#jeff goldblum ruined my life actually

[purpleph4se]

million dollar man

the wizard x reader

warnings | smut (sorry), fem!reader, soft dom!wizard, fingering, praise, age difference, he’s also definitely a bit of a pervert (i’m self indulgent ok)

a/n | last fic of the year so let me go out with a bang. yall i am so so obsessed with the wizard I've gone down the jeff goldblum pipeline i love him so much. he’s so lana del rey coded it’s kinda insane. so i decided to be the first person (?) to write smut for the fuckin wizard of oz (i cant believe i wrote this sentence) so to anyone who also enjoys the wizard who reads this you thank you so much! crossposted on my ao3

“sir! i have a message for you from madam morrible, i believe it's urgent!”

you were the wizard's own personal assistant. one of the very few people who saw who he truly was; an older, but still very handsome, man who operated the magical console that controlled the giant puppet used to control his subjects. in truth, he was very kind and gracious, even silly at times.

“oh! thank you, my dear.” he gracefully strolled over to you in his beautifully elaborate emerald suit and took the letter from your hands and slipped it into his coat pocket, he paused for a moment to look over you. you could feel his honey-colored eyes scanning your frame and felt your heart race, you shifted in place hoping he wouldn’t notice your nervousness. with his endless power, you guessed he already knew.

“it’s—it’s my pleasure, your ozness! is there anything else you require of me?” the wizard lets out a laugh, soft and elegant, just like him you thought. he grabs your hand, his large aged one completely envelops yours as he takes you to his control panel. your face flushes and your hand trembles in his, you pray he doesn’t notice. how embarrassing it would be if the wizard thought you were this easily swayed by just one touch. in actuality, he thought it was adorable.

“you’re still so formal with me hm? but dear, i do need you for just one thing, if you don’t mind that is?” he had this mischievous look in his eyes, his charming smile making the corners of his eyes wrinkle, you couldn’t help the warmth rising more in your cheeks.

you nodded a bit too quickly for your own liking, “yes! um—of course, i don’t mind, sir!”

the wizard smiles, and the butterflies in your stomach flutter rapidly as he turns you to face the control panel as he stands behind you. even though you’re not facing him you tremble as you can feel how close he is to your back, the soft waft of his cologne and his breath upon the back of your neck. oh sweet oz, you felt yourself get impossibly warmer like you could combust at any moment.

“now dear, i just want your opinion on something,” he reached over you, turned, and pulled a few levers on the console, you heard the familiar creaking and mechanics of the puppet he controlled. “you see when i operate this thing, i just feel like there should be a way to hm, be more—how do i put this…less imposing?” the wizard rambles off about how he would like to still use the figure as he feels that his people need it but he doesn’t want to seem as feared anymore, especially in situations when it’s not needed.

you hang on every word, more focused on how his voice graced your ears, how the great and powerful wizard was asking you for advice, how you can feel his every movement behind you, and oh he felt so warm. you shudder as you feel him press his chest against your back as he reaches for a different lever, it seems that he noticed as he paused his ramblings for a second.

“are you alright, my dear?”

you gasp, stumbling over your words as you hear him quietly speak his concern over you. the wizard was worried he made his poor little assistant uncomfortable and he wouldn’t want that. but you eventually manage to tell him that you’re ok, hoping he doesn’t pull away from you.

he knows exactly what he’s doing, he's so keenly aware of what his magnificent presence does to others, especially you. he continues his ramblings, moving different levers and speaking softly into your ear. he knows the effect he has on you, but he revels in how easy it is to make flustered in particular, how cute you look trying to hide yourself reliving the warmth between your thighs.

you feel the wizard bring his large hand to your waist, and you try your hardest not to melt into his touch. but when he speaks in that low tone, his deep honied voice so close to your ear, you shake in his hold, letting go of a breath you didn’t know you were holding. you never would have thought the wizard would ever be this close to you. he has you right in the palm of his hand.

“you’re shaking sweetheart, if you want me to stop you just have to say the word.”

you pause for a moment, your breath leaving your lips shakily. this—this was wrong, you cared very deeply for the wizard maybe more than you should, and you were eternally grateful to work under him. your attention comes back to him as he teasingly squeezes your hips with his hand. he thought you were just too cute to not tease. your thighs press together again trying to relieve the evergrowing pool of heat.

“please—please don’t stop, your ozness—“

“i was hoping you would say that, dearest”

his hand glides over your uniform, and you feel him smile devilishly, even though you don’t dare turn your neck to check. “i’m quite fond of you, you know? you’re such a sweet little assistant and i think you deserve a reward no?” the wizard coos into your ear, his touches pressing insistently deeper, like he’s desperate to feel your skin under your clothes.

your head feels so fuzzy with the attention he’s giving you, you can’t think straight so you nod dumbly at his question. with the way he’s making you feel now, it could certainly be called a reward. people would die to be in your position. his hand trails downward, tugging at the hem of the green pencil skirt you decided to wear today. your heart nearly beats out of your chest.

“i just adore this skirt on you, dear, but it does get in the way of what i’m trying to do here,“ he chuckles, hes so close you can feel his chest rumbling when he laughs. you tremble in his grasp as he pulls your skirt up, exposing your clothed cunt to him and you feel the blood rushing to your cheeks. you knew this was wrong, but you ached for his touch. sweet oz what has gotten into you?

“shh—let me take care of you, sweetheart.”

you could feel your breath begin to quicken and the pulse between your legs grow stronger. this was not good. but you melt into him when he trails his hand up your thigh, pressing yourself closer to his chest. his hand climbs higher up your thigh, you feel him breathe out a laugh at your flustered state once his hand hovers over the heat between your legs.

“tell me you want this, my dear…”

he croons softly into your ear, he hasn’t even touched you yet and you are already blissed out. his facial hair brushes over your skin, tickling your neck as his lips graze the tender skin that lies just beneath your earlobe. you stammer indistinctly, pawing at his other arm now wrapped around your waist while your eyes train towards the ceiling. you felt dizzy.

the wizard's teeth scrape your skin, they sink into the curve of your throat. his elegant fingers press into your panties, stroking down the cloaked hood of your clit, rolling over the bud through thin, sticky cotton. your body jumps, chasing that feeling, and goosebumps rise on your skin as he begins to pull away.

“wait! i-i want it,” you plead, chasing the feeling of his hands with a strained whine. “please—your ozness” you were shocked at the desperation in your own voice. but sensing his lips curl into a smile against your neck you realized he reveled in it.

your hips bucked reaching for his touch again, he shifted just enough to push his fingertips beneath the elastic. he chuckled softly, "would’ve never thought a sweet thing like you would be so needy." he chided. he plunged his hand down and slipped it over your vulva, cupping and pressing against you.

your hips jolted at the pressure and a soft gasp escaped your lips. "is this what you wanted, dearest?" his deep voice was at your ear again, curling around your senses, filling your mind with heavy fog. barely able to make out a response for him you nod dumbly relishing in the pleasure the wizard gave you.

"hm?" a finger slipped down between your folds, "you’re so wet, sweetheart" he purred. his fingers slowly began to stroke down to your entrance and back up to circle your clit in a meticulous pattern. his fingers, wet with your slick, circled your clit just a touch faster. pleasure is coursing through you, as more little moans leave your lips, but you grow embarrassed at the noise coming out of you that you press your lips together.

“no, no we can’t have that honey, let me hear those pretty little noises, hm?”

and you couldn’t help but obey him. soft moans began to slip through your lips. "oh, you’re just so adorable." the wizard sighed. the tension in your limbs slowly melted away until you were a soft and pliant thing for him. pleas slurred off your tongue when he placed more pressure on your clit, stroking tight, precise patterns that had you dripping for him.

you moaned as his fingers moved down to pet at your wetness, two fingers brushing against your entrance but not pressing in. he pressed against your cunt firmly as your hips slowly began to grind down.

"yeah? you want my fingers to make you feel good, hm?" his fingertips probed your entrance, teasing you. a soft cry escaped you, your hips trembling in need. a flurry of pleas escaped you and the wizard shushed you gently, taking pity on your pathetic state. he took his time slipping his fingers inside and pressing them firmly against your walls as they squeezed around him.

"there you go, this is what you needed, hm?" he cooed, almost talking down to you. he began peppering delicate kisses over your ears and neck, slowly pumping his fingers in and out. “does me teasing you always get you this wet?” and you couldn’t help but admit to him, simply nodding. oh, and he just couldn’t help but indulge in your confession. you were nothing like the pretty young things he used to mess around with back in kansas, you were full of pure devotion just for him.

"feels good doesn’t it?" he began curling his fingers just enough to stimulate your g-spot but not enough to send you keening into mindless pleasure. "or do you need more?" your mouth fell open as breathing became too much for you while you nodded furiously.

"yes—please—" you let your head tip back into him, your hands grabbing at the emerald-clad arm around your waist, a feeble attempt to ground yourself to reality, "sir—" you whined quietly.

your whine morphed into a cry as he curled up his experienced fingers finding that sweet spot of stimulation inside of you and positively abusing it. all you could do was whine and shake in his hands. "look at you," he muttered into your ear. "messy little thing aren’t you, sweetheart?" his fingers quickened in pace as his palm began nudging just right against your abandoned clit.

the wizard's words were lost to you, with your mouth hanging open ever so slightly you nodded and tried your best not to cum too quickly. the obscene sound of his fingers fucking into you and the sound of his palm slapping against your clit echo throughout the control room. that combined with your growing moans and his husky breathing was overloading your senses in the best way possible.

"i’ve been wanting to see you like this for a while," he purred, slowly pressing his palm against your clit a little harder. “since you started wearing these adorably tight skirts." he purposely pulled you tighter against him so you could feel him hard against your lower back, "you feel that? that’s all your fault, honey." his voice sounded strained, all you could sob was his name, begging him to take you right then and there.

the wizard chuckled at your state, and at the feeling of your cunt tightening around his fingers more and more. "that close already, hm?" he pulled away from your neck as your head turned to meet his hazel eyes, yours heavy and glazed as you nodded. "aw dearest," he cooed, "that won't do, i need to hear you” a whimper and buck of your hips was your response.

he tsked, "that won't do." his free hand came up to grab your face and held it there, looking into your eyes. "be good and say 'please' and i’ll let you finish all over my fingers." he had a stern but flushed look to him as he spoke, seeing the wizard flustered pulled your pleasure filled mind out of the haze for a moment of coherency.

"pl—please..." was all you could muster up as the edge he kept you on turned your pleasure into pain. he released your face, grinding his palm hard and slow against your clit. and you swore to oz you almost came right then and there as you cried out. "please—oh-p-please, your ozness let me finish—" you whined and squirmed in his arms as you tried to chase after your own pleasure to no avail.

he pressed his lips against your neck again and you felt him grin devilishly as his fingers pace picked back up. “such a good little assistant.” the wizard began fucking you again with just his two fingers, pulling embarrassing noises from your throat and each thrust of his soaked digits in your cunt. it was obscene the way you writhed in his hold, the way your hips humped into each pull and push of his hand. “so so good for me,” he cooed, pressing soft kisses against your throat, a stark contrast to how his fingers were moving inside of you.

each pass of his fingers over that sensitive patch inside of you produced the most delicious moans from your lips, and with every brush of his palm against your clit your legs shook more and more. “just like that honey,” his lips brushed against your ear. “i’m making you feel good, yeah? your sweet little cunt belongs to me.”

your body jerked with pleasure at the wizard's words, as his free hand pressed down holding you against him, “ah-h–your o-ozness” you cried out. he let out a soft groan against your neck at the way your hips involuntarily bucked with pleasure delightfully pressing against the tent in his pants.

“let go for me.” oh, the deep timbre of his voice had taken hold of your mind and pulled you deeper into a pleasure-filled stupor. you couldn’t think of anything but the pulsing of your walls around his long fingers. with a cry, his hands and voice alone he coaxed your climax out of you, his fingertips abusing your poor g-spot until you couldn’t take anymore. your thighs clamped around on his hand, while your hips jerked with each almost painful throb of your cunt around his fingers.

you could even feel your heartbeat in your now oversensitive clit, your hips involuntarily overstimulating you as they met each stroke of his fingers fucking into you. “oh—oh sir, wait—“ your voice shuddered as his hand slowed.

“pent up weren’t you?” the wizard cooed, retracting his fingers and tracing his thumb from your slick entrance and up to your clit and back down again. mindlessly running his fingers through your slit as you whined, trying to pull away from the overstimulation.

“sorry dearest, you’re just so adorable i couldn’t help myself,” he chuckles against your throat, finally pulling his fingers from your panties. his slick fingers coming up to slip past your lips, your tongue quickly sucking down your own juices, he couldn’t help but marvel at your need and he thought for a moment about how lucky he was to have you.

“honey, do you think you can help me with one more thing?” you’re reminded of his own need pressed against your lower back, and you were more than happy to help your wonderful wizard.

[reaganwnicole]

Addressing Addiction (Wicked)

After watching Wicked three times in theatres I think I am now safe to say I have a problem. This movie has actually ruined my life.

Before I even address the reasons why, I need to confess that half of my waking thoughts are spent thinking about Wicked. I smile to myself just thinking about it. My TikTok has been completely taken over, the songs are always in my head, and I can't even look at anything remotely resembling pink or green without saying "this is so Wicked" out loud. I genuinely cannot state my love for this movie enough.

Skipping over the obvious: Cynthia Erivo, Ariana Grande, and literally everybody else were the perfect picks for this movie and I refuse to hear anybody else's fan castings out. Every time I see somebody hate Ms. Grande and say "It should've been Dove Cameron or Amanda Seyfried" I die a little inside. Which of y'all really give a fuck about Dove Cameron? And Amanda Seyfried, I love you queen, you have had your moment. Sorry that Les Mis did you dirty. Jeff Goldblum, I can admit I was confused at first but, If he is 72 and is still that limber, then he deserved it (and he delivered). Even Ethan Slater has almost convinced me to believe he is a real prize. Lastly, Fieryo being played by Jonathan Bailey was the most perfect pick of them all. Fieryo needs a gay flamboyant man to play him and nobody else, and I fully stand by the fact that only Jonathan Bailey could bring so much sexuality to him the way that he did. You could make him flirt with a literal rock and it would be the most beautiful, playful, romantic thing you've ever witnessed.

The only negative thing I can say about this movie is the inability of people to act normal while watching it. Maybe every time I've seen it somebody is acting a fool singing, talking, and way too many gasps but I have never been so gagged by a movie that I do not even care like I have this one. Also, every single time I've watched this movie I never fail to think the ensemble talking is somebody behind me being the worst person ever. But no, they really just ate it up that much.

Right from the beginning "No One Mourns The Wicked" has almost brought tears to my eyes every time I watch it in its entirety. I knew Ariana Grande and her infamous whistle notes but holy shit. It's so good I can completely ignore her "blackiana" phase. Maybe I'm biased as my love for Ariana Grande stems back to third grade, but I'm even more of a fan now. When I saw it for the third time and my friend was underwhelmed I took it personally and felt as though my heart had been split in half. "Defying Gravity" has never failed to get me so fucking pumped. This is definitely how millennials felt with each new Harry Potter movie, and I'm thankful I can finally tap in and ride that high.

Overall, the movie was so good half of the cash grab merch has almost gotten me. The seven reprises of "Defying Gravity" never fail to excite me. My Tumblr is now entirely gay Wicked fan art. The only thing I can find that could make this movie better is if they share a little kiss at the end of Act 2.

[tyrantisterror]

"A third one of these?"

"Yes please," I say, taking the hot chocolate from the waiter and immediately licking all the whipped cream off like a filthy animal. "It's self indulgent, I know, but maybe it's what I need right now."

"Ok, you're going through something, so do what you have to do," said the twenty foot tall lady with the horns and the sharp teeth and whatnot. "But if this is going to keep going it might need a bit more thought put into it."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, is this a self insert thing? Like, we're all breaking the fourth wall here, but you specifically talk as if you're the writer, so are you actually the person writing this self indulgent fantasy in the reality of said fantasy, or a proxy?"

"I kind of think all characters are just facets of the authors who create them. When you break it down, they're all the author doing the 'what if' work of becoming someone else - a thought exercise, you know? 'What would have to happen in my life to make me this character?' basically."

"Yeah, sure, very philosophical." She took a sip of her own hot chocolate, which was served in a thoroughly rinsed out oil drum because she was, again, twenty feet tall. "But I'm thinking more about equity here. If you're the real world author, then you're just, like, a guy. No offense."

"None taken."

"Gender neutral guy, to be clear."

"I feel guy is more often gender neutral these days then it is gendered."

"Right, yeah, same wavelength and all, same author. Cool." she ran her clawed talons through the shimmering red-black locks of her hair. "But if you're just the real life author, just some guy, that means you have a name and a fairly mundane appearance. Meanwhile I'm this idealized, decidedly impossible standard of beauty. Like, you literally made me twenty feet tall dude."

"Oh, yeah."

"I've got horns."

"You sure do."

"So, like, is that fair?" Her green eyes pierced through me like lances. Not literally, this time I'm actually using hyperbole, just to be clear. "I mean, I can see how it's enjoyable for you if you're the author, and it's probably, like, morally fine more or less. Any person who experiences sexual attraction is going to fantasize about being with a person who represents their ideal of what's attractive, that's a natural thing."

"Yeah, but that's not super healthy to dwell on, right?" I take a sip of my hot cocoa. It's still warm, but cool enough to drink without burning my tongue. "Because no one's ever able to match an ideal, right? And yet I also think real people are often better than ideals. Like, what I find attractive in people, even just from a physical standpoint, has expanded as I've grown. There are things a younger me found to be imperfections that I now think are beautiful."

"Like big butts and love handles?"

"I mean, Mrs. Incredible set me onto big butts at a young age, I just didn't admit it till later."

"True." She sipped her own hot chocolate. "But we're off track. Are you the author or not? Because if you are, you have, like, a name, and I'm still just the big lady. That's not fair, is it? And I don't think it'd sit right with you if this was imbalanced."

"It does kind of ruin the vibe," I said. "I think I should be a character, then. Like, maybe a thinly veiled author avatar, like how George Costanza is pretty much just a slightly worse Larry David, or how Larry David is just a slightly worse Larry David."

"That's a start," she said with a smile. "So what do you look like, then? Are you idealized like me? What does an idealized author avatar look like to you?"

"...I don't know."

"First thing that pops into your head."

"...Jeff Goldblum?"

"Jeff Goldblum? Why is it always Jurassic Park actors with you?"

"I'm a child of the 90's - wait, plural? Who else did I mention."

"Bryce Dallas Howard," she said. "Oh, wait, that's Jurassic World, isn't it?"

"I think I only mentioned her because she's got a big butt."

"Right."

I shift in my seat uncomfortably. "I don't think I want to be Jeff Goldblum. I mean, I think other people might want me more if I was circa 1993 Jeff Goldblum, but I don't think that would fit me."

"That's fair. So what do you want to be?"

"...something like Vivi from Final Fantasy 9."

She stares at me for a moment. "What."

"You know, the little black mage? Big wizard hat, cool coat, clown pants, head is a black void with pinpricks of light for eyes."

"That's... that's a bonkers ass thing to say. No one wants to get with Vivi."

"Well yeah, he's like nine years old," I say. "Literally a child. But, like, an older Vivi, you know? Adult Vivi."

"So, like, a Black Waltz?"

"Yeah," I say. "Someone out there must want to fuck one of the Black Waltzes."

"Yeah they're pretty hot," she says before taking a sip from her oil drum of hot chocolate. "Kind of surprised you didn't want to be an animate suit of armor."

"I feel like an idealized version of me has to be goofy on some level," I said. "I know goofiness in real life is kind of a mood killer, romance wise, but it's essential to me. I'm a silly clown person."

"With a void for a face."

"And two prinpricks for eyes."

"Right."

She smiles, showing those sharp, railroad spike teeth of hers. "I can work with that."

Jack Black lands, back from his trip to the stratosphere. "Oh, you're doing this again?" he says with a wince. "Isn't that kind of unhealthy and weird?"

"To be fair, Jack Black," I say, "Can't you say the same about starring in Gulliver's Travels?"

"Fair point."

From across the street, Detective Munch looks at us and shakes his head. "Fucking weirdos," he says before turning to his wife, Muncher, and sloppily kissing her on the mouth.

[365days365movies]

February 24, 2021: Annie Hall (Part 2)

Back to a great movie made by a, uh...controversial figure!

Back to The Neurotic Misadventures of Alvy Singer! First part of the Recap is right here. On we go!

Recap (Part 2)

Well, dinner’s awkward with Annie’s family, which includes her anti-Semitic grandmother, who sees Alvy as the most Jewish stereotype ever, in yet another case of visual storytelling. Seriously, Allen is extremely adept at melding verbal and visual storytelling in an amusing fashion.

That’s made even clearer when Alvy speaks to us again, and compared Annie’s family to his own, as the screen divides in two. Towards the end of the scene, the families converse with each other and compare their traditions. It’s, uh...it’s fantastic. I genuinely love it.

After dinner, Alvy talks to Alvy’s brother, Duane (Christopher Walken)...and just, like...just watch this. Please.

That’s fucking hilarious.

We fast forward, and Alvy and Annie are arguing about close contact between Annie and a college instructor of one of her classes. She says it was nothng, and counters that Alvy’s not willing to commit to a relationship. She believes that this is because he doesn’t believe she’s smart enough, which leads to another flashback.

Fresh off of a visit with a Freudian psychologist recommended by Alvy, she comes home having seemingly had a breakthrough. But her dreams also seem to suggest that Alvy’s smothering her. That’s seemingly confirmed by the fact that he’s been following her around when we flash forward to the argument about the professor. Fuckin’ YIKES.

The two basically break up, right there on the street, immediately causing Alvy to go into a spiral of confusion. He asks random people on the street questions about their relationships, in a sort of fourth-wall breaking way. This leads to Alvy remembering watching Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs as a child, and immediately falling for the Evil Queen rather than Snow White.

That bring us into an animated segue starring Annie as the Evil Queen (I think, since that’s definitely Diane Keaton’s voice), and Alvy as himself. He asks her if she’s ornery because she’s on her period...and yeah, it’s the right time to point out that Alvy DEFINITELY is not a perfect guy. In fact, he’s kind of a paranoid asshole whose neuroses tend to ruin his relationships, but he never truly blames himself for those problems, always seeming to target outside factors. Yeah, dude needs a therapist, but...maybe a different one?

Rob appears in the animated dream, and tells him that he has a woman just for her. That woman is Rosicrucian reporter Pam (Shelley Duvall), who’s...not the right person for Alvy, clearly, as is proved by their tough sex that night. But right after this date, Alvy gets a call from a clearly distressed Annie, who asks him to come over at 3 in the morning. But why?

To kill a spider. Yeah, she calls him to kill a spider in the bathroom. He’s clearly upset by this, and acts hostile and critical of Annie, while speculating on her current relationship status. He also mocks the fact that she can’t kill a spider...until he sees the spider, which is apparently huge. What proceeds is him destroying the bathroom in order to kill the spider, which is hilarious, naturally. 

But as expected, the spider’s not the reason that she called him. Because she actually just misses him. He lies about having Pam at his place, and the two reunite, deciding to continue their relationship. With Rob, they go to Brooklyn and visit Alvy’s memories of his family - literally.

Once again, I’m genuinely impressed by the visual storytelling. They interact indirectly with the memories, and it’s fantastic. Seriously, I understand the appeal of this film, because it’s very well-written and conceptualized. And that concept is well-realized as well. I am impressed.

Annie’s once again singing at a club, and it’s a good song. On a related note, Diane Keaton has a nice voice! Never knew, but she’s a very talented woman. Alvy agrees, and tells her as much after her set is finished. A man named Tony Lacey (Paul Simon, yes, of Simon and Garfunkel, holy shit) approaches her and asks if she’s attached to a record label, but a jealous and paranoid Alvy essentially sabotages the possibility.

Instead of going to a party where she could potentially make a connection, Alvy convinces her to once again go and see The Sorrow and the Pity. And from there, we see each of their therapy sessions, side-by-side. And things are...not going well. Yeah, since Brooklyn, the two aren’t gelling like they used to.

After a VERY funny scene involving cocaine (yes, really), the two go with Rob to Los Angeles around Christmastime. They’re there so that Alvy can present an award on live television, and also to see Rob’s television show. He suddenly comes down with a case of nausea and sickness, and the doctor can’t figure out why. However, as soon as the award show finds a replacement for him, he gets immediately and miraculously better.

They head to a party later on, held by Tony Lacey, much to Alvy’s display. Also attending the party is...Jeff Goldblum? He, uh...he forgot his mantra.

On the flight home, the two have an internal monologue about their relationship, and both of them each come to the conclusion that their relationship no longer works. That inner monologue breaks into outer monologue, and they mutually agree to break up.

When they get back, they formally break up, and would appear to be complacent with that. However, Alvy basically IMMEDIATELY regrets it, which he tells to passersby on the street. He goes out with another woman, but it also doesn’t work out. Meanwhile, Annie’s in L.A., working with Tony Lacey on a record deal. Despite her urgings for him not to, Alvy flies all the way out there to reunite with her, and even rents a car that he can’t really drive.

They reunite once again at a restauant, where Alvy immediately proposes to her. However, Annie wants to stay in L.A., as she’s happy, and criticizes Alvy’s inability to enjoy life. She refuses him, and says that she’s not sure she loves him anymore. He’s not really OK with that, and has a hard time accepting the idea of just being friends.

They part ways with some turbulence, and Alvy immediately gets in a car accident, and gets arrested after having a neurotic breakdown. He’s bailed out by Tony, who goes to get him after being interrupted from...sleeping with twin 16-year-olds...Jesus.

Upon returning to New York, Alvy writes a play that’s LITERALLY just their relationship the way that Alvy wishes it would end. He speaks to the screen and notes that as his first play, it wasn’t particularly very good.

However, he did run into Annie again after all that time, back in NYC, where she’d moved back. They reminisce over the good times, which is seen through flashbacks through all of the moments of love in their relationship. However, they part ways without any further longing. Alvy closes us out on a joke, and relates it to his feelings on relationships as a whole.

I thought of that old joke. This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, ‘Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken.’ And the doctor says, ‘Well, why don’t you turn him in?’ And the guy says, ‘I would, but I need the eggs.’ Well, I guess that’s pretty much now how I feel about relationships. They’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd and . . . but I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs.

And that...was Annie Hall! Wow. As comedies and as romances go, that was absolutely not what I was expecting. I’ve got a lot of thoughts, but I’ll get to those in the Review! See you there!

[tabloidtoc]

Globe, December 7

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Hillary Clinton health crisis 

Page 2: Up Front & Personal -- Larsa Pippen in a bikini in Fort Lauderdale, Olivia Culpo wrestles with recycling outside her L.A. office, Shia LaBeouf ditches his face covering for a phone call in an L.A. market 

Page 3: Pete Wentz plays tennis, Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe outside the Dancing with the Stars studio, Sean Penn hits the beach in Hawaii 

Page 4: Barbara Walters was sharp as a tack when she grilled the world’s biggest leaders but ravaging dementia has now tragically turned the 91-year-old into a prisoner in her own bed 

Page 5: Pistol-packing Elvis Presley was so gaga over guns that he’d even take a firearm to bed with him 

* Ringo Starr’s childhood bout with appendicitis at age six caused him to fall into a coma and spend a year in the hospital to recover then five years later he contracted tuberculosis and spent two years in a sanitarium where he discovered drums as part of the hospital band 

Page 6: If it’s true that Gentleman Prefer Blondes Marilyn Monroe was the perfect star for the flick because she dyed her carpet platinum to match the drapes -- beauty guru Kenneth Battelle suggested Marilyn change the color of her pubic hair after a jerk spilled champagne over her sheer dress at a party showing everything because she didn’t wear skivvies so the guru ran to the hotel drugstore and got some dye and told Marilyn to go in the bathroom and bleach 

Page 7: Celine Dion has turned into a frightening bag of bones leaving friends worried she’s headed for a catastrophic health crisis -- now down to a gaunt 96 pounds the star is driving herself to the brink of collapse with a diet and exercise plan to prepare for the relaunch of her hit world tour and she starves herself in her drive for perfection and to maintain the stick-thin look that helped turn her into a fashion icon

* Julianne Hough confesses feeling she didn’t deserve the A-list life she enjoyed while dating Ryan Seacrest where she was on private planes and yachts and living in a very well-off house and her life was pretty different from where she grew up -- she left Ryan in 2013 after three years because she wanted to create that for herself because she felt like she didn’t deserve it 

Page 8: Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson is searching for the Fountain of Youth by working out with Pierce Brosnan’s trainer -- the ex-wife of disgraced Prince Andrew is following a grueling exercise regimen in hopes of joining people who are said to be biologically younger than their true age 

Page 9: Disgraced Prince Andrew has been kicked from the royal family and now Prince Charles plans to boot his sister Princess Anne from his inner circle once he becomes king -- while the princess has carried her share of official engagements Charles plans to shrink the monarchy after his mother Queen Elizabeth passes and the phrase slimmed-down royal family constantly keeps coming up and the royal family will evolve with Charles coming to the throne -- Anne will be on the chopping block mostly because of ambitious Duchess Camilla who is Charles’ wife and who has carried out a ruthless dirty plan to be queen for decades and she wants no one else taking the limelight and that includes Charles’ sister

* Prince Harry and wife Meghan Markle dissed his dad Prince Charles with a surprising public snub as the couple failed to publicly wish Charles a happy birthday when he turned 72 -- Queen Elizabeth and Prince William and Duchess Kate all sent birthday wishes to the future king on social media but Harry and Meghan took a pass even though Harry popped up on the British TV show Strictly Come Dancing that night to wish a pal good luck

Page 10: A nuclear-sized catfight has exploded in North Korea where dictator Kim Jong-un’s baby sister and his pop star lover are battling to claw their way to be top gal -- while sister Kim Yo-jong seemed to be running the nation after Kim vanished and was rumored dead he popped back up with old galpal Hyon Song-wol on his arm and his current wife Ri Sol-ju nowhere to be seen 

Page 12: Celebrity Buzz -- Mario Lopez wearing a clear mask (picture), Lauren Simon of The Real Housewives of Cheshire in the U.K. claims to have had sex with an actual ghost, Kaley Cuoco has a theory about shooting those sexy big bangs with ex-boyfriend Johnny Galecki that the pair’s sneaky sitcom boss got a kick putting the real-life former lovers under the covers, Reese Witherspoon lost her beloved dog Pepper to cancer and returned to her ole Southern roots when picking a name for her brand-new puppy: Minnie Pearl, plagued by seemingly endless allegations of being mean and ignoring a toxic workplace Ellen DeGeneres is now plugging a Be Kind subscription box valued at $270

Page 13: Kristen Taekman tops of her gas tank in L.A. (picture), Jeff Goldblum feeding a parking meter in L.A. (picture), Hilary Duff gets primped and primed on the NYC set of Younger (picture) 

Page 14: Reclusive ailing widow Yoko Ono finally loosened the reins and is handing over her $800 million empire to Sean Lennon her only child with Beatles legend John Lennon but John’s eldest son Julian Lennon was left out of the hitmaker’s will but Julian managed to eke out a $25 million settlement okayed by Yoko after he dragged his famous dad’s estate to court, Kelsea Ballerini snapped at a nosy fan for rudely asking if her rounded tummy was a blossoming baby bump

* Fashion Verdict -- Lara Spencer 9/10, Laura Veltz 2/10, Lauren Akins 3/10, Lauren Alaina 4/10 

Page 16: Michael Jackson’s baby mama Debbie Rowe reveals getting pregnant was no thrill because she was artificially impregnated -- Debbie met ex-husband Michael when she was working for his dermatologist and she insists the couple never had sex and a sperm donor fathered the pop star’s two kids she carried in her womb -- son Prince Jackson is rumored to have been fathered by Debbie’s doctor boss Arnold Klein -- British actor Mark Lester claims her could be Paris Jackson’s father -- Debbie is unsure of the paternity of Michael’s youngest son Blanket who now goes by Bigi Jackson

Page 17: Fans gaga for Dr. McDreamy on Grey’s Anatomy got a super thrill on the season 17 premiere when Patrick Dempsey returned to the hit hospital drama after departing the show five years ago -- Dempsey whose character Dr. Derek Shepherd died in a car crash came back in a dream sequence reuniting with star Ellen Pompeo’s Dr. Meredith Grey on a beach -- Dempsey split from the show to spend more time with his family and pursue his auto racing hobby but he’ll return to the show several more times 

Page 19: 10 Things You Don’t Know About Emma Corrin

* Reba McEntire reveals she turned down The Voice gig that went to Blake Shelton and now she regrets it big-time 

* Nip/tuck junkie Dolly Parton says she plans to keep freshening her face by going under the knife and crows she’s gonna look like a cartoon and she’ll look as young as her plastic surgeons will allow her 

Page 20: True Crime 

Page 21: Former soap stud Cody Longo was socked with a domestic abuse charge following a jealous booze-fueled attack on his dancer wife Stephanie Clark -- Cody played Nicholas Alamain on Days of Our Lives from 2011-2012 

Page 23: Meredith Baxter felt booby-trapped by her enormous breasts and confesses she welcomed breast-reduction surgery after getting cancer -- the Family Ties star reveals her former 42-inch bust was the plague of her life

* Weatherman Al Roker has a secret weapon in his stormy battle to recover from prostate cancer surgery which is the love and support of his wife Deborah Roberts who is keeping him happy and positive doting on him day and night plus they talk about everything and make medical decisions together so there’s no fear or anxiety entering their world 

* Jennifer Lopez kicked booty when a federal judge dismissed a $40 million lawsuit brought by a former stripper who claims she inspired the hit movie Hustlers -- Samantha Barbash claims she’s the real-life model for J.Lo’s pole-dancing swindler Ramona Vega and insisted the movie ruined her rep by implying she did drugs around her kids but the judge tossed the case because Barbash’s name or portrait or picture or voice wasn’t used in the film 

Page 24: Cover Story -- Hillary Clinton has tragically packed on nearly 100 pounds since she vanished from the spotlight four years ago and is struggling to breathe and walk and now a medical expert is warning the 73-year-old is facing a health crisis as she tips the scales at 247 pounds -- Hillary has a history of broken bones and shocking collapses 

Page 26: Health Report

Page 30: Country girl Carly Pearce’s divorce from Michael Ray has gone from bad to ugly and he’s now parading his romance with Travis Tritt’s daughter Tyler Reese Tritt -- Carly was all for taking the high road but now she’s taken off the gloves -- they’re bad-mouthing each other far and wide and Carly’s tossed everything that reminds her of Michael 

* Southern Charm belle Madison LeCroy has been flashing a pic of her newest charms which is a set of bigger boobs 

Page 36: Diva Mariah Carey’s demanding ways are driving her boyfriend Bryan Tanaka bonkers and the couple of four years may be headed for Splitsville unless she changes her ways -- Mariah treats Bryan like an assistant instead of a lover and it’s giving him fits and he’s been so patient with Mariah and he loves her but she’s wearing him out with her incessant orders like she has him drawing up her schedule for online greets plus she’s ordering him to do all her holiday shopping for friends and be in charge of everything from decorations to food prep 

* Emma Roberts confesses being pregnant makes her weepy and she’s hit the point where like halfway up the stairs she has to sit down sometimes and maybe tears roll down a couple times a week but despite that Emma says she feels grateful and lucky to be expecting her first child

Page 38: Real Life 

Page 40: Phil Collins’ embarrassing court battle with third ex Orianne Cevey is casting a pall over his daughter Lily Collins’ wedding plans -- Lily is desperate to tie the knot with Charlie MacDowell but the dirty charges flying back may force her to put the happy day on hold and it’s hard for Lily to concentrate on making wedding plans when her father is caught in an ugly public fight -- Orianne is battling over Phil’s $38 million Miami mansion where they lived after reuniting in 2018 

Page 44: Straight Talk -- NXIVM cult is warning to us all 

Page 45: Treasure hunters have launched a frantic search for a $150 million stash of gangster gold hidden by mobster Dutch Schultz in Upstate New York after two sleuths recently discovered coins they believe are linked to the stash -- following a long list of cryptic clues Canadian fortune seekers Steve Zazulyk and Ryan Fazekas uncovered gold coins dated 1903 a few miles from the Prohibition Era beer baron’s hangout in the Catskills town of Phoenicia and their find triggered a race against other prosecutors seeking a two-by-three-foot steel box filled with diamonds and gold coins and $1000 bills and $7 billion in World War I Liberty Bonds and the hoard has an estimated value of $150 million today 

[nonnareviews]

Nonna News: The Kids Need New Dads

Disclaimer: hi dad i love u

Nonna News: Absentee Fathers All Over The World Shocked After Children Seek Father Figures In All The Wrong Places

The other day I saw an article on the inter nets that referred to Tom Hanks as “America’s dad”; I thought this was impressive, as it managed to be an over and understatement at the same time. While I don’t know how realistic it would be for him to father the entirety of the Americas, including every citizen who’s older than him, I do have a generation Z granddaughter and I have been informed that he has, indeed, been claimed as the whole world’s dad.

Now listen, I am seventy-four years old, I have four children and nine grandchildren, and I promise you, I still want Tom Hanks to be my dad. But this is different, as it seems that the Z children tend to adopt pretty much any older man who is even remotely nice to them, as their father. Adopting celebrity dads is easier, since they don’t need to know you’ve adopted them. Which, if you think about it hard enough, isn’t much different from having a real dad.

But here’s the thing: my job here is to make sad truths funny and keep your mind away from how truly depressing they are, but I can’t go about this postage without saying the following: toxic masculinity has ruined us all and it will continue to do so if you all don’t stop this God forsaken minute.

For some reason the boys have decided that talking about their emotions is silly and feminine and we can’t have feminine traits, no sir, we’re boys. Except this creates a wall between them and the people who love them, including, you guessed it, their kids. All you really want is your dad to be someone you can talk to and someone who will talk to you, and you can’t have that if they’re not willing to share.

So the kids choose their own father figures. Now, I read somewhere that having a crush on a celebrity is actually good for you? The internet person said that it gives you all the happy chemicals that keep you from crying and eating dry cereal in bed – not that I’ve done that before – without the stress of rejection or keeping a new relationship alive. So I’m thinking maybe celebrity dads are the same? They wouldn’t call or remember your birthday anyway, but at least these ones are fun to keep track of. Take that Rock guy. Just. Imagine having The Rock as your dad. Just imagine that for a second. He could pick you up with his pinky finger. You’d never have to walk a minute in your life. Do you think his children walk at all? Let me know.

As someone whose grandkid has a framed picture of Jeff Goldblum on her desk, I feel the duty to invite you to claim whoever you want as your fatherly figures. It’s a harmless little thing and if it makes you feel good, so be it. This also applies to all the generational things that us older people give you a hard time for: the self-portraits, the instant grams, the tick tocks, the Communism, et cetera. But try to be nice to your dads. Often times, you don’t know what they’ve been through and I’m sure they’re trying their best. Unless they abandoned you or are abusive. In that case, fuck your dads, you don’t owe them anything. I’m your dad now. And your grandma. And your mom. And also your sister, brother and best friend.

Love you love you love you love you

Papà Giuseppina Antonelli, Europe, Italy, Naples

[the-phenomena-of-eggs]

Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy: my take on casting

I watched the 2000-whatever Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy movie and I was so so upset on how it was produced and delivered so I’m casting my own version and adding notes on how I think it should have gone.

Zaphod- how I perceived Zaphod and how the movie producers perceived Zaphod are completely different people. I thought of Zaphod as just being so nonchalant about everything it’s choatic. Like he steals the Heart of Gold with one smooth line, and he greats Ford, his long lost cousin with just a quick few relaxed lines, and in the book he’s never as blatantly rude to Trillian as he is in the movie (slapping her on the butt, belittling her, implying she’s stupid or even thinking himself smarter than her, etc). I envisioned a super cool guy who’s repressing a lot of stuff that happened to him that was bad (the movie cut out the entire plot of Zaphod frying his own brain and his dealing with that fact, which is like the best part of his character.) So I mean, my first thought was of course the coolest of all cats, Jeff Goldblum, but I mean, he’s kinda old to play the part, especially with who I’d like to see play trillian. I don’t know anyone else, feel free to recommend.

Trillian- I HATE how they turned Trillian into another John Greene “I wanna go somewhere and do something” dreamer but conveniently mega-attractive helpless girl. Also in every single adaptation of the book she’s been portrayed as a white girl when in the book it states many times she’s middle eastern/Arabic when it comes to looks. Trillian is supposed to be smart but also empathetic, witty,independent and stable, an all-together well put together person. Also she never gets with Arthur (except she bears his child, which technically she didn’t even conceive with him and she only did it to try and save the human species and Arthur is the last male human alive), in the books which I Throughly Enjoy for reasons stated in Arthur’s thing. So for her I’d cast Jameela Jamil. Which is why I probably wouldn’t cast Jeff as Zaphod, because as handsome as Jeff is, it’d be weird to see him and Jameela together.

Ford- I thought ford was actually kinda okay in the movie but I thought he was So much better in the book. They made him too frantic and worried about everything in the movie. He’s supposed to be Zaphods twin in the sense that he’s non chalant and super calm about everything. The first thing we learn about Ford is that he’s a guy that can leap across galaxies and slip through ships and get out of sticky situations in a snap and still know where his towel is. He’s a put together, calm, cool guy, whose just like Zaphod only he has more patience and empathy, probably because of his time stuck on Earth. He’s so in the loop and cool that he finds it hard to slow things down and catch up Arthur, who has no idea what’s going on. Also should it be mentioned that Arthur and Ford are best friends! The movie made them practically hate each other! In the books ford is at most annoyed with having to constantly explain everything to Arthur, but I mean still, when he learned the world was ending his first thought was His Best Friend Arthur, so I’d like the friendship to still be relevant. So for him I’d probably cat David Tennant. Mostly because he can play a cool sci-fi character with a soft spot for sidekicks quite well.

Arthur- I love book Arthur. I hate more than anything movie Arthur. And I mean, it’s not that I don’t like Martin Freeman, really I love him. It’s just they ruined his character in the movie. Arthur is not at all the underdog who saves the day and gets the girl. He’s a blundering idiot whose the main character but has no real say or doing in what happens. Like, he does not singlehandedly save the day and become a saint or hero or leader of the team. He pulls clutch with good ideas just as much as everyone else and has the same moral high ground as everyone else. He’s part of the team and part of the family. And in the movie Arthur hates Zaphod and acts like his whole life has only happened to meet Trillian, whom he met like a month ago at most. That’s not his character. He’s lovable and disheveled and wants to contribute to the team but is too over whelmed to do so. And therefore I cast Micheal Sheen. Lovable, flustered and accidentally a genius. I love you Martin Freeman, but you’re just too angry and condescending for this role :p

I just wish all in all that they worked more of the team dynamic than they did the underdog hero. But it’s whatever. Feel free to add or make your own recommendations, I wanna hear what you guys have to say :))

[illwynd]

Salty asks 5 and 22?

Thank u!! yay more chances to lose friends and alienate people XD

5. Has fandom ever ruined a pairing for you?*

this is hard to answer. let me start by saying i’m only talking about things i’ve actively shipped rather than things i think are kinda fun and that i’ll read some fic for now and then. And also let me note that it is extremely rare for me to actively ship something in the first place, but then i go all in and you’ll pry it out of my cold, dead hands. so has fandom ever made me stop shipping something? no. this is my emotional support dysfunctional incest ship and i am here forever, good luck getting rid of me.

has fandom ever sucked the fun out of a pairing and made me almost wish I didn’t care about it? *siiiiigh* that would be a yes. 

(and not to get too serious for a salty ask response but i’m being only slightly facetious when i call it my emotional support ship. this fandom got me through some of the toughest times in my life a few years ago. having the things i loved about it simply erased from canon… really fucking sucks. and, like, I’ve been told (and tell myself) that it shouldn’t affect me or that i shouldn’t care and should just do my own thing anyway, but unfortunately that doesn’t always mean it’s possible to just ignore it when it’s everywhere, it’s the popular fanon that you cannot escape, it’s overwriting what was there before. fandom is, for better or worse, a communal activity involving different people interacting with the source material and with each other’s works and interpretations; it’s unrealistic to expect yourself to be an island when you’re taking part in a communal activity. and recently we’ve had people popping out of the woodwork to tell anyone who isn’t happy with the changes in canon how dumb and wrong they are for not loving the new version, which certainly doesn’t help with the feeling of belonging or being able to freely express oneself and enjoy the things you do like. so, like, i’m not trying to tell anyone else what to do, but i am allowed to be bothered by it.)

22. Popular character you hate?

I was going to say Hulk but is he popular? is he rly???

So instead… the Grandmaster. Which sucks, because, I mean, Jeff Goldblum… but everything about the way the character was actually done in the movie makes me literally break out in hives. And everything about the way the fandom uses him. I block the tags but it is not enough to protect me. 

I am still standing firmly by my opinion that Christopher Walken would have been a much better Grandmaster. Imagine that deadpan motherfucker with the melt stick. That would have been hilarious and terrifying. 

[ryanmeft]

Ranking the Marvel Cinematic Universe, part 3

Part 1: https://ryanmeft.tumblr.com/post/183962601514/ranking-the-marvel-cinematic-universe-part-1 Part 2: https://ryanmeft.tumblr.com/post/184208179827/ranking-the-marvel-cinematic-universe-part-2

10. Avengers: Age of Ultron

Yes, the third act goes on way too long, and is uninspired and even a bit dull. It deserves the criticism it gets. Thing is, that’s pretty much all this one deserves criticism for. Right up until that final showdown, everything in the movie clicked. It starts right off with the Avengers already a team, in a semi-cold open where every member just works. Throughout the movie, Joss Whedon proves he deserves his reputation for snappy dialogue, as nearly every exchange between every character zings. The additions of Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver may not feel like the most vital parts of the formula, but they work every bit as well as they need to, and the defeated Avengers retreating to an off-the-grid hideout to hash out their issues is still among the franchises’ best sequences, more than worth the silly Ragnarok tie-in Whedon had to trade for it.

It also has a great, underrated villain. While it does seem that no one really planned in advance to have Ultron in the MCU, he works perfectly, backed up by the voice and personality of James Spader. He never comes across as a robot, but rather as artificial life, dropped into a supremely messed up world and taking---well, can we really say the wrong interpretation? Skewed, perhaps, but driven by the very true reality of mankind’s brutal nature. It seems obvious Whedon got tired by the end of the film, but everything prior to that is gold. Unless you’re one of those people who watches the original on repeat, it’s now hard to deny that the sequel tops it.

9. Iron Man 3

Fanboy cries of “they didn’t do the Mandarin right” have unfairly dogged this one since release. I don’t read the comics regularly anymore, and I find that after more than a decade outside of regular readership I have the glorious freedom of judging a movie apart from whether it matches the comics’ often-contradictory and confusing continuity. So, with that out of the way: Iron Man 3 is genuinely good. Recovering from the train wreck that was Iron Man 2 with new director Shane Black and co-writer Drew Pearce, this one decided to de-glamorize the hard-party aspect of the character and let his frat-boy nature lead him to near-ruin, getting his home destroyed and his suit crippled by a mad terrorist. That led to an excellent middle act in which Tony has to make a go of things without his vaunted suits to help him, against a mysterious villain. When the nature of that villain is revealed, it’s actually quite clever (while also being a way to avoid massively ticking off the all-important Asian box office). The new supporting cast, especially Ben Kingsley and Guy Pearce, add a lot, while returning favorites get actual development. The third act goes on a little too long, but the device of having Tony manipulate multiple suits of armor at once is a clever twist on the usual Marvel shtick of an army of bad guys vs. one hero. As Marvel’s first post-Avengers movie, this one needed to prove the MCU concept still had gas in it even though the big event it had been building to was come and gone. It succeeded.

8. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2

Which Guardians is better? They’re both some of the more pure fun movies in the MCU, kind of like Suicide Squad, but not shitty, and in space. Some people prefer the first one for sheer irreverence and comedic chemistry, while others appreciate the more personal story and stakes in the sequel. I had a raging debate with myself on this (there were injuries) but ultimately, more personal won out. The first movie has a bunch of misfits who get together to stop a generic cosmic evil baddie bad guy seemingly for no other reason than the heck of it. The second gives them actual reasons to be together, with a truly interesting threat to fight. Peter Quill’s dad Ego, played with just the right amount of swagger and just the right gleam in his eye by Kurt Russell, is the lightning this team needed to really live. There’s a lot of “Oh, come on, stop pretending he’s not the bad guy” in movies, but in this case you really don’t want him to be; he’s the kind of guy you’d like to have a beer with, and you get the sense he really cares for his son in his own twisted way. That’s villain gold.

The family themes don’t end there, with Gamora and Nebula working out their differences and Rocket learning to be (slightly less of) a little shit and appreciating his adoptive family more. And, of course, there’s Yondu’s emotional death. In fact, one of the more interesting takes I read casts the movie in the light of overcoming abusive relationships. That may seem a little grand for a superhero popcorn flick, but tilt your head a bit and you can see it. The greater amount of heart on display in this entry makes up for some occasionally ramshackle plotting, and provides a worthy sequel.

7. Black Panther

One of the few superhero movies that genuinely created a believable world, the land of Wakanda comes to vivid and incredible life, a more visually varied, colorful and detailed setting than anything in the MCU or even the Marvel catalogue; there’s nothing else like it in the genre. Ritual battles for the throne are fought amid towering waterfalls, while light speed trains blast by beneath the rural African facade. The action in this amazing setting is driven by two great characters. Chadwick Boseman’s T’Challa is a doubtful king, unsure of his country’s place in the world or even his own necessity to his country. Michael B. Jordan’s Killmonger is a radical with a reason; his motivations feel genuine and his rage earned.

Ultimately, the supporting cast decided this one’s ranking. Other than fan favorite Shuri, the secondary players in this one are…well, dull. Lupita Nyong’o, Angela Bassett and Danai Gurira are given minimal-if-any character development, and it’s impossible to ignore the fact that in the age of MeToo, all of the women here are subservient to a man. The third act devolves into an obligatory battle scene, when it could have been so much more given what it had to work with. By any measure, it’s an excellent tights flick, but we’re going to have to wait for the sequel to see what the setting is really capable of.

6. Captain America: The First Avenger

Just in case you were wondering if this list were biased, here’s my personal favorite MCU movie, down here at #6. One of the few films in the studio’s catalog that feels it was made entirely by humans with visions and not a marketing committee, Joe Johnston lends this one a feel that is a distinct mix of genuine World War II and the boys magazine vibe that originally birthed Cap. The result is a superhero film that stands as unique in the genre. Actual scenes of warfare are mostly avoided due to that PG-13 rating, but the costs of war are seen in relatively realistic depictions of refugee soldiers returning from a doomed mission, or the jaded responses of hardened troops to Cap’s USO-style shows. Light elements of camp come in with the deliciously over-the-top performance of Hugo Weaving as the Red Skull and that wonderfully hammy montage of Cap selling war bonds. The whole thing is tied together by Chris Evans playing the MCU’s most naturally likable protagonist, who gets a last line that, for my money, easily tops “I am Iron Man”.

5. Thor: Ragnarok

It may not be the weightiest film in the MCU, and the apocalyptic, full-stakes tone of the Asgardian story occasionally clashes strangely with the full-comedic tone of the Planet Hulk-inspired material, but Ragnarok was nonetheless the tonic we all needed in a world where blockbusters often don’t know how to relax. Sure, there’s plenty of humor in other MCU films, but it can occasionally feel as though a committee of people is sitting around with a page of one-liners and a stamp. Taika Waititi’s material does not feel like that. From the banter between Loki and everyone else to the fact that Hemsworth is finally allowed to tap into his comedic abilities, it feels like kids having fun, which we need more of. Cate Blanchett completely devours her role as Hela, while Jeff Goldblum’s Grandmaster is a preening drunk who gets some of the best lines. It pretty much erases the previous Thor continuity---including the only clever bit of plotting from Dark World---but what we lose is more than made up for by the fun we gain in the process. Oh, and visually, it may be the only MCU film other than Doctor Strange which fully taps into that wonderfully bizarre 60’s Marvel vibe.

4. Spider-Man: Homecoming

Spider-Man’s long-awaited starring debut in the MCU may not have been quite as earth-shattering as some hoped, but then, it wasn’t supposed to be. Of all the heroes in Marvel’s vast catalog, Spidey is the most like us. He has girl troubles, he can’t pay the rent, his boss is a jerk, and there’s always someone in the bathroom when he really needs to go (probably). Many of the hallmarks of the classic character didn’t make the transition, but the spirit is alive. Peter comes across as a hyperactive, overconfident millennial, which is what he’d be these days, and his classmates are updated from a rotating roster of stock characters straight out of 1950’s pamphlets on The Modern Teenager to a varied group of personalities that connect with today’s kids. Most crucial of all, though, is the Vulture, widely regarded at the time as the best MCU villain to date (and still this writer’s favorite). He doesn’t want to rule the world, he just wants to make a living, and that makes him the perfect opponent for Peter. Michael Keaton was the ideal choice for his casting. This is a case where a pretty darn good movie is bumped several slots simply because of how great the villain is. Sure, Downey seems to be phoning in his support role at times, and some great comedic actors are relegated to tiny roles, but these are flyspecks on the movie that redeemed the Spider-Man name after a decade of cinematic missteps. 

3. Iron Man

The original and…still the best? Not quite, but it’s up there. At the time Iron Man released, it seemed flawless in part because of the odds against it. It’s hard to imagine a time now when Shellhead wasn’t a household name, but when Marvel decided to launch their new line of films with him, he was second-tier at best. The success of the movie and, crucially, Robert Downey Jr.’s casting elevated him to essential. The impact was so great that if you go and read a modern Marvel comic, you’ll find them pretending he was always front and center. It all started here, and it started because the movie was so good. It not only rehabilitated Downey’s image, it cast the great Jeff Bridges as a villain who seems to plausibly believe his version of events, and a pre-Goop Gwyneth Paltrow as an effective romantic foil for Tony. The humor, the action, the pathos all clicked. Looking back now, the decision to have Stane go completely evil by the end of the film cheapens it a bit, especially compared to truly complex villains like The Vulture and Loki, and the character himself has evolved beyond these beginnings---despite his moral conflicts, he still revels in being an irresponsible playboy here. These are incredibly minor quibbles, but ten years later, they stand out just enough to cost it a couple rungs on the ladder.

2. Captain America: The Winter Soldier

The popular favorite for the best MCU movie slides in at #2, and before you hit me, it’s all because of Marvel’s need to insert cookie cutter, blockbuster endings in their movies, regardless of what kind of movie it is. They’ve gotten better as time goes on, but the giant ships over the city, flaming and falling from the sky while superpeople jump on, in, over and around them was incongruous with the slower, more measured spy stuff of the rest of the movie, and felt obligatory, causing this to lose the top spot. Still, it had to have ranked second for a reason. The plot up until the third act may be the tightest and most tense of any MCU film, with genuine mysteries unfolding and an unexpected payoff when we get to the what’s-really-going-on-here moment. New additions Anthony Mackie and Robert Redford fit well, while Black Widow is such a perfect compliment to Cap that it’s a crime they didn’t team up more often without all those other hangers-on (and there’s an unexplored romantic chemistry that seems much more apt than that between Cap and Sharon Carter). The first two acts of this one define what the MCU is capable of.

1. Captain America: Civil War

Civil War plays like one of those old Marvel Annuals, with the double-sized page count and the promises of things you wouldn’t normally see. Unlike those annuals, the movie isn’t padded out with recycled material, either. It gives audiences exactly what they’re expecting: the answer to what would happen if the good guys turned on each other.

That answer, of course, is: one hell of a fight. The airport battle in particular shows off the powers of every available hero, including the newly introduced Black Panther and Spider-Man, and the Russos (with their small army of effects people) come up with every trick and use of the hero’s powers they can for this lengthy sequence. In many ways, it’s the best of the Avengers movies.

Yet despite some wags who say it isn’t really a Captain America movie, it is. The story heavily involves both him and Winter Soldier, and Rogers ends up being the one whose decisions shape the outcome. The stakes may involve everyone at first, but they eventually come down to a very personal battle between Iron Man and Cap, after a highly clever fake-out by Daniel Bruhl’s Zemo. The ads may have promised fireworks, but just like the other Cap movies, it’s the personal stuff that makes this one work so well.

[everymovie2020]

Ocean’s 8 (2018)

Date watched:  25 August 2018

Fuck YES.

I have no complaints about this movie until James Corden turns up, and then he's my only complaint.  I just find him so fucking distracting; I don't know what it is.  Every time he's in a movie I'm like oh fuck it's James fucking Corden again.

I'll tell you what it is – this has turned into a Corden rant but I'll get back to Ocean's 8 in a minute – I think he's fake; like all of his enthusiasm is just a put on and he's not actually like that IRL.

Maybe he is; I don't know.  It just doesn't read true to me, and every time I see him in a movie I'm like WHY do they keep CASTING HIM IN MOVIES?  I can avoid him on TV; I don't watch his TV show unless someone I like is on it (Jeff Goldblum, or that Carpool Karaoke he did with Paul McCartney).  But in movies I'm kind of stuck because I'm going to want to see stuff he's in, especially if it's an ensemble like this.  What, I'm supposed to miss out on Ocean's 8 because of one lame dude?  No.

It's not that he ruins this movie for me; it's just that his presence annoys me more than if they'd gotten literally anyone else to play that part – UNLESS that person is Eric Dane OR Gerard Butler, in which case I'll have James fucking Corden.

Like, he comes onto the screen and in my head I'm GROANING.

HE BUGS ME.

/end Corden rant

Anyway, he's only in the movie for like twenty minutes so I can't complain too much, but still.  It is my only quibble.  I have no further quibbles.

I will say that when watching this again I was like, it's just movie porn for me. Glamorous, beautiful women running a scam on the fucking MET Gala?  LAWD YES. I could just look at beautiful dresses and jewels and beautiful people all day long.  Women working together and getting shit done without any guys involved (well not really) or any contrived drama?  Where has this movie been all my life?

I just love it, honestly.  It's so good. Right from the start with Sandra casually running a scam in Bergdorf Goodman and then getting herself a hotel room, like yes.  All of it. All of it always and forever.

[priioritys]

INTRODUCING…. me.

hey ya’ll !! if you don’t know already, i’m saga !! i’m 20, my pronouns are she/her, i’m in the pst timezone in the US like ur classic Dumb Liberal Art Hoe, and my current Bop is pynk by janelle monae & grimes !! i’m down for literally anything at any time, so hmu for any and all plots !! fuck me up fam !! ruin my trash ass life !!

INTRODUCING…. the muses.

good fucking lord i have so many i’m so sorry but i love them all

MERCY JAMES, virginia gardener, ( 18 ) + GEMINI FEED by BANKS.

JUPITER HUDSON, marie avgeropoulos, ( 24 ) + HUMAN by RAG’N’BONE MAN.

IONA MILOSOVICI, deborah ann woll, ( 24 ) + KILLER QUEEN by FIL BO RIVA.

LYDIA ASHER, lili reinhart, ( 19 ) + ST. JUDE by FLORENCE & THE MACHINE.

MALAKAI FERRIS, dominic sherwood, ( 27 ) + CROSSFIRE by STEPHEN. 

CAOIMHE DANIELS, madelaine petsch, ( 23 ) + HOTTER THAN HELL by DUA LIPA. 

HOLIDAY CRUZ, shay mitchell, ( 26 ) + OPHELIA by THE LUMINEERS. 

ANTHONY CASTILLO, oscar isaac, ( 30 ) + VAGABOND by MISTERWIVES.

GREY CAVERLY, joe keery, ( 20 ) + AFTER RAIN by DERMOT KENNEDY.

MARION GARDENER, dominique provost-chalkley, ( 28 ) + LAY IT ON ME by VANCE JOY.

SARA RABE, margot robbie, ( 24 ) + MILLION REASONS by LADY GAGA.

CALIX ZIU, harry shum jr, ( 32 ) + WORK BITCH by BRITNEY SPEARS.

CLARISA ACOSTA, holland roden, ( 25 ) + S.L.U.T. by BEA MILLER.

LUCAS ARNETT, brandon flynn, ( 21 ) + WHAT KIND OF MAN by FLORENCE & THE MACHINE.

INTRODUCING…. wanted plots.

okay so it’s completely unhelpful to say EVERY plot but it’s true i want everything,,,,,

outside of that though, i’d die for anything ride or die tbh ( platonic or romantic ) !! just something where they can always depend on each other, no matter what happens. if one of them needs to hide a body, they just know they can call the other one and they’ll be there.

also,,,,,,,,uh,,,,,,,,enemies to friends to lovers???????? fuck me all the way up okay ???????

INTRODUCING…. the favorites.

OKAY OKAY so my top MANS are probably jeffrey dean morgan, michael b jordan, dj cotrona, chris pine, booboo stewart, kj apa, hugh jackman, jeff goldblum, and skeet ulrich tbh ????  love THEM so much give them to me and i’ll love you forever

as for my ridiculous amount of lady loves bc i’m a Queer Ass Bitch, i’d kill a man for vanessa morgan, tessa thompson, ana de armas, elle fanning, alexandra daddario, zoe kravitz, eiza gonzalez, zendaya, natalia dyer, madelaine petsch, jamie chung, elodie yung and dichen lachman !!!!! i lov them so much

as for ships, i love all things and i have literally zero preference when it comes to gender preference and i’m definitely down for poly stuff bc that’s !! cute as hell !! fun fact: every single one of my characters is bi because i’m a Useless Bisexual and i project so,,,,,,i’m down for anything !!

various other favorite things include: my favorite movie is the princess bride ( ask me about the time i met cary elwes and my soul left my body ), my favorite pants are some Comfy Ass floral leggings, my favorite animal is all of them, and my favorite song is saturn by sleeping at last.

INTRODUCING…. future plans.

okay something that i LOVE and i swear never actually happens in rps is a real ass slowburn type relationship with all the fighting and making up and learning and growing and actually falling in love !!! even slowburn platonic or familial relationships tbh !!!!!!! i just want the opportunity to develop things over a long period of time and get to see character development and changes and growth and !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

INTRODUCING…. why i said fuck it.

i joined bc FUCK the rpc. i’ve been rping on tumblr for probably,,,,,,8-9 years now and as much as i love writing and as much as some rps have been a wonderful experience, the rpc is so wildly toxic and disgusting that i’ve honestly been considering giving it up entirely. activity limits are ridiculous, rps are hyped up for months and die in a week, everyone is clique-y as hell and the whole thing is just steeped in toxic callout culture and i’m so PUMPED to finally find an rp that exists just for the sake of writing and actually enjoying it it’s a fucking miracle

[nightmareonfilmstreet]

[Review] JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM – There’s Still Meat on These Bones

“Do you remember the first time you saw a dinosaur?”

Before Claire Dearing speaks the question deep within Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, audiences should ask themselves the same question before sitting down in the theatre. Why, you ask? Like many others, my first experience with dinosaurs comes from Fallen Kingdom‘s distant predecessor, Steven Spielberg’s 1993 masterpiece Jurassic Park. My fandom of Michael Crichton’s Jurassic novels and the films based on them has burned hot since my childhood days.

However, I learned an important lesson regarding expectations and acceptance after 2015’s Jurassic World. The lesson is simple: View the Jurassic World series for what it actually is, and not through the lens of the trilogy that came before it. With that in mind, let’s dive in.

    Fallen Kingdom picks up after the events of Jurassic World. Isla Nublar sits abandoned and the dinosaurs are roaming free among the park ruins. However, volcanic activity on the island prompts the US government to hold hearings on whether or not they should intervene in the rescue of the creatures. Claire (Bryce Dallas-Howard), now runs a dinosaur protection agency advocating for the safe transfer of the animals to a safe location. When the government ultimately decides to let nature run it’s course and leave the island alone, Claire takes action.

Approached by Benjamin Lockwood (James Cromwell), the founding partner of original Jurassic Park/InGen owner John Hammond, Claire joins a rescue operation to Isla Nublar. She recruits a reluctant Owen Grady (Chris Pratt) to help, but not is all as it seems once they reach the island. From there, a chain of events unfolds that may ultimately change human life as we know it forever. As Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum) so elegantly warns, “Welcome to Jurassic World”.

  “The first ten minutes of the film are pure Jurassic Park gold that can only be found comparatively in Spielberg’s 1993 original. Yes, it’s that good.”

  From the opening credits, it’s apparent J.A. Bayona’s direction of Fallen Kingdom is exponentially better than Colin Trevorrow’s effort in it’s predecessor. This film is shot beautifully, even visually stunning at times. Without giving too much away, the first ten minutes of the film are pure Jurassic Park gold that can only be found comparatively in Spielberg’s 1993 original. Yes, it’s that good. Bayona mastered control of his vision of Fallen Kingdom and it translated clearly to the final product. Scenes felt very contained, even claustrophobic at times.

The director has a gift for creating a tense and scary atmosphere, which was evident in sequences both at the island and Lockwood’s mansion. Bayona also made an excellent decision opting to use the most animatronic dinosaurs since Jurassic Park. The animals are visually spectacular, even when CGI is used (for the most part). The attention to detail is apparent and very much appreciated.

    The directorial effort doesn’t come without flaws, however. There’s one particular moment in the film that Bayona obviously wished to establish sympathy for the dinosaurs in their predicament. The shot lingered for an unnerving amount of time, so much so that it likely altered my own DNA to emotionally scar me, my future children, and my future grandchildren. The overkill (no pun intended) of the scene was not in spirit with the film and it threw off my concentration for several minutes.

My appreciation for Bayona’s direction in Fallen Kingdom is further highlighted by the script he had to work with. There is no getting around it, Trevorrow and Connolly’s screenplay is underwhelming. While Jurassic World‘s writing didn’t deserve any Oscars, the quality level dropped even further here. The film’s script felt as though it was tailored specifically for the 5 year old and under crowd.  The jokes are bad. The dialogue is extremely bad, aside from Ian Malcolm and perhaps Lockwood. Justice Smith’s character, park technician Franklin Webb, seems to only exist for humorous(?), repeated screams.

  “Despite it’s weaknesses, the story moves along at a good pace, with several well-crafted sequences scattered throughout.”

  The biggest failure of Fallen Kingdom’s screenplay is the second half. The later inclusion of yet another “hybrid” dinosaur felt completely unnecessary to the plot, other than to perhaps set up the next movie. A hybrid dinosaur that smirks when fooling it’s prey, no less. Even worse, the film’s cliches are unbearable. Yes, the big bad men in suits and uniforms get their just rewards by becoming dino dinner, turning them into sniveling shells of themselves.

Insert a few political undertones and straight in-your-face lines that I’m sure audiences crave in their theatre escape from reality. The T-Rex has her own job to do (several times in fact), saving the good humans from danger. Lastly, we have the raptor Blue, again showing up at just the right time to save the day.

      Despite most of the screenplay being poor, not all is lost. There are multiple “easter eggs” calling back to Fallen Kingdom’s predecessors that fans will absolutely love. The film does a fantastic job including as much Jurassic Park lore in the story as possible without seeming too gratuitous. Some science and technology is sprinkled throughout the film, which was desperately needed among the simplistic plot.

As mentioned before, Ian Malcolm‘s return to the franchise, though brief, was fantastic and true to his character. Claire and Owen have a few genuinely funny lines. Claire’s mental tug-of-war between doing what is right and making amends for her role in the park disaster makes for an interesting character arc. Despite it’s weaknesses, the story moves along at a good pace, with several well-crafted sequences scattered throughout.

  “Even with a poor script, Bayona’s stunning directing, and enough Jurassic Park lore sprinkled throughout make Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom one of the best in the franchise.”

  It’s here where I circle back to my lesson on expectations. The original film was based off of Michael Crichton’s science/thriller novel. Many don’t know this, but the author actually penned the screenplay for Jurassic Park with the help of a few others. Therein lies what fans must accept. Crichton sadly died in 2008, and the science and horror that made Jurassic Park what it was died with him. What we are left with, in terms of the story, is a more simplistic summer blockbuster-esque style of writing.

The filmmakers are clearly focusing on bringing a new generation into the Jurassic “world” that we grew up in. The sooner us older fans accept this, the sooner we can enjoy it along with them. Even with a poor script, Bayona’s stunning directing, and enough Jurassic Park lore sprinkled throughout make Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom one of the best in the franchise.

3/4 eberts

  The post [Review] JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM – There’s Still Meat on These Bones appeared first on Nightmare on Film Street - Horror Movie Podcast, News and Reviews.

from WordPress https://nofspodcast.com/review-jurassic-world-fallen-kingdom-theres-still-meat-on-these-bones/ via IFTTT

[plutosafuckingplanetbitch]

Opening up to others

There's something that really bothers me about the way people portray Rick as someone who never develops and never makes an effort to change, when we actually know that he wants to change and wants to open up to others. He said so himself at bird persons wedding. But the thing that threw him back was that the second he wanted to open up to Tammy and their love, everything went to hell.

However in season 3 we see him try again. When and to who, you ask? I tell you. To Jerry Smith, in the whirly dirly conspiracy. We all know that the emotions Rick showed towards Jerry before were annoyance or cold indifference and it has been like that since episode one.

And he still displays his dislike of Jerry in the first moments of the episode. But all that is shifting, after Jerry made the Jeff Goldblum joke. From that moment on we can see Rick smiling genuinely and he is actually making an effort to connect to Jerry. Still, when it comes to Jerry and Beths relationship Rick is honest about how he believes there were major issues between them the whole time. But he is actually not mocking Jerry here or anything, he is talking about it in a different way from what we have seen before when ever Rick commented on their marriage.

His honesty is enough for Jerry taking part in Ricks assassination, though. But Jerry restraints from that and we know why: Rick said that he was sorry for the way he was treating their marriage. He even goes a step further and says he will apologize for it to Beth later. So Rick really tried here. He really tried to connect to someone, and that someone is Jerry, the guy he always saw as the one ruining his daughters life. Rick made an effort here, and again, just the way it ended on bird persons wedding, things go downhill despite his attempts to open up. In fact the very guy he wanted to give a chance was willing to get him killed. And after that throwback, we're back to the way it was before.  Now you might say that in the end of the episode we see that things between Jerry and Rick changed nonetheless! Rick offers Jerry to come in, despite all what happend. But my point is that even though we see some sort of change in their dynamics, Rick clearly is back to were he was before in terms of opening up to others. He changed his view on Jerry, you might even say he respects him now, but he certainly still regrets taking his guard down again. For all of that, Rick thinks that opening up makes him vulnerable and we know Rick can't stand being that. So yeah, I think Rick really wants to change, but everytime he tries and it backfires, it reminds him on why he is like he is.

[the-shared-brain-in-retrograde]

MCU feelings check...

Second and less technically au fait half of the shared brain checking in here to throw a little chaos into the mix (I think I’m funny, it’s tragic). Let’s get into it!

1. Your favourite MCU film

Thor Ragnarok, 2017

To be honest when I saw this in the cinema it made me feel alive! I thought, well they’ve done it here, the MCU have clearly made a perfect movie that will unite all fans in peace and harmony forever, and then I went on the internet and realised that okay, maybe even this film wasn’t quite that good. But I love everything about it. I love how it reinvented Thor as a character that can actually carry the movie without having to prat about with a love interest. I loved the amazing slow mo fight sequences. Loved the lightning. The badass villain. The silly humour (‘He’s a friend from work!). Loki looking fine in his muggle clothes. Immigrant Song twice! The part where Loki and Thor reunite and start learning how to talk to each other and be family again. The way Loki has settled into himself and is more sure of his mind and is happy. Get Help. The Thor and Bruce friendship that no one really saw coming and the fact that Bruce is so frightened of Loki, who is happily fucking with him when he can to get back for the Hulk smash. Jeff Goldblum is there. Hard to find something I don’t love about it, and if you make sure you’re quick on the draw and turn it off right after Thor says ‘Don’t worry brother, I’m sure everything will work out fine,’ then everything will be fine and nothing more needs to be said! (Below is a representation of myself if anyone ever asks ‘do you want to watch Ragnarok?’)

2. Your least favourite MCU film

Captain America: The Worst First Avenger, 2011

Here’s the first point where The Shared Brain differs. Becks loves stuff about the war. She loves it so much she would go to Eden Camp, that old failsafe of Yorkshire school history field trips, voluntarily. She likes 40s music and quite frankly she deserves to have Bucky Barnes take her out dancing to it. (Take her out on a date, not in a choreographed sniper way). I don’t mind the music so much myself, and Bucky and his impossible eyelashes do their level best, but the war I cannot abide.

I hate the war. I hate films about the war, I hate having to think too hard about the atrocities the Nazi’s committed and you sort of have to think that in these sorts of things even as you watch them get defeated. I always have this sinking dread of ‘what if we didn’t win’ that I don’t like to think about. I find it too upsetting. A friend once took me to see Life Is Beautiful without telling me what was about and the second half left me a traumatised mess and I never fully trusted him again. I hate how war films often give a rose hued, glamorous version of it, when the reality is you are sending sweet young doe eyed boys (yeah okay I like Bucky, he’s the one bright spark of this film for me) off to experience something the horror of which will linger with them for life. So we were always going to get off to a bad start here.

I also do not, I’m sorry Becks I’m so sorry, like Steve Rogers. I won’t get into it here and ruin the post - she says it’s because he’s too vanilla for me and maybe that’s partly true. I’m trying my level best though, and we will watch the first one together and see if she can change this typical Taurus’ stubborn feelings of dislike towards the man.

3. Your favourite MCU character

Loki Laufeyson

Loki, Light Bringer, light of my life. I love him. I love all of his many selves. He broke my heart so completely in that first Thor film that it was impossible for there to be any other outcome but for me to love him madly. And not only was he heartbreakingly sad, but also his pure joy in causing mischief,and his clever scheming brain, his madness and his chaos all played out alongside each other, each film showing more aspects of his mercurial character, and I fell hard okay? I want to take care of him and at the same time bring on the apocalypse with him, maybe rob a bank or two, whatever souls are made of his and mine are the same etc., all that starry eyed romantic stuff. He’s my kind of thing.

4. Your least favourite MCU character

Starlord/Peter Quill

That guy is a dick.

(Also I went to get a gif of him and when I typed in Starlord this came up and I think we can all agree this is better. Sebastian speaks for me now.)

5. Are you Team Cap or Team Iron Man?

Team Cap, amazingly

I would like it noted for the record that this whole fight was fucking stupid and if people could have reasonable discussions would never have happened. Also Becks and her husband and I have all just had a rousing debate on this subject because it turns out we all have a great deal of feelings on it. But my feelings are, Tony and Steve were both dicks about it, and if Sam had been Cap at the time perhaps we would have talked it out more and resolved things without a stupid fight because he’s actually quite good at getting people to communicate, just saying.

It’s hard isn’t it on account of the fact that generally I like Tony but he’s probably in the wrong here. Kind of. They both have points. In any case I think there should be some governance in place, but it also clearly shouldn’t have been the from the people who were proposing to govern them. Also considering past issues we would have to do some heavy Hydra-vetting.

So it probably has to be Team Cap. Also they have Sam, Bucky, Wanda AND Scott, and I love them all. Clint is ok too I guess. So yeah, fuck it sign me up I guess.

6. Who is the best MCU villain?

Hela

I’ve decided for myself that I’m not allowed Loki. (It clearly is Loki, but also I have heard myself say enough times ‘Loki’s not a villain, he’s just misunderstood, if you knew him like I knew him, he’s more of antihero anyway blah blah blah’)

So then it got tricky. I really like Hela. She’s badass and got the job done quite quickly and they had to actively bring on the end of the world and destroy Asgard to stop her, so points for efficiency. I like Eric Killmonger though as well. Also ruthless and efficient. And he had good hair, something I rate highly in a villain. And I was really disappointed that it was unlikely he’s going to reprise that role. He had a devastating last line as well. But he did destroy all the Black Panther flower things and I do think that was a wild move.

Fuck it I’m saying Hela, represent for the ladies. She’s got a sense of style and a big good dog too.

7. Your favourite hero

Spiderman/ Peter Parker

Awww Spiderman he’s so cute bless him. I legitimately considered Captain Marvel but in the end I had to go with Spidey. He’s the first superhero I remember going to the cinema to see as a kid (way back in the Tobey Maguire days), and thinking it was so cool how he could swing about. God I’m so glad I don’t have to go through another spiderman origin story though I couldn’t take it.

8. Your favourite quote

Loki threatening Black Widow in Avengers Assemble

(Strong consideration given to ‘because I’m the monster parents tell their children about at night?’ but that was just too sad in the end). Anyway has anyone else ever spat the word quim at someone onscreen with such passionate vigour? Unlikely.

‘I won’t touch Barton. Not until I make him kill you. Slowly, intimately, in every way he knows you fear. And then he’ll wake just long enough to see his good work, and when he screams I’ll split his skull! This is my bargain, you mewling quim.’

9. What is your favourite scene in the MCU?

Loki again - I’m a goddamn ride or die

This was really hard until I realised it was the bit in Avengers Assemble where Loki is in Germany and he’s wearing his muggle clothes to blend in and he comes down that staircase and just strides forward, flips the staff in his hand and then absolutely smashes that guy in the face and gouges out his eye for the retina scanner, and then as he watches everyone screaming and panicking he gives this little mischief smile as he revels in the chaos he’s caused and yep, that was it for me. Way to steal the show.

Well there we have it chaps! Thoughts and feelings may well change through the rewatch, I’ve no doubt forgotten tonnes of stuff and will kick myself but needless to say me and the ol’ Shared Brain will have a bit of good fun and a healthy debate over the time we are parted. Love you 3000, my pumpkin headed witch sister 😘

Cass x

MCU feelings check...

A little marvel check with bestie list, to gage our inner most opinions, before we start out on our 22 week long mission to rewatch all the MCU films in chronological order.

1. Your favourite MCU film

2. Your least favourite MCU film

3. Your favourite MCU character

4. Your least favourite MCU character

5. Are you Team Cap or Team Iron Man?

6. Who is the best MCU villain?

7. Your favourite hero

8. Your favourite quote

9. What is your favourite scene in the MCU?

P.s if anyone else wants to join in, we'd love to see it 😍

Love becks xoxo

[daniel--berry]

Worst to Best Superhero Movies I’ve Seen

31) The Amazing Spider-Man

I hate this movie. I laughed throughout the entire film. “The lizard” could not have been a worse super-villain. I sort of liked the yellow Spidey-eyes, I guess. Emma Stone gave a nice performance. Can’t write anything else about it.

30) Doctor Strange

This is one of the only movies on the list I fell asleep during. Some of the visuals were pretty original, but the storyline was like a terrible version of Kung Fu Panda. Maybe if they casted Jack Black instead of super-boring Benedict Cumberbatch (I loved you in Sherlock baby, don’t be offended), Doctor Strange could have had a little charisma. I think this is the only movie on this list that made me upset after watching it.

29) Suicide Squad

What is this movie, some kind of Suicide Squad? Maaaan, what a great cast in such a forgettable movie. Here’s the thing though, I liked it more than most people did. I think whatever-her-name-is was a charismatic (though definitely not funny) Harley Quinn. Jared Leto wasn’t super offensive as the Joker, I looked forward to his scenes, but he looked like an idiot, like a twenty year old with temporary tattoos. What is this guy, some kind of Joker?

28) Thor

I can’t remember this movie. It was probably better than Suicide Squad though. Oh yeah, there’s that part where he throws his coffee on the ground and yells “Another!”. Haha, that was pretty funny.

27) Deadpool

Haha, he uses bad words! But it’s a superhero movie! This movie will serve best as the first R-rated movie a 12 year old sees behind his parent’s back. This is the other one I fell asleep during. 

26) Thor: The Dark World

This one’s interesting. I actually like this movie a lot, in theory. Visually, it’s one of my favorite Marvel movies. You could even say that if I made a MCU movie, it would look a lot like this one. Again, in theory, this is cool. It made Loki an anti-hero after the Avengers, which I think is a great choice. Unfortunately, this is a big piece of shit. And it will make you (unjustly) dislike Natalie Portman. 

25) Wonder Woman

Wow, I thought I’d love this movie. I’ve always thought Wonder Woman was a great character. Gal Gadot is almost perfect for the role. But man, what a boring story. Way too much time is spent on an ugly island, and the rest of the movie is a fish-out-of-water Crocodile Dundee rip-off, with Tumblr-friendly British humor. Haha, that English woman’s accent is sooo British! No thank you. A DAMN boring movie! 

24) The Amazing Spider-Man 2

We’re starting to get to superhero movies that I actually sort-of enjoy. This is my second favorite Spider-Man movie, but that’s out of the three ones on this list. I think this movie ruined Jamie Foxx’s career. Spider-Man has never looked better, though. Definitely the best Spidey-suit. I’m a sucker for those huge eyes. I walked out of the movie wanting to see a sequel, to be honest.

23) Ant-Man

I don’t remember this one, but I remember laughing a lot. Doesn’t Ant-Man work at Baskin Robbins or something in this? Oh yeah, and Michael Douglas is in this. I love that guy!

22) Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice

What a STUPID title for a movie. Nothing felt natural here. Did I mention that I hate the title? Here’s the thing, some of the elements of this movie work great. People made fun of the “Martha” twist, but I liked it, as well as Ben Affleck’s portrayal of Batman. But again, nothing was natural about this story. The tone shift is so dramatic from Man of Steel, and yet it’s supposed to be a direct sequel. Henry Cavill’s Superman isn’t memorable. Jesse Eisenberg’s lines were badly written and he never seemed like a real human being. Still, I didn’t hate it.

21) Thor: Ragnarok

Such great ideas here. Pairing Hulk and Thor for a comedy? Wonderful. Jeff Goldblum as a charismatic (gay) planet emperor is my favorite new MCU character. More of him, please! Why so low on this list? Hela sucked, as all Thor villains do. But man, she sucked the worst. The goddess of death? She just looks kind of goth, and never does anything too death-y. I like how the fire monster destroys the Thor world (what’s it called again?), and to the movie’s credit, it doesn’t treat this like an earth-shattering moment. Because let’s be honest, we never gave a fuck about that place.

20) Avengers: Age of Ultron

Ok, yes. This movie has aged pretty badly. But there’s a lot to like! Vision is a graceful, hot, AI legend right out of the gate. Lots of nice seeds are sown here, but it’s too bad that Ultron was a big dumbass who didn’t know how to execute any of his angsty plans. His “age” lasted about a day? Day of Ultron. Still, Tony Stark deserves to be put in prison by now.

19) Guardians of the Galaxy

As far as nailing a tone down, this movie did it best. You can call this movie airtight in its execution. The only negative is that every following Marvel movie felt like it had to be just as funny as this one.

18) Man of Steel

I love me a serious superhero film. I think this movie is best described in pros and cons. Pros: Henry Cavill is the best onscreen Superman yet, Michael Shannon made an otherwise goofy role kind of believable, the special effects are the best I’ve ever seen in a superhero film. Cons: None of this matters, because you’ve just never seen a more boring plot to a film in your life.

17) Batman

There will be no disrespect for the classics here. Every good superhero movie owes it all to Batman. This movie nailed it in every category. Jack Nicholson’s weirdo Joker was all-too-perfect, and the goth-horror scenery was inspired. Best of all, Michael Keaton made the idea of a gay orphan dressing up as a bat pretty relatable.

16) Superman

They haven’t quite gotten it right until 2006, but more on that up the list. This is the best Superman will ever be, because the character really just doesn’t work in the modern day. Christopher Reeve gives a romantic, gosh-golly version of the comic character, and it’s pretty damn good. Also, Marlon Brando’s Jor-El is haunting and gorgeous when he speaks. Another classic.

15) Batman Begins

Blah blah blah, gritty, dark, blah blah blah. Reinvented superhero movies, blah blah blah realistic.

14) Captain America: The First Avenger

This is the heart and soul of the MCU, and one of the most unique out of the series. Still feels important even in the third phase, and has a lot of great messages that I am too lazy to write. Great movie, and Chris Evans as Captain America was the best casting choice since Robert Downey Jr. Nothing but greatness here.

13) Iron Man 2

Do people really think this is the worst of the MCU? Not by a long-shot. But oh my god, Tony Stark is just such a war criminal. And Mickey Rourke is delightful! I love that part where Iron Man empties his bladder into his own Iron Man suit. Did Superman ever do that shit? Fuck Superman!

12) Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

My ass has seen a lot of superhero movies, but I don’t think my ass has smiled more watching one of them. Ummmm, what a fucking great movie? With a fucking great plot? And, like, a great villain for fucking once? A truly lovely film.

11) The Dark Knight Rises

A marxist superhero film? No wonder it’s not the fan favorite. But I love it just the same. The funeral scene at the end is beautifully acted by all involved. Yes, Bruce Wayne died, but it didn’t feel cheap. Catwoman driving the batpod? An icon of cinema. A great ending to a great blah blah blah, not as good as The Dark Blah blah blah.

10) Marvel’s The Avengers

What a moment for a little thirteen year old nerdfuck like me. It leans on the immature side of the MCU, yes. But it’s damn near perfect filmmaking, and by far the most accessible superhero movie to date. Hulk Smash!

9) Iron Man 3

We’re getting into real personal-favorite territory here. Shane Black’s Christmas superhero film is hated by a lot of people, but don’t worry, they’re all just sweaty ugly nerds with untouched genitals who don’t realize that Fu-Manchu proto-Asian wizard stereotypes aren’t exactly the best material for a 2013 film. Man, I adore this movie. It’s a perfect blend of comedy (not too much) and drama (not too much), with an infusion of self awareness that appeals to a cynical guy like me.

8) Superman Returns

This movie really understands Superman. It’s too bad it was overshadowed by Batman Begins, because this movie has a lot to offer. No, it isn’t action-packed, and yes it does star Kevin Spacey (gross) as Lex Luther, but the romanticism and themes of a post-superhero world are rich with wonderful dialogue and the best onscreen Lois Lane yet. Forget the Kryptonite iceberg at the end, Superman’s journey of finding himself is surprisingly great material for a film, delicately directed by Bryan Singer. Wait, is that TWO pedophile boy rapists in one film? Yikes, you know what.......never mind. 

7) Captain America: Civil War

The re-watchability here is astonishing. It’s not even an Avengers film, and it’s still easily the best Avengers film. And yet, it stays its course as a personal story of loyalty and sacrifice for the titular character. It’s totally a Captain America movie. Also, can Tony Stark just get fucking imprisoned already?

6) Iron Man

Easily the “coolest” superhero movie ever made. I can watch terrorists get blown up by lasers all day! A true classic, and still feels just a little more legitimate than all the other MCU films.

5) Spider-Man: Homecoming

A relatable protagonist? A relatable villain? An evil psycopath? (Tony Stark). What’s not to love? It might not have “amazing” in the title like those other fuck-your-mom Spidey movies, but it most certainly is. (Amazing, I mean).

4) The Dark Knight

Blah blah blah joker, blah blah blah Heath Ledger, Christopher Nolan. Blahblahblahblah dark, reinvented the genre, blah blah blah.

3) Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Yes I’ll say it. Here we have the best story in a superhero film to date. And to disguise all the intellectual themes of post-terrorist society, individuality, corruption, the pointlessness of patriotism, and homoeroticism, we have just enough kick-ass action scenes for your average brain-dead male to get a kick out of it too.

2) X-Men: Days of Future Past

I’m a sucker for time travel, and fuck me if this didn’t deliver 100%. This was my first X-Men movie experience, and I still think about it about once every couple of weeks. I don’t even want to write about it because I get embarrassed by my love for this movie.

1) Logan

The world’s changed. All the mutants are dead. Patrick Stewart is a senile fuck. Wolverine’s claws hurt when he tries to bring them out. Jesus Christ, there’s so much here that I can’t believe it’s a real movie. There’s just something about seeing a grizzly Hugh Jackman in a bloody t-shirt that really grinds my gears. It’s tragic, it’s beautiful, it’s expansive, and it feels like the last superhero movie that ever needs to be made.