cuz I love seeing beautiful trans art and I thought, hey! Maybe I can do that too.
Thank you for the message, I really need to hear things like this sometimes, Iām so glad you found my art and stories! Thank you for reading āØ š³ļøāā§ļø
#rj rambles#seemingly dark#original characters#caro means so much to me#Iām glad they can mean something to other people too
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Hi I saw your tags on that hajihiko art and that bit about your fic sounds really interesting if you donāt mind I kinda wanna hear more if not then Iāll happily wait for the fic!
youve activated my trap card aka asking me to explain my thoughts !!!! this might get long
my fic is basically a long form. uh. character study? relationship study? thats pretty much just hajime and fuyuhiko having Very Intimate And Personal Conversations (Five Times!) over the first. year? post wake up. and in one of them they have a lengthy discussion about the whole concept of any of them having kids
because hiko is like. hiko is the kind of person who is Very Practical And Realistic (though some may say Pessimistic). and he is of the opinion that things can only be calm and good for so long before shit hits the fan again right? so, in that case, having children with them is only going to make things worse. first, putting kids into an actively dangerous situation is pretty high up in his List Of Terrible Fucking Things Someone Can Do (which is fair, because it is, but also because. Yknow. Personal Experience). second, children being with them is, from a purely practical standpoint, going to be a Huge amount of baggage if they ever need to Leave Right Now Very Quickly. kids are also an ENORMOUS weakness if the enemy ever discovers their existence. so in his mind, theyre a huge disadvantage and just generally a Terrible Fucking Idea.
weirdly enough, though, in the conversation, this is not his argument. because in the circumstances, theyre both kind of in a very vulnerable and open place for this conversation, and so he comes at it from an emotional standpoint. and fuyuhikos emotions around them having kids are complicated.
theres the guilt, right? theyre all classified as war criminals, basically, and are guilty of some of the most heinous acts known to man. they may be being left alone, and they may be repentant and in recovery NOW, but the effects of their actions are gonna be felt for a long time, probably decades. do they even deserve the joy of childcare? of having their own children and raising them and seeing them grow? additionally, they have no idea how long theyre gonna be stuck on those islands. maybe even forever. keeping their kids trapped there when they did nothing wrong aside from. well. Being The Kids Of The Remnants. is almost cruel, right? but if they dont want that, they basically have to give their kids up at some point, maybe even to the future foundation to be integrated into the new world. but when do you do that? when theyre babies, so they never know who their real parents are and never have to reckon with the impact they had on the world? or when theyre young adults, with the full knowledge of what their parents did and who they are, and that the world, which will definitely be utterly fucked for a long time even after the tragedy is officially classified as āoverā (whatever that means), will despise them just by virtue of who gave birth to them?
either way, theyre gonna lose their kids at some point. and thats going to hurt. not just the kids themselves, being thrust into a world like that, but the remnants too. those are their children.
fuyuhiko also justā¦ has a lot of guilt and fear around having kids because of his upbringing. you cant tell me he isnt so afraid of turning into his parents, of endangering his own kids, of being too angry and too volatile and too broken to care for them properly. so in his mind, the only real fix to the situation is to just never have them in the first place.
but hajimeā¦ hajimes situation is a lot different. first off, in my funny little brain space hajime is very very much a trans man, and though his relationship with identity and gender specifically is very messy due to The Horrors, he clings to his identity as a man in the same way he clings to the name hajime hinata, as an anchor to stability and purpose. if he is hajime hinata, then he is also a man, because hajime hinata was one. this is of course a huge simplification and i could make a whole other post about hajimes fucked up gender shit but its NOT THIS ONE so were moving on. anyway, his relationship with having his own kids therefore is very complicated, as many trans men will tell you, and this isā¦ complicated by another thing i wont go into because its very sad and not really the point and also kind of a spoiler. anyway.
but aside from just himself, hajime is also extremely practical. the difference between his practicality and fuyuhikos is that while fuyuhikoās practicality is rooted in a childhood of danger and violence and ruthlessness, hajimes is rooted in analytics, because thats just the way his brain works now. numbers and percentages and chance. on top of that, though, what balances out that practicality is that in hajimes brain, one of the most important things about Being Human is Having Human Connections. its how he fights the boredom, fights off the constantly encroaching emptiness in the back of his head. people are complicated and messy and a lot more unpredictable than his izuru conditioning would have had him believe, and he revels in that, in understanding that people have habits and recognizable traits while also doing the weirdest shit possible when you least expect it. having human connections helps him feel human, helps him feel his emotions the most strongly, and he clings to that.
so he understands, on a very base level, why some of them would want children. he understands that a lot of them probably will when they wake up. he understands that they will all adore those kids when theyre born, that the fifteen of them will be a village, will do everything in their power to make sure those kids are happy and safe and understand the dangers of the world while not being subjected to the worst of it until theyre ready.
but hajime also understands philosophy and psychology on a very high level. because you know. the horrors. so he also can reckon with the fact that its not an easy question to answer. should they have kids? would it be ethical to have kids? they dont have an answer thats going to satisfy everyone. some of them are going to stubbornly insist none of them should. some of them are going to be desperate for them. some of them arent going to care. hes skilled in medical knowledge (again, the horrors), and if there are accidents they can be dealt with, but some people arent going to want that. he and/or mikan could probably handle childbirth, as long as theyre not actively in danger, but again, theres the question of whether they even should.
thats. the basis of their conversation. they dont end up with an answer, and i dont think i honestly have one either. could they potentially have children at some point in their lives? probably, yeah. but the logistics of that, of when they would, when the kids would leave, how they would be raised, is a lot more complicated than just ācute domestic childcare.ā
BUT THATS. yeah. its really funny that this ended up so long because that conversation is maybe a whole 18% of the total length of that chapter and thats. being lax on what constitutes as āpart of that conversationā fjshfjsjfjjsjs. the thing about me is that i can not shut the fuck up to save my life, so they discuss like. SIX different topics in that conversation. it makes me very afraid that people wont be able to follow it or will get tired of all the dialogue but. Thats Just Something I Will Have To Deal With.
someday ill post this fucking fanfiction. im trying to get at least. four? of the chapters done before i start posting because i have a long history of starting to post chapters/segments of a fic only for my fixation to crumble and then i never finish it. im hoping building up engagement w this blog will help so people will talk to me and keep my writing lmao. im glad youre interested though!!!!!! ive put a lot of love into all the writing ive done for dr so far
#oh no i need an ask tag#uh. uh. fuck.#answering machine#gunfr0st#personal#meta#danganronpa#super danganronpa 2#im so sorry if you expected a short or concise answer. i have worms. in my brain#and ethical dilemmas are like fucking catnip to me#make me go āoohoohoohoo for me?? for me you say????ā and then i write 30k words of characters talking about it#sorry it took me a bit to get to this i wrote out most of this when i first got this ask#and then i had to go shopping and take the husband to work etc etc#took a hot minute. thanks for ur patience!#crossing my fingers that the readmore works#oh shit i should probably. main tag this huh. i totally forgot about that
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My thoughts and feelings (mostly feelings) about the season 2 ending
Below the cut because Iām not a monster:
Iām angry. Iām so angry. As someone who identified incredibly strongly with Aziraphale all through season 1: how dare he.
(Disclaimer: this is just me venting my emotion. It was a well-done story! (...I guess.) And my feelings might change over time. But I gotta get them out somewhere, lol)
I love Aziraphale. My lil queer religious trauma baby. I loved his journey in season 1. I was so proud of him for escaping Heaven and ending up on his own side with Crowley.
And season 2 feels like it erased all of that.
Hereās where Iām coming from: I get religious trauma. As a queer person who was raised in the Southern Baptist church, I absolutely understand it. But that honestly makes the ending worse for me. Why would he go back? And not even to just game the system--why would he offer to change Crowley?
Iāve seen people mention that from his perspective, heās offering Crowley safety and an opportunity to return to the joy he had as a starmaker. But even if thatās true and he doesnāt see why that would hurt Crowley, thatās still a problem. After everything in season 1, if he still thinks that Heaven is on the side of truth and light, that would be an explanation--but not an excuse, because how could he still think that? After everything?
What Aziraphale did would be like if a partner said they were joining my childhood church and said that I could join again. If that happened, I donāt know if I could forgive them. Or, to be a bit stronger, it felt like someone telling a trans person, āItās okay! You can be cis again!ā (We know that gender doesnāt work that way, but thatās what makes the āofferā even more hurtful.) Regardless of what he thought he was offering, how could he still misunderstand the situation--and misunderstand Crowley--that badly?
And honestly my anger is largely personal, because the idea of somehow being sucked back into religion terrifies me. Because of my experiences, this moment is borderline unforgivable (ha) for me. I donāt think any relationship of mine could recover from this. I have a hard time seeing how Aziraphale and Crowleyās relationship can recover from this. It is a fundamental betrayal. And after the comfort that Aziraphaleās arc gave me in season 1 (that season genuinely helped comfort me as I began the slow process of leaving my own religion),Ā I feel betrayed by Aziraphale and, honestly, by the show. (Though I acknowledge that that last one isnāt super strong and will likely change.)
Honestly, a lot of these emotions probably come from the fact that I am pretty similar to Aziraphale and that the idea that I could do something like that terrifies me. I would never, but only because I have learned and grown so much in the past couple of years. Aziraphale will probably go through that growth in the next season, but honestly, giving grace to ourselves is not easy for either of us. (Part of being an Aziraphale is not giving grace to Aziraphales.)
Anyway. I do feel a bit betrayed by the storyline/writing choice because the arc of season 1 meant so much to me. Iām not saying itās a bad choice! I just needed to get this out there so I can have the space for all the metas and fix-its. Iām doing the venting-my-emotions-as-part-of-the-fandom-experience bit. Please donāt come at me for attacking the show, lol.
Just. How dare he.
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4 and 7 for the ask game? :3
YAP SESH INCOMING
4. what did you name your hero and partner characters? and why?
My main team is my Treecko hero named Briar and my Totodile partner named Fangz in PMD2
I'm going to be so real with you, I'm very bad at coming up with names for my Pokemon on the spot that aren't something silly, and I knew that I'd just be stuck on the personality quiz for a long time trying to craft a perfect thematic name for my hero and partner (esp since being able to change your duo's name isn't a thing until PMD3)
So, I just decided to name them whatever my first thought was and come up with a lore reason later as to why they were like that while I progressed through the game. Briar is a pretty fitting name for a Treecko, and it also happens to be a human name. Fangz was Briar's pitch for their trans partner's new name, who admired Briar so much right from the start that she practically accepted it as a badge of honor.
7. How do you interpret the future trio's relationship to eachother?
Dusknoir and Grovyle: Extremely awkward but very devoted pair, especially on Dusknoir's end. Regardless of whether their relationship is platonic or romantic, I imagine it's hard to not be deeply attached after changing Dusknoir's worldview in such a radical way, perhaps resulting in Dusknoir idolizing Grovyle in a way that borders on somewhat unhealthy at times. The two have a lot to work through, but for now, being held while gently bickering instead of having to be at one another's throats is a nice change of pace.
Grovyle and Celebi: Heads up, this is my biggest NOTP. That being said, I HC that Grovyle admires Celebi just as much as she admires him (platonically). Where Celebi is very passionate, wishing she could grab what little flickers of joy she can find in the paralyzed future and share them with Grovyle as much as she can, Grovyle feels that the best act of love he can do for those around him is to just bring this mission to an end as soon as possible, not let them suffer more than they have to. Perhaps this prevents them from being as close as they could be, and why Celebi ultimately chooses not to directly speak to him about how much she cares and wants to spend more time with him despite her admiration being very obvious to hero and partner.
Dusknoir and Celebi: Alright, this one is a lot more personalized, so just hear me out. These two practically grew up together in the ruined hidden land under Dialga's rule, but drifted apart as they grew older and Dusknoir took on more and more responsibilities as Dialga's second in command. For a long time, if felt as if they were allowed to experience some semblance of childhood as long as they remained by one another's side. Their renewed post-game friendship is tense... but they're glad to have one another once again. I like to think that Celebi was Dusknoir's childhood crush, and feels genuine joy at the idea of getting to meet her all over again as allies. It's tense the first few times they speak, but I think they're able to understand and open up to one another a bit more quickly than the previous two relationships.
As a whole: They've got history and all sorts of things to discuss now that their mission is complete. I strongly advise against separating them, they're like cats that need to be adopted as a group because they can't stand being apart after what they went through. Just let them have one good thing, and let that one good thing be one another's company.
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Whats an aromantic flag and why you should include it in your pride posts
disclaimer: i know theres fighting every year about who should and shouldnāt be included in pride posts, this isnāt to argue with people who just hate aspec ppl, this is an informational post. donāt send me bullshit about it
Why should you include aro flags?
many people believe that aromanticism is covered under the asexual flag, so if they include that theyāre including aros, however thatās not the case. aro and ace people share the aspec community, but one identity does not fall under the other. Itās less like using the trans flag as an umbrella for all trans and nonbinary people even if thereās a separate nonbinary flag, and more like using the transmasc pride flag to represent all transmascs and transfems. Aros are just not covered under the ace flag because both groups are separate identities. people can be aro and ace but not all aros are ace.
aro is also an incredibly important identity for a lot of people, something we take a lot of pride in. we get relegated to āminor or add on identityā all the time because people keep thinking of us as the -romantic version of asexual. we have multiple terms, multiple flags, and a huge array of different aro experiences, we are not a subset of asexuality and many of us wish for that to be more respected.
last on the reasons of why you should include aros in pride posts is that we have no larger umbrella flag, unless weāre counting the rainbow flag. the aro flag is the umbrella flag for arospec identities. if you donāt include it then we arenāt being included. and this isnāt me telling you you have to include an aro option for everything you make (tho that would be nice) ppl have the right to choose what flags they want to include. but theres been many times when i see people addĀ flags representing all parts of the community except aro, and then add on smaller more niche flags. i donāt want this to come across as another post like āhow dare you include X flag but not Y flag!!!ā because i think everyone should have the joy of representation, i just think many people donāt realize theyāre even leaving aros out. either through lack of awareness or lack of knowledge on what the aro flag actually is, and thatās what i wanna help with this post.
What even is the aro flag?
Letās start with what itās not:
[ID: a flag with four horizontal stripes. from the top down they are green, yellow, orange and black. End ID]
This was the first proposed aro flag. We do not use it anymore for a couple reasons, the main one is that it resembled another countries flag too closely and was getting confused. Iād think this one would have died out by now but i literally just saw a post include it today.
[ID: A flag with five horizontal stripes. from top to bottom the colors are dark green, light green, yellow, grey, and black. End ID]
This was the second popular aro flag. It is very close to the main aro flag now except the middle stripe is yellow. That stripe was changed due to causing some people sensory problems. This one is sometimes still accidentally used, probably because it looks very close to the main flag, but itās not the main aro flag either.
[ID: A flag with five horizontal stripes. from top to bottom the colors are black, grey, white, light green, and dark green. End ID]
Iāve actually seen this flag used a lot by people not very knowledgeable about aros. This is a flipped version of the aro flag. I also for the life of me canāt find an example of this but iāve seen more than once a version that is flipped and removes a stripe of green so it looks like a recolored ace flag. These are pretty common, enough for me to have seen multiple people selling merch with this incorrect flag. I think it comes from people thinking the aro flag is the same as the ace one which does start with black at the top and has only four stripes.
[ID: A flag with seven horizontal stripes. from top to bottom the colors are black, grey, white, green, white, grey, and black. End ID]
Yeah, this is the agender flag, not the aro flag. I see these get mixed up all the time. Itās not hard so see why with similar colors and a white grey black gradient, but as someone who is agender and aro, it kinda gets on my nerves when people mix these up. Also no this is not the same color palette as the aro flag. Iāve seen people make designs labeled as agender/aromantic that just use the agender color palette. The aro flag has two greens and theyāre both different than the agender green.
[ID: Two flags next to each other. The first one has five horizontal stripes. from top to bottom the colors are orange, light orange, white, light blue, dark blue. The second flag has eight horizontal stripes. from top to bottom the colors are dark green, light green, white, grey, black, grey, white, and purple. End ID]
These are two common aroace flag designs. These flags are used by a lot of people and you might see them included in pride posts. These are good flags, however, they should not be used to represent all aros. Including an aroace flag does not mean youāre including all aros and all aces, it means youāre including just aroaces. Thereās plenty of aros who arenāt ace and aces who arenāt aro. Itād be like putting a gay trans flag in a post and saying its there to represent all gay and all trans people, when the flag is usually used to represent only people who are both gay and trans. Again, these flags are not bad, and them being included in pride posts is good actually, but they should not be used to represent all aro and all ace people.
Now letās go over what actually is the aro flag:
[ID: A flag with five horizontal stripes. From top to bottom the colors are dark green, light green, white, grey, and black. End ID]
This is the main aro flag. Itās the one most widely used and recognized. The color meanings are dark green and light green representing the spectrum of aro identities, white meaning friendship, and grey and black representing the spectrum of sexual identities in the aro community.
But wait thereās more!
The aro identity is a spectrum, meaning theres more identities under aromantic, and they have their own flags too. If you really wanna go wild and include some other aro flags heres some more. (this is not a full list of all arospec identities, just some i see around the most. feel free to look into more arospec identities and flags! also all of these definitions are coming from me and my personal knowledge of aro identities, i do not identify as any of these though, only as aromantic, so if i give the wrong definition please tell me so i can fix it!)
[ID: A flag with five horizontal stripes. From top to bottom the colors are dark green, light green, white, yellow, and dark yellow. End ID]
This is the alloaro flag. Alloaros are aros who arenāt ace. They deserve more support and attention because theyāre really amazing members of the aro community.
[ID: A flag with five horizontal stripes. From top to bottom the colors are dark green, grey, white, grey, and dark green. End ID]
This is the greyromantic flag. Greyromantic means someone who feels romantic attraction rarely. The term greyromantic is also sometimes used to mean aro identities that still feel some form of romantic attraction.
[ID: A flag with four horizontal stripes. From top to bottom the colors are black, green, aqua, and grey. End ID]
the quoiromantic or WTFromantic flag. It means someone who canāt or doesnāt want to tell the difference between platonic and romantic attraction basically. Itās got a special place in my heart bc i used to id as quoi.
[ID: A flag with five horizontal stripes. From top to bottom the colors are red orange, orange, yellow, white, and black. End ID]
This is the Lithromantic flag. Lithromantic means someone who feels romantic attraction but doesnāt want it reciprocated, or may no longer feel romantic attraction when it is reciprocated.
[ID: A flag with a black, sideways triangle on the left side pointing right and three horizontal stripes. The first stripe from the top is a thick white stripe, the next stripe is thin and dark green, and the bottom stripe is thick and grey. End ID]
The demiromantic flag. Someone who is demiro doesnāt feel romantic attraction until they have formed a deep emotional connection with someone.
And thereās many more arospec identities!
I hope iāve helped to clear up some misconceptions about aros and our flags! Weāre not under the ace umbrella, weāre our own community. We all have different experiences, different relationships to our identity, and I hope to see more people represent aros this year!
Have a happy pride month!
#aro#aromantic#lgbt#lgbtq#LGBTQIA#lgbtpride#lgbt+#pride#pride month#arospec#void screams#ace#asexual#hope this is an okay post#i just woke up and realized i needed to write this before june hits#long post
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But you like her better: Part 2
Sorry it's been a minute! I hope you like it.
Cw: Some brief ableism, mentions of internalized biphobia, and self injurious stimming.
2013
It was raining when 16 year old MarĆa Machado Sotomayor first met Kit Herondale.
MarĆ had always loved the sound of the rain. It was peaceful and rhythmic, creating a nice tingly feeling in her skull running straight down her spine. It also good for the plants. Which meant that MarĆ arrived (on time for once) at her favorite class in a pretty good mood.
Marine biology was their one of their three special interests, the other two being lacrosse and Base guitar. So Bio was usually pretty fun for them. However this time was different.
Her mood was instantly dampened when she walked into class and saw someone new sitting in her usually seat. A blond, short and white kid who looked far too pretty for his own good. A new kid most likely.
A new kid who didn't realize that MarĆ always sat by the window every single day. It was their spot. Still MarĆ was determined not to overreact. They marched over to the new kidĀ and approached him with their best masking smile.
Remember eye contact. She told herself. Keep your tone light and breezy but not too lifeless. Smile. Appear friendly and non threatening. Try not to sweat. Try not to scream.
"Hi excuse me," MarĆ began in a sickly sweet tone. "That's actually my seat! Sorry!"
The boy instantly looked embarrassed and apologetic. "Oh I'm sorry!" He blushed. "I didn't realize there was assigned seating." He had an American accent, California maybe?
Wonderful. A white American boy. Just what they needed.
MarĆ chewed their lip and fought the urge to rock or tap. "There isn't actually," they admitted. "I just usually sit there. So can you please move?"
Now the new kid looked a little offended. A cold look settled over his face. "Well why should I?" He bristled. "This seat isn't really yours. It's not like it has your name on it."
MarĆ rolled her eyes in frustration. "I tried that already but then I got in trouble."
He stared at them curiously for a moment. MarĆ took the opportunity to break eye contact finally and scuff their heel against the floor. They were wearing the new black suede chunky heels with the gem stones that MarĆ had gotten when they went thrifting with their friends.
"MarĆa!" The harsh voice of her teacher snapped her back into reality. Everyone had arrived and taken their seats while she was arguing with the American and now everyone was staring at her. "Could you please explain why you are not seated young lady?" She snapped in her extra pretentious sounding posh English accent.
The one that said, "I'm better than you."
MarĆ tried not to growl at being called a young lady. They weren't feeling particularly female today. Not that MarĆ was going to bother explaining that to some old British hag.
"He won't get out of my seat!" MarĆ protested. Instantly laughter broke out around the classroom. Cruel mocking laughter that made MarĆ feel like her skin was crawling.
"It's ok!" The new kid cried out, practically jumping out of MarĆ's seat. "I'll move! I'll go sit over here." He grabbed his bag and moved to the back of the room as quickly as possible.
MarĆ smiled in spite of themself. His random act of kindness was surprising, but they were grateful. They took their seat near the window and sighed in relief.
MarĆ would always look back on that day with fondness no matter what. It may not have seemed like much to him, but it meant the world to her. After Bio class she had asked Kit to come eat with her and her friends. They had made their introductions and the rest was history.
They became close friends very quickly, bonding over movies and music. They sent each other playlists of their favorite songs and songs that reminded them of each other. MarĆ made Kit a queer playlist with songs by queer artists and told Kit that they were bisexual and a demigirl. They hadn't even told their friends that last part yet at that point.
MarĆ also told Kit that they liked to use she/they pronouns, but so far was only using them online. Kit asked MarĆ a lot of questions then confessed to MarĆ that he was also bisexual but he was still kinda getting used to it.
"I grew up in a shitty situation," Kit had told them. "I guess I still have a lot of shame."
MarĆ didn't hold it against him. She bought him queer literature and resources for queer history including "Bisexuality and Queer Theory" and her printed copy of the article published in the 90s called "The Bisexual Manifesto." She gave him advice on websites and people to follow online.
They also just talked. Talked about life and their experiences. Their feelings and their relationships with their sexualities. Bonding with another queer person was always special but spending time with Kit always made MarĆ feel so...light.
Despite how close they were getting, MarĆ didn't always want to touch him. They were touch averse in most cases unless they were very comfortable with someone. Sometimes it just depended on the day. On the days where MarĆ found they could not hug Kit they had invented their own way to show affection.
They would place a hand over their hearts and tap it, as if to say "I care about you" or "I love you." Sometimes Kit would say "tap my heart" as a substitute for actually doing it.
He introduced her to his close friend Janessa, the wayward vampire who was incredibly hot and kind of made MarĆ all nervous and tounge twisty at first. But as they got to know her, MarĆ realized that she was also incredibly kind, passionate and clearly cared at great deal about Kit. Janessa was a gamer who had named herself after a video game character. She drank cups of warm blood in novelty mugs with giant swirly sparkly straws and was pretty good at making people laugh.
Janessa, or Nessie as Kit had affectionately nicknamed her, was flirtatious and charismatic, but also brutal and deadly in a fight. She was full of surprises. And maybe, just maybe MarƬ was a little bit into that.
However as much as MarĆ didn't want to admit it, they were also were starting to realize that they were way more into someone else. Someone with perfect golden curls that MarĆ wanted to curl their fingers into.
Eventually Kit came out to MarĆ as genderfluid and requested that she use alternating he/they pronouns for them. They both made the decision to collectively tell their friends their pronouns. MarĆ, Kit and Nessie sat around her gorgeous leather couch and talked for hours about gender, identity and transness. Kit pointed put that they may never be able to fully explain their gender to the other two, just like Kit might have a hard time fully understanding Janessa's relationship with gender, or MarĆ's because everyone was different.
"It's personal Nessie," he had said. "Everyone has their own unique perspective on gender and every trans person has their own complicated feelings about gender and what their own gender identity means to them, and those feelings might not completely match up with another trans person's. But that's ok. You don't have to understand the other person but you do have to respect them."
Janessa's understanding of gender came from being a trans women. It was about a strictĀ binary with clear lines and rules. Rules that Kit was starting to make a habit of fingerpainting all over and MarĆ could tell that it was stressing her out.
And MarĆ had no idea where the hell they fit in these rules. They had stopped playing the game.
But those two loved each other more than anything, and MarĆ knew they could work anything out. And sure enough approximately seven hours and four margaritas later (only two for MarĆ,) they had come to an understanding.
2014
She kissed Kit for the first time a month into the new year.
They had been trying on clothes in MarĆ's room and Kit was wearing one of their old dresses that MarĆ thought they looked amazing in, but Kit wanted to give it away. It was dark navy blue and sparkly with spaghetti straps, coming to about mid thigh. There were cut outs on the sides, filled in with black sheer fabric, and it had a low v cut at the neckline which was also filled in with black sheer.
Kit had been infodumping about one of the Marvel movies again, MarĆ couldn't remember which one, and she had kept getting distracted by his tan smooth skin peaking through the sheer fabric and fullness of Kit's moving lips. He smiled excitedly and MarĆ had stepped forward and kissed him.
Their first thought was that Kit tasted like chocolate. Their second was that they should have done this months ago.
Kit had melted into the kiss, smiling slightly against her mouth and pulling her closer. They kissed her feverishly, sliding their tounge inside MarĆ's mouth and moaning when she deepened the kiss eagerly. They moved against each other with almost lazy, comfortable precision, kissing each other for what could have been hours or days or maybe only seconds.
MarĆ couldn't have said.
When Kit finally broke the kiss and pulled away from MarĆ, his eyes were practically gleaming with joy and love. And that was when they knew.
I love him.
2015
I love him.
Ty's words ran in her ears. Repeating over and over again, maddenly bouncing around inside of her skull until she was forced to utter out loud,
"I love him".
They whispered it under their breath but MarĆ could tell that both Alyssa and Ty had heard them. It was so quiet you could probably hear a pin drop.
But of course. Of course he does. It was obvious. This whole time MarĆ had noticed there was something wrong with Ty. Just like there was something wrong with Kit. The way they stared after each other when they thought the other one wasn't looking. The loving and worshipful glances mixed with the bitter glares.
MarĆ had already known that Kit was in love with Ty of course. But the way they had told the story made it seem like they were positive that Ty couldn't be in love with them.
But then again maybe that made sense. Given Kit's history and who he was. But then MarĆ couldn't help but think of Ty and how confused he must have been. God it was a giant mess.
Speaking of...
The room was still silent. MarĆ found that she couldn't read Ty's expression as he stared back at her flatly. But his body was shaking, his fingers fluttered at his sides. She wanted to soothe him.
They stepped forward carefully. "I'm not mad at you," MarĆ assured him. "I was hoping we could talk?"
Ty's left eye twitched. "We are talking," he pointed out. Alyssa snorted.
"Ty, they mean about the proverbial bomb you just dropped a few seconds ago," Alyssa said with a laugh.Ā MarĆ smirked to themself slightly.
It wasn't really a bomb. More like a flare.
She really needed to talk to Ty. The only problem was Alyssa had an annoying tendency to never leave his side. It wasn't like she had a problem with the girl. Of course not. But her presence meant that MarĆ hadn't had the opportunity to talk to Ty one on one.
They cleared their throat. "Alyssa could you please give Ty and I some space to talk?" They asked. MarĆ hoped they didn't sound too rude. Alyssa looked to Ty and he nodded slightly, signaling that he was ok with her leaving.
That was so strange to MarĆ. Their relationship. The way Alyssa, a werewolf who hated shadowhunters even more then MarĆ did, essentially took orders from him and clearly trusted him more than anyone else. But perhaps she wasn't one to judge.
After all, she loved Kit.
Alyssa left the room with a pat on Ty's back and a quick, "call if you need me." MarĆ shifted their weight back and forth as they rocked slightly from side to side as they waited for Ty to speak.
He stared back at her silently, most likely doing the same. MarĆ blew out a loud breath and forced herself to stay still, crossing her arms.
"Are you going to say something or should I?" Ty asked expectantly. MarĆ bit their lip and shrugged.
"I'm still thinking of what I wanna say," she admitted.
Ty smiled at her softly. "So am I."
There we go. Cracks in the armour.
"I'm sorry," Ty whispered suddenly. "I never meant to-"
"You don't have to apologize!" MarĆ blurted out. Whoops they had interrupted him. "Oh shit sorry you were still talking!" They reached for their hair nervously and realized that they were wearing that Morticia wig for their costume.
Great. MarĆ moved on to chewing on her knuckles.
"It's ok," Ty reassured her. "I don't really know where I was going with that sentence. And you shouldn't do that." He pointed to her hand.
MarĆ scoffed, "yeah well you shouldn't dig your nails into your palms." He glared at them and they laughed.
"Not so fun playing a game of Mirror Image is it?" They teased. Ty didn't respond, just stared at MarĆ solemnly.
"You know I really admire you," he said, aiming his gaze close enough to hers to create the illusion of eye contact. "I always have. I never wanted to hurt or upset you."
MarĆ wished for a brief moment that they could touch him and then shrugged the impulse off. "I know love," they cooed. "Me too."
Without really understanding why, she pressed her hand to her chest directly above her heart and tapped, just like how she did with Kit. Ty studied MarĆ for a moment and then followed suite.
MarĆ in spite of themself, actually felt bad for him. They could clearly see the toll the last three years had taken on him, specifically the last few weeks. Maybe his family couldn't see it, and they definitely knew that Kit couldn't, but MarĆ could.
MarĆ of all people could see past the mask because they knew what masking looked like. It wasn't just about appearing normal, whatever that word meant. It was about hiding your feelings. Taking that heart you wore on your sleeve and locking it up tight. But everytime MarĆ looked at Ty, they could see it. And it was bleeding.
Ripped and bloody and broken, just like her own and yet they both still had the sheer audacity to keep breathing. MarĆ was proud of them both.
"You need to talk to him," MarĆ prompted. "You both need to be honest with each other."
Ty furrowed his brow. "Honest? About what? He doesn't feel the same way." He had gone back to flicking his fingers as he stared at her, looking puzzled.
Bloody hell between the two of them, Kit and Ty were giving MarĆ the mother of all headaches.
They took a deep breath. "Yes they do Ty," MarĆ tried not to sound exasperated. "Kit is in love with you, believe me. They told me."
It hurt MarĆ's heart to have to say it, but it was true and Ty deserved to know the truth. And they knew deep down that Kit wouldn't really be happy, he wouldn't be Kit until he had Ty. And MarĆ had to make their peace with that.
Ty looked understandably confused. He ran a frantic hand through his hair. "But why are you telling me this? Why are you helping me?" He asked. "Don't you love them?"
She fought the urge to cry as tears gathered in her eyes. She found herself digging her nails into her palms despite chastising Ty for doing it a few minutes ago.
"I'm telling you all of this because I love them" she cried desperately. "Because Kit cries out your name in his sleep Ty! Because everytime he sees you, he stares at you like you are the moon the sun and the stars! Because everytime you speak they hang onto absolutely every word, and when you laugh-" MarĆ cut herself off.
They squeezed their eyes shut and took deep long breaths. Ty said nothing. MarĆ opened their eyes to see Ty staring at them in dismay. He looked like he was trying to think of what to say to help.
MarĆ shook their head. "I know Kit loves me. And they probably always will. We were close friends even before we started dating." MarĆ groaned and shook out their entire body this time, jumping up and down a few times as well to get rid of the tension. If Ty thought this was weird he didn't comment on it.
MarĆ wiped her eyes carefully trying not to smudge her mascara. "But you Ty?" His eyes refocused on her again at the sound of his name. MarĆ chuckled humourlessly. "Fucking hell, he is in love with you. And right now he is thinking that you hate him and I know it's tearing him up inside."
Ty stared at MarĆ hopelessly, looking overwhelmed and exhausted. "So what do I do then? What am I supposed to say?"
MarĆ shrugged. "I can't help you with that I'm sorry. It has to come from you." Ty looked even more panicked.
They gave him what they hoped was an encouraging smile. "Don't be scared Ty," they murmered. "It's Kit remember. They're not scary. You have nothing to worry about."
Ty didn't answer her. He had wrapped his arms around his body, squeezing tightly. "MarĆ do you remember those dead moon jellyfish we buried on the beach?" He asked.
She was a little confused as to why he was bringing this up now. "Yeah? Why?"
"That's what I feel like right now," Ty admitted. "Like I've washed up on the beach and now I'm just waiting for someone to come along and step on me."
MarĆ's heart sank. "Oh Ty," they breathed. "I promise that won't happen with Kit. I can't make any promises for anyone else, but I do know that Kit has absolutely no intention of hurting you again love."
Ty looked pensive. MarĆ could only hope that Ty would make the decision to trust them.
With a sudden jolt MarĆ remembered the party.
"Hey we still have the Halloween party to go to," she said, shaking Ty out of his stupor. "Do you still wanna go?"
To their surprise, Ty nodded. "Sure. I think Alyssa might kill me if I back out now."
MarĆ snorted. Alyssa Reyes could be pretty terrifying at times.
With surprise MarĆ found that their spirts were lighter having cleared the air with Ty and with the prospect of a party being renewed.
She smiled. "All right then let's head out!" MarĆ smoothed down the long black wig over her shoulders and quickly smoothed out the long skirt of her black slinky dress before turning and exiting the training room.
She knew that she would have to talk to Kit at some point and that conversation would be brutal. But at least they could have one last night together.
It's better this way. MarĆ told themself as they walked back towards the main living room where everyone was gathered.Ā At least now Kit can be happy.
It's for the best.
It has to be.
So I'm actually planning on writing a part 3 from Kit's pov because the drama isn't over yet! š
Tag list: lmk if you wanna be added/removed.
@playwithravenclaw @lavender-scented-rat @jazzkaurtheglorious @waterlillies Ā @nott-the-best @stxr-thxif @magnus-the-fabulous-entp-bane @foxglove-airmid @littlx-songbxrd @clarys-heosphoros @queenlilith43 @arangiajoan @hardlymatters @thomas-gaypanic-lightwood @tired-vin @phoenix-and-dragon @the-blackdale @adoravel-fenomeno @the-wckd-powers
#tsc#twp#kit x ty#marĆ the werewolf#the wicked powers#marĆa machado sotomayor#we stan autistic bonding#we stan queer bonding
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MLM!Cullen Fic Rec List
Inspired by this post. Here is my fic rec list of some of my favorite fics with queer Cullen. Happy Pride :)Ā š³ļøāš š³ļøāš š³ļøāš
Cullen/Dorian
Only True in Fairy Tales by Dragonflies_and_Katydids
Summary:Ā In which Dorian is a special forces operative, Bull is his partner, and Cullen is the guy they're sent to rescue. Hijinks ensue. // Words: 110150
Modern AU. Dragonflies_and_Katydids makes me read the weirdest stuff. But their work is always captivating. The more ridiculous set up the better outcome, I promise. This one is both ridiculous and absolutely perfect. And somehow one of the very few modern au fics in which Cullen's lyrium addiction is well transfered without making it literal.
Fashionably Late by tsurai
For the tumblr prompt: Cullen/Dorian Soulmates AU? <3 "Makerās breath, this is absolutely the worst timing, he thinks distantly." //Ā Words: 1038
This is but a tiny thing but I'm a sucker for a soulmate AU. Would I love it more if it was 150,000 words? Yes. But I'm just greedy.
COLD HANDS, WARM HEART by spicyshimmy, stonelions
Summary: Cullen and Dorian's friendship deepens. Cullen is a romantic. Dorian is literally cold. Cullen is no longer certain what he would consider surprising. Mages and Templars working in perfect cooperation, perhaps. Evil and corruption disappearing into the ground along with the blight, blood magic falling so far out of favor it ceased to be. A united Thedas: that would be a surprise. // Words: 25369
I think this is most recced Cullrian fic and for a good reason. Slow burn, drama, all the delights.Ā
Light In This Darken'd Time Breaks by RamonaDecember
Summary: Cullen wouldn't say he hates mages, not anymore, but he can't see himself ever trusting one again. Dorian is no exception. The mage is off-color, self-important, and all together too much for Cullen to deal with. So why is it that every time Cullen is at his lowest, Dorian seems to be the only person by his side? // Words: 121289
Slow burn with 121289 words, what more do you want?
Cullen/Bull
Jump In by Dragonflies_and_Katydids
Summary: In which Cullen is almost terminally awkward, Bull and Dorian are literally brothers (because why not?), and Bull tries really hard to be good. Or: In which Dorian tries to set up his brother and his roommate, if he can avoid killing them for being so clueless. (You might get cavities from reading it. Don't say I didn't warn you.) // Words: 33700
What did I say about Dragonflies_and_Katydids and ridiculous premises? But if you're as delighted with awkward Cullen as am I - enjoy.
Dragons from Stars in an Empty Sky by Midna_Ronoa
Summary: The one in which Bull takes Cullen dragon-hunting. // Words: 10423
Fluff and smut and dragons!
Stuck on the Puzzle by thespectaclesofthor
Summary: Once, back in Kirkwall, Cullen had an arrangement with a member of the city guard that satisfied his needs. But time changed all things, and he despaired of ever finding a similar arrangement again - that was, until he met The Iron Bull. Problem being that Bull seemed to care far more about sorting out the nitty-gritty of such an arrangement than Cullen ever has. // Words: 235586
No fic rec lists that can involve Bullen canot do without Stuck on the Puzzle. If you haven't read it - please give it a try. As far as I'm concerned - the best fic in the fandom. And definately one of the best fics in general. <3
Cullen/Dorian/Bull
Exit Light by Dragonflies_and_Katydids
Summary: In which Cullen is suicidally depressed, Dorian is a high-functioning alcoholic, and Bull just wants them both to be happy, except when he wants to crack their heads together for being emotionally stunted idiots. // Words: 77427
This premise is actually very close to canon, compared to some other stories by the same author recced here. The angst? Delightful. The smut? Delicious. The exploration of issues? Delectable! Cheff kisses all around.
to burn cool and collected by toomanyhometowns
Summary: Dorian hums. "Here is the function of the spell: Upon invocationne, ye caster's spyryt shal sterte to ye form of whomsoever mofte recently achieved releafe by hys hande." He taps the page in punctuation and looks back up. "And then there's a lot of text about the vast joys we may experience together, et cetera, et cetera." // Words: 16121
Ok, this list shows more than anything that my main delight is issues and angst wrapped in with porn. Anyway - cracky premise (body swap!), and angsty, sexy outcome.
Hold by queeniegalore
Summary: Everyone knows Cullen doesn't trust magic. But he trusts Dorian and Bull, so maybe they can make this work. // Words: 6654
Issues? Trauma? Kink? I'm a one trick pony when it comes to recs.
Cullen/Cole
Okay now that weāve gotten the obvious out, letās enjoy the trully unexpected enjoyment.
Into The Light (Cole/Cullen Ficlets) by Sinister_Kid
Summary: A series of what I hope are tasteful Cole/Cullen fics that don't exploit or overly sexualize Cole's developing character. Based on a prompt I filled out of boredom in which I imagined the spirit actually hearing someone's pain like a physical noise in his ears that caused discomfort. Explores the option of making Cole more human, with my own original take on how that affects him as a character, and depicts Cole developing romantic feelings for the Commander as he discovers what it means to be human. // Words: 20454
I admit I don't often read Cole shippy fics but this one stays true to the info in the summary and it is careful and tasteful. Also Cullen learning to speak with Cole properly - <333
Cullen/Varric
Verse & Volley Triptych by boycoffin
Summary: POSSIBLE TITLES: This Shit Was Even Weirder: A Surprisingly Not-Doomed Romance In The Shadow of the Apocalypse The Commander and the Rogue already taken, Antivan maritime smut with an elf girl in it How The Hell I Ended Up With That Guy: A Tale for The People Who Keep Asking Me About It In Bars The Short and Curlies that's just terrible Love Among the tropey garbage A Tale of Two Names pretentious and unclear The Penman's Paramour Memoirs of a Moron (That He's Going to Regret Publishing and Will Never Hear The End Of for As Long As He Lives) // Words: 133354
One of the very few fics in which I can not only accept but love 1st person POV. Crack. Slow-burn. Pennames. Lovable OCs. DELICIOUS. Also a fic that made me start this blog, so love all around.
Cullen/Krem
Last but not least, my delightful fave (maybe, possibly, probably) and involving a shameless self-plug because itās the month of pride.
Swordplay by orphan_account
Summary: The Bull's Chargers are undisciplined, untested, and unprofessional; but Cullen can't stop thinking about their lieutenant. // Words: 3910
I have a soft spot for whoever Krem being shipped with not knowing he's trans at first. But also oblivious, pining Cullen <3
If you have been starving, a creature of bone by missivesfromghosts
Summary: Cullen is content with where he is. He has a life and a purpose. Heās doing the Makerās work and heās cut the Chantryās leash on him. He barely thinks about the fact that heās trans anymore. The last person who knew he was born anything different, barring his sister Mia, died during the Blight. This works for him. That is, until he starts falling for Krem. // Words: 769
A tiny thing but I have a soft spot for the idea. Also what's better than a ship with trans character? A ship with two trans characters. Keep that in mind for further recs actually.
Sweet, Merciful Andraste by Tainaron
Summary: PWP. Honestly, Cullen should invest in walls and a ceiling that don't have holes if he's going to keep having such loud sex. Pure, unapologetic smut between trans men who love each other. // Words: 4187
ĀÆ\_(ć)_/ĀÆĀ What more do you want from me? Sometimes porn is just porn. Enjoy.
Champions of the Just by Tainaron
Summary: En route to Griffin Wing Keep before the battle of Adamant, Cullen falls prey to an injury that reveals a shameful secret about his trauma with magic. As Cullen struggles with his past, his duty to the Inquisition, and his love life, he becomes increasingly uncertain if heās the target of an assassination attempt or just his own personal demons. // Words: 67885
Well, I also have some plottier and angstier fics in my rec disposal. This one actually explores the problems Krem and Cullen could encounter in their relationship and all within the canon plot line. Plus bonus points of Cullen actually interacting with other Chargers.
cabbage: a love story by psikeval
Summary: Kremās grin fades into a quiet smirk, his eyes warm and amused, and Cullen does not forget how to move his legs because he is a grown man, a leader of soldiers, commander of the Inquisitionās army. He breaks the silence by coughing loudly, because he is also an imbecile. // Words: 18932
Creme de la creme of Krem/Cullen fics <3 Fluff, crack, porn <3 This delightful series has it all!Ā
#fic rec#pride month#dragon age#dragon age inquisition#cullen rutherford#bi cullen#cullen/krem#bullen#cullen/bull#culrian#cullen/dorian#culric#cullen/varric#cullen/cole#rec list
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Press: āItās a New Dayā: THR Drama Actress Roundtable
THE HOLLYWOOD REPORTER: Gillian Anderson had been dreading this. A tripod had arrived at her home in the U.K., along with a mess of lights and, really, just the thought of having to sit through an hour-plus on Zoom had her practically reeling. But then the woman who stuns as Margaret Thatcher in the most recent season of Netflixās The Crown got talking ā about pigeonholing and pay equity, about grieving and giving oneself over ā and soon she didnāt want to stop talking. And neither did anyone else ā The Queenās Gambitās Anya Taylor-Joy, Poseās Mj Rodriguez, Genius: Arethaās Cynthia Erivo, WandaVisionās Elizabeth Olsen and Ratchedās Sarah Paulson ā at THRās annual (virtual) Drama Actress Roundtable.
Letās start easy. Complete this sentence: On set, Iām the one who is most likely to be ā¦
GILLIAN ANDERSON Hiding in a corner. (Laughter.)
ANYA TAYLOR-JOY Pacing whilst moving my hands like this (waving above) trying to figure out what it is that Iām doing.
SARAH PAULSON Bossing everyone around.
ELIZABETH OLSEN Probably trying to make the crew laugh.
At the same time, youāre also inhabiting characters for long stretches and often they require you to go to dark or heavy places. What happens when a director yells, āCutā? Do they come home with you?
MJ RODRIGUEZ I try to separate myself from Blanca as much as possible, especially [because weāre] dealing with immense trauma. So, when I go home, itās Michaela JaĆ© going home, and I bring Blanca to the set. Itās easier that way because it can weigh on you otherwise and wash off on your family.
TAYLOR-JOY I wish I had as much control over it. For me, there are some characters that you can very easily snap in and out of and then there are other ones like Beth in The Queenās Gambit. Iād worked back-to-back on two projects with one day off in between, so by the time I got to filming the show, I was exhausted and there was no energy to create a barrier. And that was potentially the toughest thing about the show, because it was a wonderful experience as an actor to be able to not have to reach for any emotion, but then you also have to go through the psychological warfare of figuring out, āWhy do I feel so awful in the morning?ā Like, āWhat is happening?ā And then you go, āOh, itās not my feelings,ā but I have to sit in them all day and I have to be aware enough to go, āYou are not depressed, the character is depressed, and at some point that will leave you.ā But I do think a bath every single night ā being able to have the visual representation of washing yourself clean of something ā helps.
OLSEN Regardless of what exactly the day requires of you, emotionally, youāre just tired. And so you try to be patient and professional and kind, and then when you go home, thatās when your fuse is just ā¦ smaller. (Laughter.)
TAYLOR-JOY You should date us, weāre fabulous.
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CYNTHIA ERIVO I did, it was a real ugly cry. After playing [Harriet Tubman in the 2019 film], I went straight to see my mother in London and I donāt know what happened, but I just broke. You know the visual representation of shattering glass? That was what was happening to me. All the stuff I had to dig through to play her, all that heartbreaking stuff didnāt leave me when I finished, and it took time to just dissipate. And it was the same with Aretha ā unfortunately, the pandemic hit when we were in the middle of shooting, so I couldnāt completely get rid of her during the six-month hiatus, and then I had to go right back into playing her. And itās little things, like mannerisms, that stick with you. The lilt in her voice when sheās speaking to people. Like, thatās not me but I was stuck with that for a bit. And I was recording an album at the same time, so there was no space between one and the other. It took me a while before I could listen to an Aretha song again.
ANDERSON I certainly had that experience doing X-Files for nine seasons. I had a good couple of mini breakdowns during that, and at the end, could not talk about it, could not see it, could not see pictures, could not. I needed to immerse immediately in theater in another country. And then after a while, I was able to embrace it again, but when I started to embrace it, it was almost like I separated myself so much that I was looking at the image as if it was another person. When you immerse yourself so entirely as we can and we do for such long periods of time, thereās not going to be no consequence to that. Of course, thereās going to be consequence to that.
TAYLOR-JOY May I pose a question to the group?
Please do.
TAYLOR-JOY Itās so wonderful hearing you two talk about this, because Iāve always felt really crazy for the depressions that you go into after you leave a character and not being able to necessarily connect with yourself. And Iām really curious to hear what your relationship is with something being seen. Because when I first started working, I convinced myself that filmmaking was a very private practice with a private group of people and that no one was ever going to see it. And I thought Iād grow out of that, and I havenāt. Every project I have to sit myself down about two months after itās finished and go, āPeople are going to see this and have access to it whenever they want.ā How do you guys work [handle that]? Because for Queenās Gambit, I had to go through a grieving period. It was grief, genuinely, to think, āOh goodness, this thing that I loved so much is not mine anymore.ā
ANDERSON I had that experience after doing Blanche in Streetcar [Named Desire] here in the U.K. and then in New York.
OLSEN I saw your last performance in New York. You were fabulous.
PAULSON Fucking phenomenal.
ANDERSON I felt like Iād lost my best friend. I was grieving. Some friends of mine in New York had a brunch for me the weekend after [I finished my run], and I arrived like a complete wreck. It was so profound. I also knew it was unlikely I was going to do it again because I knew that Iād probably lose my mind. I got really close. Like, Iād survived by the skin of my teeth and if I did it again out of ego or attachment or not wanting to let her go, there would be consequences. So I knew it was the end, and it was so sad.
ERIVO Do you know whatās so crazy? I listen to you and Iām like, āOh my God, thatās what was happening to me during The Color Purple.ā It was the last show and I started grieving in the show, knowing that it was coming to an end. Thereās one last song and I couldnāt get through it. And then the show ends and I buckled under the sadness of it. But there was no way I could have continued playing Celie on that stage. It [had been] 14 months and I had to let her go. The line between me and her had disappeared. But to answer your question, Anya, Iāve never had an issue with people seeing things. I usually have an issue seeing it after itās done.
PAULSON This happened when I did Marcia Clark [for The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story]. I felt a profound connection to her and I felt protective of her, and the experience had been so tectonic plate-shifting for me, both as a performer and as a human, and I thought, āIf I watch it, Iām going to pick apart everything.ā She was left-handed, so every time I use my right hand, Iām going to think, āGod damn it, why did they use that?ā So, the only way to protect myself from that is to detach from what the world will experience with it. And Iāve maintained that for a long time now ā I really donāt watch [things Iām in] because I donāt have the strength, first of all, to bear the sight of my face and, also, I find it really confronting. The preciousness of the thing you were creating with these other people is what I want to be the indelible thing for me and not how it was edited.
TAYLOR-JOY Mm-hmm.
PAULSON All that does is make me furious because I donāt have the power to go in and go, āHi, um, could you choose take six? Itās infinitely better.ā (Laughter.) And when you donāt have that ability and youāre at the mercy of someone elseās opinion of what is the finest work that youāve done, which doesnāt always line up with what you feel, itās really jarring and you feel so powerless to do anything about it. So, I have to just sage it all out and let my experience be the only thing that governs the way I feel about it.
RODRIGUEZ When the first two seasons of Pose came out, I didnāt watch them at first because I was just so nervous about how the world would receive it. It was a story that a lot of people havenāt gotten to see, and it was a whole bunch of trans women of color finally getting their shot. Itās a lot of responsibility. And on top of that, itās a story thatās filled with trauma and things that a lot of us trans women have gone through, so it was hard for me to watch all of those things back.
Gillian, in your career youāve also been a champion for pay equity. But even as you were promoting a book you co-authored on female empowerment a few years ago, you acknowledged that you were nervous speaking up about being paid less than your male co-star. What do you think you were scared of, and how have the conversations for you changed since?
ANDERSON I just need to point out that I first fought for pay equity way back when it was audacious by anybodyās standards, because I was a nobody when we started to do that series. But when I really spoke up about it was when it happened again, four or five years ago, after the career Iād already had post-X-Files. We were going back to do another season and Fox came to me to offer, I donāt know, a 10th of what my co-star [David Duchovny] was being offered. That was the point where I was like, āFuck this. Iām actually going to talk about this [publicly].ā And since then, it hasnāt really come up. I mean, I havenāt worked with a lot of men, so that hasnāt been an issue. (Laughs.) Iām certainly tuned to it, and were it something now, Iād address it. But I have so much admiration for anyone who stands up for their right either to be paid or to be hired, period. And look, they werenāt going to fire me on The X-Files. The stakes werenāt that high. I put my foot down, not because the stakes werenāt high, but if they were going to fire me, some people were going to have some things to say about that. Itās very different for a young woman going into a job situation with a boss whoās overbearing and asking for a pay raise.
Sure, you had leverage.
ANDERSON Yeah.
For the rest of you, when have you spoken up in your careers?
ERIVO I mean, the obvious is Iām a Black woman, and that has a lot to do with how youāre paid, how youāre hired, if youāre hired, the way youāre hired ā it affects everything. Iām lucky enough to have a team behind me that is brave enough to ask the questions Iād like asked: What Iām being paid compared to the leading man in the show, or if Iām being paid a lot less, whether or not they are willing to come up so it becomes equal. And about little things in my contract that just make it easier to exist on a set. For me, itās about having the guts to stick with it and to keep asking and keep fighting. And there are definitely times where youāre like, āI am so exhausted from asking the same thing.ā Like, if we could please have this makeup artist with me because usually there are no Black makeup artists on a set and youāre the only one who needs one, and Iāve had to have that fight every single time Iāve gone onto a set: āI need to hire these two people because they are the only people that understand how to do my face or my hair.ā It isnāt about vanity, itās about making sure that whoever Iām playing is represented in the right way because they understand how to work with my skin tone and my hair. But you keep sticking with it because itās not just me having my way, itās me being able to employ two other people. And then maybe Iām asking, āCan we have a DP who understands lighting that works on my skin tone?ā So itās constantly being OK with asking the questions. And there is a bit of fear, like, āAm I going to be seen as difficult?ā And yes, there are times where Iāve had someone say theyāve heard I was difficult, but usually, itās because Iāve asked a question that will make for a better surrounding or a better show. And if I keep asking the questions and if other ladies like myself keep asking the questions, and we keep trying to better our spaces, it just becomes the norm ā because at some point it has to just become the norm.
Elizabeth, I believe you had a saying in your house growing up, āNo is a full sentence.ā When do you find you use it?
OLSEN I use it a lot. (Laughs.) I use it when Iām on set. I mean, I want to be a part of every department when Iām on set. I want to understand the schedule. I want to understand everything. I produced a TV show [Sorry for Your Loss] that didnāt get too much light of day because it was on Facebook, which, whatever ā¦ but as a producer on it, it was really important for me to be a voice of everything youāre saying, Cynthia, and have heads of departments feel like and look like the freakinā world. And just from having a taste of that for two seasons, I canāt [go back]. So when I go to do Dr. Strange 2 in England, I guess I use it when I just canāt shake it even though [the production is] so much bigger than me. I donāt know, my opinions are vast and everyone hears them, from the first AD to the EP. I think Iām like a representative of anyone having a hard time on set. ā¦ (Laughs.)
PAULSON Youāre the Equity rep, I love it.
OLSEN Oh my God. (Laughter.)
When you think about your careers, is there someone elseās that you look at and go, āOoh, yeah, Iād love thatā?
OLSEN Gillianās, Sarahās ā¦
ERIVO Yeah, Sarah, youāre that for me. Youāre fucking incredible.
PAULSON You saying that to me makes me want to cry because sometimes you feel like youāre doing this in a bubble and you donāt even know if anything youāre doing ever has any meaning or impact to anyone.
ERIVO It does. From my heart, it does. And I hope I get to work with you one day.
PAULSON Iād give my eyeteeth. (Laughs.) For me, itās Gillian ā somebody being on a TV program for a long time thatās wildly successful and then retreats to another country to be onstage, to reconnect yourself to the very things that inspired you and made you want to be a part of this. It all gets very confusing in terms of how to navigate [this business]because you do want to make a living, but you also want to follow your heart. And there does come a time where you can become quite depleted from the constant output without any input. And if youāre a woman of a certain age, which I certainly am, I feel like Iāve got one foot on one window frame and Iāve got the other one over here and Iām just trying to insist that they stay open for as long as possible. And some of that is beyond my control, but when I look at Gillianās career I just go, āWell, I want that.ā
ANDERSON Thank you for saying that. On the one hand, I feel like there is some degree of design, but Iāve also never really gone after things. And when I finished with X-Files, I didnāt know if I wanted to be on a set again ever. So aside from having grown up in the U.K. and wanting to go back, I knew it would take time before I could, if I was going to. And in London, you could move between theater and TV, and that was always my dream. But every actor has the thing that theyād want more than the thing that they have, and Iām a cinephile, and so I [wonder], āWhy do I keep doing TV? All I want to do is do film.ā And Iām still doing TV. (Laughs.) But Iāve had such amazing opportunities that, coming from Scully, I even questioned people, like, āWhy are you offering this to me? What makes you think that I can do this?ā Iāll also say that as soon as you have kids, kids are the priority. So, I say to people, āIām gonna be such a pain in the ass for you to hire. But if you think Iām this person, Iām gonna need to work during this period of time and then have time with my kids. And itās going to be expensive for you. If you are willing to do that, then Iām your girl, and if youāre not, you need to find somebody else.ā
Anya, Queenās Gambit became a global juggernaut. How have your opportunities and choices changed? Is there pressure to strike while the iron is hot?
TAYLOR-JOY I think Iāve always followed character and only recently did I start following directors as well, but itās always been about, āDo I feel like Iām the right person to tell this story? Do I think I can tell this story correctly?ā And if you look at something like Queenās Gambit, it was not supposed to be the white-hot show; itās a show about a girl that plays chess for seven hours, but I felt so compelled to tell that story. So, it sounds cheesy, but I really just keep following my heart. OK, wait, I take that back. Something Iām also learning is that you give yourself to this person for three to six months, and I never used to think about this before, but now I start thinking, āAm I ready to give up my life for this person? Do I need to tell this story so badly that Iām going to do that?ā I try not to think about what other people will think, because itās your life at the end of the day. And as we all know, youāre that [character] every hour of the day, and when you go home itās difficult to let go of them, so you have to really love them.
Mj, youāve talked about how significant this show was for you and for the visibility of the trans community. How have the opportunities being presented to you post-Pose changed?
RODRIGUEZ In the middle of the third season, I started figuring out my worth, and itās scary. I was nervous. I didnāt expect to actually book my next job after Pose.
ERIVO I did.
PAULSON We all did.
RODRIGUEZ And see, thatās my insecurity and thatās something I have to fix. I didnāt think it was possible. To get an opportunity like Pose and have myself centered in the story and to end it with hope, and then to get another opportunity with an iconic actress [an Apple TV+ comedy co-starring Maya Rudolph] was surreal. But if Iām still feeling the need for protection as far as my Blackness, my Latina-ness and my trans-ness go, that means there is more work to be done.
Are there doors still not open to the rest of you? Parts youād love to play if only Hollywood would see you that way?
PAULSON No one has asked me to do a comedy, and Iām a little frustrated about that.
ERIVO And youāre funny as fuck.
PAULSON I spend a lot of time in these worlds where Iām either running or crying or screaming or playing a real person and trying to get their physicality, and Iād really like to do a nice road picture with me and a couple of chicks.
ANDERSON Ooh, Iāll go with you!
PAULSON How about all of us just in a road movie ā like, get a Winnebago and letās go?
ERIVO Iām down.
RODRIGUEZ Yeah, count me in.
ANDERSON Iām 53, Sarah, and Iāve really only been offered comedy in the last three years of my life, and I donāt think thatās because Iām any funnier than I used to be. I think a lot of it is that people just couldnāt fathom it, whether it was that Scully was still in their minds or it was someone else, because Iāve played a lot of dark characters, too. And so they just werenāt coming. And then came [Netflix comedy] Sex Education ā and I passed when it first came to me because I didnāt think it was right. It was my partner who proverbially dug it out of the trash.
ERIVO Iāve yet to see a Call Me by Your Name for a Black woman, I have yet to see a piece that allows a woman of color to be sensual and soft and loving and be loved. Iāve just not seen it, and I desperately want to experience that, just because I want to be able to be in that space of vulnerability and lilt. I really want to do that. And that hasnāt come my way. A comedy hasnāt come my way either.
RODRIGUEZ Same. Itās been so hard when it comes to trans women being loved in a sensual way, and Iād love to do something like that.
Elizabeth and Anya, to Sarahās point, Hollywood likes to keep actors in a lane. How have you avoided that kind of pigeonholing in your careers to date?
TAYLOR-JOY Iāve been saved from a lot of things in my life from pure innocence and naivete, genuinely. My first movie was called The Witch, I got a script immediately afterward that was about, you guessed it, a witch, and I figured, āWow, why do they want to see me do this again?ā So, I was immediately like, āCan I not do anymore witch movies, please?ā And my agent was like, āOK. Sure, whatever you say.ā I wonder how many people agree with me here because I certainly want to please, but in order to please, I donāt have to give up myself, and actually itās more important to please myself than it is to please anybody else. Iām giving my heart, my body, my soul, everything to this character, Iām not going to do something because somebody wants me to do it. That doesnāt make any sense and, also, it makes me miserable and then I canāt do my best work. And so if I feel the opportunities that are being given to me arenāt the right ones, then I have to stick my neck out and go, āHey, I think I could maybe do this, if youāll give me the opportunity to try.ā
How about you, Elizabeth?
OLSEN [In the beginning,] I was just trying so hard to not be put in a box that thatās what was guiding my choices. I knew that I didnāt want to be an actor who was thought of as āyouthful and beautifulā and whatever that attachment people like to put onto young women, and so I did everything in my power not [to be seen as] that. But I didnāt have my own pillars of why I wanted to do things beyond just the character. That started to solidify only in the last five years. So I made a lot of odd decisions [after theater school at NYU] because I didnāt know enough about film and the machine of it. Right, Sarah? You were there for that time. We were in Martha Marcy May Marlene, and I remember someone asked me, āYou had Sarah Paulson with you, didnāt you know it could be a film people saw?ā And I was like ā¦
PAULSON You were like, āWho the fuck is Sarah Paulson?ā (Laughter.)
OLSEN No, but independent cinema to me was just, like, going to Quad Cinema in New York and seeing a movie. The theater world is all I understood. So I feel like a moron for going back to theater only once in 10 years. And this conversation with Gillian right now is inspiring.
In light of Elizabethās concern about the trap of being perceived as āyouthful and beautiful,ā how would you all complete this sentence: I wish our male counterparts also had to ā¦
OLSEN Deal with lighting and hair and makeup before doing press. I donāt know what Iām doing.
ERIVO Deal with people believing that youāve lost your sexuality after the age of 30.
TAYLOR-JOY Had an understanding of what it was like to walk into a room and sometimes have to enforce yourself for people to take you seriously. That ability to just walk into a room and go, āI am valid, I own my space and everybody respects meā ā it would be good if they knew what it was like to not have that.
ERIVO And on the flip side, to not have to deal with walking into the room and trying to make sure people arenāt scared of you when you get there.
What do you all know now that you wish you could have told yourself at the beginning of your career?
PAULSON I would like to have told myself that I didnāt need to excise myself from the experience. I was very focused on looking at other actors who had careers that I admired when I was first starting out and wondering what it was about them that made it possible for them to be chosen or employed and Iād often try, in an audition or a social setting, to mimic what I imagined was the desired effect, taking me out of the scenario. And thereās this beautiful Martha Graham-to-Agnes de Mille letter that I used to keep in a dressing room any time I was doing a play, about how there is only one you in all of time and space and that what you see and how you experience things is unique to you. And if you block it, the world will not have it. And as a young person, I thought, āMute me, mute my opinions, my thoughts, my assessments and try to fill it with other things,ā and now I think itās the exact opposite, so I wish I had known that earlier. But Iāll take knowing it now [over] never knowing it at all.
RODRIGUEZ I would have told my younger self that my existence is worth it. When I was younger, I tried to fit into this mold of what a woman should do ā you know, keep your legs crossed, always bow down to a man. But we donāt have to live in that world anymore. Itās a new day.
It is, and thatās a good place to end. Thank you all for sharing your time and your stories.
ERIVO I know weāre supposed to finish, but do you know whatās occurred to me as Iāve listened to every one of you? I remember where I was when I watched every single one of you ā and I remember what I was dealing with or going through. I was watching you, Sarah, when I was shooting Aretha. I was watching you, Elizabeth, when I was in London on my own, and you, Anya, when I was in Atlanta. Mj, I remember watching a season of Pose while I was shooting The Outsider. And Gillian, I watched you when I was in a hotel with my partner outside of London. And I remember what happened. And so your performances arenāt just brilliant, your performances get to be Post-its in all of our lives, and so I thank you for that.
PAULSON Thatās a very beautiful way to put it ā¦
ANDERSON It also brings us back full circle to what Anya said at the beginning, which is, āOh my God, I have to keep reminding myself that people are going to watch this.ā But actually, thank God that people are watching it, because weāve touched each otherās lives and numerous other peopleās lives just by focusing on the thing that we love most.
TAYLOR-JOY And the importance of these conversations is the honesty, because itās very easy for us to get locked into our own heads of this as an individual experience ā āThereās something wrong with me,ā or āEverybody else is doing really great and nobody else grieves their characters,ā or whatever your version of that is in whatever industry youāre in. But having honest conversations with people who are willing to be vulnerable just makes me feel so much less alone.
PAULSON The next time you feel that way, text me. Iāll remind you. Iād also like to say that thereās this [perception] of women being pitted against one another and not being there for one another, and this conversation is diametrically opposed, in that what we are actually saying is that each of us has been buoyed by and inspired by the work of everyone here. So, I may not watch anything I do, but I sure as hell am watching all of you.
Press: āItās a New Dayā: THR Drama Actress Roundtable was originally published on Elizabeth Olsen Source ā¢ Your source for everything Elizabeth Olsen
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Iāve been vibing with Thrive more often lately and sometimes I vibe with a song and I donāt know why but this time I think I do. Back when Vice Verses first came out, Thrive was one of the songs I latched on to, but I didnāt really know why. I also didnāt know I was trans, I just knew that there was something weird and different about my experience of gender that I didnāt understand, and promptly ignored for a handful of years. Over time Iāve realized that I relate to Thrive on a very gender level and that the song reflects my experience with figuring out my gender identity.
āBeen fighting things that I canāt see in/like voices coming from the inside of me and/like doing things I find hard to believe in/am I myself or am I dreaming?ā For me, pre-realizing I am trans, I always felt this discomfort around being gendered a particular way, and I was always fighting that feeling and pushing it aside, trying to make myself believe that I was completely cisgender. In some ways, it felt like living in a nightmare. Turns out that was moderate dysphoria, and I didnāt have the words to describe that experience.
āIāve been awake for an hour or so/checking for a pulse but I just donāt know/am I a man when I feel like a ghost?/the stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothesā These last two lines hit hard for me. As I was coming to terms not just with being non-binary but also my relationship with masculinity, there was a lot of times that I felt like I was faking, or that Iād never ātrulyā be a non-binary guy. The rise of transphobia didnāt help with my insecurities either, when the predominant message youāre hearing from the media is that trans people are faking or harmful or whatever disgusting things people were saying then and are saying now, itās really hard not to internalize that. Every time I looked in the mirror I was seeing someone I wasnāt, a physical reflection that didnāt match who I wanted to be.
Between āa warm body donāt mean Iām aliveā and āfeels like I travel but never arrive/I want to thrive not just surviveā, this feels like the tipping point for me, the point where I had to either accept being miserable for the rest of my life or embrace being trans and figuring out what makes me happy, gender-wise. It was either a never-ending path of misery, or a never-ending path of self-discovery and joy.Ā
āI come alive when I hear you singing/but lately I havenāt been hearing a thing and/I get the feeling that Iām in between/a machine and a man who onlyĀ looks like me.ā Absolutely without meaning to, Jon managed to describe the experience of knowing what you what, knowing what will give you gender euphoria, but not being able to reach that point, for whatever reason.Ā
āI try and hide it and not let it show/but deep down inside me I just donāt know/am I a man when I feel like a hoax/the stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothesā I kind of feel this more now than I did at the start of my gender journey. I really am the kind of person who just pushes things down to deal with them later, but Iāve had a lot of doubt about my gender identity. Itās not an easy thing to figure out, and again, itās really hard when the predominant narratives around transness are discriminatory and hateful. Iāve been told that Iām faking, that my gender isnāt real, and there are absolutely days when I sit down and think āam I really a non-inary guy?ā.
āIām always close but Iām never enough/Iām always in line but Iām never in loveā I do often feel like, because my identity isnāt directly in line with āmanā, that some people just see me as āclose enough to a manā which like, while I have a relationship with masculinity and I tend to present masc, Iām not a man. I donāt pass as a man (and I donāt want to, but thatās entirely different), but I feel this pressure to conform to being a man, toeing that line, but Iām not in love with the idea of being a man.
āI get so down but I wonāt give up/I get slowed down but I wonāt give upā Ultimately, no matter how much garbage I have and will face for being trans, and being trans in a way that doesnāt conform to the gender binary, Iām not going to give up. Iām finally at a place in my life where Iām happy with my gender identity. Good days, bad days, all the days in between, Iām not going to give up on myself.
Which is why I want to come back around to āFeels like I travel but I never arriveā. I see it as a positive at the end of the song, Iām on this gender journey and Iām always going to have new experiences of my gender and find new ways to present that make me happy and refine the ways in which I understand my gender, but it is a never-ending journey. Iāll never arrive at some endpoint of presentation or understanding or identity, and thatās ok. Those moments come from thriving, this journey has evolved beyond me needing to question my identity to survive.Ā
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week 2 - w/c feb 1st
february 3rd 2021
Iāve tried twice now to write a post about why I find the Lister/Rimmer ship so fascinating. It never comes across well, and it's frustrating. I don't know if it's because it comes across too personal and therefore messy compared to my other posts, or if it just comes across poorly written I'm not sure, so I'm trying again, taking a slightly different turn.
I am Lister, in so many ways. I am Scouce and I'm more messy that I should be. I sing and play guitar, though I don't think I'm quite as bad as Lister. I like leather and patches and buttons and boots, and I like collecting rather pointless nicknaks just because they look cool. I am surface level, explicitly like Lister.
Implicitly, I see much more of myself in Rimmer. His issues with mental health are not really talked about or dealt with, or taken seriously when it does come up, though it's clear to me at least, he is not mentally well. He's annoying in a way I fear I am, where my mere presence is a burden and no one wants me there. He reads neurodivergent, and though our divergences are different, I see parts of myself in him. He also reads queer, specifically gay, who's dealing with a lot of internalised homophobia. I'm queer and trans non-binary, and these things are never things I thought I had, but as I've gotten older, I've been able to analyse aspects of myself and see aspects I don't like, like toxic masculinity and internalised transphobia; it's only within the last year or two where I think I've gotten over this, but there may be more things I'm not yet aware of that I'm working to better.
Maybe that's why it's something I connect with. I feel like this can happen in most ships for me - another personal favourite is Hux/Ren from Star Wars - but more often it is both on that deeper level. Much of what makes me Lister is more shallow compared to what makes me Rimmer. Is it weird to say that them loving each other feels like a way I could find peace within myself?
I'm not sure that makes sense, and I'm only really thinking of this as I write it, just seeing what comes out, not thinking about it, but it makes sense in a weird way I think.
The love they have for each other, whether read as platonic or romantic, is something I strive to have, where you joke and tease and push each other to the edge, but if there is any sign they'll fall, you'll grab them and keep them safe and know they'd do the same for you. I feel that from them. Rimmer is by nature a coward, but he will risk himself for Lister at times. Lister is an empathetic person, and though he messes with Rimmer often, he's clear he does understand him.
There are general ship tropes that I like that they fall into - enemies to loves, pining (mutual or otherwise), mental health base stories and even the well crafted explicit pieces - but upon writing this and the previous attempts, I don't think that's all there it too it.
I've talked about how Rimmer is a character you should hate but that you can't help but love, and in a weird way, I feel like this, and the reverse of hating something you should love, is very applicable to the human experience in general.
I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, or if anyone could even relate to something like this. I overthink things, and it's something that brings me joy as well as pain. I can't help but overthink this relationship and these characters, especially Rimmer, just because I see so much of myself - who I used to be, who I am and who I want to be - in them.
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Taking It Up The Ass Isnāt Character Growth - A Rant
So, in response to an ask a while back, I said I had a rant brewing on fandom and sex positions, and well, a lot of you wanted to see it, so here you go. You literally asked for it.
Disclaimer: This is going to talk a lot about top/bottom roles in slash fic and fandom attitude towards them and is heavily filtered through the lens of my own tastes and experiences with fandom. Iād also like to be upfront that I am 100% in favor of people writing whatever fictional content they want, and itās not what fandom does with characters that bothers me but rather how that translates into attitudes towards real, live people. Also, this is the essay version of a slow burn AU because I regurgitate my entire fandom history before getting to the point. Beware.
I discovered fan-fiction around a decade ago, had no clue what the hell it was, got hooked and dived deeper. I started participating in fandom circa 2013, and I was fairly young and also completely inexperienced both sexually and romantically. The fandom in question was Hannibal and my ship of choice was Hannibal/Will. It was/is a very chill fandom in general, but we had our drama. And chief among the contentious topics wasāyou guessed itāthe top/bottom debate. I canāt actually remember any other topic that was discussed and argued for so ardently in that fandom, at least in those days. Even after I drifted away, I came across a few posts on the matter.
Generally, you had two campsāpeople who supported strict roles and those who were in favor of switching*. And because weāre a society plagued by illogical assumptions, the strict role camp mostly had people who thought Mr. Big Bad Cannibal in the Fancy Suits wouldnāt take it up the ass because heās older, more experienced, more mentally stable, and of course, more ādominantā in personality. Yes, that sentence is chock full of problematic shit. I am aware. Lots of people were aware and argued strongly against attributing top/bottom roles to personality. I donāt remember anyone arguing as enthusiastically for Top Will, but those voices were also there. But the general idea was that assigning strict top/bottom roles to a male/male couple was casting them in a heterosexual mold and thus, the progressive option was to make them switch. Strict roles also garnered comparisons to āyaoiā and uke/seme stereotypes, which was of course bad and fetishizing and we, the Western media fans, of course had to do better. Stealth racism is fun to untangle.
Anyway, I lapped up the woke juice. Partly because I was a baby queer from Buttfuck Nowhere, Asia, who had zero exposure to LGBT+ communities and what queer folks did with each other. Partly because it was the stance taken by most of my favorite writers so it seemed like a good position to emulate.
Emulate it I did. Most discussions I had about this happened in private with the handful of close friends I had in fandom. Where it really showed was in my writing. I made sure to write switchingāmaybe not in every fic, but then I alternated between fics. Thing is though, I did have a preference. I liked Top Will. I created and consumed a ton of Top Hannibal, and sometimes it was okay, sometimes it was not, but I couldnāt pinpoint why it made me uncomfortable. Back then, I thought I was a cis questioning/bi girl and once again, the impression I got was that not being MLM, having a preference was automatic fetishization. So I tried my best to justify my preferences, to my friends at least. I think what I said was that fandom was skewed towards Top Hannibal, and I liked the opposite because Iām a contrary fuck. Which I am, to be fair, but this was just me desperately trying to figure shit out without being offensive.
Thatās the line I touted all the way until 2018, which was when I fucked off to grad school in A City, finally freed of Buttfuck Nowhere and able to actually date. At this point, I was settled in my sexuality (girls only) and questioning my gender (non-binary or trans guy). I had also tentatively figured out during undergrad that Iām an exclusive top and a Dom. Actual attempts at dating cemented that, yes, those are my preferences, about as flexible as a steel rod. Cue motherfucking epiphany over my fanfic tastes.
And see, over these years, I was engaging intermittently with fandom. I dutifully wrote switch couples. I also continued to have rigid tastes and continued to explain it away as being a contrary fuckāto be fair, until Steve/Bucky, my preference did seem to be the opposite of the larger fandom preference. But correlation, as we know, isnāt causation. Until Steve/Bucky, I continued to write versatile couples because I honestly didnāt have the guts to just say I liked it just one way. I do now but even then, I feel compelled to add that itās because I want to see my own taste reflected in fic, so I write/read the character I relate to as a top, it's not that deep etc. Would I be as forthright if I didnāt have that reason? Would I have such strict preferences in fic if I didnāt have strict preferences IRL? The latterās a mystery, but the former isnātāI wouldnāt be because fandom is still entrenched in the same ideas that got me to this point to begin with.
In every fandom Iāve been in, Iāve seen some version of this debate go around. Sometimes, itās one party saying āwhy would you write Character X as a bottom, heās so Reason Aā and a reblog chain that insults the OP and/or extols the virtues of switching. Sometimes, itās a general-ish message that says they donāt understand why people have strict preferences when we all know real gay couples switch. Sometimes, itās blanket statements that accuse anyone with preferences of fetishizing. Sometimes, itās the same reasoning that gets you āCharacter Y is a top because of Reason Bā transposed on versatile couples except this takes the form of āthey switch because theyāre equals.ā
Yaāll, Iām fucking tired.
I have long since lost count of the number of stories Iāve seen where an exclusive top learning bottom and liking it is character growth. Where a character who prefers to bottom taking a turn on top is empowering.
Isolated, these are fine. But Iāve seen enough of such stories that itās distinctly discomfiting and a major squick. Sometimes a trigger, if I'm too immersed in the story. Iām not going to try and burn an author at the stake because they pissed me off. I am just going to close that window and quietly handle my shit. People can write whatever they want. But this one theme hits too close to home, as you can see from this 1.6k rant.
My friend (also my ex-girlfriend) and I had an all-out bitching session about this the other day. Both of us are kinky fuckers who have rigid, complementary roles we prefer and we have both had our grueling days of struggling to reconcile our sexual tastes with our ideologies precisely because of how these things are frowned upon in conservative and progressive circles. Seeing that in fandom, of all places, is both insulting and exhausting. Topping and bottoming arenāt personality traits. Neither is D/s. Itās sexual preference and power play. It really does not have to be that deep. I am not exorcising childhood trauma using the bodies of women. My partners, former and current, have not been brainwashed by the patriarchy. We will not become better, more complete individuals once I magically stop being a stone top and my partners embrace the joys of a strap-on.
I have, with my own two eyes, seen someone say that in a really committed relationship, of course the couple will switch.
Bullshit.
Itās transparent bullshit. This does not get attributed to cisgender M/F couples. Even when the automatic assumptions of woman = bottom and man = top get addressed, switching isn't presented as the default. No oneās saying āoh, if you really love your husband, youāll peg himā. I do know butch/femme sapphic couples get their own share of shit. Because itās all heteronormativity, right? Canāt have any other reason for top/bottom roles.
You have two extremes with āso whoās the womanā on one end and āitās woke only if they switchā on the other, and as far as Iām concerned, theyāre equally damaging. There shouldnāt be a pressure, however subtle, to conform your taste in fiction to some arbitrary idea of progressiveness. People are going to like whatever they want anyway; all this does is create an atmosphere where those likes canāt always be freely expressed without a lot of mental gymnastics. Weāre seeing so many versions of this in the pushback against so-called problematic content, but smaller, subtler versions exist too.
Fictional characters arenāt real. They can be whatever you want them to be. And yes, other people will often want them to be the exact opposite of your ideas, but thatās just how things work. Meanwhile, the people behind these usernames? Theyāre real. No one should be throwing real people under the bus to āprotectā characters that donāt exist. Hannibal Lecter doesnāt care whether he gets fucked or dismembered in Author Bās fanfiction, but the discourse that surrounds the dick up his ass? That does affect flesh and blood people.
I am not claiming that this is the only attitude in fandom. Middlegrounds do exist. Plenty of people abide by fic and let fic and there are folks who pipe up to say not every RL queer couple switches. But itās often the extremes that reach most people. That was certainly my experience, and Iām not the only one.
I donāt really know how to end this post. It is 100% a rant and one thatās been building up for a while. Bottom line is that peopleās sexual behavior varies wildly and whenever you attack sexual tastes in fanfic by saying itās unrealistic - or worse because letās be real, thatās a very tame word choice - please remember that thereās likely someone out there who practices it.
* Iām using switch and versatile synonymously in this post. Itās mostly concerned with top/bottom debates. A lot of what Iām saying is also echoed in portrayals of and discussions surrounding D/s dynamics, but Iām not addressing that as much for now. Ā
#fandom#top bottom discourse#wow that's a tag#here it is the rant i promised#because i don't quite trust tumblr i feel compelled to add that this is ofc not some kind of attack on actual people who switch either#you do you man#live your best life#vox has opinions
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3 17 23 for the spn asks. Please tag me @boykingsofhell so I see your answers <3
ask game
Thank you sm @boykingsofhell !! Putting question 3 at the end so that I can put my essay under the cut.
17. Whatās an aspect of SPN people often point to as a flaw that you really enjoy?
the finale was good actually
Okay so. a lot of the flaws that people see in spn have been resolved in various posts about hbo spn but. something specific that people tend to want to resolve in hbo spn that I actually enjoy as-is is how the relationship between characters and religion. There is something to be said about religious trauma but there is also something very powerful about creating the space to analyse it without braining the audience with it. Cas off-handedly saying "Sam is, of course, an abomination" has stuck with me since age 13 (7 years!! heck!!) because it's casually said once and then almost never again, and we the audience are able to extrapolate the effects of that ourselves. Yes, it could be explored more, but I fear what it could have been in the wrong hands.
On a similar track, Supernatural suggests parallels between Sam and Dean and faith in an absent father, one for Dean and one for Sam, where
Dean has blind faith in John while Sam demands autonomy
Sam has desperate faith in God while Dean rejects the concept
but it doesn't demand that you Look at it. Sam doesn't need to carry a rosary to communicate his faith. He doesn't need to beg on his knees in the mud to demonstrate that he wants to be saved. Faith and doubt are integral parts of their character. The change in their faith and their doubt is interwoven in their character development.
23. If you could forget all of spn, would you watch it again? Why/why not?
Yes. Partly because I only have one brain cell and I share it with a friend of mine, partly because, despite everything, Supernatural has brought me a lot of joy at points in my life where I have had very little of it.
3. TFW: Sam, Dean, or Cas stan? I wanna hear your dissertation :)
I am a bitter Sam fan since (at latest) June 2015 (at earliest, mid 2014) and I will not apologise. I actually had to take a break after season 10 because seasons 6 to 10 made me so mad!! I couldn't do it anymore!Ā
Quick explanation for this is because I relate to Sam a lot and am also an eldest sibling, which means I can both project onto Sam and feel ridiculously affectionate towards him. 13yo me saw this 22yo and thought, is anyone gonna love this? and didnāt wait for an answer.
Long explanation below the cut.
Sam is my fave for a great deal many reasons but I'll try to summarise it in three points:
Excellent narrative
Relatable character
Wonderful to watch
1. Narrative
Sam has the most compelling storyline and character arcs of anyone in Supernatural. His storylines are compelling, multifaceted, and incredibly interesting to analyse. Ā Finding evidence for this can be easily done through the following steps:
watch the show
Sam is a story of someone who has responded to intense trauma due to circumstances beyond his control by choosing to be kind and compassionate. This is someone who has been told by everyone he knows that he is a monster not worth saving, and took that and turned it into a determination to make sure that nobody would ever feel that way again. In the earlier seasons, Sam defines himself by his anger while others define him by preconceived notions about his character. And he spends his entire life proving everyone, including himself, wrong. That he can be defined by his actions, rather than what he is or what people think of him. This is not only the best but also the only consistent narrative theme, which is very powerful of him.
He is a story of someone struggling to maintain his autonomy in a world that is determined to take it from him, and with that autonomy he decides to better the world around him. Interwoven in his character is the belief that your actions define who you are. And it isn't something that is easy for him to believe! It's a choice that he makes, sometimes rather desperately, that defines him just as much as any other choice. Which is why it's also SO interesting that Sam's autonomy is so frequently violated - because he believes that his actions define who he is, but so often his choices arenāt respected and he isn't the one in control of his actions.
2. Projection
All the above things are excellent reasons for why Sam is a good comfort character. Not actually because he's having a terrible time. But conceptually, he is strongly tied to the ideas that
people might say you are inherently bad, but they are incorrect
sometimes terrible stuff happens to you and that's not your fault
(this one only works if you love sam like I do) you can struggle with mental illness and still be loved
which are very comforting ideas. I feel comforted.
Furthermore, Sam is specifically a very comforting character for people who are queer, have siblings, and/or are religious. As a queer person, I'd like to point out that Sam is an excellent queer allegory. Ā Being told you're inherently wrong because of who you are and internalising it because the people you care about have said it? Being ostracised by your family because your fundamental character is different to what they planned for you? Feeling like you can't be honest with the people around you because if they knew who you really were, they would think differently of you? Also, he's gender. And apparently his gender on his licence was F on the official website so he has canonical evidence for being trans. He/they Sam. Gender neutral language for his past partners. Samās queer is what Iām getting at
And, importantly for me (and Dean), Sam is the person everyone with eldest daughter syndrome wishes they could be. He was distanced enough from his parental figure that he could cut through the veil of psychological manipulation to see the rotten core of abuse underneath. And he knows it! Early season Sam stands up for himself against his dad (and Dean) time and time again. Mid season Sam stands up for himself against the actual devil. Late season Sam stands up for himself against God himself. I want that for myself. I want to believe in my right to autonomy that strongly.
3. I am Looking
Listen. We all know that Sam and his character development was tossed to the wayside a bit (a lot) after... S7, I would say. But Jared Padalecki has fed us well. Even when Sam has no lines, he still has personality and character and thoughts and feelings and they're right there! on his face! in his whole body! He shows what he's feeling with everything he has, written on every inch of his skin, he responds so vibrantly to everything and it just feels so so real. Sam responds so emotionally and physically to the things that happen around him and it is just. so wonderful to watch. I am just full of affection for this character!!
Also. good to look at. I'm ace and Sam is the closest I have ever come to understanding the allo experience. Thanks for listening.
#boykingsofhell#spn#ask game#answered#brb dropping out of med to get a bachelor degree in supernatural#Anonymous#spn meta#kael.txt
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This pride, I've been thingking about a few things that, well, are kind of fucked up.
Like, we as a community were so ready to label ourselves we've got hundreds of identities, and it kind of makes the community harder to navigate for those who are questioning imo (in my opinion). There's even a flag for questioning, like, we're all queer, but we've sectioned ourselves off in such a way it makes me feel uneasy. Our labels are so specific, and I feel like it has impacted those who are clearly part of the community, but question it because they need to feel like the label is just right. Then again, I understand the joy of finding the right way to express yourself through your label, it's something we all share as people, but look at what enviornment it's created at the same time. Bisexuals saying pans are inheritably biphobic, pan folk saying to be bi is to be enby, or trans, phobic, you've got people saying that men can't call themselves lesbians and people saying that you can't be both bi and gay, and then you hear how bi people fight to not be seen as 'basically gay or straight' but actually bi' and then you see all the transmascs that still have a sort of connection to their agab, and we've brewed so much hate within ourselves and we're excluding ourselves and we're invalidating ourselves. We are a diverse community, and with that comes many different beliefs about the way our community actually is. I can see how someone can be insulted about how someone else interprets gender and sexuality, I can. We have people in the community who's identity means everything to them because finding out that they were queer changed their life for the better and they felt like a real person for the first time and their eyes were opened and they were free, and then other people use those same labels as if it were a choice, an aesthetic, and it can come off as almost disrespectful in a way. It'd be like if someone were cis amab and they just go 'you know, I feel so much like a boy that I'm going to id as a transman, going from man to even more of a man because I feel so comfortable in my agab and it feels right' like you could see how a trans-trans man (afab) would feel invalidated, right? There's the whole thing about diversity and not everyone is going to be the same, but we made labels mean something, we took the slurs that the cishet used for us and said that we would actually define ourselves, but a label means nothing because we don't really use it like a label anymore. People are getting away with thinking aces/aros aren't part of the community because we've made our labels exclusive somehow. We've got he/him lesbian controversy, which I am shocked to see from the one group that wasn't supposed to discriminate based on gender identity. We're no better than the cishets sometimes, being completely honest. Some gays think dating someone trans automatically makes you bi, gay, or straight, completely ignoring their identity. And to be fair, all these people are vastly small compared to the overall supporting group, but they add up, they really do. Don't even get me started on sexist queers. We made our own definitions, then we made them so specific that we can't even support some of our peers cuz we don't know what the fuck their flag means. And don't say we support everyone, it doesn't matter because you know people are always inventing ways to ruin this shit, like pedos/maps beastiality, and fucking cops (copgender exists). We're not even ready to talk about Mogai, I swear to you we are not the all accepting group you think we should be, and we don't have to be. As a community, we don't agree on what it means to be in the community, some of us don't accept queer as a label despite its current popularity, we are kind of fucked up and we have to admit that. I think that we are creating way more labels than we need, and we are separating ourselves and we are hurting each other. Some people think 'if you identify as y you have to be z' and that gets some people so mad, but at the same time, think about it, without some unity within smaller communities, what does their label even mean? We are not respecting each others
spaces, and I think it's because we over label. But what can we do now? Take those labels away? Tell them they can't id as queer because they're doing it wrong? We don't have the guts, or the general understanding of definitions to do that. We're just supposed to be 100 percent accepting of everyone, and it just makes me feel weird to think about this because I get that some people have a weird relationship with their queerness, but we also act as if we need to constantly define it. And then we go and define it, and then people redefine it like 4 times over because it's not good enough, which is, there is supposed to be some diversity in every group, every label, for anything involving people, but too much and too little are problems in their own right. Micro micro micro labels make people divided and feel like they are different from the others when they could have been a more united group, and not enough micro labels means that people feel like they are conforming to one group and don't feel the unity because of the overwhelming differences. I don't think we're balanced is all I'm really trying to say out of this, I don't like our community as is, it's confusing, it's harmful, and it's divided, and I don't have a solution, which makes me even sadder. A lot of our issues within the community is thinking we're different from each other, from my experience. I've been nb since I was probably at least 6, and I came out as bi only 4 years ago, I'm only 18 but I've been here a little while, I've gone through many phases and stages, and some things were just so unnecessary. Too many times I doubted myself because I saw someone else expressing my identity in a way I couldn't relate to at all, made myself question if I was just cis and faking, and it really could have been avoided, I could have had more confidence if my community just had my back. But it doesn't. And so I have to be queer on my own, I have to keep myself to myself because I can't exist in my own community without my identity being questioned by others. We are not the all accepting group we want to be, but we could be if we agreed on literally anything. But we can't cuz we're too busy accepting every idea of queerness, regardless of anything. Anyways, this is just what I was thingking, I probably didn't word everything exactly as I worded it but I just had to get it out my mind and I'm too lazy too proofread, and plus proofreading might cause me to sugarcoat this even further so. This is my stop, I guess.
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[TRANS] Cosmopolitan NovemberĀ ā20 - Wooyoung Interview
The Standard ofĀ āAdult Sexyā - 2PMās Wooyoung
Wooyoung said he doesnāt worry about the image he shows anymore. His expression remained clear as he picked his words firmly.
Ā By COSMOPOLITAN 2020.10.27
It hasnāt been long since youāve been discharged. Even though thereās been a gap in activities, you donāt look like youāve just been discharged when youāre on shows.
It could be because I didnāt worry much about the hiatus. Usually dancers worry that their bodies will grow stiff if they donāt dance for a long time. But I didnāt worry about that. I thought that I would be using my body in the army anyways, and if I were to learn new ways to move, that would become my dance.
How did it feel to stand in front of the camera again?
Right after I got discharged, my first time in front of the camera was for this entertainment program. It was right when My House popularity wave was on the rise, so I had to spin my head (T/N.: sangmo spin) in my military uniform. I wore a real sangmo when I danced, and it actually started spinning. Haha. Back then I feltā¦ I just marvelled at everything like a person who saw a camera for the first time. And my heart still flutters up to this day. I think I returned from the army well. Haha.
The entertainment world trends have changed a lot while you were on hiatus. These days, thereās no formula that says āIf you do this, youāll succeed.ā āTess hyungā is popular among the young, and itās often that we see buried songs skyrocket up the charts because of YouTube algorithms. As someone who experienced it first-hand with āMy House,ā what are your thoughts on it?
Thatās also something that Iāve been wondering about, something I wanted to discuss. Actually, it can be thoroughly confusing. I sometimes think I donāt know what Iām supposed to do [about it]. So, I chose to simply continue doing my thing. Thereās no use to think about whatās right or wrong, or things like āthis is popular now, so Iāve got to do it fast.ā Instead of working on potentially popular music or visual creations, I think itās more important to consistently work on the things I like and the things I can do. Especially these days, when you canāt predict anything.
Ā On the other hand, it seems there are more outlets for entertainment. The music world is fun these days. The audience isnāt enjoying solely the songs and their performances. Their reaction becomes yet another type of content. Even when we look just at the contents about you, there are popular videos like āIntro Master,ā or āSaturi compilation.ā The popular comments under those videos are also interesting. Wooyoung, have you ever looked up contents about yourself?
Since people were so crazy about āMy House,ā Iāve looked up the āMy Houseā compilation edit video for monitoring. Ah! I usually watch the variety shows weād done before. When I watch them, I think āThat was so funny back then; It was really hard back then,ā stuff like that. Haha.
Ā No matter how much the world of the entertainment changes, I think your mind as a musician remains the same.
Thatās right. Just as Iāve mentioned, I donāt get carried along by the wave. Also, (Park) Jinyoung-hyung and Na Hoon-a senior have been in the industry for many years, right? Rather than feeling pressured that I also need to be active for so long, I wish I could naturally work for a long time focusing on the things I like, relying on the will that comes from within.
Ā Is there a song youād like to experience a resurgence in popularity like āMy House?ā
The song āCome Back When You Hear This Songā written by Jinyoung-hyung. The choreography is nice, and the classic outfits that follow the āMy Houseā flow were also good.
āMy Houseā syndrome has to continue. Youāve also mentioned that you want to come back with 2PM as soon as possible, is there an image youāre aiming for?
I donāt really think about how we should release a new album these days. Because if I were to do that, I think I would forget what kind of dance I want to dance, and what kind of music I like. Right now, I spend my time focusing on myself, on what I want to sing, and on the feelings related to dancing.
Ā Itās probably related to your saying on a show that your way of life has become clearer, not too long ago.
I think I have faltered enough. There was a time when I was too busy lashing myself, having forgotten when I really like. I think I donāt need to do that anymore.
Ā The fact that you can say so in your early 30s means that you lived through, felt, and experienced a lot at a young age. 2PM members were with you at that time.
Indeed. I managed to go through it thanks to my members. We often say ālike a fool,ā among us. The members arenāt calculating. I think weāre way past the relationship of work colleagues. So, even if weāre on a hiatus, even on our casual days, weāre still 2PM.
Ā Maybe itās because of your tough concept, but thereās always been the attribute āmasculine beautyā next to 2PM. The perception of masculine beauty has changed over time, so how do you understand masculine beauty yourself?
Itās āa bloke who knows how to live properly.ā What I mean is that you have to be able face yourself and judge yourself accordingly. Sometimes he should be able to say āI canāt do that.ā Actually, back in the day, I was so desperate trying to present myself well that I would hide the things I didnāt know or wasnāt good at. I think being able to acknowledge your questionable qualities is what makes you an admirable person.
Ā Youāre learning a lot about yourself these days. After a recent MBC āI Live Aloneā broadcast, the professional loner Dr. Jang has even become a hot topic. Is there something youāve discovered after living on your own for 8 years?
The less people there are around you, the more you have to come to your senses. The joy of freely living alone is brief. Because when you live alone, itās really easy to grow into irregular weird habits that eventually destroy your body. Living along gives you the time to face yourself. If you use that time well, you attain maturity; if not, the opposite awaits.
Ā I think youāre spending your time with healthy body and mind.
It might sound weird, but in order to do that, Iāve tried out all sorts of stuff. Haha.
Ā Could you give some Dr. Jang health or living alone tips to Cosmo readers?
Puahaha. Itās nothing special, just be sure you have a glass of warm water when you wake up. Donāt drink cold water. If you savour and drink the warm water slowly, you warm up and your insides relax and feel refreshed, like after eating healthy food. The feeling of emptiness disappears, too.
Ā Just like you tried to get rid of yellow stains from your white shirts, is there anything youāre working on now?
Denim. Iām studying the ways to manage jeans and denim jackets without washing out the colour. Haha.
Ā Have you ever thought about how youād like your influence to reach people?
I canāt escape the fact that my actions influence someone in one way or the other. Because I am someone under scrutiny of the public eye. There was a time when I didnāt know better, and I thought that I had to be careful no matter what and hide. Right now, I understand the influence that I have better, and Iām more aware of it. In the future, I want to use that influence properly at the right time.
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Credits:
Freelancer editor: Kim Sohee Photographer: Jung Jieun Stylist: Lee Hanuk Hair: Yang Hyungshim at YangYang Salon Makeup: Kim Doyeon at YangYang Salon
Source: Cosmopolitan WEB
Kor-Eng: Egle0702
#Cosmopolitan#Cosmopolitan Korea#Wooyoung#2PM#Wooyoung Cosmo#Wooyoung Cosmopolitan#Wooyoung interview#translation
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