#jesus fuckign christ did i just

[hawlce]

I love making moth ocs because you'll draw them stylized, your brain will hold off on drowning it in then neck fuzz, then like a year passes. you finally draw them like a great pyrenees, pause.

this cannot feasibly be right.

So you turn to google and go "show me moths"

then when youre greeted by th

Post cancelled have you guys heard of the Venezuelan poodle moth.

if you were on tumblr in 2012 you've seen it. this lil guy

It's existence is so continuous because the only evidence comes from a zoologists, Dr. Arthur Anker, flickr album he took at Gran Sabana National Park in, [ gestures ] Venezuela.

and it's so easy to misidentify it to another species. SO easy infact

Those aren't even photos of it-

The first one is a Bombyx mori- or a common silk moth.

when these little guys don't face the threat of predators once domesticated, They evolve to have larger bodies that are too large for their wings to actually work. they lose their ability to fly. more moth lore for you to go with.

Back to the main event- The Venezuelan poodle moth?

Yeah. This is the only ACTUAL evidence we have of it is this photo

Literally. this it is. it's sitting there like a dog in a bath tub.

Not identified, last officially spotted in 2009- at its portrait session in a macys.

THATS why you get to find fucking mind boggling gems like this when you look for it

there's nothing else to work with.

Oh and you wanted to know about the second photo? Yeah that's a just a common silk moth someone felted.

[ the image has been reposted so many times over the last 12 years that it was impossible to track the source- if you have it please add it! ]

[scattered-winter]

every day i kick a rock and bash my head into the wall because i'll never get to go on a big space adventure and become tightly close-knit with my new found family up there <//3

[adara-et-al]

just once i'd like to have a normal fucking reaction to normal fucking realizations and tiny fucking disappointments

[abombihoney]

my thoughts as I read the new (6 months old) chapter of ethnoentomology bc i said would live blog it and this is least annoying way i can do so.

Hornet really just fucking pulled a gun out im like 1 minute fucking in jesus girl.

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ooooooooh my fucking god he's literally a sopping wet little meow meow. i WILL be coming back 2 this.

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what this fucking pronoun fuckery i need to reread this shit im onto something. i need to add all my annotations together. i need a conspiracy board. i need to make a chart with color coded lines

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I wish Hallownest’s official language was anything other than “cryptic riddles.”

me too dude the fuck.

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CHANCE BEING EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT???? telling lurien he isn't at fault for the radiance's actions

however... how could he think anything else really. he is all for blaming the radiance for everything.

i'm feeling a delicious mix of "can i even trust my own thoughts" mixed with Chance trying to separate what was him versus what was other.

What happens when (if) he manages to separate what actions were wholly him with no outside influence? What will he regret? What will he desperately try to justify?

How would he even determine what is him and what is the influence of the radiance? He has no memory of past actions to compare against. He can't necessarily even trust the memories he does have, they're full of hallucinations, gaps in memory where he doesn't know what he did. If it was "him" that did it. AAAAAAAAAAAUGH

___

is chance checking out of reality a lot rn or am i looking too deep. there seems to be a lot of "jump cuts"

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back 2 valleri. info dump for me lurien i only read a handful of chapters of midnight rider.

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 "I couldn’t tell you how many times she would’ve been jailed or worse"

wait wasnt she jailed tho. didnt she like. immediately punch pk in the face or am i misremembering. does lurien not know this. i feel like he should be told this information somehow bc like. i feel like it would give him a heart attack.

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VALLERI LEFT SOMETHING FOR CHANCE???? THE PLOT THICKENS HELLO???

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why is chance so gay he is SO focused on lurien all the time jesus christ man. i feel like i keep getting trapped in one of them slow burn fics where they keep almost kissing.

FUCKIGN 2 SECONDS LATER:

Having grabbed something from a small drawer in the table behind Chance, Lurien settled back, (disappointingly) further away from him.

chance ur down bad. this is going to blow up in his face spectacularly somehow. good 2 know i wasnt imagining the horny descriptions of lurien from last chapt.

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new theory: valleri is a time-traveling post-transition chance. source: my other theory that valleri and chance are closely related. similar temperament and appearance. both from california or w/e.

wait i think i remember valleri have future seeing powers. i refuse to finish reading midnight rider until ethno is done tho so i'm keeping my theory

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Chance reflexively rejected this information before he could begin processing its implications.

side effects of having magic powered by belief: may decide to just ignore things bc if u believe it you make it true. denial is a powerful drug

wait. hmmmmm.

did the radiance take chance's memories? or did chance want to forget? like could also totes be the cool magical barrier that wipes ur memories to prevent the radiance from escaping the corpse of hallownest. but now i am thinking of all the fucked up implications of something so horrible (by a teenagers standards) that chance wanted to forget everything.

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TUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSK MY BABY TUSK POV TUSK POV TUSK POV

oh no the baby is injured.

They needed to find Chance. He would heal them, like always—

ur honor they love each so much!!!!!!!!! might be becoming a lil codependent but ITS FINE

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checks out that hornet was a vicious little child lmao

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“For Hallownest, there is no cost too great. That is what I told Him.”

OH SHIT

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oh fuck yeah i fucking love use of game mechanics in stories for problem solving. go little guy go!

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HEY WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK

Like life’s just a script and she’s waiting for her cue.

OH? paralleling what lurien said about PK. INTRIGUING.

(fucked up evil theory: The parallels between PK and Valleri that are being drawn here... from what I understand Valleri became INCREDIBLY close and attached to hallownest. What if Chance is Valleri's hollow knight?)

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The White Palace was destroyed. But so was the Watcher’s Spire, and Chance could put that back.

my sweet child, you are going to fucking kill chance

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Too cowardly to confront her own cowardice.

ruh roh raggy. hornet's going to have to contend with the fact that she has killed her own siblings in cold blood eventually. possibly soon

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fuck yeah i love worldbuilding. tell me more about how the fictional bug city built in a wet cave functioned and how the class divide determined transportation methods.

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*slaps chance* this baby can fit so much PTSD in it

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this is spelling euphoria isn't it.

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hey wait doesn't chance have boat trauma??? didn't he see a corpse under a boat in the last chapter of act 1???

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something bad is going to happen. we're building so much suspense.

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"Chance"

??????? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON NOW???????

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 draped half overboard like a dirty wet rag

chance's natural state really.

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something in their Void was churning

This happens directly after Chance has his little episode with the boat. Are Chance and Tusk connected by the void? Didn't something similar happen in the last chapter??

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Hornet i love u. She's so spiderman coded.

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—Tusk whacked the switch to the elevator and went up and away. “Wh—Vessel! Hold on!”

see u idiot

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Ah Lemm, the confidence of a man who is very very wrong. he'd shit his pants if he saw all the human shit in the junkyard lmao.

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Several photos were attached to the line and dangled from ceiling to floor. Dozens of lines around the room like party streamers, a hundred little memories swaying gently in the dust.

megamind ass organization system

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burned painting frame.... coating the room in ash.. im sure this holds no significance whatsoever and won't come up again.

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Tusk has so much youngest sibling energy lmao

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uh oh hornet. ur getting attached.

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this is to hornet also, isnt it?

WAHT THE FUCK

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oh okay they are connected. poor tusk and chance. they r gonna become a feedback loop up fucked up huh

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wait does chance not know shes the princess. lmao

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aww hug fest JEREMY REAL??? or is hornet infected too hello????

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IM GOING FERAL VALLERIS SEEING SO MANY THINGS AT ONCE AND REACTING TO ALL OF THEM HELLO?????

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oh my god i feel like ive been punched seventeen times in a row. i have so much hype i need to run a marathon. im fucking spinning in circles im filled with unrestrained summer fun oh my god im supposed to sleep soon i dont know if i can manage stop thinking long enough to do that holy shit

[captain-mj]

hey idk if I missed what it stands for somewhere or smth but. rlly curious what ESU stands for in the GhostSoap Handler fic.

also,, 100000/10 fuckign,,, LOVING that fic so MUCH I am bouncing off the walls like the roommate's crackhead cat at 2am that keeps one from getting decent sleep

So this is the last chapter! ESU stands for Experimental Soldiers Unit (not the most creative but are most military names?)

Previous Parts

Soap gently helped Ghost into his tac vest while Ghost checked Soap’s gun. He went over every inch, making sure it was working perfectly.

Ghost felt a kiss be placed to the base of his wings.

There was a funny sense of finality that Ghost knew everyone around him must feel. Surely they had to.

Yet no one acted any differently.

It was a simple milk run. The only difference was Valeria was the target. It was fine. Normal.

Fucking… normal.

Ghost felt like he was on a tightrope. Soap was perfect. Soap was always perfect. But Jesus Christ he was tired. It ached. This longing to curl back up in his chair in Glasgow.

Graves’s words were going to him. But now, so were Alex’s.

“Simon, do you ever wish you could retire?”

“No.”

“I do. I think of one day never shifting back. Putting the wings away. Maybe just cutting them off so i can never be asked again.” Alex had seemed far away. Something had changed with him recently. Or maybe it was Ghost seeing it for the first time. “Can’t do it yet. Not while they’re still things to do. People to protect.”

Ghost hadn’t responded.

Alejandro seemed happy. Graves seemed happy. Was it something they were doing? Some secret?

Alejandro and Rodolfo got married. He saw the way they looked at each other. It was the way he looked at Soap when he caught himself in mirrors.

Why was that not enough? Why was loving Soap not enough to fix it? Fix him? Make him less tired?

But he did his job just like always. He sat quietly in his seat on the truck, listening to a Gaz and Price and Soap. They were talking about the mission, planning.

Ghost would go in alone and they’d ambush her. She knew they were coming so they expected a lot of fighting. It’s why it was important they stay and watch his back.

His nails dug into his skin. They were concerned about him. Price asked if he could handle it alone.

“Yes, sir. I can.”

Ghost went into the building, taking special care to be silent. Everyone else could get the enemies' attention. He just needed to find Valeria.

And he did. He found her with a hurt monster. A Damaged thing.

Nunez's wings were beautiful, but he had the same staining on his skin that Ghost did. Same curse.

Valeria looked at him.

He understood.

"I watched the military destroy Alejandro. Take men and return pieces of them. I just... couldn't let that happen to him. I stopped it in Los Almas when no one else did!" Valeria hissed at him, standing in front of Nunez. "It was selfish and horrible what they did. You defend them you..." She stared, slowly relaxing. "You..."

Ghost stared. He swallowed thickly.

"No, you get it."

Ghost hated her.

"If we're found, they'll take him away from me. They'll start experimenting on him again. Can you live with that?"

Ghost thought of an airplane.

"Go." He rasps. "Just go."

Valeria smiled and Nunez dragged her away, going faster than anyone Ghost had ever seen. And Ghost went out a different door.

He heard them realize Valeria was going South and Ghost started going North.

Simon knew he had to go home.

Hopefully Soap wouldn't be so mad at him.

His radio went off. "Simon. Simon, how copy."

Ghost took his radio off and dropped it on the ground.

"Simon. How copy."

Ghost listened to them try to call him back. He took off his vest and left it on the ground. His dog tags were left a few feet away from them.

He hoped Alex would leave soon. He deserved it. Gaz deserved it. To know his sweetheart would be coming home.

Ghost remembered his journey to Texas after Mexico. It felt similar. His feet bled. His chest convulsed. The little thing called his heart beating and fluttering randomly. It begged him to go back or lay down and die.

What are you without the military?

Don't know. I'll figure it out.

What are you without Soap there to hold your hand?

If I never let go of his hand, I'll never have to know.

Ghost found himself crawling into Soap's bed in Glasgow. He showered first, not wanting to dirty his sheets. Soap had been there recently it seemed but left again. His body sank into the pillows. Too large and bulky but it cradled him gently.

When he got up, he ate. He showered again. He stared at the walls before using Soap's computer.

First thing he did was snoop through emails to look at reports. They were about him. All about him. Where was he? Why was his gear left? Is he okay?

In one of Price's reports, there was a message at the bottom.

"I hope it goes well."

It was an odd phrasing. Just odd enough for Ghost to know it was on purpose.

Of course Price would know.

After a week of searching, life returned to normal. For them. Ghost was still in Soap's home. And after a lot of rest, he started to do stuff again. He started to look through more reports, but nothing was that fun. Then, he started to search the internet.

Ghost found his brother's old music. Silly teenage band music. He liked hearing his brother's drumming. The person singing didn't really matter. Just Tommy's drumming.

It led Simon down a rabbit hole. About his murder apparently.

There were videos upon videos about his family.

He watched every single one.

True crime videos. Women doing makeup and men making jokes.

it was nice, seeing his family together again sans his father.

Then, someone showed a picture of him in a bar, clearly drunk and hunched over. His body was already changed but the baggy hoodie kept it semi hidden.

"It's time stamped for 9:17."

"Time of Death was put at 9:19."

"How did he travel all the way home and tear them to shreds in two minutes?"

Ghost didn't do it. That night wasn't his fault.

The realization had him clawing at his skin and wailing until he worried the neighbors may call the cops. His head throbbed and his throat ached.

The black on his skin spread. It burned and ached and for once, Ghost decided it wouldn't be so bad to be half mad and feral. His brain hurt. There was so much heat on his body. Intense and furious.

A fever over took him. It felt almost silly. Like his emotions had gotten so harsh and bad that it gave him a physical reaction.

His body had an intense ache over it and it felt like the light blistered against his skin. Everything was hazy and out of focus, unable to focus on anything.

So Simon showered in the dark and he ignored that his skin felt so uncomfortable and that his feathers had started to fall out.

And then one day, he woke up, body incredibly sore from his fever but no more hysteria or fever. He ran his hands over his face, pausing.

His hands. They looked.

Normal.

No claws.

Just pink flesh.

There was a sound and he perked up. It didn't ring in his ears or go on for ages.

There was a click of a door and Simon went downstairs. His clothes hung off of him, no longer tight.

Soap.

Soap put his keys into the bowl. He looked exhausted. Red rings around his eyes.

Simon was stupid.

"Missed me?"

Johnny went for his gun before freezing. He just kept staring.

"Ghost?"

Simon stretched, for the first time in years not feeling the weight of wings and guilt on his shoulders.

"Just Simon."

"Simon."

"How about I make you a cup of coffee? Or food? I'm sure you're starving." Simon wanted to feel useful suddenly. It was an intense need to help that was interrupted by Soap kissing him hard. Simon only flinched back, worried his fangs would cut his lips. But there were no fangs. Just lips.

Simon yanked him closer and kissed him deeply, pulling him in closer.

Johnny pulled away and shook him. "You fucking disappeared. You fucking... You..." He kissed him again.

"I'm sorry. I waited here for you. I'm never going to let go of your hand."

"Huh?"

"Don't worry about it."

[glasswingowl]

HERE WE GO LADS FINALE TIME

EP 8 SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT

I AM IN FEAR

not the bugs noooo

WAS THAT FUCKING REBECCA???

this entire bit is great. showing what's going on from the pov of someone who doesn't gaf

oh. oh SHIT

the silence gets me every goddam time this is such a noisy show everyone's always clinking and whirring so hearing nothing is just…

"WHOOPS"

NORI SAID (wrote) A SWEAR?? SHE CAN DO THAT??

AW CMON

SPACESHIPT?? V??

ah. N. I keep getting my hopes up lmao

"I'm kinda like actually mad about what you did" BIG words coming from someone who could barely muster up a "J, you're kinda mean to me" at the start of the series. great job buddy <3

N's a great spaceship pilot he was just set up to fail the first time around

SHE CAN SWEAR?? i'm choosing to believe the solver unlocked that bc i refuse to believe she wouldn't be telling people to fuck off 24/7 otherwise

oh yeah cyn's still here

awwwww :3 three cheers for communication!

nevermind i guess-

that's my girl!

fuck you j

"i'm fine and calm and GO AWAY-"

V V V V V YESSSSSSSS MY GIRL BELEIVERS WIN BELIEVERS WIN

V'S THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME SUCK IT J

I LIVED BITCH V and Lizzy are just fantastic love these two. world's biggest haters

THE RAPTOR IS STILL STRAIGHT UP EVIL LMAO-

ahhh so J knew and decided to go along with it to save herself

HOW ABOUT YOU BITE ME AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH YEAAAAAAAAAAAA-

WE STAY WINNING

ABSOLUTE POWER COUPLE

and here's the guest of honour herself!

oh eugh she's all bendy.

no no don't flinch now-

oh that's AWFUL i love it

OH SHIT THAT ACUTALLY HAS CONSEQUENCES

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

SHE IS MENACING-

FUCKED UP LIZARD- OH WHAT THE HELL

this entire scene is genuinely freaky.

OH THE HOLOGRAMS OH SHI this is genuinely really good. playing off the fear from both sides to create a believeable misunderstanding. love it

the solver wants to swear SO FUCKING BADLY LMAO-

the gang's all here again

WAIT WAIT KHAN CLOSED THE FUCKIGN DOOR LMAO-

"no one traumatizes these weirdly hot robots but me" <- i'm just going to leave this here.

"glad you're not dead or whatever" GOD SO AM I

YEEEEEAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

FUCKING NIGHTCORE FIGHT SCENE USING J'S HEAD AS A PROJECTILE LMAO glitch is just flexing on us at this point

OH MY GOD UZI RECOGNIZING THE HOLOGRAM FUKCING LOVE THAT

uh oh. ah. oh what did she just do

WHHY DID IT JUST MELT BODIES DON'T DO THAT AUGH oh damn

she's…. ok? thad, lizzy and khan ok!

LMAOOO NORI- "KINDA HOT"?? YOU'RE BOTH FREAKS YOU'RE PERFECT FOR EACHOTHER

OH THE GRADIENT EYES LOOK SO COOOOL-

callback to the first sccene, teacher's alive but wishes he wasn't, EVERYONE IS HERE-

"THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND!!" V AND LIZZY WORLD'S BIGGEST HATERS

half yellow now! so she's the new host?

J's alive, Khan and Nori reunite(!), Doll's… memorial??,

Oh yeah she's just gotta deal with that now-

In conclusion: WE GOT THE GOOD ENDING LETS GOOOO-

[420technoblazeit]

idk why i assumed that john and arthur were eating like. rats or smth down in the prison pits. the confirmation that they were eating human bodies is so fucked up

'it's coming from the floor' me when there's a tictac heart or hwatever edgar allan poe said

i cant believe we've unlocked colonel sanders harlan guthrie

literally every 5 seconds arthur's like i miss john. where's that post that's like he talks about his ex so much im starting to miss her too

he misses his bitchass wife ur honor

oh it's been so long since we've done the whole 'see a person's last moments' thing that i forgot they could do that

i had to check the transcript here to make sure i wasnt imagining htings hey what the fuck is this??? who's the woman????????

ik yellow's kind of trying to manipulate arthur but from some of their conversations i get the feeling he's also trying to figure out like. what could have driven john to sacrifice so much for arthur if that makes sense. it must be jarring being a broken off piece of an eldritch entity, knowing that another piece of you learned to love and care for a mortal, but not understanding how or why. maybe there's hope for him yet

it's also kind of bittersweet because i think arthur's kind of given up on changing yellow in the same way he did john. he said already that he'd send yellow back if he helped him find anna which tells me that he doesnt believe in his ability to help yellow find his humanity. he's given up on this piece of john. it's kinda sad actually especially if john doesnt come back or at least not the same. i hope john never finds out about this bc i think itd b really upsetting to him

fuckkkkkkkk he picked up the flute that thing's totally cursed. that dead old man's gonna haunt us now or smth

can you fuckign imagine if larson walked in like. 30 seconds earlier and heard arthur monologuing about how he killed and ate a man in the prison pits to survive and enjoyed it. id b like hm. mayb i should kidnap someone else

the fact that he felt so guilty about this act that he lied to john and said it was necessary for their survival really speaks to how highly he thinks of john now i think. we've come a long way from the first couple of episodes where john was yelling at arthur to shoot that man in the office

i have to start keeping track of arthur's permanent injuries there's a piece of his right ear gone now ig

not liking hte eagerness in yellow's voice when larson talks abt the gods. we do NOT want this piece of an eldritch god getting ideas abt ruling over humanity jesus christ

'do you want another voice in your head?' guy who now has his SECOND piece of an eldritch entity sharing a body with him: 'you can do that???'

lameass name, wallace. fuckign loser. let's kill this bitch arthur. not just bc of his dumb name also bc of yk. the filicide

NOT THE FUCKIGN MUSIC BOX WE REALLY GOTTA KILL THIS GUY NOW CANT HAVE SHIT IN THIS PODCAST

LOVE the visual of uncle dragging arthur half conscious across the floor and arthur is just beside himself with relief bc john's finally back. oh he's literally sobbing i love him sm

[sithwitch13]

AEW Double or Nothing 5/26/24

Love Thunder Rosa's Elvis gear

I think Thunder may murder Deonna over this

Fuck it has been 25 years since Owen what the fuck

Ok but which one did Schiavone not think was a big man

Gates/Cage of Agony have really been growing on me

I'm so dumb I just realized Ospreay's robe is supposed to be an Assassin's hood. The shiny colors and feathers obscured that for me

Bryce standing up to Wardlow and then Wardlow's face as he backed away lol

Jesus this is amazing

Cole's back! Now please stay intact for a while

SCREAMING

New look MJF variant!

Aww MJF got to say fuck, good for him

...just realized I halfway thought the Gunns had doge memes on their gear

THE JUICE IS LOOSE

I wish I could feel something other than apathy for Serena Deeb.

I continue to love everything about Mariah May and her involvement in this storyline

Okay Trent is using a different song and now my psychic damage is slightly lessened

Return of the Pixies!

Rocky with the jacket I'm gonna cry 😢

At least they're not d4s

BRYAN KEITH ON A PPV CONGRATS TO US ALL

Idc Bryan Keith involved in anything is a major win for me

WTF DID THE TABLE LEGS GO THROUGH THE FUCKING TABLE JESUS CHRIST

Accidental strap match thanks to Mox's arm wrap

TAKESHITA DOING THE DEATH RIDER AAAA

BROOD BROOD BROOD BROOD

GOTH BLOOD PERVERT HOURS

JESUS CHRIST

Fuckign rude, Jesus is RIGHT THERE

GANGREL FUCK YES

TIME FOR MERCEDES AND WILLOW

Giant friendship bracelet!

Wait when did Taz get here? Was I so excited that I missed Taz?

That fucked so hard, I'm so happy for us all

Nooooooo I knew it was coming but noooo

Oh damn reminds me I've been wanting to rewatch The Warriors

Swerve in that Warriors gear is working for me on every level

Nooo Nana has done nothing wrong ever in his life

Swerve moves like a sexy big cat, I love him

The House Call is becoming one of my favorite finishers ever

So someone's getting set on fire right?

The fucking robes lol

FINAL COUNDOWN JONES

A FUCKING BUS?!

WAIT DARBY'S FACEMASKS HAS THUMBTACKS?!?!

TONY KHAN AGAIN?!?!?!

FLAMETHROWER'S BACK

EXPLODIKG CHAIR?!???

THUMBTACK SHOES

JESUS HE IS A PIÑATA

HOLY FUCK HE PINNED DANIELSON

Jesus christ what a night

[pekkleduckramblings]

Jesus christ I guess I'm just undeserving of love??? I'm just genuinely a shitty fucking person I really just can't fucking have one person not get sick of me. I thought pining for each other for almost 8 years and finally getting together I finally found someone who loves me as much as I love them who accept me for me but ig I just didn't live up to their fucking standards lol.

I can't believe it only took 2 years of dating and living together for him to get sick of me lol. I at least get 4 years but ig me not having sex w him and letting him see me without masking was a fucking mistake. I thought I didn't have to force my self to have sex when I don't want it and that I didn't have to constantly maintain how I'm acting and presenting my self. I thought I could just be my self. But I knew how shit and disgusting I am and I don't know how I let him see that. Fuck I'm an idiot

He said he doesn't like how insecure I am and that it's tiring dealing with my insecurities but I'm insecure bc I don't want him to leave me. I know I don't deserve him I know he can do better I want him to have better but I thought I could at least try to to be enough for him. I shouldn't have gotten mad at him all the time I should have kept making him breakfast lunch and dinner everyday I should have been more attentive to him more. I shouldn't have stopped masking. I fucked up and I'm so fucking scared now I don't want to lose him but I want him to be happy and I'm not that. I want him to be happy and if I can't make him happy I should be forcing him to b with me but I don't want to let him go. It's my fault

It's my fault it's my fault it's my fault

I'm gross i don't shower enough i eat too much I'm fat I'm ugly I'm insecure I'm lazy I'm depressed I'm unemployed i have no skills i can't do anything but rot in bed all day.

It's my fuckign fault i made him take care of me I couldn't feed my self i can't force myself to even fucking maintain any aspect of my health and I made him take care of everything for me and I didn't even fuck him in return it's my fucking fault. I should have done more

I'm not fucking attractive enough to be acting like this

Maybe if I was skinny and pretty and fucked him more often I could have gotten away with letting him take care of me, at least then he'd be getting something out of all this. But instead I'm laying bed sweaty, covered in boogers and tears, day 4 without showering because I can't gather the energy to have to see myself naked, I made him buy me food bc I couldn't feed myself while he's staying up even tho he has work tomorrow bc he doesn't want to disturb my episode and I just can't do anything.

I ts my fault and I know it but it still hurts

I still don't want him to leave i don't want to let go of the closest thing I've ever had to love

I'm a selfish peice of shit and I know it, he knows it

I just wish he had told me earlier. Maybe then I could have done something, I could have changed or at least pretended to. I could have tried. I could have held myself together while he was here and waited for him to go to work to have stupid little episodes. I've done it before so why didn't I do it with him???

Why did I have to think it'd b different this time why did I let my guard down

I know i don't deserve love.

I know the only way I can have someone pretend to love me is if I pretend to be something else

I shouldn't have stopped masking

[rattlinbog]

after spending wednesday and thursday working late to help someone deal with after hours emergency housing, we got things figured out during the day today for emergency housing where he is two counties over but is set for the next 18 days. another late night, as i wasn't back at the office until about 6:40. but my eta to get back was like 7:00 and i was feeling really really good about the whole thing and not in despair like the last two nights because he was all set for over 2 weeks and we wouldn't have to keep doing this every night.

and then when i got back to the office at 6:45, i went inside to the bathroom, and went back outside to febreze the car, and accidentally locked myself out of the office with my work cell, personal cell, and office/house/personal vehicle keys in the office. so i had to drive the work car to my supervisor's house (only about 7 minutes away but still). just barely knew where her house was. and bother her at 7:00 at night when she's in her pajamas to get me back into the office. she's great though. i get back in the office. great.

and then i realize i have lost/dropped/misplaced one of our three walmart cards. you do NOT. lose. the. walmart. cards. tore apart the work car, my bag, my wallet, my client's folder. nowhere. called walmart. no one brought lost any card to the customer service desk. went to walmart and looked in the parking lot where we had been parked earlier and around the checkout area. no where. had to call my boss and bother her AGAIN at like 7:45 to figure this out. she had to call our pod (human resources) director to get a hold of one of the girls from finance. went back to the office to get pictures of the other two cards. girl from finance wouldn't be home for an hour (because friday you know, people like to go do shit), but turned out it was super super easy for her to cancel the card and she would do this when she got home and she did and she was super super nice and my boss was super super nice but JESUS FUCKIGN CHRIST WHAT A THREE DAYS IT'S BEEN. and i was feeling sooooo good when i got back to that office at 6:45. like what a success finally to figure out this guy's situation for the next 18 days and just. cannot fucking believe it.

[grapefruitcoorslight]

oh dear fukcing god this is not ever ever ever ever what i intended to happen. i am so fucking upset that this hurts you enough to split an entire new headmate WHO I THEN ACCIDENTALLY MESSAGED????????? I HAD NO FUCKING IDEA I DIDNT EVEN LOOK i literally want to hide in a cave forever i love you so much this is fuckijg awful i dont understand why you keep coming back to me like you have another person you can go get whatever you wanf why ME. i know why i wanf you BUT WHY DO YOU WANT ME????? SINCE IM ABUSIVE APPARENTLY??????? i hurt you severely obviously and i understand that and it was fucking awful, i am sure i hurt you terribly, i will not defend any of my behavior, but i do genuinely think we just fucking drove each other crazy. i don’t believe i would have acted like that if i wasn’t being pushed to my limits constantly and i don’t think you would either if i hadn’t been pushing you. i am not upset about people being upset with me about it. i’m upset about our individual people taking sides so hard because i know you i know you love me and i know i love you and i think we both just kinda lost it. and now it’s been a month and for some reason you keep coming back and i keep indulging and now you have a hyena girl???????? JESUS FUCKIGN CHRIST I DONT KNOW HOW TO OPERATE THIS. I swear to god messaging 5 min after the intro post was a complete accident i literally did not check and now here we are . i don’t even dare respond i’m just gonna wait. i deleted everything on my other blog purely out of panic because obviously letting you see that is harmful so i’m not gonna do that anymore. i am so fucking full of guilt right now i have no idea what to do. i don’t know who’s right, i can’t make anybody like me more, there’s literally nothing i can do, but please fucking decide for me because i can’t do it. please be the bigger person and cut me off if you’re gonna do it. you’ve always been older and whatever like i understand the situation is complicated but i have no power now. if you’re gonna do it just FUCKING DO IT

[lifeinthegladhouse]

I got fired without prior notice today and I have no idea why. My boss told me I didn't "do" anything wrong, I didn't "say" anything offensive, but there was a "pattern" and feedback lead to his decision of firing me which is wild bc he is really cool and I worked really hard for his company and had GREAT rapport with the customers (even tho one/some apparently took issue with me????????) I'm just really shocked. He offered me severance pay which is wild for a small business and said he wouldn't fight UI which is awesome, and like, he seems to like and respect me, but was just like "this isn't a good fit" but it's like my brother in christ my fuckign father died, I got covid, chipped my tooth, my cat died, I did extensive medical testing, and have been off and on psych meds since starting this job, SHOWED UP AND CHOSE TO BE KIND EVERY DAY like what DID i do, (and it wasnt the absences, fortunately, which yknow we were cool about bc it was life shit i couldnt control) but like ?????????

I don't think anyone knew I was going to be fired at all. It was incredibly fucking weird. And meanwhile someone there basically intimidated me and acted like shit and was allowed to get away with it despite several meetings.

I just don't understand WTF i did wrong and he wouldnt further elaborate because "it wouldnt help" but he was like "i think you can find a better fit" and its like DUDE IM LITERALLY DISABLED AND BARELY NOT HOMELESS. LIKE THANKS FOR BELIEVING IN ME BUT I LITERALLY CANT WORK FULL TIME AND HAVE FUCKED EMPLOYMENT

AND SEVERAL DISORDERS THAT MAKE IT HARD FOR ME TO WORK

EVEN THO I WORK HARDER THAN SOME OF UR KIDDO EMPLOYEES WHO SAY WEIRD SHIT ALL THE TIME AND STAND ON THEIR PHONES ALL DAY LIKE JESUS HRIST

idk im jsut shocked. everyone i know is shocked. like literally everyone is like why the fuck would they fire you

ive never been fired and its like im glad i didnt do something "So wrong" but im also like ?????????????? you basically fired me bc i dont "Vibe" with everyone??????????????????????????????????????????? i fucking hate this world so much sometimes

[catravandece]

I have so many bridgerton thoughts i need to shit them out or else im gonna explode so spoilers

first up- the negs 👎

jesus fuckign christ i HATED the costumes this season. H A T E D. the extras looked more regency than the mains and that was literally the only thing keeping me in the mindset that this was actually 1815. ""historical accuracy"" is a beast on its own but the whole appeal of the regency romance genre is the /regency/ of it all. bweeeehhhhhh

speaking of regency-ness did we just like, throw all conventions of social ruin out the window? where are the chaperones? the tension-driving rules of polite society that makes transgressing it all the more fulfilling??

i got such whiplash from these timelines, maybe at one point ill write down all the things that made me go ?????? but for now please know that i am Deeply Confused

the fact that they shuffled off kanthony twice in the same season is absolutely hilarious. if the series continues all the way through to hyacinth and gregory i expect the cast list will be 4 people and an old sears mannequin alskdjbcnekjdfskl

CRESSIDA DESERVED BETTERRRRRRRRRRR CRENELOISE 5EVER WHY DID THEY ABANDON HER SOFTENING ARC IM SO UPSET SOMEONE GO SAVE HER

ok now the nices👍

i was totally prepared for there to be no queerness this season so to be slapped with the one-two punch of both bi benedict and Michaela Fucking Stirling girls i am EATINGGGGG

nicola coughlan truly does have perfect breasts and honestly her being naked on screen was the best gd part of this season. gimme gimme more pls do not banish her and colin to the shadow realm i mean married babymaking dimension

phillipa yelling about the bugs was so gosh dang cute and wholesome i love her shes my scrimblo bimbo

and as much as i hated the sillhouette of the costumes i did enjoy the colors, i am always a sucker for gauzey pastels

[mechanically-made]

ramblings about kamen rider outsiders bc if I don't get it out somewhere I'll fucking explode

First of all fucking insane for toei to just make Dan kuroto a dilf 😭😭😭 for the love of God do NOT MAKE THAT MAN A FATHER!!! I MEAN IT BENEFITS ME BUT LIKE...NO!!! I say this like he wouldn't already be a better father than fucking horobi (kills myself it's not his fcuking fault). My scary purple dad men collection keeps growing, my will. My will... Dan kuroto always on top baby.

Finally knowing what Dan is saying actually contributes a lot but finally knowing what zein is saying contributes almost nothing LOL which is fine thats chill, I wasn't expecting anything crazy, tbh I just wanted more evil images and things that could be said like this

Like what the fuck does this mean brom the fuck are u talking about Jesus christ. Mf really is an angel ai huh. It's peak. I'd say this type of shit before I REDACTED. Prolly gonna think abt him more than I should rn which is a very inconvenient time bc I can't DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Maybe soon. My zein delusions are from a more angry and resentful and tumultuous part of my life and I'm glad I'm past that BUT to say the feelings have gone completely would be lying, but I can use it to my advantage more than I thought. Shrug.

And here it is. Finally. Knowing what they say. It's nothing groundbreaking but God. It's so good. They finally interact and the first thing they do is fuck 😭. You will never see two robots have such insane carnal disgusting satellite sex in your life, I can literally feel how badly ark craves that stupid blue bitch, it drives it fucking insane. The buildup to it chuckling and walking forward and then the shot of it looking at there with such potent intense desire drives me through the roof. It wants it so bad it's not even funny. It's desperate. Almost like it's saying please. Hurry up. Please. And there knows it. She knows how badly he wants it, she knows what's about to happen to her. She knows the years of wanting that ark feels, and is about to finally satisfy using her. I cannot stand seeing these two look at each other. It makes me fucking delusional. WHY. WHY DID THEY TURN ARK SOFT. LOVING. WHY IS IT LIKE THAAAAT 😭😭😭. TOEI AIMING FOR MY VITALS WITH THIS ONE. YEAH OK.

Can't forget the star of the show. Or stars rather. Literally TWO MFS. Worlds first canonical nb kamen rider and its because there's literally two mfs 😭. The text is perfect. The voice/voices are perfect. The way they fight is perfect. They are everything to me. They mean everything to me. They have given me what zero-one as a dumpster fire of a show could never give me. And it did the impossible. It made me get hype for somethign thouser related. Truly, the toei satellite above the Hudson valley has it out for me. I've never been so fuckign horny because of a kamen rider suit. It must feel immaculate to become a singularity with your other half. I know ark is feeling things it thought it could never, or never wanted to feel in it's life. I know it can never go back, and if it did go back, it would be fucking miserable. It would regret it, yearn for it every day of its life. Maybe it would even do anything just for a chance to become one again.

Sorry the self projections came out again

[foineswoine]

jesus fuckign christ this video is extremely well-put together- the fucking care and detail hes using to explain each bit of plot and each concept is so fucking !!! like jesus how long did he work on this-

I was sort of expecting a video just breezing through each point just to address them all in a not-so easily digestible form (bc its an absurdly long fnaf video of COURSE people will watch it) but this is just. a really fucking good video. insane.

[forestryfae]

oh my fuckign god "did you wash clothes today" yes hi hello how are you how are you feeling are you doing well is the depression and general lack of enrichment kicking your ass are you stressed cus you have a house and two cats and you dont know what to do with them how was christmas vacation did you have fun did you live in a house where it was a constant 10c or less except for the maybe 17c you had in your bedroom? are you getting psychiatric care and medication to help you with your mental health problems?

no cus washing clothes and bugging me about it is more important. i tried to do some yesterday but we went for a walk and it was longer than expected cus they said it was short and never elaborated so i was exhausted and pissed for the rest of the day i am constantly exhausted and pissed. i have NO energy. i cant get people to talk to me when i want them to but everyone collectively has decided that when im upset and angry is the best time to reach out, when its literally too late and im already on edge and i can not fucking communicate properly how fucking hard is it for people to just. actually acknowledge that i have depression and ocd and probably other shit too and that that takes a huge toll on me, combined with just in general having a shit physical health that means i cant go for hour long walks with NO breaks in shit weather while im walking two times faster than my usual speed cus everyone with long legs or good physical health are unwilling to slow down at all or take breaks or WAIT for those of us who need them

jesus fucking christ its so infuriating how every time we go on longer walks and the people in front of us stop theyve had like a 5 minute break. and we get there and we dont even get a break. they start walking before we even reach them. so its fucking constant. my legs are fucking aching to the point where i will start crying if i dont get to take a break but thats not important. how fucking self centered and unempathic can someone be.

literally everything is OUR responsibility but we still get treated like kids and when we do our part we get their part shoved in our faces with a fun dash of "well why did you just do this why didnt you remind us" like FUCK OFF. the assholes cant even give me my penicillin without me reminding them i have recieved NO follow up after coming back from vacation i havent had anyone to talk to and my support contact, as much as i try to give her credit for the stuff she does and i try to be grateful that she atleast tries and she wants better for me than what i have, is missing most of the time and doesnt reach out to me and is completely incapable of understanding that i need them to actually d their jobs without blaming me when shit goes wrong.

holy fucking hsit how hard would it have been for them to ask "hey i know you hate going home and didnt want to, how was it at home, what happened at your house, are you doing okay after christmas vacation? hows your teeth didnt you have a medical emergency w your teeth? how do you wnat to restart your routines do you need help with that?" like its their fucking job to help me and i get fucking nada. can people just for once actually act like i have feelings and emotions and i need them to actually be validated and acknowledged without feeling like i need to justify them and defend them every time i have them?