#jenn has my heart

[transbookoftheday]

Leave Trans Kids Alone

Inspired by David Tennant's "Leave Trans Kids Alone You Absolute Freaks" shirt, here are some amazing trans middle grade and picture books you should read:

Book titles:

99% Chance of Magic by Amy Eleanor Heart, Abbey Darling and Luna Merbruja

Sir Callie and the Champions of Helston by Esme Symes-Smith

Jamie by L.D. Lapinski

Camp QUILTBAG by Nicole Melleby and A. J. Sass

Dear Mothman by Robin Gow

Moonflower by Kacen Callender

Joy, to the World by Kai Shappley and Lisa Bunker

Ana on the Edge by A.J. Sass

Girl Haven by Lilah Sturges, Meaghan Carter and Joamette Gil

Obie Is Man Enough by Schuyler Bailar

Alice Austen Lived Here by Alex Gino

The House That Whispers by Lin Thompson

Both Can Be True by Jules Machias

The Tea Dragon Festival by K. O'Neill

Different Kinds of Fruit by Kyle Lukoff

Jude Saves the World by Ronnie Riley

Tiger Honor by Yoon Ha Lee

The Ship We Built by Lexie Bean

Rabbit Chase by Elizabeth Lapensee, KC Oster and Aarin Dokum

Skating on Mars by Caroline Huntoon

Tally the Witch by Molly Landgraff

The Beautiful Something Else by Ash Van Otterloo

The Deep & Dark Blue by Niki Smith

The Fabulous Zed Watson! by Basil Sylvester and Kevin Sylvester

The Ojja-Wojja by Magdalene Visaggio and Jenn St-Onge

Too Bright to See by Kyle Lukoff

The One Who Loves You the Most by medina

Me and My Dysphoria Monster by Laura Kate Dale and Hui Qing Ang

When Aidan Became A Brother by Kyle Lukoff and Kaylani Juanita

Calvin by J.R. Ford, Vanessa Ford and Kayla Harren

[infinityinakiss]

avatrice au fic recommendations:

i don't think there is a single avatrice au fic that i haven't read so here are some my favorites. i tried to find ones that weren't as popular, so hopefully there are couple here you haven't read.

I want to believe by puppybusby @yashastrongarms - x files au - basically 23k of avatrice flirting while being incredibly reckless with alien shit. unfortunately, it is only a one shot that doesn't delve into their relationship, but it is so worth it. and the tension. woof.

Truly a Steadfast Love by StoicLastStand - medieval au - they have a whole series of ficlets, but this is one of my favorites. there's a tournament to win ava's hand in marriage, ava goes undercover to fight for her freedom, but she ends up falling for the very knight who everybody wants to win. i also love their lucifer au, Greater Sacrifices.

a lover, or something of mine by Smokestarrules - reincarnation au - each chapter is a different life with a different story, and i promise you, if you have anything that even resembles a heart, you will cry. i keep going back and rereading chapter 4 because apparently i love to hurt myself. i also love the world is just illusion (trying to change you) by them, it's a road trip au.

i should love you (and i swear i do) by Noteveryonefitsintothebadbitchgenre - harry potter au (fuck jk rowling) - its that trope where they're married and they talk about each other constantly but nobody actually knows they're married. their students all think that professor silva and professor young have a friendly rivalry, but there are a couple of moments that don't add up.

purple by sxftmelody - hitman au - technically, but really it's just sad, i always cry at the end. beatrice helps ava run away after a job, and slowly they open themselves up and start to fall in love. tw: major character death. also love turning page by the same author, mercenary/princess au.

in our corner of the world by definitelynotthere - roommate au - i know, i know, there's a thousand roommate aus, why would i recommend a fic that isn't even finished and will probably never get finished? i don't know, i just really love this one, and if you're like me, you'll go "ooh, two cakes" and read it anyway.

The last hero of Ogygia by jessnope - percy jackson au - specifically calypso au, ava is calypso and beatrice is the flirty hunter that washed up on her shore. it's super cute.

stay there, 'cause i'll be coming over (while our blood's still young) by britishngay - spiderman au - ava's character voice is actually designed to be spiderman, and bea is the perfect doctor lady that patches spidey up when she gets hurt. plus beatrice telling lilith to "shut up and sit down" will never not be iconic.

sunday people (sunday shines for you) by gilligankane @piratekane - another roommates au - jealous ava is back again and out for blood, specifically jenn-with-two-ns blood.

this is my prayer (I'm in love with you) by nyxtyka - my best friend's wedding/spies au - i'll be honest, this fic went to my marked for laters to die. i don't know if it'll ever be finished, but it is one of my favorite aus, i promise it'll be worth the pain.

spellbound by onomofication - witch au - beatrice is the witch in the woods that ava goes to to finally find a way to explore the world like she has always wanted to. but as she gets to know the surprisingly kind, serious, kinda-sorta witch, she discovers that maybe the world was smaller than she had once imagined. i also love another fic by this author, hit me with you best shot, which is basically a cupid au, where ava runs around trying to stop jc, a cupid, from shooting the love of her life, beatrice.

the celestial glow is blinding by understreetlights - firewatch au - did i think ava and beatrice sitting around, looking at trees, and falling love with each other through walkie talkies was going to be interesting? no, but the world loves to prove me wrong.

too cold, it's withdrawal by KatieQgle - captain america au - give this one a chance, even if you don't like marvel. beatrice is hot as fuck as bucky and honestly the winter soldier plot line needed a little sapphic yearning. come on, avatrice in the army in the 1940s, being badass and fighting nazis together? who wouldn't love that?

i have a ton more, reach out if you want them!

[snackugaki]

...man, i hate squawking in the text field, but the tags cannot contain me on this

ok so i’m a normal amount of normal about this. absolutely.

however...

i am also unattended and so my actions will prove why that is probably not great.

anyway, i love monikers, nom de plumes, sobriquets, y’know, pseudonyms if you will, code names even. 8D y’wanna know how I came up with them??????//?

okay okay okay, so! I will (until someone comes for me, but no one will ‘cuz y’all are cowards, I say, knowing my childhood nostalgia is doing a lot of the heavy lifting in my affection for Next Mutation but also i love camp) acknowledge and self-impose the title of Next Mutation trash lover as a disclaimer for why I’m gonna do another quick run down of Venus’ origin again. but a quick skim because a bitch is losing against her insomnia demon rn. 

now, a lot of the kids know that Venus = magic, in general. however, at least to me, intentionally or not Venus was more portrayed like a daoist... ‘magician’ of sorts, but less in a real world daoist sense and more of a cultivator in the xianxia genre sort of way. granted she wears the taijitu (yin yang symbol) and literally showed the boys her box of herbal medicine (and one dessicated vampire heart lololol). and now that I mentioned all of that, I can segue into why I gave her “White Snake” as a code name-- in that I chose it after Bai Suzhen/Bai Shejing which now that my insomnia riddled mind  is typing it out... my reasoning is actually pretty shallow, they both cultivate technically speaking, both work with herbal medicine and they just wanna help people. also just ‘cuz IDW has Venus wearing white now.

wao. thassit ig welp

jennika’s I just futz around with her name like jennika jenn i ka jen nika nikaaa niko niki nike nike like the greek goddess of victory. great. ok cool now ochre? no, mustard? no, gold? yes, ok nike gold it is lolz

‘cuz I was following the formula like in the show, Purple Knight, Yellow Submarine, Red King, Orange Pawn, Blue... something, Rook? Bishop? idk lemme alone but also there’s only so many chess pieces so I kept the color coding at least

then just asked tychou for what they’d think Mona Lisa’s code name’d be for as much as Venus and Jennika are my girls, Mona Lisa’s tychou’s.

[haechwrites]

wingwoman - L.MK

mark x fem!reader ft. jaemin

synopsis: mark has trouble pulling girls. he also has trouble understanding girls. this makes sense when he asks the best friend of his crush for help when it's blatantly obvious she's actually in love with him.

wc: ~9.5k

warnings: none??? unrequited love. mark is clueless. reader is a coward hehe. based in college. i say fem!reader bc they use she/her pronouns and refer to her as a "wingwoman," but honestly can be read as gender neutral?? ORIGINALLY WRITTEN IN FIRST PERSON, so ignore mistakes pls

A/N: my first published work woot woot i've had this written and sitting for so long. i love unrequited love and angst. this isn't that angsty but maybe if i get sad enough, i can write an angstier one! okay byeee

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

“You like him, don’t you?”

The mayo from your sandwich made a cartoonish splat onto the plate at the end of his question. Your head snapped over, looking at Jaemin incredulously for his unexpected inquiry. You were in the middle of a lovely meal with Mark in between classes. When Jaemin sat down to join halfway, You didn’t expect him to have an agenda in mind. You placed your sandwich down and checked to see how far Mark had gotten before you could speak. He had lost a round of rock, paper, scissors and was sent to buy drinks.

“What are you talking about?” You cleared your throat of whatever was left of your lunch. You knew exactly who and what he was talking about but you prayed it was something else. You didn’t want to have this discussion. Things could be laid out on this table that you're not yet ready to process, and not with Jaemin of all people. It’s not like you and Jaemin aren’t close. You're just both the same kind of person, the type of person who doesn’t like to express their feelings. So it was odd that Jaemin was even asking about your personal life.

“Mark. You like him, right?“ He raised a single eyebrow, tempting you to deny his claim. How could he admit your feelings so easily when it’s something you've been struggling to grasp for a month?

You wiped the crumbs off your hands onto your jeans, and maybe some nervous sweat too.

“No. I mean. He likes Jenn.” You stated it like it was the most obvious thing in the world, trying hard to make it seem like that fact didn’t bother you. You automatically looked down and start picking at the crumbs.

Jaemin hummed, “I asked if you like him. Not who he likes. I know who he likes.” 

The last statement felt like a stab in the chest, because, of course, you do too. Mark likes your roommate, your friend since high school. That was the only reason you were sitting at this table, the only reason you were able to have this conversation with one of his best friends. If he didn’t reach out to you during your Anatomy class together about helping him get with your friend, you wouldn’t even be here in this situation right now. At first, you were honestly offended by his request. However, after seeing the charm he very much lacked, you understood why he was desperate. It was a pitiful acceptance, but you wish you never agreed. Being reminded of your purpose in his life always tore you apart because Jaemin’s assumption is right; you do like Mark. 

Maybe that slight bitterness in your heart is what pushed you to confess to Jaemin, one of Mark’s friends and not the man himself. You took another quick glance at Mark to see him fumbling with his change at the vending machine to get you a drink. You couldn’t help but smile fondly at him and quickly realize how screwed you are. Jaemin followed your eyes and smiled to himself knowing he was right. It wasn’t difficult to figure out. The only person that didn’t know was Mark, and maybe Jenn.

You sighed and turned back to him, a month of feelings bursting at your lips.

“Okay, fine. I like Mark. But I swear to you, I’m not going to do anything. It literally doesn’t matter. He likes Jenn and I’m helping him pursue Jenn. I know I’m an idiot for getting my feelings tangled up in all of this, but I really care for Mark, so I’m not gonna let something as stupid as this get in the way of that. I’m gonna keep helping him and if I get to continue being his friend after they get together, great! But if our relation-friendship ends there, then that’s also fine. It-“ You hesitated, looking at the pity and confusion on Jaemin’s face. “It’s completely fine,” You said quieter, the weight of your ramble finally hitting you. You didn’t realize how pathetic this whole situation was till your thoughts left your head and were actually voiced. 

Jaemin made a sound of disapproval, getting ready to speak before a can of Milkis was placed in front of your plate.

“What’d I miss?” Mark asked, swiftly sliding his body onto the bench. “I cleaned the top already,” He says, tapping your drink.

You smiled with gratitude, before quickly snapping back into wing woman mode. Like it was second nature.

“Jenn wants to catch a movie this weekend, wanna come? Maybe bring Jeno or Jaemin,” your eyes flickered to the man that just watched you word-vomit your inner thoughts. “So it’s less sus, you know?” 

Mark’s eyes lit up immediately, the smile on his face lifting his cheekbones to match the pure joy in his eyes. The green in you only faltered your smile slightly. When has he ever smiled like that for me?, you thought.

“Jaem, what do you say? Wanna come?” Mark asked.

Jaemin looked at you as you avoided his eyes. He took a big bite of his food before saying, “I’d rather not.” 

Mark instantly pouted and slapped Jaemin’s arms multiple times, whining that it’d be fun. Jaemin continued taking bites of his food, unfazed by Mark’s slaps and silently refusing. You giggled at the sight, but something in your stomach felt uneasy now that Jaemin knows. 

Everyone continued finishing up their meals and Mark asked you about this weekend and what movies Jenn likes. You took a sip of your drink and let the carbonation burn your throat. Hopefully, your abrupt confession helps you in this predicament. Having at least one person know would be good, right?

You peered up at Jaemin and his eyes were trained strictly on you, sending goosebumps down your arms. 

Maybe not.

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

A month has passed since your confession to Jaemin and two and a half months have passed since Operation Jump Jenn began — name courtesy of Haechan, objectively not his best work but you got outvoted. Ever since you started hanging out with Mark and helping out with his love life situation, your friend groups began to merge and you all grew extremely close. It feels like you're known the boys since birth, despite meeting only this year. Due to this and because everyone is all in on Operation Jump Jenn, a camping trip was planned together — more like “glamping” because tents were swapped for a nice cabin. The goal was to get Mark and Jenn some alone time whether it be on a hike or by the campfire. Haechan said they should go as far as making them share a bed, but he quickly earned a smack in the head from Renjun. 

The crew had just arrived at the cabin this morning and scurried into the rooms they self-assigned, or should you say argued over, in the car ride up. You obviously got put with Jenn and your friend, Sumin, while the boys fought over who could sleep with Renjun. Surprisingly, Jeno came out victorious.

“Okay, I’m done! I’m gonna go help the boys figure out groceries,” Jenn got up and brushed the dust off her pants.

“Oh, you’ll need backup,” Sumin laughed and trailed after her, leaving you alone in your shared room.

You took your time unpacking just because driving partially took a lot out of you. The bed was looking extra nap-able. Your body soreness also probably came from craning your neck so much to look at Mark and Jenn in the backseat. It was torturous, but you couldn’t look away. It was like self-sabotage.

A light knock on the door caught your attention and you told the person to come in. It was Mark.

Not even trying to hide the immediate smile on your face, you got up off the floor. 

“Hey, did you unpack already?”

“Haechan owes me for something, so I made him do it for me.” He sighs happily before plopping onto the bed, basking in his zero responsibilities.

You scoffed and smacked his thigh, “You’re wearing your outside clothes!” You log rolled him over to his side but he quickly positioned himself back.

“All we did was drive,” he whined. “I think our clothes should be relatively clean.” He patted the empty spot next to him. You obviously obliged.

You leaned over to him and jokingly sniffed, “Yeah, but you smell a little.”

Mark mocked offense and grabbed you by the shoulders to pull you into a tight hug, laughing evilly at your cries.

“Then get a gooood smell,” He trapped you in, shaking you around. You pretended to cough on his odor and he gasped. Mark pulled back to look at your face and you were already laughing. 

He gave a light flick to your forehead, “Jerk.”

You simply smiled, shoving him away from you before the butterflies in your stomach could get even worse. You had to take a deep breath just to calm down and remind yourself of your place. 

“When we have to grocery shop later, you should volunteer with Jenn. She’s already making the list so I’m sure she’ll wanna take over the shopping part as well.” With your eyes trained on the ceiling, the advice just flowed naturally out of you like always. You laid there expecting him to jump up at the idea. 

Mark propped his head up with his elbow and looked at you from the side, “I’m kinda tired.”

You rolled your eyes, “You’re stupid. You gotta take every opportunity you can get. Jenn’s a little tough to break through and get to know. She’s shy, remember?” You poked his nose and he scrunched at you.

“True,” he pouted. Mark reached over to grab a strand that came loose from your bun after he practically strangled you. He gently brushed it aside and you felt your whole body freeze. Two attacks in one day? Your poor heart.

You cleared your throat and shot up. You grabbed his hand and yanked him with you, to which he instantly groaned. 

“C’monnn, let’s goooo,” you pleaded, shaking his arm. “I don’t have the energy to pull you up.” 

He used both hands to grab your arm and pulled himself up, leaving you both face to face. You instantly took a step back, frazzled once again. Mark was never good at hiding his facial expressions. It was what made getting close to him so easy. You felt like you could read his mind, and sometimes you dive deeper than he expects. He looked at you a little confused by your distance and you simply gave his arm a squeeze, not wanting to look too suspicious. He smiled. 

Mark naturally wrapped his arm around your shoulders to pull you closer and walked the two of you out of the room, “Let’s gooo.” 

If he could read you the way you read him, you're sure he’d push you away.

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Scrubbing hard at the dishes, you cursed myself for being so bad at rock, paper, scissors. Yes, it’s a game of luck, but you must have the worst luck in the world to always lose to Lee Haechan. You could hear him snickering at the dining table behind you, smacking on the marshmallows they were about to roast. 

“Haechan! Stop snacking and bring those outside,” Jaemin snapped, coming in to bring in more dishes from dinner. 

“Yessir!” Haechan mocked a salute and scrambled outside to where Mark and Jenn were setting up the campfire. Jeno and Sumin were looking for more firewood and Renjun went to take a post-dinner nap. 

Jaemin bumped you with his hip, scooting you over as he started rinsing your dishes.

“You’re helping?” you asked, shocked that someone would willingly wash dishes. 

“Should I stop?” He smiles, threatening to let go of the plate.

“No! No. No. I appreciate the help.” 

Jaemin laughs, “That’s what I thought.”

You both stand there quietly washing what felt like millions of dishes. Spending time alone with Jaemin was never uncomfortable, but there were always moments when your mind gets in the way and you think about what he knows. 

It’s like he can read your thoughts because he suddenly asks, “Is this trip gonna be okay for you?“

Suddenly hyper-focused on the crust of the pan, you didn’t dare make eye contact with him. 

“What do you mean?”

Jaemin takes the pan from you and starts scrubbing himself. You instantly occupy yourself with another dish.

He sighs, “I mean, usually when we set the two up, we’re never actually there to witness how it goes. It must suck to watch them laugh and be happy like that.” His words burn.

You hiss at the realization and almost drop the cup you were gripping. Jaemin tuts and grabs the cup from your hand. His hand on your wrist is tight, begging you to look up. You chew on your inner cheek, hesitantly lifting your eyes to match his. 

“It’s only the first day, but we have a whole week. If you ever need to get away from all of this, you find me, okay?” The brown in his eyes is warm and inviting, and his facial structures soften when he’s talking to you. He’s chewing on his bottom lip and you could see how nervous he is for you. You slowly release his grip from your wrist and you hold his hand lightly.

“Thank you, Jaem. But I’ll be okay. I’ve made it this far,” You meekly smile. Your eyes darted to the side of his face to look outside the window where Jenn is throwing marshmallows up in the air for Mark to catch. He looks so happy. Maybe even in love. And that look wasn’t for you. The ache in your chest returns and you hope Jaemin doesn’t catch on. You don’t know what it is that made you so sensitive in this moment, but your vision blurred slightly with tears. 

“You sure about that?” He teases, wiping the tear that managed to slip. 

“You’re gonna get soap in my eyes,” you scowl, but laugh at how pathetic you're being. He gently blows the suds off your face and you could feel them being replaced with a peachy rose tint on your cheeks.

“C’mon, let’s hurry. They’re gonna eat all the marshmallows and your terrible scrubbing is slowing me down. Jesus, Y/N, I’m finding so many missed food spots.”

Your jaw dropped and you scrubbed harder, “It’s dark in here and my arms are tired from driving! Leave me alone.”

Jaemin looks at you from his peripheral to see you practically scrubbing the varnish off the plates and he smiles. He hopes you'll be okay, but also a part of him hopes you'll seek comfort in him if needed. Was that too much or too selfish to wish for?

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

For the rest of the glamping days, you're unintentionally glued to Jaemin’s side. Every activity planned for this trip ended up with you being paired up with him: paddle boarding, hiking, cliff jumping, grilling, and so on. Every partner assignment was decided by rock, paper, scissors, and somehow the two of you kept doing the same one. Some would say it's fate, but Jaemin would call it cheating. He was lucky that Renjun hasn’t caught him changing his hands last minute to copy yours. Truth be told, Jeno noticed a while ago, but decided to let his best friend have his fun. 

The universe likes to play its games too. And that’s how you ended up being partnered with Mark for canoeing. You almost fought it till you saw how happy Jenn was to canoe with Sumin. Mark simply shrugged and grabbed two life vests for you guys.

He offered to strap it in for you and you were looking at everything but his face. Unfortunately, you could still feel the steady rhythm of his breath catching up to the racing of your heart. 

“I feel like I haven’t talked to you in ages,” Mark said to break the ice. It was true though. Your wing woman duties on this trip were basically minimal as the group joined efforts to get the two together at all costs. It took a lot off of you and you were happily distracted by Jaemin. 

“I bet you got a lot of talking done with Jenn though.” you gave him a closed mouth smile, trying to find the positives of your distance, for his sake and yours.

Mark looked at you with anything but happiness. Shouldn’t he be happy? At this rate, Jenn and he are close to making it official. 

“I just missed you,” Mark stated like he was releasing air from his lungs. You had your shield up and you were ready to combat it with another sentence about how well his love life is looking. But you saw the look in his eyes and the way his body looked defeated. You tightened the strap on his life jacket and patted over his heart.

“I missed you too,” you replied. It was something you weren't letting yourself admit this entire week. Like fireworks, a smile instantly erupted on his face and he grabbed your hands from his straps, giving your palm a swift kiss before dragging you to your boat.

Your insides screamed at his gesture and your legs failed to move as you stumbled after him. It was like you were in a Mark drought and he was the single drop of water you needed to beg for more. 

The remaining of the afternoon was spent paddling in circles and laughing till your throats were dry at your horrible rowing skills. An oar was even lost in the process. Mark also clumsily fell in while trying to reach for a duck. Being the good person you are, you jumped in after him so he wasn’t alone. Admittedly, it looked more fun than sitting in one place on the canoe. 

Mark cackled at the life jacket forcing you to bob up and down in the water, making you look like a little kid drowning. 

“You look so stupid,” he says in the middle of laughing, accidentally swallowing some lake water.

“Jerk!” you splashed him and he’s sputtering, trying to get the taste out of his mouth. His jaw drops when he realized what you did and he looks at you so seriously. Your hands are ready to splash him again and the water fight begins. You're hurling water toward each other for a good five minutes before he concedes, whining about potentially losing a contact. 

You swim towards him, grabbing his face to check his eyes. His contacts were very clearly still intact. You're about to call him out for lying when he suddenly spits water onto your face. 

“Marcus Lee.” you threaten him, still holding onto his face. Your eyes are shut in disgust. 

You wipe the water off your face and open your eyes to see him grinning evilly. 

“That’s not even my name,” Mark giggles.

“‘Mark Lee’ doesn’t have the same impact,” you shrug, moving your hands to his shoulders to stay afloat. 

He smiles fondly, holding onto your elbows lightly. The feeling in his chest felt as good as the sun resting on his backside. The warmth of the sunset reflected off your lake-soaked cheeks, plump from laughing, and something stirred in his chest. Something a little too similar to the feeling he was forcing when he was with Jenn. It was the feeling Mark had wished he felt when with her. 

Scared of this new emotion, he let go of you and scrambled to climb back into the canoe. He quickly mumbled about wanting to get back before it got dark. You floated there a little confused by his urgency, but followed suit anyways. He tossed you a towel and out of nowhere gained the skills of a professional rower and got you back to the shore in no time. Without even looking back, he trudged towards the cabin, leaving you with the setting sun, cold and confused.

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

“So he just left you there?” Renjun asks, scrolling through Netflix to pick a show to watch. It was just the two of you since the rest were too tired from today’s activities.

“Mhmm. It was so weird.” 

“I can check up on him in the morning since he’s asleep now. But he probably just had the shits. You know Mark.” He finally settled on an episode of New Girl.

You took a sip of your hot cocoa and pondered the chances. “Mmm true.”

Renjun laughs at your agreement and grabbed a blanket for the both of you.

“But you both had fun, right?” He asks, not really paying attention to the show at all. It seemed like he just wanted to talk and you were fine with that.

“Yeah, I mean we didn’t spend much time together this trip which is pretty rare for us. But you know, The Operation takes priority,” you took another sip to clear the knot that suddenly formed in your throat.

“You probably missed him a loooot, huh?” Renjun hid his smirk behind the mug.

“A normal amount… what are you grabbing at?“ you narrowed your eyes at him and leaned back, surveying his body language. He looked like he was holding something in.

“Oh my god,” he bursts. “Can you just tell me already?” He sets his cup down and grabs your forearms.

“Huh? Tell you what?” Where is this coming from?, you think. You set your cup down too out of precaution.

“I’m not stupid, Y/N. I know you like him, so I need you to confirm it so we can talk freely,” he waved his hands in the air like he was a therapist trying to get you to spill. You almost laughed at how ridiculous he looked.

Your hand slapped against his mouth and you did a quick look around the room. No peeping heads.

“How did you figure it out?“ you whisper-screamed. You could feel the very foundation of Mark's and your friendship crumble. 

“Imph phnot phstupidmph,” He muffles out.

“Huh?” You question stupidly and he glares at you, sharply pointing at your hand. “Oh, duh.”

Renjun clears his throat, “I said I’m not stupid. And considering how much time Jaemin has been spending with you, I’m guessing he knows too.” You look at the wall behind his head, feeling guilty.

“I don’t know why you would tell him before me though. We were lab buddies first before you met Jaemin. Not fair, Y/N.” He huffs, crossing his arms. If the security of your love life wasn’t falling apart at this very moment, you would’ve found him endearing.

“Do you think anyone else has figured it out?” you ask.

“No, I’m like the only smart one,” Renjun scoffs.

“Wrong!” A voice booms from the hallway. Haechan walks in yawning, fully decked out in a matching set of pajamas. He takes a swig from Renjun’s hot cocoa, earning him a smack. 

He sits down to your right and smiles, “I found out like 2 weeks after you and Mark met.” 

“Damn, you found out before Jaemin did,” You admitted. Not even shocked or worried that a third person knows, You sat there dumbfounded.

“Yesss!” Haechan pumps the air and proceeds to take another sip but this time from your cup. You tsked and gave him a flick before grabbing your mug back.

“Okay, so now what?” Renjun asks like there was more to this.

You furrowed your eyebrows, “What do you mean ‘now what’?”

Haechan doesn’t even look surprised but Renjun is staring at you like you offended him.

“You’re just… not gonna do anything? Ignore your feelings?” Haechan nodded along with Renjun’s questioning. The angel and the devil on your shoulders, or should I say devil and devil.

“Renjunie, that’s what I’ve been doing, I don’t know if you’ve noticed. I’m the wing woman. I’d be betraying my duty.” You said this like a mantra, a mantra you're been telling yourself for the past few months.

“What about the duty to your heart?” 

“Gross,” Haechan chimes in. It earned a scrunch of your nose and a weird look. 

“I regretted it the minute I said it,” Renjun slouches defeatedly. 

“Look, I appreciate the concern. Jaemin gives me these talks all the time, and trust me, it won’t change my mind. I love Mark too much to get in the way of his happiness. And all for what? Because I have these feelings? That’s ridiculous.” 

Haechan and Renjun looked at you with even more pity in their eyes, which is more than you usually see from Jaemin.

“What?”

“It’s worse than I thought,” Haechan whispers.

“You love him.”

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

On the morning of the last day, you notice Mark is avoiding you at all costs. He’s even avoiding Jenn. Everyone was packing up the car and he completely took over, not letting anyone touch the luggage or the car. You tugged Renjun to the side to ask what was up and he simply shrugged, saying he doesn’t know what was going on. 

When you all make your first pitstop, You and Jaemin are buying snacks for the group. You see Mark staying in the driver’s seat, claiming that he can go the whole way. Both of you give each other concerned looks and Jaemin says he has an idea.

His idea ended up being you switching places with Haechan to sit in the passenger seat, much to his complaints about getting car sick. He does not get motion sick, by the way, especially as the man who has ridden all the rides at Six Flags not once, but twice in one day. 

The only time Mark looks at you is to see you climb into the passenger seat. From then on, his grip on the wheel is tight and his eyes are trained on the road. You even offer to do directions for him, but he immediately declines. His cold behavior leaves a weird feeling blooming in your chest and you almost feel sick, regretting the decision to buy a gas station hot dog.

A few hours passed and Haechan and Renjun are knocked out from their endless karaoke and the rest of them followed suit after finally getting some peace and quiet. 

“Hey,” you whisper to Mark. “Mark.”

His eyebrows perk up, maybe not expecting you to initiate conversation. “What’s up?”

“Are you good?”

He nervously twists his hands around the wheel. “Yeah, dude. I’m fine.”

You looked him up and down, not believing him at all. “Then are we good?”

“Why wouldn’t we be?” He says with a hint of offense. You grip the sleeves of your hoodie a little tighter. He’s never talked to you this way. 

“I-I don’t know. You just seem a little off today, that’s all.” You half confessed. He’s more than just a little off. His behavior was making the air tense and you wished Jaemin didn’t convince you to take the front seat. You chose to stare out the window instead.

“Y/N, there’s nothing wrong. I’m just missing my space, okay?” Mark says sternly, giving you the affirmative sign to leave him alone. Tears instantly prick the corner of your eyes at his tone. Mark has always been a cheerful presence in your life so for these words to be spat at you like this… It felt horrible. It felt like his bad mood was your fault. You tug the hood of your jacket up further and you turned away from him even more, not wanting to make it worse.

“Sounds good,” you managed to mutter, popping in your headphones so you didn’t have to hear any more from him.

Mark spares a glance at you and his eyes instantly soften. Something in his chest twists at the way you're turned away from him, in his favorite hoodie. Jaemin is looking from the seat behind; he’s been watching. He sighs and reminds himself to switch places with you at the next pitstop. 

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Finals season hits the minute you all get back from your trip and the only time your group meets up is to study in the library. Mark, who is usually a huge advocate for group studies, is suddenly a solo studier. You haven’t seen him in a week and when you sought out Jenn, she reports the same thing. 

Thankfully and unfortunately, your finals were extra rough this semester and you essentially had no time to worry about him. Occasionally, you'd send him texts with your class notes to check up on him, but all you'd get in response is a simple thumbs up. 

Jaemin decided to change the scenery and study at a cafe near campus. He had two more exams left, but you only had one so you were definitely more relaxed than he was. You ordered a slice of cake and a pastry and munched away as he tackled his workload. You occasionally fed him bites here and there.

An hour into the study session, the food settled in your stomach as well as the repressed feelings about Mark. You twirled your straw as you stared at Jaemin typing, trying to decide if now was a good time to bother him.

“You’re staring,” He says, continuing to type. 

“Yup.” you say, popping your lips. 

“Is my handsomeness not blinding?” He smirks, eyes still on his screen. He wiggles his eyebrows teasingly.

You gag and shove a spoon of cake into his mouth. “Nevermind, no more talking. I don’t wanna throw up the food I paid for.”

He laughs and finally lifts his hands off the keyboard. Jaemin takes a sip of his deadly concoction with eight shots of espresso to wash down the cake and raises his eyebrows.

“You can ask, you know?”

You roll your lips in and tap at the table, suddenly too shy to ask.

“Okay, then I’ll just assume and answer. Mark is… weird. Mark’s not really acting like himself right now if I’m being completely honest,” Jaemin admits. He’s lazily poking his ice with the straw, waiting to see your reaction. 

“Hmm,” you pretend to ponder his words, suddenly struck with worry. Even though you're still hurt by his actions from the ride back and his sudden desire to avoid you for a week, you can’t help but care. It was almost annoying how much you want to text him, despite his lack of interest in you. It annoyed Jaemin more.

“Why do you do this to yourself?” 

Your eyes perked up, shocked by Jaemin’s change in tone.

“He dismissed you on the car ride back. He’s ignored you this entire week. He doesn’t even say thank you when you send him your notes. Why-” He shakes his head, aggravated. “Why are you still worrying about him?”

“Jaemin… you know why.”

“Listen, I love Mark like a brother. But he doesn’t deserve you. You’ve done so much for him with this whole Jenn situation, it’s just not fair to you.” Jaemin says this so seriously, you feel frozen in my spot. You’ve probably heard these words leave his mouth a million times, but today it felt different. His words weighed differently. 

“I don’t know what else to do, Jaemin. This is the only thing I can do. It’s the only thing I know how to do.”

“He’s not even appreciative of it!” Jaemin pushes further, growing more desperate to have you hear his words, praying they stick this time. “You don’t need to put yourself through this for his sake.”

You're flattening a piece of the cake with a fork as you actually consider his words. With Mark distancing himself, your mind feels a little clearer, more room for thoughts. 

“I wouldn’t be friends with him in the first place if I didn’t agree to be his wing woman. It’s why I’m in his life in the first place. I’m… I’m too scared to risk it.” 

Jaemin decides he’s had enough and shuts his laptop, too angry to work. “You’re an idiot if you think he’s only keeping you around because you’re close to Jenn. Why do you value yourself so little? Do you think we’re just friends because we’re both in Operation Jump Jenn? No, Y/N. We’re friends because I like you.”

Jaemin sucks in his breath, at his poor word choice; he looks like he’s in pain. If only she knew I meant it differently, he thinks to himself. 

He continues, “So why would Mark, after all this time, not think of you as more than just a wing woman?” 

The area around your eyes sting and you could feel yourself fighting back tears. Your lips tremble, choking back a sob. Jaemin’s eyes widen and his hands twitch wanting to hold yours, but he pulls himself back.

“I still can’t tell him. Things won’t be the same.” 

The look of pity Jaemin usually gives you is replaced by frustration, and maybe some disappointment. You fidget under his stare, tightly wrapping your arms around your waist. He shakes his head.

“Mark doesn’t deserve you if he leaves you after finding out how you feel. You really think he’d do that? Do you think that lowly of him?” He rests his hands on the table and he looks at you, urging you to try to defend yourself. But his words sink deeper. He’s right, do you really think that lowly of Mark?

You sighed in defeat and in exhaustion. You were at a loss for words, having your thoughts psychoanalyzed in front of you. You don’t think lowly of Mark at all. Shouldn’t you have more faith in him? In us?, you think.

“Why do you have to be so smart?” you glare at Jaemin. He immediately relaxes, smiling in return. He was staring at you for so long, trying to figure out what was going on inside your brain. He was on the edge of his seat, terrified that you'd drop him for his candor. Or that you caught on to his little confession.

He shrugs in response, “Pre-med.”

“You’re annoying,” you laugh, giving his foot a kick. Jaemin laughs with you and opens up his laptop again. You both work for another minute before he stops to look up at you again.

“Hey. I’m sorry if I went too far.” Instead of grabbing your hand, he traps one of your legs with his two. He swings it back and forth with a pout on his face, begging for you two to be okay.

“No, no, I needed that. Thank you for looking out for me.” Your chest warms, knowing that you have someone as lovely as Na Jaemin on your side. 

You lean forward and pinch his cheek, “How’d I get so lucky with a friend like you?” 

His face falters for a second before snapping back into a smile. He playfully licks your hand and you pull it back in disgust.

“You got me for life unfortunately.”

“Mmm, unfortunately,” you fake pout. 

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

After your talk with Jaemin, it took you embarrassingly two days to figure out what to do next. Mark still isn’t talking to you and as much as it pains you, it’s actually given you the space to think. You finally decided to do something you should’ve done months ago.

“Do you like Mark?”

Jenn chokes on her sandwich and you scramble to hand her a glass of water, patting her shoulder lightly. Maybe you should’ve timed that better.

“Huh?” There was something swirling around in Jenn’s eyes. Confusion. Pure confusion. It was not what you expected at all. 

“I don’t know, do you like Mark?” you repeated, bracing yourself for her answer. 

She looked at you and did a quick once over. Jenn realized you were serious and brushed the crumbs off her hands before settling in her lap. 

“Mark’s cool. He talks a lot. The only reason we hang or talk is because of you and the boys. That’s kind of what it feels like for me and Mark. I don’t know… sometimes his behavior towards me feels forced. I thought he was just acting this way because I’m your best friend.” She took a sip, looking up and thinking about what more she could say about Mark Lee. 

“Wait. What do you mean by that?” The pit in your stomach appears. Did she figure out The Operation?

“Isn’t he just getting on good terms with me because he likes you? I don’t like him, by the way.” Jenn let those words flow out of her mouth as if it was the only thing to say. Like this is how she felt for months. 

“Huh?!” It was your turn to be confused. Never in your friendship with Mark have you considered your feelings being returned. You also never expected it to be implied by the person Mark is literally crushing on. 

“Wait. Was that not obvious? Every time Mark and I hung out, it just felt… like he was looking for something in me. It was strange. I just assumed it was because he wanted to look good in your eyes like ‘Hey! I’m buddy buddy with the bestie of my crush!’” She waved her fork in the air as she spoke and finally stabbed it into a potato wedge for a bite. 

“This is insane.” you sat there, appetite gone. Jenn never reciprocated feelings towards Mark. Jenn thought Mark liked me?, you thought. It felt like your efforts and feelings from the past few months were tumbling down. You were a step away from a spiral.

“What’s insane is that you thought I liked Mark. Don’t you like him?” 

You suddenly started choking on your spit and Jenn was quick to hand you a glass of water. 

For the rest of the meal, you explained everything to Jenn. From Mark approaching you in class, Haechan coming up with the horrible operation name (to which she gagged), and Jaemin’s talk with you from the other day. She was taken completely by surprise. To be fair, Jenn has always been pretty and has had people of all genders try their hand at flirting with her. She’s always been numb to it, so it’s not surprising that Mark and his loser-like charm didn’t come across as romantic. You use the word ‘loser’ in the nicest way. 

At the end of it all, Jenn is furious.

“I can’t believe he’s ignoring you. And for no reason? After all you did for him? Albeit, it didn’t work, and I hope you never try to set anyone else up with me ever again.” At that, you gave her a guilty smile and offered to buy her boba. 

“Deal. Anyways, that’s fucking ridiculous. What’s his problem?”

“I don’t know,” you said, picking at your fries. “He asked for space so I’m just gonna give it to him.”

Jenn nods and you avoid her pity stares.

“Jenn… I don’t know what I’m gonna do if I lose him, even as a friend. I-I really like him and I’m so so scared. Like the only two ways I can see this going is him continuing to ignore me and we drift or… or I listen to Jaemin and be honest with him about how I feel. And then he decides to stop being friends with me.”

“Okay, the second one is bullshit. You know Mark wouldn’t do that. He’d freak out, yeah, but he wouldn’t cut you off for that.” She scolds you, before taking another bite of your fries.

“I know. I knooow. But it’s still a fear I have. I’m telling you I’d rather be his friend and make a permanent home in this one sided love affair if it means I can still be in his life. That’s how insane my mind is.” You plop your head in your hands and let out what felt like a four-month-long repressed groan. 

“Y/N. You are probably the worst person for yourself.” Jenn clicks her teeth before hand-feeding you a fry, which you sadly munch on.

You sigh, “Yeah…”

“Yeah,” Jenn winces, before pulling you in for a hug.

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Mark Lee is spiraling. 

“No because when she looked at me when we were out on that lake, I swear my heart was on steroids. I felt like my whole body was covered in tiny hearts and they were all beating at the same time. It was insane.”

“Uh huh,” Haechan mutters another one word response for what felt like the hundredth time today. He flipped through another page of the magazine before tossing it and reaching for Mark’s Nintendo switch. He shook it in Mark’s face as he paced back and forth.

“Huh? Oh yeah, go for it. Anyways, and when we drove home that day, dude, you should’ve seen the look on her face. I hurt her so bad, but it was like my body was on auto-pilot. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Like my brain and my heart were so confused. Because I like Jenn. I like Jenn, right? But why don’t I get those tiny hearts with her?”

“I don’t know, man. Damn, I can’t catch this stupid spider.” Haechan curses, twiddling his thumb on the remote trying to find joy in Animal Crossing.

“And now I’m not talking to both of them. But it doesn’t feel like I’m avoiding Jenn, but I can feel that I’m avoiding Y/N and it’s killing me.”

“Then. Talk. To. Her.” Haechan enunciates every time he hits a button on the switch.

“Who?” Mark asks, dumbfounded. Mark has had this same exact conversation with Haechan at least twice a day for the past week. If he wasn’t studying, he was bribing Haechan with food to come to his apartment to ramble. 

“Stupid spider,” Haechan slams the game on the couch cushion. “And stupid you. How many times do you have to circle around these same thoughts before you figure it out? Do I really have to say it, Mark? I’m trying to save you the embarrassment of admitting something so obvious.” He leans back, crossing his arms to assert some dominance in this situation. It’s ridiculous how many times Haechan has been tricked by food and games to be trapped in Mark’s apartment for the second time today. 

Mark just blinks, mouth slightly agape.

Haechan tilts his head, poking his cheek with his tongue. He raises his eyebrows, urging him to think just a little harder.

Mark finally looks up, as if a new thought crossed his mind. He gasps softly.

He covers his mouth as he mumbles, “No way…”

Haechan rolls his eyes at his dramatics, “Yes way.”

Mark pokes himself hard in the chest, “Do I like Y/N?”

“And he figures it out!” Haechan sarcastically cheers, clapping his hands. “Now can you buy me some actual food please?”

“No no no. Sit down. Because now we need to discuss this.” Mark starts pulling at his hair, even more stressed out than he was before.

“Oh my GOD,” Haechan screams. “What is there to discuss? You like her! Go tell her!”

Mark’s eyes bugged out as if Haechan turned into a mythical being. “Are you insane? No, scratch that. Am I insane? I started talking to her because I liked her best friend. I asked her to help me get close to her best friend. Our entire relationship is essentially built on this crush and you want me to tell her that I like her? Oh god, she has to hate me. She definitely hates me.” 

Mark stopped pacing and dropped to the ground in a squat. He’s full-on gripping his hair and Haechan is just watching. He forgot that Mark technically doesn’t know she likes him back and he pities him for a second before thinking he’s stupid again for not noticing. Everyone noticed. 

Mark finally raises his head and his face is left with tear trails. Haechan gets up immediately and wraps his arms around Mark’s shoulders.

“Oh, Marky,” Haechan sighs.

“Shit.”

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Mark (anatomy): hello!

Mark (anatomy): hi

Mark (anatomy): hey

Mark (anatomy): oh God sorry. I didn’t know which one to send and i accidentally sent them all

Mark (anatomy): HAHAHAH uhhh…

Mark (anatomy): can we talk? I wanna apologize in person.

You couldn’t help but laugh rereading Mark’s texts from this morning as you waited for him at the park. It took you an hour on your own and a 30-minute encouragement session with Jenn to work the confidence to agree to meet him. As nervous as you were to hear what he has to say, you missed him most of all and just wanted to see him. You sat on the second swing on the right, the same one you sat in when the two of you met outside of class the first time.

“Y/N?”

“Oh! Hi,” You got up from the swing to greet him, feeling a bit awkward. You could sense he felt weird too. 

You and Mark are simply classmates. You've been paired up in group projects a couple of times in class and when you see each other on campus, you both timidly wave. But most of the time, you're staring at the back of his head in class, wondering what it’d be like to sit next to him and talk.

So when he asked for your number and texted to meet at the park, your heart felt like it was about to jump out of your chest. Could he see you boring holes into his head or does he look at you the same way?

You wiped your hands on your dress and clasped them in front of you as he stood in his spot, about two feet away.

Why did I wear a dress?, you thought. This is so embarrassing. I look like I’m dressed for a date.

“You look nice,” He says, smiling to break the ice and simultaneously ridding you of your fashion doubts.

“Oh. Thanks,” you force a laugh, also trying to break the ice. “Um, why did you ask me to meet at a park?”

His eyes lit up and he chuckled, “I thought it’d be a good place for some scheming. You know, like in the movies.”

You blinked a few times, not quite catching on. “Scheming?”

He took the swing next to you and sat down. You copied his actions, twisting to look at him. He kicked up to catch some air and swung slightly.

“Okay, this is going to be weird, because I know you barely know me.” Not true, I thought. “But I wanted to ask you a favor. Half of my friends think I’m a dick for this and the other half say that you look understanding, so maybe I should give it a shot. Jaemin was super against it though, so I feel like I’m about to pee my pants right now. I thought about it for like two days and decided, you know what? It wouldn’t hurt to see how you felt, so here I am.” He used his feet as breaks as he finished his ramble to look at you, to seriously look at you.

Your grip on the swings tightens and you can smell the rust smearing on your palms. You can’t believe you get to see your crush this close to your face and he wants to ask you a favor. Your chest feels bubbly with anticipation. You nod, asking him to continue.

“I like Jenn.” The bubbles pop.

“O-oh,” you say. Your mouth has gone completely dry and the wind picked up to blow strands in your face. You quickly brush them away and swallow.

“You… you like my Jenn?” I tightly tuck the strands behind your ears, trying to compose yourself. He giggles and picks up a loose one to help. Mark Lee, what are you doing to me?, you think.

“Yeah. I wanna get closer to her and I know you guys are friends.”

“Best friends,” you clarify, hesitantly.

“Right, right. I know this is insane and I’m like completely using you. So feel free to say no to helping me. You can probably see how desperate I am, but I also can take rejection pretty well! I think.” He tousled his hair with his hand and reoriented himself. 

Clearing his throat, Mark admits, “I’m not… I’m not the best with girls. My game is off completely and I think I really like Jenn. So I thought I’d try. I wanna try. I just don’t know where to start. So I’m sorry if I’m going the wrong way about this or if I offended you.” He huffs. The boy-next-door charm you always see him carry around campus fades and he looks defeated. Despite the slight crack I feel in your heart, it swelled looking into his eyes. He must really like her.

“I’ll help you.”

Mark perked up, his whole body shaking the swingset. “What? Really?” His toothy grin returns and your heart lurches knowing it was partly because of you.

You nod, “Mhm. You seem nice, I think Jenn would like you.” I like you, you thought.

He gets up and tackles you on the swings with a hug. You fall backward and he quickly catches the back of your head before it hits the ground, eyes wide in fear.

“Oh my god, I almost killed you,” he laughs in disbelief. You’re gonna be the death of me, Mark Lee.

“Y/N!”

You almost drop your phone, looking up to meet the eyes of the boy that avoided you for almost two weeks. You thought you'd be overcome with anger, but you weren't. Instead, you felt exactly the same way you felt the first day at the park. Nervous.

“Hey,” you smiled slightly, not getting up from your spot. Mark falters slightly noticing your cold front. He stumbles on the woodchips as he walks over to the swing next to you.

You two swing slightly in silence and you're beating yourself up in your head for not having the courage to curse him out. Jenn prepared you to go off on him and you can’t even open your mouth, you whine to yourself. The more you two sit here, honestly, the angrier you get. Shouldn’t he be saying something? He called you out here in the first place. Before you could utter a word, Mark finally clears his throat. 

“I’m sorry.”

You lift your head to look at him, the first look at him since you took some time apart, and your heart already races when you meet his eyes. You know you're doomed when all the anger suddenly dissipates. You almost want to laugh at how silly this situation is. You still don’t say anything, waiting for him to continue.

“You’re probably confused as to why I’ve been avoiding you. At first, I didn’t know why either. And I know that ignoring you without telling you why wasn’t the move, but it helped me figure it out.” He broke eye contact with you and he started to fiddle with the rings on his fingers. His eyebrows are furrowed and he looks frustrated.

“I did it because I was scared. I was scared because I don’t like Jenn anymore. I’m starting to think I never did.” Mark confesses and he looks upset with himself. You get a good look at his face and you notice the eyebags, the pallor, and his chapped lips. He looks exhausted. You wonder if you look the same.

He sniffles. “I’m so sorry, Y/N. I literally put you through all of this just for me to realize I don’t even like her. I used you. And I feel selfish because I still want you in my life.”

“Mark…,” you finally speak, your throat feels rough as if it’s been days. “I have to tell you something.” Your voice came out like a whisper, but it was all the strength you had.

He looks up, a signal to continue.

“As shitty as it was for you to ignore me for over a week, it let me do some thinking too,” you sigh, not wanting to say what comes next. “I don’t think we can be friends right now. And-and don’t worry, it’s not because of the whole 'you befriending me for Jenn' thing. I don’t want you to feel guilty for that because I honestly feel so grateful to have been your friend. I hope, I guess, you feel the same way. But, uh, it’s actually because… it’s because I like you, Mark.”

His jaw drops slightly and his eyes widen, almost like he forgot how to function. It was almost cartoon-like. 

“Yeah,” you awkwardly laugh. “I’ve actually liked you from the start, and I’m not saying that to make you feel guilty. I just thought you should know — to help you understand. Anyways, I realized how hard it is for me to be friends with you when I have these feelings for you. It wouldn’t be fair to me, and I’d be dishonest to you if I continued being friends with you under the guise of purely platonic intentions, you know? I really, really hope you understand.” 

You let out a breath, half relieved and half anxious. After rehearsing that a few times with Jenn, you didn’t expect the words to come out so smoothly. Especially when he’s staring at you like this. However, your pride fades as you wait for his response, a response that determines the future of your relationship.

“I don’t understand,” Mark says firmly. He’s shaking his head trying to wrap his mind around all of it. It feels like a rejection.

“Mark,” you whine, not wanting him to finish his thought -- to spare yourself the awaited pain.

“No, I don’t understand because… because I like you too.”

Heat immediately flushed throughout your chest as you heard the three words you never expected to come out of Mark’s mouth. Your mouth is itching to smile, but a part of you feels doubtful still, weighing down the corners of your lips.

“Are-are you sure? Like are you sure your mind isn’t tricking you into thinking you like me because you realized you don’t like Jenn?” You lean in, close to falling off the swings. You look at him with so much seriousness, but he meets you with a giggle.

“If my mind was tricking me, it’s awfully persistent. I think… in trying to get Jenn to like me, I started to fall for you,” Mark says as if he’s putting the last piece of the puzzle down.

“The image I had of Jenn wasn’t what I expected and I think, while in denial, I was forcing it onto her. I was trying so hard to have real feelings for her, but I think I was also still trying because it meant I got to be with you. Our friendship was contingent on me getting with Jenn, so I guess I was subconsciously scared of losing us… But at the same time, deep down, I wanted more than just a friendship with you.”

Mark looks at you and he offers the widest smile like he found his answer. A smile that ignites the fuzzy fire in your body even more. Your heart is racing so loud you can’t even hear your thoughts.

“Marcus Lee, I didn’t know you had those words in you,” you giggle, trying to soften the conversation.

He shrugs, “Dude, I didn’t think I did either. I just really like you, Y/N. And to be honest, Haechan helped a little.”

As quickly as the happiness came, it washed away just as fast. No matter how ecstatic you were to hear Mark say he likes you back, you couldn’t stop the disgusting doubt that lingered in your mind. You’ve always been in wing woman mode around him, and trying to imagine another scenario where you're the girl he wants is harder than you thought.

“Mark?” you turned to look at him.

“Yeah?” He looks at me with a different light in his eyes.

“I want to believe you, but... I can’t. I can’t really wrap my head around it, I’m sorry.” you clasp your hands together out of nerves.

He dims only a little, “No, I get it." He nods as if gathering the courage to say what's next.

"I can see how it��d be hard to believe. But I’ll prove it to you…

I won’t let you doubt my feelings.”

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

A/N: ahhh thanks for reading if you did!!! the only proofreading i did was to change from first person to second person. sorry about the mistakes but thank you for enjoying it if you did <3

[monsieuroverlord]

Letterless preview pages for Marvel Voices: Pride a.k.a. X-Men: The Wedding Special have been posted.

Main Wedding Story by Kieron Gillen, art by Rachael Stott

Betsy Braddock/Rachel Summers story by Tini Howard, art by Phillip Sevy

Wolverine + crew story by Tate Brombal, art by Emilio Pilliu

Rogue/Gambit story by Wyatt Kennedy, art by Jenn St. Onge

Emma Frost Pre-marriage counseling story by Yoon Ha Lee, art by Stephen Byrne

source here

Personal thoughts:

I gotta say, I'm still feeling incredibly ambivalent about this book.

I mean, a Mystique/Destiny wedding is great! Ya love to see it and its long overdue, but I think this would've been better served as a one-shot alongside the main pride story this rather, rather than in place of it.

Most of these stories sound really fun, like for example: a Rogue/Gambit side story involving a wedding band mishap! That sounds hilarious!

But, for a Pride-centric issue, its really lacking in the Pride department. No one outside of the x-books this year, and even the x-couples are lacking!

I mean, to name a few: Northstar and Kyle, Rictor and Shatterstar, Iceman and whoever he's dating right now (lol), Cerebella and Escapade, Akihiro and Aurora (he's still bi, straight-passing relationship or not), the list goes on!

I don't know, I'm just frustrated. The stories themselves seem fine, its just the branding/packaging that's rubbing me the wrong way, if that makes sense.

Except the Wolverine story. We literally have a confirmed/canon queer member of the snikt fam (who, at bare minimum, has had a flirtation with Mystique as well), and he's still ded :(

Like, if they wanted a Wolverine-centric story, why not have Gabby finally explore her sapphic feelings for that girl on the bus? Let her have a little heart-to-heart with Akihiro, drag Logan to a Pride parade (then, he accidently gets roped into a side quest involving a group of short trans-mascs, ending with Logan buying them a round of beers). My point is, there are ways to add your money-maker character into stories while still respecting your target audience.

I don't know. My feelings are complicated.

[fangirlwitchstuff]

Agatha All Along rewatch (1-5 ep)

So now that we are halfway through Agatha All Along, I just rewatched it all, and here are some things I noticed. I don't know if it's relevant or not.

Episode 1 (Seekest Thou the Road):

Agatha winks at Herb when he tells her the Jane Doe is dead. Then she winks again but this time to Teen on episode three after Saron dies.

When Agatha is talking about the case, she talks about a car wreck possibly being connected. At the end credits, we see a newspaper article about a car accident in Westview.

When talking with Rio about the accident, Agatha tells her two airbags were deployed. Rio says there may be two "perps", then when Agatha is about to interrogate Teen, Rio tells her "Go get your 'perp'". Agatha finds it odd.

End credits song: Season of the Witch.

Episode 2 (Circle Sewn With Fate/Unlock Thy Hidden Gate):

When we see Teen after Agatha gets out of her illusion, he has a tape over his mouth not letting him talk. Later when Agatha asks him his name he has a sigil over his mouth preventing him from saying his name.

When Lilia asks how Teen is and he is about to answer, Agatha stops him because she doesn't want her to know about the sigil.

I think Agatha chose Sharon because Lilia said she wrote a black heart and the first thing that came to her mind was Mrs. Heart.

Instrumental end credits song.

Episode 3 (Through Many Miles of Tricks and Trials):

The wine bottle says " Reyns Rioja". I think it could be a reference to Red Queen, Wanda?

When Jenn says Agatha's son could be an agent of Mephisto, Teen makes an angry face. Also, it's interesting that she mentions how Agatha wouldn't recognize her son if he showed up at her doorstep.

End credits song: Head Will Roll.

Episode 4 (If I Can'r Reach You/Let My Song Teach You):

Magic took the path of least resistance, meaning she was already there and that's why Rio was summoned?

Agatha says "I didn't think you had it in you" while looking at Mrs. Davis. When Teen asks who is she talking about, Agatha just winks at him.

"Did you put the sigil on me?".

"You don't have to know someone's name to know who they are" I don't know if she means she knows he is a good person, she thinks he is her son, or she actually already knows who he is.

If it's true that Rio is Lady Death, I'm pretty sure she took Agatha's son, and that's why she hates her.

"That boy isn't yours". Rio picked up on Agatha's interest in Teen.

Instrumental end credits song.

Episode 5 (Darkest Hour/Wake Thy Power):

Rio already knew how Agatha's mom felt about her daughter.

The trial felt like they didn't achieve anything.

Rio hates Agatha's mom.

Nicholas was old enough to speak. Maybe three years old because Agatha was wearing a jersey with the number 03 and the Ouija board said: "ages three and up".

If they were talking to death, and Rio is supposed to be Lady Death, was she answering?

Teen says "So this is what it means to be a witch? Killing people to serve your own agenda? No, not for me." Agatha responds "Are you sure?" I don't know but I feel like teen's been pretending around the coven. That he isn't as naïve as he seems.

Teen is revealed to be Billy Kaplan.

End credits song: You Should See Me In a Crown.

Also, I think Rio brought Teen to Agatha's house and gave him the spell to get her out of Wanda's spell. For some reason, she wants her on the Witches' Road. Or something. I think they are working together somehow.

[literaticat]

Hi Jenn. I submitted to a small press that has a mostly good profile (they have a lot of diverse books, pro-POC and pro-LGBT). However, they have also published a couple of problematic books depicting underage sexual activities that are borderline predatory. The publisher has defended the books, saying they are not erotica, but there is some contention they might be. Should I withdraw my work and wait and see if they offer? Would it be wrong to go with them if they do?

I don't think there's actually anything wrong with a publisher publishing "erotica" -- Erotica is not the same as pornography, anyway, and literary depictions of sex (even of teenagers / underaage people having it) are not automatically the same as erotica OR pornography? I just... I don't know what you mean by "borderline predatory" - there are lots of YA books that have underage sex in them, sometimes assault or other upsetting things, and they are not pornography OR erotica OR "predatory" -- they are just books about those topics. Would you not want Random House to publish your book because they also publish erotic romance, or a YA book about a teenager exploring their sexuality, or a book by a politician you don't agree with or even think is TERRIBLE? Because I ABSOLUTELY guarantee that Random House publishes all those things, and I've never heard of an author boycotting them over it, nor should they.

I guess the question is - have you actually looked at these books yourself, or are you getting this info from some randos on the internet? If yes, do YOU think that this unnamed publisher is actively doing something shady / unethical / illegal that doesn't sit right with YOUR moral compass? If so, you should follow your own heart.

If, on the other hand, like Random House, they are just making books for all kinds of people, even people who don't necessarily agree with you in all ways -- maybe that's fine. Freedom of speech applies even to people we don't like, etc etc.

[baronessblixen]

Today's prompt: 30. "Are you with me?"

Fluff(?) post "Je Souhaite": Mulder wants to know what Scully's wishes would have been (wc: 831)

Tagging @today-in-fic @xffictober2023

Fictober Day 10: Wishes

At first, he thinks she's asleep. He can't blame her for falling asleep watching Caddyshack. She's leaning heavily against him, head on his shoulder and hand over his heart. He's been secretly calling it the 'Scully position'. They end up like this on planes (no complaints) and now frequently in the mornings (again, no complaints). She sighs, and he realizes she isn't asleep at all, and just very, very quiet.

"Are you with me?" he asks.

"Where else would I be?" She leans her head back to look at him.

"You seem miles away."

"I'm watching your movie."

"It's not my movie. And I thought you didn't like it."

"I don't," she says with a chuckle. "I was just- I was thinking."

"At this time of day?" He feigns shock, making her laugh. "What were you thinking?"

"Did you really wish for world peace? Why?"

"Unlike you," he says, touching the tip of her nose, "I wasn't thinking. I thought that would solve everything. There are no easy solutions. It's like you said. Maybe our time here is to achieve all that. However, I fear humankind has a bad track record when it comes to peace. Let alone world peace."

"You tried anyway." He shrugs.

"You know me. Hey, what would you have wished for?"

"Mulder, you've seen what those wishes could do."

"It's just for fun. Come on. If there were no strings attached, what would you wish for?" She stares back at him, contemplating it. His heart inexplicably hammers in his chest. She may be fairly happy now, with him, but what if she wishes she could be somewhere else, be with somebody else?

"There are always strings."

"Just pretend, Scully," he says, daring her with a grin.

"Well," she says, moving away from him and putting her legs under her. Now they look like they're two kids at a sleepover, playing make-believe. She taps her finger against her lips, thinking. He watches her, mesmerized.

When he wished for world peace, and Scully wasn't there, it was as if his greatest nightmare had come true. He doesn't want to think about it anymore. He wished his last wish. At least out loud. He has a few he keeps to himself, close to his heart. There's one wish - no, hope - and that's being here like this with Scully. Spending the evening together cuddling, and watching movies. He never wanted to get out of the car. But maybe every once in a while they can take a break. Like this.

"I can't think of anything."

"Nothing?" he asks, moving closer. He knows she's only telling half the truth. She doesn't walk around, her arms wide open, wishing for the improbable. That's him. But he knows her and he can see it her eyes, The glimmers of hope and want.

"You don't wish for me to shut up?"

"No," she says with a smile, touching his cheek where his stubble is coming through. "I already told you, didn't I? I'm happy."

"You said fairly happy."

"Are we doing semantics now?" He knows what her greatest wish is. The one she's afraid to speak out loud. She's done it once before and it didn't work out. He almost wished it for her. Almost made it his last wish. I want Scully to have a child. But there were so many variables and so many ways he could have fucked that up. Now, no one can mess with Jenn anymore and she gets to be her own person, and maybe even get her own happy ending. Either way, she gets to live her life.

"You don't have to say it," he says, nodding more to himself. "I know. I know what you wish for and I do too." Her expression crumbles, a piece of sadness falling away. These days, she lets him see her vulnerability. She no longer hides it from him and he couldn't be more thankful.

He never wants to see Scully sad. Never. But now he gets to comfort her because she lets him in. Sometimes he has to climb her walls, but once he's there, she never pushes him away. It has been months since the failed IVF. They've carved a new path for themselves, but he knows that sometimes she's still looking back, wondering what could have been.

"Mulder, I-"

"You're fairly happy. I know. And I'll take it. That is, if you still want... me."

"Do you think I'd watch Caddyshack with just anyone?" She closes the distance between them, planting herself in his lap.

"I am happy," she repeats. "Here with you."

"Even when I make you watch Caddyshack."

"Even then. Even if you made me watch Plan 9 From Outer Space again."

"That's a classic, Scully. You get to choose the movie next time. Unless you-"

"You know what? I do wish for you to shut up now." She grabs his head with both hands and draws his face closer, kissing him like there's no tomorrow.

[queersrus]

Soft theme

[soft theme]

including textures, descriptive words, words/names meaning soft as well as soft in other languages and synonyms.

(Nick)Names:

alya/aalya, abhiratra, aderyn, adhara, alhan, amalthea, amauricus, amiable, amicabilis, aura, aure, aurore, aurora, auralie/auralee, aurear, adalinda/adallinda buthayna, bayne

cushion, cushiony/cushioni/cushionie, cloud, calm, cotton, cottony, cream, creamy, chifon/chiffon, comfy/comfi, chenille, clem, clemencia, clemency, clementeen/clementine, clementia, clemmy

downy/downey, dim, dulcet, delicatte, dull, dream, dreamy/dreami, dietlind/dietlinde, delani emmi, eulia

fleece, fleecy/fleeci, fur/furr, furry, faint, fluff, fluffy, fine, frodelinde, frolinde, feather gentle, guenivier/guenevere, ginevra, ginie/ginnie, gennifer, guin, gwenhwyfar, gaenor, genniver, gislind/gislinde

hush isaura, irmlinde jenie/jennie/jeni/jenni, jenifer/jennifer, jen/jenn, juliska kumal, komol, komal

low, lawler, lenis, leyan, linda, linde, lindy, lyan murmur, mute, muted, muffle, malachite, malvine, malwina, melvina, mellow, mild, mylin oriane

pastel/pastelle, pale, peace, paisley, patient, pearyl quiet, quiana rest, reshma, rujul, rugu, rosalynd/rosalind

soft, softy/softie, softly, softest/softestte, softette, softetta, softa, softelle, softella, softine, softina, softia, softe, soften, softene, softeneda, smooth, silk, silky, silken, satin, satine, satiny, sooth, silent, still, serene, silika, sieglinde

tender, tranquil, tranquila, timi, timid, teddy velvet/velvette, velvety, velveteen/velvetine, vanini, velouette whisper, warmth, wani, winnie yalina

1stp prns: i/me/my/mine/myself

si/softe/softly/softine/softself si/soothe/soothy/soothine/soothself si/sme/smoothly/smoothine/smoothself gi/gentle/gently/gentline/gentleself hi/hushe/hushy/hushine/hushself fli/fluffe/fluffy/fluffine/fluffyself

2ndp prns: you/your/yours/yourself

so/softer/softers/softerself so/soother/soothers/sootherself smo/smoother/smoothers/smootherself go/gentler/gentlers/gentlerself ho/husher/hushers/husherself flo/fluffer/fluffers/flufferself(fluffierself)

3rdp prns: they/them/theirs/themself

so/soft, so/ft, so/oft, soft/softs, soft/ly, soft/softly, softly/softlys, soft/er, sof/ter, soft/softer, softer/softers, soft/texture, soft/feeling, soft/touch, soft/voice, soft/spoken, soft/whisper, soft/fur, so/sooth, soo/th, so/oth, so/ooth, sooth/sooths, sooth/soother, sooth/soothing, smo/smooth, smo/oth, smo/ooth, smooth/smooths, smooth/smoothly gen/gentle, gen/tle, gentle/gentles, ge/ntle, ge/gentle, gentle/gently, gently/gentlys, gentle/gentler, gentle/voice, gentle/touch, gentle/whisper hu/hush, hu/sh, hu/ush, hush/hushes, hush/hushed, hushed/whisper, hushed/voice flu/fluff, fluff/fluffs, flu/ff, flu/uf, fl/uff, fluff/fluffy, fluffy/fur, fluffy/tail

Titles

the soft, the soft one, the soft spoken, the softest whisper, the gentle one, the gentlest being, the hushed voice, the hushed whisper, the fluffiest of [animal]s, the fluffy one, the softest fluff, the softest of fluffers, the gentlest speaker, the smoothest speaker, the whispering wind, the soothing voice, the soothing presence, the soother

*one who sooths, one who is soft spoken/speaks softly, one who loves only the softest of textures, one who whispers with onlythe softest heart, one who remains hushed, one who gently holds ones loves, one who fluffs your pillows, one who has the fluffiest tail

soother

*one can be replaced with any prn

feel free to ask to be tagged when we post or for specific themes

[hsmtmts-arrows]

Why? so Madison can ruin the rest of my night? Which is already at an all-time worst night category after learning Ashlyn is back together with Big Red. Read the card. Out loud. “Maddy, these balloons aren’t for you. Give them to Ashlyn tonight. The way you talk about her is the way people talk about someone when they’re falling for them. Love always, Madison.” What’s that? Miss Jenn? You need me on stage? I’m not back together with Big Red. But- And I have feelings for you. I have every feeling for you. And my.. My biggest fear is that if we tried this, if we actually went for it, that I might lose the most incredible friendship I have. What is this? Just open it. God, I hope you don’t hate this. “Ash hearts Gadget”? It was carved into a tree behind the bunks in Shallow Lake. Wait. You’ve had these feelings since back at camp? No, EJ did this. He predicted we’d end up together. I feel like... I feel like I don’t deserve to be as happy as you make me. You are the scariest, most beautiful person I’ve ever met. That. is exactly how I feel about you. Should we just, like, I don’t know, like, stay friends? Yeah, yeah, no it’s um... probably safer that way. Yeah. That’s what I was thinking. Uh-huh... OH- I’m sorry- MY KISS WITH SEB HAS GONE VIRAL ON TIKTOK AND I GOTTA DOWNLOAD WITH SOMEBODY-oh- oH MY GOD. okay. i’m leaving!! WAIT. I’m so happy for you two! This is SO endgame !!

[redstringraven]

TMNT’s 40th anniversary ask game ~ May I ask for number 22) , 26) and 35) ? Lots of love <3

TuT!!!! THANK u, cherry. loves of love to you, too 💜✨

(please excuse that this ask is visually a bit more of a mess. i wrote too much again for tumblr to be chill with my usual formatting. why am i like this.)

TMNT's 40th anniversary ask game!

22.) what is your favorite kind of pizza?

terrible news, everyone: i'm a pro-pineapple bitch. you may block and unfollow me now; i forgive you for being incorrect (/lh). i tend to be pescatarian if i can help it (i'm flexible due to money, and also i hate inconveniencing others especially if i'm a guest), so i prefer pizza without meats. i'm happy to eat any kind of veggie combination with the exception of banana peppers. never liked those for some reason. i also really like mushroom and eggs as pizza toppings. i'm kind of just an egg fiend in general; i love the taste of a well-made egg.

26.) what is one of your favorite pieces of TMNT fan art?

these things keep asking for one, but i'm gonna continue responding with however many i feel like. because it's not my dad. the scarf, by @hamsterandturtlesoup weakness is a sickness and a virtue, by @tatortart various candid illustrations by richard chen vis dev by kellan jett

35.) which character relationships are your favorite to write/draw?

...since we're both OC people, i'm gonna take this as an opportunity to gush about canon and OC relationships: two of my favorite brotps. because they're character relationships i adore writing with all my heart and soul.

mikey, gwyn & ash i mentioned previously that @plantdonutwrites (jenn) writes for mikey in our RPs, so i consulted her for mikey's perspective on this brot3. i will paraphrase her answer in this paragraph:

"all his life, mikey's been used to only having his bros as company; they're family in a way that puts the rest of us to shame. but as they grew older they met all sorts of people, some became an extension of that family. raph has casey or maybe angel when he wants to dip for a bit. don has leatherhead or the professor (bree, too), and leo has usagi even if he's not 'as regular' (and min-ji, too). his brothers have their separate circles of friends, but, against all odds, mikey doesn't seem to have that (at least not until cassia shoved her foot in the loneliness door). then he bonded with gwyn and ash... but then they left. he realized that it wasn't just that they didn't treat him like 'the annoying brother who tags along' but because they'd actually become friends, and they were friends who didn't humor him. they liked the comics he talked about, they love klunk, and they're interested in his art and ideas. it meant a lot to him to have that--to know what it was like--and when they weren't around, he really felt the difference. in an odd way they helped him become a more empathetic person, too."

it's harder to answer in ash's perspective because she has a lot less agency than gwyn and, because gwyn's paranoid/won't let ash out of her own hands much less her line of sight, ash doesn't get a lot of one-on-one time with mikey. she's interacted with him a LOT more than she's interacted with most people--which absofuckinglutely means something--but since she does consider herself 'dead' and is at peace with the possibility she'll be a literal shapeshifting weapon for the rest of her sentience, i think a lot of his meaning to her (right now) is very rooted in what he means for gwyn. THAT being said.

mikey is gwyn's first real friend. like. ever. in all the time she's been alive. very much in the same way that the brothers only had each other for most of their lives, gwyn only ever had ash. her community considered her a parasite and an omen, so she was essentially outcast. gwyn grew up feeling she wasn't wanted, had to earn any love she received, and when ash died and became trapped in the weapon, all that transpired and followed afterward re-enforced that. i haven't talked about darach a lot--deliberately--but know that he's a masterful manipulator in more ways than one. if ch'rell was brute force and intimidation, darach is more like the pot you put a frog in and slowly turn up the heat. you don't realize you're being boiled alive until it's too late. thanks to his influence, gwyn's been tricked, back-stabbed, cornered, and watched people suffer 'because of her' countless times. when i said she was paranoid, i wasn't really being hyperbolic. she has SEVERE trust issues. ...then came mikey. someone who, unknowingly, had already given them a taste of his character.

gwyn and ash had heard of mikey's rematch with kluh during their travels--that the match was made mortal, that mikey had not only won but had spared kluh's life when he had every reason not to. darach wouldn't approach someone like him, they figured. and as time passed, mikey continued to not just be open and kind with them, but again and again he's emphasized to gwyn that they just... CARE. to quote him "we don't keep you guys around for any benefits other than being able to know you". which, in so many ways, is unheard of for gwyn. she still struggles to believe him sometimes, but she trusts him. mikey is her first and best friend, he's someone she admires, and he's proven time and time again that ash isn't the only person capable of loving her, and that she's worthy of that love by just being herself. i had to spend a lot of this answer on exposition because OC, but... i earnestly can't emphasize enough how much mikey's come to mean to gwyn. he asked her not to leave again without them, and she promised she wouldn't. that promise to him has kept her from running away and isolating. even though she's terrified--for herself, for ash, for them--she trusts him. writing them makes me so happy. it's been such a delight to see their relationship evolve and the influences they've had on each other and their worldviews. i love this brot3 so goshdang much.

min-ji & raph min-ji belongs to jenn and, oh my god, i love her relationship with raph so, SO much. when we rp, jenn's obviously writing for min, and i write for raph.

again! consulted jenn! her answer paraphrased below:

"raph's pretty much the first assertive person in her life that had her back early on? her home life is complex; her family DOES love her but sometimes that love can veer controlling and toxic (responsibilities/obligations). raph was a type of personality she'd never been around before, and he cared about her well-being in a way that was unconditional. hanging out with him more helped her become more assertive and in touch with parts of herself she was forced to suppress to be more palatable to her family. she's found that being angry about something that happened to her, or something that was said to her, doesn't make her bad or a burden. raph doesn't expect her to shy away from her flaws or nuances. he lets her be a person."

as for raph's end, it's kind of hard to put into words. but i love that min-ji has become one of the very few people he will allow himself moments of vulnerability around. like. instead of it just happening, he makes the choice to let a wall or six down. they've created a mutual safe space between each other.

i think this has cultivated from a lot of things. min was much more timid when they met--raph even made a bit of a point, initially, to not interact with her so much because she was skittish and on-edge thanks to surrounding events. but through the events of our writing, he's watched her grow in self-confidence, be more open, and allow herself to 'take up' more space. she's also survived two major threats to her life, now, both of which have scarred her physically and emotionally, yet she persists and continues to extend kindness to people who, in his opinion, don't deserve it. but that's HER business (while he makes his feelings known, he stays out of it unless she signals him otherwise). she may not be a fighter in a literal sense, but he sees her as an equal. like, he's still protective of her in dangerous situations since she's not trained to fight--obviously--but... i dunno, i guess it's more like "i've been through shit; you've been through shit; if i say things look bad right now, you won't like it but you also won't give up". he doesn't feel a pull to coddle her if things are looking grim, i guess is what i'm trying to say?; he'll shoot straight with her because he knows she IS a fighter. even if she doesn't fight. does THAT make sense?

like i said, it's hard to put into words. but i think it's a combination of min-ji's emotional strength and kindness as a person, as well as the fact she's not an immediate family member, that make it easier for him to let those barriers down around her and have severely needed moments of vulnerability where he doesn't dismiss pain or fear or anything else he might be feeling. he knows min would never lash out at him, physically, emotionally, or however else. min-ji is kind, and she's strong, and she's safe. he trusts her, values and respects her judgment and input. much in the same way his presence lets her feel like a person, she's extended that grace to him. just in a different way. i love getting to write interactions between them. there's always something warm and comforting in their exchanges, light-hearted or more melancholic. it's nice. the love is very much there.

[plethomacademia]

wip wed: rockstar/coffee shop/bookstore au

There is an event on the GaleHeart discord for fics about Gale and Shadowheart's first time and instead of being normal or sane and just writing a little thing, I have invented an AU that is somehow both a bookstore (Gale is one of the booksellers) and coffee shop (there's a coffee shop in the bookstore and Shadowheart works there) and a rock band (Shadowheart is in a band with Karlach, Lae'zel, and Wyll) AU all at once.

Anyway! Two snippets. One is Gale showing some rizz and the other is when he first meets Lae'zel. In this universe, Lae'zel and Shadowheart are already dating but it's an open relationship and Shadowheart already has told Lae'zel about wanting to date Gale. Gale is the one who was not sure if Lae'zel truly was ok with it. And this is how he finds out that she is!

She spots him the moment that he reaches to adjust his hair, of course. Her green eyes flick over the top of the book that she is holding with one hand while she leans against the counter on the elbow of the other. Gale notes the couple on the cover of the trade paperback: a woman wearing a bodice that has been loosened and a tall man with long hair and a very open shirt. They’ve sold dozens of copies of the same book in the past week. She is standing by the time he reaches the coffee stand, her open book page down on the counter to hold her place. “You only get one free a day, you know,” she says once he has arrived. “Yes, well, I paid for the last one, so I am aware.” He puts his hands in his pockets, not sure what else to do with them. “What can I say? You are quite talented at what you do.” Jenn gives him a once over and whatever she sees makes the corner of her mouth tick up. “Maybe a decaf this time. We wouldn’t want your heart to burst, Gale.” He swallows. “Yes. Decaf sounds lovely.”

and

Gale is still leaning on the counter when he hears the sounds of at least two pairs of heavy boots behind him. Jenn looks over his shoulder and the glance she gives him is the only warning he gets before a hand claps onto his back. He clenches his jaw to keep from yelping. “Gale of the Bookshop!” he hears. The owner of the voice stands beside him, taking up the remaining space at the counter. Gale moves over a little to give the woman room, using the moment to give her a quick inspected. She has a pleasant face, brown skin with sharp features and a scattering of freckles, all framed by shoulder length brown hair. She is wearing an outfit that suggests she just came from some kind of athletic event or perhaps the gym, a black sports bra visible underneath a white tank top with large dropped armholes. He notices how her muscles bunch as she leans against the counter beside him. She smiles at him and he cannot help but return the gesture. “So, have you fucked my girlfriend yet, Gale of the Bookshop?” she says. Gale feels his cheeks heat as Jenn puts a hand to her mouth to stifle a laugh. As he had expected, this was the woman that Jenn had only referred to as Lae. Her girlfriend, she had told him. One that was apparently ok with the idea of Gale taking Jenn out on a date, something that he had had a hard time believing until this very moment. He glances behind him to see the other person that he heard approach. He is met by glittering brown eyes belonging to a tall Black man. He is just as fit as Lae is, but with much longer hair styled into thick dreadlocks. Another one of Jenn’s bandmates, he presumes, although Gale does not know his name. The man looks over him toward the counter. “Man, Jenn, you know I would fuck you if you just asked,” the man says. He glances back at Gale long enough to wink at him. Gale turns to look back at Jenn, who is shaking her head. “Bullshit,” Jenn says. Now she, too, is looking at Gale. “Wyll wants to be a player but he’s the biggest softie that I know.” She smiles at him. “Present company excluded, perhaps.”

[freebooter4ever]

I finally connected something - so the doctor finally sent the PO*TS pamphlet and on it confirmed that heat sensitivity is a real thing - some patients even have to wear ice pack vests on hot days, which im sure is real cute and fashionable. But anyway, i had a realization that if my heart rate was continually up during the 100-112 degree days, maybe even slight changes in heat had an effect too. I looked over my watch data and sure enough yesterday the only time my heart went over 100 was when jenn and i were walking around in the early evening and it was 75 degrees. And then i realized that during the night the temperature has been slowly dropping each day (59 last night). So i closed all my windows tonight, piled on the extra blankets unlike normal when i would just sleep curled up with teddy gene and my little shorts and tank top and thats it. And sure enough, my heart rate finally fucking stabilized around 50 with only a few drops below 47. And i feel siginificantly less dizzy this morning like i was able to get out of bed and actually move around without feeling instantly weak like i could pass out at any moment.

my conclusion is that temperature regulation is gonna be really fucking annoying for a while -_- until i can figure out how to stabilize this stomach issue that caused the PO*TS in the first place.

[lgbtqreads]

hi!! i know this has beeb asked before but not for a while and I thought there might be some releases since then, so : any Queer High Fantasy? I've been recommended Priory of the Orange Tree before. Thank you!!

Not sure when the last time was but here’s what’s currently on my radar! (You can also find these here, and an asterisk means it’s not out yet: https://lgbtqreads.com/sff/spec-fic-by-subgenre/) I bolded some of the ones that are newer or coming out in the next few months.

MG

*Splinter & Ash by Marieke Nijkamp – NB

Sir Callie by Esme Symes-Smith – NB

YA

Female Protags

The Winter Duke by Claire Eliza Bartlett

The Never Tilting World by Rin Chupeco – L

Queen of Coin and Whispers by Helen Corcoran

Of Fire and Stars by Audrey Coulthurst – L,B

Inkmistress by Audrey Coulthurst – B

The Impostor Queen by Sarah Fine – B

Noble Falling and Noble Persuasion by Sara Gaines

Rule by Ellen Goodlett

Havenfall by Sara Holland

*Hearts Forged in Dragon Fire by Erica Hollis

The Afterward by EK Johnston

Empirium by Claire Legrand – B

Belle Révolte by Linsey Miller – BA

These Feathered Flames by Alexandra Overy

The Midnight Lie by Marie Rutkoski

It Ends in Fire by Andrew Shvarts

Beneath the Citadel by Destiny Soria – B, A

The Third Daughter and The Second Son by Adrienne Tooley

Shatter the Sky by Rebecca Kim Wells – B

The Thousand Names by Django Wexler

Male Protags

Cloaked in Shadow by Ben Alderson

The Runebinder Chronicles by Alex R. Kahler

Skybound by Alex London

So This is Ever After by F.T. Lukens

Beneath the Citadel by Destiny Soria

The Sunbearer Trials by Aiden Thomas – T

Non-Binary Protags

Spell Bound by FT Lukens

Mask of Shadows by Linsey Miller – GF

*A Hundred Vicious Turns by Lee Paige O’Brien

Adult

Female Protags

A Broken Blade by Melissa Blair

Tales of Inthya by Effie Calvin

The Vanished Queen by Lisbeth Campbell

Rook & Rose by M.A. Carrick

The Night and its Moon by Piper CJ

The Unbroken by C.L. Clark

*Warmongers by C.L. Clark

The Gardener’s Hand by Felicia Davin

*The Water Outlaws by S.L. Huang

Dragonfall by L.R. Lam

The Unspoken Name by A.K. Larkwood

The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon

From Under the Mountain by C.M. Spivey

The Drowning Empire by Andrea Stewart (Amz)

The Jasmine Throne by Tasha Suri

Malice by Heather Walter

When Women Were Warriors series by Catherine M. Wilson

Male Protags

Kirith Kirin by Jim Grimsley

The Cadeleonian series by Ginn Hale

Tales From Verania by T.J. Klune

A Chorus of Dragons by Jenn Lyons

The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon

*Dark Moon, Shallow Sea by David R. Slayton

Stagsblood Trilogy by Gideon E. Wood

Genderqueer Protags

*The Water Outlaws by S.L. Huang

[bisexualfemalemess]

*HSMTMTS SEASON 4 SPOILERS*

Watched episodes 4-6 and Ricky Bowen is so unhinged this season, i love it 😭😭😭 Also rina failed couple costume because their out of sync and finally revealing their dating, i love it. Also my heart dropped when he said he needed a minute. MADLYN ALMOST KISS?!! Ruined by that pumpkin ghost, jarred is a fucking weirdo??? SEB CHEATED ON CARLOS???? Loved the original song this episode tho and jet simping for kourtney.

WITH BIG RED??? The way that gina’s motivation and way of finding chemistry is ricky 😭😭😭 I love them. Ej giving ricky advice on gina and caswen hug and i love you, i love their friendship. Glad, he’s with val. Loved their duet. The redlyn break-up was inevitable and i’m hoping it’s leading towards madlyn even if madison answered maddox’s phone. I MEAN SHR HAD A PICTURE OF HER IN HER LOCKER SHSHSHSHW Jealous ricky is a serve, i love it. HE’S TIRED OF LOOSING PEOPLE GIVE HIM HIS HAPPY END. Terri was annoying me in episode 5 like you told your daughter no boys and then you make an exception for a famous actor??? Like stfu. You don’t even know your daughter. I KNEW IT WAS COMING BUT RINA RAINKISS KNOCKED ALL THE AIR FROM MY LUNGS!!! AND THE CHOCOLATES?! A SPIN HUG IN THE RAIN TOO, I LOVE THEM, THEY HAVE AN INSANE CHOKE HOLD ON ME😭😭😭 Also, Love Kourtney’s storyline and jump was so good and Emmy is such a comedic relief, i love her.

Ricky calling her sweetie, awww. NO RINA TROYELLA??? I HATE IT HERE. Emmy’s episode 6 storyline, my baby she just wanted to sing ☹️ FLASHBACKS! Kourtney and Ashlyn were so cute in the scene with their little pact. Love their friendship. BENJAMIN WAS IN A BOY BAND?! BIGGEST PLOT TWIST OF MY LIFE. Awww miss jenn worrying and carinh about carlos without even really knowing him. MOTHER from the beginning. SEB AND NATALIE??? He’s so unserious “I was in a serious relationship. With a woman.” Seblos over again, they’re so cute. Get back together. ALSO THE AMOUNT OF SWEARING THIS SEASON ENSNEJWJS, IT KEEPS GETTING ME SO OFF GUARD. “He’s singing the damn song!” RICKYYYYY. Close-up on all the couples unofficial and official, they’re all endgame. REAL!! Gina flashback!!! Yes, she taught herself how to knit a hat. “Find something you like about this school and try not to kill it.” Runs into ricky. It’S A RINA FLASHBACK!!! I miss gina 1.0 but i love season 4 gina sm. Gina convinced him to join the musical and she joined because of him!!! “Love is lame, idiot. That’s why i try to avoid it.” NOT ANYMORE. Ha! “Good luck, skaterboy.” HE WAS A SKATER BOY, SHE SAID SEE YOU LATER BOY. They’re so fucking tethered and soulmates. THEY OWN MY LIFE! Alyson reed giving miss jenn advice and her joining east high omfg. TRUST THE PROCESS PERIODDD. GIVE RICKY A HAPPY END MF!!! THESE ARE HER CHILDREN DEN MOTHER FRR. OMG! DREAMS DON’t DIE!!!! Emmy’s voice is gorgeous, all the songs hit so hard this season tf. It’s the little rina moments this episode for me. ALYSON REED AND BART JOHNSON HELPING THE DRAMA DEPARTMENT AWWW! Gina not wanting to say i love you first i get it and i’m a ricky saying i love you first truther. RICKY GOT INTO COLLEGE!!! MY BOY! 1.8 GPA?! BOY, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THESE YEARS. Awww, as long as gina’s there his future’s locked, she’s his future 😭😭😭 NO, WTF WAS GINA’S CALL ABOUT IF IT’S SOMETHING BAD IM THROWING HANDS.

[cbk1000]

And part three. (Final part; sorry this is so long: it has been a fucking long four months.)

No problem, Doctor Dipshit, I guess I'll just do your job and continue treating myself.

After my period ends, my heart rate drops again. It's still not as low as it should be, but it's much better. I continue to gradually improve. It's not a linear process; some days are better than others, but I never feel as bad as I did at the beginning of all this. My main issue is really my heart rate at this point; I'm no longer dizzy, I don't have the extreme weakness I had, my nausea is gone, I'm sleeping much better, and I'm a lot less tired than I was even before all this started. But the high heart rate keeps me still mostly bedbound, and I'm gnashing my teeth, because at this point I feel well enough to be mad about it, instead of just lying in bed trying to stave off death.

I finally start turning a corner, almost three months into taking supplements. My heart rate is consistently lower; even my last period wasn't as rough. (I felt a little worse than I had been, but my heart rate didn't spike, and I mostly just felt more run down than I normally would during my period.)

Over the last couple of weeks, I've been able to sit and stand and walk around for much longer, and I was finally, after months, able to start writing again. My heart rate is still a bit higher than it should be, and I have chest pain and tightness that radiates into my throat (it almost feels like an asthma attack) if I exert myself too much, but I can sit up for a good couple, few hours at a time, then lie down for a few minutes till those symptoms improve, and then get back up again. It is more exhausting to do things because of this, but I still, honestly, feel less tired than when I was a fully functioning, 'normal' person, and I've noticed that the horrible, frequent anxiety attacks I was having multiple times a week, out of nowhere, with no trigger, haven't happened since I started supplementing. I have been stressed, of course, but not baselessly anxious. Apparently iron deficiency can cause or worsen anxiety, so the anxiety I was having for the last couple of years that I attributed to all the changes at work, and how generally stressful the world has been, was also likely related to this.

Today, three and a half months after starting iron supplements, I'm writing this sitting up at my computer. I have some chest pain, but right now it's more of an annoyance than anything, and I can push through for a while before I'll need to lie down for a bit. The last week I have been able to write 27,000 words, animatedly play a video game I'm into at the moment (I shout a lot when I play), take Seamus outside multiple times a day while Mr. Jenn is at work (albeit for very short walks around the backyard, but still), edit, and concentrate on my reading. I can now sit out and eat dinner at our countertop and visit with Mr. Jenn. I spend more time up now than I do in bed. Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment with a non-lunatic, and will hopefully be able to get medical clearance to finally return to work (Mr. Jenn and I have rigged up my desk so that I can recline and still see my monitors and work if I need more than my allotted breaks to rest) and an order for an iron infusion to get me the rest of the way more quickly. It has been the longest four months of my life. I have felt trapped in my own body. There were points during that constant back and forth of regressing a bit, improving a bit, regressing a bit, that I was afraid I would be stuck like that forever. I've had enough of consistently being on my feet day after day over the last few weeks that, while I'm not yet at 100% and know it will still probably be a while before I am, I know I will be, eventually. I actually feel confident in that now.

What I mean to say with these three very long-winded posts is, please do not ignore what your body is telling you. I wrote off the extreme fatigue, and anxiety, and burning and tingling I was feeling in my legs and feet as poor sleep, the world going to shit, muscle strain, etc. etc. That was my body trying to tell me something was really wrong. I did not know these were symptoms of iron deficiency; and not everyone gets them, and not everyone gets such severe symptoms that their entire body shuts down and confines them to bed for months: but there was something wrong with me, probably for years, and I ignored that, and wrote it off, because the symptoms were non-specific, and I'd lived with them for so long that I normalized them. If you are having any of these symptoms, especially fatigue, especially if you're menstruating, and especially especially if most of your iron sources aren't from meat, please get an iron panel done. Not your CBC; that will only tell you if your hemoglobin is ok, and I can tell you, as exhibit A, that just because your hemoglobin is normal, does not mean you don't have iron deficiency. B12 deficiency will cause some of these same symptoms as well, so if you're vegetarian, definitely get that checked as well.

The only reason I was able to put two and two together was because I had had similar cardiac issues after a blood donation, when it was easy to go, "Wait, I think you bled too much; let's put some iron back in you." I don't want to think about how long I might have been stuck like this getting booted from specialist to specialist with no one thinking to check my iron levels because my hemoglobin was normal. If you do not have enough of this one single mineral in your body, it can literally be debilitating. I work a desk job from home; I have been out of work for four months now because I haven't even been able to sit up at a desk. I actually ran out of legally-protected medical leave a month ago and am just lucky that my employer wants to keep me enough that they were willing to put me on personal leave until I was ready to come back.

Anyway, that is my extremely long update. I sincerely appreciate everyone who has checked in on me and asked how I'm doing.