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intim3ate · 5 years ago

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Kinktober Day 2 - Underwear | Dave/John [Homestuck]

Dave Strider visits John Egbert. John Egbert answers the door in his underwear. Dave Strider makes a bad decision. But that bad decision may actually turn out to be the best decision of his life.

Second Kinktober fic. I... just really like DaveJohn and I guess that never stopped being a thing. It is kinda wild that I’m writing Homestuck in 2019, though.

Writing Dave was really fun. I super got into his rambling.

Fair warning: this was based on a joke I came up with for myself. Dave time travelling to jack off and not get caught? Um, yes pls.

Not a commission, but I’m doing kinktober commissions all month! Info can be found here. Please check it out!

AO3 Link | Commission Info | Patreon | Leave a Tip?

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Sometimes John forgets that Dave isn't straight.

Even after that long, excruciatingly bad talk they’d had years ago, and all the excruciatingly awkward talks and reminders since, John still hasn’t quite gotten a grasp on his best friend’s sexuality. He still tends to think in terms of gay-straight-nothing-in-between, which… isn't exactly ideal most of the time.

Except sometimes it totally is.

Sometimes, John forgetting that Dave is not-a-heterosexual is the greatest blessing a man could ever be cursed with. It means that, on occasion, John would do things without thinking, like change a shirt he spilled his drink all over right in front of Dave, or put an arm around his best friend when he’s really excited about something, or grab his hand to show him something cool, or not care about sharing a bed when they end up having an impromptu sleepover. It’s great because it means Dave can enjoy John going all stupid sexy Egbert on him and perv on his best friend and John won’t even realize. On that front, at least, life is good. Sometimes.

Other times, it’s incredibly inconvenient. Like right now, for instance.

Dave stands outside John's house, hands in his pockets as he waits for the door to swing open and John to smile at him with that adorable buck-toothed grin of his. He hears motion from inside the house, which means John is around and didn’t forget about their hangout plans, but as usual it seems like the goof spent his time dicking around with fake arms and magic chests and shit instead of getting ready.

"Just a minute!" John calls from inside. Dave hears the pounding of feet rushing down the stairs, and then suddenly the telltale click of the doorknob turning..

The door swings open. Dave’s mouth goes dry.

"Hey! Sorry about that,” John says, the smile Dave had so looking forward to seeing going completely unseen due to his eyes being drawn… elsewhere. “I'll just be a sec. Come on in though, make yourself at home!"

Dave doesn't trust his voice not to crack, so he doesn't say anything; he just nods, cool as a cucumber, cool as a corpse six feet under arctic ice, cool as a penguin's ballsack. Wait, do penguins even have those?

Who fucking cares about penguins , Dave thinks to himself as he watches John Egbert run up the stairs completely naked but for the silky pair of hip-snuggling, ass-framing, rump-hugging pair of boxer-briefs he has on.

Fuck.

Dave looks helplessly up the stairs after John, trying in vain to get the image of his best friend's perfect ass (framed by what is quite possibly the sexiest pair of men's underwear Dave has ever seen) out of his mind. Since when does John go for the fancy stuff? Where are his stupidly dorky and distinctly unsexy goofball slime boxers? Have his hot mom's luxurious lifestyle choices finally rubbed off on him?

Oh, god. Did she pick those out for him?

Dave bites down on the inside of his cheek almost hard enough to draw blood in a desperate attempt to distract himself from the mental image of John and Jane trying on underwear together. Jane twirls her finger to tell John to turn around, and he does, and she makes a comment about how they match the bra and panties she has on and no, no, no, bad, do not think about your best friend and his foxy as hell mother half-naked together--

He can't stop it. Sure, he can shut the thought down, but the damage is already done. He's uncomfortably aroused, dick already half-hard and starting to pitch a tent in his jeans. The timing couldn’t be worse; he can still hear John upstairs, moving around, and fuck Dave no stop thinking about his ass swaying in those stupid gorgeous unreasonably sexy boxers--

He's just beginning to debate his options (get the fuck out of here or get the fuck out of here ) when a noise catches his attention. From somewhere next to him a door clicks open; Dave turns to see who else could possibly be in John's house right now, and...

"Oh hell no," he says, the moment he comes face-to-face with himself. " Fuck no. No way. Fuck this, this isn’t happening, I’m not--"

"Sorry man," Other-Dave says. "You know how it is."

No, he doesn’t. “No, I don’t,” Dave insists, but the denial only lasts about half a second. Deep down he really does know exactly how it is. “We swore off time travel for good, remember? When was the last time we even -- or I even, I guess, since obviously you just did it so you could hide in there and, what, jerk off to my -- our -- best friend’s completely delectable ass?” He cuts himself off, catches himself. “No, wait, I mean--”

“God I really did say that then, huh. Rose is right; just can’t stop with these freudian slips, can I, it’s like a freshly-waxed floor all up in here but nobody put out the sign--”

“Just forget about me saying that, okay, because neither of us needs to keep thinking about John’s sexy, I mean, uh, not sexy -- his really really un- sexy ass--”

“Agreed, or it’s gonna be bonertown all over again--”

Dave stops monologuing and stares at his future self like he’d stepped in a particularly gross-looking pile of ecto-slime. “Fuck, dude. I don’t know how either one of us ever could have thought, or will think, the term ‘bonertown’ is cool.”

Future-Dave shrugs. “Hey man, I’m just repeating what I heard myself say an hour ago, cut me some slack.”

“Okay yeah, fair, but my point still stands: after today we’re officially retiring the whole time travel thing, and for real this time, and also the word ‘bonertown’ is officially out of both our vocabulary.”

“Sweet, glad we got that one all figured out.”

“Right.” Dave offers himself a fist-bump and future-him takes him up on it. Their knuckles only just brush when they hear the door open upstairs and the quick, haphazard footsteps of John Egbert on the landing heading for the stairs. “Sorry about that Dave, I’m all good now!” “Shit.” Future-Dave grabs Present-Dave by the shoulders and attempts to shove him into the study. “Don’t let him see you! And, uh…” He glances over his shoulder at John coming down the stairs, and Present-Dave temporarily stops struggling to follow his gaze.

Damn . He swallows thickly, throat suddenly dry again at the sight of John tugging his shirt on over his head as he comes down the stairs. Is that a goddamn treasure trail ?

“Have fun,” Future-Dave says, and with one last shove, Present-Dave tumbles into the bathroom and lands flat on his ass. The door clicks shut in front of him.

Dave rubs his injured rump indignantly, and for a second considers getting up and opening the door, but he stops himself when John begins to speak. “Didn’t mean to make you wait,” he says, voice muffled through the door. “I wasn’t expecting you to get here so early. Guess I just took a little too long in the shower…”

“Ffffffuck,” Dave whispers to himself. He leans against the door and lets the back of his head thump against it, eyes slipping shut as he attempts to take stock of whatever the hell just happened. He can’t, though, because that last little TMI-tidbit forces images of John in the shower jump to his mind totally unbidden.

What could have been taking him so long in the shower? Was he just taking his time washing his hair? Was he shaving? Singing? Or was he just really careful to make sure he washed himself everywhere ?

Dave bites his lip. He considers fighting himself for a second, fighting the thoughts of John lathering up under the water and getting himself nice and soapy just for the suds to slough off his skin and wash away down the drain, but he figures that there’s no point. He’s already here, might as well make use of the time he’s apparently bought himself.

So Dave gives in. He breathes in deeply and lets himself imagine John washing himself, lifting his stupidly toned arms to scrub under them, lowering them and crisscrossing them over his chest to lather them up. He imagines John bending over to scrub his legs, lifting one to make sure he gets the soles of his feet.

Dave imagines he’s watching John do all this from behind so that this way he can get a front-row seat to the beautiful spectacle of John’s perfect ass, but then he changes angles again when John straightens up a bit. Now he watches from the side -- no, the front -- no, three-quarter view -- as John reaches between his legs and lifts his dick to...

No, okay, that’s enough of that, the washcloth is gone and John is just straight-up touching himself. He wraps his hands around the base of his dick with both hands and slowly tugs upward, starting off nice and slow so Dave can get a good look. He bites his lip with his big dumb adorable buck teeth and moves his hands faster, unwilling to be patient with himself when nobody’s around to see him. Well, Dave is around to see him, but in this fantasy, John thinks he’s alone. It feels more natural that way.

Dave doesn’t stop to linger on the thought of how natural it would be for him to be peeping on John’s alone time, but again, it’s his fantasy, so whatever he says goes.

John leans against the shower wall and his breathing comes out heavy. He keeps jerking himself off, faster now, the water easing the slide of his hand (one hand now; the other one is at his neck, squeezing it and massaging it gently because Dave knows that the Heir of Breath has a deliciously ironic asphyxiation fetish). It moves up and down over his dick rapidly; he thumbs at the head on every upstroke, and damn if the way he sighs at that isn’t the hottest thing Dave’s ever not-heard.

John’s probably getting close now. No, Dave decides. He definitely is.

Dave shimmies out of his jeans and swallows a groan at the relief of his dick finally having room to breathe. He cups it in one hand and begins to rub it a little, massage it just like John was in his fantasy, just to get it used to -- oh, no, that feels really good actually, to hell with easing into it. He slips his hand into his boxers and goes right for the head, squeezing it and running his thumb over it, again just like John.

“Yeah,” Dave breathes, imagining it’s John whispering instead. Fantasy-John bites down even harder on his lip to try and muffle his cry when he comes -- no, fuck that, he opens his mouth wide and tosses his head back and groans the sexiest strangled groan Dave can imagine. John comes in his hand, but he keeps on stroking even after he’s done, and Dave wonders if he’s going to go for a second orgasm, but he decides that’s a bit too much for now and skips ahead to the next part.

John is in his bedroom now, clad in nothing but a towel and his glasses. He’s still damp from the shower, hair dripping a little bit as he walks over to his dresser to pick out something to wear. No, fuck the towel; John drops it and stands there completely naked, once again allowing Dave another look at his perfect ass.

“Nice,” Dave mumbles under his breath. He jerks himself a little faster.

Meanwhile, John rummages through his dresser. He’s got a concentrated look on his face, which Dave will freely admit to himself is probably pointless in this scenario, but he really likes the way John’s nose wrinkles and his eyes narrow when he’s focused on something, so it stays. John is a man on a mission, and he will not stop until he’s found what he’s looking for.

A-ha! John says as he pulls out the same pair of gorgeous silk blue boxer-briefs Dave had seen him wearing earlier.

He grins to himself and squeezes a little harder. Now they’re getting to the good stuff.

Dave sucks in a shallow breath through his nose as he watches the John in his imagination put the underwear on. Just like before, it hugs his ass, accentuates the curve of it in all the right ways. And when he turns around, oh . That is a nice little bulge John’s got going on in the front there.

Dave licks his lips. Yeah, he’s pretty sure that’s what he wants now. He pictures himself opening the door to John’s room and entering it, eyes locked on John’s behind his shades.

Dave? John asks. What are you doing here?

I think you know, Dave answers, and it’s so fucking cheesy, but nobody’s here to critique his dialogue, no matter how much he knows Rose would want to and oh god no he stops that train of thought before it can even leave the station.

You were taking too long to get ready, so I thought I’d see what was holding you up , Dave says instead, and yeah, that’s better. He walks forward to meet John and reaches out to touch his hips, sliding his hands over them. He makes no move to hide how openly he’s staring at John’s dick. In fact, he makes it even more obvious: Dave licks his lips, both in his fantasy and in real life.

Right, I forgot how impatient you could be. John’s gaze turns sly; his voice lowers an octave. Well? Are you satisfied, then?

Not even close. Dave leans in and presses his lips to John’s, and John kisses him back hungrily, wrapping his arms around Dave’s shoulders and tangling them in his hair. He pulls his friend close, so close Dave doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to escape. Which is fine; he doesn’t think he wants to.

When John pulls away, his tongue still hangs halfway out of his mouth, a thin line of saliva connecting it to Dave’s. He smirks, eyes half-lidded, and in the real world Dave almost chokes. He claps a hand over his mouth to muffle the noise and jerks himself off faster. Fuck, he could probably get off to that look alone.

But that’s not what he wants. He wants more. Wants it all.

“Fuck me, John Egbert,” Dave says, both aloud and in his dream.

And John does.

John yanks Dave to him by the collar, fisting his fingers in it and pulling hard. He crashes their lips together and pulls Dave down on top of him to straddle his lap, and Dave goes readily, grinding himself down on John’s--

He pauses. Opens his eyes. Thinks for a second and comes to a decision. This isn’t going to feel nearly as good if he doesn’t go all the way, he figures, so Dave shimmies out of his boxers and sits on the floor of the study completely naked from the waist down.

Welp.

He glances at the desk a moment, wondering if he should raid the drawers for lube, but figures there's almost a zero percent chance of there being any and he doesn't want to distract himself from his fantasy for too long anyway, so he pops two fingers into his mouth and sucks on them, imagining instead that they're John's fingers. In his imagination, John leans back on the bed as Dave sucks, pushing his fingers in deeper and deeper, but never forcing them too far. John is considerate, but even his patience has its limits.

Dave pulls his fingers out of his mouth and reaches underneath himself. He takes a deep breath and pushes one finger inside himself, then the other, surprised at how easily they go in despite the poor choice of lubricant. Dave doesn't want to think about how or why he’s so loose already or what that says about him, so he doesn't.

He returns to his fantasy. Now he's sitting on John's lap, impaled on his best friend’s thick, wet cock. John is still wearing the underwear, but he's slid it down enough he could pull his dick free over the waistband. It can't be comfortable, but it's so, so damn hot. That's John, though: always willing to go the extra mile for a friend.

Is this what you want, Dave? John asks, and Dave nods frantically, a whispered litany of "yes, yes, yes " spilling from his lips as he thrusts his fingers into himself and jacks off faster and harder than he had been before. The John in his daydream laughs.

I don't think it is! he says. I think you want more than that.

"Fuck, Egbert, you're balls deep inside my ass and plowing me like your own personal sex farm, what more could I possibly want?"

John grins and lifts Dave up, grabbing him beneath his thighs and hefting him into the air. He lifts and drops Dave on his cock a few more times for good measure, and Dave clings to him like a lifeline. John giggles -- fucking giggles -- and turns around to throw Dave on the bed. Somehow, he never fully slips out, and Dave is both impressed and on the verge of desperate horny tears at the thought.

Once they're in a more comfortable position, John leans over Dave and brackets him with an arm on each side of his head. Dave looks up at him and is met with what is perhaps the sexiest expression he's ever seen: John, looking like he's half a breath away from losing himself completely, eyes narrow and sweat dripping from his temples, a sultry grin spreading over his lips as he says, Is that better, Dave?

"Fuuuuck yes," Dave hisses. He bucks his hips forward into his hands, thrashes back against his fingers. He's so goddamn close.

Good boy , John says. A shiver and a whimper simultaneously tear through Dave as he realizes that he did not realize how badly he wanted to hear John call him a good boy. His good boy.

Dave takes in deep, ragged breaths through his nose as he imagines John leaning down to kiss him. It's messy -- John would be a sloppy as fuck kisser, Dave just knows it -- but that just makes it better, because it means that when John pulls away Dave can lick his lips and still taste him lingering there.

He can’t stop himself: he moans. “Fuck, John …”

"Huh?"

Dave’s eyes fly open. His hand moves from his dick to his mouth in record time to stop himself making any more noise, because that was John Egbert’s real, actual voice . All the white noise from the other room pauses; Dave hadn't even realized he could hear music playing from the living room until now. “What was that?”

Dave stays silent, waiting. Waiting...

He hears himself answer John through the wall. “Nothing, it's just, uh, y’know…”

He doesn’t hear the no doubt weak-ass excuse his future self gives to cover up for this atrocious blunder, because Dave’s brain is suddenly filled with the full realization that John is, in fact, only one room away from him, which means that if he isn't careful, he could get caught. John could hear him jacking off in the study and come looking for him.

The risk, the daring, the audacity of it all hits Dave like a ton of bricks and, buoyed by the thrill of trying not to get caught, he goes back to jacking himself off. He doesn't bother with that fantasy anymorel he just thinks about John walking in on him from the other room, seeing him with a hand on his dick and two fingers up his ass, and saying You know, if that's what you wanted, you could have just asked...

Dave bites down on his tongue to stop himself crying out as he comes. He doesn't think he's ever come so hard in his life -- not alone, anyway -- and it screams through his body like a banshee, deafening him and whiting out his vision until there's no longer anything left of himself to release.

It takes a while for him to catch his breath, to come back down from his high, but when he does, Dave takes quick stock of himself: he's a mess, sweaty and sticky with cum, his hair all ruffled at the back and his shirt riding up his chest. He doesn't even care, though, because he's just had the best goddamn sex fantasy and solo orgasm of his life, and it was with the target of said fantasy sitting in the next room over, none the wiser.

Yeah. He's going to be jacking it to this memory for a long-ass time.

He tucks that thought away for later and pulls up his sylladex to fetch a clean towel. Dave tidies himself up, recaptchalogues the towel, and pulls out his trusty timetables.

"Didn't think I'd ever be using these again," he mumbles to himself. Then, with a knowing smirk, he spins them and jumps back in time, back to the moment his past self knocks on the door.

"Fuckin' worth it."

#homestuck #davejohn #johndave #john egbert #dave strider #r: e #fanfic #kinktober

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blacknight1230 · 6 years ago

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Queen of Pranks - John Egbert Imagine

Reader (you) is a massive prankster and friends with John Egbert. Since John is also a massive prankster, you two are constantly pranking each other, in an endless pranking war. Today, the you decide enough is enough and have planned your most diabolical prank yet on the so called ‘King of Pranks.’

BTW, this was originally a chapter on one of my stories from my Quotev account, so if you see it on Quotev, it most likely is my original published copy. If you would like to read my full stories on Quotev, here’s a link to my profile containing all my other stories:

https://www.quotev.com/BlackNight1230

Your POV:

You looked at your room. The place was trashed! You knew only one person who would do this. “Egbert!” you shouted. You heard the laugh of the derby kid somewhere in the house. You ran towards the sound of that laugh and saw John Egbert. John has been your best friend for a couple of years now.

You both were pranking gods. John called himself the “King of Pranks.” You called yourself “The Pranking Queen.” But both of you fought on who was the better prankster. It was a constant battle between you to. Today, John tried to prove his worth by trashing your room. You were just going to tackle him, when you fell into one of his traps.

You skidded across the buttered floor and sped towards John. He side stepped out of the way. You fell on your butt and continued to slide. Suddenly, a giant pile of trash appeared. You screamed and slid right into the pile of trash. You were covered in trash and could barely breathe through the stench. John was laughing his head off somewhere nearby.

You got out of the trash and pulled some of it off you. You sniffed your shirt and made a face of disgust. “Damn it, Egbert! Now I smell like a land fill!” you shouted at him. John laughed harder and said, “The Pranking Queen has been defeated. I am now the best prankster!” He did a little victory dance like the derp he was.

“John, I swear you will pay for this,” you threatened, taking your title seriously. You stomped away plotting your revenge. But first, you had to take a shower.

~Later~

After scrubbing yourself till the stench was gone (and your skin was raw) you thought of an awesome plan. That glasses wearing, blue eyed, buck toothed prankster won’t see it coming! Your plan was that you were going to scare the shit out of John! Revenge is sweet, you thought. Then, your plan went into action. You walked downstairs to see John watching one of his crappy movies and eating popcorn. He turned around when he heard your footsteps.

“What took you so long? The movie is half way through,” he whined. “It’s not my fault your prank took forever to clean,” you said. “Which one, your room or yourself?” “Both, Egderp!” you snapped. John chuckled and turned back to the movie. “I still have to clean up your mess,” you said.

“Hurry back before the movie ends!” John shouted as you ran up the stairs. You ran into your room and quickly took out things needed for your plan. You took out the fake blood and a mannequin (borrowed from Kanaya). You put some old clothes and a wig on the mannequin, to make it look like you. You spread some fake blood around the neck and the stomach. You took out a rope and tied it to the ceiling fan. You put the mannequin’s head through the nose.

You also took out a mask and hid in the closet. Taking a remote from your pocket, you pushed the button on it, turning off all the power. “What happened to the lights?” you heard John say from downstairs. You smiled evilly and screamed bloody murder. “(Y/n)!” John yelled. His running footsteps echoed through the house. You heard the door to your room open and then John’s screaming.

“(Y/n)! What happened? Please don’t be dead!” he cried. The mannequin version of you did not reply and then you heard John crying. You felt kind of bad, but he deserved it for pranking you. But you still went through your plan. You opened up the closet slowly and stepped out of it.

You took out a fake knife and put on a scary mask. You walked over to John and tapped him on the shoulder. He quickly turned around and screamed. You pinned him to the ground. He started to cry more. “What did you do to (y/n)!” he screamed. “Don’t worry, you’ll be seeing her soon,” you threatened.

By the way, your mask had a voice changer in it, so John couldn’t tell it was really you underneath the mask. “Now close your eyes.” You lifted the fake blade like you were going to strike. John closed his eyes and whispered something. You caught the words “love you” but not the person’s name. You took off your mask and waited for John to open his eyes. He did after waiting for the pain, but nothing came.

His blue eyes widened when he saw you on him. “(Y/n)?” he said. “You. Have. Been. DEFEATED!” you shouted. You started to laugh, but stopped when John suddenly sat up and hugged you. “John?” you asked. John’s shoulders started to shake; he was crying! You shushed him and started to pet his head. “Don’t do that ever again. I thought I lost you,” he said from your neck. “I’m sorry. I went a little too far on the prank. Don’t worry I’ll never do it again,” you said.

“By the way, you said something like ‘love you’. Mind telling me what that was about?” John wasn’t able to answer you because as soon as you said the last word, John smashed his lips against your own. You were shocked and didn’t kiss back at first. John pulled away after a moment. “I love you,” he said.

You snapped out of your shock and surprised him with a kiss. John went stiff with shock, but eventually kissed you back, a smile on his lips. John wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you deeper into the kiss. You wrapped your arms around his neck and you put your hands in his hair. The kiss was passionate, full of raw emotion, then you both separated for air after a minute. “I love you, too,” you whispered. And that’s how self-entitled 'King of Pranks' and 'The Pranking Queen' got together.

Smut Sequel: http://blacknight1230.tumblr.com/post/178840028003/of-handcuffs-pranks-john-egbert-smut

#john egbert #homestuck john #homestuck imagine #john egbert imagine #john egbert x reader #homestuck john imagine

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landofsomethingsomething · 7 years ago

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ooo how about john trying to pull a prank on roxy but she either catches him in the act or pranks him back since shes been bffsies with jane for years and nothing surprises her anymore

Roxy woke to the sound of her phone buzzing incessantly on the nightstand. Half awake and grumbling to herself, she flipped over onto her back, reached blindly out with one arm, and flopped her hand around like a dying fish until it connected with something hard and square and probably her phone. Somewhere nearby her on the bed, an indignant cat meowed a rebuke, and there was a distinct thud as the jostled animal fled. Roxy called out an apology to the affronted cat and simultaneously unlocked her phone with a quick swipe, held it up before her squinting eyes, and frowned.

One notification, from John. A simple text containing one ominous emoji: 🎭.

So. It was gonna be that kind of day, then.

She didn’t bother to reply, but she did open it up so it’d mark as read on his end. Stew in that one for awhile, Egbert. She tossed her phone beside her on the bed, sat up, and stretched. Let’s do this, she thought, grinning. Another cat peered in from the bedroom door, green eyes blinking slowly. Roxy blinked slowly back.

Phase one was easy; bedroom to bathroom. She kicked off the covers and swung her legs over the bed – and hopped lightly over the waiting tub of sopor slime plunked down on the floor, right where she’d normally be standing. No sweat. She took three steps toward the bathroom, ducked without even bothering to look, and easily cleared a roll of transparent plastic wrap fastened expertly between her vanity mirror and an old wizard clock taller than she was. Her favorite slippers (cats, of course) were discarded on the bathroom floor, kicked off before bed last night, and she bent and picked them up and carefully shook them out one by one.

Nothing. She frowned, quirking an eyebrow. Bullshit.

She felt around the plush soles, and – “Hah!” A telltale square chip, slid into the padding. She fished it out with a finger, shaking her head. “Got you,” she muttered, peering curiously at it. She pressed it between her fingers just to see what it would do.

The answer, apparently, was emit a pressure-trigged garbled tinny mishmash of meowing sounds through a miniscule speaker. Perfect. Laughing, she pocketed the device and continued to the toilet. Seat down. Suspicious. Behind her, a cat pranced into the room, eagerly anticipating its early morning toilet scritches.

She went to one knee. With one hand, she gave the confused kitty the scritches it had come for, and with the other, she lifted the toilet seat, cringing back – but nothing happened. She examined every inch of the porcelain throne and found absolutely nothing, and in fact, was about to just go ahead and do her damn business already, when she thought to check the fucking toilet paper.

Tinfoil. Not a tinfoil covered roll of toilet paper, oh no. Just a goddamn toilet paper shaped roll of tinfoil. She snorted. Went to the cabinet to pull a fresh one out. Found six more tinfoil toilet papers. Muttered a few choice oaths under her breath.

Whatever. Who didn’t piss in the shower every once in awhile? He’d love hearing all about it, next time he was over in the morning. She pulled the tinfoil roll still up by the toilet out a bit and crinkled it, and Mr. Morning Bathroom Scritches happily took the bait, pawing at it.

To the shower. She saw the device on the head plainly – he didn’t even try to hide it. Curious, she turned the water on just to see what would happen.

Pink water shot out. Food dye? Probably. The little bastard had probably filled her hair shit with it, too. It was almost tempting to just use it – who had a problem with pink hair? But the truth was, she didn’t trust John’s choice of dye material. Besides, this shit was meant to turn all of her pink, obviously, not just the hair.

– Actually, she was kind of tempted to just let that happen, too.

Maybe later.

She disabled the food coloring (or whatever) device and took a quick shower – and a long piss – and remembered at the last second to check the towels before yanking one off the rack.

She lifted the edge of one, gingerly.

It stained her fingertips pink.

She laughed.

The towel itself was already pink, of course, that was its natural state… all the easier to hide whatever the fuck this pink powder was all over it. And they were all like that, of course. Naturally.

She stood in front of the mirror and resolved to air dry. It wasn’t that cold, anyway. Nothing in the hairbrush, but the blow dryer had what looked like the dessicated remains of a feather duster shoved up the barrel, so she set that down for another day. She’d make his enterprising ass pick them all out, later. Only fair.

Back out and back under the wall of cellophane, and off to face the wardrobe.

As it turned out, all her clothes were gone. Except her favorite dress. Which also happened to be his favorite dress. Which was a damn good dress, for like, a date. Not that it was horribly indecent – John wasn’t that kind of guy, which was usually charming – it was just, you know. Sequins. Ruffles. Showy.

“I guess,” she said, pulling it off the hanger, “In Egbert land, prank day counts as a special occasion.”

Another cat wound itself around her ankles, purring agreement.

By the time she retrieved her phone, she had three more messages. Two were from John – the same emoji as before, but in greater numbers – and the third was Jane. Roxy opened that one eagerly.

GG: Miss Roxy. GG: Might I inquire why, on this lovely spring morning, all of the clothing in my closet has been joined by what I can only describe as the most Roxy-like attire I have ever seen? TG: i would invite uTG: on this lovely spring morningTG: to ask ur fuckin son about that cause i guarantee you at this point he knows more than me GG: Oh my. GG: Prank day? TG: he was gonna turn me pink janeTG: pink from head to toeTG: pink dye pink powder and also he put a meow speaker in my meowcat slippersTG: might keep that one tbhTG: its p cuteGG: I gather from your phrasing that his dastardly efforts have been thus far unsuccessful. TG: hmmTG: actually not sure if i can trust you on thisGG: Roxy! TG: prank day is kind of an egbert AND crocker thing and u know thisGG: I cannot believe you would accuse me, your best friend, of collaborating with John to turn you pink. TG: the clothes ARE in your wardrobe apparentlyGG: And if I was in on this, why would I tell you so? TG: fuckTG: uhhhTG: idk but im sure theres a reasonTG: plots within plotsTG: wheels within wheelsTG: cats within catsTG: sec i gotta scritch a cat right fuckin nowGG: Of course. GG: Well. Since I am apparently suspect, I shall leave you to face your trials in peace. Please pick up these clothes in at least a halfway timely fashion, if you please. Closet space is an asset to be cherished, thank you very much. TG: pfft TG: u got like 15 closets all to yourself dont give me thatGG: Even so. TG: alright okayTG: if i survive this ill be by later maybeTG: maybe tomorrowTG: depends ;)GG: Not another word. GG: Tomorrow will be fine. Thank you. GG: And remember what I taught you. TG: he aint got me yetGG: Good.

She pocketed her phone, checked her shoes five times for hidden gimmicks, found nothing, and sidestepped three buckets of glitter assembled above three separate doorways on her way out. He’d be cleaning all that up later, too, along with any cats who happened to inadvertently roll around in the glitter piles.

… After she took pictures.

The front door seemed strangely bereft of mischievous devices, and having found nothing, it was with some trepidation that she turned the knob and pushed the door open, squinting out into the daylight.

A series of loud pops and flashes nearly blinded her, as apparently an entire newsroom’s worth of photographers got to work snapping pictures. She recovered herself quickly – of course she did – and turned the arm she’d thrown up over her eyes into a dramatic wave, instead, swaying her hips as she descended the steps. The effect, she thought, was only magnified by the entourage of bounding cats spilling out around her.

“Are you serious!” John’s voice in the crowd, and then John himself, hovering up above it, arms crossed. “Not a single one?”

She waved her phone at him. “Not a one, and Janey’s already spilled the beans on where the clothes are, so you don’t even get to lord that one over me this time around.”

The cameras weren’t stopping – probably because the two of them were famous gods and the tabloids fuckin’ loved them, but whatever. She leapt up into the air and lunged after John, who made a not very sincere attempt to lunge away, only to be yanked back by Roxy’s fist bunched up in the back of his shirt. She spun him around in the air, laughing.

“What’s with all the pink, anyhow?” She elbowed him, and he caught her arm, trapping it in his. “First Jake with the blue, now you with the pink, is this kinda fetish a genetic thing I should know about?”

He wrinkled his nose – it was fucking adorable, actually – and stuck his tongue out at her. “It’s not like that,” he insisted. He was lifting her higher, high enough that the sound of the cameras was fading off into nothing. The boy did love to fly. She followed him up, smirking. “I was trying to pick something obnoxious, that you would hate, but also that you would secretly kind of like.”

“Pink kinda is my color,” she conceded.

“Exactly!”

“I liked the slippers.” She slipped the chip out of her pocket, holding it up. John laughed.

“Dirk made that just for you,” he said. “He said you’d find it, though. Guess he was right.”

She pressed the panel down and the tiny speaker erupted in heavily compressed meow-sounds, mingling with the wind. They were far, far up, now, with damp little wispy cloud trails swirling around them. “Hells of cute,” she said, waving it under his nose. He laughed and slipped an arm around her and shot up through the clouds, pulling her with him. It should have been cold up here, especially in the damn dress she was wearing, but godhood came with a number of pretty good perks.

“Tell you what,” she said, grinning, and he looked back at her curiously, eyebrows shooting up. “One day I’m gonna get you so good, you never try any of this prank day shit on me again.”

He scoffed at her. “Yeah right. That’s what they all say.”

She stopped cold in the air, and he drifted to a stop a few seconds later, looking down at her, hands on his hips. Curls of cloud stuff danced between them. Roxy grinned devlishly at him, darted forward, and –

“Hey!” John gasped, as she shot past and grabbed his legs, turning him over in the air. He reached up to grab her, missed, and she worked his shoes off with ease. “Knock it off!” He kicked at her, socked feet far too slow to actually connect, and she laughed a wild laugh and shoved him forward, somersaulting him in the air. “This is not a prank!” he insisted, righting himself and huffing at her, cheeks red. “It doesn’t count! Give me back those shoes.”

“Not a chance,” she said, sweetly, dropping them. He gasped, and predicably, he dove for them. Simultaneously, Roxy dove for him.

She caught him by the waistband as he went darting by, and momentum did the rest. He made an absolutely hilarious yelping sound, gave up on catching his shoes, and spun upward to witness her hovering above him, waving his pants in one hand like a flag.

“Roxy!” He shouted, flushing crimson. “Give those back, come on! This is not how pranking works!”

“Says you,” Roxy said, blowing him a kiss. “See you later! And remember: I love you very much.”

“Roxy, wait –”

He shot for her, but she was already gone, pants in hand, in a rush of wind and void. She laughed uproariously as the blue and white folded around her and changed abruptly to starry black.

Sucker.

#roxy lalonde #john egbert #jane crocker #roxygen #johnroxy #text #asks #op #Anonymous #ficlet

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namestaybutfriendscallmetrash · 8 years ago

Text

Parks and Wrecks

Fic #2 of the day for @davekatweek 2017 Day 5 Prompt "Leave it up to Fate"

The prompt I used in in the link below, and okay maybe it wasn't exactly random but that's still okay right? Right?

http://otpprompts.tumblr.com/post/158049080336/person-a-is-super-sad-and-its-super-late-so-they

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Category: M/M

Fandom: Homestuck

Relationship: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas

Characters: Dave Strider, Rose Lalonde, Karkat Vantas, Roxy Lalonde (Mentioned), Gamzee Makara (Mentioned), Kanaya Maryam (Mentioned), John Egbert (Mentioned)

Additional Tags: Tumblr Prompt, Davekat Week 2017, Day 5, "Leave it up to Fate" Day, hardly any romance but whatever right, alternately titled "Taylor has a problem and can't stop writing pesterlogs because they're pretty", tw for:, abuse mention, Mental Illness, (unspecified)

Read it on Ao3 through the link below or under the cut :)

http://archiveofourown.org/works/11769885

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: rose TG: heu rose TG: whre are you rigght now TG: rpse TG: rose TT: Dear gods Dave are you drunk? It's nearly midnight! TT: What do you want? TG: i need yu to comr gett me TG: quicjly if posssivle TT: What? Where are you? TT: And what's going on? TG: th park TG: itss hapenng again TG: pleaase help m TT: What park? TG: cannt read the sing TG: fuck i cn hardlt see TT: I need to know where it is if I'm coming to get you. TG: h sometingg TG: maybe higglans TG: highlad TT: Highland? TG: plese come egt me0 TG: m freakin the fuccout TT: I'm on my way, just sit down and wait for me.

You shut your phone off and shove it in your pocket with shaky hands and try to remember what your psychiatrist told you to do about these attacks. Deep breaths, silence, stress ball, vitamin d? You have no idea, and it's making it worse.

You all but throwing yourself onto the bench beside you, the only one free of the influence of any streetlight.

All it took was a stroll along the side if the road, a piece of gravel kicked into a street sign, a distinctive clang of metal, and it all hit you like a damn semi.

Swords, swords, why did everything sound like swords? And why did the sound make you shake, make your scars tingle?

You pull your legs up onto the edge of the bench and wrap your arms around them tightly, shutting your eyes to block out what little light the nearest streetlight throws and wait for your sister.

...

Eventually you hear tires on gravel, and when you take your hands away from your face you hand see headlights nearby.

You sit upright immediately and stare at the black sedan, which has now stopped in the parking lot hardly 60 feet away from you. A short, dark dressed figure gets out of the driver's seat and you stand.

“R-Rose?” You call, and it turns to look at you.

You're running before she has a chance to answer, bridging the gap between you in seconds and all you hear is a startled yelp as you cling onto her like a toddler that lost their mom in the supermarket.

“Rose thank fuck you're….” a lot less curvy than last time and also have no boobs…?

You look up at not Rose's extremely confused and slightly alarmed face.

“Shit, shit,” You pull off the visibly uncomfortable stranger, face going even whiter than usual.

Not literally though. You're albino so it's more like a figure of speech in your case.

“I'm sorry, you're not Rose, shit,”

“Yeah, no. Sorry?”

“God damn it, I'm, no, shit,”

You shove your violently trembling hands in your pockets and turn away from the guy because it's getting worse even faster now, and you really don't want anyone to see you like this, not even a stranger.

Speaking of stranger, you hear a cautious sounding footstep behind you.

“Hey, um, are you, like, okay?”

You don't turn around, just nod your head.

“Y-yeah, just… looking for someone.”

Good one, Strider.

The guy behind you seems to shuffle in place like he wants to say something, but he doesn't. That's probably for the best, he's got one of those voices that can't be quiet and quite frankly you can't handle that right now.

You back over to the dark bench and sit down again, trying and failing to control the shaking in your shoulders. You look over at the guy and he's staring, but once he realized you can see him he turns back to his car.

“Where the hell are you Rose…” you mutter under your breath as you put your head between your knees. You wish you hadn't gone out tonight, and you really wish you hadn't turned down John's offer to drive you home. ‘It's cool bro I'm only a 10 minute walk that way, save your gas’ was, in hindsight, not your best decision tonight.

Judging by the fact that someone just sat down beside you and cautiously placed a hand on your arm, smother hugging someone before you were sure they were Rose is pretty high up there on tonight's regret scale, too.

“Hi, so I know you said you were fine, but I kinda think that's bullshit and I'd be an ass to leave you here alone, so…”

He trails off, and you have to look up and make sure it's that same guy because that same grating voice just got really soft somehow.

He half smiles at you nervously when you turn your head enough to look at him out of your left eye, and you sigh shakily.

“Thanks, but I really am fine. I'll be back to my usual cool self in no time, I'm just down a bit right now, you know like, uh, shit I don't know, just whatever.”

You really wish your voice didn't sound like you were on the edge of tears. It doesn't help that you're on the edge of tears, wait what the hell why are you crying now?

“Fuck off, I'm not leaving until someone shows up to take you home.”

You tuck your head back between your legs and you feel hot tears begin to run down your cheeks.

“So who's Rose? Girlfriend? Oh, or ex maybe? Shit, sorry-”

“Sister. Rose is my sister.”

“Oh.”

You'd laugh at the total ass he's making of himself right now if you weren't in the middle of having a mental breakdown. Thanks a lot past traumas.

“Does she know you're here? I can call her to come get you, or something, if you want…”

“Yeah. She's coming.”

You don't know when he took his hand off you but you know he did when he shuffles awkwardly beside you, then goes silent for a minute or so. His voice cuts in just when you had almost convinced yourself you were home and it was Rose beside you.

“I, uh, I'm sorry if me being here is stressing you out or something… I can leave if you want.”

You don't say anything.

“It's just that I used to have a friend who would do this all the time, I mean break down alone at night, he usually came to this park too.”

You think he's balling his fists in his lap by the way you can hear skin and fabric brushing together.

“That stupid kid, he'd just drag himself here and wait for me to come get him, balled up under the slide and spouting nonsense at no one. I wish he'd have fucking realized he wasn't… Nevermind. He doesn't matter anymore.”

You actually kinda want to see where that story was going, but you're finally moving into the exhaustion stage of your little fit. Your eyes still sting from the tears that stopped not long ago and your eyelids desperately want to cover them. You think maybe you shouldn't let that happen, you don't want to add ‘falling asleep in a public park’ to the list of stupid shit you've done tonight.

You sit up, but let your head hang lazily in front of you. You make no effort to move it when you speak, either.

“He wasn't what.” You sound half dead, and you hope his voice can keep you from flatlining.

“He… he thought he would be fine if he just waited for me there every night. He'd get high out of his fucking mind, wander the streets in a stupor then come here when he started to feel bad again and wait for me. I'd find him passed out, crying, biting his fingers, pissing himself, you name it. But…”

He gulped.

“I'm not a doctor. I couldn't help him with the after effects or the mental problems he was trying to escape. He wasn't safe like he thought he was.”

This time the silence was worse. You peer at him through your left eye again, and he's staring off into the pitch black sky.

“You okay man.”

He looks at you suddenly like he didn't know you were there before scowling and turning his head away.

“Me?”

He's gone back to the loud voice, but you don't really mind at this point.

“When the fuck did this turn into my therapy session? You're the one who tackled me in the parking lot in search of your surely more stable sister.”

You snort with as much humor as you can muster, which is none.

“Hey how about instead of talking about my fuck ups you tell me why I was assaulted today?”

You turn your head back down with uncertainty. As much as you usually love spewing your personal life at people, you feel kind of weird about talking to a stranger about this part. Apparently the guy could tell, because when he speaks, his voice seems kind of panicked.

“Fuck, sorry, you don't have to say anything, you don't even know me-”

“I'm not good at change.”

You don't really know why you said it. It's true, you guess, but it's not really the root of the problem.

“I'm 22 years old and I just moved in with my Mom, for the first time. It's… Really different than what I'm used to.”

You yawn, and slouch a little further down on the bench. You think maybe it should be Rose you're retelling this story to again, not whoever this poor guy is, but she's not here and he is. Too bad it's not a couch like you're used to.

“It's so nice, so much better than before. Before was… Really bad. But I didn't know how bad it was until I had something good. Does that make sense…?”

You look to your left fully for a response this time. The guy nods, his fluffy hair nodding with him.

“You don't know what you have until it's gone, but… worse.”

You face forwards again.

“Exactly. And now that he’s- it's gone, I'm learning that my brain got just as fucked up as my body did.”

“I'm really sorry to hear that… uhm…”

His voice was soft again, and you turned your head so see him staring awkwardly at you, his dark eyes peering out at you nervously from the mess of coarse black hair that hung around his face.

“Dave. Strider.”

He looked away, clearly embarrassed that he hadn't asked sooner.

“Thanks. Oh, and I'm Karkat by the way.”

You stretch your legs out in front of you, which you're starting to be able to feel normally again.

“Nice to meet you Mr.Karkat, and welcome to Dave's mental trauma- the only talk show where literally no one wants to be there.”

The guy- Karkat- chuckles a little bit, then sighs.

The two of you sit for a few minutes which seems to translate to ‘an uncomfortable amount of time’ for Karkat beside you, because he's fidgeting and keeps opening his mouth like he wants to say something but quickly turns away any time you start to turn your head towards him.

You guess about five minutes total have passed when you get up and stretch, about ready to start walking home. You're about to turn around and say bye or something when he finally speaks up.

“So, Dave…”

You make a short “Hm?” and half turn to see him on his feet as well, standing a surprising foot shorter than you- how did you think he was taller when you were sitting beside him?

“Do you need a ride home? Because I've got my car here, and I'm not busy... or whatever.”

You decide not to take any chances this time.

“Sure, thanks man. Here, give me your number and I'll text you my address so you can put it on maps or whatever.”

He complies, and you send the message before following him back to his car and getting in the passenger's side.

You hear him start up the car and mess around on his phone for a minute, then he pauses before shifting gears.

“Wait, you're like three blocks from here- couldn't you have just told me the way to your place?”

You don't answer, and instead keep your head rested against the door and your eyes closed.

The car starts backing up and you smirk as you hear an exasperated “Asshole,” from the driver.

…

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Dave where are you, I'm at the park on Highland like you said. TT: Hello? turntechGodhead [TG] is an idle chum

TT: Come on, don't worry me like that then stop answering me. TT: Dave if you don't answer I'm calling Kanaya to come help me find you. TG: oh hey rose TG: wait did I say highland TG: i meant henson TT: That's half an hour from here, are you serious? TG: sorry TT: Whatever, do you still need me to come get you? Or are you fine now? TG: im fine just talked to some guy who showed up instead TG: he drove me back to mom's place too by the way TG: and don't worry about hunting him down like some deranged stalker bent on thanking people for me, I gave him my number so we're cool TT: That's great to hear, TT: Leave it to you to hit on a stranger after dumping your feelings on him. TG: im the king of getting ass, and not even a panic attack can slow me down TG: you know how it is/span> TT: Yes Dave, of course. tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

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transformationstuck · 8 years ago

Note

[1] Karkat wants to me matesprits with John, but unfortunately, John is Not A Homosexual^TM. After doing some research on human sexuality and discovering the definition of being straight is “being attracted to the opposite sex”, Karkat comes up with the idea of having John turn into a girl. With that definition, that would mean John would then be attracted to boys, and thus Karkat would have a chance.

(Disclaimer: I don’tactually think Karkat would do that to someone (IMO they’d do it the other wayaround, i.e. Karkat into a girl), but this is what the prompt asked for, sow/e. Also, ask is truncated from the original to avoid spoilers.)

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you have a problem; one JohnEgbert. Stupid, sexy John Egbert. Ever since the humans had met up with whattrolls remained, you’ve been unable to get the human boy off your mind. You’vecaught yourself staring at him whenever he entered a room, and been caughtdoing so multiple times. Finally, after about a perigee of this, Johnconfronted you about it.

“Karkat, I’m flattered, really!” he’d said. “But I’m notinterested in boys like that.”

Of course, to your vastly superior troll think pan, genderhad absolutely nothing to do with sexual attraction, so this statement confusedyou. When you’d asked him to clarify, he’d simply sighed and said that he was“not a homosexual”. This, of course, clarified nothing to you, but to John itseemed to be the final word on the matter, so you dropped it.

Later, you started doing some research. You’d booted uphuman Google and started searching, and found that this “homosexual” thing wasa big deal for humans. Apparently they couldn’t reproduce with someone unlessthey were the opposite gender? That just seemed so inefficient to you, but it’ssomething you’re going to have to deal with even if you don’t understand it.

You let the matter drop for some time. You put in aconscious effort to not stare at Egbert’s ass, and were starting to succeed.But then, while you were making some grubtoast, the answer finally hit you.

Heterosexual – a.Sexually attracted to people of the opposite sex.

Of course. It was so simple. If John was a girl, then theopposite sex for her would be males. And you’re a male, so she’d be attractedto you! You can’t believe Past Karkat didn’t think of this already.

Which brings you to the present, where you’re asleep in yourrecuperacoon, scouring the bubbles for a god-tier version of Feferi. You’vebeen searching on-and-off for about two weeks now, and you’ve asked otherghosts to spread the word around, so hopefully one would come out of thewoodwork soon.

As you round a corner, transitioning from rolling desertdunes to the purple spires of Derse, you spot one, hovering in the air, lookingout onto the cityscape below.

“Feferi!” you call out. She turns to face you quizzically,her white, dead eyes meeting yours before a massive grin engulfs her face.

“Crabcatch! Glub glub glub! Hi!” she says in her usualear-piercing, far too excited tone. God, you’d forgotten how loud she is.

“Sweet mother grub’s prolapsed egg chute,” you say, cringingat the noise, “could you be a tiny bit quieter?If I go deaf I’m not gonna be able to hear anything you’re saying!”

“That’s not how hearing works, dummy!” she says, closing inon you.

“Maybe for seadwellers, but holy fuck, my auricular spongeclots are screaming in pain here! And pain is usually a good indicator that youshould stop doing the thing causing it!”

“Alright, fine, sheesh! Don’t be such a coralybaby!” shesays, slightly softer.

You pause, staring up at her unamusedly. “That was a stretchand you damn well know it.”

She shrugs. “What can I say? Force of halibut.”

“Oh my god, do not start with this. Believe it or not thereis a reason I am talking to you right now, and – surprise! - it’s not to exposemyself to your shitty puns!”

Feferi pouts. “But Crabcatch…”

“No buts! I’ve had far too many discussions derailed sincethe humans came here and I’m not about to let this one slide off the tracks aswell!”

She sighs and gently lands on her feet. “Fin. What did youwant to glub about, oh great, no-nonsense, can’t-have-fun leader of ours?”

“Don’t-“ you say, almost immediately, much quieter now.“Don’t call me your leader. I don’t- I don’t deserve that title.”

Feferi tilts her head questioningly. “Why? What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“But-“

“Hey, remember what I said about keeping the locomotivefirmly on the tracks?” you say, returning to full volume. “That still applies!”

“You’re the one who changed the subject!”

“Fine! Consider that diversion firmly halted! Thecontrollers have caught the mistake and the overland railed freight vehicle isback on its normal route!”

“Okay!” Feferi says. And the says nothing else for aboutfive seconds. “You haven’t told me what you wanted to talk about yet.”

You blink, and then introduce your forehead to the palm ofyour hand. They’ve been becoming quite good friends recently. “Right. So. Lifepowers. I need them. Specifically, the genetic mutators.”

“Why?”

“Uh…” you say, stalling while you try and think of a wayto put this.

Feferi apparently knows enough based on the blush creepingonto your cheeks, because she squeals again, shaking her fists back-and-forthexcitedly. “Ooh, it’s a romance thing? Who is it, Crabcatch? Who is it? Tellmeeeeeee!”

You can’t believe you’re that transparent. Maybe you’ll haveto study how Dave keeps his mask up so well. “It’s uh…” you say, hesitantly.“It’s John.”

This time you pre-empt the squeal by sticking your fingersin your sponge clots, but it does little to dampen the high-frequency soundwaves piercing through your skull. “You and John? That’s so adorabubble!” Shepinches your cheek and, on pure instinct, you swat her arm away, unsheathe yourclaws, crouch down and growl at her. She seems unamused. “Wow, someone sure isjumpy!”

Your growl gradually starts to fade as your conscious mindstarts to catch up. “You should know better than to do that. You’re not human,you can’t pull the ignorance card here.”

“Speaking of humans…” she says, raising her eyebrows. “Whydo you need my life powers for seducing John?”

“It’s, well… how much do you know about human sexuality?”

“Ah, I see,” she nods in understanding. “He’s not attractedto guys, is he?”

“I know! What the fuck is with that anyway!”

She shrugs. “If they can only make grubs with the oppositesex, of course there’s a psychological pressure away from attraction to thesame sex.”

“Feferi,” you say, pinching the bridge of your nose.“Rhetorical question.”

“Right, right! But you do know that I can’t just go intopeople’s minds and change how they think, right? That’s very much a Vriskathing to do!”

You shake your head hastily. “No, no, I don’t need that.”

“Then what do you need?”

“Well… if he’s attracted to the opposite sex… what ifyou turned him into a girl?”

Feferi pauses for a moment, and then her eyes light up andher grin somehow gets even wider. “Crabcatch,I like the way you think!”

—————

And thus, Feferi agreed to help you win over John by turninghim into a girl, thereby making him attracted to makes by the definition ofheterosexuality – and thus, hopefully, to you.

Feferi told you that the entire process would take about aweek to complete, but on the first day you’re already spotting some subtledifferences. Him and Dave walk side-by-side chatting quite a lot, and you’vegotten used to how they look together. So it immediately catches your eye whenthey enter the common room and John is half a head shorter than he was evenyesterday. Everyone else notices it too, even Dave – although nobody decides tobring it up. They simply stare for a second or two, before shaking it off astheir eyes deceiving them and going back to whatever it was they were doing.But you know better. You know this is the start of something much, much bigger.

On the second day, John’s clothes don’t quite fit himanymore, and his hair has started to grow out. He’s noticed something’s up bynow, and is nervously starting to question people about it. He probably thinksthat he’s coming down with some strange disease – a thought that’s probablyonly reinforced when midway through taking with Kanaya all of his facial hairfalls out. They both stop and just kind of stare at the hair floating throughthe air, up until Kanaya accidentally breathes some in, causing a coughing fitthat John seems to find very amusing.

On the third day, his clothes fit again. His god-tier outfitis adapting to his changing body – and boy has his body started changing. Hiships are noticeably fuller now, his face has started to round out, and youswear you can see the hint of spheres starting to form. All the humansbasically follow him everywhere now, all of them concerned for the wellbeing oftheir friend. You’re kind of envious of them – how when one of their number isin trouble they all band together to try and solve the problem, comforting eachother with their presence. While they’re around John looks as happy as ever,but as soon as they’re gone you can see the confusion in his eyes. You wishtrolls could catch that human disease called friendship.

On the fourth day, Rose figures out what’s going on. It’skind of hard to miss at this point. John now sports a well-developed set ofspheres – or “breasts” as the humans are calling them – and the fat on his legsis starting to redistribute itself. His arms are getting thinner and his handsare getting smaller – a fact that was highlighted harshly to him when he foundhe could no longer interlace his fingers with Dave’s as he once could.Eventually, Rose breaks the news to him.

“John, I think I know what’s going on.”

“You do?” he says, brightening up. “What is it? Can you stopit?”

“I’m afraid not,” she says. “I wouldn’t know where on earthto begin.”

“Well, knowing is the first step!” John smiles. “What isit?”

“You’re, uh…” Rose pauses, seeming to search for the rightwords before giving up and deciding to be direct. “You’re turning into a girl.”

John looks down at himself – at the orbs on his chest, hisplush rump, and the lack of facial hair, rubbing his chin where his facial hairused to be. “Oh,” he says simply, matter-of-factly, as if he’s not affected bythat revelation at all. He looks back up at Rose sheepishly. “I probablyshould’ve figured that out sooner, huh?”

“To be fair, it’s a completely unprecedented change.”

“Yeah, but it just sounds so obvious now that you’ve saidit!”

“Everything is obvious once you know that it is true.”

You, meanwhile, are surprised at how well John appears tohave taken the news. You’d expected some sort of outburst – maybe shock, maybedisbelief – but no. He seems calm and collected, as if it wasn’t the changesthemselves that were bothering him, but rather the uncertainty as to their originand purpose. You’ve noticed that a lot with humans, actually. Not knowingsomething is the absolute worst thing for them. Even if the answer to aquestion is depressing or harmful , they don’t care; to them, knowing theanswer is better than living in ignorance.

You still haven’t made up your mind as to whether you admirethat about them.

On the fifth day, John seems noticeably happier. His faceseems to have finished shifting and his thighs look a lot more feminine. Hisvoice has changed slightly too – not much, but everyone notices the differenceimmediately; it’s ever-so-slightly higher-pitched than it was yesterday. You,meanwhile, are glad that the changes don’t seem to be affecting who John is asa person. He still eats the same too-salty junk he always has, he still playsand jokes around with everyone, and he even managed to get Jade to slip on abanana peel. Even though Jade caught herself in mid-air, he was still roaringin laughter. The god-tier-assisted chase that resulted was truly a sight tobehold.

On the sixth day, John’s voice seems to have settled.There’s no mistaking him for anything but a woman now – the face, the curves,the voice, everything about him is feminine. The only thing that gives awaythat he used to be anything else is the bulge in his pants, which is still aslarge as it ever was.

Not that you’ve been measuringit or anything. Nope.

You catch him staring at you throughout the day. You knowthe look he’s giving you well – you’ve seen plenty of romance movies where oneof the main characters has the same look at their face. When he catches himselfhe shakes his head side-to-side before furrowing his eyebrows in confusion, shakingit off and going back to whatever it was he was doing, as if what just happenedmeant nothing. But you know. You know he’s checking you out.

Progress.

On the seventh and final day, you struggle to locate the lastchange. You distinctly recall Feferi telling you that it would take all sevendays for every one of the changes to occur, and yet you really cannot see any.Fortunately, Kanaya does. She’s been taking a keen interest in John’s changes,and when you glance over at her, you notice that her gaze is fixated uponJohn’s crotch. You follow her eyes to their target and squint, still not seeinganything different, before you finally realize that the bulge in his pants haschanged shape. Whereas before it was one large ball, now it’s more concentratedinto one shaft. You can still see some extra stuff below it, but it’s very,very small.

And on the eighth day, John Egbert is officially a she.

Or, well, sort of. She still has a bulge in her pants whereher human bulge is, but the shame-globes below it are nowhere to be seen.Instead, the fabric of her (now much more form-fitting) pants is flat againsther skin. You wonder if she actually has a nook down there, or whether it’sjust smooth skin. It’s not like you can just go up and ask her.

You’re still spotting her staring at you, but instead oflooking away sheepishly whenever you catch her, she simply meets your eyes andsmiles at you.

Progress indeed.

—————

You give John space. You don’t want to rush this – not justbecause that would be incredibly suspicious, but because you’re not sure howcomfortable John is with her new attraction to males. You may not understandthe whole gender-attraction thing, but you know enough about people to know that she needs time tosort out her thoughts.

And so you give her time. You don’t make any advances onher, no matter how much you may want to. You don’t cut her off entirely,though. You still watch movies with her and get into grubcorn fights about therelative merits of troll and human cinema. You still feed each other food fromyour respective planets, to varying degrees of success. And you still try towrestle her when she uses the windy thing to beat you at video games.

Over the weeks she’s started experimenting with her expandedwardrobe options, much to Kanaya’s delight. The first time she showed up in thecommon room wearing a skirt and leggings she looked so awkward, as if sheperpetually wanted to evaporate into the air and abscond far away. But overtime she got more confident, and now you don’t notice any difference in herbehavior between when she’s wearing pants and when she’s not. One time you evensaw her in a complete dress. Kanaya’s been helping her with that, and while youstill don’t understand the point of fashion, even you can admit that some ofthe outfits she’s created for John have been, well, beautiful. They’re notplain, and they’re not overly revealing. Instead, they seem to amplify John’snatural beauty, and you have no idea how Kanaya’s accomplished it.

Shenanigans, probably. That’s what is always comes down to.

—————

It’s about a perigee-and-a-half after John’s changefinished, and you’re walking up to her room. It’s movie night, and you’ve got atreat for her – troll Con Air, one of the only Alternian films with a concisetitle. You, of course, despise the film and everything it stands for, butyou’re willing to make concessions in this case, because you’ve decided tostart making your move. You’ve waited long enough – you want her as yourmatesprit, and that won’t happen unless you act.

But as you move up to knock on her door you hear a gasp fromwithin her room, and your fist freezes in mid-air.

Was that…?

And then it happens again, louder this time.

Yep. John’s getting off in there.

Part of you wants to creep away and go back to your room –for obvious reasons – but another, more vocal part of you wants you to stay.You’ve fantasized about John making those noises for you for so long, and nowhere she is, just a door and some thin drywall away from you, moaning her heartout.

Fuck it. This probably makes you the most despicable beingin paradox space, but god damn, you can’t bring yourself to move away. Insteadyou very, very quietly lay down on the floor and peek under the door, hoping toget some visuals to accompany the incredibly sexy audio track.

But when you peek under the doorframe, your blood-pushercatches in your throat.

She’s not masturbating at all. She’s having sex.

And she’s having sex with Dave.

They’re sitting on the floor, cross-legged, naked, andfacing each other. John has Dave’s cock in her grip, and Dave has John’snoticeably smoother cock in his. With every pump, John moans out her pleasureloudly, whispering Dave’s name every now and then. Dave’s less vocal, but youcan tell from the grunts and the blush on his face he’s feeling just as good asJohn is. They lean in and lock lips, their free arms wrapping around each otheras they continue to pump each other, John’s moans growing louder and louderbefore she pulls back, releasing Dave’s cock.

“Ah… ah…” she pants, her breasts heaving up and down.

“Why’d you stop?” Dave asks, leaning back towards John.

“I- I want-“ John gets out between pants. “I want you tofuck me, Dave.”

Dave blinks. “Well shit, why didn’t you just say so?”

John smiles at him, and you know that smile. You’ve seen iton the screen many times. It’s the same smile you’d hoped John would direct atyou one day.

It’s a smile of pure, unfiltered love.

John rolls over onto her front, sticking her ass in the airand presenting it to Dave. Her cock hangs down between her legs and you finallyget confirmation that yes, John does in fact have both sets down there. Hernook is wet and open, ready to accept a cock – Dave’s cock.

Dave shuffles up to her on his knees and puts his hand onone of John’s asscheeks.

“You ready?”

“Mmn, yes. Fuck me, Dave.”

Dave sticks his bulge into John’s nook, and you can’t bareto look any longer.

You crawl away slowly, moving just out of earshot before youget up and run at full-speed back to your room. You lock the door behind youbefore you collapse onto the floor, screaming into your sweater as candy-redtears start rolling down your face.

The search, the change, the patience. It was all fornothing. John was with Dave. She was with Dave, and not you.

Apparently Kanaya heard your wails through the walls,because she’s somehow managed to lockpick your door and is hugging you, restingyour head on her shoulder and rubbing your back soothingly as you let out yoursorrow.

You start to fall asleep cradled in her arms, her soft handsand smooth voice soothing you the entire time.

You’ve missed your chance. She’s with Dave. She’s not with you.

And maybe, you think as you start to drift off; maybe that’swhat you deserve. Maybe you should never have meddled to begin with. Maybe youshould have just left her as a boy and accepted that he just wasn’t interestedin you.

Yup. You are unequivocally the most miserable excuse for atroll in all of paradox space.

You fall asleep in Kanaya’s arms, her hands running throughyour hair, and you have no more tears left to shed.

—————

You’ve started avoiding people. You only ever leave yourroom to grab food, water, or relieve yourself. You turn off Trollian and removeit from your husktop’s auto-start list. Whenever you encounter someone, you tryand extricate yourself as soon as you can. The only person you’ve been seeing thesepast few weeks has been Kanaya, and even then that’s purely because you can’tlock her out. You’ve contemplated upgrading the security on your door, butknowing her she’d just chainsaw her way in anyway.

She’s been trying so, so hard to get you to open up to her.You don’t want to tell her – you don’t want to tell anyone – but she makes it so hard not to. Kanaya is one determined troll, and once she sets her mindto something she doesn’t stray from that path.

It’s one of the many things you admire about her. You wishyou were as good a person as she is.

One day, she’s come over to watch a romance movie with you.She doesn’t particularly enjoy them herself, but she knows that they bring outthe old Karkat – the loud Karkat who will make damn sure that everyone knowswhat he’s thinking – so she puts up with them, for your sake.

You don’t deserve someone like her.

About seven minutes in and halfway through the title, shedoes something that makes you freeze up. She wraps one of her arms around yourshoulders and pulls you towards her, causing your head to rest upon one of herspheres.

And it’s- it’s too much. She reaches down and startsstroking your cheek, shooshing you,and you can’t take it anymore.

“I fucked up,” you say, voice muffled by Kanaya’s body. “Ifucked up someone’s whole life, just because I couldn’t take no for an answer.”

Kanaya doesn’t say anything – she just keeps stroking you,and pulls you in closer.

“I just- I really love John. I can’t- it’s the strongestfeeling I’ve ever felt,” you continue, “and when he told me that he- he didn’tfeel the same way, just because of some stupidhuman gender thing, I-” you choke up, and Kanaya’s thumb brushes up on yourcheekbone. “I had the absolutely fuckingstupid idea that hey, if John isn’t attracted to me because he’s male, then what if he was female?”

Kanaya pauses, and then sighs. “Oh, Karkat…”

“I know, alright!I know! I know…”

“Shhhhh…” she says, resuming her stroking.

“And it-“ you sob, “it didn’t even fucking work! I completely screwed with hislife, changed him into- into her, andshe’s with Dave. Not me. Dave.” You bury your face deep into Kanaya’s sphere.“It was- I can’t- I’m the most despicable being in all of paradox space.”

Unable to keep stroking your face, Kanaya switches torunning a hand through your hair, occasionally rubbing a horn, while anotherhand stokes down your back.

You start crying, no doubt staining Kanaya’s shirt red, andshe just keeps shooshing you, her chest thrumming with resonant frequencies andgradually calming you down.

“It seems to me,” she says, after the tears have sloweddown, “that this is something you should really speak to John about.”

“I know!” youyell, frustrated. “Do you not think I fucking know that? I just- I just can’t-”

“Why not?” she asks, and that simple question stumps you fora moment.

After some thought, you reply “Because she’ll hate me.”

“You don’t know that for sure.”

“No, but I can be pretty fucking confident of it.”

She sighs, clearly frustrated with you. “Okay, think aboutit like this. How many times have you talked to John since you isolatedyourself?”

“None,” you reply honestly.

“And how much time are you likely to spend with her if shedoes in fact hate you?”

“Still none.”

“But, how much time will you spend together if she doesn’t hate you?”

You pause and consider the question. “… More than none?” youventure.

“Exactly.” She pats your head. “Go talk to her. It literallycannot get any worse than it is now, and by opening up to her, it may well getbetter.”

… She’s right. Of course she’s right; she’s Kanaya, for god’s sake. But… “I don’t know if I can.”

“Well, you’ll never know unless you try.”

You take a deep breath in and relax into Kanaya’s touch,starting to chirr in response to her. All you need to do is get up, walk downthe halls, and talk to John. It’s nowhere near the most difficult thing you’vedone in your short, pathetic life.

Nevertheless, extracting yourself from Kanaya’s embracecertainly feels like it.

When you look up at her face, she’s smiling warmly down atyou. “Go,” she says.

And after hugging her one last time, you do.

—————

As it turns out, John’s not in her room. Of course sheisn’t; that would be far too easy.

You checked that nobody was in the nearby bathroom, and thenheaded for the common room. There’s literally nowhere else anyone hangs outexcept their rooms and there; but when you enter it, you find she’s not thereeither.

You do find Rose, though, who looks up from her book in mildsurprise. “Karkat?”

“Rose,” you reply succinctly.

“I take it Kanaya got through to you, then?” she says,dog-earing her page and putting the book down.

You’re caught off-guard by that, but after a moment’s pauseyou decide that it makes sense that her matesprit knows she’s been seeing you.“… Something like that,” you say, rubbing the back of your neck. “I’m lookingfor John.”

Rose’s eyes flash orange for a second, before understandingspreads across her face. “I… see. She’s on the roof.”

“Thanks,” you say, starting to backpedal out.

Rose interrupts your abscond. “And Karkat: if John doesn’tforgive you, then you will be subject to the full extent of my wrath.” Hervoice is harsh, dangerous, and leaves you rooted in place from a primal fearyou can’t shake off. “And as any of the other humans can tell you, when I getmad, people tend to get impaled with black tentacles emanating from themonstrosities in the Furthest Ring.”

You stand stock-still in the common room doorway, afraid ofthe black fire behind her eyes that you’re not entirely certain is merely ahallucination.

“Just keep that in mind,” she says, suddenly casual again asshe picks up her book and resumes reading.

You tiptoe very carefully out the door, and then turn andsprint away.

—————

After you ascend a frankly fucking ludicrous number ofstairs, you make it out onto the roof of the meteor. John’s here, just likeRose said. She’s alone, wearing her standard god tier get-up, lying down andstaring up at the inky blackness above you. You start walking towards her, takingstep after step, and her eyes dart down to check who’s approaching her. Whenshe sees it’s you, she immediately summons the windy thing to push herself upto her feet and starts running towards you.

“Karkat!” she says brightly, a smile creeping across herface and into her (beautiful, azure-blue) eyes. You barely have time to braceyourself before Egbert’s wrapped you up in a tight hug, pressing her head intoyour shoulder.

“Uh… hi,” you say, shocked at the reception you’rereceiving.

“I missed you!” she says, whining.

“John,” you say, pushing at her, trying to get her to letgo. “John, we need to talk.”

She takes the hint and pulls away from you, furrowing hereyebrows quizzically. “… What kind of talk?” she asks.

“The one where we discuss monumentally bad decisions thatI’ve made.”

“Dude, if this is about disappearing for a few weeks, that’sfine!” she says, holding up both her hands in an acquiescent gesture. “If youneed some alone time, I get that! People can be overwhelming.”

“It’s not that,” you say, sitting down on the floor andgesturing for her to do the same.

“Well then what is it?” she asks, following your lead andsitting down opposite you.

You take a deep breath and close your eyes. This is it. Thepivotal moment.

…

Oh god you’re scared shitless.

“… Karkat?” John asks after several seconds of awkwardsilence.

You release the breath you’ve been holding and bury yourface in your hands. “It’s my fault.”

“… What’s ‘it’?” she asks.

You wave your hand in her general direction. “What you are!”

“Karkat, I know that!” she says, and you look up at her inshock. “Don’t you remember our first conversation? ‘Attention human: this isyour god speaking’?”

“Not that!” you groan, frustrated, struggling to come upwith the words. “I mean… the change. From two months ago.”

John seems genuinely lost as to what you’re talking about.

“Holy fuck, I guess I have to spell it out for you then.”You take another deep breath – in, and then out. “You turning into a girl?Remember that? That- that was my fault.”

John’s eyes widen in surprise.

“I know! I know.”

“But why?” she asks curiously, furrowing her brow and bitingher lips.

“Because I’m selfish!” you yell at her, removing your facefrom your hands and staring straight at her, your eyes getting moist. “I’m a completelyselfish asshat who wanted something so badly I didn’t stop and think ‘GeeKarkat, isn’t messing with someone’s body kind of messed up?’ No, that would betoo sane of a conclusion! No! No.”

You take another deep breath and close your eyes. “When youcalled me out on staring at you,” you continue softly, “you made it abundantlyclear that you weren’t interested. That should have been the end of it – it’san unrequited flush-crush, it’s not like those are rare. But no. I couldn’taccept that. I was being rejected for something I couldn’t control – my gender.So I did some research, and discovered that the definition of ‘not ahomosexual’ is ‘attracted to the opposite sex’. And so I thought ‘Hey, what ifthat wasn’t a problem? If John were a girl, then we would be the opposite sex toeach other, and that’s not an issue anymore!’”

You open your eyes for a second and see some semblance ofcomprehension starts creeping into John’s eyes before you shut them tightagain, once again cupping your hands over your face.

“So I got a god tier Feferi to change you into a girl,” youconfess. “Because that’s a brilliant idea. Taking away your bodily autonomylike that surely couldn’t be an absolutelyreprehensible thing to do, could it? No, surely not.”

“… So the reason I’m a girl now,” John says slowly, as ifshe’s working through this in her mind, “is because you wanted to date me.”

Your shoulders slump. “Yeah.”

You peek your eyes through gaps in your fingers, and to yourcomplete and utter shock, she doesn’t look mad. Instead, she shrugs hershoulders and says “Okay.”

You’re at a loss for words. “Okay…?” you prompt her,wanting clarification.

“Yeah, okay,” she says, repeating the shrugging motion.“Karkat, I don’t really give a shit that I’m a girl now. I thought that wouldhave been kind of obvious by the fact that I didn’t scream when Rose pointed itout to me.”

… You always just assumed that was shock. Surely nobodycould have been that nonchalant about suddenly changing gender?

“And yeah, you did it for a pretty shitty reason,” shecontinues, “but whatever! That doesn’t change the fact that I don’t reallymind.”

“… Really?” you ask her, refusing to believe this isactually happening.

“Yeah. Really,” she says, shuffling over to you and puttingan arm around your shoulder. Something in your hind-brain objects to that –that’s a pale thing, John – but thatshouldn’t be going off went you don’t have a moirail.

… At least, you think you don’t.

… You’re totally moirails with Kanaya, aren’t you. Yep,that sure was a thing you completely failed to notice. Good job, past Karkat,on once again outdoing yourself in the perception department.

“Plus now I get to wear skirts and dresses, and that’spretty awesome,” she chuckles.

You shrug her arm off you and look her straight in the eyes.“What about your sexuality?”

John tilts his head. “What about it?”

“I replaced it. You’re attracted to boys instead of girlsnow. By turning you into a girl, I changed a part of who you are.”

“Karkat,” she says, cupping your face in her hands andmeeting your eyes, setting off those pale infidelity alarm bells again. “I’mgoing to repeat this as many times as it takes to get it through to you. I. Do.Not. Care.”

You’re having such a hard time believing this is happeningright now. Red tears start leaking from the corners of your eyes, pooling inJohn’s soft hands. She quickly removes them and wipes them off on her pants.

“Besides, who said I wasn’t attracted to girls anymore?” sheasks.

You freeze in place for a second. “… What?” you ask,confused. “But I thought… why would that…”

“Yeah, I don’t know either. Maybe my new body caused themale attraction and I just kept the female attraction that I already had? Butyeah. I like everyone now. It’s kind of annoying actually,” she says, rubbingat her neck. “Before I only stared at half of you guys, but now everyone lookshot. It’s distracting.”

“Welcome to what every troll ever feels like,” you mumble,before pausing. “Wait,” you interrupt yourself, “does that mean, uh…” youcast your eyes away from her. Oh look, that completely featureless grey floorlooks mighty interesting all of a sudden. “Does that… uh…”

“Include you? Yeah,” she tells you frankly. “Yeah, it does.”

… John thinks you’re hot? Are you blushing? You’re totallyblushing, aren’t you. God damn it.

“Karkat?” John says, trying to get your attention, and aftera second’s pause you make eye contact again. “I’m going to try something,alright? Promise you won’t freak out?”

“I-” you say, stumbling over your words. You’ve about totell her not to go through with whatever machinations she’s planning, but…

“Comeon…” you mutter, tongue stuck out in concentration. You and John areneck-and-neck, and if you can just get the drift boost just right, you shouldbe able to beat her to the finish line.

Butjust as you’re about to get the boost John throws a banana in front of you. Youspin out and she races past you to victory.

“Ha!Suckered again!” John yells in triumph, throwing the controller up in victory.“I am the MarioKart champion! You-”

Shegets bonked on the head by the stray controller, yelling out expletives as youlaugh your ass off.

… your mind drifts to all the time you’ve spent together.

“Whatin the absolute shit is that?” you ask him, pointing at the disgusting-lookingamorphous green mass he’s handing you.

“It’sjelly! It’s food, Karkat! Try some!” he says, handing you a plastic spoon.

“Youeat that stuff?” you exclaim,slightly mortified.

“It’sjust flavored animal organs! Come on, eat it!” He scoops up a small portion andpushes it towards your mouth.

“No!Get that away from me you-”

Heshoves the spoon into your mouth.

Ohgod. It’s the most delicious thing you’ve ever tasted. You close your eyes inrapture.

“Toldyou so~” he sing-songs, and you punch his arm lightly. “Ow.”

And you come to a decision.

“Idon’t get it,” John says in the midst of the pale courtship taking place on screen.“Why is the green-blood not freaking out about this?”

Yousigh in frustration. “Because they’re moirails, John. This is what moirailsdo.”

“Butshe’s not pale for the yellow-blood. Why is she just letting him have his way?”

Youpause and look over at her, slightly shocked. “How did you know that?”

“Isn’tit obvious?” she asks you. “The green-blood is black for the yellow-blood. Comeon, Karkat, even I’m not that thick. It’s kind of hard to miss, what withthe picture of him in her room with the suspiciously knife-shaped holes in it.”

“…You caught that?”

“Uh,yeah! Was I not supposed to?”

“Mosttrolls don’t spot that until their second watch-through.”

Hereyebrows shoot up. “Huh,” she says. “I guess I’m the quadrant whisperer.”

Youthrow a pillow at her.

“Okay,” you tell her. “I trust you.”

John closes her eyes and slowly, tentatively, approaches you– before you can even register what she’s doing your lips meet, and suddenlyyou’re kissing her.

Holy shit.

You grab onto her shirt and push her away. You can’t. You can’t.

“I can’t,” you tell her, your hands shaking. “I can’t.”

“Karkat, I don’t care-”

“You can’t,either! What about Dave? You can’t just- this isn’t fair to him!”

“Wh- he doesn’t care either!” John yells, and your eyeswiden.

“What,” you saydisbelievingly.

“Yeah, we talked about it,” she shrugs. “It was like, ‘HeyDave would you mind if I was poly with you and Karkat?’ and he was like ‘Go foryour life, just leave me out of it’, and so were we are!”

You just sort of stare blankly at her for a few seconds.Dave is… okay with this? SharingJohn? With you?

“Karkat?” John says, flicking her hand in front of youreyes. “Earth to Karkat?”

“Wha…?” you mumble out.

“You okay, dude?”

“I’m just… I don’t know. This is too much.”

“… Would another kiss help?” John suggests tentatively,biting her lower lip.

Would another kiss…

No, you know what? Fuck it. This entire meeting has alreadygone infinitely better than you’d even dared to dream. Future Karkat can worryabout the consequences for once in his miserable life.

And so you answer John’s query by wrapping your arms aroundher and kissing her. She closes her eyes and kisses back, leaning back to layon the ground. She holds you close, her tongue darting out to pry open yourlips – you let her, and your tongues meet.

“Mmn…” she sighs, working one of her hands up yoursweater, stroking your skin. It feels electric – every nerve she touches firingon all cylinders, leaving you wanting more, more.You kiss her harder and she rolls you both over so she’s on top of you, veryobviously grinding her spheres up against your chest. You reach down and grab ahandful of her ass, and she gasps, pulling away from the kiss momentarilybefore your other hand finds the back of her head and pushes your lips backtogether again. You can feel her stroking hand is pinned under you so you archyour back, letting her extract it. She immediately sends it down for acounter-ass-grope, and you sigh into her.

John Egbert is kissing you. This is a thing that ishappening. You’ve got a hand feeling up her butt and a hand on the back of herhead, pushing your mouths together. It’s wonderful. It’s everything you’d hopedit would be.

You remove your hand from the back of her head and squeezeit between you two, kneading one of her breasts. It’s soft, pliable – much likeher ass is – and you don’t want to take your hand away. Your finger catches onthe nub adorning it, already rock-hard, and she gasps. You repeat the motion,tracing circles around her nipple, and she shudders against you, her breathinggetting harder.

You can’t wait any longer. As much as it pains you so youpush John away from your lips, and instruct her. “Clothes. Off.”

She gets the message, rolling off of you and starting tolift her hood and shirt off. You do the same with your sweater and undershirt,before moving onto your pants. You glance over at her and find that she’spaused just shy of taking her panties off, just as you have for your boxers.She’s staring into your eyes, asking for confirmation, and you wordlessly giveit by pulling your underwear down, leaving you fully naked. She quicklyfollows, and you both spin around to take the other in.

And what a sight it is. Her legs thicken and flow upwards,flaring out to encompass that magnificent tush. Her waist curves in for just amoment before widening out again, framing her perfect breasts that would fitperfectly in a single cupped hand. Then her neck, not too slender but not toofat either, holding up the perfect, rounded face of John Egbert. You can seeher giving you the same appraisal, and her gaze catches on your bulge.

“Huh. It’s the same,” she says, non-puzzled.

“Yeah,” you say as your eyes dart down to her bulge. It’serect, standing up at about a 60-degree angle, her foreskin peeled back toreveal half of that ever-so-slightly purple head, wet with pre. It’s wide, but notso wide that one hand couldn’t wrap around it. It’s long, but not so long thatyour insides hurt in sympathy pains.

It’s also really, really pretty. You never thought a bulgecould be pretty, but you just don’thave any other word to describe it. It’s smooth, inviting, and just fits in sowell, like nothing else could possibly be there and look anywhere near asnatural as that cock does.

Just below it, starting where her shaft meets her skin, isher nook. Her outer lips have opened up and you can see she’s wet already. Sheruns a finger down from the tip of her bulge, along her smooth shaft, acrossthe top of her nook, and finally sticking the fingertip inside herself, sighinglightly in contentment.

It’s perfect. She’s perfect.

You shuffle closer to her, reaching out and grasping hershaft in your hand, and pump up and down, testing the waters and gauging herreaction.

Her eyes tell you all you need to know.

You start pumping her, up and down, somewhat awkwardly.You’re not used to doing it from this angle, but after a few false starts youadapt, and John shakes in pleasure. “Karkat…” she groans out, leaning herhead back. “Ah…”

You silence her with a kiss; one she is all too happy toreciprocate.

You can feel her getting harder in your hand as you pump –up and down, up and down. Occasionally you run your thumb across the head, andshe moans into the kiss. After a while you switch targets, moving your handdown to her nook, rubbing her folds and sticking one, then two fingers insideher. She shudders, breaking the kiss and wrapping her arms around yourshoulders, burying her face into your neck.

“Karkat, let me- ah- let me love you too,” she groans, andyeah, some attention on your bulge would be nice. You pull your fingers out ofher, causing her to emit a pleased sigh, and she pulls back, lying down on thefloor, your cock in her face.

“What are you-” you begin asking before you’re interruptedby her tongue running across your head, and suddenly you don’t have any words.

Holy shit, JohnEgbert is licking your bulge, and itfeels superb.

You throw your head back and moan, and apparently John takesthat as a sign that she’s doing good, because she ups the stakes and takes yourtip into her mouth, gently sucking on you. You squeeze your eyes shut.

When you manage to regain some measure of control and lookdown at her, a beautiful sight greets you. John’s taken your entire head intoher mouth, sucking and licking, drool leaking out around her. She’s got hereyes closed, the barest hint of a smile tugging at her lips.

She looks happy. Fulfilled. Like her mouth was always meantto be around your bulge, and she just never knew it.

As she reaches a hand up to stroke the parts of your bulgeshe hasn’t taken in yet, you slowly shuffle over, lying down, making sure Johnis comfortable while you make your way towards her cock. You’d never even considered this before – troll teeth andsoft flesh do not mix well – but if she’s making you feel this good with just her mouth, you’ll be damned if you’re not goingto return the favor.

And so, when your head is finally aligned with her dick, youwrap your lips around it and take it in, just like she did for you. She moansout in pure pleasure, her mouth vibrating around your bulge, causing you tomoan and vibrate around her, heightening her pleasure and causing her to cryout; and thus the cycle continues, your combined pleasure building andbuilding, spreading outwards and merging together into one glorious whole. Johngives out a massive, ear-shattering cry, you taste her material on your tongue,and you can’t hold on any longer. With your last conscious action you removeyour mouth from her dick; your vision whites out, every nerve in your bodylights up, and you call out John’s name.

For a few, blissful seconds, the world is shrunken. No game.No meteor. Not even a floor beneath you. It’s just you and John, wrapped ineach other’s arms, and the energy of a thousand stars burning a fiery rhapsodythrough your veins.

When you come down, the first thing you notice is thatJohn’s mouth isn’t on your bulge anymore. That’s a shame.

The second thing you notice is that John is absolutely drenched with your genetic material.She’s rolling around on the floor, rubbing at her hair and skin, trying to getit off.

And in your sex-addled state, your think-pan decides now isthe time to break down into hysterical laughter.

You shut your eyes and laugh, and laugh, and laugh. It’s just so funny. You have noidea why, but that doesn’t stop thegiggles escaping you.

“Karkat!” John whines. “I can’t get it off!”

“It’s- hehehe- it’s not-” and you’re gone again, unable toget words out behind your boisterous laughter.

When you start regaining your mental faculties, you findJohn staring forlornly at you.

That won’t do. That won’t do at all.

“C’mere” you mumble out, holding your arm out welcomingly.She accepts your offer and snuggles up to you, resting her head in the crook ofyour neck while your arm comes down and pets her in long strokes down herspine. You feel her smile against your flesh, and you smile with her.

“So,” John says aftera minute of snuggling and light kisses, “how did you know me and Dave weretogether anyway?”

“Wha…?” you mumble incoherently.

“Well, you weren’t there for the announcement, so how didyou know?”

Oh.

Your cheeks flush red and you look away, John laughing atyou. “You totally peeked on us, didn’t you?”

“Shut up,” you mumble.

“Hey, I won’t tell Dave if you don’t! I just think it’s-”

You interrupt her with a kiss, and her words die in hermouth.

You’ve done some shitty things these past two perigees. Youtook one of your friends and, without consulting them, completely changed theirentire body, all for your own selfish whims; all because you couldn’t take nofor an answer.

And yeah, that was an incredibly fucking awful thing to do.But right here, right now, with a now-female John kissing you deeply,passionately? For once in your life, you can forgive Past Karkat’s colossalfuck-up, just as John forgave you.

You close your eyes, savoring the kiss, and you smile.

—————

Full ask text: Karkatwants to be matesprits with John, but unfortunately, John is Not AHomosexual^TM. After doing some research on human sexuality and discovering thedefinition of being straight is “being attracted to the opposite sex”, Karkatcomes up with the idea of having John turn into a girl. With that definition,that would mean John would then be attracted to boys, and thus Karkat wouldhave a chance. He enlists the help of Feferi, and with her life powers, Johnturns into a girl over the course of a week. After John settles into his newbody, Karkat discovers that his plan worked and John is now attracted to boys –the only problem is it’s not Karkat that John has a crush on.

This was originally going to have a sad ending, as theprompt seemed to ask for, but once I wrote it I decided it didn’t sit rightwith me, and now it’s about double that original length. My writing life in anutshell, basically.

Also, let me know what you thought of the smut scenes. Ican’t figure out whether or not I’m any good at writing them.

#homesmut #tg #tgtf #gender transformation #mtf tg #mod e #john egbert #karkat vantas

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